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soggypotatoes · 2 years

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ugh ok so like

I dissociate a lot, have my whole life, but a few days ago I experienced a complete switch over for the first time and it's still ongoing

like. I had therapy that day and I walked in and was like. acting very normal, because I can do that, and she pretty quickly asked '...have we met before?' and I've seen her every day since then so we're trying to work it out

I honestly thought at first that I'd died and been reincarnated into a living body by accident... but after seeing her a few times and trying to figure out who I am I see what's happening. it was scary but I'm adapting. I don't think this will last much longer. apparently something extremely triggering happened on Sunday and I actually passed out and woke up like this. I'm ok though. this is happening to keep me ok. like I'm totally fine, not really stressed about things, except for the fact that I'm dealing with a lot of fatigue.

still not sure who I am or why this is happening. but there ya go.

✌️

#she said im acting completely different lol #i thought i was doing great #at pretending #my friend noticed too and i didnt even see them in person #i messaged them that something weirds going on thats it #and they asked if id dissociated into a different part #like . howd they know that I've only messaged them like 3 times??#blue speaks #im afraid people will not understand or think im doing this to avoid accountability #for what? i dont know #its strange though i know exactly who everyone is but everyone feels like strangers #like im a substitute teacher whos been given a briefing #except i havent actually been a teacher before #im getting the hang of it though #ive been tagging things and posting like normal #practicing being the person im meant to be #i dont think this will last much longer thoufh #hopefully...#also i use he/him pronouns exclusively #also i dont reeeeally remember what happened but i remember passing out!#just blackness taking over me #not like falling asleep #though i did sleep for a while #i dunno man. im new here #my names not really blue btw i havent figured that out yet #i just like blue the colour #ALSO i dont like any of the clothes here looool #im going to kmart tomorrow to get different clothes #ah and if you see me irl i will be acting normal ive gotten better at it #and this might be over any day now we'll see

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blueboyluca · 1 year

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“When I first heard it, from a dog trainer who knew her behavioral science, it was a stunning moment. I remember where I was standing, what block of Brooklyn’s streets. It was like holding a piece of polished obsidian in the hand, feeling its weight and irreducibility. And its fathomless blackness. Punishment is reinforcing to the punisher. Of course. It fit the science, and it also fit the hidden memories stored in a deeply buried, rusty lockbox inside me. The people who walked down the street arbitrarily compressing their dogs’ tracheas, to which the poor beasts could only submit in uncomprehending misery; the parents who slapped their crying toddlers for the crime of being tired or hungry: These were not aberrantly malevolent villains. They were not doing what they did because they thought it was right, or even because it worked very well. They were simply caught in the same feedback loop in which all behavior is made. Their spasms of delivering small torments relieved their frustration and gave the impression of momentum toward a solution. Most potently, it immediately stopped the behavior. No matter that the effect probably won’t last: the reinforcer—the silence or the cessation of the annoyance—was exquisitely timed. Now. Boy does that feel good.”

— Melissa Holbrook Pierson, The Secret History of Kindness (2015)

#dog books #this chapter was very sad reading #when you become aware of punishment #and its use and its prevalence #it's hard not to despair #again this is why positive reinforcement feels like absolution #maybe now my eyes are open I can make up for what I did #what I did because it's what everyone does #because it's more acceptable to punish than to do anything else #I've been having so many thoughts about punishment and society and justice #this book was very validating #another great validating moment in my jumbled thoughts #was listening to the You're Wrong About episode on justice #with Amanda Knox #it helped to ease the despair a little

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soulmvtes · 7 months

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girls and the inherent loneliness they have felt all their lives

#doing great this thursday afternoon why do you ask #no i was not having a decent day n then it got ruined by this at all what #diary #tiyas thoughts

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egophiliac · 4 months

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queen of diamonds, upright + reversed 💎

I've redone this like eighty times, I have to just be done with it now and stop staring at all my mistakes oh no 🫠

#art #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland spoilers #twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers #twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers #twisted wonderland episode 7 part 8 spoilers #twisted wonderland book 7 part 8 spoilers #coming in well after the fact but that's what happens when the art doesn't cooperate #and i just HAD to draw something for vil's ob (re-ob?) because i loved it so much #legit put my hand over my mouth and went “oh!” when i realized what was happening #i thought it was just going to be an idia thing because. y'know. closing out his character arc from episode 6 and all #so this was like. oh! oh we're going to get ALL the inky boys!!!!!#i wonder if this is why we got a malleus flashback so early...#not to mention everyone's dreams?!#i am braced for 90% of the dreams to be kind of jokey/inconsequential because we have SO many characters to get through #and most of the time will probably be spent on our lads (literally) dropkicking their emotional problems #but i am excited to see everyone regardless!#and also kind of terrified! what on EARTH will floyd be dreaming about. do i want to know.#i do but do i want to.#man. they're probably not going to get back to it but i do wonder what silver's dream was #what was he doing when he was like 'wait a minute' and noped right out of there #lilia: here silver i made dinner :)#silver: oh boy this looks great! ...YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD #ouuuagh i'm still deep in the blotsauce guys and i'm loving it #come make snowangels in the ink with me it's great

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citree · 5 months

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I just want to start a flame in your heart~ 🔥🧡🔥

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cowardlykrow · 7 months

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Stop light shenanigans

Extra:

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lucabyte · 5 months

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i feel like people are sleeping on the occam's razor situation of how buckwild it is to outright accuse a guy of being a clone of your friend even if you DO have a lot of circumstantial evidence. there's other options is what im saying. they could just be like. a guy. that's a sensible deduction. you should explore that deduction. ignore my shirt that reads I <3 RED HERRINGS.

i still think odile has the correct theory on lock but she's smart enough to know it needs like... a real smoking gun to be able to bring it up without sounding insane.

anyway. (mirabelle voice) i know its rude to speculate but has anyone else noticed the grieving? they seem to be grieving. does anyone have any thoughts on the grieving? i have some thoughts on the grieving.

#[isabeau voice] am i insane or does sometimes loop talk like they might have killed their whole family. is that just me? just checking.#nille design highly inspired by @kiwibrain's since its the one that imprinted in my mind. liberties taken since i didnt look @ reference #anyway i have a lot more thoughts on this? i guess ill hide them in the tags...? scroll down i suppose.#isat #in stars and time #isat spoilers #in stars and time spoilers #isat act 6 spoilers #isat loop #isat siffrin #isat bonnie #isat nille #isat fanart #in stars and time fanart #doodlebyte #----------------------------------------------------------------------#anyway the extra thoughts. are literally just my general thoughts on postcanon. (and thus are the context for all of my postcanon doodles!)#which is i think nille joins the party before loop reappears for a start (either from a period of nonexistence or just wandering around)#and that like. i think the party should be able to integrate loop as a completely new person. because they are! the secrecy isn't great but #They and Siffrin shuffle into different ecological niches in the party (eg. i think sif is more squeamish after it all but loop isnt)#and while it's not *exactly* what Loop wanted they get that beggars can't be choosers. and its pretty good #(i am glossing over how i think loop's reappearence drags both them and siffrin into a massive behavioural backslide and is likely a bit #distressing to watch go down. cycle of argument -> lovebombing -> normalcy -> repeat. etc etc. but since they are no longer literally #stewing in the worst pressure cooker of all time they do resolve it via productive conversation on their own time. its fine)#the party well-meaningly tries to deduce things from loop's vagueries and are able to pin down the DEAD FAMILY vibe pretty quickly.#but eventually the question of their prior identity falls by the wayside because well! they're just their friend loop! (also change belief)#as for how The Truth Come Out... this is what i mean by The Isabeau Torment Nexus(tm). which is that i think... isiloop should almost occur #BEFORE isabeau knows who loop is. he's just genuinely charmed by them eventually and tries to close the open end of the polycule #which FREAKS LOOP THE FUCK OUT because thats just too genuinely sick and wrong. and obviously w emotions high its not a great confrontation #ANYWAY told u i had more thoughts. if i were normal itd be a text post but.

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hailsatanacab · 11 months

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A Persuasive Argument - dpxdc

"Great!" Danny says, clapping his hands together to get everyone's attention. The dinner table falls silent as everyone looks towards him. It's a full house today and, honestly, Danny's a little nervous. "I'm sure you're all wondering why I gathered you here today."

"It's dinnertime. In our house." Duke mutters, while doing a very bad job of concealing his yawn. He holds his fork poised over the braised beef, but, just like everyone else, still looks towards Danny before tucking in. It's intriguing enough to wait.

"Yeah, no one misses Alfie's dinner." Dick says, with a brilliant smile that Danny can't help but return.

"Precisely! What better time to talk to you all than when you're all actually here!"

"Wait, I thought you came round to work on our English essays?" Tim asks, blinking owlishly.

"I'm afraid I've lured you here under false pretences, Tim."

"This is where I live."

"I would still really appreciate help on that essay though, I mean, what the hell is Hamlet even about? I just don't get that old time-y language, like 'Hark! A ghost hath killed me!' - absolute rubbish, what does that even mean?"

"The ghost never kills anyone in Hamlet, he's there to tell Hamlet that he was murdered. Have you actually read it?"

"No, but it sounds like you have. Tim, I want this guy to help me with my essay instead. I know for a fact that you haven't read Hamlet, either."

"So? We don't need Jason, I've read the Sparknotes."

"Hi Jason, I'm Danny, pleasure to meet you, summarise Hamlet in three sentences or less."

"Am I auditioning to help you write your essays? I can't believe you’ve gone through your whole school life without reading it, it’s good!"

"Hamlet, along with a number of other classics, was banned in our house because it portrayed ghosts as intelligent and sympathetic beings rather than evil, animalistic beasts. I didn’t even get to see The Muppet's Christmas Carol until last year with Tim! It was surprisingly good, and I hate Christmas because everyone always argued and it sucked. But we're getting off topic. I—"

"No, no, please go back to that, because what the fu—"

"Boys, please." Bruce interrupts, looking to the world as if he wants to hang his head in his hands. "Danny, you were about to say something?"

"Oh, yeah, Mr. Wayne! Thanks!"

"Please, call me Bruce."

"Well, that very succinctly brings me to my point, because I'd actually really like to call you dad."

Nobody says a word. Nobody even blinks, all as shocked as the other, watching open-mouthed as Danny pulls his laptop out from beside his chair. Bruce can definitely feel a headache coming on.

"Before you say anything, I've prepared a 69 slide PowerPoint presentation on why you, Bruce Wayne, should adopt me, Danny Last-Name-Pending. Please save your questions, comments, and verdict until the end, thank you."

#dpxdc #batpham #i forget - can we tag the parent fandoms? w/e #immediately alfred's like: while i do appreciate your initiative may i suggest it wait until after dinner?#and danny - who has barely eaten proper homecooked food ever - takes one bite and then absolutely wolfs down the whole lot #after he's finished he's like 'bear with - I've got to add that to the 'Reasons I Would Like to Live Here' section'#danny's powerpoint has tailored sections for each batfam member with lists of reasons why they'd get along #my au thoughts on this is that the fentons disowned danny when he told them he was phantom #and that this is after the ultimate enemy - wherein which he allied himself with the JL to fight against dan #(which didnt really work at all - BUT he knows some of their identities now INCLUDING batman's)#so one of the main reasons why he'd be a great fit is that he knows their vigilante status anyway so they don’t need to worry about secrets #dick just turns to tim like 'he’s your friend. he learnt this from you.'#tim: 'i didn't tell him our identities!! i would never!!'#dick: 'no i know that. it's the stalker tendancies. it's baby tim all over again'#tim: scandalised gasp #they all eat dinner in silence just super subdued and in shock and sending glances to bruce and danny #duke like: 'so i know I'm the last one in the family but like... this isn't how it normally happens right? did any of you make powerpoints?#tim gets all shifty because he absolutely did make a powerpoint he just never actually showed it to anyone #everyone stares at tim because they all know. it was in one of bab's blackmail files she has on him #damian's slide has danny offering to throw down at any time. 'tim says you like to prove yourself with your skills?#how about a real challenge? if i beat you then you have to vote yes to adopting me!'#damian is in two minds about accepting because... 1) look at him damian could take danny in his sleep! but #2) on the off chance that he does win... damian does not want any more brothers #(he takes the bet and its a suprisingly fun fight - and while he'll never say this... he would vote yes even without the wager)#on one of danny's slides there's a picture of ellie: you'll also get my clone sister! two children for the price of one!!#uhhh.... thats it now - I've been having fun with this haha #spent all day with the 'ive lured you here under false pretences' 'danny i live here' line in my head haha #anyway enjoy!!!!!! this was fun #i wanna make these slides so bad

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theoldkyokodied · 7 months

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It's always funny in sillydelphia or whatever. Sorry i can't concentrate on making a joke, there are women right in front of me (pointing at my own genderbend iasip drawings, sweating profusely)

#macdennis #fem macdennis #macden #iasip #it's always sunny in philadelphia #iasip genderbend #this goes out to the person who sent me an anonymus ask for posting the noir lesbian macden here too hope you have a great day :)#also shoutout to the person who shared that lesbian noir macden on their insta story with the caption:#'I THOUGHT THESE WERE BEAUTIFUL BUTCH LESBIANS. TURNS OUT ITS THOSE ASSHOLES FROM ITS ALWAYS SUNNY'#i think i cry-laughed at that when i saw it. im so sorry. they are beautiful butch lesbians in my lesbian head #anyway enjoy some screencap redraws! i'm doing friendly and encouraging karate chops in your direcion. Wha-pow!

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lazylittledragon · 2 months

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not to toot my own horn too loud or anything but i've showered 5/6 days so far this week and started running again and now i can kill god

#ramble #neurotypicals don't interact i'm tired of explaining why showering is the bane of my fucking existence #my thought process is like #go for run -> get all sweaty and gross -> NEED to shower -> ahah get clean motherfucker #i don't think i can get away with not doing it rn it's too damn hot #also they should invent a version of the feeling you get after a run that doesn't involve actually running. bc starting up again HURTS #but i. refuse to go back to the gym it's just too Much there #jogging is great bc there's the sun and grass and DOGS and gym bros don't bother you

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dead-core · 8 months

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part of knowing me is watching me self-destruct. you cannot save me, you cannot fix me, and you cannot stop me.

#actually mentally ill #actually borderline #actually bpd #ed not ed sheeran #ed not sheeren #bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd feels #bpd vent #bpd mood #this is so dramatic and like edgelord but fr!#not good at taking care of myself and self-aware about it! plus stubborn and spiteful and defiant so your concern just fuels me #sometimes i can be very 'oh you're worried? shut the fuck up and don't tell me what to do'#so that's not great

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turtleblogatlast · 8 months

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AU where Leo is trapped in the Prison Dimension for months instead of minutes and the only way he gets by with his sanity intact is through recording himself talking to his wrist comm.

When they finally manage to get Leo back and make him rest up to heal, Donnie can’t help but listen to the recordings left behind.

He’s not sure what exactly he’s expecting, only that his subconscious is screaming at him that it has to be heartbreaking, that it has to be torturous.

Instead, what Donnie is subject to is a full thousand hours’ worth of Jupiter Jim and Lou Jitsu crossover fanfiction. More than one part in the series. Spanning well over a million words.

(The worst part is that it’s actually good.)

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt headcanons #donnie keeps the comms going on in the background as he works #when he gets to the end he’s like what the hell…where’s the rest #donnie: leo where’s part nine #leo barely cognizant after not needing sleep for months: whuh-#donnie: you can’t leave it at a cliffhanger. leo. leo where’s the next part.#listen leo has a great memory for his special interests this is CANON plus he’s a great talker so he would totally be able to do this frfr #whenever he needs to be quiet he’s SILENT but otherwise he’s regaling the exploits of his idols to the captive audience that is The Photo #sometimes Krang sneaks up on him and just listens to him talk like ????#it starts both as leo trying to comfort himself with his favorite things PLUS comfort himself with thoughts of his father #as splinter makes his own crossover fanfiction when sick lol plus he’s Literally Lou Jitsu #and yes krang ALSO gets a bit invested #leo notices the reduction of Ouch but hey more time for rambling fanfic for him 👍#idk leo’s a damn good actor/liar/planner/schemer and I genuinely think that can pivot into storytelling so well #the literal second mikey’s hands heal donnie zooms to his side with hand stabilizers and a request to draw ‘scene 82 from recording 3’#mikey’s like what #so obvs now HE needs to listen as he works #he too gets invested #he comes across raph who mentions having trouble sleeping #mikey: have I got the podcast fanfic for you!#it only somewhat helps raph sleep #somewhat bc sometimes he forces himself to stay awake to hear the rest #yes these recordings go to the whole fam and leo is none the wiser #they don’t even mean to hide it it just never comes up lol #it’s only when donnie FINALLY makes it to the end of the recordings that he confronts leo to continue the story #leo: oH YOU HEARD ALL THAT HUH-

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crescentfool · 7 months

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reunion 🌸

#persona 3 #persona 3 spoilers #minato arisato #makoto yuki #ryoji mochizuki #aigis #ryomina #lizzy does art #HELLO EVERYONE!!! march 5th is upon us again so i bring... my contribution for this year. my third year drawing for it!#i made the thumbnail for this a few weeks after last year's graduation day #i thought it would be fun to lean into the ryominaigis angle of graduation day (you could read this as minato/aigis if you like-#but i feel like most people would read it as ryoji/minato)#IN ANY CASE working on this made me very emotional over this game :') (specifically minato)#i really enjoy how p3 ends it's such a nice way of wrapping up the narrative's messages and themes #working on this. minato's kindness was at the forefront of my mind throughout the piece #and i really wanted to capture how. ultimately it was his decision to sacrifice himself- to do the great seal #while to an outsider's perspective it is. sad that minato passes. i think becoming the seal is something that minato-#actively welcomes. in the same way that death (ryoji) is a comfort to him because death was housed in him for Ten YearsTM #AND I ALSO GOT REALLY SAD OVER AIGIS TOO. i still get fucked up over how in fes's animated cutscene for 3/5 they portray-#her as human and not drawing the robot parts so i wanted to do something smilar here...#but also i am very sad on aigis's behalf because she discovers her humanity through minato and realizes what she-#wants to do and then. well. minato is like. he's ready to pass on (even if he's scared) and im like. OH MY GOD THIS TRIO GETS ME MESSED UP #this was more coherent in my head LOL BUT ough i like drawing p3 and working through my feelings about it...#anyway! happy (in quotations) march 5th. i love this game to bits. it's so fun to draw for this day every year and see how i've improved #if you've read all this thank you :) lizzy appreciates you all very much. mwah! <3

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hunterofthehunters · 1 year

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seeing people talk about the new animated superman show reminds me that the issue superman's had for the last few decades in mainstream media, which is that too many dudebros assume the point of his character is about his "power". like "oooh look how scary he could be, if superman were real he'd be soooo dangerous" and missing the real truth. the ultimate truth. the actual truth:

superman works because he is a fundamentally very similar character to spider-man.

#my adventures with superman #superman #spider-man #thoughts of loog #what i mean is their nature of “with great power comes great responsibility” and “no crisis too small” have an immense amount of overlap #they exist as power fantasies yes #but the power fantasy isn't doing whatever you want #it's having the power to help anyone and everyone you can #no matter how small the problem seems

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jarrows · 10 months

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recently i reread a bunch of my favorite sherlock holmes stories (norw my beloved) and felt compelled to create my own diagram for 221B

#sherlock holmes #there are so many great blueprints and maps out there and i thought it would be fun to toss my own hat into the ring #trying to be accurate to what is mentioned in the books #while still allowing for some fun artistic embellishments #was a nice challenge!#i ended up doing lestrades office too but of course you never do see that in canon so it was much more vibes~ based #i am going to color this and spruce it up some but we needed break here before diving back in #since i think the timelapse of this drawing is longer than some feature films 💀💀💀#anyway definitely open these images in a new tab and zoom in if you can bc these are really big

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hjartasalt · 2 months

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Hey so this is insane

#why does he keep doing this #I thought it was a one off thing but apparently not #in the first clip you can see it's after he got shot so this is recent #and he STILL won't shut up about ''the late great Hannibal Lecter''

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