#i meant more like when i try to have conversations with lgbt people irl who aren’t lesbians they don’t get it

[pjharvey]

the only ppl who rlly get what im talking about are other lesbians but i think the whole top/bottom thing has to stop because 1) i don't think topping/bottoming really translates as well for lesbian sex as it does for sex between gay men, like for lesbians i think people use top/bottom when they mean dominant/submissive a lot of the time. unless you're stone most lesbians are vers even if it's not evenly split. 2) everyone assumes i'm exclusively a bottom bc i'm 5'3 and it hurts my feefees...

[a-romantic--aromantic]

tell me more about your experiences in real life aro spaces please *big pleading eyes*

okay so i am notoriously bad at answering asks because i’m on mobile, but i figured i can take a crack at this one

so i actually wasn’t in explicitly aro spaces, but due to the culture in my area, most lgbt individuals didn’t feel that they needed to use the pride spaces to have the ability to express themselves or feel safe. this very quickly led to queer spaces and clubs being full of aspecs. due to luck, i found my queer club was about 30% aro at the start, and about 50% aro halfway through. the more discussions we had about romanticism and amatonormativity and trying unpack and discover what romantic attraction meant, the more and more people in the club realized that romanticism didnt apply to them in the stereotypical or normative sense, and more and more people came out as aro. there were lots of conversations that included us just pointing out “that sounds like demiromantic” or “is that romantic attraction?” when people said something that sounded like a very aro perspective.

i also didnt join the aspec club at the university nearby because im not a student, but im always really tempted. im curious what a space intended for aspecs is like.

within my experiences, our aro circle was pretty large, and being open about queer identity and connection with our aro identity and community led to me knowing more aros, because you get excited if you overhear it in public, and the more people know about it the more people come out.

my aro circle did have a lot of dating in it, still, but that was because they were all aro4aro if that makes sense? a lot of people realized they were demi. and a close knit aro circle opens up nicely for aro identity being respected And developing romo attraction.

i’ve mentioned before that ive dealt with an exclusionist/aphobe irl, and that im annoyed their “romo aro” flag shows up in google. this person was actively a “chronically online” and “discourse” kind of a person. they held a lot of colonial ideals, were fairly ableist, and pushed a lot of people’s boundaries. this person was one of like 3 that were openly aphobic on campus, and all three of them gave off the sense that they were there to start arguments, not to engage in having a community of any kind. they were ultimately ignored by all the other allospec queer members. by and large, everyone accepted us in their queer spaces, and our “pride alliance” never once suggested that we didnt belong. we spent a lot of time talking about what mattered to us and how our queer identities impacted eachother, and how our communities intersected in various ways.

when the aros broke off to interact independently, our aromanticism was rarely brought up, it just was something that was a fact. we could talk about our struggles with our aro identity, they watched my blog grow, and we always chose activities that were friendly to the folks who didnt want to see romo stuff. ultimately it performed more as a tight friend group than as any sort of overarching activity to participate in. ive found virtual aro communities are pretty similar.

i dont know if this helps at all, but i do want to say you’re not alone in your aro identity, and you’re probably not even the only aro in your area.

for stats, i know:

7 arospecs in highschool , 2 aplspecs

10 arospecs in my close friend group in college , 2 (different) aplspecs

8 arospecs from my pride alliance (not in my friend group), 1 aplspec not in my group

4 arospecs in passing in college

an honestly unknowable number of arospecs from my old job, where ive been recognized from this blog before. these were mostly arospec and queer teenagers that were in awe of seeing a queer and arospec adult.

ive also made multiple online friends in fandom spaces who were not arospec or questioning arospec who recognized me from my blog, and, including both irl and online dating, have dated 9 aros/arospecs, and had qprs with 3 (tho ive had qprs with non arospecs too).

we aren’t an insignificant percent of the population. there’s honestly quite a lot of us and you shouldnt feel alone in this community. because theres so many of us, every aro community you join or create irl will be a little bit different. i live close to an aro organization that is in the nearest major city, and im thinking about volunteering and getting involved there, too. if you want to try making an irl aro community, honestly the easiest way to do it is just to be out and proud. they’ll come to you or you’ll help them realize it.

anyways i dont know if thats what you were asking, but thats everything i have in my brain for now. hope this helps.

💚💚🤍🖤🖤

-ghost

[lovequinn]

mushy shit about some recent events

open the cut if you dare bc it's just me crying and rambling and being very sentimental over things but y'all asked so

over the past week and a half i was lucky enough to do two things that meant the world to me: i saw harry styles in concert (harryween n2 supremacy!) and i had the chance to meet/speak to anna kendrick.

i will start with harry bc i feel like that is the one that surprises people more lmao and to save myself the effort of typing this all twice, i will copy and paste my blubbering from instagram:

in 2012 i made it my mission to become as involved with one direction as possible. i was a closeted teenager in a hostile, primarily republican town who didn't know how to deal with the feelings i was feeling, and the obvious solution to me was to blend. so like every straight girl i knew, i bought all the albums, i went to the concerts, i even waited 5 hours on line to meet them and have them sign my cd (in the stone ages when people still did mall tours). not to say i didn't enjoy myself, because i really did find a lot of fun in being a part of that era, but for me it was never exactly the same as it was for everyone else. i often sat with the discomfort of knowing i was using this band to hide a large part of my own self.

watching harry styles, whose solo music did end up reaching me in a place one direction's never could, unabashedly ignore the norms of gender and sexuality has felt personal in a way i can't describe. the other night i got to watch him sing about confidence and kindness on a stage littered with pride flags, back to back with the song that was ever present when i was hiding all those years ago (wmyb) as if he were acknowledging how much things have changed. i watched the entire arena glow with a rainbow of lights. and while the me of 9 years ago was someone very different, that poor kid's heart would have been bursting the same way it is right now. in 2021, this feels right.

and now ANNA.

at the same time in 2012 that i was pulling my "yes haha i totally want to date the 1d guys i'm being so convincing" act, i also watched pitch perfect for the first time. and like any good blossoming gay, i saw beca and chloe together and went oh...oh. i had a tumblr already because of (surprise surprise) one direction, and i had already made my first forays into reading fanfiction (thank you degrassi), but i had never really experienced fandom before. much less lgbt fandom. i remember sitting one night and searching the pitch perfect tag, just out of curiosity. and i found the bechloe fandom, and these wonderful, friendly people of all kinds, most importantly other people like me. bechloe was my very first time participating in a community with other lgbt people in a time when i needed it most. i remember feeling lonely and ostracized at school each day, but being able to come home and find myself among a group of people who understood. i have never shyed away from saying that the bechloe fandom raised me, and i mean it; alex, cole, cam, hanna, so many others (some of you who are still mutuals with me here, some of you who became off-tumblr and irl friends, some of you who are out there somewhere even though we lost touch) were my family in so many of the ways that mattered. this fandom listened to me when i needed an ear, watched me try (and often fail) at my first attempts at writing, eased me through crushes, helped pay for my textbooks when i got older. even if your interests changed, or if you drifted away from social media altogether, i've never forgotten a single name or a single conversation. and it was all because we couldn't shut up about two girls awkwardly in a shower singing acapella who were OBVIOUSLY in love while having embarrassing urls like "tonerforsnow" (guilty as charged).

i've always felt like i owe that community to anna kendrick and brittany snow. despite every show or movie or whatever i jump to focus on next, they will always hold that special place in my heart. they didn't shy away from their lgbt fans, they played along with us and weren't afraid to talk about a wlw ship and in turn strengthened that little circle of family i'd found. over the years their other projects, onscreen or off (i.e. scrappy little nobody and love is louder) and even just their general attitude has brought much needed light into my life and given me many a smile when nothing else could. i am well-known in all my irl circles as the connossieur of all things anna and brittany and i wear that title with pride lol

i've never met brittany, and while i got to ask anna a question at her book tour a little over four years ago (still embarrassed over how nervous i sounded rip), i'd never spoken to her face to face. i was lucky enough to attend the season 2 premiere of love life last sunday (a great example of one of anna's projects that has touched my rotted heart) and by a stroke of luck had the chance to talk to anna and briefly thank her for how much her work has meant to me over the past 9 years. and whew nothing really compares to the feeling of finally telling someone "hey, what you've done and what you've put out there has changed me in a really profound way."

she could not have been kinder to me (suck it tiktok weirdos), which i'm super grateful for because i was admittedly shaking like a wet dog and didn't want to impede on her space at her event. i also had been having a really rough couple of weeks and didn't realize how much i just needed someone to say something nice or give me a casual compliment, and i especially didn't realize the person to give me that compliment would end up being anna kendrick.

anyway this was a lot of words that no one will read and it was mostly all for me to get it out but idk the past week and a half has been super cathartic for my inner child and my spirits are super high. i am the first person to criticize celebrity culture and toxic standom but i also have my fair share of good experiences with it all and i'm happy i had the chance to do some time travel of sorts lately. ok i'm gonna go watch anna on corden now ❤️

[carpisuns]

I don't mean any disrespect here, but as a fellow religious bisexual person, I think it's important to note the harmful things you stated in your ask answer. I'm not trying to state how you should or shouldn't view the overlap of you sexuality and religious identity, but you said some kind of harmful things that need to be addressed. "Passing as straight" is already a kind of biphobic thing to say, it's often used to explain why bisexuals aren't queer enough to be in lgbt+ spaces. (1/3)

(response under the cut)

I'm very sorry if you were hurt by my response. That was certainly not my intent. I was simply describing my own personal journey to accepting my sexuality and becoming comfortable with my identity label. This is all still pretty new to me, as I only started identifying as bi last September and am still closeted to almost everyone I know IRL, including my immediate family.

My comment about "passing" as straight was just me describing my attitude before I understood or accepted my sexuality. Since I am a woman who experiences attraction to men, I just assumed I was straight for most of my life and I repressed my attraction to women. I'm not saying that's a good or healthy or desirable thing to do—actually the opposite. Because it was very freeing for me to finally acknowledge my same-gender attraction and call myself what I am: bisexual. I hope to contribute to a safe, welcoming space where everyone can feel that same sense of release by being open about their experience as a queer person.

I'm afraid I don’t really understand your point about ignoring same-sex attraction. By openly identifying as bisexual, I’m doing the opposite of that. If I were ignoring my SSA, I would not identify as queer at all. I am choosing to acknowledge it. And when I'm ready to come out to my parents and other people in my life, I will be asking them to acknowledge it too. The point of me identifying as bi and putting it in my bio is to show that I can be both queer and religious.

If what you meant by ignoring SSA is choosing not to engage in same-gender relationships, I see those as two different things. To me, attraction/identification is separate from behavior. I’m not sure what your faith background is, but in my faith, I would not be able to participate fully anymore if I chose to engage in same-gender relationships. My same-gender attraction and identification as a queer person does not affect my standing in the Church, but my choice to have romantic relationships with other women would. I would still be welcome at church and could participate to a certain extent not matter what, but I would no longer be able to receive certain ordinances of the faith. This has not always been an easy thing to accept and I'm very sad about it sometimes, but I do not doubt God's love for me and other LGBTQ people, and I strongly feel that as difficult as it is, I am still where I'm supposed to be. It's really scary to talk about this, but I feel like it's important to have these difficult conversations so that hopefully we can facilitate a cultural shift within the Church for the members be more kind, accepting, and understanding of people with various experiences.

I also wanted to be clear that my choice to not date women is not me ignoring my same-sex attraction or denying my bisexuality. Bi people are bi no matter what—whether they date only men, only women, a mixture of both, or no one at all. I am trying my best to be true to who I am on all accounts, and it's not easy when I feel like I will be rejected on both sides—by the LGBTQ community and by my family and other religious people.

Please keep in mind that I am not a spokesperson for my church or Christianity as a whole, and I am also not a spokesperson for bi people or the LGBTQ community as a whole. I'm just a person with a blog. I can only speak for myself, and I shared my experience because I thought there might be a few people out there who are like me that would find it helpful. If you do not find it helpful, then please ignore it. I've described my personal choices, but I'm not telling anyone else what they should do or judging them in any way. I really want to create a safe, welcoming, supportive environment for people on my blog and in my life in general. I try to stay positive and show love and be kind because that, to me, is what it means to be a follower of Jesus Christ.

That being said, this is a personal fandom blog and I never intended to get into this kind of discussion anyway. I've tried to be respectful by tagging properly and putting things under a cut so that no one has to read it unless they choose to. If what I've said has really upset you, I'm very sorry and you can always unfollow or block me.

Thanks.

[rivetgoth]

I had this friend I met in the Hetalia fandom in like 8th-9th grade who was like, a lot older than me (I was like 12-13 when we met and she was like 17 or so), and we were REALLY close for a really long time, we'd talk and call every day and it got to a point where she was really dependent on me in this awful way where she would like constantly threaten suicide if I didn't answer her texts fast enough and shit like that. She was really rich cuz her dad was a doctor and one time she bought me an entire fucking Xbox One (I did not ask for it like... I'd always been a PlayStation gamer LOL) because she didn't have anyone to play Halo with her. My family still has it and uses it as a DVD player/Netflix machine.

Anyway the really batshit thing about this person (BESIDES the fact that she was like, definitely a pedophile who loved shota and frequently sexted me after she'd turned 18+ and I was like 14 and she also had both a bestiality and incest fetish that she'd talk to me about constantly — I was a kid I had no moral concept of anything and just liked being edgy and feeling mature) was that she was like. A chronic liar who constantly faked identities. And for years after cutting off contact with her I would look back and realize that she had faked even more than I had noticed at the time. The thing is, I knew for sure she wasn't lying about her home life -- Her address, what she looked like, her dad's profession, her age, her house, her pets, etc, were all things I had proof of. But when I knew her she was constantly remaking her Tumblr to escape drama she'd start, and she would constantly make side blogs under pseudonyms and pretend it wasn't her (sometimes it would be random shit like aesthetic blogs under different names or ask blogs for characters or smthn, other times it was like, callout blogs for people she had gotten into drama with where she would pretend to be someone else defending her). I assumed back then that I was always going to be in on it, because she would always tell me whenever she made one of these fake accounts, and sometimes she would encourage me to make a new account too as a sort of roleplay thing where we both pretended to be people we weren't... Until I learned that she wasn't always telling me. Every so often, I would become mutuals with a new account who would start messaging me about my interests and strike a conversation with me. Then something would slip and my "new mutual" would admit that they had actually been my friend all along... Which should have made me immediately cut contact because that's weird as shit, but I was young and she was a close friend, so I would just sorta accept it.

She ended up being like, horrifically transphobic. She got run off her blog twice for being specifically transmisogynistic, first insisting that she was allowed to headcanon canon trans women as feminine men and then on her next blog insisting that lesbians couldn't be attracted to trans women. I was still young and closeted and she was one of my closest friends and was constantly messaging me that the situation was making her suicidal and she was just wording things wrong and totally supported trans people and people just weren’t giving her the benefit of the doubt and she was still learning so I tried to just stay out of it without losing her. Then... I came out as trans lol. She stopped replying to me when I first came out and then made a bunch of vents on her tumblr about how much it upset her and about how “using he/him pronouns for AFAB people is triggering” for whatever fucking reason. She told me her “best IRL friend” who she had introduced me to once on Skype but who never logged in again after and who refused to ever do a group call or anything (definitely another fake account) said that it was irrational for me to expect my friends to respect my pronouns so soon after coming out and that I shouldn’t be upset if I get misgendered. Then she apologized but told me my name and pronouns would never fit me. As you can imagine, as a little baby trans kid who was closeted from my family and terrified of even having come to terms with being trans, I didn’t really have a great defense.

Soon she started being really woke like 2014 style Tumblr SJW to save face, she came out as nonbinary and told me in private it was because she felt bad when people called her cis during discourse (she absolutely wasn't nonbinary) and she coined a "new sexuality" that was "attraction only to people you perceive as feminine, regardless of how they identify" -- what this actually meant was "attraction to cis women and not trans women." She ran an aroace help blog despite not being aroace? And made a bunch of pride flags that I still see around sometimes to this day. She would start fights a lot and try to out-woke people and got into a bunch of drama with other SJW types of the day, got into a bunch of drama with TumblrInAction and Mogai-Watch and shit like that, and she claimed for a short while that she had a headmate (FWIW I totally believe DID is a legitimate thing but like. Trust me on this one.) who was transphobic and that it made her so sad, she told me that it was actually that headmate that had been transphobic before, and every so often her headmate would front out of nowhere and misgender me and use really abusive language like calling me a cunt or a bitch or whatever. She started making these "intersex nonbinary" OCs who she would constantly make porn of under the guise that they were representation for LGBT people who were just like, extremely fetishistic cuntboys and dickgirls (they were “intersex” to explain why they could be “girls with natal penises” or “boys with natal vaginas”).

At that same time, she somehow always managed to have these random, very sporadically active trans women mutuals who were apparently amazing friends of hers, who shared some interests with her but also would defend her when people brought up her past, with these long-winded “Well, I’m a trans woman and I think what she said is perfectly justified and everyone makes mistakes and she’s always been a good ally!!” Then one day some trans woman received an ask from her account where she claimed to be a “black trans woman” (she was, of course, a white cis woman) and she freaked out and claimed she had “been hacked by TiA or 4Chan to make her look bad” — I realize now she had just been sending anon messages pretending to be things she wasn’t and forgot to hit anon LOL. Late in all of this she also got into a bunch of hot water for being really antisemitic and saying she didn’t trust Jewish people because they were just like Christians and like, 5 seconds later she came out as Jewish and wrote this whole long sad vent about how she had had internalized antisemitism and then started going by a random Hebrew name LMAO.

In the end the final breaking point was when I found her secret TERF blog, where she had been making posts for months about how trans men are just insecure women who are trying to escape misogyny by stepping on the backs of “fellow women” and using me as a fucking example, and also saying that me not coming out as a trans man had been “basically rape” since she had been SEXTING me when she was 18+ and I was 13-14+ and that it was traumatic to know someone she had trusted was secretly identifying as a man LMAO. She was also obviously saying all sorts of transmisogynistic things, but also had these really bizarre fetish posts about wanting trans women to fuck her...? I confronted her about it and she literally fucking out of nowhere told me that she was in the emergency room with a mysterious illness that might kill her and she was allowed to have her phone but due to privacy laws couldn’t send a picture as proof. While “in the hospital” she deleted the TERF blog and her personal blog. I had known her for literal YEARS at this point (we had met when I was 12-13 or so and by the time we no longer spoke I was a few months from 17), and I was completely stunned to fucking hear this person trying to pull “I’m in the hospital with a deadly disease” at being confronted for some shit like that LMAO. I made a post about it on my public and another “trans woman friend” of hers logged in to vehemently defend her by saying that there’s nothing wrong with AFAB women being untrusting of trans people because female oppression is uniquely traumatic and that there’s nothing wrong with women expressing their sexuality by sexting minors as long as the minor consents and that I was the real predator for “hiding that I was a man” (remember, I’d been a 13 year old closeted trans boy), before never logging in again... 😭 One of the last times we ever talked was when she demanded I refund her for the fucking Xbox and I refused.

Anyway, the long-term aftermath of that is that a few people online (in some random cringe areas of the internet) who archived some of her antics still think that I also wasn’t a real person, since they caught onto how much she lied about too, so they think I was also a sock puppet and I have no interest in clarifying and making myself known to those people LOL. I have no fucking idea where she is now, she deactivated everything after her being a TERF came out. There’s like, so much more to that I could say because I knew her for YEARS and, like I said, she was one of my “closest friends.” Her parents had wildly expensive pure bred designer dogs that she would make Vines of. She wrote Beatles real person fan fiction. For her birthday one year I made her a shirt on Zazzle with an inside joke about one of her OCs... does she still have that? Either way, she was easily the most batshit person I’ve ever known closely online and I will forever associate the Hetalia fandom with people like that.

[snorlaxlovesme]

This is just uh. A thing. A long thing. I actually drafted it back in July during Pride Month but chickened out before I could post it. But then I discovered that Ace Week exists and what better time to rant about the quintessential Ace Experience(TM) amiright?

.

I’ve struggled to define my sexuality since I was like 17. I can remember me and some of my girl friends going to the mall and talking about boys. I was currently teetering around a relationship with one of our male friends and they asked me to define why I was attracted to him and I couldn’t. They didn’t really think anything of it, moved along in the conversation and said “well X isn’t my type, so I guess I wouldn’t get it.” But the conversation stuck with me.

1. Because I never really thought the idea of a “type” was real. I didn’t think people ACTUALLY arbitrarily decided who wasn’t worthy of their affection based on a random set of archetypes. I thought they were shallow for saying that about him. I thought it was a mean concept to not let someone be “your type.”

2. Not being able to identify what I DID find attractive about him was....off. Like sure, he looked fine, but tbh he looked like an average teenage white boy and I couldn’t really pick out a physical identifier that made me want him. That seemed like a bad thought to have about one’s significant other.

Needless to say, that non-relationship went nowhere and I eventually told him I wasn’t feeling it. I thought I just wasn’t mature enough for relationships yet.

At age 18 I had my first kiss. Another male friend of ours. Another relationship I’d been teetering around. I had told him multiple times that I didn’t like the idea of dating him so soon after I had broken things off with X. It felt weird, too soon, let’s hold off. But part of me also didn’t like the fact that I was 18 and had never been kissed. It wasn’t at the forethought of my mind all the time, but it lingered back there. Maybe it was because, puberty-wise, I was a late bloomer. Maybe it was because, in my friend group, I was always somehow dubbed “the innocent one.” I didn’t want to continue being late for every major marker in life, so when Y took me up on a hill at sunset and said “I’m going to kiss you now” I let him.

It was not what I thought it would be. All the magical descriptions of kisses in YA books were drastically over-selling the experience. The first one was nice enough, but I couldn’t help but thinking “this feels exactly like kissing a relative” and being a little relieved and little disappointment that the sensation was exactly the same. The second kiss was much worse because he put his tongue in my mouth and I quickly discovered I hateddd that.

I thought that maybe it was Y’s fault. I didn’t like him the way he liked me, so there was no magic. No spark. But also maybe I was just doing it wrong? He did kind of imply that I wasn’t the best kisser (god, how romantic) and so maybe the more we did it the more I would like it?

We went on one more date after that, and almost every time we made eye contact he tried to kiss me. It was horrible. I spent the better part of the day actively trying to not look at him because I didn’t know how to tell him I didn’t want to do it anymore. That seemed like a bad thought to have about one’s significant other.

Needless to say, it didn’t work out. I’d like to say I handled the situation as maturely as with X, but in reality I ghosted this kid for like 2.5 months and eventually sent him a facebook message saying I wasn’t feeling it. I figured I wasn’t mature enough for relationships yet.

College I had no time for relationships, or so I told myself. Maybe I didn’t have the mental capacity for them because I was too busy wishing I would get hit by a bus (higher education did not go great for someone with undiagnosed ADHD). I kind of assumed everyone also felt the same way, but people were coupling up around me left and right. Everyone had the same stressors I had, maybe even more so, and yet they had time to form new relationships and have noisy sex in the dorm room next to mine. I didn’t have time, though.

My roommate asked me in those first few years if maybe I was asexual. I actually got mad at her for even implying it. Asexuals were emotionless robots who were so repulsed by sex they didn’t even want to THINK about it. I talked about sex with my friends all the time! I masturbated when she wasn’t around like every other day! How dare she even insinuate that I might be one of those people. I just wasn’t ready to be in a relationship yet.

And sure, I’d been on tumblr for years at that point. I’d been relatively educated about the LGBT community and its various factions. But nothing about it screamed ME. All those people seemed to have the same shared experience of knowing who they were since forever, of experiencing some form of discrimination based on who they were. I had always been straight, right? And no one’s ever discriminated me for who I liked. 

It was weird, though. Getting older and hearing more and more people talking about sex and just like, NOT feeling the same way. Was talking to my friends in a group chat one day, and one of them was head over heels for one of her coworkers. Not in love, but I-wanna-rip-off-your-McDonald’s-uniform-and-fuck-you-right-here-in-the-break-room (do McD’s even have break rooms? whatever) lust. She’s like, “you know that electricity you feel when you’re next to someone you really, really like. where every time you get close to them you feel this MAGNETISM and your entire body feels hot--”

--and all I could think of was how that sounded EXACTLY how Bella described her feeling towards Edward in Twilight, and just how ridiculous it sounded. That’s some YA bullshit, that’s not real.

And then our other friend in the chat was like “yeah.”

Oh. Well I guess I just have a lower sex-drive than you guys. That’s whatever.

I didn’t really identify as asexual until I saw a post about an aspec identity called autochorissexuality. 

The term autochorissexual describes a subset of asexuality which is defined as: a disconnection between oneself and a sexual target/object of arousal; may involve sexual fantasies or arousal in response to erotica or pornography, but lacking any desire to be a participant in the sexual activities therein.

That...kinda sounded like me....

Like I said, I masturbated and all that jazz so I assumed I couldn’t be asexual. I literally loved orgasms. I read smut and watched porn to get off like I assumed the rest of the world did, not even really realizing that a lot of people...get off...thinking about people doing stuff....to THEM.

I do not think about people I know when I masturbate. It feels incredibly weird for them to pop up in any of my fantasies, and I kinda just assumed that meant I wasn’t attracted to any of them (which I’m not), so it was fine. It didn’t really occur to me that I literally NEVER fantasize about myself when I get off. If I read smut I’m thinking of the characters. If I watch porn I’m thinking of the actors. Never am I imagining someone hot and sexy doing hot and sexy things to me. I’m not even very good at getting off based on my imagination alone, unless I’m basically writing my own smut in my head and imagining what THEY enjoy. The thought of imagining things being done to ME feels weirdly...embarrassing? I don’t know. I don’t dig it, so I don’t think it. 

Again, it did NOT even occur to me that that might not be how other people operated.

I also didn’t know that asexuality COULD have subcategories like that, other than aromanticism, which was an identity I toyed with for a while and ultimately am still unsure about.

But learning that liking orgasms =/= allosexual was kind of a wake-up for me. 

After learning about autochorissexuality (which, while I am incredibly, infinitely grateful that someone coined that term so I could learn more about myself, I will never identify as because it is a mouthful and I honestly don’t know how to pronounce it), I began identifying as asexual. I was 21 at the time. I’m almost 26 now.

A couple people know. Mostly people who follow me on tumblr that I also know in real life. I never really had to “come out” to them per se because they saw my posts and rolled with it. Wasn’t a big deal. I think that I actually had a conversation and TOLD those friends in that group chat, but that didn’t feel like coming out, more like all of us finally coming to a realization about me we should have figured out a lot earlier. Also, they’re friends from tumblr, so they’re not the types to make a big deal out of that stuff either.

Even though I have a couple of tumblr friends that I skype with regularly, I don’t really bring it up in conversation that much. Like two of my irl friends (who, again, follow me on tumblr) know, and we don’t really talk about it much either. It’s there, we all know, but if I don’t bring it up, they don’t either.

I’ve never really “come out” before. Had to sit someone down and have the conversation. Part of me thinks it’s kind of pointless, because whether or not I’m sexually attracted to others isn’t any anyone else’s business, really. It doesn’t super impact my work life or my life with my friends or family, so why does it need to be said? If I decided I liked women and wanted to date one, that would be a big change that I’d have to address to someone. But me being asexual is just me continuing to not have sex with anyone, the way I always have. Seems like a weird thing to cause a fuss about.

But it’s part of me. And I want to talk about it sometimes. 

But I don’t even know how that conversation would go. Asexuality is a relatively invisible subset of the LGBTQIA+ community. Like, it’s the last letter, the one that often gets cut off. And when people do bring up the A, it’s for Ally. I’m not gonna get into the discussion about that, I don’t know enough queer history to form a hot take, but the point still stands that many people don’t know about asexuality. And while it seems relatively easy to explain, I guess--

”I don’t experience sexual attraction”

--it also feels way more complex than that. And I’m not very good at articulating why I’m NOT something else when I have a hard time identifying what that something even IS. I was the kid who thought having a “type” was shallow and mean! It didn’t occur to me that people’s sexual fantasies INCLUDE THEMSELVES AS PARTICIPANTS. So how do I explain my lack of attraction to people?

But maybe I’m being too reductive of the masses. Like, I’m not the brightest bulb in the bunch but *I* was able to learn what was asexuality was on my own. Who’s to say others haven’t? Maybe I won’t need to give an informative slideshow every time I come out to someone.

...But what if I’m wrong? What if I get into a relationship one day and I find myself INCREDIBLY attracted to my partner? What if I get into a relationship with a WOMAN one day and realize that I was les/bi/pan this whole time? I know that demisexuality exists, I know that sexuality is a spectrum and people are constantly learning about themselves and evolving. I don’t want to downplay that or..or...invalidate that. I know. But I’m an idiot. And I can’t help feeling that if I come out and commit to fun new adjective about myself and then all of a sudden that adjective doesn’t fit me anymore I’ll be labelled as fraud for forever and ever. 

I know that’s probably unlikely for the most part. But it’s still something that’s there in my mind that I feel every time I think about talking about it.

I don’t know. Part of me doesn’t know why I’m writing this post because there isn’t some grand conclusion to my narrative or sweeping answer to my problems. My story continues for as long as I live and maybe things will change and maybe they won’t. I’d like to be able to come out one day and say it. To my sisters. To my coworkers. To some random dude hitting on me who seems kind enough to understand there’s a reason I’m reluctant to flirt back. Probably not to my parents. I don’t know if I want to present the slideshow to them about my lack of sex life, nor do I think they would handle my act of vulnerability with grace or tact (boomers, y’know).

I guess I can end this post by saying that it’s not all bad. Not being “out” kinda sucks, but right now, knowing is enough. There are a hundred other micro situations from my past similar to the ones I spelled out above that made me wonder what was wrong with me. I wanted to be able to like someone the way other people did, to have a normal relationship, but I couldn’t force myself to do it and I didn’t know what was stopping me. The whole am I just broken  conversation whirled through my head many a night in college when insomnia prevented me from sleeping and depression stopped me from giving myself a fucking break. It sucked, and maybe it’s a little grim to think of asexuality as a diagnosis to a lifetime of symptoms, but that’s kind of what it felt like.

And that’s not bad! Why? Because i know that I’m not alone and that this is NORMAL . Being asexual is not being broken! It’s something that many people identify with! And honestly that thought alone thrills me enough to make this whole ridiculous narrative worth it. There’s a whole world of people out there feeling the exact same way as me, and none of us are wrong for feeling that way. It is unreal the kind of confidence that gives you.

My friend from earlier, the one who desperately wanted to bang her co-worker, she said something to me the other day that struck me with how far I’ve come in terms of my identity. I was sobbing to her on the phone about a shitty thing in my life, as one does, and she pointed out how the strangest things will get to you while others don’t even have an effect. If someone mentions how I don’t have my drivers license at the ripe old age of 25 I legitimately have a breakdown on the phone with her about it, but if people make jokes about me being a virgin I don’t even bat an eye. 

And it IS weird. If someone would have made a virgin joke at me at age 20 I probably would have spiralled into one of my late-night, crying-into-my-pillow sessions about how much I fucking SUCK at being a human, but at age 25 it’s just...whatever. As someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction, why WOULD I have had sex already? If I don’t seek it out, don’t want it, it’s not gonna be a part of my life, you know? And I don’t care. Past me, without this identifier, would have cared deeply. Current me could go her entire life without having sex and I don’t think it would drastically effect her mood. 

It’s weird how one little word can turn things around for you like that.

[alchemist-shizun]

have you ever do coming out? how it was?

I did, and let me tell you, I'm really really lucky, even if not every one of them was a good experience.

I've only fully come out to my other LGBT+ friends, online or irl, who are of course very accepting of everything.

I've come out about my sexuality only (the one I identified with at the time, which actually I realized wasn't for me this year) to a very few number of irl non lgbt+ friends in different occasions, it went really well in both, one quite literally made me feel like it was the most normal thing in the world since I was telling a story and he was completely unfazed when I mentioned I had a gf. The other two were really happy I could open up and trust them and were really supportive and would always ask me how it went with the girl I was with at the time. (these two were around 2018)

Then my family. Well.

This one's a little complicated because it's not that they hate me or kicked me out or anything I just kinda.. Feel like they don't care. And it's the type where you would be scared to bring up anything about the community because you're convinced they wouldn't care nor want to know anything. It's the type of "as long as you don't bother me I don't mind." which is the type of mindset my dad has a lot in regards to my sister's bf (just fyi, she's 21 and he's 23 so like... Wow thanks. Sometimes I feel bad for how he treats her about her bf.)

So when I came out about my sexuality to my mum, she was fine with it, we just talked about some lighthearted stuff.

Then she asked me something where I made a huge mistake, she said "do you want me to tell dad for you?" and I said yes, since I'm too scared. Well in hindsight I should've kept my mouth shut about it: see basically at the time I had an online girlfriend who was a couple of years older than me, and I mentioned that to mum, and basically when my dad confronted me, he did it in the worst way possible.

He was mad I was in a relationship with this person and he claimed she promised me something out of it?? Like I was with her only because of something and not because we liked each other. He hated (I think he still does, softened up a bit because my sister has had a long distance bf for 1 year) internet friendships or relationships and my mum lowkey did too because she kept saying how basically it's not real because it's all digital and digital life isn't real. (this really upsets me because what, then you would excuse cyber bullying with that type of reasoning? But whatever, not the topic)

So he was really mad at me and demanded he looked through my phone, to which I couldn't say no or else he would think I was hiding something (and anyway, if I said no he would've done it anyway), and he started looking through the entire chat (and other ones with my friends) and read thousands of texts.

Now at the time I had only said I liked both boys and girls cause I know the concept of nonbinary is already too complicated for them to understand and unfortunately my dad came across the label pansexual (since the gf at the time was pan), I explained it to him and he just said I read too many things on the internet.

Imagine how hurt I was because that was actually how I used to identify back then.

Things escalated during those months, everytime he got mad at me, he would randomly take my phone and read conversations I had with this girl and he would comment on them just because and make me feel even worse, he basically hated her and lowkey hated the fact that I was with her.

The worst thing was that I sadly vented to her about him sometimes and he would basically prohibit me to vent and that's how I ended up deleting every single vent moment I had right after we talked. Years later I come to know that my sister had actually access to my chatting app and would tell my dad what we said, which is why he told me back then "I know you're deleting texts".

My mum wanted to send me to therapy because she didn't understand a single thing of what I said when I said I wasn't sure whether I liked boys girls AND more or just boys and girls. She thought I meant I didn't know if I was straight or not, I meant I didn't know if I was bi or pan, which is why I never mentioned gender identities to them and why I am closeted about me being nonbinary to them. (btw this was the understanding of the difference between bi and pan at the time, I was 15, I now know it's more complicated than that.)

About my sister, she came to know in the worst way possible too. For some reason I was afraid she would be homophobic and after I told mum, there was this one time I was at a restaurant with family friends and my cousins, aunt and uncle.

May I say I was sitting right between my cousin and my sister and in front of my aunt.

Unprompted, she asks me if I'm gay, but like she used this Italian phrase that I really don't like much, since it's usually used to make jokes by straight people about someone being gay.

I was there like GOD FUCKING DAMN IT we're LITERALLY next to our cousin and aunt COULD U SAY THAT LOWER. I told her I wasn't straight and, I don't remember much really, but she was offended I didn't tell her first. Like, wow, okay, coming out is difficult as fuck, but go on, be offended.

I had to go to the bathroom right after because I had an anxiety attack.

After things quieted down with my parents (as in my dad wasn't taking my phone as much), things started escalating with the girl I was with, she assumed a rather toxic behavior and I ended up dumping her.

Can still remember how my sister told me dad had said "thank goodness" when he learnt I wasn't with that girl anymore.

How also my mum said "cmon maybe next time you'll get a boyfriend". Wonderful comfort mum yes I already had a bf before, he dumped me one month after because he liked someone else not sure I want to try the experience again!! :)

Anyway, this is the reason why I do not talk about my relationships to my parents anymore. I had a girlfriend for almost 2 years and my dad knew nothing. My sister did because she actually grew a little bit better about this stuff (she's the embarrassing questions type, but at least she's not a bitch) and my mum knew around 6 months in, because she asked and we were alone. (I still think she thinks I'm a lesbian)

Also the reason why, when I got a pride flag while on school journey in the UK, I hid it in my drawer. And the reason why I'm terrified of asking of going to pride.

As of now, I have a lovely partner and yes, my entire family absolutely doesn't know and will not know if not strictly necessary. Maybe I will tell my sister, I was thinking about it, because that could probably make some personal stuff less difficult to do.

See, technically it's not that bad now, we just never bring it up at all and I never think about the clusterfuck of things that happened in 2016.

[bananonbinary]

hey, can you reccomend tips for getting more friends? you said how it's easy on that one post mentioning when friends are mean, but I've been trying for a while now but it's hard to find places that won't set my anxiety off or would be respectful of they/them pronouns for me. If you don't have any that's okay ! have a good day !

okay this turned into a pretty long ramble that isnt very well organized, sorry.

honestly idk that was probably a poor choice of words on my part. i’m not super fantastic at friendship myself, partially because my autism makes it so i can only really handle having like 3 friends at a time without getting overwhelmed. i dont want to belittle people’s struggles with this, just offer hope that once you manage to exit the place you’re in now where people DON’T respect you, however long that takes, you’ll find there are places where people DO respect you.

all of that said tho, i HAVE found it to be fairly easy to cultivate good and positive online relationships. you just find someone who has similar interests and share some fan theories or send a post you think they’d like or something. it’s important when starting an online relationship to give the other person something to talk about. fandom is a good starting place. don’t just be like “hey you seem nice, wanna talk? :)” because while that’s a perfectly polite greeting, it doesn’t really give the other person anything to work with. discord groups are pretty good too for being able to talk with people with similar interests without feeling like you have to manage the entire conversation.

as for IRL, i’m not as experienced with that because like i said its just not terribly feasible for me, but gender/sexuality shiz can be a really good starting point if it’s like a major part of your life. ALL of my IRL friends are other queers i met while in an extremely toxic conservative christian environment. nothing like a lil shared anxiety to grow closer as people lmao. things like lgbt+ groups or cons are good for finding people who meet that baseline, and then you can move from there. (LGBT+ stuff is meant as like, an example here. the point is, what’s important to you? find someone else who shares that and talk to them about it!)

my biggest Friendship thing i guess is just like, be super transparent and honest with people (as long as it’s safe). generally in my experience, people want to be friends, and want to be understood. so once you find a person you want to be friends with, just plow through those awkward conversations. tell them if something they said bothers you. affirm them when they do something that makes you happy. encourage them to do the same. always assume good faith if you’re investing in a relationship with them. message them when you want to talk. submit to the terrifying ordeal of being known.

it doesn’t have to be clean or dramatic, my friends all know what a fucking mess i am with these conversations and my pathalogical need to make it sound like a joke, but the important thing is being honest with each other. that’s the only way i know to go from acquaintance to someone you trust. you gotta build it from the ground up.

and yeah, depending on where you are in life right now, you might not be able to find a Perfect Best Friend right off the bat. especially if you’re still young, a lot of people might have a few ideas kicking around you don’t agree with, or who can’t necessarily engage with you on topics that you think are important. you get to decide whether those ideas are a deal breaker or not. i’m not saying you have to be friends with people you don’t like/trust, but if you find someone who encourages you and improves a part of your life, it’s okay if they can’t be in ALL of your life. for example, religion is quite important to me, but many of my friends are triggered by it. so they can support me in some things, and i go to other people for faith-related stuff.

relatedly, its important to know not every relationship is going to be a Super Special Best Friend, and that’s okay! its important to cherish the people who you just talk about shoes or whatever the fuck with, if they brighten your day a lil that’s a worthwhile friendship.

[werevulvi]

Writing this text led me to several important realisations, suddenly crying my heart out, and then feeling a lot better. So I felt it’s important to post. Also I’ve got a question towards the end, for anyone who knows how to use tumblr better than I do. Sudden internalised lesbophobia thought of today, me to myself: "Even if there was a cure for homosexuality, I would never want it..." "...wait... I said 'cure' didn't I?" "Oh, shit. Well if that ain't a freudian slip, I don't know what possibly could be."

That's... my doubled-sided coin in a nut shell. Trapped in one single sentence. I don't actually want for my sexuality to change, even if that was possible (which was what I thought I meant to say), cause I'm happier with other women than I could ever even imagine being with men let alone was, like really a hell of a lot happier with women and I want to nurture and savour that, and I live in one of the most pro-lgbt countries in the world... but I'm still struggling to view it in a fully healthy light. My dumb brain still whispers that it goes against nature, that it's somehow sick. Why do I care? Sitting by a computer obviously goes against nature too, and praying to Satan while wearing a hooded black robe in a dark candle lit room at midnight is often considered "sick" by some people too, and kinda for the same dumb reasons (meaning a harmless something that just goes against people’s personal beliefs), but apparently I have no moral quarrels with those sort of activities. But clearly my women-loving activities, whether romantic or sexual, keep grinding my gears.

Like... maybe that's also intrusive thoughts? Aside from my "regular" sexual intrusive thoughts, I mean. Cause really what else is up with those random "voices" whispering homophobic shit to me? Of course they're intrusive thoughts. I can't believe I didn't realise that before. I'm such an idiot! Oh well, better late than never, here we go again *pats my own shoulder*

However, I had a good conversation today with an acquaintance who might become a friend. He's a gay man, somewhere in his late 40's, very sweet, humble yet straight-forward and kinda blunt, and talks really a lot. He hosts "rainbow cafe" events in the only city on this small island around once or twice a month, which is casual gathering for lgbt people and allies. Sometimes, it's just me and him, because no one else attended. As was last evening, just he and I, and we ended up talking about everything from David Bowie to homophobia in muslim countries, and from to "Will and Grace" to his ex/on-off boyfriend and my girlfriend. I always love hearing him talk of his ex boyfriend. They seem worlds apart yet very understanding and caring of each other, and casually bickering like they've known each other forever. It's clear to me that they're still very good friends. It was perhaps a seemingly simple, just friendly conversation, but it felt so good. Like... just fucking finally having a normal conversation with another gay person about gay stuff irl. I don't know why but that makes me cry right now. Fuck, I just need to feel normal and not just be told that I'm normal. Cause there is a big difference. And during that conversation with him I felt normal. He didn't say it, not even once, but he made me feel normal by simply treating me as if I was. That's it... that clicked something within me. I don't cry often, so when I end up bawling like that... I KNOW it's important. Cause it only happens that I cry when a feeling is so strong I can't possibly bottle it. Instead it explodes. Now I feel a hell of a lot better... wow, that was cleansing! Also I finally managed to tell him about my detransition, which I had not been able to muster before, and then I've met him during those kind of cafe events some 5-10 times by now for a whole year. But now it was easy. I felt considerably more confident than ever, which made me far more conversational than I've been in a long time, and his reaction to that was... he seemed unphased.

Not shocked, not clenching his gut in discomfort at the thought of the horror I must be going through. He seemed to understand it's a difficult process, but didn't make a big deal out of it. In that sense too, he made me feel normal. It's not about me being normal, just feeling it. If even just for rare moments here and there. I've... never felt that way before. That's definitely worth crying over, and it's entirely connected to my internalised lesbophobia. Cause I think with my lesbian discovery, so soon after my detransition, it felt like insult to injury. Like I'll never be a normal woman at any point, no matter how far I detransition, cause I'll always be a lesbian woman. And I think that's the thorn that I didn't even know I had in my side, until it was forcibly pulled out. I no longer doubt I'm a lesbian. I haven't for the past few months. I haven't felt a single doubt about it since my girlfriend and I first got physical, and I mean it. I've felt and known sincere certainty about my sexuality ever since. Not just that I love her, and am very attracted to her, but that I just can't possibly feel that sorta thing towards any male. No man could ever make me wet by just kissing me, but she can. And I know why. It's as clear as the sun is bright. I think unfortunately though... the more sure I get that I really am a lesbian, through and through, the more scared of it I become. It's as if the more sure of it I become, the more inevitable it feels. Question is, why do I treat my homosexuality as some kind of inevitable doom? I read too much crap. No doubt that all the gut-wrenching homophobia that keeps popping up in my tumblr feed is getting to me, feeding my fantasies of corrective rape and drilling thoughts of it being "unnatural" and "wrong" into my already fragile and tormented skull. If only I could filter blog contents somehow without unfollowing or blocking anyone. Cause I want to read some 90% of the content of the radfem blogs I follow, but fuck it whenever I get face fucked with another post of absolutely vicious homophobia (especially when targetting lesbians specifically) I lose my ability to distance myself and I feel like utter and absolute shit. It sucks my ptsd-brain into a vacuum of impending darkness. I get (extra) vulgar when I'm upset. Sorry not sorry, it's a coping mechanism. Trust me, it lightens my mood, and that's the purpose of it.

Or in simpler language: I get a little triggered. Or like... badly triggered, but pushing it aside, pretending everything is fine and dandy, but my insides keep screaming and tossing about.

And I can't keep exposing myself to that, just hoping I'll get desensitised soon enough. I guess tumblr has some kind of function to filter out tags that I could try, but then you guys and gyns don't exactly always tag your shit. Sure it's good to expose homophobes' bigotry so more people will know about, absolutely. But I don't need any more exposure of that, thank you I've had enough. So oh well, oh well. Maybe I could create a second account for following blogs I know are crammed with such nasty shit I can't possibly avoid without making too big of a sacrifice, and keep my main blog clean from that, but means unfortunately unfollowing a lot. Which I don't wanna. Also I really don't have the spoons to create a second account and filter through all the 500 or so blogs that I follow. I just simply don't.

I don't fucking know. But that crap is really, really getting to me and I know I need to take some distance from all the horrid homophobia in the world, or at least a damn break from it. ~Cause I've got a feeling~ ~that it's stunting my healing~ I'm in such a strange mood tonight. My dark humour is coming to my defense. It's late, I need to sleep but I'm hyperactive due to being over-tired. Cause sometimes my brain just does the opposite to what it’s supposed to. It needs me to finish this first. But anyhows. If anyone's got any advice on how to avoid specific(-ally nasty) tumblr content without unfollowing (people who don't fucking tag their nasty posts), that'd be great. Desk top, not app, btw. I mean especially the endlessly big posts of more and more people adding cited quotes from TRA's such as "lesbians who don't like dick should be raped by girl dick, killed, gutted, turned into sex slaves, forcibly impregnated, yadda yadda" you know the drill. And oh it drills... If in any case a clarification was necessary.

[missfinefeather]

Wakraya

Also I just caught up with your SU Liveblog and

About your last post, I don't quite think you've gotta say much yourself if you've already told them and they keep Misgendering you. Dress however you want, be who you are, and if they find it weird or call you out on it, then you call them out. It lessens the pressure and, if they say anything, gives you the upper hand in a potential argument

MissFinefeather

I should give a bit of an update. So for Christmas, I got a lot of clothes from Men's Warehouse which I clearly didn't like where they came from. While it was mostly shirts with collars, they did go out of their way to make sure I had a lot of pink shirts in my wardrobe. So they are trying, just don't fully understand what I want.

Nora Diamond DeMayo

hugs

MissFinefeather

Hugs

May not do it today because Christmas, but I'll definitely talk to them about it, now that I understand that they are trying.

Nora Diamond DeMayo

I remembered how my mom replied to my "I wanna change my name to this one" with "It isn't girly" (it's gender neutral)

While one, it was a week or two after I came out-ish to her as nb, and two, my sister's birth name is gender neutral

MissFinefeather

Yeah, I'm lucky I'm not in that situation, I think they'll understand if I told them. I just don't tell them when something bothers me.

osm70

I can say one thing. I have never encountered transphobia or homophobia or whatever in my country (Czech Republic) at all. Ever. And then I discovered the international internet and I couldn't believe all the things I read.  At first,I literally didn't believe  that it's real. The idea of not respecting these people was so... weird and foreign.

Nora Diamond DeMayo

I wish it was weird and foreign to everyoneBut instead, we are the weird and foreign ones

Wakraya

hug!

osm70

It's still weird to think that the Czech LGBT experience and reception (pretty much no one minds and no one will disrespect you for it) isn't the standard one.

seer

hug

osm70

I guess our disrespect lies elsewhere.

For example religion. If you say that you are religious in to a Czech person's face, they will most likely call you insane.

But that's not the point. The point I am making here is that it was weird to me when I found out that homophobia and transphobia even exists.

MissFinefeather

Yeah, they are such irrational concepts

seer

I'm jealous

In Poland you can learn about existence of transphobia and homophobia before you learn that there are gay or trans people

And it's awful

osm70

Wait, what? How do you learn about oppressing something you don't know even exists?

MissFinefeather

Simple, by hearing it as an insult

Have you ever heard "Gay" on the school yard?

osm70

That's exactly the thing. i haven't. I have never heard "gay" used as an insult IRL. Sure, I saw it online, but that's all.

seer

I remember being a small kid and grandpa insulting "men in skirts" And my confusion, cause it's just clothes

MissFinefeather

I definitely know of gay people who've used "gay" as an insult their whole youth, but then find out what it meant in puberty and find out that's what they were. There's a reason depression is common for lgbt teens.

This is a pleasant conversation on Christmas xDDD

osm70

As for me personally, I don't care what your sex, gender and sexuality is. Hell, let's extend it to even more attributes: I also don't care about your fandoms, religion, political opinions, etc. I hate respect everyone.

(In regards to those attributes. I of course can hate and not respect someone who's a (not literal) dick.)

[sometimesrosy]

On this show, if you aren't suffering, then you aren't participating in the plot. The only way to 'protect' Raven would be to sideline her. If Raven were a real person, obviously the best thing for her would be to lead a happy, boring life. The 'best' thing for a character on a show like the 100 is to strive, to fight, to get hurt, to get back up and do it again. If Raven does these things more than other characters, good! It means she's one of the most important characters in the narrative.

ALSO, Raven is my favorite character, and seeing her in pain is painful for me. But that is the whole. point. of. the. show. To make you experience strong emotions, often negative ones. If you, as a viewer, don’t like that, then maybe a violent, dystopian sci-fi show is not for you. No judgment! But I think you came to the wrong place.

This is precisely my point of view. And I know people are up in arms about the POC suffering more on The 100, but I just don’t think that’s so and they’ll go through hoops to make it “the truth,” invalidating some characters suffering and high lighting others. Murphy is the character who has probably seen the most consistent, horrible torture and suffering (while actually killing the fewest number of people surprisingly.) But when people make these declarations, they somehow make it so he doesn’t count. Or Clarke. Who has been imprisoned and kidnapped and tortured and has suffered mental collapse for all the horror probably the worst of anyone, is also discounted, because her pain isn’t as physical. Although she’s been beaten up plenty and imprisoned too.

So like. If you erase the suffering of the characters who DON’T fit your hypothesis. And EMPHASIZE the suffering of the character who DO fit your hypothesis, then you are practicing confirmation bias. And your evidence fails to support your theory.

If you also then IGNORE the ratio of POC characters to white characters on the show, seeing as this is a show that has an IMMENSE proportion of POC characters, compared to the rest of tv, and point only to how many POC characters suffer, without recognizing that there are just MORE POC characters on the show. And MORE LEAD  POC characters… which means they are the stars of the show and their stories are important to the plot and for the character development, and means we’re SUPPOSED to feel more for the POC characters than Hollywood usually allows. 

If you then erase the representation of NON POC minorities, and ignore the representation of LGBT characters, or characters with a mental illness to prove your point, then you’re hypothesis gets even weaker.

If you invalidate the value of the representation of people with chronic illness, who IRL suffer constant pain, and tell those fans that watching Raven in pain (like they are) is bad, you are putting the “representation” over one group of minorities over the other and saying they don’t matter and that makes your thesis suspect and even harmful.

If you also WHITE WASH mixed POC characters and deny them their ethnicity and racial heritage all together just so your theory works, it is again WEAKER. Marcus Kane (Henry Ian Cusick) is Peruvian. His facial features are indigenous. He’s a POC, whether his skin is lighter or not. But I have heard him declared to be a white man again and again in service of these faulty theories. 

If you misunderstand the genre of post apocalyptic survival fiction, in which EVERYONE SUFFERS because it is about a dystopian idea of what happens when all the worst things in humanity win, and how humanity can struggle through the collapse of civilization and human kindness, and you don’t understand the VALUE of this kind of story, well then okay. You need to understand what you are watching so you can be an informed viewer. This genre is VALID and people can get a lot of good out of it. If it hurts you to see suffering, then that is also valid and you should not be watching this show. It is not to your taste. But that doesn’t make it wrong for us. It makes it wrong FOR YOU. And you should not be watching it. And you should not be informing people why it is evil, because you cannot understand the perspective of the people who do find value in it. 

If you also have NO IDEA what the purpose of conflict, suffering or struggle is in narrative structure, and equate “feeling bad” with “evil thing” and don’t understand that in order for a character to get stronger, they have to win through their struggle, face their fear, beat their pain and come out transformed, and don’t understand that conflict in the narrative makes for a better story, well then, you have no place speaking as an authority on how stories are told. And I am just no longer going to listen to you at all. Because you don’t know what you’re talking about. You are ignorant about the subject.

If you want to talk about what it means and how it feels to you and how I personally process it and what the genre is about and how you can reconcile the bad feelings with the bigger concepts and it’s something you are struggling with and want help and want to talk about… that’s okay. I welcome that kind of conversation. I might jump to conclusions or be defensive because of other conversations I’ve had, (where I’ve literally been told that I [a latina who lived, studied and taught exactly this subject] must be quiet because I don’t understand the POC experience, and have no right to speak,) but if you explain what you meant, and the struggles you are having I will apologize and try to help. If you jump to calling me names and insulting me I won’t, though. And I’ll block. 

[deathbycoldopen]

*vitual hug for all my spn folks*

I've (obviously) eased off of my involvement in spn stuff lately, partly because irl stuff got in the way and then because I realized I wasn't too concerned about falling behind on the show so I didn't bother catching up again. But, I still love all of you in the fandom very deeply, and I'll never forget or dismiss the impact this show and this fandom has had on my life.

That said, I am incredibly disappointed with what I've heard about 12x21 and Eileen's death. I won't make judgements about the quality of an episode I haven't seen (the majority of reviews I've seen say it was exposition-heavy and plodding, both of which are hallmarks of buckleming but not necessarily deal breakers), nor can I comment on how Eileen’s death fits into the overall narrative of the season when I’ve only seen half of it.  What I can say, though, is that character death to “”””””raise the stakes”””””” has been so overused in television today that I cannot imagine a situation where I would approve of killing off Eileen.  The fact that Supernatural just killed off a dynamic, interesting female character who represents a facet of society that is even more rarely represented than the queer community, and on top of that did it in the first five minutes of the episode, makes me want to change my handle to “No more death by cold open” instead.

So on that note, I wanted to share a paper that I wrote only a few weeks ago that is (sadly) appropriate to this situation.  The paper was a continuation of a discussion on the Bury Your Gays trope controversy that exploded last year, but I feel like the entire thing is pretty applicable to this situation as well.

Let Them Live: A Proposal by Hazel Howland

(read on google docs, or continue under the cut)

We Deserved Better

On April 21st, 2016, a single document began circulating the internet, among television fans and television creators alike.  The seven-point document had a simple point: “We deserved better.” (Carbone, Hosko, Tass, & Mama, 2016)

The pledged, dubbed “The Lexa Pledge” on Twitter, was a direct response to the sudden rash of lesbian and bisexual female character deaths on television.  The controversy began with the death of popular character Lexa on the CW’s The 100, an outcry centered around the TV trope called “Bury Your Gays,” and continued as more and more lesbian and bi female characters were killed over the course of just a few months.  In such a tense standoff between fans and creators, the Lexa Pledge was written by several writers and producers of the Canadian TV Show Saving Hope, in an attempt to offer a solution to the Bury Your Gays controversy.

But just how viable is the solution offered by the pledge?  The obvious option, that TV creators just don’t kill off LGBT characters, certainly lacks the nuance that the Lexa Pledge reaches for.  Simply not killing off LGBT characters would mean that in an Anyone Can Die situation, suddenly all queer characters are magically immune- and while as a queer woman the thought of immortality is appealing to me, in practice it’s not the most exciting of narratives.  It changes the stakes of the narrative from “anyone can die” to “anyone except this one character because they’re queer can die.”  Not only that, it might also encourage television creators to limit the number of LGBT characters in their shows- which, given how underrepresented LGBT characters are (Stokes, Bradford, & Townsend, 2016), would be fairly detrimental to the queer community.

The Lexa Pledge itself proposes a much more deliberate approach to the problem.  Of the seven promises included, two are concerned with the issue of representation above and beyond the Bury Your Gays trope; one acknowledges the need for informed consultants from the LGBT community itself; one even pledges to never mislead fans on social media.  The broad yet detailed approach ticks off all the boxes of the controversy- and yet, in the year since the pledge was first written, it hasn’t had much success.  One of the creators of the Lexa Pledge, Noelle Carbone, has even stated that “In retrospect perhaps it should’ve been a single more general statement pledging to do better. More people would’ve signed on to that version of the pledge.” (Liszewski, 2017).  The text of the pledge was intentionally exhaustive, she went on to explain, which limited its appeal (Liszewski, 2017).  It’s not hard to imagine that writers and producers not inclined towards the progressive would be hesitant to sign such an ideological and restrictive pledge.

The solution then needs to be something simple and general enough that it has wide appeal, perhaps not instead of the Lexa Pledge but in addition, something much more subtle that still results in fewer LGBT deaths.  After all, queer women aren’t the only characters on TV who are dying in droves- Vox lists two hundred and forty-two character deaths in the 2015-’16 TV season alone (Franmke, Zarracina, & Frostenson, 2016).  With this oversaturation of character death on television, death is no longer really an effective way to heighten the drama of any given show.  In that case, it seems like the best course of action is to kill (or perhaps revive?) two birds with one stone: press creators to focus on avoiding character death in general.  This will not only sidestep the Bury Your Gays issue, but it will also increase the emotional and financial impact of any given television show.

Don’t Kill Your Darlings

An oft-repeated piece of advice to aspiring writers is to “kill your darlings.”  The phrase itself has been attributed to many different sources over the years (Wickman, 2016), but no matter the originator, it’s usually referring to favored sentences or word choices that are ultimately unnecessary to the text, that the budding writer needs to trim from their work.  However, television writers and producers lately seem to be taking this advice far more literally, and killing off any fan-favorite character they want.  The usual excuse is that death “raises the show’s dramatic stakes,” but for the most part, “You’re doing it for shock value, even if what you’re trying to convey is that everyone in this [fictional] world can die.” (VanDerWerff, 2016).  Viewers become desensitized to the neverending barrage of death, especially when the character death isn’t particularly meaningful or well-done.  “In isolation,” VanDerWerff (2016) writes, “a death that is adequate, though not particularly stirring, becomes harder to take when there’s a whole wave of mediocre deaths around the programming grid.”

Character death does tend to create a lot of much-needed buzz around TV programs, but the Bury Your Gays controversy proves that not all publicity is good publicity.  The episode of The 100 that began the controversy, “Thirteen,” was rated a 5.7 on IMDB with wildly disparate ratings on either end of the scale- 60% of reviewers gave the episode a one out of ten, while 28% gave it a ten out of ten (IMDB, 2016).  Meanwhile, the ratings for the show dropped by 14% the episode after Lexa’s death, and with a few exceptions has been lingering around one million viewers since then, only about half the number that watched the first season (Wikia, 2016).  In fact, research has shown that “brands advertised in violent media content were remembered less often, evaluated less favorably, and less likely to be purchased than brands advertised in nonviolent, nonsexual media” (Lull & Bushman, 2015).  Given that television is a business based on advertisement revenue, that finding should be particularly relevant to any TV writer, producer, or executive pushing for character death.  Ultimately, they need to be asking themselves if the potential shock value is worth potentially alienating their fan base, crashing their ratings, and losing advertising revenue.

Getting There

We are living in the Golden Age of television, and the industry has changed rapidly and momentously in the past few years, thanks to streaming services like Netflix and Hulu.  With so much change comes opportunity for more- but in order to create a format where death isn’t stuffed into every episode of every TV show on air, both fans and writers need to put in some work.

It’s easy to forget with the structure of television, where episodes are written and filmed months before they’re aired with no time to change plots based on fan reactions.  But the fact of the matter is, the viewers are the ones who have purchasing power in television.  If the controversy and outcry is big enough, then fans can have a fundamental impact on the shows that we watch, from bringing a favorite character back to an entire show.  In order to do that, however, the push for change has to be huge and constant.  Fan outrage over Lexa’s death may have done considerable damage to The 100’s ratings, but the conversation about Bury Your Gays has long since petered out.  Most of the articles and fan reactions covering the controversy are from spring of 2016, and yet lesbian/bi female characters are still dying.  There might be still more as the TV season enters the home stretch, when most TV deaths tend to occur.  The conversation about Bury Your Gays and character death in general has to continue in order for the medium to change, and so that falls on the fans to keep the momentum going.

It’s the job of the fans to educate TV executives and creators on what they’re doing wrong.  It’s not enough to just quit any one show- they have to know why their numbers are suddenly dropping.  In this day and age we have more access to creators through social media than ever, and so it’s our responsibility to utilize those platforms to our fullest advantage.  Additionally, television is meant to elicit an emotional reaction from the audience, and the goal of any character death is to generate shock and buzz.  That means that in order for any message to the executives to be successful, it has to be smart; it has to explain that this is the wrong emotional reaction, and causing them to lose viewership.

Of course, fan response can only make so much of an impact; the brunt of the labor is on those actually working in television.  Readers, if any of you happen to be involved in the industry, this is for you.  As we move into the end of the 2016-’17 season and you begin work on the next, we TV fans, both casual and devoted, straight and LGBT*, have a simple request: let them live.  It doesn’t matter if the character you’re about to kill off is gay, straight, black, white, male, female, or none of the above- let them survive.  When characters are dropping dead left and right, it’s no longer raising the stakes when yet another one bites the dust; all you get from that is another stale narrative.

There’s an infinite number of conflicts and narrative arcs that can develop characters other than grief and death.  In fact, with the overwhelming number of shows chasing the Anyone Can Die format, it’s actually shocking and original when a show takes a different route.  It might seem restrictive to ask you not to kill of your characters, stifling your creativity, but if the arc you’re developing has been used so frequently, it isn’t really creative.  Your job is to think outside the box and create something dynamic and new, not just rehash the same plots over and over again.

Sometimes, character death is driven not by creative inspiration but by necessity, because an actor is leaving the show or some other mitigating circumstances.  But in that case, character death only precludes that character ever returning to the show (in most cases- some shows are fantastical enough that coming back from the dead isn’t an impossible occurrence).  Killing the character off in that case just means that options are now even more limited in the future.  Furthermore, actors leaving for other roles or because their contract is up are often well-publicized- meaning that any shock value in killing them off is doubly nullified by predictability.

Of course death and grief are very powerful and important life-changing events; it’s not fair or reasonable to ask that they be left unexplored in television.  In fact, some of the best episodes in television have been focused on the death of a loved one- personally, “The Body” from Buffy the Vampire Slayer comes to mind, but there are many, many more.  However, there are many other potential storylines that have a similar resonance with real life, like childbirth, first love, trauma, and so on, that can develop a character just as thoroughly as grief.  And the power of the death narrative is, by its nature, limited if it’s constantly used.  One death is a person; a hundred is a statistic.

The Lexa Pledge was on the right track in its call to action.  “We deserved better” and the seven pledges reminds all of us that the work to change the world of television.  But more than the toxic Bury Your Gays trope, television has given us a vision of a violent world, where lives- especially women, especially people of color, especially the queer community- are expendable.  We can’t just ask the industry to keep from killing queer women when others are considered just as expendable, and when death itself seems trite from overuse.  Exploring options other than killing off a character not only avoids the pitfalls of the Bury Your Gays trope, but also brings something fresh and exciting to a medium dominated by death.  It’s only a first step, of course.  Even keeping characters alive and well has very little impact on the representation of minority groups on television.  But at least, if the grim reapers of television can relax their scythes, the representatives that we do have won’t be dropping like flies, and that’s a start.

#LetThemLive

References

“Bury Your Gays”. (2010). TV Tropes. Retrieved from http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BuryYourGays

Carbone, N., Hosko, S., Tass, G., & Mama, M. (2016). A pledge to the LGBTQ fandom. Retrieved from https://lgbtfansdeservebetter.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/pledge2.1.3-originalsigned.pdf

Franmke, C., Zarracina, J., & Frostenson, S. (2016).  All the TV character deaths of 2015-’16, in one chart. Vox. Retrieved from http://www.vox.com/a/tv-deaths-lgbt-diversity

IMDB. 2016. User ratings for “The 100” Thirteen (2016). Retrieved from http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4731502/ratings?ref_=tt_ov_rt

Liszewski, B. (2017). How Saving Hope lived up to the Lexa Pledge. The TV Junkies. Retrieved from http://www.thetvjunkies.com/saving-hope-live-up-to-lexa-pledge/

Lull, R., & Bushman, B. (2015). Do sex and violence sell? American Psychological Association Journal. Retrieved from http://s3.amazonaws.com/academia.edu.documents/45488561/Lull_and_Bushman_-_Do_Sex_and_Violence_Sell_PB2015.pdf?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAIWOWYYGZ2Y53UL3A&Expires=1493153456&Signature=3Kh2mVnkiD3GYWNpXqv%2FWGzqiNo%3D&response-content-disposition=inline%3B%20filename%3DDo_Sex_and_Violence_Sell_A_Meta-analytic.pdf

Stokes, Z., Bradford, R., & Townsend, M. (2016). Where we are on TV. Glaad. Retrieved from http://glaad.org/files/WWAT/WWAT_GLAAD_2016-2017.pdf

The 100 Wikia. (2016). Ratings.  Retrieved from http://the100.wikia.com/wiki/Ratings

VanDerWerff, T. (2016). TV is killing off so many characters that death is losing its punch. Vox. Retrieved from http://www.vox.com/2016/6/1/11669730/tv-deaths-character-best

Wickman, F. (2013). Who really said you should “Kill your darlings.” Slate. Retrieved from http://www.slate.com/blogs/browbeat/2013/10/18/_kill_your_darlings_writing_advice_what_writer_really_said_to_murder_your.html

[sometimesrosy]

Sorry for the heavy question, but how do you feel comfortable with your bisexuality? I try to get away from the biphobia, and I don't get hate anons from CLs anymore, but every so often I see one of the ppl I follow get a biphobic anon (they seem especially prevalent today) and I'm right back down to where I was. I just suck at hearing stuff like this, I always take comments about bisexuality so personally. Idk if I'll ever be fully comfortable, since I can't ever come out as bi back home.

I never felt I ‘counted’ as bisexual, although I’ve known I was attracted to women for 26 years. I’m mostly attracted to men, so it felt like to identify that way would be cheating. But I recognize that bisexuality is a spectrum, and that includes those who are closer to the heterosexual end of the spectrum. So that includes me. So that means I count. I’m still learning what that means for me, and I’m perfectly fine with the discovery. I don’t need to pin it down. 

To be honest, I might also be slightly agender too, but I haven’t explored that yet. Or maybe I did, I spent a few years “allowing” myself to be feminine, without realizing what that meant about my identity. It was a kind of important thing for me in the 90s, making peace with my very feminine appearance while not feeling that way inside, but at this point, not so much anymore. Despite the REALLY weird experience of being pregnant and what that means about being a woman. Again. Done with that, so no longer have to bother. 

I accept LGBT people of any type. Gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, asexual, agender or anything on the spectrum or anything I don’t know about yet or haven’t learned about yet… which is lots because human sexuality and identity is SO much more complicated than the basic binary. And that means I accept myself. 

I might have an easier time accepting people outside of the basic binary because I am mixed race, and I have accepted and understood that I am not (and people are not) simply one thing OR the other, but very often a combination or spectrum of identities. I simply don’t think that way. 

I’m also not particularly out irl, where I am in my life right now. I don’t need to talk about my sexuality with my mom or my kids, and I’m not being real social right now, so it’s not an issue. And as a demi ace, I really don’t care?  IDK. It also might be something about being only slightly bi, and demi ace, and just a little bit agender. Even being a light skinned POC. Like people always think I’m the dominant type. They just assume I’m “normal.” But I’m not and never have been. I don’t fit. I never have. I’m not trying to pass, but unless I bring it up, people assume. At some point, you make peace with that, with not being like other people. So when you find out you’re even more not like other people you’re like, “eh. what else is new?”

I don’t really have answers about my personal sexuality and how I move through the world, because I hadn’t really identified it aside from not really feeling straight my whole life. I’m okay with it. And because I’m not taking action on dating, and no one is pressuring me to because, hello, traumatized single mom here, I’d rather just ignore it. I’ll get to it eventually. It’s a kick. I kind of like being demiace. It takes so much pressure off me. Just being me. And that’s the thing. Finding out your identity is about YOU. Not them. Not the community. I’ve seen so many people who were so anxious and unhappy before they understood or came to grips with who they were. But once they do, it’s like they stop pretending and get to be THEMSELVES. This is a WONDERFUL thing. And it often takes some time because we live in a homophobic society. THAT’S why we need a LGBT community, to combat the homophobia, lesbophobia, biphobia, transphobia and acephobia. Sadly, something has gone wrong with that.

As for the internet hyenas? I am HORRIFIED by the tumblr lgbt community. HORRIFIED. How they focus on gatekeeping and making LGBT people feel wrong and stigmatized and invalidating them? This is the OPPOSITE of what the LGBT community is supposed to be. But, I guess, the gatekeepers feel enough power from their position as dominant identity in the community, that they enjoy diminishing other LGBT people. This is not right. 

They are wrong. They are silencing people, and making them afraid to join communities or enter into the conversation. Making them feel ashamed and alone. I barely talk about myself because of this. (But apparently if you ask a question, I will, because it’s about you.) I am confident in my identity, as late as I found it, because I was welcomed into the LGBT community in the 90s and 00s. Thank you to all my gay and lesbian friends and family. OMG, I had my stonewall era gay roommate trying to figure out how I was gay back in 1992. He couldn’t figure it out. But he knew it was something. Lol. It only took me 25 years. 

I’ve been harassed really badly on this site for being a “lesbophobe” because I was sharing my abuse experience and relating to CL, and treating that relationship like an actual relationship rather than a fantasy. And I also got accused of biphobia, called a ‘fake bisexual’ and was slutshamed for a fic I wrote. How did I deal with it? 

Honestly nonny, I know know who I am, and anonymous bullies on the internet can’t tell me I’m wrong. It’s LAUGHABLE that they keep trying. It’s taken me 47 years to figure out who I am, and some nasty comment doesn’t get to change it. 

I see them for the weak, insecure bullies they are. And I simply don’t give a shit about their opinions. 

How do you do it? Figure out who you are. Find your community– and it may not be the community you expect it to be. If they treat you badly because you are bisexual, tell them to go to hell.  Find a different community who does accept you. Grow into yourself. It’s a process. No one gets to tell you how it works.