#im either tired or feeling like i failed myself and i hate it because its true

[evermoredeluxe]

.

[sprinklethetangerine]

I think this is a pretty reasonable situation to cry in, right?

[babysungs]

[eleven] in every cosmos | han jisung smau

11 - grafias

words : 1.7k

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a/n : omg a double upload from user babysungs :o my brain was going crazy about writing this part and i coukdnt help myself!! bit of a longer written chapter but i think its worth it :) i didnt edit it too much so i hope there arent many mistakes!! enjoy :)

Opening the door to the restaurant you were expecting many more people than there were, only seeing two people, but you supposed that it was for the better. Big crowds werent really your thing anyway.

hey binnie!! im here waiting for you :)

No response.

I guess its to be expected, you were here about thirty minutes earlier than you were supposed to be. He was probably just leaving his apartment. Still, you couldnt help but be weary at the fact that he hadnt bothered to read your message.

Thirty minutes. Thirty minutes had gone by without a single message from changbin. Surely he should be here soon, unless he wasnt planning on coming at all. You were confused and a tiny bit hurt, failing miserably at not jumping to conclusions way too early. Were you being stood up? Could you even be stood up if this wasnt a date? Had he found out about your affection towards him and now wants to make a joke out of you? What exactly was going o-

Ding.

The door had opened. You looked up in anticipation, praying desperately to see Changbin walk through the clear glass door that you had been watching like a hawk for the longest thirty minutes of your life.

… Jisung? you thought to yourself

Great, first you get stood up then the one person who manages to make you feel like shit at every encounter shows up. Just fucking great.

“What are you doing here?” Jisung questions, putting an emphasis on the “you” as if you werent allowed to eat in public. “Waiting for your little boyfriend I assume.”

“What? What boyfriend?” You had never been more confused in your life. Since when did you have a boyfriend?

“Yeah. Your boyfriend. Changbin?”

You couldn’t help but become a bit flushed at the thought of Changbin bein considered your boyfriend, though it like would never happen.

“Jisung what the fuck are you talking about right now? Changbin is not my boyfriend” you shoot back starting to get annoyed.

“Oh dont act like you two arent together. I should have known since the first day I saw you guys on a date at that stupid cafe.” Jisung was also starting to get annoyed. How could you and Changbin keep denying your relationship when he had seen it for himself?

“Dude we had JUST met that day. We didnt even know each other”

“Yeah I call bullshit but sure.”

“Okay you know fucking what Jisung-“ you started, completely ready to rip the taller brunette to shreds at this point though you were interrupted.

“Alright calm down lets not overreact please.” That voice was all too familiar.

“Changbin??? What the fuck are you doing here I thought you were standing me up!” you were completely enraged at this point. Not only had Jisung riled you up but now Changbin was standing here acting as if he hadnt kept you waiting for what felt like hours?

“Y/n, I didnt stand you up I promise,” Changbin starts, “please just let me and seungmin explain before you chop my head off.”

“Seungmin what the fuck dude??” Jisung was equally as stunned and not-so-equally as enraged as you were.

“Ji just shut up and listen to Changbin please.”

Everyone got quiet allowing Changbin the floor to explain what kind of weird misunderstanding they were in now.

“You and Y/n have some weird beef with each other that you need to talk about. I think you both have some misconceptions about each other and you need to work them out now because constantly being in the middle of this is so tiring. I hate fighting with either of you to defend the other when both of you are my closest friends.”

Friends. Right. The word stings in your chest as you had almost forgotten what you were to Changbin. His friend, nothing more nothing less.

“Oh whatever you cant force me to talk to them.” Jisung spits, pulling you out of your own head.

“Trust me I dont want to be here more than you do.”

“See. That right there. It needs to stop” Changbin continues visibly aggravated, “youre both staying here until you can work out whatever weird fucking tension there is between you.”

Changbin and Seungmin walk towards the door leaving you and a very confused and peeved Jisung standing closer than you realize at first.

“We’re locking you in. Please try talk it out and try to get along” Changbin says as hes locking the door.

“Where did you even get the key???”

“I rented the place out for a day. Good luck!” He throws two thumbs up and walks away with Seungmin.

Great.

“Dickheads” Jisung mutters under his breath, “why do I have to be stuck here with you.”

Now you were seriously getting upset. It wasnt even anger, just pure sadness at the fact that one of your biggest idols, the man you looked up to and loved most out of any musician to walk the earth, hated you so much he regarded you amongst the trash of the earth. He held such disdain for you and you had no idea why.

“Jisung. Why do you hate me so much? What have I done?” you ask desperately trying not to let the tears slip

“Are you serious?” he scoffs, until he looks at you and sees the deadly serious expression on your exhausted face. “.. Fine. I hate you because not only did you completely ignore my existence when Changbin first brought you to the studio, you also stole him from us. He stopped hanging out with us to hang out with you all the time until I called him out for it. I get youre his partner but fucks sake he needs to make time for his best friends and music partners too.”

Jisung watched as your face went from serious to utterly confused when he started explaining. It mad him even more mad at you, how could you be such a terror in his life and act like you dont know anything about it?

“I think Changbin was right when he said there were big misunderstandings between us.” Jisung scoffed loudly at your start, not believing you for a second. “Jisung let me finish before you blow everything im about to say off. Please.”

You saw Jisungs expression change as he settled himself into the booth you were both sitting at. “Alright fine. Go ahead.”

“Thank you. For starters, I didnt ignore you. I said hi to you and tried to talk to you several times but you either just didnt answer or couldnt hear me. But I tried really hard to make conversation and get to know you, I would never in a million years pass up the chance to befriend my favorite musician in the world”

Jisung did not expect those words to come out of your mouth in a million years. He could feel his heartbeat pick up a bit, choosing to ignore it as if it werent happening. “And Im not dating Changbin. At all. We’re honestly just good friends and even if i were dating him, strong if, I would never take up all of his time especially when I know how important your friendship is and how busy you guys get. That is not the type of person I am at all and maybe you could never come to like me or be friends with me but please dont think of me so harshly. I really didnt mean to make you feel that way about me. Im sorry.”

He was dumbfounded. Truly blown away at the fact that he was so quick to judge you and hate you for something that was completely his fault, and that you were the one who felt bad and even apologized. Jisung realized what an asshole he had been to someone who did not deserve it in the slightest.

“Y/n I-“ you quickly cut him off, not prepared to be berated by him again.

“Please dont say anything I understand you dont like me but I cant take-“

“Let me finish.” Jisung had gently rested his hand on your forearm, which had been laying on the table. His hands were so soft and he was holding your arm so tenderly- wait. Why is your heart racing so fast? He noticed your flushed face and eyes that kept glancing at his hand on you and he couldnt help but smile to himself a bit.

You nodded your head, signaling to Jisung that he could continue.

“I was going to say Im sorry. I had no idea that I was the problem this whole time and treated you so badly for nothing. Truthfully I felt bad about being mean to you because I thought you actually could be nice but I was stubborn and felt like you deserved my hate. I am so sorry.”

“Oh … its okay. Thank you for apologizing.” Your voice had gone quiet, not expecting Jisung to be so warm and kind to you. You tried relentlessly to ignore the roaring butterflies in your stomach.

“Of course. So ..” the man started, smiling to himself a bit, “your favorite musician in the whole world huh?”

Shit. You didnt even realize you said that. You could feel his confidence dripping from that stupid smirk on his face.

“Pffft whaaaat who said that that wasnt me I dont even know you who are you again?”

“Yeah okay whatever at least I have something to brag to Changbin about when we leave here.” he laughs, “Friends?“

Jisung mentally curses himself for sticking his hand out when he feels the warmth from yours meet him in the middle, the motion only making his heart beat faster. He prayed desperately hoping you couldnt hear it thumping out of his chest.

“Friends.”

You both shake on it with smiles, both trying to ignore that fluttering feeling in your chests growing bigger the longer you held hands.

Though neither of you would never admit this, you both were overthinking the rest of your time together waiting for Changbin and Seungmin to get back with the keys. You kept on with your conversation, talking about any and everything to keep yourselves from dying of boredom and hunger, but neither of you knew that the other was having the same thoughts deep in the back of their minds.

Why does my heart keep racing when im next to you?

taglist | @gyuville @kikivonpoopyhead @sohyeappy @enaluvs @mits-vi @spikertrash @dynarvot

bold means i cant tag!! sorry :(

[queen-of-darkness001]

Trigger warning ⚠️

Hey fellows,

I'm fucked up seriously writing this and sobbing feeling clueless about everything

I'm taking therapy for approximately 2 years and half and was diagnosed w bpd

And i was happy knowing what im goin through, like finally i have justifications and interpretations of each behavior I've always had, i read a lot, and even write a lot about this mental illness to transmit awareness to others. But what about me? I literally get obsessed with my dreams and it's not recent it was like this since my childhood, like i do escape into them even if they were bad, i turned every kind of nightmare into a short story and started publishing part of them after my blog was launched.

I encountered many distresses in my childhood , wished them to be triumphed

But they didn't they just became accumulated and caused me to be involuntary melancholic... i went to therapy because i tried hard w myself but i couldn't always find solutions for my case individually, i had anger issues , panic disorder, anxiety disorder, depressive episodes and manic episodes which are inclined to make me extremely crazy, like a balloon you whiff inside and the air blown makes it bigger and bigger until it explodes, then i feel nothing and deteriorate mentally and physically just going through dissociation, get obsessed with my dreams instead of living in reality... so once i thought that these means are just temporary and i need an expert to fix that disfunctioning machine , i went to a psychiatrist to help me out of this zone, i was literally loving people in an aggressive way instead of expressing love appropriately i just fuck it up ... I'm a writer and i wrote most of times for myself , also an artist and i did express myself a lot but for people it was rare because i was ashamed of the pain I'm carrying,  used to hide it thinking i might be a burden or pain might be underestimated by others. After a while i decided to choose being seen like enough is enough this creativity is fuckin getting outI started to write because i like it... and paint to express myself to people and to myself either. That helped me quite good through my sessions as well

And made me more honest and less ashamed of myself likewise,  my pain can be seen.

But here we go again after a time of self love and awareness here we go extreme either up or down and suffer into both processes... seeking help without uttering a word ... at the same time they get out of my mouth because i can't hold them anymore, instead of a person who's passionate i turn into a beast looping in a labyrinth its ending is foggy and can't be accessed. I have a husband, that already makes me happy and I'm very grateful, speaking of this I'm a very giving person and because of therapy and my efforts i just became more giving and caring

But most of times im being taken by others as a lazy person they can't get it that im fuckin tired and i cant manage it... i take meds and attend sessions and doing my best but my 100% is often seen as 1% by ambience people.

My mom and my husband are very helpful God bless them but whenever i look at them having other priorities to do aside of helping me at home or whatever i feel extremely guilty and i hate myself the double .

I wish i could do more but this is my capacity. I act within it.

I try to be productive, helpful and a giver but i fail sometimes too. Most likely not comparable with anyone else because a mental disorder isn't as simple as they think

I pass through 3 different phases daily

And i feel everything or feel nothing amongst them

I feel lost despite i know what i want

I feel sometimes that i wanna separate from all people and isolate myself

Im paranoid most of times that they might die or abandon me despite they're loyal and trustworthy

It's just me

I'm always triggered I'm always concerning about details my brain feels like a battlefield without a single exaggeration. I prone to explain a lot sometimes it helps and sometimes it makes me creepy and intimidating for others. Yes honesty sometimes is a curse

I'm honest about fragility but im a beast if someone tried to turn it against me not to work on it. Eventually im trying my best idk who's reading, who's interested but i just spelled all my thoughts here rn which are just a sample of what i actually encounter everyday. I wish i could rest.

I wish i could wash away my pain .

But all ik , all the positivity i get from here -is that i decreased the anger issues, am -being aware about myself and telling people about it even if my hands were shaking meanwhile narrating details that might be seen as shame

- defending myself despite i hate myself sometimes

- i stopped cutting and preferred smoking over it as a less dangerous self harm

- im good to my husband and family and even strangers who need my help

- im focused on writing and painting

- i give myself time to rest even though ig might extend but i always try to reach to a settlement with my husband to make him less burdened

- i find solutions meanwhile problems instead of just arguing and reaching no point

- i became so domestic and that causes me less anxiety because i hate going out usually. Doesn't change the fact that i love going out too with a safe company like my husband

- i was yearning if i would be a bad mother one day but with this amount of love and care i can give limitless support and provide my kid with joy at any cost

- whenever i do sth wrong recklessly i try to set boundaries and correct myself i even sometimes control myself not to do these stuff before they happen.

Had to vent because im off today and been worse since i had spasms and lost my ability to move my extremities for a while... now im good but feels like my first time in a gym and my muscles hurt af

...and in closure, i usually need confirmation from people about myself and a lot of praises

But im working on this now and trying to be neutral as never been before .

[whenitgrowsbright]

all my classmates dont seem to understand something about me. i dont really like half the things i talk about. i cant stomach blood. i hate sex, i hate drugs. i hate murder. im not a huge fan of arson. i couldnt kill a man in cold blood, i couldnt stomach it. i honestly hate hurting people and i only fight to get out too much energy and emotion. i think drugs should be legal so addicts were safer. i dont want them. i dont drink. i dont want to, either. im tired of being the person that everyone thinks i am. i listen to loud music to drown out sound and because the lyrics are pretty, i like calm music too. i like space and oceans and the sky. i think butterflies and moths are really cool. i could wander a wildlife sanctuary for hours. i get stressed and upset when things are off kilter and unclear. i want to stay alive. i have a tendency toward loneliness. i get overwhelmed easily. i'm usually cold all the time. i pirate music so i dont have to deal with loud and bothersome ads. i like swords because of the care and skill it takes to wield them. i like wearing band and hockey shirts and hoodies, but never jerseys. i like vampires and deserts, especially combined. i dont wear much loud clothing because i get headaches, and stripes make my eyes hurt sometimes. i like kids shows and horror mostly makes me want to help the people being hurt, as well as the bad guys-- not to hurt people, but to help the antagonists stop hurting people. im scared of dogs, but not huskies or dogs ive known a long time. i think rats are cute. i dont hate people, generally. im in pain a lot. i read fanfiction whenever im stressed or upset, and only a little less when im happy. i paint as a form of self expression. when i hurt myself its usually either an accident or a response to feeing untethered. i fail gym because my body hurts a lot. i used to struggle with anorexia because it felt like it was the only thing under control, as a lot of people i cared about were dying and getting hurt. my favourite colour is gold, with blue and red as a second place tie. i only like really soft blues and slate blue. i like dark brown hair. i tend to joke so other people will like me. my main motivation is having people like me. i like comics more than novels. i watch clouds. my favourite birds are sparrows. i like cacti a lot. im more than dark jokes and impatience. i believe that all should just live and let live, and if we did that we could be better. i struggle with self expression. i feel guilty a lot, like im always doing something wrong. i worry as much for people who hurt me as those who help me.

[obey-me-headquarters]

MANHWA RECS??? Say no more.

The Villainess is a Marionette / The Way to Save the Female Lead's Older Brother both have frankly unreasonably beautiful art and pretty badass, calculating, very unreasonably attractive heroines.

Death is the Only Ending for a Villainess is another manhwa with a really cool female lead who's very pragmatic and relatable, she's one I'm really rooting for.

The Great Wish is a more plot-intensive but slow-moving politically motivated manhwa with some very nice character development and really neat grey vs grey morality.

I Failed to Throw the Villain Away is a secret pleasure of mine. The art is very pretty, the male lead is pretty much batshit insane, and he and the female lead are both traumatized by a fucked up childhood they spent together (the male lead was a slave in the female lead's household).

Ohhhhh, nice recs!

I heard about some of these before! I think I tired to get into The Villainess Is A Marionette, but I don't think I found a very good translation and so I couldn't get into it. I like to read Manhwa to turn my brain off and just enjoy the romance, so I'm very particular about the translation lol.

I heard about The Way To Save The Female Lead's Other Brother from a strong female progtagist listing. But I found myself not liking the characters that much? I felt like the female lead was a little too cold hearted for my taste. Honestly I really, really enjoy strong, takes no bullshit Mcs, than Mcs that are bashful or insecure. But I don't think cold hearted Mcs are for me. It's the reason when I couldn't get into The Lady And The Beast, even though, on paper, I should have really enjoyed the Mc.

I think I recognize the cover to Death Is The Only Ending For The Villainess but I can't remember if I actually read it or not... guess it's going on my to read list lol.

The Great Wish and I Failed to Throw The Villain Away both look really good! I also haven't heard of either of them! Though, im a little weary about reading less popular Manhwas purely because I worry what the translation quality will be.....

Now, to get into some of MY recs.

When I first got into My Gently Raised Beast I was expecting myself not to like it. The Mc is your typical shy, and "Oh, the male lead could *never* fall for me" type of character. Which i really hate. What had me holding on was the male lead. There's nothing outright special about him, but I just really enjoyed that he thinks about what the Mc might want. He's never pushy, or forceful, and tries to do everything the "correct" way so they can be together. Honestly, it was very refreshing. I always dislike harsh male leads that never seem to question what their love interest would feel, so seeing this guy be thoughtful was really nice. Overall, just a really sweet story.

Beware The Villainess is truly my favorite Manwha of all time. I think I love absolutely everything about it. The Mc is the classic "isekaied onto the villain but is actually a good person" trope. The Mc takes no shit from aby of the guys around her, and has an incredibly wholesome friendship with another girl character. The love story between the Mc and the male lead honestly blew me away. It's basically a role reversal, were the girl is all tough and headstrong, and the guy is more shy and bashful. I never seen a role reversal done like this in a Manwha before and I absolutely ADORE it! The Female lead is all "let *me* protect *you*" and she does! Really, that's all I want in a role reversal lol. Yet the Mc isn't cold or unfeeling at all, she's still very sweet and has empathy. Honestly, the male lead just gives me such "I can peg him" vibes its amazing lol. Definitely a must read!

Again, The Reason Raeliana Ended up at the Duke’s Mansion seems like a Manwha I would have really disliked. The male lead is forceful and doesn't care about the Mcs feelings. The Mc is insecure to an almost insane level. So why did I read every single chapter of this Manwha? Well, for starters it has one of the best translations I ever seen. And. I don't really know? This was the first Manwha I ever read, so I wasn't really intune with kind of things I liked and disliked in a Manwha. I found it a while later, and decided to pick up roughly where I left off, and once you get past the whole "Male lead is a jerk and the Mc doesn't really wanna be with him" it's actually a really sweet story! (When the two leads actually love each other, the story is actually sweet! Who knew! /j) The manwha is finished, and fully translated and easy to find and read. It's also incredibly funny and has a really good art style. If you're willing to put up with some of the things I listed, then I think you should give it a try.

Inso's Law is different as in its set in the present day, but I actually think this is one of my favorite piece of media ever lol. It's just, so incredibly good! Basically, the plot is that this girl doesn't really get Iskeaied into a story, but more so a book she's reading kinda becomes reality and she's gets placed as the female leads best friend. That's not really spoilers because you fund this out in like, the first chapter lol. It's incredibly instructing and really deals with the stress of being Iskeaied. Also, every character is so incredibly flushed out, not just the Mc and the love interest! The story is extremely funny, while also having a lot of heart and feels. I wouldn't really call the Mc a strong female character, but more of a regular person. I would recommend this to people who even hate Iskeai stories because this one does it in such a unique way that I think everyone should read.

It's been a while since I read Who Made Me A Princess but I found myself really enjoying it when I first read it. Unlike the others, this is a family story instead of a romance focused story like the others. The father is pretty typical guy for a Manwha, as in he's very cold and unfeeling and it's the Mcs job to "fix" him. Honestly I normally really dislike these stories, but since they're so common in the genre I kinda forced myself to tolerating it lol. But when you actually get into the story, and pass the father being a jerk, the relationship they build together is actually very sweet. I also found the beginning to extremely hilarious, and the side characters to be very likeable.

I really, really enjoyed Tricked Into Becoming The Heroine's Stepmother. It's a very laid back story, which I honestly prefer lol. Hugh fansty is nice, but when you have to start taking notes on what the characters are saying, and their nations relationships with each other, it becomes a little too much for me lol. Unlike the last rec, this dad really really loves his daughter, and it's why he's cold to the Mc! That passes extremely quickly tho, so if you're worried about that don't worry. The relationship between the Mc and the male lead is extremely natural, and it was something I found really really cute in this story. The basic plot is the Mc gets sent into the book her and her friends made, but years before the story takes place, now she teams up with the male lead to stop certain things from happening. It's a really cute read, and I definitely loved how the kid character was protrayed!

The Monster Duchess And The Contract Princess is a really cute read! There's basically no romance in this, and instead focuses on the family aspect! The basic plot is the Mc wants to create a contract with this real scary noble family in exchange for protection. I loved the adopted mother, and how lowkey intense she is, while also being very sweet. It's a very good read if you like adult characters looking after mistreated children.

The Remarried Empress has so much emotional depth, and great characters, that I actually got a little mad when I would read through the comments while I read this story. Characters make bad choices, but you completely understand why they did and where they're coming from. The Mc is cold and doesn't show much emotion, but you know exactly when she's like that. Her husband is a jerk, and is the villain of the story, but I still found myself able to understand his viewpoint and where he was coming from. I actually ended up feeling really bad for the rival girl (?? What do you call the character that's like a rival to the main girl? Whatever, rival girl works lol) because I understand where she's coming from! Basically every character makes really bad mistakes, but I can understand their view point. The story is very nuanced, and a great read if you like those kind of stories.

Ok, so I'm going to be honest, I really really love reverse harem stories. Which is why I absolutely adore My Next Life As A Villainess: All Routes Lead To Doom! It's extremely funny, like, the humor is definitely one of its main selling points. There's also female love interests too!! Which is always a delight to see in reverse harem stories. It was really interesting seeing the Mc befriend and make all the other characters fall for her, even when she doesn't realize how much of a player she is lol. Overall the story has a lot of heart, and is very funny! (I really struggle to find a reverse harem story that I like because this was one of the first I read and it set the bar SO high for me, so if yall have any suggestions I would love to hear them lol)

That's all the Manhwas I can think of right now! If yall have any more recommendations I would love to hear them! As yall can tell, I kinda crazy about Manhwas lol.

[greatbigshabba-blog]

i wish i was cis, yk? like i really hate being trans, its an opinion i keep mostly to myself but im trans because i wish i was a cis woman. I never realized how bad it hurt until i started medically transitioning, but being percieved as a man in public makes me feel so horrible that its not even worth it. I do all this work, all the time, and its not enough.

Im older, 25, going to college because after 2 failed attempts, i want to make the debt mean something. I want that fucking piece of paper that says i didnt give up. Im even taking an in person class about something im very interested in to keep my moral up, but, its a discussion based class and i so deeply want to be included. Im paired up in this group of 5 and no one knows how to interact with me, my ideas are shot down and im forced to be silent. Thats an intrensictly womanhood thing yk? but not when the rest of the group was women. They could all connect on some level that they wouldnt let me in on. I know theres an aspect to this, that people who deserve my presence will acknowledge me as human, but its too little too late. How am i supposed to feel like a woman when im treated like an animal. I left that class crying, just because i couldnt handle the pressure of being my own advocate.

I try really hard. on a certain level i even think i "pass", i know im not even unattractive. Sometimes, men hit on me and make uncomfortable advances. But then, most of the time, im treated horribly and wrongly by everyone. I work a service job, and every day, all day, 5 days a week im dealt with microaggressive blows only to be mopped up by 1 customer in every 50 that treats me either like a sex object or a human.

I have a wonderful girlfriend. The best love i have ever experienced. she loves me, treats me right, but she is cis. I complain about these pangs, and she cant help. She knows im a woman. It hurts even more becuase i cant know what that means to her on a deep level. She loves me too much for me to trust her about my transition.

I have one hope, that im somehow able to afford the surgeries, all of them. Just so that i can stop feeling so hopeless about my gender of all fucking things. Gender! something so much of the population never even has to think about and im prepared to be in a lifetime of debt in order to get to that same place. Im not okay, im so tired, i cant do this anymore and i want to be cis so badly.

i have a multitude of trans friends, im not helped by them either. I only feel ungrateful that i cant be as trans as them, as euphoric in the identity of transness that they sometimes embody. My own trans misogony is running so deep that i cant happily be trans like them and im trying so so hard to fix that. Im done tho, i want the surgeries, i want to say i have undeniably done everything i could besides being born cis. I cant enjoy my body anymore, its a violent prison that i feel i extole violently on the public population. My day to day life feels like a brawl that i am losing.

[wonderfail33]

imma write here cause on another blog i have posted something in support of palestine and i genuinely want to continue with that.

however i am also tired. and ashamed of being tired. i am horrified and numb at the same time.

i fail because of "boycott fatigue" (i fall into old habits in a careless, tired, maybe ill moment) and my thought process is that this one time doesnt matter because i am still generally following the boycott, and it also doesnt make a difference because so many people arent.

such as my friends.

people that i love deeply have refused to sign a petition at the very start of the "war" for pur country to demand ceasefire.

people that i love dearly have confused palestine for pakistan and i was left speechless.

at moments i wonder: how can i care so deeply? one might argue that i dont care deeply enough if im imperfect with my boycott. one might argue that i am a privileged brat for being exhausted after so little.

but i care deeply enough for it to affect me mentally.

i cannot follow content to keep up with events because it makes me genuinely depressive (rightly so. everything is horrifying).

i cannot sit in peace if im not shown content about current events. i dont want to be complicit, but i am, by the fact that i am born in europe. i could be a literal saint and would still be complicit.

i cannot make peace with this.

and there are other things. and im depressed in general. today i was in the city centre, it was a bright day with fresh air, a blue sky, and i was waiting for my bus. i felt like my life is a mistake, beause my brain cannot be happy similarly to how i have seen other people be happy. i looked up at a seagull flying overhead, saw the way the sunlight lit up its feathers. the world is beautiful. and i wanted to cry.

a homeless man stopped to ask me if i was crying and why.

i feel fake, i feel alien, i feel useless and i feel complicit. who would i talk to? therapy is white supremacy.

my therapist has told me that i focus my energy on current events to escape my life and find emotional release. such a double bind

i want to care about current events, i want to help other people, and yet there is this question to it. do i are to avoid my own life? i don't do this on purpose. and i would hate myself if i had to force myself to not care.

my natural state is caring about this. and i wonder why. it feels broken, relative to other people. so many in my surroundings only care about themselves.

a tangent. i genuinely suck at feminine beauty. i wonder why. my mother is a beautiful woman. she was a beautiful girl. my father is handsome. my ancestors are beautiful. why do i fail at beuty, then?

i fail at skincare because it wasnt taught to me. i know my mother had beauty products, old makeup, that always felt like a treasure when i managed to get into it. she didnt use them. and she also didnt teach me to use them. my mother was busy with her mental health and with my brother.

she commented on how nicely i grew up by myself (while my brother had to be raised / developed because of his disabilities). and then she looks at me and wonders where her little girl is.

her little girl is so abandoned. she is so lost. she has been alone for 20 years. she felt ignored, she felt attacked, she felt that she was not defended, she needed to grow up, be smart, be responsible qnd needed to take it.

now that im all grown up she feels like she has missed out on being my mother. and she has!

my father has been physically abusive and i still feel more...attached to him. god i just realised why i have disorganized attachment.

[there is no intent, this is just emotion i want to express] i want to die at this point.

this is why so many artists have offed themselves at 27. at this loint, either you have grown into a secure person, or you may not be aware of your issues and compensate well...or, and i think this is the dangerous option, you may be aware of some of your issues and they just feel so overwhelming. you might think, my frontal lobe is now done. i am an adult. i can look back at my life and reflect on it and i see a lot of shitty events. i can look back on my childhood expectations and see that i have failed so much of them. i can look at my inner teen and they won't even look back. and i can look at my recent mindset and expectations and all this in one big pile feels like too much shit for my recently adult brain to handle.

i just think of how i'm only gonna get "older", of how i am a "useless" woman, if i were a man i would at least be a fucking bachelor or some shit but im just a lonely unwanted woman that doesnt even want kids so she will die alone...

oh god i am so fucked in the head.

so yeah its not (only?) that i want to take my mind off myself with current events but once i realise how i relate to current events, it's all just too much.

second tangent.

i started thinking about how i even knew about palestine. and the holocaust. i saw posts that american parents try to figure out when to tell kids about the nazis. and i dare not mention how poc kids grow up, with all the racism there. an i realised i did not learn of palestine, jewish people, or even the holocaust from my parents. no, i was a good little child, i read fiction, and i read my fathers medical biology textbook (idk, i loved it). i learned of these in school, from a teacher who managed to somehow speak to my neglected teenage heart who just wanted society to all play nice, and from her i learned of the palestinian people. in history calss i heard first of the holocaust, but this teacher mentioned it 2 years earlier and i had 0 clue what she was talking about. my classmates did, though.

i have always been behind on trends, pop culture, whatever else, partly because my parents took pg ratings very seriously. and partly because i was so isolated from other kids. i feel like i grew up in a tower, isolated, where visitors were allowed but never encouraged, and i... i wish i could undo that. i dont want to be the kid thats out of the loop and i dont want to learn qbout horrific things years after my peers have.

oh god i feel so useless.

"why do you feel useless, it was not your job as a teen to intuit this shit" idk man. i always felt so ashamed when i didnt know stuff that others did. not even because i was expecting to be better than them. but i didnt want to be less than them.

i am so done with the games i had to play as a human, as a girl. i wish i had been a plant instead.

my mother hugged me when i was little, and sometimes instead of nighttime stories, she told me about the "communist" dictatorship in our country that happened when she was young. why the fuck did she not tell me about the holocaust? or palestine? did i have to learn about hannuka from fucking arthur the animated series?

i also miss my grandparents. i know it has been very long since i talked with them. however i simply cannot make myself. i am ashamed of my grandfather, and i am angry at him. he is supposed to be an intelligent man! and he has such a bad worldview, he has prejudices that he himself days he had contrary experiences to, and yet he holds them! i am supposed to love him but his views disgust me! i am supposed to love my grandmother, who couldnt forgive my mother for divorcing my father once their relationship had become toxic, and who trusted her son so little that she wanted to get information out of me, the woman that made herself a pity party when i was failing at university! how can i love them? how can i hate them? why are these feelings so close to each other?

im pretty sure i have also hurt my family members. i dont wanna say these were justified, that would be fucking foolish. but i was a kid and it was their job to introduce me to living in society and in my opinion they have fucking failed at that!

did they fail because of their own malice? no! they were doing their best! but your best is not enough for 2 kids when one is disabled, no one has processed their own traumas and we are also living in a postcommunist country years behind "the west"! it was simply not fuckig enough! and i dont want to say that its my brothers fault because how the fuck would it be, it is also not my fault that i was born... but it was his appearance that stirred this cocktail the most.

on the other hand, i simply cannot die, being a daughter of witches, nazis, drunks and cheaters, i still was born and given the opportunity to do something! i just need a way.

[tears-of-boredom]

man i love the way tumblr uses the words "boy" and "girl". like its in this way where it doesnt seem like a dichotomy. like,, there are other words as well, but girl and boy just happened to be the ones used this time. i like that about tumblr. and I think it has played a role in me getting more comfortable calling myself a girl.

and okay im doing this now fuck it.

so, I don't like being called a boy, aside from like, referring to me in a jokey way or something. and while my self-insert characters can be gendred whicever way, using any pronouns,, I myself dont like the thought of other people using she/her or he/him for me. and even though i do sometimes use she/her to refer to my younger self, i dont like using any pronouns other than they/them for current me. and this is all subjective to english. because finnish has only two 3rd person pronouns, and im fine with both of them.

oh and I absolutely fucking hate the finnish word for girl. sounds so horrible to my ears. in finnish, id prefer it if no one referred to me with "boy/girl" type of words. and I don't even like using them for myself.

and just the point of this was that, I think i have a lot of internalised issues towards being a girl, and because of that ive been avoiding that part of my identity. and how ive done that, is that while i have technically included that in my online identity(because i dont really discuss my gender irl), ive also included in my identity a lot of other terms, like "boy" for example, that ive used to like, dilute the girl part. like my logic has been "well yeah im a girl, but look at all these other things im also! arent they so interesting and more important than the girl?"

so like, I didnt actually work through my issues with that part of my identity, i just kind of ignored them. it was just easier that way. but now like,, im dont like how people act towards me irl either way, so I might as well accept the fact that I feel a bit like a girl sometimes. and that is okay. i think one reason it has been difficult to accept, is that I just dont think im a "proper" girl. like when people use "girls" to refer to a specific group of people, I am not a part of that. and while i do accept all types of girls, ive failed to internalise that. all other girls can be weird and odd and "un-girl-like", except me. but now ive like just, had this realisation, that that extends to me. if i feel like a girl, i am a girl. there is no requirements other than that. it does not matter what my hobbies and interests and manners and way of dressing is. like fucking FINALLY. oh my god. I feel like im free. of what i know not. im just free.

i do still hate the way gender is used to categorise and sort people. but also I'm not the one doing that. it is not my fault. im not contributing to that by identifying as a girl.

i think a more fitting term for me would be "demigirl", but because i dont really like using any labels, i will not be using that.

so yeah. im really tired ive been sitting in this hot car for like 20 minutes omg someone help me before i melt.

[pinkadork]

I wasnt just tired from the game or being up late. I was tired. I could feel everything getting worse and i kept trying to cling to them. I wanted to show i cared i felt like an ass after the night before id thought on shit and thought i could make it better. I made it worse and then wanted to be hurt about it and i was just an ass. Ive been an ass. But that day i became everything i swore i wouldnt. I cemented everything negative ever said about me. I fucked up. I had been fucking up yeah but i fucked it. I couldnt get past myself and see the bigger picture. I was so caught up in being alone that i didnt even stop once to think. Nigga i hate myself. And i should tbh. I keep being like i miss them i wanns be with them but is also like.

I cant man. Not rn. And maybe mot ever. But certainly not now. I need to find out how fix myself, i gotta be able to not let peoples coping skills that they have intact, be a thing that i feel like plsys into my insecurities. I dont want the insecurities. I love them. And i feel like i always will but like. How do i even show that at this point? And even if i do show that, why does it have to be that i want ti get back with them? I should be okay with just being friends and accept thats what we need to be. I can't pretend i dont have issues, and in the same light i can't act like my heart longs for them. I hate that im like this. I feel like im always gonna be a parsite as long as breathe. People only stay around me and talk to me or wanns do things with or for me because they care right?

But its like base level, dont die, and thats my fault. I'm not trying to gain sympathy but when i talk sbout i feel like i am. I end up feeling like all im doing is seeking attention and validation. I constantly want to know shit like, do you love me, are we good, are we okay, because i always felt like i was fucking up. When shit would get to a certain point and i mean for the worse, it feel like the same thing everytime, i hurt you, you hurt me, we apologize, we press forward but no one really forgives or forgets, we held it and went back and forth and when times were "good" I'd think, man we're gonna be okay, and inevitably something would happen. Sometimes us, sometimes work. Sometimes life . Either way I've felt like i failed you the entire time anyways and then I'd get bitter when you'd confirm it honestly. I'd feel like i kept trying to make thing better and go forward to do what i can to make you happy while we were here despite everything but i didnt fucking just accept that the reason you werent happy was because you were here. It always felt like it was me you wanted to leave not here. To the point i stopped listening even when you clearly werent.

I cant go back to therapy until august, when i do theyre supposed to check me see how im doing on meds and what not. My family doesnt want me to talk to you either. I wanna talk to you, sometimes i feel like too much. But in general i love having you my life. Its weird, its probably gonna be. I wanna try if you wanna try. I wanna show i can listen. I wanna show i care. I wanna show i support you and your choices. It doesn't have to lead to what ive been wanting. I just miss talking to my favorite person. I get my ranking fell. Its fine.

[prince-tulip]

Ive had to quit smoking, ive had to stay off social media and delete most of it besides this and Facebook and god do i want to get rid of this shit, i hate everything i see nowadays, it all makes me feel disgusting and ashamed, i hate the direction of the world. Ive had to stop drinking completely cause i was doing the worst shit, ive literally had to go celibate because sex and that kind of connection is so difficult for me and it has to mean something and i did have that but now im left with this trauma from it, it took so long to be comfortable and honest with my last partner in that way and now that i dont have that, its left me feeling like what we experienced wasn't real and either me or them finding that with someone else just makes so goddamn resentful. Idk if will ever properly feel the way i wanna in that aspect, not to mention just in general ive become so disgusted, used and abused with sex and porn, ive had to not watch porn or see anything resembling that because it just makes me worse, like crying immediately after masturbating just is not it bro lmao or crying while trying to move on with someone physically definitely aint fucking it, i tried and man did i fucking hate it, i felt my skin burning, sex and porn has had too much of a influence on my life, starting from a very young age and i want to break free. I dont give a fuck about kinks, i want SOMETHING MORE OUT OF LIFE. Ive had to cut out friends and say no to things that i would love to do but know i cant cause im not in the slightest ready for or not in the slightest are certain environments good for me, ive had to go to therapy once a week to keep from having more n more bpd episodes, ive had to sell my Xbox because im fuckkng tired of sitting on myass and playing video game after video game, like wtf am i doing. I use spotify, YouTube and Facebook and thats it now i want to get off of this site too bur god ive had it for so long...i just want to get out of this fucking mindeset, tiktok, instsgram, Facebook, twitch, discord, tumbkr, only fans, just the stupid fucking internet in general, shit... phones in general, im so fucking just lost when im involved in it all and all the people i see make me more lost with how they are, i dont understand and i dont want to be here to see anymore of it, Im desperately trying to stay alive and makes sense of everything and i just dont see it happening. Everything feels so fucked. This world, this life. The people. Myself. Im disgusted and i just want to be done. True connection doesn't exist, people are not people anymoreee. We are failing. All of us. Every second.

[watchmegetobsessed]

SAFE AND SOUND

a/n: this one took a little longer to write, but im so happy its finally finished! its not what i originally planned, i started a whole different plot but hated it so started again, but i might go back to the first story, so maybe more bodyguard!harry content is gonna come! anyway, hope you’ll enjoy this one!

pairing: Bodyguard!Harry X Reader

warning: use of weapon (no one dies), mentioning of cancer (no one is sick), sexual content

word count: 9.1k

masterlist

“This is not up for discussion, Y/N. What you are doing and what you are about to achieve soon might upset a lot of people that hold great power. We can’t just assume you’ll be fine, walking around like anyone else in the world.”

Your boss, Julian explains it to you, leaning onto his desk, trying his best to keep his cool about your protest to get you a guard to watch out for you and keep you safe. It’s been an ongoing struggle and fight you two have been having these past weeks and it became a burning situation since you’ve made some major progress in your project.

“I’m not some kind of royalty to have security with me all the time,” you grumble rolling your eyes.

“Not just royalties have guards, Y/N. Just accept it, that you’re valuable, your work is very important not just to our company but to the whole world. Do you not realize how big it is? You are close to having the cure to cancer, Y/N! You can easily get a Nobel-prize for that!”

“I know that it’s important, but no one knows me, no one will see me on the street and know who I am or what I do!”

“It’s not about the people on the street. The world is a dark place, darker than you could imagine. Please, just… I want to know that you’re safe.”

Staring back at him with your arms folded on your chest you contemplate his words. You can see the rationality in his words, it’s just that you don’t want to break your routine, you don’t want people around you all the time, you don’t want to end your privacy like that. But Julian is right, your work is important and there have already been a few attempts to steal your researches, but they miserably failed. However that doesn’t mean they will be stopped the next time as well.

“One guard,” you speak up. “Just one. I’m not gonna have a whole fucking team,” you tell him raising your eyebrows. He lets out a relieved sigh, a tiny smile tugging on his lips.

“I was hoping you’d say that.” Reaching out to the phone he presses the buzzer that signals to his assistant, Monica outside and a few moments later she walks in, accompanied with a tall, suited man, his green eyes immediately falling to you upon entering the room.

“Y/N, I took the courage to pick him out for you myself. This is Harry Styles, the best you can find in the city if not in the country,” Julian introduces him as he pushes himself away from his giant mahogany desk, walking closer to the man as they shake hands firmly. You stand up from the armchair you’ve been sinking into these past ten minutes and unsurely hold out your hand to the man.

“Harry Styles, pleasure to meet you,” he introduces himself, a thick British accent lacing through his voice and the way his green irises stare back at you, you can feel your heart fluttering in your chest. Mr. Styles is undeniably the most charming and handsome man you’ve ever met, with his perfectly carved cheekbones and chiseled jawline, pink lips and those enchanting green eyes framed by his thick lashes. There’s something in his appearance, something feminine, but still, he holds so much masculinity at the same time, it’s hard not to be enamored by him.

“Y/N Y/L/N,” you mumble your name, shaking his hand slightly before letting go of it.

“Details about your cooperation have already been discussed with the security agency and us, but of course, your word is what counts, so we’ll walk over the whole plan with you as well,” Julian explains to you and you nod shortly.

The three of you move to the conference room and the next hour goes by with working those so called details out, some of them are ridiculous, some of them you can get used to, at the end you are left with a somewhat bearable plan, but one thing is for sure. Harry Styles will be a big part of your life from now on.

THREE MONTHS LATER

The tiny pack of sugar tears open in your hands, but you put too much effort into it so the countertop is now covered with the content of the pack instead of ending up in your paper cup.

“Fuck,” you growl, dumping the empty pack into the trash before grabbing another one, hoping it won’t end up the same way.

“Let me help you,” a smooth, male voice speaks up next to you and Harry grabs the pack from your hands as he places his own coffee to the counter. You let him tear the pack open easily, pouring the sugar into your drink without problem before he puts the lid back to your cup.

“Thank you,” you mumble, closing your tired eyes for a split second. You’ve been overworking way too much these past weeks, it’s starting to shut your system down, but you don’t want to rest, not when you’re so close to finishing your project.

The past two weeks have been major, you finally made the progress you’ve been working towards for months now, letting you step into the last phase of your work finally. But it’s been a quite stressful time as you’ve been eager to finish as soon as possible, but that meant little to no time spent outside of your lab.

Harry shoots you a reassuring smile before you both grab your drinks and head out of the café in the direction of your workplace.

The past three months were one hell of a ride when it comes to Harry. You didn’t hide your dislike towards his continuous presence in your life, standing by your side wherever you went. It frustrated you, made you feel like you didn’t have your freedom any longer even though he never did anything to make you hate him. He was considerate, respectful and only wanted to do his job, yet you still gave him a hard time at the beginning, right until the need for his work was proved.

Two months ago someone broke into your apartment while you were out, they searched through the whole place, looking for something. Well, not just something, they were clearly interested in anything connected to your research, but luckily, you’re not dumb enough to just let these stuff lay around your home.

Even though you didn’t encounter the person responsible for it, the incident still shook your up. Knowing that someone could get into your personal space so easily, that they could have come at a time when you were home and vulnerable, it scared you. Harry was the person that eased the worry and fear in you, he took care of everything in an instant and upon his best advice, you moved to a new apartment with a higher security level. He even moved to the place next to yours so he could be as close to you as possible at all times. There was a much needed shift in your relationship after that and you didn’t see him as an intruder any longer in your life, but more as a hero.

“So would you like Italian or Mexican tonight for dinner?” Harry asks as the two of you enter the building, using your IDs you go through the massive security gates, the guards in post nodding in your way.

“Isn’t it your night to choose?” you smile at him sideways as you wait for the elevator.

“Okay, then Thai,” he smirks, making you laugh. “Hope you are not planning on eating it here again,” he gives you a warning look and you purse your lips.

“I have a lot to do, and—“

���Y/N, you need to rest sometimes,” he scolds you as if you were just a child.

“I do rest. Sometimes,” you answer with an innocent look as the elevator’s door slides open and you walk in with Harry following you right behind.

“Like once a week? Do you even sleep when you’re at home?”

“I do! Don’t make me look like I’m some kind of crazy workaholic!”

“I’m just worried about you, is all,” he sighs, giving you a hard look.

“Oh, Mr. Styles. If I didn’t know you better I would think you might have a soft spot for me,” you smirk at him teasingly before the elevator arrives to your floor and you walk out without a word. Harry just stares after you with a small smile tugging on his lips as he thinks about your words. It’s funny, especially because you both know something more than just a professional relationship has been going on between the two of you, only dancing around it as the situation is a little too complicated to address now.

It’s not like any rules are tying you down, but you would rather not mix up work with your private life. You might have feelings for Harry, but you refuse to act up on them until he is out of his duty as your personal guard.

Your days are usually the same. While you lock yourself up in your lab, working with no end, Harry stay either with you in there or he hovers around the door, keeping an eye on everyone and everything. Just the thought of his presence never fails to bring you a sense of comfort, knowing that you don’t have to worry about your safety until he is near. It might seem nerdy, but you can easily get lost in your work. It doesn’t feel like a job, growing up with parents who were excellent doctors and pharmacists themselves, you were doomed to be a science enthusiast yourself from the beginning. Learning has never been a task for you but a gift, as you liked to look at it.

Working overtime happens often because you lose touch with time easily once you get down to work. Nothing exists outside of your lab and you hardly realize how late it is until Harry usually warns you.

“I didn’t joke when I said I didn’t want to have dinner in here,” he steps into your sanctuary while you’re in the middle of running tests for the millionth time today. Pushing your glasses up to the top of your head while the machines are buzzing and whirling, you look up at him with a tired smile.

“Let me just… finish this one last test and then I promise we’ll head out.”

“Alright, but I’m watching you. No more tests,” he warns, sitting on one of the stools while you finish what you started.

Harry never really asked you about your work, for a while you weren’t even sure if he knows what you’re doing and why it’s so important. It was never discussed at the beginning and he never brought it up later either. But judging from the time he spends near you at the lab he must have picked up a few things about it surely.

The machines stop working and the tiny beeping sound signals that the results are out. You grab the long printed paper and start scanning the data, chewing on your bottom lip as you hope to find what you’ve been looking for all day. The numbers are coming in great, but it’s been like this for a while, it’s the end that never matches up with your expectations. So when you get there and see the graphs showing the result that you’ve been dreaming of since the start of the whole project years ago, your mouth falls open in disbelief even though it’s what you’ve been working for all this time.

“Oh my God,” you whisper.

“What?” Harry’s head snaps up in alert, jumping off the stool.

“I… I did it,” you breathe out, glancing up from the paper. “It’s my first time succeeding, Harry!” you start laughing, the shock taking over your whole body that you really did it this time.

“And what does that mean?”

“Come on, let me show you,” you tell him in excitement, pulling him over to the computer where you pull up all the data you’ve been working on. A virtual version of a cell comes up on the screen as you start typing, modelling what you want to show him. “This is a completely healthy cell, it’s what you are made of too, mostly,” you ass with a chuckle before another cell comes up on the screen. “And this is what cells that are affected by cancer look like.”

The difference is a lot more complicated than what you can explain to him in such a short time, but he can see it with his own eyes. The color, the shape, everything is different from the first one. Harry examines the screen and nods shortly, letting you know that he is following.

“I’ve been working on a substance that is able to not just detect the cancerous cells but it can also kill it effectively without hurting the healthy ones.”

You bring up the virtualized version of the substance you’ve been working on, a short animation showing how it can tell the two cells apart and only attack the cancerous one.

“I haven’t been able to get the numbers above 60% when it comes to succeeding in the process of selection so my whole project was about finding a solution to that. I’ve been trying to find the right substance to mix with our already existing one to solve the problem, but I haven’t been successful in it.”

“I assume until now,” Harry hum and you nod smirking.

“Yeah. The last test results came back very good, quite promising. It’s still not the end of the process, but it’s a huge step.”

“That’s great,” he smiles at you and though you know he probably understands just a fracture of the whole process, he can still figure out how important it is. “Congrats, Y/N.” “Thanks,” you breathe out, pride filling your chest as you shut the computer off. “I guess this is my cue to end the day,” you smile at him before packing up everything, getting ready to finally leave.

It’s not the first time Harry is spending the evening at your place. You often have dinner together, or watch a movie whenever you get home early enough to do that. Through the time you’ve spent together because of his job you’ve grown to be friends above everything. Good ones, in fact, which is a big deal for you since making friends has never been an easy task for you.

You bought takeout on the way home and as Harry set the table you poured yourself a glass of wine, knowing well Harry would never drink when he is on duty and he is basically working all the time he is with you, so you’re drinking alone. You both sit to the dining table, starting dinner together in a comfortable silence. It’s another thing you appreciate about Harry. He doesn’t try to talk when it’s not necessary, you hate small talk, you’d rather sit in silence than talk about something nonsense and Harry is a partner in that.

“When do you need to leave work tomorrow to get to the party on time?” he asks breaking the silence and you freeze. His eyes fall on you, examining your features for a moment before he smirks. “You forgot about it?”

“I just… thought it’s going to be next week,” you truthfully admit.

“We talked about it last week,” he smirks at you playfully. “And I told you it would be next week which is… this week.”

“I know how the days work, Harry,” you give him a look of ‘give me a break’ before you turn back to your food. “I just…”

“You just forgot it,” Harry finishes for you, and you just roll your eyes at him.

Glancing at him over the table you wonder if he’ll wear something different than is usual attire he always wears. Black suit with a white shirt underneath, the top two buttons left undone, giving you a tiny peek at the tattoos on his chest. You know those are not the only ones, you’ve seen him with the suit jacket off before, the sleeves of his shirt rolled up, his whole left arm is covered in ink and you wish you’ve had the chance to take a better look at them.

Harry is such an intriguing person in a lot of different ways. He definitely likes to keep things to himself, not one to ask for attention and it’s not just because of his work, it’s his personality. However he is good with people, interacting with them, being social. A skill you haven’t really mastered yourself yet and you probably never will. He always seems to know what to say, you’ve never seen him even the slightest bit anxious or nervous before, the confidence he holds is unmatched and it makes it hard to not think about him in ways you shouldn’t be.

After dinner he helps you clean up, just like he always does before heading out, but before he could leave he stops and turns back to face you.

“Oh, a friend of mine is visiting from the UK on Sunday. I already mentioned it to you before, but I was hoping I could get the afternoon off,” he wonders and you nod right away.

“Of course! I’ll be just fine at home,” you smile at him.

“Thank you,” he smiles back before walking out of your place at last.

Because of the party in the evening you are forced to stop working early the next day. It’s weird to leave the office in broad daylight, but you know today can’t be one of those days when you end up seeing the new day in the lab.

Harry was right yesterday, you completely forgot the whole party thing, meaning you didn’t plan anything ahead and you had nothing to wear, so through the day you called your sister, Mara to help you out. She was more than happy to lend you anything you needed. She meets you at the office, beaming to spend some time with you finally. It’s not that you don’t like her company, but you are quite different, is all. Your sister didn’t get sucked into the world of science, though she definitely has the bright mind to take up on any field she would want to explore. But she was more into the world of art, having written her first fantasy novel at the ripe age of twenty, she is now a bestseller author at only twenty-nine with a bubbly personality and basically every trait you never owned yourself.

“Harry! So nice to see you again!” Mara beams at the man as the three of you meet up at the lobby.

“Hi, Mara,” Harry smiles with a tiny nod.

“Alright, I have everything you could need so let’s head to yours!” your sister cheers before you make your way out to your cars.

Arriving to your home Harry splits from the two of you, letting you to get ready in peace and also to get ready himself. Mara didn’t joke when she said she has everything you need, the trunk of her car is basically filled with clothes and shoes, there’s no chance you won’t find something to wear tonight.

She orders you to take a quick shower as she unpacks everything she brought and when you emit from a cloud of steam with a towel wrapped around your body and one on your head, Mara gets down to work.

“So do you have a date for today?” she curiously asks while she does your makeup.

“Huh, yeah, sure,” you huff ironically. “It’s just gonna be Harry and me.”

“So Harry is your date?” her ears perk up, but you’re quick to protest.

“Of course not! He comes with me everywhere,” you mumble with your eyes closed as she is doing something on your eyelids.

“But it could be a date,” she offers and you huff in disagreement.

“You know that’s not how it works, Mara.”

“You are making it more complicated than it is! No one would blame you if you just… went for it! Harry is obviously an attractive guy.”

“Then maybe you should date him,” you bite back bitterly. Growing up you weren’t the boys’ favorite, they always paid all the attention to your sister. It’s not that you blame her or them, she always had a more capturing and lively personality that attracted people naturally. But it made you wonder if there was something wrong with you, spending all your time with your nose buried in a book or doing researches for fun while Mara was out with her friends, living her best life. Even her published books were inspired by her personal life experiences.

“Y/N,” she sighs, her hands leaving your face so you open your eyes to look at her disapproving expression. “You obviously like him so I would never do that and besides that, he for sure likes you too.”

“What’s not true,” you deny right away, but then you look at her curiously. “But why would you think that?”

Mara smirks at you tilting her head to the side, seeing right through your act that you’re not interested in Harry. Of course you are, but you choose to keep it at bay for the sake of his job.

“Y/N, I see how that man watches every move you make. It’s written all over his handsome face.”

“Of course he watches my every move, that’s his job!”

“No, it’s different. You’ll see it sooner or later,” she smiles before ordering you to close your eyes again so she can finish your makeup.

Mara does wonders to your looks, the makeup look she does on you already makes a huge difference since you don’t bother to do anything on your every days. But she didn’t stop there, she made your hair look like you just stepped off of the pages of a magazine and the dress the two of you chose was the cherry on the top. The emerald green dress was tight around your curves, showing just enough of your body to be still considered modest, but also have some spice. And though there are a lot of advantages of the dress, your first and most important thought (to you at least) was how well it goes with the color of Harry’s eyes.

“I’m a genius,” Mara sighs satisfied with her work as you slip on the pair of nude heels and put your necessities into the little clutch you’re taking with you. Just when you’re gone with everything, the doorbell rings and your heart jumps in your chest, knowing that Harry is standing on the other side of the door.

“I’ll get it for you,” Mara smiles rushing to the door as you walk into the hallway, standing a few feet behind her so as she opens the front door and Harry comes into view, over Mara’s shoulder his eyes easily find your figure standing there, feeling a little awkward and self-conscious, like you are about to go to prom with your crush. Difference is that you are not a teenager anymore and you aren’t going anywhere together together. Tonight is just work for him.

But as his bright green eyes fall on your frame and you see his lips slightly part, you can’t help but allow yourself to think for a moment that it’s more than just work. That he feels the same way about it as you do. Though you don’t voice your hopes and just smile at him faintly, hoping you don’t look completely ridiculous in your outfit.

“Harry, come on in!” Mara invites him into the apartment and he walks in, wearing his usual black suit with the difference of having a tie on around his neck, his white shirt is appearing neat and crispy and his sometimes unruly curls are now gently combed back a little so his curls are not falling into his forehead.

“Hi,” you smile at him nervously fumbling with your clutch as he takes a few steps closer to you.

“Hi. You look… beautiful,” he smiles back at you a little breathlessly as he takes a respectful look down your body before his green irises meet your gaze again.

“Thank you. You look great too,” you chuckle softly. “Should we… head out?”

“Yeah, sure!” he nods, offering you his arm and you link your arm with his instantly, hoping you won’t trip in your heels. “Lock the door when you leave, Mara, alright?” you call out to your sister who is watching you smiling.

“Sure! Have fun!”

You wave at her one last time before walking out and shutting the door closed behind you.

This party is held every year at Pharma-Z, mostly this is the time when the brain meets the money. Investors and funders like to meet the people behind the million dollars researches from time to time and this is the occasion where both sides show up. Julian always asks you to be social and try to mingle, but the whole thing feels forced and painful for you. You’d rather just be left alone with your researches and projects without having to schmooze to the people who give you the money for your hard work.

It’s held at one of said investors’ luxurious penthouse, that doesn’t even look like someone’s home with the huge outdoors infinity pool, the spacious and modern interiors and the expensive looking decoration that was put up just for the occasion.

“Y/N! I’m so happy you are here!” Julian approaches you with a drink in his hands and you’re happy to see a familiar face in the crowd. You don’t really know others from work, only your little team you directly work with and of course, your boss, Julian.

“It’s not like I had a choice,” you chuckle giving him a short, friendly hug. Julian is far from a nightmare of a boss some people have to face at their job. He is an actually nice and very smart and intellectual person. The pharmaceutical industry can be harsh and dark, the competition between the businesses is way more intent than people think. This is why you need the protection. Some companies profit off of the fact that cancer has no cure yet. They make money from all the treatments that doesn’t even guarantee full recovery. A lot of big fish don’t want the cure, because that would make them lose a good chunk of their income and some of those would even go to the depth of hurting you for being so close to ruining their business with your invention. Pharma-Z is luckily a genuine company that wants to help sick people and that’s why you’re working there.

“You know how important it is for the company,” Julian sighs, but he understands how uncomfortable these events make you feel, though he can do nothing to help you. “Harry, nice to see you again,” he smiles at the man by your side.

“Julian, nice to see you too,” he nods, shaking hands with your boss.

“Mingle a little so people can see and meet you, alright?” Julian requests and you just nod silently before he moves on to the next group of people.

You get yourself a drink to ease your nerves a little as people start approaching you. Some of them you’ve met last year, but there are a lot of new faces. Your project has brought in quite a few new sponsors and investors and now they want to meet you and talk about the research their money is going into.

You try your best to keep a smile plastered across your face as you tell the people the same thing over and over again, receiving praise and compliments on your work before moving onto the next conversation just to start over again.

You can feel your social batteries running out, not sure you can put up with another conversation with a wealthy investor who wants you to know you have a job because they gave money for your project in hopes of you bringing more money to them.

Harry has stayed by your side the whole evening, and you didn’t notice but he kept examining you every few minutes to make sure you were holding up and he noticed how tired you’ve grown from socializing for so long.

“Y/N,” he softly calls out, his palm finding the small of your back. “Why don’t we get some fresh air?” he kindly offers and you immediately understand that he is trying to get you away from the guests and the overwhelming conversations you’ve been dealing with. Nodding you let him usher you outside, finding a spot where the two of you can be a little alone.

“I fucking… hate small talks and being nice to everyone,” you let out a long and heavy sigh, as you lean against the railing, paying just one short glance at the city’s bright lights under your feet. Harry chuckles shortly.

“I figured. You’ve been chewing your lips so hard I was afraid you’d start bleeding.”

Now that he has brought your attention to it, you realize you are doing it again, so you let go of your bottom lip from between your teeth and it brings out another chuckle from Harry.

“I’m just… not good with these… social stuff.”

“I disagree with that,” he hums, furrowing his eyebrows.

“Oh please, if you haven’t realized it, my number of zero friends is a tell, I think.”

“Come on, it’s not zero. You’re friends with Mara.”

“But family doesn’t count, she is kind of forced to be my friend,” you shrug, making him laugh.

“Okay, but I’m your friend too, aren’t I?” You furrow your eyebrows at him.

“You spend time with me because it’s your job.”

His eyes soften on you as he leans against the railing next to you, looking so effortlessly handsome and charming, you almost need to take a deep breath at the sight of him. And the cheeky smile on his pink lips is definitely not helping your case.

“I know you didn’t mean that. You’re a smart woman, Y/N.” Reaching out he tugs a loose strand of hair behind your ear as he inches closer a tiny bit. “I think we stepped over the line of just work.”

“So… you consider me your friend?” you ask shyly.

“If you have to ask maybe I’ve been doing something wrong,” he chuckles softly, making you smile too. Folding your arms a shiver runs down your spine from the cold evening breeze. “Are you cold?” Harry asks, but before you could even say a word, he shrugs his jacket off and drapes it over your shoulders.

“Oh, thank you,” you breathe out shyly.

“Do you want another drink?”

“Yeah, I think I might need another one,” you chuckle and nodding he tells you to just stay there until he gets you a new one.

Turning towards the view, you enjoy the lonely moments for a little, not too keen on going back inside and keep up the façade of interest any longer. You’d rather just head home, maybe have another drink with Harry on your couch while you watch a rerun of whatever show is on TV and then fall asleep after a hot shower. You’ve been working way too much lately and it’s just now crashing down on you. Next week you definitely should cut back on your hours at the lab, the project is already going amazing, it won’t hurt if you actually had some rest before you lose your mind.

You hear footsteps approaching you and you think it’s Harry returning, but as you turn around you are faced with a stranger, a man who is staring down at you with bloodshot eyes and… a gun pointed at you.

Your breath hitches, your blood freezing in your veins at the sight and your legs almost give up underneath you.

“What… who are you?” Your voice comes out as a whisper, tears already flooding your eyes as you melt against the railing as if you had anywhere to go, but you have no chance against him.

One glance at the gun allows you to see that it has a silencer on, with the music coming from inside and no one around, if he shoots you, he’ll be able to get away before anyone realizes what happened.

The man doesn’t answer, just holds up the gun, aiming right at your chest and you close your eyes, thinking that this is it. This is how your life ends, in the middle of a posh party with no one around to help you. Your lips are trembling and hands are shaking as you hold onto the railing, waiting for the inevitable to come, keeping your eyes shut, not wanting to see your killer as the last thing you see before you go.

And then you hear the muffled gunshot, making you scream in fear, your knees turning into jelly, but the pain never comes. Instead, you hear grunting and growling as a body falls to the ground in front of you.

Your eyes snap open and you see Harry straddling the man, the gun lying near your attacker’s hand and he is trying to reach it, but before he could, you kick it away as Harry throws a punch at his face that stops him from trying too hard to free himself.

The next few moments are so busy and blurry at the same time. Your legs give up underneath you, making you fall to the ground, your whole body shaking in waves. In the meantime Harry gets the man into a position where he can be easily controlled and people start flooding out at the scene, helping Harry while security working at the party take the man, the police already on its way.

When Harry can finally step back from the attacker, his eyes fall on your figure and he rushes over to you, kneeling down next to your trembling body, cradling you into his arms upon seeing how shaken up you are.

“Hey, it’s alright. It’s over, you’re alright,” he murmurs, holding you tight as your fists grab onto his shirt, your breathing is uneven, the oxygen barely makes its way into your lungs as you’re panting and gasping from the shock. “Come on, let’s get you inside, Y/N,” he gently tells you, helping you up from the floor even though your body feels like a pile of brick.

You can feel everyone staring at you, whispering behind your back as you try to hide in Harry’s arms while he walks you back inside, away from the man that tried to take your life. He walks you into one of the bathrooms and closing the lid he sits you down to the toilet while he grabs a towel and wetting it he kneels in front of you, tapping the cloth to your cheeks gently. You haven’t even realized that you’ve been sweating from the shock and the coldness feels amazing against your burning skin.

“I’m sorry,” you mumble, but not even you are sure why.

“Nothing to be sorry for, Y/N,” he gently murmurs, giving your hand a squeeze as you shut your eyes closed. He grabs a glass from one of the cabinets and fills it with water handing it over to you.

“Thank you,” you mumble, bringing it to your trembling lips, but before you could drink it, your eyes snap up to meet his gaze. “And thank you for… what you did.” Your voice dies down at the end, the picture of the man pointing the gun at you still living so vividly in your mind.

“No need, it’s my job after all, right?” he chuckles softly, making your lips twitch the slightest bit before you start sipping on the water.

The police show up soon and they arrest the man who refuses to talk. They also request you to give your statement about what happened, but Harry manages to let you just give them the brief story and go in sometime soon to give them your full statement so you don’t have to spend any more time there. They are quite sure the man was hired by someone who doesn’t want you to finish your project, and it’s scary how far some people are willing to go just for the money, just to keep sick people in suffering for their own benefit.

Heading home you stay silent as Harry drives, staring out the window you let the nightlights of the city pass by you while you still see the same face, the face of the man that held a gun at you tonight. The gunshot is still ringing through your ears, it was so close, so real… of course it was real! All of it was real and your life was on the line. If it weren’t for Harry, you wouldn’t be here right now.

Arriving to your home Harry helps you out of the car and you cling onto his hand as you head up to the apartment. He keys the two of you into your home, flicking the lights on and looking around before you go further inside, just to be sure.

“It’s all clear, don’t worry,” he murmurs as you nod and make your way into the bedroom. Kicking your heels off your feet you sit on the edge of the bed, letting out a long breath, feeling your limbs loosening up a bit for the first time in the past hour.

Harry moves around the place doing whatever before he joins you in the room, kneeling in front of you his hands find your bare knees and your eyes meet his worry-filled green irises.

“Do you want to take a shower?” he softly asks and you nod your head. “Come on, I’ll start the water for you.”

He helps you up from the bed and walks you into the bathroom. You stand there awkwardly, not sure what to do as he starts running the water in the walk in shower before he steps back to you.

“Would you…?” you ask, turning around, needing help with the zipper of your dress. Harry clears his throat as his fingers work on it and a moment later the fabric loosens around your frame as you hold it to your chest with your arms. Turning back around you peek up at Harry and you notice the slight blush on his cheeks.

“I’ll be outside at the door, okay?” He whispers, his fingers delicately touching your cheek as you nod before you watch him walk out and close the door behind him.

The hot water feels freshening, like it could burn away the memories even though it’s still so vivid in your mind. You stand under the running water longer than you intended, but it feels nice and needed. Once you’re done, you wrap yourself into a fluffy towel and walk out of the steamy bathroom only to find Harry sitting at the edge of your bed, waiting like a loyal puppy. When he sees you, he stands from his spot and you don’t miss the way his eyes scan over your body that’s barely covered.

“Alright, I’ll go now, but if you—“ “Don’t!” you gasp, panic taking over you at the thought of being left alone. One of your hands grasps his arm to stop him from moving and he freezes in his spot, staring back at your fearful eyes. “Please, stay here,” you plead, voice barely over than just a whisper.

There’s a heartbeat of a pause in him as he is watching you intently and for a moment you think he’ll say no, but then his hand finds yours on his arm and he gives it a gentle squeeze as he nods.

“Okay.”

You let out a long, relieved breath as you ease into comfort. He’s staying, he’ll be with you all night, protecting you from everything and everyone.

“Can I take a shower too?” he asks softly and you nod, stepping to your wardrobe to get him a clean towel. “Thank you. I’ll be back shortly,” he tells you before walking into the bathroom and shutting the door closed behind him.

You hear the water running again and you find yourself standing at the same spot as you listen to the noises coming from the bathroom. Harry is in there, soaking under the water naked and you can’t take your mind off of how badly you want to be there with him.

It’s not just because of what happened tonight, though it made you realize that you don’t have much time to waste. Nothing can assure that you’ll live another day and you don’t want to deny happiness from yourself. You want to be with Harry and as far as you can make it out, he feels the same way.

Upon a sudden decision, you pad your way over to the bathroom door and open it carefully, the warmth immediately hitting your face as you step inside and close it behind you. The glass of the shower is steamed up, you can only make out the blurry frame of Harry in there and you wonder if he heard you come in, but it doesn’t seem like that. His clothes from the night are lying on the floor in a pile, his watch that he always wears is carefully placed next to the sink.

Your hands grab onto the edge of the towel around your body and you unwrap yourself, hanging it up on the wall before stepping to the shower. Hoping you won’t scare him, you open the door, the steam immediately hugging your naked body warmly and you see him standing there with his back facing you as you step into the spacious walk-in shower.

He notices your presence, you see him freeze mid-movement before he peeks over his shoulder, his eyes falling on you as he slowly turns, facing you completely. Standing in front of him completely bare, you feel more vulnerable than ever in your life. You’re scared that he is going to send you away, that he won’t let you get closer to him and if that happens, you’ll feel humiliated, but he just stands there in his naked glory and doesn’t say anything, so you take it as a chance to shoot your shot.

Reaching up your hands slide to his hard chest, up to the base of his neck as you push your front against his, skin to skin with the hot water running down your bodies. His hands find your waist and you could cry from the feeling of his touch on you. Pushing yourself up to your tiptoes your nose nudges against his as your eyes fall closed.

“Y/N,” he breathes out, stopping you right when your lips could meet. Opening your eyes you see the hesitation in his green irises that appear so much darker than they usually do.

“Do you not want it? You don’t want me?” you whisper.

“I do. It’s not that,” he sighs shaking his head slightly. “But you went through a lot today. I don’t want you to make decisions you might regret in the morning.”

You can’t help the small smile that tugs on your lips at how considerate and protective he is over you, thinking that this might be just something that crashed over you in the heat of the moment, but it’s been in the making from the first day you met him. Despite all your protesting against him, you knew you needed him and not just as your guard. He is what’s been missing from your life all along, you just never realized it.

“There’s nothing I could regret when it comes to you, Harry. I needed tonight to open my eyes. Our days are counted, I’m done running from my own happiness.”

He lets out a long, shaky breath as his hands hold tighter onto your waist while your hands run up his neck until your fingers tangle into his wet locks.

“I need you. And not just because of tonight. I’ve always needed you.”

“I’m here, Y/N. I’m all yours,” he breathes out before his lips smash against yours all wet and hard, but it’s the most heavenly feeling you’ve ever experienced.

You become a mess, tangled in each other, lips melting together as your hands explore naked limbs and torsos, bodies pressing tightly against each other shamelessly. Harry walks you backwards until your back hits the cold tile and you let out a whimper as you arch your back at the sudden feeling, just as his head dips down, lips attacking your neck, kissing and nibbling on the soft skin. Your light leg lifts as his hands wander down your thigh, your hips pressing together and you feel how hard he is, his cock pushed against your other thigh, making you moan at the feeling. Reaching down you blindly wrap a hand around the base, giving him a few slow pumps, earning a guttural growl from him before his lips return to yours, kissing you hard and filled with passion. His hands are all over you, on your thighs, ass, back and chest, as if he was mapping your whole body wanting to remember how every inch feels under his touch.

Without tearing his lips away from yours, he blindly reaches behind him, shutting the water off before urging you to jump into his arms, legs wrapping around his waist. He carries you out of the shower, placing you to the counter next to the sink as he stands between your legs, his hands once again finding your breasts as they knead them, making you whimper and shake under his touch. It’s euphoric and addictive, you already know you won’t be able to go a day without feeling him against you like this.

“Bed?” he breathes out against your mouth and you nod eagerly. Reaching to the side he grabs a towel, wrapping it around you, tapping and squeezing you to dry you off, throwing fits of giggles when you grab it and wrap it around his body as well.

The towel falls to the floor abandoned and forgotten as he lifts you off the counter and brings you to the bed, laying you down and holding himself up above you with one arm. His other hand cups your cheek and turning your head you kiss his palm gently, eyes glued to his as he settles between your legs.

“Are you sure about this?” he breathes out, his lips dancing against your cheek and the corner of your mouth.

“Yes! Harry, please!” you beg with a whimper, your whole body aching to feel him inside you.

“I’ve got you, I’ve got you, love,” he kisses you as his hand leaves your heated face, runs down your naked body until his fingers reach your throbbing clit.

He slides two digits through your already wet folds, but just to work you up even more he starts drawing circles on your bud, turning you into a whimpering mess underneath him. Your fingers dig into the lean muscles on his back, feeling them twitch from his movements and one hand sliding down to his ass, grabbing a handful of him while pushing him closer to you, his erection pressing against your core.

“Harry, I need you!” you moan, not able to contain yourself any longer. You need to feel him, you need him as close as possible.

Reaching over to your nightstand you grab a condom from the drawer, ripping the package open with your teeth before you carefully grab his erection and roll the condom down his length, ready to finally feel him inside you.

He flicks his fingers on your clit one last time before his hand wraps around the base of his cock, giving it a few pumps while his soft lips kiss down your jawline and throat, his face hiding in the crook of his neck. Your arms circle around his shoulders, your chest heaving from the sensation as he positions himself just right, the tip teasing your hole. Harry lifts his head up, his bright eyes finding your gaze just as he sinks into you, filling you up perfectly.

“H-Harry! Fuck—“ you gasp at the feeling, your walls stretching around his thick cock as he stays still for a few moments, letting you adjust to his size.

You draw your legs up, giving you more space to go deeper as he starts thrusting, sliding in and out of you oh so perfectly, inching you closer to your relief with each movement. You cup his face in your hands, staring into his eyes as if you could see his soul in them and for a split second, you feel like you actually do. His lips are parted and the cross pendant is grazing your chest while he fucks into you, never falling out of his rhythm.

You want to beg to him not to stop, to keep moving and moving, but no words can leave your mouth as your back arches, your orgasm building up in the pit of your stomach. You start grinding your hips in sync with his, allowing him to reach deeper into you, making your toes curl from pleasure.

“Harry, I’m gonna—I-I’m gonna—Ah!” You can’t make up one coherent sentence as your legs start shaking, feeling your orgasm taking over your body.

“I know, baby. Let it go. Let me make you feel good,” he pants, his lips kissing you everywhere he can reach, your lips smashing against each other in a messy kiss, your tongue meeting his in the middle just when you reach your high.

You moan and cry out his name, fingers digging into his flesh as you chase your release. Seeing you fall apart underneath him is enough to throw him over the edge, spilling himself into the condom as his mouth hangs agape, your name falling off his tongue as if it was the holiest glorification. Combing your fingers through his hair you hold him to your chest as he collapses on top of you, his head lying on your naked chest as you both try to catch your breath in the sudden silence that came over you without the sounds of your passion.

Rolling off of your body he slips out of you, an empty feeling taking over you right away, but he is quick to cradle you into his arms to keep the intimacy. You lay your head to his chest, a thin layer of sweat covering the both of you, but you couldn’t care less. You listen to his steady heartbeat as you draw one of the swallows on his chest with your finger, running it over the lines of the ink. You want to soak in the moment and stay in it for as long as possible, but you can barely keep your eyes open. As Harry’s fingers are gently running up and down your bare back you let your eyes close and the last thing you remember is hearing his soft whisper.

“Don’t worry, baby. I’ll keep you safe.”

You wake up without an alarm in the morning and it’s the first time for that in a long-long time. You stir and groan before you open your eyes, your hands reaching out next to you, looking for the man that was next to you when you fell asleep, but there’s nothing and no one beside you now.

Panic rises in your chest as your eyes pop open and you frantically look around in the room, hoping to see him somewhere near, but you’re alone.

“Harry?” you call you as you sit up, holding the sheets to your chest since you’re still naked. No answer comes and you can feel your heart rate rising instantly.

Getting out of bed you grab the nearest clothing item you find which is an old hoodie, and you put on a pair of clean panties before you carefully walk out of the bedroom, afraid of what you might find outside, but it’s completely silent and still, no one is around. Harry has left.

“Fuck,” you breathe out, feeling the lump in your throat growing as tears are forming in your eyes.

Where did he go? Why did he leave? Is he coming back? Is he gone forever?

You can’t stop yourself from going into depth you shouldn’t, just because you don’t find him first thing in the morning, but you still haven’t entirely recovered from last night’s events and before you could stop yourself, you are thinking about the worst possibilities there could be.

And then you hear the lock turning in the front door.

Blood rushes out of your head as you freeze, afraid it’s another attacker and this time you won’t be as lucky as you were last night. But as the door opens Harry walks in with a paper bag in his arm and you can’t help, but start sobbing at the sight of him.

“Harry!” you cry out, launching at him and he barely have time to put the bag down before he catches you, locking you in his strong arms.

“Hey! No need to worry, it’s just me!” he soothes softly, his hands running up and down your back and head. “I’m sorry I scared you, just wanted to get you something to eat, baby,” he murmurs, kissing the side of your head as you try your best to hold back your sobs.

“I just woke up alone and I thought…”

“I’m sorry, baby. I shouldn’t have left while you were sleeping. But I’m back and I’m alright.”

You just nod, hugging him a little longer before you loosen your hold around him to lean back and look him in the eyes.

“So… you’re staying? With me?”

“If you want me to, yes,” he nods with a soft smile as he cups your tear-soaked face in his hands. “I’ll keep you safe and sound and I’ll be whatever you need me to be.”

“Just be yourself and… be with me,” you shyly ask him and he nods, his smile growing into a wide grin before he leans down and captures your lips in a sweet, intoxicating kiss.

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed it!

[uncloseted]

What are some effective waya to become more productive?

what are some effective ways 2 be productive?

First things first, figure out what the problem actually is. Why are you struggling to be productive? Is it because you're a perfectionist and the idea of not doing the task perfectly stresses you out? Is it because you're lacking the motivation to do anything? Is it because you're struggling to concentrate, or because you're overwhelmed by the task, or because you don't know where to begin? There are tons of reasons why you might be struggling with productivity, and figuring out what the roadblocks you're encountering are can help you to find ways around them. Since I can't read your mind, I'm going to try and give advice that will work for most of the roadblocks you might encounter.

When it comes to big things, I recommend using the SMARTER & WOOP methods. SMARTER and WOOP are two tools that are really useful for behavior modification and other long-term goals you might have.

SMART(ER) is a tool to help you set the right goals for you.  Too often, we set goals like “I’m going to start exercising” or “I’m going to quit going on my phone”.  Those are great in theory, but without an action plan, it’s easy to not follow through.

SMARTER goals are ones that are:

Specific (simple, sensible, significant).

If your goal isn’t specific, you won’t be able to focus your efforts or feel motivated to achieve it.

Try to answer: what do I want to accomplish? Why is this goal important? Who is involved? Where is it located? Which resources or limits are involved?

Measurable (meaningful, motivating).

Having measurable goals is important because it allows you to track your progress and stay motivated by seeing how far you’ve come.

A measurable goal should be one that answers “how much”, “how many” and “how will I know when it’s accomplished”?

Achievable (agreed, attainable).

Your goal needs to be realistic in order for you to stay motivated and be successful.  If you’re aiming too high, you’ll become demotivated quickly because it doesn’t feel like you’re making progress.

An achievable goal requires you to ask “how can I accomplish this goal” and “how realistic is this goal based on other constraints?”

Relevant (reasonable, realistic and resourced, results-based).

Relevant goals are ones that matter to you.  Make sure that these goals are ones that are important to you, not ones that you think you should be pursuing.

A relevant goal is one that can answer “yes” to the following questions: “does this seem worthwhile?”, “is this the right time?”, “does this match my other efforts/needs?”, “is it applicable in my current socio-economic environment?”

Time bound (time-based, time limited, time/cost limited, timely, time-sensitive).

Every goal needs a target date so that you have a deadline you can focus on and work toward.

A time sensitive goal is one that answers “when?”, “what can I do six months from now?”, “what can I do six weeks from now?”, and “what can I do today?”

Evaluate

Every day, evaluate how you’re doing on your goals.  Long term goals can be easily ignored if they’re not evaluated every day, and if you don’t evaluate how you’re doing on your goals regularly, you might miss the things that are preventing you from achieving them.

Readjust

If you find that your approach isn’t working, you may need to readjust your goals.  That doesn’t mean that you’re failing at your goals or that you should quit; it just means you have to rethink the approach you’re taking.  Maybe the goal isn’t as relevant to you as you thought it would be, or it’s not as realistic as you expected, or your timeline is too short.  Identify which part of your SMARTER goal is tripping you up and readjust it.

The best goals are ones that include trying new things instead of quitting old ones.  Quitting things is hard; learning something new is easier and more exciting.  If you’re looking to quit something, replace it by establishing a new habit that takes its place.  For example, “I’m going to stop going on my phone,” is hard, but “when I feel like going on my phone, I’ll read a book for ten minutes instead” might be easier to maintain.

After you’ve figured out your SMARTER goal, it’s time to WOOP.  WOOP is something like the scientifically proven cousin of “manifesting”.  Just visualizing our goals or positive thinking on its own can be counterproductive, because it fools our lizard brains into believing that we’ve already achieved the goal.  By using the WOOP method, you can prevent that from happening and actually achieve what you want to achieve.

WOOP stands for:

Wish: Identify a wish that is challenging, yet attainable.  This should be your SMARTER goal.

Outcome: Imagine the best outcome as a result of your wish (as vividly as possible).  Really daydream about what your life would be like if you achieved your goal.

Ask yourself, what is the biggest benefit you could receive from achieving this goal?

Obstacle: Identify and imagine what obstacles will get in the way of your wish.

What might get in the way?  Thoughts, feelings, beliefs, old behavior patterns, bad habits, social pressure… identify as many as you can, then prioritize their likely they are to happen and how significant they would be if they did happen.

Plan: Create an if-then plan to overcome the obstacles you identified- “if [obstacle occurs] then I will [plan A].”  Do your best to pick the most effective path you can for each obstacle, and identify a few different plans in case your first plan doesn’t work.

For example, if you wanted to start exercising, your WOOP might look like this:

Wish: Go on a run 3x/week after school/work for a month.

Outcome: Better energy, confidence, and health.

Obstacle: Feeling tired and hungry at the end of the day…Not wanting to go.

Plan: Pack a snack for the end of the day, and put on gym clothes right when you get home.

Or if you wanted to stop watching TV and read more:

Wish: Watch only 5 episodes of TV per week, and read when I feel the urge to watch TV for a month.

Outcome: Learn a lot. Get smarter. Feel better. Enjoy the great ideas. Feel like I’m spending my time wisely.

Obstacle: Not feeling like it. Preferring to watch TV.

P: If I catch myself watching TV, then I turn it off and start reading a book instead.

The last thing you can do to increase the chances that you’ll achieve your goal is to get someone else involved.  Either find a friend who’s setting the same goal that you are, or tell someone about your goal and ask them to help you achieve it by checking up on you.  It can also be helpful to put money on the line- give money to a friend with the understanding that you’ll get it back on a set date if you’ve achieved your goal.  If you really want to ensure that you reach your goal, tell your friend that if you fail, they should donate the money to a group or cause that you really hate.

For smaller, more day to day tasks:

Make a list of everything you need to do. Sort them into four categories- tasks that are Urgent & Important, tasks that are Not Urgent & Important tasks that are Not Important but Urgent, and tasks that are neither Urgent nor Important. Focus first on the tasks that are Urgent & Important. This can help you prioritize which things to work on first.

From there, take a look at each individual task and break it down into very small steps that you can't fuck up. These can be as small as "open laptop", "open Google Docs", "write name at top of the page", etc. If it helps, you can assign each one of these steps a point count, and then give yourself a treat once you collect enough points (10 points, 20 points, 50 points, and so on).

Once you have your list and have identified all of the steps, just do the first step. It can be daunting to start a big project or task; it's way easier to just do one thing. And once you do one thing, it feels easier to do just one more thing, and just one more thing, and so on until the task is complete.

Once you build up some momentum, I would recommend using the Pomodoro technique. Work for 20-25 minutes (or as long as you can really focus) and then take a 5-10 minute break. Stand up, get a drink, get a snack, watch a short TV episode or a YouTube video, look up that thing that was on your mind, whatever will give your brain a break. Then, set another 20-25 minute timer and get back to work. After three or four cycles of working and taking a short break, take a longer break.

A few other things that I think it's important to remember when it comes to productivity.

Anything worth doing is worth doing badly. You don't need to finish things, and you don't need to do them perfectly. If it's a choice between doing something badly or not doing it at all, it's always better to do it badly.

You don't need to do things the way other people would do them- do it how it works for you. Sometimes that won't make sense to other people, but that's all right. The only person it has to work for is you. If bouncing back and forth between different tasks works better for you than focusing on one task until it's done, then bounce back and forth between tasks. That's okay.

It's okay to ask for help. If you have trouble doing things, that's okay- find someone who can assist you. Maybe you're bad at projects that don't have someone to be accountable to. Find a friend who will hold you accountable. Maybe you're bad at projects without deadlines. Set deadlines for yourself and get someone to make sure you meet them. Sometimes you don't need to work through your shortcomings- you just need to find a way around them.

[normal-thoughts-official]

Malec’s problems with communication are probably one of the better handled things the SH writers wrote. It’s nuanced and very in character, it’s speaks to Alec and Magnus’ different histories, personalities, and love languages. It’s never out of malice, it’s just something they genuinely struggle with. They’re the only couple on the show that received the time and care to develop and be shown working on it.

They’re also both badass in their own right and often the voices of reason while the rest of the characters are clowning and creating problems for our boys to solve. I enjoyed other characters and elements of world building but overall I kept coming back for Malec, their relationship and personal struggles.

Personally I really resonated with their communication issues since I had a similar problem with a close friend. I was like Alec- very straightforward and honestly not great at picking up subtleties, while she was similar to Magnus- had trauma and hated confrontation which meant she left hints and downplayed stuff. It’s totally understandable that both she and Magnus struggled to be open and honest. Except she had the nasty habit of blaming me when I didn’t get her hints and telling me it was my lack of empathy hurting her. Thankfully Magnus never did that to Alec. Your answer to that last ask (about post-coital Malec talking about Magnus’ eyes) made me feel better since I always felt guilty that I had failed her when really she had failed herself as it was on her to communicate properly- so thanks. 💜

I think if we had been given more time with our boys Magnus would have had some great growth in not keeping things to himself and I would have loved to see Magnus heal more. It’s what someone with his big heart deserves!

Ps sorry for the long ask & personal story!

no need to apologize! i love any (non hateful obviously lol) asks, but particularly long and personal asks. im not sure how coherent my answer is going to be because i'm still a bit anxious rn and there's a lot on my mind, but here we go

i agree with you. i also relate to alec a lot because my one mode when it comes to emotional communication is open, direct talking. and honestly it's something i am proud of. i am proud of the fact that it's easy for me to just sit someone down and say what i think i feel, because this solves so many problems and is the best way to do it imo. i don't hold it against people who have trauma and struggle to communicate, obviously, because i get that as well. it took me years of therapy to be able to understand that my problems are worth approaching and talking about, not just other ppl's (with other ppl i was always like alec lmao). so like, i get why people might have a hard time being direct about issues, but i'm still proud of myself for being the way i am because i do believe it's the "best" one

and i also suck at catching hints so like 🤷 i make fun of alec and joke about it because i RELATE to it, i think its funny and i see myself in him cuz if u throw a hint my way i am 99% likely to not even notice it hitting me on the face. so jdnfid when im teasing alec i'm not being like "what a dumb useless bitch", im being like lol relatable

and i agree, i think this was an issue that was actually approached and that was nice? and that i think the fandom sometimes latches too much on in the sense of being like OH WOW PROBLEMATIC or something but it's just... an issue they have, you know? and that makes sense and like, every relationship in its initial stages/months is gonna suffer from communication issues until the people involved get a hang of each other and how they work and communicate. it's normal. and it's something i liked and that drove me to malec personally? because while yeah, they had their problems with talking, they always tried (particularly alec) and they always understood each other and never held their differences against each other

i also agree that it's great that magnus never held it against alec (not that i ever thought he would, but it's usually a trope) because yeah we are taught that when in a relationship people should be able to "read" the other and tell what they feel and want, and that leads to a lot of problems imo. because neither part feels like it is their responsibility to communicate clearly and both are always trying to guess what the other wants. it's just an exhausting way to have a relationship and i see it leading to a lot of problems IRL, and a lot of ppl who genuinely believe that a partner who doesn't guess how you feel doesn't love you enough, which is bad not only for that relationship but for the person who doesn't communicate because they don't work on their issues and the trauma behind their communication issues

so i was glad that we never saw magnus act like that. i think magnus is very self aware and he KNOWS that he needs to work on that and he doesn't expect alec to just guess or get angry when he doesn't get it. and alec never held it against him that it's hard for magnus, either, which is also nice. so honestly i liked that that was a great part of their relationship? it's not perfect, but it's not supposed to be, and the fact that they respected each other and tried to listen to each other and make it work the best they could is more important to me than it would have been if they always immediately got what the other meant. i think it's an important message, you know? that relationships are something you build and that they will have problems that need to be worked on over time, cuz ur working with what uve got

so yeah it was a flaw about them that i appreciated, and i liked how the show didnt choose a part of the relationship to be The One At Fault like they so frequently do, they are just two different ppl with two different styles and backstories and baggages doing the best with what they've got. and that is so, so refreshing to see, because i'm tired of couples that are either perfect right off the bat, have problems that are never addressed as problems, or just have every issue be someone's fault when i genuinely believe that when it comes to interpersonal relationships no one is at fault or to blame 99% of the time, it is just that different people's traits might lead to clashing

so like in short i don't think magnus and alec or their relationship is perfect, but i think it's mature and i enjoyed seeing the way they tried to build it. and i relate a little bit to both of them, although in that particular issue i am almost 100% alec

does that make sense? udndi

[chaos-family-scp-au]

hi :]

im bored and dont feel like writing anything so heres more incorrect quotes :D

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lia: maybe i should be sacrificed. satanically. 

lyon: what?

----------

graves: thank you for agreeing to see me

melchor: i didnt. you just walked in and started talking

graves: look, i dont have time for a history lesson

----------

beta: what if you came home one day and everyone was, like, quietly reading

sal: i would be suspicious

----------

richard: whats wrong ryans? getting tired?

lyon, who hasnt slept in 2 days: i dont get tired, i get results

----------

lia: with all due respect, have you lost your mind?

bright: thats with all due respect??

a new staff member: i think dr. melchor is in trouble

----------

graves: alright. struggling to give a fuck, if im honest

----------

green: i hate when the 05 send back a “?” after reading my reports

green: like, dude, i dont know what was going on either

----------

ora: why are we laying on the ground? 

green: you got knocked out so i laid down next to you so people would think we were just chilling

----------

takeover: mochi tried to sell me on eBay for five dollars

bright: oh my goodness, thats horrible. what did you do?

takeover: i told them i could sell myself, im worth at least ten

----------

mochi: before you say anything, just know that it wasnt my idea

takeover: or mine

ash: or mine! i even tried to put a stop to it

graves: i literally caught you all red handed as you conversed and fled the scene

----------

richard: you may not know this, but i am a flawed person 

the 05: we knew that

----------

lyon, on the phone: i just got back, where are you guys?

lia: we’re at the hospital 

lyon: what!? why?? what happened??

lia: bright swallowed a watermelon seed

lyon: so?? its not like its going to grow a watermelon in his stomach or something

lia:

lia: we’ll be back in ten minutes

----------

green, talking about the staff: why do they drink water? 

ora: cause they cant eat water, duh

----------

kaylen: adulthood is like looking both ways efore crossing a street and getting hit by an airplane

----------

melchor: i hope youre not planning on doing anything stupid

bright: i hope youre not hoping too hard

----------

bright: hi im melchor’s emergency contact

lyon: oh, are you here to visit him?

bright: im here to be removed as his emergency contact

----------

*that one time they made the infirmary into a restaurant*

beta: ill have the chef’s salad

sal: beta, thats rude, order your own

----------

laureate: ugh, sometimes i just want to stab someone, you know?

bloodtree: i get it

laureate: i knew you would!!

----------

*during large-scale breach*

graves: can they be stopped?

lia: short answer? no

graves: whats the long answer?

lia: definitely not

----------

*texting* 

green: ora has a flamethrower

graves: what??

green: you should probably get here soon

----------

lyon: i have called you all to this meeting because some of you dont get along

lia: bright and i are the only ones you called here

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laureate: mama didnt raise no fool

*a few moments later*

laureate: maybe mama did raise a fool

----------

ora: i have a plan

green: i have the hospital on speed dial

----------

kaylen: *takes a long swig from a flask* 

bright: i thought we werent allowed to drink?

kaylen, hoarsely: this is flour

----------

melchor: what are you two doing?

laureate, laying on the floor: im slowly and painfully suffering during my stupid, miserable existence

bloodtree, munching on potato chips: im supervising!!

----------

ash: do not fear death, fear the state you will die in

takeover, in a horrified whisper: texas

----------

graves: i hope you have a good explanation for this

ora: i actually have three. Pick your favourite.

----------

green: i forgot the name for that one thing, but i cant ask ora or maxx, they will never let me live it down

parker: i can help

green: its that hard cube made out of frozen water

parker:

parker: crunch water

----------

sal: are you absolutely positive this isnt dangerous?

lia: im 95% sure, but i failed 4th grade math, so

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@unlawful-lawyers-chaos @when-are-you-coming-back-steve @manedwolves-adorable @little-chaos-bitch @countdown-til-sanders-take-over @parker-shut-up @psychedelicships-chaos @hihello-what-is-chaos-doing @orange-side-please-appear

[krabmeat]

𝚓𝚞𝚋𝚒𝚕𝚎𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚎

𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚜: Wilbur Soot

𝚖𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚜: he/him

𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚐𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐: mentions of death, implied s_!c!de, aggressive and angered yelling, glass shattering

𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚛𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚎: this is gonna be a 7 part series im doing where I write all of the songs from the album "Your City Gave Me Asthma" by Wilbur Soot as short stories! this is the first one of the 7, jubilee line- hope you enjoy!! this short story does deal with extremely heavy topics, so please reach out to a professional or a trusted person in your life if you deal with similar emotions or similar situations. your emotions are valid and deserve to be dealt with, no one expects you to handle your sh-t alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wasting your time.

“Wilbur, what are you talking about?” She’s trying to help again. It’s tiring. She’s my therapist, but also my friend and roommate so I see her often. She can see how much I’ve been struggling with my job, and she’s been trying to help. I don’t think I want it. My eye bags are more defined since I’ve tilted my head down to lace my fingers through my slightly greasy hair. I’m thinking. My eyes are closed when she speaks up again. “Wil!” I snap my eyes open and look up at her.

You're wasting mine.

I don’t know where my body is taking me. Pent up impulse has taken control of my body, and I stomp my way over to the door while briskly grabbing my beanie and trench coat from the coat rack.  “Wil, where are you going?” “Away.” She desperately grabs onto my upper arm. She’s concerned, but am I? In any other situation, I would be. But it doesn’t feel like me talking. 

I hate to see you leaving,

Her voice was shaky when she spoke. There are tears in her eyes. It’s strange, really. She always managed to let her tears roam as they pleased, it’s always been something I’ve found fascinating about her. But my curiosity doesn’t seem to be where it usually is on my mental shelf. I think I may have misplaced it.  I take one last glance around the place before calmly removing her hand from my arm.

Fate worse than dying.

I don’t know how late it is until I hear 11 distinct chimes roll out across the city like a blanket. Even then, I don’t know how long I’ve been walking but I think I’m getting close to my destination. But why am I feeling dizzy? Oh right, 

Your city gave me asthma

Probably one of the only things I brung with me, I found an inhaler in my coat pocket. It’s got enough to last me to where I’m going. With the last puff in it, I chuck the empty inhaler into a nearby alley. Climate change hits hard everywhere, but it gets bipolar in London. It doesn’t matter to me right now. I’d turn it all to ash from the fleeting joy I get from adding more smoke to the sky.

So that’s why I’m f*cking leaving.

The inhaler helped me breathe, but the dizziness is still there. The inhaler doesn’t even matter, the air is still dense and damp from the drenched night before. The world around me is melting, but when I blink it’s like everything was inflated back to normal with an air pump. Before I know it though, my lack of eyesight sends me tumbling to the ground. My arms and legs are damp, I tripped on a puddle. 

And your water gave me cancer.

I’m never usually this mad. Bottling up comes easy to me, yet I find myself angrily stomping on the puddle, causing me to fall again, leaving more scrapes scattered across my pale, cold skin. The concrete meets my knuckles, aggressively landing blows to its invisible face.

And the pavement hurt my feelings.

I get up from the ground. The blood from my knuckles is unrecognizable, washed away by the sudden downpour. The buildings have become a haze. Familiar, but I don’t know what it is. Not the familiarness associated with a home, or a warm and comforting hug. As if I’ve seen it before, constantly looming over me, watching me like a renewed episode of their favorite show. They already know what’s happening, they know what’s coming. I can’t take it. There’s a rasp in my voice and I’m surrounded by re renovated apartments and business buildings, factories puffing their black cigarette smoke out for the ignorant tourists to see. 

Shout at the walls,

My tears are confused with the rain, but both are dripping viciously from my face as gravely shouts and yells stream out of my mouth. Nearby bottles and littered beer cans are pleading for mercy, crushed and shattered by my aggressive hands thrown against the walls.

Cause the walls don’t f*cking love you.

My senses are getting overwhelmed, my arms and legs shaking from either the cold or the jolt of sensation I get when the glass shatters into a million pieces before I could stop it. 

Shout at the walls, 

“SHUT THE F*CK UP, WILL YA!?” My head tilts upwards to see a man at his windowsill with a dirty glare coming my way. A few seconds later, a little girl appears behind the man, seeming to have just woken up. A soft and whispery “Dad…?” Can be heard from the little girl. The softness I feel from the small wholesome moment soon turns into mind-numbing guilt. I run away, the numbness going to my legs as they once again travel on their own.

Cause the walls don’t f*cking love you.

My legs burn and sting with every stride and step they take along the path. I’m almost there. The strange looks and stares I’m getting are blocked out by the splashing and slapping of my damp shoes against the thin puddles on the ground.

Clap, clap

It’s almost as if this place is a second home for me. It’s my home, crowded with chatter and people making their ways through the Jubilee line. I’m so familiar with this place, you’d think I actually live here. I make my way to the glass barriers that block me from reaching the train, my damp feet still slapping against the ground.

Clap, clap

The barrier frustrates me. The visitors see it as a safety precaution, London’s trying to keep us safe! But we know, I know.  It represents ignorance, laziness, failure. London’s desperacy to please those foreign to this place while ostracizing those who have been fed to the brim with government immaturity. I’ve broken barriers like these, it was easy for me to shatter the flimsy glass. The crowds and crowds of people stop, scream, panic, run and express their disgust all at once. I stood on top of the railing, the only other thing in my way. The tracks are calling to me, but so does a voice.

There’s a reason that London puts barriers on the tube line!

This voice isn’t familiar to me, which is why it bothers me so much.  Foreigner. They don’t know. They COULD know, it’s not as if our hierarchy here has made a completely opaque wall between their intentions and actions. I’m still on top of the rail, but my back is faced towards the tracks. My eyes land on a short, blond white woman. Her voice sounded like she was talking with sticks in her mouth, nothing like the smoothness of a British accent. I fail to turn around in time before another voice is heard from another part of the station.

There’s a reason London puts barriers on the rails!

A tall man with ginger hair and lanky arms speaks up. He’s just like the woman, uneducated. Poor foreigners. The brotures and online ads and magazine cut-outs only give webs of lies and deceit when advertising to come to London. It speaks of the grand sights but not the horrid trauma that children here have to bear their sight to because of our crippling economy. The photos show places with warm rays and never the vicious rain and storms or scolding heat. The videos show clear, blue skies and never the gray turning grayer from the remains of society's mass-production. I’m done listening to these people. But one in particular stops me.

There’s a reason that London puts barriers on the tube line,

A tone I recognize, but a face that’s a haze. The man is from here, his voice says it all. His gray outfit and security guard patch on his vest. He knows what I’m thinking. He understands. Understanding would have been useful about an hour ago, yet I still find a soft smile slowly etching on my lips. I spread my arms out, like a bird with its wings spread out from its body. I wish I had wings, I would fly out of this wretched town. Fly out to freedom like Icarus. He flew too high, however. Where I’m going, the only upwards I’ll be is 6 feet under. But I’m ready for that. My face expresses a feeling of relief, tranquility, satisfaction. I haven’t smiled like this in years, it’s nice to close things off with a smile. The buzz of a train can be distantly heard, and I look out to the crowd. With the breeze of the air pushing against my falling back, I manage to breathe out a final arrangement for the crowd to hear.

There’s a reason they fail.