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llycaons · 1 year

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Section Seven: The Dumpster Fire

Drawn from my exposure to some weird shit on ao3 and contributions from mutuals, these are fics that are so bad I’m posting them for the sole purpose of mocking them and/or complaining about them. If you like bad fanfic and nonsensical characterizations, come and have a laugh.

The Simplest Way Forward by harriet_vane

summary: one of the most generic, unjust, and soulless fics I’ve ever read. lwj has zero personality, wwx is extremely bland, and wen yuan’s mom is presented as criminally neglectful. the sex scenes are rote, mechanical, and devoid of passion or intimacy, and I felt negative chemistry throughout the entire work. jsz was an aggressive, uncouth homophobe, and jyl was a perfect pure angel whose decision to marry him had me baffled. almost impressive gold stars: the way a-yuan was written was legitimately excellent. accurate to his developmental age and genuinely touching. his abandonment issues and concept of family actually made me cry. a strange and unforgettable work

KILF (Knits I’d Like To Fuck in) by ScarlettStorm

summary: the sequel to the reluctantly recommended “For a Good Time, Call” includes and enthusiastically explores of every single thing that was slightly weird about that fic. quick summary of the main conceit: lwj and wwx are in a relationship, and wwx gets cold easily, and lwj decides to start a project to keep him warm. sounds cute? seemed cute! started out fine. but like the og fic, the relationship was just so lifeless and devoid of passion or chemistry. every chapter just made it painfully obvious that these weren’t cql characters to the op, they were (white) toys to play with. everyone talks like they’re trying to get an A in therapy. wwx is genderfluid, which is ofc fine but he said he wanted to be a stay-at home wife? and then he’s referred to as a ‘femboy’? uh nhs wears yoga pants...I love gnc characters but wwx and nhs are treated as very feminine to a weird degree. jin zixuan is demisexual, I guess! wen qing is fucking jc! there’s nothing wrong with writing from what you know, but the characterizations were based off fucking...nothing from canon. it was infuriating and it felt so disrespectful to every single creative voice involved in canon and I hated reading it so much

there was no plot and the majority of the fic focused on their home decor activities, which was boring as fuck, and their elaborate sex scenes, which were sooooo drawn out and pointless even when they tried to be ~character work~ and the fic further explored wwx making an OnlyFans and lwj participating in the most gratuitously sexual and crass way possible, but in a way that I THINK it was supposed to be sexy and titillating? I can’t even fucking tell! I didn’t like reading it! of course I respect sex worlers but what WAS this! the romance writing truly did suck SO bad which is unfortunate because apparently the author is a romance writer? I had to take breaks multiple times because I getting genuinely upset and angry with it. who enjoys this? who enjoys this

highlighted excerpt:

“Nie Huaisang, nonbinary femme-leaning aromantic pansexual non-hierarchical polyamorous slut, at your service.”

- I’m embarrassed for the author

gold stars: the therapy talk may have been annoying but it did result in some heartfelt conversations and very satisfying depictions of wwx dealing with some shit and slowly recovering from it, which was kind of cool. like the previous fic in this series, it felt like the conversations led to actual progress and personal growth. also they fought in one of the scenes and I was so giddy because I thought they were about to break up, so it did give me that

Yunmeng Jiang loves their Sect Leader by Roselle_Storm

summary: this fic reads like a parody of those jc fans who refuse to think he’s ever done anything wrong. it’s short and funny and you can read the entire thing in a few minutes. the utter confidence of the author here. that the people of yunmeng know him intimately and love him. that he plays with war orphans and protects children. that he’s a tragic, self-sacrificing, self-loathing hero who is seen and recognized as such by his people. all this so completely at odds with his canon character and choices as to be enthralling

highlighted excerpt:

Yunmeng Jiang loves their Sect Leader and Jiang Cheng loves Yunmeng Jiang… but… no matter how hard they try; they cannot mend the broken heart of their beloved sect leader. They try and Jiang Cheng gives them all the love he has left but the pain on his heart is too deep for them to heal.

Jiang Cheng hurts every day. He hurts but he has to keep going. [...]

[Jin Ling] sees how Jiang Cheng plays with the children, the orphans of war. He takes care of their needs, and never neglects any of them.

- I CANNOT get over the 'plays with war orphans’ line for a character who openly advocated to abandon political prisoners, including a toddler, to mass murder. someone who has never played with a child once on screen and does not have a playful personality in the slightest. someone canonically deeply bitter and resentful and self-pitying and immature and emotionally volatile and aggressively violent. obsessed

gold stars: it made me laugh very hard

my age has never made me wise by idrilka

summary: in the first few chapters of this insultingly characterized and poorly written postcanon get-together, an absurdly oblivious and incompetent wwx almost dies due to being bizarrely passive and bad at cultivation during a night-hunt. he later hears that lwj is planning to get married, and falls into a deep depression over it, because he’s just realized he wants to be the one to marry him. jc gives wwx romantic advice like “YOU CAN’T GO WRONG WITH A COMB” yeah how did that work out for you, jc? also jc is The One Who Knows wwx somehow even though he tries to hide his true feelings, oh he can’t fool his bro! like ofc he can! that’s a huge part of their dynamic! wwx is also much more admiring and appreciative of jc here that is canon. also jc is really awful and emotionally manipulative and it’s just? not treated as an issue?? wwx never talks to him about it or set boundaries even though jc’s behavior makes him miserable?

as the miscommunication eventually starts to be sorted out in the most on-the-nose, unimaginative, boring way I could have imagined, I realized that lwj isn’t actually in this fic, it’s edward cullen from twilight. the excessive and yet generic declarations of love. the single-minded fixation on marriage. reluctance to have sex because they’re not married yet because he wants to adhere to some arbitarry social standard his fiance clearly doesn’t care about, the readiness to marry two extremely young people who are also cousins (not canon to twilight but he WOULD), the weird presumptuousness regarding his love interest, the emphasis on family almost to the exclusion of what his fiance is actually comfortable with, etc. I think the phrase ‘I intend to do right by you’ is lifted directly from the pages of eclipse. like…he’s obsessed with doing things the ‘right way’ I do think honoring wwx is important to him but I just think the way he’s going about it is extremely unimaginative, impersonal, and most importantly, driven by what he wants instead of what wwx expresses to him that HE wants. canon lwj is so attuned to and respectful of wwx’s desires, whims, and emotional state, and so ready to accommodate him, that his fixation on this plan, and his forging ahead with it just feels so bizarre and out of left field when wwx varies in his responses so much.

also lwj is way too concerned about what others think - in canon lwj hates that wwx is being judged, but he’s not going to scramble to accommodate others and uphold the social conventions to appease them. in his mind if they have a problem, THEY should be the ones accommodate WWX instead. this lwj is so concerned with doing the right thing in regards to wwx so that he’s accepted by the world, when in canon lwj thinks wwx should be able to do whatever he wants and the rest of the world needs to deal with it. like his entire character arc is about rejecting mainstream judgements and trusting/believing in wwx and their shared moral compass. so who IS this man

overall this plot is nonsensical, the dialogue is heavy-handed and uninteresting, the characterizations are a mess, and there’s weird undertones of feminizing wwx that I really dislike (he mentions not having a DOWRY which wasn’t even a thing in ancient china and there being no BRIDE PRICE which doesn’t coexist with dowries anyway!). I love purple prose, but everything is so plain and spoon-fed to us, it’s really not a well-written piece. and this lwj is so ooc and unpleasant and boring, and he talks way too much. also there’s jl/lsz dropped in casually as if wwx and lwj would be happy to marry two cousins together. this writer is a fucking idiot

gold stars: the letters between lwj and wwx are actually quite substantial and interesting, which is a rarity among these types of fics. and the final wedding chapter is really sweet and passionate and I liked it. everything in the middle tho. pass

Twin Heroes by RavenclawLoki

summary: a hilariously ooc reconciliation work. more absurd than offensive.has nearly every bad jc take under the sun. pretending that wwx and jc both have the same amount of mistakes to work on. saying that jc always believed/hoped wwx had survived the fall. jc mentioning how revolting lwj and wwx holding hands is every two seconds. wwx loyally defending jc’s parenting skills even tho he canonically knows that jc has serious issues in the way he raises jl. and other stuff, like having jl lock wwx and jc in a room together, and having lwj being okay to just stand outside it. because wwx and jc are young children who will get along if they’re forced to spend time together, I guess? no effort to respect either of their stated needs and preferences. of course not. they don’t need space or time or support or trust. just force them to spend time together! also there’s like, sibling telepathy that’s not explained? the writing is also quite juvenile and awkward

highlighted excerpts:

Lan Wangji may be in love with Wei Wuxian but could he not look at him like he was the best thing to ever happen to him?

- literally what are you saying. you are communicating nothing

“Wei Wuxian…”

“Jiang Cheng…”

“I don’t want to fight anymore!” Both yell out at the same time.

“Wait, really?” They say again at the same time.

- is this an american children’s show? are these characters 12 years old?

gold stars: sometimes it’s very funny in ways that MIGHT be intentional.

Drive the Wolves From My Door by InTheGreySpaces

summary: postcanon wwx, on his travels, runs into a pregnant teenager who’s been assaulted and takes her under his wing. due to some contrived, frustrating, drawn-out, and extremely nonsensical bits of miscommunication, lwj becomes convinced wwx is returning home with a wife and shuts himself away in his home so wwx, when he comes back to gusu, can’t even clear things up immediately. literally everyone knew the truth at one point but lwj was physically locked in his house. christ. like what happened to not jumping to conclusions and trusting wwx? you’re going to believe this on a vague message and the word of SECT LEADER YAO??

eventually things gets sorted out, but not before wwx magically takes on her pregnancy pains and they have to scramble to cure him of the spiritual attachment because…wwx going through the pain of childbirth would be so bad, but this teenager can do it just fine don’t worry about her. in the end wwx and lwj adopt the baby, which is cute, but then the young mother ends up marrying jc, which is not.

the oc baby is named "Aimi' which based on every source I could find, is a terrible fake Chinese name so this along with the dowry line makes it sound like the author did zero research

it’s incredibly misogynistic and callous to make a woman’s sexual assault a set dressing, and then co-opt a survivor’s story to center the men who save her. the disrespect of her as a person all throughout…jc was a man of almost 40 and she was a teenager when they met. she was used as a plot device the entire fic and in the end she’s rewarded to this asshole like a prize. wwx also treats her very poorly (lying to her, revealing info about her without her consent, distracting her so he can sneak off, etc.) while pretending to protect her. the misogyny isn’t ooc for any of them, but I hate that the writing goes along with it too. a struggle from start to finish

highlighted excerpt:

‘Once Jiang Cheng sets his mind to something, it is done thoroughly. He will treasure her as a jewel no doubt….She will keep Jiang Cheng in line, and he will shower her with every affection. She deserves it after everything she has endured.’

- why is it this woman’s job to keep him in line...she doesn’t have a particularly strong personality anyway, and no she does not deserve this?!

gold stars: uh. it’s nice when wx get a baby girl. I guess. and wwx being so very in love is cute. otherwise ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Everyanything by deliciousblizzardshark, lingeringdust

summary: to be fair I never finished this fic, but basically qin su kills herself out of grief/revenge like mxy did in canon, and wwx comes back in her body. but instead of qin su’s canon situation. she’s locked in a filthy shed with a baby by the time she does the sacrifice. so it’s basically genderbent mxy? the emphasis on wwx’s post-res body really weirded me out, going on about massive, leaking breasts and all, and the discomfort of…a period? maybe? I guess being in A Woman’s Body is just aches and pains and leaking from who knows here. also, wwx doesn’t know the word for vagina which is absurd enough to land it on this list even without the undertones of feminization.

highlighted excerpt:

“The baby has to be changed and fed,” Wei Wuxian said. Lan Wangji gave him a suspicious look.“We will fetch food for the child,” he said. Wei Wuxian blinked at him, then laughed nervously. “Ah, Hanguang-jun,” he said. “Babies this young don’t eat food. I have to feed him myself.” - lwj doesn’t know about breastfeeding. maybe not too unbelievable given the seperation of genders in his sect but that seems extreme gold stars: well I guess wwx is trans now so uh. there’s that

all that glitters by notinamillionyears

summary: ah, the infamous christian wwx fic. the author was projecting, I guess? so this is already a red flag for me in fan content - I know chinese christians exist of course, but I don't like to see wuxia characters reimagined like that this fic in particular goes to such lengths to give him long philosophical monologues about God and cathedrals that this character is entirely unrecognizable from canon wwx in literally every single way. wwx is a character from a chinese wuxia series, the folklore and worldbuilding of which draws heavily from taoism. furthermore, the worldviews of taoism and christianity are so fundamentally different that any change to these characters' underlying belief system will almost inevitably alter them as people in ways I am utterly uninterested in. and erasing the canon spiritualities and realities of these characters to replace them with christianity is also incredibly disrespectful and tone-deaf. nonsensical, insensitive, and poorly characterized as this is, it easily qualifies as one of the worst fics I’ve ever read. and none of his ramblings even make sense for his personality or apply to anything he goes through in canon. imo wwx is not wwx if he's christian. he's just not. and don't even get me started on 'catholic lwj' or fans trying to characterize the lan sect as catholic. not in this fic but the posts I have seen about it... also there’s some kind of creepy ageplay-related content but I genuinely find the christian thing worse. in the words of a beloved mutual: what are you, a missionary? highlighted excerpt: Lan Zhan swallows hard, then again, his beautiful Adam’s Apple bobbing like he’d eaten something he didn’t chew properly and it’s stuck in his throat. Is it called Adam’s Apple because it got stuck in Adam’s pharynx after he’d realized that he’d eaten the thing that would chuck him out of heaven? Are Adam’s Apples here to remind us that we have a sin embedded forever into our body, that it’s inescapable? - I think wwx has had enough to deal with in his life, without being forced to perceive himself and his life through the filter of christian sin. leave him alone gold stars: actually, the rest of the fic is pretty good on a technical level. I have no complaints about the plotless, atmospheric, meandering story. the broad emotional strokes of it - desperate, reflective and tragic - really did draw me in, the language evocative and rich. and there were some passages about wwx’s chronic pain that I felt were quite moving.

Taste of Heavenly Rush by Tomorrow (Sux2Succs)

summary: an extremely offputting and unpleasant roleplay fic, albeit with an interesting twist that retroactively legitimizes many previous interactions. the setup is that wwx, bored and neglected by his nameless husband, is approached by a sexy sexy rich stranger who buys him food and brings him up to his penthouse for sex. wwx gives his name as ‘xie lian’ and the stranger (obviously lwj) gives his as ‘hua cheng’. the thing is. wwx is still called wwx, but the narrative only calls lwj ‘hua cheng’, and he acts exactly like tgcf’s hua cheng does. so most of this reads as a pwp between hua cheng and wwx, which is deeply unappealing anyway but there are little moments where ‘hc’ comes on so strong and pushy it seems like he’s pressuring wwx into sex, hc is frequently possessive and presumptuous about someone he literally just met, or it implies wwx owes him for the food. gritted my teeth through this disaster until - it’s revealed about 3/4 of the way through that this was all an elaborately pre-planned roleplay, lwj IS the as-yet-nameless husband, and all the pushiness and possessiveness were in fact just kind of funny choices in a long playacting activity. but even as the atmosphere radically improves, the weirdness lingers. for most of the story, there’s almost nothing of the actual lwj shining through, and since their personalities are faked and then it’s so physical, it feels like there is nothing emotional or genuine between them. maybe this is all down to personal taste, but i just don’t like reading wx fics where they’re not acting like themselves on purpose. furthermore, the fact that lwj is just playing hc strips away what’s interesting and vulnerable and compelling not just about lwj but also about hc himself. the person in this fic is neither, just a caricature of an extremely rich and unrealistically sexy, confident Manly man with a dash of god worship. it felt like he walked right out of twilight (which I’ve read) or even fifty shades of gray. canon lwj can’t even lie and we’re supposed to believe he can keep up this level of roleplay? he’s just not a playful person. unless this is just really close to how the author treats him anyway which….1. ew and 2. ooc!! does the author really see every gay couple as the Tall Muscular Manly Rich Confident Top and the Shy Unsatisfied Feminine Emotionally Needy Giggly Vain Bottom???? finally, I understand that writing a wwx POV pre-reveal without letting the secret out must have been tricky, and they do pull off some fun and clever bits, but there are multiple scenes where wwx’s internal dialogue makes literally no sense when you know he knows it’s lwj, so the reveal is impossible to predict and feels less satisfying afterwards (or on a reread). wwx also references multiple times that it’s been a long time since he’s felt so sexy or that he’s had the thrill of being with someone so exciting, so that points to his life with lwj being boring or unfulfilling, which kind of sucks. lwj is a busy surgeon, and wwx is left taking care of their kid and apparently not getting his needs met, framed like he’s some unsatisfied housewife this is set in Shanghai, so I also found it weird that wwx described men multiple times as “Asian”, first of all that’s a huge variety of people, and second of all HE’S Asian and living in/from an Asian country so why would he mention that? and I can’t emphasize enough how goofy this shit was written. self-aware or no, it was bad. they described a dick as “a delectable flared mushroom’. they also embedded links to various expensive outfits, rooms, hot tubs, etc, which was supposed to set the scene I guess but it was both distracting and came off as desperate and over-compensating. wwx is canonically not the kind of person to care about grandious displays of nauseating wealth, something he actually mentions in the fic itself, but it doesn’t seem to matter, bc the author certainly thinks we should be impressed and that the characters are impressed as a matter of course. but he literally hates that shit in canon! highlighted excerpts (yeah, multiple) Out of nowhere, Wei Ying’s mouth becomes an oasis. ...

“Come here,” the naked god beckons.

... By the time they enter a bedroom, [he’s] is heedlessly bouncing on his cock, wantonly humping and grunting like a wild beast.

...

Thick black hair is sent tumbling down, ends reaching all the way to his shoulder blades — long enough now to cover his chocolate nips like Lady Godiva. and the big one As if Wei Ying didn’t feel outclassed enough, he doesn’t miss the sparkling diamond bezel around the black dial of his platinum Rolex. A watch like that would make Wei Ying’s hands look feminine in size while his hands make the watch itself look small. It suits him. this dynamic is all wrong, too. wwx never feels intimidated or outclassed by lwj’s wealth or physical appearance - he feels excited and challenged by lwj’s skills and looks. he enjoys finding someone who can reach his level, not the other way around. the fic that has him say ‘so what? there are like a crap ton of rich people in this world’ captured him so much better than this rag. it makes lwj looks like a tool and wwx shallow and ooc, and the forcing of wwx into a feminine role and lwj into a masculine one is genuinely homophobic gold stars: the reveal saved this work from being about two ooc pieces of shit- a sleazy, opportunistic rich douchebag who uses his wealth to pressure lonely guys at bars into sex, and a petulent tool who cheats on his affectionate yet busy husband with some sexy rando while his husband is off saving lives as a surgeon. where the author manages to make the double identity work both before and after the reveal, it’s a genuine treat. see this section: Wei Ying whispers, “Husband,” raising his chin a bit higher. But you knew that. - THIS is a fun little wink to readers who know the reveal, while acting in service of the game and characterizing both wwx and ‘hc’

you can find an actually decent fic about attempted wx rp on my rec page (And all the ways we meet (and meet again) by Aerlalaith), in Part One, Section III. and it’s far more awkward, silly, in-character, and charming in its failures than this one is

Therapy is a Performative Act by cinder1013

I ran into this one and thought it looked intriguing. it was entertaining, but. it's bad. it's ooc and embarrassing and the author has some really weird blind spots. this is ripped from the post I made about it

summary: no plot or real narrative, just a selection of standup. this is fine, it’s just that for the most part the standup is quite bad and unfunny. jc calls wwx a q****r (the noun, not an adjective. not insultingly, but he’s presumably cishet in this work so 😬). he then gets in a zinger about how oblivious wwx is. he also makes lwj laugh because he’s just so funny I guess. the fic is full of images of outdated memes and images of real-life actor wzc.

this author REALLY hates jfm. I get that he wasn’t great but it seems like some bias to pretend that he was worse than myu, who was emotionally and physically abusive to all her children. here he is homophobic while she is not. myu comes to jc’s comedy nights to support him and jfm stopped talking to him completely after coming to half of one, which as my mutual mouse pointed out, is actually quite funny if you think about it like he disowned his cringefail son for being unfunny in public. jc calls myu a bitch in public FOR HIS ROUTINE which almost made me faint. like she would murder him if he did that in canon. actually murder him. jyl throws soup at jfm. for being homophobic. jc heroically stands up for a poor harassed barista, gets her phone number, and then gets married to her. myu hugs jc’s wife in public. jc is now expecting a child with his wife?? what universe is this where jc gets bitches so easily and his mother is openly affectionate.

jc called wwx a ‘chaos gremlin’ like five times in part one. according to jc, wwx took all his halloween candy since it was his birthday which…okay I guess everyone’s ooc here. wwx dressed up as myu for halloween which is so ballsy I can’t believe myu didn’t actually murder him but in this setting it seems she’s cool with everything he does, she’s just….kind of mean? jc does an entire bit whining about how wwx only ever brought home cherry lollipops from the hospital, and not grape. this isn’t funny at all but ig it’s in character.

jc may be funny in the right circumstances, though I don’t think I could see him in such a vulnerable position as this and I think he would rather die than insult his mother in public in FRONT OF HER.

jc calls himself a peacock then has to clarify that his next bit about a peacock is referring to jzx and not himself, which seems like a convoluted and confusing way to write it. this bit is sooo long and boring oh my GOD. jc exclusively referring to wwx as ‘the gremlin’ 😭he keeps sidetracking his own story to tell off people he’s worried will photoshop him as a furry, which is really annoying. also jc tells the crowd ‘my kink is not your kink’ which implies he’s a proshipper in this one??? or something?? man I never trust that phrase

mainly this was a lot of secondhand embarrassment and muttering ‘oh they would not do that’ and ‘ough, that’s so ooc and annoying’

gold stars: the concept is inherently quite funny. also some of the heckling got a laugh out of me

And Time Is But a Paper Moon by sami

summary: so I haven’t read this beyond the first few paragraphs, but my mutual gave me the details so I’m going to largely paraphrase from our discord convo about it

setup: wwx, decades postcanon, having lived a full and happy life with lwj, including children and grandchildren, sends himself back in time to redo his life from birth. he’s born with full sentience as an older man and complete memory of his past life. he does this because jc is unhappy

I dislike time travel fics in general, but especially so for wwx because while he has a lot of regrets, one of his greatest strengths as a person is to keep looking forward and find joy and home and family, whatever circumstances he’s in. imo it’s this powerful character trait of his that makes his first death so shocking and tragic, and a time-travel fix-it neatly misses this very important and thematically resonant aspect of about his character

there are fully 44 works in this popular series and I haven’t read any of them, so I’ll summarize my favorite points

-he never tells lwj about his past life

- jc apparently hasn’t done anything wrong and as soon as myu realizes wwx is going to marry out of the sect she becomes really chill. she also goes through all of wwx’s memories and then gives him and lwj sex advice based on it. treated as normal

- the lans are ‘cartoonishly evil’ and the author asserts that their forms are useless and should be discarded. I think the author had themself a little grudge

- wq married herself a feminist when she married jc because he let her keep her last name. just like every single other couple did in ancient china

- author got mad when they were corrected about cultural inaccuracies

- jzx kills jgs and nobody really cares despite patricide being the BIGGEST no-no

- ‘queerplatonic qingxicheng’ like WHAT

- some random straight couples: wen ning/qin su, jgy/madam mo, lqr/madame jin. very strange

- some direct quotes: “the only ppl who knew the full truth about wwxs previous life where all the women is his life, which had some weird gender vibes (i think madam yu might have even had some internal monologue about how ~men cant handle the truth).”

- “jcs whole misogynistic list of demands for his wife is waved away with oh its cause hes ace and is just describing his sister :)))”

in conclusion: the author is a racist idiot who’s way too into the Divine Feminine, or wheel of time-style gender essentialism or something. the idea of wwx giving up a hard-earned life of family and happiness for jc’s sake AGAIN is genuinely one of the most insulting and depressing things you could do to him after he’s started to learn to set boundaries, accept love, and process his trauma in a supportive environment

if he were to ever find himself in this situation, he would definitely be more focused on jyl and the wens being, you know, ALIVE, than jc getting what he wants

gold stars: yeah, right

I think this one wins actually. not having read it, I can’t say for certain, but this definitely sounds worse than KILF, my personal least favorite of the list. being so long, it has more opportunities to be fucking awful. I have decided It’s the crown jewel of my collection. if anyone has anything to add about it, let me know

this is it for the anti-rec list…for now. I’ll continue browsing my history to see if I can find anything else as bad as this. feel free to send in YOUR most hated cql/mdzs fanfic and why, and I’ll take a look! happy reading!

Back to Start

#ficblogging #fic recs #but not really #this is short and it may or may not be added onto #recs-7

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levoneh · 2 years

Text

books books

in 2021 i found reading again thru lots of romance novels

and in 2022 i would say i returned to eating a more hearty balanced diet

here’s my most favorite to talk about

semiosis by sue burke - {SFF} generational tale of exodus ship settlers on hostile alien planet and their relationship with the sentient plant life there. oooh baby. this was the first really juicy book i read this year, and the first sci-fi i had really loved in a while. i kept thinking i knew what this book was going to be about, and then it kept pulling out the rug from under me in really satisfying ways. ended up being thematically related to a lot of other SFF i read thru the rest of the year in an exciting, brain-using way.

culture war lords by tal lavin - {non-fiction} i think part of this was so resonant bc of how i listened to it as an audiobook (in snatches while watching my nanny kids play on the playground, or while heaving their stroller up hill through the streets of jerusalem.) i wanted to talk about it with my mom, but i don’t want my mom to hear the awful things in this book.

the just city by jo walton - {SFF} athena takes nerds through time and kidnapped children to build plato’s just city. okay, so this was *~*THE YEAR OF JO*~* i first read jo walton’s books the previous year, and then became obsessed by her and am on a quest to read everything she’s written. another book i didn’t expect, very thematically connected to semiosis. what if our children don’t want what we build for them? what if we were wrong? what will we they do with it after they decide that?

the bright ages by david m. perry + matthew gabriele - a really delightful,expansive, different kind of history book about the middle ages. set me on my obsessive medieval history streak this year (see below.) i listened to as an audiobook, but i’ll just have to reread in print to really absorb it

under the rainbow by celia laskey - {contemp fiction} members of gay rights advocacy group and their families settles in ‘the most homophobic small town in america.’ okay, i’m putting this on the list, bc i loved the premise, and there was something there!! critiques of liberal HRC gays, explorations of the relationships of children of queer parents with queerness, dark comedy potential galore. but i just felt like laskey kept pulling punches, kept going for the easy stereotype or cliché. i kept wanted it to be something it wasn’t, but i want someone else to read it so we can talk about how it could be better

matrix by lauren groff - {historical fic} bastard daughter of the king is given a nepotism appointment as the abbess of a failing convent as an awkward teen. this falls in my absolute fave category of book, where there’s no plot but just an interesting character in interesting circumstances. deliciously meandering. tough, brilliant, prickly protagonist.

agatha of little neon by claire luchette - {contemp fic} a nun finds herself questioning her life when she and her sisters are relocated and take up a new vocation at a halfway house. i read these two nun books close together, which was an interesting compare and contrast. this is such like a delicate book, like a crumbly, brown fall leaf. meditative, gentle and harsh all at once. really lovely.

eat your heart out by kelly devos - {YA/horror} zombies come to fat camp. i don’t really read YA anymore, but i’m glad i read this. not to be corny or on the nose but it was a YA book with bite. fun, sharp, by turns sweet and sincere when it needed to be, i spent a flight with this book and it was perfect.

the space between worlds by micaiah johnson - {SFF} in a world where tech exists to enter parallel universes - if you’ve already died in them - a woman makes a career out of it because she’s died in so many of them. WOW. really gorgeous SFF in the tradition of social commentary without resorting to cheap allegory, but in a full, fascinating world. twists and excitement, heart-racing suspense. johnson is a star.

we are watching eliza bright by a.e. osworth - {contemp fic.} female game programmer becomes the target of a gamergate-style mob. what a weird, cool book. lyrical, with interesting,unsual narrative choices and scary, i don’t think everyone would love this book, but i did.

a river of stars by vanessa hua - {contemp fic} two chinese women flee a secretive maternity home in california and have to eke out a life for themselves and their children together. loved this for a lot of the same reasons i loved matrix, women learning to live with and for each other, no plot just people living through their circumstances, tough, brilliant protagonist. the book starts, if not fantastically, then certainly with a lot of energy and sensational events, and then settles into a grim, gripping fight for survival, but imo never enters the depressing or nihilistic.

the monsters of templeton by lauren groff - {magical realism} a woman returns to her hometown and then the town sea monster dies and is found floating in the lake. i read this book while a only a small drive away from the town the town in this book is based off of, which was fun for me. because it really is a love letter to weird, small towns, and this weird small town in particular (cooperstown, ny) where groff grew up. it’s not an uncomplicated love letter either, there’s plenty to criticize. it was a dreamy, hold onto you kind of book.

essential labor: mothering as social change - {non-fiction} i appropriately read the in snatches here and there during naptime in daycare. lots of juicy ideas in here, and i think it’s one of those things which everyone should probably read. another one to re-read so i can absorb it better.

patricia wants to cuddle by samantha allen - {horror} contestants of a bachelor-type dating show get hunted by lesbian big foot. AHHH this was the most frustrasting book of the year. from the cover, to the plot summary, i wanted to read this book so bad i bought it in hardcover. the first half, which is mostly a satire of the bachelor is amazing, and i just couldn’t wait for patricia to show up. and then it all ends in a terrible rush. i remember so much the feeling of enjoying the book, and then thinking “i don’t know how this will get wrapped up satisfactorily in the amount of book she’s got left.” and she doesn’t, unforch. so close. i’m excited to read allen’s second book though.

doomsday book by connie willis - {SFF} due to academic red tape, a small scale pandemic, and the christmas season a graduate student is trapped in the black plague and her mentor desperate to bring her back. i just loved this book. i loved the vision of a future world of cozy, bumbling academic time travel interrupted by tragedy, i loved the technology (a tape recorder triggered by pressing the hands together so the time traveller can record her observations while seeming to pray.) i loved the catharsis and tragedy around sickness and confusion, and the way ultimately the villain of this book is pride, petty bureaucracy and a failure to care for people. so much love, noble sacrifice and care is in this book, so much friendship and charity in ways that feel special and uncheap and untrite. also somehow, for a lot of it, sort of a romp!

the interior life by katherine blake - {SFF} sue, a homemaker is unhappy with her life. she begins imagining an elaborate fantasy world and is inspired by the heorines of that world to make small, but profound changes in her own. what a weird book! that i’m totally obsessed with! this book changed my brain in ways i can’t fully explain. this book is half generic but good high fantasy epic, and half watching sue join the PTA, paint her kitchen, budget for classical music records, make female friends, reinvest in her marriage. the fantasy is good, but sue’s story is un-put-downable and this book was not what you are expecting it to be. the way this book talks about women and their lives is so unusual in SFF that it’s unbelievable (but not yk) that i’ve barely heard of this book. it’s hard to explain what’s so great about this book without waggling my hands around and sighing a lot but this is a really special one.

the daughter of time by josephine tey - {mystery} a scotland yard detective laid up in a hospital bed solves the mystery of the princes in the tower. the character in another book i read read this book and then i found it on the free shelf! a funny little mystery with a classic rude detective. i don’t know if the historical research done in this book is true, but it really made me consider richard iii in a different light. so there’s that!

lent: a novel of many returns by jo walton - {historical/SFF} renaissance-era monk is not what he thinks he is, tries again and again and again. okay, of all the groundhog days that are so popular right now, this is a groundhog day really worth your time. historically rich and fascinating, sad, funny. what a blast!

tam lin by pamela dean - {SFF lite} janet goes to small liberal arts college in the 70s, makes friends, learns about herself, reads a lot, enrolls in classes and meets some hot, weird boys. the title kind of gives away the game here, but it really takes its time getting there. lots of talk of books and homework and class schedule and campus geography and roommate politics which feels atmospheric and fun and yk academic aesthetic in a way you all would probably like. the fantasy really lays dormant a lot of the book, but i didn’t mind. dean captures being 18 and on your own for the first time so brilliantly that even if you’re not a fantasy reader and were just a kind of pretentious college kid i think you’ll love it.

mystics, mavericks and merrymakers by stephanie wellen levine - {non-fiction} a sociological character study of some teenage girls in the lubavitch community in crown heights. i spent last shabbes reading the profiles aloud to my spouse on the couch and it was absolutely riveting. i’ve worked and socialized a lot alongside the chabad community, and so i felt like i really recognized some of the girls. at turns heartbreaking, hilarious, tender, tragic, adorable. if you (still) follow me, you’ll probably love this book.

#long post #such a long post #sorry #this year in books!

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ichayalovesyou · 2 years

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Kurtzman Trek is The First Time I Have Hope They’ll Confirm Queer Spock. (GASP!)

It continues to boggle my mind that people are accusing Spock of being written like a ‘typical horny straight guy’ in SNW

When literally all he’s tried to do

Is have a decent relationship

With his fiancé

And pretty much only his fiancé!

And yet, and yet, people are acting like Spock is some kind of, woman of the week tomcat everytime he talks to a woman, Uhura, Chapel, or T’Pring. He says something nice to a female character and it’s like “HETERO ALERT OMFG IM GONNA THROW UP” Ugggggh.

Which honestly actually pisses me off. And not just because of the entitlement and biphobia baked into it. Although that part does make my blood boil.

Like, what happened to Geordi and Data, Bashir and Garak, Malcom Reed, all that Rick Berman fueled sexist queer rep smothering bullshit, is NOT what’s happening, at all.

This isn’t trying to hook up Garak with 18 year old Ziyal, or trashing the Dax/Bashir friendship arc in favor of having him hook up with Ezri, or Reed being really gross about T’Pol, or deciding Chakotay & 7 of 9 would be hot because Jeri Ryan, established romantic subplot and wlw Janeway energy be damned.

Spock is trying to make things work with his fiancé that is literally it.

Honestly, I’m not exaggerating when I say if we are gonna get any kind of non-subtextual non-book confirmation on queer Spock it’s gonna be NOW.

Kurtzman Trek is responsible for pretty much all the not one-shot outright queer rep that we have in the franchise! Stamets and Culber! Adira and Gray! Beckett and Jill! Heck, this era has proved it isn’t afraid of making preestablished characters canonically queer thanks to Raffi and Seven in Picard! Lower Decks is where we got the Spirk engraving at the space station bar!!

Check your perspective. Damn.

#all this immediate gratification binge watching bullshit has rotted y’all’s brains out #this is a fucking DECADE before Spirk and he’s ENGAGED #of COURSE they’re gonna explore that #it’s not homophobic to explore a character’s previous relationships #it’s just not #and like I keep saying #even if he ends up having a relationship with chapel too #that doesn’t make him magically straight #if anything it seems like this generation of Trek creators cares more about and would be the most likely to act on #how much they know a queer Spock would mean to people at this point #and the reception to Raffi and Secen seems pretty damn positive #the people who only care about numbers probably noticed that #and we know Jim is gonna show up soon #I’m more hopeful than ever actually #and y’all need to cut the drama #you’re hurting everyone who doesn’t fit into the binary gay and straight rhetoric #meaning trans and bi and pan people #alex kurtzman #Rick Berman #queer representation #Spock #Star Trek #Star Trek snw #strange new worlds #snw #dataforge #Garashir #Malcom Reed #Spirk #biphobia

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aroaessidhe · 3 years

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2021 reads // twitter thread

The City In The Middle Of The Night

sci-fi on a tidally locked planet, set in two cities in the temperate zone with wildly different societies

messy sapphic codependent friendship

cool strange alien creatures and civilisations

#The City In The Middle Of The Night #aroaessidhe 2021 reads #why could i not find a hq image of the normal cover. anyway. many tags incoming incl spoilers #i really enjoyed this i have many thoughts head full #i enjoyed that both main relationships were different kinds of codependant friendships not rly romantic #(one was one sided I guess but the rest not)#i really really enjoyed the messy sapphicnessthe roommates....the ride or die....the trusting noone else....#i maybe wish it hadn't so ubruptly ended with bianca straight up being homophobic #but i enjoyed it all the same #I have seen PLENTY of stupid allo opinions in the reviews lmao. or people saying it's problematic bc bad things happen to the lesbian MC #she's the protagonist.......bad things are allowed to happen to characters.....#I also enjoyed the worldbuildinghow it explored both the idea of human society on a new planet letting go of all previous culture #and then also the importance of Not forgetting that(ie there's jewish and muslim characters and all sorts)#ALSO THE GELET OF COURSE i have no specific thoughts other than Interesting #mouth my beloved! i found her narrative very interesting...she is Good #I was totally sure there's a sequel but... apparently not???? i assumed the open ending was a set up for that.......#so idk how i feel about that lol.#I think the fact that i read this in one go undisturbed by the internet and distractions helped also idk #part of me is like.....i wish this were YA so that everyone ends up friends and is happy and it is nice #but also i enjoyed the adult complexityidk #anyway. that is all.

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aftgficrec · 3 years

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My absolute favourite fic series is called on the top of my tongue by Willow_bird. The first fic is called say something. Very good read.

We love this series @alaanz! I thought it might be fun to list previous asks where we’ve recced or referred to it, because that gives a snapshot of all the goodness that awaits first-time readers. Thanks for the rec! -A

we’ve referred to this fic in:

older sign language fics here

andrew or neil mute/selective mutism here

protective neil/andrew here

neil with major injury here

long post canon neil with ptsd here

katelyn & neil friendship here

katelyn-centric hurt/comfort here

new katelyn/aaron here

low-angst twinyards here

big brother nicky here

canon setting monsters as family/friends here

best post canon w/happy ending here

fics like ‘only you’ here (canon divergent andreil building trust, developing their relationship and exploring sexual boundaries)

on the tip of my tongue (say something) series by Willow_bird [Rated T-M, Not Rated, 206721 words, incomplete, last updated Dec 2021]

NB: All of these are complete except part 8

Part 1: say something (Not Rated, 45614 words)

On a bad day, Neil struggles with his own mental state, and Andrew figures out how to be there for him. As they wade through this together, both young men realize its okay to lean on each other and that they are capable of both reaching out as well as hanging on. Also, Betsy has shipped them from the beginning, let’s be completely honest here.

tw: violence, tw: homophobic language

Part 2: Hearts in Hands (T, 3471 words)

Katelyn loves her boyfriend Aaron and she knows that Aaron loves her. She cannot even begin to fathom how he is related to his twin, Andrew, because of how different they are - but one day she sees Andrew and Neil in the library and her world gets a little bit rocked.

Part 3: It Must Be Witchcraft (T, 3082)

Aaron just wants to grab something from the other dorm room, but when he opens the door he finds Neil and Andrew in a… compromising position.

Part 4: bite your tongue (M, 51888 words)

*This takes place during a time-skip in the final chapter of ‘say something’, over the course of the week before Andrew and Neil’s second solo trip to the Columbia house. *

A Tuesday thru Saturday chronicle of a rough week for Andrew and Neil. Sorry friends I’m really bad at summaries. The boys are super soft with each other when they aren’t making me want to cry, and that’s basically the whole fic.

tw: nightmares, tw: panic attacks, tw: flashbacks, tw: implied/referenced rape/non-con, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced self-harm

Part 5: TFW There’s a Gaysplosion and you were NOT invited! (How Rude!) (T, 5474 words)

Nicky Hemmick loves his life. It’s full of love and is incredibly gay, which means, obviously - it’s perfect.

Fluffy drabble where Nicky stumbles across Renee and Allison being adorable, then learns some things about Matt, and then gets to witness some groundbreaking forward movement with Andrew and Neil ALL ON THE SAME DAY. OH, and Erik is coming to visit soon!

Part 6: it’s the fear that will follow you (M, 10560 words)

Katelyn has an unwanted admirer and it’s causing problems. When Neil and Andrew are the ones to come to her rescue, they all learn a little bit more about each other and… bonding ensues?

tw: physical assault, tw: homophobic language, tw: dissociation

Part 7: i won’t say we aren’t family (M, 8794 words)

Andrew is out of the state and Neil gets hurt. Aaron is the one who is called and he has to hold down the fort when a lot of things seem terrifyingly uncertain.

tw: implied/referenced abuse

Part 8: let them hear me shout (for you) (M, 72542 words, incomplete, last updated Dec 2021)

Andrew’s mind was already racing, but before he could allow himself to focus on the worst-case scenarios he gritted out a sharp, “What happened?”

He heard Aaron take a breath in. “Neil doesn’t have any brain or spinal injuries.”

tw: major character injury, tw: implied/referenced abuse

Part 9: Festive FEELINGS! (Oh, and shopping) (G, 5385 words)

Nicky manages to get Andrew to agree to go Christmas shopping with him! Maybe while they’re out and about they can finally do all that family bonding they never got to do, ever, while everyone was too busy hating each other! Right? Right!

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aro-and-tired · 3 years

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Aromantic Experiences in Fandom: Survey Results

PART 1 - PART 2 - ANALYSIS: TIME IN FANDOM - ANALYSIS: AROALLOS VS AROACES

This survey was aimed at aromantic people, to share their experiences with fandom spaces, creating fancontent, and shipping. The survey got a total of 916 responses. The questions were split into various sections.

As the survey itself was quite long, the results will be discussed into two posts. This post will outline what the demographics of the respondents were and what their general experiences with fandom aree. The remaining sections, concerning content creators, shipping and additional comments, will be discussed in a separate post. Each post will have a summary at the end.

In addition, I plan on adding a couple posts discussing results split by certain variables, as I’m curious to see if different groups express different feelings regarding a few matters.

Demographic questions

Question 1: How old are you?

15 or younger - 14.7%

16-20 - 47.1% (largest group by age)

21-25 - 25.9%

26-30 - 8.3%

31-35 - 2.7%

36-40 - 1.1%

41-45 - 0.1 % (one person)

51-55 - 0.1% (one person)

Question 2: Which arospec identities to you identify with?

Considering the identities I had given as options, from most to least used:

Aromantic - 80.5%

Arospec - 28.7%

Questioning - 11.7%

Demiromantic - 11.1%

Greyromantic - 10.9%

Quoiromantic or WTFromantic - 7.2%

Aroflux - 4.3%

Cupioromantic - 4%

Aegoromantic - 3.9%

Aroqueer - 3.3%

Lithromantic or Akoiromantic - 2.8%

Nebularomantic - 1.9%

Apothiromantic - 1.2%

Arospike - 0.7% (6 people)

In addition, to these, most commonly added identities were Freyromantic, Belluromantic and Reciproromantic. Various over identities were added by various participants.

Question 3: Which of the following do you identify with?

Aroace - 51%

Aromantic Allosexual - 16.8%

Angled or Oriented Aroace - 12.9%

Questioning - 8.2%

Non-SAM Aro or Just Aro - 6.3%

I don’t identify any of these - 4.8%

General Fandom Questions

The first question in the fandom section was a check to see whether or not the participants were currently involved in fandom spaces. 96.6% (885) respondents said they are involved with fandom. 3.4% (31) respondents said they are not involved with fandom.

Involved in fandom: yes

Question 1: For how many years have you been involved in fandom?

1 or less - 4.1%

2-3 - 20.1%

4-5 - 26.8% (largest group by time spent in fandom)

6-7 - 19.7%

8-10 - 16.3%

11-15 - 8.5%

16 or more - 4.5%

Question 2: In general, would you say fandom spaces are aro-friendly?

Unsure - 45.9%

No - 43.6%

Yes - 10.5%

Question 3: If you answered no on the previous question, can you elaborate on why?

419 people offered a comment to this question. For starters, different people meant different things when they stated that fandom spaces aren’t aro-friendly. Some said that they feel fandom is not actively aro-unfriendly, but not friendly either - aro-tolerant, is how someone put it. Others instead found fandom spaces to be actively arophobic. Some people also specified that it depends on which fandoms one considers, with some fandoms being more friendly than others.

Almost everyone mentioned shipping as the first reason why fandom spaces are not aro-friendly. This ranged from people who enjoy shipping, but still feel that there is too much emphasis on it, from romance repulsed people who feel extremely alienated due to how common shipping is. The prevalence of shipping means that gen fics are rarer and receive less attentions. In general, it feels as if platonic relationships are seen as inferior to romantic ones and not worth of being explored.

It was also commented upon that some popular tropes can have arophobic connotations. Various participants mentioned soulmate AUs and Hanahaki disease as common tropes that some aros are very uncomfortable with, or that often have arophobic themes in the way they are used.

Many people also stated that they feel as if aromantic headcanons are less respected than other kinds of headcanons. They may receive less attention, especially from alloromantic fans, and at times even get rejected from fandom. Some aro people have reported having been accused of homophobia for headcanoning members of popular M/M or F/F ships are aromantic (or even just not shipping said ships), and accused of erasing gay people’s sexuality even when their aro headcanons concern characters with no canon sexuality.

On the flip side, the rare aromantic representation that exists is often not well respected by alloromantic fans. Many aros have said that it makes them uncomfortable to see allo fans ship aro characters, but their concerns are also often dismissed by allo fans as simple drama. Some people have even reported being themselves called arophobic by those same alloromantic shippers for being uncomfortable with shipping aro characters - the logic used being, that since some aromantic people enjoy dating, it is arophobic to be uncomfortable with aro characters being shipped. It is particularly hurtful that the same fans who get up in arms about respecting the sexualities of canon gay or lesbian characters and become very angry if someone ships them with a character of the other binary gender are often the same people who happily ship aro characters and ignore any argument made by aromantic fans.

Overall, many aromantic people feel that fandoms can be fairly amatonormative, if not straight up arophobic, and that their identities are often not respected and seeing as more trivial than shipping characters together.

Question 4: Do you think it's easy to find aromantic specific content in fandom?

No - 86.9%

Unsure - 7.2%

Yes - 5.9%

Question 5: Do you think alloromantic (non-aromantic) fans are in general respectful of aromantic interpretations of characters/media?

No - 56.7%

Unsure - 34.5%

Yes - 8.8%

Question 6: Have you ever received arophobic hate or harassment over something relating to fandom (aromantic headcanons, aromantic fancontent, etc.)?

No - 82.1%

Yes - 17.9%

Involved in fandom: no

Only 31 people stated that they are not currently involved in fandom spaces and answered the following questions. This is a fairly small sample. The answers here are reported, but it’s possible that they may not reflect actual trends.

Question 1: Have you ever been involved with fandom before?

Yes - 83.9%

No - 16.1%

Question 2: Is the fact that you are aromantic part of the reason you don't frequent fandom spaces?

No - 58.1%

Yes - 41.9%

Question 3: From what you have seen, do you think fandom spaces in general are welcoming to aro people?

No - 48.4%

Unsure - 48.4%

Yes - 3.2% (one person)

Question 4: If you answered no to the previous question, can you elaborate on why?

17 people answered this question. As a general rule, people here had stronger opinions regarding the prevalence of arophobia in fandom compared to those who are currently involved in fandom. Many of them said that they were either personally harassed for being aro when they were in fandom, or that they have witnessed this harassment from the outside. They also mentioned the prevalence of discourse in fandom spaces, with many exclusionists running fandom blogs.

One again, shipping was the most common reason given for fandom spaces being potentially alienating for aro fans, both its prevalence and the existence of things such as ship wars. A few people also mentioned having seen aro headcanons being called homophobic. Soulmate AU and Hanahaki disease were also mentioned as aro unfriendly tropes, and one person also brought up the matchmaker trope.

Someone also mentioned that in addition to aro unfriendly, fandom can also be ace unfriendly, and that asexual headcanons can receive the same backlash as aromantic headcanons. Another person said that while sexual content is common in fandom spaces, most of it is fundamentally alienating to romance repulsed aros, as sexual content almost always involves a romantic component.

Part 1 Summary

Overall, nearly half of aromantic respondents, both those involved and not involved in fandom, state that they feel fandom spaces are not aro-friendly. There’s also a fair number of people who are unsure, and only a minority feels that fandom spaces are friendly to aromantic fans. The amount of shipping that occurs in fandom spaces is mentioned as primary reason why aro fans feel alienated in fandom, especially romance repulsed aros. Many people also mentioned an attitude towards dismissing aro fans, if not straight up harassing them. Fandom arophobia has been remarked upon by various people, and in some occasions led to aro fans leaving fandom entirely.

The majority of fans agree that it’s hard to find aromantic specific content in fandom. A little more than half also states that alloromantic fans are not respectful of aromantic interpretations, with less than 10% of aro fans definitely stating that they believe alloromantic fans support their interpretations.

Lastly, a little less than one fifth of respondents stated that they received harassment due to aromantic headcanons, fancontent, or the likes.

Find Part 2 here

#aromantic #arospec #fandom #survey results

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gb-patch · 4 years

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Ask Answers (February 22nd, 2021)

Hello! Here’s another collection of anon ask answers all put together in one big post.

This might be strange considering how upbeat yall are about the fandoms for your games in general, but is there any particular trope or ship you WOULDN'T want us writing/drawing/etc. in relation to your stuff? (IE, any canon you don't want us 'overwriting' or something like that?)

Of course we would want the fan content people make to not be racist, sexist, homophobic, bigoted, harmful, etc. But in terms of generally doing non-canon pairings or adding in headcanons or stuff, we really don’t mind that. People are welcome to have fun and explore their own ideas.

for the 1.2 Android update was it meant to download as a separate app? I really want to keep my previous save files but they don't show up (also thank u for the updates I'm really excited to get back into the game!!)

We had to change the name of the file and unfortunately for some phones that meant it’s treated as a brand new game. I’m sorry your saves didn’t transfer over to the new version. You can try to look up your specific phone and see if there’s a way to access save files for games on your device and then transfer those saves over to the new build manually. It may or may not be possible.

I'm having some trouble figuring out how to get the update from Itichio without losing my save files? Is it the same game or a folder I can put in the properties? Sorry if this question is not worded well or if this isn't the avenue you'd want to take technical questions on

Are you using Android? If so, the above answer may apply to you. If you’re on PC or Mac, the save files will automatically still be included.

Hey. I really loved playing our life. It was a fun experience and I never thought I would like it this much. I do have a question, I am currently replaying the game and I am choosing choices I never chose at first. In step 2 during the road trip arc, I decided to ask Cove about what he liked to see on people. One of his response was anklets and black eyes. My MC have just happens to have black eyes. Do Cove say black eyes cuz my mc have it or it was just a coincidently programmed into the game?

He uses your eye color intentionally! If you changed your eye color he’d change what he said.

Will step 4 have 10 moments like steps 1-3?

Step 4 is only an epilogue. It plays like the openings/endings of the earlier Steps where it’s a bunch of scenes all in a row, there aren’t any individual Moments.

hi! who was/were the artist(s) for our life?

who is the artist for Our Life: Beginning and Always?

Main Sprite and CG Artist: Addrossi

Main Background Artist: Vui Huynh

Main Interface Artist: Winter Slice

Other artists who helped out can be seen in the credits of the game.

In the new ol, there are two main love interests... Would it be possible to pair them together or is that weird?

You can’t stay single and pair them together. If we are going to add all the extra content to have a route where the two LIs get together, it’d be a full poly route where them and the MC were all dating. And that’s not a for sure option yet because it’d add a lot of extra complications. But either way, in OL the relationships all gotta be about the MC, haha.

In OL2, there will be extra LIs in form of DLCs? Like Dexter and Baxter.

Maybe! We’ll see how it goes.

Since Cove will have 2 diff body types in s4, will the storyline and dialogs reflect this? Or all of it will be the same? Btw love the game and sorry for bad english. Hope this doesn't sound rude 😅

Some descriptions and pieces of dialog will change, but it won’t impact the story really. And you don’t need to apologize! It’s all good.

Will you ever release the transparent sprites of the Our Life characters?

Probably not, I’m afraid. They’ve got a lot of pieces and it’d just be kind of hard to deal with, aha.

Something I was curious about, what was your inspiration for making a game with so much customization?

Initially, the idea was just about having a romance where you actually grew up with the LI. But it was pretty stressful to try deciding how fast the relationship would progress with it taking place over such a long period of time and with no real storyline carrying it. People might not wanna play a game where the characters don’t get along as kids, but other people might not bother with a game where kids immediately liked each other. So the obvious answer came, just let the player pick themselves how it goes. From there we simply continued to add more flexibly with the MC due to the same thought process of wanting to make sure people were onboard with how their life was going.

What made you decide to change the artstyle for ol 2 so much? I of course respect all your decisions and will buy the shit out of everything related to ol 2, but i love the original style and i m honestly not a fan of the styles shown on patreon, despite me liking the painterly style in general. (I don t mind the style being changed, just that the examples shown so far all feel like there s something wrong with them.)

We’ve always used different art styles for each of our projects. They all have distinct looks from each other. It’s just nice to do something new. I’m glad you really like how the first game looks, though. And those samples were only general concepts, rather than the exact options being decided between. We wanted to see reactions to different options. The art style we’re going with won’t be exactly like those, though I personally like all of them. I think players are gonna enjoy the style Our Life: Now & Forever when it’s revealed.

Hey! Is it ok to ask what gender ourlife2 protagonist will be and if we'll be given the same opportunity to customize an MC? Totally understand if you're keeping this under wraps for now if u don't wanna say!

OL2 will have the same type of MC customization as OL1, but even more refined! So their gender will be up to you.

Hi! I happened upon Our Life on Steam by pure chance. It is such a great game, I am super excited about the DLC, and I just want you all to know that you are awesome! :D I have a question, and I'm sorry if it's been asked before. Do you have plans of making more games similar to Our Life, with customizable player character? The customizable player character was probably the one thing I personally have been desperate for in romance VNs. So glad there finally is one and would love to see more.

Thank you! And yep, we do have plans for more games like Our Life, most notably is another game in the franchise- Our Life: Now & Forever. We’ll also likely have other, non-OL, games with customizable MCs, though we may still have some games with set MCs in the future as well.

On the patreon dlc just curious but is it possible to play it without actually sleeping together/getting the nsfw content? I just want to spend more time with Cove

Yeah, you can still choose not to go that far. Though the event is shorter if you pass on the 18+ stuff.

At the beginning of Step 2, did Cove end up accidentally falling asleep in your bed? Or did he fall asleep on the floor?

He fell asleep sitting on the floor with his body/head leaning against the side of the bed.

This may seem like a weird question, but what exactly is the difference between "direct" and "relaxed" on the comfort scale?

Direct is blunter and more teasing, relaxed is lighthearted and goes with the flow.

can the MC have tattoos in step 3?

Not in Step 3, but you can in Step 4.

how would Cove react if he visited somewhere like North Carolina in winter where it can get in the 20s(F) at night sometimes?

He would be shocked and unprepared for what serious coldness is really like, haha. The poor beach baby would wanna go home.

Hello! I just joined the PATREON!! It’s amazing! I love your games! I have a question, approximately how much after will the nsfw be out? After or before the dlc 3 and step four? Sorry my English isn’t the best!❤️❤️❤️

Thanks so much! The NSFW DLC will be out after the Step 3 DLC but before Step 4. And you don’t need to apologize for that ^^.

This might be obvious but, will step 4 have dlcs? Also, where will the nsfw dlc happen? Won't bother me at all if it s in in our or his house but i do think it d be moderately funny

Step 4 will have the Cove Wedding DLC and the Derek and Baxter romance DLCs each add a lot of new content to Step 4, though they’re also partially set in Step 2 and Step 3 respectively. The NSFW DLC happens in Cove’s room.

I keep wondering what would've happened if Mr. Holden met Lizzie first instead of the MC. I can't see that turning out well somehow lol.

It wouldn’t have made a difference. He met the MC’s parents first and they told him about their two kids. He wanted the MC specifically to be Cove’s friend because the two were the same age.

Even though we have a way to go I'm really excited for OL 2! I was curious though, is the next main character going to be adopted again? I thought it was really clever to make the first main character adopted so when players are customizing, they can make them look how ever they like without worrying about pesky genetics. Just wondering!

The OL2 MC is not adopted. We wanted to go for a new dynamic. Instead their parents are their biological single mother who is partially customizable and an off-screen sperm donor father. So the mom will look generally like the MC and any other traits not from her can be assumed to come from whoever the father was.

—– —– —–

Thank you so much for all the asks ^^

FAQ If you prefer to just see the main posts without all the asks/reblogs, feel free to follow our side account instead: GB Patch Updates Blog

#our life #Our Life Beginnings & Always #ourlifeba #ask #gb patch #gb patch games #Our Life: Now & Forever

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lucemferto · 4 years

Text

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT PH1LZA (or Why Philza is a Victim of Narrative Circumstance)

Heyo! Per request I am posting the script to my video of the same name here on tumblr. I must warn you that just reading the script will probably not give you the full experience, so I would encourage you to watch the video (linked above).

There might also still be a lot of grammatical errors in the text, because I don’t proofread.

Intro

LAST TIME ON LUCEM FERTO

Okay, so! I don’t want this to turn into a reaction channel OR a Dream SMP channel for that matter! [echo]

Well, I lied.

[Intro to “Luc is pretentious about the funny blockmen. Episode 2”]

I swear, I’m working on other stuff. It’s just that my dumb lizard brain has only capacity for one interest at a time!

So, something you might not know about me, is that I am on tumblr – who am I kidding, most of you will know me from tumblr. Before starting this whole YouTube thing, I thought that website died years ago – but as per usual reality proves me wrong. I’m also on Twitter and Reddit, but I get the most engagement on tumblr – by far! – and I need those sweet, sweet numbers for the serotonin!

Anyways, one of my favourite past-times on tumblr is to razz Philza Hardcore Minecraft – that’s his full name – for being a frankly awful father [clicking away] – wait, wait, no! Philza fans, this isn’t a hit piece on him, I promise! Please come back!

This is video is meant to be a companion piece to my previous video about Technoblade and the Doomsday event – you can tell by the shared nomenclature – so you should probably watch that one before you proceed. Unless you don’t want to, which is also perfectly understandable.

DISCLAIMER: This video is mostly about the character Philza plays on the Dream SMP. Whenever I talk about the content creator Philza, I will say so properly. Also, Spoiler Warning for Dream SMP Season 2.

… What is that? You’re wondering what the Dream SMP is? Well, if you had just watched the other video like I told you to do, you would know, because I explained it pretty well there. But in case you don’t know, here’s the cliff notes.

Dream SMP is the hottest New Media Series on Twitch right now! It has it all: gaslighting, child soldiers, Machiavellian political intrigue, Hamilton roleplay, desecration of the dead, shounen protagonists, SO! MUCH! AMNESIA! Filicide, furries, a red egg that’s definitely homophobic and teenagers inventing nuclear warfare. And it’s all done in Minecraft – yes, the funny block game where the only way to emote is to crouch.

And you say the perfect brief doesn’t exist!

Now, you might be wondering, why do I want to talk about this? Well, it’s because Content Creator Philza is one of least controversial internet personalities that I can think of. That man exudes pure comfort. So, it’s just very, very amusing to me that his character became one of the most controversial figures on the SMP, only outshone by Tommy and Technoblade.

And it’s not just amusing, it’s also extremely interesting! I want to dig deep to uncover and discuss the dynamics behind why that is. How did it come to this point? How did a man who appears genuinely so pleasant create a character that inspires so much discourse!

Now, if you watched that Technoblade video – like I told you to twice now! – you might know, that I am the resident character analyses hater of fandom! And that impression is false and slanderous! Don’t tell other people that I hate character analyses! I love them!

It’s just that, in the Dream SMP in particular, there is an abundance of character analyses! Every streamer has at least two very good essays written about them, exploring every possible angle to view their characters and backgrounds and everything. All I’m saying is: I don’t have anything to add on that front.

So, instead I want to pursue a different approach – something, that I feel is a bit underrepresented in the fandom! And I’m not just talking narrative analysis – that’s right, this episode we’re going even more pretentious! – I’m talking Transtextual Analysis!

Now, what is Transtextuality? Well, unfortunately it has very little to do with actual Trans people – #transrights, just in case that wasn’t obvious – but instead describes a mode of analysis with which to put – to quote French literary theorist Gérard Genette – “the text in a relationship, whether obvious or concealed, with other texts”.

Basically, you know how the L’Manburg War of Independence heavily quotes and borrows from the hit musical Hamilton? That’s transtextuality! A lot of the analyses surrounding how Tommy mirrors the Greek hero Theseus, who was invoked by Technoblade multiple times in the series, are already doing transtextual analysis! So, it’s really not something that’s new to the Dream SMP fandom.

But how does this apply to Philza and how he is looked at and judged by his parental skills? Well, there are multiple forms of transtextuality, two of which we will discuss today.

But before we continue, I gotta do that annoying YouTuber thing. I know these videos don’t look like much, but I spend a really long time making them. I work fulltime and I try my best to keep up, but sometimes I can’t. So please, like, subscribe, comment to give me some algorithm juice – I really need it – and most importantly share it! Share it with your friends, share it with your family – I’m sure Grandma is very interested in what I have to say about Philza Minecraft.

And I’m trying to be better! If I sound at all different for this video, it’s because I finally bought a new pop filter, so I can hit my plosives without it sounding like there’s a thunderstorm in my room. I hope it makes a difference; it was a very cheap pop filter, so maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it sounds worse – that would be bad!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, CHILD NEGLEGT!

Intertextuality: Why is Dadza?

You know what’s really interesting about the Dream SMP – aside from, you know, most things about it? Very few of the characters have concrete, fleshed-out backstories – and that’s pretty weird! In no other medium or genre could you get away with something like that – at least for long-form storytelling!

So, how does Dream SMP get away with this? Well, it’s because every character on the Dream SMP is basically a self-insert – and I don’t mean that in the “This character is based on me”-kinda way, but in the “This character, for all intents and purposes, is me!”-way. This, like many things that are fascinating about the Dream SMP, is owed to the fact that this series didn’t start off as a continuous drama – it started off as a Let’s Play.

And while we can talk about how someone’s on-camera/on-mic persona is in some ways a character, it’s still miles off of being an actual, fully-realized, separate character in a storyline.

This is where Intertextuality comes in.

Intertextuality is a subset of Transtextuality. It describes how the hypertext, which is the text, you’re currently engaged with, uses another text, the hypotext, to supplement itself. The interconnection the hypertext establishes with the hypotext, through stuff like allusion for example, uh-hum [Hamilton], can colour how an audience interprets the hypertext. Basically, Hamilton and Theseus are the hypotexts; the Dream SMP is the hypertext.

So, what does this have to do with backstory? Simple: The backstories of the characters in the Dream SMP consist basically of nothing but intertextual references. Through intertextuality their content effectively substitutes their character’s backstory.

You can see it everywhere. Wilbur’s and Schlatt’s relationship and rivalry is hugely enriched, if you are aware of their shared history like SMPLive, for example – I think anyway. I haven’t watched SMPLive, because … there’s only so many hours in the day and I cannot keep up with the Dream SMP and catch up on SMPLive and live a healthy life – which I already don’t do, so…

BadBoyHalo’s and Skeppy’s relationship, which has become the crux of the Crimson-Storyline of Seasons 2 and 3, is hugely supplemented if you know that they’re also very close as streamers and in real life.

Another great example of intertextuality is basically Technoblade’s entire deal. If you just look at him completely within the text of the Dream SMP and try to transplant his entrance to any other medium: It would be extremely weird! Like, he’s just this guy that comes in in the middle of a very climatic arc, no build-up, no explanation what his deal is, and he’s treated like he has always been there. In any other medium that just wouldn’t work – at least not without a flashback or some sort of exposition!

But because of stuff like Minecraft Mondays, the Potato Wars, his Duel against Dream and SMPEarth, we understand that he is a Big Deal!

Anyways, to bring all of this back to Philza Minecraft: What kind of hypotext informs how the audience sees his character? Well, this is where I will have to talk about SBI.

SBI is an acronym that stand for State Bank of India, the 43rd largest bank in the world and…

It also stands for Sleepy Bois Incorporated. Sleepy Bois Incorporated is a loose assembly of content creators, consisting of Philza, Wilbur Soot, TommyInnit and Technoblade. It is most well-known for its very endearing family dynamic – a dynamic that is frequently acknowledged and played up by the creators involved. Tommy is the youngest brother, Wilbur and Techno are the two older brothers and Philza is of course the dad. And when I say, it’s played up, I really mean it! Wilbur seems to be especially enamoured with the idea and leaves no opportunity untaken to bring it up – which we will come back to.

And I’m not saying that they’re faking this and this is somehow an act. While I know none of these people personally, it appears to me, that this is genuinely how they interact – if a little exaggerated for the streaming experience. Even when they’re not consciously playing into the family dynamic, their interactions still very much lend themselves to that interpretation by the viewers.

Philza especially just radiates Dad-Friend energy – so much so that it has become a huge part of his brand identity – yay, I can bring that back (check out my Christmas video if you want to hear me ramble about that). The nickname Dadza stuck even before SBI was a thing.

So, even if we completely disregard SBI – which we shouldn’t for reasons I’ll get back to – Philza has cultivated an image of strong paternal guidance. He is, in my opinion completely deservedly, regarded very positively. He is highly respected and in turn seen as a voice of reason.

All of this would eventually inform the hypotext of the character Philza within Dream SMP.

Interlude: Before Dadza & November 16th

Okay, so now we have established that a) Dream SMP heavily hinges on intertextual readings by the audience to supplement character backstory and b) that Philza’s entire deal is that he’s the dad-friend – more specifically that he’s the dad of SBI (not the bank). I think you know where this is going.

So, yeah, ever since it was on the table that Philza could join the Dream SMP, it was immediately assumed that he would take on the paternal guardian role all these traumatized people on that server so desperately needed – and with good reason! Like I said before, the audience at this point was trained to take intertextual interpretations as basically canon or at the very least canon-adjacent.

I want to emphasize that this is most likely not done deliberately. I’m sure content creators Wilbur and Philza didn’t sit there and said: “Yes! We will rely entirely on the audience’s inclination to interpret our characters intertextually to define character Philza!”. Like, obviously that did not happen.

But it’s also important to remember that unlike with traditional media and the fanbases cultivated there, the separation between the Dream SMP and its audience is almost non-existent – and purposely so. The story events are streamed live, Chats are acknowledged in canon and even outside of livestreams creators are extremely involved with the fandom. So, the weight of fan-expectations is equally amplified and will more likely be incorporated into the writing process. Case in point:

[Wilbur “I miss Philza”/Philza about Wilbur]

During Wilbur’s villain arc, even before his official involvement, Philza became a prevalent point of discussion. The hope that he would be the one to snap Wilbur out of his downward spiral was not only wish-fulfilment on behalf of the fans; it also very much played off of the intertextual reading of the SBI-dynamic in relation to the Dream SMP.

Of course, this still doesn’t make Philza and Wilbur canonically blood-related – but it definitely used the “paternal”-dynamic of SBI to build-up tension and drama.

And that ultimately brings us to November 16th. The Grand Finale of Season 1 and Philza’s first canonical appearance on the SMP.

Now, for this I want to pull back from the transtextual analysis and talk about simply narrative analysis: What is Philza’s narrative purpose on November 16th?

Philza serves as the last threshold on Wilbur’s Villain’s Journey – to appropriate Vogler’s version of the monomyth for a minute here – he is what Vogler calls the “Threshold Guardian”. He is the last enemy the Hero faces before completing his quest – in this particular case Wilbur’s quest is to blow up L’Manberg. Multiple people have at this point tried to dissuade him from this course of action: Tommy, Quackity, Niki and others. So how come this Philza moment is not redundant in terms of dynamics compared to these prior scenes?

Well, it’s through our intertextual understanding of Wilbur’s and Phil’s relationship. Because Philza does not just occupy the role of the Threshold Guardian – he is also implicitly the Mentor. Before Phil there was no character in the storyline that held a higher position of moral authority than Wilbur – Dream and Schlatt, while at points more powerful in terms of actual authority, were never positioned by the narrative as Wilbur’s superiors in the same way as Wilbur was to Tommy, Tubbo or even Niki.

Before November 16th all challenges Wilbur faced were from people narratively subordinated to him. But that trend is broken with Phil. That is why he is the Threshold Guardian, why this confrontation is at the climax of Wilbur’s arc. Because Phil is the last thing tethering Wilbur to whatever morality he held before his villain arc; Phil is the last, moral obstacle Wilbur has to discard before gaining his reward.

And, just a quick sidenote, because I’ve seen it around the fandom a bunch: When I’m referring to Wilbur denouncing his morality, I’m using that in terms of narrative analysis. I’m mentioning it, because Wilbur’s character can very easily be read as mentally ill or neurodivergent and some people have – rightly! – pointed out that the excessive vilifying when talking about his character is … problematic, to say the least.

So, I just want to make clear, this isn’t a character analysis, I’m being purposely broad when talking about Wilbur and Phil.

In the end, Wilbur takes that final step and gets his “reward”: As his final request his mentor takes his life and vanquishes the evil – the dragon of Wilbur’s story slays the dragon of L’Manburg. It’s very Shakespearean in its tragedy – but beyond the larger theatrics it’s not really used to further characterize Phil – at least in the context of Season 1. There’s not a lot of focus on his characters internal conflict during November 16th.

Phil, like Techno, is very utilitarian in how content creator Wilbur writes him: He serves as a moment of hype; an obstacle Wilbur has to face; a participant in the tragic climax of Wilbur’s character and ultimately takes on his implicit and expected role of mentor and guiding figure to the rest of L’Manburg.

I think not a lot of people talk about how Philza does not join Technoblade during November 16th. He takes the side of L’Manburg – he fights against the withers and he joins Tommy, Tubbo and the others at the L’Mantree, thus framing him as loyal to the L’Manburg administration – even though Season 2 would make his loyalty to Techno central to his character. But more on that later.

What’s also important about November 16th is that this is the day when the general intertextual interpretation became canonized text.

[You’re my son!]

Wilbur is made Phil’s canonical, biological son. The intertextual interpretation of SBI as it pertains to these two characters on the SMP was completely reinforced by the narrative. Or to put it in Fandom terms: The headcanon became actual canon. At least when it came to Wilbur … but what about Philza’s “other” children?

Well, that leads to our second form of transtextual analysis:

Paratextuality: Is Dadza?

These titles are just getting better and better.

The Paratext is defined as all those things in a published work that accompany the text. It comes in two forms: One of them is the Peritext, which are non-diegetic elements directly surrounding the text – like chapter titles, author’s notes, and stuff like that. Translated to the medium of the Dream SMP, it would be stuff like this:

[Examples]

And, trust me, I could make a whole separate video about how people on the SMP use their peritext as a tool for storytelling – I’m looking at you, Ranboo – but that’s not what we will talk about in the context of Dadza.

Instead, we will focus on the second form of Paratext, the Epitext, which consists of all authorial and editorial discussions taking place outside of the text. That’s stuff like interviews, private letters or J. K. Rowling’s Twitter Account – you know, before she decided to become a full-time asshole.

[Wilbur: Transrights]

After Season 1 ended, Wilbur indulged pretty heavily in providing epitext for the Dream SMP, something he had not done prior to November 16th. His paratextual additions ranged from the playful, like assigning DnD alignments to various SMP members, to the extremely impactful, like the whole three lives system!

You probably think, you know where this is going. Wilbur provided some epitext about how Tommy and Techno either are or are not biologically related to him … and I have to be honest I thought that too. But then I began looking into the impenetrable web that is the SBI-canon on the Dream SMP and found this!

[Ghostbur explains family]

So, it wasn’t paratext, it was just straight text. Said in character, in canon, without any implication that we the viewers should question this. The text of the SBI family dynamic was explicitly linked to Dream SMP-exclusive lore, namely Fundy being Wilbur’s and Sally the Salmon’s son. This is as clear as Philza’s anguished declaration on November 16th in establishing the intertext as text. And because Wilbur also had a very heavy hand in the discussion of paratext around that time, it gave his character’s words even more “canonical” weight. Metatextually speaking, this very much read like the author giving exposition through his character – exposition that we should understand as reliable.

And, by the way, before I continue, I need to give a huge, huge shoutout to kateis-cakeis on tumblr, I hope I pronounced that right, who was just so quick in providing me with these crucial clips. Without him I would have looked for days because these people don’t archive their shit! And the Dream SMP Wiki was NO help, by the way! I love what you guys do, but stuff like this belongs in the Trivia section on characters’ pages!

Anyways, basically during the entirety of early Season 2 the SBI family dynamic was basically canon to the SMP. Sometimes it was only alluded implicitly, again letting the intertext fill out the rest.

[Philza clips]

But just as often it was just explicitly talked about – both in the text and in the paratext.

[Fundy clip/Wilbur “Twins” clip/Tommy clip]

So, I know what you’re thinking: “Why is this part called paratext, if the entire family tree is just textual”. Well, that last clip might give you a hint, as to what I will talk about. Notice how Tommy, one of the people most directly impacted by the canonization of SBI lore, is both unaware of and seems generally unenthused about it, to put it nicely? Well, that would soon turn out to be a much bigger deal than anyone could have imagined as he wasn’t the only one.

[Technoblade decanonizes SBI]

Yeah …

This happened on 20th of December. Regular viewers of this channel will remember that I put out a 90-second joke video, where I complain about this very development. And while I was mostly kidding around, the core idea is still true. The paratext provided by Technoblade and established text were in direct contradiction with one another – and that brought a lot of confusion into the fandom. Confusion, that would soon be followed by frustration.

Because Techno only decanonized himself as part of the SBI family dynamic – but what about Tommy and Tubbo, the latter of which was incorporated into the dynamic exclusively within the lore of the Dream SMP. Was this still canon or wasn’t it?

What followed was a muddled mess of contradictions, intertextual implications, text and paratext in conflict with each another. It was for the most part inscrutable to figure out how Tommy and Philza related to one another. I’ll spare you every comment made about this – mostly because I want to spare myself from looking for all of them.

In the end, the current status is that their familial relationship is … unclear. Philza said, again in paratext, that it’s ultimately up to the writers to decide, whether or not Tommy is his son … which, I personally think he and Tommy should be the ones to establish that, but I’ll come back to that later.

But why is all of this important anyway? Why would this ambiguity create such an uproar, such controversy – especially when it comes to Tommy’s character? What makes Tommy’s and Philza’s relationship such a target for discussion in the fandom?

Well … this is where we will have to talk about the storyline of Season 2.

Interlude II: Tommy’s Exile and Dadza in Season 2

Okay, Season 2. This is where the spoilers are, so I will just sneakily drop this again. It took me five seconds to google this gif and I will milk it for every penny it’s worth!

At the beginning of Season 2, Philza’s narrative role has not changed much from where Season 1 ended. He is in L’Manburg dispensing earthly wisdom, being a paternal figure to Fundy, Ghostbur and Tubbo, helping with the nation’s rebuilding efforts; just generally occupying the role of the mentor.

[clips]

And then came … the Exile. The Exile Arc took place between December 3rd and December 15th during Season 2 of the Dream SMP. It revolves around TommyInnit getting exiled from L’Manburg and slowly getting psychologically tortured and broken down by Dream. It’s a really great arc, at least in my opinion, that explores and deepens a lot of Tommy’s character relationships, whether that be Tommy and Dream, Tommy and Tubbo or Tommy and Ranboo. One relationship, however, is noticeably missing.

So, yeah, Philza spends basically the entirety of the exile doing pretty much nothing of consequence. And that’s not a problem specific to him – One big criticism I would levy against the Exile Arc is that a lot of characters are left spinning their wheels. Which is why we get zany stuff like El Rapids, Drywaters, Eret’s Knights of the Roundtable, Boomerville – anyone remember Boomerville, that was a thing for 5 seconds, wasn’t it? – basically a lot of storylines are started and then unceremoniously dropped. Now, I will talk more about this, when I make a video about Season 2 of the Dream SMP … in ten years, look forward to it.

In the case of Philza, this inaction was especially damning, because at this point it was still a considered canon that he was Tommy’s dad. So, the fans were left with a situation, where just a few weeks prior Philza was occupying a paternal role for Fundy and Ghostbur … but now, that his youngest son was in a very concerning predicament – to put it lightly – he was nowhere to be found.

So why is that?

Well, the most obvious answer is that Dream and Tommy didn’t write him into the storyline. We’ve seen that Tommy wasn’t particularly interested in exploring a familial relationship to Philza, at least at the time. And it would just not fit in with what Dream and Tommy tried to do with the Exile Arc: they wanted to tell the story of Tommy being isolated, completely under Dream’s mercy, slowly worn down and manipulated. If Philza had been constant presence for Tommy during that time, it would have definitely shifted the narrative focus. That doesn’t mean that they couldn’t have done that, it’s just a matter of fact that they didn’t.

This also reveals another truth about content creator Philza’s character work, that I think is extremely crucial: He takes what the writers give him. Outside of a few choice moments, he doesn’t seem particularly interested in expanding or even solidifying his character on the SMP.

What I’m saying is that he is very go-with-the-flow: Wilbur wants to enact a Shakespearean tragedy? Philza’s up for it. Fundy wants him as a parental figure and mentor? Philza’s here for him. Tommy, conversely, doesn’t want him as a paternal presence, even though it would make sense for Philza’s character, as it was established so far, to be there? Philza will oblige.

The reason I’m mentioning this is because, while Tommy and Dream were unwilling to utilise Philza in their storyline, someone else was more than happy to. Which leads us back, like it always does, to everyone’s favourite Porky Pig-kinnie in a crown: Technoblade.

Technoblade and Philza, from everything I’ve seen of them, seem to be very good friends – and they share a lot of history even outside SBI. So, it’s commendable that they would collaborate on a storyline together.

A consequence of that, however, is that Philza’s narrative purpose shifts completely with very little transition. His entire character changes from being the Mentor-figure of L’Manberg to being pretty much exclusively defined as Technoblade’s ally; his man on the inside. It is a very sharp turn from the end of Season 1. Their relationship is once again informed via intertext – this time the Antarctic Empire on SMPEarth serves as the hypotext – but there isn’t a huge effort made to smoothly integrate that aspect of Philza’s character into the larger narrative framing around him.

How much the narrative utilisation of Philza has shifted can be very easily observed through the Butcher Army event on December 16th, a story event that I like less and less the more I think about. Here Philza is used to show just how corrupt and violent Tubbo’s administration has becomes. He is no longer the respected mentor, he is now the stand-in for the oppressed populace, similar to Niki’s role in Season 1. On a narrative level, he is here to prove a point.

If you’ve seen my Technoblade video, you know how I feel about … just that entire storyline, so I will not reiterate too much on it. I just want to make clear that I’m not principally against this development – if they wanted to truly explore Tubbo going down a dark path and getting corrupted by power, so much so that he would even treat the person who effectively raised him like a prisoner, I would be extremely here for it, I cannot stress that enough.

The problem I have is that it’s just so sloppily done. It is not coherent with how these characters behaved and, more importantly, how they were narratively framed prior to the Butcher Army event. Fundy gets one token line about Phil being his Grandfather – a far cry from the very emotionally complex relationship they had established at the beginning of Season 2 – and Phil then callously disowns him.

The major problem simply is that we don’t see how Philza changes from Mentor-figure to embittered, oppressed citizen. And there was enough time to build to that. During the entirety of Tommy’s exile Tubbo was pretty much spinning his wheels and Quackity and Fundy were opening up plot cul-de-sacs that didn’t end up going anywhere. This is time they could have spent on developing their relationship to Philza and the dark path they were going down – but again, Season 2 video.

There is not much to say on Philza’s narrative purpose and framing beyond the Butcher Army event. He remains pretty much exclusively Techno’s consigliere with his role as Mentor to L’Manburg a distant memory. He has some cute character moments with Ranboo, because content creator Philza is just big dad-energy whether he wants to or not, and whenever he and Ghostbur share a scene suddenly the narrative remembers that there are people other than Technoblade that should exist in Philza’s inner world. But aside from that, Philza’s storyline in Season 2 remains … pretty definitive is the nicest way I can put it.

Most importantly his relationship with Tommy continues to be completely unexplored – whether by chance or choice – and that combined with ever vaguer paratext leaves “Dadza” in a very peculiar situation.

Conclusion: Is Dadza a Good Dadza?

So, the question to end all questions. The big, obnoxious text, that I will probably have put in the thumbnail – I haven’t made it yet, but I know myself. The honest answer is: I couldn’t tell you.

I have, in the past, been expounding the virtues of narrative analysis. That is because I feel that Narrative Analysis and Textual Analysis, like in this video, can provide certain tools that Character Analysis lacks. Often times I see people trying to get at a writing problem or query and getting frustrated because they’re not using the toolset, they need to figure out what they want to figure out.

But I’d be a hypocrite if I pretended like everything could be solved through the modes of analysis I prefer. And I think the Dadza-issue is exactly such a case.

I set out to explore why the Philza-Tommy-“Dadza”-relationship has become so controversial. It’s a combination of expectations build up through intertextual readings, that were partly canonized – something that is very common for the Dream SMP – conflicting pieces of paratext, which only serve to muddle the issue further and a text that is not only completely uninterested in actually exploring Tommy’s and Philza’s relationship – as it stands right now they might as well be strangers, narratively speaking – but also completely changes Philza’s narrative purpose as it relates to characters like Fundy or Tubbo about half-way through with little to no transition.

That is why I say, that Philza’s character is a victim of narrative circumstance. Because unwittingly, through all of these factors and decisions, there is not coherent reading of Philza that frames his parental skills in a particularly kind light.

The question of how we can judge Phil as a paternal figure ultimately falls within the purview of the character analysis – and that’s a very multifaceted issue, highly dependent on which POV you focus on and how you interpret the other characters in that POV’s periphery.

To put my cards on the table, I think that Philza is a very flawed father/father-figure – and I find that absolutely okay. Flaws are the spice of character building. He is not Cinderella’s Evil Stepmother – but he’s also definitely not Mufasa. If we were to read Philza as a paternal figure, then he would have made a lot of mistakes and decisions to the detriment of his “children” – least of all everything that happened on Doomsday.

But I also have sympathies for Philza fans who are tired of the Dad-Debate and would like to have his character judged independent from his relationship to Ghostbur, Fundy, Tubbo and Tommy.

Ultimately, to bring it all to a point, I’d like to end with saying, that I think that Philza, out of all the characters on the SMP, has the potential to be on of the most intriguing, multifaceted ones. There are all of these different patches of story, character moments and narrative and transtextual implications, that, if brought together, could create a beautiful tapestry of the character Philza.

You have his relationship with Techno, which holds the potential for so much emotional conflict and vulnerabilities, you have his time as mentor of L’Manburg, which is just criminally underused; the complex relationship between him and Ghostbur/Wilbur; and – for me, personally – most intriguingly this weird, almost uncomfortably distant non-relationship with Tommy. That last one is intriguing to me, because it contrasts just so much with our intertextual understanding of the characters and streaming personas – and it just holds the potential for so much conflict, so much drama, so much angst. Which I live for!

And, yes, I do believe that most of this is narrative happenstance, that this was largely not intended by Philza or really any of the writers. It’s just what happens when hybrid-roleplay-improv a long-running, livestreamed storyline in Minecraft.

But I want them to realize the potential they have on their hands, because it could – with barely any adjustments – turn Philza from a victim of narrative circumstance to a champion of it!

Outro

Thank you so much for watching this video. Usually, I don’t record outros this standard, but after this beast of a video I felt it necessary. I hope that whether you’re a Philza fan or a Philza critical or just completely uninvolved in the whole thing, there is at least a little entertainment you could get from this.

I want to take this opportunity to say that my next few videos will probably not be Dream SMP related – a sentence which undoubtedly lost me a bunch of subs – simply because I don’t want to burn out on it. I genuinely enjoy watching the SMP and being exhausted by it would be something I wouldn’t want to force on myself.

But who knows what will happen? The Karl Jacobs video was something I did spur of the moment because the idea just came to me – so I can’t guarantee that the next video won’t be a three-minute joke about Purpled or whatever.

Anyway, my concrete plans for future Dream SMP videos are essays on Season 1 and Season 2 as well as one for Tales from the SMP.

Before that I have a longer video in the works, which I’ve already teased a bunch, so I hope it will finally be finished sometime. And I also may be working on something … eboys-related? Maybe. I’m not making any promises!

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ardentlove · 2 years

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hey, apologies for not being very active on arden. there’s a multitude of reasons, some that i’m gonna put under the cut but i appreciate the patience and i will be back on her at some point because i really do wish to explore her character. however, due to the below, i will have to place her on an indefinite hiatus.

cw: mentions of mild transphobia + homophobia and unhealthy / abusive childhood.

in regards to arden, it’s hard to write a character that’s essentially about finding your own identity and undoing the repression of identity (and sexuality) from an unhealthy / abusive upbringing when you’re living back with family that you don’t have the healthiest relationship with and have had to put yourself back in the closet (they’re not like overtly homophobic/transphobic, but they do spout a lot of stuff and are mostly unaware of my own identity. while i don’t believe i’d be unsafe if they knew fully, i don’t want to risk my living situation).

while yes, arden’s repression is also tied heavily to her religious upbringing and previous religious beliefs — something i don’t have to deal with myself as my family is agnostic and i haven’t been religious myself since my teenage years — some of the character story / development still hits a little too close to home and i’m finding it difficult to write her without affecting my own mental state.

on top of this, i’m still recovering from being super ill and my brain will only let me maintain a proper focus on one character, though i do still think of headcanons for arden here and there and have muse for her.

i am hoping to pick her back up sooner than later once i’ve adjusted to living here a bit better and i appreciate the patience and understanding in the mean time.

#✧ — out of character.#negative *#i feel awkward putting this on tumblr but hhhhh #i'd rather be upfront because this isn't my normal 'lost muse in a character'#this is still a 'have muse but this character is too much for me right now'

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waffles-for-brunch · 4 years

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This project began as an indirect response to a few negative tweets in the days following the Valentine's Day Destiel wedding. During such time that “certain sources” chose to speak against the impromptu "wedding" and state that the direction of the show never included sexuality or romance. Since this argument has sparked a bit of discourse as to the validity of Dean Winchester and Castiel's relationship and sexualities, I began this edit as an exploration of observations throughout the entire 15 season run of the series. (That's not to say that Sam does not also have his own impactful romances throughout the show -he does have several notable ones- but in his case they are never debated upon or erased.)

There are three complete edits linked below. The differences are explained in their descriptions. (I also recommend downloading for best quality rather than simply watching in the browser, but it’s your choice)

BiDeanEdit: (Click here to download)

Runtime: 18:04:44

File Size: 10.0 GB (10,741,415,805 bytes)

Series long compilation edit (in sequence) of Dean Winchester and Castiel’s relationships and intended expressions of their sexualities (ie interest in both genders). This edit focuses on their relationship as it develops with one another, their other notable relationships (DeanxBenny, CasxMeg, DeanxLisa, etc), and the framework around their sexualities with small scenes of expression (ie Dean in ‘Playthings’ or ‘Everybody Hates Hitler’, or early seasons Dean & his transgressions with women, or Cas in ‘Caged Heat’)

BiDeanMLMEdit: (Click here to download)

Runtime: 14:40:57

File Size: 8.05 GB (8,649,798,685 bytes)

Series long compilation edit (in sequence) of Dean Winchester and Castiel’s relationships and intended expressions of their sexualities. This one is the same as the last but with only MLM content (Otherwise referred to as ‘only the gay parts’). We focus on this more repressed side of their sexuality and see these clues laid out altogether in one fluid edit (these examples are also available in the previous edit, however are just not aligned beside any heterosexual content). DeanxCrowley, DeanxBenny, DeanxLee, DeanxCas, etc.

DestielOnlyEdit: (Click here to download)

Runtime: 13:08:49

File Size: 7.17 GB (7,709,560,696 bytes)

Series long compilation edit (in sequence) of only Destiel related content. The same as the above edit, just simplified even more to only focus on Dean and Cas’ relationship over the years.

Keep reading below to find my full analysis of the complete edit regarding these guys sexualities, relationships, and the parallels we can draw.

To understand why it is that so many queer fans of Supernatural and other similar shows read queerness in characters and their relationships, we should look at the hays code established in 1930. At this time this certain code was established to monitor what was allowed to be depicted outright on film. Within the margins of what was to be stifled, was homosexuality. As such, filmmakers had to plant “queer-coded” seeds into the writing and subtext so that queer audiences watching could interpret these characters and relationships in this manner without the words and actions stating so outright. (At this time homosexuality could be depicted on film as long as said gay character was either a villain, caricature, or met an untimely end- feeding into the blossoming of the kill-your-gays trope. But that’s another topic for a later time.)

As film changed over the years and times became more accepting of lgbt characters portrayals on screen outside of simple coding, this did not make the code obsolete. Queer-coding and queer-baiting are often used in media in present day as a way to pull in viewership. Networks are able to garner the best of both worlds, in a sense. They can draw in heterosexual audiences that may not want to watch queer media, whilst also drawing in queer audiences by coding some characters and relationships just enough to pull those viewers in. This works simply because there is such a lack of queer representation in most media that we’ll take what we can get.

This is where Supernatural comes in. There is a reason that Supernatural and thus “Destiel” is known by some as “The Great American Queerbait.” This twelve years long gay slow-burn between one overly masculine character and his awkward angel best friend did not begin with the intention of romance or baiting, as many of these things generally don’t. However, once fans realized the chemistry between these two particular actors and characters, it became something blatantly written into the show. Sometimes jokingly, other times as legitimate moments of emotional intimacy between two characters. So to say that the show’s direction never included sexuality or romance is, to put it bluntly, bullshit. Just because something is not written in clear and concise wording right in your face, does not mean that it is nonexistent and that the writers did not know what they were writing into the show. (Not even to mention the actual love confession in 15x18, but I digress).

We know very well that queer content has been written subtextually into media for the better part of seventy years. It is a language in media just as much as lighting is a language, just as much as certain camera angles, color design in costumes or set decor, and music design are languages. All of these, outside of the simple words said on screen, make up our media and these characters and our shows. Tv is a world of color, not black and white.

[[ further readings on the above topics: X X X X X ]]

I decided upon this full edit encompassing both the female and male aspects of Dean Winchester and Castiel’s relationships & sexualities because oftentimes when we’re looking into potentially queer characters we tend to focus on the same sex attraction and neglect the opposite sex attraction. Both are very important to acknowledge and compare, if at the very least to view where they may overcompensate, where toxic masculinity may come into play, compulsory heterosexuality, trauma responses, etc. Sometimes what a character doesn’t do is just as important to interpret as what they do do.

For instance, Dean Winchester. If we are to operate under the assumption that he is bisexual, any repression we witness throughout the series as to his male attraction is likely to be a result of his difficult upbringing, similar to most queer identifying people with childhood trauma. His father is a marine, the picture of manliness in which Dean himself blatantly embodies in an effort to impress and make his father proud in any way he can. Dean is already unlikely to seek out activities in any aspect of life of which might make John look at him in a different light (ie, in an every day setting, even simply watching Finding Dory- this is not something S1 Dean would have admitted to liking, but we see Dean in later seasons standing up for himself and his appreciation for it).

Is it perhaps for this reason that we see Dean as an overly blatant and flirty ladies man in season 1 when John is still alive, while this side of him steadily declines as the series continues? It even becomes established in season 3- in light of Dean’s fears surrounding going to Hell, he enters an attitude for coping that Sam recognizes- hypermasculinity, promiscuity, deflection. Heightening the idea that this caricature of himself that he embodies is a mask that he wears in order to cope with something else. He is donning the image he assumes others think he should fit into. Sam calls him out on this through the years, and eventually this becomes something we see in him less and less as he feels more comfortable simply being himself.

If we take into account the time of which this first season is filmed, this is 2005, a time where gay jokes were still funny and an overcompensating character was a joke attached to it. We see Dean built up in these first couple of seasons through this lens of jokes about a hyper-masculine character being mistaken for gay, however instead of this building up the masculinity to encourage a raging heterosexual characterization, this overcompensation is exactly what inadvertently sows the seeds of queer-coding. To queer watchers this reads as a deeply repressed character with childhood trauma who overcompensates when faced with observations of gayness and uses hypermasculinity to counteract these accusations.

It is through circumstances such as “Bugs” in S1 or “Playthings” in S2 that we first see these ‘jokes.’ The brothers are mistaken as a gay couple. Dean being the more “masculine’ of the two characters has a blatant reaction to these situations (Overcompensating), and Sam’s lack of a reaction is what solidifies his own straightness all the more. Neither brother is homophobic (this becomes established as time goes on) so why would either have a problem with this mistake? Sam wouldn’t care because he’s clearly not gay- in fact, he usually just laughs it off. Dean would care because he wonders what about him looks gay? Do other people see it too? Do they know? What’s wrong with him?

We also see another blatant example of this type of freakout in season 8. “Everybody Hates Hitler.”

(Images: “Playthings” S2xE11)

(Image below: S8 “Everybody Hates Hilter”)

We frame these situations in early seasons around girl of the week scenarios and brief bar flirtations. Have to make it clear that our manly straight character looks as manly and straight as possible. Dean is also in his 20s, he’s more carefree/not as traumatized yet, and he is a sexual man so he does sleep around quite a bit. What is notable, however, is how much this drops off in later seasons. As time goes on Dean seeks out less and less the fleeting encounters of one night stands, in favor of genuine connections- even if he himself frequently doubts his own ability to ever have a settle-down type of relationship or life. Lisa is the only long-term female romantic relationship Dean ever has throughout the series run, and this tentatively begins in season 5 and ends in season 6.

Dean and Lisa’s relationship is founded more in a dream of something that Dean wants to be rather than who he actually is. Although he loves her, their bond is made through trauma and their relationship overall is reminiscent of a soldier who returned home from war with heavy PTSD and begins to burden the family that he will come to realize he doesn’t quite fit within anymore.

Outside of this, his closest relationships from thereon out are between Benny, and Castiel.

Let’s start with Benny. Throughout season 8 Benny is framed as an ex and his relationship with Dean directly parallels Sam and Amelia’s. Both brothers must confront their relationships with their ‘significant others’ and decide whether to cut them off or proceed. Both brothers found these people under circumstances in which they did not get along with them at first but were pushed together. Another person comes in the middle of their relationship (Amelia’s husband for Sam, or Cas/Sam for Benny). The brothers each resent the other’s significant other or the circumstances surrounding the relationship. Sam hates Benny because he is a vampire and Sam does not understand why Dean continually trusts him (which is a circumstance inherently queer-coded in itself for comparability to an unaccepting family). Dean does not care for Amelia simply for the fact that Sam chose her over looking for him in purgatory.

Other instances we see parallels between Sam’s romances and Dean’s:

“Sex and Violence” S4 siren: Nick(Siren)/Dean parallel to Sam/Dr Lady

Season 4: Ruby/Sam and Cas/Dean teamup parallels

S1 Dean pulling Sam from the fire away from Jess vs S12 Sam pulling Dean away from Cas who may die approaching Lucifer to fight

Season 8: Dean/Benny vs Sam/Amelia. Dean and Benny, since they’re essentially going through a breakup, are directly paralleled to Sam and Amelia and their breakup. See “Larp and the Real Girl” for Charlie and Dean’s conversation about Sam’s recent breakup and Charlie picking up on the fact that Dean might also be going through one.

1x05 vs 8x07: Sam seeing Jessica on the sidewalk as they drive down the street vs Dean seeing Cas on the side of the road as he drives down the street

S11: Perhaps this one can be interpreted loosely and not necessarily romantic (esp on Sam’s end), but “O’ Brother Where Art Thou” both brothers are drawn to forces they actively fight against being drawn to. SamxLucifer and DeanxAmara.

S11: “Beyond the Mat” not a relationship but with crushes/infatuations. Dean with Gunner Lawless and Sam with Rio.

S15: Cas telling Dean that “We Are” real. vs Eileen being unsure what’s real and Sam kissing her and saying “I know that was real.”

S15: “The Trap” Dean loses all hope following the death of their friends and primarily Cas. Sam loses hope after Eileen’s death. Directly paralleled in the episode. (We also see Sam lose Eileen in 15x18, where Dean also loses Cas)

Additional parallels between Dean/Cas with anyone else:

Season 9/10: Cain/Colette vs Dean/Cas. “She only asked for one thing. To stop.” vs Cas asking Dean to “Stop”. Both circumstances referring to the Mark of Cain.

S12 “Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets” Lily (human)/Isham (angel) vs Dean (human)/ Cas (angel)

Led Zeppelin: This music means something within John/Mary’s relationship, which Dean directly acknowledges in 12x01 with Mary. We find out Dean has gifted Cas a mixtape of his “Top 13 Zepp Traxx” in 12x19. (the implications of Dean having made a mixtape for Cas, being its own point in a different discussion)

When Lucifer contacts a person to try and get them to open up to him, he uses their dead lover as a ploy. SamxJess, NickxSarah, VincexJen, DeanxCas - 15x19 when Lucifer calls Dean using Cas’ voice.

The parallels of unreciprocated love/infatuation. DeanxCrowley and CasxHannah. Dean likes Crowley but clearly not the way that Crowley likes Dean. Cas likes Hannah like a friend or sister, but she keeps putting the moves on him for awhile and he appears deeply uncomfortable and has to shoot her down more than once.

Parallels between Dean’s own relationships:

Dean in “Let it Bleed” torturing demons to find the location of Lisa and Ben vs Dean in Purgatory torturing monsters to find the location of Cas “The angel”

“The Rapture” opens in Dean’s dream which Cas visits and says he’s in trouble and gives Dean an address to go to immediately. “The Song Remains The Same” opens in Dean’s dream which Anna visits and says she’s in trouble and gives Dean an address to go to immediately.

S6 Dean dodging calls from Lisa vs S12 Dean dodging Cas at the beginning of “Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets” (notable also how Sam treats both circumstances the same)

S11: “Into the Mystic” 11x11 Mildred tells Dean the key to living a long and happy life is to follow your heart. Later in the season “All in the Family” 11x21 When Casifer is still captured by Amara, she puts her hand to Cas’ heart and is able to connect with Dean to contact him. Hinting at the link between Cas and Dean’s “hearts.”

Not necessarily a parallel but an observation. 7x01 when Cas is loaded up on God juice, and Dean has given up but Sam hasn’t and wants to talk to ‘the guy’, Dean says, “He’s not a guy, he’s God.” But in 11x18 Dean refuses to give up on Cas and let him continue to be possessed. Sam keeps speaking about Cas like he’s just a vessel and Dean says, “It? It’s not an it, Sam. It’s Cas.” Mostly this shows the development of their relationship and Dean’s willingness to continue to fight for him.

Dean’s dream world with Pamela in S14, she says to Dean “How come you only want what you can’t have?” and in S15 during Cas’ confession scene he says to Dean, “The one thing I want, is something I know I can’t have.”

Before we delve into Dean and Castiel specifically, let’s explore a few more things regarding Dean.

Let’s start with Cassie. This is Dean’s first romantic relationship we see on the show, and is arguably his first love. What is notable about her is her characterization and Dean in relation to her. We haven’t seen him in a relationship before, and thus this is the baseline to which we can draw how he is in this type of vulnerable state.

We see here that he is drawn to strong individuals. Cassie is a very strong willed character and can hold her own. She has a boldness about her. Dean appreciates that. We see similar in his next framed love interest: Jo Harvelle. Jo is another strong character, and though Dean sees her more as someone he needs to protect because she doesn’t have as much experience under her belt, he respects her intellect and strong will all the same. They connect through a love for hunting and mutual daddy issues. Personally, this is a relationship I view more as a little sister dynamic in a similar vein to Dean and Charlie, however this pairing is still worth noting because as it was written it was intended to potentially flourish into a romantic relationship. This did not pan out, though the seeds are still there.

Next up is Anna. Again daddy issues are a solid connection these two hold, and while this relationship is more of a one-night-stand than anything else, there are still important points to be taken from this encounter. The first is just how much Dean cares. We don’t see very many sex scenes with Dean throughout the series, but of the ones we do see, it is apparent that he is a gentle and tender man. He cares. About even a single night with a woman. (Cassie, Anna, Lydia ’The Slice Girls”) This is a contrast to Dean’s general persona of the masculine straight promiscuous lady’s man. He has all the bravado of a man who ‘loves em and leaves em’, but in reality that is not who he is. This is another example of the faces Dean wears in front of certain people (and what he thinks they expect of him), and the person he is once he lets that mask fall.

It may be important to note as well that Anna, (it is rumored) was originally meant to be more to Dean than this simple one night stand and connection. She was intended to become a romantic interest but, as it turned out, Dean and Cas had more chemistry so the arc that Anna was meant to follow was instead given to Castiel.

It is another year until the apocalypse comes along, Sam dies, and Dean falls back into Lisa’s lap. While Lisa is another strong-willed woman who rolls with the punches, her lifestyle deviates from Dean’s usual romantic interests simply because of her offering of a normal life outside of everything he’s usually known. A life with her is dipping his toe into a life he could have had if he didn’t hold the weight of the world on his shoulders and hunt the things that go bump in the night.

This is Dean’s last “official” relationship of the series. After putting Lisa and Ben in danger by being someone that he cares about, Dean accepts that he’s simply not a guy that can have a normal life or a normal family. He cares about people and they get hurt. This is a weight he holds on his shoulders for the remainder of the show. He loves someone, or more accurately, they love him, and they’ll get hurt. End of story. It doesn’t help that immediately following this, Castiel “dies” too.

Maybe it’s Lisa, maybe it’s Cas. Maybe it’s a combination of the two at this point in time, but Dean is never again the same when it comes to relationships after these events at the end of season 6. He becomes more cautious, tries to keep people an arm’s length away, and we even begin to see less and less promiscuity and flirting with miscellaneous women from this point on.

Let’s talk about Castiel.

Although Dean has had various queer-coded moments throughout the beginning of the series and up to Castiel’s entrance in season 4, his minimal relationships up to this point have all been with women. Simply exploring the evolution of this relationship from Dean’s side of the picture, Dean doesn’t start to truly warm up to Castiel until perhaps the end of season 4. He begins the season unsure of the angel, perhaps even a bit afraid of him, before the two garner a sort of mutual respect as Dean begins to see that there’s more to him than simply an agent of heaven.

They’re friends in season 5. The quirky, strange angel that doesn’t understand social cues, stands too close, stares too much, and says things like “we’re making it up as we go” and “tonight you’re my little bitch.” He’s a far cry from the ethereal entity that showed up in Bobby’s kitchen just a year ago and threatened to toss Dean back into Hell. What really turns the curve, however, is “The End.”

5 years in the future in the midst of an apocalyptic war, Cas is still around. He’s human and he’s stuck by Dean’s side through it all, even though this Dean is just a shadow of his former self. Then again, so is this Cas. But still, they stuck together. Dean isn’t used to that. He has very few people that have stuck by him for this many years. Could probably count them all on one hand at this point. Bobby and Sam at the top of the list. Everyone else either dies or leaves. And in this future, Bobby and Sam are dead, but Cas is still there.

Dean has abandonment issues. His mother died when he was four, his dad was in and out emotionally and physically his entire upbringing, Sam left for Stanford the first chance he got. He’s got strings of dead friends and lost relationships surely in tow for years at this point, and half the time Dean has become accustomed to pushing people away before they have a chance to push him away first. (Ie Cassie, Lisa, often even Sam too at times). Cas won’t make these issues any better during their run together, but up to this point Cas hasn’t let him down. The simple fact that in this one future universe Cas had stuck by him, I’m sure that makes a big difference to Dean and actually may be imperative for their relationship going forward and the trust that forms between them.

Something that becomes a large part of their relationship is Cas and Dean’s ability to have conversations with just their eyes. This is a shorthand that Dean is known to have with Sam on occasion, especially during times of combat. It takes a certain amount of intimacy and knowledge of the other person to be able to have a shorthand like this. The first instance we see this between them is quite possibly “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester,” when Dean convinces Cas that they can save the town. We see it again in the ‘beautiful room’ when Cas slams Dean up against the wall and Dean seems to understand what’s happening. Another instance, “The Song Remains the Same.” In a way, it’s a locking of eyes that just seems to say “trust me,” and they do.

Sam wonders if Anna may be right. If killing him and scattering the pieces will stop this whole Lucifer vessel business. Sam asks Cas, Cas looks to Dean, they share a look, and Cas shuts Sam down. In all likelihood that plan could have worked, but Cas wouldn’t do that Dean. He wouldn’t do it to Sam either but at this point he’ll do anything at all for Dean.

If we take a moment to consider Dean and Cas’ relationship here, it is unlike any of Dean’s previous ones. Dean never has this same kind of shorthand with any of his other relationships, save for possibly Benny to a certain extent. Cas is an odd guy, and Dean frequently describes him as such, but he finds it endearing (if “Free to be You and Me” is any indication this early in their relationship). The previous women in his life all had the same thing in common, that they’re strong willed, brave, and don’t put up with Dean’s shit when he’s being a shit. Cas does fit all this criteria, but he’s also someone that Dean has a hard time reading. Cas is so literal sometimes that Dean can’t tell what’s literal, what’s deadpan, and what’s just Cas’ personality as an angel. But at the end of the day, simply put, he likes him and he trusts him. Getting Dean Winchester’s full trust as quickly as Cas gets it is an anomaly all on its own.

Dean’s female relationships are fairly surface level. They’re easy and fairly uncomplicated. Boy likes girl, girl likes boy. Girl gets mad at boy, relationship ends. Easy. Expected. His relationship with Cas isn’t easy. But the big endgame relationships seldom are. There’s blood, loss of trust, rebuilding, and there’s a pull that at the end of the day always brings them back to one another no matter how incredibly messy things get.

And boy do things get messy. If we touch back into the end of season 6 where things end with Lisa and blow up with Cas, Dean is at an all time low in the relationship department.

Dean takes Cas’ betrayal hard. Breakups are one thing. Leaving Lisa was expected. It was bound to happen eventually. Dean always knew that somewhere inside. He mourns leaving them, but knows it’s for the best. But with Cas’ betrayal at working with Crowley, he’s devastated all over again.

Dean never expects his relationships to last forever, but again there’s a choice few people in his life he lets take up space on the list of those who might stick around. Bobby, Sam, Cas. I don’t think Lisa was ever on this list, as much as Dean wishes he could tell himself she and Ben were. But they weren’t. That relationship was a ticking time bomb. And when they nearly die because of his life and the creatures surrounding him every day, that’s the end of it.

Fast forward, season 7 is a time of mourning. He’s lost Lisa and Ben, he gets Cas back for all of 30 minutes before losing him all over again and never being able to repair that relationship. But he keeps the trenchcoat. Fishes it out of the lake, bundles it up, and keeps it in the back of every single car that he and Sam drive that year.

Dean doesn’t keep mementos. Not of Cassie, not of Jo, Not of Anna, or even Lisa and Ben. No pictures, no items, just memories. You know what he does keep? He keeps his dad’s leather jacket, Bobby’s flask, pictures of he and Sam and his mom. Is keeping the trenchcoat in the back of the car for a year similar to those familial keepsakes? Maybe. But it’s also more than that. It’s covered in blood and lake water, and I’m sure Dean would explain it away that Cas was family and that’s why he kept the coat. Probably even believes that too.

Then we have purgatory.

Dean prays to Cas every night. He could get out of that place just on his own, but he stays there for months in full combat just to look for the angel and get him out with him.

“First we find the angel”

“Cas, we’re gettin’ out of here. We’re going home.”

“Cas, buddy, I need you.”

“Let me bottom line it for you. I’m not leaving here without you. Understand?”

“Cas, we’re gonna shove your ass back through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us.”

“It’s gonna work. Nobody gets left behind.”

When we meet Benny, Dean’s only other primary male pairing of consequence, he is not trusted. This team-up is one of strategy and a mutual goal only- at least at first. Dean and Benny fight well side by side, but the trust only runs so far. That is, until during one particular fight with leviathans in which Cas nearly bites it, Benny saves the angel’s life. This is the main turning point for Dean’s entire trust in Benny from here on out.

“Benny has never let me down.” Dean says later to Sam. And he never did. He saved Cas, got Dean out of purgatory, and then later on he gets himself sent back to purgatory just so he can help Dean’s brother get out of there.

Dean and Benny’s relationship was “pure” in purgatory. They didn’t have to worry as much about the fact that Benny was a vampire and Dean was a hunter, they were just brothers in arms who earned one another’s trust, respect and love. There’s no way you let a man kill you and send you to purgatory to save his brother if you don’t love him.

Their relationship once they broke out of purgatory is where things began to sour, not because of anything either of them did to the other, but more the space they let grow. Regular Earth was different from purgatory and these men had to go back to their roles and say sayonara. “What happened in purgatory stayed in purgatory” and all that. Benny was a vampire and Dean was a hunter. That kind of thing mattered here despite the fact that they did care for one another.

Dean and Benny’s tumultuous relationship in relation to the people in Dean’s life could be reminiscent of a queer experience in itself. A lack of acceptance from Sam, Bobby, Martin- Dean’s family. Not because of who Benny was, but what he was. Pair this with the already established fact that Amelia and Sam were a direct parallel to Dean and Benny, Season 8 has been one of the most blatantly queer-coded seasons as of yet.

Which brings us to “Goodbye Stranger.” It is established early on this season that Dean feels that there’s something wrong with Cas, something off about him. The fact that they don’t know how he popped out of purgatory is just one part of it. It’s in the way he acts, how spacey he is, the fact that he doesn’t answer Dean’s prayers. “I always come when you call.” Cas once said. And he did. Until now.

This is another aspect of their relationship which is simply there and not spoken about much- similar to their staring and eye communication thing they do. Dean started their relationship unable to read all of Cas’ quirks very well and unsure of the guy. Now, he’s fluent in the language of Cas. He knows by tone of voice, by shiftiness, by his expressions- when something is up. Maybe he started paying more attention after the whole Rafael situation until he could read Cas like the back of his hand, or maybe he just started paying attention just to pay attention.

He’s known something is wrong for months while Cas has been under Naomi’s control. Just the same as years later, he knows something is up when Lucifer is taking a ride in Cas’ body. And he knows in 12x15 just by the way Cas speaks on the phone that something is off with him.

They come upon the angel tablet in the crypt, and Dean does fight back when Cas starts in on him, but he spends even more energy trying to get Cas to come back to him and fight whatever force has him under control. He never once stopped to think that this was just Cas. “This isn’t you! Fight this!” Dean would repeat over and over as Cas beats him nearly to death.

There was a moment he certainly thought that Cas would kill him, and it seemed like he was more bothered by the fact that it was Cas that would do it more so than the thought of dying.

Cas breaks through the mind control, heals Dean. Then he leaves. So, again, Cas leaves. He keeps doing that to Dean. I stated before that Dean’s abandonment issues come into play in this relationship, but unlike at the beginning where Dean saw a future that Cas stays in, this Cas keeps coming and going. This makes it difficult for Dean to trust him fully, to rely on him. But the fact of the matter is that he does still trust him completely, and that’s what bothers Dean.

When Cas does come back again, collapsed and bloody in the middle of the street, Dean puts up a wall. He’s hurt and he’s tired. He doesn’t want to trust him as much as he does and he definitely doesn’t want him to keep coming and going without a thought. (What’s interesting to note here, though, is Dean’s change in character as this occurs through the years. Because while here he may simply give Cas the cold shoulder and not talk much about his hurt in this situation, we see later on in 12x19 after Dean has been fretting for days about where Cas has gone off to, and Cas finally does return, he voices his side of things. “With everything that’s going on, you can’t just go dark like that. We didn’t know what happened to you. We were worried, that’s not okay.”)

Naomi hits the nail on the head when she visits Dean after Castiel disappears and she notices Dean still hasn’t warded the boat against angels. It is moments like these that we realize just how much everyone else around these two also notice their chemistry and their deep devotion to one another, always seeming to fall back to one another.

“I think you have me confused with the other angel. You know, the one in the dirty trenchcoat who’s in love with you.” - Balthazar S6

“The stench of that impala is all over your overcoat, angel.” - Crowley S6

“Castiel? Oh, he’s not here. See, he has this weakness. He likes you.” -Uriel S4

(to Dean) “Go ask him, he was your boyfriend first.” - Meg S7

“I have tiptoed through all your little tulips. Your memories, your little feelings, yes. I know what you hate. I know who you love, what you fear.” - The Empty S13

“And then after a rousing speech, his true weakness is revealed. He’s in love... with humanity.” - Metatron S9

“I’m sorry, did you just say that you lost a Winchester? Because, one, that’s... interesting. And, two, how is it that you lost Dean? I thought the two of you were joined at the... you know, everything.” - Kipling S14

“And for what again? Oh, that’s right, to save Dean Winchester. That was your goal, right? I mean, you drape yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately, it was about saving one human, right? Well, guess what? He’s dead, too.” - Metatron S9

“Don’t lose it all over one man.” - Hannah S9

“The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell he was lost!” - Hester S7

“Oh, sweet. Almost anything. Castiel? He’s dead. All the way dead. Because of you.” - Miriam S13

“And then you’d kill the angel, Castiel. Now that one, that I suspect would hurt something awful.” - Cain S10

“He should know this- Lucifer, his favorite, isn’t doing so well. Say nothing of the vessel, your friend Castiel.” - Amara S11

“I’m gonna cure you of your human weakness, the same way I cured my own. By cutting it out.” - Isham S12

Bonus: Dean to Sam about Garth’s baby Castiel- Dean: “This Cas keeps looking at me weird.” Sam: “So kinda like the real Cas.”

It is time and again that opposing forces recognize the relationship between Dean and Castiel, and it’s commented on and used against them frequently.

As we move forward to the angels falling and human Castiel, this season opens up with dean in the hospital with a very ill Sam. The first thing he does before contacting anyone else is pray to Castiel. There’s a moment in 9x03 where Castiel walks into a church and speaks with a woman there. He expresses his lack of faith and she says, “I guess that’s why we pray. You need something stronger than yourself.” Dean never prayed until he started praying to Cas. He prayed to Cas during the apocalypse, in purgatory, when Sam was sick during the trials, now in this hospital. Dean might not have faith in God, but he does in Cas.

Castiel is human, and while Dean tears apart the grid trying to find him while angels are on Cas’ ass, he still watches him die, then has to kick him from the safety of the bunker the very same day. Up until this point, Cas has been a genuine part of their family regardless of their squabbles over the past months, but kicking him from the bunker damages that. Once the reasoning comes to light, however, Cas is forgiving immediately. He’d forgiven Dean even before that. That’s one thing about Cas that Dean never seems to get over either. Dean can get angry and take things out on him, kick him from the bunker, make stupid decisions and nearly kill himself, holler at him, blame him, but Cas comes back every time. He forgives him every time. It’s already overwhelming when Sam does this, but the ease at which Castiel consistently forgives Dean is a lot.

Dean gets the Mark of Cain. It’s a means to an end, he says. When he becomes a demon as a result, this is when his relationship with Crowley is deepened. This relationship is an interesting one because it’s essentially an unrequited example. Dean likes Crowley, and when he’s a demon he has a good time, but Crowley’s feelings appear to go much deeper- even if he tries not to show it.

It is very possible that Dean and Crowley’s relationship is a formation more as a result of a joke than anything else- where the writers are concerned. But whether that was the intention or not, this is a relationship that continues to affect Crowley’s actions towards Dean for the rest of the series. He doesn’t let Dean kill innocents as he’s a demon, he saves Castiel from certain death as his grace drains, he gives Sam the information to find Dean so he can be cured, and he aids in getting the mark removed from Dean even as Sam attempts to kill him in the process. In return, Dean gives Crowley the benefit of the doubt more often, and they share a sort of mutual respect. What differs here, however, from Dean’s relationships with Benny or Castiel, is Dean’s actions. It is clear that Dean doesn’t feel as deeply as Crowley does, so this is an interesting relationship to compare side by side with the others.

Not only this, but DeanxCrowley in these first few episodes can be seen as a parallel with CasxHannah. Two unreciprocated relationships which do not last long in this particular phase, but do result in a friendship within these pairings as time goes on.

Still with the Mark of Cain, Dean and Cain have a few things in common. Cain had said that his wife, Colette, before she died had asked him to stop. Stop the killing. It’s several months after that that Dean is going off the rails and Cas, behind Dean as he’s walking away, asks Dean to stop. He nearly kills Cas then, almost fulfilling Cain’s words just weeks earlier: “And then you’ll kill the angel, Castiel. And that, I suspect, would hurt something awful.” This is a direct romantic parallel written into the show.

When the darkness is released, Amara and Dean are immediately drawn to one another through some sort of connection as a remnant of the mark. This relationship is another interesting one, because it ties in to true desire and consent. Dean is drawn to her, yes, and she is sold as a sort of potential love interest this season, but Dean himself doesn’t want anything to do with her. He’s hypnotized when he’s around her, but as soon as he’s away this energy dissipates.

So in light of this storyline let’s talk about consent and the sexualization of Dean Winchester for a second, shall we?

Dean is an often highly sexualized individual. He plays along more in his younger days, but the older he gets the more frustrated he becomes with the whole situation. I’m sure there are more but here are some tentative examples (This is also something that happens to Sam a decent amount as well.):

Wendy at the psych ward in “Sam, Interrupted” kisses Dean

Pamela touching Dean’s inner thigh in “Lazarus Rising”

Ezra in “Time After Time” kisses Dean without consent

Gets turned into a vampire because he’s “pretty”

Pamela in “Dark Side of the Moon” kisses Dean

Almost becomes a vessel for Sandy’s mate in “The Thing” because she “enjoys looking at his face”

Amara kisses Dean in “O’ Brother Where Art Thou”

Mildred gropes Dean’s leg in “Into the Mystic” and continually makes advances even tho he’s uncomfortable.

Random girl slaps Dean’s ass in “The Last Call”

Ellie in S8 wants to sleep with Dean and even kisses him randomly

Meg kisses Dean as he’s being held against his will in “Sympathy for the Devil”

Granted, there aren’t a plethora of examples, but it’s still a lot and it is interesting to see how often Dean has been sexualized for someone else’s pleasure. It is bound to work into his characterization as well, and his sense of self-worth. He’s often described as the pretty one of the brothers, and seeing as he is the more promiscuous of the two, it is assumed that he welcomes all of or most of the attention that comes his way.

It is for this reason in particular that the situation with Amara is bothersome to me. Not only is Dean taken advantage of physically, but his mind is essentially hypnotized whenever she is near, not giving him total control over his actions or desires. Amara is in part meant to be sold as a romantic interest, but throughout the season Dean continually expresses his discontent. He’s even ashamed to admit these feelings to Sam and Cas, even though he knows it isn’t his fault he still feels responsible. (Which, if we think about it, this is could be a queer allegory too. The lack of choice, feeling shame, etc.)

What is notable, however, is the day that they attempt to capture Lucifer and speak to Cas to get him to expel Lucifer from his body. Amara makes a surprise appearance and captures Lucifer/Cas herself. Dean yells to Cas. This catches Amara’s attention and appears to confuse her, and even Lucifer, seeing as when Dean is around her he’s meant to have eyes for just her because of their “bond”. His link to Castiel appears to be stronger, however.

Amara uses this connection between Cas and Dean when she wishes to contact Dean, simply by placing her hand over Castiel’s heart. She says to Dean, “If you should cross paths, if (god) should reach out to you, he should know this - Lucifer, his favorite, isn’t doing so well. Say nothing of the vessel, your friend Castiel.”

If we backtrack a moment, Dean finding out that Castiel is possessed in the first place is a very emotional time for Dean. He doesn’t want to accept that Cas would make such a decision, put himself in that kind of danger, and choose to leave once again. Sam, the arguably more rational thinker at this current time, tries to rationalize that Cas may not come back willingly since he chose to let Lucifer in. “Not possible.” Dean says. It’s simply not possible that Cas doesn’t want to come back to them. It’s not something he can accept.

The next several episodes are begun with Dean either losing sleep trying to figure out what to do about Cas, or simply moping about. Sam has to comfort him each time. This is notable behavior as well, because Dean isn’t often one to wear his heart on his sleeve this frequently. Certainly he has his moments, but much of the time when he’s distressed he simply buries it all down and puts up a front. He doesn’t do that here. In fact, once they do begin to put together a plan with Crowley, Sam thinks they should still utilize Lucifer in the fight against Amara but thinks it’s foolish to move him into a new vessel.

((I actually counted up the mopey Dean scenes- between finding out Cas is possessed, to getting Cas back.))

There are four convos with Sam (multiple episodes) where Sam has to comfort Dean and say something along the lines of “we’ll get him back.” (Just as an aside, I don’t think there has ever been a scene in the series where Dean comforted Sam about Cas, it’s always Sam having to comfort a freaking out Dean)

Then, of course, there’s the scene where Dean comforts a victim and she says “I watched the man I love die. There’s no normal after that.”

There’s the “It’s not an ‘it,’ Sam. It’s Cas.” scene.

There’s Dean trying to get through to Cas when they capture Lucifer.

There’s the Dean yelling “Cas?” to Casifer when Amara is in the room.

There’s two more scenes where Sam comforts Dean again.

There’s “The Chitters” episode with the gay hunter couple. (This isn’t a direct relation, but more of an honorable mention because it seems abstractly relevant)

Amara connecting to Dean through Cas’ heart.

Dean freaking out about making it to Cas in time and again talking to Sam about it.

Dean asking “what about Cas?” as they’re planning the attack with God against Amara.

Someone has said once that you can tell that Dean is in love with Cas because Sam isn’t. It’s in moments like this that this becomes readily apparent. Yes, Sam cares about Cas, of course. But it’s just different than the way that Dean cares about Cas. When Dean cares about certain people, this love weaves into the very fabric of his being and he just feels it so completely and overwhelmingly, he can’t simply not fight for it.

“Dean, it’s a strong vessel, it’s held Cas for years, and we know what he’s been through.” Sam says.

“It? It’s not an ‘it,’ Sam. It’s Cas.”

Dean appears almost shocked that these words would pass through Sam’s mouth. He’s confused that Sam wouldn’t fight for Cas just as much as Dean would. The type of love they each have for the angel is just different. Visually, action-wise, reaction-wise. This conversation in “Hell’s Angel” highlights that.

You know what else highlights it? The fact that when they do trap Lucifer, it’s only Dean who gets through to Cas and talks to him to get him to come back and expel Lucifer. It’s Cas only seeking Dean’s forgiveness in S7 when putting the souls back in Purgatory. It’s Dean in S6 being the only one to defend Cas in “The Man Who Would Be King.” It’s Dean later in that same episode being the one to get through to Cas in the circle of holy fire. It’s “I did it, all of it, for you.” It’s Dean carrying around that trenchcoat for a year and mourning when Sam doesn’t. It’s Bobby checking in on Dean mourning Cas, but doesn’t check in with Sam about it. It’s Sam pulling Dean out of the apocalypse world in season 12 as Dean screams for Cas and physically fights against Sam to get to Cas. It’s Sam seeing Cas dead on the ground minutes later, but still able to walk away while Dean is frozen in place, frozen in shock. It’s Dean being the only one to wrap up Cas’ dead body. It’s Sam always having to reassure Dean that Cas is probably fine, whenever he goes missing for a little while. It’s Dean hardly able to function in S13 with this encompassing grief over Cas’ death and yelling “It got him dead! Now you might be able to forget about that, but I can’t.” It’s S15 when Rowena tells Dean and Cas to fix their quarrel before it’s too late, and later Dean in purgatory not sure of it is too late as he’s praying for Cas to be okay and crying against a tree.

Sam’s reactions are important to take into account. Sam cares, yes, but Cas isn’t as wholly encompassing in his life as he is in Dean’s. If anything else is to prove that, it’s the way that Dean grieves (I mean, if you were to put Sam in Dean’s place in 15x09 in Purgatory and their fight, there’s no way that Sam would react this extremely).

There are three different points to highlight Dean’s grief. The first is season 7 with the trenchcoat, which we’ve already talked about. The second is when Cas is possessed by Lucifer, which we have covered as well. The most damning, however, is Dean’s season 13 grief arc following Cas’ death. Dean also loses his mother during this time and a few other friends, but considering how he reacts when Cas comes back, a great amount of this grief has to do with Cas. Dean completely loses hope and faith in anything at all during this time. He hates Jack for giving Cas false hope and getting him killed. He doesn’t believe in their mission anymore. He doesn’t believe anything matters at all. “Right now, I don’t believe in a damn thing.” Dean admits to Sam. When Cas comes back from the dead, however, he pulls a complete 180. He has hope again. He has faith. And all of it begins with Cas.

Lastly, Dean never hooks up with anyone again after Castiel’s final resurrection. We can go through an outline of the steady decline of Dean’s hookups and relations outside of Cas as the decade goes, but during this three year window specifically, Dean’s only pairing is Cas. Sure, he might flirt with someone every now and again, but this never goes anywhere. (Arguably the person he flirts with the most in any episode in these final three seasons is Daphne, but idk if that even counts much considering she is a cartoon.) And as Pamela says once in Rocky’s bar: “Besides, you don’t want me. You just like to flirt. I’m psychic so I kinda know.” And that was just in Dean’s head anyways so it’s probably even more true than had Pamela actually said it herself.

When Jack comes in the picture in season 13, and Castiel comes back from the dead, this makeshift little family is formed. All three men act as father figures to this half-angel kid at different capacities, and amongst this dynamic another is formed a bit further between Dean and Cas. They’ve already been acting a bit as an old married couple in recent years (Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets, anyone?) but this co-parenting scenario they’ve found themselves in has solidified this dynamic all the more as they collaborate on the issues that arise with Jack. In “Lebanon” when John Winchester comes back for a brief period, John even says to Dean that he’d hoped he would get a family someday and get out of hunting and such. Dean replies, “I have a family.” Sam, Cas, and Jack are his family. Cas has been family for a long time, but here and now Dean just isn’t looking for anything else or anything normal. He’s happy with himself and the people he’s surrounded by. He’s not looking for anything else or anyone else.

For a change of perspective, let’s check out Castiel’s relationships over the years.

Unlike Dean, Castiel’s queerness and interest in Dean has been officially canonized. We can speculate all we want on the legitimacy of Dean’s love for Cas, but we can speak in certainties about Castiel. Castiel is in love with Dean Winchester. Speculation can come in when we consider, just how long has this love existed for him? Let’s start from the beginning.

Right off the bat when we meet Castiel, he’s a semi-emotionless soldier of heaven who works under strict orders and doesn’t have much free-will. Dean begins to change this. We can see even in their first couple encounters that Castiel is interested in Dean- in what he has to say, intrigue in the fact that Dean talks back to the angels (despite that these angels are unkillable beings and could smite him on the spot), the fact that he’s snarky and brave and questions everything. Where Uriel finds Dean annoying and blasphemous, Castiel finds the back-talk fascinating. Dean’s words impact Cas, and it’s not long before he starts to have doubts about Heaven. Following these orders blindly and unquestioningly starts to seem foolish when Dean puts things in a different perspective.

Even after Cas undergoes what some have funnily dubbed “conversion therapy” in “The Rapture” (when Cas had finally decided on going against Heaven and to help Dean stop the apocalypse) it’s still not enough to stop him completely. A bit more time with Dean and he’s convinced yet again to help this one human man stop the apocalypse with his brother. He even dies for him and this new mission of his.

Castiel throughout this first season is interesting because we see firsthand his struggle to understand beginning to feel emotions and accept thinking for himself. “For the first time, I feel...” He says to Anna. He wants her to tell him what to do. He wants orders because that’s all he knows, and he doesn’t understand why suddenly he cares. It hurts him to send Dean in to torture Alastair. It hurts him even later when in the beautiful room Dean dismisses him with a “What do you care, you’re already dead. We’re done.”

It’s possible that in these first several months, or even these first couple seasons, that Castiel follows Dean around and does as he asks because he’s allotted Dean as the new being he serves. Because serving is what he knows. But it’s also through this that he begins caring more and more. He learns more how to express certain emotions, he learns more about humanity, he learns more about what is important in life and what is worth fighting for. As Cas will admit himself 12 years later, “Ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell... Knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack... I cared about the whole world because of you.”

We start to see sprinkles of this especially throughout season 5 as Cas begins to come to terms with caring and adopting Dean’s mindset to care. Consider Sam for a moment. He and Cas don’t necessarily get along a lot and mostly just tolerate one another in these early days. However, as we see in “Abandon All Hope” when Castiel is captured by Lucifer, Cas gets visually upset at the concept of Lucifer taking Sam as his vessel. “You are not taking Sam Winchester. I won’t let you.”

Sam and Cas don’t have much of a relationship at this point, but Cas cares because Dean does. In “The Song Remains the Same” not long later, he even refers to Sam as his friend.

By the time S6 rolls around Castiel is in the midst of a civil war in heaven entirely because he has adopted the Winchester’s all encompassing mindset on the importance of free-will. Castiel is making his own choices, and he does everything he can to protect the Winchesters from harm as he does so. He decides not to seek out Dean’s help while he’s raking leaves because Dean had already sacrificed too much in Castiel’s eyes. He raises Sam from perdition because he feels it the right thing to do. He re-sinks the Titanic to keep the boys from being killed by Fate.

Personally, I think Castiel has been slowly falling in love with Dean this entire time, he’s just not aware what this feeling is. But this becomes even more plausible to me when we get Castiel’s perspective in “The Man Who Would Be King.” Cas cares what Bobby and Sam think of him, sure, but all he focuses on is Dean. Dean’s happiness and ensuring he not sacrifice more. Dean’s loyalty even as Cas seems to be guilty. Dean’s words when they capture Cas in holy fire.

The problem is, their relationship this season is also rocky. Cas seems to think that he’s merely a tool at the Winchester’s disposal and not much else. But he doesn’t mind because he cares about them so much, so what do his feelings matter? He sees himself as their protector. Their guardian angel. A role he’s fine with filling regardless of how they feel in return.

But when things get bad, Dean says to him “Next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest things I have to family. You are like a brother to me. So if I’m asking you not to do something... You’ve gotta trust me, man.” and Cas seems genuinely surprised at this admission. Emotional, even.

As time goes on, Castiel’s actions nearly primarily revolve around Dean

After Cas realizes his error and is sending the purgatory souls back to their place, he tells Dean repeatedly that he’ll find some way to redeem himself to him. That’s the most important thing to him then.

When Cas smites the demons outside of the mental hospital in 7x17, all of his flashes of memories coming back were memories of Dean.

Partially to aid Sam and partially to redeem himself to Dean, Cas takes on Sam’s Hell brain in the asylum and goes crazy.

Cas runs in purgatory to keep the leviathans away from Dean.

Cas breaks out of Naomi’s mind control/brainwashing because of his feelings for Dean.

Let’s talk about that final bullet point for a moment. The Naomi chapter is damning in “Goodbye Stranger.” It isn’t copies of both Sam and Dean that Naomi trains Castiel to kill hundreds upon hundreds of times. No, it’s ONLY clones of Dean.

“What broke the connection?” Dean will ask after Castiel heals him in the crypt and takes control back over his mind. “I don’t know.” Cas will say. It wasn’t the angel tablet. That may have unwound the last of Naomi’s control over him, yes, but he’d dropped that angel blade before that. It was Dean that broke that connection. Even if this remains unsaid, it doesn’t make it any less true. Maybe Castiel starts to have an understanding of what his feelings are and what they mean here, but he won’t be truly sure until he soon becomes human.

Before we get there, though, we’ll take a brief pause to explore Cas’ heterosexual explorations and connections.

First is Meg. Cas’ relationship with Meg is born of sexual exploration more than anything else at its conception. He’d just been watching porn in his downtime and when Meg kisses him, he goes with it enthusiastically. Later, he seems to have a certain infatuation with her in his “crazy” state, and seems to trust her perhaps simply because she had been watching over him in the institution.

This is interesting because in his “crazy” state, Cas is a lot more raw and unfiltered and optimistic than he ever has been before. He compliments her, is concerned with her safety, and trusts her. On the contrary, with Dean, Cas is a lot more hesitant and even fearful when talking about certain subjects with him because of his past failings. He tries to keep the peace without directly getting involved because his direct involvement in the past had failed them all so spectacularly.

He and Meg continue to have a sort of connection whenever they cross paths until her demise the next season, and he still holds a respect for her years later, continuing to use her nickname for him “Clarence” as an alias at various times.

When Castiel becomes human in S9, he’s a bit lost and overwhelmed. April takes him in for the night. Although this is a short-lived romance considering she tortures and kills him the next day, for a brief enough time Cas starts to become acquainted with human romance and sexual desire. He loses his virginity to her. It is estimated by some that this is merely sexual experimentation on the part of a very confused newly human Cas, and others have used this to say that Cas is not gay but pan or bi. The conclusion in any regard, in my opinion, is purely up to the viewer.

If I’m to offer my opinion, however, seeing as he has shown interest in both sexes, though remains unlabeled, I consider him simply an unlabeled queer person. Sexual identity and orientation has never seemed to matter much to Castiel, so I don’t see why it should matter to me. He loves who he loves, simple as that.

When we get to Hannah, she provides an interesting foil to Castiel for a time, and an emphasizing expression on just how much he’s changed since his introduction to Earth and the Winchesters. Where Castiel has been open to a plethora of new emotions and experiences through the years which have made him a bit more human than angel at times, Hannah is still new to humanity and the range and movement of emotions that come with it. Just how little she seems to understand proves how much Castiel has grown and does understand by comparison.

As such, he seems to pick up on the fact that Hannah has an attachment to him that appears to be forming into a romantic or sexual interest. He gently turns her down multiple times, not expressing interest in her behavior although he does respect her greatly as a person. Though this relationship isn’t considered romantic from Castiel’s perspective, its unrequited nature again is a good parallel to Dean and Crowley’s relationship at this same time. Angel x Angel and Demon x Demon. Both one sided.

Now, let’s get back to Dean.

Up to the point that Castiel turns human, for however brief a time, he finally gets a look behind the curtain of human emotion. Now, we all know that Cas is in love with Dean already here- and probably has been for some time. Years, even- but it’s my personal belief that during this time turning human is when he actually realizes it and understands where these emotions come from.

Maybe it’s the heartbreak of Dean kicking him from the bunker, maybe it’s seeing Dean again when he shows up in line at the Gas n Sip, or maybe it’s somewhere in between when he sees two people on the street looking at each other and realizes “oh, that’s love. I know what that is. I felt that, too.” And every moment from then on he realizes what that feeling was in his chest when he looked at Dean for a little too long, or why it hurt so much to see the pain in Dean’s eyes at something Cas had done, or why hearing Dean’s prayers to him just felt different than they did with Sam’s. Why everything that he’d done since he rebelled from heaven was in the name of doing the right thing, muddled alongside doing the right thing for Dean. Caring because of Dean. Caring for Dean.

It’s during this time when he realizes what these feelings are, that he also must come to terms with the fact that they’re unreciprocated (or as he believes, anyway). This is for two reasons. The first, he still believes at this time that Dean kicked him from the bunker just because. And the second, if there’s anything that Cas took to heart from Dean’s example as strongly as the concept of free-will, it’s self-loathing. He doesn’t see himself worthy of love. Dean doesn’t see himself worthy of love either. They’re both messy piles of self-loathing that breeds into a blindness to the depth of care they hold for one another.

Now that we’re on the topic of self-loathing, this leads into Castiel and his decision to become Lucifer’s vessel in season 11. Much like Dean, Cas has a consistent issue with seeing his own personal self-worth, so when the opportunity comes along to “be of service to the fight” and become Lucifer’s vessel, he takes it on easily. He considers himself expendable, and he won’t see just how much Dean struggles with this fact while he’s possessed. In fact, Cas never knows just how much Dean struggles with his absence at all, which is just one of the many divides between the two of them that could easily be resolved with communication, if either were ever good at that.

Once Lucifer is shoved from Cas’ body, however, Dean makes a point to let Cas know just how important he is in his life. He’s said Cas was family before, but that was before the falling out at the end of season 6. Dean makes it clear that he and Sam both consider Cas family, once again, during a ride in Baby. “You’re our brother, Cas. I want you to know that.”

Now, here, simultaneous heartbreak and love occur. Because while Cas is likely very much in love with Dean here, and very much aware of it, to hear that Dean simply thinks of him as a brother must ache a bit. However, we’re also talking about Dean Winchester, and for him to call someone a brother is an immense depth of love, probably the most the man is even capable of. Dean never says the words “I love you” to anyone, so this is about the closest anyone could get. Cas knows this, he’s well-versed in the ways of Dean Winchester by now. So, while it aches, his heart is also full.

Comparable to:

“We need you, Cas. I need you.” 8x17

“We’re gonna shove your ass back through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us.” 8x05

“Don’t make me lose you, too.” 7x23

“Don’t do anything stupid”

The entire purgatory confession/apology prayer in 15x09

Cas returns this love just hours later, offering to go with Dean to die taking out Amara.

If we jump forward to the divorce arc of season 14-15, we can hit upon the next great heartbreak of Castiel’s sad little love life. While the Winchester brothers, Castiel, and Jack have all become a family unit, Castiel never wants to lose that. But two things happen. First, Cas’ deal with The Empty is made, and somewhere along the line, silently, he becomes aware that allowing himself to be happy, and that happiness, somehow involves Dean. The second thing that happens is Jack kills Mary Winchester, and Dean says Castiel is dead to him.

So, The Empty won’t take him, but his family is broken apart. Castiel never gives up on a single family member, though. That’s the thing about Cas. The same way he consistently forgives Dean for all his behaviors over the years, he never loses faith in anyone in this family. And when they come to reunite, he’s happy simply in appreciating any and all time they have together, however brief.

Then, in true Castiel fashion, he sacrifices himself for Dean Winchester in 15x18.

Their relationship has always left things unsaid, but I don’t think there’s ever been a question on whether Dean loves Cas or Cas loves Dean even if they don’t talk about it. You can’t look at Cas and Dean’s faces seeing each other again for the first time in weeks at the end of “The Last Call” and say that there wasn’t love and heartbreak there. On some level I think that Cas knew that Dean loved him back, but Dean was so buried in trauma at that point that it might take him years more to realize what he actually felt and what he needed. But Cas is such a selfless lover that he was absolutely 100% fine with just being around Dean for the rest of his life, even if he never got a chance to tell him how much he genuinely cared for him, and never got that reciprocation back. Castiel’s love for Dean is so pure and selfless it’s overwhelming to even consider, but for someone like Dean it would be a hundred times harder to accept or even fathom someone caring about him as much as Cas does.

So Castiel never pushes Dean further, never suggests, barely even touches him. The only liberties Cas takes are small touches to heal him (even though he doesn’t need to touch a person to heal them), a few small hugs through the years, just sharing comfortable space inside the impala, small moments watching Dean’s favorite movies with him, or sharing a moment over beers in the kitchen. And Cas’ happiness was in telling Dean how much he loved him likely because then maybe Dean would actually see how much he was worth. Cas wanted Dean to know how much he loved him and how he viewed him, because Dean deserved to love himself and was worthy of it.

The five types of love languages are as follows:

Words of affirmation

Physical touch

Gift giving

Acts of Service

Quality Time

One of the reasons Dean and Cas miss the mark with one another so often could simply come down to love languages. A lot of the time, what a person needs in love language is often what they also give. I don’t think this is the case where these two are concerned, though. They’re both so sacrificial that it’s difficult for them to accept this in return, even though this is what they each offer to the other and anyone else around them.

Both Cas and Dean’s giving love language is “acts of service” which translates into sacrificial actions much of the time, though it can also be more domestic than that as well. It’s Dean grabbing an extra beer for Cas or making food, or it’s Cas healing Dean without any prompting, Cas loading up on pie and beer at the Gas n Sip when Dean’s mad at him.

What they each need, however, is different. Dean needs “quality time.” He needs his people close, he needs them to answer calls, and he needs to know where they are. This clearly ties in to his abandonment issues, and it hurts his relationship with Cas significantly when the angel just keeps leaving, or disappears without answering his phone for days at a time. And when he dies, obviously. He always comes back, though. And half the time when he’s gone it’s because he’s trying to get a win for Dean against whatever issue the team is facing at the time.

What Cas needs, best I can tell, is “words of affirmation.” Cas has a consistent problem with thinking that he’s worth less than he is, and is less important to the people around him than he is. Dean obviously has this issue, too, but with Cas it’s somehow infinitely worse, if that’s even possible. Frequently, what he needs to get him going in low points is a few words from Dean or encouragement in general. To name a few:

“Maybe to fix it.” 7x17

“I’d rather have you, cursed or not.” 7x23, Cas then goes with Dean to find and kill Dick Roman

“I’m not leaving here without you.” S8 in purgatory when Cas wanted Dean to leave him behind but Dean was having none of it.

“You’re our brother, Cas.” 11x23, after Cas was possessed by Lucifer and thought he was expendable.

Over time, Dean does get a bit more vocal with Cas about issues he’s having or just with encouraging words as well. Cas, too, sticks around a lot more. They’re not perfect but they do begin to grow and work with one another in these later years to give one another what they need most to see how much the other is loved.

In conclusion, there is a significant amount of romance and sexuality written into this show, and simply interpreted as well. And that’s the thing, when a queer person says that they interpreted a certain piece of media as queer, it’s not up to someone else to say that they can’t, or shouldn’t, or that they’re interpreting something wrong. That’s the thing about media, it can have so many different interpretations and meanings to so many different people.

It’s my personal interpretation to see the queerness embedded in the text here. Maybe it’s not there for another person, and that’s cool too, just don’t tell me how I should see it. The fact is that it was written into the show to be interpreted, and interpret is what we did.

I’d love to hear any feedback that others may have regarding this. Any other theories, different interpretations, things I may have missed. I hope you enjoy the edits, and the endings I put together for them. We all need a little bit of happiness after that ending, so I hope it leaves you with a lighter heart. :)

Much love,

Taylor

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