#i wouldn’t let myself be the currently anxious person i was

[pheadrus]

Please share your trick 🙏

It’s a very specific stress related illness anon so this probably won’t be much help but I guess it fits a framework I’ve found coming up a lot with anxiety so maybe as a general rule it’s useful?

basically I hold like all my stress in my pelvic floor and I couldn’t work out how to stop but I realised my fear of the symptom of its dysfunction (which was needing the loo all the time, absolute hell) was what was stopping me from relaxing and so was stopping me from being free of that very symptom. I had to basically stop freaking out and let the “bad thing” happen in order to begin to develop a healthy relationship with it

And I’ve found in general with anxiety I need to forgive myself for not being able to forgive myself if that makes sense? I was so angry with myself for not being able to escape this dysfunction but if I forgave myself and let my body feel my pelvic floor even when it wouldn’t be nice, that was the first step to learning not to stress about it. I was trapped in the cycle of being anxious and trying to ignore that i was anxious but that just made me more anxious, so my general advice would be to let yourself feel and acknowledge the anxiety you do have bc denying its existence just gives you one extra thing to stress about

[saber-monet]

“They’re talking shit” manifesting technique

Or

“Let them talk shit” Method

So this is the technique that I used, and still currently use as an over-thinker to manifest my desired reality and maintain my desired mental state.

So back in college, I was insecure. The type of insecure, where if I hung out with friends and then I left the room, only thing that would be racing through my mind would be the idea of them talking about me behind my back. Like Just talking the most shit and calling me out of my name. Granted these are the types of friends I had back then, I now know better.

So here was the pattern :

Every time I left the room, and I felt insecure about something I had just said or done, I would imagine them saying bad things about me or finding me weird of off putting. The things I would imagine them saying, would break my heart. So I put a stop to it.

And I recognized those people were not in the room with me and I was using my imagination to hurt myself .

I could have been imagining them saying anything because I have that power and I’m choosing to see them saying most terrible things about me. So, I made the decision to imagine them still talking shit, but this time it was about all the good things I wanted.

( you have to keep the same hater energy when you do this btw)

Example:

“Who does she think she is? Just because she has a great body and works out and is always in a happy state of being. She think she’s better than us. 😒.  she think she’s rich too. She only has about $100,000 in her bank account. The rest is tied up in the stock market and crypto currency. So she technically doesn’t even have that much money. 🙄”

“ she wants to be an influencer sooo bad .ugh, So what if your YouTube channel grew by 200,000 subs in less than 3 weeks and you’re getting amazing sponsorship oppertunities. So what bitch you ain’t pewdie pie. You don’t even have 1,000,000 subs yet . Pipe down”

So in those examples, I just affirmed a reality where:

- I great healthy body

- im in a happy/content state of being

- $100,000 in in my bank account

-I have plentiful bountiful investments/crypto currency

-my YouTube channel successful

-I’m getting great sponsorship opportunities

And because I used other people to affirm those for me, it’s a stronger self concept/reality. Because I’m affirming it in, first person, third person and second person( by default).

This technique works with any “negative” dominating emotion.

So if you were anxious or have anxious dominant feelings. Start affirming, anxious thoughts that you would WANT to have.

For example:

“I hope my professor doesn’t hate me for being more educated/smarter on the subject than he is 😭. Like I get he spent years in school studying this stuff, but it comes easy to me and surpass his expertise every time without fail. I hope he doesn’t think I’m trying to show him up😰”

“ I hope the bank doesn’t get suspicious about how much money I’ve been depositing into my account. 😥Plus I’ve been getting so much money this year from random sources, in such large amounts, I’m kind of worried that the IRS is going to get involved and make filing my taxes a little complicated this year.☹️”

So, in those two short sentences, you just affirm that

you’re smart,

you’re doing well in the class, and

you’ve been getting large amounts of money throughout the year, from expected and unexpected sources. 

Remember if you want it, you can get it. Try “under-thinking” , it’s easier than you’d expect. No matter what state you are in. If you were able to tell a consistent story about how you want to be, you’re good.

* when I use the word “negative”, I’m talking about the words you are using to describe the situation. Because by default every situation is neutral. It doesn’t become positive or negative until you choose to assign it a value .

Don’t force yourself to be happy, force your thoughts to tell a better story. One that wouldn’t mind living out and experience. And the only except thoughts that affirmed the reality that you want. From any angle. You have to learn when and how to work with your emotions. Emotions are only bad if you identify them as bad.

When you come up with any other examples, please, I would love to hear them. share them with me.

[nanamin-nah-nanamine]

This is for the matchmaking, I'm a non-binary person in my early 20 who is extremely introverted, i struggle with social situations when I'm alone, i also struggle with depression and anxiety which makes life rather hard, i have been diagnosed with autism so when i get interested in something that tends to be my main interest for months if not a year or more. I am a very emotional person i cry at everything and anything honestly, due to being diagnosed with Autism very late in my life i have spent a lot of time masking, to make myself appear as normal as possible, so much so that i don't even know what I'm actually like normally. Even though i am a very anxious person i have a major case of Resting Bitch face, so much so that some of my friends told me they were scared of talking to me at first because they thought i look mean.

I'm a very creative person, i love expressing myself in ways that don't have anything to do with talking, i also love fashion and i usually dress in a mix of goth and comfy clothes, though comfy clothes usually overtake my need to look fancy due to major dysphoria so i usually opt for large hoodies. My hair is currently in a chin long undercut which is a kind of very light pink/purple due to the colour fading over time, i have green eyes, wear glasses and have a septum as well as tattoos. I'm also currently a major in art and Theatre, mostly focused on painting. I am a theater kid at heart, i love musicals and have acted in a few myself. I'm also Pansexual so i will literally just go for anyone I'm interested in no matter the gender.

Hi pookie! I apologize for the wait cause finals were a bitch but they’re finally DONE

Aight now lets get into this

Due to the information provided you will be matched up with…🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

My lovely chosito osito!!(ignore everything that’s happened in 259😀)

Okay now walk with me🚶🏾‍♀️

I feel like you and Choso would really vibe together for numerous reasons. Choso is an eldest sibling so he’s incredibly patient and he’s proven to be very nurturing so I feel as though it would be second nature for him to always be thinking about you and how things might affect you. I think lil homie also has anxiety so he would be able to relate to you on that level, and since so much of this world is completely new to him you guys would be able to bond over the lovely overstimulation of day to day life.

From one autistic person to another I really feel like Choso would understand a lot more than some of the other characters? Idk I just get that vibe from him. He’s very blunt and straightforward, doesn’t cut corners in his explanations and he’s also got one hell of a resting face so I feel like he wouldn’t take lack of expression personally if you’re ever feeling burnt out.

Like I mentioned prior this boy is 🗣️NURTURING

He basically had to sub in as mom,dad,brother for all of those siblings so he’s got you bby don’t worry. I feel like he can be really protective and overbearing at times though but if that crosses a like for you then you just need to let him know. He’s no stranger to tears and he has no problem scooping you up in his arms and letting you cry it out.

If you wanna yap about a new hyper fixation you better believe Choso will listen!! The world is new and exciting and even though the bright lights and media tend to give him headaches, he can’t get enough of you relaying him the information because he’s kinda obsessed with you ngl.

Y’all with be THAT alt introverted couple who everybody is kind of scared of but are actually sweethearts. Once Choso figured out about department stores and piercing parlors it’s over for you bitches.

He thinks your tattoos are so cool and he’s kinda just like fascinated by the entire process. If you ever choose to get more he would wanna go with you but he’d be holding your hand and staring at the tattoo artist like this 😠

I also feel like he would definitely respect your pronouns once he wrapped his head around them because he is just not from this era so it’ll take him a bit😭 it’s genuinely just pure ignorance and not disrespect but he WILL get the hang of it.

Activities you do together include….

•going to see musicals and live theatre(he will be enchanted or overstimulated, it’s a 50/50 on this one)

•staying inside✨(a fan favorite)

•p i e r c i n g d a t e s

•painting!! More or less so him watching you paint but it’s the thought that counts🥰

[tommstic]

Being trans in the south

Hey all! I’ve finally accepted myself, and I think that now is a perfect time to share my story. This post will contain transphobic language, descriptions of dysphoria, and other possibly triggering things. I think it’s important to read just to get a look into the life of a trans kid in the south, but if it makes you uncomfortable, please skip if you need!

I live in the southern area of the USA. It’s not really a secret, I talk about my state and the whether pretty often so it’s not like I’m trying to hide who I am. Because of that, I feel comfortable sharing this story with some more personal details.

I live in South Carolina. The state is no stranger to anti-lgbtq+ corruption in the local government and in the citizens. SC is one of the states which has currently banned LGBTQ+ topics to be taught under the umbrella of sex ed. With this info, you can probably infer what life as an lgbtq+ teen is like in the dead centre of a red state.

I realised I was trans during late 2019 - early 2020 (my memory is fuzzy due to unrelated matters, so sorry if the timeline feels fuzzy sometimes). I decided to identify as bigender at the time. I only came out to my close friends, and that was after months of being scared they wouldn’t accept me. Of course, they accepted me, being lgbtq+ themselves.

Later on, somehow, word began to spread that I was trans and people at school began to ask me questions about it. It was scary. I remember being so anxious every time someone would come up and talk to me during that time because I was afraid they would harass, hurt, or judge me because of my identity. And naturally, whenever someone would ask, I would tell them I wasn’t trans and they’d heard wrong. It felt weird to act like I was “the victim of gossip” when in reality it was true. I was trans, but I wasn’t ready to talk about it.

Time passes, blah blah, unimportant nonsense. Nothing really significant to my identity happens, I still identified as bigender. I was trying to accept myself more by being more public with my identity. I wanted to believe that the south wasn’t as hateful as the media portrayed it, so I was public about my identity online and would tell people I was trans if they asked. My first instance of experiencing genuine transphobia was when I was banned from my friend’s house by their dad due to me being trans.

I felt so sick that night and I cried so so much- I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that my identity had gotten me banned from seeing them again. I felt like I was the problem.

Then I entered my freshman year. I started wearing pins on my ID because I wanted to try again. Plus, I assumed that if I was in a public space I’d be safe. I wasn’t entirely wrong, but in some instances it didn’t exactly work out.

There were certain classes where I took off my trans pin from my ID. Mostly classes overrun by country kids and openly trans/homophobic people. I would put the pin in a small pocket in my bag and wear my ID as normal.

One day I did the same as usual, putting my pin away, and I noticed this kid looking at me weird. We leave the classroom and when we come back to pack up I check my bag and the zipper is opened and the pin is gone. Now I’m not completely sure it was him, but someone stole my pin and I know it wasn’t out of jealousy. There was a sticky note with a shitty cross drawn onto it. Losing the pin sucked, especially considering the motive, but it was the least of my problems.

People from my school would occasionally send me DMs via Instagram telling me I need God and how I’m disgusting. I was even threatened a few times, which was sadly no surprise. I’ve always prided myself on not taking cyber bullying seriously when it’s aimed towards me. I don’t typically let it affect me. But when you’re already surrounded by an environment that seems to absolutely hate you, having your online spaces being invaded the same way hurts like hell.

During the same class I mentioned earlier, I was called slurs both to my face and behind my back. Two kids were talking saying that “the class had been ruined by the tr*nnies,” while nodding in my direction. Another kid had asked me straight up if I was a tr*nnie.

It was around this time that I felt like giving up on my identity. I still felt sick looking in the mirror and looking at my body. I still hated everything remotely feminine about myself. I still hated being a girl but I decided that it was just easier to suppress my identity and go back to being “normal.”

In other words, being told that Id never be a real man was the straw that broke the camels back.

I still mentioned being trans in passing when I was talking with my friends, but generally I kept it a secret. During this time, I began to feel even worse about myself. I considered suicide because I felt like I would never be a real man. I felt like I wouldn’t ever be able to free myself from this prison that I had built for myself by rejecting my identity. It was shitty and it felt awful. I kept holding on to any piece of femininity I could find in myself because of how much I started to hate the idea of being trans. I hated it so much I just wanted to stay “normal.”

I relapsed. The only other trans friend I had at the time was a fucking enabler who I should have cut off forever ago, so it just got worse. I started doing stupid shit that I can’t even say on here for my own safety. It was bad, it put me in danger, and it was disgusting.

I began to calm myself down after a few months of not thinking about it and I decided to wade back into the waters of my trans identity by identifying as genderless. I just thought “hey, if I don’t have a gender, then there’s no reason to feel dysphoria right? I’m just me.”

Yea well no surprises here, it didn’t work. Another year of suppressing my real identity and I still hadn’t learned anything. I suppressed my identity for 3, almost 4, years because I was so scared of who I really was. I suffered from so much internalised transphobia for the past years due to the environment I grew up in. It changed how I perceived myself for the worst, and in the end, it didn’t stop me from being trans.

I have VERY recently come to accept my identity. I’m a boy. I’m FtM and that’s okay!! I wanted so bad to be able to hang on to my cisgender identity that it made me feel miserable for years. Finally I can really say that I’m trans and proud. I feel like I actually fit my identity and I no longer feel like I’m faking anything. It feels so freeing-

However, now that I’ve finally let go of my internal transphobia, I still have to face that of the world around me. I’m anxious to be public about my identity, I’m anxious to even come out to my parents (AGAIN.) because of what they might think.

I know there’s people out there who’ve had it worse than me, and that scares me the most. To imagine that there’s people struggling with the same issues as I am but with genuine violence in their lives, it’s worrying. As a country and as a society we have to understand that our views on young lgbtq+ members is crucial to how they view themselves. We’re just kids, we shouldn’t have to “toughen up” because we’re being told to shoot ourselves. We shouldn’t be getting told all these terrible things in the first place.

It’s fucking awful and I don’t think people have a real understanding of how passive transphobia affects people in the real world. There are dead trans kids because of this. There are dead queer kids because of this. It’s not easy to be surrounded by hate no matter where you look. I was lucky enough to have my friends as a support but not every kid has that. We gotta fucking fix this, it’s hurting innocent kids who just want to figure themselves out.

This was longer than I expected,, I tried to keep everything very linear. This isn’t a sob story or whatever, I just want to raise awareness for kids in the south because what I experienced was honestly so mild compared to what some other people I know have gone through. If you made it to the end, that’s awesome because I would’ve gotten tired by now Hah- thank you so much for reading-

if you’re of legal age to vote PLEASE do research on who you’re voting for because our leaders, local or National, determine the future of this country.

[emperor-kumquat]

Mercy Overlord: Not Vain or Self-absorbed

(Above image: @lady-and-robots )

I think people easily get Overlord wrong because he is gorgeous and a dramatic, theatrical character. However, when you read carefully, he was never written to be vain or self-absorbed. Take Knockout for example—Overlord is nothing like Knockout!

Overlord has a lot to brag about besides looking great. He’s huge, strong, a triple-changer, an outlier who can split in half, and he now has invincible armour. And yet he does not brag about anything or act superior. Overlord doesn’t compare himself to others or put them down. He focuses on making his army the best fighters they personally can be, and he is not overconfident just because he was given invincible armour. Where some people would think they were untouchable, Overlord trained hard to remember fighting moves just in case.

“Your skills rusted away in my prison! As for me, I prepared for a day like this. I never let myself grow soft despite my newfound invincibility!”

—Overlord

Overlord does a lot of acting to intimidate Autobots into submission, so he says things like it is hopeless to oppose him. But inside, Overlord is a deeply insecure person. He is very cautious and prepares for the worst, and that’s why he is not arrogant. He can recognize when he is not good enough, so he overtries to make himself good enough.

“I was so eager to impress Lord Megatron… but... I was an incompetent general. I couldn’t protect my soldiers… the weight of all those deaths are upon me.”

—Overlord

People mistake Overlord’s sexy and confident theatrics as him being vain, but focus on his backstory to know Overlord only does what he thinks people want him to do/what will get him the results he wants. You are also warned beforehand, through Predaking’s thoughts, that Overlord is just acting.

Deep down, Overlord lacked soul, and no matter how grand his gestures and voice were, it was no more than a show. The same show Overlord had been giving since his gladiator days: his default and the only way he knew how to behave. His red eyes now glowed with full health, but were still as cold as ever.

Overlord is a sorry character that wants to be loved and noticed. It’s based on his youth where so many saw him as worthless. Megatron was an inspiration to him and when it seemed like his hero cared about him, Overlord gained an unhealthy obsession, wanting Megatron to give him more love. He does want other bots to care about him too, and Overlord thinks he has to be pretty for that.

Overlord brushed his fingers over his lips.

“I asked them, ‘How do I make them love me?’. I accepted one of their suggestions and so did my pit boss."

Overlord, personally, doesn’t understand why his current looks are considered peak fashion. He just accepted his new design because others liked it. He obsessively cleans and maintains himself not because he revels in it, but because of the love he gets. And he is so anxious that people will look down on him if he isn’t clean and pretty. He isn’t thinking about how pretty anyone else is; he’s only thinking about if you think he is pretty enough. 

Overlord doesn’t trust many other people and thinks they are super judgy. You could be filthy and ugly and Overlord would not think less of you. Overlord does not like sharing his past because he fears if other people knew how gross, unhealthy, damaged, and “unhandsome” he originally was, they wouldn’t treat him the same. The only person Overlord tells is Trepan and not even Lyzack or Leozack. 

This is very important: Overlord thought he was beautiful in his original form, but he wasn’t the right kind of beautiful to be loved.

But back then, I looked different. They judged me because I didn’t fit their image of an amicable, beautiful Cybertronian. I didn’t have optics as blue as energon or bright-coloured metal like a setting sun. I was the darkness of the universe with the optics of Unicron. I think I was beautiful then, just in a way no one appreciated because of their standards and beliefs… because my body felt normal to me. There was nothing wrong with me.”

—Overlord

(From @darks-lair​ )

Overlord does not judge based on looks, size, or strength. And he does not compare how he looks to anyone else, ever. I really don’t want anyone missing that part of him, and whoever does, did not understand his true personality

[talkingwithghosts555]

The Next Big Breath-Conversation with Paul Walker

K: Walker.

P: Quezada.

K: How are things?

P: Things are okay. This is different. (gesturing to the one chair)

K: It’s how it has to be right now.

P: I get it. At least it’s the same chair.

K: Some things in the mind don’t change. The rooms get bigger, but some rooms stay the same in case they need to be used again.

P: I get it. (sits)

K: I read something pretty amazing the other day.

P: I’d love to hear it.

K: It was just proof of my own personal experience…where I’ve been and what I’ve seen with my mind.

P: You’ve seen a lot.

K: I’ll have to paraphrase but it was a study into the electrical currents of the brain and the way they acted or were perceived…was just indicating that the mind was a universe in and of itself.

P: Yeah.

K: The way the article was written, it was just validating everything that Chris had talked about with the DNA and the quantum stuff and how I journeyed, so much, through different places of “Heaven” (finger quote)

P: Uh-huh.

K: And trying to write those journeys…they couldn’t always click with others because their journeying was very different, or they couldn’t (journey) because they wouldn’t allow themselves that experience because of judgement…shame…whatever they were serving to themselves at that moment.

P: Right.

K: It also gave a whole other definition to what imagination was or is.

P: And you had to read that from an article to actually believe it?

K: No. I always believed it. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have written the books that I have. It just gave me a more…solid footing in what I’ve done. Maybe gave it more of a reason to celebrate the stuff that I…we’ve shared.

P: (offers a small smile)

K: So, anyway, that was the article I read. Interesting, huh?

P: It is but it’s interesting in a way that just like aliens, the imagination or visionaries or the quantum is going to be getting its disclosure as well. It needs it.

K: What do you mean?

P: Aliens have always been this what if thing to people. NDEs (near death experience) was always this what if. When there is more research being shared, when there is more imagination shared, when there is more psychic travelling shared, that’s when disclosure of…”psychic” (finger quote) stuff will happen. But it has to be shared. I’m not saying it has to be accepted by everyone. I’m just saying it needs to be shared.

K: I get it. I understand that. It’s like those psychics who get depressed or anxious if they get a message for someone but don’t feel safe in sharing that. Then it sort of eats away at them.

P: Yeah.

K: Disclosure for psychic awareness or the universe of the mind…pretty cool stuff.

P: Pretty intense stuff.

K: But I know that’s not why you’re here.

P: (rubs his legs and stretches his torso in the chair) No.

K: What are you doing here, Walker?

P: Space.

K: Like stars and planets? Or emptiness?

P: I wouldn’t say emptiness. Space, even when quiet, is full of stuff.

K: Which one is it?

P: Emptiness or the perceived emptiness.

K: Okay.

P: I’ve been lookin’ in.

K: For sure.

P: And people are trying to fill their spaces, that are meant for evolution and growth, with things that will keep them in a limited space.

K: Okay.

P: This planet and everyone on it…who make it their home, are set to take their next deep breath. They’re getting ready to take the next step in the evolutionary process.

K: Big words.

P: Big deal is what it is.

K: Okay.

P: So now I’m looking around because I still have evolution for myself to accomplish and some of that is directly tied to where you are now.

K: Absolutely.

P: The thing is, if the Earth and everyone living on that planet is set to take their next deep breath…why are they choosing to hold it?

K: I need more.

P: (shuffles to the edge of the chair and starts talking with his hands) Spiritually, people are acting like hoarders. They’re saving everything that they need to let go of that’s not working but what’s not working is giving them comfort. When someone breathes and takes those deep breaths, their lungs need room to expand. Same with the energy, the spirit needs room to expand but to expand, the person…not the spirit but the person needs to clean house. They need to detox; they need to declutter. The spirit is trying to declutter itself…do a complete overhaul, change directions…change paths but people are hoarding what they thought was right for them when, most times, it really wasn’t. And if that space seems empty to them, they don’t hoard things, knowledge, they hoard names, experiences, places, faces, past hurts, past failures, past coulda-shoulda-woulda’s. Here (gesturing with his hands) people are getting ready to take a huge breath, but they can’t because they’re constricting themselves and their energy to fit into what can’t fit anymore.

K: While I understand that, we’ve had these conversations before.

P: Not this kind of conversation. It’s not only that people are feeling restricted and lost. They’re feeling claustrophobic, stifled…which is creating anxiety that is over the top right now. People want the disclosure. They want the psychic powers. They want the confidence. But what they don’t know is that they’re suffocating themselves by filling the space that’s available to do that, with things that they can’t take with them to have those things they crave.

K: I see that.

P: Space has gotten the wrong reputation. Real space…the space that can let a person breathe, is a place where…you come home to after a long day of stress. You come home and you’re in your space and you can breathe. That’s what space is for. It’s to allow things to breathe. Open a bottle of wine, you let it breathe so it tastes the way it’s meant to…even better. You get the meat off the grill…the smoker, you let it rest so it has the time to suck up all the goodness that leaked out to become what it’s meant to. Everything needs its space to be still, to grow, to breathe, to mature. But it can’t do that when the space is filled with things that will inhibit that.

K: For months I have been put in a space to chill and take notes.

P: I know.

K: But I wouldn’t have done that if a bomb hadn’t gone off. (narrowing my eyes and tapping my pen, hard, on purpose)

P: (rubs his bottom lip) Yeah. (sits back)

K: I feel like that space was given to sift through my past, especially with you and others…to bring light to this now moment. It’s very, very quiet…lots of space.

P: For sure.

K: In the beginning, however, it wasn’t an easy space to sit in because I had to fill that space with noise. Do you feel like people are filling their spaces with noise?

P: With noise…for sure. And the noise can be the runnin’ brain. It can be negative self-talk. It can be addictions, jealousies, fantasies, escapism, hiding…any of that is what the hoarders are doing right now. I’m holding my breath waiting for the big breath to happen, but people are so short of breath that they’re beggin’ for the oxygen tanks.

K: Is there space being given to…change their energy? For people to change their energy so the breath can happen easier?

P: Holy shit, Kim. Yes. That’s what this is all about. So, now you have the conversations happening about how to change the energy. And the thing is (leans forward again) people are being told how to change their energy but even that looks different and difficult and then the excuses come, and the hoarding becomes even more because the perception is that it’s easier to hoard or to keep or to control than to change the energy. People are being told how to change their energy. What’s stoppin’ them from doing that is that they’re looking at the whole Everest and not the first step. Even when they get halfway up that mountain, the storms hit, and they turn back because of the perceived danger and the thin air. Only the few will get to that summit.

K: And why do those few get to the summit?

P: Because they have something called belief. They have an innate trust in the space that’s around them that it’s not an empty hole that they’re gonna fall through. It’s a space that they’ll soar in with the support of the unseen…of love…of the spirit.

K: For sure.

P: Think of NDEs. Those near-death experiences.

K: Okay.

P: These people suddenly feel like they’re in this space of absolute freedom…it’s space but they don’t feel worried about the quiet because in the quiet, there is a feeling of complete love and trust for them…for the person experiencing that. They suddenly feel like they’re a part of something so profound and perfect that they don’t have the words to even describe it because the words don’t exist. They feel a part of everything; a part of The One.

K: I love those stories.

P: But that’s exactly what space is on Earth. When someone is given space, it’s an opportunity to be a part of that great expanse where you can come back from that and realize you’re a walking miracle. Because people that come back from NDEs…they know they’ve just experienced a miracle and that they are a part of that One. The NDE was giving them space to realize…they can do and be anything they want because for a fraction of time, they were that in death. They were reborn in space. People don’t have to die and go to heaven to be reborn. They can be reborn in the space that they are given…now. And being reborn allows anyone to take that big breath into the next and the next and the next.

K: Wow.

P: Now, when people come for a reading, and they are told you’re given space to do a, b, c, and d…we don’t just say that to say it. We say it because they are on the cusp of something that their spirits have been craving for a long time. It’s the opportunity to breathe.

K: And this is what you’ve been seeing?

P: I’ve had some time.

K: It’s gotten a little bit wild since we last talked.

P: I know. I see that. (continues to lean forward and clasps his hands)

K: Do you think conflict is created when people need to fill this space they’re given, with thoughts or ideas that…maybe they feel they have some control over.

P: That’s really good. Plain and simple, people are control freaks and space is out of their control so the negative cycle that’s really asking to be broken right now is to release your control. Releasing your control doesn’t mean that you’re giving your power away. Even when people say they’ve had things done to them…that’s not true. I’m seeing more and more…the rule of thumb is that it takes two to tango. So, the space, instead of finding ways to keep control of an out of control situation or feeling…is better used to see…how a person can let go…what are the parts that they are playing to use this space as a battleground to win some sort of victory or to hold another person to a standard that makes you feel comfortable and not them. This is what the chaos, that people are experiencing, is all about.

K: Do you feel like the space where that breath and evolution can take place, is part of a learning process?

P: (sits back and bounces his knee) What do you mean?

K: I don’t know. Maybe not so much a learning process but a process of unravelling…you said that to someone the other day. Space is given to unravel a lot of the stuff that we’ve tied ourselves up in.

P: If a person can use the space as a safe place to unravel, detach, uncuff themselves to things that just don’t matter anymore…it becomes productive. And that’s a really good point. Unravelling. Let’s take wedding dresses or…better yet…those contraptions women used to wear to suck it all in.

K: Corsets?

P: Yeah…those. They were done up so tight, the women were holding their breath.

K: Sure.

P: But at the end of the day, when it came off…how good did that feel. It was difficult to get out of it…all that ribbon and buttons…

K: (quietly laughing at image)

P: But to breathe after a day in a cage…come on.

K: People are that bound up right now?

P: A lot of people are, yeah.

K: Do you really see a collective big breath happening?

P: I do but…the corsets have been on so long that the first breath is gonna be hard to take. The space is going to be very overwhelming for some people and this is just a head’s up that it’s happening but if you’re insisting on hoarding, the breath will come in and expand anyway. For some, it’s gonna feel like a loss. For others…it’s gonna feel like they’ve come back from the dead with an understanding that they just experienced a miracle.

K: Like you being here…sitting in that chair and channeling this.

P: (grins and nods) It’s a pretty big miracle if I’m gonna be honest with you.

K: Because this is kind of a no-fly zone. (making a circle around my space)

P: (nods and scratches his head) I got clearance today.

K: You don’t say.

P: Yup.

K: And you believe that you won some sort of victory?

P: A little bit.

K: Holding another person to some preconceived standard…like you just said…I mean…I’m just seeing the light of this situation.

P: Seriously?

K: I may need the space to unravel some stuff here.

P: (lips are set in a thin line)

K: Now…I gotta go. But you can sit there (pointing to him in the chair) for as long as you like. It’s no problem. Sit and look pretty.

P: How could I forget how good you are at twisting space to your own advantage.

K: See…that’s your preconceived idea of who I am. I’m not twisting anything. I’m just repeating what you said.

P: (stares at me) I have no come back.

K: Didn’t think so. Sit. Look pretty. Do something you're good at.

P: (chuckles and shakes his head) I deserve that.

K: See ya.

P: Bye.

[emotionallychargedtowel]

Getting-acquainted questions from the lovely @waitmyturtles​, who I’ve been enjoying getting to know and would love to continue to know better. Thanks for the tag!

I’m going to skip the tagging part myself, sorry. Tagging people on things like this always makes me off-the-charts anxious. If you see this and are interested in it, though, please feel more than welcome. The tagging prompt, should you choose to accept it, is to tag nine people you would like to get to know better.

Three Ships:

Hira x Kiyoi - These two are frustrating and deeply weird but their story is so compelling in a way that’s relatable despite, or maybe because of, their weirdness. And then occasionally they are the absolute sweetest. Their relationship isn’t likely to closely resemble viewers’ real-life relationships, yet the issues and emotions that get explored in their story resonate much more broadly. My forever blorbos.

Togawa x Nozue - Old Fashion Cupcake is like the Jane Austen novel version of a BL. Things look calm on the surface but so much emotion is simmering underneath and every stray word, glance, or social gesture is invested with an immense amount of meaning (and often, misinterpreted). Totally my wheelhouse. Nozue’s mixture of charm, competence, and frighteningly low confidence is super endearing, while Togawa’s assertive, purposeful side is undercut by how vulnerable his feelings for Nozue make him.

Seo Joon x Ji Woo - I love the subtle, complex way their story developed in season 1 of To My Star and although season 2 was like a punch in the gut, it ended up working well for me in the end. There’s something so special about when an incredibly guarded person finally opens themselves up to caring for and being cared for by others, like when a feral cat finally lets you pet them.

First Ship:

Like, first in my lifetime, or first since I got into BL, or something else?

The first time I ever heard about ships/shipping as a term was when I was watching Veronica Mars in my 20s. I was pro-LoVe, Logan and Veronica, 100%.

I think the very first time I rooted for two characters on TV to get together was probably watching Moonlighting as a kid and wanting Cybil Shepherd and Bruce Willis to get together. That or Sam and Diane on Cheers. In both cases, when those people finally got together, the aftermath was a huge letdown. I think I still have baggage from both those shows!

I think the first BL ship I really felt strongly about was probably Hira x Kiyoi. I’d already seen some BLs and enjoyed them but hadn’t gotten really invested in that way until Utsukushii Kare.

Last Song:

KAYTRANADA fr. H.E.R. - Intimidated

This song is a bit outside my usual area but I’ve been trading song recommendations with a friend lately, and as a result, I’m listening to a bunch of things I normally wouldn’t. This is one of my favorite things my friend has shared with me so far.

Last Movie:

I’m part of the way through watching Minari with my husband and really enjoying it (although it’s also stressing me out). I have young kids so seeing a movie from start to finish with no interruptions is rare. If we’re only counting movies I’ve seen from start to finish, the last one I watched was Broker, which I loved.

Currently Reading:

I’m listening to the audiobook version of How the Word Is Passed by Clint Smith--I highly recommend the audiobook specifically. Smith is a poet as well as a journalist and his style of narration in the audiobook is engaging, artistic, and just contributes a lot to the work.

Re-reading portions of The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner for a post I’m thinking about. 

I’m also reading a couple of books about UX research for job search reasons but y’all don’t want to hear about that.

Currently Watching:

BLs:

Utsukushii Kare season 2

Ameiro Paradox

Blueming

note: I keep almost starting Bad Buddy but there are a bunch of options for watching it online and I’m getting a little paralyzed by too many possibilities. If anybody has any advice about the best place to watch it, please let me know.

tokusatsu:

Kamen Rider Build

Kamen Rider Revice

Avataro Sentai Donbrothers

American stuff:

Poker Face

Abbott Elementary

His Dark Materials

Currently Consuming:

Just had an everything bagel. Currently obsessed with an NYT recipe for “creamy doenjang pasta.” Probably going to raid my husband’s stash of dried mangoes at some point here. Well, raid in the sense of stealing a couple of pieces.

Currently Craving:

Chinotto (the Italian soda). I had a place I could buy this stuff in Austin but I don’t know of a place that has it here in the Seattle area. It’s bitter and aperitif-ish, made with a kind of sour orange. It’s basically like if cola was a bit more complex and weird.

It’s such a cliche, but chocolate. I’m not a big fan of the chocolate we keep around the house for the kids (Cadbury’s Dairy Milk) and don’t have any of my own, so I may have to bake something.

Utsukushii Kare season 2, episode 2. I’m not used to watching BLs as they come out weekly so the wait for next Tuesday is making me a bit cranky.

Diptyque Eau Capitale - I’m obsessed with this perfume but I only have a small sample so I’ve been hoarding it. It’s a really classy, complex, well-blended rose-patchouli thing. Super cozy. I should honestly go put some of it on right now, to heck with hoarding.

[bihansthot]

I had rough times and deleted everything on my phone to feel a bit better. Just downloaded tumblr few mins ago and instantly I got the notification of your post. Damn I missed out what happened lately… first of all I know your bday is passed but still HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Second: CONGRATULATIONS!! That’s a big thing actually but people have different opinions and reactions to stuff so I don’t wanna be all negative about what just happened and your HUSBAND? When did that happened, I feel like I’m in the movie interstellar. Love you and I hope you feel better soon! 🤍🤍

You know I’ve been awful at responding lately when I missed two bday wishes and my bday was over two weeks ago. I’m so sorry it took me so long to get back to you as you probably know my life has just been medical chaos lately.

We sat down and had a good talk about it and it turns out I had totally misconstrued what they meant and I got upset for no reason. My partner (I’m trying to be better about using this term instead of husband now because they are nonbinary) explained that they very much wanted to celebrate my transplant anniversary with me and that I deserved that and reassured me that they were just in a bad head space at the time because they had been so worried about me lately with all the medical problems and hospital visits. I had no idea they had been so worried and stressed out about me because my partner has high functioning autism and adhd so they have a hard time expressing or showing emotion, so we agreed to try and be better about letting one another know when we were worried or anxious.

The current plan is we’re going to go to Las Vegas the weekend of the 25th of Aug and my actual transplant anniversary is the 25th. So it works out nicely for time off purposes for them that it’s on a Friday, I really want to go to the Bacchanal Buffet and Din Tai Fung and stay at the Luxor but everything else is kind of up in the air. I’m really proud of myself for making enough mental progress over these last few years to finally enjoy and celebrate this huge milestone, I may still hate the fact I had to have a heart transplant in the first place but it’s the reason I’m still here and dammit I’m going to eat some amazing food, get drunk and play slot machines because I’ve been through a shit load and deserve a celebration. I also want to honor and celebrate my donor though because without them I wouldn’t still be here and they are no longer with us, so I’ve decided to stop being a sad miserable, depressed, pitiful creature and live life for both of us. It took me a long ass time to get out of the self loathing, wanting to end everything pit but I finally am happy with life and happy with living so I’m going to make sure they get to experience that too in whatever philosophical way you want to interpret that.

So, for clarification sake I’ve been married to my then husband now partner for over 10 years now, we started dating 17 years ago and have been together ever since. I just don’t talk about them or being polyamorous too much because I see a lot of hate towards nonbinary people and polyamorous people, to clarify I’m AFAB personally gender fluid though I lean female and use female pronouns, I’m also pansexual if anyone was wondering but prefer men. My partner is AMAB, bisexual, nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns and I’m super proud of them for discovering who they are, because it hasn’t been easy for them. My boyfriend on the other hand is AMAB uses he/him pronouns and is very heterosexual but isn’t a cis het douche he’s all for trans rights and a good guy all around. So to summarize I’m polyamorous and have a partner of 17 years and a boyfriend of almost 9 months now. Both relationships are going very well and my mental health has never been better.

I hope your doing better my love I know you mentioned you went through a rough patch and I hope that’s all over now. I’m sending all the love.

[theflyingfeeling]

32 paired with 6 for the spring prompts with Olli/Joonas? 🥺👉👈💕

I could have picked the entire list ngl these prompts are all so cute?? ;-;

By now spring has turned into summer and so have the "spring" prompts, I hope you don't mind though! 😁 btw this is NOT the version I originally started writing for this prompt (became frustrated and anxious about the length of that one; maybe one day I'll finish it and you'll get to read it!), instead I'm giving you a glimpse of the AU for which I got inspiration from Dublin 🙊 (a bit of deets in the tags, but beware spoilers!). Maybe after posting this I can eventually push myself to write the whole AU 😅

Thank you so much everyone who sent in their spring prompt requests! Now on to the domestic prompts (finally!) 💕

You can find all the spring fluff in this tag on my blog 🌷

32. Farmer’s market AU: I keep buying your stuff and flirting with you

+

06. Gardener and rich person AU (1986 words)

~

There was a vase filled with roses on the bedside table that Joonas could not remember seeing there when he had gone to bed the night before. They were the kind he loved the most, out of all the different varieties of roses in the garden: dark red, almost black, with thorns that would definitely grate your skin to bloody scrapes if you weren’t careful enough (and Joonas was, ever since he fell into the bush when he was six years old).

Joonas stretched his long limbs but couldn’t quite make himself get out of bed just yet, even though he knew his half-brother would soon storm in and yank the velvet curtains on his window open. Joonas’ only hope was that Joel would be too sleep-deprived to care about him after having been wandering about the cemetery half the night again. 

(It seemed Joel thought Joonas wouldn’t hear his quiet steps echoing in the hallway in the dead of night, and Joonas felt too sorry for the man to bring up the topic himself.)

Eventually Joonas grew bored of wasting the morning in bed and set his bare feet on the soft rug by his bed. He yawned and flexed his arms above his head once more before he stood up and walked over to the window.

Pulling the curtains aside he couldn’t see much for a while, the sunbeams blinding his vision momentarily. Once his eyes had adjusted to the sudden light, he let his eyes wander on the yard that opened before him. From the fourth floor he had quite the view that reached to the farthest corners of the estate, but soon enough his eyes fixed on a small figure by the rose bushes.

A slow smile formed on Joonas lips as he observed the gardener focused on his work, occasionally stopping to wipe sweat off his forehead. Joonas could imagine the gardener’s curls sticking onto his temples and a layer of sweat glistening on his skin, perhaps even on his chest that would peek out from the collar of the gardener’s shirt.

Joonas picked one of the roses to bring it close to his nose. The smell reminded him of a particularly tropical night two days ago, when the temperature inside his chambers had rosen close to the nearly 30 degrees it had been all afternoon, and not only because of the heatwave they were currently experiencing.

He grinned and set the flower on the table while he found a white linen shirt to wear. Then he took the rose with him as he strolled across the room, stopping to grab one of his favourite hats from the rack by the door and headed to the stairway.

~

Joonas made sure to make his arrival heard by the gardener so as not to startle him; it wouldn’t have been the first time the poor man would have dropped his pruning shears upon Joonas greeting him unannounced.

“Hi there,” Joonas said softly once the gardener had lifted his gaze from the roses in front of him.

“Good morning, my lord.”

“Olli,” Joonas frowned, “have I not told you to call me by my name? You know my father’s not here to scold you about it anymore.”

Since he’s been pushing up daisies for four weeks now.

“An old habit,” Olli pursed his lips. “Besides, the butler would not approve if I failed to address you accordingly.”

Joonas turned to look around himself exaggeratingly.

“Is dear old Santeri hiding somewhere in the bushes spying on us?”

“Shhhh, he might!” Olli giggled, with a melody more gay and clear than that of the robin’s song.

“Always knew he’s a little deviant,” Joonas said, just to make Olli laugh a little louder. Joonas bit his lip as Olli’s amusement revealed the gap between his front teeth, just another feature Joonas had always loved about this young man he had known since they were boys and Olli’s mother had been hired as the gardener to look after the perennials Joonas’ own mother had planted a long time ago. 

Eventually their laughter died and the garden fell quiet again, as quiet as it can on a summer afternoon with the birds tweeting above their heads and the wind rustling the leaves of the trees surrounding the estate.

“Well. I shall not distract you more than this,” Joonas sighed, a smile still lingering on his mouth. Then he took a few steps closer to Olli, took his own felt hat off his head and dropped it on top of Olli’s. “Don’t overwork yourself, love,” he winked.

He was already walking away when Olli’s voice called for him.

“Joonas?”

Joonas stopped and turned in the middle of the lawn, waiting for the gardener to go on.

“There’s, umm…a farmer’s market today. In town.”

“There is?” Joonas asked, as if he hadn’t noticed the advertisement falling out of Olli’s pocket the other night.

“And I will, of course, see to my work here in the garden first and foremost, but… I’ve been growing a little something of my own. In the servants’ yard.”

“Are we not paying you enough?” Joonas asked and immediately wanted to bite off his tongue; just last week he had discovered crumpled paperwork in his father’s drawer, a document of the staff’s wages being cut to barely above the minimum since the beginning of the new season. He doubted it was the only one of such measures in the past few years his old man had done in an effort to save the business his own father had once been so proud of.

“No, no, it’s not like that at all!” Olli hurried to correct him, a hint of panic in his eyes. “It’s just…nothing more but a stupid hobby. I’m sorry, my lord, forget about it.”

Olli’s eyes were directed to his shoes now, and Joonas already missed their dark shade. 

Slowly he walked back to Olli and stopped to almost touch the tips of his leather shoes to Olli’s beaten-up ones, covered with brown and green stains from soil and grass. He caressed the smooth skin of Olli’s jaw with his fingertips to make the gardener look him in the eyes.

“Of course you’ll go, Olli. And you’ll sell each and every little vine and herb you’ve grown.”

Joonas himself would make sure of that.

~

“You see that curly-headed man over there?” Joonas whispered to a little girl and pointed towards Olli, tending to his seedlings nervously in his selling booth. “I want you to go and buy anything you want from him with these.” Then he pressed a few coins to the girl's small palm.

“Can I buy the pretty daisies and give them to mommy?” the girl asked with her eyes wide and glistening.

“Why don’t you buy them all and take some to granny as well?” Joonas smiled and slid a few more coins to the girl before sending her off.

He retreated behind a stand selling fresh bread and pies to watch how the girl skipped to Olli’s flower stall and pointed at the basket of pink, yellow and red flowers. When Olli picked up a few of them, the girl shook her head and handed him the money Joonas had given her. The surprise on Olli’s face was evident from how his mouth hung upen and how his eyes blinked a few times before he took the basket, tied a big pink ribbon on it and reached over the table to give it to the girl. Olli’s joyous smile was a mirror of the girls’ as she curtsied to the gardener and pranced along, possibly already picturing her mother’s delighted face upon seeing the basket and its contents.

Joonas observed Olli in his dumbfounded state before sauntering to his stall. Up close, Olli’s eyes gleamed even more brightly than Joonas had been able to see from his hideout.

“So! How’s business?” he asked casually and put his hands in his pocket where more coins waited to be wasted on pretty little flowers and whatever the dark green weeds next to them were.

“I am astounded, my lord.” Joonas winced at the title, but then he remembered they were in public, and even if the people of the town wouldn’t recognise Olli as one of his employees, they sure would frown upon a seemingly mere commoner calling the fresh owner of the Paradise Hotel by his first name.

“That so?”

“Earlier I sold a bunch of roses to a young man who wanted to surprise his sweetheart, and just now little Julia came and wanted to buy a whole basket of gerberas. This is beyond my wildest dreams!” Olli sighed and massaged his cheeks, perhaps to try and hide his excited blush but only ending up making his face even redder.

“I’m pleased to hear that, old friend,” Joonas said and made a mental note to thank the tavern keeper's son later for helping Joonas with his plan. “But I’m not surprised. These beautiful blossoms deserve every bit of recognition they get.”

“These are but shrubs…” Olli mumbled, smiling bashfully at the flowers.

“I mean it, Olli. You should hear how the guests at the hotel keep wondering about the garden at dinner. Some of them I’ve had to bribe out of offering you a job at theirs.”

Olli chuckled and shook his head.

“You expect me to believe that?”

“It’s true, every word!” Joonas argued, because it was; the famous rose garden was one of the main attractions of the whole estate, and on more than one occasion a guest had asked to meet the creator of such wonders. Quite selfishly Joonas had deprived them of the honour, however, as he hated those times when he spotted a vacationer having wandered to the garden and engaged Olli in a relaxed conversation. Joonas wasn’t a jealous type, per se, but he did intend to be the only one to make Olli’s bright laughter chime in the evening air, preferably inside his bedroom if he could help it. 

Olli shook his head again and opened his mouth to say something, but then Joonas saw his eyes move on to someone beside Joonas. 

“How much for the begonias?”

Joonas retreated to the side and let the new customer – this time not one of his own minions – to haggle over the prices of the orange flowers and fiddled with the few coins left in the bottom of his trouser pocket. A moment later they said goodbyes, the woman with an armful of begonias, Olli with a handful of cash and a satisfied smile on his face.

“See? People are practically ripping the flowers out of your hands!”

An attractive shade of pink spreading to his cheeks, Olli put the money carefully in a small purse he kept in the front pocket of his apron.

“Are you here just to mouth off or are you gonna buy something too?” Olli said with his voice low. He looked up at Joonas from under his brows and batted his long, dark eyelashes, making Joonas want to go back to the hotel and empty their already half-empty safe and give it all to Olli in exchange for the colourful plants spread on the table between them.

“Funny you should mention,” Joonas fished a few coins from his pocket. “What might I get with five shillings?”

Olli burst into laughter.

“Just five? Nothing but weeds, I’m afraid.” But before Joonas could put the money back from where he took it, Olli gestured him to lean in closer.

The gardener brought his lips close to Joonas’ ear so that Joonas could feel his breathing on his skin. Shivers of pleasure went down Joonas’ spine when Olli whispered in his ear:

“But perhaps we can come to an agreement of payment at, let’s say, ten o’clock tonight?”

Joonas licked his own lips in anticipation before answering.

“You’ve got yourself a deal, gardener.”

[synthetickitsune]

Duo | CyA | (f)

Summary: Being CyA's friend had its benefits - private lessons being just one of them. But as the time goes on and you spend more and more of it together, things just can't stay the same. (requested) Word count: 2,9k Warnings: none

Sighing for what felt like the thousandth time, he put the instrument away. He was feeling empty inside, somehow. Uninspired, most of all. Stuck. The music just wouldn’t come to him and he kept messing up whatever he was trying to play the whole evening. He tried to come up with some melody of his own, but the muses were evading him as well. It was all useless. He felt like he wasn’t moving forward, his skills stagnating. Or even worse, degrading. He felt like a wilting flower. Leaning back in his chair, he tried to chase the depressing thoughts away. He knew it was just his frustration and fears talking. With his eyes closed, he wondered what he could do. He was sick of feeling this way as he knew it was impacting his performance as well. 

He got lost in his thoughts until suddenly he remembered. The idea made his lips curl up in an anxious smile. He picked up his phone from the table and shot a quick text to the one person he felt could help him - you. You were no musical expert, but that was the point. Kind of. What was more important was that you were a loyal friend, one who’d allow him to come over virtually any time and just hang out. It always helped him clear his mind. Besides you always begged him to show you some advanced tricks or just to teach you to play a little of bass, being something of a guitarist yourself. He often teased you that it’d be better to ask Hyungu and hone your guitar skills instead, but secretly he was glad that he was the one you trusted to guide you.

The only problem was, he hasn’t spoken to you in a while. At least it felt like a pretty long time. He was afraid you might ignore his message, because he was the first one to admit he hasn’t been the best friend lately. He was busy, he told you, and it was equal parts the truth and an excuse. It was complicated and he was feeling down, he had no energy to analyze his feelings right now.  

His phone vibrated in his hand, the screen lighting up with a notification of a new message. He read it immediately. With a smile he didn’t realize he was wearing, he got up, packed his bass and rushed out through the busy city to your place. 

-x-

You, on the other hand, were busy tidying up the place to make it look presentable. Giuk’s seen it at its worst, sure, after all he helped you move here and he’d seen all the mess of before and after, but that was no reason to forget about keeping up appearances. And you had yourself to take care of as well. As soon as you decided the place was alright, you ran into the bathroom to brush your hair again and check yourself in the mirror. You always felt strangely nervous when you were supposed to see him, which currently meant that you began thinking about whether you’ll manage a quick shower before he arrives. The answer was no, apparently, as the doorbell rang. At least you didn’t have to worry about it anymore.

Opening the door, you smiled at your friend. You stepped aside to let him in and greeted him. 

“Thanks for letting me come over straight away,” he said as he took off his shoes and put the case with his bass down. 

“You’re thanking me for not having life? Wow, Giukie, I didn’t expect that from you,” you teased as you opened your arms to hug him as per your traditional greeting ceremony. 

“At least I can have you all to myself,” he chuckled, but you noticed the pink tint to his ears. It was cute, but you didn’t want to make him even more flustered by commenting on it, especially with your own cheeks getting flushed. Instead, you just led him into your room - like he didn’t know the way himself, having already visited you more times than you could count. 

“So, what’s bothering you? It sounded pretty bad,” you asked, trying to show only a moderate amount of concern. Something about him always made you worry more than you probably should. He just shrugged with an uneasy grin as he sat down on your bed and pulled his bass into his lap.

“Nothing works,” he sighed, “I’m stuck. I keep making mistakes. It’s like I forgot everything I knew about playing.” You saw how much it worried him, and you could only guess how deep his concerns were, not only because of himself, but also because of his members. His gaze was empty as he absent mindedly plucked the strings. Your heart ached for him.

“You know, every time I see you, you’re more and more dramatic. I wonder who you got it from,” you teased with a soft smile, earning a huff from him. “But I bet it’s not gonna be that serious. You probably just need a little change or rest.” And as rest was not an option, all you could do was try to help him.

“Should I get my guitar?” you asked. Sometimes it helped him to play with you, in a setting he didn’t see everyday and with someone who wasn’t one of his hyungs. He shook his head no. Well, that only left you with the other option. You carefully took his instrument from him and pulled it into your lap. 

“So, wanna show me something today? Maybe it will help to remember where you came from and I think I still remember the basics,” you asked as you tried to play the thing with the same ease he did, only to fail miserably. 

“Please, that was just what you need to know before you learn the basics,” he teased back but moved to sit behind you all the same. 

It felt comfortable to have him so close. The familiar feeling of warmth spreading through your body enveloped you, and you were glad, like many times before, that in this position he couldn’t really see your face. You felt safe, but not just that. This felt like a true home. You argued with your brain against the logic of the emotions many times - you were basically trapped, his arms on either side of your body, the bass in front of you, and him behind you. You should feel claustrophobic and want to escape, no? Obviously no, because it felt like the safest place in the universe. You’d never understand your own mind.

Somehow you managed to focus on what he was teaching you anyway. And as your session progressed, you saw the spark of passion returning to Giuk. So as any good friend would do, you kept messing up on purpose until he became frustrated enough to take his baby back and show you how it’s done. Only he didn’t stop there. He kept playing and playing, getting more lost in the music with each second. You could only sit back and watch him. He was always attractive, but seeing him like this - so lost in his craft that he forgot about the world, that had to be your favorite look on Giuk. 

Eventually though, he remembered, his fingers slowly coming to a stop while his head shot up to look at you. It was at times like this that you remembered why he was often likened to a hamster. You chuckled and gave a small round of excited applause. He dropped his gaze, shy that he got so lost in his short performance. 

“Sorry, I’m a terrible teacher,” he laughed, trying to collect himself.

“It doesn’t matter,” you waved him off, “You were amazing, Giuk! I never heard that melody before.” 

“Well, duh,” he gave you a little smirk. He seemed very pleased with himself, and you were, in turn, happy as well. Not to mention your heart was beating like crazy with the knowledge you’ve probably just witnessed what will become yet another masterpiece. 

“So how do you feel now? Are you still forgetting all you’ve ever known?” you elbowed him gently. 

“Not really,” he smiled, “Thanks a ton. I guess I should be going while my brain is still working.” He sighed, sounding almost apologetic. You didn’t really want him to go, but you’d never hold him back from his work. You knew how important it was to him, so you just helped him pack the bass and walked him to the door.

“What would I do without you?” he lingered by the door, a small grin adoring his face.

“You’d probably be banging your head against the wall,” you guessed jokingly, your expression mirroring his, “I hope it goes well. Show me the result next time, okay?” He nodded, still hesitating with one hand on the door handle. You gave him a questioning look.

“No goodbye hug?” he looked to the ground, the corner of his lips twitching. You chuckled, walking up to him without hesitation. The familiar sense of security and peace enveloped you as his arms wrapped around you. 

“Thank you, I mean it. I’d be useless without you,” he whispered without letting go. You shook your head, also not easing your hold of him. 

“Nonsense. You’re a genius, you made it all on your own, okay?” you nuzzled into his shoulder slightly, not noticing the way he had to bite his lip not to squeak. He hated that he had to let you go now. Even though he pulled away, his hand still lingered on your forearm.

“I’ll show you the song when it’s finished, I promise,” he said in a way of goodbye and you rushed him out of the door, now even more impatient to hear the finished product. Or the first draft of it, whatever, honestly. It was ridiculous how happy his success always made you. 

-x-

He felt like he should hate himself for what he was doing. He tried to argue with himself that he wasn’t doing anything wrong. Every single drama and anime protagonist has done it in their life, haven’t they? There was no harm in this. Yet still he doubted himself. 

He’s been coming over to your place at least once or twice a week for a while now and it helped both his inspiration and your friendship. Only ‘friendship’ no longer felt like the proper, or desired, label. Partly because you’ve become more, now playing and sometimes even recording together, creating music unique to the two of you. He treasured it more than he could ever put into words. Not only were you giving life to something amazing together, he saw every step of your improvement. You gained a lot of confidence playing the guitar and the continuous practice made you pretty good. Nowhere near the level of Hyungu, but still great.

You’ve become partners, only not the kind that he would like. Giuk didn’t know when exactly his feelings became this complicated or when and how they finally sorted themselves, he only knew that he wanted to be by your side. Always. He’s known you for so long he couldn’t remember a time when you weren’t in his life, and he most certainly didn’t wish to know what kind of life that would be. The only problem was that even though he could be happy as long as he was with you, he knew that he wouldn’t feel complete if you were just his friend. He couldn’t imagine what would happen to him should he ever see you with another person. 

He was a coward for not admitting his feelings. Somewhere deep down he knew that you probably felt the same way. He wasn’t oblivious, he noticed that your relationship was somewhere on the blurry line between friendship and romance, he noticed the signs you liked him too. Yet he was afraid. Maybe he’s read the signs wrong, maybe you were just always behaving like that and his mind was reading too much into it because he was lovesick. He knew he kept coming to you for more than just music, and the knowledge was eating him alive. Sometimes he still showed you how to play bass and he got to hold you close and as much as he loved it, it hurt him. He felt like he was using you, even if his intentions were pure.

He had so many doubts he was thinking about that he almost didn’t notice he was already standing in front of your door. You opened them before he could even knock, making him jump in surprise.

“I’m sorry, I just heard steps and figured it’d be you,” you laughed at him as he tried to act nonchalantly. He grumbled, setting down the case with his instrument. You hugged him as always, allowed yourself to let the embrace last a beat longer. You hoped he didn’t notice.

“So what’s the plan for today?” you asked when you parted. It was hard to resist the temptation to hold his hands that were just hanging by his sides when they could be in yours instead.

“Actually, there’s something I’d like to talk to you about first, if you don’t mind,” he said and purposely left the statement vague, enjoying the way you squirmed and whined. He wished he had something else to say, but this was almost equally as important, something he’s given a lot of thought as well. Unaware of exactly how nervous he made you, he led you to your living room to sit on the sofa comfortably.

This was new, usually you only hung out in your bedroom. It made you nervous. You wondered whether you’d done something wrong and he’s gonna tell you that he doesn’t wanna do this anymore. The possibility of not having these jamming sessions, of not seeing him as often and having him close almost made your eyes teary but you kept your emotions in check. You sat down next to him and stayed quiet, waiting for him to speak.

“It’s not a big deal, or well, you’ll see, but I was thinking whether you’d mind if I maybe uploaded our music somewhere?” Despite how confident he seemed just a minute ago, his tone was soft and careful. You felt like hitting him for giving you the scare of your life, and then the shock of your life.

“But it’s just us playing,” you argued, confused.

“I could write some lines, or you can try too. I just think that we’re doing pretty good and even if it’s just us jamming out, it’s relaxing to listen to, don’t you think?” he chuckled a little nervously, which you hated to see so you tried to ease the tension a little bit even if your own heart was racing.

“I thought you already had a band,” you teased, and it worked. He relaxed, his smile more genuine.

“Yeah. But maybe we could be, like, what’s the word…” he felt it, the premonition of something terrible happening, but he couldn’t do anything to stop it, “We could be a couple-” He froze on the spot. That most certainly was not the correct word and you knew it just as well. You were as shocked as he was, but you were even more surprised by how hopeful you were. 

It was a mistake, but he wouldn’t react the way he did if it was just that. He had to mean it, in some way, right? The tension between you two, the lingering touches, the lowkey flirting, everything about the things that kept happening between you two, the reluctance to part. He had to feel it too. You saw him panicking inside, you knew you only had a second.  

“Yes! We could be a couple - no take backs!” you said before he could open his mouth and ruin what you guessed would be your only chance to express your feelings. He stared at you like a deer caught in headlights. You could almost picture the gears in his head turning. “I mean, unless you’re not okay with that,” you murmured carefully, giving him a smile to show that it’d really be alright. Your heart would heal again.

“N-no, I’d love that, actually,” he finally stammered out, looking everywhere but you, his ears an adorable shade of red. Finally though your eyes met and neither of you could hold back your smiles any longer. 

“Can I hug you?” you asked, uncertain, but instead of responding, he pulled you close himself. You melted in his embrace, smiling so much your cheeks hurt but that was okay. Everything was okay. 

“You have no idea how happy I am,” he sighed, squeezing you tighter, “I really wanted to ask you out but I was afraid.” 

“Same here. We’re really stupid, aren’t we?” you laughed, nuzzling into his shoulder. It was something you’ve done hundreds of times, but somehow it felt completely new. 

“Anyway, I still didn’t get my answer,” he reminded you without letting you go. You weren’t complaining.

“Well, I don’t think I can say no to my boyfriend when he’s being so sweet and cuddly,” you teased, biting your lip with happiness at the new label.

“Yeah, I don’t think you should either,” he agreed, pulling away to gently press his lips against yours.

[cathademia]

Hi! this is following up from the other day. I saw the post about male ob/gyns and was like "I have some lightly contradictory opinions I would like to chuck in" - so that's all this is, and whatever degree of ignoring/posting/responding is completely fine with me.

First is just some personal experience, and in aiming for not-too-much-personal-info on the Internet I'm going with minimal detail: I'm a mid-20s woman who has, since I was old enough to get the choice, mostly said that I would prefer female physicians. But looking back, I don't think I can say that my experiences as a patient with female physicians have been any better, on average, than experiences with male physicians, in any area of medicine. I'm not in any way saying "actually male ob/gyns are better", I just want to emphasize strongly, based on my own personal experience, that female doctors are in no way immune from making patients feel bad just because they're the same gender. (I know you already brought up that some women are comfortable with some male doctors, I just wanted to hit the flip side of that specifically.)

(Also, for the main contrast I'm thinking of, it's entirely possible and even probable that I got one particular female doctor on a too-busy day, or that she didn't realize how anxious I was or she would have acted differently- and I'm very certain that the male doctor who I had a better experience with, at the same office, had been told something about how anxious/upset I had been when seeing the female doctor, and I think he probably adjusted his demeanor based on that knowledge.)

All that to say, I've grown to feel that, PERSONALLY, if I'm already in a patient-doctor situation, I think I'm going to be much more concerned with the doctor's attitude and demeanor than what gender they are, including for very personal fields of medicine. Just my own current opinion, but I felt it was relevant to add.

The second part is something that I heard recently in an educational context- and this is very condensed and paraphrased - from a retired, Catholic, male OB/GYN, in terms of motivation to join that field. He had already talked about some of his journey as a Catholic and a doctor, which was a whole thing on its own. But later, someone asked him why he chose OB/GYN, and his answer really surprised me: in short, it was to earn more for his family. I forget what it was he had originally wanted to go into, but I guess it wasn't great in terms of compensation for supporting his wife (and kid? kids? sorry I forget the timeline) but I do remember him saying that, basically under pressure from his wife, he went OB/GYN so he'd be in a medical field sufficient to support his family financially. (I think it was somehow related to his other interest but I forget exactly how). I wasn't expecting that at all, and I think that falls into an interesting category quite separate from the sort of "selfless moral interest in helping women based in unforeseen life events" idea (although I feel that that's also valid for sure) that you brought up in the other post. Personally, I think it's a non-skeevy reason to join the field, but that really is just my opinion.

Also, and separately, as an aspiring doctor myself (maybe ob/gyn, in fact!) I definitely think the above with the finances is a good reminder that in addition to the Big Stuff, there are a lot of mundane and practical aspects that play into a career in medicine as well, whether we want them to or not.

any kind of response or none at all is completely fine! Just wanted to let you know these thoughts. Thanks!

I don’t disagree with what you’ve said here. And like I said, the amazing physician who worked with my mom (for three VBACs! In geriatric pregnancies!!) was male. There are great male OB/gyns

That said, something pretty important to me that I neglected to mention in my other post is something that’s common in disability activism: nothing about us without us. Now it wouldn’t be practical to have all autistic doctors treat autistic patients or all deaf doctors teach deaf patients etc., because of numbers but also because some disabilities are so debilitating that it would be very hard to live with it and make a name for yourself in medicine. Generally the reason people talk about this is because treatments and care doesn’t often have good enough applicability to actual patients’ lives. But! We can actually do this with obstetric care. Approximately 52% of humans are women, so this is absolutely an area where we can use life experience to inform care and even research questions. A good example of something created WITHOUT life experience is symphysiostomy. It’s a procedure used as an alternative to c-sections… but it also causes severe bladder incontinence. Most women feel really uncomfortable talking about their postpartum incontinence, especially with men (even male doctors). And for the ones that did talk about it, the male doctors misjudged that abdominal wall integrity would be more important than bladder control to most women, and so the procedure was conducted for decades even after we knew the side effects. Again, this isn’t to say that men can’t overcome these barriers. It’s more to say that having the profession be largely or wholly comprised of women would simply make these sorts of barriers nonexistent.

Also referring to the doctor you talked to: obstetrics SHOULD have an additional calling beyond finances and it just being a job. Obviously that’s idealistic but it is how I feel. You’re present for the first day of a lot of babies’ lives and the best day of a lot of parents’ lives. I would like to see the future of obstetrics taken with the same community mindset as midwifery but with the training of medical school. (I’m aware this is a bit much.) We definitely need a large shift in how we in the United States view birth. Part of that is overturning Roe. Another part, in my opinion, is seeing birth as a community event among women. I think having men do the role, as they’re traditionally the providers of the family, puts added social pressure to see it as a job and way to make great money, which goes against what I’m aiming to see going forward

In regards to abuse, it is true that OB-gyns have a higher risk of sexual assault to patients, and that when looking at statistics the vast majority of not all of it was from male OBs. I am writing this right before choir rehearsal so I don’t have my stats on me but you can look it up. Most of them are obviously fine. The percentage is still small. But we also know that it would be very very close to zero if women did that job.

Additionally, given that so many exams are vaginal, for modesty reasons as a Catholic I think it is preferable to have a female physician. (This is not a legal argument, and honestly none of my arguments here are intended to make being a male obgyn illegal. It’s more the social expectation I’m hoping will change.) Obviously it’s not always practical to have female doctors treat women but I think for OB-gyns, whose primary interactions with a patient are with either their vagina or breasts, it makes some sense to have women do it. This is obviously a very religious line of reasoning, but where else can you make religious lines of reasoning than on tumblr dot com.

And then lastly for practical reasons getting a vaginal exam that’s more involved than just a Pap smear is simply less painful when the person has narrower fingers. With rare exception, women have narrower fingers

[aaalanasblog]

Journal Entry #1:

I have no idea what life is right now. I feel like when you hit 23-26, you begin to wonder what you’re even doing for real. You’re really a toddler-adult. Like I’ve only been here for three days??

I was affected by layoffs in 2023 and wasn’t able to find something else to keep my income stable during that time. It was frustrating having my income drop ✨drastically✨. But during the same year, I found newfound confidence in achieving my dream of becoming a pop artist?

I long let the dream go because I felt that I maybe was too weird; too ugly; too overweight; too anxious; too poor. I had auditioned for a few music variety shows in elementary, middle, and high school, and nothing ever stuck. So I just assumed that maybe it wasn’t fated?

But now at 25, I realize that I was made for this. It truly runs in the family, and now it’s my turn to decide between choosing my dream that’s a bit unconventional vs choosing stability. It’s been 7 months and I’m still choosing my dreams no matter how low my bank account gets; how frustrated I feel when I don’t pass auditions. It’s all building me up to become better.

The ideas I have? The talent I have? The work ethic I’ve gained? The maturity I’ve gained? It all needed to happen in this order I think. I want a long, successful, multi-faceted career. Little me wouldn’t be able to handle it at all. I’ve gained community through an academy I attended to learn dance that inspires me to keep going; I’ve done some in-person auditions to expose myself to higher-pressure situations so I can learn to ground myself; I’m learning and training myself at home to ensure my skills only grow, not plateau; I am actively making sacrifices so I can be better all-around. I have no choice but to succeed.

I’m just hoping that an entertainment company believes in me as much as I believe in myself. I recently submitted 2 auditions to companies that I truly see myself thriving in and believe I may be a good fit for based on their vision of disrupting the global music market (they are kpop company adjacent!). I didn’t choose them lightly. I even created a PDF to pitch myself with a letter and all. I wanted them to see that I’m serious about this. It’s not a quarter-life crisis; I’m not trying to prove “I still got it”. I want them to see that I want to make entertaining my full-time, long-term career. I want to inspire people with my story and with my life. There are so many people who give up on their dreams because of current reality, and I want to be an example that they don’t have to do so.

Being an entertainer, to me, is a huge job of service. You’re serving society and offering yourself to inspire others and facilitate conversation; to add to culture. It’s a beautiful thing that I don’t take lightly.

Anywho…lol I’ve rambled a lot. Idk why I even said all this here. I don’t think anyone who I’ve sent an audition to will see it. Did I say all this for the plot? lmao.

I just hope I’m able to at least do a training test run. It’s a gamble to accept a 25 year old. I just want a chance to prove myself and to show that I can truly do great things. Bring my vision to life. Idk.

Well I guess that’s all for now! Bye 🫶🏽

[incognito-diary]

My bestie can read me like a book, so I was worried especially with the strength of my feelings that he was going to figure it out.

For a while there I was certain he did know and was silently signaling me not to bring it up because no good can come out of that. Reflecting on it now I think this was a kind of projection. My bestie is the very emotionally intelligent and I think this was my mind’s way of signaling the wisest way to deal with this at a time where I was still very lost for what to do.

But weeks went by since the revelation smacked me in the face, and he keeps saying little things that tell me he both doesn’t feel this way and isn’t aware that I feel this way. Moments where a character from our adolescence gets brought up and we linger on how I wanted to kiss that character and he wanted to be that character. Moments where I talk about moving to his city, or how single I am, and he says he knows the love of my life is in his city for sure. I am certain he is not the kind of person to give clear signals like that while in a relationship. They also aren’t paired with things that indicate a desire or attraction to me or my traits, which would be present in the unfiltered way we talk. He also doesn’t offer information about his sex life or preferences outside of contexts comparing it to the gay men scene at large. He’ll support me when I’m feeling anxious about what’s normal, and use his experience as an anecdote, but the large majority of the time it’s not “this thing really gets me going”.

Additionally, he is the kind of person to talk things out, and he’s good at it. He wouldn’t be so cruel as to let me dangle in this place and I think would give me the space to air out my feelings and to let me down easy. Which I would be fine with. My friendship with him is the most important.

Him not noticing was a relief to realize. If he hasn’t by now he probably won’t as long as I keep myself in check and don’t do anything boundary crossing or weird. It stung in a distant way, maybe, to understand he might not think of me as attractive to him at all but 95% of the feeling was that I am not feeling bad. I can take this and recover. I can get over this hill and put the uneven feelings behind me. Eventually.

There were a couple days there where I wasn’t feeling much if any romantic attachment. I didn’t feel like imagining a future where our lives were intertangled in the way a couple’s lives are, and it didn’t stir my heart to think about how well we would work together that way. I really thought I was on the road back to normal. Silly.

Now he’s doing things all the time that make me fall for him more. He’s so gentle with me when I’m in a bad place, even when I am struggling with basic easy tasks. He just walks me through it in exactly the way I need and celebrates when it’s done. I’ve never met anyone like that before. I’ve never had someone meet me where I am like that. I don’t know if I’m capable of that myself. It’s a gentleness and compassion that I am so enamored with resting under reasoned cynicism. How is he so emotionally intelligent and smart and artistic and kind and strong and comfortable with himself… to find a flaw is to nitpick a masterpiece. Sure, I suppose you can do it if you really put your mind to the task, but any flaw to be found is nothing in the grand scheme of this compelling and beautiful picture.

I’m in it so deep.

I know these feelings come and go in waves but this doesn’t feel like something that is going to resolve any time soon. The only thing I can do is wait and see what happens. It would be immoral and manipulative and disrespectful to him and his current relationship to let him know how I feel. Even if he were to break it off with his fiancé and date me instead, this is not a good foundation for a romantic relationship. I really value the experience of coming to understand these feelings on my own terms and if he is going to return those feelings then I prefer him to have a similar revelation. It’s so much easier to invest in organic romance working out in the long run than feelings that might develop only in a reactionary context.

I don’t know if I’m explaining it well but it makes sense in my head.

[pivotbitches]

I’ve been thinking about Brittany a lot lately.

I just realized I don’t even remember how to spell her name, like is it one or two t’s?? 💀

I really almost texted her today almost like nothing ever happened. I’ve had a lot of photo memories come up with her in them, and I was randomly in the building that we both did an internship at and I wanted to tell her and reminisce about the internship and that boss and the bullshit we both had to deal with there.

But then I was brought back to reality when I thought about how that conversation would realistically go.

Scenario 1: I text her and don’t get a response and then I spiral for days about what she thinks of me, the events that occurred and my actions in them that led to this situation, and then wondering if I said one think different would it have changed the outcome. Basically drive myself into insanity and then into a depressive/anxious state during an already stressful time.

Scenario 2: I text her. She responds. But her response is somewhere along the lines of “fuck off, why would you even text me, you’re annoying, that’s not good enough to have our friendship back.” And then the same outcomes from scenario 1 occur, except now I have to decide whether to respond or not and how to respond thus resulting in an endless cycle on scenario 1 and my current situation.

Scenario 3: I text her and she responds. She responds like it’s like riding a bike, muscle memory. And we actually have a conversation that’s slightly fun and civilized at least for a little bit. Then this results in me either being anxious about my replies; depressed because why didn’t I send her a message sooner, we could have been okay and I wouldn’t feel guilty about how this turned out; or we go back to scenario 1 or 2.

I think I will always feel guilty and responsible for the fallout of our friendship. I honestly need to work on forgiving myself, especially because I know I’m not the only person at fault and I wasn’t myself when everything happened. I wish she could see how much I’ve grown, I want to see how much she’s grown. Does she even think about me anymore?? My guess is no.

Essentially, this was everything that went through my mind in the time it took for me to realize the area my destination was in, realize what building my destination was in upon my arrival, walking into and using the bathroom in the building, getting stuff and talking to the person in the building and then promptly leaving. It was suuuuper hard not to let myself spiral earlier before I actually did what I needed to do there.

[purplesurveys]

1671

Did you ever go to daycare as a kid? No, we lived with extended family so there was always someone to look after me. The most my mom did was bring me to indoor playgrounds on weekends where I wanted to go to the mall but she also had to run errands like going to the grocery.

Who’s one of the most talented people you know? What are they talented at? Andi’s super talented. They can write, sing, play the guitar, play basketball and baseball, host parties and events, hell they even launched an entire podcast season not too long ago. As far as I know they’re also currently learning Arabic.

How long have you had your current mattress? It’s been a very long time. It’s not one of my priorities to replace any time soon though.

Do you usually pay with cash, debit card, or credit card? I use my e-wallet from my phone and just scan a QR code at establishments as most of them have one these days. Fewer places accept cards but occasionally I’ll use my debit too. I haven’t carried cash in years and don’t own a credit card.

What do you usually drink with breakfast? My breakfast is almost always exclusively just coffee. If I happen to have a meal, I’ll have it with coffee.

What’s your sexuality? Asexual.

What’s your gender identity? Female.

Are you the type of person who can make friends with just about anyone? I can make small talk with pretty much everyone and can easily detect mutual hobbies or interests to spend half an hour talking about, but I think it’s a stretch to call it ‘making friends.’ I’m very picky with who I choose to let in my circle as I find it exhausting to have too many close friends.

Have you ever experienced a medical emergency? Yeah, when Cooper bit my face I had to drop all my plans for the day (I had a work event I needed to be at that afternoon) and rush to the hospital as the wounds were deep and wouldn’t stop bleeding.

What was the last thing you borrowed from someone? A ₱50 bill from Andi as I didn’t think the parking lot I stayed at accepted e-wallet payments. 

What’s your least favorite time of day? Early morning, around 7-8 AM. Always feels like a ticking time bomb before work and the lull makes me more anxious than peaceful.

Are you muscular? Most definitely not.

Do you know anyone who’s snobby about the kind of music they like? I feel like most people my age are well past that phase so that’s great as this can be a super annoying trait. Plus nearly everyone I know is into at least one K-pop group anyway so apart from fanwars (which only ever happen on the immature side of Twitter), there’s really no reason for any one of us to be snobs when we’re all into the same genre hahaha.

Do you ever happen to find yourself trying to force yourself to be happy? I have been like this at a few points in my life, sure. Doesn’t happen these days though – I’m happier now and even if I’m not I just let myself wallow in whatever emotion I happen to be in until I find a way to make it go away.

What are some things you like about the area you live in? Lots of 24/7 fast food options for when I randomly get the midnight munchies. I also like that there’s a dog hotel nearby (convenient when we go on family trips) and that there are like five malls in the vicinity so it makes it easy when I urgently need to get something from the bookstore or grocery or whatever.

When was the last time you drank wine? Not so sure about wine...maybe last December? I must have had at least a glass in one of the Christmas parties I attended.

Do you know anyone who has been to prison? Yes.

Do you have one of those removable hand-held shower heads? We do, yes.

How many burners does your stove have? Four.

When you go to a restaurant, do you prefer to sit at a booth or a table? Booth. I like that the benches are softer to sit on, heh. Also helps with improving the ambience.

What’s the first video game you remember playing? That would be Grand Theft Auto III. I didn’t do any of the missions though; I was happy to just drive around and use the rocket launcher and shoot them towards the sky pretending they were fireworks. A colorful childhood I had lol.

Have you ever been to San Francisco? No.

Did the high school you went to offer an ecology class? We had something like that but for the life of me I can’t remember what we called it. It was like environmental education or something similar.

Which room of your house is currently in the greatest need of cleaning? House is pretty clean at the moment; my mom’s been tidying the place up since we have a massive family reunion scheduled at the house this weekend – we’re expecting around 45 relatives from my mom’s side to come over.

What’s something you think everyone should do/experience at least once in their life? Enjoy a concert.

When was the last time you shipped a package? Last week for work.

Have you ever made a homemade pie? Do schoolmade pies count? HAHAHAHA we had to make an apple pie once.

How long does it take you to get to work/school? My office is around 20 minutes to an hour away, depending on the traffic. Fortunately I work from home so I rarely ever have to drive there.

Has your car ever been broken into? No.

How old is your oldest cousin? Out of my first cousins, the eldest one is around 28-29. I always forget his birth year lol.

What are you going to do now that this survey is over? Take another one. I’m always on a survey high on the last day of weekends.

[cigarett-edaydream-s]

i haven’t been active on here for so long, wow. this is a vent acc and i have a lot to vent about. but at the same time i don’t. there is nothing going on inside me except this bad feeling and hurt and i just don’t understand it. i don’t understand why i feel so shitty, what the cause is of all this.

everything is so overwhelming. i can’t open documents because i’m afraid of the content, can’t do the things i like because i feel like i’m worthless doing it; so many others are better. i’m not going to make it, is what that stupid voice in my head tells me. and love, gosh. what even is love? once the sweetness is gone it’s nothing but doubt. they’ll get bored of me someday. they already are. there’s nothing about me worth staying for. i’m a hurricane. no one wants to stay in a hurricane.

i always get hurt by the smallest of things. even when they don’t mean it. and because i’m hurt i end up hurting myself even more, whether it be intrusive thoughts or unintentional pain. this is rock bottom. i think this is what it feels like. just wading through life. everyone and everything is moving forward and i’m just stuck in the current, moving along, but not consciously. just letting things happen.

this is mental plummet. i thought i’d reached my lowest point before, but this is actually way worse. back in my old low, at least i was still capable of functioning. of doing things. i don’t like the person i’ve become. i don’t like her at all. she’s snappy and tired and a disaster on feet. she’s not fun to be around. anxious, always on the brink of a meltdown. someone who drains the energy out of you. i do it to myself too.

i suppose it’s when you’re healing, you realize the damage you’ve done. eds aren’t cute. they never were, but i can feel it now. the aftermath of it.

i’m afraid of eating because it actually, physically hurts. i eat the smallest amount and it sends stomach acid up my throat, which leaves me curled up and sleepless for the night, waiting for it to be over. and the teeth, they’re so fucking painful too. i can’t eat hard things because it hurts so so much. but then not eating gives me a migraine so bad i can’t do anything all day except lay down and shake until it’s done.

i still don’t like the way i look. and i’m far from being physically better, mentally even further away. i don’t feel like myself anymore. i wouldn’t even know who she is. i miss her. and i’m so sorry i let this happen.