#i mean i'll get support when i ask for it but there's always another crisis to make me feel sidelined

[kiralamouse]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Saturday linkdump, part the sixth

On September 12 at 7pm, I'll be at Toronto's Another Story Bookshop with my new book The Internet Con: How to Seize the Means of Computation.

On September 14, I'm hosting the EFF Awards in San Francisco.

I usually write this blog 5-6 days/week, but every now and again, I take a break, and when I do, I get massive link backlogs of stuff I want to write about, but lack the time to address in depth. When that happens, I turn my Saturday edition into a linkdump. Today, I present the sixth in the series – here's the other five:

https://pluralistic.net/tag/linkdump/

Why was I offline and away from my blog? I went to the dirt rave. Yes, I was one of the 70,000+ people stuck in the mud at this year's Burning Man, and when I emailed my editor at the New York Times to say I might be late on the op-ed I was working on, she asked me to write about what this year's mud crisis meant:

https://www.nytimes.com/2023/09/06/opinion/burning-man-flood-playa-climate-change.html

tl;dr:

Bad weather is normal at Burning Man (it's a feature, not a bug);

Mostly burners leapt to the occasion, which is what people almost always do in disaster situations;

This is the second Burning Man heavy weather year in a row;

The climate emergency is tipping the Black Rock Desert from "extremely challenging" to "impossible";

This isn't the last event, place and tradition that will have to be radically reconsidered in light of the climate emergency;

But now I'm home, in my hammock, with all the laundry done – just in time to leave again. I'm about to head back to my hometown of Toronto for a book launch. The Internet Con, my latest nonfiction (from Verso Books) came out last week, and I'll be appearing at Another Story Bookshop on Tuesday:

https://anotherstory.ca/events/29283

Internet Con is a "Big Tech disassembly manual." It explains how Big Tech got so big (lax anti-monopoly enforcement, which led to regulatory capture, which let Big Tech abuse our privacy, labor rights, and consumer rights), and how we can use interoperability so it's no longer Too Big to Fail, nor Too Big to Jail:

https://www.versobooks.com/products/3035-the-internet-con

You can read a long excerpt from the book in Wired, which lays out some of the shovel-ready legislative, regulatory and technical proposals that are the book's main purpose:

https://www.wired.com/story/the-internet-con-cory-doctorow-book-excerpt/

You can also hear me read the whole introduction and first chapter of the audiobook on my podcast:

https://craphound.com/internetcon/2023/08/01/the-internet-con-how-to-seize-the-means-of-computation-audiobook-outtake/

That comes from the audiobook, a DRM-free, independent edition that I financed, produced and narrated myself. You can get the audiobook everywhere except Audible, Apple Books, and Audiobooks.com, all of which have mandatory DRM policies. You can also get it direct from me:

https://transactions.sendowl.com/products/78992826/DEA0CE12/purchase

The DRM-free ebook is available everywhere ebooks are sold (Kobo, Kindle, Nook, etc), as well as in my own DRM-free ebook store:

https://transactions.sendowl.com/products/78992801/9C4FC2B8/purchase

Verso's books are sold in bookstores around the world; you can support your local bookseller by buying it through Bookshop:

https://bookshop.org/p/books/the-internet-con-how-to-seize-the-means-of-computation-cory-doctorow/18771891?ean=9781804291245

If you'd like a signed copy, there's stock at Book Soup:

https://www.booksoup.com/book/9781804291245

Now, it was inevitable that I would do a book event for Internet Con in Toronto – I've never had a bad event there, and I love my hometown – but the timing of this event was driven by a non-book-related factor. Talking Heads is appearing together at TIFF, to support the re-release of Stop Making Sense, the greatest concert film in human history:

https://pluralistic.net/StopMakingSense

People often ask me what my favorite book is, and I always tell them that you should never trust people who have one favorite book, as it inevitably turns out to be The Bible, The Fountainhead, or Mein Kampf. But while I don't have a favorite book, I have a clear and unambiguous favorite band.

If I was forced to listen to no music other than Talking Heads for the rest of my life, I would be perfectly happy. Ecstatic, even. Throw in David Byrne, Tom Tom Club and Casual Gods and I probably wouldn't even notice anything missing.

There's a running joke among my Burning Man campmates that whenever I'm in charge of the music, I'm just shuffling Talking Heads rarities, and whenever someone puts on anything else, I demand to know which Talking Heads album it came from. Which is all to say: I have tickets for the Talking Heads event at TIFF and I could *not be more excited.*

Continuing on the Canadian theme, one of the annual highlights of Canadian media is the Massey Lectures, a series of public lectures given around the country and rebroadcast on CBC. These are always great, but recent years have been superb – Ron Deibert's 2020 series was unmissable:

https://pluralistic.net/2020/11/10/dark-matter/#citizenlab

This year's Masseys are shaping up to be the GOAT. They're presented by Astra Taylor, an activist rock-and-roller turned documentary filmmaker who is one of the founders of the Debt Collective, fighting for student debt cancellation. Everything Astra does is amazing and her profile on CBC Ideas gives some background on the role that unschooling played in making her the powerful activist she is today:

https://www.cbc.ca/radio/ideas/astra-taylor-interview-2023-massey-lecturer-1.6959320

There's no question that things are messed up right now, but Astra and people like her shine out like beacons of hope. 17 years ago, self-described "democracy nut" Tom Stites gave one of the seminal lectures on the role news media play in democracy:

http://citmedia.org/blog/2006/07/03/guest-posting-is-media-performance-democracys-critical-issue/

17 years later – and from his perch as editor at the essential International Consortium of Investigative Journalists – Stites presents us a long-overdue, extremely pertinent followup: "Building Civic Energy is the Goal, Not Saving Old News Business Models":

https://banyanproject.coop/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/Hope-College-speech-for-Banyan-website-1.pdf

Stites's intervention is extremely timely, because policymakers all over the world have made the mistake of thinking that Big Tech is stealing the news media's content, which is absolutely untrue. It is good, actually, to index news stories and let people discuss, quote from and link to news stories. News you're not allowed to talk about isn't news, it's a secret.

But Big Tech is stealing from news. They're not stealing content – they're stealing money. The Google/Apple duopoly rakes 30% off every subscription payment collected in an app. The Google/Meta duopoly rakes 51% out of every ad-dollar (and maintain that death-grip through creepy, privacy-invading surveillance ads). Meta and Twitter hold social media subscribers hostage, forcing publishers to pay to reach their own subscribers.

We don't want the news to be Big Tech's partners – we need them to be Big Tech's watchdogs. "Link taxes" and other profit-sharing arrangements between the media and tech cut against the civic energy Stites wants to build.

(You can read more about this – along with policy prescriptions for halting Big Tech's rent-extraction from the news – in "Saving the News From Big Tech," my EFF white-paper:)

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2023/04/saving-news-big-tech

If your spirits are lifted by stories of principled activists achieving important – and improbable – victories, you could do worse than to attend the EFF Awards on in San Francisco Sept 14 (I'm the emcee). This year, we're honoring Alexandra Elbakyan for her founding of Sci-Hub, the Library Freedom Project and the Signal Foundation:

https://www.eff.org/awards/effawards/2023

In more activist news: Mozilla produced a startling and astoundingly good – if demoralizing – report on the state of digital privacy and security in the automotive sector:

https://foundation.mozilla.org/en/privacynotincluded/articles/its-official-cars-are-the-worst-product-category-we-have-ever-reviewed-for-privacy/

Entitled, "It’s Official: Cars Are the Worst Product Category We Have Ever Reviewed for Privacy," the report reveals just how absolutely terrible the automotive sector is when it comes to privacy practices, collecting (and selling) (and giving away) information about your sex life, your geneology, your genetic characteristics, and your smell (no, seriously).

Their recommendations for which new car you should buy boil down to "don't buy a new car." I have been urging consumer research groups to release a report like this for a decade. There are whole categories of gadgets – like, say, "smart speakers" – that are unsafe at any speed. At a certain point, reviewers need to have the guts to say that every manufacturer in an entire sector is a dumpster fire and they should all be dragged in front of a firing squad – or at least a Congressional committee.

Cars, after all, are nightmares of privacy invasion and rent-extraction, the source of autoenshittification on a massive scale, a mobile form of technofeudalism:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/07/24/rent-to-pwn/#kitt-is-a-demon

The fact that cars score so badly on privacy is especially ironic given the campaign Big Car waged against the 2020 Massachusetts Right to Repair ballot initiative, in which car manufacturers held themselves out as the defenders of driver privacy from unscrupulous third parties who couldn't be trusted to handle the vast troves of data your car collects with every hour that God sends:

https://pluralistic.net/2020/09/03/rip-david-graeber/#rolling-surveillance-platforms

This is a familiar refrain: monopolists often claim that any check on their absolute authority over their users will expose those users to privacy risks. Apple has run a global ad-campaign claiming this, and while Apple does prevent Facebook from spying on iPhone owners, they also secretly spy on those customers in exactly the same way that Facebook used to, and lie about it:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/11/14/luxury-surveillance/#liar-liar

It turns out that giant companies just aren't good proxies for their customers' interests, and that the power they amass through monopolization shouldn't be counted on as a source of user safety. Monopolists won't reliably defend user privacy – that job belongs to democratically accountable regulators. That's an argument I developed in detail with Bennett Cyphers in our EFF white-paper "Privacy Without Monopoly":

https://www.eff.org/wp/interoperability-and-privacy

That is, rather than getting privacy by "voting with your wallet," you need to get it by voting with your ballot. "The market" is an election that you vote in with dollars, which means that the people with the most dollars always win. When there are zero cars on the market that are safe to drive, you can't vote with your wallet by buying a good one.

On a related subject, the DOJ Antitrust Division has brought the most important tech anti-monopoly case of the century, charging Google with monopolizing search:

https://www.nytimes.com/2023/09/06/technology/modern-internet-first-monopoly-trial-us-google-dominance.html

Part of the DOJ case turns on the fact that Google goes to extraordinary lengths to keep you from every trying another search engine, paying out more than $45 billion every year to be the default search on every device, program and service you might use. In other words, Google spends entire Twitter's worth of dollars every year, lighting it on fire to keep you from finding out about rivals.

Google argues that this is fine, actually, because these are only defaults, and users can dig through their settings to change their search engine. Sure, Google – and the first 20 search results you serve are only defaults, and it wouldn't matter if you were ordered to put them ten screens down, because users could always scroll to see them.

But search defaults aren't the only way that Google locks in searchers – and then harms us by invading our privacy. Google's ubiquitous Chrome browser ties Google's search to Google's invasive, nonconsensual, total surveillance. Chrome turned 15 this year and Google made a huge PR splash out of the anniversary:

https://blog.google/products/chrome/google-chrome-new-features-redesign-2023/

But all that puffery conspicuously failed to mention that Google had quietly rolled out its long-discredited, new surveillance technology, FLOC, which it pretended to kill in 2021:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/04/22/ihor-kolomoisky/#not-that-competition

FLOC is back, rebranded as the Topics API: this is a system for spying on you so advertisers can target you. Google is spinning this as a privacy improvement because it might someday replace "third party cookies," one of the creepiest web surveillance systems.

But as Ron Amadeo writes for Ars Technica, Chrome is the last major browser to support third party cookies – both Safari and Firefox block them by default. So Google is basically saying, "We are going to improve your privacy by changing how we spy on you, even though all our competitors don't do this kind of spying at all":

https://arstechnica.com/gadgets/2023/09/googles-widely-opposed-ad-platform-the-privacy-sandbox-launches-in-chrome/

This kind of gaslighting, where Google pisses in all our mouths and tells us it's raining, is the hallmark of a decrepit, arrogant, crapulent monopolist that needs to be shattered in the courts. Kudos to the DoJ for doing the people's business here – and kudos to DoJ antitrust boss Jonathan Kanter for promising that he will not go into corporate law when he finishes his stint in government.

The DoJ isn't the only public agency that's serving the American people. The FCC just announced proceedings to force cybersecurity labels for "smart" devices:

https://www.fcc.gov/consumer-governmental-affairs/fcc-proposes-cybersecurity-labeling-program-smart-devices

This is long overdue, and it's a welcome action from the FCC, which was hamstrung for years because cowardly Democratic senators joined with homophobic, libelous Republicans in blocking confirmation hearings for the amazing Gigi Sohn:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/12/15/useful-idiotsuseful-idiots/#unrequited-love

After years of abuse, Sohn bowed out. Now, Anna Gomez has been confirmed to fill that fifth FCC chair, turning the FCC into a fully operational battle station:

https://www.fiercewireless.com/wireless/senate-votes-approve-anna-gomez-5th-fcc-commissioner

The fact that there's all this great stuff going on in the administrative branch is easy to lose sight of amidst the circus of federal electoral politics, in which Donald Trump has retained his role as ringmaster and chief distractor.

Thankfully, we have expert Pantsless Emperor skewerers like Ruben Bolling around – his latest Tom the Dancing Bug revives his brilliant Calvin and Hobbes-inspired Trump gag:

https://boingboing.net/2023/09/06/tom-the-dancing-bug-a-calvinesque-and-hobbesian-look-at-taking-a-mug-shot.html

Well, that's me signing off for the weekend – I've got to pack for my flight to Toronto. If you're looking for more weekend fun, check out the trailer for Fractured Veil, the video game my old pal Chris DiBona has been working on for seven years and which is heading for Steam early access next month:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjNd3QQnENU

Just watch it. I mean. Wow.

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/09/09/nein-nein/#everything-is-miscellaneous

Image: Roel Schroeven (modified) https://www.flickr.com/photos/roelschroeven/45413895

CC BY-SA 2.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

[maxwellatoms]

Congratulations, one of your characters made a cameo appearance in my midlife crisis!

This takes a little time to explain, but on the art web site FurAffinity, living users are represented with a tilde, while living impaired users get an infinity symbol in front of their names. I was at a low point in my life when I drew this, and thought about what would happen when the Grim Reaper eventually closed the loop.

Anyway. This was supposed to be for questions, so I'll ask one. The career of an animator seems to be nomadic... they'll spend some time developing a series for Cartoon Network, then move to Disney, then migrate to Nickelodeon, only to return where they started (cough cough CH Greenblatt cough).

Any reason, or reasons, why this happens? Honestly, I have a difficult time understanding why anyone would go to Nickelodeon to start a show, given the way so many artists have been treated by the network in the past. Do all the networks act like this?

Just curious. Thanks for your time, and for the years of entertainment.

You guys look great together, but no loop closings please!

Gotta bilde the tilde, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, yeah... Animators all know that Other Studios have Other Problems. It's not at all uncommon to hear someone say, "I'm about ready for new problems".

I spent most of my career (until the wonders of the recent mega-merger) at WB, so I've really only known WB problems (with a light sprinkling of Disney Troubles). I've asked friends like C.H. Greenblatt and Jessica Borutski about the long-haul at Nick, so I have a basic idea what the culture is like. But if I land at Nick in five years, it could be a completely different set of circumstances and maybe even a completely different set of employers.

I know maybe three studio execs with solid careers who've spent the majority of their time at one studio. Most of the time, the low level executive track is even more of a meat grinder than the creative track. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that the middle-management meat grinder is the cause of the creative meat grinder.

The job of an executive is to make impressive decisions that dazzle their superiors and shareholders. If you've just been hired to replace someone and have inherited a stack of 32 animation bibles in various stages of development with assorted creators, are you really going to just continue going through that pile? I mean, you're replacing someone for a reason, right? So probably better just to toss that whole pile of animation bibles in the trash and start again. Because you're going to look like an idiot if even a single one of those fails. And if it succeeds, it just makes your predecessor look smart, which steals some of your shine. So you axe those creators and all of their support goes away and the cycle begins anew.

During my career, these executive turnovers (and the following creative turnovers) happen about every four or five years. With a little luck, it takes (in my experience) about two years to get a show through development to pilot, and then another year to decide if it's going to be a series. In short, there is precious little time where a creator/EP can interface with and rely on a competent executive to champion them. If you don't have that, you're not going anywhere.

I'm not sure how anything gets made. From the inside, development is always trickle-down sweaty desperation. I guess somehow, every now and then, a neurodivergent 23 year old slips through the cracks and makes a kid's show about The Grim Reaper. It could all be luck.

There are definitely execs who love animation and have made it their life's work. But there are also people who just got into the business as, say, a personal assistant and hasn't watched an animated cartoon since they were six, but suddenly find themselves in control of many millions of dollars worth of IP. There are execs who think of entertainment only as a commodity and who literally don't understand why creatives feel so passionate about "just cartoons" but will remind you "how lucky you are to work in entertainment" if you ask for a raise.

In short, the problems are usually management related. And those problems are mostly the same across studios, with the occasional Infamous Despot you want to avoid at all costs. The good news is that said Despot probably won't last five years.

There are perks at the different studios too. Proximity to decent food. Occasional amusement park passes. Friday morning bagels. The sort of stuff that hopefully nobody is taking a job specifically for.

At the end of the day, there are three or four big studios we can work for. There are also a smattering of smaller indie studios which... make content for those three or four other studios anyway.

The long and short of it is that there's just not a lot of choice where we can work or who we work for. We definitely talk to each other and the studio culture does weigh heavily when you're deciding where to go. Assuming you have the luxury of choice. It all kind of sucks, and it all kind of sucks in the same way. But sometimes you get bagels.

Stay Frisky!

[ineffabildaddy]

6, 8, and 21 for the soft asks <3

omg hiii hehehe

6. say three nice things about yourself (three physical and three non-physical)

oh god okay, physical: my tattoos are sick, my beard's coming along nicely, and ermmm i'm stacked in the back lmfao

non-physical: i try to be a friendly person, i'm very organised and clean at work which i'm proud of, anddd i'd like to think i know a good amount about music

8. tag someone (or multiple people) who make you feel good

this bit's gna be long so i'll put it under the cut dlfjlkdg

@raining-stars-somewhere-else he's an inactive king atm but he's my bestie and i love him<3 so so hilarious and observant and talented and kind. he's my dude and he means a lot to me go away

@sad-chaos-goblin i feel like i can be totally insane around you and you'll get on my wavelength immediately, it's amazing dlkkkljgfjkld. also i feel really lucky to be friends with someone so well-rounded and driven and fun, not to mention compassionate<3 i'm really really lucky to have met you and i hope we get to do irl adventures in the nearish future!!! until then we're great friends from afar!!!

@omens-for-ophelia we're just perfectly matched for our headcanons and kinks and shit and i absolutely love it. u get me, i get u, we get each other on this front and on many others!!! ur an extremely nurturing person too. i also love having u around bc ur full of fun facts and passion and energy, and of course ur art is absolutely incredible, i'm scratching at the walls just thinking about it dklkjldfgjkl. can't wait to create more absolutely feral works of crowley and aziraphale [redacted] in various ways hahahhkshjdf. and also hopefully have some london hangouts soon<3

@queer-reader-07 of course i've gotta mention ya because you're one of my fave blogs! i feel so warm and welcome reading all your posts and tags because you're a very lovely individual, and you've also got so many valuable things to say and i really look forward to seeing your takes on everything<3 also as i said before ur a very funny person and i enjoy that heh. i always get so excited when u pop up in my notifs i'm like little old me????

@foolishlovers bestie your writing makes me so happy but chatting and things makes me even happier<3 you're a really enthusiastic friend to have and you've got so many wonderful qualities that i just wanna share the love as much as possible hehe. i'm very glad we're doing shhh it's a secret together and that we've become close in general uwu

@crowleyslvt ur a little lad who's always got something hilarious and insightful to say about literally anything i come to u with, whether it's fkn silly memes or an existential crisis lol. you have such a unique way of looking at the world and i really enjoy it. also having a giggle with u is always top tier and on top of that ur a very supportive king<3 and of course u writing's delish at all times in any context

@voluptatiscausa i can literally tell you my most redacted thoughts and you'll be like yeah this is just another day at the office dkffjddgl. you're a silly and goofy guy (gn) who's simultaneously very easy to open up to which is always a comfort<3 the fact that we both like mitchell and webb makes us collectively Not Like Other Girls and we need to capitalise on that more tbh. also i greatly enjoy ur writing ofc

@bowtiepastabitch you're jokes. also we're very different and yet somehow the same brand of fucked up which i love<3 the lore could not be more disparate but the vibes could not be more immaculate. pls continue to be my friend smh

some more legends i love @crowleyholmes @fearandhatred @crowleys-bentley-and-plants @celestialcrowley @sabotage-on-mercury @quoththemaiden @ineffable-rohese @crawley-fell

21. if you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?

probably this - one day you're going to start sticking up for yourself, i promise<3

[hel7l7]

hey there, been following you for quite a while now and never told you that your art just... hits really hard, right where it should. I'm struggling with bpd as well, and I want to ask you, but I don't even know what would I ask. I just feel so disconnected from everything right now, especially people, and I need someone who understands so I want to think you're the person who understands. anyway. how does it feel? how do you deal with it? is your skin ever comfortable? do you ever know how to talk to other people without thinking and feeling too much? do you know how to talk to yourself and not feel like a stranger? what does feeling feel like? do you think you'll ever be able to love yourself exactly for what you are? do you ever just need to lay down on the ground and tell yourself as much times as it takes for you to believe it that there are moments beyond this one (and this, too, shall pass)?

sorry if this is a bit incoherent and too much... I just need to ask. sending lots of love your way

Dear anon, I hope you still see this even though my reply came a little late. My heart goes out to you. Because I understand your questions, I feel you. I really do. I hope you feel a little less alone in it all knowing that I’m here, rooting for you. If I can make these little steps in the healing process, then so can you. You’ve got this. Stay strong. <3

The whole bpd diagnosis is a wild ride. How do I deal with it? Through art. Through therapy. Through talking with friends. Through trial and error. 

I don’t really talk about this very often, but I’m unemployed and unable to work or go to school at the moment. So I deal with it but I'd love to be able to do more… Every time I try to pick something up I often end up finding out it is too much for me and ends me in crisis. (note: all of this is currently more bcs of my ptsd than my bpd) It’s a process of trying and figuring it out. I believe I'll get there, it has been better at times, and it has been worse at times. Currently I’m working a very very low level “job” that I really like. Which is going quite alright so far. It’s only a few hours every week but it is better than nothing.  Please note that I’m not happy with this situation, I would love to be able to work or go to school. My country has a pretty well working system in which I’m glad to be able to rely on resources when I’m not well enough to support myself financially. 

Is my skin every comfortable?  Yes. It never was before. But it has become easier. It really has become easier. I feel everything deeply still. The good and the bad. But it does get easier. I’ve grown more accustomed to my own needs and that really helps. You’re not less worthy or less of a person because you have bpd. Bpd often stems from trauma/childhood/the past. Figuring out where my behavior was coming from helped me find better ways to cope. 

Do you ever talk to other people without thinking or feeling too much?  No. Lmao. I wish I could give you another answer. And I think this might be different maybe for other people with bpd. ( I mean I’m only one person so it’s not like my answers are The Answers. Everyone has a different experience. )

For me, interpersonal contact is the hardest part. Always has been and maybe it always will be. I’ve become better at not acting on my thoughts and feelings. I’m often just very scared or anxious about things. But tuning out to those thoughts and focusing on other things (distraction) works very well for me when it comes to the anxiety around it. 

But there’s much more about this subject I could explore. I think my whole journal-art-chaos-page just comes down to me struggling with connection/people/myself. 

How do you know how to talk to yourself and not feel like a stranger?  By practice. By endless practice. Tell yourself the things you’d tell a friend. Sometimes when I’m very overwhelmed I try to imagine someone I love or someone I look up to sitting next to me and try to imagine what they would say to me. Or I ask myself what I’d say to a friend in a similar situation. Getting that kind-spoken dialogue going in my head often helps me set an example for how to talk to myself and help myself through this situation. 

What does feeling feel like?  It’s the best and the worst at the same time. I feel the highest highs and the lowest lows. Maybe this is different for everyone but I’ve always loved it. When I was on antidepressants for a while I got very frustrated because I couldn’t feel the way I was used to. I experience intense love, happiness, awe, every positive feeling you can think of. And much of the time that counteracts the deep lows. 

Do you ever think you’ll love yourself exactly as you are?  Yes. I’ve come to realize there’s no other way. I can push myself to be someone I’m not but it does never really change who I am. Even then I’ll still be myself, trying to be someone else. Which never actually stops me from being me. 

I struggle with this. Sometimes I don’t want to be who I am. This mostly comes down to me not wanting to accept that shitty things happened to me. I don’t want to be that girl. I don’t want to face those things. 

But in the end I can do whatever I want but I’ll never be someone other than myself. I can fight myself and keep pushing all my feelings down, I can neglect myself, hurt myself, hate myself, I can do all these negative hateful things towards myself. It will never change me. It will never make me someone else. 

So what else is there to do? 

I’ve tried neglecting myself. Never made me happier. I can’t do that to myself anymore. I’m who fought for me the hardest. In the end I was the one who was always there. I was the one who tried to survive when I thought I couldn’t.

Loving myself makes my life easier. And it’s a ride. I don’t love myself all of the time. And I still struggle to accept parts of myself that I wish were different. But I mostly wish I was able to give myself more love earlier. I mostly wish I hadn’t had to go through all that pain. I wish I never felt like I had to hurt myself to survive. ( Inner child work did help me with this a bit.) 

do you ever just need to lay down on the ground and tell yourself as much times as it takes for you to believe it that there are moments beyond this one (and this, too, shall pass)?

YES. All the time. It is very overwhelming to live in a world so intense while feeling everything so intensely. The good thing is that till now every moment I’ve ever thought I couldn’t go on, I still did. I still could go on. Even when I thought I couldn’t. 

The hard moments do pass. In the end everything will always keep changing. The good, the bad. It is all temporary. Which is the only fact we have. But it does get easier to deal with it all. 

It really fucking does. 

16 year or 18 or 20 year old me wouldn’t believe where I’m at now in this all. There’s much more steps to take, but I’ve also come from very far. 

Dear anon, I hope you still see this even though my reply came a little late. My heart goes out to you. Because I understand your questions, I feel you. I really do. I hope you feel a little less alone in it all knowing that I’m here, rooting for you. If I can make these little steps in the healing process, then so can you. You’ve got this. Stay strong. <3

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #25

Have you ever had pork soup dumplings? They're kind of like wontons, but they're filled with minced pork with seasonings and pork broth. They're REALLY GOOD. Here's a picture of what they look like; it's a random image I got from the internet - a place called Omnivore's Cookbook:

They're one of my most favorite things to eat. We went and got some today. I wished that I could share them with you. As always, I am sad that I cannot. And unfortunately… I do not know how to make them, which means I don't have a recipe to give to you this time. But I wanted you to know that I thought of you all the same, and I wished you could be around to enjoy them with us. I wish I could share with you all the delicious things that I know about.

Today I also ate a vegetable soup, because I can't only eat protein all the time, haha. The soup was made with a clear vegetable broth and a wide variety of things - carrots, little baby corns, bean sprouts, a couple of different kinds of mushrooms, bok choy and broccoli. Very nutrient dense, which is good because I've been stressed out about various random things, haha…

Worried about you, naturally. Worried about a few of the people in my immediate social circle. Worried about my planet at large, and the climate crisis that looms doomishly, and all the wars going on. Worried about my place in it all, wondering if I should even bother to keep breathing, given how little there is I can do about anything. And more, of course. It all swirls in my head endlessly. I wish I could make life just a little better for the people around me, somehow.

But I don't have phenomenal power like you do. All I've got is a friendly disposition, a desire to help, and a bunch of really weird random glitches in both the construction of my body and my mind that limit what I can do. I can write and write and write love and hope into the void, but in the end, no one is gonna see it, really. And of those who do see it, fewer still will think it's worth a damn.

…Maybe that's not true. Maybe I'm just a little dejected. The person from Australia that I've been trying to stop from offing themself asked me today, indirectly, if I'd send nudes of myself; the notion was that they'd be "more likely to get up and get that water [for themself to drink] if [I] sent them pictures of a… certain variety…" …Sigh… I'm autistic and all, but autism and stupidity are not synonymous, and I really wish that people would speak with integrity instead of in ways that enable them to escape accountability via plausible deniability.

Although I could never even begin to fathom asking another human being for such a thing, I still don't think there's inherently anything wrong with asking for this sort of thing (especially if they can take "no" gracefully), but… given that this person does not respond to my pleas to eat food and drink water and sleep, and given that it seems like conversation with this person has all but dried up, I can't help but wonder if they think that this sort of thing is all I'm good for; the world at large seems to treat people with a female-esque body configuration as though that's all they're good for (that and making sandwiches and generally being servile…), and it's very… discouraging. How does one decide that my mind, my ability to care, my ability to converse, and my pleas to tend to one's self properly aren't worth anything, but then ask to see me uncovered? How does one value a person's physical vessel, but not the mind that it carries? I'll never understand it.

Well, it is what it is. All I can do is continue to be kind while setting and enforcing healthy boundaries. There will always be people coming along to test those boundaries; it's up to me to remain steadfast, and to seek support if I feel unsafe.

Incidentally, I'm really glad that when Tifa was the guide at Nibelheim, instead of playing to Zack's sexism ("Oh no!! We can't let a fragile GIRL be the guide!!"), you quickly shut that shit right down by saying she'd be fine as the guide so long as care was taken to protect her, since she wasn't a fighter. You don't judge what people are capable of by their age or their bodily configuration, and I think that's very refreshing. Thank you for being yourself.

I know you're over at that Edge of Creation place, but… all the same… are you tending yourself properly? Hydrating? Remaining nourished? Resting at regular intervals? Noticing and acting upon your needs, and treating yourself kindly? I wonder. I saw that you've struggled with these things in the past, especially when you're hyperfocused. I know this feeling all too well, because I struggle with these same things often enough. Tell you what - I'll work a little harder at tending myself properly if you promise me to do the same for yourself, all right?

And hey, you know? If you're ever in my neighborhood (impossible for a variety of reasons, I know… haha…), maybe we'll take you to go get some pork soup dumplings and some nice bubble tea, and then maybe you'll feel reinvigorated for whatever tasks still lie ahead of you. It'll be a good time.

I maybe ate a bit too much, and it's very cold where I live. So I'm going to sit in front of the fire a bit until my guts calm down and the chill in my bones disappears. I'll leave a little picture; perhaps somehow it'll banish any chill from your bones, too.

The world that I live in is rather hostile and frightening, so knowing that people like you can exist (in some way or another) is one of the things that gives me the courage to press on, despite the obstacles. As such, please stay safe, and don't lose sight of the fact that you are cherished by many for who you are, alright?

I'll write to you again very soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[apothiplatonic]

hello, i'm really sorry for asking this because you must get this a lot, but i'm still a bit confused about the idea of being aplatonic? to me it sounds less like an identity like aromanticism and more like... i don't want to say "an issue" because that's rude, but something that maybe shouldn't be happening? obviously you can be happy just with yourself, not everyone is really extroverted, but humans still need to interact with other humans to be like, mentally healthy. (that's been proven in studies). at best it sort of sounds like a neutral character trait, not necessarily an identity.

(i am asking this in good faith and i really want to understand- i'm aro myself, and i'm sure your experiences are real, i don't want to gatekeep or anything, i'm just genuinely confused & want to understand!)

you're fine, don't worry! this is actually the first ask i've ever received here. and i'm sorry if you sent this a while ago; i use tumblr on my phone's web browser and have to manually check for asks.

i think the biggest gaps in our respective understandings of “aplatonic”, just based on your message, are:

0. some aplatonic people have friends, or want friends, and use the term because they don't feel platonic attraction and/or they struggle to form friendships. most modern definitions of aplatonic will point to those two things, after all! a lot of these friending apls have found aplatonic terms useful for explaining their complicated feelings about platonic relationships, and helpful for navigating their friendships. this only applies to some aplatonic people, and it's often used as our only defense, so i'll focus on other things here, but i would be leaving out a lot of apls – maybe even the majority – if i didn't at least mention this.

1. friendship is not the only way of interacting with, and connecting with, other humans. i'm on the aro and ace spectrums, but i have a long-term partner i live with, and family members and coworkers who i interact with. lots of nonfriending aplatonic people will still seek out social interaction, often in groups that talk about topics they're interested in. one of the reasons i use the word “aplatonic”, and post here at all, is to push against the idea of friendship as a default human connection, or something that happens automatically when you're around someone enough.

2. even if someone is very isolated, and doesn't want any sustained human connection at all...i think that's fine, and it has historical precedent. hermits, anchorites, stylites, partially-eremetic monks, and all kinds of other recluses...through much of our recorded history, for a variety of reasons, some people have lived alone. many of these people lived in a much more complete solitude than nonfriending apls today – and even then, few of them managed to have absolutely no social interaction. some would have visitors, or people who brought them meals, or shopkeepers they met when they went into town for supplies. something happening frequently in the past doesn't mean it's good, but in this case it does suggest there's a kind of natural tendency towards it in some humans.

3. i don't think we should put too much weight on what psychology and the social sciences say is “normal”, anyway. there's a huge replication crisis in scientific research, especially in those fields. there are also studies showing people in romantic relationships are, generally, happier...and that obviously isn't true for a lot of aros! there are nearly always outliers in studies like that, even in the most well-done and rigorous ones. i completely believe social isolation is harmful for most humans, but the keyword here is most. and the kind of studies you describe usually focus on involuntary solitude; chosen solitude is much different. most apls aren't very isolated at all, so this point might not be as important...but if there's an aplatonic hermit somewhere in the woods who hasn't talked to another person in years, i support them.

4. there is “something wrong” with a lot of us, and that's fine. the term “aplatonic” was coined in 2012 by an alloromantic ace who theorized his experiences were caused by parental abuse, so that sort of thing has been woven into aplatonicism since day one. some people attribute their aromanticism to neurodivergence and/or trauma, too; for many aroapls, both of those identities will be tied up in it. i'm traumatized, and i'm schizoid, and both of these things interact with my aplatonicism. someone's self-concept, and their words for themself, can very often be tied up in their unusual experiences and their suffering. i don't think that makes any identity illegitimate.

if i've misunderstood any part of your ask, i'm sorry, and i'd be happy to adjust my answer. i'm also leaving out a lot of details and caveats to stop this post from being too long – and with ask length limits, i'm sure you had to do that much more than me. i agree with you that aplatonicism seems a markedly different thing to aromanticism and asexuality, and fits less comfortably into an “orientation” framework, but i wasn't sure what you meant by “neutral character trait” vs “identity” here and didn't want to assume. if you have any questions, need any clarifications, or want to elaborate on what you've already said, feel free to send a followup and i'll answer when i can. (i also welcome asks from anyone else, especially other apls; i'm only one person, with weird experiences, and i don't speak for the community.)

[amane-by-together]

Hanafuda || Amane Yugi

(Part 2 of 10)

genre: fluff, school, slice of life, modern au (where all wonders live)

warnings: cursing, grocery puns

summary: amane yugi spends his school days skipping classes until he meets [name] [surname], a student from the other class, who was also skipping classes and eventually the two of them formed a platonic friendship. cutting classes and playing hanafuda together strengthens their friendship but soon unexpected feelings blossom between the two.

[name], for the first time in weeks, finally decided to take just one class for the sake of her attendance. In Amane's case, he almost forgot where he was seated but thankfully he remembered that he sat behind Yashiro Nene.

“Why the hell do I have to go to class, cheese and fucking fries.” [name] grumbled under her breath. “Just one whole class for this day and the rest I'll skip,”

“[surname]-san!” [name] frowned at her guy classmate (or does she even remember him) who was standing in front of the entrance blocking her way. “It's a rare thing for you to come to class.”

“Mind your fucking business you person I don't bother to remember.” [name] wore a distasteful expression to the guy so that he will know that she ain't interested in playing with him. “First thing in the morning and I'm already pissed as hell.”

[name] lazily made her way to her designated desk and sits down. Everyone stared at [name], who was currently confused why they had their eyes on her. She suddenly became uncomfortable. “What?” she said in a cold tone. “The fuck are you all looking at?”

In fear, everyone turned their heads back and continued what they were doing. [name] rolled her eyes, she didn't have any time to deal with their shit.

‘I'm gonna go out after lunch, I hope Amane-kun was there, otherwise it'll be lonely...’ [name] rests her cheek on top of her palm, looking at the board with an unamused expression. ‘I've been hanging out too much with Amane-kun, if only we're both classmates—’

“[surname]-san.” [name]'s thoughts were interrupted by her teacher's voice. She tilted her head waiting for another word. “Someone wanted to see you.”

‘Who tf—?’ The annoyed female stood up from her chair, she let out a small sigh. Who would want to see [name] in the middle of the class? Well maybe that someone would return something to her, the thing is, she didn't lent anything amongst the hundreds of students in the school. Then, who could it be?

“Sir, may I ask who?”

“Yugi from Class A.”

[name] blinked. “P-pardon?”

“He wants to give you something.” [name] swore she saw the teacher smirk at her. The whole class looked at [name] again but this time they were mentally teasing her.

Tsukasa's eyes widened in pure shock, he glanced over to [name] and smiled brightly. “[name]-chi is Amane's girlfriend?”

And soon everyone started to fangirl loudly. [name] facepalmed really hard muttering “Shut the fuck up.” under her breath multiple times. Her ears started to burn because of embarrassment. “You all must be mistaken.” she chuckled nervously. “We're not dating.”

“Hmm, then explain why I always saw you two together during lunch?” Tsukasa asked with a teasing glint in his eyes. [name]'s eye twitched in annoyance now that the younger twin seems to be supporting the idea of she and Amane being together.

“Uh, can I go now?” [name] pointed at the door wincing to escape the situation. “I can't let him wait that long.” She walked out of the classroom and saw Amane waiting for her outside with his hands on his back. Was he hiding something?

“Amane-kun.” The said boy had his head perked up to her direction, [name] went over to him and shot her hand up. “Yo.”

“Why is everyone staring at us?” Amane pointed at his finger towards the group of classmates peeking over to the two teens.

“Don't mind them.” [name] swats her hand. “Anyways, why did you call me?”

Amane gave her a small paper bag. [name] blinked twice and gently grabbed the bag. “What's this?”

The choppy haired boy's cheeks turned red and started talking in pout while looking away. “It's a bracelet...” he murmured. “They're matching bracelets, I'm currently wearing mine.”

“You bought this for me?” [name] resisted the urge to hug Amane, if only her classmates weren't watching her. She smiled, pink dusted upon her cheeks. “Thanks Amane-kun.”

“I-It's no big deal, really, but I'm glad you like it.” Amane sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck while grinning.

[name] placed her hand on his shoulder, stood on the tips of her toes slightly and whispered something on his ear. “By the way do you want to skip classes after lunch?”

“I kinda plan to do that so I guess it's a yes.” Amane whispered back at her.

“Yeah, we're definitely skipping again.”

The two of them broke down in a fit of giggles as they pulled away from each other. “Hey [name], do you have plans later?” he asked.

“Not really, why'd you ask?”

Amane's cheeks started to burn again, he gained a little confidence and looked at [name] in a flustered state. “Well, why don't we go somewhere else after school? Just the two of us?”

“Of course.” [name] answered. Amane let out a sigh of relief and smiled back at his female friend.

“I gotta go back to class.” Amane patted her shoulder before dashing off towards his classroom. “I'll see you later!”

“You too,” [name] had her hand slightly raised up. She let out a small chuckle and looked at the paper bag. “Amane-kun, you really are a wonder...”

She quickly switched back to her aloofness and glared at her classmates. “The fuck are you all looking at?” she asked as her classmates hurriedly went over to their desks. “Honestly, when will they learn not to meddle in a private conversation.” she murmured right before she entered the classroom

“I don't fucking get this projectile motion.” [name] was in a state of existential crisis remembering the physics lesson that they tackled during class. “Did I really skip that much?”

“In my case I only understood Earth and Life Sciences.” Amane changed his school shoes and placed them inside his shoe locker. [name] waited for him, placing her hand on her waist and whistled a little bit. After that the two of them started to walk next to each other. “[name]-san, did you notice that everyone was staring at you?”

“You didn't think it was you who they were staring at?” [name] scratched her head, her silver bracelet was twinkling against the sunset.

“Nope.” Amane answered. “It's definitely you, must be because you're pretty.”

[name] lets out a weird sound of disbelief and shock. Amane stopped on to his tracks as he realized what he had said. “I-I mean, yeah you are pretty, n-not gonna lie t-though.” he stuttered with a blush forming on his visuals.

“S-sorry.” It was [name]'s turn to blush, she looked down on her feet as her bangs were covering her eyes. “I-It's just no o-one h-has ever called me p-pretty before.”

“I-I always f-find you pretty so...” Amane can feel his whole face burning like embers. The two of them made eye contact and it felt like time had stopped between them. “If you like, I'll gladly call you pretty everyday...”

“Amane...” [name] covered her whole face to muffle her words. She felt so flustered and she didn't know what to do. Amane averted his gaze from her and blushed. “Screw you—”

“I'm sorry but I'm not lying.” Amane cleared his throat, an evident blush was still on his cheeks. “Let's go to the mall, do you want to eat some donuts?”

“Yeah dude!” [name] tries to lighten up the mood so that it wouldn't be awkward anymore. To be fair, Amane was on the attractive side in her opinion, she doesn't really find herself pretty but people have different perspectives anyways.

[name] wouldn't deny it though, Amane has nice visuals and...hands, they looked really soft and warm, she sometimes imagine what would it be like if they held hands. Other than that, he is an affectionate and sweet, then he turns into a sadist and a tease sometimes. “I never got to ask you this [name]-san but are you going out with someone?”

“I never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend.” [name] replied. “No one really confesses to me at some point so basically I'm single, must be nice having one though..” she mumbles the last part.

“I guess everyone must be blind...” Amane muttered to himself before walking ahead, leaving [name] clueless, and then she catched up next to the choppy haired boy.

“Amane-kun, I hope you don't mind but I'm gonna buy some groceries along the way.” [name] puts her hands behind her back. “After that, we can get some donuts and roam around.”

“Sounds like a great idea.” Amane reluctantly agrees with her. [name] wrapped an arm around his shoulders and grinned as he uttered an 'oof' from his lips.

“I love your gift by the way.” [name] raised her wrist in front of Amane to show her that she's wearing the bracelet. Her eyes widened in joy and pointed out the matching bracelet around his wrist. “And we're matching~!”

But then [name] flicked his forehead. “Ow!” Amane held his forehead while slightly whimpering. “That hurts.” he pouted. [name] let out a plfft sound from her lips, she reached over to rub his throbbing forehead.

“That's for excusing me out of class and my classmates started to tease me that you're my boyfriend.” she chuckled, then she switches to an annoyed tone. “Then your brother called me Nee-san just to tease me.”

Amane stifled a laugh. [name] puffed her cheeks at him angrily. “Oi! It's not that funny!” she harrumphed. She looked like an angry pouting mochi rather than an angry person.

“Hmm~?” Amane cheekily smirks at the latter, he leaned next to her to continue teasing her. “Nee-san~?”

“Don't call me Nee-san you idiot!” An irk mark appears on the side of [name]'s forehead as she reached over to pinch his cheek. “Honestly, you're such a tease.”

“Only for you~” Amane ruffles her hair making it messier than it is. [name] sighed asking how the hell did she end up being friends with Amane who is one hell of a tease.

After a few minutes of teasing and cheek pinching, the two teens arrived at the mall. [name] and Amane went to get some groceries first. “All of these bananas but you can't even notice my peelings.” [name] faked a sniff while putting the bunch of bananas inside the basket that Amane was holding.

“I don't understand why you needed six cans of sprite, can't you buy 7up instead?” [name] silently wheezed as she smacked his shoulder, earning a laugh from Amane.

“Shut up, I don't have—thyme for that.” [name] puts some spices inside the basket. She grabbed some bread from the bread aisle. “I also knead bread too.”

“I also have a grocery joke but aisle tell it later.” Amane added while laughing. [name] bursted out giggling, clutching on to her stomach. “Okay we better stop, the old couple beside us were giving looks of suspicion.”

“O-kale then.” [name] and Amane entered one of the aisles. “Grate minds think alike.”

“Do you live alone [name]?” Amane asked all of a sudden. He doesn't know any much about [name]'s family or background, heck, he doesn't even know if she had siblings.

“I live with Yako-neesan and my little brother.” [name] places some products inside the basket. “Why?”

“Just asking.”

“You seem curious about my family background.” [name] laughs softly while putting two carton of milk in the basket. “My parents are both abroad, my little brother and I lived in Yako-neesan's apartment, which is our cousin.”

“You're an older sibling?”

“Well yeah,” [name] beckoned Amane to follow her to the next aisle. “Maybe you can come over and play with him, he doesn't mind talking to older guys.”

“Did I mention that he wanted to meet you though?” [name] tilted her head towards his direction with a pack of strawberries on her hand. “You two will definitely get along.”

“What was Tsukasa like in class if I may ask?” Amane asked again, sure, even though the younger twin has a life of his own, he can't help but to be concerned with him.

“How the fuck should I know?” [name] raised her eyebrows and tossed the pack of strawberries in the basket. “I skipped a lot of classes so I didn't really pay attention to Tsukasa-kun.”

“It's like you skipped a lot than I did.” Amane sheepishly chuckles but he deadpanned afterwards. “But I can't get a damn thing about Maths.”

“I think we crossed the whole list.” [name] tells Amane with a thumbs up. The two of them went to the lane with few people. [name] whipped out her wallet when it was her turn to check in. “Omigod. Do I really have to carry them all?”

“I could help you carry them.” Amane suggests. [name]'s heart suddenly skipped a beat, she nodded slowly meaning that she needed his help to carry them.

“There sure were a lot of people in the donut shop.” [name] sighed in a low spirited tone while holding the paper bag filled with donuts. Currently, Amane and [name] were eating donuts with their backs against the wall. “Here's yours Amane-kun.”

Amane took a bite of the plain donut and started munching on it. They were freshly cooked so that's why it tasted good. “So [name], are you going to class tomorrow?”

“I was gonna plan to attend one whole class in one week.” [name] answers while eating her cream-filled donut. Truth to be told, she didn't feel guilty about skipping classes, it was only her escape from pressure and stress in school. “How about you?”

“I guess I'll skip tomorrow.” Amane took out a piece of his donut and showed it to [name]. “Want some?”

“Sure. Thanks.” [name] opened her mouth waiting for Amane to plop the piece of donut inside her mouth. He blushed at the thought of his fingers might brush against her lips. Amane plopped the bite inside her mouth which [name] ate it gratefully. “Here have some of mine in exchange.” she says while handing him the donut.

Amane takes a bite of the cream-filled donut. He glanced over to [name] and saw that there's a bit of cream near her lips. “Hold on,” he pointed at her face. “Um, you got some cream on the side of your lips.”

“Huh? Here?” [name] pointed at her face. Amane shakes his head since she can't see where he was pointing. He sighed and reached over to wipe the cream off her lips using his thumb and quickly licked it.

Amane smirked slyly at her. “The cream does taste good.” he said in a playful way. [name]'s face grew red at the sudden action that he did, he decided to tease her a little bit so he moved his face closer to hers. “You seem a little flustered~ hmm~?”

[name] leaned back and averted her gaze from him. “Well, that looked like an indirect kiss.” she protested while pouting slightly. Amane let out a light chuckle and smiled.

“Sorry, I can't help but to tease because you're so cute.” He said with a slight smirk and he reached over to lightly pinch her cheek. “Your cheeks are red~”

“Ok, that's enough.” [name] pried his hand off her cheek and rubs it a little. Amane stares at her in a lovestruck awe, the way she blushes and pouts made him feel like he just wanna hold her protectively in his arms. “I finished my donut, let's get going now.”

The two of them got out of the mall. The skies were as pink overlayed with an orange color that the sun was setting. Amane stared at [name]'s hand, he blushed at the thought of hold it. “[name]-san...” he came to a halt.

“Yeah?” [name] said.

“Can...I...?” Amane looked down while mumbling incoherently. [name] tilted her head in confusion as he waits for him to speak. Amane must have looked like a strawberry right now. His eyes meet hers as he gains a bit of confidence. “C-Can I hold your hand?!” he asked with a hint of embarrassment.

[name]'s cheeks turned red at the sudden request. She stared at her own hand and then his hands, for some reason his hand looked warm. “T-that was a strange thing to ask, I'm sorry—” Amane swats his hand in denial.

“Sure...”

“I'm sorry, what?” Amane's eyes widened. [name] turned away from him and blushed intensely, he looks at her hand. “You don't mind right? Me holding your hand...?”

“Mhmm...” [name] brushes her hand against his so that Amane would know that it's okay to hold her hand. Amane laced their hands together, tenderly holding her hand. [name] can hear her heartbeat hammering inside her chest. “You really like being coddled, huh?”

‘Her hand feels soft.’ Amane looked at their hands linking with each other. ‘They fit so perfectly with mine...’

“Shall we continue?” Amane asked with a shy smile. [name] hummed in agreement as the choppy haired boy gripped on to her hand softly, grinning at the female. “Let's take you home then~”

The two teens started walking together hand in hand, feeling each others warmth till the tips of their very own fingers. Amane mumbled something under his breath.“I love you,”

“Eh?” [name] didn't quite hear what Amane just mumbled.

“I meant your hands!” Amane blushed that he accidentally slipped that out but thank god she didn't hear it. “I love your hands——They're really cute!”

“Well your hands are pretty much gorgeous than mine, you have long fingers...” [name] raised their intertwined hands together in front of Amane and smiled softly. “See, our hands pretty much fit together.”

“Yeah...” Amane smiled contently, hoping that this moment will never end. If [name] continues to act like this around him,

Then, he would most likely to fall for her even more.

-end of part 2-

thank you for reading, be sure to like and reblog if you love this part~!

taglist: @closetwaffle @closetweebsmh

[dellinah]

I made a new icon after 84 years bc I needed to vent I guess

It doesn't look THAT different from the old one but at least it's an anthro one which I've wanted for forever since that's usually how I imagine/portray Talita as she is literally me and unfortunately I'm a human instead of being a little fox with no care in the world LIKE I SHOULD HAVE BEEN

But instead I'm here worrying about burnout depression and my future so if you're only here for the furry art fair enough ill keep the rant in a read more

Anyway hi

I have absolutely not been doing well these past few weeks and I'd say some moments might have been close to being some of the worst in my life but I am so jaded by previous experiences that I barely notice how bad it's affecting me until it hits me at 3am and I can't sleep and I just realized I'm in it DEEP which makes me freak out even more

Apparently my way of coping with life and issues is ignoring them until the last minute and just repress the SHIT out of it until it hits me in the face (peak 'this is fine' dog meme) and that isn't working anymore bc now I am an adult whose actions have consequences

I have so much school stuff to catch up on bc I stalled a whole month that short of spending hours on end at it for the next month I don't see how I can catch up in time but my mental health does not allow that as I have been sleeping 15 hours a day and staying up all night and I am scared shitless of not making it bc I'm supposed to graduate soon so FUCK and i barely know how to start. I feel so dumb and left behind while everyone seems to have their shit put together and i canr ask for help without feeling like a parasite or like they'll judge me for it

I also have no idea what I want to do or how to go about life once I am graduated (if i graduate) and i hate it bc I am so godamn lost and I have like 2 months to figure it out

My mother has covid for the 3rd time somehow which means another wave of covid has been going on in my family but I guess I avoided that but I cant see them for a while and I also lost a 3rd person I loved and cared about to it a while back and I haven't even cried yet bc once again Im ignoring and repressing it

I had to take 2 shots at the same time for covid and influenza which knocked me out for 3 days straight and made me miss yet more school stuff and I haven't eaten an actual meal since bc I'm not awake most of the day anyway

My meds for anxiety and depression have started to have side effects after 5 or so years so fuck me i guess bc i gotta get them replaced which means a lot of trial and error and i dont have time for that rn bc once again im late as shit

I just feel like I'm falling apart and no one really knows or sees it bc I'm the one that everyone in the family goes to when there's a crisis and I kinda just wanna keep it that way but also I kinda just wanna break down sometimes too yknow but if I do then who will literally solve every problem they have bc they refuse to go to therapy and apparently nobody else can help them with anything it has to be me even when I'm busy otherwise I'm an ungrateful child

There's this weird paradox where everyone in the family sees me as immature and irresponsible and a liar but they also come to me for help and support bc GOD FORBID someone else helps them so I just dont wanna give them more reasons to see me as immature but keeping that image that everything is fine is HARD when I'm on the verge of giving up

Other than that I also have just been reflecting on past events in my life and I feel so bad about some of them. I had so many good friends that I lost bc we grew apart and I had some I lost bc I was a shitty person and I never got to apologize and I know I'll just always miss them. I was at such a good place mentally between 2013-2015 and I miss those times that I can never go back to. I was doing so well in 2018-2020 too before the pandemic wrecked it and now Im just so nostalgic for those times and I can't help but feel like I'm just gonna get worse and worse after so much lost time

But that's ok. I think it's going to be ok. I just need to kick my own ass

It's just a lot of damage control and getting over stuff even though it feels like days just pass by and I can't deal with it

So I sat down and drew this in a few hours bc I just wanted to finish something I started for once. I was happier with it before but I think it looks ok and it helped me figure out what I wanna change in my furry designs. and I guess I wanted to put myself in a sunny sunset where I'm just happy with nothing to worry about, yknow? If i cant be happy at least talita can

Hope days like that can come again soon. Problem is that it only depends on me. So... shiiiit

[syubub]

Hoseok soulmate reading

Let's get the disclaimer out of the way: This is for entertainment purposes only and shouldn't be taken as fact! This is my interpretation of the cards.

Oki. Before we begin I must say... I put this off as long as possible. For those of you who have followed me for a while, you know that hobi is THE HARDEST to connect with and tbh this was no different. I'll probably revisit this reading again at a different time (you'll see why)

So. To start things off... Hope has some.. strange(?) energy. His energy was really vague and weak. The color too is intresting because its 100% not a color I've ever seen and I'm not sure if something is afflicting the color of his energy? Its ruby red but also deep grey blue? Its really strange and honestly pretty but it doesn't feel like the normal color? The color is usually a nice red with some deeper hints but...Its usually a bit more... lively? It just feels dull right now.

It looks like this right now but with a little more red? Its really peculiar.

Now. Idk maybe some shit is going on with him right now? Or maybe bc there was a fuckin lunar eclipse in Gemini last night? Idk but the energy was a little.. hostile. That's not a bad thing but it kinda felt like he was being broody? Its all really strange but he was not very into the reading (more so than usual) blah blah he didn't want to talk and I asked some questions I probably shouldn't have and some stuff happened. Long story short his soulmate(?) Showed up and pushed our foreheads together so we'd have to connect.

I asked his soulmate if they could tell me what the fuck was going on and they said that they don't know him well. Idk if that means that they don't know him well on a soul level? I'll get into this more later but this feels like something that's already been concluded or comes back up from time to time.

"He's pretty closed off huh?" Yes soulmate. He is.

I asked for more info about them and they said May. I was like cool, is that your name or? "Nah" sick is that like you're birthday? "Not really" cool cool cool.

They did say that he deserves better than what he has. I'm gonna leave it at that but hobi is possibly going through some shit.

Now we can get onto the reading part. I do want to say though, this reading felt very disconnected and weird? Just like somethings off and I have a feeling that this soulmate is more of the "life lesson" type soulmate?

Oki. We have temperance, chariot, two of cups, queen of coins. This is a person who is definitely motivated and driven and 100% a business savy human. They are also very likely loyal and know how to balance work and play time very very well. Is well-off (or materialistic) lol. There's a very ride or die energy that tells me this person is the type of friend that will do anything for you but when you do stupid shit then you get a stern talking to. Idk why but it also feels lonely? Like they're on their own journey to find themselves and their path/happiness/self and if it doesn't fit in the wagon then it gets left behind. This person might move too fast and miss out on important things because they're always chasing after something. They take "its not the destination that matters but the journey that does" to a whole new level and they just never stop to enjoy the scenery bc they'd rather get the rush of newness.

As for their relationship. As I said before I think this soulmate specifically is the "life lesson" type and could definitelybe a platonicsoulmate too. The kind that provides you with an opportunity for growth. With the 5 of swords rev. I kinda think that this could be someone from either a past life or back in a less favorable time. The fool card to me makes me thin that this relationship provides a sense of being born again? Its that newness of having a new perspective and a whole new understanding of self. With the magician rev. Its about issues with communication i.e not being able to get across your needs and desires for both of them and a lack of energy to figure it out. I also feel like this was just something that they didn't fix and didn't want to fix. (I'm talking in past tense bc this reading feels like its someone from the past) This card also talks about deception. I'm not gonna go into this much. With the 3 of wands though!! Yay! This talks about progress and I feel like this points to them learning more and more about who they are and what they truly want. They're kinda like lines that were moving towards eachother, intersected and then continued going in their own direction. Its like this time together was formative in who they are as people and what they dream of! And with the father of cups it does seem that over all the relationship was/is (I don't know how to talk about this) relatively balanced and they had/have respect for eachother. This card specifically is about balanced emotions and emotional intelligence and I think that this is what they gain from this relationship.

Moving right along we have the oracle cards! Stand by you commitment, financial healing, unconventionality, socialize or join in and sensitive emotions. The flower cards are from hobi to soulmate and the others are from soulmate to hope. Now. Maybe his soulmate went through a failed business venture that they're recovering from or just general money trouble bc the whole world is being fucked over by a virus. Either way hobi is very strong in the message of commitment (that makes me think that its specifically about business or something they started but never finished) onto cards for Hope. He might kinda be going through the shitty times and his soulmates advice is to not isolate and celebrate himself more. He might be having some issues related to self image or a soul-identity crisis? Idk but hobi needs that good good self care and love.

Now the two unicorn cards. Those are also from his soulmate to hope about some personal shit and I will be leaving that out because its not my fucking business. (Hobi is fine don't worry)

Woo wee lets get on to traits! First for zodiac sign. Earth, fire, air. Possible Libra and Taurus placements.

Tiny cards. Light hair, dark hair, sweet, extrovert, hard working, tall, business oriented, loud, fate, sorry, open, faith, happy, wait.

First off I get brown hair vibes (maybe medium brown?)

The word cards sound like his soulmate trying to give him a pep talk so I pulled an affirmation card that says in stillness I receive. I think hobi is going through some soul stuff and I'm not sure if this specificly translates into his life right now (though I think it does and he's repressing it or hopefully he's sorting it out on his own privately)

Oki oki oki. Idk why but it also might be that hobi is doing work to heal his inner child? I honestly don't know whats going on or if its affecting him in his day to day life at this time but I want to come back and do this reading at a time that he might be in a better energy space?

Hobi is ALWAYS hard to read and its even harder when he's less open than usual.

I'll get another soulmate read from hobi at some point and see if I can catch a "future/current romantic soulmate"

I am confused 😕

Also!! I have a Ko-fi now! I'll drop the link here but its in my bio! Absolutely no pressure but its there for people who want to tip me and were looking for a way to support me! (Also, I'm not taking readings through ko-fi so please don't drop money and request a reading there.)

Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/syubub

[madfantasy]

Dear blogging

Hello dears, hope your doing well and safe; in the middle of this worldy crisis, may you kept from all the forms of its harm.

It's been awhile I have taken the time to talk, it's a bit of messy rant and stuff I found useful..

I've been too busy with lately, I feel I'm not putting out the tons of idea of hp related stuff I crave to do, wish to take others away with it from the chaos of reality or hope to inspire even by the tiniest measures, and find inspiration and allow it to take me away soaring in its wings..

Art does takes time to make, more importantly, a right or convenient frame of mind to do it. And I haven't been in one of those, tbh.

In any case, I wanted to keep this place, this blog, a safe haven for me and who likes to accompany me, and to share art and thoughts about it. But it seems it gets harder to do so, with life constantly interfering..

It's not the first time I go without net connection for months, it happens all the time because of my unstable life conditions. And I merely used the internet as a way to store my stuff.

But since I found solace, fond company, precious concern, and— actual life, the thought to leave was murdering. I mean, I'm still in awe at the way people reacted when I came just to say goodbye, supported me to stay.. I never knew humanity till now..

Even tho I feel, I have doubts.. if I'm really worth it, keeping me online, I try to do art as fast as possible, but I can't go any faster than days.. and that I wanted to save up for a reliable pc to do much more, now it goes for another bill we can't afford.. not to mention the annoying part about using net for me is that I always have to try as hard as I could not to get anything too obvious leading back to me—so my family wouldn't know about it and get in trouble— but in the same time trying not to be too anonymous so it wouldn't be stolen from me.

It seems it's all pointless, cuz both happened, and I can't help but think that I only harmed myself by splitting my work so much that it keeps leaving me in the shadows without benefits.

Other than that my art was being reposted (not shared, but downloading my art than re-uploading it to another platform without permission); mother saw Older Lover drawing (kissing) and stormed into my room, with a look ready to fry me, and asked me to delete it..

I've been so depressed since then, wishing not to be, to a point I was close to shut down all accounts, as the thought that I can never be free and not able to do something to better myself was smothering me.

But I know things will be better.. I woke up feeling less dead, heh

Like, I found a simple way to stream my art, even tho it's not much:

To log into discord on pc, and go to activity and add your drawing program as a game thingy, it will always detect it as a streamable game afterwards, and show a little button above your icon telling you you're able to stream it. You can go stream it into a server, and up to 10 peeps can watch it.

I was doing everything to do a team thing on twitch, but no luck so far.

Also found a program that speed up long drawing videos, called Oliver. It's free and I love it so far! It enabled me to do mini sketching videos and put them on Tiktok (I like it there only for the easy edit and music) can't do longer vids cuz again, pc has tiny memory.

And if you want to record your art, and using windows:

Push windows +g and Xbox recoding games thingy will show. You make it capture your drawing program and there- got your self easy non crashing screen recording app. One down side to it— no pause. So you'll sit there for an hour or two, and you better know what you'll draw without hesitation, hehe.

I think that's all, it's a result of days of googling and going through lots of free crashing software, I hope it's helps.

And I've decided I'm not splitting my art, safe or suggestive any more. I'll post them all here, and anything not safe will go under the [Read More] underlining thing. Cuz it's a tiring confusing mess on top of everything.

Bless your days with goodness, health and fortune my dears. I hope you well, always.

Good day!

Sun, 6:30 pm, 15.3.2020

(I'm wearing it cuz I'm sick and you could also imagine I'm not allowed to share my face or comfortable yet, so that's what's available for now, heh)

[barnesaintdead]

Pandora's Box Chapter One

Summary: Times have changed, great heroes were gone and all that remained was wreckage and lives to start over. After an alleged attack, Bucky is taken back to the past. With nightmares still vivid in his mind, he must choose between succumbing to fear or standing before it.

Warnings: smut, angst, mentions!abuse/rape/torture, +18

Word count: +1,200

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Mutant!OC

A/N: after Endgame, another Stark Tower was built in honor of Tony and everything he has done for the world. There are lots of details about him all the way in the new Tower. Also, I'm hearing Griss's soundtrack while writing this.

The first thing she noticed when her brain woke up was how cold her body was. The warm sunlight kissed her cheeks gently, seeping under her lashes and making her eyelids flutter open to a blinding white room. Observing her surroundings, she noticed she wasn't alone. A men was sitting next to her bed, a long forgotten book in his hands and low snores coming out of his parted lips. Her entire upper body ache when she tried to sit against the headboard silently. She stayed quiet, watching dust motes travel across the room in the early morning haze. It was a chilly one, for sure. Her last memories started to appear in quick flashes trough her head. She was sleeping peacefully when the first explosion startled everyone in the building, flames already taking over almost everything in the first round. And then a second and a third, and everything was chaos and smoke and her only wish was to crumble down with the building because, fuck, it was happening all over again. The the fourth explosion came, those strong arms that were holding her tight vanished in a split second and everything she knew was the hard ground and the iron taste on her tongue.

"Good morning, sunshine", the man greets, throwing her off of her reveries. He stretched his arms up in the air, joints cracking all the way.

"Why am I here?" She asked under a troubled look. Her eyes darted to the window. From that level, all she could bring up was the Statue of Tony Stark resting above the fountain, his hand aiming at something beyond the horizon. She was in the Stark Tower.

"You know why", Sam answered. "Pandora, am I right? Like in the files?"

The girl nodded once, her slender fingers tugging to the thin fabrid that covered her legs. The moment he called her by her codename, she knew she was doomed and he was already aware of everything she was and everything that was done to her. She wondered he knew a lot more than necessary when he swinged her personal diary in his hand before throwing at her side on the bed.

"I want you to see someone... Do you think you can walk?"

Pandora nods once more and start dragging her feet off the bed's edge, startling herself by the purple marks all along her skin. It wasn't a pretty view. The first steps were difficult, like the ones of a newborn doe, she would have fallen instantly without  Sam's support on her waist. Side by side, they moved slowly towards the room next door.

Once Sam pushed the door open, her entire body tensed as if the blood in her veins had turned into ice. With her knees shaking, she stammered unconsciously:

"Zim... Zimniy s-soldat..." [Winter Soldier].

In his bed, Bucky's head moved to the side and his eyelids fluttered seconds before open slowly. His movements were lethargic by the sedatives.

"Gotov soblyudat..." [Ready to comply]. He flashes a weak smile, his voice nothing more but a growl and he focuse his blue irises on the terrified girl. "Nobody have called me that in a long time".

"Yeah. I call him asshole", Sam scoffed.

Pandora, still petrified, let a diminish laugh scape before forgetting the excruciating pain that was rushing furiously trough her body and let herself collapse against the cold floor. Images of a long lost life before her freedom takes place, filling her mind and projecting painful memories that went straight trough her heart like daggers.‎ Fear hit her hard and suddenly she is out of breath and the floor underneath her seems to disappear. Choking and trying to collect herself hysterically from the ground, she end up falling back onto Sam's grip. He hugged her tight and hid her face against his chest without hesitation, hiding her. Pandora's entire body trembled to the point of chattering teeth, her knuckles already white from tugging his shirt between her fingers.

"It's okay, darling. Nobody's gonna hurt you", Sam assured, whispering with lips touching her hair. "I promise. You can trust me, can't you? I'm here with you, nothing's gonna hurt you".

Sam had seen many post-traumatic stress atacks, more so panic ones. He knew how to deal with it. With her. She was scared and feeling unsafe and probably triggered by whatever Bucky said to her in russian, kidding or not. The first thing he did was lift them both from the ground and place her small crooked figure onto the spare bad next to the wall and covered her with the biggest blanket he could find at the moment. He watched as she started to roll herself up in a messy coccon mode.

"Don't worry, Panda. I'm gonna be here with you. Just breath, darling", Sam is now stroking long caresses across the girl's back. Bucky who had been silent trough the whole situation looked at her fondly, but there was still a hint of pain or guilt in his baby blue eyes. He knew he caused her that crisis. It was his fault. He desired to erase himself from her mind for a moment.

Almost an hour passed until Pandora was stable again. Her muscles were slowly untwining and letting her breathe properly, full deep inhales and long exhales to soothe her aching throat. Sam smiled when she looked at him with teary, but thankful eyes, but he kept his hand in motion caressing her for a while, observing how relaxed she was once she saw that were no danger. Not in him nor in the room or in Bucky's presence. She was now laying with face half buried in the sheets. looking dead into Bucky's figure like she was studying him.

"Feeling better?" Sam finally asks, taking a step back from the bed. Pandora nods and looks at him. "I need to report to Fury and get you both some food. Think you can manage to be alone here with him for a moment?"

"I guess... Yeah."

"I'll be back in a second then. Distract her, Barnes, will ya'?"

Bucky waved at him and whitin a second Sam was out of their sight. The air tensed a bit with the sudden silence, she wasn't much of a talker, neither was him, but they kept the eye contact before Bucky broke the connection to take a look outside the window.

"What happened to you?" Pandora's voice startles him, making him let out a chuckle begore putting his attention back on her. She was more mature, it was visible, there were some new scars, but still the same soft, childish features. Her question was short but complicated. He sighed.

"A lot, after Hydra. They wanted me to murder Steve, but I just couldn't finish. He broke the brainwash and after that I started to remember. When everything crumbled down, I found a place to stay in Bucharest", He lost himself in his thoughts for a moment, looking at his metal fingers. "I started a routine, everything was about remember who I was and be invisible. Then, the enemies came... Zemo, he caused a lot of problems... Thanos and the war. I turned to dust when he snapped his fingers, but Steve and the others brought us back. We fought, we won. I'm very thankful for their help. Shuri, who erased Hydra's poison from my head. I wouldn't be nothing without them, probably dead by now".

"So did you nightmares stopped?"

Bucky remembered his times under Hydra control once again, a specific moment, when he was in a cage. The girl next to him helped him sleep trough his nightmares that day. Pandora helped him even tho she was just as scared.

"Those never go away. They're always there, lurking inside my head", He laughed. "The nightmares never were about the brainwash, but about what I did when I was their puppet".

Pandora's eyes went to the ground. She understood him, her own nightmares almost drove her crazy most nights. She abused sleep pills and alcohol, but not even that made them go away. They would be always there. Her heart sinked into her chest for a second and then she heart his voice calling again.

"What about you?" He now had turned his body a bit to the side, for her to look at his front. The sheet went down a bit, showing his marked skin, so many scars in a tiny piece of him. A cold chill went down her spine.

"I was always running. Everytime something would get out of control, I just ran away to another city, then another state, and another country until I end up in that apartament".

"Get out of control...?" He lifted his eyebrow and she licked her lips.

"The things like those explosions and the fire?" She let out a faint laugh. "I'm used to that happening all time. I bring disgrace to everyone around me and that's why you should let me get out of here as soon as possible. I wouldn't want to ruin your lives."

"You mean you started the fire? You caused the explosions?" He asked.

"No. God, no. I... I didn't do anything is just... It happens around me, like I'm cursed or have this terribly bad luck", she shook her head. "I would never hurt anyone".

Outside the room, Sam and Fury listened carefully to their conversation. They new eachother from another times and leaving them alone was the best idea Sam had to show his boss that the girls wasn't a threat. Fury continued to listen while reading the girl's diary carefully while Sam got out to get the food he promised. When he got back, his boss was watching both of Hydra's best agents talking about their periods of peace and chaos with his hands befind his back.

"You hungry?" Sam asked munching on a big piece of his own cheeseburguer before handing one in the other man's direction.

Fury refused with a hand gesture and handed over her diary. He need to know nothing more, that was more than necessary.

"We're keeping her".

"Excuse me?"

"Project 001: Pandora", Fury repeated slowly, with a mischievous smirk in his face. "We're keeping her."

[lovenotereminders]

Hey, I'm depressed as hell and I know my boyfriend would have his heart broken if I die. I don't want to live anymore though. How could I do so as not to hurt him ? Gonna see him for the holidays during two weeks soon and I'm happy at that idea but I'm not sure I could hold until seeing him again. I love him too much but I want to die too much. I swear if I survive, I'll marry this man but living seems a burden and I don't know what to do, please, help me. I trust you very much.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 

I’m afraid there’s no way to make it so that nobody will hurt if you’re gone - when people care about and love you, of course they’re going to be heartbroken if you aren’t around anymore, regardless of when or how you go, the same way you would be heartbroken if something happened to your boyfriend, regardless of the circumstances. Pushing them away before you do it doesn’t help either - it just makes you more isolated. 

That being said, I know that the guilt of hurting people isn’t a good motivator to stay alive - it just makes suicidal people feel worse about their urges, and I’m not into that method of trying to help people at all, because I don’t think it’s helpful. I find that focusing on the positives of the present and the potential of the future is much more helpful, no matter how small they are. I’ve talked about it a little more in this post that might be helpful to you, and this post I’ve reblogged talks about something similar. 

I know these times when it feels like life is just too hard can feel inescapable and suffocating, and it can feel like things are never going to get easier, but they do, and the first step to getting there is to ask for help. And I’m so proud of you for taking that first step to getting it by asking me for help! I know how hard it can be to reach out to others, and I promise you will never be a burden for asking for or needing that help. I believe that you asking me for help means that some part of you wants to survive this, even if the weight of the burden of life is crushing that part of you down until it’s really small. But as long as that little part of you is there, you can survive this. 

Now that you’ve reached out to me, I believe in you that you can keep doing that. Talking to your boyfriend about your feelings, even if it’s really hard, is another good next step - it’s important to have people who care about you who are aware of how you’re feeling, so they can help you. Friends, family members, significant others, etc. can all help support you, even if they’re far away, and talking about mental illness is a really important step to making sure that you don’t act on the urges it can create. Mental illness thrives by isolating us from  our loved ones, because it creates a cycle of feeling worse about yourself so you self-isolate more, which makes you feel even worse about yourself, ad infinitum. Having that support system instead of locking those feelings in and watching them spiral and get worse and worse as you get more inside your own head can make all the difference. 

Medical help is another important step, especially when things are as bad as you’re describing. There’s no shame in seeking treatment for mental illness, just like there’s no shame in going to the hospital if you fell and broke your leg. If you’re not already seeking medical treatment, I really strongly advise you to do that - speak to your nurse or GP, look for a counsellor or therapist in your area, and if you really feel like you’re in imminent danger of harming yourself, call an ambulance. 

If those options aren’t available to you, online free counselling services like 7 Cups of Tea are much more accessible, and a lot of resources about things like CBT are available online, through mental health charity websites and through platforms like youtube. If you’re in a really bad place, even if you aren’t actively suicidal, suicide crisis lines are always available to you - there’s a list of them here so you can find one that operates in your area. 

I would strongly strongly advise you to take advantage of every resource available to you. They’re there to help you, and you deserve that help. I believe in you that you can keep reaching out for that help, and that support can get you through this dark time. This part is the hard part - the part where you don’t feel like you can see a way out, but it doesn’t stay like this forever. The help you reach for will teach you how to cope with those bad times, how to keep the bad thoughts at bay, how to retrain your mindset and adopt a healthier and more positive outlook, and with time, things won’t be so bad anymore. They’ll be easier, and that future with your boyfriend will become more and more achievable until it’s not the future anymore; it will be the present. 

You can get there. Thank you so much for your trust, I’m always here for you if you need me. I believe in you so much, you deserve to survive this 💖

[chooserecovery]

I have major depression, but my mom refuses it. I self harm al too much and im afraid of recovery if that makes sense. Idk who I'll even be. Im not allowed to see a therapist acc. To my mom. Im not allowed meds. I have anxiety attacks, especially at church. My mom doesnt care. Do you have any advice or am I just a lost cause? How do I stop? How can I get better? Im so confused.

You’re not a lost cause. There is always going to be an opportunity to try to improve things in your life and to help yourself cope in less destructive ways. There will always be another chance, as long as you are alive, to try to make things better. Even if you don’t feel like you can get all the way there right now.

It makes perfect sense to be afraid of recovery. With self harm being largely used as a coping tool, stopping can feel like throwing away your life raft when you’re in the middle of the ocean. And things like mental illness affect so many aspects of one’s life that a lot of people end up feeling like it’s all that they have. Even if you’re not at that stage, when something affects so many of your thoughts, actions, and abilities, it’s hard not to feel like getting rid of it, in this case recovering, would be like completely changing who you are as a person. And it’s pretty normal to be scared of change. 

I’m assuming that you’re a minor or otherwise reliant on your parents. It’s a crap situation for the people you’re relying on to be unwilling to help you to seek the help that you need. However, you are presumably not always going to be in this situation. You will be able to get out of there and seek help if you feel like you need to. But in the meantime, here are a few things that might be able to help you cope:

First off, if you feel an anxiety attack coming on, try things like grounding exercises. One that frequently seems to end up being people’s favorite is to try to name things that are affecting each of your senses at that moment. For example, if I were to do it right now it might sound like, “I can feel the rub of the fabric of my clothes against my skin, hair brushing across my ears as I turn my head, and the weight of my body in my chair. I can hear jazz music from the living room, car doors slamming outside as the neighbors are coming home, and the clacking of my keyboard as I type. I can smell leftover pizza and smoke from the incense burning next to me.” 

You can go on for as long as you need to, giving items for every sense, etc. You can do this out loud, in your head, or write it down on paper. It is very effective for many people in helping redirect attention to the present moment and off of whatever train of thought the anxiety is going down.

Alternately, if you’re near a sink, sometimes splashing cold water on your face can help to stop an anxiety attack by engaging a different part of your brain.

Another thing that can be helpful for some people is to try to acknowledge that you’re feeling anxious. A lot of people, when trying to stop an anxiety response, will just try to do their best to stomp it down. Often that doesn’t do much of anything. Instead, sometimes just looking at that thought and going “Yes, okay, I see that I am feeling this way, but I am going to do this other thing right now, and I can worry about that later” is actually enough to let you refocus your attention onto what else you need to do.

Of course, doing things like noticing before the anxiety really starts can mean paying more attention to your thoughts than a lot of people are really used to. Every once in a while, try to just do a quick checkin on what you’re thinking about and what you’re feeling. You may even consider setting an alarm to remind you to do this. Once the alarm goes off, just spend a minute or two trying to consciously look at what you’re thinking about, what you’re feeling in your body, etc. This can help you get a better feel for where you are mentally and if you might need to take a minute to step back and calm yourself down before things get worse.

If the anxiety attack has already started, then sometimes being able to get your breathing under control will allow you to end it quickly. There are different variants of breathing exercises, and you can also find videos and images on the internet that give you a set rhythm to breathe to so that you won’t have to try to keep count yourself. Personally, I’ve found in for a count of 4, hold 7, exhale 8 for a few rounds o breath has been super helpful, but different ones seem to work better for different, people, so tr poking around on the internet and try a few to see how they work for you. As you’re doing this, you may also want to try mentally scanning your body; odds are good that the anxiety is making you tense up most of your muscles, which also reinforces those anxious feelings. If you can consciously try to relax your muscles, it can sometimes take some of the power away from the anxiety.

I’ve also personally found it helpful to try to redirect all of my focus onto the physical sensations of anxiety. I don’t know if this is commonly a helpful thing or if I’m just abnormally interested in how bodies work, but rather than letting myself get carried away by the panic-spiraling thoughts, I’ll instead pay attention to how the increased pace of my heart feels, or what areas of my body seem to feel warmer or cooler than usual, what areas of my body are tense, etc. It’s similar to the suggestion above of tring to list the various things that you’re senseing, but instead of focusing on outside things, it is focusing specifically on what is happening in your body. 

You may also want to see if certain objects make you feel a bit more comfortable. From the way that this ask is written, it sounds like you don’t have much of a choice about going to church or into other triggering environments. However, if there is anything that makes you feel more safe, then it may make thos environments more tolerable. This could be something like a fidget toy for example, or long sleeves which often seem to help. You know yourself best, so you’d have the best ideas for what might work for you.

Finally, for the self harm, usually it seems that the self harm happens because of some other need that isn’t being met, or feeling that isn’t being addressed. In your case, it may be a way of dealing with the anxiety, in which case finding other ways to cope with the anxiety may help you decrease the sef harm, as well. Other times it might be because you just need to feel better, in which case you may try something that would cause an endorphin release (exercise, eating chocolate, eating spicy food, trying to find something that will make you laugh) or something that makes you feel comforted, like a bath or watching an old favorite movie.

In general, just try to learn to pay attention to what it is that you need. Sometimes certain feelings can be so overwhelming that it’s hard to see past them enough to see what it is that we actually need, but as you get more practice at it, it gets easier to figure out what you need to do.

Also, consider setting up a space online where you can talk about what you’re going through. There are various online communities for people who self harm, etc. where you can have ongoing conversations and often act as a sort of support group for one another, which many people find very helpful.

And if you feel like you are in crisis mode, here is a list of hotlines that you can call. They aren’t generally great long-term solutions, but if you need someone to talk to immediately, they’re generally available.

Good luck, anon. I hope you find something that helps,

–Luke

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: Heyo boo Ali: thanks for Rocky wrangling with me today, you're now also his fave so, add that to your tally Carly: its k i had fun Carly: hes a cutie & cool kid Ali: me too Ali: yeah, he's alright, but cocky enough so I ain't telling him Ali: dunno where he gets that from 😏 Carly: ha Carly: yea idk Carly: no clue Ali: i'm sorry Ro was being off btw, I'm working out why but trust it wasn't you, babe Ali: been neglecting her lately, everyone wants a piece of me Ali: hard life Carly: idc its me too Carly: nobody wants a piece but you Ali: I just told you that ain't true, and Rocky is ruthless, he called one of my customers a 'big bum witch' the other day Ali: no tip for me, thanks dickhead Ali: but I want all of you regardless Ali: willing to throw hands Carly: aw Carly: this town is full of big bum witches tho Carly: my ma back for one Carly: but are you willing to use those hands for good too or Ali: awks if that was your Ma, like hey gurl, I think you rock it Ali: your daughter ain't bad either Ali: you know it, IOU 'cos we couldn't make like we were in the backrow of the cinema Carly: unless she been lying about where she at i think youve avoided meeting the in laws again Carly: k cuz you kno i need to collect soon Carly: bored Carly: just back and zoned out so fast Ali: ain't even got exciting stories from their galavanting? fucking rude Ali: at least when we go AWOL we also go wild Ali: make things happen, lads Carly: my ma's good for nothing but hairspray and peroxide Carly: only use if i get beat up again Carly: my da's good for cash tho if you wanna get wild w me Ali: or you wanna single white female me Ali: which would be a disappointing outcome to say the least Ali: can't tonight babe, I've gotta have some sister time Ali: go hard for both of us Carly: k Carly: try not to miss me bad when shes talking about me Ali: oh babe, she will not, and if she does I'll set her straight Ali: gonna let the world know you're my 😇 Carly: whatever her issue shes gotta air it and youre her sister so you gotta hear it Carly: idc shes not gonna hurt me w it Carly: and setting peeps straight is the opposite of how you do, babe Ali: true Ali: idk what issue she could have though, you're a literal ray of sunshine Ali: true again 😏 Ali: ugh, imma miss you Ali: maybe i can sneak out when she's gone to bed, the 'rents too Carly: i miss you now Carly: cant hear my parents say shit Carly: i just wanna talk to you Carly: dont tell me maybe & keep me waiting tho Ali: i will Ali: promise Carly: i dont wanna make trouble for you Carly: w anyone Carly: you can stay w her if you need to stay Ali: You won't Ali: I can do both Ali: be back before first light Ali: even if I'll miss watching the sun rise on your face 😔 Ali: we've got the night, baby Carly: but you kno if ive got you for the whole night youre gonna fall asleep Carly: thats what im good at Carly: feel free to tell your sister thats why you like me ha Carly: fun & tiring its magic Ali: hmm, we'll see who wears who out first, babe Ali: and if I am that husband, then you'll just have to wake me up with morning sex like the good little wifey you are 😘😂 Carly: always bringing that confidence i like it Carly: k but if my parents wake up too you can explain its a duty thing yea i had to like Ali: i like you Ali: for so many reasons and imma show you all of 'em tonight Ali: fuck that Ali: stay out with me, its warm enough Ali: i'll trace all the constellations out with my tongue so you won't ever forget Ali: educational Carly: my ma is asking me what im blushing about Carly: i told her what you said but she's not a believer Carly: support my education bitch Carly: ha Ali: i mean, i'd offer to let her see the benefits for herself but Ali: not gonna win me any brownie points 'cos she won't take me up on it Carly: she dont kno what she's missing but i do Carly: wish you were here Ali: me too Ali: start the party without me babe, i don't mind Carly: too late if you do Carly: gotta get through this reunion some way Ali: they aren't making you watch a slideshow, are they? Ali: fate worse than death Ali: Maybe you could go to Ronan's? Lmao, he's been up in my pussy way too much since he found out about us...didn't think we were THAT loud but ok boy Carly: yea Carly: might do cuz same Carly: but what if i miss you he can really make a night of it when he wants Ali: Nah, I won't let you face that disappointment, babe Ali: my spidey senses will tingle like not on my watch, fuckboy Carly: aw Carly: you gonna come get me? Carly: thats no way to get him out your pussy babe fyi Ali: yeah Ali: I know but I like the idea of showing you off as mine Ali: but no sharing, he only gets to watch and be mad he fucked it up Carly: i like it too Carly: youre hot when youre oneupping fuckboys Carly: i thought i knew how to do it best but k youre flipping the script Ali: as long as i'm besting them i'm doing my job right Ali: gotta keep you on-board Carly: speak of the devil Carly: how he know i was alone & horny Carly: my parents have only gone to the shops its uncanny Ali: know your neighbours but bit stalkerish, pal Ali: i'll text him to fuck off, freak him out Ali: how does she know, ha, two can play this game fucko and I'm more committed Carly: ha Carly: you gotta Carly: hes smoking im gonna bum one see what line he tries to lay on before the text sends Ali: On it Ali: gotta let him know there's a queue to court the princess now and he's at the back, soz Carly: he likes hitting it from the back he wont be put off Carly: im gonna show him some of the hot pics i took of you tho Ali: when is he ever tbf? 🐶👅💦 Carly: true Carly: that fucking cute tho aren't i Ali: you know it babe Carly: hes talking to my da now Carly: kill me Ali: how fucking dare he Ali: knowing he has the upper hand with the man bants Ali: i know how to change a tire too! love me! Carly: if my ma invites him in for tea im out of here Carly: she will think hes hot under the collar for her & bitch thats my groundwork Ali: Run baby run Ali: what kinda moron is he tho Ali: coulda had a private show if you just waited, now its all saturday night telly and flat lager Carly: you kno i have nowhere to go if you dont want me babe Carly: facts Carly: he likes me now he cant have me what a fucking Carly: like i wouldve fucked you but im not getting w you Ali: i do, is this full sos crisis mode though? 'cos i need to be good for a lil while longer yet Ali: such a typical bloke move that Ali: bet he ain't the only boy in ur inbox, not a pun Ali: 'cos he ain't in mine like 🙄 Carly: its k your sister needs you Carly: i can keep walking Carly: loads of other lads on site as well as in my inbox Carly: & they arent trying to say hi to me before we get down to it nevermind my parents Ali: 😾 Carly: why so sad blue eyed boo Ali: i don't like how lads treat you Ali: i'm not jealous, like swear to god, even though i obviously want you all to myself, i get it Ali: but i'm not about how shit they are to you, even if you don't care, they should care to be decent humans Carly: thats not lads its everyone Carly: youre the only one treating me different Carly: they dont know how else to be Carly: made my bed babe Ali: nah Ali: you don't deserve half the shit you get, that's bullshit Ali: and even the rest, people just don't wanna try to understand or be good, heaven forfend they inconvineince themselves for one second, like Carly: if im a slag im a slag i dont get to put conditions on it Carly: if it was a film maybe Carly: but theres no romance coming my way from theres and i dont want it Ali: why can't you just be you? someone who likes fucking, among other things Ali: not romance just like...not being a cunt Ali: idk Ali: pisses me off Carly: cuz you don't run the world even tho you strut it like you do and i love it Ali: not yet, babe Ali: one day, and you can be my right hand woman Carly: yea? Carly: take me w you & ill take you to all your fave places k Ali: k Ali: we'll be fun forever, I promise you Carly: gotta be Ali: you know i like you even when you ain't tho Ali: don't tell Carly: who would i Carly: ronans got enough for his wank bank & nobody else is chatting to me rn Ali: exactly, ruins the illusion and fantasy when they realise i care about you Ali: so unsexy of me Carly: youre sexy to me Carly: idc what they think Ali: good Ali: me either Carly: i like you too you kno Ali: yeah Ali: i had my suspicions Carly: i dont have any subtlety sorry about it Ali: Don't be Ali: I love it Ali: not enough people say what they mean or want, ever Carly: waste Carly: k i wasnt shouting how bad i wanted to kiss you before i did but not cuz i was bothered about me Ali: agreed Ali: sometimes you can't know you want something until you've got it Ali: i get it Carly: you get me Carly: its weird Ali: 🔮 Carly: ha Carly: k what am i thinking now Ali: wouldn't be proper to say Ali: tut tut bad girl Ali: like how you think though Carly: fuck Carly: youre good Ali: 🤷 don't mean to brag but remember that phrase you'll be screaming it later Ali: such a Ronan line, I can't 😂 Carly: but true Carly: not like when he says it Ali: 😍 Carly: what you doing w your sister Carly: gotta live through that cuz bored Ali: Fixing my weave Ali: getting into a white girl dread territory over here Ali: then gonna do some 🔮 forreal Ali: get ready for me to be even more of a know it all baby Carly: cute Carly: tell me my future i got some shit from another neighbor & im waiting for it to kick Carly: hows it gonna treat me Carly: needing a good trip Ali: we'll see who gets the answer first Ali: you got anything for me? Carly: yea Carly: they mystery but i kno you arent scared Carly: & you got me doing a test run rn lying on here on the grass Ali: 🌌 be there before it fades away my space explorer Carly: if you find me at a bad end prob dont take it Ali: is one of the lads trip sitting you Carly: so he reckons but hes drinking so theres no trust Carly: & he gave me it Carly: his game could be me lights out idk Ali: keep texting me, okay babe? Ali: if shit gets too real, tell me and I'll come early Ali: my sis is cool now, she gets what we're doing, she was just confused Carly: aw Carly: youre sweet Carly: you told her you like me Ali: 'course I did Ali: I ain't ashamed Ali: I'm proud Carly: youre gonna make me cry Ali: You're special, Carly Ali: You're gonna see Carly: I just wanna see you tho Ali: Me too Ali: I'm gonna make her some chamomile tea and then I'm coming, yeah? Carly: but thats not fair to her Carly: she's not gonna be a fan of me Ali: I've promised her more time tomorrow Ali: You need me rn Carly: but what if i want you to stay Carly: what are we gonna do then Ali: i'll stay until you're ready for me to go Carly: you mean that? Ali: yes Ali: promise, imma take care of you Carly: but theres nothing in it for you Carly: youve already got me you dont have to Ali: i wanna keep you Ali: and not just selfishly Ali: you gotta stick around, you're too cool to go anywhere, okay Carly: k Carly: im here & if you wanna be im not stopping you Ali: good Ali: i wanna be wherever you are Carly: i kept you pills back the lads didnt want me to but idc about them & you can follow me in now Ali: fuck them Ali: just me and you Carly: yea Carly: ill look after you too Ali: 😇 Ali: i know, i trust you Carly: idk if you should Carly: but i like it Ali: willing to take my chances Ali: you're worth it Carly: thats you Ali: i'm so glad i met you Carly: me too Carly: not that i met me thats weird Carly: you know what i mean Ali: i got you Ali: not high yet 😉 Carly: id seen you around before you guardian angel'd me that night Carly: thats weird too Carly: that i didnt see you how i do now Ali: it is Ali: you were always cute but Ali: idk, i can't claim to have seen this in my crystal ball Carly: thats cuz i wasnt cute i was a state Carly: & youd have more likely seen me sucking ronans dick Carly: look away babe you dont need to have that image in your mind Ali: don't need him reckoning he plays part in any of my fantasies, nah Ali: you can't not be cute, no matter how you try, soz babe Carly: you can't not be so sweet to me can you Ali: dunno Ali: not tried Carly: idk what id do if you did Carly: i got used to it Ali: got no plans to stop Ali: unless you ask me to, like Carly: thats not gonna be what i ask you to do Carly: trust me Ali: you can tell me all about it Ali: 5 minutes, tops Carly: okay

[sassmill]

Another love letter I'll never send

Because I'm having a Bad ™ night and it feels better to send this off rather than keep it in a journal I don't know exactly what it is that I'm feeling for you right now. All I know is that it's making my chest feel funny, and I was fine a couple of minutes ago eating with my friends but now I am not fine. You've been creeping into my head all week in the sneakiest places. I didn't expect you to show up during a presentation about career paths, but suddenly there you were and I couldn't hear the presenter any more. All I could think about was you. Not even in a lustful way, just about the idea of being with you. Being able to enjoy your physical presence. It's such bullshit because I never asked to feel this way and out of nowhere you feel like a punch in the gut. I never asked for this. It makes me feel so damn sick and dirty, which is fucking hysterical because I've always been the one with the supportive family who never had any personal crisis realizing my sexuality. But you? You're another story entirely and I don't know what comes next. I want nothing more than to be able to share my life with you and to be able to love you but for some reason that want makes me hate myself. I thought I was over the self loathing thing, but I guess if our situation never actually changed it's silly to think my feelings would have. Maybe I'm a little too optimistic, but sometimes when I wake up in the early hours before my alarm and before the sun, I just lay there in the dark praying that these feelings will go away. I'm not someone who prays a lot. I just want to be able to feel normal, but what I feel can't be normal if it's something that people are so disgusted by- even though straight people say all the time "age is just a number," I know that that's one of those things that's never the same when it comes to the gays. It disgusts me. I think about your husband, and then it makes me hate myself more. I have no claim to you. I never have. Yet somehow, when I haven't seen you in months, I miss you like I did the first night after I said goodbye. It wasn't a forever goodbye, it was a summer goodbye. An only-for-awhile goodbye. But I thought that it meant I would get over you, and I was wrong. I was reading something earlier (if you want to know, it was a Grace and Frankie fanfiction), and I was shaken from head to foot with the realization that I don't think I can live without you. God, I know that I can never be with you the way I need to, but just having you in my life is enough. I don't want to live if you're not a part of it. Maybe that's melodramatic, I don't know. But the fact that I read those words in the story and suddenly couldn't breathe means that something within me at the deepest level knows that they're true. Anyway, When I'm not paying attention my mind turns to thoughts of kissing you and pleasing you. Just getting to be with you. I want to hold your hand and let my fingertips find a place on your waist. I want to do so many things with you, for you. I'll be seeing you soon enough but I'm scared of what will happen. I haven't felt this much in a long time, and that's scary enough on its own. I miss you. I love you. I don't want you to forget about me.