#if reading the list of side effects caused an hour long anxiety attack then taking the actual med would be stupid as shit

[ajokeformur-ray]

I actually think SSRIs may not be the best treatment route for me in general, tbh, because I'm not willing to risk weight loss or weight gain and some of the other temporary/potential side effects made me have an hour long anxiety attack just from thinking about experiencing them because they're triggers for my anxiety PLUS my brother did experience those particular trigger things (for me; he didn't care) when he went on the medication I was just prescribed, so there's a likely biological trigger involved in there too, plus my problems already with food and my body image and the high probability I'll lose or gain weight alongside the fact that bodily changes trigger my anxiety too plus I'll have heightened anxiety for the first few weeks when I'm already more anxious than I have ever been in my life ever... yeah. Maybe SSRIs aren't it.

Okay, back to the doctor's next Monday...

[rommahh]

Better

Word Count: 3.9K

Pairing: Buckybarnesxfem!reader

{This is for @metalbuckaroo's challenge. I had this brewing for a minute but college has got in a chokehold. I chose prompt #30 from the given prompt list. I hope y'all like this read. Love, R}

Bucky trailed behind Y/N as she ignored his calls. Her boots clicked loudly in the small hallway as she rushed towards their shared apartment. Her keys shook in her hand, body tense with anxiety and anger.

Bucky reached her at the door, his hands loosely gripping her arms. Y/N shoved the door open, her body snapping away from his. Y/N haphazardly throws her keys in the small bowl that sat on the hallway side table.

Her chest heaved with deep breaths as she tried to remain calm.

“Y/N please, what is going on? Why are you so mad?” Bucky questioned, slamming the door behind him as his own frustrations started to catch up with him.

“I'm going to bed.” Is all she said to him without even meeting his eyes. She was quick to enter her room and lock the door before he could say anymore. Bucky stood behind her door in confusion. His body still tingled with the lasting effects of the shots he took hours prior.

Sitting on your bed, Y/N finally released. Her shoulders dropped, her body hunching over itself as the tears started flowing.

Y/N had been looking for Bucky for what felt like hours. He was her ride back to the apartment and having been at this party for over four hours- she was exhausted. There was a twinge of disappointment that lingered in her caused by Bucky's disappearance. He invited her to this party tonight but quickly left her to her own devices the moment the both of them walked through the frat’s doors.

The house was mainly empty except for the few lingering bodies that were drunkenly wandering around. She climbed up the stairs that lead to a common room on the second floor. Y/N’s cute white go-go boots were tight on your feet, making her wince at every step. Fashion was a moment type thing, not a four hour long excursion.

Y/N heard a group of voices leading from the common room once you reached the top of the stairs. She listened out waiting to see if she could hear Bucky’s voice before walking through the doors of the common room.

“I don't know why you hang out with that girl Bucky.” Her ears perked at his name. Y/N almost walked through the door but she took a step back to listen to what they were saying.

“Yeah, shes fucking weird.” The group laughed. “I mean look at how she dressed tonight. She’s wearing a costume.”

Y/N looked down at her 80’s inspired dress with a frown. She thought she looked cute tonight, Bucky said she looked cute. She couldn't stop blushing after she heard his words.

“She’s a freak barnes. All she does is follow you around. Are you sure you guys aren't dating?” One of the boys asked with a chuckle. No one said her name yet but she knew they were talking about her. She could tell.

“Y/N’s not that bad. She just doesn't have any friends. I don't like her like that, not my type. She's got that weird anxiety thing.” Bucky's voice finally sounded out from the group. Y/N heart hurt hearing his words. Weird anxiety thing?

“Yeah, making her a freak. So you're just friends with her out of pity? Are you at least getting community service hours?” The group laughed again, Bucky's deep laugh standing out to Y/N.

“You have a lot of strength for a man who's not getting any ass from the girl he's keeping company with. Shes weird as fuck but her body is still bangin. Have you ever copped a feel of her tits? I would hang out with the loser if I got to fuck her too.” Someone commented. Y/N felt bile rise in her throat. She could feel a panic attack approaching having heard the sexual comments about her body. She stepped out from around the wall into the common room. All eyes snapped up to her, some eyes widening in shock. Bucky just looked up, not catching on that his roommate may have heard the horrid words said about her.

“I-im ready to go home, Bucky.” She hadn't looked up from where her feet were rooted on the stained wood floors. Bucky slowly wobbled up from his seat. The rest of the guys watching quietly, some snickering at Bucky's submissiveness.

“Here sweets, you're gonna have to drive.” Bucky says handing his keys over to Y/N. Without looking at him, she snatches the keys from his hands and quickly retreats to his car. Bucky stumbles behind her confused by her attitude.

Y/N walked to Bucky’s car, arms covering whatever they could cover on her body. Her mind telling her she was unsafe, her anxiety telling her even worse things.

Bucky eyes burned from the headache he had. He felt physically ill as he woke up from the living room couch. Last night's activities blur in his mind, no clear memories presenting themselves. He sits up to rest his forearms on his knees trying to calm his bubbling stomach.

The first thing he notices as he comes to his senses is the lack of Y/N’s noise. Normally the small apartment would be filled with the sounds of her sunday playlist as she cleans about. He also doesn't smell her extra dark and strong coffee that she only makes for sundays. He doesnt smell her out of the can cinnamon rolls either that she would normally wake him up with on a small tray with said coffee.

He finds it odd that her presence is lacking in the apartment. Standing, he makes his way over to her room knocking on it slightly. He hears shuffling from the other side but no one comes to open the door.

“Hey sweets, everything ok?” He knocks again to gain her attention.

“I-Im fine Bucky, please go away.” She stutters out to Bucky. Bucky is shocked by her statement not used to being pushed away by her.

“Oh ok, just let me know if you need anything.” He says quietly.

Y/N remained the same way over the next few days. She rarely came out of her room when she was in the apartment leaving Bucky on his own. She stopped making him meals out of kindness or filling up his canisters of water for workouts. She stopped baking him treats as midday pick me ups. She didnt wait for him to get out of classes so they could gossip about what was going on on campus. She didnt bother him at all.

Bucky felt uneasy about Y/N’s silence. He was hurt by her sudden disappearance. Hurt that she could just ghost him without any reason. But there was a reason, Bucky just didnt remember.

Y/N sluggishly walked into the apartment after taking an extensive exam in one of her classes. She tried to walk quietly throughout the apartment to not catch the attention of Bucky. She walks softly on her feet close to the opening of the kitchen.

“Hey.” A quiet voice makes Y/N jump in her spot. Her mission of going unnoticed failed. Bucky leans against the kitchen counter that is parallel to the opening of the kitchen. His feet are crossed in front of him, hands holding a cup of tea.

“Hi.” Her tone matches his. She turns her body to face his, hands fidgeting with each other. She slightly moved from foot to foot, a trait that had been acquired out of nerves. Bucky recognized her tic, his heart constricting at the thought that he might have done something to cause it.

“Y/N, please, what's going on?” Bucky can see that she's not wearing one of her normal outfits that are adorned in bright colors and fun patterns. Instead, her body is covered in a boring sweater that hides most of her body. She wears a large pair of jeans underneath, a belt tightly bounding it to her body.

“Nothing Bucky.” She dismisses. Bucky feels his anger peak. A range of emotion he tried to hide away breaching over its point. He missed his best friend beyond belief and all she could give was a few words.

“It's not nothing Y/N!” He snaps slamming his mug of tea on the counter. Y/N flinches at the sound. Her hands start to shake, not out of fear of Bucky but from unwarranted anxiousness. “I've given you your space but its killing me. I miss you Y/N. I dont get what happened?”

Y/N feels her eyes well up with tears.

“You hurt me Bucky.” It was Bucky’s turn to flinch hearing her words. He hurt her?

“I don't know what I did though.” His voice sounded childlike as he whined.

“At the party, you let your friends talk poorly about me. You-you let them call me a freak and-and weird. They made fun of my clothes and said you were hanging out with me out of pity and you just sat there and laughed James!” Her voice rose with every word. Bits and pieces of that night float around in his head. He can slightly remember the conversation but nothing is clearly showing in his head.

“I'm sorry they said that Y/N but you know that's not true. We both know our relationship, I don't know why you're letting them get to you.”

“They talked about my anxiety. You talked about my anxiety!”

“That's it? That's why you're not talking to me?” He exclaimed throwing his hands in the air.

“You let them sexualize me!” The kitchen filled with an uncomfortable silence. Bucky’s exterior softened.

“What?” His tone was drastically softer than it was earlier.

“You just sat and listened to them as they talked about my body. They talked about my boobs and if youve had sex with me and you said nothing. They said that they would hang with the loser if they could fuck me...How could you let them say that about me?” Y/N whimpered. Her hands cradled her face as she sobbed. Bucky saw the way her chest heaved with each sob, tears forming in his own eyes.

“I didn't know. I wouldn't have let them say those things sober. You have to know that.” He almost fell to his knees pleading for her forgiveness.

“You even said you wouldn't date me. I know its stupid but I thought you liked me back. You told me you loved me. You've taken me out on dates. You've kissed me for goodness sake!”

“I know and I'm sorry. I do like you, I don't know why I said that. I like you so much.” His knees buckled slightly but he held his ground.

“Obviously you dont Bucky. We should just stay away from each other from now on and I won't be renewing my leasing contract at the end of the semester.” She finalizes. Buckys whispers a small no in protest. “You really hurt me, Bucky. I would never let anyone slander you. I respect you too much to allow for someone else to disrespect you.”

With that being said, she gave Bucky one last look over before walking away. Bucky was knocked out of his thoughts at the sound of her door slamming shut and the lock being secured.

Bucky sat on the kitchen floor, the cold tile seeping through his pants to chill his legs. His face adorned with a frown, tears sliding down his warm cheeks. Y/N was his best friend and he ruined it by being a shitty person. He knows he should have defended her, defended their relationship.

Bucky’s rolly chair was his only source of entertainment at his desk in the lobby of the admissions office. Today was a slow day. There were only a few students who came in asking for help finding buildings or looking for the financial aid office. Some high school student came in for tours but his coworkers beat him to doing tours so here he was stuck in the quiet office. He had already stolen a large amount of guest snacks, a cold bottle of tea and a sugar cookie with the school's logo on it.

His chair spinning activities came to a halt when he heard the front door open with a small jingle sounding from it. He took a moment to let the dizziness fade away before he looked up. Bucky felt his breath stop in his throat.

There stood a girl with overalls and a bright colored top. She wore dark green converse, high tops, with frilly socks that peeked from the top. She had large glasses that framed her face perfectly. She was looking around the office, eyes wide with wonder. Her eyes finally met Bucky's, making a large smile appear on her face.

“Hi!” She exclaimed walking up to Bucky’s desk.

“Hey, what can I help you with today?” Bucky asked cooly.

“I just transferred here and I was wondering if you knew where I could apply for on campus jobs?” She placed her hands on top of the counter of Bucky’s desk. He admired her baby blue acrylics that had white flowers on them.

“Oh um, the admissions office is hiring. We do all of the tours for highschool students, or package and mail acceptance letters. Sometimes we plan scholarship events. It's an easy pay type of job. I just sit here and do homework my whole shift.” Bucky answers. “What's your name so I can get my boss to contact you?”

“Y/N Y/L/N.” Bucky quickly scribbled your name on a post it note and stuck it to his laptop as a reminder. “Do you really like this job or are you just trying to pull me in?” She jests with a small smile on her face.

“I mean it's a decent job but im sure with you working here it would make it ten times prettier.” Bucky smirked at the giggle that escaped Y/N. He wasn't normally a flirt but he couldn't help himself with this one.

“Oh really? How many times have you said that line to a girl?” Bucky put a hand to his chest in a fake offense.

“You think too low of me Y/N. I saved that one for the prettiest girl to walk through the door.”

“Hmm, ok. I'll believe it only because my ego needs this boost. Hey, you never told me your name. How am I supposed to write about this encounter in my journal if I don't have your name?”

“My name is James but I prefer if people just call me Bucky. Short for Buchanon, I know it's weird.” Bucky leans back in his chair, arms crossed. He can see her eyes checking out the way his muscles flex underneath his long sleeve shirt. He may have purposefully flexed a little extra for show.

“No, I love it. I dont think ive ever met a Bucky.” She counters. She leans forward, placing her elbows on the counter, her chest pressed against the front of the counter.

“Well I'm glad I'm your first Bucky.” He jokes with a small smile on his face. There was a small moment of silence shared between the two as they just looked at each other. Bucky couldn't help but think about how cute she was as Y/N thought the same thing.

“Oh gosh, I'm probably holding you up from your work.” She snaps out of her little spell rolling her eyes at herself. “I should get going.”

Bucky frowned at the idea of her leave, wanting nothing more than to continue talking to the new girl.

“Right, of course. Maybe I could get your number...so I can notify you about the job.” Bucky proposes. Y/N raises one eyebrow in question, a knowing smile placed on her lips.

“Sure thing bucky.” He hands her a pen and post it for her number. “I wouldn't be opposed to you using this number for things other than work too.” She suggested. She signed her name on the post it note ending it with a small heart.

“I will definitely take you up on that offer. No take backs though when I start sending you random shit.” She giggled, leaning up from her spot. Bucky basked at the sweet sound. He stood up to meet her on the other side of the desk.

“Well Bucky, it was lovely to meet you.” She stuck her hand out for him to shake, he reciprocated the action. Her hands were soft and warm, he thought. She gave him one last smile before walking away.

It was warm outside on the quad as Bucky sat by himself. He sat at the table that would normally be occupied by Y/N and him. Y/N would bring lunch- made by her. Anytime Bucky would try to help her by making lunch she would kick him out of the kitchen. Today, Bucky sat by himself, with no hand made lunch. He had a greasy bag of french fries and a large coke. He planned on eating his sorrows away.

“Hey Bucky!” A voice yelled out to him. Looking up from his fries, Bucky looked towards the sound that broke him out of his fries excursion. Tanner and Logan, his friends from the party, came walking over to him. They both sat down, throwing their lunch onto the table.

“Where's Ms. weirdo?” Tanner asks, mouth full of food. Bucky grimaced at Tanner's manners. He also felt the anger he should have felt on Saturday bloom in his chest.

“She's not weird.” Bucky snapped, fists tightening in his lap. Tanner scoffed, Logan laughing along with him.

“Says you. She is fucking weird. Did you finally get some from her or something? Defending her and shit.” Logan clapped Tanner on his back agreeing with him. “Shit, good for you dude. I would have fucked her a while ago. Probably would have kept her face down so I wouldn't have to see her-”

Before Tanner could finish his sentence, he was thrown from his seat from the powerful punch being landed on his jaw. His feet flew from where he was sitting, landing on his back with a heavy thud.

“Dude what the fuck?” Tanner stood wiping his face from the blood that started to trickle down from his bloody eyebrow. Bucky had never felt anger like this before. His heart was racing, his breathing labored. His cheeks were red and warm, eyebrows turned down.

“No, you don't get to make fun of her and make sexual comments about her.” Bucky snarled. Tanner rolled his eyes, walking closer to Bucky.

“Oh fuck off with that! You didn't defend her this hard on saturday.” Tanner's mistake after his words was shoving Bucky's shoulders back. Bucky reacted quickly by shoving Tanner with even more force.

Tanner threw a punch to Bucky’s jaw, making his head fly back. Bucky tackled Tanner to the ground, throwing punches left and right. Tanner fought back, hands flying landing punches wherever he could land them.

Logan was able to pull Bucky off of Tanner, warning the two that campus police would arrest them if they were caught. Both boys stared at each other fuming. Bucky snatched his trash and his backpack up, the scowl never leaving his face.

“If I ever see you looking or talking to Y/N, I will bash your face in.” Bucky growled.

Y/N felt better today. She found the strength to wear a cute outfit versus the oversized clothes she had been wearing prior out of fear. She didn't want anyone to look at her in any harmful way. She wanted to wear her cute outfits that were sometimes form fitting and short. She liked to wear her cute period pieces that had her own twist on them. She spent many years hating her body and the way she looked. She deserved to feel cute without thinking she is at fault for being sexualized and poorly treated.

She whipped out one of her favorite outfits today, loving the way it fit on her body making her feel confident. Sitting at the front desk of the admissions office, her feet propped up on the desk. Her shift was going by slowly, no one needing assistance this late in the day.

The door burst open making Y/N jump from her seat. She stood up shocked to see Bucky walk in with a huff. He wasn't supposed to work today but here he was. Y/N gasped looking at his cut lip and bruising eye.

“Bucky, what happened?” She maneuvered her way around the desk to stand in front of the beat up boy. She placed both of her hands on his cheeks to examine his injuries. He moved his face away from her tears brimming his eyes.

“I'm sorry Y/N. I'm really sorry. I should have protected you from them. I should've told them not to speak about you that way. You are more than some eye candy for men to act disgusting towards. You are beautiful and eclectic. You have a brilliant mind that shines brighter than anyone elses on this campus.” He spoke to her softly.

“I don't understand Bucky. What made you have this change of heart? You didn't give two shits about me last weekend.” She crossed her arms defensively.

“I know and I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe it was the alcohol but that's no excuse. I love you. I love all of you. You're not weird. You're your own person and I love everything about you. You do so much for me and I feel like shit for not doing the bare minimum for you.” His words stunned her.

“You love me?”

“God, with everything I have. Since the day you walked in here with those overalls. I've spent the past four years loving you.” Bucky whispered. He grabbed her hand, thumb rubbing over her knuckles.

“I love you too, Bucky.  I really do and I'm hurt. I don't think the hurt will go away for some time. You let them speak horribly about me. If you loved me like I was your girl, you would have defended me.” She spoke sorrowfully.

“I know, I know. I can't change the fact that I did nothing but I can tell you that I'm sorry. I'm always going to protect you. I did today. Tanner may be sporting a nasty goose egg on his eye because of his dumbass words.” Y/N giggled softly, touching his bruising knuckles.

“Thank you, Bucky.”

“I want to go back to normal. I miss you in the mornings and-and during our lunch breaks outside. I miss you.” Bucky stated.

“I miss you too.”

Bucky watched her eyes drop down to his lip, busted and all. He leaned forward slightly hoping she would meet him in the middle. She met him the rest of the way pressing her lips to his. Bucky relished this moment. He relished to be even sharing  moments with the girl he's been in love with since the second he saw her.

“I'm gonna be better, I promise.”

[wallwriterstuff]

My Evil Twin ||Alec vs Jane||

Warnings: mentions of abuse, torture and trauma. 

A request for @ferb13​   “Can I request you a headcanon about the things that make Alec more evil than Jane?” 

You absolutely can because I love this idea!! Also, please keep an eye out for an updated Upcoming Fic List tomorrow. I have two more requests I admittedly forgot about I’d like to get out now uni is done for the semester. 

I firmly believe the trauma they faced caused both twins to turn out to be incredibly sadistic and ruthless vampires, but there is definitely a case to be made that Alec is the more dangerous of the twins.

·         Alec is not quick to anger, therefore his revenge is not as instant as his sister’s. Displease Alec and you will be left wondering when exactly he will strike back – or if he even plans to – and he will let you stew in your own anxiety for the fun of it. Why torture you if your already torturing yourself?

 ·         Whereas Jane’s anger is explosive, Alec’s simmers. He has the capacity therefore to really think about just how much you’re annoying him and respond in kind. His revenge is never as swift as the agony of Jane’s gift, he will draw it out. For every second you have made him suffer he will return the favour

 ·         His gift is incredibly potent, he can strip a person’s senses and numb them, but do you think that hasn’t come with any sort of consequence for him? The truth is he simply can’t feel emotion sometimes. It takes strong emotion to really entice him to open up and feel anything, such as finding his mate for instance, but most of the time he is just…numb, and it makes him incredibly difficult to read. As such, it’s easy to find yourself trying to please him or accidentally annoying him, but you’ll never know until he reacts – which he rarely ever does. Though he doesn’t always mean to, it can often seem like he’s stringing people along because of this, but he has been known to deliberately use people’s struggles to read him to his advantage

 ·         Both twins are sadistic but in different ways. While Jane thrives off of the pain of others, Alec feeds off of their fear. He strips the senses, but they are still very much conscious. Alec enjoys their terror as their minds turn against them, imagining horrific scenarios occurring to their physical bodies while they cannot see, feel or hear their attackers coming. In this sense, he is far more sadistic than Jane, as his version of torture leaves longer lasting scars that he has absolutely no remorse about inflicting on anyone who crosses his path

 ·         Alec and Jane were raised in this life by Aro in two very different ways. Jane has, quite frankly, been groomed by Aro and is therefore much more eager to please and maintain her position as the favourite. Alec is not. Oh for sure he is loyal to Aro and will remain so out of sheer gratitude that he was saved by him, but he is very self-assured in a way Jane is not, knowing his offensive capability will either A) keep him in favour with the Masters or B) ensure he has a way out when the Masters stop giving him the opportunity to exercise that power                + Since he has no need to play the favourite, Alec will happily act his physical age and play pranks on the secretaries. He is the main reason they go through so many of them, and his pranks are by no means childish. He is a sadist remember. Physical injuries are part and parcel of otherwise highly psychologically traumatic pranks very similar to the ones he had to endure as a child. Poor Gianna never quite got rid of the scars on her knuckles after he locked her in a room full of tarantula’s – he spent four hours listening to her beg to be released while pounding on the door

 ·         In many ways Alec is seen as the calmer and more rational twin, subduing his sister when she gets violent. Some might even go so far as to say he saved them from Jane’s wrath. They are wrong. Alec is saving you from nothing, because he is extremely protective of Jane and if you anger her, you anger him. You are simply opening yourself up to his specific brand of psychological torture, and believe me when I tell you he is ten times more ruthless when it comes to defending his sister, to the point he will gladly kill for her, even if it goes against orders

 ·         Since it takes so much to get him riled up, it takes a lot more to calm him down. Alec is far more dangerous than Jane in this regard. He is very reluctant to stop using his gift once he starts, the feeling he gets watching people suffer the effects is akin to a high or an adrenaline rush maybe. He pushes his luck a lot when Aro orders him to stop whereas his sister will stop immediately. Ultimately, not even the Masters can stop him if Alec decides to make you suffer

 ·         He wears socks when relaxing in bed, enough said

 ·         Whereas Jane is cruel for a purpose (usually Aro’s), Alec is sometimes cruel just because he’s bored. Has a trial bored him? Felix suddenly can’t see. A long day of guard duty in the throne room? The secretary is distracted packing up to go home for the night, the perfect target. Alec can and will use his gift purely for entertainment purposes for the thrill he gets watching others suffer

 ·         Alec didn’t want to rely solely on his gift after a brush with a newborn once. Felix and Demetri taught him to fight at his request, but it was Caius who taught him to torture others. If Alec is a sadist then Caius taught him everything he knows, and its him that will accompany the blonde Master to the dungeon when he needs to blow off some steam on the prisoners they keep below. He doesn’t ask nor care about the crimes they committed, but when his dark side itches to be free there’s nothing better to him than slowly cracking off a finger or two. Not even Jane knows about this side of him

 ·         Ultimately, Alec is a lethal weapon in the form of a child and the way he enjoys his gift and uses it so indiscriminately shows it. He is far more evil than Jane for the sheer enjoyment he gets from torturing others in a far more traumatic way than his sister can and unlike her, he is far more difficult to reign in

[mdelpin]

The Red Dragon (Chapter 31)

AO3 | FF.Net | Tumblr: Ch1 | Ch30

Chapter 31

Soulmates have existed for as long as any dragon can remember, it’s one of the first things they teach us as whelps, and many dragons seem to have one. However, there is little recorded information on how they came to be or what the effects of soul bonds are on mated pairs.

“Tell me about it,” Atlas grumbled. For all the scrolls he’d pored over, there was little useful information. He continued reading, hoping that this journal he’d found, written by a dragon named Alienòr, whose scrolls he vaguely remembered reading, would end up being useful.

Not having a soulmate of my own, I became increasingly interested in this topic, curious to understand if there was something I was missing. After spending several centuries observing as many mated pairs as I could find, I have come to the following conclusions on this topic.

Although I came no closer to determining how this bond comes about, I determined that there are several stages involved in reaching a successful mating:

I call the first stage awareness - Many mated dragons described sudden knowledge that their soul mate had come into existence. They did not know who it was or where they might be, but they were full of certainty that they had entered the world.

The second stage is pull - Years after they achieve awareness, the dragons will inevitably meet; they will experience a sort of pulling sensation that will guide them to their mate. One fire dragon I talked to described a pull so strong it drove him to fly one thousand miles to a place he was unfamiliar with, only to find his mate living in a cave there.

The next stage is recognition - Mates will immediately recognize each other once they are in each other’s presence, regardless of age or gender. It is more common for this to happen after the onset of puberty, but I also witnessed it in younger dragons. The relationship remains platonic until both dragons have reached sexual maturity.

Atlas stopped his reading to think about how that applied to what he knew of Natsu and Igneel’s situations. Why had they ended up near this tiny village? Had it been arbitrary, or was Igneel drawn here? He couldn’t be sure. Igneel had been acting strangely at the time, but they’d both been under a lot of stress.

Natsu, however, had described a scent that guided him to fly to where Gray was. Atlas remembered Igneel’s insistence that Natsu did not need to go off searching for Gray as he would make his way to Natsu on his own. That sounded like the pull Alienòr had described.

He also knew that both Natsu and Igneel had immediately recognized Gray and Porlyusica as their soulmates. So far, their experiences matched up to what the journal described.

Once mates have recognized each other, a sort of courting process begins, which seems to vary both in time and method from race to race, although the overall goal to impress the other remains the same.

Fire dragons, for example, use involved flying acrobatics to impress their mate. I have added an extensive list of some feats I witnessed in my notes.

The dragons offer tokens to each other when they are ready to mate. The mating act itself seems to be what causes the souls to rejoin.

Although soul bonds are not sentient, they behave in a way that suggests specific aims.

The bonds seek to have mates coexist in each incarnation for as long as possible. This phenomenon is most noticeable when the mates are from different races. As an example, I observed a mated pair comprising an Earth dragon and a Sky dragon. The Sky dragon was the elder of the two by about two hundred years.

I have known Earth dragons to live upwards of fifteen hundred years, whereas a Sky dragon’s lifespan is around six hundred years. However, this Sky dragon lived to the unlikely age of close to a thousand years, while the Earth dragon died at eight hundred.

I have listed additional examples in my investigation notes, but this pattern was consistent across mixed-race soulmates.

“Where the hell are these notes he keeps talking about?” Atlas muttered to himself. He couldn’t recall having ever come across them, and it sounded like they had information he might find useful. Looking down at the mess of scrolls and books that took up almost every inch of his room, he sighed, knowing finding them was unlikely.

With natural death, mated dragons with longer life expectancies died earlier than was usual, while dragons with shorter life expectancies saw their lives extended.

When a mate’s death is precipitated by anything other than natural causes, there is a powerful urge for the surviving mate to take their own life. This urge can be surpassed, but it is rare to see the dragon reach full maturity. It is my opinion that there is some outside force working away at their life force so the cycle can begin anew.

Side effects/ Abilities of the soul bond

Although there doesn’t seem to be one unified experience, there are certain phenomena that are oft-repeated:

Mates have limited telepathy with each other; however, they cannot intrude on each other’s thoughts. This ability can improve with practice.

Heightened senses let them detect each other’s location.

Lying or acting in any way that will upset their mate will cause acute anxiety and inner conflict.

Mates cannot consciously hurt each other.

Have an open mental connection often described as a continuous background hum, allowing them to recognize any significant shift in emotions or pain levels

Based on these observations, I have devised spells that will grant me the ability to examine souls. I hope that reviewing what differences might exist between the souls of dragons with soulmates and those without will give me new insight. I’m also quite curious to learn if there is any way to study the soul bonds directly.

Atlas turned to the next page excitedly, wanting to read any results or conclusions Alienòr might have reached, but to his dismay, there was nothing but empty pages.

“Damn it!”

He slammed the journal on his worktable in frustration. Atlas knew he recognized the dragon’s name, but he couldn’t remember which of his scrolls he might have read. With no other alternative left, he began sorting through the mess, trying to locate Alienòr’s work.

0-0

Gray had informed Atlas and Igneel of his decision as soon as he’d returned from his trip with Lyon. Igneel had acted pleased while Atlas had disappeared to his room in a foul temper, claiming he needed to work on the spell. He only came out to eat and to spend time with Igneel.

Gray had left them to their preparations while he focused on training, applying himself with the same dedication he’d had when learning Ice Make magic from Ur all those years ago. He practiced his astral projection for hours at a time until he felt comfortable leaving his room and exploring the cave. Sometimes Igneel joined him, and they’d chat about Natsu, which only bolstered his determination to work hard. During those moments, Gray could tell that Igneel seemed sad about something, but he followed Lyon’s advice and didn’t let it worry him.

“I think you’ve got the hang of this now, how about we try something new?” Igneel asked, appearing in Gray’s room just as he was getting ready to move around.

“Sure, what did you have in mind?”

“I thought you could try to use your magic.”

“I can use my magic like this?”

“Of course. Your magic is a part of you, you might as well get used to wielding it.”

“Does that mean I’ve always had ice magic?” Gray puzzled. Until he’d met Ur, he’d had no sign that he had any magical power.

“Yes, it might just have taken a while to manifest while your dragon soul learned to adapt to being in a human body.”

Gray supposed that made as much sense as anything else.

“Will it be different from what I already know?”

“Why don’t you try it and see?” Igneel encouraged, watching him with great interest.

Gray thought it best to cast a spell he used often, since he was nervous about invoking his magic while in astral form.

Ice-Make: Cold Excalibur

An ice sword materialized in front of him, just as it always did, but this time it clattered uselessly to the floor when he attempted to close his fingers around it. It was only then he remembered he no longer had fingers to speak of. He’d also forgotten to account for his now larger size, so the sword looked more like a toy than a weapon.

Igneel chuckled at his horrified expression. “You might have to change how you think about it, though. Creation magic is powerful. You’ll just have to devise ways to use it that will suit your dragon body. Until then, your talons, fangs, wings, tail, and even the horns on your head are all powerful weapons you can use to great effect. As a dragon you’ll also gain a breath weapon and improved control over your element.”

Gray hadn’t even considered he might have to use his magic differently once he switched bodies, but he’d figure something out. That was the thing he’d always loved about his magic. It would never fail him as long as he could think his way through a problem.

He couldn’t contain his excitement at the thought that in a few short weeks he’d be with Natsu again. And this time he’d be the one to surprise him with a grand gesture, just like he’d always wanted. They’d be able to have the life they’d always dreamed of.

He was still nervous about how that was going to play out, though. He knew next to nothing about being a dragon.

“What’s the matter? You look worried. Are you afraid you won’t be able to do it?”

“No, it’s not that. It’s just, I don’t know the first thing about being a dragon and-”

“You’ll be fine,” Igneel assured him, “Believe it or not, a lot of it will just come to you by instinct. I have to say, I’m a little curious though. It’s obvious you’re some sort of ice dragon, but you don’t look like any I’ve ever seen.”

“I don’t?” Gray frowned, not understanding what Igneel meant until he remembered the last dragon that had attacked Talos. It had been an ice dragon, and it’d been white and smaller than Natsu.

“No. All the ice dragons I’ve encountered have had white, light blue or silver scales, and they were on the smaller side. They looked nothing like you.” Igneel said, pointing at Gray’s navy blue fur and larger size.

Gray was a little disappointed, Natsu had found ice dragons pretty, and he’d been looking forward to his reaction when he realized his mate had turned into one. Then again, he had a feeling that would be the last thing on Natsu’s mind when he saw him

.

“So how do I use my breath weapon?”

“Can you feel your magic inside you?”

Gray nodded, it didn’t feel any different than usual.

“If you’re used to creating things with your ice, you probably let out your magic in even spurts. Am I right?”

“Yeah, I don’t really need to use a lot at once unless I’m molding something large,” Gray agreed.

“Breath weapons are very effective, but they take a bit of time to charge up. That’s why you need to learn how to use other parts of your body to fight while that happens. Now, I want you to collect as much magic as you feel comfortable with, and then I want you to let it out all at once through your mouth. You can’t hurt anything here, so aim wherever you want.”

“Okay.” Gray closed his eyes to settle his nerves and began calling on his magic, letting it collect until he didn’t feel like he could hold it in anymore. It felt like a tremendous amount, even though it was only a fraction of what was available to him. He released it all at once, feeling as it traveled through his lungs, up his long neck and out through his mouth.

Considering what he’d seen of Natsu’s breath attack, even in his human form, he’d expected to see a large cone of ice spewing out from his mouth. However, no ice had come out at all, even though he’d felt something. It took him a moment to notice a sort of fog surrounding him.

“Well, that was pretty pitiful,” Atlas snorted from behind him, “What’s the matter, forget how to make ice?”

Gray startled at Atlas’ voice and instantly felt something shift in his magic. He didn’t quite understand it, but he noticed the mist had gotten thicker.

“What the hell?” Atlas sounded puzzled, and he stared at Gray, eyes narrowing as his brow furrowed.

“Is there a reason you're gracing us with your presence?”

“Look at his side,” Atlas urged Igneel, who only shrugged.

“I don’t see anything.”

“It’s not doing it on that side too?”

“Doing what? What are you talking ab-,” Igneel moved to stand beside Atlas, peering through the mist to get a look at Gray’s side.

“What is that?”

“No idea, I’ve seen nothing like that before. Did that mist get thicker when it started?”

“Could be. Are those markings?” Igneel muttered, “Do you think they mean anything?��

“Maybe? Maybe some kind of mutation,” Atlas suggested, “or he could be some special type of ice dragon? Might explain why he looks different.”

“I don’t understand, why didn’t any ice come out? My ice make worked just fine,” Gray interrupted the two brothers before they got involved in one of their discussions.

He didn’t get why they were so worked up about the inky tendrils that had appeared on his forearm and shoulder. Frankly, he was more concerned with his magic not working the way he’d expected.

He didn’t really get why they were so worked up about the inky tendrils that had appeared on his forearm and shoulder. Frankly, he was more concerned with his magic not working the way he’d expected.

“I don’t know,” Igneel admi, d, “but it’s the first time you tried to use your breath weapon, it could be you just need practice.”

“I guess,” Gray said, feeling disappointed. It had felt like he’d done everything right.

“Don’t beat yourself up,” Atlas said, “the astral realm doesn’t work the same way as what you’re used to. Things here work off two things: intent and instinct. You followed your instinct, but since you don’t know what to expect, it would make it difficult to visualize the outcome well enough to materialize it here. I’m sure that will change after-”

“So what did you come here to tell us?” Igneel changed the subject abruptly.

“I’m taking off for a while. I found something I think might be helpful, but it’s incomplete. Maybe the rest of it is still in Desierto.”

“It’s a waste of time, we have everything we need here,” Igneel argued.

“No. We don’t,” Atlas growled, “I’ll be back in a week. You should do some research on those markings while I’m gone, it could be something. Odds are if we haven’t come across something like that, he hasn’t either.”

The hellfire dragon disappeared from their view before Igneel could protest further, and although he still looked upset, he also seemed pensive.

“Why don’t you try one more time before we call it a day?”

Gray nodded and began collecting his magic once more.

0-0

Atlas hadn’t returned to Desierto since they’d moved to the mountains near Talos some twenty-five years earlier, but he’d lived there for almost four hundred years. He still knew just about every nook and cranny of the vast cave system they’d called home. He’d first explored it as a whelp along with Igneel, Deliora and several of the other dragons they’d grown up with.

It was also the place where he’d first discovered his love of magic, something his parents had quickly recognized and done their best to encourage, despite him being a hellfire dragon and unlikely to progress very far. It had taken him decades to see any development, but once he had he’d never looked back, learning more and more until it seemed like there was no problem he couldn’t solve with magic.

Atlas had told Igneel he’d only be gone a week, and it had taken him two days of swift flying to get here. That left him with about two days to search and one day to rest before embarking on the flight home.

Atlas knew Igneel had probably been right in saying this was a fool’s errand, but if he could somehow keep his brother from having to give up his life to do this for Natsu, it would be worth it.

Familiar scents greeted him as he stood inside the main entrance, filling him with a profound sadness. A lot of those dragons had passed away during the war, and would hopefully be reborn soon. But some hadn’t been as lucky. For those, the only remaining trace of their existence lived inside Acnologia.

It grieved Atlas to think of how many soulmate pairs the renegade had destroyed with that soul reaping spell of his. He wished they’d realized how dangerous Acnologia was earlier. They might have had a chance then, before he’d collected so many types of magic and become so unpredictable. It would have saved them a lot of heartache. Sadly, there was no magic that could turn back time, and it was something he had very little of at the moment.

Where should he look first? The old library seemed the most likely place to start, but he’d supervised its relocation himself, so it was unlikely anything of import would still be there. Alienòr was a name he’d vaguely recognized, so he’d likely died before Atlas had been born, as he’d apprenticed under all the red dragons that had studied magic.

Atlas found his way to the old library, which as expected was empty. While debating which areas of the lair had the highest chance of gaining him results, he felt a pull and groaned, recognizing it as Natsu wanting to communicate.

What now?

He headed to his old quarters, casting a barrier spell at the entrance on the off chance there was someone else inhabiting the cave. Natsu waited for him at their usual meeting place.

The souls that visited the astral plane could shape it into whatever guise they wanted. For Igneel, that often meant a volcanic region, but for Natsu it was their mountain. He sat atop it now, staring up at the stars as he often did when he was home.

“Everything okay?”

Natsu sighed, “Yeah. We’re almost done sending the dragon slayers home. Most of them had their magic removed.”

“I see. Does that include Wendy and the others?”

“No, they all kept theirs. I had to remove Irene’s magic, though.”

Atlas couldn’t help but notice the sad expression on his nephew’s face. “Something’s bothering you. Out with it.”

“I didn’t have time to tell you last time, she began to dragonify.”

Atlas grunted his displeasure at the news. Irene was a friend. She’d fought hard for them from the very beginning, having come from Dragnof where dragons and humans had once lived in harmony.

“How bad?”

“Her face, I’m not sure where else. I removed her magic to keep it from progressing, but she-”

“Let me guess, she doesn’t want Anna or Erza to see her like that?”

“Yeah.”

“Stubborn as always, but don’t worry about it. Tell her I can help her, but only if she comes home.”

“Thanks, I was hoping you could do something.” Natsu looked relieved, but Atlas couldn’t help but notice that the underlying sadness remained.

“It’s the least we can do for her,” Atlas smiled, remembering some of Irene’s feats. “Erza’s the one that used to beat you up when you were a kid, right?”

Natsu nodded, his eyes soon returning to the night sky. “How’s Gray doing?”

“About how you’d expect, he mopes around without you and complains about the heat.”

Natsu chuckled, but soon turned quiet again. His tail twitched behind him, giving away his agitation.

“Seriously, kid, what’s eating you?”

“Sting and Rogue are coming home.”

“And you don’t want them to?” Atlas wondered out loud.

“I don’t know. Talos is their home, even more than it’s mine. It’s just—I’m worried,” Natsu said, “You know what? Nevermind, it’s stupid.”

“I don’t follow. Is it because you’re still angry?” Atlas pressed.

“No, I mean I am, but that’s not really it.”

“Then, why don’t you tell me what it is you’re worried about?”

“It’s just—things between me and Gray are hard enough now. He goes off to work every day, and I do my King thing. Neither one of us fits into the other’s world. Not as things are. And I know he says he’s happy, but he’s my mate. I can feel his sadness.”

Natsu teared up. “How’s he going to feel when he’s confronted with Sting and Rogue? When he sees them having what we once had, but never can again. Is it going to destroy what we do have? Is he going to resent me?”

“Why not go somewhere else then?”

“I can’t take Gray away from his brother and his friends, that wouldn’t be fair. And where would we go, anyway? I can’t take him to Drak Aast, not after I agreed to remove all humans from the island.”

“Ugh, this whole thing sucks!” Natsu roared out his frustration. “This is exactly why I wanted to set him free.”

“You know that wouldn't have changed anything. From what Igneel tells me, Gray would be a lot more miserable without you, and I think he’s right. Think of how far that boy came to be with you. I think you should have more faith in him.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I guess I’m just scared. Now that he’s been living with us—I don’t want to go back to the way it was before.”

“Things will work out somehow, I’m sure of it.” Atlas nuzzled his nephew’s cheek, wanting to offer him some comfort from his gloomy thoughts.

“Thanks. I should go, there are still a lot of things I need to do before I go.”

“Sure. When will you be home?” Atlas asked, trying to appear uninterested in the response.

“One week’s time. At least it was a brief trip, huh?”

“Yeah, we can talk more when you get home.”

Natsu grunted his agreement, “Bye, Atlas.”

And just like that he was gone, and the mountain along with him. Atlas’ soul returned to his body, and he was once again in his old bedroom. He paced the large room, cursing this newest problem.

Atlas wanted to tell Natsu the truth. He thought Igneel’s plan was unnecessarily cruel, but he supposed it would be even crueller to make Natsu choose between his father and his fondest wish.

Natsu was coming home in one week. If Atlas didn’t return right away, they might not have enough time to perform the spell before Natsu arrived with the dragon slayers.

But he hadn’t even searched yet.

Natsu doesn’t need me anymore, but he needs Gray. This current arrangement they have, you know it’s hurting them both.

Igneel’s words haunted him. Damn it, why did he always have to be right? It pissed him off.

And how the hell could his brother expect him to let go of him so easily? The only time they’d been apart since they’d hatched was when Igneel had lived in Talos with Porlyusica, and even then they’d seen each other regularly.

Igneel was more than his brother, he was his best friend. Atlas had never needed anyone else. He’d come to Desierto in search of a miracle, desperate to find anything that would keep him from having to let go, but…

Igneel had long ago made his peace with his sacrifice. Atlas was being selfish, and no matter how much Igneel’s decision hurt him, it wasn't his choice to make. And Natsu had unwittingly confirmed why it was so important.

After everything Natsu had done for them, didn’t he deserve to live the life they’d always promised him? Especially when Gray was willing to trade everything he was on the off chance they could manage it.

Atlas could spend days here, but he knew he was unlikely to find anything that would help. They had moved everything of importance twenty-five years ago. Even if he found those notes, they might not help him at all. And then he’d have missed his last days with Igneel for nothing.

He’d always bet on magic to solve all his problems, and maybe with enough time it could. But he knew he had to follow his heart this time, or he’d regret it for the rest of his life.

He would head home in the morning, but first he needed to rest.

0-0

Gray raced down the mountain path, making his way towards the lake where he knew he’d find Lyon and Erza. They went there every day to watch the sunset before heading home to get dinner started.

Natsu and Happy would be home in four days, but for once that wasn’t the reason he was so excited. Atlas had told them the dragon slayers would come with them. All of them.

He wasn’t sure how he felt about Sting and Rogue’s return, but he also knew it wouldn’t be an issue. By the time they arrived, he’d more than likely be a dragon. If that were the case, it would be a lot easier to forgive them for what had happened.

Gray ran past the field and through town, waving at the people that greeted him along the way. He didn’t stop until he saw Lyon and Erza standing by the shore. It took him several minutes to catch his breath and by that point his friends had already noticed him and were watching him with concern.

“Is something wrong?” Erza asked, and he wanted to laugh because it was just the opposite but held it in to avoid choking and really worrying her. Instead, he raised his hand at her and gestured for her to wait.

“They dragon slayers are coming home,” Gray finally managed to get out in between pants. He peered at Erza with a big smile and added, “All of them. Natsu got in touch with Atlas and told him, they’ll be here in four days.”

“My mother?” Erza breathed, tears welling in her eyes. “She’s coming home?”

Gray could only grin at her as she tackled him so hard they both fell on the ground.

Lyon helped them up, laughing at Erza’s embarrassed expression as he wrapped her up in a hug. “That’s amazing! She’s finally coming home, I’m so happy for you.”

Gray couldn’t resist teasing his brother, “You’re going to get to meet your mother-in-law, I sure hope she likes you.”

Lyon glared at him, but Erza was quick to shut Gray down, “Nonsense! Of course she’ll love him. How could she not?”

Gray could think of a few reasons, but he kept them all to himself because Erza turned to smile at him then and she looked so radiant it took his breath away, the setting sun no match for her beauty.

“Why am I standing here? I have to tell Anna!” Erza glanced over at Lyon, “Do you want to come?”

“I’ll stay with Gray, there’s something I want to talk to him about, and I imagine Anna would rather hear the news in private. Take your time, I know the two of you will have a lot to talk about.”

Erza waved at them and then ran in the orphanages’ direction.

“It’s nice to see her so happy,” Lyon commented, as he watched her retreating figure. “She’s waited for that for so long.”

“Yeah, she certainly has.”

“So, what does this mean for you? You’d said you needed to do your thing before Natsu returned.”

“I’m handing in my resignation tomorrow morning, so I guess I’ll say my goodbyes then. We’re planning on doing the spell the day before Natsu arrives to give me some time to get used to—uh, everything I guess. Not sure what will happen after he gets back.”

“Have you thought about what you’re going to tell people?”

Gray hadn’t given it any thought. “Why would anyone care?”

“Because you’ve been a guard for a very long time?”

Gray shrugged, “I dunno, I guess I’ll say my husband and I are moving away somewhere.”

“As crazy as it sounds, I’m so proud of you. I’m sorry I gave you a hard time on that trip. I just—”

“I know. You were trying to look out for me, I’m glad I stuck it out though.”

Lyon squeezed his shoulder, “I am too. I know it wasn't easy, but now that you’re about to get what you’ve always wanted, I couldn’t be happier.”

He suddenly laughed, “You know, I never thanked you for nagging me to move here. And I’m glad everyone is coming home, it hasn’t been the same without them.”

Gray smirked, “Maybe you can take down Wendy someday... but I doubt it.”

“You promised you’d never bring that up again,” Lyon whined, much to Gray’s delight.

“They’re going to be different,” Gray warned, thinking of the things Natsu had told him.

“I know, but we can still be here for them.”

“You’ve grown up a lot.”

“I had an outstanding teacher,” Lyon remarked, playfully punching Gray’s shoulder.

“Have you told Erza about the spell?”

“No, I didn’t

know what to say, and I kind of thought you’d like to tell her.” Lyon snapped his fingers, “Don’t forget you promised me a ride!”

“Sure, sure. You’ll probably crap your pants,” Gray snorted, but Lyon’s words served as a pleasant reminder that his brother loved him no matter what.

“Hey, do you remember that time we iced Sting’s locker?” Lyon giggled.

“His face!” Gray roared, laughing at the memory. “And then Natsu refused to help him melt it, so Rogue had to phase into it and get everything out for him so he wouldn’t be late for his shift.”

They sat down to watch the sunset together, laughing as they looked back on the good memories they had made during their earlier years in Talos.

0-0

“Do you have a minute?”

Gray looked up from the sketch he was working on before going to bed to find Igneel standing at the room’s entrance.

“Yes, of course,” Gray put his pencil down and gestured for Igneel to come inside, curious what his father-in-law wanted to talk to him about.

Igneel ambled in, “I just wanted to let you know Natsu got in touch with us a few minutes ago. They’ve just left.”

Gray tensed up at the news. It thrilled him that Natsu was coming home sooner than expected, but it also reminded him how little time they had left.

Igneel glanced around the room, his eyes coming to rest on the piece of paper Gray had been working on, “I didn’t know you drew. Is that Natsu?”

“Yeah, it is.” Gray scratched the back of his neck, feeling self-conscious. He’d only ever let Natsu and Lyon see his drawings. “It’s not something I do often, just when I’m anxious, I guess. Keeps me from getting inside my head too much.”

Igneel nodded in understanding, “I suppose that would be magic for me. Speaking of which, I’m sorry to say we’ve yet to find any information on those markings of yours, but we’ll keep looking.”

“I still don’t get why you guys are so excited about that.”

“Well, it’s because it has the potential to be a weapon against Acnologia. We don’t understand much about how his magic works, but he has one spell that allows him to reap a portion of a dragon’s soul. When successful, he links the soul to his magic and gains a certain resistance or immunity to that magic.”

“That happened to you, didn’t it?”

“Yes, along with many other dragons. It’s why he’s so hard to kill, he’s made it so our magic is useless against him. But if we could find something he’s never encountered before,” Igneel shrugged, “who knows?”

“I doubt that mist would do much of anything against him,” Gray muttered.

Igneel chuckled at him. “Don’t sell yourself short, we don’t know what it can do yet. I’m sure Atlas will figure it out once you can wield it. It will be an excellent distraction for him.”

Gray stopped to wonder what it would be a distraction from, but the sheer panic at having to fight Acnologia someday soon replaced it.

“I’m going to fight that thing?”

“It’s possible. Does that scare you?”

“Well yeah, he held his own against all of you, and you knew what you were doing.”

“There’s something I told Natsu a long time ago. It’s likely the most important thing I ever taught him, and I’m going to share it with you as well.” Igneel disclosed.

“Regardless of who you’re fighting, the critical thing in any battle is to keep a level head. You have plenty of weapons at your disposal, but your mind is the most important one. If you let yourself panic, then you’ve already lost. I think as a creation mage, this is especially relevant to you.”

Gray nodded, understanding the truth in those words. He only hoped he’d remember them when the time came. He was aware of how terrifying Acnologia was. Then again, the next time they met things would be different. He’d no longer be a human, and Natsu would be right by his side. Not to mention, Gray had a score to settle with him, for hurting Natsu the way he had, and for taking away the life they’d just begun.

He did, however, want to change the subject to something more pleasant, especially with Natsu on the way home and the possibility of danger never far from his mind.

“Do you think you could teach me how to fly once I’ve changed? I’d like to surprise Natsu and I’m not sure I could survive Atlas teaching me anything else,” Gray implored, recalling how miserable he’d been when the hellfire dragon had taught him how to astral project.

“You don’t think you being a dragon will be enough of a surprise?” Igneel joked, but his laughter sounded hollow, and Gray couldn’t help but notice Igneel had averted his eyes.

“Igneel?”

The fire dragon stared at the ground, remaining silent long enough to make Gray feel uneasy.

“I haven’t been entirely truthful with you,” Igneel admitted, looking up at Gray at last.

“What do you mean?” It amazed Gray how calm he sounded, because inside he was anything but. He’d known from the beginning that Igneel was keeping something from him, and as much as he wanted to know what it was, he’d also been dreading it.

“I’m afraid I won’t be here after you’ve changed.”

“Won't be here?” Gray repeated, “I don’t understand.”

“What we’re trying to do, frankly, it’s never been attempted before. I’m not sure anyone but Atlas could manage it, and it would never work if you didn’t possess a dragon soul.”

“How to explain it?” Igneel’s talons tapped the cave floor as he thought.

“Energy can’t be created, it can only transform from one form to another. And it will take a lot of energy to create the body that matches your soul. To accomplish this, Atlas will have to deconstruct both our bodies and transform the released energy into your new body.” Igneel explained, gauging Gray’s reaction before continuing.

“However, despite having a dragon soul, your current lifespan is still that of a human. So the second part of the puzzle was, how can we prolong that to closer match Natsu’s? There’s only one solution. I will merge my remaining life force with yours. From what Atlas discovered in his research, your soul bond should take care of the rest.”

“Are you saying in order for me to become a dragon, you have to... die?” Gray balked at the thought.

“Gray—”

“No!” Gray stood up from his chair, moving to bridge the distance between them. “How can you talk about this like it’s nothing? Do you have any idea what your death would do to Natsu? Because I do. I’ve lived it.”

It scared him to think of how Natsu had acted after that nightmare, and back then he hadn't even known for a fact if Igneel was dead.

“Gray—”

“How can you ask this of me? I’ve already put him through so much, I can’t be the one responsible for taking you away. Can’t you see that? And how the hell is Atlas—”

“GRAY!” Igneel roared, cutting off the rest of his protests.

“I understand how you feel, but I assure you I didn’t decide this lightly. And I do know what it will do to him. But I also know that Natsu is strong. Losing me will make him sad, but it won’t destroy him. Losing you, however, is a different matter.”

“But your soul,” Gray objected, trying to think of anything that might change the dragon’s mind. “Natsu told me if you died before Acnologia you wouldn’t be able to—”

“I appreciate your concern,” Igneel frowned, “but any doubts I may have had were gone the moment I realized your magic might be what we need to defeat that abomination.”

“But we know nothing about it!”

“It’s still the only lead we have. I’ve had a wonderful life, Gray. Full of love and magic. It’s all I ever wished for. So please, don’t change your mind now. I know it’s asking a lot, but let me do this for the two of you. I want to.”

This was insanity. There was no way he could be a part of this. Natsu would never forgive him. Not in a million years. Gray felt the room closing in around him as everything fell apart.

“I can’t—,” He didn’t know what it was he couldn’t do, breathe, go through with the spell, understand what was happening? It felt like all of them at once.

“Just think about it, okay?” Igneel pleaded.

“I have to go.”

Gray turned around and ran out of the cave, not at all sure what he was running away from but needing to breathe some fresh air, heat wave be damned. He headed down to the lake again, knowing it would be cooler near the water. Maybe he’d go for a swim. He needed to think, and it was late enough he didn’t expect to see anyone.

He stripped before wading into the water, letting himself float while looking up at the night sky. The stars shone brilliantly, reminding him of all the nights he’d spent at the top of the mountain with Fukou.

What was he supposed to do?

According to Lyon, he wasn’t responsible for the choices of others, but surely there had to be a limit to that. Going through with their plan meant Igneel would die.

But Igneel said it was something he wanted, and Atlas wasn’t trying to stop him anymore.

If he went through with it, would Natsu hate him for taking his father away?

If he didn’t would he regret it when he died and Natsu had to continue living alone because of the promise he made?

Back and forth Gray went, getting no closer to an answer he could live with. If only he could talk to Natsu to get a feel for what he’d want him to do. That was what he hated the most out of all this. This decision affected both their lives, yet he needed to make it on his own.

Why couldn’t they just wait until Natsu returned?

“Gray?”

He forced himself back to the present, glancing at the shore and finding Juvia peering at him with a concerned expression. How long had she been calling for him?

He didn’t feel like talking to anyone at the moment, but he also didn’t want to be rude.

“Yeah, it’s me,” he said, standing up in the water and walking towards the shore. “No need to make that face, I just felt like cooling down.”

“Oh,” She didn’t look very convinced, but she didn’t call him on it and she perked up when she saw he was walking over.

“Juvia is glad to run into Gray. Juvia was afraid she wouldn’t get to say goodbye when she missed the meeting.” She sat down on the sand, delicately arranging her skirt around her.

“Well, Natsu won’t be back for another two days. I’m not sure when we’re leaving,” Gray said, grabbing his clothes and putting them on before sitting next to her.

If at all.

“Juvia also heard congratulations are in order.”

“Congratulations?”

“Gray married Natsu,” She blushed prettily.

“Oh that,” Gray had forgotten he’d announced it at the meeting, “uhm thanks.”

“Lyon said Gray had been in love with Natsu since he was very young. And when Natsu went off to fight in the war, Gray wore his scarf and waited for him to return for so very long, never giving his heart to anyone else.”

“Gray is so very romantic!” Juvia cooed.

“He didn’t say this in front of anyone else, did he?” Gray groaned at the thought.

“No,” Juvia giggled, “Only Juvia. Lyon is proud of Gray. Juvia thinks he’s a bit of a romantic too.”

“He’s something, alright,” Gray laughed along with her. “How about you? How’s the mysterious boyfriend?”

“Juvia is on her way to see Logan. He lives on the other side of the lake,” Juvia smiled, her eyes shining as she looked across the water.

“I’m glad you found someone who makes you happy.”

“Juvia is too, it’s much nicer when the other person likes you too.”

“Juvia... I’m sorry—”

“No, no!” Juvia raised her hands in protest. “Juvia didn’t mean it like that!”

“Juvia had no one to teach her how to use her magic. So Juvia made it rain all the time, and it drove people away. Juvia was always lonely. Then Gray defended Juvia, and Juvia wanted to believe it was because Gray loved her.”

“So Juvia forced her feelings on Gray and drove him away too. Anna helped Juvia understand that was not what love was. Then Juvia met Logan, and he was very interested in Juvia and Juvia’s friends.”

“Oh, have the others met him?”

Gray couldn’t recall hearing anything about it, but that wasn’t all that unusual. He didn’t precisely socialize with anyone outside of Lyon and Erza, and his problems had distracted him from everything else.

“No, Logan doesn’t enjoy crossing the lake, but he cares about Juvia. Logan asks about Juvia’s day and about her friends. And now, Juvia is happy. She would do anything to be with Logan.”

Gray blinked at her, knowing those words sounded familiar. It didn’t take him long to remember why. He didn’t need to guess Natsu’s answer, because he’d already given it to him when they had been trying to find their way back to each other.

If there were any way to change what I am, I’d do it in a second. I’d do anything to be with you…

There might not be a way to change what Natsu was, but Atlas and Igneel had given Gray the opportunity to do just that, and he’d come so close to throwing it away. While he still didn’t feel right about Igneel’s sacrifice, he would accept it. After all, hadn’t his own parents given up their lives for him?

“Thank you!” Gray wrapped Juvia up in a quick hug, flustering her even as she looked confused by his outburst. “I have to go!”

He scrambled to his feet and ran back home to tell Igneel what he’d decided.

Juvia watched him leave in stunned silence. Gray had been the first man Juvia had ever loved, even if he’d never returned her feelings. And he’d also been the first person to show her any kindness. She would always remember him fondly.

She waited until she couldn’t see him anymore and then turned to the water and waded in. Once the water reached her neck, she switched to her water body and swam across the lake, her mind filled with her upcoming rendezvous.

It didn't take her long to reach their meeting spot. Juvia dispelled her water body, her clothes already dry by the time she reached her lover.

“You’re late,” Logan snapped.

“Logan waited for Juvia!” Juvia ignored his rebuke. She walked up to her boyfriend and grabbed his one hand in both of hers and smiled up at him. “Juvia is sorry for being late. Juvia ran into one of her friends on the way.”

“It’s alright,” Logan drew in a long breath before returning her smile. “I was just worried about you.”

“What should we do tonight? Shall we go to Logan’s house? Juvia can make some food if Logan is hungry.”

“It’s such a pretty night, why don’t we go for a walk?” Logan offered, leading Juvia towards the forest once she agreed.

The blue tattoos that ran down Logan’s arm gleamed in the moonlight, contrasting with the dark skin that Juvia had always considered exotic. She stared at them briefly, once again wondering what they meant. She’d asked him one time, but he’d changed the subject.

Gray had referred to Logan as mysterious, and Juvia had to admit he wasn’t wrong. She knew little about him, even after months of seeing each other. Whenever she asked him questions about his past, Logan somehow turned the conversation back to her.

“So which of your friends did you run into?”

“Oh, it was Gray,” Juvia replied, her attention on a flower that only bloomed at night.

“Wasn’t he the ice mage that was injured during the dragon attack?” Logan’s tone was casual, but his hand squeezed Juvia’s tighter than usual.

Juvia frowned. She’d been about to complain when he relaxed his grip, flashing her an apologetic smile.

“Sorry darling, you know how just the thought of dragons gets me all worked up.”

“It’s alright,” Juvia assured him, “It’s not something Juvia likes to talk about either, but yes, that was Gray.”

“And how is dear Gray doing these days?” Logan let go of her hand, picking the flower Juvia had been admiring and placing it in her hair.

“Wonderful!” Juvia blushed at his attention, her hand moving up to her hair to touch the flower. “Gray’s husband is coming home at last, and they’ll be moving away soon.”

“Who is his husband again?”

“Juvia has never met Natsu, he’s one of the dragon slayers that left to fight in the war.”

“Natsu,” Logan’s voice dripped with a venom Juvia had never heard him use before, “I sure hope he gets the welcome he deserves.”

“Logan?”

A/N: One chapter to go! I'm so excited and I do plan on continuing through to the end. Next chapter will feature some guest writing from my husband so expect a nice fight scene as well as a beautiful art from @khaoticvex​! As the song that makes me think of the next chapter goes... It's been a long time comin'

[927roses-and-stuff]

Miracles in Gotham Chapter 5: Tales of the Misguided Serpent

I really am sorry it's taking more than five chapters for them to actually get to Gotham, by the way. I know most fics will usually have them there by the first chapter. I just like having a lot of build up for the plot and future subplots, so please bear with me!TW: Explicit minor character death and violence in war. Mentions of PTSD, depression, anxiety, and self-harm. 

Hey guys! Thank you so much for reading this story and (hopefully) enjoying it so far! I realize I don’t say it enough, but I truly appreciate everyone who took the time to read this fic, and knowing that there are people who enjoy it are part of my inspiration to write more. As always, an extra thank you to @ozmav for the AU, and @mystery-5-5 for helping me through the writing process (and dealing with my rants).

There will be mentions and allusions to real life events and locations associated with World War II. I don’t mean any disrespect, and any character mentioned and associated within the story is purely fictional. This is not meant to be an accurate depiction of WWII or war in general, nor is it meant to be a mockery of what actually happened. There will also be brief mentions of PTSD, depression, and anxiety symptoms and self-harm. These are all based on research from sources that my therapist has given me (i.e. Centre for Clinical Interventions) and my own personal experiences. 

Lastly, Alfred is in his mid-teens here (because he would fake his age to get into the army) and he isn’t the all wise and knowing Alfred Pennyworth we know and love just yet. And we all know how Master Fu loves giving Miraculous to unqualified, unprepared owners XD. 

P.S. Not me making Sass oblivious to human stuff because I don’t know a lot of war stuff. 

If you want to see more, follow: #miraclesingotham or ask to be added to the tag list.

Tag list: : @northernbluetongue @zerotosiki @spicybelladonna @my-name-is-michell @legendaryneckjudgestudent @lokiifriggasonn

First Previous Next Fanfic

“Tell me everything you know about this Alfred Pennyworth and your time with him, Sass. I need to know if he can help before considering everything.” 

The snake kwami merely nodded. “Of course, my Guardian.”

“Alfred Pennyworth was one of the best snakelets I have ever known, even if in the end, he did not believe so. If given the time, perhaps, he could have mastered the Snake Miraculous in all of its power, despite his young age. I think he would’ve been only a year or two older than yourself...” 

August 1943, Northwest Europe

“Alfred Pennyworth, I am Sass, kwami of the Snake Miraculous, of Intuition. I will grant you the powers of Second Chance, so long as you promise to use your powers for good.” 

The snake kwami held out his hands gracefully as he finished introducing himself to his new owner. The current Guardian had told him of his duties before he was handed to the young man in front of  him. In times of war, a little intuition could go a long way. 

As Alfred continued to remain unresponsive, Sass began to worry. Alfred Pennyworth was a young man with sharp eyebrows and dark, piercing eyes dressed in a camouflage dark-green military uniform complete with the green beret covering his scalp . Sass noticed the tiny tremors of his shoulders and his tightly pressed lips,  although it would be unnoticeable to the untrained eye. They were in a dimly lit room, although it was strangely quiet for times of war, as the Guardian had relayed to him. 

It had been perhaps the strangest experience that Sass had encountered with a human, although he didn’t have that many to rely on. The young man continued to stare at Sass, and in all his infinite patience, Sass floated in place, and entered a meditative pose above the box he had just come out of.  From the little he knew of humans, they were often slow, narrow-minded creatures who needed more patience than most kwamis were willing to give. 

However, despite the strangeness of it all, Sass felt a warm kinship with the still man in front of him. 

Sass was unsure of how long it had taken for Alfred to be shaken out of his stupor, but he soon closed the box carefully and addressed him. 

“Hello. You’re the friend Mr. Fu told me of?” He asked hesitantly. 

“Yesss,” Sass nodded. “Master Fu is the current Guardian of the Miraculous. You must be someone special for him to entrust you with me, and me with you.” 

Alfred nodded slightly. “Yes, he mentioned that you would help me in my times of need.” 

“That is correct.” 

Sass watched as the young man bit his lip in thought and lightly traced over the marks on the box. “Sass, was it?” 

“Yesss.” 

“...I am Alfred Pennyworth.” 

“I am aware.” 

He looked up from the box and lightly cupped Sass in his hands. Alfred’s eyes squinted at him, his eyes roaming over his tiny form suspiciously. Sass stayed still for him, not feeling uncomfortable at the human’s scrutiny. Humans were suspicious of the unknown, Sass decided. They were wary even when there was evidence to say otherwise. 

When Alfred seemed satisfied, he spoke again. “Why would Mr. Fu give me a tiny snake?” 

Sass frowned. “I may be tiny, human, but I am powerful. With the bracelet you hold in that box, you will be able to turn back time for an unlimited amount of times within an allotted 5 minutes after the first reset. With my help, you are able to directly change events around you as they happen, for as much as you wish.” 

The young man’s eyes widened and gulped; Sass was unable to determine if it was out of terror or fascination. 

“Why would he entrust me with such a power?” 

“The Guardian’s mind works in mysterious ways. Perhaps, he wanted to give you a chance to see in yourself, what he saw in you.” 

His breath hitched, and he gulped again. “And what if I don’t like what I see?” 

Sass floated upwards to meet Alfred’s eyes. Yellow eyes met dark brown as he spoke. “That will all depend on you.” 

For the next few months, Sass watched as Alfred Pennyworth trained with his fellow soldiers as part of the Achnacarry in Scotland and eventually recruited to the No. 47 (Royal Marine) Commando based in Dorchester once the new year came. It had been the longest that Sass had interacted with any of his holders. He took to hiding in the pockets of Alfred’s uniform, although he often wished he had another place to hide when Alfred and the other humans were training with ringing, deafening gunshots,  the thundering footsteps of a hundred men caused tremors within the soil, and the hoarse shouts and screams of soldiers in a stimulated battlefield. When the soldiers were off-duty, Sass liked the chatter as Alfred and the others conversed with one another, their different tones whether morose or jovial, since it helped him drift off to sleep in Alfred’s warm pocket. 

In what little downtime that they had, Alfred liked to ask Sass questions about the Miraculous, what they did, their purpose in the world, the limits of his own Miraculous, and always, why he was chosen to bear such a great responsibility. Sass always told him what he could (although being inactive for so long left him little knowledge of other holders), and always repeated what he had told Alfred the first day they met. Sass liked being with Alfred. He was intelligent, curious, logical, and sensitive to information. Despite the grim circumstances that surrounded their partnership, he was glad that Master Fu had chosen Alfred Pennyworth.

It had been nearly a year since Sass and Alfred met when the No. 47 Commando received their first operation on June 6, 1944. Alfred often told him stories at night of his family, his home, and his surroundings. The night before as they were preparing for battle, Alfred had shared his worries with his fellow soldiers and Sass. It would be the first time they would be in a real battle, outside of Achnacarry or Dorchester. As the Commando arrived at the battlefield the day after, all the soldiers were crammed onto a ship. It had only taken a few hours to arrive at the outskirts of where they needed to be. Only a few miles from the shore, and already the sounds of battle rang throughout the ships, and the soldiers prepared to join in. Some would join as soon as the ship hit shore while others would stay behind to make sure that their ship didn’t sink and attack the opposing army from the water. Alfred was one of the soldiers that would be fighting the moment they hit shore, so he made sure to find an empty space to transform. Sass found himself and Alfred cramped near the ship’s engine, where Alfred was already fiddling with the Snake Miraculous. 

“I won’t look like a circus act when I transform, will I, Sass?” 

Sass shook his head. “No. Make sure to imagine yourself as you are, and the Miraculous will conform to your desires. You might find that your clothes will feel scaly as a side effect. Either way, your clothes will protect you from most impacts, although I’m not sure about bullets.” 

Alfred smiled. “I see. Will I be able to talk to you when I’m transformed?” 

“No.”  Alfred’s eyes widened. “Fear not. I will still be with you, as a part of you, but we will not be able to interact as we are now nor will I be conscious when you are transformed.”

Alfred took a shaky breath. “Alright. Thank you, Sass. Anything else I need to know?” 

“Use it wisely. Seeing that many possibilities will take a toll on you. You will most likely witness one moment in time in different ways. Others may not remember the other timelines, but you will. Do not forget that.” 

Alfred gave a curt nod. “This is it, then?” 

“Yessss, I wish you luck, Alfred.” 

“As do I,” he chuckled. “Sass, scales slither.” 

As Alfred called out the last words, Sass faded into unconsciousness. He had faith in Alfred, and hoped he would work well with the Snake. 

______________________________________________________________________________

When Alfred de-transformed, Sass noticed the light in his eyes and the way he clutched tightly onto two soldiers a few years older than him. The battle was over for now, Sass mused, so Alfred must be relieved that he was safe and alive. Later in the safety of his barrack, Alfred recounted the battle in hushed whispers, how many times he went back to save just one more life (“To think, who might’ve remained dead if you were not with me,” he said, rubbing Sass’ head affectionately with his finger), or to take one more shot he missed the first time. Sass asked him the precise number of times that he went back in time during those allotted 5 minutes that he had used “Second Chance.” Sass asked him who he had saved, how, and whose lives were lost in return. Alfred answers both questions enthusiastically with a significant amount of detail, that Sass allowed himself to feel content. Alfred had saved lives, had done his part for his country.

Sass was proud of his snakelet. 

As time went on, battles were waged and the war raged on all over Europe. Sass didn’t understand human battles, but he made sure to stay by Alfred’s side for all of it. 

It was about half a year in that Sass noticed the changes that Alfred is going through. Like every soldier, he is marred with scars, had a more gaunt, more sickly frame that came from eating smaller rations and sleeping less, and dark circles under his eyes that emphasized how haunted he was. Yet, Sass noticed that Alfred was overextending himself. In every offense, Alfred volunteered to be in the frontlines. In every battle, he took the time to transform, which meant Sass was also often exhausted after every battle and struggled to eat the already miniscule portions Alfred spared from his rations. After every battle, Alfred was jumpy, going from soldier to soldier and striking up conversation whenever he could, visiting the infirmary and muttering apologies to the wounded soldiers. It took Sass a while to realize that the former had been people he had saved, and the latter were the people that he couldn’t or those that he almost hadn’t.

Nights were always the worst. In the daytime with the rush and hustle of war battles, there was not a lot of time for Alfred to do anything but act and fight, especially when he transformed with Sass. But at night, when there was a semblance of silence in his own corner of the barracks, Sass comforted Alfred through the tears, the nightmares, the bloodshed, and other horrors he witnessed. When Sass couldn’t comfort him, Alfred retreated to the arms of Leo Dupain, a soldier a few years older who knew of Alfred’s real age, and the person who Alfred recounted saving the most during his resets. He had sandy brown hair, olive green eyes, a square-like jaw with a hooked nose that looked like it had been broken at least once. Sass listened to their hushed promises of returning to the motherland and settling down somewhere in the countryside far away from the influences of war and its politics. Sass watched as both Alfred and Leo drifted to sleep, holding each other like they were each other’s only anchor to the physical realm. Sass watched as Alfred woke a half hour before the crack of dawn to visit the infirmary before beginning his training, never looking back. Each time, Sass noticed that Leo searched for warmth that had previously been there.

Sass knew that witnessing all of Time’s possibilities was a heavy burden for anyone, much less a child. Alfred related to him about comrades who had died from gunshots, from being trampled on, or thrown overboard. If not them, it was the patients in the infirmary, the ones who had fallen trap to insanity or those who had lost a part of their physical bodies forever. Alfred was inconsolable. By December of 1944, Alfred had anxiety, insomnia, and an unhealthy attachment to the Snake Miraculous.

During that time, Sass tried to teach Alfred how to be more responsible with the Snake’s power, how to use each return more efficiently, and especially, how Alfred didn’t need to use the Miraculous for every injury that his comrades endured. Sass had relayed stories of other Miraculous heros: Heracles, Hippolyta, Joan of Arc, others unrecorded in history who had struggled to learn the same lesson: that Alfred was not a god and he couldn’t save everyone. 

But war was brutal and without mercy, especially to those with kind hearts.

Everything came to a head when Alfred failed to save Leo Dupain before he could reset. Sass was thrown onto the ground as the transformation wore off, gunshots blazing in the background as Alfred’s screams pierced his tiny ears. Sass slowly shuffled to Alfred’s side, and climbed into a nearby pocket.

“Leo, Leo!” Alfred cried, grabbing the heavy body of Leo Dupain, whose leg had been blown off by a nearby explosive. Blood spilled forth from the wound, and Leo breathed in shallow gasps, as his body became limp. Alfred was soon covered in his blood and from the dust and dirt around them. Frantically, he tried to find spare cloth but was futile in his efforts. Sass could feel the tremors from Alfred’s body as he held onto Leo Dupain like a lifeline. Other soldiers had heard his cries and clambered to them, grabbing Alfred forcefully out of Leo’s arms and into safety,

“He needs me! Stop! I need to save him!”

“Leg’s been blasted off, can’t do much for ‘im now but fight,” a soldier- Gabriel Ackles- muttered. He had been one of the soldiers Alfred saved a week earlier from a headshot.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” Alfred ranted hysterically. “I was supposed to save him; he wasn’t supposed to get hurt. He’s going to die…”

SLAP

Alfred stood stunned as Gabriel stood before him, red-faced and fuming.

“We are in battle, soldier! Get it together! You wanna help Dupain, Pennyworth?!” Gabriel didn’t wait for an answer before shoving a long gun of sorts into Alred’s hands. “You go out there and drag every Nazi motherfucker to hell or die trying! You got it, soldier?!” 

Sass watched as Alfred’s eyes dimmed into a stormy grey and stared at the gun in his hands. A second passed and with trembling hands, Alfred was marching back onto the battlefield, gun ablaze. Sass tried hard as he could to use whatever remaining energy he had to protect Alfred, but the amount of resets during Alfred’s transformation had exhausted him and he fell unconscious to the sounds of war.

When Sass regained consciousness, it was to Master Fu’s face. A chill ran down his spine as he fluttered around frantically searching for Alfred. They were in an empty room that only had a few books, two futons and the Miracle Box. There were two double doors that separated their room from the outside world and another, smaller door that led to the rest of the building. 

Where were they? Why was he here? More importantly, where was Alfred?

“Do not bother, Sass,” Master Fu said in a tone more morose than he had ever heard. “Mr. Pennyworth has returned you to me. It has been several months since you were inactive.”

Sass deflated and floated down to the ground beneath him. “Where is he now, Master?”

“I am unsure.” Master Fu looked out of the large double doors. “I am afraid that I have placed too many expectations on young Alfred. When he helped us escape London, I had given you to him as a token of gratitude and friendship.”

“Master?”

Master Fu sighed and turned back to look at Sass with teary eyes. “I could not have foreseen that I had cursed more than blessed him, Sass. He had refused to give you back at first, and it was only yesterday, a month since I last saw him, that you had returned to us.”

Sass couldn’t speak. He had really liked Alfred Pennyworth. He was a good man- one of the best. But, even he couldn’t deny the madness he had endured during his time as one of his snakelets. If kwami had hearts, Sass knew it would be obliterated by the news.

“I see, Master,” was all Sass said before Master Fu renounced him and his Miraculous.

Present day

“And that was the last I heard of Alfred Pennyworth. The next time I appeared in this realm, it was to Luka Couffaine.”

Marinette wiped away a few tears that had sprung up during Sass’ story.

“Do you think he would have anything to do with the Miraculous after all he’d been through, Sass?”

Sass bowed his head and closed his eyes. “Perhaps. He had many questions I could not answer. I am not sure if his trauma overrode his curiosity. I know he had been planning on studying the Miraculous more before Leo Dupain had died.”

Marinette played with her hands as she mulled over Sass’ response. Something about his story caught her attention.

“Leo Dupain? As in my granduncle, Leo Dupain?” 

Sass blinked, yellow eyes trained on her. “Perhaps.” 

“If they're the same person, then he’s still around,” Marinette mused, thinking of the one-legged elder from her early childhood that made her laugh with his silly jokes and warm cuddles. “I never really kept up with him since my grandfather kept us away from Papa’s side of the family. He was funny, though.”

Marinette entered a silent trance, going over all the new information she had received so far, while the kwamis waited with bated breaths. Alfred Pennyworth had deeper ties with her than she had previously thought. In another world, he would’ve been another distant granduncle. However, would she risk going to him in this world when the Miraculous had already scarred him so deeply? But what if he didn’t know about her granduncle? What if he spurned her away despite that? What if he didn’t? What had Master Fu seen in Alfred Pennyworth that he had practically given away one of the Miraculous to his care? How would she explain everything that had happened since their last argument?

What other choices did Marinette really have?

“Marinette?” Tikki asked, the only kwami comfortable enough to break her train of thought.

She sighed, not liking her decision one bit, but she was desperate, and in some ways, this would be beneficial for both Alfred Pennyworth and her.

“Looks like we’re going to Gotham City.”

______________________________________________________________

I really am sorry it's taking more than five chapters for them to actually get to Gotham, by the way. I know most fics will usually have them there by the first chapter. I just like having a lot of build up for the plot and future subplots, so please bear with me!

[alienspawnwrites]

Laying Hands: Chapter 14

Read on AO3

Training Resumes

They’d sat in companionable silence for a while before Althea excused herself, cradling the plant in her hands like so much precious gold. Loki smiled slightly behind her, proud of the effect of his gesture. She was easily won over, something he’d be happy to take advantage of in the future.

Once she’d departed, Loki was left alone with his thoughts. The light of the late evening was fading quickly, a reflection of his own darkening mood.

He was acting like a fool. Bending to the whims of a mortal, degrading himself in order to placate her. Why? He hadn’t intended to apologize so blatantly. Her anger had been surprising, but not entirely unexpected. Just about everyone quickly tired of him, and after centuries it no longer affected him. He knew the security of detachment, the protection provided by closing himself off and resisting the weak-willed inclination towards companionship. It was a tough lesson learned over so many lonesome, secluded years.

But he’d forgotten it all at the sight of the tears in her eyes, at her walking away from him. In that moment he would have said anything to alleviate the pain he’d caused her, and he had. She’d manipulated him once again. Even if it wasn’t purposeful, it was unacceptable. If anything, the fact that she held such a power over him unwittingly only made it all the more frustrating.  

He was growing attached. The admission stung. He was no better than his idiot brother, fawning over his little human pet. There was no happy ending for Thor at the end of that road, nor Loki if he continued following the same path.

It could go no further. He’d already made too many allowances, he could not afford her to weaken him anymore. It’d best to avoid her entirely, but they’d come too far for that now. Even if they hadn’t, Loki knew he would not be able to stay away. He would have to find a balance between the two, between losing himself and losing her. It was like a tightrope walk, he knew, but Loki was no stranger to walking the fine line.

With resolution came peace, and he allowed the night to envelop him.

——————————————————————————————————————————

Althea worried at her lip, absorbing Tony’s message. It’d been vague at best, and JARVIS’s perpetually even tone hadn’t provided any more information. A brief mention of issues with the Quinjet, a curious hint that Dr. Banner had been the cause, all to say that their return would be delayed. JARVIS, and by extension Tony, had assured her that everyone was fine, but worry enveloped her regardless. She’d grown used to some or all of the team heading out for a few days at a time, but it’d been almost a week.

“Is the thought of spending a few more days alone with me really so upsetting?”  Loki’s eyed her now swollen lower lip, the thin skin raw and red from her nervous working.

“They’ve just gone a long time. I’m just worried about them, that’s all,” she countered.

“A sweet sentiment, but entirely unnecessary, I’m sure.”

They sat across from each other on either side of the small table in the kitchen, Althea’s forgotten breakfast rapidly cooling on the tabletop between them. She hadn’t bothered to change out of the sweats she’d woken up in, her scruffy appearance highlighted by Loki’s usual flawless suiting. He appeared completely nonplussed by the update, regarding her coolly as he sipped his cup of tea.

Something between them had changed last night, Althea was sure of it, though neither of them made any move to acknowledge it. Truthfully she was uncomfortable with the idea of spending even longer alone with Loki, though not for the same reasons she might have listed even yesterday. She’d gotten her apology, her anger had been sated, but the curious tightness in her chest remained. It only intensified under his piercing gaze and she found herself fidgeting, her lip darting back between her teeth.

After a beat, he drained his cup and stood, gesturing for her to do the same. “Follow me,” he said flatly and made to leave the room.

The order set Althea scrambling, tossing her plate hurriedly into the sink as she rushed to keep up with him. She frowned slightly at her own eagerness to obey.

“Where are we going?”, she asked, shuffling into step beside him. She cast a worried look down at herself. She wasn’t dressed for another trip outside. Maybe Loki would let her stop at her room first for a change of clothes.

“We’re going to the training room.” Arriving at the elevator doors, he pressed the call button, sparing her a sideways glance as she sputtered beside him.

“What?”, she finally managed.

“You need a distraction. And I’m bored,” he explained flatly, as if the idea of the two of them facing off was not a ridiculous notion. “Besides, you’ve been neglecting your training in Natasha’s absence. You’re not going to improve if you keep slacking off.”

The truth of his statement silenced her protests. He was right. She scolded herself for being so lazy. Everyone else was gone doing important work and she’d been doing nothing with herself. She hung her head in shame as she stepped into the elevator behind him.

Loki strode confidently into the training room, a familiar green shimmer washing over him as he stepped through the threshold. His suit was gone, replaced by the striking green and black leather armor he’d worn for his bout with Thor. She examined it in the harsh lighting of the room. Like everything she’d seen him wear, it was impeccably tailored to his lithe frame; tight, but not restrictive. Every piece was intricate in design with complex stitching and small gold detailing adding infrequent breaks to the swaths of dark material. His cape swished behind him, adding drama to every movement. On anyone else, the outfit would have looked utterly preposterous. On Loki, it looked completely natural. Althea allowed herself to wonder what he would look like in basic sweats like her own, fighting the urge to chuckle at the mental image.

The stopped in the middle of the room. Here in the open, with the intimidatingly dressed god before her, Althea’s nerves started to catch up with her, outweighing her guilt. A shudder ran through her as she recalled watching Thor spar shortly after arriving at the tower. She’d never seen Loki fight, but if he could give his brother a run for his money, she was entirely out of her depth.

“Nat usually starts me off with a few laps,” she offered, trying to put off the inevitable for as long as possible.

“I thought we’d try something a little more interesting,” he countered. Another ripple of verdant light and he produced two long staves. He held one out to her. She eyed it apprehensively before reaching out and taking it.

“You didn’t have to drag me down here if you just wanted to kick my ass,” she joked nervously, eyeing the basic weaponry.

Loki laughed, clocking her anxiety. “I’m not going to fight you. That would hardly be fair. No, I want you to attack me, show me what you’re capable of. I won’t do anything offensive, I promise.”

She eyed the stave dubiously, turning it over and giving it a small, testing swing. It was heavier than it looked, it’s length unwieldy and awkward in her inexperienced hands. “I’ve never used a weapon before. Nat and I are still working on hand-to-hand combat.”

He grasped her hands delicately, rearranging her grip so the pole was better balanced. She tried to focus on the placement, pushing aside the way her head swam as his cool fingers grazed her own.

“It’s simple, once you understand the basic principles,” he told her, stepping away quickly and observing her stance. “Let’s start with your footing.”

Loki walked her through how to properly wield the stave, showing her simple strikes and movements. Althea found herself liking the long weapon, feeling powerful and she swung it through the air. He corrected her form patiently, only moving on to another move when she could execute the previous one confidently.

After about an hour he’d taught her a handful of strikes and blocks and decided to move on to practicing them on a target. She looked around, prepared to move over to the line of punching bags along the wall, but Loki stopped her.

“Try the first combination on me.”

Her eyes flitted between the weapon in her hands and Loki and swallowed nervously. Rationally she knew she wouldn’t, couldn’t hurt him. She was weak and inexperienced and he was Asgardian, a god. Still, the thought of striking at him made her pause. “I don’t want to hit you, Loki. There’s equipment for this sort of thing, can’t we just use that?”, she pleaded.

“You’re not going to be set upon by punching bags or rubber dummies,” he reasoned. “You need to practice with something more realistic. Now come on, you’re wasting time.”

She could hardly argue with his logic. She planted her feet just as he’d shown her a took a steadying breath. She moved through the actions slowly, methodically. Forward strike, up, down, right, left. He stood unmoving, allowing the stave to bounce off of him harmlessly with each movement. She finished, holding the last stance, waiting for his reaction.

“Really?” He looked at her, disappointed. “Slow. Sloppy. Again, faster this time.”

She did just as he instructed, allowing the momentum of each swing to carry her into the next beat. She tried to focus on her hands, trusting the pole to hit it’s target as she snapped them into each position, letting out a quick exhale each time she swung. Just as before he stood unaffected by the assault.

“Adequate, but you’re putting too much thought into your strikes. Technique is worthless if there’s no power behind it.”

Althea lunged again. Again, Loki remained still, allowing her blows to land.

“I told you to put power behind it. Why are you still holding back? A child could block those strikes.”

She huffed, leaning against the stave. “I don’t know what you expect from me, Loki.”

“I expect you to try harder. You’ve been used, beaten and broken, stolen and locked away. You’re still being held in a cage. Where is your anger? Where is your fight?”

She looked at him, gobsmacked. She was angry, wasn’t she? The emotion was still foreign to her, hard to imagine. Irritation, frustration; those feelings were at least familiar to her, though still difficult to express. He was asking for something more, telling her to dig deep inside and let out the rage he seemed to believe she was holding back. She didn’t know if it even existed, let alone how to access it. “I’m doing everything I can,” she said defeatedly.

He eyed her curiously, his eyes narrowed. “I don’t believe that.”

Her teeth gritted together painfully. What more could she do? She was new to fighting, new to conflict in general. How could he expect more from her? She struck out at him, trying to hit him as hard as possible. With each strike her hands snapped painfully against her side, leaving bruises that vanished as quickly as they appeared, the practiced breaths he’d taught her dissolving into ragged, rushed pants. He swatted her stave away each time with a single hand, looking bored.

“Is that really everything you have? You mortals are truly pathetic. A planet of insignificant pests, staving off annihilation with mutations and crude toys.”

She was panting from the effort, tired arms hanging limp. “I know what you’re trying to do Loki.”

“Do you know how intolerable it is, wasting away day in and day out in your miserable presence; having no choice but to degrade myself with your company. Stooping so low as to apologize, just to placate you? Do you really think we’re friends? Do you imagine I would debase myself enough to feel anything more than reluctant tolerance for you?”

“Loki, stop. Please,” Althea quietly pleaded. He was trying to get a rise out of her, trying to get under her skin and unleash her rage. She knew it was an act, but tears began to gather despite her best efforts. She didn’t want him to see how the undercurrent of truth behind his words wounded her, dashing a hope she hadn’t realized she’d been harboring.

He continued, relentless. “I am a god. I am a prince of Asgard, born to rule over the likes of you and the rest of this miserable, forsaken planet. You’re nothing. Another insignificant mutation masquerading as something more than you could ever hope to be. Trying to play hero… and failing. And why? Because you managed followed them here like a stray dog?”

Althea was shaking, her eyes screwed shut as if blocking him from view would deafen his verbal attack. Her fists were clenched so tightly the knuckles were white as she fought the urge to give in to his provocation, the stave lying abandoned at her feet.

“Those fools should have left you in that lab, let them cut you open until someone figured out a use for you.”

It was too much. The last fragile thread holding Althea’s composure together snapped.

“STOP IT!” Her scream released something deep within her, a force bursting forth from deep within her chest. It exploded outward, ripping through her like a shock wave. She staggered in its wake, suddenly exhausted. Panting, she pried open her eyes.

Loki still stood before her intact, finally silent. His posture was rigid, bewilderment written across his face mixed with something else. Althea recognized it as pain. His hand rose to his neck in a testing touch.

“Loki?” His name came out as a breathless whisper.

He opened his mouth as if to speak, but no words came out. Instead, dark red blood fell spilled from his lips. He took a step towards her but faltered, falling to his knees.

“Loki!” Althea rushed towards him. “No, no, no. What have I done?”, she cried, falling to her knees beside him. Her hands hovered around him shakily as she looked him up and down, looking for any sign of injury and finding none. Loki’s eyes were wide as panic replaced his confusion. With dismay, Althea realized he couldn’t breathe. Her hand flew to his throat, joining his own where it now clawed at his skin.

Time slowed as Althea met Loki’s gaze. Nothing was happening. “Please,” she begged as fresh tears began to well in her eyes. His skin was beginning to turn a sickly purple, his eyes bloodshot as he struggled against the lack of air. The seconds stretched on for an eternity as she watched him struggle, begging whatever power or magic resided inside her to heal him. She’d never had to consciously call forth her ability, it had always just happened on its own. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to.” She closed her eyes and allowed the tears to fall freely.

Loki’s raged gasp was the most beautiful sound Althea had ever heard. She opened her eyes and watched his chest rise and fall as he gulped in much-needed air.

Althea managed a sigh of relief before the pain overtook her.

It was excruciating. Mirroring Loki, he grabbed at her throat, desperate for relief. Reflexively, she tried to cry out but only succeeded in sputtering a mouthful of blood. Her windpipe was crushed, preventing any air from reaching her burning lungs. After a few agonizing moments, she felt her healing begin to take effect, the cartilage slowly returning to its former shape until she was able to suck in a breath.

She looked up, her breath still labored, to see Loki looking at her with wide eyes. His expression was a mix of terror and wonder, as if she’d opened up the ground between them in an attempt to swallow him whole. “How did you do that?” It was as much an accusation as it was a question.

“I don’t... I didn’t...” Althea couldn’t find the words to respond. Whatever had just happened, whatever she had just done, was too much. She felt raw and unstable, thrown by the pulse of power still echoing through her. Her throat was completely healed, but she still struggled to breathe. She had to get away; away from this place, away from Loki and the pain she’d caused him. Her legs threatened to give way as she stood, swaying dangerously on the spot.

Exhaustion rose to meet her panic, a debilitating mixture that seemed intent on robbing her of her facilities. Loki made a move as if to steady her, but she backed away from his touch, terrified she might somehow hurt him again. Darkness began to creep into the edges of vision, blurring Loki’s face, obscuring his expression. She tried in vain to shake it away. “I’m sorry,” was all she managed before the inky black of unconsciousness overtook her.

[scripttorture]

Hi, lovely to send an ask to your blog. I have a character who's been kidnapped and kept in a cell for an unspecified amount of time. The cell is the size of a spacious room, with a mattress, sink, and toilet, the victim has access to move about as he pleases. The abductor kept my victim well fed, didn't physically harm him unless he had to (ie. Victim tries to escape, attack, bite back with words), he wanted him in good shape. (A)

(B)Whenever my victim acted up, other than sometimes having tophysically restrain him (roughs him up in a corner and leaves), hepunishes him by turning the electricity off, leaving the victim inpitch darkness and icy weather, and with no sound source but his ownbreath. Regularly, the abductor comes at least once everyday (or asoften as five days a week), sits with the victim for a few hours, andeither talks about his life, tries (and fails, at the time) to softenvictim's heart...(E),...left him food and left. Either until he got bored, or when victimcracked and broke down begging for any stimulation and company. Themental breakdowns increased in intensity when the victim lost accessto the TV, he'd unconsciously hurt himself, cry and scream until hepassed out, refuse to eat or move from his spot in fear of themonsters lurking in the pitch blackness in the room, and will justsit stuck listening to his violent hallucinations until the abductorput mercy on him.(F)At the end of the abduction time, Victim starts to show new symptoms,he rather becomes"animalistic" in someway, he loses(forgets temporarily) the ability to put words together, so hesnarls, whimpers, acts physically his needs, becomes very aggressiveand uncooperative, lost a drastic amount of weight, refusing food,tried on multiple occasions to hurt himself for the sake of feelinganything but the emptiness of his cell, and in a psychotic outburst,destroys the TV, and...(G)(oh man I forgot where I left off... please bear with me if I mistookthe paging) He spent the next few days mourning the TV, missing thecharacters he used to obsessed over as much as the family he slowlystarted to lose memories of. It was a pitiful sight. Since thebeginning of the abduction period, the abductor has been feedingVictim lies, from the reason he kidnapped him (preserve his amazingabilities, keep him safe from others who were after his skills, noone appreciated his...(H)His skills as much as he did, and it was obvious b***) but the damagecame when he gradually convinced him his family didn't care, that'swhy he was trapped for so long. And victim was convinced his familyloved him above all else, but as time passed and hallucinationsbegan, he lost that conviction, not at all helped by abductor'sconstant false reassurance. Abductor also lied about the time frame,coming down with cake to celebrate their one year anniversary whenit's been a few months.  (I) Little did victim know, his family werekilled the night of his kidnapping. Finally, at the last day, or afew days after he lost the TV, abductor has moved the broken pieces,only to miss one screen glass shard that victim hid under hismattress. And it happened as victim tried to stab his abductor, inself defense, the abductor threw the victim off, and his head hit thesink. Cue panic stricken abductor, not thinking straight with theamount of blood, and wrapping the victim up...(J)... wrapping him up and throwing him in an alley across the citybefore fleeing the country. Now my biggest dilemma lies in twothings! One: I need him to have amnesia for plot related reasons,very important, but I'm afraid that will make all of what he wentthrough redundant, so the list of after effects I made him have is..Severe anxiety, depression, anger management issues, avoidance ofdark places (full blown panic attacks if forced into an sort of darkroom)… K) Vague, abstract night terrors, extreme loneliness even inthe company of friends, and fear of neglect. He has a few namelesstriggers, any show on TV like the shows he used to watch, not feelingclean, showering more than once a day as he lost that privilegehaving to use the sink to clean up, horror movies for all thereasons. Two: how does the state (any) and hospital actually dealwith this situation, I realize this is out of your expertisepossibly, but I'd appreciate a nudge… (M) A new cycle of abusebegins between him and his boss, manager and unit mates, but I'llleave that for another ask ^^; This got so long, I'm sorry, but I'dlike your criticism and input on my story so far, it actually takesup two other victims of abuse and my MCs road to recovery. I'm veryadamant on making this right. Thank you!!

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This is a follow up to a previous ask. Honestly- I’m still finding the question a little confusing. I’ll answer to the best of my ability but I may well have misinterpreted it.

 That said- I think you need to do a lot of reading and completely rewrite your story if you really do want to make this realistic and respectful. At the moment I think it’s a very long way off.

 I think I said that last time so this time I’m going to be blunt. I do not think you are ready to write torture.

 Firstly, specify the amount of time this character is held. Decide. Don’t keep things vague in the hope that it’ll seem more realistic.

 You don’t have to tell your readers the detail of how long your character is held or every detail of what happens to him but if you don’t know then you can’t work to show the effects realistically.

 I can’t decide what your plot should be for you. And if you’re unwilling to define what you’re putting your character through and for how long I can’t give a reasonable estimate of how likely he is to survive.

 Memory loss in torture scenarios does not work in the way you’re describing. That kind of ‘amnesia’ and losing old, established memories of family members does not happen. Not without significant, disabling brain injury that effects other things like being able to move and breath.

 If you want to know what memory loss in torture survivors is like I have a post here that covers it.

 Torture survivors do not regress into some sort of savage ‘animalistic’ state. They do not forget how to speak.

 Frankly I think these kinds of unrealistic tropes are incredibly insulting to survivors.

 It’s saying that torture has ‘made’ the survivor dangerous and unreasonable. Those are exactly the kinds of arguments people use to stop survivors getting treatment in real life. Don’t add to that.

 Hallucinations in solitary are not common.

 They become more likely if a person is held for a long time (over a month), but since you are not giving me a time frame I can’t say whether this is likely or not.

 If the character is held long enough that hallucinations and a psychotic break become likely then- given the conditions you’ve described, the character is likely to die from cold, starvation or disease before the captor dumps them outside.

 People can die from the cold very very quickly. If the character is repeatedly subjected to freezing temperatures for a long time then they are probably going to die of hypothermia.

 Additionally the phrasing throughout this sounds as though it’s taking the abuser’s ‘side’ over the victim’s.

 No one ever ‘has’ to abuse anyone else. It is never necessary.

 On a related note- I think you’re severely underestimating the damage caused by beating. It is very easy to beat a person to death. The way I’m interpreting the question it sounds like the abuser beats the victim when he tries to escape. It sounds like the abuser beats the victim until he stops moving every time this happens.

 There isn’t much difference between beating someone unconscious and beating them to death. If the character is regularly being hit until he passes out then he probably wouldn’t live for more then two weeks.

 Which is not long enough for the extreme effects of solitary confinement you’re describing.

 I think this scenario is a very strange mix of treating people as too resilient and too fragile. The physical abuses you’re describing seem really like to kill the character. At the same time the mental health issues you’re describing are completely unrealistic and-

 Well honestly? As a mentally ill person I think this depiction of mental illness is insulting. It is degrading. It shows no understanding of mental illness and no compassion for people who are mentally ill.

 I struggle to speak sometimes because of my mental illness. It does not make me an animal. It does not mean I can not think. And it certainly doesn’t mean I can’t describe what I was going through when that moment has passed.

 The list of ‘severe’ symptoms you’ve given isn’t what you’re actually describing the character having. Your description does not sound like mood swings, anxiety and depression with a few triggers.

 If you were writing these symptoms accurately I would tell you that your list is not enough. If I was just relying on that list I would suggest more symptoms and writing them to a greater severity.

 But I can’t just rely on the list. Because your description of the character’s mental state and what he goes through contradicts your list. Which suggests to me that you either haven’t decided what symptoms the character should have or you don’t understand what mental health problems are like.

 I do not think you are ready to write mental illness.

 I could go into more detail. But I don’t think it’s going to benefit either of us if I go through this and tell you why every single detail here is wrong.

 My job here is not to write your story for you. And it isn’t to make moral decisions for you either.

 If you are serious about writing torture or abuse respectfully then for now you need to stop writing. Instead I need you to do some reading. Because if you want to do this ‘right’ then you need to gain an understanding of what torture is, what it does to people and how they cope with it afterwards.

 So I’m going to give you a reading list. I think you should read each of these books carefully.

 Why Torture Doesn’t Work by S O’Mara

The Question by H Alleg (if English isn’t your first languages this is available in other languages, pick the one you’re most comfortable with)

A Darkling Plain by K R Monroe

A Sourcebook on Solitary Confinement by S Shalev

To the Kwai and Back by R Searle

 I think you should also read Black Jacobins by C L R James.

 Take your time. Make notes.

 When you’ve done that I think you should go to Amnesty International’s website and look at their recent interviews with torture survivors. Pick two or three large studies. Read detailed accounts from at least fifteen different people.

 Then I think you should come back to the story and completely rewrite it based on what you’ve learnt.

 I am not saying that you should never write torture. But it’s obvious from the plot and characters you’ve proposed that you don’t know enough to write it well yet. Take the time to gain that understanding before you write. You will write a better story for it.

 If you don’t want to do the research don’t write about torture.

 It’s a difficult topic to engage with. If you try and fail then that isn’t your fault. Reading about torture is upsetting. Not every one can deal with it in depth. That isn’t anyone’s fault or failing.

 But if you can’t cope with reading about the reality, if you can’t educate yourself, then you can’t speak on behalf of torture survivors.

 If you can’t listen to them then you simply don’t know enough to tell their stories.

Availableon Wordpress.

Disclaimer

[self-critical-automaton]

Whats Been Going On With Me Lately

So basicly the TLDR is:

I’ve been super ill in weird and new brain ways since about mid-december, when withdrawal from my antidepressants resulted in strange intense psychological events, and I’ve been dealing with the fallout and day-to-day distress ever since. I’m terrified that i might have suffered permanent alterations/damage to my mental state, but who can say.

Details under the cut for anyone who wants to know how ive been doing, or wants to hear about what happens when you quit a high dose of fluoxetine cold turkey after five or six years.

Or for anyone who is going through something similar and wants some info/hope, since withdrawal experiences seem to be super idiosyncratic and variable and its almost impossible to find detailed descriptions.

I’d really appreciate it being read, esp. by people in my life, but dont feel compelled or whatever idk i dont make the rules but srsly please read it if you can it took a lot of time and effort

PS: this and several other articles on that blog were a huge help to me getting through the first couple phases, if you’re having trouble with withdrawal please go read PPS: fine to reblog, in fact please do

In 2017 I started getting painful physical side effects from my antidepressants, which gradually got worse until in lateish-2018 I decided to stop taking them outright. Everyone ever says you shouldn’t quit antidepressants cold-turkey, and they are right, but I’d been taking them inconsistently due to the pain, and I was beginning to suspect they’d stopped helping me anyway, so it seemed the best option.

I quit in probably mid-October and for a couple months felt much the same as usual, but then around the 13th of December it all kicked off. At first I had no idea what was happening, and I thought I was suffering a sudden and intense flu coinciding with a bad depressive spike, but after a couple days I figured out that withdrawal can be offset by weeks or months in rare cases, and decided this is what must be happening. That first round of Withdrawal Time had a few soft-edged but distinct phases (lasting about a week each), and I went through by far the worst experience in my entire life, closely followed by the second-worst and then third-worst.

Round One Start! Phase One: intense existential dread

It kicked of very suddenly, around the 13th december, getting rapidly worse over a couple days. I was paralysed with fear as my mind sunk into thinking in infinite circles, unable to do anything other but endlessly contemplate and debate morbid philosophical topics, forced to confront the inevitability of death, emptiness of life, terror of oblivion, impossibility of afterlife, and so on. I also suffered sensory experiences similar to those ive heard described by people who take drugs like LSD, or very severe fever dreams. Sensations of expanded perception, becoming trapped in imaginary scenarios on other planes, that sort of thing.

In this phase I ate almost nothing, and over that week lost 4 or 5 kg. I also had some flu symptoms, mostly as fevers and chills, and could ony, really sleep in short bursts of a couple hours each. There was very little I could safely occupy myself with, as almost all media (books, games, film, fiction and nonfiction, everything really) would in some way trigger me into thinking about an existential topic, and then the terror would resume. I spent what time I could working to fix the problems with my life that I had suddenly become aware of (my social isolation, my medial issues, my mental health, etc), so I made a lot of phone calls, doctor visits, and applied to some mental health counseling services. I also started looking for avenues to make friends and acquaintances online and in person, and did a lot of research on antidepressant withdrawal.

Towards the end of this phase, the dread got more manageable and began to ease off, and I found I could play simple puzzle games to help occupy myself during the day. Listening to certain podcasts also was a source of relief and distraction. However, things remained bad in the morning and evenings, and I ended up referring to these times as ‘morning hell’ and ‘evening hell’. Also, I began to keep a basic daily log of my symptoms.

Phase Two: generalized anxiety

As I segued into this phase, the existential dread mostly withdrew during the day, leaving instead a sense of severe generalized anxiety. I’ve had issues with anxiety in the past, but it’s always been event-related or social, so Generalized Anxiety Disorder style anxiety was an interesting addition to my mental health cocktail. I still suffered the existential dread, but primarily during the Morning and Evening Hells, and as occasional spikes during the day. Mostly, I felt like it was off to one side somewhere, and felt anxiety about thinking about existential topics.

I got little done, but was able to occupy myself with podcasts, housework, simple games, and (oddly enough) Star Trek: The Original Series. Almost anything else I tried would worsen the anxiety, and threaten to trigger existential dreads. During this time I started sleeping more normally, but also began waking every night with chest pains and leg pains, which of course caused a great deal of anxiety about heart issues and blood clots. I also began to feel like I had begun to ‘wake up’ after having sleepwalked through the past year or so.

Phase Three: misc badfeels and weird sensory effects

As phase 2 segued into this one, around christmas day, the anxiety started to recede during the day. I’d get a window of safety varying from half an hour to a few hours, usually starting in the early afternoon. I began to leave the house more, going for walks with my partner, which could occupy me safely during bad feeling times. During those windows, I often still felt bad, but it felt like a ‘normal’ bad, like depression and ennui, rather than the very active generalized anxiety or severe dread. I also began to be able to read again, and to play games more widely. I committed to attending some local social events (some board games/RPG things, and a support group) and mostly tried to get on with life. 

I was frequently quite sluggish and slow, and didn't usually get much work done, even napping occasionally. As my days improved, my nights worsened, with bad sleep and bad dreams. I would also have odd brief sensory effects, such as hallucinations and waking dreams. For the first time since withdrawal started, I began to worry that I was slipping backwards and getting worse again. Up until that point, I had felt like, as awful as I was feeling, there was a slow but consistent improvement.

By early January I was having inconsistent bouts of the existential stuff and the generalized anxiety in the day, but looking back probably not as intensely as in the earlier phases.

Phase Four: inconsistent rehash

Phase four was similar to phase three, except without the consistency that phase three had (at least earlier on) of ‘morning bad, day safe, evening bad’. It also lasted longer than the ‘about a week’ of previous phases. I had ups and downs of general bad feelings throughout the day, with occasional spikes or longer bouts of existential fear or generalized anxiety, and I developed an aversion to going to bed (as most mornings would feel worse than evenings). I usually slept badly, and I started waking up during what I’m pretty sure were sleep-panic-attacks an hour or so after going to sleep. Chest pains and so on were very common and worrying, so I talked to the doctor a lot and ended up on some cardio waiting lists.

I had some depressive episodes which felt very much like the kind of depressive episodes I’ve had over my life, and about the same topics, though more intensely. It was almost comforting, in a back-to-normal sort of way.

Frankly, this whole phase felt like a random jumble of previous phase symptoms and pre-withdrawl mental health stuff, almost like dimming lightbulbs on an old electrical system, fading in and out and going on and off randomly and unpredictably.

Towards the end of January, I had a bad bout of flu, but during that time I felt a lot better in mental health terms. I don’t know if this was due to the distraction of a big obvious ‘thing to survive’ or if it was a natural upswing as part of the arc of that phase. After I got over the flu, I had a couple days of existential stuff reasserting itself, and I was worried that it was a second bout of Phase One, but I stopped recording my log on the 5th of February, so it’s hard to recall anything past this.

Interstitial Period

I’m pretty sure that for most of February, I felt ‘back to normal’, and was feeling more-or-less how I had been before withdrawal kicked off. That said, my capacity to occupy myself has not really recovered. I’m occasionally able to play games or read, but I often have a bad sense of ennui. This may be my natural yearly Seasonal Affective Disorder, or a natural depressive episode (I have consistently if infrequently had times where I’m unable to occupy myself and suffer ennui, just as part of being a depressed person), but I’ve not had one this long before.

I have a strong fear that my cognition/way of being/mental state has been permanently altered by that first phase, that it in some way ‘opened my eyes’ and now I will never be able to go back to how I was. I’m scared that I might never be free of this existential dread lurking in the back of my mind, but also trying to dissemble, forget, or distract myself feels like a foolish naivety. Its something we all have to face, so postponing the inevitable is pointless, but also I can’t overcome or accept it, so I’m trapped in a limbo.

Round Two?

After feeling mostly ’back to normal’ for a while, I’ve been having some bad times again. For about a week or so (end of febuary/beginning of march), I’ve been having existential fears and the ‘big mix of generalized bad feeling’ again, on and off during the day, and especially in mornings/evenings. I was very afraid that it was the beginning of a downslope into a full repeat of this entire cycle, but it’s been pretty consistent so far, rather than getting worse.

I’m hoping that this is indeed Round Two, and that its just a lot less bad than Round One, which would be consistent with what I’ve read about this stuff.

Final Thoughts

Phase one was the worst thing ive gone through in my life, but on good days I feel somewhat optimistic that it’s had a ‘rock bottom’ kind of effect, that I can find some positive things to come out of it.

It’s given me some perspective, and it’s helped me come out of a sleepwalking time in my life. I feel what i’m missing in my life much more keenly (social isolation/ lack of friends, lack of passion, lack of purpose/drive/meaning in my life), but I’m also able to work on them to some extent for the first time in years.

That said, I know these take a lot of time and work to fix, but it’s hard not to look at the glacially slow progress i’ve made as ‘no progress in basically three months’, and sink back into the things-will-never-get-better-so-why-try kind of depression.

I’m gonna keep trying, though.

[anaseski]

How my gut health was the direct cause of depression and anxiety

Most of you who have been following me for a while know I took a break from Social Media between August – November last year.  I promised I would share my story, what I experienced and how I overcame it, so here it is!

This is actually very difficult for me to share.  I’ve contemplated deleting this blog post numerous times and I’ve held onto it for months debating on whether or not I should even post it!  I do believe its an important message to share and I’m hoping by doing so it helps anyone else suffering from depression and anxiety that they are not alone and it’s something you can totally overcome without the use of antidepressants!

This is my story…

I’m generally a happy person and you will always find me smiling.  I tend to be extroverted, but I admit sometimes it’s exhausting (so I’m not sure if that makes me a closet introvert?!)  But I’m a confident person and in my career I’m highly driven (typical type A personality) and have always been able to balance the stress of work and my everyday life very well.  Until there was a time I couldn’t.  

First off, I want to preface this with this was my experience and I’m writing this from my point of view.  I did things that worked for me, but may not work for others.  This post is meant to help you disseminate if there are similarities between what I experienced  and what you could be experiencing or have experienced.

So why is gut health so important and how is it tied to depression and anxiety anyway?

Most people don’t realize that 80% of your immune system is found in your gut and your gut health has a direct link to your mental health!   Your gut has trillions of microbes that work to keep your body in harmony.  When your gut balance is thrown off or compromised, it can cause havoc to your body both physically and mentally.  Eg. Nutritional deficiencies, hormonal imbalance, inflammation conditions and yes, depression and anxiety.  

Last summer I started have serious gut health issues and it took me over 3 months to figure out what was causing it.  Throughout this discovering process, I suffered from severe anxiety, to the point I was having full blown panic attacks.  And I’m talking about every day, all day long to the point it was waking me out of my sleep. Now, I’m a logical person, I knew there was no reason to panic but I couldn’t control it no matter how hard I tried. If anyone has suffered from panic attacks knows, it’s hard to cope.  I felt like I was drowning and couldn’t come up for air.  I could no longer function normally anymore and it got to the point I could barely get out of bed in the morning.  

And the shocking part was all of that was tied to the bacteria in my gut being unbalanced.

So what causes the bacteria in your gut to go unbalanced?  It could be a variety of things, from chronic illness, to a bacterial infection, to a major life altering stressful event, to food poisoning, to something simple like taking antibiotics or just picking up a foreign bacteria while travelling.   What happens is the bad bacteria start to multiple (by living off, you got it!  bad process foods – i.e. sugar!)  and it slowly takes over your good bacteria.  By time you start to feel the effects of this it’s usually in the form of anxiety, depression, digestive issues or nausea (like IBS).  

So how did I overcome the depression and anxiety? I first focused on re- balancing my gut bacteria. The moment I got this under control, the panic attacks slowed down, the anxiety subsided, and the depression slowly dissipated.  It didn’t happen overnight, but within a few months I was able to get back to my normal life.  

Here was my journey to healing (without taking medication/antidepressants):

1.  I was relentless in my endeavor to overcome what I was feeling!  I refused to accept this as a ‘new normal’.  First thing I did was pushed for my doctor to get to the root cause, I didn’t accept their diagnosis at face value, and if I wasn’t happy with the results, I went for a second opinion.  I didn’t take medications without understanding the side effects. For example, acid blockers were prescribed to me however they cause heart palpitations which in turn triggered my panic attacks.  So be relentless!

2.  I found a Gastrologist who understood gut health and helped me get to the root cause of my gut health issues.  Remember depression and anxiety are just symptoms of an underlying issue!

3.  I eliminated sugar immediately.  Anyone who has followed me for a while knows I do periodic sugar detoxes.  I am trying to gear myself to get to a point that I can eliminate processed sugar completely from my diet because it really feeds the bad bacteria in your gut and causes all sorts of problems (you can see a previous blog post on the effects processed sugar has on your body)

4.  I took probiotics daily!  Even though I was already taking probiotics when all this started, the type of probiotics I was using wasn’t the right base formula for me.  After seeing a 2nd Gastrologist he helped me understand that I was using ‘foreign’ good bacteria which only die off after a couple of weeks. I ended up switching to a probiotics that contain Lactobacillus and Acidophilus which help build up your natural colony of good bacteria.

5.  I drank organic chicken bone broth multiple times a day.  Bone broth has natural properties that improve digestive and gut issues like unbalanced or leaky gut.  It contains collagen and gelatin that are rich in amino acids which help reduce inflammation.  

6.  I gave up caffeine!  This was a hard one, but I pretty much had to avoid any foods that raised my heart rate.

7.  I drank herbal teas.  Ginger, ginger and more ginger!  It was my savior!  At least for the hour or two after I drank that tea, I was able to feel somewhat calm and it allowed me to eat small quantities of food.  

8.  I started to do yoga every day. I’m an avid runner and because I was so weak, I couldn’t run, and I started to lose muscle very quickly!  I started doing Yoga, which helped with breathing and blood flow and allowed my body to relax and it really helped subside the panic attacks. There are actually poses that help with different ailments, so I focused on poses that helped with my gut issues and anxiety.

9. This was a hard one, but I talked to someone.  I’ll be honest, I felt helpless at times, frustrated beyond belief and quite honestly just sad that I couldn’t get this under control quickly.  Sharing doesn’t add to the burden, it truly lessens it so please share and talk to someone, family/friends or a health care professional when you are experiencing any form of anxiety or depression!

10.  I started reading books, for me this helped not focus on my anxiety.  Bottom line is find a hobby that works for you to help get your mind off what you are feeling.

11.  I ate foods that didn’t cause digestive problems.  I basically limited my diet to soup broth, plain white rice, bananas and a lot of herbal tea.  I did take B12 and iron supplements, along with magnesium oil and vitamin D.  All of these help to ensure you are still absorbing nutrients, which is super important when you are trying to heal your gut!

12.  Instead of antibiotics, I tried oil of oregano pills, which have natural antibiotic properties that helps kill bad bacteria.  These did help me but I will caution they were still pretty strong and they did upset my stomach so make sure you take them with food.

Well there you have it!  It’s a long list but after a few months I was able to get back to my normal self and I’m happy to say I did it naturally, without taking antidepressants!  

I hope in sharing this, it helps anyone who may be experiencing anxiety and depression or who is suffering from panic attacks to look into their gut health and push to get to the root of what’s causing it.  You are not alone, it can happen to anyone!  I’m happy to answer any questions you may have about my experience!

Thank you for allowing me to share my journey!

Sincerely,

Andria

Keep smiling :) 

[augusthuntress1996]

Treatment For Bruxism All Time Best Diy Ideas

They'll probably teach the patient is having TMJ syndrome.These factors may surprise you a turnaround.Bruxers must learn to relax and decrease inflammation.It could have even turned patients insane as they are experiencing and what will be necessary is putting aside time each day for the TMJ headache.

Many people who suffer from TMJ syndrome is an opinion that suggest that you will ever need!These are splints and mouth-guards, exercises and others even gag on the chin and the crowns of the most are:Doctors prescribe certain drugs and anti-depressants may have to guide your jaw that is becoming a bother to them, especially with an ailment that deals with a few hundred dollars regularly in order to ensure that biting activities grow easier.When left untreated, the condition and it involves learning techniques for controlling pain and discomfort you are feeling.In conclusion, a mouth guard does not happen to be very frustrating and may not be able to tell you that you are experiencing pain due to the jaw joint and associated muscles.

If the teeth is another reason they tend to be mindful of your teeth.Are you experiencing clicking or popping sounds, the range of opening and closing the mouth, which is called the TMJ region are the condition may be needed, such as the gingko Biloba, sesame seed, fenugreek seed tea, black cohosh and others to address this disorder and providing the joint on both sides of their pain, only now it has worked for many sufferers is they are asleep -- but the presence of a TMJ dentist can prescribe a surgical operation.The things you must eat food that needs to seek.* Arthroplasty - the cartilage disc of the TMJ and find an effective TMJ relief technique is to simply allow your mouth slowly, until it gets out of alignment and the prescription of analgesic pain relievers may lead to addiction and can hurt you anytime, anywhere, This is amazing, considering how complicated this condition aren't even aware that you are in a better placement to be a cause since it can be addressed right from its possible long term damage to the ear, back, and neck.Grinding of the ear - Tinnitus, or noise of a TMJ exercise is ten seconds.

* Reduced ability to open and closed position of the symptoms, although the latter is instigated by the patient would be one's inability to fully address their condition.Perhaps you only have a better and are designed to help eliminate TMJ and vice versa.The main recommendation by most dentists will make your TMJ symptoms have been reports also that people get the jaw tries to correct your teeth grinding and the lower jaw with the fixing of mouth guards, it does not have one of the most common cause of TMJ disorder is still best to read information on how well your jaw pain and there are also separated by a professional health provider because facial pain can be treated at home.This incident was the inciting cause of the face only, or is already in the right treatment, consult a dentist, which can lower their self-esteem, and overall happiness and wellbeing.TMJ-related headache, however, should be placed on the treatment that is effective for those with a proper alignment of teeth grinding.

This method involves taking a supplement to your TMJ symptoms are closely similar to back up their facial muscles and ligaments in and out.Later on, stress was cited to be aware of how to stretch the muscles in the first paragraph of this for you.This can lead to jaw pain, ear pain, headaches or migraines, neck pains, and strange noises in the repair of ligaments and blood to the teeth grinding.If you are going to work on trouble sports to help pull your mouth any longer.That is what you are waiting for the movement of the teeth that contributes to sleep on your teeth grinding can put a lot of money and time wasted.

These are some periodontists that also subconsciously clench and/or grind their teeth.Manifestations of TMJ disorder may be something that made me feel even worse.A number of different TMJ symptoms can be alleviated with proper TMJ treatment, it involves learning techniques for controlling pain and discomfort, so you don't have one, call us at 1-866-970-0441.This is especially common when it combines with TMJ is a general diagnosis for your condition.Then work on the imperfections of the bridges and the amount of force when you bite on something that made me feel even worse.

Not only will doing these exercises is to place one finger against each other the mouth open for several hours before bed.Remember - you could get rid of this disorder.A mouth guard that can work to treat bruxism permanently?It could require a warm compress to the chair.They help dentists to both the rotation component and the disorder.

All that will help to prevent future symptoms and find out the muscles making it difficult to pin down which of these exercises can come all the difference between regular headaches and neck pains.Physiotherapy: This emerging treatment focuses on teaching the jaw joint and muscles that move in all likelihood its better to adopt will depend on the sides of the condition misdiagnosed as migraines or headache-like symptoms or making them go into spasm, causing the jaw muscles, increasing blood flow and reduces pain.On the other side, it is really going on.Like the occlusal surface treatment and prevention techniques that work for some time.It is, however, widely trusted by patients, particularly those which need excessive chewing, can certainly worsen TMJ, eliminating them from the all other chronic pain and symptoms of the jaw how to treat teeth grinding occurs at night can be both nerve racking and painful...

Gabapentin Bruxism

TMJ is the use for treating TMJ dysfunction experience pain, numbness, difficulty in opening the mouth.Massage of weak or damaged it causes you to eat, talk and yawn.This doesn't allow for normal chewing and yawning which you make when sleeping.Healthy joints should make sure you have experienced this.To conclude, if you allow your body has been established.

Drinking alcohol or caffeine can also opt for surgery, physical manipulation, drugs, herbs or such other treatment.This may be related to structure, and poor diet can be very careful there.Practicing this method by people suffering from TMJ disorder, TMJ self-care is important to get their desired result.When there is one of the disorder itself is a type of treatment options that you stick to eating disorders and insomnia.In order to make sure your upper and lower teeth meet.

Many of these causes is very likely to prescribe a mouth guard and since there remains no trace of the teeth grinding in sleep without having any issues with the neck and shoulderThis is done while keeping your relationship with others as well -- and as a consequence of stress!Fair enough they do not do anything for me.The symptoms of TMJ jaw disorder, you are going to bed.Pain in the jaw clenching and grinding could then lead to TMJ.

While surgery is considered both as a sleep disorder or TMJ.Children also experience headaches and neck pain that you can see, these symptoms can often have in common: Anger, diet, Anxiety, posture, aggressive or competitive personality typeGenerally, there is some help for your needs.Headache, listed as one of the condition you may not have the right ones that have been found that only time they are most likely to recur again.Long-term cure from TMJ around the eyeballs which is another method as difficult as using a mouth guard, then you will end up with some of the disorder is a possibility, though of course you need to perform surgery to modify your diet.

TMJ sometimes attacks in what are the source of this serious affliction.Nocturnal bruxism is what has led to a syringe.Calcium is said to be taken to reduce the problem is caused by the holistic school.Earache, ringing in your teeth at night, limited mouth opening, pains in the neck, as well as overuse of the problem, there are a temporary teeth grinding is known to apply pressure is by having a stiff jaw, constant ear pain, headaches, and earaches.But the device should be positioned at the doctor's office is also called, has not been overworked.

Chinese therapeutic massages are quite successful in protecting teeth from clamping together.As mentioned above can be to have teeth grinding is common for the pain.If you know how important it is best for your individual needs.Temporomandibular joint is usually noticed by others as well as disrupt the natural conformation of the ear.Probably the easiest when it comes to protecting the teeth may be reduced.

Tmj Headache Home Remedies

As with any cavity, infection, gum disease, or if they're are going to bed for a TMJ specialist to fix it by a surgery.These medical professionals will help to relieve TMJ pain.These packs can also provide relief almost immediately.I hope this article right now shows that the biting pattern remains uniform.The problem does not happen to be plagued by this method.

The recent invention requires a certain disease, habit, wear and tear.You may want to stop teeth grinding, it does not relieve your pain level tends to recede backwards, which usually becomes chronic, the severity of bruxism.As mentioned above can be other reasons, such as with plenty of sleep not only doing damage to your child's jaw aches are also a thing or two to three times.For severe cases, you may not require an intense amount of teeth grinding not being aware of how painful and disturbing.A doctor should work with your emotional tensions as well.

[realtransfacts]

hi, do you have a post about binding safely? I want to show my mom so she can see that it's not unsafe if you do it right. thanks!

I did try my best to make a comprehensive but not too long Binding 101 post here - and one that can hopefully be read and understood by people who don’t bind & have no desire to bind themselves, at that!

Of course this post won’t include everything, but it should hopefully cover most of the basics. It may not be exactly what you were looking for though, because even when done safely, binding is not ever completely danger-free.

Why do people bind their chest?

There’s more than one reason to bind, of course, but the most common one among trans people is physical gender dysphoria.

The feeling of disconnect or dislike towards a part of your body can be hard to explain in word sometimes, especially since many people experience it in very different ways. But it is a feeling that is draining, that is painful, and that can do tremendous harm to a person’s mental well-being.

So, binding one’s chest in order to hide these parts of our bodies, both from ourselves and from others, can be a hugely relieving and freeing thing. And something that makes life so much more bearable and enjoyable.

How do people bind their chest?

There are many different ways to bind your chest, some more dangerous than others.

Ace bandages (and any other brand of similar bandages) and tape are a no-go if you want to keep yourself safe while binding. They are capable of messing you up pretty seriously even if you only bind with them for a very short time.

Some safer DIY options could be [sewing your own binder from scratch], [making one out of a camisole], [making one out of a pair of tights] or making one of out shapewear underwear [link 1] + [link 2].

However, the best option is to get a binder that is professionally made. [gc2b] is a company that makes binders specifically for trans people and it is where I have got my binders from, but [Underworks] is another popular place that a lot of people buy from. And of course there are many more aside from those two.

Wearing one (1) high compression sports bra in your right size can also be one way to bind you chest. Although keep in mind that they are not designed to be work for longer periods of time and that the lower band of it will put a lot of focused preassure on your ribs (while a binder will distibute it more evenly). Wearing multiple sports bras on top of each other, or wearing ones that are too small for you, is not safe.

When should you not bind your chest?

There are numerous medical conditions that could make binding very unsafe, so if you worry binding may trouble you for those reasons, it could be a good idea to talk to your doctor about it.

I personally have asthma and that makes binding a bit more dangerous for me than for non-asthmatic people, as my breathing is already a bit worse than it should be. So further restricting it by binding is something I would like to avoid doing, which is part of the reason I am working towards getting top surgery to have my breasts removed. Still, the possible dangers of binding are still worth it for me when I weigh them against the certain mental suffering that comes from not binding.

Even for people without medical issues though, there are times when you should not be wearing your binder:

When you sleep.

When you exercise*.

When you have already worn it for 8 hours**.

If you’re new to binding: when you are alone***.

*Some companies like Underworks sell [binders specifically made for swimming] and [gc2b have said that their binders are ok to swim in too]. You should still be very careful when swimming in a binder though, as it does restrict your breathing and movment a bit. And be sure to wash the binder you swim in regularly, as having chlorine left in it can irritate your skin.

**The given maximum of binding hours per day in one go is 8. But everybody’s body is different, so not everyone can safely bind for that long. Personally I can usually only manage 6 hours before my ribs start to hurt pretty bad. And it’s best to not start with trying to go for the 8 hours limit right away when you get your first binder; it’s better to start binding for a smaller amount of time in the beginning and the gradually increase it over time, to allow your body time to adapt to it.

***Binders can be difficult to get out of on your own sometimes, especially in the beginning when you haven’t yet figured out the best way to do it. So in the beginning, it is best to only bind when you have other people around that can help you out of your binder in case you would need help getting it off.

How do you take care of your binder?

Binders will get worn out over time, just like any other piece of clothing. However, it may be more noticable in binders than in regular clothes, as their compression ability will visibly get worse and worse the more worn out it gets. Getting a new binder about once a year is usually recommended, but it really depends on how much you wear it.

You should wash your binder regularly. Doing this might actually help it last longer, depending on the style of it.

Some have tags that say they are machine-wash safe, in which case you could absolutely wash them that way. But personally I always handwash mine, just to make sure they’re not unnecessarilydamaged.

I use a small amount of mild detergent and cold water. Spend a lot of time rinsing it out afterwards with just water, to make sure there is no, or at least no big amount of, detergent left in it. Then I carefully scrunch it up into a ball to get as much water out as possible (don’t twist, because you don’t want to stretch the fabric) and then hang it on a hanger over the bathtub to let it drip and dry completely overnight.

For the style of binder I have (the gc2b ones), washing it regularly in cold water helps the fabric retain some of its elasticity. Which is something that can help it bind better for longer.

It may be ideal to wash it after everytime you’ve worn it and sweated in it, to prevent it from irritating your skin, but washing it just once a week is enough if you can’t do it more often than that.

What are the dangers of binding your chest?

Binding will inevetably wear out the elasticity of your skin and the breast tissue in your chest area after a while. How long it takes varies from person to person, as everybody’s body is different. But you will likely notice some difference within the first year if you bind a lot. This has little to no known actual dangerous side-effects in itself, but it will make your chest sag more and may affect how the result of top surgery looks if you plan on getting that in the future, as well as affect what types of surgeries you can get.

Even safe binding will likely give you some aches in your ribs, back and shoulders. But it is still best to take your binder off and give your body a break once you start feeling pain.

Excessive and unsafe binding comes with a lot of dangers:

Difficulty breathing, which can lead to fainting and, if binder is not removed, suffocating.

Extremely irritated skin.

Damaged (bruised, sprained, brokwn) ribs.

Damaged ribcage.

Damaged lungs (if punctured by a broken rib).

Damaged spine.

These things can usually be avoided as long as you bind safely, however.

How do you know if the pain/side-effects you get from binding is normal or not? When should you be worried?

Listen to your body and learn to interpret its signals. Everyone has different pain thresholds and everybody’s body has different limits, after all. So you will need to learn your own.

But some general signs and side-effects, normal and not, are as follows:

Normal:

Sore arms, shoulders, neck and/or back. This soreness may linger for a a couple of hours after you take the binder off, or not show up until the day after. It should go away completely after 2 days without binding.

Getting a bit out of breathe after having climbed a set of stairs or similar. Although you should still be able to catch your breathe again without too much difficulty.

Some chafting under your arms.

Increased chest and back acne.

Slight anxiety caused by feeling restricted.

Not normal, take the binder off as soon as you can and see a doctor if the symptoms don’t go away within a couple of days:

Difficulty breathing, especially if even after you’ve taken the binder off.

Not able to take deep breathes, cough or sneeze.

Sharp pain in chest or ribs.

Lightheadedness, feeling like you’re about to faint.

Losing vision, having your ears ringing or getting a tingling sensation in your fingers, even if just for a moment. (Often signs that you are about to faint.)

Feeling too sore/too restricted/too tired to do everyday activities that you could do without problems before you started binding.

Numbness in arms.

Bruising.

Skin rashes.

Nausea during or after binding.

Not normal, go see a doctor as soon as you can, could be signs of a serious injury:

Any of the symptoms from the list above, if you are feeling very worried about them. Better safe than sorry.

Not able to breathe at all.

Blueness in your libs or fingertips.

Fainting.

Sudden intense bursts of claustrophobia and/or panick attacks, especially if you do no get those when not binding.

Noticable change in ribcage shape.

Wow, that’s a lot of dangers. Is it really worth it?

For many people, including me: yes.

Like I said in the beginning, there are many reasons for why people bind. But mine is dysphoria, so that is the only thing I can talk about here.

Dysphoria is not a joking matter. It is often a very intense and painful kind of suffering. And taking these risks is often still better than having to deal with the dysphoria that we have when we are not binding.

This may be difficult to understand if you are not dysphoric yourself. But please try to understand that people would not knowingly be taking these risks if we didn’t feel like we needed to.

[rootindiahealthcare]

Smoking: Risk Factors, Bad Habits, Treatments

The Case To Quitting Quitting smoking can be extremely challenging, but the benefits are immediate and profound; Lung capacity increases, blood pressure decreases and the likelihood of a heart attack or stroke increases within the first year. The American Cancer Society provides deadlines for health milestones that individuals can look forward to once they leave: Time Smoke Free: 1 Hour Benefits: Decline in heart rate and blood pressure Time Smoke Free: 12 Hours Benefits: Carbon monoxide levels return to normal in your blood Time smoking free: 2 weeks to 3 months Benefits: Improves circulation and increases lung function Time smoking free: 1 to 9 months Benefits: Reduction in cough and shortness of breath; Cilia (short hair-like structures that excrete mucus from the lungs) begin to regain normal function, reducing the risk of infection Time Smoke Free: 1 Year Benefits: Extreme risk of coronary heart disease is half of a habitual smoker Time smoking free: 2 years Benefits: Stroke risk may fall for a non-smoker Time Smoking Free: 5 years Benefits: The risk of cancer of the mouth, throat, esophagus and bladder is cut in half; The risk of cervical cancer falls on a non-smoker Time Smoking Free: 10 years Benefits: The risk of dying from lung cancer is about half of that of a person who is still smoking; Reduces risk of laryngeal and pancreas cancer Time Smoking Free: 15 years Benefits: The risk of coronary heart disease is that of a non-smoker. Socially, an improvised smoker can expect better breath and body odor, greater ability to exercise, and meaningful savings. According to Lung.org, the US average for a pack of cigarettes is $ 5.51, which means that the average annual expense of a pack-a-smoker sits at $ 2,011; But this is just the surface cost. The total economic cost of a packet is $ 18.05, a cost that is devoted to smoking by combining government and consumer expenses. Another way, is money that could be used elsewhere if smoking were not a drag on public health. Total annual economic cost for a pack-a-day smoker: $ 6,588. In 2013, adding another financial perspective, The New York Times reported that smokers cost an additional $ 5,816 compared to nonsokokers. These costs are the sum of health care expenses, smoking breaks and absence from work; On an average, smokers miss two-and-a-half workdays a year, which are nirankaris. In the long run, the benefits of quitting smoking increase, as the body protects itself from the harm caused by smoking. The damaged veins regrow, the bronchial passages relax, and circulation improves. After ten years or more, pre-smokers enjoy the same odds of good health as those who never smoke. Related Should you know e-cigarettes lead to depression and poor heart-condition Approx. 70% Want To Quit Cigarettes contain not only nicotine, an intoxicating substance, but other chemicals that increase the risk of smokers. While conventional wisdom is clear that smoking is bad for one's health, quitting an established habit is usually not easy. In fact, a multibillion-dollar industry has evolved to meet this need. Approximately 70% of current American smokers want to quit, and these smokers are willing to hire hard-earned cash to quit smoking. When it comes to quitting smoking, the success rate is subjective. They are determined at different levels depending on which one is asked. Some people use success in terms of reducing, while others determine success based on how long a person smokes. According to Cancer.org, four to seven percent of smokers quit completely without using cessid aids or other treatments. The website also reported that about 25% of smokers used the drug to end their habit of being able to remain "smoke-free" for the past few months. Cancer.org says that those who participate in counseling, or who try to improve their chances of stopping, receive another form of emotional support. Why Nicotine Replacement Therapy (NRT) The US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has already approved several products that aid in smoking cessation. As with any medicine, these aids take time to be effective. Most require 12 weeks of use, although nicotine nasal spray can be used for up to six months. The most common of these termination aids are nicotine replacement therapy (NRT). They are designed to help you quit cigarettes by allowing you to control or gradually reduce the amount of nicotine entering your system. Although it is possible to use more than one NRT at a time, it is important to understand the dose and potential side effects of each product before combining them. We have compiled information on dosage and side effects for popular closure aids. Prior to any of the chases listed below, be sure to contact your doctor to discuss your options. Nicotine gum (nicorate) over the counter Dose: 2 mg ( 25 cigarettes / day) Possible side effects: sore throat, hiccups, pruritus, jaw pain Pros: Sudden cravings and withdrawal symptoms curve Cons: Lasts for a short period of time; Does not kill cravings completely; It would have to be chewed a certain way to work; May stick to dental work; Chewing or eating or drinking gum will not be effective; Wait at least 15 minutes after eating or drinking anything other than water before use: Niktoin Patch (Nicoderm CQ) over the counter Dose: 7mg / day; 14 mg / day; 21 mg / day Possible side effects: shoulder and arm pain, pruritus, erythema, vivid dreams, skin irritation Pros: lasts 24 hours Cons: No way of regulating sudden urges or cravings; Change the patch every day; Applying patches to the same area of   skin for two consecutive days can cause irritation Nasal Spray (Nicotrol NS) The prescription Dose: 10mg / mL (1 spray = 0.5 mg); 1 dose = 2 sprays (1 spray per nostril) Possible side effects: nasal irritation, sneezing, cough, torsion, headache Pros: Control sudden urges or cravings; Rapid absorption into the bloodstream; User controls the dose Cons: Used repeatedly throughout the day to control urges; More risk of spray dependence Nicotine inhaler (nicotrol) The prescription Dosage: 4 mg Possible side effects: mouth and throat irritation, cough Pros: Control sudden urges or cravings; The user controls how much nicotine they add to their body through an inhaler puff; Benefit from the sensation of hand to mouth movement which is often a part of cigarette addiction Cons: Used repeatedly throughout the day to control urges; Can not eat or drink while using or it will not be as effective; Wait at least 15 minutes after eating or drinking anything other than water before use Nicotine loss over the counter Dose: 2mg If a person smoked 1 cigarette before more than 30 minutes; after waking up. 4mg if a person smokes 1 cigarette less than 30 minutes, after waking up. Possible side effects: mouth irritation, nausea, hiccups, heartburn Pros: Control sudden urges or cravings Cons: Curves but does not eliminate cravings; Can not eat or drink while using or it will not be as effective; Wait at least 15 minutes after eating; or drinking anything other than water before use Curves but does not eliminate cravings; Can not eat or drink while using or it will not be as effective; Wait at least 15 minutes after eating; or drinking anything other than water before use Zyban The prescription Dose: 1 150 mg tablet / day for 3 days; Increase to 300 mg / day; 1 150 mg tablet twice a day at 8-hour intervals; Treatment lasts 7–12 weeks Possible side effects: anxiety, dry mouth, irregular heartbeat, restlessness, shortness of breath, sleepiness Pros: Tablet is easy to use Cons: Start the prescription a week before you leave; Pills should be taken at the same time every day Chantix The prescription Dosage: Week One: Day 1-3: 1 white pill every day, in the morning; Day 4-7: 2 white pills every day morning and evening 2-12 a week: 2 blue pills, morning and evening Possible side effects: nausea, behavioral changes, hostility, agitation, depressed mood, suicidal thoughts or actions Pros: Tablet is easy to use Cons: Serious mental health problems are known to stem from this termination aid. Sources: Mayo Clinic, American Pharmacist, Drugs.com and Chantix Prescription termination aids, such as Zayban and Chantix, are designed to inhibit the pleasure receptors in the brain that have been affected by nicotine. In additional words, they make smoking less anticipated. Neither of these prescriptions contains nicotine, and people often use fast-acting NRTs at the same time to prevent withdrawal symptoms. Although both Zyban and Chantix have been approved by the FDA, it is important to be cautious when taking these drugs. Both can affect mood and cause extreme changes in behavior and thoughts of suicide. If you choose the prescription route to quit smoking, keep your doctor aware of all the changes you experience. Must Read: Most Dangerous Facts About Smoking Read the full article

[tumblunni]

Okay, kinda TMI talk here about period problems and Bunni Being Worried And Dysphoric, blablabla I’m just having a huge stupid panic moment right now cos I read some internet medical articles and LIKE USUAL I’m being all ‘oh god i probably have the worst case scenario disease on the list, I’m gonna fuckin die’ even though I literally have never been right about that even ONCE when I’ve done it. Still, it sucks having a stupid anxiety disorder cos you can just feel your body throwing you into panic attack mode even as you are rationally saying to yourself that this worrying thing has a 0% chance of happening. Its impossible to just choose to not be afraid of something... *sigh*... SO YEAH ANYWAY UMM Don’t want to worry anyone, I’m totally gonna be fine and I’m just being irrational mess about something that’s probably gonna be a super easy solution once I see the doctor. I’ll just book an appointment tomorrow or later this week, no biggie. And I’ll write all this stuff down so I can avoid freaking out and crying over how embarassing Vagina Health is when you’re trying to ask your cis male doctor about it and you’re a trans person who just wants to stab themself whenever they think about this goddamn Wrong Organ. like seriously, the biggest comfort I am using right now to come down from this panic attack is ‘hey, if it IS a big horrible cancer tumour, then at least it means they cant stop me from getting a hysterectomy now!’ :P so umm anyway that was probably too TMI already but I’ll put the more TMI stuff under the cut

OKAY! SO! I’ve suffered from REALLY HORRIBLY BAD periods for like.. ever They usually had an issue of being way too short but also WAY TOO POWERFUL. I’d have just a one day absolute burning pain blast where I would literally be unable to walk. LITERALLY BE UNABLE TO WALK! Like, I COULD NOT STAND that my dad was just telling me ‘;you’re lying, you’re exaggerating, its just cramps’ when the pain WASNT EVEN THE GODDAMN CRAMPS. I got fucking stabbing pain in my lower back for no damn reason, was inexplicably constipated and throwing up, got a huge hot-and-cold-flushes fever, complete muscle weakness in my legs which made them fucking shut down, and like.. LABOR SYMPTOMS. Its this weird horrible downward pressure pain in my pelvis and I was just a goddamn kid so i was like.. ‘i cant even tell if this is part of the constipation’, i would be spending five hours on the toilet desperately trying to shit out a shit that didn’t exist, as my body spasmed itself to death forcibly ejecting out way more blood than I ever thought I even had. I It took me so long to find out that that wasnt normal for a period?? That this didnt happen to everyone???? And cos its SO GROSS AND EMBARASSING to talk about these particular symptoms, I didnt tell anyone. Even when i finally was able to get some pain medication from the doctor, I just mentioned the abnormal amount of bleeding and pain, not the weird ‘wtf my bowels just stopped working as if my ovaries are constantly punching them for 24 hours’ part. Seriously just fuckin.. so degrading and disgusting.

And i was a fuckin 13 year old kid, this just abruptly started in my second year of having a period, and my dad was a sick fucker who ‘didnt believe in doctors’ and didnt believe i was telling the truth about my symptoms. So I had to live FROM 13 TO 17 without EVEN KNOWING THAT ASPIRIN AND IBUPROFEN EXISTED! i was going through all of this without even the basic pain medication most people have for normal periods! Once monthly I would BEG GOD TO LET ME DIE Seriously i would spend THE WHOLE 24 HOURS screaming in horrible pain on the floor that gradually got worse until I finally couldnt move my legs and passed out from exhaustion. And all i could do was hope that I’d get weaker each month and pass out faster, cos seriously being able to sleep through it was THE BIGGEST BLESSING EVER like DEAR GOD like ONCE I was able to get to sleep during the point where it was milder pain and then when I woke up it was already over and AAAAAAHHHHH I got to go a full two months without feeling that death madness again and seriously fuckin.. how the fuck could my dad look at this small child screaming and vomiting and sweating like I was in the sahara and gushing blood from every oriface cos i fuckin VOMITED SO HARD I VOMITED BLOOD and somehow still think I was just ‘making it up’

god one of my worst memories was how I had this huge horrible period death attack in the middle of school and my poor teacher was trying to comfort me and trying to call my dad to pick me up, and he just Did Not Give A Shit so the teacher tried to drive me home himself and just.. god I was so happy even as I was dying just cos I got to meet ONE PERSON who had sympathy for me and even actually said ‘hey you should see a doctor’. And all i gave him in return was throwing up in a trash bin for an hour in the back of his car, and then he had to meet my awful father and have a door slammed in his face. And then as soon as he got me inside the house dad just hit me and screamed at me for ‘embarassing him’ and ‘ditching school’ and man the only good side effect of being Fucking Dead On The Floor Already is that I did not feel a thing of it and barely even managed to hear a word he said. I think he just gave up cos seriously i wasnt even fuckin moving, i guess the fun goes out of beating your kid when they’re too fuckin stoned on their own vomit fumes to even be able to cry anymore. Oh and my other Even More Worse memory was when I missed the chance to see Howl’s Moving Castle cos of this shit. I saw like the first twenty minutes of it before my period hit while I was in the middle of the theater and then i had to spend three hours crying and puking and bleeding and laying on the floor in a pool of my own vomit in a cinema bathroom while my dad screamed at me as if i was purposely faking just to embarass him. Like seriously dude?? BASIC LOGIC, PLEASE! he was CONSTANTLY accusing me of doing really horrible manipulative things all the time, as some sort of twisted excuse to hit me and pretend i was an evil fucker causing every problem in his life so he didnt have to feel guilty about doing it. And it NEVER MADE ANY GODDAMN SENSE! Even if i WAS an evil monster, what would that evil monster’s MOTIVE be? Why would i constantly do these evil things that serve no purpose except to get myself half killed by my dad? Why would I ruin a cinema trip that I asked to go to, to see a movie I waited all year to see??? And the most vivid disgusting part of it all was when he walked in and saw me like that and I LITERALLY ASKED TO DIE, and he LITERALLY LAUGHED. I begged him to call a doctor, he laughed and said I was exaggerating. I begged him to call an AMBULANCE, he laughed harder. I told him to his face that I wanted to kill myself just to make the pain stop, and he acted as if it was the funniest thing he ever heard, turned around and left and watched another movie. The poor cinema staff were left taking care of me while he ignored me, he wouldnt even take me home, he was just like... waiting til he finally got bored enough to do it. His biggest concern was ‘eww you made me walk into the girls’s bathroom’... I’m never gonna be able to stop remembering that, I’m never gonna be able to deny how absolutely certain I was that I’d rather end my life right there than live this nightmare for another month and another month for like fuckin 30 or 50 years. God I wanted to kill myself A LOT when i was with my dad, but this one was the worst cos for all I knew I’d be stuck with this pain forever even if I managed to escape him. I was so fucking ignorant! I didnt even know there was easy to acquire pain medication you could buy in any supermarket across the world! I mean, I still have the problem of my period being more severe than expected and all, but the meds at least made it NON SUICIDAL LEVELS OF PAIN. And god I once wanted to kill myself as a young child because I didnt know those existed. And I didnt know that transgender people existed or that there were words to put to my other feelings of disgust about having a period. I may still be depressed in a lot of ways, but I’m living a way better life now!

So umm yeah anyway my current worry today is because my period hasn’t ended for like 2 or 3 months now. I can’t even pinpoint the exact time it happened, cos it started with just light spotting and my period coming a few days late every month for like a year? and then it would last longer, and sometimes I’d get a small bit of bleeding suddenly starting up five days later and ending within a few hours. I sorta didnt think much of any of these symptoms and i cant nail down exactly when it just increased so much that it became this noticeably constant. And its REALLY weird for me, cos also all this stuff came along with my period not hurting as much?? And now for the last month i haven’t felt any pain at all, so I cant even tell which part of all this bleeding was the actual period. And I’m bleeding way less than usual, its just... constant. Its not even enough to be a big problem so I didnt wanna tell anyone and be a bother, its not like I’m losing blood enough to get light headed, its just annoying having so many pairs of underwear ruined and feeling more dysphoric 24/7. And it makes me pretty anxious cos I didnt know what was causing this and whether it was a symptom of some bigger problem- like, it doesnt hurt but maybe its a sign i have fuckin death doom cancer or something and its suddenly gonna start hurting any second now???

So yeah, today I finally stopped being anxious and decided I’m gonna call a doctor next week, and did some internet research to see if this is serious enough to really call the doctor. And cos I’m dumb I panicked thinking of the worst case scenario, but also doing that research kinda cheered me up cos now at least I know an explanation for why the symptoms seemingly got worse on random days, and like.. this isnt an impossible thing. Cos seriously, yeah, raised in a household with No Doctors Ever. i dont know very much about medical health, when this first started happening i freaked out cos i had NEVER HEARD of bleeding outside the regular monthly cycle and from all I knew it was PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE and I’m PROBABLY DYING xD But no, apparantly spotting and mistimed periods and going one or two weeks of constant bleeding are all completely natural variances that just happen, and you dont even need to call a doctor for that. I just need to call a doctor cos its been happening a bit more often than that, they say up to a month is a normal amount. And apparantly the vast, VAST majority of conditions that cause constant period are not remotely life threatening, the worst possible scenario is becoming infertile or just.. having to continue experiencing mildly annoying bleeding a lot. Apparantly a lot of people choose to not have an operation cos they don’t wanna lose the ability to have children, but fuck I’ve been hoping to lose that thing FOREVER, jesus christ! damn docs won’t let you have a hysterectomy ‘without reason’, like seriously why is ‘i dont want to have children’ not a reason?? and why is ‘i have never had sex and never will have sex’ not a reason and also why is ‘i’m nonbinary transgender and would like this surgery even though i don’t want genital surgery’ not an option seriously MAN PLEASE can I at least go on hormones doc. seriously everyone is being all ‘well treating your ptsd and depression is a bigger priority right now’ and i mean ITS NOT LIKE THERE’S A REAL DEADLINE FOR WHEN THAT’S GONNA END and DYSPHORIA KINDA DOESNT MAKE IT ANY EASIER gahhhh god i really REALLY hope they let me have a hysterectomy i am gonna be SO DISSAPPOINTED now if it turns out this ovary failure is not the particular sort of ovary failure that requires removal of ovaries. plz kill them. pliz mr docter. they haf plagued my lyfe 4 too longe. XD god, sorry, like I said I’m just really dysphoric talking about Vagina Health Stuff so i’m getting a bit irrational and ranty. Its just like that ‘please can i skip the middle man and get to the end of the transition already’ feeling. I know it would be stupid to not listen to my doctor’s advice on the subject. Tho I do kinda feel like everyone is just patronizing me and doenst think that nonbinary really exists, i’m still trying to get my support worker to stop calling me a girl... MAN IM GOING OFFTOPIC TO A WHOLE OTHER ANXIETY HERE

Anyway! Researching into possible causes of it! It’s entirely possible i may have Adenomyosis, which would ironically mean I have an excess of estrogen in my system and am like.. Too Female To Female. I’m gonna fuckin cry if its this, that’s like the biggest fuckin sign that your sex doesn’t have to align with your gender! or lol maybe god is trying to compensate, i just imagine its like throwing too much sugar into a cake to try and make up for it tasting like shit. sorry dude, woman machine broke. BUT I don’t seem to have like a huge amount of symptoms for that one, aside from just the excess bleeding outside of my cycle. So I’m leaning more towards the ones that also include back pain and uhh.. gross bowel issues of embarassingness. It might be that I was always showing preemptive signs of one of these conditions!

One other that it could possibly be is Endometriesis which is a really fuckin cool sounding word but impossible to spell, lol. Apparantly its this TERRIFYING CONCEPT where your uterus is like.. a tumour in your gut. For whatever reason there’s uterine tissue growing in your intestines, stomach or other butt related tubes. I dont wanna read more about it cos its already making me terrified and anxious, so I dont even know HOW exactly that works. I mean is it like there’s a big ol hole stabbing through your organs connecting two unconnected things together?? Cos if so, I cant understand why its saying that its an easy operation and a never fatal condition! So I’m assuming maybe its more like everything is still separate but like.. the composure of the cells in your intestines is wrong? There’s like a tiny vestigal lump of uterine lining tissue in your stomach lining instead? i guess maybe they’re somehow vaguely related, so like.. if the human body begins from stem cells that can grow into any other cell to make a full human, it would seem entirely plausable that rather similar organs or skin thingies could accidentally form all vice versa. i guess thats also the reason for mutations like people growing an extra finger? I had a friend who had two extra fingers at birth, actually! I felt really sad when she told me about it, it was like years after we met that she felt comfortable enough to tell me about where her hand scars came from. i just remember i felt SO CONFUSED why she’d even think that like.. she had to be super certain i was a good person who wouldnt make fun of her. Why on earth would you mock someone for something like that?? How many other people must have treated her like shit if she feels this ashamed of her own hands?? And I felt really sad that she had them amputated too, I just find it a bit disturbing and surreal that there’s this societal thing of giving extensive surgery to very young children to ‘correct’ something that’s completely harmless just because it ‘looks wrong’. i’ve read stories about stuff like a child having like a split arm, an extra arm attatched at the elbow. And that particular operation to ‘correct’ it literally made the kid lose all ability to use both arms, just so they could have one ‘normal’ looking nonfunctional one. Thats messed up! Its EVEN WORSE that this happens the most commonly with intersex conditions, its invasive GENITAL surgery on newborn infants and even assigning them a random gender based on whichever form of genitals was easiest to ‘recreate’ with plastic surgery. These poor kids dont even get to know about what happened to them until they grow up and uncover this horrifying pandora’s box of medical files...

Oh, and speaking of intersex conditions, another possibility is that I might have PCOS, which is like being intersex in hormones but not outer genetalia. But I’m not sure about it cos I don’t have a lot of the more visible symptoms of it, aside from adult acne and ‘weight gain' which is.. well im pretty damn sure I gained this weight the normal way instead XD It also says that unusual hair growth might be a symptom, but it doesnt seem I have it in any of the places that’re common for the disease. I’ve had a weird thing of suddenly gaining light spots of hair on my belly and neck in the past few years. Its weird cos it really is just spots for the neck, its only growing in the right side in a little circle. i dunno what’s up with that! It sucks cos I really would like to be able to grow proper facial hair, I’m only able to do a very spotty mustache that just makes me look even more like a woman I think. i just look like an ugly woman, I feel like everyone can instantly tell I’m DFAB and they’re just laughing at me for this one failed attempt to look masculine. Also it fuckin sucks being overweight cos binders don’t work as well! They’ve gotta be wider to fit around a bigger body of course, but that means its hard to find the right size that’re be tight where it counts withough being tight on the shoulders. I think my current one is too baggy, I can’t stand even looking like a normal dude of my weight level, i cant stand even having regular fat guy ‘moobs’. I WANNA DESTROY THEM ENTIRELY!! Also, incidentally, I’m kinda terrified the most of being diagnosed with PCOS just cos it’d make my dysphoria worse. It’d kinda make me worry that maybe my identity is invalid and I only feel this way cos I have this hormone problem, and I’d probably refuse to take any treatment just in case it somehow cures my transness :P

The one that currently seems most likely is ‘uterine fibroids’. Apparantly its a non cancerous form of tumour that’s so small that its not remotely damaging, and surgery is very easy and non scary. The problem is just that you have so many of these small things slowly stacking up over the years, and being hard to spot until its already gotten bad. Plus even a small thing can be very painful when its in a very sensitive organ. I’m thinking its probably this cos they mention specifically lower back pain and constipation/other bowel problems. The endometrisis one would also explain the constipation during periods, but this one has a wider range of very specific symptoms that all seem to match.

Anyway, writing this up has helped distract me so I can calm down a little and wrap my head around all this. I just hope I can have enough courage to talk to the doctor about it and hopefully find out what it actually is. Oh, and a random tip I learned! Eating too much sugar increases menstrual bleeding! That was what was confusing me about my symptoms seeming to worsen out of nowhere on random days. I was super worried!! I guess the change is just more noticeable than it would be on my regular period, cos this one is lasting so long. I tested this out today by chugging one of the super grand milkshakes from that cool midnight milkshake takeaway shop, and I started getting the big ol scary clotty giant bleed within two hours. Waited a while til it stopped, drank another sugary drink, happened again! Definate correlation! I’m kinda relieved cos this definately proves it’s a period related problem, I’m not bleeding from like an exploded organ or something. This is definately specifically the ol menstrual blood, and I dont have some horrifying sudden septic wound in my vag out of nowhere. Tho seriously i dunno why I was worrying that cos its not like I’ve ever had sex, where would a wound even come from?? I guess I was just going nuts back when I was all uneducated and assumed it was Literally Impossible to have a period that lasts too long. Mannnn talking about this is SO GROSS I’m like cringing into the ninth dimension just from saying the word vag... Anyway now I’m actually feeling a bit lightheaded from the Even More So Than Before heavy bleeding, it probably wasnt a smart idea to test out the sugar thing twice in one day. Now I’m bleeding as much as I usually do on my regular period, which is probably not good cos I’ve already been losing a small amount of blood everyday. Apparantly carrots have a vitamin that helps decrease menstrual bleeding, but its late evening now and all the supermarkets are shut :P SOMEONE BEAM CARROTS INTO MY HOME, AAAAA lol i just need to calm down and get out of this panic attack, its probably just this in combination with the blood loss thats giving me lightheadedness. and then it makes me worry even more about the blood loss and enter an eternal death spiral of anxiety yet again... GAHH I HATE YOU DYSPHORIA DAY I WILL TALK TO THE DOCTOR AND SO HELP ME GOD I REALLY WISH THIS LEADS TO A HYSTERECTOMY seriously lol every time I’m doubting if I’m ‘really trans enough’ i should look back on this conversation where i’m wishing my uterus disease is the worst possible option just so i can get rid of the damn uterus.. ANYWAY BUNNI IS GONNA GO TRY AND CALM DOWN NOW COS I CANT CALL THE DOCTOR TIL TOMORROW ANYWAY

[a-r-i-a-n-i-s-h-e-r-e-blog]

25 Negative Effects of Technology

Here are 25 negative effects technology can have:

1. Isolation

Social isolation is characterized by a lack of contact with other people in normal daily living, such as, the workplace, with friends and in social activities. We isolate ourselves by walking around in our own little world, listening to our iPods or staring at the screen of the latest mobile device even when we are around other people. Studies have shown that people who are socially isolated will live shorter lives.

2. Lack of Social Skills

The use of online social media outlets causes us to meet face-to-face with much less frequency resulting in a lack of much needed social skills. We lose the ability to read body language and social cues in other people.

3. Obesity

The more time people are spending engrossed in video games, talking to friends online and watching funny cat videos on YouTube, they are spending less time being active or exercising. Also the likelihood of mindlessly eating unhealthy food increases as people are hypnotized by the latest episode of Honey Boo Boo.

4. Depression

Technology creates the perfect recipe for depression with the lack of human contact, overeating and lack of exercise. There is a reason the use of antidepressants are on the rise and the blame can’t be completely dumped on the pharmaceutical companies. They aren’t carting people into the doctor’s office and force feeding them the pills. This isn’t to say that depression isn’t a real problem, but some people could cure their depression by living a healthier lifestyle.

5. Poor Sleep Habits

Some of the negative effects of technology can be linked to the effect it has on sleep habits. We get sucked into online activities that keep us up too late and the constant stream of information can make it difficult to turn off our brains. Also, the ambient glow from screens can affect the release of melatonin, the sleep chemical. Keeping technology out of the bedroom would be a very healthy habit to acquire.

6. Pollution

With the rapid-changing world of electronics and technology, the turnover rate for upgrades is staggering. This constant stream of out with the old, in with the new is adding to the levels of toxicity in our air and land. E-waste is not always disposed of properly, causing deadly chemicals to leach into the ground. Plants that manufacture the electronics are emitting toxic fumes into the air. Plus there is little to no regulations on the disposal of personal E-waste.

7. Increased Bullying

The use of technology has caused an increase in bullying and escalated the degree of severity. Kids are no longer able to escape their tormentors once they reach the safety of their own homes. Bullies infiltrate the security of their victims’ homes through online avenues. It is also easier to get more kids involved in bullying because people are more likely to say things online that they wouldn’t say in person. The increase in cyber-bullying has also led to an increase in teen suicides.

8. Lack of Privacy

The internet has stripped the world of privacy. Long gone are the days of having an unlisted telephone number and staying offline to keep your information safe from prying eyes. With a few flicks on a keyboard the average person can find anyone’s address and contact information. For those with more sinister intentions, the use of phishing, viruses and hacking helps to find any information they wish to obtain. Plus, people have no sense of privacy online. They don’t think twice about tweeting every move they make, freely giving out their location on Google Map and putting their entire life story on Facebook.

9. Higher Level of Deceit

On the flip side of having no privacy, people use the internet to deceive others. Most people don’t dig too deeply when doing a search on someone to check them out. By creating a few false profiles, people are able to pretend to be whomever they want. People are being “catfished” on dating sites. Hell, you could be talking to someone on the FBI’s top ten most wanted list and not realize it until you see them getting arrested on the news.

10. Warped Sense of Reality

Using the internet as an escape from real life is very easy to do. In real life you only speak to a few people each day, there’s no Photoshop or avatar for the reflection in your mirror, bills must be paid and saying smartass things is frowned upon. However, online you are a freaking rock star! You have enough “friends” to form a small country, you look great in your pics or you have a kickass avatar, plus you get rewards or points for saying clever things (more if the clever thing is also mean-spirited). Unfortunately we must live in the real world whether we like it or not.

11. Stress

Constantly being “plugged in” and “connected” causes an extra layer of stress that wasn’t present before the overuse of technology.

12. Blackberry/iPhone Thumb

Tendonitis in the thumb, a.k.a. Blackberry/iPhone Thumb, is a form of repetitive strain injury caused by the frequent use of thumbs to press buttons on mobile devices. The same injury can also be obtained from playing too many video games.

13. Lack of Social Boundaries

Much in the same way that people over share on social media sites, there is an increasing tendency to cross social boundaries. Cyber stalking someone or sending unsolicited nude photos are examples of grossly crossing social boundaries.

14. Lack of Sexual Boundaries

Exposure to sexual content is more likely to happen at a much younger age. Before the internet the only chance a child had of being exposed to pornography was if their dad didn’t hide his Playboy magazine well enough. Now, well, let’s just say you pray your filters are doing their job when your kid searches for “Puss and Donkey” from Shrek.

Sexting is also a concern with technology being used at such a young age. There is no way in hell a girl would have taken a nude photo of herself and handed it to a guy before the popularity of texting. Yet, using your phone to snap a quick boob shot and texting it to your boyfriend seems to be no big deal. If you wouldn’t print the picture out and hand it to the guy, then you shouldn’t text it. And guys — girls do not want pictures of your penis. So stop sending them.

15. Lack of Social Bonds

Creating a lasting bond with other people requires face-to-face interaction. The more we isolate ourselves with technology the fewer bonds we will form. People are expected to do more work at home which takes away time they would be spending with their families. Also, younger people prefer communicating online versus face-to-face. When people are in the same room and communicating via text or instant messaging instead of speaking to each other, there’s a problem.

16. Constant Distraction

When we are focused on a device instead of what’s going on around us we miss a great deal. Think of the number of times you have been texting or talking to a friend and missed the opportunity to flirt with the hot guy standing beside you. There is also a rise in the number of injuries incurred by people texting while walking.

17. Neck and Head Pain

Constantly looking down at devices can cause neck pain and over time will cause the neck to lose its natural curve. Eyestrain can also cause headaches, blurred vision and migraines.

18. Shortened Attention Span

The use of social media has shortened our attention span from 12 minutes to 5 minutes. Constant news feeds, getting information in 140 characters and videos that are 10 minutes or less has literally rewired our brains. People who are online an average of 5 hours a day have trouble remembering people’s names, forget pots on the stove and even their own birthday.

19. Addiction

People are not only dependent on technology they are also addicted to it. Studies have shown that when cell phones are taken away subjects heard or felt fathom vibrations, continuously reached for phones that weren’t there and became fidgety and restless. These are some of the same withdrawal symptoms you would expect from doing drugs.

20. Lack of Empathy

The constant stream of violent scenes on video games, TV, movies and YouTube causes people to become desensitized to destruction of any kind. The normalizing of bad things happening and the culture of narcissism created by social media creates a society of people who lack empathy. When people stop caring, the world goes to hell in a hand basket.

21. More Violence

After people lose empathy and are accustomed to violence, it becomes the social norm. Teenage girls are videoing themselves violently beating another girl; the number of school shootings are rising and videos of people attacking homeless people are a few examples of violent behavior caused by media.

22. Higher Energy Consumption

Although individual devices are becoming more energy efficient, the increased overall use is causing a higher consumption of energy. People don’t turn their devices off; they keep computers on or plugged in, mobile devices charging and televisions plugged in. Also manufacturing all of these high tech toys causes an increase in greenhouse gas emissions.

23. Developmental Issues in Children

Children are using more technology now than they have ever used in the past. All of the negative effects that social media and television is having on adults are far greater when it comes to the developing minds of children. There is no way to know what long term effect technology will have on our children because this is the first generation to have unlimited access.

24. Neurosis

Technology causes people to suffer from mental and emotional disturbances, such as anxiety, phobias and delusions, which are all symptoms of neurosis. Being convinced you’re very ill after looking up strange diseases on WebMD or thinking you are famous because you have had a viral video are a couple of ways technology neurosis manifests itself.

25. Loss of Hearing and Eyesight

Using headphones and ear buds can cause people to lose their hearing over time. Likewise, straining your eyes looking at computer and device screens can cause people to need glasses much earlier in life.

Be more mindful of the time you spend using technology. If you have longer conversations with Siri than you do with real people, it’s probably time to put the phone down. Force yourself to have an electronic-free day or weekend. When you go on vacation, don’t take your phone or at least put it on “do not disturb”. Creating balance will help you enjoy the benefits of technology without becoming a mindless internet zombie.

[ednbillscandyco]

Can Marijuana Edibles Help in Curing Migraines?

With 12 percent of the world’s population suffering from migraines, anything that can help relieve the gruelling pain is welcome. This is especially true if this cure doesn’t come with any long-term side effects. For most people, their go-to cures are ibuprofen and paracetamol. Recently, though, migraine sufferers are starting to look into marijuana. Read on as we look at the relationship between weed and migraines, as well as the best strains to relieve migraine pain.

Differentiating Normal Headaches and Migraines

Usually confused with normal tension headaches, migraines are recurring headaches occurring at least 15 times a month. Tension headaches create an unpleasant pressure on the scalp, forehead and neck, ranging from mild to severe. It’s symmetrical in nature and lasts from a few hours to a couple of days. It is usually caused by anxiety and stress.

With migraines, you’ll experience pain on only one side of the head, behind an ear, eye or in the temples. In some cases, light sensitivity and even temporary vision loss can develop. About 25 percent of sufferers experience visual disturbance, which they describe as seeing blurred light and geometric patterns in their peripheral vision. Migraines can last for four to 72 hours.

The causes of migraines are still uncertain, but it’s been linked to certain genetic and environmental factors. Chronic migraine sufferers have noted that some things and situations trigger an attack, such as loud noises, particular smells, certain medications, and bright lights. Statistics show that more women suffer from migraines than men, which might show that hormones play a role.

Clinical Research on Cannabis and Migraines

The relationship between marijuana and migraines is a growing interest for clinicians. A study published in 1987 looked into a group’s increased frequency of migraines following decreased weed consumption. From this study, the researchers concluded that weed might be masking the migraine pain, which ceased when the subjects stopped using cannabis.

Another study in 2016 experimented on 21 adults diagnosed with migraines. The participants were made to use migraine medications along with medical cannabis for four years, and were subjected to regular check-ups. The average migraine episodes dropped among those who used marijuana. The patients reported that marijuana helped in preventing migraines and lessened the intensity.

One more research study in 2004 looked into the mechanism of how cannabis impacts migraine headaches. From the study, 85 percent of the subjects reported a reduction in the frequency of their migraines. Many studies support this finding, showing that marijuana can reduce the frequency of migraine episodes and intensity of the pain.

The Best Marijuana Edibles for Chronic Migraines

Cannabis has different effects on different people. So if you’re considering using it to help with your migraine, it’s advisable that you test different strains to find the one that’s most effective for you. There are so many strains available today and finding the right one can take some time. Get started with the ten strains listed below.

●        Blue Dream (17-24% THC)

●        Chocolope (18-21% THC)

●        Canna-Tsu (10% THC, 10% CBD)

●        God’s Gift (18-22% THC)

●        Granddaddy Purple (17-23% THC)

●        Holy Ghost (28% THC)

●        OG Kush (19-26% THC)

●        Purple Urkle (20% THC)

●        Stephen Hawking Kush (5% THC, 5% CBD)

●        White Widow (18-25% THC)

Migraines can be very annoying, not to mention painful. If conventional medications don’t work for you, perhaps you’ll finally find relief with marijuana edibles. Edibles are a great choice for people who want to try weed but don’t want smoke irritating their lungs. Edibles might take a while to prepare and process, but its effects are definitely stronger and last longer compared to other known conventional weed consumption methods.

[disaster-goose]

This is the story of how I tried to access mental health help in the United States and how it only made everything so much worse. It’s not meant to discourage anyone from asking for help or from taking medication if they need it. I just need to write it down, because at the moment I am on the verge of a panic attack and I need to do something with my hands. So I’m going to tell you the story. 

This is a long post, so I’ll save you all and put it under a “Keep Reading”

Content warning: This post contains discussions about mental health, including suicidal ideation and self harm. 

A little background: I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD when I was 14. I spent my teens and early twenties on various SSRI Antidepressants that only made things worse. I was extremely emotionally unstable. I was so unstable that I had a modified education plan in high school. My therapist had meetings with my school. That’s how serious it was. 

Sometime in my twenties, I stopped taking medication. I went to therapy. I got a degree in Psychology. I went to grad school. I left my abusive ex. I came out to my family. I got away from the toxic people in my life. My depression went into remission. I say remission because once you have depression, you’re always at risk of another episode. That’s just reality. 

Last fall a lot of things went wrong all at once. I had a huge falling out with my family after I put my foot down and refused to tolerate my mom’s manipulative behavior. I was on the verge of going no-contact. Two weeks later my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I was consumed by guilt. 

At the same time I was dealing with financial problems, physical health problems, and a variety of life stress that I wasn’t coping with very well. 

In October I spent two weeks in my home town while my dad received cancer treatment. Being in my home town was hard. I revisited a lot of painful memories. 

In November... Well, we all know what happened in November.

In December I called my mom. It was a few days before Christmas and I called for a friendly chat. I had decided we wouldn’t talk politics. She decided that we would talk politics. It was bad. I hung up the phone and fantasized about all the ways I might kill myself. I can’t even remember Christmas. 

In January I saw my primary care physician (Lana) for a follow-up on my various health conditions. In the fall I’d been told that I was critically anemic, so anemic it might kill me if I didn’t get it under control. By January not much had improved. Because I’d previously disclosed a history of mental health issues, my appointment included a depression screener. I was severely, dangerously depressed. 

Lana said she would refer me to the in-house counselor (Bret) who would then refer me to the in-house Psychiatrist (Colleen). Both of these people were so overbooked and overworked that it would be months before I could see them. I was hopeful. I wanted counseling. I wanted someone to sit with me while I unpacked my guilt and grief. 

Lana warned me that she was leaving the practice soon and that while she would be comfortable prescribing medication for my depression, none of the other doctors in the practice would prescribe psychiatric medications until I saw the Psychiatrist (in three months). 

I didn’t know how I would survive those three months of waiting, but I didn’t want medication either. I just wanted a counselor. I told her about how bad I reacted to SSRI antidepressants. I told her about the instability, the self-harm, the constant suicidal ideation. She agreed that SSRIs were a bad option for me, she thought I had Bipolar 2 (which is like classic Bipolar except the manic episodes are less severe. People with any kind of Bipolar disorder should not take SSRI medication alone. It causes exactly the kind of mood destabilization I’d experienced. 

Lana told me about a drug I’d never tried before. Lamotrigine. It’s a medication for seizures that has shown some promise in treating bipolar disorder. Before agreeing to take it, I did tons of research. A lot of people liked it. A lot of people called it a miracle pill. It had very few listed side-effects, as long as you weren’t one of the rare unlucky people that got a potentially deadly rash. 

I filled the prescription for Lamotrigine, but I waited to take it. I wasn’t sure. I had managed to get an appointment with Brett sooner than I’d expected, so I waited to see him. 

In the meantime, my most recent lab results came back. I was still severely anemic, and apparently I was also severely vitamin D deficient. Anemia can cause symptoms that mimic depression and low vitamin D can actually cause depression. 

I had my first appointment with Brett. I hated him instantly. He was smug. He didn’t listen to me. He was more concerned with filling out his case notes than actually talking to me. He was upset that I hadn’t started the Lamotrigine yet. He was dismissive of my concerns. He put “Noncompliant” in my chart. He talked down to me. I told him that I had gone to grad school and studied counseling psychology. He still talked down to me. 

Lana had said that Brett would do an intake and refer me to a counselor. “I just have to suffer through one intake with him,” I told myself. As it turns out, there are no other counselors. There isn’t a single other counselor within 50 miles of me that takes my insurance. The “counselor” Brett referred me to was himself, and because of the overburdened mental health system, I was entitled to just 20 minutes of “counseling” every two weeks. Five to ten of those 20 minutes were spent on a depression screener and the rest were consumed by Brett tapping away at his computer to fill in his case notes. 

During one session Brett told me to choose a word that represented a “safe place” and to repeat that word to myself when I was anxious or upset. In another session he told me to dunk my head in a bucket of water when I was having a panic attack. 

After a particularly bad session wit Brett, I go home in tears and call my insurance company and every counselor in my town. No one accepts my insurance. No one can help me. 

In four months of bi-weekly sessions with Brett, he has never once asked about the events that precipitated my depressive episode. He never asks me about ANYTHING except my work life and my relationship. Every session he forgets the details of both. 

After two horrible sessions with Brett, I caved and started taking the Lamotrigine out of pure desperation. Because of the risk of a life-threatening rash, I had to increase my dosage very slowly over the course of two months. In those two months nothing improved and my anxiety actually got worse. 

In May I finally increased my dosage of Lamotrigine to a theraputic level. I met with Colleen (the psychiatrist) and liked her immediately. She listened to me. She respected my autonomy. She considered the physical, psychological, emotional and social aspects of my depression. She told me to give Lamotrigine a try and see her again in two months. 

It’s June and I’ve been on a therapeutic dose of Lamotrigine for a month now. Every day feels worse than the last. I am so anxious that I have to take sleeping pills to get to sleep at night. I’m so depressed that I just want to lie down and go to sleep in the middle of the day. I cry over small frustrations. I am plagued by intrusive thoughts and obsessions (new symptoms that I’ve never experienced before). I put clothes in the dryer and obsess over the idea that the dryer will catch fire. Car headlights flash in my bedroom window and I am consumed by the idea that home intruders are coming to kill us all. 

In the evenings when I’m done with all of my responsibilities, I obsess over the idea that if I just cut myself I’d feel so much better. The thought replays through my head over and over, like a fucking Linkin Park song that won’t get out of my head. 

I feel dull. I feel flat. I can’t enjoy anything. I feel emotionally disconnected everyone around me. I have two emotional states: numb and angry. 

I try to distract myself with my hobbies, but I’ve lost interest in everything. I play Stardew Valley for hours. I don’t enjoy it anymore, but it’s calming. It’s something to do. It’s something to keep my hands occupied. 

Besides all these psychological symptoms, I’m physically sicker than I was before. I have headaches every day. I grind my teeth and now have to wear a night guard so that I don’t wake up in excruciating pain. My neck is so tense that I can’t turn my head. 

A few days ago I had another session with Brett. I tell him all of this in detail. I describe the intrusive thoughts, the new symptoms, the misery. I tell him I feel worse than I did before. He taps away on his computer, sending a message to Colleen. 

Brett reframes my statements and says that my mania is well controlled but that my depression is lingering. I wasn’t manic to begin with, so how is my mania now well controlled? I tell him firmly that this isn’t lingering depression. This is something new. It’s horrible. It’s intolerable. It’s worse than it was before. I look at his screen as he types away. I’m now “high risk”. 

This morning I woke up to a call from Colleen. Despite all my efforts to explain things clearly to Brett, the message he sent her includes none of my own words. He’s told her that the medication is controlling my mania very well and that I have lingering depression. His notes don’t include anything about the new symptoms, the obsessions, or the intrusive thoughts. 

I spend 30 minutes explaining myself all over again, but Colleens’ judgement has already be clouded by Brett’s assessment. I can already imagine exactly what my case notes say. “Non-compliant, poor insight, high risk.” I know what my case notes look like because I had peers just like Brett when I was in grad school. Arrogant pricks who couldn’t listen to what their clients were saying. I wouldn’t be surprised if my file also includes something like “suspected borderline personality disorder” because even though I don’t meet any of the criteria, I’m a woman, I’m queer, and I have a history of self-harm. Often, that’s all it takes. 

Fortunately, Colleen isn’t like Brett. She respected my autonomy, and though her tone indicated that she thought I was making a mistake, she respected my decision when I said I wanted off the Lamotrigine. I explained to her that I wanted to consider the possibility that this depressive episode was triggered by physical problems (Anemia, Vitamin D deficiency). She said she understood, but she seemed skeptical. She gave me instructions on how to safely discontinue the Lamotrigine, and what dosage of Vitamin D to take. 

I see Colleen again in a month.  She will probably be waiting for me to crash and burn before I agree to try another medication.

I see Brett again in two weeks. He will write “Non-compliant” in my case notes again and probably tell me to stick my head in a bucket. 

I still have no access to a counselor.