#idk if the socializing factor will improve though

[strooples]

IDK if I already apologized but I’m super super sorry guys since my motivation to draw/make arts is very sporadic. Most of the time I’m basically running on 10% energy, drained from work + other life stuff ;~;.

I’ll eventually make more fanarts! I have no clue how consistent the fanart inspirations will be though bc I get intensely interested in some things at a time, then suddenly lose the interest, and maybe 3 months or 3 years later I’d suddenly gain it again??? Sometimes, it’s also not that I fade out of interest but that I lose things to talk about, or how I often fall a bit behind (if the franchise is continuing, or if most people are ahead in the show/story/game). ((Heyo, at least the good news is that I’ve been interested long enough that some people know me as the girl obsessed with lego ninjas and Kai Hiwatari lolol))

But to get back on topic: I really want to make more drawings, since I made this blog to interact with others (art seems to be the best way to engage with people for me?? esp since my abilities to make funny memes/jokes are sorta limited/bad).

Then again, IDK how to break into already-established circles who enjoy similar interests. I like the Bakuten Shoot fandom, but I’m too nervous to approach anyone even if you guys seem all so cool :(. Or I like Ninjago, but it’s a super super big fandom and a handful of people with interesting theories seem to pop up again and again, so it seems hard to be a newbie to the online spaces bc you may end up talking to no one. And there’s other stuff I barely engage with, but I think the fandoms seem chill + hilarious to be around (currently coming to mind is Ace Attorney, Hades, and JoJo fandoms). But I don’t exactly know where to begin to draw stuff or to talk about the stories.

So IG that is my dilemma…

I’ve never been the greatest with interacting with people IRL, and it sort of pours into online where perhaps physical impressions aren’t an issue (you don’t have to think about stuff like body language and tone of voice). But ofc things like banter, casual conversation, the right amount + style of mutual exchanges, and not overthinking things still seem difficult to me.

But yeah, hopefully I’ll have some motivation and ideas the next time a bit of free time clears up?? And I hope to have more interactions over stuff we all enjoy!! Maybe it gets easier over time, online at least?

[niqabisinparis]

My honest take on every driver on the grid (no DTS influence) in no particular order

Albon - a real cutie patootie with underrated talent but not wdc material whatsoever

Russell - a little overrated. good control of his car but also not wdc material. I like his new vibe but v much seems to be overcompensating for being a bit of a prick and trying to be more relatable on social media. seems insecure

max - a killer forged from pure grit and sweat. has the skill and fire for prob 2 more wdcs but his weak self control will get to him. love his idgaf attitude when it comes to media and social. super weird that he’s dating piquet’s daughter but love his relationship w penelope

Lewis - undisputed decorated champion built from pure hard work. so underrated that sometimes he underestimates himself. the serena williams of the sport. needs to be more selfish/aggressive/and cocky in public to earn the respect he deserves. king of defense and overtakes

leclerc - also underrated but undercutting his own raw talent by being passive and not taking control of his race strategy. needs to be more aggressive with defense and overtakes

sainz - correctly rated. decent consistent driver who’s level headed but prob no wdc in his future due to silly decisions

daniel- overrated af and overly confident in his own skill. feels entitled to a good car even though he’s done nothing when he had them. the “personality hire” joke is def not a joke

yuki- didn’t like him at first due to his temper and manner of speaking to his engineers but seems to have calmed down. his race craft is clean af now but still lacking consistency but could be from the car. def deserves an RB seat before daniel

checo - idk enough about his career history to comment but seems like a “skate by on decent results in good a team” kinda driver. his one redeeming factor was consistency and that’s gone too. can’t defend or attack for shit.

logan- so bad that the “he was put into f1 too early” excuse just doesn’t cut it anymore. More than half the season gone and no improvement is embarrassing. I can tell he’s trying but he just doesn’t have it and is costing an already broke team so much by crashing every race. like do u even know how to drive this car?

lando - has the raw skill and seems to lock in and deliver but only when the situation is in his favor. but when he does lock in it’s beautiful. still too green and lacks consistency. weak mentally and leans towards negativity which fucks up his aura. gives “tortured former gifted child” vibes. def see a wdc in his future

oscar - solid driver and level headed. could be wdc material but yet to see. a bit passive. no personality but not in a fun kimi raikkonen way

alonso- he’s just here for fun. genuinely don’t think he’s trying to relive glory days. one of the greats but also liiiiittle overrated due to his bravado. amazing defense and even more amazing memes. want to see him attack in a good car again. he def has that dog in him

stroll - why is he still here but also love having someone to hate. did u know his dad has a $200M yacht?

bottas - genuinely heartbroken that he went from number 2 in a winning team to now being a laughing stock. we all know a good car doesn’t guarantee results and he delivered every day in merc while being a great teammate. but also lacks the fire and killer instinct to make anything more of his career

zhou - literally no feelings. no skill, no personality, don’t know why he’s here.

Nico - somehow over and underrated at the same time? the most consistent with good race craft but skill set plateaued years ago. don’t know if he’d deliver in a better car. good overtakes tho

Kevin - love the guy but hard to defend. I think the skill is there he’s just messy and can’t lock in

pierre- great raw talent and super hard worker. can tell he’s good enough to deliver in a midfield/top team. don’t know if he’s wdc material tho

ocon- good talent but the negative narrative built around him is def getting to his head and making him messy. there’s potential but it’s still really deep inside and don’t know if he’d uncover it before it’s too late.

[heylinfanclub]

Me: 3/4th face easy

Also me: challenge yourself

Me: but…. EASE.

[uncanny-tranny]

your recent posts about fetishization made me think of how i sometimes worry that i won't be attractive after i medically transition. more specifically, that i wont be attractive to the men i like. which is so messed up, because transitioning will make my life so much better, and fix 90% of my problems, and yet i still worry about such shallow things. it makes me feel "not trans enough", it makes me feel gross, and it's just... idk it's messed up

The fetishization is messed up, but I don't blame you for operating under it. Value is placed on men and masculine people (both cis and trans) based on how consumable they are to other people. Men who deviate aren't always treated well, and I absolutely don't blame anybody for operating under that framework. Couple that with transphobic abuse ("don't you want to stay pretty?" when medical transition is brought up), and you've got a really bad recipe for internalized hatred and transphobia.

Before going on testosterone I was (perhaps still am) weary of being "undesirable." I was worried about my "bad" genes, my "bad" facial and body structure, my "bad" existence, and I was worried that testosterone would highlight that which is undesirable of men. I think most of that was influenced by the way people try to force trans bodies (in this case, trans bodies who are or will be masculine) into being a consumable product; i.e. "if you're going to be a man, at least look hot or it's for nothing!". While I still feel the effects of this transphobia, my mental state has improved, and I find that it's easier to quell those narratives within myself; sure, maybe I'm not the socially desirable man, but I'm desirable as myself to the right people.

It's not a determining factor of your transness if you feel this way, anon. It's very, very hard to undo years of other peoples' transphobia being fed to you, and it's very hard to undo something when it feels dark. That I absolutely don't think makes you "not trans." I think you'll find that there are many people (myself included) who know how you feel, and who know what that's like. Take it from me, though, if you know you want to transition, a lot of the time, it will help your mental state. In transitioning, I've learned what I value, and what I value truly and without doubt is being true. I've learned to feel (even a bit) better about myself, and what it looks like for my to cater to myself instead of kowtow to anyone.

[captainofthetidesbreath]

Hi, continuing a bit a conversation about sets, if you don't mind. Do you think its possible that they will return to the table sitting with c3? Or the new set would be similar as to what we have now - separate tables? I won't lie, cast back at the table would be great, but idk how are covid regulations affecting the set as of right now. On another note I imagine c3 starting November-December, what do you think? Anyways, hope you're having a good day!

prev. post about CritRole sets

Of course! I love talking production speculation.

I believe that the C3 set will not be socially distanced, and they're building it hoping the COVID situation will stabilize and improve by the time they intend to start. Based on a lot of factors, including what I feel is the clear heavy emotional toll of having had to complete C2 socially distanced, it feels to me like the production wishes to start C3 together and airing live.

I haven't been keeping strict tabs on what Hollywood production regulations are currently and how things are going in California in general, though I know the previous agreement about working conditions and guidelines expired in June. Last I heard in the early summer and through the spring, things were going pretty well on Hollywood sets, and CritRole was running stricter guidelines than that.

Personally, at this time, I imagine C3 will air in January at earliest, and I've felt this way for a long time. Take the late summer and autumn to air other content, particularly any content I speculated in the other post they intend film during the late summer and early autumn, take all of December off for winter break, return in mid-January in the new year. At the moment, I personally expect January 13. This makes sense from a content rotation standpoint and takes advantage of natural breaks in the year. It also buys them time to maintain a holding pattern until the COVID situation (hopefully!!) stabilizes and improves.

[auddityy]

I have the same sun and moon as you. But my Mars is in cancer. How can one overcome something like that? Lately I feel like I can’t do anything, and this feeling continues to grow as I do. I included my sun and moon because I’m assuming it tells you something about me, I’ve followed you long enough to see that we share this.

Mars is action as I understand it? Im starting to think I need to work out of spite to make any action. Idk. it’s where my best successes have come from. But lately I’m stagnant. Really feeling I cannot do anything. Even though I’ve done so much.

So Im wondering how to overcome a ‘fall’ in a placement (ex: Mars in cancer). Or more broadly, how to overcome any distinctly negative thing.. Or is it all insurmountable?

mars isn't as vague as "action"

planetary dignity isn't something you can overcome, it changes the way in which a planet manifests in you and in your world, read this on my wordpress if you haven't already, mainly the part on ozzy and the closing paragraph

you evaluate martian subjects of young men, war, strife, military, police, weapons and so on from a cancerian lens. your first thoughts when contemplating a war in some area is "how does it affect families living there" etc. you'd also tend to attack people at the root, personally, going for their family and so on. nobody likes to be asked "how does this war affect the enemy" and people think personal attacks are playing dirty, so you can see how the quality of "fall" manifests: socially unacceptable, disrespected, "low" ways of thinking, stuff nobody wants to hear/see

it helps that your moon is in aries, so mars and moon have mutual reception, which improves the situation a lot, mars is much stronger than you think... with the moon aries square mars i have a feeling that would lend you more towards the hyper-sincere side of cancer, having outbursts of self-expression that accidentally share way too much sensitive and maybe disgusting information about yourself. i have this problem though i have moon aries square jupiter cancer which is kinda the opposite as you since jupiter is exalted. maybe the opposite of what i said is true and you're frustrated from having to protect yourself and hide all the time. perhaps both dynamics tugging at each other

to place you in real-time i'd need your full chart because the other placements and the rising are very relevant, it's impossible to say that the stagnation you're going through is solely determined by mars cancer because it's not, and may not even be the main factor, like maybe you have a night chart and saturn opposite the ascendant ruler or mars, that would definitely give you a feeling of personal stagnation/difficulty. mars being an action oriented planet is usually not the one stopping a person from acting. dm me

[robotpals]

hey! idk if you're still taking questions about mhc, but i'm committed to mt holyoke for this fall and still not 100% sure. i kind of have a lot, so answer as many or as few as you'd like lol they're in order of priority

completely honestly, how much do people still call it a "women's college"? it was a really big factor for me that mhc was gender diverse, and since visiting has been kind of funky this year, it's been hard to tell how committed the school actually is to trans allyship (full disclosure, i'm a cis girl) and how much the students try to respect that

related to how welcome men and nonbinary folks feel-- when i show up on campus, are like 99% of the students going to be women (trans or cis), or am i being overly pessimistic about the remaining emphasis on women?

sustainability is a big focus for me, and was a factor that actually had me leaning away from mhc (most of the other schools i applied to were shooting for carbon neutrality years before 2037, and had more options for composting and such). the actual question part is: how hard would it be to try to be low/zero waste on campus (esp. plastics)? would the dining halls be able to accommodate that (outside of COVID years)? are there any significant obstacles i might run across?

i'd also like to get more politically involved in college, are there a lot of opportunities for that? (like, protests, or mutual aid, or politically oriented clubs)

how hard is it to get the classes you want? how many classes did you personally take at the other consortium colleges? (or if you're not comfortable with that, what might the average be?)

thank you so much! i'm sorry if this is too much or my tone is weird, and feel free to redirect me for any of this

Hello! Congratulations to you as well -- whether it’s where you end up or not, you should know that I’m proud of you for applying and being accepted! I’m not sure how helpful I’ll be for some of your questions, but I can certainly try to answer them. I’m putting a read-more because I have a feeling my answers may be long!

As to your first question, MHC still is a women’s college -- though a gender diverse one (I know that isn’t a helpful answer, but I think it describes the culture best!). Maybe the best way to think of it is that Mt Holyoke’s history is deeply steeped in what being a women’s college means: a lot of the traditions and details of the school can be traced back to its days as a women’s seminary. The fact that it was a place for women to get an education in a time when typically women couldn’t is something to be proud of, and definitely something that students celebrate -- though of course the category of “woman” who could be educated in the college’s early days was very limited to white affluent women. Something that I appreciated about MHC was it felt like nearly all of my fellow students were as social justice oriented as I am -- so there were always discussions about recognizing the college’s failings and history of discrimination, as well as celebrating those students who pushed for diversity and opened the doors to students who wouldn’t have been admitted in the college’s early days. That doesn’t mean that mhc is perfect, and as a white woman I’m not the best person to talk about those issues, but in general I thought the student body was willing to have hard discussions and advocate for critically examining mhc’s past.

I think my years there were interesting because my first year was the year the college announced it would accept trans women (the first of the “seven sisters” / historic east coast women’s colleges to do so!), though prior to my arrival trans men (those who applied still closeted/questioning and then came out while a student) were enrolled. I should disclose that I, too, am a cis woman! So any thoughts I have on what it’s like for trans students is based entirely on conversations with trans friends and not personal experience. Basically, though MHC is a women’s college, I think the large population of lgbt students means that gender/respect for trans students is more at the forefront than it would be at some other schools. I’m currently a student at a Big 10 state university for a masters program, and I definitely think that MHC was way more accepting of gender diversity than here -- asking about pronouns and respecting people’s gender identities were totally commonplace at MHC seven years ago, but undergrads I know at this university have said that there are lots of students who treat discussions about respecting pronouns as a joke :/ -- I hope that MHC has only continued to improve its treatment of gender diverse students since I was there.

That being said, there are definitely transphobic students -- and unfortunately, old and bigoted staff members. I remember when I was a student, the college released a memo for staff/faculty that said that emails to the student body shouldn’t use gendered language (like saying “Hey girls” or whatever LOL) and while every student I talked was in support of that, there were definitely rumors of some older professors throwing fits about that. I don’t remember any terfs on campus -- thank god -- but there was a “young republicans” student group that was super obnoxious (they only had three members LOL but they complained CONSTANTLY about how other students telling them to shut up was infringing on their first amendment rights). 

I have no idea what the numbers are, but when I was a student, it definitely seemed like the vast majority of students were women/women-aligned (cis, trans, or nb) or nonbinary, so if you really want a campus with more men, MHC may not be a great choice.

As far as sustainability: I really don’t know. I know that a big discussion when I was a student was divestment from fossil fuels, and MHC refused to make any promises to divest. When I was a student, there were a couple student advocacy groups dedicated to challenging the college to be more sustainable, so if you want to learn more, I would try to find info about those organizations and ask them. Sorry I don’t know more! For some reason I thought MHC composted, but I don’t know for sure -- I know that when you finish eating, you just put your plate on a conveyor belt and there are dining hall staff who sort through what’s what. Again, you could reach out to dining and ask! And if you end up at MHC and they aren’t composting, I think that would be something they might be open to implementing -- advocacy is key.

For political involvement, I think there are lots of opportunities! MHC is in a fairly rural location, but students on campus when I was there organized marches, walk-outs, and protests for the student body. There are advocacy groups for different interests, as well as cultural groups that organized events around specific issues. It’s definitely a campus where you can get involved with issues that are important to you. Again, I don’t know what the culture is like at other colleges, but in comparison to my graduate program, activism at MHC was far more robust.

For classes, I never had trouble taking the classes I wanted! But to be fair, my majors were uncommon enough that that isn’t too surprising (religion and ancient studies LOL). Among my friends, no one seemed to have trouble getting the classes they wanted -- the only class that I remember people having trouble getting into was a class on the history of witchcraft in the gender studies department! Which is SO mt holyoke LOL. 

I only took one class outside mhc -- which in retrospect I regret not taking more -- it was a class on Icelandic saga literature at umass amherst. It was a really fun class, and I enjoyed getting the glimpse into what life would have been like if I had gone to a big state school for undergrad! Overall, I thought the process for taking a class off campus was super easy and the only downside was the bus ride was like half an hour.

I hope my answers make sense! I feel like I should disclose that I’m finishing up my grad school program this week (!) so I’ve been particularly nostalgic for undergrad recently -- I’m stressed about exams, so my rose tinted glasses are ON 🙃 but I hope this has been helpful! I think that so many people make it seem like college is the most perfect wonderful time ever, but in actuality it’s pretty weird -- people living away from home for the first time, trying to figure themselves out, exploring their interests and passions, etc. ... so I would encourage you not to think of college as a perfect place, but a place where you will have room to grow! I definitely had times where I HATED being a student at mhc, but I certainly would have had those times anywhere I went -- and in the end, I’m glad I chose mt holyoke and I think it was a place I was able to grow and flourish into who I am today!

[spiders-hth-is-an-outlier]

So... doing my best to speak from my own experience only, I just want to give an example of how identities are constructed categories and why it's not always sensible to assume that standardizing a definition clarifies things or makes them easier.

When I first came out and had contact with The Community, I was in my late teens and it was the early 1990s. So my language and my thinking came from people I considered experts, or at least more experienced, and that mainly meant people whose sense of themselves was forged post-Stonewall and in the heat of the AIDS crisis and, in situations where women predominated, through interaction (positive and negative) with second-wave feminism.

And I didn't have cause to analyze it at the time, because it was water to the fish, but the way we used terms about identity had everything to do at that time with one's commitment, if you will -- to say you were gay, to say you were a lesbian, to say you were here and queer, was perceived as a kind of pledge of loyalty, like a religious conversion. It meant that you were (even if you had to be closeted some of the time) removing yourself to whatever degree possible from the comfortable privileges of full participation in Straightlandia, and instead saying I don't belong with them, I'm coming with you now.

So in a way that I'm sure seems weird to people who never experienced it, there was really no interest in auditing someone's sexual history or the contents of their inner world in order to vet them. You could have slept with 700 men and married five of them, but if you said you were a lesbian now, you just kind of were, because that wasn't seen as a statement about your past, but about your future behavior. You had "changed teams," and everybody just kind of groked that and didn't question it.

I think when you understand that, it's easier to understand certain other things, like where a lot if intra-community biphobia comes from. Because self-identifying as bisexual was conflated with refusing to join the team, with lack of commitment. When your sexual identity isn't really built out of the sum of your thoughts and actions, but out of your promise to stay and share your life experiences with others like you -- insisting that you were bisexual (and I say this as someone who is! and did!) sounds like "idk, man, we'll see."

This expectation that belonging to the community meant surrendering Straightlandia, and that bisexuals were choosing not to choose, did help create the tight container of mutual aid that helped the queer community survive the rocky decades of learning how to exist visibly while half of us were actively dying, but it wasn't actually great for bisexual people, or at least for those of us who did feel committed and did want to be clear that we were in it for the long haul. It was tough to navigate with the language and the ideas we were given, and what very frequently happened is that we just kind of... got old enough to start pairing up, and we started using the language of whatever group we'd thrown in our future fortunes with.

So you'd have women who say they're straight, who think and feel straight, but if you get them talking, they'll tell you they dated women at one point, and actually their first heartbreak was this girl in high school, or whatever. But that's the past to them; it doesn't bear on what they see in their future, so it's not how they identify now. Or you have women who've been in lesbian relationships for ages, who are perceived by their neighbors and co-workers and family and friends as lesbians, who just kind of -- stopped relating to their younger bisexual selves and started perceiving themselves as gay. Because that's how we learned it, you know? Your queerness is about settling in where you belong, life-wise, and then that life forms your felt identity.

And now it's very different. Now the expectation is that you begin internally, by analyzing your subjective feelings, and you identify them: you feel this way sexually about women, this way romantically about men, this way about the genderfluid, all these infinite shades of perception and reaction. You locate the word that most accurately describes the shape of your experiences as a whole, and that's your identity, the thing you feel most like. And then that felt identity shapes whether or not you belong to the community, whether you "get to" go to Pride or whatever (I assure you, in the 90s it never occurred to us that straight people would perceive attending Pride events as a treat we were withholding from them).

(By the way, I'm framing this as generational because I think it is to some degree, but there's no such thing as a monoculture, and even in the US, which is what I'm describing, there are still parts of the community, particularly in conservative locations and I think particularly in mostly male communities, where the dominant understanding of identity still is this "older" model of loyalty-first, of disinterest in the details of your past so long as you have your teammates' backs.)

And I think -- on balance, it's an improvement. Letting people just be bisexual their whole lives long is way better for a lot of reasons, and has additionally been good for the community -- it might challenge some people to relate to the heterosexually-paired as Teammates, but keeping the energy and wisdom of people who were once expected to retire their gay gun and badge has added to our numbers and diversity.

It does mean that there's a certain culture now of trying to force people to match their experiences to The Correct Definitions, and I notice a depressing number of people questioning others, or even worse themselves, over whether they really qualify as X based on things they've said or done before. That looks ugly to me, and it makes me long for the days of being able to say, whatever, the past is the past, let them focus on who they're going to be going forward.

But then, our pasts really don't disappear, and I don't miss back when people were kind of expected to pretend that the person they were and the people they loved at 24 stop counting for anything at some point. Life is complicated, life is a flow of constant changes, but we should get to keep our pasts. They're ours. And of course, even if you've never loved anyone at all, you can experience your mind and heart as queer (or as whatever other word feels good to you) -- I think that's a powerful insight that would have been entirely alien to me 25 years ago, but it's true.

Anyway, I think what I'm saying is that life is not an infographic, and people fit words to their life stories not according to strict and objective dictionary definitions, but based on social and ideological factors that construct the categories we move inside. And people who use words in ways that don't make sense to you are maybe coming from a whole worldview that's opaque to you, and maybe learning who they are is key.

(This is not a post about why it's okay to say that Eliot Waugh is gay even though he's been known to enjoy sex with women, but it could be? Like, if that's what you get out of it, you're not wrong.)

[crowwstudies]

hello!! i’m selena and i’m back after years of not being active on this site. i still go here for inspiration but i reblog lately. rn and i’m in a slump because we have been in quarantine in almost a month and i haven’t left the house in a solid two weeks (so i’m making this post to try to cope). yes, we’re all in quarantine rn and i know y’all are looking for ways to cope/distract yourselves/be productive during this time. also, i’ll do my best to be realistic because i’m also trying to find ways to cope based on experience.

i will emphasize, NO ONE is going to pressure anyone into being productive during the quarantine because we all just want to get by.

“but what if i’m doing well during this quarantine and i just what to let time pass by?”

then this post is for you !!

1. schedule what you can do for the day

maybe we all keep saying we’re bored, we have nothing to do, we feel so unproductive this and that; so i could suggest making a list of what you do during the day to fill up the time slots of your day. this all depends on what time you wake up and what time you go to sleep (my sleep schedule is wack lately lmao i just wanted to share)

once you feel that you still have nothing to do or you still have gaps in your schedule, then you could look for more ideas on what to do or just simply take a nap (because i swear to god naps are the best). maaaaaybe you could try a new hobby and finally commit to it (no pressure, though, after all we’re going through a pandemic)

if you want some printables on a daily schedule, i have some links

universi-tea  moodyprintables

2. declutter your room, organize your desk, make everything prettier !!

okay so quarantine. we’re all stuck in our rooms, our houses, and whatever else you see. so why not make everything more pleasing to the eyes? maybe, through decluttering, you’ll find something that will remind you of something (i hope it isn’t something bad tho) and maybe you have some decors that you haven’t hung up like string lights. but please, before the string lights, consider the electricity bill, especially for families that don’t have a source of income rn.

you could also handcraft your own decorations, and speaking of that, i could transition to my next suggestion, which is...

3. try out crafting

of course, with the materials you have in your reach. you could make origami, perhaps a curtain of paper cranes, a wall of paper flowers, a string of paper decorations? these links below could suggest more

diy paper room decorations diy yarn room decorations easy wall art diy home accents fabric projects

there are more ideas on the internet, and maybe you have other materials you have stored in your house !! you can search up more diy projects based on that and you could put a twist to the ideas you see on the internet

4. have a try at journaling

based from my experience, self-isolation leads us into being stuck with our thoughts. so, journaling is one way to let out those thoughts. there are a lot of ways to journal, whether traditionally or digitally, and there are a lot of ideas on the internet. if you don’t know where to get started, here are a few useful posts out of the shitton of posts you can find on the internet

bullet journaling: a guide by bujowsofie 31 day journal challenge by coffeeandpoem journaling ideas/inspiration by gh0stylt 15 things to collect in your journal by improving-slowly 150 self-discovery and bullet journal prompts by undersoilanddirt masterpost of journal prompts by undersoilanddirt

5. learn a new language

have you ever attempted to learn a new language but was never able to commit to it? now is like... a perfect time since we have possibly months of quarantine so we’re gonna be stuck here doing nothing lol anyways you don’t have to commit either if you don’t absolutely feel like it. it’s really up to you if you want to do this for a long time since this is a way to pass time for the quarantine period. here are useful links and masterposts for people trying to learn a new language

how to learn a language when you don’t know where to start by escapetoluna 2+ months of language learning prompts by amillionlanguages language learning masterpost by languagessi tips for starting a langblr by join-the-dutch-clan

6. pick up a new hobby

there are lots of hobbies you can learn with the help of youtube (or online courses, if you can afford it; and as they say,, hope all..) here is a list of hobbies i could suggest 

drawing/painting photography playing a musical instrument writing handcrafting cooking/baking sewing

7. start working out at home

there are a lot of ways to get fit (since diets and meal plans are a difficult option ngl especially where i live in), and working out does not require equipment. you could perhaps use applications (i personally use Home Workout), or you could do yoga by watching and imitating what instructors do on youtube. you could even try getting flexible during the quarantine period or even study your favorite dances (or even just a little bit of zumba!!)

8. do some advance studying in your academics

yes. i hate mentioning this. but if your online classes aren’t suspended (hello @ my school idk what you’re doing but it’s not effective at all for underprivileged students) then you better check your priorities LMAO. i do wish that whatever situation you are in is conducive for you to be able to learn, but if you’re done with your academics you could do some advance studying so that you can get a headstart once you go back to “normal”.

9. oooooor you could study an online course you are interested in

there are free courses offered by the ivy league rn, here is the link !!

10. and lastly, remember that this pandemic is a time for you to rest and be aware of what’s happening outside. multiple factors led us into this situation and we must make a change for these type of things to not happen again. as the youth, we must be socially aware because it’s our job to help our nation.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

last few prompts

April 28th: If you could give advice to someone who just found out that they are autistic, what advice would you give?

idk that i have any Advice really but more just a Perspective lol, which is along the lines of like, that it's inherently good and helpful to have this language and lens for understanding this aspect of yourself, where it hardly has to necessarily be like "oh if autistic people have this information they can learn how to essentially Be More Allistic" but it's like, maybe prior to realizing you're autistic the most apparent General Pattern re: the situation is these seemingly negative "well what's wrong with Me" ones where other people don't seem to vibe with / Get / like you, and you might be having these difficult experiences that other people don't understand and might react badly to the way you're trying to move through it, or you have these traits / behaviors / tendencies / whatever that again other people dislike or consider Inconvenient or unsympathetic but you can't exactly shake them, And Such, basically like, you'll have Been autistic the whole time but what's most noticeable might be ways other people react negatively to you and/or how you might be having these negative experiences but seemingly the best thing to do is try to make them invisible to other people b/c you Can't expect help/support but Can expect people to react to this as you just being Weird / Difficult / Unreasonable, where basically the Negative Experience of allistic people's reaction to / treatment of you has to be compounded into another Negative Experience when the only way you can really understand that situation is "i guess something's wrong with me and the only way this can improve is if i manage to Act Right / Be Normal or whatever," which of course you can't, even when people can mask hard / a lot. and The Point here kind of is that having this different understanding of what's going on, even if it's hardly guaranteed to somehow be the key to navigating the world in an Ideal Way without any of the negative experiences of allistic people being what's "normal" and what situations you have to deal with because of it, you don't then have to have that Compounding of those less than ideal experiences where you don't really have any option but blame yourself or any "solution" but to try to Be Normal, which doesn't work, but you know. just knowing like "oh okay, i'm autistic, and now here's all this information / discussion of that experience via other people who share it" which can lead to that whole shift in your relationship with yourself and your understanding of what's even going on in your experiences and relationship with Other People in general that doesn't have to be that dead end of like, the only way to understand what's going on is one where you beat yourself up further over whatever experience involved other people (or situations engineered for/around other people) beating you up. 

saw a quote from an autistic person the other day (about being both autistic and trans) along the lines of like, "if everyone hates me already, i may as well be happier with myself" re: having that better relationship with / understanding of yourself regardless of how it affects your relationship with Everyone Else really. and personally i'd sure like, be thinking at times like, i guess it's on me to figure out how to Be Likable / connect with others better or whatever, and you know, not like everyone doesn't always have to think about How they interact with others in whatever way, and that awareness / possible conscious efforts/changes in that regard are sure hardly bad, but when it's about stuff like trying to be allistic when you're not, cishet when you're not, and such, that's not going to actually lead to anything better. and realizing i'm autistic and how i've been able to learn about that (including plenty of "oh of course i already Knew About this sort of experience, but never heard it discussed at all / from this perspective" ways) sure has been a Positive Factor which yknow. hasn't led to me like oh nice finally i have all these friends and connect with / am understood by people / have The Normal Experience now or whatever, and yknow, trying to be "likable" and Connect Normally or whatever pretty much is just an unhappy experience, whereas it's always solidly positive to simply be like, oh epic, yeah i'm recognizing yet another aspect of my life that before was only just like, well i'm hearing about what's supposedly Normal for Everyone but that's not really how it is for me, and there's nothing more to work with than that, so it's seemingly just another point of alienation / isolation / something that's an obstacle to being treated normally or whatever. while also that, yknow, in Not trying to be Likable / Personable / Accepted / Etc Whatever the Normal Way, that also meant just like, yeah it sucks being isolated no matter what but sometimes that's how it is and you can at least have that improved relationship with yourself and a way of moving through the world / your life that doesn't put more of this unnecessary strain / effort / drain on you for no reward, and like, you don't have to talk yourself into whatever connection with anyone who seems willing to talk to you, or have it be this whole Performance where you can't be yourself anyways, or write off your own boundaries or whatever helps you be comfortable as simply unreasonable or counterproductive or whatever, so that's also good, namely, Less Bad.....the real distillation being that, regardless of whether understanding yourself better as an autistic person improves Interpersonal/Social Situations for you, it's automatically better to have this improved perspective on your own experiences and improved relationship with yourself

April 29th: How do you feel about shoes? Are they good sensory? Bad sensory? Are there certain types of shoes that you find more or less comfortable? Do you struggle with replacing shoes when they’re worn out?

it kind of depends, but i think generally i always find closed toed shoes to be kind of a hassle and less comfortable than like, sandals that are most just the soles strapped to your feet in whatever way, although i'll yknow, use closed toed shoes for whatever Practical Advantage they might afford, and usually like, if they're comfortable enough i might not be super bothered, but between the potential they feel too tight or whatever and like, socks not always being all that comfortable, it feels kind of similar to other potential Clothes Issues i have where a lot of the discomfort can just come from like, i don't like the awareness of whatever right against your skin, like, just more sensitive to that Pressure as well as Texture i guess, so while those elements can be like hell yeah an enjoyable stim experience, other times it's like, this shirt collar is too small / close to the neck, this Texture isn't soft enough, i gotta push up long sleeves to not be against the wrists / sliding down the forearms / getting in the way of bending my elbows, i don't want any shirt to be like, great news, this is gonna bunch up under your armpits / at the elbows, i prefer short sleeves to long, or sleeveless even, or shorts to longer pants, or sandals to sneakers........but beyond that i've never been too particular about shoes, like, have generally been kind of limited in options like. what shoes are here even in my size, and from there it's sort of like yeah i'm looking for comfort here but for me it hasn't had to be a huge deal, but that's also in part just b/c i never really replaced shoes too frequently and yeah it was like "well if it works i'll just wear these shoes until they don't fit / they're worn out" or whatever

April 30th: What would you like your overall message for autism acceptance month to be?

idk things that other people are saying already & better, but you know, that idk if you know you're autistic, genuine congratulations, and that knowledge doesn't have to be "ideally" treated like it's beside the point or best ignored or whatever, i.e. even if it's like "well i haven't really paid attention to that potential lens on my life / identity and i've been making it through so far," that's no reason to Not learn about whatever or connect with other people, even though it's like, the seeming message is always like "wow the more Not autistic people can be, the better" where it might apparently be extrapolated that, if you're autistic, the less relevant you regard it the better. which kind of leads into you know, the Acceptance part of things, accepting that autistic people always exist, it's nothing inherently bad, it's not a disease (where people need to be "cured" and they aren't autistic, they just Have autism and it can and should be separated from them, we can and should make people less autistic, there can and should be less autistic people, ideally none), it doesn't make anyone less human / reduce their humanity / worse as a person or anything like that, there's inherent value and joy in every individual's existence, and re: whatever seems to be a negative about being autistic it's like, actually examining and interrogating that, What does that negative effect stem from, how are people regarding and treating autistic people, what kind of support are autistic people getting or not getting. and you know, re: allistic people, just a great basic step to stop listening to allistic people talking about being autistic over what autistic people are saying, and like, even if you consider like "yeah okay i think autistic people should get to exist and possibly also that being autistic isn't inherently bad" like, also to think about how Supporting this perspective could actually play out in theory / in practice. 

just as a p.s. to everything like well naturally didn't keep pace with these prompts Day To Day lmao but i enjoyed it, as time goes on i learn And talk more about being autistic pretty steadily lol, including just during this month, feels relevant to that first prompt in this post lmao like This Particular Exercise just mostly talking to myself with the highfives from a couple ppl i've already interacted more with, and it's always helpful to have it broken down into more particular questions vs it just being like "well gosh where to even start" or, you know, that i wouldn't've posted any of this stuff Unprompted, which, god forbid lmao but like i said i've enjoyed it at least and it's helpful to even casually try to kinda shake things out and put it into words, even though i will do so v verbosely and not too coherently, we don't have all day or an editor where this stuff can be honed down for no particular reason.......anyways yeah glad to talk about things. shoutout to autistic pride day eventually on june 18th

[ralphsspiritualstuff]

Hi. I really like your post about how you compare astrology to the structure of sentences. I’m trying to do it for my own chart however I am having trouble coming up with words specifically for the signs. For example Gemini, would the adverb be like social ? Chatty? Intellectual? Idk. I was wondering if you could maybe make a post using word suggestions with all the signs, and houses, and aspects. I know that’s asking a lot though. But maybe just an idea! :D

This is a good idea. Here is a basic definition for each sign, as an adverb along with some synonyms. Please feel free to add your own thoughts to the list. 

*It’s proven a bit tricky, since most English words are pretty “wet” and tend to describe outcomes that can be derived in many ways, versus astrological words which are pretty “dry” and describe relatively straightforward factors that combine to make those outcomes.* 

Aries: Adverb

In a manner that focuses immense energy on a single point by largely ignoring other possibilities. 

Sharply, pointedly, instantly, focused, single-mindedly, ignorantly, convincedly, surely, presently.

Taurus: Adverb

In a manner that weighs one thing against one other thing, with value being placed on which of those two things has more of the desired property. 

Statically, solidly, discriminatingly, comparingly, exclusively, choosingly, satisfyingly. 

Gemini: Adverb

In a manner that tracks and lists the nameable qualities of a given subject. 

Curiously, repeatedly, factually, visibly, obviously, decidingly, recognizingly, labelingly, quickly, inquisitively, 

Cancer: Adverb

In a manner that acknowledges the circumstances a subject is in, in relation to a subject’s qualities. 

Concernedly, thoughtfully, compassionately, gently, forgivingly, pitifully, acceptingly, warmly, 

Leo: Adverb 

In a manner that is self-perpetuating. 

Organically, creatively, naturally, visionarily, directively, choosingly.

Virgo: Adverb

In a manner that facilitates and improves self-perpetuation. 

Punctually, decisively, habitually, consistently, reactively, correctively, systematically, urgently, worriedly

Libra: Adverb

In a manner that balances, evenly, multiple layers of factors with uneven values. 

Considerately, fairly, justly, equitably, beautifully, elegantly, 

Scorpio: Adverb

In a manner that acknowledges the cyclical, give-and-take nature of things. 

Equally, sharingly, respectfully, wholly, borrowingly, sadly, angrily, fairly

Sagittarius: Adverb

In a manner that draws connections between data points. 

Insightfully, cleverly, connectedly, framingly, generally,  knavishly, wildly, 

Capricorn: Adverb

In a manner that finds limits. 

Ambitiously, restrictively, structurally, constructively, dismissively, responsibly,  thoroughly

Aquarius: Adverb

In a manner that redefines limits. 

Rebelliously, selflessly, impractically, ideally, experimentally, variably, boldly, 

Pisces: Adverb

In a manner that acknowledges all the possibilities. 

Inwardly, empathetically, understandingly, lackadaisically, flippantly, sleepily, absently, agreeably, longingly, reflectively, responsively, vaguely

Hope that helps,

-Ralph

[thelightfluxtastic]

30DayTheri 19: Dysphoria

(CW: Involved discussion of dysphoria including gender dypshoria. Nonsexual, limited references to large chest and reproductive bits) I talked about euphoria yesterday, so now let’s flip the coin. I...don’t know if I experience species dysphoria. That’s not me trying to be cagey, I literally just don’t know if some of the feelings I have are dysphoria or not. I’m going to talk about gender dysphoria first, because that’s what I mentally compare it to when I’m trying to figure these feelings out. I have strong social dysphoria. Being called she/her or seen as a woman is incredibly distressing for me. I also have some physical dysphoria. I actively dislike my chest and take steps to flatten or reduce it, it causes me emotional discomfort and strain. I am...less sure about whether I experience bottom dysphoria. I don’t have the same active dislike and distress toward it, but I do have an attitude of “I want to think about it and interact with it as little as possible”. Not sure if that counts in the same way. Because while there is a euphoric “goal” of what I want my chest to look like, I don’t have that same drive toward changing my lower bits to something else. So what about species dysphoria? I get mildly annoyed that my phantom ears and ail aren’t real, because it limits my emotional expression, but I don’t feel distressed by it. It’s more a “if would be nice if...” rather than a “It feels wrong that I can’t...”. Given the opportunity I think I would like to experiment with a quadrupedal normal dog form, but only if I could change back/shift at will. I wouldn’t call myself transpecies. I would say I don’t have an intense longing to be a dog, but that’s what I’m not sure of. It isn’t something I notice in myself on a day-to-day basis. But there are times I’ve been caught off guard by a very intense desire to be physically nonhuman. The example that comes to mind is when I read the Wayward Children series by Seanan McGuire. Accidentally or not, it really captures the otherkin yearning of belonging to another world, another self. There’s a mermaid who describes herself (when in human form) as still a mermaid, just with her scales on the inside. It’s fantastic. The books really captured the feeling of hiraeth that I associate with being otherkin. I adored them. And they were intensely painful. In An Absent Dream especially. In this book, there is a Goblin market where one can trade for anything- physical items and favors/chores, but also bodily changes and metaphorical concepts. It caused me a distressingly painful amount of yearning. The idea that, in the goblin market, I could make my phantom shifts real, or experiment with a more canine body, was pretty intense. Even the punishment- people who don’t pay a fair price slowly become birds- seemed desirable. I’d be willing to be anything, even a bird, if not purely a human. Is that dysphoria? It kinda sounds like it, written out like that. Though there were other factors in play. The world of In An Absent Dream is fundamentally, magically, a fair one- something I struggle with in real life. In the real world, I do physical therapy regularly, and the result is at best not getting worse, rather than improvement, and there’s a constant feeling of “I’m doing all this work and not getting anything out of it”. The idea that, in the goblin market, the work I put in would have tangible results, that I could fix the chronic pain and spasticity of my body just by putting effort in (like chores)- that was undeniably part of the yearning when I read this book. So I can’t say kin identity was the only culprit behind these feelings. But there have definitely been times when hiraeth and longing to be un-human has reared up in acute and emotionally affecting ways. Do I actively dislike any part of being human? Nah. Do I get hit with waves of incredibly intense longing to be Other or change? Yeah. Is that species dysphoria? Idk.

[sponfawn]

Color-in-laws part 5

Boomer and Buttercup

Initially, Boomer and Buttercup's relationship was a one-sided one of envy and hatred, due to Boomer joining No Neck Joe. She felt he stole her place, her band - a large, important part of her life. On the other side, he was more or less entirely unconcerned with her.

As the story moves from the first few chapters, they develop an improved, yet still tenuous relationship. Buttercup kind of moves on with Butch, from her grief over her relationship and the loss of the band, significantly smoothing over her resentment. But after Bubbles' break-up with Will, Boomer cranks up the cheese factor and her second-hand embarassment and irritation start to climb again, and even moreso once they start dating. When he sang "Hot" to Bubbles, when she tried to feed him at lunch, basically any time they share moments of PDA in the group, it's like a mild form of torture. His fondness for Avril doesn't help either.

By the time the later chapters come around, Buttercup and he are pretty similar to actual siblings in their dynamics. Typically Buttercup fills the role as an older sibling. Boomer primarily has a neutral-positive attitude towards her, punctuated by bouts of fear for his physical safety. Buttercup is usually pretty tolerant and neutral about him, but occasionally wants to lightly eviscerate him. The conflict usually arises when he does something that annoys her (usually via sappy gestures/rambles), and either continues or commits an infraction so bad that she goes straight to whoopass mode.

One example includes when he starts to talk about what he and Bubbles do on dates, and thinking it would be TMI, Buttercup warns him to stop. He plows right on through, though, and she throws a set of kitchen knives at him in retaliation. Another, was the morning after the Boys all had their Dreams™️. After Boomer woke up from his dream in the middle of the night, he calls Bubbles, waking all the Girls and invoking Buttercup's wrath. The next morning, at first greeting, she sees him and he immediately knows to run. Somehow remniscent of that scene in Lilo and Stitch after the social worker leaves. Nani turns to glare at Lilo, there's a half-second pause, and Lilo shrieks and bolts out the room cuz she knows.

But they also have the occasional moment of casual kindness (not exactly the word, but it'll do). They're usually quite brief and mundane, but I think they speak to a sort of quiet, subtle fondness. Like in "Hey There Mr Blue", Buttercup and Butch had snow cones and Butch refused to let Boomer even ask to try his, after Buttercup shared hers with Bubbles. A second later, Buttercup spots the coil and casually tosses the rest of her snow cone to Boomer. It wasn't a big deal or a show of deep intimacy or anything, but it was a nice gesture that to me, seemed like a sort of big sister thing to do. She shared with Boomer just as she shared with Bubbles, when normally she's pretty stingy with her share of food.

One thing can be said about his understanding of how Buttercup's mind works tho. At the open mic, where they dragged Buttercup on stage, he knew exactly what to do and how to play to make her put effort into the performance. Perhaps from seeing Butch's over-competitive spirit all these years, or just an intuitive knowing which buttons to push, he plays her like... well, literally any instrument he's ever encountered. They're def not the closest but considering it's Boomer Bubbles-is-my-entire-life JoJo, they're pretty close. Other than his brothers and Bubbles, I think she's the closest person to him in terms of how familiar they act with each other. Hes pretty open with most of the people he hangs out with, but doesn't have the same kind of relationship with them. Aside from the fact that he's superhuman, I doubt any of his other friends have both wanted to share their snack with him and actually beat the shit out of him. Idk about anyone else, but I gotta feel pretty comfortable with someone to do that. I also gotta feel pretty comfortable to both enjoy someone's company and fear their retribution to my antics.

[sanguinesprout]

A glimmer of sunshine on a chilly spring day, possibility of a rainstorm later (Updates and blah)

A month flew by again, I can’t remember much of what happened other than that it started with another huge argument between me and my sis again. I had a long cry, reflected on things and let all the negativity seep out and diffuse like other times, something I needed to refocus myself. This time for sure I know I was in the wrong and it was all over something small and petty. I don’t know why I was being so irrational and it just made me hate myself and my messed up mental state all the more. 

The good thing from this though is I’m a lot more aware of another of my irrational sorts of thoughts/behaviours. It’s a fear much like everything else holding me back. Well, I see you now and every time you pop up, I’m going to try my best to shove you far far aside and prove you wrong!

One thing that happened during the argument was that my dad came to see what happened and even though I tried hard to hide it, like I always do, he saw me crying... This was such a big deal in my mind, like I can’t ever show this part of me, it makes me feel like I’m weak. Like it’s so taboo because my parents never show this side of them and because I’m an adult now too it just feels...idk maybe something disappointing to them..? 

The other thing is it’s awkward because they don’t know how to react. I just pushed him away. I shouldn’t feel this way though, it just perpetuates it, it’s okay to cry and be seen crying, to seek comfort and be human! I wish it wasn’t so hard, but because it’s the way it’s always been, it’s even more difficult to change. Emotional support is just something that wasn’t there, but I want it to be for all of us. Anyways, like all arguments go, we made up later on but I was the one to apologise first, because it was mostly my fault after all.

Something else came up that has been really difficult and saddening lately. My mum is ill. Not the passing common type of illness but something much more serious and I’m so worried and sad for her. Me and my family tried my best to look after her when she was too sick to do anything and thankfully she is doing better now with some medications but there’s the matter of having to do many more tests and the long waits for results to find out what is really happening.

I’m really hoping everything is going to be alright, that it is mild if there really is something wrong and that it can be fixed and she can be healthy again. She was trying to be strong and actually never told me the full story because she probably didn’t want me to worry more and because it’s difficult, but she told my sister and my sister told me. 

Just like before, I wish we could be there for each other properly. I’ll try my best to comfort her and reassure her as I have been doing, I won’t tell her I know what my sister told me, though it’ll probably be out later on. I don’t want her to be sad or ill, I need to take care of them better, take on more responsibilities. It’s crucial that I get a job asap and/or that I learn the skills needed to take over in the worst case. I just really hope it won’t get to that.

In other less glum events, I went to the interview for the retail job I mentioned in the last post. I actually tried extremely hard this time. I interacted as much as possible, talked and answered as much as I could. I was actually really proud of myself for really going all out, just tossing my fear aside even though my heart was bursting out of my chest in anxiousness. I tried to be like the people that shone in previous interviews. I’m glad I tried and I’ve grown and learned some more.

The only bad thing was once the group portion of the interview was over, I screwed up my individual interview bad. I blanked and struggled again. Out of the few interviewers I had the strictest and they shot me down on some of my answers, but still I tried. This time I was feeling a little more hopeful, like I actually had more of a chance this time, though the outcome was a rejection a few days later, oh well, I did the best I could at the time.

Upon returning home I went over everything in my head, I saw all the flaws or potential flaws and it felt bad but I won’t linger too long on it. Now that I know what I did wrong and what I did better this time, I can carry this over to my next attempt, keep trying till I get it. Of course there are many more factors than just what is done and said at the interview to choosing the successful candidates, so I can't beat myself about it too much, who knows what reasons others were chosen or why I wasn’t chosen, it could’ve been anything. I’m not that sad about it, it’s just another step on the journey.

Something else that happened since then is that I’ve gotten another interview elsewhere! Another retail job that I think fits me pretty well and I think I might like. It is super super soon and I’m nervous but a little less this time because it is said to not be formal or nerve-wracking like a normal interview, more of a group exercise thing. My sis actually went for the same thing and has informed me that it was exactly as such. I just hope that in the small chance I have to really make an impression, that I do well and that I will be successful. Of course if that doesn’t happen, at least I tried and I’ll keep trying again. Always learning and being able to do better.

I was feeling a bit more confident about my social skills, like I’m not completely inept, just kinda awkward at times, but very friendly and compassionate that’s much more important really. I really want to improve on this and show myself and others that I can communicate well and make friends just like I’ve been able to in the past. I can make it outta this hole, I just need to try more and not let my internal cringing and criticism take hold. What I think of myself is not always what others think. What I notice is not what others notice.

In other ‘leisure/educational/creative’ events, I tried a little more sewing and it’s hard and I was scared to do things wrong and welp, things went wrong, but that’s part of the learning process. I know to research and prepare better next time. I also did a little art and used materials I’ve been avoiding using because of unfamiliarity (and fear of failure/wastage again) and it actually went okay! It wasn’t perfect but I can tell I improved a little since last time. That’s something nice to know! It was actually a piece for my mum and she liked it, I’m happy, I was hoping it could maybe cheer her up a bit ^^

A little more motivation, a little more showing myself it’s okay to make mistakes and to be less afraid of just trying. More action, less overthinking! This is the way to go! If only my motivation and energy wells weren’t always running so low by default... even in this state, things must go on, I need to push onwards!

C’mon I can do this, do all the things important to life AND important to me! Nothing changes if I don’t actually do anything. Nothing ventured nothing gained!

Okay, I’m feeling a lot more motivated now. I should do something productive while I still feel alright! Go go go!

Have a fresh and productive spring start! :D

[too-cute-foryou]

I'm glad you like the WHO decision! I'm glad you like that actual dysphoric trans people will not longer be able to have their surgeries covered by insurance and have to pay out of fucking pocket to feel correct in their fucking bodies! I'm glad you like that suicide rates of actual trans people are going to go through the roof! I'm glad you like that transness is not a mental illness anymore, but seen as a sex disorder such as pedophilia! I'm glad you're fucking transphobic!!! I'm glad!!!!!!!!!

First of all, there was no need to phrase this so angrily, but I’m not going to hold it against you. Clearly the WHO decision elicited a very emotional response from you. And, clearly, you’re taking it out on me via my inbox. I get it. You’re probably stressed, you’re definitely jumping to conclusions, and you’re incapable of talking to the World Health Organization. What they decided made you mad or scared, but you don’t have any way to tell them that, so you’re telling me. Or, yelling at me and accusing me, more like. That’s fine. I really don’t blame you.

Emotional responses are hard to control, and sending messages like these can be some sort of release. I’m not upset and I don’t feel attacked. If anything, I’m glad you took it out on me specifically, because I know there are a lot of people who would be hurt by somebody coming into their inbox and screaming at them for being happy about something.

But, enough about that and enough about feelings, let’s talk about what your message is really about: The WHO decision. 

From what you’ve said to me, I can assume that following things. You’re afraid it’ll affect your insurance coverage, you’re worried about suicide rates increasing, you’re concerned about being lumped into the same pile as pedophiles, and that I’m “transphobic”. So, I’ll acknowledge all of those things.

I honestly hope it helps you out, and I hope it calms your nerves and makes you feel less mad/afraid. I’m not trying to be condescending when I say that, and I’m sorry if it sounds like I am. Tone of voice is impossible to convey over text. It’s going to sound like I’m preaching from a soap box and looking down on you. But I swear I’m not. The rest of this is going to go under the cut, because I this is gonna be long.

So, number one, let’s talk about insurance companies and their coverage from now on. 

I’m gonna be honest, I don’t know much about insurance. I’m 16 and I’ve never had to pay for it/worry about it. All I know is what we’ve talked about in my personal finance class and also one time my parent’s insurance stopped covering my therapy for a few months. That’s kind of the extent of my understanding. I’m gonna have to talk through the words of others.

The WHO’s decision probably won’t affect american insurance companies much, because the DSM is what stands in the states. I don’t know if you live in the states or not, but I hope that’s at least assuring? The WHO affects Europe. And, even then, Julia Ehrt (executive director of Transgender Europe) has said that she’s “elated to see that the WHO understands gender identity isn’t a mental health issue”

The WHO moved being transgender to the “sexual health” chapter. They didn’t remove it from the books entirely. Tt’s still there. It wasn’t ripped out of the records, and it wasn’t classified as cosmetic. It was simply moved to a category that fit it better. 

My attention span isn’t too good right now, but after a bit of research, I found out that at some point the DSM did something similar(?). In the DSM-IV-TR it was “placed in the category of Sexual Disorders, with the subcategory of Gender Identity Disorders“  I’m not sure if it’s still there, since the DSM website doesn’t want to load for me, but it’s important to note that this is a change that is similar to the WHO decision. (I think, at least. Like I said I should probably do more research, but focusing is hard right now)

When The WHO decision was made, it wasn’t to fuck with insurance, and those concerns were explicitly addressed. “The change is expected to improve social acceptance among transgender people, while still making important health resources available”. 

And, on top of that, Dr. Lale Say (coordinator of WHO’s Adolescents and at-Risk Populations team) says that it was “taken out from the mental health disorders because… leaving it there was causing stigma… to reduce the stigma while also ensuring access to necessary health interventions it was placed in a different chapter.” 

I don’t know how insurance works, but I honestly don’t think it’ll affect insurance. And, even if it does, there’s no need to yell at me like I have a say in what is and isn’t covered. I’m just a stupid fucking sixteen year old on tumblr, my opinion makes no difference in what companies want to cover.

Now that we’ve covered that, let’s explore the next concern: transgender suicide rates and how the WHO decision will affect them. I’m going to have to be honest again because like… this is a hard topic to research? I can’t find very many sources or concrete statistics overtime. It’s hard to see if suicide rates have gone up or down, because I can’t find charts anywhere? (If you fine any, tell me) But, I don’t think the WHO decision will have much of an affect on suicide rates? Trans suicide rates are very high, but there’s so many factors that play into those rates, that it’s hard to say. I don’t know. There are plenty of resources out there, though, so I hope nobody kills themselves over this.

So, since I can’t say much about that, let’s move onto your next thing. The fact that being trans is now in the same category as pedophilia. 

Before I even talk about that specifically, I wanna mention this: Margarine is one molecule away from plastic, humans are a few DNA links away from chimpanzees. Being close to something and being in the same category as something, doesn’t mean they’re the same or even similar. 

But, that aside, let’s talk about it. The WHO now considers being transgender to be a “sexual health” thing. That’s a very broad category. Yes, that category has paraphilias in it (such as pedophilia) but it’s not just “oh there’s two sexual heath things, and those things are being trans and being a pedophile!”

The sexual health page on the WHO’s website mentions things like the need for knowledge about the body, education about healthy relationships, gender equality, the need for freedom from discrimination based on sexual orientation, access to reproductive health care, and many many more things.

They’re not saying trans people are the same thing as pedophiles. They’re putting being trans in a category that fits it more. It’s not a mental disorder, it’s identifying as something that isn’t your birth sex. 

Say what you want about this, and think what you want about the category, but don’t go running around screaming that “THE WHO THINKS TRANS PEOPLE ARE PEDOPHILES!11!!1″ because that is not what’s happening at all.

And, to talk about your last point, I’m not transphobic. I’m literally trans.

The WHO decisions probably won’t have the implications you think it will, and it’s more than likely a good thing. You don’t need to run around scared and screaming like a chicken with it’s head cut off. And, you don’t need to yell at me or accuse me of being a terrible transphobic asshole because I apparently “like the idea of these terrible consequences that won’t even happen.”

This is probably my longest post ever, so sorry for that. I hope this was coherent. I’m tired. Idk. You’re getting panicked over something that shouldn’t be causing panic, and you’re yelling at me for a decision I didn’t even make.

[notseriousjustshootingthebreeze]

if i did a ted talk y would they ask me to idk they never would and honestly heres why

Guys hahahaha let’s start this off with an honest moment I’m really scared to be up here like I’m really shaking in fact I wrote this down to say because I knew I would be but to help me can someone please like heckle me right now.

Does anybody here think they’re cool?

Does anybody here think they’re cool for not saying they thought they were cool just then?

Does anybody think they’re cool for completely zoning out and not hearing what I just said?

Does anybody think they’re cool for zoning out but not thinking they’re cool for doing it but actually feeling bad?

Does anybody think they’re cool here because they think they’re not cool?

Hope I covered everybody. Whew. that was exhaustive.

In High School I thought it was cool to wear whatever everybody else wasn’t really wearing, but not to look like I was trying to do that. Because I didn’t think trying was cool.

But then you “graduate” high school, (long story ask me about it later *asterisk winky face*) so it’s not cool to look like you’re in high school anymore, so I dressed like that, but it wasn’t cool to act and care a bunch like an adult, but it was cool to know and do all the adult things, like drugs and sex and paycheques being beautiful all the while whilst melancholy and pretending like you didn't really care about anything.

But not in a way that was obvious but more so like, I care so little that I cannot even care enough to consider how much I care about things so if you were to accuse me of caring about not caring I would simply be unaware of what you were talking about. Boom! I have ascended…. to COOL. the funniest thing is though I’m pretty sure people around me were just like. What is her deal man. Like is she … okay?

At one point in my life, saving all my money to buy one ridiculously priced designer item was cool, but then it wasn’t because I mean cmon man climate change!

So then it was cool to only thrift, but no where anybody else I knew thrifted of course!

but on apps like Depop where people from the UK were selling me old designer clothes they looked for for weeks and overpriced the crap out of.

but then ugh!! here I am again *hold back of hand to forehead dramatically* trying.

I got it! should just MAKE all my own clothes. So now in my never ending quest to be cool I must master the art of tailoring.

I’m pretty extreme in this and the thought processes I just described may be known to some of you as what the docs are calling “social anxiety” or simply… “mental illness”

BUT what you may not know is that… you all have experienced what I have just described in some way shape or form.

The raw aching truth at the bottom of all of this fancy misdirection I was dead set on performing for the rest of my life was that I really, really, REALLY, did not like myself. *a small hush falls over the crowd*

It’s so crazy guys because I would have literally spent the rest of my entire life trying to be cool because I felt so uncool inside.

BUT! sometimes people would say cool things about me like, “Talia, you’re crazy!” or “Talia, you’re so much fun!” or even “Talia, you’re so talented, funny, beautiful, smart.”

I could never equate this to the Talia I saw and felt inside so constantly to be the real Talia.

A Talia I felt no one would be saying those things about, if they really saw.

Guys, I wanna get to know you, so let’s get one thing out of the way real quick here I do have quite a lengthy rap sheet of diagnosed mental illnesses and disorders.

Are these things a part of who I am? No. 100% not. I honestly see them simply as the clinical, worldly, and temporary explanations for the pains and aches and dings and factors of living in the world we do.

and honestly if I had enough time and formal education and attention from each and every one of you I could probably give you all a few diagnoses as well.

But the reason I mention this is because, these mental illnesses very much so perpetuated how I saw the “inner” Talia.

The “inner” Talia in consideration to these, was sick, insane, confused, empty, angry, in need of apparently hundreds of thousands of dollars of therapy, and a list of prescriptions to keep me afloat for the rest of my life.

I am afraid of all of you, as I said at the beginning, I am quite scared. As scared as I would have been a few years ago? no definitely not. But nonetheless I am afraid, of what you’re thinking of me, what you could be thinking of me, how you could be seeing me as I stand before you right here and now. For the most part because I know the worst things we think about people are never the things we say to their face.

Are my perceptions of how you COULD be perceiving me based on my perceptions of you… correct? accurate? Who can know. Alas as much as my feverish imagination could paint a convincingly self informed picture of this moment, I cannot trust it to be true.

This is pretty stupid right? I mean like, in the GRAND SCHEME of things. To be so concerned with this looking glass that isn't even accuracy ensured. I mean! I’m TWENTY TWO years old! Shouldn’t I have a “serious” job or kids or an original Netflix show right now or something? It can’t be that hard. Have you seen most Netflix originals lately?

Ahhhh *large sigh.* I wish I could cast this obsession into a deep sea of forgetfulness.

But! Perhaps! If only….

I might MAKE, nay, SHAPE myself into the person I want you all to perceive me as. I mean theres no way to ensure I would actually fully truthfully be said person, but all I need is a little smoke and mirrors.

You see, I often flip between these two polar opposite Talia’s, the inner, “real” Talia, and the Talia I consciously project to others.

TALIA, *italic, all caps* is gonna live up to all those cool things people said about her. In fact, she’ll SURPASS them.

because it’s not enough to be worthy of a little compliment here and there.

I have to be UNDENIABLY, UNFLINCHINGLY awesome, cool, an “IT GIRL” if you may.

Let’s have a little flashback, to middle school specifically. Ooohhhh did you like the emotion those two words drew out of you?

I did not.

*old person voice* When I,,, was young, I attended a girls school. But this was not satisfying to little Talia (Imagine me but, a lot shorter, like 5”8 or 5”9)

So, I begged mom and pops dearly, shall I not transfer to the public school our neighbours goeth to? Shall I be deprived of such pleasures of going to a boys AND girls school?

They said, so be it! And off I went! and I got bullied! Really bad! Because apparently bringing your ukulele to school to make improv songs about what type of funny monkey every person in your homeroom would be was not cool! But no one told me this!

All of the sudden… people were saying things about me, but like. I couldn’t really understand exactly it was they were saying.

But I knew they were because, in my 12 year old experience, you didn’t look directly at someone and whisper something to the person next to you unless you were saying something about them.

But fortunately! these mysteries did not elude me for long, as people graciously just started saying such things to my face.

I had little detective work to do to find out that in fact, most everyone was starting the say the same things about me.

and if their words did not cement the reality of what they were thinking and saying about me, they were faithful to go the long mile in DOING things to me to make this known.

So as I moved on from these experiences, in my forever coming of age (I’m still 12 on the inside don't get it confused) I had made two fundamental discoveries on my path to being cool

INSERT TWO FUNDAMENTAL DISCOVERIES

INSERT PART ABOUT ME FINDING THE SECRET TO SELF CONFIDENCE