#it felt good to unmask in the interaction

[leahcee]

working to unmask and really be myself around my friends and I kinda started today with my two old friends with retail bc one of them texted in our old gc.

[drdemonprince]

Can we really expand our window of tolerance as autistic people? I’ve been working on that kind of thing for so long and I can’t tell if I’ve made any genuine progress or if I’ve just unconsciously doubled down on masking :(

We can! But our expanded distress tolerance can't come out of nowhere. Something has to give. So for example, for me, I have way fewer sensory issues these days than I used to have, by a wide margin, and I have significantly less social anxiety and don't need much social recharge time on the level that I used to. I have more distress tolerance for sensory input and for social stressors now than I ever have before -- but this has required lifestyle changes and unmasking in order to get there. Let me break down both these improvements and how they happened:

Even as recently as a year ago, I would have terrible sensory meltdowns on a regular basis. But I haven't had a single sensory meltdown in months, maybe not even a single one for the entirety of 2023 so far? And that's because I have a) cut out caffeine, dramatically reducing my physiological stress levels, b) cut back on some workplace stress by reducing my commitments, c) stopped taking on additional projects outside of work that I didn't want to do and that only caused me stress (workshops and talks), and d) began working from home far more consistently, and made myself a wfh office that is more comfortable.

Now I operate from a really solid base of sensory comfort most days and I'm not overloaded with information or overwhelmed with obligations. This means I am far more tolerant of screaming people on the bus, the upstairs toddler slamming her feet on the floor, ambulances blaring by, noisy concerts, people bumping into me at the bar, etc.

I also am, for the first time in my life, clear-headed enough to recognize when I am starting to experience sensory distress, and can intentionally put on sunglasses or pop in ear plugs or remove myself from an upsetting situation more quickly. I had to experience what being relaxed and not overstimulated felt like, and get accustomed to living that way, in order to recognize subtler signs that I was feeling shitty and take steps to address those small annoyances before they exploded. I can handle a lot "more" in an intentional way now because I built my life to allow "less." My overall distress tolerance has still expanded -- but it's because I stopped masking and began attending to my sensory and stress regulation needs.

For the social piece, my distress tolerance has also gone up due to unmasking. If I was still motivated by passing as NT or being socially acceptable all the time, I'd be so overwhelmed being around people and worn down by every interaction. I also wouldnt be able to advocate for myself. But in the past few years I've become more and more openly weird and outspoken in my needs and true feelings, and I've recognized that the right people actually love me more when I do so and show up for me, and so being honest or even difficult to deal with is not really a threat.

This means I just don't experience much distress being honest or difficult to deal with anymore. I really can tolerate the discomfort of telling someone they're wrong or that I'm hurt without freaking out about being hurt or abandoned, because I've had a lot of good experiences with it and because I enjoy being unmasked so deeply that I just can't put my personality back in a bottle.

Masking lowers distress tolerance because it frays your nerves with stress and wears you out and bars you from ever getting to attend to and regulate your discomfort when there are signs of it happening. In order to increase your distress tolerance, you actually have to learn to better honor your discomfort early, and preventatively, so that you don't bubble over into a meltdown after days or weeks of ignoring your needs.

I think some people think distress tolerance is about becoming more tough, but it's quite the opposite. We become more resilient by getting better at recognizing and attending to our hurts.

[itsaspectrumcomic]

Hi! I'm autistic (self-diagnosed) I can't really get an official diagnosis, I feel broken, defective and lonely and because of the self-diagnosis I sometimes feel like a fraud. I feel I don't fit in anywhere, not even with autistic people. I was in an online group with autistic people and even there I felt alienated and ignored. I just write this to let off steam, I don't know if I'll ever find friends who accept me for who I am, apart from that I'm not good at interacting with new people. Since I have memory I've felt like an alien.

I understand, I've often felt the same, both pre and post diagnosis. Being autistic (including self diagnosed which is 100% valid!) can be really hard, especially with social stuff - it's part of the criteria after all.

It's a common idea that autistic people will get on with other autistic people, but that's not always the case; every autistic person is different, just like every allistic person is different. We all have different personalities, likes and dislikes, so two people aren't necessarily going to be friends just because they're both autistic. And that's OK.

At the same time, there are so many people in the world, you are guaranteed to have things in common with some of them, and you will find people who care about you and accept you. They may be in your life already and you just haven't discovered it yet.

You might find it helpful to read Unmasking Autism by Dr Devon Price, particularly Chapter Seven: Cultivating Autistic Relationships. He talks about the idea of finding your 'strawberry' people - people who have been kind and loving towards you - and putting energy into those relationships, while putting less energy into less positive relationships.

I know it's hard, and it can take a lot of effort, but please keep trying! There are a lot of kind and accepting people out there and I promise you will find them ❤️

[gripes-withthesun]

In the comments section of a youtube video someone was talking about a few comedians, one of whom had mentioned in an interview this other comedian tended to be a lot more reserved when it was just them as friends hanging out. Another person commented and said how sad they felt hearing that this person was more reserved outside of shows.

Not to imply anything about the comedian in question, but it struck me how much people see nd traits when unmasked not as a sign of comfort but as a tragedy. This person seemed to believe that this man was somehow secretly unfulfilled and lonely and that's why he had gotten reserved in private, rather than seeing someone's state in their comfort zone as just being what is natural to them. When I'm at my most comfortable with my friends I tend to quiet down and let interactions wash over me and it's not because I feel sad or out of place but because I finally feel safe enough to unmask and not perform expected levels of expressions and enthusiasm around them anymore. That is a good thing!! Your nd friends and acquaintances not having to perform social etiquette and "normal" emotional reactions and "normal" ways to show joy is not a tragedy! That's them finally getting the chance to be in their own skin for once. Let's celebrate people unmasking more!

[kisuminight]

I mentioned before that c!Tommy does have a run-in with c!Dream and c!Niki during Dream's Syndicate Arc. It's an interesting meeting, because it forces Tommy to engage with, and reflect on, the image that he's built of Dream in his head.

See, Tommy runs into Dream and Niki when they're doing resource gathering. The two of them have separated a little, but not too far--out of line of sight but still within shouting range. So Tommy runs into Dream when Dream is nominally alone--and doesn't recognize him.

Dream is in blue and white. In a cloak, not a hoodie. His hair is braided, but it's visible--which is more than Dream really ever used to let it be. More importantly, Dream is unarmored and unmasked--when Dream never felt close enough to Tommy to bare his face to him, and didn't even feel safe enough on his own server to walk around unarmored since after the L'Manberg Independence War.

So Tommy comes crashing up and shouting hello to someone he thinks is a brand-new member of the server. And Dream freezes and just about has a panic attack. Because it's bad enough that he's interacting with someone other than the Syndicate, he's now interacting with Tommy. More importantly, Tommy is the person most likely to realize that Dream hasn't lost his memories--if only because of his sheer obstinate paranoia that Dream is always out to get him.

Worst of all, even if Tommy doesn't hurt Dream directly, he's going to tell people. Spread the word that Dream is back, it Niki's Blade, and that is going to put Dream in danger, put Niki in danger when people come hunting for power because apparently power is more important than peace.

For now, though, Dream needs to make sure that he really, really sells the no-memory, newly Awakened Blade bit. And keep Niki out of it, if he can. Being a Blade with an "unknown" Driver will grant her more protection inter-personally than any reputation she could gather by being in Resonance with Dream.

Dream tries to keep his voice quiet and soft when he introduces himself. Make it not immediately recognizable. He shouldn't have bothered. Tommy recognizes it, sputters out Dream's name, and then descends into cursing. He's go a sword in his hand and he's going for Dream.

Dream gets caught in his own head--does he pull his own sword to block and blame it on Procedural Memory? Does he pull his Soul Weapon and let the fishing rod take the blow to throw Tommy off further--too busy trying to be not-previous-Dream.

Then Niki is there (she came as soon as she felt Dream's rising panic). Her shield counters Tommy's sword, and she puts herself between Dream and Tommy. Dream shivers in her shadow and tries not to feel pathetic about feeling grateful.

"Tommy," Niki greets. It's a cool tone, nothing like the warmth she uses for the Syndicate. Her emotions are a curdled and bitter underneath Dream's tongue, though it doesn't seem actively hateful. "Are you alright Dream?"

"Yeah," Dream mutters, fighting the instinct to move further behind Niki. "The kid came out of nowhere." Tommy is a threat because he's surprising, not good at combat--if he tries anything, he won't be able to do enough damage to outpace Dream's healing. The real problem will be if he tries to make a trap, or if he calls backup.

"What the f*** Niki! Why are you protecting Dream!" It's not really a question, as Tommy tries to edge around Niki to get closer to Dream. "And you! Aren't you even going to acknowledge my name?"

Dream takes a deep breath, steps forward, and looks Tommy dead in the eye. "Why do you think I know your name? You didn't even introduce yourself before trying to attack me." He's trying for reasonable. It even comes across that way, for all that his mouth is set in a nervous line and his hands keep clenching and unclenching because he wants a weapon but is worried about making the situation worse.

~

The entire situation is a mess. Tommy is convinced that everybody is Wrong and that Dream isn't a normal Blade (true, not that Dream knows) and that Dream somehow remembers his previous life (also true) and that everything Dream did in his previous life was deliberate without input from Dream's Driver (he's one of the few people to get that right) because Dream is evil (false).

Tommy is Not Dealing well with seeing Dream unexpectedly again. He is incredibly resistant to adapting his mental image of people, especially Dream. Since L'Manberg's creation, Dream has been the Enemy. Tommy has a valid reason for why he feels so negatively about Dream--but he's also obsessive about it, and tends to project his feelings for Dream onto Dream (which is... not helped by cannon!Dream eventually falling into using fear as a mechanism to make Tommy do what he wants, or Blade!Dream's passive attention-attraction).

~

Dream is lying extra hard about not remembering and honestly just trying to convince himself that it would be a Bad Idea to just take Tommy's last canon life. Tommy's biggest threat to George was a combination of his chaotic nature, general antipathy, and Dream's lack of a Memory Patch. Tommy is generally sympathetic to Niki, so he's less likely to just start trying to kill her Because.

The problem is that he's feigning that he doesn't have his memory, and suddenly attacking Tommy wouldn't make any sense for the "character" that Dream has been portraying to the Syndicate. In the past, terrifying Tommy has made Tommy run--but Dream doesn't look scary now. And if he tried to make himself terrifying, well, that's hard to blame on Procedural Memory and it might be enough to push Tommy over into attacking Niki, too.

~

Niki still doesn't like Tommy. She's gotten over her desire to see him dead, but there's still a general distrust. She's stopped blaming him for things that weren't his fault--but he's on thin ice for upsetting on of Her People, and it's made worse by the fact that she's getting all the chaotic ups and downs as his presence turns the Emotional Bleed from Dream into a storm.

So Niki plants herself between the two of them and does not move. Tommy's good, but Niki is better, especially as she's been training with Techno as part of the Syndicate meetings. If it comes to a fight, she's confident that she can take Tommy out.

~

While it's a mess, I don't think it would end up in the kind of mess that ends with any of the participants dead. Dream basically going "I don't even know who you are," in various levels of plaintive both makes things better and worse. Tommy is furious that Dream is pretending that everything that happened means nothing, furious that Niki is agreeing with Dream, and furious to cover the deep, cold hurt that is trying to rip him up inside because they were right and Dream doesn't even know him anymore.

Eventually, Niki manages to get him to back off for now. Tommy is loud and brash and declares that he's going to prove everyone wrong about Blades and that Dream really does remember everything. Then he goes charging off in a huff to get Tubbo in on the "plan." Niki takes one look at the situation and decides that it's time to take an extended vacation in the arctic, actually. Tommy doesn't know where her city is, but she doesn't want to be trapped there while waiting for him to get over himself.

Overall, this AU probably isn't going to end with proper closure for Tommy in any way. At this point, the way he's fixated means that he won't stop until he's sure that Dream is gone for good, and finally convincing him that Dream's memories were lost (no matter how false that is) will probably be the best short-term solution.

Admittedly, in the long term it's going to make Tommy feel pretty betrayed, but the Syndicate aren't really characters that care about his opinion overly much? Well, Ranboo might care about how it affects his relationship with Tubbo. But Techno mostly cares that Tommy is annoying and also betrayed him and to Philza, he is just Some Kid that Wilbur was attached to (and Wilbur hasn't even been revived in this AU).

Tommy is good as a plot device and as a character--but he's chaotic and difficult and also he and Dream need to have their therapy arcs in separate time out corners if they're ever going to recover from the catastrophe their relationship became. So for the sake of the story and also healing, Dream's Syndicate Arc is getting precedence

[stickywhiteash]

Sukea/Kakashi x Reader

Warnings: none!

Imagine meeting Sukea for the first time.. He feels so damn familiar, but you can’t put your finger on it.

Could it be his Chakra signature?

You ask him out to lunch to find out a few more things about him. Sukea claims he was in the ANBU and probably has passed by you from time to time. Yeah, that’s probably why. .

Second time meeting him, and he’s hanging out with Team 7 without their leader. Something about finding out his face? Sukea attempts to convince you by saying, “Well, it would be a good team exercise for them wouldn’t it?” There it is again, another strike of familiarity. You’re so close to figuring it out, yet so far. After a day’s work of failing the “S Rank” mission that is unmasking your coworker, Sukea takes you out to dinner for the trouble.

By the third date, you two are on close terms. Ran into each other a couple of times in and out of Team 7 unmasking shenanigans.

You notice he doesn’t like sweets or fried food when you go out to eat. His eyes are very expressive. And for some reason avoids Guy like a plague.

The realization hits you hard. It’s no wonder why you don’t feel guilty falling head over heels for the handsome photographer. This fucker is the same person as the copy ninja you’ve secretly loved for the past decade. No words are spoken on the matter. For now, the reveal is closed behind tight lips to see how far this man will go.

How much of his act is real, you wonder. Where the lines blur between Kakashi and Sukea, you’re not really sure.

Fourth official date, you pay special close attention to his mannerisms. No matter how good an actor one can be, cracks manage to find their way to the surface. The way he pulls his hand back, hesitant, then allows himself to touch yours. Connecting the gap between you and him. A kiss was stolen that night. Then another, turning into a heated passion that abruptly stops. Sukea pries himself off of you and excuses himself to go home.

On the fifth date, he appears nervous. Is that sweat starting to form on his forehead? Sukea swallows what could be guilt. Your lips press to a thin line. Waiting. Expecting. A part of you finds this amusing. Seeing him struggle to find the strength to spill the truth. You know that the face you’ve uttered sweet words to belong to someone close to you. How far those romantic connections go when it actually came to Kakashi, is uncertain.

As he’s about to open his mouth for what seems like the sixth time, you interrupt him. “I know.”

Relief. Guilt. Confusion.

Once again, Kakashi is at a loss for words. A few seconds pass by followed by a meek apology. There was no intention of hurting you. He hopes that you would forgive him. Every once emotion ‘Sukea’ had whenever he was with you was real.

Something about being masked, well in his case unmasked, felt more natural to interact with you. Talking, making jokes, all came easy. The only problem: after coming clean would you still be able to look at him the same way? Internally he prayed before this date you won’t hate him. That you’d believe the words he mumbles. Even now Kakashi worries that you love the ‘made up persona’ of him more.

A stifled laugh causes him to look up at you through the messy silver hair that’s been held up in a wig.

Of course you’d still love him. Masked or unmasked.

Both of your hands take either side of Kakashi’s face and pull him in for a kiss.

How else would you have found out his little persona so quickly?

[positivelyadhd]

hello!! I have returned with another random thought about ADHD/neurodiversity that I feel like I've known for ages but never really had the words for it so! this is partially an infodump because I can't shut up but also if you don't mind reading my long ramble on the relationship between ND people and online spaces I would love to know your opinion because I haven't seen many people talking this?

I have written a long rambly thought dump that I'll put under the cut if you want to know the details but the TLDR is: I think something about the internet is just a lot more suited to ND people and gives us more of a place to unmask than the real world does? in my experience, the more online I was the more unmasked and happy in myself I was but when I started masking to fit in in the real world I kind of,, lost that?

I've always felt there's a very strong link between neurodivergent people and social media and well tend to gravitate towards each other (which I adore and would love to write an essay about one day when I can function better! I wanted to study it for my dissertation at uni but there wasn't really enough to go on sadly </3)

but I've also been thinking about masking and I just realised,,, in my own life at least, I feel like online I naturally unmask? and I don't know if that's because I'm around neurodivergent people online more often and them unmasking makes me feel safe to unmask or if it has more to do with the way social interactions are inherently different online (I always feel there's less room to overthink/it's less draining. I only have to think about my words rather than body language/expression/volume/how the other person is responding ect ect)?

I have been chronically online since I was about 12 and that has shaped me as a person very much (and saved me too <33) but I always felt more able to unmask online and was also more likely to actually be rewarded for it? by meeting other neurodivergent people that would talk about The Thing We Love!!

I met my best friends online and they all happen to be neurodivergent (although we didn't know at the time!) and I know this is a very common experience for neurodivergent people! and it's partly why I think the internet is so wonderful!

when I was younger I had a fanpage on Instagram that got more followers than it should've given how young I was and I'd become a part of a community I was so happy and safe in which kind of,, made up for the fact I didn't have that at all in school?

I have been having the usual quarter life crisis recently and a lot of that is because in those few years I had no friends but an online space I loved I was so sure of myself and my identity I think because I had a space I could unmask freely? I also wasn't very good at masking at school so I struggled to fit in but I was happier knowing I could be myself then trying to force myself to be something I wasn't?

eventually I did make friends irl who I adore but around that time is when I started to lose who I was, I hadn't realised until just now that the time I started fitting in with other people was the same time I stopped doing the things I loved and ended up so burned out most everyday tasks are overwhelming?

also like I see a lot of people say, getting my diagnosis taught me to start understanding how to accept myself and it changed my life for the better! my school didn't do anything to support me but I learnt a lot about myself and started to understand that I am,, different to neurotypical people and that's okay!! however,, back then the neurodoversity movement was nowhere near as great and listened to as it is now so I feel like I almost,, gave up? felt like I'd been told by the external world so many times that I had to mask that I learnt how to?

i think unconsciously I started masking instead of trying to grow towards self acceptance like I was before. but with the way the wider world is talking about neurodiversity now I feel like the whole concept of unmasking is more acceptable now? also I am an adult that can make my own decisions not a 13 year old that has teachers and other 13 year olds so I don't have to deal with people not accepting me the way I did when I was younger?

idk if that makes any sense but I have many thoughts about masking ! thank you for reading <3

[nancyheart11]

Unmasking a Warrior! (about 2 weeks into Dad Squad)

Abel raised his (much cleaner and sharper due to his new companions) Sword and sliced into another Bokoblin with a huff, where were all these monsters coming from? Though he had been  with these strange new men searching for their sons, a scarce fortnight Abel could admit that having such skilled companions was beginning to grow on him. 

Far to his left he heard the awful sound of the Fierce Deity’s huge blade rend another limb from a guardian with almost disgusting ease, considering how many were mowed down in seconds when . . . No time to think of the past while an arrow flew far to near Abel’s face for comfort. He turned to check on Rusl and was nearly blinded by the flash of light coming from the direction of the Fierce Deity. Abel felt his stomach swoop as he spared a glance in the direction of his friend(?) only to see a conspicuous lack of the 12 foot warrior. He had no time to check on the state of his companion since the monsters swelled around Rusl and him, forcing them on the defensive while they struggled to keep their heads in the tide of battle.

—-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Link gasped in pain as his knees hit the ground. Looking up he saw smears of color and far too bright sunlight assaulting his vision. He squeezed his eyes shut to block out the pain, as the ringing in his ears faded enough to make out the sounds of . . . monsters squealing?

Oh no, the last thing Link remembers is putting on the near burning mask as he was surrounded by turncoats, which he knew the deity would have no problem getting rid of. The fact that the sounds around him were clearly of monster origin was . . . off.

He tried to stand up and almost tasted dirt as the world spun and smeared in confusing colors around him, the pounding of his head suddenly demanding all of his attention.

He managed to squint at the slowly coming into to focus trees around him as his head quieted to a dull roar. Then a unusual looking lizalfoes crossed his blurry vision, with something wooden clutched in its talons. Squinting harder, he was able to make out bright red and blue on the wood in the monsters grasp. A jolt of panic ran through him at the realization for some reason. But the only piece of wood with markings that vivid he could recall was-

Sprite! His cry came out whisper quiet and raspy from how dry his throat was. When was the last time he'd had water? Didn’t matter right now any way, with the shot of adrenaline to his body, he remembered Putting on the mask, having it sear against his face, and a voice whispering that they would both be safe? That might have just been Link’s imagination since the Deity hadn’t been very emotive when he had interacted with them before.

Link staggered to his feet, using a nearby tree as leverage to keep from falling over once more, feeling weak from however long he had been hosting the Fierce Deity and shaking from the adrenaline that was helping him stay upright at all. 

He was in bad shape and he knew it. Only a small dagger on his person, that he would be lucky to keep hold of with how badly he was shaking, a headache ferocious as though a nail were being driven in with every labored and raspy breath, exhaustion clinging to every corner of his body, only being held back by worry for the smaller Link who he would have seen already if he had been saved.

Looking down showed a shorn branch that was about as tall as he was. He managed to grab it, and started moving after the lizalfoes as fast as he could, uncaring of how the thump of the branch was surely giving away his position.

Luckily for him, the lizalfoes was paying little attention to it's surroundings and went down with one good wack to the back of the head. (Link is going to idnire that he fell onto the monsters still very solid body from the hit) he managed to scramble away from the lizalfoes with the mask clutched to his body and hide in a bush before the monsters angry screeches sounded.

Link looked down on the clearly ancient Wooden mask, pristine looking as always and traced the marks that had begun to cling to Sprites face for short periods after taking it off near the end of the War (and how his heart burned for the child that was so used to fighting a War god could cling to his form at all)

The realization that he had no clue if the long term effects of wearing such an object hit Link and he grimaced. He pulled the knife out of his boot and brought it to his face. His eyes had bags under them that resembled bruises more than anything else, his cheeks which had been compared to apples more than once were now sunken in and drawn tight over prominent check bones. But all the clear signs of malnourishment and no sleep were overshadowed by seeing his hair.

It had gone from a brilliant golden sheen that looked like sunshine had graced his head, to the pale yellow of a wilting dandelion, that had made the mistake of growing in the shade, it's color and life both doomed to fade without intervention. Link was brought out of his musings when he heard a call.

"Fierce! We could really use your help on this one!"

It wasn't desperate, not yet. Link forced his arching and exhausted body up and limped way to the treeline, where he was able to see a fairly large group of monsters surrounding . . . Something. He squinted and was blessed with a brief clear view of the commotion. 2 hylians both fighting with blood soaked swords, sporting various injuries that would need attention soon the way the battle was going.

The sight of them sparked a flurry of fondness? In Links chest. He felt the need to help well up in him, but even he could admit that in his current state he would be more of a liability than an asset. He brought out the mask with trembling hands. This was the only useful weapon he had, but the consequences. . .

He spared a glance at the cursed thing and did a double take because the masks expression seemed to shifted slightly, with one perfectly sculpted brow millimeters higher than the other.

" I can't fight as I am, but I think putting you on might get me killed too." He whispered

The mask in his hands jumped in temperature before cooling rapidly. What was going on??

On the field the shorter man cried as he was stabbed in the thigh and without wasting another second in thought, the warm mask was slammed on his face.

_—--------------------------------

Abel cried out knowing that he might have just ensured Hyrule's total destruction. Just as Hylia had abandoned her people in their time of need, so too had the Fierce Deity left him and Rusl to die, desperately searching for their sons. Rusl crouched closer over head with his shield held to try and cover Abel, but he could tell from the tension in the others back that they both knew how unlikely survival was.

Then Abel was blinded momentarily by a bright Flash of light, by the time he managed to blink the spots away only the rapidly dissipating bodies of the monsters were left, and standing as though the hoard about to overwhelm the two mortals were merely an annoyance, was the Fierce Deity.

" Thanks for the save." was Rusl's mild reply to the sudden appearance of their missing Companion.

Abel felt the ground tilt, and only realized he had been scooped up like a child when his cheek touched soothing cool metal.

“Apologies. . . It appears I have miscalculated, I will be better prepared should my connection to this world be severed again.” Abel could barely feel confused before sweet unconsciousness took hold and he knew no more.

[iamthecomet]

AHHHHHH!!!!

COMET!!!!

I just woke up and saw your post!!! We need to hear all about the shirt! The interaction! The guitar pick! We need to see photos if you took any too!

You are so lucky!!!! I'm so glad that you had a good time and you got to go to TWO in a row! So fucking fabulous!!!!

Mine ritual is on Friday and I cannot wait!

This post and all of it's ridiculous extra exclamation points brought to you by the Gremlin.

GREMLIN. Photos/videos coming soon. I just put them all on my computer so I can actually look through them and pick out the good ones. But THE SHIRT. OK. Just for clarity, I'm referring to him as Sodo here, because this entire interaction was very much an interaction I had with The Man and not The Ghoul and I cannot bring myself to refer to him as Dewdrop in this particular scenario. But I'm not mentioning anything else related to unmasked Dew, except for that nickname that everyone else already knows. So, I've been joking around with my partner and a few other people for MONTHS about making a shirt that said "Sodo" on it because A) I adore him for many many reasons (not just Ghost). and B) what if he SAW IT!? What would he do!? So, like a week before my rituals I went to the craft store, found out that the stuff needed to make said shirt would be like...10 dollars, and said "fuck it." I was super nervous about it, convinced he was going to see it and think I was CREEPY or weird or some shit, but several people (including YOU) managed to convince me that it was going to be fine and he would not think that. And he might even appreciate it. So I made it, wore it to the ritual I had pit for. Ended up with the best barrier spot I could have asked for in that situation. Got my pick a few songs in--before he ever saw the shirt. He threw it at me but it fell short but I still got it! Immediately after the He Is solo, he turned toward us. I'd turned my phone light off because I didn't want to blind him, and my partner had angled his down for the same reason--which meant that it was pointing toward me. And I'm like reaching up to him, singing at him, and then he saw my shirt, fucking stopped short. Fucking lights were in my eyes so I could BARELY see him, but he dragged his finger over his chest to be like "your shirt!?!?" and pointed at me, and I mirrored that and nodded, and probably did something else with my hands, who knows. I don't remember, it's a blur. He nodded and gave me a thumbs up, so I threw him the heart hands and I blew him a kiss , and he blew one back. And then it was over and I just stared after him like "was that real?" It was the sweetest fucking thing and I just stood there in shock when it was over, as the guy next to me nudged me and grinned and gave me double thumbs up. I'm just like slack-jawed looking around like "did that ACTUALLY fucking happen?" Gremlin, I love that man so fucking much. His attention was laser focused on me from the second he saw it until he had to turn and leave to go play. And it just felt...genuine? like I had a sign language conversation with him and we were both genuinely happy about it. I'm getting fucking weepy thinking about it again. Like how am I allowed to love him more than I already did? HOW? There is no way for him to know how much those like 10 seconds meant to me. But I really hope that they meant something to him too, even if just for a moment. I feel so fucking privileged to be able to have this interaction, that the stars aligned so he actually saw the shirt. That he paused and made a point to acknowledge it, to appreciate it. To see me. It was really fucking special. TLDR: Dew/Sodo knows I love him. And that I exist. And I am a little unwell about it, and will never recover and I really don't want to.

Also, if anyone happens to have a clip of the end of He Is from the CT show where you can actually see this happen, I will love you for fucking EVER.

[momotonescreaming]

Your conversation about Nancy is part of why I can't really get into Ronance. I don't dislike it, and I think some of the art is cute but I just get get into it.

I don't see her and Robin really getting along. While I do think their interactions felt off in S4 I also don't think it was too off the mark either. Nancy would not get or be able to handle Robin when she's being her truest self. And I also don't really see our Robin being cool with dating someone who broke her best friends heart. Even if it wasn't intentional Steve is Robin's guy.

Anon!! Hello!!!

As is probably obvious from my answers in the other asks, and my discussions about Nancy - I also do not ship ronance. So definitely agree with you that they wouldn't get along. You're in safe hands here. No shame to people who do, they are both cute characters, but I just can't see it. There are some barriers there that I just can't get through.

If they did date, Robin would come home from work and would excitedly ramble to Nancy about something she talked about with Steve, about a really cool artsy movie she watched, about a customer that came in. And Nancy would sit there and after a little bit would glare at Robin silently, hoping she stops talking so Nancy can get back to the work she was doing before.

And Robin has admitted that she's bad at social queues, so she'd figure out that Nancy was annoyed but can't figure out why and what did she do? and Nancy isn't saying anything. And then Nancy would get annoyed that Robin isn't magically understanding her even though she hasn't said anything to Robin. And then resentment would grow and Robin would get really self conscious about unmasking, and rambling around her, and would close herself off.

And you're right, that's not even mentioning the Steve of it all. I've seen so many arguments about how talking about Steve is 'inserting a male into a wlw relationship' when that's not it at all. How is it wrong to consider your best friend's feelings? To care about another person?

Robin and Steve are platonic soulmates, bonded through torture, Steve is Robin's person. I definitely agree with you that Robin wouldn't like herself if she became the sort of person who heard all about the girl who broke her best friends heart, cheated on him, his first love, and then turned around and decided that dating her herself would be a good idea.

Plus we know Robin holds a grudge, she did about Steve when he ate bagels messily in class and had Tammy Thompson crush on him. She deserves to be a little hater. To hold a grudge on Nancy because she broke her best friends heart (and also Nancy didn't know who Robin was in that scene in Starcourt, even though they're in the same grade at school).

[lonniemachin]

lonnie for the character ask thing :)

always. always.

Sexuality Headcanon: i bounce back and forth between whether i think lonnie wouldn’t label his sexuality or whether the act of labeling his sexuality (+ gender for that matter) would be something that feels good for him, but i’d say what either describes it best or IS it is bi. im also fond of aromantic lonnie and both at the same time.

Gender Headcanon: transfem + genderfluid (i tend to use she/he interchangeably for her). and i read it into her narrative too. the way that she always felt a disconnect from her peers that tied into her apologizing to her parents that they weren’t able to bring up the “all-american boy” and the way that her parents emphasize that she’s different from other boys, how the anarky costume has a mask that reflects the faces of the people that look into it back outward + how i feel that through giving so much of her life to being anarky she’d get used to being this entity that’s referred to by terms other than just he and him and man and boy etc. until she unmasks and it defaults back. i think after a while there’d be a disconnect and it wouldn’t really hit until after red robin when she has to deal with just Being Lonnie (and Moneyspider) for longer than she’s ever had to after taking up her mission. and i think that gender fluidity of anarky, despite if she sticks with the identity or not, would be something she decides to embrace for herself as a person. i’ll stop there. but basically its real.

A ship I have with said character: i’ve already been over timlonnie on my tim post so i’ll make my stance clear right here, right now: i like stephlonnie but in my own “their characterizations align with how they were pre-flashpoint and rebirth never happened” way. i think the base concept of lonnie falling for steph is soooo cute and having it be her of all other gothamites would be very fitting. i think he and steph could also bond over quite a lot from the way they approach vigilantism to their complicated relationship with the bats and the joker paternity debacle vs. having the cluemaster as a chromosome donor.

A BROTP I have with said character: lonnie does not have many friends and that is a purposeful thing. i already mentioned tim on my tim post so instead of saying he + mia dearden, which is entirely made up in my own mind but nonetheless has me in a chokehold, i’ll say he and oliver queen, which is one of my favorite out of the… 3 big dynamics he has with other vigilantes. oliver is the one older person who, despite distrusting him at first, came to approach lonnie’s way of doing things with an open mind and actually teamed up with her twice. partnering with lonnie reminded ollie of the ideals he holds dear and of his younger self in a way that prompted good introspection. i think having someone like ollie around, who is an experienced leftist vigilante willing to see things her way while also providing a bit of natural guidance and even potentially a community would be good for lonnie… and i forever mourn the team-up comic that was proposed but never got made. hard traveling heroes 2 forever.

A NOTP I have with said character: ummmm. rebirth stephlonnie? born of horrid characterization. there are not many people he’s interacted with enough to ship him with. i guess i’ve seen people ship he and bruce in the far dark corners of earlier bat fandom which should go without saying but fucking sucks ❤️

A random headcanon: aside from her 12-year-old self’s job as a paperboy, she likes biking. being active in general too but she should probably slow down because there is no way 9+ hours of exercise a day is healthy

General Opinion over said character: my favorite comic book character and i can’t see that changing soon. lonnie means the absolute world to me and more. getting a little personal, i’ve met some of my best friends through liking and talking about anarky, and for that i’m forever thankful. digging into the history behind his creation and his use in the bat narrative revealed just how much passion was put into him as a character which makes him even better and more meaningful to me even if he went in a direction i wasn’t the biggest fan of. despite less than 100 appearances, she’s a complex character with some of my favorite comics under her belt and an unforgettable debut appearance. what she means when put up against bruce and the potential that held is something i never tire of discussing. i wish every single day that dc would stop marketing her as a batman villain. i think she should’ve been disabled and had what happened to her during Red Robin centered around her because i think it would’ve been an excellent way to both give her more prominence and develop her along more after such a period of being so isolated + putting her whole identity into her mission. i never get bored of reading through her comics over again, it makes me genuinely so happy to do so. machin nation forever and im serious.

[secretlyunmasking]

The day after the assessment

Today is my first day back home after a trip away for an autism assessment. Due to a room booking fiasco we couldn't complete the session, but it looks like I am very likely autistic, with the possibility that I also have ADHD. This is all complicated by childhood trauma from bullying.

I've been suspecting this for a while, so it's not a huge shock. But now it looks like being confirmed, I need to think about what to do next.

The strangest thing about the assessment was when I talked about masking. I've spent years struggling to pass as normal, and I'm not sure who the real me is. A lot of my masking is about suppressing the rage I feel at the world's frustrations. Is that the person that would be there without the masking? Or there is another person below that?

Talking about this felt a little like a seance. There was a long time when the bullying made me feel like one version of me had died at school. Talking about my deepest feelings was like channeling a long-lost version of myself.

In another session recently, someone asked if I enjoyed my hobbies and I don't think I do. I'm doing so much because I think I should. I tried to think of things I that make me genuinely happy and came up with one: dogs. Today, walking without listening to a podcast, I figured I could add a decent walk.

The idea of unmasking is complicated by the fact that I like masking in some contexts. Work involves formalised social interactions which I seem to be good at - although it does take a lot of energy. There are times in my life where I don't think I would have survived without pretending to be normal for work, as difficult and unpleasant and unnatural as that probably was. Post-pandemic hybrid working is making this more sustainable than it used to be and I'm not interested in being 'out' as a neurodiverse person at work.

There's a lot I need to think through about masking and I find it helpful to write my feelings on this (as E.M. Forster wrote, “How do I know what I think until I see what I say?”). Hence this secret little blog, unconnected to the rest of my online life, as best as I can manage.

But my first thing to do is to slow down a lot of things. Before having my assessment, I assumed the best thing to do in response to my difficulties was to 'try harder'. Without knowing why things were difficult, this never really worked. My approach to diet, hobbies, exercise and more is making me feel worse not better. Time to make some space for myself, so I can find out who I am.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

like hearing an autistic person talking abt realizing like "oh so friendships for some ppl don't involve always having to maintain a performance" and going damn right yeah and now "oh so friendships for some ppl involve their getting to expect that the other ppl will be interested in them and provide support" like huh go figure. more surprising like oh right i guess i always felt like interactions require maintaining a performance that can only go wrong (generally true; like there's no "well you're ruining things by keeping ppl from being the Real You so just Be Yourself" like a] masking isn't Real or done by Yourself or b] like if you unmask people like you now & ableism is over, b/c it was your fault for reacting to it in the first place) & thus also that i should be interested & provide support but not expect that in turn / the sense as well that you are/can only come up short and have things to make up for anyways while lucky whoever's even providing the time of day

then it's always an Exercise to go "oh right well beyond going [my god autistic character] the whole time, what Things re: winston billions was i still not quite seeing as as unusual / Not Good as they are. even for billions" like sure noticing he's holding on to the hopes of some kind of positive / actual relationship w/rian for like year 950 & this manifesting with the Determined Friendliness but zooming in like oh i guess that adamant amicability sure involves winston suppressing a negative reaction to negative treatment and yet still hoping for an improvement, which like, was always Possible but a) hinged on rian simply choosing to change how she regards/treats him (or someone intervening to change the situation) & b) apparently is not going to happen. thinking like yeah that's very Friendly of him. and knowing like man winston's sure still trying to keep this friendliness offer open for like two years. but also now more specifically going like Yeah and pretty fucked then that his baseline expectations don't include that Mutual Interest & Support (though someone being abusive is definitely interested just not in any good ways. and certainly not (actually) supportive)

[wolfgirlguts]

Can you tell us more about your girlfriend? I remember a while ago you said how there is one person who is a better future for you than consuming the world

How did you two meet for example? Do you have any fun stories to share too?

(Unless those are too personal, in which case bonus question: what do you think about keeping items/parts of your prey around after theyve been used up?)

Ah, that would be Aife. She's a beautiful doe, stark white fur and taller than me even if you don't count her antlers. How we met is a funny story, and one I've been meaning to write for a while. I'll get around to it one day. But I can give you the quick version.

See, I'd been smitten with her since before we ever met in person, but that's nothing special. I'd seen her on tv, on the covers of magazines, that kind of thing. She's a celebrity, globe-trotting socialite, way out of my league, you know. Not someone I'd expect to ever meet. But I'd just been hired on at this museum, working security. And she came to a party commemorating a new exhibit. And I was awestruck. Pictures don't compare to the real thing. She really is all she's made out to be and more.

I didn't talk to her at the party, of course. No, I didn't actually meet her until later that night.

She still teases me about it, but I swear I could've taken her. I just got so shocked when I managed to unmask her. I mean, how was I supposed to react? I thought I was wrestling with some random thief, but it was her. And she only needed me stunned for a second to turn the tables.

I think she was flirting with me, even then. She tied me up where I had a perfect view of her while she worked. I watched her deftly disable layer after layer of security like it was nothing. And the way she smiled when she had her prize at last filled me with a longing of my own. I fell in love right then and there.

Anyway, I lost my job after that. Museum couldn't have anyone thinking their state of the art security system was fallible, and with my record it was easy to point the finger at me, say I may have been some kind of inside man. I might've gotten back in my boss's good graces if I told him the thief's true identity, but even if he believed me, why would I want to work for someone willing to throw me under the bus like that? I didn't owe these people shit. And even if I thought I'd never see Aife again, even though our only meaningful interaction had been hostile. . . It still would've felt like a betrayal to give her up.

It was about a week later when she got in touch. Guess she figured we could trust each other after that. She told me she could use some muscle for her next job. And it all just kinda . . . went from there?

To answer your bonus question, oh yeah, I do that ALL the time. Clothes, bones, and various accessories. I've got 'em organized, too. It's a whole system! I don't keep something from everyone I eat, that would be WAY too much. But I do keep something from most of my actual dates, or friends who become food. Especially if I'm asked to. A lot of morsels go down easier if they know I'll hold onto something to remember them by.

[antis-hell]

Our experiences with narc crashes and how we deal with them

A idk post about narc crashes cus I felt like it also we're having a crash rn soooo first hand writing lol

If you want a quick rundown of what a narc crash is Google is good(?) I think, or there's a bunch of other posts by other narcs that'll explain it

We get narc crashes fairly infrequently. Luckily, it takes a lot to send us there, hpd crashes are a different story, but I'll talk about that at a different time. Normally, we can tell we're having a crash due to having prolonged feelings of anger and destructive behaviours resurfacing. This will be a lil list of things we experience in a crash and ways we help ourselves out of them

Obsessiveness over popularity

If we don't regulate ourselves, we typically end up cutting off all our friends that we perceive as a "threat." What our brain decides is a threat and isn't a threat is anyone's fucking guess but normally it's anyone more popular than us or better off than us either mentally or physically. Luckily we can regulate this fairly easily and some of our friends know about our crashes so we can shout to them or they can help us out untill it subsides.

Intestine insecurity

On the other side of what we talked about above, we also feel as if we are worthless and that everyone sees us as nothing. This is probably why we then lash out and try to make people look as bad as we see ourselves, tbh but I'm not too sure on the actual science

Egomania

Again, this probably ties into the others. idk for sure. This may also sound a bit contradictory, but we see ourselves as overly important, better than other people, but they just don't realise it yet. We think that we deserve everything, and honestly, unmasking during a narc crash just makes us really entitled;-;

A good way we pull ourselves out of a narc crashes if it's not going away on its own is to seek out people that are nice to us (yes this can be a double edged sword cus people being nice can make us perceive them as a "threat" but yeah.... we just hope the self-control is there). Interact with them in a way that either makes them happy (and thus, at least in our eyes at the time, them perceiving us as a good person) or, we seek out people in a way that gets them to compliment us or make us feel better about ourselves (normally we only do this with people who know about our npd due to it possibly hurting the other person).

Anyway, idk part ramble part info post? I'm a bit fucked up rn sooooo byeee

-anti💚🗡

[anadrenalineslut]

So, the archer is like the perfect song to describe the autistic experience of unmasking for the first time imo. And that's basically what I'm going to write about in this post so here we go.

The first verse starting off with challenging herself on her desires, because of the effect that media has on her, is such an autistic coded line to me personally. "Combat, I'm ready for combat, I say I don't want that but what if I do?" Just perfectly describes how difficult it can be as an undiagnosed autistic person to figure out what aspects of your personality are real and which parts are for show.

Pairing that with "cruelty wins in the movies, ive got a hundred thrown out speeches I almost said to you" is such a great line to further my autistic analysis of this song because like idk this is just autism to me. Or rather, this is what it feels like to learn that I'm autistic and revisit my entire memory bank with this knowledge trying to figure out what I actually desire out of life. The admission here that you take your cues from movies can also be seen as an autistic admission of masking through popular media.

I know for me, once I started dating my current partner, I really had to unlearn a lot of unrealistic expectations I developed through watching TV as a child. Now that I know I'm autistic, I can see how those movie ideals affected the way I interact and behave. I also think that the tension here between what she says and what her thoughts are reveal a disconnect of not knowing who you truly are because you've been masking for so long that your entire personality is just what appeals to the broadest group of strangers.

Then we get into the core fear running throughout the song, "who could ever leave me darling, but who could stay?" Is such a HEARTBREAKING lyric. Like there are so many ways you can talk about this lyric but if you're viewing it through an autistic lens, this lyric really gets to the heart of the brokenness that many undiagnosed autistic adults feel.

You've crafted such an artifical version of yourself that is appealing to people that they're initially attracted to you, but the cost of keeping that mask up gets unrealistic and once it starts to slip and you should people your "true" colors, you start losing them. They can't stay, once they see who you really are.

I've felt this way my entire life, like I'm just an awful self-centered human being who is unlovable and fakes things for attention, and my compulsive lying as a kid was proof of that instead of proof that I was trying so hard to present an acceptable mask without even knowing that's what I was doing.

Then we get the second verse, where she explains why she feels like nobody could stay with her and she points to her desire to "search for your dark side," even if she's alright being in the present moment with people. She can't help but feel like people who are "too" nice are hiding something from her, which can be seen as another autistic feeling because so many of us do this esp undiagnosed adults!!

We don't value people who don't seem to want anything from us because it feels "too good to be true," and then she says "I cut off my nose just to spite my face and hate my reflection for years and years." This is another thing that undiagnosed autistic people can do, there is high comorbidity between autism and EDs for example. Like, she is saying here that she's so unhappy with herself that she punishes herself with her ED and this makes her feel like a bad person who "deserves to be alone." I think that this is something a lot of autistic people can relate to, in particular.

Then we get "I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost" which is something my autism has actually done to me before. Like, I've gone to bed anxious and that anxiety just compounds in my sleep until I wake up and pace through my house until I calm down. I'm not saying she's doing it cause she's autistic, but I am saying that my autistic ass relates to this lyric in this particular way. Especially this idea of walking up feeling like the room is on fire with invisible smoke, and the way that she repeats "help me hold onto you," which is such an honest admission of needing help to see the truth.

Like, the anxiety here and the desire she feels to not let it ruin her relationship to the point where she is asking her partner "help me hold onto you," because she knows she can't do it on her own because her thoughts are too dark to let her see the reality of their situation at times like this.

And then we get the most autistic part of the song to me, the bridge where she basically repeats the sentiment "they see right through me, I see right through me, do you see right through me?" This to me is like the epitome of the masked autistic experience. This is how I felt my entire life, this is how I looked for a connection my entire life, wanting someone to see who I am but dreading it at the same time because you don't want to be rejected for things you can't change about yourself.

Oh and then the part about "all the kings men couldn't put me together again" is how it feels to realize that you've been using sex and male approval to soothe the fear that you have that you're unlovable and then pairing it with "all of my enemies started out friends" is such a raw admission of feeling like you're the problem all the time, because you've made all your friends hate you.

The archer just hits all the fears I had as an undiagnosed autistic person and it transports me back to a time where I still felt that way and I didn't know that I'm actually pretty fucking normal and not broken at all and that's why even though I adore the song, it hurts way too much to stream consistently for me.