#i honestly don't know about the political opinions of the other doctors

[emotinalsupportturtle]

Just thinking of nuwho doctors being unapologetically socialist, absolutely based and sometimes just borderline anarchist

As someone said, the commie doctors are unionizing

these two should consider recruiting David Tennant too (I mean it's only a matter of time before he pops up with one of these)

[casasupernovas]

honestly the way season 3 of doctor who dealt with race was ridiculous.

first of all, you're telling me this black family didn't have anything to say with the fact that their father had ran off with a younger white woman who he was spending all their 'inheritance' on? ever have martha address how this might have impacted her? maybe in how she views romantic relationships? how she is stuck in the middle? how annalise belittles her and only her mum really sticks up for her and her father doesn't?

let alone the show having the 'doctor' choose joan, the white racially prejudiced woman in the series where the black girl is in love with the white lead, and have a gag that he only goes for blondes; newflash, that translates to white. let alone give that black character any black romances in her series. the people who hit on her all season are all white; the doctor, shakespeare, riley, captain jack and tom. then to slap her character with the only other black character in the show was laughable. i don't care if their relationship was supposed to develop in torchwood, it never happened so they should have scrapped it. it was tacky af.

or have martha ever talk about the prejudice and stereotypes she would have had to deal with as a training medical student? medical racism in the nhs is very much a thing. we're still having to break racist ideas that black people don't face the pain the same way white people do in 2022.

then the shakespeare code? the doctor's stupid wide eyed innocent reaction to martha asking him if she was safe? first of all, why on earth did the doctor react that way to someone asking him if they are safe. almost every companion he has ever taken he got to know under extremely dangerous circumstances. so yeah they're gonna ask if they're safe. and when martha specifies her race, you have this 900 and something year old genius timelord just say to walk around like you own the place and point at the two black background talent in front of them to make it okay. i am well aware that slavery was not recognised as legal in london at the time but if you think those people weren't racist you're an idiot.

moreover, you have martha be surprised at the way shakespeare addresses her? "i can't believe i'm hearing this" - WHY. why tf would she be surprised given you had literally JUST had her voice her opinion about race? and have the doctor respond that it's 'political correctness gone mad?' are you serious?! ESPECIALLY considering shakespeare referred to her as a 'blackamoor' and only two years prior in history the queen had ordered for the expulsion and removal of them from london? there were many black servants working in london and the queen literally sent letters to 'masters' in london to transport them away to SELL THEM. so martha's claim was 100% valid. and even if historians debate whether or not these letters were ever sent, it confirms massive racial prejudice that was definitely not all in our heads. and we see firsthand the 'othering' of martha.

then you bring martha to 1930S NEW YORK. and racism is NEVER addressed because you threw in hugh quarshie?! because racism magically disappeared during the great depression? trying to push that the great depression made everyone realise they were in the same boat? bullshit! america was still under jim crow and racially segregated! black people were still getting lynched in america! the wall street crash only made race relations worse!!! the doctor has willingly taken martha to a dangerous era for her TWICE. something that may have been okay if we knew he took it seriously but for some reason the show makes him brush it off, making him seem like an asshole. the episode was five years off the harlem riots! new york was the epicentre of jim crow! race relations were at an all time low during the great depression. and the show conveniently ignores that.

then you get 1913. the only episodes that actually show racism for some reason. i still don't know whether or not the doctor or the tardis intentionally chose this era, i don't think he did but to never hold joan or john accountable for their actions towards martha? to practically reward joan by giving her narrative sympathy and have the doctor actively try to get her to travel with him? despite her being an explicit racist?

then martha gets stuck in the past AGAIN this time in 1969? poc who have lived in the uk for decades have repeatedly talked of how they would still encounter racism despite the race relations act of 1968. being refused service. refused goods. human decency. and you explicitly have martha work to support the doctor and make it a joke, like she's nagging him? knowing how much racism martha would have had to encounter to get the shop? note martha is having to work in a shop anyway. not to mention again their presentation as a mixed couple living together? less than 2% were married in the uk. and them just being together period still would have been a thing. not to mention the national front had been founded already and enoch powells 'rivers of blood' speech.

then the master enslaves the jones? show them being roughed up by police? this is the second time the show has had black characters forcibly subservient to white counterparts - first with martha, then with the jones family. maid outfits and all.

and you don't even address the doctor x martha pairing at all. only a couple years prior to the season being released the uk aired that racist episode of wife swap, exposing just how much people loathed the idea of interracial dating and how much racism was steeped in britain still. the closest the show ever got to addressing that was playing "sunshine" by arrested development in the first episode, a song about interracial love.

and i haven't even mentioned the implications of making the first black female companion in the show's history constantly and negatively compared the previous show's white romantic lead, and the show having the lead character uphold this sentiment and actively perpetuate this? giving the racist fans ammo and justification? with little to no repercussions due to the next season being so focused on being the grande finale that the show never has time to address it? so martha gets sandwiched in the middle and forgotten by the time of the christmas special?

the blatant disregard towards the black characters, particularly martha and general lack of any sort of historical research in series 3 is terrible.

[polarisbibliotheque]

Updating by writing you guys this huge post. I mean it, it's really long xD

Heeey-ho!

I know, I know, I couldn't keep my Halloween promise T-T

Tha Halloween gods are now shouting at me "HOW COULD YOU?!"

Die Halloween gods, slowly coming after me - black and white edition

As it has happened before, I'll be posting both Dante and Vergil's part during november. I'm still working on them, so it might take a while. Do apologise.

They will be here, just with a little delay. I do think Halloween should last more than just a few days, so screw it, until Christmas, it's still legal to celebrate Halloween at the Bibliothéque \o/

Now, now, for those who don't like too much talking, I'll be explaining a little bit below why I'm taking so long. Feel free to skip it if you don't want to read it, no worries ;)

(There's a "conclusion and TL;DR for those who don't want to read this whole novel" in pink down there if you want to scroll down to that point!)

As *not* expected, my health took a crazy downturn. I know I say it all the time, but hell, I've no idea what gives this time. I literally stopped everything. I spend most of the day in pain and the rest of it sleeping. That's it.

I have an appointment with my doctor next week, but I'm not too much hopeful. Last exams showed I have two ulcers - which means scarring and bleeding in the stomach - that can be literally anything.

Not gonna lie, I'm pretty worried it can be something worse than I was expecting, although it never even appeared to exist before, but well... My anxiety isn't exactly logic.

Secondly, as you guys might not know, I'm graduated in Law, worked as a lawyer for 5+ years before having a burnout and all those health issues (yeah, yeah, don't do what I've done, all that sort of thing). But something you don't know, and honestly probably only my close family knows and cares about, is that my graduation thesis was "The Conflict of Israel x Palestine and International Law".

I researched it for 3 years before defending my thesis, got a college prize for it, the professor who mentored me made a huge speech on how I proved "we women can do it on academia and research" and that my work was really nice. I'm not saying all this 'cause I'm boasting, I'm just saying I know what I'm talking about (because you know, who has never met a man who thinks their opinion is better than yours "just because" while you have a fucking huge CV on research and graduated with honors on the same matter but, somehow, you can't beat the opinion he just pulls out of his ass?).

All of this to say, I'm devastated by what's going on. This is more than politics to me. This was my thing, you know? I had a dream, stupid ~promising young woman~ dream of doing something with my intelligence to actually help people. To actually stop massacres of happening. I wanted to work at the UN, I wanted to speak with world leaders, to show people how much I can research and how much basic human rights matter so horrid things cannot happen ever again.

When the war broke and the bombings started, I followed the news. And then the news weren't reliable anymore. I started digging to find the truth - and hells, the truth is ugly and bloody. I think that's when all those last shards of dreams came crashing down. I thought I could do something, you know? Actually do something. But in the end, my parents were broke, I had to work to help at home, I kept sending my CV to the UN but I was never enough, and I just wasted my energy and health under the boots of someone who had more power and influence than me to break me and kill my career before it even started.

I felt so horribly powerless. So horribly broken. It seems stupid, but everything that is going on out there fells personal to me, I have history with it. And it broke me. Completely. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't force myself to at least watch the horrible things going on and try to like/share so the algorithm can make it reach other people.

That's all I can do.

You know, I have a lot of Vergil in me. For the things I wrote, I think you all can see I have a thing of "I never want to feel pain again and I want power so no one can never hurt me again" - that's why I think I want to kick his ass every time I see this fucking man being so emotionally constipated and ruthless because of his trauma. It's a way to protect himself, burning every path so he never feels powerless again - and I guess we all HATE to see the parts of our own personalities we hate the most in someone elese

So yeah. I know things took a dark turn on this one, but I decided to be honest with you guys - since I'm owing so many updates: the 2 Halloween fics, Nemesis and Survivor's Blood. I'm not really well currently, and only the gods know how much effort I'm making to keep it together... At least a little bit.

Physically, I'm like V. And I'm not even trying to be funny, every time I see that lil' goth twink I want to yeet him away because, hell, I'm MAD I see myself in him (mind you, I used to be more on Dante's side of the fitness spectre xD) - and not only regarding fitness, but tiredness. Falling apart. It's so... Harrowing. I think that's the word that fits the feeling better.

Mentally, I'm Vergil. I don't want to, I want to beat him with a stick, I want to yell at his face and kick his stupid ass, but damn. I get it. That crippling fear of not wanting to feel powerless again, to have people abuse you? The feeling you're trapped in your own body? The "feelings bring only pain and suffering"? The terrifying dread of discovering you failed at everything even with all your talents and never wanting to admit it? Check all of those. I hate you Vergil, but I get you.

I'm trying, though. I use writing as a coping mechanism and as a way to resolve many things mentally, but the last months have felt SO overwhelming I went back to my paralysed state of not being able to do anything and running away from things that remind me of all THAT.

You guys might be alarmed, but there's no reason to be, though. This is a ~moment~ I'm going through and I just need to sort it all out. I'm starting to get some warning signs of numbness, vivid nightmares of past issues, the paralysis, avoidance - but I've been there before. I just haven't figured out a way to pull myself together and I don't even remember how I did that once, so it might take me some time.

I don't know why, I had some sort of weird ~boost~ while thinking in the shower today, and I might know how to give the small steps to start getting back on track and gaining that momentum I need. This weekend I had to convince my mom to celebrate her birthday 'cause she's my Samwise Gamgee carrying me up Mount Doom and she wasn't in a mood to do so - therefore on monday, I have some things in mind to discuss with her and, hopefully, things will slowly go back to their place.

Conclusion and TL;DR for those who don't want to read this whole novel hahaha

THAT BEING SAID: I'm really sorry I can't deliver everything I wanted to you, guys. I didn't expect life to get so much more fucked up than it already was, but here we are. I just have to get used to the new pace of things, but it might take a while. My output of writing will be slow, but hey, after I can get out of that paralysis phase, I'll probably be writing more and posting more - 'cause I really, really love this. With all my heart.

(also, if you people see me active on my drawing thing, posting a bunch of things, it's 'cause I'm finally getting to look at all the art I've done but never posted and actually updating it and putting my art blog to some use I haven't in a while - I won't be creating new stuff. All old stuff I procrastinated as HELL and those will be some of my small steps to get out of this rut)

Now, as a last thing, I intend to use a video from a guy I always watch on youtube as some sort of guiding light in these trying times hahahaha but seriously, he has some really sound advice and he is so down to earth. Maybe someone who's going through some fucked up times can use his advice as well and unfuck their life too :)

That's it. I felt like I needed some raw honesty today. Like I said, small steps. This is part of it hahahaha

I hope you guys understand. There's nothing I love more than writing, creating something for people - and all of this, everyone I met here and every single person that uses their time, which is the most precious thing we have, to read something I wrote gives me the greatest gift I can be given. You guys have no idea how much I appreciate you and how much I don't want to disappoint you.

So thank you. I will work slowly and I will need some time to get my shit together, but I'll always be here. I'll update everything I need and won't leave you hanging but you know... It's like Dracula Daily. It starts in April and finishes by the end of the year, taking time to put the letters together.

Aaaaand, if you read Lord of the Rings, the whole adventure takes a year. We are very much conditioned to be given content constantly to keep algorithms happy, but I do have a view that humans (and art for that matter) can't keep up with being content.

Zygmunt Bauman said we live in liquid times, and made the theory that everything is liquid nowadays (for people who like sociology and philosophy, I highly recommend his books, I love him with all my heart), so we're not really used to things that are a little more... Constant. Earthy, perhaps. Slow, stable, never leaving.

I try my best to be like that, not like a liquid, inconstant, fleeting presence. I want the things I do to be part of something that will stay, and I like being someone that stays - and doesn't just flow away because everything has to be fast and ever moving nowadays. The Bibliothéque is to be like that, I think, a place that no matter what, you can come back after ten months and you'll still find me here, drinking some tea and writing stuff. And I'll be happy to see you again, for as much as you can or would like to stay :)

kinda like Dante in his lil' shop :')

That's it. Thank you for reading me mumbling nonsensically in order to tell you I will keep updating my fanfiction, even if at a slow pace HAHAHAHAHAHA

Hope you guys have a fine weekend and a good next week! I'll be always lurking around, but the creation process will be a bit slow.

Will still be here to mumble randomly about DMC and scream random things in the void though :D

*me getting ready to tackle life for the next months, going like "still heeeeeeeeere bitch!!"*

***

And I'd like to add that I searched for "Obi Wan" on GIFs to find some sassy defying mood too add here and one of the first hits was this:

I'll leave you guys on this note 'cause I'm still wheezing about it, it's so friggin' on point I can't EVEN

[variousqueerthings]

You're monsters. Here you are, hiding away at the end of time. Do you even know why? Because you are hated.

Hell Bent... and I think this will be a funny old rating after Heaven Sent.... I wonder if I need to at one point in the future once I'm a bit less inured with this era of dw go back and watch capaldi's era again with somewhat unblinkered eyes, because my confession is that... I don't understand a lot of what happened in Hell Bent, and I'm not sure if it's because it's a whole lotta nonsense or because I've maybe gone a little too hard on watching this era in a relatively short timeframe

sexism rank objectification (female character is ogled/harassed/turned into a sex joke by the doctor and/or a lead we’re supposed to root for and/or the camera): 10/10

sexism rank plot-point (lead female character is only there to serve plot, not to have her emotional interiority explored, or given agency to her emotional interiority): 7/10

interesting complex or pointlessly complex (does the complexity serve the narrative or does it just serve to be confusing as a stand-in for smart, this includes visually): 2/10

furthers character and/or lore and/or plot development (broader question that ties into the previous ones, at least two of these, ideally three should be fulfilled): 7/10

companion matters (the companion doesn’t always have to be there, but if the companion is there, can they function without the doctor– and overall per season how often is the companion the focus or POV of the story): 6/10

the doctor is more than just “godlike” (examines the doctor’s flaws and limitations, doesn’t solve a plot by having it revolve entirely around the doctor’s existence): 4/10

doesn’t look down on previous doctor who (by erasing or mocking its importance, by redoing and “bettering” previous beloved plotpoints or characters, etc.): 7/10

isn’t trying to insert hamfisted sexiness (m*ffat famously talked a lot about how dw should be sexier multiple times, he sucks at writing it): 10/10

internal world has consistency (characters have backgrounds, feel rooted in a place with other people, generally feel like they have Lives): 3/10

Politics (how conservative is the story): 5/10

FULL RATING: 61/100 (if I can count….)

this rating is so fuckn funny to me. really up and down the scale! still, for anyone who's seen me rate a M*ffat finale before, this is by far the highest rated one. fuckn. easily. and all you needed to do, was centre the Companion character. didn't even need to write a plot that made sense (clearly)

OBJECTIFICATION: leaving on a high note, Clara is Not Objectified! neither is anyone else. gosh my standards are low sometimes.

PLOT-POINT: Clara is Not just a plot point in this either! woo! it takes us awhile to get to her, but then she has some pretty strong opinions, which she does enforce, on how she should be treated, which I think is especially Neat opposite Time Lords, who often tend to see humans (amongst many others) as inherently unimportant in the grand scheme of things

this episode honestly single-handedly gives me a lot of what I'd been constantly asking for with Clara, and while it is... well, it's very very very late into her run, it is nice that she leaves on a highnote. this idea of not wanting to die, and fighting against that death until it's on her terms is far more how I read Clara-as-character as well, versus the whole Thing in Face The Raven. thiiiis is who I see her as, at core

COMPLEXITY: so I actually went and looked at the wiki rundown of this episode and it states this -- "Aided by the Gallifreyan military, the Doctor usurps and exiles Lord President Rassilon. Now the new President, the Doctor learns that Rassilon imprisoned him in the dial to force him to confess about the Hybrid, which is prophesied by the Time Lords to stand in Gallifrey's ruins and unravel the Web of Time."

and I'm like, yeah, that's... that's what I thought happened uh, which... is all really dumb, as far as I can tell. wh- how did the Doctor's Confession Dial get to Gallifrey? why did they trap the Doctor in there as the best way to figure out the "truth" about the Hybrid? why does anyone think the Doctor knows anything about this in the first place? oh gosh, there's stuff here that belongs on the "godlike" doctor point, so I'll skip the "aided by the military" bit for now, but also... is this post-Time War then (yes, because they mention the Doctor is war hero... sigh) but... is Rassilon still in charge? how was that so easy???? what is the Web of Time, did we learn about this earlier???

all of this kind of -- as far as I can tell -- happens in the episode in a sort of "you know, all of this naturally a progression from one thing to the next" kind of way, and it's... it's not a natural progression! I've said a couple of times this season that it feels like I've missed an episode, but oh booooy does this episode hammer that home.

and that's just the opening, what happens next???

ok so the Doctor has the Time Lords retrieve Clara at the moment of her death, this is fine -- I mean, I still don't know why he's on Gallifrey to begin with, how they brought him there, or why they're doing as he tells them, but the Clara part of this story is actually the part that I enjoy!!! this is Clara's strongest episode this season and it's her goodbye! (well, I'm glad her goodbye episode doesn't suck actually, I'm glad she gets a nice send-off)

anyway then the Doctor and Clara run around Gallifrey for a bit, because technically Clara needs to go back and die, the Doctor steals a Tardis, all of this middle section, great, my love T'nia Miller is a Time Lord!!!! aw yeah!

then they go to the end end end of the Universe I guess and stumble over... Me! Me is fuckn! Still alive!!!!!!!! not a fucking scratch!!!!!!! how??????? why??????????? what is your purpose!!!!!!!

no, her purpose is to give this counterpoint about immortality and the Doctor, there's a metaphor here on idk. being this long-lived I guess. it's been done better before, numerous times, better with Jack, better with that guy in Lazarus Experiment, better in The God Complex, better with a whole buncha Time Lords, better in The Three Doctors, and I'm sure a whole host of other Classic!Who episodes I have yet to watch

the thing about Me is that she's introduced halfway through the season, her first episode is pretty good, her second episode is fiiine -- I'd say good even, on its own/in connection with the first episode, and then her third episode hits and I kinda... oh she's there to be an antagonist, but in a mysterious way where you're not sure where she stands, except she's made a whole bunch of errors, which she's not really enough of a character for me to feel any kind of sympathy with. when she realises she killed Clara, and she apologises, I don't care because she and Clara don't really have a relationship that makes it land for me

when she talks about the difficulties in setting up that refugee society, I don't care because I know we're not going to get anything really about this society and it's not going to influence the rest of the plot, and it didn't

she's such a thinly drawn character, that her use as a metaphor or a parable or a comparison or whatever she's meant to be doing is too loose for me to figure out what it is. it sucks to be immortal? I... I guess?

and now the Doctor wonders if she's not the Hybrid (which is the plottwist when the Doctor says "the Hybrid is me," he's actually saying "Me" as a name, fuckn... get it???) but... I still don't get why this Hybrid matters outside of a sudden prophecy or how it affects the greater universe that's been built. it feels like a last-minute addition to this season that they very quickly gave a few key characters a line here and there to allude to and then hoped it would stick. it makes no goshdarn sense!

technically I like this episode better than I've liked any other previous M*ffat-era finale episode, because it feels far more personal than any of those -- it's really about Clara saying goodbye on her own terms and that I really like

but the plot to get there is, as far as I can tell, nonsensical in its own internal logic.

oh, ok, to return to said plot, they're at the end of the Universe and Me -- the most immortal of all the immortals... somehow..... -- is just hanging out there in the ruins of Gallifrey, which... how'd she get there don't even worry about it, because we won't know and we've already apparently brought Gallifrey back into the main Universe somehow and I guess she just instinctively knew she'd come across the Doctor here or... idk, idkkkkk... I don't know. so much in this I don't know

the Doctor has a cunning plan to get rid of Clara's memory so that the Time Lords can't find her (?) and Clara overhears and rightfully goes "nuh-uh-uh, that's fucked up dude" (sure is, also... don't understand why it would work), but then she goes how about we basically roll the dice and one of us loses their memory and the Doctor says that sounds fair, and they do that and the Doctor has some brief Clara-amnesia

I don't understand why they do this. actually this is the main one that has me scratching my head. was it so that Clara could run while the Doctor was an amnesiac, is that what it was? I genuinely feel like maybe I just missed something on this one, but anyway, yeah, the Doctor pieces it back together, Clara runs off with Me in their Tardis (which the Doctor stole earlier) which got stuck as an American diner, the Doctor leaves in his Tardis, which had all the graffiti on it that Rigsy did, which disappears as the Tardis leaves

I think I need to rewatch that ending, because I was unclear actually on whether the Doctor remembers her face or not. it's not something that really bothers me in the way the rest of the plot-happenings in this episode do, but it's just something I wonder. I think that ending is good. I think it's bittersweet. I think it's a shame that Me doesn't feel more drawn, and that Clara didn't have much to do this season, so that them running off together felt like a natural next step, but I will take it as something one can definitely work with

I think it felt very natural to what I do feel I understand about Clara's character, and I like that she left the Doctor behind to go off on her own terms (honestly I never felt like she actually valued the Doctor much beyond what he was doing for her, but that's another post -- not like an "anti" post or anything, more of a "so Clara's kind of a messy bitch" post, which from what I've seen in fandom is something that's pretty chill of an opinion and in fact features heavily in why many people do like her character)

but yeah that plot... what?

CHARACTERS/LORE/PLOT: Clara is in suspension and will eventually die, but on her own terms. the Doctor is alone again.

Gallifrey is uh... still not sure tbh. that was confusing. Rassilon is deposed? is he? does it matter? I don't think it matters

I'll still rate this point highly, because it is another of the big switches in the story -- new companion will be coming up, let's see how these events affect the Doctor's relationship with her

COMPANIONS MATTER: Clara is more proactive in this episode than most any other of her run since... s7 I'd say. I'd have to double-check on that statement, but it has been a continuous Thing to me that Clara is there to talk fast, make witty comments, and either wait for the Doctor to give her instructions, or take matters into her own hands in ways that make her straight-up villain coded at times

in this one once she's on Gallifrey with the Doctor and they're running around in this spooky place, there's some Stuff she does, while the Doctor fetches the ersatz Tardis + she calls out the Time Lords for sucking, which is always winner behaviour

and then she decides when she dies, in the future... the long way round. still not sure about the whole mindwipe thing, but at least that's on her terms as well (although again... not villain coded but certainly unhinged and for what, that one)

“GODLIKE” DOCTOR: there's this bit at the beginning that I find insufferable, where the Doctor returns to the barn they were raised in (I do think it's funny that s7 showed the barn and then s8 was like "no yeah they were literally raised in a barn") and all the Shobogans (I'm assuming?) gather around, whispering tales of this super cool basically mythological figure, and then Rassilon orders the troops to capture the Doctor and the Doctor simply sends them off by being so cool, and then at the end Rassilon goes "fuckit kill him" and the troops are all going "no, this guy's a War Hero" and join with the Doctor and depose Rassilon for the sake of how fuckn Cool this guy is

it's everything I dislike in Who boiled into like. what was it 15 minutes or whatever of television?

also the Doctor then just steals another Tardis and runs off again, why did we need this whole build-up, there were other ways to get the Doctor to the citadel (like just straight up capturing him, you're being depicted as a military state, wtf do you care if someone has a good reputation in a war, even your super special war, and also why is the Doctor banking on this reputation, what is this whole bit saying???)

ohhhhhhhh it's soo. urgh. for the rest of the episode, the Doctor doesn't actually take centre stage so much in my opinion. once Clara is back, yeah there's some "ooh the Doctor what'll he do now" but mainly it's Clara with a bit of Time War lore sprinkled in, and then the whole bit at the end of the Universe where they reveal... do they reveal the Hybrid? is it just "the Doctor did too much to help Clara and that was bad"? genuinely does the Hybrid come up again ever???

but yeah that beginning.... at least Capaldi actually does look cool, whenever they tried something like this with Matt Smith, I was like, why is everyone staring in awe at a 12yr old?

PREVIOUS DOCTOR WHO: what is the Time War anymore but a way to make the Doctor's street cred go up?

there is stuff, like the Tardis looking like the 1963 Tardis, "reverse the polarity," the memory wipe references Donna, the Bad Wolf motif inexplicably shows up (I do wonder what that has to do with this episode) -- it's just the way that war is talked about makes my skin itch, otherwise relatively chill

“SEXINESS”: and thus, we send Clara on her next journey, happy in the knowledge that JLC, along with Capaldi, cured this run from terrible sexy dialogue

INTERNAL WORLD: Gallifrey as society? I hardly knew her. Military politics? dictatorship? Shobogans? idk, here's a barn, and now here's some. rooms. end of the Universe Gallifrey? uh. is also there

I think especially after setting up so many questions in the previous episode and ending it on that shot of the Citadel, this is kind of a let-down

POLITICS: so it's not really that political, but I did highlight the military element a few times, and I do think there should be more to it on this show than "this war guy good and that war guy bad because this is the hero and you're not." there has been more gravitas given to it than that, including in M*ffat's run so idk why... this.....

I also think the Doctor's own political relationship with Gallifrey is kind of not really a Thing in this -- and the Doctor has a more complicated relationship that "Time Lords Bad/Good" or even "always outside the Status Quo." The Doctor has done Status Quoing before, even though they're technically not a big fan of a lot of the setup in this place, but in this story none of that is really what's interesting

also a brief extra moment of "oh now I'm regenerated into a Woman, I realise that the other me was so full of Testosterone and Ego" that... ok we get it, you're trying feminism on for size. now we just need to get into the third wave, at least

FULL RATING: 61/100 (if I can count….)

AFTER ALL OF THAT, Clara leaves on a high. isn't that funny.

but seriously, there's so many questions I have, and if they do in fact get answered in the episode, mea culpa and all that, but uh. yeah, I was going "wait what's going on? why?" the entire way through

sometimes nonsense has gotta be gotten through in service to emotional pay-off, I guess. Au revoir Clara, hope you have a lovely time doing exactly what you've been doing before: getting into a toxic relationship with an ancient being in a time travel machine

(and next episode we say goodbye to River as well, lotta fuckn goodbyes happening huh)

similar question to last episode, why is it called Hell Bent? (I really need to get that list of questions together so I can do a concentrated search)

[writer-in-theory]

Grey, as someone in the medical field, I would really appreciate your opinion on this if you wouldn’t mind.

My family has a pretty rare genetic condition in which the care and diagnosis is not common knowledge, and even among specialists, unless they have specifically looked into it, they don’t always know.

I had an MRI the other day to help look for this condition and… straight up…. I’m pretty sure they did it wrong for what we’re looking for. But I was too scared to say anything.

Anyways, my question is: is there a polite way to go about telling people with specialized degrees (and sometimes have an ego to match) that they are doing it wrong and/or don’t know what they’re talking about without coming off as a “problem patient” or “nuts” ?

Hi, friend! I know you said you wanted advice from someone who's worked in the medical field, but I think I'll come at this instead from my experience as a patient with chronic illness because I think that will be far more helpful.

Honestly, it's hard. In my experience, the good doctors will be perceptive to conversation, to at least explaining to you why they do things the way they do. I had doctors explain every step of a process to me because I said it was new, or because I even looked nervous about it. I've also had doctors tell me I'm not qualified for a vaccine even after I mentioned that I'm immunization certified and know I'm listed on that table.

But honestly, just ask. You could even word it like "In past appointments, they've always done X thing like this, I'm curious why it's different now?" or like "Could you tell me more about what we're doing? I want to be able to understand the process."

If you're talking symptoms, I've found it helpful to ask very specific questions. For example, I had a provider tell me they were ruling out pancreatitis when it's well known I have a really shitty pancreas. So I just asked why they could rule it out, and then they told me and said they were documenting it in my chart, and that was that.

That's the key. If you're unsure about something, make sure it's getting documented somewhere. Another example, an old provider wouldn't do a procedure to diagnose a thing because I was overweight, so I asked them to document that they were doing so for that reason.

Also also!! I don't know about other countries, but if you're in the United States, if you're nervous or uncomfortable about ANYTHING, ask for a medical advocate. I've had them in provider rooms during uncomfortable/triggering procedures/tests, and also when a provider had a history of not listening to my concerns or talking down to me. Medical advocates are there to make sure your needs are being met, that's their whole thing!

I hope this helps, and you're always welcome to DM me anytime <3

[anderwhohn]

@dutyworn asked: ❤️ my first roleplay memory 🎾 what type of genre of roleplay i prefer to write 🛳 my opinions on DNI lists 🛍 the one thing i wish all of my followers knew about me

💌 MY EXPERIENCE IN THE RPC [ meme - accepting ]

❤️ my first roleplay memory

Ah, the irony of asking this of someone with medical memory issues. xD

My very first rp memory is from when I was like 13 and stumbled across Ayenee (those old enough to remember it will know how chaotic that mess was) - essentially a series of multigenre IRC public rooms where people with a huge variety of original and fandom characters all met up and interacted with each other, often in bars and taverns for the majority of the rooms I found myself welcomed in. It was fun, but that was also very much back in the 'Wild West' days of those kinds of chatrooms, being in the late 90s.

My first tumblr rp memory is actually of a brief failed attempt at getting involved in the Dragon Age rpc, but it was years later before I tried again with bringing Layla (immortaljackal) in that I had any actual success, and then the numerous other blogs with various canon and canon-based or inspired muses came from there. What I actually did in any of that, though? Fuck all if I know at this point. I could go digging up the old archived blogs (at least of the ones that still exist), but eh...

🎾 what type of genre of roleplay i prefer to write

Sci-fi and fantasy, for the most part. Which types of those, respectively, varies depending on my mood sometimes, but given that my most consistent stuff is leading with Mass Effect, Dragon Age, and Doctor Who, that should be a fair indicator for the most part.

🛳 my opinions on DNI lists

They have their place, within reason - banning faceclaims, characters, fandoms, adult content, triggering and/or squicky content, etc? Perfectly fine and reasonable. Airing grievances with other roleplayers by listing their URLs and telling people they better not interact with them or you'll block them (and probably add them to the list of names as well with a vague callout that often just blows everything out of proportion)? That's immature and uncalled for, and I personally won't follow or interact with people who have DNIs that namedrop other roleplayers.

🛍 the one thing i wish all of my followers knew about me

I am unknowable!

Pfft... Nah, umm... I honestly don't know? I mean, I tend to be a very private person ooc until I've warmed up to someone, then I'm practically an open book - albeit a book with some pages torn out and lots of coffee stains making other pages illegible (ie the memory issues I have). Things I actively want people to know, I usually have in my rules, since that's something everyone following me should read.

But like... uh... I'm really socially awkward, between the social anxiety disorder, ADHD, potential autism, other neurodivergences, and all that jazz? Yet there are somehow people who are intimidated by me?

My dudes, I sleep with a stuffed Grim Reaper, and have a crochetted F-Bomb that I throw at the wall when I'm frustrated. I also have a crochetted adipose and weeping angel chilling on my desk, and a sticky note with a doodle of the TARDIS surrounded by "vorp vorp" noises stuck to my wall. I walk with a cane or a rollator, and will sometimes break into song and dance when I'm having a not absolutely shitty day while I'm by myself, twirling the cane or spinning with the rollator (whichever I happen to be using at the time) - 'Singing In The Rain' is a popular number for such.

The only time I even feel remotely intimidating is when I have to pull out the Customer Service Voice, which usually gets combined a dash Southern overpoliteness. Unless it's the the Southern politeness that's weirding people out? I mean, maybe? Eh. Someone can always tell me on anon if they want.

[arizonaconservativegal]

I know you will 100% disagree with me but Disney has ruined Marvel with their gay agenda. Eternals, Doctor Strange 2, Shang Chai 3 movies I was going to watch but found out about their gay agenda in those movies. They also fired Johnny Depp the way they did Gina, so fuck them. They also ruined Starwars forever with their woke shit, That Solo movie can fuck off because the only Han Solo is Harrison Ford. Don't be a hypocrite and watch that shit on Disney plus and claim you hate them.

I don’t know that I’d go so far as to say I disagree 100%. I’m still bitter about how they treated Gina, but I’ve decided to put most of that energy into supporting her future endeavors because I’d like Disney and Hollywood both to see her be successful without them. I can’t comment on whether they “ruined” Marvel, because I’m really not a Marvel fan so I don’t know enough about it to have an opinion one way or another. I am a big enough Star Wars fan to comment on the claim that they ruined that and I will disagree with you there. And I’m sorry but you’ve touched on a couple mild pet peeves of mine, so polite rant below the cut: 

Don’t get me wrong, I am straight up ignoring the sequel trilogy, because I just didn’t like it at all. And Solo wasn’t great but it wasn’t awful either and it’s really no one’s fault that Harrison is about 60 years too old to play a young Han Solo (although, honestly, I’d still watch that) and I don’t know if you followed any of the behind the scenes drama with the production of that movie, but the fact that it even made it to the screen in any condition is a miracle. But Rogue One was a damn near perfect movie and I’ve been very pleased with what they’ve done with the live action and animated streaming series so far. Publishing has been hit or miss but there’s really only one author whose stuff I could accuse of being woke. 

Are there things I would do differently if I were in charge of Star Wars? Of course. Every Star Wars fan has those things. We’re notoriously hard to please. But let’s not pretend we weren’t that way even before the sale to Disney - and rightly so, because even George’s stuff wasn’t always great. 

If you don’t count the animated stuff, Disney has put out more hours of Star Wars content than George ever did (and I’m not going to add it up right now but even if you do count the animated stuff, Disney still might be ahead). Of course it’s not all going to be fantastic. But here’s the thing: that’s okay. It doesn’t ruin the rest unless you let it. If you want to spend all your time being mad about the things you didn’t like, I guess that’s up to you, but I am happy as a clam pretending that the Thrawn series is the only sequel trilogy ever made. 

So yeah, I’m still going to watch Star Wars and I’m still going to pay for Disney+ because I want to encourage them to continue to make new Star Wars content for me to enjoy. As long as they keep doing that, they can have my $7 a month for a subscription that I share with four other people. 

Maybe I shouldn’t give them that. Maybe I should be stingy about where my money goes in every part of my life so that I never give any support to a liberal. Maybe it makes me a hypocrite that I don’t do that. But you know what? I spend 60-80 hours a week on my politics. At the end of that, I need a break or I’m going to burn out and be of no use to anyone. I don’t have the energy to worry about whether every dollar I spend is going towards politically upstanding causes. I just want to relax and enjoy something fun for one hour.

And you know what else? I don't hate Disney. Not really. I think they're kind of a shitty company most of the time but I don't hate them. And I think they are no more guilty of being stupidly woke than any other megacorp. Big companies like that don't really have political opinions except for the ones that impact the bottom line. I love what DeSantis is doing to push back on their cowardly activism and I think they are slowly learning their lesson. If nothing else, DeSantis has given them enough cover to stay out of things they wouldn't otherwise bother to get involved in and I'm optimistic that will have a big impact on other companies like them - a lot bigger impact that me cancelling my Disney+ subscription would.

[kipo-lacks-thoughts]

rant ☺️

thinking about how when I went to a luncheon there were large cardboard boxes for the kids to play with in the living room, and I immediately climbed in one. My mother scolded me for being so childish, "get out of that box, you're (my age) not five." and then I got out of the box and sat down on the bench. About 4 seconds later the lady that owned the house told my mother that that box had been practically lived in for the last 2 weeks days by a child my exact age am I not living how I should? Is the childhood given to me devoid of the youthful activities I should've been allowed? she looks at me weird when I do anything that isn't well mannered, and then says "well she's a teenager, teenagers" and she'll scoff at me in public. I'll remind her, im not. Im not a teen, im a child, and the fact im taller than her doesn't help. I act mature because I was raised to act mature.my height is beneficial to nothing other than outside opinions at this point. She'll tell me im too big for a playground, when I'll show her the sign and im still young enough to play. She'll tell me I need to act my age, but I am, im not as old as you treat me, woman. She'll talk to me about nothing positive ever, she only compliments me when it's necessary, completely visibly mandatory that her duty as a mother requires a level of support for a child, nothing she's ever complimented me on has ever came from her honest opinion and I can see it in her face and hear it in her voice. I put a selfie in a group chat and my friend told me I was beautiful. I almost cried, because nobody other than my mother or father has ever said that to me to my face in my life, and they do so less and less and less as the years go by. One moment that really stuck with me is when I told my mom I was painting 6 Potoos on canvases. She blankly said "ugh, what a waste of canvases." Those words are the clearest sentence I can remember anyone ever speaking to me in my life from that long ago. I got to art class and never finished the birds, honestly, they do look like shit, really, not joking, and it was genuinely a waste. Of paint. A waste of paint, not of canvases. Pretty fucking hard to waste two $2.50 packs of three 4x6 inch canvases. from dollar general. Another thing she talks to me about is her problems, and I listen, and I should, she deserves someone to talk to. But when I'm the only one she does about these things, it makes me feel like she talks to me as someone that's simply commanded to listen and not her child. When she learned I knew what sex was, it's game over. She talks to me about sex every other fucking day and it drives me insane. I don't want to know my father's cock size, I don't want to know the biggest penis she's ever seen and the smallest one she's ever seen. I don't want to know about sex with my dad and how annoying his libido is. I also dont want to hear about the politics, the government. 90% of our conversations are one sided rants about politics or sex. She sat down with me at a chick fil a this week and talked to me about politics for an hour. I wanted her to shut up so I could eavesdrop on the people behind me who were talking about Mario lore and shit. Another thing that disturbs me is her book collection. It's got so many books on parenting. I'll open one every once in a while, and like clockwork it's something that she's used on me. Nothing that ever made me feel anything but worthless ofc. She listens to podcasts talk about people. Usually descriptions of terms that would qualify on a lot of my friends or just random things like trends or jokes or memes. Like mewing. Doctor nurse momma did NOT have to teach my mother how to mew. Then there's things that would describe me, talking about furries, or different sexualities or genders, people that change their names. These podcasts never have anything true or nice to say about me or the people I know. Human beings who claim to be loving of their neighbors can still make them feel like they want to die. Don't listen to people that claim to be so good yet make you feel so shitty

[vizthedatum]

My evolving decision-making and thoughts on getting the official autism diagnosis (one of many posts I will make and have been making)

Realizing and internalizing that I'm autistic the past 1-2 years has been a significant upheaval in my life. It's brought a lot of clarity.

Yesterday, I had a long and sad conversation with my primary care provider (well, she's a PA-C (Physician Assistant-Certified), but honestly, I trust her more than the doctor she works with... I call her my PCP because she knows her stuff and actually helps me coordinate everything) about my getting my autism diagnosis... and how not having been evaluated or diagnosed as a child has severely impacted the quality of my life (made me more prone to abuse, lack of support, increased risk for stress and inflammation, etc.).

For those who know, getting an official autism diagnosis on your chart as an adult is difficult. Not many practices will do it, and what's more, the ones who will do it... there are long waitlists, insurance incompatibilities, and outdated and tedious evaluation methods.

After all (as I remind many people), the way that autism and the spectrum are characterized in the Western medical system is based on studies done on young white boys. Also, in my professional and personal opinion, the DSM-5 is outdated and not very generalizable to most of humanity.

Additionally, getting the official diagnosis on my chart puts me at risk for discrimination. I already have credibility issues with my healthcare providers... although since getting my PhD, it's gotten a lot better? And also being more assertive in general. I do a lot of research before going to a healthcare visit, but that's a privilege I have that not many of my peers have. I was diagnosed with many of my chronic conditions later in life, which was unfortunate.

The way that US socio-politics is going... being officially diagnosed as autistic will put me at risk for not receiving gender-affirming care. I really want to be on testosterone and get top-surgery after breastfeeding my future child. An autism diagnosis in some states, the way legislature is going, may prevent me from getting that care. And I may not be welcome in many countries for being autistic.

--

I have struggled for so long. And so have my friends. Most of my friends are neurodivergent (autistic, ADHD, DID, BPD, etc. etc.). Some are diagnosed, some are self-diagnosed, and some are figuring it out. And even then, most of my friends have been traumatized due to a lack of support.

They say that autistic people can't be social. I've been friends (very close friends) with autistic people of varying levels of social "functioning" my entire life. When I've taught swimming or academic subjects in universities... I could reach autistic people far more readily than my "neurotypical" peers/colleagues. It's not that we can't be social... we have our various ways of interacting with other beings and our environment. And many of us have masked and mimicked our way into mainstream society to... survive.

The perception of what the spectrum is needs an overhaul.

I even had (and this will be a whole other post) a discussion about the nuances of "black-and-white" thinking that many autistic people do... with my therapist.

I hate "functioning" labels that get put on neurodivergent folk.

I don't know if it's obvious but the reason why a lot of autistic people struggle in this world is not because of us.... it's because our environments are not built or accommodated for us.

Being autistic isn't a disease. And while it's a disability - it's only a disability because we are not able in how our environments and socio-political systems are structured.

[fangirlsovertoomanythings]

Bluestar

Alrighty!

Favorite thing about them: She's a fairly well-written character, despite the inconsistencies in personality she has, especially after she died and became a StarClan cat. She enjoys being a good mentor, tries to be a good leader, but at the end of the day she thinks too highly of herself to realize when she's wrong or has gone astray. I also find her religious crisis a bit too relatable, but I won't get into it haha

Least favorite thing about them: Other than the personality inconsistencies after she died, there is also the fact that, when she was alive, the writers never knew what they wanted her to be. A good, selfless leader? A harsh, egocentrical leader? A caring mother, or a hardened warrior who has lost too much? It got so bad that I don't know anymore what exactly I remember her as. The woman ignored Fireheart's warnings, then instead of resigning when she felt she could no longer lead, she was irresponsible and kept her position, worsened Brightpaw's PTSD, left Fireheart practically alone, and almost went to war with WindClan for no damn reason? What the fuck Richard

Favorite line: I don't remember the exact quote, but the moment where she regains a bit of her awareness a little before she dies and screams at the dogs before attacking them and falling to the river. Not really a line, but this moment was an entire vibe

brOTP: I don't think she had anyone as close as a sibling other than actual siblings, so no

OTP: As much as Oakheart and Bluestar is canon, I prefer Bluestar and Yellowfang. They are two mothers who had given up on motherhood and watched their children grow up away from them, not to mention the fact that they are two very motherly figures to Fireheart throughout his journey. When Yellowfang shows up at the camp, if I remember correctly Bluestar starts treating her less like a prisioner and more like a guest once she discovers her identity as ShadowClan's doctor (of course, that includes political reasons aswell, but she respects her). They are also seen a lot around each other after their deaths, and their spirits often banter about prophecies and all of that. They're a couple to me, man

nOTP: I don't have any, unless someone ships her with Fireheart, in which case: NO. NO. NOOOOO

Random headcanon: I'm not sure if it's canon or not, but she's the sort of mentor that doesn't take it easy even if it'd boost your self-esteem. Even in your first fighting challenge, she's already giving her all even if you barely know any fight moves. She thinks it's fairer this way, because her apprentices will face far more experienced warriors in battle; and when her apprentices are able to immobilize her or even accidentaly hurt her during training, her praise is earned and the apprentice feels that because the woman was NOT faking her loss.

Unpopular opinion: I don't know if she deserved to go to StarClan all that much, honestly. Though I understand her reasons, her later years as leader were awful to the point where her irresponsibility forced Fireheart to break the Warrior Code to protect the clan at least on one occasion. Her irresponsibility also indirectly caused the death of Swiftpaw and the permanent injury of Brightpaw, and nothing is going to erase that fact. As much of an asshole that is Thistleclaw, he wasn't a bad mate to Snowfur and as far as Bluestar's Prophecy lore went his biggest crime was being unecessaringly violent, and that was the only POV we had until Spottedleaf's Heart came out. I don't know, man, I just don't think this woman deserved StarClan at all. If Frecklewish can go to the Dark Forest for "not grieving the right way", how the hell is this cat in Kitty Paradise?

Song I associate with them: Stand in the Rain - Superchick. The first animation/edit I saw of hers had this song, and now it's permanentely printed in my brain.

Favorite picture of them: I can't SAVE IT, but it's one in the older artstyle where she's in attack position in the middle of a bush, her big ol' eyes looking at the audience. Creechur

[septimaseverina]

Honestly, I used to learn Spanish for fun, when I'm in 7th-9th grade, but then people made me misunderstanding for a year that my passionate is pure science.

That 'misunderstooding' caused me almost everything in my life, as I was in 10th grade, I was stressful 2-3 days per week.

The most horrible thing - those teachers are arseholes; they expect every student in the class to be on top with everything. I even once saw my classmate crying out loud during the physics class, because the fucking teacher quizzed us the beyond knowledge. And from this terrible example, I've got the problem with digestive system since. Before the mid-term examination, I had stomach ache, it was hurt more than ever. My mum and my older brother took me to a hospital. A doctor diagnosed from my symptom and many lab-tests, he told me that I had gastroenteritis.

While I was absenced, I sat, curled up and thinking about my true self. I had realised, my main passion are liberal arts and pure fine arts, so, I resigned that school and enrolling the new one. I finally find my true nature there until I had entranced the University.

The untelling of this story line is plenty, I don't wanna talk about it right now, let's jump to the moment I find my happiness again.

And Yes, I'm talking about Diego Luna.

Everyone know that I have loved Star Wars since I was in 4th grade, but I didn't catch up again after Episode III. Until the annoucement of Episode VII. I immediately return to the fandom.

Firstly, first, I think I love Kylo Ren and General Hux, but no, I ship Reylo. I love Rey like a little sister.

Annnnnnnnd, when Rogue One is released, first time I see Diego Luna/Cassian Andor I feel like I must find about who is this man.

After I found about his filmography and everything, I like him. But that time MCU casts Benedict Cumberbatch as Doctor Strange, I was a Cumberfolk because I think I loved him. Many years later, I understand that it isn't love - I just like his role as Sherlock Holmes and other notable roles.

I have watched almost everything that Diego acts and read about his opinions toward the politic and social issues, and I'm growing to love him more and more.

He makes me remembering that how much I enjoy dancing and self-learning in many area so much.

He totally, absolutely give true hope and dream to me. I see colours in my life and discovering the positive side of this mad world again.

Now, I continue learning Spanish, luckily, one of my best friend is graduated in Spanish Language major, she helps me finds the new method to learn. She used to ask me once; why do I learn Advance Spanish? I shamelessly answer her that I fall in love with Diego Luna.

And yes, because of my personal favourite and preference, I learn Sanskrit, French, Italian and Greek (or every language in P.I.E. is precise) at the same time and these languages - including Spanish - get me more payment for my main occupation.

That's why I call him love of my life. His works heal me from many wounds. He truly one of my hopes.

Maybe this is sounds crazy, but I don't care. I write this kinda love letter here. This is my own personal blog. I write and rambling everything I want to.

[one-abuse-survivor]

Yo, dissociation here from the pits of hell known as Russia in the current political situation!✌🏻 Honestly I knew they say that the brain is adaptable, but I didn't know it was to this extent. Essentially, the crisis is still in full swing - also I think there has been a lot of messaging in most of the big very advertised films that have come out in the past..... Fiveish years? which can be summarised with "trust the government and sit on your asses while taking any hardship it causes, also fight for the behalf of your country for essentially nothing, just because we told you to", which makes me wonder if it is a P*tin propaganda thing or a this entire "operation" has been planned for a long time - but at this point I have just accepted the situation and am vibing. I have my first exam in a week, and at this point every day someone in my circle has a panic attack about failing. I look at it this way: either I do well and get into a in the capital for free (oh also they screwed over EVERYONE applying for uni and now like 20% of the free seats are inaccessible and now I want to 1917 these bitches even more (for "I don't want to go to prison" reasons this is a joke)), or I do poorly and get into uni in another city while getting to ditch my abusive family early. Any words of encouragement before my final school exams?

And besides that, we have to deal with organising a concert for the school (a DAY before my first exam!!) and rehearse the waltz for the ceremony and dancing in heels is such shit, you won't believe it, if you have the opportunity to dance in heels DON'T TAKE IT it's horrible.

On another note, there has been a rift in tantrum land today: my brother and mother had an argument that got so violent and heated I thought they would kill each other over the whole... War thing. And believe me, a confrontation between a die-hard loyalist who believes that everything is fine and a person who looks at any sources other than government propaganda is a very explosive thing. My brother literally threatened to write a thing to the government that would send my mother in jail! Now, both of their opinions are shit, but that is a new low, even for them. I didn't even think there was a low to sink to, we're well pass the "Having threatened to murder family members multiple times" low and that is already six feet underground! Gods, I'm going to need so much therapy when I get out.

Good thing is I used that to get out of her bad graces - because this morning I dared to.... Go and eat breakfast in my room. No, literally, she went and threw a tantrum because of that. What the fuck. How am I, a wreck under an extreme amount of stress with a schedule more hectic that a doctor's (I'm still going to med school btw, even with the possible risk of getting drafted, because I didn't fight my entire abusive family on it for nothing) and with a fucking van of trauma I drag behind me daily more stable than these two fucks! Seriously, they act like emotionally stunted five year old and I am tired of it>:(

(Honestly, when I said "I want my teenage years to be more adventurous", I didn't mean "I want to live through a global pandemic and a war that exposed just how rotten the political core of the country is and have to hide everything about myself from beliefs to my raging queerness while trying to escape a violently abusive house", but oh well, beggars can't be choosers. Also I think I might get some more info and attempt to run away to another country in 1-2 years, but that is only if the info I get is the most fortunate. Wish me luck!)

As you can see, this one actually didn't turn out to be this heavy. Have a nice day!(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*.✧

Hi, nonnie! I'm guessing it's late for words of encouragement regarding your exams 😅 it sounds so stressful to have to organise a concert right before your exams start! I definitely will pass if I ever get the chance to dance in heels—I honestly can't even stand while wearing them 😂

Your brother and mother sound horrible to live with, it's no wonder you're tired of it :( I hope you can go go uni and get away from there soon. They sound so volatile and violent, and it's no wonder you carry so much trauma around, between them and your country's political situation/queerphobia (plus the pandemic... Ugh). I really hope you can get therapy to help you handle this all in the future, and that you find away to leave the country safely and live somewhere where you feel safe enough to heal.

Wishing you the best of luck with that and sending so many positive thoughts your way ❤️

I hope you have a nice day too!

[rayshippouuchiha]

Hey Ray, I wanted to ask your advice if that’s okay (long story, sorry). I started rewatching a show yesterday (Shadowhunters, very entertainingly terrible if you’ve never seen it), and immediately got a hankering to reread an absolutely hilarious and emotionally gripping Shadowhunters fanfic that I’m subscribed to, which hadn’t been updated in years but that I’ve reread quite a few times (OFC twin insert, called “Shadowhunters: The Ever Chroncles”, the author was NoapologiesNoexcusesNoregrets, on both ao3 and fanfic.net). Their works are some of my favourite fanfics, and I remember laughing out loud so often while reading them.

I found the old update emails in my inbox, but discovered that the author not only deleted this fic but apparently their entire profile with all their other work. It kinda upset me, and I tried to see if maybe they had moved to a different website, but if so they are using a different username. I remembered the author deleting and reuploading some stuff before because they weren’t happy with it but people had asked them to put it back up, and I guess I should’ve downloaded the fic while I still could. I managed to find some chapters using the wayback machine on archive.org, and some more google searches led me to a DeviantArt account that posted the first chapter of the author’s twilight fic (that I also read and was still subscribed to) back in 2015.

I am considering trying to reach out to that account to see if they are the same author and if so, why they deleted their works and if they are available anywhere else, but I’m honestly still reeling from it being deleted. I’m also not even sure if it is the right person/they are still active on DeviantArt considering I can’t find the author anywhere else anymore. And if it is the right person, I don’t want to bother them if they deleted everything because of a negative experience or remind them of bad feelings or anything, since they must have had a reason to actually delete everything instead of just leaving it up but not updating anymore if they lost interest…

Do you know of anyone who might know why everything was deleted (if I remember right, they wrote in Twilight, Shadowhunters, HP, Doctor Who, and Supernatural fandoms)? As a fanfic author, would you be bothered by someone contacting you about deleted works? I’d really appreciate any advice!

I'll put it out there to see if anyone knows them.

Depending on the tone of the message it wouldn't really bother me but that's not a universal opinion.

Best advice would be to just be exceedingly polite and non-pressuring if you do reach out. I don't really see the harm in trying as long as you respect whatever response they give you.

[astro-rain]

delicate; b.barnes

chapter four - mri’s & other modern commodities

delicate masterlist

word count: 1.8k

synopsis: bucky faces his first day of treatment, and discovers some new things along the way: some scary, some awesome, some maybe slightly embarassing.

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

[A/N]: not my gif

When he woke up, he scanned his room, making sure everything was the same as how he left it the night before. Making sure no one came in while he was asleep and poisoned his brain. Making sure he was waking up in his living quarters in Wakanda and not a damp cell in some secret Hydra base. It was just something he did now.

Some may call it paranoia, others may call it adaptation. Either way, once he stepped outside and made sure he was alone, he allowed himself to take a breath.

Today was the day, the first day of official treatment. He had no idea what to expect; he was just hoping to high heavens that it would end up working. Freedom. That's all he wanted. Liberation from the chains Hydra had had around him since he fell from the train all those years ago.

He was apprehensive for sure, but he tried his best to keep himself optimistic. Bucky was sure that Shuri was smarter than any Hydra scientist he once came in contact with. So, if they can tear apart his mind, perhaps she can put it back together. Right?

Her in addition to (Y/N). That psychologist woman. He had spoken to her the day before at the lake. She was funny, and she seemed decently easy to talk to. That's a good sign, he guessed. She told him that she hadn't minded relocating to assist in his treatment, but he honestly couldn't make out her true feelings. She was rather hard to read. Perhaps it was a psychologist thing; he tried not to look too far into it.

He waited outside his door until two Wakandans came to escort him to Shuri. Bucky noticed they were armed. Guards. He wasn't surprised nor did he blame them. However, that didn't make it any easier to trust. He hadn't had that luxuy in a very long time. The former assassin fought against the voice in the back of his head telling him to analyze their every move in order to ensure that he wasn't in any danger. That any minute they weren't going to strap him down and rip his brain apart the way it had been so many times before. So many times. He gave the slightest wince at the thought. His brain suddenly felt prickly, painful memories creeping up on him.

Not now, don't think about it.

Sometimes, if he fixated on the thoughts for too long, he would drive himself to this panicked state of fear and constriction. He wasn't sure exactly what this thing was. All he knew was that these things - these episodes - were extremely unpleasant, and utterly unnecessary at the moment.

He shook his head (somehow hoping that this would rid him of the prickly memories like a dog shaking off water), strands of long brown hair swaying quickly in front of his eyes, and fixed his gaze to the floor.

Floor. Floor. Floor. Floor. Just the floor. The floor. The floor. The floor-

"Sergeant Barnes!" Shuri welcomed him happily.

Oh. He was in the lab now. He let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. Let's do this.

"Good morning," he smiled, "and just Bucky's okay."

"Of course, of course. This is my lab! Best place in Wakanda in my humble opinion. Today's only the first day of treatment, so nothing too intensive. But, we will be working all the same!"

He glanced around the lab. The guards were at the doorway and they didn't look like they were leaving anytime soon. Again, he wasn't surprised. Moreover, sitting at a table a few feet from Shuri, was a familiar face. This familiar face soon met his gaze.

"Hi, Bucky" (Y/N) greeted, offering a polite smile. "See! I remembered this time."

Bucky grinned. "Are you still (Y/N), or is it Dr. (Y/L/N) since we're in the lab now?"

"I'm always (Y/N)."

"I don't know, if I went to school for as long as you did, I'd make everyone call me Doctor," Shuri added.

(Y/N) laughed. "Well, if you want to call me Doctor you're more than welcome, Shuri."

"That's the spirit, Doc," she declared before turning to Bucky. "Now, follow me and we'll get a quick MRI done."

"A what?" He quickly caught up to Shuri who already started walking away.

"An MRI. It stands for magnetic resonance imaging. Basically, scanners use strong magnetic fields, magnetic field gradients, and radio waves to generate images of the organs in the body."*

Yes, very basic.

(Y/N) leaned over to Bucky, explaining softly, "It's used to form pictures of the anatomy and the physiological processes of the body."**

"Oh."

"You just lay down and it scans you. Y'don't even feel anything."

"Thats... not too bad, I guess."

"It's a bit of a tight fit though, so I hope you're aren't claustrophobic."

Bucky rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, after cryo, I doubt tight spaces will be too much of a bother for me."

"Right," said (Y/N), "but it's still decently in your personal space. Just so you know - so there's no surprises."

He nodded. They didn't say anything until Shuri stopped short in front of them. She stood a couple feet from a shiny metal table which was lined up in front of an equally shiny and metallic semi-cricle arch. It was long enough to fit - well, would you look at that - a body.

"Oh. I guess there is a surprise," (Y/N) blurted, turning to Shuri, confused. "That isn't like any MRI machine I've ever seen."

"That's because you're in Wakanda," Shuri flashed a proud smile. "Tech's a bit... advanced here."

(Y/N) turned to Bucky. He thought he saw something resembling self consciousness flow across her features, but he wasn't sure.

"Sorry, I guess I was wrong. But, honestly this is way better than a typical MRI set up. It's much more open... and wide. Regularly, it would be like a super narrow tube with hardly any space inside. This way, you'll even be able to see us and the rest of the room."

That's good. More space. More freedom. And he'll be able to see her- them, see them.

Shuri clapped. "Alright! Shall we get started then?"

He had no idea how any of this worked; he was way out of his element here. He just barely learned what a damn MRI was, and had to hide his shock when he found out. Medicine has changed dramatically since 1945. Although it is helpful, he is completely clueless. Great.

"Do I jus-just lay on the table?" He asked, unsure.

"Yep! Just lie there and be absolutely still, and I'll do the rest," Shuri replied, reassuringly as she walked around to a control panel next to the machine, preparing to start.

Bucky took his place on the thin metal table, and he thought he was seeing things. Was it was levitating? Honestly, from what he's seen so far he wouldn't even be surprised. He stared up at the ceiling, getting lost in thought. A string of various questions and uncertainties fluttered through his battered mind.

Would the metal arm interfere with the magnet- oh. Right. No arm. Just a scan, no need to worry. (Y/N) said it would be fine. Can I even trust her Then again, can I even trust anyone yet? She's the best I got right now. Damn it, I wish I wasn't so wary of everyone.

"Hey," a gentle voice pulled him out.

He looked over to the left of him, the side with no arm. (Y/N).

"I can practically hear your brain whirring around right now - which is justified - but do you need anything?"

'Do you need anything?' He hadn't heard that phrase in a while.

He adjusted his body on the table. "I'm alright, just... a bit out of my element here."

She nodded, knowingly. "Honestly, me too. This lab looks like somethin' out of a sci-fi movie for me, so I can't imagine what it must feel like to you."

She was looking down at him. He felt vulnerable, exposed. It seemed like she noticed.

"Here, I have an idea."

With that, she turned and grabbed something from a nearby table. Rotating around to face him again, she displayed what she had taken: a pair of headphones... but without a wire? What the hell?

"Are they broken?" he asked, feeling perpetually confused.

"No, they're wirelessly connected to my phone. It's called bluetooth."

The look on his face was almost laughable.

"Bluetooth? What kind of name is Bluetooth?"

"The kind of name that I didn't invent nor should I be blamed for," she chuckled. "Do you want to listen to music while you're in there? It might help to keep you down on Earth with us."

Music. The thought was almost surreal. He hadn't been privileged with such a pleasure in longer than he'd care to admit. It actually seemed... nice.

"Y-yeah," he said, pondering. "That'd actually be nice."

"Awesome."

She leaned over him to put the headphones on his ears, causing him a very conflicting series of emotions.

First of all, close. She was very close to his face. His face, his eyes, his nose, his lips. It almost seemed a tad bit intimate. And then he realized he hadn't been this close to a woman in forever. A real woman, not some fellow assassin he had to take out. He hoped the shy embarrassment he felt didn't show on his cheeks.

Second of all, she was wrapping something around his head, his brain. He tried not to, but he couldn't stop the muscle memory of what he'd been conditioned to feel. Hydra's machine would wrap around his head and rip his psyche apart. His mind expected pain, the worst pain, the dehumanizing, out of body, mind splitting pain. He hoped the way he flinched ever so slightly didn't offend (Y/N).

She didn't seem offended, and her voice was soft. "You're good. Just music and a scan. Then you're done."

He looked up at her face, reassuring and calm. He took a deep breath.

"Good?" she asked.

He nodded. "Think so."

"If it's too much at any point just let us know, and we'll pull you right out. It's your comfort level, your choice."

His choice. Choice. Control. The prospect gave him comfort.

She gave him one last look before stepping away and signaling Shuri to start the machine. The seemingly levitating table began a smooth descent into the machine when the music started playing. It almost startled him, but he then he was pleasantly surprised by what he heard.

There were loud drums, guitar riffs with attitude, and voices that had so much emotion they were almost screaming. It was like no music he had ever heard before, and he loved it. In fact, he was so into it that he didn't even notice when the MRI had finished. That is, until he felt a feather light hand on his shoulder. His eyes opened, and (Y/N) had the biggest grin on her face. While taking the headphones off of him, she looked very pleased with herself.

She looked at Shuri but declared to no one in particular, "Bucky likes Rock and Roll!"

- - -

* = from wikipedia

** = from wikipedia

[cruelfeline]

(1/2) the people saying you're neurodivergent are... well, they're not wrong, per se, but they don't have the information needed to be as sure of themselves as they are. you can't diagnose someone with autism or adhd based on a bunch of stuff they said on the internet. you just can't. like, you could have autism or adhd, but that isn’t for random people on the internet to decide. tumblr is weird, because

(2/2) there’s awareness of ableism and mental illness and other nd conditions, but in an almost… fetishizing, identity-politics sort of way that mirrors their past obsession with gay men. like, as soon as people on tumblr have half an ounce of understanding about a disorder, they’ll just announce that their favorite characters and other real-life tumblr users have it, even if that isn’t true. but when someone who *actually* has it shows ugly symptoms, they’re still shunned. in this essay i will

So, anon, I appreciate your viewpoint and know you are trying to provide helpful information, but I will stop you at any sort of assumption that the people talking to me about this are in the business of fetishization or identity politics or what-have-you. While I know that that sort of thing exists, I don’t feel like it is relevant in this case.

I have massive respect for many of the people who have offered their opinions and resources and support whenever this topic comes up, and I know that a good number of them are ND themselves. They have been highly supportive and very kind, and I don’t get any sense that they have untoward motives, or are playing weird tumblr games, or anything of the sort.

Honestly, the only reason this keeps coming up is because I have difficulty identifying myself as anything concrete without a doctor patting me on the head and telling me it’s okay; until that happens, I will feel the need to state that I’m not ND whenever making a post involving any discussion of ND traits or what-have-you (for disclaimer purposes). And, inevitably, when I do that, someone ends up expressing their surprise because apparently, I come across as ND. apparently the level of Hordak is Very High It’s happened enough separate times, with no prompting, that I don’t really know what to think about it, but I certainly don’t feel that there’s any ulterior motive to it. Just people’s honest reaction.

And when it does happen (or when I make a remark that people find... um... psychologically concerning?), people with what they feel are similar experiences come over and try to convey what they’ve gone through and how that may or may not be useful to me. 

Again: I have a certain amount of trust in a number of people who talk to me on here. Maybe not every random anon I get, but certainly various mutuals and followers whom I’m more familiar with. I don’t mind their input and am quite thankful for it.

[guigz1-coldwar]

'Trying' : an new chapter for "The woman with an strange name" is out ! (Warning : NSFW +18)

"Trying" (NSFW +18)

Chapter Summary : Talking with the sheriff & the priest about her doubts of her love for the women did make Bell an little bit confident but to fully know the truth, she may have to try that for real....

To read it on AO3, click here !

Taglist : @snowgoldwaylon , @clxudtea , @efingart , @smokeywhalee (If anyone want to be added, feel free to tell me, same thing for my main fic "Redemption of an Spirit in an Cold War')

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This was now one of the main questions that Bell was asking herself : was she in fact loving womens after all ? In her life, she never got the chance to actually been with someone as she wasn't seeing herself as an wife of an husband and also because the guy that were trying to make their moves on her wasn't this polite and acting like jerks. That did caused her to stay alone for an large part but now, she grew up and she maybe wanted some company but....was she really thinking an future with someone else....another woman ?

She needed to know but now before trying to know, she decided to do the things she was thinking of : she came back to see the gunsmith Frank Woods to get her new Winchester 1886, some bullets with it and an special holstler for the rifle to put at her back and like she thought, she had to face the inevitable questions of him about who was the famous gunslingers that learned her to shoot but she always managed to keep the secret up when she left the shop.

After that, she was gone to see the doctor Sims for her horse and this time, she prefer to not ask him further questions about Adler and then, after that, she was going back to the sheriff where she could take her 'deputy star', unofficialy making her the newest & first female deputy in the city of Redemption before she returned to her hotel room to keep her new rifle in safety, only bringing it when she will be 'on duty', now waiting for the night.

The night came and it was sounding like an party in the saloon near by and of course, Bell was already looking interested so she left her hotel room and thinking to see the sheriff at his office, he wasn't. In fact, when she entered the saloon, she could see in the bar and he wasn't alone. There were also the doctor and the gunsmith and the sheriff was the only one to not drink.

"Seems that your deputy is here, Laz'" Sims signaled to him her arrival near the bar counter where she was already making an sign to the bartender that she wasn't going to order anything.

"That star is looking fine on you, miss." Woods complimented, pointing at the yellow star on Bell's white shirt while she was moving next to the sheriff.

"Thank you, Woods." She thanked him, putting her arms on the bar counter.

"So, how's things here ?" She asked to the three of them, looking at the saloon through the mirror behind the counter, seeing an lot of people here....also armed one...."Looking like the mayor is bringing another party." She thought to herself in an low voice.

"Like usual, trying to live normally when the situation isn't normal at all." Woods was the one to reply, taking another sip of his beer as Sims almost nudged him in an friendly way, warning him he was maybe speaking an bit up.

"Adler is making another party but don't put hopes up because it ain't for us." Azoulay explained to Bell, the only one that was also like Bell : not looking around, just blank stare in front of them through the mirror.

"I wasn't going to hope for that." She muttered, thinking about it because why Adler would celebrate the fact that he reinstated the sheriff here...something he is already controlling like this whole town now. "Is he here ?"

"Yeah and guess with who ?" The sheriff whispered, making an discreet sign with his head to show where Adler was and already knowing who was that 'who', Bell couldn't resist to peak her head discreetly and for one second to see Adler, his right arm holding Miss Park firmly on that couch....she was very lovely to look at but Bell might need to think of something else as she wouldn't want to reenact the events of three days ago. "I knew you couldn't resist."

"I was just curious." She defended herself, trying to stay cool and managing to keep her look on the boys.

"Everyone is curious here, miss Bell." Sims stated, his glass in his hands as he was knowing well that word....people are getting curious, that's something usual in this city. "If someone wasn't curious here, it wouldn't be normal." He added, laughting an little.

"He got that right." Woods exclaimed, finishing his beer before his eyes went on Bell. "Come on, miss Bell, tell me how did you learn to shoot ?" He demanded, still insistant on the subject and she rolled her eyes on it.

"Again ?" She mumbled in an funny way.*

"Just give me an clue of who could have teach all of this !" He suggested and it was an first as he was always demanding about the person that she has been teached the art of shooting with an gun and by the look of it, the sheriff & the doctor wanted to know too now.

"Fine, just one clue." She resigned herself to tell him one little thing about her skills. "You ever heard about the Gunfight at O.K. Corrall ?" She asked them with an smile on her face as eyes went wide on her, everyone was knowing well of that event because it happened in Arizona and the person who participated.

"No, you got to be shitting me, miss." Woods couldn't believe it and more when she shook her head to him. "Who is the one teaching you ?" He questioned her but she shook her head again as she had given an clue, not the whole response.

"An deal is an deal, Woods." She scoffed.

"She got that right." The sheriff repeated the same words Woods used before as he wasn't also believing this clue too but less curious than Woods. "Seriously, I can't believe that it was one of the participants of that gunfight." He added, speaking to Bell about this.

"It's the truth but I'm keeping the secret." She affirmed again, turning around to put her elbows on the bar, looking around. "You will maybe know if you stop been too curious." She claimed, precisely targeting Woods with her words.

"Fine." He groaned, putting his empty glass on the bar counter before he looked up at the first floor. "Seems that the girls are watching us." He stated, causing the three others to look with him to an group of prostitutes that were having their eyes on the group before they started to move to get down, Bell seeing one of the girls that was only focused on her....only her...

"Shit, don't blush !" She thought to herself as two of the ladies were walking down the stairs including the one who was looking at Bell.

"You looking fine, Sergeant Woods." One of the prostitutes started, already putting her hands on Woods left arm.

"Miss Petrov, you also feeling lovely." He stated, knowing her well....was it love in the air between the two ? By the look of it...yes ! "Are you free ?" He asked, sounding like an shy man.

"I'm always free for you, sergeant." She replied, putting her hands on his before she start to move away with him outside the saloon for fun maybe, now leaving the others at the bar counter.

"You seems an bit...blushing, miss Bell." The prostitute that were looking at Bell commented as Bell was really blushing here at the sight of the woman in front of her that was looking so lovely too.

"Miss Bell is an bit shy, Maxis." The sheriff responded at Bell's place, giving her name to the prostitute.

"Uhm...yeah....I'm....yeah, I'm blushing." Bell admited in an loss of words, speechless at looking at Maxis before suddenly, she could feel Maxis hands coming to grab hers..."Uhm..." She was looking an bit uncomfortable.

"I think that I can help you with that, where's your room ?" Maxis demanded to her, an smile on her face as Bell was like becoming red on her face, her blushing taking over.

"Come on, you can do this." The sheriff encouraged her positively since he learned about her doubts on her sexuality, giving some strenght for Bell to move and to react.

"Follow me." She ordered in an low & stunned voice, still holding Maxis hands as the two start to leave the saloon.

Oh...my... That was the first thought that Bell got in her mind when she saw that woman taking her hands in her own, feeling for the first time, the nice feeling of an woman skin along her hands and still, she was looking blushing all along the way by that. This night was maybe going to be her night where she will know if yes or no, she is in fact loving women and it was looking that this miss Maxis was willing to help without any hesitations in her head.

Also, she was feeling troubled about what the others could feel about this but she was mixed between thinking about it or mostly to not give an simple fuck to the opinions on the others about what she feels. Of course like she predicted, the hotel receptionist sighed at seeing her before getting an jaw drop when he saw her accompanied by another woman as the two were climbing up the stairs before they arrived in Bell's hotel room.

"Here we are." Bell spoke up when they were inside the hotel room, closing the door after letting Maxis getting inside her room.

"You're sounding very low, darling." Maxis notificed that by hearing Bell's voice. "What's wrong ?" She asked her as Bell decided to get sit on the end of the bed.

"It's just that...it's my first time." Bell responded honestly with her thoughts.

"There's always an first time for everything." Maxis reassured her, going in front of Bell still standing before she start to remove Bell's light brown hat off her head in an delicate way.

"Yeah but I never kissed anyone in my life and it's my first time with an woman, miss Maxis." Bell corrected as tonight is going to be an first time for an lot of things : kissing, be with an woman and now....seems that sex was also an part of it....

"Well, I'm glad to be your first experience." Maxis said before she put her hand on Bell's shoulder, gesturing to her to lie down on the bed, Bell complying to her orders and slowly crawling backwards ont he bed as Maxis was getting on top of her in an slowly & sexy way. "And...please, call me Sam, I'm your friend."

"Alright, Sam." Bell whispered as she was seeing Sam on top of her, both heads almost close each other and the two were looking at each other in the eyes until Sam...Maxis...decided to make the first move by pulling her lips on top of Bell's one, giving her first kiss in her life. Maxis was making sure that this kiss was going to be an good memory and it was working, Bell slowly moving the movement and getting her hands along Maxis's waist with her fingerless gloves....she was liking it. "That's...wonderful." Bell stated after the two broke the kiss after an minute.

"I like it too." Maxis affirmed as she was amazed by the taste of those lips before her hands start to slowly get on Bell's white shirt, touching her breasts before slowly unbutting her shirt. "I want to know more about you, miss Bell." She added, still doing her things.

"Yes, Sam." Bell breathed, feeling her shirt going off by Maxis, it was sure that she was slowly getting her emotions took over herself as she was really liking it.

"Don't worry, I did fucked with more women then man and honestly, women were always better." Maxis revealed to Bell in an normal voice after she finished to unbutton her shirt, seeing the little white bra covering Bell's breasts, putting her hands to feel them in it....god, those breasts were amazing to touch as Maxis thought. "In fact, I prefer to please women." She added, peaking her eyes to Bell's one, an smile on her face.

"Please me then." Bell's voice was cracking as she wanted to know, she was impatient...Maxis make her impatient and willing to try now..."Sam, just do it." She pleaded, starting to moan as Maxis were touching her nipples with her fingers.

"As you wish, Bell." Maxis smiled before she start to move her hands away to remove Bell's black pants away, thinking that it was in fact better to remove that type of clothes than the usual robes of the others women she had sex with. Of course, Bell moved an little to help Maxis to remove her pants, revealing the white underwear. "What an sight !" Maxis complimented Bell before she get her head near Bell's scrotch. "Don't panick, Bell, I'm here." She recomforted her as it was her first time, no need to go hard.

"Yes, Sam." Bell repeated again, breathless as she could feel Maxis head near her panties before feeling it get moved aside, now...her clit now been seeing by Maxis. "Oh..." She moaned when Maxis blow some air at her clit.

"Don't worry, I'm here." Maxis reassured her again before she start to move her lips on Bell's clit to make an little kiss and then, she start to slowly lick Bell's clit with her tongue and Bell was silently moaning, her hands grabbing the bed itself as she was getting excited to be able to discover the pleasure of another woman. She was loving it now more than ever. Feeling Maxis's tongue licking her clit was really new and so...nice to feel, even starting to put her left hand on her breast.

"Oh my god !" Bell groaned an bit louder as long as Maxis was continuing her business down there more faster than before and then, she was now feeling like an finger entering her clit, doubling the pleasure she's been given and excitation was getting higher until Maxis kept the finger she inserted and moved to get back on top of Bell, starting to kiss her right breast. "Sam !" She said, getting fingered and having her right nipple kissed by Maxis.

"Bell, you're wonderful." Maxis told her clearly, taking an second before continuing to kiss her nipples as she was still fingering her clit and like she was thinking about, more she was doing it, more Bell was getting close to squirt for the first time and that what she did. She removed her finger at the moment she saw Bell's face and the second after, Bell was squirting on her bed and an bit on the floor, her emotions finally taking over her. "Did I hurt you ?" Maxis asked, an bit worried.

"No...you were perfect." Bell replied in an low & lovely voice, bringing an smile on both faces. "I....I want to continue but..."

"It's okay if you don't want to continue." Maxis cut her gently, staying right on top of her but Bell shook her head.

"No, it's just that...it is possible to continue but not tonight ?" She demanded as she was looking exhausted after this long day and now, having been pleased by this lovely woman named Sam...Maxis..."I loved your passion & your style." Bell added, telling the truth.

"Of course, we can continue tomorrow." Maxis responded, landing an little friendly kiss on Bell's lips before she moved aside to lie down next to Bell. "If you let me sleep here...." She smirked at Bell, getting her arm around Bell's chest.

"Yes, Sam, you can." Bell agreed, looking at Maxis installing herself comfortably on her bed, her arms still around her as she was feeling so new & changed now. Her doubts in head weren't longer doubts and it was real for her....

She was surely loving women...she can feel it now !