#it Hurts due to kin associations as well

[a-s-h-f-l-a-m-e]

the pain is fresh as the first day

.

It won’t ever stop hurting, will it?

it will always be there - A reminder

a tornado. a tidal wave.

the cold shards dig deeper.

Fear, guilt, anger all wrapped up in one

... past life memories, cheriished? yes - and now, because of ...

.

- now Tainted? also yes

does it make me feel even Worse ? due to things that happened ? 100x

I do not want to think . to feel .I feel sick. and scared . theres a reason i run away . theres a reason i avoid thinking too deeply about it . theres a reason i dont want to be alone with my own fucking thougfts

i want to claw at my skin.

[starstruckwillows]

♡ try again - f.w ♡

requested by @reasontobebeautiful <3

fred weasley x slytherin!reader, pureblood!reader, platonic!sirius black x reader, hurt/comfort, angst, fluff, swearing

sirius black ensuring fred weasley doesn't make the same mistakes he saw many war-stricken kids make

there’d been a cruel edge to his words that he hadn’t quite meant.

fred’s scathing indictment of your family wasn’t any different to the things you usually said about your kin, and it didn’t bother you for others to agree. but to be part of that perception was probably your worst fear.

you’d been so excited turning up at the doorstep of grimmauld place, suitcase in hand, bright beam gracing your face.

fred had frowned. he’d been ignoring the way your smile made him feel for a long time.

“why are we having death-eaters round for christmas dinner?”

molly had scolded her son then, “george! i mean, fred!”

he’d rolled his eyes, mumbling, “might as well get her whole family out and kill some muggles for the christmas spirit.”

it was the association. your family were one way, you must be too.

maybe that’s how it was for the weasleys, at least four generations of ginger gryffindors shooting for the stars in their respective fields. ministry, dragons, pranks, quidditch.

maybe that’s how it looked for you, at least four generations of slytherins serving whichever tyrannical supremacist reigned at the time.

you found a lot of your time was spent trying to convince people that wasn’t you. but gina lomotey, whose dad had once punched professor snape, didn’t have to walk around assuring people she didn’t attack teachers. and kosi berry, whose parents had a short lived music career, never had to explain she had no interest in singing.

reene west’s mum hijacked a broom race, ford green’s dad did a stint in muggle prison, carson denny’s eldest brother lived full time in st mungos due to an unhealthy obsession with lions.

none of them faced half the crap you did for their bloodlines.

sirius had come to see you, heard you vent about this once again.

“and it’s almost like... i mean i’m not saying you had it easier, you didn’t, it was worse for you in different ways. but, it’s like i have to work so hard to prove i don’t have my families prejudice, because i am a slytherin. you had the argument of a different house to help your case, in school anyway. but i wear the same colour robes my family did, so people never believe me.”

somehow your feelings for fred were brought to the surface of the conversation. maybe that’s what made it harder.

“i’m so tired of having to make them believe me. i’m not a bad person.”

so you didn’t grovel, and try to prove your innocence, because you were well and truly tired of being pre-judged. it wasn’t as if the two of you met on a battlefield. sirius had invited you here. dumbledore approved, he trusted you. you’d never given fred a reason to dislike you.

the boy in question, banished to the other side of the house by his own anger (and shame), was glowering at a wall.

his mum told him his response had been impolite. george told him he was smack out of line.

he knew they were right.

especially when sirius, a man fred had got on with well, had knocked on the door, greeting him with a slight scowl.

“i want you to apologize.”

no beating around the bush.

“i’m not sorry.” lie. you sound like a petulant child.

“yes you are.”

fred blinked.

“i am old enough to recognize the feelings of teenagers. i spent seven years watching my friends fall in and out and in again with love. i watched james pine for lily, i watched them fight. i watched marlene and dorcas take five years to get over their differences.”

fred jested, "sounds creepy.”

sirius smiled, but continued his story, “do you know what marlene and dorcas’ main difference was?"

he shrugged.

“marlene was a gryffindor, dorcas a slytherin, and it took them a good fraction of their lives to move past that. they died young. they spent more time denying their feelings for a school, house rivarly, than the time they got to spend loving each other. we’re approaching a war again, kid. don’t repeat their mistakes. take it from me.”

fred remained uncharacteristically silent for a few minutes, and although it was unsettling, sirius stayed. it was clear the boy had questions.

“your family were death-eaters.”

sirius nodded.

“but they rejected you, for being in the wrong house.”

“correct.”

“if... you’d been a slytherin, and they accepted you... would you have rebelled? or would you have become a death-eater.”

sirius shrugged, “i know why you’re asking, but i have no answer for you. if i was in a different house, i would have a different character, and any alternate character would mean very different decisions. all i can tell you is i know her. you don’t, yet. she is not her bloodline. she's cunning, and ambitious, but her ambition is not to participate in genocide. talk to her. you might be surprised at what you find.”

fred had made up his mind. sirius was right, and he wanted to know you. he wanted to see your stupidly pretty smile, he wanted to cause it, and he wanted to know your favourite things. he wanted to know what made you feel, what made you sleep. he wanted to talk to you.

which proved incessantly difficult, because you were avoiding him like dragonpox. every once in a while, he would catch your eye and you'd blink rapidly before looking away, fiddling with your sleeves.

christmas day rolled around a few days on, and fred still had yet to successfully get you alone. as everyone begun unwrapping their presents, he was only staring at you, waiting for a reaction, hoping you'd know the unlabelled gift was from him.

you did, eyes widening and shooting up to find him in the room, visibly taken aback.

“do you like it?” he mouthed, tilting his head as the firm grip of insecurity tightened his chest.

with your lips slightly parted in surprise, you nodded your head. the same feeling lay at the base of your heart, wondering if it was going to turn out to be a prank.

he jerked his chin towards the kitchen, question in his eyes, and tried to not take your hesitation to heart. especially as you stood up and walked his line of sight. when he was sure nobody else was paying attention, he followed you.

“hey...” he rubbed the back of his neck, the awkwardness between you heavy in the air.

but fred was fred and he still kept eye contact, a steady voice, an easy stance.

“i’m sorry.”

you shrug, “okay.”

the word is uttered so nonchalantly, as though your stomach wasn’t erupting with unruly butterflies.

“do you... could you forgive me?”

“maybe. if you mean it.”

he nodded, “i do. i’d like to know you, actually know you, not think i do.”

“i’d like that.”

—

taglist:

@anordinarymuse @ell0ra-br3kk3r @kingshitonly

[professor-doctor-doctor]

Since everyone is posting about their headcanons and OCs, here’s…the closest I have to an OC?

The Shindo brothers, in childhood. Matsuzo, at the top, is the name I gave to Heiji’s nameless older brother in the first episode. Takeshi is technically an OC—both Heiji and Matsuzo appear in the final show, but Takeshi does not. This is intentional. Takeshi did not live into adulthood—and yes, it was Heiji’s fault.

Some quick headcanons regarding the brother’s, Heiji’s childhood, and their relationships with one another:

Matsuzo is primarily focused on his studies, both academic and refining his Shindo-Ryō. He’s the reserved older brother, and his father’s apprentice, meaning most of the time he’s away from his younger siblings, being trained personally. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t spend time with them—Matsuzo helps train Takeshi, who is also training to be a swordsman. While Heiji is the only of the sons to not be learning Shindo-Ryō, Matsuzo still makes some time to spend with him, such as joining him for tea ceremonies, or doing calligraphy together. Out of everyone in the family, Heiji’s closest relationship was with Matsuzo.

Heiji began youth as the quiet, overlooked child, and after his younger brother’s death, became something of a trouble child—making associates with drug peddlers and flesh traders within the city (such as Hachiman), even building his own miniature gang, which later results in his father banishing him from the family and Kyoto as a city. But before all of this, he was the studious of the three, and yet pretty much ignored by his father due to his lack of interest in fighting. His mother died when he was around nine years old, and it was she who taught him how to brew tea—but other than that, he hadn’t much a relationship with either of his parents. He was closest with Matsuzo, but despised his younger brother Takeshi, who often took joy in poking fun at how useless Heiji was when it came to the samurai arts—quite literally what their entire clan is known for. He beat him on several sparring occasions, and was overall just as annoying as a younger sibling may be. It was a great source of embarrassment for Heiji, and culminated overtime into a festering hatred for his own kin.

Takeshi, for all his nuisance, was essentially acting in the way any other little boy would. He was rambunctious, loud, and prideful, all of which clashed with Heiji’s personality. He was well liked by his father and eldest brother, however, who saw that he had the makings of a very promising warrior. It was seen that where Matsuzo would inherit the dojo and ruler ship of the clan, Takeshi would likely go on to be a great warrior, and add a new branch of lineage to the Shindo family tree. Heiji was overlooked, due to the fact his only ambition seemed to be that of an artisan.

However, Takeshi met a tragic end at the age of ten in the summer of 1613, when he fell gravely ill of a mysterious illness, and passed away. He was buried in the family grave, and the loss hit both Matsuzo and the Shindo Patriarch hard—not so much Heiji. Soon after, Heiji began to take advantage of his silver tongue and skills in trade, further dampening his relationship with his father. His sly and snake like attitude lead his father to both see and suspect the worst in him, and when Heiji turned 19, he was banished from the family, on the grounds he had disrespected their values in every way possible. The Shindo Patriarch Even accused Heiji in having a hand in his brother’s death, which is…just ridiculous, right?

By the time the show begins, Matsuzo and Heiji have somewhat reconnected. After their father passed away and Matsuzo became leader of the Shindo clan, Heiji eventually reached out—after, of course, getting a comfy spot working for the Shogun to facilitate the trade of foreign guns into Japan. He was deeply apologetic and implored his brother to see past his father’s foolishness—he had loved his brother, after all. He’d have done nothing to hurt him. Matsuzo, Kind at Heart, welcomed him back in—a grave mistake. For with Heiji came his empire of drugs and trafficking Matsuzo had no clue of.

Despite being the eldest, and the leader of the clan, Heiji became richer and of higher status through his success as a criminal overlord. It wasn’t long before it was Matsuzo bowing to Heiji.

This is just a quick overview of how I interpret Heiji Shindo’s family—I actually have a fic of Matsuzo eating dinner with him, Fowler, and Hachiman, supposedly after the scene where they agree to set the four fangs after Mizu. If you want me to post it, or rant more about my elaborate backstory for the unforgivable rat that is Shindo, please let me know! Comics and the likes will also be coming soon :3

[alterhumansafespace]

A fenrir kin! Nice to meet you. How did you discover that?

Asking because you are primarily a dragon (?) and it's quite hard for me to understand individuals who have more than 1 kintype unless they're related somewhat. To be honest it used to be I didn't understand at all but now I discovered I was a kelpie so...

It's directly related to being an incarnation of Loki for me. If it's not related I definitely have a hard time understanding so if you want to share I'd love to hear.

It’s a pleasure to meet you as well! Glad to talk to someone who’s an incarnation of Loki.

Being Fenrirkin is specifically a Copingkin I never really asked to have. Yes, I do love Norse mythology, but being a copingkin of Fenrir can be… well- a bit self destructive for me.

I had been reading a lot into the binding of Fenrir and other information on him. Parts of the story correlate uncannily. When I experience Fenrir shifts, the room felt too small and the intense desire to bite at my right hand was always prominent. I get a constant feeling of being suspicious of authority, sometimes this includes questioning and thinking I know better. But the hardest thing is the intense feeling of betrayal that comes during Fenrir shifts, especially of the ones who were treating you right.

The betrayal part comes from traumas I dealt with. The multitude of gods equating to my family always saying that each other are liars, and others who constantly betrayed my trust. Tyr can be substituted for three different people. My mother, my father or my ex. I tend to associate Tyr more with my ex due to closer similarities.

I wasn’t the best after the breakup and I did lash out viciously. The sword that is stated to hold Fenrir’s jaws open correlate to my need to scream or a need to explain to my ex how his betrayal hurt me, for how sorry I am for hurting him. The bindings are a creation of anger/rage and extreme guilt.

I have always felt a very close tie and extremely empathize with Fenrir’s story. It’s almost like a deeply rooted spiritual connection that isn’t easy to describe. My mental/perception shifts do not feel like that of a normal human. No, they’re intensified by a different sort of emotion that felt very nonhuman in nature.

As for explaining being a polykin with pretty different kintypes, it’s a bit confusing, but not impossible. My dragonself is much less destructive and almost guide like in how I behave. The pride I get when talking about strength are different levels. For my dragonself strength is something I take pride in, but I don’t feel like it’ll crumble at any moment. For my Fenrir self, if I have it questioned, I want to prove myself. This does end up that if someone I consider close to tells me that I am weak, I will break and will either shut down or lash out. Thankfully the lashing out is only internally, but it is destructive by nature.

There are specific behaviors that happen that do not correlate between my dragonself and Fenrir self. As my Fenrir self is much less shifty and is an involuntary identity that allows me to cope with betrayals.

Being a dragon comes with its own difficulties, but I tend to mentally know the difference between my Fenrir tendencies and my dragon tendencies. It all depends on how high, and how self destructive, my emotions get.

I do apologize if it’s a little incoherent. I tried my best to explain the best I could how I separated shifts and behaviors of my two animalistic kintypes. As well as explaining how I came to the conclusion.

I don’t consider myself as Fenrir Otherkin. Involuntarily identifying as and with Fenrir is purely a way of coping that I never asked for as stated above.

Hopefully this explains it enough for a general understanding

>Saiph 🐉

Edit: if you’d like further explanation or clarification, feel free to DM me or send another ask. I’m a very open person and I get good vibes from you

[fictionkinfessions]

I'm not sure how to feel about this since I've not really interacted with fictionkin-centred posts often, but I've been finding myself feeling extremely connected to the point of growing anxious and breaking down when it comes to the character Yagami Light from Death Note, especially when he is shipped with any character at all or if someone misinterprets him and his goals. I find myself relating to him to a concerning level, and feeling dissatisfied with myself for being so due to, well, his role as the villain in the story and how I still see myself having done or doing the same things in his position. Does that make me a bad person? I mean, if I truly do kin a morally grey character (who isn't even morally grey- it's just wrong in hindsight with so many flaws in the logic and process of carrying out plans), does that carry onto me? I feel that I would despise people like Kira in real life, but I find myself relating to him so much it hurts. it's just... confusing?

And It's not as if I'll ever be able to say it out loud or post it on any non-anonymous blog even if I really am kinning this character because that'd come with more issues that I'm not exactly willing to deal with, not only from people who disregard kinning, but also from those who know about what Kira has done in canon. Additionally, it being from a manga/anime such as Death Note? I mean, I wouldn't consider myself an avid fan of the series, but god does it feel irritating when things are blatantly wrong in discussions about the source.

additionally, I've found that I've had other similar issues (for a lack of a better word) before with characters that I feel may be less conventional, if even characters. For example I heavily relate to an ex-friend's oc, it's not even funny. I swear I really shouldn't have been so emotional about it considering that I do put my own ocs through hell and anyone should be able to do whatever they like with their ocs, but I had distanced myself from that friend from doing the same thing to that specific oc and making fun of that oc, though I never did voice it. And secondly, perhaps even up to now, I associate part of my identity with the concept of the Backrooms- not even am entity or character? That's... something. I'm not even sure if that's a thing that exists.

but...I guess I'm anxious over this for a multitude of reasons, and finding patterns that Im conflicted over.

not too sure if this counts as fictionkinning or kinsidering (that is the word, isn't it?) so this doesn't have to be posted. But overall, yeah. I'm at a loss for words as to where to go from here after typing all this out.

📦

[razieltwelve]

Scout (Final Rose)

Zahn sniffed the air as the rest of the pack made camp. The myriad scents of the forest filtered through his awareness. He set aside the smells associated with more mundane creatures. This forest was known to be home to bears, lesser wolves, and the like, but none of them were a threat to him or the pack. Instead, he concerned himself with the other scents, those that hinted at graver threats.

The faint scent of Grimm came to him, and he nudged Ruby with his snout. The pack’s leader nodded crisply, and Zahn loped off into the woods. He wouldn’t go too far, but the source of the scent was nearby. If there was trouble, he would either deal with it himself or call for aid.

The scent originated from a grove a few minutes away from the campsite, and the wolf examined it keenly. Like all of his kind, he had been taught not only how to sense and track Grimm but also how to distinguish between different kinds and the signs left by their passage or death. Where there was one Grimm, there could easily be more. And where weak Grimm were, stronger ones were rarely far behind.

Yet the clearing bore no obvious signs of Grimm, nor did it bear any obvious signs of battle. Curious, he sniffed around, and as he did, he noted the subtler, less easily detected signs of an old battle, one that the forest had more than enough time to heal from. His eyes narrowed as he smelled the faint traces of what passed for blood amongst the Grimm.

Grimm blood decayed far more quickly than human, Faunus, or animal blood. It was as if the world itself rejected it. Yet it still left behind traces, and there were a lot of those traces here. The sheer quantity suggested that whatever the Grimm had encountered here - likely hunters from the other smells - it had met its end here, along with many of its kin.

Yes. That was the most likely outcome. All of the Grimm scents here were months old, and there were no signs of recent Grimm activity either. Now certain of his findings, Zahn swiftly made his way back to the camp. There, he approached Ruby.

“Did you find anything?” Ruby asked.

Zahn chuffed and then made use of the gestures he had learned from the other wolves and his handlers back in Oerba. Unlike a chocobo, he could not easily communicate his more complex thoughts. Yet his kind were smart enough o learn a sort of sign language, albeit a simple one.

“Signs of Grimm?” Ruby nodded. “Several months old? Hmm... anything newer? No. That’s good then.” Ruby glanced at Penny. “Have your sensors picked up any Grimm activity?”

“No,” Penny replied. “And the last major activity logged in this area dates back to several months ago when a few teams swept the area. No Grimm have been seen in this area since although there’s always the possibility of solitary Grimm skulking around. It’s been flagged as green since the sweep, so the probability of encountering Grimm is rated as less than 0.1%.”

“Okay.” Ruby smiled and scratched Zahn behind his ears. “Good work, Zahn. We should be safe, but it never hurts to keep an eye out for trouble. I’ll tell the girls to be careful, but stay close to them. Penny, Weiss, and I can all handle ourselves in a fight, but the girls have a lot of growing to do before I let them anywhere near a Grimm.”

X     X     X

Author’s Notes

Oerban timber wolves are enormous. Zahn is still growing, but he can already carry a pair of adults without issue. A fully grown wolf can carry two warriors in full armour without any problems. Their size, combined with their speed, strength, and agility make them deadly foes whilst their ability to use Aura grants them immense durability as well.

Although Oerban timber wolves carry their riders into battle and can be used as cavalry, they are often used more as dragoons. In other words, once they reach a battle, their riders dismount to fight alongside the wolf. The wolf will act as a melee fighter whilst the riders offer ranged support or fight alongside it with melee weapons.

Due to their speed prowess, stealth, and keen senses, the wolves also make excellent scouts. Indeed, those most gifted in those areas will often serve as specialised scouts and trackers. Zahn comes from a lineage that has excelled in both combat and in more specialised roles although his parents are both known for their prowess in combat, more than their other abilities.

Whenever a group with wolves makes camp, it is normal for the wolves to scout the surrounding area for threats. At least one of them, if there are more than one, will also remain away at all times, adding their keen senses to the other defences in place.

[ddarker-dreams]

Yan Giorno Giovanna - Tarot Card Asks

i’ve actually done some of the tarot cards for giorno but i wanted to revisit how i characterize him as a yan, and therefore we’re doing all of them again bois ! i might do this for bucciarati, mista, narancia, josuke and jotaro too! but my fav is up first

here’s a link to all the tarot questions! 

The Fool - How deluded is this yandere when it comes to their darling? Are they self aware on any level?

His fears don’t come from an unfounded place. Being Don of Passione puts you in danger merely for being associated with him, Giorno well aware of the fact. When he tells you he’s protecting you he means it, frustrating as it may be. That doesn’t mean he prides himself in cutting you off from others, it hurts to know you’re lonely when he’s not around.  

The Emperor - How much of their darling’s life does this yandere dictate/want to dictate?

Giorno feels that he doesn’t take more than he has to. There’s a lot of things you’re able to do, plenty of rooms set aside filled with equipment for your hobbies. The catch is that you’re either with him, or with no one at all. Other than keeping you in a certain, secure area, you’re allowed to do as you please as long as it won’t harm you. It’d make him feel better knowing you have some level of autonomy. 

Strength - How outwardly passionate is this yandere around their darling?

At first, he came off as impersonal to you. Giorno gave you space and allowed you to come to terms with your situation, not imposing himself upon you other than checking in. You can feel how he cares for you in his actions more than his words. From the way your room is decorated with your favorite flowers, to how you fall asleep in the study only to wake up tucked carefully into bed. Eventually he’ll grow more comfortable with you, sprinkling in words of heartfelt affection. 

The Hanged Man - Is controlling their darling important? Or do they want their darling to love them willingly?

It’s natural that he does want you to return his love, but he’s patient and cunning. Giorno will give you small pushes, but never outright forces you to say or do anything for him. It’ll be much more gratifying when it comes from a genuine place. He’s not a pushover though -- if you’re being disagreeable, he’ll leave to cool off as not to aggravate the situation further.

The Tower - If this yandere saw their darling in danger, how would they respond/react?

It would require a lot of planning for anyone with nefarious intent to get close to you. The only plausible way is if they’re a Stand user. If Giorno is with you, he’ll take care of the person with detachment. Your safety is his first priority, any wounds you may have sustained being treated with GER. He’ll take this experience as validation for his concerns. Expressing to you later that this is why he has to protect you, once you’ve calmed down. 

Judgement - Would this yandere ever open up to their darling?

He wants to truly be himself with you, but these things take time. Giorno isn’t sure how to open himself up to you, and doesn’t want to reveal too much at once. It’s a vulnerable feeling, and he’ll only ever attempt it once you’re more accepting of your situation. With enough encouragement he’ll start to show more sides of himself to you.

The Magician - How would this yandere use their abilities/status on their darling?

Anything is at his disposal, given his position in the mafia. He prefers to lavish you in luxury rather than punish you. Gold Experience allows him to create an assortment of rare and beautiful flowers to impress you with. Giorno wants to have positive experiences with you, but given the nature of what he’s doing that isn’t always possible. If you were ever harmed in an attempt to escape, he might hold off on healing you as you know he can as a “lesson��. It hurts him to do so though.

The Hierophant - Could this darling’s yandere fool them easily? Or be manipulated by them?

Hah no way. Giorno wouldn’t have made it this far without being able to tell when a person is acting genuine or is lying. To make matters worse, he has already memorized most of your behavior. Any signs of lying will be picked up on with seamless grace. Whether or not he calls you out on it with a smile depends on what it is you’re lying about. If you’re trying to manipulate him, he might play along to get more information. Or if he feels he’s had enough, he’ll tell you outright with an unimpressed expression that he’s disappointed. 

The Hermit - Is this yandere more relaxed, or capable of being more relaxed?

When you’re acting as you should, Giorno is pleasant to be around. He listens to you, is attentive to your needs, and truly adores you above all else. He’ll even go along with most things you ask for, within reason. You mention a craving for a certain dessert lately? He happens to know one of the best chefs in Italy who’ll make it right away. One of your favorite books came out? You’re getting a signed copy. Be good to him and he’ll be good to you.

Death - Would this yandere ever kill their darling? If not, would this yandere “kill” undesirable traits of their darling?

Giorno would go to hell and back for you, he wouldn’t even entertain the thought of killing you. He’s lost so much in his life -- friends, family -- he couldn’t bear the thought of losing you on top of that. Everything he’s done has been to ensure your safety, after all. Unless you have a habit that’s extremely self destructive, he’ll let you be yourself. He fell in love for who you are. 

The Star - How would this yandere deal with their darling’s loved ones?

There are a few possibilities with this. He might introduce himself to your family at one point, dazzling them with his charisma in hopes of further cementing himself into your life. Giorno doesn’t have any sadistic desire to hurt people more than necessary, that extends to them as well. If you’ve been acting up for too long, he might dryly mention paying them a visit. That’s normally all it takes for you to quiet down. 

The World - Would this yandere ever give up on their darling?

Giorno is nothing is not determined. Once he has a goal he will accomplish it. It’s not a question of if, rather, a question of when. He’ll have a preference for less malicious methods, but he is a member of the mafia. Getting his hands dirty doesn’t make him flinch. It’s just that when it comes to you, he’d prefer to give you the option to give him before he goes to more extreme lengths.

The High Priestess - What expectations does this yandere have for their darling?

He wants you to be as you were before. Giorno expects the initial combative phase, but doesn’t want it to last forever. He’ll do anything to make you feel at home, so that you can be yourself around him once again. Expect lots of encouragement to return to your hobbies and previous interests, he wants you to thrive in your new environment. 

The Lovers - How would this yandere deal with their darling being in a relationship with someone else?

Unfortunate as it is, he will be mercilessness with his methods. It’s what comes to mind when you almost find yourself giving into his abundance of charm. How blatantly abhorrent he is with your former partner. It pains him to even give them that label. Expect a very mafia style death, of a set up accident or worse. It depends on his mood. It’ll be messy and cruel no matter how the orders are carried out to remove that obstacle. 

Wheel of Fortune - Would this yandere’s behavior stay the same over time? If not, why do they remain the same?

Growing closer to you will change how he acts, even if it’s only in the small things. He’ll be more open about his interests with you, taking pleasure in deep discussions about nature where he can showcase his knowledge. Before he could almost seem clinical at times, like every touch and word was calculated. He becomes more of himself once you accept him, less rough around the edges.

Temperance - What made this person yandere for their darling?

Your benevolence. In his life he has rarely been on the receiving side of it, the world dishing out tragedies to him one after the other. Your disposition is in stark contrast with the cruelties he’s witnessed. From giving people the benefit of the doubt, to actively going out of your way to assist your friends... it draws him in. He wants to both protect this rare part of you, and keep it all to himself. 

The Moon - Is this yandere sensitive to what their darling says or does? If not, why don’t they care?

It’d be hard to tell that your words upset him. With a watchful eye you’ll be able to pick up on the humanity that slips through his carefully crafted mask of indifference. Giorno’s hands shake, even if only the slightest bit when you detail your hatred for him. Beneath the surface is an abundance of hurt. Why is it so difficult for you to understand he’s made these hard decisions for your well being? 

The Empress - Would this yandere want to have children with their darling in the future?

Family has never been a luxury he’s gotten to experience. He wrote off his parents at a young age due to their treatment of him. You presented a new opportunity to him, one of correcting the wrongs of the past with new beginnings. If you’d be willing, he’d love to have a family. Whether it be adoption or his own kin. Giorno would love to have a boy and a girl, spoiling them and giving all his love. 

The Chariot - What freedoms would this yandere allow, and take away?

Contact with anyone other than Giorno is taken away. There are staff and bodyguards where you live, but they’ve received special instruction not to speak to you (unless there’s an emergency). He doesn’t want to admit it to himself, but a dark part of him wants for you to depend solely upon him. He can provide you with anything, so he assumes it’s not like you need anyone else anyways. 

Justice - Does this yandere ever feel conflicted about what they’re doing?

While Giorno isn’t as relentless as the previous Don, to be in his position means to have a muddied moral compass. It hurts to see you crying and upset, it truly does, but he reminds himself of the greater picture. He’ll never feel seriously split over what he’s doing, resolve too firm to budge. It’ll be impossible to ever convince him to stop. 

The Devil - What taboo things would this yandere do to their darling?

Most times when you hurt yourself he’ll heal you up without any hesitation, hating the thought of you being in pain. It’s a different story if you injured yourself in an attempt to escape, or after you managed to escape. He’ll take care of anything life threatening, but other than that, you’re on your own. He’ll remind you with an icy gaze that this is what happens when you defy him, and his good intentions.

The Sun - When would this yandere feel content with their situation?

The day you wake up and return his affection wholeheartedly. He might be so ecstatic that it’ll bring him to tears honestly. Giorno will swear himself to you again, in a way remnant of wedding vows. He’ll dedicate every breath of the remainder of his life to making you happy, and protecting you, his most beloved. 

[feralphoenix]

BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE NOT PREPARED TO TRY

if you’re following my blog or if you read my fanfiction, you may have seen me talking in tags or comments about how the radiance hollowknight was a pacifist. “feral, wtf?” you may have thought. “she’s the freaking final boss and tries really, really hard to kill you and all her attacks do 2 entire masks damage. where on earth do you get pacifism out of that???”

to you specifically i say, that’s an understandable reaction! the short version of how i got here was that i started thinking about the story implications of radi not inflicting contact damage and took a deep dive into game mechanics and lore. when i came up for air i had made myself Very Sad.

if this intrigues you and you would like to know more, come along with me, i am happy to point out the things i noticed and share the Big Sad around.

this essay is also available on dreamwidth for accessibility purposes, since my layout’s text may be too small for folks on pc with high-res screens.

CONTENT WARNING: This essay discusses pseudo-zombie plagues and associated body horror, colonialism and genocide, horrible things that happened in real life Australian history... you know, the usual topics that come up when I’m talking about Hollow Knight.

ADDITIONAL NOTICE: TPK fans of the “TPK meant well/was working for the greater good”/“TPK and Radi are equally bad”/“TPK is bad but Radi is worse” variety please give this one a pass, it ain’t for you.

finally if youre from a christian cultural upbringing (whether currently practicing, agnostic/secular, or atheist now), understand that some of what i’m discussing here may challenge you. if thinking thru the implications of this particular part of hollow knight worldbuilding/lore is distressing for you, PLEASE only approach this essay when youre in a safe mindset & open to listening, and ask the help of a therapist or anti-racism teacher/mentor to help you process your thoughts & feelings. just like keep in mind that youre listening to an ethnoreligiously marginalized person and please be respectful here or wherever else youre discussing this dang essay

BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE NOT PREPARED TO TRY: The Radiance Doesn’t Deal Contact Damage And That’s Kind Of Fucked Up And Sad

The vast majority of hostile creatures in Hollow Knight deal contact damage: This is to say, if the Wandering Knight (who I’ll probably spend most of this essay calling by their affectionate fan name Ghost) touches a hostile creature, this harms them.

There are exceptions to this rule. The most notable and most oft-memed example is the game’s literal actual true final boss, the Radiance. Not only will Ghost not be harmed by running into any part of her body, but during her stagger animation, where she drops to the boss arena floor on her front with her whole body splayed out, Ghost still isn’t harmed if she lands on top of them! What’s more, this holds true for her full-power form Absolute Radiance, the secret final boss of the Godmaster quest/endings.

A lot of people find this amusing, because it’s a little absurd that a game’s final boss is an exception to such a consistent element of gameplay! Hence all the “haha moth too soft and fluffy for contact damage” jokes. It is objective facts that Radi is very soft and very fluffy, so it’s very easy to understand why people don’t overthink this too much.

Thinking about things I like in gross detail is unfortunately my hobby. When it comes to Hollow Knight this usually leads to me making myself really sad. I’d like to share the fruits of my theorizing with the class, so other people can be sad with me.

Now, from a game design perspective I can think of a lot of reasons why Team Cherry chose for Radiance not to inflict contact damage. Her hitbox only covers the central part of her body. Her limbs are large, so because of the way she floats, if she did contact damage she would be protected from nail strikes from below and to either side. This would give a player who prefers nail combat a punishingly small margin through which they could inflict damage without also taking a hit, potentially forcing them to adapt to a new and unfamiliar play style at the very end of the game. That’s not fun for anybody and tends to make players feel very frustrated.

In addition to this, Radiance’s attacks are all bullet hell-style spells. All of them except the floor hazards inflict two masks of damage, meaning if you want to stay alive and identify points where it’s possible to heal, you need to learn the spell patterns and dodge a lot. Radi is a large boss. If running into her hurt you this would make the bullet hell elements of her fight extra punishing.

So, I think the purely game mechanics reason for Moth Too Soft And Fluffy is in interest of keeping her boss fight fair, and helping players feel like they have a chance of actually defeating her.

Part of why we all love Hollow Knight, though, is that there’s not much in the game that only exists for purely mechanical reasons. There’s always some form of story or lore integration.

So what on earth is the story reason behind why Radiance doesn’t deal contact damage?

OTHER ENEMIES THAT DON’T DEAL CONTACT DAMAGE

Radi isn’t the only enemy (here defined as fightable/killable creature) in Hollow Knight who doesn't inflict contact damage, so let’s take a look at her fellow exceptions to the rule to see what we can learn.

Broadly speaking there are two categories of Enemies That Don’t Deal Contact Damage. The first is enemies or bosses who used to be hostile, but have become friendly to the player. For instance, when characters like Ogrim and Hornet are not being fought in boss battles, touching them won’t cause damage to Ghost. These story characters who Ghost has more or less reconciled with can’t be damaged by the player out of combat either.

In terms of generic enemies who used to be hostile but have become friendly to the player, we have the mantises of the Fungal Wastes and the Siblings/Ghost’s Shade. We learn from the game’s lore that the mantises Did Not Like The Pale King and were hostile to Hallownest, but that they established a ceasefire conditional on their keeping the people of Deepnest (who were also hostile to Hallownest) from leaving through the area’s main entrance/exit in the Fungal Wastes - essentially the two native kingdoms were pitted against one another by the Pale King.

Now, just because there was a ceasefire, that doesn’t mean the mantises take kindly to Hallownest bugs brazenly trespassing into their dang house; they will get in your face and try to kill you unless you have permission to be there. But once you’ve defeated the Mantis Lords in combat and proven yourself worthy of the mantises’ respect, they’ll let you pass through their turf unmolested. They are no longer actively hostile and don't deal contact damage.

(You're still able to attack them, though - maybe because you’d be locked out of receiving the Hunter’s Mark if you complete the Respect quest/achievement before you’ve successfully killed enough mantises? - and if you attack them, or if your pet charm familiars attack them, any mantises you aggroed will fight back and deal contact damage again.)

The Siblings, as well as Ghost’s Shade, are initially indiscriminately hostile. Our window into Shade psychology is limited, but we know that the Shade died violently and the Siblings probably did too; they may be lashing out. They’re also Void creatures, and Ghost looks a lot like the Pale King, whom we can guess from context clues pissed the Void off significantly by using it as his personal play-doh to make tools and toys with and also using its house as his personal garbage dump for baby corpses.

However, once Ghost recalls their past and breaks the mask of the Kingsoul charm to reveal the Void Heart at its core, the Void recognizes them as a part of it, and Ghost becomes able to direct/lead the Void to some extent. As an extension of this, the Siblings and Ghost’s shade become docile and can now be killed by any weapon in one hit instead of just the Dream Nail (which is made of Radiance’s Light and is the Void’s natural weakness). They don’t deal contact damage anymore either.

That’s it for “enemies that inflict contact damage at one point, but stop inflicting it after becoming friendly or neutral to Ghost”.

The generic enemies which don't inflict contact damage include shrumelings, maggots, maskflies, and lightseeds/lifeseeds. These enemies are incapable of inflicting any damage on Ghost whatsoever, because by themselves they are completely helpless entities with no natural defenses.

Shrumelings are infant members of the mushroom clan who are usually protected by adult fungi like shrumal warriors and ogres. Lightseeds and lifeseeds are harmless single-celled organisms. Maskflies are similarly harmless. Maggots, we glean from the Hunter’s Journal and dialogue from False Knight/Failed Champion, are the bottom rung of Hallownest’s society because they are weak and helpless, and are forced into menial and slave labor by other Hallownest bugs because they cannot defend themselves. The maggots’ plight is the whole reason why False Knight/Failed Champion stole Hegemol's armor in the first place, as he wanted to protect his people.

All of these enemies flee when Ghost approaches them. (Some maskfly groups’ flight triggers are set to specific areas on a map and won’t flee if you can avoid stepping on/passing through those areas, but this is clearly due to a programming oversight because their whole Thing is running away.)

But, there’s something interesting to be observed in the case of lightseeds and maggots: They can fight back against and harm Ghost if they use tools. The little flock of lightseeds you chase around the Ancient Basin eventually get sick of Ghost’s shit and take over Broken Vessel/Lost Kin’s corpse, which they puppet around to try to murder you. By doing so they gain access to Broken Vessel/Lost Kin’s considerable combat prowess and become very dangerous, contact damage included in the bargain. (The lightseeds’ doing this seems to evoke the vessel’s spirit, since they reach for Ghost when defeated. That’s not a gesture the lightseeds have any reason to make. The Lost Kin fight, by which the spirit seems to gain some form of closure, becomes available here too.)

False Knight/Failed Champion’s fights work on the same general principle. Now that he has a weapon he can attack Ghost, and his armor deals contact damage. The maggot inside the armor does not inflict contact damage; essentially both his boss fights consist of your whacking the armor until he’s stunned and pops out of the armor for a moment so you can hit his vulnerable real body, which is the only part of him that yields Soul when you smack him. In fact, his boss fights will last forever if you let him recover from being stunned on his own.

Between these two groups, Radiance very obviously doesn’t fit in the first, as she’s the final boss and is very vigorously trying to kill Ghost with various magic spells. You can tell from her Dream Nail dialogue that she’s furious about what the Pale King did to her and her people, and is afraid for her life. She is willing to use everything at her disposal to try to destroy Ghost so she can survive, go free, and get revenge for the Pale King’s crimes. If she could do contact damage to Ghost she would.

So, the only logical conclusion to make is that Radi falls into the second group of enemies that don’t inflict contact damage. She is physically incapable of causing any harm to anyone with only her body. Her magic is deadly as all get out and the 2 masks damage explosion noise probably haunts the nightmares of anyone who’s struggled fighting her, but without it she is helpless.

WHY CAN’T RADIANCE DO CONTACT DAMAGE?

It might be pretty hard to reconcile the fact that a character with Audre Lorde energy as potent as Radi Hollowknight’s is has a whopping 0 ATK. The biggest clues we get in terms of story context for her inability to inflict physical harm of any kind can be found within the culture of the moth tribe, who were her people.

Thistlewind, the backer-designed moth ghost who can be found in the Resting Grounds, tells you that the majority of moths were pacifists, and that individuals like them and like Markoth who learned to wield a nail were in the minority. Thistlewind appears to have learned to fight as a means of self-defense while they explored the crater area, and describes Markoth as having done so in order to “[brave] the edges of this world, hoping to uncover a truth long forgotten”. It sounds to me like Markoth was trying to recover parts of moth culture that were lost when their tribe was assimilated into Hallownest, or maybe even searching for Radiance or trying to learn what happened to her. (Judging that his corpse is hidden behind one of the Pale King’s shade gates it seems this didn’t go well. Thanks TPK.)

As far as fighting moths go there’s Marmu too, but she seems to be a special case, possibly raised in Hallownest's culture instead of with her tribe. We don’t actually get any sort of canon explanation for how a baby moth wound up as a child soldier who died defending the Queen’s Gardens, but given the overall tone of Hollow Knight as a game and all the colonization/Australian history parallel subtext, some horrifying possibilities come to mind.

So, if Thistlewind, Markoth, and Marmu are Outliers Lepidoptera and should not be counted, how did the majority of moths spend their time? According to Seer, who knows more about the tribe’s history than most (and to Quirrel, who points you to her if you defeat Uumuu before picking up the Dream Nail), the moths’ main prerogative was cultivating and developing dream magic. From the way the Seer describes dreams as a living history as you collect Essence, dream magic seems to be a parallel to the Dreaming (or Dreamtime), a spiritual concept in Indigenous Australian religion related to both history and myth.

To translate this into simple terms, the moths were by and large pacifists whose culture celebrated art, history, and spirituality.

Team Cherry tends to adapt at least some aspects of real-life bug behavior and biology into their sad cartoon bugs, so moths-as-pacifists tracks: Real moths do not really have any way to fight. They defend themselves from predators via their mobility and their markings, which tend towards either camouflage that helps them hide or bright markings intended to scare predators off by indicating they’re poisonous (therefore not good to eat) or look like the face of something much bigger and more dangerous than they are.

There's not that much we can glean about the moths in pre-Hallownest society aside from Seer’s dialogue, because Hallownest destroyed their civilization so thoroughly: Except in the Dream Realm (which is filled with Essence spirographs and the wisteria charms that decorate Seer’s room), their architecture can only be found anymore in hidden parts of the Resting Grounds and at the very top of the Crystal Peak where Radi’s statue and a fuckton of lore tablets Ghost doesn’t know how to read are located.

But, we know that the crater pre-Hallownest was home to a ton of diverse bug nations - the mosskin, the mushroom tribe, the mantises, Deepnest, the Hive, the flukes - and every SINGLE one of those had some kind of warrior tradition, as well as their own unique cultures. In the midst of all that it was only the moths who were pacifists, so from there we can tentatively assume that they were on good enough terms with their neighbors for there not to be any fighting. The mosskin in particular also had and still have a Higher Being on their side, though in the modern day Unn seems to be rather conflict avoidant to say the least.

And we know from Hallownest’s past dealings with the mantises and Deepnest that even having Two (2) Higher Beings isn’t enough to keep rival civilizations off your nuts if they hate you, so it’s improbable that Radiance just did all the moths’ fighting for them.

The only hint that the moths ever had beef with anyone at all is one of Radiance’s Dream Nail lines, “ancient enemy” - this is popularly theorized to refer to the Void and might be corroborated by the Void’s willingness to follow Ghost into Radi’s boss fights and fight alongside them. As the Void seems to be some sort of Higher Being/god of darkness and nothingness, and the Dream Nail’s only offensive ability is to kill Void creatures, the Void and creatures of Light appear to be in a position of mutual vulnerability. Some of the Pale King’s writings in his workshop, which identify the Void as a power in direct opposition to his, support this too.

It’s unclear whether the Void civilization and Radiance ever directly came to blows or whether they were just giving each other the stink eye over being natural enemies - personally I think the latter is more likely because the two civilizations existed on opposite sides of the crater*, and again, the moths were pacifists; plus when Ghost brings the Void along to Radi’s boss fight she is quickly and gruesomely overwhelmed by it.

What I am saying here is that if pacifism was such an integral aspect of moth culture, and Radiance epitomized her people’s culture, and she is 100% incapable of inflicting physical harm, she was probably a pacifist too.

DEEP DOWN YOU KNOW YOU WEREN'T BUILT FOR FIGHTING

Hallownest flourished for a long, long time between the Pale King and White Lady first establishing it and the initial outbreak of the Infection.

There’s no conclusive information in-game as to why this is. We can only guess: Maybe Radiance was so badly hurt or weakened by the moths’ assimilation that it simply took her That Long to become capable of the mass dream broadcast to Literally Everyone In Hallownest that would eventually become the Infection when Hallownest’s people tried to suppress it. Or, maybe it just took a long time for her to come up with a way to fight back. It’s possible that it took her a while to find the resolve to actually fight back, too, with her principles of pacifism in conflict with the necessity of defending herself and taking her people back. Maybe there was a change in the moths’ situation in Hallownest somewhere down the line that compelled her to step in - all the moths are super extremely dead at the time Hollow Knight starts, after all. Even Seer is eventually revealed to be a revenant like Ze’mer the Grey Mourner, only lingering in the world to pass on the Dream Nail and tell Radiance’s story. Maybe it was a combination of all those factors. Barring Team Cherry dropping in to explain this bit of Sekret Deep Lore, we are never going to know.

All we DO know for sure is that when we mosey into Hollow’s brain (and/or Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny our way to the top of Hallownest’s Pantheon) and challenge the literal actual sun to a fight, Radi takes the challenge with extreme prejudice and comes in swinging.

Something interesting I noticed while comparing the Radiance boss fights with the Pure Vessel fight is that some of their attacks are vaguely similar. Where warrior-mage characters like Xero and Markoth have physical weapons that they summon and manipulate with magic, Radiance and Pure Vessel both create nails and daggers out of Essence and Soul respectively. Both characters’ magical weapon attacks are similar in nature too: Some are used to create hazards that must be dodged or avoided, and some are fired directly at Ghost in radial patterns.

This begs a very sad chicken-and-egg question. Did Radi and Hollow develop these battle techniques independently of each other, has Hollow in their prime form somehow absorbed similar techniques to Radi through osmosis since they’re currently chained together by the brain... or is Radi mimicking and innovating on these attacks she knows Hollow can do?

All her other attacks seem very obvious for a light-themed character, after all: Beam attacks and blobs of light. A flash of bright light is also how she shakes off the Void the first time it tries to grab her, too, making for a strong argument that that’s the original natural defense she possessed, and that’s what she based most of her attack magic off of.

Making sword’s and knive’s from Essence when most of her people didn’t even handle these sorts of tools even at the height of her power and influence, though... that seems less like something that would come naturally to her. i don’t really know i don’t have a definitive answer or theory for this one it just Seems Possible and it’s fucking me up guys

Even the Infection - which began life as Radiance’s attempt to communicate, let’s remember, before it progressed to “The End Of Eva Disease Will Continue Until Someone Actually Listens To Me” and then finally Radi screaming “FUCK U LET ME OUT, GET THAT NEW SUNNY D BOTTLE THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, HALLOWNEST EAT SHIT” during canon - does not appear to be fatal to living bugs until the tumorous growths grow so large they impede bodily functions, like real cancer. We can observe this phenomenon via a number of NPCs and enemies that are rediscovered as tumorous corpses after the whole Crossroads area becomes infected.

At least to me, all of this points to Radiance being a character to whom violence and causing harm doesn't come naturally, and who has resorted to these methods in desperation.

It actually reminds me a lot of False Knight/Failed Champion. It’s a very common theory among fans that when he stole Hegemol’s armor he killed Hegemol - this is a reasonable thing to believe, since Hegemol is the only one of the Five Great Knights of Hallownest who never appears at all in-game, not even as a corpse like Dryya and Isma. Like Radi, False Knight/Failed Champion is a character who rose up and turned to violence in order to protect his people, despite the maggots not being a belligerent species.

False Knight is one of the game’s first major bosses, sometimes the first boss that players encounter at all. And so Hollow Knight’s story bookends with two separate victims of a predatory system, one who lived within and was cannibalized by it, one outside of it who was deliberately targeted by the Pale King. Neither of them started out as a fighter, but both of them still adopted violence as a tool to protect themselves and their people. Radiance is as doomed as False Knight by the Pale King’s genocide, but just like False Knight, she has no intention of going quietly, and will rage against the dying of the light as only the literal actual sun can.

Cue Deedee Magno Hall voice clip. You all know the one.

*A footnote: There’s no conclusive evidence to tell us whether the Void civilization was contemporaneous with the other pre-Hallownest indigenous bug nations or whether it predated them. Mask Maker has a line suggesting that the Void civilization tried to expand throughout the crater in its heyday and that maybe this was linked to its collapse, but in general the Void lore is just too darn thin to draw firm conclusions - it’s like trying to speculate on the ancient stone age cultures of the Americas that came before pre-settler Indigenous countries when the only sources you can easily access are elementary school level US history textbooks. (To non-Americans: We mostly teach kids propaganda until they hit college-level courses and it sucks so much ass.) This is very realistic worldbuilding, but also please Team Cherry I want to know more about these ancient bugs who apparently got lost in the sauce

[traumatized-motherfuckers]

Friendship Dissolutions; A Lesson in Asshole Trauma Reactions

So this is normally my school day, but I’m feeling the need to dig into something else this morning. The past events of this weekend, annnnd the past nearly two years. Because, if you  hadn’t heard, relationships are hard and I like to embarrass myself by telling you about all my fuck ups.

You know, romantic relationships are a disaster for yours truly, but I always thought I was pretty good at the friendship thing. Since high school I’ve almost always had robust friendly relationships - both in depth and breadth. With the exception of a few difficult points in my life since 16, my phone has never been quiet, my weekends have only been isolating when I’ve been isolating myself, and I’ve always felt like I had humans on my side who were closer to kin than my actual family.

The thing is, there have been periods when this hasn’t been the case. I want to say that it’s generally when I’m in my worst mental health downfalls, but I don’t think that’s universally true. There have been variable reasons for separating myself from other people, or vice versa. Sometimes getting too busy, sometimes naturally growing apart, sometimes getting too obsessed with a romantic partner.

But, taking a more analytical view, underlying my lost friendship events, trauma has often been one of the influences that corrupted my friendships and left me lonely, even if it doesn’t seem like it at face value. The thing is, the trail of breadcrumbs might go back 20 years or so. I might not have been in a full-blown trauma state at the time, but those early life non-learnings about relationships have left their mark. So, yes, I do believe that CPTSD is the prerequisite for interpersonal disruptions and we’re not alone in that.

Anyways, in this Fucker’s life, for the past almost 2 years I’ve been in one of those friendship lulls. I’ve had casual friends, roommates, work-associates, distant relationships, some of those hey-how’s-it-going-every-two-months relations. But I haven’t had those deep, rich, all-encompassing friendships that used to define my existence. The ones that used to make me feel safe enough to have an existence, at all.

It’s all because I lost my core group of friends, I didn’t understand and couldn’t fix the problem, and I had no idea how to move forward.

And this last time when I lost everyone I loved, it was definitely due to trauma. Acute, historical, and recovering trauma, to be specific. It was a horrible period of my life, I was a human wrecking ball, and I had no emotional control… because, partially thanks to said friends, I never had to develop those skills.

Basically, I’ve been on my own since a whole series of mental health related isolation events and relationships dissolutions that have persisted since - I want to say 2019 - but to be more holistic, the ship started sailing earlier than that. Like, when I was born.

This has all come to mind more than usual because, this weekend? I had a strange rush of humans back into my life. For the first time in a long time, I saw my best, closest, most important old friends, who were closer to siblings…. In our natural habitat, with our normal friendship routines, with hundreds of memories from the past decade flying around the room.

And today… or, realistically, since I tried to go to sleep after seeing them each day this weekend… I have the relationship reckoning to deal with. The emotional and cognitive processing of everything that’s happened. The lost years. The sense of abandonment. The feeling of being cast out of a family. The inkling that everyone was talking about me. The realization that I was acting a fool, and maybe they should be talking about me. The sense that all parties were partially responsible, but I was the one to blame. The voice in my head that has called me a crazy, miserable, unlovable mess the entire time I debated this at 6am and 6pm and 3am for the past several years.

And now, in the aftermath, I have to work through the dynamic cocktail of feelings, the sense of waiting for the other shoe, and the big decision - are these relationships that I feel secure pursuing again?

And I don’t think I’m alone in this one.

So, today I thought it would be good to talk about this. The history of losing my favorite people on the planet, how I perceived it at the time, how I see my own trauma-actions fucking shit up in hindsight, how I’ve forgiven myself for being such a wild one, and… well… my hesitancy to have close friendships with humans who hurt me in the past. The ways I realized that being separate was beneficial to my mental health and life progress. The self-sabotaging enablement patterns that I now recognize, ran deep, in our old group of friends. The fear that being around them again will let my trauma brain run away with me.

Woo - it’s a whole personal relationship reckoning over here. Let’s just do this, so I can get to my school work at some point soon.

History

So let me set up this situation. You need the background details, of which, there are many dramatic twists and turns.

Be me, Spring of 2019. My romantic relationship with my ex in Atlanta - the musical narcissist that I followed to the city - is going terribly. Since we moved things have been rocky, but now our relationship has been pumped full of disappointment, unfair expectations, emotional codependency, resentment, horrific fighting, and abuse of all colors. Every day is a battle. We’re rarely ever “happy” together. We’re closer to enemies than friends. And we live under the same roof - the one his parents bought for him, outright in cash - to make matters even more fun.

Other than him, I’m alone in this city. I work at the brewery, where no one really likes me. I have one friend from work, but little time to interact thanks to the demanding schedule of my ex with his gigs and out-of-state child visitation.

Financially, my savings have been depleted by floating my significant other’s horrible decisions for the past 2 years. We can never get ahead. He never pays me back for anything. I’m basically in his pocket, as far as needing resources to survive.

As you can imagine, and as I’ve described previously, my mental health is in THE SHITTER. Maybe worse than it’s ever been, although this is hard to judge against some of my earlier years in my 20’s. I’m definitely ramped up in an aggressive and defensive trauma state more than ever before, thanks to living with my aggressor every day. I feel like I’m surviving against the will of my partner, who seems to legitimately be doing his best to drive me into an early grave every single time the sun rises. He’s moved into the territory of intentionally triggering me for hours on end, upsetting me to the point of mental breakdowns, and then gaslighting me for “acting so crazy.” Things have become dangerous, I have no one to turn to, and no cash to get myself into a better situation… not that I know what a better situation even looks like.

But one day, I left. Packed my two bags, went to work, wound up at that single sort-of-friend’s house, never went back home.

And that’s when the real nightmare started. I mean, my ex was a terror over time as we lived together, but a narcissist scorned is a narcissist determined to ruin your fucking life. He harassed me daily via text, phone call, FB messenger, email, stalkings… whatever you can think of. When I blocked him on everything, he started trying to leverage our therapists against me until they refused to interact anymore. He wouldn’t let me into his house to get my stuff. He tried to have me arrested for attempting to do so, after he made arrangements with me to move that weekend. He suddenly refused to even acknowledge that he owed me a dime, and found a way to tally up venmo transactions to show that I actually owed him. He took my only support - our dog, who was really my dog - away and wouldn’t let me see him. Later, he reported my car stolen, so I had to purchase a new one without warning.

The list goes on and on. Just, assume every pathetic, cruel, desperate attempt at getting under someone’s skin and reminding them that they had the audacity to leave you. That’s what was going on in my world.

Meanwhile, with those financial and social pressures I mentioned earlier. No close friends in the area, no spare cash, an unstable job where I was on the chopping block for the reason of “the CEO didn’t like my personality,” nowhere to live, no idea where to go next or how to start a whole new life.

Annnnnd this is right about when my closely knit friend group back in Illinois sort of, well, dipped.

My bestest, best, most treasured friend in my lifetime had always been there for me. But now, she wasn’t. We had exchanged a handful of phone calls over the past month in the aftermath of this relationship ending, but she had been pretty detached from it. I wasn’t offended, because she had certainly heard enough of the drama in real time… of course she was tired of hearing about it...  but I was feeling especially alone and incapable of handling everything on my own, so the distance was difficult, nevertheless. Then, one day she told me that I was being too much for her. I had too high of expectations. It had been bothering her for a while. She needed me to understand and give her some space.

And this was the completely avoidable beginning of the end of my friendships. Let’s talk about why.

How I perceived it

So, I’m pretty sure you can guess how I took this challenging message from my best friend. Uh, poorly. I was so shocked that in my darkest hour, my comrade would feel like my problems were out of her paygrade. It felt like a stab to the heart and straight down through the gut. Here I was, completely alone and isolated, reaching back to my most trusted companions for a lifeline to keep my head above water, and… nothing. She didn’t want to reel me back into the boat.

I responded with some shitty messages about how I really wasn’t asking that much from her and I didn’t appreciate being blindsided by her sudden decision to get rid of me. I had only taken up a few phone calls to talk things through based on her schedule. I had visited her one weekend as I went to a job interview nearby. I had asked her to come visit me soon, so I could feel less alone for a few days. I didn’t think it was fair that she was responding this way. I couldn’t believe she would turn her back on me at this particular moment.

And so, the rift developed. We stopped speaking. I started sobbing. I was absolutely beside myself, as if I hadn’t already been. This wasn’t what I wanted, at all, but I also felt like I had no control in it.

.......

Like it? Well I’m too lazy to post the whole thing here. Check t-mfrs.com for the full blog AND the podcast recorded version. Yawelcome. 

www.t-mfrs.com 

(Traumatized Motherfuckers)

[aion-rsa]

F9 Ending Is a Game Changer

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

This article contains F9 spoilers.

Family. It’s the mantra by which Vin Diesel’s Dom Toretto has lived his life for nine movies, and it’s long been the handy slogan for the Fast and Furious franchise, too. But perhaps fittingly for an installment which sees director Justin Lin step back behind the camera, the theme of one’s chosen family has never been more pronounced.

What it means to be in Dom’s “mi familia” is central to F9. After all, this is the film where we learn Dom and his dear sister Mia (Jordana Brewster) have another sibling who they never speak of: John Cena’s morally ambiguous Jakob. As becomes clear over the course of the film, Brian might’ve been the brother Dom chose, but that was only after choosing to disown his actual little brother. But it’s kind of a funny story about the past: it can come roaring back at you like a Mustang flying beneath a military jet.

Hence when the F9 ending comes around, all those inner conflicts come bubbling to the surface. Indeed, the actual narrative stakes of the finale are almost an afterthought.

How Family Wins

The basic mechanics of the ending are fairly simple. Jakob and his oily business partner, poor little rich boy Otto (Thue Ersted Rasmussen), have successfully stolen access to Ares, a digital weapon operated from a satellite that gives its owners control over every operating system in the world. Or as Ludacris’ Tej points out, “Ares is the God War; if Jakob gets his hands on this, he’ll be the God of Damn Near Everything.” Once its upload is complete, Jakob and Otto will more or less be able to hold the whole world hostage.

The actual folks who save the day, then, are really Tej and Roman (Tyrese Gibson) who ride a rocket-powered Pontiac Fiero into space. By driving the car straight through the satellite, they prevent Otto from gaining control of the whole world’s digital space. But back on earth, he’s already cut Jakob out at this point, making a new deal with his brief prisoner Cipher (Charlize Theron). Which on a certain level you have to respect since she burned Otto harder than a thousand mean tweets with that “You’re Yoda” line.

By teaming with Cipher, the silver spoon prick sets Jakob up to die. Instead Dom’s little brother forms a new alliance with his long lost siblings, and together they bring down Otto’s truck and Cipher’s drone-controlled plane.

Why Dom Is Furious

More important than the plot mechanics of space travel and digital MacGuffins, however, is the relationship between Dom and Jakob. Established with total straight faced sincerity in the opening credits, Dom and Jakob’s backstory rewrites the very first The Fast and the Furious movie where we were told Dom went to prison for beating near to death the man responsible for his father’s racing crash. As we now discover through flashback, that was a lie that Dom only wishes was the truth. While the man who got wrenched might have helped cause their father to crash, Papa was set up to lose the race due to Jakob sabotaging the vehicle.

This is the dirty secret which caused Dom to banish Jakob from his sight after he got out of prison, and it is why Jakob remade himself into… well, John Cena. He wanted to be his own man and a greater alpha than his big brother could ever dream of becoming. Dom Toretto, the ultimate paterfamilias, pushed his actual flesh and blood away and has been attempting to replace him ever since.

It’s an interesting retcon which gives Toretto’s “Family” a little more depth and also sets Cena up to be a franchise mainstay, presumably replacing the unmentionable Luke Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson), whose offscreen beef with certain co-stars makes a return unlikely. Because, of course, Jakob really didn’t try to kill his father; it was Dom’s misunderstanding because their Dad asked Jakob to help him throw the race. And through the compassionate influence of Mia, Jakob discovers he really still wants to be Dom’s little bro.

It’s a nice sentiment, although it plays an interesting contrast to another major subplot in F9. Much of the film is rightly about bringing justice to Han (Sung Kang), who died in Fast & Furious 6/Tokyo Drift (the timeline is complicated). Yet his murderer was forgiven and accepted as a member of the family in The Fate of the Furious.

The Han of It All

In F9 it’s revealed that Han faked his death to protect a young orphan named Elle (Anna Sawai) in Tokyo. Nonetheless, the man Dom thought killed another surrogate brother was invited to the family barbecue in the last movie. Jakob did not kill anyone in Dom’s new family… but he did try to hurt Elle, whose blood held the Ares access codes. He certainly kidnapped her and threatened an extended member of the family. It’s also unclear if Jakob played a role in shooting down the plane Mr. Nobody (Kurt Russell) was on before the movie started, but he did work with Cipher at the time—the woman who also killed the mother of Dom’s child.

We of course don’t know if Mr. Nobody is alive or dead, but he was a close enough associate to Dom’s kin that they wanted to investigate his disappearance and save him if they could. In other words, Jakob is only a few degrees removed from Jason Statham’s villainous Shaw who was so quickly forgiven. But then, I suppose that’s why we never learn Mr. Nobody’s fate; nor is Jakob quite yet at the stage of being at the family cookout. That can come later, as there are at least two more mainline Fast and Furious movies in the works.

In the meantime, the film closes on Dom once again at the grill. Trej and Roman have returned from space after spending weeks on the International Space Station. It’s left ambiguous how there was enough food or oxygen for their unplanned visit, and how this wasn’t a global incident. (Also would international governments see them as heroes for stopping a terrorist like Cipher? And if so, would that not be a front page story around the world?) Whatever, they’re back from orbit and are now chilling in East LA with Dom.

And as food is put on the table, everyone waits for the one person whose chair remains empty. While the movie has the good grace not to CGI Paul Walker’s face into another scene, the unseen driver running late to the dinner is of course Brian. At least in this universe, the reunion is whole.

… And if you stay for the post-credits Han may yet truly bury the hatchet with the family’s most controversial member: Jason Statham. But that’s another story for another time.

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[kiame-sama]

The Mandalorian, The Child... The Stowaway?

Hello lovies~! I am here with stories for you~! I might continue this one or make a series of it. I dunno.

Anyway...

Warnings: injury, semi-sad moment, the kid is a cute brat, Mando ain't got time for this, Jawas.

~~~~~~

"I can't fix something that isn't broken."

"I saw it break, there is no possible way nothing's wrong with it."

"Then I guess you got lucky."

The mechanic waved away the confused and slightly irate Mandalorian who only glanced back at the Starcrest in disbelief. He knew for a fact some internal systems had been broken in an attempt to keep him from leaving with the child. He examined them himself beforehand, they were all damn near fried completely.

He didn't fix them, that's for damn sure. So who the hell did? The kid? No, Mando was fairly sure that the kid couldn't do something like that even with the odd abilities.

Was he that exhausted from the fight that he imagined they were damaged? It had happened before, but not like this. He was fairly clear-headed when he examined the ship and took note of the fried components. There was no reasonable explanation to it.

He let out a long sigh of frustration, pleased the ship was fine, unsettled that it had mysteriously fixed itself. As he made his way back up the hatch he heard an interesting noise. It was the kid. Laughing.

Now that was never a good sign.

Breaking into a sprint he made his way up to the cockpit, hastily opening the doors to see just what the kid had gotten into. What he found was... Nothing. The kid hadn't gotten into anything.

Then why was he laughing?

Now suspicious of the odd behavior of the child and the sudden repairing of the ship, Mando decided to scan for lifeforms on the ship. He didn't have to look long before a blip caught his attention. It was right behind him.

He fired his blaster in the direction of the threat and heard a feminine hiss, the child suddenly breaking out in frantic wails. He only glanced away a moment and when he looked back there was a figure laying on her side on the floor of the ship. They held their bleeding shoulder and was doubled over in pain. The robe they wore looked hauntingly similar to that of the Jawa, but this being was far too tall to be a Jawa.

"Who the hell are you?"

"I'm-"

"Why are you on this ship?"

"I-"

"Tell me!"

"I will if you stop cutting me off everytime I try to speak!"

There was a moment of silence, blaster still pointed at the stranger ready to shoot. The voice was feminine, but that didn't mean a damn thing to Mando. Many races could sound all sorts of ways and besides, gender meant nothing when it came to a damn threat on the ship. It was then Mando's hand holding the blaster began to shake, slowly moving against his will away from the strange woman. He quickly glanced over his shoulder to see it was the kid doing it.

But why?

"I've been here since you took the kid in the first place. Why the hell do you think he's never cried or thrown a fit?"

"How did you get on?"

"You were distracted and I saw a way off planet."

"Why this ship?"

"Did you happen to see any others anywhere on that planet? No? The nearest click? Nothing ever leaves the planet and I don't know how to fly. This was my best bet."

Given the fact that the kid- who was now passed out- went through so much trouble to get the blaster away from the being, Mando decided to do things differently. He grabbed a few things to patch up the wound he had given them before going on one knee before them.

The being looked over at mando, a black shroud covering their face making it near impossible to make out features, but it certainly was no Jawa. There was a moment of hesitation before the being accepted the items, drawing back to treat their own wounds. They let out a low hiss as they began silently treating their wound, incorrectly.

He sighed and shuffled closer, taking the items from the tense being and treating the wound himself, seeing as he actually knew what he was doing.

"Don't get hurt all that often, do you?"

"... No."

Now Mando started to feel how others must feel when talking to him. He was the one with short responses and no small talk, but he had to know more about his sudden and mysterious new associate.

"Fine. You came on here, then what?"

"Then nothing. I didn't know what I was doing the moment we got off planet. I had never left it before. So I did what I grew up doing, fixing, hiding, stealing."

"You stole from the ship?"

"No. Any time you would stop at a planet I would gather things I or the ship needed."

Another silence passed over the two as Mando silently took the being's words into mind, now realizing why the ship was always in such good condition and why things seemed to fix themselves. And their words certainly were true, nothing had gone missing from the ship, the child hadn't made a fuss the entire time, and it seemed the stranger was doing far more good than harm.

But that begged another question.

"What have you seen?"

"Nothing."

"I mean how much of me have you-"

"Again, nothing. I know the stories of Mandalorians and I know they never show their faces. I made sure to avoid you any time it seemed like you were going to remove your helmet, even if you didn't."

"Why? Any other would have taken the chance."

"I'm not here to ruin your life, insult your code, take your money, or hurt the kid. I just wanted to get off that planet for once in my life."

A noise almost like a chuckle came from Mando, but it could have also been a cough. As he finished wrapping the wound- which honestly wasn't that deep- he stood up, offering his hand to the stranger. After a moment of deliberation, the stranger allowed themselves to be pulled up by the firm grip.

"So what will you do now? Will you throw me off the ship, or dump me at the nearest inhabitable rock?"

"..."

"Well?"

"You can stay."

"Truly?"

"Yes. No more sneaking around."

"Deal."

"What cut do you-?"

"None. I can steal what I need from other planets. I just want to be allowed to stay on the ship... I've grown attached."

"To the ship?"

The being stood silently, as if trying to find an answer or process what to them seemed like an obvious answer to the pointless question.

"Yes. And to the kid... And to you."

"I don't need attachments."

"I know. That's why I've tried to stay hidden and out of your way. But, unfortunately, Jawas get attached to their ship and everything in it."

"You're Jawa?"

Another moment passed before the hooded stranger lifted their hands to the hood, pulling it back off of their head, the shroud going with it. Beneath was a surprisingly beautiful human face. Human (s/c) skin, (e/c) eyes, (h/c) hair. Certainly not a Jawa.

"I may as well tell you my little sob story and get it out of the way. I don't exactly want to surprise you and get shot again."

"There's no need for that-"

"Yes, there is. I get Mandalorians don't share, and I respect that, but it is important to me you at least know what's going on with me. A show of good faith. Maybe it will help you down the road, I don't know."

"Fine. Let's hear it."

It was then the kid came around, having spent such little energy on moving Mando that he was able to bounce back quickly. He blinked in a bleary eyed way around the cabin before extending both arms to the being with a happy giggle. The stranger wasted no time in picking up the child, allowing him to pull on their ears, hair, and nose. It was clear the child was very familiar with the stranger, cooing and giggling as he played with the hem of the stranger's robe.

"My name is (y/n). I'm obviously not a Jawa, but I was raised by them. I was traded to them by some disgusting monster of a human who wanted drugs in exchange for his own infant. Instead of killing me or trading me again, they raised me instead as a Jawa. I grew up as one, learning the full language and the basic art of stealing and trading it back to the person we stole it from, usually for something of greater value.

"But then things began to happen around me. Broken machines or droids came back to life, even when they were fried. I could understand their beeps and silent communication through electricity waves. Somehow people heard about me and came looking for me, to kidnap or to kill, I don't know. Many of my friends died protecting me. I had to leave to stop the killing.

"... Jawa grieve, you know. We mourn all of ours that die. It may be a surprise, but most Jawa communicate with each other around the galaxy. Better to have good connections for such small and fragile creatures when an entire galaxy is against you."

The stranger let out a soft laugh with pain in their eyes, holding the child close. The child gently cooed and lowered his ears as he took in his sad friend, becoming sad as well.

Mando said nothing, allowing the stranger to ramble as they wished, sharing what they wanted to share. It was a surprise to hear of any Jawa taking in a child as their own, but Jawa were strange after all. Mando knew it was a benefit to keep (y/n) around seeing how many of the damn things he runs into. Someone who was able to understand the Inner Jawa language instead of just the Trader Jawa was a useful person.

"Do you know why technology is different around you?"

"My kin said I was something called a Technopath, so basically someone who can communicate with, power, and control machines. Droids included. It can be useless at times and life saving at others."

Mando nodded, wondering faintly if you knew how to control and talk to the ship, but he would find out later. This odd human was a member of his crew and he didn't even know it. And thankfully they seemed to do more than their fair share of work. The kid was a handful, the ship was always getting damaged, and no doubt they've already taken stock.

This controlling droids business was something he curled his lip at, due to his hatred for them, but it was also a useful trait... If it was true.

What he knew for sure was this human had somehow hid directly under his beskar the entire time he had been dealing with the kid. They could have killed him if they wanted to and the fact that the kid clung to (y/n) just like how he clung to Mando proved a lasting level of affection.

So long as (y/n) pulled their weight, Mando would have no problems with them. Hell, they didn't even want payment, which made his life easier. He didn't have to adjust anything or change how he lived, but now he could see and interact with his unknown crew member.

"Where do you sleep?"

"The floor."

"Get a second bed installed."

"... Yes, sir."

[philosophicalparadox]

Orders of Magnitude

Or in other words, the post I said I was going to do about Elements and Personalities, for all you element-loving people out there.

WARNING: this post is LOOOOOOOONG, and came about from a mish-mash of Tarot, Astrology, Wiccan mythology, Rosicrucianism (a mish-mashed sect of Judaism, but with heavy Zoroastrian influence) Zoroastrianism, Mesapotamian demonology, and personal experiences with Paganism and various Spiritualist people. I have done FOUR DAYS worth of reasearch on this, and originally spelled all of it out in this post; however, TUmblr has a dumb word count limit so I had to cut out a good 7, admittedly boring, paragraphs on my reasearch completely out of it -- which was actually probably a good thing.

Now, as you can imagine, I hit a few bumps in the road once I got to Azazel, Beelzebub, and Samael; Beelzebub especially. Hence, he will be at the very bottom, in spite of being nowhere near the top; yes, that means I’m starting from the lower tiers of the heirarchy and working my way up.

1. Earth:

Earth elementals are strong, body, mind and soul. Once they’ve made up their mind, there is no changing it. Earth elementals are notorious for being stubborn and hard headed, but they are less known for their ability to be kind, nurturing and extremely loyal. They find a cause and stick to it, which can create a situation ripe for them to be conflicted with themselves, causing their confidence to rise and fall, though it seldom falls far. They are also quite notorious for having a hearty patience with things they are familiar with, and a shorter fuse with things that they don’t intuitively understand. They tend to be tradition-oriented, and are cautious to outright resistant to anything ‘new’.

2. Rot/Death

The Death arcana is a surprisingly positive one. Death means an end to things, both good and bad, and so death is not always such a bad thing. Decay and Rot, as well, are an end, and therefore the start of a new beginning. In light of this, death/rot can be said to be a remarkably carefree personality, who takes things at face value and seldom deeper. Death is a creature of conflicting self interests, with the ability to be both kind and cruel, and while they are steady, and therefore reliable, they tend to live life on their own terms, at their own pace, and tend not to dwell on things for too long. What’s in the past is in the past, and life is fleeting. They tend to be loyal to only a handful of very close friends, but are nonetheless friendly with everyone. That said, a creature of the Death personality is not one worth crossing, as they are notorious for having a cold, calculating kind of anger and are frequently spiteful. Their reputation for having a level head can get them into trouble, though, since they come off as careless or lacking remorse in dire situations.

Rot is the effort before death, however, a bridge between what is alive and what is dead. Rot probably would be best personified using eldritch myths  as inspiration, denoting a personality which, unlike death, can hang onto and hold stark grudges, and while steady in their anger, are probably more overt about it, if still passive aggressive. Decay, like death, is constant, and therefore reliable, but also wildly unpredictable; small things can impact decay as an event quite considerably. Rot is also sometimes associated with greed, given that it “consumes” life, which suits Astaroth as a demon quite well.

3. Water

Water elementals are probably the most relatable for the widest majority of humans. Water is the element of emotion, and consequently water types tend to be quite sensitive, for the good and the bad. Do not forget, however, that water has multiple states, making water types extremely adaptable and ‘fluid’ in the way they live life, going with the flow of things wherever they may go. Passive as they are, water types are harder to hurt than you would think, since they tend to roll with the punches as they come. That said, everyone has their limit, and when a water elemental reaches it, they become frigid and aloof, or else they boil with rage, and there is no in between. Water types also, being emotionally sensitive as they are, tend to be either extremely empathetic, or else completely remorseless, depending on the depth of their heart; after all, not all water is deep. Some water, however, is defiantly deep, and very, very dark. Water types are not just adaptable, but highly variable as well, displaying traits that are on an ever shifting spectrum; this makes water types highly unpredictable when meeting for the first time. But just as a river likes to keep to the course it has always taken, so water types are highly traditionally minded and usually steady, though they are known to change their minds with surprisingly little pressure, and have a unique ability to bond very deeply to people, places, and things. Water types are also undoubtedly the most self-aware, often acutely aware of themselves and their effect on other people; this can lead them to be quite self punishing. Passively tolerant of almost anything, it can be easy for a water type to find themselves getting run over or taken advantage of.

4. Fire

Fire is the element of passion -- and by passion, I mean the archaic meaning of the word, that is “powerful, raw emotions”. Fire is also a very relatable type, but unlike water, they are often very confident and undeterred by criticism or any kind of blow to their ego, since they have the ability, and spunk, to bite back instantaneously. Their ability to be quick and witty belies their fragility though; while fire types are very ambitious, they also do not tend to react well to failure to achieve their ambitions, and due to their outgoing nature, can be prone to loneliness. Fire is also sometimes considered the element of pride, as well as wrath - Fire types have a notoriously violent temper; even if it is short lived, it can be brutally intense, taking the lieu of either an explosion or a slow, hotter, burn. They have the ability to be very warm, to the point of being absurdly selfless, but in the same stroke can be exceedingly selfish as well, and have a very unpredictable nature overall. Wild and confident, they can be, and are often portrayed to be, quite cocky, which against a stronger opponent can become their downfall.

5. Spirit/Air

Ah, the contradictions here.

Air is the element of freedom, and I suppose spiritualism is too. Freedom is paramount to the air element, as stagnation is literally toxic to them. They must move, breathe, be active and most of all have few or no strings holding them back. That isn’t to say that air elementals can’t be loyal, but they often hold loyalty separate from responsibility. In fact, if there is any elemental personality that can hold a bird in one hand and a stone in the other, it is air. They often are capable of holding multiple ideas or correlated things separate in their mind, and it can, in the extreme, cause them to have a very biased interpretation of things. Nonetheless, if you’re looking for a socialite, air is your element -- they love to do, never holding still, and are usually very good at making acquaintances and generally getting along with everyone. However, air is also deeply private, and is reluctant to share personal things with others; having many friends for support, and few friends for close things is just the way they like it. Air is also the element of pride, and air elements can  be portrayed as...well, kind of air-headed. Impulsive, is the word I would use; they don’t like to stop and think, preferring action over words. Nonetheless, even the wind must calm down eventually, and air elements can be quite introspective and wise when they want to be. Their temperament is one of a fast-paced, impatient, and action-oriented individual, whose anger is typically very brief but very strong.

Spirit is something that has a very vague-at-best interpretation. Most often I hear Spiritualism described as a strong will or want for something.

Taking that into account, and with what we have seen of Azazel’s clones, as well as his kin, I would say that Spirit as an element is a manifestation of Willpower; the thing which gives life purpose, the drive that keeps all living things, well, living.

6. Time/Space, and the Devil

Now, the closest thing to Samael I could find was the Devil card/arcana. Devil arcana is one personifying -- well, actually, NOT the Devil. In fact, the Devil card is arguably one of the best cards you could recieve, provided it’s not inverted. People who are of a Devil type are upbeat, outgoing, and love, love, love to be the centers of attention. They are incredibly self motivated and independent, but also have innumerable connections through their often rich social lives.

That said, the Devil is a two-faced card; in one hand, the Devil represents outgoing passion and a strong, independent will; in the other, however, Devil’s enjoy their time to themselves, and are typically unconcerned with matters not directly affecting them.

The Devil inverse is one of the worse cards you could ever get, shy of the ten of swords; it’s a signal of impending calamity in personal life, one you got yourself into, but which you will struggle to escape.

Devil’s are adaptable, highly ambitious, and and incredibly devoted to whatever they do, but often are willing to set aside the needs of others to benefit their own. They are “big picture” thinkers and because of that can miss out on smaller details. They also can develop an over-inflated ego, or worse a superiority complex, when they are given too much due. (they’re not known for being humble).

Now, Time/Space element -- that’s a tricky story. Some mythologies do have Time lords (and even Time angels) but the details on their personalities are lacking. From what I garner, if Time/Space could be personified, it would be simultaneously fluid and ever-changing, as well as very vast and very consistent. Consistently chaotic, one might say. Time angels, in particular, seem very contradictory; in one way, they benefit mankind, in another, they torment them.

7. Light, and the Judgement arcana

Aka, the “order of the angels”. The Judgement card is one well known for being the only Tarot card to feature an Archangel, which is usually Gabriel, (the angel of the Moon, ironically) or Michael (the angel of the Sun, also ironic) holding a trumpet, or in some cases a spear.

This is meant to symbolize, obviously, a calling to a higher power; which is perhaps why people who align with the Judgment arcana are very, very ambitious.

Ambitious, and often polarized - there is always two categories that any situation, person, or circumstance can fall into with these people; Good, and Bad. Righteous, and Blasphemous. Divine and Devil incarnate. There is always a black and a white, and Judgment’s often have a hard time switching between the two once their mind is made up.

That isn’t to say that they are all bad people; Judgements are very well known for being major figures in history and mythology alike, doing either very great or very terrible deeds. Due to their polarized views, their actions similarly take on either a good or bad light. What matters is that to them, their ideology will always be the right one. One fairly consistent trait among these types is their refusal to admit defeat or wrongdoing, which can be both a great and a terrible thing.

Because of this, Judgments are very apt at coming up with justifications for their and other’s behavior -- but also a lack thereof, where those who are in the “wrong” are concerned. You will never be able to convince a Judgment that they are the wrong ones here, and any attempt at explanation will be taken offence to as an ‘excuse’. They earn their name - often concerning themselves with not how others think of them, but how others think of their ideas. Once considered to be on the “black” side of the spectrum, however, you are as good as dead to them, since they value loyalty -- not to themselves, but usually to their cause-- to be tantamount to how they judge you as a person.

Light is an element that I actually didn’t have to scavenge for. Light has a definite association, all over the world -- from wrathful sun gods to gentle, nurturing mothers; there isn’t a more universal deity in human history than one which features light at the center of their being.

Because it is so universal, you would think that it had very concrete associations -- and you’d be partially correct. But such global coverage means tons of tons of TONS of variations; you wouldn’t necessarily compare Horus to Amaterasu, after all.

That said, one thing all light deities symbolize regardless of where is hope. Hope for a brighter future, a better ending, a full belly, or a tender touch. Hope for good fortune, grace or humanity in general.

Kindness is often associated with Light as well, as is gentleness. Lucifer himself, in the New Testament, is described as an entity which “emits a gentle, warm light that is cold when touched” (paraphrasing). Light is alluring, because light is hope and compassion --

But be not deceived. Light is also a symbol of cunning, of deception and toxic self-righteousness (Sin of Pride, in the case of biblical Lucifer). Horus is a good example -- yes, he is a ‘good’ god, but he is also full of himself and well known for tricking other gods with his quick wit. (I know scholars often attribute Lucifer to a long-dead King, but I do honestly wonder if his mythology wasn’t borrowed from Egyptian gods as well, specifically Horus and Ra).

*8. Beelzebub and Insects/The Lord of the Flies:

Beelzebub is the only one that really doesn’t fit here. Doesn’t help that we know absolutely nothing about him other than his rank and his title.

Insect, in the generalized, common-use sense, could be anything with legs and an exoskeleton. Why, though, do insects get special attention?

Well there’s the fact that around 2/3 of the animal kingdom is made up of insects, if you count by number of species, possibly even higher. Arthropods, if you include them here, were the first things to walk on land, and they still exist here in the form of pill bugs and millipedes.

But I think Beelzebub is a manifestation of a very interesting concept as regards creepy-crawly things -- because humans have a deep, instinctive distrust of anything with legs and an exoskeleton from a young age. Yet insects have long, long been companions of mankind, in the form of now extinct homo-sapiens specific fleas and still-extant homo-sapiens specific lice. They also have a very good reputation for being pests.

That being said, is it so surprising that these feelings could manifest into the shape of a demon? As to what sort of personality he might have, I couldn’t really say. Mythologically Beelzebub is very belligerent and brutish, or else very cunning and cruel.

Well, that wraps it up for today. :) if you’ve any questions or comments, feel free to reply!

[catboyfeli]

the past few days i’ve been experiencing so much confusion and dysphoria towards the concept of nonbinary itself, and i think that’s part of why i used to oppose it??

it’s just?? i’m autistic so i take everything literally, so if someone identifies as their agab, but not the gender roles assigned to it, would they be nonbinary? what even is gender to most people?

i’m so loving towards queer cishets because, although i’m not cishet, queer attraction to men as a woman is a big part of my identity, and everyone has different interpretations of what gender is, so if someone experiences their gender as queer, but still identifies as it, wouldn’t they be lgbtq?

like, if a cishet man identifies as male, but does not conform to the male gender role, expresses himself femininely, experiences a disconnect from the male social role, and experiences attraction exclusively to women (or those who present as women), but in a way that isn’t the same as typical cishet men, would he be considered nonbinary or genderqueer?

people go on and on about self identity always being valid, but the second someone identifies as cishet and queer, they act like it’s contradictory. but heterosexual attraction and straight attraction aren’t the same thing?

people say lgbtq means anyone who isn’t cishet, but also talks about how cis individuals may identify as genderqueer, or something similar, to describe their connection to gender roles and social roles. so by that logic, someone can identify as cis + het and queer without it being contradictory.

it’s been on my mind a lot lately and makes me feel like bursting into tears because it’s so overwhelming and confusing and i hate how exclusionary and hateful the community as a whole is.

i just? i have one character i’m kin with, that goes beyond just having them as a character i relate to or find comfort in. he’s a cis man, but very feminine, doesn’t conform to the male social role in the slightest, attracted almost exclusively to women with a rare exception here and there for other feminine men, identifies as male but not with the male social or gender roles

i know it probably sounds silly to most people but for me, this kin majorly affects my identity and so often i just wonder? is he cis? is he nonbinary? i don’t fucking know??? sometimes people say nonbinary and genderqueer can also refer to one’s gender expression, and yeah, this character’s gender expression is 100% nonbinary. he doesn’t “act” like a man whatsoever and identifies more with women than with men, but still identifies as a man.

anyway the big problem is that i roleplay this character, and whenever i think about the fact that people would assume a straight man or lesbian wouldn’t be attracted to him, it makes me feel incredibly dysphoric, because like?? ok he’s male but he doesn’t behave or present male whatsoever, so yeah, some straight men and lesbians COULD be attracted to him because attraction goes far beyond gender identity and is affected more by gender expression than anything else

so this whole thing just makes me feel confused and dysphoric and i’m about to start my period so i’ve been real emotional and disassociative lately which makes me hyperfixate on this and it’s so UGHGHHGGHh.

it’s just so difficult to explain my feelings, beliefs, and experiences to others and it makes me so frustrated and upset.

i just wish? the community would come up with something to refer to actual non lgbtq people? instead of using cishet as a catch-all because it’s really not? someone who’s cis and het can still be queer in their experience with gender and sexuality, and although i’m neither, i’m still supportive due to my past confusion with all of this and knowing what i experienced was queer, but at that time, feeling as if cis and heterosexual best described me.

and plus now even if i was cis and het, my attraction to men and experience with gender would still be queer, regardless of my personal identity or attraction (or lack of) to women.

most of society sees gender as either male or female, depending on your sex or which one you want to transition to, and how you behave and present yourself is independent of your gender. which makes sense, but now i don’t know what i believe and it’s all so fucking confusing and some aspects of nonbinary enforce gender norms and others demolish it and it confuses and distresses the hell out of me

i just wish i had one person who understood my way of thinking, then i’d feel less alone and crazy, because like? a woman who presents as male can still conform to the female social role? gender expression refers to more than just presentation, and a woman who presents as female can not conform to the female social role. is that considered nonbinary or genderqueer? is that why people think i’m crazy for being supportive of queer cishets? is a person who identifies as their agab but has queer gender expression considered nonbinary or genderqueer? have i just been taking this “identity” thing too literally?

are gender and gender roles considered the same thing? because yeah, they are just about the same thing, but is that how other people view it?

typing this whole thing has helped a little with my thoughts but i still feel distressed and dysphoric as hell. i’m nonbinary, but still have a strong attachment to being female due to, you know, growing up as female and mostly conforming to the female social role, so seeing all this hate towards cishets makes me, by association, feel like shit, and seeing people constantly assume heterosexual attraction conforms to binary gender roles, makes me feel invalidated, invisible, and dysphoric. me being kin with a very gnc male character, who also experiences queer heterosexual attraction, makes it hurt even more and increases my distress and dysphoria.

like on tiktok? i saw some jerk say how “straight people shouldn’t use top/bottom” like??? first of all trans people?? second of all PEGGING?? like i said, i still feel strongly attached to being female, so this made me feel like garbage.

does the community consider those who do not conform to gender expectations as nonbinary or genderqueer? is cis used to refer to those who identify as their agab AND the gender and social roles that go along with it? am i the one who’s out of the loop?

feminine gay men (more specifically, mlm) are normalized in lgbtq spaces, but feminine straight and bi men when it comes to m/f attraction, aren’t, and are inherently assumed to conform to the male social norms. same with women, obviously, but i feel like it’s slightly more accepted with women.

even in bisexual spaces, m/m and f/f relationships are considered ‘superior,’ and m/f relationships are always assumed to conform to gender roles. by the lgbtq community, as well. people think m/f and het mean heteronormative, gender binary conforming. but it doesn’t. is there any sort of term or community for those who don’t conform to this? i’ve been meaning to make my own but i’d really rather not because i just don’t have the energy.

this is what i’m always talking about. this is why i thought so strongly i was just a cis girl that didn’t conform to the female social role. is my understanding of things just off? is being gnc considered genderqueer by default? and when i say gnc, i don’t mean a man who wears dresses or something, i mean men and women who don’t conform to the gender roles assigned to them because it’s who they are inside, not to make a political statement or whatever. i’m not gnc or nonbinary to make a political statement, i am because that’s just who i am.

anyway if i could just be a normal cis girl who isn’t exclusively attracted to femme men that’d be fucking amazing. sometimes i wish i was just a trans guy but even then i feel like i wouldn’t be completely happy since i’m just Not attracted to gender conforming men in the slightest. and yes, i’m bisexual, but lately it’s so rare that i’m attracted to women and when it comes to men, i’m exclusively attracted to femme men, not exclusively attracted to men as a whole.

so often i get jealous of trans men, gay men, and lesbians, and then i feel like an asshole because i shouldn’t be jealous but i am and i just wish i was one of them and not a fucking freak that doesn’t seem to fit any label or community properly. like my gay trans friend? i’m so jealous of him and i feel like an asshole. he has so much community and i have? nobody. i wish i was like him. i don’t know anyone who understands my attraction to exclusively femme men, and especially not girls who understand it. for a long time, you know, despite me feeling drawn towards the nonbinary label, i thought my lack of community of other women who understood how i felt and lack of representation, was why I felt that way, and I thus brushed it off as me being cis and confused.

knowing tumblr, someone’s going to see this and make fun of me or invalidate my feelings, as fucking always, so i don’t even know why i’m posting this. i just have nowhere else i can put it.

[mattkenzie]

So this year I was listening to some music the other day (I bought some CDs as I like to have something that I can physically hold) so I’m usually the guy who listens to rock and metal... But recently I’ve been listening to something that I don’t usually listen to “Dun dun DUN!” Musicals! So anyway I was listening to Say My Name (from Beetlejuice) on YouTube it does seem different from the old musical I disliked as a kid.

So anyway I was exposed to a musical Be More Chill (Two Rivers Theatre) and I loved how the music is so lively and upbeat. I enjoyed the humour (it’s pretty much my cup of Mountain Dew) but sadly due to this stupid law about distributing goods which contains a high amount of caffeine from the States we have to have our own “watered down” version of Mountain Dew without that crazy yellow colour and citrusy flavour that packs a punch (like explosive, but not sharp like 7up)... But I can make a mean UK variant of a “Mountain Dew Code Red” clone!). “Yes Squip... you love Lemon 🍋 but you hate Cherry 🍒”

My Fan Theory: So I thought I’d go straight to the plot point and talk about the plot device, the Super Quantum Unit Intel Prossessor (a.k.a S.Q.U.I.P) and why they originated from Japan. So I was watching this video from Gaijin Goomba a long time ago where he talked about his life living in Japanese society and since living there for a long time (as an english teacher). Gaijin Goomba was talking about this video MeMeMe (I won’t show as it’s NSFW) which has hit him home really hard with depression, so there were times he hid himself from his room where he is surrounded by his Manga and Anime. Now this is condition that is quite common in Japanese culture and the person who choose to live in recluse shutting themselves off from the world to become modern day hermits, known as a ‘Hikikomori’.

A Hikikomori is a person who shut themselves away from society by secluding themselves in their room and living off their parents and confine themselves to their rooms ignoring the world passing by them (this is considered shameful in Japanese society and the parents would keep their hikiomori son/daughter a secret from their friends, family and co-workers), so the hikikomori is surrounded by their love of video games, manga, anime, figurines, hentai... etc, all because that in their country Japan is a hyper competitive society. I know that in western society, we tend to joke about “the 40-something year olds who lives with their mother.”

Jeremy: You look like Keanu Reeves!

Sqiup: That is my default setting, I can be who you want to be, Jeremy. I can also be Sean Connery, Jack Nickleson or even a sexy anime female... tee hee hee.

Notice that the Squip quoted an ‘sexy anime female’ as one of it’s interface options so in my theory, I believe that Squips are pretty much aimed towards those who have high anxiety issues, little to no ambition or direction in their lives... Squips are aimed towards the hikikomori, so the Squip’s primary objective is to give the recluse subject an ‘incentive’ to leave their parents house or apartment by first becoming what they love the most... to become the subjects favourite fictional characters in a video game, tv show, cartoon or their favourite actors by becoming buddy-buddy with their subject by helping the hikikomori by not making the subject ‘cool’ but instead ‘independent’ by giving them basic life skills like cooking and go shopping. (Because in reality, their is a brother/sister program is the cheap and humane approach to get the hikikomori to come out of their rooms, get out of the house, get a stable job and become a reforming member of society.)

Starting with Be More Chill (Part 1) and pay attention to the lyrics.

Squip: (Song: Be More Chill, Verse 1) All your nerdiness is ugly.

Squip: (Part 1: Chorus) Oh everything about you is so terrible, whoa, everything about you makes me want to die.

We see that the Squip addressed Jeremy’s posture which is a start because posture is everything, next the Squip made an observation that Jeremy’s ‘nerdiness is ugly’ (like any typical Dad telling you stop being a kid, grow up, be an adult.) But put it in the perspective of a hikimomori, if the Squip did not once talked about the dangers of consumerism (though he should have) it wanted us to figure that one out on our own (as humans, we don’t) until later in the song in the second chorus and part 2.

In the first chorus the Squip is pleading to Jeremy that he needs ‘to live’ as a person (still no context) because the Squip wanted to say “I want to be your personal assistant, If you don’t live, I’ll have no purpose and I am giving you purpose in life, please don’t go down this path you’ll be no better than a hikikomori and I can’t live without you... I’m begging you!”

The second verse The Squip would request the subject to simply get a job (without using the words get a job) so it subtly told Jeremy to ‘buy a shirt’ because beyond school and college ‘the real world’ is competitive even in the Squip’s place of origin, Japan.

So in another chorus the Squip made a rebuttal that if Jeremy kept on living like a ‘nerd’ and a ‘slob’ the worst case scenario is that the childish things like anime and manga will become something more drastic... having hentai and porno magazines so the general public’s perception of you would be shameful and label you as a disgusting pervert ‘Everything about you [your lifestyle] sucks, you are such a slob’ (Yep, like the same traits Hikikomori that you didn’t gave us the heads up about the dangers of consumerism, Squip!) The Squip would go as far as literally going to the extremes of using ‘shock tactics’ to scare their hikikomori into looking at their lifestyle choices.

Now pay attention to the opening to Be More Chill (Part 2)

Squip: Now Repeat after me, oh everything about me is so terrible.

Jeremy: Everything about me is so terrible.

Squip: Good, Whoa, everything about you make me makes me want to die.

Jeremy: Everything about me makes me want to die.

Although the Squip didn’t mention (in detail) about the hikikomori lifestle, it went with the direct approach. “If you continue to like the life as a hikikomori, YOU WILL DIE ALONE because you are not living!”

But what happens if the subject chooses not comply with the Squip and rebel? Well the answer is simple, shocking the subject and gradually optic cloaking their parents to make the hikikomori think that their parents couldn’t put up with their anti-social behaviour anymore so the subject would believe that their folks gave up, packed up and moved. (Yep, the hikikomori could have the tendency to become violent so the Squip is protecting the subject’s parents so they won’t get hurt) and if the Squip fails to protect the subject’s parents, it would call the police.

My third case is controversial use for Squips and that is used on teenagers who have a cognitive behavioural disorder known as Chunnibyou this is known as Eigth-Grader Syndrome who consider themselves to be special (the chosen one, a hero, wizard, demon lord, angel, alien or a beast-kin) like symptoms and want these teenagers who refuse to let go of childish fantasies so the Squip tells the chouniibyou to grow up, stop believing that you are some sort of anomaly, you aren’t going to save or destroy the world because you know that deep down you are merely a human, you are a teenager who is slowly becoming an adult so act like one become members of society.

Final Synopsis:

It’s kind of a shame that a Squip doesn’t understand the concept of having a hobby but when you are an adult, society dictates that you have to let go of childish things because if you guys/gals and non-binary pals ever played Super Smash Bros. Brawl where you face Taboo in Subspace Emissary. You see, taboo is the final boss and in the dictionary it’s means:-

A social or religious custom that is prohibiting or restraining a particular practice or forbidding association with a particular person, place or thing.

Because society tells us that “as adults we are too old to be watching cartoons, play with dolls/action figures... etc” so because the Squip originated from Japan maybe it’s mentality is similar to having a work/business ethnic. (They have a different language when at work so if you are not speaking “business formally” you could get fired!)

To me I am an adult and their is a fine line between responsibility and freedom because there are times where responsibility demands sacrifice (I am a former Magic The Gathering player, yes, I may suck at the game but I love the art) but Magic The Gathering cards aren’t going to put bread on the table, my graphic novels aren’t going to heat up my house and I also need electricity to play my video games. There are times when a brand NEW book will arrives in a month but deep down I can’t afford so I have to put a few books back on it’s shelf and buy them next time.

If a Squip was in the US (or in my case the UK) mental health is important so I would feel sorry for the Squip to not understand how great it is to have things to be passionate about. Yes, being organised is one thing I know I have bills to pay, clothing on my back and food in the fridge but it’s OK to let my hair down and let off some steam once in a while and be spontaneous have some fun.

[foxglovesound]

💗Plumstar, Snowstar, Hollycloud and Rosepaw

💗 Ramble a bit about this character!

(keeping it under a cut bc its long. oops!)

Snowstar + Rosepaw 

why am i rambling about snowstar and rosepaw in one??? WELL ITS A FUN LITTLE FACT YOU SEE, since snowstar and rosepaw are major players in this comic, they actually symbolize/represent two of the four seasons (is symbolism the right word? i think more like. they can be ASSOCIATED with these specific seasons but. anyways): 

 Snowstar is the winter; she’s beautiful, elegant, and she’s tranquil, seemingly. she has a desire for peace and is open about this, and her presence can calm others. and when shes far away, others dream of her return and hope for her to get back in charge. they focus on the good things without remember the harsh realities of her personality: the brutality of winter, the way she views life as an “any means necessary”, and if she believes the cause is just, she doesn’t care how she goes about reaching that goal. she can be brutal and cold and calculating, just like how winter can hurt and trap others in place with biting blizzards.

whereas rosepaw is the spring; he’s all about life, vitality, and his arc is all about new beginnings and starting over again. he’s about the hope the beginning of spring brings, hope for a better year or a better life, and obviously he’s got a flower-themed name which is another Fun Leetle Allusion hehe. rosepaw is about change and growth, letting go of what’s haunting you from your past and moving on towards a better life that you can achieve. he’s young, lively, and bright-eyed, despite his former trauma, and growing into himself as the comic progresses

Hollycloud 

(might as well start referring to him as hollycloud more now that he’s about to hit his warrior naming ceremony hehe. anyways) fun fact! in riverclan, it is believed that it’s bad luck to be born during a storm, be it thunderstorm, rainstorm or snow storm. hollykit was born during a snowstorm the winter before this comic takes place.

no one of course calls hollycloud bad luck, but he feels like he is, deep down inside, which isn’t actually something anyone else knows about bc he rarely talks about it. but he does, and he thinks tragedy follows him. a month after he was born his father died (and, coldly enough, the stone pool that riverclan cats visit to sit in and spiritually/emotionally/mentally heal and/or lament to their lost loved ones had frozen over that winter after burnetpelts death. gorsefang shattered through the ice with an outcry). his friends, ember and copper, lost their own father only a month after that, and then his best friend otterpaw ends up being bullied and tormented by his own father. in fact, hollypaw was the one who caught elm holding otters head under water during one of the physical training session -- and although everyone praises holly for being there to defend otter and for bravely taking on elmfoot, a warrior twice his size and experience, holly still feels like maybe otter ended up in that position because he’s holly’s friend. then, only like a week or so before her assessment, emberpaw falls out of a tree and snaps her leg clean while out on a training session with hollypaw and copperpaw. everyone tells emberpaw how lucky she is that hollypaw and copperpaw were there and got her to their mentors and to camp in time but holly still again feels like maybe it was because he was there. in general he thinks death and tragedy follows him and it makes him exceptionally nervous.

Plumstar

poor old plumstar :( originally she was hollyclouds mother, rather than grandmother, and burnetpelt was hollyclouds older brother, but i changed it up a while ago for reasons i Cant really remember but. i still think it fits and makes sense

she was also exceptionally close to minkclaw, and kind of saw her as the daughter she never had. antfoot was minkclaws (second, after the death of her first) mentor, and so plumstar often went on their training missions and even helped train minkclaw. but her closeness to minkclaw was also another reason for why she didnt choose minkclaw as a deputy: not only was minkclaw, in her eyes, reckless and too-easily excitable, but also if she chose minkclaw it would be a sign of others that she was playing favorites for her kin (or, well, those close to her kin) -- which would make her a hypocrite, considering her quarrel with graystar started because she viewed windclan appointing him as next leader just because he was the descendent of aspenstar was playing a bias when graystar (at the time graytuft) was clearly unfit to lead.

[tamayokny]

Name ten favourite characters from ten different things (books, tv, film, etc.) then tag ten people

This was extremely difficult to do. The first two were easy, since they are my ride or die, but choosing 10 different characters? From ten different things? I don’t know if I even like 10 different things, but I found some loopholes, lol.

tagged by @bpdanakins <3

1. Lara Croft - Tomb Raider

Lara Croft has been one of my idols since I was a small child. My mom had bought Tomb Raider: Starring Lara Croft and Tomb Raider: Adventures of Lara Croft for my sister on the PlayStation. I remember watching my sister play it, and then sometimes I was allowed to play it. I continued the Tomb Raider legacy throughout the years.

Lara Croft is just. Amazing. I love every version of her. Classic Lara deflected the life her parents had wanted her to have, and paid the price for it. Did that stop her? No, it did not! She was able to make her own mark in the world. LAU!Lara wanted to find out what happened to her mother, and honestly I love Keeley Hawes as Lara. She was witty and funny, and Legend is one of my favorite TR games. And Reboot!Lara? I love her. I honestly don’t care what people say, Reboot!Lara is great! Her first game is also fun to play. Each version of Lara Croft offers something different, and I love it. While many of Lara’s core values are in each incarnation (adventurous, ambitious, brave, etc.), each brings a new perspective which I enjoy!

Fun fact: my irl best friend and Lara share the same zodiac sign!

2. Wanda Maximoff (Scarlet Witch) - Marvel

I LOVE WANDA MAXIMOFF WITH ALL MY HEART!!! She’s a huge comfort character for me. She’s one of the most powerful mutants (yes, I am ignoring the retcon), and she’s complex. Wanda first appeared in X-Men #4 alongside her brother, Pietro, as members of Magneto’s Brotherhood. Eventually, the twins become heroes and join the Avengers.

Wanda’s mutation is magic; probability, to put it at best. She can warp reality. While she is strong, she is also human. Many remember her best as having a mental breakdown and creates House of M (influenced by her beloved brother). After this, she goes off the radar for a few years before her reincarnated sons find her.

I love Wanda because she has heart, courage, and cares for others. She’s intuitive and sensitive and, in many ways, reminds me of myself. I genuinely love Wanda with all my heart. She remains to be my number one favorite superhero. I wish more people knew her--the real her. The MCU does not do her (or her brother) justice. At all. (At least AOU kind of got their “reluctant villains to heroes” origin story well enough?)

Also: fuck you Marvel for retconning Magneto as the Maximoffs’ father. It’s been 5 years but I still elect to ignore that.

3. Phoebe Halliwell - Charmed

Growing up, Charmed was one of my favorite TV shows. To sum it up, it’s about a group of sisters who discover that they’re witches. Specifically, they’re the Charmed Ones and they protect the innocent. For awhile, I’ve said that Piper is my favorite sister but after my last rewatch, I say that Phoebe is my favorite.

At the beginning of the series, Phoebe was the youngest and the rebel of the family. Before the pilot, Phoebe was living in New York but we see her move back in. We also see that she has a strained relationship with her eldest sister, Prue, due to her scummy fiancé. Phoebe is also the reason why their magic was unlocked. (As children, their powers were bounded in order to keep them safe.)

Over time, we see Phoebe mature more. However, there are a few things that never changes with Phoebe. She’s kind and caring for others, always wanting to help them no matter what. (She shares this trait with the youngest sister, Paige.) She is deeply connected with her emotions (which causes her to gain the power of empathy in season 6). Phoebe has also had rough luck with love (see: Cole the demon, etc.) but no matter how much she gets hurt, Phoebe still has hope. She still has love in her heart. No matter how much she gets knocked down, she finds a way of getting back up, and I admire her a lot for it.

4. Catelyn Stark - A Song of Ice and Fire

Family. Duty. Honor. This is House Tully’s family motto, which is deeply embedded into Catelyn. Catelyn was married to Ned Stark during Robert’s Rebellion, after her former betrothed was murdered in King’s Landing (who, ironically, was Ned’s older brother). Their wedding night resulted in the birth of their firstborn: Robb Stark, heir to Winterfell and King in the North.

Catelyn Stark is the mother of the wolves, and her love for her family is no doubt a core of her character. However, Catelyn is clever and if you mess with her, you will certainly gain her wrath. Her eldest values her for her wisdom, and will turn to her for help. She will do anything for her family, such as freeing Jaime Lannister to get her girls back, or offering herself to save her eldest during the horrific events of the Red Wedding.

Catelyn is murdered, along with majority of the Stark party, at the Red Wedding. However, she is resurrected and becomes Lady Stoneheart. Stoneheart is out for vengeance, because she believes all of her children are gone; taken by the enemy. Stoneheart murders Frey or Lannister alike--whoever is associated with them. She holds no mercy.

There is so much more to Catelyn that I could go on, but I will stop here. (Besides, I need to reread the books again!) I will say this: fuck you, D&D.

5. Erik Lehnsherr (Magneto) - Marvel

MAGNETO TIME? MAGNETO TIME.

Erik Lehnsherr was a young boy when World War II happened and because he was Jewish, he was sent to Auschwitz. His family did not survive, but Erik did. Depending on what you follow on, Erik either A) escaped with Magda (who is the Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver’s mother) and started a life with her or B) he hunted down the men who worked for Sebastian Shaw (movie universe).

Anyway, Erik had been a mutant since around the time he was sent to the camps and after the horror and trauma he’s faced, Erik decided that mutants would never be accepted by “their less evolved kin”. So, he became Magneto, a protector for mutants and enemy for humans.

Magneto is only one side of the coin, however. Charles Xavier is a longtime frenemy of sorts, both having different perspectives in life. Xavier believes in coexistence, but Magneto believes otherwise. He had seen what humanity is capable of, and he never wants that to happen again. If he must be a villain, than so be it.

Magneto is beautifully complex. He has done some questionable things (I’m thinking of the comics for this one), but he has also done great things for his people. “Never again,” he says. He fights to keep it that way. Magneto is sympathetic at best, and I certainly understand where he comes from. Tell me this: if you were Magneto, what would you have done?

Also: while Michael Fassbender is not Jewish in any way, he did one hell of a job portraying this amazing character.

6. Kira Yukimura - Teen Wolf

I wasn’t planning on adding Teen Wolf to the list, but here I am.

Kira was introduced to us in season 3b, written as a “new love interest” for Scott McCall. I remember a lot of fans of a certain ship were pissed, but whatever. I’m not here to talk about romance.

So, in 3b Kira was a new student, with her dad as the new history teacher at Beacon Hills High School. She’s of both Korean and Japanese descent, and she ends up playing an important role in the story arc. We find out that she’s a Kitsune, thanks to her mother who explains how a Kitsune and a werewolf must come together to defeat the Nogitsune, who happens to be possessing the loveable Stiles Stilinski.

After this, Kira becomes a part of the McCall Pack and Scott’s girlfriend. In my opinion, they’re cute together but many people hate them together. Oh well. Kira also becomes a badass in her own right, as her abilities evolve. However, in season 5, the creators put her on the shelf, as she trains with Skinwalkers and is never seen again. I am so fucking MAD about that.

Like many characters on this list, Kira has heart and courage. She’s a bit of an introvert but she is loyal, and cares for her pack. She’s cute and a bit goofy. She is skilled and deadly. Kira is one of the coolest characters Teen Wolf had, and the way they treated her was disappointed. (Even though after her death, Allison was always mentioned/connected in some way. I like Allison, don’t get me wrong but all I can say is: interesting...)

Fun fact: Arden Cho, the actress, is the VA for Sam Nishimura in Tomb Raider (2013)!

7. Lois Wilkerson - Malcolm in the Middle

The mother of four boys, the matriarch of the Wilkerson household is not one to push around.

Lois has had a rather rough life. Her parents were not the best, and everyone tries to push her down. However, Lois fights back and is not afraid to stand up for what is right. Francis, her oldest, describes her as an absolute menace and while her sons and husband fear her, they also admire her for her strength and courage. Lois is tough as nails, but she can also break, too. However, her family--the family she and Hal created, no one else--is there for her. Lois is incredibly strong willed no matter what, and I love her so much.

8. Theon Greyjoy - A Song of Ice and Fire

No words can describe on how much I love this fashionable war criminal.

Before the start of the series, Theon is a hostage/ward of Lord Stark, as a result of his father’s failed rebellion. Theon was a reminder that if Balon Greyjoy pulled something again, his last (male) heir would get the chopping block. Pretty brutal for a young child, right?

Now, at the start of the series, Theon is nineteen and is seemingly best friends with Robb Stark, the heir to Winterfell and the North. He shows loyalty to Robb and the Starks, claiming that Lord Stark was like a father to him. He’s also skilled with archery and, like I mentioned earlier, fashion.

Then A Clash of Kings occur, and we began to see how Theon Greyjoy is.

Robb Stark has been proclaimed as King of the North, and sends Theon to the Iron Islands in hopes to gain allies with Balon Greyjoy. However, this does not occur. Old Greyjoy says “fuck that and if you’re [Theon] aren’t with us, then you‘re against us.” We see Theon conflicted, but we also see how strained his relationship with his father is. In the end, Theon joins the Greyjoys, and promptly sacks Winterfell. However, that is not the end. Theon is tricked by Ramsay Bolton and this vile man takes Winterfell. I believe while he took the women and children captive, the men were killed...save for Theon, of course.

Theon is held captive by Ramsay Bolton, and is tortured quite brutally. Theon goes through a lot in this time. His appearance had changed drastically: black hair turned white and brittle, he becomes skin and bones, and loses a few fingers and toes. Theon is no longer Theon. He became Reek. The new Reek.

Then, Jeyne Poole (or Sansa; I hate you D&D) arrives, under the guise that she is Arya Stark and she is to wed Ramsay Bolton. Jeyne begged Theon to help her, but he is in no position of power. He is a completely broken man. Time flies by. Jeyne is in absolute misery but with the help of Mance and some spearwives, Theon is able to escape Winterfell with Jeyne during a winter storm. Currently, in the books, Theon is set to be executed by Stannis Baratheon, who is currently holding him captive.

Theon Greyjoy may be a fuckup, but to me he is such an amazing character. He holds much conflict, from being a hostage/ward to Prince to prisoner. Theon Greyjoy may have done a lot of shit, but he is also a survivor. Everything he has been put through, he somehow lives to see another day. Despite holding negative feelings to Lord Stark and everyone around, claiming he owed no one anything (fair enough), he loved Robb. When Theon had found out he was murdered at the Red Wedding, you know what he thought?

I should have been with him. Where was I? I should have died with him.

Theon is far from perfect, but that is what makes him great. He has come so far, and I hope his journey does not end any time soon.

9. Suki - Avatar: The Last Airbender

Zuko may have the best redemption arc (or does he? See above.), but Suki holds a special place in my heart.

We first meet Suki season one, on Kyoshi Island. She is the leader of the Kyoshi Warriors, and effectively puts Sokka in his place. However, when Sokka requests a few lessons, Suki is happy to help...as long as he followed the guidelines.

Suki is a certified badass. Although a non-bender, Suki has incredible skill and event went against Azula. However, Suki and the others surrendered (so that Appa would not be captured), leading to her imprisonment at Boiling Rock. Eventually, Sokka and Zuko free her (with the help of Mai). After this, Suki joined the Gaang in ceasing the 100 Year War.

Suki is strong but like many other characters in this list, she has heart. She is an effective leader and fighter, offering her help whenever she can. Too bad she was never mentioned in The Legend of Korra. Suki is underrated and she deserves more love and respect.

10. Max Mayfield - Stranger Things

We first meet Max in season 2 as the new girl in Hawkins. She seems like your average girl but she quickly gets tied into the party after Lucas begs her to show her what has happened with him and the rest of the party. However, there’s a lot more to Max.

Max moved to Hawkins with her mother, stepfather, and stepbrother. It’s easy to see that Max and Billy, her stepbrother, do not get along. Billy is outright mean to her, lashing out at practically every chance he gets. Max fights back, however...especially when he threatens her friends.

In season 3, we finally get to see Max and El bond. (Thank God we didn’t have to put up with the “jealousy” tidbit. I would have--) El believes that Mike is lying and Max is like, “Well yeah. Come on let’s go to the mall!” and the girls have a blast together. I was so happy to see the two bond and have fun. I was so happy that El was spending time with someone other than Mike. I was so happy the girls were having fun by themselves. Honestly, the best part of season 3 was them becoming friends.

I love Max because she is confident and is not afraid to speak her mind. She’s funny and in many ways, we are alike. (Especially with our attitudes on boys and relationships.) However, Max is also vulnerable. We see this with her stepbrother, especially in season 3 I think. Their relationship was drastically different in season 3 and while many didn’t like it (myself included)...I also thought about Max. She’s a young girl and no matter how much bad blood was in between them, it will be traumatizing to see a transformation like this to someone you know quite well. It would be scary.

Anyway, I love Max.

Honorable mentions: Kitty Pryde (Shadowcat), Ororo Munroe (Storm), Jean Grey (Phoenix), Anna Marie (Rogue), Sam Nishimura, Malia Tate, all of House Martell, Dustin Henderson...

Thanks for reading! I hope you all enjoyed reading this. Tell me, do I have a certain type of character that I’m attracted to? Also, I’m not sure who has all done this, so if you haven’t it: who are your top 10 favorite characters? Let me know!