#i've come a long way on my own body image issues since i was a teenager and miserable about it

[cthulhu-with-a-fez]

other people have probably already said this but like. it's been a shockingly nice experience to watch the dungeon meshi fandom go absolutely NUTS over falin. just this unbelievable wellspring of thirsty romantic eye for her, and not only is she chubby in canon, most of the fanart i've seen has skewed towards drawing her even chubbier? i... genuinely do not think i've ever seen that before. i don't think i've ever been in an anime fandom where someone both looks like me and is the subject of such enthusiastic adoration BECAUSE she's fat before.

it's... it's really nice.

[golvio]

So I've got...some complicated feelings about this. Some of them more analytical, some of them more personal. I get pretty long-winded when I think out loud about this guy, so I'm putting my thoughts behind a cut.

On the one hand, I definitely noticed that TotK's Ganondorf was more preoccupied with his appearance, not necessarily in a stereotypical "vain villain who never shuts up about how beautiful they are" or a "gym bro who spends more time checking himself out in the mirror than actually working out" sense, but in a "he's very conscious about the image he projects and wants to maintain careful control of how other people see him at all times" way. I'm glad I've got confirmation that I wasn't just seeing things. Also, that TotK discusses how he uses attractiveness to manipulate people, as implied with how he portrayed "Princess Zelda," had some really interesting implications about his life as the Gerudo king and his personality and skills in reading people that Nintendo never followed up on, because god forbid we give this character any recognizable traits that could inspire curiosity about who he is as a person or discussions about gender roles in ways that aren't "He pretends to be a cute little white girl because he's an Evil Degenerate."

On the other hand...it kind of contributes to the way I've been weirded out by how the game itself treated him and how certain fans treat him. The game itself made a lot of effort to dehumanize and un-person this man as a character even while making his human form visually appealing. The fans themselves are celebrating this a validation of their seeing him as a sex symbol, calling him "a bi icon" because both men and women are attracted to him, etc.

Like...there's all this discussion about Ganon's appearance and how sexy people find him, but not much consideration of what *he* might want, or how he feels, or what he's attracted to. I know that's kind of a goofy question to ask about a fictional character who can't really have opinions on things beyond what the writers give him, but...it's just kind of...objectifying?

For example, I don't take any issue with headcanons that Ganon might be bisexual, or at least enjoys the attention he gets from people of any gender, since I've got my own headcanons about him being queer, but I do get weirded out by the assumption that just because both men and women find him attractive that means he *must* reciprocate their desires and be bisexual. It's the same thing that weirds me out about fan art pre-release that portrayed him as this airheaded himbo jock because fans wanted to ogle his sexy body without having to deal with his intelligence, his anger, his negative qualities, or his potential dangerousness.

There's this tendency to objectify him in both the game, whether as a "monster" to slay to prove the player/Link's mettle as a hero, or as a trophy to symbolize Rauru's dominon over the frontier territories of his kingdom. And then there's a tendency to objectify him in fandom, presenting him as a pinup devoid of his original personality, or trying to shape him into a "good Ganondorf" that the fans would actually like to be friends with by sanding off all his sharp edges so they can access his body, which they find beautiful, without having to deal with the parts that might complicate that or that they'd dislike.

Fandom as a whole seems to have a blind spot when it comes to the objectification of masculine characters, particularly because it's like, "Oh, BOYS can't be objectified! Only pretty (white) ladies can get objectified!" Nevermind that objectification is a phenomenon that's super commonly done to nonwhite men in tandem with the more overt and violent dehumanization that comes with racism, especially men with darker skin. And there doesn't seem to be much of an interest in exploring what that might mean for Ganondorf as a character, whether just as discussing double-consciousnesses and exploiting expectations to manipulate people, or to explore how being treated like a piece of meat or a pretty ornament who exists only for other people's pleasure can really warp a person.

I guess...this is something I've been thinking about since playing Slay the Princess, which asks a lot of questions about objectification, how people's complexity can be dismissed and ignored when they're shoved into the Love Interest archetype, and how being limited in this way in the eyes of others can seriously hurt and warp someone even if it's being done in the "nicest," most paternalistic and "benevolent" way possible. It presents the core relationship as being a fundamentally unequal power balance; no matter how fearsome and terrifying the imprisoned party becomes, she is always at your mercy, she lives and dies based on the choices you make, and the "nicer" routes are potentially just her saying what she knows you want to hear and auditioning for your sympathy because like it or not you're her warden. It also forces you to ask yourself what makes you come to love somebody, and to consider the possibility of loving somebody while also acknowledging their thorny, messy, contradictory, and dangerous parts. I wish I could see more works considering this for Ganon, as opposed to regurgitating tired old "Destroy This Mad Brute" tropes or turning him into a "safe," palatable, easy-to-digest love interest.

[emojellyace08]

Lookism Men x Reader (When their partner is insecure PART 1)

Genre: angst🥀 and fluff☁️ (comfort post) Warnings: mentions of insecurities/body image, poverty, social anxiety, panic attacks, overall a bit triggering reader is gender neutral (and is in an established relationship with the character of choice :)

Daniel Park (Park Hyung Seok)

If you're insecure about your body image (feeling too fat or too thin or overall feeling not looking "attractive"), he'll be able to empathize with you a lot since he has troubles with his appearance too.

Daniel will be super supportive of you. He knows how it feels to be thrown to the side all the time and be alone with the mix of loneliness also drives him crazy.

He's really good with comforting you. I think it depends on how you want it to be more okay. If you want space and time for yourself, he won't hesitate to give you some alone time. Though he'll make sure that you're eating and sleeping well. But if you want to be cuddled he has no problem with it either. He just wants to see you happy and he'll do anything to make you feel better.

Daniel would worry a lot if you start having a panic attack. He'll get you a glass of water and he'll rub your back and will tell you to take deep breaths so you'll calm down. Daniel will also ask why you're feeling down today and the moment you break down he'll be hugging you and listen to you when you started opening up to him.

He'll also shower you with lots of genuine compliments. If you think that your body looks ugly, he'll hug you from behind and whisper to your ear how beautiful/handsome you are (with your consent of course). "Y/N please don't hate on yourself, you're the most pretty girl/boy I've met. You're also very kind, talented, and helpful. Cheer up." He'll also help you have a healthy lifestyle if you asked him to (like the way Vasco trained him). Exercising and helping you out on your diet will help you boost your confidence like he did so trust him when it comes to things like this (he won't be too rushed and hard on you though unlike Gun).

And if you're feeling unsocial type and drained from socializing because of fearing rejection and you have trust issues (y'know Asa Mitaka vibes), he would also encourage you to meet other people as long as you're okay with it. He also wants to see you form other platonic relationships other than him as your boyfriend and build more beautiful connections with other people. He has been through this before and he overcame it, so will you because he believes in you.

And if you're feeling insecure about your social status he can highly relate to you too. But he'll make you remember that he's always there for you despite him being financially broke too. But if its the Workers timeline, he'll be willing to lend you some money for your own expenses since Steve Hong also spoils him a lot (just don't use for money he'll get turned off by it).

Daniel is overall one of the most empathetic Lookism characters, so as your boyfriend he's making sure that your insecurities and problems will be heard out and he's willing to listen to your side and give you the best advices he can give as possible.

Zack Lee (Lee Jin Sung)

Zack will be the panicked and worried boyfriend type.

If you're feeling worthless and a loser, he'll also shower you lots and lots and lots of compliments and reassurance that you're not what you think you are. He also knows how it feels. He'll also hug you and kiss your head when you're breaking down as he will try to stop the tears threatening to fall down on his face. He hates it seeing you like this. "Y/N, you're not a loser. Even if you think you are, you'll always be my number 1". Trust me he's your number one fan. Everything you do is so fascinating to him (as long as it's not scandalous and too embarrassing).

Like I know, his compliments may sound cheesy and pitiful but trust me, he means it from the bottom of his heart. He's honest most of the times and no way he's lying to you especially when you're the type to have trust issues.

If you're feeling insecure about your body, Zack will also reassure you that you're beautiful. He'll help you out when you have trouble with your eating lifestyle (I tend to overeat a lot). If you're the type to binge eat when you're stressed, he'll take away all the junk food from the cabinet and fridge. This may cause an argument between the two of you but trust me, he's just helping you out so hear him out with his point (it's not like he hates your chubby body but he doesn't want to be super over weight since it can cause lots of health problems).

And if you're scared of eating, he'll encourage you to because starving yourself won't help and it can make your condition worst. Zack will encourage you to eat healthy foods since he's worried about you getting underweight since it can be really unhealthy too. He may not experience having trouble with his eating lifestyle, but he's willing to help you out as possible since he wants to see you having a long and happy life :).

If you started having a panic attack Zack will panic too. He doesn't know what to do when you started having an episode but he'll try his best to comfort you. He'll grab your favorite snack and he'll help you ease your breathing. He'll also listen to your thoughts that has been bothering you for a while. It will actually surprise you when he started giving you advices but trust me, he's good with it (he's also highly empathetic).

Zack will also wonder why you're insecure about you not having any money. Like he's not judging you he also gets frustrated when he can't buy the things he want to buy. But he'll make you feel emotionally satisfied with his love so won't feel insecure about yourself anymore. He'll also treat you a lot on dates to make you feel special, but don't use him for money though it will backfire at you when he finds out that you're just using him for cash.

And if you're scared of socializing, he'll stay by your side all the time. He hates you feeling vulnerable and insecure about yourself. So he'll shower you lots of compliments about how pretty and nice you are. He'll also tell anyone to be kind and gentle with you. And he'll beat the shit out of everyone whoever tries to mess with you. (He's one of the best boyfriends to have in the Lookism Verse).

Vasco (Lee Eun Tae)

Another one who will be super concerned about your mental and physical being all the time (in a good way of course).

Vasco has always believed that everybody is born equally beautiful/handsome. And if you're feeling left out because of your looks he will not hesitate to comfort you since he's also highly empathetic. He'll also talk about a plan with Jace and other Burn Knuckles members on how to make you happy like surprising you with random parties just to make you feel better (he's so innocent lmao).

When it comes to comfort, Vasco would hug and compliment you all the time even when you're not feeling down. Though he'll be more clingy when you started showing signs of exhaustion (mentally). It may surprise you but he'll hug you and touch you with gentleness and care like you're a fragile glass that needs to be properly taken care of. He'll also whisper words of encouragement while kissing your head and ruffling your hair. "Y/N why are you upset? Do you wanna cuddle?"

If you're insecure about your body, he'll help you out find the reason why to. Because in his eyes you're perfect. But if you feel like you're fat or too slim he'll help you out to change your lifestyle. You and Vasco will have morning exercises (though he'll make sure that he won't push you too much) and he'll make sure that you're eating well all the time until you're confident about yourself.

He's also a pretty good listener despite him being a bit clueless sometimes. He would listen to your rambles about what's making you upset and he would unexpectedly cry out when you started opening up since he's also highly empathetic. He may not be the best advice giver on the bunch but he'll try his best to help you out.

Vasco will also panic and he'll get scared when you have a panic attack. He would call Jace for help even when you're against it since he wants to help you out as possible. They will help you ease your breathing and they will listen to your problems (and they won't spill the tea because they respect you. A promise is a promise.)

He'll also spoil you a lot with lots of choco-banana milk when you're feeling down because you get teased about being broke. He would listen to your rambles about not having any money and he'll even lend you some which can make you feel guilty since he made the money for himself and his hard work. But trust me Vasco will give it to you out of pure affection (just don't abuse it too much though he'll feel used when you asked ridiculous high amount of money).

Vasco will also be curious about the way you think when you don't want to socialize. He personally finds it enjoyable because he's able to meet different kinds of people. Though he will respect your wishes if you don't want to. But he's still willing to listen to you when you tell the reasons why you don't want to make friends if it's because of you being scared about what others think of you. Though he'll make sure you'll attend his birthday parties!

Jay Hong (Hong Jae Yol)

I don't know how many times I'll say this but he's also highly empathetic despite him not saying a word. He's also a pretty good listener (Istg they're the most emotionally well in the Lookism Verse despite them having their own issues).

Jay would spoil the hell out of you like buying your favorite things and comfort stuff so just you would feel better. He'll also cuddle with you and he'll place his head on your shoulder while hugging you from behind when you're emotionally not feeling well.

His comfort will make your mind at ease. If you're feeling self conscious about your body you can see him frowning when you don't want to look yourself on the mirror. He views you as beautiful/handsome. Like why the hell are you insecure about?

But if it's because you're feeling too fat/too skinny, he'll also help you out on your diet. He'll help you on your exercise, balance out your food intake and he'll make sure you'll sleep well. He wants to see your progress as a physically and mentally healthy individual and he won't hesitate to help you out especially when you need it.

Jay will be in a state of shock when you started having an anxiety attack. You're both in panic but Jay will try his best to ease you and help you get back on your normal state. He'll also get a glass of water if you need it and he'll also help you get back your normal breathing. He'll also ask for his assistant's help.

He's willing to listen to your problems because he knows that bottling them deep inside can make your mental state worst. So please don't be shy to open up to him because he'll shower you with lots of genuine affection. He may not be the best in verbal expression, but he'll make up with physical affection like kissing your cheek and stroking your hair while you try to sleep. He'll also leave short letter of encouragement so you'll be back in your goofball and happy energy again :).

He'll also spoil you a lot with fancy gifts like expensive clothing and dinner dates. Though he'll feel used and pissed off if you're just using him for money. He knows you're troubling with your finance he wants to be there for you a lot. But he can't help but to be upset when you're just cash grabbing him.

And if you're troubling with your social life, don't worry Jay can relate to. He's willing to listen to your rambles with your reasons why you can't seem to have the confidence to talk to anybody he's willing to be your friend (and as the relationship progresses he might even catch feelings for you and he'll be happy if you don't mind being a couple). Jay would always be available to be on your side and he'll be listening to you a lot.

[ajvocals43]

Mine

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Plus Size!Reader

Word Count: 1058 

Warnings: Slight swearing, slight smuttiness (if you squint), bad writing probably, body image issues

A/n: Another birthday fic I wrote for the wonderful Dean Winchester. Also can be read as a prequel to the fic I wrote last year: Birthday 

 "Up." 

 "No.” He gave me a look that I knew to cut off, “Dean, remember my thing about sitting on things that aren't made for sitting on?" 

 "It's a metal counter top. I promise there is no chance of you breaking it." And then he took matters into his own hands and lifted me onto the island himself. I had tried not to but I couldn't help the sound that came out of me at the feeling of being picked up. I knew he was strong but I didn't expect that. 

 "Dean are you-" 

 He didn't let me finish. "Y/n, I already told you. Your gorgeous body is not nor has it ever been ‘too heavy’. I would tell you if it were different, okay?" 

 “No, you wouldn't.” I protested, “I don't get this way for no reason, I'm big, I know that. I-” 

 He knew me well enough that he already knew where I was going with this. “Yeah. Big… beautiful… and mine.” He pulled me into him before saying, “I'll tell you as many times as you need to hear it, there is nothing about you that doesn't make me crazy about you. There's a reason that you are the longest relationship I've ever had. You and Sam are my everything. I wouldn't trade either of you for the world. Don't ever doubt that. Now sit there and let me feed you cake because it’s my birthday and I feel like feeding my gorgeous girlfriend.” 

 And that was all he wanted to say apparently because the next thing I knew, there was a piece of cake on a fork in front of my face. I didn't fight my smile, opening my mouth anyway to let him feed me. And I wouldn't lie, that cake was amazing. Some kind of mix of chocolate and vanilla that melted on the tongue and I couldn't help the moan that escaped at the taste. 

When my eyes finally opened again, (though I'm not sure when they closed) I found Dean with heat in his eyes. Even after how long we’d been together, I was surprised that I could be the cause of that look from him. 

 “Shouldn’t I be the one feeding you because it’s your birthday?” I was scrambling for a subject change. There was too much to do between the pie in the oven and the party waiting to be put together in the next room. I didn't have time to act on his look, no matter how much I wanted to. 

 He shrugged before saying “You know me well enough that I wouldn't eat it, as close as Sam seems to think it is. Especially since you made me a pie that is currently in the oven.” He leaned in to seal his lips to mine in a soft kiss that made my heart flutter with its sweetness. 

 It was then that the timer on my phone went off for me to pull said pie out of the oven. When I straightened from the oven, placing the pie on top of a hot pad, Dean came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist. “That smells delicious.” he groaned, “My favorite kind of present.” 

 “Well that's good, considering the other one.” I mumbled. 

 “What’s that supposed to mean?” Dean asked. Shit, did I say that out loud? “Y/n? What's wrong?” 

 “Okay so you do have a present from me, but I got it impulsively and I thought it was a good idea but now I'm not so sure…” I tried to pull away but he wouldn't let me. 

 “Sweetheart, what is it?” He seemed concerned. I felt the heat creep up my neck as I tried to find a way to explain the nonsense that had come out of my mouth. 

 I didn't end up saying anything. Instead, I took his hand that had been stroking my hip underneath my shirt and moved it up to the lace that covered my breast. 

 He groaned. “I stand corrected. Happy birthday to me.” he murmured in my ear. A shiver ran down my spine at the tone of his voice. That heat was back. His lips started placing slow kisses along my neck, his hands roamed my body, feeling the lace and killing my brain cells. Specifically the ones that would keep me from letting this go further. It took all the strength I had to fight off my arousal and Dean. 

 “No. Not now.” I said softly. 

 “What’s wrong?” it was like a switch had flipped. In an instant all the heat was gone, replaced by confusion and worry. 

 “I don't have time. I have to go to the store, remember?” I tried to pull out of his arms again to no avail. 

 “To hell with the store.” he nuzzled his face back into the crook of my neck. 

 “No, remember? I have to go get the stuff for burgers. Isn't that what you wanted for your birthday dinner?” 

 “But you take forever when you go to the store.” he groaned and I laughed both at the tickling sensation and at his attitude. 

 “Unless you want to go, I have to.” I told him, hoping he’d take the bait so that I could call Sam and the gang in to help set up the surprise party I had planned for tonight. His arms disappeared from my waist and he was walking over to the table to grab his coat and keys. “Where are you going?” 

 “To the store,” he said plainly. “I'll be back in half an hour.” 

 “You're ridiculous.” I said, shaking my head. I hoped he believed my acting skills because otherwise I was screwed and this surprise was ruined. Luckily, he hadnt seemed to notice anything and with a quick kiss to my lips, went down the hall towards the garage. 

 And then he scared the shit out of me when he popped his head back in the kitchen saying, “Don't think I’ve forgotten about my present.” I had to laugh as I ran to catch up and walk him to his car (to make sure he got there this time). I waited until I couldn't see his car in the garage anymore before I texted Sam. 

We’re a go

 To which I got the response: 

You're lucky he’s in love with you. 

Masterlist 

[beanghostprincess]

TW for chronic illnesses and body image issues/disphoria and infertility for some headcanons.

Lamikkaku anon here, I wanted to share some headcanons and thoughts about modern AU Lamikkaku because I think I've just come up with the most precious thing ever.

So, I think modern AU Lami would be cronically ill/have some health problems. (I was thinking about her being a survivor to childhood lung cancer that was caused by long term exposure to asbestos, since the Amber Lead Deasease seemed like it was referencing that. And therefore having long term health problems due to treatment)

It would affect her breathing and heart (cue Law deciding to become a cardiosurgeon to help people with similar problems) but also her body and personality as well. The steroids based treatments made her gain weight that she hardly lost, she has scars from various surgeries, and she became an introvert that struggles to meet new people. She feels guilty that she always made her parents worry and made Law miss out on many childhood experiences too, as he hardly saw his parents who were caretaking his sister and was mostly looked after by their godfather Corasan.

Cue my transfemm Ikkaku headcanon. She also struggles with acceptance and body immage issues, worrying about her appearence and not being "feminine enough", as well as some anger issues she develoeped due to tauning from others. I think she may also have issues with her family due to this. It contribuited in her being somewhat "hostile" when trying to meet new people and trusting them.

They met because of Law. Lami doesn't have many friends of her own so she hangs out in his friend group and meets Ikkaku. Its sorta of a love at first sight. Lami looks at Ikkaku and views her basically has a goddess: one with a flawless body, untouched by medical horrors, a sassy and sarcastic personality that sports a level of confidence that she can never have. And Ikkaku sees Lami as an angel: a kind, gentle person with such soft, and a heart of gold thats completely pure, cute ligneaments and a caring and amazing family that loves and supports her.

They start talking and getting close, opening up more to eachother, about their insecurities and fears. The topic of dating eventually comes up and both are very catious about it: Lami isn't sure about what she can give, her health problems are something she always saw as a burden, and she doesn't want to give this burden to anyone else. And Ikkaku thinks she would be awful for Lami, after all Lami is such a nice and kind person, Ikkaku considers herself far too brute to be good for her.

There is also another added thing... Lami can't have children. The treatment made her sterile, and its something she always knew but only really started grieving now. Part of her thinks this makes her an inadequate partner, a not good enough girlfriend (Bullshit, Lami is perfect and you know it) and Ikkaku also had mixed feelings about her own body functions, with transphobes harrassing her and saying shit like "ReAl WoMeN CaN GiVe BiRtH!!!" (Bullshit, I fucking hate this terf behaviour).

The two of them understand eachother deeply due to these things about themselves. Ikkaku never saw Lami's health as an obstacke, it just something that is part of her and makes her unique, and Lami doesn't give a shit about Ikkaku being trans, she loves her because of her personality and the way she is treated by her.

Eventually they do manage to start dating. Its a gradual process, but it doesn't matter because they have their love. They also protest and advocate for themselves, weather its trans/queer rights or better funding and medical treatments (insurance is a SCAM) and marriage equality in both cases.

Law couldn't be happier for her (he doesn't show it at all but he cries of happyness in a corner at least 5 times a day. Bepo calms him down) he also goes on double dates with them and [insert character you ship Law with].

And occasionally there are double dates with Penguin and Shachi as well (Penshachi and transmasc Penguin my beloved) but they have to be very carefull because if they mess something up Law will come after them with a weapon of mass destruction.

And Cora is so proud of them!!! His little girl finally finding confidence, loving her own skin, advocating for herself and all with the love of her life by her side. This man is so goddam happy you wont believe it!!! He gives Ikkaku his full blessing and some older transfolk advice (transmasc Corasan my beloved) he is already picturing their wedding, and he's crying about it. Someone get this man a tissue, or a blanket.

This is all so beautiful!! I've always loved Modern AUs but this one is especially soft. I love how they both have their own issues feeling loved but end up overcoming them together,,, Also, Cora would be the best father-in-law ever in the world. He's so. So happy. He loves Ikkaku so damn much-- And I think Law is concerned at first because he loves and trusts his friends a lot but whenever Lami and Ikkaku go on dates. Together. Alone. Law worries a lot in case something might happen. But Ikkaku is a sweetie with Lami and when Law realizes that everything is okay and the world isn't ending and nobody is dying he cries because he's just so so so relieved.

[rosslynchsslut]

Bella Hadid Who?

Summary: Reader gets new piercings and Matt loves them...

A/N: basically a self insert, cause I just got my nipples pierced. If y'all like this let me know if you want a Chris ver. Love yall!

Warnings: make out sesh, rough sex, P in V, nipple piercings ,mention of body image issues, mattitude!!!!, spanking, etc etc etc., pet names

Driving home from my appointment, I felt butterflies dancing in the pit of my stomach. I just got my nipples pierced, something I've been wanting to do since my junior year of high-school. It hurt a lot less than I thought it would, and I love the way they looked. My only real concern was how my boyfriend, Matt would feel about them. He knew I loved to get piercings and tattoos, but always where he could see usually. These were discreet, but I had an underlying feelings they would be really sexy to him (or maybe it was just wishful thinking).

For the next 5-8 weeks, I only wore super baggy shirts like hoodies, sweatshirts and tees triple my size to avoid my piercings possibly being shown through my shirt (which was another reason why I wanted them though). Matt definetely noticed something was up the third time I denied him for sex, and the fourth time around he confronted me.

"Babe, it's been a week and a half since I've last been inside of you and it's really starting to piss me off." I was in the kitchen making a snack when he brought the topic up. When I shurgged instead of giving him an answer, he groaned and sat on the counter top. "And don't think I haven't noticed the style change." He added, his attitude extremely prominent as he eyed holes in the back of my head.

"What? You don't like it?" I said blandly. I was basically speechless and didn't know how to drop the subject without spoiling the suprise. There was a long, almost awkward silence until Matt spoke up again.

"Kid, are you worried about you gaining weight?" I halted my movements to avoid from laughing because he was extremely off, but he took that as a yes and immediately attached himself to my back. "Baby~ you don't have to worry about that. Y'know I love you, don't you?" He whined, god he was so cute. He began to press open-mouth kisses to my neck and not-so-subtly grinding himself against my ass. He was horny and wanted to assure me of his 'ever-lasting love' so I ended up sucking him off and refused to go any further. I wanted to stay strong and really spring it on him. I also wanted to avoid infection and wait until they were fully healed until he went on licking all over them. And... I guess deep down I was insecure and worried about how he would feel about my decision. What if he really hated them?

2 months sexless is just another word for brutal torture. I was horny all the time and forced to get off on only my own fingers which were never enough after I met Matt. And since he med me, his hand had never been enough for himself. He was bricked up basically every other day if not everyday and I could feel the sexual tension going strong. He had been really abrupt and chaste with me because how many times I turned him down, he eventually stopped asking. This morning, he and his brothers had a meeting and he didn't even kiss me goodbye.

"No kiss, Matty?" The whine that fell from my mouth almost made him come back and kiss my lips. Almost. He shrugged, said 'love you' in a low tone and left our apartment. I almost felt betrayed, pissed off and horny. It was the day. The day where I would wear my tightest, thinnest shirt without and bra. So, I went upstairs and let my fun begin. I did my hair and makeup and oiled up my tattoos so they looked fresh, smiling at myself in the mirror knowing that both would be absolutely ruined by the end of the night. I slipped on a white cami top and Matt's sweatpants and gave myself a finally once over. I looked good, honestly and I had a new confidence with the new piercings added to the collection. I spent the next few hours dancing around the house with music blasting, anticipating Matt's return.

Matt got home pretty late and I had gotten in bed, sure he was probably staying the night with his brothers. He seemed pissed at me anyways. The door swung open and slammed closed and heavy footsteps could be heard walking from the living room to the kitchen and back again. I slowly got out of bed and came downstairs to say hi and hopefully grab his attention with my new addition to my body.

"Hey matty," I said walking into the room and finding him on the couch eyes trained on his phone. He picked his head up and looked at me, and smiled. My piercings from a dark distance looked like nipples I guess and he took away from that it was time to get it on.

"Heyyy, baby." His arms reached for me and I took the offering. I sat on his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck pecking his lips once, twice. "Missed you," Matt mumbled and reattached his lips to mine for a few seconds before kissing around my face. I giggled at the sensation, his small scruff tickling my skin. His lips moved down to my neck, and I just let him tilting my head back allowing him better access. The nips and licks he gave to my neck pulled soft noises from my throat and I ground my hips against his, seeking the friction we both lacked for the past months. His hips bucked up into mine, a groan of "Oh fuck, oh f-fuck" leaving his lips against my neck. Matt griped onto my hips and ground me against his crotch harder both of us whining.

"Matt please just fuck me," I whisper as my head falls back, the friction of his jeans brushing my clit in a delicious way. He scoffs at my request and rolls his hips up causing me to moan again.

"You're fucking pathetic, begging me to fuck you when all you've done is fucking tell me no." He rolls his hips and smirks that I am unable to speak. "You gonna cum by sitting on my lap, baby? Huh?" I nod and grind my hips, because Matt stops his movements. His hand tighten on my hips to stop my actions. A whine falls from my lips and I bury my fave into the crook of Matt's neck.

"Matt, please don't stop. I need you."

A cruel laugh slips out of his pretty pink lips. "Oh you need me?" His hands rub and down my sides lulling me into a false sense of security and comfort. He leans forward and his lips kiss the space behind my ear sending shivers down my spine. I whisper a "please" and I can feel the smirk on his lips. "Oh babe, you'll have to earn it." He takes me off of him and holds my hand tight. Leading me upstairs, I feel a pit in my stomach of pure anticipation. He pulls me into our bedroom and motions me towards the bed, and I sit obediently. "No, no. Turn over, lay on your stomach pretty girl." His voice is dripping in honey and his eyes are so soft so I turn to lay on my stomach, laying my cheek on the soft texture of blanket beneath me. He walks up behind me and runs his warm hands over my ass and up my back repeatedly. I close my eyes and enjoy the touch until he roughly yanks my pants AND .y underwear down to my ankles. I gasp as the air hits my bare ass and Matt hushes me. "Its okay, baby." His hands run over my ass and back again, his hands are warm but he wears a ring on almost every finger and they are cold as ice.

"Matty, your rings are cold babe." I warn him and there it is again. The cruel laugh tearing through his throat.

"M'sorry baby," he whispers before his hand comes down hard across my left ass cheek. The added feeling of his rings give an even more delicious sting and it already feels like too much. But we both love it. He brings his hand down again.

"Ah! Fuck" I cry out in a fine line between pleasure and pain. He sucks air through his teeth and rubs my ass, where I knew there was a large red imprint of his lovely hand.

"I'd continue you're punishment but I miss you so much, pretty girl. Turn over." His voice is less silly sweet, but now demanding. I hesitate and he grabs my wrist and flips me over immediately. "What did so fucking say?" He's not yelling (because he knows I hate that) but his voice has a sharp edge, deadly and shouldn't be played with.

"M'sorry, Daddy." I whisper. He moves his face closer to mine and I study him. Pupils blown wide with lust, the blue is nearly gone. His lips pink and wet, cheeks hot and burning and jaw ticking with annoyance.

"Fuck yeah you are, pretty girl." He presses his mouth against mine and is immediately dominating the kiss with tongue and teeth. His lovely hands wander up and down my body, squeezing my thighs and sneaking up the thin material of my shirt to toy with my boobs. His actions fall to a painful stop, and I wince mentally. Fuck. He's breathing heavily into my mouth and his hands are stuck on my breasts, unmoving. Matt completely detached himself from me and sits back on his heels as he demands me to take off my shirt. I slowly peel my shirt over my head, body but ing and hands shaking. Fuck fuck fuck. I watch Matt's mouth open to an 'O' shape as his blue eyes scan the expanse of my chest. And he does the unexpected, his dark eyes look up at me and he attaches himself to my left breast, hand fleeing to my right to massage it. A loud moan slips past my lips and I throw my head back.

"Ahh, fuck-" I cut myself off with a whine as I feel his teeth nibble at my bud and the metal pierced through it. He release his mouth with a pop and smirks at me.

"I like these, baby." He whispers, fingers toying with my piercings lightly tugging. I mumbled a good and he pushes me back onto the mattress. He slowly but surely kisses his way up from my navel to my face colliding our lips in a other lustful kiss. He moaned into my mouth when I brought my hand down to touch his clothed dick scratching over it lightly.

"Take these off, M. I need you," my voice dripped in arousal to match my sopping core. I gave him my best 'fuck me' eyes as he removed the confines of his dick and I removed my skimpy panties. I laid with my legs spread, propped on my elbows my dripping pussy on full display for him.

"God look at you spread open for me like the best girl." He leans down to press a kiss to my womanhood and I arch my back and release a dirty moan. "Fuck,my good girl." Matt mumbles as he licks a stripe up my pussy and nips at my clit. I throw my head back as Matt continues to tease my entrance with his pretty pink tongue. As much as I enjoy the foreplay, I really NEED Matt and his beautiful dick. He needs to be 6 feet inside. I kick his shoulder and he stops and glances up arms with a small pout on his face.

"Just fuck me Matt," I say before adding teasing words, "Or did you forget how to,baby?" Added the right amount of fuel to his fire, he licks my pussy one final time and crawls up to kiss my lips so I can taste myself on him. I moan into his mouth, encouraging him to keep going. Just fuck me already! Matt pulls away from my mouth to look down at where our two bodies will meet. He pumps himself a couple times and his pink tip is at my drooling hole. "Put it innnn" I cry out as his rubs himself up and down my pussy. He smiles at my impatience which would usually lead to terrible consequences for me but he needs this too much. Like me. So he slides in finally, pornographic and breathy moans leaving both of us. He pauses, halfway in as I unintentionally flutter around him. Its too good, and its been too long. He buddies his face in the side of my neck and bottoms out. Finally I'm full of his lovely cock. He's panting into my neck and I'm moaning at the feeling of his cock already so deep in me. "Move, Matty. Please." It came out as the quietest whisper but he heard me and he pulled his hips back.tip barely even in me before slamming full into me again. We both cry loudly in unison at this almost foreign and forgotten feeling.

"Fuck, baby, fuck fuck fuck fuck," Matt's practically screaming as he drills his cock deep into me, brushing my cervix in the best way. I wrap my legs around his to feel him deeper. "Yes," he pants out

"Baby, fuck harder please please please AHH F-FUCK!" I'm barely able to get the request out before Matt has me on my knees, fucking into me doggy style hitting an unbelievably good spot inside of my spongy walls. Matt has a white-knuckle grip on the headboard and his other arms comes around to play with my nipples. I throw my head back against his shoulder, mouth open and practically drooling over his dick fucking me so well.

"God, baby, I'm close. Mmmm, fuuuuuck I'm close. I wanna cu.." His words trail into a whine as I squeeze around him sucking him in as I slam my hips back onto him. I was already close too, but I wanted him to come first. I tore my body away from my boyfriends and whisper into his ear

"Lemme ride you daddy." Hit is moan was boarding porn star as he laid on his back and reached out for me. It was my turn to grab onto the headboard as I sunk impaling myself onto his big, hard, veiny dick that was soaked in our arousals. We both threw our heads back as I began to grind myself on his dick and then I began to bounce ANF I almost blacked out at the feeling. "Oooh fu- Oh Matty" I cried bouncing faster and faster chasing both of our releases. His eyes were trained on how my tits moved above him, metal glistening in the nipples he loved so much.

"You're so sexy, Y/N/N, baby I'm gonna cum fu-fuck I'm gonna cum so ha-baby!" Mat couldn't get a straight sentence out as I began to squeeze onto slamming myself down hard and faster. His hands flew to my head and gripped onto my hair. "Fucck, oh god please please" he whisper incoherently hips bucking up and eyes rolling back "Oh fucking goooood, babe AH Ah AHh AHH Fuck!" He cried out, releasing his warm seed into my pussy triggering my own release. I threw my head back and moaned, the sinful sound ringing in Matts ears as he panted hard, whining from the overestimulation from his girlfriend still bouncing on his soft cock. One last moan from me and I lay myself down on his chest lifting my hips. Matt's cock fell from my sore pussy. He turned his head to me and smiled and I repaid the smile. He pinched my nipple and smiles. "Definitely worth it." He laughs out breathlessly.

"Good," I smile and leave a kiss on his lips before standing on shaky legs. "We need to clean up." I sigh and he's reattached to me hugging me tight from behind, already hardening cock poking me from behind.

"Lets go, I wanna see how those pretty pierced tits looks wet."

[jeffwingxr]

omg i would love some fic recs for jeff and his IssuesTM

since they're all about jeff winger and his issues there are different potential triggers written in - so be sure you're taking care of yourself by checking tags and avoiding anything that would be harmful.

also, many of these are in multiple parts that extend the stories- so i would recommend double-checking when you read in case there's more you're missing out on lol

these all range over different ships/no ships at all (there is no jeff/annie though bc i personally don't ship it or read it)

-----------------------

okay here we go:

we'll start off with two of my absolute favorite jeff winger has issues series- Jeff Winger Is Bipolar and Therapy by @1mechanicalalligator. very, very highly recommend. the author is also my favorite community fic writer, so a lot of these on this list will be their works because they're genuinely so good.

Topics in Romance and Recovery- this is another incredible series by onemechanicalalligator - it is Abed focused, but part 7 is about Jeff and makes sense on its own if you were looking for just jeff-focused stuff

Introduction to Breaking Down Walls - jeff and his eating disorder!

Of Recklessness and Water. - short but so good. is about jeff opening up to abed about his ed

Corpus Delicti - jeff has major trauma from his lawyer career

I Can't Do This All On My Own- i love this series SO MUCH. it's literally so good. focused around jeff's ed struggles. it's by another one of my top fav community fic writers, anemicaxolotl

Batman Saves Rachel Dawes - this is a cute abed being a good friend to jeff and helping him talk out his depression. it's short but good.

Psychology of Getting Hurt - this is in a series that's pretty good. the next link below is part 4 of it and it's one of my favorites ever

Introduction to Coping Mechanisms and Supporting Friends - fairly long fic, focuses around jeff's alcoholism.

Image - the first part of this series is about jeff's self-image issues and part 2 focuses on dean pelton's near-constant sexual harassment of jeff and jeff growing to realize he deserves better. it's not anti-dean pelton or anything so don't worry about that. very well-written, def recommend.

Introduction to New Beginnings - these revolve around jeff's trauma and him in quarantine. i like the first two works in the series. have not read the last one yet.

Studies In Integrated Dysfunction Theory- this is a series: they're both pretty short but the first part is one of my fav shorter fics.

Basic Modern Asexuality - jeff struggles with coming to terms with being asexual- various mentions of his issues and stuff

Trespassing and Shower Studies - abed's psychoanalysis of jeff. short and beautiful.

Cooperative Independent Studies- a series. so good, so so good.

Use Somebody- introspect into depressed jeff

Principles of Holding On And Letting Go (In Theory and Practice)- alcoholism/withdrawal/etc

Interdimensional Lizards- jeff's issues with alcohol and jabed one bed trope

Round-Table Therapy Sessions - panic attacks, ed, functioning alcoholism, etc

Parallel Anxiety 101 - anxiety, body issues, jeff opening up in therapy, etc. i've reread this one a lot. i'm pretty sure i've put a few of jabedalien's (@jabedalien) fics in here already so far, they're another one of my absolute favorite community writers.

Independent Study: Dalliance and Despondency- occurs post-series finale. jeff loses himself.

Seminar on Inherited Dysfunction- a better ending to basic rv repair and palmistry. daddy issues and alcoholism

Advanced Friendship- post 5x11 (when jeff's in the hospital after his suicide attempt)

Advanced Psychology Analysis- psychoanalysis of jeff and abed and the way they relate to each other (from jeff's pov)

Cuts At The Skin and It's Sinking In (how deep it goes)- jeff goes to AA, alcoholism, withdrawal

Intersections of Grief and Guilt- jeff deals with childhood trauma, grief, etc

Advanced Despair- alcoholism, short

Botched Ventures and Adverse Alimentary Comportment - takes place after 5x11, heavy themes of suicide and eds.

Intro to Neurodiversity- idk how to explain this one but it's a lot. it's jabed and cute and also dark and heavy.

Try Explaining a Life Bundled With Episodes of This- deals with sh, touches on alcoholism

A Catalog of Non-Definitive Acts - the plot twist in this one takes me out every single time

The Jeff and Abed Pilot - involves talk about suicide/mental health. is post-series finale and is about them going on a road trip together- i always yearn for more roadtrip jeff and abed content after i read this one tbh.

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hope this helped some of you find some enjoyable fics! i'm sure there are more jeff winger has issues fics written about jeff's mental health (mostly based off canon), but these are ones i've read and enjoyed. they're all good quality - wouldn't recommend if they weren't lol :)

these are all from ao3, i haven't really explored any other fanfiction sites besides ao3 and wattpad but the latter doesn't have anything on this topic as far as i know. if anyone has any recommendations that aren't on this list let me know!! i'm always looking for more to read :)

and finally, once again, these are all varying levels of deep/dark topics that deal with a range of mental health topics. please check the tags on the fics themselves before reading to make sure it wouldn't do you more harm than good to read :)

[iris-jaxx665]

Re: weight loss

At the justifiable risk of offense, because no one needs to be commenting on anyone else's body... I've been worried that including your weight and temp with your potd posts was related to weight loss.

Worried because that kind of monitoring can so very easily lead to other very destructive and maladaptive behaviors.

Your body is yours to do with what you want, but I'm hoping I can reassure you that unless there's some underlying medical condition that's making your weight dangerous, you seem absolutely fine. Even if you gain more weight, having fat on your body is not inherently unhealthy.

The whole weight loss industry... I could rant for hours. And hours more about how the medical industry supports it. How BMI is an inherently problematic metric, made worse by being decontextualized and applied in ways it was not designed for. How calory counting and the whole concept of specific calories per day is just whole cloth made up with no medical basis. I could just rant for days, but this isn't the time or place...

So if I may ask, from a genuine place of concern, does this come from a body image issue? Some sort of dysmorphia? Or maybe some outside influence leading you to believe you need to be thinner?

I've seen so many friends be devoured by weight loss. You seem like such a wonderful person and weight loss disorders cause such unnecessary pain and struggle. No one deserves to live under that kind of stress...

no offense taken, i asked for open discussion with the hope and plan to receive it.

including the weight and temp checks with my potd posts isnt weight loss related, though i understand the thought process there, its fertility related, as im cycle tracking and the basal body temp is supposed to be linked to fertility cues.

i spent a fair number of years deeply anorexic, and im always fighting not to resort to the measures i once took to take control of my body, as thats a large part of what it was for me as well as body image and dismorphia issues. ive been in remission and healing from those issues since recovering from my first pregnancy in 2015. and its been difficult.

currently this weight loss has medical impetus. i went to a cunt doctor in may for curiosity concerning my fertility, and He had me do about 20 blood tests. one of those tests showed that my cholesterol was insanely high, dangerously high. the doctors suggestion was lose some weight, be more active, cut out fats. so im trying to do so safely.

its also in part that i am unhappy with my appearance, just slightly. i know having some fat is healthy and better for my body than having none, i just feel that i have a little more than i would like. i feel lethargic about half the week, i cant walk for more than 30 minutes or so (in part because of my bad knee, which im also working on), and im unsure of what strain my weight may put on my bad lungs and my fragile heart.

i could rant just as long about the medical industry, bmi and weight, as it all concerns to women and how its fucked, but my foster father had a heart attack recently with 100% blockage (dumb bastard drove himself to the hospital) and that as well as his many cancers, my foster mothers heart/ liver/ kidney failures. its all scared me rather harshly about my own health.

thank you for your concern, currently i just want to lose a little fat and gain some muscle, so i can keep up with my Owner on long walks and hikes, so i can keep up with my future kids (if i can have them) for as long as they want me to, so i can have enough strength in my body to hold my grandkids one day. because i dont as yet feel that i could if i got the chance.

[dairy-farmer]

Hi, this might be kind of a dumb question, but would you ever write about sasuke as tim drake again? Ever since I read "heroes come back," I've been pondering what Sasuke's relationship with the batfam would be, especially after dropping the "I've learnt my lesson about following strange men who offer me things in exchange for my body" line. And how your Sasuke!Tim lines up with the Tim you write about and in what ways that changes his relationships, and in what ways it doesn't.

not a dumb question at all!!!!! i have a fondness for all my fics including this one which i consider to be one of the most 'out there' concepts simply because of the whole crossover mashup haha!!

unfortunately i don't have any real or concrete plans about a continuation but there is a big door open for lots of possibilities that i never put down!!! simply because i couldn't find a way to incorporate them.

i do feel like sasuke's relationship is a lot like canon tim's- in that it's very unique in the nature of it.

by the time that sasuke aka "tim" comes into their lives he's had about a decade to really grind down and process A LOT of the trauma he carried over from his last life. (tim's therapists know that tim is traumatized from the events he witnessed as a child and they know that healing is slow but tim also presents with a lot of neuroses- anxiety, antisocial tendencies, paranoia, ptsd. sasuke's issues run deep and i think they pick up on it). sasuke, for the most part, died untreated from a lot of what he suffered and endured. in fact, it's the reason for his death because he never truly allowed himself to open up and let others in. when he's reborn and realizes he's on his own it's sort of the kick in the ass he's always needed to begin the journey to get better (along with the fact that the world he's in now has the facilities to help treat someone like him, i imagine that bruce has been petitioning for better mental health safety nets (especially ones for children) for a long time and sasuke is one of the many people to now benefit from it). sasuke in this verse truly does want to heal and get better and his relationships reflect that.

his relationship with the bats isn't quite strained, there's no coldness between them. but it took a while to get to the familiarity level of comfort. sasuke first respects them and their work and comes to genuinely love and care for them second. but it's his decade of work that ultimately helps him let them in and bond with them as a family through that also takes a while it's what allows him to be 'friendly' enough to befriend young justice. sasuke isn't good at things like socializing or interpersonal things but that's okay because batman isn't either and dick is more than willing to bare the burden of carrying on a conversation with his new little brother. but i feel like their road definitely is a long one because sasuke comes to them incredibly independent.

sasuke has still maintained his internalized maturity as an adult even though he has the mental processing and reactions of a teenager. sasuke is someone who was only ever responsible for himself and when in a team he was always the commander or the one directly under the commander. he definitely is set in his ways like an old man (read: like bruce lol). and while he admired the work bruce did he also had a...bit of a hard time adapting to it. ninja, i believe, kind of have an honor code when it comes to civilians. like only the worst kind of ninja throw their weight around with civilians and sasuke, who is still recovering from poor self-image and self-hatred, wouldn't really feel comfortable doing it. hence him adapting 'civilian' styles of fighting when dealing with most people, fighting like how he'd see farmers in disputes or bar owners would with drunks. the bats see that as him not really wanting to hurt people- until the opponent is someone clearly trained or a threat well then the gloves come off.

sasuke is definitely not fighting at the level he did before though. mainly because of differences in his body's muscle-skeletal structure but also there's no chakra present in the world. sasuke could be thrown through a wall as a genin and yeah it would hurt but he'd live. if that happened to him as robin he'd just die. his bones would break, organs would rupture- chakra provided a kind of padding to protect from hits but also help him hit harder. sasuke also notes how his perception is slower. the closest that a 'normal' person has to ninja perception is deadshot- like that's the level that the lowest ranking genin was at. so sasuke is definitely experiencing a big power descale. as a result he'd rely really heavily on techniques he's mastered, espionage, trap laying, etc. like tim, he's definitely not the strongest or fastest on the team- he has to plan ahead and outsmart many of his opponents, pulling trump cards and tricks. i had this idea that never ended up in the fic about the family catching tim constantly working at a kind of 'signature move' where he'd throw batarangs and then try to change their trajectory while they were still in the air- a trick notably developed by itachi that i believe sasuke had once asked him to teach him (?) but he never did. so sasuke is reverse engineering it as a kind of homage to his brother, eventually, he's successful and it becomes sort of quirk about his fighting style that's recognizable along with his bostaff.

among the bats sasuke is a very quiet and patient person, that anger that he'd had all his past life has more or less simmered down (which is why his 'rivalry' with damian isn't met with mutual aggression and more annoyance from his end when damian gets mouthy). which is different from tim who you can see on occasion has bouts of anger. he's also remarkably forgiving because he's developed more empathy for people- something that tim also had.

sasuke also has a policy of never referring to wanted people by their 'monikers' slash villain names. on one hand, because one of his therapists had told them that it just reinforces then delusions of grandeur many villains have but also i imagine it's mostly a cultural reason. as a ninja only specific people got monikers and it was never for a good reason (usually it meant they had killed a lot of people or because of some bad notable trait about them ). ex. the white fang, sharingan kakashi, friend killer kakashi, the legendary sucker, the yellow flash. using someone's moniker means you know them solely by reputation and are lending them a degree of respect by acknowledging that the other person is well known. sasuke does not want to offer that kind of respect, inadvertent or not. i imagine it really annoys some of the rogues. especially joker and deathstroke (i had a funny scene where sasuke was going to refer to harley and poison ivy as dr. quinzel and dr. isley and then joker as just 'jack' but i never managed to find a way to work it in).

for deathstroke it just irritates him because he feels like he's fighting one of joey's little league friends because sasuke keeps referring to him as mr. wilson. for other rogues they all kind of pause the first time it happens a few of them even freak out because they realize that sasuke knows their secret identity. sasuke's family all just accept that it's a weird little quirk of his

ultimatly i think that sasuke has a pretty good relationship with his family, not really any better or worse than canon tim's but it's one that sasuke never really managed to have before which is the biggest change for him.

but that doesn't mean he shares every part of himself with his family. sasuke at first thought that maybe one of the many magical, psychic, or telepathic people would be able to sense he doesn't belong, that he's not "from" their universe. it was a quiet sort of fear he had because he'd grown to love this life. but he gets reassured that he belongs because no one detects anything off about him. once while he was alone with martian manhunter he'd asked him to read his mind and tell him what he was thinking of. sasuke tried showing him his old life, his old home, his family but martian manhunter had just told him that he wasn't thinking of anything. it's like the tradeoff of being in this new life was that his old one was no longer congruent with reality.

i definitely feel like sasuke struggles with that for awhile. that he's the only one that can continue to remember or mourn that world. so he tries his best to bring in and incorporate parts of that past to his new life. using recipes kakashi taught him to soothe his summons, using moves rock lee taught him, tracking techniques he'd seen kiba use, herbal medicines that sakura had developed, etc.

but despite all the healing that sasuke experienced i feel like there's a few things that cause him real distress. one of those is orochimaru. i don't fully agree with how naruto ended with regard to orochimaru, out of all characters i don't believe he deserved a redemption arc. sasuke's time with him in this verse was a lot darker than it was in naruto. his line of "i've learnt my lesson about following strange men who offer me things in exchange for my body" was definitely a thinly veiled admission of what he'd endured under orochimaru. that is that sasuke endured an unspoken sexual abuse or coercion under orochimaru. maybe orochimaru rewarded sasuke the same way he did many other officers by letting him (read: making him) engage in sexual relations because orochimaru views people the same way he does lab rats (the viewing people as lab rats is also why sasuke despises scarecrow because he reminds him too much of orochimaru's experimental nature) and that meant that his rewards for performing well were limited to food and copulation opportunities. there's this really great sasuke time travel fic that i highly recommmend that goes more into the sexual abuse trauma sasuke endured under orochimaru because it's a take that i've only ever seen one other time and it was that fic.

jason definitely does worry and deliberate over telling someone but sasuke had told him he was getting better. ultimately he decides to tell bruce about it and sasuke i think would hit a bit of a rough patch because this wasn't something he'd ever brought up in therapy or truly processed- hence his big reaction over the fear gas when "orochimaru" appeared. it's this that catalyzes sasuke confessing what occurred over the year he went looking for bruce and also about what had happened to him with orochimaru though sasuke refuses to acknowledge his name because sasuke doesn't want orochimaru to have the dignity of also existing in this new world.

ultimately i think sasuke settles in more. he has the realization about his sexuality he never had in his old life and basically just lives a fulfilling with his family that he finally let in. beyond this i'm afraid i don't really have much more inspiration but thank you so much for your interest!! i'm happy you enjoyed my weird little fic about sasuke being reborn as tim!!!

[allylikethecat]

the 'discussions of piss (in a non sexy way)' LMAO. but how did it end up being actually kind of endearing tho lol

fictional taylor constantly thinking about how tiny he is (as a theme, not just the new chapter) :( i dont even know who that makes me sadder for honestly

and fictional matty being so protective even though he was forced into the whole thing is very sweet. but oh no karlie knows...i totally didnt pick up on that in the previous chapter. im on the edge of my seat 😬

side note, whenever matty mentions george it makes me want to read taylor to meet him so bad. excited for that, if you have it planned. excited anyway if not lol. tbh im not a swiftie in the slightest, but youve made me like your fake taylor so much haha

hope that was coherent lmao. ill try to organize my thoughts better and leave an actual comment later <3

OH MY GOSH! The happy dance-squealing sound combo I made when I saw this ask was absolutely insane. Buckle up because I am very excited, very caffeinated and going to write you a small novel in response!

I had way too much fun writing the whole piss segment, I too get extremely pee shy when there are people around and can hear it so I obviously had to inflict that on poor Fictional!Matty as well. In interviews from that era, Matty was also extremely passionate about Frozen, and Let It Go just seemed way too fitting 😂

Matty in 2014/2015 was tiny, at the time I don't think I even realized how tiny he was. But especially looking at pictures and videos of him now compared to then? Whoa. The man looked like a strong breeze would knock him over. Taylor during that time period, and Fictional!Taylor in my fic (who is a more dramatized version) was struggling with disordered eating and body images issues. Therefore, in my fic, she's hyper aware of those around her, and Fictional!Matty is skinny, boney, and as far as fictional!Taylor knows, basically living off of cigarettes, red wine, and Starbucks brownies, so obviously she is captivated by it. She had no idea that he's spiraling deeper and deeper into addiction. I think I had said it before, (and if I haven't I've at least told the Bestie) this isn't going to be a story where they make each other better. It's going to be one where they make each other worse.

IRL Matty during that era was a very outspoken Taylor Swift fan (before the whole putting his foot in his mouth thing about it being emasculating to date her) so my Fictional!Matty is obviously protective. He's still very much an up and coming artist at this point, and she's Taylor Fucking Swift in her 1989 era! He also has a little bit of a hero complex, we haven't seen it as much yet, since this fic is primarily from Taylor's perspective, but Fictional!Matty is an absolute disastrous mess and he is salivating at the chance to be the one to have it together, instead of having to constantly have someone else clean up his mess making him protective... And in terms of Fictional!Karlie, I hate to say it, but she is a model, and even if Heroin Chic wasn't necessarily all the rage in 2014 - it was still prevalent and influential enough that unlike my Fictional!Taylor, she knows what she's looking for and can clearly see the signs in Matty.

Taylor and George will be meeting in an upcoming chapter! It might not go the way that you're thinking or hoping though 👀

I'm glad that you're enjoying this fic even though you're not a Swiftie! I'm so happy to hear that you're enjoying my fictional version of Taylor, I was really nervous about getting her right because she is so famous, but I've had a lot of fun creating her into her own stand alone character!

Thank you so much for your wonderful long message, and I hope you read and enjoy all of this overenthusiastic, extremely long answer I've written in response! I look forward to reading your AO3 comment!

Thank you for reading and reaching out and all of that wonderful fun stuff!

❤️Ally

[fleshmechsystem]

TW: Body dysmorphia, gender dysphoria, depression, self harm, trauma dump

I think the issue I have the most is that I hyper focus on my negatives.

Right now I'm thinking I'm disgusting for eating rice lately considering my appetite has gotten... Larger as of late.

Metabolism been acting faster than usual.

But I'm afraid it's doing something to my body. I don't want to get fattened up like when I was a kid. Sure being a little chubby isn't bad, but when you have a specific body image you want in mind it just... Fucks with you.

Now that I realized I'm agender new problems basically popped out that I didn't realized I even had before.

Sometimes I don't even feel androgynous enough with my stupid face. My stupid voice and my stupid hair.

I look like a goddamn brute. I look like my dad.

It's probably one of my reasons why I get so... Distraught. Alongside my other issues like severe undiagnosed paranoia (I have signs I have it) and just tendencies of being... Not nice to myself when I get in my breaking point...

I honestly start to see a warped version of myself. Because of my many MANY issues, fears and just things I genuinely have no control over I start to just disregard my own life to have it's own meaning because I don't feel satisfied with what I am and what I have.

I don't give a fuck about the financial stuff since money means nothing to me and I've come to accept that material shit won't make me happy, well unless it's plushies then maybe capitalism can win for a bit.

But all I'm saying is that. I don't have the life I want. I don't have the body I want.

I have nothing I want.

Right now I'm in the pre transition phase shit. Even then I've started to look less masculine over the years but it's... Not enough.

It's never enough.

Right now I'm just sitting in the bathroom contemplating if I should harm myself or even have the absurd idea or carving parts of my disgusting cancerous body.

Sculpting it like a lunatic.

None of this would've happened if I wasn't fed a lot as a kid. None of this would've happened if I wasn't abused.

There are outside factors there too to be fair but. I've struggled with this for years that even with me starting to finally get back to my old sunday routine of working out.

I still don't see progress.

And with my growing appetite I worry that I will start to look disgusting again.

I have nothing against other people's bodies. I really don't. I can find someone cute no matter what. But this body?

I don't like it.

This vessel.

This vessel isn't me.

I want to escape from it.

But doing that will basically kill people that don't want to die.

And right now I don't want the others to die while I'm still sane.

If this goes on long enough I'll probably start saying shit like actively fake claiming the others because I want to just push them away. Make myself not feel bad for killing them.

It isn't nice.

I never really was a patient person.

Even now I still struggle with letting my emotions in check. I physically can't even play online games because I just... Lose myself.

I'm not a good person. I never was, but at the same time that's what I've been told.

Even with their efforts, their abused will still linger and they chose to be ignorant with how hurtful they get sometimes.

Good thing I'm not a host anymore. No one is. At any time someone else could puppet the vessel and stop me from doing something silly with my funny wrist using my funny nails.

I guess. I guess I just feel like shit.

Life was never fair so I just have a cluster of problems that makes me think that the only way I can get what I want in life is through violence. Pain. And all that shit.

Honestly I lost count of wanting to commit crimes as a way to send a message. Of course for legal reasons I haven't committed them. Although I did burn a church down in project zomboid.

This is the reason why I just can't understand the empathy people express towards someone like me, who's admittedly messed up.

I'm messed up. My past was messed up.

I just. Sent myself down in this loop of hating myself over having issues because I just can't accept people love me.

I can't understand the very idea of relationships.

Even now I have issues with that with some psychology bullshit stuff. Like I have trouble with my feelings towards people. My brain goes Person is nice towards you = Love??

Like it could be platonic love but it feels really weird.

I think this is what happens if someone doesn't use a condom. You get someone like me to be born.

Hell they weren't even prepared for it. "Dad" had to go abroad just to support us making me think he doesn't even exist to the point I didn't recognize or knew him when he came back, "mom" works and was barely home to give me the affection I needed or just having a parent and not a babysitter, not to mention someone with anger issues.

Whenever I fucked up as a kid I get yelled at. Or maybe Riley did. Memory is blurry since I can't tell who's past it really was even if Riley was the host.

Eventually the whole incident happened when the split really did happen or at least according to Riley.

Kid swore, instead of being scolded, they got a handful of salt shoved down their throat.

Even now I still remember what they did to Riley. To us.

I can't forgive someone like that even if they claim they've "changed" or "feel bad about what she did" I don't forgive someone who chooses their own entitled view of themselves and only feels guilty about themselves over us.

Maybe it's fucked up love, but I don't want that love, neither does Riley I think.

We're not free yet. But honestly my relationship with the former host is fucking weird.

I don't know. Close feeling. Maybe it's the trauma bond but. It's weird.

And I really don't want it to be romantic either so I will say it's platonic certainly.

But even then being close to someone you've never met for years is weird.

Fuck.

Why am I like this?

What fucking fear and hunger god did I angered to have issues? This sucks.

I want a refund.

-Cal

[alarrytale]

In my honest opinion I don't think louis' future is on stage. He always says performing is his favourite part of the job. Okay so why doesn't he learn the lyrics, is often late on stage, doesn't take care of his singing voice or uses alcohol for courage to even come up on stage.I understand being nervous and stressed, especially since he's doing it on his own but I'd imagine doing things you love is usually without a poker face. He almost never smiles during shows. It seems like a chore or he's just burnout. When he says performing is his favourite part of the job i think he remembers the nostalgia of performing with the band. He was always happy to share the stage with his friends. I don't think he loves it as much now as he says he does. I think he excells in many other areas but performing is not his thing (maybe it would be if he let his body be free, not analysing his every gesture). I think what he means when he says he loves it is that he loves seeing the fans, visiting new counties and traveling the world with people he has good relationships with and whom he trusts.

In the future i see him running a successful management company, his festival and a clothing brand. (Not to mention being childless and more in tune with himself etc.)

Louis needs to take some time to sit down and be honest with himself. He might not like some of the realisations and it won't be an easy transiton but how can you move forward in life without really knowing what you want or what you're good at. Gaslising or lying to yourself won't bring any success on a personal level. I know he stopped doing things for our approval and only listens to himself but sometimes a good advice and an open mind can do wonders. He's so special and I believe he can truly leave a positive change in this world. I only want him going his own unique path unbothered by anything that doesn't serve his true potential. It's a long way to go but i hope it's achievable for him.

Hi,

I do believe him when he says performing is the best part of his job. I think he loves performing, loves connecting with his fans, feeds on fans energy and loves entertaining. But i don't think he's very good at it, being on stage alone. He's got major confidence issues, is very in his head and is self-concious about his movements etc. as not to seem too flamboyant. He wants to relax and just enjoy it, but he can't relax too much unless he forgets himself. It's tricky, and he struggles with it.

I think he loves the touring life and the lifestyle that comes with it too. He's basically on a vacation with his friends and gets an adrenaline high every other night while performing. I think he knows this will not last forever so he's doing the most out of it while he can. He probably is a bit of a stoner, and that does impact his performance on stage, manifesting in the things you mention. It's an unhealthy coping mechanism as i've talked about many times before. We know the pressure he's under to live up to a certain image, but he also puts pressure on himself.

I think he'd be an excellent performer if he didn’t have the baggage he's got and if he was out. It would be such a weight off of his shoulders and he would not have to perform heterosexuality and exaggerated laddyness as well as perform his songs. I keep hoping he'll find his confidence, but as you see it's complicated. I don't think it would be better for him if he gave up on the thing he loves the most because of lack of confidence. He'd see himself as a quitter and a failure, which he's obviously not. So he keeps trying and trying. Faith in the future and all that. As long as he's got fans, he'll keep doing it. He is living his dream.

[rquerdo]

Vorag the Kaitogen Sculpture Process

Hey guys!

I just finished this badboy yesterday and wanted to go through the process of making him. This isn't really a tutorial, but more of a walk through.I do want to mention, before you give a critique, I ask that you please read through the entire thing before commenting, I'll be giving self-critiques and most likely I cover what needs to be critiqued. That aside, I'll be more than happy to take on critiques!

To start things off, here's the drawn version of Vorag. I started this drawing in the beginning of this year and worked on it a week after the drawing was finished.

Backstory: The Kaitogon species are cursed humans who sold their souls for strength and power to the Elder Dragon. Each Kaitogon are assigned new names from their reborning and their memories of their past lives are completely vanished.

Time for the process:

So this is what I'm starting off with. As you can see, not really much for this custom/sculpture.

Originally, I was going to use the body and arms for another sculpture (Tyvesses-who's also apart of this series. Click here to check out that process on twitter) however the body got way too bulky for Ty. I ended up using a spiderman action figure for the rest of the body which then leaves us with spiderman's head and hands (I ended up not using the legs). I will have to make the rest of the body from scratch.

I was debating on how I want to display Vorag until I decided to give him a platform to be on. This helps with the posing since I don't have to rely on him standing on his own. I used old casting mold to create the shape of the platform. and from there, I used plaster wraps to obtain the shape and make it all uniform together.

So here's the controversial side. The moldings made the platform too heavy and I knew that would be an issue for the long run. If I were to just remove the molds, the plaster by itself would collapse; not strong enough. So here's what I come up with...

Foam Spray

It's lightweight and it's pretty durable. Reason why it's controversial is because it's not eco-friendly. I try my best to reuse items that I have laying around my home. That or I'll buy items that are used or pre-owned (with the exception of supplies). I don't want to seem like I'm an eco-friendly sculptor when I'm using something that could potentially harm the environment. With that being said, I won't call myself an eco-friendly sculptor, but I have good intentions.

The foam spray does foam up rather quickly and regardless on how careful you spray, I find that you will have to cut off an excessive amount

Taking a step back from the platform and onto the character himself. I thought it would be a cool idea for the armor's eyes to glow-so why not play with some LED's?!

I wish I had my diagram sketch on how I made the parallel circuit but it's quite simple. I found an image from Adobe Stock that explains it pretty well. I soddered two red LED's with a built in resistor. I like to make sure that my LED's have a built in resistor to prevent any burnouts.

Click here to see a video of the LED's light up. You can faintly hear me say "It works!"

The head was an interesting process. So I wanted to make the head out of monster clay for a few reasons. 1) I'm making the head from skratch so I needed as much time as I needed. I usually use Apoxy but if you've used it before, after 10 minutes or so, it starts curing, making it tacky and hard to sculpt. 2) I was hoping to cast it and possibly make multiple heads for future sculptures.

I wasn't mad at what I constructed but I've noticed that the head looks so far off from the original concept design. I figured once it's casted, I can sand it down and fix it with apoxy. I used Mold Star 15 Slow for the mold.

Fun fact: I’ve actually had the molding stuff for a while now. I tried to cast my first sculpture but ended up scrapping it since I found myself spending too much on the materials. Since it’s just the head-I had more than enough to cast :)

Overall, this is what I got:

Yea... no. I knew this wouldn't work. Comparing the two, looks like the casting expanded and I needed the head to be quite small inorder to exaggerate Vorag's muscular body. I have no other choice but to scrap it. I removed the monster clay (by applying heat directly to it) from the spiderman head and started over.

I've also sanded down some eye sockets and an indent from nose to mouth. I tried sanding down the entire head for the apoxy to stick onto it better and to remove the pattern. Is it necessary? not really in my opinion.

Either way, I'm really happy with the results. Kinda hard to see the detail but the head's smaller and it looks more like the concept art. I know the horns aren't going the right direction when looking at the concept art, but I wasn't too particular with the horn placement.

Time for the body:

I used Aluminum foil and some scrap paper to create the base of the dragon part. If I did this process again, I would've sculpted the body separately and not make it permanent to the platform so soon. Sculpting and paining under the belly was a nightmare and it shows too.

I've also installed the led's into the chest. I used cheap plastic nails to wall the apoxy and the led's. I wish I had some sort of red clear plastic packaging instead but the curvature of the nail sits nicely. I used red UV resin to paint the eyes. The LED wires are embedded in the body so you won't be able to see it. The eyes look a little "yikes" in this photo but I did end up fixing it multiple times.

Placing the head onto the body:

I've also added on the arms as well. I should mention that the arms and chest was originally a monster high doll (I don't know which character though). As I was putting on the arms, I've also widen the upper chest. Like mentioned previously, I wanted to exaggerate his musculature figure.

Slowly but surely it's starting to come together! I used apoxy sculpt for filling the entire body and air drying clay for the platform.

Adding on some additional details like the spikes and and the upper teeth of the armor.

The spikes on the dragon part has these sewn-in plastic spikes, like what you would use on an outfit, acting as a base for each spike. I figured this would keep the structure of the spike and keep them more uniform than me just making them with clay.

Wings:

This was rather tricky for me. So I didn't use Worbla, but a cheaper alternative. I find this specific brand trickier to use since, when heated, likes to permanently bond onto any surface. With Worbla, I can still remove it when warm, but with this brand, a slight pull will get it to rip like putty. Ultimately, I would've done more with the wings if I didn't struggle so hard with it. You can also see with Vorag's belt.

I sanded the crap out of the wings, heck-the entire sculpture. I made sure to also roughen up the Worbla knock-off so that the Apoxy and it can blend out when painted. I learned that the hard way when I made the K'ril Tsuroth a few years back.

Here's the entire sculpture primed. Well, I didn't really have a primer, so I used a satin white paint. It gives off a pearly white finish which I find to be really pretty and gives a marble statue effect.

Here's when I installed the wings. I used armature wire as a staple and hot glue to keep the wings in place. I think overall, they turned out quite nicely. I had to fix the back with more apoxy which was a bit tricky, but manageable.

For the belt, not gonna lie, not the strongest look of the entire sculpture.I wanted to give Vorag his belt as seen on the concept, but again, the Worbla knock-off was ripping apart. It was to the point that I had to use apoxy to fix the ripped parts. I could've restarted, but I was so eager to finish this before the end of the month. Also, I'm training myself on not over focusing on specific areas since it would drive me crazy.

Painting time:

Overall, I like the color choices with the exception of the claws and the horns, I wish they weren't as vibrant and more white but I gave it a pass since it makes him a bit more cartoony and I needed a break from seeing earthy/muted tones.

Here's me making an attempt to make the face on the center of the belt.

yea...it's not good.

Instead, I bought a used John Cena action figure on eBay and the difference between the two is no comparison on which one's better.

I cut off the back of the head and hot glued it on to a piece of cardboard. From there I just used apoxy to blend it all in.

Vorag's hair was a mess.

I know, I should've used yarn. But I found such a great deal on hair extensions and little did I realize, it was cheap for a reason. The hair is synthetic so I had to be careful on how heat is applied. If you look at the hair, it's frizzy and hard to control. The hair didn't like to separate which made the glue from the wefts exposed. It was really weird and I don't know how else to explain it. When I was about to remove the hair and give into using yarn, I just said "screw it" and teased the hair. I figured, I'm already going to throw away the hair, what do I got to loose?

Actually, it fixed the problem. Yea the hair is extremely frizzy and I'm not a fan of it still, but it took care of the awkward, open gaps. We was suppose to have an undercut hairstyle, but the top hair was so unmanageable, that I had to anchor down the ponytail part to his back neck with hot glue.

Face up and overall review:

I've exceeded the amount of images used in a post but if you'd like to see more photos, check out my twitter thread here. I think the faceup turned out to be alright, not the best-but alright. The face looks a bit derpy but I think that's because of the way the eyes were sculpted; something I should work on for future projects-symmetry.

I did use the soft pastels and watercolor pencils for the detailing and acrylic paint for the overall base colors. I've used maybe 3 or 4 layers of Mr. Super Clear.

Overall, I'm happy with the outcome. I think for next time I work on something big like this, I should work on it in pieces than work on the entire thing all at once. There are some areas that are just "yuck" (mostly on the belly area). Maybe later on, I'll fix those areas in the future but for now, I'm marking this as complete!

Let me know what you guys think!

While you're at it, check out my social medias:

Twitter

Twitch

Discord

AO3 (Writing a Novel: Chapters come out on the 1st and 15th of each month)

Wattpad

Kofi

Thanks and I hope you find this inspiring of some sort! Feel free to ask me any questions regarding this project.

[thebendsbyradiohead]

pls share some of your responses with such comments I never know what to say and and up suffering in silence

okay so, first of all i hope you're taking care of yourself as much as you can. i hope you know that other people's comments don't define you, even if they come from people that have supposedly "known us our whole lives" and think they have the right to assign values to us as people <3

usually, i try to approach it in a civil manner because more often than not our parents have been traumatized themselves and are not aware of what they are doing. i'm not saying this to justify their actions but to bring them into perspective. my own mother was horribly criticized on every aspect of her life by her mother, so i try to give her some slack when she makes off-hand comments that she doesn't realize how they land.

in this particular instance i asked her why she needed to even mention my weight gain at all, she replied that it's because she's worried about my health, i answered that she knows i take care of my health while alone abroad (to such an obsessive degree, i'm worried i might have ocd), she acknowledged that but proceeded to tell me that "for a 26 year old woman i am too sensitive regarding my body image and should be able to fend off comments like these at my big age".

now, i'm realizing that we are not entering the conversation on the same level. i point out that i've been receiving these comments since i was 11, a very vulnerable age, from people who were supposed to be building me up instead of tearing me down. again, she tells me to disregard that since my grandparents were "old and senile", i refused to do that and told her that regardless of their mental state, my mental state at that age was influenced by their comments. she tells me that everyone said the same thing to my cousin and she's fine.

at this point, i realize that she's going to keep finding ways out of acknowledging her (or her parents') responsibility in this, so i hit where it hurts: i tell her that's why my cousin is on antidepressants. is it nice? no, but i want her to realize the gravity of the situation and after multiple attempts to make her empathize with me i have to resort to drastic measures and i know that will make her second guess herself and think deeply on the topic.

by all means, this did not immediately solve the issue of weight loss commenting or my mother's insistence of romanticizing her parents and their negative impacts on our lives, but like everything else it's a step by step process. all i (and you) can do, is point out to our parents how they hurt us, explain the effects of their actions, and ask them to stop. if they don't, harsher boundaries will have to be drawn and regardless how they feel about them, at least we will not be suffering in silence but instead, we will be making the conscious decisions to protect ourselves and stay away from things and people that hurt us.

sorry for the super long and unnecessarily detailed answer but i hope it helped! if you want to discuss this further, my inbox and DMs are open <3

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Thank you for replying to my ask and having this blog! I didn't want to tell any detail about my ed I thought that would be very triggering for some people cause it's about losing and gaining weight and dieting so trigger warning!!

But I guess I have always had since high school disturbed body image because diet culture starts affecting you very early on.

In college when I have had depressive episodes one way to cope was restricting my eating and then when I lost the weight I gained when depressed I started to feel better and it was like this yo-yo ish many years.

But oh god last year I had so many things that caused me stress I was living in a survival mode the whole 2021 and maybe still am, and idk why I gained weight guickly maybe it was many things combined. Then when things were bad my bf left me and my friends didn't help me and I was left kinda alone and the only way to cope again was thinking of losing weight. So this is such a classic but my ed was the symptom of my hard life situation and way to cope with the anxiety and stress.

But restricting my eating didnt 'work 'like it used to in the past, I havent been able to lose the gained weight and so my energy and time is still focused on losing that weight even now when im my life situation has improved a bit.

I have talk about my issues with doctors and I feel they haven't been taking my symptoms seriously or have focused just on my depression and anxiety (which are caused by ed so this is a fun cycle). Yesterday I talked to a nutritionist for the first time since applying help and she just said what I already know that even tho ed is a mental health problem the only way to cure is by eating. And that I should stop thinking about losing weight cause that only worsens everything (yeah no shit). And that she can't help me cope with the anxiety it's the other healthcare system that should (have) do(ne) that.

The thing is I have triedddd so much this whole time to take care of my eating but if I had succeeded I wouldn't be having any problems with it still u know?

It's kinda ironic how much I know about ed without being able to do anything. First I need to fix my nutritional status I think that's where everyone starts. And after that maybe intuition eating. I need to learn dbt skill to cope with anxiety and depression. And stop stressing about everything everywhere qll the time. Buying new clothes that fit so looking at my too small clothes wouldn't be so triggering. I need to learn self compassion and find a therapist but they are in high demand so that's really hard. I need to find things that I like about myself and repeat those. But everytime when I fail at trying to fix my daily routine and fix my eating routine I think of it as a setback and its a cycle very hard to get off (I need to wake up early to eat breakfast and lunch early so I wouldn't be so hungry at evening and night cause then I can't sleep properly and then I sleep in and then I eat late and then im hungry at evening and night cause I don't wanna eat too much in the evening and then I sleep in cause my blood sugar is so low from not eating enough in the evening does this make any sense at all) and I think I have ibs from so much stress and I think that's actually the reason I have gained weight like I'm bloated all the time. And i dont have any support cause my depression/ ed made me also isolate from my friends and/or they kinda left me also so yeah. Ummmmm this became a lot longer than i thought. if you read this all thank you and also sorry for dumping all my problems here

Sorry that it took me so long to respond to this - my own life situation is kind of taking a toll on me rn, and I've been slow to respond to people. That will continue to be the case, most likely.

But I'm sorry you've found the system so unhelpful! I really think a competent nutritionist should at least be a little understanding of mental health problems, especially when a lot of people coming to them with additional health needs will probably be coping with a lot and might need a little empathy. I mean, yeah, that's not her main job, but healthcare requires a multipronged approach, especially since her "just eat" directive won't be helpful without someone assisting with the mental health aspect simultaneously. I mean, if she frequently works with ED clients she should know that - "just eat" is such an ineffective directive. I hope you find a therapist or a team of therapists that are capable of helping you.

My advice, though? Break it down for yourself. All of these things are a cycle that feed into one another, so making progress in ANY of these areas you struggle in is still progress. And if you let yourself focus on one thing at once, it might not seem so overwhelming. Also remember that everyone struggles with hard days/moments, so if you slip, it doesn't mean you've lost all your progress. It seems an all-or-nothing approach can be really self-defeating. I get it, though - that's definitely something I still find myself struggling with!

I really hope you find more social support! I don't know if you have any online support groups. I also hope it's okay that I published this ask - I tend to do it unless otherwise specified so that people on here don't feel alone in their struggles. I bet there have been lots of ED sufferers who struggled during the pandemic, who have been feeling a lot of overwhelm and who struggle with finding adequate support and on trying to accept their bodies as-is and who are triggered by things like buying new clothes. I'm wondering if anyone else would like to share their experiences.

[septembersghost]

Sorry for dropping it like this, I read the anon's story (who had to go to the doctor appointment. Sorry, hun, I don't know who you are or if you're reading this) and I'm SHOCKED and so angry at their neighbors. What... disgusting people. Ok, here's a little story. There was a time in my life when I almost stopped eating like for a month, because I was so scared and terrified and my anxiety was so bad I couldn't eat anything, I'd have like an apple for a whole day and that was that. I won't go into details, but, when the said situation got resolved, I started stuffing myself with food. I was just so hungry all the time. And I put on weight. And people noticed. And they had not so nice things to say about it. I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself.

What I want to say now is this (to you, to anon, to ANYONE who might be reading this): your value is NOT determined or dependent on your weight or your physical appearance, it's NOT determined by a chronic illness, be it physical or mental, there's NOTHING to be ashamed of. You are beautiful just the way you are! Anon, I don't know if you're reading this, but I want you to know that you are beautiful. We're all human, we all can put on fat, and that's okay! You're still beautiful! Also, it can be so hard and frustrating to live with depression and to be afraid to leave your house, but, even though you have those things, you are not defined by them.

The anon was being very brave for leaving the house and going to the doctor, and I think it's something to be proud of! Their neighbors are the ones who's ugly, not the anon. The neighbors know this, and that's why they were laughing: to try and seem "better" than a person who is struggling, because they have so low opinion about themselves and such a huge level of self-hatred and self-pity they wanted to dump it all on someone else. This kind of behavior sickens me to the bone. That's disgusting and despicable and by this alone they come off as terrible people.

I'm sending love and hugs to you and anon, if they're reading it ❤️

thank you for sharing this sweetheart 💕

it's hard for me to articulate well, but i have had endless battles of my own with my weight for as long as i can remember. i carried "baby fat" (as they called it) well into high school, and it was...an extremely superficial, unkind environment (think me at size 10 being mooed at in the halls, which wasn't even the worst of the bullying i endured). i've destroyed photos of myself that i couldn't stand to see. my weight has also fluctuated, and at times been dangerously low from my chronic illnesses (some of which are GI-related, so of course that's all comorbid), yet when i was most ill was when outside opinions decided to highly praise me, as if frailty made me prettier, which...has led to some real anxiety about putting weight on. (this makes me think of when taylor opened up about her struggles with this - "I didn’t know if I was going to feel comfortable with talking about body image and talking about the stuff I’ve gone through in terms of how unhealthy that’s been for me — my relationship with food and all that over the years...I’m not as articulate as I should be about this topic because there are so many people who could talk about it in a better way. But all I know is my own experience. And my relationship with food was exactly the same psychology that I applied to everything else in my life: If I was given a pat on the head, I registered that as good. If I was given a punishment, I registered that as bad...You register that enough times, and you just start to accommodate everything towards praise and punishment, including your own body.")

even though i know, logically, that stress, hormones, anxiety/depression, illness side effects, the list goes on, can all affect that and are not my fault, it still preoccupies me. i've grappled with serious body dysmorphia and varying disordered eating issues since i was a teenager that i still contend with at times, and punishing myself in that way has manifested as a sense of "control" when other things become overwhelming, despite me realizing that's not healthy. those ashamed and self-hating thoughts can linger and plague us no matter what we look like outwardly. i say all of this so that you, and anon, can know that i truly empathize with these struggles, in countless ways.

you were hungry because your body was starving for nutrition! because we need that to survive. and i am so sorry anyone took it upon themselves to be unkind to you for something that warranted nothing but support.

people can be terrible about this topic, and i wish we could do better and deprogram everyone from that sneering reaction of judgment leveled at others' bodies.

you are so right in saying that value is never determined by weight or physical appearance, and it is very difficult to separate that in our minds because of the messaging we're often given, but that is not the measure of what makes us beautiful, or good, or deserving. it never changes our intrinsic worth.

The anon was being very brave for leaving the house and going to the doctor, and I think it's something to be proud of! exactly, and i agree with everything else you said too.

i'm so grateful you said this and YOU are very brave for putting it out there, and a beautiful person and such a kind soul too. i hope anon sees this and can take it to heart, as well as anyone else who might need it. i'm sending you love and hugs back! 🥰💞