#i'm at the point where i'm trying to not harm myself even more so please don't recommend any meds :

[barghest-land]

I highly recommend weed, if you have access to it. I personally like edibles

i don't, it's illegal here; plus i don't think it's a good thing to recommend to someone, because the effect depends on the person and i don't think it's a good idea to prescribe it yourself without the supervision. just as any medicine you never know what someone is already taking and how it goes with weed/edibles, what condition someone has, etc

[geopsych]

re: the tumblr ai stuff, please don’t wipe your blog!! your blog has been so important to me and many others as a place of authentic light and beauty and i would hate to lose it forever 💕

there is a way to download the contents of a tumblr blog (it’s in settings, i don’t remember rn, but i’ll find it if you need it) maybe you could upload to another site or a personal site?

i know this is very serious, and i hate how we are unwillingly contributing to synthetic art, but the world would be poorer for me without your pictures <3

Thank you. Your words mean a lot to me.

This is a dilemma for me. I have loved doing this blog and going out to look for pictures and interesting things to bring here has given me motivation and meaning through years of struggle with depression and several kinds of grief. Going out to look for pictures has put me in situations where I have seen incredible beauty, much of which I never really managed to capture. Also, the many warm and kind messages I've received from people all over the world have given me heart and made me feel less meaningless as a person and more connected. Sometimes I've been criticized for buying the checkmarks and giving money to Tumblr but I wanted to do what I could because Tumblr has been my one happy and safe place online. But now this. To me AI in relation to creativity is just a way for well-to-do but untalented people, the proverbial tech bros, to profit from other people's hard work and creativity. It has no redeeming value in relation to creativity and is actively harmful to artists of all kinds. <trying to figure out how to put a read more link here> I don't even count myself among the real creatives, artists and writers and others who have worked hard and put years into honing their crafts, into learning to translate their hearts and unique spirits into their creative expression. I just see beautiful things and take pictures of them. But it would still make me sick to see AI works based on my pictures, on these times and places that have meant so much to me. Recently I saw a set of cat 'photos' on here that everyone was reblogging and exclaiming over but that to me seemed to just be AI art that was more convincing than most. As time goes on more and more output of AI is going to be almost indistinguishable from real works and unscrupulous people will pass them off as real, getting credit for what was actually created by others. Whether they profit from them becomes almost irrelevant at that point because what's worse is that we will have less and less sense of what is real. And as some have pointed out AI will now also be scraping from AI, muddying the waters further from here on in. This is an apocalypse of sorts, an apocalypse of creativity, ultimately likely to kill the joy of artistic endeavor for many who would otherwise produced brilliant, beautiful, funny, and/or shockingly original things. I'm still parsing and dissecting my thoughts and feelings about what Tumblr has done and how to react. Staying and leaving my blog up feels like consent. I am not confident in the integrity of anyone connected with scraping sites for AI. I'm not convinced that a little toggle in settings is going to make much of a difference in the long run. On the other hand I like posting here and I have received enough messages over the years to know that my blog is a positive influence on some lives. I was looking forward to May and June and posting pictures of the incredible beauty of eastern Pennsylvania in those months. And I was planning on making a side blog for posting some poetry I've been working on. It will break my heart to leave.

I haven't decided yet. Believe it or not this whole thing has given me awful physical symptoms. I'll let you know when I decide. Thank you again for your kind and lovely note!

[seeds-and-sins]

Light My Fire - Part Eight

Pairing: Ben "Soldier Boy" x Reader

Rating: M (Crude Language, Curse Words, Sexism, minor references to sex, WARNING: talks about death and self-harm)

Description: Phoenix tries to rectify the missing pieces within herself, but she struggles to figure out how.

Tagged: @tonixe@chernayawidow , @deans-spinster-witchs-favorites, @ophennie@virgoelf-blog , @my-obsession-spn, @capricxnt @demodemo909 @boywivlove

Song: Gypsy - Fleetwood Mac

"FUCK!" Homelander yelled, the tv remote broke in his closed fist. One of the flat screen televisions in the meeting room was set to channel 8 and Starlight was all over the news. Her little video had gone viral, her resignation given, Homelander thrown under the bus, this was all out war. Homelander was fuming, Ashley was gnawing her nails down to the skin, the Deep was posted at one of the chairs around the table, Agnes was sitting a few seats down from him sipping on a cup of coffee.

And you were standing there, arms crossed, staring blankly at the screen.

You were so tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally drained from everything. Just from living really.

When was the last time you slept again?

"Okay!" Ashley squealed, "We'll fix this. We'll fix this. Please. Oh my god! Fuck!" Your eyes slid shut, her panicking died in your ears, the world silenced for a moment.

"Phoenix!" Your eyes shot open, Homelander was staring at you with a look of desperation plastered on his face. "What do we do?" Your hands tightened around your biceps and your teeth dug into your bottom lip. What do we do? More importantly, what should be done?

"We don't have time to worry about Starlight." Your voice came out hoarse, in a low whisper. The room fell quiet. "She has a loyal fan base, but they aren't as loyal as our people. I wouldn't worry about her." Homelander nodded virgorously, licking his lips. The desperation in his boyish eyes faded and what replaced it was a sharp coldness.

"You're right. We've got to find Soldier Boy."

"But we need to make a statement!" Ashley's shrill made you roll your eyes.

"Go take a fuckin' Xanax, Ashley!" You commanded, holding up an admonishing finger. Ashley's lips shut with a resounding pop and she straightened, fear crawled up her spine and glued her to the floor. "I'll talk. I know how to charm a crowd. It'll put this off until we can get shit under control." Your command came out more as a question, Homelander's jaw flicked from side to side before he nodded. "Come on Agnes." The older woman rose from the table without protest, following after your quick strides with a waddle of her own.

...

"Good Evening!" You crowned your fingers and propped them up on the podium. "I appreciate you all being here for this impromptu press conference. Given the situation, I'm sure you know there are a few things that Vought needs to address."

"Where's Homelander?" A journalist shouted from the crowd, flapping his hand above the sea of heads to get Phoenix's attention.

"Homelander is off handling more important matters." The crowd broke out in shouted questions and mixed words, journalists reaching over eachother as they attempted to flag you down. You begrudgingly pointed at a woman in the front row.

"Isn't this important? Starlight has resigned? What is the future of the Seven? Why are you up there when you're not even on the team?" It went silent as everyone waited for a response, or rather, a staccato of responses to answer a staccato of questions. You paused, thought about the significance of your next words, what they would mean. You found a camera and stared into it.

"I want to make myself very clear..." Your voice penetrated the air, the room was thick with the tone that every syllable carried. "Starlight isn't a priority. Everyday Homelander, I, and many other heroes are trying to keep you all safe. We fought overseas so that the super villain threat could be contained. I underestimated the enemy and now the super villain threat is here. Us heroes need to be doing our jobs, not starting petty battles over social media. If Starlight wants to play her games and spread her lies, slander us, she is welcome to do so. But Homelander and I are going to focus on what is important: your safety, your lives."

An intense stillness blanketed the crowd, a few camera flashes. One journalist had the gull to raise their hand, when no one else would, not after a speech like that.

"What are your thoughts on the deathes of the TNT twins? Your former colleagues?"

Good. I'm glad they're dead.

"And your friend? Crimson Countess?" Your head tilted to the other voice, you swallowed and looked down at your fingers.

"Countess wasn't my friend, and neither were the Twins." You shook your head. "Not anymore at least. Not when they turned their backs on..." You paused. Me. -- Ben. "On you. The people. Some of the strongest heroes I knew for their time, and only Noir and I remain. The others worried about their luxury condos, their ratings, movie deals, royalties. None of them cared about what really matters. I don't mourn them. I don't think I ever will."

"But what of Soldier Boy? You were there when he died, did you mourn him?"

"I-" You had to take a deep breath, the emotions that swelled in you had nearly knocked you off your feet. You cleared your throat and held back tears. "I did. I do."

Soldier Boy was still dead to you.

"Soldier Boy died so that all of us could live."

...

 🎶 So I'm back to the velvet underground.  🎶 

 🎶 Back to the floor that I love... 🎶 

Three Xanax, two blunts-going on three-and half a bottle of whiskey later, you found yourself laying on your bed in a mess of comforter and pillows. Your suit was discarded somewhere, leaving you down to nothing but your underwear. And you were just laying there, staring up at the ceiling as you smoked from a blunt and sipped from a bronze filled glass. Your record player sung in the background, mellowing out your already distant mood.

 🎶 To a room with some lace and paper flowers 🎶 

 🎶 Back to the gypsy that I was 🎶 

 🎶 To the gypsy that I was... 🎶 

What did you have?

John?

He kept you around as an extension of himself rather than as someone he cared for. You were the arms of his authority, fingers curled around your enemies with a vice grip. In reverse, he was a reflection of you in many ways, uncaring, erratic, impulsive. You knew he didn't care about you. Not truly. You weren't sure he was capable of it. Maybe with some admiration, some approval, but love was a distant thought in John's head. He only ever craved it from others. And you were more than able to provide in the past, giving pieces of yourself to John without a second thought. Now you had no more pieces left to give.

 🎶 And it all comes down to you. 🎶 

 🎶 And you know that it does when. 🎶 

 🎶 Lightening strikes maybe once maybe twice. 🎶 

Your fans?

You would rather burn them all alive, throw them in a furnace and walk away. They didn't love you. They loved the image of yourself that you fronted, but they didn't know you.

 🎶 Oh and it lights up the night. 🎶 

 🎶 And you see your gypsy (ohh, ohh) 🎶 

 🎶 You see your gypsy. 🎶 

You?

That was all you had. Herodom was a quiet life, a lonely one. But it was never about saving people or doing some good in the world. As much as Starlight thought she was making a difference, the world would never change. There would always be criminals. There would always be greedy politicans and corrupt agents of the law. The world was cold and callous and it never retreated.

And you had nothing.

You were a victim of the chaos. Vought took you in, molded you into something vile and morbid, tossed you around in a bag of salt, and hurled you into the world for their own profit.

You were an experiment.

Your lips wrapped around the end of your blunt and you took a drag. Smoke flowed from your nostrils, it floated up toward the high ceiling and you watched it swirl until it faded completely.

Your head drooped to the side and your face wrinkled as if you were about to cry, before you suppressed that urge.

 🎶 To the gypsy that remains. 🎶 

 🎶 Faces freedom, with a little fear. 🎶 

 🎶 I have no fear, and have only love. 🎶 

 🎶 And if I was a child and the child was enough. 🎶 

 🎶 Enough for me to love. 🎶 

 🎶 Enough to love. 🎶 

Through a blurry haze, your half lidded eyes spotted a figure at the open double doors leading into your bedroom. You shifted a little, squinted, then slowly sat upright.

"Ben?"

He was dressed in his full suit, arms straight at his sides.

"Hello, hot stuff." He answered casually, stepping closer. He sent you a boyish smile that reminded you of his older self, all cocky, all confident, all play, no work.

"What are you-" The blunt dropped from your hand, hitting the marble floor. "What are you doing here?" His eyes darted down your body, hovering over your naked torso a little longer than necessary before raising back to your face.

"You didn't need me?" You dropped your head, a firm hand cupped on your jaw, the touch burned into your skin and your gaze was being directed back to Ben. He felt so real. He felt solid. He felt tangible.

 🎶 She is dancing away from you now (Oooh). 🎶 

 🎶 She was just a wish, she was just a wish (ooh, ooh). 🎶 

 🎶 And her memory is all that is left for you now. 🎶 

"Am I hallucinating?" Your palms rested gently on his chest, Ben's thumb scaled your cheek and he sighed.

"No."

 🎶 You see you're a gypsy. 🎶 

"This is a dream, sweetheart."

"Of course it is," You sniffled.

"You wouldn't be able to hallucinate, even if you wanted." Another voice chimed and when you glanced over, it was Vogelbaum. "Your body can't sustain the affects of foreign substances long enough for that to happen." He was in a bloodied labcoat and his words were slightly muffled through a gas mask. Your expression lit up with panic and your head was being yanked back by Soldier Boy's hand.

"Don't pay attention to that piece of shit." Soldier Boy drew you closer with his other hand at your hip. "Just look at me."

"Why is this happening? Why am I dreaming about this?" You whispered, Ben's hand moved to cradle the back of your head.

"Because I'm the answer." You blinked at him, then tiredly moved into his body. Your arms wrapped around him and you hugged him. Ben enveloped you in return, his strong and bulky arms holding you close...

"You even smell real."

"That's what happens when you smoke a lot of dope."

"Also, the cannabis you were smoking no doubt contained traces of LSD." Vogelbaum again. You squeezed your eyes shut and Soldier Boy grunted when your arms tightened around him.

"Can he just shut up for fucks sake?" Soldier Boy inhaled deeply and he exhaled with a sigh.

"You want my advice?"

"Not really." He grabbed your shoulders and drew you away at arm's length.

"Sometimes you gotta take life by the balls, kid." You blinked at him, your head sinking toward your chest. Soldier Boy rolled his eyes before grabbing under your chin and lifting your head again. "Remember back in the day. We didn't let anybody get in our way. We owned this fuckin' place."

"Oh no." You breathed, your palms rose to your cheeks and Soldier Boy relinquished his hold on you so you could pace away from him. "It's happening. This is it. I'm having the worst mental breakdown of my life. I'm going to destroy the world."

"Only in theory." Vogelbaum piped in again, "Theoretically your body can reach temperatures bordering that of the sun and in that instance-" Soldier Boy's shield came hurtling toward him out of nowhere. The Scientist disappeared in a puff of smoke before the metal could touch him.

"I hate that guy." Soldier Boy's head tilted as he considered you. "Listen..." He emphasized with raised hands. "The only person who understands you right now is me." He stepped toward you, and you hunched in on yourself in defeat."You have me. I'm your answer."

"You're also a figment of my imagination."

"Nah, honey, I'm out there. I'm alive. Come find me."

"You want me dead out there." Soldier Boy's lips quirked up in a handsome smirk and he shook his head.

"But, sweetheart, I don't."

...

When your eyes opened, they opened slowly, the blunt had burnt out in your bed sheet and your body was sprawled out across the bed in all different directions. You blinked at the ceiling, thinking about your dream, thinking about him. The thought left a gross taste in your mouth, your stomach jumped and a weight settled in your chest.

Gosh, you wanted to die sometimes, didn't you?

What was this? What were you doing here?

Why don't you just leave and give all this up? Just like you always wanted.

Because you can't.

You were tired.

It took a few minutes of blank staring before you rose from your bed and travelled out of your room.

"God help me!" You heard a voice exclaim as you entered into the living room. It was Agnes. She made an effort to cover her gaze from your nude figure. And after all these years, she still hadn't gotten used to your ways. You squinted at her, stumbling toward the onset of the kitchen.

"What are you doing here? I told you to leave." Agnes nervously clenched and unclenched her fingers, finally lowering her hand to look at you. Your eyes connected, Agnus' wrinkles creased with a furrowed brow, with concern.

"Homelander wanted me to stay. He's worried about you." You groaned, pouring yourself another glass of whiskey and downing it back with a wince.

"I'm fine."

"You don't look fine." You poured the next glass, sipping from it as you held Agnus' expectant gaze.

"John just wants to make sure I'm on his side." You replied in a dull tone, hunching over the countertop.

"Are you?" You didn't respond. Not immediately. Your eyes flitted around the penthouse and you took in the expanse of space that had been your home for decades.

"Maybe I don't want to be on a side anymore, Agnes." You placed your glass down and stalked over to a wall that held various photos and movie posters and memories from the old days. You scanned each photo, as you had hundreds of times, with a trained eye.

"Please. Tell me what's wrong."

"Everything I do, it doesn't matter." Your eyes paused on a familiar face, and you felt a sadness engulf the entirety of your heart.

He was so good to you. Always trying to comfort you. Always at your side when you needed him.

"Do ya'maybe want to talk about it?"

"No."

You would go find him. That was final. You were sure of it. Screw everyone else. This man. He would be the one you went to. He was the one you needed. He would tell you what you needed to do and he would be genuine. Above all. He would be genuine.

"I'm heading out for a little bit, Agnes. Alone." You took quick steps toward your room.

"Wait, wh-where are you going? Homelander told me to watch you." You didn't respond, turning to close the double doors into your bedroom. At the last glimpse between the cracks, you saw her plop onto the couch with exasperation.

[gojoshooter]

Helping you in a panic attack — Gojo Satoru

Pairing : Gojo Satoru x f!reader

Genre : heavy angst, hurt and comfort, sfw, a small millisecond of fluff at last?

A/N : Sorry if someone did this already, but i wanted to write something sad so bad lol.

WARNING : panic attack, self harm, mentions of blood, crying, tears, past abuse & bullying

“This is kinda big for you, huh,” Satoru says, kneeling on the bathroom tiles in front of you and rolling up the sleeves for a better fit.

You're not in the best state, sickness taking a toll on you in the middle of literature class. Satoru blames it all on how poorly you've dressed yourself so he asks for permission to bring you to the bathroom and put some of his.

Your wrists feel cold where he touches and his blue eyes freeze when his fingertips brush over something over your skirt pocket.

It's that bloody pen, the one that—

“Shit,” Satoru mutters.

It has been two years since you last saw them. The reason of your current panic attacks. Two years since your boyfriend reported them to the police for severe bullying case. Although they're gone, they did leave their evil habit to corrode you by yourself, untill you collapse of self deterioration. That is, if your boyfriend wasn't there by your side.

The bathroom's lights are dim but he can faintly make out where your skin is darker under his jacket that he made you wear, like it's bruised. He takes a long breathe. Satoru's fingers tremble as he goes to pull it out of your skirt.

“Stop! ” you shout suddenly, standing bolt upright from the closed toilet seat he made you sit on, eyes wet and unfocused.

He looks at you, and the only word Satoru can think of is broken. He feels protective over you all of a sudden. He's the only one in this world who knows what you've gone through, and there's no way he's not going to do something about it.

“y/n, please,” Satoru says, taking a step towards you. “Let me take that out. It's not good for you-”

“It is,” you're still shouting, voice cracking, taking multiple steps back, as if you're a cornered prey and Satoru is hunting you. “It is, you can't take it, you can't-”

“Give me the pen,” Satoru's chest aches. “Please, pup, you're hurting yourself.”

“I'm not hurting myself, it helps,” comes your croaked voice. You walk back, away from him, and then trip on something, probably the wet floor. You don't even try to get up. Just there, staring up at Satoru with those terrible, glassy eyes. It's coming, your panic attack — you can feel it. You don't want it again.

“You wouldn't understand,” you say like a stubborn kid accusingly. “So- j-just stop trying to act. You don't get, it helps, it's all I have--”

“No, you don't get it,” Satoru voice reaches an octave. There's something telling him he shouldn't be angry, that you're only lashing out because you're desperate, but Satoru is still Satoru. “Its crazy, the way you hurt yourself with that damn pen all day! ” His chest heaves but he needs to say more, finish this once and for all. He sees it, that godforsaken pen clutched like a candy in a kid's hand.

“It's not helping and for god's sake will you take it out and give it to me? ” Satoru's voice echoes in the dimly lit space and that's when he realizes he'd been shouting. Just like your father had been. It's deathly quiet then, just the soft buzz of a few fireflies dancing around the visible light.

He is breathing hard, gulping because he feels like he's choking. You're still on the floor and crying. Satoru did not want this.

You look so lost and pathetic, sitting on the cold bathroom tiles, trembling with suppressed sobs and fingers hooked under the pointed pen you stabbed your wrist with. He looks at you and you look heartbreakingly small. Satoru's anger leaves him in a moment.

“I'm sorry,” the white head says immediately, collapsing to his knees and gathering you into his arms. You don't move, just let your forehead rest on his shoulder like a limp mass and try to breathe.

“Fuck, I'm so sorry, babe,” he swallows, wrapping his arms tighter and feeling like the worst person in the world right now.

You stay there for a long time, minutes or hours or more, pressed against your boyfriend in the biting cold. You wonder how he's still keeping up with you. When you stop shaking, Satoru pulls back slightly to see your face.

You've definitely stopped crying but your eyes are no less of a void than before.

“Hey,” Satoru murmurs, and you lift your head a bit. He removes one arm from around you and places his hand on your cheek, still damp. Only then do you look at him, eyes confused, dazed. Your skin is soft with tears. Satoru feels like he has something incredibly precious in his arms, that's equally fragile.

He uses a thumb to wipe them up, leaning in so that your foreheads touch along with your nose. You blink.

“Let me? ” Satoru asks quietly, his warm palm around the silver metal pen forgotten in your hold. You swallow and nod, eyes still on Satoru's.

He pulls out the pen from your hand and places it behind him on the floor. “You don't need to hurt yourself,” Satoru says. “There are other ways.”

He has no idea whether you hear or even understand him.

“Stay over at mine,” Satoru says. He doesn't ask because he knows you won't answer him.

You both stand up and walk to his house. Your boyfriend holds your hand, which was unresponsive but warm.

When they get inside, Satoru's mom is at the island in the kitchen, leaning against the marble counter, reading something — presumably a philosophy book. She looks up as Satoru enters.

She stops when she notices you behind him, face scrunching into that of worry.

Satoru gives his mom the best 'don't ask' look which she being his mom, understands easily and nods.

“Let's go upstairs,” he tugs on your hand, and you trail behind the boy silently.

When you get into his room, Satoru offers you some of his clothes which you know will literally drown in just by looking at how big they look. He goes to the bathroom while you change, brushing his teeth and preparing for the bed. When he finishes, he comes out to see you standing in the middle of the room, scratching at your wrist. You look really small in his grey t-shirt and he finds the fact so adorable.

“Aren't you going to get into bed? ” Satoru says, and your head snaps up incredulously. Satoru, irrationally, blushes.

Yes, your little relationship hasn't gone much far yet.

“I'll sleep on the couch, don't worry,” he says quickly, nudging his chin at the fold-out he keeps in his room for when Geto & Shoko stay over after playing video games. “it's a pretty comfy couch. Don't have to think about me. And uh.. not that my bed's not comfy, 'cause it is. Everything's comfy.”

He regrets talking too much. Oh how he wishes to learn a technique that can close his big mouth.

He chuckles nervous and awkward and you get into his bed. You pull the covers over yourself, your line of shoulders still tense but he decides he can do nothing about that. He doesn't want to make you feel even more uncomfortable.

“G'night,” Satoru says, and turns off the light. He grabs a pillow and and lies down on the couch, tucking his blanket tightly around himself.

Now he can't really sleep, and judging by your odd breathing, neither can you.

“Satoru? ” You call out of nowhere, and it's so unexpected for him Satoru nearly falls off the side.

“Y-yeah? ” he replies.

Satoru's s heart is close to ripping out of his chest as his throat goes dry simultaneously.

“Do you still care? ” you ask after a pause. He doesn't say anything, so you elaborate for him in a more straight-forward way.

“Do you still like me? ”

“Yes ” he manages. It sounded more like a question, as if he expected you to go somewhere with that. Of course he still likes you, what were you thinking?

Satoru cranes his neck to look at you, whose posture under the covers seems to be more relaxed. He bites his lip on a smile.

A/N : they're still working on it :) feeling down? text me if a talk can help ♡ aaannddd! reblog if you enjoyed this hc! even likes are appreciated ^-^

P.S. : sorry if i did not make it clear what's up with the pen here, she used to stab herself with the pen on her wrist as a coping mechanism for her panic attacks (to ground herself!)

Tags : @luckimoon @ventiisoverparty

[merlinmarvelandother-oneshots]

Hi! Your requests are open right? If so could you write undertale headcanons about a reader who selfharms? Nothing too graphic or anything ofc and totally understand if you're not okay with this :)

I also saw that you did Au's so would it be okay to do this but with the skeleton brother's from undertale, underfell and underswap? (Not the version where people think blue acts like a kid tho please)

Again if you're not okay with this I 100% understand and won't be upset at all :) I write my own headcanons but I prefer reading other people's (I'm not stealing tho dw)

Sorry it's a lot of text and have a great day/night :)

you got it, anon! it totally bothers me when people write blue like he's a child, too.

(my first request on tumblr let's go)

undertale, underfell, and underswap skeleton brothers with a reader who self harms

TW for self harm. if you self harm, there is help. it can get better. talk to a friend or a loved one, or my DMs are open.

Undertale:

Sans:

-he had noticed you acting weird lately.

-distant, almost.

-when he finally pressed you about it, you broke down into tears and told him you self harm.

-"oh, kiddo. c'mere."

-he wraps you tightly in a hug.

-asks you what you use, and asks you to hand it over.

-he tells you that if you ever need anything, or even just to talk, he's free. it doesn't matter what it is, he'll make time for you.

Papyrus:

-he asked you for several weeks what the matter was

-you finally caved and told him

-he was frozen in shock. what could possibly make you do that to yourself? he doesnt understand.

-he suddenly engulfs you into a hug.

-"i will help you get better, human! i promise!"

-he asks you that while you start to heal (both physically and from whatever was going on mentally that made you do it) that you dont do it again.

-he starts cooking for you. like, a lot.

Underfell:

Sans:

-it was an accident that he saw it. your hoodie sleeve rolled up while you were grabbing something and he caught a glance of your injuries.

-he harshly grabs your wrist.

-"who the hell did this to you?"

-you were barely audible when you said that you did it to yourself.

-the harshness in his eyes softened.

-"kid... c'mon, there's better ways to cope."

-he won't admit it to you, but after the monsters were freed from the underground, the stress of it all brought him to self harm for a period of time, too.

-which is why it's all the more important to him that you stop.

-becayse he knows what a slippery slope it is.

-"kid, you gotta promise me you'll cut that out. we can get you help. i ain't much of a therapist, but goddamn it, for you, i'll try."

Papyrus:

-he had to pull an aggressive monster off of you.

-he knew that because he was a member of the royal guard, and therefore disliked by many, that you would be a target.

-he had to take your hoodie off so he could tend to the wounds on your arms.

-"it's fine. don't worry about it," you had said.

-"no, you must let me do this. it is my fault he hurt you. you must let me help you."

-knowing he wouldn't give in, you relented.

-it was when you took your hoodie off that he saw your injuries, even though you tried your best to hide them.

-"human, these have been here for quite a while. who did this to you?" anger was evident in his tone, though he tried to hide it, so you wouldn't think it was directed at you.

-he obviously didn't believe you when you said it was an incident with a stray cat.

-"it's... i do it to myself, dammit!" you said. tears filled your eyes and your voice wavered.

-"that is unacceptable! you must quit this right now, do you understand me?"

-he didn't mean to sound so harsh, only stern. but if it got the point across, it didn't matter much to him.

-"now, tell me, why is it you do this?"

-he listens closely as you open up to him. he'll make you feel better, one way or another.

Underswap:

Sans:

-he knew something was off about you. what it was, though, he couldn't quite figure out.

-so, he asked you.

-"it's nothing," you had said. "nothing you need to worry about."

-"but don't you trust me?" he asked.

-that made you hesitate.

-a few days later, you told him. you didn't show him, but you told him.

-"but why would you do that to yourself? you are amazing, human! you have so much good in you. can't you see that? can't you see that you don't deserve it?"

-but you told him that you didn't know what he saw. you didn't see the good in you. and you're you! don't you know yourself best?

-he started listing off your great qualities, arguing with you when you wondered what the fuck he was going on about.

-he vowed that, no matter how long it took, he would make you see yourself as worthy again.

-but until then, he just made you promise to stop.

Papyrus:

-he had his suspicions for a while.

-the way you always wore long sleeves, no matter how hot it was.

-how distant you were, never telling anybody how you felt.

-he knew something was going on. so, he decided to see if his suspicions were true.

-it took a little coaxing, but you confirmed them. you were, in fact, self harming.

-he (like Fell Sans) also used to self harm. and he told you that.

-he asks you why, and he listens carefully as you tell him.

-he rubs your back from his position next to you on his couch as he says, "i need you to stop, okay? i understand it's going to be hard. i understand that it feels like you have to. but you can't, okay? you just can't. only once you stop can you start feeling better about yourself."

-he takes whatever you use away from you, and watched you closely, occasionally asking you to let him look for more scars.

[sjywrites]

Hii can I request Sophia x reader academic rivals? 🥺 u can do whatever u want w the plot pretty much please and thank u so much <3 :)

༊*·˚ ACADEMIC RIVALS LOVERS?

𝓢ophia 𝓛aforteza x 𝓖n!reader. (no pronouns used). 𝓖enre. fluff, angst if you squint 𝓢ypnosis. our two favourite academic rivals have a lil fight, but the situation turns bad, and people realize their feelings. 𝓦𝓒 . 824 𝓒𝓦 . mentions of being hospitalised (sophia), a little angsty!

𝓝ote! this is a little messy since I wrote it during one of my breaks, but please lmk if you want like a part two cuz I really liked this plot!

---

This is purely fiction and is not meant to interpret how the idols act in real life!

,, not proofread + english is not my first language ! ೃ⁀➷

At this point it didn’t even matter if you were better than everyone, you just had to be better than her. It started off very simple, both of you wanted to be better than everyone, academically that is. Eagerly waiting to get tests back and see who got a higher score, a smug grin on one's face when they got a better result than the other. No harm in that right? Wrong, that’s what started all of this.

Sophia walked towards me with her head held high, her uniform as neat as ever and her hair styled in a way making her look almost angelic. Wait, what? “What were your results?” She said, slamming her paper on top of my desk, I shook out of my daydreaming to answer her. “96.” I said while looking down in my maths book, trying to solve an equation but still focusing on what she would respond. She looks away and a teasing smirk spreads on her lips, and moves the finger that covered her results, 97. “Guess I’m just better than you huh?” She said proudly, staring down at me “Just because you got one point more than me doesn’t mean you’re better than me.” I said, pouting a little at her accusation.

Lately I’ve been feeling kind of… weird? Even if Sophia gets a higher score than me, I can’t find it in me to give a fuck. “Well, you’ve been slacking off a lot lately, I’ve gotten higher scores than you on the last four tests. So, I think that makes it obvious who's smarter!” Sophia states like it was the most obvious answer to what I said. Staring at her for a moment, I reply. “I've been busy okay, not everyone has that much free time to spend on studying, and you're talented in general, no wonder you get high scores” She looks shocked at my statement, then she smirks a little, “Did you just admit that I'm smart?” She looked proud in some way or another, “Not what I meant Sophia, but whatever floats your boat.” I grab my things from the desk and walk outside the classroom to my locker, a little frustrated at the whole situation. I did miss her response,

“I study that much so you won't think I'm stupid.”

A week goes by, no Sophia in sight. She missed two assignments, she's usually here every day. Even if she's sick, which I don't get why she does, but still. Did something happen to her? Was it something I did?

“You've been zoning out for the past like, three periods, what is going on with you today?” Lara, my best friend asks. “Do you know where Sophia is?” I ask, not really thinking before I ask. “Why do you want to know, don't you guys like, hate each other?” She looks at me with a very questionable look, suspecting something I cannot grasp, “Yes? No? I don't know Lara, but do you know where she is?” I say, a little confused and concerned. She looks at me with sad eyes before replying, “Y/N, Sophia got really sick out of nowhere, I heard she's at the hospital.” My eyes blew wide at the shocking news, why didn't she tell me? No, why would she do that? We're not even friends.

—

Am I really doing this? I think to myself as I open the hospital doors and stumble up to the kind-looking man in the lobby. I strike up a casual conversation with him as he guides me to a room, I thank him quickly before he scurries away.

There in the little window on the door I see her, Sophia's sitting down on the bed. Her hair is a mess and her clothes look ridiculous, it looks like she hasn't slept for a few days too. I gently open the door and her gaze falls upon me, it's easier to see her face now. She looks tired, really tired. “Hey…” I say, she looks away from me and cuddles up in her sitting position. “What are you doing here?” she tries to sound annoyed, but it just comes out in a tired huff. “I heard what happened, I… was worried about you. I brought some notes from the classes you missed.” She looks shocked at my confession, she relaxes her posture and her gaze becomes soft. “Thank you… I really appreciate it.” She smiles a little as she grabs the papers I handed her, our hands touching softly.

I look at her, really look at her. For the first time actually having time to admire how pretty she looks, how perfect her flaws are. “I just came to give you that… so if you don't need anything else, I'll go.” I turn around to walk away, grabbing the door knob and turning it around, “Wait! Will you… please stay with me a little longer, I need it.

I need you.”

this is so messy I'm sorrrrryyyy!! I wanted to post something today at least :((

[fairycosmos]

i’m going to kill myself tonight but i wanted to say i’ve always loved your blog and your my favourite tumblr person :)

hey, not sure if anything i can say can change your mind but please please consider calling a hotline or reaching out to a friend/family member if that's an option. i won't pretend i know the type of pain you're in, or much about the situation you're in, and i hope this doesn't come across as me saying it's easy to keep going because it's absolutely not. whether you're feeling numb, whether your thoughts are totally chaotic. it's a type of hell either way. i know things are unbearably painful so much of the time. you deserve so much better and i just don't think doing this is going to give you that. i'm not trained in all the right and wrong things to say to someone who's going through this and i know that when i'm in this place myself, there's very little anyone can do or say to get me out of it. but i do come out of it. even if i'm not happy, the pressing urge to harm myself is so strong that by its own nature it's unsustainable. it's the hardest thing in the world to bear it and i'm so sorry you're going through it. it's so fucking exhausting. and at the same time it always somewhat dies down and there is always another day to try again.

please, please get yourself to a physically safe space. if you need to cry, break down, sleep for 72 hours, take a shower, eat something, put your face in cold water, rip up a million pieces of paper to get the rage out - it's okay. whatever you need is okay. you don't have to think about what you're going to do tomorrow or next week or next month or in the next 5 years. you just have to focus on getting through today, minute by minute. if that feels like too much, second by second. and you can keep breaking it down like that until it stops feeling like some insurmountable mountain. i know words are not enough to change anything about how much despair and hopelessness you're feeling in this moment. i just want you to attempt to treat yourself the way you'd treat a friend going through something like this. even just for the next 30 minutes. i'm going to leave some resources linked below that have helped me when i've been in a similar spot. they're not solutions and they're not cures. they're just going to allow you to see other perspectives beyond your suicidality. you are so, so worth that. please reach out to a loved one, the authorities or a hotline if you can. it is not going to be as scary as your mind is building it up to be. i would seriously hate to think of you doing something to harm yourself. you have a right to feel how you feel, but you don’t have to give these thoughts the power to actually dictate your reality. i'm really, really glad you're alive and i genuinely hope you're able to get to the point where you are too. you're the one who can really bring yourself back from the edge. what happens next is all in your hands, not in the grip of your negative thoughts, urges, or feelings. please, please do what you know is right for your safety and wellbeing. even if it's the hardest choice in the world to make. please, please stick around for today at the very least. just focus on getting through the now, no matter how unbearable. that's more than good enough, and it's all anyone can ask of you. i'm sending you so, so much love.

international suicide hotlines / guidance for creating a safety plan / coping with suicidal thoughts pdf / download a how to cope factsheet / coping with suicidal thoughts right now / 10+ coping skills worksheets for adults / the coping skills toolbox / how do you stop suicidal thoughts?

[lively-potter]

— nepenthe ; part five

— genre ; age gap, angst, fluff, smut, sheltered oc, ceo jungkook, mafia/gang vibes ( kinda/sorta )

— warnings ; please note that in the beginning, the oc is in an abusive home — and if this triggers you please do not read. the oc is of age but nothing smutty will be happening for a while — but there WILL be smut. A small bit of SA is in part two and if it tiggers you, don’t read.

— intro, part one, part two, part three, part four

— 2024 © LivelyPotter all rights reserved

— find me on Wattpad ; LivelyPotter

— taglist ; @ahgasegotarmy116 @jk97bam

— word count ; 1.2k

SOLARIS January 22nd, 2024 Charleston, SC

Theo entertained my questions as he drove me home in a cool sleek black car.

Beside him, in the passenger seat, I droned on and on about nothing in particular – but after not being able to talk to anyone but myself or Father for so long, I doubt I'd ever get tired of chatting.

"Y'know, Mister Theo–"

Theo raised a brow and flicked his eyes to mine, "I thought we talked about this whole 'Mister' thing." I was thankfully able to understand him better now that I had spent time with him.

I sheepishly giggled, "Ah, sorry! I...I'm just trying to be on my best behavior so Chairman Jeon doesn't find any faults in me and make me disappear." I chirped back, tugging at the split ends of my hair.

Theo's foot pressed gently on the break and turned his attention to me after stopping at a stop light. His lips twitched and beheld me in the highest amusement. I blinked back owlishly.

Suddenly, Theo threw back his head and laughed, silky-looking curls smushing against the headrest.

"Ah, dannare!" he chortled, clapping his palms together in mirth, I hesitantly eyed him before nervously joining in on his laughter so I wouldn't feel left out.

Theo calmed his laughter, but amusement still flickered within his hazel eyes. "He will not hurt you, tesoro. There is much more to him than others think." he divulged to me, continuing driving.

I excitedly nodded, "Seems so, Mister Theo! He looks really scary but he has really pretty eyes and pretty jewelry. He even doctored my knees for me," I turned my knees towards him so he could see the pink band-aids on my knees. "Could that mean we're friends now and he won't have me killed?'

Theo's lips twitched, eyes still on the road, "He would love to hear that, little tesoro. I promise you, Gguk has no plans of harming a hair on your head – and I'm sure he would be honored to be your friend."

A delighted squeak left my lips, "How wonderful! I like having friends! We're friends too, right Mister Theo?"

I pointed to the road I lived on and waited for Theo's answer as he started to drive down my street.

"Of course, little tesoro."

I grinned happily and felt my heart beat quickly in happiness. This night turned out much different than I had expected, but I wasn't complaining. I had made not one, but two friends. My first friends ever.

It was an amazing feeling.

"Oh! There's my house!" I chimed in, pointing to a small, run-down-looking three-bedroom house.

The teal paint had begun chipping away, and the yellow door had some stains, but it was where I had grown up. Mama liked the teal paint on the house and the yellow door – she had painted it herself, and I was sad to see it washing away as the years passed.

Theo's brows drew together when he looked at my house.

Lips thinning, he watched me unbuckle my seatbelt and prepare to exit the car, bag in hand.

"There is one thing I need to discuss with you, tesoro," he said, stopping me from leaving the car.

My head cutely cocked to the side, "Yes, Mister Theo?"

Theo cocked his head to the side and watched me carefully. My shoe gently tapped against the floorboard, slightly impatient, not in a bad way – but it was only a matter of time before Father would come home...and if he saw me getting out of Mister Theo's car...

I shivered at the beating I would get for that.

"Yeah, Mis–I mean Theo?" I corrected myself, flushing at my near miss. Again.

Theo snickered lightly and gave me a quick pat on the head. I leaned happily into the gentle touch, not used to other people treating me so nicely. I reveled in it and hoped it would happen again.

Theo smiled softly and turned his upper body around to face me. "I would like for you to come back to Ataraxia tomorrow if you could."

My brows furrowed when he watched me closely.

"Why?" my bottom lip pooched out as I thought.

Theo chuckled and gently touched my tender head. "My wife used to be a nurse...and we – the Chairman and I – would like for her to check over you to make sure you're not injured further."

My heart fluttered happily.

They cared! Since they cared...that means they really are my friends, right? Friends care about one another! Oh, how exciting this was! Life was turning around! Thank you, dear lord! I silently prayed but a thought came to mind and had me balking.

Would Mister Theo's wife ask where my bruises come from? And what would I tell them? I don't like to lie. I've never been good at it.

My teeth came down to nibble on my bottom lip.

Friends don't lie to each other. But I couldn't tell them the truth about Father. If he found out...he would be really...really mad and I could never see my new friends again.

But maybe I could hide my arms! Right? That would work! And I could see Chairman Jeon again!

I would love to see him again! Since he wasn't so scary now that I had spoken with him. And Theo said he was my friend now. And friends wouldn't kill one another.

Theo's eyes slightly widened at my worried, downtrodden frame.

"It is alright, little tesoro. Arilie will only check your head, plus I would like to learn more about my new friend," he assured me, hazel eyes staring deeply into my sapphire-colored ones, smiling when I perked up.

"...okay." I nodded, a little grin coming on my face. "It may be late when I come...if that's okay. I have chores to do." I told him, fisting my crocheted bag in my hand to resist the urge to squeal happily.

I would see the man with the pretty, sparkling eyes soon!

Oh, Mama! Isn't this wonderful!?

Theo clapped his hands happily and sent me a wide smile – bright white teeth gleaming and contrasting beautifully against his skin tone.

"Great! I will see you tomorrow, little Tesoro! Sleep well."

I opened the door and hopped out, giggling happily.

"I will, Theo! Thank you!" I held onto my bag with both hands and peeked into his eyes. "I hope you sleep well to! Drive safe." I waved goodbye with both hands before turning to scamper inside the house.

I closed the door behind me and fell against it.

"Wow," I murmured to myself, wondering how so much had happened in the span of mere hours.

I made two friends, went outside for the first time in years, met Chairman Jeon and looked into his pretty eyes, and got to ride in a cool car.

This was a dream come true!

A tear of joy dripped down my cheek, the overwhelming feeling of euphoria washing through my body as I slid down to the floor, sniffing.

I was so excited for tomorrow!

I just had to think of a way to sneak out without Father noticing my absence.

author's note ; ✨

Ahhhhh! It's almost time for interactions with Solaris and Chairman Jeon! I'm so freaking excited! As always, thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed the chapter! ❤️✨

Thanks so much for reading!

[thecomfywriter]

🤬AITA tag game 🤬

thank you for the tags @mysticstarlightduck @theink-stainedfolk @drchenquill @wyked-ao3 and @the-golden-comet. if you also tagged me and i missed you, SORRY. i'm super excited for this one because it seems super interesting, and AITA threads are my guilty pleasure. OKAYYY, let's get into it :)

This will be for ToV. Guess who the narrator is lol.

｡ ₊°༺❤︎༻°₊ ｡

AITA for saving the life of the man who killed my mother (by indirectly causing a massacre) and making him my mentor?

Okay. I understand the title sounds bad. I promise you-- the situation is more nuanced than the whims of my clickbait. Please read this post in full, as, while all my peers do not treat me as an asshole, they certainly treat me as a dunce for getting involved.

I (17M) live in a queendom called Soilaila. Our queen (Von Doro, ??? age) is a dragon, I should mention, and lives within the volcano that landmarks our nation. It is her monarchial responsibility to ensure the volcano does not explode. Which is why I do not understand why more blame is not denoted to her for detonating the volcano 16 years ago and killing all her citizens. My mother included.

Everyone blames Hilbert (~150+?? M), and while I understand Hilbert may have murdered all of the queen's children and made an attempt on her life as well, he only made his assassination attempt under the counsel of the Jervees, so really, they are to blame. And besides-- it was not as though Hilbert killed all the dragons alone that he should solely be blamed! Everyone in Soilaila acts as though they did not take up arm and spear alongside him during the Dragon Hunts that inspired Von Doro's wrath.

Apologies. I am rambling. My point being, Hilbert had self-exiled himself 16 years ago after the Incident, and none of us had seen him since. Until last Tuesday. I was on a walk in the Bazaar when I see a mob of people holding an old man up by his arms, using him as a punching bag! They were kicking him black and blue, taking their belts off to use as whips, lashing his skin with leather and steel.

This is the part where, apparently, I am the asshole. I go up to the crowd and I tell them to stop. They were beating up an old man after all! And then they tell me the old man is Hilbert, and I cannot simply back out of my allegiance at this point, so I tell these grieving parents, "Does it matter?" and that they were ultimately in the wrong for choosing revenge over peace.

I got them to stop (a very painful pursuit, may I add. One that has resulted in bruises and lashes on my own back and legs), but at the end of it, I had promised to take Hilbert to the Jervees for his arrest.

This is also where I may have screwed up.

I did not take him to the Jervees. I tried to take him home, and on the way, as he told me stories of his youth and the truth of the Incident... Trust me-- after the truths and conspiracies he revealed, I have no trouble believing him when he says he is a victim to the Incident, more than anyone else in Soilaila. Regardless, seeing such an impressive man in front of me, I requested he become my mentor in exchange for my allegiance and protection from all those who wish to convict or harm him in Soilaila.

But now, everyone thinks me idiotic for believing him! Even though I know he is telling the truth.

I do not think I am an asshole for giving this old man a chance. Yes, he has made some mistakes in his past. And yes, his ledger is unbearably red with violent crimes. But do people not have the liberty to change? To try to improve themselves and be better? Why is it all "second chances!" and "heal and forgive!" until it actually comes to healing and forgiving? And why are all my friends trying their absolute damnest to separate me from Hilbert? If anything, I would reckon they were the assholes more than Hilbert or myself.

--

EDIT: everyone keeps asking me how my father feels in this situation. I will admit-- he is rather betrayed and sees me as a failure of a son. But if he saw me as anything more than that to begin with, perhaps I would not need to seek out Hilbert's company at all.

EDIT #2: This post is reaching unfathomable audiences who are all calling me naive. Trust me-- you do not know the whole story. Hilbert's methods of convincing me of the truth are not so much as manipulation as much as they are "revelations of reality."

EDIT #3: This is going to be my last edit on this post, as it seems some people are simply bound to their opinions. That is alright. We are fated to disagree with one another. But for everyone asking me why I am comfortable blaming Von Doro for the death of my mother and not Hilbert, I would like you to read your question out loud. Why do I not blame the man who indirectly triggered the person who killed my mother in rage? Does that makes sense to you?

EDIT #4: you all were right.

｡ ₊°༺❤︎༻°₊ ｡

leaving this as an +open tag for any and all of my followers to enjoy! Happy Writing :)

｡ ₊°༺❤︎༻°₊ ｡

PREORDER THRONE OF VENGEANCE

Join the TCW Tag Crew!

Join the TCW writing bar discord!

Support me on Ko-Fi!

₊°༺❤︎༻°₊ ｡

TCW Crew:

@lunaeuphternal @the-golden-comet @renasdoodles

@drchenquill @zackprincebooks @wyked-ao3

@toragay-writing @the-letterbox-archives @bookwormclover

@kind-lion @mysticstarlightduck @agirlandherquill

@storyteller-kara @dahliaontherun @writingismydrugs

@authorcoledipalo @sm-writes-chaos @illarian-rambling

@pexchys @an-indecisive-nerd @thelovelymachinery

@bookwormclover @kaeru483

[inquebrar]

sighing deeply and here we go again... i didn't think i would talk about this but this time it happened in one of my posts so i'll try to explain something from the point of view of someone who is aspec myself.

from the moment q!Cellbit got into a relationship with q!Roier before the wedding, there was a lot of talk about the honeymoon and q!Cellbit always made it clear by replying "i don't feel interested in that" "i don't like" "i don't do these things" and then this gave us a beautiful scene (which could easily not have happened if it wasn't important to the character) where q!Roier listens to q!Cellbit explaining that he would like them to sleep together but that he will not have sex and asked if there was any problem with that, then we had a moment of understanding and acceptance that only strengthened their marriage.

after that moment there were several other situations where it's clear that q!Cellbit's asexuality is not something superficial and used only as a meaningless label, but since then many people have started to make disrespectful comments, with misinformation and even contradictory to what was being said. no one ever said that q!Cellbit is the definition of asexuality as a whole, but to say that he is a character that brings us asexual representativity is no harm at all, being queer embraces many things and within the lgbtqia+ community there are various spectrums of sexuality and gender identity. there are people who are asexuals who also identify as aromantic but there are people who are only aromantic, they're two different things that can sometimes be together or not, in the same way that there are asexuals who experiences sexual attraction under specific conditions, some are strict asexuals, some experiences sexual attraction more or less, others are sex-repulsed others can have sex even without feeling sexually attracted and there are still many other variations and spectrums, and they are all valid and real.

to have a character who is canonically married and talks about not being interested in sex, is far from being something stereotypical. i have literally never had any representativity like that, especially because it's a big issue "not having sex is a sign of a failed marriage/relationship" now imagine that in a gay relationship. a character doesn't need to constantly remind people "hello! i'm asexual" and carry the flag for people to take it seriously, also many scenes that involve a better understanding of q!Cellbit being on the asexual spectrum he's speaking in portuguese so to people who don't speak this language lose a lot of context and subtle moments because that's how it really happens. and in general, if you want to have a headcanon that he's not asexual or you just don't think he is, i just ask, please be more respectful, it's great to receive asexual representativity in different ways, through different characters on different spectrums! let people feel joy and show appreciation, celebrate and just be happy.

your sexuality is valid and having a character that makes you feel happy and gives you a representativity that you've never had before and to have moments where you can relate is incredible! so please, if you are going to make negative comments or complaints that may make people uncomfortable, please use "neg" or "discourse" tags and don't do that on reblogs that have nothing related to negativity or stuff like that, always keep in mind to be respectful, please, it's not too much to ask 🙂

[highlordofkrypton]

What is this "proshippers" stuff that I have been seeing all over the internet? Is it a bad thing?

Good morning, anon!

I just gotta say before I start, your timing 😭 I absolutely love this question because you're making me research and I have a lot to say, but I just finished the gym so please picture a trembling T-Rex over the keyboard as you read this.

Short answer: Proshippers are people who believe in 'ship and let ship', even if the ships can be viewed as problematic, but not all proshippers ship problematic ships. It is not a bad thing, if you take into account the whole picture and not just specific problematic examples. BUT over time, people have come to use proshipper as 'problematic shipper' so it depends who you're talking to?

I'm not an authority on what is bad or good, the best I can do is give you the different points, and let you decide how you feel about the topic.

WHEW, THIS GOT LONG AND PERSONAL SO BUCKLE UP!!

This Reddit thread sums up what proshipping is really nicely, and I'm just going to add onto what's already said there.

CONTEXT

As an older fandom member myself, and back in my day, proshipping and a lot of the labels you see floating around wasn't a thing. At least, not to me. Back when I was active on Tumblr over a decade ago, everyone just kinda stuck in their own corners, doing their own thing with their niche group of people.

Then, as time shifted, the fandom became more popularized and acceptable, you have more people coming in to engage with the culture. As I mentioned in my ACOTAR fandom analysis (which can be applied more broadly), fandom really started as the weirdos being weird together on our weird little site (and I say this with the utmost affection). With more people participating, you have more opinions coming into the mix with more discussions happening. Not to mention, how the pandemic brought fandom to the eyes of the general public making it a lot easier for them to shame and comment on something they don't necessarily understand.

One thing that you'll see me repeating on this blog is that art is a form of expression, exploration and therapy. Art can be problematic and it can be harmful to some people, but the beauty of fandom is that tags are a form of etiquette to help cater your experience and I do see most people trying to do it. You are in control when you are in fandom. You do not need to engage with anything you do not like, but the responsibility is on you (not others) to manage your experience.

TWO WAYS TO LOOK AT PROSHIPPING

As mentioned above, at its core, to be pro-ship means that you are all for people shipping whatever the hell they want because it's none of your business. By that definition, you could look at it more as a movement or a belief system, rather than a 'label'. It's a belief of freedom of expression and being anti-censorship rather than focusing on problematic ships.

As of late, and with my return to Tumblr after an eternity (it feels like a whole new place, btw), proshipping has morphed into meaning 'problematic-shipping'. I see people tagging their blogs as 'proshippers DNI' and then list that they are anti-incest or underage content. This is a totally fair request, but it lumps the idea that you have the right to ship anything as you're specifically pro those two things or anything that is specifically problematic.

THE PROBLEM WITH 'PROSHIPPING' READ AS 'PROBLEMATIC SHIPPING'

If you're someone who stands by the second definition and that proshippers are all, by default, people who stand by problematic ships, you may risk falling into the trap of extremes, generalizations and censorship in a way that I find is harmful to people who use fandom as an escape.

Where do you draw the line about what's problematic? Some people say that age gaps are problematic, but as an adult, I think that a 30 year old dating a 50 year old is not inherently problematic. At 30, your brain chemistry changes and you are mature enough to make these kinds of decisions. There is a certain age where the ages start to blur and you don't really feel the difference between generations. Then, there's a hundred other questions you can ask. Did those two people start dating now at those big old ages? Or did it start younger? What was the context?

Speaking of context, there are a lot of people who will see a tag or a ship and immediately deem that work as problematic. It's important to remember that there is so much more at play than just the text itself, and you can't always make a direct moral correlation between the art, artist and perceiver. All three of these present a different perspective. The art is the finished product, the artist comes with their own set of experiences and so does the perceiver.

SOME EXAMPLES & DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES

(tw: abuse)

Two more things I'd like to add.

I haven't yet read the Death of the Author which a theory that says you shouldn't take into account the author when you are reading a text, but rather how the text or the art makes you feel, but fandom is so tightly knitted with creators that this is a tricky approach to take. With larger more traditionally published works, there's a separation between you, the perceiver, and the author. It's easier and better for discourse to disassociate so you can discuss with your peers what you got from the text.

In fandom, you are among peers and you are already in the community. I am not absolving any problematic ships and I do have personal hard boundaries that I enforce (and do not engage with), but I will say that there are things I can empathize with. There's a reason in fandom that we always so 'don't like, don't read', or why we don't leave critical reviews or why some people think it's bad form to censor/police others.

In fandom, you are creating for you or directly for your community.

Now, I'm gonna get into more personal examples.

As someone who has been neglected, abused (every version under the sun -- physically, sexually, verbally, emotionally, financially, etc.) and other stuff I don't want to get into, writing is my outlet. I don't personally claim the label of victim for personal reasons, but for all intents and purposes, I am one. I am someone who has spent most of my life alone, with my emotions (alone) and my thoughts (alone) because any form of vulnerability or imperfection was punished. When I look back at my life, sometimes I wonder why it feels like I lived the Murphy's Law of abuse.

That said, I only had writing. From the age of 11 to my big old age now, it's the number one way for me to work through emotions without ever having to put my name on it. I didn't have to be the victim and if I needed it, I could write myself a hero. It's a question of reliving experiences or exploring themes in a setting that I can control.

What if my character is assaulted? But what if someone came to comfort them afterwards? Made them feel seen and didn't diminish that pain? Or what if they did take away that pain so the main character doesn't have to carry it for as long as I did? What if I write about power dynamics because having someone you can inherently trust with everything brings me peace?

What if the violence I portray is my way of feeling in control of a situation like that? What if I support women being violent in my work because they deserve to stand up for themselves with the same force of the violence committed against them?

What if I write about ugly things because I see myself as an ugly thing and I want to celebrate that? I love villains. In the eyes of my abusers, I am the villain. (Have you ever been under the thumb of a narcissist? Many narcissists? They are always right, and you are always wrong.) Did you know that as a woman of colour (depending where you are), the more your stand up for yourself and the more you maintain firm boundaries, the more you're treated as a bitch? Or some kind of poison to the world around you? Some men will go out of their way to make you submit, even professionally.

All that said, I do not wish any bad thing on anyone and when I'm done writing my silly little work, the only reason I share it is because I hope someone sees a part of them in this and feels a little less alone. When I finish writing, I log off and live my life bringing as much positivity as I can to every person I interact with because I don't know what they are going through.

I never shared my writing before this year, and let me tell you, the number of people who have told me that they cried, they felt sadness and felt seen by the way trauma was depicted in some of my work -- THIS is why I share. The world is so big, and everyone is so focused on fitting in, or hell, just surviving, and it's easy to feel alone.

So, I can't imagine taking that label of anti-proshipping, or bringing that whole energy of trying to silence and police people when some of the 'problematic' content you see might actually help someone work through some things in a way that works for them without harming real people. (These are works of fiction, and art.)

Would you prefer wiping the entire board because there are some people, yes, who glorify problematic things, but there are more people than you know who see themselves in seemingly 'problematic things' and it heals a little part of them? I'm not saying everyone has a 'valid' excuse, but who am I to play judge and jury? That's not a task I'm personally willing to undertake in a fictional sandbox. I block and move on, that's it.

If, after everything I've said, I do fall under proshipper, please keep in mind that I am fighting for the people who find community, the people who are healing and the people who just want to get away from the performance that is our daily lives.

[audristarzz]

I've been feeling anxious and stressed with this whole kosa thing im trying not to panic but sometimes it feels like no matter what we do they wont listen to us i just saw a tiktok saying that their not even reading up on this bill which pisses me off more. And we are telling them time and time again to not pass kosa. I remember so many content creators were talking about the dangers of the kosa bill i remember it being talked everywhere and now it's just silence which confuses me why is no concerned about this bill did everyone just forget or just doesn't care anymore. This is just reminding me of the whole tiktok ban thing again but so many people online were talking about that but not kosa at all like this bill is going to affect everyone and then everyone will start panicking if it does pass when they could've spoken out about the bill. I'm sorry for the kinda long rant im just stressed anxious idk what to do i have been calling emailing whatever im just so tired i've been spreading info in my twiiter/x account and none of my mutuals seems to care i know people are focusing about what's going on in palestine congo sudan etc so am i but you focus on multiple things at once this bill can censor people talking about these countries too so it makes me really confused why there's barley anyone concerned about the censorship and online safety thing and the whole government id like literally no one of my mutuals care their just only liking posts about me retweeting stuff about palestine sudan and congo like what about the kosa bill it can censor us talking about israels war crimes hello people you should be concerned and make some noise about kosa. I'll try to distract myself i guess but it's hard not to worry i hope it doesn't immediately go to the house once it fully passes the senate since from my understanding only a committee passed it so it might pass the senate tomorrow or some shit idk. Im glad there's slightly more opposition in the house it gives me hope also do you think even if it does pass that it can be stopped with congressman and the government being sued i heard something about lawsuits in a few posts on here and twitter/x but again sorry for the long rant you can ignore if you want it is a long rant sorry lol.

hello!! don’t apologize for ranting I can understand why it’s very stressful and scary especially since it feels like you have nobody to talk to about this, it is infact a scary time for us right now with everyone going on but I’m very proud of you for spreading awareness about KOSA, I myself am trying to stay positive since there could be things that stop the bill (opposition, the possibility of it getting sued and the fact it’s harmful for lgbtq youth and unconstitutional as fuck) but I’ll admit it the anxiety and stress of it does get to me but I’m not going to give up and neither should you. I learned about KOSA a year ago and the reason why it’s just NOW getting to the senate is because we voiced our opposition, Evan Greer is a reliable source where I get my information and she does a lot to try to keep KOSA from passing. A reminder that KOSA tried to pass before in previous years but didn’t because there was so much opposition of it. Maxwell Frost, a representative opposes KOSA amongst others which is good, Once again, there is more opposition and skepticism about KOSA in the House than Senate. I know it’s scary and worrisome but please, don’t panic and if it gets to the point where it’s to much for your health take a step back from looking at updates for a minute. KOSA won’t go straight into effect after it’s voted to the Senate, and IF it passes it will take 18 months to go into effect depending on which state you’re in. But it’s not to that point yet, It has to get to the House which if we keep voicing our concern and opposition will not pass and then get signed to the president, which given everything that’s been going on in the presidential race, may be a bit tricky or take longer to get too. Senate goes into a break in August so I’ve heard so that gives us time to keep calling/ emailing and faxing. If you have any trusted adult I would recommend voicing your concerns to them, i myself am in a very much homophobic republican family (democratic state tho) and i felt hopeless for awhile since I had nobody to voice my concerns to but then I talked to my older cousin and it made me feel a lot better since she voted for Biden. Im not an expert when it comes to politics and this, I get my research from other amazing blogs on Tumblr, articles and Evan Greer since I don’t have any other social media platforms. But I hope I was able to bring some reassurance to you, if not I apologize but please do not give up because the silence is what’s going to get KOSA to pass, keep voicing your opposition, calling / faxing and emailing. It’s going to be okay and please do not panic, whatever happens tomorrow will be a step forward or back but regardless we can fight it and not let KOSA pass. You’re doing great Anon. 💗

[saturrnss]

Waves 🌊 (18+)

namor x brown/darkskin!black!reader

angst with happy ending

warnings: ANGST, insecurities, self hate, mentions of colorism, self-degradation (non-sexual), ground level self esteem, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, mentions to suicide, mentions of self harm, slight mentions of ed, mention of sex, corny writing

A/N: over the years I've started to hate myself more and more, wondering why don't I look like all the pretty white girls I see, the hate has turned into suicidal thoughts (not saying it's the only reason but still). I'm trying to get over it now but once in a while they appear again, and i'm trying to make myself feel better so here this is. (if you're struggling like me, please if you can get therapy or if you don't have anyone, talk to me in my dms :) (let's just pretend that there's wifi at the bottom of the ocean and i'm ass at writing so don't expect much outta me)

You hate yourself, like not a dislike you HATE yourself. Your hair, your face, your legs, your skin, everything about yourself. every time you show your face in public you feel like a burden, a mistake, making everyone's life a little bit harder. You once cut your hair off in a rage because maybe, just maybe, it would grow out straight.

(Your mother wasn’t too pleased with that)

ever since you were a child you weren't allowed to wear certain things because "only lightskins could wear that" and “they wouldn’t even see it on you” your mother used to tell you, when you were a teenager every boy rated you a 2/10, constant bullying or asked you out as a joke.

It’s not like your parents cared either, they were either too worried about themselves or busy yelling at you so they were never there for you

You started weight watching, straightened your hair, and started internalizing self hatred. It got so bad to a point where your hair was absolutely fried and it felt like you had to self harm every single day or you would kill yourself

ever since you were a child every spring and summer- not missing a day, you suck out to go to this beach near your house late at night

You felt like yourself there, free from the expectations of society-not one entity was near you except the ocean, the ocean never judged you, it always accepted you

for the entire time you just layed flat out on the sand, looking at the moon slowly disappear as it grew closer to morning- hearing the whoosh of the water next to you

subconsciously hoping-- even praying that one day, whatever god or goddess of the ocean maybe out there, would just let the waves take you out to sea, let your body be at one with the ocean for all eternity.

One night, in spring transitioning into summer, you were doing your daily routine, until you heard something unfamiliar in the ocean. You got up and saw something strange get out of the ocean. You quickly run and hide yourself (luckily your far enough from them that they didn't notice you) You see a man and a woman appear but one of them was- Blue?

she was wearing a weird contraption on her face that had some sort of-- liquid, on her face? you look and try to listen in on their conversation but they're too far away to hear, only mumbles. a couple minutes later you accidentally lay on piece of glass

“Ow fuck!”

The strange man and woman turn around to the noise

You quickly cover yourself with whatever is near you and try your absolute best to stay quiet.

"Ba'ax ka biin le je'elo? (what was that?)" the blue woman says as they both get up and stalk towards where you are. you hear flapping and something rising up into the air. you try to move your head to take a peak.

you get an eye up and to your surprise, you see the man up in the air, with wings on his feet. In a mix of shock and slight horror and fear that that could be possible, you were frozen. the man lowers himself back onto the ground ''Falsa alarma (false alarm)''

They walk away and submerge back into the ocean and that's when you get up and run as fast as you can back to your house. you didn't go back there for 2 days after that.

A year or 2 later you were driving home from a therapy session, you're life and mental state were still shit (as usual) but you were sadder than usual, no-one cared about you, you barley had any friends and you went no contact with your family. you were alone, no-one had your back and no-one wanted to. so you finally decided to do it, to end it all.

you drive to the place where you always went to, taking in everything and everywhere before your end. you finally get to the beach, you get out of your car and sit down to meditate, coming to terms with the fact that the world moved fast, and you moved slow.

finally coming to peace with your decision, you take off your shoes and sweater, and finally walk into the ocean with your eyes closed.

you swim deeper from the surface so you won't easily get out. You could hold your breath for 2 minutes so it wasn't really that hard, but then you started to struggle, you stop yourself from swimming up, reassuring yourself that it's the right decision.

After another minute of struggle your body finally gave up and passed out. You woke up a day later in a room, you were scared to open your eyes because maybe you were in hell?? What if there wasn't anything at all?!?

You were having a mini panic session until your heard footsteps, who opened your eyes to see who was there and it was the flying man you saw on the beach.

An overwhelming feeling of relief flew over you, this wasn't the afterlife you expected but at least there was something after. "Hi" he says with a soft smile on his face. "Where am I?" You say as you sit up.

“The more important question is are you ok” he comes over and puts the back of his hand on your forehead. “You threw up on yourself when we were saving you so they put you in new clothes.” You looked down on yourself and noticed the beautiful gown they put on you.

“This might be weird question but is the is heaven?” He softly chucked, “I appreciate the compliment but your still on earth” he gives you a bowl of water

you look up at him to thank him only to get locked in his gaze, his eyes were like a forever forest you couldn’t get out of, you noticed everything about him, and everything about him to you was perfect.

You were so sucked in that you didn’t even notice that he was lost in your eyes too. He forced himself to snap out of it cause he was kind of in denial.

Okay maybe he took a bias to you when he saw unconscious and that’s why he sent everyone away but there’s absolutely no way he would fall In love with a surface dweller, after 200 years??? No.

“So, how did you end up in the ocean?” He asks, trying to detract from the last moment “someone try to murder you or was it an accident?” “Um..” you start to tell him the truth, but you decide against it. “A freak accident….I-i don’t really remember much”

It was really weird at first, not being able to go outside because you'll drown, but overtime you two quickly grew closer, you told him things about the surface world -he didn’t really like the surface world much but he didn’t say-

You got your phone repaired and somehow still got wi fi so you could show him all your favorite songs and dance with him to it, showed him your favorite memes too (he really didn’t get the memes or what made them funny but he saw you laughing so he laughed too)

late at night while you were about to go to sleep, he told you the stories his mom told him, band about once he came across this white man with a vibranium shield who was frozen, he poked it with his spear but just left it alone because he didn’t want to let a white man into talokan

You met that blue lady with the weird mask, her names actually namora and she’s his cousin. You were both kind of shy and awkward around each other but sooner or later you both became good friends

You started to open up to ku, about everything that happened in your past, your self harming, and then finally the real reason he found you. That was the first time you ever saw him shed a tear that day, then everyday since then he made time out for you and listened to what you had to say

Comforting you and consoling you, you started to get better little by little

You were slowly but surely falling in love with him but you didn’t say anything about it because you didn’t want to make it uncomfortable between the two of you

One night, when he finally took you back to the surface world for the first Time in a long time, your car was no where to be seen but you didn’t care, all you cared about was ku and you were just glad that he was here.

You were both sitting on the sand, looking at the sky, he put your hand on top of yours and you turned you head yo smile at him, that’s when he finally kissed you. It felt like time had stoped and the only thing moving was the both of you, his lips felt like a cloud

the fact that he reciprocated the feelings you had for him made you ecstatic— but most importantly It was the first time you felt like someone was actually, there for you

Like someone had actually loved you, for you, didn’t care what you looked like

When your lips separated you quickly got back into it, leading to a make-out session and then it eventually but inevitably leading to sex and trust and believe that it was the most wonderful sexual encounter you’ve ever had.

you still self harmed, out of habit mostly- on different parts of the leg so no one would notice, especially k’uk’ulkan, you didn't wanna lose him and you thought if he found out about this he would leave you and kick you out of talokan for sure, or even worse. he occasionally asked questions about why you wear long sleeves even though it could be burning up so you stopped for a while. He was the love of your life and everything seemed to be going perfect for you

Until.

an hour ago- you felt like you embarrassed yourself in front of everyone, and all of a sudden all those negative feelings you had all in your childhood and teenage years just hit you like a tornado.

In reality it wasn’t that big of a deal to everyone else but to your inner child, it was

After having a 10 minute long panic attack You made the impulsive decision to end it all. "everyone would be okay if you were gone, no one would care" "you should have killed yourself 3 years ago" your mind told you.

you took the sharpest object you could find and went to your room, "you can do it" "do one good thing for once" you told yourself, jumping and doing any and everything you can to hype yourself up, and you finally do it. you slit your wrist. You immediately regret it, trying to find everything you can to stop the blood but your losing quickly.

you fall down on the floor pretty hard. clinging onto your last breaths before you go you hear something. "Y/N?!?" It was ku. you finally pass out

you slowly open your eyes to see a blue woman standing over you checking your temperature. "Táan despiertos! (they're awake!)" she tells namor as she walks away to get something. Ku quickly goes over to you and kisses you all over.

"What happened?!? Are you ok?!” He says. “I’m fine” you say trying to smile so he doesn’t question you. “I was just trying to cut some food” you don’t make eye contact with him and you look sad

He doesn’t believe it for a second.

“Y/n the last you said something like this was accidental you ended up trying to kill yourself”

You just stayed silent, looking at the ground getting teary eyed. “You should have just told you weren’t happy here!” he says with a slight shake in his voice. “Did I do anything wrong?!”

You say nothing.

“Y/n look at me” he says but you still don’t fearing the worst if you do. “Look. At. Me.” He says with a stern voice, you finally look up at him.

“Do you hate me?” You say with tears streaming down your face. “Hate you? In what way would I hate you? Why would I hate you?” He gets closer to you. “It’s because…” you take a deep breath “all my life, everyone’s always hated me, in one way or another, I’ve never mattered to anyone, I was just the nuisance, the mistake, It feels like I’m just a monster, one of the universes failed experiments.”

“Nobody would care if I was gone ku, not even you.” You just sit in silence for a while, him gathering himself and you, continuing to hang your head in shame. He then cups your face and looks deep into your eyes. “Y/n I have loved you ever since I layed my eyes on you. laugh, smile, hair, personality, everything about you. You are the most beautiful person I have ever layed. The people of talokan love you, I love you” he puts his forehead on yours “and if I could burn the surface world twice for me to prove that to you, I would.”

You then realized that this man really loves you, and you loved him back. The woman came back into the room, walking in on you and him. “Ka wu'uyik in ajawo'! Chéen - (I’m sorry my king! I just-)”

“Ma' a preocupes in waal (don’t worry my child)" he kisses you and steps out of the room to attend to his other duties.

Life from then on went on pretty swell, you restarted therapy, ku ordered attuma to take you once every week, (you lended him your clothes to him so he could disguise himself) you learned a little bit of the language, he’s very overprotective of you because he doesn’t want to lose you

At night, he kisses every little scar on your body, you stopped self harming, learned to pick up different hobbies instead of hurting yourself to relive stress, to not rely on anyone for your happiness and to avoid toxic behaviors. Your life is actually going good for once

You were happy.

You finally felt something again.

Ok I’m done, back to fun stuff now

wattpad: saturnshaze

[sadlilghostt]

HOLD ME TIGHT PLEASE, PUDDING

Kenma Kozume x Fem!reader

WARNINGS : Panick attacks, mentions of self harm

Genre : romance

Summary : Kenma is Y/N's boyfriend since the first year of high school, and when kenma came to visit at Y/N's place, he found his beloved kitten having a break down on her room.

° ∆ -------- ••• ------- ∆ °° ∆ -------- ••• ------- ∆ °

The sound of my heart pounding in my chest is the only thing I hear, the sound of my agony I'm trying to hide, the lump of my throat that is literally heavy and it's making harder for me to hold back my sobs.

I don't know why I am like this, why am I like this? I was happy earlier, I thought everything was going well. How did it turned out like this? Why am I feeling like this?

A train of thoughts ran miles and miles to my mind, the more I think, the more heavy my chest gets. It hurts so much.

It hurt so much that I started to hit my chest, clawing it to, desperate to breath. It hurts... So so much. Someone please... I begged.

Everything was to much to the point that I was scratching my neck and arms leaving marks all over it and also a specks of blood starts to show on it.

Just then, I felt someone embrace me. Taking me into their arms, embracing me so warmly and gently. I felt the person held my hands preventing me from injuring myself any further. The person was rocking out body back and forth as if they were consoling a crying baby.

" shhhh.. It's ok kitten, I'm here, your pudding is here, it's ok my love.. I'm here.. " they hushed. Pudding? Wait I know that name.. Who was it? Where have I known them.

" look at me baby, look at me. " I felt the person grabbed my chin gently making me look at them, there I was met with such beautiful cat-eyes with Hazel Hues.. Wait I know these eyes. Oh these eyes held such adoration and Warmness.. And care in them. Oh I could just stare at them for hours.

" that's it, good girl, now beat her with me honey, breathe me.. That's it. " they then held me closer. I tried to mimic their breathing which was working, I felt their hands rubbing circles on my back while.

" there we go, you're doing great kitten. Just keep doing that.. There we go.. " they kissed my forehead. A sense of familiarity ran through my veins. My mind was foggy and messy before so I wasn't able to recognize the perosn show as holding me right now. I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't even realize that he was the one who is holding me right now.

I pulled out in his embrace as I stared at his beautiful cat-eyes. I examine his feautures. Jaw length hair with a yellow dye below his black hair, making him look like a pudding, cute cheeks.. Pointy nose and oh the the eyes I always love to get lost at.

I cupped his cheeks as another sob escaped my lips, more tears spilling through my eyes.

" k-kenma.. " I sobbed, lips quivering. He then smiled, the little smile I always love to see in him.

I felt another whine escaped my lips, biting my lower lip to supress another ugly cry.

Kenma, my boyfriend, pulled me back into his arms. The comfort he was giving me was enough to break the walls I was trying to built making me cry like a pathetic child.

Kenma held me tight as he whispers such sweet comments and compliments to me. The fact that he was giving those beautiful words for me only made me more emotional. Why am I such a cry baby? I feel embarrassed, yet so loved at the same time.

I clutched his shirt, crying my heart out into his chest as he rubbed circles to my back, kissing my forehead and whispering such sweet things to me. How did I became this lucky.

░░░░░░░

After seems like hours. Y/N finally calmed down, but asleep.

I looked at her puffy eyes and her flushed cheeks and nsoe from crying, I wiped her wet cheeks and the snot on her nose with my T-shirt and also wiping her sweats.

I sighed for a bit before looking at her again, so beautiful and so fragile. I sighed yet again before chuckling. But at the same time, she's one a hell of a woman.

I tuck a few strand of her H/L H/C behind her ear before carrying her in bridal style and placing her gently on her bed. once I placed her on her bed, I quickly went to her bathroom, taking her med kit and taking out some disinfectant and bandages.

I cleaned the scratches on her arms and neck before wrapping them up. Once I was done I tidied up my mess and her room. In the process of me on cleaning her room, I heard a soft knock coming from the door.

It opened slightly and to only reveal her mother. I bowed at her politely and also greeting her.

" how is she? "She asked with a worried look in her eyes.

" she's.. Fine now, just calmed down. " I answered. Her mother looked at her sleeping figure for a moment before looking back at me again.

Her mother gave me a bow before giving me a hug, I felt myself froze from the spot not really used this much contact before, well, apart from Y/N.

Mrs. L/N let go of me before giving me a sad smile as she went to Y/N sleeping figure, sitting beside her.

Mrs. L/N stared at her daughter for a moment before caressing her cheeks.

" Y/N is very lucky to find a boy like you, you know? " Mrs. L/N started, I felt myself getting flustered at her comment.

I was about to object when she cuts me off.

" back then, her attacks were far worse then this actually.. To the point that she to he admitted to a hospital. " she sighed.

" before you came, my duaghtee, Y/N, was very quiet, rarely speaks and go outside. But thanks to you, that all changed. " she looked at me.

" I'm very thankful for everything you did for my daughter. " she walked up to me and patted my head.

" please continue treating my daughter with so much care. " she smiled before bowing again and leaving the room. I stared at the now closed door for a moment before sighing and inviting myself to the bed next to her, also carefully pulling herself to me, cuddling her real close.

I promise to treat you with so much care and love. I love you so so much L/N Y/N.

[punsmaster69]

8/NOV/20XX

paps made this today.

[A neatly folded paper is attached below.]

———

THE GREAT PAPYRUS' GUIDELINES FOR TO SANS BE SAFE WHILE HE'S SORT OF IN-BETWEEN HEALTH STATES AT THE MOMENT (AND ALSO JUST IN GENERAL)

· · · . . . · · · . . . · · · . . . · · · . . . · · ·

• MUST BE WITHIN PROXIMITY A FRIEND CAPABLE OF HELPING IN CASE OF EMERGENCY!

• AT LEAST TELL ME BEFORE YOU UP AND DISAPPEAR SUDDENLY.

• GOING OUT IN BAD WEATHER IS A NO!

• EAT SOMETHING BEFORE LEAVING! THE EXCEPTION TO THIS BEING IF YOU'RE GOING OUT SOMEWHERE TO EAT.

• IF YOU START TO FEEL UNWELL TO ANY CAPACITY... STOP FORCING YOURSELF TO KEEP DOING THINGS!

• LET AT LEAST ONE OTHER FRIEND KNOW WHERE YOU ARE/WILL BE.

• DON'T REMOVE ANY BULLET POINTS FROM THIS LIKE YOU DID WITH YOUR TO-DO LIST, WHERE ITEMS KEPT SLOWLY DISAPPEARING BUT WERE NOT ACTUALLY BEING COMPLETED. I WROTE IN PEN THIS TIME! DON'T TRY IT!!

• THROWING UP/ACCIDENTAL EYE ALTERATIONS ARE AN IMMEDIATE "GO HOME".

• PLEASE COME HOME BY AT LEAST A SOMEWHAT REASONABLE TIME.

• REMEMBER TO DRINK WATER! MAYBE KEEP A BOTTLE WITH YOU.

• SLEEP PROPERLY! NO ALARMS TO KEEP YOU UP!!

REALLY. I UNDERSTAND THE FEAR, BUT BEING AWAKE FOR SO LONG DOES MORE HARM THAN IS PREVENTED.

• ALSO, DON'T WRITE IN YOUR JOURNAL SO LATE THAT YOU DON'T SLEEP ENOUGH.

• ALSO ALSO, DON'T KEEP CONVINCING YOURSELF TO WRITE WHEN YOU'RE NOT IN A STATE TO. I CAN ALWAYS TAKE OVER IF NEED BE!

• WHEN YOU NEED A BREAK... TAKE IT!!

• NO PUSHING YOURSELF TO THE BRINK OF EXHAUSTION. FOR ANY REASON!

— ★

WITH LOVE (AND CONCERN) FROM THE GREAT PAPYRUS, THE CONCLUDED GUIDELINES FOR TO SANS BE SAFE.

———

"THE LIST IS SUBJECT TO CHANGE, IF I THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE TO ADD... BUT I WANT YOU TO FOLLOW THIS."

"ok."

"EVERYONE WILL HELP HOLD YOU TO IT!"

"so you're.. en-𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵-ing everyone to enforce this?"

"YES, BECAUSE AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE TO, I CAN'T WATCH OVER YOU BY MYSELF 24/7."

"fair enough."

"though, gotta ask: why'd i need safety guidelines all of a sudden?"

"LET'S SAY THAT THIS IS PART OF THE WHOLE, 'LETTING ME CARE FOR YOU' THING."

"...alright. i'll try to follow it."

"seems easy enough, at least."

——

ok. first thing i can listen to;

there's this terrible pain in my eye that's not quite goin' away, and squinting at this page really isn't helping.

at all.

...so i'm calling it a night.

seeya tomorrow. probably.

yeah. not suddenly gonna dust.

even if it's the absolute bare minimum, i'm still gonna be here if i can help it.

[lemyvents]

⚠️ Trigger Warning⚠️: Heavy venting/Mentions of Suicide/Aggressive Ranting/Abuse/Mentions of Self-Harm

⚠️Viewer Discretion is Advise!⚠️

Hello everyone, Nicole here, and this is something that I that I need to get off my chest. This is a vent post before I go on hiatus. If you are willing to listen please keep reading this post carefully and actually listen. I would greatly appreciate it a lot! ❤️

I am NOT doing this for attention or to gain sympathy, I don't want so much attention on this post and I don't want to get overwhelmed by countless people trying to support me. I'm just Genuinely venting out my true feelings about what I’ve been through and saying what I have to say. It's not organized so be patient with me, please, and thanks. ❤️

Read at your own risk!

As an actual Autistic person with ADHD and other disorders that I am not undiagnosed for, I would usually never post vents on here or anywhere else due to my trust issues with my followers and audience but…For the past months, Maybe even Years, I started feeling less motivated to do things I am passionate about such as drawing and making fan art or characters or for people that I care about. I would feel like my art is shit and did not receive the attention it needs, and I would struggle to try to improve my art every time I receive a comment about my art, I would get high anxiety and have a triggering episode of something traumatic such as being bullied and tormented from school in the real world.

Throughout my Elementary (5th grade) and Middle School days as a child, I was always tormented and harassed by other students and I would cry every time they made a threat to me, made fun of me for jokes that I didn't understand, and physically hit me and the teachers would usually do nothing about it. Nobody gave a shit that if I had Autism, ADHD, or Anxiety whatsoever, I felt like hell throughout school. I hated just about everything around me, I felt like an outcast, and I felt like I was not worth living for. Not to mention, I was dealing with my Ex Boyfriend cheating on me as well which made shit worst for me and made me Self-Harm myself and I cut myself with a Razor, trying to k*ll myself by cutting through my veins and letting myself bleed to death to the point where I lose oxygen and consciousness.

My mother started to be extremely concerned and worried about the cuts on my arm, so she took me to a therapist to get some help the therapist helped for a little bit until a new therapist arrived when I had another appointment with a Mental Health Clinic. The new therapist wasn't much help, to be honest, so we stopped seeing that therapist and then. After I moved from my old home to a new home, I transferred to a new school in the neighborhood where I live. The school wasn't very far, it didn't take long to get there by car, but never mind that! After I was transferred I felt more comfortable and open toward new people, but then, I started to get harassed there too at times, and made my mental health worsen more. Although…

During my high school years at my New High School, I discovered something that actually made me feel lots of joy in my heart. I started watching Roary The Racing Car. The show changed a lot in me. when I heard Maxi’s voice for the first time. I felt an instant connection with the Maxi. The more I watched Roary The Racing Car the more of a connection towards both the show and Maxi grew more and more. The show made me feel very safe and I would stim and get excited quite often Especially when Maxi was on screen and talking or whenever there was fan art of Maxi. I couldn’t help my autistic stimming whenever I see stuff like that or things that I am very interested in. I became so obsessed with the show that I collected some of the merch. I would ramble about how down bad I am for Maxi but….That’s the topic for another day and I don't feel comfortable talking about it at the moment.

So after graduating and still having love for the Roary show, My mom and I went out at night to pick up a friend of ours from work while my mom and I were sitting in the parking lot chilling then after so many people from around the public came around and started parking in spots that they weren’t supposed to be, it would trigger me and I started to go on a 2-hour rant about how much I hate the world and the people within this world. Then I started to think a lot about suicide, venting to her about how I wanted to k*ll myself. Then the next morning I still felt like shit, which then lead to my mom calling the Suicide Hotline then next morning because I felt like shit. After talking to my family and relatives, a team of mental professionals showed up at our home and asked me some questions about my trauma. After talking with the mental professionals, and LOOTTSSS of venting. I felt a lot of stress come off of me.

But…That doesn’t stop there. Even after some some emotional support, It would all come back to me like a boomerang just by getting jealous of others who are talented and gain more attention than me. One of my dreams is to become talented like them and show the world that I am just as talented as they are.

I would feel dehumanized by certain people, and sometimes those people would remove me from groups and unfollow me without me even knowing or without a given reason and possibly talking shit behind my back EVEN IF I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING WRONG TO THEM!

I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE THIS WORLD RIGHT NOW, I GENUINELY FEEL LIKE I AM SECRETLY HATED…AND POSSIBLY EVEN SHADOW BANNED ANYWHERE ONLINE.

But eh…WHATEVER…People come and go I guess…

I would feel like the entire world is against me. I see the entire world as a threat to me and I feel hurt by the evil people. I am genuinely SICK of people seeing me as an attention seeker when I literally vent about something that bothers EVEN IF ITS THE SMALLEST THING EVER! People would say “I aM So tiRED Of yOuR vEnTinG It’S getting oN My NeRvEs aNd OLd !1!1!1 🙄😒” or “YouR just aN aTTentiOn seeker who FaKes mEnTal diSorDers foR aTTentiOn, You're noT AuTistic, ADHD, or have PTSD aNd DePressiOn!1!1!1 🙄🙄🙄 😒😒🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️” or “It’S noT mY fAult yoUR suffering!1!!1 😒😒😒”

SORRY THAT I CAN’T HELP MY FUCKING EMOTIONS, MY MENTAL STATE, AND MY MENTAL DISORDERS. SORRY THAT I HAVE FUCKING EMOTIONS. SORRY THAT I AM AN ACTUAL FUCKING HUMAN BEING THAT IS TRYING TO LIVE LIFE. SORRY THAT I HAVE MENTAL DISORDERS THAT I CAN’T HELP. SORRY THAT I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!! THAT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU’RE SHITTY FUCKING PERSON AND DESERVE TO GO TO HELL FOR DEHUMANIZATION, ABLEST SHIT, AND ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR!!

I CAN’T FUCKING STAND GASLIGHTERS AND VICTIM BLAMERS WHO THINK THEY HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING WRONG!! WELL GUESS WHAT HERE’S A REALITY CHECK FOR YA! 😃

NOBODY HERE IS PERFECT AND NOBODY HERE IS A FUCKING SAINT! FUCKING WAKE UP!

WE…ARE…HUMAN!!!

YOU HEAR ME….

HUMAN!!!

I am SOOOOO ready to die right now, it’s not even fucking funny. I can’t help but feel like shit total shit for what I do. I would isolate myself from things that bother me and try to cope with them and learn how to deal with situations I am in. It’s VERY VERY HARD to control. I am always desperate for emotional support and need of comfort, but I just can't bring myself to trust people in this big wide world…

Sometimes I wish I had never been born…Never existed…maybe the entire world would be happy if I never existed…

If anything I rather be hated for being myself rather than just faking a smile and bottling up my emotions! I rather express my feelings and be myself and make innocent people happy and be their emotional support instead of people tossing my kindness and compliments in the trash like it is nothing. If you do toss my kindness and compliments in the trash, Then FUCK YOU!!

Say all mean Shit all you want, but I don’t care, you’re just wasting time harassing me and others anyway!!

To People who have done me wrong in life such as my bullies, my former computer middle school teacher, my ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, and others who harassed me online and treated me like shit….

FUCK YOU!! Just…FUCK YOU!! BURN IN HELL!! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!! STOP HARASSING ME AND MAKING ME FEEL MISERABLE. I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR BULLSHIT AND THE BAD TASTE THAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR MOUTH!! STAY OUT OF MY LIFE AND GO MOVE ON IN LIFE GOD DAMMIT!! STOP WASTING YOUR TIME ON HARASSING OTHERS AND MAKING OTHERS FEEL LIKE SHIT. YOU’RE BEING A PIECE OF SHIT!! WAKE UP AND REALIZED THE DAMAGE YOU CAUSED!!! I HOPE YOU REGRET IT FOR ETERNITY!!

I…HAVE…HAD…ENOUGH…

Ughh…That was the cringest, cheesiest, and most tough thing to vent about. Anyway, that’s enough venting I said what I needed to say.

To people who listened and read this post and ACTUALLY appreciate me.

Thank you VERY VERY much and I appreciate you for listening to me, really and truly. ❤️❤️❤️

Now for my announcement. I am currently going into therapy and of course, I am starting college soon. I am mostly going to be on Hiatus and very busy because I am going to be focused on my goals in life such as becoming a successful artist, animator, storyboard artist, graphic designer, and game developer. I am going to step away from social media and spend more time with my family as well. I am going to explore the world and meet new people along the way. I am going to make my dreams come true and spread my wings. I want to come out of my introverted shell.

But, yeah, now that you have read this post, Again…Thank you for listening and I appreciate your support very much. ❤️

Thank you and I’ll see you guys when I feel ready to come back, I promise! I love you all that support me! ❤️

Goodbye for now! 👋

-Sincerely, Nicole ❤️