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going-to-ikea-for-the-fries · 7 months

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Home Pt. 7 || cbf! Simon "Ghost" Riley

Rating: M Words: 1.9K Pairing: cbf!Simonxafab!reader / teen!Simonxteen!Reader Summary: Teen Simon and his best friend often spend their nights away from their respective houses because they found a home in each other… CW: vomitting. thoughts of hurting someone. Tags: you/your pronouns, time skip, heartbreak. a/n: not proofread. also, I lied. It's a triple-chapter sort of day.

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Maybe it’s the heartbreak over you.

Or the lack of distractions in the shape of your countless 3, 4, 5-page letters, like you used to send during Basic and ITT.

But the fact of the matter is that Lance Corporal Riley dived headfirst into the job, taking out enemies with an efficiency and bravery many of his COs have never seen before.

Something about Simon Riley makes him too good at his job.

The type of good that his COs can’t part with, and therefore made them circumvent rules to keep him in the field, instead of sending him on leave.

The type of good that means he’s progressing up the ranks scarily fast, getting commendations left and right.

The type of good that attracts attention from all sorts of people in all sorts of high places.

Six months turned to twelve, turned to eighteen, turned to twenty-four…

In a blink-and-you-miss-it moment, by the time Corporal Simon Riley notices, he’s twenty-five, and passing selection for the 22nd Regiment of the SAS.

He throws punches in the training room, the other newcomer he’s fighting with narrowly dodging them. His aggression is coming out more than usual, almost like he’s having trouble keeping a lid on the boiling pot that are his inner thoughts.

He needs to let out frustration. He needs to hurt someone.

That’s all he’s been able to think of since he woke up this morning and saw the date on his calendar.

The calendar is a funny thing. The days keep going past, coming and going, another page, another month… Time moves and he feels he’s standing still.

Sure, he got bumped up the ranks, he got accepted into the SAS, he went back to Manc for the holidays, celebrated his birthday, his wins…

But that didn’t stop his heart from aching as the calendar showed the anniversary of your first kiss, the anniversary of your first time, your birthday and his…

Today is October 5th. The 13-year anniversary of the day you two met.

And you are all he can think of.

He was nineteen, you were eighteen.

He had just gotten himself out of base and took a bus to the train station. Eight months. Eight months he had spent in Afghanistan.

He had gotten nothing from you, not once hearing “Lance Corporal Riley, phone!” as he got brought into the tent to pick up a phone call from you… And much less a letter of yours dropped at the foot of his bunk in the few times he had enough downtime to sleep.

He had time to think. Nothing else but time, he felt like. Time to realize that, maybe, he was wrong in the way he left. Maybe he shouldn’t have said the things he did. Even if he still thought you needed to hear them.

He missed you. Point blank.

He got himself to the station early, over an hour left for his train to Manc to leave.

He found himself meandering in the streets nearby, killing time. A bergen pack on his shoulders, hands in his pockets, muscular arms on display in a t-shirt that clung a bit too tight to his body. A few fresh scars on his arms and hands from the recent service.

His brown eyes were drawn to a shop window, a jeweler’s. He told himself it was just because the items on display are shiny.

He went inside. He told himself it was just because he had time to kill.

The jeweler, a kind old man, spotted the fatigues he was wearing, and showed him the engagement rings without even being asked. He looked at them all, going back and forth between all the designs. He told himself it was just to amuse the elderly man.

But as he disembarked the train in Manchester hours later and walked toward the cabbies across the street from the station, his hand tapped at the little ring box in the top right pocket of his cargo pants.

When he got home, his dad’s car was gone. Good. It meant you were still driving around with it. He forced himself to go inside, to greet Tommy and mum, dad not being home when he got there, thank God.

Once they were both asleep, he took mum’s car out. It was a shitty little Vauxhall Vectra. He made a mental note to buy her a new one once he had enough money as he drove out to the viewpoint he knew you spent your nights in.

But you weren’t there.

He drove back down to Wythenshawe and took the car in a slow drive-by past your house. The car wasn’t there either.

So, he drove to your local, the spot you both spent so many nights with your mutual friends at. It wasn’t there either. In fact, no one’s car was there. Not even your old mates… Even though it was a Friday night.

As a last resort, he drove to Olly’s house. The lights were on. His dad’s car wasn’t there, but Olly’s was. So, he parked the car and went up the steps, knocking on the door.

A very weary-eyed Olly opened the door, wearing a dirty undershirt, as he seemed to have just gotten home from work. “Riley?! Oi, bruv!” He greeted Simon with a half-hug and pat on the back, which Simon returned. “How you been?”

“Can’t complain.” Simon replied. “Just shipped back from deployment.” He added, stepping inside the house. “How’ve you been?” He returned the question, even if he didn’t care.

He felt stiff inside Olly’s house, even if he was the one mate of his that Simon was closest to, other than you. He felt like he didn’t belong there.

“Been alright. Workin’ construction now. You know how it is.” He remarked as he offered Simon a beer from the fridge. But he didn’t take it. The brand was the same cheap shite your father used to drink. He didn’t need it.

“I need to see your cousin. Just been by her house but she wasn’t there.” He added as he watched Olly drop himself onto an armchair in the sitting room. Simon remained standing, arms crossed over his chest.

Oliver’s face immediately turned to look at Simon, eyebrows raising in surprise. “Oh, bloody hell, you didn’t know, did you?” He asked.

“Didn’t know what?” He asked and cocked a brow, moving his arms a bit as his blouson jacket scrunched under the strain of his crossed bulky arms.

“Y/N vanished. Packed up and left a few months ago. Didn’t tell anyone where she was going. Drove her mum and mine up the bloody wall panicking that she was gone.” Olly explained, his voice a bit more solemn.

Simon’s blood ran cold as he heard what Olly said. “Wha-” He choked on his own breath and coughed a bit as Olly kept going, saying something or other about how you didn’t even pick up your last paycheck from the little job you were working. How you had only scheduled a letter be sent from the post office to your mum to promise her that you were alive and safe, and were going to find someplace better for yourself.

The blond lad didn’t even dignify your cousin with another word. He simply turned and marched out of the house, slamming the door behind him as he returned to his mum’s car.

It felt like the engagement ring he had bought you suddenly weighed a ton, and like it was burning a hole through his pocket and onto his stomach, searing hot, mocking him.

He leaned his hands against the top of the car and leaned his hand down, feeling like he was going to throw up.

What did he expect? That you’d still be around, waiting for him with open arms? That you’d stay after the way he treated you? That was pathetic of him. Hell, you might have been immature and naive, but you weren’t a bloody pushover, that much he knew.

“Riley!” A voice calls out to him, but it’s just far enough that he can tune it out and keep fighting.

The other cadet is winded, stumbling back when Simon throws a harsh elbow to his nose and then sweeps his legs out from under him, landing the other man on the mat.

“RILEY!” The voice is louder and Simon suddenly stops in his tracks, shoulders rising and falling.

He looks back at the source of the voice, Lieutenant Jonathan Price, his C.O.. “My office.” He demands. Simon grunts under his breath and his shoulders drop. He looks back down at the recruit he’s sent sprawling onto the floor. He’s bleeding, cupping his nose with his hand.

He huffs and reaches a hand down, helping the other one to his feet and mumbling a few half-hearted apologies. “Didn’t think you’d be that weak.” He says in banter, trying not to seem so angry, the other guy laughing it off despite the unmistakeable soreness in his back and blood all over his uniform.

Then, Simon rushes off, taking off his black grappling gloves and slipping his body under the ropes of the ring, following after Lieutenant Price.

He enters the office after a brief knock and goes inside, noticing Lieutenant Price on the other side, sitting at his desk, arms crossed. “You wanna explain to me why you’re throwing the other recruits around like ragdolls?” He nods his head out the door.

Corporal Simon Riley, now an SAS Cadet, takes a breath and closes the door behind himself and slowly sits in front of Price.

He has a lot of respect for his Lieutenant, having been handpicked by him specifically to join his Bravo Six squadron. He’d even say he gets along with the man.

“Nuthin’ boss.” Simon replies as he looks away from the harsh blue eyes of the man in front of him.

“Right. Nuthin’.” Price says sarcastically. “Well, whatever that nuthin’ is, you better fix it.” He adds.

If only it was that easy, Simon wants to tell him. But he doesn’t. Instead nods his head sharply. Not much he could do either way. He agrees with Price. He knows he was in the wrong minutes ago. He’s normally so good at keeping a lid on it…

“It’s just a bad day.” Simon replies. “‘ll be back to normal tomorrow.”

“I don’t care if it’s a bad day, a bad week or a bad life.” He adds bluntly, display his authority. “I can’t have a tickin’ time bomb in my ranks, understood?”

“Yes, sir.” Simon replies and nods again and looks down at his legs, spread open in the armchair across from Price’s desk, his eyes locked on the black training trousers with the SAS logo stamped on the left leg.

“We gotta rely on each other, Riley,” Price starts to tell him, which causes Simon’s brown eyes to flit upward abruptly, locking onto Price’s blue ones.

“Stop bloody relyin’ on me.”

“If you’re so fuckin’ unhappy and ungrateful of what I’m doin’ for us both…”

“Then grow up and leave. Get yourself out.”

“...so, redirect that aggression.” Price finishes his explanation. “Let it out in the firing range or the field. Not against your own team.” He advises.

“Yes, sir.” Simon adds and gulps a bit, pushing himself up off his chair. He makes for the door in quick, silent steps, without having to be dismissed.

He closes the door behind him and rushes down the hall and out a side door.

Once he’s around the back of the building, he keels over and vomits over his boots.

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taglist: @iite-cool , @spicyspicyliving

#ikea writes 💚#home cbf!simon fic #cod fanfic #ghost cod #simon ghost riley x reader #simon riley x you #childhood best friends to lovers #cbf #cbf!simon #teenage love #masterlist #angst #heartbreak #time skip

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delightfulwombatyouth · 21 days

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First update in a while. We finally got a good routine for putting baby down to sleep, the swaddle and pacifier were big hits and now he gets 4 hours go. Last night he went down at 7:30, I was exhausted from being up since 4 am so my wife and I went to sleep too. He woke up at 11:30 my wife took that one, then again at 3:15 and I took that one so I got a full 8 hours, today is the first day since he was born I don't feel sleep deprived!

I made my monthly habit calendar yesterday. Want to make sure I am still doing things for myself, my own health, and keep on top of things for my cat Appa and household chores.

I was 180.2 lbs yesterday, basically gained 13 pounds over the past month of eating whatever with no regard. Time to get back to eating right. Had my Costco bacon/Gouda egg bites for breakfast, rotisserie chicken and broccoli for lunch and I'll figure out dinner later likely a salad and protein.

My wife and I had been in the habit of having a single cocktail with dinner recently because we thought it was helping us with the stress but I think it's now adding to the stress/hurting my sleep more than it's helping and I just loath the idea of feeling like I NEED any exogenous chemical to feel good/get through life so I'm giving that up again.

I'll be hitting 1 year of no weed come September 18th and hopefully this time next year I can hit 1 year no booze as well, see what I can accomplish with that, as I did get a lot more out of life from quitting smoking.

Anyways I'm back to posting a little bit, most likely fitness/diet/journal type stuff. Hope you all had a good labor day!

#me #self #selfie #journal

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mingyusgirl444 · 2 months

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MY UPDATES WITH @adambja TAPES

listening schedule:

day -

- (full listen) manifesting tape w/ affirming (1x)

- (full listen) manifesting tape w/ affirming (2x)

- (full listen) manifesting tape w/ affirming (3x)

- (full listen) manifesting tape w/ affirming (4x)

- (full listen) manifesting tape w/ affirming (5x)

- (full listen) manifesting tape w/ affirming (6x)

night -

- affirming while falling asleep

- loop overnight (make sure ur headphones and phone is charged)

day 0: so as soon as I received the tape, I decided to start listening, and I ended up listening overnight, while affirming my umbrella affirmation “my list has manifested” + the “method” I’ve been using is affirming and persisting, detachment, subliminals, and listening to a affirmation tape with my voice recorded on it.

day 1: when I woke up, the tape had turned off but I turned it back on and didn’t end up going back to sleep so I just affirmed my affirmation, I did my routine but I couldn’t do it fully because I went to the beach with my family, but I’ll do the routine anyways and I’m still gonna sleep with the tape on + one of the things on my list is my desired McDonalds order and my mom hasn’t talked about fast food or anything but today she was talking about McDonald’s (^.^)

++ I also feel more detached today, like I don’t care about angel number like I’d normally

day 2: I woke up a few times during the night but my sub was still on, so yay and I just affirmed myself back to sleep, but I fell asleep before I could finish the final 11 minutes but it’s fine, + I had a vivid dream, and I woke up feeling detached from my desires just knowing basically, ok so I finished my routine and just have to go to sleep and listen to the tape over night, oh and I crossed off one of the desires on the list which was for my sisters jaw to stop locking and it hadn’t locked for like 4 days so I decided to cross it off (^.^)

day 3: I did my routine successfully yesterday, along with sleeping with the tape on for most of the night since my headphones popped off but I just put them back on, I didn’t have a dream and I felt pretty neutral when I woke up ++ I do find myself more detached though since I don’t think about my desire unless I’m affirming for the 11 minutes each hour. ++ so I ended up taking a really long nap but I put the sub on and it played for the whole time I was sleeping, I’m awake now and am gonna continue affirming from (12:00 to 12:11) and (1:00 to 1:11) (^.^)

day 4: hii, so stayed up till like 9 in the morning and then crashed but with the affirmation tape on and even I woke up I just affirmed for a bit and then got up to use the bathroom, I woke up feeling fine and I’m just gonna continue to do my routine today ++ I didn’t have a dream and I’ve decided that after I’m done with this on day seven I’m going to listen to the dream life one

(This is what has been happening so far, I wonder if listening to both tapes would result in better results! But if anyone has any tips feel free to share)

#loa tumblr #loa #loa blog #loassumption #law of assumption #wonyoung #manifesation #manifesting #affirmations #affirm and persist #advice #robotic affirming #affirm and manifest 🫧 🎀✨ ִִֶָ ٠˟

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icarusj · 4 months

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I'm literally so sick right now and I haaaaaate it. I feel awful and gross and my brain is being extra mean.

It's been 9 ish hours since I originally made this post and I somehow feel worse? Everything from my eyes to my toes feels like bruising. I was finally able to keep some soup down and I've been munching sunflower seeds all day.

24 hours since I woke up last with spurt naps in between and I still can't calm my cough enough to sleep. This is the worst.

3 pm on 3rd day and my fever finally broke. I still feel like I got hit by a truck, but I finally slept.

9pm and I've slept all day. I can finally sit up but I'm running another fever. Basically I'm keeping track of all of this because I never had covid in the sense that every test was negative. But the last time I was this unwell was December 2019. I was in immobile shape for 16 days. The bird flu test was also negative but I'm looking at near incapacitated for more than 12 hours a day today being day 6.

Stayed up finally able to sit up. I've had a little bit of food and I'm getting some more meds this morning. It feels like my fever is back. Pretty soon I'll take another covid test. I still feel like death.

About midway through day 7 and I'm finally able to stand for longer than 3 mins. The nausea has finally subsided. It has been so bad that the last 4 days kind of just feel like a blur. I have an appetite, but I still don't feel well enough to drive, and I'm not paying the $15 door dash fee. Either way, now that I'm able to sit up and focus without drifting in and out of consciousness, I finished my book (The Cruel Prince) And immediately got the second one in the series. I'm trying to watch meme videos for chess and Black ops so that I'm not watching helluva boss over and over again.

I think I need one more day of full rest and recovery. I finished two books and now I'm watching Pacific Drive videos by jacksepticeye

8:30 pm next night. Went back to the doctor. He said one more day of rest but three more of meds. I finally felt well enough to enjoy a hot bath.

Round 2 bitches. I got the caw caw again and not IN THE FUCKIN FUN WAY WTF THIS US BULLSHIT

#me #sick #flu #salt helps #personal #getting better #journal #birdflu2024

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readingadream · 5 months

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Chapter 4

3 | 4 | 5

1,773

Master

San POV

Since the day Wooyoung had joined us, things have felt more lively. We all seemed more relaxed now, which was nice. Hongjoong, though, definitely upset me when he basically forced Wooyoung to do something that he clearly wasn’t very comfortable with. I was surprised when Wooyoung finally agreed, but the other day when I offered to join, it seemed like he truly wanted that. So today, Yeosang, Mingi, Wooyoung, and I all went to take some more photos near an open field.

The goal was to show just how powerful he and I could be. Yeosang had done our makeup as well as picked out similar outfits to match. Wooyoung was wearing a nice gray blazer with no shirt underneath, nice black dress pants and a very simple makeup look, light pink eyeshadow, and a slightly dark lip tint. I had worn a loose-fitting black sweater, black jeans, basically a no makeup look, and a nice silver necklace.

Simple but effective outfits, honestly. Mingi gave us a whistle when we both walked over to him. Wooyoung was blushing and, of course, was trying to hide his face with the sleeves of the blazer. Cutie. There was no reason for Woo to be this nervous, honestly. I wished silently that he would feel confident in himself.

“Wooyoung is showing off today, I’m not sure I’ll be able to focus when he looks this hot.” Teasing Wooyoung was easy, plus seeing his ears turn red just made me laugh before wrapping my arms around his shoulders. “Awe, there is no need to be so shy. Woo, you look amazing.” Mingi was, of course, going to be the one to tease Wooyoung, knowing how nervous and stressed he’d been all day.

This boy was so fidgety when nervous, grabbing the camera I handed it over to Mingi. “Come on, the sun will start setting, and I think the golden hour is perfect timing to take these to display how good looking Woo and I are. Giving him a wink before having him stand next to me.

An hour went by way too fast, Mingi had taken dozens of photos and decided to do more as the sun set. Wooyoung relaxed quickly as Mingi and even Yeosang gave us intrusions on how we should pose, where to look, where our hands should be, and basically everything else. Believe it or not, these two together might be more bossy than Hongjoong and Seonghwa together. That thought alone is beyond terrifying.

“Sleep, I’ll wake you up when we get home, Woo. You did so well today. I'm proud of you.”I give Wooyoung a small reassuring smile. Once we were finally done and back in Mingi’s car, I noticed Wooyoung was dozing off. Reaching up, I helped guide him to rest his head on my shoulder.

Mingi glanced in the review mirror, raising his eyebrow at me when our eyes met. I gave him the finger before closing my eyes and letting myself rest. I didn’t expect today to be as long and tiring as it was, but one thing was for sure this was the most fun I think any of us had in a while. There were things Wooyoung didn’t know about yet, which made me feel guilty about it. Such as us knowing who Changbin was already, how we knew who’d hurt him that one night.

Wooyoung had no clue that Changbin was working with another group like us but ended up our enemy. I hated the thought of what the man's reaction might be once he finally found the truth, but yet a part of me wished we’d just tell him already so in the future maybe Wooyoung wouldn’t be as upset with us.

When we got back home, it was Mingi. He gently woke me up. He pointed to the sleeping beauty, who was still sound asleep with his head resting on my shoulder. I knew I couldn’t get myself to wake him up just yet, so I focused on the way his lips parted, how his cheeks puffed out just a little bit, and even the small nose scrunch when he adjusted his head ever so slightly. Wooyoung was truly stunning. He even made it hard to look away even.

After a few minutes, I finally decided to wake up Wooyoung, running my fingers through his hair before leaning down close to his ear. “Wooyoungie~ wakey wakey come on cute petal.” I could hear him grumble, saying something that I honestly couldn’t understand. “I will make us some ramen, hm? Come on, sleepy head.”

“Better add a few eggs, too.” He finally spoke to me. god, his sleepy voice was so damn adorable. Nodding my head, I moved slightly when he’d sat up, watching as he winced when moving his head to the side, trying to relax his stiff neck.

”I will add them, don't worry. Go take a hot shower, though. That should help you loosen up and get washed up from all the makeup and hair products.” Sliding out of the car first, I held my hand out for him to grab. The others had already gone inside. Wooyoung got out, looking at how we were holding hands just so easily his cheeks were rosy red now. Walking inside together, I watched him go to the bathroom as I made my way to the kitchen.

“I think you two will be fine working together, Woo seemed a lot more relaxed this time. Plus don’t think we haven’t noticed the way you were looking at him. All goo goo eyes with giant hearts. Little Mountain has a crush.” Of course, Mingi was going to give me shit for showing interest in Wooyoung.

Flipping him off with a small annoyed huff as I grabbed the ramen from the top cabinet. Sure, Mingi was right about the crush, but there was no way in hell that I’d even try anything until we’d had time to get closer, and he knew more of the truth. “Yeah, yeah. Just don’t mention it to him, okay? I don’t even want to try and date anyone until Wooyoung learns about our involvement in how Changbin got hurt. Hell, I think we are all just as shocked that Hongjoong hadn’t told him on the first night.”

Focusing on cooking, I watch as Mingi walks to the counter, leaning against it. “I think Hongjoong is planning something that specifically is tied to Wooyoung. A part of me wonders if he plans to use Wooyoung against Changbin. I know it sounds fucked, but honestly it would be one way to make Stray Kids fall weak. I think Wooyoung knows most of them even though he has no clue what they truly do ya know… So seeing him with us might shock them. I know Wooyoung and Changbin recently fought because Woo half told him about what he was doing now and that he’d quit his job.”

Mingi opened a bottle of water before looking at me before he spoke again. “Wooyoung came to me to talk afterwards. He’d cried for a while because he sees Changbin as a brother more than his best friend. I don’t want to think about his reaction once he learns the truth. Part of me wants to hide it forever. Though I know he’d take it better then maybe Yunho and Yeosang, those two have such gentle hearts.”

Both of us stayed quiet until Wooyoung walked over looking at the food, smiling before he went to the fridge to pull out a cola. “Feel’s nice to not cook for once since I’ve joined the group.” Of course he was only teasing, his dimples showing as the male smiled at me. My heart started to beat fast, damn I wasn’t prepared for his cute smile. “I’ll grab the bowls for us since it looks like everything is almost done.”

After the 3 of us ate Mingi said he was going to go out for a bit, the others were all gone as well doing their daily things or just enjoying the day off basically. Wooyoung and I had decided to go up to my room to watch Lucifer even though it was a foreign show we both had picked since it was being recommended through Netflix. We brought up snacks, drinks, and Wooyoung brought his own pillow to lay on.

After a handful of episodes we were both wide awake, I'd notice how Wooyoung would get all shy or blush when sexual things had appeared which was difficult to not laugh at honestly.

“I'm telling you, San he’s a damn douche! He betrayed her and had the biggest damn lie! Ugh. Honestly though Lucifer is so much better for Chloe, Though Maze, now I lowkey wish there was more on her. Then again we are like… 9 episodes into this so probably more will happen. Though I'm just saying if she doesn't learn the truth about detective douche I'll be mad as fuck.” Wooyoung went on a small rant of the show, though I silently agreed with him that Lucifer and Chloe were cute together. Letting out a yawn I glanced over to my watch, it was already 2am now. I'm surprised no one bothered us but noticing Wooyoung starting to yawn I decided to call it a night.

“We can watch more tomorrow, it's time to sleep though. I forgot we needed to be awake by 7am tomorrow since Hongjoong wants us to work on our cardio. Damn man wants us to suffer.” I sat up and stretched out my arms, grabbing our trash before getting up and tossing it in the bin. I noticed the small pout the other had as he got up, he stretched out before walking over to the door.

“Remind me why I agreed to this?” he asked, clearly not amused with the plans that were made for us in the morning.

“Because Hwa scared you and you said you needed change. Things will be fine though, we can work out for a bit then go get chicken hm? A reward for you working hard.” I tried to make him feel a little better plus something more to look forward to.

Wooyoung took a moment before nodding in agreement. “Only if you are paying Sannie.”

Rolling my eyes at him as I opened my door I just nod, “Yeah, yeah, I'll spoil our pretty Wooyoungie I promise.” holding my pinkie out to lock with his. Once they were locked together and we sealed the deal I noticed how big his smile was now.

“Goodnight Sannie.”

“Sleep well petal.”

#fanfic #ateez #ateez fanfic #cross posted on ao3 #cross posted on wattpad #hongjoong #mingi #park seonghwa #jongho #seonghwa #straykids #changbin

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smalife1234 · 15 days

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It's our 6th weekly smiles!! I can't believe we've made it this far on Tumblr 🥹!!

What made me smile this week?

Monday, 9/2/24 - today, we had the day off because it was Labor Day! And it is my favorite month! It is Spinal Cord Injury Awareness Month! And also my third human year as a Quadriplegic! Which for me is baffling to me! Sadly, the day didn't end well. Luz, our friend, ended up feeling sick and not feeling well! She had bad back pain! But we chilled for the day and slightly slept in knowing I could enjoy those few minutes of sleep without being panicked by time! That made me smile!

Tuesday, 9/3/24 - today we went back to school! And this week is shorter! Yay, so that's fun. In the first period, I continued working on my online assignments, and then we got a bunch of papers, but I didn't do any of them (don't worry, they're not due this week). At 9:30 Am, I got called for senior pictures! I walk in there all nervous but come to find the people are pretty enlightening! So that made me smile! (Keep in mind Matthew only got these senior pictures) But first, Matthew Tucker and Sydney all got their indoor photos. Many poses and pictures were done! (And surprisingly I don't think y'all know Matthew wears glasses!) But there were some shots of him that needed his glasses removed and we cannot wait to see those images once they're ready! We then head outside and get their outdoor photos! They had a blast knowing Sydney struggled to figure out how to sit in the chair lol. All in all, it was hectic yet fun, and we enjoyed missing most of the second period! Lol, and also, I started my period today, which is fun! I mainly chart this because of endocrinology information since they ask me these types of questions and I've always been bad at remembering! So I'm smiling knowing I'm taking better care of my health! We soon went home and enjoyed our night.

Wednesday, 9/4/24 - this morning I woke up in a pretty good mood! And then I chilled on the bus for a while. In the first period, I had to work on a very confusing assignment, which basically talked to the teacher about it, and I decided I'd work on it tomorrow! In the second period, I chilled as we got some notes and assignments we had to work on. Sadly, this assignment was pretty difficult as well, and it was hard to work on, but soon I got it done, and it went well! Then in the third, I got all my work done and had a pretty ok-ish salad, and then in the fourth, we chilled and talked about a really weird subject. Lol, today made me smile!

Thursday, 9/5/24 - today I sadly woke up with symptoms of feeling sick! Like runny nose and coughing! So that scared me a bit. I continued working on my assignment and actually started labeling some of the sticky notes that were required to label the large mannequin. I soon got the hang of it! I started labeling the mannequin. Sadly, I only got two things labeled, lol, so that was fun. Then, in the second period, we had a sub and started working on a worksheet! That was very long lol! But I got some of it complete (don't worry, it wasn't due until Tomorrow!). Then, in the third, we chilled and just learned about our brains! And how it can lie to us again that was super cool! In fourth I was pretty tired because I was feeling semi ok! I was scared I was going to get sick, but by the end of the day, we chilled for a while! And slept most of that night

Friday, 9/6/24 - today I sadly woke up sick and super congested! I could barely talk without my throat hurting and it sucked! On the bus, I kept coughing. Thankfully, I had thought the congestion had gone away in the first period. I was all right, but I was still coughing and sniffing! But I actually got my mannequin fully labeled and got my labeling sheets fully filled out! And colored coded it made me proud that I got all that work done! I was only two hours into my chemo session so I was pretty impressed with how well I was doing! Lol. Then, for the rest of the class, I worked on skeleton labeling and drew some magnification of muscles and tissues! I think I did ok! Then, in the second period, we had a sub who will now be our permanent substitute because we found out that Mrs. Mauney was having a baby! And that Monday, we'll get information, or however many days pass, we will get more news as our substitute gets it! We enjoyed the class as it was pretty chill. Sadly, we had a quiz on Matter and density! I think I did ok then I finished the rest of that worksheet sadly my back was killing me and my throat was not feeling great :/ that didn't make me smile! At lunch, I kept coughing but enjoyed my salad 🥗. Then, in the third period, we chilled and did a sheet that required us to answer questions from different websites. It was super easy, and I got it done by the end of class! Then, in the fourth period, we were doing notes, but I felt so tired and drained and kept coughing my lungs out; my throat hurt, and my back hurt more than anything! It was really miserable! But I was grateful it was fourth period and Friday so I could deal with this sickness in peace. Later on at home, I basically sat and chilled most of the day and then headed to bed around 8:03 P.m., which is not normal for me, so I definitely knew that the cold wore me out! Today was exhausting but it also made me smile!

Saturday, 9/7/24 - today, I woke up at 8:00 Am not normal for me, considering I almost always wake up around six in the morning. I sat on Instagram most of the day and continued coughing my lungs out. My throat hurt less today than it did yesterday, and luckily, the back roller trick I did yesterday or last night had worked, and my back pain, for the most part, was mainly gone! So that was good! And then I ate ramen that day and two bags of Takis the whole day, so my appetite wasn't completely shot, but it also wasn't that great either. I mainly took a chill day, to be honest, considering I had just gotten sick and I just had chemotherapy! But during my chill day, which wasn't a lot of work, we brought in a Walmart order, and then Matthew had to dump a whole thing of moldy food! Not fun at all and then he had to dump old peppers out! Again, it was not fun. Then we did laundry, and then we went to bed around nine p.m. Today was very boring yet chill, and it was exactly what I needed! Today made me smile!

Sunday, 9/8/24 - today, I woke up around 8:00 Am again, so not normal, but I am happy to report I am feeling much better! I do have a runny/blogged nose, but my throat barely hurts, and my back is not even sore! I'm glad I did most of my recovery at home, and I believe I only need two more days, and hopefully, I'll be back up and moving! Only time will tell. In the morning, I mainly chilled on Instagram, where I've been finding myself recently. Then, around 10 or 11:00 Am, we did some laundry and chilled. We mainly watched shows and casually relaxed! We were laughing at how floppy my body was and how horrendous our friend Luz's burp was! It was so hilarious, and then we saw Donny's old self (outfit) and tried to fit it in his wheelchair (and no, sadly, we don't have a picture). It went horribly wrong and sent everyone into abrupt laughter! Then, later in the day, we got some yummy pizza with pepper flakes! And Parmesan cheese (don't hate until you try it!) was very good. Matthew and Emmie had 5 slices well, almost 5! I had a few bites since I cannot chew pizza very well! But my few bites were delicious! I got a new outfit and enjoyed the chill afternoon watching shows with my baba and my babe drinking beer 🍻! Lol, we had a nice night, and now I'm going to end the entry here! Thanks for reading this whole week, and I'll see y'all next week. This whole day and week made me smile!

What made you smile this week?

Img desc #1: shows the tall mannequin skeleton with some blue labelings.

Img desc #2: shows Emmie smiling on a cruise near a glass wall with a brown handrail Emmie is seen wearing a pair of black sunglasses 🕶️ and a green short-sleeved shirt and blue jeans she is smiling while sitting in her electric wheelchair

Img desc #3: Matthew and Tucker are seen facing back to back. Matthew, seen on the left of the image, is seen smiling while his head is tilted back towards Tucker's head. He has a dark green buttoned-up long-sleeved shirt, and his hands are cuffed around his bicep area. He is standing near Tucker, giving a big smile. On Matthew's face is a pair of bulkyish pair of transparent glasses. Tucker, seen right of the image, is seen with his arms crossed, his hands cuffing around his biceps. His head is tilted back. He is wearing a white long-sleeved buttoned shirt and a golden and black colored blazer with a golden and black bowtie. There is a wooden background behind them. They are smiling very brightly.

Img desc #4: the large mannequin is seen standing on a grey desk with a few blue labels taped to the mannequin.

Img desc #5: doc is seen smiling slightly with her face red from coughing and sneezing all day. She is wrapped comfortably in Emmie's hoodie, grey sweatpants, and white socks. On Doc's lap is a big puffy pillow. A big brown pillow is seen behind her weak floppy Head!. She is very comfy!

Img desc #6: doc and Emmie are seen smiling in the dark near a building Emmie seen right of the image is seen smiling in her electric wheelchair wearing a white short sleeved buttoned up shirt with beige colored squares designed on her shirt paired with her shirt is beige colored shorts. Emmie's hands are propped up by her electric wheelchair. Doc who is seen left of the image is seen in her electric wheelchair and smiling while wearing a brown colored short sleeved shirt and black skinny jeans and brown shoes she is smiling big!

Img desc #7: doc is seen looking shocked while wearing a grey short sleeved shirt and grey colored sweatpants! She is seen near a group of friends and a glass transparent door.

Img desc #8: doc and Emmie is seen smiling doc is seen beaming with excitement! And seen wearing a black short sleeved shirt and grey sweatpants Emmie her wife seen wearing a white short sleeved shirt and smiling in her manual wheelchair they are seen near trees and a beautiful sunset 🌇.

Img desc #9: doc is seen asleep in a car with her head strap (she barely needs this as of right now but she is getting close and we wanted her to be comfy) her back was sore and her throat hurt and she kept sneezing sadly not a fun day! She is seen wearing a pink Hawaiian themed Short sleeved shirt and beige colored shorts her eyes are closed and she's fully conked out!

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dollsonmain · 1 year

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This surgery has been very different than the last one and that's funny because I basically got the same surgery all over again PLUS a more different extra surgery.

(plus other blather)

First Surgery I was very irritated (burning and pain in urethra) and up all night having to use the bathroom painfully every 30 minutes for the first 3 nights, then getting longer and longer periods of sleep before having to get up. This Time I got up once around 3:30 which is almost making it all the way through the night since That Guy's alarm goes off at 4. I'm not feeling any of the irritation from the first time, just discomfort from the right stent again.

FS BIG, BIG pain flare in the night, once home needed the heat bear to get to sleep every night. TT nothing unexpected or unbearable. Left kidney got a little warm for a bit but that passed. Right side uncomfortable from the stent but not as bad as it had been once the old one calcified which might happen again. Didn't need the heat bear. -This may have to do with the timing of coming home vs surgery time and I may start having more pain as time goes on today and tomorrow. The discomfort is already building a bit. Zap zap.

FS occasional loss of bladder control for the first two days. TT no problems, there. Wore the depends on the way home but didn't need to use the restroom at all until bed time, and wore one overnight but didn't need it. That Guy insists that's because I'm dehydrated despite having been on IV fluids, when it's just less irritation and no loss of bladder control.

FS I was pretty much out once the anesthesiologist gave me the fentanyl, though I remember talking to the people in the OR, them saying I was drunk, me saying I don't drink alcohol, and the anesthesiologist saying that explained why I was laughing so much, it was my first time being drunk. I didn't move myself to the operating table because I was unable and remember them putting the mask on my face, then nothing until I woke up. TT I was still fully aware and mobile when I got to the operating room, moved myself from the PACU bed to the operating table, was able to lift my legs to assist with putting the calf cuffs on, was not laughing like a goof, remember the mask, a nurse saying something like "Ok, here we go." and then nothing. The nurse said I wouldn't remember any of that. One of the nurses talked to me like I was 5 and it was weird.

FS I was fully awake when they went to put me under despite having not slept in a few days. TT I was half asleep already even though I'd slept the night before. It was around 2pm and I'm always sleepy at 2pm.

FS when I was coming out of anesthesia there were colorful rectangles everywhere in my vision and I remember trying and struggling to speak, talking about the rectangles. A nurse said "You're waking up" once I managed to say "Rectangles" out loud and then I was awake pretty soon after that if a little disoriented. TT That Guy says I was the last person left for the day and everyone was trying to get me to wake up so they could go home. Nurse kept coming by and saying my name and I struggled to rouse. I didn't say anything (at least not while I was awake enough to be aware of speaking), just couldn't wake up fully. I didn't wake up fully until I'd been home a few hours, but then had to drag myself to bed, exhausted.

Armchair diagnosis but I think my urologist might be autistic. He's very straightforward saying things like "Anesthesia is safer than going on the highway so don't worry. I mean, you COULD die." and like "This surgery is pretty simple. I COULD poke a hole in your ureter but that's not likely." things you might expect a doctor to mince words on a bit.

He was having a conversation with another doctor out in the middle of the PACU where the nurses' station and doctors' PCs were about prostate exams and the other doctor was being kind of crude about it (he'd been going around being crude and loud the whole time) and my doc was again being very straightforward and explaining the other doc's anecdotes about how he reacted to it. The other said ONE drop of semen came out, and my doc was like "You likely had a stream of semen through your ureter as opposed to one drop and peed it out later." When my doc left, the other was like "He's really serious...."

At one point That Guy brought up the discrepancy in the cost of the antibiotics and the doc started going on about how messed up the US health care system is. Doc said that some pharmacies charge more than others so while we're doing medical stuff in Next Town Over, we'll just use the hospital's pharmacy since we'll be there anyway. Bonus that it's a drive-up pharmacy so I don't have to walk through the walmart in agony to get meds.

He told me that he doesn't like to wear flip flops because he can't stand the feeling of something between his toes and that his wife thinks he has sensory issues.

He also loved the Barbie Movie. His four daughters asked to go see it and he liked it a lot. That's not part of the armchair diagnosis, I just found that interesting. Both That Guy and the other male nurse were like "Ew misandry" but he was like no it was great you should see it.

All of this makes me like him and trust him a bit more as a doctor.

He keeps saying I'm small and I'm confused by that, but I guess most of his patients are elders and/or male.

I've had a lump growing on my arm for as long as I can remember that I thought might be a tumor and suddenly got bigger and harder the past few months but now that I've been on antibiotics for a few weeks it's gotten smaller and softer again, so I guess that's a cyst.

That Guy said the doctor told him to tell me to reduce my antibiotics to once a day after I remove the left stent tomorrow. That seems illogical considering how antibiotics work, and the after care instructions say to make sure I take the antibiotics the day before and the day of removal and that there are no changes to my medications, so I'm going to have to call the office and ask about it. I've learned not to take That Guy at his word.

#tiffygotsick

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potpiehead · 10 months

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tried to fall asleep around 10:30 last night by laying across the two seats basically in fetal position. Woke up freezing cold and with a splitting headache. Went and put fleece tights under my sweatpants and also put on wool socks over my regular socks under my shoes but I realize now my shoes are not big enough for that and the tops of my feet were numb by the time I woke up 🥴 did a lot of switching positions, waking up after 30 mins - 1 hour, switch positions again. I think my longest stretch of sleep was 3 or 4 hours. I'm gonna grab breakfast soon. supposed to arrive at my stop at around 2 pm today. I regret not bringing a blanket even though I don't have room anyway lol

#🚄

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skinimini80 · 1 year

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Ok ok I wasn’t gonna post but I feel like a fraud if I only show my best (even my best is pure misery but that’s ed life for you)

I was so hungry when I woke up incredibly early yesterday. I ate my omad.

I was able to sleep after the omad, but I had class so I took a nap.

I went to class, came back and ate more food.

Basically I b/ped all my safe food for the week.

I got creative with it too. I was so down bad for a binge I found some old ass brown rice and a jar of tomatoes and some sauce packets and made a bowl of rice-tomato-bbq bullshit.

It tasted good lowkey but it wasn’t even the point.

I ate it and threw it up. I wanted something good so I cracked open my meager savings and bought some pizza (and breadsticks and brownies, and a second pizza).

I b/ped that too. I had a meeting to go to so I ended the session. I cleaned up and drank water as usual. I felt proud I only spent 60$. Do I have that kind of money in the first place? No. Do I have any food for the rest of the week? No. Am I literally forced to fast for like 5 days? Yeah!

Anyways I came home from the meeting, intending to go to bed because it would be my omad and a purge, which in my eyes is in my calorie limit because I purge very well and usually lose over time with like several of them mixed into my restriction.

Not great. But ok, salvageable.

But wait. There’s more.

I took a shower and in said shower decided I was very hungry and wanted to keep down a safe meal to sleep. Normally fine, but I had already eaten before this whole ordeal. It would knock me out of my deficit!

Still I did. I broke into my savings even more (I have none left so better hope nothing happens) and ordered dinner. It tasted ok. It honestly feels great in my system rn. I slept 11 hours. I actually had to force myself up for class.

Anyways minimum, I’m fasting the next 5 days cause I don’t have money. I’ll be in the clear calories wise after one day (today) but I’ll feel less guilty after two days. It’s fine. I wanna treat myself for an upcoming celebration. For said celebration I want to have around 4000 cals at my disposal that I don’t have to purge. That means 3-4 days of liquid fasting in the span of two weeks. Add the extra day and that’s 4-5. If I can knock these out right now I’ll feel better. Also ALSO i wanna get that fasting mindset again of the process itself is lowkey fun. It’s not fun most of it, but those moments when you feel the motivation surge in your body and you know ur gonna wake up lighter are the best.

Also i don’t know my weight rn cause… I’ll be fasting it doesn’t matter. All I need to know is my well fed, out of deficit weight is 114.6. It was that Monday morning after an unplanned metabolism day (no purging or anything like that).

#tw ana shit #ed not sherran #tw ana diary #tw ana fast #tw disordered eating #anorex14 #bul1m14 #ana trigger #anorexcya #bulimima

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boowhumps · 1 year

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|WHUMPRIL 2023|

|Day 7 ~ Unsteady|

(@whumpril)

⚠TW⚠

- Swearing

- Mention of Needles

----------------

As soon as I woke up I knew that today was not going to be a good day.

Waking up late was the first bad thing, since it caused me to miss breakfast.

I barely managed to make it to my first class on time, and then I remembered the quiz we had that day, so there's bad thing #2.

Bad thing #3 was forgetting a jacket when the weather forecast said it would rain.

And bad thing #4 was the migraine I had basically all day.

And as soon as the dreadful day was almost over, bad thing #5 began.

My migrane went away and was replaced with an unsteady feeling. Every step I took was wobbly. I felt really light-headed.

I still went around the house cleaning, cooking dinner, studying, yet this feeling wouldn't leave me.

Even once Kaiden got home hours later the feeling persisted.

"Hey.." Said Kaiden, his eyes studying me. "Are you alright? You look pale."

"Fine." I mumbled, even though I was clearly not fine. "You can go take a shower.. I'll clean up a bit."

I forced my body through cleaning up the kitchen even with the feeling that I was going to fall over.

Once the kitchen was clean I finally accepted that I wasn't ok in the slithtest, but by then it was too late.

As I walked into the living room to sit for a bit, everything started spinning like some weird fair ride.

My vision was blurred with black spots and my body went limp. I found that lost consciousness before I even hit the floor..

-----------------

I slowly felt myself coming to my senses, my ears picking up the sound of a muffled voice.

"-can you hear me?"

I groan escaped my lips and I brought my arms up to cover my eyes.

Since when were the lights so damn.. bright?

"Oh thank god, I was about to call an ambulance." I heard Kaiden sigh in relief.

"Are you crazy..?" I groan. "The last thing I need is.. a bunch of needles in me as I lay in a hospital bed.."

"Yeah yeah.." He mumbles.

I open my eyes slightly to see his concerned face staring at me.

"Ok Karyme.. What the hell happened?" He asks.

I stare at him blanky.

"Nothin'.."

He sighs into his hands like a disappointed father.

"What do you mean nothing.? Passing out is not nothing."

I blink my eyes at him.

"Nothin'.. serious.. I pass out all the time.."

He looks at me with a 'why are you like this?' look.

"Yes.. I know that, but you never pass out like this. Something's clearly wrong."

I groan again and shut my eyes.

"Calm down Grammy Nominee.."

A confused "eh" sound is all I hear before another loud sigh.

"Geez.. You really are out of it, huh?"

I cover my ears.

"Shut up.. Stop screaming.."

I earn yet another sigh from Kaiden.

"No one is screaming- you know what.. Just go back to sleep. It'll make you feel better."

I snort as his tone.

"Okay dad.."

He huffs in offence at my teasing.

"Call me dad again and we're gonna have issues."

I open my eyes to look at him and put my hand up to cover his mouth.

"Shhhhhh, I'm sleeping." I say as I close my eyes and uncover his mouth.

He sighs for the millionth time.

"Ugh.. What am I gonna do with you..?"

I find myself falling back asleep before I could give a snarky comeback.

Lucky lucky.

#whump #whumpril #whump writing #day 7 done!!!#i posted this at 12 so its technically the next day but idc #this is really rushed as well sonce i had no idea what to write.#ill make sure day 8 is better than this lol #we need a counter for how many times Kaiden sighs in this

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watery-melon-baller · 1 year

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uh 19, 26, 27(i think this one would be funny), 44 and 50 if you don't mind?

ty for the ask!!

19. imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails?

absolutely. i would paint ur fingernails and do a mediocre job bc im not great at it but id try to do a fun color combo cause i cant do cool designs and one single color is boring. something sparkly for sure

26. a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times?

ohhh. hmmmm. a billion scenarios. i love picking random scenss from myau and replaying that billions of times and then moving onto another one. current one on the brain is for my toh reverse au specifically the adult luz vs belos confrontation in the s1 finale where shes basically like fuck you straight to hell i know youre full of shit and also a HUGE fucking liar whos lying about the day of unity and hes like what the fuck you know too many of my secrets. get petrified (at sundown)

27. about how many hours of sleep did you get?

you ask me this. during finals week. im gonna give yu a rundown of how much ive slept actually this whole week acutallly

lets see. sunday night went to bed aroun 3-4am, woke up at 6:30am monday (2 hours)

monday night/tuesday morning went to bed around 5am? woke up at 11am (4 hours)

tuesday night took a 12am to 2pm nap. felt weirs and couldnt sleep until 6am then woke up at 10am weds morning. was sick and unwell and went back to bed at 12pm and then woke up at 5pm. (10 hours)

wedsnay night i pulled an all nighter! i went to bed thursday morning at 9am and woke up around 3pm :( i was tring to wke up around 12 but slept in. (6 hours)

then thursday i pulled. another all nighter. went to bed this friday morning around 8am and woke up at 10:30. i did my two finals and then took a nap from 7-8:30 so thats. uh 3 hours for today.

in total: 25 hours of sleep this week. uhhh i think ur supposed to get like. at least 40 hours a week. lmao. im so healthy

44. you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it?

ooooh tempting. so many people i want to kill (i think if i had the death note i would do infinetly better then light hes such a pussy weak bitch) but i think id go for elon. or jk rowling. might have to sit down and reserahc whos actually doing the Most harm but for now elons dying first

50. can i tag you in random stuff?

yes you CAN i love being taghed in random shit.

#ask game #lilac post #im so fucking tired im gonna pass out for ten billion hours #ask

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pbandjesse · 2 years

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It was a grey and rainy day. We just finished watching Over the Garden Wall. It was a lovely fall day.

I slept okay. And woke up in a good mood. Though I did not want to get up. Because it was stupid cold in here. It's supposed to stop raining and warm up a little again. But man. It is hard to get going and leave the coziness of the bed.

But James convinced me that after we deal either bureaucracy we could get back in bed. That seemed like a fair compromise.

So I got up and got dressed. I loved this outfit. I will pack it for our minimoon for sure.

We left here with our umbrellas and our passports. I was nervous but James held it together. We had to find parking downtown and with the rain it was a little tough finding a spot. We ended up finding one that was a legal spot at 10. So we had to wait for a few minutes so we could pay for the spot.

And then we headed to the courthouse. I realized I forgot my pocket knife in my bag but thankfully they didn't notice when we went through the security point. The two guards were so nice and excited for us. They were like!! You have the money right?? And we were like yes!! And they told us to go to the 6th floor.

We double checked we knew what room at the endt security point. And took the elevator.

You aren't allowed to talked pictures anywhere. There were so many signs. So I had to stop myself. But we were basically the only ones there. A nice older man was finishing up and apparently had gotten married on Sunday. He was filing their paperwork. We exchanged congratulations and filled out our application.

The woman was pretty monotone but nice enough. We double checked everything and got to raise our right hands and swear things were correct. And I was excited! This was exciting!

We sat together to wait for the packet to be printed. And then we got our license!! We are allowed to get married now. Well not for 48 hours. Which makes me laugh that that's a rule but I get it. And now we can get married next Friday and everything is great.

We headed back out into the rain. The security guys congratulated us again. And we got to the car.

I asked if we could go have lunch at the diner because it's never open when we are off from the museum because it closes at 3. So James said yes and we went over there.

And the food was good but half way through I got really nauseated. My stomach hurt very very bad. It would pass by the time we got to the car but it was not fun. I couldn't finish my food. I finished my sandwich but not my eggs or fries or drink. Which made me feel wasteful but James said it was okay.

We had things to do still! The only thing left on my list was boosters. So we headed to the state center and there was no line there either! Rainy days are great for bureaucracy apparently. And we got our shots. The woman who did mine was so nice. We chatted about the wedding and how I always having weird vaccine side effects. She hoped I wouldn't have any this time. We'll see what happens.

Me and James waited the 15 minutes. Just scrolled on our phones. And then we headed home.

I got changed when we got back. I accidentally ripped the strap on my dress. So I stood in my stocking in my studio sewing them so they could get washed today when James did the whites. And then I grabbed a sweatshirt and got in bed.

I didn't sleep. I just wanted to chill. James had other chores. They headed out to see their parents and help with a computer issue. And then went to the tailor to see if their coat could be fixed and it will be done by Tuesday so that is excellent and exciting. And I just cuddled up in bed.

When James did get home I was freezing. And James came and held me for a while. Got me another blanket. And eventually I did fall asleep. I don't actually know when so I'm not sure how long I slept but I woke up at 4 and felt pretty alright. No fever or anything. Just sore.

I worked on little menu cards I have decided we need for the wedding. And James made me a baked potato. I texted with Jess and hung out in the couch. It was nice.

At 730 I took a shower. I used my new body oil and felt great. And then me and James got in bed. It was nice hearing the rain and cuddling with Sweetp and watching Over the Garden Wall. We had a snack break in the middle. I love that show. It's perfect atmospheric narrative for the fall.

And now it is time for bed. James is back to work tomorrow. I hope to clean the apartment and do a bunch of sewing and bears and maybe plan a new print. We will have to see.

Goodnight everyone. Take care of each other. Stay warm!!

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jodilin65 · 33 years

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THURSDAY, JANUARY 31, 1991 God, I am so tired. I fell asleep at 9:00 and sure enough, I woke up at 1:00 after sleeping 4 hours. I woke up sneezing and blowing my nose. My lungs don’t feel bad and I’d rather wake up to sneeze and blow my nose rather than coughing and wheezing.

Andy came over saying he thinks he may be catching a cold and I hope that doesn’t worsen mine cuz you know how weak my immune system is.

I need to try to quit smoking again soon and also go see Dr. McGovern. I need more Theodur and I guess I’ll also discuss allergy shots. I wish I could do the natural cure by quitting smoking permanently!

Russ called tonight sounding sincere again saying he’d really like to resolve our dispute. I told him once again that if he’s willing to drop it, I’ll drop it and that I surely do not plan to live here forever. I also told him that for the last 3 days, it hasn’t been bad in here cuz it’s been a little warmer outside, but as soon as it gets bitter cold out, it gets cold in here. I reminded him again that I, and the other tenants, wouldn’t complain for no reason and hopefully it sank in this time and he’ll give up on his spite tricks. But as long as he’s gonna push the eviction, I’m gonna push small claims court. If anything, he owes me money that I’ve paid for the heat that was supposed to be included in my rent that I never got.

Boy, is it ever windy out now. It sounds like someone’s screaming.

I really do need to try and go back to sleep, so first I’ll make coffee, smoke a butt, listen to a little music, and then I should be more than ready.

Tomorrow I’ve got to go to Food Fart.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 30, 1991 Andy better hurry up. His show starts at 1:00. If he’s not here, I’ll record it. He’s supposedly coming over with

Later…

I was interrupted before cuz the phone rang and two seconds before Andy’s show came on he walked in. His show wasn’t on anyway cuz of the Gulf War update. He was pissed and I don’t blame him cuz that’s what the news hour is for. They shouldn’t keep interrupting the shows. News belongs on the news.

He’ll be here for 6 hours editing his tapes.

I got a call from Martha and I am going to see her later at 4:00.

Later…

I’m glad I went to therapy after all. I got a lot of shit off my chest. We basically discussed how I view myself and how others view me. I told her how and why I thought I was a quality person who may appear goofy and playful but is mature and good at knowing other people’s characters. We talked about how there are many types of people that I dislike, but I still understand why they’re the way they are.

I also discussed how I get the types that are loud, obnoxious and desperate or the geeky shy types that can’t speak for themselves and aren’t firm enough when they need to be. I told her I need someone more outspoken and loving and understanding, yet as rough and as tough as they need to be.

My sister called. I told her if worse came to worse she could check out apartments for me.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 29, 1991 Yesterday I woke up feeling like shit. I was really congested. I took my asthma pill and some Dimetapp and Brenda gave me some Anthramycin which is an antibiotic. As long as I eat a little before taking it, it doesn’t play with my stomach.

Yesterday I woke up at 7:30am. Today I woke up at 6am. Nice, huh? Now wait till I have to perform this Friday night. But my point is that even though I woke up with a coughing fit after I’d slept 4 hours like I usually do, I woke up later feeling great! The antibiotic really helped with my congestion. I haven’t sneezed yet and haven’t blown my nose 5,000 times.

I’ve had half a cigarette though and I’m gonna do the 2-3 a day thing rather than 5-6 to really lower my nicotine level and try quitting again. Kim offered me 5 bucks a day if I quit. That does make it more encouraging, besides the idea of being able to breathe and sing without clearing my throat or sneezing.

Speaking of my voice, God is it really developing! I’m really getting to be quite a good singer. It gets more and more brilliant and vibrant.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 27, 1991 Russ came over yesterday before noon. He asked me to write down every time it got cold and what the temperature was after putting a thermometer in each room.

He told me he was prepared for the judge to allow me to stay until October but that he hoped it wouldn’t come down to court. There’s nothing solid or valid he could do or say in court, and I told him I would move when I’m ready to move.

Tomorrow, I’m going to call legal aid.

Later…

I was over at Brenda and Bonny’s place and I played them the edits I made early this morning. They’re not bad. I gave Bonny this T-shirt she liked and she gave me a denim mini-skirt. She also gave me little bulletin boards in the shape of the letters L and R. L and R can stand for Linda Ronstadt.

Kim will be here any moment for a sign language lesson.

Lisa, the girl I met at the Pub said she’s home all the time. Well, she must have her ringer off if she did give me the right number cuz I tried 4 times and there’s no answer. She’ll have to call me.

I’m starting to get a little tired. I hope Bill’s not here too long. Also, Andy needs to bring over my videotape along with his so I can record his show.

Later…

I’ve had a great day today. Bonny and I have gotten to be pretty good friends. “It’s better than fighting,” like she said.

Andy and I had a nice visit although the woman he’s renting from is really treating him like shit. He’s moving back in with his parents by Valentine’s Day.

Bill, Andy and I had a nice talk, and I played them my new edition of the edits.

I’m beat cuz I’ve been up since 2am, so I should sleep quite well. I just hope that none of these fucking street animals wake me up.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 26, 1991 Andy and I performed tonight. Neither of us won, but it was fun just the same. The audience and the judges didn’t dislike us, but we both felt we were nothing special and could’ve been better.

It amazes me how many people I know. People came up to me before the show and talked to me that I didn’t even know that knew me from previous shows. This one guy remembered when I signed and said that was “fierce.” I saw tons of people I knew who complimented me after the show and I was also complimented by people I didn’t know. Raven was there along with Emie, Loopie, Candy, Jasmine, Miles, W.C., Scott, Rachel, Dedra and at least 20 or more other people I know.

I met this incredibly feminine girl named Lisa who gave me her number if it’s the right one. I wasn’t too impressed with her hair which was short on top and spiked with a long tail in the back. Her body and her face were beautiful, though. She’s not bi either, she’s just gay.

Last year, though, I would really be into her and meeting others. I used to be so eager. Now my heart’s just not in it like it used to be. There’s still a great part of me saying, “All I want now is to be alone and I’m not even quite ready yet for a one-night stand.”

I saw 3 other girls who were even more gorgeous, and yes, I would do a one-nighter with them right away (one at a time, of course). One was straight, as usual. The other 2 were a couple, also as usual. They were so feminine, though, and each one had such nice long dark hair.

Also, I chatted with the cops.

Later…

I broke down in tears thinking about this shit with Russ and finally said to myself that I was going to put an end to this either the easy way or the hard way. So I called Russ and asked to speak to him. He said sure and sounded very friendly and sincere. I figured he’d more or less have nothing to say to me.

Anyway, I said to him, “How can you be so cruel and vindictive when you never were before? You’ve done me favors such as not having me pay last month’s rent and got me movers. So why are you so eager to see me out on the streets when you know I have nothing, no money, no family and nowhere to go? I have never hurt anyone or anything and I don’t know what you can say in court or if this is a tax-related thing or what. You even said so yourself that it would get cold in here when it got bitter cold outside and you know there have been several other tenants complaining. If you’d stop putting temperature recorders in here that say it’s a temperature it’s not, then I’ll forget about taking legal action if you’re willing to drop this and turn up the heat.”

He sounded friendly, as I said, and said he’d like to stop up and see me sometime before noon. I’ve no idea what he’s planning, but I’ll write about it once I know.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 25, 1991 Shadow’s climbing all over me. I swear this cat is so affectionate and loving. He follows me everywhere. I should’ve named him Glue instead. Earlier I was running around the living room with him. We have several games we play.

I spoke to Andy a little while ago for the second time. I told him I’d record his show for him on one of my tapes.

The reason I’ve been sleeping during the day, which of course is never hard to do, is cuz as I mentioned before, Andy and I are performing at the Pub a noche.

Andy told me another bizarre thing. First, let me back up and mention Angie. I don’t think I did mention her. A while back, not even a month ago, we went to the Pub and I eyed this girl, she seemed prettier than usual and had Andy speak to her for me. When he came back to where I was sitting he said she was a rude bitch. He said she said, “Well, after I dump this asshole I’ll think about it.”

She was with another girl. Angie was totally smashed and the next part of the story will tell you so.

As Andy and I were leaving at closing time, we walked by Angie and her girlfriend and Andy goes, “Now, here’s the better-looking girl,” and she saw me and insisted I come back to the bar. She hadn’t seen what I looked like till then.

Now here’s the sad but typical part. Especially for a bar person and a fairly good-looking one. She screamed out so the whole bar could hear, “Will you lick my pussy?” Then she did the usual trick people do and gave me the wrong phone number.

What’s bizarre is that Andy was cutting through this Laundromat to his mother’s store that I’ve been to before, and it turns out Angie works there. That Laundromat is a dump. I used to go there when I lived on Oswego St.

He said he said her name to be sure and she said, “Yeah, I’m Angie. How’d you know?”

Then Andy told her, “You don’t want to know.” Andy said she had no makeup on and looked tired.

He also said that maybe God sent him to walk through there to find out where she works so I can take it from there.

I definitely don’t want a relationship nowadays with even the right person. I just wanna have fun here and there, but not with just anyone. Right now what’s most important to me and mainly on my mind is having what I’ve never had in my entire 25 years of life. Sex with someone I’m really sexually attracted to and turned on by if only for a night. I’d rather have a few one-nighters here and there even if it’s only 5 a year with someone I’m attracted to, rather than get serious with someone who doesn’t really matter.

Later…

I went through all my journals and I’ve kept journals for 3 years and 3 months now. I went through each one and wrote the entry dates on the covers. I guess that’s gonna be my new thing. I’ve written 360 days of the 3 years and 3 months’ time. On the cover of each book I wrote the month and then each day of that month that I wrote.

I think I’m gonna go lay down. It’s fucking freezing in here! That little fuck of a bastard landlord of mine. Boy, do I ever want to hound the shit out of him!

Later…

The housing people are coming on Monday and I called Mom who was being her usual bitchy self and asked if she’s heard from him, which I doubted, and she hasn’t. This shit Russ is pulling is definitely tax-related as well as to raise the rent when I’m gone. But I’m gonna be here for a while, and if Russ keeps this shit up, it’s gonna cost him more money than a profit.

A few years ago when Nellie and José pulled their crap on me by ripping me off, I brought up charges and was able to drop them over the phone after being paid back by Nellie. Well, I just tried that by calling the courthouse saying I was Jenny and it didn’t work but all is still well cuz I’m not going to court.

I will not give Jenny the satisfaction of showing up for a lousy slew of prank phone calls. Jenny got exactly what she deserved and I know lots of other people have done the same.

I haven’t heard from John R since he got fired from Mercy Hospital.

I tried calling the Laundromat where Angie works and no one’s there now but this retard janitor. Guess they don’t open till 10:00. I’ll try again soon.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 24, 1991 When I finally fell asleep I’d been up for 20 hours. I awoke at 8:30 this morning. I’m surprised I didn’t sleep longer since I couldn’t fall asleep till 4:00 this afternoon.

I called Community Care and left a message for Martha saying I wouldn’t be back. I figure how am I ever going to learn how to suppress my feelings and be independent if I continue therapy? Yes I know I’m already what most people would call mega-independent for a girl my age especially. All except for my source of income. I’m not gonna get into my income except to say yes, I’d much rather earn it by singing and someday I will but for now, I do not feel guilty. The state owes me. They fucked me over. And over. And over.

Although I’ve known all my life that being a famous singer was destined, I also knew it wouldn’t come young. I figured I’d be between the ages of 30-32. I knew it’d be fast once it all started. That may be why it’s not coming till 30-32 rather than now.

Also, I knew that the Gods had lots of learning experiences for me and survival tests lined up for me and boy have I now had 5 lifetimes of that! However, I am grateful to have learned some of the things I’ve learned. What you don’t know can hurt you or severely frustrate you or raise false hopes for you.

I am surprised Andy and Fran haven’t tried calling. Also, there was no message on the machine from Brenda.

Later…

I am going to try to stay up till 9:00 when the Western Mass legal aid office opens. I need to speak to a legal intern who’s got some advice for me. I don’t know if I wrote about it yet, but Russ is being a prick by trying to evict me. I know it’s cuz I’ve been demanding the heat that I pay for in my rent that I haven’t gotten along with several other tenants. This may also be for tax purposes or to get people out so he can raise the rent. My parents and Tammy are pissed at him and Dad referred me to Legal Aid. The little fuck, though, wouldn’t speak to me or Tammy and never called Dad back. He refuses to give me a reason while he told Andy it was cuz I didn’t like the neighborhood so I can move out. I was in the ER at the time so he handed the notice to Andy.

I went down to the housing court and the woman there said that cuz I pay on the 1st, he can’t evict me till February 9th. He gave me a 30-day notice on January 9th, but by law, the little fuck can’t do shit till March 1st. Hopefully, Russ will hurry up and take me to court so I can sue him there and try and get rent back payments for the months I froze my ass off. That’s probably what that Wendy at Legal Aid will tell me to do. I mean, what the fuck does this prick expect to say or do in court other than make a spectacle out of himself. Steve says the jackass will drop it. Bullshit. I know how people are. When they start trouble they start trouble but this little fuck obviously doesn’t realize he’s fucking with the wrong girl.

Same with Jenny C. Court on March 6th! HA! Jenny got exactly what she deserved, so she’s going to have to enjoy going to court herself cuz I sure as hell won’t be there.

Later…

Me and Andy are performing at the Pub this Friday night. He’s gonna do If I Were You by Stevie Nicks and I’m gonna do Words Get in the Way by Gloria.

Speaking of Gloria, she’s got a new album due to come out in 5 days. I hope there are some songs in Spanish on it. I wish I could’ve gotten that album with a lot of her songs in Spanish on it including Words Get in the Way (No Me Vuelvo a Enamorar). It would be better to do the Spanish version for the contest. I’ll need to order that album.

Brenda gave me 2 ciggies so now that’ll make 7. I’m really gonna pay for this. God, please don’t let me have a bad attack till I can once again get up the will to try and quit again.

Ok, time to move me, my coffee and my phone to the bedroom where I’m nice and comfortable.

Later…

I woke up feeling fairly good. I slept with my humidifier on.

Little fuck Fran’s up to his shit again. I woke up to a message from his neighbor Debbie accusing me of saying I’m gonna hurt her 2-year-old daughter and that Fran got a call from DES. I then had to explain to her how long I’ve known Fran and how little she knew him and that she had quite a bit to learn. This poor girl was terrified and I assured her no threats were made. Fran got her all worked up and it’s obviously a rejection issue or the fact that Fran had a horrendously lousy day. Debbie said I sounded sincere and I told her not to worry about Fran’s BS and not to let it get to her. I also told her to tell Fran that not only is he not welcome here anymore, but he’s not welcome to call me either. Between the shit Fran pulled with my mother along with other stuff and now this, that’s the final straw and I don’t need him.

Andy left a message about returning the videotape of his so I can record his soap. I called over where he lives and Gail says he’s not there. I also called over at Brenda’s, assuming he’d be there, but there was no answer.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 23, 1991 I have therapy today yet I don’t know how the hell I’m going to get there. I slept till almost 8:00 last night.

Andy came over last night and once again things are fairly good between us now that we’re not living together. See, when you have a fight with someone over the phone, you can just hang up on them. It’s not that simple when you’re living with someone.

Since Sunday I’ve been having 2-3 cigarettes a day and it’s catching up to me so I’ve got to be careful again. My back pain’s back and I’m waking up coughing again.

MONDAY, JANUARY 21, 1991 Yesterday my niece Lisa turned 8.

The day before yesterday I had about 4 cigarettes. I was terrified to go to bed thinking I’d wake up with a wicked bad attack, but I woke up fine. In fact, I feel better than I have in a long time. My nose and lungs are clearer and I’m not tight in the chest and there’s no back pain. Today I’ve had only one, but I could really go for one now.

Later…

Right after I last wrote, Jimmy gave me a cigarette which was my second. I fell asleep at 9:00 this morning figuring it’d be easy to get up at 1pm cuz I’d slept so many hours the day before. How wrong I was. I was dead tired. I didn’t get up until a few minutes before 4:00 when Bill rang the buzzer. I remained tired ever since but at least I got my grocery shopping done. I want to do more laundry tonight but I’m too beat. Last night I did two loads from around 12:30-2:30 AM. It was quite convenient as I’m a night person and knowing no one would be using the machines.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 19, 1991 Sure enough, I fucking woke up hacking my brains out about an hour ago. I had fallen asleep right after I last wrote. I definitely have a cold. No doubt about it as I can really feel it now.

Andy said that even when I feel I’ve kicked the smoking habit, I’ll still have urges. Of course, I know I will every so often and Andy’s been supportive but I think he’s starting to get jealous somewhat. God knows he’s very capable of that too, as I’ve seen him display jealousy before. It’s ok to feel a little jealous of someone now and then but it depends on how you handle that jealousy. Andy has quit before for 10 days two different times. Depending on the situation, I sometimes will look at a glass of water as being either half full or half empty. Andy will always see it as half empty.

Well, the street animals are out playing musical horns as usual.

Thank fucking God Andy will be here in less than 12 hours!

Later…

I wish to hell I could go back to sleep for a while. I have a lot of shit I need to do today and I want to sleep tomorrow night to be awake for Sunday’s voice lesson.

I started to get really pissed off with my urge to smoke. Even though they’re not intense, they’re still pretty frequent and I know it’ll be this way forever. The thought of always craving a cigarette pissed me off to the point where I held one and stared at it. I told myself if I smoked it, I’d have a severe attack which is true. I told myself I didn’t want to ever have to go to the ER again and be within inches of death 24 hours a day and in so much constant pain that I WISHED I were dead. I also thought of my singing. Yes, craving one is a better way of suffering, but it’s going to suck just the same. Since I do not drink or do drugs, it’s hard not having something of some kind to do, and watching others smoke.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 18, 1991 If I’m such a cruel nasty bitch who has so many bad points and not too much good, as people like to tell me, then why do people bother with me? Why not go find someone like themselves? I’m sorry but I just don’t feel guilty or selfish cuz I want to live alone. Or be myself.

I haven’t talked with Steve or Jessie for the longest time. I’m not good enough for them. That’s how I feel. I can’t help but always feel that with everyone even though I know I have good qualities. If I dump all my friends I won’t have to worry about communication and being misunderstood. Or feeling like I’m not good enough or a burden to them. People can be so contradicting, too. They play with my head. I’ll say something in which they’ll say they agree with 100%, then the next day they’ll use it against me and play me for a fool. Like, “How dare you say that Jodi!” But yesterday they agreed with and fully understood what I said. I’m no longer gonna be made to feel ashamed, foolish or guilty about the way I feel about things. The way I feel is the way I feel and who and what I am is who and what I am. Not what others want me to be, say, act or feel.

Later…

The little wimpett is going to start moving today and be out by tomorrow. I’m counting down the minutes.

Another reason I haven’t spoken to Steve is, that I’m tired of the “Andy said” bullshit. It puts me on the spot when I’m all of a sudden hit with something Andy said. Then I have to defend myself and explain something he made up or twisted around to make them dislike me or misunderstand me. He loves to turn people against me and he’s dropped plenty of hints that he’s had some pretty long and heavy-duty talks with his friend Adam concerning me. With many others, too. If you typed up all he’s ever said to people about me, he’d have a 3” thick book. Of course, in the long run, as far as Andy thinks, he’s 95% right and I’m 95% wrong.

Later…

Tomorrow Mr. Melodramatic is out of here. Thank fucking God! I can’t wait to have this place back to myself. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be here but God only knows I’m counting down the minutes till Mr. Antic is out of here.

It shocks the shit out of me to say that as of 1am tonight, it’ll be 5 days, going on 6, since I last smoked. Amazing, huh? Not that I’m not getting urges here and there. I am. But the urges are very brief and 5 days is fantastic seeing that the longest I’ve ever made it before was just a tad over 2 days. My back pain is gone. And I am no longer so severely short of breath. I’m still a little tight in the chest, though, and a little wheezy and still coughing and sneezing some. Besides having bad withdrawal I also have a cold. The cold is subsiding much quicker than it would’ve if I smoked still. It’ll be really nice to only have a cold for 4 days out of a year rather than 300 days out of a year.

Later…

Jesus, I’ve been up for 22 hours! When am I gonna fall asleep? I think part of it is cuz I’m so psyched for Andy to get the fuck out tomorrow morning. Wait till the people he rents from finds out he doesn’t do chores and he breaks things. Or tries to when he isn’t getting his way. Wait till he himself finds out our friendship is over.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 17, 1991 Well, in an hour I’ll have gone 72 hours without smoking. The reality of it all still hasn’t quite hit me, but everything’s gone just as I predicted. Just like with the Navane and other things I’ve predicted how, why and when they’d happen. Some predictions, for example, with the Navane and smoking I predicted 3 or 4 years before it happened. Before I quit, I mean. I could see how it was gonna happen too, and why.

Later…

Am I ever psyched for Andy to get the hell out! He’s supposed to move this Saturday to rent a room on Dickinson. Yeah sure, but I’m like, get this wacko outa here! Andy never really was a true friend. Not in all ways, but in some ways. The reason I’m running around calling him a liar about this and that so much lately is cuz he’s done it so much to me. He can’t take his best friend’s word for anything so now he’s seeing how he likes it. Why would I, or any other 25-year-old need to lie? I’m not a child who has to fear punishment if the truth is told.

I cannot wait till he’s outa here and I will never ever let myself get into this situation again. I, of course, should’ve known better with a person like Andy. Or his type. Andy just freaks over anything and everything. I know plenty of other people who I have much less in common with but could live with them so much easier. However, I never will live with anyone again. That’s how I felt before Andy moved in so I sure as hell won’t change my mind about that now. He has lived here for almost a month.

Later…

The last sentence got cut off cuz Andy and I started talking. We also played the piano and sang. I still say, though, that yes he has a lot of good qualities, and yes we have a lot in common, but God he can be an asshole!

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 16, 1991 While I’m waiting for Martha I can tell you how well I woke up. It was 5am and fucking Andy asked me to wake him up at 7:00. I told him to set his alarm in case I fell asleep and I did. I then woke up briefly at 9am. The next thing I know, the little fuck is saying, “Hey! Hey! Don’t you have an appointment?”

It was 1:15 PM and my alarm had another 45 minutes to go. I wanted to kill him! Then the little fuck goes, “Thanks for waking me up.”

I told him it’s not my fucking responsibility to get him up. I also set his alarm and he said it didn’t work so he took his anger and frustration out on me by waking me up. Then the immature brat plays the answering machine messages back loudly, stomps his feet and sings at the top of his lungs. Is this guy ever going to grow up?

His favorite show had 20 more minutes to go when he left, and I had had it with his bullshit, so I stopped the VCR from recording.

He’s got two days to get the fuck out.

As for the good news and yes, believe it or not, there is good news. Very, very, very good news. I have not smoked since January 14th!!! No, I do not feel like I want one!!!!!

Later…

I let it all out in therapy today. About how despite the fact that there’s a lot of good in Andy, he’s also an immature, spiteful, selfish little boy who only will hear what he wants to hear. And how he’s got to either condemn or make someone miserable in some way when things in life aren’t going the way he wants.

He’s over crying on Brenda and Bonny’s shoulder now as he’s not man enough to face me. Like last night when he said how his mother said it was wrong for him to go to Brenda. I simply said, “Andy, you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do, believe what you want to believe, say what you want to say, and hear what you want to hear.”

He’s a wimp and even though he’s turned Brenda, Bonny and Steve against me, I know they’re really fed up with him crying on their shoulders and needing a babysitter. Of course, God help someone if they should be upset or sick and go cry on HIS shoulder.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 13, 1991 Well, I’m still feeling like shit, unfortunately. There’s no feeling worse than wanting to pick yourself up, be happy, be productive, but you just can’t. My asthma’s killing me and I’m still under mega-stress. Way more so than I’ve been in a long time. I mean, this has got to stop, but I feel helpless. Like I don’t know where to begin to help myself. It just isn’t always easy. I miss those days when I was productive non-stop and could physically bounce off the walls for endless hours. I was a dancer. Now I take two steps and my heart’s racing or I’m wheezing or both. I wanted to kill myself for getting so out of breath with only two bags of groceries to carry up. Two years ago I could’ve run up those stairs 20 times.

I still can’t stand having Andy here. Even if I lived with Brenda I’d go nuts, even though she’d be easier to live with cuz she’s more easygoing and calm compared to Andy.

Andy looked at a room on Mulberry St., but I’m afraid he’ll be here much longer than I can stand. Andy and I will remain friends, but I may move to CT since there’s nothing for me here and Andy and I will save money and then maybe move to PHX.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9, 1991 It started to snow a few hours ago so I was off by one day but that’s still close.

Right now I’m listening to Andy, Fran, Tracy and Raven make prank phone calls. Raven was in the lip sync contest and never won. She was a pitiful drag queen and literally froze on stage, but seems to be a nice person. Fran’s taken him in for a month till he gets a job. Well, like Tracy said, Fran’s good for taking people off the streets.

Last night was a hell of a night. I had a severe migraine and was crying for hours in bed till I finally threw up twice. Of course, Andy didn’t give a fuck and I knew it so I held it in and suppressed the urge to scream out. I needed someone so badly last night. Well, I had to puke instead cuz Andy would’ve freaked if I woke him up. Plus, he’d rather make me feel worse than better. I get shit on whether I speak positive or negative about myself. The guy who’s supposed to be my best friend’s busy turning my friends against me and constantly talking shit to Brenda, Bonny, Steve, you name it. He said, both to me and others, more negative shit about me than positive.

I’ll write more later since all I have to talk to is this book unless I hold it in till I puke. But puking is better than trashing things, though I can’t believe I didn’t. Reaching out to people and communicating with them only gets me in trouble and misunderstood so I’d rather puke and lose weight.

MONDAY, JANUARY 7, 1991 Well, it didn’t snow today like I felt it would, but they say it may snow Wednesday.

I met this really nice nurse named Kim at Baystate ER. She’s super nice, open-minded, and the type you feel you’ve known for years the second you meet her.

She was on her way home when I was standing outside the ER entrance when I saw The Joy of Signing book in her hand and we took it from there. It turns out that we have a lot in common and I’m giving her sign language lessons. We’ve met 3 times so far and today she took me to Valley’s for baked stuffed shrimp in exchange for me to teach her sign language. However, she really is doing me a favor too, by giving me a chance to use my sign language and to keep on top of it.

Later…

From now on I must learn to be my own therapist. I shall try to discuss as much as I can about my feelings with myself or write them in this book. I always admired myself for being able to speak my mind but now I find it’s better to keep my mouth shut most of the time. Communication only starts fights and arguments. People often misunderstand the things I say and do and take me the wrong way so what’s the use? I’m gonna just start going along with as much as I can except for things like sex with an ugly woman or a man. I want to learn to talk less and be able to cheer my own self up when I’m depressed or sick as independently as I can.

I’m really proud of myself for last night. I had a massive asthma attack and I was terrified. I mean fucking terrified. I was crying tears like a leaky faucet, but I didn’t wimp out to anyone. I was about to dial 911 and say, “Look, it’s been hours that I’ve been trying to fight this off and I just can’t.” Yet even after being told at the ER what a risk it is to your heart and in other ways, I beat it on my own.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 5, 1991 I just took some decongestant medicine Brenda gave me and I'm so drowsy now.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 1, 1991 Age 25

New Year’s Eve sucked. First of all, Jimmy, downstairs, and I made a big mistake of picking up Fran and bringing him over. Fran embarrassed the shit out of Jimmy who had Mike and Lisa over. Mike and Lisa live next door in #11. Jimmy’s in #10 directly below me. He’s getting evicted which sucks. He turned out to be an ok neighbor. With my luck, some jackass will move in who’s the type that’ll freak if I have the stereo on the lowest volume.

Fran was drunk off his ass. He couldn’t stop playing with my hair, slapping me and Andy on our heads and he fucking raided the kitchen as if he hasn’t eaten in years. He’s not ever again coming over here.

Tracy was over tonight. She lost a lot of weight.

Andy and I had a huge fight and we shoved each other. Much later when we were calm we laughed about it, admitting we were glad we shoved each other to get our frustrations out.

I really do hate having a roommate and I explained to him that it’s gonna take some serious getting used to and adjusting. I’ve been alone so long and I do prefer it that way. 3 years or so ago I’d have jumped at the thought of having a roommate, but as I’ve gotten older, my desires have changed. Just like I really don’t care to be with a woman or to have a baby anymore. I do want to very occasionally have casual sex, but not with just anyone. I really wish someday I could have one night, just one night, with a woman I’m attracted to and I feel that spark with, rather than a woman who’s just ok. I know it won’t happen, though, and I accepted that a long time ago. Well, like I always said, better to fantasize about first best, rather than to settle for second best. Another reason that’s better about fantasy is that if the relationship is getting rocky, you can simply click it off and out of your mind. You certainly can’t do this in a real-life relationship.

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