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dr-futbol-blog · 4 months

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Home, Pt. 4

Sheppard and Teyla continue exploring what is basically Sheppard's mind. They have this exchange:

Teyla: What is it? Sheppard: I was just thinkin' again -- about Doctor Weir and everyone else on Atlantis. Teyla: Of course. I am sure she is fine -- as I am sure they are all fine. Sheppard: Yeah, I'm sure.

This once more confirms that they all have different realities: Weir is still back on Atlantis on his. But this is also an example of something we see multiple times later: Sheppard cares so much about Rodney that he's unable to put it into words. to verbalize it, but Teyla, being both observant and empathic, figures it out anyway.

There are several times when Sheppard talks about some heavy emotional stuff and just tacks Rodney on as though he's an afterthought ("Even Rodney") because he just can't deal with the thought of losing him. He's using humour, he's using sarcasm, he's using flippancy, he's using any and every technique he can to distance himself from the fact that he is actually the one called to constantly put someone he loves Rodney in danger and this fear is certainly not lessened by the fact that he loved and lost someone who served under him (Capt. Holland, as we learn in Phantoms, S03E09) for which he very much blames himself.

Viewers that don't understand what Sheppard is doing probably get whiplash from Sheppard and McKay being best friends one moment and Sheppard talking about him to other people like he doesn't even care the next. Oh, he cares ("Deeper than words, my friend, deeper than words"), he cares so much that he has to try to trick cruel fate into leaving McKay alone by talking about him like he doesn't. Like not admitting it would keep his guilt-laden ill fortune, the bad karma of past mistakes, from getting someone he loves killed. Again.

Here, he's unable to speak Rodney's name ("and everyone else"). But Teyla, being the empath that she is, picks up on this and tries to alleviate his fear with "I am sure they are all fine".

He looks so goddamn sad.

Here he is, back home with a beautiful woman with everything a man could ever want. And he looks like he would rather be anywhere else.

The fact that we transition from this conversation directly to McKay just confirms that Weir was not who he was actually thinking about, who he was worried for.

Sheppard's frat party with the dead friends and former crushes is interesting. We see Sheppard watch a bikini-clad hot woman dive in the pool and yet he's clearly more comfortable inside, fraternizing with the dead soldiers, and all the other dudes out and about. Who are all these people? Likely, they're all people from his past. There's his sixth grade teacher (and who hasn't had a crush on a teacher?), there's someone that wouldn't date him whose name he can't even remember. Likely he hasn't invented any whole-ass people but filled the room with people from his memories.

Also? We are lead to believe he is pointing at this woman in the pink tank top as the person who wouldn't date him because she is the only woman in the frame and she's lit up. But there are four people behind Mitch and Dex here, and Sheppard could mean any one of them. He does not mention this person's gender, just says "You wouldn't date me!"

The heteronormative viewer is going to make the obvious interpretation. But by a sheer numbers game, this person is much more likely to have been a guy. The likeliest candidate is the one to the right of the woman taking a sip of his drink since he's the one Dex actually turns to look at once Sheppard points out this person that refused to date him (and Sheppard's own eyes also look very much to the right of the frame). And when Sheppard picks up his gun, this guy cowers behind the woman in pink like he's expecting to get shot.

There are hot women in the party, yes. But there sure are a lot of good-looking guys there, too. Maybe there are too many people he's found attractive at one time or another as he seems to be getting hot under the collar:

The last person he looks at (in fact, he looks at this guy in the striped shirt three times) before he has to open his jacket to cool down? This guy:

But, like. The mainstream audience saw the bikinis and nothing else.

The bikini-clad women also distract from their reminiscing about how Sheppard spent half the night sitting and "talking to this guy" in Afghanistan two days before his friends were killed outside Khabour. This is clearly weighing on him. The fact that just attempting to connect with another human being always seems to lead to people close to him getting killed. Again, we transition from this discussion directly to Rodney.

It may be that the house is so full of people, seemingly completely random people from his life, that he was trying to conjure someone to turn up there but couldn't manage it (because the mist wouldn't allow it). We start from his team members who appeared just when he was feeling lonely and thinking about the people he had left behind at Atlantis (Rodney), we know there's someone really smart (Rodney) there being a teacher to a sixth grader, someone he wanted to date (Rodney?), very attractive people (Rodney?), geeky poorly dressed people (def. Rodney). We start with his team members and we end with Ford, who finally comes in the door with a bunch of pizzas. He kept trying to get something to happen, someone to appear, which began with his dead army buddies and finished with Ford. Just saying, there were a lot of people there.

In the end, the alien mist brings them all together into the gate room, suggesting that they live out the rest of their lives in a shared reality. Something pretty interesting happens. The mist tells them that they are now experiencing a shared fabrication. Rodney is shook by this, likely taking this to mean that they have access to each others' minds.

He almost looks at Sheppard but then averts his eyes. Clearly, he wants to look. A few moments pass, he looks more and more apprehensive, and he finally interjects with "So none of this is real? The cute brunette, of course, I should have known! How do you go from, 'You're a pig, but I like your cat,' to, 'I missed you'?"

First of all, he makes no mention of the cute brunette being a woman so for Sheppard, this could mean anyone. Second, this is the thing that McKay chooses to share of his own reality quite unprompted with the others here.

Third, Sheppard looks all kinds of unhappy about hearing him say that. Like this entire thing is in reaction to McKay, the cute brunette and the cat:

He's looked more or less upset the entire episode but suddenly he looks like his cat just died. Weren't you just in a house full of hot people you conjured up from your past yourself, Major? Is it even possible to interpret this as something other than an acute case of jealousy?

And yet he forgets it as soon as McKay starts flirting with him again:

Sheppard: The dead people were a -- dead give a way. McKay: Dead people? What were you doing?

This. This flirty rejoinder was more important to McKay than food and water and their bodies being unconscious on the ground on some alien planet since all of this he only realizes once he has it out of his system, once he has had the chance to reconnect with Sheppard. They actually double-team on the alien mist and when McKay steps up to him/it, Sheppard does the same apparently to place himself between Rodney and fake!Hammond if need be.

When the mist suggests that they make the most of the time they have left, Sheppard gives McKay this look:

McKay is out of the frame, Weir is standing between them so your average Joe viewer, if they pay attention to their looks at all, might interpret him as looking at Weir when that is not what he's doing at all.

When all is well and they wake up on the planet, the episode ends with Sheppard doing something that he loves doing: watching McKay work. He glances back at Teyla and Weir to see if they can see him looking but the episode fades to black with Sheppard and McKay's back-and-forth, once more in their own little world even with these other people around them.

This scene also circles back to the beginning of the episode. There, Sheppard was very obviously trying to not look at McKay. This was emphasized by the placement of Ford and the DHD between them. In this final scene, Ford and the DHD are also placed between them but by this time, they are having a conversation right over them, with Sheppard leaning over the DHD to get closer. They are having a back-and-forth regardless of any and everything that is between them and around them.

It's so familiar. It's so domestic. All is right with the world.

#stargate atlantis #sga #sga meta #john sheppard #sheppard is bi #rodney mckay #rodney is gay #ep. home #ep. phantoms

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qqueenofhades · 8 months

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So l applied for a job as an English teacher (where I live it's taught as a second language) and my experience teaching is for like kids 10 and older, and this is for preschool, kids aged 2-5. So I never thought the would call me, because I was honest and told them l've never taught children that age, but they did and the problem is they gave me less than 24hrs to prepare for a class (they didn’t even give me the topics). And they're asking for pp presentation, didactic material ... And I just had to say no, they knew I didn’t have experience with children that young and I obviously don't have adequate didactic materials to bring for the children.

Yet I kinda feel bad and guilty for not having a job, and I can't help but think that maybe I'm the problem, I've been looking for a job for months and this isn’t even my university major. In my area they ask for like 3-5 years of experience, and this is for “people that just graduated” the salaries are minimum or barely above the minimum, they just don’t match the years of experience they’re asking for.

People they just don’t want to hire you to gain experience, I know you’re supposed to gain some with internships but I had at least half of my university time online because of the pandemic, some of my classmates even had online internships. And some jobs they outright tell you that they’re asking for “real experience” so those don’t count. Then if someone hires you they hold it over you, they expect you to leave everything behind and give 100% to the job, as in working and insane amount hours, at crazy times, if they’re generous they pay you the minimum but most of the time they have you there as an unofficial intern that it’s extremely lucky to receive some financial compensation; I mean who would’ve thought that we have to eat and try to survive week after week.

Honestly most days have become this despairing experience and this feeling in my chest and stomach just doesn’t go away.

Im sorry for this very long and sad anon message, it’s just that I’ve seen some anons leaving you similar comments. And you sound like a very mature wise person, I love that you talk about a lot of things 💖

First off, I'm flattered that I am seen as a good place for the younguns to come ask for sympathy and/or advice (I am a good internet grandma, etc). So yes, I shall give you hot cocoa and a nice spot to sit down and chat, metaphorically speaking.

I'm sure you've heard this before, but just so you know and/or hear it again: you're not alone, tons of young people are in the same boat, and it isn't your fault that we live in late-stage capitalism and the job market simultaneously wants 3-5 years of experience for an entry level job and pays you literal shit (but also wants you to somehow spend enough money all the time to keep the economy afloat, NO WAGE ONLY SPEND). Especially when Covid upended everything and now people want to discount online learning/work experience when there was literally no other option. It is a big bucket of crap all around, and while it can absolutely feel like a negative reflection on you personally, or that you're not good enough or not trying hard enough or not open enough to doing things completely out of your comfort zone because you have no other choice, it's not. There are tons of people who really WANT to be employed and have a steady job and at least enough to cover their basic necessities, but due to late-stage capitalism, it's just very hard. You are not the only one and this is not a personal character flaw or failing on your part.

You should not have to take a job you are completely uncomfortable with, especially when they give you literally zero chance to prepare adequately and don't give you any resources or time to support that transition (they'll begin as they mean to go on, etc). And likewise, I want to note that your university major/degree is not a binding contract that you can only work in that field, that you're a failure if you don't get a job in that field, and you have to look in that field first and foremost. Plenty of people do one thing in college and something totally different in their career, and it's okay if that happens, or if you have to work outside your college major for a while or even for the rest of your professional life. So as far as that part goes, I definitely don't think you need to feel any guilt about looking wherever you can, since as you note, the competition is hard for everybody and there's just not enough to go around (by design, since capitalism runs on manufactured scarcity). Once again: not your fault, you're not a failure, and you're doing your best. That is worth a lot.

I know that it sounds trite to say keep your chin up, but keep your chin up. When it comes to teaching ESL, it might be possible to freelance, to offer sessions virtually or over Zoom, advertise among your family and friends, etc., or other bit-part things to tide you over until you find a job (and take it from me, sheer bullheaded stubbornness is half the battle). There are also online tutoring sites and agencies such as Tutora (which I briefly taught for as a broke PhD student) or Study.com that can match you with remote/online work opportunities and get you some clients, rather than you having to do all the work to find and recruit them by yourself. This obviously won't take the place of an actual job, but it might help you patch some cracks and string together some income until you can find one.

Good luck! I'm rooting for you.

#anonymous #ask

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bruinhilda · 1 month

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Whining ahead, feel free to skip.

I am tired of American healthcare.

Yes, we know your parent collapsed and needed to be rushed to the ER, but they're not *that* bad, so we're not going to admit them. No, we don't know exactly why, but they're obviously out of danger now, so fuck off already. Come back in five days for their unrelated appointment. Be sure to call EMS and pay for another ambulance ride if it happens again because we kicked them out too soon.

Go here. Go there. We want you to come in tomorrow for a 15 minute test. Your appointment is at 11am, but since we're shit at scheduling, we'll actually call you in anywhere between 10:45 and 1pm. Oh, we're booked, so instead of being in the hospital that is aware of your condition and risks, we're going to refer you to some random clinic to do that all-day outpatient surgery. Yes, you are going to have to become a bitch and snarl and yell and constantly have to remind us that you don't have a car and have to arrange your parent's pickups 72-24 hours in advance, because we are absolutely incapable of wrapping our brains around that fact. No, we're not going to schedule their next procedure right now, while you've got a 3 hour wait for the ride back - we'll call you while you're running for a bus tomorrow. Oh, that procedure we scheduled carefully for you earlier? We had a cancellation, so we're going to insist you instead somehow come in before your transport service starts running for the day, and will be incredibly put out and nasty to you for pointing this impossibility out and refusing.

Followed up by people with helpful advice about how you have to be aggressive and combative to deal with healthcare, and here's an array of ridiculous hoops to jump through that might trick your provider into providing healthcare instead of screwing you over. It's all on YOU, you can't expect THEM to actually accommodate you unless you PROVE you really and truly want and deserve it.

It's been made abundantly clear that my parent has only lived this long because of my fighting. And that if I reach their age, I will be utterly screwed because I will be alone, and broke, with nobody to "advocate" for me. And people will say, "that's so sad," and be baffled that nobody stepped in and helped when help was so obviously needed. But I will ultimately be blamed, for being TOO needy and not being able to jump through all the hoops required and navigate these 27 point plans to ask for help that has a fifty-fifty chance of being refused on account of a minor technicality.

I'd march in the streets screaming and waving signs about it, but I'm exhausted, and if I don't get back to work, there will be no healthcare at all. Or food. Or shelter.

The truly scary thing is my parent and I have better healthcare than a fuckload of other people in this country. That hospital made a top ten list of best in the nation. There's a social safety net of sorts in this state. I talk to people or read posts from them, and they have nothing at all. Except maybe massive debt from the one time they needed healthcare to not die, so they're going to be punished for the rest of their (shortened) lives for daring to experience a moment of weakness.

I'm afraid I don't have a point or a message. I'm just tired and coming off a bout of massive anger that's transitioning into sadness. And I'm waiting for The Next Bad Thing to happen to further destabilize my life.

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maceofpentacles · 2 years

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I don't know how to put this into words without making you feel sad or bad about yourself, but I'll try.

I saw you had a lot of nasty people around and then a bunch of people tried to cheer you up. Anyway my understanding is that angry anons could be mad because you legit say you're a man ( hence saying you're mentally ill ) , but you aren't a man, you are a TRANS man with a huge emphasis on the trans part. Based on what I've seen recently, the trans community tries to get rid of the ' trans ' term in certain situations, in order to imply that anyone who transition automatically becomes ( Based on the body alterations they do) the gender they transition into.

You might see me as a transphobe or whatever words you use and I literally have nothing against you or other trans people, but there are things that aren't making sense at all ,so they will only bring hate towards you and other trans people, because they are so adamant of " transforming" into a man or a woman and not using ' trans man' or ' trans woman ' to refer to themselves. You can't call yourself man/ woman if you transition, without using the term trans , because you aren't the sex you transitioned into , you weren't born like that, hence saying ' I'm a trans man ' is more suitable than playing mental gymnastics trying to make up all kinds of new theories and definitions of what a man or a woman is or what gender is or isn't, just so you can justify that you were actually assigned the wrong gender , or that a bunch of hormones can make the the opposite sex , magically.

gonna be honest with you homie, this is very much transphobic. not the type of violent transphobia like the people coming into my ask box but the type that shows how passive you are as a cis person to just watch the violence happen and watch bills be passed by the government that further hurt us.

you and your desire to emphasize the fact that i’m not a man, but a TRANS MAN is all fine and dandy. but you’re a cis person ((i’m assuming this for the sake of the argument)) so you needing to understand and make everyone else understand that i am a Trans Man is harmful. there are going to be people that see me and see a cis man. but if they find out i’m trans they will become actively violent and transphobic towards me. so you wanting me to put myself in danger and disclose the fact that i am trans to any and everybody is transphobic.

i’m not doing “mental gymnastics” or making anything up. another indicator that this ask stems from transphobic ideology. we aren’t trying to get rid of our “trans label” we just want people to see us as humans rather than freaks like cis people usually do. it’s not rocket science.

i’m a man. regardless of what you say or want me to say. yes i am trans, but that doesn’t make me any less of a man. have a good day.

#answers hehe #why is this so hard for people to grasp???

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laraluvie · 2 years

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Now that lita is officially over, time for an overall review, an honest one. See, I fucking fell in love with lita, specially the characters and the actors, but I have a LOT of points to make.

Starting with the criticism. The producion. Terrible. Fucking awful. So many scenes got ruined because of it. The sound and visual team were playing around I swear, volume of conversations being too low, you could hear the mics, background music too loud, transitions from one scene to another so bad you get pulled out of the story, clothes being visible during nc scenes, scenes not making any sense whatsoever, the cuts, everything... just bad. Also whoever directed their acting, not even the actors could save some scenes because of the awkward position they got put on set.

Also obviously the wife, black giant, and spanking thing. Seriously, mame?

Talking about the characters now, I wasn't really into payurain because of all the "I'm dumb and cute" thing going on with rain, it made me uncomfortable, the couple became adorable after they got together, but both characters were a little forced to fit the powerful and smart top and the naive and dumb bottom narrative. But then prapaisky came...and I have to admit, I started this series because of them, I read their novel and their characters are so much more interesting, sky is very smart and witty (although they still made him act cute because he is younger annnd obviously because he is a bottom 🙄), prapai is super understanding and mature, the only mistake in his character in the series was how they portrayed that party scene, I feel like the one in the novel made more sense.

Going into prapaisky...there's so much to talk about them...it amazed me so much how prapai could read sky from day one and also respect him, he respected his time, his feelings and never for a second doubted him. The scene where he cries because sky can't became one of my all time favorites, and fortpeat did an amazing job portraying it, tho I still wish they showed sky crying real tears and not only sobs because it would make the difference between his previous cry scenes and this one clearer.

Now going full on compliments, and I will be commenting a lot more about fortpeat because yes they became my protected babies. Since the first time he appeared peat showed such good expressions, he brought sky to life and made him one of my favorite characters ever, when his arch started you could see clearly the change in sky's eyes, he is an actor who express so much through his eyes, the change in his gaze in prapaisky first meeting when he realized prapai wanted sex from him and then later on in the one where prapai says he wants a smile and he gets so surprised, I was STUNNED with his acting, sky is not an easy character at all, he is traumatized, he is mature and likes to pretend he is strong all the time, he helps everyone but never asks for help, he pretends to not care when he cares a lot, the way peat was able to portray the slight changes with subtle body signals, his posture, his smile, his eyes, small expressions...CHIEF KISS. Also fort...his crying scenes, his empathetic scenes, his I'm in love...so SO GOOD, the moment his arch began and he looked at sky with such curiosity and confidence I knew it was the end, he understood prapai so well and he acted while feeling it all, the scene where he comforts sky while you can see in his eyes his own heart is breaking. A FUCKING PERFORMANCE. He nailed all the whipped scenes and let's not talk about the nc ones, I am not prepared to talk about his body language during those, absolutely not. The way both had so much chemistry and the EYE CONTACT!!!!!!! The way they could communicate through their eyes so well, you could feel the love and trust, the fear, the sadness...I can't believe they are both new to this.

Of course all four actors did well, but I needed to emphasize them. Anyway, the series wasn't perfect at all, but I'm gonna miss my weather gang a lot, hope to see the actors working together again (with a better production team pls).

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weareuniqueandimportant · 5 months

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I Find The Consept Of Dubbing Something Cool Into So Many Other Languages Cute And Cool. They Just Never Sound Cool In Your Own. Btw We Checked The Winx Voices Get Terrible Around Season 6 And + To The Point That Might Be On Purpose 👿... A Bigot Appeared And Made Things Sound Terrible Because They Like That 👹...

I Am Super Right Btw Only A Bigot Would Try To Oppose Me 🔥🔥...

Btw I Mean The Finnish Dub 🔥🔥.

Because They Sound Like Shit But Season 1 Was Atleast Solid Sounding.

Season 8 Is Bad On Purpose Because A Bigot Wanted So 😱... Only A Machine Of Capitalism Would Believe Otherwise...

We Watched A Dub Complication Video So Many Blooms Sound Similar To The Point That Is On Mass Purpose. All Blooms As Many As Possible Were Made To Sound The Same And Some Were Terrible 😱... This Narrative Is Real Only An Abuser Would Attempt Otherwise!!

I Almost Want To Develop An Understanding Of Every Language So I Can Mass Develop A Meaning For Every Character Voice In Every Language 😈... This Will Never Be Complete Or Go Somewhere Specific :)...

Most Dubs Also Are EVIL And Don't Add To This Narrative. Only The English One Does. You See...

Machines Of Capitalism Always Talk Like There's Just 1 Right Way To Do Something. Even These Videos Always "Rank" Everything Based On A "Right" Way To Do The Thing. Or List "Fails" Because They Didn't Do Something "Right".

But There Are Different Right Ways... And That Is Interesting When There Are So Many Unique Ones Of Such Kinds... That Is What I Love... However...

Most Dubs Don't Care. They're EVIL. They Only Get Random Voices And Make Them Money.

As Long As They're Different And Alive I Will Appreciate Them. Ofcourse I Find This Cool Countries Bother To Dub At All That Already Is Always Nice. Because Capitalism Is Eating Different Languages Away. And This Is Sad.

We Have Been Effected By This Aswell Since We And Most People Speak English Everywhere... Our Finland Skills Aren't Used Because They Only Get On The Way When Tried... Nobody Cares About Them... There Is No Reward... Like Making Us Transition... Or Even Communication... We Just Made Like 3 Posts And Nothing Happened.

That Is Deeply Tragic. We Have 2 Language Skills Capable Of Being Combined... We Can Create Unique Phrases So Many Can't... This Is Beatifull... Only A Machine Wouldn't Believe This...

That Would Also Be Badass Adapting Bits From Other Ones From Interaction With Them... But Most Others Don't Use Their Skills Either And KILL THEM Aswell As Aren't Fun To Talk To...

Yes. I Know Japanese. Konichi Wa Baby. Me Special Angel From Another Dimension. Mhuhu. You Looking Beatifull Baby. Me Japanese. Uhh...

We Watch Anime In Japanese. Watching Things Best In Other Countries. Something Made In Them. Having Every Country Have Something Cool Best In Sub. That Would Be Badass. But All These Things Are Based On An English Dub That Was Better Instead.

I Will Force Myself Something Someday 😈. I Will Harm Myself Over This Because I Am Super Not Racist 😈... I Am Such A Good Person I Will Hurt Myself To Hear Other Languages By Watching Something I Don't Want To Watch Just So I Can Hear Other Voices And Develop And Understanding Of Them 😈🥵🥵...

Really I Just Want To Be Included... But Machines Of Capitalism Gasslight Evil Narratives On Us That Aren't What They're Saying And They're All The Things They Say Instead... Only An Abuser Would Say Otherwise...

I Know Anyone Is Capable Of Feeling This Way And Wanting This. This Is A Neutral Consept And Our Emotions And Trauma Instead Of Something Evil Only A Bigot Would Gasslight... A Machine Of Capitalism That DESPISES ALL THE GROUPS AND IS ALL THE BIGOTED THINGS... I Enjoy The Existance Of Diversity. Those Garbage Have Nothing Else To Do Than To Crack A Bunch Of Jokes And Mock A Language. Then They Call Us All Kinds Of Bad Things While Clearly Being So Many And All. Nothing But An Evil Abuser Narrative.

A Narrative That Is Untrue. They Haven't Even Seen Us. And We Haven't Even Been Given A Chance. And We're Already Attacked By Bigot That Abused Us Hurt And Damaged Us Very Badly Gave Us Nothing And Never Would've. Their Talk Is A Lie And Only A Tie In Gasslight In The Bigger Narrative That Is Anti Inclusion And Anti Diversity If Anything That Forces Everyone Despite Their Unique And Incapable Brain Structure To Follow Bigoted Rules That In The First Place Abused Abuses Them Made Them As They Are While In A Situation That Is Repeating That Trauma And Causing Them More While The Ignorant Garbage Going How Leftist They Are No Different From Our Abuser Family That Just Only Mocked At Us While They Could've Done Something About Our Transition Something That Is Ignored Was Ignored Was Ignored With These Abusers And Erased As Was All Our Identity And Further Aswell. That Is US That Are Victim And Oppressed In This Situation. Only A Complete Abuser Bigot Would Believe Otherwise. That Is Literally BASIC SANIST GASSLIGHT TO SPIN THE NARCISSISTIC ABUSER NARRATIVE UPSIDE DOWN AND BLAME THE NARCISSIST FOR EVERYTHING. AND THAT IS PSYCHOSIS WHAT THEY USED AGAINST US AND DEHUMANIZED US WITH. THEY WEREN'T THERE TO BE INCLUSIVE AND NICE. THEY DIDN'T MAKE US TRANSITION. AND ONLY ABUSED THAT ASPECT. THEY ONLY WANTED TO MOCK AND LAUGH AT US FOR BEING CRAZY. AND GASSLIGHT US TO BE EVIL THINGS THEY ARE. I'M GOING SOMEWHERE. I'M TRYING. THESE MACHINES ARE STILL AND OPPOSE OUR GROWTH. GASSLIGHTING ABUSER NARRATIVES WE NEVER HAVE FALLEN UNDER LIKE OUR ABUSERS AND OPPRESSORS THEY ASWELL ARE. AND GASSLIGHT THE SITUATION SO THAT US ARE NEVER IN ANY WAY VICTIM ROBBING AWAY THIS RIGHT PEOPLE TRAUMATIZED CERTAINLY DESERVE UNLESS THEY'RE BIGOT SOMETHING WE AREN'T ARE THE LEAST OF AS ONLY WE AREN'T BIGOT IN THIS SEKAI. SIMPLE MATERIAL. SIMPLE GASSLIGHT. HURT ME AND YOU'RE AN ABUSER. THAT IS THAT SIMPLE.

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kitkatwinchester · 1 year

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EVERYTHING ABOUT THE ENDING OF THAT EPISODE OMG!!

Okay first of all, you can tell I'm not Scott OR Stiles, because it took me until seeing Rhys with the burn bandages in the hospital bed to realize that RHYS was the one the Nogitsune possessed, and it took me until she said "Eichen House", plus the accompanying visual, to establish that the Eichen House is on the same plot of land as the Oak Creek Internment Camp was. XD

ANYWAYS!

That's so freaking sad, and I feel so bad for Noshiko, because in a rage over what had happened to Rhys, she invoked something even worse, and she regretted it instantly, and now there's no coming back from that. And the fact that he said "coup de foudre" right before he died I CAN'T. :( :( :(

THAT SAID!

The f*cking looks and emotions and lines in the rest of those sequences I CANNOT.

Okay since we're here, starting with Scott, Kira, Ken, and Noshiko.

The fact that Kira looks over at Scott when her mom says it can mean "love at first sight" just SENT ME omg. And then on top of that, the way they keep exchanging looks, and she keeps looking at him for comfort, and he keeps nodding and encouraging her along, and then when he looks at her in just utter awe and amazement and pride when she manages to put the sword back together (also as an aside, Kira's bad*ssery and sass with the "I just found out your 900 years old. I don't think I'll ever trust you again." we love her. <3 <3). And then, after all of that, Noshiko, having been angry at Scott's presence and bitter at the idea of wolves to begin with, ends with looking at Scott with "And maybe seek out a wolf to help you." I CANNOT! I LOVE SCIRA SO FREAKING MUCH!! WHEN DO THEY KISS?! I WANT THEM TO KISS!!

And then, in all of this, Noshiko only further confirms that, as far as she's concerned, the only way to save Stiles is to kill him, and Scott is having NONE of that, and the LINES, dude.

"Sometimes, history does repeat itself, Scott." "Only if you don't learn." "But sometimes even then, fate conspires against you."

I mean, D*MN.

That said, I am obviously with Scott in not killing Stiles, and I fully support this plan, which is why I love, with every fiber of my being, the anger and determination in his face when he says "There's a way to save him. There has to be." Because that is his BEST FRIEND, his BROTHER (Noshiko even admitted that herself), and the last thing he will do is resort to killing him. Never in a million years.

And then we have our little group of four. First of all, that transition was EPIC, going from the sword lighting up to the chess board. I was all for that, OMG.

Secondly, that whole sequence was so good. Everyone working together to figure out Void Stiles' message, but Noah being the one to ultimately break it down and acknowledge that there's more to it than meets the eye, because he's RIGHT. The Nogitsune is a trickster, not a killer, and there HAS to be more to it than just wanting to trap them and kill them.

"All we have to do is come up with a new punch line."

I FREAKING LOVE YOU NOAH!! YES!! LET'S DO THIS!!! LET'S GO TRICK THE TRICKSTER AND FIGURE THIS THING OUT AND SAVE STILES!!!

And then that ENDING. The transitions. OMG that set-up was terrifying, but so f*cking beautiful and well-done.

With Noshiko narrating as it goes through her flashback of hiding the Nogitsune in the nemeton, and then the transition to Scott, Stiles, and Allison coming out of the tubs after their sacrifice, and all the little clips of the nemeton falling apart until it eventually released the Nogitsune, all leading up to Stiles in the loft, with his dad opening the door behind him.

"They let the demon out of its cage."

And Void Stiles turns, and Dylan's got that extra little darkness in his eyes that shows he's not the Stiles we know and love, and you get...

"Hi, dad."

OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO GOOD.

And now we immediately watch the next episode because I cannot possibly leave off on that.

Let's f*cking go, because I'm ready (but also so not ready) to see how all of this goes horribly wrong, since we're still two episodes away from the finale...

ANYWAYS!

(I feel like they're gonna find a way to somehow parallel this exact scene, but then alter it somehow because Scott and Kira will NOT repeat history and kill someone they care about, and I can see the integration of that being so cool and I'm honestly so excited. <3)

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orionicchaos · 2 years

Text

Iris Bleue | trans!ftm!reader x tartaglia

× trans, ftm, m!reader with he/him pronouns (you are referred as "you" tho)

× headcanons

× character : childe/tartaglia/ajax (he is referred to as ajax)

× this is part of the "LGBTQ+ PROTECTORS" series.

🌺💮

TW : transphobia, gender dysphoria (voice, height, chest, genitals, periods), your family "accepts" you but they have a REALLY "hard time" refering you as your name and not your deadname, they misgender you a lot, they also are inconsiderate of your feelings, reader is not on T, didn't have any surgery and doesn't have a binder, mention of arguments (with your family), mention of sex (that part is red), nicknames (baby, darling..), no proofread ! (it's 1 am)

other warnings : modern!au, fluff, hurt/comfort, pre-established relationship (ajax is your bf), ajax is literally your protector, ajax is so so sweet

| resume : Basically, a bunch of headcanons and scenarios? of ajax being the boyfriend you deserve |

a.n. : this is clearly me trying to cope with my gender dysphoria and the way my family acts. this is based on my experience, insecurities and feelings, and it may not match yours. i certainly don't want y'all to feel bad guys. i thought about writing it for myself and keep it private but maybe it could comfort some of you if your struggles are similar to mine! trans people's experiences are all different! i tried to make the "tw" as precise as possible so you could be warned. ily guys <3

it's my first time writing something like that and im not proud but that's a first time!

navi.

♪¸¸.•*¨*•.

Coming out

-When you came out to him, you two were already dating. You were quite scared to tell him that you were actually a man

-But everything went well. He was just like "Oh okay?", and when he noticed your widened eyes, he took your hand in his and told you he was happy that you trusted him enough to come out, that he was bisexual so it wasn't a problem for him to date a guy, and that after all, you remained the person he loved and cherished so he would always support you and be by your side

-you cried because you expected a break-up, so he pulled you into a hug, kissing your face, rubbing your back, and reassuring you

-you both spent the whole night cuddling in his bed and he offered you to pick a sweater from his wardrobe to wear, he asked for your pronouns and if you would like to start a medical transition (insisted that if you didn't or wasn't ready it was fine and that it was your choice)

-yes he has some knowledges about transidentity, since his siblings have trans friends! They often came to play with teucer and sonia so he learned few things to make them comfortable in the house (he's a trans kids protector, fight me if you think otherwise)

-forgot for a whole week to ask for your name since he only uses petnames like "baby" or "darling" and went "damn i didn't ask him if he has a new name" when he was about to say your birthname in a conversation

-nervously, he asked you if you had a new name and you let out a chuckle, answering that you actually did

"my new name is (Name), thanks for asking, baby"

"woah, that's a pretty nice name darling, it does suit an handsome man like you"

-yeah that man takes every chance he gets to compliment you (and awkwardly flirt)

-he never, and i mean never, misgendered you. at first, it wasn't natural for him (for the first three days), because he was used to your former pronouns, so he had to think before speaking, but it quickly became completely normal for him to call you his boyfriend and use he/him!

-overall, your coming out went very, very well <3

Gender dysphoria

-he can't understand how if feels like to have gender dysphoria, but seeing you sad and crying because of that let him know that's it's not the best thing ever

-he feels so bad whenever you look upset about the way you look in the mirror, trying to hide your chest with weird posture, tears rolling down your cheeks

-when he sees you in these moments, he compliments you more than usual, pulls you into hugs, calls you his handsome boyfriend and kisses your lips, trying to make you think about something else. he will often lay you on the bed next to him, deciding that a nap would be great because you needed to rest

-he's willing to buy you a binder whenever you ask, and if he feels like it, he would even bring the idea to you

-also offers you to go buy new clothes and chooses shops with a lot of men brands

-when you feel dysphoric about your voice, he doesn't know what to do

-he tries to cheer you up but he feels like shit for not being able to make you feel better and allow yourself to talk more

-when you go silent because you heard how high pitched your voice is once more, he has no idea of what to do exept pulling you into a hug and giving you kisses

-same for when you feel dysphoric about your height. he knows that him being a tall ass ginger doesn't help and feels kinda guilty

-expect a lot of kisses whenever you feel dysphoric about anything. he tries his very best to cheer you up and make you comfortable, and he hopes he's doing a decent job about it

-you feel so thankful to have him as you boyfriend, he is so considerate of your feelings

-when you feel dysphoric about your genitals, he always tells you that he doesn't care about them, and that it doesn't make you less a man than him because of how it looks down there

/mention of sex/ -if you're comfortable enough, he would gladly show you how it doesn't matter that you don't have a penis! would also allow you to dom him to boost your self-confidence (will never admit that he's a switch)

-11/10, the best when you have period cramps, will buy you gender neutral pads/tampons, bring medicines and will give you even more kisses. + bonus point because his body is so warm, it eases your cramps, so he is your hot pillow most of the time

-he's just very supportive and words/physical touch are how he mainly comfort you, but it's not so rare for him to bring snacks and start a cozy netflix date!

-remember, he's hella rich. he could and is willing to pay for any surgery that crosses your mind, any binder you want, your hormones treatment, and your clothes. And if you want to buy them by yourself/don't want them, he will support you and help you to make your like easier

When someone misgenders you/is being transphobic

-oh man, that boy is not chill with people just casually misgendering you or using your deadname

-you've been out for months, and hearing some people just ignoring the fact that you corrected them for the hundred time makes him wonder if they want him to punch their face

-seeing you losing your smile is enough for him to almost jump on the person

-he would probably insult them and tell them to shut the hell up, yelling that you passed very well and that they were assholes

-you have to hold him back from punching them

-he corrects everyone who misgenders you : people in the street, in the train, when buying groceries, the doctor... it's always "sorry but my boyfriend, (Name), is a man" and he doesn't give a hell if he has to say it ten times a day

-he'll get very, very upset everytime people disrespect you like this. if he had the occasion he would probably tell them his thoughts and not it the polite way

-with people just being transphobic on purpose... Well, nothing good will happen to them

-if you're here, he would keep his composure because he knows that you don't want to "make a scene", telling them that their little "opinion" about you is not needed at all

-some lines like "who asked?" or "hmm handsome, do you mind if we go back to the house now? Talking with stupid people is irritating" are very frequent

-sometimes mutters a little "shit i wish i could slice his nasty tongue", with a fake angry smile directed to the man

-when you're not here... he will find a way to beat the shit out of them

-sometimes using words, roasting them to the bone and making sure their disgusting mouth will not be used to insult you again

-sometimes using venus and mars, his two hands, making sure they lose enough teeth to not be able to speak anymore

-big problems need big solutions

-he will never tell you this of course, not wanting you to feel bad or to scold him becaude violence is not the answer

-he always smiles a little when you rant about how that guy who was acting as a transphobic asshole to you some days ago became silent, not daring to look at you

-he makes sure all your colleagues treat you fine and use your right pronouns and name

-and he comforts you the best he can when you're feeling bad because of transphobia and being misgendered

-the boyfriend you deserve!!

With you family

-you're not out to all of your family, and the ones you're out to..

-ajax doesn't like them. like at all

-like, the first time he went to your parents' house, he was quite nervous because he wanted to be accepted as your boyfriend

-you both arrived, and for 15 minutes straight, he was just confused because they kept using your deadname and she/her

-didn't you told them four or five months ago??

-he tried to teach them that what they were doing hurt you, that your name is (Name) and that you're a man

-he put it in very simple terms that even a toddler would understand

-but they kept refusing to acknowledge it

-because they said that they accepted you, but on the other hand, they misgendered you and used your deadname

-and it became clear

-they didn't accepted you

-and ajax has nothing to do with people who don't accept you

-he managed to make you leave the dinner sooner, insisting for two whole hours that you were his amazing boyfriend (Name) when talking about you, and at your house, he told you that he had nothing to do with your family anymore and that you should break the contact

-you both had a fight that night, and when he apologized the next day, he told you that you should do what you wanted but that he would never get along with your family, and he thought that they didn't deserve you

-for months, you decided to keep a bond with your family, trying not to cry everytime they said that you were just being selfish, that it was more difficult for them, that if you wanted them to understand you, you had to understand them first, that you were still the "little girl that grew up in the belly of your mother" who wore pretty dresses and had long hair

-ajax was starting to lose his mind

-finally, you decided that you should do something

-you gave them a last chance, and seeing that they didnt wanted it, you said "see you never", okay not actually like that but that's the spirit

-that was hard but you managed to go through it with ajax's support

-by the way, he has a very supportive family who loves you, and his friends are also your friends so you feel better about not having your family in you life anymore

Random

-he goes to pride walks with you! making sure you bring enough water an sun cream

-he makes you sit on his shoulders as you wave the trans flag

-he buys you plushies with the trans flag colours

-overall, he's just an amazing boyfriend!!

credit : @orionicchaos

#genshin impact #headcanons #lgbtq+#genshin #headcanon #ajax #childe #tartaglia #tartaglia genshin impact #tartaglia x m!reader #childe x m!reader #genshin x m!reader #trans #trans man #ftm #childe genshin impact #tartaglia x trans!m!reader

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banghwa · 2 years

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Tell me your thoughts on all the hyyh dynamics

GLADLY omg ok so. for the sake of not having a post the length of the planet im only gonna go over the main ones but i have Thoughts about the others too. also this got rly long SORRY i have lots to say abt hyyh taejin

yoonkook: they're FINE i guess. yes they're compelling and interesting, especially individually. the vagueness of their relationship i think is whats' most enticing. they're both madly in love with each other but don't know how to deal with it and as a result are just so lost. both trying to prove SOMETHING to each other but neither of them know what exactly. aside from the "will they wont they" of it all it doesnt really get me going personally. it needed to be more petty. i needed more bitterness and resentment. jungkook should have been MEAN. i needed them to be dreaful and dramatic and CHILDISH and guilty.

taejoon: now HERE'S something. they weren't that interesting to me at the start but then i read demian and went crazy and now i think about them so much. theres such a STRUGGLE with them between nihilism and innocence. i think they capture sinclairs' initial struggle in demian so well - like the transition from your 'safe' ignorant childhood to an adult life of pessimism. the two world of good and evil merging into one because namjoon is obviously the nihilist. but then he can't bring himself to come to terms with his needs and his affection or his life and loss of youth. and taehyung is obiously the figure of innocence. but then he kills someone. also the cain and abel complex. "am i my brothers' keeper?"

jihope: they're just so. scream oh my god i dont even know how to put it. they're so tragic. they're both so desperate and hungry and want so bad to be GOOD and perfect....but hoseok never gets close enough and jimin can only watch and yearn for him and to BE like him from afar. they do such stupid shit for each other but they're also the only ones they can be honest around. i really wish we got more of them. and MORE VIOLENT CODEPENDENCY. i wanted less yearning for jimin, more desperation instead. i wanted hoseok hungrier. i find him so interesting specifically, he's so self-aware and yet not. maybe im seeking catharsis on his part because i feel so sad for him but they should have torn each other apart. but at the same time they didn't because they're both just so good and hurt and don't want others to hurt the way they do and i think that too is so . scream. theyre both too good to take it out on each other and impose themselves like that, hoseok especially. but if he did, i think jimin would take it gladly.

taejin: dear fucking god i could write an essay on these two they drive me nuts. did anyone get jesus/judas parallels on their edm kpop lore bingo card? they were so interesting to me before i even read demian, but then after i did . like i CANT stop thinking about them. they are both running away from themselves through trying be righteous. both have broken relationships with their fathers that haunt them no matter what. both have a martyr complex the size of the moon, but it drives one of them into the ground and the other to kill. and like with taejoon, seokjin is so desperate to assert his maturity and prove himself but just . cant let go of his youth. cant stand the idea of his friends suffering while he's gone to make a life of his own. like theres this profound guilt with seokjin and yet he can't connect. it's his life or nothing at all. and its' the same with tae but in this twisted sort of sense; he needs to save those he loves, and for that he kills. dont even get me started on the fukcing DREAMS. everytime i think abt them i think about this scene in the priest that i have posted about on here but i cant find for the life of me but to paraphrase essentially it goes: jesus had it easy, all he had to do was die. judas on the other hand had to sell him out, kill himself, and go down in history as a right dirty bastard - that's real sacrifice. like scream that is so them. also sooooo much doppelganger/narrative swap potential, i think they made good use of it esp in the mvs but could have been more. overall GREAT dynamic i would have just liked it more fucked up.

#sorry this probably is so redundant and makes NO sense. thank u #this felt like shaking the rubbish out of my brain #💌#monieggz #hyyhposting

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hopeymchope · 3 years

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Empathy is being able to understand and feel how others are feeling. Sympathy and compassion is the ability to feel for others. Empathy is not needed to be a good person. You can have 0 empathy and not understand or feel at all how another person is feeling but still feel for them and care about their feelings. I also don’t really like the phrasing of the disorder part. It sounded pretty generalizing and demonizing to people with ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder/Sociopaths), NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) etc. People with those disorders are not inherently bad and the implication that if they’re not “treated” they can’t be trusted is.. not great (the disorder doesn’t make you a bad person, the choices you make can). Not to mention that things like ADHD can cause low/no empathy as well. The main point is, feeling and understanding what another feels is not the important part, showing them respect and kindness is, and a disorder doesn’t cause you to choose to be malicious.

Ugh, this got heavy fast. Sadly, I don't think I'm capable of transitioning over to your perspective. Maybe that's my own failing, but I'll present my understanding of the topics at hand, and you can do with it whatever you like.

Sure, empathy is not the same thing as giving someone sympathy. You can give sympathy to someone's pain and show them kindness without being able to understand what exactly they are feeling. But I do feel like the comprehension that "Oh, this person feels sad in the same way I sometimes feel sad" is incredibly valuable. If you can only view other people's emotions as intrinsically unknowable things because they are outside of your personal experience, that's got to be a pretty difficult place to start building relationships from. Let's just say that being able to have some empathy for others definitely helps.

Is it fair/accurate to link ADHD to a lack of empathy, though? It feels like it'd be easy for someone who doesn't understand the behavior of people with ADHD to make that kind of mistake - to judge them as lacking the ability to relate to others. But not overtly displaying your empathy isn't the same thing as totally lacking in it.

So: APD/Sociopathy. MentalHealth.gov and Health.com define Antisocial Personality Disorder/Sociopathy as "a mental health condition in which a person has a long-term pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others." The Mayo Clinic defines Antisocial Personality Disorder as "a mental disorder in which a person consistently shows no regard for any kind of morality and ignores the rights and feelings of others. People with antisocial personality disorder tend to antagonize, manipulate or treat others harshly or with callous indifference. They also show no guilt or remorse for that behavior."

I can only determine what this is like based upon expert opinion, so I defer to these definitions. I've never known anyone (at least no one confirmed or diagnosed) that had APD. But based upon these descriptions — yes, I do think that people who fit this description and diagnosis need to receive some kind of treatment for their issues. Yes, I think that such individuals are destructive to both themselves and those around them. But I especially don't think they can simply make good choices to change their behavior, because those "choices" are controlled by their brain chemistry. When it comes time for them to try and make a choice, they're at a massive disadvantage. They can't just will themselves into suddenly being better to those around them when their own mind is demanding otherwise. They need help, and they deserve to have it. I'm definitely not trying to criminalize these people, but it sure doesn't sound good for anyone for them to just stay exactly as they "naturally" are.

And I'm... probably not a good person to talk to about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I personally am close to far too many people that have been raised by or formerly married to individuals diagnosed with NPD who are unmedicated and untreated. The abuse that my loved ones have suffered at the hands of people with NPD has absolutely tainted my judgment.

One of those people with NPD was perfectly fine and pleasant to be around as long as he was on his medication. Unfortunately, one day he suddenly decided the "medicine [was] controlling [him]," so he went off of it cold turkey and quickly became horrifically abusive. He then insisted this was his "true self," and he'd never go back. He has not, to date, ever returned to his medication that kept his disorder in check, but he has destroyed every single relationship in his life.\

So yeah, I'm sort of biased against leaving NPD completely untreated just from personal experience.

#asks #anon #difficult topics

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anonil88 · 3 years

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Happier Than Ever by Billie Eilish: live listen review

Not going into it with too many expectations.

Getting Older: I like the lyrics...kind of, um its not a bad song its just not doing it for me as an intro.

I didn't change my number: Love the beat and background vocal mixing but the forward vocals are very punchy in your face. The bass on the back end of this song is kind of insane in a good way. Finneas really be putting his entire foot in his production. This new genre twist ooo chile if he ever starts producing for rnb acts we may have a problem. I hate the abrupt end to the track.

Billie Bossa Nova: The guitar melody that frames the song is the same as Havana by Camilla Cabello. Billie's lyrics are a lost better than Havana in terms of story versus radio playability. That being said this has a lot of radio potential like if I could go back in time this would be on the Gap Playlist in 2005.

My Future: I thought there would be more blending or seamless transition into this song. It may have been there but it was very subtle. Would love to hear Snoh Alegra do a cover of this song. Still really like this song and the lofi inspirations behind it.

Oxytocin: Very reminiscent of the sound from Billie that everyone is used to hearing. Again Finneas be in that studio in his whole bag while making beats. This song is um lyrically....Billie is like I'm an adult y'all. Which technically she is, but the people around her and herself gotta be careful that she is still young. Anywho Billie is using men to her advantage this is pretty clear 🤷‍♀️. Her and Finneas should continue their recent journey of scoring for television and movies. If they ever get to fully score an entire episode of something or a short film I can only imagine that magic.

Goldwing: Billie has been practicing her falsettos and studying some of her favorite rnb singers. The syncopation of her vocals as the beat *chefs kiss*. This is my favorite song. (Was my favorite and then I heard overheated.)

Lost Cause: I'm not a huge fan of this song, it doesn't really do anything new for me. Its missing this umpf and I felt the same way when I saw the music video.

Halley's Comet: This is if Sarah Bareilles and Norah Jones had a baby. Really enjoying the subtle but very nice transition in this song and then the microphone effects on her voice. She fell in love you can hear it on this album. There is also what sounds like a bit of Beatles melody in the songwriting to me. Also you can hear her almost crying on every single line of the main part of this song.

Not my responsibility: This song has to be listened to with headphones. I think this is what was played during her concerts when she did the little reveal. I would not want the pressure she has at 19 to uphold this image while going through all the same stuff we all went through or go through at 19. This includes how we each deal with our own body image.

Overheated: This song really shows how Finneas and Billie bounce off one another. The lyrics are some of the best combination of radio play/replay-ability, and flow, on the album. It really follows the production queues of 90s rnb and early 00s pop where the beat and the lyrics build on one another. It even has a similar bubble like drum that Darkchild used a lot in the 00s but its more muffled under the stacked layers of production. Finneas really makes something sound more simple than it is because if you go into the breakdown of their songs its like over 40 lines of vocals alone at times with more drums and just layers upon layers.

Everybody Dies: Thanks for the depression reminder Billie. This is much more hopeful than her past tracks about depression though. It's like a "this to shall pass" song about depression.

Your Power: IS THIS THE SAME VERSION AS BEFORE? Yes it is haha. This song got so much more hate than it deserved like its really good. Also the mixing with over the ears is very full. It feels like you're in a room and the speakers are all facing you. Also, is it weird to say that a song feels warm because this song feels very warm.

NDA: This song is very honest because she is making people sign NDA's to protect herself. Which its a mess that you can't have a fling or one night stand at that level of success or fame because some people will use it against you. Yes this does make me think how much messy shit is being said or done in Hollywood but no one finds out because of non disclosure agreements. But, this isn't something young stars openly discuss that they do for protection and also so they don't get in trouble. Because unfortunately some people should probably have an NDA on themselves glares at a certain rapper.

Therefore I Am: Yesss the transitions are back !!! Also this song is a bop liked it even when it dropped as a single.

Happier Than Ever: this song is sad and happy and a mix of a lot BUT I would love to hear Billie run forward with a country rock album. The end of this song is so distorted and punchy like Paramore.

Male Fantasy: She's in her Lana era yall she's in her Lana era. Just kidding, but I wonder if Jack Antanoff is sitting here listening to this like 🤨. Yaknow Phoebe Bridgers writing with Billie would actually be super super cool. Phoebe and Co. (I.e. Julien and Lucy) along with Billie's breathiness, ooo thinking that would sound really good. Also the lyrics would physically hurt in a good way.

The album ends a bit too abruptly for my taste but I definitely give this a 3.8/4 out of 5 for sure.

♧ My personal ranking of the tracks from Happier Than Ever by Billie Eilish:

Overheated

Goldwing

Billie Bossa Nova

Everybody Dies

Oxytocin (2:18 to the end)

Happier Than Ever

Billie Bossa Nova

My Future

Your Power (ranking it here because its a really really strong song even if it isn't my favorite)

Therefore I Am

Male Fantasy

Oxytocin (the rest of the song)

Not My responsibility

Halley's Comet

NDA

Lost Cause

Getting Older

#billie eilish #music #liveblog #live listen #happier than ever #album reaction #album review #finneas

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hiimsociallyawkward · 3 years

Text

his father's son

ayoo back again. these are always so much fun to make because otherwise it's me just yelling at my ipad of everything i'm thinking while exercising and singing show tunes and that's never fun. basically, all of my thoughts while watching his fathers son. hi bestie @lady-ofmagic-andstars

IS THIS WHAT I THINKI IT IS

KNIGHT RUNNING?

CAMELOT RED WITH THE CAPE FLUTTERING?

PLEASE

SAL;DFJSADLKFJASLDKFJASLDF

KNIGHT MERLIN

HE ACTUALLY LOOKS SO GOOD HOLY CRAP

ASLJSALFASD AND HIS FACE WHEN THEY FIGURE OUT THAT THAT THIS IS AN ATTACK

STOP THE EPISODE JUST STARTED 🥵🥵🥵

omg merlin is still wearing the cape wtf he looks so good pls bbc have mercy

go away now agravaine.

let me relish in the joy of merlin wearing a cape

damn

you're welcome for this btw 😎😎

stop 😭😭 not arthur thinking that he's not worthy

ok i wish knew arthur knew his destiny but also i know why he can't know but i just don't want him to be sad because he's doubting himself yk???

i actually hate agravaine actually stop i feel like it's harsh but drop dead please 🤪

arthur is so good he just wants peace. agravaine please stop you're making him doubt everything that he is

i wish arthur listened to merlin but after watching this ending i can appreciate it

'i can't just kill a man in cold blood' 🥺🥺

arthur don't push him away he's just trying to help 😪

merlin has his blankie 2x this episode and you better believe that i'm commenting both times

arthur is just. i feel so sad for him sometimes. he's still so young and he has to rule a country now and just-

i get why arthur is doing what he's doing and such but i'm still sad.

alskdjfaslkdfjasdf jeez arthur not knowing abt merlin's magic is just. wow this episode is starting off strong 🤪🤪

ARTHUR DON'T BE MEAN 'stick to what you do know'. i mean. fine i'm just sad. SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I'M SO SAD SO EARLY ON IN THE EPISODE IT JUST GETS WORSE I NEED TO STOP

agravaine please leave now

ok that was hot how arthur walked in after the fact though. 'arthur pendragon. pop off'

arthur just wants peace i'm so sad he doesn't want to kill him but jsalkdfjsal;dkfjasdf

watching spn i watch the beheading a lot so i was expecting it but this is merlin haha

GWEN

WHY IS SHE THE BEST I ACTUALLY LOVE THEM TOGETHER. fvck you agravaine. actually die. please STOp

ok so merlin says 'dont push your friends' and while arthur says that he doesn't need anyone, at least he doesn't say that merlin isn't his friend. it's the little victories 😭

these castles are actually gorgeous

agaravaine please die now. stop

you manipulating arthur by claiming these things will make arthur into a good king is just making me so sad

fricken 'appropritate person' aalskdfj;alskdjfasldf

i literally just want arthur to be happy

dude i'm like 13 mins in and i'm angsting so hard over this

'a matter of the heart'🥺🥺

agaravaine die please :,)))))))

ok i'm so sad for arthur

he's still so young and he has the weight of his entire kingdom on his shoulders. he just wants to be a good king for his citizens and he wants peace and every good thing is just taken from him. he doesn't want to kill caerleon. he wants to marry gwen. and we have FREAKING AGARVAINE. this is why we can't have nice things.

ok the arthur using merlin as a punching bag transitively but also literally?? idk my head is blank. but like; merlin is letting himself be used as a punching bag and also it's his 'duty' to let arthur use him as a punching bag? idk idk thoughts?

stfu i don't want these white old men saying long live the king

pls chill

alright alright morgana

she is actually p good at getting onto annis's side so i'll give her props for that

oh shoot kneeling down to the queen? this is a power move but not a power move yk?

CLOAK

ok this is dumb but i love seeing merlin meander around with his little chores

ok what is bbc thinking when they have the "oh i'd never sleep in a bed with merlin" am i supposed to laugh? well i'm not. alrighty then

gwen :,) look at her in her pretty dress

you're breaking my heart right now arthur

you're BREAKING GWEN'S heart right now arthur

laksdjf;laskdfjasdlfkj I. JUST. WANT. THEM. TO. BE. HAPPY. please i need to read fanfic i'm angsting too hard over this

you tell him gwen. you're a badass and arthur is a sadass

i will not take gwen hate or slander

oh frick i was voted onto my school's hoco court so basically i had to walk across the football field and i felt so awkward and arthur walking down the step while everyone stares at him; i wonder if he feels as awkward as i did

LMAO 'he's not alone gwen' and pan to the arthur standing on a cliff alone?? pls

aw the domesticity 🥺

leon ruffling merlin's hair and that clink was such a good clink

where were these knights last episode. i'm suing

saj;flasjslad and arthur just loking at them fondly pls. he's so sweet i love him

'he's our king' that line makes me feel stuff

arthur sdfsd;as i just want him to be happy

MERLINS BLANKIE. WHY IS HE SO CUTE

bruh 💀 i laughed at the pure absurdity of him tripping over the tent

ok ok you know that vine 'two bros chilling in a hot tub 5 ft apart bc they're not gay?' that but 'two bros, chilling in 2 separate tents 5 ft apart bc they're not gay'

was- was that supposed to be a slap?

arthur is so earnest here and i love him he's the sweetest

sa;ldkfjsldfa arthur being protective over merlin

annis is such a badass. actually queen energy here. literally

merlin saying that they're friends again and arthur not denying it :,))))

these knights are so honorable

stfu agaravaine

'only one person who is just an honorable... ME' - arthur pendragon. HAHA sorry i cackled at this

agaravaine. i stg if you look at morgana like that i'll actually gank you

you absolute freak pervert person

alright ik morgana is evil and everything but i stan her improvement in magic

like- can merlin please get on with learning more magic??

as;dlfkjasdlfkja THE RING. dude i can't rn

merlin saying 'camelot needs you alive', i'm going to say yes.. but also if we swap out 'camelot' with 'i' then this is just a perfect insert line for fanfics :,)

THANK YOU OLD FRIEND. PLS you can't do this to me

aw when arthur asks if merlin is ready and merlin says ready

dude this episode is making me a lot more sad than it should

dude what is annis's champion. like look at his shoes??? they're leather?? literally stab him in the foot and we're golden.

youre welcome for the feet pics ;)

ok idk abt you guys but i can't write fight scenes with swords that well so i just base fights off tv and stuff and if you want inspo this is a great fight to write

legit the first battle with arthur and lancelot in the courtyard? yea i stole that

omg even with the champion is on his knees he's still taller than arthur??

alsjfalskdjasldfkjas ARTHUR AND MERLIN MEETING EACH OTHERS EYES AND ARTHUR NOT KILLING ANNIS'S CHAMPION

dude the trope of 'you make me want to be a better person'?? please i live for this stuff

ok the knights saying long live the king? i love that

alright alright annis&arthur

annis is ACTUALLY queen energy i love her. i love her pop off queen

oh shoot annis hit morgana where it hurts. bring up uther that's right queen

oh yes more castle pics 🥵🥵🥵

a aaw the ceremony for them

merlin and arthur are PALS i love them togehter

stop. there are so many words but i'm so glad they're lads

arthur is lying so awkwardly on that bed HAHA

DUDE THIS IS SO PRETTY AND CUTE AND OH MY FRICKEN ALSKDFJALSDJFASDLFKJASDL. alrighty then

yes arthur you're a dumbass you're lucky that gwen is taking you bad she's a frickin badass biatch who doesn't need you

alright arthur say what you mean why don't you

are we.. are we gonna kiss rn

THE SOUND TRACK PLEASE I LOVE IT. THE ROMANCE SWELL I ACTULALY LOVE IT

THEY'RE SO PRETTY TOGETHER

i love arthur in his night clothes and his bare feet. like that just makes it feel so much more domestic and homely and they love each other and just everything they're actually everything. THEYRE SO CUTE.

ANYWAYS i'll be back next week to endlessly rant about a servant of two masters. thanks i love you bye 😘

#merlin #merlin bbc #arthur pendragon #bradley james #king arthur #gwen #angel coulby #morgana pendragon #katie mcgrath #gaius #agravaine hate squad #richard wilson #colin morgan #emrys #gwaine #lancelot #leon #pervical

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lemonadebloodsworld · 4 years

Text

Tw: ED (??), sh, depression, suicidal thoughts, abuse (??)

So yeah,

It feels weird to come back here even if it's a more recent account. The first time I made a tumblr account was when I was 13 and back then I was already really depressed because of trauma, my relationship with my parents and the fact that they were always saying that I faked being depressed and was just being dramatic and other shitty stuff.

Back then they thought I was a gay girl too but yeah I'm a bi trans boy and it makes everything so damn harder because everytime I try to talk about my mental health my mom just says that it's JUST because I'm trans and I should just be patient and wait to be 18 to start a transition while yes, dysphoria and the fact that my family isn't really supportive make me sad but my mental health has been getting so damn bad.

I've never really been a happy child, my parents divorced when I was 3-4, my mom found my stepdad who has always been an asshole to me and my little brother because we are not his "real" kids and would always yell at us and hit my brother and my mom has always been depressive and mentally ill (Ed, depression and trauma) so she is scared of him ig, anyways, she just never said anything about it, even when she noticed that we were really scared of him.

My bio father was supposed to take us at his place every weekend but after a year he stopped coming and dissappeared for 9 years. At the same time I started to get bullied at school by older kids and some kids in my class and I didn't have any friends because it was a shame for them to be friend with me.

At 11, I have been sexually assaulted by an older kid (he was 15 or something) leaving me with trauma.

At 12 I changed school and found friends, I was so unused to it and ashamed of my past that I spent my time lying to them so they'll like me and think I'm cool, I also started to smoke and drink in secret because I felt so much pain and the intrusive thoughts started to get loud.

At 13 my bio dad came back in my life because he owed a lot of money to my mom and wanted to use us to make my mom feel bad about it. I started self-harming lightly and depression started to settle in but I wasn't really understanding what was going on because the "hypomanic" phases and intrusive thoughts were getting more present causing me to lose the only friends I had and yeah I just didn't understand what the hell was going on. I tried to talk about my mental health to my parents but they told me that I was being dramatic and it's a normal thing to feel bad because I was an adolescent and questioning my identity (I came out as a lesbian back at this time) and decided to just punish me and take my phone away because I was spending too much time alone in my room and didn't do the chores.

At 14 I started to have a lot of anxiety and panic attacks while being in depressive episodes, I started an ed (feeling shameful for eating even a little amount of anything and purging, I don't want to give it any name because I have been diagnosed and yeah), I also began to self-harm more and deeper (still not bad, I don't want to lie for that type of stuff xd), I broke down one day and told everything to my parents (sh, depressive tendencies, smoke, suicidal thoughts etc) and once again they were like "yeah nah it can't be that bad, you just lie to have attention and have an excuse to stay in your room and just being stupid" but my mom saw my arms and thights and then was okay for me to go see a psychologist. So for a year I had the opportunity to talk with a professional who was really amazing, she prescribed me light sleep pills because of my insomnia while in depressive episodes and "hypomanic" (don't have a diagnosis but I have all the symptoms but then again I don't want to self diagnose because it could be wrong and be something else) ones but my mom always refused to give them to me. At the end of the year she wanted an appointment with my mom to talk about my mental health and the importance for me to go see a therapist to be diagnosed (bipolar disorder 2 (she was still questioning it) , anxiety disorder and depression or whatever, she just wanted me to have the help I needed) but then again my mom said no because I was surely just faking it all and I just had to make efforts to be happy. I was so tired of everything and just wanted to feel better so I started to steal my mom depression medication (mostly Xanax and calming pills).

At 15 I met my first serious girlfriend, I fell in love so hard with her and for the first month she really helped me to stop sh, pills, drinking and everything was great until she started to verbally abuse me using my dysphoria and fragile subjects I told her about (she would say that I'm annoying and selfish for always feeling bad and that u was too sensitive and not a real boy if I cried) once I wasn't agreeing with her, slap and hit me if I said something she wasn't okay with or when I would have anxiety attacks or talk to her about my suicidal thoughts while in depressive episodes and yeah she used me like if I was a dog, if she wanted something or think in some way I would have to give her or do whatever she wanted or I would get threatened, insulted or ignored for a long time or other icky stuff. After 6 months of making me feel guilty for not letting her touch me in a sexual way she one day decided to start taking advantage of me while I wasn't in the appropriate head space or without my consent and then making fun of my body and making comments about the way I look. She in fact, made me really anxious and feel bad and it made me start to binge eat, at the end of the year my weight was 78 kg, before our relationship I was 59 kg, people noticed it but just told me to stop eating and go on a diet.

At 17 (this year) I finally broke up even if she asked me to do it because she didn't want to be seen as the mean one for letting me while I was clearly depressed. It was hard but I could finally meet new people or get back with people she didn't wanted me to talk to (especially my amazing actual partner and my bestfriend) who helped me a lot realizing all the shit she did to me and they have been amazing at making me feel loved and cared for and to be honest I don't think I would be there if they weren't in my life right now.

Now my mental health is just fucked. Like I said when I broke up with my abusive ex I had gained almost 20 kg and it reminded me all the bully I've been through as a kid (they most of the time used the fact I was overweight to bully me) so I started to starve myself or purge if I felt like I ate too much (I started to count calories) I was at 78 kg at the start and in 2 weeks I was at 65kg, it was during quarantine so i didn't have any friend or people noticing what I was doing or see me fainting. I started to drink almost everyday and smoke a lot.

In June I got in a relationship with my actual partner and to be honest it's the only good point I can find this year. They (genderfluid) are an angel and I just don't know what I would do without them, they help me a lot even if they are struggling with mental illness themself and anyone has ever cared for me and made me feel so loved before. Today it's been 4 months officially and it makes me feel happy and I just want it to never stop. My mental health is at its worst, I've been having a lot of intrusive thoughts, i have a self destructive comportement, in September I started to sh again (a lot deeper) after 2 years clean, I often call them in the middle of the night (well in the middle of the day for them cause I'm in Belgium and they are in Texas) because of really bad dreams and suicidal thoughts, I am bullied and made fun of by the people in my class for being trans and having a different style (alt-grunge), I barely eat or purge if I try to have a meal, I have these "hypomanic" phases that make me getting really angry at nothing and do a lot of stupid shit because I feel invincible and better than anyone, almost godly and yet they never made me feel like I was a burden or like I should just stfu or like I was being dramatic and they are actually the first person believing me and not saying I fake everything.

I am struggling and it becomes so damn hard to live but I will do my best not to give up and just keep on fighting for them and maybe try to recover and seek for help when I turn 18. I already try to make little steps and stop self harming, drinking too much energy drink XDD so yeah let's just try and be positive I guess.

Sorry its actually so damn long hhh I don't even know if i will post It one day or keep it as a draft eheh I hate venting

#ed vent #vent text #tw depressing stuff #tw eating stuff #trauma #ventcore #traumacore #long ass rant #tw self destruction #self harrrm #tw self destructive behavior

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punkscowardschampions · 4 years

Text

Jac & Savannah

Jac: Cannot stop thinking about that one dress in that last boutique we checked out though... Jac: so lowkey mad at Isabelle for having to go home to walk her dog 🙄😩 Savannah: UGH I know! Don't get me started yet again on how her mum is literally never there to do anything for it & they don't even have a garden Savannah: I'll go back & get it for you, she can't stop me Savannah: I have less than zero reasons to hurry home Jac: Lowkey like, who do I call again? 😬 Jac: the poor thing, as if breathing wasn't issue enough without having to contend with getting overweight and her mum's vape habit Jac: You're so pure 🥺🥺 Jac: and I'm personally not over seeing you in that one shade of pink like ??? Jac: 👼🏾 walking Savannah: ^^^ the levels of cruelty make my heart hurt, honestly 😢 but I won't get to Heaven until I convince them to see the error of their ways & that is a battle I simply do not have the energy for today Savannah: you could literally wear that AWFUL dress that Isabelle was considering- thank god we talked her out of that much! 🙌🏾- & still look like an actual goddess Jac: Seriously, I don't know how they can live with themselves Jac: that would be their business, because I'm not as caring as you, or even close, but the fact it hurts you means it's mine too 😤 Jac: actually though, would have had to pretend to not know her, oh my God Jac: not to mention how short it was, as well as just hideous...like this is a SCHOOL event, girl, I... 🤦 Jac: it does mean we're scheduled to help her keep looking though Jac: which is becoming a trial, like I'm so sorry to say but wow Savannah: I likewise don't have the necessary reserves to try and teach her the difference between positive & negative attention Savannah: Can Amelia not help her look? I highly doubt her wardrobe is fully stocked with suitable school event dresses so surely she still needs to keep looking too? Jac: That's a whole conversation her mother should be having with her but also needs Jac: sad, really Jac: Poor, poor Is Jac: Meels is a committed outfit repeater, no matter the occasion Savannah: She can't wear jeans to this though Jac: 🙄 I've also tried on that subject Jac: it'll just become a whole THING Jac: us trying to sort both of them out and getting nowhere with our own looks Savannah: 😔 I'm exhausted by their indecision, it's taking the excitement out of it Savannah: I understand that they can't and don't feel themselves in just anything, but it's getting ridiculous Jac: ^^ Totally agree Jac: although us being on the same page is not anything like a surprise these days Jac: it's so unfair, really Jac: they're not even THAT bothered about the whole thing Jac: we've put effort in before this whole step even Savannah: I knew you'd understand, despite feeling like I'm the one who is being totally unfair by saying anything, the rational part of my mind which isn't on the verge of tears as a result of Is' complaints or Amelia's apathy is like no, Savannah, you're not wrong Savannah: it does matter to us & it's allowed to be viewed as important Savannah: not to mention enjoyable, god forbid Jac: You NEVER need to doubt yourself Jac: you're a complete empath, honestly, to your own detriment Jac: but that isn't your fault and people should try to give even a fraction of what you give them back Jac: so, for your wellbeing, I'm calling a time-out on this and them Jac: you've got to focus on you for once ❤ Savannah: I can't tell you how wholeheartedly I wish I was the person you think I am, Ty & I had a HUGE fight earlier & I've been plagued by self doubt ever since Jac: Oh no, okay, what was said? Savannah: He seemed to think that we had plans today, which is not a conversation I remember us having, so of course I wasn't going to cancel on you all Savannah: & that makes me the most thoughtless girlfriend he's ever had Savannah: I'm so sorry the girl you dated for like two weeks dropped everything without a second thought if you even hinted that you wanted her too because she didn't have a life Savannah: they broke up for that exact reason Jac: He's totally got the wrong day Jac: you don't double-book Jac: not dragging him, he's clearly just so busy with his own stuff too but yeah, no way Jac: he'll work it out and owe you a great apology Savannah: it was beyond upsetting, I swear I need a mental health break from everyone but you Jac: I get it Jac: no boy drama but my family are driving me INSANE right now Jac: I vote we go test 💅 colours and get a hand massage to boot Savannah: Can we? I don't want to be responsible for causing you more family drama Jac: Ugh, no, they're fine Jac: and you're more important than any of this drama, Is and Amelia's too Savannah: ^^ I don't care how hard Ty is sulking, I'm not going to leave you to cope with them on your own Savannah: you needed my help first Jac: Like, he can't put that on you Savannah: he's never spoken to me that way before & I have no idea where it came from Jac: Is he under a lot of pressure right now, on the team? Jac: or at home, school Jac: either way, the issue is not with you, and he probably knows that already Savannah: No, everything's going really well Jac: 🤔 Savannah: It's me, it has to be Jac: You've not done what he's saying you have Jac: accusing would be too strong a word but Jac: we'll work it out but I'm totally clueless right now Savannah: me too 😢 Jac: Lowkey mad at him now Savannah: I shouldn't have even said anything, I told myself that I wasn't going to Savannah: but then Isabelle & Amelia started sulking too & it brought it all back Jac: No, I want to be there for you Jac: and make you feel better Jac: which I definitely will Jac: but I just can't explain away why he's being like this 🥺😢 Jac: and I wish I could Savannah: You'll definitely make me cry, you're the best Savannah: he was acting as though I don't make time for him, which is not true, but if it were, the reason would be that nobody deserves as much of it as you Jac: making you cry doesn't sound like something the best would do Jac: you've got to have your own lives, own friends Jac: you do NOT wanna be THAT couple Savannah: if you don't want my tears because I couldn't be happier to have found the love of my life, I'll keep them in, since they are yours, it's totally fine Savannah: yes, exactly & he knows that, he has more friends than extra-curriculars & he has as many of those as I do Savannah: it doesn't make any sense Jac: I will treasure them Jac: and make sure they never, ever spill for anything less than the happiest of moments, because that is all you deserve Jac: I could talk to him...totally on the low and in the most well-intentioned way Jac: maybe it's something he doesn't want to burden you with? but he has accidentally burdened you with this doubt and worry instead Savannah: 🥰🤗 Savannah: you'd do that? Jac: Of course! Jac: You're my soul sister, so I hope Ty at least considers me a friend too at this point Jac: he's going to have to get used to having me around 😅 Savannah: if he doesn't we have a bigger problem than I thought because I love you so much Savannah: & I will run away with you if anyone ever tries to make me choose 😄 Jac: He's smart, he's not gonna do that Jac: though honestly, I could do with the break right now, would not say no Savannah: maybe we could have one, it's essentially my right as a child of a broken home to play my parents off against each other Savannah: & if my dad is foolish enough to believe he can buy back any of my love or respect after what he's done, why should I feel bad for treating him like one Savannah: I refuse to, I do need to focus on myself Jac: In terms of making-up-to-do, he's in the lead no question, or so far behind everyone else, looking at it that way Jac: I think it would be the most appropriate way to end transition year Jac: God knows if my parents would go for it 🙄 Savannah: I'll talk to them, I've never lost a debate so far & I couldn't be any more well intentioned, my heart is in the exact right place Jac: 👼🏾🥰 Jac: next year is when everything gets REAL Jac: we need the holiday we are NOT going to get until...I don't even want to think about the next time we'll be able to take a real break after this Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: whatever I have to do to make it happen & be perfect, so be it Jac: the salon is the EXACT right place to plan all this Jac: all the inane questions they ask about your holidays will actually be useful for once 🤭 Savannah: 😄 Jac: This is like, just a you and me thing, right? Savannah: of course Jac: Okay because helping Isabelle pick bikinis is the opposite of fun 😂 Savannah: oh my god, I don't even want to imagine Jac: if the dress breakdowns aren't bad enough Jac: we'd be so stressed we'd be put on the no-fly list, honestly Savannah: Amelia would probably throw my body into the sea, weighted down by rocks or Isabelle's dog, I swear she hates me Jac: How could anyone hate you? Jac: and she's friends with me, so her taste can't be THAT off Savannah: we won't mention that she's also friends with Is Savannah: any excuse to talk about how perfect you are instead Jac: I seriously think if we wouldn't, who would 😶 Jac: you'll make me 😳 Savannah: OH! The tans we'll both get Savannah: you'll be sightseeing & I'll just be staring at you in disbelief because you somehow got even more beautiful Jac: Oh please Jac: you're so stunning they'd be running to write new laws just to make it illegal how good you look Savannah: stop, nobody can see me 😳 but I still feel it Savannah: it should be illegal how you make me feel Jac: sorry, but a world where you don't know and aren't told how perfect you are is just not one I wanna live in 💁 Savannah: I don't deserve you, all I've done today is mope & wish your friends away so that I can have you all to myself Jac: We deserve each other Jac: if I didn't have you, who would I be able to get excited about this with? Jac: I'd be going on my own, most likely Savannah: okay, you're right Jac: I just get sad thinking about all the time we weren't friends and didn't know each other properly before Savannah: No, don't be sad, baby, we trust in the universe because it was meant to be now not then Savannah: lord knows I needed my glow up before I could be around you Savannah: 👼🏻✨🌞💛 Jac: That's true Jac: I'm more thankful that we have NOW and the promise of forever than I could ever be sad Jac: definitely not ignoring how blessed I am Jac: also blessed that my hair grew back in and I lost the puppy fat look 😬🤦 Savannah: I stand by what I said when I first saw the pictures Savannah: you were ADORABLE Jac: you're too sweet but I'm not gonna complain about it 🥰 Savannah: It's true & you know that because I would never jeopardise our connection Savannah: you're the only person I can talk to with total honesty, it's so important to me Jac: I only feel like myself with you Jac: no one else gets it all Savannah: I feel like a better person when I'm with you Savannah: but with none of the pressure that my parents put on me not to fail or the fear I have of letting Ty down Jac: You're the best person Jac: if all I do is give you the confidence to believe that, then that's totally worth it Savannah: You're going to achieve everything you want Jac: I can't wait to be Dr Taylor to your Dr Moore Savannah: 😊 Savannah: I'll be there to make sure every second of your life is worth it until then & of course after Jac: Naturally ❤ Jac: have you seen the groupchat? Savannah: please don't judge me for not having opened it Jac: I couldn't even when I'm just sat here like 🤨😑 Jac: Is has sent a million links and they seem to be getting worse every one I open ??? Savannah: Well I can't face that until later when I'm 🛀🏾🥂 Savannah: not that I'll be staying at Ty's unless he apologises to me Jac: You can always stay with me Savannah: I don't think any of your family would be fine about the always, but I wish I could Jac: They'll deal, I have to put up with all of them so 💁 Jac: I'm trying to persuade them to move the sofa bed from the hangout area to the music room, make it more of a spare room too, more privacy Jac: it's not fair that Jesse has a whole room with all his crap in, there's plenty of space in said hangout room for him Savannah: 😄 I'm sure we could win that debate too, I definitely have as much passion about the subject as you if it means I don't have to go home Savannah: it's impossible to 🛀🏾🥂 when my mum is mid-breakdown in her en-suite Jac: 😬😥 Jac: she needs to convert the passion she had for couples therapy for solo therapy now Savannah: Honestly! It's a full time job making sure she's adequately but not over medicated & if I'm worrying about it I know Sienna is Savannah: I have to unlock the door to let her in & before I know it I'm re-doing her braids or checking her homework, all the while my bath water is going cold Jac: You're actually such a good sister, and daughter Jac: In awe of you Jac: I wish you didn't have to work as hard as you do, but it's really admirable Savannah: like, so sorry that you had to go home to walk your dog, Isabelle 🙄 it's no wonder she doesn't understand me Jac: She doesn't even try Jac: she lives on planet Is where the most important thing is which bland boy she's going to get off with next Jac: I can't claim so many of your experiences and struggles but I respect the hell out of you, and try to make your life easier where and when I can Savannah: oh my god, the boy from the other night! I can't Jac: 🤢 Jac: her taste! Jac: worrying Jac: ugly dresses are the least of her problems Jac: I feel like I can't leave her alone sometimes, honestly Savannah: if this thing with Ty is leading to a break up I refuse to date any of the boys in our school Savannah: that would be another full time job working out which of them have & haven't done what with her & when Jac: tell me about it 🙄 Jac: they're all so lacklustre Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: we know our worth & we're simply too good for any of them unless they have a serious emotional glow up of their own Jac: Mhmm Jac: Ty is never gonna break up with you though Savannah: I don't know anymore, I never thought he would raise his voice to me Jac: That's pretty out of order Jac: he knows about your dad, what he's like Savannah: & it's really out of character too Jac: Yeah, totally Jac: men and anger issues are a whole can of worms Jac: there's something he isn't dealing with, for sure Savannah: or something he's not telling me Savannah: I just hope it's not a someone Jac: who could even come close to you? Jac: he's not that cliche of having the perfect girl and risking it on some skank Savannah: Logically I know that but I'm so scared Jac: Babe 🥺 Jac: you NEED to put you first, even just for the length of this nail appointment Jac: you don't need this extra stress from him Jac: I've started the convo, you can read it all once we get to the meat of it Savannah: I just want to be excited about 💅🏾 & all the iconic outfits we saw Savannah: it's SO unfair Jac: I hate this Jac: I wish I could take you away right now Savannah: you do, I'd be even more a wreck if you weren't the amazingly intuitive person you are, earlier without even having to be told I was upset you made me feel better over and over again Savannah: and right now you know what I need, way before I can put it into words or coherent thoughts Jac: we trust the connection too 💫💐💞 Savannah: I love you Savannah: I'm not devoting time & space to anyone else today, from this point on Jac: and we're definitely getting lunch after, my treat Savannah: no, mine Savannah: you've already been taking such good care of me Jac: Okay, but we will be going [place] and I will be getting you your favourite dessert Jac: no arguments 😘 Savannah: Okay, I won't fight you on it Jac: there are so many more important, and fun, decisions for us to make Savannah: ^^^!! Savannah: is Is still trying to force you to make outfit decisions for her though? Jac: I've said we've got more pressing matters right now Jac: I've made it sound like a me issue though, don't worry Jac: they'll have to cope without us for a while Savannah: Thank you, I can't cope with their relationship advice at the best of times Jac: Yeah, there's less than zero chance they'd have anything useful to say so Jac: they don't need to know Savannah: We won't tell them about the holiday plans either, that way you'll have a nice secret to keep as well as my stupid boyfriend drama Jac: to secrets 🥂 Savannah: 🥂 Savannah: Are you still thinking about that dress or have I ruined everything? Jac: You could never ruin anything with me Jac: so yes Jac: but I'm also remembering that other shop we didn't even get a chance to check out Savannah: their window display is INCREDIBLE ✨ Savannah: we should go Jac: I KNOW Jac: I've been window shopping every time I go past Jac: and to be fair, I think it's a bit out of Isabelle's price range, so it actually wouldn't be nice to take her there Savannah: the universe has spoken, I'm taking you there, our secret Jac: 🥰 Jac: I swear I only have fun when I'm with you Savannah: you're so much fun that nobody considers you might not be having any, but I promise I'll always think about you & what you need Jac: You'll make me cry now Savannah: Baby, no 🥺 if you start you'll set me off again Savannah: I'm a really ugly crier & you look like an 👼🏻 Jac: Okay, okay, no crying Jac: we'll stay flawless Savannah: that's harder work for me than it could ever be for you, but I'll do my best Jac: You're the most perfect person I've ever known Jac: inside and out Savannah: I feel that way about you, I'm not just saying it like, oh sure, me too Savannah: you're so perfect I should hate you Jac: Yeah, I know Jac: sorta been there done that Jac: not that I ever hated you really Savannah: I couldn't Jac: No, in the way how perfect you are SHOULD be impossible, that's how hating you felt Savannah: that's it exactly Savannah: & I just wanted you to notice me, I'd wait all day sometimes, getting more extra about everything Jac: It was like, I should've been mad at you but I could only ever be impressed Savannah: Well, I can't lie, I'm glad because I've never worked that hard for anyone before Savannah: it'd be super awkward if I failed Jac: 😅 Jac: I'm flattered Jac: how many boys wish, like Savannah: of course, but boys are easy Jac: duh, if you need to try then you've got bigger problems Savannah: I don't understand what Amelia's is, a smile & a hair flip & she could be dating anyone in our year Jac: Yeah, me either Jac: maybe she's had the same 💭 about Isabelle's seconds Savannah: 😄 Savannah: at this point I'm seriously expecting her to come out as asexual Jac: 🤔 maybe you're onto something Savannah: I do have good instincts for these things Jac: True Savannah: one of Sienna's friends is & nobody's been anything but really supportive about it Savannah: her year group are so sweet though Savannah: I was not like that a year ago Jac: Awh Jac: yeah, she knows we'd all support her Jac: and no one is going to say anything to her Jac: no one with half a brain cell anyway Savannah: & even if things were said it'd be no worse than what they say about her now Jac: Facts Jac: I don't know if she 1. genuinely doesn't hear 2. pretends not to or 3. seriously doesn't care Savannah: & you know her better than anyone so if you aren't sure she probably isn't either Jac: 😕 Jac: if she gave any indication, I'd do everything to help her Savannah: I know you would Savannah: I'm honestly so jealous of how close you two are & have been for like, ever Jac: but we're just as close now Savannah: I can't help but envy all the shared history you have though, all the pictures & stories that I'm obviously left out of Savannah: I shouldn't think like that, I know Savannah: but sometimes it does get to me, even though I try & be a better person than that Jac: We're going to make so many memories together though Jac: from now 'til forever Savannah: of course we are Savannah: it's no wonder he also accused me of being over sensitive, that one is very clearly true Jac: people just say that when they don't want to make allowances for other people's inconvenient feelings Jac: you can feel that, and I feel it too Jac: I wish you had been there Savannah: it just feels like she brings up all these past anecdotes as often as she does to try & leave me out Savannah: but maybe she doesn't realise how much it hurts me Jac: I'm sure she doesn't, but I'll make extra effort to clock it and get her to chill now Jac: we don't need to dwell on the past, especially at our age 🙄 Savannah: I don't want to cause friction, I can totally understand her wanting to reminisce, if we'd known each other then, I'd be the same Savannah: I talk & think about you literally all the time as it is Jac: Not even Jac: I don't want you feeling left out, or anyone Savannah: you would never Jac: you're so important to me Savannah: you've always let me know that Jac: 🥰 Savannah: I don't know how I would cope with anything that's going on in my life right now without you Savannah: I didn't even realise how badly I needed someone to talk to Jac: You look after everyone, you need someone to look after you Savannah: I can't rely on anyone to do that though Jac: me 🙋 Savannah: you can't leave me ever, I swear I'll go crazier than my mother Jac: I never will Jac: I promise Savannah: okay, I'm yours to look after then Jac: I can cope with that 😄 Savannah: you've definitely handled me at my worst, I haven't forgotten my bathroom breakdown, trust me Savannah: the embarrassment will last forever Jac: it so easily could have been me Jac: and maybe I wouldn't have had the courage to ever reach out if not, frame it like that Savannah: No, I hate that Jac: Okay, but no embarrassment either Jac: because you're the strongest person I know, and nothing I've learnt about you has changed that opinion Savannah: Well, I think you're the bravest & I fully believe you'll always find the courage to do whatever you want Jac: 🤞 Jac: I've got a lot of things I want and intend to do Savannah: 👏🏾 Yes girl! Savannah: I can't wait for transition year to be over Jac: Ugh, I know Jac: on the one hand, LOVE the extra opportunities and learning experiences they simply do not bother with the rest of the time Jac: but the other half is having to do lessons I have NO intention of carrying on with, which is just, pointless Savannah: ^^^^^^^^^ Savannah: my auntie was complaining at me as if it was OPTIONAL & I CHOSE it, excuse me Jac: Ha! 🙄 Jac: we all know it's meant to be in theory Jac: but if you don't go to a school with a high teacher to child ratio, with the budget and time to care about tailoring the learning experience to each child...then you're gonna have to do it with the rest, like it or lump it Savannah: She's a product of the American school system, there is zero place for her criticism Jac: and I- 😶 Jac: even our worst school would be preferable I'm sorry 😂 Savannah: Right?! Jac: Compared to the English and American systems, except maybe the super-elite English ones, I feel like we're still going to be at an advantage when we go to Uni Savannah: Agreed Savannah: even this year we've totally made the most of so far Jac: You've got to Jac: or you'll end up with a mediocre life and what is the point in even living Savannah: Ugh, exactly Savannah: I can already tell who is going to end up living like that Jac: I know right Jac: like, sorry to break it to you, but they're called FORMATIVE years for a reason Savannah: mhmmmm Jac: you can still have fun without ruining your life and future Jac: you just have to work hard too and some people are simply too lazy 💁 Savannah: ^^ we manage to have it all Savannah: I'm not sorry if they don't want it enough to secure it for themselves Jac: Exactly Jac: can't be sorry for you if you chose to act that way Jac: maybe some of them will turn it around years down the line but it'll be so much harder than if they'd put the work in when they were meant to Savannah: It breaks my heart that everybody doesn't have you to guide & hype them Jac: Only you deserve me though, that's the truth of it Savannah: I'm willing to work at that for the rest of my life too so Jac: 🥺 Jac: Ugh, I just love you Jac: you've really solidified all my life choices, if that makes sense Jac: like I know now everything I want is exactly what I need too Savannah: It makes perfect sense & I feel it too Jac: Thank God you do Savannah: My family are always pushing me to go to Trinity, they don't understand at all Jac: like, yeah, it's a good Uni, but we've done Dublin Jac: it's also the point of Uni to expand your horizons, put roots down somewhere else Jac: your hometown and Uni town are NOT meant to be the same Savannah: ^^ thank you Savannah: Sienna is the only one whose opinion is valid because I will be leaving her here alone for a year before she can go wherever she decides to & she'll actually miss me Savannah: my parents just want to control me Jac: Right, you aren't being selfish about it Jac: it's because you're too useful to them, like you said, looking after Sienna and your mum Jac: but those are actually both jobs your dad took on when he got married and made a family so Jac: he still has to deal with them Savannah: He gets to literally walk out but god forbid I take the next step in my life Jac: Right, he has to realize you are not a surrogate carer Jac: and that sorting those things out will always be his responsibility Savannah: He takes no responsibility for abandoning us never mind the fact that he spent years emotionally destroying my mum & then walking out when he didn't like who she became Jac: He's going to have to face his blame one day Jac: if nothing else, he does love you and Sienna, he wouldn't let anything really bad happen to you two Savannah: I don't feel loved, I feel like he decided none of us were good enough Savannah: maybe I'm too much like her for him to handle too Jac: I hate that he's made you feel like that Jac: but if anything, that shows failure on his part, not yours Jac: you're brilliant and loving and you're still there, even though it's so much for you to handle Jac: you don't need him, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be held accountable right now, and that it's shit that he isn't stepping up Savannah: I hate him & I can't stand that he's made me carry hate in my heart when that isn't who I want to be Jac: Oh, Sav Jac: you wouldn't hold negative feelings towards him if he wasn't giving you that energy first Jac: you're never a doormat, again, it shows you're strong Savannah: Don't let me be with Ty, okay? Jac: Promise Savannah: Throw my phone into the 🛀🏾 if you have to, I'll forgive you Jac: 😅 I've got it in writing Savannah: 😄 Jac: would never drop it in 🥂 Jac: such a waste Savannah: Lord no, I need the full 🍾 Jac: 🙌 I can get behind that Jac: it's been a DAY Savannah: it had it's genuine 🙌🏾 moments nevertheless, because of & featuring you Savannah: I've looked at the pictures so many times, I CANNOT believe you really look like that Jac: 😳 says you Savannah: yes & I'm going to keep saying it until it sinks in for both of us that you're the most beautiful person that has ever existed because I'm hoping that if it does for me, at least, whatever dress you choose won't take my breath away as soon as I see you in it Savannah: otherwise you'll be trying to twirl but also having to catch me as I legitimately faint Jac: you'll have to not kill me before then or I won't be any use to anyone Jac: just a blushy mess on the floor Savannah: that isn't fair, on the one hand, you can't die, I need you, but on the other that sounds ADORABLE Jac: it's unfair how much of an 👼🏾 you are to me but I don't wanna share so Savannah: pink is one of my favourite colours, you know this & you wear it so well 🌺😳🌷 Jac: I'll wear it for you Jac: even if I don't go for that dress Jac: I wonder if we can get corsages or is that too extra 🤔 Savannah: I'll get that dress if it makes you happy, I'll wear anything you want me to, including a corsage Savannah: there is no such thing as too extra when you're talking about 🌷 🌹 🌺 🌸 🌼 🌻 Jac: my sentiments exactly 😄😄 Jac: I don't think Amelia will wear one Jac: but we can get them Jac: we can get our birth flowers and favourites and it'll be so cute Savannah: It should be an us thing, the holiday is so far away Jac: ^^ and it's more our vibe Jac: doesn't go with a short dress or jeans, really Savannah: 😄 Jac: I've got some books I need to return to the library, do you wanna meet at that little coffee place by there? Savannah: how many books? If you need help carrying them all I'll meet you at the library Jac: love the romcom fantasy 😅 Jac: you know me, there's a few... 😬 Savannah: 😊 I'll be right there, baby Savannah: no more struggles today Jac: ❤❤✨ Savannah: 🥰

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