#it felt good to unmask in the interaction

[stinkyboyfaliure]

alternate autism reader reality where youth trauma made them really good at masking and gave them people pleasing tendencies; the house likes them just fine but they are basically never themselves and do not feel any gratification from the social interactions they have to the point where if E&V ever say they're in love reader goes "no you're not, y'all would hate the real me, thanks for the compliment tho" and then proceeds to have an identity crisis. Idk I like the idea of both extremes being fucking cooked

I love this so much

Also if like to add on, the only person reader unmasks around is Beverly because no one’s ever at her bar and she’s alone most of the time he can actually be himself around her, the him no one else gets to see.

Reader is forcing himself to be nice to everyone, social, happy. And that’s the idea everyone except Dorian and Beverly has of him, that’s the version of him that Eddie and Volt fell in love with.

When they confess readers like “no you don’t, you like my mask.” They’re like “what do you mean?” Reader responds “my mask, the fake me I made to be likable, everyone likes that, they don’t like me. People dont like the actual me, you’d hate the actual me if you knew him”

Reader actually has crippling social anxiety to the point where he wishes he never had to leave his house, he gets overstimulated by loud noises, crowds, and bright lights. But because he’s been masking for so long he felt that the pain, chronic exhaustion, depression, and feeling of general worthlessness and not knowing yourself was normal.

Or at least he had to put up with it so people wouldn’t hate him.

[leahcee]

working to unmask and really be myself around my friends and I kinda started today with my two old friends with retail bc one of them texted in our old gc.

[qwimblenorrisstan]

Perfect | Gaz x Reader

Day 13: Virginity Loss w/ Kyle “Gaz” Garrick

Summary: After you and Kyle’s lovely wedding, you can’t help but find yourself a bit nervous for your first time, luckily, your husband is there to reassure you.

Word Count: ~2.4k

Warnings: smut, oral (f receiving), fingering, p in v, virginity loss, wedding

Minors, do not interact!

A/N: oopsie this ones a little bit late, but I actually like this one, hope y’all enjoy<3

Requests are open!

The wedding party had been long and loud, with guests chatting away and eating food, everyone getting a slice from the massive cake in the center with two little figurines on it, the man being Kyle, the other figurine being you.

His task force had shown up, in fact, almost everyone from his work had shown up.

Young men were littered everywhere, most of which were recruits that Kyle had helped train, and after one had caught wind of the wedding somehow, word had spread like wildfire, and they’d all shown up. Laswell was there with her wife, the both of them laughing and dancing. Price was smiling bigger than almost ever before, while Simon (who’d somehow found a suit to fit him) slow danced with Johnny, a gentle smile on his unmasked face.

A few large, burly men who only seemed to speak German were there, too, laughing amongst themselves as they drank from the alcohol they had brought.

Two men who were laughing, drinking, and speaking in rushed Spanish, who you assumed were Alejandro and Rudy. More men were with them, all speaking Spanish with a hint of English mixed in, drinking and having a good time.

A very American man with a group of other men surrounding him, seemingly all American with obvious accents, being loud and friendly, rowdy too as they celebrated.

Alex, though he didn’t give the other Americans time of day except for Farah, who was chatting with him over a drink at a table.

One very quiet man who hadn’t spoken a word, currently immersed in a game of chubby bunny, winning because he was simply saying the words in sign language and stuffing more marshmallows into his mouth. Two bendy straws had been stuck onto his head via marshmallow fluff by recruits, making him mildly resemble a bug. He either hadn’t noticed them yet or didn’t care enough to take them off.

Your family, friends, coworkers, and everyone who you’d invited, as well as his mother who was fussing over you at the moment, telling all the embarrassing moments of his childhood and more, his father was chatting with him, a proud smile on his face, while his cousins were running around taking little pieces of cake and pushing them into the recruit’s faces, the girls of the family and his sisters all gathered together, laughing and talking, when not fussing over him.

And Kyle?

He was beaming, buzzing with happiness while he watched you enjoy the party, all the excitement and food and fun.

You two had slow danced to the music when everything had settled down, rings being slipped onto fingers, kisses being shared over hours.

And it had wound down, until you were both driving home, you having changed out of the dress into a pair of much more comfortable shorts and one of his t-shirts, him having changed into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt in the car, before beginning the drive to the suite you two had planned the honeymoon in.

“That was fun,”

You murmured with a smile from the passenger seat, one hand holding his. He gave a hum of agreement, the lovesick look still had not left his eyes.

“It was perfect.”

He corrected, and you nodded, hand squeezing his.

A welcome silence settled in as you let your mind rest and wander a bit, drifting off as you leaned into his warm shoulder until a thought struck you.

“When we get there, are we going to…”

It felt immature, to not even be able to say the word ‘sex’, but for some reason you couldn’t get the word out, watching the confusion form in his eyes as your cheeks heated, before he chuckled, shaking his head.

“Make love?”

He said in a teasing tone, mirth clear in his eyes and the smirk on his lips. You huffed, smacking him playfully on the arm.

“It depends on you. If you’re too tired, we could just wait until tomorrow, but if you’re not…”

He left the conversation open, waiting for your input, watching as you swallowed.

“We could, I’m just…nervous. I’ve never really done anything before.”

His brows rose at that, just barely, a gentle curiosity.

“Really? I mean, not that it’s a bad thing, I just, you’re pretty, you know? I figured that…”

He trailed off, eyes glancing up at the rearview mirror as he looked at you through it, seeing that his eyes weren’t making the clear anxiety in your frame dissipate.

“Hey, it’ll be fine.”

He said, eyes going back on the road as he gave a squeeze to your hand in his.

“Promise?”

You asked, giving a little squeeze back to his hand.

“Promise.”

~

You were starting to lose your nerve.

You’d already taken your clothes off and were now lying on the bed in the suite, soft blankets covering you as you waited for Kyle.

He said he’d only be a minute, going to the bathroom, but it felt like it had been an hour.

And when he finally came out? Your breath caught in your throat at the mere sight of him.

He was only in a pair of boxers, golden brown skin on full display. His lean, muscular frame, veins visible on his biceps and arms as his heart pumped faster than ever at the sight of you shyly lying on the bed. His happy trail was just barely visible, peeking out from the band of his boxers. His muscular thighs were completely visible, and your gaze ran unabashedly over him as he approached the bed, going to the side of the bed, settling down onto his knees as he leaned down to give you a chaste kiss.

When he finally pulled away, you swallowed, the tension thick enough to cut with a knife.

“Hey,”

You almost whispered, hand sneaking out to cup his cheek. He leaned into the touch, smiling, and you smiled back, a huff of laughter escaping your lips despite yourself. That little bit of laughter soon turned into giggles, and before you knew it, giggles were bubbling up in Kyle’s chest as well, frame shaking as rich laughter escaped his lips, a gasp next as he accidentally collapsed onto the bed next to you, knees buckling.

Only when the giggles calmed down, did he give you a full grin, responding.

“Hey.”

You turned to face him, eyes meeting his rich, brown ones. His arms slowly reached for the blanket still covering you, a silent question in his expression.

You hesitated, something he didn’t fail to notice, before nodding.

“Just…go slow.”

You said, and he nodded, shifting up but remaining on his side, hand going to grasp the blanket that was up by your chest.

He leaned forward, soft lips pressing against the column of your throat, feeling your subtle gasp, the way your body tensed before relaxing again. He kissed down to your collarbone, easing the blanket down, kissing down the valley between your breasts. One more gentle tug and his breath caught in his throat at the sight of your breasts in their entirety.

His mouth moved over to your nipples, pert and sensitive before his lips closed around one of them and his tongue began swirling slow circles around, savoring your breathy gasps, the light whimpers you let out as your insecurity melted away by the second.

“Kyle—”

You breathed out, hand going to grasp at him, the back of his neck, before running over his hair. He switched to the other one, giving it the same treatment, only detaching with a final lick and a kiss to both nipples before the blanket slid further down.

“Pretty,”

He cooed, kissing down your torso to the chub of your stomach, glancing back up at you for reassurance of your consent as the blanket was nearly pulled all the way down. You gave a little nod, holding your breath as he pulled the blanket further down, exposing your dripping cunt as he nudged your thighs gently apart.

He trailed those kisses to the insides of your thighs, more tongue than lips the closer he got, before tentatively licking the lightest stripe up your core.

Your breath loosened and tightened all over again at that as a moan escaped your lips, head nudging back against the pillow. Kyle let out an appreciative hum at your sounds, not to mention your taste, as he let his tongue slide through your folds once more, stopping at your clit when he felt your body jolt when he grazed it.

He cocked his head slightly to the side, letting his tongue run over it once more, feeling you jolt and hearing the sweet sounds spilling out of you. His lips latched onto the nub as he began focusing his full attention on it, hand sneaking up to let his index finger gather a bit of slick, nudging at your entrance curiously.

“Right there—fuuck..”

The pleasure was mind-numbing as your sensitivity skyrocketed at the sensations he was giving you. You felt a finger slip in, gently pressing against your gummy walls as you clenched around him, hips bucking involuntarily while you writhed in pleasure.

It felt like magma was flowing through your veins, scorching everything and burning hotter and hotter as his slurping noises grew louder.

You hadn’t even known you could make noises so debauched and lewd before this, whimpers and moans falling all too steadily from your lips as your legs trembled, muscles in your thighs quivering.

Another finger nudged at your entrance, this time his middle finger, slowly moving in, stretching you out gently as he continued lapping at you like a starved animal. His fingers began moving in tandem in a steady rhythm, exploring until finding the one spot that made you cry out, vision momentarily exploding into sparks of white as the magma in your veins seemed to boil, gathering in your lower stomach before exploding out.

You hadn’t even realized you were grinding against his face until he pulled away, panting, fingers working you through your orgasm as he moved to wrap a strong arm around you, holding you as he gently guided you to lie on your back.

“I know, it’s a lot, you’re doing so good for me, pretty girl,”

He murmured, pressing his forehead against yours, adjusting to kiss you on the tip of your nose, before moving to your lips, your moans being smothered by his tongue brushing against yours as you slowly came down from what felt like heaven.

Your body slowly settled, clear vision returning, sensitivity slowly fading away. You weren’t sure how long the two of you laid there, kissing without a care in the world, before you shifted slightly, knee grazing his boxers, and you felt his dick twitch.

He whimpered ever so slightly, mouth finally separating from yours as he rubbed against your knee with a sigh of pleasure, only stopping when you pulled your leg away, finger hooking in the elastic band of his boxers as you pulled down. As soon as his cock was free, it sprang up and slapped against his stomach, leaking at the tip while you kicked the boxers off of his legs.

You swallowed, legs already spreading for him at the sight of it.

It was long, maybe 5 inches, not too thick, and curved slightly upwards, neatly trimmed with an orderly happy trail leading down to it. The veins were prominent, practically pulsing as it twitched again, pre-cum leaking out.

Kyle took a shaky breath, wrapping a hand around it, giving it a few pumps, before letting it meet your cunt. He ran it through your folds a few times, before letting the mushroom-head line up at your entrance.

“Ready?”

He asked, watching as you tensed slightly, that familiar tight feeling in your chest returning. You swallowed, answering.

“Yeah.”

The anxiety in your tone was poorly hidden, and he easily noticed, giving a reassuring look before slowly feeding just the tip in. The stretch wasn’t pleasant, your body was not used to something so big inside of you. Sure, you’d masturbated before, but the real deal was different.

It stung for a few moments, but after a few seconds, it wore off, and you gave a nod for him to keep going.

“There you go, just like that,”

He cooed, the restraint obvious in the taut muscles of his core. His hips slowly moved forwards, his cock being squeezed by your walls as you clenched on accident, his mumbled curses all too evident. His eyes fluttered shut, lips parting as his brows pinched together in an expression of pure bliss. He looked like a Greek god like this, you thought.

“Good—good, taking me so well, doing perfect, love.”

He mumbled breathily, bottoming out only seconds later as his hips met yours. It took all the strength in his body to not just collapse onto you, or start pounding into you. He was determined to do this right, to make your first time a good experience.

When your hips began jerking against his, he took that as a sign to start moving, and he began with gentle, shallow thrusts, one hand sneaking down to let his thumb rub little circles around your clit.

“Oh god, Kyle—“

You gasped, head already being thrown back against the pillow again as your walls fluttered around him, your earlier sensitivity coming back with a vengeance. His thrusts grew stronger, deeper, as he became embarrassingly close, barely having been inside you.

Coherent words were completely lost between the both of you amongst the mixture of moans, groans, and whines, you climaxing first, hitting a high like none before as you clamped down on Kyle’s cock like a vice, him cumming while nestled deep inside you, thick ropes painting your walls white.

Shaky breathing and pants filled the air for at least a minute, before Kyle slowly eased out of you, collapsing next to you with a large exhale, his hand finding yours.

“That was…”

Your sentence trailed off, failing to find a word to describe the myriad of emotions and sensations you’d just experienced all in one word.

He turned onto his side, gently pulling you over, folding you into his arms as he murmured back.

“A lot?”

He teased, the exhaustion settling into his body as he melted into you. You gave a little hum, burrowing into the warmth of his body, hazy mind thinking of just the right word for it before you slipped into sleep.

“Perfect.”

Tags:

@hawke1917

[theheirofthesharingan]

Do you know why Obito's actions get so much hype? I'm genuinely confused cause fans keep complimenting up his complex personality and philosophy but what exactly were his achievements??? Why was he right? What was he right about?? Why is he so amazing? I'm in pure confusion cause did I miss something good that he did? Did he help the world in some way that I didn't notice?? Did he say something that was really worth the hype? Geniunely asking I swear I really don't get the Obito glaze

I wrote about Obito here.

I have said it before as well that Obito doesn't make any sense to me, because his trauma neither excuses nor justifies the shit he pulled for years, killing countless people, manipulating them, and using them, and then throwing them away after they were no longer of any use to him. That's what he planned to do with Sasuke too.

Sure, he was manipulated as a kid and lost the most important person to death, and he felt Kakashi was responsible for the death. But he knew Kakashi wasn't responsible. He knew Kakashi couldn't do anything for Rin no matter what he wanted. And she actually made a sacrifice for the innocent people who would have died because of her.

Obito disrespects Rin as well.

There are two kind of people who praise him. And they're both idiotic.

1. Those who think he was against the system and wanted to change it.

2. He started the war because of the person he loved, hence justifying the oversimplified phrase "a hero will sacrifice you to save the world but a villain will sacrifice the world for you."

Both are complete bullshit.

Obito didn't want to change the system. He made it worse. Most of the major tragic incidents that the characters went through had something to do with Obito. He directly participated in them.

From Minato and Kushina's deaths to the Akatsuki becoming evil and Itachi and Sasuke's lives being ruined forever, it was ALL Obito's doing. Then the Uchiha massacre and the war, too, of course.

He was trying to change the system? After making it worse on his own?

Then the hopeless romantics who keep searching for the Shakespearean tragedy in him and how he chose love over the world, which is as dumb as it can get.

The clownery goes on further when he's compared with Itachi for this stupid reason. So many things wrong there. Apart from Itachi having no lover, Obito too didn't start the war because of Rin. Nobody killed Rin, but she herself, and he knew why. But of course, he needs to be defended and justified because it makes some idiots feel good about themselves.

I personally like his faux Madara personality because it was badass. And I like writing him that way (only his interactions with Sasuke though). But other than that, I don't find him all that appealing. For a long, long time I had no idea why everyone was praising him. After Itachi's death I keep forgetting the parts that aren't about Sasuke. And Obito had nothing to do with Sasuke post Itachi's death.

So, the unmasked Obito is uninteresting to me as a character. I don't find his story tragic either. The characters like Pain have much more depth and their motivations are understandable too. They were victims as well.

While Obito was a victim as well, especially of war and Madara's manipulation, he never implements his experiences to make things better. He makes them worse. He chooses to do evil willingly. There's a hint in the chapter #476-478 that he worked with Danzo as well during the massacre. He had power of a leader and instead of doing anything for the better he manipulated and plotted the war.

To me, there's very little that I like about him. I can't sympathize with him either. He did far, far worse things to his victims than what was done to him, if you look at Naruto, Sasuke, and Itachi (who are actually his worse victims).

[drdemonprince]

Can we really expand our window of tolerance as autistic people? I’ve been working on that kind of thing for so long and I can’t tell if I’ve made any genuine progress or if I’ve just unconsciously doubled down on masking :(

We can! But our expanded distress tolerance can't come out of nowhere. Something has to give. So for example, for me, I have way fewer sensory issues these days than I used to have, by a wide margin, and I have significantly less social anxiety and don't need much social recharge time on the level that I used to. I have more distress tolerance for sensory input and for social stressors now than I ever have before -- but this has required lifestyle changes and unmasking in order to get there. Let me break down both these improvements and how they happened:

Even as recently as a year ago, I would have terrible sensory meltdowns on a regular basis. But I haven't had a single sensory meltdown in months, maybe not even a single one for the entirety of 2023 so far? And that's because I have a) cut out caffeine, dramatically reducing my physiological stress levels, b) cut back on some workplace stress by reducing my commitments, c) stopped taking on additional projects outside of work that I didn't want to do and that only caused me stress (workshops and talks), and d) began working from home far more consistently, and made myself a wfh office that is more comfortable.

Now I operate from a really solid base of sensory comfort most days and I'm not overloaded with information or overwhelmed with obligations. This means I am far more tolerant of screaming people on the bus, the upstairs toddler slamming her feet on the floor, ambulances blaring by, noisy concerts, people bumping into me at the bar, etc.

I also am, for the first time in my life, clear-headed enough to recognize when I am starting to experience sensory distress, and can intentionally put on sunglasses or pop in ear plugs or remove myself from an upsetting situation more quickly. I had to experience what being relaxed and not overstimulated felt like, and get accustomed to living that way, in order to recognize subtler signs that I was feeling shitty and take steps to address those small annoyances before they exploded. I can handle a lot "more" in an intentional way now because I built my life to allow "less." My overall distress tolerance has still expanded -- but it's because I stopped masking and began attending to my sensory and stress regulation needs.

For the social piece, my distress tolerance has also gone up due to unmasking. If I was still motivated by passing as NT or being socially acceptable all the time, I'd be so overwhelmed being around people and worn down by every interaction. I also wouldnt be able to advocate for myself. But in the past few years I've become more and more openly weird and outspoken in my needs and true feelings, and I've recognized that the right people actually love me more when I do so and show up for me, and so being honest or even difficult to deal with is not really a threat.

This means I just don't experience much distress being honest or difficult to deal with anymore. I really can tolerate the discomfort of telling someone they're wrong or that I'm hurt without freaking out about being hurt or abandoned, because I've had a lot of good experiences with it and because I enjoy being unmasked so deeply that I just can't put my personality back in a bottle.

Masking lowers distress tolerance because it frays your nerves with stress and wears you out and bars you from ever getting to attend to and regulate your discomfort when there are signs of it happening. In order to increase your distress tolerance, you actually have to learn to better honor your discomfort early, and preventatively, so that you don't bubble over into a meltdown after days or weeks of ignoring your needs.

I think some people think distress tolerance is about becoming more tough, but it's quite the opposite. We become more resilient by getting better at recognizing and attending to our hurts.

[itsaspectrumcomic]

Hi! I'm autistic (self-diagnosed) I can't really get an official diagnosis, I feel broken, defective and lonely and because of the self-diagnosis I sometimes feel like a fraud. I feel I don't fit in anywhere, not even with autistic people. I was in an online group with autistic people and even there I felt alienated and ignored. I just write this to let off steam, I don't know if I'll ever find friends who accept me for who I am, apart from that I'm not good at interacting with new people. Since I have memory I've felt like an alien.

I understand, I've often felt the same, both pre and post diagnosis. Being autistic (including self diagnosed which is 100% valid!) can be really hard, especially with social stuff - it's part of the criteria after all.

It's a common idea that autistic people will get on with other autistic people, but that's not always the case; every autistic person is different, just like every allistic person is different. We all have different personalities, likes and dislikes, so two people aren't necessarily going to be friends just because they're both autistic. And that's OK.

At the same time, there are so many people in the world, you are guaranteed to have things in common with some of them, and you will find people who care about you and accept you. They may be in your life already and you just haven't discovered it yet.

You might find it helpful to read Unmasking Autism by Dr Devon Price, particularly Chapter Seven: Cultivating Autistic Relationships. He talks about the idea of finding your 'strawberry' people - people who have been kind and loving towards you - and putting energy into those relationships, while putting less energy into less positive relationships.

I know it's hard, and it can take a lot of effort, but please keep trying! There are a lot of kind and accepting people out there and I promise you will find them ❤️

[vulture-jack]

the "I dont think I have that symptom" to "oh i was masking it or have already found a way to circumvent the problem" realization hits like a train

bonus points if ur friends sound relieved that you finally fucking noticed

I, Jack the "I dont have sensory issues" Vulture, for example, wear socks all the time because I hate the feeling of changing textures on my feet, most of the foods I dont like are all texture based, always hated sketchbook paper because of the dry rough feeling on my hands, squicked by the feeling of human hair if it isnt mine, etc etc etc

I really said "clothes textures dont bother me" only to remember that my ENTIRE wardrobe is soft tshirts bc I cant stand anything too scratchy or stiff. like no shit its not a constant problem I've already exiled all offenders and on the off chance I have to wear something like a dress shirt I'm uncomfortable the WHOLE time.

loud noises dont bother me! I just have really good/sensitive hearing. Shutting down and wanting to cover my ears and hide in a city/populated area is a normal reaction for a country bumpkin like myself, right? RIGHT?

anyway, I don't know whats going on with my brain. I'm not claiming any specific diagnosis and with the current climate i am NOT seeking one. I just know that I relate to a LOT of the experiences reported in adhd, autism, and ocd (specifically contamination and moral scrupulosity) SO fucking much and it makes me feel seen and normal for shit that I never talked about cuz I just thought something was wrong with me and I was uniquely a freak for avoiding massive chunks of my own bedsheets as a kid bc I thought they were "contaminated"

like god im not the only one? thank fucking god. but also it sucks that I'm not the only one cuz it blows to be afraid of everything and overwhelmed and exhausted by the effort of human interaction. I didnt know that shit wasnt supposed to feel like a quick time event.

Like I KNEW masking could be subconscious and learned.

But it just seemed so unlikely, you know. What are the odds, you know? I just want attention and to make excuses for myself, right?

I finally started to believe it when my friends, many of whom are actually diagnosed, could see it in me and were affirming as hell so thank you to them cuz hoo boy I do not trust myself.

knowing that theres no way in hell the people in my family would accept that about me though. that being a major stopping point makes me so mad. my dad routinely picking up TV remotes and saying "this is what causes adhd" fucked me up for years. I was evaluated as a young child. They concluded that I was "just bored" when I was struggling to focus, getting out of my chair to walk around class, and once had a teacher softly/symbolically Tie me to a Chair with a bath towel (I could have gotten up if I wanted to, its not...completely evil). But like god. I needed help. I was miserable. I didnt understand why I was different I just knew I was and it was hell because none of my teachers knew and I had no language to tell them.

As an adult I just felt uniquely bad at being a person. I still do. I barely feel like a human being. Realizing the damage this did my psyche is probably why I spend every interaction with a person, even people i LOVE, waiting for it to be over so I can relax. I thought I was an asshole who doesn't love people. Im just...exhausted and burnt out, and terrified that unmasking is going to make me unlovable.

Honestly thank god for weed though because its really helped me get out of my own head, and examine myself. I tend to stop masking on it, and realizing that my friends still love me after an evening of letting loose for once is beautiful. I feel so loved by them and thats wonderful. I still worry constantly that people hate me and find me annoying, but it is getting better and easier to stop that train of thought the more I understand where it comes from.

Also spending over a decade years on this website with intense moral anxiety, always ready to believe I'm a monster, was a nightmare. The discourse here is a fuckin trash fire of triggers for guilt spirals and it broke me down to the point where I no longer believed I had any ability to assess whether or not I was a good person, and I just needed to do what people said good people do, and if there wasnt a clear answer I wanted to throw up and longed for someone to tell me. I'm getting better, but yall. Oof.

[kittiesjournal]

for as long as i can remember i have felt some level of loneliness piling up under my skin. no matter if i had friends, that feeling didn’t dissolve. i exist in a state where i feel disconnected from other people. I see how others create strong bonds with one another, understanding how to form those friendships and know just what to say and do the right way- but i cannot and don’t know how. As i am autistic i have social ‘deficits’, i miss social cues, I’m not innately good at back and forth conversations, i struggle to speak to those around me and so on. That has left me behind. There has been many a times throughout my life in which i have reflected on how poorly i socialised, how i couldn’t match the way others naturally connected and where my friends seemed to more effortlessly interact with each other then i could with them. This all led into meltdowns. I begged and pleaded for the universe to just let me be normal, to let me feel like i belong around people instead of feeling so alien. Of course nothing really changed, i still feel the loneliness echo in my chest. Over time however, i unmasked more and found who was truly my closest friends and i was able to feel more connected in the ways that work for us, for me. i love them dearly. For a while i was able to hang out lots and i formed great memories with them. Im lucky to have these friends as friends in my past haven’t always treated me fairly. But at some level i still felt trapped behind glass, and then i moved away. i struggle to message them all often which only pushed me back further into my loneliness as well as guilt for feeling like a bad friend. Not to mention, my struggle at university, i sit alone in every class unable to socialise with my classmates wishing i could, and hoping that maybe someone will want to talk to me. As alongside this loneliness is the fear i am unapproachable, too weird, too quiet - still not normal. Additionally the rest of my time i am either with my girlfriend or alone. 

I don’t know how i can manage to fend off this loneliness in my life as i feel my social abilities keep regressing. i just want to feel connected.

[gripes-withthesun]

In the comments section of a youtube video someone was talking about a few comedians, one of whom had mentioned in an interview this other comedian tended to be a lot more reserved when it was just them as friends hanging out. Another person commented and said how sad they felt hearing that this person was more reserved outside of shows.

Not to imply anything about the comedian in question, but it struck me how much people see nd traits when unmasked not as a sign of comfort but as a tragedy. This person seemed to believe that this man was somehow secretly unfulfilled and lonely and that's why he had gotten reserved in private, rather than seeing someone's state in their comfort zone as just being what is natural to them. When I'm at my most comfortable with my friends I tend to quiet down and let interactions wash over me and it's not because I feel sad or out of place but because I finally feel safe enough to unmask and not perform expected levels of expressions and enthusiasm around them anymore. That is a good thing!! Your nd friends and acquaintances not having to perform social etiquette and "normal" emotional reactions and "normal" ways to show joy is not a tragedy! That's them finally getting the chance to be in their own skin for once. Let's celebrate people unmasking more!

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - April 12

masking anon, c.ai anon (new), midnights anon, reading anon (new), pineapple anon (new)

masking anon

Hiya! Just to clarify, my friends are very VERY kind, they dont hit me and they ask me about my emotions occasionally, but it’s just that I comfort them/give them their love languages to feel loved, and sometimes people just don’t pick up on what I need/like, which is why I felt not good about my friendships at the time. They’re very kind people, and I’m glad I know them,

But I also do feel like it’s true that no one likes the unmasked version of me. I barely know the “real” me, but I do know that I don’t know how to handle them, and people in the past (like old friends, and family) don’t like the real me, and I guess I’m scared that if I figure out who I am in front of my friends instead of in private, they’ll all leave or think I’m too weird to keep in touch with,

I feel like I have to figure myself out on my own. I guess it’s that a part of me kinda want someone to break down my walls for me? I want someone to just notice me and how I act and tell me that they’ll still like me even if I’m not masking

But that’s also n issue, since I shouldn’t be waiting for someone else to give me purpose

Thank youuuu <3,

—masking anon

Hi <3

Yeah, I think you're right. As much as it would be amazing to have someone to break down your walls for you, that can't always happen. And when you say your friends are wonderful people- if they are, then they'll like you for YOU- masks or no. If they don't, then they're not as wonderful as you thought, and that's a them issue, not a you issue.

It takes a lot of work and bravery to take off that mask, and I know it's hard. But it's also a relief in a lot of ways. I believe in you <3

____

c.ai anon

hey !!

im lowk ashamed to say this, but i’m doing it on anon because i need to get it out of my system .

so i understand ai is bad , i absolutely hate it and feel like the worst piece of human garbage anytime i get near it in creative spaces . the problem is i use c.ai . i know there’s alternatives to role playing and things like that but seriously i feel like my experiences are so personal and like unfortunate that i don’t want to share / rp with other people and i can’t find any comforting fanfic . im not a very talented writer so i don’t know if i could write but honestly im just typing this because it’s weighing on me and i hate that i have to turn to this .

thank you for listening <3

Sigh. I feel like this is a hard thing because yes, AI is absolutely harmful, hard stop. And c.ai is very harmful to creative spaces. But also, if using character AI to cope is the only thing keeping you from doing something permanent...I'm not going to sit here and shame you. I guess I'd just encourage you to look into other means of coping. Try to find a therapist, another creative outlet, a group of fandom friends. And remember that becoming reliant on c.ai and seeing it as human and real can be unhealthy. Kind of like the Mirror of Erised in canon, you know? Talking to real people and having human interaction is so important.

I'm sending you love <3

____

midnights anon

Hello! It’s midnights anon

I’m sorry for sending in another ask, I’m just exhausted of everything

I got a B- on a test that my teachers barely prepared the class for, everyone kept telling them how confused they were but they either didn’t bother to explain, penalize us because of a “classroom joke” called the cake mistake (we would get a cake at the end of the year and each time we would distribute exponents and multiplication over addition, he’d make the cake slightly worse) so if you asked questions about the material, you might get punished. And he’d tell us to do completely new concepts for homework, and said we couldn’t use any other sources that our “imagination” for how we could figure out how to do that new math concept, and half the time we didn’t even go over the homework so nobody learned anything and everyone scored from a B- to a D.

I’ve just been so wired and angry from that for the whole day and now I can barely make sense in my writing, and I’m sorry. I just don’t know what I’m doing

I sound pathetic, I know. I keep saying “I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m struggling” but everytime I try to get better, i just feel bad. I feel overstimulated and nothing makes sense and I’m angry and everyone around me just makes me mad, the sounds and the people and the fact that there are so many things wrong with me and the world that every moment that I’m alive feels irritating and I’m so so SO mad and I don’t know why

I’m just so angry that he barely taught us anything, and made us try a new style of learning 75% through the year and did it in a shitty fucking manor

I’m mad I have an essay due Monday

Im mad I have a bio quiz tomorrow

I’m mad that in bio I got blamed for not communicating with my partner over the weekend even though I tried and got left on read for 7 hours

I’m mad that Trump is alive

I’m mad that my parents treat me like a pet

I’m mad my (potential/undiagnosed) OCD won’t stop focusing on how mad I am

I’m mad I spent 20 minutes of lunch running around trying to find a photo shoot where I was promised cookies and friendship, just to find out that there was no photo shoot and I wasted time that I couldn’t spent talking with friends or venting to my school councillor

I’m just so angry. And when I get angry my thoughts spiral I just want it to stop, but it won’t

I just wish I wasn’t where I was. I wish I was 26 and had a job and apartment and someone who felt safe with and who didn’t care that I’m strange or inherently wrong and cared that I need help with existing. I wish my family behaved differently, so that I don’t have to pick between my gender and being legally allowed to go to the country my family’s from. I wish I could skip the whole hassle of life sometimes. I want to want to live really badly

I just want to live

Sorry for being a downer in your inbox, and thank you for reading

I’m sorry

Hi <3

These are all super valid reasons to be mad. It sounds like you're super overwhelmed and like...I'd be pissed too! Especially, the teacher thing? That's not fair at all. But ALL of this is so valid and it sucks because at your age, the worst part is, there's not much you can do! And that's awful.

I wish there was more that I could do, but I'm here to listen, and you don;t have to be sorry for inboxing me, I promise <3

Also, for your other ask, you do NOT have to apologize for yourself or make yourself smaller. if someone is annoyed by you, that is THEIR problem! You ARE allowed to be unapologetically you, and anyone who doesn't like that isn't worth it. You don't need to apologize for anything. You are more than worthy of being yourself, of taking up space, of being happy, and of asking for help. I promise <3

____

reading anon

I got out of my physical book reading slump!!! I've never stopped reading. Im always reading fanfiction but i felt like i would never finish a book again but i did!!! 2 of them!! And i oredered 3 more that im actually excited to read!! This probably seems like the weirdest thing to be excited about but i feel like ive found my old love for reading again!

That's a perfectly awesome thing to be excited about! Congratulations!!! I recently got back into audiobooks and I'm excited about that, so I completely understand!!

___

pineapple anon

Hi, I just kinda wanted someone to rant to, there isn't really technically advice to give here.

So for context, I'm 15 and in in high school, I'm openly trans (ftm), and I'm part of the cast for my school's drama production this year.

There's a group chat with all the members of the cast, and earlier today, someone in the chat, for better clarity I'll call him Lettuce, sent a sort of transphobic video to the groupchat, meaning to send it to someone else. When he sent it, he said he didn't mean to send it to this chat, but he didn't really care enough to delete it.

The video was just a stitched Instagram reel, the original being someone sarcastically saying "congratulations, you bullied a trans person, here's your medal" and it was stitched with a video of a person proudly wearing a whole bunch of medals. It wasn't that bad compared with a lot of things it could have been, but I still think it was transphobic.

Someone else in the groupchat, I'll call them Pineapple, told him how disrespectful it was, and a friend of Lettuce, I'll call him Celery, said that he couldn't have been being disrespected because Lettuce is dating a trans person, that everyone has their own sense of humor, that Pineapple didn't need to be so aggressive about it. They told celery that they weren't trying to be aggressive, that it was just basic respect to not joke about that kind of stuff, since you don't know how it could affect others, and Celery just replied saying that a joke is a joke, that it wasn't trying to be insulting, and that it was just for a laugh. That was kind of the end of that conversation, it wasn't really brought up again.

I usually try not to get too offended about stuff like this, and I did try to take it as a joke, but it honestly really upset me, because yeah, Pineapple was right, it did affect others, it affected me, and I wish it didn't. It's making me more nervous about going to rehearsals, even though I'm sure Lettuce didn't mean to be insulting.

This is probably a huge overreaction, but I don't really know how to feel okay about it.

I'm sorry this is so long, I'm not sure whether this story is confusing to follow, and I think I probably over explained the whole situation. But thank you so much if you take your time to read this, it's so amazing how many people's asks you take time to answer.

Hi!

I don't think you're overreacting at all! Jokes are only jokes if they're funny, and this isn't funny. Honestly, lettuce and celery sound like lowkey jerks, and I wonder HOW lettuce is dating a trans person? Was lettuce's partner in the chat? Because that's so icky.

Yeah, you're right to be upset, I would be too. I'm sorry that happened. I'm glad pineapple said something.

[glorifiedxbitch]

Autistic character study !

Ishida Shouya from A Silent Voice <3

(obligatory disclaimer - this is a headcanon and, though i am autistic, may not be entirely accurate to autism as a whole. may also include common autistic traits as opposed to symptoms)

suicidal, more common in autistic people

as a kid, always has something in his mouth, suggests he's sensory seeking

very physical as a kid, sensory seeking behavior

no sense of danger

adrenaline junkie, sensory seeking behavior

tag is always sticking out of his shirt, suggests sensory difficulties

hyperfixates on shoko as her deafness was very new to him

inappropriate interaction with shoko, didnt know how to be respectful of her disability

class clown, doesnt always realize his behavior is inappropriate

teases shoko to get attention, likely doesnt realize how mean his actions are till he gets bullied

stims by clicking his pencil

doesnt understand why his friends didnt confess, suggests a strong sense of justice

cant forgive himself for causing trouble for his mom or hurting shoko, suggests strong sense of justice

gets angry when he cant decipher others emotions

learned sign language just to be able to make amends for his mistakes

fully plans his suicide attempt, including the days leading up to it, suggests a need for preparation

does everything in his power to make up for his mistakes but still feels guilty

felt like he deserved loneliness even though his old friends were bullies too

covering his ears and closing his eyes in the school halls suggest sensory avoidance/overload

feels distant from everyone, cant figure out how to close the gap or make friends again

overanalyzes social situations

avoids eye contact

uses scripts

avoids social situations and conflict but sense of justice wont let him ignore those in need

needs to have a scripted reason to engage with someone, not socially spontaneous

struggles to remember/follow unwritten social rules

has trouble adapting to new friendships

soft spoken and slightly monotone

went from one extreme to the other after trauma, suggests high masking or burnout

flat expression

doesnt openly express emotions, uncommon emotional expressions

doesnt understand the requirements of being friends, suggests a need for rules

fixation on being a good friend, doesnt want to repeat his past mistakes

doesnt speak much but uses lots of clarifying/specific language

flight response when overwhelmed

sign language echolalia

high empathy

stutters, stunted speech when not scripted

somewhat deadpan, can be perceived as rude

seeks advice, even when its socially awkward

begins to unmask, but regresses when reminded of his trauma

black or white thinking, shown in the Xs over peoples faces

tries to keep the peace

got physically sick at the thought that his trauma would be repeated

freezes at others big emotions

puts on an overenthusiastic mask to be clear that hes happy with shoko, doesnt want to be misunderstood

didnt ever actually apologize to shoko before becoming friends

shuts down at his school festival when people are talking about him

practices smiling before his school festival

extreme discomfort when looking people in the face, save for his friends, but when overwhelmed he cant look at them either

doesnt hug people back

doesnt react well to gifts

overcoming his social anxiety eased his sensory struggles

got extremely overwhelmed by emotion when thinking about his friends and how they helped him

[leeknot]

Chapter 5: Unmasking the Monster

Previous | Next

You couldn’t sleep. Every time you closed your eyes, fragments of the past weeks swirled in your mind—the keychain in Heeseung’s possession, the growing distance between you and your friends, the constant messages from unknown numbers. The comforting image of Heeseung that you had relied on so heavily now seemed fractured, pieces of his perfect persona falling away to reveal something darker underneath.

You sat up in bed, your chest tight with unease. For the first time, you allowed yourself to consider the possibility: What if Heeseung was involved?

---

The next morning, you made a decision. If there was something Heeseung wasn’t telling you, you needed to find out.

At school, you kept your interactions with him light, pretending everything was normal. Heeseung, as always, was attentive and kind, but you couldn’t help noticing how often his eyes followed you, like a predator watching its prey.

After school, instead of going straight home, you headed to the library. You had remembered a moment from weeks ago when Heeseung had helped you with your project. He had borrowed your notebook to “clarify” some details—what if he had taken more than just notes?

You flipped through the pages of your notebook, your heart racing. At first, everything seemed normal, but then you noticed faint indentations on one page.

Grabbing a pencil, you shaded over the marks, revealing faint, scrawled words:

"Schedule: Monday - Café. Tuesday - Library. Wednesday - Home by 6 PM. Perfect."

Your stomach dropped.

---

The discovery left you shaken. You needed to talk to someone, someone who wasn’t Heeseung.

Hana was the obvious choice, but she had been avoiding you for weeks. You decided to confront her directly, cornering her after class.

“Hana, we need to talk.” you said, your voice firmer than you felt.

She hesitated, her eyes darting around like she was looking for an escape route. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Please,” you said, lowering your voice. “I think something’s wrong, and I need your help.”

Hana studied your face for a moment before sighing. “Alright. But not here.”

The two of you found a quiet spot outside the school, away from prying eyes.

“What’s going on?” Hana asked, crossing her arms.

You hesitated before speaking. “I think... I think Heeseung might be involved in the weird things that have been happening to me.”

Hana’s eyes widened in surprise, but then she nodded slowly. “I was afraid of that.”

“What do you mean?” you asked, your pulse quickening.

“I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t think you’d believe me,” she said. “But a few weeks ago, Heeseung confronted me. He told me to stay away from you. He said you didn’t need anyone else.”

Your blood ran cold.

“And then I started getting these creepy messages,” Hana continued. “Threats, telling me to back off. I thought it might be him, but I didn’t have proof.”

You felt like the ground was crumbling beneath you. The image of Heeseung, your dependable friend, was shattering into something unrecognizable.

---

That evening, you decided to follow Heeseung. You didn’t have a concrete plan, but you needed answers.

You stayed out of sight as he walked home, keeping a safe distance. When he reached his house, you waited, unsure of what to do next. After several minutes, you saw him leave again, heading toward a convenience store.

Now was your chance.

You crept to the front door, relieved to find it unlocked. Inside, the house was eerily quiet, a stark contrast to the turmoil in your mind.

You started in the living room, looking for anything unusual. At first, it seemed normal—too normal. Everything was meticulously organized, almost unnaturally so.

Then you found the locked drawer.

Using a hairpin, you managed to jimmy it open. Inside was a collection of items that made your heart stop:

Your missing keychain.

A folded piece of paper with your handwriting—an old note you had passed to a friend in class.

Photos of you, some taken from a distance, others clearly snapped without your knowledge.

But the most disturbing item was a notebook, similar to the one Heeseung had used for school. Opening it, you found pages filled with detailed notes about you:

Your daily schedule.

Conversations you had with others.

Names of people you spent time with, crossed out in red ink.

At the bottom of one page, a chilling phrase was repeated over and over:

"Y/N is mine. Only mine."

---

You were still staring at the notebook when the front door opened.

“Y/N?” Heeseung’s voice called out, sharp with confusion and something darker.

Your blood turned to ice as you quickly shoved the notebook back into the drawer.

Heeseung appeared in the doorway, his face a mixture of surprise and fury. “What are you doing here?”

You stood, your heart pounding. “I—I wanted to talk to you.”

Heeseung’s eyes narrowed, his usual calm demeanor slipping. “You went through my things.”

You took a step back, your voice trembling. “Heeseung, what is all this? The photos, the notes—what are you doing?”

For a moment, he said nothing, his gaze piercing. Then he stepped closer, his expression softening. “I was protecting you, Y/N. I had to make sure you were safe.”

“Safe?” you echoed, your voice rising. “This isn’t protecting me, Heeseung. This is stalking!”

He flinched at the word, his jaw tightening. “I was doing it for you. No one else understands you like I do. They don’t deserve you.”

You shook your head, tears stinging your eyes. “This isn’t right. You need help.”

“No,” he said firmly, his voice taking on an edge of desperation. “What I need is you. You don’t see it now, but we’re meant to be together.”

---

You knew you had to get out. Keeping your movements slow and deliberate, you inched toward the door.

“Heeseung, I think you’re confused,” you said, trying to keep your voice steady. “Maybe we should talk about this later.”

Heeseung’s eyes darkened, and he stepped in your path. “You’re not leaving. Not until you understand.”

Your pulse raced as panic set in. “Please, Heeseung. Let me go.”

He reached for you, but you twisted away, bolting for the door.

“Y/N, wait!” he shouted, but you didn’t stop.

The cool night air hit your face as you ran down the street, your heart pounding in your ears. You didn’t stop until you reached a busy intersection, the lights and sounds of the city a welcome contrast to the suffocating silence of Heeseung’s house.

---

By the time you got home, you were trembling. You locked the door and immediately called Hana, choking back tears as you told her everything.

“We need to go to the police,” Hana said firmly. “Heeseung’s dangerous.”

You nodded, finally realizing the truth. The boy you thought was your friend had been controlling you, manipulating you, and isolating you from everyone else.

But it was over now. You wouldn’t let him control you anymore.

---

taglist: @babygirlskz98

[thevindicativevordan]

Comics this week ?

As a heads-up I might be vanishing for a while. I'll still share my thoughts on Gunn's Superman trailer tomorrow, but I don't know if I'll be as active. Recently got diagnosed with a brain AVM. ER doc thought it could just be monitored for now, but given these things are ticking time bombs who knows what the neurologist will say when I go see him.

Absolute Batman #3 - I was honestly surprised that he did appear willing to take the deal Black Mask offered. Obviously he will back out of it, but the way Snyder positioned the forces arrayed against Bruce, it's the first time I've actually felt like this Batman is an underdog. Even though he's mauling Mask's mooks, he's finding it hard to make a real dent in things. He can't stop Ark M from opening, he can't take down Black Mask's network, he's finally suffering some setbacks. Also: Bibbo! Noooooooo don't tell me he's dead!

The New Gods #1 - Worldbuilding reminded me of Hickman, but there's an emotional current to it that's all Ram V. Been checking every week to see if this released and I'm glad it lived up to the hype. Was that Maxwell Lord the soldiers were taking orders from? Character drama incoming, I don't think Scot and Max have interacted since Max broke bad. Very much looking forward to that.

Jenny Sparks #5 - Superman looking like David Corenswet already? Nice! For a guy who has openly said he loves Batman more, King has really been having a lot of fun mocking him.

World's Finest #34 - This was fine but no more than that. I don't think I need this if I'm pulling JLU so I bid WF adieu.

Challengers of the Unknown #1 - As a guy who has never read a Challengers book before I liked this! Cantwell wrote a good Supes before and this time was no different. I'm glad DC is already following up on how Darkseid's "death" is reshaping the mainline Universe here and in New Gods.

Nightwing #121 - Good issue, nothing else to say really.

Wonder Woman #16 - Detective Chimp by way of Columbo was funny, even if I'm sure it's got the Wonder fans riled up. Circe keeps taking Ls and I'll admit as a fan of hers I wish she was treated as more of a threat. Did enjoy for the Jimmy backup and the Clark cameo in the main story.

Ultimate Spider-Man #12 - Holy cow, stuff is hitting the fan this issue! People have been complaining that MJ hasn't gotten enough focus, and this issue is mainly all about fleshing out her relationship with her family. Her mom trying to make moves on Ben reminded me of some real life relatives of my own. I honestly never knew that MJ had a sister, so thank you Hickman for introducing me to her. But the big gut punch comes at the end: Peter and Harry have been outed and captured by Kraven! Venom has taken Peter's place, to protect the family or to try and replace Peter without alerting anyone? I'm kind of suspicious about how exactly the two of them were discovered, it certainly didn't seem like Kingpin and his goons were making any progress towards unmasking them. Could Venom have tipped Kingpin off? Ugh, having to wait another month for the follow up is agony.

[clawsextended]

as an autistic woman, selina first and foremost deals with her least favorite form of ableism: the you’re too pretty to be autistic trope. it drives her fucking bonkers. she was diagnosed by the good doctor bloom over @godblooded and once she started to learn about it her own mannerisms felt very apparent.

enormous swaths of her attitude are straight performance — selina masks so constantly, so frequently, only ever taught to mask and nothing else. in fact, she doesn’t even know how to unmask when she’s alone. even all by herself, selina finds her true self so intolerable that to act liberally even alone would be an act that turns her stomach. she cannot deal with herself — cannot entertain the dark, racing, pulsing thoughts and the way she is quite literally stuck in a state of hyperphantasia that’s perfectly comorbid with her synesthesia, which is another story.

now what is hyperphantasia? it’s a psychological condition in which the person in question cannot escape a constantly vivacious memory/imagination that means their experiences are extremely visceral and dangerously clear, so much so that it’s something that it can be extremely real to deal with. it’s been called “mental time travel”, which is a person’s ability to visualize the past or the future with a sharp clarity. as a direly traumatized individual, selina’s overactive imagination tends to become gruesome, and she’s witnessed the most gruesome acts possible firsthand from an age as fragile as cheaply made glass.

if you want to understand why selina is so flighty, impulsive, antagonistic, whimsical, spontaneous, and overall? chaotic. it’s because she’s living on a different and yet same timeline than you at any given moment. she’s experiencing a reality that is not your reality. the things you’re hearing and seeing? she is not perceiving them the way you think she is, or the way you intend. not usually. she’s hearing phantom tones in your voice that simply aren’t there — she can’t stop hearing the blood running down the drain two rooms away that’s not even a drain. she’s perpetually stuck in her worst moments and they won’t end and you’re interacting with her and her attention is neatly, horribly, unwillingly divided. she doesn’t want to lose her shit, but she sure fucking is. likely, you would be too if you were constantly tortured by your own internal process and it colored the whole world around you as purely malicious.

this turns as easily inwards as it does outwards. while she’s irrationally shrieking at bruce about him giving her a compliment, she’s also ripping herself apart on the inside, screaming just at loudly at herself to shut the fuck up, god, you stupid bitch, just shut the fuck UP. it’s a troublesome thing that rears its head when she reaches a peak of irrationality, when her mania flares at its absolute worst and she can’t find what end is up. she needs understanding the most when she simply can’t break through enough to communicate the how bad it is, when she’s so deep in a delusional state of mind that can’t be broken through with anything but time, patience, and clarity. selina struggles to keep herself in check, but she subscribes strongly to the cliche that time really is the great decider, the healer of so many things. maybe she can’t manage to hurdle right over this with the usual insistence, bullheaded as she may be, but she’s gained experience. she’s learned how to be patient with herself, how to recognize things that before would’ve been easy to ignore. now she can express when that buzzing sensation sets in. she knows it before it becomes the ball of panic and static that devours her conscious thought. she imagines it like a great angry scribble with teeth — dr. bloom had frowned, and selina saw her mask slip when those blue eyes twinkled with faint empathy, not an ounce of sympathy. she hadn’t hated the sight, for once. the drawing of her rage felt like telling some forbidden inside secret. she wasn’t sure what felt so unsafe, until it had occurred to her there and then her fear of being understood was considerably larger than all other things.

selina’s internal workings are rusted with blood and stopped with clotted marrow. the cogs are misshapen and jagged. the rhythm is a cacophonous screech, and the machine begs for rest after constant overheating. but she can’t rest, can’t slow things down, can’t take it as it comes — she absolutely must know every angle, must secure every route. she’s a strategist at heart, and has always been a rogue, a con artist, a career criminal. her very soul is bent toward extortion, grand gestures, toward sweepingly fancy thoughts that snowball into absurd actions.

selina will respond to statements you either seemingly did not make or will utterly misread the tone, delivery, and contents of the ones you do. she doesn’t mean to do it, but she has a viewpoint colored brightly with bias gleaming through its veins. fear is her most prominent emotion, and it twists her interactions into completely unpredictable things. understanding her is playing russian roulette. every time. except the thing about it is there are more or less bullets in the chamber depending on her mood. she’s always playing a dangerous game with herself and this is only intensified when her mental state is in a precarious place.

but fuck if she isn’t trying.

[kisuminight]

I mentioned before that c!Tommy does have a run-in with c!Dream and c!Niki during Dream's Syndicate Arc. It's an interesting meeting, because it forces Tommy to engage with, and reflect on, the image that he's built of Dream in his head.

See, Tommy runs into Dream and Niki when they're doing resource gathering. The two of them have separated a little, but not too far--out of line of sight but still within shouting range. So Tommy runs into Dream when Dream is nominally alone--and doesn't recognize him.

Dream is in blue and white. In a cloak, not a hoodie. His hair is braided, but it's visible--which is more than Dream really ever used to let it be. More importantly, Dream is unarmored and unmasked--when Dream never felt close enough to Tommy to bare his face to him, and didn't even feel safe enough on his own server to walk around unarmored since after the L'Manberg Independence War.

So Tommy comes crashing up and shouting hello to someone he thinks is a brand-new member of the server. And Dream freezes and just about has a panic attack. Because it's bad enough that he's interacting with someone other than the Syndicate, he's now interacting with Tommy. More importantly, Tommy is the person most likely to realize that Dream hasn't lost his memories--if only because of his sheer obstinate paranoia that Dream is always out to get him.

Worst of all, even if Tommy doesn't hurt Dream directly, he's going to tell people. Spread the word that Dream is back, it Niki's Blade, and that is going to put Dream in danger, put Niki in danger when people come hunting for power because apparently power is more important than peace.

For now, though, Dream needs to make sure that he really, really sells the no-memory, newly Awakened Blade bit. And keep Niki out of it, if he can. Being a Blade with an "unknown" Driver will grant her more protection inter-personally than any reputation she could gather by being in Resonance with Dream.

Dream tries to keep his voice quiet and soft when he introduces himself. Make it not immediately recognizable. He shouldn't have bothered. Tommy recognizes it, sputters out Dream's name, and then descends into cursing. He's go a sword in his hand and he's going for Dream.

Dream gets caught in his own head--does he pull his own sword to block and blame it on Procedural Memory? Does he pull his Soul Weapon and let the fishing rod take the blow to throw Tommy off further--too busy trying to be not-previous-Dream.

Then Niki is there (she came as soon as she felt Dream's rising panic). Her shield counters Tommy's sword, and she puts herself between Dream and Tommy. Dream shivers in her shadow and tries not to feel pathetic about feeling grateful.

"Tommy," Niki greets. It's a cool tone, nothing like the warmth she uses for the Syndicate. Her emotions are a curdled and bitter underneath Dream's tongue, though it doesn't seem actively hateful. "Are you alright Dream?"

"Yeah," Dream mutters, fighting the instinct to move further behind Niki. "The kid came out of nowhere." Tommy is a threat because he's surprising, not good at combat--if he tries anything, he won't be able to do enough damage to outpace Dream's healing. The real problem will be if he tries to make a trap, or if he calls backup.

"What the f*** Niki! Why are you protecting Dream!" It's not really a question, as Tommy tries to edge around Niki to get closer to Dream. "And you! Aren't you even going to acknowledge my name?"

Dream takes a deep breath, steps forward, and looks Tommy dead in the eye. "Why do you think I know your name? You didn't even introduce yourself before trying to attack me." He's trying for reasonable. It even comes across that way, for all that his mouth is set in a nervous line and his hands keep clenching and unclenching because he wants a weapon but is worried about making the situation worse.

~

The entire situation is a mess. Tommy is convinced that everybody is Wrong and that Dream isn't a normal Blade (true, not that Dream knows) and that Dream somehow remembers his previous life (also true) and that everything Dream did in his previous life was deliberate without input from Dream's Driver (he's one of the few people to get that right) because Dream is evil (false).

Tommy is Not Dealing well with seeing Dream unexpectedly again. He is incredibly resistant to adapting his mental image of people, especially Dream. Since L'Manberg's creation, Dream has been the Enemy. Tommy has a valid reason for why he feels so negatively about Dream--but he's also obsessive about it, and tends to project his feelings for Dream onto Dream (which is... not helped by cannon!Dream eventually falling into using fear as a mechanism to make Tommy do what he wants, or Blade!Dream's passive attention-attraction).

~

Dream is lying extra hard about not remembering and honestly just trying to convince himself that it would be a Bad Idea to just take Tommy's last canon life. Tommy's biggest threat to George was a combination of his chaotic nature, general antipathy, and Dream's lack of a Memory Patch. Tommy is generally sympathetic to Niki, so he's less likely to just start trying to kill her Because.

The problem is that he's feigning that he doesn't have his memory, and suddenly attacking Tommy wouldn't make any sense for the "character" that Dream has been portraying to the Syndicate. In the past, terrifying Tommy has made Tommy run--but Dream doesn't look scary now. And if he tried to make himself terrifying, well, that's hard to blame on Procedural Memory and it might be enough to push Tommy over into attacking Niki, too.

~

Niki still doesn't like Tommy. She's gotten over her desire to see him dead, but there's still a general distrust. She's stopped blaming him for things that weren't his fault--but he's on thin ice for upsetting on of Her People, and it's made worse by the fact that she's getting all the chaotic ups and downs as his presence turns the Emotional Bleed from Dream into a storm.

So Niki plants herself between the two of them and does not move. Tommy's good, but Niki is better, especially as she's been training with Techno as part of the Syndicate meetings. If it comes to a fight, she's confident that she can take Tommy out.

~

While it's a mess, I don't think it would end up in the kind of mess that ends with any of the participants dead. Dream basically going "I don't even know who you are," in various levels of plaintive both makes things better and worse. Tommy is furious that Dream is pretending that everything that happened means nothing, furious that Niki is agreeing with Dream, and furious to cover the deep, cold hurt that is trying to rip him up inside because they were right and Dream doesn't even know him anymore.

Eventually, Niki manages to get him to back off for now. Tommy is loud and brash and declares that he's going to prove everyone wrong about Blades and that Dream really does remember everything. Then he goes charging off in a huff to get Tubbo in on the "plan." Niki takes one look at the situation and decides that it's time to take an extended vacation in the arctic, actually. Tommy doesn't know where her city is, but she doesn't want to be trapped there while waiting for him to get over himself.

Overall, this AU probably isn't going to end with proper closure for Tommy in any way. At this point, the way he's fixated means that he won't stop until he's sure that Dream is gone for good, and finally convincing him that Dream's memories were lost (no matter how false that is) will probably be the best short-term solution.

Admittedly, in the long term it's going to make Tommy feel pretty betrayed, but the Syndicate aren't really characters that care about his opinion overly much? Well, Ranboo might care about how it affects his relationship with Tubbo. But Techno mostly cares that Tommy is annoying and also betrayed him and to Philza, he is just Some Kid that Wilbur was attached to (and Wilbur hasn't even been revived in this AU).

Tommy is good as a plot device and as a character--but he's chaotic and difficult and also he and Dream need to have their therapy arcs in separate time out corners if they're ever going to recover from the catastrophe their relationship became. So for the sake of the story and also healing, Dream's Syndicate Arc is getting precedence

[positivelyadhd]

hello!! I have returned with another random thought about ADHD/neurodiversity that I feel like I've known for ages but never really had the words for it so! this is partially an infodump because I can't shut up but also if you don't mind reading my long ramble on the relationship between ND people and online spaces I would love to know your opinion because I haven't seen many people talking this?

I have written a long rambly thought dump that I'll put under the cut if you want to know the details but the TLDR is: I think something about the internet is just a lot more suited to ND people and gives us more of a place to unmask than the real world does? in my experience, the more online I was the more unmasked and happy in myself I was but when I started masking to fit in in the real world I kind of,, lost that?

I've always felt there's a very strong link between neurodivergent people and social media and well tend to gravitate towards each other (which I adore and would love to write an essay about one day when I can function better! I wanted to study it for my dissertation at uni but there wasn't really enough to go on sadly </3)

but I've also been thinking about masking and I just realised,,, in my own life at least, I feel like online I naturally unmask? and I don't know if that's because I'm around neurodivergent people online more often and them unmasking makes me feel safe to unmask or if it has more to do with the way social interactions are inherently different online (I always feel there's less room to overthink/it's less draining. I only have to think about my words rather than body language/expression/volume/how the other person is responding ect ect)?

I have been chronically online since I was about 12 and that has shaped me as a person very much (and saved me too <33) but I always felt more able to unmask online and was also more likely to actually be rewarded for it? by meeting other neurodivergent people that would talk about The Thing We Love!!

I met my best friends online and they all happen to be neurodivergent (although we didn't know at the time!) and I know this is a very common experience for neurodivergent people! and it's partly why I think the internet is so wonderful!

when I was younger I had a fanpage on Instagram that got more followers than it should've given how young I was and I'd become a part of a community I was so happy and safe in which kind of,, made up for the fact I didn't have that at all in school?

I have been having the usual quarter life crisis recently and a lot of that is because in those few years I had no friends but an online space I loved I was so sure of myself and my identity I think because I had a space I could unmask freely? I also wasn't very good at masking at school so I struggled to fit in but I was happier knowing I could be myself then trying to force myself to be something I wasn't?

eventually I did make friends irl who I adore but around that time is when I started to lose who I was, I hadn't realised until just now that the time I started fitting in with other people was the same time I stopped doing the things I loved and ended up so burned out most everyday tasks are overwhelming?

also like I see a lot of people say, getting my diagnosis taught me to start understanding how to accept myself and it changed my life for the better! my school didn't do anything to support me but I learnt a lot about myself and started to understand that I am,, different to neurotypical people and that's okay!! however,, back then the neurodoversity movement was nowhere near as great and listened to as it is now so I feel like I almost,, gave up? felt like I'd been told by the external world so many times that I had to mask that I learnt how to?

i think unconsciously I started masking instead of trying to grow towards self acceptance like I was before. but with the way the wider world is talking about neurodiversity now I feel like the whole concept of unmasking is more acceptable now? also I am an adult that can make my own decisions not a 13 year old that has teachers and other 13 year olds so I don't have to deal with people not accepting me the way I did when I was younger?

idk if that makes any sense but I have many thoughts about masking ! thank you for reading <3