#i know I probably sound super fucking selfish and I'm sorry

[sweet-herba-mystica-archive]

why is all the internet and shit in my room because the internet will go down once and then suddenly everyone is in my room trying to fix it and I don't like people in my room

[swiftiewillwrite]

how you get the girl

jason todd x reader

fanart by @twalxx (found on pinterest)

pairing - jason todd x reader

warnings - smut! starts angsty, fluff and smut later :))

a/n - this is my first smut, but i had like all of my friends proof read so im super excited to share this with yall! songfic based on how you get the girl by taylor swift (and a bit of i wish you would)

Things had ended with Jason, but it hadn't had the desired effect.

It was just too painful when you were together, the not knowing. Not knowing if he was safe every night. Not knowing if you were safe. You were scared constantly, just never knowing. All you wanted was for him to be safe.

—

You realized you couldn't do it anymore when he went no contact for two days.

You had thought he was dead. You were pacing your townhouse nonstop, music following suit. Trying to drown out the silence and your thoughts. You plopped onto the couch, picturing every other time this had happened in your mind. The pain you felt every night, that worsened every time another hour went by. So you made your decision.

When he finally came home that night, ready to run into your arms, you closed them. and you fought. The front door opened and shut and all the built-up anger from two years of sleepless nights and not letting yourself be selfish flooded out of you.

“What the hell, Jason? Are you okay? I thought you were dead, you asshole!”

The tone in your voice shocked him, you could see it in his eyes. “What?”

Your tears were threatening to spill from your already red eyes, but you didn't let that stop you. You pressed the back of your hand to your cheek. “I'm sorry, it's just-, I can't do this! Every week, I have to grapple with the fact that you could be dead! And what if you were? You can't come back every time you die, you know that!”

“What- what do you want me to do? There are always going to be people getting hurt, you know that.”

“Exactly. And I will never come first. You’re just too fucking good a person, Jason. you never let yourself be selfish! I wanted you to put us first.” You look at him; “Just go.”

“Is this for real?” And now tears were welling up in his eyes. “This was all so fast.”

“This was the opposite of fast. I just tried not to see it. Because I love you so, so, much Jason, that's why I can't do this. Just- send one of your siblings to get your stuff tomorrow.”

He pauses. “Okay, Doll, if this is what you want, I will go.”

“Don't call me that, you're gonna make this too hard,” You hear yourself let out an embarrassing snort through your snot and tears.

“Then can I kiss you goodbye, instead?”

Already sobbing, you nod.

—

And now you can't get him out of your head. It's been six months, and he won’t get out. Every time you see lights through your window coming from the street, you think maybe. Maybe he came home to you.

And you just hope that when he's out every night, saving more damsels, he thinks about your home in the center of the city.

Every night you prayed that he would come back. And say that he wants you, no matter what. Even if it was you who broke his heart, because you also broke your own. You wished for it like it was the only thing that kept you going, because it was.

But you never really believed your wish would come true. You had already burnt that bridge. And in doing so, burned away your past. Your friendships with the Waynes, every late night spent tending wounds.

2 A.M. another late night, doing anything you could to get your mind off of him. Especially tonight. The twenty-seventh of April. For the past two years, on this day, Jason had been in your bed. You held him, and told him he was safe. Safe from what happened to him on this day, years before you were able to take care of him. Your bed was empty, and it killed you to know he was probably in his own, having the nightmares you worked so hard to keep him safe from.

2 A.M. A rough and fast knock against your front door cuts through the sound of the pouring rain, and you find yourself looking through the peephole of your townhouse. Eye level with you is Jason Todd, curly hair soaked. You could see his breath in the cold, and how little his unzipped leather jacket was doing to keep him warm. You pull the door open.

“Are you insane?”

“I know, I just- I need you. Sweetheart, I need you back. God, it's been a long six months. I know, I fucked you up, i fucked us up, and that is reason enough for you to slam the door in my face, but..” he trailed off and made eye contact with you; “I will make it up to you. I just need you tonight. You know what tonight is, I know that you didn't forget,” He was pleading, eyebrows furrowed and tears welling in his eyes. “I can't get through tonight without you,”

And before you can process it, you're leaning in and your lips are on his again, and it feels like home. They're soft against you and feel the same as they did the last time you touched six months ago, if just more desperate. He wraps his arms around your back, embracing you tightly. You pull away for a quick second just to say: “Come in, stay the night. I missed you too. We can talk this through in the morning.”

He enters the home that had missed him so much, and you close the door behind him as fast as you can. He dives back for your lips, like a man who had been lost in the desert finally getting water. It was passionate, and for a moment made you forget that you had waited for so long. It just felt like before, and for the meantime would put a band-aid over the months of pain. You kissed him through the hallway, pushing him back to your room, and somewhere along the way, he lost his jacket. When you got to the bedroom, you shoved him against the door, biting his lips and letting yourself absolutely lose control on his mouth. When you pulled away, you could see that it was swollen and redder than when you had started.

You slowly moved down his neck, starting with a hickey on his jaw in a spot that you knew was his favorite place. He breathed out your name, giving you motivation to move down and kiss his adams apple. “Jesus, doll,”

You spread out, leaving marks all over his neck. The closer you got to his collarbone, the more vocal he was, letting out a dozen sickly-sweet nicknames for you. You start to make another bruise on his neck, but he squeaks out a “stop,”

You pull back. “Is something wrong?” for a moment fear creeps into your mind, and you remember. You haven't seen him in months, what if this is too much? This is the anniversary of his death, for god's sake-

“Can we move to the bed?”

Oh.

“Yeah, if you're ready-” you cut yourself off when Jay removes his shirt as youre speaking, revealing a tapestry of scars. A breath catches in your throat. Shit, you had almost forgotten how good he looks shirtless. Almost. “Yeah, okay,” You follow suit, pulling your shirt over your head and fumbling at your bra hooks.

You both stumble down the hallway, when you sit on the bed, back against the headboard. Jason looks at you like you're his last meal, and sits in between your legs, hands already reaching for your breasts.

Almost immediately, his fingers are tugging at your nipples and his lips are suckling at them. you squeal each time he bites at your nipples and he's moving back and forth between each like he can't choose his favorite, and humming nicknames for you every time he stops to breathe. After a couple minutes of sweet bliss, you put your hand in his still damp curls and push him off of you.

“Jay, I think you need some attention too.” you put his hand on his chest and push him down so he's lying on his back. You struggled with yanking his jeans down his legs as they were still wet with rainwater, but you managed. He starts: -wait, I didn't even get to- When you get down his boxers, his erection springing free, and he gasps, cutting himself off at the sensation of the cold air hitting him.

You settle in between his legs, wrapping a hand around him. Your thumb finds his tip and spreads his precum over his length, lubricating it for your hand to move. This elicits a reaction from him. “Jesus sweetheart, you never stop,”

You're confused. “Stop what?” you ask, pressing a kiss to his tip. He grunts.

“Making my heart pound out o’ my fucking chest, Doll,” He puts a hand on your cheek. “Never - fuck - stop.” you tighten your grip on his cock halfway through this phrase.

This makes you smile profusely, and to mask the grin, you open your mouth and fill it with the familiar feeling of Jason's member. He nearly howls in response, a string of profanities falling out of his mouth.

You look up at him with eyes you know he loves, and you hollow out your cheeks to - just for a second - suck harder. After this, you run your tongue along his base and pull off of him with a pop.

“Wait no- why- why did you stop? Baby, why did you stop?” Jason starts to whine, a sound you would never forget in your life, and you giggle.

“Relax,” you smile as you move to sit on top of him. You pull your shorts off, taking the panties with them. “I just want to ride you,”

“You're ready? Doll, I didn't even touch you, are you sure it won't hurt- ohmygod!”

You had started to lower yourself onto Jason's cock as he spoke, enjoying the way he was extra vocal when he didn't expect it. You leaned down to kiss him, and it was softer this time. Sweeter, romantic. Loving, not just lustful. And you can feel it, the affection for you that he had never lost. You pull away, your breathing fast and heavy, to say:

“I still love you,”

“I love you too,”

And just like that, it feels normal again. No time has passed and you got through another year together, trying to make what had once been the worst night in his life liveable. You laugh as you continue to lower yourself onto him, but the sound is garbled through a moan.

“What?” he asks, voice gruff from the pleasure.

“Nothing, it just did hurt a little, you were right.” Your eyes are sparkling, and your smile is somehow more beautiful than he remembered.

Jason smiled at you from his place on the bed, starstruck by you, and reached his arm between your legs to rub at your clit. You let out a whine that made you feel pathetic, but Jay reached behind your back to hold your chest against him, letting your bodies line up in an embrace that you were unsure if he knew was reassuring, or was just doing it to be closer to you. Either way, you were glad for the contact, and the feeling of his arm pressed between yours and his chest.

Jason's grin glinted in the warm lighting of your bedroom. You're reminded of a chip in one of his front teeth that you find all too endearing before he speaks. “Can you move, baby?” He punctuates this with pressing a circle against your clit. He smiles wider when you arch your back, pressing your tits harder onto him. You take a moment to regain words, but respond after a moment.

“Yeah,” you responded breathily, returning his smile. You lift your hips up and slowly lower yourself back down. Jason groans loudly, something that resembles your name falling from his mouth. Something snaps inside of you at the noise you had missed so much, and the next time you pull up, you slam yourself down on him.

“Holy fucking shit! Sweetheart, don't you need to take it sl- oh my god, oh my god, you're so perfect,” you continue this pattern, speeding up when he rubs your clit in that perfect way he would never forget.

You continue, sick slapping sounds filling the room. The muscles in your thighs and lower back are sore, and you start to slow down, sitting up so you're no longer lying on him. “ ‘M sorry Jaybird, I just - haven't done this in a while.” You look at your lover apologetically, but he doesn't speak a word back. All Jason does is grab your waist, looking into your eyes for a nod before he takes control.

He pumps up into you, hips lifting off the mattress and pushing deeper into you. You let out a pleasured scream, putting your hands on Jason's pecs, rolling a nipple in between your fingers absentmindedly. His thrusting speeds up when you start doing this. “Jason- Jesus Christ, so good.”

“Yeah? I know baby, I know it feels good,” another of his moans interrupts his sentence, but he continues- “You make me feel good too. So good.”

Somehow his thrusts get more rushed, pushing deeper into you. You let out a pitiful scream when he presses against your cervix, pain mixing into pleasure at the feeling of him bruising you. Jason hears you, and you can feel his cock twitch inside of you. You can tell he's close. “Baby, I'm gonna- where do you want it?” He whines, and your walls tighten at the sight of his eyes pleading with yours.

“Inside.”

“Baby, are you sure-”

“Please, Jason. Pill,” You start to beg, even though he hadn't asked for you to. “I need it. Need you. Missed you so much. Please!”

During your last word, you feel him release into you. Jason's hips sputter as he lets out another slightly pained moan. He lets his cock sit inside you for a moment, before he pulls himself out, his still hard cock sitting against his stomach. “Baby, get off. Let me make you cum. Let me clean you off.”

You blush at his words, as if you haven't fucked him a million times, nodding as you move off and onto the mattress. Jason repositions so you can rest your head on a pillow, pulling another to rest under your ass and lift you up.

Once you've settled as quickly as possible, Jason puts his face right against your pussy, admiring the way his cum mixes with your juices, spilling out of you. He starts with licking a stripe up your slit, and the image of his cum on his own tongue will never leave your brain, and causes your walls to tighten before he even puts a finger inside. He swallows, and goes back to licking into your hole, one hand absentmindedly rolling your clit in between his fingers as the other one squeezes your thigh. He moves them down from your clit to press into your hole, mouth instead focusing on your clit.

“Fuck, Jason!” He looks up at you, puppy dog eyes somehow turning you on more than you already were. He holds eye contact with you as he presses a third finger into you, curving to press against your sweet spot. You tangle a hand into his damp curls, pressing him onto your cunt.

Your walls tighten around his fingers, and he puts all of his effort into sucking and lapping at your clit. He hums on the bud, sending vibrations through your core. When you approach the edge, he starts licking at it instead, flicking the muscle back and forth. He talks into your pussy, praises for you being drowned in the flesh.

He lifts his head up for a gasping breath, still moving his fingers inside of you and quickly muttering: “Cum for me,” before diving back in. You listened, one last touch of your clit sending you over the edge. As you cum, Jason laps up the liquid that had leaked out of you over the night, flattening his tongue against your skin as he collects the last he can without a towel.

You shudder as he sits up, leaning forward to press a kiss onto your stomach before getting up from the bed. A moment of panic comes over you before-

“Are your washcloths still in the same place?” He asks softly. You nod at him, feeling too fucked out to speak, and watch him leave your bedroom.

After 30 seconds, he returns with a damp washcloth, and settles back in between your legs to wipe off your legs, pressing kisses on your inner thighs. As he moves up to your overstimulated cunt, he reaches for your hand. When the cloth passes over your sensitive spots, you squeeze his hand. After a few minutes of tender silence, he returns to your side, head on the pillow next to you.

“Hey.” He smiles.

“Hi,” you giggle back. After a brief pause, you continue: “I'm sorry. I was inconsiderate. When we broke up. I know what you do is important, and people need you-”

You're cut off by a kiss. “No. I needed to communicate more. And either way, it doesn't matter.” You quirk an eyebrow at him, “This is a fresh start,” he takes a breath in. “But really, I love you so much.”

You giggle, which seems to confuse him. Through your laugh, you attempt to speak- “Would you say- most ardently?” He rolls his eyes at the reference to his favorite book, but still leans in to press a peck to your lips.

“I love you most ardently,” he smiles at you.

“Good.”

[luveline]

hi!! hope you’re doing well and having a fantastic december so far <3 do you think maybe you would write something with James where the reader has always kind of been in toxic relationships where sex was the only way to move on from or get past a fight, and he like kind of rejects that and tries to (super gently and kindly) teach her how to talk about it in a healthy way and work through it together? i just think it could be cute :) ily!

hi! tysm, i hope you are too, ily <3 i think i focused in on the wrong thing but i hope you like it anyhow!!! cw past unhealthy relationships + conversation about sex 18+ mdni ♥︎ fem!reader 1.5k

James is practically radiating anger across the room. You can tell he's trying not to show it.

You're angry too, of course, but you're more scared than anything. Not of James (he'd probably rather die than hurt you, and you know that) but of the possibility that you might break up. 

It feels irrational and rational at once. He'd sounded so mad. He'd sounded hurt, which was worse. You'd made a snarky comment you now regret about his never being home because he's always at training, and he'd argued how this wasn't fair because rugby was literally his job, and you'd said it wasn't fair that you never saw him. So on and so forth, the argument had devolved into your saying stuff you didn't explicitly mean, backed into a corner, and James being upset because of it. You'd said… a lot of stuff that wasn't really true, and you'd accused James of not caring about you. 

That's what blew his top. 

You understand why he's mad about it. If he said the same to you, you'd be livid. But you don't really know how to fix it. 

Well, you do. Though James isn't looking at you like they would, no expectancy, no Well, aren't you going to say sorry? 

He's stationed himself on the sofa, elbows to his knees and facing the floor. While his anger is slipping, hurt and frustration are evident in his hunched posture. You stand up from the arm opposite where you'd been perched and take the few steps needed to close the distance, sitting primly by James' side. 

He's kind. He turns to look at you as soon as you settle, and it's with an openness that makes your mouth dry. In your head, you're thinking that this is more than salvageable, that James will fuck you and forgive you and that if you do a good enough job, he'll spend more time with you during the week. 

You put your hand on his knee, feeling the slightly tensed muscles underneath. 

"Jamie," you murmur, one part apologetic, one part something else, "I'm sorry." 

He holds your eye and then sighs inaudibly. 

You keep talking. You don't want him to get mad again, or impatient. "Really sorry, and…" Your hand inches upward. "I can make it up to you." 

He stiffens ever so slightly. You really hate that, unsure and unhappy and thinking maybe you can't fix anything after all. You pull your hand away, worried you've made him uncomfortable. He must see the flash of concern on your face as he sits up properly. 

"Sorry," you mumble, eyes on his leg. "I thought…" 

"That we would kiss and make up?" 

His sudden response startles you, but James doesn't sound as mad as you'd imagined. "No," you say quickly, although that is exactly what you'd thought. "No, but I- I-" 

You flounder for the right thing to say, embarrassed beyond words with the beginnings of panicked tears in your eyes. 

James' hand is warm as he places it on your shoulder, and his expression much softer than it had been. 

"Is that something you've done before?" he asks. 

"You don't want to?"

He can likely hear how mortified you are. His hand climbs to the curve of your neck as he shifts toward you, his knee pressed into yours. 

You perk up and immediately realise you've read the signs wrong again. James isn't going to kiss you. He's letting you down easy, which means he doesn't want to make up. 

You backtrack hard. "James- I swear, I'm sorry, and I won't- I won't complain again. I know you have to go, and I know it's selfish to expect you not to. I won't mention it again." 

You drift off, hoping he has something to say. 

He stares at you for a beat that's too long. 

"Sweetheart," he says finally, so softly, "back up a second, okay? I'm just trying to understand here. Did you think you had to have sex with me to say sorry?" 

You wince and lean away.

"Because you don't have to. Ever." 

You didn't think you had to have sex, but you're out of your depth here. You don't really know where to go from this point. "I know," you say weakly.

"Do you?" James asks, offering you his hand palm up over your thigh.

You take it like a lifeline. 

"I don't think that it's a good solution to our problem," he says. 

"What's our problem?" 

"We're not on the same page." 

You have never felt this awkward around James. To read the signs so wrong, to come onto him when he doesn't want it. "I'm sorry, for trying to-" 

He squeezes your fingers. "Hey, don't be. Is it okay if I talk for a little bit?" You nod stiffly. "Alright… I'm not sure what you've- what's happened before, but I want to say that you don’t have to feel like you need to apologise in that way with me, because it should be on your terms completely, always. You know?" He weighs your expression. He can't find what he's looking for, because he continues. "With us, I don't want sex to be a kind of," — he searches for the right word — "currency. I don't want that for you." Again, his voice turns soft as silk. He massages your fingers with his lovingly. "Understand?" 

"Yeah, I understand." 

His eyebrows pull together. "I'm not mad at you, angel. It was a misunderstanding." 

"I feel so-" Silly. Icky, immature. You shake your head. "I'm sorry." 

You're still trying to soak in what he's said. He doesn't need sex to know you're sorry. It takes a second, but you realise how nice that feels.

"It's okay, you don't have to be sorry. I just needed to make sure you knew. We might be fighting but you're still my girl, right?" 

Your throat aches as you say, "Right." 

He leans in a little closer. His voice quietens. "I'm sorry someone made you feel like you had to do that, sweetheart. Really. There are better ways to work through it." 

Tears come on so suddenly they're dripping off your jaw before you comprehend that you're crying at all, heavy teardrops that bump down your cheeks fiercely. 

James is as surprised as you to see them, and he proves to you how big his heart is for the second time in as many minutes when he starts wiping and kissing away your tears, placating you with little murmurs and reassurances. 

"It's okay," he says quietly, hand splayed behind your neck. 

You hide away in his neck. Embarrassment rolls hot over your skin and still you can't get the tears to stop. This is possibly the most whirlwind you've ever been in front of him, and you know how lucky you are to be treated so delicately through it all. 

"I'm sorry," you say again, thick with tears and genuinely appalled by your inability to stop crying. 

"Don't be sorry, my love," he says, quiet still. 

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." 

He scrubs his hand up and down your arm. "You didn't. I was more surprised than anything. I think… all the best make up sex comes after the making up, yeah? When we're both happy, and when we both want it because we want each other. Not because you feel like you need to." 

You mean to say thank you, but "I love you," comes out instead, all sniffly and scratchy. 

"I love you, too. You know that." 

You're lucky enough to say that you do. James surprises you, as that is by no means the end of the conversation. He talks about things you should've talked about a while ago, and he makes a lot of things clear. That sex isn't something you ever have to do. Not to make up, not because you owe him anything, and not because you think it's expected. And all these things are normal — they're, as James says, the bare minimum, but he doesn't understand. They may sound like the bare minimum to some, but you've never actually had them before. He apologises for that, too. 

And after, you talk about the argument. James tries to express his frustration, how he'd only been trying to resolve the issue, and you're gutted when you understand. You'd let insecurity guide you and you'd exacerbated the fight. Made it something that it wasn't. 

James assures you that it's okay. 

"I said stuff I didn't mean as well," he says. "Everybody does that." 

You talk it out. When you do have make up sex, it's much later, and it's because you want to. James must ask "Are you sure?" twenty times, and he insists on being able to see your face. You don't mind. 

He's right. All the best make up sex does come after the making up, not in place of it. 

—

to clarify this isn't me dogging on all make up sex, just in situations where the reader felt like she had to because it was the only way to make up, as requested <3

[1-800-scaryphone]

also on the note of crossovers i have more thought on the d.esu one i mentioned the other day (im so sorry skhfjdh)

i'm gonna go over both games bc the first one has some vibes to it too but here we go!

ok so the gist of BOTH games is that the world is in the midst of an apocalypse (both of which are caused by demons), and the only hope of salvation for humanity is to kinda "reboot" the world. in devil s.urvivor 1, it's very heavy on religious themes, and not only can you become godly and save the world THAT way, but you can defy god and literally become a demon king. it's a good game.

in the second game, you literally reboot the world however you see fit, which - in-game - separates your party into several "alignments," because none of them can agree on how they want the new world to be.

so! i kinda wanna talk abt where d.ialtown characters would fall on these alignments, since i just think it's Inchresting. i really wish there was a quiz or something for this. maybe i'll make one someday

D.ESU1

the first game has several alignments, divided into the holy, unholy, and three OTHER solutions to save the world that don't involve the protagonist literally becoming a saint or demon.

Kingdom of Saints

just like it sounds, this is the "holy" ending, where you use the power you've accrued throughout the game to become a saint/godly figure who can control the demons and send em back from whence they came.

i feel like it goes without saying that norm would encourage this route. i also think it'd be really funny if this was a "d.ietown" scenario, so gingi going through all these steps while assuming god is dead only to literally BECOME a godly figure (and probably meet god and have him be like "what the FUCK happened") is really funny. also, obviously, were callum in gingi's position, this would be the route he'd go for. that god complex i s2g

karen might also be part of this one just bc she is SUCH a warlord against demons in d.ietown

King of Demons

the "unholy" ending, in which you use the power you've accrued to rule over the demons...as a fellow demon.

the protagonist in d.esu1 has his cousin encourage him to go this route, but i think gingi could fully go this way on their own, considering that they're literally a demon in d.ietown. i also like to think that stabby and shooty would be part of this route, since, yknow, demons. they'd probably try to get gingi to make them their demonic underlings so they could be super powerful.

Desperate Escape

in this ending, you literally just escape the city (which has been barricaded so that no demons escape) and put the whole world in jeopardy iirc.

selfish as they are, this is definitely something gingi would do. depending on the scenario, i think randy might be the one to encourage this ending too, since he is just cowardly enough to do it.

Silent Revolution

in this ending, the protagonist is able to pacify the demons by using their accrued power, and the world as a whole uses demons and their power to advance modern society. in order to do all of that, they also need to "hack the planet," etc etc.

i can say, without a doubt, this would be oliver's route of choice. a way to solve the problem without changing yourself, and a way that uses his technical know-how, at that.

Song of Hope

in this ending, the protagonist is able to drive off the demons by using music (in a complicated way i won't get into rn).

hilariously enough, i think this would probably be a route that you get into with nathan h.anover, because "music"...

D.ESU 2

the original alignments i wanted to make this post about. god this is so fun to think about.

Meritocracy

a world in which the strong eat the weak, basically. you have to work to prove yourself to the powers that be, and if you aren't strong enough, you fuckin DIE. the world is ruled by those who are stronger, better, etc, and the people who "deserve it" thrive.

imo, this sounds like EXACTLY the sort of society mingus would try to build.

Egalitarian

an "equal" society; everyone is treated equally, given an equal share, has equal talents. peaceful to its core.

despite all the shit i give callum, this would be the society he would back. remember: the dial-up was supposed to HELP. he was so passionate about it because he wanted to help society thrive, to help those who had been disabled, just like him. despite all the "bad" that came out of it, he had GOOD intentions.

Restoration

bring the world back to the way it was before, before the apocalypse ever happened...though there is no guarantee it won't happen AGAIN.

with this also sort of being the "coward's way out" (i'm so sorry d.aichi i love you), reverting to a time that might inevitably doom the world all over again, i feel like this would be a randy route.

Liberation

free humanity as a whole from the looming threat of the septentriones (the entities/aliens/what have you that are currently attacking the world and throwing it into an apocalypse), and from the possibility that the "end" will come again. humanity is free, albeit at the cost of how FUCKED the world became during the apocalypse.

a norm route to its core. fight for your freedom and prove humanity's worth. i could also see oliver backing him on this one (boys gettin on!)

A Brand New World

hey, so what if we said "fuck the septentriones" and ALSO gave ourselves a whole new world to work with? humanity gets to be free, and it also gets to thrive on an earth that isn't completely dead. sounds nice.

this is a sort of "unlockable" route in-game, but i can completely see all of the dateables supporting it, so yay! i think it'd be really fucking funny if by some sort of irony, god was the one to propose the idea too. just "fuck it, i'll give you a new planet if you can pull this off"

there's also endings for record breaker but no i won't get into them, i've talked too long akjfkshfs. thank you for coming to my ted talk

[lesbiansandgayssupporttheminers]

Hi there! We don’t really know each other, but I love your blog. Destroy capitalism in a queer way is love. That aside, I have followed you for awhile and really need help.

It has become apparent that my work is most likely violating labor laws by not having union involvement or a labor agreement in their licensing process. Cannabis industry in California for reference, delivery company that is a small buisness

Workplace condition are getting increasingly worse, and dissatisfaction is at an all time high. It came to my attention that my BFF coworker and I are both completely on board to try to unionize. Other people most likely are too (trade union people, people that have expressed desire to unionize, and people that just fucking hate this job and would love to see any change. It’s looking like the time for the possibility of unionization is fast approaching

I sort of ended up starting to organize things and test the waters with people, but I have NO CLUE WHAT THE FUCK I AM DOING. I need to know what I am doing to organize people ;-;

This is doubly compounded that everything has to be done in secret. They illegally fired the last person who tries to unionize and are currently in a lawsuit with them. We need to be sneaky at this stage to avoid retaliation, we all live paycheck to paycheck in abysmal rental markets. A lost job probably means homelessness. Hence the anonymous ask, I’m paranoid but safe this way :[

I’m coming to you because you seem smart AF, do you have resources? Suggestions? Even vague ideas are helpful. So sorry to dump this on you but I don’t know anyone that knows this stuff in real life

Hey, so if you've followed for a while you'll know I'm based in the UK so I probably don't know enough about the specific labour laws in California to help you. I'd suggest getting in touch with IWW (international workers of the world) - I believe they are pretty good at helping people unionise in the US.

The other thing to remember is presumably they can't fire you all - because then they don't have a business. So if everyone works together and takes action together, then that gives you all some protection. Ideally, you'd agree if one person got fired you'd all strike or similar but I don't know how feasible/legal that is.

However, I have a question for you, anon. Is there a specific reason you need to stay in *this* job? It sounds like nobody really likes the company, and I personally wouldn't want to work for someone who fired someone illegally, both ethically and practically because you don't know what they will do next. If you knew you couldn't unionize and improve things (do bear in mind making real change is a *long* process) then would you stay?

If it were me, I'd support efforts to unionize whilst also looking for another job. I know that might sound selfish or individualistic but hear me out!

A) when you leave, you should be as honest as you can about why you are leaving. This *may* help the people left behind or at least make management think.

B) it sets an example to your coworkers, and makes them realise they could leave too. You could even offer to help them find new jobs if you are able.

C) if this business ends up with no employees they will either fold (good, because they don't deserve to survive if they treat their employees badly) or they will realise they have to improve their practices.

I know moving jobs is super scary, but often the grass really is greener AND it has wider benefits too. And if you're currently employed you can look around for a really good opportunity, not just taking the first thing you are offered.

I'd recommend checking out ask a manager for advice on how to get a new job in the US.

I don't talk about it much on here, but I left my last job because after a year of working as union rep with another great rep, we really were getting nowhere and if anything, things were getting worse. I was honest with people in the union about the fact I was looking and why and in the end a LOT of staff left at the end of the year (enough that students and parents noticed and commented). And I do believe it was a bit of a catalyst for change in some areas, and I hope things will improve for next year.

Now, some people will say I should have stuck it out but the problem is that no union action can make a shitty boss into a good one. And the most powerful thing we can do as workers is to withdraw our labour, including permanently.

If you were saying one specific change would make things better, that's different, btw.

I hope this helps a bit, and please don't take any risks that could cause you to lose your housing.

[thefanficmonster]

I may or may not have just sent the 3 word challenge in my real account instead of anon... I'm sorry. Please don't answer there. :)

When you post, post answering here please.

Again, much love,

📚🌻

Don't worry dear! Your identity shall remain a secret 🥰 Here's yet another fic with my Resident Evil OC: Gwen Winters (she’s an adult guys, don’t worry. However this is still an Older Man/Younger Woman relationship)

The words dear  📚🌻 Anon gave me in their previous ask were: Unruly, endurable and system. Please enjoy!

What happens in the gym....

Pairing: Chris Redfield x Female OC

Warnings: Swearing, Spoiler Free 😊

Genre: Angsty Romance

“Sure, throw me in the fire like you always do, Leon!“ Chris snaps, clenching his fists tightly as he glares at his best friend while the two stand in the dimly lit gym.

“Chris, you’re a BSAA captain, for the love of God! You should know better than to complain about something as little as this!“ Leon, while significantly calmer tone and demeanor-wise, is glaring daggers of his own.

“Why me, damn it?! And why her?!“ Chris is not done with his attempts to get out of the situation Leon’s trying to land him in and his partner’s honestly done with it.

“And why not?! You see the same potential I see, why would it be so hard to train her? She’s a quick learner, she’s disciplined when she wants to be and she’s already skilled to a certain degree. You’ve made soldiers out of total wimps before, why is she such a hassle to you?!“

“Because she’s disciplined when she wants to be and I guarantee she won’t want to when she’s around me. She’s unruly, selfish, arrogant and a Chris-phobe. I’m telling you, she hates me!“

It’s about time Leon’s had enough of this conversation. To be honest, he was done with it as soon as it started but he stayed, thinking he’d be able to change Chris’ mind but seeing as how this is a hopeless case, he’s just been wasting his time. “Does she? Or are you projecting your hate for her onto her?” Slinging his duffel bag containing his training gear over his shoulder, Leon finally makes that realization that these are ten minutes of his life he’ll never get back and storms out of the gym without another word.

Chris doesn’t attempt to stop him, in fact, he’s relieved he left. He sighs, silently hating himself for all the shit he said and how he meant none of it. It was all hard bullshit and he doesn’t know whether to be thankful or disappointed that Leon didn’t realize. Either way, he’s been cleared of possible suspicion, even if training the newest BSAA rookie still remains as his task.

Gwen Winters, she’s such a fucking handful. One cannot tell if it’s because she’s angry with the world, angry with herself or just straight up picked up on the habits of the family that took her in when she was rescued from Raccoon City where she was held as an experiment hamster. A chemistry project basically. Ethan and Mia were recovering from the events back in Louisiana at the time, still probably are, that is not some shit you get over, so they thought having another person in the house would help them. And help Gwen did. See, Gwen isn’t a handful with everyone. In fact, she’s a real sweetheart and Chris knows it too, despite his bogus claims. He knows she’s got a heart and soul of gold and is built with the will of a BSAA soldier already. All she needs is a bit better fighting skills and she’s good to go. 

He sees how she acts with everyone around him. She’s been quick to make friends with Jill and his sister Claire and she’s even got Leon’s liking and trust which is hella hard to get, especially after all the shit with Ada. She’s overall a super sweet and lovely girl, even with him from time to time. He’s seen her welcoming, friendly smiles whenever he stops by the Winters’ home. He’s heard her laugh at the jokes he rarely cracks.

Then why does she act like she hates him so often? And why does he claim he hates her?

Chris is snapped back to reality by the sound of rough impact. It’s a very distinct noise, one he places immediately: the sound of fists hitting a punching bag. It’s the middle of the night, almost midnight actually, and knowing how lazy the soldiers on his team are, he can only assume it’s either his sister or Jill, given that Leon just left. However, they’ve had people sneak in to train for free before, so it’d be for the best if he went to check who was releasing some pent up energy on the poor punching bag. Judging by the intensity of the punches being thrown, sounds like the person might be angry as well.

And they have every right to be. Because they are Gwen.

Chris’ face goes a bit red at the sight of the infuriated rookie giving the punching bag her all, punishing it the way she’d want to do to her superior she just heard call her all the names she hates being referred by.

“Winters I-“

“Unruly?“ Punch “Selfish?” Punch “Arrogant?” Punch

She stills herself, sighing and wiping the droplets of sweat from her forehead with the back of her hand, “You say all that and expect me not to be a Chris-phobe?” She lets out a bitter laugh, rolling her shoulders before continuing her wrath over the piece of equipment she’s threatening to destroy. She hasn’t spared him a single look yet, something he’s rather grateful for because the last thing he wants to see is whatever her gaze is hiding right now. “I’ll talk to Leon.” She says, her voice leveled and breathy, far from the pissed off tone she was just using. This calmness is a lot scarier though. “I’ll tell him I don’t want you to be my trainer. To be perfectly clear, I never wanted you to train me in the first place. I’m just not the type to complain, you know. I’m not picky. Beggers can’t be choosers. I take what I can get. And you were all I was offered, but...” she trails off, delivering a particularly hard punch, “It’s not gonna work. I may not be picky, but I know when to draw the line. I know when I deserve better.”

“Kid, you really have no idea what the case really is here.“ He attempts desperately, taunted by the thought of acting on his instincts and approaching her even if that means being the recipient of one of those hard punches.

“You know, I’m strong. I’m skilled. I can hold my own in a fight quite nicely. I’m endurable. I’m not afraid to work my ass off and sweat and pant like a dog after workouts. There’s not a line I wouldn’t cross, but you still choose to make me feel lesser than any soldier you’ve ever come across, that’s really lovely of you, Captain Redfield.“

“Winters, please...“

“It’s ok, I won’t tell Ethan and Mia. I’m sure they’ll send you to hell over it. I’m not petty like that.“

He’s had enough. He’s had enough of hearing that hurt tone in her voice. He’s done hearing these words she’s so certain are true but aren’t. He’s done lying to her and to himself. Before he can even think twice about it, he grabs her by the arms gently but firmly, turning her to face him despite her hostile attempts to free herself from his hold like a wild animal caught in a trap. He’s surprised when she relaxes, probably seeing that as a quicker way out of the situation rather than struggling though if she tried to free herself any longer he would’ve probably let her go.

“Fucking hell, Gwen, listen to me.“ He looks her dead in the eyes, catching onto the spark of shock created by his use of her first name. But he also sees something else, something that looks dangerously a lot like tears. He knows she won’t cry, especially not in front of him, but knowing that he’s the cause behind the welling of those crystal droplets in her always shiny, always smiling eyes breaks him. When she doesn’t look away nor protest, he continues, “I can’t be your captain. I can’t be your trainer. I can’t be any of that. I’m a strictly professional man, and it’d be highly unprofessional of me to take you in as my soldier.”

“But why?“ She’s fully aware she sounds like a whiny kid - exactly how she thinks he envisions her sometimes - but she couldn’t care less. She wants and needs answers. She knows she won’t be able to fall asleep or keep coming back to the training center if she doesn’t get them.

It’s blatantly clear this is far from easy for Chris. His first instinct is to look away, let go of her, run away like he always does - not that she’d let him do such a thing but still. He’s finds the words impossible to spit out yet he oh so desperately feels the need to get them out of his system. And so, he gathers all the strength within him and finally forces himself to say it.

“Because a captain isn’t supposed to look at a soldier the way I look at you.“

Sure, it sounds cryptic as heck but he has no doubt she’ll catch on. Gwen is a smart and sharp girl, among many other things. She confirms this when barely three seconds after he’s said it, he notices her eyes widening

“Sir, I-“

“Don’t.“ He says simply, a small, regretful smile playing across his lips as his hand slides down her arm to take hold of hers, “I just admitted my dirtiest secret to you and you are still gonna remind me how unprofessional I am by using my title, Kid?“

She purses her lips, the shock momentarily replaced by her signature mild glare, “Well, you just admitted your biggest secret to me and yet you still choose to call me ‘Kid’, huh?”

He chuckles, letting his other hand repeat the movements of the first, “Sorry, force of habit.” His thumbs brush against her knuckles briefly as his head falls, his gaze fixating on where their bodies are connected, “You know, I didn’t tell you this to get myself any pity or anything. I just wanted you to understand and....wanted to get it off my chest. Ethan will kill me if he finds out, won’t he?” He suddenly asks, regaining the courage to look up at her once again.

She giggles, “Who says he’s gonna find out?”

Chris bites the inside of his cheek, shaking his head, “You’re right, there’s nothing really to find out abo-”

Gwen has never been a chatter nor can she tolerate when people beat around the bush so she’s quick to cut them off sometimes, no matter how rude that may seem or sound. However, just to clarify, her chosen method of cutting a person off isn’t always kissing them. Just saying - this is a special situation requiring special methods.

Taken aback by the sudden feeling of her lips on his, Chris’ eyes close automatically but not even a second later he responds to the kiss properly: wrapping his arms around Gwen’s waist as her hands travel up to cup his face. The kiss is short - too short if either of them is to be asked - but it’s worth all the words they didn’t say despite wanting to.

When they pull away, Gwen gives him a mischievous smile, “Now he could find out about that and then shit would go south. That’d suck, wouldn’t it Chris?“

He’s only ever heard her say his name twice, once in passing conversation with Claire and once earlier when she paraphrased his term ‘Chris-phobe’, both time spoken with some dose of dislike he now realizes was a cover-up all along. Turns out the two are a lot more alike than they initially thought. Regardless, hearing her say his name with fondness instead of bitterness makes his heart flutter, his body yearn to have her closer, his lips wanting to be in contact with hers again. But he’s a patient and self-controlled man, he’s nothing if not willpower sculpted in a human body, so he keeps his distance, waiting for her to pick the moves, waiting for her to make the decisions just like she’s his captain.

“Big time.“ He manages to say, voice coarse all of a sudden, barely able to leave his throat. “So it stays here, right?”

She giggles again, bringing her lips within an inch or two away from his, taunting him, threatening to break his self-control, “What happens in the gym stays in the gym, Redfield.”

Golden rules of discretion, ones he mustn’t break ever. Especially not when his captain - Captain Gwen Winters - holds so much power over him.

[bookwyrminspiration]

is it still council-hating hours? even if not, this is something that's been bothering me for....so long. and i am going to explode if i don't say it right now. (In fact i actually have a doc titled "council incompetence rant" that is. getting a little long.)

One of the things that annoys me the most in Keeper is how utterly incompetent the Council is. They are shit at their jobs! They don't make sense! And that would be fine if that was something that was explored and talked about in the story, but it's not?

Like, sure, it's brushed on a little, but Keeper never goes in-depth in order to explain just how flawed and corrupt the system is! We have no idea how far the rot goes because we haven't been given a chance to see how far it goes, and despite the earlier books being really great setup for all kinds of plots and discussions surrounding the Council, it feels like Messenger is completely dropping that in favor of..."Neverseen Bad, Council + Black Swan Good". Which I call fucking bullshit on, by the way, because this series has gone to pretty decent lengths before to show that it's not the case! So WHY are we getting to that now?

Well, I think all of this is the symptom of a bigger problem.

Note: I don't want to be mean, and please tell me if I'm being too critical here, but this series has some serious problems actually delivering on what it's saying.

Like, it's trying to tell us that Sophie shouldn't be doing all this because she's a kid, but then it treats her very own existence as a project as background information when that should absolutely be at the forefront (like it was in earlier books)!

It's trying to tell us that discrimination against the Talentless is bad, but then every single member of it's cast has an ability, has a strong ability, and regularly uses their ability! Even Dex, who could have easily been talentless and good with tech, gets to be a Super Good Gadget Person thanks to his ability as opposed to his own creativity and ingenuity.

It's trying to tell us that maybe banishing children is bad, but also tells us that Exillium is now """fixed""" because Oralie gave them...better tents? Food? And never touches on the fact that children are still. getting. banished. It doesn't explore Tam's anger in detail, Linh is only there to be the token asian girl, it does nothing to fully dispel any thought of the Council being alright.

And it's trying to tell us that the Council fucks up, it's showing us that Councillors have no problem being incredibly selfish and violent and so many other terrible things, but that never changes. Nothing in Keeper is changing. It is only maintaining the status quo!

I'm confused as to what Messenger is trying to tell her readers! Are the Council good or bad? Is working with the Council good or bad? Are the Black Swan and Neverseen actually morally grey? Should I be angry at what's happening in these books? Am I meant to look at all the rot and shrug because "that's just how it is"?

And like...I wouldn't be mad if Keeper was just...bad! I mean, I would, but I wouldn't be as distraught! What really grinds my gears is that Keeper has the chance to be good. It has the chance to do great things - and at times it absolutely does! - but it keeps reinforcing belief in a deeply flawed and broken system that is regularly hurting people. And those examples were just off the top of my head!

And again, if this was explored within the series, that would be amazing, but the problem is that it's...not. And that's just...a real fuckin' shame, honestly.

- pyro

(sorry if this was like...too angry? i started and then kinda just...couldn't stop. i should probably get a hobby that's not tearing a middle grade series apart. oops.)

it may have been over a week since you sent this (thank you for being patient with me!!), but fuck yes it is still council hating hours. it is always council hating hours in this household that is not actually a house. (also that incompetence rant sounds intriguing)

yes! you are right! they are so bad at what they're supposed to be doing it's like they're just figures for people to look to and say "yea they'll take care of it" to keep everyone else from acting out! but it's really interesting to see a government so awful and incompetent be such an integral and influential part of the story...without acknowledging that they're actually really bad? I know in Unlocked there's a line where Shannon says something like "Sophie had to figure out who the bad guys were: the black swan? the council? someone else entirely?" but then it's never touched on again that I can remember. Thinking through the series, I honestly can't think of a situation that the council, of their own volition, saw was an issue and corrected in a way that was beneficial to those who needed it. Like yea, Oralie gave money to Exillium, but that was after Sophie chewed her out about it. I think i've said it before but in case not: it feels like they've taken the "for the good of the many over the good of the few" ideology too far in a society that doesn't work for. If someone threatens the majority (and often that's just in appearance only) they get rid of them to preserve the image of the rest. It doesn't care about their people, it cares about the majority of people feeling undisturbed.

considering Sophie is part of a huge organization created literally because their society, led by that system, isn't working for a lot of people, they (the Black Swan) sure do go along with the council a whole lot. I think one of the linked posts in one of my masterposts is specifically about how making the Black Swan work so closely with the council screwed them over and completely undermined everything they were working towards. I'm going to make a very vague comparison here, but the Black Swan feel like "we need to fix the system" while the Neverseen are "the system is broken lets start over" (except the Neverseen added a lot more violence into the mix). It's absolutely infuriating to have them working side by side: one, because the Black Swan aren't accomplishing any of their goals and should cut their losses and go back to being mysterious underground groups with more freedom to move (in my opinion), but two, because it makes the council seem like it's trying to fix things when really it feels like a publicity thing to make the public think they're addressing the rebel issue while they're really just showing up in places and causing problems. And!! that's another thing! it feels like their collaboration with the Black Swan is to address the problem of having rebels, not the problems these rebels have identified and are trying to fix. Unfortunately, it seems the council is getting their way more than the Black Swan, getting them to act more legally and work closer with less room for working outside the system. if that makes sense.

considering it's literally stated in unlocked that there is no "good" and "bad," there does seem to be a lot of focus on associating the Black Swan with being Right, and the Neverseen with being Wrong. I can hope that it's the outward reactions to the Black Swan realizing they've done some fucked up stuff (Sophie) and are now overcompensating and trying to make sure their every move is the correct one. But I do think it will be interesting to see if Sophie makes the connection in canon (as she's already started to) that there isn't always a right option, there's just the best you can do with a situation and the Black Swan's insistence that she was "in the wrong" (a summary) helps her realize her own values and think through their decisions with her own perspective instead of just trusting them

response to your note: you're fine! you bring up a good point that this book sounds like it wanted to be a unique perspective (by having the "good guys" also be questionable and give the "bad guys" reasonable motives) but the execution misses the mark for a lot of us. so you're qualms and observations are entirely valid and I don't think you're being mean at all! I think you're expressing a frustration you have with something, which I support and encourage.

at times it feels like Shannon bit off more than she could chew in terms of all the complicated things she could get into when it comes to this series. not saying she's doing a bad job or a horrible author or anything, just that there are some things she introduced that kind of get left behind or unexplored because there's so much else going on. I think we can see that in the whole being experiment part of Sophie life. we saw sophie was uncomfortable with it in the first few books and would sometimes bring it up, but I personally would've been more satisfied if she'd either taken the time to process it (opposed to her think about that later strategy) or come to the realization that no, she isn't okay with it and she deserves to have her thoughts on the matter heard. she was literally created to serve someone elses purpose, and brought into the fight too early at that. and yet it's treated like an "oopsie, guess we just gotta go with it" thing, like this minor part of her story when I bet her thinking about it for more than a minute at a time would absolutely wreck her. but I'm getting caught up in this, so moving on!

I think we can see it in the talentless too, as it's treated like a "that doesn't affect me" thing for Sophie. because she doesn't have any friends that are talentless right now--the closest she's got is Marella, who I think is still legally considered talentless with her pyrokinesis. it's been acknowledged that she doesn't think the way talentless are treated is right, but it doesn't impact her right now so she's not really doing anything about it. maybe if this was brought back later with someone like Jensi, then that would be a satisfying conclusion to this issue (not a conclusion, but it wouldn't be left hanging, if that makes sense). And I can understand the benefit of leaving things open to go back and explore later from a writers perspective, but at a certain point it becomes more of a hindrance to the story than anything else.

and exillium! I have so many thoughts on Exillium that I actually started talking about it earlier in this post. They're not doing anything unless prompted and what they do is the bare minimum. With the tents and the food, they aren't fixing Exillium, they're making it into what it should've been at the very least were they going to actually go down that route. So I can't praise them for it when it's just basic decency to provide literal children with food and shelter when you force them to be somewhere they don't want to. But all this doesn't fix Exillium, because the problem is that it exists in the first place. The problem is that the council saw children who were struggling, and decided the best thing to do with them was to just get them out of the way for everyone else. Three coaches total for leadership? yeah, there's no way that place was ever supposed to be "alternate learning" or however Oralie phrased it, that was just so you could say you hadn't completely abandoned them in the middle of nowhere.

you're so right about the council fucks up bit--I think the most obvious example of this is with Sophie's ability restrictor. Yea, she's not wearing it anymore, but that's not because the council changed their minds. It's because she broke the law and the didn't punish her for it. this is a great example of how things keep trying to move forward, but the council isn't doing anything to stay up with it. "they are selfish and violent[...] but that never changes." yes!! this!! you put it so well! the council is still the same old council that we saw in book one, concerned with their own interests and their own views, just trying to mitigate the damage Sophie and her friends are capable of doing to their system. Note: the fact that a handful of teenagers who haven't even graduated can do this much damage might be telling of the structural integrity of their system. Bronte and Terik did a little flip, and Alina replaced the Now Crispy Kenric, but aside from that nothing has changed.

I will say, I personally don't want it to be clear who the good guys and bad guys are. (not saying that's what you're asking for! just piggybacking off your comment on the confusion). I'm glad that the characters make me think and I'm grateful there isn't just the "we're good and they're bad" element you see in other stories. not that that's bad, i just think realistically they'd be more complex and their simplicity grows repetitive after a while. But like I said, at times it feels like there's too much going on for there to be a clear message, which in and of itself could be the message. i could be seeing something where there's nothing, though. I think part of it might be Shannon trying to take on all these complex narratives and perspectives with a limited perspective (as in she only has Sophie to tell the story through), while also needing to make it enjoyable and palletable to a young audience.

and I agree with you! I think it's a lot of the potential we see not being used that makes us so infuriated (or me at least). Because there are some stories yo uread where you're like "ah. it's just one of those stories. cool." and you move past it. Because you know it's going to have a set perspective and you know it's going to accomplish what it wants, but Keeper seems to have so many possibilities and Shannon's getting stuck in this rut of good and bad after so long. maybe we'll get out of it in the next book with sophie thinking the Black Swan was in the wrong, but I also wouldn't be surprised if that Didn't Happen.

it's just like what i was saying about Ro! There's all these opportunities for these characters and this world to be really explored and fleshed out and complex, but we've gotten stuck in this romance drama and loosing fights again and again with little progress. All their actions are undoing the Neverseen's actions and counting it a victory because no one is dead. I just think there could be so much more that we're not getting because the story tried to go too broad when it wasn't ready for it.

this response got very long but in essence: I agree with your assessment of the story. is frustrating to see so many of the details and paths we'd like to see explored that often aren't in fiction just pass us by.

there is a special place for keeper in my heart and I will always appreciate it for that, but I also mourn what it could've been.

(also: you are not too angry! you have genuine thoughts about this series and they deserve to be heard! we are allowed to have complaints, even about the things we like. we don't have to appreciate every single aspect and we're allowed to be mad at the things we don't like.)

[thefreakydeaky]

Can't Get Over You

Chapter Five

Kylo Organa-Solo x Reader

Ben Organa-Solo x Reader

Summary: Reader throws down.

Warnings: Fluff and Angst

Ben had been in a worse than usual mood for weeks. Each time he saw you, his jaw ticked and he got a little crease between his eyebrows. When you saw that, you felt conflicted, but what were you supposed to say? I'm sorry you're in love with me. Please move on? You found it super annoying. Why should you feel conflicted? You weren't the kisser. You were the kissee and while you were incurabley attracted to all three of the Organa-Solo Triplets, you were only in a relationship with Kylo. Plus you were happy and felt secure in that relationship. You would not abide the notion of having feelings for anyone else.

On the night all hell broke loose, Ben was sitting at the table eating pizza, drinking a beer, and staring at you. You were curled up on the sofa, scrolling through Instagram and trying to ignore him when Kylo got home.

Seeing him brought you instant relief.

"Looove!" You called out in greeting. As Kylo sat at the bench in the entry way to remove his shoes, you set your phone aside and got up.

"Hey." He sounded tired.

You waited beside him.Your arms were around him in a hug as soon as he stood.

"You're home." You grinned.

He cocked an eyebrow at you.

"I missed you." You explained.

He took your face in his large hands and kissed you gently, a sweet meeting of lips.

"I missed you too."

"Are you hungry? I made chicken and mashed potatoes."

He nodded.

You went to the kitchen and served him a plate. You warmed it up in the microwave as Kylo got himself something to drink.

He took the plate gratefully when you handed it to him and went to sit down in the living room.

While he ate you began to put away the left over food and clean up the dishes you had used. Then you went back to the living room to watch tv.

You cuddled up to Kylo, resting against his side, his arm over your shoulders. You weren't paying much attention to what was on. You were busy enjoying having Kylo there with you, enjoying how safe you felt in his arms. You looked up at his profile as he watched the show. You had never felt such affection for a person as you did for him. You probably never would again. You cuddled even closer. He chuckled gazing at you fondly.

"What is up with you today, Kitten?"

You shrugged.

"I just love you so much. That's all."

He smirked at you.

"I love you too."

You grinned. He had finally said it. You basked in the tender feeling. He loved you.

Ben snorted.

You had forgotten he was there.

"You two are so fucking ridiculous. How can you say you love her when you don't know her?"

Kylo frowned.

"It's true. You know it's true. You aren't yourself around him."

"I am more comfortable being myself with Kylo than I have ever been with anyone else." You proclaimed.

"Bullshit!"

"What makes you think I don't know her?" There was genuine curiosity in Kylo's voice.

You tried not to be offended, but the fact that he believed Ben over you stung.

"Because the real Y/n is-is selfish, pretentious, and passionate. This," He gestured in your direction, "isn't her. It's fake. It's total bullshit!"

You felt Kylo's body become tense as he sat up.

"You aren't telling me anything I don't already know. What is your point?"

Ben rose from his seat. His furious gaze turned to you.

"Kylo isn't any better."

Your brow furrowed.

"He got bored of his last girlfriend. It will be the same with you. He'll get sick of you and then what are you gonna do, huh?"

One second you were on the sofa and in the next you were on your feet intent on smacking him across the face.

"Fuck you!"You hissed.

Kylo reached you just in time to hold you back.

"See? What did I tell you?" Ben sneared. His eyes shiney with gloating.

Kylo wrapped his arms around you trapping yours to your chest.

"Let go of me! Let go!!" You demanded struggling against his hold, but it did no good. Kylo was much stronger than you.

"For a second there," He told Ben, "I almost believed you had my best interest at heart."

Ben looked down at the floor in shame. Without another word he walked away. You heard him slam the door to his bedroom behind him.

Part 6

[painted-crow]

hey so i'm looking to figure my sorting out. i'm p sure of my secondary but honestly i've gone in circles so many times that i'd believe anything lmao

so i guess to start like. i'm fairly sure i'm an idealist, but with a twist. i care about making the world a better place-- i'm kinda infamous among my friends for being a little TOO outspoken about my opinions. on a small scale, i have strong opinions about a lot of things, but on a larger scale... idk. i don't think any one person can know what an ideal world looks like cause there really is no such thing. there are literally countless variables when it comes to implementing even small systems, countless ways to fuck it up, so i don't think i'd be choosing some grand ideal over the people i love anytime soon.

that being said, i think my idealist streak gets directed into something else most of the time. i'm very focused on understanding myself to a fault. i want to know why i do the things i do, why i believe certain things over others. when it comes to my beliefs about the world, they're strong but take it or leave it, but when it comes to myself they are not a good idea to push. i've ended relationships over not feeling like myself with them or feeling like i'm losing myself or they're pushing me to be someone i'm not. i make strong instant decisions about what the "right" thing to do is when it comes to how it impacts my perception of myself, especially with intimate relationships (i'm a lot less impulsive with things like friends and things i'm less personally involved in). i NEED to know who i am, way more than i care about any one specific person or thing. obviously i love people very deeply and would do just about anything to have both, but if i don't know who i am, if i'm not true to myself, then i have nothing. losing people happens.

the issue is, because i'm prone to doing that and not thinking as much about how it'll impact people, i've been called selfish a lot over my lifetime. recently i've started thinking more about how my actions impact people and their feelings, and i'm feeling a lot more torn. i want to do what i want to do, what i feel is best, but i feel immature for doing it a lot. i've started worrying a lot about being a bad person and hurting people, and i've been thinking about how the "right" way to be is. i went through a phase where i was repressing myself to make the "moral" choice, but i just felt so flat. ultimately i realized that it doesn't really matter how good i am if i have to repress myself to get there, cause then all it is is performance. tldr is i feel super guilty for making "selfish" choices rn, especially as i've gotten more aware of other peoples' feelings.

what i think is probably going on is that i'm an idealist primary with a badger model, but i'm not sure between lion and bird, and i'm still open to badger. pretty sure i'm not a snake.

the section on my secondary's gonna be a lot shorter, sorry this got so long! so i'm p sure i'm a badger secondary. considered lion and snake secondary too. whatever i am, i have a p loud lion model over it. i've always had a gift for making people trust me, for acting. i kinda blend in and become what i need to to both help them and get them off my back so i can do what i need to do. i have a serious passion for helping people with tough love (i like to think of myself as a p good advice giver, since i can both tell people what they need to hear and really get in their shoes and be kind where other people might not). i think i judge myself the least when i can kinda toe that line between pushing boundaries and stepping back-- i track where peoples' boundaries are constantly so i can push them to the limit without stepping over them. i'm very fluid when it comes to presentation in reality, even though i think people actually think of me as kinda controversial. i tend to see people who are ACTUALLY overstepping boundaries as lowkey selfish at times, even though i also really respect them. i like to do things the "right" way as long as i give a shit about them. the catch is, i don't want to blend into the background, and i don't think i do. a partner of mine called me a fox cause he noticed the way i constantly toe that line where i can get people to notice me and still keep them off my back, still make them comfortable. i'm also NOT a planner. people constantly give me shit for only ever feeling things out in the moment, and honestly thinking about the future freaks me out. i don't want to plan how i do shit i'd rather just get in the zone and figure it out from there. tldr i'm pretty sure i'm a badger secondary? but i could be convinced of snake. definitely see elements of both but my gut's telling me badger so take that how you will

anyway! thank you so much for taking the time to answer this, i know it's a lot.

also sorry one thing i forgot to add about my secondary! i think my lion model got so loud because when i do the shifty presentation thing, i have a tendency to lose myself and start perceiving myself as whatever i'm presenting. it's made it really hard to figure out who i actually am and so i started just being as clear about it as possible.

for my primary, i really care a lot about being right. i try to take every side into consideration to make sure i get the best conclusion. i can be super stubborn when it comes to certain things, but i don't want to just... hold to perceptions that are wrong. that being said it's important to me to trust my gut and i take it as a big input. i'm very felt out for most things, don't really have a strong system of how to be. i really wanna be able to trust myself but i just don't. i have a big habit of relying on other people to tell me what to think, which is uh. yeah.

Primary

You're a Bird primary with a Lion model, and you're trying on some Badger ideals. That's one of the easier Sorts I've done, lol! Possibly because your primary and models actually House match mine :p

Your reasoning process screams Bird xD and so does your writing style and just the length of the ask. Birds love self-analysis, it's part of how we make sure our systems stay as close to true as we can make them.

You've got some Lion too, but it's a model. It sounds like your Lion and your Bird have come into conflict before, and like most Birds with Lion models, it bugs the snot out of you when your Lion's intuition (which is important data!) doesn't line up with what your Bird knows.

You've prioritized Bird's conclusions before, but (as with many Birds) you don't entirely trust your own system and you're wondering if your Lion might have been right and you should give its reasoning more weight.

Also, you're consciously deciding that maybe Badgers' way of doing things is more moral than yours, and you're pulling in some of those ideals. That doesn't make you a Badger primary. Birds are notorious for this kind of thing actually 😂

The line between whether some ideals you've pulled into your Bird system vs. what counts as a model is fuzzy. It's up to you really, how important those pieces of Badger are to you.

For me, I think the line might be--is it wired into your sense of self on its own, or does it get filtered through your Bird and Lion? It really sounds like your Lion is a strong part of your sense of self: if you ignore its advice, you feel not totally like yourself. You don't have to feel all your models equally strongly, but thinking of it that way might help.

(It's also hard because Birds often feel like they kind of are their systems, or they are their ability to reason, that's a core part of their identity. ...It's complicated.)

Secondary

You sound really really Snakey. I'm not sure where you're getting Badger, actually!

Badgers are more than the mirroring ability. They also bury themselves in work or community, and it can sometimes look like they're neck deep in so many responsibilities that they couldn't possibly handle any more problems--and then they do have a problem, they do need something, and they stand up and all that stuff they were buried in turns out to be armor and tools.

Snakes, otoh, are improvisational and tend to be very aware of their surroundings. Unlike Badgers, the Snake brand of social shapeshifting involves a lot of keeping track of other people's reactions to what they're doing--trying something and then watching the response, then adjusting, rinse and repeat. You turn yourself into exactly the right person for this situation.

Badger mirroring is usually simpler. You reflect the other person's energy back at them: it's an empathetic response that says we're alike, I accept you, you're safe. A lot of Badgers do this without thinking--it can be hard to turn off.

Snakes also don't go in for prep work as much, it tends to trip them up (Snakes with Badger or Bird models notwithstanding). They're Improvisational secondaries, unlike Bird and Badger which are Built and rely heavily on some form of preparation.

The Lion model sounds legit, but just check for yourself: you might be learning to use Snake's neutral state. Snakes will sometimes drop all their layers of acting and maneuvering and suddenly they're just themselves. Different Snakes have different relationships with neutral state. For some Snakes, it's a relief to drop the mask; for others, it feels vulnerable and they only trust certain people with their full authenticity.

It does sound like you really admire Lion secondaries, though, so you might indeed have a model there! This is just something else you could check on.

Hope that helps!

- Paint

[clumsyclifford]

#96 you choose the pairing I'm ready to be soft over anyone

ok i promise after this ill go back to writing malum and lashton more regularly but we were already in so deep with mashton so here.......is this

-

Michael wakes up at six, to the coldness of a half-empty bed, and Ashton tugging on his jeans.

"Ash," Michael whines softly, even though he knows this is protocol. This is the deal, and Michael knows it has to be this, but he doesn't have to like it.

Ashton shushes him. "I'm sorry," he says, and sounds like he is.

"Can't you stay a little longer?" Michael reaches groggily for Ashton. "Five minutes. Come on."

"Mike," Ashton says, in that familiar you know I can't tone of voice. "You know I can't."

Michael does know. He knows Ashton's mum would ask questions if she found his bed empty in the morning, and questions would mean answers, and Ashton wouldn't have any truthful ones, because his mum doesn't even know he's gay, and anyway he's not supposed to be sneaking out — and Michael knows it's all for him, and he should feel grateful, and should feel lucky, which he does, but mostly he just feels sad. He wants Ashton to stay.

He knows it's selfish, and doesn't even care.

"I know," he says unhappily. "I'm sorry."

Ashton smiles at him, apologetic. "If I could stay, I would." He pulls his shirt over his head and leans over Michael for a kiss. Michael savors it until it ends, and then pouts as Ashton tugs the window open and climbs out. It's all very coming-of-age film, but Michael wishes they could skip to the ending, where Ashton's mum finds out and gives him her blessing to, like, move in with Michael so they can just sleep in the same bed every night and make out until they fall asleep.

As the window slides shut and Ashton disappears from outside of it, Michael closes his eyes, hugging the extra pillow in his bed to his chest. It's not the same as Ashton, who's sturdy and warm, but Michael falls back asleep all the same, buzzing from the parting kiss.

-

Michael could probably have a cool countdown moment to the knock on his window if he weren't too busy playing Fifa.

As soon as the knock does come, though, he ends the game and hurries over to open it. Ashton is outside, and before he can even speak Michael leans in and kisses him hard, almost daring Ashton to pull back. But Ashton just kisses him back, purposeful and direct, with the heat that Michael misses every hour he doesn't spend with Ashton.

Finally they part, and Ashton says, "Can I come in, Juliet?"

Michael steps back to admit Ashton, and Ashton pulls the window closed behind him. "Is everything okay?" Ashton asks. Michael doesn't answer, so Ashton holds out his arms, and Michael sags against him, weak in his embrace, and confident that Ashton won't let him fall.

"Tiring day," he mumbles. "I missed you. You weren't at school."

"Yeah, sorry," Ashton says. "I had to watch my siblings."

Michael doesn't ask why it's Ashton's job to watch his siblings. He already knows, and immediately feels badly for being so whiny. Here Ashton is, literally raising his brother and sister, and Michael's complaining about — what, exactly?

"No, no," he says. "Fuck. Sorry. Don't apologize. It's okay. I mean, it's not okay that you have to do that, but it's — you don't have to be sorry."

"Well, if it's any consolation, I missed you too." Ashton presses a gentle kiss against Michael's temple, and Michael tilts his head, a silent encouragement to continue. 

"You smell nice," he says, as Ashton kisses his way down Michael's face and jaw. Michael pulls back enough to meet Ashton's eyes finally, and Ashton kisses him once on the mouth, so soft that Michael could melt in his arms.

"Thanks," he says. "I showered."

"Wow," Michael says. "For me? You shouldn't have."

"No, for my other super hot secret boyfriend. I'm going to see him when I leave in the morning."

"Well, by then you won't smell nice anymore," Michael reasons, tugging Ashton towards the bed with a crooked smile. "You'll just smell like me. And sex."

"I think you smell nice," Ashton says, affronted. "And I'm pretty sure sex is what, like, most perfume companies are selling."

Michael rolls his eyes. "I'm propositioning you," he says.

"I know that," Ashton says. Michael hates him.

"I wish you could stay," he says mournfully.

Ashton pushes lightly against Michael's chest, and Michael falls into his bed, bracketing Ashton with his legs.

"Stop thinking so much," Ashton says. "I'm here now."

"And yet here I am, still wearing all of my clothes."

Ashton shakes his head, immeasurably fond, and dips his head down to kiss Michael. "You're difficult," he says against Michael's mouth. 

"You love it."

Ashton doesn't reply, just kisses him harder with a little more fire, and Michael decides he can stop thinking ahead for a little while. Ashton will fall asleep with him; Ashton risks his freedom to come kiss him goodnight. Michael's not going to ruin these spare hours with pesky thoughts of the future. He's got Ashton now.

One day he'll have Ashton forever, but right now Ashton is here, kissing him, wandering hands on Michael, and it's enough.

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

i am very much enjoying my vague void! it's currently blasting hozier at full volume and that's almost louder than my internal screaming (don't worry, everything is fine, i just saw a spider)

i've never once in my life have followed a recipe correctly. all of my measurements are completely random and whatever happens happens. it is no longer in my hands. whatever eldritch entities exist take the wheel. and i absolutely refuse to spell anything in english without autocorrect because y'all have way too many double letters and random vowel placement

thank you! sadly, i won't have a break right now, because we just had christmas vacations, but the start of the new semester is always pretty chill. and you're absolutely right, i should take up necromancy! the snow and the cold will add to my mysterious vibes. i just need to get a big black cape with a hood to complete the aesthetic

i definitely picture everything above 5'6 feet as the same height. 5'7 and 6'2? the exact same thing. no difference here

how is morepork a real bird name. it's just... more pork? but the bird is magnificent. i completely approve of your first order as bird queen, not that you need approval from mere peasants like me, but it's a great order. ohhh salps look really cool, and it does look a lot like it! when you said boob implant i thought of mermaids and them using salps as boob implants but then i realised wait wouldn't jellyfish be better for that? because of their shape? ignoring their little leggies they're quite boob shaped, no? and then i realised that i was thinking about mermaids and alive boob implants... if i had to think it, you have to read it. i'm sorry

i was sold before but now i'm even more sure that i want to hire you. and I'll make sure to have lactose free cheese for the backflips (unless you want the lactose version? i'm not judging). will the biting of ankles cost extra?

that sounds like a brilliant set-up for a horror movie where they kill off all the children one by one. it's absolutely horrifying. if something like that would've happened to me i would've most likely just passed out. whatever happens afterwards is not my problem. and now i really don't want to know what the hell your leg was caught on because that seems like knowledge that would get me killed

ah so you're a fellow dirt eater? according to my mom my favourite thing to do outside when i was a little kid used to be eating sand. just shovelling handfuls of it into my mouth and crying when my mom made me spit it out. which i refuse to believe. if there are no photos it didn't happen

you warm climate people are starting to make me think that i'm better adjusted to the cold than i thought i am! it's either that or our buildings are better heated. i definitely don't know if anyone else calls hot water bottled hotties but i like it so from now on i'm using it

that's so cute! i was clearly a way more selfish child because when i found any amount of money i just kept it and bought candy as soon as i could. i clearly couldn't save money then and i can't now. we have stores like that (or i'm assuming that they're like that solely based on how they sell lollies) and they used to be my favourite thing because you could get so many lollies for such a small price!! and my mom even used to let me order for myself sometimes so i always felt like a very big girl jsjshsbsjk

also the fact that i can't send pictures on anon is a crime (yes i know why and it's good that that's not possible because can you imagine anons being able to send pictures? oh no is all i have to say about it) but anyways. because i have this one super cursed photo that reminded me of you and now i can't share it :((

duuuuude, sick void bro. sounds like a vibing void. I feel like I haven’t seen a spider in awhile. Other than daddy long legs. But they’re chill. They mind their own business. 

I nearly always follow recipes exactly. My mum is like oh cook this for about 7 minutes? Yeah sure. I’ll take a wild guess. I’m like they say exactly 7 minutes so I’ll set a timer for 7 minutes and start a stopwatch so if it does seem to need more than 7 I can keep an eye on the extra time and be aware of exactly how long it takes me for next time. Other people are like oh let's see I have [lists 5-10 things in their fridge], hmm...oh I know what I could make with that! I’m like I have beans in my freezer because one recipe required them and no other recipes I know how to make do so what am I supposed to do with these now,,, this is stressful,,, basically I barely know how to cook and recipes are the only things saving me in that area. That is entirely fair. Except for the fuck duck, and murder is not the word you want surely, situations, it’s pretty helpful.

Ohhh I see. At least the start is chill! For a little! Before your entire situation spirals out of hand and you’re behind in every class and it’s taken you a whole day to read 10 pages and you’re exhausted and it’s only week 2. Just me? ok. fair. anyway. I want a cloak so bad. One of my uni friends tempted me to class because she said she was wearing a cloak so my depressed ass honest to god dragged myself out of bed and to said class just to see it. It was worth it. They’re incredible. Everyone should own a big cloak for the aesthetic.

I’m glad it isn’t just me hahaha. I can visualise my own height in feet but everything else is just the same size that is a vague amount taller than me, mentally.

It’s also known as the ruru. But the name morepork amuses me. It’s named after the call it makes haha. It does sound like it’s asking for more pork if you know to listen for that. thank u for ur approval, it means a lot, turns out becoming bird queen didn’t ACTUALLY get rid of my anxiety disorder weirdly enough so validation is great! lmaooo. What if the jellyfish stung them tho? At least salps wouldn’t do you dirty like that. The mermaids would just look like there are hundreds of bugs crawling around in their boobs, flesh shifting as they float around. Which is a vibe. If you’re into that. Jellyfish WOULD make a more solid, single, implant, some of them are definitely boob shaped. But that’s kinda boring no one’s gonna be traumatised by that. Salps on the other hand...yeah, that sight will DEFINITELY traumatise someone.

To be PERFECTLY honest I haven’t done a backflip in years but for lactose-free cheese? Dude. I’ll be going back to training. Gonna be the best backflip you’ve ever seen. As long as it’s not Tasty cheese I am content, but lactose free IS better. The biting of ankles will not cost extra, it is a pleasure to be allowed to do that.

Oh it absolutely would be. It’d be very funny if it reached the wider world bc people would probably be like ok but who would send kids into the bush like that,, it’s an odd concept. meanwhile everyone who grew up in nz is gonna be like y’all, you’re not gonna fuckin BELIEVE what i experienced growing up, it’s real dude. On one hand, I feel like murdering kids in a movie is questionable, on the other hand, It exists, so maybe people would be down for it. I feel like it’d be a good concept even if it wasn’t murdery tho. Like psychological horror? I’m not sure if I’m using that category correctly I don’t watch much horror. A kid following the rope but then being shifted into a different horror dimension but they never take the blindfold off because their teachers said not to and they’d probably have to let go of the rope to do it...I feel like this could work super well as a short film. The viewers see everything. The child just knows something is off and no one is coming when they call for help. I am so down for this. I also do not want to know what my leg was caught on. Some things I am better off not knowing.

yes! I am a fellow dirt eater! We had a sandpit at home (that’s a little bold. It was a large plastic shell that my parents filled with sand. technically a sandpit. but not fancy sdflsdkfsdf) but I don’t think I ever tried to eat it. Then again, I possibly did and just don’t remember because there’s no photo evidence of that one. I’d have to ask my parents sdfhsjdfs, I would however fully believe them if they said yes. it’s very characteristic of me. I don’t doubt it for a second. muuuum that’s my emotional support sand don’t make me spit it out smh the disrespect these days.

Oh I’m absolutely terrible even by most people’s standards around here when it comes to cold and hot temperatures. I remember sitting in the sun in my school shirt and school jersey in summer on a blazing day like it’s a bit chilly, isn’t it? Meanwhile my friends were in the shade absolutely dying from the heat. Likewise in winter I’d be shivering, teeth chattering, dying with my long sleeve thermal, my school shirt, my school jersey, my school jacket, my longs, warm socks and sneakers and gloves and school scarf while ppl would be walking around in a shirt and shorts like it’s a bit warm this winter huh? my body didn’t learn how to thermoregulate and it shows. But yeah NZ does also have a reputation for shittily insulated buildings and such. It shows. skhdfsfs if it’s not common use maybe don’t say can i have a hotty to someone without context but otherwise go ahead lmao. it’s a fun shortened version.

I was typically a very good saver, to the point where my extended family started gifting me gift cards and vouchers for Christmas and my birthday because if they just gave me money I’d put it in my bank account to save towards uni once I hit like, 12 years old. Which I think was a smart move. But apparently, I’m supposed to buy myself ‘something nice’ with it. I think I’m still an okay saver but I’m not as strict anymore. I’m aware of how much I can spare and I’m not just like you can never get anything for yourself ever, so I do get lil things for myself sometimes. oooo yay! At least you know what I mean. But yes. They were the gold mine for lollies. Absolutely terrific stores. My mum would be like hey lindsey how about you order? And I’d be like mother, I am 7 years old and I have an undiagnosed anxiety disorder everyone assumes is child shyness why would you think I would want to do that. Instead I will whisper my choices to you. After therapy tho I felt pretty rad for picking my own lollies by myself. I was like 13 at that point but sdfkjhsdf listen I got there in the end.

sdfkjsdfkjhsdf I like that a cursed photo reminded you of me. That’s all I need to hear. Tumblr said no anon dick pics but they also said no anon cursed photos either,,, very sad. for the latter part. the first part thank god. If I could turn on photos on anon I absolutely would just to see this but I don’t think I can :(

[punkscowardschampions]

Jac & Amelia

Jac: Hi, sorry if this wasn't the right way to go about this, but I thought it would be more awkward/worse for you to stop the conversation if I approached you in person Jac: but if you're open to it, I'd like to talk Amelia: What is there to say? Jac: From my perspective, a lot Jac: but mainly an apology, if that's all I get to say Amelia: I already know you're sorry, it's been all over for ages, I don't need to hear it Jac: Well you don't know that, I never said it Amelia: you've never said a lot of things, I'm still well aware Jac: That's how miscommunication and misunderstanding happens Jac: you can still not need or want to hear it but you don't know anything that I didn't tell you Amelia: okay Jac: I can confirm any ideas you have, if you would like Jac: but the main reason I want to talk is to apologize for the ways I behaved, and treated you Amelia: well, say whatever you want to say then Jac: Alright Jac: I should never have started anything with you Jac: it was never fair Jac: and continuing it for how long I did was worse Amelia: No you shouldn't, neither should I Jac: I can see how it was harder for you to make a better decision though Jac: given your feelings Amelia: that's no excuse, and I'm not interested in giving myself an out Amelia: I should've made better choices because of how much I cared about you, it's worse if anything Jac: Okay, you don't have to, but I certainly don't hold it against you Jac: you were still coming from a place of care, even if misguided, I wasn't Amelia: it's not comforting Amelia: I was coming from a selfish place, I know that, whatever you think Jac: Alright, it doesn't need to be comforting, I'm just letting you know Jac: there's no need or reason that I feel for me to blame you Jac: but I need to say sorry, for that, and for how we ended things before that Amelia: No you don't, because I'm not just a fucking lose end for you to tie up before you leave Jac: That isn't what it is Jac: I owe apologies Amelia: you don't owe me anything Amelia: we ended things ages ago Jac: that doesn't mean anything Jac: I still wronged you and never owned up to those things Amelia: it means getting into it isn't something I want to do because I've tried really hard to get over it Jac: Then we don't have to Amelia: I'm looking forward, not backwards Amelia: and there isn't an apology I can give you that'll make anything I did okay or me feel okay about it either Jac: I'm not looking for an apology or anything in return Amelia: you should Amelia: because I wronged you too and never owned up to it Jac: I don't see it like that, it didn't feel like that Amelia: okay Jac: if it would help, then I'd accept it, but you've said it won't make you feel better so really, don't worry Amelia: right Jac: So, if my apology doesn't serve you either Jac: I'll leave you alone again now Amelia: you said you need to do it, so just do it, if it's that important to you Jac: only if it's going to reassure people, or give some sense of closure Jac: the latter being more what I was aiming for Jac: it's not going to be anything for me if it isn't for you Amelia: I'll get closure by not having to see you any more Jac: Neither of us is going to gone forever Jac: it'll certainly be easier, and less frequent Jac: but I'm not going to say you'll never see me again, that's just unrealistic Amelia: there's at least higher chance Amelia: my mum keeps me super busy with all her holiday traditions Jac: Fair enough Jac: I'd rather not be concerned about having to avoid anyone when I'm here Amelia: you'll be busy avoiding all of Jess' fan's and stalkers Amelia: I like his music, but not to that level Jac: That's fine, I can deal with that Amelia: good, he's worried about how it's gonna be for you all Jac: You don't need to tell me about my own brother Amelia: you don't need to get defensive about it Jac: I just don't need to talk about that with you Jac: it's not got anything to do with what needs to be said, if at all Amelia: we're not, we're basically done talking really Jac: If you like Amelia: I'd have liked for this conversation never to have been started but you know Jac: I can't do anything about that, I'm afraid Jac: Good luck and goodbye then Amelia: yeah, you too Jac: Thank you, I appreciate that Amelia: I'd never wish you bad luck Jac: Never said you would Amelia: I'm not a 🔮💎💫 gay, still don't even know that much about astrology Jac: Whoever you are, as long as you're happy with that Jac: it's certainly no business of mine Amelia: 😂 no and no Jac: I'm sorry to hear that on the former Amelia: maybe uni will fix everything, maybe not Jac: A fresh start in a new place can't hurt you Jac: and I'm sure you have other protections in place Amelia: 🤞 I won't be so dramatic Amelia: then it can't be as bad as here Jac: It's a change of scenery not a change of personality Amelia: rude Jac: I didn't mean it to be Amelia: it's a chance to grow up, I'm not 15 anymore and nobody there will have known me when I was Jac: That much is true Amelia: I'd say I'll see you around but if I do, I'll obviously act like I haven't Amelia: that's been working Jac: Whatever works for you Amelia: 👋 Jac: I'll be seeing you Amelia: no, you won't 👻 Jac: I didn't say I'd pretend or adopt the same methods you use Amelia: I can't make you Jac: No Jac: I've got no interest in burying my head in the sand Amelia: because you already did it for so long Jac: because I'm moving forward, not just looking Amelia: that's great Jac: It does feel it Amelia: good, you've felt like shit for long enough as well Jac: I guess so Amelia: okay then Jac: If that's all Jac: Bye Amelia Amelia: we still need a different word for it but yeah, bye Jac: Does it really matter? Amelia: doesn't it? that this time we actually mean it but it sounds exactly the same as the times we didn't Jac: There's nothing final implied by any goodbye Jac: it's just a way to end a conversation you don't want to have Amelia: but this time there should be Amelia: very anticlimactic Jac: I don't mean to be rude again but that really is your problem too, loquaciously and otherwise Jac: I'm not attempting dramatics Jac: I opened lines of conversation, you closed them, that's all this is Amelia: I'm attempting levity, if anything Amelia: but alright Jac: Why? Amelia: because you sound like you're giving a rehearsed speech Jac: just because I've put thought into what I'm going to say, doesn't mean it's any less valid Amelia: I didn't say it was invalid Jac: you're invalidating it Amelia: no more than you comparing me to an ostrich Jac: We're at very different places, clearly Amelia: you think you're so far ahead of me, clearly Jac: You're presenting me with avoidance as coping Jac: I'm not gonna say good luck with that, or good for you Jac: you can do whatever you like but I won't pretend I think it's brilliant Amelia: you're presenting me with patronising bullshit over any kind of real conversation Jac: I gave you the opportunity to air your grievances, you didn't want to Jac: I offered apologies, you did not want them either Amelia: I don't know if I'll ever be able to see you and not want to walk immediately off in the other direction, I don't need your judgment for it Jac: I'm not judging you, I'm not applauding or enabling, that's all Jac: I was never asking to be back in your life Amelia: you're asking me to accept your apology as if that will paper over every fucking crack and then we can just see each other out and about as strangers Jac: You don't have to, I was literally just trying to apologize and then see where you were at Jac: and I have Amelia: you've ❌ my name off your list Amelia: that's literally all this is to you Jac: Don't presume to know that Amelia: you're just going to walk away from this conversation with your closure and into your new life as a better person Jac: Well no I'm not, because you haven't given me that or accepted my apology Jac: just because I'm handling that rejection in a more measured, calm way, doesn't mean I feel any better than you, thank you Amelia: well take it, then you can continue to feel superior as much as you like Jac: I don't feel superior to you, I haven't said that once Jac: I'm sorry for whatever is making you feel that way Amelia: it's just your tone then, okay great Jac: If you're gonna tone police, then you will probably come up against much more resistance than I'm giving Jac: You feel bad about yourself, and I am sorry for how much I undoubtedly played into that Amelia: I feel bad because things are bad, and I don't have your certainty that a new place is just going to sort that out Jac: That must be hard for you Amelia: give me whatever other apologies you've got left to get this over with Jac: I really hope life improves for you Jac: it's sad to see Amelia: me too, obviously Jac: You should really talk to someone, if you aren't Amelia: I don't need to be told what to do, the uncertainty isn't total Jac: Simply a suggestion Amelia: my parents made it way before you Jac: I'm glad Jac: how's it going? Amelia: I'm not going to talk about it with you Jac: Okay Amelia: okay Jac: Enjoy the rest of your summer Amelia: you too Jac: 😄 Amelia: it can't all be apologies, you'll have to run out eventually Jac: What do you mean? Amelia: there's not an unending number of 💔 people Jac: Yes, but I don't really get what your point is? Amelia: take a break to take your own advice and enjoy the ☀🌳🌼 Jac: Of course Jac: it's not the only thing I have to do Jac: I'm plenty busy Amelia: undoubtedly Jac: sweet of you though Amelia: everyone will be thrilled I still have it in me Jac: I'm sure they all already know Amelia: based on what evidence Jac: You didn't disown all your new friends and stop talking to your family, did you? Jac: No, that was me Amelia: I don't have any friends so my family are the only people I have to talk to Jac: you clearly talk to my brother Jac: and, your family, so case in point x2 remains Amelia: I try not to x 2 Amelia: and I'm hardly sweet when I do, so no, my point remains there's no basis for that Jac: if you weren't capable of being sweet, it wouldn't be a try for not talking to them Jac: but sure Amelia: I'm capable of being selfish, like I said Jac: I'm aware Amelia: I need them, let's not act like any of what I'm saying is for their benefit Jac: Admitting you need people makes them feel good by default Jac: you could've convinced them that you didn't Jac: and that they're not allowed to need you Amelia: clearly I'm not capable of that Jac: it's not a bad thing Amelia: the ✔ or ❌ next to it is kind of irrelevant because it's what's happened anyway Jac: it's about how you feel about it Jac: I don't know why you're trying to convince yourself you were as bad as me Amelia: I don't know why you're trying to 😇 me Jac: Hardly Jac: there's just zero point being unrealistic about it now Amelia: exactly Jac: You were an awful friend to me Jac: and you stopped even that when I could have really used one Jac: that doesn't invalidate what I'm trying to apologise for Jac: and the fact that I took advantage of you and used you Amelia: I told you I don't want it Jac: No one is sainting you, is my point Jac: I really don't like you, at all Jac: that doesn't mean I didn't do wrong, that's the situation Amelia: I know you did, that's why I don't need it spelled out Jac: I'm not spelling it out Jac: I apologized, you didn't accept it Jac: now that's on you Jac: I've done my part Amelia: you're literally spelling that out Amelia: like I don't know what's happening Jac: you clearly are confused Jac: you've said completely the opposite of what I've said to you several times Jac: and I'm not interested in participating in that misunderstanding any longer Amelia: okay Jac: right, thank you Amelia: I accept your apology, you can go Jac: I'm not an idiot Jac: don't lie Jac: I'll still be able to move on without it Amelia: I'm not lying, I get that you're sorry and why Jac: No, the more I think about it, the more I don't want to do this Jac: don't bother Amelia: fine Jac: because an apology should be mutual, to work Jac: and I truly do not forgive you Jac: you actually talking to me again has only reminded me Jac: I'm sorry for contacting you, that was a mistake Amelia: it's alright, like I said, I get what you were trying to do Jac: there's no point pretending Amelia: no there isn't, what I did to you was horrific, don't forgive me Jac: there's windows of opportunity, sometimes Jac: and you had plenty of time Amelia: time doesn't heal everything Jac: and you prioritized yourself and your healing over me and the fact you've failed to do so Jac: yeah, that really disgusts me Jac: I can't help that, not yet Jac: I don't know when Amelia: I prioritised myself, I wasn't doing any healing, distraction isn't the same thing Jac: I don't even know if I'm able to forgive that Jac: but that's a me problem Jac: I can't care about you anymore, in any way, you walked out on me near a year ago, I need to do the same now Amelia: yeah you do Jac: fucking hell Jac: right Amelia: there's nothing else to say, I'm glad you're doing better but all I really did was throw myself into school Jac: there is so much more to say Jac: but you've made it clear how you feel Amelia: so have you Amelia: walk away, the last thing I want is any of this bullshit Jac: you've heard what you want, as per usual Jac: heaven forbid you have to deal with anything uncomfortable for you Amelia: fuck's sake Jac: because I really wanted to do this, you're right, it was all about me and how great this would make me feel Amelia: okay, it's not a walk in the park for you either Jac: how dare I try Amelia: I'm stubborn, not stupid Jac: so I'm not trying, yeah? Amelia: of course you fucking are Jac: and your solution is to not, ever Amelia: with you there isn't any solution Jac: fine Amelia: I treated you like shit, it doesn't matter how sorry I am or how hard I want to try Jac: Yes, it does Jac: it would Jac: that's such an excuse Amelia: no it's not, I am sorry but that doesn't and won't change anything Jac: you aren't sorry enough to do anything about it Jac: that's what you mean Jac: and like I said, fine Amelia: if there was anything I could Amelia: then I obviously would Jac: Okay, Amelia Jac: I can't tell you what to do Amelia: yeah you can, if there's something you want Jac: You don't have to serve what I want Amelia: I know that Jac: then just Jac: this hurts Amelia: it's been too long since I did the right thing Amelia: I don't know what to do Jac: Why haven't you been trying? Amelia: because I thought it would work, my parents just kept saying I needed time, to focus on studying, that once I get to uni things will be better Jac: it isn't going to just happen Jac: it's good that you've been studying but like you said, it's distraction Amelia: yeah Jac: but you'll never be over it if you ignore it, if we do Amelia: but trying to talk about it has only ever made it worse Amelia: we don't communicate well Jac: it can be different Amelia: can it? Jac: there has been time, distance Jac: the fact we're addressing it, that's different Jac: can we just, start this conversation again, try again Amelia: I don't get why you want to when you don't even like me Jac: because I loved you Jac: for a long time, that doesn't count for nothing Jac: I don't want it to Jac: and I don't want to dislike you Jac: what's the point of that? Amelia: okay Jac: I know you know and knew at the time that it was wrong, I get that, you aren't stupid and I'm not trying to keep saying the same thing over and over Jac: but I don't think either of us fully appreciated how hard it was for you to say no to me at the time Jac: and now I'm so ashamed of how much I used that to my advantage Amelia: I did so many things going really far back, to not say no to you, so I'm ashamed of that too Jac: yeah, it wasn't like it was just that, or it just started with that whole period of time Jac: I knew on some level Jac: and I used it, however unconsciously, I still did Jac: I don't really know why, except for the fact I could, pure selfishness, to get what I wanted Jac: it wasn't fair on you, but plenty of other people too Amelia: and I kept it going because I wanted to, even though I knew I shouldn't Jac: if I was any sort of friend, I wouldn't have put you in that position, of having to make that choice Amelia: if I was any sort of friend I would've put what I wanted to one side and actually tried to help you Jac: It's clear neither of us were in any position to help each other, after a point Jac: I just don't know when we got there Amelia: I didn't try hard enough, how can I say I loved or cared about you? Jac: I wouldn't let you Jac: but that doesn't feel true because I did let you in in those other ways Jac: which, again, confusing and not fair on any level Amelia: I don't think I can love or care about anyone properly, that's why I'm scared to go forward Jac: I don't think that's true, I'm aware that isn't comforting, or counts for much Jac: but if someone actually gave you the chance, and it was fair Jac: you can't base it on what we had Jac: it was bad for us both, and didn't work because of that Amelia: I'm not, I'm basing it on Is and Jess too Jac: We were all bad to Is Jac: it was like...I don't even know Jac: a way to make you fight for my attention? mutual bonding to leave her out? Jac: I'm not being vague purposefully, I truly do not know why Jac: I don't think we had much in common with her once we got older but still, we didn't have to do what we did Jac: and it's a whole different situation with Jess, I repeatedly told you to not be friends with him, starters, and obviously it's a reminder of me you didn't necessarily need Amelia: I just feel like I can't have friends, but what am I gonna do, not go? be the weird loner who doesn't get involved in anything? Jac: We were best friends Jac: and that blew up, spectacularly Jac: you're bound to have trauma Amelia: I have no idea if we were or not, maybe I was just 😍🥰 Amelia: because I can't pinpoint when that happened Jac: but we still were Jac: it can be both Jac: isn't it, ideally, when you have a s/o Amelia: not if I didn't treat you like it was both Amelia: which I obviously didn't because I had no issue ever saying no to Is Jac: maybe that was more about that we didn't treat Is like a friend Amelia: maybe Jac: I don't know Jac: I felt like we were friends Amelia: okay, that's a good start, I guess Jac: of course I did Jac: I know you loved me for a long time Jac: but does it discount the philia type of love Amelia: I don't know what that means but it sounds disgusting Jac Philia — Affectionate Love. Philia is love without romantic attraction and occurs between friends or family members. ... Pragma — Enduring Love. ... Storge — Familiar Love. ... Eros — Romantic Love. ... Ludus — Playful Love. ... Mania — Obsessive Love. ... Philautia — Self Love. ... Agape — Selfless Love. Jac: thanks, classics Amelia: oh well then I hope not Jac: I'm sure you can have more than one at play at once Jac: personal experience and general consensus Amelia: probably Jac: you can't go through life alone Jac: you don't need to Amelia: arguably I do need to Amelia: because I can't go through anything that comes close to this again Jac: I don't think it will Jac: and I'm not just being big-headed Jac: there's a lot of songs about it, more evidence Amelia: I haven't forgotten what you said about someone else taking advantage of me, even if you have Jac: I haven't Jac: I said Jac: particularly nasty things that day Amelia: it was an especially fucked up day for you Jac: yes, I haven't forgotten anything about that time Jac: if only Jac: I still had no right, to be as Jac: callous as I was Amelia: you wanted me to leave, it wouldn't have worked any other way Jac: yeah Jac: I needed you to Amelia: and I know you think it was a dick move for me to not be there after but it was for the best Amelia: you had Jesse, having me around would've just made shit worse Jac: I know nothing would have made it better, really Amelia: of course not Jac: I guess too much had passed between us at that point Jac: I didn't think we were there yet Jac: or that there was that point, arrogantly Amelia: that's why I decided for us Amelia: you had grieving to do Jac: I can see your thought process now Amelia: there's loads I should've handled differently but I'm not sorry for walking away then Amelia: it was bigger than me and us and that whole fucking thing Jac: It probably just hit me, that I had successfully isolated myself, at that point Jac: I can't blame you, I shouldn't Amelia: you can, if you want, there were loads of times I thought I should just get over myself and see how you were Jac: It just felt like you didn't care Jac: but complaining about that when that's consistently what I told you, well Jac: there was no way Amelia: I'll never stop caring about you Jac: Me either Amelia: but I'm not good for you Amelia: and even if I could've shown up and taken over from Jesse, it wouldn't have gone well or lasted Jac: but I never should have asked for the amount from you that I consistently did Jac: that's the truth Amelia: and I shouldn't have been willing to give you everything in exchange for nothing Jac: No Jac: but we don't have to go back, to fix this Jac: to be better Jac: we have to address it, not just push on Amelia: that's a relief because we can't go back or fix it Jac: Why do you think the latter though? Amelia: too much has happened Jac: but that doesn't mean stop and stagnate Jac: better things can and should happen Amelia: yeah, for both of us separately Amelia: you're way ahead of me Jac: I'm not Jac: but I agree Jac: but that doesn't mean we can't get us past this place Jac: like I said, that doesn't mean like it was before, or even a fraction of that, it can be what we want Jac: that's all I was ever suggesting Amelia: what do you want it to be? Jac: I don't want you to want to run when you see me, or for us to not be able to acknowledge that spending the majority of our childhood together means something for who we are now Jac: I don't have it in me to keep hurting you or the only way for that to not happen to be staying away forever Jac: maybe we still need time Jac: but maybe we can make a start Amelia: I can't imagine talking about ☀☁🌧🌨 with you, that's all Amelia: the feeling I had at Is' birthday party that last time was Amelia: I don't know, but I know I can't Jac: we don't have to pretend to be strangers Jac: there's no point in that Jac: setting boundaries this time doesn't have to equate to nothing to say Amelia: okay Jac: I know there's still chance we'll fuck up Jac: and I know you don't have load of reason to trust me Jac: but if we're both trying Jac: and at least communicating better than nothing Jac: surely Amelia: because I don't have the slightest clue how to set boundaries Amelia: or loads of trust in myself Amelia: but I'll try Jac: maybe it gets easier with practice Amelia: I'm not saying it'll go as badly as when I said I'd try to be friends with Savannah but let's aim for not Jac: 😂 Jac: the bars been set Amelia: I've got nothing if not realistic goals Jac: you did really well Jac: getting on the course you did Amelia: school's boring but not hard Jac: don't tell Delia Amelia: I don't think she'd open a message from me Jac: another congrats for her amazing grades? add it to the pile Amelia: not another declaration of love, how dare I? Amelia: our only conversation to date was her asking if I fancied her when I came out so she is waiting Jac: Oh my god Jac: delusion? wishful thinking? Jac: not her Jac: going to be so disappointed when she doesn't get swept off her feet by some Mr Darcy type at Uni Amelia: I like girls so obviously I MUST like her because she's head girl in EVERY WAY, it was simply a technically she didn't get the badge Jac: She's so tragic I'm breaking my rule of not shit-talking people to do so because Jac: yikes Jac: maybe she is THAT special, after-all Amelia: I told her it must have been SO hard coming such a clear 2nd to Savannah Moore at everything whilst having a bigger ego Amelia: but I think she thought that meant I fancied Savannah so Amelia: slightly awkward Jac: she might've just hated Sav more than you Amelia: we could've bonded over it if she'd been less Amelia: her Jac: Yeah, I'm really gutted for you both on that Amelia: I'm really gutted that she doesn't realise your grades were better Amelia: like maybe she can't count Amelia: it's all a dramatic cover for illiteracy Jac: do we call that innumerate or Jac: ha, we do Jac: ['cos did just google that] Amelia: Jess wasn't far off her grades and he don't care, she can honestly calm down Jac: The compensation is real with that one Amelia: 😏 Jac: I hope she has a great time in Bath Jac: I don't hope that Savannah is there too and she has to rekindle that 'rivalry' or anything Amelia: 😂 Amelia: that's so gay Jac: if this were a Netflix adaptation of a YA novel, for sure Amelia: Sav is too pretty for her, people would be up in arms Jac: not people like Delia Jac: aspirational, the ugly nerd girl gets the hottie Amelia: she does look like she could be royalty, maybe that's the plot twist Jac: fucking secret princess Jac: yeah, Savannah probably would have gone for that Jac: if Delia pretends to be a boy too, get Shakesperian Amelia: 😂 Jac: I've missed you Amelia: not that I've had much competition Amelia: I love Jess but he isn't very chatty Jac: he's been more of a warden than a friend, or normal brother Jac: not his fault, that was what he had to be but yeah Amelia: and less said about Darla the fucking better, to be honest Amelia: I wasn't 💔 when she finished school Jac: Well she was what I needed her to be Jac: naturally, as was everyone in that period Amelia: an enabler, yeah, she was Jac: she's got a fucked life Jac: and I didn't help her no more than she helped me so Jac: guess it makes us equal enough Amelia: I've missed you too, by the way Jac: Yeah, tah Amelia: not only because having your mum for a BFF is the coolest Jac: at least she does know all the good gossip Amelia: and I know how to cross stitch, crochet and knit, gonna be an amazing wife Jac: your future wife better love a handmade gift Amelia: I made you an oversized scarf but I also learnt my lesson about leaving stuff outside your 🏠 Jac: Perhaps a stray could have used it for a bed or something Amelia: okay, I'll leave it when I'm going that way Jac: I'm sorry Amelia: me too Jac: If I wasn't such a bitch, they'd have been really nice gifts Amelia: yeah, I'm a thoughtful bitch Jac: 😂 Amelia: 😉 Jac: Shame some passing gay 🤓 didn't rescue 'em Amelia: any passing gay 🤓 has probably already read them Jac: how much gay literature have you consumed, whilst not knitting like a 👵 Amelia: [a list lol] Jac: Oh God Amelia: I don't recommend most of it, wouldn't even to Delia Jac: I don't really do non-fiction, which you conveniently forgot when trying to bash me over the head with your moral messages and thoughtful bitch-ness Jac: maybe read a case study or two, but wouldn't recommend, it's not the most reassuring Amelia: at least I didn't hit you over the head with Shakespeare or Les Mis or War and Peace Amelia: and I didn't forget Jac: that's more assault than insult Amelia: the first 📖 was because it only took my 10 minutes to find my parents 🎁 and the 2nd was to put my 🎨 in to try and protect it from the ❄ Jac: [why I write non-fiction when I clearly meant fiction I've annoyed myself wid that lol just so we don't get confused on a re-read] Jac: and the stories were a total coincidence Jac: not like plastic bags are cheaper or more plentiful Amelia: not to me but I knew YOU wouldn't read them Jac: I can google a title and get the sparknotes, like Jac: 👌👌 Amelia: 👏👏 Jac: erm don't be rude Jac: you knew I'd do that, I mean Amelia: I didn't know anything about what you would or wouldn't do Jac: except that I wouldn't read them, obvs Amelia: yeah, well the wouldn'ts are a bit easier than the woulds Jac: be very obvious if I lobbed them back through your window Jac: don't even need your ma's keen senses to work that one out Amelia: you wouldn't come that close to my 🏠 Jac: unlike you, I have no reason to be anywhere near Jac: again, obvious Amelia: unlike you I don't need a reason Jac: sounds mildly stalkerish Amelia: 😕 you're right Amelia: I won't bother to delete it though Jac: Progress Jac: it's fine, there's been very little too stalk, accusing you of that lately would just be embarrassing for me Amelia: likewise Amelia: unless you really want to see what else I've been knitting that badly Jac: you don't have a etsy yet? Jac: slacking Amelia: I wouldn't gift it to you if anyone else would have it Amelia: I didn't say I was good, only that I technically learned how Jac: Charming Jac: you want me to walk around looking a state Amelia: it's the thought that counts Amelia: and I'm under no illusion you'd wear it Amelia: it's not chanel Jac: we're still a while away from me being able to wear exclusively chanel Amelia: 💔 Jac: I know Jac: all bitch no rich, according to you Jac: not the one Amelia: you wish I'd ever called you names Amelia: I can flirt better than that, thank you Jac: That's a development too Jac: I distinctly remember 😳 Amelia: rude Jac: but true Jac: and we aren't pretending to be strangers, remember Amelia: 😣 fine Jac: 😉 Amelia: how long did the 💄 even last once you'd thawed or whatever? Jac: not like I was doing much 💋 after Jac: not to say it was poorly timed but you know Amelia: because that's the only time you ever wear it, we're not strangers Jac: okay, yeah Jac: I've still got it though Amelia: maybe it's not a total 🤑 scam in that case Jac: it is still for special occasions, if not just 💋s Jac: plus, like you said, my brother is the only person I'm hanging out with and enough fans thought we were dating for a while there without trying that hard for him 🤢 Amelia: your family and incest Jac: can you not Amelia: sorry Jac: you're okay Jac: it is vomit-inducing though Amelia: yeah Jac: like didn't want to be 'outed' as his sister but the speculation is worse Amelia: loads of fans thought we were 😍🥰😘 after I went to one gig and that made me feel 🤢 too Amelia: happy to be outed Jac: ha, seriously Jac: it's so weird Amelia: I must not have wearing 👖 that night or something Jac: gays own denim, yeah? Amelia: your guess is as likely to be right as mine is Amelia: I'm the only gay I know Jac: bollocks Jac: there's loads of out kids Amelia: and I don't know them, my mum is my best mate, remember Jac: 1. you had a girlfriend and all her pals, however briefly 2. you claim to know/love my brother 3. so what are you talking about Amelia: 1. I've mentally blocked out that entire time period 2. he's not gay Jac: 1. fair enough, yeah 2. neither are you unless we are using it as an umbrella term so suck it Amelia: 👅🍭 Jac: 😋 Amelia: or 🍦 because it's ☀ Jac: that would constitute enjoying the rest of our summer Amelia: you did tell me to Jac: likewise Jac: are you going to go to any of these final-blowout-before-we-all-leave-forever parties? Amelia: I don't know Jac: Me either Jac: probably not though Amelia: if Jess wants to before I go, I might, but there's loads of other things I'd rather do instead Jac: cute Amelia: he is my sometimes boyfriend, ask the fans Jac: that's truly horrifying Amelia: maybe I'll be washing my 👖 Jac: write a song about it, boy Amelia: 😂 Jac: he would Jac: tell me I'm wrong Jac: you can't Amelia: he definitely would Amelia: as enjoyable as it always is telling you you're wrong Jac: more enjoyable than hearing his 💔 Amelia: yeah Jac: but not 🍦 Amelia: I'm very hungry right now so no Jac: I mean, go ahead Jac: but I'm never wrong Amelia: we're not strangers Jac: 😲 Amelia: you were wrong when you thought you could ✂ your own hair Jac: I can't wait to be somewhere no one knows that anecdote Jac: and there isn't photographic evidence Amelia: and when you told me my mum's 🌹 didn't have thorns because you wanted me to pick them for you Jac: well, that was just a lie, not being wrong Jac: surprised your mum didn't cut my hair with her secateurs after that, like Amelia: okay but I can probably go on and on all day if you want Amelia: ending on my forehead scar for dramatic effect Jac: you're the one that ❤s it more than ice-cream and indie pop Jac: anyway, I feel enough guilt and shame for the things I did wrong way more recently than that, if we're being real Amelia: yeah, I know Amelia: me too Jac: summer bummer Amelia: hey, we're trying Jac: true Jac: not that bad, is it Amelia: maybe we should go to one of the parties, do it right Jac: you think? Amelia: I might worry less about freshers if I can do that without fucking it up Jac: Alright Jac: if we find one with the least offensive cast of dickheads Amelia: if anything that sounds harder than not fucking it up but okay Jac: at least Delia won't be at any Jac: it'll be fine Amelia: I'm 💔 about the lack of goodbye 💋 so if you could just not mention her name Jac: 🤐 Amelia: thanks Jac: any time Amelia: and we can leave any time if it's the worst idea I've ever had Jac: now that's unlikely Jac: however boring it is Amelia: alright, if I'm the worst date ever Jac: nah Jac: you haven't forgotten how many boys I've dated Amelia: I've tried to Jac: 🤐🤐 Amelia: 🥀🥀 Jac: don't worry, I'm very aware how tragic it was, no need to pretend Amelia: I'm just wondering if they are or if they really think they did something 🏆⭐ Jac: They did me and that was the 🏆⭐ Jac: some people can get an ego over nothing, like she-who-must-not-be-named but the majority were clued in Amelia: no arguments from me, you were 🏆⭐ Jac: you weren't bad yourself Amelia: it's not a real compliment, it's an if I were dressed like a Shakespearean boy one, so I don't need any back Jac: no it's not Amelia: and I'm going outside, you'll be thrilled to hear Amelia: ☀🌳🌼 Jac: that's nice and all but why are you ignoring me coming out to you Amelia: because I don't know what to do with it Jac: okay Jac: that went well then Amelia: how did you expect it to go? Jac: thought you might be able to muster a happy for you or something Jac: what did your mum say when you first told her? Amelia: she asked me if I was sure, which I'm obviously not going to say Jac: did you tell her she was the first person you told? Amelia: no Jac: well maybe that would've been a better place for me to start Amelia: I don't think I should be the first person you tell anything Jac: it's not like you didn't know already Jac: that's the only reason why Jac: I'm not gonna make an announcement Amelia: and you weren't happy so I'm not going to say I'm happy for you Jac: alright Jac: don't worry about it Amelia: I'm not worried about it, if you're telling me, that's different from how it was before Jac: yeah, sort of what I'm going for Amelia: the fresh start thing, yeah Jac: right Jac: may as well give it a shot Amelia: you'll have loads of chances to get a better reaction than the one you got from me Jac: not going to get laid Jac: or join a GSA Jac: just also not lying and getting laid by dudes, that's all Amelia: okay Jac: unless there's a future king of England, that's just the kind of chance you have to take regardless Amelia: 😂 Amelia: I'll let you, Sav and Delia be 👸👸🏾👸🏼 it's not really the happily ever after I'm looking for Jac: not that it ever is really Jac: 📸🏎🚇💀💔 Amelia: Jess' fans are intense enough Jac: 🙄 yeah, can't wait for the complex he gets Amelia: loads of girls have already asked me out to try and get close to him, no thank you Jac: Ew Jac: another reason not to come out Amelia: you'll just get lads doing it instead Jac: nah Jac: lads aren't like that and he has like no male fans Amelia: not yet Jac: still Jac: gay boys aren't gonna pretend to be straight to clout chase Amelia: I was thinking more straight lads trying to be his mate and take his fan girls but sure Jac: why are you wishing predators on me just to prove boys are as bad as straight girls Jac: 🤨 Amelia: I haven't made any wishes Jac: hmm 👌 Amelia: you can have a clichéd good luck message when you actually leave Jac: I'll look forward to it Jac: you're so jaded now yeah Amelia: not that kind of 👵 Jac: I've only got the one so not much to compare Jac: ❌👵👴👴 Amelia: I'll cellotape 💰 to any cards I send you along with the 🧶🧣🧤🧦🧸 Amelia: leave you long rambling voicemails because I refuse to text and show up at every family function only to leave like an hour later Amelia: the full experience Jac: honestly, sounds like you anyway Jac: not a big stretch is it Jac: 😄 Amelia: I wouldn't do it if it was, selfish bitch that I am Jac: Obvs Amelia: 😏 Jac: right Jac: better let you go enjoy the ☀🌳🌼 as requested Amelia: don't worry, I'm a 👵 who can do a few things at once Amelia: not wearing my 🍦 or anything Jac: knitted bib would probably not work Amelia: my mum must've tried it when I was a baby Jac: she probably soldiered on as well Jac: like with the bob Amelia: 😣 Amelia: BFF or not, I won't be asking her advice on what to wear for my first day of lectures Jac: Bless Jac: the preppy look would be more her wheelhouse than freshers though Amelia: freshers is a banned word in our 🏠 Amelia: she thinks I'm going to go insane Jac: you aren't Delia who's never been to a real party in her life Jac: I'll send her some charcoal all ready, like Jac: DIY Amelia: she'd probably assume it was an early 🎄🎅🎁 and you were calling her 👿 Jac: she is that pessimist Jac: not gonna beat you with a switch, sorry girl Amelia: she'd at least need to buy you a drink first Jac: I'd need more than a single drink, tah Amelia: 🍾 Jac: that's the vibe Jac: [examples 'cos St Andrews so bouj with the champagne etc lol] Amelia: you'll fit right in Amelia: I don't know what Cork's vibe is Jac: You should check out the #s it can be really useful Jac: if you're not quite ready to dip your toe into the freshers whatsapps yet Jac: I'm holding off 'cos 😬 Amelia: me too, I feel at risk of a migraine just thinking about it Amelia: which would be about right when I haven't had as many lately Jac: alright, I get it Jac: massive pain in your 🤯 Jac: I'm glad you've got 'em a bit more under control though Amelia: I mean, you're not on my official triggers list technically Amelia: even if I was apparently always 😳 Jac: Yeah Jac: but that's easily dealt with Amelia: right Jac: better than an aspirin, anyway Amelia: true, I'm still shit at swallowing 💊s Jac: That gay Amelia: 😂 Jac: Might go to [this] hers Jac: they weren't that awful Amelia: and it's not that far if we decide to 🏃 away Jac: and her parents will only be down the pub or something 'til they call time, so no chance of it getting out of hand Amelia: my parents will be thrilled Jac: if you don't want them to join you on freshers Amelia: thank god she isn't reading over my shoulder right now, you'd have given her ideas Jac: no way she weren't already thinking of ways to 🔭 Amelia: one of many reasons I'd never go to Trinity Jac: Same Jac: can't imagine anything worse Amelia: UCC's website already makes the BOLD claim of being in the top 2% of universities in the world so obviously I have no need anyway Amelia: don't ask me how they worked out anything like that Amelia: 🤨 Jac: top 2% at what Jac: I love when they try to blind you with stats Jac: some of the websites are abhorent Amelia: Bath's would give me a migraine Amelia: because yeah I've looked at it Jac: don't remind me 💔 Amelia: I'll invite Delia to the party if you like, that'll make you feel loads better Jac: I AM thrilled that no one from school is going to st andys too Jac: 👀 anyone across campus, let alone her, nope Amelia: shit, now that you mention it, I really don't like my chances of not running into anyone quite as much Amelia: that'll be a great orientation depending who I get Jac: I think they're gonna announce it all at that ball thing they're doing Jac: if you're going to that Amelia: I probably have to now Amelia: to get a warning Amelia: 😬 Jac: just don't dramatically gasp or scream in horror Jac: the other person/people might be a bit offended Amelia: that'll be everyone else at me in a 👗 again Jac: okay, cinderella fantasy Amelia: thanks, yeah, I'm totally rocking some summer rags as we speak Amelia: I get it, if it's not chanel I might as well 🧹 the floor in it or with it Jac: at least you name isn't prefaced with ugly or evil Jac: r* Jac: 🐭🎃✨ Amelia: but I can't be leaving 👠 behind Jac: packing is so weird Jac: how do you even know how much to take Amelia: I just know I'm going to have to keep going back and forth because I haven't grabbed the right things Amelia: I don't envy you Jac: what are you doing for living your 1st year? Amelia: rooms are on a lottery so if I don't get one I'll have to stay here and 🚗 Jac: Oh Jac: that's tense Jac: I'll 🤞🤞 Amelia: scared as I am, I seriously don't want to live at 🏠 Amelia: what kind of fresh start is that? Jac: I agree, I mean, obviously Jac: I couldn't go much further Jac: you'd miss out if you had to commute, on all the student life Amelia: exactly, they also brag about having over 100 societies Jac: we love an option Jac: it'll be good Jac: even if you do 🚗 for a bit, you'll meet people you actually wanna share with later Amelia: 🤞🤞 Amelia: so are you going to the ball 👸? Jac: better than being stuck with total nightmare housemates Jac: I opted for a single room for that same reason Jac: only so nice I can be still Jac: I wanted to scream at Jude earlier but I had to just 🙂🙂 Jac: May as well, though everyone is pairing up and making that a thing, or going as a girly group and then that's another thing so Amelia: right? I've never even had to share a bathroom before, I'm too only child for this bullshit to be honest Jac: ^^ you wouldn't cope, soz Amelia: I'd rather sleep in my 🚗 than with nightmare housemates Amelia: fuck's sake, maybe I won't go to the ball and take my chances with whoever else is going to UCC Amelia: we probably won't ever run into each other anyway Jac: I saw Is and all her mates dress shopping in town the other day Amelia: did she see you? Jac: Thankfully not Jac: I was stocking up on some beauty essentials so I was far enough away for that convo not to happen Amelia: It's so weird to just see her around Amelia: she always looks good though Jac: Yeah Jac: she's gonna be really happy Jac: it's good Amelia: but it has made my mind up about not going, because there's no way I'm going dress shopping Amelia: and nothing online can be trusted Jac: We could've gone together Jac: pure solidarity thing, as we have no one else to go with Jac: apart from Jess Amelia: do you want to? Jac: I mean, yeah Jac: the last day was pretty anti-climatic Jac: at least this will feel like a proper goodbye Amelia: I'm aware I haven't really shone in this conversation so okay Jac: You don't have to Jac: but it could be alright, us three Jac: see it through to the end properly, you know Amelia: I want to though, when you put it like that Jac: Okay Jac: cool Jac: I'll tell Jess Jac: at least he has to have something approaching formalwear these days Amelia: maybe he'll let me borrow it Jac: the full 🤵🏻 moment Amelia: I guess, if it means I can escape the 🛍 moment Jac: you don't have ANYTHING? Amelia: no ?????? maybe ??????? Amelia: I don't know, it's not a house party Jac: 🙄😂 Jac: in fairness, every other bitch is finished by now Jac: so you aren't going to run into everyone Amelia: what are you planning on wearing? Jac: 🤔 Jac: I probably have options Jac: if I've worn it too recently is always the question Amelia: we're going shopping, aren't we? Jac: it sounds like we need to Amelia: alright Jac: When do you wanna go Jac: I've wrapped up work now so I'm pretty free most of the time Jac: when not packing, unpacking, repacking Amelia: tomorrow so I can change my mind AGAIN back to not going if all the 👗 suck Amelia: plus my mum is busy and can't gatecrash to volunteer any 'advice' Amelia: more importantly, where do we want to go? because I'll 🚗 Amelia: obviously you'll be wanting to look 🤑 Jac: I won't make you do Brown Thomas Jac: but could we do Powerscourt? Jac: 🥺 Amelia: you can't make me do anything anymore but because you've made such a convincing argument with 🥺 yeah we can Jac: Oh that's right Jac: we're both better people now Jac: I still love Powerscourt though Amelia: I don't want you to change everything about yourself, that's erasure not improvement Amelia: and I still love how your face lights up when you go there Jac: It is knowing which parts to cut off and which can be salvaged Jac: like  🌹 🥀 Jac: speaking of, the garden flower shop 😍😍 Amelia: like 🖌 too sometimes you want to leave the first brush strokes in and sometimes you don't Amelia: fine, I'll make you a corsage, don't feel like you have to 🥺 I've made a shit load of Christmas wreaths, it'll be a piece of cake Jac: exactly Jac: or what 🖌 stroke is going to be the one that's one too many Jac: or the painting that never seems quite finished Jac: by the way, if you do have to keep living here, please ensure my sister doesn't ruin my room Jac: there was talk of a mural Amelia: 😣 don't! I'm not going to miss any of those dilemmas when I have zero time for 🎨 Amelia: 😂 of course there was Amelia: Oh Jude Jac: Far too busy being Sherlock 🧐 Jac: I think she was just trying to get a rise out of me, so naturally I didn't give anything Jac: but God knows the eyesore I'll come back to Amelia: I'll find out if she was serious or not when I devote my time to spying on the state of your bedroom walls Jac: It can't all be murders at dinner parties Amelia: 💔 Amelia: now you tell me Amelia: I've been channelling Miss Marple all year for nothing Jac: 😅 Jac: she was a bad bitch Amelia: likewise 😎 that was the easy bit Jac: you're such a fool Jac: 😏 Amelia: you gave me another chance, I dread to think what it makes you Jac: what's it about beggars not having much option? Amelia: if you're financially fucked to that level we probably shouldn't go to Powerscourt Jac: Please, all I did was work this past year Jac: school and actual Jac: may as well blow some of it before I'm using it to eat rice every night at uni or whatever Amelia: stop flexing at me, thank you, I don't wish to see it Amelia: or you the return of my 😳 Jac: I don't know what you're talking about 💪 Jac: and I have fond memories of your 😳 too Amelia: past tense not present Amelia: 😎🍦 Jac: not even for old times sake then? Jac: 💔 Amelia: you can't even see me right now and if you're using your imagination there's loads of old times to remind yourself of Jac: but when I do Amelia: I couldn't possibly comment on tomorrow before it has happened Amelia: not a 🔮💎💫 gay, if you recall Jac: so sorry Jac: about your lack of powers Jac: be really good if being gay came with those kinda perks, tbh Amelia: very disappointing Jac: yeah, I'll bring it up with god when I get there, like Amelia: I'll bring it up with 👿 so all bases are covered Amelia: because I was a miracle and I squandered it, or whatever Jac: Hardly Jac: 1. your mum loves the gays and you having a baby will be such a trial she will live for the bonding 2. you've survived to go to uni that's like all they want Amelia: 🎺I feel so accomplished suddenly Jac: yeah, I know, making things sound as harsh as possible is my speciality Jac: but you actually should be Amelia: for what? Jac: Loads of things Jac: mainly getting on your course at the mo though, as that's all we can talk or think about Amelia: it's about picking the right subjects, that's all Amelia: like I said, school is boring but not hard 🧩 Jac: you still did that Jac: and that means you're smart Jac: or it would be both Amelia: you're the only one who didn't believe I had a plan or fuck to give about the future Jac: I was just trying to make sure you didn't give up Amelia: that went well Jac: yeah, I know Jac: okay, it was still rude to say, even if I had good intentions Amelia: you've been ruder, so have I Jac: I'm sure I don't even remember half the shit I said Jac: feel free to regale me with my worst hits if you wanna and I'll try not to kill myself, like Amelia: It's not as if I'd enjoy reliving it either Jac: it'd be alright if you did Amelia: not really Jac: I'm owed a lot worse than squirming for a bit from you Jac: but let's not then, unless you change your mind Jac: works for me Amelia: if I fancy 🎣 I know where you are Jac: I didn't take up old people hobbies too, I'm afraid Amelia: it'd be a bit rude to leave my dad entirely out Amelia: but actually his hobby is just sitting down in different places depending on the ☀☁🌧🌨 Jac: 😂 Jac: can think of worse Amelia: it's an easy one to take up when you get to Edinburgh so you're welcome for the great suggestion Jac: 🤞 there will be no time right Amelia: yeah, there is probably only so much distraction we can stand and we already got to the limit 🌠 Jac: I will have a garden though Jac: and there's the golf course Jac: those are old people adjacent Amelia: of course you'll have a garden Amelia: that's the biggest you incentive I've ever heard Jac: it sold the single bed over the double Jac: along with the more historic building Jac: was used to a single anyway before the basement Amelia: if you're desperate to stretch just go sleep in the 🌳🌼🌹🌷🌻 Jac: 😅 it's Edinburgh, not the Bahamas Amelia: obviously wear clothes Jac: I would manage that without your advice, thank you Jac: didn't go that mental post baby Amelia: I'll knit you a blanket and maybe some kind of onesie, it'll be fine Jac: just so dating really isn't an option 👌 Amelia: maybe if it's tartan the locals will be super into it Jac: nothing more endearing than a bit of mockery 💰🌈 Amelia: no 🌈 don't worry, I haven't fully transformed into my mother Jac: 😏 Amelia: at least you know you're getting a 🛏 Jac: yeah, that is shitty Jac: they famously charge more than any other uni for said rooms so Jac: there's that Amelia: 🤑 Jac: I'm gonna be broke forever 🎻 Amelia: until you straighten up and get that 🤴 Jac: at least some rich royal wannabe Amelia: I'll be a starving artist with no time to pick up a brush Jac: 🕵 Amelia: Miss Marple never solved student debt Amelia: I guess it's up to me Jac: she was a school of life type, aka totally unqualified, just nosy Amelia: and of 'independent means' aka 🤑💰💰 Jac: duh Jac: poor people weren't worth writing about Amelia: how would you know? you don't read any fiction Jac: exactly Jac: I've read the reports Amelia: because they can be trusted any more than the UCC website I'm sure Jac: data to back up the findings is key Jac: be interested to see UCCs Amelia: unlikely they have any Amelia: but I'll ask Jac: may as well get friendly with the staff Jac: start as you mean to go on Amelia: sweet of you to think about getting me a date Amelia: I don't think I'll start there though Jac: if you go for that cliche, like Jac: the fresh start thing we're doing might have to be reconsidered Amelia: I'm really cool with NOT Amelia: falling for your childhood best friend is enough of one Jac: you've read the books, I couldn't possibly comment Amelia: it's usually some 😎 new hs student which your parents have been there and done Jac: Yeah Jac: I don't think the hilarity of the situation escaped them Amelia: it's always really funny to hear about so clearly not Jac: yeah, from an outside POV Jac: having your parents live out a romcom just gives you unattainable and unrealistic expectations Jac: see Jude Amelia: okay, point taken Jac: now beyond unattainable for me Amelia: nothing's unattainable for you Jac: you're sweet Amelia: no, unlike Jude you set goals and work towards achieving them until you have Amelia: if there's something you want, you'll get there Jac: isn't ❤ meant to be beyond all that Jac: not something you can put in the diary or on a vision board, like Amelia: 😍 maybe Amelia: but love takes effort Jac: I don't know Jac: if I'll ever be ready Jac: so for now, it can take a backseat and that's fine Amelia: yeah, I feel the same way Jac: 🕮 Amelia: 🤓 Jac: *🤓🤓 Amelia: when I wear my glasses it's really not that far off Jac: you look cute in your glasses Amelia: 🤥 you do Amelia: I look like a kids book character Jac: what's wrong with that? Amelia: I'm not trying to bring back 👧🏻 Jac: I liked your hair too Amelia: maybe you need new glasses Amelia: I am going to do something different with it for uni though, I just need to decide Jac: you could never take a compliment Jac: 🟥 🟧 🟨 🟩 🟦 🟪 ⬛️ ⬜️? Amelia: I'll pack them all up in my suitcase and take them to Cork in case I don't like it Jac: just don't start with red then Amelia: I'd never get that out Amelia: even more persistent than you with the compliments Jac: your mum would also think the breakdown had begun so Jac: wouldn't Amelia: she hasn't had me sectioned yet, assumedly it'll take more than rebel red or whatever they've called it Jac: 😂 Jac: you know it's someone like Delia coming up with these names Amelia: they should poach my mum off my dad's reception, she has A LOT to say about what 🧵🧶 colours are named Jac: a new career would keep her busy Jac: empty nest is real Amelia: I did consider getting her a pet but if it's too cute, I won't want to leave Jac: you're so soft Amelia: is that another compliment or an insult? Jac: it's an insult, don't worry Jac: no need for 😳 Amelia: okay Jac: she can have one of the dogs Jac: wouldn't miss the one Amelia: and expose my dad's fake allergy? he's worked so hard on that lie Jac: such a move Jac: suddenly LOVES animals now you're gone Jac: I would Amelia: 😣 Jac: maybe I can convince him Jac: add him to my list, like Amelia: because that doesn't sound like you're about to seduce my dad Jac: only so you can have a dog Jac: excuse you Amelia: I don't want one THAT badly Jac: and I don't want your dad at all, tah Amelia: if you did you'd have kissed him instead of Valentina during your attempt to ruin my life or whatever so yeah, I figured Jac: I forgot who that was Jac: even your girlfriend had an 👵 name Amelia: funnily enough that wasn't why I went out with her Jac: Sure Amelia: at least I know she isn't going to Cork or any uni Jac: Colour me surprised Jac: I remember her being stupid Amelia: you barely remembered her name, she didn't make a lasting impression, clearly Jac: duh Jac: wasn't 😍 Amelia: I know Jac: were you Amelia: all the things you could ask me and you go with one about her? Jac: I'm not on a limit of questions, am I? Amelia: I don't know what you're planning on doing later Jac: got that much to say? Amelia: did you want unlimited quick fire questions? Jac: you don't have to answer Jac: but you haven't Amelia: I wasn't 😍 Jac: okay Amelia: it was just uncomplicated Jac: she was Jac: I get it Amelia: because she was blatant about what she wanted and why Jac: yeah Jac: that's what you needed at the time Amelia: no it wasn't Jac: wanted then Amelia: it was a bad idea in a long line of Amelia: the first distraction Jac: it was a better idea than the alternative at the time Amelia: the alternative was being single so no, that would've been a way smarter move Jac: I meant what I started that night Amelia: well yeah, but we're talking about my decisions and I wasn't going to do that Jac: that would've been too smart, I suppose Amelia: me kissing whatever lad you were with at the time would have been literally the opposite of smart Jac: that's not what I mean Amelia: I know what you mean Jac: it's not blame Jac: it would've been smarter for us all Amelia: yeah Jac: alas Amelia: 💔 Jac: you're alright now Jac: pretty sure you led with that Amelia: I wasn't going to lead with the alternative Jac: yeah Jac: Jude did the same Jac: totally thriving, not at all bullshitting Amelia: Oh great, it's been ages since you compared me to your sister, I've really missed it Jac: I can't help it if your approaches are similar and as blatant to see right through Jac: get better Jac: 😉 Amelia: it was your choice to bring it up to annoy me, which you could easily do better at Jac: well I'm not used to being nice Jac: it'll take me a while to be really good at it Amelia: I'm not used to you giving me a sober compliment, we're both trying new things here Jac: I complimented you before Jac: you act like I never did when we were friends Amelia: forever ago then Amelia: when you were nice Jac: rude but fair Jac: I was never that nice, actually Amelia: I remember you being nice to me Jac: ha Jac: you admitted it Amelia: that you were nice to me when we were friends, yeah, it's right there Jac: mhmm Jac: I see it Amelia: if you're about to accuse me of bullshitting, go on Amelia: be brave Jac: why would I? Amelia: I don't know, to be annoying Jac: I'm not trying to be annoying Jac: so nah Amelia: okay Jac: I'm gonna go to that party Amelia: are you telling me because you want me there or as far away as possible? Jac: I'm just telling you because Jac: but no, if I see you there, I won't run Jac: but if you don't wanna see me, there's the warning Amelia: I'm seeing you tomorrow, just you Amelia: why would I need a warning for seeing you at a party Jac: Parties are a trigger Amelia: lots of things are Jac: it might be different Jac: in person Jac: and I've not been to a party since all I did at parties was get blackout at them and not remember much of the rest so Amelia: I won't go if it's going to make it harder for you Jac: no, that's not Jac: I don't even know if I should Jac: like you said, I can't not join in at Uni, that's not what I want Amelia: you have to start somewhere Amelia: and Jess would go with you if you want moral support from someone who isn't me Amelia: because I'm well aware I've never been great at it Jac: people from school SHOULDN'T fawn after him Jac: the whole playing it cool, knew you before you blew up, moment of it all Jac: but still Amelia: yeah, there's probably a lot of things people from school shouldn't do, but that's a different conversation Amelia: and a long one Jac: maybe I can't be bothered Jac: none of the people will be at uni, that'll take away the need to get completely trashed Amelia: right Jac: fuck it Jac: you go Jac: I'll stay home and knit instead Amelia: 😂 Jac: how hard can it be Amelia: you'll see Jac: judgmental 👵 Amelia: a rare 👵 who is willing to let you make up your own mind Jac: alright ✌🌍❤🕊 Amelia: shut up Jac: you'reso woke Jac: 😂 Amelia: I don't know how well you'll knit, that's all Jac: I don't knit Amelia: not yet Jac: your ma has brainwashed you a bit Amelia: that's why I'm going to the party Amelia: to break her control Jac: 👏 Amelia: alright, no need to take the piss Jac: I'm not Amelia: it's a small and bound to be disappointing step, I know Jac: little bit Amelia: but I don't know where else to start so Jac: it's a good idea Amelia: then why doesn't it feel like one? Jac: how was the last one you went to? Amelia: depressing Jac: that's normal, isn't it Jac: parties are Jac: you reckon you're meant to be having the best time ever and you ain't, that's the mood Amelia: it's lonely Jac: yep Amelia: but anyway Jac: we're both totally fine 👌 Amelia: of course Jac: tomorrow though Amelia: send me a message when you're ready to get picked up or something Jac: Sure thing Jac: See you then Amelia: okay Amelia: 👋

[redandfranticfeelings]

'tag things making fun of doug' because your personal enjoyment of an abuser's content should supersede the feelings of the people he abused by making them act out rape jokes? the fact that making fun of an abuser upsets you because you like him warrants some serious self-examination on your part. 'you can't make fun of an abuser around me bc i like his content and you can't criticize me bc mental illness' is some wendycorduroy shit. i'm surprised you'd do this given how critical you are of her.

and yes, people are allowed to not like you for still liking the show. ofc people can have problematic interests if they want, but content that has been directly used by its creators to abuse people is a special kind of bad. you’re allowed to like it, but guilt tripping people or implying they’re not allowed to dislike the fact that you still support it is incredibly callous to the people rob, doug, and mike abused. this is not, nor should it be, about your feelings. this is about the victims.             

you know what. upon further consideration, those asks were not kindly phrased. my intention was to emphasize that because the anniversary movies were vessels for abuse (injuries, rape jokes, etc) it was inappropriate to prioritize one’s own feelings over the feelings of the victims or block out criticism, but i phrased them in a way that was not productive and was attacking you. i’m sorry for my wording and for being a dick          

thank you for your follow up apology. i see where youre coming with this but i think there’s a few things that i can point towards me not giving up on the show altogether.

short answer: while i detest the way the company has been run and is executing public relations, and i am uncomfortable watching any video on their channel and have not done such for weeks, and i really want the harmed ex-producers to receive justice, i still believe there is a shred of hope for the show based on what recent producers have said, and that doug can reform himself by owning up to his deliberate ignorance, neglect, and egotism, though he is not the biggest abuser in this situation. i have a lot of emotional history with NC that means i need time before i’m able to drop the show altogether, if i ever can, and i just want to avoid anything that isn’t constructive and just intended to make anybody feel bad for liking the show/movies before this information was widely known.

long answer:

most of the criticism lauded against doug isnt so much being the direct abuser but being complacent and ignorant of people’s health. if i recall correctly, while it was a pretty unnecessary and terrible joke to make in my opinion, he didn’t pick up that the drill scene in TBF made anybody uncomfortable at the time? and in recent years he seems more concerned about what his cast undergoes, and a lot of them have said that he does ask about jokes that might hurt them and make sure they’re comfortable. i believe he apologized for it and acknowledged his naievity in the movie’s commentary but restating that apology would be beneficial now, yeah.

while complacency and ignorance is bad, i think he has been neglectful, not directly abusive. also, idk if you meant this, but your phrasing makes it kinda sound like his projects were intended as a means to abuse people; the abuse happened because of the movies, yeah, but it was because of doug being egotistical and ignorant, not malicious. the content of the movies reflect’s doug’s massive ego but it doesn’t reflect a desire to abuse anybody. if he did the shit that mike michaud or mike ellis did, that would be inexcusable for me and i would have lost hope for him.

if anybody is definitely abusive, it’s the CEO, who i love watching get bashed because he is indeed a sexist verbally abusive asshole who holds the power in the company and is using it for his stupid selfish needs. it’s also been stated that doug is restricted by his contract with the CEO and could just straight up not be able to make videos if he stepped out of turn, so while i wish he would use his walkout power more, he doesn’t have as much power as some people attribute to him. he’s complicit in abuse but i don’t think that’s the same as being abusive? the producers themselves seem to go back and forth about how they feel about him but a recurring theme is that he’s tragically ignorant of abuse, but not on the same level of abusive as michaud, if they call him abusive at all (most just seem to feel betrayed by him).

additionally, almost all creators who have worked with him in the past couple of years, have stated they had generally positive experiences with the network, even the ones who are now leaving. the only thing that seems to remain an issue is the awful, awful PR (that apology sucked, i criticized it myself) and the lack of communication towards anybody not chicago-based. i feel they need to ditch michaud (which probably won’t be easy, since he’s a shady capitalist fuck), formally apologize and maybe provide compensation for past producers who were abused by the higher-ups, and either improve relations or just restrict everything to NC, because at this point that’s the only show that’s going to be left if they don’t get their shit together anyway. but i do think that if they just take the easy solution of apologizing, even though it’s already way too late and they royally fucked themselves over, things can be a little better.

i’m also not against criticizing doug for not speaking out, because the least he could do is apologize at least privately and i’ve even emailed him imploring him to do at least that (i don’t expect a response though lmao). i just get hurt at people attacking the show and movies as being terrible and something no fan should like. a lot of people really attached to the series before this blew up, and for the most part the content of the show doesn’t reflect the behind-the-scenes issues.

i’m spreading relevant information on twitter regarding abuse and producers’ feelings, but so many people (obviously not the producers, but the fans/haters) involved in this are more concerned with just shitting on doug bc they don’t like him and a lot are trying to make him out as worse than he is. i want to spread what the producers say because i trust them, but i’m wary of fans who seem to just be in it for the drama or bc they never liked NC and they wanna spite people who did (yes, those people exist, they mocked me on kiwifarms).

i know this isn’t about me, but i’ve invested a lot of money and time and emotional energy in the show, it’s introduced me to new friends, and it’s been directly and indirectly responsible for some of my highest and lowest points of the past year and a half. my comfort ship has been very helpful in helping my loneliness. it gave me something to look forward to every day. not to pull the autism card, but it’s difficult for me to drop a special interest very easily and i’m jealous of people who can. i need time to grow entirely out of it if i can.

but even still, i haven’t watched a NC episode in weeks, even the new ones, due to my discomfort and shame towards the show and network (only NC thing i watched lately was the hyper q&a, which is on tamara’s channel, and i used it to fall asleep). i unsubscribed, and i really i only care about a few aspects of the show anyway.

if you want to hate me because i can’t immediately remove NC from my heart then fine, but if so, just unfollow me. i don’t want people to not post NC criticism, and i fully endorse spreading relevant information because i care about the victims and i want them to receive justice. i just want hate tagged so i, personally, do not have to be constantly reminded that a show that is/was close to my heart has so many awful things behind it, even if i’m not sure if i still love it anymore. and while i have been a bit guilt-trippy in the past i’ve been confronted on that already and i’m trying not to come across that way, and i’m sorry for having been manipulative at all. i’m paranoid about being abandoned and hated just for having watched this show but unless you’re like, a super close friend of mine, you can unfollow any time you want.

[todokori-kun]

The fix was quicker than I expected! Dad’s bringing it (the computer) home today :D

someone needs to photoshop smiling cherubs and flowers around them

OH whoops, sorry about the misunderstanding ^^;; Idk what I even want to happen to the Touken baby, I just don’t want it to die in the womb.

Uta/Touka child might also be pretty attractive, now that I think about it ;)

(Uta/Rize or Uta/Itori child would look even better though)

I was in a nice, fluffy mood when I wrote that. Unfortunately, as I’m going to get my computer back and will be able to start working on the Heathers AU again tonight, this will probably be the last you’ll see of Cinnamon Roll Evans for a while :) 

YES I read the new Kuro chapter! Honestly I disliked the 2CT for various reasons  but now that it’s actually become canon I think I feel a little better about it (also, is it just me or does ‘real’ Ciel look a bit different from 'our’ Ciel on the last page? His face looks too…perfect, if that makes sense). I’m excited to see what this means for Lizzy’s relationship with both Ciels and Undertaker’s connection to the Phantomhives!

Oh, actually I agree with you there? What I meant by 'op’ is more of a really strong character, not an overpowered one ^^;; sorry, I’ll try to explain myself better:

Super strong characters like Levi, Mikasa, the Titan Trio, Kaneki, Eto, Arima, Sebastian…they are all technically 'op’ (especially Sebastian, dude has literally no weaknesses so far). However, they work because they also have traits that interest us beyond just their strength. Kaneki is a lonely child, a selfish person with a fear of being left behind, drifting and unable to find a reason to live. Levi is an orphan who was raised by a serial killer- he clawed his way up to where he is now. Annie is a sixteen-year-old trained into a killing machine from childhood, she went through life believing that the only person she could trust was her father, and she was desperate to return to him.

(It’s also difficult because everyone seems to have a different definition of 'op’; I personally just use it to jokingly refer to powerful characters or when I talk about strong characters whose power levels are inconsistent with canon to the point where it gets ridiculous (example: we know titan shifters take some time to heal, so if a titan shifter came along who could be behaded then have their head instantly stick back onto their neck like some sort of AoT version of Noro, I’d consider them OP).)

I guess what I was trying to say was that it’s fine to have strong characters, just make sure that they have an actual personality (readers need a reason to care about the characters, after all!) and that their powers make sense? ^^;;

(Also, I think I might have sounded a bit passive-aggressive or rude during this convo about op characters, I'm really sorry if I did OTL I didn’t mean to, but when I reread my comments I realized they could come off that way)

I agree with you about the AoT OCs though. Unfortunately there aren’t a lot of good ones…actually, most OCs I see for popular fandoms aren’t very interesting. Other than the powers or character designs the thing that bothers me is the lack of proper personality (why do so many people think 'happy’ is a personality trait???).

And definitely agree 100% on the angsty backstory. Like, that’s just overkill. There’s a difference between tragedy and being edgy. (It also sort of depends on how good the writer is at conveying emotion and handling the angst, but for the most part stuff like that is

That’s a great way to do things! :D I’m really, really disorganized when it comes to making characters…usually a concept pops into my head and I run with it, adding in details along the way. Tatsuo was created when I wanted to make a male TG OC and suddenly this image of a smug-looking guy with a long black ponytail popped into my head, Naomi started from the idea of making a character with the themes of 'self-discovery’ 'identity’ and 'lies’ woven into their arc. Louisa was literally born from an outfit- I randomly thought of an outfit that looked really pretty and traditionally feminine, yet was actually very practical when you looked closer. Then I tried to imagine what kind of person would wear these clothes and that was Louisa…

idk, I’m bad at explaining stuff haha

(also: Tatsuo was also inspired by various vampire characters I saw in anime/manga, books and TV shows. He’d be so offended if he knew LOL in fact, he just might serve me for dinner at the restaurant or something ;-;)

TYSM! I’m really glad you’ve liked all three of my OCs so far, thank you for listening to me ramble about my babies (actually only Naomi is my baby, Tatsuo and I disowned each other and Louisa moved out) <33333

As for Lou, I’ll send you some more info about her after I develop her a bit more if you like? :) For now, a few random things:

-rarely shows emotions like anger or sorrow

-not because she’s bottling them up, but because she’s learned how to handle them in a healthy way

-always smells like mint for some reason

-maybe because she’s addicted to mint tea

-her bodyguard suspects she doesn’t drink water at all and lives on the stuff

-she also likes strong flavors

-has the kind of bright, pretty smile that makes you want to trust her

-so you do

-and you (probably) get killed

-had a girlfriend named Iris once, a nice, sensible girl who managed to keep her from getting too buried in her work and various plans for her family and took care of her in ways that her bodyguard couldn’t (AKA somehow got her to realize that mint tea does not equal a proper meal)

-unfortunately Iris did not know that Lou can be a bit terrible

-she walked in on Lou casually wiping the blood off of her knife with the dead body of a certain businessman on the floor in front of her

-“Oh, Iris. What are you doing here, darling? I thought I asked the servants to keep you upstairs, my private meetings can be a bit messy… Iris? Love, are you quite alright? You look a little pale…”

-Well, that was the end of that relationship

XD the titan designs are one of the best things about AoT, in my opinion. You could make a gallery out of all the pictures of them that that have appeared in the anime and the manga so far lol

Oh, really? Hope you enjoy/ed the list then :D was it ok??? (Part 2 was intended to smash feels)

Sweet! That wasn’t so long ^^

I know you meant Voldy and Draco by the flower statement but...

I’m this close to finding a physical copy of the manga and throwing it in the fire while yelling ‘Lighten the fuck up’.

Gimme the Uta/Itori love child now, pretty please. Damn, that would be one attractive baby. 

And now I fear for my life. Great. Well, more for my hear than for my life, but whatever.

Well, I never really had a formed opinion on the 2CT theory, but I did read a few things about it. I didn’t expect it to be true, though. Welp, now we can assume it is true, and I am SHOOK Here’s an accurate description of me during the chapter.

I think that might be since he’s a tiny bit more similar to Vincent, while Our Ciel is more similar to Rachel. I mean, we know that there are physical differences between the two (if we assume that Real Ciel is the one who was previously Lizzy’s fiancé), because Real Ciel is taller than Our Ciel.

Yep, I definitely can’t wait to see where it’ll go from now. I remember seeing a post that said ‘This is the biggest shock to the fandom since we found out Undertaker was fuckable’

Also: Our!Ciel: three years ago I lost my dear twin brother to some cultists and a demon. Real!Ciel: Quit telling everyone I'm dead! Our!Ciel: Sometimes I can still hear his voice...

Oh, I see! I always think of OP as OverPowered, that’s why I got a bit defensive ^^;;;;;

Well, like you said, everyone has their own definition of OP.  Sometimes, I’ll even think of OCs who have trait that’s already specific to another character as OP, like Titan-Shifter OCs, or OCs with a plot basically the same to a canon character (not OP but very irritating) And don’t get me started on Demon-Contracted OCs in the Kuro fandom. Those make me want to defenestrate myself.

Yup, I have no problems with strong characters as long as they’re not ridiculously strong and aren’t there purely because of that power, but they also have personality.

Don’t worry, I reread my original statement about OP characters and was like ‘man this sounds so bitchy and high and might hnnnngh’ but couldn’t find a way to rephrase it properly ^^;; So, no worries, I know how you feel ^^

Well, for some reason, it seems that the people who make believable OCs are either lazy or scared to post theirs. Or they simply don’t care. The ones with Mary Sues like to holler at people with ‘LOOK AT MY BAE CHARACTER AREN’T THEY PERFECT???’

There’s this blog I follow (it’s gone inactive, unfortunately) that takes Mary Sues and breaks them down (well, the correct term would be make fun of, but they do offer some advice on how to improve them), and you wouldn’t believe the shit I found there.  Here’s the link if you want.

For some reason, people seem to think that the edgier the backstory, the ‘more original’ the character, which (of course) isn’t true, because that means everyone will have a super tragic backstory that no longer makes sense.  Another thing I’ve noticed is that they sometimes avoid some pretty important details like ‘Character was born into a healthy, happy family. One thing led to another and the family was killed, while character was molested (a very common backstory theme) and taken in by a cult’ and I’m like ???

My character usually start out like this: *luna is watching a show*  OK BUT WHAT IF THERE WAS A CHARACTER WHO-

And so a new character is born. 

But your ways of starting a character are also quite interesting ^^ Especially by looking at an outfit!  I ALWAYS WANNA LISTEN TO YOU RAMBLE ABOUT CHARACTERS! 

Titans make me laugh, honestly. Like, these are supposed to be the main bad creatures? Steampunk zombies (kabaneri) look scarier than that.

It was the hulk smash of feels :-))))

[itsmyonlydaytobefancy]

Hi I need advice bc I am conflicted and a bit sad (11.16?17)

Hi this is me still talking and being more extra

(for those who don't know, more of my feelings and back story can be followed at #itsmyonlydaytobefancy or #journal on my blog whoops)

So like,hhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

I just like!!! The more I think about him! The more I want to either pursue! Or abandon! I would be broken with a rejection, but what if he wants to continue a relationship with me??!?!?!?

I kinda don't want to give up such a great opportunity.

He seems so perfect!!! He's a music boy! He likes the same music and he PLAYS music too! Guitar to be exact! Maybe more! (I know he used to play trumpet lol) so cute! I love music!! He loves special intelligent music (Sorry for sounding like a snooty music expert but I'm really passionate about music and stuff whoops) and I play music too and I like the same kind of music aaaaaaaaa

he's kinda sad and knows what depression feels like (not that I want a wreck, but he understands what I feel sometimes.) and he deals with a good amount of anxiety would he knows what that feels like too

He loves driving! Even if it's a two hour drive he seems totally unphased!! Like he could just be super gentlemanly but like, I offered him at least some gas money and he refused!! Several times!!

Speaking of gentlemanly stuff, he paid for everything!! Both dates!!! Like, I like everything to be equal BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I S W O O N AT CHIVALRY LIKE THAT. JEEZ. Like I said, I offered to give him gas money but he refused! And I tried to get us at least waters at the movies and he refused and then told me okay and then at least last minute he said no, he wanted to pay BUT I WAS TOO QUICK WITH GIVING THE CASHIER MY CARD A HA!

He lives biology! I love biology!! I wanted to go into biotech and he's going into biotech!! He loves and is p passionate about it! Like that's so cute!!! He talked to me about a big experiment project he was doing and it was so interesting!! He doesn't talk super big words (he says he dumbs things down a lot but it's mostly for himself lol) BUT I REALLY FEEL THAT). I know he's really smart! And I believe in him and his abilities even if he Doesnt fully!!!)

He's a cute tall boy! I didn't expect him to be so tall! Or cute!!!! (OR PERFECT WHOOPS)

After deleting my bumble account (the platform I started talking to him on), about a month later he friended me on Fb and said he'd be in town and would like to grab a coffee!! (Obviously, my desperate ass said yes. I trusted him tho. He didn't seem creepy to me! He was unlike a lot of other boys I talked to before. We just really connected!! And then I found out he was a bit away and I figured he wouldn't be interested). And it seemed like we hit it off though!!! Like he actually cared enough to find me on Facebook and go on a date with me! Two dates!! Two hours away from his house!! Four hours driving here and back!!!

When we got yo my house he asked if I wanted to take another ten mins talking and driving and I said "Y E S". SO we went around talking for another H O U R +. Every time we came close to my house he would say "another ten mins" or " One more go around" and stuff. Like he really cared and wanted to keep talking. But then the end of the night came. I called it. I knew he had a long drive back.

And so we did a hug. And then another hug. And another! And i smooched him on the cheek and he said "oh no, I knew something like this would Happen." An I was like O H. N O.

He went on to say that he's going through a lot(Which he is :( poor boy ) and that he might/probably wont respond to my messages quickly (if at all). And he said that it would be hard because we're so far away (roughly two hours away :(((( ) and we both seem to be having trouble in school and it might be bad for us to have a distraction like this (I mean I'm taking a medical leave bc I fucked up so bad but I totally get the pressure he's under).

BUT STILL!! I FEEL LIKE I MIGHT BE BEING SELFISH BUT I REALLY WANT TO BE WITH HIM AND HE MIGHT WANT TO BE WITH ME? BUT I'M NOT SURE SOMEONE PLS TELL ME WHAT THEY THINK. I FEEL LIKE MY FRIENDS ARE GIVING ME TOO MUCH CONFIDENCE OR SOMETHING.

Ughhhhhhhh someone pls. Pls tell me what to do. Like,I feel such a strong connection with him