#id rather she not have been there at all than go thru what she put me thru for years and years

[sadlazzle]

sometimes i rlly wanna ask my mother if she thinks my hearing is as bad as hers bc i KNOW she is not saying half the shit she does knowing i can hear every fucking word

[charlotteiscrying]

i always figured you wanted something real, because that’s what you told me. i thought you wanted something more than skin deep, you know that whole reason why you fucking other girls didn’t count as cheating to you. i allowed it, because i thought we had something more than just skin. i’ve always understood sex is just a verb, i believe that so much because ive never once been looking for only sex. yes you have a huge dick. but i love you for other reasons, for how you treated me, how you cared for me, kept me safe, protected me. how you helped me though my toughest times and inspired me to change n get through them. how you looked at me, the way that i can feel the energy radiating off your skin even when you aren’t touching me. how you hugged me, how you were able to be vulnerable around me. how you’d talk in ur lil jit voice, how whenever we saw a lil kid you’d tell me how bad you wanted a mini-us. how you gave me access to the version of you that no other human has, or will ever, see.

i asked you so many times to tell me why you loved me. to give me a reason, to say something nice so that i could get my mind (that was screaming at me to give up on you) to relax, to rest for at least one night. i wanted you to reassure me that you love me for the way i’ve helped you, for what i’ve done for you, for me caring n fighting to stay in your life thru all this. for me being the one n only person you’ve ever been able to open up to in this world. for me helping you through your toughest time in this life, when your ex told you she never loved you, it had always been fake. that crushed you. i saw the way you texted her for months after that. it took you six months of having me in your life to “get over her” enough to “date” me. if one year of fake with her caused that much damage to you, think of what two years of fake codependency, love, and drug addiction with you has done to me ? and, unfortunately, i don’t have a charlotte to come love me outta this.

i wish so bad i hadn’t told you how every man in my life has always only looked at me for only my body and what i have. i wish i hadn’t told you what i truly wanted. to be loved as the soul inside my body. you listened to exactly what i wanted, and you shoved your demon body into the cookie cutter shape my brain needed to see in order to feel love. you took residency up in my mind, just to take notes on what would get my hopes up, n what would crush them even harder. you’ve lived with me for the past two years. 700+ days, living in my family’s home, with me, because you had nowhere else to go, and i love you. even to this day, even after you’ve hurt me this bad, i’d rather let you live with me than know you’re homeless out in that snow right now. i bought you over $100,000 in drugs, because i’d rather sell my pussy for you than see you withdraw, and i love you. you crashed my bmw, you saved my life in the process, but i committed insurance fraud to keep you outta trouble. had i told my insurance the truth id have a brand new car right now. but id rather commit a huge mf crime (while im on probation for the second time) than put you in $40,000 of debt for crashing a car you didn’t own, that you were driving without insurance.

now im stuck here: no car, no money, no job, no you. you promised me so many times that once you had a job id never have to work a day in my life again. that just wasn’t true- when i flew out to you on my birthday you lied to me about having to pay for your mom’s cancer surgery and chemo, that’s why you couldn’t help pay for my flight, the rental car, the hotel. i should’ve known, i should’ve ended it right then and there. my ex lied to me about his dad being in the hospital, dying from cancer. i knew that was bullshit the second it came out his mouth. he was just saying the buzzword “cancer” because he knew my dad had died from cancer when i was seven, and he wanted sympathy outta me, so i’d give him more money, drugs, whatever he wanted. yet i realized you lied to me about paying for your mom’s chemo, to try and prevent me from flying out to you, and i didn’t blink an eye. my brain was screaming at me, but i ignored it.

am i stupid ? or were you just that good of a liar ? would anyone in my place have fallen for you for as long as i did ? i seriously think that all of us, everything, has just been you manipulating me to get what you wanted from me. once you took everything i could physically give you: you dipped straight tf out. you know what i said before wasn’t entirely true. i’d much rather see you outside, soaking wet and freezing cold from this snow, than EVER let you in my house again. if everything was fake, you never once meant it any of those times you’d say i love you, or when you would actually say the nice things i wanted to hear, you’re actually a demon. and i know you’d take that as a compliment- it should be an insult.

[bastardfucker]

In case no one’s told you yet today: your writing is an absolute gift. Your characterization is phenomenal—if someone told me you’d been plucked out of the boys’ writers’ room, id be like “yeah that tracks” because of how realistic ur dialogue & inner monologues are. It’s embarrassing how many times ive read thru critical darlings too 😵‍💫 like i just love ur work!! Have a fab day

I want to print this out and hang it on my wall 🥺💖

This means a lot to me, especially since Critical Darling is my favorite Fic that’s I’ve written. I do Intend to continue it some day (I mean it was at least a year between Chapters 4 and 5), but all of my fics are currently on hiatus due to the fact that I picked up a job as a professional Ghostwriter.

The company I work for has me writing 4k words a day for three weeks at a time, which between that and being a parent doesn’t leave me with a whole lot of free time.

That said, in what free time I DO have I’m working on my own original Horror-Romance Novella series. I figure that since I have a full-time career as a writer now, I should have something I can actually publish under my own name (since none of my ghostwriting work can go in my portfolio due to the NDAs I had to sign)

It means a lot to me that you feel I capture the characters well; the Homelander character in particular is a fascinating character to work with. Toxic devotion is one of my favorite tropes to write in, and his very specific traumas make for a lot of interesting things to unpack (I have chapters 6, 7, and part of 8 thought out, but I won’t have the time to actually work on them until I get at least one of my original works published-which will be a while since work keeps me pretty busy)

Putting a readmore here because I accidentally made this a long post and I don’t want to clutter anyone’s dashes 😅

Critical Darling started out as a “Fix it Fic” in the sense of “Okay but, what if someone actually CARED about Homelander? What would happen?” But the thing about Homelander is even when he’s doing his best and he has a support system, he’s going to put a LOT of pressure on that person. I intend to explore a little bit more of his possessiveness in chapter 6, since Darcy really hasn’t tripped on any of his jealousy buttons so far(since she herself has no other friends), I also want to give her the chance to be a prick to some other characters in a way that’ll highlight the weird over-protective codependency she’s headed toward with him. I also intend for her to meet Hughie, and without him knowing who she is, get some of her reservations about Homelander off of her chest(her desire for a real relationship but inability to touch him-which she phrases like a psychological issue with touch rather than outing her power). Unfortunately, she’ll also meet Butcher, and that will confirm her as an Enemy to The Boys(more than just being “Mrs. Cunt”). Her altercation with Butcher will actually end up making the codependency WORSE, because it reenforces her trauma around being a supe and the idea that she was raised with that she should be punished for it, and she clings to Homelander, because he makes her feel safe being who she is. This of course, gives him such a big ego. (He had been mad that she went off in the middle of the night without him; he of course, didn’t really have the right to be mad that she went out for a walk, but having her cling to him for safety after a traumatic event really makes him feel more confident that he’s right about his possessiveness)

I just want to enforce that just because Darcy’s genuine compassion for him IS helping him, that love isn’t a magic cure-all pill for the very deep rooted issues he has; ESPECIALLY when she has a lot of unresolved issues of her own. Both Homelander and Darcy are making progress on their respective issues (he is learning that he doesn’t have to be Perfect to be loved, and he’s allowed to hurt from what has been done to him; she is growing to be less passive, her tendencies to stand up for HIM helping her better understand that she needs to hold boundaries for herself), but they will definitely both stumble sometimes.

Chapter 7 will involve him meeting her family (Grandparents and Brother) within the context of their fake relationship, and it will definitely mean a lot to him when they essentially welcome him to the family with open arms (and make him that much more desperate for his relationship with Darcy to be more than a Media Cover). It will have a lot of cute fluff with Darcy’s kid brother being a huge Homelander fan, but it will also explore a lot of angst within the context of his inner monologuing regarding the way Darcy’s Grandparents seem to genuinely want to treat him like a person, and it will be very hard for him not to cry when he sees the opportunity to have a real family, if he can make things real with Darcy. Of course, being around the family will also expose some of her traumas around her parents/stepfather that she hasn’t really disclosed to him, and that will go a long ways toward helping him understand who she really is. (Being welcomed into Darcy’s family will also steer him away from the whole supe supremacy thing, since now he has a human family who cares about him. It will also put him in a much better place emotionally when he finally meets Ryan; especially with Darcy there to provide emotional support and to actually take Becca’s feelings into account)

Oops I really didn’t mean to go on a whole big speech about what’s next for Critical Darling 😅; I just really really love the fic so I get a little overzealous whenever I get the chance to talk about it.

In any case, thank you so much for the kind words!! It was actually the amount of support I’ve gotten for Critical Darling that pushed me to actually try for the professional work I have now, so it really does mean everything to me. Writing professionally has literally changed my life for the better.

[spnorwhatever]

Niche interesting-to-me-and-idk-who-else sort of free-form ramble/discussion on 1901 Castiel’s fashion to follow:

okay so 1901 Castiel isn’t very height-of-fashion-trends 1901, HOWEVER I don’t mind that it’s a bit more late 1890s, since the average person doesn’t just suddenly change all their clothes once the decade turns over, and (if we’re going by the actress’ age) the vessel would be like.. 20? at the time. I found a handful of fashion plates, ranging from 1893 to 1898, which look similar in silhouette/cut to what they put Castiel in. This one in particular, I think, probably was a strong influence/strongly resembles the coat the put her in, down to the darts and the pockets: https://collections.vam.ac.uk/item/O606532/fashion-plate/

They put Benjamin in something very similar, if not the same, so I imagine that they just modified Castiel’s to make it double-breasted [edit: JUST KIDDING it’s not double-breasted? just looks it bc it’s pulled over asymmetrically] (these ones are double-breasted: https://collections.vam.ac.uk/item/O606621/fashion-plate/ ; https://collections.vam.ac.uk/item/O606507/fashion-plate/ ; https://collections.vam.ac.uk/item/O606598/fashion-plate/ ; here’s another one with a jaunty hat from 1896, titled “Latest styles in hunting costumes” https://collections.vam.ac.uk/item/O606538/fashion-plate/ ‘ here’s some actual photos, it looks like, of coats from 1899. the sleeve is much slimmer than what they did on the show https://libmma.contentdm.oclc.org/digital/collection/p15324coll12/id/8800 ). some of these other examples, though, have a clearly contrasting skirt, and I honestly like that better. Also, for the period, the hat would have been worn square on the head, NOT at a jaunty angle lmao. But like... okay at least they had them in hats lmao, as would have been proper for the time.

I do want to give props to the costuming department, because it does look like they at least did SOME research, and I can see their references to the late Victorian era, if not an exact time, even if the fit is not stunning. Like, I would have nipped in the sleeve a bit more (you can see above that the sleeves do go fitted thru the elbow to wrist, and they didn’t do that which is why she looks so chunky from the 3/4 angle), and done something else with the skirt, since having the skirt in the same sort of suiting fabric for an unembellished tan-on-tan look is... not very stunning. also they altered it so it was long, but with an asymmetrical/cutaway kind of opening? That’s odd. And I think makes the tone-on-tone look weirder, bc clearly it’s a COAT coat, not just a like dress bodice made to look coat-like. Benjamin’s, in contrast, works a bit better bc it looks like it goes no farther than, like, mid-thigh? knee? I saw some long coats, but like the front would meet in the middle and the hem ended just above the skirt hem (more like ankle-length), not be full floor-length like the skirt would be. Which makes sense, you’re not going to launder your coat as much, it makes less sense to make your coat foor-length where it’ll drag on the floor & in the dirt and through everything. Actually, in the full-length shot from the show you can see the skirt & the coat (rip) darkened at the hem from damp lmao.

Like, yes, bodices would match skirts as like suit sets, but the thing is that Castiel’s top looks to be more of a coat than, say, a bodice of a suit set, so it makes less sense for me to have it match.  Also wish they’d done a different design for Castiel, because Castiel and Benjamin look to be in the same/similar kind of look, and idk... it just makes it feel a bit too mass-produced. Like. they cooould have just happen to have the same kind of look. But they’re not really fashionable for the era either, especially not in that color/fabric, so it doesn’t suuuper make sense to me. Another also is, wish they’d put like a tie/cravat on her. Could have been a pop of color that hearkens to his current tie. I just feel like it’s missing a little.. something so it’s not just tan on tan.

Anyway I was digging around for colorized fashion plates, and so here’s some other ones in the rough period (1890-1900) that I like and kind of wish they’d done more instead of just like tan-on-tan: 

(the attribution for the above I found said 1899) like I think a black skirt would have been nice with a coat like this, it would have looked smart, and would have hearkened to his suit he wears under the coat. Yes it’s not a long coat, but.. idk I think this works.

Another alternative

(attributed just as “late Victorian”?) like I think this one’s great, it looks like a plaly on menswear, so you have a little something that even looks similar to a modern tie, and it’s a bit more interesting than just unembellished tan on tan

this one looks like she’s wearing a tie/cravat kind of deal, so again, modern tie reference. The lapels can be adapted, and the embellishment on the skirt give the illusion of a long coat without it being an actual long coat.

I mean. I don’t mind the long coat, or even necessarily the fabric (though to my eye the fabric looks a biiit heavy to make the skirt out of also)

Here’s an extant suit in about the same color: https://thedreamstress.com/2016/11/rate-the-dress-tailored-details-in-1900/

but I think what makes it work is the like... shorter top, embellished skirt, and like. better fit sleeves lmao. Also, again, Castiel’s isn’t a suit set, so like that, plus the ill-fitting sleeves, really makes it kind of unflattering? Especially at the 3/4 angle, the way the sleeve blocks against her little bustle/bustle pad. Which is a shame, because from the front, it looks like they either have her in proper period underpinnings, or faked it well enough. edit: I do also want to say she looks rather.. deflated. Like, the fashionable silhouette of this era wasn’t achieved solely by corsets & lacing lmao, it was also done with padding, esp in the area between the bustline and the shoulder to really smooth out that area & fill it out, and the sleeves. And like, her coat clearly isn’t padded where it should be to really create that fashionable late-Victorian silhouette (and neither is Benjamin).

This is really roughly edited, but just imagine if we’d gotten a cute little neck thing, and a black skirt, and lmfao.. a coat that wasn’t fckn... floor-length (like, even just a midi-length like his modern coat, but worn open-ish towards the bottom or whatever):

Honestly even just a tiny. boop of blue at the collar is a HUGE improvement. Like, c’mon, it was perioddddd. Pls.

[scenics]

the fact that bbc treats fansites so poorly I think is a major issue. fansite pictures and fancams are so important for kpop groups. like think of hani and how much her fancams helped exid. bbc not letting fans record or take pictures at certain events not only makes fansites less likely to exist, but also makes it harder for fans to spread awareness of loona and their talent, etc.

////

this is complicated for me bcuz i don’t like or trust fansites, they’re like a necessary evil ....that i don’t like at all in the end. fansites are very beneficial to a company bcuz they don’t have to spend time or expenses on extra marketing, the fansite literally does everything they do and even more. but a fansite also has the invasiveness of paparazzi, they know what an idol is doing at all times and they can get very invasive (i’ve noticed more and more fansites being invasive over the past few years more than ever). for fansites, you can see the idol looking at them with absolute disgust, but those fansites get to meet them in person all the time during promos and the idol puts on a show for them even if they don’t like it (a necessary evil). after years of liking kpop i’ve become very wary of them and ultimately i don’t trust anyone (plus they all edit terribly i never feel bad about taking their pics and re-editing them). in addition, if you’ve been around for a bit there’s tons of bullying with fansites (it’s all a clique and they all share private info about the idols with each other, some are complicit even if they don’t actively act as a sasaeng). bbc has a terrible relationship with fansites bcuz of old loona sasaengs (in the end it’s for the girls safety so its just better id rather have that). also i don’t want more fansites for loona like hani. she really popped her pussy for her group and it was great but they gained so many male stans it makes me absolutely uncomfortable and their disgust when they meet their fansites is hard to swallow. i don’t really want loona to go thru hardcore male stans it’s awful (if they do get popular in korea it’s bcuz of men...and i hate that...some of the angles male fansites take of female idols are disgusting). in the end i want bbc and kpop companies in general to find a work around for fansites, something like how western celebs are able to have a fanbase without the stalker fansites most of the time and i think that just requires a good online presence in general (they barely have that). and i always feel like spreading awareness can be done without a fansite i want the idol to be comfortable and safe i don’t really need to see them at all times. honestly the only way i’d like a fansite to exist is if they only post good scans of the albums they get that’s it

[hellofaer]

sugar daddy! mario x cat boy! @shinsouplays

(not proofread)

mario used to have a happy life. keywords used to. he missed his best friend for life, luigi, who literally got scared to death. mario had told him he was concerned about his obsession with the haunted mansion but luigi just didn’t listen. his companion yoshi mysteriously disappeared after a big argument with his girlfriend at the time birdo. toad and toadette were tired of being in the kingdom all the time which resulted in them running away together. Mario missed all of them, but who did he miss the most? his wife- well, ex wife peach. he thought everything they had was genuine. until he found out that she was sleeping another man- that man was bowser. apparently peach was too scared to reject mario and was seeing a man in a lizard costume behind his back. she had used the “kidnappings” as an excuse. and he believed it. once he found out about her backstabbing he banished her from the kingdom, never to be seen again. he didn’t want to do it, because deep down in his heart the fire still burned aflame for her. but he knew he had to let her go, so he did. mario spent his time dwelling in the kingdom, a lot of the time being seen either crying or eating a lot of comfort meals. but because toad and toadette ran away, no one was there to check up on him. except for his old friend waluagi. it had been years since waluagi had seen his old pal and wanted to check up on him.

little did he know, that call would change his friends life.

brrrring! brrring! brrring!

mario ignored the ringing, his face smooshed down into his dirty pillow. he had cried the night before again, and felt absolutely no energy to pick it up. until it rang once more.

brrrring! brrring! brrring! brrr-

mario fiercely grabbed his phone and answered it without looking at the caller id.

“what the hell do you want?” mario asked in an annoyed tone. no one ever called him, why now?

it was silent for a moment and mario was about to hang up before he heard a gruff voice from the phone. “ah, hello? hello? is this, er, mario?” the gruff voice asked. wait a minute. mario recognized that voice. “WALUAGI?” he asked in surprised, sitting straight up so the blankets uncovered his hairy chest. again, no one had ever called him. he thought waluigi retired and lived at a nursing home.

a loud laugh erupted from the phone, causing mario to slightly pull the phone away from his big ass ear. “yeah! mario, how’s it goin? haven’t seen you, since.. er, the uh, peach days.” waluigi said, the enthusiasm in his voice going down at the end. even though mario was still sensitive about that topic, he was focused on his old pal calling him after years of no contact. he cleared his throat awkwardly. “er, yeah, i think so.” he said with a fake chuckle. “Why don’t i stop by the kingdom so we could chat huh? bring some of your favorite pasta, how about that?” waluigi suggested. he wanted to see how mario turned out honestly. people always spread rumors about how mario let himself go and became a downer but waluigi wanted to see that for himself. mario wasn’t expecting the offer though. mario usually wasn’t a self conscious person- again, until the whole peach situation- and he admits he got bigger and his mustache has gotten a bit wild. mario didn’t want his friend to see him like that, he wanted his friend to think, “wow, mario hasn’t changed since i’ve seen him!”

“Er, how about next week? I’ve got, uh, a lot of.. cleaning up to do! rabbits trashed the place.” mario said with a sigh, rolling his eyes. he feigned annoyance as if waluigi could see him. waluigi sensed that mario was lying, but shook the feeling off. “Heh, good luck with that bud. See you next saturday?” “next saturday, mhm.” mario confirmed, swinging his legs over the bed to slide his feet into his house slippers. “Got it. See you saturday, mario.” waluigi said gruffly, hanging up before mario even got a chance to respond. hearing a small beep, he threw his phone beside him and sighed. “It’s gonna be a long week.”

and he was right.

he worked out and got back into shape (listen ik that’s not realistic but it’s fucking fiction about mario and cat boy kouda alright) and even cleaned up a little bit. his mustache was trimmed and shiny again, and plus he fight into his old overalls and red long sleeves. he had a bit of brightness and life in his big blue eyes again, feeling new and improved. he had even made a little meal for him and waluigi. pancakes, bacon that was a little burnt, and some scrambled eggs with fresh orange juice. mario tried as much as he could to cook, as he was used to toad making his food. mario was just finishing setting the last glass of orange juice down when he heard a knock at the door. “coming!” mario said, hurrying to the kingdom door. he open it, revealing a hunched over old man in purple long sleeves and some overalls. even though his mustache pointed down instead of being high and pointy, you could still tell it was him.

“Waluigi!” he gave the fellow old man a hug. Mario would never admit it, but having arms around him felt nice and warm. “Long time no see, huh?” waluigi joked. they both chuckled, until mario pat waluigi on the back. “come on in, come on in, i made food!”

- time skip 🤩 -

“a what baby?” mario asked waluigi, confused. “a sugar baby. I think it’ll be, er, beneficial to you.” waluigi grumbled. Mario sighed, facing the computer in front of him. He was on http://SugarHoney.com, a website for sugar babies and sugar mommies/daddies to find each other. “How will giving someone my money benefit me?” waluigi laughed. “you won’t be the only one giving. they’ll give you love and support in return.” mario didn’t seem convinced, waluigi could tell by the “what the hell” look on his face. waluigi sighed. “Just look at the profiles, lots of cute boys and girls there yeah?” he suggested, leaning back into the chair. Mario sighed. “Alright.”

and mario scrolled and scrolled and scrolled. “There’s no one interesting enough here.” mario complained.

“Give it here!” waluigi said in annoyance, tugging the computer away from him. “That’s because you’re not looking at the premium people.” waluigi grumbled after looking at the profiles. “here.” waluigi clicked on the premium tab. the premium tab was exclusively for the, how should i say it, *interesting* people on the website. mario sighed, grabbing the computer to search profiles once again. a few minutes passed, and mario still hadn’t found anyone that interested him. his eyes were still glued to the screen though. “waluigi, i don’t think that anybody- mama mia!” if the 😍emoji was real, that would be mario’s face.

arkouda chisaki.

major.

loves pasta.

cat boy.

he had just found the perfect one for him.

——

arkouda was sitting in the drivers seat of his car with his friends, waiting to be next in line at wendy’s. “soo why did you decide to be a sugar baby again?”

sisi asked. “do you see how much money they make sisi?” even though the question was rhetorical, sisi shook her head. kouda rolled with it anyway. “a lot. a whole lot.” he answered, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel. “I wanna be a sugar baby.” jailani announced randomly, obviously intrigued. Kouda sighed. “Lani, you’re a minor. You can’t do that.” “No no no, but what if i just support them from a distance with encouraging words and they give me money!” “I would much rather get frog stuffed animals than money.” Khloe added, holding her own giant stuffed frog. Kouda only laughed. He pulled up to the drive thru of wendy’s, putting his car in park. “Alright, what do y’all want?” Kouda asked everyone, scratching his cat boy ears (🤩). “A strawberry lemonade!!”sisi answered with a warm smile on her face. “Just a sprite please!” khloe said, poking her head in the middle of sisi and kouda. “Baconator!“ lani responded.

After he ordered everyone’s food along with his chicken sandwich and a cherry mello yello, he drove by a little spot in the woods he knew of. kouda got out of the car, holding the bags of food while sisi and khloe held their drink and lani held a pink and white picnic blanket. They all headed towards their usual hang out spot in a comfortable silence, nearing closer and closer the clearing. lani set down the blanket, mumbling about how if she feels a bug on her she’ll sob. sisi and khloe laughed, setting their drinks down where they were going to sit. “Bugs aren’t that bad lani!” sisi said, sitting down behind her drink. “Yeah dude, they’re adorable.” kouda said, setting the bags down in the middle. Lani rolled her eyes, ignoring the twos words.

soon everyone was happily enjoying their meal/drinks, talking about trauma, character anons, memes and shit about each other. yknow, the normal stuff. until someone’s phone goes off.

Sisi looks at everyone like 👀 because she put her phone on silent. khloe took out her phone and checked her notifications, but quickly put it back away. “nope!” lani shook her head without even caring to look. “my ringtone isn’t boring like that.” she huffed. kouda rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone. he got one notification.

http://SugarHoney.com: You’ve got (1) daddy request! From: papamari0

[incarnateirony]

So while it’s still gonna be 2-3 days until I get my test results back, I figured I’d give people some insight on stuff about covid testing beyond vaguely yelling that it’s uncomfortable.

1. That CDC list of like 4 sad cold-like symptoms is garbage, that isn’t all they ask you about. Literally if you’re letting your family hold you back because you don’t explicitly have a “dry cough”, or your fever is /only/ running 99.6 so that’s NBD? Yeah, ignore that. Also remember, /people can be asymptomatic carriers./

2. This idea of 6 feet of social distancing really only applies in like, enclosed areas with no air draft. For example, when doing drive through testing, they make you turn off your air conditioning, because the aerosol affect can and will cycle it actively through a vehicle. If you’re exactly 6 feet away from someone that’s a carrier and a big wind draft comes by, it can still blow shit your way. 

Notes on the actual testing process: 

UAB is running drivethru testing in several areas. UAB was also on top of this shit before it ever surfaced in the US while the politicians were denying it, and UAB developed one of the drugs being tested in China with some success. In fact, the UAB infectious disease chief of staff used to like, live across the street from where I am right now. But that’s a whole other aside.

That said, UAB isn’t playing around. Your local institutions may have something similar. Don’t be shy about calling, though find what your *local hotline* is, try googling like “Covid testing near [city]”, because the stupid Health Department loop will send you on a circular circus forever.

In the case of how mine worked, there was a pre-screener via phonecall that asks for symptoms or reasons for concern. In my case, it was a list of things including headache, body ache, dizziness, feeling like I’m living in an eternal hangover, fatigue and yes, finding out we had contact with someone who turned up covid positive.

The last one kinda got my wife throwing a bit of a tizzy because she started arguing in the background they never touched while I had to cut her off, because really guys, I promise, you don’t need direct contact, and I think my wife figured that out at the drive thru process. But that alone IS enough of a keyword to go to the next screener stage.

They set an appointment and don’t want you to show up more than 15 early. In our case, UAB has an emergency radio station that bilingually broadcasts basic starter directions including having your ID ready, not rolling down your window, turning off your AC and, when you DO have to roll down your window, *DO NOT TALK TO THEM*. They know you’re thankful or whatever so keep your diseased mouth shut, because things the CDC AREN’T telling you right now is even asymptomatic people can have such dense manifestation of the virus in their throat that you’re basically just actively breathing clouds of this shit. So keep your face shut, keep your AC off.

I really, REALLY wanted to communicate this part to the crowd because I don’t feel like people are grokking how easy it is to circulate-jet this stuff over public spaces. One motherfucker sneezes near a vent, see what fucking happens.

Anyway, after that they slap a test baggy compared to your ID on your car, flag you forward, then have you call a doc or nurse practicioner that reviews your symptoms and reason for testing again because of test kit shortage. The doc will be outside of your car with an ipad or something like it tallying down your symptoms, reasons and keywords. Don’t lie, but be willing to be a little less than specific, because they KNOW these things are vague but also have to disqualify you. If you’ve had contact with someone that turned up covid positive, *say that*, don’t split hairs over how direct it was; it doesn’t mean That Specific Friend is at fault either, you could have touched the wrong gas station door, but that’s a huge qualifier to get tested, even if they ask who and where, you’ll have a name but GENERALLY SPEAKING THEY ARE TOO OVERLOADED TO CARE. If you have a cough, don’t split hairs over if it’s a wet or dry cough.

And DON’T pass up listing other symptoms you don’t see listed on stupid CDC/WHO/whatever sites. I had introduced it with my 3 day headache, and later on she cycled back to ask again if I had any headache, which I reminded her and yup, guess what, fuck the CDC, that’s apparently a flag checker. Body aches, low grade fever, various coughs, fatigue, headaches-- apparently nausea and diarrhea, though I had dismissed my previous nausea and didn’t have the latter. You don’t need any/all of these tbh, but I just can’t emphasize enough how utterly incomplete the listing is and it led to my own family well-intendedly gaslighting me out of my symptoms which, like, 3 pre-screen rounds later got me put through.

They don’t even just have N-95 masks, they have those plastic visor ones on top. They ain’t playing. Even the cars get distanced where possible. One person per car is tested here and they say if you turn up positive, presume everyone in your household is positive. So like, those numbers you see on the counters? Aren’t really scratching the surface because like, for every test there, that whole family is now considered infected.

The shit’s like the flu swab on steroids. You WILL get a nose bleed. I wouldn’t call it painful but it’s super uncomfortable so like if you’re in it you better damn well commit. Your face will probably feel funny for the rest of the day from nerves being pushed weird, or I know mine did.

Anyway that said, I’m still waiting on test results but I figured I’d put some stuff out that might help people/clarify shit. It IS possible to get testing but you have to search out resources to do it and navigate carefully.

Also check out what methods are being used to regulate ventilator availability in your area and don’t screw yourself. I fully admit I sidelined through my questions when asked if I had previous conditions by mentioning undiagnosed/in pursuit issues causing arrhythmia etc, without deadass being like “Yeah hi we’re pretty sure I have a major heart condition” because in my area, those are the first people denied ventilators, so I’d rather be marked down as generally at risk without being NOBREATHYTUBEFORYOU axed off in the system. So check how your local authorities or med systems are regulating shit and be careful how you phrase things.

I’ve never been so damn thirsty in my life so if this a general flu and not covid it’s still a big yikes. Electrolyte solutions can and will be a lifesaver regardless. Someone I know, their brother got it, and he started losing a pound a day in waterweight despite drinking water by the gallon, so HYDRATE GUYS, HYDRATE.

[rosesanthology]

Escape Plan | Matsukawa Issei x F!Reader [mafia!AU]

This took me SO MUCH TIME to write aaaaaah it's not surprising that it's so long :0 i just have many many feelings for Matsukawa Issei ALSO im begging y'all to listen to the playlist before/as you read please !!

Im kinda pissed that i cant add a "read more" option since im on mobile tho :\

(Also ngl at first i planned to get one of the 2 shot but i didn't have the heart to go thru with it)

Warnings : Fluff, it starts with humor but at some point it gets angsty ???? Idk y'all tell me

- Au that could be considered as a ennemies-to-lovers type of situation

[Tags] : @raevaioli and @haikoo like i cannot stress this enough @haikoo this your main manz

- if you could only use one sentence to describe your job to a Karen it would be : stealing from the rich in order to trick other rich people

- you had been what the people would call a spy for most of your life now, the Tokyo based Nekoma Organisation being something close to a family

- you worked with both of your very good friends, Kuroo Testurou and Kozume Kenma

- Kuroo, the leader of your little squad, had been the first one to open up to you when you joined

- he was a gifted chemistry genius and you were sure he could make any poison or soporific out of the most random stuff

- he also had insane combat and physical abilities which made him fit to act in a lab as well as on mission grounds

- Kenma was a little more reserved at first, he was the same age as you but still was really reluctant to accept you as one of his own at first

- when he saw how much Kuroo trusted you and how interested you were in his work he slowly but surely found himself caring for you

- to put it simply Kenma, better known as "apple pi" was a hacker. His job ranged from creating computer viruses to full on enabling the security of whole museums

- despite his cute appearance and shy demeanor he was probably the scariest of you three

- finally, you Y/L L/N was the infiltration and weapons expert of the group, you could weild literally anything from guns, to swords to,,,,,metal rods (but you don't wanna talk about this one) and you were of great help when deciding which infiltration angle was the best in missions

- Kuroo, under the orders of Boss Nekomata, quickly taught you the dangers and ways of the job during your first months working with them, the organisation specializing in outsmarting rich bastards and stealing their precious ressources in order to make "better use of them"

- if they were hoarding a particularly efficient brand of medicine, your goal was to steal it all, and sell it to people in need for free or a low price

- if they were in possession of some important object like let's say,,,,,the construction plans for the emperor's new vacation house, you stole it, made copies to sell at a high price to the highest bidder and your good affiliate, the Fukurodani Corporation would keep an eye on the original as part of their personnal collection, you were fine with that

- yeah they were others organisations like that in Tokyo, your friends from the Fukurodani Corp of course but also the Shiratorizawa elite crime group with who you had worked a couple times before

- ah and there was the Yakuzas too....honestly they were the only group in Tokyo with whom you were still on dangerous terms with

- they didn't like Nekoma in their affairs and you didn't like them in yours, but you tolerated each other

- your boss had established a truce with the representant of the big Yakuza group of your area, Kondo "the viper" Takara, a truly scary woman who had blasted her way to the one of the top positions of the hierarchy

- she even had a cool nickname ヾ(｀ε´)ノ

- but you knew better than to mess with them

- all in all y'all kept doing your jobs well, not bothering anybody

- except for one remaining rivalry with some Miyagi group

- the Aoba Johsai Institution.

- well, rivalry would be a strong word because you kinda got along with that Iwaizumi guy, he was a great hand to hand combat fighter and you respected that

- the others however ? Trash. 👁3👁

- they seem to act like Tokyo will be their territory in the next 5 seconds flat like ??

- THEY DON'T EVEN GO THERE ????

- "they be acting like they can just swoop in and eat OUR rich" you had told Kuroo and Kenma one day over ramen

- spoiler alert : it was a bad idea cause Kuroo snorted and almost made the noodles go up his nose

- no but seriously they always seemed to take advantage of YOUR missions to attract attention

- how did they even know which missions you were on anyway ??? (Kenma and Kunimi are actually good friends cause they play video games together but he'd never tell you that)

- it's like that one time you infiltrated a business company's heir's residence and then you came across a dude named Hanamaki and you had the HARDEST time whisper shouting to him how blowing up the whole place was a bad idea to retrieve one (1) diamond

- at the end you felt so tired that you gave it to him anyway ಥ_ಥ ("just take it ffs" "really ??" "Don't make me regret this")

- they also had the single worst person ever on one of their teams.

- Matsukawa Issei

- just thinking about it made you want to take your metal bat and break something in your shared room with your two other friends

- seriously that guy was like the epitome of clownery

- he's also supposed to be his team's gun expert except that's not the best task for someone who refuses to take anything with him but his freaking FISTS

- the first time you had met y'all ended up being on the same case to assassinate some guy who had kidnapped some cute freckled kid from a place in Miyagi called Karasuno

- EXCEPT HE WAS IN TOKYO SO IT WAS YOUR DUTY !!! NOT HIS !!!!

- you had Kenma on the earbud telling you about the guy's position in the club you were currently one street away from. You were posted on the rooftop of a building with a sniper rifle ready to get done with it and go save the kid but GUESS WHO COMES IN FISTS SWINGING WHEN YOU LITERALLY HAD THE TARGET IN SIGHT

- and he had the nerve to look straight toward your rifle's aim and flip you off while smirking

- sir you're about to catch these hands🚶🏽

- he had knocked him out alright and he got the young boy out but you were NOT ready to let that slide so you quickly got down and crossed path with him at the back exit of the club

- "what exactly do you think you were doing in there ?" Listen. You may have sounded confident enough saying that but you had NO idea that this dude was like a whole ass giraffe

- and he knew he was tall so he had the audacity to say

- "sorry can't hear you so well from down there midget, i was just doing my job (▰˘◡˘▰)" if it weren't for the karasuno boy being right there you would have stabbed his kneecaps on sight

- anyway after that y'all just seemed to run into each other wayyyy too often

- insults were shared just as often tho

- "well butter my buns and call me betty broker if it isn't my sweet little midget shooting people !"

- "stfu before i choke you"

- "kinky but can you reach my neck ?"

- "you've sunk low enough"

-so yeah f u n  t i m e s

- aside from that, business was going great but Kuroo had had news of a very important mission for you but he insisted on letting Boss Nekomata tell you about it himself for some reason

- he'd never done that :(

- you were kinda hurt that your best friend was hiding stuff from you tbh :(

- and Kenma did not seem to know more than you for now

- so you spent a whole week just mopping around

- sometimes you would go and poke fun and the newbie Lev Haiba but it wasn't the same

- Kuroo and Kenma kept working on missions while you were left waiting for that one assignment that Nekomata seemed to keep you for

- until today when Kuroo finally told you that the boss was requesting you in his office

- ngl you were EXCITED

- maybe you would have to zipline down the Tokyo tower (σ≧▽≦)σ maybe he was going to let you take a chainsaw with you this time (σ≧▽≦)σ

- maybe he- "oh" you deadpanned, stepping foot into the office and seeing none other than your arch nemesis, Matsukawa Issei in all his pisces clown glory

- "why tf are you there shitty eyebrows"

- "i had a good day too Y/N ! thanks for asking :D" today was the day. You were 100% ready to kill him and the knife that was attached to your thigh strap seemed like such a good option rn-

- "stop it you two. Y/N take a sit" Nekomata gestured, as you didn't hesitate to listen to your superior even fully aware of Mattsun's eyes annoyingly following your every movement

-"Okay so. Y/N i know you may be wondering why Matsukawa's here but to put it simply we've been informed that a rich family have gotten their hands on one of Aoba Johsai's rarest item : a gold engraved katana that belonged to their first boss"

- "so what do you need us for ?" You didn't mean to use "us" but you knew better than to piss off your boss, he was like a parental figure come on

- "i need you guys to infiltrate an auction held by said family and steal it back in the span of one week. It's up to you to work together or not but keep in mind that our arrangement states that we're autorised to make copies of the katana for future sells."

- you guys nodded, after all you were professionnals before everything and you were about to leave when Nekomata put something on the table

- "here are the keys to your appartment near the auction site it'll be your hideout !"

-.....now this had to be a cruel joke-

- "id rather sleep under a bridge then live with her for a whole week"

- "wow this is the first time we agree on something Mattsun" the oh so familiar nickname dripped in venom as you said it, unsure of what was supposed to happen

- "oh yes you could but i suppose that you don't have the supplies and tools that you will definitely need during that mission :)"

- you locked eyes with the brunette for a minute before reluctantly stomping to the table and grabbing hold of the keys and adress written on a paper, storming out of the door,  letting out a loose "come on shitty eyebrows we have data to collect" to your new....partner ? Ugh it was about to be a long week

-  it turns out the appartment was a lot smaller than you hoped for, with two single person beds, a computer post and different storing purposed furniture

- it was a common thing however, because the last thing an undercover spy would want is to draw attention with a flashy hideout

- the first step was to gather information on who would be at the auction which shouldnt be too hard

- "hey ill take the lead and contact my friend so that he can determine who is going to be here" you said as you sat on the chair in front of the computer

- "mm yeah you do that ill check what kind of weapons have been provided to us" Mattsun had no difficulty finding them as the drawers well full of them....this was very promising

- Kenma had just sent you the list of people that had been invited to the event, and you recognised many names as being members of the powerful Yakuza group lead by Konda Takara, of course.....the infamous viper herself

- you called out to Mattsun to show him and briefly explained what they were up too and how they usually fonctionned

- the auction was to take place the last 3 days after an opening party, leaving the rest of the week for preparations

- they usually took their time in comitting their crimes so you thought that stopping them mid plan by taking advantage of it was the best way to get the sword

- Mattsun didn't have anything to say for the moment, seemingly thoughtful about the whole situation

- "just so you know" you started, already regretting the decision of talking in your head, "i don't plan on being friends with you anytime soon but i feel like for this we should at least try not to rip each other's hair out"

- "i never planned on that second option"

- "huh ?"

- "i hope you know that we've never had a single conversation without insults of some kind before so for the sake of both of us it would be better to actually get to know each other since we're supposed to work together"

- you hated to admit it

- but he was right

- however you didn't comment on it, opting for throwing him a dry "let's sleep" before plopping yourself on your own bed on the other side of the room

- this is about to be one hell of a week

-3 days had passed in the crammed appartement both you and Mattsun struggling to inform yourself on each specific individual that was going to be present at the auction

- right now, you were both sitting on the floor, wearing simple oversized shirts and pyjama pants and shorts, cheese pizza box laying on top of the document covered surface

- "Mattsun, pass me the paper about Okuda Takeda please" :000

- Matsukawa froze, because he knew that in 2 days of living together y'all had establised that you wouldn't be at each other's throats

- but hearing you using his nickname unironically and saying please ???? That was still something he had to get used to

- "what are you staring at ? Give me the paper shitty eyebrows >:[" ah there she was

- "thats my girl" he thought, handing you the document and resuming his own reading

- here's the catch : Mattsun was head over heels in love with you since like day 1 that Hanamaki told him about this pretty girl who let him take the diamond from his mission. He tried to repress his feelings as he had noticed that you seemed way closer with your friend Kuroo who he had seen on missions with you

- maybe you liked him

- he would understand, he seemed way more confident than him and he was also probably way smarter since he was a genius and all

- also the way you were always soft to him and not Matsukawa kinda got to him

- he wanted you to hug HIM after a mission too and NOT insult him

- but he judged it for the better as he still got to be close to you in his own way with the playful fights you always seemed to pick with him

- it was easier than confronting his feelings or rejection

- this mission proved to make things so much harder for him tho

- like yeah he saw you being a badass plenty of other times but now ?

- he got to see you being all clingy and grumpy in the morning (he never knew being called a dumbass while you were falling back asleep on his shoulder was his thing but hey) , got to see your nose scrunch up when you were focusing on mapping out the position of the vent system of the venue

- he could go on for hours about how much he loved you and your plan was not making it easy.....profiting off the yakuzas' plan took way too much waiting and he understood that you wanted it to go as well as possible but he just couldn't keep living like this until then

- it felt like torture

- and he did not want to see you in that gorgeous dress that you were supposed to wear at the auction during the infiltration

- he knew that a couple more days could drive him crazy and make him do dumb shit like kissing you

- he had thought about that a lot of times but never brought himself to do it because je knew it was pointless

- he had to take action now

- the night of the opening ceremony, the day before the Yakuzas would start their scheme

- both of you were laying in your beds, awake, that was a habit you had developped over the past nights, you were just, aware of each other's presence and then sometime you would ask him something about his life, his friends, himself

- it made his heart beat too fast everytime and he could feel himself falling even more by the second when he heard you giggling talking about the time you pulled a prank on your friend Yaku with Kuroo

- he knew that you were already very sleepy from the way you were slurring your words

- "Y/N do you hate me ?" He said, abruptly and he heard a strangled laugh coming from you followed up by the question

- "what's that for dummy ?"

- "please answer" he asked in a whisper, sounding almost desperate

- you took a second to think about it

-you had grown quite close to your tall partner in such a short period of time, even letting your guard down and stopping from being so defensive

- "i don't hate you....i could never" you said the last part more to yourself tho but Matsukawa didn't miss it, he wished he did as he heard the soft sighs coming from your now sleeping form

- his heart ached as he got up, putting on his black coat over his mathing turtleneck shirt, taking his gun and spare map of the auction venue

- you were totally going to hate him now....

- and then he left for the opening party

- the rain was pouring outside

- for some reason you couldn't sleep well that night

- that only happened whenever Kuroo was out on a mission at night or Kenma was working in his office

- you hated sleeping alone, you couldn't do it

- being alone was the one thing you dreaded the most in your life, death was nothing if nobody knew where you were, if nobody aknowledged your existence you weren't alive

- but Mattsun was there and you trusted him.

- yeah you were kind of an ass to him during like 90% of your interactions with him but you just didn't know how to talk to him ??? He was so strong and good at what he did so you couldn't help but feel admiration but also intimidation

- yet you've felt probably more comfortable with him than anyone in your life (yes even Kuroo and Kenma weirdly enough)

- it was a nice feeling

- maybe it was because you saw him differently than them...

- but anyway

- you felt like yourself around him

- and yet

- why couldn't you sleep ?

- "Mattsun ?" You called out to him, voice cracked from not having used it for a while

- no answer

- maybe he didn't hear you over the rain....?

- you had a bad feeling about this

- "Mattsun ?" You called out a little louder, sitting up

- yep definitely

- you turned on the light and to your surprise, Matsukawa was nowhere in sight

- your heart sunk at the realization

- you were alone

- what about the plan ? Ah its true that he never said anything about it

- did he not trust you enough with it ? Did he think you were too assertive ?

- you wanted to cry but it seemed as if your brain wasn't working, your body rushing on its own to check the date and time on your phone : past 10pm on thursday night.....

- the opening party !

- "shit shit shit he must have gone there to take them by surprise wtf is he thinking doing this alone?" You thought aloud, maybe it would trick your body into not being scared

- at this point you were terrified, rushing to get the red dress on as well as putting your 2 guns under each of your thigh straps

- is he alone ? Surrounded by highly trained and dangerous Yakuzas ? What if....you were too late ?

- you didn't have time to think too much about it as you knew that this kind of thoughts led nowhere.

- you had to infiltrate that party the fastest you've ever done in your life and see for yourself, luckily, the venue was only a few crossroads away from your appartment

- truth was Mattsun's plan was not so bad

- after all you had insisted on making him find info on every staff member there too so it's thanks to you if he just so happened to know what type of guy that one waitress liked in order to flirt with her and convince her that he had forgotten his watch in one of the closed off aeras of the venue

- the place was absolutly gigantic, after all it was a mansion bought will illegal money

- he hated this, he just wanted to get it over with, retrieve the sword, gtfo and go back to Miyagi forever so that he wouldn't feel the pain of the illusion of being by your side when you were clearly far ahead of him

- you'd always been anyway

- he had finally reached the generator room and opened the vents with much difficulty as the room was a mess of cardboard boxes and storage shelves

- he was just going to cut the power, which would take about 15 minutes to get back, allowing him to go thru the vents to the main hall that was right thru the wall to his side, retrieve the sword and just make a run for it

- hopefully the rain would cover most of the sound he made so that was even better

- see that would have been great if he hadn't felt the icy cold metal of a gun at the nape of his neck as he was fiddling with the generator

- he had been caught.

- it was the end.

- shit he fucked the whole mission over and now even you didn't have a chance to-

- "what exactly do you think you're doing Mattsun ?" You said coldly even tho the hurt in your tone didnt go unnoticed by the taller man

- "haha Y/N whatchu doing here on this fine night ? You look stunning btw"

- "Cut the crap shitty eyebrows i asked you a question"

- you finally lowered your gun allowing your harsh glare to show how upset you truly were

- damn, Matsukawa really felt shitty :\

- he'd never seen you like that- well not soaked from the rain but....so vulnerable to him

- all your feelings talks happened in the dark of night in your hideout, he'd never seen your face look so pained before

- "I did what was best for both us..."

- "bullshit." He wasn't sure that he believed himself either to be honest

- "what the fuck are you even doing anyway ? I thought you and i were in this mission together ?? Did nothing matter to you ? I finally think that i found someone who i could trust other than my fucking family and that's what you do ? Ditch me for your own profit ?? You did what was best for your damn self Matsukawa"

- you were upset. He got it really, his insecurities had gotten the best of him like they often did....except he didn't have the strength to confront them, to confront you about it. So he got it and he didn't retaliate.

- "so what ?? You're not even going to say anything ?? Not even TRY to fucking apologize ? Do you really don't care ?" You searched for his eyes, but little did you know that he just....couldn't talk nor maintain eye contact with you right now

- "Mattsun...i thought you and i had...something ? I don't know maybe i hallucinated or some shit but i thought we were at least friends you know ? D-did you ever tolerate me at all ?"

- your voice cracked, it got lower and it cracked, and at that moment he was sure his heart broke right at this instant too

- he wanted to tell you that that was the farthest thing from the truth

- he wanted to tell you that he loved you

- but you were too far. Once again, you were miles ahead of him, more than ever

- and the sound of voices coming from the corridor did NOT HELP

- you could not afford being found here so with the professionalism left in you, you pushed your feelings away and pulled Mattsun behind a shelf, crouching and waiting

- you were so close he could feel you shivering from the cold and he felt so so bad

- but now was not really the moment

- "didn't you hear shouting ?" Shit. Maybe you should have waited until getting out of here for your heart to heart because this guard was definitely not trippin

- there were 2, luckily they didn't have the idea to split up to search the room, all you had to do was move low and close to the walls in order reach the door and well....the katana literally could not matter less to any of y'all rn

- at this moment you really regretted going out in such a hurry completly forgetting to contact Kenma, he could have hacked into the camera system and told you were they were so easily.....

- anyway, despite that you guys were stealthy enough to get out if the room

- now the problem was getting out of here.....

- you held Mattsun's wrist loosely as you ran thru the corridor of the building, thunder raging and labored breathing filling the silence

- "Y/N we could get out from the rooftop !" Right....if you could only get there then maybe you could just parcour your way out of this by getting on other rooftops....damn you were glad Matsukawa always thought of every escape plan possible

- you didn't really mean what you said earlier

- yes, you were disappointed but, you were also scared for his dumbass

- and rn may not be the best moment to realize it as you were most likely in a life of death situation but....you loved him

- fuck you loved him so much that you were running in a goddamn dress right now

- "i truly hoped it wasn't you" said a voice from the end of the lobby

- of course it just had to be the Yakuza boss you dreaded so much

- Kondo was just standing there, arms crossed but you knew better than to take her lightly

- "did you come to retrieve it ?" Its funny how her voice seemed to dominate even the full on storm outside, the occasional lightning bolt shining light from the huge windows into the corridor

- "No....let us pass please we just want to leave" Mattsun felt how tensed you were and immediatly rested his hand on his gun handle under his coat

- "yeah sure sweetheart but only if you tell your guard dog to calm down unless he wants me to cut his fingers clean off" she threatened nonchalantly as her hand met the handle of her own katana strapped to her belt

- Matsukawa was deadass glaring at her so hard you didn't recognise him

- he honestly looked like he could take her on but...you didn't feel like testing this theory tonight

- "hey hey, it's alright" you soothed him, putting your hand on his arm and squeezing slightly

- it seemed to work because he quickly let go of his gun even tho he was still glaring

- "let us go" he said firmly

- she pushed herself out of the way and motionned with her arm as if to say "go on~" in the most theatrical way

- you passed her without issues and soon found yourself on the roofs as planned in Mattsun's escape route and made it safely to the streets, rain still pouring

- you were finally letting out a breathe you didn't know you were holding all this time

- you were alive and most importantly, so was he

- you turned around and were ready to say something when he cut you off by grabbing your arms and pulling you into a kiss

- it was short but it managed to get his point across very well as well as warm you up when he wrapped his arms around your waist, resting his forehead against yours

- "i love you Y/N....i swear i didn't mean to hurt you and put you in danger like that....if i knew i would have done things differently i-"

- "i love you too Mattsun and it's never been a problem to me, i've done way more dangerous things in my life than rescue my boyfriend from getting killed dummy"

- in the end, you weren't alone

- somehow he had become, your escape plan from it

[pinkykitten]

I was tagged by @writing-with-melon I hope my answers aren’t complete waste or if time and if so I’m sorry and I love you

Rules: Answer ten 10 questions, ask 10, and tag 10 people

1. What song automatically plays in your head when you look out the window on a long drive? 

i dont really have an answer for this. i think i just automatically think about any song ive been listening to recently or any song that has been stuck in my head. 

2.  Do you have some snacks nearby when you write?

well i live in a two story house so the kitchen is downstairs and im usually lazy busy so since i have a mini fridge upstairs i just usually get water to drink while im writing. its kinda hard to eat and write cuz i loose focus really easily so when i am writing i am writing! i am in the zone! but if i am a little hungry ill usually snack on candy like chocolate kinder joys i love them but they r so expensive or snack on chips but i get like salt on my fingers or i like cheetos so cheetos dust and that just gets everywhere and later my hands and keyboard kinda smell like fart. 3. What do you do to combat creative burnout?

so burnout happens to me a lot so to get inspiration i either read other stories or fanfics which gets my head gears turning or i admire a piece of art or photography or a song. whats so unique and satisfying with writing you can explore and go anywhere with it, hehehe erotic if you know what i mean lol jk there are no barriers with writing just your imagination. there is inspiration any where you go and id advise to never stop writing. even if its a few short sentences or paragraphs about anything even bird poop its still progression and your mind is working and your searching for words like its all good for you bby.  4. Do you use (or like to use) prompts? 

i do ill put the link here. im thinking of changing it though to do something different. 

5. What is your favorite place to write?

lol boring, i know but my room. my room is really bright in the mornings and comfortable and chill and i have a candle of the pandora ride in disney that smells like the ride so its all good and relaxing and super peaceful plus i have a picture of myself the age of like 9 on my desk idk why but it encourages me and makes me focus to make sure i never get that cringy again. 

6. What is a hobby or yous that you usually don’t talk about?

well i like working out HAHAHAHAHA jk that was a joke...get it...cuz i much rather be eatingokillstop. but i really like to draw which i have a art page you can see it if you click here pls look at my failed attempts to be hip and cool with the cool kids and being artsy fartsy. another hobby is i really like to do makeup and nail art, nail art is really tough guys no joke if you do it like you got wizard powers are something. maybe its bc my nails are shorter than pete davidson and ariana grande’s relationship, alright im trying to stop i swear!

7. Do you play an instrument? Which one?

no i wish though. i always wanted to learn to either play the piano or electric guitar cuz H.E.R looks so cool doing it. 

8. How do you feel about your handwriting?

it sucks dont even try me. my sister can barely read it like no wonder nobody wants to steal my signature heck they can’t even read it!

9. Can you tell us of a story that marked your development as a person? As a writer?

ok sit back guys, sniff a nice amount of crack and get ready for the most cringy moment of my life but also a time when i knew i was meant to be *inhale* a fanfic writer. 

so it was elementary school, i think 3rd grade and for my writing assignment we were given a prompt of idk what the heck tbh i think it was like be outside the box and im like ok imma nail this cuz im a weird child and yeah so i got my papers and pencil and i went TO TOWN on this paper. so i wrote two stories. one short story with a picture to go with it and one long story that yeah i buried years ago. so my first story was about a farmer was about that farming life. he had chickens and dairy. so i cant remember if the cheese was spoiled but doesnt matter. anywho these cheese and a chicken were alive like they could talk in the story and i gave them faces, yikes. but the whole story was the farmer was a b*tch and he was trying to eat the chicken and cheese so they hatched a plan to get away from the farmer. they did it successfully and they ran away. yay happy ending my teacher actually liked that one me too and my school mates were thinking what they heck is this girl on i made a story about how me and justin bieber made cookies for Christmas you know. so then my other story i was more proud of this one cuz it was a tone of paper, sorry trees, and this story was about how a female hippo (girl i was all about plus size and thicker girls and no body shaming) and an male ostrich were kidnapped from their own habitats and taken to become circus animals. failed version of Madagascar hey mine was before the circus movie OK THEY STOLE IT FROM MEEEEE. so they get taken and are treated to harsh punishment and the animals can talk and i think its in the point of view of the male ostrich guy thing. they are in the circus and they start to have this relationship happening. love starts blossoming its all good. im happy with this cuz i believed in love at age of 8. they find a way thru a kick butt scene of the animals escaping and the hippo and ostrich are so in love that they run away together and they have half hippo half ostrich babies and i think i named the species  hipstrich or like ostppo idk but i was so proud of this story and when my teacher read it she was worried about me lol i think she thought i might like mate these two animals like secretly idk but she was like it was ok and i was like what this is frickin William Shakespeare writing or like F. Scott Fitzgerald writing. nevertheless it taught me a lesson that nobody else needs to like what im writing the main point and only thing that matters is if your proud of it and you like it and i really did. i will remember that story forever and thats what made me want to be a writer. lol sorry that was a lot. 

10. @emdop I’m going to use this great question: Explain one of your WIPs in the most ridiculous way possible. 

wellllll im working on my peaky blinders oc story its a lot of drugs money killing weapons jewelry rich profanities like its the show but written from my stubby hands so my oc and whatever its great and so excited to show it to you guys. 

MY QUESTIONS:

1. WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO START TUMBLR?

2. IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING OF THIS WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

3. WHAT QUALITY IS IMPORTANT TO YOU?

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OUTFIT?

5. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE?

6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG IN THE WHOLE WORLD?

7. IF YOU COULD VISIT A PLACE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?

8. WHAT SHOW OR MOVIE UNIVERSE WOULD YOU WANT TO BE IN?

9. WHAT IS THE SCARIEST MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE?

10. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE IN THIS WORLD THAN ANYTHING ELSE?

im tagging: @thatlittlered, @ardentmuse, @acciosnapes, @lotsoffandomimagines, @collecting-stories, @blog-of-a-multitude-of-fandoms, @naughtyneganjdm, @lenahellgizibe and two random followers @spiritsent, @sucker-for-my-fandoms

i was tagged by @writing-with-melon again ty btw, ps i felt so much pressure lol jk 😊

Rules: Answer 5 questions, Ask 5 questions, Tag 5 people.

1. What is your favorite book?

fifty shades of grey hahaha naw my favorite book is obv you all know this is series of unfortunate events but i never usually cry period and i never cry for books ever so when i read mrs. tom thumb by melanie benjamin, its the part when her sister minnie dies i cried so hard idk it was just emotional the wording the way she described her pain it was so beautiful written yet so sad and that was just amazing to me cuz im like this book made me feel things and im like wow i would love to write a book one day and make someone feel something whether it be sadness anger happiness annoyance anything they are having an emotion and that is super powerful to do that with just words. pls go check out that book its a good read. also im a fan of the greatest showman so i really enjoyed it. there are many other books tho that i thoroughly enjoy so much. 

2. What piece that you’ve written are you most proud of?

oh my god ive always wanted to be asked this question hands down i am always proud of my platonic gender neutral tony stark fic called in·con·sol·a·ble window to me i wrote it so sad and i was feeling like depressed lol when i saw peter die in infinity war like i didnt know what to do with my life tbh but im so glad that @impetrichorny requested it tysm i just like how its not based on romance or fluff or happiness it is based on when you lose someone the nightmares and sadness you go through and that there is nothing nobody can do about it except just be there for that person so i really like writing angst and something that was out of the box. ive been thinking tho of doing a part two since the fate of all the characters has changed after endgame. who knows tho. 

3. What is the last song that inspired you? 

well for art it would have to good news by mac miller when i did that kobe bryant memorial on my art page. i dont want to give it away though but ill just say some very powerful womens music inspired my oc writing and making. 

4. How do you feel about letting people read what you write?

at first i was scared cuz i thought i wrote like trash which that feeling kinda doesnt go away like some days i feel that way others i feel confident or it depends on the request it just depends but anyways i was always insecure about my writing so when i started writing it was more like lets see how this goes if not ill delete the whole page. im glad to say it went great but in the begging it was hard cuz i kept putting myself down but i learned to accept or just understand that you keep learning with writing you always learn knew things with writing how you can explain something better or you words get more intricate and people see the improvement and you do too thats why i applaud those who dont speak english that english isnt their first language. you are doing a tremendous job and keep practicing cuz you’re gonna make it to the top. ive also learned that some days are not my days and you can take time off when youre not feeling it when you have writers block. just recollect your juices sip some tea go to the beach relax your mind a little and take as long as you need to come back and give it your all. also comments and reblogs and likes a follows those meant so much to me and encouraged me. thats why i cant express it enough how much all those mean to writers, artist, photographers, anybody who is truly trying their hard in this area of social media. its makes a person happy smile and confident in their writing but first train your mind into loving what you make not what others thing. you have to be happy with the outcome that is what truly matters and what makes your writing the best. look at me getting philosophical. 

5. Do you get distracted easily? If yes with what?

yes and with porn haha i get distracted easily like very easily homeschooling was really tough for me. music distracts me, netflix, the urge to watch david dobrik or unus annus or buzzfeed unsolved on youtube, heck my farts distract me. i gotta be like troy bolton i gotta get my HEAD IN THE GAME!

MY QUESTIONS:

1. IF YOU COULD BE NAMED SOMETHING ELSE, WHAT WOULD YOU BE NAMED?

2. WHAT PERSON INSPIRES YOU THE MOST?

3. IF YOU KNEW THE WORLD WAS ENDING TOMORROW WHAT WOULD YOU DO TODAY?

4. WHAT DO YOU OFTEN THINK ABOUT IN THE SHOWER?

5. WHATS YOUR WEIRD COMBINATION FOOD?

im tagging: @thatlittlered​, @ardentmuse​, @acciosnapes​, @lotsoffandomimagines​, @collecting-stories​ AND WHOEVER WANTS TO DO THIS IF YOU FOLLOW ME OR LIKE MY STORIES TAG ME ILL READ YOUR ANSWERS. HOPE I DID THIS RIGHT SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING MWUAH 

[noladyme]

Skip To My Lou, My Darling - Chapter 7, This Is How You Remind Me Of What I Really Am I

The road so far...

Lulu has somewhat settled in to the bunker with the Winchesters - the ever affectionate Dean, and his sick brother, Sam - after facing both vampires, demons and a frozen ghost. Frustrated from all training and no actual hunting, she seeks out something for herself. But when she meets the scribe of God, her world - once again - is turned upside down.

Our story continues in season 9.

Tag list  @edonaspanca​ @wonderlandfandomkingdom​

I

“… with the fall a witness/keeper (translation unclear) will be chosen; and she will come to know them all by their grace…” - Kevin Tran’s translation from old Enochian, from the angel tablet; handwritten by God’s scribe.

---

“No”. “Yes!”. “It’s not happening”. “Dean, come on…!”.

A month after our incident in Sioux Falls, Dean was still sore about me driving his car without his say so. It had been 15 of the most thrilling minutes of my life, before he’d literally threatened to set fire to Sam’s computer – and I’d relented; pulling over to let him drive his baby himself. I’d spent days after our return to the bunker making amends in every way possible; but even pie and sex – and pie during sex – had still not earned me back my front seat privileges.

“Sam’s not even going out with us – and you won’t let Kevin leave the bunker. I’m not sitting in the back seat, when it’s just the two of us in the car”, I complained. “Then you’re not going”, Dean declared. “Fine. You go grocery shopping alone”, I smirked. “I’m late, anyways. Remember my shade?”. Dean frowned. “I’m not buying you lipstick alone!”. I crossed my arms. “You absolutely are. I need it”, I said. “For what?”, Dean whined. “For my job…”, I said.

I’d taken a job as a bartender in a small music venue in Kansas City, just across the state line to Missouri. I didn’t actually have any bills to pay, but I hated living of Dean and Sam; and wanted my own earnings.

“You don’t need to work. I can have Charlie set you up with a card”, Dean muttered. “Ugh, this again”, I groaned. “You’ve had me on lockdown for weeks! I need to go out… Further away than the local Wendy’s”. “So, now you’re complaining about my choice of date-destinations?”, Dean grunted. I rolled my eyes. “Yeah… date”, I grumbled. “I paid!”, Dean “Even got you flowers…”. “That you stole from a Gas-n-Go!”, I frowned. “You even made me distract the cashier while you did it”. “What about the candlelit dinner?”, he asked. “We went through the drive-thru; and you put a birthday candle in my burger!”, I yelled. “And – oh yeah – Sam was there”. “It was a job!”, Dean shrugged. “Not my fault the joint was haunted”.

I threw my hands up in frustration, and stomped out of Deans room, to go find my stuff in room 13. He followed me down the hall. “And when are you gonna move in properly?”, he grunted. “You sleep in my room every night. No reason to waste electricity on another room”. “You have an unlimited supply of resources in this place”, I muttered, and stepped into the room; searching my bag for the dress demon-Tamara had given me. It would be fine for my first shift at the bar; as long as I wore jeans underneath it.

“It’s like you don’t want to be here… around me”, Dean said. I turned to face him. “This has nothing to do with you, Dean”, I smiled. “I need this for myself. I can’t be your in house sex-bunny for the rest of my life!”. Dean smirked and stepped up to me – twirling a lock of my hair around his fingers. “You didn’t mind last night…”, he teased.

He slid his hand around my waist, and pulled me flush against him. I swallowed hard, as his scent hit my nose, and warmth began merging from my core. “Dean…”, I croaked; as he leant in, and brushed his lips against my neck. “Lou…”, he breathed. His other hand travelled down to my bottom. “I need…”, I rasped. “Me too…”, Dean smiled; and moved his mouth to nibble at my lobe. “No… Oh, that feels… No!”. I pushed him away. “I have to get ready…”. “For grocery shopping?”, Dean grunted. “For work!”, I sighed. “You’re shopping alone, remember?”.

Dean went to lean against the wall. “I’d honestly rather have you hunting…”, he muttered. I smiled over my shoulder at him, and got out my makeup purse. “The last time we went on a hunt together – not counting the Wendy’s poltergeist – I got a ghost STD”, I chuckled. “So you’re done hunting?”, Dean asked; a slight hopeful tone to his voice. “Nope”, I said; and began taking off my t-shirt. “You just gonna look at me, while I change?”. “Absolutely!”, Dean smirked. I pulled off my top completely; walked over to him; and placed his hands on my bra-covered breasts. “Boobs. You happy now?”, I sighed. Dean looked like a kid in a candy store, and he smiled at my mounds. “Now, will you let me get ready?”.

I backed away from my main squeeze; leaving him to squeeze the air. “Oh, come on!”, he whined. “You can’t do that, and then just…”. “I absolutely can”, I smiled. “Oh, and until you let me ride shotgun again, that’s the last time you’ll get near these puppies”. “Fine!”, Dean growled. “But no driving!”.

I pulled the dress over my head, and pulled it down over my bottom. “You gonna wear pants with that?”, he muttered. “I hadn’t planned on it”, I lied; and instantly decided not to. “Do you have a problem with how I look?”, I challenged; turning around to face him again – sending him a sly grin. “Not at all… if you were a strip…”. He paused when he saw my expression. “Strip… mall… employee… Please don’t kill me”. He tried for an innocent smile. I sighed. “I like this dress. I like how I look in it”, I said. “So do I”, Dean retorted. “And so will every other male in a fifty mile radius, with a pulse… Maybe even some women”. “And that’s a problem?”, I asked.

Dean sat down on the bed, and threw his hands up in surrender. “What do you want me to say?”, he asked. “Go serve beers to strangers, looking like a dancer from an AC/DC video; and leave me here with my sick brother, to figure out how to close the gates of Hell?”. I blushed. “You think I look that good?”, I smiled. Dean grunted nonsensically.

I walked over to him, and straddled his lap; running my fingers through his short hair. “You wanted me to stay out of these trials; and I am”, I said. “I’m not even complaining that you’re keeping the king of Hell in the dungeon, we were supposed to make into a playroom”. I was still unhappy that I’d been cheated out of having a place to set up a gaming-room to hang out with Charlie in when she visited – I’d fallen in complete platonic love with the sweet nerd, after we’d been introduced a few weeks before.

Dean put his arms around my waist, and held me close. “There’s too much going on right now… You, out there – alone… I don’t like it”. His expression was serious. “I have my tattoo…”. I kissed his forehead. “… hex bags…”. His left cheek. “… my blade…”. Right cheek. Dean raised a brow at me. “Which you’ll hide where?”, he grunted. “That dress is… Crap, you really look hot!”. I chuckled, and pressed my lips to his. Dean held me tighter – making our kiss linger – and very distracting thoughts develop in my brain.

I groaned in frustration as he leant backwards, pulling me with him. “Stay…”, he breathed against my lips; and pushed me to lay on my back – leaning over me. His hand wandered up my thigh, and slid under the dress; tugging at my panties at my hip. “Dean…”, I sighed. “You want me to stop?”, he smirked, and moved his lips to kiss my neck; while putting his leg over me – his knee between my legs. “No… But I have to go”. “You really don’t…”, he whispered, and stroked his index finger inside my underwear; making me gasp when it found my folds. “It’s gonna take me forever to get to KC, without a ride. I need to catch a bu… oh my god…”. Deans finger entered me, and his thumb stroked my clit in that delicious way he’d found could make me soar. “I’ll give you a ride…”, he chuckled. “I’ll even drive you to work, afterwards”. “Please don’t make this harder than it already is…”, I moaned. “Right back at you, sweetheart”, Dean smirked.

As Dean kept pushing all the right buttons, I was soon quivering under his touch. He circled my nub, and stroked my walls in slow torturous movements, and with a desperate squeak, I came. “You don’t play fair”, I whimpered. “Playing fair doesn’t win the game. I taught you that during poker lessons”, he chuckled. He removed his finger from my insides, and slipped it into his mouth. “Now that that is settled, we can get back to that naked Karate Kid marathon”.

I got my panties back in place, and laughed softly. “I’m still going to work”, I smiled. “What?”, Dean grunted. “You thought you could convince me with a bit of playtime?”, I chuckled. I got up from the bed – trying desperately not to give away how much like jelly my legs felt – and pulled my dress back down. Dean grumbled, and got up as well.

I grabbed my leather jacket – slid my blade into the pocket I’d sown into that one as well – and put it and my ankle boots on. Dean followed me down the hallway – a sour expression on his face. We bumped in to Kevin, who instantly blushed at the sight of me. “You look nice, ma’am”, he said, not meeting my eyes; and scuttered off into his own room. “Thanks, Kevin!”, I smiled at him, as he closed the door behind him. “That kid is weird…”, I muttered. “He just doesn’t know how to talk to girls”, Dean said. “Especially ones in mini-dresses”.

Sam was seated in front of his computer in the library; looking sick as a dog. “How are you feeling?”, I said. Sam coughed, and ran a hand over his face. “I’ll be fine”, he said. Dean frowned. “I finished your ID. You sure about the name, though?”. “Yup”, I smiled. He handed me a driver’s license with my picture on it. “Well, here you go; Jordan Knight from Denver”, he said with a crooked smile. “Thank you”, I said.

I went to grab my purse. “Pop quiz!”, Dean called out. “I’ve got a bus to catch”, I groaned. Dean raised a brow at me. “Fine. Go”. “Werewolf”, Dean said. “Silver”, I sighed. “Ghoul?”, Sam challenged. “Decapitation”, I retorted. “We’re being too easy on you…”, Dean grunted. “Lamia”. “Season well with rosemary and salt; then cook over fire until dead”, I said, rolling my eyes. “Can I go now? I’ll be late”. “Smartass”, Dean muttered.

Sam stood up. “You got your hex bags? Holy water?”. I picked up my purse from the table. “Yes, dad”, I smiled. He chuckled weakly. “See you tomorrow”. Dean followed me to the stairs. “I put silver bullets in your .45. Carved devil’s traps into them”, he muttered. “Thanks, Daddy”, I smirked – making his lips twitch into a smile. I got on my toes, and kissed him gently. He squeezed my bottom. “I should take you…”, he said. I looked back at Sam, who’d gone back to his work. “You need to take care of your little brother”, I said. “Get groceries – and my lipstick. I’m almost out”. He grunted, and stole another kiss; before I walked up the stairs, and left the bunker.

---

It being my first shift at the bar, I was happy it wasn’t too busy. A cover band played poor renditions of Queen; and the free drinks for employees came in handy – making it easier to deal with the guitarist’s butchering of the classics. Tips were good as well; probably due to my dress.

Taking a break around midnight, I checked my phone. I had one voicemail. “Lou. We had to go. Kevin figured out something… I don’t know when we’ll be back. I’m sorry… We brought the house guest with us, so you’ll have the place to yourselves… Please be careful. Don’t go out there alone. You know what I’m talking about… I love you”.

Don’t go out there alone. Dean didn’t want me hunting; but he also didn’t tell me where he and Sam where going, or what they were doing. They’d taken Crowley. Whatever was happening, it was big – and I couldn’t help but feel a little frustrated to not have been included in the plans. Sam was sick, and Dean knew I would do anything for his brother – and for him.

I frowned my way through the rest of the shift; and hitched a ride with one of my new coworkers back to Lebanon. She was a cute as a button girl – just out of college – named Chloe. “It was a good first night for you Jordan! You should have seen me on my first shift”, she smiled, as I got out of the car by a building, I’d told her I lived in. “Yeah, I’ve worked in bars before”, I said. “I can tell. Well, good night!”. I waved her off, and waited until her Volvo was out of sight, before I took the 3-mile trek towards the bunker, on foot.

It felt strangely empty without the boys and Castiel there. Kevin’s face went white the minute I’d stepped into the library, and he practically ran to his room, to avoid conversation. Both the brother’s rooms showed evidence of them packing up in a hurry; Dean even having nabbed one of my own flannels – either by mistake, or because he liked how it’s snugness looked on him. Knowing him, it was probably the latter.

I texted him once I’d crawled under the sheets in his bed. - You stole my shirt. Bring it back whole. And come back whole yourself. x I snuggled up to his pillow, which smelled like his shampoo, musk and gunpowder – reminding me to put my gun under my own pillow as I slept.

I had a restless sleep; and when I woke around noon, I still hadn’t heard back from Dean or Sam. I was getting worried, and considered calling up some of the emergency numbers I had in my phone; to see if any hunters had heard from any of them. I decided against it, knowing that the brothers would give me hell if I got anyone else involved in their plans. For all I knew, they were actually in the process of saving the world right then and there.

---

My second night at the bar was busier than the night before. I was struggling with not knowing what was going on with Dean and Sam; and once again with the music. Bad renditions of Queen were now terrible ones of Zeppelin. Dean would have torn the place apart; or at the very least threatened the lead singer with a black eye, if he was there.

“Jordan! Table 4”, Chloe called out, and handed me a tray of drinks. I made my way through the crown, and smilingly served the patrons waiting. Once back at the bar, I checked my phone again. Nothing. I went into a storage room, and called up Kevin. “Hello…?”. “Kevin, it’s Lulu. Have you heard from the guys?”. There was no answer. “Kevin?”. “Sorry”, he squeaked. “You have my number?”. “Uh huh. And now you have mine”, I smiled. “Cool…”, the advanced placement student breathed. “Kevin? You heard from them”, I asked. “Uhm… no. Nothing. I can call you… if I do. Is it ok if I call you?”, he croaked. “Yes, Kevin. It’s ok if you call me”, I sighed. “Ok. Bye!”. He hung up. “Weird kid…”, I muttered.

I gave in, and dialed up Dean. Waiting to hear from him was tearing me apart. “This is Dean’s other, other, other cell. Two people have this number. If you’re not one of them, hang up. Sam; you know the deal. Find the nearest bar. Lou; yes… to whatever you’re about to say. Unless it’s driving privileges… beep”. I sighed. “Dean… What’s going on? Are you ok? I’m worried. Please call me… And I’m getting behind that wheel at some point. We both know it… I love you”. I hung up, and went back to work.

I plastered on my fakest grin, and served beers for another hour, before, suddenly, someone called out for me. And not a person I’d hoped. “Lulu?”. I froze in place. “Lulu! It is you!”. Pete was standing right in front of me. “Hi… Pete”, I croaked. “What are you doing here? I thought you went back to Denver, when your old job went out of business”. Pete grinned at me. “Yeah, I did. I’m filling in as a singer for the next band”, he said. “Their lead has mono”. “Oh… ok”, I said.

He opened his arms for a hug, and I stepped into his arms; giving him a half-hearted embrace. A chill went through my body, reminding me of the intense cold I’d experienced while suffering from ghost possession a month before. “How are you?”, he asked. “Did Alaska not work out?”. “It was… too cold”, I said; and wiggled out of his hold. “You look good, honey”, he said. “Pete…”, I groaned. “Sorry, I know… It’s still hard not to think of you like that…”, Pete muttered. “I still think you and me…”. I shook my head. “No… Let’s not do that”, I said. “Is there someone else”. “Yes”, I replied. “And it’s serious?”, he croaked. “Very”, I nodded. “Look, my shift is almost over. I have to go”.

I went to pick up a tray from the bar, but Pete followed. “Lulu!”, he sighed, and grabbed my arm. “I have to go”, I said, and shrugged him off. “Who is he?”, Pete called after me. “How long? Was it while you and I were still…? Lulu, you owe me that much”. I sighed. “I’m sorry. I can’t talk about it”. “Why?”. I ran my hand through my hair, desperate to avoid the situation. “I’m in… witness protection”, I said quietly. Pete frowned. “After that thing at your hotel? With those fugitives?”. I nodded. “It’s complicated. But I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone you saw me here”.

“Jordan!”, Chloe called from behind the bar. “You gonna grab these drinks?”. I snatched up the tray. “Pete… Have a good show”, I muttered, and walked away; leaving him looking flabbergasted after me.

I knew what my encounter with Pete meant. I couldn’t keep working here. I should have stayed out of KC all together; but doing something for myself had made me happy. Nabbing up my tips, I discretely got my purse and my jacket, and slipped out the back of the bar, hurrying down the busy street, to catch a bus or a ride, or whatever I could, to get back to Lebanon.

The hair at the back of my neck were raising, and I felt shivers down my spine. Something was wrong. A part of my training with Sam and Dean the last month, had literally been hide and go seek; and I was at the point where I could feel it in my bones, when I was being tailed. Sliding my hand into my purse, I cocked the hammer on my gun, and went down an alley. I ducked behind a dumpster; and waited.

Pete came down the alley, clearly having followed me. I secured my gun, and stepped forward. “Pete, you should go. Please”, I said. Pete stepped over to me, and pulled me into his arms. He seemed stronger than he’d been when we were together, and it took everything in me to not let my hunter instinct take over, and go for my blade. “Let me go”, I muttered. “For both our sakes”. He pulled his head back, and looked at me with hard eyes. “Why? Because he’ll hurt you otherwise? Or me?”. I put my hands to his chest, and pushed hard. “What’s that supposed to mean?”, I sputtered. Pete narrowed his eyes at me, and ran his fingers down the still healing bruise on my neck, where the vampire Patrick had bitten me. “This… This is what he does to you. I can see in your eyes that you’re afraid!”.

Pete wasn’t wrong. I was afraid, but not of Dean. I was afraid for him, and for the rest of the world, with everything he and Sam were doing at the moment. Pete tilted his head, and stroked my cheek. “I lie awake… I drive myself crazy, thinking of you”, he sang softly. “Why are you singing that song?”, I croaked. “It’s your song… remember? You thought I wouldn’t remember, how you’d sing this to yourself, in the shower; while cleaning the bar after closing time… Even after sex. And then you’d close your eyes, and frown. That cute little frown”. He ran a finger across my forehead. “It’s not my song, Pete”. I knew I’d have to say something now, to finally get through to him. “It’s ours. His and mine. It was always him… I’m sorry”.

I shrugged Pete off, and began walking back towards the street, when suddenly he grabbed my arm, and put his hand on the back of my head, pressing his lips to mine. I desperately tried to push him off. “Stop!”, I cried out. Pete almost growled. “You know, you broke my heart!”, he said. “When you left me. You and me… we’re endgame. So you can call yourself Lulu or Jordan, or whatever… I’m still gonna…”. He pushed me backwards against a wall, and held me there. “Let me make you happy again”, he breathed, and attacked my lips. I tried raising my knee, but Pete pushed it down, and held himself flush against me – holding on hard to my arm, probably leaving bruises.

“Hey!”, someone called out. A middle-aged man had appeared in the alley. He put a hand on Pete’s arm, and pulled him off me. “I think you should leave the lady alone”. “Stay out of this, man!”, Pete snarled. “I’m her…”. He was distracted long enough for me to raise my fist, and punch him across the jaw, making him stumble backwards. “Leave, Pete!”, I growled. “Before something really bad happens”.

Pete stepped forwards, with an enraged expression painted on his face. The stranger stepped between us, and put a hand on his shoulder. Pete’s face immediately calmed, as he looked at the man. “Walk away, Pete. Now’s not the time”. “Now’s not the time”, Pete repeated; turned around, and walked out of the alley – leaving me with the stranger.

“Hello, Lulu”, the man smiled. I slipped my hand into my purse, and pulled out my gun. “Silver bullets, and devil’s traps carved into them”, I growled. “Who are you, and why are you here?” The man raised his hands into the air. “I’m not a demon!”, he called out. “And those bullets won’t hurt me… My name is Metatron”. I looked the man over. He was short; on the chubby side, and had unruly curly hair. He didn’t look that part of the scribe of God. “You?”, I grunted; slowly lowering my gun. “You’re Metatron?”. The little man smiled softly. “Yes, I am”, he said.

I took a step backwards, secured my gun, and put it back into my purse. “What do you want with me?”. He grinned. “Castiel speaks highly of you. Says you are a good friend, and that he enjoys spending time with you”, he responded. “I don’t have many friends here on earth, and in just a minute, something very big is going to happen. I’d like to share the moment with someone special. You will be the witness”. Metatron raised two fingers – walked towards me – and put them against my chest; right above my heart. A jolt went through me, like someone had put live electricity through my body. I cried out in pain. “What did you do to me? Where is Cass?”, I croaked. On shaky legs I tried to move away; but the angel grabbed my arm. “He’s… unavailable”, Metatron replied. “Now come here. Stand next to me”. I shook my head, and reached for my blade in my jacket. “No thank you. Stranger danger”, I gulped. The angel frowned. “That’s not very friendly. Especially after I saved you from Pete. Come here!”, he said; and yanked hard at my arm. “Look up!”.

I followed his line of sight into the sky; and my jaw dropped. “Can you see them?”, Metatron breathed. What looked like falling stars or comets where dropping from the sky, lighting up the alley, and the angel’s smiling face. “What are they?”, I croaked. “It’s the angels…”, he sighed. “They’re falling. Isn’t it beautiful?”. My breath hitched. “What did you do?”, I rasped. “What did we do? We changed the world!”, Metatron laughed. “I’m creating a new heaven”.

The angel grabbed my hand, and kissed my knuckles. “Thank you for sharing this moment with me!”, he smiled. “Castiel was right to choose you. You’re a good companion… I’ll remember that”. “What’s that supposed to mean?”, I whispered, and pulled my arm from his grasp. “It means, I’ll consider letting you live… if you make the right decisions when the time comes”. He winked at me. “Go home… wherever that is. We’ll meet again”. He was gone.

I tucked away my blade, and made my way back to the street on wobbly legs. People around me were looking at the sky. Once in a while I’d hear a random stranger mutter yes, and see them jolt slightly. It was as if an aura of light would come over them afterwards.

I dialed up Dean. After three rings, he finally picked up. “Lou”, he croaked. “Dean, what’s happening? The sky is on fire, and I was just… molested by both my ex and the scribe of God!”, I almost yelled. A homeless man passing me, gave me a strange look. “What did he do? Did he hurt you?”, Dean growled. “I don’t know…”, I admitted. “He touched me in that freaky angel way. Said he wanted me to witness”, I breathed. “What the hell…?”. I could hear that he was driving. “Baby, go home”. I continued walking down the sidewalk, once in a while getting a strange look from random strangers. They would nod at me, as if they knew me – their eyes alight with something I couldn’t define. “I can’t”, I whispered. “I think I have something stuck to my shoe”. “Dammit!”, Dean cried out, at my use of code. “Ok… Have you heard from Cass?”. “No, nothing”. I sighed. “Did you finish it?”. “No”, Dean said. “Yes… it’s complicated. Sam’s hurt. I have to find some help for him”. “Oh my god… What can I do?”. “Nothing… Lou, you need to disappear. Don’t let anyone find you. You know how to do that”. “Dean…”, I whimpered. “Please let me come to you. I need to help. I don’t even know who I’m hiding from”. “Help me by staying safe. Out of sight. Please do this for me, Lou… I can’t lose both of you”, Dean rasped. “I love you…”. “I love you, Dean”, I whispered. “I’ll find you when it’s over”. He hung up.

I was alone again. Kansas City wasn’t an option, I needed to get out of there as soon as possible. If I went to Lebanon – to the bunker – I’d draw whoever I was hiding from to it. I only had my most basic hunting tools, and no skills to fight anything more dangerous than a vampire or a very weak demon. The only thing I could do was – for once – to listen to Dean, and do as I was told. I needed to disappear.

---

I hadn’t learnt to hotwire a car, and had no real cash to get me anywhere, so hitchhiking was my way forward. It took me 4 days to get to a small town in Michigan, named Hell. I was nothing if not aware of my situation. Last time I’d disappeared, I’d gone to Nowhere, because I didn’t want to be found by Dean, or by anyone else for that matter. This time, I’d literally gone to Hell, to avoid angels.

I was hungry and tired when I got out of a car full of rowdy frat boys, who wanted to party in the home of the Devil himself. I declined their offer of shacking up with them in their hotel, and instead searched out a cheap motel; which I knew I had no way to pay for. I’d have to think about that later.

Dean hadn’t called me, and I was unsure whether it would be safe to call him. I holed up in my room, snacked on cheap noodle cups, and kept my head down, when I once in a while was forced to leave the room by the maid – who would not take no for an answer, when I said I didn’t need my room cleaned up. I couldn’t be around her when she worked; her eyes were too intense, and she stared at me in a weird way.

After 3 more days of sheer panic; my phone finally rang, as I was lying in bed. I didn’t recognize the number, and my hands where shaking when I picked up. “Hello?”, I muttered. “Baby?”, Deans voice said. “What table?”, I croaked. “13. Always 13”, his warm voice said. “Dean… What’s going on? Can I come home?”, I whimpered. “Where are you?”, he asked. “Is it safe for you to know?”, I retorted. “Yeah…”. “In Hell”, I said. “What?”, he grunted. “Michigan. Hell. It’s a thing”, I sighed. “I wanna come back…”. Dean paused before answering. “That’s not a good idea right now, Lou”. “Oh…”, I croaked. “I’m sorry. Sam’s not… himself. It might not be safe. For either of you”. “I understand”, I lied. “You’re lying”, he grunted. “Yeah, I am. Why can’t you tell me what’s happening? When will this be over?”. He sighed, and I heard him moving from his room and down the hall – I recognized the echo. “Soon. I think. I need to keep Sam safe. And you”. “From what?”, I asked. “I don’t know who the bad guys are, and I don’t know how to protect myself from them… You know I hate to admit it, but I’m freaking out here!”. He must have stepped into the library, because the echo changed again. “I know… Look, I have to finish something up here, but after that I can come up to Michigan”, he said. “I wish… I wish it was different. Just please trust me”.

I heard Sam step into the room. “Is that Lulu?”, he asked. “How’s her case going?”. “What is he talking about, Dean?”, I asked. “Yeah, it’s good. She’s good”, Dean said. “Look, sweetheart, I gotta go. Sam says hi. And uhm… iron, for witches. Ok?”. “Dean?”, I breathed. “Bye”. He hung up.

I dropped the phone on the bed, and curled up. Something was very wrong.

---

I woke to a text from Kevin. Hi. This is Kevin Tran. Dean wants your address. So if you could text me back with that, that would be cool. xo K-Man. Five minutes later I got another text from the kid. Hi again. I didn’t mean to write xo. That was just a typo. Have a nice day. Kevin. I chuckled to myself, and texted him my info, sending him an xo in return. Because he deserved it.

In the afternoon I scraped up what little cash I had, and went to the front desk to pay for the week, but was informed that it had already been taken care of by a card registered to Gene Simmons. At least Dean had my back there. I was frustrated and angry. Dean was lying to Sam about where I was and what I was doing; and he apparently didn’t trust me enough to let me know what was going on either. At the same time, I missed him like crazy, and wanted nothing more than to be in his arms, and feel his warmth. In more ways than one, I was in Hell.

When the door knocked the morning after, I sprang out of bed, and quickly got dressed in jeans and my tank-top, to finally yell at the maid to go Heaven, because we were already in Hell; and I wanted her far, far away. I yanked open the door, and enraged look on my face; when I immediately let out a sigh of relief at the man in front of me.

Dean looked exhausted. He had dark circles around his eyes, and he was healing from some bruises to his jaw. I grabbed a hold of his jacket collar, and pulled him close – throwing my arms around his neck – and kissed him. “I drove all night”, he rasped. “I’m so sorry, Lou…”. “Shut up, and come in”, I said, and breathed in his scent; before pulling him inside. Dean looked around the room. “Wow… you really did go to Hell”, he grunted. “Does this place even take HBO?”. “The tv doesn’t work”, I muttered. “What happened? The truth, Dean. I can’t deal with lies right now”.

Dean scrunched up his brows. “I don’t know what to tell you… What happened with Metatron?”, he asked. I shrugged, still confused. “He was… weird”. “They tend to be”, Dean smirked. “Yeah but… The way he touched me… Then he wanted me to stand with him, and look at the angels falling. Witness, he said…”. Dean’s eyes fell to the ground. “He said that?”, he grunted. “Witness…”. “Yeah… Does that mean anything to you?”. Dean cleared his throat, and shook his head. “No. Nothing. Probably just weird angel talk… you know how they can be”. His expression was unreadable.

“Did they all fall? Where are they?”, I asked. “We think so… It seems Metatron tricked Cass into locking up Heaven…”, Dean muttered. “Holy crap…”, I gasped. “How is Sam?”, I muttered, walking over to make the bed – feeling strangely vulnerable. “We ended the trials… stopped before he could finish”, he said. “They were killing him…”. “Is he ok?”, I gulped. I couldn’t bear the thought of my friend hurt. “He’s getting there. I have someone working on it”.

I went to turn on the brewer for coffee. Dean knew my routine, and grabbed two mugs from the cabinet under the counter. I scratched my head. “I can’t stay here. I have none of my things with me. I can’t even hunt”. Dean narrowed his eyes. “Right…”, he said; before leaving the room for a moment – coming back with my backpack, and a duffle. “I brought some stuff”. He brought the bags over to the table, and set them down there.

“Looks like you’re kicking me out of the bat-cave permanently”, I grunted. “How can you think that?”, Dean exclaimed. “You know I want you with me… I practically begged you to move in to the bunker permanently, while you were doing everything to get away from it”. “I wasn’t”, I whispered; a tear escaping my eye. “I just needed to… do something for myself. Have something of my own, that I earned, and worked for”.

“That why you took that job?”, he asked. I nodded. “How did it go?”. “It didn’t…”, I said. “Pete turned up. I couldn’t stay there”. “Pete”, Dean sneered. “Don’t know which one of those dicks I hate more – him or Metatron”. “You don’t know Pete. He’s just a guy”. “He’s a douche…”, he grunted. “The man listens to Nickelback!”. I couldn’t help but chuckle, and wiped my eyes. Dean stroked my cheek. “Yeah… I don’t know what I was thinking”, I whispered.

Dean’s eyes travelled to my arm, which was still sporting faint bruises from my encounter with my ex. He lifted the arm gingerly, and ran his fingers over the now mostly purplish mark. “I’m gonna rip his lungs out!”, he growled. “Please, just leave it alone”, I croaked. “It’s over”. “He hurt you!”, Dean roared. “No more than I would have hurt him, if Metatron hadn’t stepped in”, I said. Dean raised a brow at me. “If I see him again, he’s dead”, he proclaimed. I tugged at his jacket, and pulled myself closer to him; feeling his tense body relax against me. He lowered his face to me, and kissed me gently; stroking my temple. “I’m sorry”. “Stop saying that, and show me what you brought”, I said.

Dean went back over to the table, and began pulling things of the bags. “Bobby’s… your journal”, he muttered. “Gooferdust – remember to use it whenever you check in somewhere new. Iron knife, silver knife… A jar of dead man’s blood, and some syringes…”. “Everything a working girl needs in her purse”, I jested. “And my clothes?”. “Kevin packed it up”, Dean said. “Huh… you let the teenage prophet go through my underwear?”, I smirked. Dean paused for a second. “I didn’t think that through”, he grunted. “Oh, and this…”. He handed me a small drugstore bag. I looked inside. “You got my shade!”, I smiled, and pulled out the lipstick. He chuckled. “Of course I did”.

I picked up a sawn-off shotgun. “So, you’re good with me hunting all of a sudden?”, I asked. He took the gun from my hands, and demonstrated the use. “Sam already showed me”, I smirked. “Of course he did…”, Dean grunted. “No, I’m not. But it’s your choice… And you’re… actually kind of ok at it”. I pouted playfully. “Aww… thanks”. I put down the shotgun. “Really…”.

We stood for a moment. “I hate this…”, Dean said. “What, awkward silence?”, I muttered. “No… leaving you out here alone”. He frowned deeply. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You were supposed to…”. “Bake you pies in my underwear, while you save the world?”, I smirked. Dean’s eyes glazed over for a moment, as he pictured the sight. He cleared his throat. “I mean, that would be fine by me”, he muttered. “But no. I wanted to train you. Make sure you were ready, before you finally realized you were crazy for staying with me, and ran off on bigger and better adventures” I smiled crookedly. “That was never gonna happen”, I said. “I’m not that smart”.

There was a knock at the door. “Housekeeping!”, a voice called out. I almost snarled. “What’s wrong?”, Dean asked. “Just the most dedicated maid I’ve ever met”, I sneered. I went to open the door, before the maid could let herself in. The woman’s eyes were as intense as always; if not more so. She attempted a smile, but it came out fake.

“It’s not a good time. I have company”, I said. “I’m just… making my rounds, miss”, the maid said. “I’d like to clean your room now, if you don’t mind”. Dean came up behind me. “She minds. It’s not a good time”. I saw a sheen of blue light in the maid’s eyes. It sent a jolt through me, and my heart skipped a beat. “You should go… now”, I croaked. “I’m afraid I can’t do that”, the maid said, her eyes locked sternly on Deans face. “I have to do my job. And he should not be here”. Dean pushed me behind him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”, he grunted. The maid moved her eyes to me. I felt a rush of blood to my head, as the light in her eyes intensified, and an aura of intense power pulsed from her. Suddenly, I recognized her – I’d never met her before – but I somehow knew, if not her, then at least what she was. “Angel…”, I rasped.

Dean grabbed his own angel blade from his inner pocket. He broadened his stance; shielding me. “Leave!”, he growled. Behind him, I went for my own blade, which I’d kept under my pillow. I quietly walked over the wall behind the door, and cut into my hand; letting it bleed. “You think I want to be here? This place… even the name of it is an offence to me”, the maid sneered. “But the witness must be protected. For now”. I began drawing with my blood on the wall. “She doesn’t need your protection”, Dean snarled. “You think you can protect her? From us?”, the maid smiled. “If we wanted her dead, she would be! Leave this place, Dean Winchester. Or I will not answer for the consequences”.

“Dean…”, I muttered. He looked back at me, and the sigil I’d drawn on the wall. He nodded, and I touched it with my bleeding hand. The angel-maid screamed out, and with a blaze of light, she disappeared. “Get your things!”, Dean growled. We scrambled to gather my bags; and I followed him out to the Impala, throwing my belongings in the back seat.

Dean jumped in behind the wheel, and I got in next to him. “How did you know?”, he snarled. “What?”, I asked. “How did you know she was an angel?” I shook my head, and held on to the dashboard as Dean swerved around a corner, and sped down the road. “I… just did. It was like I recognized her”. “You met her before?”, Dean snapped. He sped over a bump, making me jostle in my seat. “No, Dean. Could you please slow down? You’re scaring me!”. Dean clenched his jaw. “You recognized her? As an angel…”. “Yeah…”, I croaked; afraid to meet his eyes. Dean took a deep breath. “She used that word… witness. You… witnessed with Metatron. Right?”. “That’s what he said”, I muttered. “Why are you angry with me?”. “I’m not”, he sighed. He pulled out his phone and dialed up a number, putting it on speaker.

“Hello?”, Kevin’s voice answered. “Kevin!”, Dean growled. “what was that thing you read on the angel tablet a while back… about a witness”. “Hi Kevin”, I said, chiding Dean with my eyes for his poor social skills on the phone. “Hi… Lulu. Hey. I’m good. It’s cool”. “Kevin, stop flirting, and tell us!”, Dean snarled. I frowned at him. “Right. Yeah… it was something along the lines of ‘with the fall a witness will be chosen; and it will come to know them all by their grace’… I couldn’t figure out if it was witness or keeper”, Kevin said. Deans eyes widened. “Keeper of what?”, I asked. “I… don’t know. I was focused on other parts of the tablet at that point”. “Right. Thanks Kev’… and keep this between us”, Dean said, and hung up.

A thousand thoughts went through my head. “I’m a witness”, I said. “The witness. You can see angels, even as they hide in their vessels”, Dean grunted. “I was afraid of this, when you told me about what that winged bag of dicks did. I just wasn’t sure”. “Is that why I can’t come back?”, I asked quietly. Dean clenched his jaw. “I can’t have you around Sam… It’s not safe”. “For whom? Me or Sam?”, I grunted. “I’m not sure… I did what I had to”, Dean breathed. “He’s my brother”. “What did you do…?”, I said; my voice trembling and deep. “I… can’t tell you. Please just trust that it’s for the best if you stay away”.

I swallowed hard. “So what happens now? Are we… over?”. His eyes widened, and he grabbed my hand. “No! No, Lou… I just need… we need time for Sam to heal. Completely”, he said. Dean squeezed my hand tightly. “I swear I’ll tell you everything, when the time is right”, he declared. “I’m bringing you to a place I know. It’s a cabin. Warded”. “Ok…”, I croaked. He looked at me, trying for softness. “It’ll be ok”. He didn’t sound convinced; and his face was tense as he dialed another number on his phone. “Sam… Lulu’s in a bit deep here. I’m gonna need to stick around for another day or so… No, don’t worry, we’ll be fine… Yeah, ok. See you in Colorado”. I frowned at him again. “Why are you lying to your brother?”, I grunted. “He can’t see you right now. And you can’t see him. It’s how it has to be”. “He’s my friend”, I said bellow my breath. “Then you want him safe. Just go with me on this”, Dean demanded.

We drove for a good 4 hours, before I noticed Dean struggling. He was frowning and an angry pout formed on his lips. “You’re tired”, I said. “We should pull over”. “No”, he shook his head. “We need to get to Montana as soon as we can”. He sighed, and looked at me from the corner of his eyes. “Screw it. Can you drive for a while?” My jaw dropped. “I’m… yeah. Of course”.

Dean halted at the next gas-station we could find, and filled up the car. I got out of the car as he came back outside from the shop. He held up the keys with a worried expression. “She’s strong… but be gentle with her. Please?”. I smiled softly, and kissed his cheek. “I’ll treat her like my own”. “Yeah, I saw your Ford those years back. Pardon me for not taking that as a good omen”. He put the keys in my hand, and held them there. “Dean?”, I said. “Yeah?”, he muttered. “You’re gonna have to let go”, I smiled. He almost winced as his fingers left my hand.

I got behind the wheel, and Dean got in to sit next to me. “Don’t change my presets”, he grunted. “Go to sleep”, I said. “I got it”. I started up the Impala, and felt her purr under my touch. “Hi, baby. I’m back”, I smirked. Dean cursed under his breath.

---

We took turns driving; pulling over a few times to gas up; and at least three times for Dean to yell at me for either driving too fast, or for passing other cars too closely. All three times ended with me threatening to hitchhike the rest of the way; and Dean apologizing by pressing his lips to mine. In the end we made it to a cabin in Whitefish, Montana, the day after.

“This is Rufus’ old cabin”, Dean said, as he carried my bags in for me. “You’ll be safe here. Use it as headquarters if you want. I need you to stay away from anything angelic or demonic from here on out… If you insist on hunting, stick with ghosts; easy ones…”. He sent me a look. “Please”.

He put his arms around me. He seemed weaker than usual; not just tired, but mentally drained. “What’s wrong?”, I whispered; leaning my head against his shoulder. “Talk to me”. Dean shook his head. “I can’t… I want to, believe me”. “You don’t trust me?”, I croaked. “With my life, and my car…”, he said poignantly; putting his hand on my cheek. I narrowed my eyes at him. “But…?”. “You can’t be around Sam right now. You just can’t. Not until I know for sure that it’s safe… Or Sam is ok again”. “What’s that supposed to mean?”, I grunted. “You’re not making sense. What happened with him back there?”. Dean ran his hand over his face. “I know it’s… confusing. But he’s in real danger”. I grabbed a hold of his jacket; clenching it in my fist. “How is this gonna work?”, I asked. “Are you going to run all over the country with your sick brother; and whenever you have a spare 24 hours, I can see you?”. He sighed. “I don’t have that much time… I have to get to Colorado”.

I sighed and put my hand behind his head, to avoid him pulling away: and kissed him deeply. I needed him as much as I knew he needed me. “Just stay a little while”, I breathed.

---

[abthepoet]

So Id like to mention that COVID19 has put a lot of things into perspective.

My industry of experiential marketing was literally one of the first to go about a week ago when stores began banning all live demonstrations. I work in the natural and organic food industry doing live events and cooking recipes on site to sample brands to customers at grocery retailers.And because sampling tables are good places to spread germs, my demos all immediately came to a stop. I'm also an in home, private Music Teacher to kids of various ages and needless to say if schools' on hold, so is teaching. and so is income. My Venmo is :ABBlas22

Which sucks, a lot because the majority of my work is independent contractor based. . . .and there's no health care, paid leave, unemployment, or sick time. Why do I still do it? Because I love the industry, the opportunities it affords me, and the pay is solid. Except come tax season. The Government likes to fuck you if you work for yourself. . . .even tho I pay for all my own equipment and car repairs to get me from job to job. My Venmo is ABBlas22

However, amid the panic, I havent felt this calm in years. The constant anxiety and pressure of having to make money and go to work and be on time and make my schedule and drive from this city to that city for this demo and that demo, has subsided. I finally wake up and I'm not staring at the clock counting down how long before I have to leave which triggers an anxiety fest about leaving my dogs home alone because my one dog has such severe separation anxiety she destroys her crate, escapes, and then ruins the house(we are actively working on it) . . .so I'm up early and nervous about, "ok I have three hours I have to walk the dogs for at least one of those hours, feed them, get dressed, brush teeth, try to eat, clean the house, stuff their Kongs, make sure I have everything I need, and then try to sneak out before the dog starts freaking out." followed by "did I book enough demos this week, if I have to execute 16 for the month where can I put another demo, should I give myself a day off? nah, i need the money, let me check my Google calendar for the 65th time this morning and stare at all the blank dates I should be booking demos instead of doing anything else because no matter how much I work, it is never enough. So I spend an hour worrying about plunging my family into financial ruin. . . . better get online and start digging thru emails and brand Ambassador groups to make sure I've got enough work. Oh what's that? the sound of my entire family and partner telling me to get a *regular* job even though the idea of punching a clock and working for someone else makes me physically sick. . but I go and do it anyway because its a W2 position so you think well maybe I'll get health benefits at least and then come to find out that this bullshit retail job doesn't give part timers benefits of any kind, but I keep the job anyway because everyone said a normal job was best, but it pays $6 less an hour than my demo gigs and is a total waste of my skills and professional experience and eventually is cutting into my income because its taking up so many weekly hours but pays significantly less that I start calling out to go do demos instead and then the same people who were like "get a regular job" turn around and go "no, not That job, try This job."

and I'm over here ready to fucking scream because I've Been very clear about wanting to be in business for myself. I have tried many things, including testing an extremely beta version of what eventually became Uber Eats. . . I could be a millionaire but my parents thought it was a stupid idea and once I used up my resources trying to drum up business, that was it.

also, this is the worst part about being a millennial. I went to college for music because they said be anything and follow your dreams . . .but then I graduated into recession (2006) and got the first job I could,at a deli, which . . . .isn't exactly a degree holding position. For years we said,"I'm just grateful I Have a Job right now." and we got bitter, broke, and depressed as a generation. We're in our 30's now and it's just as bleak an outlook for our generational future. At least until the boomers die out and free up some of that wealth, if they don't all leave it to the cat and state first just to spite us.

So yea, people are freaked out with COVID19 but for the first time, I dont feel pressure or anxiety to rush out the house or make money because everything got cancelled. All I want to do is work super hard on my own online store via Shopify and grow from there. I love to work and I love the discipline of hard work. I would rather spend 18 hours in a day working on my own business and hustling my ass off to make it work using over a decade of marketing and sales experience to promote my brand for once.

But that's hard to invest time and money when I live paycheck to paycheck and have a partner and fur babies who depend on me. Everytime I excitedly talk about dropshipping through shopify and all my plans for it, it's met with a nervous "I believe in you but dont fuck us financially." "I believe in you but doesn't that take time." "I believe in you but why don't you just work here, they pay decent."

I love that the #Coronavirus hit and suddenly human rights are easy to hand out. I love that Coronavirus got us to halt economies on a scale so massive that will actually help us fight climate change. Capitalism has destroyed our planet and our species.

I want to always remind everyone that we are a species first. Not countrymen, not race, not religion. . . we are all dancing flesh bags, given different corporeal conduits with which to experience life and then later compare notes with one another.

"What's life like in that short skin suit?"

"Not bad but I can't reach anything."

"Good thing I got one of these tall skin suits." *grabs top shelf items*

"Thanks!"

It's to help us come together, understand similarities thru differences and use them to gain new perspectives while helping our species and our planet thrive.

This insane notion that everyone needs to have a job needs to go. Our species was Not made to do slave labor all day long for an invented wage that keeps us stuck fighting for basic survival when we have the potential to completely alter our lives.

The Earth is a hostage who's not allowed to feed her own kids. They locked up every fruit bearing tree, enslaved every animal, poisoned the soil, polluted the water and then held your life at gunpoint and demand you hand over hours of your life to work that does a disservice to your potential for greatness just for a chance to get a taste of what should be your birthright.

Basic needs of survival that all humans will die without shouldn't be prizes for who can work themselves to death the fastest.

Im using this time as an opportunity and am taking what little resources I have to work on my online store and sell off and flip what I can to make start up money on Ebay. (I dont even have WiFi and my apartment complex has locked the business center for CoronaVirus) . Using my phone for everything is really fucking tedious, especially because I've had it for 4 years and it doesn't always cooperate, but I'm grateful I even have one to use. If you want to invest in me, even just $5 I will 100% be using it to get a business off the ground. I've got most of the basic work done and market research, but with no income I cant even afford the basic Shopify plan at $30 a month, I'm hoping they pass a moratorium on evictions because how do I pay rent with no job to go to!?

My Venmo is : ABBlas22 and I do reward!

[dealingdreams]

Okay TROS thoughts...here we go. I’m putting them all below the cut in case somehow you’ve avoided spoilers

so general thoughts...i didnt hate it nearly as much as i thought i would so thats pleasant but im gonna break it down more

things i liked:

Adam Driver.  just Adam. Fucking. Driver my dudes. This is like a backhanded compliment because JJ is so fucking lucky Adam was cast because the emotional depth of the film rested literally all on his shoulders for me. I only felt the weight if he was acting in a scene. 

I’ll admit im biased but I did adore the interaction between Finn and Poe. Their bickering amused me and the tenderness between them was wonderful...I think Oscar played Poe a bit jealous as well which i liked.

the Reylo scenes to me where beautiful. Ben never lied to her, she tried to deny it but she knew he never did. I loved that he was kinda guiding her, protecting her, loving her, and antagonizing her all at once. I loved how soft their kiss was, their smiles are literally the light of my life. Rey’s face when she healed him. Ben just staring at her as she tells him she did want to take his hand...just chef’s kiss

I loved the saber fights. Ben’s fight at the beginning was hot as fuck...and his fight as newly redeemed Ben Solo was even hotter somehow.

 I enjoyed the fight scenes between ben and rey! how often ben just let her walk away, and despite that one scene which i will mention below...i like i even tho rey was rather aggressive idk...it didnt really feel like she was trying to hurt him much either? i just think they had a lot of chances to kill each other and didnt take it...so i like that

i knew she was looking at ben in that clip i knew it...she only makes that soft face at him

I always enjoy stupid ass C3PO jokes for some dumbass reason

Han and Ben’s scene was heartbreaking and beautiful. Again tho JJ is fucking lucky to cast Adam cause recycling dialogue from TFA wouldnt have worked at all had Adam not been so fucking amazing

the save chewie hall blaster scene was fun 

i liked how fucking dramatic children ben and rey were with that damn ship lol...no im gonna force pull it...no im gonna...what dorks

while i didnt like the entire way the force bond was used i did enjoy seeing it still strong and growing

confirming canon soulmate reylo was a highlight

ben’s hair looked bomb

finn’s outfit was cool

Jannah was beautiful (please correct me if i misspell her name)

dark rey was glorious tho 

that new little droid is literally me so i adore it

that sith cave thing was really fucking cool looking 

the visuals of the film were most of the time stunning 

sooooo...now to what i didn’t like:

I think this first one is the most obvious for those who know me but...Ben’s death just feels so utterly useless to me. especially when they gave him a metaphorical death earlier in the film. i feel extremely hurt and betrayed. Disney has gone out of their way to make us sympathize with Ben Solo. They’ve revealed more and more of his past...how alone he was, the abuse he suffered from snoke and palpatine. just fuck...they just kill him...the moment he realizes he’s free and loved they end his life....literally WHAT THE FUCK. it’s a chicken shit way out of a redemption arc honestly. Not letting u just breath after his death was also so horrible. We barely got to see Rey mourn, we got a split second of it then it jumped to another scene...another second of her looking sadly at her sabor to have the moment interrupted 

tag on to above but...they didnt have him as a force ghost cause Disney is intentionally keeping where he is ambiguous so they can sell more shit which pisses me off so much

thats not how the force works

there couldnt have been that many sith could there??? cause like there can only be 2 at one time....fucking rule of 2 so how the hell were there that many

palps being like...see i actually want you to kill me...is ridiculous

rey palpatine is the most idiotic thing i have ever heard. Rey being a no one from no where was such an amazing thing. Just anyone can be strong in the force...you dont need royal blood to make you worth something....then they just retcon that??? the fuck I MEAN THE FUCK. 

Finn does nothing but worry about Rey the whole film. I know folks dont like his storyline in TLJ and while i understand that and do think it could have been written better i still adore it because Finn grew. He grew from just caring about a small group of people to caring about an idea to caring about something bigger than him. I didnt see any growth in his character in this film. His heroics were beautiful to see and I enjoyed seeing his heart but that was John’s acting more than the writing it think. 

sidelining rose was fucking disgusting 

the trio felt forced to me

the leia scenes didnt work for me honestly and they mostly just made me sad

bringing in lando now felt weird 

ive wanted force sensitive finn for a while but didnt feel right

why the fuck have finn want to tell rey something but never do...ugh i hate storytelling like that

they never explained how palps is back...he just is

rey stabbing ben felt odd to me. i loved the moment when she healed him, and i know technically her anger and darkside was coming out and she acted on instinct...nevermind that even before leia called out to him ben coudnt follow thru with the killing blow. 

....i’m sure i’ll think of more as i get angrier 

anyways over all...id be lying if moments didnt make me laugh or smile...if i didn’t feel a sense of nostalgia and enjoyment for 80% of this movie. The thing is that even with so much of it being enjoyable to me it still felt void. An action movie, with new characters, a confusing plot and very minimal emotional depth.

The emotion hinged soooo much on Adam or me. The biggest reason for that aside from that fact that Ben Solo is one of my all time favorite characters, is that the things Rey is dealing with in the film are directly related to her being a palpatine...and i HATE THAT. Like straight up wanna fling it into the sun. 

Rey never needed to be related to a force royal bloodline. She should have been allowed to remain strong because she was just strong. Kylo’s equal in every way, not because she was the granddaughter of a sith which btw you can’t inherit force powers. Retconing something so touching and unique from TLJ was just...fucking idiotic. All to please the loud but small misogynistic fandom that thought a woman couldnt be that strong on her own so she must be related to someone

The biggest thing....tho is killing Ben. it felt so unnecessary and just...i feel so betrayed. The interviews leading up to the film got my hopes up that i was worried for nothing. I always thought they’d kill him, because cinema seems to not know what to do with characters has tragic as him without just killing him in the end. we already got a redemption = death plotline in this franchise...why couldnt we get a redemption = life instead??? My friend who doesnt even like sw that much...tros was actually the 2nd sw fim she’s ever seen...thought it was unnecessary as well and agrees with me a lot about my feelings despite not having the same intense emotional attachment to him as me. She for a moment thought they’d be together at the end but nope. Its just...pointless to me now, the sacrifices han, luke, and leia made to reach Ben are for nothing. Their deaths...pointless...Ben means so fucking much to me. I’ve never felt such an intense emotional bond with a character before so im just hurting so fucking much right now.

Rey taking the name Skywalker isnt hopeful or cute its a slap in the face honestly...and it’s just weird! 

The last Skywalker died loved and held by the woman he loved and that is beautiful to me. He died happy and a hero thats a balm at least...but to not let him be the one to kill palpatine...after everything EVERYTHING he put him and his family thru was another just fuck...i wanted justice for him and he just got thrown away

Ultimately...Ben and Rey are soulmates and their force bond was severed. Palpatine didnt take that from them because he couldnt have...again not how the force works....but JJ used that bond to be a battery???? the fuck...but ultimately hes forcing Rey to live the rest of her days with a gaping wound in her soul. a wound unable to be filled and will be with her for the rest of her life...thats so fucking tragic to me. you give rey someone who is her equal, who understands her, and you take him from her and force her to be alone for the rest of her life?? and we are supposed to not see that as a tragedy? Her being fineishness at the end of the film seemed like direction from either the writing or in the moment, but just further proves he didnt bother to even understand the lore he was using. Force bonds were considered i quess legends in the current SW canon but Rian brought it back...so it’s back. and well

  "A bond between two living beings is not something easily broken. It is not a choice… it is like breaking a feeling. Like turning away from the Force. To break a bond, your feelings would have to change, or one of you would have to die—but even then, the bond wouldn't go away, it would simply… it would simply be empty, a wound."―Master Zez-Kai Ell[src]

and .... the only way to break it was to turn away from the Force, as Surik did on Malachor V. So basically it all came down to creating a wound in the Force”

sooo yeah...im pissed i’d give this movie a 1 1/2 out of 5 

thank you for those who have read my rantings! I hope at least some of this made sense

[yeehawfolk]

hi! i dont mean to restart shit but i feel like the reason neurodivergent ppl butt heads over gifted kids so much is that to kids like me who had undiagnosed adhd that had me hide my report cards and tests in elementary school, its kind of a slap in the face to hear so many people who you were compared to and put down against talk about issues that have plagued you since you were super young, but framed in a way that only they could relate to! the education system fucks over both “gifted” AND-

-kids who were barely scrapping by! it just affects us at different stages of our lives, and for different reasons. tying my intelligence to my self worth, an inability to ask for help, always feeling like im underperforming, etc, these are all things that affect me because i dont want to be the ‘dumb kid’ again. i still have to do extra work my high achieving brother doesnt because my mom doesnt trust my intelligence!! + i also think that ppl are bitter yall cld do so well during school-

- in the end, i think our experiences are more like a mirror; “ure dumb and forever will be vs if u get less than the top of the class ure a failure and ur achievements dont matter” (also, personally, even after hearing all the shit the gifted program put yall thru, id love to have been a gifted kid. id rather know i have the capacity to be smart than be the kid who regularly scores in the bottom of the class)

Listen, I am neurodivergent. That's what my entire post is about, how because I was gifted, I was seen as ""too smart to be disabled"" and given no accomodations whatsoever, even though I greatly needed them. I was autistic, but nobody in the education system even THOUGHT to look at why I suddenly started failing classes when I got into 10th grade, nobody even thought to ask me why I was having such a hard time. Because if I was ""smart"" then I should be able to do good in advanced classes. So ergo, my struggling was laziness. Except for one teacher, who when I told her, told me I needed to suck it up and get my homework done or she was going to fail me.

Like, I'm not trying to demean your experiences in the school system or say "I had it worse than you", but the entire reason I made the post in the first place was because I was absolutely fucked by the gifted label in school because I was neurodivergent. The gifted label leaves no wiggle room. You're either smart and pass your classes, or you're lazy and get shit grades, according to teachers.

I had a burn out at 15 years old. Think about that. I was 15, a time where I should be hanging out with friends and doing fun things. But instead I fell to the floor of my bedroom and cried for over an hour because I just couldn't face the fact I didn't do my homework again and my teachers were going to fail me. I was so mentally unstable because of the expectations put on me by the gifted label, I was so scared of seeing that big fat F painted across my report card, that I just broke.

On top of that, I was placed in advanced classes or classes I didn't need because I was ""smart"" and it would look better for getting a ""smart"" job. They kicked me out of the one place I felt safe in the school, Art, and replaced it with electives I didn't need or want simply because it would look good on my college applications. They replaced my Language Arts classes with a ""Gifted Class"" in Middle School and specifically because of that, I have no idea how to structure an essay more than 6 paragraphs long. Every time I asked a teacher for help, they'd tell me to stay after school (which I couldn't at the time, I didn't have a ride) and wouldn't even explain in the simplest terms what they wanted because "You're smart [gifted] you should already know this."

You do NOT want to be a gifted kid. Trust me. Especially if you're neurodivergent, because gifted kids are basically pressured to be mini-adults as kids and when they don't respond as being a perfect pinnacle of maturity or smart-ness, they're said to have problems with laziness. Or ""behavioral issues"". I needed SO much in school, but because I was labelled as gifted, I never got any of it. If we need help with anything we're ""supposed"" to know, you're shit out of luck, because nobody will give it to you. "You're smart, you're supposed to know this!" Is our mantra, and eventually, we stop asking.

The reason I made the original post is because the ""gifted"" label is thrown at anyone who has even a moderate IQ score who ""think differently"" than others. See how that ties heavily into the neurodivergent community? Some people with the gifted label might be neurotypical, but a lot of them end up being neurodivergent later in life for the sole fact "they were too smart to be disabled" and nobody ever said "Hey, you Might be neurodivergent" because they were seen as smart.

Gifted kids don't have it easier. Our praise from adults is always tainted by "You could do better". We don't get accommodations we need. Our education is lax because we're already supposed to know it, despite never being taught whatever it is they expect us to know. Adults want to make all of our academic decisions on how smart they think we are. We're given double the work because "we can handle it". And worst of all, we're constantly beaten down with "You're so smart! Why aren't you understanding this?" As if not understanding something is somehow our fault.

The post wasn't being like "GOD GIFTED KIDS HAVE IT THE HARDEST IN SCHOOL BECAUSE OF X". It was "The neurodivergent community greatly intersects with the gifted community and their struggles in the school system need to be acknowledged and not talked over because of the notion 'gifted kids have it easier because they're smart'."

I'm not going to lie, most of the reason why I dropped out from 10th grade was because I just couldn't handle the expectations from my teachers to be the perfect student and hand in perfect papers. They beat down that 15 year old teenager who liked anime and Sonic and reading to the point where I had a complete mental breakdown and I begged my mom to let me quit. Begged her, on the floor, sobbing. I burnt out so bad I couldn't read a book for over 4 years. I'm just now starting to read again.

School is fucked. But the Gifted label adds another layer of Hell to it that neurodivergent kids just aren't equipped to handle, and I feel very strongly about letting these kids talk about what they went through, bitter people or not.

[poppytheorist]

American Kids

1. I had “American Kids” on the August list. Sorry for the delay, “I was busy,” “better late than never,” etc. Already straying from my schedule, looks like September is off to a great start! Also, this one’s both dense and obtuse, my bad. Anywho, here are some words:

2. As is typical, let’s gush first: “American Kids” is easily the most thematically interesting song on Bubblebath. The production is also the tightest. I mean, do you hear this instrumental? You know what? I’m just gonna say it: “American Kids” is the best song on Bubblebath.

3. If you take some time to look at the lyrics, you’ll see that “American Kids” is actually a super weird song. Half the lines seem like their own random tangents, so it’s left up to listeners to piece everything together themselves.

4. When listeners are challenged to consider the connections between seemingly unconnected ideas, they are forced out of worn ruts and must instead open themselves up to possible associations they had never considered. Poppy challenges listeners this way all the time.

5. Genius tells me that “American Kids” is Poppy’s take on the ‘blame the millennial’ movement. Partially true, but that omits elements of Poppy’s disenchantment with the world and her struggle to break free of the music industry’s commercializing squeeze.

6. You’re best off analyzing lyrics yourself rather than using Genius. Genius readings are watered-down so they can be easily digested by anybody and everybody. So, they’re usually devoid of anything interesting. See also: fast food, Marvel movies.

7. Perhaps it’s best to think of “American Kids” as Poppy’s worldview presented as a mosaic, with each piece being one of Poppy’s thoughts crystallized in time. Or think of the song as Poppy Splatoon-style painting a picture of her worldview. Whichever analogy works best for you.

8. In “American Kids,” Poppy lays down a foundation for her future work to build off of. By looking at the underlying foundation, we can see how Poppy’s views have changed as she’s matured. “American Kids” lays a lot of groundwork, so it’ll take a bit longer to get through.

9. Since “American Kids” is so random and bizarre, we will first start by picking out specific threads. These are chains of ideas that link together. At the end, we will weave all these threads into one fabric. If your reading is good, each piece should mesh together nicely. If not, then-

10. “American Kids” kicks off with Poppy acknowledging the limitations of her worldview. She knows she is only exposed to specific information (“I live under a rock”), and she only has certain tools to process said information (“with a blacklight”).

11. From these lines we get a sense of Poppy’s self-awareness. She recognizes there is much she doesn't understand. Honestly, this self-aware hedging is pretty refreshing, especially considering the abundance of people these days endlessly blaring opinions that aren’t even theirs to begin with.

12. Poppy’s introspection continues with the line: “I’m a dumb pop star in my own right.” Again, Poppy understands how she appears. This line also relates an element of disgust, almost as if she has been forced to become something she grew up hating.

13. Reinforcing this notion is: “Sold my soul to the man with a handshake.” However, Poppy expresses her determination to still #DoSomething with her platform, to use it for Good (“Lost control but I don’t think it’s too late”). This idea is explored further by “In A Minute.”

14. Poppy also gives us the fun line, “Forever 21 is cool if I make it,” where she expresses the necessary fluidity of a pop star’s values. In such a role, she has to make sacrifices to succeed, like promoting products she doesn’t really believe in. If she doesn’t, someone else will.

15. Later in the song, Poppy mentions: “It never happened like they say.” In what ways do expectations differ from reality? The lines, “Started life at age 15, got ahead with fake IDs,” and “We’re dying young on broadcast news,” provide insight.

16. To even have a chance as a singer, Poppy had to get a headstart on the competition by starting at “age 15” and by finding ways to ‘break the rules’ (“fake IDs”). This adds to the sacrifices necessary to succeed in the ferociously competitive rat-race that is the music industry.

17. Overall, the first verse tells of the compromises Poppy has made to ‘make it’ as a pop-idol, and of the self-dissatisfaction she feels after making said compromises. The second verse expands on these ideas, telling us how she has separated herself from her old life to make her new life possible.

18. Poppy tells of how she has put distance between herself and her parents (“Last time I told mom that “I love you””), how she has given up aspects of her past life (“last time I ate food from a drive-thru”), and how she has abandoned her old possessions (“burned all my shit”).

19. Poppy also explains how she has forsaken her “teen regrets,” referring to them as a “trip wire.” Basically, any old emotional attachments or ‘what-ifs’ would only distract her and slow her down, so out of mind they go.

20. “I think my father might be gay but I don’t know” is a weird line. It does add to the idea of separating from the past, but it may seem odd that Poppy would even be concerned with her father’s sexual orientation, especially if you’re coming from AIAG.

21. This isn’t the first time Poppy touches on this topic. In “Software Upgrade,” there’s the line: “So come on, baby, tell me, are you gay?” If you compare Poppy’s old use of language to her more recent work like AIAG, you can see a clear progression of her views on identity and gender.

22. With the line, “Boys aren’t even boys anymore,” we see a concern with the absence of structure from the dissolution of traditional gender roles, but Poppy’s newer work (notably “Am I A Girl?”) embraces the freedom of increased individuality instead of decrying it.

23. Poppy ties the second verse to the first with lines like: “I should be everything you hate” and “I should be higher now than space but I’m static.” Again, Poppy emphasizes the self-loathing she feels after abandoning her values to succeed as a pop-star.

24. Before the first chorus comes, “Girls, let’s put on all of our clothes,” where Poppy plants the seeds for her later work on the objectification of celebrities. This became Poppy’s most prevalent theme. See: her videos, her fashion appearances, and “Girls In Bikinis.”

25. On the chorus, Poppy reiterates her desire to remain ‘apart’ from American kids these days. She emphasizes her abstinence from using drugs, and says (hilariously) that she doesn’t “care about your party.”

26. Not only does Poppy reject young peoples’ lifestyles, she is baffled by how and why people adopt such vapid and empty lifestyles to begin with (“I just don’t get American kids”).

27. Credit where credit’s due: there’s one interpretation I actually liked from Genius. It’s a reading of the line, “Drugs don’t work like they did for my parents,” where Poppy points out how the use of drugs has changed over time.

28. In the past, drugs used to be used as a mind-expanding substance. Substances that freed the individual. Nowadays, drugs are almost a necessity, a toll for living in modern times. Drugs are now a crutch, a fix to get people through another day of crushing monotony.

29. Sewing time. Picking out associations elicited from the song is important, but anyone can do that. The hard part is tying these associations together into a cohesive whole. We ask ourselves: what is the overarching narrative? What does the bigger picture look like?

30. Consider the meta-narrative of “American Kids.” A self-aware pop star reflects, with a pinch of disgust, on the compromises she’s made to succeed. That she has distanced herself from her peers, her parents, and her past self to ‘make it.’ How would this someone feel?

31. “American Kids” leaves us with a feeling of alienation, of exasperation, of someone who is disenchanted with modern society, yet has been forced to exist within its boundaries to succeed. “Liberty isn’t cheap and it ain’t free.” Huh, guess Poppy’s right.

32. Poppy’s final slash is delivered with: “I’m a millennial, blame it all on me.” It’s easier to point fingers than find solutions. But, in the words of Sum 41: “When we all fall down, who will take the blame?”

33. There’s one last part of “American Kids” I mentioned, but didn’t explain. Remember the instruments? Yeah, turns out those are kinda important. They’re harder to ‘read’ than lyrics, but if you’re analyzing music, it’s folly to ignore them.

34. Throughout “American Kids” are snippets of sound, flurries of voices that seep into the track. As Poppy closes the track, repeating “American kids,” her voice becomes increasingly distorted and muddied by other chatter until her signal is swallowed by a sea of noise.

35. At the end of “American Kids,” the gale of noise abruptly ends and we’re left with a final, echoing cry from Poppy, one that slowly fades into the background. “Is that symbolism?” Yeah, something like that.

[bonelessice]

So. Some facts about my life as of right now and why i really insist on selling art to get out of this situation:

I am slapped around pretty regularly when things go wrong. Into stuff, in the face, only when i disagree, disappoint, or try to defend myself. this happens to me a lot during seizures to since i get upset and can move for a second trying to power through them.

When im not getting slapped im shoved against walls and yelled at, nose to nose and at risk of again getting hit. During these times its best i just stand down and let myself be forced to follow whatever orders im given even if its working a job unpaid that my mother doesn't feel like doing even though she signed up for it.

the rest is under the cut since this is getting long.

I have been threatened with extreme violence. A conversation that stands out is my mother, after i decided i would rather give her money than keep it for myself she told me "you say that one more time, I'm stopping the car and pulling you out by the hair and kicking your ass, stomping your face on the sidewalk." this was from me trying to be nice.

I am unable to spend time with a male friend without her seriously insinuating i should marry him (he's made it clear he likes me.) and even after having a big sobbing breakdown telling her how disgusting it feels as to be accused of doing indecent things like that bc of my genophobia and her threats to put me on birth control just for speaking to him she still wont stop.

Has openly admitted to hating my cat and abuses him by scare tactics of screaming, hitting him with fly swatters, and just being an asshole.

Knows all the symptoms of my depression/adhd/seizures and still treats me like shit when they manifest. since my seizures are nonepileptic theyre triggered mostly by stress. so i have a lot of those. 

Complains about how much of a burden i am to her, how much money is going in to trying to get me a job, taking care of me, ect. about how frustrating it is, knowing i cant do anything about it since. Surprise. I cant pay until i have the job. the thing is, its not like im not activly trying to get a job. I am. like she will literally complain about this on the way to the office for a job im 100% going to get if i can just get medical work done. so pretty much yelling at me for fucking nothing. Something that will be solved as soon as im working but she has to hurt me by making me feel useless.

Is VIOLENTLY lgbtphobic. Treats people and my bisexual cousin like shit because of it. I fear for my safety if i ever came out as anything but what she knows me to be, which is straight. this is not true.

Has abused her recent boyfriend, a 70+ year old man. Hit him in the face with a glass knowing he was weak from a recent injury. and has done plenty of other verbally and emotionally abuisive stuff to him. Has also joked about the previous animals she abused as if it wasnt entirely fucked up. for example she talked happily and fondly about the time she tied one of her old dogs to a tree in the middle of the woods in the country bc she didnt want him anymore and thought it was so funny. Just generally doesnt feel like a safe person to be around if they can see that as anything but fucked up.

And the list goes on but those are basics. I really am at my limit here and i want to make money to move to virginia to live with my father's side of the family and be free from this. My goal is enough money for me and my cousin whos also facing this abuse to be able to taxi to work for a bit until we start getting paychecks when my dad has no time to drive us when we move out. id also like to you know. start saving up for my own place so anything you give will help get us out of here.

now heres some art examples, my commission page:

i think its very cheap, people tell me that. also this is an old page and i plan on updating some of the art up here soon but this is a pretty accurate rep of my work i think. so if you want to be kind and pay more or something, i accept money thru cash app. if that doesnt work for you come talk to me, actually if you want anything come talk to me. im also thinking of making a kofi so i will keep yall posted.

[tumblunni]

Oh and just to clarify that the long time it took for me to get this surgery isnt a sign the nhs is bad or anything! I just had complications due to my life situation. Cos of my autism and anxiety i REALLY REALLY cant cope with having surgery done on me while im awake, even if im numbed up. The panic reaction is so strong and involuntary that i cant stop shaking and risk messing up the surgery becaue of it, not to mention the chamce of doing worse damage to myself in a panic attack. So i had to specifically be sent to the main hospital and receive overnight anesthetic, and i had to have a longer stay than usual because i live alone with no parents or lifr partner who could watch over me during my recovery. So the actual surgery itself just took three hours and the worst part was the anxiety of having to wait about 18 more hours in a busy hospital feeling perfectly fine but unable to go home until the observation period had passed and also til i was able to get a lift home with my psychologist. I am SO grateful she was able to support me with this!! So yeah i basically had to have the ultra deluxe complicated version of the regular surgery which also had to correlate with a time my psychologist would be free, and thats why ut was hard for them to find a time to schedule it. And most of the waiting was initially because of me being a dumbass and being too afraid to tell anyone i was in pain and too afraid to go to the doctor. I think it must have been almost four years of that? And then it was just a two year wait of going thru pre-assessments and waiting for a time slot for this final full operation. Which is still a frustrating time to wait but i understand tat the circumstances made it difficukt and also this isnt really an emergency surgery so yeah. I was just making a lot of frustrated posts about it over the last few years cos the waiting PROCESS is really bad, yknow? You barely get any information on how long you have to wait, its just all left up in the air that it could be any time in the next year and yoy'll get a very short notice letter right when its about to happen and npthing else for months at a time. And the automated phone service is badly made and yeah basically just a bunch of lame decisions made by the accounting section of the company that ended up increasing my anxiety, lol.

But seriously id way rather have this than having "only if you can pay for it" surgery! I mean when i finally got there it was all SO amazing and hi tech and highly staffed and everyone was so nice and it was all so fast and efficient and really comfy and everyone made you feel at home and you got a private cubicle with a lockable door and free food like 5 times a day like holy shit they wouldnt stop giving me The Best Toast In The World and my throat hurt but i felt it woulf be impolute to not Honor Their Toastly Kindness! So many of my worries about the experience were totally unfounded dumb hollywood myths that dont happen at all in british hospitals. And they still manage to run such a well oiled machine of amazing professionals and above excellent patient service despite how bad our economy is right now! I overheard them talking about jow their budget is lower ths year and i was like "holy shit but you guys are so amazong?? How do you manage??" I cant even imagine what it must have been like back when doctors got better salaries! Seriously they just WOULD NOT STOP PAMPERING ME it was so WEIRD!!! Comfy adjustable beds and reclining super soft sofa and this whole personal room and people coming in with trolleys full of a wide selection of really damn amazing breakfast foods and they even gave you special comfort socks for the long time of bed rest to avoid ankle swelling and they were like friggin cinderella scene insisting on putting the socks on for you?? I felt so embarassed in the good way for once! Blushing cos it was total prince treatment! And none of that "oh drugs are so expensive you have to go without necessary medicine in order to pay the bills" shit, they kept offering me optional medicines thatd make every part of the surgery easier and were like "please dont worry about accepting them, its the government's job to make sure youre free of pain so just be honest if youre feeling bad". But seriously the surgery was all so swift and done with great precision and i had such kind care and warm drinks and SO MUCH JAM ON MY TOAST that i felt like my mouth was okay even without the extra painkiller dose. And then i expected id just have to buy my own paracetamol once i was discharged from surgery but they gave me a big box of extra strength jaw surgery specific paracetamol for free! All of this was free! I got free goddamn cosmetic reconstruction on my teeth that i never even asked for and i was like holy shit when i looked in the mirror lol. I just expected everything to be gone but they put this reconstructive cap thing to replace the front teeth just jn case i was worried about the appearance of the gap between them. And SO MUCH goddamn free food holy shit im so toasted out! And free tv and wifi and showers and a warm comfy sofa and just a nice day of chilling out in a very weird sort of luxury hotel, lol. And the gift shop was also super cheap and full of necessities! And the nurse was so kind that i was able to hand her the money and she went to the gift shop for me when i was too dizzy to walk. I needed new headphones cos mine broke on the way there, and she got me a staff discount on them and picked out the cutest best pair! UNICORN DRAGON PATTERN!! Im gonna keep them FOREVER holy shit they look so cool and for a £1 discount pack they have sonmuch better sound quality and noise cancellation than the more expensive ones i had before. And the whole gesture just really touched me, it cheered me up so much to have a giggle at some adorable fashion headphones and see my nurse jamming along to ed sheeran to test that they worked, and she was just so sassy and jokey and we even had a contest between all of the nurses comparing our silly socks! Seriously it was just SO welcoming and unscary and had a lot more privacy than i expected and a lot less heavy restrictions and stuff and jusy EVERYONE WAS SO NICE AND SO GOOD AT THEIR JOB and did i mention THE BEST TOAST EVER

So yeah i dont think im scared of hospitals anymore. And i feel guilty about all the panicky posts i made before i went in for this operation, i hope i didnt give anyone the wrong impression that i was some longknowing person making factual complaints about the nhs as opposed to a first time hospital visitor with anxiety who was imagining every possible way it could go wrong. Absolutely none of my fears happened and it was way nicer than i ever imagined! Im kinda looking forward to the followup appointment in 2 weeks just so i can say thank you again and also have more money to buy some spares of those good headphones from the gift shop.

I hope everyone else out there who has to deal with medical disasters gets doctors just as nice as these ones!!!