#im just like lonely and i know like maybe im not the best at seeking out contact its just like

[m-feys]

I wish like anyone wanted to talk to me..

[myhornysaga]

You mentioned cheating as one of the tags in your fics with Graves, would Graves cheat on his wife? Let’s say if he were to be deployed for awhile and a really sexy woman were to throw herself onto him, what do you think he’d do?

𝐌𝐲 𝐖𝐚𝐫 𝐂𝐫𝐢𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐇𝐮𝐬𝐛𝐚𝐧𝐝

Tags: SMUT, MDNI, cheating, established relationship, angst, graves x lawyer wife reader

Part 3

As much as i WANT to believe he's faithful to his wife y/n, he is definitely NOT faithful.

What people don't understand is normally and in real life, the High Stress Environment/Special operators have a really high sex drive. No im not making shit up. I have done research.

Literally a monkey brain of fight, get job done, fuck, sleep and repeat. Also they have tendancy to be addicted to alcohol.

So my hc...

He would never in his wildest dreams would ever imagine himself being intimately physical with anyone but you.

Graves has only one heart and he knows you are the owner.

The only person who sees him in his most vulnerable state when he's not out there leading dangerous mission dodging bullets, it is you.

You are the warmth, the sunshine that melts down his cold heart.

You do so much for him. You quit your outstanding career as a Lawyer just so you could have his children and raise them. You did that, for him.

The fact that you personally want to lead his PMC's Legal team and be the Director of the Comapny despite him telling you repeatedly that putting your name out there with the Shadow Company would put a risk to your life and reputation.... just so you can make sure that the company has a figurehead, other than your husband, to be spat at by the public.

You just wanted to divert attention from your husband and allow him to work freely and do the manual work while you can handle all the managerial work. You knew he wouldn't be able to do both himself.

Graves also knows he would never be able to have all the brilliant minds at one place in his Legal team to represent The Shadow Company if it wasn't for you and your connections with the top and the best in the industry.

Graves recognizes that, your selflessness for him. And that is why he loves you. Heck! The word love is an understatement to describe his... his feelings... feelings that are very primal.

He just wants to be with you, hold you, protect you, take care you.

And thus, even if he... meh... maybe slips a little, maybe seek company for a night or so, that would never count to anything because he is thinking about.

The only reason he would even look for company is because you are not with him on those lonely nights to make love with him and let him put out all his frustration and stress in you.

Due to his contracts, he has to travel a lot all around the globe and has to command his team for months on end.

All that ground zero action takes a toll on him. On his libido.

He just wants to let IT out. So he sometimes himself engages on the battlefield to get that thrill, the boost of testosterone and adrenaline, or at times usually in non conflict areas hires an escort to his hotel room.

Usually a young woman in her early 20s, who surprisngly has few prominent features that resembles yours like the same hair color as you or your eye color, your body shape and so on. Hmmm I wonder why...

Graves becomes almost a totally different man with her.

He welcomes her to his suite like a gentleman of course. Tries to make her comfortable with drinks and food. Oh that smooth southern style and hospitality never fails to win hearts.

After the formalities, it doesn't takes him long to reveal his true self, a self he hasn't even shown you. His darker side...

He tears apart the slutty red dress off of the girl's body and throws her on his large king sized bed.

Grabs fistful of the poor girl's hair and forces her to suck on his cock till he comes inside her mouth.

He fucks the girl with an animalistic rage. Thrusting his cock inside her almost balls deep mumbling all sorts of profanities, his eyes closed shut in between to see a mental picture of you, how you are spread across the marital bed back home.

He has been rough with you yes, but the sheer intensity of how rough he is with the escorts is brutal. They won't be walking for days.

He pulls her hair, slaps her, chokes her.... things he has never done with you.

He prefers doing them from behind that way he cannot see their faces. All he thinks of is you, his lovely wife.

Graves maybe sleeping with women other than you but he always makes sure to have his boundaries set.

He never kisses his whores, he just.... cannot (?) He tried once, but he just felt so sour after that. Its as if he is... cheating on you...? Its uncomfortable for him to kiss anyone other than you.

After he's done for the night and his date for the night is asleep, he gets up and goes into the bathroom.

He pulls out his gold wedding band from the tiny box he keeps it in. Staring at it for a moment then he gets the realization of his actions.

He slept with someone who isn't you. It breaks his hearts.

He always avoids wearing his wedding band when he's working and puts it back on when he is back home with you in his big arms.

He always leaves a tip for the women before leaving.

After completing his rigorous contracts, he is home all finally and all Graves does is....

Kiss you, make love to you, cum inside you, mark you, subconsciously convincing himself that you are his and his only.

He keeps mumbling how much he loves you and how much you mean to him.

You never understand where he's coming from but you assume he must've seen a lot deaths on battlefield thus this endless confession of his love to you.

--------------------------------------------------

Series masterlist , M.list

[mshix]

agahagahh what am i doing🙏

i kinda got bored and i wanna do itto headcanons☺️ (not exactly a headcanon idk)

gn!reader

SO. we're talking about the sweetest, handsomest, funniest and sometimes most annoyingest boy in INAZUMA!!

ARATAKI ITTO !!! (but he likes u and u dont know it... maybe)

we r gonna b talking abt how he acts around inazuma when ur right by his side cause ur his right-hand man yk and he needs you by his side cause he genuinely can't do everything by himself even if he says so

every morning itto likes to bring u crimson staff, his beetle battle warrior (it's a poor excuse just to talk to you)

he talks as if he won beetle fights (when in reality, u won the fights for him. he just wont admit it because he'd hurt his pride if he did)

when going to restaurants, he's gonna make u do a taste test just to make sure that there aren't any beans. what a nightmare.

he actually just wants u to taste it first cause he likes ur reaction to the flavors (he's not stupid enough to order food with beans)

he's such a sweet boy, he'll protect you even if ur just walking on a perfectly safe road

like, he'd suddenly jump in front of u at the sound of leaves rustling or a twig snapping

he would adventure with u, looking for onikabutos and then would say “(name), look, look!! i found an onikabuto instead of some stupid lavender melon!!” and then would proceed to say he's the best onikabuto hunter in all of inazuma

you actually just put the onikabuto there cause u felt kinda bad that he keeps finding lavender melons

when the two of u got some alone time together, he would take advantage of that and would take you to his special and favorite spot in inazuma city, hoping that you'd like his favorite place too

eventually, it became a little ritual of the both of u to visit his favorite spot whenever the gang was away

in return, you brought him to your favorite spot as well, giving a breathtaking view of... of i-dont-know-where, but definitely a stunning sight

itto swore he felt his heart explode into millions and billions and trillions of butterflies when you brought him to your favorite spot, and that made him feel special

we are getting sidetracked

when he and his gang are together, itto is very, very chaotic, always suggesting something dangerous that could possibly get the tenryou commission involved

well.. that's only until you're around. he gets very shy (sometimes)

when you're with him and his gang, he's suddenly calmer, only suggesting activities such as playing hide and seek, looking for onikabuto together and beetle fighting

and he'd often make up fake stories to impress you, and it works like a charm

when you're away for longer than an hour, he'll start whining to shinobu, complaining about how it's so lonely and gloomy and depressing without you

and if you catch him in the middle of his crocodile sobbing and he'd see you, he'll get embarrassed but will cheer up nonetheless, talking about how it's been ages since he'd last seen you

sometimes, when you're away, his gang (mostly akira) would immediately start talking about how itto should already confess to you, causing the others to agree

of course, itto would get far too flustered and would immediately turn down their suggestions in fear of rejection “oh, what? h- pssh, no! nonononono NO! they aren't gonna like me back, no! (name) already thinks im annoying enough!!”

the gang would just roll their eyes. they know and you know that you like itto, too

at some point, they'd managed to convince itto into confessing his feelings for you, saying that someone else would steal your heart and that he'd lose his chance

god knows how itto managed to believe them in spite of their very obvious dramatics

“c'mon, boss! y'gotta tell 'em at some point,” exclaimed an agitated mamoru, following an obviously anxious oni around as he paced back and forth in an obviously nervous manner. in the background, akira could be seen catching a fainting genta in his arms. shinobu merely watched in slight amusement.

akira said something incoherent, followed by genta who nodded along in agreement, so mamoru decided to mimic genta's movements. “uh-huh, what akira said!”

with pursed lips, itto stopped dead in his tracks and placed his fists on his hips, feigning a look of false determination. “yeah... yeah! i'll confess to (name)! in fact, i'll confess to them right now!” at that, his gang cheered (with only shinobu sighing in exasperation).

it actually took a while for itto to muster up enough courage to meet you.

the oni genuinely didn't know where you were so he merely roamed the streets of inazuma, whistling a tune in hopes of easing his nerves.

but then he saw you, making him panic and have a mini heart attack. itto had half a mind to jump into a bush and hide instead of confronting his feelings.

when you looked at him, he wanted to turn back time because he's already regretting agreeing to his gang.

“hey, itto.” you greeted him casually with a small wave of your hand, a bit concerned with how his face is so red but decided to just ignore that altogether.

itto, in the meantime, was panicking and geeking out at the same time. he wanted to giggle, to scream, to pull his hair, to kick his feet like an absolutely infatuated middle school girl, but he also wanted the ground to swallow him whole.

“h.. hi...” he mumbled shyly, which is quite unusual. your brows furrowed and you began to grow a bit more concerned. “are you okay? y'don't look too good.” you murmured, sounding incredibly concerned.

inhaling deeply, he gathered what little confidence he had left, and blurted out his feelings in one breath. “ilikeyousomuchithinkaboutyouallthetimeandyou'resofunnyandprettyandamazingandfunandhonestlyyou'rethebestpersonininazumacauseidon'tknowwhereiwouldbeifihadn'tmetyou—”

you hastily cut him off, which was a good thing because he might waste all of his breath just to tell you something. “wait, wait, slow down! don't just.. i can't understand you like that. can ya' say that again?”

the oni immediately went silent, clasping his hands in front of him in a polite manner as he stared at you awkwardly.

“um,” he started in a meek voice, averting his eyes from your pretty ones. when he looked back at you, his face turned as red as his makeup (if that was even possible) and he looked away again.

eventually, he sighed and decided to just say it. this time, he was bold enough to meet your gaze. “i like you, (name). i've always liked you.” itto stated quietly, then pursed his lips, anxiously waiting for your response.

you merely stared at him in shock, then started laughing in disbelief. the sweet, sweet oni was caught off guard and looked at you, then pouted. “don't laugh. i'm actually being serious here.” he said sternly. but your laughter and smile was so infectious that he couldn't help himself and smile as well, a quiet chuckle escaping him.

you soon calmed from your laughter, then gave him a huge smile, your face also turning a bit red. “i like you too, itto.”

at your words, he wanted to just “AAAAAHHHOH MY GOD. THEY LIKE ME. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OHMYGOD.”

BONUS:

giggling and laughing and smiling, itto brought you to a secluded area, then plucked out a pretty looking flower from a bush and put it on your head cause he didn't know how to put it behind your ear.

“you're as pretty as the flower,” commented your sweet boy, his bright smile accentuating his blushing cheeks.

your face reddened a bit and you smiled softly. “and you're as handsome as the sun.”

normally, that would've stroked his ego.

but instead, he's geeking out, squealing and running away and running back to you, only to run away and jump up and down like a kid.

he's a silly guy, but he's your silly guy.

ok guys bye thats the end of the video make sure to like and subscribe

[dangopango00]

After Last Night

Waking up with him after a hookup

Pt. 1 | Pt. 2 |

FAT/LBC men x gn reader (William Included for all my Aris out there)

CW: very suggestive, maybe dubcon?? (Mentioned that Lars and reader were both drunk in his)

A/N: waking up with cael is waking up behind bars thats croomf, groomf even 😭😭😭 im jp u dk him since ur childhood here ok this is a safe space

Edit: Alkaid rewrite 🥶🥶

more utc

LARS / LUO XIA (罗夏)

- SCENARIO: You’re in a similar or complementary industry to him and he’s had his eye on you a bit, admiring how you present yourself but you never really became too closely acquainted. One crazy night of drinking during a negotiations meeting later and two lonely busy old people get busy (30 isnt old sorry. Uncalled for)

- You wake up first; he is KNOCKED OUT

- He wakes up with the wildest bedhead normally and even moreso today. He’s drooling and sprawled out across the couch with a loose hold on your body (Just his arm slung around you as he sleeps)

- His grip on you tightens if you try to leave the couch but if you’re insistent he’ll just let you go; whine grumbles about it in his sleep

- He has work and he’s very busy so he’ll have to leave soon but he wants to make it up to you because he wasn’t being professional; he makes the effort to at least chat or have breakfast with you before leaving which you don’t mind since you’re busy as well

- He usually doesn’t do hookups since he’s busy, doesn’t want to lead anyone on and knows he’ll get attached too easily so he rlly dk what happened, he was lonely but ayayay this is a mess. He does his absolute best to make things less awkward for you

- This scenario would actually be so wild bc if you wanted to do it again while sober I don’t think he’d say no LOL as soon as you had breakfast/chatted he started to like you even more I think and remembers last night being really great so

- I don’t think he’d initiate it if you did do it again though because he feels really bad about being unprofessional but ever since that night if he ever sees you his eyes are glued to you, your body and all its curves and/or edges; he’s so distracted help him 😭😭

- It’s even worse if he’s pent up, he actually will just. Avoid you if you don’t assure him it’s alright he doesn’t want to be weird and he knows he wont be able to focus so he gets a little nervous around you from then on

ALKAID / LU CHEN (路辰）

- SCENARIO: You’re his classmate and more importantly, his film dealer. You’ve been selling him film and camera repairs for a pretty good price compared to how high the quality is from a small shop that doesn’t get too much traction because it’s more of an antique shop but you do offer more. He was usually standardly polite and short maybe with an extra question out of curiosity here and there before becoming a regular over time. You eventually started tacking on a few more comments and questions than necessary but not so many that it’s noticeable, chatting him up a bit im class as well until you started actively seeking him out, being curious about him and you two became friends. Since this is an edit I’m gonna say like Ayn, you’re probably already in a situationship by the time you hook up but unlike Ayn you haven’t kissed yet (he’d at least ask you out or vice versa before kissing i think) You were over at his apartment to study and help bathe Sparkle; just generally hang out and after a PAINFUL amount of tension building with playful comments and little touches so much so that you ended up kissing him and one thing lead to another !!

- You wake up first but likely go back to sleep and he wakes up during that time tbh. I feel like his home is cozy as hell not to mention Sparkle climbing up and cuddling with you

- He let you wear his clothes to bed since yours got messy and he noticed that you were shivering, freezing from wearing. Well. Nothing. So he let you borrow something and his entire face is red including his ears an neck, it’s quite a view— both you and him

- He ghosts his thumb over your features, his gentle touch almost unnoticeable as he notes each unique thing about you as if trying to identify different stars in the sky

- You had already cuddled up to him in your sleep and he lays in bed with you in his loose embrace for an absurd amount of time until he decides his heart has had enough and gets up to make you both breakfast, you stirring a bit in your sleep in the process

- He kept trying to find an opportunity to get up before but you clung to him so he couldn’t find it in himself to leave you gn but when he did eventually get up he just kissed the crown of your head and gently pulled your arms off of him, then laying you down

- His bed head is just his normal hair honestly and he doesn’t move too much, just snores a little bit and slightly drools

- He’s embarrassed the rest of the day, his usual charismatic persona failing on him when he needs it most and he’s a bit nervous not knowing if you’d felt the same as him or if it was just lust. Though all that is quickly nipped in the bud when you give him a kiss on the cheek and confess properly, holding his hands in yours

- Deciding he’s wasted enough time being a dork He offers to take you on your first date in a nearby cafe since it was pretty impromptu but he still says it with a helpless smile and slight blush. On this date he def took pictures and has them pinned on his wall; they’ll quickly become some of his most prized photos

CLARENCE / SI LAN (司岚）

- SCENARIO: You two went to the same high school all four years and maybe even the same middle school at some point but you never really interacted because he was busy with schoolwork and so were you so you really never felt the need to bother him. Little did you know Clarence had the biggest crush on you since you met and after being acquainted through the student council you became friends. Upon growing closer and some worrying about how little he relaxes later and you mayyy have accidentally made out with him a little in the council room after hours 🥺 then took it back to your apartment 🥺🥺 and ended up sleeping together 🥺🥺🥺

- He wakes up first and just stares at the ceiling. how did this happen oh my god. Not in a bad way but oh my GOD. -Clarence

- He’s so embarrassed by last night especially with his own behavior. Just remembering the sounds he made and the words he said has him reeling; he must’ve told you he loved you 100,000 times

- he just stays completely still hoping you’re still asleep and once you wake up he shuts his eyes so fast kind of trying to pretend to be asleep but with how tightly his eyes and lips are shut you know he’s awake

- You give him a little kiss on his eyelids and lips and he knows he’s caught; he blushes but then kind of just lets a small exasperated smile wash over his face; he really doesn’t know what to do

- His bedhead is basically the same as his normal but more messy around the bangs also he snores a tiny bit but thats pretty much it

- He’s pretty happy and normal when he isn’t thinking about the specifics of last night’s events

- He even goes ahead and makes breakfast for you and him as well as his cats (they’re probably the ones who woke yall up lol)

- He doesn’t do hook ups and he’s liked you so long so he reaalllly realllllllllyyyyy hopes you’ll consider getting to know him more and let him take you out on a couple dates because even if his hands are clammy the whole time he’d be so happy

WILLIAM / CHEN ZIHAN (陈子涵）

- SCENARIO: You two have always been best friends with no question of whether or not your feelings were platonic. Well he had no question. You on the other hand had been crushing on him for a while now but didn’t want to ruin the friendship. That was until college. He started noticing you more and your qualities: how you’ve matured and how you’re there when no one else is, so his feelings have gotten a little bit more than just platonic. He justified it as appreciation and normal friend things all the way up until you two suddenly decided to “test out” what kissing and making out would be like. Platonically of course. Since neither of you had ever been in a serious relationship. The sex part was just testing too, trust 🙏

- You wake up first but that doesn’t stop him from having an existential crisis when he wakes up

- You’re excited although a bit nervous from anticipation honestly since you already knew your feelings were not platonic but you didn’t know what he’d think so instead of worrying you just poke his face and admire him sleeping

- His bedhead is crazy, some of his hair sticks up and he has a pool of drool under him. He snores too— finally getting to release his feelings has him K.Od it was tew good

- You go to make breakfast or shower or something and he’d probably wake up during that time bc he doesn’t feel your warmth anymore

- Like Clarence, Liam wakes up perplexed and embarrassed and he’s worried he may have crossed a line doing what he did last night since you were supposed to be just friends! He’s freaking out so bad! come back he needs reassurance 😭

- When you get back he’s so apologetic and is just so nervous around you until you broach the subject, reassuring him that you don’t mind what happened

- After you sort out your thoughts on what happened and have a loooong talk about it you’re pretty much back to being normal and you even hang out for a bit longer, watching some movies and baking together although he does still blush and fumble his words around you a little

- He’s scared to tell you he would rather be yours than be your fwb (friend with benefits) bc this is his first hookup but considering he’s been your best friend and crush for so long you feel the same way so you end up dating pretty soon after

[lesbiandarvey]

she's so patronising to him though like a relationship like that would be so annoying. he doesn't need to be told what he feels and what to do about it every day. they're fine as besties but he doesn't want more

two questions: genuinely, im not trying to be snippy at all, is this in reference to something ive said? i checked my recent postings i couldn’t find anything?? and second, um you didn’t specify who you’re talking about .. im guessing donna and harvey on usa legal drama suits? im just gonna answer to the best of my ability, as if this is about donnaharvey which im like 90% sure it is?? okay

i mean, respectfully, i would certainly push back on the idea she “tells him what to do” cus she’s certainly his emotional intelligence like she tells him what hes thinking—or at least her interpretation of what he’s thinking. theres certainly evidence of that, the scene that comes to mind is its in late s3, and mike wants to leave to take the finance job, and harvey snaps at scottie, and donna (very gently) reprimands him for it, and she tells him he’s hurt not angry “you’re hurt and the anger covers the hurt, but i know you didn’t know that.” she definitely provides him with insight into his emotions, but in a way i would argue any friend would.

there’s also a scene from season 2(?) i think, where donna is trying to get harvey to pursue scottie and she tells him to his face “i know your mother hurt you but you need to get over it” or, in other words “sorry about your mommy issues but you need to grow the fuck up.” and again i think thats a perfectly reasonable thing to say as a friend to your friend—she sees him hurting and lonely and she can do something about it, all she needs to do is encourage him to seek out a relationship with a woman who loves him, i think that’s perfectly acceptable.

i really dont see how its patronizing in any way? i mean there are certainly a couple jokes like “men are so stupid lol” but nothing that has really stood out to me as anything different than 2010s network drama gender politics, and so few and far between i cant think of any specific instances off the top of my head.

second of all, to the best of my knowledge (having seen up to 6x05 atp), that all stops when he starts going to therapy. i cant think of a single instance after season 5 when she tells him what hes feeling (i mean maybe she does in seasons 7, 8 + 9 but i haven’t seen it so i cant say lol)

but from what ive seen, her telling him his emotions stops when he starts receiving therapy with a trained professional. and thats just healthy! yknow he no longer needs to be told what hes thinking because he’s learning more about himself and his reaction to trauma and how to be a more functionally stable adult. and after that is the only way he can keep and maintain a meaningful, productive relationship.

also, not to be crass but i 100% think harvey goes face down ass up when someone tells him what to do (especially if its mike or donna or jessica)

finally i do fully respectfully disagree that “theyre good as besties but he doesn’t want more” first of all, i think you might be confusing his repression and inability to parse his love for donna as a woman and his love for donna as a friend, as a lack of attraction. i think a) hes very repressed and messed up from his childhood so like, he can fuck people but loving people is a whole other story and b) he absolutely loves her as a friend, and i think he’s just boxed up his attraction and affection for her since they moved to pearson hardman 10(?) years ago.

second of all, gabriel macht and sarah rafferty you can tell has SOOOOO much fun together and they have so much chemistry, so i distrust any interpretation of donna and harvey that doesn’t think they wanna fuck each others brains out

what was i talking about? i dont think i have a closing statement, i just think donna and harvey’s relationship re:her telling him what to do is completely legitimate and follows a natural progression of two people trying to be healthy adults

[strangeaxel]

Do u have any headcanons of PurplePhones to share? 👀

Let's see... I been knowing this ship since i was like 9 and shipping it since 10 but im JUSTTT NOWWW actually shipping it and creating art and HC's so there's not much but I'll do my best to remember JSJS

(some of them are toxic because you know, Phone Guy is a normal guy and Vincent is a horrible monster -maybe a aspd king ...- )

HEADCANONS OK, this is how i see them, i like all interpretions of them tbh :3

1) Phone Guy started talking to Vincent because he saw how lonely he was at work. As Rebornica said, he had a platonic crush but since Rebornica loves queerbaiting in this case it went from platonic to loving, so Phone Guy has Vincent on a certain pedestal even of he annoys him sometimes.

2) they've been dating for about 2 years maybe? But it's a secret since Phone Guy is still in the closet, he's very supportive if you tell him you're Lgbt+ but if you ask him if he's in the community he'll probably that he's straight or that he didn't thought about it in detail yet.

3) They're switch. Phone guy likes being the bottom most of the time and Vincent the top but they don't mind switching at all.

4) Stuff that they have in common (im still thinking about this, i gotta build my hc yet! JSJS) : They like movies a lot, so going to the movie theater or go to Vincent's apartment to watch VHS or DVD's :p. Also board games :3 and reading, Vincent likes to read a lot while Phone guy is just reading stuff Vincent recommends him.

5) Vincent likes to visit Phone guy a lot and he's basically the only person he talks to, he's pretty obsessive since he doesn't like other people and Phone guy is the only person that doesn't go away even if he's harassing him or saying stuff that he doesn't like. Makes him feel loved and a bit superior.

(i imagine Vincent basically being like Kikuo "Mono wo Parapara kowasu")

6) They're pretty abusive, obviously, they're basically Ultraviolence by Lana del Rey. It's mostly the fact that Phone Guy even tho he knows Vincent is weird (even before he discovers he's the killer) he can't get away from the relation since he's too attached already. And Vincent... Well... Vincent is himself- u know him. (I also can't stop thinking about the fact that Phone guy in fnaf 2 described the criminal face recognition to seek PREDATORS, sooo yeah- IMAGINE THAT.)

Like, i read Rebornica saying Phone guy was killed by Vincent at the end and i see it pretty accurate. "The red means i love you"

I like to think there's calm in the storm that's their relationship, u know, the cute moments that made them fall in love in the first place, im not a fan of drawing abusive situations if it's not for comedy or a serious moment or a specific situation like a kink with a happy ending obviously. :c

[antiendovents]

Brain is really noisy atm and it’s kinda driving me a mad akjdkskd

We have both self-absorbed attention seeking alters and anxious/lonely people-pleasing alters so we’ve been in this constant thought cycle of

A: “we should put anti endo or endo critical on our blog so people finally know how we feel”

B: “What about all the well meaning people who’d hate us if we made that information known? What if acquaintances of ours find out and call us out?”

C: “declaring that we’re not pro endo in any sense is just going to put an unnecessary target on our back, and A you only want to do that so people harass us in our inbox”

A: “True but also I’m sick of having to deal with us being always lumped in with these people who clearly aren’t experiencing the same thing as us by their own definition. At the very least it’d be a sign for them to stay out of our blog”

Etc etc, wash rinse repeat

Like I wish none of this even had to happen tbh akjdks

I just wish endogenics could’ve just cultivated their own whole group completely separate from OSDDID with all their own unique terms and concepts and done whatever instead of conflating themselves with systems even though the whole POINT is that they fundamentally aren’t experiencing what we’re experiencing

Idk,,,, hopefully something from this rambling made sense

im sorry things are like this anon. Endos are so frustrating and it is annoying that we even have to be anti endo. That we have to have an opinion, that we have to openly say we're not okay with people making fun of our disorder and spreading misinformation even though it should be common sense that it's not okay. You are valid, your feelings are valid and I can understand it. Honestly, if you want to and are ready to, then say you're anti endo. If you aren't ready keep it private, maybe say you aren't comfortable sharing your stance on it yet. If people hate you for being anti endo, they aren't well meaning, and yes being openly anti endo can lead to some harassment but over our experiences on other blogs we've rarely received much of it. Even then you can always block people or turn off anon if it gets to much ^_^ please stay safe and do whatever you think would be best for you and your system

[loversgothic]

Maybe you've done it already and I missed it, but what would Gabriel's two-week-notice look like in the Ultradanse AU?

This has nothing to do with any other comments you have made about feral Gabriel or any other desire to see how he changes from The Gilded Nightingale to The Nightingale.

:3c. OOOHH. WELL

ive been really trying to think about that hard, since comparing the characters to those in fairytales and ballets tended to skew the story a bit.

and uh... my descriptions wont be the best.. im not the best at explaining things in ballet terms moreso just based on my perception of the art form and what i see in it through my eyes.

also im gonna go off of the concept that ultradanse is almost like a stage performance, a show

the most i can do to describe how it looks is to compare it to my vision for the first encounter with Odile/V1... because of the way i designed his lil costume he has a sort of princely look, and even though hes yknow. out to kill V1 because V1 traversed past his warnings, his dancing with V1 then is much more... poised. it might feel a bit distant, maybe it might even seem like hes unsatisfied doing it, as at the time there is no personal connection with V1, no love nor hatred. its not romantic, hardly so. i dont know if this is a good example, but i was thinking abt Prince Siegfried's dancing in Waltz: Tempo di valse...

once V1 is pretty much responsible for his 2-week notice, i like to think Nightingale/Gabriel starts to match V1's high energy, his grace is kinda going out the window... itd be much more intense. if its a pas de deux hes probably getting his fucking hands all over them like hes about to tear them apart. hes abandoning that princely facade. i feel like though in the second half a pas de deux between them would make them slow their pace. now that both of them are dancing together and able to match intensity, it starts to slow down into something more... romantic? yeah :3 i like to think this, this is where any romantic tension starts

now about how he changes from the gilded nightingale to the nightingale. you see... after their second encounter, Gabriel is convinced hes going to die, after all thats what he was told. once he returns from heaven, he seeks out V1 to ask of one final request. he doesn't want to die lonely, and asks V1 to dance with him until the final hour runs out. V1 has no reason to accept his request, other than something pulling at it do so and the possibility it could take a little bit more blood before he's gone. dancing together, progressively Gabriel becomes weaker and weaker.

i REALLY wanted to keep this secret for a scene i wanted to draw but honeeesttlyyyy i dont think its too bad if i share it. after all, im not sharing V1's feelings here. im sharing Gabriel's :3

i had this whole.. plan

my thing abt pas de deuxs is that. i like to find symbolism in the fact that traditionally, the male dancer is supposed to support the ballerina to be able to perform moves she typically wouldnt be able to on her own without someone holding her.

towards the end of their dance, V1 switches positions to hold and uplift Gabriel instead, who has this entire time been in the place of the male dancer. in his approaching final moments V1 lays him down on the ground. he's hardly moving, and V1 holds onto him, finding itself not wanting him to just... disappear.

now im still figuring out HOW i want this to work. but i thought abt V1 in desperation, grasping onto the sides of his helmet and ripping his helmet in half being the symbolic thing that sets him free. the thing about the gilded nightingale, is that the armor is the bird's cage. Gabriel's design in this AU only really has the helmet and no other armor, so it just... makes sense to me. this is what sets him free. how the transformation works though? i am.. still thinking about it. you might need to give me a bit to think about that

[mariamlovesyou]

salam. i hope you are holding up ok w everything that is going on. i wanted to ask how you deal w being muslim and gay? i don't know anybody like me so it feels like i am a lonely unicorn. feel alienated by both my own community and the LGBT (i live in the west). i feel angry, lost etc. at both communities and i am often reluctant to practice my religion when i hear homophobic remarks etc. somehow i am too resigned to pray and then that feeling goes away and i go back to worshipping, esp when in crisis. i want to wear hijab as well but i realize that's only a response to my anger at westerners and one of the reasons i do not wear hijab is obv to avoid discrimination (i'm passing) in the professional field & also bc i think no gay woman will like me if i wear it. sorry if this question is too much, you don't have to answer, but if you have any experience or advice to share i would be grateful. thank you ❤️

hi angel .. im sorry for the late reply i had to run to an inspection when i got this i really hope u see it even though i dont know that i can offer much i just want to say im here for u.

i hope u are okay, the world is shaky and scary. im really happy u reached out to me and i think if u take anything from this it’s that reaching out is the first step. i wouldn’t say im at all entrenched in any community or fully at peace w who i am, that’s lifelong work, but it does get easier and sometimes u find little blessings in the people who show up. i feel the exact same way you do rn - alienated, angry, lost, at a crossroads. i often feel there’s no space for me anywhere and many lgbt muslims/religious gays in general feel the same especially when we’re young. i’ve also experienced periods where my faith slipped and i felt too defeated and betrayed to practice my religion fully or even in the smallest most private ways (until a few days ago i had not prayed for months since some very distressing things happened to me) but i always find myself coming back to it bc for me personally islam brings me immense comfort and grounds me, even or maybe especially after long periods of not being a “good muslim”. religion is a deeply personal thing no matter what everyone has told and will keep trying to tell u. the question is does it soothe you? does it bring you peace and comfort? away from everyone else’s eyes, do you feel connected to something higher when you take the time to do these designated rituals? i really think that’s the only thing that matters. and you might not have an answer for that rn or for a long time and that’s ok too, no one has everything figured out. stay away as much as you can from ppl u aren’t forced to be around who try to tell you how to be lgbt how to be muslim how you can’t be both etc. they’re just parroting what they think to be true and they don’t realise how draining it can be for others. protect yourself and listen to yourself. be careful what u share with whom. those r the biggest lessons i’ve learned and the only thing that’s helped make the burden feel lighter is finding other people like you and trust me when i tell u they exist!!! u just have to be a little braver and more intentional in seeking them out, if u can do so safely, bc like you they probably feel that they are alone and there’s no one else who will understand. (and when u find them, hear them out, share a little bit, but remember they are there for a sense of shared community, a delicate connection, not as a strict guide on how YOU need to be; only you decide that and that becomes easier w time)

now depending on where u are it may not be feasible to do so - i spent most of my life as an immigrant in qatar, a very small country w a death penalty or best case scenario deportation “solution” for people like us, where the idea of finding community was not only unthinkable but also seemed straight up ridiculous to me. i never tried looking, i wouldnt encourage doing so if ur in a western country that is similarly rigid unless u know what ur doing and have a support network. in this case all i can recommend is to reach out to organisations that sympathise if there are any, and hang on until ur in a safe space. BUT if there is no such threat to ur daily life, i really really urge u to seek out others like u.. and it’s likely you’ll have to look outside ur immediate circle. at first you won’t know where to look, i didn’t, i tried looking through uni, through apps, through meetups, groups specifically run by lgbt people of colour/marginalised lgbt ppl, and it will take time and a lot of trial and error and at times even ‘desperate’ or embarrassing attempts, at least it did for me. i got lucky by finding friends through friends and then friends of friends of friends etc who were like me and while i definitely wouldn’t say i connected w all of them or even liked all of them or that i have a stable network of other lgbt muslims (most of the ones i met live really far away and meetups are extremely rare but whenever i do talk to them it’s really healing) it really does help to know that somewhere not too far, u have someone who understands. so reach out. it’s hard and gruelling and isolating work but that’s the first and main thing to do to combat these unpleasant feelings of loneliness and anger. i wrestle w very complicated and conflicting things on a daily basis that most of my immediate circle couldn’t even begin to understand, so don’t do the mistake of sitting on it forever.

as for other people, gay women, muslims, whoever, i don’t have much experience here w the latter because im mostly focused on sorting myself out first before trying to fully integrate into like, being w other women in that capacity, and maybe im taking a little longer than i’d like but the good that comes out of this is im a lot less concerned about what other people have to say to me abt my identity. if gay women don’t like me bc of my hijab or my religion i really don’t gaf, they’re obviously not meant for me. don’t cater yourself to anyone but yourself, this goes for both sides. u don’t need to appease the gays by shutting down your religion and u don’t need to appease the muslims by believing u are wrong and an abomination. u were created this way, gay and it seems like u have a sort of tether to ur religion, how is that ur fault or something for u to adjust? the right people will come and the wrong ones will make it obvious (inshallah very quickly). and sometimes in our situation we find ourselves loving and deeply caring for people who just really don’t get it. that’s not ur fault either or something to resent! im starting to enjoy thinking of it as a variety. just do ur best to make sure these ppl are looking out for u and genuinely care for ur well-being even if they don’t really “get” you. and if u have no choice in the matter, hold on to the hope that people who DO get you are coming. islam is the connection between you and allah - that’s it. drown out everything else and don’t let noises distract you from that. i personally wear a hijab because it’s a part of who i am and makes me feel more protected (in a spiritual sense, i am of course very aware now that i live in australia that on a social level it can make me more of a target but i have not been threatened yet to the point of where im forced to remove it. u are not a bad muslim for choosing not to wear it, whatever ur reasoning is).

god gave us a tricky life, one can only theorise why, but what i do know is there are very few people on this earth who will understand u completely, even other lgbt muslims, and even fewer who will have ur best interest at heart. inshallah u find those few sooner rather than later, and remember the point is to let others lighten the load because this is a heavy thing to carry all by yourself. even online ppl in the same position will help. u have me 🧡 i am not experienced or developed enough to offer much more beyond this but i hope you can find some clarity and peace and i hope this helps in even a tiny way. i feel for you

[tordenvejr]

how can i make new friends in adulthood ? i always come off as weird or clingy or i always try to make a move on people when i get drunk around them lol i try to not get drunk. have u ever been so lonely that you talk to urself ? i really need friends im so lonely. im seriously thinking about hurting myself im that lonely and alone im scared of myself too sometimes in those times you know. my mom and dad are real distance we never talk so i have nobody to talk to. i guess im scared to get close because i always end up pushing people away before they leave me. idk but im scared right now im scared today for a new day. i know that i wont hurt myself i just need someone to talk to. im lonely and just lonely. but how do u personally make new connections in adulthood ? sorry to have bothered you if this is a stupid message lol bye.

for the life of me i cannot understand why people come to me for friendship advice 🐌 i am a hermit too! but i'll do my best to answer your questions 🌤️

immerse yourself in what you love, express of what you love, seek out what you love and when you stumble into others with similar loves, be brave despite the fear of vulnerability, allow yourself the opportunity of connection and let the reaching for that be worth it even if you are rejected.

do you know that you come off as weird and clingy? or is that a judgement that you're putting on yourself, and you speaking for other people?

try to be comfortable in the space between separation and deep intimacy, i can speculate that wanting that intimacy as fast as possible (in the context of 'making a move') may be a way to protect yourself from the discomfort of not knowing how they feel about you, and it's a way to make yourself feel safe.

i talk to myself all the time, that isn't a bad or a weird thing, some of us just do that. why not confide in one of your oldest friends? why not take up space?

the echoes of other people's past cruelty towards you, in your voice towards yourself, is only going to broaden your pain, and it's only going to make you feel more lonely. challenge it when it comes, offer new ways of thinking about yourself, agree to only speak with malicious words towards yourself once a day - it's better than all the time.

you have to make a choice, will you continue destroying yourself or will you nourish yourself? if you feel as if you do not deserve nourishment then that is a separate wound to care of, but while it may feel like an obstacle in your decision, it is not. make your choice regardless of how you feel about yourself. it has to start somewhere, and when you make this choice, to sustain yourself, hurting yourself is not an option. so what will you do instead?

ask yourself, are you scared of yourself or have you just been scared so long that you have begun to think that it is of you? does the distrust belong to you, or is it others own projected self-distrust?

when there is a longing for your parents that cannot be sated or met, that means that there is a loss of something important, and when there is a loss there is a grief to be had. allow the grief to take space, when you feel called to. everything may be too overwhelming right now, but give yourself the grace of caring for it and allowing it to hurt when a wave of hurt, loneliness, neglect washes over you. waves and clouds always pass.

why do you push them away? what are you afraid will happen? are you anticipating a repeat of a past wound, maybe even related to how you were raised? the present it not the past, and should something painful happen in the present you are more capable in dealing with it than you ever were before. are you afraid that people will find something in you and deem you unworthy? identify exactly what you are afraid will be found, and then describe exactly why that quality or aspect is one that you possess? and define why it is bad? not what you fear will happen, but why is that quality bad? who decided that?

tend to your nervous system, regulate it every day, allow presence to begin to take up more space than fear.

give up on your defense of avoidance, so that people can come in and be by your heart.

why would you messaging me be a bother? why would you genuinely asking for advice be stupid? promise me no more 'lol byes' 🧸 you do not need it when you're ready to show up authentically. give up expecting rejection and mistreatment. you are strong, you are not at the mercy of me or anyone else. love u 🤝☀️

[christ-l0ver]

Hi, I’m having a really hard time with finding a romantic partner. Im 26 years old and I have been single for a couple of years now. Sometimes I go on dates but It’s just not matching. Praying and reading the Bible more has helped a lot but sometimes the waves of feeling lonely in a romantic way is difficult and it just feels hopeless sometimes. I want what God wants for me and if that means, me just being an nice aunt, that’s what it is. Maybe I have a different purpose? I don’t know how people go about finding Gods plan for you.. Do you maybe have some insight? Xx love your blog btw

Hey friend,

Sorry for the super late response.

First off I want to say, I understand how annoying it can be and just difficult in general it is. Although God is sovereign, it is okay to acknowledge that singleness isn't always fun for everyone. Some people enjoy being single, while others struggle through it - and both of those are okay. The key in it all is to truly trust in God's goodness through it all.

We were created to be beings that hold relationships/companionship. Firstly, with God Himself (which is why part of the work Christ did on the cross was bring reconciliation between us and God), and secondly with other people.

I do know there are some people that are called to be single and celibate for life. Paul, for example, said in 1 Corinthians that he was single and some people that lose a spouse would find it much more beneficial to remain single too - unless they cannot exercise self-control (verses from 1 Corinthians 7 paraphrased). So, even Paul acknowledges that some people should not seek to stay single.

The truth is I don't believe we can somehow find out God's plan for every single tiny part of our lives. We do know His core goal though: to bring glory to His name (Colossians 1:16; 1 Cor. 10:31; 1 Chronicles 16:24; Ephesians 3:21; Isaiah 42:8; etc) and to sanctify us throughout our entire lives on earth (1 Thessalonians 5:23).

The best advice I can give you is to surround yourself with people that will support you during this season. Not people that will make you feel like there is something wrong for not being in a relationship nor people that will shame you for wanting to have a husband in the future. You are not alone, friend. I will be praying that, if it is God's will, He will guide the person - He has ordained to love you and be your teammate - to enter your life.

Praying for God's best for you!

-S

[smol-grey-tea]

for the ask game: tei? im curious about your thoughts on tei!!

Woah! :0 you funny, I already did Tei :) maybe I'll just go into a bit more detail and elaborate on the bullet points from last time!!! 😊

Chance for me to infodump about my thoughts on Tei :3 😊

Tei's so interesting. He pisses me off, he's the most boring one, but it's tbh mostly cuz he's the most popular within the fandom, that's why I don't as much like him. I think ppl only focus on the fact that he's a possessive yandere obsessed with purity and believes that no one should hurt his owner, but if anyone is going to, it should be him

Boring

Boring, boring boring

Get real. Get actually interesting. Oh. My. God.

Ppl rly think that's the most interesting aspect of his character?? It's certainly not the most relatable, at least not to me

Tei is a character wracked with anxiety and worry for his owner, who he places on a pedestal higher than the sun for smiling at him in place of treating him like the scum of the earth that he believes himself to be. He's not concerned about the owner abandoning him like Yeonho is, just about the owner's safety. He'll stop at nothing to keep that safety, and that's no exaggeration

In this way, he acts selflessly, say for all but his selfish desire to hurt the owner. He feels immense shame and disgust around it and blames it on his being dirty, but I think it's not so much a result of his being grotesque and disgusting, but simply lonely.

It must be incredibly isolating to shoulder so much pain and fear and worry all on his own, all while dealing with the painful memories of his previous owner. The best way I can interpret his desire to hurt Eri is by saying that deep down, he wants someone to lean on or relate to in his pain, and feel comfort thru their shared trauma.

He wants to dirty his owner, to make her like him, so that they may both finally be on the same level of purity and he can stand with her, and she can understand him. He cares for her deeply and sees her as safe but would feel guilty for burdening her with his issues if she was pure, but that wouldn't matter if she were just like him

He views this desire as selfish but I believe that this desire is manifesting from the simple desire for human connection, someone to be completely himself and honest around, which is something not nearly as selfish as he would believe ❤❤❤

Obviously, this doesn't excuse it. To change, he needs to learn to seek help, to reach out honestly about the pain he's going thru, taking one step at a time

Whether you romanticise his toxic behaviour or demonise it, I think it can still be agreed that simply removing him from the picture isn't a good solution to the danger that he is. Evidently, aside from Eri, Tei is the glue that holds the whole family together. He cooks, cleans, does the laundry and all the pecking he needs to, not just for Eri, but for the whole household

He gently urges Lance not to fight with Red; calms Yeonho's anxiety and teaches him cooking; nags Yuri but still feeds him and helps him just the same; and keeps Red happy and entertained with the justice warrior role playing

His relationships with each of the other boys are equally as complex as his with Eri, the way Red can feel comfortable enough with Tei to talk to him in a serious manner, and the way that Yuri warns Eri of Tei's dangers. Fascinating stuff behind the scenes that we don't even see!!!!!

I'm not sure how Cheritz would've been able to do this, since Nameless is told thru Eri's perspective, but based on the above, here's how I think that Tei's story could've been written a bit more realistically for him:

He cares for Eri deeply and his desire to hurt her doesn't just spring from nowhere, but comes more from the desire for human connection, someone to rely on or relate to, someone he can be his authentic honest self around. After hearing Tei's explanation, Eri agrees to help him thru his recovery, which is sweet of her, but I know that any relationship with someone you put on a pedestal can be extremely tough. It's incredibly easy to relapse and fall back when your entire day rests on whatever mood that one person is in

I've spoken about this before. In my opinion, Tei needs someone he can rely on, who is older than him, who he cannot hurt as easily, who he doesn't idolise, who he has much more stable of a relationship with

He needs Yuri. And Yuri needs him

It's the same for Yuri. Just like in his own route. He struggles with understanding emotions, especially sincerity that isn't tied to just empty flirting

The best way that Yuri can learn about authentic, sincere emotion is by trying to build a relationship with someone who he knows definitely isn't just interacting with him because of his good looks. Sure, Eri probably isn't, but being his owner (and a girl) that can kinda throw a wrench into things

Oh I haven't even mentioned that Tei's ocd is the biggest thing I can relate to him with. Hmm. It's 01:04. If I think of anything else to add, I'll make an addiction tomorrow. Idk how to conclude this essay, so I'll just say thanks again for sending the ask, n please keep em comin!!!!! I can do this for over 672 hours!!!!! ^^

[dreamdripdistance]

actually yknow what. i Am fucking miserable. re deleted post noone read bc i got scared, yknow what maybe im not fine maybe im actually really not doing well and i never am!??

i dont even!!! i !!!! none of what im typing makes sense but how are people so brazen about talking about this!!! how do people do it??? because im gonna delete this in the morning if someone asks and im gonna be like haha im okay dw i was just having a moment when im not!!! i AM okay im SAFE or whatever and im not hashtag depressed im just hashtag ill and it bleeds into every part of my life and i do shitty things to deal with it . im Not going to kill myself, i dont even like making jokes about that!!!!

idk i feel insane am i just a little too mentally ill to talk about it outside of a clinical setting bc thats what i feel like? like i literally heard a coworker joke about a suicide attempt he went through (and another imply she went thru a very similar thing), but since it was in the past and only once (from what i could gather) does that mean that He gets to talk about it?

but yknow what its fucking isolating not being able to talk about the shit i deal w everyday!!! like yeah i sh! it sucks! i make it too easy for myself to do it! i officially cant wear tshirts now! but at this point in time its the only thing that is making me feel like im not going to fall into an abyss of guilt and hatred and its the only tools to cope with it since i was 12 so we're just going with it!

i want so badly to talk about it because i hate feeling like ive been left out to sea with this shit but also its mortifying and its Current and Scary so noone wants to hear it without having triple zero ready. even though im literally not in mortal danger! why am i always told to go seek professionals when its like. i dont need professionals right now i need comfort and companionship because i Am safe. im cared for even if the coping mechanism is scary and harmful but im fucking alone!!!! and that's worse!!!!!

whatever! bitch! im okay and cared for physically and im safe im just fucking lonely and i just wanna talk to someone without it being a federal fucking issue is this like. wrong?? bc i dont actually know!!! maybe what i want isnt what is clinically correct or whatever. not best practice or some shit. idk. i need to go to bed

[miumiucowboy]

how i ruined my perception and idea of love

this is going to be pretty hard for me to write, and please bare with any grammatical errors etc as i am writing this just as the thoughts enter my head. maybe a video would be better but its almost 3AM and I have to be quiet. here is some context, im 18 years old, cis male and gay. all of my school life i was either bullied or made to feel uncomfortable in my sexuality, and this established a strong disconnect, especially in later years of high school, between the other guys and me. whilst i have female friends, its almost hard for me to feel like i fit in in either of this realms. besides my best friend who i would give the entire world too. i think its kind of important to note too that my father is, to be frank, emotionally unavailable, and my mother who has passed an array of her own problems onto myself, and she is emotionally manipulative and unstable, screaming and me, abuse to next second non-stop affection and love. btw, in no means is this me being like 'omg im so abused and mentally ill and no one wants me' like that victim complex stuff annoys me so bad, im just trying to figure out some emotions, but yeah i feel like that is important context. around my eighteenth birthday last year, I began seeking fulfilment off older men from the forbidden app (none of my friends even know about this) as a way to kinda fill a void of affection within me. ultimately this has totally destroyed my perception and idea of being loved. i'm currently talking to the cutest boy from brazil, and he is the first boy who I have ever genuinely been interested in getting to know on a deep level, ive never felt this way about anyone before so im trying to sort myself out for his sake and also because I really really really want this to work. i want to be loved so bad. i constantly crave validation from him, otherwise I feel as if he is loosing interest and for that I blame my mother - constantly trying to work around her unstable emotions, to stay in her 'good books' otherwise hell would rise. this is one of the biggest regrets in my life so far, is always catering to the what she would want. its always at the forefront of my mind and I feel as if she controls me in that regard. i also become way way way too attached to people who show me the smallest amount of attention just because I really am so lonely. im currently at university and this is a whole other thing but the loneliness is insane, especially when you see friends doing so well socially, and of course im happy for them its just hard because I feel like my teenage dream and expectations vs what I have done are so far apart from each other and I feel like im wasting my youth away. im also scared that i am unable to associate love and sexual desires with one another, and im scared that this is going to happen with this new guy. my entire mindset around love is ruined. idk what to do this isn't even all I wanted to say but its actually so hard for me atm so im going to stop here. i just hope that this works out between me and davi I really really really pray that it does

[aur0raborealiss]

a bojack horseman type of outburst by a non-religious girl

and i don't feel good about myself and i want to feel good about myself but i don't know how. and call me evil since i want people to be miserable with me because misery loves company, no? who wouldn't want to feel that they are being seen? that they are valid? being comforted? loved despite going through the worst times? who doesn't want to experience care? so sue me if, at some point, i want people to be miserable with me. sue me if i want people to sit with me on our dirty white, marble floor while i pour my heart out. fucking sue me if i want to be held while i fall apart because i've been feeling so so so lonely. and not even my hobbies can fill the void i've been feeling.

and it's so hard to always yearn. i yearn so much i'm a natural to it. i yearn so much to the point i forgot what i'm even yearning for. my mind buried it at the back of my head but i know i have this inexhaustible yearning for tenderness.

maybe kafka was right. maybe im simply unfit for human relationships because perhaps im too much. which is a funny thing to say because i take pride in being too much since i believe to some, perhaps i am but not to another — that they know how to handle with me care or even with stern, gently hands. but god, god knows i yearn to be loved. i yearn to be seen and understood. i am so tired of pretending i can handle life alone. i am so tired pretending i don't seek love because i do seek love. and i am aware of what they say about seeking love: stop and let it find you. but why must there be a shame for seeking love? isn't it a normal thing for humans to seek love? why must we let love find us if we can also try to find it? is it because we believe we're going to fall into a rabbit hole? make bad decisions? aren't all those part of human experiences? you fail at love then you try to find one again, in hopes to find the right one this time. then fail again, then you hope again. it's an endless cycle of failing and loving and grieving and loving and failing and so on and so forth.

but you hold on to that hope. you hold on to that tiny ray of light. even if there's no guarantee you'll find one this time.

i remember what my religion professor said about faith or hope. it is what you call it when you still trust him or the world despite there are doubts. now i am not the most religious person in the world. i have my fair share of mistakes and sins, and i honestly don't know how far my hope will take me, how far my love for the world will make me continue to seek love but with gritted teeth, i will cling to it. despite it having fangs or sharp claws, i will hold onto it tightly. because without it, i would fall into the endless pit of grief. and i'd like to believe that life isn't too late for me.

god, help me get through this. i know i wasn't and am not the best child you have ever had but just let me get through this. help me overcome this grief, this sadness, this magnified yearning that has been following me and perhaps even finding its way to weigh on my shoulders. i would try to recite the novena again. memorize the ten mysteries of the rosary. repeat the holy mary and the hail mary prayer. kneel on a bilao filled with salt, with my eyes blindfolded, i would repent for my sins. try and be a good child again just please, help me. if you are so kind and understanding and loving as what the world depicts you to be then help me. because if this is a punishment, i'd be glad to say it is working. would there be any meaning behind all this? would it achieve something? please tell me there is because i don't know how i would feel if there were none. tell me all this pain is justified. that this isn't simply the consequences of my actions or it is what's supposed to happen because it's written on my pre-determined life. not because it simply happened because that is life.

because if it is nothing of sort like that, then so help me God. apologies for the things i might do.

[expressingfeelingsforthe1sttime]

This is gonna be a message for my ex which really I struggled in expressing but for the first time in history, With all the days I never even wanted to express and talk about my feelings about it , now I finally can without being overly depressed and overly emotional because the weight is just too much and it definitely drained me when we're still together. Whether he reads this or not its ok. I just needed to share my thoughts and my sincerest apologies, and the first time I was able to come out and express it wholeheartedly and clearly.

I used to be half assed about it but. Damn this didnt even require mental effort to write it just all came flowing like a river 😆 but this is a blunt one.

no sugar.

Why I didn't do this before had to do with so much drama and misunderstandings that never ended between the two of us.

Here are my thoughts about it. I've pondered for days searching for answers but failed to do so until I searched within myself which really made me really realize my true innermost feelings and thoughts without any biases, confusion and heavy emotions. Despite of seeking answers in the wrong places. I wish I had listened to my inner voices earlier and didn't overthink too much. Aside from that I have learned a bit more and much more afterwards. Guess people really learn but the progress might be slow.

Now true for everyone but I mean in my case.

So here it is

Post-breakup thoughts

Im sorry If I havent really fully trusted you Sorry If I cant trust you in things that had given me so much to worry about which had nothing to do with you but it was my anxiety, and I can't help it Im sorry if I cant believe whatever you tell me, sorry if I felt like I couldn't take time to think before I say something or do

I became mentally paralyzed and depressed as I felt like you invalidated my feelings for a long time but maybe we just don't get each other and we have different values and things we wanted just doesn't fit and we weren't really on the same page and its okay cause everyone is different and its okay to be different, I mean I wish you knew how frustrating it felt when I find myself to believe on what you believe.

But I know we tried to work things out.. uhh and thats what relationship is all about. Right?

Sorry if i couldn't make efforts to be more reliable as a partner that you wanted me to be But I never really wanted to feel things this way because I'm just scared of everything that I see in our relationship, I'm scared that things in the past might happen again at our time.

But by simply thinking about it just ruin everything but I realized that my thoughts were to blame for it.

I acted so badly and had treated you so badly.

I just know deep down that I'm scared of losing my happiness that I found in you,I fell so hard, deeply and profoundly.

I wasn't lonely when we met but I just realized that I just wanted to be with you and thats all and I wished I had done things right but Im just losing my mind and self-control which frustrated me.

I just can't be the one for you I guess because of the way I see relationships and it scares me.

I'm just not ready for commitments and everything I do just doesn't make sense when Im in a relationship, but I don't know if I can say atleast I tried because I haven't really done so much.

I just wanted to say I'm really sorry If this all happened.

I mean not that I made a lot of mistakes but learned the hard way that it takes a lot of courage to own up to things.

Im aware of all of this. I really didn't want to say goodbye, I really didn't want to go on and move forward, I was really happy even things weren't good but It was one of the best and I think about each times as just as neutral as it is cause I don't really regret letting you be a part of my life but anyway despite all of that, I know you did so much for me and had given me hope, and it hurts because holding on to us has hurt me more than ever and I am really upset that it had to end this way and I agree that its really painful and It hurts to hold on while we're still together thinking of the worst.

It feels like everything has fallen apart between us and everything went downhill and I'm just at the same time grateful because I needed to feel all of this to come to this point and I'm finally free at last. And thats what I where I want to be despite wishing that things were different or could be but It is what it is.

I've never written anything like this before throughout the relationship. I always thought I'd never end up writing something at all because for all the times we spent, I was just totally confused and things were never clear on my side.

It just felt as if I couldn't really express how I feel either and it seemed like this was the first time in our whole relationship that I did. But I'm not sure why right now that I could. Now I can think rightly.

Soooo yes .. All I can say is that... Well, uh I can clearly think and say what I want without second-guessing my words and thoughts which I really struggled when we were still in a relationship. I didn't really lose myself in the relationship, RATHER I found myself and knew myself better lol if thats the cause well I used to fear losing myself but thats old news.Atleast now I better know what I want and need. I just opened my eyes completely to what it was, than what I thought it was nothing to be upset or anything.

I'm such a fool to fall for my doubts. What I used to long for, no longer was to long about.

I didn't ever want to ever position myself into this place but this is necessary like its just meant to happen.