#im not afraid of lesbians anymore. only some lesbians.

[sciderman]

Hi, this is the gender-confused anon and i just wanted to say thanks for the reply and also, no, the "sexualizing women" part definetly isn't something that's similar to the terf bullshit they spread, it's more of a "do i wanna be a girl, sometimes, or is it me fetishizing lesbian because of my cis man brain?" type of deal. Also i know for centrain i am not a trans woman, as there are days i am completely fine being more masculine (So ig it's more of a genderfluid or nonbinary thing? Perhaps.) but other days i wonder.

shrugs. lesbians are hot. I don’t think it’s only cis men who are of that opinion. you know who also has that opinion? lesbians, I think.

I don’t know what’s going on in your brain but I think as long as you’re careful that no one is getting hurt or insulted then you’re probably okay. just. you know. be respectful of other humans and don’t reduce them to objects of desire and remember that they are Layered People that are just as complex as you are and you’re fine.

maybe endeavour to make some femme friends first. (just friends). (don’t be weird about it). I don’t know you and what’s going on with you, but it feels like this disconnect you’re feeling might be because you don’t have femme friends? it’s very easy to see lesbians as more than a fetish if you talk to a real breathing lesbian who is not just a pretty fantasy on your computer screen. so - do something crazy. talk to your local lesbian. I promise they’re not as scary as you think. (and this is coming from someone who used to be scared of lesbians).

[the-amber-droid-dreams]

i hate that i made it my whole thing that im so Not romantically jealous and that im always 100% cool and chill with all that comes w being polyam bc im having a hard time w my gfs newest relationship and i cant say anything about it

[velvetvexations]

this is pretty venty i apologize in advanced but I feel like transradfems literally dominate trans spaces at this point… cant follow a trans meme page on instagram without being hit w some theyfab shit, literally sought out meme pages ran by transmascs only to see post after post abt how transwomen get worse treatment so thats the only issues they should talk about; cant follow important trans archives without every comment section being full of discussions about only transmisogyny and tma/tme and how transmen and tme enbies are violently trans misogynistic , literally anytime Ive ever mentioned anti transmasculinity the only responses I get is from transradfems telling me “trans misandry” isn’t real and then pulling some “yall just hate a tranny that disagrees with you🙄” when you try to argue w them. Cant try to follow hardly any lesbian/transbian pages without seeing “MEN DNI” (im multigender and while im not necessarily a man my experiences are v similar to trans mens so this always pushes me away). A few of my transfem friends have shared memes about “theyfabs” and “she/theys”, and how pronoun circles are just for when someone “clocks u as tranny” Literally just saw someones profile that said “Cis people/tme people: GIVE ME MONEY GIVE TRANS WOMEN MONEY” which like… idk am i the only one that feels weird about “tme’s” being constantly grouped w cis people? Idk im just so exhausted,, i dont even know how to verbalize my feelings anymore but… idk i feel like this upsurge of radical feminism will never end and Im gonna have to live the rest of my life being afraid to have a voice for myself in queer/trans spaces. It means a lot to see you and people like my gf rooting for us but it feels like such a small minority lol. Idk what else to say im too sick and tired to get my thoughts together but thanks for what you do, hope ur taking care of urself <3

Ugh, all of that is really infuriating, I'm sorry anon. <3 I'm in your corner.

[alicentsgf]

What do you like in rhaenicent? What attracts you to them as a couple, and what attracts them to each other in your opinion?

i was so tempted to just respond with 'im a lesbian' but imma bite. prepare yourselves.

the basic cornerstone of it is i love women and i really really love tragedy, so this pairing is Perfection. on the most basic level, episode 1 rhaenicent was just cute like anyone who denies that just hates joy i guess. i was at least a little invested from scene 1.

you've got these two girls who have such different temperaments but then theres this undeniable element of sensual intimacy and chemistry. to me it seemed obvious even without the comments from the cast and crew that alicent and rhaenyra were in love with each other (in some way) as girls. they start off so comfortable with each other, reaching out for each other at every opportunity. rhaenyra even admits, however flippantly, to wanting alicent (and freedom) to the detriment of everything and everyone else. she would leave it all behind except alicent. but this means the dream dissipates with alicents disproval. rhaenyra is All desire, whereas, for better or worse, alicent tempers that because she is All duty and shes been raised to perform it without question (initially for rhaenyra as her companion, then later for her king/husband and their children). the biggest themes in the story are brought forth by rhaenicent's dynamic and by ways in which they act as foils for each other: loss, betrayal, duty vs desire, generational curses, motherhood, the madonna/whore dichotomy and its impotence, and the inevitability of a tragic ending.

they loved each other so deeply because growing up they were each others everything. i honestly think alicent only ever experienced unconditional love with rhaenyra, which is why she clings to the memory of it so desperately, (whereas rhaenyra had aemma perhaps?). alicent and rhaenyra were never without each other in their formative years, and they probably thought they never would be. in some ways they were torn out of each others lives with the same amount of violence and resulting mutilation as aemond losing his eye. they had molded themselves into each others empty spaces, making up for what the other lacked. they're incomplete without each other and deep down they both know that, and its why even after everything, with all the reasons they shouldn't care about each other anymore, they still find themselves desperate for reconcilation. and alicent still wont see rhaenyra dead, even when shes a possibly lethal threat to alicent's family. otto sees the truth of it, forcing alicent to acknowledge it too - even at the peak of their estrangement a world without rhaenyra is a world alicent cant make sense of.

and heres the really delicious part: they're going to destroy each other. its inevitable and it always was, because the world they live in would never have let them do anything else. its the curse of the targaryens meets the curse of westerosi womanhood. idk maybe at this point some people might wonder 'well then why bother having them love each other at all, if it ends with them alone and afraid and hating each other?', but isnt that the point of tragedy? love matters even if it sours. it matters even if it cant save anyone. theres catharsis in acknowledging the cost of human frailty and not doing anything to suggest things should or could have happened differently, but just encouraging us, very simply, to indulge our own ugly, stupid humanity.

the truth is the moment their relationship first truly gripped me was actually episode 6. i loved young alicent and rhaenyra but it was seeing their older versions so at odds with one another in contrast to their past that captured my interest. which is why i feel 'shipping' is just... not the right term for what where my brain is at with them. i feel it implies i want things for them as a pairing that i dont: i dont want them together, i dont want them to be less resentful, or to reconcile, and for all the jokes i dont even want them to be physically intimate. i want them to hate each other and i want them to hate how much they still care, i want it eating them alive, i want them unable to deny it because its the love, grief, and betrayal thats at the root of their resentment.

for me it seems like the reason grrm and the development team okayed this change is because whilst a 'history' book like fire and blood doesnt need an element such as this, the change in format to an intimate portrayal made it almost necessary. rhaenyra and alicents dynamic anchors the plot whilst also critiquing the nature of the shows own source material for its inaccuraces and misogyny. as a result the story of the dance becomes not just a story of targaryen entitlement and the resulting retribution, which i would have been a fan of anyway, but the tragic love story of two women who fell victim not just to the unforgiving nature of the world they were born into, but to their own human frailties. and im honestly just basking in it because this is so much more than i could have hoped for.

so i guess my point is that rhaenicent are barely even a 'couple' to me lmao, im studying them like a live specimen under a microscope and im not afraid to prod them with sharp implements.

[dumbflickerideas]

why is there no flicker r34 anymore. make some or something SOMEONE !!!!!! im sick at having to look at old vinluke or johnvin shit from 2020 where half of the characters are white washed and theres no women involved whatsoever (I am lesbian) and my favourite characters are nowhere in sight. PLEEEEASE

uh.

The only ones I’ve come across (as in seen. Not that kind of come.) were of Aphrodite, Annie, Adora, and Arielle (I think?)

And honestly? I’d like to draw suggestive art of it but also I’m afraid bc we are a small community and I don’t wanna be labeled as the cringy nsfw artist and lose all my moots on here qwq

[tw1stedthicket]

fuck me man. after going back through some stuff and really thinking about it, im ngl, i feel pretty happy with just calling myself sapphic due to really only caring about being with women and wanting to define my relationships in that context and not in a context of including or centering men, and i wouldn't even mind if someone referred to me as lesbian even if it's not the word i would use, but that'a the thing! there's a word called "gay" and newsflash abby, that's what only wanting women is, even if you worm your way around not being called a "lesbian"; but! i am really afraid to own that. It's like, okay, i'm afraid of using the word "lesbian" due to what i'm afraid people might think, but if i tell people i like women and do what i wanna do.. they're gonna come to the same conclusion. I know this is internalized homophobia which makes me feel even more shameful, but it's me being honest.

What sparked this thinking was how i found a really cute bracelet of the "woman" symbol with the circle as a heart and it was linked to another one to represent 2 women connected and love for each other and stuff and i was like omg i wanna wear that that makes my heart go soft 🥹 but then i was like no because if i do that then i really have to own it! Theres no longer any way i can be like "well...yes....um....you see this only makes me happy because i also have an attraction to women...it's not that i really really love them haha... i am also attracted to everyone else too including men!" And so i was like well maybe i can do like a little rainbow! I can always say "i just like rainbows" right?

But then it's like ah goddamit people really are gonna assume then that im not bi! But i dont want people to think im bi and i dont know how that fucking works! The thing is, is i dont think to myself anymore than i am bi, even tho sure, there are lots of attractive and wonderful men. But i feel like my inclusion of them in my identity is me being disingenous, it's me including them because i know there is a real possibility that i would feel attraction toward a guy enough that i want to be with him but in reality if i felt that way about a guy, the thought that they might like me back makes me feel afraid, because somewhere in my fucked up thought process i am thinking that means im gonna be with him!! I like him, he likes me, we obviously get together right? But i dont want that! If i could honestly flip a switch where no guy ever liked me romantically again and instead just wanted to be good friends or besties and the strongest sense of attraction they felt to me was entirely platonic, i would flip it immediately! I wanna be their friends so much more! Please save me that anxiety. Is it anxiety from having to perform gender roles for them and in reality if i deconstructed those then i would see myself comfortably being with a man? Maybe?? I dont feel like fucking doing that work tho anyway because the attraction i feel toward men is, and im so sorry dudes, is like... not worth doing the mental lifting for for what it would take for me being with them. I'm sorry, women are literally right there instead. And i dont feel the same baggage for them, just genuine warm fuzzies. People tell me "oh women are just as complicated and human and capable of being bitches! It's hard work either way!" Okay but i have never wanted a man bad enough that i would stick with it like i would with an amazing woman i loved, and newsflash there are a million fucking more of them than there are men. *IN MY INTERPRETATION* again sorry dudes. Thats not even just saying like all dudes are bad people or something to have to do labor for, i just have to jump through hoops to find who i am to them, you know? I get out of myself in every romantic encounter/relationship ive had with guys. Again, is it because i was raised with fucked up experiences of what men and women are supposed to be like or do? I dont fucking know.

If i had to honestly and truthfully take a guess, my guess would be that i am capable of experiencing attraction and happiness with anybody, regardless of gender, given that the relationship is equal and based on a genuine love and respect for both people. In the sense that perhaps there are always exceptions to every rule because the world is so fucking big and there will always be humans out there that could make you question no matter how much you like a particular type of person, but also because maybe some of my attraction to men, as anxiety-producing as it tends to be, is more of an inner thing and actually could be be appropriately healed and manifested in genuine good feelings toward him and a desire to be with him i.e. true attraction. And maybe the reason i want to pursue romance and love and whatnot with women more is because it feels safer. And maybe part of that is because i am a woman myself. Is that wrong? Is it safer because it's more genuine? Hey, i think so in the most charitable part of my brain, but the comphet part of me says "women are always just emotionally connected and intuitive with each other ofc it's easier for them to have relationships with each other! the connection is just all women tho!" but that just serves to devalue the genuine attraction i feel for women that is romantic and sexual and all that :/ Like stfu brain, i dont think most women actually desire relationships with other women and life partners and stuff and labeling it as "just girls and their casual soulmate status with their best friend 🤪" pisses me off. But at the end of the fucking day i know what my choice is! Am i being biphobic? Thinking it's invalid and i need to choose? Well my mind feels like it's fucking chosen for me and i like women!

I hate this because then it makes me really sad like goddamn this really is me huh and i know how people fucking act and treat gay people or lesbian people and it makes me really fucking sad. I was just thinking to myself and it was like, yknow, i feel like i really am in a closet. And i have tried on an outfit that i think i would really like. And i put it on and have to close my eyes to do it because if i open them im gonna be too scared to really look at myself and go through with it. So then i put it on and it feels different, but it hugs my body in ways that feel comfortable even when i cant see it. And when i open my eyes and look in the mirror, it is startling but not surprising, and a little bit awe-some, and theres a moment of recognition that...In my private mind, this is how i see myself. What i am looking at on the outside is what i see on the inside. What i always wanted to be, at least. There's a "Finally" caught behind your breath but it feels not quite right to say that, because how could you have known? I never would have had i not let myself actually...explore. Actually recognize, i guess. But i cant exit the safety of my room, my closet, my dressing room, whatever it is. People would say im a freak, they'd be disgusted, at worst. People might forcibly rip at the clothes or force me to change. People might say theres nothing wrong with it but it's inappropriate to wear in public. People might even say "wow! That outfit really is you! But...i dont like this you." And a million things.

I'm so fucking new to this, i only recognized and realized attraction, and i mean genuine attraction, to women just a couple years ago even tho i had been privately questioning it for longer, but. Damn. It makes me really sad to think of the women that look at other women who like women and dont feel the same comraderie because they think im gross, or a predator, or something. It hurts to think of anyone thinking badly of me, but honestly its the other women that would see me differently that makes me sad. If men wanna be mad then fuck them but it makes me really sad to think that other women would not like me or distrust me.. :(

[mighwnt]

13fidelis -> mighwnt

i’m fidelis, the dykiest catboygirl you’ll ever meet!!

20 yrs, bisexual genderflux polyam butch, they/he/she/pika/mew + more

i’m autistic + ocd + physically disabled. also i’m an artist and i study graphic design. i’m also a mod for @mcyt-transcribed​ and @transcriptions !!

i mostly like sugar pine 7, mcyt + streamers, args, internet/fandom history, warrior cats, our flag means death, ace attorney, lost media, among us, law and order: svu and mothership, and pokemon. i need you to understand that i havent read homestuck i just think the fanart is cool. i dont know what vriska did and im too afraid to ask.

minors please block the tag #nsft 👍

if i add an image/video description or a transcription to your post, please go ahead and add it to the original post, no need to ask!

here’s my carrd, i’d appreciate if u read it before u followed <3 tl;dr: i love mspec gays/lesbians, i love fagdykes and dykefags, i love ppl whose identity doesnt make sense. i block people all the time for stupid shit and that’s based of me. i’m a bisexual butch dyke and i won’t change how i describe myself for u. also i don’t like dream, he’s gross.

more cool things below the cut vv

mutuals, i’d appreciate if you could tag dear e/van hans/en for me, it makes me very uncomfortable. anything to do with it, or "fid dni” works for me

sideblogs:

@fidelisart​: art-only blog!! i rb all my art on there

@genderselkies​: for genders + other gay shit. cant believe the url was open

@enby-stan​: for south park fanart reblogging. keeping it to a sideblog bc it (rightly) makes some ppl uncomfy. i have nostalgia and problems though. so.

@caelum-comfort​: writing prompt storage, mainly whump/hurt/comfort stuff. rarely used.

@splashhheart: warrior cat design blog. hasnt been updated in like a year. whoops.

i tag very thoroughly. i need my organization. that said, if u need me to tag smth, send me an ask! i tag triggers as the word itself. i dont tag slurs anymore though, just block the word. uhh also i post high sometimes. tagged as weedposting. just block the tag if that makes u uncomfortable.

check out my neocities site, i work very hard on it.

now for the fun stuff:

[genderqueerdykes]

hello, i’ve 100% now realize after a two year journey that i am aro. but idk, i want to be more open about it to my irl friends, just like with my lesbianism, but i’m afraid that people will make arophobic comments or just straight out deny it in front of me. i’m always asked, “do you have a special someone/crush/etc?” and im afraid that if i say no, then ppl will go “oh but everyone has a someone!” the casual arophobic bs like that. i also only have interests in qpp and possibly short term relationships, and i just hate how so much of the people around me except me to be this perfect partner for a potential romantic relationship. also i call myself more grey-romantic because i still want to experience what being in a romantic relationship feels like, despite the fact that i dont feel romantic attraction. kinda like wanting to go on a roller coaster but your afraid of heights. if you get what i mean.

i at least have a group of supportive online friends who get what i am (and are also aro lol)

felt. just. oughhhh, hit me right in the feelings

i'm glad that you've realized who you are, and have a group of online friends who get you for who you are (and are also aro lol). i get that fear because people just make a bunch of assumptions or accuse you off the walls stuff. it's weird because like... idk i've tried to be in romantic relationships and i always, always burn out on the kisses, cuddling, using pet names, being mushy, etc. very quickly. i can do it at first because it makes the other person happy but i always burn out and wish i didn't have to do it anymore after a few months into the relationship, and i don' tthink that's fair for me to keep doing to people who Like romance. i just don't though it's tedious and very uncomfortable for me as an autistic traumatized person. i don't like being touched that much, especially not light touches. makes my skin crawl. but again i don't want to keep withholding that from people who want it

humans have a diverse and varied experience. some humans adore romantic gestures and being soft and intimate with people in that kind of way. a lot of people don't. the people who tell you you're broken are projecting their feelings on to you, because it would harm them to go without. well, you are not them, and if they say those kinds of things, those folks need to realize that humans are not cookie cutter people and we all experience something a bit different. no two aro people are exactly alike, either

i hope you're able to find some qpps or something that suits your needs and that people in your irl life come to understand that it means that you just. don't have certain feelings like others may but that it's literally okay. i have had very piss poor reactions from just about everyone i've admitted that to, so i wish you the best of luck, it's hard, but having support online is a great place to start to build your confidence. take care of yourself, stay chill

[werewolffem]

i want to socially detransition (never started medically for various reasons) and i know its probably the best path for me to reidentify as a woman again. im very short so even if i DID transition i would have very slim chances of passing convincingly anyway, plus the various health issues connected with medical transition that are swept under the rug by the trans community.. im only attracted to women (so ..a lesbian) so the internalized homophobia probably played a big part, im 20 now and been identifying as male since i was 13-14:/ my friend group during middle/high school, with whom i no longer talk to, was also mildly homophobic towards me and i think this pushed me to ID as "straight transman". im very scared of "reverse coming out". i lost a lot of friends in the past ~two years due to being severely depressed & its always hard to be all alone and im afraid being a desister is going to alienate me even more:/ i know what i should do (be a woman), but im too cowardly right now. especially after spending my 'formative' years like this.

if you believe it is the right and best path for you, then it 99.9% is. i started out by questioning it as well, thinking about detransitioning, about how i was actually a lesbian, the abuse/trauma/homophobia that helped attribute to this, and of course the danger of the hormones that wrecked my body. it took me some time to accept it due to the fact that i was afraid of losing my friends that i had made through transition. i went to and spoke to the "mean radfems" about it, those who i knew detransitioned, because they were the only ones i could trust to get actual helpful advice from.

i won't lie and say it's not true, but it's likely some friends will drop you for detransitioning -- for some reason they see this as some act of betrayal? they put detrans + radfems as one even if someone isn't a radfem and simply detrans. it is very possible this will lose friends but WERE they ever actually your friend if they drop you for doing what's best for you and who you are?

internalized homophobia plays a big part in this, i know for a fact. my mom yelled at me for being gay. was actually disgusted with me and told it to my face that she thought i was disgusting but proceeds to gaslight me into thinking she didn't which furthered the issue. sometimes you just have to come to terms with things by yourself rather than getting the resolution you needed from someone. knowing the internalized homophobia is there is the first step into deconstructing it within yourself and accepting/coming to terms with yourself. it takes time and a lot of work but you can do it!

if you choose to desist, you will be lost. I'm not trying to scare you but you'll feel like you're lost, you have no clue who you are anymore because you immersed yourself into an identity for so long and at so young. you'll have to find yourself again, but it will feel so freeing once you do! detransitioning for me was so awakening? i have been able to heal from certain things and find myself again, like my true self, and not hide as something for safety and coping. my depression and anxiety even eased up after detransitioning, especially stopping hrt as well.

what you choose to do is up to you, but i will be here if you need help or someone to talk to. this is all just information from me personally and it's not the same for everyone who desists/detransitions. it can be a lonely experience but there are people here who understand and can help along the way. so don't be afraid to reach out to me or someone else again. i know where you're coming from. there's no time frame for this. give yourself time to think things over, do what's best for you, do what you know will make you happy. for me, it was finding myself again in detransitioning. can it be the same for you? yes. but give yourself time ❤️

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

I’m really upset at some attitudes and suggestions my best friend made about me and I don’t know how to confront her about them.

Some months ago I came out to her as bi and she took it really well and im happy about that. This was also the year I actually started “dating”, if you can call it that. I dated two guys (one at the beginning of the year and i’m still technically dating the other one) and I haven’t felt super attracted to any of them. So far I went on one date with each and on both dates I left feeling sad without really knowing why. I feel like I have always had high expectations towards potential dating partners because I thought I had to date in order to find my “ideal partner”, someone I could be with forever, but it came to my understanding that most people date for fun, to try things out.

The thing is, my friend asked me if I had considered that i’m actually a lesbian because I put a lot of “buts” of why I don’t like these guys. She asked me once after the first guy and I told her that I didn’t think that was likely and after the second guy she asked again. I told her that I don’t want to date women right now because I want my first relationship experiences to be with men and she said that i’m pointlessly limiting myself. She *does* have a point but it’s my choice whether I date women or not. She seems to think it’s only a problem of internalised homophobia when in reality it’s not only that, it’s that I don’t want to worry about facing homophobia from others at this point in my life and I prefer men anyway so I don’t want to willingly subject myself to problems I wont have to face if I date men.

I sort of regret telling her I was bi because of this (to my surprise, I don’t regret it as much as I thought I would if I had known beforeshe would get like this. It’s nice to not have this secret anymore, even if im not 100% confident abour actually being bi). I want to tell her that her reasoning bothers me because it’s not true but i’m afraid she won’t believe me and right now im way too sensitive to handle that. I don’t know what to do.

Personally my recommendation would be to tell her exactly that. You are very capable of phrasing your inner thoughts and expressing why it bothers you what she said. If it's to hard to say it you can also write it in a letter to her but I think the problem-solving option would be to say "hey, there's something that's been bothering me and because I value our friendship I would love for us to talk this through" and then explain to her what you just explained to us.

On the other hand you say that you cannot handle it right now if she doesn't believe you, in which case I'd say the other option is to take your distance from her (at least for the time being) if her presence and comments aren't helpful to you right now and actually hurt you.

Also if you do talk to her and she ends up reacting badly then you're also well within your rights to say "you know what? I don't think under these circumstances the friendship is working for me right now. I'm gonna take a couple steps back for now".

Maddie

[bolandoando]

hmm that 90s show looks like booty, ive never finished that 70s show + every time i rewatch i stop at the end of season 5 bc thats when the humor loses its novelty for me and the audience laughter gets distracting. i always liked the attention to detail in the extras and how many cute outfits there were even in the background actors and the first season definitely felt autobiographical, but at a certain point the writers stopped introducing side characters and painted themselves into a corner not only by starting the show on 1976 and stretching the decade out by 4 years but also by ending the world-building. it came to a point where these 6 friends had absolutely no other friends, no new gfs/bfs and no reason to still be stuck in wisconsin at their grown up 30yr old age. none of those characters wouldve stuck around in that small town and instead of expanding the world and cast, they cut out donnas sister early on (which couldve led naturally to a younger cast/friend group that couldve continued the show as the older cast graduated hs and moved away), brought in no new diverse blood (scared off reagan gomez who wouldve been a fun addition but refused to be typecast, idk how white wisconsin is but the show couldve been more progressive) and stopped introducing major events in history which is what made the world so relateable and real, and cut out joseph gordon levitts gay character bc audiences didnt react well (considering the 70s, certainly the 60s, was more progressive about sex and gender, its pathetic how easily the writers were cowed and they shouldntve been afraid to address topics especially since it was funny and brought new material and actors to the show whose story got repetitive very quickly and wouldve benefited from new conflict). the idea of making hyde black was stupid as hell and unrealistic. why not just invite a black actor to the gang ? and i know sitcoms wear out their stay always but i think the writers really fucked it by letting things get stale. if donna was a combative feminist why didnt she have any women friends ? certainly she would know some lesbians and this feminist trait was abandoned at a point when it rlly should not have. it wouldve been fun to see her involved in the movement and get challenged on her beliefs and introduced other women actors who perhaps disagreed on her experience as a white feminist and brought more conflict to the show. idk im just thinking about the possible degrassi topics they couldve dealt with but with humor. her characterization was confused at times bc she was meant to be one of the guys but shes the least chill person in the bunch and was often hypocritical and as bratty and unreasonable as jackie. theres also no way jackie didnt have a posse of girlfriends, she may have been bossy and unlikeable in that world but she was most certainly popular in high school so to make it seem like she had absolutely no other friend group was a wasted opportunity. kelso 100% had other friends that couldve been introduced, there couldve been more parties more love interests more shenanigans if ppl outside of the friend group were acknowledged. theres political movements that couldve been used in the show for more than an episode and just more attempts at sincerity which the show lost. also fez lost his tan and looked quite like flaccid pasty playdoh i cant believe he got w so many underaged It girls at the time. ideally the writers shouldve either started the show by disregarding the pilot episode’s new year party and just slipped it in that actually its 1971 or they shouldve committed to having a tight and well written 4 seasons. i know that 80s show failed out the bat and i believe its bc the writers lost their imagination and the show was no longer a personal story but just a cash cow. there are so many stories of the 80s that couldve been told bc so much happened, so many cultural moments and idk the writers just werent creative anymore. the trailer for that 90s show looks like a nickelodeon show in the casting and i wonder how realistic it’ll get or how good it’ll be

[rikkami]

Just screaming into the void, don't mind me

Spending time with her post breakup has been both extremely miserable and cathartic, its great to know I still have one of my best friends to turn to whenever I need her, but being with her rends my soul apart. Our relationship started as a hookup in my open relationship and lead in to a poly, so even tho we aren't dating anymore, we still sleep in the same bed when im over, we still watch Twin Peaks while cuddling and she keeps teasing me like one would their S/O. Yet she is adamant about also not loving me that way and not feeling any attraction to me anymore. I showed her a picture of me in the dress i bought because I was very happy about looking pretty and her first comment was meh. Which apparently was because the photo was not taken well and not due to me, but of course I'll take it as such initially. She's had to change our plans about seeing each other 3 or 4 times in the past 2 weeks so it feels like she's avoiding me but also doesn't say so when im asking if she's okay and if she wants to see me and she does still keep saying yes. Granted she's also very neurodivergent and has hard time with socializing with people so I know a lot of it is her not understanding tone and social cues. This all on top of the one thing that gives me most body dysphoria: Having been out as a trans woman for a month, and then being broken up on because she's come to terms about being a lesbian. So every time the thought occurs to me that she doesn't love me like the way she initially thought she would, its because she wont see me as a woman, and I'm afraid she never will (which obviously is just an irrational fear). Telling her all this, she said well its the reason we broke up but there were other things she didn't like about me, and she wont tell me what that is and its killing me. We were supposed to meet today but she delayed it to tomorrow, and then delayed our tomorrows meeting to tomorrow evening and not after her work like I initially thought it would have been. Its all just so much, but also I don't think I can be without seeing her for a while because she's the person who I feel like truly understands me. and her calling me by my new name etc gives me gender euphoria like nothing else. In the end, I know I need to move on and just stop thinking about all this because we ain't a thing anymore and just treat her as a friend. But its not easy when she did say its only sexual attraction (and the other things she didn't like which weren't deal breakers if only i knew what they were..) and if with my transition starting at some point she starts feeling those feelings towards me again we could try to start again. I just want to time skip a few years, away from this shitty apartment, away from this part time job, to that happy future I know that awaits me at some point. I just want to be happy again. With her and without her.

[avo-kat]

i was checking my drafts (for the irrational fear that there will be a bug that suddenly releases all your posts in draft; this has no basis on reality, so dont worry), and found this post from march 1st 2023.

its me working out that im definitely not trans:

dont mind me, im just sitting here and thinking out loud

me: oh im just a regular woman. not straight. but otherwise normal. thats all. :) [pre 2020]

me: hm actually. you know what? hmhm. something is up

me: no its fine. its time. i came out as lesbian to my friends! this is great. i love this. time to buy... lgbt merch. [around 2020]

me: what kind tho... hm.... somehow.... u know? normal rainbow stuff is fine, right?

me: hmmmm im not feeling so good actually??? [around 2021]

me: is that... u know what.... i think i may be.... non-binary? i thought this was only smth for kids but looking into it, huh, i guess so!

me: now i can wear more boy clothes. and walk a bit more masc. thats kinda fun. mens tank top. mens shorts. baseball cap. i feel awesome. hairy legs. hairy armpits. hell yeah!

me: but im just nb im not trans thats not being trans

me: i dont wanna intrude or take away or smth im just nb

me: im fine being the way i am no need to do hrt or anything really

me: and honestly, i dont wanna lose my identity as a queer woman!!! i love being a queer woman! well ok not a woman anymore but im still like, sapphic! that kinda thing!!! im deathly afraid of losing this part of my identity!

me: im super fine w my body and im fine staying this way and also being my agab at my job

me: besides im so cute now and id deffo look ugly as a guy

me: i dont even like guys that much so like come on

me: that one guy is giving me such gender envy. thats just 1 exception tho [around 2022]

me: i prefer he/they but im fine with all pronouns :)

me: i like it when ppl use male words for me. just makes me feel good. nothing else :)

me: (i have no dysphoria cuz im nb im not trans)

me: its cool im fine

me: hmmmmmmmmm

me: mhmhm eeeh

me: im not feeling so great again thats so weird....??? [late 2022/early 2023]

me: mhmhmhmhmh

me: oh look im growing facial hair

me: guess ill shave. thats annoying. kinda cool but annoying

me: oh wow i gotta shave more often huh thats so annoying

me: hm hair is growing more... actually... feels nice touching my hairy face kinda

me: oh well i gotta shave for work, so

me: ach. why does that feel unpleasant?

me: oh well. heh, if i were a man (im not tho), some things would be kinda fun!

me: if i were a guy. that would be fun. like. purely hypothetical, yknow?

me: like if i suddenly got the superpower to change my appearance. that would be sooo cool. just cuz.

me: wouldnt that be fun. it would. it would be so fun.

me: not trans tho

me: def not trans. i feel shaky and queasy just thinking of it. im not

me: just nb. im fine. im fine staying like this. like. im. im fine.

me: like sure im not like super comf

me: thats on me deciding not to be more gnc in public. yeah. it would be such a hassle

me: yeah. what if tho lol. can u imagine. god, telling my boss? no way man that wouldnt fly

me: and id be so ugly. im cute right now. and im not strong. or build. and im too fat. if i were to be a man id wanna be, like, hot, yknow? strong and sharp jawline. if i were to be guy. im not. i wouldnt. im not trans lol

me: lemme write this fanfic real quick. just smth self-indulgent. what if i woke up in the body of the main character of this shounen anime lol. id be a boy lol. like. id be a man. mans body lol. that be fun lol. and what if i managed to fall in love with that male character. wed be so gay together. haha. two guys. such a funny idea

me: .....................

me: like what if i got top surgery.

me: like, sure. a year ago i was scared of losing my boobs. like if i had breast cancer and had to remove them. id look so off. my body would look wrong. boobs are an important visual element.

me: but what if i got top surgery. like. i hate bras. i dont like them being touched much either honestly so i wouldnt really lose anything? it would be more comfy for me day to day. and while sleeping. so, honestly, only upsides?

me: ...what would i need, theoretically. hm. half a year of therapy? oh. yeah. no. im not trans. so. yeah.

me: ....................

me: like, what name would i even pick. idk. well doesnt matter. im not trans.

[new addition, july 2023] me: im trans :D

[boy-above]

.

[byronictrash]

so I was thinking about the whole hbo supernatural thing and all I could think was how it would fit in my major spn interpretation which is TRANSFEM SAM WINCHESTER!!!!

• changed her name to samantha for pure praticity

• is a lesbian, so all the romantic part is pretty similar to the canon, monsterfucking and all

• in which dean got a little confused about the distinction of gender ≠ sexuality at first like “wait but why did you become a girl if you like girls?” (he doesn’t know a lot of queer people, give him some time)

• AND SPEAKING OF DEAN! the biggest ally of all times. at first he doesn’t understand lots of stuff that seems obvious to sam (“why are you putting on a suit?” “dean we’re going to a small town, the case will be way harder if everyone is staring at me”), asks indiscrety questions (“can i ask you something?” “it depends” “you wanna chop your dick off?” “NO YOU CANT ASK IT”) but over time he starts to get it more naturally

• despite his numerous hook-ups, dean has never spent so much time in his life in a company of a woman so even the smallest things are extraterrestrial to him (“hey whats that bowl in the microwave?” “depilatory wax” “OH CMON SAMMY I WAS GOING TO HEAT UP MY DINNER THERE”)

• of course, there would be a scene where they met some hunter friend of john who says shit about sam, misgender her etc and dean goes FERAL, fist fighting with the guy and stuff. later sam yells at dean, saying she doesn't need dean to protect her and the argument would escalate to all the times that dean treated her in a condescending way, dean yelling back that dad said it was his job to take care of her and sam yelling even louder that dad would probably dead by now (in this moment all the lamps in their room (and in the street) simply explode, but they ignore. it was probably some short circuit…. right?)

• ok lets talk about john. still the same asshole, still gave a gun to kid who was afraid of the boogeyman, still tried to summon azazel when his son was in comma in 02X01 BUT now he also has a whole series of microaggressions with sam. she’s not stupid, she know the dad she has so doesn’t come out until she’s in stanford, SO john finds out sam is trans in 01X16 when john see sam after two years wearing a skirt and holding a .45 gun. he looks at her up and down and doesn’t say anything however, suddenly stops calling sam sam and starts calling her strictly samuel.

• it got worse after s1 season finale with the whole azazel possessed john > sam had the opportunity of killing azazel/her dad > couldn’t do it > azazel escaped > the winchesters get hit by a truck. when sam questions her father about being worried about the colt while his own son is dying, john explodes with her “you know samuel this is all your fault, once again you couldn’t just man up and pull the fucking trigger, kill the thing, you had to be same old sissy and chicken off, if your brother dies its his blood in your hands”

• aaaaaanyway, lets go back to our girl :D

• her style is kinda a mess. makeup done in a hurry, most of her clothes are mid skirts, hoodies and long dresses but now and then she spends a week wearing baggy jeans and band t-shirts, like dean’s, and no makeup at all. when he asks her “where is the whole angry teen outfit?” sam would simply respond its “because of the praticity, it’s tough to fight with a vampire in a dress lol” dean knows its because sometimes sam’s internalized transphobia ft repression gets loud

• her music taste is mostly grunge, punk and some alt bands she discover in stanford but dean call all of it emo “oh fuck off sammy, i let you drive once and you already put this emo shit” “dean this is literally nirvana, you cant call everything made after the 80’s emo”

• when she came out to bobby his reaction was literally “so now you’re a girl?” “uh… yeah” “gonna change your name or something?” “now is samantha but sam is still fine” “okay, now look this sigil... (and went back to the lore they were searching)”

• sam’s catholicism being more portrained on screen and how the dilemma of being a Christian and queer filled sam with religious guilty

• her paranormal powers also showed up sooner and since the beginning she knew something was wrong. her throat felt sore every time she recited the rituale romanus and holy water made her skin itchy. the older she got, the harder those “symptoms” became and with her denial, desire to be normal combined with religious guilt, it was easier to just convince herself that all this was just god punishing her for living in sin.

• surprisingly, all the demons and angels (and most of the monsters) even being assholes treats sam with the right pronouns

• which make sam and cas fist encounter even more interesting because cas literally turns to dean and go “is this your sister, samantha winchester?” “yeah” “ABOMINATION”’

• samruby second (cause the real first was ruby killing the seven deadly sins and stuff) encounter on the other side was a little more like "why are you following me?” “because youre tall and tall women are sexy as fuck” (then sam’s brain was short circuited for a sec because her height make usually makes her dysphoric)

• between s3-s4, dean still in hell, there would be a scene of one of the first times that sam drank blood to exorcise a demon with her mind. so here they are, demon tied in a chair and trapped in a trap, sam with blood all over her chin and ruby looking at her all heart eyes. Sam tries to do the exorcism but it doesnt work so ruby says sam needs more blood. Sam responds that shes nauseous and if takes any more shes gonna puke (cause you know voluntary vampirism came too natural in canon and that disturbs me) so the demon, who's wearing a cheerleader as a vessel, laughs and says "you know sammy, for real women blood tends to be a natural thing". ruby kills her on the spot.

• speaking of the catholicism (and the blood drinking) again, sam prays every single time before/after drinking demon blood, ruby mocks her for it but she doesnt care. its a weird feeling because even thinking that what shes doing is right, that she needs to get strong to kill lilith, it still feels bad, unholy in some sense.

• of course lucifer tempted her in s5 not only appearing as jess but also saying things like "why samantha, after all, are you willing to sacrifice yourself for a society that treats you like scum, that looks at you like a freak?"

• no need to say that in 05x04 "The End" episode when dean faces lucifer using sam as his vessel, she's wearing an outfit way cooler than that abbey-road-john-lennon-white-suit (to know what i mean search amanda seyfried 2018 met gala look THATS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT!!!!!)

• even after being clean of blood drinking, sam still has some of her paranormal powers. she can't do exorcises with her mind anymore but she can move small objects with telekinesis (she doesn't do it in front of dean cause she knows it would scares the fuck out of him)

i also had a list of some episodes rewritten in this au but this list is already long, guess i'll post later

[kang-yina]

I hate how lgbtq identities, actually i hate how the lesbian identity is always questioned, even by people who call themselves lesbians, we're always thinking: "oh maybe im bi and just faking it", "its not that big of a deal" "maybe one day i will stop thinking that"

It does not work this way... i said lgbtq identities because i also try to doubt about my asexuality even though i am on the completely non-sexualy attracted part of the sprectrum, but this is about lesbians, i have a pretty much worse problem with my lesbian identity and i notice that this is a pattern among lesbians, pretty much all my friends talked about how they might be bi, and its okay to guess right? But we have the same wording: "if i really liked man", "i like to have masculine attention, but only the attention, not the relationship", "i would like men in these circumstances", "sometimes i dont know how to reject men without seem rude and i fell guilty when i really answer them becaue they could be sad with my rejection, even though not rejecting them makes ME feel sad"

We're always trying to make our way to treat men well, almost like just being a lesbian was bad for their existence. About me, i really feel those things but also when i see people invalidating lesbians like "oh yes i made a lesbian like me", like this is not how it works dude, this person was not a lesbian lmao, but i feel bad, and afraid that maybe if i start not identificating with my label anymore. People would say that, BUT I ALSO DONT FEEL LIKE THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN LMAO, i really have a problem about wanting to change myself, hetcomp sometimes even tho i dont feel nothing i wish i did, to feel "normal", and i really think a lot about wanting to control what i feel, and this would make me fall for men and not women or some other bullshit that goes in my brain. I am 100% sure that i am a lesbian because i know since i was 13 that i was in love, completely in love, with a girl, it was one sided but i dated another girl after that, i was not *in love* how i was with that first girl and even though it was SO GOOD, also i dated a non-binary person and it was again, SO GOOD. I fucking love women, and thats also how my lack of acceptance with my asexuality comes into play, i dislike talking about sex and stuff but i am not sex-repulsed, so i would do that in a relationship, but also would not if i was with someone who dont want that - the thing is that i only dated allo people lmao. And i am still in love with my other ex (a girl), this was a long relationship, also i could like any women and non-binary person that gives me the chance to, or that dont even give me 😹😹😹. The idea of dating and liking a men gives me disgust, to be fucking honest.

But i still try to "prove myself", and i dont know any lesbian who doesn't tries to prove themselves like that. We (I) also feel a sense of displacement in any social group, sometimes even in lgbtq groups that have no other lesbian, which is super common. But i think "normal" environments like school/college are worse, mostly if the people there know i am queer (because i talk about it with my friend group), i am always having the mindset that the girls think i am weird and is going to do something with them, and the boys find me disgusting.

I think the worst part about this text is that i did exactly what i was complaining about, i typed a lot of extra things to try to prove myself as a lesbian, and i know that my other lesbian friends would do the same, which is like so sad???? I know who i am, i just have internalized homophobia lmao, and all of them have it too. Actually any lgbtq person has internalized lgbtqphobia but this is another topic.