#i recently watched love Simon and it made me think about a lot of past things

[thexsilentxwordsmith]

I'll Crawl Home To Her

Simon "Ghost" Riley x Fem!reader

Summary: Simon is away on a mission and you are on his mind. Having to extend his stay, he is going to miss Valentine's day, but coming across a recent trend on TikTok, he may have a way to say just how much you mean to him.

***So, this came from the TikTok trend I came across of military guys posting pics of their girlfriends/wives/fiancees/etc. to the song Work Song by Hozier and I wanted Simon to do it too for you. So here it is! Just a little something extra***

***Pictures are made by me***

Simon can’t sleep, again. 

It’s been a while that his team has been in the field on their current mission and though he knows he should focus on the task at hand, there is so much on his mind tonight. Even though he is tired, he cannot seem to get himself to drift off. There is something missing, or more like someone, that he wishes to be beside right now and that is you.

He feels guilty about still being gone as he should be in by now, just in time for Valentine's day, but that isn’t happening anymore. Things on this latest mission are taking longer than expected and instead of packing up to come home to you, he had to have that hard phone call to tell you that he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. In that call he heard it there in your voice: that twinge of sadness that you always try to mask through hopeful and kind words, holding back the crackle in your voice as you choke back the tears in hopes that he won't hear it, but he does. He always does.

As much as he loves his job he is ready to be back with you again and hearing that does not make it any easier. 

The dark surrounds him as Simon lays in his cot, trying to numb his mind with his phone propped up in his hand, hopeful that with enough distraction sleep will eventually take him. He knows there is no better way to keep his mind from wandering back to those things he cannot change than by idly watching short content videos and he knows just where to go for that. He clicks on the TikTok app and begins to watch. 

Scrolling through the drivel and waste, past people spewing their nonsense, a video comes across his feed that instantly brings you right back to the forefront of his thoughts. The first slide is a picture of a young man in his fatigues and tactical gear smiling at the camera. He is clearly in the field on active duty and there is text across him that repeats the lyrics of the song playing. His picture is followed by a slide with what Simon assumes is his wife with the next bit of lyrics over her. It looks like a new trend amongst military personnel on the app, a tribute to the ones they are going to come home to in the future: children, pets, significant others, family. 

The song tugs at his heartstrings from the moment it begins; it's one he hasn't heard before, but the lyrics make his heart ache and his arms feel so incredibly empty without the weight of your body filling them as the singer speaks about how even in death they would find their way home to the one they love.

And fuck if that isn't something he thinks about a lot. 

It is a burden of this type of job, leaving all part of his heart behind back home every time he has to go out. He knows this lifestyle isn’t easy on either of you, that even though you’ve been together for a couple years now, having him constantly be pulled across the world and away from you still has a certain bite to it. Yet with all that stacked against your relationship, not once have you ever been anything other than supportive. Standing beside him through it all, constantly choosing to give him your heart no matter how hard this gets, loving him through the all the shit that gets thrown his way; if there is anyone his soul would seek out even in death, it would be you. 

He clicks on the sound at the bottom of the screen with a lump welling in his throat and starts to watch more videos of the same. One video turns into two and then three and now his heart is aching something fierce, like a physical burning in the center of his hardened chest that he tries to rub away with his hand, but he knows it's not going to go until he's near you again.

This longing is worse than it has ever been before. He misses your touch, all that soft, warm skin under his hardened hands; he misses your laugh, that sweet sound that can make the sunshine come out even on a rainy day; he yearns for your mouth, those full lips that he can lose himself in. It's almost too much to bear being away from you at that moment.

Simon was never one for big displays of sentimentality. No one ever seemed worth breaking down those walls that he had built up to allow himself to be vulnerable in such a public way like that. It never seemed worth the sacrifice. And for a long time, no matter who he met, that was true…until you.

You broke the mold when you came into his life. Now his heart can't help but burst at the seams whenever you pop into his head. He could be a thousand miles away from you, stuck in some hot, miserable shithole in the middle of nowhere, like he is right now, and yet the moment he thinks of you it doesn't seem quite so bad. 

Because he knows there is a piece of heaven waiting for him, something wonderful that is all his that the struggle of his other life will not touch, not if he has anything to do with it.

Simon may have to miss being there on the day when people show their loved ones how much they care, but that doesn’t mean he can do nothing. As the videos continue to play, he gets an idea, one that will hopefully show you just how much he really does care. 

As much as you go on the app, he is sure you have seen a video or two like this come across your scrolling. You have probably sat there and watched just as he did, thinking about him being so far away, missing him something terrible. Maybe you would like to see him make a video like that for you. Either way, this is something he wants to do, needs to do.

Simon has no pictures of just himself on his phone, none without you in them, and so that’s his first order if he wants to do this right. He tries to do the easy thing the next day and take a selfie, but he can’t get one that looks good enough for him to keep. The more he takes, the worse he thinks they look and that means he is going to have to get help whether he wants to or not, otherwise he is going to back out of doing this and he’s not going to let that happen. 

This is for you after all, he needs it to be perfect. You deserve that.

He decides his best bet is wrangling Soap into doing this for him; at least he is the most comfortable asking the sergeant. “Johnny, I need ya to do somethin’ for me,” Simon says as the team stands around awaiting transport into the designated location. “Don’t ask any fuckin’ questions, but I need ya to take a picture a me real quick.”

“Wanna do a beauty shoot here, L.T.? Seems a bit of a strange location,” Johnny jokes as Simon pulls out his phone from his pocket and shoves it into the sergeant’s open hand. Johnny watches him for a moment, taking a guess at what this is all really about. “Or is it for yer lass back home? Gonna send her somethin’ nice?”

Shaking his head, Simon laughs sarcastically. “Just take the damn picture, yeah? An’ make it look good. I want it ta look natural.”

This isn’t something the masked officer has much experience in and so posing is out; he instead goes for something where it looks like he is caught unaware that he’s being photographed. He’s looking off in the distance, his hand wrapped around his gun so they don’t just hang awkwardly at his side. Johnny quickly snaps the pic and hands the phone back to Simon to check. 

“That’ll do,” he says under his breath, satisfied enough with how it looks.

That night as he lays down for bed, he quickly pieces the video together: first his photo and then he needs one of you. He opens his camera roll and it is absurd how many different ones he has saved. There are so many to choose from that he has a hard time picking the perfect one, but settles on something recent. 

It’s one of you in the bathroom of your apartment, all cozy in the striped jumper he got you for your birthday. Your hair is pulled down out of the bun you keep it in for work, a bit messy from just getting in after you got off. Never has he seen someone more beautiful in such a simple state; you always could look like a dream without even trying. And even through your exhaustion you still give the camera and him the biggest, brightest smile. 

Yeah, it has to be this one. This is the beauty he does all this for.

Luckily it is a rather simple video to put together, he doesn’t have too much trouble getting it to look exactly like the others. He has to watch and rewatch it several times just to be sure he is happy with the product before he hits upload to his followers only. Being that you are the only person that follows him, that is exactly what he wants; he may have to be a bit secretive for work, but that doesn’t mean he can’t try and give you some normalcy.

To him you deserve the world and fuck if he isn’t going to try and give it to you.

He presses the button, the uploading dial in the upper hand corner spinning until it reaches 100%, and waits to see if you get it, hoping that it has the effect he wants in saying all he needs to for you to know how special you are to him.

Across the country, your phone buzzes with a random notification as you lay in bed. It's from Simon's account on TikTok saying he's made a new post. You can’t help how strange you think it is… He never posts anything on his account because he really only made one for you to send him stupid videos to watch whenever he needs to unwind and so it takes you by surprise to see that he has posted something. Opening the app curiously you go straight to check out what it is.

You are not prepared for the emotion that hits you the moment the video starts to play. It’s one of those military posts you have come across a couple of times while scrolling late at night, the ones that you have to quickly scroll past or risk crying at how sweet they are and how much they make you miss Simon. Now the heartfelt Hozier song is blasting through the speakers and it is for you.  

The sentiment behind the lyrics of the song mixed with the picture of him on his latest mission is almost too much. And of course he has picked the picture of you looking all natural, it’s like he can’t get enough of you when you don’t even try at all. You know better than anyone how Simon despises having his picture taken if it isn’t with you, so this a huge sign of just how deeply he cares. Instantly there is a stinging around the rims of your eyes as your vision shimmers. You let the video replay several times as the stray tears are let loose and stream heavily down your face.

Simon did this all for you.

Quickly you pull up your texting app and send him a message, hoping he’s still up to at least answer. You have to rub your eyes with the back of your hand to see the screen, but you type out your message as best you can.

I want you to know I'm crying right now because of you. Is that what you wanted? Make me something that has me crying?

A few minutes pass before your phone buzzes with a text from him, just as you finish wiping away more of the tears collecting on your cheeks. 

Guess you saw the video, yeah? I hope I did it right, sweetheart. Cause I fucking mean it.

You chuckle, swallowing down the lump of feelings that have lodged themselves in your throat, struggling not to start sobbing at how his sweet affection. Of all the things that could be said about Simon Riley, one that could never was that he didn't try his hardest when it came to loving you.

The emotion makes your hands quiver, but you text him back.

It is perfect, Simon. I love it. Really, you did so good.

Simon smiles to himself, glad that your deep connection allows him to share things like this with you. There is no one else that can see him like this, that he can allow his guard down around, and it feels nice to be this tender for the first time in his life. He truly feels as if he can be vulnerable, let himself love with his whole heart, and it is all because of you.

Maybe I'm going soft, but I wanted you to know that I am missing you like mad and that I hate I’m not there with you right now. Fuck, it's getting hard. Can't wait till you're back in my arms again, darling.

You close your eyes and press your lips to the screen as if he can feel your kiss through the screen.

Love you.

Not even a minute passes and the phone vibrates.

Love you too, my beautiful girl. I promise I'll be home soon.

[bejeweledblondie]

Hello! God, I recently found your blog and I love it!!! I'm also a big Taylor fan and I've had this idea in mind! You are free to do it [or not do it] and modify it!

Based on *All too Well*

I was thinking of one of these guys

Jonh Price / Köing/ Ghost/ Philip Graves

"You kept me like a secret and I kept it like an oath"

"But you keep my old scarf from that very first week' Cause it reminds you of innocence And it smells like me"

And maybe we got lost in translationMaybe I asked for too much"

I love the song and I can't stop thinking about them!!!

-🌙

Hello! So happy you’re enjoying the blog! No joke I had this sitting in my drafts debating on whether or not to post it! I lost my voice last Friday SCREAMING “All Too Well” in the theater. Even if you’re not a swiftie it’s just a lyrical masterpiece

All to Well 🧣

Captain John Price x F! Reader

Summary: Based on the ten minute version of All Too Well, John has to face what he had done to his beloved red scarf & all

Warnings: cheating, John being a dick, the usual

“And maybe we got lost in translation maybe I asked for too much, maybe this thing was a master piece before you tore it all up”

Heels in hand Y/N sat on the steps of the hotel where the military ball she was attending with John was being held. She was sobbing her eyes out into her hands. While trying to figure out where he wandered off to, she stumbled across him & his secretary having sex in a bathroom stall. He had told her not to worry about her, but her intuition told her otherwise. These past few months had been excruciatingly difficult. He spent his time home out late, leave her to sit by the front door waiting for him to return. Shallow excuses coming from him over the phone had made her cry herself to sleep one too many times. The sickening smell of his secretary’s perfume lingered on him when he’d come home, & yet he gaslighted her into believing otherwise.

She stood up as she saw the Uber she had called for pull up in front of the hotel. John was adjusting his dress uniform bow tie while running towards the doors to intercept her. Other officers looked at him confused as he sped past them. His secretary Camille wasn’t too far behind him calling his name. Y/N turned her head back when she heard him calling her name. With haste she closed the door to the Uber & ordered the driver to speed away. John was left standing on the sidewalk watching her go. He let out an annoyed sigh & turned around to see his team at the doors. Laswell looking so disappointed in him, & what he had done.

It had been months since Y/N moved out. Contrary to the rumors, Camille didn’t move in with the Captain. She was swiftly fired from her position, & was forced out of the contracting community. Laswell made sure of that. No, John was forced to live with the ghosts of his past lover. Just last week he found the red scarf that she adored hidden in a couch cushion. He inhaled the scent of the red wool trying to remember what her perfume smelled like.

Kyle was deeply concerned for his superiors mental health ever since he ended his relationship so they decided to go to the local pub. After a quick shower & shave he got dressed. He grabbed his jacket off of the rack. The red wool scarf hung beside it taunting him of his mistake. He grabbed it & put it on before leaving. Simon greeted him at the door & they all got a round then headed back to a table in the back corner. He was starting to feel himself go back to happy self before he ended things with Y/N. That was until she walked in with a couple of friends.

They locked eyes, & there was shift in the air. It felt tense. Simon picked it up on the body language shift in his Captain. He followed John’s gaze & sighed as soon as his spotted her. She looked equally as emotionally distressed.

“Talk to her,” Simon said. “You look absolutely fucking miserable Price, & you two have a lot to fix.” Price looked at Simon knowing he was right, this was his mistake he needed to fix. He reluctantly stood up & wiped his hands on his jeans. Her friend Este, stopped mid sentence to glare at the bearded man. She turned around knowing it was coming sooner rather then later.

“Let’s get this over with.” She sighed following him out to the street. You both sat on a bench only a few shops down from the pub. John had planned thousands of things to say to you but now he was speechless.

“What do you want John?” She asked looking at him. “Did we get lost in translation, did I ask for too much?” She spat. Embarrassment & shame turned his cheeks crimson red.

“I wanted to talk.” He simply stated. “I was a fucking selfish prick.”

“I’ll say.” You scoffed. “I swear all you men have the fucking audacity I swear.”

“I don’t disagree.” He replied in agreement. “Listen, I’m in a new hell Y/N.”

“You don’t think I am?” She cried out. “What we had was a masterpiece John before you tore it all up.”

“And I was a fucking idiot.” John said.

“You told me if we had been closer in age, maybe we would’ve been fine.” She stated. “God I still do love you dearly, John. But how can I make sure you won’t break me like a promise?” He took the red wool that lingered of her vanilla fragrance & placed it around her neck.

“Because instead of mailing your things to you, I kept a whole drawer of memories you left behind hoping you’d return to me. You’re the only real thing I’ve ever known.” He replied honestly. She was taken a back he kept even the littlest things she left, from hair pins to the red scarf. Anything to still have a piece of her. He placed a hand on her now flushed cheek. The bitter cold London air started to nip at their exposed skin. Little flecks of white glistened as it started to fall from the sky. The first snow of the winter season. He grabbed her waist & pulled her in for a deep kiss. After they both pulled away they sat in the moment to remember it all too well.

[syrupspinner]

steam next fest 3 the finale maybe

i have recently become much less confident that nextfest is all one word, also

yeah, its missing some pizzaz, like music and sfx work, but the devs are pretty open about it being early so ill look past it. the gimmick itsself is fun! its simple and straightforward in a good way, and i like how it iterates on runs. the good items taking up more physical space and getting burried in your deck is a really good expression of balance. good little roguelike! wishlisted and played for way longer than i thought i would

straight up couldnt get this one to work. no buttons or keys do shit. i unplugged my controller, relaunched it, a bunch of stuff, still stuck on the first screen. shame, i was really looking forward to giving it a shot

this is a good demo! it does a good job at presenting the game and letting you know what its all about. i got the basics really solidly, and i see how the additional environments would iterate on the core gameplay loop. i dont think this ones for me, it seems a bit too sandboxy and score-based for me, but i recognize that this is a well made game and i think itll be really enjoyable for its target audience. check it out if you like simulator/management things, or if you want to try the genre out!

okay, just finished the tutorial, and im kinda split. first, the action feels great and the movement it stellar but yeesh this controller binding is messing me up. it only feels comfortable for me to keep one finder on the front of the controller, and i switch between the bumpers and the triggers with just my index. literally the only games that arent comparable with this approach, by expecting you to use bumpers AND triggers simultaneously, is this and hotline miami 2. the worst part is, i only figured out how weird this feels by the second-to-last tutorial, so i gotta redo all of it with kbm. after that, the game felt a lot more reasonable to get my fingers around (i probably wouldve switched spacebar and shift if i played longer), and i can confirm that the controller layout is my only obstacle to this kick-ass game. i will say that i wasnt expecting it to be a survival game? i thought itd be kind of a roguelike progression-through-a-dungeon thing, but its more about staying in a small space and defending. i already had this one wishlisted, and im glad i know what to expect now, this seems like itll be an interesting "kill 20 minutes before bed" game (in a good way! i love those)

right away, this feels like its to scotland what kisima innitchuna is to alaskan first nations. only its all stop motion and the entire ost sounds like a simon & garfunkle open house. maybe this comparison is stupid, the point is that this is awesome and you need to play it now. it may look like you get what the games about when you look at it, but it feels different to control. i dunno how to explain it, the artstyle makes the controls feel... different in a neutral way? please just try it, words fail me. this may very well be a once-in-a-lifetime game

game froze midway through the opening. man, bad luck today. it gotr working in the end, and MAN does this make me feel like a game reviewer. the game isnt hard per se, i can beat all the levels pretty easily, but the game asks you to be pretty damn talented if you want those a ranks. replay the level, route the best way to kill everyone as efficiently as possible. by the end youre gonna feel like harding. i feel like the full games gonna be a bit to tough for my blood, but im gonna have a stellar time watching the action from the sidelines. catch this at GDQ 2026

yeah i uh. went back to play more. damn this is more fun than i thought itd be, this is a good ass roguelike

before you read on, let it be known that this is objectively one of the best made and well put-together games ive tried this entire festival and all of my gripes with it are from personal preference. trying this game has led me to understand what people enjoy about punch-out (its clear inspiration) better than any 15 minute video essay could: its a puzzle game that relies on twitch reflexes and trial-and-error. its your job as a player to be attentive to the bosses's minute difference of animation to tell you exactly how to dodge and exactly when to strike. thats a great game! i feel genuinely remiss that i dont like trial and error and split-second weaknesses, or else i wouldve enjoyed this game way more. if youre on the fence about it, please give it an honesty try, this game knows exactly what to be and how to be it. the animation is great, both from the perspective of telegraphing attacks and just looking fantastic, the games vibe and personality is choice, and the gameplay itself is tight as hell. please just give it a shot

i guess thats the beauty of a demo, huh? it lets you figure out if youre gonna like a game before you commit to it. i hope if you take anything away from this 3-part... idk what youd call it, i kinda just gave my opinion about shit. look, im trying to tell you to try these games out yourself, hopefully this helped you figure out what is and isnt worth trying according to your own personal taste. and if youre not sure, give it a try anyway. demos are free, yknow

[reviews-22]

#Blog 2

Welcome everyone back to my blog. Where we discuss past, present, and future films and TV. On today’s episode I will be discussing a movie that has become a hot topic due to its major support and backlash. I will give you a couple of clues and you can try to guess what upcoming movie about which I am talking. I thought of todays topic based on the way I am currently wearing my hair. I recently decided to try something new with my hair. I wanted to do a completely different style and color. Since I have never worn color in my hair, I wanted to try something different but natural, so I chose a reddish copper color. I also wanted to try a new style, something pretty, low maintenance, and natural so I decided on faux locs. Have you guessed what movie I am talking about yet? Final clue, a lot of people have been saying that I look like a new live action Disney princess. That is right today I will be discussing The Little Mermaid. Since the release of the trailer The Little Mermaid has received a lot of positive and negative attention for one main reason. The princess Ariel will be played by Halle Bailey or in other words a Black woman with locs. I will be honest when I first heard Ariel would be played by a Black woman, I was a little upset. Not because I think the little mermaid should be white or any other racist reason. Simply because I am tired of big films companies remaking films and making the main character black or apart of the LGBTQ+ so it will be considered more diverse and inclusive. I was and still am tired of constantly seeing remakes be done in a way that makes old popular shows more socially acceptable. For example, Gossip Girl was a popular show from 2007-2012.But the main cast was all white and straight characters. Therefore, when they remade the show, they added Black characters and characters withing the LGBTQ+ spectrum. I personally would like to see fresh and new movies and shows created that promote diversity. For example, to all the boys I ever loved before, Love Simon, and Insecure.

                Coming back to the topic of the day I was a little upset that the little mermaid was casted as a Black woman. But once the trailer came out, I must admit seeing it gave me chills and I cannot explain why it just did. Furthermore, seeing all the videos of people reactions especially little Black girls made my heart swell. I had a Black princess to look up to when I was a child. It was Rodger and Hammerstein’s Cinderella played by Brandy with Whitney Houston as the fairy godmother. That was an iconic movie, and I do not know a single Black girl my age who does not know and love that movie. I still watch it and listen to the soundtrack. If I am being honest, I am listening to the soundtrack right now. My point is movies like this have a huge cultural impact and it really is important for little girls to see someone who looks like them on the screen. Now concerning the backlash, I am genuinely confused why so many people would be so upset that a Black woman plays her. The person playing her, Hailey Bailey has never been in any major controversial or inappropriate material. Furthermore, her voice is beautiful and more than capable of playing an excellent version of Ariel. The main argument against her playing Ariel is that a fictional mermaid should not be black. On social media some trending hashtags have been #notmyariel. YouTube had to hide their dislike counter on the original video after it was littered with negative comments and received 1.5 million dislikes. They even went so far to replace Hailey Bailey in the teaser with a white woman. Some popular claims against the movie were The Little Mermaid is a Danish story so Ariel should be white. A similar claim is mermaids are a European mythical creature and so they should be white. The most popular claim that I have personally heard is because mermaids live under the sea its impossible for their skin to be dark because the sun would not be able to reach her skin. A simple rebuttal to that is if that is the case should all people on earth be dark skin since we all have the sun shinning on us every day? With all the progress I have seen growing up I never thought I would see so much hate about a children’s movie. It is a shocking reminder that there are still a lot of people in the world that do not feel Black people are equal to white people. Its fine for us to have a Black princess like Tiana in Princess in the frog. Just not in a movie where the princess is traditionally white. Furthermore, it is scary to think that the world still has a lot of people who believe in a form of segregation. Sometimes it makes me feel movies like Get Out are not that far off. I personally will be going to see and support The Little Mermaid when it comes out in theatres, and I will be wearing my red faux locs. And I hope that all of you will do the same.

Thank you for watching and until next time toodalo!

[yongjae37]

[Poem] On Queerness and all that follows

I thought. Coming out the closet meant I had to do it only once. I thought it would end at acceptance but queerness grows on you the way the fat grows around your waist.

I hide it in formless t shirts and oversized jackets with pockets stuffed with 500 things. In sketchers sneakers that I’ve worn since middle school and In large thick jeans that hide the size of my thighs.

It doesn’t matter, really, whether my friends know or not. Or if my friends care or not. There’s a voice that judges and scrutinizes and nags how I really should’ve washed my face that night. and I wonder. Is love something I really want inside?

It’s something that most days I can’t find myself to care. Or remember or know. I’m too busy being worried about my grades, my sleep, my work. But it whispers sometimes. Would they still like me, if I don’t wear a t shirt in size small? That my shoes give me a two inch boost or that I pick my ears all the time?

I know a few of my friends are queer. I never ask. I never dare. I’m afraid they won’t talk to me. Or act weird around me. And I’m afraid because I only really fall for friends. And I feel safe in thinking they’ll never love me back.

Sometimes I feel lucky as a girl. We get a few people over, we do some night with food and quiet chatter. I had a crush on the one of the girls In her group. I had lent her my phone and made her tea when she got locked out.

But in that idle girls night chatter, we talk about people we like. She mentions this hot guy over seas and the others gossip. I think straight very straight and melt in my pettiness.

I know two of my friends are bi. I think. They like guys and girls. I think. But they never bother telling me who they’re crushing on. Or who looks hot. And I feel disconnected. I know it’s cause I don’t click they way they do. And I’m distant and quiet. I keep things to myself.

My best friend and I used to talk about how hot Keira knightly was. Or this cute girl or guy we saw that day. But we’re distant now. She’s off in Ithaca and I’m just in nyc. I barely send off more than a hi. And she responds with no more than a hello. I love her. I know. She loves me. I know. But I feel hollow and shallow. A puppet on strings.

I’ve come out to my parents 3 maybe 4 times. And I feel like I don’t care. No matter what I do. They will still not love the full me. I don’t tell them I make gay fan art. Or show them much of what I make. They won’t understand I tell myself.

My dad says he still loves me, even tho I’m “bi” (really pan and gray but there’s no word for those in chinese so baby steps I guess.) He wants me to find a husband. So he can feel secure in my future. And I feel. Weird. Inside.

When I meet new people. I never know what to say. Do I come off the bat and say HEY NEW PERSON IM GAY IM ASIAN AND HONESTLY NOT POPULAR BUT OKAY. Isn’t that lame? Do I test the waters, ask about gay rights and pronouns and outrageous bathroom laws. Or do I just. Not care.

Shouldn’t queer be as natural as the black hair on my head and the pimples on my nose. But it’s different. I don’t have to announce to the world I have black hair. It’s. Just. There. Whether I like it or not.

I’ve thought of going to lgbt clubs and gay events. Of meeting other people who were out and about queer. But I don’t have that same passion in my bones. I, just want to be me. I don’t think I care as much as they do. I fear being not gay enough. And that’s sad. Really.

Do I tell my therapists I’m queer? Do I say make gay art and read gay porn? Do I say I love sketching bondage art? Does that make me a fetishist? Am I fetishizing gay people? Can I do that as a queer person? I’m just projecting on to 2D people I... I don’t know.

I like spending my nights alone. Hugging giant plushies close to my chest and lburied in thick layers of blanket. I like being in a space in which I know I’m okay with who I am. And that’s a room with just me.

Online is weird. There’s a weird murky elephant in the room In which everyone is shrodingers queer. Some sort of HONESTLY REALLY FUCKING GAY and lmdao fuck gender constructs. It almost feels like you have to come out as straight. I feel like I can hide behind that curtain of, OF COURSE WE’RE ALL GAy. We’re from the Internet.

It’s freeing. Fun. I feel like maybe I’m actually being myself. But it feels like an illusion I’m seeing inside the Erised mirror and a dream I’ll waking up from all too soon. It’s not really real a voice whispers. And even as I fall for maybe someone I met online. It’s not really real my mind says. It’s all Just blinking pixels sliding across your screen.

I’m proud of myself the same way I love the softness of my belly and the awkwardness of my limbs. I’m proud of my queerness in the same way I sing obscenely off key lyrics to 1D songs and make nonsensical jabbing motions that I call dancing. Quietly, on my own, and in my room.

Coming out happens over and over again. It happens first with myself and then to the world. It happens when I look in the mirror and stare blankly, wondering if I should bother washing my face or if I could get away with just mouth wash.

It happens when I walk out the door and stare at the disappointingly not blue sky and ugly slushee mixes of sun baked snow and salt and dirt.

It happens in those moments I forget that breathing is supposed to be unconscious and when sleeping becomes horribly difficult. It happens over and over and

It never goes away.

[palimpsessed]

Hey. You post a lot of great stuff about Carry On. Can you talk about the biting in AWTWB. The Baz/Simon scenes.Trying to wrap my head around it to understand why Simon did that. Why he bites Baz and keeps biting. Bites his fangs through his cheek. Is it because Simon wants to be bitten? That he wants Baz so much and Baz can't be harmed? I'm really trying to understand it but . . . what do you think?

Anon, thank you for this ask, and also for liking whatever I'm doing on my blog.

Can I talk about the biting? You bet I can!

Why does Simon bite Baz? Is it because he wants to be bitten? In a word, yes! But of course, there's a lot more to it than that. And this went off in another direction than I thought it would, so I hope you can stick with me on this journey! Under the cut because it’s a bit long.

There is a motif running throughout the trilogy of love being a consuming force. So much of Simon and Baz's identities are tied up in hunger very early on: Baz, as a vampire, constantly craving blood; Simon, as the Humdrum, constantly sucking up magic; both of them starved of love and intimacy. There's also a lot of fire imagery, going all the way back to when they first met, and fire is another consuming force.

Simon and Baz are obsessed with each other. The only thing they think about is each other. ("Trying not to think about you…S'like trying not to think about an elephant that's standing on my chest.") They are consumed and they want to consume, and, at least in Simon's case, they want to be consumed.

In WS, Simon reflects on misunderstanding his feelings for Baz prior to eighth year, and the way he does it has always stuck out to me: "I thought about him all the time. I missed him so much in the summer. (I thought I was just lonely. I thought I was hungry. I thought I was bored.)" The second item on that list is what catches my attention. Simon missed Baz and he thought he was hungry. I think it says a lot about how Simon's love for Baz feels if he mistakes it for actual hunger.

In the biting scene you mentioned, Simon says to Baz: "If it were me, if I were you…I'd drain you fuckin' dry, Baz, and it still wouldn't be enough." That's intense. And it's absolutely Simon. We know how much hunger he's capable of; his hunger was so potent, it became a whole other being! I've long maintained that his hunger for magic is a metaphor for his hunger for love. Because Simon is so full of love, and just utterly bereft of people to give it to, and once he has people to love, he doesn't know how to do it without also hurting them. He's never had good relationship modeling. (He thinks Baz should know he loves him because of how many things he's killed for him.—He thinks about teaching Baz how to break someone's neck like it's a fun couples' activity.—He gets turned on by killing things and watching Baz kill, too.—Date night is helping Baz hunt down rats.) Simon is a mess. He wants to love so badly, but he just doesn't know how to do it. ("Is this what people do?")

Simon loves Baz so much, he can't fathom ever getting enough of him. Ever being able to consume enough of him. He can't stop biting and smelling and grabbing because he wants more, more, more. He fits his teeth over Baz's old scars because he needs to claim him—make his own mark on Baz, possess him.

Part of this, as you said, is the fact that Baz is a vampire. Baz can take the roughness (which is not to say that he should just because he can). Simon's fixation on Baz's vampirism, which used to play out as paranoia, has changed into a desire to be bitten. Simon is thinking about Baz's vampirism, thinking about draining Baz dry if he were the vampire, and Baz, the human.

The other part of this is that Simon is unfettered, but really only in the aggressive, physical sense. He's long hidden his desires behind aggression without realizing that's what he was doing. (In CO: "I just want to run him down and knock him over and figure it all out." In AWTWB: "I wanted to jump on you, I didn't really think past that.") He doesn't know how to be unfettered in the vulnerable, emotional sense, and that's what keeps him from being able to be intimate with Baz. ("I don't know how, Baz…To get enough.")

Simon desperately wants to have sex with Baz. Which is what he's trying to do in the biting scene, but all of his desires are warring for control, and he can't sort out what he wants, and what he should be doing in that moment, with Baz.

What this is all leading me to may be a bit off topic, but I think it's all tied up in Simon's head.

Simon doesn't know how to be gentle.

His hunger and his desire for Baz have never been gentle. It's aggression, it's violence, it's possession; it's a forest fire, it's not a hidden waterfall.

Simon has never learned how to be at peace. In a recent interview with Vanity Fair, Rainbow said she made Simon "fight of flight"—literally, he has wings! There's a reason that Simon couldn't handle the inaction at the beginning of CO and before the events of WS. There's a reason that Penelope thought that they were "being lulled" because there was no war actively being waged. There's a reason Penelope tells us in WS: "Lesson learned: Relaxation is the most insidious humdrum." These are characters who are so traumatized by childhoods being foot soldiers in a war waged by the adults they trusted, they don't know how to live without fighting! They don't know how to live in peace.

We all have "I can touch you less gently, but I won't love you less kindly" burned into our eyeballs by now, but let's move earlier in that conversation to what sparks this: "What if I asked you to be less kind to me?" —What if I asked you to be less kind to me?— Simon doesn't feel comfortable with Baz's kindness or gentleness, because it "makes me feel like I'm being turned inside out. Like I need to get away." Let's sit with this for a bit. Baz's loving touches make Simon want to run because they're kind and gentle and he doesn't know what to do with kind and gentle. His mind isn't programmed for kind and gentle.

It makes complete sense that Simon would show Baz affection in a way that Simon understands, considering, as I said before, that he hasn't had anyone in his life to show him a healthy way to do this. What does Simon most want from Baz? Love. What does Simon understand love to be? Consumption. He wants roughness and aggression, he wants the inferno, because these are things he understands.

Simon wants Baz's teeth, so he gives Baz his teeth.

This is how Simon feels comfortable. I made this post while processing my feelings about AWTWB. It talks about Simon trying to love Baz the way he wants to be loved, and Baz trying to love Simon the way he wants to be loved. They want to give each other everything, but they haven't actually communicated their needs to one another, and that's what keeps them from being able to work through their problems. It isn't until they voice their needs that they're able to be intimate. This is what I'm really trying to get at here.

"Is this what people do?" Simon asks, over and over again. When Simon was in therapy, he learned a technique to break up "life into bites you can swallow". He tells us he's doing this again in AWTWB "because [the future] is too terrifying. Too uncertain. There are parts of it that are too bright." —There are parts of it that are too bright.— Simon doesn't know how to be happy. He doesn't know how to cope with happiness. "Is this what people do when they're in love? Do they just keep touching and talking? And then what? Like what is it all leading to? I don't mean sex, I mean… If I knew what I meant, it wouldn't be so frightening." When Simon is having all these overwhelming feelings about his future with Baz, they're on the Tube, and Simon sees a guy giving him and Baz "a dirty look". He interrupts his introspective on therapy to tell us that he wants the guy to cause trouble "because I would dearly love to punch something right now. That's a decision I could wrap my brain around." He can wrap his brain around punching someone, but not around a bright future with the man he loves.

Simon doesn't know how to be at peace. He doesn't know how to be in love. He doesn't know how to be happy. I think this is what we're seeing at play when he bites Baz. He wants something so badly, but he doesn't know what it is, can't articulate it, can't get at it. In a way, when he bites Baz, Simon is trying to ask for what he wants, without words, and without really knowing what it is that he does want.

He can't figure out how to let himself be happy and feel good while being happy. He can't stand gentleness, or softness. In his head, he can't give that to Baz, because he can't handle it himself.

So, yes, Simon bites Baz because he wants to be bitten. And he bites Baz because he knows Baz can handle it. And he bites Baz because there's an emptiness inside of him that he's still trying to fill, and he doesn't understand how to do that. Someday, he will fill it. He and Baz are going to figure that out together.

I hope this makes sense. With your indulgence, Anon, I'm going to tag in @theflyingpeach who is all around brilliant, and I know has their own thoughts about this scene (and demon Simon 👀👀👀) that I would like to see more of. 🥰

A follow up to this ask can be found here.

Further reading on the relationship between consumption, food, and love compiled here.

[kcrabb88]

Queer Movies/Books/TV Shows for Pride Month!

Happy Pride everyone!! For your viewing/reading pleasure I have made a (non-exhaustive) list of queer media that I have enjoyed! 

Movies/Documentaries

Pride (2014): An old tried and true favorite, which meets at the intersection of queer and workers’ rights. A group of queer activists support the 1985 miners’ strike in Wales (complete with a sing-through of Bread and Roses + Power in a Union)

Portrait of a Lady on Fire: On an isolated island in Brittany at the end of the eighteenth century, a female painter is obliged to paint a wedding portrait of a young woman (or, two young lesbians fall in love by the sea, and you cry)

God’s Own Country: Young farmer Johnny Saxby numbs his daily frustrations with binge drinking and casual sex, until the arrival of a Romanian migrant worker for lambing season ignites an intense relationship that sets Johnny on a new path (Seriously this movie is GREAT and doesn’t get enough love, watch it! It’s rough but ends happily)

The Half of It:  When smart but cash-strapped teen Ellie Chu agrees to write a love letter for a jock, she doesn't expect to become his friend - or fall for his crush (as in she falls for his crush who is another girl. This movie was so good, and really friendship focused!) 

Saving Face:  A Chinese-American lesbian and her traditionalist mother are reluctant to go public with secret loves that clash against cultural expectations (this is an oldie and a goodie, with a happy ending!)

Moonlight:  A young African-American man grapples with his identity and sexuality while experiencing the everyday struggles of childhood, adolescence, and burgeoning adulthood (featuring gay men of color!)

Carol:  An aspiring photographer develops an intimate relationship with an older woman in 1950s New York (everyone’s seen this I think, but I couldn’t not have it here)

Milk: The story of Harvey Milk and his struggles as an American gay activist who fought for gay rights and became California's first openly gay elected official (the speech at the end of this made me cry. Warning, of course, for death, if you don’t know about Harvey Milk)

Pride (Hulu Documentary):  A six-part documentary series chronicling the fight for LGBTQ civil rights in America (they go by decade from the 50s-2000s, and there is a lot of great trans inclusion in this)

Paris is Burning (Documentary): A 1990s documentary about the African American and Latinx ballroom scene. Available on Youtube!

A New York Christmas Wedding:  As her Christmas Eve wedding draws near, Jennifer is visited by an angel and shown what could have been if she hadn't denied her true feelings for her childhood best friend (this movie is SO CUTE. It’s really only nominally a Christmas movie and easily watched anytime. Features an interracial sapphic couple!) 

TV Shows 

Love, Victor: Victor is a new student at Creekwood High School on his own journey of self-discovery, facing challenges at home, adjusting to a new city, and struggling with his sexual orientation (this is a spin-off of Love, Simon, and it’s very sweet and well done! Featuring a young gay man of color)

Sex Education:  A teenage boy with a sex therapist mother teams up with a high school classmate to set up an underground sex therapy clinic at school (this has multiple queer characters, including a featured young Black gay man and also in season 2 there is a side ace character!) 

Black Sails: I mean, do I even need to put a summary here? If you follow me you know that Black Sails is full of queer pirates, just queers everywhere.

Gentleman Jack:  A dramatization of the life of LGBTQ+ trailblazer, voracious learner and cryptic diarist Anne Lister, who returns to Halifax, West Yorkshire in 1832, determined to transform the fate of her faded ancestral home Shibden Hall (Period drama lesbians!!! A title sequence  that will make you gay just by watching!) 

Tales of the City (2019):  A middle-aged Mary Ann returns to San Francisco and reunites with the eccentric friends she left behind. "Tales of the City" focuses primarily on the people who live in a boardinghouse turned apartment complex owned by Anna Madrigal at 28 Barbary Lane, all of whom quickly become part of what Maupin coined a "logical family". It's no longer a secret that Mrs. Madrigal is transgender. Instead, she is haunted by something from her past that has long been too painful to share (this is based on a book series and it’s got lots of great inter-generational queer relationships!) 

The Haunting of Bly Manor:  After an au pair’s tragic death, Henry hires a young American nanny to care for his orphaned niece and nephew who reside at Bly Manor with the chef Owen, groundskeeper Jamie and housekeeper, Mrs. Grose (sweet, tender, wonderful lesbians. A bittersweet ending but this show is so so wonderful)

Sense8: A group of people around the world are suddenly linked mentally, and must find a way to survive being hunted by those who see them as a threat to the world's order (queers just EVERYWHERE in this show, of all kinds)

Books

Loveless by Alice Oseman:  Georgia has never been in love, never kissed anyone, never even had a crush – but as a fanfic-obsessed romantic she’s sure she’ll find her person one day. This wise, warm and witty story of identity and self-acceptance sees Alice Oseman on towering form as Georgia and her friends discover that true love isn’t limited to romance (don’t be turned off by this title, it’s tongue-in-cheek. This is a book about an aroace college girl discovering herself and centers the importance and power of platonic relationships! I have it on my TBR and have heard great things)

Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters: Reese almost had it all: a loving relationship with Amy, an apartment in New York City, a job she didn't hate. She had scraped together what previous generations of trans women could only dream of: a life of mundane, bourgeois comforts. The only thing missing was a child. But then her girlfriend, Amy, detransitioned and became Ames, and everything fell apart. Now Reese is caught in a self-destructive pattern: avoiding her loneliness by sleeping with married men.Ames isn't happy either. He thought detransitioning to live as a man would make life easier, but that decision cost him his relationship with Reese—and losing her meant losing his only family. Even though their romance is over, he longs to find a way back to her. When Ames's boss and lover, Katrina, reveals that she's pregnant with his baby—and that she's not sure whether she wants to keep it—Ames wonders if this is the chance he's been waiting for. Could the three of them form some kind of unconventional family—and raise the baby together?This provocative debut is about what happens at the emotional, messy, vulnerable corners of womanhood that platitudes and good intentions can't reach. Torrey Peters brilliantly and fearlessly navigates the most dangerous taboos around gender, sex, and relationships, gifting us a thrillingly original, witty, and deeply moving novel (again, don’t be thrown off by the title, it too, is tongue-in-cheek. This book was GREAT, and written by a trans women with a queer-and especially trans--audience in mind)

A Tip for the Hangman by Allison Epstein: A gay Christopher Marlowe, at Cambridge and trying to become England’s best new playwright, finds himself wrapped up in royal espionage schemes while also falling in love (this book is by a Twitter friend of mine, and it is a wonderful historical thriller with a gay man at the center).

Creatures of Will and Temper by Molly Tanzer: a very very queer remix of The Picture of Dorian Gray (which was already quite queer), featuring amazing female characters, a gay Basil, and a much happier ending than the original. 

Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston: The gay prince of England and the bisexual, biracial first son of the president fall in love (think an AU of 2016 where a woman becomes president). Featuring a fantastic discovery of bisexuality, ruminations on grief, and just a truly astonishing book. One of my favorites!

One Last Stop by Casey McQuiston:  For cynical twenty-three-year-old August, moving to New York City is supposed to prove her right: that things like magic and cinematic love stories don’t exist, and the only smart way to go through life is alone. She can’t imagine how waiting tables at a 24-hour pancake diner and moving in with too many weird roommates could possibly change that. And there’s certainly no chance of her subway commute being anything more than a daily trudge through boredom and electrical failures. But then, there’s this gorgeous girl on the train (This is Casey McQuiston’s brand new novel featuring time-travel, queer women, and I absolutely cannot WAIT to read it)

The Heiress by Molly Greely: Set in the Pride and Prejudice universe, this takes on Anne de Bourg (Lady Catherine’s daughter), and makes her queer! 

Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters:  Nan King, an oyster girl, is captivated by the music hall phenomenon Kitty Butler, a male impersonator extraordinaire treading the boards in Canterbury. Through a friend at the box office, Nan manages to visit all her shows and finally meet her heroine. Soon after, she becomes Kitty's dresser and the two head for the bright lights of Leicester Square where they begin a glittering career as music-hall stars in an all-singing and dancing double act. At the same time, behind closed doors, they admit their attraction to each other and their affair begins (Sarah Waters is the queen of historical lesbians. All of her books are good, and they’re all gay! The Paying Guests is another great one)

(On a side note re: queer books, there are MANY, these are just ones I’ve read more recently. Also there are a lot of indie/self-published writers doing great work writing queer books, so definitely support your local indie authors!) 

[lunaajade]

Everything You Need to Know about “Shadow and Bone” on Netflix (*UPDATED: POSSIBLE LANGUAGE OF THORNS ADAPTATION INFO)

 Since it’s recently been confirmed that we’d be getting S&B content in a few days (finally!), I thought I’d compile and summarize as much info as I could to refresh everyone’s memories! Please spread the word/share this post to those who aren’t up to date! (I’ve seen some people online who are worried about how it’s going to turn out, and I’d like to be able to hopefully reassure those people)

Now, there’s a LOT of stuff, so there’s always the chance I missed/forgot something. This post will be split up into categories based on type of info, so here we go! I went back and listened to/watched both of the big live streams (NYCC and the S&B Charity Competition), went on the Grishaverse Reddit, etc. to find as much (extra/bonus) stuff as I could. (If I missed anything/got something wrong, please feel free to leave a comment!)

Update: A lot of people have been asking where it was confirmed we were getting content soon. I found out from one of the update accounts I follow.

Thanks for reading, everyone!

General/Key Info About the Show

-This first season will be adapting both “Shadow and Bone” and what has been dubbed a “Book 0″ (most likely meaning prequel/backstory/set-up) for “Six of Crows” -In relation to the above point, the timelines are being brought together for the show. (Normally in the books, the two series are set two years apart)(We don’t know how exactly or what this means for the story, but I have a really interesting theory that I thought up in relation to this, message me if you’d like to hear it.) -Leigh acknowledges and understands that some of us have doubts and are worried about the show, but she has publicly assured us (numerous times) of how much she loves the show and cast, how well she thinks the crew/writers did in bringing the Grishaverse to life, etc. See a later point below in the Facts/Tidbits section -The first season will have 8, one-hour long episodes -Alina has been made half Shu (half Asian) for the show! Leigh stated that was decided on after she and Eric had a lengthy discussion on Alina’s character. -The main cast (as in confirmed to be in all episodes) is comprised of Jessie Mei Li (as Alina), Archie Renaux (as Mal), Ben Barnes (as the Darkling), Freddy Carter (as Kaz), Amita Suman (as Inej), and Kit Young (as Jesper) -Wylan and Nikolai are NOT in the first season. (Nikolai didn’t appear until the second book, and Leigh confirmed that at this point in the story, the Crows had not met Wylan yet.) -Other cast members include Danielle Galligan (as Nina), Calahan Skogman (as Matthias), Daisy Head (as Genya), Sujaya Dasgupta (as Zoya), Luke Pasqualino (as David), Julian Kostov (as Fedyor), Simon Sears (as Ivan), Zoe Wanamaker (as Baghra), and more! -The Darkling will also be called “General Kirigan” in the show. From what we know, The Darkling will be the “enemy” to Ravka (so in essence, General Kirigan is his alias/fake persona (what he’ll most likely be referred to for most of the show), and no one knows that he’s actually their enemy. (Meaning it’ll most likely a super big moment when they learn their general was actually the Darkling in disguise)). -The show was shot on location in Budapest, Hungary. (And additional filming took place this past fall in Vancouver) -In order, the 8 episodes are titled the following: “A Searing Burst of Light”, “We’re All Someone’s Monster”, “The Making at the Heart of the World”, “Otkazat’sya”, “Show Me Who You Are”, “The Heart is An Arrow”, “The Unsea”, & “No Mourners”.

Other (Fun) Facts/Tidbits About the Show

-Upon seeing Jessie’s audition, Leigh loved her audition/portrayal of Alina so much that she apparently stated that she wanted her to play Alina or she’d be out of the project. She was sent five auditions to watch, Jessie’s was the third, and she said she didn’t bother watching the rest of them. -Leigh stated that she and Eric Heisserer (the creator of the show) said they were on the same page from the first meeting. All other past meetings with producers and companies about possible adaptations had left her with a bad feeling, but she said they’d had the same ideas about inclusion, story, staff, etc. She said she’s loved the respect he’s shown towards the work (and, in a way, to us the fans) -Netflix apparently also has the rights to adapt “The Language of Thorns” , though we’ve gotten no info on that adaptation yet. (UPDATE: I just watched a Leigh Bardugo event from Feb 2019 (a few weeks after the show was first announced, I think): As of  that day, she said that she thought that they were going to use LoT more for "texture” (IMO that might mean worldbuilding?) in the show. And I don’t know if she was talking about LoT specifically because she was very vague, but she said that there were certain things in the show that she thinks readers will be really excited about. Again, this was over a year ago, back when they were still in pre-production and stuff, so don’t take my word for it. Besides this, I couldn’t find anything else relating to a possible LoT adaptation. Maybe they’ll have the stories from LoT appear as actual folk tales told in the show, and that’s the “adaptation”? IDK. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpHnw8Ygw5c&t=1906s)) -Leigh is an exec. producer on the show! I’m no expert, so I don’t know how much say/power she had in the process, but she definitely had some. -There is a RAVKAN edition of the “Shadow and Bone” book that Leigh says makes a cameo in the show! -Jesper’s guns had custom etchings done on them by a Hungarian antique gunsmith! (And they were so good that Leigh and Eric said that it looked like it belonged in a museum--they were also described to be quite heavy!) -Eric Heisserer is the creator of the show, he is an award-winning writer, well known for “Arrival”, “Bird Box”, and more. (If I remember correctly, Leigh said that he’d reached out to her about making the show!) -A DeKappel painting (maybe the one owned by Van Eck?) was confirmed to be in the pilot episode. -Pekka Rollins and Tante Heleen have been confirmed to be in the first season, but their casting has (up to this point) not yet been revealed. -Bo Yul-Bayur is confirmed to be in the show! (Though Kuwei has not) -Leigh will have  a cameo in (I think) Episode 5! She will be wearing a Materialki kefta and will be opening a door, if I remember correctly. -A lot of the crew was also extremely passionate about the project and fans of the books -The “Lives of Saints” book that was published in October is an actual book/prop that is appearing in the show! -I’m personally fine with Mal, but Leigh says that Archie is going to change everyone’s minds with his portrayal! -The costume designer for the show is Wendy Partridge, known for her work on “Thor: The Dark World”, “Pompeii”, and more!  -The composer for the show is Joe Trapanese, known for composing for “The Greatest Showman”, “Straight Outta Compton”, “Lady and the Tramp”, and more! At the NYCC Grishaverse panel, they revealed a little bit of the score (”Grisha Theme”): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFxIEbsHKJA 

Fun Cast/On Set Stories/Facts

-The cast all loves each other, and are all extremely passionate about this show, which is great! (Leigh said that on her second visit to the set, she heard them singing together) -Leigh says that Ben Barnes once snuck up behind her on her first day on set and scared her by whispering “Fine, make me your villain” -Freddy’s favorite Grishaverse book is “Six of Crows”, but most specifically the first line of chapter 2 (”Kaz Brekker didn’t need a reason.”) -Jessie would apparently come to set on some of her days off to support the cast and crew! -Sujaya has stated that her favorite Grishaverse character is Nikolai! (#Zoyalai) -Freddy has become famous/popular with the fandom, one of the reasons being because he often comments on posts/live streams asking something along the lines of “What was it like working with Freddy Carter? xoxo” -Danielle loves Nina and her journey in “King of Scars” -According to a Tweet, Freddy and Leigh said that there had been a scene with “a very pesky gate”--Freddy said that it “wouldn’t be proper to tweet the expletives [he] used that day” and that he thinks he “scarred” Amita and Eric. -Amita’s favorite thing about Inej is her silence, and her favorite Grishaverse book is “Six of Crows” (as of May, where we learned this during a live-stream, she said she’s read it three times and listened to the audiobook twice.) -There was a waffle truck on set on the last day of shooting! -Calahan says that if he could play any other Grishaverse character, he’d want to play Nikolai! -While she did work with the trainer to get more physically fit, Amita learned most of her knife techniques by herself! -Leigh said she cried a lot while on set! (She said there was one scene they were shooting that she has a very clear, vivid memory of writing many years back--based on the context of which she was talking about it, if I had to guess, I’d guess she’s describing the Winter Fete.) -Leigh also said that on one of her first days on set, it was funny/weird to see all the extras in First Army uniforms chilling on their phones, drinking coffee, etc. -One of Calahan’s favorite character dynamics in the books is the dynamic between Kaz and Matthias -There was a moment where Amita was fully in costume and doing amazing, graceful knife work, only to trip and fall when she’d finished. -Amita and Jessie and Sujaya were best friends on set. -Sujaya loved everything about playing Zoya. (Especially her confidence) -Leigh says one of her favorite props was Kaz’s cane, especially because of what it meant to her and the story. -If he could be any Grisha order, Calahan says he’d want to be a Corporalki -Calahan loves Matthias’s journey/arc. -Kit’s favorite Grishaverse book is “Crooked Kingdom”!

Links

-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X65iI1YXrbU (NYCC Grishaverse Panel) -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHou5rVs6o0 (S&B Talent Show Charity Live Stream ft. the S&B Cast!--the IG video got taken down because Archie deleted his IG account and switched to a new one) -https://www.netflix.com/title/80236319 (”Shadow and Bone” on Netflix!) -https://twitter.com/shadowandbone_ (Official “Shadow and Bone” Twitter!) -https://www.instagram.com/shadowandbone/?hl=en (Official “Shadow and Bone” Instagram!) -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRh-Pmbynww (Annoucement made by cast when filming wrapped! (can be found on the social media accounts, but here’s a link to YT)) -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bpY8uLtyB4 (A S&B Cast Crack video by HeartPhantom--it highlights a lot of the inside jokes and memes that we’ve gotten to witness among the cast, and also just generally shows off how hilariously chaotic everyone is (this cast is the definition of chaotic good, lol))

[ilalos]

Lavender dreams (Anthony Bridgerton x OC)-Part 2/3

Word count: 1.8k

Dances came and went and Grace had saved a dance for Anthony in each and every one of them, but he had yet to ask her for an outing. Gigi supposed he was busy enough trying to get Eloise to go on at least one outing with one of the few men that passed his rigorous check but was it so hard to take her out for a walk in the park or perhaps to have some tea? It didn’t help that she had heard rumors of him meeting actresses every night with unholy purposes, but she held hope for the eldest Bridgerton because every time they danced she felt as if there was no one else on the dance floor with them, and every time they talked he pulled a smile from her even if seconds before she had been upset.

She had had some outings with a couple of gentlemen who were approved by Simon and Daphne, and even if they were fine, educated young men she felt nothing for them. She knew her time was cutting short as it was already the middle of the season and her father didn’t have much time left, but she hadn’t felt anything resembling love for any of her callers. She had, however, started a friendship with non-other than Colin Bridgerton, and this lead Lady Whistledown to speculate about a possible engagement between the pair. The truth was, Colin saw Gigi as a sister at most and she saw him as the brother she never had.

The possibility of Colin proposing was truly daunting to Lady Bridgerton as she knew this union would break Anthony’s heart and could potentially cause a rift between the brothers. She had taken notice of the way her eldest tensed whenever one of the girls read the latest Lady Whistledown and the young couple was mentioned, Colin would always scoff and remind everyone he had no intentions of getting engaged anytime soon but that did nothing to lessen the deep frown in Anthony’s face or his mother’s worry.

Anthony had been visiting the brothel more often in a poor attempt to forget about Gigi and also convincing himself that he would never be deserving of the girl’s love. He knew he needed a wife and he intended on marrying that very season, but the thought of Gigi suffering half as much with his death as his mother did when his father passed, refrained him from accepting his feelings and proposing. Despite his resolve to forget his feelings for her, he continued to dance with her at every ball and party. When they danced he felt as if he could stay there forever, twirling her in his arms and holding her as close as possible; they talked sometimes at these events and felt as if they had known each other their whole lives.

It was the day of the picnic and the Bridgerton family was excited after hearing from the eldest daughter that Lord Watts had informed her and her husband of his intentions to propose to Grace. He was an earl and he and Grace had had some successful outings.

Grace had no objections toward the young man apart from the fact that she bore no feelings for him whatsoever, but given her lack of time to worry on such silly matters, she chose to ignore that in favor of having the wedding her father wished for, and who knows? Maybe their love would sprout once they were married.

When Anthony heard the news he could almost hear his heartbreaking in half, a pain ten times bigger than the one he felt when Siena rejected him. He almost wanted to beg Colin to propose before Lord Watts had the chance, at least that way he would be able to still see her when the couple visited. He decided to skip the picnic and instead stayed at home reviewing the business to avoid having to watch the happy couple celebrating their future union.

The proposal didn’t occur at the event, Lord Watts was there and he did take Grace on a walk but he had made the decision to make a formal proposal at his family’s home the following day so he limited himself to invite Grace, the duke, the duchess, and Lady Bridgerton to his house for tea. The invitation was accepted and the picnic continued without much excitement. The Duke's family left first because baby A was behaving quite fussy and her mother suspected it was due to the unforgiving sun beaming down on them; soon after the Bridgertons left due to a menacing black cloud that darkened the festivities.

Night and storm had fallen upon Lady Danbury’s home when a nervous messenger knocked urgently on the state’s door. Mr. Lock, the butler, had opened the door.

“How can I help-”

“Lord Bridgerton’s carriage was robbed and he is terribly hurt!” The young man had yelled the message hoping the duchess would hear him “Lady Bridgerton urges the presence of her eldest daughter in this uncertain times”

Grace had been the one to hear the messenger’s words and she felt panic take hold of her body. She ran to the door and demanded a horse be readied for her, the butler refused to let her go alone into the rain and advised her to wait until the carriage was ready. At his refusal, she chose to forget decorum and took the messenger's horse and rode it into the storm. The duke and duchess had heard the commotion and ordered the footman to ready the carriage at once.

Grace rode to the Bridgerton household in record time and when she got there she rode straight into the nearby stables, dropped the horse, and ran to the home’s door. Lady Bridgerton opened with teary eyes expecting to see Daphne and let a gasp when instead of her eldest daughter she saw the soaked figure of Grace Gillingham standing at her doorstep.

“Where is he?” That was all the girl said.

“Upstairs, the doctor is seeing him in his bedroom”

The woman barely finished her sentence before the younger girl pushed past her and ran up the stairs, politeness be dammed. She found Benedict passing by Anthony’s door and before she could ask about the man’s condition a pained scream tore through the wood. She gasped as if she felt his pain and fresh tears ran down her cheeks.

“The doctor said his injuries are extensive but not life-threatening” Benedict said it trying to calm the poor girl down but her sobs remained the same, “he said it would take a while, maybe you should go get changed into some dry clothes, surely Eloise can lend you some”

“I’m not leaving this door until I see with my own eyes that he is well”

Benedict only nodded and watched her seat on the floor with her back against the wall, right across the door. Daphne arrived not long after and she too tried to convince Grace to change out of her soaked clothing or to at least drink some hot tea while they waited but the girl refused

“I will be fine” was all she had said through gritted teeth and blue lips.

Hours passed and every once in a while a pained clamor would leave the room, Benedict watched how each sound made a fresh wave of tears fall from Gigi’s eyes. The wait was long and soon Benedict found himself nodding off against the wall, only to be suddenly awakened by the door opening, Grace barely waited for the doctor to exit the room before running inside and kneeling at Anthony’s bedside, taking his hand between hers and looking at his face with relief when hearing taking notice of his breathing and the pulsing of his heart.

“He’ll need lots of rest to properly heal his wounds but he will make a full recovery” the doctor took one look at Grace and shook his head with a smile “Give this to her as soon as you can” he said as he handed Benedict a vial with a yellowish liquid.

“What is this concoction?”

“It will help her fever and lessen her cold symptoms” he explained “If she looks abnormally flushed or agitated, call me immediately”

Anthony thought he had never felt pain as bad as when the doctor had healed his wounds but seeing Grace’s feverish form sleeping uncomfortably in a chair at his bedside hurt more than whatever he felt the night prior. He saw her pale skin and red cheeks that hinted towards a fever, and her labored breathing pointed to a terrible cold, his hand was resting between hers and he marveled at how small they looked around his. He saw Benedict enter the room and questioned him about her presence.

“She rode on a stolen horse in the middle of a storm to be by your side, brother” Benedict chuckled at his brother’s astonished expression, knowing his surprise would only grow “She pushed past mother, entered the house uninvited, sat on the floor in the hallway and refused to move until she knew you were alright” he pointed to her reddened cheeks and continued “She didn’t even change out of her soaked dress until she saw you with her own eyes, the poor thing caught a terrible cold and only accepted to take the medicine and the change of clothes if we allowed her to stay here by your side”

Anthony felt his heart explode with love for the girl, the feelings so strong his eyes glossed with unshed tears. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have such an angel loving him so much, and he only hoped he could make her feel half as loved as he felt at that very moment. He had to admit he was angered by her reckless behavior but the love overshadowed his protective feelings...until he saw her being woken up by a sudden fit of horribly sounding cough. He watched as she fought to regain her breath and was ready to chastise her until he noticed the way she looked at him, with so much love and so much relief he forgot what he was going to say.

“You’re awake,” she said simply, processing “You are awake!” Once processed the information had caused her tremendous joy and she jumped to embrace him, only to jump back when she heard his quiet complaint from the pressure put on his recent wounds “I apologize Lord Bridgerton, in my excitement, I seem to have forgotten about your injuries”

“No need to apologize, love” the pet name just flew past his lips, catching them both by surprise “You must go to get some proper rest now, you are sick and tired, we’ll talk later about the poor decisions you took yesterday”

Grace only nodded and without thinking took his hand and kissed his palm before leaving to finally get some rest on an actual bed.

“Fetch the Duke of Hastings for me, Benedict, I have a proposal to make”

PART 3

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Hi! If you’re still following along this story know that I appreciate it :))))) Thank you so so much for reading! I hope you enjoy it

[ifuckinglovestvincent]

NY TIMES: St. Vincent Is Trying to Understand People

As she releases her sixth album, “Daddy’s Home,” the musician expounds on the lengthy documentaries, Janet Jackson bust and Joni Mitchell album that feed her creativity.

By Olivia Horn

May 4, 2021, 10:00 a.m. ET

Despite the hardships of the past year, Annie Clark’s sixth studio album came together with remarkable ease. “Maybe I earned a fun one,” Clark, who records under the name St. Vincent, mused. “Usually there’s some kind of ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ moment. And there just wasn’t.”

Clark, 38, spent much of 2020 shuttling between her home in Los Angeles and her family’s in Texas. But the record (“Daddy’s Home,” due May 14) was born at Electric Lady Studios in Manhattan, where she and her repeat collaborator Jack Antonoff landed on 1970s New York as their lodestar. The resulting songs ease away from the angular art-pop of “Masseduction” from 2017, opting for gentler, slouchier rock. The relative softness corresponds to Clark’s effort to treat the troubled, complicated characters that populate her record with care. Among them are the broke and lovelorn protagonist of the lead single “Pay Your Way in Pain,” Nina Simone, Marilyn Monroe and her own father, whose release from prison in 2019 inspired the title track.

Clark confessed that she did not meet her quarantine goals of learning conversational Italian or writing a tour bus cookbook, but she did read some books about the gulag. Calling from her “utilitarian” Los Angeles studio, she detailed 10 of her favorite things to watch, read and hear — many of her picks reflecting a fascination with history and an eagerness to unpack social and aesthetic violence. These are edited excerpts from the conversation.

1. William Scott Sculptures

I discovered William Scott’s work through David Byrne, at his place in New York. And when we were on tour with “Love This Giant,” we went to Creative Growth in Oakland [a nonprofit that supports artists with disabilities]. I had my eye on this bust of Janet Jackson. And then when I was back, I went and bought a bust of CeCe Winans. So I have these busts in my library.

A lot of the artists whose work I collect are people who are marginalized from society in one way or another. What I like about it is that the expression feels very pure. These are people who might not have all of the tools at their disposal or the education, or any of that, but they are compelled to make work. That kind of irrepressible urge in people — that I just find so inspiring and heartening and cool. And it’s completely divorced from any of the status of the quote, unquote, “art world.”

2. Adam Curtis’s Documentary Series “Century of the Self”

The way his work has been described is as emotional history or impressionistic history. The lines that he draws between events and trends are not exactly “A plus B equals C,” but the general thesis is like, “the collective consciousness is saying this.” As a writer, I’m always trying to understand systems and understand people.

3. Ric Burns’s “New York: A Documentary Film”

I used to live in a rent-controlled place in the East Village. But it was shady how I lived there, so I was never able to get utilities in my name. I lived there for 10 years and I didn’t have the internet, so I had DVDs. I used to go to Kim’s Video all the time and buy DVDs so when I would wake up hung over and be like, “Oh, just can’t quite make it out of bed today,” I would have something to put on. If I wanted to watch something it wasn’t like “Netflix and chill.” I associate that Ric Burns documentary with being either hung over or tired or both, and watching it in my bed.

4. Joni Mitchell’s “Hejira”

This is one of those Joni Mitchell records that I didn’t hear until I was in my early 20s. Everybody knows “Blue” and “Ladies of the Canyon,” but this is when I became a Joni Mitchell fan, with a capital F. This record’s just so deep. Her lyrics are … Cubist. I’m thinking of the one where she’s like, “In the mirrors of a modern bank/From the window of a hotel room.” And it’s all wiggles, you know? It’s like water, that record. And I don’t mean to make it about me, but I feel like I can understand some of the things that Joni talks about, like the refuge of the road, or watching the world from an airplane or being in a hotel room.

5. Maggie Nelson’s “The Art of Cruelty”

This is one of those books that I picked up six times and would get through a few pages and be like, “This is really brilliant,” but it felt impenetrable at first. Then I had this one weekend where the clouds parted, and I just could see it and plowed through it. It talks about the ethics of being an artist in a way that is so brilliant, and so not orthodox or finger wagging. I think it’s one of those books you can revisit at various points of your life.

6. Her Own STV Signature Series Guitar

Part of it was inspired by Klaus Nomi’s tuxedo. And I wanted it to hit my sternum in a particular way. I am cis female, so the way that it hits the sternum and then has a little bit of a cutaway, it makes room for my breast. But just one of them. There’s only room for one! I love it. It’s the only electric that I play, with very rare exception.

I saw people’s pictures of it from the Met [in the exhibition “Play It Loud: Instruments of Rock & Roll”], because I never got a chance to go and see it in real life. Most of the time, I just kind of like quietly put my head down and work — and then every once in a while, I look up and see something that I’ve made, and it’s mysterious that it’s in the world.

7. Wim Wenders’s “Pina”

I love Pina Bausch’s work. I was really inspired by “The Rite of Spring,” where the virgin dances herself to death. There’s this one particular movement that was like, drawing your hand above your head, and then when you pull it down, your elbow goes into your stomach — sort of like you’re open and then you’re impaling yourself. It just moved me to tears. So when I worked with my friend Annie-B Parson to choreograph the Digital Witness Tour, I was like, “Can we please incorporate this?” Another big thing: I was obsessed with falling. That was another big part of the Bausch work. How do you fall and make it look violent but not hurt yourself? I’d get a rehearsal room with Annie-B and just practice falling.

8. Vintage RCA 77-D Microphone

It’s an old ribbon mic, and it just sounds so good and warm. I know these are words that might not mean that much — when people describe sound as warm, it’s reductive. But it makes things sound and feel true. I don’t mean that it has perfect fidelity. What I mean is that when you sing into this microphone, what comes back at you feels honest. My friend Cian Riordan, who mixed “Daddy’s Home,” hipped me to this mic.

9. “Hidden Brain” Podcast

There was one recently about the idea of honor culture. You know, if someone is insulting someone’s masculinity and masculinity is tied up with honor, you have to avenge that insult. A lot of these “honor societies” end up with more violence because you have to save face and there’s less ways to assimilate conflict. The premise of so much of “Hidden Brain” is that we live by the stories we tell ourselves. And as a storyteller, that idea is very liberating to me, because if we live by the stories we tell ourselves, it means that when we get new information, we can assimilate that information and tell ourselves new stories.

10. Piazza della Signoria in Florence

The first time I was there was with my mom and sisters. I remember just walking through this piazza and having a wonderful time and wonderful conversation, and really being awe-struck by the architecture and the history, and just that life was beautiful. Another time, a number of years later, I was on tour with David Byrne and we had our last show in Florence, and I remember walking through with band members and then having the best dinner of my life after. It’s one of those places where, at very pivotal points of my life, I’ve been there and only beautiful things have happened to me.

[thetimelessdreams]

Jack's last battle | Radioactive

Inspired by this guy, his powers and his appeal. He has always been my accurate representation of what I'd be as a guy. And he got no screen time. :(

Two days ago I found one picture on my phone, it's from 2018, the year that the sequel to The Incredibles released. It was a picture of Gamma Jack that I was showing around my elementary school asking what kind of emotion his face is supposed to portray. Maybe happiness or ignorance. We never figured him out.

So, I nostalgically rewatched the movie and the 2nd DVD with the heroes talking. I also downloaded LEGO The Incredibles and unlocked Gamma Jack with the cheat code.

There aren't many stories about him as I checked. (#justiceforgammajack)

Moving on to the actual story...

*******

- Jack, welcome home! - Thanks, darling. The day was hella tiring! - Why so? - I had to be a questor for a Spanish exam. It was exhausting since Spanish isn't a language I know. The students are always so happy when I teach about radiation rays. So being a questor made me think a little about my overuse of power recently. When I demonstrate the various types of materials, they disintegrate. Yet I see my students being interested in listening and watching. I enjoy being around them so much. Hahaha. - Jack, you really have changed since our glory days. Remember them? You used to be so reckless. I was so worried. - Yeah, I sure do. Thanks for always believing in me when no one else did. Thanks for making me the happiest man and most importantly, thanks for being here still.

Then they hugged. The warm embrace of his wife had always made Jack happy. The hug was longer than expected. Jack went to his children's room. His son and daughter had already had dinner since Jack comes back late from work every day. So, they have to dine without him.

- Father, I have B+ in Chemistry today! I am so happy!! - We are both proud of you, son - Jack said. - Thanks, mom and dad! - Dad, and I got a boyfriend. He is from my class and is a big strong boy. Please say I can date him. - What? You have a boyfriend before I had my first girlfriend now? I was in fifth grade and you are in third. Ah, you are growing up faster than ever, don't you? - Yes, dad! - his daughter said with a smile.

Even if superheroes weren't allowed to breed, most still had children. One day, many years ago Jack had been contacted by his old colleague, Robert, who announced that he had a daughter, regardless of the rule. Simon and Lucius decided to not violate the law and remained without children.

Before his hero days, he was known as a bad teenager, who spent some time in jail. The walls of the prison never stopped him and he was soon taken by the NSA. His powers were strong and could kill, unlike others' abilities. He was always watched to not misbehave.

But the NSA stopped all superhero acts after heroes' big prohibitions and suings.

After the ban, Jack started working as a physician at the local university. He was giving lectures almost every day. Until he found a new theory about a natural phenomenon that wasn't explained before. The whole thing won Jack a lot of fame and a Noble prize nomination. He used his real name, and he changed his hairstyle and his persona completely. No more prioritizing women and selfishness. All of their friends and relatives can proudly say that he is a completely different person.

The rest of the superheroes that had problems sticking to normal lifestyles envied Jack and his wife. They had excellent lives. Everything had been fine for them. They were never sued for superhero acts in the past.

At the university, he was talking about how weird he felt when he realized he can throw radiation bursts around. His wife on the other hand was also a lector at the same university but in a different subject. She also demonstrates using her powers. That doesn't cause suspicion which is odd for anyone who talks to them. The students even love having them around. Both joke a lot and are really understanding people.

Sadly, for some time, they missed being superheroes. No more battles. Just them using their powers for education which isn't something bad or useless. But that doesn't bring the same passion, joy and excitement as in the glory days. No more groups of women wanting autographs from Jack. No more champagne for the brilliant wins over the forces of evil.

Until one day something weird happened. Jack's wife was invited to a weird island. There she had to help with the killing of a dangerous robot. Seemed like an impossible task to her, so Jack came along.

He could sense it was a trap and told his wife, but money made her not listen to him. She flew to the island without him. Fortunately, Jack can fly fast.

But it was too late when he reached the island. His wife was dying, after being smashed by a big robot. - Noooooooo! - Huh, Gamma Jack? You also are here! How convenient of you to show up for the big surprise! Syndrome said as he saw the blonde flying to his precious woman. Jack was silently sobbing, as he felt his radiation grow stronger. The anger inside of him made him more powerful. Deep in his bones, straight from inside he shot only one shot on the damn machine and it pierced through it easily. - You destroyed my expensive robot! You will be sorry! I am Syndrome and- Before he could finish his sentence, Gamma Jack was gone in a cave with his wife. She was cold like ice, her body wasn't moving, her heart wasn't beating, and she was bleeding internally as her whole body was crushed like a cockroach.

He wished she was alive. He wanted her to listen to him. Then he found someone's skeleton in the cave. It was Simon's body and goggles. He had written on the wall: "Kronos". - Ah, partner, what is this Kronos leading to?

Jack waited several hours and decided to fly off to his home already. But he was grasped by a giant hook-looking thing. It was just like the robot from before, but this time he had no way to destroy it like before. The claw was so strong that it was suffocating him. He couldn't concentrate at all. The robot shot him with a laser in his head. He might be strong to defeat a robot but is not immortal to kill its next version. Such a sad moment. The third strongest hero died. Syndrome was watching from a camera in the robot and Mirage's heart was aching. She was tired of seeing her childhood heroes dying, especially Gamma Jack.

- Hey Mirage, what's it? You seem unhappy as if you knew this jerk from before. That damn sexist learnt his lesson, didn't he? - Shut up. Two birds down (with almost) one stone.

********

That sounds like a death that Ivan Vazov would write, to be honest. And this was it for today. Tell me if you want more stories about superheroes from The Incredibles, cause I'd definitely enjoy writing more!

July 3rd/4th 2021.

[octopunkmedia]

Hi! My friend and I recently played D:BH and when we dipped a toe into the fandom, we found a LOT of Reed900. That confused us, because we hadn't even seen RK900 after our first playthrough and Reed seemed the opposite of nice. I finally watched your film and I really admire all the work you put into it, but I still don't understand. I love hearing people talk about the things they love, though, so could you explain what it is about RK900 that motivated you to make a whole-ass movie?

I've been in this fandom since literally day one, so I witnessed the origins of Reed900 and its growth personally (at least English speaking fandom. Russian fandom could be quite different). When DBH first came out, HankCon was definitely the dominant ship and primary reason we were all here, with some love going to Connor/Markus and Simon/Markus as well. A lot of people were non shipper fans. And you also had a handful of Connor/Gavin folks but no one gave Reed much development for the first 7 or 8 weeks. And at this time we all saw RK900 as evil. No one had any real "soft" headcanons for him. I remember seeing the Harrison Ford meme go around at that time where Connor was "Baby boy, baby" and RK900 was "Evil."

However, two things happened that changed this. One, a couple people started pointing out some of Gavin's dumb charm, like not being able to say "fuck" properly and winking with both eyes, which softened us to him. On top of that, as Hankcon casefics were written more and more, it started to become common to have Gavin as a background character at the DPD. And in many of these Hankcon fics, there was a subplot about how RK900 showed up and became Gavin's partner (often those stories were from Connor's POV and dealt with his feelings of meeting an upgrade of himself). Coupled with this, a lot of artists like Don Lemefo were making extraordinary beautiful art of Reed900 together, entertaining the concept of them being partners.

The fandom started to agree rather quickly that RK900 and Reed being partnered just made sense - and to me, I think this stems from the HankCon arc in the base game. Take a detective droid like Connor and have the asshole cop learn to love him - but Reed900 inverts many of the Hankcon tropes quite intentionally.

As more fics were written, people gave Gavin the habit of smoking to be "the opposite" of Hank's drinking. They gave Gavin a cat to be the opposite of Hank's dog. Many times Gavin is shown as anxious to contrast with Hank having depression. And then, we kind of can't ignore the big sexy elephant in the room lol. In Reed900, the human detective is generally seen as the bottom, while in HankCon, the human is generally seen as the top (don't @ me, I am speaking in majorities, not absolutes). As for 900, he is often a harder version than Connor - more sarcastic, more "take no shit," more aggressive in his dynamic with his human. I once saw someone say Reed900 was invented to give Gavin a dom, and I can't really disagree with that - although D/s and BDSM fics for HankCon absolutely did exist (there's one called Scratch that comes to mind) Reed900 seemed a more organic outlet for that sort of expression, imo. The fics I saw for Reed900 at that time were much more extreme, much more masochistic, just generally kinkier than it's sister ship.

So Reed900 provides a similar attractive dynamic, but offers a different version of HankCon, and allows writers to start from day ONE of their meeting rather than having the baggage of canon to deal with. Very quickly they started to become of equal importance to the fandom as Hankcon was, often paired up together as sister ships in solidarity. Kind of a Goofus and Galiant double date, where HankCon were loving and doting and Reed900 were the old married couple who called each other "assholes." Of course over time, fandom can't resist fluff, so Reed900 evolved from its BDSM/hatesex roots and a few slow burns like Fuck Pride and Like A Light I'm Luring You, along with some more comedic fics like DPD, cemented the idea that Gavin and 900 could actually LOVE each other. Even in the case of slow burns that were still sexy, like No Strings Attached, the softer side of the ship rose to become what I feel is now the most widespread version of the boys in English speaking fandom. Fanon Gavin was also softer and usually given a lot more redemption and development compared to his canon origin.

It always confuses me when people tell me that DE is the only Reed900 they enjoy because "regular Reed900 is too abusive." I have not seen such a thing in YEARS at this point. The overwhelming majority of Reed900 content created in the past year and a half has been incredibly soft, and very similar to how they are portrayed in Evolution. I did not invent that - it was pulled from all of my experience in fandom. The only thing I can say is that Russian fandom seems to have still held on to the idea of RK900 as a dominant tank, because I get a lot of comments from them about how my Nines is too soft compared to their version of him.

Also regarding the name Nines - I first saw this used in a fic by TerminallyDepraved back in July 2018 or so. Richard was the most popular name at first (a joke of his nickname being "dick", because....Gavin), especially because Brandon McCauley used it in what was, at the time, the most visible Reed900 casefic/slow burn series. It was also the summer of a thousand names of 900 lol, as every damn fic had a different one back then. Kay, Ace, Alex, Conner, Oleg (wtf Russia), Conrad, Conan, Collin, and some just left it RK or R. Over time the Richard name kinda faded for English speakers (although Russia holds it high still) and Nines/RK are pretty much the main ones I've seen for some time. Nines took awhile to catch on, as it's the name of a character in Nier Automata as well and that was hard for some of us to reconcile, but eventually it stuck.

TLDR, why I personally love Reed900 is a whole other story that basically comes down to "I'm Gavin and I need a Nines" (which Austin essentially is for me lol). I love enemies to lovers, I love work partners, and I love the possibilities. HankCon started to wear on me after awhile when I felt like I was reading the same thing over and over, and I eventually fell out of it. I didn't ever get that fatigue with Gavin and Nines for whatever reason. I just love them, more than I hate any of the struggle of making films, so that's the short of it.

Bear in mind this is one person's POV of how the fandom evolved so it's not an absolute truth, especially outside of English fandom. I was primarily on Tumblr and AO3 at the time but things on Twitter Jericho and Discord were not on my radar and may have been different back then (Hankcon was probably a lot hornier on Twitter Jericho than it was on Tumblr, for example).

What you gotta understand about Reed900 fandom though is 1) it wasn't random, 2) it wasn't a fucking "har har crackship" like people dismiss it as and it barely even spent time as a "rarepair", and 3) even though it isn't canon, it is so rooted in fanon at this point that there's a lot for new folks to catch up on, lol. Sorry I'm on mobile and can't put this under a cut rn - hopefully it isn't too annoyingly long. 👀

[alj4890]

And Then I Left You

(Thomas Hunt x oc*Amanda) in a "what if" version to the RCD/TRR fan fic And Then I Met You Series

A/N This was one chapter that I couldn’t find a way to divide up. It’s a tad long, but let’s just say that what we have been waiting on finally happens.

@krsnlove @my-heart-beats-for-ya @aworldoffandoms @flyawayboo​  @trappedinfanfiction @everythingmarvelsherlockspn  @sophxwithers @kate-mckenzie @twinkleallnight

Masterlist

Chapter 6 The Chase is On

Cordonia, The Royal Palace...

Glancing at his door, Drake set his coffee cup down to see who was knocking in a persistent and irritating manner.

"Hey. Where'd you disappear to last night?"

"What were you doing with Thomas Hunt?!" Amanda stormed into his chambers and shut the door. "I thought you were my friend!"

Drake rolled his eyes. "I see you're in your usual, reasonable state of mind."

"Just answer me this." She took a deep breath to try to remain calm. "Are you on my side?"

"Come on, Amanda." He muttered. "Of course I am. That's why Hunt is--"

"I don't want to hear anything about him!" She snapped. "I don't care why Thomas is here." Her eyes narrowed on Drake. "I simply want to know that I can still depend on you to help me if I need it."

He folded his arms. "I'm trying to help. If you would just--"

"That's all I needed to hear." She twirled around and quickly left his room.

Dropping his head back, Drake groaned in frustration. He then searched for his phone to send a group text to Thomas, Liam, and Maxwell.

Drake: A's been by showing that she's just as stubborn as before.

Liam: I will have a talk with her. She can't ignore me during this social season.

Maxwell: 😬 Is this the same A we grew up with? She ALWAYS finds a way to wiggle out of stuff she doesn't really want to face.

Thomas: I think my only chance is to irritate her into finally speaking to me.

Drake: Maybe you can corner her at the derby.

***************

The Derby...

"Now remember, you have to remain pleasant whenever they bring Thomas up." Nadia whispered.

Amanda grit her teeth. "I can fake it for a few minutes."

"That a girl." Olivia encouraged her as she stepped up to talk to the reporters.

"Your grace!" Ana smiled warmly. "Welcome home."

Amanda's answering smile was more natural at that opening to her interview. 

"Thank you." Her eyes lifted to the crowd of people milling about the track. "I didn't realize how much I missed Cordonia until I came back after such a long absence."

"It must have been a surprise to come home and discover that you are to take part as one of Prince Liam's suitors."

"Quite." Amanda shrugged with a smile. "I know though that his royal highness will choose a lady that will make all of Cordonia proud."

"How do you rate your chances?" Ana continued. "Given your closeness over the years, do you think you have a better one than the other suitors?"

"Not at all." Amanda gripped her hands together. "I believe that Prince Liam will give every lady a fair chance to see if they are meant to be his future queen."

Ana's attention drifted over Amanda's shoulder. "There you are!" She motioned for Thomas to come forward. "Perfect timing. I was about to ask how things are going with The Earl's Undoing."

The duchess stiffened when he stepped up next to her and set his arm around her waist.

"Everything is moving along as expected. Our only hiccup is Ryan's need to extend a promotional tour of his last film." Thomas turned toward Amanda. "Lucky for me, her grace has been so understanding."

Amanda felt her cheeks heat up with color. "I'm certain anyone would understand a need to wait on one of their leading actors."

"You'd be surprised how many refuse to hear the real reasons behind delays."

Against her better judgement she lifted her eyes to his.

An apologetic smile formed on his lips. He kept his gaze on her face as he spoke. "I intend on making it up to her grace once everything is ready to begin."

Amanda's eyes narrowed more in confusion than anger. She didn't know what to think about that or any of what he was hinting at. Her curiosity was starting to override her furious pride.

"Does this mean you might have to push back its release date?" Ana asked, interrupting her thoughts.

"Possibly. We will know more once filming begins." He explained.

"Speaking of dates, I noticed that both you and Simone Carmichael just so happen to be here at the same time." Ana grinned at him. "Are you spending these next few weeks with her?"

Thomas had to grip down hard on Amanda's waist to keep her from walking off.

She had lowered her head so that her large sun hat hid her annoyance. He still caught the brief twist of disgust on her lips.

"No. I had no idea Simone was coming here." He bit down on his tongue when he felt Amanda pinch his hand. "From what I gathered, she came here strictly to do a photoshoot for you."

Ana chuckled. "Well, that and I might have hoped once I knew you were here too to help romance along."

"Forgive me." Amanda said sweetly. "But I must join the other suitors."

"There isn't anything to help along with Simone." Thomas gripped a handful of material at the back of Amanda's dress to keep her in place. "I wish her nothing but luck in her career and personal endeavors."

Ana didn't bother to hide her disappointment. Her eyes then lit up when she focused once more on Amanda. "Your grace? You know Thomas well. Which of his recent dates do you think was the most successful?"

Amanda could feel Thomas stiffening next to her. One quick peek revealed his frown firming while he waited to hear how she would respond.

Unable to believe her luck, or rather lack thereof when it came to her own personal romances, a laugh escaped her lips.

Thomas nearly cringed from the sharp, bitter edge he and those who knew her well could only detect in what was usually a warm, carefree sound.

"I wouldn't dare to presume Thomas's heart." She made a show of checking her watch. "I really must be on my way."

"Thank you, your grace." Ana added. "And Thomas," she winked at him, "I'll be watching you and those who visit Cordonia."

"Let. Go. Of. Me." Amanda hissed once they were well past the press.

"I need to speak to you." He insisted.

"You're ruining my dress!" She whispered harshly. "If you let go of me then I will listen."

She couldn't believe he actually believed her lie. Once his fingers eased, she made a mad dash through an opening in the crowd.

"Amanda!" He tried to keep an eye on her as he was forced to pause here and there to keep from mowing people down in his pursuit.

The last glimpse he caught was seeing his escaped lady ducking into the suitors' tent.

*******************

"Riley got into Liam's tent safely." Maxwell whispered. "Operation Big Apple is officially a go."

Nadia giggled. "Good. I hope we can find them a lot of special alone time. It's going to seem so weird to Riley being basically courted like a contestant on a reality show." Her nose wrinkled. "It's a shame they never got to go on real dates before all this."

"It will work out." Maxwell told her. "We'll--" he saw the one who really needed help and waved. "Thomas! Up here!"

"What are you doing?" Nadia didn't bother to whisper. "He's the enemy of our friend!"

"Babe, he's so not the enemy." Maxwell grinned at her anger mounting. "If you would hear him out, you'd know just how bad he has it for our friend."

Nadia hmphed as she watched the still an enemy in her eyes climb the stairs of the section they were seated in.

"How'd it go?" Maxwell asked.

"I was making some headway until Ana brought up Simone being here." Thomas sat down next to them. "Then she escaped before I could get a word of explanation out."

Nadia's delighted smile held a hint of evil.

Maxwell shook his head in exasperation over the two women he knew and loved. "Will you tell my wife," he whispered, "without mentioning a certain someone's name, why you went on those dates?"

Thomas eyed him then frowned at Nadia. He tried not to think too much about how he must be desperate to continually open up to these people who were practically strangers. He had a hard enough time doing so with his own friends. Accepting help from Amanda's had to mean that even he was unaware how much he must love this woman who refused to be near him. 

"I wanted to make certain it was her I wanted instead of just someone."

Nadia's brow furrowed. "You didn't know?"

"I did to some extent. But before I took a chance on ruining our friendship, I wanted to make certain."

"And every one of his dates was a bust." Maxwell added. "Nobody could measure up to our Aman--her."

Nadia looked back and forth between the two. "Oh. Then why did you come early?" 

 Thomas glanced around to make certain no one was listening. "I was asked by someone how I felt about her."

"Key component of operation Big Apple." Maxwell added.

Thomas merely quirked an eyebrow at that cryptic statement before leaning closer. "I told him I am in love with her and he planned on me being here for all this," he gestured around, "so that I could be with her in secret." His eyes flickered to the suitors' tent . "But she won't allow me to tell her how in love with her I am."

Nadia remained silent after his heartfelt confession. Maxwell shared a concerned glance with Thomas at his wife’s unusual reaction to something that would normally make her squeal with fluffy feelings.

"That is the most romantic thing I've ever heard!" Nadia clapped her hands over her mouth.

"And we have one more for team Thomas." Maxwell announced with glee.

******************

The Royal Palace grounds...

Thomas stood off to the side with Drake, Maxwell, and Nadia as the ladies of the court lined up to greet the queen. He scanned the overly eager smiles and excited whispers of many of the young women hoping to catch Liam's eye. A slight smirk formed as he noticed just how uninterested Amanda seemed with it all.

Her facial expression was one of calm neutrality. She didn't gush when Liam walked by, merely curtsied and bowed her head. A genuine smile flashed across her lips when he paused to say hello. Other than that, she might as well have been standing in line for some mundane task.

Once the queen and Liam chose their partners for the croquet game, she and the remaining ladies were forced to follow along and clap politely for them. Thomas caught a few of her eye rolls each time someone complimented the prince on his amazing form with the use of a croquet mallet.

"Things must have gone well in the tent." Nadia whispered. "Look how happy Liam and Riley are together."

"I knew it would." Maxwell boasted. He then noticed Amanda trying to peek over towards them instead of focusing on the game.

Her hat helped shade her eyes as she ever so often turned to look at Thomas. The slight tightening along her lips was the only indication that she didn't understand why those closest to her were hanging out with him.

Thomas noticed and met her gaze with his own questioning glance. Her body stiffened in response before turning her attention back to a game she had always found immensely boring.

"Wow." Drake whispered. "I'm impressed. I've never known a simple look could irritate her that much."

"Will there be mingling anytime soon?" Thomas asked.

"Once all the fawning is done, we'll be able to eat and mingle." Maxwell explained.

"Good." Nadia placed a hand on her stomach when it gurgled. "I hope it's soon."

It wasn't long before Liam and Riley won, causing many to surround him to offer their congratulations.

Drake snorted. "With how they're acting you'd think he just became some conquering hero of a war or something."

Thomas had lost sight of Amanda when the crowd of ladies surged. As Liam politely excused himself, while holding fast to Riley's hand, he managed to get through and find an empty table.

"We better join him before he's surrounded again." Maxwell tugged Nadia along with him.

"You coming?" Drake asked when he noticed Thomas's hesitation.

"I was trying to see where Amanda went." His eyebrows lifted when he noticed her talking to the queen and pointing directly at him.

Her smile was a bit unnerving with the smug triumphant he could so easily see.

Much to his surprise, she began to walk over with the queen just a step ahead of her.

"Your majesty," she said sweetly, "allow me to introduce Mr. Thomas Hunt."

"A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Hunt." Regina greeted him. "Her grace tells me you have quite the interest in Cordonian history."

Thomas blinked. The only history he knew had been interested in was whatever took place in  Amanda’s book. "Er, yes. After reading Amanda's story, I have wanted to see the fields and buildings where it all took place."

Regina smiled in approval. "Then I am most happy to be your first guide."

"My first what?" His brow furrowed.

Amanda laughed softly. "You are a lucky man, Thomas." Her eyes sparkled with imminent victory. "Queen Regina knows every historical happening that occurred on the palace grounds."

"You flatter me, your grace." Regina fondly replied. "Now go and participate with Liam and the others. I will make sure your Mr. Hunt is taken care of."

"You don't need to--"

Amanda curtsied and interrupted his attempt to get out of this. "You are too kind, mam." Her smile grew at Thomas's shock. "And don't believe a word Mr. Hunt says about not wanting this tour. He is afraid of irritating people with his need for extensive detail."

His eyes narrowed at her success with getting rid of him for the remainder of the afternoon. Little did she know that he was not going to go down without a fight.

"Perhaps her grace can join us, since it is her book that sparked this interest."

"She can once the tea is over." Regina took his arm. "Now then, let us start over there with the apple trees that Queen Odette planted for each child she bore."

Thomas frowned at Amanda's unabashed glee as he was forced into this. He knew he should be pleased that she couldn't chance being within the same area as him, but he had intended for today to be the end of her not listening.

He was ready to do whatever was needed to finally tell her what was in his heart. If need be, he would sneak into her chambers and force the issue. Yet...with her anger, she might use that as a way to make him leave her country.

Two hours into the tour, his prayer for escape was answered. Regina was summoned by the king for some matter or another. She quickly gave her apologies and insisted he go enjoy himself at the tea party.

"And do give my apologies to Lady Amanda." She said as she paused at the door. "Let her I know she can tell you even more stories from the past than I can."

"Thank you." Thomas bowed his head. "I intend on claiming her attention as soon as I find her."

***************

Amanda had known as soon as Thomas disappeared with the queen that he would find a way back to the party. There really was only one option she had if she intended to not be confronted once again with whatever he felt the need to talk about.

But how could she sneak away without anyone noticing?

She grimaced at the ruby red dress she had on. It practically screamed designer and had drawn a lot of attention. With the floppy sun hat and heels, she couldn't have been less prepared to escape into the capital. She set her barely touched teacup down and began to walk the perimeter while trying to think of a plan.

"What are you doing?" Drake asked when she walked past him.

"Hmm?" She paused, preparing to glare at him. Then it hit her. If there was one person in the world who knew a way to get out without being seen, it was Drake. "Remember our conversation this morning?"

He eyed her warily. "Yeah?"

"Then let's get out of here." She whispered.

"Why?" He nodded toward the banquet being set up. "You love those pitiful excuses they call sandwiches."

"I'd rather have a cheeseburger."

His eyebrows lifted. "Really?"

"I missed breakfast." She whispered. Which was true since she was afraid of bumping into Thomas in the palace dining room. "This tea isn't going to hold me over until dinner."

Drake hesitated. A big part of him was ready to fall into her plan for his own sake. If he heard one more lady giggle while saying how strong Liam must be to swing his mallet, he would end up saying some kind of snide remark. He hated seeing his best friend be showered with phony attention.

But then again, he had promised to help Thomas with talking to Amanda. Shouldn't he find a way to keep her here so that they could finally put an end to her stubborn refusal? Of course, he could use the time alone with her to help ease the way for Thomas.

"After we eat," Amanda added, hoping to tempt him further, "we could find a place to play a couple of games of pool." She held her purse up. "I'll even buy the first two rounds of drinks."

She really is desperate for a break, he thought.

"Deal." He nodded toward a gap in the hedges. "When I say go, you head straight through there. I'll meet you down the hill in a few minutes."

She beamed at him before doing as she was told. As she hurried down the hill, she couldn't help but chuckle at her finding yet another way to avoid Thomas. Now she wouldn't have to worry about any confrontations or declarations or anything she didn't wish to hear.

This day was turning out better than she thought.

***********************

At a dive bar...

After grabbing a burger at some little hole in the wall place, the two had searched for a bar that they wouldn't be bothered at. The one they decided on was barely lit inside with an occasional neon side here and there. The few patrons sitting at the bar seemed the type to mind their own business and expected others to do the same.

"You sure about this place?" Drake asked. He felt a little uneasy at the type of patrons here.

"It's a bar without nobles or press." She pointed out. "This is exactly what we need." 

The two wandered over to an empty pool table. Drake handed Amanda a pool cue then proceeded to rack the balls.

"You going to finally tell me why we left the tea party so quickly or not?"

Amanda shook her head. "How about a drink?"

He mentally shook his head as she ordered for them both. She was getting worse. Before news of Thomas’s dates had aired, Amanda had been more willing to talk about him.

"Are you going to break or what?" She asked.

Drake leaned down and struck the cue ball.

Two solids went in.

"Guess I'm stripes." She muttered.

Eyeing the other patrons, Drake sidled up next to her. "Maybe we should go somewhere else."

"Why?"

"Because you are in a fancy dress!" He hissed. "A dress that looks like you stepped out of one of those old paintings in the palace with ladies sitting in the gardens or something.

Amanda wrinkled her nose. "I don't think anyone here cares about that."

"Why did you decide to leave the tea party?" He demanded.

She leaned down to line up her shot. "Because I didn't want to stay."

Drake's head dropped forward in frustration. "Why?"

"You know why!" She twirled around to face him causing her skirt to flare out in an elegant spin. "I did not want to be cornered by Thomas again and forced to listen to him talk about his love life!"

"Amanda, do you know why Thomas is here? Alone?"

"I don't." She stuck her nose up in the air. "And I don't want to. What he does is none of my business." She took another shot. "And I intend for us to be nothing but workplace associates."

"And people call me stubborn." Drake grumbled. "Liam invited him here. If you would just--"

"Hey!"

The two turned toward a large, bald, burly man. The black leather vest he wore had on it what appeared to be a bleeding skull and other lovely items of death.

"This guy bothering you?"

Amanda relaxed. "No. But thank you for coming to check on me." She gestured toward Drake. "He is actually a friend of mine."

Casting a warning glare towards Drake, the intimidating man then faced Amanda. "I know you."

She highly doubted it. "You do? Forgive me, but I can't remember our meeting before--"

"You wrote that book." He stroked his beard while staring at her. "What is it called?"

Drake's eyes widened. "You read The Earl's Undoing?"

"That's it!" He snapped toward his other companions.

Four more heavily muscled bound men walked over and was introduced to the duchess.

Drake mentally groaned at the bodily harm that he knew was about to befall him.

Amanda was delighted if he was to go by how bright her smile was directed at the men she was introduced to.

"Did you really like it?" She asked. "I was worried that many wouldn't give it a chance being about people who aren't well known."

"We did." The one introduced as Breaker replied. "My sister has talked of nothing but your book since it came out."

The first one, who said he was known as Crow, spoke up again. "My mom loves it." He smiled, revealing a few missing teeth. "You mind if I call her and have her come here to meet you? She doesn't live far."

Drake cleared his throat while edging around the bikers surrounding Amanda. "We should probably head out. We--"

"Of course I don't mind." She waived off Drake shaking his head. "We can stay another hour or so if you want to call her." She smiled warmly up at Breaker. "If you think your sister might want to also, I would be more than happy to meet her too."

The men excused themselves, yelling to the bartender to give her whatever she wanted and to put it on their tab, and stepped outside to make their calls.

"Okay. We're leaving." Drake whispered. "There's a back door over by the restrooms." He nodded toward the other side of the bar. "I'll go first and--"

"But why?" Amanda sat down on a barstool. "I can't leave with their family members coming here."

"Did you not notice the fresh blood on that one guy's shirt? All the scars? The weapons?" Drake ran an agitated hand through his hair. "These aren't the kind of men you sit down and talk regency romances with!"

"But they approached me about that very thing." She whispered back. "If you want to go on back to the palace, I'll be fine--"

Drake held his hand up to make her stop talking. "I don't know why we're arguing about this. We're--"

"Arguing about what?" Crow asked.

"You sure this guy ain't bugging you?" The shorter of the five asked from over Drake's shoulder.

"I'm sure." She replied with a laugh. "Thank you though, Gearhead." She tilted her head towards Drake. "He's more like a brother to me and likes to try and be an older one at that."

The bikers looked on Drake with some respect.

"Hard enough making a sister do anything, much less one that isn't related." Breaker grumbled.

He slapped Drake on the back. "You're a good man for looking out for her."

"Thanks." Drake managed to say once he was sure no bones were broken.

While the bikers sat down next to Amanda to ask her more about her book, Drake sent a quick text to Thomas.

He knew if there was any chance of getting out of here safely, he would need some help.

******************

An hour later...

Thomas's entrance went by unnoticed.

The only sound in the bar was Amanda, reading her novel before a small crowd of some of the roughest individuals he had ever seen.

They were captivated as she added emotion to the dialogue.

After ordering a drink, he found a seat towards the back that allowed him a perfect view of her.

She gave her thanks as one of the bikers poured her another cup of tea when her voice cracked. She then continued with the passage that held her audience on the edge of their seats.

Elizabeth rode as if the very hounds of hell were nipping at her heels. Every moment that she felt slipping away meant that she might be too late.

"Eliza!" Marija called out. "Turn north!" She whipped her horse to catch up. "It is a shortcut to the abbey."

The two ladies continued down the moonlit road, each praying for the man they loved.

Reginald and Arthur were already in the field that would decide once and for all who would be with Elizabeth.

Arthur removed his great coat followed by his jacket, cravat, and vest. "Here." He handed them to his brother. "I'll fence better being unencumbered."

Reginald did the same. He then tested his rapier, moving it faster than the eye could follow.

"Brother, I beg of you, stop and consider what you're doing," Carlisle spoke in a low tone. "Please, don't do this. Sir Reginald has never been bested. You must--"

"I have to." Arthur snapped. He placed a hand on the younger man' shoulder. "When you lose your heart to someone one day, you will understand."

"This isn't love." His brother insisted. "This has been an obsession, one you refuse to let go."

"Some would say that the two are one in the same." Arthur rolled his wrist, testing the weight of his own rapier. "Now, forgive me, but I must fight for my chance with Elizabeth."

One noble who had journeyed with others to this spot to make certain honor was upheld in the duel motioned the two combatants to the center.

He dropped a handkerchief, causing the two to rush each other. Their swords let out a screech of metal as they slid over each other.

Arthur barely deflected Reginald's strikes.

He really is the best swordsman in Cordonia, he thought.

"Oh!" Crow's mom gasped. "This is my favorite part, your grace."

Thomas knew it was his too. He found himself leaning forward as Amanda continued after thanking the elderly woman dressed from head to toe in leather.

The two fenced, each with a determined fury to be the man to have Elizabeth all for himself.

They ended up face to face during a violent block.

"Elizabeth loves me." Arthur snarled. "She has been mine far longer than yours."

"That might well be so." Reginald spat. "But not only am I in love with her, I'm the only man she has ever been betrothed to. She is my intended. The Queen was the one to settle that Elizabeth will belong to no other but me." His eyes narrowed with the hatred he felt towards this man who dared to try and steal her away. "She is mine by right! Not yours!"

They pushed away and began to strike with more fury.

Each burned with a desire to permanently eliminate the one who stood between him and a lifetime of happiness.

The one that made them doubt that they held Elizabeth's heart.

Breaker's sister sniffed while wiping her tears. "Here it comes." She whispered.

Amanda yelled out Elizabeth's words.

"WAIT! PLEASE!"

The two noble ladies on horseback rode directly onto the field.

Before either could react to seeing the very one they were fighting over,  Elizabeth slid out of her side saddle and ran to Arthur.

The bartender cursed out loud. "Elizabeth chose that bastard over Reginald?"

"Hush!" Breaker's mother told him. "Listen."

"Elizabeth." Reginald whispered, as he saw her take Arthur's hand and yank him further down field.

He gripped his sword. Anger fueled his body as he was forced to see the woman he loved choose another. He took a step forward to finish this duel and destroy Arthur once and for all. Yet something made him halt and watch his Elizabeth talk with the man she had met first.

Crestfallen and heartbroken, Reginald took one last look at the lady who had once been his then turned to collect his things.

I must leave, he thought to himself. Elizabeth deserves to be with the man she loves. I can't take that away from her when all I've ever wanted was for her to be happy.

He handed his rapier to his man servant. He then began to put his coat back on.

He was startled when a pair of arms embraced him from behind.

Turning abruptly he noticed a somber looking Arthur speaking to his brother and Lady Marija.

Elizabeth lifted her eyes to Reginald's face, taking in every feature she adored.

"Eliza," Reginald stepped back and took her hands. His eyes dropped to the ground as he spoke, unable to see her disapproval for his rash actions, "forgive me for trying to take the one you--" he noticed her damp skirt and silk dance slippers.

A surprised yelp escaped her lips when he picked her up and carried her over to a moss covered boulder. Her concern mounted when he knelt before her.

"Reginald, I--" her breath caught as he began to use his discarded cravat to tenderly dry her feet.

"You're going to catch a chill or worse if you remain out too much longer." He took a deep breath to calm his renewed anger over her having such a man to look after her. "Arthur should see you home at once."

Elizabeth cupped his cheek urging him gently to look at her.

"Why would I allow Arthur to take me home when I would much rather be with the man I am in love with?"

Reginald lifted his eyes to hers. "Eliza? Do you mean--" 

"I love you, Reginald." She scooted off the boulder and into his arms. "You are the only man I can ever see myself married to." 

Even in the early blush of dawn, he noticed her cheeks coloring from her admission. As if desperate to prove her heart was his, she slipped her arms around his neck and kissed him. His arms wrapped around her, holding her close as he responded to her sweet touch. When they broke apart to catch their breaths, their smiles were nearly identical with their joy. 

"Eliza,” Reginald pressed her hand to his heart, "my love, my very being is and shall always be yours."

Amanda shut the well worn copy she had been given to read an exert from, thanking the group when they applauded.

She stepped off the stage and began to sign the copies they had brought.

"My lady," one of the bikers placed his hand on her shoulder. "You aren't like those nobles we always read about."

"Thank you, Ink." She patted his heavily tattooed arm. "I promise there are more out there, like Prince Liam, who care and want to listen to the people."

"Your grace," Crow's mom pulled her into a brief hug. "This has been the best surprise yet at this bar." She turned toward the others. "Right?"

Many murmured their agreement while some others spoke of the time Arnie threw a full keg at a guy who came in causing trouble as their favorite surprise.

"Will the movie follow the book, my lady?" Breaker's sister asked.

"Yes, it will."

Amanda whirled around at the sound of the deep voice she knew so well.

"Thomas! What are you doing here?"

He briefly shrugged while moving to stand a little in front of her.

"I plan on it being as if the words Lady Amanda wrote came to life." He explained to the group.

"You're that Hunt guy." Ink narrowed his eyes. "You better have treated our duchess like she deserves."

"Mr. Hunt has been nothing but kind." Amanda quickly spoke up. "He might love my book more than anyone."

"I do." Thomas said softly.

He took her hand and held tight when he felt her trying to tug it away without making a scene.

"If you will excuse us," Thomas met each of the suspicious pairs of eyes on him, "I need to speak to her grace about my plans in Cordonia."

Crow shared a glance with his comrades.

"It's fine with us as long as she wants to go with you." He replied.

Thomas cocked an eyebrow at Amanda.

Seeing no way out of this without causing a problem, she wished the bar patrons a good night and promised to visit again before she left the capital.

Drake breathed easier once they made it out the door.

"That might be one of the weirdest experiences I have ever had." He muttered as they walked to Thomas's car.

"They were sweet." Amanda glanced back at the building. "I never dreamed that people like them would enjoy my-"

"Get in the car." Thomas bit out as he held the door open for her.

She stiffened once more, remembering how angry she was with him. "I think I'll walk."

Drake didn't bother to mask his groan at her response.

Thomas tossed him his keys, told him to drive back to the palace, and grasped Amanda's arm. He guided her on into the night.

"I meant alone." She grumbled.

Thomas remained silent.

She huffed at that. "Why did you come to the bar?"

He abruptly stopped in his tracks. His grip on her arm caused her to stumble back against him.

She looked up at his face made harsher by the shadows and low light of a nearby streetlamp.

"Do you have no knowledge of the danger you placed yourself in? Do you have any idea what they would have done to Drake if those men had not been fans of your novel? To you?!"

His questions struck like a whip as he held tight to her.

She glared defiantly up at him. "I've been on my own for many years, Mr. Hunt. I do realize the danger, yet since those men were gentlemen I saw no need to treat them any differently than someone kind I meet at a palace ball."

"Your stubbornness is going to be the death of me." He let go of her arms, took her hand, and continued to walk the path back to the palace.

She twisted her hand to set it free, then jerked him to a stop once more when he refused to let her go.

"Why were you there?"

"Drake texted for my help in getting you safely out of that bar."

"And why does he have your number? And why are you reading texts?! You hate texting."

His eyes narrowed. "I never hated receiving texts from you."

For some reason that he didn't understand, that made her angrier than anything else he had said to her.

"Why are you mad at me?" He asked. "Is it because of--"

"You never told me!" She shoved away from him when his grip loosened. "We talked everyday, Thomas. EVERYDAY! Texted one another multiple times each day." Her eyes sparkled with tears. "I told you private things about myself that I never shared with any other person." Averting her eyes, she took a shaky breath. "And you couldn't bother to tell me you had begun to date again."

"Amanda, it isn't what you think. Those dates were nothing more than--"

"I don't want to hear it." She stepped out of reach. "I see now that I took advantage of our living arrangement and thought we had a closer relationship than we did." She looked up at him, trying to not let him know how hurt she was. "Like I said at the masquerade ball, I will treat you only with a professional courtesy and not involve you in anything personal."

"If you would let me explain why I did what I did--" his eyes widened when she jogged off to get away from him. "Amanda!"

She paused, gripping handfuls of her skirt. "I only want to know one thing. Why are you invited to the events?"

"Liam invited me." He replied. "He came to my home during his bachelor trip and we discussed you."

"Me?" She paled. "Why?"

"He believed that you have feelings for me and didn't want to possibly choose you when you could be with the one you want."

"He did what?" 

She covered her face. She couldn't believe Liam would do something like this to her. She didn't know if she would ever get over this embarrassment.

"Liam then asked me how I felt about you." He added. "And I told him that I am in love with you."

Her head snapped up. "You told him what? Why?" Her brow furrowed. "Are you trying to protect me from something?"

"No. I told him because I didn't want to lose you in case he decided to choose a friend to marry." Thomas replied. "He then invited me to every social event so that I could secretly be with you."

"Then why the mass amount of dates?" He could hear her anger once more in her tone. "If you are so in love with me that you journey to Cordonia weeks before you planned, why did you date so many different women as soon as I left your home?"

Thomas guided her into a small park near the gate of the palace. He gestured toward a bench for her to sit. When she stubbornly refused to budge, he tugged her over and used his weight to force her down beside him.

"I prefer to stand." She grumbled.

 "And I prefer you sitting beside me." He countered. 

She scoffed while folding her arms and staring off into the distance. 

"I didn't want to take a chance on hurting you." He began. "I--" 

"Hurting me? How?" She removed her sun hat when she bumped him with her trying to face him. 

 He repositioned on the bench and set his arm across the back of it. "I was worried that my attraction to you was formed from you simply being near at hand."

 Amanda's brow furrowed. "I see. So, you decided to start dating to test whether or not that was true?" 

"Yes." He gently brushed a curl back that had been caught up in a breeze. "And every single one of them proved that I wasn't simply lonely." His fingers slid down her cheek. "I was lonely for you." 

Thomas inched closer to her until he could easily slide his arm around her. "When Liam came to my home and told me you were his suitor," he paused, searching for the right words, "I've never felt so hopeless in my entire life. I thought in that moment I had truly lost any possible chance to be with you." 

Amanda lowered her eyes. "I felt the same way when I saw the footage of your dates." 

He cupped her cheek, carefully urging her to look up. "Those dates were nothing. There was no affection, no spark, nothing remotely romantic." 

Her eyes searched his for the truth.

He waited patiently for her to say something about his confession.

Eventually she blew out a frustrated breath. “I don’t know what to think.”

“Would you like us to try and be together in secret?”

She quirked an eyebrow at him. “Would you? You've never struck me as the type of man who enjoys subterfuge.”

A hint of a smile appeared on his lips. “True, but I could last a few months doing so just to be with you.”

“We would have to be so careful.” Amanda blinked in surprise at herself for even considering doing this. “Even this,” she gestured to his arm curving around her, “would cause a scandal. Which, though it would eliminate me from being an acceptable choice for Liam, it would cause a great deal of damage to my standing within the court.” Her nose wrinkled. “I wouldn’t mind that so much but I need their support from time to time for votes that could affect the people of my duchy and for the various charities I am over.”

“Then we will make certain no one sees us.” He pulled her closer. “With your friends assistance, I think we can find time to spend alone.”

She felt her heart pick up speed as it finally registered that not only had Thomas confessed his love for her, but that she was about to do something so daring. 

“Amanda?” He leaned closer to her, giving her time to make a decision. His lips brushed her cheek. 

She swallowed before meeting his lips with a tentative kiss. She should have known that any kiss they shared could not remotely be considered chaste. It was all she could do to keep up with his passionate response.

After a few moments that felt all too brief, he eased away. “We better get you back to the palace before someone notices you're gone.”

“Drake is probably waiting by a side door we usually use to let us in.” she mumbled when his lips brushed hers again.

“Then we shouldn’t abuse his friendship.” He forced himself to move away from her. 

Taking her hand in his, he led her out of the park.

The clock tower chimed the late hour by the time they found Drake leaning against the palace’s east wall with his arms crossed. Noticing that the two were still holding hands without Amanda arguing had him smiling in relief.

“Everything good?” He whispered.

The couple shared a look before both nodding.

“Thank God.” His voice returned to its normal gruff nature. “I was about to resign from trying to convince Amanda to hear you out.”

[echo-three-one]

Whatever It Takes

Sequel to A Forgotten Memory

Roach's stealth skills are put to the test as he sneaks past an alleged Augustus base to capture him and gather intel about the recent EMP based attacks. Will Roach be able to impress Captain Price?

Previous Chapter : Soap - Experiment 001

Chapter 9 to another story made by Ray (echo-three-one) Comments and Reviews appreciated! I hope you enjoy! Love you all ❤️

"A SurPRICE Visit"

Gary 'Roach' Sanderson

Task Force 141

400 meters outside Augustus' Mountain Base

Germany

The winds were picking up when they landed and Roach flew about a few more meters away from Price.

"This EMP blast is messing with my signals. Captain, can you find Roach?" Ghost spoke over comms, his voice crumbled over the static.

"He landed not too far from me. Come on boy, let's get a head on." Price replied to Ghost as he helped Gary get up and untangle himself from his mess. Gary nodded and followed his Captain into the edge of the mountain.

"There it is. Augustus' base." he mused as Gary scoped through his supressed silencer. Trucks were leaving the area filled with armed hostiles.

"Ghost, you see this? They're leaving the hive." Price informed the recon man.

"Aye, sir. Looks like they're headed to Alex's direction. If we time this right you'll have less people inside there." he replied. Gary wondered why they were leaving. It didn't make sense to back-up an already reclaimed base back at Alex's.

"Let's go Roach. I'll take the one on the left tower, you take the one on the right. I'm currently spotting four Tangos by the gate. Fire when ready." Price instructed. Roach took a deep breath to steady his sights, quickly pulling the trigger once the crosshairs aligned with their heads.

"Good kill. Your sniper skills are improving, Sargeant." Price mused as he signaled them to move forward. For a Captain who's left him a solid first impression as a strict angryman, Roach didn't expect the kind words from him. It almost felt overwhelming.

"You go ahead and take what's important inside that guardhouse. I'll cover you from this position." he commanded and Gary sprung safely into action, switching to his suppressed pistol and into the guardhouse.

It was simple, a few cameras, some photos of people who they let in and a few map layouts. Gary quickly snapped all of them for Ghost to see. Roach also grabbed the radio and placed it near his ear. Gary set his sights on an AK-47 lying on the ground.

"Roach, be careful when using unsuppressed weapons. It might reveal our existence." Price muttered to which he nodded. It just made sense.

"Jäeger, kopierst du?" the radio muttered. Roach's German wasn't on point and any non-reply from the other end would result in an investigation.

"Ja, alles klar." he replied, trying to replicate the accent. There was no more reply on the other side which meant Gary actually nailed his reply.

"Captain, behind that door is heavily guarded. I suggest a reroute to the back door just a few meters east of your position. This isn't Augustus' base, it's a remote research facility studying plant life by the border and he seemed to take it over." Ghost informed after gathering the photos, Gary waited on the edge of the wall covering his Captain's six. The duo proceeded as suggested and climbed over an unguarded fence.

"We're at a greenhouse. Labeled 6." Price whispered.

"Do you see any cameras?" Ghost asked.

"Yeah. Looking at the plants." he muttered.

"Circle around it and find cover behind the safehouse labeled 5. If my German is correct, the central area should have 2 scientists on their way in there." Ghost informed.

"Right on schedule." Price nodded to Roach as they both knocked them down quietly and non-lethally as they were civilians. Gary quickly slung his weapon and hid it behind the huge white lab coat the both of them now wore.

"Keep your weapons hidden, until I say so. Okay?" Price said as he pulled the bodies somewhere hidden. Gary nodded as they confidently waltzed inside the base, using their fake ids pinned on their coats for entry.

Gary watched a lot of sci-fi fics and most of them depicted labs as white walled, glass-divided rooms with hundreds of scientists working on some random machineries. Except here, it's plants. It seemed normal as if they infiltrated the wrong base. Price seemed to worry too, his steps were further apart and he seemed to be in a hurry. They were losing hope on a lead, until one armed guard, different from those outside started climbing up the stairs.

"Finally. Some good news." Price muttered as they made their way up the stairs.

"Authorized personnel only." an armed guard stood by the steps blocking the duos way. It was too crowded and too risky to engage him and press through and they both needed a new plan.

"Es tut mir leid." Gary replied as he pulled Price to the restrooms.

"It's no use. We can't go guns ablazing right here." he noted to his Captain.

"Bollocks." he cursed.

"We need a diversion." He added.

"Way ahead of you, Sir." Gary smirked and showed him his c4 trigger, pushed it and an explosion followed.

"Nice. By the guard house?" Price asked while they waited for reinforcements to assist the blast.

"Yeah."

"Quick thinking lad. I like that."

Several armed men came rushing down the stairs, yelling in a different language, all going to the exit. They stomped to the stairs and carefully breached the second floor of the building, shooting armed tangos using suppressed weapons. They had to act fast and stomp on their comms as soon as they're down so that the others outside will not fall back.

Ten guards were left behind to protect the second floor, and with the help of stealth, Gary and Price took them out smoothly. All that's left are the intel waiting to be harvested.

Gary snapped all possible evidence, every nook and cranny was investigated while Price tapped his heavy fingers on the keyboard.

"Looks like they're going large. They're planting something by the major cities cell towers. Here's one in Berlin." he muttered, printing a copy of the blueprints.

"Price! R-ch" Ghost's static crackled across their comms.

"Th- found- guards!

Get. Out. There. NOW." he added.

"Kill every civilian in there. That will let our little friends out of the shadows. I know they're after us…" a menacing voice said over Roach's stolen receiver.

"Shite. They're killing civvies." Gary said, worried.

"I'm sorry Roach. But we can't save them. It's a trap. Now protect that camera and let's get the fuck out of here." Price consoled as they continued pressing on toward the exit.

Screaming people followed by gunshots echoed across the white halls of the research facility, Gary didn't want to look back, Gary didn't want to hear any more screaming but it was all around him. Whoever commanded this act to be done must be eradicated from this world.

LOCAL MILITIA SETTLEMENT

Alex greeted the duo as soon as they stepped inside the village. It felt lively as everyone was celebrating their victory.

"Captain." Alex nodded and Price returned the gesture with a handshake.

"This is Blitz. Their leader." he added, introducing the man to Price.

"Thank you for helping us." Price acknowledged.

"No. Thank you for helping us. You have good men fighting for a good cause." he remarked, nodding at Alex and Gary. Gary also got acquainted with the leader, exchanged a few words and got offered soup.

"Tough day, huh?" Alex nudged over Gary, who's still sad about the situation earlier.

"You and me, both." Gary muttered as Alex patted his shoulder.

"We'll get him soon enough, Roach. Justice will be served." Alex consoled as Gary took a deep sigh.

"They're planting EMP bombs on major cell towers. Maybe incorporating it with them to perform large scale blasts." Gary pondered, taking a sip off the delicious soup.

"Yeah. That's our go signal. It's now a terror activity. Imagine a day without communication. International trade would crumble." Alex explained to which Gary nodded in agreement.

"Global cripple. People's minds get hurt, Economy gets hurt and we aren't focused enough to defend ourselves."

"That's what he's up to." Gary finished.

"And we have to stop it. Whatever It Takes." Alex looked at Gary with determination, that kind of pep talk that makes him a little less sad.

"Yeah." Gary agreed.

~

Another briefing, but this time, it was going somewhere. Operation Burn, the task is to eliminate Nero and all his allies, if possible. Funny enough, the real Nero burned everyone else. Whoever thought of this name was smart enough to connect the dots.

There's another person added to the team, the redhead leather jacket agent, Alexandra Ryder. An interpol agent tasked to destroy all traces of said EMP machinery. She looks tough, acts tough and basically is tough. France seemed to be going along well with her. That's a bonus for alliances such as these.

"So, I heard Price noted your sniper improvement." Ghost nudged.

"Yeah. Thanks Simon. Your training sucks but it helped a lot." Gary complimented.

"Tried talking to France and the new girl today." Ghost reported. Gary turned to him, clearly interested about his story.

"It was actually good. They're both intimidated by the mask and that's why they can't initiate conversation with me. But the talk went pretty well so I guess you needed to update your scoreboard or something." He muttered.

Gary chuckled. "That's one step towards her."

"I'll let the Interpol handle Berlin. Since it involves just the weapon, as for other news. I think it's time to transfer our two hostages back to the USA." Gary quickly turned his head back to the screen. No. It can't be. He had to stop this decision.

"With all due respect sir. I do not agree with this!" Gary stood up and all eyes were on him. He's still concerned about the welfare of the two plus he didn't want Maxine to leave. Not yet.

"I've read the report on their case sir. And it's not that I don't trust the system there but what if there's still another one in there with ties to Nero. He was able to slip by under our noses once or more times than that but let's consider the possibilities here." Gary explained as he looked around. Alex seemed to agree with him.

Shepherd let out a soft sigh.

"We'll discuss this possibility Sgt. Sanderson. You can sit down now." he said and resumed briefing.

"Brave move you did there, soldier." Ghost remarked as Gary let out a sigh. He wasn't sure on he's really concerned, the IP Address being extracted from Samantha or Maxine's smile that he will be missing if she left.

Next Chapter : The Heart Knows what the Brain doesn't

Notification Squad, my beloved

@samatedeansbroccoli @smokeywhalee @whimsywispsblog @enderio @beemybee @ricinbach

[rocknvaughn]

New Colin Morgan Interview with Edge Media Network about Benjamin - UPDATED

I am reblogging this because, after the author was made aware of an error in the posting of his article (if anyone clicked through to read it on the site, there was a whole question and answer that was repeated), the error was corrected and another three questions and answers were added! I am correcting it here, but they were very interesting, so I suggest you read the full article again!

I shall post the link at the bottom, but I wanted to type it out so that non-English speakers could more easily translate it. (This article was listed in their “Gay News” section of the site, hence the focus on the gay roles.)

British Actor Colin Morgan: How the Queerly Idiosyncratic ‘Benjamin’ Spoke to Him

by Frank J. Avelia

In writer-director Simon Amstell’s sweet, idiosyncratic, semi-autobiographical comedy, “Benjamin,” Colin Morgan plays the titular character, an insecure filmmaker trying to resuscitate his waning career (at least it’s waning in his mind) after one major cine-indie success. Benjamin is also doing his best to navigate a new relationship with a young French musician (Phenix Brossard of “Departures”).

Thanks to the truly endearing, multifaceted talents of Morgan, Benjamin feels like an authentic creation--one that most audiences can empathize with. Sure, he’s peculiar, has a legion of self-esteem issues and an almost exasperating need for acceptance as well as an inconvenient talent to self-sabotage the good in his life. But who can’t relate to some or all of that?

“Benjamin” is one of the better queer-themed films to come out in recent years, in large part because it eschews emphasis on the queer nature of the story. Instead, the film is a fascinating character study with Morgan slowly revealing layers and unpacking Benjamin’s emotional baggage.

Morgan is a major talent who has been appearing across mediums in Britain for many years. His London theatre debut was in DBC Pierre’s satire, “Vernon God Little” (2007), followed by the stage adaptation of Pedro Almodovar’s “All About My Mother” (2007), opposite Diana Rigg. Numerous and eclectic stage work followed (right up until the Corona shutdown) including Pedro Miguel Rozo’s “Our Private Life” (2011), where he played a bipolar gay, Jez Butterworth’s dark comedy, “Mojo” (2013), Arthur Miller’s “All My Sons” opposite Sally Field (2019), and Caryl Churchill’s “A Number” (2020), to name a few.

His TV work includes, “Merlin” (playing the wizard himself), “Humans” and most recently, in a very memorable episode of “The Crown”. Onscreen he can be seen in “Testament of Youth”, “Legend” with Tom Hardy, “Snow White and the Huntsman” and Rupert Everett’s take on Oscar Wilde, “The Happy Prince.”

He’s played a host of gay roles in the past on stage, screen and TV.

EDGE recently interviewed the star of “Benjamin” about the new film and his career.

Why Benjamin?

EDGE: What drew you to this project and were you part of its development?

Colin Morgan: It’s always the strength of the script for me on any project and Simon’s script was just so well observed, he managed to combine humor and poignancy in delicate measure and when I first read it I found myself being both tickled and touched. Then reading it again and from “the actor” POV... I knew it would be a real challenge and uncharted territory for me to explore. I auditioned for Simon and we tried it in different ways and then when I was lucky enough for Simon to want me on board, we began to work through the script together, because it was clear that this was going to be a very close working relationship... it was important for the level of trust to be high.

EDGE: I appreciated that this was a queer love story where the character’s queerness wasn’t the main focus. Was that also part of the allure of the project?

CM: I think Benjamin’s sexuality is just quite naturally who he is and therefore that’s a given, we’re on his journey to find meaning and love and there’s certainly a freshness to what Simon has written in not making sexuality the main focus.

Great chemistry

EDGE: Can you speak a but about the process involved in working with Amstell on the character and his journey?

CM: Simon and me worked very closely over a period of weeks, at that time prior to shooting I was doing a theatre project not far from where he lived so I would go to him and rehearse and discuss through the whole script all afternoon before going to do the show that night, so that worked out well. It’s so personal to Simon, and to have had him as my guide and source throughout was fantastic because I could ask him all the questions and he could be the best barometer for the truth of the character; a rare opportunity for an actor and one that was so essential for building Benjamin. But ultimately Simon wanted Benjamin to emerge from somewhere inside me and he gave me so much freedom to do that also.

EDGE: You had great chemistry with Phenix Brossard. Did you get to rehearse?

CM: Phenix is fantastic, Simon and me did chemistry reads with a few different actors who were all very good but Phenix just had an extra something we felt Benjamin would be drawn to. We did a little bit of rehearsal together but because it was a relationship that was trying to find itself there was a lot of room for spontaneity and uncertainty between us, which is what the allure of a new relationship is all about, the excitement and fear.

Liberating process

EDGE: Did your process meld with Amstell’s?

CM: I’ve said this a lot before and it’s true, Simon is one of the best directors I’ve worked with. Everything he created before shooting and then maintained on set was special. We always did improvised versions of most scenes and always the scripted version too. It was such a creative and liberating process. That is exactly the way I love to work. And for a director to maintain that level of bravery, trust and experimental play throughout the whole shoot stands as one of the most rewarding shooting experiences I’ve had.

EDGE: When I spoke with Rupert Everett about “The Happy Prince,” he very proudly boasted about his ensemble. Can you speak about working with Rupert as he balanced wearing a number of creative hats?

CM: Again, this was an extremely rewarding project to work on and quite a similar relationship as with Simon in the respect that Rupert was the writer/director and Oscar Wilde is so personal to him. And then we also had many scenes together in front of the camera, so Rupert and me had a real 3D experience together. It was a long time in the making. I was on board, I think, two years before we actually got shooting so I had a lot of time to work with Rupert and rehearse. He really inspired me, watching him wear all the different creative hats, such a challenging and difficult job/jobs to achieve and he really excelled--plus we just got on very well.

Playing queer roles

EDGE: You haven’t shied away from playing queer roles. Do you think we’re moving closer to a time when a person’s sexual orientation is of little consequence to the stories being told, or should it always matter? Or perhaps we need to continue to evolve as a culture for it to matter less or not at all...

CM: That’s a hard question to answer, I think certainly the shift in people’s attitudes has changed considerably for the better compared to 40 years ago, but there will always be resistance to change and acceptance from individuals and groups whether it be sexuality, religion, race, gender--we’re seeing it every day.

Evolution is, of course, inevitable, but if we can learn from the past as we evolve that would be the ideal. Unfortunately, we rarely do learn, and history repeats itself.

EDGE: You were featured prominently in one of my favorite episodes of the “The Crown” (”Bubbikins”) as the fictional journo John Armstrong. Can you speak a bit about working on the show and with the great Jane Lapotaire?

CM: I had an exceptionally good time working on “The Crown.” Director Benjamin Caron, especially, was so prepared and creative, and made the whole experience so welcoming and inclusive. It was an incredibly happy set, with extremely talented people in every department, and I admired the ethos of the whole production and have no doubt that’s a huge ingredient to its success, along with Peter Morgan’s incredible writing.

I was also a fan of the show, and it was an honor to be part of the third season. And I can’t say enough amazing things about Jane Lapotaire. We talked a lot in between filming, and I relished every moment of that.

EDGE: You’ve done a ton of stage work. Do you have a favorite role you’ve played onstage?

CM: I’ve been so lucky with the theatre work I’ve done, to work with such special directors and work in wonderful theatres in London. I’ve worked at the Old Vic and The Young Vic twice each, and they’re always special to me. Ian Rickson is a liberating director, who I love. It’s hard to pick a favorite, because the roles have all been so different and presented different challenges, but, most recently, doing “A Number,” playing three different characters alongside Roger Allam and directed by Polly Findlay, was a really treasured experience, and I never tired of doing that show, every performance was challenging as it was.

Miss the rehearsal room

EDGE: You were doing “A Number” earlier this year. Did you finish your run before the lockdown/shutdown?

CM: Just about! We had our final performance, and then lockdown happened days later. I feel very sorry for the productions that didn’t get the sense of completion of finishing a run. I mean, finishing a full run leaves you in a kind of post-show void anyway, even though you know it’s coming, so to not know it’s coming and have it severed must be even more of a void.

Memories of performing just months ago seem like such an unattainable thing in this COVID world right now. I can’t tell you how much I’m hoping we get back to some semblance of live performance.

EDGE: What was it like to appear onstage opposite Dame Diana Rigg in “All About My Mother?”

CM: Well, I think “iconic” is an apt word for both the experience of working with Diana and the lady herself. In between scenes backstage we used to talk a lot and we got told off for talking too loudly, so Diana began to teach me sign language and we would spell out words to each other, maybe only getting a couple of sentences to each other before she was due on stage and I had to get into position for my next entrance-- we did a radio play together two years ago and she remembered, she said, “Do you remember A-E-I-O-U?” signing out the letters with her hands.

EDGE: None of us knows the future in terms of the pandemic and when we might return to making theatre. I’m a playwright myself and find it all supremely frustrating but I’m trying to remain hopeful! Where are you right now in terms of the standstill we are in and what the future might hold?

CM: Yes, I’m so worried for theatre. It’s a devastating blow. I’m sure as a playwright, you know that the creative spirit in individuals hasn’t been diminished by this virus. People are creating important art in this crisis but we need the platforms to present it and bring people to some light again out of this really scary period, but it needs to be safe and it’s a worrying time. The virtual theatre approach must be looked at I think. We need to experiment and find new paths at least for the time being. I’m involved in developing some things right now and how we can work on things in both an isolated and collaborative way. It’s entirely counterintuitive to what the family-feel and close bond of a group in a rehearsal room is like-- I miss the rehearsal room so much!-- but we can’t sit still, we must create and we must act.

What’s in a role?

EDGE: Looking back on the great success of “Merlin,” what are your takeaways from that experience?

CM: Some of the most treasured memories of my life will forever be connected to “Merlin,” the cast, crew, production, everyone! The invaluable training of being in front of a camera every day! The chance to inhabit a character and live with him for five seasons! There’s too much to list and words probably won’t do justice anyway, but I’m truly grateful for everything the show gave me.

EDGE: How do you select the roles you play?

CM: I guess they select me in a way. I can’t play a role unless it speaks to me and provokes me in some way, but ultimately it’s the characters that I have a fear about playing, not knowing how I’m going to enter into the process of living them, when I don’t have all the answers it’s a good indicator of a character I must play. If I have all the answers, there’s less scope for exploration and discovery which isn’t as interesting for me.

Link here

[walkerwords]

“The Bourbon Drinker and the Brute” Negan x F!Reader

Summary: When you are trying to relax mid-apocalypse, Negan comes across you while he is on his way back to Alexandria, dragging Rick and Carl along. What happens when he tries to engage with you in conversation? Will you humor him? Essentially, you meet Negan while he's on the road and you are less than impressed.

Word Count: 1944

Warning: mention of past abuse, swearing, drinking, negan being negan

Song I Wrote To: “Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked” by Cage The Elephant

Notes: This is also posted on my AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23147752

-----

The apocalypse was not something you would have thought would happen while you were alive. 

The Dead rising? That was something that was from movies and comic books, not seen from your backyard. You had been on your own since the start of the infection and would occasionally find groups, but it never lasted longer than a few weeks. You started to realize that maybe the humans were worse than the dead.

Everyone knew that some of the Living were trying to build a new world order. There was talk about communities rising out of the rubble, but you always stayed clear of any place that had barbed wire and walls. It wasn’t ideal to be on your own all the time, but you figured it was better than being under the rule of someone who felt the need to be the new advocate for humanity. Especially when they had guns. 

Shortly after the initial wave of the Dead, you found out that noise was the worse thing. You had a pistol, still did for emergencies, but your preferred weapon was the bow in your hands and the quiver on your back. You learned to shoot at a young age. Your grandfather was an archer and your mother as well. It was her bow that you carried. You didn’t know if either of them were still alive, but you kept that hope in your heart as you made your way across the southern states of America.

Sleep was hard to come by and being alone meant nobody was there to be a lookout. You started by locking yourself in old hotel rooms and abandoned schools, but you soon found that being indoors only made the Dead smell you more and so you took to the outdoors whenever the weather allowed it. Your favourite place was trees and you’ve even been lucky to find empty tree houses in which you removed the ladders and scaled the trees. You made camp there until you ran out of supplies and had to be on the move once again.

On the rare occasions that you ran into people, you stayed hidden and prayed that they wouldn’t discover you. It happened a lot at first, but now, people were rare in the more rural areas. Either they had found shelter, fell victim to the Dead, or they had even joined the Dead themselves. It was just the way it was, people weren’t around anymore.

However, that changed the day you met a group that terrified and also annoyed you to no end. You knew you were risking it being so close to what you called a safe haven. It was reckless to be in a territory you knew was run by armed men and women, but supplies were short and so you had to make runs. A recent one gained you a new bottle of bourbon that was not only delicious, but much needed.

So, there you were, laying in the bright Southern sun, on the ledge of an abandoned pedestrian bridge. Both sides had been blown out by someone or torn apart by something and barricaded to restrict access, so you had to climb a few of the overgrown vines. However, you were just glad to be up high and even let your right leg swing lazily off the side.

It was around midday when you were keeping your ears open for the dead and you heard the rumbling of multiple cars. It wasn’t unheard of to hear the odd engine, but nowadays it was rare. You tried to stay clear of the people in the area and now you were regretting the bourbon run even more so. You kept your breathing even as the procession of vehicles stopped before your bridge and many men and women filed out of the cars, guns in hand. You lazily lift your bottle to your lips. It’s nearly empty and you’re enjoying it till the last drop. You take another pull when you hear the brutish voice from down below.

“Well, well, well, what do we have here?” You prop yourself up onto your elbows, securing yourself with your dangling leg, and look down at the man. He is clearly the leader. He wears a wolfish grin on his stubbled face and a leather jacket on his back. In his right hand, he holds a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire.

He swings it up onto his shoulder as he looks up at you, “Looks to me like we have a little loner here, hey Rick?” The brute looks over his shoulder at another man who looks as if he’d rather be anywhere else than near the man with the bat. A kid is next to the one called Rick, his son, you guess due to the matching expression that was a near mirror to the first man. You take another drink, getting to the end of the bottle. “What’s your name, Darlin’?” the first man asks. 

“Not ‘Darlin’,” you shoot back. He whistles, pressing his hips forward like a bad Travolta impression.

“Well, aren’t you something? What are you doing up there all by your lonesome self?” You raise the bottle so he can see it better. 

“Drinking,” You call back. You lift it to your lips and down the rest of the bourbon. He watches you, clearly amused. When you’re done, you drop the bottle off the side of the bridge. It breaks against a boulder, shattering into many pieces. “Sorry, that was my last bottle.”

“Fuck, you really are a little spitfire.” You stare down at him. “Still waiting on that name,” he says and since he didn’t use some ridiculous pet name, you humor him.

“(Y/n),” you say. 

“Well, (y/n),” he smiles and a laugh comes right after, “why don’t you come down from there?” You glance at the army at his back. It becomes obvious he is a leader of one of the nearby forts that make you nervous. However, you would be lying if you said he didn’t make you curious.

“I think I’m good up here, Bruce,” you shoot back. He frowns at the name you give him. 

“The name’s Negan,” he says.

“I think it's a joke,” The kid next to Rick says, gaining Negan’s attention. “Bruce as in Bruce Wayne. Batman.” The kid gestures to the baseball bat on Negan’s shoulder. Negan howls at your bad joke, reaching over to slap the kid on the shoulder who tries not to shake off the man’s hand. 

“I hate to break it to you, sweetheart, but I ain’t no fucking superhero,” Negan says.

“Neither was Batman,” you finish, causing him to laugh again. 

“Well, okay then. So, listen (y/n), here’s what I want,” You cut him off. 

“Oh, I know what you want. You’re one of them looters. You want my supplies. But here’s the thing, I only have the clothes off my back, the knife in my boot, and a bow without arrows. A bow that you’d have to kill me for and tear from my undead hands if you want it. So, keep moving, Bruce, and leave me to get some much-needed sleep.” Negan whistles gaining timid laughter from behind him. Rick was looking between you and the brute as if trying to figure out who was going to win. 

“I ain’t too fucking keen on people telling me what to do, Darlin’,” You lay back down, swinging your leg once again. 

“Name’s not ‘Darlin’, Bruce, and the way I see it is that you can either get back into your car and leave me the hell alone or you and your merry men can drag my ass off this bridge and put a bullet in my head twice over,” You say bluntly. The group was quiet, clearly not expecting those words to come out of your mouth.

“How about this?” Negan says, “I see a third option.”

“I don’t,” you call. He was quiet again. “I’ve survived alone for a long time. I tried it with people before and it did not end well for me or them. Therefore, I’ll take my chances because either the Dead kill me or you do,” you look down at him, narrowing your eyes, “your move.”

“You just love to be disrespectful, don’t you?” Negan taunts.

“It’s the damn apocalypse, honey, respect is pointless.” Light entered his eyes as if he had finally met his match. “So,” you continued, “with the utmost respect, fuck off.” Immediately, you hear a gun cocked in your direction and you move. You notch an arrow, spinning onto your left knee, raise your bow and pull back. You aim at the man with the mustache to Negan’s right.

Negan glances between his man and your steady hands. “Thought you didn’t have any fucking arrows,” Negan calls. 

“I lied,” you sneer.

“Simon, drop your fucking weapon,” Negan orders and he does. Negan then hands the bat to the kid who takes it as if he has been asked to do it before. Negan takes a couple of steps closer to you and you retrain your weapon on him. He raises his hands. “No need for violence, a pretty thing like you shouldn’t be concerned with the likes of me.”

“Call me a stupid pet name one more time,” you warn, keeping him in your sights. 

“I’m assuming the last man who called you that didn’t get an arrow pointed at him,” Negan grins.

“You’re right,” you nod, “he just got a knife to the groin. Sudden castration is an unfortunate side effect of being a rapist.” Something flares in his eyes and you could tell that even if he was a killer, Negan would never lay a hand on a woman uninvited.

“That why you’re alone?” he asks. 

“Beats the alternative.”

“Yes ma’am it does,” he says. “I’ll tell you what Miss (y/n), you’re a fucking fighter and I respect that. So I will remember you. You stay out of my way and I’ll stay out of yours. That sound good to you, Grimes?” He asks Rick.

Rick nodded to him with a sigh of relief. Rick then met your eyes and nodded to you. You decided then and if you were to cross paths with them again, Rick would be the one you’d trust.

You lower your weapon.

“I’d say we have a deal...Negan,” you say. The brute smiles up at you. Then from his jacket, he produces a small bottle. He tosses it up to you. You catch it and smile at the small bottle of whiskey. 

“Peace offering,” he says. “I’ll see you again, (y/n). Dead or alive, we’ll cross paths again,” Negan says as he struts back to his truck. The kid hands Negan the bat back and Negan gets into the driver’s seat. You keep a firm grip on your bow as the vehicles cross under the bridge. You watch until they disappear over the hill in the distance.

Tucking the mini bottle into your boot, you lay down and listen to the groaning of the dead in the distance. Your heart slowly leaves your throat. You hadn’t been that scared in a long time. You had perfected the mask to keep people at bay, but you knew that if he had been any closer, he would have seen the sweat on your brow and the slight shaking of your leg. You only hope that Negan didn’t see through it and that he would keep his word.

You stay out his way and he would leave you alone. Problem was, a part of you didn’t know if you wanted him to leave you alone and that scared the hell out of you even more.