#i think it's cuz he /acts/ like he's super cool so there's no guilt around kicking the shit around him every once in a while

[yandere-daydreams]

i literally love how asks always end up vaguely circling around “what if scara was crying in the corner for some reason” topic.

like a bit over a year ago it was ‘dottore gives scara a proportional dong that turned out to be 1.5 inches long’, and then he was a sex doll, and then a cat dealing with dog!childe, and now he’s a sex doll again with the iq of a roomba. i adore this progression so much <33

i can't help it that he's such a naturally pathetic man. hoyo has done everything possible in every on-screen appearance he's given to have him do something cool, immediately undercut it with someone going 'damn that guy's a fucking loser', then having him get his ass absolutely wrecked by whoever's available. sometimes he even kicks his own ass. it is my humble honor to make sure i portray him both accurately to canon and faithfully to my own heart's desires, and therefore he will be crying in your closet because he's jealous that you got a new refrigerator until further notice.

[butwhyduh]

Windows

Peter Parker x reader

So basically I got a prompt and accidentally deleted it, cuz I’m an idiot lmao. Peter is friends with the reader watches the reader out of the window cuz he likes her and then he finally comes in her window and confesses who he is and that he likes her one time. They are college aged. I hope I didn’t forget anything.

Warning;smut

Peter always felt like he had 2 lives. His superhero life and private life. But as he worked around the city and saw more people, he saw that there was a third life, home. People acted totally different in the privacy of their homes. Peter literally crawled on many windows on high rises and saw stuff he didn’t want to.

The first time was a pair of large breasts pressed against the glass as a woman was being fucked. Peter just webbed high without seeing in from the ground. As soon as his feet landed, her mouth made a soft o shape and Peter had jumped away from the window. The man probably hadn’t even seen him.

The worst thing he had seen was domestic violence and he wasn’t scared to climb through or shatter a window to save someone. Peter was usually pretty controlled in his actions, having literal super human strength. But when he saw a man punch a child, he had kicked in the window and webbed him to the ceiling. He had clenched his fist to resist pummeling the man. The sobs from the child had brought him back to earth with guilt. It was one of the few times that he waited with the victims until the cops came.

So when you, a classmate that he might think a little too much of, came to classes with bruises on your wrist, Peter was worried. He started following you. Was something going on at home? One thing he didn’t anticipate was that he was going to fall head over heels for you. The little quirky things you did when you thought no one was watching, dancing and singing into your hairbrush. Every time you got a phone call, you would flip off the phone before answering.

The fact that you were so kind to Peter in organic chemistry class didn’t help his growing crush. He had thought about asking you out so many times but it hadn’t been that long since he had broken up with MJ and he wasn’t sure he wanted to be burned again.

So instead he sat on the fire escape near your open window watching you live. He used the excuse that he hadn’t figured out why you were bruises to keep watching you. It was probably a random accident anyways. The shear curtains you had around you window whipped a little in the breeze and obscured the view into your room. So Peter had instead just listened to your softly playing radio and you light singing while doing his homework. He had the police scanner on in his ear but it was a quiet night.

Suddenly you screamed and he heard glass break. Without a second thought, Peter had jumped into your window and to your room. You had shrieked again.

“What the fuck?” You yelped, staring at him.

“What’s wrong?” He said seeing your coffee mug broken on the ground.

“A spider? There’s a spider in my room,” you pointed at a spider in the corner. Peter chuckled nervously before scooping the arachnid up and placing it out your window. It was only after that that he looked back at you and saw that you were only in your panties and bra. He froze for a second before turning away.

“Sorry y/n,” he said and mentally kicked himself. Spider-Man wouldn’t know your name. Fuck.

“How do you know me?” You asked staring. He couldn’t help but think you were absolutely gorgeous staring at him unabashedly in your current state.

“I don’t,” he squeaked and winced.

“I know you,” you said suddenly. “Your voice. Who are you?”

“That’s kinda the point of the mask. So no one knows,” he said with a nervous laugh. “I’ll be going,” Peter said walked to the window.

“Peter Parker,” you said.

“What?”

“You’re Peter Parker,” you said walking close and gently pulling up on the mask. He tensed at your touch but let you pull the mask off. “Peter,” you gasped.

“Uh hi?” He said before licking his lips.

“Holy shit. I wasn’t expecting this,” you admitted. You looked over his suit and couldn’t help but touch the spider on his chest and the webbing on his arm. Peter felt like his heart was going to rip out of the suit. You were so close and wearing so little and literally touching him through the thin suit. Peter started thinking of all the Yankee World Series wins because, of course, his dick wanted to respond. You touched the web shooter on his wrist. Your touches were light and curious but they felt like fire on his skin. He thought about the periodic table. Hydrogen, helium,..

“How do you do it?” You asked. “Like the webs? Are they organic fibers or synthetic? Where do you produce them?”

“Oh, um my apartment. They’re synthetic spider webs. A high density polymer with a super absorbent gel,” he said. You ran a hand up his arm and he inhaled quickly. Were you trying to turn him on or just curious about the suit?

“Kevlar lined Lycra?” You asked, giving the material a pinch. Peter jumped. Okay he was definitely semi-hard at this point. Fuck.

“Something like that,” he said before choking a little as you held both of his biceps.

“Not exactly what I imagined our first kiss to be like but I’ll take it,” you said softly.

“Our first-“ he said before being caught off guard by your lips on his. He froze for a second before responding. Your hand slid up to curl in his hair. You smelled like some kind of sweet lotion and the coffee you spilt. Peter gripped your waist, expecting fabric before feeling a jolt as he touched bare skin. Oh yeah, you were practically naked. You gently pushed him back towards your bed. You broke the kiss and pushed him back on to the bed.

“Oh, okay,” he said as you climbed on his lap. Peter’s hands gripped your thighs as you kissed his neck. You pulled at the suit a little with your fingers.

“How do we get this thing off?” You asked between kisses to his jaw and neck.

“Here,” he said and you pushed the button. His suit slid off his shoulders you shoved it down his body, touching his muscles as you explored him. Peter grabbed your breast through your bra and you sat up and pulled it off. He ran a hand down the middle of your chest and between your breasts before gripping one. You hummed a little with a shy grin.

“You want this right?” You asked. “I basically jumped you.”

“Yeah, it’s cool. Definitely cool,” he said running his hands along your body. You giggled before bending back down to kiss along his chest. You reached your hand into his suit and squeezed his hard cock. Peter gasped and grabbed your hips.

“Take it off,” you said breathlessly before climbing off of him. You pulled your panties off and walked over to your dresser where you pulled out a condom. Peter starred at your wet pussy as you walked back to him. He quickly shoved the suit down his legs and off. You straddled his lap before opening the condom. You jerked him off for a minute before sliding the condom on.

You sank down on his cock and made the prettiest sound. Peter wrapped his arms around your back and kissed along your neck and collar and you slowly bounced. You gasped and moaned freely. Peter could become obsessed with those little sounds you made.

You reached a hand down to rub your clit and he literally groaned at the sight. You taking pleasure from his body the way you wanted. You started speeding up and Peter resisted the urge to fuck up into you as he wanted you in control.

“Fuck me,” you pleaded and his hips started moving. Peter grabbed you by the waist before picking you up and flipping you both over and laying you on your back with your legs hanging over the edge of the bed. His hips snapped against yours roughly and you wrapped your legs around his waist.

“Yeah, like that,” you moaned. “Fuck.”

Your fingernails dragged along his back and your eyes were clenched closed in pleasure. “Peter,” you gasped as he changed his angle a little. Your mouth hung open and you made a ton of little noises. Peter was grunting and groaning against your skin too.

“Don’t stop. I’m close,” you breathed. He nodded and started think of the periodic table again. The way you were gripping him had him on the edge and he had to focus not to cum right there.

“Chromium,” he breathed as you temporarily clenched him as you got closer. Your brow furrowed a little in confusion but that was forgotten as you reached your high. You moaned out his name loudly and clenched him tightly. He gasped and came at the same time. He kept moving through both of your highs before stopping.

“Fuck,” you said before he pulled out to take care of the condom. “That was great.”

“Yeah,” he said shyly. He slid in bed with you. Peter wrapped his arms around your waist and you tangled your legs together.

“We should have done this months ago,” you said and he looked at you in surprise. “I’ve been missing out.”

He laughed nervously.

“Now you need to take me on a date because I don’t want this to be a one time thing,” you said laying your head against his chest.

“Yeah. I can definitely do that,” he said smiling. “I know a little Thai place...”

“Wait why did you say chromium?” You asked and he flushed a dark red.

[turtle-steverogers]

I Watched TWS for the Millionth Time So Let’s Over-Analyze This Shit

-TFA theme at the beginning 🥰 (that theme is so fuckin good)

-Sam’s lil jogging route around the Tidal Basin/Mall

-Steve being sassy , just as a general

-Steve’s sadness errands

-Sam relating to Steve on the soldier front and making him feel seen

-Just. Sam Wilson

-The way that Steve’s to-do list in the movie varies from country to country (For instance, the UK list has Sherlock instead of I Love Lucy and The Beatles)

-Also I wanna know Steve’s thai order

-The fact that this whole exchange is happening at 6:39 am

-Natasha drives with all the recklessness of a 16 year old that just got their license

-Stealth Suit Stealth Suit

-Steve deflecting Nat’s date suggestions

-Steve’s aversion for parachutes...reckless endangerment ✨

-Steve speaking/understanding at least a little french

-Tony having designed the Helicarriers to have arc reactor power instead of turbines because “he got a close up look at the turbines” in The Avengers 2012 when he got caught in them

-“This isnt freedom, this is fear” aka the embodiment of Steve’s character

-Steve’s exhibit being in the Air and Space museum even tho he flew a plane once and crashed it

-Bucky’s display having two different birth years (1916 and 1917. the correct one is 1917)

-In the little video of Steve and Bucky, Sebastian Stan was saying “We *are* friends” after the director told them to “act like friends” for that shot

-Steve acknowledging Peggy’s family and therefore acknowledging that their relationship with each other, while still close and special, is not romantic anymore and Peggy telling Steve to move on and start over wtf endgame

-The parallel of Peggy losing her memory as Bucky regains his

-Sam Wilson willing to show vulnerability and not being ashamed of his PTSD and treating Steve like any other attendee and hoping Steve will open up too if he sees that it’s okay to

-Steve’s face after “it was like I was up there just to watch” cuz he gets it and both sam and him had to watch their other half fall

-“What makes you happy?” “I don’t know”

-The Winter Soldier theme is just Bucky’s scream pitched different and made to sound mechanical because Henry Jackman wanted it to sound like a man trapped in a machine

-Why is Steve a lucky bastard that has his own laundry machine

-Steve leaving his apartment building after Sharon points out the music and then SCALING THE SIDE OF HIS OWN BUILDING AND CLIMBING IN THROUGH HIS WINDOW LIKE CAN YOU IMAGINE SEEING CAPTAIN AMERICA JUST CLIMBING INTO HIS APARTMENT THROUGH HIS WINDOW ONE NIGHT

-STEVE’s APARTMENT I HAVE MANY THOUGHTS (i might make a separate post on that)

-The fact that “A Long, Long Time” is playing when he sees Bucky for the first time in the future and the song is about lovers reuniting after the war i’m not saying it’s gay but i am

-He calls Fury “Nick” which really indicates theyre not close in the slightest

-Steve is excellent in adapting under pressure (him immediately catching on and using Fury’s code story: “who else knows about your wife?”)

-Steve is Awful at lying but hes also Excellent at lying

-How tf did Steve get the flash drive in the vending machine without the vending machine dude noticing i-

-“Captain Rogers” “Neighbor >:(“ petty little shit

-Steve’s observation skills are A+++++ as we can see in the elevator scene

-More reckless endangerment like imagine just going through your work day and captain america falls through the ceiling

-Steve stole someones gym clothes after escaping SHIELD. let that sink in

-Natasha has about a billion masks on at all times (“I only act like i know everything, rogers” “the person that programmed this was slightly smarter than me. slightly” “the truth isn’t all things to all people all of the time”) also she’s quite insecure, especially when it comes to being perceived as a good, trustable person

-Meanwhile, Steve’s consistently himself even if it costs him

-Bucky trained Natasha in the Red Room (at least in the comics) so theres a good chance she made the connection between him and Steve and withheld that information

-The honeymoon in New Jersey😭😭

-Steve and Nat both have very different, but entirely valid approaches to situations: Steve’s is that of a tactiction, Nat’s is that of a spy’s. We see this in the scene at Pentagon City Mall

-Steve’s looking for someone with shared life experience and bucky has that

-Bucky killed JFK

-When Zola tells him that his death and life both amount to that of a zero sum, he punches the screen with his bare fist, not his shield, indicating just how much that upset him

-Pierce offers Bucky milk cuz he knows “the asset” can’t refuse or accept offers. He’s taunting him

-Sam drinks orange juice straight from the bottle and also doesnt refrigerate his mustard. There’s also a baseball trophy in his apartment so,,,,, baseball player sam anyone?

-Sam is also a gem who immediately helps out Steve and Nat with no judgement in his tone so they don’t feel ashamed

-Nat straightened her hair somewhere in Sam’s house

-“Cuz thats really not your style, Rogers” “you’re right, it’s not” *rubs sitwell’s arm* “it’s hers”

-Steve and Nat banter Steve and Nat banter

-Sam is just *clenches fist* so cool

-Nat immediately knows where Bucky’s gonna shoot when he lands on the Sam’s car and later she knows how to affectively fight him best because he trained her so she knows his fighting style

-Steve alone saying “Bucky?” was enough to break Bucky’s conditioning the slightest bit

-Sam met Steve like 36 hours ago and he’s already being arrested and made into a government fugitive with him and it won’t be the last time

-Steve is the only one entirely restrained

-“Even when I had nothing I had Bucky”

-Everyone meets Sam and is just like “aight let’s trust him with the highest clearance security information”

-Steve looks super nauseous all through the scene where Rumlow is handcuffing him and later when he says, “he looked right at me, like he didn’t even know me” he sounds sick and choked up

-Steve carries a lot of weight on his shoulders

-Steve’s “Bucky?” after the highway battle and Steve’s “Bucky?” in Bucky’s memory in the Vault Scene being different (in Bucky’s memory, he looks more heartbroken)

-Sebastian’s acting. Just all of it. And the way Bucky just opens his mouth for the mouth guard before he gets wiped....heartbreaking

-Steve realizes an organization that was meant to protect the people has become its own antithesis so hes like “aight. get rid of it” damn that’s the right mindset right there

-In the memory scene after Sarah’s funeral, Steve is so out of it and distressed, that he can’t find his key but Bucky immediately knows exactly where it is and what he’s lookin for

-Bucky was vain as shit and also had money: tailored suit, hair w shit ton of brylcreem in it

-The big breakfast Steve had was at Sam’s house

-The whole scene on the helicarrier between Steve and Bucky is incredible here are some highlights: Steve never backing down from a fight until it’s Bucky he’s fighting, Steve dropping the shield for him, Steve being ready to die if living means he’s living in a world where Bucky’s alive and doesnt remember him

-Their acting in that scene is so genuine and heartbreaking i can’t- i can’t-

-Steve’s got a comm i’m so chances are Nat, Sam and Maria can hear a portion of what’s going down on the helicarriers

-“I’m with ya to the end of the line” is basically “til death do us part” so the equivalent of wedding vows between Bucky and Steve is what ultimately broke Bucky’s conditioning

-When bucky fell, steve didn’t jump after him but when Steve fell, bucky went after him even tho he’s brainwashed. don’t think about steve’s guilt surrounding that. youll only get sad

-Bucky waited until Steve took a breath to leave him

-Sam waited by Steve’s side in the hospital

-In the end credit scene, Bucky and Steve originally were supposed to make eye contact, but the writers didn’t want it established that Bucky remembered Steve until CW

----

Every time I watch it from here on out, I’m gonna add a lil more as I notice hehehe

[vivithefolle]

“love is more ingrained into Ron’s character than in Harry’s even” Yeah no. I’m not trying to rain on your parade, but this goes against canon

Harry saw his family in the Mirror, aka, his deepest desire, wanting to be loved. Ron saw himself as the best of his brothers, aka, wanting to be the best. Harry gets embarrassed but happy when shown affection, Ron gets annoyed at Molly coddling him. Harry is the most attracted to the Resurrection Stone because it’s a way to see his family, Ron is the most attracted to the Elder Wand because it would give him power. Harry tried to save Malfoy, someone that he “hated” from the fire because he will not let ANYONE die, Ron told Harry to leave them and got angry at going back for them. Harry can not be effected by a horcrux or Voldy cuz of the love inside him, Ron is effected a LOT

Of course Ron is driven by love, all the characters are, even Snape, but to say more than Harry is inaccurate

Oh great it’s the Harry stans again. Okay here’s a preface: Harry is such a pitiful good guy that he literally keeps the bad guy alive. Can you believe it? Being a Horcrux keeps Voldemort alive, and Harry is a Horcrux. So logically Harry does more harm by staying alive than by being dead. Had Dumbledore just effing killed him instead of getting attached and trying to save the dumbass Voldemort would have died faster. Fuck Harry man, worst saviour of the world ever.

Now that this is out of the way...

Harry saw his family in the Mirror, aka, his deepest desire, wanting to be loved. 

Ah ah ah, nope. It’s not that. You say it yourself. Harry sees his family. So Harry’s desire, logically... is a family. If possible, his original family because we all know how much “found family” means to the traditional Rowling.

Ron saw himself as the best of his brothers, aka, wanting to be the best. 

Ron saw himself cumulating the accomplishments of Bill and Charlie specifically. It’s a little small for “wanting to be the best”, isn’t it? The best of his brothers, sure, but he could have seen himself being crowned World’s Best Emperor, or defeating Voldemort, or having legions of fangirls at his feet. No. Instead he’s shown “being like your cool older brothers”. A bit underwhelming for "being the best”.

Harry’s desire stems from longing, Ron’s desire stems from admiration, you could say.

Harry gets embarrassed but happy when shown affection, Ron gets annoyed at Molly coddling him

Ron gets annoyed outwardly, but inwardly we don’t know how he reacts. Maybe he acts annoyed because ugh Mum not in front of my friends I’m supposed to be a cool macho manly man, but inside he’s all fuzzy and it’s only his teenage pride that stands in the way of him returning his mother’s hugs. Case in point, when Ron gets complimented, he also reacts embarrassed but happy. Also, Molly usually coddles Ron right in front of Fred and George, which is another deciding factor: Ron hates being vulnerable in front of Fred and George because he knows they’ll bully him for it.

Harry is the most attracted to the Resurrection Stone because it’s a way to see his family 

Yes yes poor wee Harry the orphan wah wah. Only orphans can feel love it’s well-known.

Ron is the most attracted to the Elder Wand because it would give him power. 

And why would he want that power, hm?

Maybe for the same reason why he saw himself being the best out of his brothers?

Maybe because Ron craves recognition, admiration, praise? Love? Maybe because Ron believes that, with the power the Wand could give him, he’d finally be special enough to be worthy of loving?

Let’s think deeper than just “hurr durr rawn wants powur”.

Harry tried to save Malfoy, someone that he “hated” from the fire because he will not let ANYONE die, 

Because Harry’s a fucking dumbass with issues who literally has a “saving-people-thing” as Hermione so eloquently put it at the worst possible moment tto put it.

It’s not much love that drives Harry to save Malfoy. It’s just that Harry has that martyr complex that won’t let him let anyone die.

Ron told Harry to leave them and got angry at going back for them 

Because Ron literally had Hermione flying with him, and to go back would mean not only putting himself in danger (which, as we saw multiple times through the series, he’d gladly do anytime anyday) but also putting THE WOMAN HE LOVES in danger, and that isn’t something Ron does. Ron is perfectly happy to lay down his life (except when it’s for a proto-Nazi like Malfoy, and he’s right, you know) but he’s not willing to risk Hermione’s along with his. Ron sacrifices himself only, thank you, he’s not like Harry who’d guilt his friends into his disastrous “let’s save Sirius” expedition.

And in the end guess what? Ron went back, while having Hermione on his broom with him, because Harry was enough of a stupid fuck to try to save both Malfoy and Goyle and would have died otherwise. Ron risked both his and Hermione’s lives for the sake of his friend’s martyr complex. Oh Ron, why do you care so much for those selfish fucks, they don’t deserve you.

Harry can not be effected by a horcrux or Voldy cuz of the love inside him

lolno

If Harry really couldn’t be affected by Voldemort because of ~the lurve~ within, then how come he spent years getting glimpses of Voldemort’s mind? How come Voldemort was able to send him a fake vision of Sirius being tortured? If Harry is really protected by ~his lurve~ then seems like he needs a serious refill because he was running low on it by fifth year.

“Can you feel it, though?” Ron asked in a hushed voice, as he held it tight in his clenched fist. “What d’you mean?” Ron passed the Horcrux to Harry.  After a moment or two, Harry thought he knew what Ron meant. Was it his own blood pulsing through his veins that he could feel, or was it something beating inside the locket, like a tiny metal heart? - Deathly Hallows, chapter 14

Aaaand yeah he needs a refill in lurve there. Cmon Harry you’re supposed to be the speshul one but even Ron can tell there’s something Voldemort-related here before you do. Really Harry, make an effort, you’re supposed to be the Voldemort radar and your “useless” sidekick beats you to it.

And look how much Harry is ~unaffected~ by the Horcrux thanks to his super ultra special awesome coolest power of LURVE:

“Of course!” cried Hermione, clapping a hand to her forehead and startling both of them into silence. “Harry, give me the locket! Come on,” she said impatiently, clicking her fingers at him, when he did not react, “the Horcrux, Harry, you’re still wearing it!” She held out her hands, and Harry lifted the golden chain over his head. The moment it parted contact with Harry’s skin he felt free and oddly light. He had not even realized that he was clammy or that there was a heavy weight pressing on his stomach until both sensations lifted. - Deathly Hallows, chapter 15

Such unaffected much immunity very protagonist wow.

Also, what tells you it’s really ~LURVE~ that “protects” Harry from Horcruxes? After all, Harry is a Horcrux himself. Who’s to say the Horcruxes aren’t a little more lenient on him because they think he’s one of them? Who’s to say it’s really love that protects Harry and not the fact that he’s literal part of Voldemort? It makes more sense to me that the Horcruxes would act a bit more like antibodies, trying to destroy the part of Harry they can identify as “Not-Voldemort” and to keep the “Voldemort” part but having a hard time guessing which is which, rather than the hazy power of feeling feelings that every human being has.

All in all: Harry ain’t special dude. Yes he feels love. Like everyfuckingbody else. Yes his mother sacrificed herself for him. Like any halfway decent mother would.

But aside from being Mr Generic McGeneric there’s nothing that tells me he’s ~so purely strongly associated with love~. No. Nothing. He fights Voldemort because destiny wah wah killed my parents and stuff; Ron could have sat out the war as a neutral Pureblood and didn’t. Harry went around in circles thinking it would somehow accomplish something and being pissy at everyone but himself when it turned out doing the same thing over and over isn’t productive; Ron was told to leave and left the Hunt before he came back because he loved his friends.

Yeah if I should name a character I feel is more loving, I’d go for Ron, not for Harry, regardless of what ~canon~ tells but doesn’t show.

[b1ksh88p]

Be Mine ⛏

Plot Plot: You’ve been in a few relationships, unfortunately all ending in tragedy. You had a reputation for being a bad omen. Truly you were a sweet girl but it seemed like every single one of your lovers ended up dead or horrendously disfigured in the long run. This Valentine’s Day your boyfriend decides to jump ship for some blonde crushing the little hope you had left for your love life. In a slightly drunken haze you sneak into the mines for a rant about the cursed corporate holiday and to drown your sorrows in the solitude of the mines. But it seems like you’ve got a listener.

Tags/Warnings: Lots of cursing | Sprinkle of angst | Fluff

The cold air of the abandoned labyrinth did nothing to cool you down as you ventured further into its clutches. To put it lightly you were on fire. Every part of you wanted to tear someone apart. The auburn liquid sloshed around as you clumsily stomped past heaps of forgotten debris. If not for your drunken stupor you would’ve turned back. Everyone knew the horrific tale of the pickaxe cannibal murder. Although you were sure the story was somewhat embellished you’ve heard worse. Poor fuck did what he had to do to survive. Anyone else would’ve done the same, it’s human nature to do anything no matter how gruesome to survive.

“Give a girl a box of cheap chocolates and a fucking bouquet of withering roses and she’s supposed to repay ya by sucking your fucking dick and acting like yer the best thing since sliced bread.” You grumble.

The deeper you go the darker it gets. Stone walls become suffocating and everything looks like the enemy. A fight or flight response may have kicked in but you were in no place to think rationally. When your heel broke you fucking snapped.

“Stupid Roses, fuck ass chocolates, fake relationships for fake people who wouldn’t know love if it fucking stabbed them in the face!” You yell throwing the broken heel piece deep into the darkness. “A corporate holiday with no fucking insignificance! Just a money plot and a excuse to fuck and act like you like that worthless pathetic fuck you’re dating that you like them. When all 364 days you’ve been with em ya fucking loathe them!” You continue on tearing up the damned holiday in partially incoherent babbling until you hear glass break.

Despite your conditions you aren’t stupid. “Fuck is that?” You call out whilst backing up. At first you’re sure it’s a group of horny teenagers but through the gritty lights you see a single foreboding silhouette. This was where you run. Or at least you should’ve. Instead you squint your eyes like some tourist taking in the sights and step forward. “Bud y’know the mines are abandoned cuz of the poor guy who had to eat his friends right?” You call out. “I mean do you if this is your thing I support it but it’s kinda weird since you look exactly like the serial killer guy. Spot on cosplay.” You compliment. The figure doesn’t move. It doesn’t even look like he’s breathing. You feel your hairs start to stand up and goosebumps pepper you skin. It seems your liquid courage was fading.

“Welp I’ll leave you be, don’t wanna bore you with the details of this fucked up holiday.” You let out a wry laugh before turning your back on the figure. You get about 12 good steps in before the stride of death crescendos behind you. Now you were running. Your broken heels doing wonders at making this chase the easiest for your attacker. In the midst of running you take them off and throw them off behind you. Now look you weren’t aiming for the guy but when you heard the hit connect and a surprised grunt you got the feeling you were fucked. Instead of running in a straight line you dip into a little crawl space. Maybe he’d give up and fuck off you. To your horror the man crouches down and starts to crawl his way inside.

Without thinking you take the whiskey bottle and crash it on his head. “Leave me alone I don’t even like this fuckass holiday you fucking weirdo!” You cry. He looks up at you and stops trying to fit.

“Why not.” His voice was eerily calm. As if he weren’t some insane pickaxe murderer but a man.

“Well because it’s stupid and to lovy dovy. And because it feels wrong to celebrate it when such a tragedy had occurred.” You explain. “And...and I got dumped today so there’s that.” You huff.

“...You pity me?”

You shake your head. Words weren’t really your strong point and you didn’t need him thinking you were coddling him or anything. Instead you just stare into the glossy eyeholes with your own praying he’d just fuck off. You practically shit yourself when he continued to scramble through and stand up. You grab a rock and stand ready to knock him upside the head with it only have your wrist harshly grabbed mid throw.

“I don’t want your pity.”

This was it. You were gonna die. And it was gonna be painful and super fucking lame. On your headstone it would say:

“Loser girl no one cares about got dumped on Valentine’s Day...also got murdered lol”

Even though you wanted to sob and cry your eyes out you were way to stubborn to go out pleading and begging. “I was being empathetic you weirdo! We do what we gotta do to survive, and you did just that. You aren’t some crazy murderer. You’re just angry and traumatized and that’s ok!” The grip on your wrist only tightened. “Gah! Th-the system failed you dude. The whole fucking city failed you and still is failing you! You ha-have a right to be mad! I’m not excusing what you’ve done b-but shit I would’ve done the same!” You squeal feeling the blood flow completely cease as he tightened his grip.

Suddenly the pain stopped. You open your eyes and rub your poor wrist hoping the feeling would return. He seemed more docile. It was as if his entire aura had changed. The man sat down on a hunk of rubble, his weapon clenched in his grip. If you didn’t know better you could’ve sworn he was crying. It was a silent sob. Nothing overtly dramatic, kind of how like you’d expect a man who’s rarely cried to cry. It was unnerving. The only man you’ve ever seen cry was your dad and that was when he laughed to hard. This...this was gut wrenching.

This monster that was hellbent on killing you seconds ago was now a sad man huddled up in a corner like a child. You could never feel the pain he’s felt, relive the days of utter darkness and skewed rations. Never could you imagine the gritty taste of human flesh. The depravity one must have for themselves. The survivors guilt. The nightmares he must relive. He kept muttering something about the dark and the how he wasn’t a monster. How he just wanted to see the light again.

“It’s ok.”

You weren’t sure you could touch him so you just sat in front of him. He was still shaken up but the sound of your voice seemed to get through to him. “It’s ok and you’re safe. I’m here. I won’t go anywhere I’d you don’t want me to...” You could bare the cold for a night. You’d rather be frozen to death then brutally murdered.

Both of you sat there for what seemed like ages until he moved. You were on the edge of slumber before seeing a gloved hand slither towards yours. You wanted to move it. Make haste and dip but your body had become heavy. Your eyes seemingly weighed down by stones. Before you knew it he was oddly holding your hand. You saw him looking at you intently. Probably waiting for you to scream or pull away but you stayed put. One hand held up your head whilst the other was his to experience. It had probably been awhile since he’s been so vulnerable so you let him have this. It wasn’t like you had anything else to do tonight but sleep and pray that the hang over didn’t beat your ass in the morning. Before you could fall asleep he pulls you into a really awkward half ass embrace against the cold stained suit. It was far more comfortable than the back straining position you were in a second ago but man this guy was bad at ‘snuggling’. You felt like he was gonna smother you! When he found a comfortable position he rested that stupid ass mask on top of your head with a satisfied grunt before you gave up on protesting and fell asleep. How the hell were you gonna get home

When you wake there’s no cold embraces or odd masked men. Instead you find yourself wrapped in some dusty old quilt at the entrance of the mine. For a moment you think everything that occurred was a mere fever dream. A whiskey fueled hallucination. You scramble to your feet and notice a little note that had fallen from the tattered cloth. The paper, or what you hoped was paper and not dried human skin, had fairly neat handwriting. It was short and morbidly sweet.

Thank you.

There was a part of you that was absolutely mortified. The note solidified your suspicions of what had taken place last night. But the other part of you was strangely elated. You turn to the mine and put your hands to your mouth to amplify your words. “THANKS FOR NOT KILLING ME ILL MAKE IT UP TO YOU!!!!!!” You yell happily before heading back into town. You were pretty sure he didn’t hear you but it calmed you to know that he not only spared you but someone actually appreciated your presence.

This was definitely not your final encounter ⛏

#⛏

[apex-academy]

Chapter 5: Caring Is a Hazard to Your Health (#28)

Once our little break is over, everyone gathers to go to the gym.

Or actually, stop by the cafeteria first to grab a few supplies, and then to the gym. I end up getting volunteered to carry one of the little round tables. What kind of sports are we doing with these?

“...”

Moving on.

Kanagi has already made it to the top of the still-collapsed bleachers seconds after the rest of us step inside. She waves us down.

“You can set ‘em up wherever, dudes! We got three, right?”

“As far as I can tell.”

After a minute’s wandering, we set up the tables at vaguely regular intervals. Kanagi goes around giving them a kick—to make sure they don’t collapse, I guess??—but doesn’t pull up any chairs or anything else before returning to the bleachers.

“All right, dudes! We’re gonna kick this thing off with some arm wrestling!”

“Yaaaay!”

How are you excited? Your arms are freaking toothpicks.

“We’ve already determined our first matches! We’ll still go one at a time so we can all cheer each other on, but! If you’d like to wait at your tables!”

I don’t remember signing up for this. But three tables means two of us aren’t going, right?

...Betting Aidan’s one of them.

“Arright! At Table 1...”

“...whichever one that is...”

“...we’ve got Ich versus Yuks!”

“Okay...”

“Yay~”

The F-tier arm-wrestling league, I see. At least they’re trying to keep the first round fair. Ichiriki and Yuki head off for the closest table to get situated. Which is a sport of its own at at a low table too large to reach across easily, with no chairs.

“And then Table 2 isssss Kaich versus Kakumi!”

“Is it, now.”

“Nice.”

Kaichi heads for the table closest to the arbitrarily designated Table 1. I don’t have sufficient grounds to object, so I go over, too.

“And me and Iggy for Table 3!”

“Why is Kogamino the only one you don’t have to nickname?”

“Cuz she’s, like, kinda a butt about it.”

“And Mahavir isn’t?”

Well, whatever. Maybe she has trouble with foreign names. Or maybe she... just does whatever. I’m not here to try to figure her out.

“Oh... So Tsunyasha doesn’t get to play...?”

“A wise choice.” 

“Any of you sinners attempting to make physical contact with the Holy Assassin... Well, it would only serve to burn you terribly.”

“Like, actually I was hoping you’d help Aid set up the next game?”

“You think—”

“Cool, thanks, dude!”

“I—excuse me?”

Did Kanagi just win the random-off? Steep competition, too.

“All right!! We’ll begin with Table 1! Mister Tokino, Miss Kurokame, please prepare to face off!”

Yuki gives Ichiriki a very slow yet fairly shallow bow.

“I’m sorry... if I’m not very good competition.”

“That’s okay!! I have no idea what I’m doing!”

“Like... You do know how you’re supposed to stand ‘n’ stuff at least, right?”

“Nope!”

“Hummmm... I think it’s like this...?”

Wow, no idea why this duo wasn’t chosen for the climactic final battle.

With Kanagi’s intervention, they manage to get set up, though.

“And—Go!”

It either takes them a minute to respond to the command, or they just can’t exert enough force to make a visible difference. 

“Who am I supposed to root for again?”

“I usu’lly go with whoever’s winning.”

“Thanks.”

“Go go go go!”

“I’m trying...”

“This is fun!”

“It seems like an even match! Who will emerge victorious?”

I said no color commentary, but go off I guess.

It’s significantly more interesting to watch Tsunyasha bringing out tennis balls rather than the actual competition, but eventually we have a winner.

“Hahaha! I lost.”

“It was close, hummmm...”

“Nnnnnice.” I think she’s trying to wake up again. “Good job, Yuks!”

“Ohhh, is it Table 2′s turn now?!”

“Yup! You dudes ready?”

“ ‘S born ready, brah.”

“You do actually know what you’re supposed to be doing, right?”

“Oh, I never know what ‘m doing.”

He puts an elbow on the table and leans in. I stare for a minute.

“What, y’ bugging out ‘cause y’ get t’ hold a cute guy’s hand?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Gooooo, Kakumi!”

“Oh, right... we’re supposed to be cheering.”

“Um, go... everyone...?”

Weirdest sports day I’ve ever had.

I’ll get booed off the face of the planet if I don’t start soon, so I settle in and wait for Aidan’s countdown. Then the pressure is on. Literally. Kaichi may be a skinny guy, but what body mass he does have seems to be muscle.

I put in a passable effort, but it’s still over in a few more seconds. At least I offered enough resistance to keep my knuckles from getting crushed into the tabletop.

“Good game, brah.”

“Yeah...”

And once I’m out, I’m not paying attention to the rest. Guess I’m not a good spectator, but I don’t think any of us know who we’re supposed to be cheering for. It’s just weird to take sides for something like this. Or maybe it’s just me. I’ve never been that big on the whole sports scene. 

For some reason, Yuki versus Kaichi is next—two guesses who wins that one—and then Kanagi versus Mahavir. Whether Mahavir would have won in better condition or not I’ll never know, but Kanagi sweeps it. And Kaichi’s no competition for her.

Not much of a tournament, huh? Probably comes with the territory when only one person in the class got invited as a Super High School Level athlete. Then again, that may not be a foregone conclusion. I’m pretty sure it’d be even less of a competition if Otoya was here.

“.......”

I’m not sure what hit me just now. Probably grief? Doesn’t quite sting enough. Guilt? Maybe. ...Wistfulness? I don’t know. It’s still too hard to untangle the emotions. The best description I can put together is just a sort of dull throb in my head.

I... miss him, I guess. Odd thing to say about someone I barely ever saw, but. You don’t have to hang out all the time to be friends.

“W-we’re… fr-fr-friends, r-right?”

"......”

Before the fourth case, I hadn’t really had to deal with this kind of loss. Kazusuke? Not even close to friends. Mary Jane? Same. Kokoro? Probably close, but we just didn’t have time to get to know each other. Aidan... betrayed me, I guess? At least, that was the easiest way to think about it. And...

...he’s also alive now, so not a great time to be thinking about his loss.

But then Arthur, Itsurou... still pretty neutral. And if we’re talking about betrayals...

“...”

I can’t even feel bad about sending her to the chair. Even if it seemed like we were basically friends, it was all a lie. Maybe she did care for me, but she sure wasn’t the person I cared for. She acted like someone else had done her harm instead of her doing the harm herself.

I hate people playing the victim. It just makes it harder for real victims to...

“Yo, brah?”

I jolt and find myself in the gym. Good to know I didn’t wander out.

“What?”

“You’re playing, right? Even if ‘s not really teams, might ‘s well keep ‘m even, yeah?”

“Uh...” 

What are we doing now? Something with tennis balls that isn’t a team sport but vaguely is? That... What kind of inference can I make from that?

Is this what it’s like to be Kaichi? Horrifying.

“Uh, yeah, just give me a sec.”

“No prob.”

With that, I retie some laces that didn’t really need it and head to the side of the gym with fewer people lined up.

Let’s do whatever I signed up for now, I guess.

Beats thinking too much.

[BACK] [NEXT]

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 211: Jane, Stop This Crazy Thing

Previously on BnHA: The fifth and final joint training battle began with Team DekuRakaMinaTa VS Team MonoShinYanaYuiShou. (There’s probably a better way to combine those last five names. Maybe it’s time to retire this joke.) Anyways, All Might answered a phone call from Gran Torino and went to go chat with him about OFA, probably thinking to himself that surely he wouldn’t miss much in just the next five minutes or so! So while he was doing that, Shouda, Yanagi, and Kodai attacked Ochako, Mina, and Mineta with a bunch of huge flying objects. And Monoma confronted Deku and started taunting him, first trying to goad him into revealing his friends’ location, and then trying to bait him by snidely accusing his boyfriend of being the one who caused the demise of the Symbol of Peace. Fucking ouch. He almost baited me with that one tbh. Anyway, that really pissed Deku off, but because he’s a smart kid he still didn’t respond and instead went to blast Monoma with his air gun attack. Except that all of a sudden some weird fucking shit started happening and Deku’s right hand basically exploded with black lightning. Ah, well, you know. Just One for All things.

Today on BnHA: Flashback!Monoma (from like five minutes ago) bonds with Shinsou over having quirks that don’t necessarily make one think “hero!” at first glance. He asks Shinsou how he goaded Deku into opening his mouth back at the sports festival, and Shinsou says he insulted his classmates. Monoma is all “!” and we then cut back to the present, where Deku is all “NNNNNGHHHH” and scary black tendrils are lancing out from his arm every which way trying to either capture Monoma or flat out kill him (who can say). At first everyone is all “Midoriya fucking powered himself up again?” not realizing that for once it was unintentional and he has no control over it. Once Deku starts screaming at everyone to run away -- and the “new technique” starts ripping apart the entire fucking stage -- it kinda starts to sink in, though. All Might tells Aizawa they need to end the match, and meanwhile Ochako floats herself up and latches on to Deku and then calls out to Shinsou for help. Probably because she’s learned her lesson about waiting on the teachers to ever do anything, sob.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my mostly-unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’m caught up with the manga now at chapter 224, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

LOOOOOOOOL

so we’re opening chapter 211 in exactly the way that everyone was expecting! with a fucking Monoma flashback lmao

whoever was telling him that, they’re really fucking stupid by the way. Monoma legit has one of the best quirks in the game. all it means is he would work best on a team, that’s all

so he’s bonding with Shinsou (this is a flashback, obviously, so that first panel was a flashback-within-a-flashback) over them both having quirks that people looked down on

look at that, Shinsou. even fucking Monoma adopted you

oh my god hold up. do I ship it?? ...lol I’m not sure

lol well Shinsou is saying “that doesn’t make me happy” in response to Monoma declaring they were the same type. so now I know they can banter, and so the answer is yes, I do in fact ship it. this is not a thing I was expecting to happen in this arc. Shinsou I’ve gone from you being in the background every so often popping up to remind us you exist, to me having adopted you and shipping you with at least two people, one of whom is the kid who in the previous chapter was like “hey you know that thing that Bakugou secretly harbors horrible guilt over? let me just go and get in his boyfriend’s face and be all ‘yeah it totally was his fault.’” man. life sure is funny

and apparently this little weasel did it on Shinsou’s advice!

LMAO Monoma this is the role you were born to play. all you have to do to succeed is insult class 1-A omg. can you do it? it’s gonna be so fucking hard for you, so out of character. you’ll have to dig down deep

anyway so I’m not sure if this is Monoma or Shinsou monologuing here (though I’m leaning toward Monoma because he’s responsible for 8 out of 10 monologues in general when he’s around) (ETA: yeah it’s Monoma), but either way it’s an interesting speech

ahh, and now we’re back in the present!

ahhhhhhhhh

goddamn it Horikoshi. I have no idea whose thoughts these are. whatever, I’ll have to figure it out and come back to reanalyze it later

(ETA: so hey, now that we’ve caught up to this point, I finally have access to the Viz translations again! their translation makes a lot more sense, and makes it clear this is just a continuation of Monoma’s speech. here:

I appreciate the deeper look into Monoma’s psyche, but I don’t know if I buy into this argument that his quirk forces him to act unheroically. Shinsou’s quirk is a different story perhaps, but there’s nothing about the copy quirk that necessitates unscrupulous conduct in order to win the day. it just so happens that he is very good at goading others, and it only makes sense to use that to his advantage when he can. like, it’s a respectable strategy, if one that doesn’t necessarily win you a lot of friends. 

I for one don’t feel like he needs to justify himself; it’s a battle, and you gotta do what you gotta do to try and give yourself the edge, especially when you’re up against the fucking main character. but anyway, maybe he feels a little guilty deep down and has to rationalize it like this. or maybe he’s just trying to bond with Shinsou and be all “yeah I get you man, you don’t have a choice, it’s rough.” or maybe a little of column A and a little of column B, who knows. anyways.)

in the meantime, check out Monoma and Shinsou’s confused and slightly apprehensive expressions! “did Midoriya’s arm just fucking explode”

apologies to everyone reading this liveblog for getting myself spoiled btw. I probably robbed you guys of a delightful time of watching me freak the fuck out and thinking Deku had lost control of OFA again and was gonna blow his arm off or some fucking shit. but instead I’m just fucking excited because this little shrubbery of a boy is about to level the fuck up and he doesn’t even know it yet

you can see why alternate universe me would have been so concerned. it looks like he’s having a heart attack and being sucked into the void. it looks like Miroku’s kazaana from Inuyasha. oh my god

Monoma my respect for you just increased tenfold. look at you keeping your cool while not having the slightest fucking clue what’s going on

(ETA: actually this reminds me a lot of Katsuki facing the League of Villains and running his mouth at them and appearing confident but all the while having that one bead of sweat visible the entire time. Monoma has a lot more in common with him than he may think.

...in fact, I would totally read an AU where Monoma does more successfully in the cavalry battle and makes it into the tournament and consequently ends up drawing the League’s attention instead of Katsuki -- because he does do a very decent villain impression, this one -- and as a result he’s the one who gets taken. featuring a bonus rescue attempt led by Tetsutetsu and Kendou, and a Kamino arc that strangely enough ends up playing out very similarly to the one we actually got, in the end. anyways. it’s an interesting What If to think about.)

oh hey I just noticed the chapter title is “successor” and FUCK YEAHHHH are we gonna get the spoiler in this chapter? cuz then I can go back to not being spoiled again, so that’ll be nice

oh SHIT

“RUN” IS GOOD ADVICE MONOMA, I’D FUCKING LISTEN TO HIM?!

NOW IT REALLY LOOKS LIKE THE KAZAANA. except blasting black lightning shit out instead of sucking shit in

wow this is fucking amazing. I love the potential for future battles, given how powerful it seems to be and yet how he appears to have no fucking clue how to control it and so it consequently becomes a double-edged sword putting himself and his comrades at risk. it’s a lot like Eri’s power in that sense

also Deku is making some amazing faces in this chapter and I feel like we should be appreciative

Monoma is not doing a half-bad job of dodging this maniac who is trying to fucking kill him

jesus christ. maybe next time we don’t insult his boyfriend, Monoma

now he’s turning to call Shinsou and he looks pretty rattled tbh

but you know who doesn’t look rattled, like at all?

I burst out laughing in real life oh my god. they’re just like “...must be Tuesday”

I mean, this kid went from breaking all his bones to suddenly having super agility to being super strong without breaking his bones to using fucking wind attacks. they probably have no idea what his quirk is at this point and so they’re just assuming this is just another natural evolution

and the thing is, they’re not wrong

oh shit now Deku’s fucking flying toward Shinsou

have him brainwash you and command you to turn it off then!

also, I wasn’t sure with the previous chapter but now I am sure that they definitely do have sound (by “they” I mean the teachers and other students watching, that is), because they were able to follow all that stuff with Shinsou’s voice changer in the first match. so they can hear Deku saying that he doesn’t have control. so what I’m saying here is the teachers should definitely be calling this match off immediately

but will they? well, it’s U.A. so I think we all know the answer to that. it ain’t over till somebody croaks

jesus now we’re cutting to the scene from a distance and this shit is even crazier than I thought

TEACHERS ARE YOU GOING TO DO ANYTHING? NO? OKAY

TEACHERS, DEKU HAS LOST CONTROL OF HIS QUIRK AND IS SMASHING THE TRAINING STAGE APART AND TRYING TO KILL FRIEND AND FOE ALIKE. ARE YOU GOING TO PUT A STOP TO THIS FIGHT? NO? OKAY

ALL MIGHT, YOUR BELOVED PROTEGE AND ADOPTED SON IS FLYING AROUND UNCONTROLLABLY AND DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO STOP. ARE YOU GOING TO -- you know what. just, never mind

oh shit

ffff Aizawa looking at him like “what’s this now? ‘stop’?”

(ETA: Aizawa. Aizawa listen to me. I need you to look me in the eye and tell me honestly -- if All Might hadn’t said anything, would you have just fucking stood there until everyone fucking died? would you have done anything?? how much more of your problem child hupping all around the stage with this bucking bronco of a quirk screaming “STOP!! STOP!!” would you have calmly observed before it occurred to you to fucking do your job. tell me. be honest. listen, I love and respect you, dude, but sometimes you make me a little concerned.)

god I am loving this so much. this is not at all how I expected this last match to go

ahhhhhh noooooo

he’s scared! he says it hurts! oh shit I’m sorry Deku I didn’t know it was hurting you ah fuck

though that makes sense, because it’s blasting out of your right fucking arm, though, because it’s always that fucking arm, isn’t it. and whatever this new quirk is, it’s at 100% just like OFA was when you first activated it. and we all know that pretty much all quirks can do a lot of damage to the user if used at full capacity for too long

there’s another panel of Ochako staring in horror. there’s been a lot of those. is it just to show her concern, or is she planning something to help him (I have no idea what she could do though), or is she taking mental notes here and this means she’ll be hounding him with questions about his quirk after this and will eventually learn about OFA too?

(ETA: thankfully no one other than Shouto thinks to ask, and Shouto accepts the weakest of excuses without hesitation because this is the densest and most trusting group of kids to ever walk the earth. Deku your secret is safe for life. all he has to do is just shrug his shoulders every damn time. “fucking quirks, though. wild.”)

ahhh now we’re really getting into Deku’s POV and he’s freaking out bad flkajlkj

no baby no don’t cry it’ll be all right

fuck. he’s scared and he’s frustrated because everything was finally starting to go so well and he was finally getting the hang of things and on his way to being a reliable hero, and now this stupid fucking quirk is out of control again and it’s like nothing he ever experienced before, and it hurts and he has no idea what to do and he might hurt other people and fucking shit, someone help him!!

AHHHH

ONE FOR ALL YOU BETTER LISTEN TO HIM!!

is he crying blood??!

(ETA: sure looks like it. jesus Deku you’re dramatic as fuck.)

okay WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING

OH MY GOD

OCHAKO

girl when I said I had no idea what you could do to help him, that’s because I didn’t think you’d be crazy enough to fucking float yourself right at him when he’s losing it like this

goddamn that’s a ballsy fucking move though, shit

oh shit!

brainwash him and get control of him and then she can float him down to safety! yes!! do it!!

MY GIRL OCHAKO SAVING THE DAY AND MY BOY SHINSOU BEING BRAVE IN THE CLUTCH AND SAVING DEKU AS WELL AND HOPEFULLY GETTING INTO CLASS A FOR HIS EFFORTS. OH SHIT. THIS IS AMAZING. DOES THIS ARC HAVE HATERS?? I CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHY IT WOULD OH SHIT I FUCKING LOVE ALL OF THIS

Shinsou looks like a deer in fucking headlights by the way. like someone just caught him doing something super embarrassing. haha I love it

oh my god I’m gonna go read the next one

[anerbananers]

Listen, I don’t care

idc who you stan, who you hate, if you ship them or don’t whatever. You don’t have to ship them to understand this. I only appreciate them as rivals and this is hitting me in the face and making me FEEL things y’all. 

the writing of the scenes in episode 23 and just izuku and katsuki’s relationship in general is INCREDIBLY nuanced, complex, and well done! A lot of rivalries in shonen are shallow in comparison to this.

Remember this is targeted at young boys! It’s SUPER important to show them what an inferiority complex looks like, what imposter syndrome looks like. How someone can be a GOOD PERSON and still do BAD THINGS. How not to let people walk all over you. Both of these boys cry and you SEE their tears, feel their emotions. And the mentors in their lives are also there to guide them too. For young boys to see this, I think, is important. This isn’t JUST about jealousy. IJS, this is some grown shit. ADULTS IRL struggle with this. Like, Bakugou’s entire perception of Izu is warped by his insecurity. This shows how intentions and perceptions can be so WAY off. Why communication is important.

And what I love is that Horikoshi makes sure you KNOW the adults and teachers know they have a part to play in this. And it’s a theme of the story that the adults have created some hefty issues here and even if they didn’t start this, they have to take responsibility and properly guide these kids. Not just between these two boys, but in general, culturally. When you have a hero system that has emphasized might over rescue this whole time, it creates this kind of confusion! At this point in the story the hero franchise (b/c it’s a business really) is changing it’s model due to All Might’s retirement.

THAT’S WHY THE HEAVIEST HITTERS FAILED THE FREAKIN’ TEST.

Even the teachers were surprised by this change in approach. They hadn’t exactly prepped their students for this kind of thinking.

Honestly it’s a good change, but of COURSE it trips up kids like Bakugou who only emulated what he saw. Katuski, who you KNOW is smart enough to understand how the system works even as a preteen and study it to the letter. Look at it like this:

All Might saves people because he’s STRONG. He’s fast, he’s overwhelming and in PHYSICAL top shape. All Might has the ability to rescue because he wins first, because he knocks the villains out and then even if he has to flee the scene (because he’s on borrowed time), OTHER heroes can come to help civilians.  But the main thing is he can beat anyone, and that fact ALONE has deterred villains from even TRYING shit until now. His charisma is a bonus, but his incredible power kept shit locked tf DOWN this entire time.

A lot of heroes rescue just fine. But only All Might is able to have such a lasting heroic influence. And his strength and power is the key difference. He’s not just GOOD, he’s the BEST. He’s not just the BEST, he outpaces the #2 hero by leaps and bounds. His strength comes from his heart, ofc, and WE know that, but Bakugou has no way of knowing that. He doesn’t understand how OFA even works. 

The way Bakugou does this is brash, ofc, but he’s questioning what he believes. He’s asking WHY? He’s even asking Izuku because he doesn’t know who else, and tbh in all his anger still has to swallow a lot of pride to do so.

The guilt. Wow. The way that scene was done. *chef kiss* Sometimes when you’re a high achiever and do well in most things, nobody wonders if you need help or support or to get out of your own head. Nobody even thought that Bakugou was blaming himself because he gives off such a strong and assured aura. Which is crazy cuz for me I was like UMMM HELLO? CHECK ON HIM?? 

“I’m weak too, you know.”

SO IMPORTANT. Not only that Katsuki said that, but that he said it to two people I think everyone can agree he’d NEVER want to know this ideally. But he’s just at that point where his emotions are spilling over. He needs help. That’s how he’s asking for help. I was dying man. So beautiful seeing All Might embrace him and understand exactly what he needed to do. Fuck the secret. Explain so this child can be at peace on this! Too much to carry alone! For each and any one of them.

If you narrow Bakugou Katsuki and Izuku Midoriya down to “a bully and his victim” you are missing out.

this post is long because I got in my feelings. Just had to write a thesis paper. LOL. More under the cut! 

I was a victim of bullying. Many times in my life. I’m small, I’m intellectual, I was social and made friends easily but I also didn’t like cliques and some other girls didn’t like that I just hung out with EVERYONE. Some boys did the “i tease you because i like you thing”. Either way, I’ve reconciled with 2 of my bullies in the course of my life. I know a thing or two about how and why bullies do what they do. And this was when I was in elementary school, so I’m telling you also that when you’re super young it’s a bit...different in your mind as you get older. This isn’t to excuse Katsuki’s actions, so let me stop you. But there is a very key difference in behavior between a typical bully and what happened with these two boys.

10/10 times, I was steering clear of my bullies. Even the ones within my friend groups that would start to do the mean girl kinda bullshit. I’d keep interaction with them to a minimum. Even when I wanted to be pretty and cool like them, I was meek and fearful in the way I interacted with them. I’d engage the other girls first and keep my head down. My bullies would approach or interact with ME, clearly seeking to gas themselves up by putting me down or bothering me. I mean, I’m sure others have experiences more similar to our boys here so maybe I’m full of shit, but the complexity with Izu and Kat is that Izuku kept approaching Bakugou with a smile and a laugh, no matter what Bakugo did. This does happen in actual abusive relationships, but for kids and not adults, and I think some folks aren’t seeing the difference. This isn’t like, weird gaslighting and manipulation. Bakugou doesn’t act like a bitch and then turn around and be all sweet on Deku to keep him closeby. Bakugou legitimately wanted Deku to go away, and when he doesn’t Bakugou, in his wild paranoia is like “what does this MEAN???” He attached a meaning to it that was completey WRONG of course, because that’s how anxiety and insecurity work. Now Izuku being the natural beautiful bean boy that is perfect for heroism, is right to do this. He somehow, even so young, could understand that sometimes people need to be saved from themselves. I’m so positive of this. And that ability frightened bakugou so much. In his eyes, he’s being tormented by this kid who sees RIGHT through him and won’t go away. Izuku represents his fear in living breathing form. Every time he sees him, it’s like an irrational reaction. In Bakugou’s eyes Izu might as well have been walking around yelling “KACCHAN IS AFRAID!!!” In his desperation not to be exposed for the insecure and fearful child he should’ve been taught is okay to be, Bakugou decides to be the absolute worst in hopes that Deku leaves him alone. As he’s doing this though, he’s getting positive reinforcement from those around him, which just solidifies this personality trait as a good thing. It’s just a mess!

Again, not condoning, I’m always just amazed at the nuances here. Bakugou was and in some ways still IS a bully (at this point in the anime at least. but in the manga currently i wouldn’t call him this anymore. grumpy? rude? yes. but honestly harmless. the class cares for him and he and izu are civil now)  but also it was Deku’s choice to stick with him. He saw that Bakugou could be better and didn’t give up on him. THAT is a hero. And I think everyone is unanimous on that, and that’s why it bother’s me that people are so divided on Bakugou. I trust Izu’s judgement tbh, more than All Might’s. And both of them, Aizawa too, see that Katsuki can be better, and that he’s TRYING. and that he is willing to change because he legit WANTS to be someone All Might would choose. He’s asking Deku so many questions not just because he’s confused, but because he wants to know so he can do what HE needs to do to match up and make his idol proud.

People love a work in progress. I love how the top dog in a lot of ways is the underdog here. I love that Deku GETS it. That to others he may seem crazy. Who chases after their bully? Who admires someone who said disgusting and hurtful things to them? It’s not stockholm lol. There’s a lot to unpack there but I’m telling you, this is some real shit. It’s well written af! Heroism isn’t about being perfect and wonderful and kind all the time. All Might thinks Bakugou is an earnest kid who can be an excellent hero and just needs some work! Who doesn’t? You do! I do! You are not perfect either. A lot of fans of the series see that patience and they support not just our bright and shining Izu, but also the glowering and loud Katsuki who is growing mentally right now. I think it’s fine if his behaviour just makes you so uncomfortable and brings up bad memories. You can absolutely dislike him, it’s not for everybody! But hopefully you can objectively see why they WILL team up and be a team and the story is supporting that growth. I hope you are not disgusted by it or think it’s lazy writing just because it’s not your cup. Let these kids develop and grow and change! Step out of trope and archetype city and just feel this story arc for the realistic mirror of human nature that it is. Either way it’s a fabulous ride!

[polyamorouspunk]

(I feel like I had an emoji for my anons but for the life of me I can't remember them and scrolling/searching your blog turned up nothing so I'm just gonna assume it was 🌠?? Since that's in my recent emojis.)

Anyways confession time cuz I need to get this off my chest. I've been having a lot of bpd fits as of late and it's been making my relationships difficult, or rather one of my relationships since my bpd decided to turn one of my partners into a fave person.

He's not the best at understanding mental health, he hardly understands anxiety and depression and you'd think those are the easiest to understand since they're so common. He tries to still be there for people even though he just doesn't get it, but it makes it really hard for me to explain my bpd attacks that end up with me making stupid mistakes.

I've certainly gotten better with my bpd, but I still lash out sometimes, I still accuse and gaslight without even realizing it. It takes a couple seconds after I've said the stupid thing for me to realize what I did, and I try really hard to apologize and make up for it and be better in the future, but I wish it was easier to explain that God I don't do this on purpose.

Cuz Ig if you don't deal with intrusive thoughts and panic attacks and crap like that in any capacity you just can't see how that's done on accident. He asked if I found it fun to do that stuff and I just broke, like... No, I don't. I really truly don't. I wish I was able to handle these feelings more effectively and not hurt him. He's never done anything wrong, just bc he doesn't understand what my brain is like to have doesn't mean he's treating me like shit.

...honestly, the fact that he's still with me, still planning on living with me, still loving me, still actively wanting me around proves that he still cares deeply for me even though I can't control my anger sometimes.

I just wish my bpd, my trauma, didn't affect our relationship so much. I'm grateful for his patience with me but God damn I wish I was less volatile.

Someday I'll get therapy. I want it really bad. This country sucks with making it easy to get but I want it someday.

I hope your life is going well btw Punk, your blog makes me really happy in the punkiest polyamorousiest way. Thanks for running it and talking with us followers, you're genuinely a really cool guy -🌠

GRAPHIC TW

Oh my god anon I’m so sorry to hear that. I’ve been open about my struggles with what I now know as bpd in the past. I totally get the “I just acted that way and I couldn’t control it”. I reached the point of being physically abusive to my partners and it was awful. Sometimes it got so bad I would just dissociate and feel like I was trapped inside myself unable to control my reactions.

My bpd has been acting up again since the little accident I got into yesterday, feeling like “I made a mistake so obviously I need to go home and kill myself” (not really but like simple mistake = suicidal ideation over them).

Someone once asked me how my bpd worked and I was like I over react and feel way too much at everything. Yesterday as I was going through all of this my brain was like “best way to describe to someone how my bpd works? I got lost once and I had suicidal ideation over it for 2 months after.”

I just had some bad dreams of being super jealous and being hurt and blah blah blah and i can feel my chest hurting and my brain is just telling me all the bad things you know? And my coping mechanism mentally is literally just picturing graphic self harm, which I’ve been on a kick of since my accident because of all the feelings.

Like god having bpd is so bizarre how do I explain to someone I gently rear ended someone by mistake yesterday and I’m dealing with it by imagining torturing myself and self mutilation.

I’m feeling that “I want to lash out because I’m hurting so much”, the “I wanna start shit because I don’t feel well”, the guilt-tripping, the manipulation, all of it. It’s so fucking hard knowing you’re a shitty fucking person who hurts people, and then when they stick around? And they still want to be with you? Sometimes you wish they would just leave because that’s what you deserve: if you’re going to hurt people you deserve to be alone and miserable and you deserve the pain. And when they stay you just feel so, so guilty. Screaming crying why am I such an awful person why can’t I just be normal why can’t I just love someone without ruining it. Yeah I feel that anon I’m so sorry.

[novelconcepts]

The Last Jedi was far from a perfect movie; the pacing was questionable, and a lot of it just didn't line up with TFA. That said, I actually really enjoyed it for what it is. My highlights under the cut:

REY!:

Literally everything about Rey. I love her Jedi training costume, I love her being dressed in gray shades, I love her boots. I love her training on her own when Luke refuses. I love the fact that she's still using her staff, and I love that she isn't afraid of the lightsaber--but that she doesn't hold it like most Jedi. She holds it like a girl who's learned to fight with a staff first. I love it. 

Rey's Murder Face (™). I love that she is so consistently brutal, that she's all gritted teeth and furious stalk. The grace in her fight scenes is nothing like what we’ve come to expect from a lightsaber; it’s what you’d expect from a cornered tiger. I fucking adore that she has a totally different fighting style

Really, this whole breakdown could be (and is) a love letter to Rey. Rey is my Absolute Fave, and while I spent a lot of the first watch-through nervous for what they'd do with her, it all played out well in the end.

Rey coming at Kylo Ren with so much malice. Rey, even so, trying to see both sides of a miserable story. Rey pulling a whole-ass Luke Skywalker in her "there is still good in him, I sense it, I can help him back"--and Rey, faced with a power-hungry boy who does not want to be saved, who only wants to burn the world down, slamming the door in his face.  

Because, see, this is what I wanted. No romance, none of that "she can save him and erase his terrible decisions" narrative, but a compassionate Rey--a Rey who, like Finn, did not grow up with friendship or love or family in her life, and still craves these things, and still gives these things freely. A Rey who could have grown up into a shuttered, broken human being, and chooses forgiveness first. Chooses the benefit of the doubt. Chooses faith in the best possible option...

...but is not so naive as to think she ought to stick around for a man who slaps down her offer for help. Rey sees his classic abuse tactics--telling her she is nobody, that nobody cares except for him--and walks away, and when he tries to get at her again, she closes that door tight. Rey is a compassionate soul...but it is not her job to save a man who does not want to be better. This is exactly what I would have hoped for her character.

Also, how much do I love that she sees Finn with Rose and does not narrow her eyes in anger, does not seem to view Rose as a threat. Her body language is soft. She is, despite all the gray space in her, soft. 

Poe!:

His jacket. I want Poe's new jacket so bad. 

Poe being a hotheaded idiot. Switching off the comms to keep doing what he perceives to be the right thing? SUCH a Leia move! How could she even be pissed? 

(Because she's got so many of those moves under her belt, and she knows better these days, that's why. Leia don't take no shit. Not from Poe. Not from the Void of Space. Not from nobody.)

Poe learning how to be a hero. Learning that heroes are not all sassing the bad guys and blowing shit up. Learning that your X-Wing is super cool, dude, but maybe the true measure of a hero--and a leader--is knowing how to sit back and listen and make the hard choices with no glory whatsoever. 

Luke!:

Speaking of taking no shit: Luke "Theater Is My Middle Name" Skywalker, looking at that lightsaber and just pitching it over his shoulder. Luke "Drama School Has Nothing On Me” Skywalker just going about his old-ass business of fishing and farming and leaping around this island like Rey isn't there. 

Luke, who admittedly had two less-than-stellar teachers, and manages to hold-my-beer them both. Luke. How do you manage these things, you beautiful grumpy bastard.

Luke's sassy half-assed attempts at teaching. Rey's Fight-Club determination. They are so perfectly matched for each other. I'm sorry we never got him leaping onto her back and forcing her to climb vines, but I guess you can't have everything.

Rey's Murder-Sunshine butting up against Luke's Former Innocence-Turned-Grizzled Guilt is just so...satisfying to me somehow. I know Mark Hamill wasn't thrilled with the road these movies put Luke on, but frankly, it works for me.

Also soft: Luke interacting with his sister after so long, after so much guilt and shame and running away. Luke and Leia, a bond stronger than all the distance in the galaxy. I loved that little moment between them.

As much as I loved Luke's entire third-act charade. His outfit, his not even bothering with the illusion of his green lightsaber--and why would he? Ben Solo saw that saber as a murder weapon--his perfect hair. His little wink, his sassy one-liners, his whole demeanor. I don't love losing Luke, but I do think the way he went out was clean. It was Ben Kenobi. It was Yoda. It was Classic Jedi of the highest order.

(And Yoda was a great little touch. I wasn't...a hundred percent sure about the puppet they used, but it was worlds better than the prequels!Yoda. And I always enjoy him sassily smacking Luke upside the head. Never gets old.)

Leia!:

I don’t have a ton to say about Leia--not because I didn’t love her, but because seeing her onscreen, larger than life and so, so wonderful, hurt my heart. Knowing that the finale was going to belong to Leia, knowing that she was going to have the light shining on her in the end, carves out such a loss. Leia was the first powerful woman I got to see on-screen. Carrie was incredible. I was so glad to see her in this movie, and I am so terribly sad we will not be seeing her again.

But: Force-user Leia? So here for it. So fucking here for it. Anti-mutiny Leia? So here for it. Leia telling Poe to get his head out of his ass? Give me more. 

And we’re all in agreement that she had a thing with Holdo, right? Right? ‘Cuz. Yes. 

(I also really loved Holdo, and I wish we could have seen more of her. Laura Dern is always a delight.)

Finn!:

Finn still trying to run away--but for a totally selfless reason this time. Finn waking up and thinking of literally nothing but Rey for the longest time. Finn, who has only just figured out what friendship and family and love are, and is holding on for dear life. 

In related news: how much do I love that every major character who runs across Finn—Poe, Rey, Rose--immediately wants to protect him with everything they have. This kid who was stolen from his family and brainwashed into Stormtrooper life is so loved by everyone he meets. My heart.

Finn and Phasma! Lowkey showdown of the movie. Him being so goddamn proud of being Rebel Scum after all the running of TFA is just so perfect.

Rose!:

Rose fits in so beautifully with the new kids. She's so clever, and has such a big heart. Her not even hesitating to hand over the last piece of her sister if it meant saving everyone. I mean. Really. Rose, you are a glorious delight. 

Not to mention the tongue-tied good cheer followed immediately by tazing the hero you were just so excited to meet. Talk about mood.

Domhnall Gleeson:

Not Hux; I don't particularly care for Hux in all his one-dimensional glory, although I do love how not-having-it he was about Kylo Ren announcing himself the new leader of the First Order. That moment where he's 100% ready to shoot him? Glorious. But other than that, I just love the way Domhnall carries the character. He manages to be so different than I expect.  

Honorable mention to that classic banter with Poe over the speaker system. Simple comedy is perfection sometimes.

Misc thoughts:

An unpopular opinion, I'm sure: I like that Snoke was taken out. I like that Kylo Ren rose to hold the mantle of Worst Dude in the Galaxy. I like that we got a character who, like Vader, was a boy to whom Bad Things Happened--and who decided to respond in the worst possible way.  

To me, everything about this movie was rooted in choice, in the power of choosing your path. Rey chooses to look into the dark, but still lean light. Finn and Poe choose to risk everything for the chance to save the Resistance. Rose chooses to give up her last tie to her sister for a cause she believes in. And Kylo? Kylo chooses to forsake Ben Solo. Kylo chooses the path of murder. The path of absolute darkness. Kylo looks redemption full in the face and raises his middle finger at it. He chooses not to be Anakin Skywalker--who overthrew his master to save his son--but to be his own man. Which is not to say he is a good man. He actively chooses not to be a good man. It makes him a very human villain. There is no universe in which a unilaterally evil character is more interesting than one with layers.

I like that this movie recognizes that moral grayscale is where the world exists. The Jedi failed because they pretended they were above human darkness. Rey represents genuine balance. I appreciate this about her. I appreciate that they let her do exactly what Luke did in Empire: go into the cave. Face your darkness. But, unlike Luke, Rey hasn't learned to fear her darkness. She simply uses it like a tool, and sets it back on the shelf until it's needed  again. She does not shy from a fight, but she does not recklessly murder, either. She is the middle ground.

Another possibly unpopular opinion: I like the idea that Rey comes from no special legacy. Now, it's very true that Kylo may have been lying to her about this, trying to coax her to his side; his playbook is full of abusive tactics, and this is a classic one. Personally, I like the idea that the Force was so desperate for finally achieving balance after all those ridiculous Skywalkers failed in the journey, and just went, "Fuck it. I'm making my own." Rey: Daughter of the Fed-Up Force.

That said, if he was telling the truth, and she did come from people who truly are not part  of the bigger story, people who really do not care about her...doesn't that make Rey being a strong, self-sufficient, incredibly big-hearted human so much more impressive? Rey did not come from parents who loved her, like Ben Solo did. She did not grow up with a Jedi Master uncle believing in her. She did not come from a long line of power and legacy. Rey was self-taught in every way. Rey was alone. Rey made dolls and scrounged helmets and learned to be a whole person all by herself. She's an excellent example of how you do not need a bloodline or a legacy to be an interesting, powerful person.

Chewie with the Porgs. Okay, listen. Listen. I know they're everywhere right now. I knoweveryone burned out on Porgs. But look: Chewbacca in the aftermath of his lifelong best friend dying, adopting these little bird creatures like a widower adopting a therapy animal to offset his grief? I am not made of stone, people.

[freshfromthegraveyard]

Bullying.

Super random.

As a kid who was bullied less by other students and more so by teachers.

I was bullied for my brain not matching my exterior. Being an embassy brat, when I came to the US for school I often was and still act like a foreigner in my own country. But I am a blonde white girl. So this was never well received. Not grasping certain things was seen as an act, or attention seeking. If I had the nerve to correct a teacher on something about a country I lived in. I was shot down in a publicly humiliating manor to ensure I knew my place. If I looked like someone from that country I gurantee they would have actually opened up the floor for me to discuss my homeland.

When I did start gaining weight due to an emotional trigger. I did still for some reason always maintain confidence in other areas. Like I knew I was getting chubby and fatter. But was like meh, whatever I'm still smart, funny and can draw. Heck I'm still a beast in PE. Running sucks but I can still do other shit. So I wasn't always picked last. I still had friends. If my weight was mocked I kind of got it and was like yah I did get fat but I can loose it. I was always active so it was never hard to lose a lil chub. Sadly I did go way past chub into super fat town and man losing that shit was hard and daunting. Still was the same me no matter what school I went to. Still made friends.

The only people I got super offended by when they made fun of my weight was the teachers. Because again, your an Adult picking on a kid. That is a low blow a cheap shot. Remarkably my bad grades have nothing to do with being fat. I don't go home and be like oh donuts well no time for school work. I will always have a learning disability, and a massive sleep disorder. Meds do help. I hate being one of THOSE people who fall under the excuses department but it is like night and day. It is not as simple as stfu and pay attention. I even got mad at myself thinking I was dumb because of this. Like yup, those honors classes you take now are just because of the meds. Your actually an idiot. Why do you take those AND a special class, why do you still take your tests in the library or have to read in total silence? Your dumb that's why! So I went off my meds to prove a point. The point wound up being my grades dropped and everything was so much more of a struggle. The stress was awful. It was the stupidest thing I could have done to myself. But just in case other generations feel that learning disabilities are cop outs. Please know. They aren't. Infact some people get tested for adult learning disabilities and it changes their lives.

Anyway, on back to bullying.

At one school, when I was first gaining the weight. I still had friends. I was still given the frog eye because of my white girl forgienerism, thankfully at that time I was in a private school and the teachers did not bully me about it because new flash private schools get military brats. Though I always had to write papers on countries I hadn't been to. Good call actually.

But here is the kicker. Though my bullying did not really start until public schools. Again I cannot stress enough that what was done by teachers was far more damaging then anything some kid could say.

I did, possibly unlike some bullied.

I always noticed who else was bullied.

I'm an odd lil bird in that, while I could be entirely self absorbed and be all about me. I remember who and why other kids for bullied.

I bet most people will think since I got bullied for being plump I only root for body positivity of the plump sort. You couldn't be more wrong.

The ONE person who had it the worst at the private school, was a tall lanky girl. She wanted the same thing all us girls wanted. To be like the cool girls at the time. She was thin due to her incredible metabolism, and her height, she was shy, and due to being made stand out, only getting shier. She was one of the first people I remember talking on my first day of school other then Rosemary a girl who just was genuinely cute and nice. I've yet to meet a Rosemary who wasn't. I get a whisper from a fellow student not to talk to this thin girl too much. I'm like.....why? Their like, well she's just kind of strange. I'm like, I'm new, so logically I'm gonna be the resident strange kid for a while. But how is she strange exactly. She just seems quite. Their like exactly. I'm like, 11 and confused af. I'm like, wait why is being quite weird in a bad way? Before I could spit most of that out the teacher agree on my suggestion of being quite. Being a embassy brat, I had NO probably striking up new convos with perfect strangers. Ie kids at a school I just met. Before the hell that was HS. I was anything BUT shy. When you move around a lot you need to make friends fast. That and I was born not giving a shit and thinking I was the shit. Before the weight gain I assure you I was cute as hell with attitude to spare. So I was not entirely wrong.

I didn't let this why is silent bad thing go. I still talked to this mysterious thin girl. I sat with her at lunch. Prior to that I kept asking why her just being quite was bad. They said it just made them uncomfortable. I did ask the obvious of did it ever occur to you guys that you treating her weird makes her silent. Their like no she came that way. I couldn't argue because a lot of these kids did know eachother since kindergarten so ya know. They maybe right even if it is wrong. In case you have not guessed. Being raised an only kid, overseas you have bennies of being treated like an adult and being more logical then a kid the same age. Hence why I sound more adult in this story cuz I always was even if I still enjoyed childish endeavors *Like I still do*

Here is the heart breaker. The thin girl at lunch enjoyed my company. I made her laugh a lot that day and got her talking *novel concept when you reach out to someone* at the end of lunch though. She said, this was nice but ya know you shouldn't really hang around me the other kids will black ball you. I'm like yeah, I don't care. She's like no, you should. I appreciate it, but another group has tried and the other kids make life hard on them. I'm like well I extra don't care. I said your kind of in luck. I don't stay at schools very long so by the time they do that to me I will probably be moving. Plus being the new kid I will be resident weirdo for a while. I can play dumb for a long time and befriend the black balled.

I told her which, I don't get why. I said, being shy is the last reason someone should be pushed aside. Granted it took me a few times to get you to talk BUT I gotcha damnit *swearing in Catholic school woot* *at a whisper less woot*

So I made friends, with the very group she spoke of who had made efforts to friend her. I also was friends with other groups. Including 2 class clowns, 2 twin black girls who too me for forever to realize they were twins. I had one jerk kid who ironically was a pretty chubby dude to be so judgy about me being a chubby chick. But I still was friends with thin girl be damned. Needed a book shared in class and no one would share with her. ME! And don't be fooled our one class clown never had a homework buddy because surprise ppl thought he couldn't be serious. ME! I think the funniest thing that happened at that school was rainy day recess where class was divided up for games. Started up with normal dictionary teams. Then Okay Megan is really good at this, let's pair her with the one person who isn't. Okay still really good at this both drawing and guessing. Let's make the team's be class vs Megan. It's only fair. Sorry it still amuses me. My one glory day.

Back to bullying.

Though at the private school, bullying was far minimal. and kids really had to be imaginative. Since we all wore uniforms. Kids had to be like, well they make us laugh, but he's probably not serious about his hw. Woo. Wow. Lame. She's too quite. So lame. She's too smart. All of these are so damn lame. And let's face it none are bad qualities. Sorry the kid finds hw boring and is a quick whit. You actually have to be smart to be fast in humor. She's quite. So she's reserved and actually nice if you reach out. Your only too smart if you can't use your book sense.

Now, public school. Girl was made fun of for being too thin, having the nerve to go through puberty *ie acne* and also was very shy, if not stand offish, not dressing nice enough. If anything, id say she tried to look her worst regardless of what students said. I could go on about warning signs this child had. My mom caught them instantly. Did the school? NO

Turns out she was being molested by her stepdad. Like, srsly. My mom met her once and got it. Oy. So sad. I have a lot of guilt for not being able to communicate better with her though.

Anyway, another girl, got made fun of for having big boobs which she hated especially during PE. I don't blame her.

Yet another girl made fun of for being too thin. She was petite and had all brothers. So she was small and mean.

Another girl was shaped more like a guy and strong. She excelled in some PE sports but still made fun of.

Guys, same deal. If they had curly hair that's a pain to style. Chubby but not good at sports. And idky other kids care if you are good at grades or not? Like, we all have the same hw if you can spell congrats. Some ppl have dyslexia so ya know kindly fuck off.

Why does a grade make you popular or not?

It's odd to me. It's like, you need to get good grades but not TOO GOOD cuz then your too smart and it's also weird. Public school bullying. Lawd have mercy. Talk about a new level of awful.

Again, I was attacked publically by teachers. Who decided I was infact fat and stupid and somehow cheating at art?

I had art taken away from me as it was a distraction. Since I was bad at reading out loud all of my work was to be delivered in this fashion. I corrected a teacher on some foreign affairs, as he got locations, pronunciation, law, and well just a fucking lot wrong about a country I lived in for so long. I held myself back on so much but it was like he was getting everything confused with an entirely different country. For one thing he was still mentioning a city by it's old name. Like omg update

your book man!!! When I finally sad something he blew a stack and made sure everyone in the class was aware of how fat and ignorant I was.

When I told my parents. Boy did they come undone. At the parent teacher conference this same teacher said "if Megan would put down the donuts and study this wouldn't be an issue" yah my dad pinned him to a wall by his neck. Mind you this was after he had already

Made repeated digs at me, my family, and pretty much anything we could stand for. My parents also made the argument that if a student was a concert pianist or a ballet dancer. Would they take away their craft? No. So why take away my art? Both piano and ballet are considered art. Needless to say this battle of the teachers vs parents and all the horrible things they said and did was not over. Two shrinks were involved, and the state was called in. Their shrink and our shrink. The shrinks wound up agreeing and asked the state to come in for a learning disability test. Hence me first getting diagnosed. The shrinks also needed the teachers to understand something. They brought my mom in, since the one teacher now feared my father *not that my mom couldn't take him* the teachers sat down, the shrinks showed them pics of me thin and active and the dates. They show me chubby then thin again due to being an active kid. They then ask when my recent weight gain started. My mom didn't even hesitate she just took off her wig from cancer to reveal her bald head and said about when this happened. She said she was studying to finalize some culinary school work at a local college. She said she knows her daughter felt food was an emotional way to be close to her. My shrink said. Sometimes fat is better then too thin. You can lose fat. You can't undo the damages of too thin if bulimia sets in.

So you'd think the teachers would back off. Ha. No. That one male teacher persisted that everyone has problems and I needed to suck it up. I was now all of 12. He loved making fun of me. I also noticed, though I was his favorite to pick on. I was not alone. He hated anyone who could not read out loud flawlessly. He hated anyone who was not athletic and bragged about his triathlons to this day I get an eye tick around the word. Friend of mine was a solid A student. Read flawlessly outloud. But guess what she had some small kid pudge on her. The second her history teacher went into his class. There goes her straight As. She got a B- in his class. Never on tests with multiple choice, just written work and general performance. Ya know subjective stuff. Not shady at all. Mom got wind and had enough. She sat in his class one day. In my friends class no less. Not mine on purpose. She sat their and made fun of him the way he did us. She's like hey kids, I know this guy makes fun of all the students. Let's make fun of him the same way. Isn't he kind of short? Like really short. I met his wife, he must use a step ladder to kiss her. He's also bald. Notice how he only keeps pictures of himself in tight triathlon clothes or old pics with long hair. Think he's compensating for something?? Who keeps pics of themselves on their desk!?! My husband has his family. Self centered much?

And what's with those triathlons anyway?

We notice you hate fatties. Were you a fatty? Do you run from calories? Did a fatty break your heart? What is it? Why do you hate them So? She's like, actually, it doesn't matter. Whatever your problem is it should not be taken out on children. My mom continued. She's like, ya know why he picks on you kids. One your the only people smaller then him. Two he is to cowardly to stand up to other adults. My husband pinned him against a wall and his eyes nearly popped out of his head from terror. Yeah. All talk this little fart. He obviously was livid talking over her saying she can't do this, he's calling the cops for trespassing.

Apparently when she opened the room up to the kids to pick at him they had a bunch of weird shit they noticed he does. One kid said he's just jealous because everyone likes his wife as a teacher better. That's why he made her stay home with the kids or keep having a kid. She's like everyone liked her? Whole room was like best teacher award every year!

Lol this dude didn't speak for days he was just fuming. It got better when, guess what my mom met his wife and put on her best cute, sweet innocent lady routine. I remember walking to our truck, douche teacher behind me. *cuz of course I had to stay after in his class for some kind of punishment*

His wife was all smiles at my mom, looked over at him with such a look. My mom had an evil smile looking at him like. Checkmate mother fucker. I sat in the truck, waiting for her. Dressed daper. Smiling. She sets behind the wheel, we drive off. She's like well we tried the proper channels first. He made me play dirty but I assure you the war is over.

So, turns out, his wife was a loved teacher BECAUSE she had a lot of patience for her students and taught both standard and kids with learning disabilities. So to say she was understanding is an understatement. I mean, my mom didn't know this when speaking to her. It was actually a whim, when she saw her while waiting to pick me up and just got to talking.

Anyway, the point of this INSANELY long post.

Is as a kid that was not so much bullied by peers as much as by teachers. I also was not always bullied about my weight as much as just being considered an attention seeking liar THEN my intelligence and weight was thrown in for extra damage.

It is true, the book by its cover. I am still a foreigner in a American white girl body. I still have some wires crossed. I still don't know all customs or referrences. My spelling is bad. My accent isnt. Family was 2 people. My perspective is Global. Africa, Asia, an American Farm is my background.

Bullying, just cuz I got fat. Doesn't mean I didn't see the people who got made fun of for being too thin. Before I stopped struggling in school. I noticed kids got bullied for their grades. As if the school and parents are not going to add enough pressure. If you have a talent that is not a sport or a musical instrument. You are not of value. Which is funny in a society that worships actors and models. All of whom rarely look a thin like they look like now in school.

There have been a lot of school shootings over the years. I remember when Columbine happened.

Remember early on in my status of the thin girl? Regardless of people telling me again and again that I would be some social pyria for being nice to her. I still did it. Over and over. I did more to make myself look stupid then she ever could have. Nothing ever happened to me because of her. Even if it had. I wouldn't have cared. Because I had a friend in her. We would at least be weirdos together was my logic.

If you make the effort. More then once. Because some shells are really hard to crack. Because some people have been hurt a lot. At least you tried. In COLLEGE none the less. My roommate and I met quite possibly the most socially awkward creature alive. We tried repeatedly to make friends or at least make peace with this creature. To no damn ivale. Senior yr this person asked me why no one likes them. I told them that wasn't fair because we all have made efforts to involve them in groups, shinnangans, hang out, we even through JUST them a birthday party. We have all made the effort. It's a two way street. I said basically you want friends like robots. You want us to turn on when you want us and power down in an instant when you are done with us and offer nothing in return. You also cannot be rude to ppl and expect forgiveness when there is really no foundation or trust built. We can say honest things because we know that friend is a friend and is sincere and cares for our best interest. You tend to think blurting out something offensive saying no offensive it's just my opinion and smiling is some how okay. It's just awkward.

So in that particular occassion. 4 years. My friend and I, as well as others. Genuinely tried to make friends or something with this person. Some people just want or view friendship differently. They may find a perfect fit later who is not you. But DAMNIT you tried. With bullying I just want people to reach out.

And if you see someone IN THE PROCESS of being bullied. Get off your ass and intervene.

Believe it or not, confusion is a great tactic.

Say 3 ppl are picking on a kid at lunch in your school. You could approach and interupt. You do not have to get personal. If they pick on you next. Point that out. Like what tools they are that that is all they can do. Bring friends over to help break it up. Honestly when I say confusion is a great weapon I mean it. Make up gibberish and start talking like that. Speak another language the bullies won't know. Anything that will just frustrate them and make them leave. Essentially your goal is to not engage with them, be as annoying as possible and make them leave. Another strategy is to be as agreeable as possible, so sickeningly friendly that they also lose their momentum. Gauge your situation, the energy and see which would work best. They sound absurd but diffusing a situation is far better.

The key is, don't sit by and let someone suffer.

Don't join in. Also guess what. As juicey and fun as gossip seems especially in school. Guess what, it's usually lies and incredibly harmful. If you partake you are an accessory to bullying. Shocking I know.

Learning how stop gossip in it's tracks when you are young is a great life lesson.

Sadly you will run into gossip at all stages of life. So stopping it, ...as best you can. When your young. Can safe a life!

The thing about gossip. If people don't have good dirt on someone, they will make shit up. Movies like Mean Girls and Easy A point this out. I've heard gossip about myself or friends and some is almost laughable how ridiculous it is. But going up to someone and being like hey is it true this that or the other. Or treating them different all of a sudden. As if we also don't hear the whispers.

Gossip is just a form of bullying. So think about it as being an accessory to a crime. It is equally as serious. Like a crime, you have the power to stop it.

So many people talk of the mass shootings, what about the kids who are as young as 8 taking their own lives due to bullying.

I really cannot stress enough, to please, if you see someone being bullied. Help that victim in the moment. Step in, bring back up. Be confusing. Be nice. Be whatever it takes to save a life or lives.

Also it is clear the bullying is caused from something. Usually bullies are being bullied themselves or have some sort of problem.

I remember reading one story of a bully who came unhinged over the smallest thing. Would lie in wait and actually burned another child with scalding hot water. Now that story was a case for mental illness. Which brings me to a situation. If a person is a bully and being bullied by someone else. Like another sibling, a parent, or so forth. That is rough because really not everyone can afford counseling which is what that would require. Next if someone is displaying violence due to a mental illness that too would require counseling, psychiatric and possibly medication down the road. All expensive.

It's not fair that mental healthcare of any kind is a luxury. When no one chooses to have mental health issues. Most insurance companies only allow so many visits. Not nearly enough to scratch the surface of a garden much less the human mind. Plus if medication was involved, that is such an arguous process. Any mental health medication is a huge battle of trial and error and all medications take a while to get into your system. For one to be properly judged for mental health, has to be in your system long enough for you to have had your moods elevated. Essentially were you challenged at all in 6 months time? Did you have a reason to get angry, or be depressed. Anything to trigger mood swings to see how the medication altered your brains reaction.

I mean damn. That is a lot to wait for, and rarely does the first shoe fit.

After working in a local ER. I realized how sad, and how many holes are in our health care system. How long people have to wait to see anyone. How long for a room to become available. How short your treatment is.

At the same turn. When you come across none feeling bullies. The type they tell young kids to kill themselves. That hound them every day and night. Stalk them on any outlet they can find. Because they have nothing better to do then bring one person misery. When do they become accountable?

I do believe some bullies need help to stop the cycle. I also believe some have shown signs that they live a charmed life, are not bullied themselves and show no signs of a mental illness. They have admitted to just being board. *maybe the mental illness is in the path family ;>_>*

Anyway, for those few bullies that qualify. I just wonder if they should be held accountable for say a wrongful death. If the person they taunted or catfished killed themselves.

I often think that because bullying has no consequences that that is why it continues.

That if it had something truly scary to face. Maybe then kids would cut the shit.

We all know, those who have been bullied. That if you talk to an authority figure. Absolutely NOTHING happens. You still get bullied.

ladies. Hahaha isn't that rich?

And what of those rare occasions where those teachers where beaten by students on a gang like scene? What then?

Or in reverse in my situation? Where I was bullied for the majority of my life BY the faculty. Who do I turn to in a school and say, your staff is picking on me?

My last job had a bullying situation.

It was unbelievable to watch unfold. It wasn't even in my department per say. In the employee handbook it said they took bullying seriously. They had a senior staff member who was a out of control bully. She had great work history, but I guess her head got too big. She bullied everyone something awful and they lost countless people due to it. Here's the thing, while she did EVENTUALLY get fired for bullying. It took a while. A lot of new employees where very honest about why they were leaving. Many current employees made it known that all the reasons things never progressed or moral was low was bullying. Apparently this was brought up in staff meetings but went no where. It finally came to a head when they got a new boss on the floor, and a long time employee moved from one department down to that one. I guess her statement was more believable then that of new employees saying I'm leaving because I was bullying.

The thing that bothers me is. A why would a new employee lie? A new employee wants to fit in. They want to do there best. They have to learn the motion of the ocean real quick. They wanted that job. I doubt they wanted to leave that job so quickly. For one it never looks good on a resume. Do you know how defeating it is to be bullied that bad into leaving?

That is why I find it sad they did not listen to the previous statements. I understand that for a bullying case to stick. I guess they needed plenty of evidence. I know they certainly had it.

But in the case of schools. A friend of mine teachers whee toddlers. From babies to 3yr olds. And she has told me how early they start bullying.

Back to my statement on whether it's mental illness, they are being bullied elsewhere or if nothing at all is wrong. Are factors. Because listening to her. She has seen all three that young already and it's like wow if you can catch it that early. Again we could save lives on both sides of the situation.

Sorry random memory lane. Coupled with some random thoughts about current events.

[conflictedrabbit]

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 

___: 

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___: 

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff: 

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff: 

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___: 

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff: 

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___: 

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___: 

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___: 

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff: 

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___: 

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___: 

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff: 

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff: 

Wow i want to die!

___: 

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___: 

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___: 

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff: 

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___: 

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff: 

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___: 

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff: 

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___: 

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff: 

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff: 

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___: 

M. E

m

66ccff: 

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___: 

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff: 

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me: 

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___: 

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff: 

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff: 

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___: 

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff: 

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___: 

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff: 

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff: 

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff: 

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___: 

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___: 

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff: 

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___: 

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff: 

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___: 

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___: 

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___: 

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___: 

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff: 

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff: 

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___: 

Me

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff: 

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff: 

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___:  it's really weird

66ccff: 

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___: 

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah

....

66ccff: 

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

[mysdrymmumbles]

Sometimes I wonder if I’m really ace or if I’m a lesbian.

Cuz like

growing up I always had crushes on female characters in shows, even if I said I liked dude characters. Starfire, every Disney Princess, Willow, etc.

like seriously, I’d be super invested in the smart/pretty girl in a movie, and when she died, I’d still watch the rest of the movie, but I wouldn’t care as much because the only character I cared about was dead

i wished my boyfriends were women while I was with them

i’ve totally had crushes on girls i knew

my first kiss was a girl

seeing really pretty women can occasionally make my heart skip a beat and make me forget to breathe and stuff

girls are so pretty

and like

guys are alright i guess

when I was little I was always told that girls don’t have crushes on girls and so whatever I felt toward girls was admiration and whatever I felt toward guys was a crush

men are my biggest turn off

like I can lose any and all interest in just about anything if a man is suddenly using it to hit on me

dudes can be cool friends but kissing them is bleh

And like, if I’m being honest, the reasons I don’t do relationships are

it always ends up feeling like work

i’ve only ever had boyfriends, but I just get tired of having to deal with them after a few months (this does not apply to Douchebag Dan, for obvious reasons)

like yes, we’re a couple, stop being so needy. No, I don’t want to hold your hand and snuggle every goddamn day. ffs. I have shit to do. Stop guilt tripping me when I have homework/work/writing that needs to be done. 

i have never seen a relationship last and do not understand the point of wasting time with someone if either of you are looking for forever when one of you knows it won’t happen

my mom always commented on romantic movies, “And two years later they got divorced.” or something along those lines.

like i used to pray my parents would get a divorce because my mother is so jealous and I just wanted her to stop telling me my dad wanted to bang girls my age (he’s never indicated he does) and to let my dad be happy

i can be jealous too, and I don’t want to do to someone what my mom does to my dad. I have moments where I’m so much like her and I would rather whoever might be in a relationship with me be happy with someone else than put them through all that. Seriously. 

i have a lot of cons and not so many pros, so it seems kind of unfair to enter a relationship with another human being when I’m bringing mostly baggage and uselessness to the table.

And it’s a completely shit reason for why I’ve been thinking about this for a while now: 

No one will listen to me when I say I’m ace. They just keep pushing the fact that I need a boyfriend or acting like I secretly like boys and am too broken to realize it, and like... 

If I were going to date someone, she would be awesome, and not a guy. 

But that’s not ace, that’s being a lesbian.

But then I’m gender fluid -- sometimes I’m a woman, most of the time I’m agender -- so would I even be a lesbian?

And i just...

I dunno man. 

For a while I thought I was bi because I was about as attracted to girls as guys, but then I didn’t really wanna have sex with anyone, so. 

I still remember back in college. I was doing research for a paper and I saw an article about a ‘mysterious 4th gender’. So I clicked it and they were saying that a bunch of people in this study identified as asexual, not being attracted to anyone, and I was like, “Hey that’s me.” 

Then I finished my paper and forgot the term and just went about life because i didn’t care that much.

And then I was reintroduced to the term a few years later and was like, “still me.” 

And now I’m like, “Hmm...if I were actually capable of being a functional adult, I would totally date girls.” 

So...

Idfk. 

But I do know I’m not into guys. 

And that’s the one thing people around me don’t seem to understand.

Except for my dad. He’s cool. I told him I’m not into guys, and he said, “You get that from me. I’m not into guys either.”