#i started actually eating and making sure i get enough protein and got muscle practically overnight

[artisanalpeanutbutter]

Important update:

I have become the douchebag who drinks protein shakes

[miekasa]

M-mie could we get some athlete boyfriend eren hcs too if you don’t mind, please and thank you😩

He is: my boyfriend, and I love him dearly. Perfect amount of himbo and athlete without being a jock, everybody give it up for Eren for being my dream boy <3

Eren plays sports year round, with the exception of maybe one or two winter seasons, just because his school/work/home life was too busy for athletics at those times. Otherwise, he’s always go something to practice for: soccer in the fall, hockey in the winter, and his choice of baseball or basketball in the spring.

He’s not a varsity athlete; that is, he’s not “committed” to any one team, so he’s not tied to playing one sport every year, nor are his academics linked to his athletics, or vice versa. He’s just a pretty athletic guy, and he’s got a lot of energy, and he enjoys sports, so naturally he plays whenever he can.

As it turns out, it does help him with his academics. Knowing he’s got practice the majority of the week forces Eren into building a schedule that prioritizes both schoolwork and sports so he can enjoy them equally. It teaches him to be independent in a way that he wasn’t expecting, but he’s come to really love.

And because he loves it, he doesn’t mind working hard for it. Liking the way he’s set it up for himself encourages him to do his best in both areas. It’s really just good for him all around: a good outlet fo his energy, a good way to spend his time, a good way to keep his grades in check, and a good way to keep himself comfortably happy and busy.

His appetite is insatiable, so it’s only dramatized when playing sports. He takes the all you can eat in all you can eat sushi a little too seriously.

The thing is… he’s a shit cook, too, so it’s not like he’s meal prepping to make sure he’s satisfying his appetite. He just buys a shit ton of food whenever he’s hungry. He’s always asking you if you wanna grab food, and part of it is to ensure that you’re eating—not as much as him, but eating nonetheless—but part of it is that he just likes sharing meals with someone.

He also doesn’t like to eat alone, so even if you only have your ten California rolls to his forty six spicy tuna rolls, that’s fine; he just wants the company.

That’s also why even if you say you’re not hungry, he’ll drag you out to eat with him anyway. And you’ll probably get fed some of his food even if you don’t order anything and insist that you’re not hungry because, “It’s really good, baby, just try it—just one bite, it’s okay I’ve got plenty left!”

He usually keeps a few granola bars and chips and other snacks of his liking on him. But because of Eren’s nature, he keeps them on you, too: in your car, in your backpack, in your apartment/dorm. You’ll meet him after class and he’ll kinda just start walking behind you, and you realize he’s opening your backpack, and you don’t even have time to question him before he’s pulling a bar out of the smallest pocket with a smile and munching on it.

Sometimes you come home and see his little protein shakes in your fridge. You definitely didn’t put them there, but you don’t move them, either. When you stock up on more when they’re running low, Eren contemplates marrying you.

If it’s been a hard week of practice or school, he tends to get sleepy when studying (usually when studying for his least favorite class, no coincidence there). He’ll close his laptop, put his hood up, and scooch his chair closer to yours before leaning his head on your shoulder.

He gets increasingly clingier the longer he naps; hand wrapping around your waist, nose poking at your neck. He’s not so subtly trying to hint that he wants you to quit studying and take him home to cuddle instead. If you don’t get the message, expect him to shut your laptop for you.

When you protest, Eren just looks at you with pouty lips and tired eyes, “Chemistry sucks anyway. Wanna nap, and also wanted you to do that thing with your hands when you massage my back for me.” (He then promptly falls asleep mid-massage on your bed).

He’s actually got a waiver to see a physical massage therapist because of how frequently he’s exercising. On occasion, he goes, but he claims he likes your massages much better. Also because he’s hesitant about a stranger touching him and once he moaned when the guy was working on his back and Eren swears it was one of the most embarrassing moments of his life.

He doesn’t get upset if you can’t make it to every game, but he does like it when you show up. Gets all cheesy and cocky with his arm around your shoulder, going on about how, “You’re my good luck charm, baby. I play better when you’re watching, you know?”

He has so much team clothing, from sweats to hoodies to t-shirts to socks. All he asks is that you wear something on game days, even if you can’t be there to support him while he’s playing. And that you keep one or two things for yourself anyway. He’ll put them in your closet for your if you don’t take them yourself <2

Because seeing you in his hoodie is always great, but his team hoodies are extra special, because they’ve got his name and his number on them. Whenever you’re wearing one, he trails just a half step behind you so he can see JAEGER printed on your back while you walk. Something about you wearing his last name around is… enticing, to say the least.

Even if it’s not the clothes branded with his name, Eren’s got a thing for you in sweats and/or workout clothes, so he’ll toss them at you whenever you sleep over. He’s always handsy, even if you’re just wearing an Under Armour shirt with the school’s logo on it; the material of it, and knowing that it’s his just makes him want to keep his hands on you.

Truthfully, he doesn’t workout all that much outside of practice. Occasionally, he’ll go to the gym with some of his teammates if they need a buddy, or go himself to stretch or take one of the free classes, but he doesn’t have a strict schedule for it. If you go to the gym, he’ll follow you if you ask, tho.

Turns out something that he does like is yoga. He’s not particularly flexible lmfao, but the stretching helps with muscle pain and tension, and he kinda finds the whole atmosphere of it relaxing. He’s still not so great at the meditation part of it, but he’s getting there.

(Actually, it’s pretty cute because on Tuesday and Thursdays, the yoga classes at the gym on campus are open-level and beginner friendly. That’s when the majority of the athletes show up, and you see people like Eren, Jean and Connie holding tree pose in the back room).

This, of course, makes him think that couples yoga is a great idea. Let’s just say, you’re lucky that Eren is strong enough to catch you and has sharp reflexes, because he’s certainly not the most balanced partner for this activity.

Game days are fun for him, and usually even if his team loses, he’s still so pumped up on adrenaline that he’s pretty happy. He only gets moody if he thinks the other team is playing dirty, or the refs are unfair, or he’s just been in a bad mood because of something that happened in his personal life; sports are an outlet for him, not his drive in life, so losing a game doesn’t take a huge toll on him.

Usually, even if he is upset about something personal, he’s able to funnel it into his game play. Small things used to make his whole sportsmanship sour, but overtime, he’s really gotten better at using his energy to fuel the right things. However, one thing that makes him foul (emotionally and literally; as in he might foul out of a game), is if he’s been fighting with you.

Sometimes it works in his favor—using the game as outlet, like usual—but it goes south pretty quickly. Because instead of using his aggression in a productive way, he gets distracted and easily pissed off, and it’s no good for anybody, especially himself. Because if he fouls out, or the coach takes him out for doing too much, then he can’t play; and if he can’t play then all that pent up frustration has no where to go; and then he’s forced to just sit with himself and his thoughts, but usually he starts deflecting and telling everyone else to piss off. Truly a no good, very bad box he’s put himself in.

You guys don’t fight that often, and it’s rare that it drags out for an extended amount of time when you do; but as with any relationship, it can happen. And when it does happen, if Armin doesn’t get to you first, expect one of Eren’s teammates to come groveling at your feet.

Or, rather, two. Because when you and Eren were fighting for over two weeks about god knows what at this point, it was Connie and Jean who ambushed you in the library. Jean had some pride to keep, but Connie was practically begging you to make up with Eren: “Look, I know he’s probably the one who said or did something to piss you off, and I’m not saying you gotta forgive him, but please just talk to him. I can’t run anymore extra laps because of him, and it’s gonna be so embarrassing if we lose to a C-list team on Friday because Eren’s funking up everyone’s attitude. PLEASE!”

Jean is more interested in the tea between you guys, but he also wants Eren to go back to being his normal hotheaded self, and not his current moody self. “He’s been playing like a bitch baby all week, and I’m gonna knock his skull in if he doesn’t fucking get his act together,” Jean rolls his eyes, “So just show up on Friday, alright? Do it for me and Connie, at least.”

When Eren does see you in the crowd at the game, it’s not a Troy and Gabriella moment, but when he sees you he feels so much relief that he’s physically calmer and way more mentally relaxed—because at this point Eren wasn’t even mad, he was just scared you might break up with him, and that fear brought out the worst in him. Seeing you in the stands, even if you didn’t wanna speak to him, was reassurance that you still gave a damn about him, and that was motivation enough.

He rushes to you after the game, wanting to make sure you don’t get swept away or leave with your friends. He’s smiling and so happy to finally see you that he almost forgets that you’re mad with him; hugging you and grinning ear to ear. When the reality kicks in, he kinda steps back at bit and rubs at his neck, embarrassed, but at least he knows he still has a chance to make things right with you.

(When you do make up, you’re surprised to find flowers and $10 coupon for your favorite pizza place in your mailbox a few days later. They’re from Connie, and his poorly handwritten note thanks you for “saving the team” and “curbing Eren’s temper).

[noteguk]

white lies | teaser 1: you | jjk | m

[ ! ] this is one of two teasers for my upcoming fic (White Lies) which will be posted on July 5th. The second teaser, following Jungkook’s pov, will come out next Monday! 

— contents and warnings (for the teaser); no major warnings for the teaser, kinda angsty but not really, athlete!jungkook x reader, college au, childhood best friends to lovers, idiots to lovers, mutual pining, heavy simping content, actually a good warning would be jk being all sweaty and shirtless 

— words; 1,3k

~

The sun was a merciless god above you, sending its scorching waves down onto the open field, burning on your scalp and inducing the sweat that dripped down your neck. Even with your palm shielding your vision, you were still having a hard time following the movement of the ball amongst the players, a low buzzing sound in your ears muffling their excited exclamations. It wasn’t even summer, but it surely felt like it. 

Maybe you were having a heat stroke, you thought, but quickly disregarded the idea. It wasn’t impossible, but you had just come out of a long hibernation period near the lockers, where a large shadow mingled with a cool breeze, relieving you of that free trial of Death Valley. Still, it wasn’t all good, and you certainly would’ve rather been inside an acclimatized environment with a bucket of ice cream than to be treated like a piece of meat in a barbecue. You would’ve left a long time ago if it wasn’t for him. 

There was no excuse inside your head that didn’t sound like you were simping hard — because, even though it was a difficult pill to swallow, it was the truth. Yeah, maybe it was a nice gesture for you to stick around until Jungkook got his much-deserved break, maybe it was super nice of you to make sure his water bottle was freezing cold for when the time came. There was no reason he couldn’t do that by himself, though, and he had the rest of his teammates to spend his break with. You were just simping. And acting like a complete clown because of it. 

Two sharp whistles interrupted their practice, their coach signaling that it was time for a break. You breathed out in alleviation for exactly two seconds before you saw Jungkook jogging in your direction, and then your nervousness picked right back up. 

It was so unfair how dazzlingly handsome he looked that you wanted to go up to heaven and have a very heated argument with whoever thought it was a good idea to send that level of perfection down to Earth. He even looked like those scenes in Shrek in which Prince Charming is moving in slow motion, his luscious hair to the wind and a striking smile on his face — okay, maybe you were having a heat stroke. 

“What’s up?” He asked, a little out of breath, as he reached you. At some point amongst your catastrophe of horny thoughts, you had reached for his bottle, and were now handing it to him. “Thanks. You look sweaty.”

You scoffed. “If I'm sweaty, I don’t know what makes you.”

Jungkook squeezed the bottle, sending a squirt of water directly into his open mouth. Did you stare at his jawline and the muscles on his neck for a little too long? Absolutely. But he didn’t have to know that. “Yeah, fair enough.” He brushed the back of his hand against his mouth. “Coach went insane today— Did you bring something to eat?” 

You nodded, reaching for your backpack. The bench next to you was covered with your scattered notes, most of which you didn’t even have the attention span to go through. Midterms suck hard enough as it is, but you just had to make it worse by accompanying Jungkook during his practice. “Yeah, I noticed that,” you mumbled, miraculously finding a couple protein bars in your backpack — who were you kidding? You had put them there because of him. “Any reason for it?” 

Jungkook shrugged, taking one of the bars. He looked out to the field as his hands worked on unwrapping it, a deep frown covering his face. He looked so gorgeous with his dark, sweaty hair pushed back that you almost didn’t compute his following words. “My fault, probably. Left early last time.” He shoved the bar inside his mouth before he could speak any further, his sparkling eyes growing wide at the taste. “Hm! This is great, by the way.” 

Uneasy, you shifted around on your seat. From the corners of your eyes, you could see the silhouettes of his teammates walking around the field, looking like ghosts. You wondered if Jungkook didn’t prefer talking to them instead. “Wait, you said that you all got sent home early,” you said. 

Jungkook chuckled like a nervous kid. “Hm, yeah. Kind of,” he admitted, unable to meet your gaze. “Didn’t want to make you mad. Besides, it was much more fun hanging out with you.” 

Through the years, you had become a pro at pretending that his random praises didn’t get to you — mostly through minor bursts of frustration. “You’re such an idiot, you could’ve just waited another hour.” You slapped his shoulder lightly, which only made him laugh harder. “Do you know if it’s going to take long today? I kinda have a test on Friday and it’s hard to review out here. You know, for that class I’m basically failing already.” 

He shrugged. “No idea. You can leave if you want.” Jungkook returned the water bottle to you, along with the bar he didn’t eat. “I have a date later so I’ll have to rush home, anyways. You can take a break at being my personal cheerleader for the day.”  

That was the moment that you wished that he had stabbed you in the chest instead, considering he had caused much more damage with his casual words alone. It wasn’t the first (nor the last) date that Jungkook had, but they all felt like it; they all surprised and hurt you all the same. Maybe it was your own fault for building up some hopeful expectations that, deep down, your feelings were mutual. Maybe it was time to snap out of that alternate reality you had created in the name of your own comfort, and search for someone else. 

“Who are you going out with?” Your voice was normal, controlled, not at all equivalent to the shattering of your heart. 

Problem was: there wasn't someone else. 

Jungkook rubbed the back of his head, oscillating his stare away from yours. “You don’t know her, and I—”

Two sharp whistles (which now sounded so merciful) interrupted his excuses. Jungkook took a dumbfounded glimpse at his teammates, soon meeting the pissed off look in his coach’s face. 

“Already? Fuck,” he complained, hand grabbing his shirt and using it to dry the sweat on his forehead. If your heart weren’t in shambles, you probably would’ve enjoyed the view of his abs in full display for three glorious seconds, before his team shirt fell back into place. “I think you should go home and rest, ___.” Jungkook started to jog away, raising his voice so you could hear it. “I’ll text you about how it went later, alright? And don’t get a heat stroke!” 

“Okay,” your voice was a soft little thing, and you knew he hadn’t heard it. Jungkook was already halfway across the field, his back turned to you and the large number ten bouncing on his back. “Have fun.” 

You took a deep breath, hands working to put your notes on a neat pile. The smell of fresh grass was intoxicating, making you a bit dizzy as you got up to your feet. You let his water bottle in the corner of the bleachers, where there was a small shadow, and went home. 

[uncreativetitletrack]

Good and Bad

Pairing: Jeongin X Reader

Word Count: 14.1k

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Summary: Jeongin has been acting strange lately. No matter how much you try asking, he won’t tell you anything. But whatever has been bothering him, it’s worse than you thought.

“I don’t care if you just finished working out, you still need to eat.” You stir a small pot on the stove.

In the kitchen, you’re making egg drop soup for Chan and Minho. You three happened to be leaving at the same time from the JYP building, so you decided to tag along with them. You were planning to leave after making it to their dorm, but once you heard that they’ve been skipping dinner, you weren’t going to let this pass. You barged into their kitchen and started cooking with whatever they had in the fridge.

Chan is sitting on a chair that he took from the living room while Minho is looking for water in the fridge. Felix heard you coming through the door, so he instantly got up and started following you around like a puppy. He’s leaning over the counter, putting his elbow on it and resting his head on his hands.

“You don’t need to cook so much though…” Chan points out.

“It’s to make up for how very little you guys eat in general. Don’t worry, egg drop soup is filled with protein and isn’t high in calories, same goes for kimchi and brown rice. I won’t leave until you two eat.”

“It’s fine if you stay.” Felix flutters his eyelashes.

“Same goes for the rest of the members. As the manager, I expect that everyone eats healthily. If not, then I’ll keep coming here to make sure that you guys aren’t starving yourselves on purpose. Once I can trust you guys, then I’ll leave everyone alone.”

Felix groans.

“Why did you make that sound, Felix?” You turn to them while turning off the stove.

“I want starve myself so you can come here every night like this…but I don’t want to disappoint you either.” He lays his cheek on the cold counter.

“Felix…don’t be shocked, but you know that we see each other practically every day, right?” You say sarcastically with an eyebrow raised.

“But it’s more special having you in our dorms.” His smile beams.

“Alright...no more,” Minho grabs Felix and drags him away from you. “Don’t cross a line when I haven’t gotten there yet.”

“What? Who said that you’re the first, Hyung??”

“Me. If I can’t make a move, then no one else can.”

Felix starts kicking. “That’s not fair, Hyung!! Why does Chan-hyung get to stay with her?!”

You watch as Minho drags poor Felix to his room. Even after hours of exercise, his muscles aren’t sore enough to carry him, so that’s nice to know.

Chan sighs, massaging his face. “Sorry, (Y/N). I think work is getting to Felix, so he’s a little loopy.”

“Aw…if I could, I would accompany him on his schedule.”

“It’s okay, being independent is a learning experience for him.”

Speaking of the members, you know that Jisung and Changbin are still at the company in their studio, and Hyunjin is at the dance studio while Seungmin is MC-ing for some variety shoes. There’s still one more person left.

“Oh yea, where’s Jeongin?”

You pour the soup into a bowl, placing it at the dining table. Chan gets up and helps set the plate of kimchi and the rice cooker on the table. Just in case, you place more than three plates in case the other boys would like some as well.

After asking the question, Chan averts his eyes. “Jeongin…is on the balcony, talking on the phone.”

“Oh? With who? His friends?”

“No.”

“Family?”

“Well…”

“Wait, don’t tell me…” you drop the chopsticks on the table. “Is he talking to a possible girlfriend?”

“What? No—”

“What do we do?? Jeongin is the first to get a girlfriend even though he’s the youngest. Is there something going on that I didn’t catch on to?? He’s barely an adult and he’s already done more than what the older members have done…”

Chan clears his throat. “Before you continue jumping to conclusions, it’s not that either. And I can guarantee I’ve done way more than Jeongin. Anyway, I don’t know who he’s talking to either, but he doesn’t seem…happy, and it’s been like that for a few days now.”

The excitement fades away from your eyes and has been replaced with worry. He knew that that was going to be your reaction, especially with how overprotective you are with the members, so he immediately thinks of ways to soothe your concerns.

“B-but this is just from what I’ve seen. For all I know, he’s probably fine.”

How have you not noticed anything for a few days? Have you been focusing too much on others that you neglected Jeongin? Despite Chan’s efforts to calm you down, you can’t help but worry.

“I’m gonna ask if he wants to have dinner.”

“Don’t…!” He begins, but pulls back. “You…you can.”

He knows you too well that you’ll probably talk to Jeongin, pretending like you don’t know what’s going on when you make it very plain and clear. You’re a terrible liar, so it’s inevitable that he’ll assume that you’re worried for him. But even if Chan were to go against your idea, it’ll just make you want to do it even more.

----------

Jeongin’s back is to the glass sliding door as he’s sitting on a plastic stool and talking on the phone. You can’t hear a single thing he’s saying, but judging by his body language alone, it doesn’t seem like it’s going all too well. His back is slouched over, and his arms are hugging himself. Overall, he’s just stiff. Not a single trace of his usual bubbly self is present.

You knock on the glass, getting his attention. He mutes his phone and looks up, and as he does that, you got a brief glance at the name of the caller ID, ‘Unknown’.

“Manager, I didn’t know you were here.”

“Yea, I was here for a while,” you point to the kitchen. “You wanna eat? I made some dinner.”

“No, it’s okay. Thank you though.”

And just like that, it’s like he didn’t want to talk any further, which makes sense since he’s still on the phone with his mother. You choose to leave him alone, closing the door behind you but not letting your eyes off of him.

Chan puts his hand on your shoulder to distract you from him. “It’s okay to leave him be. He’s not a kid anymore, so you don’t have to hover over him all the time.”

“I know but…”

It’s difficult for you to do so. You’ve been with him ever since he was in middle school, and although your age gap isn’t entirely different, you feel like his guardian. Perhaps it’s your motherly instincts, you aren’t entirely sure, but what you do know is that whatever is going on with Jeongin is enough to make him not even smile when you greeted him.

==========

It’s one in the morning, and the boys have been practicing since the morning. They decide to call it a day and finish training for the day. You’re standing by the door as you watch them wrap up practice.

“Good job everyone. We did great,” Chan claps his hands. “We can do even better tomorrow.”

The boys cheer that practice is over. They head to their bags and take out water bottles as well as their phones.

“I’m gonna order chicken from that place we went to the other day. Who wants some?” Minho looks up from his phone.

They raise their hands.

“I can order. Just tell me what you guys want.” You offer.

“Shh, you always do it. It’s my turn.”

“But—”

“It’s okay. I changed my name so they won’t know who I am this time.”

The last time Minho ordered, he actually used his stage name so the deliverer went on social media and leaked pictures of the JYP building. Since then, it’s usually you or another staff member who orders, but you decide to let it pass since Minho did change his name to some English name to avoid any subtle hints that it’s him.

The rest of the boys are doing their own thing, usually playing around with each other or continuing their training from earlier. Just like the previous night, Jeongin is sitting by himself in the corner, on his phone. His thumbs are rapidly typing away like he’s texting somebody.

Unable to leave him alone, you sit next to him. He quickly hides his phone screen from you, and it disheartens you a bit, but you play it off as if you didn’t notice that. “What are you doing sitting alone? What do you want to eat? Minho’s ordering.”

“It’s okay, I don’t want anything. We’re going on a show in the afternoon and I don’t want my face to look puffy,” he gets up and puts his backpack on. “I have homework, so I’m gonna go back to the dorms to finish it.”

“Oh…are you sure? You can do it here while we wait for the food.”

He shakes his head. “I’m good. I don’t want any distractions, especially since it’s almost testing period.”

You don’t want to push him further, but you don’t want to leave him alone either. You call out to him a second time, and you can clearly hear a sigh.

You extend your hand out to stop him. “It’s late, let me go with you—”

“No!” He slaps your hand away.

The room falls silent, and everyone’s eyes are on you two. You and Jeongin stare at each other for a few seconds, both caught off-guard by his sudden aggression. He didn’t even realize what he’s done until after it happened, and now immense guilt overwhelms him.

He’s hesitating, pinching his index finger. “M-Manager…I’m sorry. I…really have to go.”

He runs out the room, leaving everyone speechless with his actions. The boys finally break out of their trance, and Felix is the first to check on you.

“Manager, are you okay?!” He takes your hand. “Does it hurt??”

“That was really uncalled for. I’m gonna have a talk with him.” Chan is about to chase after him when you stop him.

“Wait, don’t.”

“What? Why?? Did you not see what he did??”

“I know, but…blowing up on him isn’t going to solve it.”

“So pretending like it never is better?”

You shake your head. “No…yes…no! I don’t know. I don’t think he meant it.”

You don’t know what’s going on with Jeongin, and it seems like the other members don’t know either. It isn’t like you’re the only person who’s worried either since the other boys seemed just as worried. You think to yourself, wondering what it is you can do.

“It isn’t like him to just do that. He’s so innocent that he would apologize a thousand times if he laid a hand on you.” Hyunjin puts his hands on his waist.

“Yea…maybe he didn’t want me to touch him. Maybe…I smell?” You sniff your sleeve.

“No! Never!” Felix exclaims. “You always smell fine! Even when you don’t put on perfume, your natural scent is the best!”

You weren’t expecting Felix to give you a full-on compliment, but you’re appreciative of it regardless. If it isn’t because you smell, then is it because Jeongin is annoyed of you? You were being a bit too nosy about who’s he talking to, so he probably had enough of you and did what he did. Or…he doesn’t want you to know that he might have a girlfriend.

==========

As Jeongin runs out of the building, he finds a place to hide a few blocks away. Once he finds a street with nobody there, he crouches into a fetal position, pulling his hair out as he fights the urge to scream. He’s absolutely upset at himself for slapping your hand away. It was really hard as well, enough to create an echo. He regrets hitting you, but it was the shock face you made when he did it—that hurts the most. It was like he betrayed you, and now he doesn’t know if you’ll ever forgive him.

As much as he wants to tell you and the older members, he can’t. What he got himself into is bigger than he could ever imagine, even to the extent that he can’t tell them. If he does, then it’ll land not only you and the boys, but the company and his family. He has to figure out how to solve this problem on his own.

“Hey, what took you so long?” A mysterious voice comes from behind the shadows.

Jeongin stands up, holding his other arm with his hand timidly. “Sorry…it was hard to get out of practice.”

The figure walks out from the darkness, revealing himself to be a middle-aged man. He’s wearing a black sweater with the hoodie over his head to keep his identity hidden. “I don’t care the reason. As long as you’re not wasting my time. Did you bring what I asked?”

“Yes, I did,” He takes out a folder and gives it to him.

He opens it, flipping through a few pages to see what’s inside. He nods with content. “Okay, these seem legit.”

“I gave you what you wanted, so you’re not going to hurt anybody anymore, right?”

“Yes, yes. Geez, how many times do I have to tell you? As long as you give me what I want, then I’ll do my part of the deal.”

But Jeongin plays with his fingernails, still seemingly anxious. The man can see how uneasy he is, so he wraps his arm around him.

“Why do you look so sad? Come on, you did great, boy.”

Despite the assurance, Jeongin knows that what he’s doing is completely wrong, but he’s so deep into this situation that he’s afraid that his career as a musician will end. He won’t be able to look at you or the members in the eyes. So he rather struggle on his own then have any of you involved.

==========

You didn’t get the chance to talk to him the next morning. He woke up earlier than the rest of the boys, going on his morning jog before going to school. The other boys have gone to do their individual schedules, some of them are recording for shows while others are either doing photoshoots for magazines or producing songs.

You’re in the office sitting at your desk, sighing for the fiftieth time. Your coworker who sits across from you tosses a piece of paper at you, startling you.

“What was that for?!”

“For sighing. What’s up? You’ve been like this lately.”

With a lack of response, she has a feeling she knows why you’re like this. “It’s about Jeongin again, isn’t it?”

You jolt. “H-how did you know??”

“You mentioned it before so I had a hunch that whatever that has been going on is still ongoing. He’s still behaving differently?”

You nod. “It’s just so unusual of him to do that. I mean, it’s like…it’s normal for someone his age to be on his phone all the time, but to be on his phone this often? I don’t know…he doesn’t even let me see who he’s talking to either!”

“Why are you so obsessed with that? He’s at the age where it’s healthy to have a girlfriend and maybe he’s just a little embarrassed to tell you.”

You press your hands against your cheeks dramatically. “Chan told me that I’m overreacting, but what guy goes on his phone that often and even pushes others away?? What if he’s dating a girl who doesn’t give him time to breathe?! I should check on him!”

You stand up from your seat, but your coworker hurriedly pulls you down. “Stop it! This is probably why he never told you! And what if he doesn’t have a girlfriend? It doesn’t matter; it’s his life and you shouldn’t be intruding into it so much.”

“Yea but…he has to worry about what the media is going to think, and his fans…”

“Who cares about what the media says? It’ll just be the top news for a week or so, then everybody is going to forget about it. And yea, obviously the fans who truly care about him will support him and his girlfriend.”

“Yea…I know…but…”

“Why do you make it sound like him having a girlfriend is bad?”

But after asking that question, that’s when it hits her. In all honesty, your coworker is surprised that it took her this long to figure out that you like him. A wide smile forms on her face, showing her teeth. Once you knew that she figured it out, you reach over your desk and slap her on the shoulder.

“Ow! What was that for?!”

“S-sorry…! But don’t tell anyone! I want absolutely no one to know about this!!”

“Geez…” she rubs his shoulder. “You’re acting like a school girl. There’s nothing wrong with liking someone. Why don’t you want anybody to know?”

“Because I’m gonna hear it endlessly from the boys! They’re either going to make fun of me for having a crush. And then Chan is going to pull me to the side and talk about how he thinks that I should keep my feelings on the down-low until promotions are over!”

“What? No he won’t. I don’t spend as much time with them as you do, but if anything, he’s probably gonna be jealous. Same with Lee Know, Felix, Changbin…and the list goes on.”

“Jealous? Why would they be jealous?”

“Because…” she sighs. “Never mind. I’ll let you figure out that on your own. Anyway, is that why you’ve been thinking about him? Because you might’ve lost your chance to ask him out?”

“You don’t have to put it that way! Besides, I don’t ever plan on confessing to him. This is a professional setting and we have to keep it that way. He has thousands of fans and I don’t want to be that one girl who ruins it.”

“You’re not ruining anything. But even if he has a girlfriend, whatever is going on with Jeongin definitely isn’t normal. Well, based on what you said.”

“Something has to be bothering him, but I don’t know what,” You think about it for a few seconds before an idea springs up in your head. “Do you think it’s okay that I pick him up from school instead?”

“I don’t think his school minds, but didn’t you say that the other managers usually picks him up? You don’t even have a driver’s license.”

“We can walk home together. That way, we’ll be alone and give time for us to talk.”

“Okay…just be careful not to get in trouble.”

“Don’t worry about it. I got this under control.”

==========

You’re at Jeongin’s school, standing by the gate. School has just ended and the barrage of students in the iconic yellow school uniforms rush out of their classrooms. Many well-known idols currently attend or have attended this school, so because of that this school has gained some notoriety among the public eye. Some students that you see are familiar, but without their flashy outfits and makeup, they practically look like every other student here.

By the gates, there are managers just like you who are waiting for a specific student, whether they’re an idol, model, or actor. Moments like these you enjoy the most because this is one of the rare occasions where the idol can be just like every other high school student without the public eye’s judgement to dictate them. Without a doubt, it’s not normal for a student to have their manager pick them up from school, but there’s something special about not having people glorify teenagers.

You texted Jeongin to let him know that you’ll be waiting for him after school. He never responded, but he did read your message. It’s rare for you to pick him up since you’re usually with the older members with their schedules—not even when Seungmin and Hyunjin were in school. This is a new experience for you to be waiting for him, so it’s a little exciting.

As you’re waiting, you finally get a text message from him, asking where you’re at. You let him know that you’re waiting at the west wing gate. After no more than fifteen minutes, you see the top of Jeongin’s head, rushing to you, blending into the crowd of yellow blazers. You wave to him, but he doesn’t wave back. He looks rather serious, maybe even a little upset that you’re here.

He passes through the crowd, rushing right toward you. “What are you doing here?”

“I came here to see you.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to talk to you.”

Jeongin looks around as if he’s searching for someone, then he lowers his head like he’s hiding. “Where is the other manager?”

“I told him that I’ll pick you up today. Is it okay if we walk to the company together?”

He seems conflicted, like he doesn’t know if he should be angry. You’ve never seen him look this serious before, and it is hurting your feelings a little bit. Seeing the way your expressions are changing and remembering what happened last night, he tries to lighten the mood.

“Okay.”

A smile lights up on your face, and he blushes a little bit seeing how happy you’ve become.

==========

In the city, you two are walking together to the main building. Even though it was your plan to talk to him, you can’t bring yourself to say anything. Jeongin knows why you want to walk with him, but you’re quiet, so he’s anticipating the question.

“So…has anything been going on lately?”

“No, not really.”

“Really?”

He nods. “Everything’s been the same.”

“Obviously, I can tell that things haven’t been the same. You wanna tell me what’s been going on with you lately?” You get right to the point.

He hesitates, knowing that you were going to ask this eventually. “Are you talking about last night?”

“Of course.”

He remains quiet, so when you look at his face, he looks sad. He’s making it clear that he feels guilty for hitting your hand last night.

“I just want to make things clear that I’m not upset that you. If there’s something that’s bothering you, then it’s okay to tell me. I promise I won’t tell anyone.”

He knows he can trust you, but the deal he made with that strange man requires that he doesn’t let anyone aware of it. If he does, then it’s putting you and everybody else in a vulnerable state. But with that desperate expression on your face, he can’t bring himself to keep it a secret from you. He wants to alleviate some weight on his shoulders, but at the same time, he’s terrified that the man is listening in on their conversation.

“Manager, I…”

The ding coming from his phone interrupts the mood. He takes his phone out to see that he’s received a text message on his Kakao. It’s not from any of his friends nor is it from the members. It’s from an unfamiliar ID.

Curious, you peer over to see that it’s somebody that you don’t know either. That’s when your fear that it might be the mysterious ‘girlfriend’ that he’s been talking to has texted him.

“Who is that? A classmate?”

He scrunches his eyebrows. “I don’t know this person.”

The message says: I.nnie, I love you with all my heart and soul <3 Plz reply so I know it’s you!!

You and Jeongin knew instantly that this is a message from a fan. He deletes the message and blocks the person. It’s going to make the fan feel like she’s been betrayed by her ‘one and only’, but the reality of it is that she is crossing over private territory and should know not to step over that boundary.

But that isn’t the only fan who messages. After that, he receives a large number of messages from unknown users. They’re all presumably his fans, spamming him with confessions or questions asking if it’s really him. Because there are so many of them, it’s too many for him to delete manually.

“What’s going on??” Jeongin silences his phone after getting annoyed of hearing his ringtone go off hundreds of times.

“How did they get access to your Kakao ID?”

They made sure that their info wouldn’t get leaked out to the public, so it isn’t possible that they just so happened to have stumbled upon his ID. He’s never revealed his Kakao account on any shows either, so it’s nearly impossible for them to have figured it out. Then again, nothing is ever secure, so you presume that it might be the works of a hacker.

“Didn’t we upgrade your phone’s security? How is this happening?”

As you were are talking, you receive a message from the other members, notifying that their information has been leaked as well. They’re asking you what they should do, but you don’t know either. You tell them to calm down and that you’ll figure out what’s going on.

“What’s going on? This came out of nowhere.”

You glance at Jeongin’s face, and there’s a look of horror like he just committed a horrible crime. His skin has turned pale and his eyes are wide, unable to grasp what is happening. You shake his arms to get him out of this trance, and it works.

“Jeongin? Are you okay?”

He gazes into your worried eyes, slightly nodding his head. “Y-yea…”

“We’re gonna have a meeting with the boys and figure out what’s going on.”

==========

You and the boys are sitting together in the practice room in a circle, no words spoken as crickets play in the background. You glance around to see their solemn expressions, and you wonder what you can do to make the mood feel less heavy.

“I was able to get in contact with the person in charge of the company’s tech department and he said that we can’t do anything other than delete the current account and create a new one. Based on their investigation, there were no signs of hacking, so it’s most likely that somebody shared our information online.”

“Are you serious? Someone actually gave our information away?” Changbin groans. “Do they not have any shame?”

Jeongin, sitting in a fetal position, pulls his knees closer to him.

“Even if somebody from our company did do it, it was bound to happen.” Seungmin adds.

“Yea, but who has the audacity to do shit like that?”

“Changbin, please watch your language…” You request.

“Who cares if I curse or not? What that person did to us is shameful, and to expose us like we’re not human is wrong. I have every right to get angry.”

“I know…but getting angry isn’t going to solve anything.” You say, but in a more serious tone.

“Changbin, Manager, let’s not have disagreements,” Chan raises his hand. “What happened has already been done, so we should be thankful that none of us were harmed. We can’t fixed the past, but we can use it to make sure that in the future this won’t happen again.”

You and Changbin look at each other. “Yes.”

“But I want to know how our information was given away in the first place. Did anyone approach you guys and asked for your contact info?”

They all say no, including you. Or…at least except for one person..

“Jeongin?” Chan calls out.

He raises his head to see all eyes on him.

“Are you alright? Did anyone approach you asking for your contacts?”

He looks around, feeling a little hesitant. “No…”

You already knew from the way he answered there’s more to it than what he’s giving out. You don’t want to say it out loud because you know that it’s going to make things more complicated if you were to point him out.

 Later on, most of the members have left the practice room. You’ve kept an eye on Jeongin while they’re getting ready to leave to see if his behavior is different. Like the past few days, he isn’t smiling and has been rather stiff during the entire meeting. Since you don’t want to put pressure on him, you decide to keep quiet and plan to talk to him alone. With the last member leaving the room, it’s only you and Chan left.

“How have you been handling this entire situation? I hope you’re doing alright.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’m more concerned about the younger members, especially Jeongin.”

“Did you notice it too? How uncomfortable he was.”

He nods. “Maybe it has to do with how secretive he’s been the past few days.”

“A few nights ago when I went to your dorms and spoke to Jeongin, he was talking to someone on the phone, but the caller ID was called ‘Unknown’. I didn’t think too much about it then, but with the situation now, I think it has some correlations.”

You should’ve known back then how suspicious it was that he was talking to somebody who doesn’t even have a caller ID nor did their phone number show up. You must’ve been so exhausted from working all day that you probably didn’t think about it that much.

“Should we…” Chan trails off. “Ah, never mind.”

“What?”

“It’s just…do you think we should tell somebody? What Jeongin did is wrong, and I know he wouldn’t do something like this without a reason, but—”

“No!”

You’re aware that it’s not a good idea to keep Jeongin’s suspected involvement a secret, but seeing how he’s been behaving, you don’t want to add on to his problems.

“I-it’s just suspicion, right? We don’t know if Jeongin has any connections to it, so it’s better not to go straight to the higher-ups. Let’s wait it out a bit, and if he continues being suspicious then we can let them know.”

However, judging by his expression, Chan doesn’t seem to agree with this decision. “Okay, but don’t go easy on him, okay? I don’t want to believe that he’s involved, but if he really is, then we can’t baby him out of this situation. He’s a grown man and should learn from his mistakes, especially from the ones that have huge negative consequences.”

You nod. “You can trust me! Even if Jeongin is a part of it, I’m certain that he was blackmailed to do it. We both know how kind-heartened he is to the core, so there’s definitely no reason that he would do it without a good reason.”

“Yea, you’re right,” he sighs, then smiles. “I shouldn’t be so negative. Probably with everything that’s been going on, it’s been kind of taking a toll on me that I’m doubting my own teammates.”

You elbow him. “Yea, it’s very unlike you, but we’ll get out of this mess for sure! If other idols are able to solve this problem, then we definitely can.”

Catching onto your optimistic contagion, he can’t help but smile as well. “You’re right. He would never do anything behind our backs without a reason.”

While you do hope that’s the case, you pray that Jeongin isn’t in any danger. It would be foolish of you to have been worried that he has a girlfriend when there are more serious subjects to be worried about, so you want to make things better by not being distracted with meaningless worries and tackle the problem head-on. And it starts with Jeongin.

==========

You know that you vowed to solve the problem, but you have been unsuccessful with talking to Jeongin these past few days. Your workload has increased by an exponential amount, having to go to meetings, make phone calls, and sign papers. When you do have the time to check on them, he leaves the room around the same time.

Thankfully, the boys’ leaked contact information has died down, and no one has been messaging them since they made new accounts. The tech department have yet to figure out how it was released in the first place, though they still believe in their theory that someone had to have given it to some outside source.

You sigh heavily, having returned from a long and arduous meeting. You finally came back to the main building, and seeing that you have some spare time, you decide to stop by and see the boys while they’re practicing. At the main entrance, you scan your ID card and enter once the automatic doors open.

But you freeze when you meet eyes with an unfamiliar stranger. He’s dressed with a white, tucked-in shirt and cargo pants and also wearing glasses that completes it all. He seems shocked to see you.

He doesn’t look like anybody you know, so it must be somebody from outside the company. The reception lady who’s usually there isn’t, so you assume that he must be waiting for her. Since you’re here, you thought it wouldn’t hurt to ask if he needs help.

“Hello, did somebody already come to help you?”

“I need help. I’m a journalist here to interview Twice and was wondering if you can guide me to their practice room.”

You raise an eyebrow, already finding this suspicious. “I don’t remember ever hearing about an agreement to hold an interview inside the building. Which publication do you work for?”

“I work for Seoul’s Newsletter, and I’ve been told to do this for my current article,” he takes out an ID card, and it covers his claim of being a journalist. “I’m here to do an interview with Twice.”

“My apologies, I don’t supervise them so I don’t know their schedule.”

“Then which musicians do you mainly work with?”

“Stray Kids.”

“Oh, then if it’s fine, can I interview them in the meantime? I have the permission to do by my supervisor to do so.”

This is too strange. You may not be a journalist, but his task seems too flexible. There’s no way his boss would let him pass with interviewing Stray Kids if there’s a chance that he doesn’t run into the actual band he has to interview. Besides, if he’s scheduled to interview Twice, then they would have a set time to meet, and if they were late, they would notify him. Not only that, but if he were to use Stray kids as a secondary interviewees, then you would’ve been made aware of it as well.

“I don’t remember ever accepting a meeting with Seoul’s Newsletter.”

“What?”

“I’m their manager.”

His facial expressions become stiff, and his hands fall to his sides when he realize that he made a mistake. He thought that you were just another staff member who just so happen to hover around them, not someone who’s always around them.

“I thought their managers were men.”

“I handle most of the behind-the-scene jobs like scheduling and attending meetings as well as taking care of their wellbeing. My co-managers help with the public activities.”

Because you’re a young female, it’s most likely going to cause scandals for one of the boys, so that’s why you’re not with them in public majority of the time. But as you think to yourself, you begin to wonder about something.

“I’m just wondering…but how did you get access to enter?”

Just like you, you need to have an employee card to scan then the doors will unlock. If he’s here to supposedly interview them, then he would’ve had somebody here to help him. Since there’s nobody here with him, it could only mean one thing. You look down at his hand and got a glimpse of the ID card. For a second, you could’ve sworn that you saw Jeongin’s face on it.

He looks around at the ceiling, though you’re not sure what he’s looking for. But then it hits you that he’s looking for security cameras. That’s when he moves closer to you only for you to move back. Your guard is heightened with your hand scouring through your purse for pepper spray.

He puts his hands in his pockets, not hesitating to move forward. “I have a knife in my pocket, and I’ll take it out if you don’t do as I say.”

He slyly shows the blade as it illuminates against the sunlight, blinding your eyes. It’s not a fake knife, so fear crawls up your spine. Situations like these only happen on shows, never in a million years did you ever think it’ll happen to you. So when something as dramatic as this unfolds in front of you, you feel the concern that if you don’t do as he says, then you could lose your life.

“Take me to their studio, then I’ll spare your life.”

You don’t know want to reveal their private sphere in fear that there will be another repeat of the Kakao incident, but glaring at the blade is making you think otherwise. You hate to admit it, but you’re more afraid of getting hurt than anything else.

“O-okay.”

Just agreeing with it makes you repulsed at yourself. You look down in shame, clenching your fists as you guide him to the place of his choice.

==========

You and the man are walking in the halls, and he’s standing closely behind you. You can’t see if he’s holding the knife to your back, but you don’t want to do anything to confirm that he does. Unfortunately, there’s not that many people in the halls, so you can’t call out for help. But even if you do cry for help, you don’t want to get them involved.

“I’m surprised no one has passed by. Even with security cameras everywhere, there’s nobody doing a single thing,” He snickers. “I heard that CCTV cameras are there just to scare people from doing anything, but in reality, some actually only record five minutes at random times.”

You’re just as surprised that, so far, there’s been no one. It must be one of those days where everybody is in their office or doing outside activities.

“I really do hope that Twice is here…All I wanted to do was talk to them…” he bites his nails. “Is that too much to ask? People get to talk to them all the time, but I’m considered the creep? It’s not fair.”

You try looking behind from the corner of your eye, but you can’t. Judging by his shaky voice, he’s also just as nervous as you are, probably afraid that he’ll be caught.

“You employees should be lucky to see then every day, but all you guys ever do is take it for granted. You said you work as Stray Kids’ manager, correct?”

“Y-yes.”

“You have to work for a bunch of ungrateful children. I’ve seen how the leader interacts with Twice, and it irritates me. He acts like he’s special just because he’s the center of attention. I fucking hate it.”

With each passing second with him, he slowly reveals more and more that he isn’t a journalist. The Seoul Newsletter Card must’ve been a fake. His obsession with Twice is beginning to unnerve you, but his hatred toward Stray Kids irritates you more. It’s blatantly obvious that since they’re from a famous company, they’re bound to get backlash for being ‘too rich and popular’ despite being a rookie group. However, the public doesn’t know the amount of effort and passion they put into their work, so to hear him belittle them is more infuriating than you possibly losing your life.

“You don’t know that. Maybe if you took the time to get to know them then—”

“SHUT UP! You don’t understand shit! I go through so much and yet these boys get to go around hogging them. I work my ass off just to go to their fan meet only to be banned from them, and when I finally got someone to help me, my plan still fails!”

“Wait…somebody?”

“Yea. How the fuck else am I supposed to get access to the building?”

That’s when the connection is linked—what the tech department said about the boys’ contact information being manually leaked is true. It was an inside job done, and he’s the mastermind. But who would be helping an insane man like him?

Just as you two are about to turn the corner of the hall, you two run into somebody. It’s Jeongin, and in a millisecond, you three freeze. At first, he had no idea what was going on, but when he made eye contact with the made, his skin color becomes pale.

“You little bastard!”

Suddenly, the man lunges at Jeongin, grabbing him by the shirt and pushing down. He gets on top of him, now holding him by the collar of his shirt, repeatedly slamming him against the floor.

You rush toward him, attempting to pull him off of Jeongin. However, no matter how much strength you’re using, it’s no use in getting the man off.

“Help! Somebody help!” You cry out.

You look around desperately, but there’s nobody.

“Manager, run!” Jeongin shouts.

You can’t move your legs. You know it’s better to run and search for help, but you can’t bring yourself to leave him there. You’re aware that you should help him, but you don’t know what to do. With that knife in his hand, you’re afraid that if you jump into the mess, then you’ll end up getting Jeongin injured.

The man notices that you took one step back, so now his attention is on you. That brief eye contact is enough to scare you, so you break out of your frozen trance and make an attempt to run. However, he is able to grab you by your hair, pulling you back until you fall to the ground. Undoubtedly, he’s pulled out some hair strands right from the scalp.

“Don’t think you can get away!”

Because of the pain, you don’t pull your head. You struggle to get his hands off of your hair by scratching his fingers to no avail. You make eye contact with Jeongin, praying that he runs to safety. He’s in the same spot as you—unable to pick his feet up and only stare in horror.

“This kid thought that he can outsmart me, but he’s nothing more than a coward,” the man laughs. “Look, he can’t even save you. Because he thought he’s better than me, I’m going to show what I’ll do if you try to mess around with me.”

“Hey! What’s going on?!”

Suddenly, another man’s voice comes from down the hall and it turns out to be one of the employees. He spots what’s happening, sprinting toward the scene. However, he isn’t able to catch up as the man is able to escape through the elevator, closing just in time before he reaches him in time.

The employee turns his direction to you—sitting on the ground on your knees. “Hey, are you okay? Who was he?”

You’re so shaken that you can’t speak. Jeongin stands still, holding his hands together as he stares speechlessly. The employee takes out his phone and dials a number.

“It’s okay, I’m gonna call for help.”

==========

While you’re sitting in the main lobby with a policewoman, the police are questioning Jeongin in a separate room. The news about the break-in spread like wildfire and it eventually reaches the members. They’re quick to their feet when they heard that you and Jeongin were in danger and made it their priority to check and see that you two are fine.

Chan is the first to enter the lobby with a panicked look in his eyes. He approaches you, putting his hands on your shoulders. You two stare at each other for a few seconds before he pulls you in for a tight hug.

“I’m glad you’re okay. He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

You shake your head. “It was nothing serious.”

“I heard that he’s not from this company? What the hell happened?”

“That’s something that we’re still figuring out,” the policewoman steps in between you and Chan. “Mind if I ask who you are and what relations you have with (Y/N)?”

“It’s okay. He’s my friend. Uhm…mind if I have some privacy with him? There’s something I’d like to talk to him about.”

She nods then walks to the halls.

Once she’s out of sight, Chan pulls you in closer. “Do you have any clue what’s going on?? And please don’t lie to me that he didn’t do anything to you. I swear, if he actually laid his hand on you, I’m gonna beat the shit out of him—”

“Chan, please don’t.” That’s exactly what you don’t want to happen. “I really am alright. But…it’s not what I wanted to talk about. Jeongin told me everything.”

“Told you what? What did he tell you?”

“But before I explain, promise me that you won’t get angry at him.”

“Why would I get angry at him? (Y/N), you’re scaring me.”

You avert your eyes, afraid to tell him but knowing that it’s better to tell him rather than keeping it a secret. “That man who broke into the building is the one who released the group’s contact information.”

“What?! How did he have access??”

You bite your bottom lip, anxiety increasing as you fear for his next reaction. “…It was Jeongin.”

Chan’s jaw drops.

He takes a few seconds to take in what you said, turning around and putting his hand on his waist. He massages his jaw, feeling a mixture of emotions. Just as you thought, he isn’t sure about how to take this in. He wants to get angry, but he also wants to drop to the floor and cry for the betrayal from his own member.

“He didn’t do it because he wanted to. He was blackmailed.”

You’ve never seen so much relief comfort him, so much that he was about to cry.

“He contacted Jeongin online and claimed that he’s a hacker. He threatened that if he doesn’t give him personal information about Twice, then he was going to leak your information to the public.”

“Personal info? Personal what?”

“Like…‘private’ pictures and videos of them.”

“Oh my god. This disgusting perv…Please tell me Jeongin didn’t do it.”

You shake your head. “He couldn’t bring himself to do it. He ended up giving him photos that he found online and photoshopped it a little bit to make it appear like it’s the girls, but he must’ve figured it out since your info was released.”

Chan looks around, processing everything you told him. You can’t imagine what Jeongin was going through—being stuck in a dilemma where he either cross the line with his noonas’ boundaries or run the risk of letting the public know of his hyungs’ info.

“You’re…not mad at Jeongin, are you?”

With your puppy eyes, there’s no way he can. “Thinking about it, he did the right thing. If he took those nasty videos and pictures, then it’s not only their privacy that was taken away, but also their dignity. At least for us, we were able to solve it within a few days. Don’t worry, I can never get angry at him.”

He wraps his arm around your neck, pulling you in. He gives you a knuckle sandwich to lighten the mood. However, it doesn’t ease the worry in your chest. Even though you’re more than okay, you’re more concerned about Jeongin and how he’s handling the responsibility. He’s pure-hearted, so he must be beating himself up right now.

“I really hope he doesn’t get in trouble for this. He’ll be okay, right?”

“I…” Chan looks down, unsure of what to say.

Of course, it’s better to reassure you that he’ll be fine, but the crime he committed is still inexcusable. While he knows that the members will forgive him after learning of the dilemma that he was in, he isn’t sure if the police will.

Jeongin and the policeman exit the private room. You want to reach out to him, but you pull your hand back. He doesn’t look at you nor Chan like he’s pretending he doesn’t know you two, and it hurts a little.

“Excuse me, where are you two going?” You ask.

“To the police station. I feel it’s more private to talk there than here.”

You keep staring at him, but he’s still not looking. “You’re not gonna do anything to him, are you?”

“As far as we know, nothing. We need more time to investigate before jumping to conclusions.”

They walk off, but before they do, you thought about calling out to him. You want to let him know that he didn’t do anything bad, but it’s too late since the policeman has already taken him out. You drop your weight down on the couch again, sighing.

“I really, really hope they don’t make him feel bad about what he did. Why can’t they just tell us already that Jeongin won’t get in trouble?”

Chan takes a seat next to you, patting your back. “Let them do their job. As long as they do the investigation properly, then I’m certain they’ll know that he’s innocent.”

Naturally, it’s normal for you to worry about the person you like. Despite the comfort, you can’t help but think about the worse as you bury your face in your hands. “When that intruder was holding him down, I was so scared that I couldn’t think. He told me to run, but I froze. I didn’t know if I wanted to run or help him. If only I thought quicker then it wouldn’t have come to this.”

“Hey, now’s not the time to be putting the blame on yourself. You two did the best you could in this situation, and it could’ve been a lot worse. Don’t be so pessimistic and keep your chin up.” He smiles.

You exhale, forcing a grin. “Yea…you’re right.”

You look out the window, praying that everything will turn out smoothly. Hopefully, the police won’t put the blame on Jeongin and that they would catch the intruder.

==========

Thankfully, the police let Jeongin go. They understood the situation that he was in and released him shortly after the interrogation. Although what he did was technically illegal, it was for the sake of protecting the girl group from falling into the hands of unwanted circumstance.

You had to tell the members in secret about what happened and begged for them not to look down on Jeongin for his mistakes. Many of them were dumbfounded, unsure of how they should take in the information just like when you and Chan first heard about it. However, they all came to an agreement to abide by your request and treat him the same as usual.

Unfortunately, despite the efforts to forget about the past, Jeongin’s high-spirts is no longer present. That charm he had during every group rehearsals doesn’t appear anymore, and when the members try to play around with him, he would brush them off and ask for space. He doesn’t talk to anyone, specifically you.

As if you thought before his avoidance was bad, this is worse. The moment you enter the room, he would stay the furthest away. When you try talking to him, he would turn the other direction and walk away. It’s been like this for days now, and it’s beginning to wither your hopes of ever talking to him like you two used to.

 You’re in the office area of the building, staying overtime to write a proposal to give Stray Kids’ a spot on an American show. It was very difficult having with the language barrier and having to wait for messages to be translated and sent. But you manage to finish it, so as a sign of victory, you lean back in your chair, stretching your arms as you groan.

“Just finished?” Your co-worker asks as she stands up from the opposite end of your cubicle.

“Yea, it took forever! But it’s finished and that’s all that matters.”

“That’s great! I just finished my work too and I’m exhausted. Also, I heard that there’s a delay with the train that you usually take. It’s going to be dangerous since the station is gonna be empty and you’re a woman. There’s a lot of creeps hanging around at night, so be careful.”

You gulp. “Actually…I plan on staying another night here.”

“Again?!”

“I can always sleep in one of the lounges and use the spare blankets and pillows. The couches are actually pretty comfortable once you get used to it.”

“Yea…but it’s not good for your back. Well…it’s still safer than going back home alone. Just make sure that no one’s peeping at you while you’re asleep.”

It’s not that you think that nighttime is dangerous, but ever since that time when you got attacked by that man, you’ve been a little afraid to be alone. Just the thought of walking by yourself in the city scares you, like he’s watching your every step. Even staying the building is still enough to keep your guard up, so you haven’t been able to sleep properly either.

“Don’t worry. You should hurry. Your boyfriend is probably waiting for you at the parking lot. You shouldn’t make him wait.”

“Thanks! I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Your coworker walks out of the office, taking her phone out to let her boyfriend know that she just left. As she turns the corner, she is startled when she nearly bumps into someone. When she recognizes the person to be Jeongin, she sighs in relief.

“Oh my god, you startled me!”

“I’m sorry!” He bows.

“You’re Jeongin from that group, Stray Kids, right? Are you waiting for (Y/N)?”

He looks through the window, twiddling with his fingers. Even though he doesn’t answer, she has a feeling that she’s right.

“She just finished work, but that crazy woman is planning on sleeping here again.”

“Sleeping here?? Why?”

She shrugs her shoulders. “She won’t give a reason, but it’s probably because it’s late. I mean, if I didn’t have my boyfriend pick me up every time I have to overwork then I would probably do the same.”

He looks over at the window again, watching you yawn. “I didn’t know she’s been doing that…”

“You didn’t? But aren’t you with her every day?”

“Well…” he adverts his eyes.

Judging by his tone, something tells her that he and you haven’t been speaking much since the incident.

“Uhm…I was just wondering if she’s alright. She’s been doing fine, right?”

“Why don’t you ask her? She’s right there.”

“I-it’s okay. I have to head back to the dorms later. I just wanted to see if she was still there.”

“No, really! You should talk to her. I’m sure you’ll brighten her mood if you drop by and say hello.” Your coworker grabs him by the arm.

“N-no, it’s fine. I’m sure she doesn’t need any more distractions.”

She lowers her eyebrows, unamused by his answer. That’s when an idea sparks in her mind. She pulls him in to whisper something in his ears.

“You should really take some time to talk to her, even if you don’t want to. She’s been dying to talk to you.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Well…I’m not in the position to say this…but I have a feeling that she’ll never tell you, so I’m just gonna say it. She really likes you.”

He jerks his head back. “What?!”

She nods. “She’s probably gonna be mad if she finds out that I told you, but keep it a secret. But anyway, whatever’s going on with you and her, you two should move on from it. You two seem to have a really healthy relationship. It’s sad to see you guys are distant, especially hearing her talk about you every single day.”

His cheeks turn red. Not once has he ever noticed that this is how you feel about him. He just assumed that you weren’t interested since the other members are more attractive than him.

“Did she tell you?” He asks.

“Let me tell you more, but I don’t want her to be listening in to our conversation so…” she signals Jeongin to come closer with her hand.

He leans over and she continues whispering in his ear.

 As they’re chatting, it catches your attention. You raise your head up with a smile perking up when you see Jeongin. However, it quickly goes away when you notice that your coworker is holding his arm and whispering in his ear. There’s an aching pain in your heart which you can only describe as envy. Jeongin has been ignoring you for weeks on end, so it’s unfair to find that he allows your coworker to touch and talk to him like that, even when she has a boyfriend already.

“(Y/N)!” Your coworker calls from the door. “Jeongin is here. I’m gonna head out now. See you tomorrow!”

She walks off, pressing the elevator button and entering, leaving you and Jeongin alone. You stand up from your desk, grabbing your purse and folders.

“H-hey. How are you doing?” It’s been so long since you last spoke to him that you forgot how you normally talk to him.

“I’m doing fine. Your coworker said that you’re spending the night here?”

“Huh? Oh yea.”

You wish she didn’t tell him. It makes you feel slightly ashamed that you’re sleeping in such a public place even though you already have a place to stay. It isn’t that you have a lot of work that you have to stay here either, but it’s just that you’re afraid to go by yourself.

“You’ve been staying here?”

“Oh…yea…it’s a little late, s-so I thought it would be safer to just stay here.”

“I can walk home with you.”

“Wh-what?!”

“Are…are you okay with that?”

You’ve never thought that he would be the one to make the first move. He rarely is the one to approach you and suggest to tag along with you. There must’ve been something that your coworker said to make him ask you.

“You shouldn’t! It’s too dangerous for you to go alone! Just because you’re not a girl doesn’t mean that you can’t fall victim to sudden attacks too.”

“It’s not about that. Sleeping on those couches is not comfortable and you’ll get back pains from sleeping on those rocks. I can walk you to the train station.”

“But…”

He begins to sulk, puckering his bottom lips up and his eyes gleaming. You can never say no to him, so you have no other choice but to let him. Besides, this is also a great chance to talk to him. Hopefully, the awkward mood between you two will finally dissipate.

“Okay…”

==========

You two are at the train station, sitting on a bench together next to a soda machine. Just as you thought, it’s completely empty here—just you and Jeongin. Since you two haven’t spoken in a while, you don’t know what to talk about, so the silence makes the awkwardness louder.

“I-is there anything you want to drink?” He asks.

“It’s fine. Are you thirsty?” You stand up from your seat. “You don’t have to use your money or anything, so I can—”

“No, let me do it. What drink do you want?”

“I said it’s fine. I’ll buy for you.”

You get up from the bench, but Jeongin raises his hand in front of you to stop you from moving further. “What drink do you want?”

Adamant that he’s the one paying, you knew you lost the argument. You sit back down, thinking about what to drink. “Canned coffee is fine.”

He takes out his wallet from his jean pocket, picking out the right amount of coins. After inserting them inside the slot, he slouches his back slightly, picking two drinks—one Cola and one coffee.

“Here.”

“Thank you!” you set the can down and rummage through your purse.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m repaying you. How much was it?”

“You don’t have to pay me back.”

“What!? But vending machine prices have been increasing lately and you could’ve used that money for something else. This is the least I can do.”

He shakes his head as if he’s ashamed. “You can stop playing like a good person, Manager.”

The bluntness was like a direct shot in the heart. Judging by his tone, he sounded like he’s tired of you having to do everything for him, even the littlest of things. Although your intentions comes from a good place, you’re still able to annoy him, and it makes you feel guilty.

“O-oh…I’m sorry.”

Your apology made him realize what he said. “No…I should be the one sorry.”

He takes a seat once you have nothing else to say. Once again, the awkward atmosphere returns, and it’s so apparent that you two can’t bring yourselves to look at each other. The only sounds that are filling the space in between are the sips that you two take from your drinks.

“So…how have you been?” You ask.

“Good.”

“The hyungs aren’t messing with you?”

“No. They’ve been treating me well.”

“That’s good.”

A few more seconds of no talking.

“How’s work?”

“It’s going fine! It’s really time consuming, so I don’t get to visit you guys as much as I used to. I’m almost done, so I’ll be able to visit you guys soon,” but after making that suggestion, you retract from it. “B-but if I’m bothering you guys, then I won’t stay for too long.”

“I never said that you should leave. You’re our manager, so you can stay for as long as you like.”

“But…what if it’s disrupting your practice?”

Jeongin doesn’t reply immediately. Rather, he creases his eyebrows as if he doesn’t understanding where this is coming from. “You’ve never cared if it bothered you before. Why is it so different now?”

“B-because…”

“Is it because of what happened?”

You nearly stop breathing. He was being vague, but you know exactly what he means.

You shake your head profusely. “No! Never!”

“Then how come you’ve been sleeping at the company?”

“Well…like I said, I have a lot of work and—”

“Don’t lie to me…it’s my fault, isn’t it?”

“Wh-what?”

“You hate me, don’t you? It’s my fault that you’re scared of going home by yourself and why you don’t want to see us anymore.”

“No, don’t think like that!”

“Don’t sugar coat it for me! You know how much I don’t like being babied. Why can’t you just yell at me for once for the burden I put on you and the hyungs?! I really, really hate being let go of things that I deserve punishment for.”

You don’t know where this is coming from. From what you can guess, he can’t keep the guilt contained any longer and needs to let it off.

“When you and the hyungs supported me despite doxing personal information, you all still sided with me, but it felt forced. It wasn’t because you guys believed that what I still was justifiable, but because I’m the youngest and built this unconditional care for me. I-I’m thankful for it…but…it feels like I’m not growing because of that!”

His words are jumping from one place to another. It’s as if he’s spouting the first things that come to mind. You’re aware of the weight that he has to carry because of the mistake he made, but you didn’t expect it to be this heavy.

This is how he’s been feeling this entire time and you didn’t know. You were too afraid to ask, scared that he was going to ignore you. Due to that cowardice, it drifted you and him apart to the point that you don’t what’s going through his mind. You failed at being a manager—tending to the members’ needs and wants by putting yourself before them. Even though you’re afraid about what happened that day, you can’t forget that Jeongin went through more.

You place your hand over his, catching him off-guard. “We didn’t side with you because we love you unconditionally. We did because we knew that deep down, you weren’t the intruder’s accomplice.”

“B-but…I was the one who put us in danger.”

“Yea, but I know that you didn’t do it without consent. You were blackmailed and had to be put into a situation that you never planned to be involved in ever in your life. And…about me not visiting you guys as much as I did prior, I’m sorry about that. I thought you didn’t want me to be in the same room, so I left in hopes that it made you feel better.”

“…It didn’t.”

Your eyes widen when he puts his other hand over yours. But what was more surprising was how he was no longer fighting back his tears.

“I miss those days when you came to see us, those times when we played around. Seeing you always brightened my day, even if that day was terrible. Just a glimpse of you was enough to make me forget about all the bad things.”

Your heart races, never expecting for this situation to turn intimate.

“But when you started seeing us less, I thought it was because you hated me. I kept avoiding you for weeks, and then I put you in a vulnerable spot where I pathetically watched as you were being tormented by that stupid guy! I hate myself because everything’s my fault.”

He continues to cry, lowering his head for being too ashamed to make eye contact. Tears fall from his cheeks, each drip representing the pressure that he desired to escape from.

Unable to bear seeing him tear himself apart, you wrap your arms around him and pull him in for a hug. He stops sobbing, processing what’s going on.

“I’m sorry, Jeongin. I didn’t know what you were going through, but don’t let it get to you.”

You hug him tighter, then he puts his head on your shoulder.

“You’re not getting it off easily because we all know that what you did was for the better. If you did what he said, then you would’ve risked Twice’s privacy, but you were willing to risk your integrity and your relationship with your hyungs so that they’re safe.”

He buries his face in your shoulder, his tears soaking into your shirt. “I thought he was a nice person, but when I found out that he wasn’t, I was so scared. I wanted to tell you guys everything, but I was afraid that it was going to get you guys in trouble. I didn’t know what to do.”

“It’s okay. It’s over with. There’s no need to keep moping,” you pull back, showing your smile. “It’s in the past. All you can do left is acknowledged it happen, not let it happen again, and keep moving forward.”

He sniffles, wiping the tears from his eyes with his palms. His sparkling eyes look back at you with such innocence that you can’t believe someone is heartless enough to take advantage of him. You reach into your purse and take out some tissue. Without thinking, you wipe his tears yourself, which caught him by surprise. He jerks back a little, but he continues to give you permission to touch his face.

It’s been a long time since you had such a personal conversation with him that it’s making you a little nervous. You can’t even look at him any longer than a few seconds before having to turn around. But amidst your timid behavior, you feel something warm around your hand. It’s Jeongin’s hand, wrapping his long fingers around your knuckles.

This move alone is enough to cause a rush of explosive emotions. You always did well hiding how you felt about him, but it may be because of your lack of interaction with him that it’s been more difficult than usual. You’re too ashamed to look at him in the eyes, afraid that he’ll catch your red face.

“Sometimes I wish you would go harder on me like how you are with the older members. Why won’t you?”

“Be-because…”

“Don’t tell me that it’s because I’m the youngest.” His innocent, puppy eyes then turn serious.

Your heart skips a beat like fireworks are going off.

“You see me as a child, so is that why you aren’t going hard on me?”

“N-n…”

“I’m a man too, you know? I don’t like being called the baby, especially by you,” He inches closer to your face. “That’s why I work out a lot, so that you don’t see me as a baby anymore. I don’t sing those ridiculous children songs anymore because I want you to see me in a different light. That’s why you should let me grow up.”

“I-I am…”

“And your age isn’t all that far from me either, and yet, you treat me like a child.”

He’s moving in so close that you have to push him away. “H-hey…we’re in public, Jeongin.”

“We’re alone. It’s fine,” he holds onto your hand. “Tell me honestly, what do you think of me?”

Your heart is pounding so loud that Jeongin must be able to hear it. You look away, too embarrassed to look at him. You keep thinking about what others might think if they found out about your feelings for him.

“No! I don’t wanna say!” You press on his chest and push him off.

Because of your resilience, it irritates him slightly. “I know it’s my fault for pushing you to the side a lot, but you don’t have to be so dismissive with me when I’m asking you a question.”

“No! You don’t understand!!”

“Understand what?!”

“That…that…”

Your face turns redder. You’re so ashamed to look that you can’t even bring yourself to look at him. Exhausted from your refusal to speak, he presses both his hands against your cheeks and forces you to look at his face.

“If you won’t tell me, then can I assume what I think it is?”

Your heart skips a beat, hoping that he doesn’t hit the target accurately. “Wh-what are you thinking?”

He smiles slyly, and that’s when you realization that your assumption is correct. He closes his eyes as he leans closer to you. Even though you’re afraid, you can’t move your body. You know that what he’s doing isn’t right, especially since his reputation is on the line.

You thought about what your coworker said about worrying too much about his own sake. Although his public image is important, his personal life matters just as much, if not, more. He’s been going through so much, so the least you could do is answer him. You hold onto his sleeve, closing your eyes as well. You don’t want to turn down the person you like for a long time.

However, the mood switches when you and Jeongin hear the sound of a camera shutter go off. A white flash blinds you and him, and the color in your eyes fade when you discover the same intruder is standing a few feet away from you two, holding a camera in his hands.

“Hey!”

The man runs off, and Jeongin chases after him.

“Jeongin, wait!”

You chase after him, leaving your can of coffee on the bench.

==========

No matter how fast you run, you can never catch up to Jeongin and the man. At some point, you lost sight of them, so you slow down to catch your breath. You knew that he wasn’t caught by the police, but you would’ve never expected him to find them again.

You never noticed that man there because you were too focused on Jeongin, and because of that, his reputation is at risk. You pull your hair, repeatedly calling yourself an idiot for letting your emotions override your logic. You knew it was better to watch for his reputation than to let your selfish desires take over.

You know you should let somebody know about this, but you don’t know who. You thought about contacting the other managers, but they’re in a different city with some of the other members. You try thinking about the members who are close by, and the only person you can think of is Chan. You dial his number, praying that he picks up the call.

“Hello?”

“Chan? Chan!”

“It’s really late. Did you need something?”

“The…the intruder…Jeongin is chasing after the intruder!”

“Wait, what? What are you talking about?”

“The guy…who broke into the building…He saw me and Jeongin, and he’s chasing after the guy right now.”

“Whoa, hold on…What?! Where are you guys?!”

“We’re at the north train station. Well…we were, but they ran off somewhere and I can’t find them. What should we do?? Should I call the police?”

“If you can’t find them, then that means you’re alone! Go back to the building and I’ll call the police. It’s too dangerous for you to be walking around late at night.”

“But…” you look at the direction that Jeongin and the man ran toward.

“Hurry back!” Chan hangs up, most likely so that he can call the police.

You stare at your call history after he hung up. He did warn you to go back to the building, but a part of you wants to search for Jeongin. You know it’s safer for you to return, but you can’t leave Jeongin in the hands of danger, especially with that man. You apologize to Chan in your head, continuing to follow the trail that Jeongin and man went.

==========

Despite following the road they took, you can’t seem to find them. You try calling Jeongin’s phone, but he won’t pick up. Each time the phone goes to voicemail, it worries you even more that he might’ve gotten hurt.

“Where could you have gone?” You mumble to yourself.

You run up a staircase that leads to a bridge above a freeway. You pray that going to the peak of the bridge will give you a good view of your surroundings. As you press your stomach on the rails with your hand resting on the fence above the rails, the dark night makes it nearly impossible to inspect the area. You turn around, exhaling with exhaustion. You’re unable to think of anywhere else that Jeongin and that man could’ve gone to.

You check your phone to find a spam of text messages from Chan. He must be upset that you didn’t do as you were told. You debate on whether or not you should return and hear his wrath or if you should continue your search for Jeongin. One half of you thinks that this search is pointless and should be handed to the police. However, the other half believes that you should continue in hopes that the longer you search, the chances you’ll find him.

But realistically speaking, it’s better if you go back. You worried Chan and the other boys enough. “Sorry, Jeongin.”

Before putting your phone back in your pocket, you check the time to see that it’s past midnight. You pick up your feet and drag them across the ground.

However, you’re at a halt when a familiar man stands a few feet away from you. You recognized him immediately—you can never get that deadpan look on his face out of your head. You’re frozen, figuring out how to comprehend that the man is standing in front of you, and without Jeongin.

“It looks like you’re alone.” He speaks.

You voice is caught in your throat, unable to say anything snarky. You can’t tell if he’s armed, but with or without it, you’re still scared. You know what he’s capable of, yet you don’t know what he’s thinking about right now.

“Wh-where’s Jeongin?”

He rotates his head to crack them as he groans. “Why do you care about that kid?! You should be worried about yourself. Fuck if I know where he went.”

You take a step back and he takes a step forward. He finds amusement in your fear, so he smirks. “Because of you and that damn kid, I almost went to jail. Do you guys not know how pissed off I am??”

“What are you talking about?! You’re the one who doxed their information and blackmailed Jeongin to give you photos of Twice!”

“What?!” He grinds his teeth. “Are you saying that it’s my fault?? That spoiled brat can’t do shit! He gets to see them every day, and I’m the one who deserves being punished?!”

At this rate, there’s no point in reasoning with him. No matter what you say, he’ll find an excuse to avoid responsibility.

“I’m so fucking mad right now. I took that photo of you and him so I can use that against him too. He tried chasing me down the streets and thankfully I was able to avoid him. But because of him, I dropped my damn camera! Since I found you, I might as well let some steam off.”

Oh no. Without thinking, you turn around and run down the stairs. He chases after you, sprinting at full speed. Even though there are dozens of cars in the freeway, but none of them are coming out to help. You can hear his footsteps, but you’re too afraid to look behind and see how close he is.

As you jog down the stairs, your hair is grabbed by the man. He pulls you back, causing you to fall backward and hit your back against the cement stairs. With the railings covering what he’s doing to you, the cars can’t see anything.

“Let’s finish off where it last left.” He snickers.

Your eyes become teary, believing that his face might be the last thing you’ll see before you die. It may sound a bit overly dramatic, but not knowing what’s going to happen, the worst outcome is the only thing you can think of. All you want to do now is apologize to the members for not being a competent manager.

“Get your hands off of her!” A familiar voice come from the distance.

You glance at the top of the bridge to find a dark figure. The moonlight behind the person’s head blackens his features, making it difficult to see the face. However, you can tell who this person is.

Jeongin runs down the steps and lunges at the man. The two roll down the staircase until they meet at the bottom. With Jeongin on top, he puts his knees on the man’s arms so he can’t hurt him. Now that you can see him under a better light, it’s clear that Jeongin is filled with rage. If you thought the man was upset, it’s nothing compared to his.

In one full swing, he punches the man across the face, so far that his head turned in the same direction as his fist. Jeongin punches again, but with his other hand. He repeats this back and forth—one hand then the other. You watch in horror as you’ve never seen him this angry before. He’s gotten irritated and shouted, but never gone to the extent of physically hurting somebody else. He always blamed himself whenever there was trouble.

You don’t want to see him like this. You snap out of it and run toward him. You pull him back, getting a quick glimpse of his torn, bloody knuckles from all the excessive beating. It scares you a bit, but you shake that thought out of your head and focus on pulling him away.

You’re able to pull him away. Around the same time, one driver gets out of his car and detains the man before he can escape. He struggles to escape the driver’s grasp as he shouts very curse word in the dictionary.

“Why did you pull me away?!”

His question catches you off-guard. “Wh-what?”

“Why didn’t you let me continue?! He deserves to get beaten!”

“B-because! I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

“Don’t you remember everything’s he done to us?! He goes out of his way to make sure that our lives are miserable. And you’re letting him get away with it?”

“No! That’s not it!”

As the debate continues, a crowd begins to form. Rather than this being a serious situation, the people around you and him becomes a spectacle as they whip out their phones to record it. But it doesn’t matter how many people are around you. You’re only paying attention to Jeongin.

“I get it…you’re frustrated. You’re upset about everything he’s done to you, but I don’t want you to sink to his level,” You hold onto his arm. “You’re better than this scum. You worked hard for years to be where you’re at. Don’t waste it away because of a jerk who doesn’t know what you’ve been through.”

His anger subsides and relaxes his shoulders. It turns out that the anger is just a disguise for the tears that he’s been hiding. He covers his eyes with the palm of his hands as he sobs.

“I’m so angry with myself. I couldn’t save you when you were being attacked by him back at the company, so when I saw how he was hurting you again, I couldn’t control myself. I didn’t want to stand in fear anymore.”

As he continues crying, you wrap your arms around him now knowing that you two won’t go through any trouble anymore. You have a feeling that this will be the last time the man will harass both you and Jeongin. It’s almost like the clouds have finally allowed the sun to shine on the two of you.

----------

“So…” You begin.

You and Jeongin are walking across the hall of the company building. There are Band-Aids all over his knuckles, and you have one over your left cheek. It’s been a few days since the incident, and you and Jeongin have finally returned to normal.

You’re hiding your hands behind your back, a little embarrassed to ask him a certain question. But your curiosity was getting the better of you that you need to know. “That one night…what were you talking about with my co-worker?”

His cheeks turn red, turning away from you as he sucks in his lips. His reaction makes you even more nervous.

“You were very comfortable with her…n-not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m just wondering.”

“Why are you wondering?”

His questioning makes you even more worried. “W-when did you guys started talking?”

“That was our first time. She knows who I am, but I didn’t know her.”

“Did she tell you something?” You press on, but you try not to pry too much.

He bites his bottom lip. “It’s a secret.”

“What?! But I thought we agreed on no more secrets.”

“Yea, but…if I tell you then you’ll get angry.”

“No I won’t!”

“Then why do you want to know?” He chuckles.

Your face turns red. “B-because…”

“I’ll tell you but you have to tell me why you want to know.”

“No!”

You and Jeongin continue the conversation while walking down the hall. In the midst of you talking, he zones out, thinking about the past few weeks. Every single day felt unbearable because he couldn’t bear to look at you knowing the deeds he’s done. He never thought the day you would talk to him casually again would happen. It makes him smile knowing that you two finally made it to the other side.

“Why are you smiling? Did my coworker say something about me?”

He averts his eyes, hesitating to speak. “No.”

“I knew it! What did she say about me?!

“Nothing.”

“You’re lying. I wanna know what you guys talked about.”

“Are you jealous?”

“Jealous?!” Your entire face turns red. “Never.”

He wraps his arm around you, pulling you closer to him. You fall onto his chest, and this makes your face turn redder. You can’t believe that this is the same person you first met long ago when he was just seventeen. He was so shy that he barely said a word during the first introduction.

“What we talked about isn’t important.” He rests his head on top of yours.

If he could, then he would kiss you. But since you guys are in public, he doesn’t want to risk anybody catching him kissing you again. Perhaps one day, he’ll be more confident and tell you his real feelings as well. He’s not there yet, since he wants to wait until he’s sure that you no longer see him as a child. For now, holding you close to him is the best he can do. Never will he ever let what happened before happen again between you and him.

[End]

A/N: Thank you everyone for reading this until the end! I hope everyone is safe and sound :) Even though lots of us are going through hard times, I’m sure we can get through this. This fanfic took me a long time because I was stuck on a long brain fart :( Anyway, I want you all to have a wonderful day!

[delimeful]

the shapes in the silence (1)

aka the tiny dragon virgil au you never knew you needed

warnings: fear, hunger, feeling trapped

Chapter 1 

Virgil paced through his room in agitation, measuring pros and cons in his head. He didn’t want any of the other Sides to see him like this, for a multitude of reasons, but he’d put off eating to stew in bed for too long, and hunger had come back with a vengeance. 

Normally, this wouldn’t be too much of a problem. He would slink out of his room, use the well-worn shadowy corners of the mindscape to get to the shared common area, and lurk until he could find a moment where nobody was there. 

Those moments were far and few between, what with Patton’s insistence on cooking at all hours, as though trying to impart some of his culinary skills upon their host through persistence alone. Still, worst came to worst, he could always bluff through it. Patton knew when to back off most of the time, and the others were clearly more than happy to avoid contact with him whenever possible. 

That was normally, though, and now definitely wasn’t normal, he thought to himself, tail lashing behind him. 

Yeah, a freaking tail. Because he was currently in the form of a deep purple, chihuahua-sized dragon.

He’d worked himself into a panic attack the first time he’d woken up like this after a bad night, nearly drowning in his suddenly huge blankets, but by now it was just an unfortunate fact of his miserable life. If he got too worked up, he would change, and be stuck like that, no access to most of his normal abilities, until he’d turn back at seemingly random. He’d managed to wait every transformation out safely in his room so far, but after three days of little sleep and all his hoarded food gone... 

His small, leathery wings flapped a couple of times with his irritation, and he snorted, forcing the extra set of limbs to lay flat on his back. Of all things to become when he was sufficiently stressed… Well, it wasn’t like Thomas’s nonsensical mind was anything new to him. He should have expected this, really.  

...He couldn’t even have been a normal-sized dragon. At least then he’d be able to scare others off. Unbelievable. 

He paused for a moment at the door, pressing one of his deer-like ears against it. It was… fairly quiet. At the very least, if Roman or Patton were out there, he’d be able to hear them. Plus, at this size, it’d certainly be easier to hide in the shadows. His stomach reminded him of how empty it was with a grumble, and he grumbled back at it. 

Fine, he’d risk his scaly skin trying to get something to eat. Everything could go terribly wrong, but that wasn’t anything new for him anyways. 

He glanced up at the locked doorknob to his room, and then focused on wanting out. His room very thoughtfully provided a cat-flap, so well blended with his door that he almost missed it. He hissed petulantly at the indignity, and then pushed through it anyways. Better to have a quick way back into his room if things went south. 

He started down the hall at a swift jaunt, confident that nobody would come down this hallway since his room was the only one connected to it. Once he reached the stairs to the common area, he slowed considerably. He’d never seen the area while in this form, and it all felt so… large. 

He shook himself. No time to stall. 

Carefully, he slunk down the stairs, keeping away from the bannister so he could slide right into the more shadowy corner at the foot of them. He crept along the edge of the wall. If he followed it, he would end up at the doorway to the kitchen eventually-

A small movement, and he froze. 

On the padded armchair, Logan was sitting, back straight as he paged through a book. He’d almost missed the logical side with the way the chair was angled to the rest of the room. He berated himself. 

Roman was certainly the worst of the three he could run into here, but Logan was a close second. The Side had shown he was quite persistent in attempting to understand anything that confused him, and a cat-sized dragon sneaking around was sure to catch his attention. He shuddered. Definitely didn’t want to give Logan the opportunity to break out the mad scientist tools.

Slower, he continued moving, thankful that Logan’s attention was focused on the words in front of him. He made it to the kitchen entrance and peered in. No sign of Patton or any in-progress meals in sight, which made him almost sag with relief. He drew his claws in, careful to make as little noise as possible against the tile as he stalked over to the cracked-open pantry door. A full meal was impossible to make, so he’d just have to take as much as he could carry, and sneak out, preferably taking the other wall to be behind Logan’s line of sight. 

Unfortunately, as much as he could carry was… not a lot, at this size. Not only that, but he craved meat in this form more than anything. Beggars couldn’t be choosers, though, so he carefully sized up the jump and crouched, before leaping to the bottom shelf with a light thump. He froze, but heard no sounds indicating that Logan was getting up. Okay. So far, so good. 

He pushed himself up onto his hind legs, and gripped the shelf above with his claws, pulling himself up with an effort that strained his shaky muscles. His wings automatically started beating to give himself a boost, and he hurried to fold them back down yet again. Damned things. They were a lighter purple on the thin flesh that stretched between each wing joint, and ridiculously eye-catching. 

Still, his slip up didn’t seem loud enough that it would draw attention. Luckily, he’d left some of his stuff on the shelf second from the bottom, meaning that he didn’t have to do any more climbing. His food was mostly devoid of crinkly wrappers, so that his stealth kitchen runs were as quiet as possible. 

Before he could properly grab a protein bar, which was massively oversized in his little clawed hands, he heard footsteps on the tile. He immediately scurried back, pushing himself into the back corner of the shelf. In his rush, a bag of unpopped popcorn slid halfway off the shelf. He silently willed it not to fall, and then the pantry door was pulled fully open, letting in the ambient light. A pleasant humming was audible above him.

He stared at the blue shirt, his vision of the rest of the Side cut off by the shelf, pupils blown wide with fear and webbed ears pressed flat against his skull. Don’t panic, he told himself sternly. It was just Patton, probably grabbing something to snack on or trying to figure out what to make for dinner. Don’t panic. He just had to stay quiet and wait it out. Don’t-

Patton’s leg bumped the edge of the popcorn bag, and he paused in his humming. 

“Oh, who left this out?” 

His heart stopped as Patton crouched down, grabbing the errant bag and scanning the shelf for where it belonged. Soft brown eyes locked onto his own, and for a moment they were both frozen. 

Patton dropped the popcorn with a thud. “Oh my stars…” 

This was bad. Virgil tried to shove himself further back into the corner, barely seeing Patton’s starstruck expression. This was bad, this was bad. Patton lifted a hand and Virgil’s eyes snapped to it, his wings flaring out like a bird trying to make itself look bigger. He bared his teeth, a low growl rising up from his chest.

“Woah, woah, easy little guy! I’m not gonna hurt you, I promise,” Patton hurried to reassure him, leaning back and tucking his hands underneath himself. “It’s okay, it’s okay.” 

The motion of sitting on one’s hands was so quintessentially Patton that some of the cloying fear faded from his mind. He immediately cut off the growling and made himself smaller, tucking his wings back in. What was he thinking, acting like some kind of feral animal? If it had been anyone but Patton, they’d have seen him as a threat for sure, and disposed of him accordingly. This form was so small, he wouldn’t even be able to fight back. 

Patton’s gaze seemed to brighten as he saw Virgil ‘calm down’, an awed smile crossing his face. “Well aren’t you just the cutest! What are you doing in our pantry, kiddo? Are you hungry?” 

Virgil was thankful that he couldn’t blush in this form, because this was utterly embarrassing. His ears flicked back and forth for a moment, wondering how he was going to get Patton to let him go, when his stomach made a groaning protest at even the mention of food. He resisted the urge to disown it. Patton gasped in surprise, and then nodded firmly, determination in the set of his brow. 

“Don’t you worry, little guy. I’m gonna fix you up something great!” 

With that, the moral side reached into the pantry with both hands, gently maneuvering Virgil out of his corner and into Patton’s arms. He tried to scuttle backwards, but Patton made soothing noises at him, and it wasn’t like he could actually bite him. The side clearly hadn’t figured out who he was; he had to depend on that if he wanted to make it out of this unscathed. He had to act timid, harmless. It was a jarring change from his normal persona. 

Still, he couldn’t help but dig his claws into Patton’s skin as he found himself high up in the air, suspended only by Patton’s arms. Sure he had wings, but it wasn’t like he’d ever practiced using them! 

Thankfully, Patton seemed content to set him down on the counter, smiling at him cheerily before opening the fridge to search its contents, beginning to list out possible food items he could use. Virgil eyed the drop to the ground, still a little dizzy from being lifted so suddenly. If he ran, would Patton chase him? He’d still be hungry, either way. Patton was treating him kindly, if a little patronizing, so would it really hurt to play the role long enough to get a meal...? So long as the other sides didn’t find out-

“Patton? Who are you talking to-?”     

Logan’s voice cut off sharply as Virgil whirled around, nearly slipping off the counter. No, no, no, no, no. Of course all the commotion had been audible from the living room. He turned tail as Logan approached, but before he could attempt to scale the fridge, a hand carefully seized the base of his wings, pinning them together the way one would hold a captured butterfly. His feet slid against the slick countertop uselessly. Trapped. Oh god, Logan was going to figure him out immediately and they were going to call Roman to slay him for being a monster and-

“Is this a… miniature dragon?” Logan asked, curiosity coloring his voice. Virgil’s tail lashed back and forth desperately as he ineffectively tried to wriggle out of the hold.

“Logan!” Patton greeted, “Yeah, I found him in the pantry! I’m trying to figure out what to make for him, poor thing’s half-starved!” 

“Curious.” He curled in on himself as Logan ran a critical eye over his form. “Starved seems like a mild exaggeration. What did you have in mind?” 

Patton hummed for a moment in consideration. “I’m not sure! What do you think, Lo?” 

“Well,” Logan shifted his grip, and Virgil suddenly found fingers prying open his mouth with relative ease, “going by its molars and canines, I would estimate it follows a mostly carnivorous diet.” 

He shook his head free of Logan’s grasp, growling lowly despite himself. Thankfully, Logan seemed unperturbed, simply turning away from him. 

“Beyond that, Patton, I find it likely that this creature escaped the Imagination. It would likely be happier to be returned to its natural habitat.” 

Virgil froze at the words, panic seeping through like ice in his veins. He already had a hard enough time defending himself in the Imagination when he had access to all his abilities. Like this, he didn’t stand a chance.

“Aww, c’mon kiddo, I want to make sure he’s properly fed before anything else! I’m sure Roman won’t mind if we keep an eye on the lil’ guy until he gets back, right?” Patton turned his pleading gaze onto Logan, who managed an admirable ten seconds before admitting defeat with a sigh and adjusting his glasses. 

“Very well. Is there anything I can do to help?”  

“Don’t worry about it, Lo. I’m not the,” he lifted a package of sausages from the fridge, “wurst at cooking, you know!” 

Logan groaned in admonishment at the pun, and then looked at Virgil consideringly. “In that case, I will keep an eye on our… unexpected guest.” 

Virgil’s stomach dropped unpleasantly, but he forced himself to focus. Patton had bought him time, so he wasn’t doomed just yet. They still thought he was just a dumb animal. He only needed to find an opportunity to get away. 

Despite his inner pep talk, he still shied away when Logan reached out for him, lifting him off the counter like one would lift a scruffed kitten. It was much less supportive than Patton’s carry was, and he started shaking in the hold, nerves getting the better of him. He’d been trying to suppress his instincts as best he could, but what was the point? It wasn’t like they knew it was him.

Logan didn’t pause as he walked past the array of furniture in the common area, heading upstairs, and Virgil felt his heart enter his throat. Where were they going? Was Logan taking him to the Imagination after all? Did he already know who he was, and was simply waiting until they were alone to get rid of him, to spare Patton the trouble? A distressed warble came out of his throat as he twisted in Logan’s grip.

“Stop moving,” the grip on him tightened, “I am not going to harm you.” 

Like he could trust that. Still, his thrashing slowed once he realized they weren’t, in fact, headed toward Roman’s side of the Mindscape. They were headed towards Logan’s room. He barely refrained from shooting a longing glance back at his own hall, trapped by Logan’s firm hold. So close, and yet so far.

Once they’d passed into the logical side’s room, he found himself deposited on Logan’s desk. He couldn’t help but take a moment to stare around, having never been in any of the others’ rooms before.

There were a surplus of books piled around, unsurprisingly, but also a large, slowly revolving globe and an oversized telescope in one corner. A whiteboard took up half a wall, the air smelling faintly of dry erase marker. There seemed to be star maps charted out on the ceiling, and he wondered if Logan had drawn them by hand or simply willed the room that way.

Before he could take in any more, there was the sudden sensation of cold metal against his front leg, and a simple clicking sound. He jumped, waving his leg as though to shake the foreign object off. It remained steadily in place, and he stared at the small, metal band, heart racing in his ears.

It was a cuff, inscribed with small glowing circuits. 

“There,” Logan said with an air of satisfaction. “with that, you won’t be able to wander off while we aren’t looking.” 

[gaemichwi]

Barians: HC Masterlist

This is literally just a collection of headcanons I tend to reach for when writing the Barians, with a focus on the ones I used while writing the nothing is forever series on Ao3.

The Cat

The Barians adopted a cat because Alit wanted to. They named it Alcor, but no one actually calls her that. She likes Vector best because his body heat is perfect for snuggles.

In nothing is forever, Ally leads Vector on goose chases all around the Kamishiro mansion, which is how he gets to know about the different, varying rooms that the mansion has. It’s also how he finds the library he ends up moving into during of what can be salvaged.

Generally, Alit takes care of Ally, but Vector is the one who feeds her and plays with her the most.

The Community Centre/Gym

All of the Barians save for Vector go to the community centre, which is basically just a gym with a swimming pool and a spa, along with some other facilities. Here’s what they all do there:

Mizael does yoga and has a collection of leggings and sports bras as well as a fancy expensive personal yoga mat that he brings to every class because he refuses to use something someone else has sweated on. He also likes the treadmills for cardio.

Alit and Gilag generally stick to the kind of regime a body-builder would have, and love pushing themselves on the weights. Sometimes, when Alit is going through it, he pushes himself a bit too hard and is known to injure himself, so Gilag keeps an eye on him whenever he’s having a bad week. They have protein shakes and love trying new recipes at home with their fancy expensive blender (yes they splurged on a Vitamix).

Merag sometimes joins Mizael for yoga, but generally likes going for the spa treatments the track for running. She also likes lounging by the pool in her bikini, reading romance novels and drinking smoothies.

Nasch only goes when Yuuma and co. drag him out, but he’s known to get weirdly competitive over squash and tennis, anything that involves a racket.

Durbe literally just uses the elliptical, breaks a sweat five minutes in, and goes to find Mizael who is too busy meditating to give a shit that he wants to go home.

When Vector finally starts going with everyone, I imagine he’d like the pool a lot and just sitting on the edge letting his feet and calves dip in. He refuses to do anything like water aerobics and gets dragged into doing HIIT exercises with Alit who only wants to help him get his muscles back after being sedentary for so long. He does yoga with Mizael sometimes but hates it because he’s too fidgety to stay in some of the positions for that long (though he did like the one class where they were in constant movement between poses, not that he’ll admit it).

Clothes and Fashion

The Barians (save for Nasch and Merag) aren’t exactly aware of this era’s gender customs (and also don’t care about them) when it comes to clothes, so they kinda just buy whatever they think is comfortable/looks good.

For example, Mizael buys sports bras and leggings for exercise, not because they’re functional but because he thinks they look better on him than t-shirts and shorts. For that matter, Mizael also owns at least one dress and a maxi skirt, because he wore a skirt for centuries as a Barian Lord and, quite frankly, isn’t about to stop now.

Vector would also own skirts if he ever actually went shopping or wore anything other than hoodies and sweats. He’s kinda the definition of a NEET, and has stopped looking after himself for the most part. If he went shopping, he’d definitely buy a sarong for the beach to wear over swim trunks.

Alit found out that crop tops exist and immediately bought ten to show off his hard-earned abs. Most of his clothes are athleisure, shorts and tees and sweats and tracksuits that are super comfy for working out and playing soccer. He also owns those tank tops where armholes are super exaggerated because “side-abs are good abs too.”

Gilag can’t find much that fits him, so everything is either too baggy or too tight. He has The Hulk Problem, and generally doesn’t buy expensive things because he’s afraid they’ll just rip or tear anyway. He also owns one crop top because Alit thought it’d be cool to match at the gym. They’re really cute when they wear them together, but everyone thinks they’re lame as hell.

Durbe literally dresses the same as he always does, and has a collection of scarves because he is literally always cold for some reason. Sweater vests also became a staple. He really embodies the old-school idea of “nerd.”

We already know how Nasch and Merag dress so nothing new there. Nasch is still a try-hard. Rio is cute as hell.

Interactions

Merag and Mizael share beauty tips. Mizael insists on keeping his hair long and dying it blonde, so Merag introduced him to good haircare to keep it hydrated and soft and healthy. Mizael also wears some makeup (mostly mascara to look more awake and CC cream to look healthier), which he picked up from Rio. They watch beauty guru YouTube drama together and increasingly complicated braiding tutorials.

Vector also knows how to makeup because in his depression, he’s 100% gone down the YouTube hole of related videos. Because of this, he’s a master at winged liner (he stole Merag’s to practice).

Alit and Gilag are obviously besties, hands down no different from canon they’re just supportive bros who do lots together. Though Alit has broken off a lot since becoming human, like joining the school’s soccer team and having had at least two girlfriends and a billion crushes.

Gilag and Vector are friends. Tentatively. Gilag likes cooking and always cooks for the whole household, but makes a special effort to make sure Vector’s eating properly by always making food he likes or food that’s easy on the stomach. They watch cartoons together and don’t talk a lot, but they’re very comfortable around each other. Gilag sings along to theme songs and Sanagi songs and Vector doesn’t judge him. Gilag’s also the only one who knows where the secret library in the mansion is because Vector trusts him enough for that. Gilag’s like, the one person Vector is incapable of being snarky or angry at.

Mizael used to have a crush on Durbe but got over it when he realized he’d always be the second choice next to Nasch. Nasch is gay for Yuuma so Durbe is perpetually alone. Of course, I always pair Vector up with either Merag or Mizael, but I’m staying away from including it in the nothing is forever series just because I hate the “depression is cured by relationship” trope and don’t want to fall into that.

Rio thinks Alit’s a hottie but sees him as more of a little brother than anything else. She’s like, his number one hype-woman and always talks him up to the girls he likes because she likes seeing how happy he is in relationships. She truly believes he’ll find The One.

[hargroves-angel]

Cookies And Cream 🏹🍪

Chapter 4 ~ Devil’s Food Cake

A/N - Hope you like 😈, Contains sexual references and swearing.

// Chapter 5 - Ice cream // Cookies And Cream Masterlist //

Soft music played from Y/Ns house. She was baking again. Billy had noticed how she liked to hum along to the song, whilst placing some sort of ingredients into a bowl and turning it into a delicious treat. He smiled at the thought of her dainty fingers icing cupcakes, or cutting cookies into various shapes.

How she would bite her lip in concentration trying to make sure she got everything perfect. Billy couldn’t help himself day dream as he worked out, looking out the window, a small smile on his face.

El let out a small giggle as her and Max peaked from her room at Billy. “Shh!” Max hissed.

Billy head moved up to see the two girls heads looking at him.

“Maxine! You little shithead” billy shoved the his weights down and stomped to her door. She shoved El back into her room and told her to hold the door closed with her powers so Billy couldn’t get in.

The girls giggled as El held it closed, Billy banging on it.

“I swear to god Maxine if you fucking tell anyone I’m gonna!” He got distracted by seeing Y/N at her window sill, she placed a pie on it. Her eyes glancing up to meet Billy’s. He let out of forced smile and a wave, leaning against the door as if he was just casually standing there, his cheeks were bright red.

Max noticed his shouting stop, she’d planned this out exactly, “c’mon!” She giggled, pulling El with her to the window as they clambered out.

Y/Ns smile made Billy feel warm and fuzzy inside as she gave him a small wave and went back into the kitchen. Leaving him to go back to yelling at Max.

He pushed against the door and practically fell in as it was no longer supported by whatever weight used to be there. He looked at the window, it was open.

“Fucking bitch” he muttered. This was getting out of hand.

The next day rolled around quickly after that little fiasco. It was Friday thankfully, Billy wouldn’t have that ‘hungry’ feeling he got all day. It was all Y/Ns fault, she kept making him feel like that, he hated it but at the same time it made him feel fuzzy and it was like a natural high, he was addicted to her. Not that he’d admit it of course, the problem was that Billy hadn’t bedded her yet. His sexual desires and fantasies were getting too much for him, his hand simply wasn’t enough.

He needed to get laid, and fast but unfortunately he hadn’t as much glanced at the other girls at Hawkins, who would try to drape themselves across him at every given chance, a chance which was quite rare, as he was always with her now.

Billy knocked on Y/Ns door. He’d come over early for those bacon and eggs you’d mentioned. He heard shuffling coming from the other side of the door, her face making him stand up a bit straighter, act a little more manly.

She smiled at his presence.

“Billy! You’re here for bacon and eggs I assume?” He nodded happily. She let him inside.

He knew her house so well, well mostly the downstairs, he had yet to venture into the bedrooms upstairs, in particular her own but he got a basic idea from what he could see from his window.

“Here you go” she handed him a large plate with 4 rashers of bacon on it and two eggs. “You have the basketball game later so I wanted to make sure you’re extra fed, protein and all that” she grinned.

He took a bite from the bacon.

“You can bake and cook! These are amazing” he beamed up at her. “You not having anything, beautiful?” She giggled at the name.

“I’ve already eaten mine, had a bagel, it was actually quite nice” She opened up the fridge to get some orange juice. Billy noticed the amount of ingredients in one fridge.

He finished the breakfast in mere minutes. Licking his lips. “Your an Angel Y/N” he let slip.

“Pardon?” She asked, not hearing his quiet words.

“Y-You coming to the basketball game then?” He switched the subject.

“Obviously, wouldn’t miss it for the world especially since you’re playing, you ready to go?” Billy nodded and they headed to school.

Y/N was surrounded by various girls the minute she stepped out of Billy’s car, even with all of those girls with her she made time to say goodbye to Billy and Make sure he’s ok. For Billy it was the little things like that, that made him feel important, like someone cared, mushy shit like that. He didn’t like it but he also did... things were confusing.

Eventually the basket ball game arrived. Billy ran out onto the court with his teammates, his chest was already glistening with sweat from pure excitement to win the game, he was the teams star player after all, so why deny the inevitable. 

His eyes scanned the room, he didn't know why he was looking for her it wasn't as if he cared about her but maybe she would be impressed by his muscles... he had been working out even more for this game, and this game only obviously. 

He saw her sat with Carol on the bench. She was so effortlessly enchanting, no! - She was hot just hot... the whistle shoved him out of his thoughts. 

The game started off with Billy allowing the other team to think they have the upper hand and let them score two points, then he completely smashed them, scoring his team 5 points. 

After every shot he made his head whipped round making sure she saw him, she always did, a proud smile on her face and a cheer of his name leaving her lips. 

In the end Billys team ended up winning by miles. His teammates all congratulated each other with the students cheering. He had a huge smile on his face, the rush of the game fueling him. Y/N rushed down the steps and engulfed him a hug, Billy could've sworn time stopped. Everything else went fuzzy the only thing he could focus on was her. his heart beating exceptionally fast. He didn't know where to put his arms, he stood near enough stiff with that ‘hungry’ feeling again. What was happening to him, was he... was he dying? 

“Im so proud of you Billy!” she pulled away from the hug, reality hit Billy back in the face as he realised that must've been really awkward on her part. “You good?” He nodded feeling a little light headed. 

“Yeah, just... hungry that's all” he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand.

“Y/N!” Carol yelled from across the gym. “Come on we are going to yours right?” Y/N put her finger up as to ask Carol to give her a minute. 

“Carol is driving me and the girls home tonight, I should've told you earlier but you were getting changed...” Billy chuckled, regaining his confidence.

“Don't worry about it angelface, see you tomorrow” He smirked. She smiled at him and walked to Carol, stopping half way and turning around.

“One last thing” She got on her tip toes and gave his cheek a small kiss. “You did great in the game today” she went back to Carol and the girls again, they were all squealing at what Y/N had just done. Ok that hungry feeling Billy kept getting, now made him feel starved, he didn't know what to do, what to say? 

He felt a slap on the back of his shoulder. Tommy slung an arm around his shoulders. “Did well out there Hargrove!” he smirked. Billys eyelids fluttered a little. 

“Yeah, nothing really” he said calmly. 

“Say, you got a thing for Y/N?” Tommy enquired a smirk played on his lips, hoping to catch Billy out and get him to confess.

Billy raised his eyebrow, letting his ego get the best of him “Nah, just trying to get laid” he winked. Tommy shrugged 

“You sure about that, after that little peck on the cheek you were blushing like a virgin” 

“What?” he chuckled, of course he didn't like her “Trust me, that was for show, let her know im down when she wants to get dirty” the guilt came back with those words. 

“Oh, I get it... you mind sharing after?” he smirked.

“You got a girlfriend anyway” Billy shoved off the question, and headed back to the locker room. 

He needed to go home, let off some steam, and eat he thinks so anyway. 

He heard giggling coming from her room as he stepped into his bedroom. He peered through his curtains, creepy much he thought. 

Y/N was sat on her bed surrounded by a quarter of the cheerleading team and Carol and Tina. They were laughing and chatting, Girl stuff probably. he went to go shut his window and curtains, aware of the fact that he was probably missing out on most teenage boys dreams, an all girls sleepover right next door.

“Who do you like then Y/N?” Emery asked, putting a chocolate in her mouth. Billy stopped shutting the window, he got a little curious...

Y/N giggled. “I can't say, you’ll tell him!” she was getting flustered. Billy felt his heart drop, wait why did he feel his heart drop. like he gave a shit who she liked the only thing he cared about was her secret kinks. 

“ughhh fine! Hargrove” she muttered. 

“sorry who was that Y/N I didn't quite catch that?” 

“Billy! ok Billy” she giggled. 

Billy would've heard that, if he hadn't already accepted defeat and let his ego get the better of him, shutting the window and walking out his room to go workout just before she said his name, apparently not caring about who she liked because in his mind he was definitely only in it to bed her. Even if he was forgetting the fact that she did kiss him earlier and she hugged him so maybe there might’ve been a small chance that she liked him but either way this is Billy Hargrove and his ego is more important.

[deadlifts-and-derrida]

Learning to Grow

There's a scene in the 90's animated Spider-Man where Eddie Brock, the human host of the Venom symbiote, is lifting weights in his run-down New York apartment. He's shirtless, bench pressing what looks like an impressive weight. The camera runs over his arms and torso as he recites, between grunts, a litany of wrongs, imagined and real, that Spider-Man has visited upon him. There are brief flashbacks with each item on the list, played out semi-opaque in front of his sweaty muscular torso. As each one fades and we see him clear, his muscles appear to pulse and swell. He's getting bigger and bigger as the scene goes on, muscles engorging with each repetition, each up and down of the loaded bar he's bench-pressing.

This scene captivated me as a child. Any time this episode came up in re-runs I'd be glued to the TV, would find some excuse to go into another room and sneakily turn on a separate television, away from my family, even if it meant watching it on a smaller, less modern set.

I knew I loved muscle before I saw this scene. I even doubt this was the first time I saw a depiction of where muscles came from. This first aired in 1994. I would have been 11. Surely I knew muscles came from working out before I saw this. But it felt like some previously unconnected parts of my brain were suddenly wired together.

If you want to have muscles you have to lift weights!

*

My mom had two blue dumbbells at home. I think she bought them to use at the Step Aerobics class she went to every Thursday night in the gymnasium of the local elementary school, the same school I attended. They were 5 lbs each. I'm sure they would look small to me now. They looked big to me then.

They came with a folded up paper diagram of exercises you could do with the dumbbells. It featured a line drawing of an absurdly muscular man (these are FIVE POUND DUMBBELLS and he looks like a professional bodybuilder!), shirtless, wearing a pair of short shorts. Of course I was attracted to this line drawing. But I remember taking these little blue dumbbells and trying to use them to get bigger and stronger. I tried to use the piano bench to do chest flies. I did lots of bicep curls. I don't think I ever did anything for my back and my legs - classic clueless young man, only exercising the muscles he can see, the ones that look good in a t-shirt.

I didn't go about this in any regimented fashion. They were sporadic attempts. I didn't yet realize how frequently you had to work out to see results. I didn't realize how to organize a weightlifting session at the gym, how to program it to achieve hypertrophy (or, in lay terms, bigger muscles). I thought of it like it was a role-playing game, like if you lifted weights you'd add a little EXP to your STR bar, and eventually it'd level up even if you weren't systematic about it.

So of course I don't think mom's two blue 5 lbs dumbbells did much for me.

*

There was no commercial or public gym in my hometown, nor one within a 100 km drive. There were some private gyms, in people's basements and such. My little hometown, which had about 5,000 people living in it when I was in my early teens, somehow produced four provincial bodybuilding champions to my knowledge, including Newfoundland's only internationally successful professional bodybuilder to date. Fewer than 1% of the province's population. We certainly over-performed in this aspect.

And then there was me. Absolutely nothing to look at. But burning with a desire that I felt ashamed of, felt like I should keep it hidden. Bodybuilding was all around me and I didn't say anything, didn't give any indication that it interested me. Two of those four provincial champions were my next-door neighbours, one of them a year older than me, one of them a year younger than me. It never occured to me to even try to train with them.

I was an awkward nerd. I knew I was gay. I hadn't told anyone. But bullies called me every word you can call a gay kid, because, well, they were bullies.

So I didn't connect with the budding bodybuilders around me. I never lifted in one of the basements where so many successful bodybuilding careers began.

I did pushups sporadically in my bedroom and hoped it would be enough.

Of course it wasn't. Forcing the body to build more metabolically expensive muscle tissue than it absolutely needs is one of the most difficult things to do. A few pushups in your bedroom and a protein-poor diet (I was vegetarian but I wasn't one of the "good kind" who research proper diet) won't cut it.

*

In my second term at University, the Field House opened. This was a new athletic facility. There was some controversy in student circles that we were all being levied a $40/semester fee to pay for the Field House - but in return, we all had access to the facility. We just had to show our student card.

Stress, bad eating, and a post-exam bout of mononucleosis had left me about 145 lbs at this point. I'm 6' tall. There was no muscle on me to speak of - though skinny, I had no abs, no definition in my arms and legs. My arms measured 10" around.

So, although all my leftist friends were angry about the Field House levy, I was secretly happy about it. Finally, I had access to a gym.

I didn't research what to do. I didn't ask for help in making a plan.

For weeks, I went in and ran on the treadmill.

I remember an article by another gay writer about body image, muscles, and exercise. He describes running on the treadmill while dreaming of himself as finally having that muscular body he's long wanted to have.

Now, I want to give the guy a shake and ask him what the hell he's doing on a treadmill if he wants muscles. That's like practicing piano and hoping it'll make you a better cook. But back then - I was that guy.

*

There was a little alcove in the Field House next to the cardio room that had some air-powered resistance machines. I started to use those. I doubt I used them well. No one taught me form. I didn't look it up. This was 2002 - YouTube, a great resource for this kind of thing, was years away.

But it was better than nothing. My diet, still appalling and low in protein, did get a little better as my palate expanded and I learned, on a semester in England in 2003, that I liked and could prepare chicken and fish.

My arms were 12" around. This is still small. It's nowhere near Eddie Brock. But it's better than 10".

*

I was like a timid deer slowly being tamed. Toward the end of my undergraduate degree, I began going to the Strength and Conditioning Centre, in the basement of the old Phys Ed building, where the actual lifters and bodybuilders on campus went.

But I was not yet either of those things.

I was still ashamed of my desires, couldn't bring myself to ask anyone for help, to acquire the practical knowledge I needed if I was ever going to achieve the kind of progress I wanted.

So even though there was a freeweight section full of huge burly men lifting impressive weights, I kept to the machines and the dumbbells. Lateral raises (probably done badly), cable flies (probably done badly), tricep pushdowns (probably done badly), dips and pullups (almost certainly done badly), lat pulldowns (I only ever felt these in my forearms). I never did a bench press. I never did a squat. I don't think I even knew what a deadlift was.

I ate like I was lifting big weights and having gruelling workouts, though. So, in other words, I got chubby and my muscles more or less stayed the same, after those newbie gains earned in the alcove of the Field House with the air-powered machines. I did not look like I lifted weights. I certainly didn't look like a bodybuilder.

*

My mid and late 20s were full of periods where I had no gym access. I ran during those times, every second day. I got fitter, my body firmed up, I felt better. I was also physically suited to middle distance running. But I was smaller, during those times, and I wanted to be bigger.

When I did have gym access I continued to lift poorly, without doing any compound movements (bench, squat, deadlift, overhead press, etc). And I ate to grow, but it was a lot of low quality food. So, during those times, my body got softer. I told myself I was bulking, but my muscles didn't get bigger. My arms were still about 12" or 13", depending on which of these two modes I was existing in.

I still lived in dread of someone discovering how much I wanted to be a huge muscular freak. How I fed my imagination on a steady diet of enormous bodybuilders, folders with thousands of jpgs saved from the internet, treasured memories of the rare times I'd seen a truly huge muscular man out in the wild, in person. Walking in the mall, lying on a blanket in the park, in the checkout line at the supermarket.

I would sometimes fantasize about finding some almost empty bottle of steroids in the locker room. Maybe just one or two pills left. At the time I erroneously thought all steroids were pills - I didn't know anything about steroids at all, at this point. I just knew they made guys big. In this fantasy, I would take the one or two pills I found, and it would make me slightly more muscular than I was. Perhaps 5% more. And that would be enough to make me happy without anyone realizing anything. Of course, it doesn't work that way.

*

I wasn't entirely clueless. In 2009, I started a PhD at the University of Toronto, and had access to its excellent gym facilities. By then I knew I had to do compound movements like bench press and squat. I started to learn how. I didn't seek out help, though, and I definitely should have. Also, a PhD is very demanding on your time. I was following a "split" (how you organize your workouts through the week) appropriate for someone lifting 4-5 times a week, but I was lucky if I got in 2 or 3 times (which, frankly, isn't enough to see much progress regardless of your "split"). 10 or 12 days would go by between chest workouts, between back workouts, between leg workouts.

I suppose I made some progress. Not much. I may have deluded myself into thinking it was more than it was, because I had been going to the gym, in some capacity, for 7 years, and I wanted to have something to show for it.

In early 2012, me and my then-boyfriend drove to his father's in South Carolina. I had just turned 29. I was planning on using the fact we were traveling to buy steroids online. I was paranoid that my IP address could be tracked if I did it at home and it would be safer to do it from some hotel room in Pennsylvania.

I realized, when in a hotel room in Pennsylvania trying to buy steroids online, that I didn't know enough about any of that to actually go through with it. I hadn't done my research. Looking back, my naivete is laughable. Now, if I encountered someone like the person I used to be trying to buy steroids, I would try my best to discourage them for a large number of reasons. One, you, past Michael, clearly don't know how to train and eat to grow; that being the case, all steroids will do is upset your endocrine system's natural balance and increase some health risks without actually giving you the benefits you want. Secondly, you don't know a thing about them. What kind are you going to buy? The answer better be testosterone enanthate or testosterone cypionate; test only for a beginner's cycle. Do you know proper injection technique? Don't even think about an oral-only cycle! Do you know what an AI is? It's an aromatase inhibitor, a drug that prevents most of the negative side effects people associate with steroid use, which ironically come from elevated estrogen, a side effect of elevated tesoterone - you did know that, didn't you? Do you know what PCT is? It's Post Cycle Therapy, drugs people take once they have finished their cycle of steroids to help restart their body's natural hormone production, which is disrupted by steroids. You knew steroids would shut down your natural testosterone production, right?

Luckily, I realized I wasn't ready, and didn't go through with my plan. I don't know what I was thinking. I mean, did I think I could just type "buy steroids" into google? OK, yes, you can actually do that, but it's not a good idea. There are plenty of people out there willing to make a quick buck selling snake oil to idiots like me, and even if they sold me legitimate gear, I wasn't ready for it and had no idea how to use it safely and responsibly, as outlined above.

*

In January of 2013, my parents, always solidly middle class, suddenly became very wealthy, and they passed some of this on to me. I had never made more than $25,000 in a year, and suddenly twice that was sitting in my bank account, with more to come.

One of the things I splurged on was a DEXA scan. It cost $125. You lay still on the bed of a device, and a mechanical arm slowly passes over your whole body twice. It takes about ten minutes. it is the most accurate body composition scan currently available.

I wanted to know how well my efforts in the gym had paid off.

Not at all, it turned out.

I was 184 lbs. This was in the "normal" BMI range for someone 6' tall. But I was 25.1% bodyfat. For a man, obesity is considered anything over 25%. I was the opposite of a bodybuilder. Bodybuilders have obese BMI but very low bodyfat percentages. I had normal BMI but an obese bodyfat percentage.

My lean body mass was only 138 lbs. If I was lean like a bodybuilder, I wouldn't even weigh 150 lbs. I had been going to the gym for 11 years and I had almost nothing to show for it - maybe 10 or 15 lbs of muscle gained from the underfed just-over-a-bout-of-mono 19 year old who first stepped into a gym in 2002.

This was a kick in the pants. Luckily it motivated me. I reformed my diet. No more pizza and burritos except as very occasional treats. Cut way way way back on the booze. Running in the morning every second day, lifting weights every day I didn't run.

I got married in June. I weighed 170 lbs and my bodyfat was down to 19%. I was losing fat without losing muscle, possibly because there was very little muscle to lose.

We went on an extended summer wedding tour, had wedding parties on both coasts. I relaxed a little but didn't give up fully.

And that September, enabled by having some money, emboldened by finally achieving a little success, spurred on by turning 30 and realizing that if I didn't start to do this right then my dream of being a bodybuilder would never come to pass, I hired a trainer.

And on our first meeting, I told him: I want to get as big as I possibly can.

And he said let's get to work.

[calorieworkouts]

10 Crucial Tips for Building Confidence and Good Looking Body

Here is a truth: Women desire a positive man.

No matter what task you have or what auto you drive, you have to be confident to be desirable by women.

Unfortunately most people do not recognize how to find out and also project confidence and when it pertains to females they are unconfident and terrified of rejection.

Hell, many even do not understand you can get or learn confidence, to them it's like a genetic details you either have or do not have.

I think that the most effective point to acquire more confidence and learn regarding it extra is to obtain your physique handled first.

Which of those do you believe will have more self-confidence? The slim individual left wing or Chris Hemsworth on the right?

Good looking body is literally eye-catching to ladies, it links you with sex in their mind and also integrated with excellent posture as well as body movement jobs confidence.

If you are not a professional athlete after that you go to the gym to look excellent, that's the goal of the huge bulk of the individuals in the fitness center and also my hunch is that it's your own as well.

In that case drop all that “functional" and also performance training you review in Guy's Health and wellness and also start educating to look great and also feel good. Have a function of going to the fitness center to really feel better concerning on your own, be certain, build a wonderful body as well as enhance your social life as well as dating life.

This will certainly make a significant distinction. Although that guys intend to look much better, they try to conceal it, they obtain averted with "functional training" or powerlifting.

Or they simply do not commit to anything and also go to the fitness center to type of job out and also spend time weights.

This leads us to something very crucial. The single one most crucial point you can do to look great is to develop muscle mass which does not suggest buying all kind of supplements on the marketplace however instead getting your workout handled.

Let's take an appearance at how you can enhance your training to gain confidence and develop a really excellent looking body.

1. Buy a Well-Built Workout Program

Let me make clear something, if you don't have the RIGHT exercise system, you are not going to get self-confidence or construct a good looking body.

In regards to structure muscle, workout is every little thing, you don't construct muscles from some high healthy protein diet regimen or by consuming some unique foods and you do not build muscles from some elegant supplements either.

We all desire there was a magic pull we can take each morning, but there isn't. And even Creatine, the only supplement ever before truly confirmed to work, just functions if you have a good workout plan.

And if you are assuming that you can eat your way up to large muscular tissues, then you can try it, however do not run back to me howling that you got fat and also as well as really feel dreadful. The truth is that consuming extra results in fat gain only.

If you want to construct bigger muscle mass and also build them on the best locations then exercise is the tool you need to acquire.

And to attain your body goals, you require the ideal workout that is made in a manner to help you do that.

Every workout has a different objective and a great deal of them are poorly designed. Simply keep that in mind.

Guys that attain their figure objectives are the ones that are not stubborn to see that they need help.

You will obtain your preferred outcomes just if you let someone else, who recognizes what he doing, aid you with your workout.

Stop investing hundreds of bucks a month on post workout nutrition, night protein and hydroxycut. Take this loan and invest them in a strong workout program. Professional exercise is what makes all the distinction and also is generally pretty inexpensive considering what are you entering return.

So, set your goals and after that find a good workout plan, don't move to the second factor up until you have this covered.

BTW if your objective good is a looking body that sparks tourist attraction and also regulates regard then you can make this step simple by following the Totally Body Exercise Plan With Dumbbells.

2. Focus on the Training

Once you have the best program in your hands, you have to begin mosting likely to the fitness center and really training.

But understand that having a good exercise does not indicate you are done, that's where all of it beginnings, you can still screw this up if you are not careful.

Most guys go to the fitness center to function out, conversation with their pals, learn who's the new chick in the staff and just enhance their vanity unemployed press. This is not the path to follow to get in form, this is just going to the gym for fun.

There is a distinction in the technique in between those that look the same time after time as well as those who improve monthly basis.

Take a pick, it's fine if you go to the fitness center to have fun, yet don't anticipate any results or don't attempt to save the day by taking your healthy protein shake exactly after the exercise and also after that prior to sleep, that will not truly alter anything.

Do some major toughness training regular as well as after that anticipate results.

3. Train Hard

There is no muscle mass advancement without pushing difficult sufficient. You need to make your workouts challenging, keep progressing as well as trying to raise as high as possible without compromising your form.

This might appear like a piece of cake, but aspect of it for some time, are you actually lifting hard?

Are you sure you couldn't raise a bit heavier dumbbells?

There is a good policy to comply with that if your exercise states 8 associates you must choose weights that you can do 8 reps just, you need to be able to press 1 or 2 more associates however with literally sweating blood. Take weights hefty enough to challenge your muscles, just make sure those 8 representatives are perfect.

4. Train Often

This is a very common mistake.

However, you have to choose whether you desire to take this seriously or not.

No issue what your goal is, you got ta be consistent with it.

Going to the health club 2 times a week is not going to do anything for you. While it will keep you fit, a bit energised and give you the health and wellness benefits of training, it will not construct you any kind of muscle mass mass.

Most exercise programs focused building a much better figure are developed for 4-6 exercise sessions a week with couple of exemptions as well as that is a good rule to keep.

Stress your muscle mass frequently to provide them the motivation to grow.

5. Master the Lifts

While you need to comply with a good workout as well as keep pushing hard you need to concentrate on lifting correctly also. Otherwise having a great exercise strategy is error top, the 2nd most typical blunder is not happy to discover the appropriate form of every workout in your workout plan.

Watch YouTube video clips, ask knowledgeable guys in the fitness center to show you just how to do it, inquire to enjoy you and fix you. Film on your own and compare it to others.

If you are a beginner, it's additionally a great suggestion to pay an individual instructor for number of first training sessions to supervise and fix your errors. The problem with this is that he will usually press his concepts on you and also attempt to offer you some things you do not truly need. A great deal of fitness instructors have no concept what they are discussing, so be careful with this one.

And another note. Do not anticipate to discover everything overnight. Specific lifts are simpler, particular extra tough. It will most likely take you years till you grasp workouts like deadlifts or squats.

Just take your time to learn and also practice.

6. Stick to It

Do you have a background of not adhering to things? Do you jump from workout to workout every 3 weeks? Do you obtain bored or disinterested rapidly? Are you patient enough?

This will also establish whether you do well or not.

Getting in shape takes some time as well as especially building muscle mass will certainly take A LOT of time, so do not anticipate to change in 3 weeks. Excellent exercise programs are developed for at the very least three to four months.

You require to locate a means to make a habit of going to the gym on regular basis and keep that pace for years.

Maybe you have heard that it takes at the very least 5000 hours to obtain truly good at something and also concerning 10000 to understand it on a brilliant degree. If you desire to remain in a killer form, you better begin intending for this number.

And contemporary of curiosity, do the mathematics. To hit the 5000 hr mark, just how much time do you think you should spend training and just how typically? Let me understand in the remarks. Little hint, most physical fitness models as well as bodybuilding masters have actually trained for a minimum of 5 000 hrs in their lives.

Good looking bodies are not construct overnight, so this must be something to think about.

7. Train into a Specific Shape

This is a big one.

An element that great deal of exercise programs don't represent. The majority of workouts concentrate on training torso as well as legs equally. That is not a great idea. If your goal is to create the very best physique feasible while doing it in the quickest duration of time feasible, you need to concentrate on particular muscles more than others. This doesn't mean not educating various other muscle mass in any way, it's just that in order to establish an excellent looking physique you require to concentrate on the muscles that offset that shape.

The most appealing form you can construct is the one that is shoulder dominant and is close to the V-Shape that designs as well as actors that remain in an impressive form have.

Shoulders are responsible for your leading male presence not legs or arms.

With this knowledge in mind you can purchase those muscular tissues by value and construct something like a pyramid that can help you figure out which muscles should you concentrate on more in your toughness training sessions.

Here is an instance of a training session that would certainly be created this means:

Workout No.:1 - Shoulders/ Upper Body/ Legs

Workout No.:2 - Shoulders/ Back/ Arms/ Abs

Workout No.:3 - Shoulders/ Breast/ Legs

Workout No.:4 - Shoulders/ Back/ Arms/ Abs/

This is just an instance for the function of this short article, yet it's an excellent way to reveal you exactly how those concepts would be actually integrated in the workout sessions.

Starting with shoulder, followed by either back or upper body workouts and after that adhered to with one of the four lesser muscle mass teams: triceps muscles, arms, thighs, calves.

If you have weak abdominals, start with two sessions a week and work your means up to almost everyday workouts.

8. Construct the ABS in the Kitchen

You currently have six pack abdominal muscles, if you can't see them, you have to lose fat, and this is a fact.

Don' t obtain me incorrect, you have to educate your ABS to make them look strong and also manly and also get some solid density, yet you actually can not make them more visible in the fitness center, that's entirely as much as your diet.

Even if individuals understand just how to educate their abdominals properly as well as they do not handle to screw up their back while doing so, they still don't get the diet regimen part. Lose fat very first and afterwards you will see your amazing 6 pack, got it?

9. Expect to Have Bad Days

Successful people stopped working, everybody obtains averted in the process and also you will also have negative days as well as screw up at some point.

This sounds extremely unfavorable, however if you comprehend this as well as anticipate to have negative days, you can just obtain back up and also keep going.

Most individuals established a plan expecting every little thing to go as planned and also when things are not best as well as they stop working eventually, whatever mosts likely to hell.

For instance ever before skipped a workout and after that simply purchased a pizza, since you told yourself that you can also have it because you missed the workout currently? As well as then you ended up consuming gelato as well as had 2 beers in addition to that and also went to sleep sensation unpleasant and also guilty?

This is an instance of how not to deal with little "failures" along the road, instead accept and anticipate to have poor days, as well as after that when you make up it, you will certainly simply come back up as well as not lose a whole day.

And bear in mind one negative day is nothing if you have thirty great ones.

10. Take Time Off

Don' t train on a daily basis for 365 days a year. That's inflexible, unnecessary, uninteresting, and stupid.

You ought to take some time to recover as well as rest.

And when you are at holiday or taking a trip, then just enjoy it and also do not exercise. Train wisely instead.

Set 3 months from each year for some truly intense as well as advanced (if you can handle it) workouts. I advise something less extreme, so you can focus more on your form than tough on your own, for this purpose the best system is the Beach Body Workout Program.

And ensure you take 1-2 weeks as a break after 3-4 months. Never ever go much more after that four months without at least a week break. Allow your muscular tissues recoup, allow your mind be totally free from health and fitness for few days, get a massage, go skiing or swimming, whatever simply do not do stamina training at that point.

And after that simply get back to training. You will generally discover that you have way much more energy and also stamina than when you took the break.

Summary

This subject is undoubtedly bigger than this article can consist of, but we have discussed lots of vital points that if followed alone will make a HUGE difference in your training and ability to construct muscle.

Let's summarize them one even more time:

Get a solid workout professionally created to help you construct a far better looking body

Focus on the actual stamina training routine, while you go to a health club, be the committed guy

Train and push hard

Train often

Be constant as well as individual, the results will come

Stick to your workout

Learn the appropriate technique for every of the lifts you do

Focus a lot of your time on building bigger shoulders, back and chest

Get clear on your goals

If you desire noticeable abs you need to lose fat first

Accept as well as anticipate to have poor days

Remember to take a while off the gym

Have this article assistance you? Exactly how did you tweaked your workout after learning this information? What exercise method do you currently follow, are you getting outcomes? The MyBeautyGym neighborhood desires to learn through you !!!

[fattlestacks]

Complete Breakfast (Story Below the Cut)

Finally getting around to writing part 3 of this Alex with a broken leg story thing. Writer’s block plus mostly just not liking how the story was turning out are mostly to blame. But I’m gonna quit fiddling with it and finally just put it up as-is. Maybe you’ll like it? I dunno. XD

Shane, Alex, and Sebastian belong to the creators of Stardew Valley. Noah belongs to me.

Patreon

Ko-fi

Part 1

Part 2

Alex woke up earlier than usual... he'd been sleeping later and later at home with nothing to do, but today the morning commotion of the farmhouse had roused him. He peered around the bedroom in a daze unsure for a moment where he was. “Can you see if there's more eggs in the coop?” He recognized Noah's voice drifting in from the kitchen and suddenly remembered.

He sat up and maneuvered to the edge of the bed, not an easy task with his heavy useless leg. He'd had the foresight to toss his jeans across the headboard the night before so he wouldn't have to hop across the room to retrieve them. He recalled his urgency to remove them before crawling into bed having eaten his weight in tacos at dinner. It seemed Noah had a habit of making enough food for ten people at every meal. Luckily Alex's jeans still fit... but barely...

As he hobbled down the hallway on his crutches, the sweet smell of breakfast surrounded him like a warm hug. Hashbrowns, eggs, sugary sweet maple syrup and butter. Alex hadn't felt hungry while he was getting dressed but now he could hear and feel his stomach rumbling. He rounded the corner to see Sebastian placing plates on the table. He looked up through his messy mop of dark hair only for a moment before his eyes darted back down to the dishes.

“Good morning!” Noah waved the wooden spoon he'd been using to stir a huge skillet of scrambled eggs. “Breakfast is almost ready.”

“Awesome... I love that stuff.” Alex had to stop himself from licking his lips like a hungry wolf.

Shane stepped through the front door of the farmhouse using the bottom of his shirt to carry a pile of eggs. Alex couldn't help but wonder how Shane was so comfortable with his massive gut being exposed to everyone. “The girls were busy this morning!” He said with a laugh. Noah stepped over with a bowl carefully transferring the eggs over.

“Alex, you can go ahead and take a seat on the couch if you'd like.” He said over his shoulder “We'll bring you over a plate so you won't have to stay on those crutches any longer than you have to.”

Alex turned toward the living room. He shifted slightly on his crutches, readjusting them under his armpits which were still a bit sore. Even after using them for a month, he hadn't quite gotten used to them but... at least his arms were getting a workout. He made his way over to the sofa (which was luckily not that far) and sat. He hadn't noticed while getting dressed how tight his old jeans had really gotten, but it was painfully obvious now that he was sitting down. He tugged at the waist as if they'd suddenly have some give but of course they didn't. He couldn't get up and change now without looking odd, so he decided he'd attempt to eat light at breakfast and change into his sweat shorts sometime afterward.

He waited patiently feeling a little like a spectator as he watched the occupants of the farmhouse from the sidelines. Noah carefully portioned out food with a smile, even from the next room Alex could tell he really had a passion for the meals he prepared. He watched as Sebastian took a seat at the table and Noah leaned forward and placed a plate in front of him. Before straightening back up, he took a moment to use the back of his hand to gently push Sebastian's hair to the side and they locked eyes. Sebastian was actually smiling... It was a subtle gesture, over in the blink of an eye and Alex suddenly felt a pang of loneliness.

Noah turned to Shane with two plates in hand “There's not enough space for all of us on the couch, so.. you think you can keep Alex company through breakfast?”

“Pff!” Shane said with a snort “Who do you think you're talking to? I practically live on the couch!”

Noah smirked and shoved his husband toward the living room, both of them laughing. Shane was still looking over his shoulder as he handed Alex a plate. The jock stared wide eyed at it as he felt the weight in his hands. 'I hope they don't get mad if I don't finish all of this...' He thought, though he had to admit the meal smelled so good... breakfast had always been his favorite.

“Oh!” Shane said as if he suddenly remembered something. He placed his plate down on the couch cushion and turned around. Alex glanced down at the plate and was surprised to see Shane's portion of food was even larger than his own.

“I guess... you're pretty serious about breakfast.” Alex remarked.

“Heh, yeah... it takes a lot to fill up the ol' bag these days...” Shane laughed while carrying an ottoman over to the front of the couch. He placed it down gently by Alex's leg and carefully lifted his cast up on top of it.

Alex felt his cheeks flush. He'd become so accustomed to being alone at his grandparents house he really didn't know how to respond to Shane's kindness. “Thanks.” he said quietly.

Shane just shrugged, picked up his plate and plopped down on the couch hard. Alex held onto his breakfast for dear life. “Oh...” Shane reached into his pocket and fished out the two forks he was carrying. “Dig in!”

Alex took his first bite of eggs. They tasted so fresh he couldn't believe it, the pancakes were divine. The fresh butter melted in his mouth...

“Noah's a pretty good cook.” Shane said through a mouthful of hashbrowns.

All thoughts of too tight jeans and having a light breakfast suddenly went out the window. Alex felt ravaged and started shoveling the food into his mouth. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had a home cooked breakfast like this. He surprised himself when he realized moments later that he'd cleaned his plate. “Uhh...” he placed a hand on his stomach, the roundness of it surprising him. He could feel his jeans begging to be taken off before they burst off his body.

“Damn... you must've been hungry...” Shane remarked.

In a panic Alex attempted to pull his crutches over with one hand but they clattered to the floor. Noah stood up from the table and rushed over. “Sorry...” Alex said shamefully “I was just gonna... bring my plate to the sink.”

“That's okay, let me do it.” Noah said, putting the crutches upright once again. “Do you want some more?” He gestured with the empty plate.

“No, thanks though... it's really good but I'm stuffed.” Alex rubbed his belly which felt like it was sticking out further than it ever had in his life. He pulled his shirt down hoping no one could tell and wished he could unbutton his pants to relieve some of the pressure... but he had to remind himself that he wasn't at home.

“You're a good kid.” Noah said with a smile “You've got to remember to take it easy, okay?”

Both of the boys on the couch watched as Noah disappeared around the corner, the sound of dishes being placed in the sink a moment after. Alex leaned back into the couch, running his hand up and down on his distended stomach. His shirt was riding up again but he realized trying to keep it down was futile. He would've felt embarrassed if he'd been seated next to anyone but Shane. He couldn't help but think he'd understand. “I made such a pig out of myself...” he muttered. “I really can't wait to get this dumb cast off and get my abs back...”

“Ah, I remember those days...” Shane said as he stuffed another whole pancake into his mouth. “Waking up at 4:30 every morning... protein shakes...  jogging before the sun's up... I bet I spent half my life lifting weights back in my varsity days.”

Alex couldn't help but look at Shane's midsection which seemed to be expanding with every bite of food that passed his lips, his worn shirt barely containing the mass of fat beneath it. He had a hard time imagining a time when Shane might have been fit enough to play varsity gridball. “Do you... miss it?” Alex asked with a noticeable tone of hopefulness.

Shane pondered for a moment. “I guess sometimes... you should see how much I sweat just walking down to Marnie's ranch... can you imagine me trying to jog with this big thing?” He gave his ample belly a pat.

“Hey, once I'm out of this cast, maybe I could help you get back in shape!” Alex exclaimed with a little too much enthusiasm.

Shane raised and eyebrow before letting out a laugh “Round is a shape! If there's one thing I love more than gridball it's food...” He took a moment to finish off the last bite from his plate “These days... I'd rather eat all day and hang out on the couch than work out... buh...”

“But Shane... c'mon... you can't seriously enjoy being this big...” Alex froze... he hadn't even realized he was reaching out until his hand made contact with Shane's bloated tummy and grabbed hold of the soft fat. Shane looked down just as Alex quickly wrenched his hand back.

Shane shrugged “It does get in the way every once in a while...” he leaned his head closer to Alex “But just between you and me, those two love it...” he gestured with his eyes toward the dining table.

“We can hear you talking about us, Shane.” Sebastian said, looking unamused. Noah covered the snicker escaping from his lips.

Alex leaned back into the couch with a heavy sigh. He was already starting to crash from all the carbs he'd ingested. He placed a hand on his mound of a belly. It certainly felt different than Shane's... smaller sure but not as soft. He still had enough muscle underneath that his hand didn't sink into it very far. As he rubbed the fabric of his shirt and watched his distended stomach rise and fall with his breath he wondered what Haley would think about his recent weight gain when she got back...

[e1ana]

leisure writing :)

recently by brain has been all AHHHHHHDHHBSGDVJHS BCHJNNH and its really negatively impacted my writing, especially for my fics :( 

i’ve decided to go on a short hiatus for them for a bit to let my brain catch up. i’ve just been writing random stuff and letting it go in a n y direction to give my brain  break and i think??? this might??? be the best?????? decision ive ever made????? my brain just feels so un-fried. its awesome. 

so far it seems to be taking the shape of a YoI fic? idk. I just finished the show for the second time and i absolutely love it! I guess by brain’s been wired on Yuri!!! for a bit now so i’m not surprised at the direction its headed.

i’m still letting it go in any direction though, and i’m not sure if im going to put it up in a03 (i might if i decide i like it, but im not working on it with the intent of uploading it.)

so yeah. here’s the first bit of that. i though i’d upload it on here just bc i can and idk what else to do with it. hope you enjoy :) rating is teen bc of some cursing but thats it

(korkad means stupid in swedish)

Rain.

It wasn’t a loud sound - just the gentle pitter-patter of it against a window can paint a room in a quiet, soothing blanket of white noise. Viktor Nikiforov buries himself further in his comforter. Mid April drizzles really were something else. 

Begrudgingly, VIktor pulls himself from his bed. He looks out of his beside window to find a sunset that perfectly matched with the serene morning rain. 

He yawns and stretches, a soft grumble coming from his lips. He stands up and walks to his kitchen. Every morning is practically the same - wake up, debate going back to sleep, brush teeth/expensive and extensive skincare, eat, and go straight to the rink. Getting up at 7 am might sound overkill, but the lax speed of Viktor’s early morning routine needs extra breathing room.

He drags a hand full of some kind of sweet smelling lotion down his face, massaging it in with the melting pot of other creams and serums. The concoction is thick on his face, though not totally unpleasant. Viktor feels a bit more invigorated now, the cold water startling him up. Nevertheless, he starts the coffee machine. He swings his legs as he sits atop the counter and scrolls through his instagram. A sharp pinch on the cheek startled him from his trance.

“I told you to stop sitting on the counter, korkad. Nobody wants to cook on your ass juice.”

Ah, the overlooked step to the routine - cope with an insufferable roomate at ‘too early’ am.

“Good morning, Chris. I hope you slept well.”

Maybe insufferable wasn’t the right word for Chris normally, but his unrivalled snark and Viktor’s early morning sluggishness were not a fantastic mix. Chris grabs him by the sweatshirt and nearly yanks him off of the marble tabletop. He makes a show of wiping the area where Viktors butt once was. Finally, the sweet sound of gurgling and spluttering signifies the end of the coffee maker’s cycle. 

Viktor pours in a fairly reasonable amount of sweetened cream, the dark brown going caramel colored and scented. He takes a long gulp, downing half the mug in one go. He looks up at Chris, who is now leaning against counter one on arm and glaring. He offers a smile at the glowering man.

“Okay, now you can be a sassy bitch.”

Chris rolls up the towel and flicks it at Viktor’s butt, drawing an undignified squeak from the slightly shorter man. He snorts a laugh, but thankfully gives Viktor his space for the rest of the morning. 

He finishes the rest of his coffee quickly, the caffeine already buzzing through his brain. He checks his watch - nearly time to leave. He packs a few protein bars and water bottles along with his sweets and shirt. He calls out to Chris before grabbing his keys and locking the door. 

He pulls his sweatshirt hood a little tighter around his face, slipping into his freezing cold car. He clicked on the heat, despising how long it took for the damn thing to heat up. 

The drive to the rink was slow today. He wasn’t in any rush, and the slow rain hitting the metal roof of his car made for a nice serenade. He watched the outside pass by slowly, drumming his fingers against the steering wheel absentmindedly. 

When he pulled up to the rink, he noticed two things. One, it was bustling with activity. Usually, the place looked practically deserted at nine in the morning. The swarms of people and clicking cameras were an odd sight. 

Two, a man stands outside of the rink, wringing his wrists. He bites his lips and looks impossibly nervous. He blinks a couple of times before waving his hands frantically at one of the reporters. Viktor can’t help but laugh out loud in the solitude of his car. He pulls into the driveway, eyeing the dark haired man the whole time.

He’s vaguely familiar - Viktor’s sure he’s seen those blue framed glasses sitting on some side bench at some competition somewhere. He isn’t unattractive either. His black hair and brown eyes contrast with the pale skin of his babyish face. It gives him a look of purity. It’s a nice look. Admittedly, it’s aided by the ample blush on his cheeks and the way he rocks from foot to foot nervously. It’s a very cute habit, Viktor’s always thought.

Victor steps out of his car. Maybe he slams his car door a little louder than normal to make some of the reporters turn their heads, maybe he doesn’t. Regardless, they’re hounding on him in seconds, asking about this jump and that score. He answers all of their questions with a blinding smile, hoping that his glance towards the man goes unnoticed. Well, rather, where the man was. The glass door swings violently and Viktor catches his bag disappearing around a corner.

It takes longer than Viktor would've liked to get rid of the reporters and slip into the rink. His tight routine is now skewed fifteen minutes late. He stretches quickly and laces up his skates as quickly as possible to increase his time on the ice. 

He approaches the entrance gate, one foot already on the ice when something whirrs by him. His gaze is captured by none other than the man who was stood outside. 

Immediately, Viktor becomes enraptured with him. All he's doing is skating around the perimeter of the rink. Somehow, though, the swinging strides of his legs and the way his arms lift ever so slightly from the elbows when he glides paint him in the picture of grace. Viktor can’t help but stare as he completes another circle. Finally, when the man passes him a third time, he turns to look at Viktor. The grey haired man’s cheeks heat up under his unsettled gaze.

“Do you need some-”

Red creeps up the neck of the other man, his eyes widening when he realized who he’s talking to. He spins back around and pushes off even faster than before. 

Viktor steps onto the ice, heart pounding. Fuck. Fuuuck. He internally moans at the increasing awkwardness in the air. Damn his annoying fame and prestige! Here he was, embarrassing himself in front of someone he vaguely remembered who could potentially be important and was definitely attractive. Embarrassing himself just by existing. 

Whatever. He flicks his ankle out, starting a slow circle around the rink. If an onlooker glaneed over, it might look like the other man was chasing him. Though it was practically the other way around, Viktor considered. 

Eventually, Viktor felt warm enough to do some actual exercises. A few combination spins, a few brackets. Nothing obscene. He starts his program once he feels his joints ease into the jumps. 

The feeling isn't the same as the first time he did the program. Victory - it was the theme of his piece. Clearly, it’d gotten him where he wanted the first few times. The thrill of first place was incredible. It inspired him so much, the feeling of winning pushing forth his every movement. It had felt so overwhelmingly good. Now, after his fifth medal, the program didn’t mean much. His publicist had pushed him to do the same program every year, if not with a few major improvements each time.

Regardless of how many new spins or complicated jumps he added, the piece was tired. He was bored of this. There was simply no other way to put it. Even as he landed the perfectly executed triple axle that had been worked into his program, Viktor felt his heart sag.

He ran through the program a few more times, each with decreasing vigor. He didn’t even notice the man skate by him (albeit with a wide berth) and exit the rink. Drenched in sweat and disappointment, Viktor literally laid down on the ice. Maybe it wasn’t the most professional move in the book, but the freezing cold felt good on his hot skin. He hummed and got back to his feet, skating one last cool down lap before exiting and sliding on his blade covers.

He took a cold shower. Unusual, but the weight of the day didn't seem like it could just be melted away. He closed his eyes, letting the freezing water run down his body. It soothes is aching muscles and bones. Technically, the hot alternative would be better at melting away the lactic acid in his muscles. He could have a long soak in the tub when he got home, though - the temporary relief of cold water was more than satisfactory for now. 

He stepped out of the shower with a towel wrapped around his hips. The cool air inside of the building almost felt warm in contrast to Viktor’s cold skin. He pulled on a new shirt and pants.

Viktor was surprised to see the other man slinging his bag over his shoulder. He didn’t appear to see the higher ranking skater, ad he sidled to the door without a second glance. Before he stepped out, though, he turned and froze. 

“I… uh…” he paused and looked up, searching for the right words. “I wanted to thank you for earlier. You know. With the reporters. So, uh. Thanks.”

Before Viktor could pipe back with a cheery ‘no problem’ or ‘the pleasure's all mine, tell me your name and let me take you for a drink in my very expensive sports car,’ the man was gone. Viktor followed suit as fast as he could, but there was no catching the man now. Gone, forever.

[managedmischiefs]

told you so//tom holland

warnings: fainting, hospitals, IV, malnourishment, talk of Heath Ledger and his death, sad boi Tom

///

inspired by tom's insta story where he thanked fans for his teen choice award win

///

Tom is always dedicated to his work and will do whatever he can to make the audience believe his character. He works endless hours on his lines, on understanding his character, and getting into the mindset of his role. But something he always dedicated a large amount of time to is his weight.

Spider-Man is an incredibly physical role. Tom was on set and doing stunts every day. He needed the muscle to support that, and he had to keep his weight constant so that his suit fit him and he didn't cause a giant problem for the wardrobe department.

But for Cherry, he's playing a veteran that is riddled with PTSD. He studied up on the disorder and discovered the effect it has on the human body, and decided that he needed to lose some of his muscle and drop some weight.

He didn't tell me this flat out though. I noticed him eating less and less over a week, after a particularly long and in depth production meeting. He decreased breakfast from a full meal to just a protein shake, and refused dinner on most days and replaced it with a workout at the gym. To say this new diet scares me is an understatement.

I'm not an actor. I don't completely understand his world. But I've been dating Tom for a few years, and I know enough to recognize that weight changing is a common practice in Hollywood. But just because it's common doesn't mean that it's right. I've heard horror stories in the media of certain roles burning out actors and ruining their lives, and that is the last thing I want to happen to Tom.

I watch as Tom comes sauntering into the kitchen, passing me with nothing but a kiss to my cheek and a whispered good morning, his voice gravely with sleep. I'm up early to study for an upcoming exam, papers already sprawled out on the island.

I sneakily watch as Tom pulls out ingredients such as protein powder, bananas, and peanut butter, then the blender. "Are you, uh-" I huff out a breath, looking down at my textbook, trying to make the conversation more nonchalant, "gonna have more than just a shake?"

"Don't think so," Tom murmurs as he starts slicing the banana. "I'm on this diet still, you know that." I open my mouth to respond but chose not to say anything, just shaking my head and deciding to drop the subject again. "What?" Tom quips after a moment of silence. "You have something else to say. I know you. Don't lie, you've got something to say."

I drop my highlighter and swing around on my barstool to face him. "Tommy, I'm just nervous about this diet, okay? I know that it's working and you're losing weight and muscle like you want to, but I'm just nervous how this is gonna affect your body and your health in the future. The last thing I want to happen is for this to ruin you."

Tom drops the banana in his hand and rushes over, placing his hands on my cheeks. "This isn't gonna ruin me. I'm okay, yeah? I'm completely fine. I'm just twenty pounds lighter. That's all."

My eyes widen and I grab onto his thinning wrists. "You've lost twenty pounds? Baby, that's too much. That's way too much! You told me ten pounds at first and I said that was too much, but twenty? That's too much!"

"It's not too much. I'm healthy, I promise." Tom swears, leaning his head forward and kissing my forehead. "We're only a week into shooting and the Russo's said everything looks great."

"I don't give a shit what the Russo's think. I care about you and your health-"

Tom huffs out a breath and drops his hands. "I am fine. You don't need to worry about me. My trainer says I'm fine, the medic on set says I'm fine, everyone agrees that I'm fine. I've only got another two months of this diet and then I'll have to bulk up for the next Avengers movie and I'll be back to the way I was before." He turns around and quickly finishes off his protein shake, putting it in a cup and closing the lid. "I'll see you tonight, okay? Good luck on your exam, I know you'll crush it."

He's kissing me and he's out the door before I can say anything else. Okay, so, that conversation didn't go anywhere close to what I had planned.

I pack up my books and head off to class for my exam, which is actually quite difficult. Or maybe I was just too busy thinking (worrying) about Tom to focus on a test. I guess I'll never know.

After my exam, I hurry off to my study of human behaviors class, hoping that today's topic will distract me from worrying about how my boyfriend is doing on set. But, of course, that hope is crushed when my professor pulls up a picture of Heath Ledger.

"Today we're going to be talking about Heath Ledger, and how his preparation for the role of the Joker effected him. Some believe the intense preparation even added to his death." She saunters around the front of the room without a care in the world, babbling on and on about how Ledger got into his character by locking himself in a hotel room and keeping a dark diary, filled with quotes, pictures, and his lines.

"Ledger was so deep into his character that he turned to medication to help him do things as simple as sleeping. Maggie Gyllenhaal even said that she could barely look at him while filming, and the crew was too nervous to be around him between takes because he would still be in character. So I pose this question to you all, did his dedication to his role and the extreme preparation for this role lead to his death?"

Oh god. Please no. This is exactly what I don't need to hear right now. Not today. Not while Tom is filming Cherry and I can't be with him at all times. Not when I get one text a day from him since he's so busy shooting scenes. Not ever.

Multiple hands shoot up to respond to the professors question. She picks a bubbly blonde in the front row. "His preparation definitely led to his death. He pushed himself too far and he couldn't handle the pressure of the movie, the pressure of stardom, the pressure of the Joker being so engrained in his mind. He couldn't shake it when filming ended, and it truly made him become some version of a psychopath."

Another student butts in. "Yeah, it's so obvious. He turned to drugs because he couldn't handle the role."

One other adds his opinion. "It's like Natalie Portman in Black Swan. She had to lose all this weight so she ate almonds and carrots for, like, months on end. And then she was in rehearsals all day and she dislocated a rib, but kept training. She said she thought she was gonna die on most days. It's very possible for actors to get so wrapped up in role that they lose a bit of reality. I totally think Heath Ledger died because of the Joker."

With that last student, I pick up my backpack and laptop and go stomping out of the lecture hall, choking back tears. I dramatically throw my belongings into my car and speed off, wiping my cheeks and trying to keep my emotions together.

I park in the first spot I see and jump out of my car, heading off to Tom's trailer, hoping that he'll be there, although the chances are slim. I've only been to Tom's trailer for Cherry once, and it was the first week of him filming. It's been lived in now, so I'm sure it looks quite different.

I hadn't expected his trailer to be a complete mess. At home, Tom is a little messy but always cleans up after himself. He clearly hasn't cleaned or let anyone clean up after him. There's clothes and shoes all over the floor and furniture, the sheets are messed up on the bed like he's been tossing and turning while sleeping, and the kitchen area is a complete wreck. There's a pile of papers and books on the coffee table that I make the terrible decision to investigate.

Having PTSD just messes up your whole life. I couldn't even get the energy to clean my house, or even my room, or my kitchen, or anything. I would throw things around and I would break things and just leave them. PTSD left me completely unable to function as a human. I couldn't sleep. How would I be expected to clean up after myself when I'm falling asleep standing?

Of course, his trailer like this is to keep himself in the character. I wonder if his costars can stand to look at him between takes.

The trailer door opens a moment later and I'm wishing it's Tom, but it's Harrison coming in, nonchalantly kicking a shoe aside to get to the fridge. "Oh hey, didn't know you were coming by. Tom didn't mention it."

"Is Tom gonna die?" I blurt out, my eyes pooling up with tears. Harrison's eyes widen at the wild question. "I'm scared he's gonna die. He's so into this character and he's gonna die, isn't he?"

"Oh my gosh, breathe, love. Tom isn't gonna die. Where are you getting this from?" Harrison takes a few steps closer to me, but it doesn't comfort me in any way.

"He's not eating, Harrison. I've seen him make food but I haven't seen him actually eat anything in almost a month. He's dealing with this disgusting trailer every day. I barely ever see him because he comes home and either goes straight to sleep or he's out at the gym until I'm asleep."

"Maybe you should talk to him." Harrison suggests. "Honestly, I'm worried about him too and I think you're the only person he'll listen to. You just gotta learn to keep your cool." He places his hands on my shoulders. "Why don't you go home and get some rest? I think you're just as tired as he is because you're stressing about it. I'll make sure that Tom goes straight home instead of going out, okay?"

I throw my arms around Harrison's waist in a much needed hug. "Thank you, Haz. You're the best."

"Yeah, I know I am." Harrison jokes with a shrug, letting me go. "Go, get out."

///

Tom doesn't come home for a while, not until I'm laying in bed, eyelids fluttering, ready to sleep. But the bedroom door creaks open, letting in a little bit of light. I listen as Tom bustles around the room to pull off his clothes, leaving him in just boxers for bed. He climbs into bed beside me, wrapping his arms around my waist. I sigh contently, melting into his embrace.

"How was your day?" I murmur, sleep slurring my words.

"It was fine. Go to sleep, you're exhausted." Tom whispers, placing lazy kisses to the back of my neck. "I love you."

///

The next morning is normal. Tom wakes up before me and takes a shower, leaving me alone in bed. But I get up and throw on a comfy sweater, preparing for my day of classes. Tom is heading downstairs as I'm pulling on my leggings, presumably for breakfast.

But just as I'm finishing brushing out my hair, I hear a relatively loud thump from downstairs. I immediately pause, listening for a yelled sorry from Tom, just anything.

"Tom?" I shout, creeping towards the open bedroom door. When I don't hear anything in response, I panic. I run downstairs and into the kitchen, finding the worst sight I could think of.

Tom is unconscious on the floor, a spot of blood on his forehead, and a whole slew of food on the stove. I drop to my knees, pushing Tom's hair out of his forehead. I reach onto the island and grab Tom's phone, unlocking it and dialing 999. I babble off to the operator that my boyfriend fainted when I was in the other room and I don't know exactly what happened, but that he's unconscious. She promises that an ambulance is two minutes away, that I should keep calm, and not move him.

I put the phone on speaker as I wait, setting it on the floor. And just as I do, Tom starts to stir, his eyebrows scrunching up and his head starting to swivel. I lean over him and place a hand on his cheek, forcing a smile, despite his closed eyes. "Hi, sweetheart. Hi, baby." I coo softly, my thumb rubbing across the skin. "Stay right where you are, okay?"

"What happened?" He murmurs, words slurred.

"I think you fainted. There's an ambulance coming, just don't move, baby boy, you'll be okay." I instruct him.

"Work." He whispers, head falling to the side.

"Don't worry about work. I'll call someone later on and tell them. You don't worry about that right now, okay? Just relax, I've got you."

The paramedics come knocking at the front door a moment later, sending me running over to answer it. I lead the paramedics over to where Tom is still laying in the kitchen, watching the paramedics lift him onto the stretcher and strap him in.

Tom reaches for me, making me rush over to his side. I place a hand on his cheek, moving my thumb against his soft skin, giving him a smile. "I'm right here, Tommy. Do you want me to call Harrison, or your mum or dad? Anyone?" Tom just nods, so I assume he wants someone. "Do you want me to come in the ambulance with you?" He nods again. "Okay, then I'm gonna go get some stuff and get right in there with you." He nods a third time, eyes closing all the way now.

I rush around the house in just a few seconds, pulling on a sweatshirt. I collect a backpack with a sweats for Tom, our wallets, our phones, chargers, money, and whatever I can find that we could need.

Tom is just being loaded into the ambulance when I go to lock the door and jump inside. I'm exiled to the corner while the paramedics start working on Tom, leaving me to send out texts to his family to tell them what's going on.

I'm with him every step of the way. I'm there as he rides to the hospital, I'm there as he gets brought right into a room, and I'm there as a doctor comes in to see him. But I'm pushed out a moment later to fill out paperwork, and I have to be separated from Tom.

I rush my way through the paperwork so I can get back to Tom. He would never leave me alone if I was in this situation, and I don't plan to do that to him. So I return the clipboard to a nurse and she leads me back to a different waiting room.

"You can just stay here until the doctor comes around to get you." I nod but have to hold in my groan. I just want to be with Tom.

I sit down and decide to check my phone, finding a few texts. Nikki and Dom says that the whole family is on their way, and Harrison says him and Tuwaine are leaving their golf outing to get here, but it's going to take a while.

I'm not sure how much time passes from when I get to the waiting room and when a doctor comes. Maybe it was ten minutes, maybe it was an hour. I wouldn't know. But a doctor comes around to get me, thankfully refraining from calling out Tom's name and avoiding any possible fan run-ins.

I jump up and rush toward him, smiling nervously. The doctor asks again if I'm here for Tom, to which I nod, and he leads me away from the waiting room.

"So, it seems that he's very malnourished." The doctor tells me, which is no surprise at all. "He is severely underweight and is also very dehydrated. Do you know why this is happening?"

We stop outside of his room and continue talking. "He's preparing for a movie role. His character has PTSD so he decided to lose a bit of weight. I told him it was too much but he swore he was fine."

"Do you know how much he lost?" I tell him twenty pounds and then a little about Tom's diet, and I can tell but his surprised face that Tom is in for some deep shit. "Wow, that's a lot for someone his age and weight. Basically, his body can't handle the work that he's making it do. If he's working on a film set and he's not eating properly, or at all, his body is going to give out because it can't support him. For now, I've got him on an IV drip to hydrate him and I'll come back in a little while to talk to you two about what to do from here."

"Okay, thank you so much. I can go in now?" The doctor nods and then heads off.

Tom's eyes are closed when I enter the room, but I can't quite tell if he's sleeping. Even still, there's a nurse taking his vitals who smiles at me, quickly finishing up and leaving the room.

Tom stirs when I sit in the chair beside his bed, scrunching up his crooked nose. I grab onto his free hand and move my thumb against his knuckles, taking a deep breath. "I can tell you're awake." I murmur, the tiniest smile on my face. "I know you too well."

The corners of Tom's mouth lift up in the tiniest, his eyes fluttering open slowly. "Hi." He mumbles, the word slurred.

"Hi, sweet boy." I keep my voice sweet and smooth. "How are you feeling?"

"Bad." Tom spits out, sighing. His eyes are squinting and he looks like he's in pain.

"Does your head hurt? The lights hurt?" He nods, so I stand and turn off the light, watching the wrinkles in his forehead smoothen out. "Did the doctor check you for a concussion?"

"I-I don't know."

I let go of Tom's hand again and poke my head out of the hospital room, flagging down a nurse. I tell her my concern and she promises to get a doctor in soon, then goes on her way.

"A doctor is coming, Tom." I take my seat again and lace our fingers.

A silence falls over us for a moment, but the quiet makes me more aware of the way Tom's hands are shaking.

"Are you feeling okay?" I whisper. "You're shaking. I just wanna make sure you're-"

"I'm sorry." And suddenly he's breaking down in tears, sobbing loudly. "You were right, I was wrong."

"Shh, sweetheart." I coo, moving to sit on the side of his bed. "Let's not talk about that right now. Right now, just relax and-"

"I don't wanna be here. I wanna go home." He whines, hand squeezing mine as tight as he can, which isn't much at all. He's far too weak.

"I know you do. But you've gotta be here so the doctors can help you get better so you can get home and get back to work. So let's not cry," I wipe my thumbs over his cheeks, "and just relax as much as you can. You can watch tv, close your eyes, so whatever. A doctor is hopefully coming soon to help you."

Tom looks at me with huge puppy eyes, rimmed red from tears. "You're not gonna leave me, right?"

A smile appears on my cheeks, but it feels forced. "Of course I'm not gonna leave you, pretty boy. I'll be right by your side this whole time and for the rest of your life, you know that."

His lips push out in a pout. "You can still call me pretty boy when I'm like this?"

"You'll always be my pretty boy." I leave forward and press a few kisses to his cheek, hopefully calming him down a bit.

The doctor comes back into the room a few moments later, and Tom forces me to hold his hand while the doctor inspects him again, this time for a concussion.

"Yep, your girlfriend is right, you've got a mild concussion. I'd assume you hit your head on something when you fainted, whether it was a cabinet or the floor. It's not too bad though, you should be fine in two or three weeks. But even still, I wanna keep you for the rest of the day. I know it's early, so we'll see how you're feeling later and see if you need to stay the night or you can go. We've got you on an IV to give you some vitamins and some essential things you've been missing out on over the past few weeks. You know where the nurses button is, if you need anything. I'll see you two later."

///

The rest of the day passes incredibly slowly. Tom's family shows up just a little bit after the doctor leaves. They stay for an hour or two, just to keep Tom entertained, but he's being very quiet and really only wants to talk to me. But his family is babying him and talking to him like a child. And as much as I do that to him when I'm consoling him, he absolutely hates when his family does it.

And then Harrison and Tuwaine show up and wreak havoc. I know it's for entertainment purposes and to make Tom laugh. They show up and throw a backpack onto Tom's bed, what's filled with my laptop, smuggled in fast food, some extra clothes for Tom, and a handful of dvd's. Then they loudly make their way around Tom's room, inspecting every single thing that is on the walls or in the relatively empty cabinets. I'm tempted to kick them out so they don't get in trouble, but Tom is laughing and his spirits are lifted, so I don't bother.

By the time a nurse is coming around with lunch for Tom, he's starving. I can hear his stomach rumbling, but that's a sound I've grown accustomed to.

Tom pushes around his food, not interested in the bland hospital food. "I really want what Haz and Tuwaine brought." He eyes the McDonald's bag on the other side of the room. "I don't want this shit."

"I don't know if your stomach can handle that. You haven't had fast food in months and I don't know if that's good for you-"

"Please, baby, I'm so hungry and this looks terrible." Tom begs, pushing the tray of food away from him.

I easily comply, not wanting to put up a fight with him when he's feeling so tortured at the moment. I open the bag and find a ridiculous amount of food, more than me and Tom could ever eat.

"God, these idiots must have bought the whole store out. What do you want-burger, fries, nuggets?"

"Yes." He responds, making me roll my eyes.

"You're impossible." I pull out a small fry, a cheeseburger, and six piece nugget and hand it over to him, watching him smile happily. "You're nuts. Please eat slowly and drink a lot of water. I don't want you getting sick and throwing up."

"Can we watch a movie too?" He shoves a nugget in his mouth and gestures to my laptop. I agree, pulling up Netflix and starting a random movie, setting my computer on the bed.

Thankfully, Tom doesn't have to stay the night. He's built up enough strength through the IV, food, and relaxation for the doctor to feel good about him going home. So he gets out of his hospital gown and into some sweats, signing discharge papers and wobbling out of the hospital room. And since I rode in the ambulance with Tom, Harrison comes to pick us up and drive us home.

"Looking a bit better, mate." Harrison says, giving Tom a bro hug when we get to the car.

"Thanks for picking us up." Tom mumbles before jumping into the backseat.

"Thank you so much, Haz. You're the best." I give him a tight hug before sitting beside Tom in the backseat and heading home.

///

"Do you wanna go up to bed or stay on the couch?" I ask once we step inside, dropping our bags beside the door. Tessa is off at his parents house, so our house is silent.

"I wanna go shower, and then go to bed." He mumbles, taking the lead upstairs and hobbling into the connected bathroom. I collect him some fresh boxers and a tee shirt, putting them on the counter for him when he's done. I busy myself by changing the sheets and fixing up the bed, distracting myself from the craziness of the day.

"Babe!" Tom starts calling. "Baby!"

I panic, fearing the worst, rushing into the bathroom. "What? What's wrong?"

"Will you come in with me?" He asks like a child, pouting, his curls dripping over his forehead.

"I thought something was wrong." I groan, but begin stripping off my clothes anyways. I step into the warm water and sigh of relief, happy to wash away the stress of the day. I immediately wrap my arms around Tom's skinny waist, burying my face in his neck. "I'm just glad you're okay."

"Yeah, me too." Tom sighs, hand running up and down my back gently. "Thank you for being there for me. You're the best girlfriend ever."

"Thanks." I chuckle with an eye roll. "I'm just glad you're home."

We finish up in the shower not long after, since being exposed to the warm water for too long could make Tom faint again. So we get dressed and crawl into bed, curling up under the cold duvet. I rest my head on Tom's chest and close my eyes, trying to drift off to sleep.

"You can say it now, you know?" Tom murmurs, lips ghosting over my forehead.

I smile softly, letting a beat pass. "I told you so."

[almondmelkk]

How to ACTUALLY meal prep

Breaking down meal prepping 

So I see a lot of people share meal prep ideas and showing put this much brown rice, this much meat/protein source and this much veggies. But everyone’s dietary needs are different so one persons meal prepping won’t be suitable for everyone. Some people may need less calories or more protein for instance. So here’s how you can make sure your more closely getting the meal prepping you want and need.

So first things first, your going to have to do some math 🙀 (I know sorry). You’ll need to calculate your caloric needs*and then from there you can calculate your macronutrient needs. (Macronutrients “macros” are carbs, fats and protein. They provide the body it’s energy through calories.)

I know this can seem like a ton of info (because it is) but once you do all your calculations and try it a few times it becomes a lot easier and you won’t really have to think about it!

How crazy you wanna get with your meal prepping is up to you! If you wanna prep every meal and get everything perfect to the gram that’s awesome and I respect your discipline! As for me, I just like to loosely follow my macro needs and only meal prep once a day (typically lunch for me since I like packing a lunch for work). For my other meals I’m generally conscious of the approximate calories and macros but I don’t calculate them.

I’m going to try to share as much information with you as I can, but this can get VERY complex since we are talking about calculating macronutrients. Like I said everyone is different so things vary person to person due to activity level, weight, gender, height etc. Also, the more specific your goals are the more specific/tricky your meal prepping will need to be. What I mean by that is, if your goal is to gain 5lbs of muscle it may be difficult for you to judge how much you should skew your protein needs. In those cases it would be beneficial to see a dietitian who can help closely guide you. Thats not always feasible though, so I provided general recommendations of macro nutrients designed for different levels of activities and goals. 

One thing I HIGHLY RECOMMEND is a scale!! This is huge because when you look at nutrition values in food they usually have cup amounts and then gram or ounce amounts in parenthesis next to it. So when you measure something with cups the amount can vary so much! When you scoop up one cup, sometimes the food might be more or less compact causing a significantly different measurement. However, if you weigh the food you’ll always get the exact amount needed that way the nutrition info will be correct. 

Alright lets get into it! You’ll need to calculate your general calorie and macronutrient needs. 

Start with calculating your calorie needs (This will help you determine how many calories you want to eat and put into your meal preps). 

Once you have your calorie needs click here for recommended macronutrient amounts. (This is will help you determine how much grains/veggies, proteins, fats etc. to put in your meal preps

Now you may still need a little more help picking what percentages/amount of each macro you want. This is super tough to try and give advice for over a blog post but again ill do my best! 🤗

If your a sedentary individual trying to lose weight WITHOUT an exercise regime, then you may want to pick a fairly balanced amount of macronutrients such as 60% carbs, 20% protein & 25% fat. 

If your trying to lose weight WITH an exercise regime,  increasing your protein would be a good idea because a decrease in calories could cause muscle atrophy (reduction) because not enough protein would be present to sustain muscle. So a good idea might be to decrease carbs a bit to 55%, increase protein to 25% & 25% fat. 

If your trying to maintain your weight than you can focus more on just picking % that fit you (This can go for anybody/activity level too). Pick what makes the most sense to you and how you like to eat. I enjoy carbs so I would pick a higher carb percentage, I weight lift so higher protein percentage and than lower fat percentage. If you feel like carbs don’t agree with you then lower to 45% and increase proteins and fat. 

If your an average gym goer, a balanced amount of macronutrients will be appropriate as well. Perhaps, 50-55% carbs, moderate protein for muscle growth 20-25%, and moderate fat 25%. 

If your an endurance athlete (runner, marathons, triathletes), your going to be eating a lot of calories in general but you’ll definitely want to pick a higher carb percentage such as 60-65%, low-moderate protein 15-20% & low fat 20%. 

If your a power/strength athlete (powerlifter), moderate-high carbohydrates 50-65%, increase your protein to compensate for muscle growth so high protein 25-35%, and low fat 20% as its not considered beneficial for power athletes (or endurance athletes). 

*All of your daily % can fluctuate within a desired range (probably about 5-10%) as well. Like everything Ive said, this is all general recommendations and how strict you want to be is up to you*

A few more things that may apply to you!

If your:

Trying to maintain your weight- This is a little easier since all you have to do is eat the exact same amount of calories as you calculated. Also, maintaining weight doesn’t have to mean that your not trying to change your body at all. For instance, Im fine with my weight but I’m trying to gain muscle and lose some fat. Im doing this by maintaining my calories, slightly increasing my protein intake and increasing my strength training.

Trying to lose weight- Reduce daily calories by 500-1000 calories, this will give you a weekly weight loss of 1-2 lbs (.45-.9kg). Decreasing calories by more than a 1000 and loosing more than 2lbs/week is not recommended unless advised/surpervised by a physician. If your trying to lose weight, using your gram per kg of body weight recommendation won’t work because it doesn’t take into account that your trying to decrease calories. Therefor, you will need to use your daily calorie % values to calculate how much carbs to eat. Ex. You burn 2000 calories daily, your trying to lose weight so you reduce your calories to 1800 calories. So to meet daily carb recommendations (45-65%) for instance, 1800 x .45(45%)=810 cal, 1800 x .65(65%)=1170cal if you want to take it a step further and figure out how many grams that is you can divide the calories by the calories in macronutrients. Carbohydrates have 4 cal per gram therefor, 810/4=203 g and 1170/4=293 g. Therefor you can strive to eat 203-293 g of carbohydrates. 

Trying to gain weight- Is just the opposite of trying to lose weight. Your going to increase your calories, and probably your workouts because odds are your trying to gain muscle and not fat. 2300-3600 calories above weekly needs (or 300-500cal more each day) is required to gain 1/2-1lb. Again though, if your not working out enough for your body to NEED these extra calories to repair and build muscle all you will be doing is gaining fatty weight. The increased calories should correspond to the increased demand that your workout out puts on your body. Also, it is recommended that the additional calories are in the form of carbohydrates. Otherwise the body will use your protein sources as the fuel it needs therefor taking away from the protein needed to build muscle. 

So FINALLY making this all translate into actual food! With all these recommendations we can look at a few examples:

Cooked brown rice (200g)- 222 calories, 2g of fat, 45g carbs, and 5g protein

Grilled chicken breast (3oz)- 120 cal, 2g fat, 0g carbs, and 25g protein

Steamed mixed veggies (8oz)- 90 calories, 2g fat, 15g carbs, and 4g protein

TOTAL- 432 calories, 6g fat (13%), 60g carbs (56%), & 34g protein (31%) 

Based off of these percentages (not calories, as they are quite low) this meal prep might be great for a power athlete because of the high protein and low fat values (a little more fat might be good too so maybe cook the chicken breast in a little olive oil or add a little oil/butter to your rice to increase the fat). Also, you can consume more fats in your other meals to get your recommended values. 

Also with this info you can use it to calculate how many more calories, grams of carbs, fats and protein you’ll need for the rest of the day. 

Lets look at another example for a vegan perhaps. 

Cooked brown rice (200g)- 222 cal, 2g of fat, 45g carbs, and 5g protein

Chickpeas (3oz)- 276 cal, 5g fat, 45g carbs, and 14g protein

Steamed broccoli (4oz)- 39 cal, 0g fat, 8g carbs, and 3g protein. 

TOTAL- 537 calories, 7g fat (12%), 98g carbs (73%), 22g protein (16%). 

Based off of these percentages this would probably be better for an endurance athlete, because of the high carb %.  Again though this is just one meal of the day though, so you can eat more fat and protein in your other meals of the day and completely change your daily % making this meal appropriate for anyone!

 So basically what your doing is just trying to get the nutrition facts to add up to your daily needs instead of other peoples needs. The purpose of this post is just to show you how to measure your food so that your not just guessing how much food to put in without knowing how thats going to affect you. Like I said I know this is a lot but I highly recommend doing this at least a few times so you can see what a meal prep designed for you looks like. After that you won’t have to get so crazy and you can start to loosely follow these guidelines because you’ll know what to look for. 

Comment below if you have any questions or need help!!

*I posted this a while ago and a lot of people were saying it doesn’t work but I promise it does if you do the math correctly! Incorrectly adding or subtracting was the main reason why people got crazy numbers. Also, the taller you are or the more you weigh the more calories your body burns daily.

Source: Fink, Heather Hedrick., and Alan E. Mikesky. Practical Applications in Sports Nutrition. Jones & Bartlett Learning, 2018.

[theonlyjourneythatmatters]

So, let me preface this by saying that I did struggle figuring out food choices and how to get my calories in check. I struggled with a lot. But let me start from the beginning! This is going to be long- so buckle in. Also- get it out of your head that this is a "diet". This needs to be treated like a lifestyle change.

PHENTERMINE

I went to the Weight Loss Clinic in D'Iberville and got the Phentermine. It's not cheap by any stretch, but if you're like me and had zero energy or motivation, and you needed that jump start to get you started, it is worth it. The side effects for me have been mild. I barely slept the first week. They advise to take it early. I was taking it around 7:30-8:00 am. However, even though I barely slept, I did not feel exhausted and worn out the next morning- so there's that. It does make you sweat a lot, and if you're not eating enough, you will get shaky.

WATER WATER WATER

Water is a must, especially if you're taking the Phentermine. It can and WILL dehydrate you super quickly. Either buy a gallon of water to keep with you at all times, or invest in one of those large water bottles off of Amazon.

MEAL PREPPING

I did not wait to start eating better. The Dr at the clinic told me to focus on protein more so than anything else. So I did my research to find out what had the most protein in it. The obvious choices are meats- fish (very good for you, plus it has Omega-3 which is essential for heart health), chicken/turkey, and beef. I'm not a big chicken fan, but it is what it is.

Now, I love fruits and vegetables so paring the sides with the protein meals was not difficult for me.

Most vegetables are not very high in protein- they're also not high in calories. Raw, fresh vegetables anyway. A medium cucumber is about 4 calories. FOUR. WHOLE. CALORIES. For one single raw cucumber! Frozen or prepared vegetables are a completely different story. Fruit, on the other hand, can be high in calories- but the serving sizes are pretty decent.

Snacks were a little more tricky because my favorite thing to snack on is chips. And how many calories are in chips? A LOT. Too much for me to be comfortable giving up 1/3 of my caloric intake for the day, that's for sure. So, I opted for chicharrons and veggie straws.

You can absolutely tailor the meals to your liking- just be mindful of the calories and serving sizes.

Now, let's talk about actual meal prepping. Go ahead and get your eye rolling and sighs out of the way now. I felt the same way ya'll did. Meal prepping takes time. It takes planning. And most importantly, it takes dedication. This is a super important step that you do NOT want to skip if you're serious about losing weight.

For me, it helps when I'm at work because it prevents me from having to go to Taco Bell or somewhere to grab a quick lunch. And don't get me wrong- if you want Taco Bell for lunch, go get it. Do not deprive yourself of the things you want- but work it into your calories. Depriving yourself of the things you like is one of the major reasons "diets" fail. But I digress.

I went to Walmart and bought partitioned meal prep containers.

Just simple containers with clear lids. I'm sure you could find those on Amazon as well- but I didn't want to wait. I also went to dollar tree and got the round containers for my fruit.

BREAKFAST

My breakfast was something simple: cottage cheese and fruit. Some days I had the cottage cheese flips (that had fruit in jelly) and other day I just had a yogurt. Now, I got to Biloxi Nutrition and get one of their meal replacement shakes and that keeps me full all the way through lunch. My favorites are: Banana Nut Bread, Banana Pudding, and strawberry cheesecake. All of the shakes are 220-240 calories so they're great if you're trying to stay under- or if you've blown them on other meals, you could get one for lunch or dinner instead of breakfast. I also stopped going to Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks for a coffee in the morning. If I'm going to eat, I'll grab an iced protein coffee from Biloxi Nutrition. Very few calories and it tastes great.

LUNCH

I cooked all the food for 2 weeks' worth of lunch. I bought chicken and tilapia for my proteins, and black beans and squash/zucchini for my sides. The chicken and fish was cooked in the air fryer with no oil. I did season it with salt, pepper, garlic and onion powder, and some Slap Ya Mama! seasoning. I think I may have also put lemon pepper on some of them. I tried to mix up the flavors so I didn't get bored eating them- different flavors meant it felt like a whole new meal.

I also bought some steak medallions and shrimp. I did buy some frozen, premade veggies: broccoli in cheese sauce, a brussels sprout and carrot medley, and some butternut squash spirals.

I bought minute maid brown rice and mixed it with the seasoned black beans. This gave me a little more of a full feeling (carbs make you feel full) and added texture to the beans. Brown rice is better for you than white, but if you prefer white, you do you, boo boo!

The sweet mini peppers are just halved with cream cheese and Everything Bagel Seasoning (I found it at Walmart). Then I just had cut up strawberries and whole blueberries for something sweet. I started eating those with breakfast and that one container lasts me almost all day.

DINNER

Depending on my calorie count for the rest of the day, my dinners vary. This is a spinach wrap stuffed with 2 pieces of turkey bacon, 1/4 of an avocado, spinach, thinly sliced onion and cucumber, Bitten creamy strawberry dressing, and medium heat banana pepper rings. The cucumbers I allowed to sit in red wine vinegar and a little bit of canola oil while I prepared the rest of my dinner. And the peppers are the same as what I do for lunches.

Sometimes I'll have a big salad with a lot of added stuff (sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, lots of veggies, chicken, steak, or shrimp, olives, etc).

SNACKS

I usually eat trail mix, or the 100 calorie pack of nuts. I sometimes pair that with fruit, turkey bites, and/or a stick of colby jack cheese. I also enjoy chicharrons (BBQ is my favorite),

CALORIES

So I know I'm talking a lot about calories. So how do you figure out how many calories something has? Well, for starters, it's on the back of most packing along with the other nutrition information. Duh. But I would assume your question would be more along the lines of "How do I know how many calories are in my meal?" This has a simple answer. Get a calorie counter! There are plenty of free ones that you can use. I use MyNetDiary. Some of the options do want you to use the Premium paid service, but for the last 3 weeks, the free options have worked just fine for me. This app will ask you what your weight goal is, and will set a daily calorie intake for you based on your current weight, your goal weight, and when you want to reach that goal. It will adjust automatically based on your entries.

You can also link smart watches and smart scales to it.

On this app, you can track your calories by meal and snack. You can also track your weight loss, water intake, and goals. What I love about this app is it allows you to scan barcodes of the food you're eating and it automatically inputs the calories and nutritional information. AND it figures out the calories for you, based on how many servings you input. You can find the serving size on the package.

This doesn't work for everything, though. There are some things that you can't scan (restaurants, the drinks I get from Biloxi Nutrition). So with these, you can go online and search the calories or you can ask (Biloxi Nutrition has their values listed on their menu boards).

Portion control is imperative. Especially for calorie counting. It seems crazy that you can have only 3 mini pickles per serving- but pair it with a few almonds and a little bit of cheese and beef jerky and you have a low calorie snack and it's not going to feel like you're cheating yourself.

Log absolutely everything that you eat on the app. You may struggle for the first week but you WILL get it. It takes research and practice, and detailing your menu to the things that you enjoy.

GYM MEMBERSHIP

I got active. I joined the gym, and I actually go and work out. The best part of being active and doing workouts, is that it BURNS calories! What's so great about that? Well, let's say that the calorie app said you need 1500 calories a day to hit your goal weight in the time you allotted. You go to the gym and do a moderate workout on the treadmill or bike (or whatever). You burn 400 calories. Your 1500 limit just went up to 1900. Now, that doesn't mean you have to reach that limit- but you now have more wiggle room to eat something that may be a little higher in calories. The gym I go to has a separate app that you can download and scan the QR code on the machine- it automatically logs it so when I go to enter my exercise on the calorie counter, I can just pull the app up and see my total for the day rather than trying to remember it later on.

I don't get crazy with working out. I DO NOT go every day. The general rule of thumb is 30 minutes of moderate activity per day. Some weeks I go twice, some weeks three times. This also varies based on my schedule. However, when I go, I make sure to spend at least one full hour working out (So if I go twice, that's really 4 days; three times is 6 days, etc). So if you can't make it to the gym every day for 30 minutes, on the days you can go, double your time and do light activity during the days you're unable to go. 30 minutes a day seems like a waste to me- so I make it count when I do go.

One thing you have to remember: muscle weighs more than fat. So while you may see the scale rise in number (if you're focusing on muscle building), you will also see your clothing size shrinking. DO NOT let this discourage you! If you're working out and your clothes are loose but the scale says 5 lbs heavier, you're not failing- you're gaining muscle.

Also, learn to go to the gym by yourself, and be okay with the fact that you may not always have a companion to go with you. Sure, it's nice to have someone along with you- but you're never going to get anywhere in life if you're having to wait on someone to be with you in order to do what you want.

APPLE WATCH AND SMART SCALE

I also started wearing my apple watch every day. This keeps track of my heart rate and my step count (which you can also log on the app- I usually don't unless it's a workout day).

I purchased a smart scale that I can link to my phone. When I weigh myself, it gives me other measurements too. I purchased the RENPHO Body Fat Scale Smart BMI Scale Digital Bathroom Wireless Weight Scale, Body Composition Analyzer with Smartphone App sync with Bluetooth, 396 lbs - Black. It connects to my phone and keeps track of everything in the app. It shows me my BMI, body fat %, water, muscle mass, etc. It shows you how much weight you've lost or gained since your last weigh-in. It also shows how much your BMI has decreased and how much your body fat has decreased. You can set a goal on this app as well- but I haven't.

Another MAJOR thing about a scale- you're going to be tempted to weigh yourself every day to see if you've made progress. DO NOT DO THIS! This is a leading factor in why people fail with "diets". They weigh themselves daily- see no changes (or see the scale go up) and get discouraged. I'd suggest no more than once a week- twice if you must. I try to weigh myself every Saturday (since it was on a Saturday when I started this journey and my initial weight was taken the day before). If I want to see how my week is going, I MAY weigh myself on a Wednesday.

Here are some tips about weighing yourself:

Do not weigh yourself daily

Weigh yourself once a week

Weigh yourself in the morning- you weigh more in the afternoon/evening because you're carrying around everything you've had to eat and drink.

Weigh yourself naked. You'd be surprised how much clothes and shoes actually weigh.

Don't get discouraged by the number on the scale- again, if your clothes are fitting looser, then you're going in the right direction.

Also, please remember- you did not get to the weight you are over night and you're not going to lose it over night. If you're looking for a fast, low-hassle weight loss program, gastric bypass surgery may be more your speed.

WHAT I LEAVE YOU WITH...

If you made it to the bottom of this post, CONGRATULATIONS! I know it was a long read with a lot of information. You may still have questions and concerns- you may still be confused and unsure what your next step is. But the fact that you got to this means you're ready to start.

You've crossed the biggest hurdle, which is understanding that it's not going to always be easy to make the changes you need in order to see the weight loss you want. You're taking the first steps to a healthier, happier you.

If you have any questions or need any help, feel free to reach out to me. I will give advice and suggestions if I am able to help get you on the right path.

[roeniusfitness-blog]

The importance of sleep and how it affects you

Sleep. Sleep is something that most people enjoy and look forward to, but yet, don’t get very much of, especially if you’re a college student like myself or are a matured adult. Sleep is a critical part of everyone’s life, and about one-third of a person’s life is spent sleeping, provided you are getting the adequate amount of sleep. According to the American Sleep Association, 50 to 70 million U.S. adults experience symptoms of a sleep disorder. About 30 percent of the population will experience insomnia at some point in their lives, and about 10 percent of adults will deal with chronic insomnia. Therefore, if you find yourself struggling to get sleep, you’re not alone. Sleep plays a crucial role in every single person's health and well being, but yet sleep is the one thing that most people, especially Americans, are willing to compromise even more than food and money. Most people have probably heard from some successful entrepreneur, business owner, doctor, lawyer, [you name it], that achieving success takes hard work, which may require many long hour days and sleepless nights. While it may be true that achieving success takes hard work, one should actually avoid sleepless nights if they want to achieve their full potential, be successful, and be healthy. Instead, people should place a high priority on getting a full night of sleep. According to sleepassocation.org, it is estimated that 35.3% of adults get less than 7 hours of sleep during a typical 24-hour day, which is hurting their overall health. Sleep is undoubtedly one of the most crucial and essential requirements for the human body to function properly. Sleep plays a vital role in the health and well being of the human body both physically and mentally. Not only does sleep help humans maintain their physical and mental health, sleep can actually save you from many serious diseases and illnesses. Sleep also plays a vital role in your ability to achieve your fitness goals. Matthew Walker, a neuroscientist, professor at UC Berkeley, and Founder and Director of the Center for Human Sleep Science, states that sleep is “probably the greatest performance enhancing drug that most people are probably neglecting in sport, especially in terms of physical performance, skill learning, memory, and recuperative benefits.” Without the proper amount of sleep each night, one will suffer consequences to their body that will drastically lower the quality of their life. The following is how sleep affects our bodies physically and mentally, and how it relates to fitness.

How lack of sleep affects your physical performance:

Trying to accomplish your everyday tasks while also trying to get into shape is a tough thing to do on it own, but factoring in inadequate amounts of sleep to that equation makes it even harder of a task for anybody to accomplish. Sleep plays an integral part in one’s ability to get in shape. A study done by a Matthew Walker shows why and how sleep affects one’s ability to perform in any athletic environment. Walker states: “In terms of motor skill performance [the movements’ related to large muscles such as legs, arms, etc. that are critical for athletic performance], lack of sleep drastically worsens your peak muscle strength, peak vertical jump height, peak running speed, build up of lactic acid, and decreases the ability of your lungs to expire carbon dioxide and inhale oxygen.” All of these factors play a crucial role in your body’s ability to lose weight and get fit; thereby, slowing your body’s ability to achieve your desired results. The fast production of lactic acid causes more muscle fatigue and post-exercise muscle soreness, thus making it harder to complete workouts consistently. Also, when you’re sore and tired, you may find yourself making more excuses as to why you shouldn’t go to the gym and eating unhealthy foods, which will make your workouts and your progress limited. Not being able to perform every day at peak performance with any exercise limits your body’s ability to get the most out of your workouts, and when you add in not being able to get the needed amount of oxygen, you’re going to drastically lower your ability to perform at a high level during your workouts. Walker states that “practice does not make perfect, practice with a night of sleep makes perfect because you are 20-30% better in your skilled performance compared to where you were at the end of your workout session the day before.” This amount of skilled performance could drastically lengthen or shorten the time it takes for you to start seeing results. Sleep is so important that if someone gets 6 or fewer hours of sleep during one night of sleep, your time to physical exhaustion will drop by up to 30%. So for example, say you are preparing for a marathon and are able to run 20 miles before noticing physical exhaustion. You can spend all your time training to run that marathon and be in great condition, but if you get 6 or fewer hours of sleep the night before the marathon race, you will likely be more noticeably physically exhausted by mile 14 compared to mile 20. Not only will sleep limit your ability to perform but if you are getting inadequate amounts of sleep, you are much more prone to injury. Walker found that in the difference of 9 hours versus 5 hours of sleep, there is a 60% increase in the probability of injury risk throughout a season of any sport. Lack of sleep affects all of us with negative side effects, but it affects each gender differently. When males experience lack of sleep, their testosterone is lowered to the level of someone ten years older than them. When females experience inadequate amounts of sleep, their fertility-related hormones are negatively affected.

How sleep affects your mental performance

Have you ever noticed that the less sleep you get the crankier you are throughout the day, and the more sleep you get the happier you are? This testament of crankiness versus happiness in itself is proof of the importance of sleep in our lives. According to a study from UCLA, sleep deprivation disrupts brain cells and their ability to communicate. While sleeping, your body’s cells are being reenergized, waste from your brain is being cleared out, and your memory and ability to learn are being supported. How many times have you been suffering from headache and then you slept for some time and wake up feeling 100% better? This is the effect that a sound sleep session has on your mind as well as body. Sleep is also essential for learning. A person needs adequate amounts of sleep after learning to essentially hit the save button. Sleep “future proofs” the facts in the brain. Without sleep the memory circuits in the brain become waterlogged and essentially makes it extremely hard to absorb the information. A study was conducted on a number of healthy adults who were placed into two groups. One group was a sleep-deprived group, and the other group got the adequate amount of sleep. The next day, they were placed in an MRI scanner and were presented the task of trying to learn a whole list of new facts that they have never seen before. The MRI results showed that the sleep-deprived group had a 40% deficit in the brains ability to make new memories without sleep.  This is difference between getting a 100% on an exam versus failing the exam, which brings me to the importance of sleep and education. In today’s academic world, students are becoming accustomed to getting no sleep so that they can study for exams or do homework. The U.S. National Institute of Health found that about 70% of college students are attaining insufficient sleep. This inadequate amount of sleep is then reflected during their day. As a student myself, I want to emphasize the importance of sleep to any student who thinks that staying up late for an exam is going to better their likelihood of passing. Inadequate amounts of sleep are also related to many diseases as well. If someone get less than 6 hours of sleep per night on average, they are 200% more like to get some type of cancer, inadequate sleep produces more beta-amyloid which is a protein that is a precursor to Alzheimer’s, and lack of sleep can lead to heart disease, diabetes, and obesity. Although all of these facts may be scary, there are ways to prevent inadequate amounts of sleep.

What you can do to make sure you are getting enough sleep

The best practices to avoid inadequate sleep: 1. Avoid Caffeine/energy drinks caffeine after 2 pm 2. Go to bed at the same time, and wake up at the same time. 3. Surround yourself with darkness before bed, and limit screen time to allow for melatonin hormone to build up. 4. Make your room colder to around 65-67 degree because your brain actually needs to cool down before sleeping 5. Avoid Alcohol. Alcohol is a sedative, which deprives of getting naturalistic sleep. 6. Avoid naps in the evening as it releases some of the sleepiness that is built up during the day. If you find yourself wanting to take a nap, the first question you need to ask yourself is “why do I need a nap?” Naps should not be taken in the afternoon as it releases some of the sleepiness that is built up throughout the day. Sleep is not like a debt where you can pay it off by sleeping extra long on the weekend.

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Home Front, Mission 25: Adventures in Babysitting

I Went to the Animal Fair

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JODY MARSH: Hey runners, it's Jody here! Still stuck in a warehouse. Janine's just been on the radio and apparently it's my turn on the home workout rota, so you lot get warming up and I'll talk through what we're doing today. My leg's pretty much healed, so it'll be good to get moving properly again. You can only fill up so many rucksacks with protein shakes and thermal underwear before you start cracking up. If we ever get these bags back to Abel, we're never gonna need new pants ever again.

Anyway, it's all been pretty grim lately, what with the mega horde and all, so I was thinking maybe we should take this chance and have fun. Be silly, you know? My brothers and me, when we were little, the four of us used to tear about the place. We never walked anywhere, it was always running and jumping and leaping over stuff, and those sorts of movements that kids do without thinking, they're really good for you, no matter what age you are. So that's the plan for today. And if there's any kids listening out there, I'd really love it if you'd join in and show your grown-ups how it's done.

But first off, you're gonna need to make some floor space. Clear away anything breakable and any furniture with sharp edges. I don't want anyone getting hurt. While you do that, I'm gonna put some music on. It's... Smash Hits for Runners, volume... [laughs] The number’s rubbed off, but the track list still looks really good. Once you've made some space, get dancing!

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JODY MARSH: Okay folks, I hope you're all warmed up, because we're gonna play snakes and ladders, Marsh family-style. Remember how I told you to clear some space? You're definitely gonna need it. When my brothers were little, my parents worked shift, so sometimes I'd babysit. My youngest brother, Titch - we called him that because he was so tiny when he was born, and it stuck, even when he got massive - Titch would never go to bed when he was supposed to. Always, "One more story!" Or, "Can I have a glass of water?" So we had to tire him out.

Mostly we took him outside to play, but when it was raining, there was nothing to do except TV and board games. This one time, he was still up at nearly midnight wanting one more game of snakes and ladders, and I had a genius idea. We'd play at actually being the snakes and climbing the ladder. So that's what we're gonna do now.

First off, you're going to be the snake. Get down on your belly and press your legs into a tail and pull your arms by your sides. Now we're going to spend the next 60 seconds wiggling. Try to reach the other side of the room. No cheating. Go! Snakes haven't got arms and legs, so you're not allowed to use yours! Try wiggling your shoulders, get a kind of rhythm going. Though... have snakes got shoulders? Halfway there. You can try hissing too, if you like. [hisses] Nearly finished! Who needs legs, anyway? Time's up, snakes. Right, time for you to practice snaking about on your own and I'll be right back after this.

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JODY MARSH: Okay, so you should all be expert snakes. Now time to climb a ladder! According to Ministry guidelines, this next exercise is called the inch worm, but it'll always be ladder climbing to me.

So stand straight up, feet hip-width apart. Now bend forward and put your hands on the floor as close as possible to your toes. Bend your knees a bit if you need to. Now walk your hands forwards until your back is straight and you're in a sort of plank position. Good. Now walk your feet up towards your hands until your bum's sticking in the air. When you're feeling a good stretch down the backs of your legs, walk your hands forward again.

Ready for 60 seconds of those? Go! Keep going until you've run out of room, then turn around and head back the way you came. Halfway there. You’re making good progress up that board. Only 15 seconds left. Bet you never thought a game of snakes and ladders would be this tiring. And done! I'm gonna play some music. You can keep alternating snakes and ladders, dance around, or do whatever feels good to you.

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JODY MARSH: Nice work, runners. Slow down to catch your breath, but keep moving. We're not done yet. When we were growing up, my gran only came to England once a year. She always brought a massive suitcase stuffed with presents, but the best bit was that she'd take us on a big day out, our choice.

Every year we picked the safari park. They had elephants, rhinos, a tiger, and a whole island full of chimpanzees. All the animals had a story. Most of them had been rescued from circuses or smugglers. They had massive habitats to move about and do, I don't know, normal animal stuff. We'd go for the whole day, eat ice cream and chips, and we'd talk about it for months afterwards. My brothers’ favorite game was making up stories about the animals and acting them out, so I thought we'd do some of that.

We'll start with my favorite, the elephant. Think about a big gray elephant and how they move. Make your legs stiff like tree trunks. Imagine you're stomping and crashing through the trees. You can pretend your arms are a magnificent pair of ears and flap them about, or if you like, you can make one arm your trunk and wave it about from side to side.

That's my favorite bit, making all the different elephant noises. They don't just trumpet, they roar when they're excited to see each other and make these amazing rumbles and chirps and squeaks to communicate, so any noise you want to make is good. Feel the way your body's moving, really enjoy letting it all go, and if you're done with being an elephant, you could always try being a giraffe or a tiger or those little monkeys with the really long beards.

The year I was 15, I decided I was too grown up for the safari park. Gran took my brothers and I... I don't know, I went shopping or something. And the next year, I went away to college. I'd give a lot for the chance to see all those animals again, with my family. You know what? If I can't see a tiger, I'm gonna be a tiger. I'm gonna prowl around to the next song, swiping my huge claws and pouncing on unsuspecting cushions, and you can join in with me.

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JODY MARSH: [laughs] Okay, that was the most fun I've had since I got trapped in this warehouse. The acoustics are great in here! It makes my elephant noises really trumpety. Anyway, next up, I'm going to teach you another famous Marsh family game. This one's called Floor Is Lava. We played it a lot, until my middle brother cracked his head open on the fireplace and my mum banned it, so uh, make really sure there's nothing sharp for you to fall against. If any of you lot gets injured, I will get in such trouble with Janine.

First, put something down on the floor as stepping stones. Cushions or towels are okay as long as your floor isn't slippery, but your imagination works fine, too. If you're outside, you could chalk some big circles on the ground. Put some of your stepping stones close together and have some that you really have to jump between. Now imagine the rest of the floor is bubbling lava and if you slip off your stepping stones, you'll instantly be burned to a crisp. Your mission is to get from one side of the room to the other and back again. Ready? Go!

We had a really ugly carpet in our living room, one of those vintage brown and orange ones. So we pretended the brown bits were the stepping stones and the orange was lava. There was a lot of shoving each other into the volcano, but don't do that. If you're finding the jumps too easy, put your stones further apart, or hop between them on one leg, or make this into a game of twister where you've got to alternate putting hands and feet down. Anything goes, just move in ways you wouldn't normally. Use some muscles that don't usually get a workout. Have some fun with it, and I'll put the next song on.

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JODY MARSH: You know, I used to really hate that song. Titch, my brother, he loved it. He went through this phase where he'd play it all the time. I could have throttled him. Every time I hear it now, I think of him. We lost touch after Z-Day. We were so close. I've tried to find him, all my brothers, but nothing. Nothing yet. I've got to believe they're out there, that they're looking for me, too. They'll be grown up now, even Titch. They could have kids of their own. So if the three of you are out there with news for me, get a message to Abel, let me know you're okay, would you?

It's kind of a scary thought, bringing kids into the world at a time like this. I don't know if I'd be brave enough. Maybe with the right person someday. And you Abel kids are such fun to hang out with. You've all got so much enthusiasm and imagination, and you all know these amazing facts. You're all superstars. So this last exercise is for you, the Abel Township kids superstar challenge. I'd like to say it's guaranteed to tire you kids out, but I'm pretty sure you're all dynamo-powered. There's no other explanation for all the energy you've got. We're gonna do some star jumps on the spot.

Stand with your arms at your sides. Now jump your legs out and fling your arms wide so you're making a star shape, then bounce back in again. Got it? Okay, let's do 15 seconds of those. Go! That's great! Now let's do another 15 seconds, but instead of side to side, move your legs forward and back. Go. Brilliant! For the next 15 seconds, it's back to side to side legs again, but this time punch your arms out in front of you in time with your jumps. Punch each arm in turn. Go. You're doing great! Now back to your original star jumps for 15 seconds, but this time see if you can go twice as fast. Go.

Well done, you lot! That was a great effort. I'm imagining you all lighting up like little supernovas. I hope you're all feeling well, tired, but in a good way. Take a few minutes to cool down, stretch those legs, and I'll be back after this.

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JODY MARSH: And that's our workout done! I suppose I should get back to filling these rucksacks with supplies. You lot'll have things to be getting on with too, but let's take a few minutes to relax before you go. Lie down on your back or flump down in a chair, close your eyes, and think of a place you really want to be, someplace you can't get to right now.

Me, I'm gonna think about the little postage stamp-sized garden outside the house where I grew up. If you can't think of somewhere, you can imagine that garden along with me. I can almost feel the sun on my face. There's that smell of cut grass, and a bird tweeting away to itself.

It's okay if missing somewhere makes you feel sad. I reckon there's no right or wrong way to feel about this stuff. I don't even know if our old house is still there, but I still love to imagine going back and opening that front door like I'm 14 again and my whole family's waiting inside for me.

They're not gone, those places, not as long as you remember them. I know we'll visit new places and make new memories. You'll see. And one day, all this'll be stories we can tell a whole new bunch of kids about.

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