#i mean it's the bare minimum but i'm so fucking grateful

[ghosttownwherenoonegoes]

e.m. & your period

When you ask Eddie to buy you pads/tampons/whatever you use, he says yes without hesitating and doesn't see what the fuss is about. He takes the packaging of the almost empty box or takes notes of your description of what it looks like if you discard the packaging before you're done, and isn't afraid to ask the nearest employee for help in finding what you're after. He'll go store to store to store if he can't find it and he will not come home 'til he's got precisely what you asked for.

Feels like the worst boyfriend ever if he has to come home with a substitute. Will phone Dustin's mother if all other hope is lost. Knows your exact favourite chocolate and other snacks and comforts and gets them as well as your products to 'ease your way down satan's sacrificial waterfall'. He only calls your period that in the hopes it'll make you at least crack a smile. What your heart is warmed by, he sees as the bare minimum and is constantly trying to one-up himself in how he shows you he loves and cares for you.

Because fully showing and expressing your emotions in whichever ways feel most natural and comfortable to you is metal as fuck, sweetheart.

[placeholder-mcd]

(Obligatory "I sound like I'm speaking objectively from authority but this is just my opinion and it's okay for you to like media I dislike for whatever reasons you may have")

Okay so like. while "the minecraft move trailer is so bad that it makes minecraft story mode look good in comparison" is both true and funny, can we please not start pretending that story mode is a well-crafted piece of media. as someone who has played through it multiple times (first when it originally came out and I was 12 and thought it was awesome, then later as an interactive Netflix experience with friends for so-bad-it's-good reasons) I feel pretty qualified to say it blows

Like, yes. There are so many things that MCSM got right that the movie apparently got wrong. But, like, they're all extremely common-sense things to get right -- like having the whole thing be animated, and maintaining a visual style that feels consistent with minecraft, and spending time with individual aspects of the minecraft experience that have their own communities (like redstone contraptions). that sense seems a little less common now that the movie trailer exists, but still, these are all bare minimum expectations of a piece of narrative-driven media set in Minecraft.

MCSM still completely fails, however, to have any compelling characters (RIP Reuben you were just as annoying as everyone else) or non-grating dialogue. The universe they depict isn't even well thought out! Like, okay, example:

Right off the bat, they make a big decision about how they're going to handle MCSM: they are not telling a story about people playing Minecraft the video game, but are instead depicting a universe where Minecraft is inhabited by a civilization of NPCs that have identical abilities to a player (aside from like, pausing the game or changing settings or what have you). This, in itself, is not a bad decision, but it puts the writers in a position where they need to conceptualize what is effectively a Minecraft AU. You're not playing survival mode or creative mode, you're playing Story mode. In this AU, humans exist in the minecraft world and have for a long time (centuries, at least?), they've built cities, they have language, etc. Imagine you're Jesse. Imagine you've grown up inside of Minecraft. Everyone is playing on hardcore, there is no respawning, and you live in a world filled with strange and dangerous creatures that seem hell-bent on killing you. Why the Fuck does anyone go out at night. Why isn't literally everyone combat-trained. Why is Jesse acting like he's never seen a Creeper before. Why is Petra the only member of the main party who knows how to craft a pickaxe.

At the build competition, the party is surprised that the reigning building team has a beacon. But nobody takes a second to actually investigate what that means. Did their team intentionally spawn and defeat a Wither? Doesn't that make them more badass and legendary than the order of the stone? Is there a black market for nether stars? (I think Petra is probably the one who gave them the beacon since she also trades Ivan a Wither skull. But like. Why isn't literally anyone else just going and doing what Petra does. Why aren't they impressed)

Ivan having access to a Command Block is also insane. Like, it has potential to be an extremely cool choice -- did Ivan find a way to break the fourth wall? Did he find an exploit in Minecrafts code that allowed him to obtain this? The command block has the power to just generate resources out of thin air. Ivan could actually use it to become a god and give himself creative mode. But okay, we can assume that the command block is just... Different, in the AU. Fine. It's a computing center / power core for the Wither Storm. Sure

But, like. I, even as an 11 year old, knew everything there was to know about minecraft when I played story mode (and, unlike the Movie, MCSM was actually attempting to appeal to the existing fanbase), so watching these characters who have lived for DECADES within the Minecraft universe just. Be helpless and completely clueless as to how the universe works? It makes me hate like all of them. I don't care about Jesse or Gabriel and if I actually had the freedom to perform the basic actions I could perform in Minecraft -- mining, building, and crafting -- I could use my game knowledge to pretty swiftly end the entire conflict at like any point in the story. And I'm not very good at video games. But I would expect a character who's been LIVING IN THE MINECRAFT WORLD TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT. BECAUSE THEY'D BE BETTER AT MINECRAFT THAN ANY OF US.

The whole thing is a contrived and buggy mess that feels like it was written by a Hollywood CEO who watched someone play the game for 30 minutes, looked up some basic information like how to beat the game and whether there's any in-game lore, and then riffed on that until a script outline was finished. The programmers, visual artists, and composers clearly did a ton of work to make MCSM feel like minecraft. And they did a good job -- clearly, a much better job than the Movie is going to do. But that doesn't change the fact that the Story -- the focal element advertised in the title -- completely misses the fucking mark and centers around a group of characters who are largely incompetent and stupid in an unfunny and uninteresting way. MCSM was a shitty cashgrab by telltale games and I am not apologizing to it.

[lakesbian]

twig faq to answer all of the asks i got regarding my liveblog

Q: holy shit twig turned out bad huh A: yeah

Q: should i read twig? A: no. it's bad

Q: what about the parts of twig that were good though? i noticed that there were parts of twig that seemed awesome before everything suddenly exploded A: okay let me elaborate. the first ~13 arcs of twig are really really endearing when they're focusing on the lambs. when they're being about the lambs, they range anywhere from "cute" to "extremely fun" to "genuinely super compelling" to "shit that made me cry (positive)." we have high points such as:

12yo sylvester lambsbridge fumbles 3 people with crushes on him harder than anyone's ever fumbled in their life in the span of like 7 hours maximum

sylvester lambsbridge does transhet biopunk brokeback mountain

wildbow writes rose thorburn but if she were a hardass trans girl (she's the one doing transhet biopunk brokeback mountain with sy)

gordon dies and lillian copes by taking some of sy's drug that gives him turbo-adhd

helen is there

sylvester lambsbridge experiences what i earnestly believe to be one of the cruelest things wildbow has ever done to any of his protagonists

lots of other stuff, i'm abbreviating here

but the reason i say the first ~13 arcs of twig are good when they're focusing on the lambs is that twig is prone to slogging, strikingly mediocre fight scenes--sy can't fight for Shit, but wildbow still insists on describing, like, sylvester trying & failing to hit someone with a wooden plank with the same gratuitous, lengthy detail as taylor inventing a spider-based saw trap for someone. and unlike the spider-based saw trap, it's not interesting to read about. the arcs take an episodic format, and what this means is that virtually every arc goes on way too long, contains at minimum 40% more tediously detailed fight scenes than are actually necessary, and then leaves you feeling jarred when wildbow inevitably timeskips to the next arc just as the prior one was really getting into the emotional swing of things. i also have a (quite possibly subjective?) sense that twig wasn't as well-developed and thought-out as, e.g., pact, and oftentimes the setting conceit (1900s biopunk frankenstein-y british empire) doesn't feel like it's hitting quite as hard as it should.

for all of these reasons, i wouldn't have rated the first ~13 arcs of twig any more generously than in the 3.5-4 star range while i was reading them, but that's still an overall rating of good. i wouldn't still be thinking about some of the things from the first ~13 arcs of twig if they weren't overall good. if all of twig was the same quality as the first ~13 arcs, i would recommend it to people who i feel like could tolerate the pacing issues & would feel reading about the lambs was worth it.

but. BUT. BUT-

Q: so, twig turns out really bad, huh? what went wrong? A:

it is not all the same quality as the first 13 arcs. it turns out really bad the last 7 arcs are actually atrocious

the first thing that comes to mind if you ask me "what went wrong with twig" is that wildbow tries to write a trans woman as one of the main characters, and he does it badly. miss jessie ewesmont, my new favorite girl whom we need to get the fuck out of a wildbow novel. i think she was written extremely well--and in fact one of the top 2 characters in the book--prior to wildbow trying to handle her coming out. i'd even say the foreshadowing for it was perfectly well done and enjoyable. but after she comes out, during the last 7 arcs of the book?

you know how trans women are often victims of being treated as undervalued, disposable girlfriends, who are expected to coddle & cater to their partner's every whim while receiving effectively nothing in return? and you know how trans women are often treated as if they should be grateful for receiving (what is often less than) the literal bare minimum? and you know how trans women are frequently treated as if it's completely implausible for anyone to find them genuinely attracted or desirable, let alone worth pursuing or putting effort into?

yeah, the last 7 arcs of twig contain untold tens of thousands of words of wildbow reinventing all of that from first principles. this is a subjective experience, but it genuinely felt worse to read than amy dallon. at one point, the Disposable Trans Girlfriend in question literally says "i appreciate you not killing me" after she gets stabbed in her sleep by her boyfriend, sylvester. it's beyond parody. i've never said "WE HAVE TO HIT WILDBOW WITH HAMMERS" more in my goddamned life than while reading the last 7 arcs of twig. Transmisogyny Fucking City. it's a completely unforgivable and miserable reading experience.

and speaking of unforgivable and miserable reading experiences involving bigoted handling of a main character...onto Item No. 2 on the list of writing decisions that ruin twig! the ableism.

wildbow wants all of the lambs to--due to being ill-fated human experiments--have set expiration dates. one of the Main Points hanging over the entire narrative of twig is that every single lamb is, in all likelihood, going to die of complications from the way they've been experimented on before they're even twenty. two of them do die from those complications before the story is even halfway over: jamie's entire mind & sense of being is regularly taken out of his body, and one day, the doctors can't get it back in. gordon is a ~15yo with the heart problems of an elderly man, and they kill him while he's still young enough to make one of his last acts begging to see his dog one last time. it's good. it's tragic, it's interesting.

the problem is that wildbow's decision for how to depict sylvester starting to experience end-stage complications is to...turn sy into an ableist horror movie trope villain. sy hears The Devil telling him to kill his friends, and he just fuckin' blacks out and then comes to like "oh no...what's all this blood on my hands." i'm talking "mental illness is a Demon that can Possess You and make you an Evil Serial Killer" levels of ableist writing. like wildbow straight up turns sy into the joker from the movie joker. it's like that one "insaaaaynenene....assyyylum..... cray-ay-zeee...Insaayne" tiktok, you know the one. it's why he stabs his disposable trans girlfriend.

and it's baffling because: 1. wildbow wrote worm. you'd expect better from him when it comes to writing mental illness. but his skills apparently stop short of being able to depict a character with psychosis without making it cartoonishly ableist. but also, 2., sy doesn't only start becoming mentally ill at the end of arc 13! the previous arcs do very clearly establish that he's extremely codependent with the other lambs and needs continuous support to avoid experiencing life-threatening mental health episodes. he experiences dissociation, he struggles with severe memory loss, he acts erratically, he has self-injurious tendencies, he hallucinates, he talks to himself in public. prior to the start of arc 14, all of that is written with perfectly amenable levels of nuance and empathy towards sy. i wouldn't describe it as glowing representation, or anything, but it's by no means egregious.

but after arc 13? change of plans. now he's the joker from the movie joker, and we have to watch while his friends chain him to an armchair so he doesn't go around randomly cutting peoples hands off in a murderous fugue state.

it's bad. it's extremely bad to read.

the third item regarding how/why twig becomes terrible is a lot more simple to summarize: it becomes almost entirely about the previously mentioned sloggy fight scenes as opposed to about the lambs. and when it is about the lambs, it's often terrible to read anyway, due to the aforementioned issues with the handling of protagonist sylvester lambsbridge and his disposable trans gf. the plot becomes incoherent and uninteresting to the point where it's not even worth the effort of attempting to summarize how or why. everything that made twig good more or less entirely disappears from the story, and things that make it fucking awful are added.

Q: okay but lets say i have something unfixably wrong with me and i want to read twig anyway. wheres the best stopping point? arc 13? A: yeah it's arc 13. it's not a satisfying stopping point at all though. nor is the rest of twig prior to it really worth it. just don't waste your time. go read a good book, like pact, instead

Q: what the fuck is up with helen? A: :)

[naamahdarling]

I do want to say, because I know I am extremely and probably sometimes unfairly unforgiving of everything to do with the medical profession, that I had a really good experience last week with a team that was very empathetic and trauma-informed. The area of medicine is deeply triggering and I truly didn't know if I would even be able to talk or not. They were very understanding and respectful and I didn't feel like an inconvenience or a difficult patient, or like someone who was making a big deal out of nothing.

I know and they pointed out that I'm not the only person with this issue. This is actually common. It is utterly baffling to me that so many providers aren't able to cope with PTSD in their patients, especially patients whose trauma is medical in nature. These people treated me like a normal person who had experienced some very not-normal things.

Anyway, I had an unexpectedly hard time afterwards -- I figured the hardest part would be the appointment, and it super was not -- and have had a hard time off and on since. It has not been fun. It's been frustrating and confusing and upsetting and scary. But for once, none of that was the fault of the people I saw. I went in unsure I'd even be able to talk about it and nearly completely certain I wouldn't be able to move forward with the things I need to do. I figured I would probably have to white-knuckle it through a panic attack. I came out having held a productive conversation that left me scared, yes, but also hopeful and optimistic that I can move forward. And I didn't have a panic attack. It was a radical and unexpected change.

I worked hard for this. Any trauma is an awful thing to live with. The work of remaking yourself around the holes it punches in you is hard and confusing. The healing is often slow. In my case it comes with very few immediate rewards (it will actually make my life more difficult for a while because I'll have to deal with more medical interference, hooray). But it was time for me to do this and I have come far enough and worked hard enough to have the resilience to try, and I did it.

All we did was talk, but that would not have been possible a year ago. It was all I could do to ask for a referral because even naming the specialty was upsetting. I couldn't make the phone call to set up an appointment and when they called to try to do it, I hung up. Six or eight months ago I managed to dial the number and then hung up the instant someone answered. Last week I walked into the building and said out loud multiple words that make me feel like I have worms under my skin and which I can barely look at, let alone type. I didn't lose speech. This was a big win for me, and I'm thankful it went well, and I actually am proud of myself. I didn't even use any of my antianxiety meds that day, because I didn't think I would need them.

I don't feel grateful to the staff, I feel like someone finally did the bare fucking minimum, but I am very grateful, because I am not only what I feel. I am also what I know and what I do, and I am finally sort of getting those three things to match up in a way that they patch the holes in one another a little, and maybe someday I can stop slipping through the cracks.

I'm scared they will fuck up when I go to get some issues addressed, and they will betray me or harm me. I really am. Because hey, that's what my experiences have prepared me for, so that's a very natural way for me to feel. Rational, even.

I'm scared that I will look back at this appointment and feel stupid for having experienced any hope at all.

But even if it goes to shit, I still went in there and tried. I still did my best. And my best was okay. I was able to separate my fear from what needed to be done just a little bit. That means something. Because I didn't think I could do it at all.

[ashen-char]

back and forth

ship: max fox (better things) x gender neutral reader, though fem reader or paisley pov implied

warnings: mentions of a minor/adult relationship that was present in the show. fuck arturo!

summary: all max's boyfriends ever do is make her miserable and doubt herself. but you think your best friend is amazing.

word count: 1100+

notes: have some yearning :) inspiration/request is here

Max's boyfriend is an asshole. You've hated all of them, yeah, but this one pisses you off more than even the others did. Well, maybe except for Arturo. That 36 year old creep was the worst. You watched as Max was mesmerised by the man's supposed maturity and the thrill of dating someone so much older but she still 'clicked with'. Every time you saw them together, it infuriated you. You hated hearing Max go on about how he made her feel special when, in reality, he was just manipulating her. He wasn’t interested in who Max truly was. Not like you are.

From your spot on her bed, you watch as she paces back and forth, phone clutched tight in her hand.

Max had invited you over as she got ready for her date, pouring her heart into her makeup's little details, making you pick between her outfit options again and again. She looked beautiful in everything. Obviously. But now, an hour later than when he said he'd show up, he's looking like a no-show.

"Alright, come here," you say, holding your arms out. Max looks way too anxious and he doesn't deserve that. Not a bit of it.

"Wait, let me just-" Max taps out another text - a "where r u? lol" - her bottom lip tucked between her teeth.

You see her hand start to shake, her knuckles whitening. He's left her on read again. The look of frustration and hurt that etches across her pretty face makes your heart ache. You've seen this scenario play out with every boyfriend she's had, but this one infuriates you most. He never seems to appreciate her, always making her feel small and ignored. It's chipped away at the self-esteem and growth that you've watched Max painstakingly earn.

Max finally sits down beside you with a heavy sigh, her shoulders slumped in defeat. “I don’t get it,” she murmurs, eyes fixed on her phone screen. “Why can’t he just reply? Even an excuse would be something. It’s not like I’m asking for much.”

It's like when her dad couldn't be bothered showing up for her graduation. Max was shattered. You hate seeing her ask for less and less when you know she deserves everything. And you resent the men who can't even be bothered giving her the bare minimum. That they don't even know what they have.

Your hand reaches out to grasp hers, stilling its shaking. She's warm. Soft. The touch sends a shiver down your spine. You're half hopeful that she realises you've always been here and half shit-scared that she'll finally figure out how much you care. So you avoid her eyes. You hate seeing her like this.

"I'll break his fingers next time. Give him a real reason not to text back," you say, hoping the bitterness sounds more like a joke.

She laughs. You'd do anything for that laugh.

But then she looks at you, eyes filled with unshed tears, and it breaks your heart. "Maybe I'm just too much," Max whispers. Her honest fear, not just in this relationship but in life. "Too needy, too intense. Maybe he's right to ignore me. I mean, that'd explain the others too."

But you don't let her joke this away. Your hand squeezes hers, a silent showcase that you're here. That you've never ran. That she's not too much, not for you, not for everyone else that loves her. "No." She doesn't know how awesome she is because of shitty guys like Arturo, or Harvey, or her fucking dickhead of a father. "You're fucking amazing, Max. You're passionate. You care so deeply. Everyone who is loved by you is so lucky." 

Max squeezes your hand, offering a small, grateful smile. “Thanks,” she says softly. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

For a blissful moment, you pretend those words mean more than they do. Pretend that she'll finally see you as more than a friend, that she finally gets it. You’ve always been there for her, a constant in the chaos of her relationships and self-doubt. When the moment passes, you swallow that bitter pill that Max doesn’t know how deeply you care. You hate every one of her boyfriends, not just because they’re not good enough for her, but because none of them see her the way you do. They don’t see her strength, her vulnerability, or the way her eyes light up when she talks about something she loves.

You take a deep breath, deciding to take a risk. “Max, you deserve better." Sincerity, for once, rather than a joke so you could more easily brush it off as platonic. "Like, you're incredible." You gulp. These next words, you'd normally hold them back but she needs to hear them. You can see her vulnerability in those big brown eyes of hers. "I hate seeing how he makes you doubt that."

Max looks at you, an unsure, fragile expression crossing her face. Like she's apprehensive to believe it. “Do you really think so?”

“I know so,” you reply, your voice steady. “And one day, you’ll see it too.”

In that moment, Max’s phone buzzes, and her eyes dart to it as a reflex. You see the flash of disappointment as she realises it’s not him. But then she looks back at you, smiles, and throws her phone on the bedside table.

"Yeah, fuck him. I don't need him to have fun." Max's arms go to wrap around you, head nuzzling into your chest. "Thank you."

Her fingers tangle in your hair, playing with the soft strands of it. She's in your arms just like you've always been desperate for her to be. It aches. But it's the best you've ever felt. A niggling worry tells you that she'd hate you for wanting more. For thinking about kissing her right now.

"You're welcome, Maxie," you say. Because this is enough. Being her friend could be enough no matter how desperately, how passionately you burn for her.

Already dressed up, Max drags you along on a day out.

Every smile makes your heart skip. You love how you could always cheer her up, love how much Max brightens up every room she's in. You two walk hand in hand to a nearby park, one of Max’s favourite spots. The sun is shining, and the air is fresh, and you hope it's the perfect pick-me-up to help her. Strolling along the winding paths, the best thing about loving your best friend is that you can talk about anything and everything. You make her laugh with your terrible impressions of people you both know. The sound of her laughter is like music to your ears. You try not to think about how none of those men could treat her like you would.

Maybe, just maybe, she’ll start to understand how much she means to you. And until then, you’ll keep being there for her, hoping that one day she’ll realise you’ve been the one all along. You know you'd never say a word though.

[punkeropercyjackson]

Witnessing cis white women express attraction to men is just wondering how the fuck they haven't turned aroace or into lesbians like legitemently how do you live like this???????I don't mean abuse because this would be a twisted way to talk about men's violence against women,i mean praising them for less than the bare minimum and being genuinely shocked and confused when woc and nonbinary women and tgirls aren't impressed and duck on those dudes instead because we have standards.One of my ex friend's once praised her gym teacher from when she was a kid for not being a pedophile even though tons of girls openly had a crush on him and called a male character 'THE MAN EVER' for being willing to date black women even we're more 'humble'.I'm so grateful i'm on neither side of the gender binary and only half white,i have so many other examples and all of them are in the bible(not sure what this means but it's a roast)

[chronicallyuniconic]

TW: ableism, disability hate/discrimination

TLDR: the government proposed changes to benefit rules for disabled people in the aim of "getting them back to work" this has sowed so much hate that the 'people' are attacking the disabled as if we're lazy or scrounging the system, using their status as a taxpayer for reasoning.

-

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this fucking government and the humans we're sharing society with...i swear to God, it has dragged out SO much hate in the past couple weeks regarding people with disabilities who are out of work, disabled people who receive benefits like universal credit, personal independence payment, carers allowance and motability cars, and so on

they are directly attacking disabled people as if we're choosing not to work. as if we're lazy. as if we just don't want to. as if we're turning down jobs instead of taking them, as if we're stealing from the government & taxpayers (people who have a job)

because of this, it's brought all kinds of disgusting out on my twitter page (if you go looking, I'd advise a TW for ableist & direct abusive comments). it's brought out direct hate, for stating that its nobody's business, that we deserve to live, that we should have the freedom to buy what we choose with what we do receive.

met with comments like "the taxpayer is paying for you to buy shit" "you must be obese on 40 fags a day with 2 kids" "can't stop buying takeaways" "you're just fucking lazy" "what an entitled person saying freedom to buy" "you should have the bare minimum" amongst other degrading comments. as well as these, were a majority of misinformed people, who don't have a clue how the benefits system works. it isn't easy.

if it was easy, and you supposedly receive "thousands a month," wouldn't everyone be doing it?? that response is usually met with "cos I'm not stealing from the state" "cos I'm not lazy" "cos I go to work" nah, they just know, it isn't easy, and they're not getting anywhere with it.

I dare any of those fuckers that think like this, to quit their jobs & sign up to the system. I fucking dare you. how quickly your life will fall apart. good luck if you're paying a mortgage. good luck in general.

I never thought I would end up relying on benefits. I never wanted to rely on the government. and I still don't. I hate having to ask for help. I don't know anyone that doesn't. the government know they can't just do nothing for disabled people, it's part of the social circle. disability has existed in humans for as long as humans have existed.

it's frustrating. they don't know. they don't want to know. they don't try to know. they don't try to understand. they don't care. they roll their eyes when they're told it could be them any day. and when it is, they'll realise the actual living hell it is, to having to rely on a system because.. YOU ARE UNABLE TO WORK. what is it about that phrase that evaporates over their heads.

I WAS a taxpayer. but even if I wasn't, do they think those born with permanent disabilities, which definitively leave them unable to do anything, are lazy, or "sponging" or "could just look for a job" do they blame having to pay for them too? cos they won't admit it. they can't admit their true hate, but I see it, feel it, hear it. they'd rather us dead let's be damn honest.

I have a masters degree. I was in education from aged 3 to aged 25. but since diagnosed later with permanent disability(it was always there), it means nothing, I know that, I don't need to be told by anyone else. and the jobs and experience I had, also means nothing. many dont get to have the things I had, and I'm grateful I got to, because I understand with my whole heart, how hard it is as a disabled person, to achieve anything.

they tell you "just get a job" like we haven't considered that. like we've not all tried to find the job, that is accessible, can support your needs, has the working hours you can cope with. jobs like this don't exist for the majority. one day I am fine, the next 7 days I might be incapacitated. I might only be okay between the hours of 3am to 6am one day, and 3pm to 4pm the next. employers especially, do not care for that. at all. they cannot cope with the fluctuations of a disabled person. we are all absolutely individual, even with the same diagnoses. employers are not set up, supported or provided with the education, to allow disabled people into their business.

"if you can write, text, tweet, upload on your phone, then you can do a job" I'd love to attach a picture of my positioning and setup but honestly I'm past giving evidence to these asshats. they forget about text to speech, my screen scrolls with my eyes, screen reads back to me, there's a bunch of adaptability and accessibility they don't care or even know about.

so..even if we do find that one in a billion job, we have to get there. I can't do anything without someone driving me. I'm physically not able. but they don't care about that either.

work from home, they say. i don't tolerate screens well, migraines have been a huge fluctuating problem because of epilepsy. I can't sit up for very long at all, i am 90% bed and housebound, only really leaving my home for appointments. i cannot process a big influx of information anymore, my brain is like swiss cheese, I cannot read or take in the things that are important, in order for me to carry out my job. I rely on another person for the majority of my day.

any job we would find, would never allow us to rise through the ranks, to improve our standing and footing on the ladder, to ever experience a payrise or be treated like your non disabled peers.

it doesn't matter to them either, that the impact of the job can and usually does, affect the person's disability negatively. when your life only involves your job, it's not your life, is it?

it doesn't matter to them that the impact of working can lead many people to become so bad they can't work anymore. (hello, waves, me!!)

they expect you'll just get over that permanent problem. or you will work through it in a couple days. they don't understand constant symptoms, debilitating symptoms, twenty four hours a day symptoms. symptoms that incapacitate you. but they expect you to work through it anyway.

that's not how it works.

I was told "take up a hobby and get paid for it" why?? are you? are building lego and selling it? are you gaming on your computer and selling that? why should I use my fun time, my hobby, as an income. of which, the income would be so minimal, it would never cover rent, it would unlikely buy any food shopping at all, because ...it's a hobby. it's not my job. why would I sacrifice my hobbies, when you don't have to? my hobby, is also not my worth.

who's setting up the website and shop for my hobby? who's managing the orders? who's posting them? I made one hobby last week so have been unable to make 3 more hobbies, who's managing for that??

I hate this government for every hateful, spiteful, cold, calloused, manipulative, condescending, degrading, inhumane comment.

it's not even anger, it's like a complete state of fed up mixed with disappointment, lack of community on the issue, sadness of people's reactions, to disabled people.

I'd love for them to look my mother in law with stage 4 cancer, in the eyes and tell her to just get a job, after 38yrs of employment.

absolute cretins. the worst of humanity.

sorry it's so long, I am just 😪🥱😮‍💨😮‍💨

[smoldworf]

i find interesting how differently ppl view the characters and degrees of awfulness in Dead Friend Forever.

i've seen that por is the worst of them bc he's the "boss" of the group, or tee, or jin; or that phee's reaction was what hurt non the most.

And i find that fascinating. like, there's supporting evidence for all of it, just like for (almost lol) all theories out there.

for me, por is, funny enough, the least harmful of all of them. he's the ✨main character✨ (at least he thinks he is), and rich, and yes, influences the whole group ... and maybe creates the environment to facilitate the bullying. But what he does, is basically garden-variety bullying. He pushes Non around, calls him names, and uses him for his own profit. He's a grade A asshole. I'm not saying what he does is not fucked up or traumatising for Non. But i think what he does could, for Non, stay in the past. Something he could, as an adult look back to and acknowledge as fucked up, but also something he could leave behind and survive.

What Tee does? Not so easily. First, the trouble with the police, it might stay with him, depending how that case continues. Second, the mafia (which makes his police problems seem laughable). He pulled him into this shit. Knowingly. He actively used Top's fuck up to pull Non into this shit. That's so fucking malicious. Por would sacrifice Non in a heartbeat if necessary, but i'm not sure he's smart enough for real, intentionally damaging malice.

(Top is on my shit list bc he's so fucking obnoxious and gleefully awful. He's not smart, but he's a sadist.)

Jin, for me, is ... idk. Not worse than Tee, necessarily. He's not malicious. But he's self-centered, and a coward. (Now, i'm not a brave person, so i feel i can say this as someone who's not sure if i'd be brave enough to speak up.) but he really, really sucks. he sucks worse that fluke, bc he 1. fucking keeps pulling Non back, i mean wth??? 2. he does this ONLY bc he's got a crush on Non? 3. he only does the bare minimum protesting the bullying, and obviously thinks he's some kind of knight in white armor, like Non should be grateful? 4. tries to minimise what the group is doing to Non as "just being shitty" AND 5 he fucking films Non being raped by his teacher. Bc he got his feefees hurt. That alone is just ... beyond. (I'm not even talking about leaking the vid, i'm not even sure he did it) Filming this was NOT an impulse like, idk, slapping or pushing someone, or saying something harmful (phee, anyone?). Filming this means taking his phone, starting to film AND CONTINUING. And yes, Non may have never found out, but this is a special kind of betrayal (from his knight in shining armour no less).

And yes, in the moment, Phee's words were probably worse than what Tee, and Por, and Jin did. Bc Phee's his person. He's different that the other assholes. And Phee knows he tried to kill himself. His words may well be what pushed him over the edge. But! This was impulse. It sucked, and caused harm, but i think it was impulse.

So yes, Phee stays my lil bean who fucked up in the moment.

the rest can go and die in the woods. And por dying first makes sense to me in a "And then there were none" kinda scenario? Keep the worst offenders alive, so they can suffer and be scared. But that's just me 💕

[marco--the--phoenix]

I deleted my old vent blog. But I gotta gwt this out.

Tw: depression - eating disorder- personal - mental health - suicide - financial issues - chronic illness

For 5 years we have lived on bare minimum. Sometimes we can do the odd nice thing here or there but it'll drain us.

Every month is a making ends meet kinda month and sometimes we go without very often.

One meal a day, I go without phone service or unable to leave the house.

It's not even our fault. Wife works full time, I can't work due to both mental and physical health.

I am so unbelievablely grateful to friends who help us out when there's a struggle but I feel so bad every time.

I'm almost 40 and I don't have the means to look after myself. I'm not the worst off person in the world but I'm fucming struggling.

I had an ED that almost killed me many years ago and it permanently crashed my body. I have a dangerous autoimmune disease that's almost killed me once already.

It's agony, my joints lock up, I've been paralysed in pain by arthritis brought on by it. My skin hurts and aches and burns all the time.

I can barely move. I ooze and feel gross and stick to things and feel ugly and gross and vile

My mental health is bad despite being medicated. My adhd is wild and the two have caused me to loose all momentum in myife. I was once in control and on top of everything and now I'm drowning.

I try not to vent to people. So used to being punished for venting rhat I'm terrified if people saw the real deph of what I'm feeling I'd loose them.

I'm sick of money lasting a second. We do like ONE nice thing a month together and even then it's far from wild or much money. We treat ourselves to a little something but like.. a £5 sketch from a friend or a third store shirt for £7 but cus we are so broke all the time and need help it feels shitty to do.

It's bad, all the time.

This month I already have £70 left to live and I've not paid for my phone yet. That 70 I'd for food, travel, anything.

We had to use money we saved for my birthday in March and their upcoming birthday just to make it to the end of every month.

We don't have family or a support network where we live.

I know staying at home doesn't seem like a big deal but reason I made a habit of going with wife to their place of work was because of me not being safe.

We've both worked hard, really hard to start out stores and try sell but it's very disheartening that despite all the effort and hard work no ones biting.

I'm so scared of being a burden to people that I clam up. I've pulled away so much from people already that I'm worried I'm not good enough any more for them.

It's all jealous icky arlf doubting feelings drowning me but I'm tired.

I started chemotherapy again for my illness but had to come off for antibiotics for an ear infection.

Chemotherapy makes me feel sick, tired, awful and without it my body attacks itself.

We are trying to go on a trip this June. Just to another city and we put money we couldn't afford towards it but I for one need a break, need something nice to look forward to, something to keep me fucking going.

I don't want to die, I just want life to be better but I've been strong all my life and I'm so weak these days cus I can't find mental or psychical strength.

I try hard to be there for others, be a good person, look on the bright side but I'm so so fucking exhausted.

I've waited years after year for things to get better. I'm not a negative person I've just been beat over the head so many times.

I'm finally letting myself cry and crumble but I'm close to breaking.

I wish I didn't feel guilty or selfish or bad for having these feelings but I do and I implode.

I just wish it was all easier.

I hope people who read this don't change their view on me or ditch me. I'm so tired and scared and hurting.

I also didn't make this post to beg for money but if there is anyone out there who could just help a little it really does help.

My P @ y p@l is corazon_x_law@yahoo.co.uk (op people it's not a ship. This was back when x didn't mean a ship dhdhdbdhd)

Or my kofi is https://ko-fi.com/cyborgfranky

It's 5am and I sat crying on the toilet like a loser.

I feel better for screaming here but.. damn.

[eolewyn1010]

OH MY GOD you guys, I know my blog has a bit much Ancient Rome theme on it lately because I'm currently deep in three different researches and have temporarily lost my mind, but I gotta tell you of this one, it just made my day:

So, there's my dude Publius Clodius Pulcher, being a tribune, making a hobby of shitting all over Cicero (which I applaud), you know, your average day in politics. It's 58 BC, and Clodius woke up and chose the principles of the welfare state ANARCHY. The grain laws? Those that the patricians were complaining about already because it was alas such a burden to the state to keep grain prizes and qualities stable, and it made the plebs lazy not to have the bare minimum of their existence at risk when they wanted to, y'know, eat even though the measure every adult Roman citizen was rationed just about covered the needs of one single man when in reality most of those had families to feed and needed to work fucking hard anyway?

Yeah, my most blorbest Clodius took a look at this and cried bullshit. Actually, we should give them guys their rations for free. So they can invest the money in not having their wives and kids starve. Wouldn't that be cool if sustainment security went up? People would be less pissed in general, we could tell around what an awesome government we are, and we could get economics to pick up speed as we stuff some of our money into the provinces in exchange for more grain deliveries so they look less... provincial.

And the citizens are like, oh boy, Clodius, that's neat! I'll just set my slaves free then. They'll still work for me because they need something to earn their living with, and I have work enough to do, but they'll get a few citizen rights as freedmen, including the right to get grain rations. That way, a good chunk of the duty to feed them falls to the state! Hurray! Everyone's fed, my slaves are former slaves now, what a great idea that was. Write them all down on the list so we don't forget anyone in the distributions. And Clodius goes, I'll do so ASAP! And writes all their names down in the grain lists, and stores the lists in the temple of the nymphs because feeding citizens is Rome's holy duty, so into the sanctuary the lists go.

Along comes Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus on this fine day! And he's like, Clodius, my man. Look, we now have this big amount of new mouths to feed, and none of them pay for their rations. You just. Give them food for free. That means we have to pay! And that means I can't buy that ridiculously expensive new house on the Palatine hill / build a theater that bears my name / invest in my next war as quickly as I want to. So how about we just. Amend that list a little. See, those freedmen aren't really Roman citizens anyway. They are just slaves+. Hell, I was able to buy or sell the most of them in the forum only a week ago! Shouldn't they be grateful already that they can't be bought anymore? Now we also give them things for free? Come on. Let's keep this in a small circle.

And Clodius, my most blorbest. Goes: Bitch say WHAT

And so Pompeius doesn't get his greedy hands on these lists.

Clodius, my darling. The nutjob. The madman.

Goes and SETS THE FUCKING TEMPLE OF THE NYMPHS ON FIRE.

Talk about taking a hammer to that hard drive. Can't amend lists when there are no lists, amirite? He probably couldn't find a bigger middle finger to show to Pompeius that day. Message received: No tampering with the Clodian law reforms.

Did he do it just to ingratiate himself with the plebs for the next elections? Yes, definitely.

Did it work? Yes, absolutely.

Does the imagination of Pompeius' aghast expression at this total punk ruining his day with some casual sacrilege out of sheer spite make me immensely happy? Yes!

[helenmarie95]

Petition Against Raising the Income Requirement for Family Visas in the UK to £38,700 (Only Sign if You are a UK Resident)

So among the other awful things the Tories are doing to this country, they have decided to raise the minimum annual salary requirement for a UK citizen to bring their foreign spouse to the UK from £18,600 to £38,700 from next April. They have more than DOUBLED IT.

This is incredibly fucking stupid for an number of reasons, chief of which is that the median salary across all British jobs is £35,000 if you are a white man, and even worse if you are not that.

On a personal note, this does affect me as an American living in the UK with my British spouse. Luckily, since I changed jobs in October, we JUST BARELY clear this income requirement - and if I hadn't done that, I would be frantically searching for a new job anways. And we have to hope that our situation does not drastically change before I apply for Indefinite Leave to Remain next September.

Here's the thing: I am INCREDIBLY LUCKY. It's also took me five years to get to this point, including over a year working remotely for my parents' business because no UK company would hire me for 'reasons' (my fave being that I didn't sound sophisticated enough. lol.) I'm thinking of so many of my friends right now who suddently have to come up with another £20,000 in the next six months, which is absolutely insane. I'm thinking of my friends who have just had children and are counting on their parter's income to support them during this time who cannot afford to do that anymore. I'm thinking of university students who fell in love on a study abroad like myself, and had everything all planned out for their spouse to move here, only for everything to go up in smoke. I'm thinking of everyone who through no fault of their own are working essential jobs that they enjoy that are suddenly not enough. The NHS, which at this point is built on the backs of immigrants, is going to get even worse.

The government is forcing poor people to choose between the UK and their spouse. And these people are going to choose their spouse, because DUH. And people are going to leave. For some people that means moving back to their spouse's country and hoping that country lets them in. But what if they are LGBT and they cannot go back to their spouse's country because queerness is punishable by death? What are they supposed to fucking do?

It is high-key xenophobic to force British people to ignore foreigners and expect them to marry British spouses. And it's even more heinous considering that this new rule does not apply to the rich. Our own bloody PM has a gajillionaire wife who is not a citizen.

I made a video at the start of this year about my feelings being an immigrant in this country, and so many of my points still hold up and are even more true today.

Heck, I just got an autism diagnosis but because I'm not a citizen I cannot get disability benefits because I am not allowed public funds - the SAME PUBLIC FUNDS THAT I PAY FOR THROUGH TAXES ON MY PAYCHECK. And don't even think about protesting, because you can be arrested for 'being a nuisance', whatever that's defined as.

But I'd still rather be here that in the U.S. where health insurance and student loan companies would rob me blind and there's a high chance of getting shot walking down the street.

More and more, merely existing in the UK as a person had the gall not to be born here is one of the most radical things you can do.

And I'm going to continue to do it. And so are the rest of us.

So if you do happen to live in the UK, please sign the petition in the link. If you don't, please consider phoning your country's representatives to ask them to condemn this move. Moth and I and all of the others affected by this new rule are extremely grateful for any support you offer

[lets-talk-spirituality]

How are things in Hawaii? I keep reading sad news and I'm praying for everyone there.

Thank you so much for asking! While the Maui wildfires did not impact me personally, I think it has impacted everyone in some way. Watching all the local businesses hustle to get shipping containers filled to send to ‘ohana on Maui, watching the ways the Maui community has rallied together, it’s brought me to tears countless times the past week.

There is a lot going on, people are still missing and may never be identified, there are legitimate concerns around land grabs (meaning rich people or the state coming in and seizing or purchasing land—there is a huge history of land grabs throughout the islands, making this an extra big slap in the face), there are tourists who are taking pictures of the devastation to commemorate it I guess (literally fucking cruel like how dare you, this is not disaster porn, these are HUMAN BEINGS who lost everything and are still fighting daily to fucking survive and it is NOT A PHOTOP for clout).

As someone who worked in local government, my heart goes out to everyone who I know is working around the clock, communications people who are constantly getting state and department updates, firefighters who watched their fucking houses burn down in front of their eyes still fighting fires, first responders searching through remains of people they knew. It’s not just the loss of property. The stories these people share, the horrors they witnessed still brings me to tears, even writing this.

Knowing this is directly related to water diversion and so much of this could’ve been mitigated by creating a plan for wildfires. They’ve been diverting water from West Maui for fucking decades. This area was a wetland and is now so dry that it set ablaze.

If there is anything I want people to take away from this, it’s that indigenous knowledge is the only way we can save our planet and it’s time that we get stewardship back to the ones who manage it the best. I am not native Hawaiian and would never pretend to speak for them, but I relate and empathize in many ways.

Instagram accounts I recommend for helping those in Maui and also for you to learn more about Hawai’i.

Support the Lahaina families directly

Activist who speaks about the water diversion and climate change aspects of what happened with Maui fires

Kākoʻo Haleakalā

ʻĀina Momona

Hawaiʻi Alliance for Progressive Action

Kānaka Autonomy

IllumiNative — focuses on all Natives

Son of Oʻahu

Kanaeokana

Kū Project

Please learn about the indigenous communities that existed where you’re from and where you are. Listen and learn from them. And please, if you can, help educate others around you. I’m not ashamed to admit I didn’t know shit about Hawai’i before I moved. It wasn’t something that was really taught where I grew up. So coming here and learning about the illegal overthrow and occupation of this nation, experiencing firsthand and witnessing how hard it is for people to stay here, and seeing the way they have pride in their heritage and how they kept their culture alive in the face of assimilation, it all has impacted me so much.

I’m so grateful to Hawai’i, and especially the island I live on that called me here, and to everyone who has completely opened up their hearts and soul to me. I can never repay what I’ve been given, but at the bare minimum, it’s my kuleana (responsibility) to tell others what I’ve learned and experienced here.

[plasmamembranes]

My gf helped me move this past Sunday and she just told me last night that she wanted to sob as soon as she walked through the door of my old home and the only reason I didn't see her cry that day was because she knew I was already about to pass away from anxiety. She said her heart broke for me because I've been trapped in that place for so many years. I could tell she was really bothered while helping me move, but I wasn't sure why. It was all very affirming considering my life has been full of people telling me to shut the fuck up and that I should just be grateful to have a roof over my head. Which I certainly have been grateful, but I don't think I should be made out to be some evil witch just because I dare to desire more than the bare minimum. I've already slept more at my new home in two nights than I did all last week at my old house. I got a total of 8 hours of sleep over 5 days last week.

My gf is showing me how being cared about is supposed to feel, and with it I'm realizing that truly no one but her and like my current best friend have ever given a shit about me 💀💀 I have been in long term relationships with women who didnt even like me lmfaoooo. And not fully realized it because I was being treated exactly like my family treated me my entire life (with hatred). And been "best friends" with people for years who were really very mean to me and used me

[dragynkeep]

Snow leopards are extremely territorial and have massive boarders along mountains. That picture you found is from the winter season and isn't comparable to the summers and springs that they are not used to. If you think an Apex predator enjoys being in such a small space where they can be stared at instead of the mountain regions where they can avoid humanity you clear know jack shit about solitary predators. Its grating you would even argue in defense of such conditions.

Putting the other asks in here too:

Anyway, the snow leapard has hunting, tracking, boarder marking and gaurding instincts that need to be exercised and stimulated brain wise. Being denied that stimuli will of course cause issues in their mental state. It's disgusting to think that just because you and others are fine with just having a room and being confined to said room, that its enough. It's not enough and its psychology damaging to the animal.

You both just love to argue even when you are fucking wrong. Like holy shit. If I see a cat Alex predator from Mongolia in the summer in a warmer climate that's my fucking experience. Heavy panting dude, ears flat, one of then pacing with a twitching tail.You just showed your ass. Your both fucking terrible.your excuse is simply "they are happy some what of the time and the bare minimum is done so shut the fuck up you offend me."

I love that all this started because of a random post. Remember this girlies, this was because of one post on my own blog. This is just sad.

I didn't post the picture to be like "Lol Canada summers aren't hot, you dumb :P", if you actually read the post, it was in connection to the size of the enclosure, which is pretty standard for a cat that size. Tying it into the natural habitat of the snow leopard, yeah, having more space for them would be great. Having them in the wild were they can survive is great, no one is saying that isn't true.

But you have to be realistic ffs. We can't put them back in the Himalyas because these are captive bred leopards that would die. They're here for education and conservation because there's like five snow leopards and a pack of skittles left.

Also, there's placed in the enclosure for the animal to move away from the people. I promise you captive animals do not exhibit the same reservation towards humans that wild bred do because they have grown up to be used to this common stimuli. This is basic animal behaviour 101.

Well done, you know what solitary means. But snow leopards are perfectly fine with each other in captivity. Just because something is solitary in the wild doesn't mean that same behaviour is exhibited 1:1 in captivity. Obviously this isn't every single case because animals have personalities, and some just don't wanna be with each other.

You know what happens next? They get separated. They move to different zoos. The snow leopards are fine with each other and with people, otherwise they would never leave their fucking bed.

And yes, snow leopards, like every other animal on this planet, exhibits behaviours like territory marking, like patrolling, like hunting, so you know what zoos do? They give toys and different feeding strategies so that these animals have enrichment and don't just have these meals handed to them. There are plenty of ways to replicate these behaviours in a captive environment.

Which is what I'm saying. Good zoos do this, many zoos are no longer these little prisons that you see them as, stop being goofy.

Also, being in an enclosure that's properly suited to them isn't psychologically damaging to an animal. You tried to use inflamatory words by comparing their den to the size of a small living room, trying to equate it to something bad.

I said that it's literally their bedroom, and the enclosure is big enough to suit them given the size of the snow leopard. Stop trying to use big words when you clearly don't understand what you're trying to say. If unethical zoos are not catering to the animals needs as they should be doing, that is on the zoo in question, not zoos in general.

Also, I'm sorry, do you want zoos to magically change the fucking weather? Do you also realise that it gets warm in the mountain sections that snow leopards are found at, that they can migrate further down to where it can get as warm as 20 degrees? Yes, animals exhibit these behaviours when hot, that doesn't mean they're being fucking abused because literally every animal does that.

That's why the zoos gave them the fucking coolers in the first place. You give them things to help with the temperature, whether that's ice and establishing shaded spots for when it's hot, and giving them shelter and bedding for when it's cold. This literally isn't abuse, you're just being so emotional over seeing an animal panting and thinking that it's cruel when there's literally things in place to help combat that, they can't change the fucking weather.

Also pacing and tail twitching doesn't automatically mean the cat is distressed? Excessive pacing yes, but just saying these behaviours and immediately equating them to stress is wrong, because these things can have a range of different meanings.

You came in here showing your ignorant asscheeks. The animals aren't "happy some of the time", they live in an environment that they grew up in that gives them the best that the zoo can offer. They have security, they have food, they have medical care for when they're sick, and they have enrichment to make sure they're not bored.

You know what happens if they're in the wild like you want them to be, and they can't hunt successfully of G-d forbid get sick/injured? They die. Horribly.

I know in an ask after this that you were drunk when you sent these anons, and it shows. Get a grip and get outta my inbox.

[frightninbolt]

I used to chew on bottle caps. I liked the sensation of crushing plastic between my teeth, and mangling something maleable into a satisfying shape with only the power of my jaws. That was back when my teeth were strong, and I wasn't so scared of accidentally choking to death.

Now, I use bottle caps to grind little circles into my hands. When I'm particularly upset, I'll just... dig them on my skin and feel cheap, plastic teeth grate and rip. It feels sharp, but unless I stay at it for many minutes, it only ever leaves sad, faded arcs. They're hardly even complete, as one edge invariably fails to connect with the surface. It seems better than using anything so efficient or cliche as a knife. I don't want to hurt myself. I just want a part of me to be changed.

I feel a little uglier every day. A little more rotten inside- the more I challenge what I don't like about myself, the more it fights back. My heart is too gentle to be good at defending itself. And the more I fail, the more it spills out of me... makes me harder to be around. I reach for the strength to keep fighting this tar inside me, and all I can grasp are chewed bottle caps.

Whatever strength I have is being poured into living as above mediocrity as I can. I should call myself lucky that I have the work I have. I get two days off. Three hours after a full day, and even a decent rest if there's no delays. What am I complaining about? What am I scared of?

If I twist the bottle cap a little harder, just long enough, it can draw a little blood. Just a worthless, ragged little circle. I've got two already, but they're gray and faint and have no strength left in them. Maybe, if I just keep doing this, it will motivate me somehow. Change me somewhere beyond the material. Maybe it will make things just a little more bearable, that I'm so fortunate and yet feel only hollow misery and doubt. Maybe it will prevent those hard crashes that have pushed some of the most beautiful people in my life away from me. That ugliness, that exhaustion- I'm so through with letting it exhaust others.

But I straighten my back and say "I'm going to do better", "I'm going to figure this out". And then twist the bottle cap a little tighter.

I've been on autopilot to survive for so long. I'm scared that all these efforts to do better are just... another layer of autopilot. That I'm making promises to myself and others I can't keep. If I push the bottle cap in at this angle, it can make a little horseshoe. When I'm home on those days off, I'm just trying to exist as a fucking human being, scrambling for as much of a recharge as I'm going to get. It's always just barely enough, but never more than barely. When I have so little strength by nature, by what means can I hope to do anything more than the bare minimum? Is that the ugliness, or something I've chosen? Was the muscle born atrophied, or did I fail to exercise it? And is it too late?

I don't have the strength to draw anymore. Not when I have work to do. I throw garbage together for dinner after not eating for the twelve waking hours I give to my minimum wage job. I can't spend time with my sibling, my friends, with much of anyone anymore outside idle conversations in text. I'm too busy wasting away in a life we're all too familiar with to pretend isn't normal. If it's so normal, why does it feel so hard to me? Atrophied, didn't exercise it, etc etc etc.

Even the mere thought of trying to find work elsewhere is a hole punctured in my reserves of strength. It's exhausting to even conceive of, the doubt and fear is so paralyzing. Actually doing it is an expenditure of time and energy that I need to stay on autopilot. Minimum effort for minimum wage, right? So what right do I have to hope I'll have the strength to do more than that? Atrophied, didn't exercise it, etc etc etc.

What will I do if it doesn't work out? Can I even afford to take that chance? More and more holes in the tank. Just keep working. Don't let anyone down. Please don't leave. Not you too. I'm going to do better. I'm going to figure this out. Twist, twist, twist.

I used to chew on bottle caps. I guess now they chew on me.

[diary-of-an-entity]

Diary Entry #1

"It'll get better one day."

You know everyone always talks about how 'you need to go out and do things' and 'you can't just do the bare minimum all the time' because it keeps you stagnant or whatever but the past two years since I chose not to go to college and chose to just do a lame easy job that barely keeps me afloat- ive never been happier and more focused then I am right now.

Like the past two years I've mentally been able to pinpoint main events where I've slowly gotten back to myself. The way I've been wanting to for years.

I got feelings and empathy back (there were a few years I thought i had a dissociative disorder bc i had such low empathy for others esp animals, and yet six months away from home I remember holding a puppy and crying everytime I thought of it. Now I cry when I see a small mushroom cause I feel things so strongly again)

I started taking care of my health (about 1-1.5 year out I finally made doctors appointments for myself. Got glasses that I've needed for years. I started brushing my teeth everyday like I'm supposed to and i bought shampoo better for my hair and my friend taught me about using cleanser and moisturizer)

And finally two days ago my executive dysfunction fucking dissapeared??? I mean *for now* like im sure itll come back sometime but less hopefully instead of everyday! (I woke up and it was just like that feeling where you're up too late and you suddenly have all the motivation to clean the house and do everything you need to do except it was a brand new day?? And the feeling stayed?? I was able to get my car fixed and I got a gym membership and I actually WENT this morning!! And I did work at work instead of messing around and honestly I feel like I can actually call my insurance company to handle the issue I've been procrastinating the past 2 years and i think I want to call the college and take two classes in the spring maybe???)

So anyways, what I mean to say is that I told everyone around me that I was taking time for myself two years ago. And the adults around me seemed sort of disappointed because I wasn't starting college and they kept saying stuff like 'if you don't go now you never will' which is so dumb. But my sister and my friends supported me and I feel like that time I gave myself finally paid off cause I feel so good. Genuinely good. Go to the gym and college and go out dancing with friends good. And it's the first time I've felt this good since middle school.

So you know, I guess this is the 'it'll get better' I was telling myself when I decided to put my life on hold instead of rushing into a life where I knew I was going to crash. I'm very grateful I put myself on hold.

Thank you, Past Me!!!!!