#it’s also a little heartbreaking and i cried so much reading this study it took me a couple hours to finish it

[pussy-ache]

[arleneworld22]

what happened next?...

After our breakup I started dating with him to know us better, we were close friends but we never talked before about romantic topics, I remember didn't be very interested into that, but I push me to take my responsability for what I did. I remember being a little bit ashame because I was afraid of you seeing us, I didn't want anyone to knows I was dating someone else. The first dates were for me uncomfortable, but little a little, I started to acept the reality at the same time I cried for you on nights and lied to me at the next morning that I was healing.

The time passes and after some weeks he ask my permission to give him the chance to propose to me, I wasn't ready for that, I was still missing you, it passed just less of two months, there's no need to rush!, then I remembered this fact that "it took 6 months to heal a heartbreak", so i told him "I need you to give me six months, because the new semester is coming and this one in particular is the most hard of my career, so bear me patience, and I'll give you my time in a properly way", I give him an excuse and I give me time heal my heart; he acepted.

The time passes and we were into small dates, because of my research project, he respeted my times, althought I also saw him get upsed because I caanceled many dates, some for studies, others for me, I enjoyed (and still now) his company, but I wasn't ready to saw him very frecuently, he wasn't you.

The fisrt time I saw you at our university I felt how rush my heart was, I wanted to run directly to you and hug you very tight and scream at you how much I felt it, just like children do when they cry desperately and paintfully for forgivness. But I didn't, because I saw a look of pain in your eyes, maybe it was my imagination, but I let it pass. I remember saw you around there like three-four times, I still remember one day I was wearing this black t-shirt with a white dragon that I was planning to gift to you, since that day would never come I decide to use it myself, funny, that day I was working with a borrowed laptop from our university outside and I see you walk with your old friend, you had to walk by my side if you want to go to the cafeteria, and that happened, we saw each other, acting like strangers, like nothing matters when actually everything mattered.

The six months passes and I never healed anything, but in those months I tried at least to forced me to love him, I put attention on his likes, desires, goals, and dreams taking mental notes, I tried to be affective but as soon I was alone I felt guilty. I wasn't ready. Of course I enjoyed his company, but as soon I was alone, I forgott how it felt.

The first year being his partner I wasn't exactly a good girlfriend, I didn't talk to much with him, I never looked for his hand, I never ask to much about his day, I actually didn't care to much to be honest, but from the bottom of my heart, I trully wanted to love him properly. Then one day I found this polyamorous artist sharing her experience in this kind of relationship, at the beginning I read it for curiosity, but I found that I kind of feel in a very similar way, I felt I was between two worlds and that it was a waste of time trying so damn hard to just love him when I couldn't, I remember I was tired half of the time because I pushed myself to forget one and love the other one. Then I thought that I could try to allow me to love different, not again, just different, and I that thought helps me to be more flexibe with myself about my mindset and feelings for a very long time. I try to allow me to feel a little bit of happiness, little by little, slowly (very very slowly) works.

I remember me looking desperately for you on every single corner of my view, just for that, to see you, just like I still do now wherever I go, I known it and still I do, that it could be just few seconds or just one, but that's enough, it's enought to fill a little the empty of you; because it's a way to remember that you still exist on the same space at me, that we see the same sunsets, that we see the same moon, that we do the same human things, that you are not an ilusion from my mind. (btw, I want to confess that after our breakup, I saw you like 5 times, three of them at our university, other on my way to a wedding, you were walking to your home, I knew it because I was on the opposite direction, and the last one on this baazar where one day we went on a date)

What I did? I allowed myself to think of you, and feel everything with him at the same time, I allowed myself to let you go around my mind, I tried to practice to not feeling guilty, because what I felt for you was real and natural, beautiful, precious and valuable, then, if it's that important, why try to bury it?,you are a very importat part of myself, your presence in my life makes me evolve (for better or worse, but it happened), why don't just appraise your memory for myself and enjoy my life? that's what I did, and still I do; obviously it wasn't perfect, many times I cried because I miss you, sometimes I still miss you, but it's ok, it's human's nature, emotions exist to show us what we want, what we need, what we like, what we don´t like, they made us who we are, to guide us in making decisions.

Sadly, it's been two years since I did that and I'm still don't know what should I do next. But I don't have haste, I learn to be patient with that, maybe I'm just going to live like this forever; or not; who knows?, when I said I was getting tired of this, I mean it to hide my emotions from you and make you believe that everything is solved when in fact it wasn't. So i think my desicion now is let you know what I felt and wanted to do and what I feel and I do now, because being honest, all this time I always wanted to talk to you one more time, but at same time I don't want to make you feel I'm going to be 100% present in your life, I want to be just 5% of your life, I want you to focus in your studies, I want you to do your best at work, I want you to love her, I want you to pass time with her and made plans for future, I want you to achieve your goals, I want you to express when you have a bad day, and at the end of the day, whatever you want, let me know how are you, happy?, sad?, freaking happy?, angry?, upset?, proud of something? how do you feel with the change of season?, do you try new hobbies?, do you have a new fav movie?, is your connection with music still strong as then?, how are your new friends?, how is she with you? do you kiss a lot? i hope you do, what are you working now? do you discover something new about you? I'm not going to get involve in your life, I'm just going to read as much as you let me, so, if you give me permission...

do you let me be you long distance friend like pen pals do?

[harryissuchalittleshit]

Five Men Who Broke Lily's Heart And One Who Healed It

For training prompt Tuesday, @petalstosarah, I told you I would make it angsty. You can read it below the cut or on Ao3!

1. Michael Evans, 1971

Lily could remember the day her father left like the back of her hand.

It had been sometime in quiet days after Christmas, but before New Year’s. He had stood in the doorway, his suitcase packed, his jacket on, his life with them erased from the walls of their home. She would see him again, just a small handful of times, but it would never be the same. He would never be her father, not like how he had once been before.

Lily would cry for hours and hours and hours after. Christmas would never be the same after that. She would find ways to stay away from home, from her mother and sister during the most festive time of year.

Michael Evans would never return to them. He would never pick Lily up and spin her around in his arms again, he would never kiss Iris again, he would never wink at Petunia and smile as they shared their own private joke again. The thing was, he would never be in their life again, not as he used to be, as he wanted to be, no, the separation would never go away.

He wasn’t breaking just his eleven year old daughter’s heart, he was breaking up a family. He was showing his daughter’s that faithfulness wasn’t a thing. He was showing them that men couldn’t be trusted.

How could they? He wasn’t faithful to their mother, he wasn’t kind to her, he broke the trust they had once created.

He broke the trust his daughters had in him.

Michael Evans was the first man to ever break Lily’s heart, and she would remember that. She would remember him and that cold, cold morning when he left. Lily and Petunia sitting side-by-side at the top of the stairs, their mother, Iris standing at the bottom, trying to protect them even then.

Michael Evans would die a few years later, when Petunia had left the house and Lily was away at school. Iris would get the last laugh, but even then it wouldn’t be kind, it wouldn’t be nice.

Either way, the damage was done.

2. Remus Lupin, 1973

The next one would be Remus Lupin.

He wasn’t a man yet, just a kind sweet boy who was thirteen. He studied with her in the library, they passed notes in Arithmancy as none of their friends were with them. They spent hours and days together, just the pair of them, just having fun and discovering a new friendship.

Until it became too real.

Lily would forever keep the photo of her and Remus, taken a warm and sunny day, the pair of them studying in the library, only looking up at the sound of the shutter clicking. The camera was a gift from her father, old and worn down, but still able to make something beautiful.

She would always have a copy, it would be framed, it would move from home to home with Lily. A document of a friendship that she loved, that she cared about, that ended one horrible day over a discovery made public.

She wasn’t afraid of Remus, no one could be afraid of a boy that tucked in his sweaters, and owned more cardigans than shirts, and who sing ever Beatles song as long as he heard the first few notes. No one could be afraid of a boy whose smiles had to earned and his laughter fought with well timed jokes. No one could be afraid of a boy who slept like the dead and studied as if his life was in danger.

No one was afraid of Remus Lupin, but he wasn’t just Remus Lupin.

It wasn’t the admittance of the truth, it was the lie to cover it up. Lily hated being lied to, it made her feel like she was eleven and crying into her sister’s shoulder as their father left to never return again. Broken trust, from a broken man.

It would take almost a full year for Lily to let her guard down again around him, a year of apologizes and passed notes and studying in the library together. It would take a year of whispered conversations and explanations for everything to go back to how it was.

It would take time for the trust to reform.

3. Sirius Black, 1976

When people hear the name Sirius Black, they think trouble.

They don’t think of a broken boy, of a child thrown out of a broken home. They don’t think of tattoos and motorbikes and leather jackets. The first word is trouble, the second is Marauder, the third is brother.

For Lily, it’s unfaithful.

Lily had known him for five years at this point, she had classes with him, she had been partnered with him more times that she could count, she had held his hand after he received Howler after Howler. She didn’t know what it meant to be a Black, but she did know what it meant to not feel at home in your own childhood home.

She knew what it felt like to not belong.

And with that they bonded, they drank tea and told stories about their siblings and cousins and parents, they shared their life. They were friends because none of their other friends got it, they were friends because they needed someone else to understand.

The pact had been simple. They would write during the summers, swap war stories twice a week of their craziness. They would share what they knew, what they could tell, what the other could understand.

But after a week in, Lily got radio silence.

Another week passed, then another, then another, unanswered and unopened letters littered her desk. Worries went unchecked.

Her worries grew, they went into overdrive, she cried herself to sleep. This boy that she loved, that she cared about, that knew her and the life she lived, was forced into during the summer and holiday visits had abandoned her.

This boy who knew everything, who understood everything…he broke her heart in the most selfish way.

Sirius Black would come back, he would squeeze her hand when Howlers came to him at Hogwarts, he would cry on her shoulder when his brother would die years later, he would walk her down the aisle on her wedding day. But he would also take something from her that summer, that long and hot and cruel summer without the lifeline of someone who understood a bitchy sibling and parents who didn’t know how to love a child different than them.

It would take months for Lily to love him again, but she would fall for his heart break all over again. It would never be his charms and jokes and infectious laughter that earned her heart, it would be his familiar tragedy and the way he helped save her.

4. James Potter, 1977

The first time Lily ever kissed James Potter, it was because he broke her heart.

Years and years and years of mixed feelings, of fights and arguments that never seemed to blow over, of day dreams and pining looks and lingers touches. It had been stupid, all of it had been stupid.

Love was stupid.

It was overrated, irrational, and life ending. And yet she fell.

She fell because despite all of the fights, all of the day dreams, all of his smiles and rushed words and his stupid, stupid ticks, she had always loved him. He had the rights to her heart when they met at eleven on the Hogwarts Express. She, going away from everything she knew at top speed, and he, surging forward towards everything he wanted.

She had always been a sucker for kind eyes and a nice smile. She just didn’t realize it until it was much too late.

Until her heart ached whenever he was near, until her head grew dizzy when their arms brushed, until she looked at him and saw everything she could ever want. This was a boy, no man, that you did fall in love with at first sight. That you let kiss you in the rain on a cold November night. That you cried over in bed because you couldn’t sleep at night.

James Potter was a man that love touched and didn’t let go.

It took Lily much longer to realize that she should’ve.

He broke her heart with a kind smile, his hazel eyes bright with laughter, his hair a frizzy halo around his head. He was tall and tan and so beautiful that it hurt to look at him, it hurt to try and smile and pretend that her heart didn’t want him.

James Potter was a man that didn’t deserve rejection.

It would take another month for her to pluck up the courage to tell him. To whisper her love for him on the last warm day of the year. It would take her time for her heart to mend itself, for her brain to forgive the pain in not allowing herself to love him. It would take Lily the rest of her short life to forgive him.

It would only take a moment to kiss him though. She would remember the fire in her veins, the aching in her chest, the fuzziness in her head. She would remember the warmth of his hands, the soft feel of his lips, the small moan that he made when she touched his throat.

She would remember the feeling of her heart knitting itself back together, slowly and carefully, but enough to feel whole again.

5. Peter Pettigrew, 1980

It would be much too late when Lily realized that Peter Pettigrew was the reason for her biggest heartbreak.

It would be long after her son was born, with soft spikey black hair and tan skin and her green eyes. He would be talking and walking and laughing when Lily realized that the tiny little man with sad blue eyes and anger in his heart betrayed her.

Betrayed James, betrayed Harry.

He would cause her death, so young, so prematurely, so unnecessary.

He had made her son be marked as an equal, a baby boy with a toothy grin and bright eyes, a baby boy who smiled and found laughter in everything. A baby boy who called him wo-my and giggled when Peter threw him in the air and always fell asleep in his arms.

Peter had broken her heart when she heard the door blast open, when she heard James fall to the floor, when a man who hated her because of her birth killed her.

But she felt the sadness much earlier. Looking at Peter hurt, not in the way it once had with James, no, it hurt because he was growing smaller, thinner, paler. He was no longer happy, he shied away at smiles and laughter, he grew unfamiliar.

He broke her heart long before the mark appeared on his arm, his greatest shame.

He broke her heart, and somehow, it was like he knew before it all came to an end.

1. Harry Potter, 1981

“Mama loves you.”

Lily stared at her son, his chubby cheeks and dark hair, his tan skin and toothy smile, she stared at her own eyes and tried to find the strength to say something else. Her baby boy was going to die and it was her fault.

“Mama loves you Harry,” she whispered, hoping and wishing that he would know that she never wanted this for him. Her baby boy, her only child, she would never have another, she would never live pass this next moment.

Harry would never know her, never know James, he would never know the love she had for him.

One more man to break her heart.

Go ahead, break my heart. You can break it a thousand times if you so desire. It’s been yours break since the day we met.

She had once stood in front of James and told him that he could end her, break her heart over and over and over again. But even then the words hadn’t been meant for him, they were for Harry, they were for their son.

“Mama has had her heart broken so many times, Harry,” whispered Lily, desperate to get the words out, to let her baby boy know how much she loved him. “But you are the one that I’ll never be angry about, you are the one that I loved most.”

She wished that she could kiss James one last time; that she could hug Remus and tell him how much he meant to her; that she could cry into Sirius’ shoulder and hold his hand; that she could say goodbye to her father once again; that she could be the one to murder Peter.

She wished that her son could grow up loved and safe and protected.

She wished that she could hold him and never let him go, never put him down again.

She wished that the green light wasn’t the same shade as her eyes.

“Mama loves you Harry, forever and ever Heartbreaker.”

[becomingbts]

Find a Way (15)

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Type: angst-fluff-supernatural-series

Warning(s): deals with suicide and death. If you’re not comfortable with that subject, I suggest you don’t read it. Supernatural au.

3.2k

Summary: “If you accept, you’ll go back in time each time you’ll fail.” “I don’t care, I’ll save her no matter what.”

In 2011, he left everything behind so that he could follow his dreams. Yet, he also left his bestfriend, the one who supported him to go to the auditions, the one who cheered on him, the one who brought him banana milk when he felt down, but also the one who killed herself a day before he finally came back home.

Notes: Hello everyone! It’s been a while since I updated this series, I’m so sorry!! I keep on trying to finalize proofreading and then I get stuck and forget for a while, but I hope you’ll like this new chapter! I plan on trying to make more consistent update as we’re nearing the end of the story! I hope you’ll enjoy it!! Take well care everyone, love you lots!

Admin Dolly

Chapter 14 - here - Chapter 16

Fourth Timeline

"She what?" Jungkook froze, unable to comprehend her words.

"My sister. She died in an airplane crash. She was supposed to come back today from her school trip. I... I was supposed to t-take her home tonight," Jungkook's eyes widened as it finally made sense; it suddenly clicked. The postcard from France, (Y/N)'s sudden departure from work, the fact that no one knew where she had gone... It was all because her sudden departure for Seoul had never been planed this early. She was supposed to leave after work, only during the afternoon to fetch her sister.

Jungkook put his confusion aside even if it finally started making sense; he had to support her, it was more important than him trying to put the puzzle's piece together. 

"A-are you alright?" He tentatively asked even if he already knew the answer to the question.

"How am I supposed to be? The only person that stuck to me my whole life just left. How am I supposed to be alright? I swore to protect her with everything that I had-"

"Hey, hey, hey (Y/N) it's not your faul-" she cut him abruptly.

"I could have prevented it from happening!! I should have told her no from the very beginning when she asked me if she could go on that trip, I should have said no! I could have done somet-"

"(Y/N), it's not your fault, listen to me," she went quiet after his sudden yell, startled. His own eyes had also widened, bewildered by the volume of his own voice, yet he knew that he had to cut her rambling. Self-blaming would not help anyone, her sister would sadly remain deceased. How could she blame herself for agreeing to a trip? Of course, she would agree. Jungkook knew better than anyone else that (Y/N) always had to skip school trips because she never got the means for it. It was a given that she would say yes to her sister. "It's not your fault, you wanted her to be happy and not to miss trips like you did when we were younger right?" She looked away briefly and Jungkook got the confirmation he needed. Even if they didn't speak for years, he just knew her and he could tell that she probably used all her savings for her sister to go. (Y/N) had never had the possibility to go on school trips when both of them were younger. When her parents had died, she received monetary help but never got enough to go on trips with the whole class. The provided financial help was supposed to support her in her studies and for her future. School trips were usually deemed as comfort and not as a  need. Hence, she had always been left behind while Jungkook had made it his mission to take a lot of pictures for her and to bring her back a present from each trip they made. It always made her smile and Jungkook could still remember the way she cried the first time he brought her back a little present. So it only made sense for her to do everything for her sister to enjoy school trips the way she had dreamed to. "You didn't want her to miss on anything like you had to, right? You only wanted her happiness, how could it be your fault when you only wanted to make her happy?" Jungkook took a step in her direction and for once, she didn't move away. However, her teary eyes refused to meet his and she snorted quietly at his words.

"And yet, it only brought misfortune. Her last moments were in a hospital when she should have had a much longer life. Yet, her lifeless body was lying there, leaving me all alone." She smiled bitterly, tears rolling on her cheeks as she finally let her despair overwhelm her. Wincing at the sight of her tears, Jungkook tried to push his own heartbreak aside to comfort her as he closed the distance between them and draped his arms over her small frame, engulfing her in his warm embrace, trying to console her as much as he could. He didn't know if he could help considering their broken relationship, but if he could, at least this one time, be a shoulder for her to cry, then so be it.

"I'm sorry it happened to the both of you, I'm sorry for your loss (Y/N)." He let his hand wander through her hair, bringing her head closer to him as he tried to hide his own tears. "I'm so, so, sorry."

"I was so happy that t-today would be the l-last day without h-her," she nuzzled her nose against the crook of his neck, seeking warmth and comfort even if nothing but the cold wind was surrounding them. Jungkook felt like her warmth was so far away, her own presence seemed to hold no warmth. Nothing was right, nothing between them was alright, she wanted to hate him for leaving, to hit him for destroying what they had, but if for five minutes she could finally have someone, stay close to him, she would pretend. Pretend that they were fine, that he still was her home.

"W-why did you have to leave?" She whispered as reality crashed down on her. Now she was alone and maybe they would never be fine again. Maybe she would never be alright again.

"I'm sorry (Y/N) if I could take it all back, I would."  He mumbled, fully knowing that he couldn't, but he still hoped that he could make it right this time.

"She had promised me that s-she'd never leave me alone as you did." She hiccuped and Jungkook's heart broke at her quiet confession. Her voice was so quiet that he had to focus to properly hear her words as if worried that he would disappear if someone were to hear her.

"And she would have never left if she could have helped it. (Y/N), you were her dearest person. When we were younger, she threatened to kick me out of the house if I ever made you cry (Y/N)," it hurt, and her heart truly had other things to think about but she still smiled a bit hearing his words.

"She told me yeah," Jungkook whipped his own tears quietly before (Y/N) could notice them, "once you left, she didn't even try to keep her hatred for you silent." He sighed with a small smile, imagining well that her younger sister probably didn't try to keep her words sweet, he wondered what she told (Y/N) but he shook his curiosity away.

"Let's leave that bridge, yeah? We should get you somewhere warm, you're frozen." He was rubbing his arms against hers, noting again how cold she was. Hoping that it was only because of the cold, Jungkook let his eyes meet hers and he could see the distance she tried to keep between them.

"I-I don't really want to stay with you, to be honest." She pushed him gently, avoiding eye contact again. She didn't want to sound miserable and neither did she want to sound mean, but the only thought of staying near him suddenly made her shiver. It was hard to suddenly have someone back in her life when she didn't have him for years. She had believed that she would never have him back, and now that she lost half of her soul, she didn't know how to welcome him again. Did she even want to? She wasn't sure, all she knew was that she didn't want for him to be around today. Her head was hurting; she wanted to go to sleep.

"I can understand that," Jungkook's smile slowly vanished as his concern grew. He could understand that she didn't want to spend time with him, yet he still hoped that he would be able to look after her a little longer. However, it didn't seem to be in her plans for now. Again, he totally could understand that as much as it stung, but he still wished that he had more time to watch over her.

"Would you like me to find you a hotel room for tonight? I don't think that it would be wise for you to drive in your emotional state." He asked, already bothered by the idea of her driving. It couldn't be safe for her to drive now. He wouldn't force her to stay with him, but he could always pay for a hotel room for her. He would never mind for her.

"I'm okay... I'll be okay. I... I'll have to. Thank you for... I don't really know, thank you though." She returned her glance as he took her hand into his, rubbing his thumb against her palm, soothingly trying to comfort her. He didn't know how to provide support. She had changed so much and so did their relationship. He didn't know what was okay and what wasn't anymore. Jungkook guessed that he only had himself to blame for that, yet he wished he knew her more so that he could encourage her better. Everything was different from the time she lost her parents and Jungkook felt incompetent to actually help her properly. But he would try his best. He didn't come so far only to give up now.

"I know I haven't been here for the last year's, I've been the shittiest friend that you probably ever had if we don't count Ana-"

"Of course you weren't worse than her, find someone from your size-" she almost laughed a bit as he said the name of 'Ana'. She had been a friend of (Y/N) for some months before she realized that she was trying to basically initiate her to drugs. She had overlooked a lot of red flags for that girl even if she realized rather quickly that a lot was wrong between them. Her sister and Jungkook had greatly encouraged her to cut ties quickly; (Y/N) smiled at the thought. Maybe Jungkook would help remind her of all the happy times she got with her sister before she lost her. She wouldn't let herself depend on him again, but if he could alleviate her pain, even just a little, who was she to take it away from herself?

"Of course I wasn't, thank you for acknowledging that; if you ever tell me that I was worse than her, I would start questioning my whole existence." He smiled back at her, keeping her hands warm as he rubbed them in his.

"You're not that far from her you know?" He almost laughed at her attempt of teasing. Nothing was alright, but maybe if life started being kinder with her, she could start healing. Jungkook would never have the pretentiousness of thinking that he would be her remedy; he had done too much damage already. However, maybe he could be a painkiller. And if he had the opportunity to help and ease her pain, he would do anything for her.

"I'm offended, but I'll act as if I didn't hear that," he smiled warmly at her, "as I was saying, I'm probably the last person that you'd like to contact, but please, come to me if you ever need to. I know I've been shitty. I have gone against everything I always said I'd never become, but I'll try to make up for everything, I maybe won't ever be able to fill up the gap I created between us, but I'll try to be the friend that I've never been, and even if you don't want me to, it's okay, I can bear with us being only acquaintance, I just want you to be happy. I know it's going to be hard, you're probably living your worst nightmare, but please. You're not alone. I can be here if you want me to... If you allow me to. I'm a phone call away, I swear. No more empty promise, I'll make them all worth it. If you don't trust me, I can understand but p-please, just.." he was at a loss of words. He had so much to say and he felt like he wasn't conveying any of it. Jungkook felt like he would never find the good words and he hated it. His promises felt empty even to him, but he meant all of them! He had to get it right, he had to find the words. If he didn't, when would he ever make it right again? However, before he could continue, (Y/N) interrupted him, much to Jungkook's surprise.

"I hope you know that your words will have weight, right?" She asked, unsure of what to say after his speech.

"I know. And I'll bear it this time. Here take this, it's my number, feel free to take it or throw it. Just... Yeah, do whatever you want, the choice is yours, but my words are not empty this time. I mean them. I'm here for you whatever happens." She weirdly still had her hand in his as he gave her the piece of paper he had so carefully prepared earlier this day.

"Did you prepare this in advance?" Her question panicked him a bit, yet she didn't leave room for his answer, "thank you for saying this." She was obviously shaken and he hated himself for not being able to help more. "I should get my car." She finally broke the contact, leaving his arms with a sad smile, and he hoped that it didn't mean that it would be the end. It couldn't, he needed for her to be strong and to go on even if it would be hard.

"Let's meet someday, yeah?" Jungkook hesitated but he asked anyway, hopeful.

"Maybe, yeah." She nodded one last time before leaving, walking away under his warm eyes while he truly hoped that she would be alright. He watched her until she disappeared at the next corner and he finally let out a breath that he had not realized he was holding.

He had broken the loop. (Y/N) was alive, she made it.

Even though her healing process would probably be long and painful, she would at least live, and it was all that mattered. She had his number, the choice would be hers to text him or not. Jungkook prayed for her to take it, he hoped that she wouldn't throw it but he couldn't force her to call him either. He glanced at his phone as he felt it vibrating inside his pocket and he wondered which one of his brothers tried to contact him. However, as he checked his notifications, he already had a notification from (Y/N). Jungkook had already saved her number as he remembered it from the previous timeline, so as he saw her name on his tiny screen, he almost giggled aloud in the middle of the street.

The message wasn't long, nor was it saying that she wanted to see him again. No, instead, she had sent a brief "Hi, it's (Y/N)" but it was enough for him to feel his heartbeat accelerate like crazy, pounding against his chest as he rubbed one hand over his heart in a poor attempt to soothe it down. She had taken on his offer. (Y/N) had contacted him, and even though it didn't mean that they would meet soon or that it was going to be easy to be forgiven or for her to ever trust him again, he would perhaps have a chance and it made him giddy. He couldn't help the smile that grew on his lips. Relief flowed within himself. 

She would make it, he would make sure of it. He had to be there for her from now on. He smiled at the possibilities that he could finally think of without feeling his stomach twist uneasily; he could maybe introduce her to his members, maybe take her somewhere nice for a simple walk at night and other things that he dearly missed doing with her. They could go to restaurants, go shopping, even making tourists things. Jungkook didn't care, he'd break every single rule made by bighit if it included her happiness at the end.

So much was now possible and he couldn't keep at bay the excitement that overtook him. He would treasure her the way she deserved. He would man up and not ruin his promises again.

He had to protect her the best way he could. His eyes shut tightly as he remembered what she told him, the final missing piece of the puzzle. Her sister died, it was so strange to imagine it. She died so young, it was unfair. How could sure a pure soul be taken away so easily? Jungkook had tried to push his own shock away the fastest he could because he had known that she would need someone to lean on, not someone who would break after the news, so he had tried to shake it off as long as he was in front of her, yet the reality was now taking a toll on him. (S/N) died, leaving a broken older sister behind; a sister that would have given her life to trade with her if she had been able to.

Jungkook sighed. The news shocked him too, maybe he had never been close to her, but he saw that girl grow up too. He knew her even though she wasn't keen on him, he still knew her pretty well, and it hurt to know that he would never see or speak with her ever again. He had expected to meet her, to have to explain, to face an insurmountable wall that would be the biggest hardship between him and (Y/N), however, she would actually never be there anymore and the realization almost brought him to tears. He wasn't close to her, but she had still been a constant of his childhood. Jungkook felt like something had been stripped away from him despite him expecting to be less affected. Sometimes, death left an unspeakable void, even when one didn't expect it.

Jungkook could only imagine how (Y/N) felt. She had been her entire world, they used to be a duo, an unbreakable one. Yet, fate visibly had other plans and Jungkook wondered why was life so terrible with (Y/N). He sighed again, rubbing his temples a bit, everything was slightly too overwhelming for him. He tried to relax his mind thinking of (Y/N), trying to remember her small smile. She would be okay and it wasn't a mere detail. He finally broke the loop. He did the first step. 

Or so he thought as he suddenly and roughly woke up, sweating and panting.

Why the hell did he get back to his starting point?

Frozen into place, Jungkook looked around and immediately recognized his room. He suddenly jolted awake, mindlessly looking for his phone to check the date. As he found it, Jungkook got blinded by the screen but his eyes widened as he read the date on his screen. He was back to square one.

29th April.

The day of (Y/N)'s death.

[nishiisenpai]

birthday forgotten - tsukishima kei x reader

REQUEST: “Hi babes! Another Haikyuu writer here! I saw you posted about doing requests and I was hoping on giving you one! Maybe an angst with fluff at the end fic where it’s the reader’s birthday (who is the karasuno manager and is also dating Tsuki cause I love that man) and they (the team) all forget, and when they find other later they feel bad because she has always made their birthday’s special. Then ending in fluff of them trying to make it up to her. Sorry if it’s not good I usually write and don’t request lmao. Hope you see more of your stuff in the future! - @nataliahaslosthershit “

A/N: I seriously can not thank you enough for sending in this request(deadass cried about it for a whole 10-15 minutes LOL - because i thought this blog was gonna flop ._. ) but thank you again for sending this in and i hope i didn’t disappoint you or anything!

-

WARNING: Angsty but with a fluff ending!

WHO: Tsukishima Kei x Karasuno Manager! Female Reader

-

“Morning Tsukki!” you smile at your salty dinosaur who had just entered the classroom. You followed him to his desk where he sat down and placed his bag, taking a book out.

“Morning.” Tsukishima said while giving you a small grin and paying attention to his book.

“Whatcha up to?”

“Reading.”

“Oh- uhm, do you want me to stay here or like?” You said as you were about to get up and leave though Tsukishima’s hand held onto your wrist.

“No no, it’s okay. You can stay here.” He looked at you with his norm straight face and you nodded sitting back down.

“I heard it’s a special day today...” you hinted. Today was your birthday and you were really hoping your salty dino got the message.

“Oh really?”

“Yup!” your eyes beamed with sparkles as Tsukki didn’t pay attention. “Hey are you ignoring me?”

“What? No! I was listening still. Keep talking.”

“Oh uhm, well today is a special day! A very very special day.”

“Is that so?” his eyes stayed on the book as he turned the page.

“Yes it quite is.”

“Well if you’re going to say something that mentions about practice then I think you’re mistaken.”

“No, silly! It doesn’t have to deal with practice. Something more exciting!”

“What is there to be excited about?” ouch.

“Well I don’t know, it seems that I am forgetting something...” you mumbled but screamed in your head to shout out the answer to your question. As much as you love this dinosaur, he sure is dumb to recognize the importance of your birthday.

“Well all I know is that today’s a normal and regular day, and there isn’t something special that I remember happening today.” suddenly the words Tsukishima was saying faded into a fuzzy noise. No longer were you able to connect back or hear anything around you, all you heard was the sound of your heartbeat slowly beating and your hurried breathes.

“Y/N? Hello? Are you okay?” Tsukishima snapped you back into reality.

“Huh? Oh yeah... I’m fine. Class is about to start, I’m going to head back to my seat and I’ll see you later yeah?”

“Okay, see yah.”

-

Class ended awhile ago and it was break. You had just left the washroom to see Kageyama and Hinata together bickering.

“What are you two boys bickering about, today?” as you walked up to them.

“Kageyama is calling me an idiot.” Hinata shot a glare at him.

“Again?” you chuckled.

“If you hadn’t ruined my favourite sweater Y/N got for me on my birthday by puking on it I wouldn’t be holding such a grudge.”

“HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY SORRY!” Hinata jumped up and down.

“It’s alright, Kageyama. I’ll get you another one on your birthday!” you said with a small smile and Kageyama’s eyes lit up.

“Wait actually??? Th-Thank you.” he gave you a small bow and you laughed.

“WHAT? NO FAIR-“ Hinata started saying but you interrupted him.

“I’ll make your birthday even more special, Hinata.” That’s all it took to have stars shine in Hinata’s eyes.

“NOT FAIR-“ you probably shouldn’t have mentioned or said that as they continued to bicker.

“Hey- BOYS!” you stopped them and they apologized. “Get to class, you’ll be late.”

“Yes, Y/N.” as they trudged back to class. Hinata had turned around.

“Oh by the way, Y/N.” maybe he would remember or say something about your birthday.

“Yes, Hinata?” you waited for the words to come out.

“Are you ready for-“

“Yes! I am so ready and excited!”

“See Kageyama, I told you Y/N would be excited to see our quick.” wait-what? I thought he would say something or remembered.

“Tsk, whatever.”

“See yah Y/N!” Hinata waved. You tried not to look upset and waved back with a small smile.

“Bye, Hinata. Bye Kageyama. I’ll see you two at practice.”

You knew these two boys would be forgetful. What type of hope did you clutch onto? If Tsukishima didn’t even remember your birthday, how would the others?

-

“Oh hi, Y/N!” Sugawara had said.

“Hey! Where are the others?” you said as you saw Daichi, Asahi, and Tanaka.

“They’re just coming.”

“Ahh I see.”

“So are you doing anything after practice?” yes, I’m going to celebrate my birthday by myself.

“Uh, just studying for an upcoming test. How about you Suga-san?”

“Good luck with that! And uhm.. I don’t think I have anything in mind today. Maybe just take a shower and sleep when I get home.” Suga laughed and you chuckled a bit before putting a small smile hiding away the pain. 

Even Suga forgot your birthday... This is honestly one of the most heartbreaking thing because he’s never the type to forget things. Especially when it comes to birthdays...

-

“Takeda-sensei, I think I’ll head out first. I still have homework to work on.” You said.

“Okay, thank you Y/N for coming.” He said before turning around. You went towards the door to open it quickly as tears were streaming down your cheeks already and you didn’t want to be seen with such emotion displayed on your face. You accidently hadn’t seen where you were going as you bumped into someone.

“Oh Y/N, are you okay?” Kiyoko asked. You wiped the falling tears from your eyes quickly and inhaled a breath of air before facing her.

“Huh? Ah, Kiyoko-san, yes. I am alright. I’m just going to leave early because I have homework to finish.”

“Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yep! See yah!” As you quickly turned away from her and walked your way home continuing to have tears stream down your face. The slow mind process of doubt, and overthinking started playing in your head as to how this could have led you to such event.

-

“Alright everyone, good job today! Make sure to rest up well, eat a well balanced dinner and get enough sleep.” Coach Ukai had spoken before continuing to speak, “Where’s Y/N?”

“She said she had homework left to do.” Takeda-sensei spoke out.

“Shoot, I wanted to gift her this.” Coach Ukai was holding a bag of your favourite snacks from his store.

“What for?” The team questioned.

“For her birthday... Why else?” Coach Ukai looked at the team in confusion looking at the faces of shock and guilt before widening his eyes.

“Did you idiots forget it was her birthday?!?!?!?” Coach Ukai slightly raised his voice making everyone panic.

“Wait- what? It’s today?” Tsukki checked his phone and spat out his water.

“Holy shit, I’m a bad boyfriend.”

“Tsukishima! How could you forget!?!?!” Yamaguchi yelled at his best friend before slapping him on the back of his head.

“So that’s why she was crying...” Kiyoko spoke out and everyone froze.

“S-She was crying?” Tsukishima’s eyes enlarged before grabbing his bags and heading towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Daichi asked stopping at the door.

“To go apologize to my girlfriend and to spend the rest of the day with her, why else?” As Tsukishima stared down at his captain. 

“We should all go and make it up to her. We as a team forgot so we shall go do what’s right.” Sugawara had spoken as Tanaka and Nishinoya had aggressively nodded their heads.

“Let’s go to Coach Ukai’s shop to purchase more snacks and drinks.” Hinata said while looking at Kageyama. “I’ll beat you there first.”

“Not unless I do it first!” As the two started sprinting towards the doors and to the shop.

“You sir,” Tanaka and Nishinoya said while looking aggressively into Tsukishima’s eyes, “Need to be a better boyfriend or we’ll take your girl.

“As if you can.” Tsukishima smirked heading outside before dashing to your place.

-

You were laying in bed after finishing your studies and staring at the ceiling thinking about how today turned out. 

“Am I not important? Do they even know when my birthday is? I mean I had mentioned it before. Does Tsukki even know it’s today? Am I not special enough?” all these clouded thoughts were blocking out the noise around you but suddenly your phone vibrated next to you snapping you out of your thoughts. The caller ID showed a picture of you and Tsukishima on your second date at the park mindlessly being slight idiots at night.

“Hello-?”

“Open your door.” Tsukishima’s voice said.

“Huh, why?” As you got up and walked towards the front door.

“You’ll see.” The call ended and you stared at your phone questioning what Tsukishima meant.

You opened the door revealing your boyfriend.

“What are you doing here at this time?” You said looking up at your boyfriend and tilted your head in confusion.

“Hold on, you can come in guys.” Tsukishima mentioned and you cocked your eyebrow at him.

“Happy birthday, Y/N!” Hinata came in giving you a plastic bag. In came the rest of the team and you were suddenly now holding plastic bags and poorly wrapped gifts in your hands as each of them said happy birthday to you.

“What is this..?” you chuckled nervously looking at them all for an answer.

“We felt really bad for forgetting to say a happy birthday to you. Mainly that tall blonde over there.” Tanaka said and Tsukishima sent a glare to the older boy.

“Aww thank you guys... I will admit I was a little upset, but that doesn’t matter anymore because you guys are here now! What are we waiting for? Let’s get this party started!” you exclaimed and their moods brightened.

“I’ll go set up the board games.” Daichi said with Sugawara following behind. The rest of the boys went to set up the snacks meanwhile you went to your room and placed the gifts there before heading to the kitchen to get some cold drinks.

“Y/N...” Tsukishima said out of nowhere scaring you.

“Tsukki, you nearly gave me a heart attack.” you said as you placed a hand over your heart chuckling.

“I’m sorry.” your chuckling stopped.

“It’s okay, babes. You didn’t know.” you said placing the drinks onto the kitchen counter.

“No, it’s not okay! Today is significant and an important day. I am so stupid for forgetting that it was your birthday.” Tsukishima looked down. This wasn’t like your boyfriend. The Tsukishima you knew wasn’t all apologetic and or so soft?

“Tsukki, it really is okay...” you went over to him and stood right in front of him before wrapping your arms around your salty dino.

“But it’s not.” he said mumbling. You sighed before bringing your hands to Tsukishima’s cheeks pulling him down a bit and bringing your lips together for a light kiss and going back into a hug position.

“Baby, it’s okay. I already forgave you for coming and you guys making it up to me by purchasing all this stuff and bringing all this stuff too. I promise.”

“Really? Cause I feel like a shitty boyfriend right now.”

“You will if you keep being all pouty and soft. That reminds me, since when were you so caring and soft?” you push your head away from Tsukishima’s chest giving him a puzzled look before he placed his hand on the back of your head and pushed you back to his chest.

“Shut up.” he grumbled while blushing and you giggled.

“WOAH- TSUKISHIMA’S BEING ALL CUTE IN THE KITCHEN WITH Y/N!” Sugawara said telling the group and from there started chaos.

-

[usedtobe-angstyoikawa]

Found you

Oikawa Tooru x gn!reader

Summary: you fell in love with him at the wrong time, slight enemies to lovers trope

Warnings: angst (disappointed but not surprised)

Word count: 1909

a/n: sorry I’m a sucker for pain and I’ve been CRAVING unrequited-love-kinda-heartbreak for the past week so yeah sorry again. Also I just finished reading the song of Achilles and didn’t cry so I NEED this

———————————————————————

You first thought he was an asshole. Always wanting to be the center of attention, being the teacher’s pet but talking shit about them as soon as they turned around to continue with the lesson. He was the typical perfect boy who everyone loved, so sweet, so polite, so talented. Or so they thought.

You changed school during your third year of high school and started going to the same one as your childhood friend, Aoba Jōsai High. Kyōtani (aka mad dog) wanted to join the volleyball team but didn’t want to go alone ‘cause he knew he’d screw it up and go back to training by himself. So, you offered yourself to go with him and apply for the manager position. Boy was that the worst choice you’d ever made. Not only did you have to spend lots of time (worth of studying) in that stupid gym but you also had to deal with their self centered captain. The first thing he said to you was “hey cutie where’s my hug at” (a/n: I’m so sorry but he would) you wanted so badly to punch him in the face, but you knew better so you just rolled your eyes and ignored him.

He kept flirting with you every now and then but he grew tired of your indifference pretty quick and started behaving like the spoiled child he was. He’d argue with you during practice over some stupid shit or blame you for having given him really cold water to drink during the last match on purpose just to make his throat sore and sabotage his performance. You were petty and didn’t let him off with this behavior so easily, you’d point out every wrong answer he gave during class just to piss him off or boo him every time he’d miss a serve.

The team seemed to find your relationship with Tooru entertaining. They’d make bets without the two of you knowing, wondering who’d win the next argument or how long it would take you to punch their captain in the face.

After a few months as the team manager you grew closer to the boys and started to listen to their personal problems, giving them the best advice you could think of in order to help them out. They became your friends. Even Oikawa came to you every once in a while to ask for your opinion on some ugly outfit he was thinking of wearing to some party, only to then clarify that he was asking you so he’d do the opposite of what you’d said.

Eventually the bickering ceased and you two started to get along, greeting each other when you crossed in the hallways and making small talk when you were the only ones left in the gym. That last one happened very often. Oikawa was known not only for his good looks and popularity but also for his hard work and volleyball skills. You’d seen him staying at the gym practicing until god knows what hours of the night, Iwaizumi always being the one trying to get him to stop but failing.

One night it was just the three of you, you were about to leave when the two boys started screaming at each other. You’d seen this exact same scene before, Iwa begging him to stop and Tooru yelling at him for not being a good friend and support him. But this time it was different, Iwa was tired of this and didn’t know how to help his stubborn best friend so he exploded.

“ You are a stupid, selfish asshole ” were the words that left the boy’s mouth “ You’re so blinded by your goals that you don’t realize how bad the people who love you are suffering. All because of you and your stupid need for perfection. And I’m tired of this shit”

After that he left the gym and headed home, leaving you alone with Oikawa. The boy seemed to ignore your presence as well as his friend’s words and continued with his practice. He served over and over again, running out of breath with every hit. You didn’t really understand what the big deal was, why he would overwork himself or why Iwa was so mad at him.

“Hey, shittykawa ” you called, expecting him to ignore you. He turned around, volley ball in hand and nodded his head at you.

“What? You gonna yell at me too?”

“No, actually I just wanted to ask you what is going on. I’m still new to this whole manager thing but I’m pretty sure part of my work is to make sure you guys’ heads are working all right, and yours seems to be a bit fucked up ” it wasn’t until the words left your mouth that you realized what you had said. You looked up at him and waited for the argument to start. Again, you were surprised.

“I know, I can act like an idiot when I’m hating myself” his answer was meant to be sarcastic but his face said otherwise.

That day something changed between you two. You sat in the middle of the court and Oikawa opened up to you. He told you about his dreams and goals and how close he had gotten to achieving them, only to have them snatched away because of some mistake he had made. Kyōtani had told you about the match against this Karasuno team and how the lost had affected them, but you felt there was something he wasn’t telling you. Now you understood. Oikawa blamed himself for it. And that wasn’t all, he also talked about the amount of stress and pressure he had put himself under and how tired he was of giving it all only to be beaten by more talented people. You watched him cry and throw balls at the wall, screaming about some first year student who was a better setter than him even though he had worked ten times harder. He was mad, furious but also exhausted. You didn’t really know what to say so all you did was listen to him. Once he had calmed down he apologized for his behavior and walked you home.

That night you couldn’t sleep. You hadn’t expected to see that side of him, you hadn’t even considered that maybe that annoying egotistical self was just his shield, a mask. Ever since that night you started being nicer to him, asking him how his day was going, if he had drank enough water, etc. You were becoming friends.

It wasn’t long until Oikawa’s fans started rumors about the two of you being a couple, the team would make fun of him but he’d just brush it off and deny it. He was Oikawa Tooru, the great king, he couldn’t date someone like you. That’s the lies he’d tell himself but the truth was that he had found a good friend in you and was scared to loose that.

Late night talks in the gym became a regular, he’d always walk you home after practice (along with mad dog ‘cause he was your neighbor) and every now and then you’d have lunch with him. At first it felt nice, you liked being friends with Tooru and being able to help him out with his problems, letting down his walls and showing you his true self. It was close to the end of school that you started to feel weird around him. Suddenly the gym seemed a bit smaller than it used to be, the air felt a little dense too specially after watching Oikawa train intensely, sweat running down his neck. It’d get harder to swallow and talking to him without going blank was a challenge, something was wrong with you but you couldn’t tell what.

You didn’t tell mad dog about it, knowing he wouldn’t really have an answer to give you, so you kept it to yourself and waited for it to go away. It didn’t. You started to think about him on a regular basis, wondering what it’d feel like to hold his hand in yours or to cup his face and give him a soft pe- wait what, oh shit. Could it be? Could you be in love with Tooru?

One night, while he was walking you home after practice you decided to put your feelings to the test. Without really thinking much about it you got your hand out of your pocket and grabbed his hand. It felt cold, harsh, it wasn’t soft at all like you had imagined but you still liked holding it.

“ What are you doing?” you looked up at him with a boring expression on your face, his cheeks were... red?

“ I’m holding your hand” god you were stupid.

“Yeah, I can see that. Why?”

“ I don’t know it just... looked cold, I’ve heard you have cold hands and so I thought I’d help you out” it sounded like a better excuse in your head.

“ Oh, eh okay, thanks I guess?” He gave you a small smile and squeezed your hand, holding it tight until you reached your home.

After that incident you decided you were definitely in love with him. That same night Oikawa realized his feelings towards you were purely platonic, he loved having a friend outside of the volleyball team who could see him for who he really was and would not be afraid to judge him, you cared about him and weren’t afraid to show it. He remembered the words you’d said to him that night at the gym after his fight with Iwa.

“You’re lucky to have someone who cares so much about you, I can really tell he loves you. I know you probably can’t see it right now, but all those things he said he only did cause he’s worried you’re gonna get yourself hurt. He loves you”

He loves you.

The graduation day came and you all cried, laughed and hugged each other. You had planned to confess your feelings to Tooru once the ceremony was over, but before you could get a change it all went to shit. It’s like it all happened in slow motion, him grabbing your hands and pulling you into his arms, making you feel so warm inside.

“ Thank you for giving me a second chance, you’re such a good friend” Ouch. “ I need your advice once more, please?” He looked at you with his puppy eyes and you couldn’t say no. He took you away from the crowd of students and guided you through the halls, finally sitting on the steps of the stairs.

“Okay, so, what is it?” A part of you hoped this was a love confession, the other part knew that it wasn’t.

“ I’ve been thinking about what you said to me that night at the gym” he started “ The night I had a fight with Iwaizumi” his checks were turning red, he was playing with the rings on his fingers, and suddenly you understood. This was a love confession, except he wasn’t confessing to you.

“ You love him” Tooru looked up at you and smiled, you’d never seen him smile so bright.

“ I think I do, but I’m scared. He’s my best friend you know, there’s a lot at risk. I couldn’t bare to loose his friendship over some crush.” He let out a frustrated sigh. “But I’m sure this isn’t it, it’s not just a crush” Ou-“ I love him” -ch.

Next part

[twopoppies]

hey, can u rec fics that deal with loneliness? intimacy issues/ struggling to put urself out there and maintain or form meaningful relations (not strictly romantic). or fics that deal with a deep, encompassing feeling of sadness/grieving? basically an emotional hurt/comfort fic where one character is terribly, terribly sad. please hv a wonderful day

Hi darling. I think I can give you some, yes. 

Literally Making Love by Brooklyn_Babylon / @twopoppies (E, 30K) this one is mine, so here’s the summary:

Holding up one of the android's eyes to the workshop’s windows, he smiled as the light picked up the gold flecks in the pale green of his irises. Louis had always paid attention to even the tiniest details.

--

All Louis intended to do was rescue someone in need from loneliness. He had no idea it would be himself.

My husband (29/M) died and has been possessed by a demon and now he’s cooking eggs in my kitchen as if nothing happened, what do I do? by adoreloux (M, 4K) I’ve only recently found this author, but I love their fics. They’re definitely unique, just a bit quirky, and so well written. This one made me cry (I mean, Harry is dead. Sort of).

wishing you were them by momentofclarity / @gaycousinlarry (T, 20K) This author always has such a lovely way with words. This fic, in particular, does a great job depicting deep depression and loneliness. The depression here is compounded by the specifics of Harry and Louis’ relationship, which makes it all the more moving, but still very realistic. 

your best fake smile by YesIsAWorld / @louandhazaf (GA, 6K) This is a wonderfully written character study that does such a great job of really capturing both the feeling of deep depression and the soul of the location in which the fic takes place. It’s tightly written in the best possible ways – not one superfluous word.

Emperor’s New Clothes by sunsetmog (E, 92K) I read this one years ago and while I always enjoy this author’s writing, I don’t recall a ton of details except that the deterioration of Louis’ mental state really made me cry. But don’t worry, there’s a happy ending!

we should open up (before it's all too much) by @disgruntledkittenface (M, 43K) This was just a really unique and beautiful story about loss, grief, and learning how to open up to someone. 

The Woods are Lovely, Dark and Deep by @helloamhere (WIP, 4 part series so far, mixed ratings, 101K) Amazing world building, complex characters, beautiful writing. It’s still a WIP, but it’s so worth reading (and the author says they’re working on more so…fingers crossed)!

hope you guessed my name by juliusschmidt (E, 9K) Harry is a devil, Louis is human. I don’t know what it is about this fic, but I just adore it. It’s so moving and so beautifully written and yes, I cried over Harry being a lonely cryptid.

Little Technicolor Things by scary_crow (M, 72K) This is truly one of the most beautiful pieces of writing I have ever read and it is an absolutely travesty that it’s not being talked about every day. This fic is gorgeous and poetic and romantic and heartbreaking and an explosion of metaphoric images and everything I never knew I needed but now that I have it I want to read it over and over and over. 

Make Your Words A Weapon by HelloAmHere (E, 36K) I read this a second time recently, and it’s even better than I remembered. I love everything this author writes, but this one just really hit me hard for whatever reason. Maybe it’s the way they explore Louis’ anxiety and coping mechanisms and pain and the way he pushes people away and protects himself, but also wants someone to push back just a bit and love him despite all of that. And the way Harry is the perfect foil for all of it, while also feeling like a fully developed character himself. Yeah, it’s probably all of that. Plus soul marks!

Shake Me Down by AGreatPerhaps12 (NR, 209K) this fic will run you through the wringer, but it’s really a great read. I really like the way the author took the boys from enemies to friends to boyfriends, and how we got to see how protective and supportive Louis became towards Harry.

But I’m Weak by @afangirlfantasy (NR, 2K) This was gorgeous. And SO sad. And I would read 50K of this if I was a masochist. 2K is about all I can handle of this level of angst, but boy was it beautifully written.

----

You can also check this rec for fics where characters struggle with mental illness this one for hurt/comfort fics and this one for death/grieving fics. Hopefully all of this will give you some of what you’re looking for. 

[justdbd]

100 bloody dead Roses

Ghostface x Reader

[gender neutral// TW: death & stalking]

Stalker

[ /ˈstɔːkə/ ]

a person who harasses or persecutes someone with unwanted and obsessive attention.

Or in your case; someone who secretly watches you and takes multiple pictures of you without your notice.

Never would you have guessed that you’d become the obsession of the famous killer ‘Ghostface’. Day for day he watched you and learned about you, he knew you better then anyone else did, all your dirty little secrets just as all of your hobbies and likings, he knew about them; about all of them. His obsession with you became worse day for day, you could say you were his favorite victim. The only difference about you and the others was that he took longer then usually to study you. He wanted to make sure that he knew you inside out, even though sometimes you annoyed him. Those were the times you talked or just interacted with your boyfriend in general. He hated that guy, his hate against him gave him a whole new feeling. Somehow he wished for him to disappear, why? The man with the Mask couldn’t really answer that question himself, he was good at reading others but bad at understanding his own feelings, the desire to kill your boyfriend was growing bigger and bigger, till he decided to put him on his victim list. He began to spend more time watching your boyfriend, your dear stalker saw him buying you flowers every time he visited you. ‘Was that why u liked this guy?’ He thought to himself. From that point forward an ‘unknown stranger’ sendet you dead Roses every day, each day it would be one more Rose, 1 Rose on day first day, 2 Roses on the second day, 3 Roses on the third day... You where confused as to why anyone would do that and what in the world you where supposed to do with them. Time past and Ghostface was still on to you, it was day 95 of you getting the dead Roses, it honestly annoyed you at this point but there was also no way of stopping it, no matter what you did the Roses still always found a way to your Front-door. But this time there was a little surprise for you laying around right next to the Roses. A letter, your eyes looked at it in confusion, ‘was it a love letter from who ever was sending you those Roses?’ You whispered as you picked it up and looked inside of it. You froze as tears began to roll down your cheeks, you couldn’t believe what you were seeing in front of you right now it was your beloved boyfriend sleeping with someone else. Sadness and anger started to fill your body as you rushed back into the House looking for your phone. Your whole body was shaking while you looked for the the more then just familiar number of his phone, screaming filled the room, your voice breaking from time to time just like your relationship broke at this moment. A smile appeared behind the Masked of the man who was responsible for all of this heartbreaking chaos while he was watching you as usually, but for him that wasn’t enough, he finally wanted to take out that asshole that cheated on you.

A few days passed again and you received 100 dead Roses. A small smile appeared on your face, after what happened 5 days ago the only thing that made you smile were the Roses of the stranger, the more you thought about it the more romantic it seemed to you even if you still couldn’t explain why on earth they all had to be dead? The day passed and it became night. Around that time you were usually done with all the work and got to rest in your bed just like today. You put on some comfortable clothings and moved your tired Body step for step closer to your Bed. Suddenly the light went out, panic over came you “SHIT! DID I FORGET TO PAY THE BILLS AGAIN?” You shouted as a voice responded to you “don’t worry sweetheart you didn’t” the panic quickly turned into fear and the lights went on again. Ghostface standing right in front of your Door. You cried unable to move or think straight as the tall one dressed all in black moved towards you. “I’ve been waiting for this day for quite a while now” his voice softly responded to your tears. “Don’t be afraid, i got a gift for you darling” he reached into his pocket and got another Letter out of it, it looked just like the one that you found next to the dead Roses a while ago, carefully placing it into your Hand. “What are you waiting for open it, i think you’ll like it~” a flirty tone took over his harsh voice, meanwhile you did as you were told in fear of what might happen if you don’t follow his oders. Your heart stopped and you’r face went white it was a selfie of him with the corpse of your by now ex boyfriend. “W-Why” you stuttered, “he cheated on you, i thought that might make it easier for you to forget about him” his gloved Hand slowly pulled your Chin up while his other one moved his Masked slightly upward to reveal his lips. “You should thank me~ after all i did so much for you, i took care of your ex, always listened to what you had to say and sendet you a 100 of beautiful Roses” he smirked “just as beautiful as you” The tall one whisper before pushing a kiss on your lips. You closed your eyes, your mind black with no thoughts what so ever. Then all over the sudden you felt a burning pain in your chest. You broke the kiss just to see a knife inside of You. “I think i might be in love with you” were the last thing you heard before everything around you went black and never white again.

[this is my first os and i really hope y’all like it, also English isn’t my first language so im sorry if anything seems off. Still i hope you enjoyed it <3]

[mersuperwholocked-lowlife]

Ace

Word Count: 1,776

Characters: Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester, Reader, OC Character

Pairings: Sam Winchester x Niece!Reader ; Dean Winchester x Daughter!Reader

Warnings: angst, cliffhangerish?

A/N: Part 2?

Masterlist

(gifs not mine)

“No, not like that. Like this,” you watched as your dad taught your brother how to unload and reload his gun for the 100th time.

You continued sitting in the war room, trying to study.

Instead, you found yourself watching your Dean and your brother, praying that you could be close with him. After your mom died, Dean took you and your brother in. Unfortunately for you, Dean favorited your brother, and never realized how much he showed it.

You got along fine with Sam, both like reading, good grades, smart, the whole pack. But, you knew he still preferred your brother.

Most of the time you ignored it, but sometimes it got hard.

“You know, I’m not proud of much, but I’m proud of you,” your dad smiled, patting your brother’s back.

“Thanks, Dad,” 

You sighed, looking back to your textbook and snapping out of your thoughts.

“(Y/N), wanna watch a movie?” you hear your brother ask.

“No, I’m studying,” you reply, starting to take some notes.

“You never want to do anything fun anymore. It’s annoying,” he rolled his eyes.

“Hey, be nice,” Dean warned.

You were a little surprised over his reaction, normally he wouldn't say anything.

“I have work to do. I want to keep my grades up,” you sighed.

Another lie.

All you cared about was that you were away from your family.

“You’re so boring now. You've changed,” he said.

“I know,” you grab your textbook and your notebook, making your way to your room.

---

“I got three concert tickets!” your brother exclaimed, running into the bunker.

“Sweet, kid! Who are you taking?” Dean asked.

“Me, you, and Uncle Sam,” he replied.

“What about (Y/N)?” you heard Sam ask.

It’s nice to know you weren't completely invisible to everyone.

“I don't want to go,” you shrugged.

“Are you sure? You don't go anywhere,” Sam asked.

Dean just stared at you quietly.

“I’m sure. Have fun,” you say before leaving.

---

You sat at your desk, finishing up your schoolwork, when your mind drifts off to somewhere else, thinking about your life.

Thinking about how much you missed your mom, thinking about how much you wanted Sam to be your father instead. You might not be his favorite but at least he doesn't pretend you don't exist.

You thought about everything Dean didn't know about you. Your favorite color, what college you wanted to go to. What your favorite book was, or your hunts.

The hunts were your hardest secret. You always hacked into whatever database you could, gathering information.

Sometimes, you’d release information for other hunters to use. Other times, you’d help hunters, wearing a mask to hide your identity. But, mostly, you snuck out, doing them solo. 

Not that they ever noticed. The one thing you hid was your name, using the nickname Ace. Not that it had any meaning to you, you came up with it after you realized Sam and Dean also knew the hunters that you sold information to.

You realized how much you truly missed your mom, and how much you wanted her back.

After you finished your work, you sat on your bed, looking at all the pictures and memories with your mom.

You didn't realize your tears till they fell down, falling on the pictures.

(Y/N) and Jason, 2003

You looked at the picture of you and your brother, realizing how far you've drifted from him.

You were never one to talk about your emotions, but you had completely changed everything about you. You were broken, you weren't human. You were just a shell. A numb shell.

But if you were so numb, why did you care about wanting Dean to notice you, about wanting your family to care about you? Was that bad or good?

You close your eyes, laying in bed. Not asleep, but not wanting to talk with your family.

---

You found a way to sneak out of the bunker. A hunter called, needed help with a nest. You grabbed your mask and left.

---

The anniversary of your mother’s death came, with you being the only one who cared. Even though you were still in pain. You were bruised and wounded from the last hunt, but you didn't care.

“Where are you going?” Jason asked you.

“I’m just going out for a bit,” you replied.

“Where?” he crossed his arms.

“Somewhere,” you knew if you told him the truth, he would be mad that you weren't taking him. And you could use some time away from him.

“Where?” he asked again.

“I'm just going out,” you replied,

rolling your eyes.

“What's going on?” you heard Dean’s voice.

Great, just great

“(Y/N)'s trying to sneak out,” your brother told Dean.

“What? Why? Where are you going?” Dean asked.

“I just wanted to go out,” you could feel your emotions threatening to spill, but held them in.

“Just go to your room. You’re grounded,” Dean said.

“W-What?” you said shakily.

“Grounded, for a week,” he replied.

You were on the verge of tears.

“Can this just start tomorrow, I really have to go,” you said, looking at the time.

“Whatever it is can wait. Go,” Dean motioned to your room.

You felt your heartbreaking, you felt something. You felt pain.

You quickly ran to your room, slamming the door shut behind you, as you let out quiet cries.

You couldn't risk letting anyone hear you.

You heard them knocking at the door, about to pick your lock.

“Please, leave me alone,” you said, keeping your voice strong.

Before anyone could say anything, your door was open, your brother stood in front of you. 

“What is going on with you?! Mom died, and that was painful. Now I lost you too. Y-You’re just quiet and weird all the time. And now you’re trying to sneak out,” he said to you.

“Do you have any idea what today is?” you asked him.

“No? Is it important?” he rolled his eyes.

“I guess not. Please, leave me alone,” you sighed.

He paused before leaving you alone in your room.

You grabbed a bottle of whiskey and headed to your room.

---

“What’s that noise?” Sam peaked his head up.

“I didn't hear anything.” Dean shrugged.

He heard glass shatter.

“What the?” Sam jumped up, running with his gun.

Dean followed behind closely as they ran into your room.

You laid on the ground, sitting up when they entered. You must've not realized that your wound was now open and bleeding.

“What the hell?” Dean looked at you, shocked.

You looked beside you, seeing the shattered whiskey bottle on the table.

When did that happen? you shrugged as you pushed yourself up, before stumbling to the table.

“Are you drunk? Are you fucking drunk?” Dean yelled.

“Yeah, so?” you replied.

You leaned against the wall, using it to keep yourself standing. You felt some blood drip from your clothes.

“Are you kidding me? You’re 15!” he yelled.

“Screw you!” you yelled.

“Dean?” Sam gave him a look.

“What?” he asked, not noticing anything wrong.

“She’s 17,” he replied.

He paused.

“Okay, just, move away from the glass before you hurt yourself.” Sam put his gun in his pocket, reaching a hand out to you.

“I hate you so much,” your eyes watered as you looked at Dean.

“What’s wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?!” Dean yelled.

“Why am I acting like this? This is how I fucking act! This is the real me! You’re too preoccupied with Jason to even get a look at me!” you yelled.

“That’s ridiculous, (Y/N),” he rolled his eyes.

“You didn’t know how old I am! You don’t know anything about me! I’m surprised you even know my name!” you cried.

You get your vision blurring. You were losing blood but didn't care enough. You didn't want to stop it. You wanted to bleed out right there and then.

“(Y/N),” he started.

“No! You listen to me! I’ve kept this in for a year! I-I thought that it was me! I thought that it was my fault! But it’s not! It’s not my fault! It’s your fault because you’re a terrible father!” you fell forward, as your hand went straight onto the shattered glass.

You let out a cry watching the blood fall from your hand.

“(Y/N),” Dean said softly, walking towards you.

“I wish you weren't my dad. I wish I died instead of my mom,” you cried.

“I’m sorry,” he wrapped his arms around you.

“I wish Sam was my dad,” you leaned against him, as he felt your body go limp.

“(Y/N)?” he said.

“(Y/N),” he repeated.

He pushed you off of him, looking at you carefully.

“Dean, she’s bleeding!” Sam pointed out, watching the blood drip from your clothes.

“What the hell? We have to go to the hospital. Get Jason,” he picked you up, running to the Impala, and driving off.

---

You woke up with a headache, squinting at the bright light.

Why was it so bright? 

You jumped up, remembering last night.

“Holy shit,” you groaned.

You heard a knock at the door as Sam walked in.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” he closed the door behind him.

“I-Is Dean here? I’m…. last night,” you stuttered, not sure where to start.

“It’s okay….. h-he’s not here,” Sam sighed.

You felt your heart shatter.

“Of course he wasn't,” you sighed.

“(Y/N),” Sam started.

“Why would he be here? It’s not like anyone he cares about was here,” your eyes watered.

“It's not like that….” he said.

“It’s fine. I’m fine,” you looked down, wiping your eyes.

“I’m sorry that he doesn't care about you,” Sam sighed.

“Yeah,” 

“I mean, I can’t blame him,” he started.

“What?” you looked up at him, shocked.

“I mean, you can’t blame him, no one cares about you, no one wants to be around you,” he shrugged.

“Why are you saying that?” you asked softly.

“It’s just the truth, and deep down you know it too,” he said.

“Please, leave,” you said.

You waited for him to leave the room before you cried softly.

You had to leave, you needed to leave. You stumbled out of the bed. You wrote a note on a piece of paper, sneaking out of the window.

---

“When will that idiot doctor let us go in?!” Dean groaned.

“I don’t know….” Sam froze as he saw himself leave your room.

“What's wrong?” Jason asked him.

“Shapeshifter,” he said to Dean.

“What? (Y/N),” Dean gasped, running to your room.

Sam went after the shifter, holding his silver knife.

Don’t look for me - (Y/N)

(Posted @ 12:57 PM on July 14, 2020)

[army-of-mai-lovers]

ATLA fic recs pt 3!

part 1 part 2 (again, consider this a re-rec of everything I recced in those parts, those were all brilliant fics! I have really good taste y’all) 

This is for Spotlight Saturday (which I didn’t even know was a thing oh my goodness that’s so cool) and also bc I passed two milestones since making the last one of these! thank you! I don’t know why you’re here but I’m so glad you are! <3 <3 <3 <3 also, a gentle reminder that I love so, so many more fics than appear on these lists, and there are even more fics that I’m simply not exposed to. if you want to send me your work or the work of people you really like, please do so! (G or T only, please)

1. Hooked by @listless-brainrot I know List writes fic specifically to cause me pain but I cannot tell you how much serotonin I got when I found out during the Great Jetru Summer Storm of 2020 that somebody had a) already made content and b) that content was literally incredible. Like not only does List have impeccable taste and an impressive amount of patience he’s also a really good writer??? To be perfectly honest I sometimes turn my brain off a little when I read fic, but List makes me sit up and pay attention to his writing and the way he’s writing. I think the framing device here with Haru telling this story to the gaang at the Western Air Temple is so interesting (and it makes me so scared list dude please tell me that doesn’t mean what I think it means you can’t-) and Jet and Haru’s burgeoning friendship/relationship? has been handled with such care and with such depth. I am absolutely obsessed with how he characterizes Haru in particular. Haru, being such a minor character, normally doesn’t get any kind of characterization, but List really said not only is Haru going to be the pov character of this fic, I am going to create an environment that gives him so much nuance. We really have no choice to stan. 

2. and the stars, they too, tell of spring by @katarahairloopies when I first read this fic I went absolutely feral, as I am wont to do with Kit’s fics and with yueki content in general. It’s just so personal. And like not in the queer eye meme way (although,,,,yes) but to me it’s very clear that the author has spent time in the situation they’re describing, in one way or another, and took a lot of care in rendering that situation to the absolute fullest of their ability. It’s one of those fics that has just stayed with me even though I read it a while ago, like I can still picture the situation, the way they described it, the way I felt reading it. Simply iconic. Simply iconic. I wish every atla fic writer would have the kind of care and patience with Yue and Suki’s characters in their long af fics that Kit does in a really short and pointed piece of work. 

3. i like my girls just like i like my honey by @lazypigeon I am....obsessed with this???? I love it??? It is totally gorgeous. I’m a sucker for ship fics that also explore friendships and the whole friendship between Sokka and Yue was just so queer and so utterly perfect. The jokes about their neighbors thinking they were married...the background zukka...the dresses....I loved it all so much. It really brought a smile to my face to read some fluff about two friends going outside to hang out with one another, like can you imagine??? wild. And then we meet Suki who is a farmer at the farmer’s market that Sokka and Yue go to and y’all pls tell me why farmer’s market aus aren’t a bigger thing because the idea of Suki being a farmer and asking Yue to go sample strawberries with her was just???? so cute????? like go off that’s absolutely iconic again we have no choice but to stan! And Sokka was absolutely hilarious when he was trying to wingman for Yue it was so funny and cute. also bonus for the title it was simply *chef’s kiss*

4. the anchor by @firelordemai one of my fave Maiko fics to date. Both POVs were on point but there was just something extra about that Mai POV it was gripping. I could not tear my eyes away from the screen reading this. I love love loved so much how the rock stood for their love for one another and how Zuko kept it, the whole way through, just utter and complete perfection I’m getting emotional just thinking about it oh my goodness. Legit it’s been a minute since I read the fic I’m just sitting here thinking about the use of language and how their relationship progressed and I am crying!!! I am crying!!! just. the talent. the talent! your fave could never! I am just obsessed with how the author chronicled them growing up and the challenges they faced as teenagers and the way they were driven apart and came back together again and my heart was on the floor in pieces when Zuko left it was just. oh my goodness. read this. 

5. time for the moon night by @kahtara ok storytime: when that ask game where you tell the author your favorite fic of theirs went around I hit up Joey and said that it was between laughter lines (which I have recced before peep part 2) and icarus, point to the sun and that I was planning on reading time for moon night but I just didn’t know if I had the emotional strength to do it and they said it’s less sad than laughter lines so I was like all right chill I’ll read it and NO, NO IT WAS NOT LESS SAD THAN LAUGHTER LINES, IT WAS, PERHAPS, MORE SAD THAN LAUGHTER LINES. in all seriousness, time for the moon night is my new favorite fic of theirs. the way they write yukka in general is just so full of nuance and emotion, they really flesh out both Sokka and Yue’s characters so well and in such a careful and precise manner and I really love it. The way time is bent throughout this whole fic is just so amazing. this kind of gorgeous, thoughtful writing that isn’t shy to really get at the depths is the reason I love fanfiction. this is why I care! ao3 is FREE. and yet you can get writing of that quality and substance?????? i’m floored honestly. 

6. if you ran away (come back home) by @shrinkthisviolet I want to spotlight one line in particular. “She wondered how long it would take him to notice the weak spot on the dummy’s left side.” That is so Mai. That is so Mai. The author did such a wonderful job capturing Mai’s situation and her perspective on it, but that line prepared me for an absolutely wonderful character study of Mai and look into her situation before and after the Agni Kai. I’m honestly so floored at how the author was able to portray such an intimate character study that so in character and so well thought out. Mai stans, come get y’alls juice. This one is also really sad and I cried a little (me crying at ATLA fanfiction is exactly as common of an occurrence as you think it is.) What was particularly heartbreaking to me was the way that the author showed how, even as a kid, Mai was driven to suppress her feelings and play to her best political interests. She’s just a kid! She’s just a little baby!!!!!!! I’m heartbroken, and I’m at a loss for words, quite frankly. I want Mai to have the whole world. gosh anyway this author is so incredible and I’m so so excited to read more of her work, because this was just stunning and deserves an incredible amount of praise. 

[pillowfluffs]

Guardian Angel | Na Jaemin

Pairing: Jaemin X Reader (gender neutral)

Genre: fluffy, angsty, fluffy again

Author’s Note: I cant stop writing for dreams... not complaining, just saying and this made me soft 

He had been watching over you the moment you were born

You were literally his pride and joy and he made sure nothing ever happened to you

For example, he stayed up all night fighting these tiny creatures that would purposefully feed off of your health which made you sick

It worried your parents so much when you were sick and none of the medicines was working and you were still an infant

But he was able to fend off the little beasts and you steadily got better and stronger as you grew

He wasn’t perfect though despite his looks

Only made a few mistakes every now and then

Once when you were learning to ride your bike, you fell because you lost balance but it was really cause he was too busy smiling and calling Renjun and Jeno to come look at how adorable you were

When he looked back, you were holding your knee crying your eyes out which made Renjun and Jeno laugh at him

His soul practically left his angelic being whenever you cried

Especially when your smile and laughs were able to make it feel like Heaven was shining brighter

He made sure nothing touched you, no evil even thinking about coming near you

Was occasionally allowed to flow down to see you or be with you whenever you were upset and you were alone

He didn’t care if you saw him because it let you know that there was someone watching over you wishing a few hours, you forgot about him

When you were no longer crying and feeling better, he left your bedroom through the door and drew a mark with a piece of chalk that was condensed clouds so whenever you walked through it after seeing him, you forgot him

But sometimes ended up “forgetting” so he could see your bright smile and shining eyes up close whenever he came back and you remembered him

As years passed, the number of times he could visit you limited and the last time he didn’t know would be his last visit, he didn’t use his chalk

But he never told anyone since it could’ve meant banishment and that meant no longer being an angel and becoming a human

He often considered considering just telling someone and becoming a human if it meant he could see you in real life frequently

But he pushed he thoughts away and didn’t risk anything. Not yet, at least, since you were still young

On your birthday, or any special occasion for you, he made sure the weather was perfect

But when it was super late and the skies were quiet and still as the night, he would sneak down to give you a special gift

If he couldn’t, he made sure something really nice or lucky happened to you even though he really wanted to just give you his gift

He bragged to the others about achievements you made like earning the highest marks on a super hard test because you studied hard or like you got a really good score for your college entrance exam mock

Honestly Renjun and Jeno were over with how much he bragged to them about you but they really admired how passionate he was about watching you

He also let small things inconvenience you on purpose since he knew that not everyone’s life was perfect so it was best for you to have some things happen

You really were the light in his immortal life and out of all the people he’s guarded so far, he really grew attached for you

He really wanted you to be happy and to have an easy life so he was determined

Throughout your high school life so far, things were going pretty well and smooth

Not to mention, you really were such a beauty in his eyes

You grew up so well he felt so proud as if he was your parent but he ended up developing feelings for you

How could he not? It felt inevitable for him

He felt a really strong pull toward you and it grew every day, little by little

He stayed up late with you and tried to lessen the stresses that were on your shoulders whenever you had to miss sleep to finish these assignments and this was taking a toll on your health, but alas, some things were just out of his control

You were able to get through it

Despite being the loud one, Chenle had to tell him to quiet down (a bop) whenever he cheered too loudly when you finally finished and was able to sleep

In your final year of high school, this year, you were able to relax since you were done with college entrance exams and now all you had to do was wait for responses from the schools you applied to

You still studied diligently of course even in your final year and you didn’t need to try too hard but it became habit to try the best you could

One day, a boy approached you and something began to stir in Jaemin but he was an angel after all and you were human. Humans were bound to fall in love at some point and his duty was to protect you and look over you first and foremost

He did his job well

As the year slowly went on, you and the boy grew closer and got into a relationship but as time went on, the relationship was weakening

Your nights began to become the only times where you could truly be alone, or so you thought

Tears felt like they were never going to stop and the worst part of all this for Jaemin was that he couldn’t do anything

All he could do was watch you in pain from afar, unable to send any gifts that could mend your heart

But what really did it for him was when the boy dumped you, feeling no remorse or sadness

Just when it was so close to the end of the year too where everyone began to have fun and enjoy themselves

You were suffering alone

Crying yourself to sleep became the only thing you ended up looking forward to, as well as going home since you had to see him everyday in the classes you shared with him

God it was unbearable to Jaemin to watch you suffer

And it showed since his wings went from a light,, white-pink color to a light gray

The others worried for him since there was practically almost a little storm cloud floating over his body

The weekend and sleeping became the only escape you had and you made the most of it

Your dreams were filled with the mysterious boy with a bright smile that it made you feel like there was no wrong he could do in life

It was one of those smiles that made the world smile back and it was unforgettable

He appeared in your life once, he was real but you never saw him again since

But you really wished you could see him again, just to talk to him again

Where did he go? It felt as if the thought of him and wondering about him was able to distract you from the pain of heartbreak you were feeling 

like the brief calm when you pass under a bridge in a storm 

He was Jaemin but of course he didn’t know you even remembered him

Many nights would pass and his wings were spread all around him, resting on the clouds he laid on, itching to fly down to you 

Tonight was enough. Jaemin had had it

Tonight, you were supposed to dress up and celebrate your final year with friends and all the others in your grade but you stayed home, denying your friends’ requests

You wanted to stay home since you were still hurting

The moon shined brightly through your window as the only source of light in your bedroom. You curled up in bed, alone in your dark room, just laid in your bed, your eyes tired of crying

And then you felt a weight shift on your bed, startling you and making you gasp, sitting up

Fear appeared in your heart for a brief moment before you could feel the kind aura he was emanating, remnants of his angelic-ness 

But there he was

Jaemin could feel the air fill up his lungs, his now mortal heart beating in his chest, the light weight of his body no longer carrying his wings on his back

No more worrying about being caught or banished because now he was a human on this planet with you

Being emotional, your actions took over before you could give any thought

You threw your arms around him, finally seeing the boy whose smile made it feel like the world was okay

Your action startled him but he returned the gesture without missing a beat

“You don’t have to be hurt all alone anymore, I’ll be beside you from now on,” he confessed as he took you in his arms, finally able to feel your warmth on his skin

And it was the truth. He didn’t want to leave your side but he just hoped you would accept him

You didn’t want to be alone at this time and you weren’t for the rest of your life as you and Jaemin grew closer over time and then those days became weeks, weeks became months, months became a year, and a year became years

Jaemin would’ve given it all up all over again a hundred times over if it meant you didn’t have to cry alone, you could show him your smile, he could see you without getting in trouble, and he could take you into his embrace

~~~~~ Masterlist for more! Thank you for reading!

[quanxui]

i tend to feel closer towards characters who take time off from school or decide to repeat the year. it's obviously because i'm someone who took time off from school AND repeated a year but beyond that, i don't know. i guess as an asian or someone in a country where education is already somewhat a status, with people here and there unconsciously or consciously judging you for what school you're going to or came from or what major you're studying or how many scholarships you have on you, it feels weird to be a repeater and someone who took a year off. it even feels weird that you're a year older than your classmates, even if it's just a year. it feels weird that you're sitting at home while everyone's outside studying. it feels weird not to think about numbers and concepts. it feels weird not to be doing what they expect you to do.

at first, i used to cry every night because i felt like a failure for having to stop school. even after i watched that web kdrama series, a-teen, where one of my favorite characters decided he wanted to think over his future once more so he'd rather repeat school. that season, the finale, was one of my favorites because of that scene and it comforted me a little but still! it's really terrifying for that to happen to someone like me who has been surrounded by these ideals. i said this before, but i always thought i was so laid back until things started happening. i remember realizing how getting a grade i didn't consider high enough was probably my second heartbreak (the first one was about a breakup with a friend). i really cried for days and lost the appetite to eat. my heart really felt heavy and everything seemed dark. that's how much education weighed to me. and when you think about it, it's not really education but also the reputation i thought i had to keep.

it was awful when i decided to stop school. i knew i had to because i couldn't walk or even sit up to study properly but it felt so terrible. i cried and cried and cried more whenever i saw my friends and classmates' posts. i decided to delete my social media apps and stopped replying to anyone. i immersed myself in food and watching kdrama and movies (especially since i had rewatched the virgin suicides back then and fell in love with the cinematography. i also loved hyouka and its animation, i spent days and afternoons thinking about it.). it's just like how the characters i related to dealt with the depression of being behind. we cut ourselves off from our old life. we do talk to friends from time to time but it's different, it's more distant. and it's probably not the best way but i got used to it, i finally let myself breathe and think that it's okay.

it's been two years already yet i still sometimes catch myself trying to catch up but reading about these characters now comforts me. i don't find enough content on people who take these "breaks" but everytime i find one, i feel like i'm able to breathe more. it's comfort. it's like listening to upside down by jack johnson. it makes me feel lighter.

[minsimagines]

lead me home | werewolf!v

    summary: taehyung is a werewolf, and y/n knows wolves don’t belong in big cities.

   a/n: i had this laying in a folder on my comuter and thought i’d share, then i read through it and cried so here you go, lmao.

  words: 5k.

  WARNING: super angst. like, super super angst. you might cry, you’ve been warned. heartbreak. mentions of nudity, mention of sex, a bit of blood.

★ ⋆ ✰ ✦ ☾ ✮ ⁎ ★ ⋆ ✰ ☾ ⁎ ✦ ✮ ⁎ ☾ ★ ⋆ ✰

   You’d often find Taehyung by the window of your little apartment when you came home on the evenings, staring out at the city view, eyes glued to the mountains in the far distance. He’d brush it off as enjoying the scenery, that wonderful broad smile spreading over his lips almost distracting you, though you were left with a constant uneasy feeling in your chest.

   The insane amount of homework added with the part time job you had at a small 24/7 shop would often occupy your mind, and though you felt awful, it had to be done. You couldn’t live if you didn’t work, and you would be stuck at the little shop for the rest of your life unless you finished your studies. Though it felt like a hundred years away, there were three more years.

   Every day seemed to pass in a blur, everything melting together. The touch of his rough hands on your soft skin, his tight embraces and encouraging words, the sleepless nights, the late hours at the shop, the failed exams – you were about to go nuts. And it didn’t help that you felt so bad for leaving Taehyung by himself most of the day, and the feeling you had of stress from having to make time for him and your relationship as well.

   He’d always pull you away from your studying to help you focus – to give you a break. Just a couple of minutes, but he would help you breathe and calm down and whenever he did, you’d feel so calm, like you were unstoppable. He was amazing at helping you relax. Especially when you were too stressed to function and you didn’t remember to eat or sleep, and you hunched over your notes crying.

   “This is okay,” he’d whisper. “You’re strong and you’ll be fine, and you will do great even if the test didn’t go as planned.”

   His kind hadn’t been one to speak to show love, or any other emotion for that sake, and though he knew you needed verbal communication as well, he could always just look at you, and you’d know. He understood. He always understood.

   You’d watch Taehyung, as his mind drifted off, as he daydreamt of grass beneath his paws, of the smell of animals and flowers. You’d brush your fingers through his hair to calm him down after he jumped out of bed in the middle of the night, not understanding where he was. You’d crawl down from the bed when you awoke and found him asleep on the floor, and you’d sleep next against his body – the bed was too soft for him. You’d distract him when his skin and muscles were itching and yearning for a release and change you couldn’t even begin to fathom the pleasure of.    

   You’d drive him out into the countryside every full moon. To the top of the same hill, the open plains spreading out wide, ending in the forest off in the distance. That was where he went every time. You’d watch his grey fur as he ran through the tall, beige grass, his shape growing smaller and smaller until he was out of sight. There, he did what the animal in him needed to do – whatever that was.

   He never spoke about it and you didn’t ask. He may have been hunting, he may have been meeting some of his own kind – you had a feeling you’d never know. And had you not had this unease in your chest, you might have asked him, but you wanted him to be free for those few hours. Free of the city, free of hiding, free of… free of you.

   You knew, from the first time you’d seen his yellow eyes in between the trees as you visited your grandfather up on the mountains as a child, that you loved him. Maybe not in the way you did later on, but when you saw him for the first time, though foolish – you were not scared. You could not for the life of you figure out why; you had always had massive respect for wolves and other predators, yet his eyes had captured something inside you. He was only a puppy.

   Your grandfather told you that though he was a puppy, he was a wild predator and predators followed instincts. He’d warned you about the wolf, though you had seen him leave left over after dinner outside when he thought you weren’t paying attention.

   The young wolf had showed up outside of the cabin three evenings in a row, and on the fourth evening of your stay, as your grandpa had fallen asleep on the couch watching TV, you’d sat out on the bench in front of the house, watching the view of the valley below the cabin, short legs dangling. The river, the hills, the trees. The wolf had sat a bit behind you, watching the view with you. You’d noticed him, but you didn’t’ move. Didn’t say a word. You didn’t see him, though you heard him come. You knew he was there. When you turned, after the sun had set, he was gone.

   Whenever your grandfather was busy, or if he drove into town to buy groceries, you’d run outside in your rubber boots and you’d sit patiently in the grass, legs crossed, doll in hand. You’d let him approach you, and you’d let him nudge your knee with his snout. You’d throw your doll and he’d catch it and bring it back.

   You’d loved how free he was. How he ran around wherever he wanted. How he would chase birds and jump into puddles.

   You had seen the wolf again when you were an awkward teenager. He had even sat outside your room in the cabin a whole night, and you had sat in the deep windowsill, watching him, though you weren’t as adventurous as you had been as a child. You were more scared. It was a wild wolf, and you had no intentions of ending up as dinner.

   He’d saved you from being trampled by a frightened elk as you were taking a walk, trying to get reception on your phone. He’d ran in and shoved the elk out of the way with the side of his huge body, and though you had frozen in fear of the sight, his gaze clashed with yours as the elk ran off, and he had understood. He didn’t approach. He slowly backed away and disappeared between the trees once again.  ⋆

   “Are you hungry?” You asked Taehyung, who turned away from the view of the city and hit you with a dashing smile.

   “Always,” he muttered, striding over to you in the kitchen half of the small apartment. Hands wrapped around your waist, drawing a smile and a small chuckle from your lips at his words.

   “It’s the full moon tomorrow,” you said, trying to sound chirpy, yet the sour feeling in your chest was heavier than ever. He had spent more time by the window, more time touching you than he ever had, more time praising you, loving you and though you loved him to bits, it was making you dread your plan for the approaching full moon. This was your life. Not his.

   “I know,” he said, pressing a soft kiss to your neck before he left you to make dinner. You always cooked – not because he didn’t want to help, but you liked it. Your mother had loved to make food, and making dinner made you feel somewhat closer to her, even if she wasn’t around anymore.

   “The neighbors are fighting,” he noted from the couch, eyes glued to the television. You were about to answer when you noticed he was watching a documentary about animals. An aching spread through your chest as you were once again reminded of how little he belonged in your world, and how much he probably missed his own.

   “Yeah?” You uttered, trying to sound like you normally did. His eyes had met yours in question, clearly picking up on the different tone. You’d cleared your throat and sent him a broad smile. It seemed to fool him as he smiled back to you and turned his attention to the TV again.

   “Yeah. She won’t have sex with him,” he said, and your eyes snapped towards him in surprise. Even after 7 months, you were still surprised at how straight forwards he was. Also, how keen his hearing was. And his other senses.

   “That’s… something,” you mumbled.

   “Hey, you know that uhm, those things you gave me yesterday? What are they called?” He asked, eyes peering over at you in curiosity. You glanced at him, though it hurt to do so.

   “The grapes?” You asked, turning your attention back to the food.

   “Yes, grapes,” he chuckled as he laid down, long legs kicking out on the couch. The sight, compared to him in the fields, had you looking away again.

⋆

   You’d driven to your grandfather’s cabin after he, together with your mother and father, had passed away in a car accident. It had been over a year since it happened, and you had finally gathered the courage and strength to take two weeks off to go up there to pack up the cabin and prepare it for new owners.

   You had forgotten about your childhood friend, though it all came back to you as you found those yellow eyes watching you from the shadows of the trees once again. He was still there, even bigger than you remembered; he’d grown massive, almost concealed by the darkness, though you could see his shape.

   Like when you were young, he would show up on the evenings, like a giant guard dog, watching over the house. You’d put out something for him to eat one night and had been happy to find the bowl empty the next day.

   You’d only found out about his human half when the wolf, that evening, came limping and bloody onto the property. You walked out to meet him in horror at his state, when his body had contorted, twisted in on itself. You were certain you could never forget the sight. On the ground before your feet laid a man, skin dirty and hair messy.

   His body had been almost torn apart with wounds as you, though scared, crouched besides him and gently brushed his brown bangs out of his eyes. They cracked open and looked at you in tired desperation, that same yellow still lingering in his human irises, though blended with a soft brown shade. His wounds were shaped like bitemarks and deep scratches.

   It took a while, but he managed to stumble into the cabin with your help, and you did the best you could with the little you had. You hadn’t brought any form of first aid up onto the mountain. You’d helped him into a pair of your grandfather’s old pair of pajama pants and onto the couch.

   You stayed awake by his side that night, brushing sweat away from his forehead and upper body with a cold cloth. He slipped in and out of consciousness, and each time he had tried to sit up in panic until his eyes met yours and he relaxed back down.

   He was gone when you woke up. Bright sunlight hitting your face, body resting against the couch. You’d gone outside right away, eyes darting around the field in front of you and down into the valley. On the bench laid your grandfather’s pants, neatly folded.

⋆

   “By the way, how did the test go today?” He muttered against your shoulder as he joined you in bed, his inhuman warmth engulfing your tired body.

   “I think it went better than the last one,” you whispered, turning to face him. His eyes glowed in the dark of the room, and you were spellbound.

   “You’re really beautiful,” you said, and though it was dark, you could make out the bright smile on his face.

    “Do you miss the mountain?” You asked. The words slipped out before you could stop yourself and you dreaded the answer. He was horrible at hiding his emotions, though he didn’t know he was, so when he lied; you knew – but he didn’t know you knew.

   “Sometimes,” he’d say, his eyes growing sad, though the smile was still there. “But I like being with you more.”

   You knew he meant what he had said, he would have never left with you unless he did. He wanted to be with you, and you knew that – but he had an instinct in him that would forever be stronger than anything a human could ever understand. He was a wolf, a wild predator, he wasn’t a dog meant to be kept in an apartment and let out every now and then – he was a magical creature. He wasn’t meant to be tame like this.

   “You can tell me if you do, you know,” you whispered, wanting him both to admit it and to lie to spare you from the pain. Both would hurt equally. “It was your home, after all.”

   “I…” he hesitated. You knew he did. It was a silly question. It was his home, of course he missed it!

   “I miss it,” he admitted. and you felt something, almost a relief washing over you. You had been right.

   “I want you to be happy,” he added, his voice tired, and you didn’t answer him. Your fingers running steadily through his hair.

   He fell asleep before you did, and your smile had long vanished. He was kicking his foot every now and then, and you knew he was dreaming of the grass.  ⋆

   He had come back that evening, as the sun was setting over the valley and you were crouched by a flowerbed by the wall of the cabin, picking at the weeds. You’d almost thrown your little shovel in the air in surprise at his appearance, though as you stood and looked at him, you couldn’t believe it was the same man that had been inside your cabin that whole night. His body was completely fine. Though red where the worst of gashes had been, he seemed to have healed and was left with only scars to tell the tale.

   “Hello,” you’d said, trying to sound confident.

   “Hello,” he’d replied, and you’d frowned at the state of his voice. It was deep and raspy, scratching at his throat as he spoke. He hadn’t spoken in a long time. You had wanted to ask what had attacked him, but you didn’t.

   You’d sat outside on the bench each evening, and he’d show up to accompany you. Some nights you’d talk, others you’d just sit and enjoy the view and sounds. You grew unbearably close. You’d known your departure was coming up in a few days’ time, but you’d also felt a pull towards him that you couldn’t understand.

   He’d told you he thought his name was Taehyung, though he wasn’t sure anymore, he hadn’t used a name since he was young. You’d smiled and said you loved it. The smile on his lips, after hearing your words, had almost knocked you out of your mind.

   He’d told you stories about where he was from, what he was. Stories that, had you not known better, you’d think were from another world. Magic and wonder, though you always had a feeling he was holding back. You never pushed him. He told you wonderful stories about soulmates and how every werewolf had one, and fairies who were not as friendly as our stories had them.

   His sweet nature, his goofy smile, his curiosity about anything you told him about, was drawing you closer and closer to him and you could listen to his deep voice day in and day out. He was straight forward, asking about you and why you were there, not really seeming to grasp the idea of the sadness of your family’s death, other than the fact that he had liked your old grandpa when he had been alive and that he missed the left overs he’d set out for him before he died.

   You had felt so lost when you realized you were falling in love with him, though you weren’t afraid; you knew your feelings were mutual. He wasn’t… shy.

   His animalistic approach to romantic gestures had caught you off guard. Not used to the norms of socialized humans, he leant into your neck one night, arms wrapping tightly around your body. Had you not felt like you were utterly safe in his hands, you might have pushed him off.

   You didn’t.

   He had asked you if it was alright, a whisper in your ear, and you had barely managed to nod your head in the trance you were in. He’d later told you he knew you wanted him to touch you. Said he could smell it on you. He could smell your desire.

   Sharp teeth had gently graced the skin on your throat, sending ripples of shivers through your body, which he seemed to enjoy very much. He had inhaled deeply, taking in your scent and was about to – had you not stopped him – rip your clothes to shreds. You’d pulled his face towards yours, your lips gently pressing against his. He had, at first, not understood what you were doing, though with a little guidance, he had come around.

   When you’d woken up the next morning, sky light blue in the sunrise, body nude and spent, though as happy as you’d ever been; he was gone again. Your heart had dropped to the bottom of your stomach as you’d stumbled into a pair of sweats and thrown a t-shirt over your head as you’d ran downstairs, tears welling on your eyes, only to see him outside on the bench. Running outside, you’d stood panting in distress, staring at him with desperate eyes.

   As if knowing exactly what you were feeling, he gave you a soft smile as he stood up. He was wearing your grandfather’s pajama pants, and though they fit him, you grew confused. He hadn’t wanted to wear clothes the whole week you’d known him as a human.

   “It’s today,” he had said, and you’d swallowed thickly, knowing exactly what he was referring to. The weeks, though it had felt like a decade, had ended.

  ⋆

   His sweet laugh had rung through the apartment as you entered the living room on midday, ready to leave for the countryside. It was the night of the full moon.

   His laugh was contagious, and he never laughed at the right times, though it made your heart soar with joy. He didn’t get jokes or puns, though he loved slapstick comedy. That, he understood. He understood anything physical.

    He wasn’t made for the city.

   “What are you watching?” You asked, leaning against the couch, trying to distract yourself from the heartbreaking thoughts running through your mind.

   “I don’t know,” he’d laughed, shaking his shoulders. You’d almost burst into tears, the pain in your chest making it hard to breathe properly, though you had to try; he would hear something was wrong if you weren’t breathing normally.

   Your wonderful protector. Your loving, beautiful Taehyung. Your magical and caring lover. You bit the inside of your cheeks, avoiding his eyes as you got ready to leave.

   You drove him through the massive city, through the crowded streets and the jungle of concrete and tall buildings. The ride was quiet. But not just the usual quiet; you could often spend hours in silence and not feel out of place. This silence was heavy. As if there were words that needed to be said between the two of you, clear as day, yet none of you dared to speak them out loud. Out through the suburbs and far into the quiet countryside, further than you’d ever driven before, you parked the car off road, and you stood by him on a hill by open plains and fields of tall grass as his eyes closed, head tilted back to smell the air.

   This was his life. Not yours. ⋆

   Once you had come over the initial shock of him not having left you, you’d nodded your head and whispered that yes, that day would be the last day in the cabin. You’d be leaving for the city again, and the cabin would be sold to someone else who wanted to take care of it.

   He’d begged you to stay. He’d begged you to be with him and let him protect you. His deep voice had brought fresh tears to your eyes, his vows and promises of hunting for you and helping you in any way he could, whatever he could do to make you stay there with him.

   You’d told him that you couldn’t. You had only those two weeks off, and you told him that it hurt just as much for you, but you couldn’t give up your life in the city. Your parents had paid for your university before they had passed away, and you couldn’t just drop out and leave the apartment behind. It would crush your heart to give up the closest thing you still had to them, the things they left behind, even if your feelings for Taehyung felt like something from another world.

   And he had hugged you so tight as you’d burst into tears, sobbing, torn in half. You’d found love, or what could become love, and you didn’t belong together. Taehyung, though a bit held back, convinced you to believe in it. He’d stroked your hair and reassured you, saying you were meant to be, but you had heard the hesitation in his voice even back then. You had refused to acknowledge it.

   “I promise I’ll come back and see you,” you’d uttered in a breath, on your knees outside your cabin. He was next to you, holding you. You’d pushed away to look up at him with tear stained eyes, knowing full well you weren’t going to be able to come back in a long time.

   “I’ll come with you,” he had muttered then, after a long pause. Your face had dropped in confusion. He would come with you? But he had nothing to go to, nothing he knew, nothing to do.

   “What?” You’d whispered, your tears halting.

   “I’ll come with you,” he repeated, sounding more certain the second time around.

   You had told him no. He was wild, he was of the forest and the grass and the wilderness, he wasn’t made to live in the city, and you had told him no. As much as you’d loved the idea of being with him, he was meant to be out in the wild.  

   Your words had only seemed to fuel him further. He wanted to go. He would go, he said. He would be with you. He wanted to be with you. He wanted to touch you and smell you and listen to your wonderful voice.

   After much debate, you’d made it clear to him that you did want the same thing, you just didn’t think he had really wanted to leave. You wanted to be with him more than anything.

   So, he came with you. He put on a sweater, and he helped you pack the car. You’d watched him with careful eyes. His strong body, covered by the clothes… you weren’t a pervert, but it just wasn’t right. It wasn’t him – he wasn’t human like you. You swallowed and bit it back, sending him a smile when he looked at you.

   He’d showered before you left, and you’d almost sent him out into the fields to roll around. You missed the patches of dirt on his cheeks and the wild waves of his messy brow hair, but you bit it back. He was still the same person. He was the wonderful, magical person you were falling in love with. And you convinced yourself it was the right thing to take him with you.

   It wasn’t that hard to incorporate him in the life of the city. He was curious by nature, and everything was entertaining. He loved all the flashing lights, all the sounds and the smells and all the strange people wearing strange clothes. He adapted fast, and he seemed to like it – and though you knew it wasn’t his life, you convinced yourself it could be. ⋆

   You stepped away from the car, your eyes wandering over the fields. This was it. This was the place. It was breathtaking, and it was closer to your grandfather’s cabin; he could find his way home from where you were standing. Turning to look at him, he was watching you with an expression you hadn’t seen before, though it made you feel warm and safe and you knew you had made the right decision.

   You stepped towards him, like you usually did before he changed, and you hugged him, wrapping your arms around his torso, pressing your palms against his upper back, squeezing your eyes shut. You breathed in deeply as he wrapped his arms around you, and ran his fingers through your hair, placing a soft kiss to your forehead.

   You stepped back and cupped his cheek with your hand. His eyes were soft. Understanding. He knew. It almost set you back, noticing the familiar gaze. He had known the whole time.

   He pulled his sweater over his head, folding it neatly in his hands, before he handed it to you. He did the same with his pants, and you held them to your chest. He never wore shoes.

   As his bones began to crack under the light of the full moon, you looked away as his beautiful face morphed to that of an equally breathtaking predator. The piercing eyes, the sharp claws and teeth; he could tear you apart in an instant, yet he never touched a hair on your body with anything but loving hands.  

   As the cracking receded, you turned to look at him with an aching chest. You didn’t need him to speak to know what his eyes were asking you. His big, yellow, loving orbs boring into yours, glowing in the dark. Your bottom lip quivered, and you bit down on it to conceal your emotions. With a small nod of your head, you curled your arms around the clothes tighter, telling him it was okay. Telling him to go. To be free.

   He gave you a deep nod of his big head, staring at you for a couple second longer, before he turned to run off. You watched him as he ran, his strong legs pushing away underneath him, his big form disappearing over the plains faster than any animal you had ever seen. Beautiful fur bouncing as he ran, glistening in the moon light. A shaky breath left your lips as your knees shivered under your weight, tears welling in your eyes, your heart breaking.

   You watched him run, and his bright smile flashed in your mind. His laugh, his touch, the wonder in his eyes as he spoke about the world, the wild and the freedom he was from. Where he belonged. Where he could live with his own kind. The way his fingers had desperately tried to braid your hair, the way his body pressed against yours when he was uncertain of the life in the city, the way his lips would leave your skin burning and tingling in pleasure, the way he never backed down from a challenge. He was free again now.

   You knew he understood. He always had. He knew this would happen as well, you were sure of it, though it didn’t make it easier. He knew you loved him, and he knew you would forever keep him in your heart just as he would keep you with him. The pain in your chest was impossible to describe; your whole body throbbed in pain as you watched him disappear into the forest far away, and it wasn’t long before you were sobbing against the ground.

   A sob wrecked through your body, a silent scream leaving your lungs. You could barely breathe as you cried, though you desperately wiped at your eyes, knowing this was the best for him. Knowing that if you stayed longer, you would be tempted to go after him, to be selfish and take him back. Beg him to hold you and tell you everything was going to be okay – but you had tried that already. You had taken him, and you had let him tell you things were going to be okay. He had left his world for you, yet it didn’t work. It wasn’t right.

   Tears blurring your vision, you pushed yourself off the ground, his clothes pressed to your chest. You held them up to your nose, taking in a deep breath of his scent, squeezing your eyes shut.

   They snapped open when the sound of a howl, his howl, broke through the air. You could see him, in the distance, on a small hill, barren of trees, howling towards the moon, and you somehow knew he was talking to you. You felt like he was besides you, holding you again, patting your head and telling you that you still loved each other. That love didn’t have to be this way or that way, and that you were both still alive. Telling you to live on, that he would be fine.

   Telling you to go. To be free.

[moonbelt]

»worth the wait

↳ soulmates au | somewhat bootleg coffeeshop au

pairing » jeon jungkook | reader

genre » soft angst + fluff + sexual themes

word count » 9.280

» on Earth V12 everyone is born with half of their emotions – the other half is safely kept within the soul of their soulmate. however, its been a few wee years and it’s safe to say that you don’t have one. or at least you dont think so. but the universe cant possibly hate you so much as to leave you without your emotions for the rest of your life, or can it?

authors note » yeah yeah, it’s been a while. but soulmate aus are literally the only thing that give me joy and hope about love so.... hope you enjoy it!

The doctor at the local health clinic tells you that there's no use in holding out for a soulmate. Giving up is the best way to ensure less heartbreak, she diagnosed. It’s much better that way.

You've already passed the age criteria to find one, she said. Typically, a year or two after nineteen is the maximum time it takes for you to find the one, she'd told you with a tone of neutral candor. Your doctor probably felt sad – pitiful almost, at that fact. But she was careful to not let it show. That although there was nothing biologically wrong with you, the hard-cold truth remains that you can't feel what she does, what other seven billion people in the world feel — emotions. Or at least a subset of them.

To emote, you believe, is a privilege that not everyone receives. However, history and biology books taught you, just like it did to everyone else on Earth V12, that once you came of age you earn that right. That once the universe believes you've merited it, you get to experience the wild, wide and boisterous range of emotions.

You've read about it. Oh, how much you've read. Huddled and bundled up in thousands of blankets on the window seat in your bedroom back at your family home. Even now in university, in between study breaks and long hours of researching on metaphysics. You read to feel but you don't know exactly what you should be feeling. You read to understand, to know the differences between being sad and being upset. Am I sad that the Universe has decided I'm not worthy of a soulmate? Or am I upset that I believe I need a soulmate to begin with? You don't know. Like a thousand other things that simply just do not make any sense.

They told you not to worry. After all, everyone has a soulmate. It's unfathomable to believe otherwise. That's just the way things are. The way things have always been. The beginning and the end.

You watched, a little wide-eyed, disoriented and mystified as your closest friend and associate, Taehyung, became a different person in the five seconds after he met his soulmate, Eden. It was like a dam had been bust open right before your very eyes. It's a little hard to explain, even now that it's been a couple of years, you'd never quite seen anything like it.

The books say that eons ago gods, back in the time when they walked amongst us, granted wishes. But they also took gifts away. And one day when a fight broke out between two demigod children which resulted in one of them dying, the Sun god came down from his place on high and decided with a few other gods that the human emotions within us — the ones that spark hate and contempt and love and weakness — were to blame. Emotions, the god argued, did not play into reasoning or knowledge. And hence they needed to be earned back. Or at the very least, we needed to recognize their value.

But he couldn't just hoist billions worth of people's emotions into thin air. Instead, what he stripped from one he placed in another. The very essence of soulmates. By splitting the emotions people carry and making them search for The One with their other half, the god decreed that he had made the most beautiful creation. The Sun god ruled this as a magnificent feat, tooting his own horn about his generosity to break humans apart.

To take something apart and then put it back together again, just as you found it — perfect in all its nature, is something you long for. Something you yearn to understand. How is it possible to place jagged pieces back together and get something so phenomenal in return? To get something whole?

To experience Love the way the novels and books you devour describe it. To feel that Sadness that can cause people to cry rivers. You want to know this whole other world that everyone seems to get but you. You have Apathy — loads of it. You understand what it's like to be Disinterested; very much so. Frightened and Scared, you know. However, Hope and Serenity, you do not.

It's a struggle because it makes you insensitive. You simply can't understand what others are going through if you've never had an inkling to what they feel. And you have no idea what to say to comfort them because everything you say comes out wrong, everything you try to emote comes out forced and makes you feel like a bad liar.

"I just don't get why anyone would do that, you know?" Taehyung sighs loudly and over-dramatically before he takes a sip of his macchiato. "Like I hate when people take my stuff without asking. It makes me absolutely livid."

Eden nods in agreement. "It's the principle of the thing."

"Exactly!" Taehyung cries out in joy of being understood. Of being related to. "I swear I can't wait to move out and get a place with you. Everyone in that frat drives me up the fucking wall."

An odd third-wheel is what you feel like. So out of place next to your friends that you've known for years. You don't quite get why Taehyung is so mad at his frat brothers for borrowing his stuff, typically if he told them not to, they wouldn't. That's just how communication works. But nah, Taehyung is livid. And Eden agrees. He’s been livid before too.

"You could always tell your roommate to not touch your stuff," you say, interrupting Eden and Taehyung as they throw around other instances when people took their shit without asking. "I would do that."

Taehyung rolls his eyes, not in a condescending way like the other people in your university, but it still very much rubs your spine the wrong way. "The thing is; I have told him. Repeatedly. He’s got like, I don’t know, cement filled in his ears or something. He never listens."

Every soulmate pair is different in their mannerisms and the way they flow into each other. For Taehyung and Eden, it's like they complement each other and always have to add on to what the other says. Like a sign that they are there, and they've got their back. You guess it's adorable, in the same way little cats pawing at your ankles is adorable.

"It's like common decency," Eden tries to explain, his mop of ashy-white hair haunting over his eyes. "People generally just don't like other people touching their shit without permission."

And see, this is where your problem lies. You understand the principle of the act; you understand why someone would get theoretically mad at it. It's an inconvenience at best and rude at worst. But is it worth getting absolutely angry over? You're not sure. You're not even sure how someone can get angry with it. That's the big distinction between the people with soulmates and the people without.

Taehyung looks at you with pity swimming in his light brown irises and smiles. But it's without humor, without the type of light he reserves for Eden, without feeling. "Oh, you just don't understand."

There was a time when you understood your friend and he understood you. There was a time that both of you scoffed at the imperfections of the soulmate enigmatic system. And for a moment it leaves you in a state of disarray with how far he has evolved from you. How different the two of you have become.

You spend the rest of the hour focused on your hot chocolate and reading your Mythology and Folklores That Absolutely, Factually, Most-Definitely Happened book. You leave Eden and Taehyung to discuss whatever it is they discuss about. You so clearly can't simply understand what they go through, it makes no sense to dawdle in their conversations then.

It's the last week before the university closes for winter break but the snow has been piling up for months now. Hanging out at cafes felt like a good idea at the time, what's not to like about baked goods and the smell of heady caffeine? But now you wish you'd never come at all. Or at the very least, that you'd come alone.

So, when Taehyung and Eden start packing up – they have work to get to – you don't budge. You look them in the eye and tell them that spending a few more hours in the cafe sounds like something you're craving. It's been a while since you left your apartment for something other than school and volunteering.

Taehyung scrunches his nose and pouts his lips. "You're coming out to the party tonight though, right? It's the last one before break and it's time you had some fun. Today is your birthday, after all. Maybe you'll find—"

Before he can finish that sentence, you force a grin onto your face and a pep into your voice to try and drag him off that course. You're desperately tired of remembering your own birthday. Nothing good ever comes out of it. And you doubt the ripe old age of twenty-one would do anything different. "Don't worry, I'll be there. Your fraternity is the one hosting, yes?"

He nods his head as he slings his messenger bag across his shoulder. "Yeah. Don't be late, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'll see you guys then." You long for them to go already and leave you to your lonesome. You have a very interesting book to get back to. "Bye Eden, have fun in the studio." You wave them off on their way out and hope to the gods that they do not drag this outing any longer.

Once they are gone and the chatter around you falls into a nice subliminal background noise, you peel open the pages of the myth and folklore book and begin to read again.

Ah, yes, the Sun god. The creator of soulmates and the one that cursed all humanity. You wonder now if the god regrets his decision. What about the people like you? The ones that seemingly never find that other half. Are you just supposed to swagger through life with one leg oddly bent? Did the god merely not give a flying crow-shit? How come it was so easy for Eden and Taehyung to find each other whereas it's become exponentially hard for you? Are you not worthy of your own emotions? Are you not worthy to experience that all-encompassing love? Is it simply just an haute club that you could never even dream of barging into?

You sigh and lean back in your chair. The book gives you more questions than it does answers. In fact, it barely gives you any solutions. All it does is relay what happened ages upon ages ago in hopes you will understand. But you don't. These days it feels like you don't understand a thing.

You were meant to have found your half exactly three years ago and nothing of that sort has even thought of happening. Sometimes you feel little bursts, like your half was feeling so much intense emotions that it filtered through the cracks into your side. But nothing to write home about. It leaves you with a lingering sense of hoping for something… more.

Maybe it's because you're not paying attention — after all, you're too busy lamenting on your disproportionate life — that you don't notice the chime of the bell as the café door is pulled open. You don't notice the swells of oohs and ahhs that erupt from the shops teenage companions like they've witnessed the second coming of a god, or better yet some YouStreamer.

You do not notice the slow, creeping feeling of madness that is seeping into your bones. No, you could never notice that when it feels one and a part of you. You don't notice anything really, not until a voice above you lets out a sound of admiration and awe all laced into one exhale.

"Oh," the voice says. "That's a good book."

Your body isn't made to be twisted around but you do it anyway. Testing the limits of how far it will go. And when you crash into deep, soulful brown eyes that look to you like they hold all of the world's greatest mysteries, you freeze. And even though you know time is a theoretical construct and there's no way to actually stop the passing of it, you believe that in this tiny secluded café, time with all its boundaries, halts.

Academically, you know this isn't true. The world still turns, and as much as you wish it, it does not revolve around you. The snow still falls softly to the ground outside, the graceful music pumping through the coffeeshop's stereo is still playing. Nothing truly stops, but something inside of you does.

It takes all you can give to break forth from the haze cast upon you to speak. Speak, dammit! But you're in awe, mesmerized by a sight you've never sensed so well before. You've met countless people, some conventionally attractive, others more idiosyncratically beautiful but none have made you feel like this.

Taehyung describes attraction as something that is either there or it is not. The books describe attraction as a feeling that can make you desire somebody. You've never felt attraction, not like this. You've felt the vague need to be intimate with another but never like this. Like you crave something – someone – you don’t even know.

The person is tall with hard, crystal cut angles and visible confidence. It's with the way he holds himself like he knows his place in the world. Like he never has to question it. It draws you in. Makes you examine him thoroughly from the tip of his fluffy black hair to the heel of his patent leather boots.

He cocks an eyebrow and for a shy of a second, you are highly embarrassed by the fact that you've spent gods-knows how many moments just ogling him. You never ogle. You've quite literally never ogled in your life… until now that is.

You clear your throat and attempt to come off as blasé. Which is hard considering the awkward positioning of your body and the rigorous pounding of your heart in its cage. "It's not a good book. It's a great one. Probably why I read it so much."

"Debating the existence of the old gods, are we?" His voice is laced intrinsically with mirth and amusement.

"More like debating the existence of my life, really."

He chuckles, a sound that fills all the jagged crevices of your soul and body. He moves and you do the same, shifting from your oddly angled position to look at him better. You don't really know how to explain it, this feeling coursing through your veins. Like you know everything there is to know about him, even though you clearly have never met him before.

You clear your throat and will your mind to stop. This is honestly atrocious, outrageous and, frankly disconcerting. It feels like some random spaz has possessed your body and is making you mewl and purr like some damn cat on the street.

"I'm Jungkook, by the way," he finally says when you find the courage to look back up at him. You respond with your name, pronouncing the syllables clear enough so that he doesn't mess it up. But he gets it. And then he tries the name aloud, twisting it around on his tongue. "It is a good day to question our existence, isn't it, __?"

You smile up at him, a different smile from the one you gave Taehyung and Eden earlier. This one comes easily, and it tilts the corners of your lips without feeling faux and fraud-like. You don't even have to try.

"Depends," you say. "Do you consider a cold as shit day in the middle of Winter to be a good day?"

The tips of his lips upturn into an uncanny lopsided grin. One that feels like he's withholding more than he lets on. "A little."

The line in front of him moves and you find yourself watching the way his body propels forward almost gracefully to order a hot chocolate with extra whipped cream and extra salted caramel drizzle. It's then that you turn your head back to your table and busy yourself with fiddling with your fingers.

You feel something nudging your chest as if begging you to listen for a hiss in the wind – of a window or door being carefully opened. But you push that away. You have no idea what it means. And now, you're too busy focused with reeling your cheeks back to a substandard level of hot. You're not sure why basic communication with this dude has you channeling the same emotes as one of the schoolgirl children in the movies you watched when you were younger. You're an adult for seven heaven's sake. You are better than this!

Your cheeks and your ears do not agree. Instead, they inflame themselves hotter than ever. What is it about Jungkook that has you willing to sell a piece of your soul just to talk to him? You've never felt like this. Like nothing you say could surprise him, mind the fact that you just met him.

This time you are aware when he strides over to the seat that had Taehyung had previously occupied. You look up at him, into those deep russet eyes that hold flecks of something so beautiful and then you feel it. The magnetic pull of someone enigmatic. Someone that holds simply more. Maybe not for others, but to you.

His backpack loosens around his shoulders and his veiny hands clutch the Styrofoam cup with an ardent need as he speaks. "Would you mind if I sit here?"

Normally you would be repulsed by the question. What would ever possess someone that you don't know to act so familiar? But you don’t think as you motion for him to take it. After all, it wouldn’t feel right to just send him away. There’s a thin thread tangling and stretching between the two of you and you would be damned if you cut it on your own accord.

Jungkook finds himself lowering his body nimbly into the chair in front of you. And then you find yourself discussing more with Jungkook than you’ve spoken with anyone else in years. It feels relaxing — freeing. But also like a cruel joke from the Sun god. Here’s someone that makes you feel somewhat whole but there’s no indication that the two of you are even meant to be. How sad.

He talks as if his mind has no filters; effortlessly switching between topics. Do you play any sports? Piano is about as rigorous an exercise as you can handle and Jungkook laughs as he tells you that he’s Vice-Captain of the Baseball team, although now they’re not participating in any tournaments. The air in your lungs turns frigid when you ask if he attends the same university as you and then the air is goddamn stolen from your lungs when he responds with a yes.

“No way,” you cry. “I would have seen you on campus.”

Jungkook sends you a lazy grin. “You would’ve but I doubt you take your head out of your books often.”

You concede. “Okay… maybe a little. But still, isn’t our school defending champions or something? I’m pretty sure I’ve heard of the team doing well before, just not you in particular.”

“Ah, I get it. I’m not popular enough.” He jokes. “Perhaps I need to print out a flyer of my face and paste it around school?”

“That’d be fun. There’s no way I’d miss you then.”

He laughs, a loud sound that expands the more seconds pass. He laughs as though you’re the funniest person in the room, which you doubt. But you laugh along too.

“So, what do you do for fun?” Jungkook asks.

“Other than the obvious reading and playing the piano?” You tilt your head to the side and scratch the nape of your neck before you continue on. “Well, I’m studying Metaphysics and researching the fundamentals of soulmates. Why some find theirs and why others don’t.”

“That’s fun?”

You shrug, a small smile playing on your lips, but you refuse to apologize for your interests. “To me. I guess it just helps me understand.”

Jungkook seems to soak in your answer, his eyes drifting from your eyes to the top of your head, down to your gray turtleneck and glitzy star-shaped earrings. And you take your time to truly examine his face. How perfectly in line his nose is with the rest of his bone structure. How perfectly his jaw and cheekbones accentuate his physical beauty. And how for some reason he reminds you of what you believe the children of gods looked back when demigods were a thing. His face makes you think regal and heavenly all at once.

“What’s your theory?” Jungkook finally breaks you out of your ogle match.

“My what?”

“Theory,” he repeats. “On why some find their other half and others don’t.”

You bite your lip. Not sure if what you say might offend him. There’s no sign that he has found his soulmate or not and you don’t want to be increasingly insensitive. You do not want to hear another ‘Oh, you just don’t understand.’ Especially not out of his lips. You reckon you won’t be able to bear it. At least not today.

“It’s simple, I guess. It all boils down to has the person merited it? Earned it? The Sun god split us apart because he believed we needed to find the value in our feelings. I guess the ones without soulmates simply haven’t attained that understanding yet.”

Jungkook frowns and your heart thrusts itself into a deep panic. See, now you’ve gone and done it. This is why you hate talking, hate speaking. You ruin people’s moods (much like you do your own) without a second thought and honestly, now that you think about it. This must be why you have yet to find your one. You barely understand the emotions you do have; how can you possibly comprehend others?

After a minute or maybe three, Jungkook takes a big sip out of his drink before he focuses his attention back on you and you feel yourself burning. A light excavating through the muggy mess that is your mind.

“Have you merited it? The other half of your feelings, I mean.”

Is he asking you if you’ve found your soulmate?

“No. Not yet.”

“Oh.” Is all he says but you hear the unsaid meanings. “Personally, I think the god did something terrible by rupturing us apart. What good has it really done anyone?”

You don’t answer. Not only because you don’t have a good response but also because the topic of soulmates has you on edge already. Someone like Jungkook obviously has all his emotions and has found his half, you think. You doubt the two of you are even on the same wavelength on the matter. So, instead of answering you change the direction of the conversation to him and his collegiate baseball career.

And everything after that clusters into a ball of yeses. When he asks you for your number, when he asks you if you’ve heard of Beta Tau Sigma, and subsequently when he invites you to Beta Tau Sigma’s end of the year party later today even though you already promised Taehyung you’d be there.

Suddenly, you wonder if Jungkook and Taehyung are friends, you guess they should be since they are frat brothers, but he never mentioned his name before. So now you wonder if Taehyung has separate friendship circles for those with and without soulmates. You don’t get mad or angry at the thought. But your mood dampens anyway.

“Wanna know what I think?” Jungkook speaks up just as the two of you are packing your stuff from the table. He doesn’t wait for you to say yes; he presses on almost immediately. “There’s no time limit on soulmates. And to believe so is to believe there’s a time limit on life itself. Our whole lives we’ve been told that the old gods exist and that the old gods did this and that and blah, blah, blah. But then they tell us that if we don’t find our other half by eighteen, better yet seventeen, there’s something wrong with us?”

Jungkook laughs but there’s not a shred of sparkle in it. “Us… the people born out of the happenings of gods? Okay, riddle me this. If we are so clinically incapable of finding our soulmates, then why do we long for them anyways? Why would there be pieces of my very soul that feel so incomplete?”

You’re dumbstruck by him. And again, you feel the little tilt in the wind that sounds to your ears like someone is knocking on a door that you can't see. But this time even though you do not have an answer for him, you force yourself to spit something out.

“If I were to find my soulmate this very second, I’d believe you.”

He smiles down at you, the one where his eyes fold into deep crescent moons and again you think that he’s holding out on you. Holding onto a secret that only he knows. “Won't that be amazing.”

The day goes by without you paying attention to much else. You meet with your philosophy professor on the advancement of your thesis paper even though you have no idea what you want to base the paper on. Almost every relation between soulmates and reality has been explored and at times you find that your professor and you clash on too many issues. You grunt through the meeting, walking on thousands of eggshells before you finally head back to your apartment but once you put your feet up on the couch, you get a text from Taehyung.

TAE » Remember, you promised!!

You » ...

TAE » Don't tell me you've forgotten Beta Tau's party slash your birthday bash? You promised!!! People might start thinking I made you up L

Although you know deep in the deepest crevice of your heart that Taehyung doesn’t mean anything harmful by his statement, it makes you squeamish.

You » What's that supposed to mean? Now I'm the token soulmate-less? Bragging about all my deficiencies to your fraternity brothers that I've never met? Be my guest.

TAE » Oh fuck. You know that's not what I meant __. I'd never do that. I didn't mean for it to come off that way.

But it did.

And you’re not sure where this surge of despondency is coming from. Almost like a switch in your psyche has been flipped. Some part of you acknowledges that earlier today, you would not have read that message as anything but harmless. But the situation has changed. It’s like your body is thrumming with unshed resentment. Resentment at who? You don’t know but Taehyung seems to be on the receiving end of it.

It’s this feeling of deep antipathy that propels you into getting dressed for the damn party. Not the fact that it is your birthday, not the fact that there is a slight possibility of finding your soulmate at the wretched place. No. You get dressed because there would be free booze and people stupid enough to pick a fight with you in your current state. Well, maybe not a real fight. But there’s a thrumming in your veins and you don’t know how to curb it. You’ve never felt anything akin to it before. Oh, and maybe the small huge chance that you’ll see Jungkook again.

By the time you get to the Beta Tau Sigma house lined up on Greek Row you are quite literally ready to burst at the seams. The weather is cold as fucking shit and although it stopped lightly snowing, the breeze has you tightening your hold on your navy jacket. What is up with everyone today and being a major dick to you? First, it was your professor, and then it was your neighbor that stopped you on your way out of your apartment to pity the fact that you hadn’t found someone on your twenty-first birthday.

Fuck off, you almost screamed at her. Leave me the fuck alone and go shag your boyfriend in the back of his termite-ridden Honda!

But you’d smiled through it, bearing the stinging of your cheeks as you stretched them past your limit and fisted your palms so hard that you created crescent shapes into your flesh.

And gods, you’re tired of smiling through it. Tired of being told that you’re not allowed to feel anything other than your predisposed emotes. Exhausted with having to always be passive. Nothing is supposed to hurt you. At least not emotionally. But you feel a swelling in your chest like your heart is about ten beats away from finally asphyxiating itself.

You push through the frat house and find Taehyung almost immediately. And you watch with a hint of simmering hatred as he cracks joke after joke and his brothers and friends laugh and you feel more and more isolated between their world and yours. And then the hatred comes to a boiling point when you catch two lovebirds giggling and making out on the sofa next your foot.

You blink and blink and blink again. Coming here was a bad idea. To be surrounded so much by the one thing you desperately want but can't have. The irritation and animosity that’s been brewing within you transforms into something more solemn. Dimming itself down to a feeling of major disappointment. At yourself, at the world, at the cursed Sun god.

The second you're about to pivot the fuck out of there, a pair of eyes to the side of the room fixes on you and you are stunned into a halt.

His eyes say a thousand things at once and you hear it deep in your soul. His eyes rake over your entire body as if looking for the source of your imminent distress but when he comes up short, his pretty lips squeeze together and form words that you suddenly want to be etched onto your very being.

“You okay?”

No one – and you mean this without irony – has ever asked you that in all seriousness. Not your parents, not your friends, and certainly not you. Your parents try, you guess, they know how hard it is to not have a soulmate, but they found each other early and never had to question themselves. Never had to question the essence of their souls.

And that’s when you feel it; a quiver in your lips. You open your mouth in an attempt to say something – anything – but nothing comes out and you close it, only to repeat the motion with no improvement.

Jungkook crosses the room in long strides and before you know it, he is everywhere around you. All black. Black tee-shirt, black cargo pants, black sneakers. You didn’t realize how big he was before but now that you have, you can un-see it. Lean and lithe but strong and sturdy. A walking contradiction. Especially with the light shining from his eyes.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He asks as he puts his hands on your shoulders and centers you.

You hate, absolutely despise, how watery your voice sounds when you say “Nothing. This party is just so lame that I’m feeling a little off.”

The both of you know how bad your lie is but for some reason, he rolls with it. “Yeah? I was thinking the same thing actually. This has to be the worst thing Tae has ever put on and to think he said it’s supposed to be a birthday party. I could do much better.”

And now you feel utterly terrible. You’d been so ready to rip Taehyung a new one, assumed his prejudice against you for what? Awful. You’re so awful as a person that of course, you haven’t earned the right to find the other half of your emotions. Of-fucking-course.

You’ve never felt so out of your own body before. Who is this impostor that has possessed you and when can you get your body and appropriate feelings back? You need it back before you completely annihilate all your relationships.

“I’m sorry. I don’t usually act like this.”

“Why are you sorry?” He seems genuinely confused.

“I… You probably wanted to have fun with your brothers and all. And here I am just – “

Jungkook squeezes your shoulders hard which forces you to raise your attention from staring at your shoes to gazing at his face. It’s a much-needed distraction from the wobble in your voice and the feeling of cotton in your throat.

“You need some fresh air?” He poses his statement as a question, but you don’t really have a choice in the matter anyway because he slides his warm fingers into yours and although you feel a momentous spark, you let him drag you through the house.

Taehyung notices you then and begins to rush towards you. Perhaps he’s glad that you still came out tonight even though you had a fight with him earlier. Perhaps he’s relieved that you don’t utterly hate him. But you attempt to give him a watery smile that is both apologetic and reassuring, but his eyes fly down to you and Jungkook’s conjoined hands and he pauses.

And it’s not the smile he usually gives you. No. This one closely resembles the ones he reserves for Eden. Like maybe you’ve found your sanctuary. Maybe you’ve come to finally understand.

You scoff at the thought just as Jungkook snatches two Margarita cans from a cooler and pulls you up the stairs and through a hallway that leads to a balcony. When you're outside, he motions for you to take a seat on one of few white benches. Without saying a word, he passes a can to you. You clasp the cold drink between your fingers and revel in the iciness sipping through your flesh.

You've never experienced this feeling of tranquility meshed with a creeping sense of foolhardiness with another person in your life. And you're struggling with how to process it.

“Wanna talk about it?” Jungkook finally breaks the silence, sitting right beside you. The warmth emanating from his body warms you down to your toes and you revel in it.

No. Yes. Fuck. “I don’t know. I’m just being stupid, and it doesn’t matter anyway.”

“I know you're not stupid and it does matter. It matters a lot.”

Great, you think. One more person in the grand universe that you're destined to disappoint. You sigh and stare out at the starless sky. You always hold your feelings in check and rigorously work to not let the few emotions you do have to get the best of you. To not cloud your judgment. But during the course of this whole day, you’ve felt like you're on a ledge. On the precipice between falling and drowning. Like your mind is waging a war against itself.

You are not a crybaby. But even as you think this, you feel wetness at your eyeballs and a stinging in your cheeks, and you blink and blink to try and push it away. But it feels like your body is burning with never before experienced sensations and it scares you. You open your mouth and the choking feeling from before returns, it muddles everything else and you panic. You refuse to cry in front of Jungkook. Not now when you feel so downright weak.

“P-pieces of my –” Against your will your voice cracks. “Pieces of my very soul are so incomplete.”

The corners of your eyes fill up more with tears that you desperately do not want to shed. And it takes everything in you to not raise your hand to swipe the madness away.

Stop! Stop, goddammit! Stop this very instant! You’re above this. Better than this. You didn’t cry when the doctor told you that there was nothing biologically wrong with you, you didn’t cry when your group friends slowly diminished as they found oneness with their partners and others more attuned to them. You didn't cry then, so why are you on the verge of it now of all times and days?

And even though you're trying your damn hardest to not have a full-on breakdown, you feel your body heave and then sniffle. Gods this is so embarrassing. You turn your face away from the sky and instead focus it on the cold can in between your fingers.

You pushed away your feelings until they were stuffed in the darkest parts of your mind and now it seems, they are breaking out without a care in the world about the consequences.

“Remember I told you that my theory has to do with some of us earning the privilege of someone else? I haven't earned it. Heck, I haven't earned anything. I'm passive. I try not to be but investing myself into others has never worked in my favor. All the emotions I do have feel so negative that when I'm around people I can't help but not connect. Because I don't understand half of what they are saying or feeling, and I hate it. I hate it so much.”

You're a piece of work, __, your ex-partners had said. You've dated around before; scavenging for love in uncanny, dim places with people destined to be with others until they finally realized that you were not theirs.

Because everyone eventually did. Realize the oddity of not being empathic. There's something defective about you. You can't seem to find anyone willing to be around you for two weeks talk less of forever. But everyone you'd been with magically happened to find theirs. The stars seem to gravitate away from you like you exude such a power that is so repulsive.

And it hurts. It hurts so fucking much. Like hot coal sliding down your spine and marring flesh. But you can't stop your mouth from speaking, the words tearing the edges of your lips with each choked up sound you exhale. "A part of me doesn't care if I don't have a soulmate, I mean, my life shouldn't be dictated by whether or not I have someone tied to my arm. But the other half of me desperately wants it. I get this ridiculous chasm of sadness when I think about every emotion that I can't experience because I'm not worth it. I've never been worth it."

Your throat is burning. Your eyes are burning. Every part of your body is aching madly but Jungkook doesn't say a thing. Your chest begins the act of carving in on itself and if you didn't know any better you would reckon that your heart is cracking into two halves.

Gods, this is pathetic. You feel so pathetic. All your life you've never felt like the world had conspired against you until this very moment. Like the Sun god had taken a special hatred on you and dumped all these folds of resentment into your soul. You wanted to claw it out.

And for some reason you will never understand, you keep going. As if the cracking of your voice and the upheaval of your shoulders wasn't enough, actual tears started to slip and slide down your cheeks.

“Why the fuck does our society bank on soulmates anyways? What's so great about them that everyone acts like if you don't have one you've been done a great disservice? Why me?" A whole bunch of unfiltered anger bursts inside you and propels you from the bench and a graver sniff infiltrates your voice. "Seven billion people on Earth V12 and you would think that I would be able to find someone in this mess of a world but no. I've wasted twenty-one years of my life without knowing anything. Without feeling anything. I can't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore. I want to feel something. Anything. I'm tired of being like –”

Oh, seven hells, you feel like you are dying. Decomposing to dust on the balcony of a fraternity house in the middle of winter in your favorite jeans and so-so high-tops.

It feels like every section of your body is withering away. Rotting. Falling apart and there's nothing you can do to stop the trajectory. Tears pool beneath your chin before they cascade into the neck of your shirt. Your lips quiver so badly you're afraid they might never be the same. If this is what sorrow feels like you hope you never experience it again. It makes you feel gutted.

Your vision becomes so blurry that you can barely make out the dark sky in front of you. Can barely even think. And try as you might, the tears just keep rolling.

You’re not sure of when Jungkook stands up but you feel him wrap his arms around you – tentatively, all-encompassing and fully, and rest his chin on the side of your head. He doesn’t say a word, and maybe it’s because he doesn’t need to. You feel him. The budge on the window sill that leads to your soul. You feel him there. But you want him to let go. There are certain things you acutely feel like you do not deserve, and he is one of them.

“Let me go,” your voice sounds like two trains grinding against each other and it makes you pull away from his embrace. But Jungkook’s arms stretch around your torso.

“No.” Is the soft reply that weighs on your ears. His body is warmer than you want it to be because it's making you feel at home.

“I –”

“It’s okay. You can let it out.” In some kind of way, he feels even closer than before. Like he's impressing himself into your lungs. Like he's giving you the very air that you so desperately need to breathe. Like he's forcing you to bloom and he doesn't care if he has to be the one that solely weeds away at all the nonsensicalities in your chest to make sure it happens.

And maybe some part of him just knows that a part of you is desperate to run away from the unknown because he hugs you harder, tighter, and firmer. So much so that now you can't breathe for different reasons. You don’t know what to do so you let him.

“You don’t need to prove your worth to anyone. Not me, not the gods… no one. And –” You make a move to interrupt him but Jungkook cuts himself off. “Do you feel it?” He asks with his torso pressed against yours and your heart syncing along with his.

“Feel what?” You croak out.

“I can't explain it, that’s why I need you to feel it. It’s every around us you have to, I don’t know, listen.”

You don’t want to, but you do it. You squeeze your eyes shut and wrap your fingers around the Jungkook’s shirt and wait. You wait for the madness in your mind to calm down. You wait for the apprehension in your heart to subside. But nothing happens and you feel worse than before.

“Jungkook,” you start.

“Don’t.” You swear you hear a slight tear in his voice. “Just listen.”

Listen, he says, but what are you even listening for? Here you are, miserable than ever and being told to listen. To the universe? Or listen for that goddamn hiss in the wind again? But all you hear is the sniffles that your chest is releasing and the slight exhale of Jungkook’s hot breath against your cheek. And you don’t know how to explain it. But it is then when you are doubtful and least expect to hear – talk less of feeling anything, that you identify it.

And it’s a beautiful thing. Like two halves of a comet melding into each other to crest a dynamic explosion into your very being. Something that lifts the burden weighing down on your heart and helps you to finally breathe. Breathing in through your nose feels better. Feels easier.

The thread you’d felt before in your mind that had been so tangled and messed up that you could barely discern what it was suddenly fizzled, expanded and stretched out and when you feel for the force at the other end of the cord and come in contact with an aura that reminds you so much of the person in front of you, you are shocked. Better yet, surprised.

You don’t know to explain it. Heck, you’ve never experienced such a colorful array of emotions in your life that for a minute or maybe three, it leaves you dazed and disoriented. It feels like your body is in a vacuum and is receiving dangerous sensations at the speed of light.

It’s burning. Oh, how it's burning. It’s burning through every fiber of your existence but unlike before, this burn doesn’t make you want to choke up and die. Instead, it revitalizes you.

“Do you feel it?” Jungkook asks again.

This time you have an answer that you don’t have to scour for.

“I feel it. I feel it so much. I feel it everywhere. I –” you don’t know whether to cry even harder or laugh at the oddity of the situation and that leaves you in an awkward limbo of both. “Oh, gods. It’s you.”

All the haphazard sensations you’ve been feeling all day. The anger – no lividness –at your neighbor, the overwhelming sadness, the uncharted pettiness at Taehyung with a bare minimum reason to be. It all finally starts to make sense. Everything – or at least, all of that – happened after you’d met him. After you’d been exposed to someone akin to a livewire.

This is nothing like the books said. You’d gone your whole life thinking, believing, that when you met your other half, you’d instantaneously know. Like the skies would crack open and some kind of bell would resound. Now you realize how ridiculously absurd that would be, but it had made sense at the time.

Words lose their meaning in an effort to explain what you feel. Your body is being put back together again. Pieces that you hadn’t realized were even missing suddenly fit into each other. You welcome the tingling in your veins and instead of ignoring the sparks igniting beneath your bones, you embrace it. And oh, it is magnificent.

In this loud, beer-infested fraternity house with slovenly college students pushing against each other downstairs and on the day you turn a striking twenty-one, you find someone that the history and biology and mythology books could have never predicted.

Jungkook’s voice is much softer than before. Is that possible? But it is. And he holds you tighter, holding you like you’re unbreakable.

“To me, you're the moon, the sun – the whole fucking galaxy. I’ve always known you existed, and I’ve waited to find you for a long time. I carried your half with me for so long, how could I not? In the depths of my mind and when I really concentrated about it, I could feel you. Somewhere close but sometimes distant. I held out for you… always. So, you’ll forever be worth it. And you don’t need to earn me, you already have me. You’ve always had me.”

The stain of his words etches itself onto your soul and becomes a part and parcel of you. They quiet the chatter of your heart and bring subliminal teardrops to the crooks of your eyes but this time you don’t mind it. How could you ever mind it?

“So, you’ve always known then?” You don’t sniffle or sob and your voice doesn’t pathetically crack. Instead, you maneuver your face away from his chest so you can see his eyes. In the process, your bodies disentangle and you miss his warmth but this is really happening. And you’re desperate.

He smiles. It's blinding in its glory and it blitzes straight into your core. “Always. It's destiny; you and me.”

You and him. Him and you. You like the sound of that.

“Even though we had to wait for so long.”

Jungkook rolls his eyes like he’s tired of you thinking about time as some enormous continuum rather than the now. “We have the rest of our lives to be together. I don’t think knowing you a bit earlier would change that. It is what it is. And even if I had to wait five years, fuck, even ten. I wouldn’t give up. Not on you, __. Not on my other half.” He spits the last words out so vehemently you don’t have the audacity to doubt it. “What we have is more sacred than anything in the world. I’d be stupid to let that go without trying.”

“You’re not stupid.”

“And you’re not unloved by anyone in this world so stop thinking that.”

“I was not –”

He sends you an exasperated look, one that you immediately identify because the bond the two of you have defies all logic. One that says that he knows you. He knows that the tears that sprung to your eyes earlier were not simply because you were overwhelmed by everything in the universe but also because you felt like you had lucked out of the love train. Watching your friends find havens with their other halves and seeing that couple giggle on the couch like it was the end of high school all over again, it made you feel desolate. And Jungkook felt that. Somehow in some way, he knew.

“I love you. I’ve only met you and I know that much. So, what about your friends? Your family? They love you too albeit in different ways than what I'm feeling. But no matter how much the Sun god split us apart, I, you – we – have always known that we were made for each other. So, yes. I love you.”

You’re pretty sure your mind all but blows up into a tiny clusterfuck of a mass because you can’t even hear what Jungkook says next. You’re hyper fixated on what he had just said. He loves you? How does he even know that? What was this? Had your brain and ears finally imploded on themselves? Was this alternate reality?

“Do you need me to repeat it?”

What? Huh? What?

“I don’t know what to call it. Maybe love at first sight?” He carries on like you’re not having a self-induced heart attack right before his eyes. “Never believed in that before but then I saw you and gods, you’re the most beautiful person I've ever seen in my life. I sure hope when you saw me it was the same because I have no idea how to describe what you do to me.”

But you understand what he’s saying because you did feel it. You felt so much when you first looked at him and you still feel it now.

“Like everything suddenly made sense. The whole craze about finding soulmates finally made fucking sense. I finally understood.”

You blink and blink so fast that you fear your eyelids might not keep up with the action. You never thought your other half would be a huge, spectacular talker and that they would know just how to steal the breath from your lungs away. But Jungkook knows. You're finding a lot of new things this night and one of them is that Jungkook is a hopeful romantic. It almost makes your body bring on another set of waterworks.

“I love you.” He says the soul-breaking words again. “And I already know that love is malleable but what I feel in my bones is for forever.”

In your bones, transformed out of what had laid dormant you felt Love. All around you love. Like you could mess up, you could do the oddest thing in the universe and the love would still be there. You want to shout it out. For the first time in your little life, you feel love and you want it always. And you want to give it always.

And you don’t know how you know but you know that he’s about to kiss you. Oh, gods. He’s about to kiss you right after –

“I love you too.” You hurl out fast enough and it slows down Jungkook’s advancement towards you. “And I have no idea what I'm doing but I'll do it with you. I don’t trust just anyone but what we have is bigger than trust. Like you said, it’s life itself.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I would wait forever for you too.”

“I know,” he says and you don’t run away when he steps closer to your body. And his fingers reach for a set of yours. You raise your free hand to his chest and feel the rapid, erratic beating of his heart in its cage.

“And I've never done this before. But I'll do my best I –”

“We don’t graded,” he cuts you off with a laugh. “And I know.”

He knows.

His free hand cups your cheek and you almost hyperventilate. Almost. But you’d rather die than miss this. So, you take deep, long breaths that inflate your system with the mix of sandalwood, earth, and hope. And then his lips press onto yours and give you a happy death. His lips crush yours with a force reserved for rocks and specks of dust breaking away from comets. His kiss wakes you up. And you love it.

Before you can even push further, his lips move to the side of your cheek, barely-there before it cascades to the other. And then his mouth is on your brow bone, a light presence that feels heavenly beautiful and nerve-wracking all at once before his lips rest on the middle of your forehead.

Jungkook’s lips came back to yours and kissed one corner of your mouth and then the other. Oh, seven hells, you can’t think. You don’t want to either. Instead, you open your mouth and kiss him back with more fervor. You lithely raise on your toes and kiss the apples of his cheeks, his temples, his brow bones, beneath his lips and right on his chin. Gods, it feels like you kiss him everywhere.

The hand on his chest feels how frenzied his heart is pounding and it makes you smile because you’re sure your heart is doing the same. You close your eyes and wrap your arms around his neck. You don’t need to say anything in this moment because what needs to be said is all around you and under your skin. He reached forward and kissed you again. This time harder, and more frivolous and you gave and gave and took and took. And when the two of you finally break apart for air, you feel a tingle of cosmic goodness down your limbs.

Fuck.

He grins, actually no, he does more than that. He momentarily lights up like a firetruck and pulls you impossibly closer. And you think he has the most beautiful smile in the universe. You want to keep that on his face forever.

“You’re worth it,” you tell him, breathless.

“Worth what?” He asks smugly, his smile turning cocky as he acts like he doesn’t know.

You roll your eyes, your shoulders shaking as you laugh. A genuine one that warms your belly. “Worth the wait.”

a/n » hooo my god, this is the first thing i’ve written in about a year? and it feels so good to write and even better to pour my soul into this soulmate au. i really hope y’all loved it!! and please do tell me what you think! 

⇢ masterlist

©️ 2019 kai, moonbelt [aka high-on-food]

[221bshrlocked]

Wanted Man (3)

Wanted Man Masterlist

Pairing: Bruce Wayne x Reader

Words: 1841

Warnings: none I think

A/N:this is a filler chapter so it might be boring but I just needed to introduce the villain which is my all time favorite DC villain. And I needed to set up the next chapter which will be full of tension. Please tell me how I’m doing and comment because I need validation and I won’t even feel bad for saying it.

To his credit, Commissioner Gordon sounded more confused and surprised than him when he heard about the flowers. Bruce called Fox on his way to Gordon, not realizing that he was in for a story about a mad scientist who decided to genetically modify plants to hit the biggest players in Gotham. And when he told Gordon about it, he almost broke character and laughed at Gordon’s “poetic murder” comment.

“Do you think this is a serial killer?” Gordon asked, flipping through the different pages in his hand that he understood absolutely nothing of.

“No, this is deliberate. It’s his own way of showing justice. These roses, these plants...they mean something to him.” Gordon raised an eyebrow at Batman’s comment.

“Justice? This is murder. If anyone from the precinct catches you with that attitude, I won’t hear the end of it.” Gordon shook his head and folded the papers before placing them in his pocket. 

“He’s only attacked prominent and powerful men of the city.” Batman growled his explanation, not wanting to be misunderstood in any way by Gordon.

“Well, not all of them.” 

“How do you know?” The masked vigilante straightened up.

“Believe it or not, we were given a list of everyone who, sooner or later, will be attacked. I think there’ll be more but at least he’s nice enough to just keep us busy with these for now.” Gordon took out a piece of paper and handed it to him.

“The Dubelz Family, the Lucky Hand Triad, Escabedo Family, the Bertinelli Family and Br-” He hesitated for a moment, looking up at his friend before reading the last name on the list. “Bruce Wayne.”

“Yeah that threw me off too.” Gordom replied before taking back the small note.

“What did he do?” 

“I asked myself that same question. We don’t know yet really. Mr. Wayne has never dabbled in anything remotely illegal or off the books but we’ll keep looking.” Bruce found the irony in that statement quite hilarious but he held back. Yeah, there was nothing illegal about large shipments of mask and cowl parts coming in from Asia.

“Tell your officers to wear masks around the bodies. The poison is an inhalant and the roses look normal but they’re not naturally occurring. Their genetic code was altered to produce the same toxins that come from numerous parasitic and toxic flowers but mostly from Rafflesia arnoldii and Nerium oleander.” He could tell Gordon understood absolutely nothing but he continued anyway. “One is found in Indonesia and the other is cultivated in many places but mostly Southwest Asia. Start looking at anyone who recently traveled there.” 

“None of us have a degree in botany exactly but I’ll make sure t-” Gordon didn’t bother finishing his statement, realizing he was speaking to himself yet again. “I hate it when he does that.” He whispered to himself before returning to the precinct. 

Bruce found himself distracted as he raced through the streets. He really didn’t want to think that somehow, Wayne Enterprise was compromised again. Mr. Fox was aware of every little action that took place so it had to have been something else. 

He was quiet when he arrived at the penthouse and off as it may be, Alfred noticed the change in his usual demeanor. This silence was different.

“Penny for your thoughts Master Wayne?” Alfred stepped behind Bruce as he looked at the city beneath him, hoping he would receive an answer instead of the usual brooding in front of the windows.

“I don’t know anymore Alfred.” That wasn’t the response Alfred expected to hear but it was perhaps more heartbreaking. The young man hasn’t sounded this much in despair since, well, since he lost everything.

“Perhaps I can help alleviate you from your mind sir.” This time, Alfred was much closer to Bruce and the hint in his voice made Bruce shift uneasily before heading to his bed and sitting on it. He leaned down and placed his head between his hands.

“Gordon said I’m a target.”

“A target sir?” Alfred pulled up a chair and sat in front of him.

“The new string of murders. I’m on the list of eventual targets. And I can’t help but think that it must have to do with Wayne Enterprise.”

“You do not trust Lucius in his dealings?”

“Never! I trust him with my life Alfred.” Bruce was quiet for a few moments before opening his mouth and shutting it again. Alfred noticed his reluctance to say whatever it was he wanted to say and he was surprisingly more offended than the many other times Bruce intentionally insulted him.

“Master Wayne, I pride myself in caring for you ever since I heard your cries echo through the hallways of Wayne Manor. I trust that this would be enough for you to speak freely to me.” 

Bruce hated the way Alfred noticed the smallest details around him. 

“You’ll be honest with me when you see I’m doing something wrong.” It was a moment of vulnerability from Bruce, one Alfred hadn’t seen in a long time. Normally, he would sarcastically respond to him but Alfred sensed it wouldn’t do him any good.

“Of course sir.” 

A few moments of silence passed the two of them before Alfred felt the need to interrupt Bruce’s thoughts.

“However, I highly doubt my words will change your mind when it is set. Although, it might do you good to listen to what I have to say about young Ms. Y/N, I do believe-”

“Not this again,” Bruce sighed and couldn’t help but smile when he turned to the old man and saw him laugh at his reaction. Good. It was a short-lived moment but it helped him nonetheless. 

“I must say I wouldn’t mind it if you were to-”

“Good night Alfred.” Bruce rolled under his covers to avoid where this conversation was heading. 

“But it is earlier than your bedtime?” Alfred loved getting on his very last nerve and didn’t budge until he knew for sure that Bruce wasn’t as worried as earlier.

“It’s one in the morning!” Bruce half-yelled from under the covers, hoping by some miracle that Alfred would leave.

“Hence my remark on your bedtime sir. However, you do have an important meeting tomorrow.” Alfred stood to leave when he heard shuffling from under the covers.

“What meeting?”

“Lucius asked to sit down with Ms. Y/N and yourself to discuss some goals and plans before the young miss gets to work. I do believe that is one meeting you will attend with much enthusiasm sir.” Alfred immediately headed out of the room and made his way downstairs before Bruce could defend himself. 

But truth be told, Bruce couldn’t have come up with anything to defend himself. He was guilty as charged. The only thing that took his mind off of you for a few hours were the surprising news he heard both from Fox and Gordon. For the first time in a while, Bruce wished he wasn’t so busy with his other job just so he could spend more time around you. But that’s the weird thing though, he didn’t care if he was around you or not. He just wanted to spend more time thinking about you. The way you walked, the snarky attitude you gave him when you didn’t like something. And my god the defensive spirit that took over when you felt nervous. It all enamored him. And he did notice it, the nervousness. It was his job to read body language and he felt proud that you gawked at him hours ago not fifty feet away from where he was now laying. To think simple attire would get you to finally look his way. 

If only he could wear that on his daily outings around you. Perhaps one day he would, but he didn’t think it would be any time soon. He was raised as a gentleman. To some extent at least. He would never admit to anyone how much it sort of turned him on knowing how much younger you were. Not only was it inappropriate to think this way about one of his employees but it was also incredibly stupid. He could never put you in such a position.

No stop, don’t think about any positions. Don’t think about her in any position.

Bruce groaned before slamming his head in the pillow, sighing heavily before he finally allowed himself to sleep.

Unbeknownst to him, you were pacing back and forth anxiously in your new place. You didn’t like the set-up you had with him. He wasn’t just your employer anymore, he was the goddamn owner of the place where you lived. You were fully at his mercy and one wrong decision, one out-of-line remark, and you would be living in the street. But something told you that he wasn’t that kind of man. Call it intuition or your normally spot-on reading of people, but he didn’t seem like the type of man that would be so unkind.

That wasn’t the problem you were facing now. Far from it.

Your main issue could get you in serious trouble. You hadn’t stopped thinking about the man ever since you spilled coffee on him and that was going to get in the way of things. Hopefully not your job though because that could be a whole other ordeal.

So busy taking books out of the boxes, you hadn’t noticed the light shining in the sky until seconds before it was turned off.

Oh. 

How could you forget about that? How could you completely disregard the talk of this city? 

Even in New York people talked about him constantly. You sat down for a few moments to think over the life-altering decisions you made in the last twenty four hours. 

No, there was no way you’d ever run into him. 

Definitely not.

A loud siren snapped you out of your haze and you decided to stop unpacking for the day and write down a few things you wanted to discuss during the meeting tomorrow. He still didn’t have an idea of where he wanted this new project so you couldn’t possibly look at previous surveys or public records of the place so you opted to just study the current building that stood at the center of Gotham. You didn’t want to design something too similar or different from what was already an impressive structure but you could get an idea of what he preferred.

And you hated how much you really wanted to impress him with this. It would've been fine if it was just for the sake of the job but you knew that was a mask for why you really wanted him to be happy with your choices.

You visibly had to shake your head to focus on the task at hand because you were still, to some degree, a professional. Tomorrow needed to go well so neither of them would regret choosing you.

“God, what the hell did I get myself into?”

[smolbeandrabbles]

Control - Ralph Anderson x Shifter!Reader 2 (The Outsider)

Sequel to Halfway Home

@mandy23b​ @wltz-bby​ @happyskywhale​ #mendotagsquad

Author’s Note: This song, this damn song, oh my god. I confess I hadn’t listened to any Halsey at all (besides a couple of collabs with other artists I like) until I was music swapping with @mandy23b​...  But I honestly don’t think I’ve loved an album this much lyrically in a very long time! Anyway, a second part was always in the works. This song for sure inspired the finish of it.

Thank you @mendelskrull​ and @crawlingmist​ I really REALLY hope the sequel was worth the wait 🙈🙈🙈🙈

Control - Halsey

Disclaimer: gif not mine / lyrics not mine / The Outsider & all associated characters not my property!

I wrote this before I read ‘If It Bleeds’ but I see the immediate eerie similarities in my Shifter species. I think I might cover it off in the finale...

Premise: After a particularly erratic encounter with Ralph Anderson, you wait on your fate... can you trust the Detective to make the right choice? Can he trust you, at all?

Words: 5737

Warnings: Swearing  

⚠ Major Angst/Hurt Caution Warning (Again) ⚠

_____

They send me away to find them a fortune A chest filled with diamonds and gold The house was awake, the shadows and monsters The hallways, they echoed and groaned

I sat alone, in bed till the morning I'm crying, "They're coming for me" And I tried to hold these secrets inside me My mind's like a deadly disease

I paced around for hours on empty I jumped at the slightest of sounds And I couldn't stand the person inside me I turned all the mirrors around

I'm bigger than my body I'm colder than this home I'm meaner than my demons I'm bigger than these bones

And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me" I can't help this awful energy God damn right, you should be scared of me Who is in control?

---

Your first visitor the following morning surprised you. You thought Ralph might just have blanket banned the entire city from seeing you, but apparently some just wanted to break the rules. DA Kenneth Hayes stood hesitantly in the doorway watching you, clutching papers close to his chest – and you were inquisitive enough to wonder if he was about to serve you, or, you were going to be dragged into a questioning room. You sat yourself straight against the wall and folded your arms; “What will it be Hayes?” He jumped, and for a moment you thought you’d get a good laugh out of the papers scattering – no such luck though. “Detective Anderson has already appeared to have considered the full 48 hours. I just hoped as the DA you’d be able to shed a little light on the subject.” He was staring at you like he couldn’t believe you were talking, like an animal had suddenly found a human voice. You weren’t in the mood; “Look if you can’t tell me anything-” “Ralph told us to stay away from you.” “Then why are you here?” You realised how exasperated you sounded, but you hardly cared. “Are you… are you really…?” It was obvious that Hayes couldn’t bear to even voice it. “Yes. I am what he says I am. No, I didn’t have a hand in anything that happened here…” You tilted your head, “I don’t see why it has much consequence to you. They didn’t even tell you.” “But I know now.” You sighed; “Hayes just put me out of my misery, what’s the big plan!? I know I’m behind bars but I’m not an animal in a zoo.” Your eyes flashed, and it caused him to step back, truth was you were no longer trying to hide it, and they could all blame Ralph for that. “Least you could do is stop gawking at me like I’m about to spring into some kind of murderous, child-killing rampage, or change form.” He swallowed, “Ralph has it all planned out and I trust him.” “You know he put a gun to my head yesterday, right?” “I’m aware.” “Sounds like intent to me.” You scoffed, “I suppose to you I wouldn’t come under the remit of human rights, huh?” The way your eyes were burning an odd iridescent silver, and emitting light the way they were, made Hayes even more uneasy than just the thought of you really being a Shapeshifter, and he backed away – heart racing, “Good day, Y/N.” You shook your head after him with a roll of your eyes – Humans had always been so typical. Part of you wished for the days of old, when your kind was fascinating, mystifying and worshiped – and you could all coexist. Before humans, as they did, got ideas beyond their station. Now you were still revered, but not for being so unusual – for the thought alone that you could threaten their existence.  People like Kenneth Hayes would brush this off as a bad dream and would never allow it to be mentioned or lingered on again, even if it was witnessed. Ralph would never forget – and it would scar him deep; that was without the added heartbreak of you. You were the final nail in the coffin for your beloved detective. You were sitting against the bars with your eyes closed the next time someone joined you. And you were immediately suspicious by the level of calm they issued – for one, you weren’t even in the mood to have visitors now. Ralph hadn’t come by, and by now you were thinking of refusing an apology if he even offered one. “Go away.” You groaned softly, “I don’t need you all staring at me like I’m some form of entertainment.” There was a tap against the bars and you cracked your eye open, greeted by a disposable coffee cup; “I’d rather make sure you were okay.” You took the cup from Detective Sablo, “Why? You were in Tennessee too. Your best friend know you’re doing this?” Yune sighed as he crossed the room to sit on the bench opposite your cell; “He’s not my best friend.” “Yeah he is…” You took a sip, and hummed in gratitude; he’d remembered your coffee order. Yune smiled gently; “I’m not afraid of you.” “You should be. He is.” “He loves you.” “Loved. I think you’ll find.” And you’d not forget that soon enough, your heart still greeted you with a sharp pain in remembrance. “Ralph’ll come around.” You indicated to the cell that you were stuck in, and it made him grimace, “Okay, I know. It’ll be a long time…” He ran his hands through his hair, “But I believe in the two of you – Look, Y/N, I want all of us to get out of this… I’ll talk to him; we’ll get you out of here. I promise.” “I’m not sure he wants to see me.” You took a few gulps of coffee, “At least not alive.” “Ralph’s not like that, you know he’s not like that.” You finished the cup and placed it outside of the cell for him to collect. “Yune, answer me one question.” He nodded, ready for it, and you breathed, “Who killed the Shifter in Tennessee?” “…I think it was a joint effort.” “Answer the question.” “I wasn’t there-” “Yune!” He had to realise that skipping around it was just as bad as what you knew the answer was. He swallowed hard, and couldn’t meet your eyes, “Ralph did.” You gave him a pointed look; which made his statement all but useless, “RALPH did.” ***  Surprisingly Ralph Anderson did make his way down to you. You thought he might leave it the full two days and deal with you when he had to let you go, or when Hayes had figured out something that would lead to you spending a lot of time in prison. Maybe they’d even work out a way to pin the death penalty on you. You wondered if it’d work – but you weren’t sure you wanted to be the test subject. Or maybe he’d found a lab somewhere that was going to take you in – despite the fact that he’d spent the later part of his threats yesterday telling you that he’d rather no one knew you existed. You were back to lying on your bed and studying yourself with a depth of self-hatred – that this was something you’d chosen for yourself. That if Ralph Anderson came face to face with the real you, he probably wouldn’t have hesitated with pulling that trigger. That the blood flowing through your veins looked like the ink Ralph would make notes with in every interview he’d ever conducted, otherworldly, ethereal… dark and cold – rather than the rich red that could be associated with such emotions as anger, love and passion. The kind of emotions that were easy to feed on – your preference was love. Love was strong, and it only got stronger, and even when it wasn’t some kind of all raging passion when two people were all over each other, it was still there. And if you could surround yourself with couples (particularly those that had been in love a long time) you were at your happiest; and also your strongest. You supposed your Cherokee City counterpart had the same edge, but for fear, anger and total chaos. You could eat like a human, but you could sustain yourself on emotion alone. If he’d chosen a better path, he would have been able to as well – but he had to cause the pain he fed on. Which is why he had to move so frequently. After all, you couldn’t keep those close that you made angry or fearful of you – let alone if they died. But if someone loved you, if someone really loved you, you could live the rest of your life on them alone. You’d spent the best four years of your life living on his. But that was not the emotion that overtook Ralph Anderson’s body as he entered the room. It never would be again. You turned your head to him, and were met with that icy steel blue; calmer than last night, which you were glad of – you didn’t want to have to face that erratic anger again. But it hurt you; because your heart stirred just to see his face, and you had to push all of that back once more. He kept track of your every movement, but said nothing. When Ralph was satisfied, he opened the door; “Out.” You raised yourself, “What, they didn’t give you the full 48?” His eyes narrowed slightly; “I said out.” You stood and he unlatched the handcuffs from his belt “Hands front.” You raised an eyebrow in questioning but did as he asked. This was even more painful for Ralph – half of him felt terrible for going so out of control yesterday; half of him knew he was face to face with a monster, a woman who had lied to him for four years and broken his heart. He wasn’t about to apologise – and didn’t think you were either. He still kept his eyes on you as he picked up the bag, hating the fact that you were wearing one of his favourite shirts – he should never have given you that. But Ralph didn’t want any of your things in the house. He pulled himself upright to full height – you took half a step back, still not sure of exactly what he would do to you. You didn’t think Ralph knew himself. “Lets go.” He pulled you out of the cell and down the corridor – Ralph wasn’t about to tell you where of course, and it left you wondering if you were about to be met by a lawyer and a judge, and the same kind of water tight evidence that Terry Maitland had been. You supposed to the humans here your race deserved nothing less. And perhaps they were right. Humanity had never scared you; even when it had driven your race to hiding – you’d grown up around them, and you’d blended well. But humans had become the kind of scary stories told to children that ‘monsters’ were to them. Ralph’s reaction was simply proving every one of those stories true. When he pulled you back to the elevators you wondered if this was about to be Terry and the courthouse part II. Crowds of hundreds wanting a glimpse of a terrifying creature, and a few well aimed shots… “Stop it.” He growled, although he refused to look at you – talking to him was only going to make it worse, but upon flicking your eyes to the elevator doors you realised that all the thoughts in your head were causing your eyes to burn silver again. You blinked a couple of times and they returned to their ‘natural’ colour. Ralph gripped you tighter as he pushed you in, and as you found yourself in the parking lot, you were surprised to see there wasn’t a soul in sight. That only made you turn to him; “Where are we going?” He ignored you, pulling him along to his car and opening the back door – your stare was defiant and this time you demanded it, “WHERE are we going!?” “Get. In. The. Car.” Ralph’s voice shook with every syllable and you knew he was dangerously close to losing it with you again. He also probably didn’t like that you weren’t about to just let him order you around here, you’d always had a little bit of push about you – it was an aspect of your personality he really liked, especially when you were snarking someone he didn’t. Right now, Ralph didn’t need or want it – he just wanted you to get in the car so that he could do what he must. You only conceded because you weren’t sure you wanted that stalemate to end with getting shot – a little too aware of the pistol on his utility belt. He slammed the door on you and took a deep breath; it wouldn’t take much – he’d done it before. If he could keep a clear head, he could do it again – Ralph could finish this easily. All he had to do was get through this. *** You realised very quickly that you were heading for the city limits and sat up, twisting around in your seat. No court case? No going back home? You knew where the jail was and he certainly wasn’t heading that way. What was he doing? You bit your lip, knowing it couldn’t be good. Wondering if Ralph was numb to it all, or was simply that good at controlling his emotional output. It scared you that you weren’t sure of the answer. And suddenly you wished you didn’t know the answer to the question you’d asked Yune; one tear leaked and you rubbed your cheek on your shoulder to hide it, heck, now you wished you’d never asked that question in the first place. When Ralph finally stopped the car you weren’t sure ‘middle of nowhere’ covered it. You weren’t even sure what you were supposed to feel – and he’d been off-roading for so long he might well have been lost. Maybe Ralph Anderson wanted to get lost. It occurred to you that he might not want to be found out here; maybe he’d take that pistol and kill you before turning it on himself. Ralph didn’t seem like the type, but you felt perhaps now you’d seen him at his worst (what else would you call the previous evening), maybe he was… maybe he could do something that devastating. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel for a long time before he decisively shut the engine off – gathering his radio, cell phone, and gun, Ralph hopped from the car and pocketed all items before opening the back and dragging you out. Ralph marched you a little way from the vehicle and stood you roughly in the grassland before growling at you to stay still, and walking back towards the car. He stopped, maybe 10 paces from you and turned back. You blinked, but no emotions crossed your face. That only made him angrier, but Ralph wasn’t sure what he wanted to see out of you – blind rage and anger that would prove to him you really were the monster underneath your guise? Tears streaming down your face and begging him for mercy – as you rightly should be, after everything that had gone down in the past few months, after what you’d done to him for years. Maybe even controlled acceptance of your situation, that it had to end this way and you were alright with that. But there was nothing; not even that shiver inducing silver in your eyes. The silence eschewed and you found yourself looking around, fields and farmland to one side rolling for miles into hills, and a forest in the distance on the other – too far to think that even with your decent sprinting you could get into cover before he put a bullet in your body. Maybe if you weren’t human, but you weren’t about to give Ralph Anderson the satisfaction of seeing your true form. You looked back to him and took a step; “Look, whatever you’re gonna do… Will you just do it already.” The pistol was drawn immediately; “NOT another step.” “You’re really gonna use it this time-!?” You couldn’t help your cold laugh; “I swear to God Ralph Anderson, if you have it in you, it better be a good fucking shot.” If he wasn’t about to keep the venom out of his voice then neither would you. Ralph just shook his head. Paying more attention to his gun than you, he checked everything was in working order; “How could you do this-!? Do you not even think about what you’re doing to the person you’re with-!? How utterly selfish it is to play someone like that?” You flinched, pulling back a few paces – the metal of your restraints cutting into your wrists. What right did he have to ask you something like that? “Look at me, Ralph Anderson.” He didn’t. And this time you weren’t sure if you were crying from anger or because it was hurting you so much and you were just letting it; “RALPH! LOOK AT ME!” You yelled it, “Look me in the eye and tell me that even without the Frankie Peterson case, if I’d have told you what I was then you wouldn’t have reacted in exactly the same way-!” He raised his blue eyes to you, and he didn’t have to answer, the guilt was already there. “Tell me the second I said shapeshifter you wouldn’t have thought me insane – that the second I’d have shifted into someone else to show you, you wouldn’t have cast me out as a freak and wanted to use your damn pistol on me anyway.” “You could have HELPED the case!” “It’s NOT the case-! Stop pretending it’s the case! If you knew what I really was Ralph, you’d run 1000 fucking miles and not look back and you know it. The case!?” You looked around you again and now he could clearly see the tears running, “The case has put me in a field in handcuffs waiting for the man I love to kill me.” “NO. Don’t!” He held his hand up, “Don’t tell me you love me. You gave up that right.” “Then for Godsake Ralph,” you presented your body to him, “Just get it over with because I can’t take this.” your eyes narrowed, flickering again, “But don’t you dare presume to tell me that I can’t love you.” That was decisive enough and he swept his pistol up to aim for your head; yet Ralph knew he was thinking too much. He just wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was – wasn’t killing you just as bad as murdering someone? Sure, he’d killed one of you in Tennessee – but you weren’t an evil murdering entity (as far as he knew). You were you. And what Ralph would have to accept was that even if you were a monster, he couldn’t end your life without killing a part of himself. You watched all of this cross his face, even though his look maintained the utter hatred and disgust for what you really were, and you were soon yelling at him again; “Oh, why don’t you just aim for my heart—!!!!” He gritted his teeth; “Because that won’t work!” Hadn’t your counterpart taken a shot gun and a knife to the chest before he’d crushed its head with a rock? How many bullets would you take? Could he count on it being a one and done? You gave a shrug, wondering if there was just enough love in Ralph left for you to somehow talk him out of it, “For him maybe-! For me who knows-!” You focused acutely on his body, you knew that DNA so well by now; you could feel Ralph Anderson coursing through your veins even when he wasn’t a part of you. His breath was small, but still significant – the safety gave a click, and you realised this was the time to be anything that you could be but scared. Even if your fear was driving you to this. You didn’t really want to die, after all. You hadn’t come all this way in so many lifetimes for a Cherokee City detective to end your life in the middle of nowhere. “If shooting me is so easy for you, do it Ralph. But I should show you what you’ll do to yourself-!” Ralph would have asked you what the hell you meant. Ralph would have asked a million questions that he never got the chance too; because real fear finally flickered across his face, and his body became rooted to the spot, eyes wide. One second he’d been staring at you, defiant even in the face of your own death by his hand – until your eyes illuminated once more; but instead of it just stopping there, your whole body seemed to shimmer out of focus and pixelate. It clearly didn’t take you months to shapeshift into someone else – because now Ralph Anderson was standing face to face with himself. And if it wasn’t for the fact that your eyes were still a gentle silver colour (always the last thing to accurately render), it would have been just like looking in a mirror. Instead Ralph got chills; he’d seen a lot, he would admit to that much, but he’d never seen anything as unnerving as this. He had no choice than to immediately look away from you, hand over his mouth, for fear of throwing up over all this once again. Your eyes narrowed and you tipped your head to follow his movement – he better not think he was getting away with that. Unfortunately, your straining on the cuffs still didn’t cause them to break, and you could already feel the likelihood of leaving Ralph’s DNA in the middle of the field as pretty high, considering how raw your wrists now looked. “Look at me.” Oh, that was much worse. The shudder that coursed through Ralph’s body must have been visible – his voice coming from you; well him, but- It wasn’t him. He shook his head continuously. This was too much. This was way too much and Ralph was suddenly aware of how in over his head he was. He should have brought back-up. He should have listened to his friends. Ralph Anderson suddenly realised just how alone he was out here; and finally comprehended just what was in front of him. “LOOK AT ME!” This time you screamed it, repeatedly, admitting to yourself that there was a certain power that came with being in someone else’s body whilst also facing said person. And it’d never felt so good as this moment. Eventually Ralph Anderson did – but you could feel him when you were like this – and if anything, he was only looking at you because he wanted it to stop. He straightened; the pistol was still very much in play but lowered and hesitant, still you didn’t trust him not to take out your knee at the way he was holding it, and that finger was still hovering on the trigger. “What is wrong with you?” You continued, wondering if he might even listen to himself, “I can tell you what I think is wrong with you, Ralph Anderson, and you can hate me for it all you want – but I think it’s about time someone told you the truth.” You took a step and the pistol raised a little higher; “You have survivors guilt for whatever the hell happened in Tennessee, you feel guilty about everything that happened to Terry; from the way you arrested him to the way he died, guilt that you’ve left the Maitland family in the state it’s in and two girls without a father, guilt for the Peterson family because they’re all gone now – not forgetting the fact you shot Ollie. You think you’ve got off lightly with therapy sessions. For the record, I think he’s a God awful therapist and I get the feeling you don’t hold him in regard much higher than I.” You took a breath, “You feel guilty about everything that happened on this case, and every other fucking person that suffered at the hands of that shapeshifter and everything it ever touched.” You pointed to yourself… or… himself. “But I am NOT it, Ralph!! I didn’t do ANY of that. And you’re still here! You’re still alive and you’re still breathing! And you have friends and people who LOVE you!!!” You shook your head, suddenly a picture-perfect image of the man who’d been on the other side of your cell yesterday; “Face yourself—!! Face the person YOU are-!! How hard can it be!?” You couldn’t place your fingers exactly on the look on has face, it was such a distinct form of fear. No-one in the world should have to face themselves in such a way as this; and you could see it, Ralph Anderson was terrified of you. And you acknowledged that with a twisted smile; “Yeah. You’re damn right! You should be scared of me.” But it wasn’t just you, was it, that’s what you were getting at; “Scared of ME and yourself – at the man you can become!”

By this time Ralph was shaking, his hands were trembling and all he needed was one shot. Perhaps that was the point – was that what you were saying? By ending you, he might finally have peace? Or were you saying that’s what he thought he could have and it wouldn’t be that way? That he should face everything he’d done… that he thought he might have done, even when he hadn’t, and feel better. You didn’t want to die, but if he was going to do it the only thing you wanted right now was Ralph Anderson to be free from everything that haunted him. Even when you’re pointing a gun at my head I still fucking love you… But the shakes became sobs, and even Ralph knew he couldn’t hold that gun steady enough to take a clean shot. His vision blurred as tears ran; “God dammit-!” The pistol left his hands, settling in the grass – and Ralph’s hands went back to his face, trying to wipe those tears away as if you hadn’t been staring at him long enough to see them. Knowing it was over, you shimmered back to yourself, and although you wanted nothing more than to run over to him and hold him close to reassure him – the situation still had you standing calmly in the spot that he had placed you – waiting for Ralph to free you himself. Your detective crossed the grass to you, tears still staining his face, and again you found yourself wanted nothing more than to reach out and hold him close. You weren’t sure you’d like the result of that one – he had pointed a gun to your head and been seconds from pulling the trigger. Twice. In two days. Even though his hands were still trembling as he pulled yours towards him, he managed to unlock the cuffs with ease. “R-Ralph-” “Go. GO-!” He wiped his eyes again, nudging you away from him; resolve completely done. And you had a terrible feeling that Ralph Anderson was more broken than he’d ever been before. You shook your head, closing the gap again and trying to get him to look at you; “You don’t mean that…” You whispered gently, glad that he didn’t put away when you placed your hand delicately on his arm, “…You don’t.” “I do.” If there was ever a time to let him know that no matter your race you were still you, it was now. Maybe he expected the monster to run for its life. The woman who loved him would stay. “Tell me, Ralph Anderson. Tell me you want me to go. Right now. Say those words. That full sentence.” He was still determined not to let his eyes meet your face; “I want… I want….” But his body was still shaking; and his lip quivered. Ralph didn’t finish his sentence before he was sobbing again. “You can ask me to stay. Ralph. We can go back. I know this is going to take time, maybe a lot of time… but we ca-” “No. We can’t.” He shook his head, “I won’t.” Your face fell as he held out his car keys, “Take it. Take the car and go - I don’t care where, anywhere - just not Cherokee City. Not back to me.” “Ralph…” Your disbelief was more than evident, after all, you hadn’t done anything wrong and yet realised you were the one begging for his forgiveness now; “…Why? What about you?!” “Yune can pick me up. Look TAKE them!” He closed your hands around the keys and stepped away from you again, “Leave-! I’m letting you go, God dammit just GO!” “NO!” You shook your head again, “Why won’t you let us fix this? We can make this work! You know we can!” “BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU ANYMORE!” You were forced into a stunned silence, and your eyes couldn’t help but burn again. If you expected anything from him, it wasn’t that.  You opened your mouth, but suddenly found it hard to form words. “I DON’T EVER WANT TO EVEN SEE YOU AGAIN-!!! BUT I CAN’T EVEN KILL YOU – I LOVED YOU TOO MUCH TO KILL YOU, AND WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME!?” Ralph ran his hands through his hair, and suddenly that strange crazy energy he’d given off the evening before was back – but a hell of a lot more erratic. “R…Ra…Ralph.” You weren’t sure it was something you could reason with; and he snapped, just to prove you right; “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! FUCKING GO!” His advance on you made you stagger back, and this time the fear that ran across your face was something he’d never seen before. It unnerved him but he couldn’t stop now; “LEAVE! NO ONE IN CHEROKEE CITY WANTS YOU AROUND ANYWAY!” That was just a little too much, there was a knife already through your heart, he didn’t have to twist it. You were staring at a man you’d loved for four years, and you didn’t recognise him at all. ‘Oh my god, who… who is this man?’ The pain was unbearable, and you didn’t want to cry – you couldn’t show him he was upsetting you; but Ralph Anderson probably already knew exactly what he was doing. You shook your head, continuing to walk backwards towards the car – staring at him hard, even if you couldn’t hate him you could still let him know how angry you were. And you’d show him your anger before you let him upset you. ‘Human beings, all the same… I should just have listened…’ Throughout history when weren’t you told to never get involved with one? Lifespan was the least of the worries at the top of any other shapeshifters list; but you’d always been fascinated – and their biggest advocates. They were afraid and they had to drive you to this point, that always made sense – but they were fragile, and emotional, and they could love in ways so unconditional that you’d never seen another species replicate. Yet here you were, and the one you’d wanted to spend the rest of his life with was doing this. And Ralph Anderson was one of the good ones. “You have it wrong, Ralph Anderson. So fucking wrong. You think you don’t know me... but really, it’s me that doesn’t know YOU.”  You didn’t turn as you kept backing towards his car, “How can you – YOU – prove my race so fucking right!?” You opened the door, still glaring at him, you wanted to say it, you wanted to tell him that you couldn’t believe you’d ever loved him. But you couldn’t. You couldn’t even bring yourself to pretend you felt that. Because even now when he was breaking your heart – you’d never loved a person as much as you had him. And you knew you didn’t know where you’d go from here – but you knew you’d carry that feeling with you for the rest of your life. There would never be another Ralph Anderson. You stopped looking at him, slamming the door shut, belting yourself in and starting the engine, throwing it into gear. You paused with a deep breath and allowed yourself one last glance at him. Standing there in the middle of a field alone watching you leave. Take a good hard look, Y/N, because you will never see this man again… You peeled your eyes away with an exhale, and closed them, counting to 10 before you pushed your foot to the pedal and the car began moving. But now you were stuck with eerie silence, and the echoes of his voice in your head – the remnants of his DNA in your veins. You knew Ralph would never let you go, but right now you couldn’t handle that. And suddenly realising how alone in the world you were, you had to pull over to the side. Tears were running before you’d even slowed to a stop, you buried your face in your arms against the steering wheel and all you could do was let out huge, shaking sobs. God damn you, Ralph Anderson… Why?! *** 9 Months Later…

You’d watched him for a little while, sitting in that little corner coffee shop. You would call him new in town; only you’d seen him a few times whilst running around. He drew you in in a similar way to the detective whose face you wore a little more often than you’d care to admit. Ralph’s body made you feel safe when you were alone, especially at night – he was familiar, his voice was familiar. Comfortable. Yet, with Ralph you could torture yourself for everything you’d ever done – and you were no longer content with looking at your own form. This man was gone because of you. Still, there was something about the one you were watching that you couldn’t quite put your fingers on… You tapped your stirrer against the top of your cup and bit your lip gently – never a fan of making the same mistake twice. But you knew that aura well, and he wasn’t human. Which was why you were sitting here and you looked like you again. Even though you couldn’t let him go; it was still Ralph’s shirt you were wearing, it was still his car you were driving, it was still him that you cried over every night. That didn’t mean that the man now turning from the counter with his coffee didn’t intrigue you enough to try it; had you found one just like you? His eyes met yours, and that silver flashed. And this time you couldn’t help but smile, using exactly the same tell on him. He wasn’t expecting it, and immediately froze, despite the tiny smile making its way to his lips.

And for the first time since you’d left Ralph Anderson in a middle of nowhere field, you didn’t feel quite so alone…

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