#i probably wouldnt have even been able to handle that big of a move considering how badly i adjusted to going to school 3 hrs away and being

[girlwithfish]

remembering when i applied to uw seattle on a whim cuz i hated where i lived romanticized the west coast plus my 2 close onljne friends live on the west coast and i wanted to get so far from north carolina when i was 17 and i didnt think id even get in nd then i did and then i had a huge fight w my mom abt it. my lady bird 2017 moment

[molusca]

she apologized for how she handled the situation and apologized for brushing off someone's honest criticisms as hate. what more is she meant to do? throw herself onto a pyre? is she not allowed to feel lousy that this whole thing blew up in her face? because she's an adult and she made a mistake, she's not allowed to be sad or stressed? she's still an imperfect human. apologizing immediately usually means people are still sensitive to their own hurt of being called out because it's fresh and on their mind so it tends to slip into their apology, but if she had waited any longer to compose herself, you guys would probably have an issue with how long she took. also, in aaaaaallll of this, I've have yet to once see what exactly about her work is so problematic? I've read her fic and I personally can't see anything wrong, although I will admit that yes, I'm a white ciswoman but I'd like to think I'm aware of negative tropes. but the only thing touted is "it made an mlm uncomfortable" but HOW??? honestly, I want to know! if anything so I can avoid doing the same thing! how is anyone meant to learn when you're not bringing up these points as often as you're explicitly laying out the problems in her apology and whatnot. I've seen 6 posts about how shit the apology was and for why and I've not once seen the original comment detailing why the fic was problematic, and I've been looking on twit, tumblr, insta, and ao3. if it's been deleted, why isn't anyone stating again and again what's wrong? also, if someone is making fic/art you don't like, don't. interact. with. it. there's tons of stuff on ao3 and twit that I don't like, some of it that I think is disgusting (do you know how many fics there are with keith/kosmos?) and I just scroll past it cause it can't hurt me if I don't read it. there's one artist that's pretty popular on Twitter and I personally really hate they way they draw klance but it's all over my tl. I respect that person's art style and creativeness and keep on moving. other people enjoy it, good for them. and if I start reading something and get surprised with something I dont like, I leave! find people who write things you like and stop engaging with creators who's things you don't like, as far as I know no one is holding a gun to your head making you read problematic fic. also for as much as you rag on her for the words she used to apologize, you don't seem to be considering your own words when offering criticism. if Taylor mistook the person's words as hate, couldn't it have been because the way he worded the complaint was done hatefully? lastly, no one, absolutely no one, is required to talk about world issues when they're running a fandom account,no matter how "big" they are. we all know what's going on in the world, we're surrounded by sad and stressful stories practically 24/7 and if someone isn't, they're probably curating their social feeds to be that way (like you should do when it come to kl content creators you don't like). people sending hate in Taylor's defense are in the wrong I agree, and this isn't hate its critism its a discussion, but Taylor isn't responsible for, how many people did you say? 16k on twit? even if she said hey guys stop, you think they would? she's can't control all those people and expecting her to is nonsense. I see so many younger fans expecting perfection in their fandoms and that just isn't going to happen. yes we should be striving to be better but no one is ever going to be perfect. not you, not me, not the mlm person, not Taylor, not anyone on any side of this argument. the only way to avoid this kind of circular dog piling and hate sending is to better curate your fandom experience by ignore those you have issues with.- 🦛

she apologized for how she handled the situation and apologized for brushing off someone's honest criticisms as hate. what more is she meant to do?

im pretty sure i said its good that she realizes she handled it poorly. but she makes the whole apology about this, doesnt directly talk about the issues and i know someone went to her to talk about it. also, it took her a day to say something about it so it wasnt exactly immediate (in the sense people had already stopped talking about it but that doesnt mean they werent still bothered). the apology was directed at mlm, and i havent seen one saying it felt genuine. of couse she can be hurt but when you apologize to a marginalized group the focus shouldnt be your feelings, but the feelings of the ones you have hurt.

I've have yet to once see what exactly about her work is so problematic?

she admits to be projecting on lance. so she makes him very femine and keith very masculine. and ok, gay couples like that do exist, but she is a woman projecting in this situation so this bothers people. putting mlm in this position is a harmful steriotype, bc it feels very heterosexual. this is a trope, it unfortunately happens a lot and its harmful. women need to be aware of what they are representing when drawing/writing mlm because well, real mlm are going to see it, and no one likes to feel like a fetish to others. and its not our place to question if the criticism is right or wrong when we are not mlm, so if you read this and think “but thats not a problem thats not a fetish etc” well, its not your place to judge that. theres more to it and you probably could get a better answer from a mlm sorry.

if someone is making fic/art you don't like, don't. interact. with. it. there's tons of stuff on ao3 and twit that I don't like, some of it that I think is disgusting (do you know how many fics there are with keith/kosmos?) and I just scroll past it cause it can't hurt me if I don't read it.

please, lets not compare a minority pointing out harmful tropes with. something fucking illegal.

as you said, you are a cis woman, of course its not going to hurt you in this case. but if people are making harmful content its not a simple matter of “dont interact with it” because they will still be promoting it, other people are going to read it, and media influences how we see minorities so of course people will not like when they see bad portrayal of them. also, tumblr sucks so even if you want to just “dont interact with it” its hard because even after blocking you can still cross the content of someone. not sure how it works on twitter but anyway this discussion started on tumblr and tumblr doesnt stop people who were bothered by her to avoid her by blocking.

if Taylor mistook the person's words as hate, couldn't it have been because the way he worded the complaint was done hatefully?

i think she deleted the ask by now, but i dont remember the ask being hateful. i remember someone asking if she was a fujoshi, and another person mentioned that mlm didnt like the way she portrayals klance. i dont remember it being hateful. but again, she apologized for handling it badly. its just that she stops there.

no one, absolutely no one, is required to talk about world issues when they're running a fandom account,no matter how "big" they are. we all know what's going on in the world, we're surrounded by sad and stressful stories practically 24/7 and if someone isn't, they're probably curating their social feeds to be that way

ignoring world issues is a privilege. if someone is able to turn off from all the problems in the world, its a privilige. yes no one should talk aobut it all the time thats not even healthy, but to never talk about it is a privilege. thats what black people are saying, they cant just turn off from racism, so yes they are going to expect white people to do something. online honestly i cant do shit, i dont think anything i reblog here does a difference and i do what i can in my own country, but she has a plataform that could help bring awareness. again, its a privilege to be able to curate your social media to be a perfect happy place.

even if she said hey guys stop, you think they would? she's can't control all those people and expecting her to is nonsense.

maybe they wouldnt, but if people were doing this type of thing in my name, in my defense, i would at least say something about it idk. she cant control them but she makes nothing to show that she disagrees or look for the people being harassed to say something about it.

the only way to avoid this kind of circular dog piling and hate sending is to better curate your fandom experience by ignore those you have issues with.

when it comes to simple things like “i prefer taller lance and i dont like taller keith” yeah, its fine to ignore people who draw taller keith and move on with your life or something like that. but we are talking about mlm, a real group of people, being upset for being portrayed in a harmful and steriotype way. its everywhere in fandom, and in real life. they cant escape from real life, and then they come to fandom where everyone wants some escapism and have to deal with more issues. its tiring

[fictional-lover01]

Michael Myers NSFW alphabet

A/N: Artwork belongs to @irageneveart

A: aftercare- this boy is a steel machine, he rarely shows emotions or any form of expression; but he’ll always put you first. He loves you even if he doesn’t show it, so...he’ll do cuddling mostly but on the rare occasion he’ll take a bath with you to relax.

B: Body part (his & yours) - Ngl, he probably really enjoys his hands 😉 bc they’re just that delicious size where it can wrap around your neck and his strength with definitely leave bruises all over. As for you, I believe he enjoys everything about you (hence why you’re alive and w/ him) but if he had to pick a part I’d say eyes. I feel like since he’s also expressing little to no emotions he loves to see that love you have for him that’s just shining, he loves to see how happy and comfortable you are with him through your eyes; ya know like the eyes are the key to the soul kinda thing.

C: Cum- I swear to everything that I love; this man LOVES to be able to cum inside you. Like tell me otherwise. To me I think he’d feel so smug/proud that you’re his and wants to prove it constantly so he likes to cum in you as a way of “marking his territory” that and I think he’s got a breeding king tbh.

D: Dirty Secret- tbh I can’t really think of any but ima make a guess and say if he isn’t wearing his mask yank on that hair, tug and just run your fingers through it. It’ll make him feel content trust meh. Also drag those nails(even if you dont have much) down his back, he’d enjoy the feeling.

E: Experience- boy has been locked up and hasn’t really expressed any sexual desires in any (healthy) form. So even though he might know what sex is and how its done, you’ll likely lead the first time.

F: Favorite Position - Depends, if he’s feeling a more romantic atmosphere between you two and he’s not fueled by adrenaline he’d probably fuck you in missionary or the lotus position. The positions are more romantic and allows him to hold you close to him( which probs makes him want to cry out in happiness bc he’s never been shown love). However, if he’s riled up for any kind of reasons (teasing/killing spree/etc) he’d take you standing up, doggy, or missionary as well. With standing it’d allow him full control, he could hold you in front of a mirror, against a window, wall or just standing straight up with your legs either up iver his shoulders or grasped tightly in his hands or even around his waist. As for doggy, this position is for when he is in beast mode and ready to see you whimper and cry for him and just become putty just for him. Missionary would allow close contact but he’d also be able to just fucking fold you and make you cry out all night.

G: Goofy - Michael is not a man to joke....or at least in a humor sense while fucking you. He would keep it serious in a way where he radiates;

Be a good Girl/Boy

Im in control

Reward or Punishment

You’ll be nothing but putty in less than a minute

(Like you cannot tell me Michael doesn’t just scream Daddy)

H: Hair - Boy has probably (most likely) never shaved or trimmed in his life (maybe). So I’d say he has a bush down there but I would assume it wouldnt be outta control ya know what I mean? Also he’d likely start trimming it here and there when he wasnt out killing and bc he has a S/o so he doesn’t want to look like a total mess.

I: Intimacy - As he had never been loved truly, the fact that you’re willingly loving him both ohysically and emotionally he’d want to have you close to him as much as possible. He’ll hold you so damn close even afterwards (considering he never shows his emotions its also a way to express to you his adoration for you).

J: Jack off/masturbation- Nope. He’s aware that he can do it when you’re out and not home but tbh he’d just wait till you got back or he would go out to find you and either bring you back or find a secluded place to fuck you.

K: Kink-

DADDY

Hair tugging

Rope/light bondage (for you)

Choking

Spanking

Teasing

L: Location - He’s a killer, he doesn’t care where you two fuck; but he’d likely prefer at home or outdoors in the wooded areas. And he’d fuck you anywhere it does not matter. Though he does enjoy it being at home where he can make you scream all he wants with no problems and anywhere in the house too.

M: Motivation (turn ons/gets em goin) - Just you, your smile, your laugh, your body just everything about you.

N: NO - No toys for either of you. It just doesn’t feel right to him. And no dominating him, he’s a big guy so he just can’t see or ever imagine you taking control of the situation.

O: Oral (Receiving/Giving)- Down for both, prefers giving bc he enjoys seeing you wither away as he’s eating you out. Not to mention if you start pulling on that hair of his or even start to close your thighs around his head whooooo boi....you’re in for a treat.

P: Pace - He will start slow and it’ll be fine and dandy then he’d start picking up the pace. But it all depends, sometimes he’ll start fast then slow as a way to tease you and keep you from cumming.

Q: Quickie (Y/N) - Always down but its only when you two are busy(mostly you) or out in public. He’d rather having you in his grasp at home or somewhere he can spend however long as he wants though.

R: Risk (Game 4 experimentation?) - He’s probably down for anything at least once.

S: stamina (How long can they go?) - He has yet to die so I believe this man can go for as long as he wants. All night? Prepare to not walk for a couple days. A couple hours everyday? You’re gonna need help around the house. An entire day? Say goodbye to all the task you had to get done and say hello to your bed cause 1) you wont be leaving it and 2) you won’t be able to move after that. If you pass out or anyhing of the sorts Michael will continue on non stop till he feels like he should so uh, ya good luck with that.

T: Toy - No. plain and simple no for both on you and him, he feels it’s saying as if he’s not enough for you when in reality he can wreck you and keeo you that way for a couple days to a week.

U: Unfair (Tease level) - SUCH A MASSIVE TEASE. Bitch will tease you throughout the day even until you’re dragging him to the bedroom or wherever. But if you tease him just be prepared for punishment, keep teasing and you’ll lose all feeling in your legs and hip.

V: Volume (How loud are they/You) - He won’t be loud, grunts here and there but otherwise he’s focused on making you scream till you lose your voice.

W: Wild Card (Random HC) - Michael is a jelly boi, so much that if anyone; female or male looks at you in a way he doesn’t approve of they will die. Of course you will have to make sure he doesn’t keep killing people who just look at you or even breath the same air as you.

X: X-Ray (Size?) - Big Boi = Big dick. Michael might not have grith but he has length, and that in itself is enough to have you keen.

Y: Yearning( How high is their sex drive?) - Having been locked up and kept aware from any sexual attention, after the first time between you and him it’ll be alot to handle. Like ALOT cause he’ll be focused on you so his sex drive is pretty high, it all just depends on how he’s feeling.

Z: 💤 (How quick they fall asleep) - Since he did destroy you he’ll rest for a bit before doing the chores you were gonna do, or he’ll just stay in bed with you, eyes roaming over your figure for a bit before actually falling asleep.

[flockofdoves]

4, 9, 25!

omg.. these are all questions when looking through it i was like. i have a lot of Thoughts abt those ones fdkgjhdfkg. thank you angel!!! also please don’t feel obligated to read All This

i’m kinda embarrassed i wrote this much but i’m not good at editing things down after the fact

4. do you like your name?  is there another name you think would fit you better?

i do! chiara is my birthname and at times through my life i’ve wished for a more androgynous/masculine name but i guess like. my name and its pronunciation and spelling and what it meant to my mom in naming me has been consistent throughout my life i don’t feel like myself without that. if i grew up in italy i’d probably feel differently though bc at least in the north its become like . italian “maddie” lol i get so confused when i go there bc all of a sudden i’ll be hearing my name everywhere

chiaroscura i came up with as a melodramatic kid after i got excited about reading the tale of despereaux that the rat character chiaroscuro had a name so similar to mine and i thought it was cool he shortened it to roscuro. i liked the art style too and it helped people know how to pronounce my name sometimes. no one irl really called me roscura but i’ve been going by it online in addition to chiara since i was a tween

i’ve tried to go by other names throughout my life like cj and arie (pronounced in 3 syllables ah-ree-ay) and rio but none of them really stuck outside of very specific contexts even if i wanted something more androgynous i think i’m just ingrained with this. i’ve thought about having it be chiaroscuro instead but chiaro for short just seems dumb. idk. and even if roscuro sounds fine roscura isnt just Me me its also a name i really associate with like uhhhh.. some dissociative alter stuff so i wouldnt want to take that away from her idk

i was sure when i was younger i’d want to change my middle and last name. my middle name is anne lol so thats very common and i thought it was boring and didnt feel like Me and too feminine etc but in the past couple years with my nana (dads mom) dying and her name was ann and then also my grandma (moms mom) is annette and my moms own middle name is anne i guess even if i dont like it without context i can keep it for history

similarly with my last name. its anglicized swedish and i have no connection to that part of my family and when i was having a really difficult time with my dad i didn’t want it but now that hes died and our relationship got better towards the end i’m more okay with it.

not sure what i’ll do if i ever get married. also have considered changing my name if i ever have trouble with how fucking stupid i’ve been with being openly a communist/disabled/gay/etc online with my full name since i was 11 lol but i doubt that

9. are you an artist?

lol. i’m not sure anymore tbh :( i at least drew stuff almost every day of my life up until like a bit over a year ago now and even if i didn’t think i was any “good” compared to my peers in like . high school AP art who went on to art school and stuff it was a big part of my identity but i let myself fall out of it even when i’d never let depression do that before and just didn’t get that momentum again. i stress about it almost every day since then i keep saying i’m Finally getting back into it but beyond like . art therapy when i was in a php program or the couple sculpture classes i took before i had to drop out of even part time classes and then a few sketches i still haven’t really provably picked things up again. and its not just digital art or cartooning its also my other creative passions like making clothing and cosplay and making stories i feel like a shell of a person without it i’m tired of saying i’ll Soon get back into it. got as far as sketching something for an actual traditional art thing last week so maybe if i finish that i can prove to myself again. i think i have trouble and why i stopped is i wasn’t doing art because i enjoyed the process anymore, i wanted the final product to be good and got discouraged and fell into a grating routine to make art. i need to learn how to enjoy that process again (or just? let myself? idk) i really need to learn that with making comics because i don’t have much proof at all that i can make things beyond like. 6 pages long. and of course with webcomics you’re constantly learning and growing in developing them thats part of the medium. i want to be able to call myself an artist again even if its hard to see that right now. i almost started drawing before i started answering this right now. i hate that i keep pushing it off. i’ve definitely said this before, but it has to be soon

25. could you live as a hermit?

i think this past 9 months has been the closest i’ve ever been to a hermit and its made me very confident that i absolutely could not lmao. i’m so sick of this i need to see proof of life beyond this place and with irl interaction with loved ones beyond my mom on a regular basis stagnating here for even a few months longer is just too much i don’t even feel like a real person anymore and thats concerning on multiple levels lol. its wild to me i even got to this point and kind of ironic that i feel the most isolated i’ve ever felt once i moved to one of the biggest cities in this country. right now i’m sustaining myself by chasing hope of a way out with the start of maybe actual concrete steps towards just . seeing people i love again irl. but honestly even that is freaking me out because realistically it might take longer to get out of this than i’d like to and i really can’t handle being in this situation more than a few months more.

also just in a general sense i think humans need to collaborate and provide for each other. individualist fantasies of just providing for oneself and not having to care for others both jsut . tend to not actually be accurate and can be pretty reactionary. so many people are so isolated in many ways under capitalism and that makes divide and conquer easier but to ensure a future where that won’t be the case we need to build community/dual power/solidarity/etc etc. i feel a bit guilty i’m not putting my actions where my mouth is with that as an individual right now but i guess it makes sense how i got here when so much is structurally at play. its weird intellectualizing that balance sometimes.

i’m so sorry this turned into some fucking . vent tumblr therapy session jesus christ fdgkjhd

[swayinghummingbirds]

i feel like i need to blog more stuff out of me to research my own thoughts ignore me or help me either is welcomed. 

so like i was diagnosed with mdd , panic/anxiety disorder so i know how it goes and how it feels and all that jazz. used to be on medication and not for almost two years. i can usually cope well since while i was on medication ifound many ways to do so. but now ive come across season affective disorder and i gotta say i am not a fucking fan. i cant bring myself to do the coping mechanisms because im fucking cold and there is no sun ever.  

this time last year i felt the exact same way and almost moved back to fl but didnt want to give up on tn yet. but im wondering is it maybe time to give up on it? i have no family here. and my family is expanding and growing without me. which makes it worse. 

ive been where i am for almost a year now and its been good. but there are no sidewalks like anywhere? im so tired of sharing walls. sure, its a townhouse and its pretty big and two floors and fire place but my neighbors are so annoying and for some reason in tennessee so many people think its absolutely okay to let their dogs out with leashes? 

knoxville is a really cool city and ive loved living here but idk if i can stand the winter. and its just a mild winter, idk how yall in the north handle it. i see now why when i moved abck to pa for 8 months my mom had it by the time march came around and we moved back to fl. 

a part of me feels like i might even just get bored with where i am after a certain amount of time considering how i was brought up. i have moved 17 times, which is wild for a child. probably why i have a hard time making friends too. 

tried leaving work yesterday after i got my list done (usually isnt a problem for my manager but the ass. manager always fights me with it). i told him three times i already had 2 1/2 hours of overtime and ill be leaving when im finished but bitch never listens to me and acts like he didnt hear me say it to his damn face.Usually i ask just to be polite and make sure but this time im telling him. kind of snapped on him because the day before i just cried all fucking day and had that feeling in my stomach and felt the same way when i woke up. old me would have called out, one because the position i was in was easily fillable but now im actually needed so i go to do my job and if i get done early that means im working my ass off and sweating like a pig to get done three hours early. (and the girl who does the work on the two days im off never gets the shit down or sets the room or anything up in order to have a good morning because the whole thing is very time sensitive and its very frustrating. also she called out like three times this week and made my week shittier than it needed to be.) like bitch no that doesnt mean i want to stay and help with other things after exerting so much energy that i dont even have in myself to begin with. so anyways i cried and then the manager came and talked to me and was understanding because he is aware of my mental health issues and i forgot steve- the ass manager (assistant manager , but also ass because he can be an ass) was not aware. so all in all i talked to my manager and told him and he was very supportive and then i went to apologize to steve and he reassured me i was valued and adored here which was nice. and i had to basically tell him if im trying to leave early it usually means because im feeling like a crazy bitch whos on the break of a mental breakdown so. quit fighting me. 

so anyways. 

even if i did move back fl ive finally gotten myself where i wanted to be in my job but i guess if it was meant to be the universe will take care of it just like it did when we moved here. 

a week before almost moving back to fl my grandparents came to visit and we were in crossville, which is the half way point from here to where we were living at the time and i was like hey lets try knoxville and the next day we went to look at apartments and as we were looking this place went up for rent almost as if the universe here, ask and you shall receive. because i was only looking at places that was in between the three stores that we could have possibly transferred to because i had no idea which one it was going to be i just new it was going to happen. and then when trying to transfer we my fiancees assistant manager knew the manager at this store here and said that he would take both of us and needed help in the area i wanted to be in and i was like wow amazing its all working out. and it did and it was great and then it got cold. and then holidays came. and birthdays came. and i ive learned so much about myself and i feel like yes i needed this part of my life. and now im not sure if istill need it. 

we have a vision of owning a little home a nice big plot of land near the mountains with a spring and creek on site with woods around. if we kept it up and really searched when the time came yeah im feel like we could find it. but what if i still feel this way when were there? then weve bought a home and it would be harder to get rid of. i have a vision of my own business with yoga. i find myself in capable of moving between the months of decemeber and march. then what. even when i get on to the mat i cant get into the flow. 

and what if we move back to fl. would he resent me for giving up on our dreams? will i be tired of people demanding my time and energy? will i bitch about the heat all the time and the fact that neighbros are every where? probably, yes, yes, and yes. 

but will i resent him for not moving back to spend our lives with our families? will i resent myself for not listening to the feeling in my stomach? or would i resent myself if i did listen to that feeling and gave up on the mountainous dreams. 

i know we would welcomed back with opened arms and i know not many would miss us here. 

the mountains are beautiful and so mystical when there. i wonder how it would be to live there. i always end up feeling so creeped out at some point of hikes because i feel like something is watching us, and i know there is, there is always is whether its and animal or a spirit. but sometimes those spirits, or beings, are just so strong of a force. what if we bought a property with one of those that wouldnt be able to make peace with us? i always imagined if we ended up with a property with strong entities then we would make peace and ring singing bowls and plant luscious plants for them. but what if they hate it all. and what if our neighbors down the street end up being cannabilistic cult people? what if some animal tried to maul my dog (which already happens frequently, shes a chihuahua everything is out to get her). what if something happens at oak ridge? i had no idea i was living next to a giant nuclear power plant thing. 

but then its like okay what if theres a giant hurricane that tears my house down (i had a tree fall on my house during matthew which is one reason why we left) or the storm sturge sweeps my house away. trey is scared of tsunamis, not that one has happened there probably ever, idk but it is a weird fear of his. surprisingly tornados do happen in tn too. 

and a day like today, where trey is working all day and i have the day off. there isnt much to do. its cold out so i cant sit on my patio for a few hours like i would in the summer. i dont like to go shopping. i dont have a friend to hang out with, which is my own fault people im really not a big people person. i have hung out with a couple a few tiems, and idk ij ust would rather not. but if i were in fl i could go hang out with my brother, or treys sister, or the few friends i have there. or go to the beach and sit on my own, because its not fucking weird to sit alone there and usually you dont have to worry about getting mugged. i cant go to the parks here on my own. i cant take my dog for walks around here because there are no side walks and people just look shady af everywhere. 

when i went to visit for my brothers wedding in october i realized how i did not appriciate the plant life naturally around all year round when i lived there for 11 years. i guess mostly because it wasnt until two years ago that i really got in to plants but omg i cant stop imagining what our yard would look like if we were in aplace where things could just be outside all year round. i would take cuttings of my plants andjust put them every where have my own little tropical paradise in my front and back yard. 

i know this all is really sounding one sided atm but this time last year i was having the exact same visions and the exact same thoughts. and i thought about how what if my brother has kids and im up here well hello here we are now and thats happening. i feel like i need to be there. theres even a house for sale on the same street as him and all i could was fantasize what i would do to the house and how i would baby sit for them and be able to see my dog that i left with him because ultimately she was is but we co owned her together and just to be there. and be with my mom. shes living in orland with her boyfriend and i feel like the fact shes goingt o be a grandmother might sway him into moving closer, she hates the city and i imagine shes just as depressed as i am to be away and to be in a city where you dont feel safe to go outside alone. we are creatures of nature and both pisces and very sensitive to everything. 

and what if trey and i have a baby at some point? we have no one here to help us. i was thinkg about how our wedding date is a year and like two months away and i have no one here to help me plan. and for a long itme i always imagined myself getting married at this place called sugar mill gardens, a botanical garden that i had always loved in my home town there. when trey and i got together we would pokemon go there and take clippings, and i still have those plants today. but then this new vision came where we would get married on our future property. i feel like we are still a long way away from buying a house here though. idk if we would be there in time. and since we went back in october all i can think about is getting married in sugar mill. he reproposed to me when we were there and that was so sweet and just made me want to be there instead for it. 

this is very long but these are my constant thoughts that all happen at once and it feels nice to get them out to piece them together and not feel so overwhelmed with all them at one time in layers upon layers of thoughts. sometimes my vision even goes out and i dissociate and just work blurred vision cross eyed for ten minutes, who knows maybe its an hour. im back there by myself for eight hours a day idk. 

[moldypieceoflasagna]

36 questions that nobody asked me

(except @lollipoppedchainsaw )

(the 36 questions that lead to love or whatever) https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

I hate going out to dinner so much i probably wouldnt be able to enjoy it properly

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

It would be interesting to see what it’s like for a short period of time, but i’d never be able to keep it up; i’d probably have an identity crisis

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

yes i have to mentally prepare myself 100% of the time

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

hanging out with the people i love is enough to keep me happy for a good while tbh. sitting around doing nothing literally nothing with them is endlessly entertaining to me even though sometimes i might make that hard to believe 

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

i sing to myself a lot, not so much to others- although i AM a slut for karaoke

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

body because i feel thats probably what old people complain about most. plus like,, 90 years of life knowledge? sounds great to me

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

probably an accident that’s almost statistically impossible

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

single rn (ladies) but i usually try to find friends with similar music tastes because scream-singing in the car is the most fun one can have

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

im most grateful for my dogs and for my friends! i love them and it means the world to me to have people that i can call family. also i would die without my dog juno, she is my rock (and my therapist)

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Not rly how i was raised, but i wish i had a closer relationship with my older siblings. Three of them had moved out before i was rly old enough to not be an asshole child, so most of them still see me as an asshole child and they never take me seriously. im glad i have an alright relationship with them, but that’s kinda all it is and i know i could do better

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

Lived in Texas my whole life yeehaw. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters; 2 of them dont like me, and my relationship with the other 2 is,, certainly not bad. Had a lot of physical and mental illness in the past, but 20gayteen is definitely my year, yeet

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

either speaking a different language or playing the piano. im very jealous of good piano players, and at some point i need to be able to speak a more useful language than french because so far in texas it’s proved absolutely useless (other than talking to my mom but that doesnt count)

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I’d wanna know wtf im supposed to do with my life because sweaty i still have no idea. passion? dont know her please introduce me

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

i wanna go skydiving bitch, no one wants to go with me! pussies!!! the lot of you

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

that one time i did an entire semester’s worth of work in the last three days of the school year

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

being able to put up with my huge fucking mouth. also honesty is super important, even if it’ll make me feel shitty

17. What is your most treasured memory?

when i went camping with a bunch of friends and they were bitter i got to be in the middle of the tent because they were all cold. either that or the time i was getting really bad sleep paralysis and @lonelywaterfall & @skity stayed over so my paranoia didnt render me completely useless,,, also the paramore concert lol ive never been more vulnerable in my life.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

coming out to my mom haha

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

i’d go on a trip around the world to explore/to see a few people, and i’d put extra effort into my gender expression

20. What does friendship mean to you?

comfortable silence is my kink. also emotional vulnerability and SAD BOY HOURS we cant forget those

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

I’m such a slut for physical affection yall have no idea please hug me as much as possible and play with my hair or my hands

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

i guess ill do the same with previous partners so.. i think being funny is probably the #1 thing i appreciate in someone. when you make me laugh so hard i cry, just know that’s like. peak. also stubbornness is strangely attractive to me, plus like,,, uh having an unexpected soft side? an appreciation of art is super important, too. also SPOON VERSATILITY.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

it was probably happier than a lot of people’s but there wasnt much to it. plus being the youngest in my ENTIRE family really sucked during my childhood because everyone picked on me and i think that’s probably what started a lot of my issues lol

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

better than it could be, but definitely not what i want it to be. we both love each other and i admire her work ethic, but she gave me a lot of anxiety problems (both genetically and not) and she isnt the most understanding person. i have hope though, people change

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …

I’m hungry and sitting alone in front of my computer feeling like OVERSHARING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL THURSDAY MORNING, BOYS

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …

many, MANY animals and a lighthouse in the middle of nowhere

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

I’m REALLY insecure about my body xd

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

LOVE feeling safe. 

29. Share an embarrassing moment in your life.

probably every time that i’ve ever worn a dress, because i really,, really dont like wearing dresses and that’s it

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

last cried by myself this morning and last cried in front of another person at my friend’s birthday party

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

no partner but if youre reading this im rly proud of ur attention span. gj buddy

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

i think most things can be joked about after a certain amount of time, but like,, it has to actually be funny and it has to come from someone i know isnt serious about it. if a joke is made just for the purpose of being offensive and edgy, it’s never funny no tea just truth. 

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

i’d regret not spending enough time with people that i love, not traveling as much as i should have, and also i’d regret not formally coming out of the closet to my family (they probably already been done knew but like. yknow). i came out to myself & the people closest to me a LONG ass time ago, but i’ve kinda seen what it did to my immediate family so im not too excited to do that to my extended family. if i’m not too much of a pussy, ill probably do it in the summer when i see them next, bc ive been meaning to for a while.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

is it bad of me to say my computer? i feel like everyone else has a much more meaningful answer lol. it would probably either be that or the papers i keep on my bulletin board, bc most of them hold a lot of sentimental value (also my prescriptions  would be a pain to get copies of)

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

either of my parents because i dont want them dying before i reach the point where i can expect them to be happy for me when i marry a girl

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

personal problems? what’re those lmfao dont have any srry try me again later

 i’m too much of a pussy to tag certain people so if you see this and I've had any sort of conversation with you, do it coward

(also @skity  @drawinintherain )

[absentgoji]

looks like i missed DID awareness day? i had no idea it was on 05/03.

here are some questions you peeps are answering and i think it would be a good exercise to do so too, right now. then do it again maybe in a couple months.

i know you're asking each other by ask, but i dont have any followers so i will just answer them all by myself.

DID Awareness Day Questions:

What is one thing you wish everyone understood about DID? no, it is not like split , nor any other representation in media. no, its not noticeable (or, at least, not easily noticeable). people with DID are not multiple persons inside a body. people with DID are not 'survivors', 'fragmented heroes', or whatever romantic nickname you wanna call them. we are people who have to deal with a mental illness because of past trauma we wish we hadn't been through. people with DID are not doing this for attention: believe me, id rather have to deal with any other thing than not knowing myself, not being reliable. not everyone shares the same experience, each person deals with their disorder in a different way. however, DID has very specific symptoms we all do share, even if we describe it in a different way.

Are you in therapy? What is your experience with therapy like? yes. im in therapy, but i dont really find it helpful for this specific disorder in my case. i may see a different therapist soon because mine, even though they did diagnose me, has been treating the disorder tangentially. anxiety, adhd and depression were their main concerns. it took them some months to get to it, putting the pieces together (memory loss, derealization, depersonalization, distorted feeling of self, me talking about myself as if i was talking about a different person), and when they finally did, we worked directly on it just for a few months, then moved on to other things and we only get back to it occasionally.

Do you have an inner world? If you do, what is it like? i know i do have one. at this point i dont know if i made it up or if it was there from the beginning. i dont really 'go there' anymore. its nothing very logical, but more like different locations my different shades like to be at. when i talk to myself in a more active way i can usually find me (them) there. but its been a while since i last did that. i will address this in a different post.

What is communication like between you and the others? Do you have any particular systems set up to help with communication? writing. if i feel like i have something to talk about, i will write about it and probably answer to myself when i feel i have a different opinion. sometimes i will tell my friends about something and they remind me about that opinion later on. its not their work and i dont do it on purpose, but i know thats one of the ways i have of knowing what my other shades feel like. communication used to be better, but at some point i decided i did not want to have that approach to this anymore and i just stopped trying to communicate directly.

Has any conventional advice for DID ever not worked for you (journaling is unhelpful, can’t visualize an inner world, etc)? trying to make a scheme about how this works has been quite a mess, at least for me. i learnt (through tumblr, mostly) many things i had to unlearn. i learnt there were categories (protectors, etc.), and my shades didnt really fit the labels. i learnt that the same triggers make the same shades come out, but, for me, it might not happen that way. noticing stuff didnt work the way 'it was supposed to work' was harmful and i would stress so much about it. if this was supposed to be logical, it wouldnt be a disorder in the first place.

What does “safety” mean for you? feeling free to talk about me in any way i want to, not being afraid of making people feel uncomfortable or cringe, having them accept me as i am. i dont want anybody to pity me, handle me with special care nor anything. i am a normal person and i want to be treated as such.

Do you have any introjects? How do you feel about their source? How do they feel about their source? no.

Do you have any non-human alters? no

Is there anything that makes you feel like your experience with DID is “different” than what you see other people with DID talk about? all of the above, i think. also memory loss, maybe. the most common approach to it i usually get to read about is full blackout, 'alters' not knowing what others did, etc. in my case, while that can and has happened, is not the most common scenario. i dont remember if it used to be different in the past. ive been in therapy for like three years now and my memory has definitely gotten better. now i can describe three types of memory: - things i do remember. - things i dont remember, but i know. - things i dont remember, and i dont know.

Who is the most likely to get into a fight (physical or verbal?) Who’s the most likely to try to patch things up afterward? i would say my most problematic shade is purplish (i havent decided if i want to go back to using names again) and the one thats there to fix things right after is red.

Does anyone wish they could make big changes to your body’s appearance? yes. in most of my shades i identify as a woman or a nonbinary person with a feminine leaning presentation, but there are a couple of them that makes me really want to start transitioning. its pretty uncomfortable.

Choose some parts/alters and describe each in 5 words or less. i will answer to this question once i decide how i want to describe myself.

What does dissociation feel like for you? stuff happens and my brain just cant grab any thought. its hard for me to talk. im thinking about many things and none at the same time (crossed conversations). nothing is real. if im in a room, theres nothing outside the room and the walls, floor and furniture are fake. sometimes i am fake. people are not real and i can be careless about the way i talk to them because i dont believe it will have any consecuences (its a dream, right?). if dissociation is strong enough, my senses dont work well. i cant hear well, food doesnt taste like anything... (this is just my brain not being able to process whats happening, i believe).

How often do you think you switch? as of today, i have no idea. i dont usually notice the exact time i do, but some time later, when i catch myself thinking in a different way or doing someting 'out of character'.

Do any of you experience body dysphoria or dysmorphia? see number 11!

How many parts/alters do you think you have at this time? this is something i also stopped doing. it makes no sense, in my case, to try and keep count of them.

If you have younger parts/alters, what makes them happy or excited? i dont have any part that's significantly older or younger than the 'core?' one.

Do you consider yourselves to be covert or overt about having DID? covert. im really self conscious about it.

Do you experience denial often? How do you react when you experience it? all the time. i try to tell myself i have nobody to lie to, and that theres no point in pretending when theres no one around... so why would i fake it?

What grounding methods or skills work best for you? Do different skills work better for different parts/alters? relaxing, talking to someone, receiving some comfort and ignoring the fact that im dissociating are the things that work best for me. i usually check tiktok or twitter, listen to some music or talk to my partner til i feel better. if i dont, taking a shower also helps.

What does “recovery” mean for you? i dont know yet. i think 'being a single shade' is not possible for me, because i know that DID is not a disorder that can be healed, so i just hope i can learn how to live healthily this way.

[bigbrothernetflix-st]

EPISODE SEVEN

“I AM THRIVING. ABSOLUTELY THRIVING.” - joey

HOH: Nathan UPSIDE DOWN: Emma NOMINEES: Jev & Kiki POV: Joshua FINAL NOMINEES: Josh C & Kiki EVICTED: Josh C (6-0)

ARIA

So,,,i highkey fucked up but all good things come to an end, I couldn't play the middle forever but the way it ended was just a little earlier than i expected. Also i handled the backlash of the dpov HORRIBLY! I did so many things wrong this week its insane even though i was on all day calling people i still fucked up,,,but its fine nothing i can really do to change that. But from here i want to fix things and do better, which does start with addressing where I fucked up so lets start with that woot woot (also holy shit that double was so draining this is the first time ive felt legitimately tired in a while and its only 1 am) 

1. COMP FLOPS

-literally all my allies flopped on the comps when we REALLY needed to win and its even worse combined with the information I was told where people told me they were throwing just to do well instead- its clear they weren't being honest with me and I settled into their lies without an ounce of hesitation 

2. LACK OF KNOWLEDGE

I just really settled certain things poorly leading up to this night, i think somewhere i majorly fucked up is with emma, if i was able to get her to vote out nick or get jacob to dpov someone she would vote out i would be in a much better position atm but i didn't and therefore ive exposed myself. And if i was able to receive knowledge of her rose gold dpov before hand i couldve worked out a new plan that way

3. DAMAGE CONTROL

This is where i **truly** fucked up and its gonna show in my jury management too, like theres NO way i could ever get nicks vote at this point in time. Also my gut instinct after the vote was to lie about the way i voted to kiki/joshua/nick/jev when i shouldve came clean and used a bullshit excuse about how i heard nick was after me or something. It's gonna damage my relationships with all of them

SO wabam here i am slightly fucked due to me being a mess but its okay!! I'm still in the game and while im not in as good as a position as I was last time im still certain i can get back into everyones good graces!! And i mean this vote did reveal that a lot of people consider me to be in a duo with them??? which um is kinda weird HBFSHDF Like joey and emma were both calling us duo of the season and i was like....k cute cool totally called that and knew we were a duo yup yup- FBHJDSBF LMAO but i mean in terms of my own position you have the two trios (jacob/bri/nathan and jev/kiki/joshua) who are going to go after each other with Josh C and Emma leaning toward jev/kiki/joshua while me and joey lean towards jacob/bri/nathan. Its crazy that its literally f10 and its five versus five with hardly any true middle player (for now wink wonk) 

But now that nick is out I need to think about whats next and whats my next big move. I think rn im involved with a lot of moves but im not the face of them (bri using pov on nathan, jacob dpoving bri) and such but if i want to win I have to make a move of my own and DEF need to work on jury management bc again nick is gonna hate my guts after reading my gbm,,,as yousef would say "oopsie whoopsie" so I think from here I need to get back in jev/kiki/joshua's good graces SOME how and im really tempted to come clean about my vote bc i think thats going to hurt me in the long run and theres literally already an alliance of all five of that side so like....whats the point of sewing mistrust but also, i do kinda want to try just being a dirty crime snake this game and seeing how much control I truly have on this game. Literally EVERYONE except those three knows my true vote and i've told them all to keep it to themselves so we'll see what happens,,,, im kinda tempted to pin the vote on emma just for funsies and tell them that "jacob told me hes close to emma" or some bs like that but also,,,thats kinda mean yknow? Its also a testament to test how much that trio trusts me which im GUESSING is less than emma but who knows maybe ill get lucky :DD 

Anyways in terms of moving on I really need someone who actually likes me to join jury so its not completely set against me the whole time but also im not sure how thats gonna go down ugh. I mean in terms of end game my options are starting to become limited because nathan/bri/jacob would all BODY me at the end bc at this point they've been the face of big moves and I hope my big move can be turning on one of them and getting them out at some point so when i really start to look at a realistic f2 I can win,,, im kinda leaning toward my new duos of emma or joey which is kinda a shocker to me too lemme tell u HFBSDF but joey's perception of the game seems,,,,messy and I think i can beat him while emma is def doing better but she hasnt snapped yet so i think i can maybe beat her. And then jev/joshua/kiki depends im not sure yet but the thing with them is none of them are gonna want to bring me to the end which is super frustrating (i mean i did just snake em so,,,maybe its deserved) 

The thing is that I like being honest about my vote so trying to have an honest game convo with any of those three is gonna be really hard,,,,esp considering they were all my targets for live night but here we are :') And i really dont know what to do at this point which is really annoyinggg (annoying @ myself theyre all lovely) I think im gonna have to wait a bit before i can try getting them all to fully trust me rn i dont know this has been such a mess but im doing my best!! Before i end this probably poorly aging paragraph its trust ranking time

1.myself (FUCK, and i cant stress this enough, EVERYONE)

HUGE GAP

2.Brianna (shes slowly becoming more stuck in jacob's trap but i do still think shes loyal to me, god IS a woman!!!)

3.Jacob (hate having this man so high bc hes bodying this game but he tells me a lot ig :/ )

ANOTHER GAP

4. Nathan (we need to call and discuss live night but he isnt going to like nominate me or anything)

5.Joey (apparently we're a f2?? not sure where that happened but also hes cagey idk)

-smol gap-

6.Josh C (told me his alliance!! shame he doesnt know im gonna rat him out to my side teehee)

7.Emma (we're also a duo?? almost forgot about that but i fucked her over here a bit but i can build the trust back up i THINK)

anothe gap

8.Jev (he talked to me after live night and didnt ask about my vote so thats cute....not sure where we stand...help)

9.Kiki (we talked briefly after the vote but idk if they realized im a snake yet)

10.Joshua (the silence is deafening) 

Not happy w/ my position yet and im likely to just come clean to joshua in a call tmrow because hes honestly really sweet and his friendship means a lot to me but i need to figure out how I leave me connection with jacob/bri out of it.. ill think of something

praying im not the most hated here but if i am it wouldnt be the first time ig, and thats on pewiod <3

JOEY

LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I AM THRIVING. ABSOLUTELY THRIVING. Not a damn soul is coming after me, and more importantly, I have numbers on my side, and no one’s gonna be pissed off at me on BOTH sides of the house. People say Josh C is playing both sides? Nah, it’s me. I need him out because I’m trying to ride that middle man status. My ideal plan is to see Emma go home next week, so that way I ain’t responsible. I want to get rid of Jacob at Final 7, and I will damn sure make that happen. Aria and I have a Final 2 that I plan on sticking to. Seeing Nick go was sad, but good lord it was I-C-O-N-I-C.

EMMA

Everything in this game lately has honestly pissed me off first it was me getting blindsided during live night even though i didnt really want to vote nathan if i was being honest i wanted brianna out over nathan because i thought nathan would be more easier to work with them boom Dpov and boom nick going i am like a little unsure if i regret using the dpov or not i do regret it well because nathan won hoh and sent me to the upside down and nick probably wouldnt try super hard for hoh but then again it seemed my so called allies were probably more closer to nick but i am not even sure my so called low confidence is my weakness in my games but i dont know how to be more confident pretty sure everyone beats me in the end at this point unless if i win an hoh if i do at this point Jacob/Brianna/even nathan getting nominated i didnt want nathan out before like if i won hoh i would of put him to the upside straight up nominate brianna and jacob if one of them goes off the block joey gets put up as a pawn after the upside down week im gonna do whatever to make it to the end idc if i go to the end with somebody i cant beat i just want to make this game enjoyable for me as i can i dont want to float for awhile then bring a goat to the end NNN 

EMMA

my shit list  in order to who i target to who isnt on my rader

Jacob > Nathan > Brianna > Joshua = Aria > Jev > Kiki/Josh C > Joey

who i like most to who is most annoying to play on a game level (i dont really hate or dislike anyone on a personal level)

Aria > Jev > Joshua *tiny gap*  Nathan > Kiki/Josh C >>>>>>>>>>> Jacob > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Joey = brianna also joey would be higher but he lied to me for no reason even tho i didnt mind putting alot of trust in me and i love brianna on a personal level but girl i am not good socially with her which is my fault and her fault also jacob kinda assumed stuff about me like not big stuff like meta  but he still told other people except me (people who are out who i love)  Gina/Jakey > Saira=Nick=Monty=Mo *small gap* Nash >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> dog shit > Taylers dinner (dylan and the og homies know it) >>>>>>>>>>>> DEM

but yeah this game has made me happy because everyone is nice except dem but its been hard to play it because if i felt better i think i would of been playing a 100x times better game

JEV

So I'm safe but it comes at the cost of one of my two favourite people in this game. I've arguably grown closest to Josh C throughout this game, but I promised Joshua that if he saved me with veto I'd vote however he wanted and he wants Josh C to leave over Kiki. This week is me and Nash as final noms levels of ugly.

HOST WEEKLY CAST ASSESSMENT

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szNaW65lCJ0&list=PLFEwPPy8j010XXwntq80VSU0qLNTNpSIN&index=8&t=0s

[boop-bri]

Try Again

Written By: Admin Hobicat

Pairing: Yoongi X Reader (ft. Hoseok)

Genre: Angst/Fluff

Word Count: 4,751

AN: Here’s part two to Experimenting I’ve been meaning to upload. With the way I ended it I almost want to make a part three. Idk if I should though. If you guys think so let me know. The ask box is open if anyone wants to request something. I’m currently working on a Jeonghan smut 👀 lol. I can’t add a link to the first part yet 😥😥 but if you want to read it cause you haven’t just click on my page and search masterlist and the story will pop up along with my others. I need to make a masterlist eventually though lol.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So when’s the last time you’ve seen Yoongi?”

“It’s been about a month now I think. I don’t plan on seeing him again. He broke up with me so what’s done is done.”

Hoseok scoffed, rolling his eyes at my comment. Hoseok and I sat in a cafe outside of the boys dorm. It’s mostly just us hanging out, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t starting to develop very small feelings for him. Ever since Yoongi and I broke up Hoseok has been by my side trying to cheer me up any way he can.

“You know he talks about you a lot. Its obvious that he misses you. Maybe you should come by and talk to him or something.”

“Why would I talk to him? He. Broke. Up. With. Me. I’m trying to move on Hoseok. It’s for the best anyway. All we do is fight when we’re together. Why should I be with him when he continues to act like talking to me about our problems like a normal adult is too hard for him.” Hoseok frowned, taking a sip of his coffee, before nodding.

“Yeah I get that, but this could give you closure. You both obviously need to resolve some things.”

“I don’t know Hoseok. I’m not really up for talking to him right now. Especially after the last argument we had.” Every time I think about the fight my heart begins to hurt. Flashes of that moment began playing in my head as if to remind me why I needed to move on.

“What’s your deal Yoongi? Why are you bitching at me over something as stupid as me wanting to eat your ass? I thought you liked it? We haven’t even had sex in almost a week.” This was the fifth fight Yoongi and I have had since last week.

“I do like it, but you keep constantly asking. I’m not always up for it yet you still beg me. I’m not always up for sex (Y/N). Besides sorry I have things to do other than tending to your wants.” I was baffled. Yoongi has never talked to me this way before. Sure he could say some snarky things when he was in a bad mood, but this was different. He almost seemed angry towards me and not at whatever issue he had.

“Beg you?! I’ve never once begged you for shit Yoongi. I thought since you liked it so much that you’d just be up for it all the time. Excuse me for not knowing. Is it too much to want your boyfriend to pay attention to you and want you sexually? It never was a problem before so why are you making it one now? Whatever issue you have doesn’t give you an excuse to come at me like this.” Yoongi kept his back to me, continuing to work on whatever he was working on. I could feel my anger rising the more he didn’t turn around to face me. This whole ignoring me thing he seemed to be doing more often when we fought was getting old very quick.

“It felt like you were begging me for it. Look it doesn’t even matter. I’m really busy so I don’t have time for any of this. I have songs I need to finish soon. I’m just going to go to the studio and work there. I’ll see you later.” Finally Yoongi turned around to face me, a blank look on his face, before moving towards the bed to grab his jacket. Stepping in front of him I stared him straight in his eyes.

“You always do this Yoongi. When we get in a fight you just up and leave and don’t come back till the morning or stay at the dorm. I’m tired of it. If you can’t stay here and talk to me like an adult then what’s the point?” Yoongi looked past me looking annoyed at me stopping him.

“I have to finish these songs. I’ll be back later.” Yoongi walked around me on his way towards the door. All the anger I’d been feel that’s just piled up along with him just constantly blowing me off was finally too much.

“If you leave now don’t bother coming back Yoongi!” Time seemed to slow down in that moment. As I turned to face him, angry tearing filling my eyes, I hoped he would just come back and hug me. I hoped he would turn around and tell me he was sorry and say what was wrong with him. I waited what felt like forever then he finally moved, towards the door.

“I’m serious Yoongi! If you leave we’re done! I can’t keep doing this with you! All this fighting constantly only for you to leave and ignore me like I’m not even here! I’m over it!” Silence. Yoongi still kept his back to me seeming to pause for what felt like forever before he opened the door. My heart felt like it was sinking into the pit of my stomach as he walked out with his back to me, and just like that our relationship was done.

“(Y/N)? What’s wrong?” I blinked as my mind came back to the present. Hoseok had a frown on his face while his hand touched my shoulder.

“I’m fine. I actually have some stuff I need to do so I gotta go.”

“Oh, okay. You still coming over Saturday to hang out right? Yoongi is gonna be busy all day so you won’t have to worry about him showing up. You’ll be gone before he comes home. He’s been staying late at the studio a lot.” My heart hurt a little bit to hear that. He always buried himself in his work and neglects himself when something bothers him. Hoseok got up from his chair, walking with me to open the door and leaving out with me.

“Yeah I’ll be there. Thanks for hanging out with me for a little bit. See you Saturday.”

After hugging we went our separate ways. I

I couldn’t help but to glance back towards their apartment and to my shock there Yoongi stood across the street. He just stood there staring at me like he’d never seen me before. My heart began to ache the longer we looked at each other until finally he turned towards Hoseok who had made it over to him.

That having been the first time I’d seen him in so long I didn’t know how to react. Had he seen Hoseok and I hug? Would he ask Hoseok about me? Why did I even care? My heart immediately went into overdrive and I quickly made my way to my home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally it was Saturday. Just getting off of work I was beyond tired and making my way towards the boys dorm. After seeing Yoongi those few days ago I felt strangely more excited to go over to hang out with Hoseok. Maybe it was because I hoped Yoongi would show himself. Or maybe I was just excited to be around Hoseok.

“Took you long enough to get here. The pizza was getting cold.” Hoseok said as he opened the door.

“Oh shut up. There was traffic. Are you gonna move so I can come in?” Hoseok stepped to the side to let me in and once inside I immediately glanced around for any sign of Yoongi.

“So you’re sure Yoongi isn’t gonna show up, right?”

“Positive. He texted me a few minutes ago that he’s gonna be at the studio for most of the night.”

“That’s good.” I mumbled. That was a lie though. I almost felt disappointed that I wouldn’t see Yoongi.

“Where’s the rest of the boys?” I asked when I noticed how quiet it was. It was rarely ever quiet when I use to come over to see Yoongi.

“They went out to see some movie and go eat. It’s gonna be just for awhile.” Walking towards the couch I could feel this sense of longing come over me.

I hadn’t been in the dorm for awhile. It was almost weird not seeing Yoongi sitting on the couch with his headphones on waiting for me. Flopping down onto the couch, the smell of pizza filled my nose and immediately my stomach rumbled. I hadn’t eaten dinner yet since we planned on eating pizza and I was beyond starving.

“Sounds like someone is hungry. Let me go get some plates. Why don’t you find a movie on Netflix we can watch. Just don’t make it scary.” Rolling my eyes I scroll through Netflix and just to spite him I ended up picking a scary movie I had planned on watching on my own. I mostly picked it as a joke to see his reaction, but a small part of me really wanted to watch it.

“Got the plates. (Y/N)! I said no scary movies!” Hoseok pouted as he sat beside me.

“The movie probably isn’t even that scary. You’ll be fine. If you get scared just cover your face or something.” I said jokingly. Hoseok huffed and bit his lip as he looked at the screen.

“But…” I could tell he was getting a little freaked out at the thought of watching this movie. I almost changed my mind and picked​ another movie, but before I could pick the remote up Hoseok grabbed it first.

“Alright fine. I’m brave I can handle it. You’re right it probably won’t even be scary.”

“You know we dont really have to watch this. I mostly picked it to mess with you.” Hoseok shooked his head and puffed his chest out as if to show how he could handle this.

“Im a big boy (Y/N). I can handle it.” I almost wanted to laugh. We both knew he wouldnt be able to handle it. Halfway through the movie hell probably want to turn it off.

“Alright if you say so. It’ll be fine. If you get too scared I’m always here.” Hoseok nodded, grabbing some pizza and placing it on his plate. Following his lead I grab some as well then before he pressed​ play.

The movie started playing and so far Hoseok hadn’t even flinched at the cliche jump scare the movie started off with. I was starting to think he wasn't​ as scary as he claimed to be. That was about until halfway through the movie when a scare that even got me popped up. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone yell so loud. Hoseok grabbed on my arm, pulling me closer to him, till I was squished up into his side.

“You okay?” I felt the need to ask. It was my fault we were watching this movie that he would probably get nightmares from.

“I’m a little better now that you’re closer. Fuck I didn’t think the killer was gonna pop up like that.” I was a little too stunned to reply back to him considering what he’d just said. The small part of me that was beginning to develop a crush on him didn’t know how to respond so I just decided to stay quiet.

For the rest of the movie Hoseok and I sat cuddled up together, holding each other every time something scary was happening. I had completely forgotten about hoping Yoongi would show up. At some point during the movie Hoseok had grabbed the blanket behind us and placed it over us. By the time the movie had ended I was starting to feel a little sleepy and I think Hoseok could tell.

“Hey if you want you can lay on the other end of the couch and put your feet on my lap. I don’t mind. You must be tired from work.”

“I am a little tired, but I’m okay. I’ll just stay right here, if you don’t mind.” I could feel Hoseok tense beside me before he relaxed.

“I, uh, I don’t mind. Wanna put on another movie?”

“Sure. I promise I won’t pick something scary this time.” Hoseok chuckled, his chest rumbling against my ear. I felt so soft in that moment. His laugh was one of the things I liked about him. Even when he just chuckles I can’t help but smile at him.

“I appreciate that. I don’t know if I can handle another scary movie.”

For the next few hours we just sat and watched movies to pass the time. Occasionally making a game out of the movies to make them more fun. By the time the last movie finished playing it was almost ten o'clock. I was beginning to get more tired, but I was so comfortable laying against hoseok I really​ didn’t want to move to go home.

“Its getting pretty late (Y/N). Maybe you should be getting home.” He was right. It’d be smart to leave now before it became too​ late. The boys were probably on their way as well. I was just having too much fun being with Hoseok.

“You’re probably right. I have to get up a little early for work tomorrow anyways.” I sighed, sitting up away from Hoseoks side, before moving the cover off of me.

Glancing over at him I was a little surprised to see him staring at me with this look on his face that made my chest tighten. Hoseok smiled at me, handing me my phone off the table and my chest tightened some more once our hands brushed together. Hoseok was always attractive to me yet I only ever considered him like a friend. Especially when I was dating Yoongi.

“I guess I’ll be going now.” My voice came out almost like a whisper as we stared at each other.

“That’d be the best thing. Its getting late after all.” I nodded, but didn’t make any signs of moving. Neither did Hoseok.

He actually began moving closer, his hand that was on top of mine moving up my arm. Hoseok had moved so close now. So close all I had to do was lean forward just a little and our lips would touch. His hand was now resting against my cheek, warming my skin. I felt like I was floating. This moment didn’t seem real, but I almost didn’t want it to end. There was a nagging voice in the back of my mind that I couldn’t make out.

“(Y/N).” Hoseok whispered softly. My body shivered as his thumb stroked my cheek.

“Hoseok I-”

“Do you want me to stop?” His face moved closer, our noses touching at this point.

A part of me wanted to tell him to stop. That this wasn’t right. He was Yoongi’s friend as well as mine and we had only been broken up for a few months. Yet another part of me that had an attraction towards hoseok wanted to keep going. To see what it’d be like to kiss him. I shook my head, not having a voice to tell him not to stop. Hoseoks eyes seemed to light up just before our lips touched. Instantly I felt tingles as our lips moved against each other in sync.

Hoseoks lips are so soft, a lot softer than I thought they’d be. Sliding my hands up his back I grabbed onto the back of his hair, licking his bottom lip for entrance and he let me in without a fight. Our tongues pressed together, softly stroking each other, as I moved to straddle Hoseok. Things were starting to get heated the longer we kissed. Hoseoks hands were stroking my sides under my shirt and I hadn’t even noticed I’d started lightly grinding against him until he let out a soft moan.

“What the fuck!” My body froze at the sound of the door slamming closed and the familiar voice yelling at us. I quickly got off of Hoseok. My heart was racing a mile a minute.

“Yoongi! I thought you were staying at the studio?” Hoseok stood up from the couch, running a hand through his hair, as he looked everywhere but at Yoongi who was fuming by the front door.

I couldn’t help but to stare at him. He looked skinnier than the last time I saw him like he hadn’t been eating that much and if the dark bags under his eyes were anything to go by he hasn’t been sleeping that much either. Why did my heart hurt to see him so drained.

“I was, but I felt tired so I decided to come home. It’s a good thing I did too.” The earlier anger in his voice was now gone and replaced with the indifferent tone he would use when we fought.

“Look, Yoongi, it’s not what you think.” Hoseok said making Yoongi scoff.

“Well what I think is that my ex and one of my best friends are hooking up behind my back. Is that not true?” I still hadn’t gained the courage to speak up. I hadn’t seen him in so long and for this to be the way we see each other again was not how I wanted it to happen.

“We’re not hooking up behind your back.”

“Sure looks like it to me. Look you know what I don’t care. You two do whatever the fuck you want. I’m going back to the studio.” Yoongi glanced over at me and I don’t know if it was the sad look in his eyes​ or the fact that he was leaving, but I suddenly felt like I had to speak up.

“Yoongi wait!” Yoongi stopped, his hand just about to reach for the door and stood there.

“What do you want?” I flinched at the cold tone in his voice.

“We need to talk.”

“Too bad I don’t want to talk to you.” Yoongi opened the door, preparing to walk out again, but stopped last minute.

“Fuck it. Fine you want to talk, let’s talk.” I don’t think I’d ever seen Yoongi move as fast as he just did to walk over to me and grab my arm. He pulled me out of the living room towards his and Jimins room.

“Wait slow down Yoongi.” Yoongi threw the door open, pulling me inside then slamming it behind him.

“You want to talk. So talk.” He walked away from the door with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face. Everything that I had wanted to say to him. Everything that I had kept bottled up inside of me for so long suddenly just vanished now that we were alone in the room.

“Don’t you have something to say? Aren’t you going to try to justify why you were about to sleep with my friend? Aren’t you going to fucking say something?”

“I wasn’t going to sleep with Hoseok.” I said softly.

“I doubt it. If I hadn’t have walked in when I did would you have stopped him?” I thought it over in my mind and realized that yes I would have stopped him.

“I would have. I never intended for it to go that far. I never intended to even kiss him. It just happened. Besides we’re not together Yoongi. I can do whatever I want.”

“You’re right. You can do whatever you want, but why with my friend?” Yoongi took a few steps towards me as he talked.

“I told you already it just happened! He’s my friend too!” I took a few steps towards him as well.

“You two sure look like more than friends to me. Why don’t you just admit that you like him. Probably have since we we’re together. I saw the way you two would look at each other. How long have you two been fucking each other? While we were together? Since we broke up?” I froze. I couldn’t believe he had just said that. Just accused me of fucking Hoseok while we were together. Is that what he thought of me?

“So that’s what you think of me? You think I’m some slut that would cheat on her boyfriend? You really must not know me then Yoongi. Is this why you would act like such an asshole to me? I can’t believe you. You’re such an asshole I can’t believe I was ever with you. You can go fuck yourself Yoongi. I’m leaving.” Turning around to make my way towards the door I didn’t even get halfway there before he was stopping me.

His hand wrapped around my arm, pulling me until my back was pressed against his chest. I just stood there not knowing what to do or how to react. I was angry at him, so angry, but I was sad too. Sad that we had gotten to this point. We use to be so happy together and now all we do is argue.

“I’m sorry (Y/N). I didn’t mean that. I’m just angry and hurt. I’m sorry. I don’t think you and Hoseok had anything going on. That wasn’t  the reason I was such a dick to you.” A part of me knew that he hadn’t meant to accuse me like that, but that didn’t make the hurt go away.

“Then what was it? Why do we always fight so much Yoongi? What happened to us?” Yoongi didn’t answer me. He just wrapped his arms around my waist and pressed his forehead against the back of my head.

“It’s my fault. I’ve never been good at expressing my feelings and every time you wanted to talk all I’d do is push you away. Im just so stressed. Between making songs pretty much all day, practice and the tour we’re about to go on I’ve just felt swamped. That doesn’t make how I acted right. I should have just talked to you about things. I’m sorry.”

“Do you even love me Yoongi?” Yoongi tightened his arms around me more.

“Of course I love you.”

“It doesn’t feel like you do.” I said as I moved away from him. I turned to face Yoongi, tears filling my eyes as I looked at him. I was so tired of the constant fighting between us. Yoongi didn’t answer, just looked down to avoid my eyes.

“Why do we even bother trying? We’re not good for each other Yoongi. If this is all we do then we don’t need to be together and make each other miserable. If we can’t even talk to each other about our problems why bother.” Yoongi’s head snapped up to look at me and there was a fire in his eyes.

“I love you (Y/N). I’ve barely been able to sleep since we’ve broken up. I’ve hardly been eating. All I do is think about you. I’ve written so many songs about you since I can never get you off my mind. You have no idea how much I fucking miss you all the time. Every day I hate myself more and more for fucking up and walking out on you. Every day I regret it and I’ve been thinking constantly about how to win you back. I know I hurt you and ruined us, but trust me when I say I won’t make the same mistake again. ” Every word he spoke pulled at my heart while my mind screamed to just leave.

“I miss you too Yoongi. I miss you so much I would cry myself to sleep at night. We may have our good times when we were together, but there’s been more bad than good. Being with you is just so hard. If you’re not making music all the time then you’re gone halfway across the world or busy. I dealt with it cause I love you, yes I still love you, but I don’t know if I can do it again. Not if all we’re going to do is argue over stupid things. Not if you can’t talk to me.” Yoongi shook his head, his hands grabbing ahold of mine.

“This time will be different I promise. I won’t just walk away and shut you out anymore. There’s nothing I can do about being busy, that just comes with being an idol, but I promise to try my hardest to make time for you. Please give me another chance. I don’t want to lose you again​.” I could tell Yoongi meant every word he said, but the hurt I still felt made me hesitate to try again. Then there’s the fact that I do have some feelings for Hoseok. The feelings may be small, but they’re there.

“How do I know that though? How do I know that you won’t push me away anymore? Communication is a big part of being in a relationship Yoongi. You have to talk to me when you’re stressed. When you’re upset about something you have to talk to me and not pick stupid fights over small things. I don’t want to do this with you again only for us to end up back like this.”

“I understand (Y/N). Of course we’re going to fight. Every couple fights that’s normal, but we’ll have more good times than bad times. I’m sure of it. You mean the world to me and when I left it felt like my world crumbled​. Please just give me one more chance. I won’t fuck up this time.” That was the final thing I needed to hear from him to make all the doubt I had go away. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my heart. It would take some time for us to be the same in our relationship, but I was willing to give it another shot. My love for him was strong enough to try again.

“You know I really love you Yoongi. It’s going to take some time for us to get back to the way we use to be, but since you’re so willing to try so will I.” I could feel a smile make its way across my face as Yoongi pulled me into his arms, hugging me tightly to him. Happiness began swirling up inside of me the longer we hugged. I had really missed him. I missed hugging him and just being with him. Even with what happened with Hoseok earlier I knew being with Yoongi was what I wanted more.

“But what about Hoseok? You two kissed. Do you like him as more than a friend? I know he has some feelings for you whether he’ll admit it or not.”

“I’d be lying to you if I said I didn’t have a small crush on him, but it mostly came from how nice he was being to me while I felt hurt. He was there for me Yoongi. The kiss was nice, but it honestly doesn’t mean much to me I promise. It really just happened and it went too far even though I did like it. I’ll have to talk to Hoseok though.  I need to make sure we’re going to still be friends after that.” Yoongi pulled away from me with a frown on his face.

“Did you like his kiss better than mine?”

“You want the truth?” Yoongi nodded his head, his body tensing up, as if he was waiting for the blow to his ego.

“Hoseok is a great kisser to be honest but there was no spark between us when we kissed. Though when I kiss you Yoongi I always feel like my heart’s going to burst with emotion. So I’d say your kiss is better.” I almost wanted to laugh at the satisfied look on his face. Even though I’d just lied about not really feeling anything in the kiss I knew it was for the best.

“I love you Yoongi. Don’t hurt me again.”

“I promise I won’t hurt you. I love you (Y/N).” Yoongi pulled me into another hug and I felt beyond happy. Yoongi’s hand softly stroked my face, his thumb rubbing against my lip.

“Are you going to kiss me already?” I asked. He smirked and shrugged as if to tease me.

“I don’t know. I think you’ve done enough kissing for one day. Don’t you think so?”

“Oh shut up Yoongi.” I said with a smile on my face as I pulled him towards me for a kiss. Just like I expected I felt nothing but sparks while butterflies filled my stomach. This was the right choice I could feel it in my gut. I just hoped things would be okay between Hoseok and I.

[sarahyogini]

Remembering Her

I just wanna start by saying, this is by no means going to be uplifting or enlightening so maybe you want to stop reading. I just need to write this out, it helps me get out of my own head, which can be a dangerous place. 

5 months ago I had to say goodbye to the greatest love of my life. I couldn't have been closer to her. She was almost 14 years old, I got her as a puppy when I was 13. She was my rock. Her coat had soaked up countless tears, and her smiling “happy bear” face gave me countless smiles. 

She was there, steadfast, for all the breakups, all the fights, all the laughs, all the adventures, all the sleepovers, all the late nights, all the early mornings, all the cold days, and the beautiful ones....which she only made more beautiful. There, for all of everything in my life 13-26 years old...and as you can imagine or already know, those are huge years.

She loved to lay in the sun, and sometimes her coat would get soooo hot to the touch! And Id say “Hot bear dont care!”

She would always stand between me and the fire when we camped or had the fire pit in the back yard going...again, she’d get so hot! And Hot Bear dont care. 

I remember moving out of the house with her...to a tiny apartment with my ex and another roommate...the entire apartment complex knew her before they knew me. I would walk her and people would yell out “Hey Koda!”, “Hey Girl!”. I dont know these people. I would take her around partying with me and she was quite the social butterfly, she made friends of her own.

I miss the predictable sound of her tail thumping on the ground when I walk in the room. 

I miss looking over on the couch and her just happily, gently, panting while watching me do whatever Im doing.

I miss not being able to SAY the word “ball” without dealing with an 80lb bear suddenly very determined to find said ball.

I miss the scent of her forehead. It always smelt sweet, and kind of like strawberries. In fact, the longer she went without a bath the stronger the scent was...it was her natural scent...I dont know why, or how, but it was, and it was my favorite smell in the whole world, and still is.

I know people lose loves every day, every moment. But she was mine, and I was hers. I am not one to put human life over animals, and we all feel differently, different emotions carry different weight for everyone. I consider myself a fairly strong person, emotionally, and physically for that matter. This weight for me was too heavy at first. Though I am able to carry the weight now, but that doesn't make it any lighter, I am only stronger than I was in the beginning. 

I do have my breakdowns, tonight being one of them, and I think thats okay. I took a bath to try and relax, and in relaxing, I relaxed my mind, and it went straight to Koda Bear. Then a sad song came on and my tear ducts relaxed...and it quickly became quite the ridiculous crying bath with wine situation. 

In April of 2016 I took her to the vet for a cough. They took an x-ray and found that her lungs were riddled with tumors. They told me she had maybe 3 days to live. This news was emotionally crippling for me. My job was AMAZING and let me bring her to work with me every. single. day. We didn’t have to leave each others side for a moment. The chicken place next to my work gave me free chicken tenders for her every day. She ate whatever she wanted, and I gave her a blend of spirulina, wheat grass, kelp, maca, and various other superfoods as long as she would eat it. She started acting like a puppy again. Her appetite was hit or miss, but she had more energy than I had seen in her in years! Still an occasional cough, naturally, but she was doing great. She lasted longer than the 3 days the vet told me, she gave me another solid, beautiful, 6 months. In that time I took her to the beach for the first time and she loved it, we laid in the sun together, we swam together, and we got sandy. I made her homemade waffles (complete with butter and syrup) and eggs and we ate breakfast together. We went on long car rides, snuggled LOTS, got excessive outside time, and time with me...which was literally her (our) favorite thing in the world...after fetch. It was truly unfortunate that we couldn't play ball though, her lungs couldn't handle it.

On October 4th, she didnt want to get up in the morning, completely refused to eat, and the look in her eyes...well...there was no doubt in my mind what she was saying. It was sudden...On the 3rd she was normal, energetic and all. I got her up and she would take a few steps and collapse. I force fed her so she would have energy at least. She refused everything. I even went to the store and bought various high quality organic meats...no go. I got a concentrated high calorie paste for dogs...nothing. Id sit with her in the yard for hours, her head in my lap, her labored breathing. Levon licking her eyes and ears...and the tears from my face. He is a total fucking champ by the way, and I don’t know how I would have got through this without him. 

October 5th, she was worse. Couldnt stand at all on her own, she hadnt gone to the bathroom since the 3rd, refused to drink this day. She was dying. If left to her own devices she would have just wasted away. I sat in the yard with her for the majority of the day this day. She didnt want to be near me. That. spoke. worlds. She didnt want me to see her this way, she didnt want to burden me. What an amazing being, the world is less without her in it. It was time to make a decision for her. I needed her to be at peace, but I needed to be 100% sure that it was time, and I was. Waiting any longer would have been cruel and selfish. 

October 6th, I brought her to the vet. I was going to go alone...but my dad wouldnt let me, and I am very grateful for that. He carried her to the back of my car for me...

The vet verified that this was absolutely the right thing to do. I signed a paper that said something about..welll....basically signing her life away. Paperwork...and I couldn't see though the tears, and I had a full blown panic attack. I had never had one before...I couldnt breath, I couldnt see, but i remember my dads hand on my back, giving me the shred of strength i needed to remain standing and make this happen. 

A sat at her head, held her beautiful face, and looked into her big brown eyes for as long as I could see her in them. They gave her a shot to sedate her, she got sleepy. The gave her a final shot, and her heart stopped, and i literally saw the light leave from her eyes. I watched her leave. This feeling...is something I will never forget, nor would I want to. Suddenly she was gone, she had been there for so long...this is just something I have such a hard time wrapping my head around. I left her body behind in that room, on that metal table...and picked her up 1 week later in a nice wooden box with a clump of her hair and an imprint of her paw. How bizarre. How surreal. How. Fucked.

I laid in bed in the dark with Levon, Pebbles, and Tupelo listening to Tibetan chant music for days. I lost about 10 pounds. Probably mostly water weight. I may still be there if my family would have allowed it.

I am so grateful I had those 6 months of warning. I had time to emotionally prepare as much as possible. And when her time came...I knew exactly what to do and to not drag it on and have her suffer. 

Ok I need to stop this. 

[yamlog]

today i allowed myself to take a good hard look at the rows of photos i have buried at the bottom of my feed and i made sure to focus my eyes, not let them blur and glaze over his face. i really looked at him. i looked at the way the light hit the cheekbones i really loved, i looked at the curve of his eyelids, i looked at the hint of ribcage beneath his tshirt. i think i had to, because seeing how mj is avoiding-but-not-avoiding her ex is making me understand that avoiding is not the way to go. her heartbreak is fresh, not even a month, but in many ways i am still behaving like her. i don’t listen to good advice and i avoid and avoid the source of pain. i think that by locking up and burying photos of him that i took when i was in love, i can grow out of it. but of course i am wrong, again, as usual, because even now when i stare at his face in the photos, knowing full well that i can never see this again in real life (he might as well be dead and cremated) i feel an ache. a real ache, not a metaphorical one. my chest literally twinges inside as if something’s twisting. and it gets hard to breathe. meanwhile all i can think about is how much i like what i am seeing and how sad it makes me to never reach it again. what is wrong with me though like seriously is this an imprint? did i grow some kind of dysfunctional neural pathway in the short time i was with him? it’s like programming i cannot change, what the fuck. at this rate, i wish i could turn blind so i will never have to see his face again or feel tempted to look at photos. but that’s silly, bc i need my eyes to earn a living. so i guess the next best thing would be to wish he really was dead so i can cry at his urn at the crematorium every week until i have properly mourned and can move on. i feel like a zombie. or maybe he is the zombie, neither here in my present reality nor there in a past that can be said to no longer exist. or maybe my heart is the zombie. or maybe my feelings for him is the zombie. aiya this is a difficult metaphor to wrap my head around. bottomline is, i’m pretty sure i still love him. i’d go back to him in a heartbeat. but he’s gone. dead, figuratively. i dont think i am living in the past because i am really making an effort to be here in the present and be here for all my friends who need me sometimes. but i have brought my feelings with me. they’re not “past feelings” they are PRESENT FEELINGS. right here and right now i still have living feelings. for a dead person. so what does that make me? stupid?? probably. maybe i should enforce a rule whereby i make myself stare at photos of him until the pain subsides. like cutting yourself until the nerves in your skin are so damaged and scarred over you no longer feel pain. i don’t know how long i can distract myself by going along with everyone else’s pace and physically doing the things to “move on” when in reality thinking about him still makes my nose sting and my eyes water. but he doesnt exist!!!!!! he cannot. so much time had elapsed it is so unlikely he has remained the same. employment, politics, interactions with others, maybe even new lovers must have reshaped him somehow. the person i love is probably not there anymore, or he’s been melted down and recast into a different form that i will not recognise.

i wish he wanted to meet me, and cared to see what kind of person i have become after all this. i miss him every single day. i still think about him every single night. sometimes i catch myself about to say his name and i have to close my throat before i utter and commit the atrocious act. i don’t dare find his socials because i’m terrified of what i might see. im afraid i’ll go to the cinema with mj next week, 2 heartbroken girls, and run into him holding hands with a woman i don’t recognise. i dont know how i’ll handle that. i may fling myself over the bannister of the spiral staircase and end my miserable existence on the spot. maybe i’ll take out a knife and slit my wrists on the spot so i can bleed to death with my eyes fixed on him and leave earth looking at the person i love most. on some level i do hope he has found happiness and is capable of making someone happy in a sustainable way that doesn’t put a strain on his career too much, but a big part of me still wishes i could be that person. it’s so pathetic to admit that i still wish and wish and wish i could be the recipient of his love. isn’t it so stupid to pine for treatment i won’t receive? why cant i be happy with someone else giving me double? a serious question. why does it have to be him? if only i could email god to ask.

if i do reach my deadline without being able to find happiness elsewhere and i do fling myself off some building or another, i dont think i’d like to be a ghost haunting and cursing him for all eternity anymore. i much rather there be no afterlife. no women living in banana trees. no vengeance, no reincarnation, nothing. i just want to stop existing and stop being conscious or anything. i want to disintegrate and take all my hurt and futile desire with me. no more boundaries no more self no more singularity. it would be so blissful to just dissolve and leave the fabric of existence and no longer think of him because there will no longer be a “him” because there will no longer be a “me” who “thinks.”

i wonder if he thinks of me still. i wonder what he thinks of, of him in relation to me, of me in relation to him, of me like this, of the suffering he MUST know he has caused. i dont think ive been the same person since october. it’s not like a simple apology can patch up a hole. i forgive, but the wound doesnt disappear with forgiveness. i forgive the stake in the heart because at my core i love love love love him, but the stake is still lodged in there. and i can’t die. not yet, at least. i dont think he knows the extent of the damage done. i still have nightmares every single night. i can’t remember the last time i had a good dream. i consider myself lucky when i wake up and immediately forget 95% of my bad dreams. i am so busy everyday but when im asleep i can’t manifest happiness. it’s all violence, and hatred, and meeting spectres from my past, and decay and weeping and pain. sometimes i feel the pain in my body itself. phantom and ungrounded but pain demands to be felt. i can’t just Wish it away.

i no longer believe in the possibility of miracles. but i still believe in a divine plan. if i am still unable to kill my love for him, there must be a reason. a good reason. maybe my ache makes me the friend my friends need when they get dumped. maybe i will be led by my pain to decide to join some event or cause, even if as a means of distracting myself, and end up meeting someone who really needs my support and friendship. maybe i can contribute to society in a way that i wouldnt be able to if i were perfectly happy. i like to believe that there is a purpose behind everything, even failure. and im not naive enough to think that the reason god has allowed to me suffer is because he will bring deliverance and turn a stone-cold heart back towards me. life isn’t a storybook. he won’t come back, and he won’t love me again. it’s fine. it’s fine if my continued misery could serve a greater purpose SOMEHOW. let me save one person. let me have the wells of empathy needed to say the right thing at the right time and improve someone else’s life. i cannot live like this with just myself and no contribution to the nett happiness of the world.

i did a tarot card reading for SH today, she visited my cats and we had lunch and talked about books. despite what happened at the start of the year ive found it in my heart to forgive and reconcile and take the first step in repairing our friendship. ive readjusted my expectations so i wont feel betrayed or letdown again in the future. and i recognise that she needs me more than i need her, which is a good enough reason to stay. pride is stupid. i decided years ago that i will not let pride get in the way. even if he thought i was pathetic. i dont care. love IS pathetic. my only regret was running away from him that day because i didnt want him to see me cry again. not because of pride but because i didn’t want to burden him even more. he would have been late for dance if i had allowed myself to stand there and cry. but maybe i should have. so now i will just put myself out there and move past friendship-level hurts. the reading was eerily accurate, even down to her sun sign. and extremely extremely apt for her because she’s starting uni soon and everything on the cards aligned. she jokingly said i was a witch. i only wish i was a real one so i can do Something, Anything.

[themoneybuff-blog]

Questions About Fuel Efficiency, Savings Bonds, Materialism, and More!

Whats inside? Here are the questions answered in todays reader mailbag, boiled down to summaries of five or fewer words. Click on the number to jump straight down to the question. 1. Trading up for fuel efficiency 2. Average age of credit accounts 3. Switching to one vehicle 4. Found this great stock! 5. Canadian pharmacies 6. The rental lifestyle 7. Investing in treasury notes 8. Toaster oven purchase 9. Series EE savings bonds? 10. Spotify worth it? 11. Library book sale excess 12. Books on curbing materialism I regularly spend a lot of time thinking about ideas that are really useful in shaping my life as a whole, with personal finance as a significant part of that life. The challenge for me is relating those ideas in a context so that their value to my financial life is clear. I basically see life as a series of interconnected areas. Physical health. Mental health. Focus and concentration. Spirituality. Intellectual ideas. Marriage. Parenting. Key social relationships. Community relationships. Hobbies. Finances. All of those things are interconnected. All of those areas have at least one strong connection between each of those other areas. Your finances do not live in a bubble. I could literally write an article on the connection between any two of those things. In fact, I might actually write an article about each of those areas and how they connect to finances. Because of that perspective, when I find an idea thats really useful in one area, it turns out that the idea is often useful in many other areas as well because it tugs on those connections. For The Simple Dollar, Im interested in all of those things, but Im particularly interested in exploring that areas connection to finances and how that improvement lifts up ones financial state. That goes alongside topics that are focused largely on financial benefits, like frugality topics. The truth is that if I didnt see those connections to finances and I didnt realize how much the other areas of my life support good healthy financial habits, financial independence would be a far more difficult journey. While the actual mechanical steps for improving ones finances are easy, maintaining them requires strong connections and support from the other areas in life, which is something Ive really come to appreciate in recent years. Its all connected. On with the questions. Q1: Trading up for fuel efficiency I am trying to make a decision about trading in my vehicle for a more gas efficient one. My daily driver is a Jeep Wrangler and while I enjoy driving it, it isnt so great on gas mileage. I currently relocated to California where gas prices are higher than my previous home in Texas. With my commute to work alone (approx. 40 miles) I spend about $100 a week on gas. My Jeep is paid off, but Im wondering if it makes sense to trade it in for something that does a little better on the gas mileage front. Crunching the numbers, it makes sense to think about trading it in but I really enjoy having the vehicle. Any suggestions on making a decision about getting rid of something you love for the greater good of saving money? Rick Based on my guesstimation as to the age of your Jeep Wrangler, it looks like it gets about 15 miles per gallon on average. That lines up well with your $100 a week in gas costs given your commute and the assumption that you use it for a few other things. If you swapped it for a Toyota Prius, for example, your fuel costs go down to about $30 a week, as a Prius approaches 50 miles per gallon. Over the course of a month, thats about $280 in savings. Its probably going to be cheaper in terms of insurance, too. The thing Id ask myself when comparing the Jeep and the fuel efficient car is what exactly you get out of the Jeep that you wont get out of the fuel efficient car, and is that difference worth $300 a month to you? That is the lens through which I would evaluate that purchase. What I usually find in situations like this is that the lower cost item often has much of what I like in the higher cost item and breaking it down to paying a lot of money for relatively minor features seems silly. Its also worth noting that you actually have more options here than just keep the Jeep or sell it and get a very fuel efficient car like a Prius. You also have the option of moving closer to where you work which saves a lot on fuel regardless of what vehicle you have and cuts down the time invested in your commute. You might also look for work closer to where you live if moving isnt an option for some reason. There are lots of things to consider here. Q2: Average age of credit accounts Instead of opening a new account which would lower the average age of my credit accounts, should I increase my credit limit on a secured card? Currently it is at $800. I could deposit another $200-$300 to raise my limit. Stephen Its not the average age of your credit accounts that really matters in terms of your credit score. Its the age of your oldest active account that matters. There is a minor negative impact on your credit score from opening a new line of credit, but its minor and short lived. Often, that impact is counterbalanced by having a better debt-to-credit ratio (meaning the sum total of your credit card balances divided by the sum total of your credit limits). If you open a new card with no balance, your total credit limit goes up but your debt stays the same, this improving your credit score (this only works to a certain extent, but will definitely work if youve only got one card and are opening a second one). In your shoes, I would definitely open an unsecured card if youve been handling the secured card well for a while. I wouldnt close the secured card for a while, though. Leave them both open, then close the secured one (and get your deposit back) in a few years. Q3: Switching to one vehicle While evaluating my year-end financial moves, I wondered if I could switch down to one vehicle to cut expenses. A Google search led me to an article you wrote on eliminating one car. Id like to give you some information and get your thoughts on it. I live alone and travel regionally for work. I bought my second vehicle in late 2017 to tow a trailer with my sons racing kart. I can probably drop the full coverage insurance on the vehicles to save some money. I have a 2010 Honda Civic with 248,702 miles on it. I get about 32 mpg and drove 34,529 miles last year. I had $1933.36 in necessary repairs last year. The 2018 annual insurance was $467, the 2019 cost is projected to be $594. I also have a 2006 Honda Ridgeline with 147,422 miles on it. I get about 20 mpg when I am not using it to tow and drove 4,851 miles last year. It may be higher but I only used it when needed. I had $572.07 in necessary repairs last year. The 2018 annual insurance was $148, the 2019 cost is projected to be $301. Kevin If you think its possible with your lifestyle to cut down to one vehicle, you probably can do so. Its usually professional constraints or other life constraints that keep people from being able to pull it off, so if you dont see such an issue in your life, you can probably do this. The big issue I see is that the Civic is going to be far better for commuting, but the Civic cant tow. Do you have any other option for towing that cart? Do you have a solution in place for what the Ridgeline does for you if you drop it? If you do (or if you come to the conclusion that you dont need the towing ability), then Id drop that Ridgeline like a hot potato and keep the Civic. As many miles as youre driving, the fuel efficiency of the Civic is going to save you a ton of money on gas versus driving the Ridgeline that much. I think that if you drop the Civic and keep the 2006 Ridgeline and put almost 40,000 miles a year on it, the gas costs are going to be stupendous. My back of the envelope math says youre better off keeping both cars as they are right now rather than switching to an all-Ridgeline solution. Q4: Found this great stock! Heres a brain teaser for Trent: My boyfriend bought shares of MORL about two years ago and put it on automatic DRIP. Now he gets about $600 a month on average gross. I studied this stock and I just dont really understand it, but it seems like its just about like printing money!! But if it is so great why isnt everybody in it? So dont publish this on your Q&A thing, because I want to keep this quiet. Not looking for a pump and dump scenario, just wondered your thoughts on it. Anna MORL is the stock ticker name for UBS ETRACS Monthly Pay 2xLeveraged Mortgage REIT ETN. Basically, its a bundle of mortgages put together by UBS using borrowed money. Imagine that someone borrows $100,000 to buy an investment. They owe interest on that loan, but theyre fine as long as the investment offers a better return on that loan. Now, imagine you used that investment as collateral for an even bigger loan, which you then used to buy control of mortgages, so that people paying their mortgage bills are actually now writing the checks to you. You can often buy mortgages at below face value a $200,000 mortgage might be on sale for $150,000 or whatever if someone needs money fast, so if that mortgage ends up getting paid off, you make $200,000 plus the interest over the course of a few years. This is a great way to multiply your money, but its really risky. If enough people stop paying their mortgages, you are in bad, bad shape because you cant afford to pay the interest on the loans you have. The whole thing falls apart. Thats what MORL is. MORL is an extremely risky investment that only works well while the housing market is stable and interest rates are low. Its double-leveraged and uncollateralized housing debt, which basically means that if people were to suddenly have difficulty paying their mortgages (like what happened in 2007 and 2008) MORL is going to tank hard. Double-leveraged essentially means it rises twice as high when things are going well and falls twice as hard when things are not going well. I would not hold that investment for anything I was relying on for the future. If youre playing around with investments with money you can afford to lose, sure, but thats basically to gambling. Q5: Canadian pharmacies Im curious about your opinion on Canadian (or other foreign) pharmacies. My husband used them back in the day while caring for his mother. I tried one or two and wound up (computer) virus laden. Are there any good sites for Canadian pharmacies? Is it better to go straight to Canada for better prices? Doug So, heres the deal. Bringing prescription drugs into the United States from Canada is illegal under the Prescription Drug Marketing Act of 1987. However, because of the vagaries of having to deal with every special case of people living along the US-Canadian border, the DEA and the border patrol do not really enforce the law provided youre getting 90 days or less of a prescription filled and its not a narcotic. Basically, they just look the other way because its easier than dealing with the specifics of a case and the bad press that would come from taking away an 87 year olds arthritis prescription or a diabetic persons insulin. To exploit this loophole actually, just an unenforced law a lot of online pharmacies have popped up supposedly dealing in Canadian pharmaceuticals, but a lot of them are pretty dodgy. Theyre already doing something illegal but unenforced and its a market that reputable companies will largely stay out of because the whole thing relies on the US government not enforcing its laws. You may be able to luck out and find a reputable seller online, but there are a lot of sharks in the water because its actually illegal. Id avoid it unless youre actually going to Canada and buying the prescription drugs in person there, buying a small amount, and then coming home. Even then, youre breaking the law, but its a law thats not been enforced for a while. Q6: The rental lifestyle We are at retirement age and are thinking about buying a 5th wheel as our home for a number of years, as we are late to the savings game. It seems that used vehicles are the same price as new, and all of them expensive. What do you think about this alternative lifestyle choice that doesnt include real property? Amber It seems reasonable. I have met many people who have retired to a camper or a trailer. Many of those wind up parking semi-permanently at a campground and serve as campground hosts, so it doesnt seem like that unusual of a choice to me. (This shouldnt be surprising our family goes camping somewhere probably half a dozen times a year.) I think the key is to be sure youve priced everything out and be open to part-time work, both as a way to make ends meet and as a way to fill your time. I also know a lot of retirees who find themselves without much to do to fill their hours once theyre retired. If it seems appealing and the math works out, go for it. Thats my advice. Q7: Investing in treasury notes Question for you: I recently recovered some unclaimed property that I had lost to the state 12 years ago that they sold 8 years ago. I lost dividends for 12 years and lost the value the stock rose after it was liquidated. I wish to make up for my mistakes, so I was thinking of investing the money in T bills as I could use more stable investments. Do you have any opinions on T bills? Amy My feelings on US treasuries are that theyre about as stable as can be in terms of an investment but the returns they offer are really low these days, so low that theyre often matched by savings accounts. Theyre rock-solid and they do offer a tiny return thats as guaranteed as can be in this world, but the return is so small that I would not bank on them as a long term investment. You dont want to lock your money up for many years in treasuries that are returning less than 3% unless you truly need something rock solid. At this point, Id probably just put the money in a savings account or a money market account instead and buy them when interest rates rebound. The question of what kind of stability you need in your overall investments is something I cant judge without seeing your full portfolio. Q8: Toaster oven purchase Im hoping youll evaluate a recent purchase using your buy it for life philosophy. This detailed evaluation is overkill for a single, cheap purchase, but it would be valuable to have a good strategy for similar future purchases. I needed a new 4-slice toaster oven and decided to buy one at Walmart during a weekly shopping trip. Given the low price, I couldnt justify spending the time or gas on a trip to another store. I also didnt think Id find many quality online reviews of sub-$30 toaster ovens. The options that satisfied the size and features criteria were a $20 Mainstays brand model or a $25 Black & Decker brand model. I was skeptical that the Black & Decker model would last 25% longer, or be 25% more effective. Second, a toaster oven is relatively simple I doubted there was any game changing technology that B&D incorporated into this model that the cheaper version lacked. My cynical mind also suspected the B&D model was only branded as such after being manufactured in a random factory. I bought the cheaper model. What would you have done differently? Kevin I would have bought the cheaper model, but I would have probably waited a week and scoped out the local Goodwill first and bought whatever I could find there, as you can usually find toaster ovens there. Aside from the Goodwill caveat, I basically agree with your way of thinking. I might have done some homework on toaster ovens beforehand by looking at Consumer Reports or other guides, but honestly, theyre simple devices to perform a simple task and arent overly expensive, so youre probably fine in this case. While I have no evidence for it, youre probably right on the relabeled Black and Decker. Many items like this are functionally identical inside and have just a slightly different case on the outside. There really isnt a whole lot of variance in toaster oven internal parts. Q9: Series EE savings bonds? I have been buying series EE savings bonds for my grandson for years. My son says that theyre not a good investment right now and that a better gift for his future is to contribute to a 529. Thoughts? Amber I agree with your son. Series EE get very low returns right now; theyre best in environments with high inflation and high interest rates, neither of which is true at the moment. With a 529, the money can be invested more aggressively for much better long term returns if the account manager so chooses. My only qualm here is the gift horse in the mouth issue. I hope that this discussion was a tactful one. Its hard to say from the description. I consider complaining about a gift to be a pretty rude move. If you have a relative giving savings bonds and would rather they contribute that money to a 529 for your childs future, thank them for the bond, wait for a while, and then have a conversation with them about how youre saving for your childs college education. Mention that anyone can contribute to the fund, but let the gift-giver decide what to do with their gift. Its their choice, not yours. Q10: Spotify worth it? I used to listen to the radio constantly. There used to be a radio station near here that played great music of a wide variety, from rock to bluegrass. The station was sold and now plays modern bland country music. I have tried listening to other stations but havent found anything I like. Considering trying Spotify or XM but wary of adding a monthly fee. Are they worth it? Ashley We have a Spotify account that we use as a family. It is often being streamed through speakers in our family room or in our daughters bedroom. My feeling is that such an account is worth it if you listen to a lot of music and want it to just stream and mix up song selections on its own without ads. If you dont listen very often, I wouldnt subscribe. My suggestion would be to try Spotify with a 30 day trial offer heres the link. Set a reminder on your phone 27 days from now that reminds you to cancel it if youre not using it. Then, install the app and try using it as you would a radio. My best experience has been with an inexpensive Bluetooth speaker. Q11: Library book sale excess Our local library has a book sale every year where you can go in on the last day and fill up a box for $2 which I have done for years. I finally realized that I had filled up half of our spare bedroom with books Ill never read from those sales. I would end up grabbing 4-5 that Id actually read and 40 that I wont. What do I do with all of these books? I dont want to throw them away. Anna My first suggestion would be to have a super cheap yard sale. If your town has a community wide yard sale, announce that youre selling books, put them all out there for a quarter each on the first day, then knock it down to a dime each the second day, then a nickel each the third day. People will clean them up if you advertise it a little. Another suggestion is to start dropping them in little free libraries around town. Just take some with you and whenever you see a little free library, stick one or two of those books in there. Itll put that book in the hands of someone who will read it. If nothing else, you can always donate used books to Goodwill or the Salvation Army. Theyll almost always accept used book donations. Q12: Books on curbing materialism Something Im struggling with is my relationship with stuff. Ive been thinking about it a lot lately. I think I feel like to some extent that my worth as a person is tied up in the stuff that I have, like I cant really enjoy books without a large personal book collection or I cant really be a good home chef without a lot of kitchen gear. The thought of getting rid of stuff really hurts because I feel like Im agreeing to be worse at something or less at something. I think this is a feeling youre familiar with. Do you have any advice or any books on how to curb this way of thinking? I need to stop accumulating stuff and start downsizing. Jim The easy answer would be the ever-popular Marie Kondo book, but I think youre asking a somewhat different question than what shes answering. I have three suggestions for where I think youre at, ranging from the more practical to the more philosophical. The first is The More of Less by Joshua Becker, which is definitely the most practical of the three books Im suggesting here. Beckers key argument is that owning too much stuff keeps you from the experiences you want to have because youre constrained by space and clutter. Thus, take the approach that even a small fraction of your stuff represents more than a lifetimes worth of experiences and pass on the remainder to those who will value it. It only takes a small fraction of the stuff you have to represent your life. The second is Goodbye, Things by Fumio Sasaki, which is in the middle in that its a mix of philosophical and practical. This book, to me, focused on the connection between your sense of well being and the environment you inhabit and how that interconnection flows both ways. While it dives into practical steps, it focuses on how those steps reveal and promote a symbiosis between your own well being and your immediate environment. The final book is very philosophical Erich Fromms To Have or To Be? Fromm steps back from the practical but rather dives in a very thoughtful way into why we accumulate things. His argument is that we do so because we view them as a shortcut to a particular type of experience we yearn for, but that the item often serves as a substitute for that experience, an empty calorie that leaves us unfulfilled. This book ends up being an argument for experience rather than possession and I found it to be the most convincing but least directly practical of the three. Read this one to feed your thinking and inspiration; read the others for more connections to practical steps. Got any questions? The best way to ask is to follow me on Facebook and ask questions directly there. Ill attempt to answer them in a future mailbag (which, by way of full disclosure, may also get re-posted on other websites that pick up my blog). However, I do receive many, many questions per week, so I may not necessarily be able to answer yours. https://www.thesimpledollar.com/questions-about-fuel-efficiency-savings-bonds-materialism-and-more/

[spookyenemyperson-blog]

Apply Unemployment Insurance california recently moved to NV?

"Apply Unemployment Insurance california recently moved to NV?

I was a resident in california but recently moved to NV. i paid tax to CA in the last 5 years. will that be a problem if i use NV address ?

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://averageinsurancecost.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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I have been looking around at cars for ages now as i can start learning to drive in about 4 months. But as you know, when you first learn to drive insurance prices are a joke, my parents will pay for my first car and insurance but they are kinda stingey when it comes to insure so only wanna spend around 1.8k per year, but they dont mind buying me like a 4k car, they wanted to get me the new ford KA but i just don't really like it, I know i sound ungrateful but i'm just seeing what other options i have as im gonna be stuck with it for a good few years. I also quite like old cars like like MG MGB's, i also like the new fiat 500 but these are a little over my price range, please suggest some nice cars :( with cheap car insurance!! (so probably around 1L engines)""

Is there a CHEAP car that fits my needs?

Hey, Im a soon to be 19 year old, looking for my first car, I iwll be getting my licenses next month and was wondering is there like a cheap big body cars out there sorta like the ...show more""

Who has best affordable health insurance?

Looking for health and dental insurance for 1 + spouse in Texas.

Car Insurance without a license?

I know this is a dumb question, but I thought I would ask anyway. My 25 year old son, recently had his license suspended, due to non payment of a ticket. His car registration is coming up this month. Is there any way he can get insurance, so the registration on his car, will remain current. At least until he pays off his ticket.""

""California has had lawsuits capped at $250K for years now, and it didnt make rates go down one cent....?

....In fact they are still some of the highest in the Country. Can some conservative explain how this is so given their constant claims the 5% (!!!) of insurance company budgets that go towards lawsuits drive prices up?

How much money will I get from this car accident?

The air bag knocked me unconscious and so now my lawyer is handling everything. I don't have health insurance so the insurance so the drivers insurance company should for it. How much money could I get from a case like this if the drivers insurance company is Progressive with full coverage?

Driving without insurance?

I can't afford insurance for the truck I got, it's registered in my dads name and is legal, but what happens if I get caught with out insurance?""

Dose Insurance Pay For Contact Lenses?

I Want Contact Lenses , Will My Insurance Pay For Them?""

Can I rent a car without my own insurance?

I don't have any car insurance since I go to college in the city and rely on public transportation. I'm 21 years old and I am making a trip to LA where I want to rent a car. I am wondering if I am still able to rent a car since I don't have my own car insurance. Can I bring my parents insurance information with me? The insurance card only has their names on it, not mine. What should I do?""

Pregnancy insurance???????

im pregnant and i dont have insurance that will cover me or the baby. I am trying for medicaid and will probably qualify but barely. And i want to get married before the baby is born but again we might just barely qualify. Is there any suggestions on insurance plans or help with medicaid?

Does anyone use CHIP health insurance for their child?

I will be taking a new job with a small company that does not provide insurance, so we'll be buying our own. The only problem with this is that my 2 year old son was recently diagnosed with epilepsy, so nobody will cover him (or it costs a TON.) So we're considering putting him on CHIP, which is PA's state health insurance program. Anyone else use this? I'm very curious about the waiting period before he would be covered.""

""I had a dui 4 years ago, i am not a resident in NC and looking for cheaper auto insurance?""

4 years ago i had a dui, now i am in NC and looking for car insurance that will be cheaper than expensive lol, eventho i have a dui""

How much does motorcycle ensurance cost?

I am planning on getting a bike. used,street bike probably a 04-07 dont know what kind yet but i was curious if a) is insurance on a motorcycle absolutely needed? b)how much if im 18, but father as a co signer with GREAT credit score c)on a $5,000 bike how much would it be a month overall, insurance and payments.""

Insurerance companies unable to insure me- why is this?

im in the process of buying a second hand toyota yaris sr (first registered in 2000). i have one other car and have no problems getting insured on it. for some reason with the yaris i cannot get insured (even with same insurance company) even though my personal circumstances havent changed. any ideas why this might be? also with one copmpany they'd insure me if it didnt have alloy wheels but because it does they wouldnt.

Does anyone know anything about Metlife Life Insurance Policy's?

I am trying to claim a life insurance policy on my dad who passed a month ago.I was the beneficiary but Met life is hassling me and says that it was never on file.He paid forty years on a 10k payout and now they say the company he worked for told them there was no beneficiary when I am told by that company he worked for that I am most definitely am on the policy.My dad changed it over two years ago after my mom died who they also said was never on the policy!!! The woman said they will not except any papers from that company now as to confirming this due to it already being filed. They want me to get a paper notarized saying that i'm trying to get it but yet first want to know all my siblings names and their ssn so that it will be divided up or paid out to unpaid credit cards.Has this happened to anyone before? I cannot pay funeral expenses I have 7 greedy siblings who didnt help me one day in the last 3years of taking care of my elderly parents! If my mom was still alive and this happened to her OMG Why even get an INS policy if they treat you like this??

Apply Unemployment Insurance california recently moved to NV?

I was a resident in california but recently moved to NV. i paid tax to CA in the last 5 years. will that be a problem if i use NV address ?

""Teen car insurance,HELP!!!!!?""

im going to get my license in december, and i want a 2008 honda civic hybrid, im going to be 16 by then, my gpa is 4.0, and im a female, live in california, and how much will be my insurance approximately if the car is under my parent's? and what do i have to bring on the day of my road test other than my permit and my drivers training completion certificate? thx""

Suzuki swift insurance for 17 year old? (UK)?

a 1.3 is insurance group 4 and I dont know how much that would actually cost? for a 17 year old please dont say too much or too hard to say I just need to know the range of how much it would cost to insure e.g. 3000 - 4500 Also im not 17 yet so I cant get insurance quotes. 10 points to best answer.

How can I lower my auto insurance?

I am 20 years old. I live in Florida which is by far the WORST states to have auto insurance. I've only been in 2 accidents, both not my fault. One was a small fender bender (which my friend decided to get a PIP claim even though he didnt get hurt so he could snag some money from the government). The other i totaled my car, but that was over 2 YEARS AGO. This is a no fault state which sucks because both of them werent my fault!!!!! Currently my auto insurance is 253 dollars! I'm a college student and i CANNOT afford that, but thats the cheapest one I found. Geico and all the popular ones wont even look at me. And it also adds on the my mom was in an accident (also not at fault) she got hit from behind at a red light and of course they penalized her for that too. Florida is a fraud state, they penalize you for everything when its no fault. Does anyone know how i can lower my auto insurance? It's been 2 years since I totaled my car and almost 2 and a half 3 years from the small fender bender. I also got a small speeding ticket from maybe september or december of last year, but thats it. no other tickets. thanks!""

""How much does it cost to live on your own in Sacramento, CA?""

I need to move out when I turn 18 due to problems at home and with my family. How much would it cost, realistically, to live on my own in a studio apartment in sacramento, roseville, citrus heights, rocklin or the surrounding area? I mean the bare minimum cost, including car insurance, rent, food, medical insurance, etc. I would be paying for everything on my own. Thank you for the input!""

""Buying a car, do I need my own insurance to have the title signed over to me?""

My youth pastor is selling me his 2004 Dodge Stratus, and we're planning on going to the DMV tomorrow morning to have the title signed over. Currently, my mom pays for my car insurance every month, and the car I've been driving is in her name. If I want to put the new car in my name, can my mom still pay for my insurance or do I have to be able to pay for it in order to have the title signed over to me?""

Hi a question about car insurance companies .thanks?

Hi how long do the car insurance companies keep record of the phone call because it is a good proof for the people who insure their car ? thanks

Do you know if there is an insurance company that insures cars that travels in both Mexico and Texas?

I am temporarily living in Mexico and will be crossing the border to Texas. I don't know if anyone knows if there is auto insurance that takes care of insurance for crossing the ...show more

International health insurance question. ????

I'm planning on moving to Finland this March-October and have been looking online for health insurance while I am away from the US. Can anyone recommend some companies which offer good coverage, but is also affordable?""

Mass insurance?

why is it that in massachustts that if you have a deductable of $500 on your car insurance policy and put in a claim for $900 dollars you are charged a surcharge of $360 for 6 years why do we have insurance and pay a high premium to start with. they should pay the claim for the $400 difference without a surcharge. i have 3 cars insured and it seems that i pay for the insurance but have no benefit from it.

What is the cheapest car insurance in New York?

What is the cheapest car insurance in New York?

Need to switch car insurance?

i am 18 and a female, i have a car under my parents name along with the insurance. last year i was in a car accident, and this year my insurance went up to $2000 a year with statefarm. i have to come up with $400 for the renewal period now. we've looked for insurance to something cheaper but cant find anything...can anybody help me find a cheaper insurance or where to look for one. thank you so much""

""Both Canidates say they will make insurance affordable, no #'s are given - what is affordable?""

Both Canidates say they will make insurance affordable, no #'s are given - what is affordable? Some people cant afford $2.00 a week or a month...they are living on nothing. My ...show more""

Health Insurance for adults!?

My mother is 62 and has no insurance. Im being told she needs tests run and needs to be seen immediately. Is there any type of insurance that can help her?

Auto insurance for a Ford Mustang vs. Honda Accord?

I am a 16 year-old female who currently has a 4.4 GPA. I took drivers ed when I was 15 to get my license. I heard that cars are ridiculous to insure for young drivers, especially ...show more""

""If someone jumps off a building and hits my car, will my insurance cover it, and will my rates go up?""

if someone commits suicide on my car and they have insurance, will their insurance than cover it? if not and my insurance has to cover the damage, will my rates go up?""

Minor car accident with no car insurance?

I was in a minor car accident last month and i was the one at fault. I was backing out of a parking space and a lady with her son who was driving pulled up behind and was going pretty fast. I left a minor dent in the front part of her car and a few scratches. She has been harrassing me since the day it happened and finally she contacted me and i agreeded to pay the cost of the damage because i didnt have insurance at the time. But then she sent me a sheet with the costs of the damages, 1,000 dollars!! I think it's way over priced and a lawyer doesnt want to do anything about it. She keeps calling and harrassing me and threatening me with the law. what can the law do? what can the judge do to me in court? will i go to jail?""

Will my gf's car be taken away if I don't have any car insurance but I have my driver's lisence?

I am a young adult and I recently obtained my Driver's License last year on the day before Thanksgiving. After that, I have been driving my gf's car and was wondering what ...show more""

Car insurance ?

who knows the most cheapest it car insurance company plz ?

Do Police Officers have to pay for their police car & insurance?

Im wondering if police officers have to pay for the police car they use, and if they have to pay for the insurance, or is it covered by the police department? and do they receive gas money or you have to pay for it out of your own pocket?""

What year vehicles require full coverage insurance?

im looking for a cheap insurance for the state of louisiana. im with progressive and pay 88.00 for liability uninsure motorist and road side assistance. i want an 08 or 07 car but cant afford to pay for full coverage(mean over 90.00) for insurance. By law are 07 and 08 vehicles required to have max coverage or just liability. only drvie veh to work and local shopping and bring mom to medical appointments. and are what kind of cars get low insurance rates(cars verses suv, two door verses 4 door red verses white)? any company suggestions looking to by chevy colbalt or suv kia sorrento.""

Which is best insurance scheme Home loan insurance or Life Term Insurance to protech Home loan?

I am having Home loan 20 lacs and would like to protect the risk. Could you suggest which is best insurance scheme Home loan insurance (Protecting home loan alone) and Lime Term Insurance (protecting like not home loan). I want to know the premium which one is lower and benefit one?

Car insurers recommendations?

hi there people, Since passing my test in December, I have been looking to buy (and insure) a car. Shortly I will be able to afford a little run around and have been getting insurance quotes for cars like the Fiesta and Corsa. I have noticed that over the last few months comparison site quotations have jumped from an average of 1800 to 3000 for someone in my circumstances. I have read and understand why car insurance has been hiked up, no win no fee claims are more popluar, fraud and bogus claims and economic recession are responsible for a massive increase in car insurance premiums...Im so angry at these things. I cannot believe this as I though 1800 was extortionate to begin with. I have found Elephant insurance who are quoting me reasonable prices however, back to around the 1800 mark. Please can you recommend any other good car insurers for first time drivers. I am 33 and live in Manchester England. All the big name insurance sites that appear on comparison sites see like a rip off, so any smaller insurers you have had experience of would be useful;, Thanks.""

What should I do I hate insurance company?

This is frustrating I got involve an accident was going straight and suddenly a lady turned in front of me I could have ran into to her but I choose to go around and I wrecked my car to a fire pole she ddnt stop I spoke to geico they gonna fix my car as I had full coverage but they said they gonna analyse if my policy will increase or not at renewal cause they putting me at fault as there's nobody else to blame and the funny thing is that same thing happen to me a year ago I turned in front of a lady she could have went around but she ran right into me where the accident happen there was camera if I'm able to get them the videos to show that I didn't intentionally wreck my car would they take that in consideration ? Now they making me think bad like I should have run into her car and let her take the blame I could have get injured and probably everybody in her car? This is bs

How much is insurance per year on a E46 BMW M3?

I'm looking into buying a 2002-2004 M3. I'm 18 yo male with a clean driving record.

Riding a motorcycle without licence?

I just bought my first motorcycle today, and I'm enrolled in the msf course but it dosn't start for a few weeks. Can i still ride my bike legally?""

Apply Unemployment Insurance california recently moved to NV?

I was a resident in california but recently moved to NV. i paid tax to CA in the last 5 years. will that be a problem if i use NV address ?

What is Private Health Insurance?

My work provides me with insurance that covers medical and some RX. Is this considered Private insurance? Or is Private insurance when you go and purchase the insurance on your own?

How much would insurance on a 1990 dodge neon ?

I think it might be my first car , && I have to pay for insurance .""

Affordable Health Care Who is really paying for it?

32 Million in the US uninsured. Pre ACA, the uninsured would show up in the ER, get whatever treatment they could then leave, most of them not paying the bill. The hospital prices ...show more""

With millions of people losing their jobs and health insurance every month....?

can you see why we need affordable health coverage for all Americans? When I left my job, my option to keep my Insurance for a year would cost $1,300 a month for me and my family. As we see more and more Americans lose their jobs and unable to afford health insurance, the crisis only grows. If you don't believe we should have a government health care program that covers all Americans, what is your solution?""

""In CA, would my mom's car insurance cover my car?""

I live with my mom in California and we both have cars. I just bought mine recently under both mine and my mother's name but do no have it insured. My mom does have insurance though. I got in a little fender bender a couple days ago but when the report got filed, I got a citation for not having my own car insured. What I mean to ask here is, if my mom has car insurance and my car is under her name as well, would her insurance cover me, therefore leaving the citation void?""

How can you avoid paying for expensive car rental insurance?

I drive a rental car, but the insurance is very expensive. I have to pay a daily price. I have non owners insurance, but that does not cover collision. Is there a way to avoid paying these prices as they are so expensive but still have full coverage? I tried to insure the car but I couldn't being that it isn't minds. The non owners policy is legal but it doesn't cover the car. Thanks for any suggestions.""

Car insurance... ways to lower it?

I know there are many variables but I've found the cheapest insurance company for me and adjusted various thing to lower it, all things are still true to me, but I'm currently looking to pay around 2400 I have found cheaper insurance for around 1400 bit then looking to pay around 1200 for the car, I bought my car for 80 as it was a family members car and needed work, but its all repaired, so the money id spend on a car wouldn't make up for insurance, also I've found insurance cheaper for my car but has a black box fitted to the car if I do that, but I may want to drive later than 11.00pm""

Do I gotta be on my mom insurance?

Do I gotta be on my mom insurance to get my licence... I'm 17

Why is motorcycle insurance so expensive?

im looking into a 600 katana with a clean driving record and taking the safety course insurance is still very high like 240 a month just about everywhere with 1000 deductables why is this? what bike would be cheaper on insurance thats kinda sporty still

Cheap motorcycle insurance in Kansas for a 21 year old male?

cheapest i have found is AIG for about 115$ a month for full coverage, and they will also let me knock that down to liability during the winter time when i am not driving the bike. geico and progressive both wanted upwards of 210$. my question is, are there any places that i should try that you think might be able to beat AIG's 115 a month for full coverage. i am 21 years old and have 1 ticket on my record of 14 mph over about a year ago. the bike is a 2006 kawasaki zx6r. thanks""

Best place to get California car insurance?

Online, preferably. Thanks!""

Prelude vs Subaru on Insurance ?

Which one is typically cheaper? Between a 97 - 01 Prelude and a 00' Subaru 2.5rs Iv heard prelude insurance is expensive. I know wrx insurance is insanely high but im thinking the 2.5rs must be cheaper since its not turbo'ed.

What is a good cheap sports car for a teenager?

I just learned to drive a manual transmission so now i am interested in a more sporty car. I want something that is initially fast and doesn't require modificatons. I have a limit of about 5 or 6 grand.

I want cheap auto insurance?

I am from canada and i want cheap auto insurance from where i will get this.

Is auto insurance cheaper in Texas than California?

Is auto insurance cheaper in Texas than California?

How can I get insurance for my car?

I bought a car yesterday to use as a parts car to repair things I need for my other car.My other car is in my mom's name and on her insurance policy, however, the new car is in MY name. I need proof of insurance to have the car registered so that I can get tags for it, but I don't need real insurance for it. The car I bought isn't drivable and I had it towed to my house. Is there an insurance company that will offer me a very cheap policy? I'm under eighteen. I need someone to help me figure out what to do. I live in Virginia. If someone could help answer this, it would be greatly appreciated.""

Short term car insurance for driving abroad???? (in france)?

I am 19 years old and heading to france for the day, the yearly car insurance I already have does not cover me abroad, so I need to get insurance for the day. I have looked online but most companies only insure people who are 23 years old+""

Why do people keep comparing health insurance to car insurance?

Yes you are forced to have car insurance....if you OWN a car! Why do people keep stating that being forced into buying health care is no different than being federally mandated to own car insurance?

Around how much would my car insurance be?

I was thinking about buying a 2001 chevy camaro that my friend is selling. I wanted to purchase the car but my mom said I shouldnt because the insurance for the car would be too much. I'm 18 years old. I also know that different insurance companies will have different prices. Just wanted to know if anyone can tell me around how much I would paying. Thank you for your time

Trying to get cheaper auto insurance?

I live in NYC where auto insurance is extremely high. I wanted to know if mom and pop auto insurance companies are cheaper than top named auto insurance companies like Allstate, state farm, etc. The top auto insurance companies are giving me really high quotes. I see a lot of small business insurance companies in the neighborhood. I wonder if they will give me a lower quote and are they just as good as allstate or state farm, etc.? Thanks.""

How much do you pay for health insurance per month?

Just your portion/ per month / your age I am 30 and did not choose a health plan at work because I think $170 a month for basic HMO is too much for a single healthy person. I used to pay $60 with dental and vision at my last job (which I know is really cheap). When I interviewed here they told me they had a great health plan. Well, guess what they lied! I will definatly be asking more questions about health insurance when I talk salary for my next position.""

Mandated Health Insurance is different from Mandated Auto Insurance how?

The Supreme Court will be deciding if the government can force us to buy health insurance from a private corporation. The government forces us to buy auto liability insurance from a private corporation. I am at a loss to see the difference.

Anyone know of a good affordable health insurance plan for a 32yr single male who visits the doctor often?

Anyone know of a good affordable health insurance plan for a 32yr single male who visits the doctor often?

16 year old car insurance?

im about to buy a 1997 honda civic ex and i was wondering what my car insurance might be if it helps im a guy in florida and im 16 thanks

How much do you think it would cost a 16 year old on insurance for a 1993 Honda Accord?

How much do you think it would cost a 16 year old on insurance for a 1993 Honda Accord?

Apply Unemployment Insurance california recently moved to NV?

I was a resident in california but recently moved to NV. i paid tax to CA in the last 5 years. will that be a problem if i use NV address ?

Car insurance for 20 year old female?

I've been told a Ford KA is the cheapest to insure. So I've found a Ford KA Year 2000 1,3 ltr. Sale price is 660. 80,000 miles. I will be doing roughly 4 - 5,000 miles a year. I'm just a simple standard first time driver applicant... No convictions, health issues or NCB. Why are insurance companies quoting me over 5,000 a year online??? I'm 20, female and have just passed my test. 21 in august. What's the cheapest way to get insured?? 1ltr car??""

Insurance question HELP PLZ?

On the insurance to get a quote, it says to list all the violations within the last 3 years. I have got one speeding ticket but was cleared because i took the Stop Class. So do i have to put this down as one of the penalities""

Help! I need health insurance by thursday?

I finally went to the doctor for my period( lasting for nearly a month now) Currently self-pay but wanted to know if I can get affordable insurance by my next Doctor visit. I need to get lab work done, which everyone tells me its a lot of money. And I have to visit a Gyno for an ultrasound which when I called I received a price I cant possibly afford right now.What I do know is that I can't afford to miss the appoint ments. I am concerned about my health. So if anyone have any suggestions or answers please let know.""

My daughter wants me to put car insurance in my name?

she wants me to put car insurance in my name for her husband he cant do it cause it would cost alot he has alot of speeding tickets and a dui plus he has lost his driver licenses my record is perfect what do you think i didn't even know you can do that im in ohio

Does a stop sign violation increase your insurance in Sacramento?

I just a stop sign violation about an hour ago, I was planning on paying it because I do not know enough to fight the ticket in court. Will the citation increase my insurance rate? I have AAA. And the violation occured in Sacramento, CA few blocks from my house.""

Car insurance question! help?

Ok so I'm 17 years old. I have had my license for 5 months. I have never gotten a ticket, been in an accident or pulled over. My parents are buying me a car.. and well I'm a teenage guy so I want a sports car. My parents said I can't have a car with a v8 engine or any kind of GT because it will raise the insurance cost. I found a nissan 300zx online for around 4,500. It isn't a gt, its automatic and its a v6. I told my dad about it and he said no. When I asked why he said because nissans are different and the insurance will be high if I buy that car, but he says its fine if I get a different car make that has a v6. Is what he said true? Will the insurance go higher because its a nissan sports car? (We have gieco)""

Financing a new car and with no insurance?

could I finance a new car then have it sit in my drive way with no plates or registration to avoid paying for insurance ontill I pay the car off

Am i paying to much for car insurance?

I am 23 have a 1990 buick car. I have have nothing on it besides a stop sign which should be off my record now, it was 4 years ago when i was 19. I am paying $386 for 6 month period. I go though shelter insurance. They said it won't go down until i am 25 or married. thanks""

How much do you pay for car insurance a year?

i am about to take my second practical driving test so i am hoping to be buying my first car soon . I don't know anything about car insurance so i would like to get an idea how it works and what i will have to pay can anyone help me with because i need all the help i can get (not knowing a lot about cars )

Can I get separate 6 month car insurance for 2 vehicles?

I live in Vermont want to drive ONLY my Kia Spectra May-October, and ONLY my Ford F150 from November-April. I want to save money by having an insurance policy that covers each car for these 6 month intervals vs. insuring both year-round. Do car insurance companies typically offer this kind of coverage? I would ask around, but the insurance companies are so aggressive I can NEVER call for a simple quote or answer without extreme sales pressure.""

What should I do to get an International Medical Insurance?

I am a visitor in the United States, and I ll be here for about 2 months and I need a Medical Insurance, need some recommendations and where to go, and the docs necessaries.""

What are the different types of life insurance? What are the pros and cons of both?

Which life insurance companies do you recommend? How young is too young for your child? He's 1... I'd like to leave my family with the security and without the stress of money when I die, but I don't know where to start. Thank you in advance!""

How much does a california speeding ticket and no insurance will cost?

My friend jst bought a car from sacramento and i was driving it since it was manual he was jst learning and i was speeding in the freeway on a 70 went 86 and i got pulled over .. with no insurance since we were going to transfer hes old insurance in hes old car to this new one toyota xrs 06... how much will it cost me for the ticket and the no insurance please help me i have no idea what to do ?

Help with insurance policies?

Does anyone know websites with insurance policies for events? I'm holding an event and I can't seem to find any proper policies anywhere. It's more of a sporty type event.

Getting a ticket for no insurance?

how much does it cost for getting a ticket for no insurance in california ?

Cheapest car insurance in Massachusetts for a new driver?

I'm buying a car soon and will need insurance too.

Can you register and buy a (cheap) car with no license or insurance?

I want to know if i can register a very cheap car thats around 2,000 tops at a used car lot and buy it with no problems.What problems will i face isnt it easyier to get a cheap car like this then at a actual new dealer i have no license or insurance do i pick a dealer with in house financing the only thing they will most likely ask for is it to get registered can i do that im paying half down.?im 21 im getting my license in 2 weeks (and no i cant wait)""

Where can i find cheap auto insurance?

I am 18, almost 19""

""How long will I have to work until I can get a car, and insurance?

I'm 16 and plan to work at McDonald's or a local restaurant. It'll be after school so I'll only be earning minimum wage. How long will I have to work to earn enough money to buy a car and insurance? Thank you!

Is there such thing as temporary car insurance?

My grandparents are coming from montreal and staying for a couple months. I was told by my grandfather that I could use the car they drove down in while they are staying with me. Seeing as I'm not apart of their insurance policy, is there any way to purchase temporary auto insurance? I doubt it exists, but I guess its almost like renting a car and buying temporary insurance. Im confused can someone help?""

Im looking for a car thats as fast as any normal 1.6 but is cheap on insurance?

Im 20 years old and i am looking for a car with the same acceleration or bhp as a normal 1.6 normal but i would like one that's cheaper on insurance

How much does auto insurance cost in BC for class 7N?

I'm gonna get my N soon and I would like to know how much insurance will cost so i can decide if i can afford insurance before i buy a car. I'm probably gonna buy an old car, nothing fancy. Thanks a lot.""

Sports car vs. compact SUV insurance?

I currently have a 2007 Pontiac G5, classified as sports car according to my insurance broker and pay quite a bit because I am young. I'm considering buy a 2008 compact SUV Kia Sportage, would insurance be higher or stay about the same?""

Will upgrading my car Increase my Insurance?

Lets say I bought a $3500 Honda Civic(Decent Condition). Now, lets say I got a paint job, new hood(sporty), redid the dash, maybe replace the engine with a faster(speed wise) one(these are just examples, not gonna do it), would that increase your Insurance because I know they increase your insurance if you buy a sporty car right off the bat. Thanks xD""

Is this reasonable amount to pay for term life insurance?

Term Life 30 yrs, $150,000 at $36 monthly...I am 26 years old an in reasonable good health --- non smoker, no dieases, hospitalization (aside from pregnancy), and no alcoholism....if this isn ot reasonable please give me a range that I should be looking for....""

Apply Unemployment Insurance california recently moved to NV?

I was a resident in california but recently moved to NV. i paid tax to CA in the last 5 years. will that be a problem if i use NV address ?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-much-cash-hand-needed-after-one-has-rent-utilities-beland-rajka"

[aesthetic-yehet]

I wish I never got an abortion..

Hey whoever reads this..

It may help you or someone else, you may even feel like this doesnt apply to you, but I just have to get it off my chest. I will go over my story and things girls in my previous situation really shouldn't do and what you should :)

My circumstances were at the time was, I was 16, had no qualifications, didnt have any type of job or type of income towards my name. I was dependant on my mother. I was also a very reckless person. Fucking whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted, doing things I shoudn't of. But on the other side of things I was very good academically and had a fairly good amount of friends.

Obviously I got pregnant...briefly after my 16th birthday..lol. I had a feeling I was pregnant 2 days before my period started, I told the guy and he was like dont say that, dont worry about it too much your period will come. Next thing you know, 2 weeks later my friend steals 3 pregnancy tests for me and they all come out positive.

So Im like fuuuuucckk on the inside, but on the outside I was extremely calm, it was a bit worrying to others. So I called my cousin after and I told her my situation. I feel like people would question why not tell my mum. Well one shes black, two shes come from an extremely strict Caribbean background, so they way she approaches situations is not really to my liking. (I would basically shit myself and I know I would get kicked out if I had any guts to tell her). My cousin and I then the two days after went to a hospital and finally confirmed I was pregnant. Funny fact: When I went to the hospital, well the clinic part of it, the "guy" was there, not like as if he knew it was just a coincidence that we ended sitting in the same waiting room.

I discussed with my cousin at first about what I was going to do. I was certain that I was going to keep the baby. I hated abortions with a passion. How hypocritical of me. I am against abortions but thats for me, that my personal opinion. It doesnt mean that I hate other people that do it, they can go ahead its none of my business. But for me it never really sat well, I didnt like the idea of it. And neither did my cousin. She said she was going to support me and help me get temporary accomadation if I was to get kicked out. I was going to research to continue onwards with further educations alongside having a child at a very young age. You know the whole dingle-bingle.

later that night, I called the "guy" and I told him straight up. And at first he was ok with it. He was like hes not going to force me to do anything and he left it at that. So I was a bit relieved that he said that instead of saying get rid of it. Considering the other reactions to similar situations, the boys I know, they'd straight up get theyre niggas and beat the girl to the pulp to kill the baby. And really and truly that "guy" was extremely capable of doing that but he chose not to.

So a few days pass and I'm really happy but worried at the same time. I had told certain friends, which led to my whole school knowing. One thing that shouldnt be done no matter hooooow big mouthed you are. Dont fucking trust anyone because...just no. So that really wasnt comfortable with me. People asking questions, it was very overwhelming. Plus at the same time dealing with my depression and anxiety, it just didnt add up well. Definitely one sitaution a pregnant women shouldnt go through.

So..later after school finished. Im at home and the guy calls pissed because everyone knew. And everyone could connect it back to him because we had a history. Like everyone had an idea that we was fucking. I feel like it was embarassing for him because he was in Year 13 and I was in Year 11. So then I was apologetic for opening my mouth to certain people that I had trusted. So he then continued onwards to saying "I think you should get the abortion." I was so gutted but I was also thinking about it. He proceeded to explain that he again wasnt forcing me but he was presenting me the situation on both sides of the spectrum. For both me and him. He explained that for me, It wouldve been hard to do my gcses because I wouldve been atleast 5 months, I would probably get kicked out, my life would come to a halt as I would need to take care of a baby, I wouldnt be able to pursue a career I wanted because of the huge responsibility. For him, the fact that he was from a muslim background wouldve make his family put him to shame once they found out and either way regardless if he didnt want to look after the baby he'd have to. I then told him that I dont need him. Considering my background of not really having a father figure I definitely felt like I could look after a baby on my own. He proceeded to say that he'd need to support me plus going to uni. But then again he said hes not going to force me. At this point if I was to put it into a percentage Abortion 5% / Keep the baby 95%

After that talk, talks with him got more frequent as he tried to persuade me to get an abortion. He told me bout single mothers at my age that are addicted to drugs and consdiering where we lived it wasnt a good area to bring up a baby. He told me about how he sees so much potential in me and that this situation would just stop it and distract me from becoming successful. And I completely understood where he was coming from. I wasnt going to be irrational and refuse to listen to his arguements. I then thought about it to myself and I just reached the decision that because he made more sense I would get the abortion. I mean how would I support myself and a child, provide food and shelter and continue in education. It all seemed impossible to me. But then there was me saying that because I put myself in that situation I must take responsibility and that god would never make me go through something I couldnt handle. So at the this moment the table have turned and I was now 100% abortion.

I told my cousin about my change in decision and she was extremely upset and told me that when I do decide to do it that she didnt want to be present. Which was completely understanding. So I told my sister and because she was in a similar situation to mine when she was 16, she was able to help me. Which is what I advise to any women that wants to get an abortion is to never go through with it alone, regardless if you think you're a heartless person, make sure someone is supporting you some how. I then told my mentor at school, and she was trying to tell me not to get it but I was certain that I was going to get. Another thing, telling a teacher figure, isnt a bad idea. It really should be a teacher or someone along those lines that you know you have a good relationship with or you know is a helpful person. I dont know how much I preached to my mentor not to tell anyone that would tell my mum. So she had to abide by that. I got through the whole process of getting an appointment to discuss what would happen. To making the appointment for the abortion. Organising who would go with me. And in the mean time I was going through complications at about 2 months. There was a chance that I was going through an abdominal pregnancy due to pains I was experiencing. Luckily that wasnt the case and I was just stressing way to much.

So before the day of the abortion, the guy and me talk and he sounded relieved that I was going to get the abortion. He said to me that he would even come with me, to the clinic so that I wouldnt go through it alone. I briefly felt happy about me decision because he was happy. (I hope you see what Im getting at).

I was out of most of my lessons, talking with my mentors, I really did take advantage of that but constantly talking to someone instead of me overthinking about it and getting even more depressed was really helpful. Dont get me wrong I had many of my close friends supporting me, regardless of my decisions.

So the day of the abortion, I go with my auntie, I get my test done for STDS. That was clear. I get a scan. This was the most offputting thing to see. I literally fucked up my brain. The lady printed out the picutre and I saw the baby. That was in my body, in a uterus. I felt some type of connection but I quickly tried to push it aside. I know now at that moment I shouldve walked out the door. But I stayed. So then my sister had to come because my aunty had to go somewhere and it finally came to the point of taking the pills.

I'm not a doctor so I dont know the names but the procedure was to insert three or four pills up the vagina and thats it. I did that procedure because I couldnt go through the vaccuming method, just no. So as soon as I left the clinic small pains were coming through. And the pain killers that I was given wasnt no paracetomol, it was codeine. So I knew that I was gonna go through a shit amount of pain. The method I went through was inducing a miscarrage. My sister put me on the train I could go back home and I sit and process what I had just done. I was around about 20 people trying not to cry but tears was just falling out my eyes. I wish I couldve gone back and not inserted those pills. Before I got to my stop I just thought to myself its done now just leave it now. So I get home now and I need to pee. And a gush a blood just came. And I was curious so I looked at the toilet and I saw the placenta. As if it was ripped out of me. So I processed it again, I was basically flushing my baby down the toilet. Like wtf right? At this point the pain was just unbearable. I couldnt even stand. I was sitting on the toilet for a good hour before I went to lay down in my bed.I didnt want to move but I had to pick up my niece. The walk to my nieces school from my house was about 5 minutes and I had to beg one of the parents at the club to drive me home and help me inside.

Quickly I took the pills and the pain calmed down. My mum thought I was going through a period. The school let me take off as much time as I wanted. Even though I was offered counselling I declined. I shouldve accepted but I felt like I needed to go through this alone. I only talked to the guy once after. I literally felt like I was in a box. I took about 3 weeks off school. Pain for me lasted about 1 week to 2 before my actual period started. So I was in and out of hospital because the pain normally supposed to last 4 days. Nothing was wrong with me so I felt like it was God punishing me with more pain. And that was it.

After that, I acted like it never happened. Tried to continue on with life but my life was just going downhill before my eyes.If youre wondering I passed my GCSES and got 6 A-C.That was literally the only positive. And to me my life is still going downhill at this moment. Briefly after healing up, I got exposed multiple times, with pictures, but I didnt pay any mind to it. I got raped, but I didnt realise I got raped till my closest friends were telling me that I had. I didnt see it as rape but considering the whole situation, it was. I felt like because I put myself in that situation It wasnt rape. I was getting therapy but I wasnt saying what I wanted to say because it was therapy with my mum. Our relationship had deteoriorated extremely. And thats not because she knew. She didnt until about 9 months later.I had met someone that made me the happiest person, despite our disputes, I was still happy. He made me feel important while I was in this downward spiral. And turns out we was both toxic. It ended terribly. I was willing to do unthinkable things just to get him back in my life and thats when I realised that I had reached my peak.

Right now even though it still seems to me that my life is going downhill, its not as steep. Im more happy, Im getting help. My mum knows more but not everything.Im happy with that. Im still bunking lessons, but its just when I feel extremely low. But it just occurred to me that right now well lets say today, if I had gone through a full term and given birth, my baby wouldve been 2 months old. And that really aches in my heart. I had recently found the picture of my scan again and it just really made me think. Why on earth did I get that abortion? And I thought hard about it. And I realised how my brain was working back then compared to now. I was trying to make the guy happy , I wasnt being selfish. In that situation , you have to be selfish, dont care bout nobody else but YOURSELF. But im my mind I wanted him to be happy about my decision, I didnt want to disappoint him, so I got the abortion. I think about it now and I wish I wouldve had my baby. If I was thinking like how I am right now, my baby wouldve been in my arms. And now I know that my mum wouldve helped me and I was wrong the whole time about my mum lashing out. I had this all bottled up inside of me and I have been getting these suicidal thoughts, but I been there and done that. Its not a route I want to revisit.

All I am stressing here. Is that regardless of your situation, You need to think real fucking hard before you decide to get an abortion. I know right now that I will regret this for the rest of my life. So I really dont want more girls to go through this. Think before you do anything.

First thing first is wrap it up for fuck sake!

If you dont wrap it up and get pregnant, THINK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE! THINK ABOUT YOURSELF FUCK EVERYONE ELSE!

If you dont believe in god then think to yourself. You can wake up everyday and you've experience your happiest and lowest days. You've seen single mothers or dads that look after their children and even though through the struggle they are still happy. You can handle it. Even if you dont think you can I dont know how to stress, regardless of the situation your in you can handle it. But if you think you cant then you need to have someone. Even if its someone online that you could talk to (be careful though) at least you have some sort of support. There are phone lines that allow you speak and they listen and advise you. We are in the fucking age where we can do that. We are so advantaged!

Please think before you get an abortion because the last thing you want to come to mind and eventually come out of your mouth is

"I wish I never got an abortion"

Sorry this is so long.. If anyone needs advice on literally anything, doesnt need to be about abortions, just slide im dms.. Sharing will help aswell so more people can see and advise others. A post can do so much. But I can do so little and just share my story and hope that hopefully Im helping someone who thinks that theyre by themselves.

[survivorindia]

Creepy random asshole who appears randomly at the beginning and then disappears. - Kendall (Episode 12)

https://youtu.be/cN6UaKTHxUA Ok heres what I want everyone to know. IM THE MOST PARANOID PERSON IN THE FUCKING WORLD. AND I CAN READ PEOPLE VERY WELL. AND I THINK I HAVE GONE MENTALLY INSANE BUT AT THE SAME TIME I FEEL FUCKING AMAZING! If yall think that I am going to go home 9TH! place! NINTH FUCKING PLACE by the hands of the seasons biggest buffoons than yall dont know me very well HUH. Lexi g, kendall and I made an alliance chat today and it sat so good with me. I was like omg yas we finally have someone (Kendall and I) We finally do! ... Then I got the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach and it was just something that did not sit right. I couldnt put my finger on it. I knew robin and alexis were voting me tn, and people have been after me hard core...since...well...before merge and the fact that Im sitting here in single digits is fucking surreal. Im probably going home soon.....SO WOULDNT IT MAKE SENSE FOR SOME ONE TO FLIP!? WOULDNT IT? I MEAN. IF I WAS IN ANYONE ELSES SHOES. I would make sure as FUCK to get me out. This is not cocky but like....im still here after how many fucking attempts? Which is why I think ash and lexi g are voting me out..OR GOING AGAINST me so thats both lexis, robin and ashley But lets look at the facts of why I think theyre going against me No one talks to me all day, except for alex and kendall. Interesting. Lexi G, plays lost puppy like no one cared about her in her alliance. Interesting. Ashley is being short with me. HM. Go on call with Lexi G, feel like abosoLUTE SHIT AND I KNOW SHES LYING TO ME, Lexi mentions ashley on call but backtracks and im like..........................oh my fucking god. !!! THEN HERE COMES THE STORM: I tell kendall ashley is voting me out, they make a chat, i tell kendall to add lexi g, this is secretly a test to see if my suspicions are true AND 5 MINS AFTER THE CHAT IS MADE ASHLEY ASKS ME WHY I THINK IM VOTING HER OUT LOLOLOLOLOLOLO FUCK OFF\ [6:17:53 PM] Sarah: ashley [6:17:57 PM] Sarah: can u just be honest [6:17:58 PM] Sarah: with me [6:17:59 PM] Sarah: like [6:18:01 PM] Sarah: legit [6:18:04 PM] Sarah: idc that ur voting me [6:18:07 PM] Sarah: but like [6:18:12 PM] Ashley Hudson: I am not voting you. [6:18:13 PM] Sarah: ive been NOTHING but straight up [6:18:17 PM] Sarah: like IT WOULD MAKE SENSE [6:18:25 PM] Sarah: I would do it if I were u [6:18:31 PM] Ashley Hudson: it wouldn't make sense I THINK IVE GONE INSANE BUT LIKE I HAVE A GUT FEELING I JUSY KNOW AND I HOPE ITS RIGHT OTHERWISE ASHLEYS GONNA HATE MEEEEE Ashley: you have been like my #1 this whole time why would I throw that away me thinking: YOU LITERALLY GOT "WHO DO U FORGET IS STILL PLAYING THIS GAME" IN TOUCHY SUBJECTS OF FUCKING COURSE YOU WANT TO MAKE A BIG MOVE IDC IF I GO HOME BY ROCKS IDFC BUT LIKE WHY DO THESE BITCHES THINL IM FUCKIJG STUPID IVE BEEN SAYING THIS ALL GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 NOW FOR THE HOME LANDING: Ashley: you have been like my #1 this whole time why would I throw that away you are the one that is aligned with Kendall, and I guess want Lexi G in on that? that's cool. #CONFIRMED LEXI G AND ASHLEY FLIPPED CONFIRMED AHDHDOIFHJSDOI;FKJSDF WHY WOULD ASHLEY KNOW ABOUT THAT OTHER THAN LEXI G FUCK OFF WERE GOING TO ROCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKS! SEE U ON THE OTHERSIDE BITCHES

The detailed account of my evil plan of which I shown to the Samantha that I had purchased-

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FC9bUbYixYpVNdOA6LwrnUhXryI4Bo3tnWLVqB4RgMY/edit

You know, I think I finally get it. I think I finally understand Sarah, Jordan, and even Gavin. Allow me to elaborate. Unless you have been drunk for this entire season, it is well known fact that we were surrounded by Pathological Liars. I'm not saying that to be a judgmental asshat, I came to this conclusion via unbiased observation. Jaiden.... Dom.... Ruben.... What do all these people have in common? If you said they had a dick, yes but that's not the point I'm trying to make. At one point or another someone on my side tried to reach out to them and be all like "Hey let's work together because no one would suspect it," Jaiden/Dom/Ruben would agree and not even five minutes after they make the vow, they would go out of their way to get those three out. Whether they expose them, give them false information, or just talk shit; these guys would always take advantage of the trust they were given and go out of their way to make a messy as fuck tribal. And after everything has gone to shit what do they do? They come crawling back like their battered wives and be like "Hey let's work together". And the same shit keeps happening over and over again. Until they get voted out. I almost fell into that cycle in the case of Robin but luckily my personality, which is one of a vengeful emotionally stunted woman child, prevented it from happening after she revealed me to Gavin. But I think I'm about to fall into it again... though this time with Lexi L. Lexi L. is a fascinating individual, without Gavin around, she appears to be a more rational and calculating kind of player. Given the right tools, I think she could make some sort of impact on the game. Plus her sense of humor is amazing! I really really want to keep her around and not just because I have a death wish or because I am bored. I think she could be a useful tool for my quest for world domination.... well game domination... If I learned anything from ORGs, this one in particular, it's that the truth doesn't really matter. Everyone has already crafted their own stories in their head, one's where they are the super heroes or the super villains, maybe even the damsel in distress. Even if the truth is shown right in their face, people refuse to accept it, instead finding refuge in their earlier perceptions. I think that's why the whole edgic thing is so popular, it falls in line with this kind of thinking. The story I want to "create" is an underdog story. One where the villain is Lexi L and the reluctant hero is myself. Lexi L takes out everyone I am aligned with, everyone who is considered a threat, and then at the final 4 or maybe the final 5, I behead the dragon. I promise I am not doing this to fuel my own ego nor do I have any real delusions of grandeur. I know and accept the fact that I'm not some messiah archetype, hell I'm not even the satan archetype. I'm more like the creepy random asshole who appears randomly at the beginning and then just sort of disappears. The thing is, they don't know that. All I need to do is to make them think the opposite of that fact. Plus if I do that Sarah, Alex and Gavin won't hate me forever! Which would be great because I like all of them very much and don't think I'll be able to handle their hatred. Now that I think about it, they'll probably hate forever after reading this..... Why am I putting this down in the confessionals again? Oh right because I went this entire season without gloating about some evil plan and it's starting to feel very weird. I think I want to work with Lexi L to make this happen. I want us to craft a story in which the hero and villain fight to the death... but I'm probably going to leave that part out if I ever pitch it to her. On paper this sounds like a good idea but only if you didn't read my first couple paragraphs... I have no sure way to control her. What I am I supposed to do rely on her benevolence and friendship? That is a terrible incentive for loyalty, I mean look at right now, I am literally plotting to destroy my own alliance. And the only thing that is supposed to stop me is the power of 'friendship' or 'showmance' or whatever... Clearly this isn't working! All it's doing is making me feel mildly guilty and paranoid. Another thing that's stopping me is the past. If one goes through my previous confessionals from previous games, you'll see they all have one thing in common. Well two things if you count the idol fucking... Every time I tried to flip or make a #bigmood, bad things follow. Don't believe me? Malaysia: Tried to help Mitchell, got voted out by everyone and their mothers. Rebels versus Rogues: Tried to help out Simon, got idol out. Technotits: Tried to help out little AJ, ended up voted out unanimously... again! I may be dumb enough to fall for the same thing three times in a row but not a forth! I mean, I think. Cause I already gave Lexi L. the map we've been using to find the vote negator, places we looked included. For all I know, she already showed it to Gavin, Alex, Ashley, and Liam. I'm not as concerned with Sarah cause I already told her but I'm not sure if one vote will make much of a difference. I don't want Lexi L. to be my Jaiden or Dom or Ruben, all that will really do is hinder me. But I want to do this plan so badly! If it seems like I wasted your time with a pointless subplot, chances are I have and I am almost sorry. I swear it's like nobody can make a decision on their own! Like it takes ten billion years for anything to get done! LIKE UGGGHHHHHHHHHH Also I think we found out what the opal idol does. And it's from Hellwaii so we hate it based on instinct.  Also now Sarah actually wants to vote out Gavin and I don't know how I feel about that...  I mean I can save her probably but should I? Because I don't think it's in my best interest to cheat a group of people who have my back over a group of complete strangers who don't.  On the other hand if I just be a good little puppy and tattle on her and save everyone, would it make a difference? I'll just be following the same path I have been trying to escape...  I know I know this is almost exactly what I asked for but I need the option to go back if things get to heavy. I adore Sarah but I shouldn't drop everything just because she asks me too.... The Gavin's plan was to have 4 vote for Lexi and 3 vote for Robin. Sarah is one of the Lexi votes so if I could convince her to flip and make it a  three three three vote (Lexi, Robin, Gavin) then we can flip with other Lexi and nobody will know it was us... Oh wait now it turns out that they want her out. Again, what did she do to piss these people off? I should probably stop editing in real time and actually submit this damn thing 

Well everything has gone to hell. I'm pretty sure Sarah has gone insane, she keeps saying that Ashley and Lexi G. are trying to get her out but refuses to explain why. She said it was a gut feeling and I guess, despite how psychotic she may sound, she could be right. Ashley isn't exactly close with any of us and was pretty crestfallen that she was picked out as most forgettable in touchy subjects. So her flipping would make sense. Lexi G is... well she has been going on and on with the woe is me crap and I almost bought into it. Fuck I actually did buy into it for like the past week and a half. There is just something off about her... like even someone like me could sense it. Right after Sarah told Lexi G that she was flipping the vote to Robin, the news started to get upset in the main chat. And honestly, I don't begrudge them for it. I mean, it seems like every time something would go their way something else would go in and stop them. They swap fuck Sarah and Ashley, we send them idols, Jaiden finds an idol, the hosts blurt it out in the VL, They finally get someone to flip to their side, SARAH GOES APE SHIT INSANE. If stuff like this happened to me on a day to day basis I would probably have a similar reaction. Hell I did have a similar reaction in Malaysia, though I was more mopey and passive aggressive. Also some chick named Julia (I think it's the magical one but I'm not really sure?) might be harassing Lexi L. And the hosts are allegedly talking shit about the contestants, the newbies in particular, and that's kind of messed up. Lexi L seems to be on the verge of quitting or she is just playing it up for our pity, at this point I really don't know. Like I want to empathize with her and the other contestants but I don't honestly know whether or not I should. Like sometimes it seems like there is layer after layer beneath them and every time I think I find a genuine emotion of some kind it turns out to be a lie. Like this shit happened all the time in High School, I don't exactly want to relive it in here. I know this differs from my usual calculating yet spacey confessionals about conspiracy theories or how weak I am but this is supposed to be fun, not just for me and my allies but for everyone around us. We should be enjoying coming up with strategies and trying to fight each other. We should be talking and having fun but we aren't... everyone seems to genuinely hate each other. And any reach across the aisle is seen as some sort of threat. I liked being friends with Robin, I liked talking to Lexi L about the 100 and other things, fuck I even liked talking to Jaiden and his day to day life. I didn't want to betray them or be mean to them, even when I talked shit in confessionals I mostly did it for my own amusement. Yeah things are going well but I can't help but feel like this is undeserved. Like power came at the cost of everyone else's enjoyment. It's like the final battle with Master Hand in Super Smash Bros Brawl. You go through all these stages against the master hand, from beginning stages to the end but then... he just turns into an orb. He doesn't fight back, he doesn't do anything he just lies there waiting to be defeated. If this is all just an elaborate ploy to get us to lower our guards then seriously fuck you. I hate it when my emotions over power my brain and if you guys did it on purpose that is a new fucking low. It's not smart it's not clever it's just unnecessary cruelty and I hate you for it. But if it's the truth... then I'm sorry.

Well Sarah decided to play her Ruby Idol... I am probably fucked... Well if I go home know that I am not going to stop spamming the confessional because fuck you that's why.

Well Sarah decided to play her Ruby Idol... I am probably fucked... Well if I go home know that I am not going to stop spamming the confessional because fuck you that's why. Well, Haven't made on of these in a while. Oops. So the game is going okay, Sarah and I are working together pretty closely. Though she usually lives up to her villain title so I will forever be on guard with her. Gavin and I are still okay I guess, I think he might be getting closer to the other "side" or he just is getting closer to Alex, who knows. Pretty much our group is me, Sarah, Gavin, and Alex, from what I can see right now. We haven't talked much in that chat because we are still working with the bigger group but as number dwindle I can see us talking much more in our alliance chat. I am not too salty about Jordan leaving (A while ago, I know) but I do miss his strategic ways. We just did touchy subjects, and I didn't receive the answers that I usually get, which is cool because I am trying to play this game a bit different than I usually do. In fact, I got the "who do you forget is playing?" Majority vote. Yeah, that would be because I am doing shit behind y'all's back, duh. I think by the end of this game, my stance as a "hero" will not quite be true anymore and I am excited. Should be interesting.

Alright, so I found the negator that my whole alliance has been looking for. But tbh I ain't going to tell them because it could come in handy for my game later. I don't want the game to end up being just my alliance and have my ass end up on the bottom unable to do anything so hopefully to shake things up later I can keep that I have the negator under wraps. Maybe they will "forget" I am even a person that could have it. ;)