#is because the majority of the time SSRIs work

[killjoygem]

Just saw some people on here talking about "anti-psych" and while it's perfectly valid to criticise certain psychiatric institutions or individual practitioners, the way some of these people were talking makes me think they just don't really understand psych

[walkawaytall]

I really wish there was more interest in how to handle ADHD other than just addressing the symptoms that affect the people around us.

Like, the best pharmaceutical treatment we have right now is stimulants, and I agree that being on stimulants 24 hours a day, 365 days a year is probably not good for your body. Hell, I’m on a less-than-ideal dose of my medication from a concentration perspective because the ideal dose had my resting heart rate sitting at a cool 115BPM. I know taking med holidays is important. I know all of this.

But because ADHD isn’t just an attention problem (or may not actually be an attention problem at all at its core), it sucks that the only time period medical professionals seem to be concerned about treating are the “important” times: the length of a school or workday. Forget the fact that ADHD affects executive function, forget the fact that people with ADHD often experience chronic and unending anxiety and/or depression as a result of the ADHD, forget that there are important times that have nothing to do with an 8-hour school or work day, forget the rejection sensitivity dysphoria, the sensory issues that make things like clothing, food, and group situations a nightmare to try to navigate, the household stuff that has to be taken care of outside of the 8-hour school or work day. It feels like none of that matters because it doesn’t affect a group of fifteen or more people.

On top of ADHD, I have been plagued with anxiety-related issues for the majority of my life. I likely have a form of OCD and I have a history with a restrictive eating disorder; both of those conditions are very closely associated with high levels of anxiety. I’ve been on anxiety medications before. I was first given an as-needed medication that took the edge off but also made everything feel a little fuzzy, like there was a pane of glass between me and the rest of the world; I was put on an SSRI that somehow made my OCD-related intrusive thoughts about 50x worse than usual and had me wondering at one point if I should be hospitalized; and I’m currently on buspirone, which is doing what it’s supposed to do without the side effects of the others thankfully. But nothing, and I mean nothing, has reduced my anxiety as much as my ADHD medication.

Two hours after my first stimulant dosage, I just suddenly didn’t feel on-edge any more. I estimate that being on ADHD medication has reduced my anxiety by about 70% (buspirone’s for the other 30%). I started taking it in the summer of 2020 and I remember, in 2021, when I saw my boss in person for the first time since lockdown, he remarked on how much more confident I seemed, how I was more likely to speak up in meetings, etc. And I was like…yeah, man, it’s a wonder what not feeling anxious every second of every day will do for someone.

ADHD affects so much more of my life than just attention and anxiety, too. I have sensory issues with mine, which is pretty common, and they make eating — an already sometimes-complicated task due to the ED history — difficult at times because, while I can eat foods that I don’t particularly like, if something is what I call “the bad texture”, I will gag no matter how hard I work to overcome it (believe me, I’ve tried). And my brain sometimes decides that foods that were previously fine are now “the bad texture” and they may or may not shift back to being okay eventually; I don’t know.

The sensory issues affect me socially. My therapist and I have recently come to the conclusion that I’m probably not actually an introvert, but if I’m around larger groups, that means noise and movement and probably being touched, and too much of that causes my brain to either freak out or shut down. I used to always say, “I love people, but when I’m done, I’m done.” And that was likely because the overstimulation was building and building in the background, and at a certain point, my brain would just be like, “We gotta get outta here.” I was Queen of Irish Goodbyes for a very long time because of this.

And the executive dysfunction affects…well..everything? Not just work, not just school (but also those because if my environment is chaotic, my brain feels chaotic, and it is difficult to maintain a non-chaotic environment if you keep getting stuck on order of operations when picking up a room).

I’m not saying that I want to be on longer-lasting stimulants or that I want to be on the higher dose that I know helps my concentration more, cardiovascular system by damned. What I’m saying is, I wish treatment research had been more holistic rather than just figuring out what would give teachers and managers an easier time despite what the person with ADHD might be dealing with as soon as their meds wear off.

Maybe current research is working on it; I don’t know. I just know that, the older I get, the more frustrated I am with my brain and the more apparent the deficiencies I used to be able to counteract with pre-chronic-illness energy and crushing perfectionism become, and I wish there was an answer to this that actually helped me most of the time rather than forcing me to pick which parts of my day/week is “important” and making sure I’m medicated for those parts.

[audreycritter]

time for my pet PSA again:

if you or a loved one or friend are on an SSRI, please be aware that SSRIs inhibit activity of a liver enzyme that metabolizes some opioids. if you have surgery or an injury/emergency and your pain meds are not working, let your doctor know you might need a different class of pain meds. this info is from a major nine-year study and many doctors STILL don't know to flag contraindications for SSRIs in patient charts.

if you or a loved one are an addict, please be aware that SSRIs increase the risk of opioid overdose because of the uptick in dosage to achieve a high. (if nothing else, make sure you carry narcan in some form for emergencies. goodrx has information on where to get it for free or reduced cost in the united states, or you can search "free narcan" and your state or county in your favorite search engine. this is also useful for anyone who may have an opioid rx for pain management, in case of accidental overdose in the home.)

the study mentioned in the NPR article is here.

[roguetelepaths]

"depression is ALWAYS a PHYSICAL PROBLEM IN THE BRAIN and if you had bad side effects from SSRIs it just means you were on the wrong one" okay how about you eat my entire ass lol

Every single SSRI I've ever tried has either done nothing for me, made me dangerously unstable, or turned me into a literal zombie. Every. Single. Fucking. One. They are not a class of medication that works well for me. Neither are any of the other psychiatric medications I've been put on. Because the vast majority of my specific problems stem from the long-term effects of continuous trauma and poverty, and there isn't yet a chemical that can give me a non-abusive childhood and a thriving wage.

(5-HTP— serotonin's chemical precursor— works much better for me, which leads me to believe that if there is a structural neurochemical thing going on with me, it's that my brain isn't making enough of the good shit in the first place, not that it's sucking it back up too fast. Which kind of makes sense to me as an adaptation of a brain that's been in survival mode since birth, but I'm not a neuroscientist, I'm just some dirtbag with a blog.)

Do I think that SSRIs do that to everyone? No. Emphatically, absolutely not. I know several people including my partner who I love dearly for whom they're life-saving. I can't feel anything on Prozac, but my partner can't feel anything without it. Brains are weird and they work differently from one another and scientific models of neuropsychology aren't nearly as universal as they pretend to be.

People with bad psychiatric experiences need to be listened to and welcomed as part of the greater community of psychiatrically disabled people. We DO NOT need comic sans powerpoints telling us to try different medications and saying shit like "u made the meds sad by spreading misinfo :(". If someone is saying their bad psychiatric experiences are universal, then yeah, absolutely call that shit out. But like, your GOOD experiences aren't any more universal. Informed consent requires both perspectives.

In conclusion maybe don't take medical advice from fucking comic sans powerpoints. I mean, don't take it from me either. I'm just some asshole on the internet, as we've established. But I'm also not out here trying to GIVE medical advice. There's a world of fucking difference between "here's what these drugs do to me every time I try to take them" and "well you just need to keep trying new drugs, sweaty :)"

[crippleprophet]

hi, i was wondering if you had any resources on antidepressants, in general or from an antipsych perspective? i’m starting on medication soon and i’m hoping to get informed. no rush/feel free to delete, and thank you! <3

yeah absolutely!! there are obviously tons of differing perspectives in antipsych conversations, so a bit of background on mine:

i’m not unilaterally anti-medication (even ones with significant risks such as antipsychotics); i’m pro-informed consent.

assuming physically disabling side effects should be an automatic deterrent from psychotropic medications has a multitude of ableist pitfalls - for example, as someone who’s started experiencing involuntary movements that are probably dystonia due to chronic illness, if anyone said antipsychotics shouldn’t be prescribed because of the possibility of dystonia, i’d let them get within smacking range.

rather, people should not be pressured to start certain medications (including to receive housing, employment, financial support, accommodations, other medical treatment, social support, etc etc), should be given thorough information about other options, and should be given an accurate description of risks.

i’m on an antidepressant myself (duloxetine - generic of cymbalta) for mood and nerve pain, which has helped me significantly, although neither of those experiences are fully managed by it and i know plenty of people whom it hasn’t helped at all.

the number one thing to know is that the serotonin model of depression is total bullshit, and this has been widely known and accepted by the majority of scientists for a long time. there is “no consistent evidence of there being an association between serotonin and depression, and no support for the hypothesis that depression is caused by lowered serotonin activity or concentrations” (source).

if a doctor tells you this antidepressant will improve your mood by inhibiting serotonin reuptake, they are lying to you, probably knowingly. SSRIs inhibit serotonin reuptake, and they improve some people’s moods, but there is no evidence that this is a cause-effect relationship. basically, sometimes they work, but we don’t know why they work - or why they don’t act as intended on other people.

Mad in America has a wealth of resources in terms of scientific research and community experience - a good starting place is this drug info page on antidepressants in adults. they also have pages about antipsychotics, antidepressants in children, withdrawal, and much more.

my anti-psychiatry tag focuses mostly on the social construction of diagnostic labels and deinstitutionalization; this excerpt about selfhood is an excellent unpacking of how society frames antidepressant use.

you’d probably notice me reblogging from these folks a lot anyway lol but some of my favorite tumblrs who post a lot of antipsych content are @librarycards @bioethicists @bananapeppers @noncompliance @illnessfaker @psychiatricsurvivorpositivity @fuckpsychiatry

[leslie-lyman]

A little life/writing update:

Finally tested negative for COVID over the weekend and am at last feeling “normal” again. I’m not 100% out of the time window yet when a rebound infection could make itself known, but I figure as long as it doesn’t happen in the next 48 hours I’m out of the woods.

And then I can actually start trying out my SSRI and then maybe my spoons will finally return from war. I swear I’m gonna write all the things I wanna write, no matter how long it takes to assemble the energy and motivation to do so.

Starting with part 2 of Congressman Marcus. I had plans to finish this up and get it out several weeks ago, but that was right before COVID ran me over like a freight train. I’m now 1900 words into it and so should be able to get it out THIS week.

The first bit of this installment is under the cut to hopefully tide y’all over:

“Alright, who is she?”

Marcus flinches, startled at the sound of Linda’s voice. He turns towards the door of his office where his chief of staff is standing, one hip resting against the door jam.

“What are you talking about?”

Linda shakes her head, wild black curls swishing back and forth over her shoulders.

“Don’t play dumb, Marcus. It doesn’t suit you. You’ve been moping around the office for three weeks, staring off into the middle distance, and I’m pretty sure it’s not because you’re daydreaming about the defense budget or campaign finance reform. So who is she?”

Linda is astonishingly good at reading people. It’s part of what makes her such an effective chief. But Marcus is also astonishingly easy to read, and Linda knows about his history with women better than most.

It’s especially embarrassing that he can’t actually answer her question. And the shame at being caught out makes him raise his hackles in defense.

“You know, just because I may have been a little quiet lately doesn’t mean it’s automatically about a woman,” he huffs. “Not everything with me is always about a woman. I’m capable of caring deeply about lots of things. Maybe I’ve been mulling over what I wanna say at the NASA hearing this week. Or wondering whether Jackie Evers is gonna agree to co-lead our economic development bill. Or wrestling with the fact that San Antonio remains the most impoverished major city in the nation.”

“Marcus…”

“Three hundred and fifty thousand people below the poverty line, Linda,” he continues, working himself up. “And what are we doing to make it better? Children going hungry, undocumented families scared for their lives, lead pipes in the walls and guns on the streets, money for fighter jets but none for child care, and you think just because I’ve been a little moody lately that it’s about a woman? You’re really gonna just walk into my office and assume that any change in my mood has to be about a woman?”

Linda waits until he’s gotten it all out of his system, watching him rise from his seat and gesture more and more broadly with his hands the more indignant he becomes. When he finally stops, breathing like he’s just run a hundred-meter dash, she simply raises one eyebrow and says:

“So what is it about, then?”

Marcus meets her stare with his own for a few seconds, then deflates entirely, flopping back into his chair.

“It’s about a woman.”

[arcanemoody]

The insomnia's back.

I don't know how to explain this to anyone who doesn't live with major depressive disorder and, thus, doesn't experience the cyclical nature of triggers and coping mechanisms. But, in my experience, the latter are pretty well-matched to the former. They arrive in the same dual packaging.

My father was an amateur videographer. He named his in-home production house "All Night Long Productions." The nature of his day job at the brewery locked him into swing-shifts and, subsequently, shift-work disorder. His circadian rhythms didn't cycle the way other peoples' did and he made up for the time he lost by filling it with sound mixing and video editing.

I was fifteen when my own sleep patterns skidded off the rails. There are many reasons. I was stressed all the time, resentful of the time school took away from my hyper-fixations, passions, and projects. My childhood best friend had taken up with the local molester and I felt bereft and horrified but, mostly, just lonely. My inability to keep my mouth shut about ugly truths lost me a compatriot. It wouldn't be the last time.

Communication is so ugly to me when it's not direct. The behavioral economics people weave into their interactions, where every word is carefully chosen to produce a desired outcome. It's a manipulation, an abuse -- in that all efforts to change someone else's perception of reality against their will are abusive. And so common in white, middle-class, female-led spaces, many of which take a page from MLM girlboss authoritarianism while LARPing as service-related non-profits. Which, alas, is a space I currently work in...

So yeah. I'm stressed. Bereft. Less lonely than I was 20+ years ago, because I have Rocket and my community and my projects. I also have a therapist and SSRIs which would ideally help me NOT have insomnia but, yeah. Dual packaging.

[shoesofthefishermanswife]

In med school and also preparing for my exam. I have to learn a whole course about antidepressants so here it goes I guess !

Hi! I'm sure that the majority of this will be pretty basic review but let's talk about it!

The first generation of antidepressants were monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs). They were originally invented to treat tuberculosis but in 1953 Iproniazid was developed and patients taking it showed improvements in their depression symptoms. As their name suggests, they function by inhibiting the breakdown of monoamine neurotransmitters (serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, ect) by the enzyme monoamine oxidase, and this leaves more neurotransmitters available for synapse. The problem with this method is that there are monoamines in our food. Patients taking MAOIs have to be careful eating foods that contain lots of tyramine because it can't be broken down. High levels of tyramine can cause sudden increases in blood pressure and even cerebral hemorrhage! Understandably, MAOIs aren't prescribed very often anymore.

The next generation of antidepressants, known as tricyclic antidepressants, was developed in the late 50s. These work by inhibiting both serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake. They are also antagonists for postsynaptic adrenergic α1 and α2 receptors, muscarinic receptors, and histamine H1 receptors. Reuptake inhibition is the mechanism found in a lot of our current antidepressants, but they're a little bit more focused.

In the late 80s, Fluoxetine was finally approved by the FDA and SSRIs continue to dominate the antidepressant landscape. SSRI stands for Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, and they do what their name suggests, inhibiting the serotonin transporter (SERT) at the presynaptic axon terminal. This leaves more serotonin (5-HT) available for synapse. Additionally, SSRIs target the 5-HT1A autoreceptors. This seems counter productive at first, because the autoreceptor activation slows 5-HT production and release. But over time, this builds autoreceptor tolerance. Generally, autoreceptors can shut off signaling when there's too much and is a main contributor to building drug tolerance. But since the autoreceptor is now being activated, that shut off function loses efficacy and the extra 5-HT in the synapse from SERT inhibition doesn't cause tolerance to be built up (as much). This is why it takes SSRIs weeks to kick in because the two processes do cancel each other out until the autoreceptors have gotten tolerant. There is variety within SSRIs. Fluoxetine (Prozac) has a half life much longer than Sertraline (Zoloft) and takes longer to get peak plasma concentration.

Serotonin-Noradrenaline reuptake inhibitors work very similarly, they just also inhibit norepinephrine reuptake. (Say what you will about anti-depressants, at least they're named straightforwardly lol). Some patients respond better to SSRIs, some respond better to SNRIs. Unfortunately, a lot of patients don't respond well to either and they can come with difficult side effects.

Moving on from depression, let's talk a little about anxiety and anxiolytics. One of the key brain changes in general anxiety is reduced PFC inhibitory control, associated with reduced GABA(A) receptors. This is coupled with amygdala overactivity. Benzodiazepines help regulate anxiety by increasing GABA control. They do so without nearly as many side effects as the previous barbiturates, and took off in the 1960s. But because they act on GABA, mixing benzodiazepines with alchohol (also acts on GABA) creates lots of abuse potential (think of the Valium + martini housewife). The positive side to this is that benzodiazepines can be used to help someone with alcohol withdrawal, which is otherwise very dangerous. Second generation anxiolytics are partial agonists for 5-HT1A receptors. Moving away from GABA reduces the abuse potential, but also makea the drugs less effective. Generally, SSRIs are prescribed for anxiety before other classes of drugs.

Hope that was a good basic review!

[altruisticenigma]

My doctor two appointments ago hinted I possibly could have ADHD. At my most recent appointment, she suspected strongly that I have ADHD. Now I've been thinking about it nonstop, thinking back to what I thought was innocent/small details that were probably symptoms all along, and it's been on my mind ever since.

I'm 27, and what the fuck- I might have ADHD on top of the host of other mental illnesses I have???

Warning, this is a long one- but as a 27 year old coming to terms with a possible new mental illness I think that's more than acceptable, lol. TW: Mentions of CPTSD/PTSD, depression, anxiety, ADHD and all related symptoms, and mentions of medication.

This began because I needed to be put back on some sort of medication. I was suffering from pretty bad anxiety; it was difficult to function because I would worry constantly about everything big and small. I have CPTSD/PTSD and it was getting in the way of life- I catastrophize & have hypervigilance; I cope by trying to control situations best I can. It's hard to let go of control. What got me in the office was that for the last 6 months, it's been extremely difficult to get out of bed and go to work. It was like I was hitting this invisible wall and I didn't know why. Nearly ever week I'd call out because I felt overwhelmed.

Wellbutrin helped subside a lot of the emotional aspects. A majority of my panic & fear subsided, but some symptoms still lingered. For one, a way that I coped with my anxiety was to constantly assign myself daily tasks: if I could get something done I'd feel better from the serotonin it fed me. I also felt restless if I wasn't doing something productive. I still couldn't sit down and relax; something that other people could do that I couldn't and I didn't know why. The other was that I still had bouts of insomnia; every few weeks like clockwork I'd wake up around 1-3 AM and it'd be hard to go back to sleep. Just last night I woke up at 3AM, hypervigilant as Hell out of nowhere. Most nights I am just very hungry and sit up for a bit before going back to sleep.

While I was mostly more functional and could now go to work with little to no problem, I still was having issues with being calm.

We tried putting me back on Lexapro. Historically it had worked. Instead it made my anxiety worse; it felt like I was back to square 1. Wellbutrin was the only thing that worked, which is a mood stabilizer. At this point I had gone through 3-5 SSRIs/SNRIs and they weren't helping, only the mood stabilizer.

I explained how my anxiety manifests to my PCP. I have the restlessness/need for control through tasks, as well as insomnia, but also the hypervigilance as well as the catastrophizing. I explained to her that I always thought that my fiancé was going to die behind the wheel no matter what they were doing in the car- every single time. I explained that when doing my job, I always anticipated someone yelling at me. These fears had subsided significantly with Wellbutrin, but they were still there nonetheless lingering in the background.

So my main issues were the hypervigilance & catastrophizing, feeling restless/needing control and the issues with sleep.

It was then she made a observation: it was possible I may have ADHD and the things I was doing were a unconscious coping mechanism. For one, I kept failing SSRI/SNRIs. Although it's a given I have a genetic disposition to bipolar in my gene pool (hence why they keep failing), I don't present any active symptoms at the time. According to her they should work to a degree, not adversely. Second, I have a strong genetic disposition to ADHD: we strongly suspect my mom has it, she just isn't formally diagnosed, but my brother is definitely diagnosed and has struggled with it most his life.

Her primary observation was the third: my restless symptoms are presenting as more of the "HD" problem in ADHD: too much energy with nowhere to go. I overwork myself by assigning tasks and overachieving to cope with the energy I have on hand. By doing extra tasks and chores, on one hand it may be a "need for control" aspect but the other may be restlessness I am trying to cope with. She noted that I have the "focus" part down- I'm very organized and able to stay on task, but I struggle with the energy. She noted that with "feminized" brains (lol, I laughed a bit inside when she said this- I'm non-binary but I get what she was saying) it tends to get misdiagnosed or overlooked due to anxiety: girls tend to present very differently than boys with ADHD. TL;DR she was saying sexism was why girls were disproportionally diagnosed to boys, especially at a young age.

This absolutely blew my mind, as you could see.

Ever since I was young I had no problems in school. Overachiever, good grades, laser-beam focused in school. Homework was not a problem. I liked routine, and I liked sticking to it. While my brother really struggled with remembering tasks and keeping to a schedule, I excelled in it.

When I developed PTSD in college I did begin to struggle a lot with focus. It would come and go because my brain was so chaotic; there was constant chatter in there. During the early stages of PTSD I would completely lose focus if I was really stressed out and needed accommodations in school. PTSD made me feel like my brain had been scrambled and I could no longer control it. Despite this I recall in college I had no problem focusing on assignments for hours: I once had a lab to do and I didn't take a break for 4 hours. I used to commend myself on my strong work ethic; this was normal for me from middle school and beyond... But now looking back with a fresh perspective, I realize this could have been ADHD working strangely in my favor.

I have also been organized to a insane degree my entire life, too. Increasingly more in high school, college and beyond. Nowadays I try to remember to do menial tasks by writing in a planner: they may seem unimportant to someone else, but to my brain it's imperative I remember and put it somewhere else on paper so I don't keep dwelling on it/needing to repeat the thought so I remember it, or have it float in my brain. I consider my home tasks so much more important than my work tasks; why, I don't know.

I've also been noticing minor but important details that could've alluded to ADHD but were overshadowed by more pressing mental health issues such as my depression, anxiety and CPTSD/PTSD. With Wellbutrin in my system it's been getting fairly easy to notice small details that I would've waved off in the past, but now with this new perspective and medication are very significant:

I never noticed how chaotic and disorganized my mind-chatter was until I was on Wellbutrin. The moment I started taking Wellbutrin my mind became very calm and quiet, so quiet it surprised me. I also never noticed how slightly incoherent, disorganized and rapid my speech was until I was on Wellbutrin, either. While on this medication, I have found I can form much more organized thoughts and speak slower and clearer. Whether that's panic or ADHD, I have no clue.

At least once a day I will be in the middle of saying/doing something and completely forget what I'm doing. I try to retrace my steps or my conversation to remember, only to have it gone entirely. It'll come back eventually, I just can't get it back in the moment.

According to my fiance, I tend to go down "rabbit holes" in the middle of our conversations (I haven't noticed this at all). I'll be on one topic, divulge into another possibly related topic and come back to where we were. I never thought it was important as at least I come back to the topic on hand. Sometimes I have caught myself completely forgetting what I was talking about.

The whole reason I started Wellbutrin is because I realized that I couldn't "bootstraps" my way out of whatever was happening to me: I realized I had a hard time getting out of bed for work. I attributed it to depression. While Wellbutrin significantly helps with this, in the past week or so I've been hitting this wall again where I don't want to go into work. It's like the task itself is difficult. I see it as a big, huge task that I don't want to bother with, even though realistically I realize that what I do for a living isn't the most difficult job. I thought it was depression, but it might be executive dysfunction.

I have hyperfixations: I will hyperfixate on something that I absolutely get lost in the sauce about for a month or two, and once I drop it I get sad/absolutely bored out of my mind until I find something new. I remember thinking during hyperfixations that I hope that I don't lose this passion because I don't want to be without this feeling of absolute pure joy and passion. Right now I'm very into FFXIV and building my character and their world.

I deleted social media like TikTok, YouTube and other streaming platforms off of my phone because I will scroll for hours and get stuck. I can't move. It's like I'm hypnotized and focused hard on whatever I'm watching. TikTok I deleted mostly because it made me Severely Mentally Ill, but also because I found myself stuck on it for 2-3 hours at a time and unable to take a break. I ended up doing the same thing on YouTube shorts, so I also had to delete that, too.

I vocally stim. A lot. Especially at home where it's safe and only when I feel safe/happy. But I just attribute that to being neurodivergent in general, lol.

I never thought I could've had ADHD because unfortunately I always had the stereotypical picture of ADHD in my head: someone who couldn't focus at all, who struggled with time-management, and someone who got distracted easily. A lot of the focus-related issues. That's what my brother struggled with, so I didn't think twice about me having it. My best friend also had similar symptoms so I had no clue it could present differently among people. As someone who never had struggled with focus, or at least to what I could've noticed consciously, I didn't conceive that I could have ADHD: I thought it was just about struggling with being attentive. Never did I realize I could have a restless/energy issue but be fine in the focus category.

The only way to know for certain what's going on is to see a neuropsychiatrist, which my doctor referred me to. As ADHD is very closely related to all of my already-diagnosed illnesses I know that it is possible it could be just PTSD scrambling my brain or anxiety making things difficult again. It has just been super heavy on my mind how this could be possibly ADHD and I had NO idea, nor did I ever suspect myself of possibly having ADHD once in my life.

Just goes to show you mental health is a fucking doozy of a thing.

[northern-spies]

My current therapist is a significantly better fit that my previous therapists. In order they've been:

CBT. Vaguely helpful but only saw 3 times because student health center, did help me find the words to go no contact with my father (2011)

Psychodynamic. Some progress but also terrible inconsistency, in retrospect went places I was not ready to go, absolutely fumbled the Major Work Crisis (2016-2018)

Existential/humanistic. Three years of quality therapy, finally got me to remission on panic disorder and CPTSD, helped me leave my toxic job, encouraged me to take what turned out to be a much needed SSRI. Only quit seeing her because I needed to get into queer stuff and she was out of her depth there (2019-2021)

CBT/ACT. My first foray into having a fellow Millennial as a therapist. Professional, but wanted to tell me what to do. Advertised as experienced with queer identities and polyamory but too CBT for me (2022)

Humanistic/person-centered. Second Millenial therapist. Queer, neurodivergent, gets my lived experiences better than most. Good communication, first therapist since 1 not to ask me for help with another client's problems relating to my Big Work Crisis (2023-?)

I think I may be getting to a point where I don't need regular mental health support. But if I ever need a new one therapist, I'm fairly confident I'm going with a humanistic therapist because true to the name of the approach, my humanistic therapists have best treated me like a real person with agency.

[melicorn]

Content warning for discussion about depression, suicidality, mental illness, disability, therapy, treatment, hospitals, and the American healthcare system.

I don’t know a lot about John Fetterman; he seems like a decent guy though and I hope his treatment goes well. When I first saw the headline that he was checking himself into the hospital for depression, I thought, “well, good, I hope this starts many conversations about hospitalization for mental health treatment.”

I have already been thinking about hospitalization a lot lately. I turn 40 soon, which means it’s also the 10 year anniversary of my most recent mental hospitalization, following what had been my fourth or fifth suicide attempt. That stay got me on medication I still rely on today, and the follow-up outpatient care eventually led to the ADHD diagnosis which explained why my depression had been so resistant to treatment for such a long time. (Like I said, before age 30, I had four or five suicide attempts, over fifteen years in and out of therapy with at least half a dozen practitioners by that point, including a previous hospitalization, and tried more SSRIs and supplemental medications than I can remember.) Turns out all the serotonin in the world can’t make a difference if you don’t have dopamine.

One of the things my therapists would often ‘congratulate’ me on was my very clear and precise self-awareness regarding my mental illness. But that level of introspection meant over the years I grew increasingly frustrated and isolated by others’ inability to understand or empathize with my struggles. Even when I had complete lucidity over my mental state and could communicate it in a descriptive and accurate manner, there was no way the other person could actually *know* what it really *felt* like. Excepting, of course, some of the other patients who were in my unit at the hospital. In the year or two following my second hospitalization, I came to realize that the major barrier to neurotypical people understanding people with mental illness disorders and other neurodivergent diagnoses is that, unlike physical ailments, there really is no temporary mental illness. Of course some people experience trauma, grief, or deep sadness that require a short period of medical intervention, but the type of conditions that lead to multiple crises and hospitalizations are always lifelong. I do not pretend that passing physical maladies are truly comparable to permanent physical disabilities, but the fact that almost all people will have an injury or illness at some point that will at least partially debilitate them before recovery gives them at least a starting point to imagine what a permanent disability would be like. I do think this is part of the reason why society has been much better about creating standards for accessibility and accommodation regarding physical status as compared to mental status (although of course they are still woefully lacking in both areas).

After this realization, I had an idea for a comic I wanted to do about my experience with mental illness, and more specifically treatment for mental illness, especially in regards to how it works in the United States. I think I even talked about the general outline of it with one of my therapists, but of course, it never came to any kind of fruition because of ADHD and extreme executive dysfunction. (I mean, that’s why I gave up comics and any kind of art as a career all together, after all.) So here is the script I have carried around in my head for some nine or ten years, a bit of solace for whenever someone (including myself) asks me why I can’t just do a certain thing, or why I take so long to do something, or just in general why I am how I am.

Imagine you are walking along one day, and suddenly both of your legs break. Now, this isn’t the first time you’ve broken a leg, in fact, it seems to happen with some frequency, but rarely simultaneously, and this time they are really bad; all kinds of messed up angles that shouldn’t be there.

“Hey! Help!” You cry out, “I really need someone to help me!”

A few people pass by not noticing or pretending to not notice, but eventually someone stops and says, “oh wow, that looks really bad!”

“Yeah, I know” you reply, “can you help?”

“Oh sure, there’s a hospital just a block that way. If you get up and walk over there I’m sure they can fix you right up!”

“Uhh, what. Are you joking?”

“No, it’s just right there, see? It’s a really short walk!”

“Both my legs are extremely broken. I’m quite sure I cannot walk at all.”

“Have you even tried though? Look, I walk all the time, it’s quite easy, just put one foot in front of the other. Watch how I do it and I’m sure you can too!” And you watch them easily walk away as you are lying on the ground.

You start dragging yourself in the direction of the hospital using your hands and arms, continuing to ask for help from those walking past you. One person suggests that if your leg doesn’t work, you could just hop on the other leg. You explain, no, both of your legs are broken, you don’t have another leg to use. They look at you with a puzzled expression and say, “well that just doesn’t make any sense” while shaking their head and then going on about their business.

The last person you ask for help says, “oh, of course, let me carry you the rest of the way” and you let out a huge sigh of relief.

They continue, “just stand up so I can pick you up and piggyback you over there.”

“Umm, is it not clear that is entirely impossible for me?”

“Ugh, just standing?” They scoff, “how can I be expected to help you when you aren’t willing to help yourself even a little bit?”

“I mean, I already dragged myself over fifty yards of pavement, I think that’s pretty good.”

“That’s ridiculous, everyone can stand, even toddlers can stand for a little bit. All I’m asking you to do is stand for a few seconds so it’s easier for me to pick you up.”

You look down at your legs, each curved in a different spiraling shape, now fairly bloody from being dragged down the street. “And I am telling you I definitely cannot do that” you respond as they walk away.

Eventually you do manage to drag yourself through the hospital doors, your arms bruised and scraped, looking almost as bad as your legs. Fortunately the medical staff gets to you and takes you in for surgery right away. Well, not quite right away, as you’re hard to see on the floor, and perhaps one or two of the orderlies accidentally trampled you or ran a gurney over you, but none of that matters because now you’re in the hands of professionals and they are going to fix you!

The first thing they do, of course, is take you in for x-rays after asking you a few questions. They wheel you in to meet the doctor, and you think, “ah great, we’ll have the surgery to set the bones and then in a few weeks or months I’ll be good as new!” The doctor then explains that no, that is not going to be what’s happening, as you can clearly see in your x-rays, you don’t actually have any bones in your legs, just a bunch of toothpicks held together with scotch tape.

On your floor of the hospital, you meet other patients with toothpicks and scotch tape in their legs, some with twigs held together with twine, some that have plastic forks and hot glue, and even a few that were somehow getting by with crazy straws and silly string. Most of them are like you and never had bones in their legs to begin with, but there are a few that had their bones stolen by someone, or lost them in a horrible accident. You also see a few patients that do have real bones in their legs, but they also grew spring-loaded hammers attached to their toes that whack them in the shins every time they try to take a step.

Well, the toothpicks and scotch tape definitely explain why your legs seem to break so easily and frequently, but is there any way you can get real bones for your legs?

“Oh no,” the doctor explains, “your body can’t grow bones in your legs, and it would reject any bones we transplant into your legs, plus you would have no idea how to walk with them.”

“Well, I would argue I can barely walk as it is,” you respond, “but I guess I see your point.”

So you and the doctor discuss options and plans for treatment. Perhaps you can start by upgrading to bamboo skewers and duct tape, there’s a lot of new and exciting research coming out about the use of wooden dowels, and maybe once you’ve been in outpatient treatment for a while you can find a carpenter who can carve you custom support with hinges that are actually screwed in.

(And since this all happened before the Affordable Care Act was passed into law, and since even after it was passed it didn’t provide anywhere near the help that is needed.) “This all sounds good, but I just don’t know how I’ll be able to afford it. I’ve had a hard time staying employed, since my legs break every few months and jobs almost always require some amount of standing and walking.”

The hospital staff reassures you, “don’t worry, there’s a program for people without leg bones to help pay for their treatments, just go to this building when you check out.”

And so after about a week you do check out of the hospital, legs in full casts up to your hips to protect your new, but fragile, sticks inside. You’re able to hobble around surprisingly well using crutches, so you make your way to the address you were given.

When you get there, you find a building surrounded by a 10-foot tall stone wall and a 5-foot wide moat. You circle the whole building, but there are definitely no doors, bridges, or even windows within reach. You do find someone who seems to look official and in charge though.

“Excuse me,” you ask, “is this the place for people without bones in their legs? How am I supposed to enter?”

“Yes, this is it. You’ll just need to pole-vault over the moat and wall.”

“Umm, I think there’s been some mistake. I’m just recovering from both my legs breaking, as are most of the other people seeking your services, I believe. Are you able to provide any kind of assistance for me?”

“Oh, there’s no mistake. You grab onto the pole with your hands, so it’s totally fine for your to do. And we can loan you a pole if you need, you’ll just need to do 10 jumping jacks and a short hopscotch run.”

You roll your eyes thinking, how on earth does anyone ever get through this? As you look around, you see more people with fresh casts on their legs, or old bandages, or some with a leg still broken. You see a lot of them run a few steps with the pole only to have a leg give out from under them and they fall again. Many of them do just give up and crawl away at that point. Some people look like they have family members that are trying to push them over, or do the pole-vaulting themselves while carrying the injured person. A few have even hired a catapult to fling them over, but that seems to cost more than any financial assistance you could get. Eventually you decide to tunnel your way under. It’s slow and laborious, but it seems the least risky, and you really don’t want to break a leg again.

When you finally get through, you do start getting regular checks on how your legs are doing. You learn how to spot splinters so you can plus some glue on them before they turn into full fractures. And importantly you start working with a trainer to build up the strength of your leg muscles, and learn how to walk more delicately so that the sticks in your legs don’t get so much damage from impact. It’s a slow walk, but you’re staying upright, and it feels like something you can maintain for while.

As you start getting back out in the world more, you do notice that everyone walks much faster than you. Most of the time it doesn’t bother you that much, but sometimes you’re walking somewhere with family, friends, or coworkers, and they’re just getting really impatient with how slow you are. Some times you take the time to explain about how you don’t have bones in your legs, and if you walk any faster you risk one or both of your legs breaking again. And they will make a sad face and say that they will wait for you to catch up, but no one ever slows down to match your pace for more than a few strides. So more often you just say you’re tired, and the other person responds, “oh, that’s too bad. I would wait for you, but I have to go run this 10K to support #NoLegBonesAwareness - you really should join next time, bye!”

The worst thing that happens, though, is when someone asks you, “have you thought about what would help you walk better?” And you want to scream at them, “Bitch, of course I have! I think about it all the fucking time! Having actual fucking bones in my goddamn legs would help!” But of course you can’t do that because at least they’re trying to understand that you have a problem that they don’t know how to fix, whereas everyone else is suggesting calcium and vitamin D supplements to help your non-existent bones grow. Or when they find out walking is difficult for you, they suggest jogging might be easier instead. Or perhaps flying? Have you tried flying?

And so you just keep walking along, mostly slowly, sometimes a little quicker, and sometimes really, really slow. And meanwhile your peers are getting married, buying houses, starting families, all the regular things society likes to celebrate. And one day you realize you’ve been walking for a really long time, years maybe, without breaking a leg, and it’s the first time in your life you’ve gone that long without a broken leg. And you know that’s a much harder and more difficult achievement than any degree anyone’s earned or promotion they got, and took so much more work. But there’s only about a half dozen people in the entire world that actually understand that, and you’re not close with any of them.

And while you’re thinking about that, you hear a sickening, yet familiar crunch.

That’s what it’s like to live with mental illness.

[beingdreeyore]

It’s funny, the impact he still has on me. When things were good between us and we had forged our own weird friendship/romance hybrid that meant we weren’t committed to each other exclusively, things were good. He felt no pressure to contact me and contacted me more than he ever had. I continued to pursue a relationship elsewhere. Things seemed to be the best they’d ever been between us. We remembered how much happiness we bring each other.

Then Z happened. And suddenly S the ex didn’t want to be in the supporting role. So he went to therapy and came back with promises to deliver on the things we had always talked about.

But he didn’t. So I misdirected my anger at Z. Z is long gone and when he left, so too did S the ex. I have these mixed feelings about each of them that I know are mostly pointless because neither has any intention of being in my life.

I’m still battling to work through it all. My boss tells me I’m depressed and has been begging me to start an SSRI. I haven’t. I know a major part of the depression is situational. I know all this.

I miss them both today though. I miss different things. I miss the way S the ex can always sell me on forever and how Z makes me think there’s actually hope I won’t always be alone. At the same time I know none of that is entirely true, it neglects to mention that S has never once delivered on forever and Z often left me feeling more alone than before I met him.

It’s a complicated day of emotions today. I doubt I’ll leave the apartment. I don’t know if I’ll do anything. I don’t have the energy. To get through it will be lots of little baby steps. Again. Again with the baby steps. And I just don’t know if I have the energy anymore.

[appliedpsychedelics]

Applied Psychedelics and Psychonautics - Ian, December 12-25 2023

Applied Psychedelics and Psychonautics - Ian, December 12-25 2023

I noticed, while I was high off mushrooms, I entered an altered state of consciousness known as flow state, which is characterized by a sense of time distortion and overall sense of happiness. These things, I realized I was experiencing them because this mushroom was making my mind perform at its peak, and I felt truly alive and fully attentive to my work, deriving great joy in such wonderful subjects as Electromagnetic Energy… truly my schoolwork didn’t feel much like work, but rather an exploration of the world, and I found myself very happy with a positive mental picture of myself as a scholar and explorer: I would explore my chosen subject matter, up close, and gain real experience and knowledge of it, all while taking good notes of it.

Sometimes, I found that it was like I could be a sort of, scholarly conqueror 

And I began to relish in this image of myself and this mushroom forming a kind of mutually beneficial relationship, and then in the dream of showing the world what psychedelic mushrooms can really do to improve people's lives

Today even, one in 10 Americans aged 12 and older is on SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, used for depression or anxiety), and actually, SSRIs are incredibly easy to access, at least for me it was. I’ve had my own encounters with Big Pharma and Big Psych, notably I took Prozac for a short period of time due to a bout of “depression”. 

The main difference between SSRIs and psychedelic mushrooms is that SSRIs are just escapism: you’re zombifying yourself to cope with your feelings. When I was on Prozac, I had such a major disconnect from reality, I always felt so distant and was looking at myself from outside my own body, I realized that the excess serotonin from the drug was causing derealization. 

The issue with medical professionals in this field is that they genuinely believe the issue in a depressed person is something like their amount of serotonin. 

The truth is, the issue is that a depressed person is caught in a negative loop/cycle of their own bad thoughts and actions: they need to have a “breakthrough” thought, a kind of, “Eureka!” lightbulb moment. I am like, 99 percent sure that the big public backlash against using mushrooms, weed, cacti, and other LITERAL PLANTS to self medicate comes from Big Pharma wanting more people to go to them to get POISONED by SSRIs, which are literally demonic (I'll explain how evil Big Psych and Pharma can be in another post, I haven't got enough time to document all that evil in this first post…)

        What I’ve found is that mushrooms grind on your ego and humble you, they help you REALIZE things that are helpful and make you break out of harmful cycles. 

 λόγος you open your mind to new ideas, and λόγος will show you images and give you voices, it will suggest things to your mind that help produce these breakthroughs. , in case you were unaware, is Greek (“logos”), meaning “logic” or “reason”, and it is the name which Terence McKenna and many popular psychonauts have used to refer to the living entity which you can feel in the mushrooms. Many people who take mushrooms get the feeling that something is alive in there… and it wants to talk to you. That mushrooms are animate, and trying to communicate. This is something I believe 100 percent. 

         For example, Albert Hoffman, the guy who synthesized LSD (lysergic acid diethylamide) and isolated + named + synthesized psilocybin and psilocin (the psychedelic part of shrooms, which I hope to discuss more in depth later on), told Terence McKenna once that the reason he preferred LSD to shrooms was because he felt that shrooms were animate, that there was something alive inside them. 

I would like to try and communicate with this entity. I believe it is a force for good… some of the things it has revealed to me have been like, crazy spiritually enlightening. I feel much better overall since I've taken them, mentally and emotionally. There is a kind of harmony there. 

Terence McKenna, who I mentioned before (RIP McKenna, he died in 2000, respect) is well known for advocating the positives of using mushrooms (responsibly), kinda like I'm doing now. 

I will probably make a post dedicated to him.

I’m convinced that there’s some real potential in using magic mushrooms to help treat the symptoms of and maybe even cure conditions such as depression:

Every trip I go on, I find that I am able to make “breakthroughs” in my cycles of thinking, which enable me to learn about myself and explore ways to make myself a better person, ways to function on a higher level.

In fact, this post right here might as well be a testament to the way mushrooms can influence the way people think: I was so inspired that I decided to study this, for fun, and I’ve taken it upon myself as a kind of hobby, although I do admit that I do not yet have enough knowledge and experience to call myself a psychonaut just yet, I do hope to get there someday.

In case you didn’t know, a psychonaut is   to some extent, I suppose while partaking in Psilocybin/Psilocin mushrooms, An altered state of consciousness in which the mind functions at its peak, time may seem distorted, and a sense of happiness prevails. In such a state the individual feels truly alive and fully attentive to what is being done.

I saw all sorts of repeating patterns, shapes, colors, it truly was amazing and I was convinced that each symbol I saw held some sort of deeper meaning, at least in my own heart, but it is only through the exploration of my own heart that I begin to understand the rest of the world: certain things will strike chords in you. 

The only thing I have noticed about mushrooms that is negative is that they negatively impact my memory and often while high off them, I find myself disoriented, confused. I got lost in my own school that I've gone to for 3 years while on shrooms. I couldn't tell if I was upstairs or downstairs. I kept forgetting where I was supposed to be, forgetting lots of things… overall, I think we should try to make sure mushrooms don't impact memory negatively on a longer time frame (ex. Causing Alzheimer's or dementia) 

I am, however, not worried enough about this to stop using mushrooms or to stop championing them as a potential solution to mental/emotional/spiritual health problems 

I feel like from the small amount of times I've consumed shrooms, I always walk away from my trip with new knowledge and a sense of inner ☮️. Because of how profoundly this has affected me, I do think it's worth temporary memory loss and confusion, which can be made so that it does not actually fuck with ur life (I'll be making a post later on the responsible use of shrooms)

Other than that note on memory, I have noticed 0 negatives from shrooms. They're literal mushrooms! You aren't even putting smoke in your lungs, you're literally eating a pizza topping or salad ingredient. 

As a Christian it is my belief that there's nothing wrong with the responsible use of these mushrooms. It's a fungi! It's God's creation, same as any other regular Portobello mushroom. Just be aware that some people believe that 

 λόγος is a demonic entity or a malicious influence. 

I do not believe that myself, 

 λόγος is to me like a wise old man

And there's definitely other stuff out there besides angels and demons, so maybe it's one of those other things! 

I'm just warning y'all, it's a risk! It's a spiritual, pyschological, emotional risk to put faith in λόγος, 

But I seriously vouch for its positive impacts. I'm doing this research and taking this risk because I truly believe this is part of the future. 

Overall, I believe in the potential of nature. We should be utilizing the resources provided to us by God :3 

So this is my intro post! Soon I'll be posting: 

How to find/identify shrooms/where to find them 

How to grow shrooms 

The horrors of big pharma/pysch

Horrors of the war on drugs 

Guide for responsible mushroom use 

The historical use of pyschadelic mushrooms 

Terence McKenna and maybe other people like him 

MY OWN PERSONAL TRIP REPORTS !! 

MORE INFO ON λόγος

Enjoy my tumblr :3 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hello! Come to you with a question that's probably impossible to answer, but I gotta give it a try. Me and my partner had an amazing sex life that lasted for years, then we started taking SSRIs and we simply don't have a sex life anymore. I'm adjusting my meds so my sex drive comes back, but he has tried lots os treatments before and this is the first combination that works, so he doesn't have much room to experiment. This is no deal breaker but we're both disappointed and soon my libido will come back but his will not :( How to deal with that?

hi anon,

this isn't impossible at all; you're gravely underestimating me - and yourself and your partner!

I think the two of you are actually coming at this with a HUGE advantage, in that the two of you already know you're probably about to enter a period of mismatched libido and are already talking about it. generally speaking, I would say that the VAST majority of relationships with mismatched libidos usually stems from both partners simply assuming that either their sex drive or their partner's must be wrong somehow, taking it personally, and all communication on the matter falling to shambles. from the sound of things, you and your partner are already avoiding that particular pitfall since you know exactly what the issue is likely to be and why it's happening - and crucially, that nobody involved is at fault for it.

so, first off: the two of you are about to enter an experimental period that could be REALLY FUN if you let it. as your sex drive starts returning to you, make note of what that feels and looks like - and how often he's interested he's interested in going along. while he may never be the one initiating, there's every chance in the world that once you get things moving he'll find himself feeling similarly - or at least interested enough to keep things moving with you.

speaking from my own experience, there are a number of ways that a good ol' SSRI can make your libido funky. while my sex drive burrowed deep underground for a good year or so after I first started lexapro, the opportunity of partnered sex still would have pulled it right back out - and masturbation was absolutely still on the table, even with my libido flatlining, because it still felt nice even if I wasn't particularly horny.

am I suggesting that the two of you make a fun little couples' activity out of comparing notes on your wildly fluctuating levels of sex drive and what you think each of you might still be into? oh my god, absolutely yes. are you kidding me? that's hot as hell. do that.

also, when in doubt: schedule it out. scheduling sex gets a REALLY bad reputation, usually painting it as the desperate last ditch effort of a failing relationship, but I think that's horseshit. listen, most adults are busy anyway; scheduling things is so good and helpful, especially if it's something that's important to your relationship! plus, in a potential mismatch situation like this, setting a specific date for sex will help set reasonable expectations for both partners and help them know what and when to expect it, and help each of them get into the right mindset accordingly.

additionally, this is a GREAT period to explore other forms of intimacy together, including ones that could be entirely non-sexual if your partner ends up finding that sex is going to be a hard no for him altogether. there's never a BAD time to talk in-depth with a partner about different ways in which you might want to show and receive affection and spend your time together, but right now you have an absolutely banging excuse to kick that conversation off and talk about what a relationship with a vastly altered sexual component will look like for both of you.

[sonictalismans]

Some disjointed musings on dopamine, since my co-workers keep bringing it up:

It's annoying to hear dopamine spoken of as this Bogeyman, particularly when it comes to electronic device usage, by middle aged men who read a few parenting blogs with zero critical thinking nor consideration for neurodiversity, other research sources, etc. Yes, dopamine lies at the root of addiction. At the same time, if our brains didn't use it, we'd have almost no incentive to do anything at all. I am getting extremely frustrated by seeing our educators completely glossing over this fact.

I've struggled with major depressive disorder for as long as I can remember. SSRIs never worked for me. They would nauseate me and often make me even more sad, and even less motivated. In my late 20s, after getting out of an abusive relationship and kicking a serious drug addiction, a prescriber suggested I try an NDRI (norepinephrine-dopamine reuptake inhibitor) instead. It took a few tries to find the right dosage and timing for me, but once we figured that out, it was absolutely life changing. With my baseline dopamine level closer to that of an average person's, I am now far less prone to addictive behaviors. Drugs aside, I used to spend hours scrolling Tumblr, watching TV, or playing video games with no regard to whether or not I was continuing to enjoy myself as time passed, nor sufficient regard for other things I needed or wanted to do. As you might imagine, this was damaging to my mood, among other things. Now, I can tell when I'm getting burned out on any given activity, and feel okay about stopping and switching to something else. I can tell the difference between doing something out of habit or avoidance, and doing something because I actually want or need to.

I've noticed the older generations are very quick to assume that moderation is completely impossible without looking at possible underlying causes behind certain peoples' tendencies towards immoderation. I would implore them to think about their own areas of immoderation, and to think of practically everything that exists as a tool that can be used in either a safe or unsafe manner. "Screen time rots your brain because dopamine" is an extremely broad statement that lacks any kind of nuance, and yet it is coming out of the mouths of the people who are supposed to be educating our future generations. Yes, sure, people who spend all weekend on TikTok almost certainly have some level of brainrot, but I'd like to see someone try to come up with a good argument as to how my Kanji practice app is somehow making me dumber.

[vienna-fae]

I’m not doing great today. I for the most part had fun at a convention this past weekend? That’s only because I met some friends I met on discord. My hotel situation was absolutely awful. I had to check out of my original one and get into a new one. Together both of these hotels owe me over $400. I’m fucked until Thursday. Fuck hotels. Fuck banks. Tbh fuck that convention for moving it from a city to a town in the middle of buttfuck no where.

I’m so angry, anxious, frustrated, and scared. I hate hotels and their bullshit policies that make no sense, I hate banks because of the long wait time to get a refund, I’m angry at the majority of my irl friends because they didn’t have a place in their room for me (and just being happy to see me and hanging out with me doesn’t fix shit), I’m pissed at the convention because they moved it to some small town that’s far out there….. The weather was way too hot, the heat index was over 100 degrees Fahrenheit all the time. My Petra cosplay was a bust because my wig and boots crapped out on me. Because of the heat I couldn’t cosplay as Shinobu. I spent months getting those cosplays prepared.

I don’t know when I’ll be able to get gas in my car or pay my utilities. No one told me how hotel bookings worked and left me out to dry. If that convention is in the same town next year and I can’t get anyone to room with I’m not going. It’s not that worth it. I was fucked over by the first hotel and I don’t know if I’ll get a full refund (even though I’m obligated to one according to booking.com). I feel like my other friends who I usually room with let me down and I’m pissed. I don’t even want to speak to any of them right now and I’ve known some of these people for over five years   before Covid I’d usually stay with them. I feel like I was abandoned.

I can’t find anyone who feels the same way I do about this past weekend. Everyone else seems to have had the best weekend ever while I was in an absolute fucking nightmare. One of my medications (my SSRI) gave me really bad side effects on Saturday morning into the early afternoon. Which affected my ability to do any kind of fine motor skill tasks because my hands wouldn’t stop shaking. How I got there without wrecking my car is a mystery.

I felt like I had no choice but to go because I couldn’t get a refund on the ticket.

I can’t stop crying this morning. I just feel awful and I’m so scared. Why didn’t my parents explain to me how hotels and their fees worked? Why was I just an after thought to so many people who before Covid would have actually thought of me? I still don’t want to talk to any of them. I had an assignment due for one of my classes due Friday and I was going to finish up Friday night. Since I had to deal with hotel drama I missed the deadline. That paper was a big part of my grade and I was struggling enough with that particular assignment. I just want to lay in my bed and cry until Thursday. I feel frozen and I can’t really do anything.

I lied about saying I had a good time on the discord server. I left that server because I just can’t handle it. The convention used to be fun. It used to be 15 minutes away from where I live currently and it felt like there was more there. 

Like I said, the only thing that brought me any joy was meeting the people I’d made friends with on discord.