#im already so fucking tired and dealing with so much shit and overwhelmed when im on my own

[magnoliamyrrh]

.

[star-mum]

Gar and Jason with a Physically Affectionate!Reader

A/N: I was going to do the whole team but I got overwhelmed 🫠 as always I’ll pepper in the fact that I’m brazilian, platonic physical affection is very common here and since it’s not in the US – culturally at least – and these bitches are all emotionally constipated and touch starved, i thought their reactions to casual touches might be ! I also based these headcanons – mostly – on how my friends and I treat each other ! 

This kinda morphed into a different thing altogether as I wrote it but anyways, Im tagging @pinkchubbiebunnie (i was itching to just send you this undone the whole time) and @trice-divergent (you’re literally watching me type this out – creep – but thank you for helping me with the older Titans, I was struggling)

Garfield Logan:

the most physically affectionate out all of the Titans, and even so that’s not saying much -> they’re all a little touch starved

He’s normally the one who offers up hugs when needed, who initiates it 

I feel like only giving/getting hugs when things are bad would condition him a little to only expect that when shitty things are happening 

So he’s very confused — but pleasantly so — when reader just offers physical affection when good things happen and sometimes just because

Ranges from simple almost impersonal stuff like “hey good job at training” hi-fives to really sweet tender moments like holding his hand, caressing his face or cuddling for movie nights or when one — or both — of them can’t sleep

Let's assume you’re not yet in a relationship: he’s so flustered ALL. THE. TIME. Always finds excuses to be near you so you’ll be able to touch him, weather that’d be lightly slapping his arm when you’re talking about something you excited about, booping his nose whenever he looks too serious

For PDA I think Gar actually really likes it, as long as it's tasteful, you know? 

Like holding hands? Yes! Please hold his hand when going out or during movie nights or just whenever ! 

Holding onto his arm and/or leaning on him during team meetings or when waiting in line for something? He always gets so giddy when ppl can see how much you like being near him

Hugging/cuddling/cradling his face —> please do! It calms him down, also just feels nice to both be so casually close and feeling wanted in front of other ppl (like you’re not embarrassed or ashamed of him) 

Jason Todd:

he honestly looks like he’d bite your hand off if you tried to touch him

Is dealing with that weird period of being touch starved -> loathes being touched x craves physical affection

Would for sure say some awful fuck boy shit if you keep touching his arms to get his attention, I cringe just thinking about it (i crave him)

if you’re not dating, whenever a touch is a little too tender and sweet he’d feel the need to compensate or hide how much it made his heart race with some either mean or flirty bullshit 

if you are in a relationship though, i feel like the flirting would get so much worst -> the team hates you – not really – every time another “babe” comes out of his mouth, fake gags can be heard all throughout the Tower

PDA = he’s gross, terrible, disgusting – i must have him –  really doesn't care who is/isn't around will be as touchy as he feels like

definitely gets a habit of slapping your ass, its not even a sexual thing – for the most part – but the first time it happens in one of the common areas the room gets deadly silent →I don't know who’d be more mad about it, you or one of the grown adults who have just been subjected to that

Extra - Platonic Team Reactions (i had some of these already written down so why not)

Rachel Roth:

she really likes to give her friends hugs !!

too shy and nervous to make anyone uncomfortable so she rarely goes for it tho : /

I think she’s always cold – like her hands are always a bit cold – so I also think she’d like holding hands, specially if your hands are more warm then not

tired and sleepy always – her powers seem tiring – so can and will just take a nap on your shoulders whenever, it's pretty impressive actually

Conner Kent:

he’s just an overgrown toddler, you honor → feel like once you start with the hi-fives or fist bumps, he gets too used to it to stop or question it

“yes, this pasta definitely requires a fist bump, you're absolutely right”

the embodiment of “if i run and leap at Terry right now he'd definitely catch me in his arms” → you tried this once !! no one managed to get the coffee stains off the carpet after that : D

Miscellaneous:

Kory Anders: not one to initiate physical contact but that doesn't mean she dislikes it; due to her powers, i assume her skin is always warm -> so if you’re cold – like Rachel – she really doesn't mind holding your hand so you feel better 

Dick Grayson: awkward dad mode engaged; not used to it at all – thanks Bruce, father of the fucking year – but i can see him resorting to those awkward head pats (Jeff to Annie in Community), starts with him not knowing what to do to it kinda becoming his thing 

Hank Hall: definitely the type to give shoulder like taps/slap dad’s do when they are proud of you, completely underestimates his own strength tho → they don't hurt !! but if you're distracted/not expecting you’ll definitely be thrown out of balance a little; other than that I don't see him initiating much, but if you need/ask for a hug he’ll definitely provide !! 

Dawn Granger: mom friend ? Mom friend ! Gives the nicest hugs and somehow always knows when you need one; head pats but they're not awkward like when Dick does it

Donna Troy: I don’t think she’s very touchy ! doesn't mind if you need a hug or something, but she’s definitely not one to initiate or seek it

[lunar-lair]

and the galaxy stops breathing.

(slams open the door, grin wild. @ashwii SURPRISE BITCH! one more celestial au fic for the road before i pass the fuck out, holy shit im tired. this one, accordingly, might be low quality, but yes this is the full version of the outline i sent to your inbox and i hope you and everyone else who loves the star boy enjoys!! long story short, for those not in the know, i HAD to do something about nova and supernova leo. like, had to. i kind of lost steam towards the middle or end or so? but like, i was already in it lmao i just kind of kept going. btw warnigs for like, all of the boys dying. thats the whole idea. also aprils death is referenced. nothing graphic, like blood? just stars exploding. still death though)

It was one of those days again.

Leo was hidden away in some far corner of the universe, and they could still see his light, bright and blinding.

It was just something that happened, sometimes. Came with the star-embodiment package, it seemed. 

While real stars went nova when they got too close to a white giant or got some extra fuel, Leo always went nova when he was overwhelmed.

It was like his emotions were the fuel, instead, fire to a flame. Or, well, hydrogen and heat to a star. As soon as he got too angry or sad or overwhelmed, he’d curl into themselves, and they’d all know to step back.

It was always so blinding. They all theorized it had something to do with him being every star, hundreds of thousands bundled up in one spot. It was like every star in the universe was going nova, right then and there. 

They had workarounds. Helping Leo calm down when he needed it, making sure they knew when he was getting to that point. And he found his own, too, ways to calm down and ways to distract himself, to stop himself from going there.

It always hurt. 

Not a ton. Nothing…no, not searing, the way many stars dying at once felt, the way April had described things like breaking bones or getting burned. But it ached, on the inside. Like everyone gathered together, to ask what was wrong, to help, and it only weighed heavy on the inside of his chest.

The fact he was worrying them only hurt him more. 

But, sometimes, he couldn’t help it. Sometimes, he got caught up in things and couldn’t get away and before he knew it he had more emotions than he knew what to deal with and they were sinking, sinking, like a stones in a pond, determined to find his core and light it ablaze.

And he did. 

It felt like fire. Burning, in a good way, letting off steam and warm heat, and in a bad way, like he was melting from the inside out.

When they’d told April about it, she’d hummed. “So kind of like a breakdown?”

And once she’d explained it…yeah. Yeah, it was.

It was Leo’s super special diva breakdown, where the whole universe could see his tears. 

Great. (Stars hide during the day for a reason.)

Leo can’t go nova down on Earth, in his less-celestial form (thank god) so April has never seen it up close, but everytime she sees an oddly bright star in the sky at night, she wonders and worries. 

Half the time she’s right about it being him.

He always tries to hide, as best he can. Saturn is always ready and willing to hide him behind their rings, let him shrink and compact as much as his malleable, transient form allows. 

But his brothers always find him.

Raph always holds him close, so bright compared to him, no matter how blinding Leo may seem at the moment. And he’s always so warm, warm in a way Leo’s stars could never achieve. Mikey always leans in close, never heeding the bright light-”My comets shine as bright as this all the time, Lee! I’m fine,” he claimed, once, and never failed to bring it up when Leo asked why he was so close-and letting small comets in the palm of his hand distract him. Donnie always manages to stand it, even though he’s made for darkness, more than the rest of them, and talks and talks and talks, about anything and everything, until Leo calms down. 

He slowly dims in their hands until they can truly see him again, no longer hidden yet calling out to the world that he’s hurting (because of course he just has to be contradictory like that, huh), and they keep him there until he pushes them away. Or until Mikey starts to squirm, or Raph needs the sun to rise. Depends on the night.

No matter where Leo runs to, they always find him. Sometimes, he knows its impossible for them to follow the light. And yet, they appear regardless, by his side in a split second. Always there to give him back his soft light, always there to pour water over the burns. 

He never thought he’d have to deal with that without one of them.

None of them ever thought that far ahead. To when they’d all burn out.

But stars die, and collapse. 

And Raph is losing some of himself, every day, closer and closer to the same collapse every other star has been through. 

And Donnie will fall apart without Earth’s orbit. 

And Mikey, his comets, they rely on its perfect gravity. 

It’s been hundreds of thousands of years since April passed. She was a bright spot in their life, one of the many they protected, yet so treasured among them. There are still stars that name themselves after her, there are still minor planets here and there that they’ve named in her honor. 

For a long while, that’s the only loss they have to deal with.

And then, Raph starts going supernova. 

It’s a little slow, thank the Gods. He gets to say goodbye to them, and so does Donnie, when they realize what this means, and so does Mikey, after gentle coaxing.

They all ask Leo to take care of this universe for them.

Stars don’t need earth to exist. Not the way his brothers do. He…he’ll still have his family, he thinks to himself. Not all of it, not the parts of it he’s lived with his whole life, but…

He’ll be ok.

It’ll be alright.

Stars die. Things change. We live, we move on.

Leo knew that.

It still hurt. It still hurt so, so much. 

Raph went supernova, giving them all one last grin.

Leo stood to the side and said his goodbyes as Donnie laid down on his moon and slept, never to wake up again. He’d likely disappear with it when it fell apart, someday, due to the gravity change and the atmosphere. But the moon the Earth knew would die with them.

Mikey sends out his last comets, and says to him, voice fading, “Keep things bright for us while we’re gone.”

He goes nova the moment Raph collapses. 

Every star in the galaxy follows in sympathy, reaching past their scientific matter and towards their caretaker, their father, their grieving soul and body and everything they were. 

The last thing Earth gets to see is a starry lightshow like they never have before.

And everything falls away.

Most of the planets die with Raph, needing his warmth to survive. Most of the moons stay in tact, but (nearly blessedly, and it’s a terrifying thought), Earth’s moon is destroyed along with it, shrapnel from the planet falling apart when the sun caved in. 

And so, for the most part, it’s just Leo and his stars.

They grieve together. For a long, long time. He doesn’t know how long. 

He was always grieving, for these stars and then for them, til his last breath.

But, eventually, they move on. Live for however long than can, in this quiet universe.

He had already mellowed with age, but he finds himself becoming weary and quiet. He lost all of the brightness Raph had given him, all the contemplation Donnie bounced back, all the loud excitement Mikey gave him.

He was left only with his star’s soft light, mellow and quiet and cold.

It was always cold, then. Raph was all the warmth this universe had. 

It was so, so cold.

He keeps moving, despite despite despite. They told him to take care of what was left of this universe. 

He could do at least that, for them. After everything he never could.

Couldn’t be anything they were. Couldn’t hide his novas, couldn’t be quiet, couldn’t be reflective, couldn’t be understanding.

He was just the stars. A gentle glow. 

And that’s all this universe has, now, but it’s something.

At least his stars are happy. 

He notices, a little beforehand, that there are no new stars forming. Despite the elements being there, despite the normal frequency.

He’s a little slower, these days, bogged down by ancient memories and grief, but it comes to him.

Oh. There are no more stars to be made.

There are no more stars for him to greet.

He feels it, sudden, like a nail in the coffin.

He’s been cold ever since Raph left, ever since the universe lost its warmth, but this is something freezing, deep in his bones. 

This is more than an atmospheric change.

The stars know, instant, because of course they do.

It’s a fleeting little thing, tears and stardust, i love you’s and goodbyes.

When Leo goes, they go too. 

So, they gather together, refusing to leave a single one of them alone in this. 

Leo just gets colder, and colder, and colder. He curls into himself, on instinct, to try and warm himself. 

He wonders, vaguely, if he sped up the process.

Suddenly, there’s a blinding light-

And he feels himself crushed under his own weight. 

The last sign of life the milky way sees is the bright, bright light of hundreds of thousands of stars collapsing in on themselves all at once. 

It nearly rivals the sun. And what irony. What a pity. That he could only be like his eldest brother, the warmest and the sunniest and the most vital of them all, in his last moments. 

It’s the last hope, fading. The final hurrah.

The last of them, the soul of the universe, warm and soft, winking out of existence.

There’s nothing now.

It still stands, yes, but it’s quiet. Silent. 

There is nothing but the brightspots left behind by Leo, soon to fade.

Life slowly closes the book on this universe, and Knowledge catalogues Leo’s demise, both grim, and understanding.

The milky way blinks out of existence, without a breath to spare.

[6pigkisses]

Tw vent ed

I hate living being myself rn. I don’t want to hurt anybody. I literally just want to be skinny, that’s it. I don’t know how I got to this point. It just feels like a blur. I didn’t meab to get to this point. I didn’t mean to hide my weight from my girlfriend. I didn’t mean to be deceptive. I just hate myself. If she decides to break up with me of course I can’t stop her. Is it bad that I’m so scared though? And I didn’t like how she talked to me and how her tone was? I know she’s mad and hurt but fuck I feel hurt. So I thought it was just not gonna do any good to talk to eachother now. But I really didn’t want to be away from her. Honestly right now I don’t want to be alone at all. I just don’t feel like I deserve to eat at all. I didn’t mean for it to come to this. I feel so fucking shitty though cause I know she’s struggled with disordered eating too. Is it bad that I just want some comfort now? When I was talking to her she tried but just knowing how much she’s dealing with already + the disputes we have been having makes me feel like it’ll just be irredeemable at this point. And I just feel like a burden, like I’ll just overwhelm her more. I just feel useless to everyone not gonna lie. And I feel like shit eating. Oh yea we’re just going on a fucking fast, not gonna lie it’s just to loose weight and make me feel less like shit and less guilty becuase I don’t feel like I deserve to eat so much not gonna lie, that’s just such a big part of it for me. I mean of fuckibg course I want to be skinny and look better in clothes and feel like I should be here but such a good chunk of it is not feeling like I should fucking eat anyways. I don’t even feel like I should do basic hygiene if Im not gonna be in the presence of someone else (therefore I should do hygiene becuase it’d be fucking rude and that’s the least I could do). I have a bad feeling that my partner is just gonna break up with me I can’t help but feel like that’d be good for her cause I’m such a fucking mess. Before I never wanted her to see this super fucking insecure side of me. I wanted to be the person she can lean on cause she goes through way worse shit than me of course. I want to be reliable to her but now I’m just a fucking mess and I keep being a fucking mess. I keep crying like a nasty disgusting animal while her brother is in her room. She must be so fucking embarrassed and ashamed and dissapointed and tired. I’m tired of being me sometimes

[mycomori]

haven’t seen or spoken to anyone since i got home which is a big change from last night gojng out with friends. one roommate is home but hasn’t come out of her room since ive been home. with having to move out soon looming over me im really starting to get anxious and overwhelmed about all the things i have to change in a matter of a few months when so much change is already happening and it feels like i wanna enjoy this change for a little while in my house like ive only been sober again for a month and now im moving back to my parents place so i can then move to live at college 10 hours north where i know no one. i feel like so much of my time here in this house is somehow tainted by me struggling with drinking but like that would mean my parents house is just as tainted in that sense cause i d drank there too. i don’t know man. i’m just really fucking exhausted the last two days have been very stressful and a lot of running around and responsibility just on me and triggers and having to be an emotional support and professional the whole time as well while trying to just stay together is exhausting. i’m so tired. this all feels like too much too fast but i can’t stop it now. i know this is the best change for me. fuck i hope it is. if i waste the money FINALLY going to college and don’t like it there i may just have to off myself for good but yknow i could also do literally anything else. i’m trying not to get too anxious but everything is really overwhelming. and on top of it im dealing with so much shit inside my head just to exist. i need a very long very deep sleep. a bone deep sleep.

[dumpdaily]

i feel so abandoned by everything

i know i make things worse for myself sometimes but fuck dude im so tired

i hate having to constantly fight myself. i hate pretending like people care more than they do.

its so easy to feed the bullshit in your brain. no one cares about you etc etc. ignoring peoples efforts and ignoring your own shortcomings just fucks you over. so easy to believe that no one cares, that no one is there. partly because i am largely out of contact with people. partly because i talk to all of maybe 5 people each month with a large variance on how often we talk (sometimes not talking to anyone at all in a day or week). its so easy to fall for the lie that no one gives a shit, especially when you forget interactions.

but it is also painful to see the lack of interaction. even if its hindered by your own bullshit. its hard knowing that you are often forgotten just because people have lives outside of you. its hard knowing that you value certain social connections with more weight than the other person. sometimes the social connection was entirely imagined... its hard to respect others when you want to take up so much more space in their lives.

i hate that I can sit here and feel so fucking abandoned and then even when a friend says hello after a while I just end up feeling annoyed or angry at them and I dont want to interact with them. i hate that i know i need to make more friends to spread the weight of my social needs across more people but i struggle to connect with people at the best of times and now I dont want to at all. i hate that no matter what i do i seem to end up fucking things up.

and then theres the idea that you should push people away because youre cursed, or a problem for others. for me its the idea that i am just so exhausted from constantly trying my best for so long, from fighting for so long, that I no longer wish to live. before it was that I was so much of a mess mentally i thought it rude to interact with people because why on earth should they have to deal with my shit.

these past 1-2 years have been immeasurably difficult. things started to work out so well only for it to all crumble away again. I had started to feel feelings properly which made the downfall of everything so much more painful than I had ever experienced before. Everything felt so real for a while that it was overwhelming. And then everything seemed to go wrong. which crushed me mentally and then I lashed out there too.

sometimes it feels like i am destined to be alone. people are just passing through. those who stay around me for too long end up cursed too.

I've always felt my luck is strange. The sort of luck that will have me live. Have me bear witness to hell but barely experience it. Keep me alive despite all odds. The sort of luck that keeps me distant. That the isolation I desperately tried to brake was baked in as some sort of safety mechanism.

I always figured luck was just the probability playing out and nothing more. But maybe the system is rigged after all. And maybe I can't do anything about it.

I already spent more than a decade putting in my best effort.

I really wish the people I get close to would stop leaving me behind.

[sweatyluminaryqueen]

11.09.23

I wanted to create a rant blog for some time now. But today is finally the day I guess.

I woke up already tired and in pain. Had to walk my dog (I'll talk about him later). We were outside for maybe 5 minutes. It was already too hot for us both. And we went back to bed. I texted back to my friend (I'll talk about her later too). And I decided to watch a vlog of a delivery guy from my town. I really enjoy watching him.

But then I had a ✨mental breakdown✨. I got so overwhelmed suddenly. Too many things are happening in my life now and I can't deal with any of them. Started crying and had troubles with breathing. I'm so thankful for my baby dog. He's a very big boy, way over 40kg. And he just laid down on me. He helped me calm down and stopped me from hurting myself (I tend to hit myself when I'm sad or angry). He literally licked my tears. My dog is my whole world and my only happiness. Without him I would be dead. And I will be dead the second he's gone. There's nothing else on this world I care about. My baby boy.

Later I decided to order food. I spent way too much money on this shit. Then my parents come back home. And immediately got angry at each other. Father wanted to watch something with my mom, she started watching something on her phone, so father turned the show off and both got angry at each other and stopped talking. The passive aggression is heartbreaking. How am I supposed to know how to love and respect anyone if my parents hate each other.

If the weather was better I would take my dog and leave. But it's over 30 degrees Celsius. And none of us would bear even half an hour outside. Im happy it will be a little colder in few days.

And tomorrow I was supposed to go pick up raspberries with my friends but the owner called and said that only one of us can go. So I was left out. I wanted to go because I would earn at least some money. My father is angry at me that I "don't do anything". I'm really trying to find a job, but no one wants me. Even for stupid raspberry picking. Not good enough for anything I guess.

I'm too fucked up mentally to live a normal life, but I'm too broke to seek help. The irony of existing

[simpcxty]

You said you needed ideas so hear me out-

Sfw- trans! Reader (ftm) with Tsukishima who gives tough love and hates it when you have really bad dysphoria days. Snaps at anyone who misgenders you.

NSFW- oikawa would be such a tease when you get needy and shit. Like this fucker would tease you after you beg because he told you to beg.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!! You have given me brain fuel, and for that. I love you 🧡

I have never written something in one day. Thank you, you have truly inspired me 😩👏

TW for Tsukishima: deadnaming and misgendering, deadname is your choice, but Y/n will be for your new name and Y/d/n for your dead name because no dads are mentioned here. Gets a little angsty but they figure it out.

I didn’t want to be disrespectful to anyone and choose a name that might be someone’s new name or dead name.

Also I’m sorry if my writing isn’t accurate for a ftm character. I did my best and I really hope you like it!

I did my best with the tough love but it does get a bit fluffy tbh.

Kei Tsukishima

Kei always tries.

He really does. You guys had started dating before you came out, and the switch from your dead name to Y/n had him caught off guard.

So did the sudden shift of pronouns.

But he didn’t leave, so he was trying to do his best all right?

But he’s already bad with emotions, these are a different kind that he doesn’t even know how to approach.

So he gives it the same energy he does with everything else.

Today though.

Something was very odd about today.

His normal words had you flashing him your best fake smile and turning away from him.

And trust me, he could tell the difference.

But for now, he chose not to comment.

Will it be one of those days today?

You didn’t like to talk about your Dysphoria but Kei always picked up on it.

Or at least he tried to.

He even had a custom made chest binder coming in the mail that should be here any day now.

But when you leave the room after Kei’s not incorrect but painfully blunt statement went straight to your very soul.

He replays the conversation in his head to see where he messed up.

He found himself doing that a lot.

‘I get that you’re trying Kei. It just sucks that other people don’t even bother.���

‘I don’t really think it’s that big of a deal. They’re stupid people who don’t even matter at least I’m trying. Imagine if I wasn’t?’

It made you question everything.

Did he even want to be trying?

Why are you being a nuisance?

Why are you putting him through this. He’s got much more important things to be focusing on as a senior in college this year.

You’re finally being true to yourself and putting him through unnecessary stress aren’t you? What is wrong with you?

All of these thoughts and more swarmed your head as you leaned against the bathroom counter trying to catch your breathing.

Stop it. Stop being such a big crybaby.

Kei Tsukishima doesn’t need a crybaby.

Why does it have to hurt so damn bad to just be a girl? He’d like you so much more as a girl.

“Y/n..?” His voice sounds so tired.

Damn it Y/n. Get your fucking shit together.

“Please talk to me.. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that babe.. I just-“ his eyes almost seem dull when you open the door, only to brighten when you open the door and he gets a good view of you.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say it like that, I just- I don’t, I don’t know how to handle this sometimes, but I don’t want you to think I don’t care. It’s just new, and I can get adjusted-“ he feels his heart clench a bit when your next words come out.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I couldn’t just stay who I was, I’m sorry I couldn’t just be a girl for-“ and he’s grabbing your face with his palms as tears start to well up in his eyes.

“Shut up. Shut up, because I love you however I can have you. I love you. I just want you, please don’t get confused and think I have a preference because I just want you Y/n. I love you, no matter who you are. Please don’t forget that.” The tears streaming down your face slow as he kisses your head and wraps his arms around you.

“Im sorry Kei.” He kisses your head again.

“Shh, stop it. Stop apologizing. You have nothing to apologize for babe, we do need to finish getting ready for class though okay?” You nod and he smiles.

———

When you get to school, he can almost feel the anxiety wafting from you.

But he doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arm around you and pull you along with him.

“You have me, okay? I’m just as much yours as you are mine babe.” You nod and expect him to pull him arm away, and he does, only to entangle his hand in yours.

“Tsukishima!” No- because he recognizes that annoyingly high pitched voice, and he’s not in the mood for it. Nor will you be.

So he picks up speed. Keeping his hand tight around yours and pulling you in front of him, only to wrap his arms around you slightly and speed up even more.

“Kei what are you doing?” You think he’s going to ignore you until he speaks up finally.

“Don’t want to deal with her.”

“Y/d/n can you-“ he stops right in his tracks and turns around to acknowledge the blonde.

“Alisa is it? See how easy was that? I wasn’t even sure. You know for a fact that isn’t the proper name that he goes by. So correct yourself, or don’t talk to my boyfriend or me. Got it?” She goes to speak again but Tsukishima already has you two walking again and his ears are flushed.

“Tsuki-?” You’re blushing and he tightens his grip on your waist.

“It wasn’t right, I’ll correct anyone who gets it wrong. Even myself.” You smiled and he manages to crack a small one.

Kei Tsukishima always tries.

———————————————————————

NSFW CONTENT AHEAD

I didn’t know if you still wanted a ftm character so this one is just written female.

READ RESPONSIBLY PLEASE

Characters aged up 18+

“Beg.” You scoffed.

“I don’t beg.” Your hips are rising as he pressed his thumb harder against your clit and you whimper.

“I won’t do anything more until you beg.” You rolled your eyes and attempt to sit up. Only for him to wrap a hand around your throat and push you back down.

“Toru, I don’t beg-“ he tightens his grip around your throat and you whine.

“I said, beg.” The way he demands it in your ear has your thighs attempting to clam shut.

Key word, attempting.

“Are you gonna listen to a single thing I say princess? Or am I gonna have to leave you here like this?” You looked up at him desperately and his grip around your neck loosens a bit.

“Please, please just fuck me already. I need it Toru, it’s been too long please just do it already-“ you’re cut off with whines as his tip prods at your entrance, but the pressure on your clit is still hard and you know he’s waiting for more.

“Please! Please fuck me! I need you Toru please!” He chuckles and pushes in agonizingly slowly.

“Like you said babe, it’s been too long. I need to go easy on your pretty pussy.” You whine at that.

“Don’t want you to go easy- just fuck me rough please!” Tears of frustration pool in your eyes and he laughs.

“Awe, don’t cry princess, I’ll give you what you want. You begged so nicely.” The sudden snap of his hips has you unable to respond to his taunt.

Yeah so what you begged. You’re getting dicked down by this god of a man. I’d say that’s a win.

His hands were both on your hips now as he thrusted into as if his life depended on it.

“Missed you so much.” He whines and a particularly hard thrust has you reaching up to wrap your arms around his neck.

The new position has you sliding down on his dick so much easier, and the way he can just lift you up and down quickly has him whining more.

“M’gonna cum. Off.” He whimpers as you tighten and start to lift yourself off and grabs your hips. He’s never cum so fast but you don’t mind.

“T-Toru-!” He gasps as you tighten more and his hips thrust up desperately.

“Nevermind, I wanna cum inside. Please, please let me cum inside. You feel so good, just wanna cum inside your warm pussy hnngh~ please!” His hips are starting to falter and you know he’s getting closer as his hands tighten around your waist, lifting you up and down to meet with his sloppy thrusts.

“Please!” He’s begging and you almost laugh.

“Oh god please, just wanna cream inside you please!” He has to stop thrusting and you’d almost think he did cum.

But you knew better. His nails digging into your hips and his ragged breathing against your neck has you melting.

“Did you even really have to ask? Just cum babe.” Your words are so nonchalant that he’s whining and picking up his thrusts again.

“fuckfuckfuckohfuckyes” his voice is messy and it’s almost gibberish.

But as you tighten around him and his hips falter he’s moaning and whimpering into your chest and neck.

“So tight, ngHh shit~” he moans whorishly as you cum around him and cum spurts out of him and into you.

“You fuck me so good. So so good Y/n.” His hips are still sputtering and you’re wondering just how long it’s been since he’s actually gotten off.

“Thank you, Thank you so fucking much baby.” His cum is already spilling out of you and he’s still finishing.

This’ll be a fun cleanup.

He finally lays you down on the bed and lays his head in between the valley on your chest as he catches his breath.

“You begged.” He wraps his arms around you and pulls you closer, making you whimper while he stays inside of you.

“Do I need to remind you how you sounded when you wanted to cum Toru?” His head shoots up at that and his cheeks flush.

“But you’re so warm. So tight and comfy. I didn’t and still don’t want to leave.” He whines and wiggles his hips upward and you whimper. You can’t help but clench as he thrusts up again and whines again.

He keeps up the occasional thrusts. Neither of you have the energy for a second round. That much is obvious. But the bliss is overwhelming.

“Don’t want to pull out yet. Please don’t make me.” He whines and you just clench around him to tease.

“Fuck. Don’t do that. M’still hard and I’m ninety percent sure if you keep doing that I’m gonna stuff your already full pussy again.” You hummed and he wraps his arms around you.

“Empty threats. We’re both too tired, you know we’ll just go again when we wake up.”

“I’m gonna get you pregnant.” He says it confidently, you couldn’t even laugh at the statement. Because he probably and most definitely will.

“I mean if that’s what you want, I wouldn’t mind having a little Oikawa running around.” Almost all his stamina is back in that moment.

Congratulations you have unlocked

Breeding King with Toru Oikawa 🔓

Neither of you ended up sleeping that night.

[killthe-illusionarydreams]

Chronic Emptiness

Fred x reader

After the war

Summary: Y/N having a depressive episode & Fred trying to help her through it. Basically me living vicariously through her. Soft moment.

Warning: Mentions of depression & plainly feeling like shit

——————

Y/N was exhausted. Not by her job or work, just mentally drained. This sort of thing happened sometimes. One moment she was okay, the next it all came crashing down on her & she’d feel pure hatred for the world she was living in. Fred had gotten used to it by now, he’d be the ever so caring boyfriend & try to help her through it however he could. Exept he really couldnt do much but reassure Y/N that he was there for her.

And of course Y/N appreciated him & all his efforts, she loved Fred more than life itself & everyone knew that. But sometimes she just needed space. Like today.

They were at a bar with George & Angelina and several other mates after their shifts had all ended from their various occupations. George & Fred at their joke shop, Angelia at the Ministry, Y/N at St Mungos.

Y/N never truly felt like she belonged, not growing up at home, not at Hogwarts, & certainly not in St Mungos where she was working as a nurse. Its not that she hated the job, more like it didn’t particularly cause her immediate joy. She just did it. She got on with it & did what she had to.

As her friends were dancing to the music Y/N leant into her boyfriends ear so he’d hear her say “Hey Fred I think I’m gonna head home early today, I’m tired.”

The man looked up at her, as if trying to read her thoughts “D’you want me to come with love?”

Y/N shook her head, declining the offer “No dont worry. I’ll go through the park, I need some fresh air anyway.” Fred nodded & bid her goodbye with a kiss, telling her to stay safe. “I’ll see you at home.”

It was already dark outside, the tall streetlamps being the main source of light for the woman, but she wasnt really paying attention to where she way going, not caring enough to look. Y/N got to the park near the flat where her & Fred lived, deciding to make a pitstop there she sat on one of the wooden benches that overlooked a small river.

Letting out a heavy sigh she put her head into the palms of her hands, it was feeling all too heavy lately. “Dear Merlin I’m so tired.” Mumbling, the woman rolled her head in her hands before sitting back up and gazing at the sky. Oh how beautiful it looked tonight.

Lighting up a cigarette, she put it to her lips & took a long inhale. She was supposed to be quitting smoking, Fred always got on her about continuing the habbit. In all honesty Y/N didnt care enough to stop, at this point she wasnt even sure if she still got the same boost of seratonin from smoking as she used to. But again, it didnt bother her.

“Fuck me why is life so draining?” She asked no one in particular, she knew why it was draining, the abundance of issues with her brain promptly being the answer. She just wished it were easier. Easier to deal with things.

Realistically Y/N had nothing to be unhappy about anymore, there was no war, she had a good life, an amazing boyfriend, a stable job, decent friends. But there was a permanent void in her heart that could never be filled. Ever since she was a child it stayed with her. Maybe her cold & harsh, unloving parents brought it on, or maybe how she didnt let herself feel love & would distance herself from anyone that ever got close to her. But it was there. Unmovable.

The woman let the smoke out from her mouth, sighing at why she was having another one of her episodes, feeling shitty about having said episode. Yet, there was nothing she could do to stop it from occuring. “Fuck off brain.” She mumbled to herself, cursing her biology & upbringing “Stop feeling so Shit.”

“I keep you alive you ungrateful idiot.” She huffed to herself “And I’m doing a pretty good job, so stop making me feel like its my fault.” It wasnt her fault. If it were, Y/N would know how to fix it & evidently stop feeing this way.

Some would say the war brought this Y/N on, but people knew that she was like this way before. However, before she was better at hiding it. Better at hiding the dark circles, the restlessness, the ‘I dont care what happens to me’ attitude. In all honesty it didnt bother Y/N that people knew she was like this, she didnt do it on purpose. And when she could- she’d be happy- the life of the party, in those instances she could hide her feelings. But sometimes they just got too overwhelming to bare.

“You’re being such a selfish prick.” She sighed and puffed on yet another cigarette “Go home Y/N. Go to the man who loves you.” Yet she made no motion to move. It’d probably been two hours since she left the bar, she wasnt keeping track of time, not feeling the need to.

Sometimes she thought that Fred didnt love her, not because he said something or did something, but because she thought that Fred puts up with her. Which wasn’t true, the man loved her to death, she made him feel alive. Y/N was a risk taker, an adventurer, someone that kept you on your toes- & he admired that about her. Y/N was smart & funny & the most gorgeous person Fred had ever seen, but he knew that behind her sarcasm & faux narcissistic comments, she didnt believe it. Oh what he’d give for the woman to see herself through his eyes.

A few more minutes passed & the woman got up with a sigh, throwing the butt of her cigarette down, she made her way home.

The door creaked open, a little too loudly for Y/N’s taste, she winced at the sound, hoping it wouldnt wake Fred.

“Where were you?” The light flicked on. Before her stood a dischevelled Fred, arms crossed “I got home and you werent here.”

“I was in the park.” She mumbled, taking her coat off “Lost track of time, sorry.”

Fred looked at the woman before him, he noticed the dark circles that she tried to cover prefousley with makeup, noticed the ash on her jacket and faint aroma of smoke mixed with sadness.

“Its fine.” He reassured her and went to hug her, pretending to not notice her cold body & how she stiffened when he touched her “Just let me know next time alright?”

The woman hummed in agreement and walked into the living room, as she sat on the couch she put the tv on to play some sort of muggle program but not really paying attention to it. She just didnt fancy Fred interrogating her about her feelings. She hated talking about them, normally just botteling them up. Maybe that was the cause of her unhappiness.

A few moments went by & she thought Fred had went to bed, but then she felt the couch sink next to her. “Here” he placed a blanket around her & handed her a hot mug of tea “You’re freezing.” Mumbling a thanks she sipped on her drink, not really feeling like talking she waited for him to say something, anything.

And he did “Is it getting bad again?” Oh. Was it? Probably. Most definitely.

“I’m fine.” She lied “I’ll be fine.” Y/N wasnt convincing anyone.

Fred watched her, not knowing what to say or do. He wished he could help, just magically cheer up the love of his life. But thats not how life worked. “You’re good enough.” He blurted out “You deserve to feel happy.”

Y/N didnt look up at him, she knew Fred was trying to help. But was he? I dont know.

“Do I though, do I really?” She finally asked with a sigh, those seemed to be coming from her a lot lately “Because I know I do, I just dont feel it coming to me and its so draining to get on with life when you feel worthless.”

Fred took in what she just said, pausing before trying to come up with a reasonable response “I know.” He sighed “I want to help you Y/N, what can I do?” What could he do though? Realistically?

“I dont know. Nothing. This’ll pass soon enough and I’ll be okay.”

Fred knew that, Y/N was always ‘okay’ or ‘fine’ or ‘just tired’ “But I want you to be better than okay. I want you to be happy, to enjoy life and all its moments.”

Y/N scoffed “And you think I dont want that?” There was a tense silence

“Why dont we take the day off tomorrow and go out somewhere? We havent done that in a while.” Fred suggested. It was true, with both of them being bombarded by work they hardly saw eachother in the last few months.

“Sure.” Y/N smiled sickly and set her tea down “Yeah alright I’ll just sack my job off to have a fun little date with you eh? Why not risk getting fired just because I’m feeling a little moody huh?”

Fred was taken aback by her words and immediately went back on what he said “If you dont want to thats fine I-“

“Im sorry” she cut him off “I’m sorry, that was a dick move I didnt mean it, just everythings gotten so much-“ she put her feet up on the couch to hug them “Im sorry.” A few stray tears fell onto her knees

Fred moved closer to her “Hey, its okay, its okay dont worry. I understand.” Oh sweet understanding Fred, Fred who gave you unconditional love and support. Fred who you keep snapping at.

Moments pass as he embraces you, your body leaning against his heavily. Not sure whether its the exhaustion or something else “I dont deserve you.” You mumble into his chest. He frowns cups your face in his hands, you lean in to his warm touch.

“Dont say that” you let out a quiet sob “Y/N you deserve the absolute world, and I wish I could give it to you & more. If I could take away your pain, I would. In an instant I would. You dont deserve to feel like this, to think like this. But I’m here for you okay. I love you, so fucking much you don’t understand.” He gazed into her eyes, wishing she could feel how much he meant it “You’re the best thing that happened to me & I’m going to prove it to you, whatever it takes Y/N.” He kissed your nose before letting you hug him tighter, relieved that you no longer shrunk away from his touch “Words cant express how much I love you.”

After a few more tears fall, Y/N laughs into his chest “Good because you’re stuck with me.”

Fred grins to himself “I wouldnt have it any other way.”

[stumbleintothesun]

Life Rant

For the few people in here...sorry lmao this is long as hell.

Lately I've been feeling like...garbage. I know there's no one on this place that really follows me, so this is me posting to the void.

I have been dealing with a lot of health issues related to my mental health and weight. I've gained nearly twenty pounds in a year, and no matter what I do my weight doesn't budge. I work out regularly, Ive been trying to eat better but...my only thought is its because I'm working a desk job now - which I fucking hate with a fury. And I know my weight isnt the end of the world - it just really, really fucks with my mental health. I've always felt ugly. The only time I didn't was when I was super thin which I know is problematic - and I know that's part of my mental health...like my aunt died from an ED. And my mom definitely had/has an ED even if she's gotten much better about it in the past few years...

And I'm finally getting my face to clear up after wearing these masks for a year - a year! But I'm still dealing with the healing process and I'm anxious it will scar. I've worked this entire pandemic at a job I *hate* just to you know, finally pay off my student loans just go back to school so maybe I can do something I love. But even at 25 and providing for myself, I hardly got any financial help. The only thing saving me is my grades that got me a decent transfer scholarship.

But the first school I applied to wanted my high school transcript, even though I have an associate's degree, and because I'm, frankly, stupid I somehow missed that they needed it. So they threw out my application that I spent an otherwise four hours writing for.

So I'm going to Eastern, which frankly will be better for my mental health, but they don't have a tuition free program. So I'm going to have to borrow money after just finally paying off my single year at a liberal arts college debt that I took on when I was 17 (it ended up being like 30k to pay off). And it's all because I didn't fucking read right. So much for being a good student, I guess.

But it wouldn't have mattered because they would've hardly taken any of my classes despite most of them being from down the road and for an associate's degree! And even Eastern is giving me a hard time, despite my degree they say I don't have the basic level biology course - my degree is biology focused! I'm going into ecology! I have taken genetics, conservation biology, anatomy and physiology, cellular biology but I don't have intro bio? So now I have to test out, on top of working full time. Which is fine, its a good refresher...I'm just so overwhelmed with life right now. I have a stack of over 100 flash cards and I'm just anxious.

This is a year after my partner went through an ugly break up with their old fiance (we were poly), and their ex was an abusive POS who once told them if they came out as anything other than their assigned gender, he wouldn't date them anymore. He gaslit them constantly, made them feel like hell. So we finally got out, but he wanted the house they got together or 10k. He made over double what they make - and he always forced them to pay half the bills, including half of his fucking protein bullshit because it was "groceries." He knew they didn't have the funds. Because our friends are amazing, we were able to buy him off but he left the house trashed.

It fucking sucked, and they were also responsible for getting his name off the house which meant a refinance that we could hardly afford. We got lucky we were able to do it, but they hardly got anything back for it. And it was a *nightmare*. We finally got it done, after pulling teeth and it took six months. Four months longer than they said. And that entire time they were forced to occasionally reach out to him, their old abuser.

Finally we were free, but then I started having further issues at work. Between the pandemic, and working in a heavily red area during the election, I cried a lot. I work in customer service and while I make okay money for the industry, I'm constantly burned out. My colleagues are okay, but it feels stupid to leave just to find a job for three months to go back to school. Then I started being short in my drawer (I'm a teller at a bank). The final straw was being short $500. Now I'm on a work plan, and if Im short again, I'm out. And it's my fault. I don't know how it has been happening. So now I'm always on edge at work, triple checking everything. And I could leave, I could get another job but there's no promise I'll make what I do now, and in order for me to pay for the chunk of school I need to, I have to put away a certain amount every month.

I do have a grant of sorts for 5k per semester to help with bills, which will alleviate a lot once August arrives. And I know I'm crazy lucky to have that. So sometimes I feel like such an asshole about it. But we have a house to pay for and bills to pay. Just like everyone else. Ugh, I don't know.

I talked to my doctor about my weight, came in with calorie intake numbers and how much I work out with zero change. I cut out pop entirely from drinking it every day. Nothing has helped. So we switched my meds from Lexapro to Wellbutrin to see if I lose weight because of that. Nope, just having more mental break downs, steady weight, and my resting heart rate is abnormally high, stopping me from making a little extra cash donating plasma. So now I'm switching back to Lexapro with nothing gained other than. You know. Feeling like shit. Next up? Birth control coming out of my arm. Don't really need it anyway. And maybe that will help? But I don't think so. I'm not sure what to do.

I am genuinely trying to be healthy, eating more whole foods. More veggies. More home cooked meals. I love to cook, I'm just tired. And sometimes the air fryer and oven baked frozen foods are too easy to pass up. I'm trying to always eat breakfast. I'm working out again, we have a gym membership but there are so many men there and I dont always feel comfortable, because my partner has been anemic and they can't go yet. So I use our bike in the living room and do home workouts.

But when I did this last time there was zero change in weight or anything. Even when I ate really, really clean for three weeks and worked out for most days, tracking calories and everything. Nothing changed. My thyroid is fine, we've already checked it. I'm just tired.

This past year, other than being with my partner has fucking sucked. And this doesn't even cover all the shit they've dealt with with switching to they/them and a name change. I love them so much, and love that they are finally comfy but their parents were assholes about it. And that matters. It does, and I get it. I just wish I could help them more. I wish we had a break, a breather for longer than a day. Even then I can't relax, I'm too on edge. There's too much to be done. I need to earn money, I need to clean, I need to focus. I need to be productive in some way to justify if I'm not working on those things. It's...all dumb.

[overly-ironed-waffle]

It’s been so long since I’ve felt so low.

I have so many thoughts swirling about in my head that I want to write down in hopes that they stop plaguing my mind but I don’t seem to have the words. That, and any time I go to write them down or express them to someone who has noticed I am depressed and lost in thought or bothered by something, I suddenly feel as though they aren’t worth sharing either because I must be making them out to be bigger than they are, or because I feel like I can’t trust the possible responses or reactions I will receive. Too many times have I been “too much” or “too intense” or “too attention seek-y” or whatever. I don’t desire to burden those that I love with the thoughts in my head. But still, I’d like to at least write them down. But then how to put the words?

How do I write down that it feels as though each day my body becomes heavier like as if I can slowly feel each individual pound of mass that makes up my body, and god is each pound heavy and pulling me to the ground. I am a skinny underweight afab adult, how is it possible that I feel so heavy? Why does it feel like every piece of my body wishes to melt into a puddle on the ground? And why does it feel like if I tried hard enough, I would succeed in doing so? Just blending into the fabric that makes up my carpet.

And then how do I express that I feel so distant from my husband, and like the distance has only been growing between us? Because I’m sure that it’s primarily just in my head, as he’s just as loving, affectionate, and doting as ever. Yet for some reason I feel as though we’re separated by a barrier, and it’s impossible for me to cross and I don’t understand why. But this causes me to feel as though he’s going to leave me, that one day he will finally wake up and realize that I’m not actually who he thought or hoped I was and he wasted too much time and energy on me, and that he’s not happy with me for a vast majority of reasons and then leave? How do I bridge the gap that I feel like I must have somehow imagined and then created?

How do I write out the intrusive thoughts that my brain plays on repeat to torture me? How do I explain that my body seems to be able to recall sensations it has never experienced in this lifetime? I have been hit by large vehicles, and years later I can recall the sensations perfectly but why is it that my body knows how it feels to burn, to drown, to suffocate, to be electrocuted?

How do I get back to a point of being capable of functioning without breaking down over every minor thing? How is it that I was ever functional before? How did I manage to go to school or hold down jobs, have friendships and relationships, how is it that I managed to parent and keep a house clean? How did I ever do things before, when I can’t even seem to drag myself out of bed?

How do allow my therapist to help me, and to tell her the things that are bothering me and that I am struggling with, when I can’t even put it into words for her or even other people? It’s her job to listen to me without judgment, so why do I feel incapable of telling her that I’m struggling and instead play it off like I’m just constantly anxious and manic? I’m not, dammit. I’m fucking depressed and why the fuck can’t I just tell her that?

Why the fuck am I so embarrassed, so ashamed to feel the things that I am feeling? Why am I ashamed to admit that I am depressed and struggling? 

Why can’t I go a fucking day without crying, or a day without feeling completely and utterly worthless and useless?

Why can’t I find words for the fucking feelings I have and the shit that my brain is putting me through? This post doesn’t even describe anything or give any of it justice. 

Why can’t I look at my kitchen without breaking down into a mess and immediately just crawling back into bed under the covers and wishing that I weren’t still here?

Why can’t I stop plotting ways to leave? Not in a scary permanent fashion but more just in a running away sort of deal. I have been trying to avoid the scarier thoughts, but I can feel that they’re there.

I have been neglecting everything, which is something I am ashamed of. Which, obviously makes me feel worse. But I’m so overwhelmed by everything, I can barely move or bring myself to do even small necessary tasks. I break down crying and ask my 11y/o to refresh the cat’s water dishes. That’s ridiculous. It’s a simple task that takes like ten seconds.

And then also why the fuck does my trauma and RSD have to constantly plague my thoughts with shit like I’m not good enough and whatever? I’m fucking tired of it. I’m so fucking tired of it

I’m so done you guys, I’m so done. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I have been struggling and I have been spiraling, and I just can’t handle it anymore.

People keep checking up on me and I don’t even know what to say at this point. I either just ignore it or keep saying things like ‘yep im fine, just the usual’ because I mean thats not really completely incorrect. It is ‘the usual’ even if for some reason it’s more intense and frequent than usual.

I keep telling myself I just need a mental health day. But how do you even give yourself a mental health day when you don’t do anything or go anywhere? When you have no money to spend on yourself? I already take breaks from everything, to the point of basically just neglecting it. So what would a mental health day even look like? I play my games, I read, I occasionally do art, I try to do things I enjoy. I forced myself to go on a walk yesterday. I wouldn’t say that made a difference. If anything I felt worse later in the evening once my husband got home because I felt like I had done something wrong. (He didn’t do anything to make me think that. He was proud I had gone for a walk and done something to get dressed for and get out of bed. He praised me. But still I wound up feeling like I did something wrong, which is why I think it’s in my head.)

I’ve been playing a lot of video games and mobile games. I’ve been using a lot of escapism and I don’t even know what I’m escaping from. I just would prefer to be in a different world or reality, I guess, and get wildly uncomfortable and unhappy realizing that I’m in the one I’m in. I don’t know.

I’m just... I’m struggling. Badly. and I don’t have the right words to explain it. This honestly didn’t touch it, despite the wall of text attempting to.

I’m sorry.

[of-faunsandyellowflowers]

Personal post...again

Tw: rape, eating disorder

And I'm sorry this is long but I need to get this out.

I think the biggest thing that hurts me with my mother is the fact she disregards what I tell her as exaggeration, or that I do it for attention.

It goes back to my teen years.

Middle school was awful for me. Honestly, all school was. Growing up autistic but not knowing you're autistic is....hard. it's even harder when you've got a shit load of trauma and other issues to deal with to.

When my mom found out I cut myself, instead of trying to understand why I did it, she lectured me on how she coulsnt understand why I did that because shes never felt that way. Now, I'm not saying she couldnt be upset by it....but it wasnt somethibg I was proud of. And when she told me I must be doing it for attention, I knew I probably wasnt going to be able to tell her about the things that happen in my life that are hard kater on...even though I really needed someone. It's not like she wasnt EVER there, but the really really big things....it wasnt talked about. And when it wasnt talked about, it wasnt believed.

The time I told her I was raped, barely 15, and then a few years later finding out she didnt believe me. Her reasoning? Because right after we went to dinner i was 'happy'. And that the years after I was 'sexual' with guys. Because people who are raped are supposed to be sex repulsed and numb.

I was incredibly numb. However, I've learned how to mask. Much like I've learned how to mask my autism.

Instead of taking the time to ask my counselor what coping looks like for trauma, she assumed that it wasnt that bad and determined I just wanted it and that the guy never called me back. She assumed rhat since I said I didnt want dad to know, that I didnt want anyone to know....that it must not have happened because you 'tell' a parent these things.

She only figured out I wasnt lying after having a heart to heart with my aunt and my aunt chewing out my mother for not doing more.

Then got mad I never wanted to go to the cops.

I still, dont think I would have wanted to go to the cops.

The emo kid (me) vs the star mormon football player? In a very mormon town with mormon cops? Yeah. I dont think they would have believed me.

And look, I understand that it's hard for a parent to hear that, but the lack of support I received due to my mom always deflecting it to 'it cant possibly be that bad' on top of me not even knowing I was autistic so it was incredibly hard for me to express things.....I'd say that the person going through trauma, twice in the same 15th year...is worse. And the years to come with me battling my own turmoil, keeping things in, her butting into my life to 'help' in ways that didnt help. It was based on what she believed was correct, and not what I felt I wanted in order to express myself.

Years following I developed an eating disorder which caused me to binge large amounts of junk food, hate myself after, and starve myself. I still struggle with it, but now I just dont really eat.

Instead of asking WHY I did this to myself, I got shouted at, scolded and accused of stealing money, or using hers to get things.. Instead of understanding I had an eating disorder, it was determined by my own mother that I probably was just a liar and manipulator.

The money stealing is funny too, because I hid my tattoos from her for that very reason. By that I mean, the accusation that I stole money for it when I actually saved up to get them.

I deflected whenever someone would ask me about my eating habits and would say I wasnt doing that because 1. I was terribly ashamed of the fact I was binge eating. 2. The sheer mention reminded me of my trauma and the lack of support I had in that. 3. Because if I talked about it, I remembered why I did it, and that wasn't something I wanted to talk about at all

I became incredibly hypersexual after my trauma as well. The reasonings for this are complex, but the main two being that I didnt understand the context of how to get someone to like me, beyond sex. It was basically a way for me to control the situation I didnt have control of before. Much like...trying to redo losing my virginity by just saying yes. Becayse if you say yes, it cant possibly be rape right? On top of still not understanding social things as well.

Not all people who experience this form of trauma are sex repulsed.

And like my now therapist said, me being happy right after was a way my brain coped. When something like that happens, your brain tries the best it can to cope. And that's how I coped. By faking. Which I was already good at with my masking.

Then, I got mono. This turned into a chronic thing. I already had all this mental stuff to deal with. This turned into chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. My immune system is shit. I do not rest. No support on that. The years to follow have been me figuring out what the hell's wrong with me, and my mom being wishy washy on what's real and what's not because 'if you really had that then the first doctor we went to would know'...without realizing that for many people it takes years to get diagnosed with things.

To this day, it's the same.

My mom brought up my trauma yesterday. I told her that there was more than just 2, but I wasnt going to talk about it because I didnt feel comfortable. She reiterated that I couldnt be mad at her for not believing me at 15 because 'it was hard for me to hear that abd you were happy and very promiscuous after and manipulated my emotions a lot'.

I think I have every right to be upset when someone doesnt believe me at 15 that I was raped. I think I have every right to be upset at the sheer accusation that I would LIE about a traumatic experience....that my way of coping god forbid be different than your own standards.

Beyond that though, I'm just tired.

I'm so tired of the constant wishy washyness. The constant arguments we have because she wants to make everything about her, and while I love my mother, its incredibly invalidating to state that I'm chronically ill and to be told 'you're only 26, I'm 63, get over it', then the next day be understanding. Theres so much I could get into with all this but the AMOUNT is overwhelming.

Hell, for a solid month I didnt talk to her because she stated the reason I came out as non binary was for attention. And she sidnt get why I wouldnt talk to her.

Can you just pick a fucking side? I need you to just support me instead of throwing things like 'well I have a hard time believing you because you manipulated me as a teen' when I never did that.

Theres so much I could go into. I'm just tired. The constant wishy washy, the constant blame on me and then to turn it into 'oh then it's all my fault' when I never said that.

Just fucking accept that my life isnt going to be how you pictured it. And I'm sorry that im not an easy person to understand, but it just feels like you never tried. It was always let's do it my way, and when I finally sidnt want to do that, I get punished

Im tired. I just want it to end.

And no, I cannot move out. I have no where to go. I have no money. I cannot work as much as I'd need to get enough for my own place.

The best I can do is to try to cope with the constant invalidation. Cling onto the good times. My mom isnt a bad person, and I dont think she really UNDERSTANDS how much shit affects me. I just wish shed put aside her own emotions and face reality.

[hollyhomburg]

Who hurt you today:/

i was just like- thinking about my old best friend who like- always had a ton of friends who depended on her. she’d like- do this thing where she’d make a ton of friends because she loved making friends but then when it came time to actually following through with her friendships and being there for people- she’d do it for a time before she got overwhelmed by how much they needed her and slowly ghost them.

as a warning- this is a lot- and basically just like- me venting about it months later because sometimes I still need to talk about her because she was in my life for so long like literally over half my life, and she’s just not in my life anymore- but that's kind of a good thing even though I still miss her sometimes.  

for a long time- I was the only one that remained consistently her friend in her life. and it would always make me so anxious. because like- if you’re not going to be there for someone forever? why make them think that you are? because you want to tell them what they want to hear? And I came to the conclusion that that was actually crueler then it was kind. I’d watched her become a support system for people and then ghost them for years. always wondering when it would come time for her to ghost me.

And I waited for years- worried to take up the same amount of space in her life even though I was really struggling- really needed someone to talk too and I didn't make her that person because I was so worried about her eventually doing the same thing to me. And then one day it was just the last straw- god I know it’s stupid. but you guys know that I'm really uncomfortable with people touching my head cuz it’s super sensitive? I asked her to help me dye my hair- which is like a big deal for me- which shed done countless times before- and she committed to it- and then she ghosted me the day we were supposed to do it. and I was just so done

like- I was tired of never knowing where our friendship was. so the next time she messaged me I just didn’t respond and forgot about it. Mostly because I was going through a really fucking bad patch. I didn't confide in anyone and I didn’t tell anyone anything even though I was having days where it was like “if you get out of bed- you’re going to hurt yourself- so you might as well stay in bed.” and then shit blew up between us because I vented on here about her and the problems we were having (but in a short form way that was just- kinda harsh? but also untruthful because I just trying to get out my feelings?) 

and she read it and had a problem with it obviously. Was very offended that I’d tell people- that I’d tell those things to anyone even though I never mentioned her by name on here- and none of you know who the fuck she is (besides like 1 person- but since that person is also someone she ghosted so I didn’t think that mattered). if the same had happened to me- if I’d found out that she’d bad-mouthed me anonymously- she would have never found out I knew. my loyalty to her ran that deep- but it obviously didn’t run as deep on her end. This place is basically my diary- she knew that and she read through it anyway.

When we met up to talk about it I explained to her that I was sorry, that I never intended it to hurt her but that I had felt the need to get out the thoughts that I didn’t Nessicarily believe in, so they didn't weigh on me anymore. you know like normal venting works. like how many times have you said something horrible that wasn’t necessarily true in confidence just to get it out of your head so that you didn’t have to feel terrible about thinking it? like, am I wrong? do people not feel the need to vent about the worst parts of themselves just to feel like they aren’t so horrible? 

and then she like- demanded me to tell her what had happened in my life? what was going on in my life that had damaged me so much? when I basically couldn’t get out of bed and was planning on killing myself just so that I wouldn't be a burden to my family anymore? When I thought I wasn’t going to make it to the end of august let alone September? how was I supposed to tell her after she’d already made it clear that she could only be in my life when it was convenient for her?

And it was just like- too fucking late for all of it. How could I have actually confided in her? when all of it would have felt too much like “I'm sorry I treated you terribly when I was suicidal” im not one to ever use my mental health to excuse my actions and I wasn’t going to start fucking then of all times. 

anyway, I still think it’s cruel of her to fool people into thinking she’ll be in their lives forever, she’s not able to let people down easy when she dosent like them. and i think she conflates being honest with people and how you feel about them with being unkind when it’s not. I’d rather know instantly that someone isn’t interested in being friends with me, then foolishly go on thinking that I had someone. it might seem unkind at the beginning. but the alternative is actually much more hurtful in the endgame. 

TLDR: People can be lead on in friendships just as much as in relationships. don’t sacrifice honesty for kindness’s sake. 

[marvinswriting]

Air Pressure

Prompt: Janis and Damian hurt/comfort bc sometimes Janis feels sad for no reason😳😳😳 We said A N G S T 😳 (except I also added nice Regina bc it's my fic and I can do what I want.)

It's just one of those days where everything hits hard I guess. 

I saw a post somewhere that said if there was no air pressure, rain would fall all at once in a thick sheet of water and kill us.

I don't know how accurate that is, but it's pretty representative of how my day is going.

Instead of getting hit with negative sparingly throughout the day with positive things to regulate it, there is no positive, and my emotions just hit me like a wall. 

Which is fucking great when you're sitting in English class.

The perfect time to just, break down is while you learn about The Raven, I guess.

I raise my hand to ask to leave the room, earning a sharp glare from my teacher when he has to stop reading to pick on me.

"May I go to the bathroom?" I ask, my voice wavering. 

He must pick up on it because he just nods.

I scoop up my bag and run out of the room. Its the first of my three tiny periods in a row and then I have a class with just Damian before I can go home. That's four periods to long.

I make my way into the school's tiny bathroom and pull myself into the back stall. I cover my mouth to muffle a sob, I don't really know why I'm crying, but the overwhelming sinking feeling in my chest won't disappear. 

I hear high heels clicking as they walk into the bathroom. "Janis? I saw you run in here."

I guess dying for 15 seconds really does change a person because Regina had been working hard to be my friend again. I don't know if we're 'watching each other have breakdowns' close yet. 

"I know you're here Jan. You can't hide from me." 

Well, that's mildly threatening. 

I freeze as footsteps approach the stall I'm in. 

Regina knocks on the door but it just slowly swings open, revealing me sitting next to the toilet, curled up.

Stupid broken locks.

"Oh, Janis." Regina crouched down next to me. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head. "Nothing specific, just sad, I guess."

Regina nods. "I know the feeling. And that's okay." She looks like she has more to say, but doesn't.

She simply steps into the stall with me and slides down the wall opposite of me.

This feels like the start of a bad porno.

We sit in silence for a bit and I have to admit, Regina's presence is actually really comforting. 

I try to slow the tears since somebody else is here, but Regina doesn't comment. She simply reaches across the small space between us and rests her hand on my knee comfortingly.

I give a teary-eyed smile at the action.

"Thanks." I say softly, "but you need to get back to class."

"I do," Regina agrees. "But I'm not leaving you to have a breakdown alone in the bathroom." She pauses for a moment, as if considering something. "Pass me your phone."

"What?"

"Today clearly isn't your day, you're not doing too hot and shouldn't be left alone, but, you're right- I gotta go to class. Let me text Damian."

"I'm not dragging him out of class because I can't get my emotions in check." I say glumly.

Regina tsks and grabs my bag, pulling my phone out despite my protests.

"Really, Janis? Same password since middle school?"

"I don't normally have people trying to go through my phone," I say, but I don't have the energy to fight Regina about texting Damian. "He's trying to get an education, yknow. Don't bother him." I say, but trying the change Regina Geroge's mind is futile. 

"I may not know Damian personally  but he seems like the type of person who wants to know when his friends are hurting." Regina says typing away on my phone. 

I hear it ding instantly and I wipe my eyes. 

Regina place my phone back in my bag, seemingly happy with whatever response she got before standing up and holding out her arm as an offer to help me up.

I take it.

"Let's go. Regina says pulling me up.

"Where?" I glance down at our hands, she didn't let go, instead, she opted to dragging me down the hall.

"To meet Damian, duh."

The closer we get to tiny pick up zone the more my stomach twists. 

I frown, now he's gonna worry about me and not go to class and that's my fault and-

"Hey, Janis." Regina stops suddenly. "If you don't want to see Damian we don't have to, I'm sorry I texted him."

What? Oh. I'm crying again.

"No, its- I'm fine. I just-"

"You don't have to explain yourself." Regina pulls me into a hug. It's tense, we really aren't at the whole helping each other emotionally part. But its also my first real hug from another tiny in a while. 

So I'll take it.

It feels nice, being able to return as much as I receive in a hug. 

My face just feels permanently wet today, it really is one of those days.

Like everything is getting triggered by period hormones minus the cramps and blood. 

We continue our walk to where the giant hall meets the tiny hall and see Damian already there.

"Hey, Damian," Regina says, passing me my backpack.

I wave to him, and the second Damian registers the tears on my face, I'm being scooped up and held to his chest without a word.

"Thanks, Regina." He says.

I grip onto his shirt, willing the tears not so spillover.

"Of course, Damian. I know Karen or Gretchen would want somebody to do it for me."

I'm to busy with my face is Damian's shirt and my eyes squeezed shut to see Regina walk away, but just as I heard her coming, I can hear the clicking of her heels grow distant. 

Damian doesn't pull me away, he just holds me there for a bit, not saying anything.

I can feel him rocking on his heels a bit, and if its a method of soothing me- it's working. 

After a while, I think I stop crying. Keyword is think. My whole face is still damp but I let go of his shirt and push away a bit. Damian takes the hint and pulls his hands back, letting me fall into his palms.

"What's got you worked up?" He asks. His eyes are swimming with concern and guilt hits me hard.

If I could just be a bit better at dealing with my shit Damian would be learning in class as students should. 

"I don't-" I take a breath. "I don't know."

Damian nods. "That's okay." 

I nod. Its something Regina had said earlier and something I had heard many times before. But hearing it from Damian felt like the most reassuring thing in the world.

I try not to sniffle. "You have a class to go back to. You can put me down."

Damian shook his head. "Hon, the bell is gonna ring any second, we've been standing here for a while. And I'm not letting you go back to class when you're clearly tired and not in a great mental space."

The bell is gonna ring?

Wow.

"You can't skip class, Damian," I say, standing up on his palms. 

"I won't be the one skipping."

"Huh?"

Oh.

Before I can even protest, Im boing shifted into one hand, Damian already using the other to clip the white pin on his jacket.

"Are you sure? I don't wanna be annoying or get in your way or anything. You already do so much for me and I just don't wanna be a bother, its just one bad day I can hide in the bathroom again I’ll be fine-" Before I know it, words are just tumbling out of my mouth. "Cuz like, I'm tiny and I can't do anything myself and I don't want to be a nuisance or-"

"Janis."

"Yeah?"

"You're not annoying or a nuisance or getting in the way."

"Okay." I say softly, looking down.

Damian chuckles. "I like having you in my pockets. It's a reassurance that you're safe."

I feel my face flush under the love and care. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah."

The bell rings and Damian pulls me close to his chest as student file out of classrooms.

Its the hallway so there's no need to hide me yet, but it's dangerous as always. I press my back against Damian's chest as I watch students pass us. Some notice me, others don't. Most could care less. 

I watch Shane Omen pass with Aaron on his shoulder. Aaron is gripping onto Shane's shirt as tight as possible, and it brings me a small bit of reassurance to know I'm not the only tiny with hallway anxiety.

Damian makes it to his classroom and wordlessly slips me into his pocket. He taps the pocket lightly, which I’ll never understand why he does it, and goes on with his education as he normally would. 

Skipping three classes is gonna be a bitch to explain to my parents, but I would rather explain this to them then go to class crying.

Damian's heart beats steadily to my right as I hear his teacher begin talking.

Yeah, there are bad days where it feels like the sheet of rain is slamming into me, killing me on the spot, but I'll always have Damian to be my air pressure to regulate the droplets.

Its a common thing in my fics, but don't skip class bbys, learning is essential

tag list: @musicallygt @sourishlemons @smallsoysauce @realmisspolarbear

[midoriyaizukustan-inactive]

@the aizawa getting kidnapped/quirk stolen/being disappointed in himself stuff,,,,,, he comes back and feels like he isn't enough and that he shouldn't teach 1a so takes time off/leaves the school and 1a are so worried and outraged they basically strike until he comes back. so he comes in to yell at them to listen to their new teacher and then they all bombard him with - (1/2)

- how cool he is and what a good teacher he is and how he doesn't need his quirk to be an amazing hero and they all love and respect him so much (mic and all might get in on this too ofc) and by the end everyone is a blubbering mess and aizawa is there trying not to cry like. okay, i'll come back. and then the teachers go to the staffroom and he breaks down crying becAUSE HE JUST LOVES HIS KIDS SO MUCH ??????????? AND HE'S SO PROUD OF THEM AND THEY'RE ALL SO GOOD and now i am crying too (2/2)

------------

BRO THIS IS SO GOOD IM FYCKIGNNGJKGJNK FUCK

when aizawa gets back after Everything his depression has Kickstarted bc the one thing he held on to (being a hero and protecting the kids from what he and shirakumo went through as ua students) was forcibly taken away from him and now he has no other coping mechanisms

plus having ur quirk like forcibly taken from you must suck so much ass,,like quirks r described in canon to be a physical extension of one’s self so to be violated like that,,aizawa is just not feeling great is all im saying

once he’s back from the hospital (and he actually stays the whole time he was recommended to bc he just. doesnt see the point in leaving early anymore bc how can he protect his kids when hes broken like this) the first thing he does is go to ua to tell nezu he’s stepping down

and like nezu tries to convince him otherwise and it ends w aizawa there the wholeass day bc we all know how long nezu can talk, but aizawa just cant. he and his inadequacy cant be the reason why his kids get hurt any more than they have already

nezu compromises that there’ll be a sub until aizawa is ready to take the mantle back and aizawa is like “im not going to do that but okay”

as he’s heading out he runs into mic and all might and they ask him how he’s doing but aizawa’s Spent bc arguing w ur weird rat dad thing for hours on end is exhausting so aizawa just pushes them off

he’s not even harsh abt it tho he’s just completely tired and all might and mic are Worried

anyway they find out the next day that aizawa is “steppnig down for the time being” and theyre both like oh no. ohh no.

meanwhile in class 1-a the new sub is explaining what’s going on and the kids fucking riot. bakugou straight walks out. midoriya is arguing w the sub abt whats going on and the sub is just like “kid i didnt ask for this i dont know why aizawa’s doubting his abilities right now”

uraraka tsu and iida are like aight we’re gonna head out after like fifty minutes of this and the rest follow. the sub is just like “wtf am i even doing here”

anyway class 1-a strikes like this for a week and so nezu calls up aizawa (who’s been having a Very bad depressive episode at his apartment including ignoring all might and mic’s and even ms joke’s calls) to tell him that his kids r throwing a fit abt having to move on (nezu knows how this’ll end up if he can just get aizawa to go to his kids so he miiight be making it a bigger deal than it is but oh well)

so aizawa storms into heights alliance and hes tired and a lil touched but also hurt bc he cant protect his dumb kids anymore that’s the whole point of this why cant they just accept it

and he has a script in his head of wht he wants to say but when he enters the common room mic and all might r there and midoriya sees him first nd just. stands v suddenly and storms over to aizawa and aizawa is like “oh shit are they mad at me?? i guess they have a right to be but..” and then mido just hugs him

aizawa is like v confused for a couple moments bc what the fuck. the other more affectionate kiddos of class 1-a join mido (uraraka, tsu, ashido, kirishima, etc) before mic nd all might tell the kiddos to give him some space

before aizawa can say anything the kiddos have launched into talking abt how much they missed him and that they hope he’s okay and that he better be coming back to teach soon Or Else and also that they love him so much and they know he went thro a lot but “the sub said they would be there indefinitely but u should have a time limit on ur healing right?? youll be coming back soon?? youre such a good teacher sensei we might be able to do it w/o you there but we dont want to do this without you”. basically what u were saying hhh

and aizawa is just rlly overwhelmed bc he wasnt like expecting this at all. all of his kids have said at least something even bakugou and kouda and he’s just like. bruh.

then mic and all might ask if he’s okay bc they can tell he’s getting a lil overwhelmed nd aizawa tries to respond but he just breaks into silent tears. class 1-a FREAKS the fuck out like “OH MY GOD SENSEI WE’RE SO SORRY ARE YOU OKAY??? FUCK”

and aizawa needs a Second but he’s like “no you dumb brats didn’t do anything i’m just- fuck give me a second” and im,,,

all might and mic hug him then and im emotional. i am emotional!!!! we are crying in this chilis tonight.

anywya the kiddos keep going on abt hwo much they care for aizawa all night nd aizawa crashes on the couch surrounded by all his dumb kids and all might nd mic

when he gets up the next morning he goes to ask nezu abt maaaybe teaching again nd nezu smiles into his teacup knowingly

anyway im so fucking emo dude. dude

[cool-guysyndrome]

(I was gonna post this to Instagram first but the story got too long so here sees it first skkdhdh)

Title: dammit why do i always give the angst a resolution

TW: anxiety attack, heckloads of angst, swearing because virgil+stress=i get to write swearwords

Patton paced the dimly lit room, becoming more agitated with every step. He didn't know where he was, why he was there, how he got there, anything. It was awful being completely in the dark, thrown randomly into some foreign place with no forewarning or instructions. He had so many questions that it was hard to think at all. Where were his friends? Were they okay? Were they even in the same place as him? What if they were across the country or something? How would he find them? Where even was this country? Was he in a country? Why was he in a weird castle thingy on a mountain? It was scary up so high. What were these weird clothes he was wearing? What was wrong with him? Why could he suddenly create a weird green fire with his hands? Was he going crazy?

Patton sat down and leant against the cold stone wall, trying to steady his breathing. Was this how Virgil felt when he had an anxiety attack?

He looked down at his hands, scared to accidentally replicate the spectacle he had made when he went outside and set a tree on fire.

"Maybe i can control it?" He thought aloud. Worth a try.

Patton shut his eyes and tried to focus his thoughts on the tingly feeling that had spread through his fingertips when he made the fire the first time. Sure enough, he felt a soft heat begin to emanate from where his hands were outstretched, and when he opened his eyes he saw the small green flame dancing across his fingertips.

He found that he could make the flame larger or smaller by mentally compressing it, like a camera's focus lens. It was amazing, but at the same time it scared Patton more than any fear he'd ever felt before. This wasn't a kind power. This was something destructive, something dangerous. If this power was any clue to why he was in this strange place, it was not a comforting one.

Patton released his mental hold on the fire and it dissipated into nothing. He realised with a start that he had been crying while watching it, and he wiped his cheeks dry with a sleeve.

Whatever this was, it wasnt going to be easy, and how his heart ached every time he thought about the others was really not helping. Especially Virgil. Sweet, lovely Virgil, who was always kind and worried for Patton as much as his mother did, was probably hurting just as much as he was. That thought would have killed Patton, but his thoughts were mercifully interrupted by a-

---

-'CRASH!'

"Fuck. Just when i thought my day couldn't get better huh."

Virgil glared at the fallen ornament like it was personally responsible for all the wrongs in the world, which it probably was in his eyes.

He crouched down with a sigh and picked up the broken pieces of ceramic. There were far too many breakable things in this stupid palace for someone as clumsy and lazy as him to be around.

He found some servant to give the pieces to, waving off their apologies and persistent praise. It was exhausting, all this social interaction. Virgil wondered how Roman ever wished for this kind of thing, but he supposed Roman was the only person crazy enough to like it.

He kept walking, slow enough to still pass as a walk, but fast enough that he could escape to his room as quickly as possible. Finally he reached safety, locking the door behind him. He sunk to the floor, exhausted.

"This place is fucking crazy. I think im going crazy." He told the empty room.

"I dont know what they want me to do half the time, and they treat me like the fucking king of the universe more than some stupid prince. I just want to go home and not have to deal with this stupid, stressful, nonsensical place and its mad inhabitants!"

He ran a hand through his hair.

"Inhabitants? What am I saying? Fuck, i sound like Logan."

Logan. The others. Shit. "Great now thats just a whole other problem as well. Wonderful. Fucking fantastic!"

Virgil stood up and took his cape off, tired if the heavy and unnecessary clothes. He started to anxiously pace the room, caught up in a flurry of thoughts that were making it a little hard to breathe.

"Shit. Shitshitshit. The others. Are they safe? I need to go find them. Are they even here? What if theyre in trouble? Logan and Roman might be okay on their own, but Pat..."

Virgils voice trailed off as his mind thought a horrible, terrible thing. Patton. Gentle, bubbly Patton, the light of his life, could be in danger. Or worse, already hurt. Virgil fell back to the floor, every inhale more of a struggle than the last. His whole body filled up with an overwhelming sense of dread that drowned out any of his attempts to calm himself down. His heart began to pound like it wanted to escape his chest, and he pulled at his hair like he wanted to rip it out. He thought he heard a strangled scream from someone nearby. Why were they screaming? He should be the one screaming. Then he realised that it was his own voice, and he was the one emitting the heartbroken cry. He managed to stop his screams but there was no ceasing the sobs that wracked his body as he lay curled on the floor, his mind repeating a single horrible thought a million times-

---

-over Patton's head flew a tiny streak of black, and it seemed to be hurt because it wasnt flying in a very coordinated fashion. One wing was flapping a lot less than the other.

Patton waited for the little animal to settle, then he stood a few feet away from where it had landed on the table.

"Hey, hey, I'm not gonna hurt ya. You look like you need a bit of help, actually, little guy."

He started moving towards the table very slowly so he didnt startle the creature.

"Hey, its okay, im gonna help you, alright? Lets have a look at that wing."

Patton continued to talk soothingly to the little creature until he was close enough that he could reach out and touch it. He saw that the animal was a small black bat, and one of its wings had a splinter of wood in it, not enough to do bad damage, but enough to affect its flying ability.

Patton slowly outstretched his hand, and waited for the small animal to make a move first, as a kind of permission. The little bat looked up at him with big black eyes with a shine of blue in them, and if it were human Patton would have sworn it was studying his face.

Then, all of a sudden, he heard a voice say, "Help?"

He nearly fainted.

"What?! Did you- did you just speak?!"

He watched the bat carefully, but its little face didnt move an inch even though he heard the voice clear as day. "Help wing?"

Patton couldn't help staring at the little creature.

"How are you doing that?!"

"Person help wing? Yes, no?"

"Oh my goodness gracious. And i thought the fire was weird."

"Help wing, yes, no?"

"Yes, yes, sorry, yes, ill help you. May i?"

Patton held out a hand to the bat's wing. The little creature obliged and lay its wing across his hand.

"If i ever see him again, i will definitely tell Virgil about this. He'll hate me for it because he's always wanted to talk to animals."

"Vir..gil?"

"Yea, hes my boyfriend."

"Oh. Boy Friend Virgil." The little animal seemed to think for a second, then it spoke again.

"Boyfriend, Virgil. I, Jazzy. You?"

"What?" Patton took a second to realise what the little creature meant.

"Oh, is that your name? Oh! Its lovely! I'm Patton!"

"Pat..ton. Patton. Patton help Jazzy."

"Yes, thats right, im helping you! By the way, are you a boy or a-

---

-Gurl you are a mess. You're lucky i can pick locks hun."

Remy closed the door quietly and went to sit beside where Virgil still lay on the floor.

"I heard you scream. Good thing i convinced those other losers that I'd handle this." He glanced down at Virgil again, noting his fists still clenched in his hair.

His voice was a bit more firm as he continued. "Virgil. Can i touch you?"

The purple-haired boy hesitated a moment, then shakily nodded through his hands. Remy gently pried his hands down from his hair.

"Can you sit up for me?"

Virgil did.

"Okay. Can you copy my breathing? 4-7-8 yeah?"

Virgil nodded.

Once Remy was sure that Virgil was no longer in such a bad state, he got him to sit on his bed and gave him a glass of water.

"Thanks." Virgil managed as Remy handed him the glass.

"Youre fine, gurl, i get this kind of thing a lot. The staff here get stressed all the time and someones gotta help calm 'em down, y'know?"

"Yeah."

"Besides, gotta have you in top condition so i can 'scold you' as Perce puts it, or as i like to say, roast your sorry ass."

"Really? What did i fuck up this time?"

"Oooh gurl you wouldnt believe it. So much that the cat wants your hide."

"The cat?"

"The cat."

Virgil wasn't quite smiling, but his eyes werent as sad any more.

Remy lay back on his bed like he owned it.

"Nah, I'm messing with ya."

"I know." Virgil couldnt help a small smile.

"Its not the cat, hun, its the rats that cat's chasing that want your blood. Have fun arguing with rodents."

"That bad huh?"

"Nah not really. Percy wants to help you with some stuff you were struggling with today."

"Struggling?" Virgil raised an eyebrow at the other man.

Remy chuckled. "Gurl, you and i both know you aren't really the prince. Gotta have someone in on the secret to help before everyone is."

"Touché."

After Remy left, Virgil lay back on his bed, realising just how exhausted he was. This wasn't going to get any easier. But maybe it could, at the very least, be possible.