#i wont have a stable income

[simple-and-cozy-life]

I've been so stressed from the changes happening in my life that I forgot that, even though this is going to suck, God is going to get me through this transitional time. Eventually, I will have the stability that I need and I will have a family.

Life will persist and so must I.

[mainfaggot]

I went to my lab and survived despite having cried all morning 👍🏼 and despite tim hortons fucking up my order...........

[kurthorton-moving]

have a job interview at mcdonalds tomorrow im Nervous

[lazyrezi]

Life is so...... uagjafjegigtjhr sometimes. You know?

It's like this dream job interview I had today. It went GREAT! Got the job. They said they were very impressed with me! I should be over the moon! But! Instead I am stressed out because I didn't find out until the interview that this is 1) a temporary position and 2) it's a 20 hours contract WHICH WOULD BE FINE EXPECT. Expect that BECAUSE it is only 20hours i wouldn't leave my current part time job BUT BECAUSE that is 31hours it means i would work well over 48 hours which is ILLEGAL. UNLESS. Unless that is i sign an opt out agreement which allows me to work insane hours. Because working insane hours aint it but i would love this opportunity i COULD leave my current job BUT THEN this is only a temporary position. So.

ON TOP OF THAT. During the interview they let it slip that they are hiring a permanent full time person in a city that I said I was planning on relocating to in the near future. They said they would consider me for that role as well. And so you see even though I should be over the moon I am now instead stressed out about this opt out agreement form and also grieving the full time permanent position they waved in my face in the city I want to move to. And. My current boss is INSANE so they would never agree to an opt out agreement. So.

I have a headache. I kept wishing I would get the job, and I did, but I guess I should have been more specific.

[anadorablekiwi]

.

[l-na]

local guy gets fucked over by UPS and needs to pay rent

hi. my names luna. im a physically disabled low-income schizo blasian that needs help.

i just sold something big and important of mine to pay rent, but my local ups fucking obliterated it. ebay is demanding i send back the money, but if i do i wont have enough for rent and utils. or transportation.

im suing UPS right now as we speak, and that costed about $100 all together. i cant afford this shit, i needed this money so bad and of course ups was incompetent and blamed it all on me (they even lied and said i was the one who packaged it)

this has been super stressful and ive had to go back on propranolol to deal with my heart palpitations. i really cant handle yet another financial burden on top of rent, trying to get on disability ssi, etc. etc. oh yeah and the stress from this gave me an actual fucking seizure LOL???

i was this close to being financially stable, and now this is coming to fuck me over right before im going to move, bc rent is outrageously expensive next month. please help me.

^this one is my girlfriend's paypal because i no longer have a paypal. cashapp is preferred

thank you for reading, please boost even if you cant donate. every donation helps!

[kittysarchive]

omg i love your omg continuation for the baby daddy trope for txt could u do one for enhypen

I cannnnn

Heeseung

Heeseung is the type of baby daddy to.....

Not live with you, but close. He isn't an asshole okay. He will be there? Mostly for baby-sitting the child while you are busy or just want a break. Heeseung may not provide money or a large sum of it, but he will be there to help raise the child, not letting all the weight be placed on you. Heeseung is a man and a person as the child enters teenage hood, he may go 'missing'.

Jay

Jay is the type of baby daddy to....

Be there the whole time, moving in and possibly getting in a relationship with. He will be the dream husband and dream dad! Having a stable income for happy lives, for both you and the child, OR The type to never be around. He will give you the money but no birthday gifts or cards, he wont even see his child. He will either be there 24/7 or never be there, just sending you money only. There's no in-between.

Jake

Jake is the type of baby daddy to...

Feel obliged to send money. It was a fling; he isn't forced to live with you and raise the child. Although he may give it a try, living with you for about a year...then realising he actually doesn't love you or the child. He may have been drunk or really horny when he did the deed, so he didn't even care about your appearance...that just adds to the excuse to run away from your life.

Sunghoon

Sunghoon is the type of baby daddy to....

He won't always be there, but he will somehow be the child's favourite human being. Showing up on random days to take the child on son dad trips or daddy daughter dates. He will easily take their heart while he rips yours. Giving his money to the kids, he won't leave you any. Unless you get the court involved, he won't give you any sum.

Sunoo

Sunoo is the type of baby daddy to....

Poor baby doesn't know what to do. Whether he was you underclassman or just a stranger, he is conflicted. Having no money, no idea how to raise a child or even be in a relationship! He willing et stressed. He doesn't want you to suffer or the child to grow up suffering so whatever money he can spare, he will give it to you. Whatever time he can spare, he'll spend it with the child :)

Jungwon

Jungwon is the type of baby daddy to...

Let you move in with him. Yes, you are kind of a stranger but until you get enough money...or you find your own love interest, he will let you stay with him. There is two ways for this to go, you fall in love with Jungwon and down the track get married and have another baby...or you get awa from him really quickly, beg for money but never show up to Jungwon or never let him see the child.... Jungwon wouldn't mind either.

[lilliesinthepond-artpage]

Asking for advice

So, ever since i turned 18, the government has been forcing me to 'prove im still disabled so i can continue getting disability benefits' no joke, they are actually saying that. and uh, i appealed twice, lost both times, the most recent one being last year and ending in late december.

they're trying to say im not disabled anymore. no joke. also, in the last trial, they said im not disabled because i can make pb&j sandwiches, dress for court, and feed my cats. i mean, im still autistic, and am part of the (up to) 85% unemployed, and i cant get a retail job for reasons i wont disclose in this vent as they could be triggering. but yeah, im totally not disabled anymore, because i know how to make basic meals.

they also tried to say i was lying about everything i said in court because 'i was fine on my medical file' which i partially blame on myself, as i havent been the most honest with my psychiatrist this year about how awful i was feeling.

they also just straight up got something wrong, whether just straight up lying, or genuine ignorance, saying my iep got denied by the school, when it was me and my mom who willingly ended the iep in the middle of sophomore year.

i dont really know what to do. im still getting the benefits for a few months, but in a few months its over, i wont have the disability income, i wont have medicaid, so i'll likely lose my psychiatrist and my meds, which genuinely keep me sane and stable, as we wont be able to afford them without medicaid.

is there anything i can do? i know appealing again won't help as they're just going to look at my medical record again and say im not disabled.

[arsonistmoth]

COMMISSIONS ARE OPEN~

Howdy everyone! it is that time again, time for goat commissions! As a life update of sorts i've snagged a nice stable job however its now just a matter of playing catch up and there are times when you need a little extra income to pay bills and get groceries. this is one of those times Always feel free to share this post or read on below as every bit helps a starvin artist out!

A few basic rules:

-As an artist I do hold the right to refuse any commission, it might be that I am not confident in my skills enough for what is asked Or the subject matter might be way out of my comfort zone. There are things I will and will not draw buddies!  - All payments must be in US currency (usd) and through P@ypall! -Payment is asked for once I have finished the cleaned sketch of your flat or full piece and have your OK on how the piece looks.(With sketches It is an upfront payment)   -Now, I’m no mind reader, So a Colored reference will be required for each character! If you have a ref but it is not colored I /am/ willing to work with you on color picking but that might add a slight charge to your bill depending on how long it takes to decide on hues! -IF you only have a description of your character or you want me to DESIGN the character for you, that will be a significant additional charge as that sort of work adds hours onto the process. - You may repost your commissioned piece but please, do not crop out my tiny signature  and Please remember to credit me wherever you post! - I do not haggle my prices.

Thing’s I wont draw

Fandoms that do NOT allow commissions of their artwork Heavy NSFW (think sexual themes) [I only draw these themes for those who are 18+ and are willing to prove as much. no minors allowed] No fetish art Certain pairings(ask me DM and i will let you know if that pairing is ok for me to draw) No underage/Incest/selfcest and things the like. This is an  /instant/  no  and potential block for me. All my artwork is digital and once the piece is complete you will receive the HD, Unwatermarked version in DMs. The version i post publicly will have my main watermark

While it is not listed above i will also draw character reference sheets! However the price will vary depending on what all you want added onto said sheet Typical Ref sheets cost between 75-200 depending on complexity of both the sheet and the character design.

Interested? shoot me a message via tumblr/twitter messenger!

[blackest-soul]

Fool for Falling | S.R. x You

Working for BAU, for the last three years has been a blessing and a curse. On on hand, the financial stability of having a stable job (albeit, one that is mentally and physically exhausting) is something that you can finally enjoy--- but honestly, nursing a crush on one of your co-workers for three fucking years is starting to get on your nerves. You definitely need an outlet to contain your crush on Spencer Reid and song writing has been a huge help. Taylor Swift has been a huge help, especially with the release of Speak Now, the ultimate album for crushes. For hopeless crushes and confessions. You gave a huge sigh and your best friend, Penelope, rolled her chair over to your side and asked you how you are. “I’m fine, Pen. Just a little bit tired and stressed. It has been a hell of a week and I still need to play at the bar for extra income.” You answered. Ever since you have mistaken Penelope Garcia as someone like you, a Filipina, you two have been inseparable. She gets you like no one else, so giving out lengthy answers to her simple questions has (and will always be) the norm.

“It is a Friday, babe. Don’t you want to skip playing for tonight and hang out with us?” Penelope asked. “The team is planning to go out for some drinks tonight and I have it on good authority that our boy genius will also join us.” She added with a wink. I’m pretty sure everyone in the team knows of my crush on Spencer, except for him. He can be a little dumb sometimes.

“I kinda need the extra income for tonight, loves. Student debt and all. Plus, I kinda wanna attend the Filipino Film Festival tomorrow, so I want to have some money to splurge on.” You shrugged. You turned around and started packing your stuff, including your guitar and started walking towards the exit when Pen stopped you.

“Hey, what if we hang out at the bar tonight? I want to hear you play, Y/N. Pretty please. I promise we wont disturb you too much!” Pen excitedly whispered. Not gonna lie, you were a little bit scared and nervous. No one in the team has seen this side of you plus singing your songs, with Spencer watching you. Isn’t that a little too much of a cliche? Whatever, you are late and you kind of want to hang out with them afterwards, so this is definitely a win-win. Whatever, you need a release. Singing your songs to Spencer Reid might knock some sense into him. “Okay, Pen. You guys can come at Lola Amour’s tonight. I need to go ahead and prepare for my set but I will see you there.” You said and walked away. As the elevator doors closed, you heard Pen’s squeal and immediately gathered the whole team to go to the said bar ------ At Lola Amour’s

“Hey” You greeted to the bar owner. “I have some of my friends coming over, can I reserve that table over there. Near the stage, but not near enough to get on my nerves.” “Yeah sure. Anyone in particular coming over?” Pio, the owner and another singer, asked. “A crush.” “Damn, Y/N! This set is gonna be so awesome. You know how long I waited for this day to fucking happen.” Pio smiled as he prepared the stage for both of our sets. “How many songs are you planning to play for the good doctor?” He probed. “Three, maybe four? I want to play that song. The one we wrote together. Fallen. Join me on the stage?”

“Sure! Been a while since we played that song. Pretty sure you wrote that...6 months since you met him” “Shut up! I did not!!” I half-whispered, half shouted to him. You saw the team coming in and you started to panic a little. Pio, the good friend that he is, saw your face and immediately knew. He has seen you have crushes before, but this one, Dr. Spencer Reid, is different. He has heard of the songs this guy has inspired out of you and as a musician, he is so fucking excited to see Y/N sing her heart out. “They are here.” You whispered.

“I know. Let me finish this set up while you greet them. Be fast tho, show will start in 10 mins and you will open.” Pio answered. “Y/N!!!!” Pen shouted as you come over their table. “This place is so amazing! I’m so pissed that you kept such a nice bar to us” “I know! I am so sorry but I sort of wanted to keep this place and my side gig a secret from the team for a while” I said as I try to apologize to the team for not letting them in sooner. “Hey, no need for those puppy eyes now. You need to be ready for your set. I demand some entertainment, Y/N” Derek said. I chuckled and tried to fix my hair as I try to gauge, Spencer’s reaction over this. He keeps looking around, maybe trying to see a different side of the world? A world where there is no violence... only art. And secret feelings. “I hope you guys would enjoy my set. The songs are really special to me so please be kind.”  You reminded them as I am walking towards the stage. “Don’t worry so much, Y/N. You will do great. You are already so amazing at many things.” Spencer said as he waves at me. You definitely do not need to overthink that statement. Get a grip, girl. You gave an awkward smile and even a more awkward wave. Jesus. ------- Start of Y/N’s Set

With the bar packed and everyone is served with drinks, Pio motioned for you to come up the stage to start. “Hey, everyone. Been a while since we last jammed together.” You said as the crowd cheered. Pio gave you a thumbs, indicating that you can say whatever your spiel is and that he will wait for your signal. “I am so excited to share and play some of my songs again, for you guys. I remember writing these three in particular, as I was nursing a very very very serious crush on one of my officemates. Luckily, the FBI is a fucking huge place so no one will ever figure it out, huh.” You continued your story and watched the reactions of your teammates. Hotch and Rossi raised their eyebrows, while the troublesome foursome (JJ, Pen, Derek, and Emily) gave some really really funny (and rude) finger guns and pointed at Spencer. Luckily, the resident genius is too oblivious or fascinated or maybe shocked to notice. This might be his first gig so you can’t be so sure. “Anyway, for this particular song... hmmm. I wrote this during the first year that we met. I remember debating if I should say something...about this crush. But then again, I got a little bit nervous and a lot scared. Hence, this song is my what if scenario. Everyone, this is Fallen.” The crowd cheered so loud, Pio’s guitar can barely be heard. What if I told you that I've fallen And I like the way you say my name? My heart skips a beat when I hear you calling And I like that it won't go away But never mind, don't wanna give you any trouble Never mind, never mind I'm OK with being by your side for as long as I can hide What if I told you that I've fallen? You started singing, Pio and the rest of the band continued playing on. Clearly enjoying the way you blushed and stuttered through some of the lyrics. Finally it’s Pio’s turn to sing the verse. What if I told you that I've fallen? The heart-shaped arrow through my chest I'll make your breakfast every morning And pick you up when you're a mess But I know that it won't ever stop You know I'll be there when you call me whether you like it or not Without a warning, now I'm falling for this picture on my phone But don't mind me, I'm just falling, I'll be back up on my own As Pio sings the next verse, you tried to observe Spencer. This song is really for him and honestly, you want to see his reaction. But due to the glare of the spotlight, you really can’t see any of his expression. You continued to sing the following lines, hoping, praying that Spencer will finally have the idea. After all, you really have fallen Please don't say my name, help me put out this flame I'd rather hold onto this feeling that you don't even believe in What if I told you that I've fallen? The song crescendoed through the chorus and last verse. You see some of the crowds cheering and singing along. You played this song before but this time it is different. You are playing the song with your muse in front, listening. You looked at your team again and saw them smiling (Hotch and Em), clapping, some of them trying to mouth the lyrics back to you (Derek and Pen), and some of them dancing through the chorus (JJ and Rossi) but you are honestly, just interested in Spencer’s reaction. Is that a blush you see? Is he hiding his smile? You can only hope so. The song ended and everyone cheered. Everyone wanted more and you decided to continue hyping the crowd up. “Wow, such a lovely crowd for tonight. So much energy. Let’s keep this up!!! Our next song is a crowd favorite!!!” The crowed cheered really loud this time as they hear the beat of the drums. “This song was written when I had too much wine. Jesus. I drank so much wine because Mr. Office Crush decided to shock my poor heart by not combing his curls. You know how hard it is to not run my hand over his hair. Ladies, understand, right?” The crowd collectively cheered and agreed as I try to narrate the story of how this song came to be. It was at a pool party, at Rossi’s. Spencer’s hair is all over the place and I remember getting a lot of wine because of it. I remember being tipsy and dancing with him. I remember a lot of laughter and giving Spencer lipstick kisses as a dare. “You guys know this song!!! So please sing with me. This song is called, Fools.” you shouted and began singing.  

Anticipating, waiting for the thrill I'm captivated, I don't know how I feel I'm suffocating, you seem so unreal And I can't keep waiting, so I'll go for the kill then I shiver (You say my name) it feels like fever Now it's got me begging You can do whatever you want to Baby, I'm no fool 'Cause even angels have demons on their shoulders too The band’s energy can really be felt through their instruments and you are  so excited to hype up everyone by playing the guitar even loudly while you sing the next parts. This is you favorite verse and you cannot wait for Spence to hear it: Relieve the tension, dance with me skin to skin I've no intention, but I don't see no ring It's a temptation and I wanna give in So forget your reasons, God gave the right to sin then I shiver

(You say my name) it feels like fever Now it's got me begging

You can do whatever you want to Baby, I'm no fool 'Cause even angels have demons on their shoulders too And you can say whatever you want to Baby, I'm no fool I know you want me like I want you too “Everybody stand up and dance!!” you shouted to the mic. The band really came through as they extended the instrumentals of the song, while you energetically jumped and down the stage. Damn, this feels like your very own concert and you love the energy the crowd is bringing. You tried to look for Spencer but his stare shocked you. You have never seen him give you this heated stare before. You grabbed the mic and sang the following lines while directly staring at his eyes:

You can do whatever you want to. Baby, I'm no fool. I know you want me like I want you too. I finished the song. Licked my lips and sent a wink to Spencer. I hope he gets it now. ---- Done for now. Let me know if you guys want a part 2 or POV from Spencer!!!

[locrit-returns]

I think some people are hesitant in saying Lily should lose her source of income, but she can go get a job a Walmart or something so I don’t care I want her offline. I do not want Lily harmed or to harm herself but other than that I don’t care what happens to her. I genuinely hope that one day she gets her hard drive ceased and if there is anything illegal on it then she should face jail time. Idk why that’s such a controversial opinion. (I know if she did go to court a lot of people would be upset by the language used towards Lily and that’s very unfortunate and I wish the legal system was better but being a child predator is worse)

yeah... exactly this... unless she has a physical disability or her mental health impacts or prevents her from working... then hey I guess I should shut up...

still I have disabilities... I wont go into detail because I dont share that shit online... im self employed... it doesn't pay much but it covers the basics where I am currently... and I'm exhausting every option to get help so I can work something a little more stable...

im not cultivating an online audience to get by... im managing... im almost certain Lily can do the same...

[jkl-fff]

In a suprising twist of fate, you have been given 30 billion dollars! The catch? You only have it for 7 days. Anything you purchase you can keep, and anybody you give it to will keep what you give to them, (eg, donations and gifts wont disappear) but after 7 days you no longer have access to the liquid assets and if you gave somebody money, they cant just give it back.

For the sake of this hypothetical, lets not worry about things like taxes.

How are you spending your fortune? ^_^

Would it be cheating if I buy a bunch of gold, silver, and other precious materials I can sell off to basically have liquid assets again? Is that too much rules-lawyering to try to swing a loophole?

Assuming it is ... I'm going to buy a bunch of properties and endow them with trusts to keep financing them after these seven days are over. The properties will be turned into low-income housing to basically provide homeless people with a safe, stable, permanent, and free residence while they reestablish themselves. A lot more will be donated to foodbanks, animal shelters, and charities that help queer people in particular. Probably going to hire some people to spend the week looking up others across the globe that are legit and effective so I can throw money at them, too. And I'll buy a bunch of medical and student debt so I can just forgive it, thereby erasing it.

Once I've finished being a do-gooder, I've got several friends as well as artists I'm going to drop one million on each. The deal for all of them will basically be, "This is a standing commission payment. You get this now, and I get art whenever the fancy stikes me later (your schedule and health permitting)."

Will give 10 million to my parents to guarantee they never have to worry about house or car payments, and basically to cover family vacations for the rest of their lives. And I guess ten million to each of my siblings for the same reason, with the understanding that they take care of my subsequent necessary expenses for the rest of my life. Not give me money, you understand, just make sure I and my animals always have space with them and the things we absolutely must spend money on will not be a concern for me.

Oh! Going to purchase and endow a martial arts school where I can workout and teach Taekwon-Do with all the useful equipment I can think of to make sure property management costs are handled forever. And also hire a guy to be my eternal personal trainer and manager--a guy whose side job (they can have another one, of course, I won't need that much managing) is to come in at regular times and help me stay motivated and on track with all my separate duties and chores and goals and such.

What else? What else? Guess I should get a new, sensible car. Some new, comfortable and nice-looking clothes, too. What else do I even want for myself? What else do people normally need for themselveals?

I'm generally not a very materialist nor consumerist sort of guy. There's not a lot I want that could be bought, especially in as short a timeframe as a week. Some experieces need funding (like travel), but a week wouldn't suffice to manage those. So I'm honestly going to be doing my damndest to give all 30 billion away (with ironclad contracts to guarantee ethical use of it through auditing and such), most of it to worthy causes. The people in my personal life don't need a huge sum, so it would be a matter of giving them perpetual security without exorbitant affluence. Then on to organizations who are better qualified than I to disperse those funds in a helpful way.

Thanks for the thought-provoking question!

[glitchdollmemoria]

also on the topic of that last post, poverty seriously is so fucking traumatizing lol. now that i have foodstamps i make sure some of what i buy is shelf stable food that i can stockpile if i dont eat it within the month, because i dont trust that my benefits wont be slashed or completely taken away at the whim of whoever is in charge. ill probably always be a food hoarder because of the complete fear i experienced when dealing with food scarcity. ill probably always be the type to try to spend as little as possible because the more i have in savings, the more of a cushion ill have if i lose income, the less ill have to be batshit fucking terrified if that happens. i hear people casually talk about having not worked for a while, saying "yeahhh haha i should probably get a job again" and i feel fucking insane because ive been living under the fact that if i lose my job, i either need to find a new one immediately or im dead. literally dead, i am not fucking exaggerating, because i as a very disabled person would not be able to survive unhoused, and thats what will happen if i miss any more rent payments. and like, im only talking about my own situation, but fuck dude. this shit is traumatic, that is the word for it, and governments are complicit in this trauma when they dont provide the support needed for people to live safe and happy lives. and thats its own sort of trauma too, really - realizing that the people in power, by and large, are not on your side, that they do not give a fuck about your comfort or safety or life, that they do not give a single fucking shit if you die. all of it is traumatic.

[the-eldritch-it-gay]

the job oppurtunity that was schuedled to start in q1 of 2023 has been pushed to q2 2023 so interviews wont start until 2023 probably. i was supposed to be getting interviewed around now but just got informed that theyre moving the dates.

went from "it looks promising that i might have a well paying job in a couple months" to "i have to figure out how to have money for the next 5 months and end up with basically with a year of unemployment since i havent had stable income since early april/may and the job isnt even guarenteed"

[hekkoto]

My guardian angel. It keeps staring in silence with its empty eyes, its unsettling grin will always cheer me up. Its scythe is sharp, hurt me so many times, but what will happen, if someone will cross the line?

yo guys, I have awesome news! I got job as game tester, I start 1st June! So yeah, I not only finally got my degree but I will again have stable income, its such relief now, last year or two were super stressful and I feel better now. Of course cause of this I wont have so much time for art anymore but dont worry, I will be still creating and posting! I feel like first 2 weeks of June I might be quite absent cause I will need to adjust to this all. Honestly its highly possible I might be more productive cause I wont be dying of anxiety and wont be worring so much about future?

I still will be creating and posting, probably still a lot cause art is my love and my life. Tho I feel I will be doing more traditional works cause of this. I will need to make some changes to my online life and such, sadly to my Patreon too, I need to rethink what I will be able to actually deliver, Im a bit worried it wont be enough to look enough for people ;-; I gonna work a lot on my big projects like my big comic in Terroether universe/work on universe and work on new game~

I gonna use this last free days to rest and make art for fun, also wanna clean my home cause its such mess aaaaaaaaaa i gonna post stuff tho I wont be forcing myself to anything, I wanna catch up on few things and then have more 'free content' for June :> I still need to sort out how this all gonna work but dont worry my lil darklings, Im not gonna leave you ;p

wanna support my evil dark empire? Im accepting souls on Patreon and Ko-fi! -> Hekkoto Huge thanks to all of my Patrons and people who donate 🖤

[coccyodynia]

things:

i went home the other weekend and didn’t steal any pills, as much as i thought about it, so thats kind of cool i guess

i got a very fun and cool tattoo yesterday, its a woman swinging an axe with that line i wrote a few years ago - “i swing and i dont miss”

i am seeing a The Plot In You tonight with justin

we’re planning on hanging out before the show too but the weather is gonna be shitty so who knows, he’ll probably flake out at this point

we’re also planning on going to chicago in a month but im concerned i wont be able to afford it idk. i just stashed away $250 for it but i wouldn’t be surprised if i had to dip into that before then

we’re on okay terms right now. its been a huge rollercoaster as usual but he still wants to keep me around in some type of way i guess bc he’ll respond or say shit like ‘i’m always here for you’

ive been dissociating a lot still but im practicing the skills to get a handle on it

ive officially stopped caring about anything at my job, i just dont give a fuck at all anymore

if i start caring again it will probably kill me, at least considering the rate we were going before 

i had a friend OD twice in the last week or so and im literally just bracing myself to lose another person to fent

its been almost a year without michael now and im still really heartbroken about

i can tell ive started letting my apartment/kitchen get bad again and it’s upsetting me but i feel paralyzed about it

one of my best friends is having a really tough time too and we keep messaging each other little check-ins even though neither of us have the capacity to really support or help the other person in any meaningful way

ive just been way too tapped out lately, and it has been affecting my health for quite awhile

my weight seems to be stable now or at least kinda, i lost 50 lbs and last week for the first time in awhile it didn’t go down when i got on the scale

my parents and grandma all made comments about how they can tell ive lost a lot of weight since i saw them last (6 weeks or so ago?)

my mom has been telling me “youre not eating enough calories” which i think gave me whiplash considering up until now my entire life shes been insistent that i eat too much

my financial situation is really about to get fucked up since im not teaching this summer, so i will lose that income for a few months ($800/month)

im pretty nervous they wont ask me back to teach in the fall bc the head of the department doesnt really like me

i got great evaluations from my students tho! at the end of the semester, two of my students asked if i would be comfortable with giving them a hug and i got emotional

i helped one of my students get into their first gallery show in NY and im just so fucking proud and excited for them

another student had made me a little embroidered camera patch for my bag 

im still very much thinking about applying to graduate/phd programs in the fall

there’s about 5 programs im interested in, but none of them are local so i’d have to move pretty far if i were accepted

im going to re-apply to university of denver for the MA emergent digital practices program

i applied to there in 2021 and was accepted but i wasn’t offered enough financial aid since i applied after the priority deadline so i’ll try it this fall and see what happens

im still dreaming about going to Brown for their digital writing/cross-disciplinary writing and art MFA but it's such a pipe dream

i also found a fascinating phd program at duke but they're not accepting applications this year?

i want to write and photograph more but by the end of the day i am so incredibly burnt out that it seems more like a chore than an outlet

i really wish there was a way for me to just quit my job and take some time off before going into another job

anyway therapy is back to once a week and sometimes 2x a week just depending on how well i handle things

my mom is still being the worst person ive ever met and im really trying to disconnect from her/the family as much as i can

she just spent $500 on a plane ticket so she can go spend a week with the guy she was engaged to in college

she sucks so much and i hate her 

anyway that’s all