#it's hard. How do you cope when you Know there's no purpose to the pain...to all this suffering. It was all for nothing. Why continue?

[flintbian]

Well. The light show was a bust. RIP

[34saveme34]

Sever the Ties - another smg34 fic by yours truly

[Very excited to post this !!

CW: obviously angst, self harm (mainly once), in general a lot of death mentions, no actual deaths though

word count: 11243

Although SMG3 didn't like it when 4 helped him, he convinced him through endless whining to help clean the cafe after the chaos his USB caused (Why does that sound familiar?).

It took the whole day, both were way too exhausted. 3 sat down on one of the chairs guests would usually sit on. A lot of emotions were boiling in him.

“Whew, we’re done, finally!” 4 exclaimed, stretching his arms after completing such a grueling task.

“You didn't need to help” 3 said, contempt dripping off his words. But he was still holding back.

“It's my fault so I kind of did”

3 just sighed and got up, not wanting to further engage in conversation.

4 looked confused, but also upset.

“Dude! Not even a thanks?” he pouted

3 looked back at him, a sort of coldness in his eyes 4 didn't like to be subjected to.

“Thanks for fixing your own mistake. Now scram” he didn't yell, but he wasn't exactly calm either.

“I’m sorry… it wasn't on purpose I promise I… I hope you can forgive me, 3” 4 pleaded, looking 3’s way, his big eyes reflecting off all the sorrow he was feeling about the situation. 3 looked away but that face already made an impression on his mind. It was hard to stay mad at him.

“I know…” his voice was so gentle “This is just how it is with you sometimes, isn't it?” 3 joked, looking back at 4. 4 frowned.

“But! It shouldn't be… I’ve gotta make it up for you somehow…”

“Please don't…” 3 whined.

“I promise it's gonna be good!” 4 gave him a double thumbs up, as he left with an excited grin. 3 could feel a plan cooking up in 4’s brain, there was no way to stop him.

He shook his head, chuckling to himself.

“What did I do to deserve this?” he spoke to himself, with a stupid grin he couldn't wipe off. As he was trying to cope with the idea that 4 could ruin him further, he felt his furry son greeting him by nuzzling his foot.

“Hey there, boy!” as if he was absolved of all worry, he lifted Eggdog in his arms, hugging him. He earned excited barks for it.

“At least I have you” he petted him then put him down. He still felt kind of bittersweet.

He left to his evil lair, and immediately hit the bed. He felt too emotionally unavailable for the shower right now. The bathroom in general. Walking by the mirror in there simply made him feel dread. He didn't think he could develop such a repulsion towards his own image. His whole living place kind of became hell for him for this reason.

He couldn't sleep, it just wasn't working. He got up. His clock read 2 AM. He sighed. Something was on his mind.

“I should get rid of them…” he stared at the statue of himself. Every second that passed as he stared at it, he felt he couldn't even get out of his own merch’s shadows. It all made him feel sick. He got up, and started throwing out everything that used his likeness. All the plushies, cardboard standees and other merch he still had on hand. Not the statue, not yet. He had something special for that.

He put all the merch in a pile and lit it all on fire. It was sad to see but he felt relieved in some way as well. They had been haunting him for weeks at that point. Although the amount of money he spent on these was kinda sad to see go. Just another financial mistake of his, these felt common for him at this point. And it started so well too, with how much he got his hopes up, he plummeted that hard. He barely even realised he started to cry. He wiped his eyes, trying to compose himself but he only started crying more, and not so softly anymore. His breathing wasn't calm either, his brain felt like melting. So much pain in him, trying to turn him into nothing. He looked up at the sky, wondering where he could have gone wrong.

It took him a bit to calm down. He was glad that everyone was probably asleep at this point. The sadness slowly turned into twisted anger. He got up, walking up and down beside his fucked up bonfire, trying to calm himself.

“What did I even do to deserve this? I’ve been trying so hard- I went through so much! I thought I worked enough on myself to have a good life now” he stared up at the sky, as if he expected the stars to have an answer. But they were deadly silent.

“GOD DAMN IT, GIVE ME A REASON” he screamed, still staring up, as if blaming some sort of god for the way he was now. He was once again crying. He harshly sat down. It hurt but at least he wasn't only feeling his emotions that way. The thought made him stop, as he slowly looked to the fire, perhaps bad things forming in his brain. The more he looked at it, the more the fire made an impression on his brain. The way it was so strong, going up but dissipating soon too. It kind of reminded him of himself. Would anyone miss him if he became one with the fire?... Or  was he too much of a coward? He pulled off one of his gloves, his expression still wore sadness. He pulled his sleeve slightly up, not wanting it to catch fire. He reached in. It was kind of overwhelming. His mind felt empty from the pain. He pulled back suddenly as the pain really settled in him,even if it hadn’t been there for that long, crying out again. He couldn't believe it, he was crying again… Why was he such a failure?

“...3?” he heard a soft voice come from behind him, all too familiar. His heart sank. He couldn't look.

“...3! What… What's wrong?” the voice came closer, it seemed he was not getting off the hook with this one.

“Why are you here?” 3 spoke, his voice was strained from the crying.

“I couldn't sleep because of our link… I could feel something was wrong…” 4 kneeled down beside 3, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. 3 wasn't sure how to feel. His hand was hurt. It hurt so fucking much. Why did he have to be so fucking stupid?

4 grabbed his burnt hand. But he didn't say a thing. He was gentle too, he could see how much it hurt. 4 sighed softly and pulled 3 up.

“Wait, what the hell are you doing??” 3 tried to get away, pulling himself from 4’s grip.

“I want to help. This can't continue”

3 stared at him, so many thoughts attacking him. He felt awful.

“Like you could do anything, dipshit!”

4 was about to look offended but visibly held back.

“If you let me, I can. Please, 3… You know I care about you, right? It's awful to see you like… like this” he grabbed 3’s shoulder firmly, once again beginning to pull him back.

3 sighed.

“You won't let me go, huh?”

“Never ever” 4 smiled at 3, trying to be hopeful. 3 cared too… He really did.

4 took him inside then searched around everywhere he could to find something to treat 3’s burns. As he looked around, that's when he realised all the merch was missing. Their absence made him feel kind of uneasy. He thought for a bit then called Meggy.

“It's 4 in the morning” she sounded upset.

4 went outside, leaving 3 alone inside the cafe. 3 looked his way, but he didn't feel like going after him.

He was on the phone for a bit, probably about a few minutes. 3 didn't go outside but still stared the entire time. 4 came back inside after putting his phone away.

“I called Meggy, she has stuff for your burns”

3 frowned.

“You didn't need to-”

“What were you doing anyways?”

3 looked down, not wanting to look at 4 as he said those next few words.

“Burning merch”

4 was shocked. That's when he put together that what he saw then was all the merch burning.

“What?... What for?” 4 sounded so sad. It killed 3. He wished he could smile at him again.

“No one wanted them anyways, and I hated staring at them only catch dust”

“Still… I… has it really been this bad?”

“I’m surprised you didn't notice…. Then again, you're not exactly best at catching on things”

“Hey I-...” 4 looked down “I guess you're right”

Neither looked at the other. The tension…

Meggy stepped inside the cafe, which got both out of their sudden silence.

“Hey, guys, I brought some burn ointments, I came as soon as I could!”

“Why do you have it anyways?” 3 asked.

“You never know when you might need it!... And my time in the kitchen often leaves me with burns-”

“Fair enough” 4 commented, nodding. It made sense, Meggy is a shitty ass cook. 

4 and Meggy treated 3. 3 was kind of glad they stopped questioning why this even happened. He really really didn't want to talk about it.

“So” 4 started. Oh no.

“What?” 3 didn't dare look at either of them, playing with the bandage they put on his hand.

“What's wrong, SMG3?” Meggy folded her arms, looking concerned. 

“He burnt his merch” 4 told Meggy since 3 was rather silent.

“What??” even she was shocked. 3 was starting to feel like an utter clown, this was torture.

“Yeah… and I feel like it's my fault…” 4’s voice was filled with sorrow. 3 perked up for that, staring at 4 with an expression that was hard to read. It slowly turned soft though.

“It's… not actually” 3 sighed. It was his own fault. 

“I-... I think I still want to help… especially because I think I found something that could help your business out”

3 looked at him confused and scared. Whatever was in this man’s mind could only lead to bad things.

4 took his phone out and showed a picture of a billboard. It had the number on it to call if you wanted to rent it.

3 looked at the picture. Back at 4. Back at the picture, back at 4. He tilted his head. Meggy looked confused as well.

“You could advertise like this!”

“4… I hate to break it to you but I don’t have that kind of money right now”

4 shook his head.

“I’ll pay for it!” 4 pumped a fist into the air cheerfully. He was serious about this.

3 went so wide eyed, not even sure what he was supposed to say.

“THAT’S A LOT OF MONEY, YOU IDIOT???”

“3’s right, 4… that’s a rather big commitment”

“I don’t mind it!”

“The fuck you mean you don’t mind it??” 3 was rather flustered now. The grand gesture proposed to him made him feel all sorts of things.

“I wanna make it up to you, 3… for all the times I had mistreated you” 4 put a hand on 3’s shoulder. 3 was so flustered he didn’t even know what to say anymore. He wasn’t used to being treated so special. 

“Damn, that’s so sweet of you 4, I wish you cared about me this much” Meggy teased 4, 4 didn’t seem to get what she was going for. She didn’t feel like elaborating. 

“Are you sure?” 3 finally got some words out. Didn’t mean he looked any less flustered though.

“Yeah! You deserve it, man!” he patted 3 on his back then pulled him close by the shoulder. It seemed 4 was rather touchy today. And Meggy started to feel awkward about third wheeling. 

“So, guys, I’m gonna go back to sleep now, you’re welcome for my help” she waved them goodbye quickly. It was so interesting to see the 2 get along in their own ways but she still felt like she was intruding on something she shouldn’t.

3 felt like he was left to succumb now that he was left alone with 4. He couldn’t believe that he wished for Meggy to stay longer.

It took everything in him but he just couldn’t… he couldn’t keep it in. He hugged 4. It took a bit but 4 hugged back. They were silent, the hug was long. He wasn’t exactly a fan of affection but 4 got the best of him. He couldn’t help it at this point. 

“You sure are affectionate today” 4 teased 3 softly.

“Not my fault”

“Heh… is it mine?” 4 grinned.

“Yeah yeah” 3 pulled 4 away gently “And now it’s over”

“Thanks, your hugs are nice”

“You do realise how that sounds, right?”

“Well… Sometimes you’re a little gay with the homies, right?” 4 joked. 3 facepalmed. 

“Whatever…”

They stood around for a bit before 4 spoke.

“Say… will you be able to sleep like this?”

3 didn’t even think of that. With the way he got, he almost thought today would be his last day.

“Uh… I don’t know, I probably just… won’t”

4 squinted at him, having none of his bad behaviour.

“No way”

The 2 stared at each other, 3 looking kind of angry, especially since 4 didn’t budge.

“What are you gonna do, beat me to sleep or some shit?” 

“No… That’s mean”

“It’s not like you would cuddle me to sleep-” 3 said. He already said it and he couldn’t take it back. The words he didn’t mean to just put out there but now 4 knew. He knew that 3 considered cuddling him to sleep.

“Not a bad idea… then in the morning we can start on preparing for that billboard!”

3 grew so red.

“I DIDN’T SAY I WANT TO”

“Then why did you bring it up?”

“And why are you so for it?”

4 blushed himself, now that he thought about it further… It was a pretty weird idea.

“This once?” 4 pleaded, with those loser puppy dog eyes. 3 sighed.

“Fine”

“Though… you should shower first”

“Being picky now, aren’t we?”

“I can help you with that too” 4 smiled, feeling kind of powerful that he could tease 3. He got slapped. He realised it was kind of deserved.

“Fine, I'll shower. Very VERY far from you”

“I was just joking! I swear!”

3 sighed and shook his head. He couldn’t believe he could be this close to this idiot.

3 showered and came back to 4 by his bed. It was kind of weird but he also sort of looked forward to it. In like a weird, twisted and awful way. He looked away from 4 to the statue he had of himself. It filled him with dread.

“Hey, 4, before we sleep… can you help me bring this out of here?” he pointed at the statue.

“Is it really necessary right now?”

“I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep with it around”

4 got up, guess there was no other way. They moved it out of the room together, although they had to take it apart a bit so they could fit it out of the door. For the night, they left it in the cafe lounge, he would worry about it later.

Now came the time to sleep. 3 got kind of flustered at 4 opening his arms for him to sleep there. He didn’t even let him go far away, keeping him close, as if he didn’t want to ever let him go… Only 4 knew that that thought was kind of accurate. It was so so uncomfortably comforting, 3 fell asleep pretty fast. If it wasn’t so weird, he’d ask to do this more.

Next day came by, 3 was slow to stir awake. He kind of didn’t feel like getting up. The warmth of 4 was a bit too nice… What the the fuck do you mean? Get yourself together! 3 wriggled himself out of 4’s hold and went to the bathroom to splash his face with water. He had to get himself together.

But man… He still missed it. How could he even cope with this?

He went back to his room and sat beside the still sleeping 4. He still couldn’t believe 4 just cuddled him last night. He thought he would never do something like that. It kind of intrigued him in a way. He wondered if he made this side of him trigger with what he did last night. He frowned, thinking of the possibility. He didn’t want to hurt 4. At least… he hoped he didn’t want to hurt 4. The idea made him kind of sick. 

He only realised how intensely he was staring at 4 when he woke up, his eyes meeting his own. He suddenly turned away, as if he hadn’t been looking at 4 for who knew how long at that point. 4 smiled about that, he was glad to see that 3 cared. Although he didn’t speak up about it… It was still too early for him. He lightly tugged on 3’s arm.

“What?” 3 looked at him unamused.

“Coffee?” 4 requested with one simple word.

3 just stared at him. 4 frowned.

“Pretty please”

3 rolled his eyes, he got up and went outside to make one for 4. 4 took that time to still relax in 3’s bed. He didn’t think it would be so nice sleeping beside 3. Although the idea was spontaneous and if the circumstances were different, he wouldn’t have done it… But his need to see 3 okay won him over like this. 

3 was brewing the coffee, while it was going, he phoned some dude up, apparently from the dark web. As soon as he put his phone down, a shady dude came out from the floor and took the disassembled statue, leaving a few coins behind for a fair trade. 3 picked them up. At least he could get a little money out of his sudden spring cleaning. 

3 went back down to 4 with the coffee, made to 4’s liking, he knew his taste pretty well at this point. Even if he didn’t have a lot of customers anymore, 4 would still come every once in a while. 

4 took the coffee, taking a sip, he hummed with delight.

“Great as always” 4 commented, drinking more of it. 3 was glad that even if his business was dying, he still managed to make banger coffee that 4 liked.

“Thanks”

“No no, thank YOU”

“Whatever, you’re welcome” 3 smiled, folding his arms.

“Hey… don’t you wanna come beside me” the warmth radiating off of 4 was quite beckoning.

“What would I for? Not like I have business with you”

4 deflated.

“You kinda do, considering what we talked about yesterday…” 4 pulled out his laptop “I guess you don’t want to save your business?” 

3 went wide eyed. He accepted defeat and sat beside 4. 

“So… we should probably put together your ad!” 4 exclaimed “Now I uh… I had this idea for a while… and I made some mock ups!” 4 said and opened up a folder that held a few images.

They weren’t exactly well drawn and 4 didn’t have the most legible writing. 3 often had to lean in close to see them. After looking at them all, he looked at 4 and chuckled.

“I see graphic design is your passion” he teased.

“I did this for you!”

“They look like shit”

“Nooo,,”

“What were you even trying to write here?” 3 opened one of the images back up.

“It’s-! I… I don’t remember? Ahaha” 4 laughed awkwardly. 3 rolled his eyes, somehow not believing this idiot could make himself look even less smart. 

“Let’s start this again…” 3 got up and brought back a pen tablet. 

“Didn’t know you had one of these”

“I got it not too long ago actually! It’s great to use” 3 took 4’s laptop in his own lap and plugged in his tablet.

“Uh-” 3 started “ do you mind if I download the software for it? It works better that way”

“Sure, go on… just don’t get me viruses!”

“I’m not as much of an idiot as you are!”

“You sure like grilling me today”

“It’s just what I do” 3 laughed. 

After he downloaded the software and set it up, he started to mock something up in ms paint, aka man’s best friend. Nobody does it like you, my dear, Microsoft paint!

It actually looked better than what 4 did, although the tablet definitely played a part in making it better. 4 noticed it was an advertisement for a job.

“You want to hire?” 4 pointed it out.

“Yeah… I think it would be the solution”

“Huh… wait” 4 inspected it more “That’s… not a lot of money for this kind of job”

3 frowned.

“I… I know but I can’t currently offer more”

“Man.. are you really that broke? You can come stay with me if you wa-”

“No way. Never”

“Okay…”

“You’re really obsessed with me…”

“I… I’m just worried about you… yesterday made me realise how I could easily lose you if I didn’t well… yeah”

3 shut up for a bit.

“... I was afraid you’d say that”

The 2 stayed silent for a bit. Lots of feelings around the 2.

“I’m honest though, man, I care a lot”

“I know already ugh just… yeah… I’m sorry, I should be glad you’re helping me”

4 chuckled.

“I’ll still take constructive criticism, but ONLY if you’re not too mean”

“I can try” 3 laughed.

They continue to perfect the ad. It turned out pretty pathetic in the end but at least it got the message across.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It had been a while since they put the ad out. The more time that passed, the more it felt futile. 3 felt worse than ever, not only did he have a dying business, he also had 4 spending so much money on him and for what? He felt like shit. It was hard to force himself to keep the cafe at least a little clean. And keeping up with daily routines had never been so hard either, as much as it was then. It was killing him from the inside. He wondered if it was even a good idea for him to move there and start this.

However each time he was slowly succumbing to the dark, 4 pulled him out and helped him. He sort of became an unofficial worker in a way. 3 hated that. Not only did he spend so much money on him, he also helped him around without asking for compensation. It made him feel weak, as even this much help didn’t pull him out of it.

It was especially an awful day. He didn’t even try to open the cafe, he just stayed in his room with the lights off. It had been weeks at this point and there still wasn’t anybody coming to help him out… He wished he could’ve done better. But maybe he was just destined to be a miserable shadow of someone better… 4, he was… great. 3 wished he had half the success. The jealousy in his brain had only been growing. He always tried to push it to the back of his mind for the sake of 4, he didn’t want to hurt him. 4 was too great for something like that. He didn’t want to further bury him in his own burden. 

“3? Are you in here?” he heard 4 call out to him from the elevator. He just couldn’t stay away from 3, no matter how many times it seemed reaching out to him wouldn't work out further.

“I’m fine” 3’s voice was muffled by the fact that he was underneath the covers, his face smothered in his pillow.

4 frowned as he walked up to 3’s bed. He sat beside 3. He hesitated for a bit but leaned down to hug 3. 3 didn’t want this… He loved it.

“3, c’mon man I’m…. I’m sure someone will answer your ad soon enough! It’s too early to give up”

“4… listen” 3 sat up, pushing 4 off of himself “I’m… I’ve failed. I don’t get why… you just don’t give up on me at this point. What’s the point of helping me if it doesn’t lead anywhere?”

4 could only stare shocked, not wanting to admit that those words were just uttered to him.

“You can’t say that…”

“I’m right, 4… I think it’s too late for me… just… just let me rot here”

“But… I don’t want to”

“Leave”

“3…”

“Why don’t you get it? It’s futile. I’m not worth it, 4. There’s so many better things and people you can put all this energy into”

“You’re.. you’re…” 4 was lightly shaking, he was really upset by that “You’re more…” tears slipped and streamed down his face.

“Look at you… I’m the reason you’re like this” 3 admitted “It.. genuinely might be better for you”

“WHY do you WANT ME TO STAY AWAY SO BADLY???” 4 got up, upset, crying, accusing, tired. Exhausted. 

“BECAUSE I DON’T DESERVE YOU AT ALL, YOU’RE STRUGGLING BECAUSE OF ME”

“I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO HELP FOR ONCE”

“IT WOULD HELP IF YOU LEFT ME ALONE”

“AND LET YOU ROT??” the tears wouldn’t stop coming, only becoming more intense.

“YES, IT’S WHAT I DESERVE”

“NO! NO! NO! NO IT’S NOT TRUE” he cried, not sure what to do or say anymore. 

“Just… leave… it will be better for the both of us. Make your funny videos”

4 felt almost betrayed, it seemed no matter how hard he pressed, he couldn’t get through 3 anymore. He left, feeling undone in a sense. Yes, the situation had been draining him quite a bit but he did it for his friend, his friend who he really really cared about! A friend he would give the whole world for if he could. And yet, here he was, leaving because he kept failing 3. He felt like shit. Of course when he wanted to be there for 3 fully and help him achieve his dreams, that’s when things would turn this sour. 

He might have gone back to his room now but the inspiration wouldn’t come. The thought that he failed 3 just occupied his mind too much. He knew how bad it was to miss uploads but he just… He couldn’t do this. He decided to release a community post, saying that there would be a bit of a hiatus until he was able to resolve something. He sighed, trying to look for a way to make things better. He wondered if he should really just stop. If 3 was right about the fact that he just needed to stop and leave 3. But the more he stayed away, the more it felt like the whole in his heart, the place 3 took for himself only got bigger. Like a fatal wound.

It had been days since he was told to leave 3 alone. He decided to check on him again, even if by force, he would make something happen. He entered 3’s lair, looking for him but finding nothing. His room looked as messy as ever, nothing was that out of the ordinary. Except for the fact that 3 wasn’t here. 4 started to grow more and more worried. 3 was gone. 3  WAS GONE. WHERE. IS. HE? 

He alerted his friends, who also came to help, though not everyone. Just Meggy, Tari, Saiko, Mario, Luigi and Melony when she wasn’t sleeping. They searched and searched, especially 4, it was almost like he never stopped searching. Day and night he would go to the cafe and look around, often he didn’t even sleep in his room if he would sleep at all. It was the only thing he had of 3 in that way, although it wasn’t as comforting as he wished it to be. But it was more than nothing and he should be grateful. Although it was kind of silly, he looked through the burnt merch, and while he found nothing in tact, he found a plush that was still recognisable. Just seeing it made him cry. He kept it. It turned into a charm for him, not his good luck charm, rather his charm of hope. Hope for the idea that 3 is still out there and that he would be able to find him.

He was reaching the end of his ropes, but then he realised. He could reach out to 1 and 2 for help! Yes, that’s it… He called the 2, scared, they could tell based on his voice that things were NOT good.

“So… you don’t know where he went?” 1 questioned.

“I… yeah… but I… I can still feel that he’s still alive… I know it”

“Alright, we’re gonna teach you a bit of a complex move to help you track down SMG3. You… really need to concentrate. And calm down” 2 looked concerned.

“Yeah, you look super tense” 1 commented, also concerned.

“Sorry sorry… I just really care about him”

“Yeah… He is your partner after all” 2 pat him on the shoulder “it’s only natural”

“He’s also… my friend” 4 could cry all over again. He didn’t think that one day he would be here, feeling dysfunctional at the thought of SMG3 of all people leaving him behind. And yet…

The 2 both grabbed 4’s hand, trying to channel for him. 4 tried to take a deep breath to concentrate. This was for 3… He would do anything for 3. He couldn’t fail him again. 

Suddenly, 4 felt sharp pain in his stomach, which made him fall to the ground.

“Are you okay??” 2 looked worried, 1 was too.

“I’ve never seen something like this happen…”

“Huh?” 4 looked up, shocked at the revelation.

“This shouldn’t be possible” 2 noted as well. This only made 4 more visibly worried.

“Not possible?” 

“Look… I think we should try again” 1 sighed, he knew it had to be done “As much as I’d rather not, I want to try and see… if we can figure it out”

4 nodded, not really fighting it. If it meant they could find 3…

They once again all held hands, and it happened again.

“Hmmm… he only wants you” 1 noted.

“How do you know that?” 2 looked at him, also puzzled.

“I was paying attention to the force stopping us. It was clearly pulling 4 away from us, not the other way around. It only wants you”

“But I- How do I do it on my own?”

“We’ll help from- from here” 2 tried to reassure 4.

“We can’t lose hope yet” 1 also tried.

4 had a headache coming on at this point but he persisted. He wanted to see 3 again and make sure he wouldn’t come to harm’s way ever again.

“Okay… yeah, you’re both right” 4 tried to concentrate. Linking his own hands kind of helped, almost like making a loop link. He closed his eyes. It felt like he was transported in a different place.

He couldn’t see anything much, beside a shadow resembling 3. The shadow knew he was there and that he wanted answers. It didn’t speak directly, only whispers but seemingly not coming from the shadow entity directly. The whispers were incomprehensible yet somehow 4 was still given an image in his head, it burned into his mind. The scenery of a castle that felt impossible. It felt familiar to him in a way. It bared resemblance to Peach’s castle that once stood proud and tall but missing important things, looking like an abandoned version of it. With dark energy emanating from inside.  But he could feel it… 3 was there. Waiting for him. He… He wanted him to come? But… Only him… nobody else… He would have to…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He sat up, he didn’t realise it before but he was put in a bed.

“Hey, you’re finally awake!” 2 said coming beside him.

“What… what happened?”

“The move drained you and you passed out” 1 said, also noticing that 4 woke up “What did you see?”

“It was a castle but… he wants me to go alone”

“What, alone?” 

“That’s just…”

“I have to” 4 stood up from bed “I think… I guess we have a score to settle”

“Are you sure about this?” 1 asked.

“I’m… I am, yeah. What’s the worst that could happen anyways?” 

“A lot can happen”

“At least I’ll see him again” 4 got up and left the 2 SMGs without another word. Both concluded that 4 truly grew desperate. 

4 left on his own, well… Not entirely. He had memes just in case something went wrong. Or if he had to escape a life or death situation. Anything felt possible at this point. He even started to make peace with the idea that he’d get badly hurt anyways. At least he’d be able to see 3 again… maybe with his last breath, he could hold him again… Although that might have sounded a bit too sad. His biggest wish was still to take 3 home and make everything work out again. Turn everything back to normal… What was normal anyways?

He arrived at the entrance of the castle. It was boarded up. He thought for a bit… How should he get through this? Although he didn’t like the trend, he summoned a tik tok, one of those where the food on a plate had bites taken out of it to the beat of a song and then the plate as well. The tiktok managed to chew off the boards to the beat. At least it was useful for once.

He went inside, it was oddly dark, though he could tell it was supposed to resemble Peach’s castle to an extent. but rooms seemed to be missing, which made the main hall even bigger than it was before. The emptiness of it was slowly making 4 anxious… No, he had to keep moving! 

He didn’t have a flashlight with him, which made it a bit hard to explore. But he moved along anyway, concentrating. He could feel 3. He knew he had to be there. He felt infinitely close. As he moved around, he noticed eyes. Eyes were staring at him and only him. More and more of them. Paying attention to every little movement he was making. Not only that, they felt uncomfortably familiar. He didn’t like thinking about it… He didn’t want to go back to the day he lost so much. He felt more and more anxious. 

But the eyes would only stare. But  even if they were only staring, they had him surrounded. It felt like that day, feeling so isolated against your will. Being forced into solitude, something you never wanted in the first place.

He sat down on the ground. He didn’t know what he should do.

“Are you here?” 4 called out softly, his voice shaky. He was way too nervous from this.

He didn’t get an answer back. Only eyes that came closer and closer to him, closing in… Until it was all dark.

It was all dark until a screen was put in front of him. It was bright from being all white, 4 took a bit to adjust to it. There was text on it in black.

“Scared?” it read “Don’t be. It’ll be over soon”

4 looked terrified. Over soon? Will he actually die here? Sure it was a thought that crossed his mind but- but he wasn’t ready for this!

“I just want him back…” 4 sobbed, tears rolling down his face.

“How selfish” the text read. 

“I want him back so I can fix things… make it up to him”

The screen went blank for a bit. It left 4 more nervous.

“3… I uh…” 4 panicked, not knowing what to say “You know- we need you, man. The crew isn’t the same without you! You’re important!”

The screen still did not show an answer. 

“What should I do…” 4 didn’t know anymore.

“Leave” the screen showed simply.

“No… That’s the one thing I can’t do. Not anymore” 4 grabbed the screen, finding something within himself to keep going “I can’t leave without him”

the screen shone bright, covering 4 in brightness, pulling him inside. 

After a whole black room, he was inside a whole white room. Somehow it still felt the exact same, even if he could see now. 

4 thought about what meme could help him in this situation. His mind drew a blank. What was he supposed to do in a blank room? He got up and walked around. Maybe he can find a weakness to this room. He pushed around, finding the edge of the room. He pushed with all his might. Although he wasn’t very strong. Then he got an idea.

He pulled out Beeg.

“Grow, boy!!” 4 commanded him with a big, determined smile.

Now usually Beeg wasn’t one to listen but knowing what was going on, he grew bigger and bigger, pushing at the room more than 4 could ever. 4 cheered him on. 

The room collapsed, they were… they were inside the same room where… Oh. Memories.

Beeg shrunk and went back to 4. 

He walked up to the table in the room. It felt just like the one in his old home. It was furnished similarly, even with the demonic keyboard. He resented looking at it. The fact that he got it made him feel awful all over again. Maybe it really would have been better if he just died there… But 3 saved him. Now it was time for payback. 

“So, what do you want me to do?” he called out. 

He looked around, seeing no one around. Or that was what he thought until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around but he saw no one. He felt confused… Then he could feel a poke at his side. He looked, nothing. Another poke coming from the other side. He looked, still nothing. And then another. Then another. Faster and faster until he was more annoyed than scared or confused and was also starting to feel a bit dizzy. He swore he could hear laughing.

“Hey! This isn’t funny!”

The poke attack suddenly stopped, as the monitor on the table turned on, which caught his attention. It had his editing program opened. The clips, pictures and sounds that were in the library were all too familiar to him.

“Is this some kind of sick joke? You know I couldn’t make that video by myself!” 4 was rather annoyed again. Why did he have to relive this again? He sat in front of the computer but didn’t touch the keyboard.

“And why is this thing here? Do you really expect me to work with it? I… I don’t want to go back to my lowest point”

The keyboard emanated an energy that made 4 feel so scared. He forgot how it can… manipulate you. He was about to reach for it but- he had to stay strong! This could not be the end of his story. Not the end of THEIR story. With 3. He knew… There had to be a way. If 3 saved him before, he had to pay back. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if it was his fault for 3 being gone. 

He grabbed the keyboard and broke it in half. It screamed in its eldritch ways, releasing black blood. There was a lot of it. The monitor turned off.

“You’re not getting me like this! I don’t want a perfect video, I want you!”

4 stopped for a second. Only after saying it did he realise how odd that sounded. But he meant it. No matter how uh… not so straight it sounded.

He got up, looking around the room. He couldn’t wait for whatever entity was around to mess around with him even more.

He noticed a camera following his movement. He got close to the camera, trying to see if he could find a source or reason for it. 

“You think I’m gonna feel shame for being broadcasted?” the camera turned around, instead showing footage it recorded. It had a lot of 3’s rants to himself. How many times he was stuck being the loser out of the 2 of them. How even when they turn out to be friends, he got the shorter end of it all. How everything around him only seemed to fall apart. Especially… when he and 4 got even closer. 4 felt shocked. He never knew he could feel this much emotional pain but… here he was… Being shown that he was only a source of failure for 3. 

The screen of the camera turned off after it finished showing everything.

4 didn’t know what to do with himself. He… He didn’t know he hurt 3 so much. He felt so miserable. And conflicted, would it really be best for them to… part ways? 

He stared at the turned off camera, trying to just… process everything.

The camera turned on again, although the screen was black but something seemed to move closer, like a dark shape, the dark shape reached out, in the form of a hand. 4 panicked and quickly backed away from the camera. The room went dark on the side of the camera, but the figure, although dark, was still noticeable through the dark. Especially for those red eyes. Those iconic red eyes… this was no doubt 3. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 4 cried. 

“I did now” 3 spoke, his voice echoey, coming from all directions.

“What… What happened to you?” 4 was so scared. So devastated.

“I embraced the shadows… If you don’t fit anywhere else, why leave?”

4 didn’t know what to say, all he could do was cry.

“I wish I could’ve been there for you more, 3”

“You only would’ve ruined things more”

“But-”

“Now leave… or I’ll do something awful”

“You-” 4 was having none of that “I… I’m standing by what I said. I’m not leaving without you”

“Well, if you say so” 3 walked up to him, grabbing his hand. It was cold… It felt uncomfortable.

“Huh- What happened to you? Why… is your hand so cold?”

“What, you miss soft SMG3’s warm little hand or something? You miss when I held back?”

“What- What are you saying?”

“I’ve always felt miserable. This” he held his hand, intertwined with 4’s hand “Has made my life hell”

“Our… Guardian link?”

“Exactly” 3 squeezed 4’s hand but it wasn’t comfortable. Somehow there was still something behind it. Something that gave 4 hope.

“What?”

“Well, it’s something we have to live with, of course it’s not gonna always be a great time! It doesn’t mean you need to destroy the world over it”

“It can be broken”

“Our link can be destroyed and I know how to do it”

“WHAT??”

“I CAN FINALLY BREAK AWAY FROM YOU”

“DO YOU REALLY HATE ME THIS MUCH???”

“THE OPPOSITE, YOU IDIOT”

“What..?”

“This link… This link gave me feelings I never wanted. I never wanted to feel nice about being close to you. It made me feel awful. Each fucking time. Yet I let you in, because this stupid fucking link made me weak about it. This stupid guardian link is at fault…”

3 gripped on 4’s hand even harder.

“3… no if- if you destroyed it- WE DON’T KNOW WHAT COULD HAPPEN, THIS IS SO SELFISH OF YOU”

“WELL FUCK, LET ME BE SELFISH SOMETIMES, YOU PIECE OF SHIT”

Some sort of red-black energy appeared around the 2, and familiar marks appeared on 3. The energy 4 could feel was familiar too… and scary.

“Anti meme energy..? Where-”

“You’re right” 3 laughed “In the end it’s truly the answer to all my misery!”

“No! 3! This is too dangerous! What if you got hurt??”

“I’ll take the risk!”

slowly, the marks appeared on 4 too. 3 was too strong… holding him back took everything in 4 and it still wasn’t enough.

The moment the link between the 2 was severed. It felt like 4 died. He didn’t but it felt like he did. Something beautiful inside him was gone now. the marks turned black, his hand was too.

He could barely stand, falling on his ass.

3 didn’t seem better. Even if he had the power of whoever was on his side now, it still didn’t change the fact that he got rid of something in himself that was deeply inherent to him. 

The 2 just laid there, facing each other. The pain they felt made it too hard to move. 

The emptiness 4 felt was unbearable. Even if he was able to get up, he didn’t know what he would do. He really didn’t anymore. He wondered if this was meant to happen.

3 took a while himself, he was clearly hurt, even when he got up. He moved slowly, pain in every step he took. He didn’t dare look 4’s way. He was wondering if it was only the pain or if he actually began to regret what he had done. He didn’t feel like figuring it out, so he left the room, leaving 4 by himself. 

4 just laid there. Maybe he should just… not do anything… What was it worth anymore?

He closed his eyes, thinking about everything that happened in his life. All the memories, friends he made. All the time when he thought he made amends with 3, only seemingly repeatedly stabbing him in the back instead. Honestly, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself anyways knowing that he did that. Maybe he was being dramatic but… Whatever.

It felt like an eternity when he heard commotion from outside. He didn’t really care to check. He kind of embraced death at this point.

“4!! SMG4” he heard a voice he did not care to check.

“OH NO!” another voice came right beside him “I think he’s still alive- let’s take him back”

He was too tired to protest, even if he didn’t want to go.

The journey home felt kind of dull. Knowing what 3 did, it just… it broke him. He felt like it wasn’t only their link… that even disregarding that, in general the fact that 3 chose to depart from him hurt him in many other ways. He… really came to like him over the years. Seeing how he became so selfless, so helpful, so amazing too… 4 still kind of felt bad that 3 couldn’t see that about himself. He wished he was less stubborn and told him more. Though he was sure that wouldn’t have changed a thing anyways. But still, he wished he could tell 3 more that he found him so amazing in ways he never did with anyone else… he… he loved him.

4 suddenly shot up, the realisation hitting him like a truck.

“Woa-” Meggy was one of the ones who carried him, momentarily losing balance from 4’s sudden movement.

Mario was on his other side, he seemed to take 4’s stupidity better. One could say he was used to 4’s antics.

4 took a bit to catch his breath as they all stopped.

“Are you okay?” Tari came running to him.

“I think I love him” was all 4 could say before starting to cry. Truly, today wasn’t his day. Lots of tears.

“As in… SMG3?” Meggy asked.

“Yeah…” 4 looked down.

Mario patted him on the back.

“Mario knew you would realise at some point”

“About time, these last weeks have been ridiculous” Clench came out too. He was rather annoyed with the 2 at this point.

“It’s not that unexpected, yeah” Meggy chuckled.

A lot of the others held a similar reaction, no one seemed surprised.

4 didn’t look too happy though.

“He left… he left me there” 4 spoke again, looking up at the sky. He still felt way too empty.

“What happened anyways?” Tari asked.

“He…” 4 tried holding back the tears. Not very successfully at that. “I… I’ll need to discuss this later with SMG1 and 2…”

Everyone left him alone. The rest of the road back home was rather gloomy. 4 was starting to feel like it wasn’t only him who felt 3’s painful absence. 

They helped him in his room to rest for a bit. After a while, 1 and 2 came into his room.

“We heard you wanted to speak with us” 1 said.

“Yeah… It’s bad”

“We could tell based on your black scars” 2 commented, pointing at how bad his face looked.

“He… He broke our link”

They both looked at him shocked, then at each other. The reaction made 4 feel even worse.

“That’s… how did he…”

“With… anti meme energy… I don’t know how he got it but… I have a bad feeling about this in general”

“Tell us everything” 1 had a determined look. 

4 proceeded to tell them about everything. The way he was approached by 3, the weird dark change of his appearance, his comment of becoming one with the shadows. It seemed to leave both 1 and 2 speechless.

“Whoever is behind this” 1 spoke “They know enough to be clearly dangerous”

“Do you… Do you think I could mend my link with 3?” 4 looked up at the ceiling. He found that not looking at people made it easier to not cry.

“We… don’t know” 2 sighed. Neither of them had an idea.

“We’ve never seen anything like this happen before… we can try to look around for information to see if we can find something”

“It’s only natural… especially because the world is weaker without your link”

4 looked at them, smiling softly.

“Thanks, I really appreciate that”

“It is?”

“Everyone is able to feel it” 2 said.

“Really?”

“Yeah, it’s one of the pillars of a stable universe. Whoever told 3 how to break it must have done it to… oh no, 1, we should start searching right away!” the 2 ran out in a hurry. 

4 chuckled dryly at that. It really wasn’t funny to him, he just found it kind of ironic in a way. Destroying 3’s life meant he’d also destroy the world… It was kind of fitting how especially now, 3 felt like the whole world for him. He wished he knew earlier so at least he could’ve told him before they parted ways like that. 

~~~

4 didn’t do much for a few days. He spent the day coping. Healing. He could move around better after a while but his mental state didn’t get better. He couldn’t get 3 out of his mind. He thought that their link being gone meant that the opposite of this would happen but no. His friends tried to cheer him up with memes they would send him. Sure they got a chuckle out of him but these weren’t nearly enough to stop his sadness. 

He was watching his own videos where 3 appeared when 1 and 2 came in his room.

“WE FOUND SOMETHING” 2 jumped through the door.

“Yeah?” 4 asked, trying to put on a smile.

“Yes! Your connection isn’t necessarily lost forever!”

“R– Really??” 4 looked at them with colour appearing in his eyes. There’s a way after all!

“Yes- considering it’s still fresh, and you don’t seem to care any less, there could still be a way. But the catch… 3 has to want it too”

“Huh…” 4 thought out loud “I mean, that makes sense… I wonder if he would…”

“We’ll at least try our best to convince him”

“Right right! Even though I was told I ruined his life” 4 looked away. He still didn’t know what to do with all his feelings about that.

“Ruined his life?” 2 questioned.

“He said that… I only ever seemed to make his life worse… and that I only made things worse when I helped him”

The 2 looked at each other then back at 4.

“What do you exactly mean by this?”

“Uh… He said that his businesses always seemed to fail around me, no matter how much he tried, and that things that would ruin him further… connected right back to me”

The 2 shared another look.

“Now… don’t panic but” 1 started.

“Someone was disrupting your link!” 2 finished 1’s thought.

“Huh?”

“It sounds like it. As we were looking at all the information we could find on links, we found that in certain ways, outside people can interact with links that are not theirs.That’s how we also tried to help you find 3 but we were blocked out by some force. And it’s not a meme guardian exclusive thing. So… Someone must have got in and… yeah”

4 looked shocked.

“So… It’s not my fault?”

“No, it’s not” they both comforted him.

This actually managed to make him feel better. Finally, something that could help him fix everything. Even if it will take a while.

“I was thinking… can you guys… still train me, even if alone? I… want to be stronger when I see him again. Because I’m sure I will… It can’t end like this”

Both nodded.

“We won’t go easy on you” 2 joked.

“Better not” 4 laughed.

The 3 of them left to train that day, 4 trained until he was exhausted. He was glad to push himself considering how he had been for the last few days. He felt a little more free now. Just you wait, 3…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It had been a week since he really started training again. It was actually something that managed to make him feel better. He was wondering where 3 was at this point. On what point of the World he could’ve been. When he wasn’t able to sleep, he would look at places where he could be in. Making a list…

His cafe - he wasn’t

Internet graveyard - he wasn’t 

That castle where he severed their link - he wasn’t

Peach’s castle - he wasn’t

Any of the Anti cast’s own living places - he wasn’t 

Right by his side  - 4 wished he was

His list only got longer with all the wrong answers. Just yesterday, they put out an announcement that if anyone sees any trace of 3, they should alert the crew. Though 4 thought of it as a bit hopeless. 

He could only take his mind off it all with training. His days would be spent either training or sleeping. He left very little time for anything else. It started to worry the others, he realised as well but he just couldn’t stop. Not being whole can feel so devastating.

And he didn’t take it well in a more and more unhealthy way. He didn’t show it to anyone else, but he kept the burnt SMG3 plushie he found from the fire incident. From a beacon of hope, it went to something he would sleep with. It was starting to feel like he would never be able to sleep without it. He didn’t feel much shame in it anymore but he treasured it too much to just show it to anyone else. He needed to protect it at all costs. Sometimes he would talk to it, pretending like it was 3. Telling it so much. Telling everything that was inside his heart, all he wished he could actually tell 3. He truly felt like he reached a new low.

If that wasn’t already bad enough, he started having nightmares too.

Nightmares where he’d follow 3 but kept losing him. Nightmares that seemed to have a different face appear inside them as well. One he did not recognise yet felt familiar… Having a familiar painful feeling. He hated seeing the face. He would many times try to kill the figure but it felt as though they could read his mind, as they dodged his every move with a wide grin. But each time.. He would get closer… Surroundings would become clearer.

One time, it got so clear… He got an insane idea.

He searched up the place he saw… It was a real place. An abandoned studio. Weirdly fitting in a way.

“So, you want to go there because you dreamed about it?” Meggy asked. Some of the gang was gathered there.

“This entity’s influence must be strong if you’re getting dreams like that” 1 believed him. He had really no reason to lie.

“Wait, you believe him?”

“Yes, it is plausible. We already established someone interfered with their connection”

“So it could be that guy! And now they’re taunting 4!” 2 excitedly finished the thought.

4 smiled at the 2 of them.

“Thanks, guys. But yes… I want to go there. I need to… figure out what’s exactly happening”

“And save 3” Tari came up to him as well, reassuring him.

“Especially save 3” 4 smiled at her.

With the newfound determination, the squad, even with 1 and 2 included, headed for the studio building.

The building itself felt more than abandoned in a way. It looked like something went down inside there, a struggle of shorts. Walking in, they noticed the walls covered in gunshots, the place more dusty than would be usual for a place like this. And in some places, a disturbing amount of dried blood was spilled. What must have happened to this place was definitely sudden, quick and gruesome. Just staying in there made them all feel bad for the ex workers. They split up, searching the rooms in smaller groups since it wasn’t exactly a small building. 

4 was searching with 1 and 2. 4 tried to push on even into darker rooms. Although he didn’t have the link to help anymore, he listened to  3… his words burned into his brain. So he paid attention to the darkest places, not letting the shadows go unaddressed, even if it got increasingly scary. 4 kind of didn’t care about that at this point. He had already lost too much to care, though he didn’t exactly tell this to his friends. It felt a bit selfish to him but it was genuinely feeling like there wasn’t much to live for without 3. 

It was starting to feel kind of hopeless until a shadow looked weird. He looked at it, suspicions forming in his brain. He reached out but the shadow grabbed him first.

Before 1 or 2 were able to react, 4 was already gone, being pulled into the shadows.

4 was thrown  back into a dark room that felt all too familiar at this point. In front of him was 3, still as shadowed as ever. At least they could see each other. They stared for a bit, both trying to see what the other one was feeling. 3 pulled 4 closer, in a kind of threatening way, which felt weird and sudden. Something in 4 made him wonder if he was perhaps influenced by something to do that.

“I told you to stay away”

4 sighed, a smile appearing on his face, which weirded 3 out.

“It’s impossible”

“No it’s not just-” he looked away, seemingly thinking but it felt more than that.

“...Let’s talk” 4 had a soft gaze on 3. If he had to die, he didn’t want to spend his last moments arguing with 3.

“We… We already had that… you should go… I did it for you as well”

4 still kept the calmness but the light eye twitch gave away that he didn’t like what he was hearing.

“It wasn’t our fault actually”

3 looked at him shocked. Then thought for a bit.

“I mean I… didn’t mean to make you feel like you… I know that you didn’t ACTUALLY mean to ruin me-”

“No no, you don’t understand, we basically got hacked”

“Hacked? What the hell you mean-” 3 questioned but got stopped by immense pain as he grabbed for his head groaning.

“Oh no, are you okay?” 4 immediately jumped beside him, with a hand on his upper back for support.

“How can I believe you?” 3 looked at him weakly.

“We… actually found out outside forces can… influence guardian links”

3 took a bit to take that in, looking away from 4, seemingly staring into the dark. Very intensely at that. He looked back at 4, pretty pissed.

“So someone framed you?” he looked like he was about to blow up.

“We think so…”

“So I… I” 3’s face softened. 

4 knew what he felt, he hugged 3. He didn’t resist. Slowly, 3 leaned into 4’s touch.

“You know… it’s funny” 3 spoke again “I thought without the link if you came after me again… that I could just end you as soon as I saw you… but I…” he once again felt pain so he had to stop.

“3!!” 

“It’s… We… uh” 3 looked weak.

“We’ll help you, don’t worry! The others are here too… we… we will help, man!”

3 couldn’t help but smile at 4, even through the pain.

“But I already ruined it… I.. I did that to you… I was told how to do it and I…”

“I still care about you”

3 looked at him, something in him breaking with tears rolling down his face.

“How can you?”

“We… We’re friends… we’ve been through a lot… you think I’m gonna let you go when you once risked your life to save me? You didn’t need to. You could have left me to my perfect video but you didn’t. Didn’t it feel like I betrayed you? But you came back either way.”

“That… That’s true”

“It’s… just another thing I love about you, 3”

The word choice made 3 a little flustered. 4 chuckled at that.

“You can’t just say sappy shit like that”

“You think I don’t mean it or something?”

“No no… It’s obvious you do, don’t worry”

“But uhm genuinely I’ve… I’ve been thinking and-”

And just as soon as 4 thought maybe he could tell 3- 3 got grabbed by a hand before not seen. However at this point it was familiar to him. He stood up and went right after, it was no use though. 4 didn’t lose hope yet. He was more angry right now if anything.

“NOT EVEN GONNA LET ME TELL HIM I LOVE HIM??” 4 called out “WELL THEN DO IT FOR ME PLEASE, BITCH”

The figure he had been seeing in his dreams came out of the shadows. Much clearer now, he could still see their wide, unfeeling smile. He didn’t know a TV screen headed guy could be such a piece of shit.

“You’re a feisty one”

“YOU”

“Ah, what, came back because you weren’t satisfied with the service? Sorry, no refunds!”

They started to walk away but 4 grabbed them.

“SERVICE??”

“The keyboard”

4 stopped.

“The…keyboard…?”

Then he realised.

“And it’s not like I even forced it on you” they laughed “You were the one who chose to buy it. Even with SMG3, I didn’t force him! HE joined me HIMSELF and-”

“You think I’m gonna let you go with what you did?” 

They laughed.

“No… And that’s what I want!” the words scared 4 “With even all your friends! Such a great deal”

“WHAT are you?”

“I’m… oh there’s no fun in that, I’m only here to make a great show!”

“I don’t know if you noticed but I’m the show runner here!”

“It looked like you needed some help”

4 tried to punch them but then he was gone from the dark, right back beside 1 and 2.

“4!!! 4, you’re back!!” both hurried there beside him.

“Yes… I am'' 4 didn’t lose his anger a single bit. Those were the words of someone who is truly despicable. He only wanted to kill them more now. 

They only got one more calm moment before the building shook beneath them. It was loud, almost like the building was alive. 

“Oh no! We need to get out of here” 1 panicked, 2 and 4 followed behind, although 4 did so reluctantly. He knew 3 was in here. He didn’t want him gone.

Everyone evacuated. 4 stared at the building going down, he couldn’t just stand there, he had to run back, even if it would take him away as well.

He searched everywhere. Maybe it was the TV guy letting their guard down, but he was actually able to spot 3 in the real world now. He was still covered in those shadows though.

“3!!!” he cried out, running for the other who only then noticed him.

“4, you should get out of here”

“Not without you”

“Then we might not be able to get out…”

“I’ll… rather be going away with you than live knowing you died”

“You know- you’re pretty attached as well, even without the…” 3 looked away then back 4. He couldn’t help but smile at 4. It felt kind of nice in the end. It was easier to admit now.

“That’s cuz I love you” 4 reciprocated the smile.

3 looked away again, rather flustered at the words. But there was still a smile visible on his face.

“Like um… as in? Like that? Fuck, I’m sounding so stupid right now” 3 laughed at his own incompetence.

“Yeah uh… are you okay with that?” 4 returned the awkward laugh.

3 chuckled before grabbing 4’s face.

“What do you think, stupid?”

“I’m… glad” 

They both leaned in, just about at the same time. The kiss came naturally. But it was so much more than that. They pulled each other close, it all just felt… perfect. Complete. So complete, as the scar on both of their faces started glowing. They didn’t know when they linked hands but with both hands held, they could see white strings appear, glowing with immense power, more and more appearing, connecting the 2.

The sight mesmerised both so much, they pulled in for another kiss, which only made the light stronger, ridding 3 fully of his corruption.

The light grew so big, like an explosion. An explosion of so much emotion before unspoken.

The light grew so big, the crew outside noticed.

“They did it!” 2 jumped up “That’s a lot of meme guardian energy”

“Right on” 1 laughed “You know, I’m proud of them… they came so far”

“They really did” Meggy joined the 2.

“Will they be able to get out though?” Tari was concerned.

But then the light only grew larger and faster at that, basically taking in the whole building. It was strong enough to knock everyone on their asses.

As the light dissipated, the 2 hovered up from all the debris. Both looked unharmed, their hands linked.

Everyone came up to hug them. It had been a while since they had such a big and emotional hug.

“We’re so glad you 2 are safe”

“I can’t believe you actually made it out”

“You guys better not do anything this reckless ever again”

These were some comments the 2 received. But they were happy they made it out, made it out alive and together. There were a lot of things unanswered but none of that mattered now. At least not for now.

[giorno-plays-piano]

Broken Boy

Pairing: soft!yandere!Midoriya Izuku x reader

Warnings: obsession, manipulation, past bullying, violence (against bullies), unhealthy coping mechanisms, implied stalking, one mention of hypothetical noncon, Izuku being a cinnamon roll and a menace at the same time, hurt/comfort.

Words: 3.2k

Summary: "Is someone... giving you trouble?" You ask cautiously, actually afraid he's going to say yes. You can't stomach thinking someone is bullying Izuku again. Sure, he bulked up considerably and is now so tall he literally towers over you, but he's still that shy compassionate boy inside, and he doesn't know how to stop people from being mean to him.

P.S. Just giving some love to our best boi.

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When you see him, it's almost like every other Friday night when you grab a pizza from that corner cafe and come home to Izuku choosing a movie for you two to enjoy. It's been your favorite tradition ever since middle school, and you can't imagine spending the evening anywhere else.

Though maybe you should, given the circumstances.

Midoriya keeps chatting about work and the new equipment in his gym while you struggle to keep the conversation going. There are a lot of things on your mind, but your best friend's mental health is on the top of the list. Has been for a long time when you two had been younger, but you actually thought he got better with time. That is, until your work friend pointed out how unnaturally clingy he seems to the point when it's almost creepy.

He'd bark for you if you asked, she huffed, but, to your horror, you couldn't even find it in you to argue. In the end, she was right. When you look back at it, Izuku has been getting more and more possessive and insecure despite nothing seemingly changing in the relationship between you two.

Has something happened to him, and you missed it completely? You are confident it isn't his mom - your friend would often FaceTime with you around, and nothing at all hints at Midoriya's mom being distressed, you know her well enough to be sure. Is it work, perhaps? Personal issues?

Has someone started bullying him again?

You shiver from anger at the thought, clenching your fists. You would fucking end anyone who's troubling your ray of sunshine - like you had nearly done in middle school.

When you first met him, he was a new kid in your class, all skin and bones, awkward and shy and with no communication skills whatsoever. Took him about a day to become a target of delinquents you school was full of. They mocked him, drew on his desk, and threw a bucket of water at him once, but, as always, teachers didn't pay any attention to the bullying. You feel bad about it now, but since you had never seen it happen with your own eyes, you didn't think much of it either.

However, when one of the kids punched Izuku in the face to the point his nose started bleeding right in front of you, something in you snapped at the view of blood trickling down Midoriya's face. He was crying, hands up to prevent the kid from hurting him more, pleading the bullies to stop as if they'd listen. To this day, it infuriates you that someone would beat up a child this defenseless and lost: he was like an injured puppy, sobbing and trying to hide in the corner with his arms up to protect himself.

Before you even realized what you were doing, you flew to the bully and strated throwing punches at him like your life depended on it, repeatedly hitting him in the head and chest and everywhere you could reach before the other kids intervened. You were so enraged, though, you ended up fighting them, too, despite getting kicked in the ribs hard. The pain didn't stop you: it was like you turned into a whole different being whose only purpose was to hurt the bullies of a crying kid.

The teachers barely got a hold of you before you grabbed a chair to smash it against the back of one of the other children.

To this day, you wonder how Izuku awoke this raging beast inside of you: you had rarely gotten into fights, and, given your politeness and overall sweet demeanor, neither you nor anyone else had suspected you had it in you. Nevertheless, from that point on, there wasn't a day when you weren't there for Midoriya to kick the ass of whoever had the gall to torment him. Hell, the next time someone punched him, you went batshit crazy and almost pushed the guy off the stairs. Worse, you aren't the slightest bit sorry even now when you think of Izuku's swollen eye after he got punched again.

Gradually, it became better after you showed every stupid boy around what would happen if they did anything stupid to that awkward skinny kid, and Izuku was finally left alone. Naturally, it was no surprise he got so attached to you he spent nearly all his time somewhere around, going to the same after-school activities, picking same clubs, doing same things as long as he was able to stay close to you. You felt sorry for Midoriya: he was so nice it alone was enough for people to pick on him. How was he supposed to find friends? He'd stay a loner forever if you didn't do anything.

He wasn't hard to be around. Getting to know him better, you realized he was genuinely a very gentle and smart kid despite his antics and a weird addiction to superhero movies. Izuku was sweet and polite, holding a door for you like a gentleman, carrying your books, always laughing at your jokes, and even giving up his rice pudding he claimed he didn't like just to give it to you. How could you not like him?

It's been years since you both graduated from college, and he is still bringing you a rice pudding whenever you feel sad. You heart clenches as you think of him going through hard times again when you have no idea what's happening.

"Are you alright?" He suddenly asks, and you realize you've been staring at the wall for a minute, not replying to anything he just said.

God, this is gonna be painful.

"Are you alright?" Turning your head to face him, you ask, equally guilty and concerned.

Even though he tells you he is, giving you his brightest smile, you don't believe it. Izuku is very good at hiding his emotions when he's hurt.

"Talk to me," you ask, grabbing his palms in yours, and he visibly reddens at the sudden touch like a schoolboy.

You aren't fooled by this as you patiently wait for him to open up like always does when you want him to be honest with you, but Izuku just shrugs and says he's unsure what you're implying. Things are the same. Nothing has changed, nothing at all.

"Is someone... giving you trouble?" You ask cautiously, actually afraid he's going to say yes. You can't stomach thinking someone is bullying Izuku again. Sure, he bulked up considerably and is now so tall he literally towers over you, but he's still that shy compassionate boy inside, and he doesn't know how to stop people from being mean to him.

Midoriya smiles and shakes his head. "No. My colleagues and my boss are very nice. You don't have to worry."

"I can't NOT worry!" You exhale, rubbing his hands in yours like you always do when you get nervous. "You seem so... alone. I don't even see your gym buddies anymore. Has something happened? Did you have a fallout or something?"

There it is, this gentle, heartbreaking smile he always gives you whenever you are worried. Izuku has never once told you that you are pushy and overbearing despite the fact that you were all that many times in the past. He just smiles at you like he's happy someone cares, and it makes you tear up at the thought. How could he be so sweet and kind and yet so unaware of his own worth? It feels like the world is so freaking unfair to him.

"I just don't spend that much time with them anymore," he says as he gets a little closer to you, cheeks blushing because he's such a pure soul, unspoiled and shy, "because you are my best friend. I wanna hang out with you. I thought you'd be happy about it."

It's nearly enough to make you freaking sob. What did you do to deserve this sweetheart? How could he stay such a warm, kindhearted guy after the treatment people gave him?

You draw a breath and look him dead in the eye. "Izuku, come on, I'm not going anywhere. Why on Earth do you think if you have other friends, I'll stop hanging out with you? Having more friends is a healthy thing! We can hang out together if you'd like."

It seems Midoriya doesn't like the idea, giving how he shakes his head, his expression darkening. You don't know what to make of it until he starts talking, not meeting your eyes, "No. What if you'll like my friends more than me? I've always felt like you liked those gym guys more than me. I hated it. Like they're better than me, and if they ask you to stop spending time with me, you'll choose them over me."

For a second, you're unsure if you've just misheard him. It takes you a moment to process his words. What the actual fuck?! Did he just suppose you like his gym bros you only ever met a couple of times more than him, your best friend who's been with you for years?

As you blink, a thousand questions form in your head in response to his accusation, but one thought prevails over others: Izuku is battling some serious demons inside his head. There is no way a sane person would ever suggest anything like that. He's really, really insecure. Insecure in a dangerous way. You can't believe you haven't realized it earlier, just blaming it on his weird social skills when Izuku clearly hasn't been alright. When did it even start? Has it always been like that, and you simply didn't see the signs? Is it because of his childhood traumas?

Of course, it's his fucking childhood traumas. Why else? You were literally the only kid around him. Of course, he's terrified of losing you, and that's why he's still glued to you like a child.

It hurts you thinking your best friend is struggling that much. He's such a good person. He could have been so much happier if not for the things he had to endure as a kid that damaged him.

"Izuku, I think you need help," you whisper quietly, heartbroken, clenching his hands in yours as he watches you with that soft smile on his face that only makes you more anxious. "Things you say, they're just... wrong. I'd never abandon you for someone else, but it's not normal to depend on anyone that much. You need help. What can I do for you?"

You are completely honest with him when you speak, wishing to do anything it takes to help him get better. Clearly, Midoriya needs therapy. You'll have to ask around and find him an adequate specialist, maybe even pay if Izuku's low on cash, but you can do it. He's your best friend. Even if your colleague is right and he'd do anything for you, you'd do anything for him either. That's what friends are for.

When Izuku lights up, you hope he'll accept your help, but instead, he says, "Just stay with me like this."

You blink again and sigh in frustration. Of course, he'll pretend like he's ok. He has always had.

Reaching out to him, you envelop him in a hug and bring his head to your chest despite how much bigger he is now compared to you. Izuku doesn't fight, eagerly wrapping his hands around your core like he waited for it to happen. You're fairly certain touch is his love language because he used to hug you almost every day when he was a kid. Sure, he did become more self-conscious once you turned older, but it didn't stop him from occasional cuddles.

"I'm not going anywhere, ok?" You repeat again to reassure him. "I'm here. I don't know why you're so fixated on the idea."

"But what if you're gonna meet some guy you'll fall in love with? Get married, have kids?" He mumbles, his breath warming your neck. "What about me then?"

Gently caressing his head to calm him down, you ask, "Well, aren't you gonna do the same? Don't you want to fall in love with some nice girl?"

He sighs loudly, head buried under your chin as he keeps clinging to you. "I've already had."

Eyes wide, you silently stare at him, but Midoriya doesn't stop cuddling with his face hidden from you like he doesn't want you to see him. What the hell? Is this a prank or something? What sort of a fucking rollercoaster is this evening?

You can't even believe he fell in love with someone. Seriously? And didn't even tell you? Who on Earth is this girl? Do you know her? How did they meet? Your head is ready to burst from the number of questions that only seem to multiple again and again with each sentence Midoriya says.

"But you never even hang out with anyone but me..." You start, furrowing your brows until Izuku is groaning in your chest, and it finally hits you.

He is talking about you.

You are the only girl he's ever cared about. The only person he's been close to. And he has always been nice, but also sort of exceptionally nice? Even your mom used to comment on how much he likes you, hinting at the evident crash he had for you, but you always thought it was just wishful thinking despite how much you'd liked him to be in love with you. Given how open he was, he would've already confessed, you thought. By the time you both turned into adults, you were pretty much convinced he didn't harbor any romantic feelings for you or no longer had them.

When in reality he might have fallen in love with you years ago and never fallen out of it.

It freaks you out that much your face is on fire. Fucking hell. How are you supposed to react? What are you going to say? You don't even understand how you are feeling about this. Do you like him? Sure, you absolutely do. But do you love him? Can you love him? He'll surely ask you to date now that the cat is our of the bag. And what are you going to say to that?

Instead, you try to direct your thoughts elsewhere and ask Izuku, swallowing a lump in your throat, "When did you f-fall in love with me?"

He mumbles something inaudible into your chest, and you have to grab his face and make him look at you despite how much you'd like the earth just to swallow you whole this very moment.

"When you first hit that kid for me, I think," he mutters with his face so red he resembles a ripe tomato.

Oh my god, you almost say to his face but manage to stop yourself, drawing a shaky breath instead. He's been in love with you all this time. All. This. Time. You are never going to live this moment down. Ever.

Your best friend had a crush on you for years, and you just blindly thought he was clingy for no reason aside from his loneliness. That he was just being moody when you went on a couple of dates in high school and talked to him about it. That he didn't date anyone himself because he's simply a very shy person and struggles to start a conversation with girls.

Were you being a huge moron to him all this time?

"You weren't supposed to find out this way," he grumbles, burying his head beneath your chin again. "I was preparing for a big reveal in a nice restaurant, and then we'd go on a trip, just the two of us."

You are so abashed you don't even have anything to say. Maybe you're actually dreaming right now on Midoriya's couch because only then it would all make sense. What the hell are you supposed to say? To feel? Your best friend has always been in love with you, and you had no fucking idea.

Again, not that you don't like him or anything. You do. Especially after he manned up a little, grew taller, and hit the gym, although you'd probably like him even if he still was 5"1 skinny as a rail guy with a baby face. It just feels weird to rapidly start developing these freaking intense feelings for someone you nearly considered a part of you.

While you're trying to somehow get out of this akward situation, your brain gives you the stupidest idea to make a joke, "Well, aren't we confident! Already planned a trip after confessing."

You almost feel him smile, but when he breaks the embrace to straighten and look you in the eyes, he has a sad expression on his face. "I'd try to convince you by any means possible I'd do anything for you. I was ready to grovel at your feet. I still am."

His words alarm you, and you immediately place your hands on his shoulders, causing him to smile again. You want to tell him under no circumstances he should do that to anyone at all, but Izuku keeps going before you can stop him.

"I mean it. I'd do anything. I'd let you hurt me. I'd let you rape me if you wanted to. I'd jump from the roof if you asked me. Whatever you want, I'll do."

Normally, a love confession would have made you happy, but the words he say break your heart instead, and your eyes are instantly wet before you even realize it. How could he say something like that? How could be so nonchalant about these things? Has he no regard for himself as a human being? No pride? No pity? How can he talk about being alright with you hurting him if only it meant you'd date him? How could be genuinely be fine with a thing like this?

'I'm sorry!" He apologizes immediately when tears start streaming down your cheeks. "I didn't mean to upset you, I swear! I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me."

You are fully sobbing now, clenching his stupid Captain America sweatshirt you got him last Christmas. This is so fucked up. How could he be okay with you doing these things to him? Why would he even go that far?

You can't stop yourself from embracing him once more, hugging him tight as your head rests on his broad shoulder. Midoriya doesn't protest, his gentle, warm hands already caressing your back as you sniffle.

"Izuku, you need help," you sob, soaking his sweatshirt, oblivious to his smile growing wide when you don't see his face.

Gently rocking back and forth like he's trying to calm down a child, he whispers to you softly in response, "Then will you stay and help me?"

It's such an innocent ask you have no second thoughts saying yes immediately because you better fall down the roof yourself than leave your friend in this state, and you don't even think about Izuku manipulating you into being with him. How could he? He's a cinnamon roll to the core. He's so good and pure it's dangerous for him to be left alone. Besides, you like him anyway, don't you? It's not like everything will change so much in a heartbeat. He's still your friend, still the closest to you. He'll always be. He just needs your help, and you can't say no when he's been so traumatized and really needs help.

Izuku knew you'd say yes, anyway.

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Tags: @yanderetodorokishoto @minshookie29

[railingsofsorrow]

do you need me?

[spencer reid x reader]

summary: the one where emily's death takes a toll on you. based on the prompt “don't come over, I can handle it.” from this prompt list.

pairing: s.reid x gn!reader

w.c: 3.5K

warnings/content: mentions of skipping meals; grief; mourning the loss of a friend; jemily (implied); blood; non-graphic descriptions of violence; character death (mentioned/not the MCs); addiction; intoxication; survivor's guilt; crying; unhealthy coping mechanisms; this is... heavy, be aware.

A/N: HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! I wish that we all have an amazing 2024. here's the blurb you voted for. hurt/comfort at its best <3

navi

masterpost

cm masterlist

would you like to enter my taglist?

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❝ it did not kill me and it did not make me stronger. it simply was and always will be scorched upon my heart. ❞

— d.j

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You don't know who took Emily's death the hardest. Pain is not something that can be measured or compared, people deal with it in different ways. Some are quieter in their grieving, others are loud. And although each one of your teammates knows how to compartmentalize their feelings, there was a fog in their eyes, a heaviness in their shoulders more than usual. Things you could relate well after all that has happened. You wish you didn't. You wished all of that was just a strange and far-off memory.

JJ was different — you noticed it during one of your night outs.

Penelope had forced everyone to hang out after a case, to relax. It had been a few months after what happened to Emily and the team was still... sore. Rightfully so.

Hotch and Rossi left earlier, leaving you, Derek, Spencer, Penelope and JJ at the bar. The only ones who weren't intoxicated were you and Spencer. You were pretty sure the conversation Penelope and Derek were having in their own little world was not PG-13, anyway.

“Do you think she's alright?”

Spencer asked, casting a look towards JJ. It's been half an hour she was nursing a glass of water — you had purposely brought her this one since she'd lost count of her shots —, staring at it with her stare unfocused.

“She will be.” You had said and when he told you he was leaving, you asked if he wanted a ride home. You hadn't drank anything but orange juice. He refused it, hugged you and, before he left, he demanded that you'd let him know once you got home.

You ended up being JJ's designated driver that night.

It was when you first saw a crack through the mask she had put on. Emily and JJ shared a deep bond. You knew their friendship wasn't just friendship, even before Emily had revealed to you that she had feelings for the blonde a while back. When Emily was gone, you saw how JJ took it hard. Not that everyone else didn't as well, but the love from each person in the team carried for Emily was different from the love JJ had for her.

Between the gibberish she was mumbling in the passenger seat of your car, she let escape a faint “I miss her”. Her voice cracked and your heart ached.

“D’ you think...” She muttered as you were helping her into her bed. “D'you think she miss— a hiccup — misses us?”

You refrained from saying that dead people cannot miss anything. Instead, you waited for her to fall asleep, placed a cup of water and aspirin on her bedside table before leaving her apartment.

She pretended nothing happened in the next day and you did the same.

You thought JJ had it worst, until Spencer showed up at your door at 3 a.m craving for something he hadn't touched in three years.

Again, pain is not comparable. One does not hurts more than another; people deal with their hardships in life differently, even if they have gone through the same life-changing event.

Some let it show, others just know how to hide it better. You no longer knew if you were the former or the latter through the eyes of your friends.

The current case you were working on had rendered you mentally exhausted. A victim had been taken hostage and for two days you tried to negotiate with the unsub, but to no avail. You almost had it. Almost. When you thought you had succeeded in releasing the woman, she was shot right in front of you.

She died in your arms and there was nothing that you could have done to prevent.

Or was there?

There was nothing that you could have done. You have heard that before. Countless of times. People tried to inject that into your head as a way to make you feel better. And they have their best intentions, you do not doubt it. But it was no use if you couldn't bring yourself to believe these words.

This was just one of those days, when you didn't know how to cope with that overbearing sadness that crippled your mind.

There was nothing that you could have done. There was nothing that you could have done. There was nothing that you could have done. There was nothing that you could have done. There was nothing that you could have—

“Hey.”

You flinched, startled at the voice. As you came back to reality, Spencer turned up in front of you.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.” His face twitched into a grimace.

You cleared your throat, placing your stuff in your bag. You were so distracted that you didn't realise you had been holding the bloodied shirt you were wearing in the morning; you shoved it inside carelessly. I'm gonna burn it.

“You didn't,” you said. “What's up? I thought you had left already.”

Spencer leaned on the door, fingers playing with the strap of his satchel as he waited for you to leave the room. He followed you to the corridor, an unspoken silence that said a million things. His fidgety hands weren't just mindlessly stimming, he was nervous.

Everyone else seemed to have left, meaning the bullpen was fairly empty. You wondered how long you stayed frozen reminiscing as the minutes went by.

“I was waiting for you.” He responded as soon as the elevator doors closed.

You turned to him with widened eyes. “Why? I'm sorry I kept you waiting—”

Spencer quickly waved you off, “It's alright.” He gave you a soft smile. The one you felt warm inside. “I just wanted to know if you were okay.”

Oh.

“Of course I am.” You replied and you really hoped the tight smile you gave him was convincing enough for him to not question further. You weren't sure if you'd be able to not crumble down completely if he asked again.

“Are you sure?”

Damn, Spencer.

Yes, everything is good. I just need to get home, take a shower and have a good night sleep without interruptions.

Everything is good.

You don't know how many times you repeated that until he walked alongside you to the parking lot.

Arriving home was all that you needed to let your armour aside. God you were so tired. You didn't even reach your bedroom before the tears came like a waterfall. Falling into your couch, with no strength to stand, you finally stopped fighting against the sadness and let it lead you for the time being.

It's hard trying to be strong all the time, isn't it? Not admitting you need someone to be there for you because you only know how to be there for people. You tell them it's going to be okay. You let them be vulnerable. You say it's okay to not be okay.

Why can't you treat yourself the same way you treat the people around you?

You count every raindrop falling down your window, it helps you focus on reality. It was grounding and a few minutes later you have stopped sobbing your heart out.

It was raining hard outside. When you open the window, the cold slips right in and you stay there, enjoying the wind pushing your hair back.

You dial a familiar number tonight. And you don't hang up after two rings. You think about doing it in the fourth, but the person picks up, apologizing before they say hello.

It actually makes your lips twitch slightly. You don't smile, but you feel like doing it after crying so hard.

“Spencer.” You say through the phone interrupting his incessant apologies for taking too long to answer, your brows creasing after you hear how strange your voice is. “You don't have to apologize. I was the one who called you at one a.m. Why are you even awake?”

“I was reading. Lost track of time. I— have you been crying?” Well, shit. Too much for thinking he wouldn't notice through the phone.

“Why do you ask?” You ask rather pathetically. Why did you call him? Why did you bother Spencer at one a.m when he could be sleeping? You should feel sorry for yourself. “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called—”

“I was thinking about you.”

Your breath hitches. You close the window and sit back on the floor and you feel like crying again, you don't know why. Maybe it's his voice. Maybe it's the fact that he makes you feel everything that you're allowed to feel.

He takes your silence as his cue to continue. “I know how much you love thunderstorms so I...” he trails off as if he's uncertain about what he will say. “I remembered you.”

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Spencer could take pride in saying he knew you better than anyone else.

He recognised the sound of your voice was different when your were excited about a particular topic and when you were discussing a case at work. He knew you brushed your hair behind your ear when you felt shy, but the same action could happen when you were uncomfortable. It heavily depended on the situation.

He was aware of your odd behaviour by the way you kept on touching your index finger throughout the day. The week, actually. Spencer could tell you were bothered by something, he could tell you were deeply upset. You skipped breakfast and you never had lunch with them. Not that past week.

And judging by the dark circles around your eyes, you weren't sleeping well either.

He saw himself in you a month back.

See, Spencer was the kind of person who didn't like being vulnerable around anyone. If anything, he mastered the act of not communicating his feelings, he just expected them to disappear, which didn't happen but he was getting better at understanding that.

After Emily's passing, the only one he opened up to was you. And it was the hardest and best choice he ever made. You made him feel seen. It was so easy to talk to you about anything that he didn't notice until a few days ago that you were a very good listener. Not that he didn't notice that before, no, it was not that. But you just listened. You comforted. You held.

Spencer was really concerned about your coping mechanisms, because he knew he didn't have the most healthy ways of dealing with things. He hoped you were better than him. He hoped you didn't let it build up until you were suffocating.

So when you called him, he wasn't lying when he said he was thinking of you. His lie laid on the reading part, he was trying to fall asleep but his concern was keeping him up.

I'm here for you too. He wanted to say. Please, let me be here for you.

“I know how much you love thunderstorms so I...” He sat down on the bed, shifting until he found a comfortable position. “I remembered you.” This is what he started with.

Your ragged breathing through the line cut off his rational thinking. So you have been crying.

He called your name softly.

“Hi. I'm here.” You say, forcing out an exhale.

“Talk to me.” He pleads.

He hears a faint sniffle, “I'm here, Spencer.”

No, you're not. You're far away.

“I'm here too. You know that right?”

“It's been a hard week.” You admit through your shaky voice. “I just needed to hear your voice.” You cut him off quickly. “I know that I saw you a few hours ago, but I—”

“Do you need me?” He was the one who cut you off this time. He couldn't bear you explaining the reason you called. You could call him as many times as you wanted. Every five minutes, every second. He wanted to tell you he missed you when your shift was over for the day even if he spent the entire day by your side, and that you never ever could bother him because he cherished your company. He wanted you close. And he just wanted you to be okay now.

“... It's one a.m, Spence.” There is some shifting through the line, sounds like you were moving around. “I— I can handle it. It's fine.”

“Do you need me?” He repeats, shuffling out of his room to the living room. He couldn't care less that it was one a.m. He found his coat hanged and didn't wait for your answer to put it on. Really, Spencer should have done it sooner.

He's half way on tying his left shoe when you breath out in resignation. Your voice much closer to his ear as if you were telling him a secret you should be ashamed of. “Yes. Yes, I need you.”

He let out a hum, standing up to grab his car keys and sprinted out of his home to go to yours.

“I'll be there in ten.”

You lived twenty minutes away from him, but he'd make in ten. He wanted to see you. More than anything, he wanted to tell you everything that you hadn't heard when you were too busy comforting people instead of yourself.

He stops short before knocking on your door, deciding on sending you a text to let you know he was there so you wouldn't be startled at the noise. He didn't get to click send as the door was yanked open. Your bloodshot eyes and swollen lips are the first thing he sees.

“Hi.” He says, slipping his phone into his pocket. As soon as he did that, your arms envelope his shoulders which caused him to let out a sound of surprise, but he quickly recover and wraps his own arms around you, squeezing your shaky body against his. “Hi.” He utters into the croak of your neck, his hand trailing up and down on your back gently. “I'm wet because of the rain,” he apologises halfheartedly. “Sorry.”

The laugh he hears through your sobs might just have made his day.

He was cold immediately after you slips out of his arms. You pull him inside your place and shut the door, claiming you would be back with a towel despite his protests that he didn't need it.

Spencer lost count of how many times he visited your place. He knew every corner of your apartment, every place you left books that you keep losing when you didn't found them on the shelves, every painting and drawing you had on the walls. The ones he happily convinced you to put on because you made them and they were beautiful, you just didn't believe it.

The two of you spent long hours on your couch, either reading a book and saying your favourite quotes out loud or just watching bad movies and TV shows to pass the time.

He'd ramble on and on about the inconsistencies of any plot and you'd engage in his refutations until you'd disagree and some bantering ensued.

“Here.” Spencer turns around to see you offering a towel for him to dry off. The middle of your forehead furrows slightly, he feels the need to smooth it out himself but he refrains from doing so. “It's dangerous to drive when the weather it's like this. I'm sorry that I made you come all the way here for nothing.”

“Nothing?” He shakes his head as if it's the most absurd thing you've ever said. “You're not nothing.” He accepts the towel and what he recognizes is a jumper of his he must have forgotten a while ago.

When he's completely dry, he walks to the kitchen where you had ventured off to make some tea.

Two mugs are placed on the kitchen counter, the smell of camomile slowly filling the room. You are lost in your thoughts again, mixing the honey in your tea with a spoon for forty-three minutes, your gaze unfocused. Lost.

His fingerstips trails down your wrist to your hand, proceeding to take one of your hands in his, thumb running across your palm. “Can you please look at me?” He requests softly, head tilting until you have no choice but to meet his eyes. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“It” are a lot of things. But he doesn't know if you feel comfortable enough to talk about all of them tonight. He'll just follow your lead and respect your time.

“I don't want you to see me like this.”

He feels your fingers tighten around his hand and he squeezes back as a form of reassurance.

“Like what?” He can't help but ask. Vulnerable? Human?

“Weak.”

“You could never be weak in my eyes.”

This time, he does smooth down the frown between your brows with his thumb, surprised that you don't reject his touch but welcome it by leaning into his hand.

Neither of you drink the tea. Instead, you move back to the living room, settling down on your couch. You end up cuddling, which wasn't strange because you have done it many times before. Now it just feels more intimate. His hold never strayed from yours. This time, he listened. He comforted. And he held you.

“I'm used to blood, we see it all the time.” you carry on, speaking directly to his chest as he looks down at you. “But I... My hands. There was just so much of it and I couldn't, I couldn't save her.” Your fingers play with the straps of his jumper to distract yourself.

There was nothing that you could have done.

“She knows you did everything you could.” Spencer reassures. He was well aware that you weren't just talking about the victim that you had lost today. “Wherever she is right now...” He lifts a hand to cup your face stroking your cheek with the utmost care in the world. “She knows.”

Your bloodshot eyes study him carefully, searching for any indication that could make you not trust anything he just said. He knew how hard it was to believe that you had no fault in the loss of a friend. Maybe if we had gotten there sooner... Maybe if we had figured everything out sooner...

A little bird told him once that you can't dwell on the past for long or else you'll be stuck in it. And those words — your words — helped on his healing process. He hoped he did the same to you now.

You were laying on his chest, one of your hands positioned right where his heart laid as your other arm involved his middle. His arm wrapped around you as his fingers were trailing up and down your back in the way he knew calmed you down. Spencer felt the most rested he hasn't felt in months and he wasn't even sleeping.

“Tell me if I'm making you uncomfortable.”

He shook his head in response, finding that statement completely absurd because it was not possible for you to make him feel uncomfortable. He's not a fan of PDA, but he found that he didn't mind it with you. So he lowered down on the couch, moving your body with his to be more comfortable, lips grazing your temple in a soft kiss.

“You're not.” He says brushing your hair away from your neck. Your eyes were shut and he could feel your breathing evening out. “Try to sleep a little.” He let out in a whisper to not disturb your peacefulness. He knew you needed it.

“Don't go.” You croak out, tucking your nose in the croak of his neck, breathing into him.

The corner of his lips quirk up. “I'll be here when you wake up.” He promises as thunder rolled outside. Fluttering his eyes shut when you have finally dozed off, he ignores the warnings in his head about sleeping on the couch and how bad it is for one's neck.

No, he could deal with that tomorrow. For now, he would just hold you.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

❝ all I know of strength, I have learnt from breaking. ❞

— sahiba

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

taglist: @lilyviolets

[acourtofmarvels]

Comfort - Cassian Pt.1

Summary: MC has a hard time coping with Rhys, her brother, being under the mountain. She originally leans to alcohol until Cassian confronts her to lean on something else...

Warnings: Alcohol abuse, mentions of vomit only at the beginning. Mentions of smut but nothing detailed (sorry)

Word count: 2k

"Oh, gods," Cassian groaned. He gagged, stuffing his nose into his arm to try not to smell it.

"You can leave," I slurred. My head was currently in a toilet, puking my guts out. Cassian was behind me, holding my hair back.

"Yeah and let your drunk ass choke on your own vomit and die? Don't think so." He gagged again as I threw up again.

"I'm not drunk," I replied. I was so very drunk. Of course I would never admit that cause that would mean he was right. And I don't like when he's right.

"We're having a long talk in the morning. You can't keep doing this every night." His voice was soft and full of concern. I wouldn't remember this conversation by the morning.

I would wake up with a pounding headache. A glass of water and a piece of bread with an elixer to help with the headache on the nightstand by my bed. I would see a fresh pair of clothes layed out in the bathroom beside a warm bath, kept warm from the magic of the house.

After my bath I would go back to sleep and wake up around lunch time. I would go to the kitchen and most likely find Cassian and/or Mor sitting at the table eating lunch. We wouldn't say anything to each other. I would eat lunch and then go about my day with whatever duties was needed of me. That following night I would either drink myself into the same pattern or cry myself to sleep.

I couldn't deal with my emotions very well. It seemed like everything was always heightened, especially sadness and anger. I found it hard to cope which is why I leaned toward alcohol. Just to numb it all. The night I didn't drink was punishment to myself. The guilty feeling just made me want to feel it all. I couldn't do anything to help him.

That next morning was different though. There was nothing layed out for me like usual. I deserve that. I never deserved Cassian's gentleness in the first place. It was never spoken but I always know it was him who left the stuff for me. Guess last night was the final straw. Whatever... I didn't care.

I ran my own bath and changed into clean clothes. I brushed my hair and pulled it up away from my face. I walked out of my bedroom in the House of Wind and went downstairs to the kitchen.

Cassian, Azriel and Mor were all there. I knew if they weren't out early in the morning they ate breakfast together sometimes. Rhys and I would join a lot in the past before but...

I wasn't ever awake for breakfast nowadays. If I was up that early I would skip breakfast and spar with Azriel at Windhaven. It felt like forever that I had been in the same room as all three of them. Thank the gods Amren wasn't here.

"Good, you're awake!" Cassian said loudly. I winced and closed my eyes. He did that on purpose.

"Would you mind keeping your voice down, please?" I whispered. I sat down at the table with them and some hot tea appeared in front of me. I loved this house.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you have a headache or something?" He didn't lower his voice. He was angry. That's fine.

"Azriel, there is something I wanted to show you," Mor said to him.

"Right, you mentioned you wanted to show me that. How about now?" Azriel replied. They both stood up from the table and walked quickly out of the dining room.

"You guys aren't slick." I rolled my eyes. I knew what they were doing.

"The drinking has to stop." Cassian went straight to the point. "You're not helping yourself."

"You don't get to dictate how I deal with my pain," I replied taking a sip of my tea.

"It's been 10 years," Cassians voice was soft and quiet now. "You have to find something else to lean on. You're going to drink yourself to death and I-... We can't lose you too."

I couldn't help the tears roll down my face.

"Our brother is in the hands of a monster. I cannot imagine the horrors he is going through and there is nothing I can do to help him! I can't save him, Cass... I can't free him. I do not know if he is okay. And I miss him so so much."

I hadn't let myself cry in front of my family since the day Rhys never came home. Since he spoke to all of us mind-to-mind that he couldn't come home.

Cassian was knelt in front of me, pulling me into his arms to cry into his shoulder. I knew he was crying too. We all shared the same pain. We all dealt with it differently. After a few moments of just holding onto each other, oh so very tightly. That deep fear of losing each other just how we had lost Rhys, we pulled away.

Cassian held my face in his hands, forcing me to look him directly in the eyes, our noses basically touching from the close proximity. "The drinking needs to stop, or slow down at least." He brushed away the tears on my face with his thumbs. "You are not going through this alone. We need you. I need you. You can't push us away."

"How do you deal with it?" I sniffed.

"I don't always. It hurts like hell and I'm fucking terrified for him... But Rhys wouldn't want this. He'd want us to be strong. For him, for each other, and for our court. Our people look up to us." Cassian pressed a longing kiss to my forehead. "You are not alone."

"What do you do when it gets to much?"

"Fight. Scream. Cry.... Fuck," he shrugged and I couldn't help but laugh a little. Cassian smiled when he saw he made me laugh. "I'm being serious. It's a great stress reliever."

"I'm aware. I just wasn't expecting you to say that when we are having a serious talk." I leaned away from his embrace, wiping the remaining tears from my face.

"You think highly of me if you think I can be serious for more than ten minutes." Cassian's smile matched my own now. We both bursted into laughter.

"Why did they send you to do the talking then?" Cassian stood up from his crouching position and sat on the table in front of me.

"Because Azriel would cave the second you started crying, Amren would most likely be the one to make you cry, and Mor didn't have the balls to confront you about it. We agreed that I could talk to you, comfort you and make you smile afterwards."

His smile fell after a moment of silence. "I need you back. This was the first time I've heard you laugh in 10 years. I need the old you back. And I'm not leaving your side until you are."

"I can't get back there. Not until Rhys is home and safe."

"I know... But you're not alone in this. We go through this together, okay?" Cassian held his hand out to me. I hesitated before I nodded and took a hold of it.

*** 5 years later***

"I gotta get to the Illyrian camp, Az is expecting me in 20 minutes." Cassian was walking around the kitchen of the cabin looking around for his things.

"Can't you tell him you're running late?" I pouted.

"You know he hates when people are late. He's already pissed at me for last week. 2 minutes late and he has a come apart." Cassian pulls on his boots.

"Yeah he really went hard in our training yesterday since I was late." I walked him over to the front door.

Cassian turned the knob to the front door and opened it slightly. He let out a yelp and jumped slightly.

"What's-?" His hand clamped over my mouth and he pushed me back to where my back was against the wall.

"Mor! Hey!" My eyes went wide. Oh shit. "What are you doing here?" He sounds so suspicious. Was he even trying to act normal?

The wards in the cabin will mask my scent and basically soundproofs the whole cabin to the outside. There's no way she will know I'm here until she steps a foot inside.

But if Cassian doesn't stop acting all shady then she's gonna know somethings up.

"Why are you acting all weird?" I could just imagine the confusion on her face right now. We are so screwed.

I was trying so hard not to laugh right now. Cassian's hand pressed tighter over my mouth. His thumb ran gently back forth on my cheek.

"I've got a female over. Look I don't need your judgement, okay? A guy has needs. But I would really prefer you not come in." Okay he's not wrong. He didn't say who he had over. Cassian is awful at lying so telling the truth is more convincing.

"Oh, really Cassian? Ugh," Mor gagged. "You couldn't have taken her somewhere else? This is our place. We share it."

"Don't act like you haven't brought someone up here to fuck before. We've all done it. Now, what do you want?" I smirked against his hand. I reached out my arm and ran a finger down the inside of his wing. Cassian inhaled quickly and tucked them in away from my reach.

"I left a book here that I need. Can I come in and get it?" Cassian moved more to where he blocked more of the entrance.

"Where is it? I'll get it." Mor told him where she left it and what it looked like. He closed the door in her face quickly. His hand that was covering my mouth now gripped my jaw.

"You cruel, wicked thing. Are you trying to get us caught?" He towered over me. His eyes flared with passion as he looked down at me.

I bit my lip and batted my eyelashes up at him. "Maybe," I smiled innocently.

His hand trailed from my face down to my throat where he squeezed gently. "You're so in for it tonight." He leaned down so close I thought he was going to kiss me. I craved it. I wanted him. I know he could smell my arousal.

His lips brushed against mine before he pulled back and walked away. "You're not the only one who can tease." He had Mor's book in his hands now. "I've gotta go. When you touch yourself later make sure you think of me." He winked at me before opening the front door and walking out.

Asshole.

Ok so I stopped the excessive drinking that day Cassian talked to me 5 years ago. But I was having a hard time channeling my emotions into something else. I think I definitely wore Azriel and Cassian out with the constant sparring. Which was a shock. I screamed a lot, cried a lot. Cassian was by my side the whole time like he said.

400 years. 400 years I have known Cassian and not once have either of us made a move. I know Cassian never did because I was Rhy's little sister. I never made a move because I didn't want to anything to change between mine and Cassian's friendship.

But one night. Just one night I was so tired of screaming and crying. My whole body hurt from sparring with Azriel that morning. But I still needed a release. Some sort of release.

I don't think I remember exactly how it happened next. I think 400 years of pent up sexual frustration finally broke between the two of us and neither one of us gave a fuck about what the repercussions would be.

And we haven't stopped since. We can't tell the others. No one can know. It's our secret. Mor and Azriel wouldn't understand. Amren couldn't give a fuck. I think she already knows anyway.

Azriel probably suspects something is going on. He is the spymaster overall. He knows everything. He hasn't said anything otherwise which I'm grateful for.

Maybe this happening between Cassian and I wasn't so surprising. I've always been attracted to him. I've always loved him as my family and best friend. Who am I kidding though? It's obviously been more than that.

We have something special.

I think he could be my mate. I love him so much. If he's not my mate I don't even care. I want him forever. I need him for eternity.

Part 2 continues here

[bobosbillionsknives]

i agree with a lot of your points about knives, i do also think he is aroace of some kind (demi imo), but the way he ignores bodily autonomy wasn't a theme that was new to stampede. the way he consumes other plants and forced vash to use his angel arm are examples of it, though less explicitly 'sexual'. either way, his actions weren't born out of sexual attraction, he simply thinks that all plants are an extension of himself and he can use their bodies as he pleases since its for a 'greater purpose'. he is not a predator but he isn't innocent either

Oh no no no no no no no I do NOT wanna give the impression that I am genuinely defending knives is ANY way. 😭

I completely agree with everything you're saying. He is inarguably abusive. Saying he's not would be a wild ass claim to make. 🙏 My only argument here is that it isn't specifically sexual, but I'll get more into that in a bit. 😝 I have SO MUCH to say abt this...so I'm gunna use this as an excuse to word vomit on y'all. Thank you for bringing this to me I am itching.CRAVING to talk about my favorite girls always. 🤗💖

INSANE ESSAY POSTING LETS GOO !!!

I think your point on Knives seeing the plants as an extension of himself is SPOT ON!!! He does the same thing with Vash too. He's doing it because hes so stuck up his own ass he seriously thinks there is no possible way he could ever be wrong, everyone else is just too blind or stupid to see it his way. That's why he does the whole "eternal suffering for Vash the Stampede" bit. He genuinely cannot comprehend that Vash just fundamentally disagrees with him. He thinks if Vash goes out and sees every horrible thing a human can be he'll finally give up the hippy dippy act and face this false reality Knives made up as a coping mechanism so he never has to actually face any of his problems. Cause stabbing all your problems away is waaaaay easier than actual growth or change. Top ten girls who are trapped by the horrors of their past 😂!

Knives has a blatant misunderstanding of people's worth outside of himself. He disregards the lives of others constantly, he literally murdered 20 mil+ and was genuinely confused when Vash was mad at him for it. He doesn't take anything seriously. He especially doesn’t take physical pain seriously, unless it’s happening to himself. [DID YOU ACTUALLY SHOOT ME!!?] He's said that he knows none of the crazies he sends after Vash can ever kill him. He thinks if they can't kill him, then none of the hurt Vash experiences during these fights really count. Its always a game to him. He knows Vash will be fine because he has faith in his ability to fight. (He's complimented his fighting skills several times lol.) Yet he’s consistently shocked and disgusted when he sees Vashes scars, like he didn’t play a role in that ??? He just never thought of it until it was literally staring him in the face.

HE THINKS EVERYTHINGS A DAMN GAME !!!!!

Knives never really wants to force Vash to agree with him either, he's literally waited decades for him to come around to his point. He's definitely lashed out violently before, and has disregarded his safety. But I don't think he actually even likes seeing Vash in pain 😭 (maybe a little in a Itoldyouso brother kinda way lol.) He's completely horrified when he sees his scars. This panel speaks absolute VOLUMES to me. He is angry that Vash would allow people to hurt him this much. (Bro is for sure a victim blamer 🥱 Vash OBVIOUSLY should've known humans are evil and would do this to him. 🙄 HIS FAULT !) Those scars solidify in his mind that his brother is reckless, and clearly doesn't know what's best for himself. That's why he feels the right to "save" him from humans. Knives out of anyone in the world knows how much Vash disregards his own life. He's angry that his own brother would choose the perceived violence of humanity instead of the safety he has worked SO hard to cultivate for over a hundred years. After everything they learned from their childhoods, Vash would have to be deaf and dumb to keep crawling back to them. (From his perspective anyway.)

Everything Knives does he thinks is to better Vashes life. That's what makes him such a tragic character to me. He genuinely believes he's in the right and doing everything he has to so him and his brother can feel that safety that was never guaranteed to them in childhood. He loves Vash, (PLATONICALLY !!!! 😰) He wants Vash to be happy. He just doesn't understand why, that despite everything, living alongside the humans is what makes him happy. Something he only accepts at the end of trimax when he literally trees himself to assumed death so Vash could have that. Knives is unambiguously in the wrong, but I do think his thought processes are sympathetic. WRONG. But like .I get it girl. Besides, he acts more like a toxic mother than anything. How DARE you be so ungrateful after everything I've ever done for you that you've never even asked for. ✋😒 and EXPLICITLY told me not to do. Ugh. 🙄 you don't even love me…guess im just a terrible brother than huh…🥀 BITCH SHUT UP !!!!

Now about the asexuality, not only...do I think Knives is aroace. I think he's completely sex REPULSED!!!!! Sex is a mark of human degeneracy, animals clinging for power over each other. Hed think hes above it !! It would disgust him, I don't think he's ever had a sexual thought in his life. He’s also a Jesus freak he'd think procreation in general is a sin 🙄‼️ik his interpretation of the bibles gotta be INSANE. Exploring sensuality is like a normal and healthy thing to do no fucking WAY Knives is self aware enough to do all that. If he could experience any kind of libido, his hatred of humans would never allow him to explore it anyway. Since sex is such a huge part of human culture. He probably thinks consensual sex is a myth humans made up to assault each other easier…😭

this is literally him bro I can't see him any other way...🚬 He's literally a pearl clutching mom who refuses to understand anyone else's experiences because he doesn't understand them.

I can't imagine him being able to feel romantic love either...I actually think it would be pretty out of character ngl. Plus I think it could be an interesting element of why he feels so disconnected from humanity in general. It would be part of why he feels the need to define himself as alien. Knives would rather die than admit this, (and he did) but all he's ever wanted was understanding. The same way Vash does. Knives doesn't understand sexuality/romance, or deep empathy, or most social confinements at all. That's clear by his inappropriate emotional reactions and lack of a filter. He can't feel emotions the same way Vash or Rem can. It makes it very difficult for him to relate to and connect with others. Especially Rem. He feels too wrong, too broken, too alien. But he's convinced himself that this is actually a superiority. So he can sleep at night. But he's far more human than he'll ever be willing to accept. The familial love he feels for Vash is the only thing that makes him feel normal. And it's why he clings to it so desperately. I think that feeling being explicitly familial makes the most sense for the story.

(cut for explicit talk of SA/CSA)

Im never one to dismiss bad actions from a fictional character. If I thought Knives was a sexual abuser, id say it. I even considered it before I watched/read Trigun and kept it in mind the whole time because of how prevalent of a take it is. If anything, I feel like theres more evidence for metaphorical depictions of Knives BEING sexually abused than being the sexual abuser. I mean his literal whole thing is how plants bodies are used and abused against their will. Solely for the humans gain. While it's slowly and painfully killing them. And how afraid he is that they'll do it to him too....😭 He would be absolutely HORRIFIED by SA. I just don't think it's an abuse he'd perpetuate. It goes against literally everything he stands for. I get he’s a hypocrite and all but I could just never see Knives of all people doing anything sexually ever. ESPECIALLY for his own pleasure.

Both Vash and Knives read to me as CSA victims. This would need to be a separate post all together because there is entirely just too much to say. But I feel very strongly about this interpretation and it's why I'm so firm on this. Sexual abuse is a huge theme in trigun OBVIOUSLY!! And Vash and Knives can easily represent different ways people cope with trauma like that. Knives gets angry, and bitter, and lashes out. While Vash shuts himself off, and tries to run away from it all. Two extremes from two brothers. Two sides of the same coin and all that. They've been victimized, I think it's the main reason why Knives would be so angry and distrustful of humans. Now I know Steve was kind of a throw away character from the anime- but I believe long term interpersonal abuse from a human early in life would explain a lot of the deep rooted hatred Knives has for humanity. Along with his hatred for Rem if she failed to protect them, and his deep sense of entitlement to protect Vash if Vash couldn't protect himself. (Tesla was the last straw for Knives bc at least for a while he thought he could trust Conrad till all that happened and he realized the only person he could ever trust was Vash, and that fear never really left him even 100+ years after.) (My interpretation of Conrads role is also a different post gerrrrr TOO MUCH TO SAY.)

Knives' ideology has always been inconsistent, I can easily see him disregarding autonomy in some ways but refusing to in others and never making a mental connection between the two. Plus Knives would think Vashes scars are shameful and disgusting. He probably cant even make himself look at him let alone touch him be so fr. Knives' definitely has an unhealthily attachment to Vash but not in a sexy sex or ROMANCE way 🤦‍♂️ ITS JUST HIS BPD YA’LL 😝‼️#favoriteperson #extremefearofabandonment #vashkeepsleavinghim (also another separate insane essay post) there is no argument here that Knives isn’t extremely bad at emotional regulation. Familial/platonic dynamics like that happen literally all the time it’s just not evidence of anything to me. I can't even see Knives directly punching someone let alone be capable of sexual violence against his own BROTHER ? I'd argue he's far more verbally/emotionally abusive than he ever is physically anyway. He doesn't even kill directly, it's always either done without a second thought by his powers, indirectly by starving the population out, or by making other people do it for him. He doesn't seem to actually enjoy seeing people in pain, more the satisfaction of a job well done. I don't see why this wouldn't apply to Vash too? He doesn't even usually initiate their physical fights. Vash does. (He has every right to, for the record. Knives just doesn't comprehend why Vash would be mad so he always tries to talk like everything is normal. Lol.) And when they are fighting he always puts his hand on his face ?? More annoying than a direct indication of violence. He could just punch him or something but he doesn't? Like violence in Trigun isn't a thing known to happen. Idk I think that's interesting and worth exploring a bit yk ???

Obviously he chopped his arm off I'm not saying he's innocent there either, just that he's more likely to be emotionally manipulative than explicitly interpersonally violent LOOLL. He didn't chop off his brothers arm because he enjoyed it, to him that pain is neutral. It was just a super casual reminder. But SEXUAL violence is completely different, sure it'll leave scars but you can heal from physical pain all day and night I mean commooon it barely even COUNTS as real pain. (Because he rarely has to experience it.) (A certain someone's got a major empathy problem.) And if it kills you it doesn't matter cuz you're already dead 😝!! But SA is different. It's his worst fear and greatest agony. It's something he knows sticks with you your whole life, he doesn't think that's a wound capable of being healed. (So he never tries and chooses to live in constant fear and anger instead.) That's how I see it anyway...🤕 Again it's not like he's a reasonable guy he is known to be a bit unstable idk if u knew...

Actually if anything, I think Vash would be the more interpersonally violent of the two. (Vashes abuse is always reactionary tho he would never act like that if Knives would just be normal lol he is not the aggressor here.) I can't see Knives punching Vash but I could VERY easily see Vash punching Knives ykwim ??? (For trimax anyway, ik kid Knives beats the shit out of him in 98 which I DO think is funny. But I don't accept into my personal canon okay LISTEN we are talking about a lot of conflicting characterizations here. JUST HEAR ME OUT. ✋) Knives never even really blames Vash for BLOWING HIS LEGS OFF in July too, which I always thought was so interesting. It makes me think this is actually a common thing for them to the point that they don't even argue about it outside of "are you actually aiming at me again 🙄?" Which is more bitchy than angry. Like ugh I can't believe you. Typical, typical Vash. 🥱 He'd probably use it as a way of proving to him that they are the same. And despite denying it, Vash would actually agree and feel a deep sense of shame abt it. He's had 150 years of pent up anger after all. He almost killed him with a rock once lol. I'm tired of everyone woobifying Vash as some kind of perpetual uwu victim. Vash is fucking mean sometimes. He is just as capable of violence as Knives is. The same way Knives is just as capable of great kindness. It is known that Vash is in fact physically STRONGER than Knives. (With his plant powers and id assume in general because Vash actually goes outside while Knives reads in his garden all day.) I truly believe that the only reason Knives ever wins the sibling fights is because of Vashes constant hesitance. He's not a battered wife stereotype. All Vash wants is control over his own life, the last thing he'd want to see himself as is a helpless victim. It's why he always pretends nothing is ever wrong with him. It's why he doesn't accept help, and values other people's problems far above his own. His kindness was always an active choice and that's why he's such a powerful character. And Knives would bring out the absolute worst in him LOOL all that work he's done to better himself is instantly thrown out the window the second Knives' very punchable face walks in the room.

He was fighting absolute demons not to run over and beat tf out of Knives in this panel

This is why I feel so disgusted by stampede and the way they handled their relationship. They've dumbed down these characters to the point that they are unrecognizable. Literally every aspect of stampedes portrayal of them feels like a first conclusion based on a synopsis of their goals and personalities. I get there's only one season but that's a LOT to fuck up in one season bro. 😭. There is absolutely no salvaging Nai as a character for me. I'd cover my drink around that guy I find him genuinely repulsive. At least with trimax, you can read around an initial sussy reading if you wanted. How anyone defends Nai, I don't even know. That whole plant insemination thing is pretty on the nose y'all. Literally doesn't even make sense for him to do that like? Why would he want more independent plants??? It's like they tried to make Knives' motivations make sense when the whole point should be that they don't. He's fighting ghosts out of fear. Stampede wasn't even good enough to justify its own existence by how it looks. Adding peculiar plant pregnancy preggo fetish incest bait is just the turd on the turd cake. They ruined the most compelling part of the story for me. Pfft.... But whatever...🚬 not like I care ....🚬

Not to mention Legato y'all don't even get me started. The guy that HATES humans more than anything in the world taking in a HUMAN -SEX TRAFFICKING VICTIM. The one time he's ever taken pity on a human being and it was someone who was the victim of a violent sex crime. Yeah guys that dude. Total raper. Defo a brother diddler. What the fuck are we talking about right now y'all. I genuinely feel like sexual violence would be the last thing knives would ever do ever. I understand that there are sus scenes in the manga that could be interpreted this way, but considering the many themes in Trigun and his place in the story as a whole, I think it is such a misrepresentation. And it frustrates me to see it as one of the only things talked about in regards of his character. If I could, I'd rewrite every scene in the world so people could understand what I see, but I can't. And I know I can't control how other people see the media I like. Trigun is extremely interpretive, and I understand why this is a common conclusion. But I guess I just can't shake the feeling that it's more complicated than that. I have criticisms with trimax and ESPECIALLY 98. And there's obvi a lot id change to fit what I'd find most interesting. (Also why every headcanon revolves around Knives somehow teehee) BUUUUUT I do think all of my analysis is pretty based in canon. I can't stress how insane I am about this and how much I've thought about it 🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕. Believe me, I've considered every obstacle. And I've stayed consistent.

Knives is a raper feels like the easy answer to me. To be completely blunt, it's just not as compelling. Vash and Knives would both have very complicated relationships with their bodies and sensualities and gender and their relation to their plantself and their humanself and blah blah blah whatever. I'd much rather explore that as a separate result of the same abuse than default to supercestsimulator69. Knives is already an abuser. Making him a sexual aggressor too doesn't really add anything to the story besides diminish and dumb down his very complex motivations. Vash and Knives should be very good friends who know each other better than anyone. (They are trauma bonded like CRAAAZZY, very codependent like y'all get it.) I think that would make their conflict SO much more interesting. While providing some great context to why Vash is so willing to give every horrible person he meets a second chance at life. If I saw my brother, who I love, and is my best friend in the whole wide world, slowly deteriorate under the pressure of the abuse we we're BOTH experiencing; go fucking crazy and kill everyone. And I KNEWW. He genuinely believed he was doing what he had to do to protect the both of us...I'd probably also give everyone the benefit of the doubt idk. Vash understanding Knives' motivations but still holding on to that (justified) resentment and anger is ESSENTIAAAL to their dynamic and also literally all of Trigun. Sexual abuse throws a rock in all of this. If anything I think Knives would tell Vash "I'm the only one who WOULDN'T assault you. They're human, they'll only see you for how useful you are. It's what they do. It's what you know they do. You're choosing them over me the same way Rem chose Steve over us." Knives' abuse is complicated and multifaceted, not just some gross display of power. He's not even the most power hungry character in the world. He's got a whole cult dedicated to him that he canonically IGNORES.

And he sure as shit doesn't respect people who are desperate for power over others!! He'd think he's above that too. Just more evidence of human deviance. (Like the scene in 98 where kid Vash and Knives are watching the humans fight over water. Animals who think one is more deserving of resources than the other.) He's narcissistic in the literal diagnosable sense but definitely not some kinda megalomaniac. I think that's a huge mischaracterization. He doesn't want to rule the world, he wants to destroy it. And he wants Vash to be his equal in this, he respects Vash. (as far as someone like Knives can respect anybody at all) He doesn't understand why Vash would choose to be so "dumb" because he's never allowed himself to feel the vulnerability of potential harm that Vash wants him to understand is worth it. It's why he locks himself away from the world, he's afraid of being victimized again. Knives' morals are all over the place, he genuinely doesn't think murder is bad but would consider sexual violence to be the worst thing anyone could ever do EVER. It's not like we're talking about the beacon of reason and consistency here y'all, Knives is cray cray sauce.

Anyway that's my thoughts, sorry this took forever to answer. 😿 And ended up being SOOO long.. I've on and off mauled over this writing and rewriting again trying to make any of my garbled thoughts make any sense. Hope it resonates with anybody at least bc I genuinely feel like I've been taking crazy pills lately LOOL. Take care of yourselves everyone. 💖 Never an easy subject to talk about.

[moonlit-positivity]

Lets talk about journaling & what to do when you just can't write it out

So my main gripe with journaling is how much therapy will push this on you as if it's the only method to working out the kinks in your life. It's not. Journaling is not for everyone, no coping skill is. Everyone is different. And there are some major hiccups that come when you factor in:

• trauma involving invasive parents reading your journals and searching your rooms can give you a sense of paranoia around having an actual paper trail of your thoughts just lying around for others to see

• abusive partners and/or abusive environments that are hard to cultivate private personal space

• there is a huge stigma around journaling being a "feminine" activity and because of toxic masculinity men are less likely to engage

• it's just awkward. Sometimes it's just really really awkward to sit down and write your thoughts out on purpose. Some of us have never had that a day in our lives.

• What the hell do you write about???? How long do you write for??? How do you know when you're done???? Why does this feel like a punishment??? Or homework????

The concept of journaling can be kinda problematic for trauma survivors to get into. So the first thing to do is understand why it's useful and how it can help.

Writing things out is just a nifty neat little introduction to the concept of ✨ making space for yourself. ✨ How do you know what you're feeling if you never say it out loud? How do you know what you want & need if you never give yourself time and space to ask? Everything feels too much, you're numb, life sucks, too much pain and it's not safe for you to talk about it out loud, right? You gotta find a way to ask yourself these questions cuz chances are no one else will. If you've never had anyone care about you on a deeper level like that, the yeah of course this kind of attention is difficult to sit with. It's intentional, on purpose, you giving yourself time and space to think about things that probably no one has ever asked you before. That's scary. And it's never about the inability to write. You can write fanfiction, you can write poetry, you can write a 5 page essay on why you're fed up to a friend. That's not the problem. It's the concept of ✨ being alone with our thoughts✨ that's the actual problem. When someone suggests journaling to you, it can feel like, "yeah right, like that's gonna help." The thing is, who else is gonna help you figure it out? The same people you're holding your breath wishing hoping waiting and expecting to notice you suffering in silence and come get you out of it? Has that worked yet? At some point you gotta wake up & try something else.

Let's talk about alternatives & what to do when it is the actual fear of writing your thoughts out loud in a physical form:

Feel like someone's gonna read ur thoughts? Try this:

Write in code

Write in scribbles

Color code your emotions & write in colored scribbles

Rip up the paper when you're done

Tear the page out and set it on fire over the sink

Tear the page out and pour coffee or dark liquid over it to stain the page

Try a different creative / destructive outlet. Collages, coloring books, macrame, crochet, art projects, music, learn an instrument, play a video game, tear something apart, punch a pillow, scream, cry, ruminate & doom scroll to avoid ur feelings.

Use a notes app on your phone

Make a private discord server or private Tumblr specific for venting

Draw a picture

Use symbols

Draw vent art

Photoshop or digital editing vent art

Write fanfiction

Vent or talk to someone privately instead

Remember that you have a right to your life, your pain, and how you express yourself. Remember that you are absolutely allowed to cultivate a space of privacy and protection. Even if you just sit on it for a while and think about ways you can give yourself more privacy, space, and freedom of expression, that's the entire point.

Don't know what to write about? Try this:

Look up journaling prompts online

Look up art therapy prompts online

Ask yourself a question & write out the answer

Write about what's bothering you right now

Write a letter to someone

Write a letter to yourself, your past self, present self, or future self

Write about what you wanna do this weekend

Write about what you did last weekend

Write about what's for dinner

Write about what you're excited for

Write that WIP you've been meaning to write for years now

Write a fanfic

Draw/ vent art

Write whatever comes to mind

Use shorthand or just write a few words at a time

List out your thoughts in bullet form

Write really big, one word per page

Cuss someone out

Write a poem

There are no rules, journaling is literally just there to help you become aware of your thoughts and help give you a safe space to be genuine and authentic with yourself. The goal is to just spend more time with yourself.

Feeling nervous or too anxious to write? Try this:

Buy a journal with a sick cover and cool pages with art on them

Write on loose leaf pages if books aren't your thing and keep them stored in a notebook or folder

Body double or ask someone trusted to spend time with you while you write

Find a good space to be alone

Pick a time when it's soft and easy to reflect, like bedtime or morning breakfast

Set the scenery. If ur at home then put on some music. Light a candle or burn an incense. Turn the lights low. Vibe. Chill.

Go outside and write or take pictures instead

Ease into it with a crossword puzzle, sudoku, or something else that stimulates your brain

Grab a comfort item or set up a comfort station

Grab a snack and some juice

Do something nice when youre done

Vent online instead

Try a different creative/destructive outlet

Vent or talk to someone trusted

Remember that there is no "right" or "wrong" thing to do here. You don't have to write, you could try something else. Even if you just spend some time thinking about it, that's good too. The goal is to make space for yourself. That's all. No rush, no need to "get it right." Take ur time. Breathe. Do something else. It's fine.

Lack of motivation? Try this:

Stop expecting it to be on a schedule. If you're not able to make it a routine then that's where you are right now and that's completely fine.

There's no need to write every single day at every single time of day. You gotta find what works best for you.

I mean if that works for you then that's great too!

Sometimes it'll be so easy for your thoughts to flow, and other times it won't be easy at all. Don't forget that at the core of writing is the actual acknowledgement of whatever it is that needs to be said. Sometimes that's not an easy thing to do no matter how you're trying to sweeten it.

Sometimes its just a quick little "I'm pissed off because-" whenever someone pisses ya off. Yanno?

Other times it's like ten pages of you rambling non stop and it's nice because there's no one there to tell you to stop

Give yourself some room to breathe and wiggle with

Remember this isn't a race. You move on your own timeline and if it's not something you can do right now then that's fine too.

Literally just slow down and breathe. If you don't want to do it then you don't have to force it.

If you do wanna do it but genuinely can't, ask yourself what's the biggest issue in the way and go from there

If it's something like "I want to write but the effort to get the books and pens is too much" then makeshift a writing station. Make it portable. Throw your books and pens and crayons in a bag and carry it with you.

If it's something like "I think this is stupid and I don't want to do it" well then weigh out how it feels to keep going as you are now vs trying something new and kicking your parents ass for calling your emotions stupid.

If it's something like "my hand hurts" then yeah honestly I feel you, that's why I just started talking out loud to myself. At least my cat cares, right?

Can you find other ways of sitting with your thoughts? Yeah definitely. Just work really hard on noticing them. Writing is just a neat little way to do that. That's all.

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Hope this helps

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

[yanderes-galore]

Michael Myers yandere alphabet please!?

I don't think there's many changes from the DBD one, but I'll do my best!

Yandere Alphabet - Michael Myers

Pairing: Romantic/Platonic (Unclear)

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Stalking, Violence, Murder/Death, Blood, Possessive behavior, Kidnapping, Isolation, Marking with a knife, Forced companionship.

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

Michael is someone who would stay out of his obsession's sight for a long time. He is also shown to fixate on one target for long periods of time. His obsession is observing you, staying out of sight yet causing you anxiety.

Most of his obsession is the stalker stage. When he actually gets his hands on you his "affection" is rough. He is a yandere who seems more docile until he actually closes in on you... then he's intense.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

Being a slasher and called literal "evil", safe to say he thrives off the mess he makes. He shows little emotion in general, especially towards blood and corpses.

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

Michael is silent yet imposing once he takes you in. He makes no sound but it's clear he wants you to stay where he's put you. He doesn't mock... he doesn't say much of anything, really.

He just likes to stare at you... the only thing you hear is his breathing through the mask.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

If he feels you're going to try and avoid him, yes.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

Not vulnerable and hard to read. Michael doesn't let you know anything about his intentions. Not being able to read him keeps you on edge.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

Silent and stoic as usual, you can't tell. What you do know is he is at least annoyed due to his attempts to restrain you.

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

Hard to tell but I'd say no and he seems annoyed if you try to leave.

You're trying your luck.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

With Michael there can be a lot. I'd say him killing your loved ones or even being rough with you to try and make you more docile.

Isolating you after the trauma that comes with getting rid of your loved ones is probably the worst.

Nothing specific comes to mind for him, he just feels he wants you... so that's that.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

Hard to tell but he lashes out anyways, which makes it hard to tell if he's jealous or not.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

He's not a fluffy type of affectionate, he's rough and intimidating. While he mainly stalks you, if he's up close his "adoration" comes off as violent. I doubt he knows how to show genuine affection.

I've stated before that he'd be fascinated if you had hair, to the point of tearing some out to keep it. He keeps all sorts of belongings that remind him of you.

He isn't empathetic and just knows to take what he wants.

Which ends up in some pain for you... on purpose or not.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

Would start by stalking you. He watches your routine for possibly even months before he approaches. He takes things from you to soothe his obsession.

That is until it all builds up... leaving him desperate for more...

Right until he takes you away.

Not really. His mercy isn't even entirely mercy.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

I imagine Michael would do some cruel things to punish. What comes to mind is cutting your skin ever so slightly. Enough to learn your lesson... but not enough to kill.

Cruel, but he's done worse...

He could do so much worse.

Most if not all of them.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

Very patient.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

Hard to tell... but it seems like yes or he just doesn't let people know.

He will get volatile if anyone brings you up... so I guess that's a hint.

No and no.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

Hard to say, upbringing?

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

He leaves you alone for the most part, maybe feels a bit irritated but gives you your space.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

I'm just not going to answer this question as the answer is most likely yes when it comes to my work

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

Signaling help or trying to incapacitate him. Good luck, you'll need it.

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

Yes, unfortunately.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

Not a worship yandere but would slaughter any who try to take you.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

Months, maybe even years.

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

Yes.

[thebottomfromhell]

can i request a uppermoons x female reader who is like jinx from arcane (you can watch arcane on netflix!!)

I have watched Arcane, good show, saying it as a person who never played LOL. It's one of those series where one minute leaves 3 hours discussion of a topic, and Jinx is wonderful in it. I love what they do with her, showing her struggles with her mental issues and the violent and political world around her, one having to accept that she is very hard to deal with as everyone is trying their best and failing at whatever they are doing.

Let's see if I can make her justice.

Female Reader like Jinx (Arcane ver) interacting with the Uppermoons

Warnings: Small Hantengu, Cannibalism, Unhealthy relationships, Mental health issues and neglect, Bad coping mechanism, Implied polyamory (can be read with Hantengu and all the clones, some or just one), Excesive use of violence, Bullying, Mentioned non-character human death amd Slight angst.

Gyutaro (ft. Daki):

If Gyutaro had a yen for every girl that got attached to him in an unhealthy manor creating a dynamic of co-dependance due several mental issues that remained unsolved because his over-protectiveness and his comforming nature, he would have two yen. Which isn't much, but it's weird it happened twice, specially with how ugly he is. But Daki doesn't mind and you seem to like his unsettling face and body. Gyutaro is not against taking care of you both, he doesn't mind and will gladly make his life about someone he loves for the sake of having any worth and purpose...

The problem, or one of them, at least, is that Daki nor you like Gyutaro taking care of the other. You both seem to want the older demon for yourselves, having him comforting you, making every tiny bit of ick and pain go away. "I was here first! I was with him before you! I will be here when you are gone! You are only a phase! Get lost and stop bothering my onii-chan!" "Shut up! If I am a phase then why are you so bratty about it! Just accept that your brother likes me better than you! Right Nichi-nichi?" You talk to a blade from a dead slayer that you turned into a snake toy, hearing what it has to say. Nichi-nichi agrees with you, "of course you are more likable than that Daki bitch", you knew it would agree. And yes, Nichi-nichi pronouns are it/them, thank you very much.

Gyutaro just puts himself in between you both, letting you grab one of his arm and pull as she grabs the other. "Enough! Ne, both of you! Stop insulting each other, ne." He scolds both of you, not minding as both of you play with his arms, Daki bringing his hand to her face to have Gyutaro comforting her. "Onii-chan! Onii-chan, Y/N was mean to me!" Really, he has no idea how to deal with you both. What is he even meant to do, last time he chose Daki as the winner of the argument you not only tried to harm her but harmed yourself in the process. And he can't just... not side his little sister. The worst part is that he doesn't want you to leave, and you don't want to leave neither.

"Please, ne.. stop fighting." He pulls both of you into a hug, letting his sister nuzzle against his stomach and you against his hack, using his hands to sooth both of you, sighing when you both relax enough to the point you are almost asleep. Seriously, what is he meant to do?

Gyokko:

"STOP STEALING MY MATERIALS, YOU CRAZY WOMAN!!" He screams on top of his lungs as you stole some bones and katanas, besides some paint and ceramics to build a 4 bladed gun with shark appereance... with his stuff. "What?" You ask him, seeing his horrified look at the materials spread on the floor, some even wasted, to make... to make.. "What even is that?" He ask, not really knowing what to say, feeling his head is going to explode. "You like him? His name is Fishbones! He is a fish, just like you! Say "hi" Fishbones! "Hello Gyokko, is very nice to meet ya"."

Fishbones... fishbones, of course. WHY THAT PIECE OF TRASH HAS A NAME! WHY ARE YOU- WHY?! "My head hurts." He really doesn't know how to deal with the insane, with you. He means, you are fun to be around, always helpful to kill people and fetch materials of all times, you are also very creative and a piece of joy... most of the time. Other times you just behave like a brat, and he would usually get rid of you by now but he guess it was his mistake to warm up to you.

"Hey! It's rude to ignore people, Mer-artist. Fishbones is sad now!" You move Fishbones so the "face" looks down for him to be able to express his sadness. Sometimes Gyokko is just so rude! He should thank the gods that he is funny and has the best materials for art, or else you wouldn't stick around. He makes a weird face, which you guess could also be a normal face since his face is weird, and you just tale Fishbones closer to you. "Don't worry, Fishbones. The ugly mermaid is just like that, he will warm up to you." You reach your ear closer to hear what he has to say as Gyokko decides to ignore you for now, and god that was funny, you laugh at Fishbone's voices. "Hahaha! Good one!"

"Why did I do this to myself?" He ascts as he sees you running away to play... he should have just killed you the day he met you. For real.

Hantengu + Clones:

Hantengu... stands you. You are not the safest person to be around and not only he feels intimidated by you, but also a bit afraid. You are always on something, so, while he appreciates you and likes you, he prefers leaving you to his clones most of the time, who can entertain you and keep up with you easier. That doesn't stop you from pulling him off his safe space, taking in your hand when he is small and running around with him. "AHHHH! EEEEAAK! LET ME GO, PLEASE LET ME GO!" You only laugh and keep running as Karaku laughs while Urogi flies over your head, playing with you. "I will catch you! I will catch you!" "Try to catch me! But I have Hantengu! I am the queen of the ga-" you are interrupted with Sekido and Aizetsu arriving.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING! CAREFUL WITH THE MAIN BODY!" He says angrily as he walks where you are, everyone in their places without moving, until Sekido tries to reach your arm, making you dodge and keep running. "Catch me if you can!" Everyone stays dumbfounded for a while as Hantengu begins to scream again, grabbing himself on your fingers as the anger clone starts to build up fury as Karaku and Urogi begin laughing. "This is so sad, Hantengu looks like he will throw up. You are all just torturing the poor thing." Knowing he won't be heard, the sad clone just steps aside as Sekido explodes. "Y/N YOU FUCKING-"

He was about to strike you with the power of his staff but Karaku stops him as Urogi keeps chasing you. "Hey, hey, Sekido. Don't get so angry or you will be the one hurting the main body!" All the arteries seem to want to explode with some veins in the anger clone body, who just looks at the pleasure clone before stabbing him "THEN YOU GO GET THEM, YOU LAZY FUCK!" Karaku laughs as he heals "Ok! Guys! I was told to play with ya all!" This, again, angers Sekido as you all start chasing each other, except for Aizetsu who was waiting for everyone to calm down before inserting himself in all the action.

You like this group, it's mostly cozy and there is always someone willing to pay attention to you, to take care of you, listen to you. There are no expectations, just fun, being able to be a chaotic as you want, and you get to prove who you are in battle. "Got you!" Urogi lands on top of you, the impulse making you throw Hantengu in the air, being catched by Aizetsu's spear. "I think that was enough for today. It's making me sad." "Hahaha, great catch you both!" "Thanks!" "So scary! So scary!" "Can't you all stop causing trouble?!" Ypu would not change them for nothing. "That was great! Who wants another game?" "YES!" "NO!"

Nakime:

Look, you are a lovely woman, Nakime thinks it's endearing how you make your own projects and build up little things, as chaotic as they mey turn. You have like 7 rooms and 5 hallways to destroy as you wish in her castle, where you create your tinckets. She is very patient with you, listening to your problems when you want to talk about them, which you barely do, and gives you space when you need it. Sure, she doesn't talk as much as you probably wished she did, and Nakime does have her responsibilities, she still doesn't understand...

What did she ever do to you to blow up her room?! Nakime doesn't need to sleep, but of course she keeps a place for herself, one with luxuries and things she would have liked to have as a human, and now the surfaces are all burned up with the place destroyed. Her books, dresses, extra biwas... all gone. She doesn't even know how to react, the biwa of her Blood Demon Art almost slipping through her fingers. No words come from her mouth as you stand there, also burned but not as harmed as you could be. "Hey! Haha... this is not what it looks like."

Nakime then comes out of her shock. "What happened?" She knows better than to word it as "what did you do" since... you are not stable, at all. She understands that, and she also understand you have different needs from her, that your way of interacting with the world is naturally... other. Nakime likes to think that her stability is something that you need, something that will be good for you, as long as she can keep everything under control, as long as you both are in the castle. "I... wanted to make you a gift... but it didn't work like I wanted." You are guilty, you know how much Nakime loved the things in her room and you ruined it.

No, what are you talking about? You didn't ruin anythin, you had good intentions, you wanted to be helpful. That is enough, righ? You don't need to feel guilty about it, right? Right?! Nakime takes a deep breath before putting her hands in the side of you face gently, you can feel her loong nails scare away the ick and noise of your self doubt as her palms, not soft nor harsh, comfort you. "Ok. How about you lead me to your rooms next time." She is angry, but she also understand that her anger will be harmful, so as long as she can control everything... it will be fine. "Ok, next time!" You rush to put aside any bad feeling, relying in Nakime's stability for it.

Akaza:

He has to take care of you, he understands... you are a woman, and you are sick. Not the typical sick that can be cured, not that it ever bothered, but a sick more like... like Douma, not that Akaza will ever admit it. You have problems, a lot of them, and most lead you to cause problems. He understands that you want to prove your worth at the same time you just want to be able to live your life, he really does... but you need to stop. You need a break. To try and heal and it's awful because he can't nurse you as he should-

"Pinkie-flake! What are you thinking about? Your frown can basically shout in my ear." He doesn't get startled even when you break his concentration as you jump over his back, wanting a bit of attention. Akaza is nice, too worried for it to be healthy for either of you, as far as you are concerned, but he served as the best source of comfort. Now, if only he dared to let you fight, then things would be much better. Still, you like him a lot, Akaza lets you rambles and pays attention to you, trying to find solutions to your problems and is always around, so you never feel lonely or abandoned. "C'mon! Smile for me!" You say as you move to sit on his lap.

It's an innocent gesture, unlike what anyone would think, and Akaza understand that you want, need, the physical contact as he moves his arms to hold you in a more stable way. "C'mon 'flakes, say something!" He only looks at you for a while, not having idea what to say, or to do, besides embrace you close. It's a bit scary to not know what to do with you, because you do need help even if you don't want to accept it. Help that he can't give. "I'm thinking." Is all the can mutter.

You are not fine with not being told what is happening, so you start to poke his cheek with your finger, making sounds effects when you do. Akaza still lets's you be, berely noticing when the finger is replaced by a knife, stabbing the side of his mouth, blade meeting his teeth and tongue with the metalic taste of blood and the weapon itself. He turns to see you as he heals. "Oops... my bad." You laugh nerviiusly as you put the knife away, and Akaza feels like he is about to cry at the loss. "It's ok. It doesn't really affect me." "like if affects on you", he doesn't say.

Douma:

"Y/N! Can I ask you a favor? I have a pretty lady in my room, could you go there and make me dinner while I finish speaking with a recent follower of mine?" You do, eager to prove that you can do it, eager to test a new item you made with materials Douma gave you, you want to show you appreciate it, that you can help. You just want to help. So you do, as much as you can, even if that includes killing an innocent woman. If you are affected by it or not, it's not your priority.

"Well, it's a bit messy here." He comments, you over did it, you can admit that, but it's not like Douma minds. On the contrary, he seems cheerful at it. "Not that I would left the place better, my killings are almost clean, but I am a messy eater." He sits besides you as you smirk and laugh "Oopsie." He only laughs with you as he picks up a piece of leg and takes a bite, blood splashing in his face, making you laugh louder. "So..." he starts after chewing a little, swallowing before he continues. "How was your day?"

You start to ramble about it, making jokes and comments, sharing the moments with Douma as he listens, or is very good pretending at the least. He is interactive, but a paranoid part wonders if it's because he grew up doing this, he knows how to react, but does he actually care? Still, you would not just stop coming to Douma, who is not only a good resource of... everything, honestly, but he is just great. He lets's you do as you want, makes sure to listen, you both can have fun together, gives you chances to prove yourself. Really, why would you dislike Douma? Because he is fake? New flash, not everyone is as honest as they like to pretend they are.

Douma finds you entertaining, odd and new, exciting. He understand that you are both weird, that you should have been in a way that was not the same results as expected. Something is wrong with you, just like something is wrong with every demon he has met, himself included. Maybe one day he can turn you into one, would be hell of a demon lady, might even reach the Kizuki system. But those are thoughts, right now he is pretending he can help you, when honestly, nobody can. "Oh, really? Tell me more."

Kokushibou:

Kokushibou doesn't know what to do with you, rambling and using objects as toys, he thinks you as childish. It doesn't help the fact that you are sensitive, getting upset quite easily, but hiding it most of the time. Not that he would like to be responsible for your feelings, he can barely deal with his, so both of you shutting them down seems good enough. "Shi-Bobo! How've ya been! Missed me?" Urg, and the nickname. Seriously, he doesn't even know if you mean it as "death-eye-eye" or "death-moo-moo", why are you calling him that?

"It's not appropriate to call me that." Is the only thing he says, ignoring his question asn you walk around him playfully, slowly and gracefully before suddenly jumping on hin, graving yourself by his shoulders as you put a knife in his throat. Is it even a nichirin one? "C'mon, give a girl a break. It's always "blah blah blah rules! Blah blah etiquette! Blah bla blo-bloring-boring!" Say something fun for once!" His answer? Silence.

"Urg! You are so boring." You put the knife away, losing interest due the lack of reaction. Is it really too much to want something to happen? Something fun! A distraction from... ya know... everything. You really like Kokushibou, he is pretty and elegant, sometimes shy, which makes him easy to mess with. Other times he is just stoic, reacting at nothing, so you always have different buttons to press. So you move around him again before suddenly cutting one leg of his hakama pants and a little bit os skin. He didn't dodge due the surprise and the fact you didn't really hurt him... well, his pride is hurt with a leg exposed.

"What is wrong with you?!" He almost screams, almost, as he raises his voice and face becomes red ah he looks bashed and angry at you at the same time, you didn't know that mix was possible before him. "Awww. Is Shi-Bobo embarrased that his leg got exposed? Is he afraid to be grabbed by it? Big strong demon not liking the attention?" He reaches his sword, genuinely questioning if he should draw it out and slain you. He takes a few breaths, calming down, clearly flustered as you keep talking, not bothering with the fact he is doing his best to ignore you, but then.... "Run or I will end you." Some seconds of silence before you laugh and start running. "Sure, let's play tag! You're it!" He really doesn't know why he bothers to try with you. Really.

[chezgender]

Cha cha cha / It's crazy it's party comparison

@tmrwds post and @izpira-se-zlato addition gave me brainworms. @kylla-kylla also saw the connection between ICIP and CCC and I saw their post after I started writing this. So I'm definitely not alone in being insane. Thus here is my own rant about It's Crazy it's Party.

Notes:

ICIP lyrics transcript taken from @koppitules on twt, translation taken from a Käärijä discord

CCC lyrics and translation from lyricstranslate.com

Disclaimer: This analysis is purposefully exaggerated/dramatic in order to highlight contrast. I do think Jere loves his job and career, ICIP is definitely a fun song in which you can find (or not) a deeper meaning, it's up to your interpretation. I just love angst lol please don't come at me I'm sensitive 🤡😭

(ps. sorry to all the people I tagged. You don't have to interact with this, I just wanted to give proper credit)

Let's start. Bear with me being cringe.

First verse

At the beginning of CCC, we see how partying is reserved for the weekend - it's something cathartic after a long week of responsibility and worries, it's an outlet for stress and negativity. The world can't scare him no more, as he mentions later in the song, now that he's having fun.

In ICIP, people have pointed out how the first verse reminds them of CCC, musically wise. This is definitely on purpose, the main difference lies in the lyrics. Here Jere reveals that partying now it's an everyday thing. It's an endless circus of traveling despite everything, he's the cog in a machine bigger than him. The world that seemed so tiny compared to the fun, is now scary - the party is now and tomorrow and 365 days a year, in Finland and even abroad. As if there was no safe place. He can't escape it and it's overwhelming to the point "you'll feel it in your hair and your ass" (honestly, weird phrasing, but it gets the point across I guess?). Either way, this party is almost ineluctable.

Chorus

In the CCC chorus he says he wants to forget about the pains of daily life by getting wasted and drinking with both hands on as many drinks as he can hold, until he won't even be able to get up. Honestly, although this doesn't seem like a healthy coping mechanism (but I'm none to judge), it does look willing and deliberate - he makes the choice of getting drunk on the weekend. He's in control of when the party happens.

In ICIP instead the chorus is shorter, and quite tautological: crazy is crazy, party is party, and life is life, you know? (see @tmrwds for a cultural insight on the "elämä on laiffi" phrase). There's a different feeling in this chorus, the singing is soft and maybe even a bit sexy but the lyrics hold a touch of resignation in between. This party is not a deliberate choice anymore, Jere doesn't get to choose when his life is crazy/party and when he gets to rest.

CCC 2nd verse / ICIP Tommy's verse

Without need for lyrics, also because most people have a hard time understanding what Tommy was singing live, I'll talk about this in brief. I chose to include it because Jere himself sang some parts of it during the live - mostly echoing, but still.

In CCC, Jere parties almost alone. Well, it's implied that there's more people to that party but the song is about him, his own liberation from stress and whatever thing was keeping him bound and off the dancefloor. There are no explicit references to other people.

In ICIP instead, Tommy sings about a club in which they enter and people go crazy. They talk about sex in a rather crass way, probably for kicks, but as mentioned in @tmrwds post, it could definitely hint at the wrong kind of attention Jere is receiving. People in his DMs and probably even in person are making more or less explicit advances on him, surely unsolicited, but it's part of the party.

And Tommy invites Jere to party with him (that modulated voice parodically reminds me of the beginning of Barbie Girl by Aqua). Jere says yes, of course he wants to party with him, right here right now (no matter the day, or his condition, does he really have a say in it?)

Another thing I'd like to point out:

Jere in CCC mentions "it's hard to talk when this different side of me does its part" / Tommy in ICIP mentions how the alcohol makes it hard to think (obviously, but I'm clinically insane and I see intertextuality everywhere) - so, basically, the "side of him" Jere talks about in CCC renders him carefree, maybe happy, definitely free of burdens. In ICIP, this "part of him" seems to have taken complete control to the point Jere can't tell himself from it.

Last part of ICIP

"Let's go party" leads to a countdown - inexorable and short, leaving everyone little time to get ready. The song explodes like a bomb, reminds me of a breakdown in a Korn song. The bass hammers hard and everyone is jumping, hearts bursting, everything is out of control. To quote @izpira-se-zlato , there's an apocalyptic feeling to it. Jere can't do anything but let himself be engrossed without a chance to escape. Which he can't, lest he gives everything up.

Where CCC was party metal with a touch of eurodance, ICIP definitely belongs to an insane rave. It reminds me of Dutch hardstyle, dubstep and a touch of eurodance until the end, which screams industrial/nu metal to me, only adding to the concept of hammering and exhausting work/lifestyle.

We could say that It's Crazy it's Party is the Välikuolema to Cha Cha Cha's Viuliunkieli, in a way.

Jere is a storyteller in most of his songs, and it's clear he likes such narratives to carry on between different tracks (i.e: I think the Viulunkieli/Välikuolema narrative carries on to Morgan), so it's only fair to assume the two songs combined tell a whole story.

Further speculation: Jere has often said he's really tired in this precise moment - the relentless touring throughout summer is obviously taking a toll on him, no matter how much he can love what he does. It would be exhausting for anyone. Plus, the "ghost" of ESC follows him everywhere: sometimes I get the feeling many people perceive him as the CCC-guy rather than the complete artist he is, so maybe he's trying to change this.

As many people already said, the story Mikke posted with the grave being dug could hint at the burial of green-bolero-Käärijä. I don't believe Jere is denying the fame and good things it has brought, but he's probably willing to turn the page and carry on with something new (and probably take a long, well deserved break). Or maybe the MV will just be homoerotic softp-rn featuring a grave, WHO KNOWS. I just know I can't wait to see what's next. I love ESC-Käärija (without CCC I wouldn't even be aware of his existence, so I'm forever grateful) and that love will forever be a part of me, but I also welcome this change with open arms in hopes to see him grow more and more.

Conclusion: the speculation is very real and material and I am very very cringe <33

[harrington-love]

Steve and Nancy's story is complex and beautiful...and not everyone will understand it.

I pity the people who cannot, or refuse, to see the beauty in Steve and Nancy’s story. A story about how trauma impacts your relationships and the way in which you cope with traumatic events. A story about how in the beginning, these two teenagers were not compatible but attempted to make their relationship work, only for the shame, guilt, and blame to take over and rupture the relationship. A story about how it is crucial to acknowledge and understand your partner's pain, and be their support, their rock, their shoulder to cry on.

It is a story about a teenage boy’s fall from popularity, and finding his true self as a friend, a protector, a lover. A story about a teenage girl working to make something of herself, to establish an identity that is purely hers. A story about a teenage boy who works to rectify his past mistakes, and learns to give himself grace for being a human. A story about a girl being true to herself, trusting her gut, and believing in her capabilities without bending to everyone else's expectations of who she should be. A story about a boy who's love for a girl was so strong that it helped him change into a person she could trust and depend on. A story of a girl who sees this boy in a new light, and thinks maybe, just maybe, he can offer her a future of partnership, adventure, and love.

It is a story about how these two teenagers have worked to grow and heal (and how they will continue to grow and heal), and are in a better place now where they can be what the other needs in time. A story about a second chance at love, now that they are both in a better place to love the other. They're not perfect. They never were. Healing and growth are not linear. They will always have their faults, their flaws, and like everyone else, they'll hit rough patches along the way. The difference between Steve and Nancy then and Steve and Nancy now is how they handle the hard times, together. How they face them, together.

And the audience can see how Steve has changed, from a boy who was apprehensive of Nancy's drive to get justice for Barb, to a man who trusted her investigative instincts, offered to join her on her exploration, and told her to be careful. From a teenager who utilized avoidance as a coping mechanism, whose "go with the flow" attitude was a mask to hide his pain, to a man who confidently told Nancy that she is what he's always wanted. There was no avoidance. No shame. No fear. There was simply a boy, who has changed, telling the girl he loves that she is it for him.

And the audience can see how Nancy has changed, too, from a girl who pushed a boy away because his presence was a painful reminder of what, rather who she lost, to a woman who is slowly, slowly, learning that this boy is good, and he is safe. She welcomes him back into her life with ease. From a girl who held this boy at gunpoint because she did not want him involved, to a woman who includes him, and trusts him when he volunteers himself in the face of danger, and defends him because he is someone worth defending.

To truly understand Steve and Nancy's story, you have to be willing to see their growth. You have to be willing to acknowledge change and believe characters can and do change. You have to accept that they did change. And therein lies the problem. Many, many people are purposely choosing to ignore their growth, because it does not fit their version of what they want or think should happen. Many people do not trust or believe that these characters know what they want, or know what's best for them. You have to be able to see and accept who they are now, as opposed to who they once were. How their views have changed. Their morals. Their personalities. Their wants, needs, hopes, and dreams. If you're still holding onto who Steve and Nancy were in the earlier seasons, then you are closing yourself off to any potential understanding of who they are now. If you are intentionally misconstruing what these characters say to fit your own narrative, then you are choosing to believe you know these characters better than they know themselves. If you are perfectly content with misunderstanding their relationship and refusing to acknowledge their growth, then you will miss out on not only a delicate and beautiful relationship, but also a lesson: Second chances happen. And sometimes, people do find their way back to each other.

I don't know what season five will bring. I don’t know if we’ll get a happy ending to their story.

But I do know one thing. I pity the people who willfully choose to ignore a beautiful story about two people finding their way back to each other. That is real life. That is love. It's not always simple or easy. Second chances happen every single day. And how beautiful it is for us to witness the rekindling of two ex-lovers. That is Steve and Nancy's story.

[jinxhallows]

Uninvited [ The Finale Part 2 ]

Uninvited. a short-ish series ft. Felix, Chan and Hyunjin (& a sprinkle of Jisung for a little razzle dazzle)

cw: 100% AU, afab reader, blood and gore descriptions, ritual self-bloodletting, supernatural creature themes/tropes, vampire theme/tropes, hybrid theme/tropes.

word count: 6.0k (woo dis a big boi!)

-

Part I - click here

Part II - click here

Part III (explicit content) - click here

Part IV - click here

Part V (explicit content) -click here

Part VI -click here

Part VII - click here

Part VIII - click here

Part IX - click here

Part X - click here

The Finale Pt. 1 - click here

-- SO IT HAS COME TO THIS. THE END OF THIS JOURNEY. I love each and everyone of you that took the time to read my story. This was so much fun! I really enjoy AU writing and supernatural tropes. Please be kind to yourselves ! <3

**taglist <3 (If I missed anyone let me know! it wasnt on purpose i tried to comb all my posts and make sure )

@planetdemon ; @a-person-with-void ; @haleyms ; @wonhottcakes ; @hydroyaksha ; @just-randomm-stuff ; @sooinvu ; @ninjaleeknow ; @thegoddessharmony ; @kittycatkrissa ; @ominous-crow ; @sikebishes ; @strawberriesandknives ; @violetpenguinkris ; @koovvie ;

-----

The Final Chapter (Part Deux) 

“Don’t peek!” 

“I’m not peeking, I promise.” 

“I don’t believe you.” 

You press your fingers together firmly resting them against Chan’s eyes as you guide him past the large cardboard boxes that were stacked alongside the walls, a few sit on the floor in the middle of the bedroom.  You’re penguin waddling behind him and end up almost tripping. 

“Hey! You’re supposed to have hybrid coordination here!” You chide as he laughs. 

“I’m a hybrid, I’m not Superman!” 

You make a face, even though he can’t see it. 

“What’s Superman got to do with your garbage coordination when your eyes are covered?”  

Although Chan’s placement is perfect for the surprise, right in front of the bathroom sink and facing the mirror; he can’t help the dismay at your question and he grasps your wrist, slowly removing your hands as he turns to face you. 

“You don’t know Superman has x-ray vision?” He almost looks hilariously disgusted with you. 

“Syu-puh-man yourself into the mirror and look at all my hard work!” You mock as you spin him by his shoulders to the sink. 

“Are you making fun of my acc--” Chan finally faces the mirror, but pauses instantaneously, barely recognizing the beast reflected in front of him.  He hadn’t had such dark hair in ages. 

“Do you love it?” You say with a wide grin. 

“Little witch I--” he runs his fingers through the deep brown, black hair. It was textured in its naturally wavy state after being freshly washed and towel dried.  

“It's been so long... I love it.” He shakes his shaggy hair out, his bangs falling perfectly on his forehead.  He looks so innocent and unsuspecting like this, especially with his new color.  “Do you know how difficult it was to keep that blue? God...” he scoffs, and you giggle as he wraps his arms around you.  He’s wearing dark pajama pants, and you’re comfortable in an oversized gray tee and an extra pair of his sweatpants. 

“Well, you’re welcome.” You smile as his embrace tightens and he kisses your lips once, twice, before nuzzling his nose into the fine hairs that had escaped the front of your scarf, right by your ear.  His breath tickles your jaw and neck. 

“God I’m so glad you’re back.” he murmurs into your skin.   

You can hear the pain in his voice.  The whole lot of you were traumatized from the entire ordeal.  Others carried this weight near-seamlessly; Hyunjin being at the top of that list if it were to be listed from best to worst at displaying a false mask of composure and balance. 

It had been a little over a week since you and Jisung made it back from purgatory.  Other than the gaps in knowledge that Hyunjin had about modern living, he appeared to be coping alright.  He remained to himself, or in Felix’s study. 

The next best person at hiding their trauma was, you guessed it, Felix.   

He isolated himself, so he only truly had to keep his cool for brief moments in the company of others.  You two had a few private conversations over the last few days.  Sometimes, you’d notice his eyes glass over as he would disassociate.  When asked about it, he would firmly insist he was alright and just dealing with the emotional aftermath of the incident, in such a self-aware way, that it would easily ward off any further intrusive questions. 

Chan was where the scale began to tilt.  Not only was he coping with the situation in his own, unique manner---he was also coping with the fact that he was going to be a father, in the most impossible of ways, and he was feeling all sorts of emotions he hadn’t felt in an extremely long time; and quite a few he had never felt at all prior to now. 

It was Chan who pioneered the decision for them to move out of the estate they had been on for hundreds and hundreds of years.  Through an old mutual supernatural friend of he and Jisung, they had secured a home on several acres about 4 hours away. Chan agreed to it right away, without even viewing it.  He simply wanted to uproot the household and mask their whereabouts as swiftly as he could. 

As far as he was concerned, you all could collectively figure out a forever home after the child arrived.  The safety of all was his top priority.   

He kept his ability to bring the spirits of others up, but he barely honored his daytime deaths, instead opting to stay up and vigilant.  The events were trying on his psyche, and sometimes he would break, at night.  You’d hear him crying, softly; sometimes you would feel what felt like a kick in your stomach (though according to mortal fetal development cycles, you were far too early to be experiencing such phenomena). It would wake you from your slumber and you’d sluggishly crawl across the bed to where he sat on the edge.  You would wrap your arms around him, and hug him tightly, kissing the back of his head as he cried.  Oftentimes you would cry too, but you would bite back your sobs, your nose pressed against his silken hair as you’d grip him tighter still. 

Not only was Jisung’s ability to conjure severely affected by crossing the lines between the dead and the living an added time—he was experiencing a strange bout of dizzy and fainting spells that Felix was still trying to get to the bottom of.  Until he was back to his full health, Chan didn’t feel comfortable allowing him to be alone at his home.  Without the level of conjure he held prior, Felix also noted that the protection around the perimeter of his home might have new vulnerabilities. 

Jisung refused to leave the guest room unless it was necessary.  He felt extremely vulnerable the way he currently was and busied himself sick trying to find a solution alongside Felix. 

You hadn’t escaped psychologically Scot free yourself.  You suffered from nightmares of an unknown origin that you were trying to keep under wraps from the others.  When Chan would ask why some days you would wake up in fear, nearly springing from the sheets, you simply blamed it on PTSD; which was half true. 

The other half of the truth was that in the nightmares, you couldn’t see much, it was as if you had been blindfolded.  You always heard the same two muffled voices, but it never became clear enough to decipher.  What was ingrained deep within you from the visions was the fear and hopelessness that you felt.  It was as if everyone had abandoned you, all at once.  The darkness was overwhelming and began to make you feel so trapped you’d grow sick to your stomach, oftentimes, the nausea carrying over into your waking life. 

Today was no exception.  At the break of Dawn, you feel yourself growing groggy.  You had been more tired than usual, but of course, this was how things went for pregnant women, right? It didn’t feel misaligned, the symptoms you carried.  You fall asleep, feeling the peace of your body being put to rest.  Yet what feels like only mere moments later, you blink your eyes open and see darkness. 

You feel the rough fabric that’s tied tightly over your eyes.  Your heart rate quickens, and you strain to hear the exchange of voices happening right in front of you. 

‘...onl...ay’ 

‘br...a...store....power’ 

You capture a full word for the first time since your nightmares began. 

Power 

--- 

You end up getting a bit more rest than you had expected, which was a welcome recharge to your system.  You don’t mention the context of your nightmares, or the full word you managed to catch last night.  It would only make Chan more protective, Felix more curious, Hyunjin more stressed, and Jisung more terrified.  You could tell everyone, hell even yourself included, were waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Chan had told you in the entirety of his life, he’s never felt safe, things have never been normal. Ever. 

So, for now, you keep your mouth shut and enjoy the cool, night breeze on your face as you have your passenger side window rolled down.  You smell the Northeastern Atlantic Ocean shores, only yards away, the moonlight reflecting off the moving water.  As Chan drives further, the tree line gives you brief glimpses of the ocean, but it’s clear, you’re heading far in the opposite direction of it.  The forestry thickens and you soon smell damp moss and rotting wood more than the coastal sealine. 

Hyunjin is sitting in the backseat, also staring out the window, his facial expression blank.  He couldn’t shake off the feeling of being trapped in a world he didn’t understand. 

“So, this is it? This is where we’re going to live?” Hyunjin asks, with a hint of sarcasm. 

Felix, who’s sitting alongside Hyunjin in the roomy SUV, speaks up.  “It’s a roof over our heads.  It’s a start.” He replies coolly. 

“We’ll make it work, Hyunjin.” Chan says, glancing in the rearview mirror at his fire-haired brother.  “We always do.” 

“We’re a family.  We’ll figure it out, together.” You add softly. 

Hyunjin doesn’t reply, but the tension in his shoulders relaxes slightly.  You all drive in silence for a while, each lost in your own thoughts. 

Finally, Chan breaks the silence as the car slows down on the dirt road.  “We’ve been through a lot, but we’re all here now.  We’re going to make a new life for ourselves.  We don’t really have a choice but to move forward now. “ 

“Anyway then, here we are.” Chan twists the keys in the ignition and the low rumbling of the engine stops.  It’s so silent, you could hear a pin drop at least a mile away.  You lean forward, glimpsing the large, Victorian style dwellings.  Your eyes are immediately drawn to the thick vines that seem to be growing out of every crevice.  The moonlight casts an eerie glow on the overgrown plants, making the house seem almost...alive. 

You can feel the discomfort in the car as Chan, who was driving, and Jisung, who’s in the backseat, exchange a look of concern.  You can see the dust on the windows and the cobwebs in the corners of the house. 

As you step out the car with everyone else, you can’t shake off the feeling of unease.  The house seems ancient, and it’s clear that it hasn’t been lived in for a long time; but Chan and Jisung’s friend had assured them that it’s a safe location, and you trust them.   

You try to put your feelings aside and focus on the task at hand, but as you walk up the creaky front steps, you can’t help but wonder what kind of secrets this old house holds. Chan wriggles the knob, expecting it to open, but to no avail. 

“Hold on.” Jisung emerges, wrapping his slender fingers around the rusted knob.   Without turning, you can hear the locks inside of the door turn slowly, as if there was someone on the other side.  The way it opens, dust falling from the frame, you begin to second guess this decision to yourself once more. 

“There’s no way you sprung me to live like this...” Hyunjin says, walking inside and glancing at the peeling paint on the walls.  The rooms are large and empty, with no furniture anywhere.  The floors are wooden, and a dark, cocoa color. 

“Brother, we’ve lived in worse.” Chan says, his hands in his pockets as he walks forward, looking up and surveying the large chandelier that hovers in the foyer.  He looks down at the rug underneath his feet and taps the spot with his toe. 

“This is a recipe for a D-List horror movie accident just waiting to happen.” He notes as you join him underneath, slipping your arms around his waist, squeezing the fabric of his fleece jacket between your fingers as you also look up at the chandelier. 

“It's almost a full moon.” You say with a grin, kissing him and moving on to explore the rest of the house yourself. 

“Yeah?” Chan follows behind you, now that you’ve piqued his interest. 

“Yeah, you get really paranoid about things the closer it gets, I’ve noticed....” Your voice trails off as you run your hand over an old hallway display cabinet.  Dust clings effortlessly to your fingers, and you brush them against one another to scatter it away.  

“You don’t think there’s any way Edith could like...come back, for me...or the baby, or anything, right?” You blurt. 

Chan’s brow furrows.  “No. We sealed her soul in purgatory, little witch why—does this have to do with your nightmares?” Chan’s gears begin to shift as he puts two and two together. 

“No! I--” You look around before lowering your voice, “No, I’m just still afraid.  Can you blame me? I barely got out alive, and now I have to keep myself and this...thing alive--” 

“This thing? That’s my child that’s...our child.” Chan’s voice softens.  He realizes his fuse is shorter around the Full Moon and tries to maintain control. He normally doesn’t let it slip, but he was feeling out of sorts the last few days.  “You let me worry about keeping you, and our child, alive.” 

You’re a little taken aback at his tone, but you blame it on the oncoming Full Moon.  The last one didn’t go as well as it should have, and after everything, his body and emotions were tense.  He seems to notice the shift in your demeanor and runs his fingers through his dark hair, now styled back slick and straight.  He sighs as he places both hands firmly on your upper arms. 

“All of this, its gonna take some getting used to for me, for you, for everyone here.  She could be a vampire, a witch, a wolf, or all three.  My father was a hybrid, and I came out as a wolf.  There’s no rhyme or reason to this it's just...a wildcard, really.  It’s a wildcard.  I feel like I’ve been given a second chance to get it right this time.” 

You can feel the neediness in his voice, you see his eyes, begging, pleading for you to understand him, to validate his reasoning, experience and existence.   

Your big, bad wolf. 

“Did you say...she?” You tease. 

He’s caught off guard as you laugh at his expression. 

“Did I? I said she? Did I really?” He asks in disbelief.  “I didn’t even notice.” 

“Do you want a little girl? Do you think you can handle that?” You say with a cheeky grin. 

“No, absolutely not! That’s why I can’t believe I said it!” He touches his lips and looks at his fingers, as if the answer would be splayed on the tips. 

“Hey lovebirds, it’d be nice to have some hybrid strength for some of these boxes, yeah?” Jisung slaps the doorframe that he’s looking out from behind as he hoists his box higher against his body to get a better grip.  He takes it into the living room and sets it among the other boxes that Felix and Hyunjin had managed to use their unnatural speed to build up. 

They didn’t bring everything from the old house, only enough to be able to live comfortably for a little while.  The family estate was in their name and would always stand where it was built; but that area couldn’t be considered secure.  People over the centuries had been guests, although there had been no disturbances, folks in certain circles close enough knew where they laid themselves to rest. 

You were barely pregnant, and certainly felt strong enough to help.  Your speed wasn’t up to par like theirs, nor was your coordination, but you had little boosts every now and again.  You glance into the trailer attached to Chan’s truck.  Figuring out that you could carry a box or two, you grasp one and make your way back up the creaky stairs and into your new home. 

Chan’s about to approach you, to chastise you for doing too much, when Felix stops his brother, arm across his chest. 

“Let her do something for herself, you can’t control everything, brother.” The white-haired vampire murmurs in an intimate tone.  “You’ll drive yourself mad trying and drive her away in the process.” 

Chan takes a few steps back, watching as you set the box down in the middle of the room and stand up, feeling more winded than you usually were.  You shake it off and head back outside to join the others. 

“I can’t escape the notion that something isn’t right, brother.”  

Chan crosses his arms across his chest, the sleeves of his deep navy fleece jacket rolled up to his elbows as he stands beside Felix, near the staircase in the foyer.  Hyunjin zips back and forth so fast, only the sound of his rustling clothing and dropping boxes can be heard.  Jisung is struggling to carry heavier boxes, to get you to not worry about them.  You find yourself stumbling along Jisung, trying to capture the other end of the boxes that were too heavy for him alone to conquer. 

Felix watches everyone too, his arm resting against the wooden, curled start of the banister. 

He wants desperately to disagree; but the brothers knew how their undead lives worked. Now they had a pregnant witch descendant of one of the most powerful clans in the world in their midst. 

Felix chews the inside of his lower lip as his brain begins spinning the webs it always spun when it came to strategizing. He answers his brother, barely above a whisper. 

“It’s not.”  

Chan glances over his shoulder at his younger, pureblooded vampire brother.  “Has something been ailing you?” 

“The bloodlust.” Felix never takes his eyes off you all milling about, despite Chan boring holes into the side of his skull.  “Normally I keep myself well fed, the blood of a witch, the blood of your little witch, it’s tempting but...” Felix’s gaze breaks as he glances down at the floor.  His index and thumb rub against one another anxiously. 

“The reason Hyunjin and I have stayed out of the way isn’t because of what happened.  Well maybe, possibly for him but the bloodlust, it just feels almost out of my--” 

“Shit!” 

You wince, ripping back your hand from the edge of the box where you had just accidentally sliced the side of your palm with the box cutter.  The box cutter clatters to the ground as you grip your wrist, sucking in air through your teeth.  You’re pinned suddenly to the ground and look up to see Hyunjin’s eyes, an emblazoned amber, his sclera an ugly shade of blood red as he breathes heavily.   

There’s no time to embody enough strength to let out a terrifying scream, as Hyunjin's body is violently propelled across the room and Chan is kneeling beside you, breaking the skin on his wrist and lifting your head enough to feed you his blood.  You drink, chest still heaving with adrenaline as you observe Felix, holding Hyunjin up by his fingers tightly enclosed around his throat as the youngest brother thrashes against the wall.  The wound on the side of your palm closes itself up as you close your eyes from the sights of it all and continue drinking. 

Jisung’s hand lay against Hyunjin’s forehead like a priest performing an exorcism.  With nothing but pure, ancient magick, Jisung sends a voltage-like stream of energy through Hyunjin that immobilizes and renders him unconscious; and afterwards, he crumples to the ground, powerless.  Felix flits away in the blink of an eye, Hyunjin over his shoulder.   

As Chan is overseeing everything and allowing you to heal, he suddenly feels a sharp stab from your mouth. 

“Hey, hold on a sec...” He coaxes you from the blood spilling from his wrist, and he looks closer at your teeth, covered in blood and saliva, as you breathe heavily from the consumption of power. The tips of your canines were thinner, with a sharper tip.  You had felt overwhelmingly in need of his blood for a while now, and you didn’t know what cravings you were dealing with until you had tasted it like this once more.  You were dizzy with how good it felt. It soothed a need inside of you. 

“Your teeth, little witch--” Chan says in disbelief and concern as he glances over to Jisung, still unconscious on the floor.  In a split-second decision, Chan crawls quickly over to Jisung, placing his head into his lap and re-opening his wrist wound to feed Jisung and hopefully bring him back.  You’re busy licking the blood from off your lips and fingers as you quietly watch them.  You feel feral, but not in a good way.  You feel impulsive, and your emotions are now rising to an uncomfortable place. 

Jisung stirs awake groggily, coughing and spitting the excess blood on the floor as he pushes himself up to sit and look around, regaining his breath once more. 

“Shit how long was I out for?” he asks Chan as he’s helped back up to his feet. 

“A minute, maybe two at most.” 

“What the hell was that?  That wasn’t normal bloodlust, veins were popping out of his skull, he was being consumed by something else entirely.” 

It's just like Jisung getting back to normal immediately after falling unconscious. 

“It could be because of the baby, or how long he’s been in purgatory Jisung, I don’t know.” Chan drops his hands to his side in confused exasperation as he kneels next to you, helping you to your feet.  Your carnal desires had weakened just a bit now that the aftershocks were settling in. You feel the fuzziness in your brain returning to clarity once more.   

Felix is coming back down the stairs, and the four of you gather in the living room.  He wipes blood from his fingers with his handkerchief as if it were a kitchen condiment. 

“Little Witch, I need you to be honest with me, yeah?” Felix asks, looking directly into your eyes.  “Have you experienced anything strange, or off since you’ve been back? Any foreboding feeling, visions, nightmares, hallucinations, cravings?” 

You instinctively want to start out by lying, but with Felix’s ability to sense the shifts in your circulatory system; and Chan’s capability to literally smell your fear, you answer honestly. 

“I’ve been having trouble controlling my powers and experiencing intense mood swings,” you admit, wringing your hands nervously. “I keep dreaming about being held hostage and hearing voices, last night they said ‘Power’. And to top it off, I’ve been having these cravings, like...I need to consume something that I know I shouldn’t.” 

Chan doesn’t add that he witnessed fang like projections from your canines earlier. He decides to leave the others in the dark about it. You’re grateful, unaware of what it could mean for you.

Felix and the others exchange a look of concern, knowing the implications of what you just revealed. They were all well-aware of the dangers that came with pregnancy for a witch, especially when the witch in question was carrying a child of an unknown species. 

“We need to keep a close eye on you, Little Witch,” Chan says firmly, his arm coming behind your waist from the side to pull you in. “We need to make sure that you and the baby are safe.” 

“I don’t feel safe in an unprotected house, no matter what Minho told us.” Jisung says as he walks around the perimeter of the living room, observing the cracks in the walls, little scratches here and there. 

Minho... 

That was the first time you’ve ever heard that name before. 

“He’s all the way in Russia, I don’t even know why you involved him in our mess.” Felix retorts. He’s now extremely cautious about what family friends they decide to include so closely into their lives. Anyone who joined them were at risk of death in any number of gruesome ways with the danger they attracted. 

“You know the Lee family has safeguard housing up and down the East Coast, who else could deliver us enchanted real estate in a week’s time? Besides,”  

Chan looks around, “Now nobody in America knows where we live.” 

----- 

The night before the Full Moon, the night of the Waxing Gibbous moon, progresses, and Jisung is busy using as much of his power reserve as possible to help with protection incantations and conjure to at the very least, make you all undetectable for a solid 3 weeks. With some rest, he could add catch-em's throughout the woods, to signal if anyone was encroaching upon them, and trap them until someone could investigate. 

Three weeks would allow the brothers the time to procure a witch of substantial power to drain for the purposes of Felix and Hyunjin helping Jisung to finish the task. You didn’t allow yourself to use unnecessary magick until you could figure out what was going on with your body.  

The energy of tomorrow’s Full Moon hangs heavily in the air, which was causing your powers to become increasingly volatile. 

It turns out that you weren’t the only one becoming volatile. 

The next night, you experienced not one nightmare. 

Nothing. 

In fact, you sleep quite well, the best you have had in ages. The large, four post bed in the room you and Chan chose is old, with its elaborate gold metal headframe but didn’t have a foul smell and had been covered with plastic. When you further examined the 6, close to 7-bedroom house, you discovered some rooms were furnished, and others left bare. 

The loud bangs and clattering were what startled you awoke, followed by muffled voices yelling argumentatively. This house isn't as modernized as the former. The thick, heavy curtains that blocked out sunlight did the same for the moon and stars, unless you physically drew them back. The old place had fancy electronic drapes that rose and fell at the precise moment of sunrise and sunset.  

You reach out and turn the bedside lamp on, rubbing your eyes as you stumble over to the curtains and draw them. The moon hangs high in the sky, big and full. You ran to the top of the stairs, clenching your robe closed, as you had little time to get yourself together. 

Underneath the central chandelier in the foyer was the large wolf with fur blacker than souls that stir in the dead of night. Scraps of fabric were strewn on the floor, along with quite a fair amount of blood spattered along the walls and carpet. The wolf crouches down, readying for a predatory launch. 

“Chan!” You shriek impulsively, covering your mouth when his yellow eyes snap at you, standing atop the staircase. He growls, a snarl from deep inside of his chest, and then he blows air from his nose, almost like a sneeze, backing up two paces with a whine before he’s off, out the broken front door at a speed far faster than an average wolf could manage, and into the night. 

You run down the stairs and out onto the porch, but to no avail, he’s already out of your sight. The sounds of coughing and boards falling and creaking are what alert you to Hyunjin as he climbs out of the hole in the front porch, shaking the crumbled dirt and dust from his crimson locks and brushing his plum-colored button up, tucked into his black slacks.  

“Well, that was a very rude way to say ‘no’.” he tilts his head to the right ever so slightly, and you wince from the crack that results from the realignment of his spine. “I guess I forgot how strong he was.” he murmurs to himself as he adjusts the cuffs of his sleeve around his wrist.  

“Hyunjin, what the fuck happened to you last night? You nearly killed me, and the baby!” Your anger explodes in that moment, but didn’t you have every reason to? If bringing Hyunjin back means you were in more danger than before then maybe you were the only one capable of doing something about it... 

You stop in your tracks from approaching him and physically shake your head to get rid of those awful thoughts. 

You didn’t mean that. 

Why did that even come up intrusively into your mind? 

“You’re feeling it too, aren’t you, pretty witch?” Hyunjin hasn’t flinched from his spot, simply placing his hand into his pocket. He looks amused. “I’ve never seen you so fired up like this before. I kind of like it on you--” 

You take in your breath and hold it to stop yourself from saying something impulsive. 

“Hyunjin, think about what Chan can do to you, and magnify it by 300, I will wear your fucking insides as mardi gras beads if you don’t tell me what the fuck is going on—right—now.” 

“You don’t have to sweet talk me that like to get information out of me, besides, I don’t know what the fuck is going on, alright? Christophe seemed to have transformed against his will and now he’s God knows where in this area none of us know anything about.” Hyunjin says crossly with his unique sarcasm.  

“And I didn’t attack you on purpose, alright?” his demeanor shifts as he glances away, and you sense a little...worry? Sadness?  

“I keep having these fucking...flashbacks of being sealed away. Those first few hundred years...I fought every, single moment I breathed. I – I bled out so many times, and would black out, only to come back impossibly weaker—forced to fight again, and again--” 

“Hyunjin, I--”  

You wordlessly bring him into a hug and his body stiffens at first, he doesn’t reciprocate. 

“Pretty witch I can’t--” 

His hands come up to embrace you in return. 

“Pretty w-witch--” 

His hands are quivering on your back, and you feel wetness seeping into your shoulder that makes you pull back and see the saliva dripping down his jaw, his fangs full and bright, needle sharp, just like Felix’s as he fixes his stare blankly ahead at nothing, his body beginning to slowly rock. He looks like he’s fighting a possession. 

“Run.” 

You take off down the porch stairs and into the woods.  

You glance back as you run, the robe catching on the tree and ripping from your body. You manage not to stumble, but as you’re not paying attention, the remains of a hollow dead tree strike a gash in your shin that makes you cry out, hunched over, trying to keep some distance between you and whatever these wild creatures that you knew as close friends, family even, had become. This wasn’t them. You had to be hallucinating. You were in some nightmare.  You stand to your feet again and come face to face with Felix’s hungry eyes. 

“Are we playing a game, little witch?” he asks in a lively manner, with a disarming show of his teeth in an innocent grin. 

“I win.”  

Felix’s lips close, then turning into a smile that reaches his eyes, before he grips you up, his lips pressing against your neck, your pulse racing as you squirm against him, trying to manifest your strengths, your capabilities, your power. 

“You smell like pure moonlight.” He says after taking a big whiff of your skin before you feel needlepoint fangs puncture your artery while you feel an icy heat emerge from your fingertips and onto his thigh that you were gripping behind your body. Felix yelps in pain, mutters mumbled profanity, and you hear the breeze through the branches as he disappears into the night. 

You’re gripping your neck as its spurting blood all over the ground beneath you and you fall to your knees. You want to be strong; you want to cry out for help, but you blackout from the blood loss and pain from the venom, your body hitting the forest floor. 

------- 

“--manifesting differently in all of us--” 

“-- dead!” 

“--sealed her soul, you didn’t--” 

You groan as you groggily open your eyes to see yourself back in the four-post bed of your room. 

“She’s awake.” Chan exclaims at your bedside. You tilt your head to look at him and then sit up a little more.  

He’s all human. All there. He’s cleaned up and well-dressed, which was a stark contrast to the beast you laid eyes on before you passed out. 

You passed out. 

You touch the side of your neck, but feel the skin totally healed. You move your head back and forth and feel no pain before you spot Felix sitting at the foot of your bed. Jisung is seated at an old desk to the right. Hyunjin is leaning against the window, staring up at the moon that continued its cycle regardless of what happened down here. It's a waning gibbous; at least the energy of the full moon had passed. You feel calmer, and the energy between the boys is subdued. 

“Good, you’re awake.” Felix says as he lifts his head to look at you. 

“First of all, about last night—I lost control of myself in ways I haven’t felt in hundreds of years. I can only remember what even happened through Jisung bringing my memories back. The last thing I remembered was Jisung and I in the woods, figuring out the lay of the land, and then, I smelled blood...I didn’t just, smell blood, I heard voices in my head. Collective voices like a swarm of bees, all telling me to follow it. The entire time I was fighting impulse and I couldn’t stop myself. I remember feeling a stabbing pain in my leg, and I tasted your blood on my lips and ran as far as I could with what little control I had.” 

You listen to him, remembering what you could of the chilling events that occurred last night. The way he smiled at you, so friendly, so unassumingly, he could’ve taken candy from a baby with no consequence. This was only moments before he ripped a hole in your carotid artery. 

“I’m sorry.” He murmurs. 

“At least I gave her a warning.” Hyunjin shrugs as he continues to watch the trees blow in the wind. 

“You call telling her to run headfirst into her death a warning?!” Chan snaps as he stands up, the chair he’s in scraping back against the floor with the haste of his aggressive movement. 

You remember the conversation you had with Hyunjin last night before he told you to run, and you tug at Chan’s hand, shaking your head, signaling for him to stand down. He sighs as he reaches between his legs to pull the chair back and sits back down. 

“How are you feeling? Is anything different?” Chan asks. 

He wants to know about the baby. 

“I’ve never been pregnant before but, I feel okay—a little tired but, nothing too crazy.” You grunt as you push yourself all the way up. “I guess this is what you meant by us never being safe, huh?” 

Chan exchanges a glance with Felix, who stands to his feet. 

“I don’t think there was a way to prevent this from happening, I don’t even know how it all works yet....” 

You cling to each word as Felix speaks. 

“I have a theory that Edith had a counterspell on her earthly remains. If they were ever to be destroyed, a curse is set loose to reign hellfire on those responsible, bringing out the worst in all of us. I don’t feel it at all today, neither do any of the rest of us. It must somehow work with the Full Moon.” 

“Meaning its wolf-based?” 

“There are other important things that happen during the Full Moon that don’t involve us.”  

“I knew it! I knew she wasn’t gone!” You shove the blankets off of you as you stand up in anger, interrupting their discussion.  You look at Chan. “You told me she was gone, you told me there was no way she could come back--” 

“She is gone, and she won’t come back.” Hyunjin’s voice cuts between the room’s tension. 

“If we can break the curse.” 

End. 

[many-but-one]

Hello! I follow you on TT and here, you are amazing, and your stories helped us a lot to finally feel seen and not so alone. We are in therapy, we are trying to have a better life. We wanted to ask you about some coping skills that can help with repressed memories, flashbacks, so, we can try to work on them, maybe you have some that you can share (if that’s okay, and you are comfortable doing that)? Also, I wanted to know… how to help other parts to be more comfortable to interact with our therapist? For now there is one part that is working with them and processing some stuff. Abbé, we can help each other with this? Thank you. And I hope you are doing okay. Take care.

Phoenix system

Hey Phoenix System! Your most recent ask is actually what made us realize that we had a ton of asks built up that we hadn't answered, so thanks for that. I'll answer this one first.

Coping skills for dealing with repressed memories, flashbacks, etc:

Inner communication. Working on inner communication when you start feeling repressed memories, emotions, flashbacks, etc, coming on is necessary. Reminding parts that they do not need to keep reliving these things anymore (you already lived it once, you don't have to keep reliving it) and that it's 2023 and you are [insert age here] now can help keep parts grounded in the present. Will discuss grounding methods shortly. Also understanding why a flashback is occurring can be helpful in order to minimize them. Because remember, you don't *have* to keep living this stuff over and over, so working on figuring out why a part is reliving things is necessary to decrease the amount of things coming out. Are they flashbacking because of an external trigger? What is that trigger and how can we avoid it? Are they flashbacking because a part triggered them internally? Why did that part trigger that part internally? What is the motive behind that? Does the part believe that they have to keep reliving their trauma purposely? Why do they believe that? Is this part sending flashbacks to send a message? Are they angry? Do they feel ignored? This is a common thing for parts to do if they feel ignored. "You don't acknowledge my pain, so I'm going to show you my pain instead." (via flashbacks). Communicating with parts why a flashback is occurring and how we can minimize them in the future is imperative for eventual healing. Getting everyone on the same page that we are now in the present and not in the past will minimize flashbacks too. Easier said than done. We have been doing this part by part for nearly three years now and while we've made a lot of progress, we still have a long way to go. It takes time.

Grounding methods. Grounding in the present is very important to minimize how "deep" into flashbacks you go. These are usually engaging your senses in your current present day world to show that you are there in the present, in 2023 (or whatever year you are reading this). For us, holding bags of ice in our hands helps keep us from floating too far into dissociation land. Looking around the room (or outside space) and pointing out all of the red objects or green objects or whatever variety of object you feel like pointing out forces you to focus on the fact you are in THAT space, not the space that your mind is trying to take you to. Eating mints or cinnamon candies is also a very good grounding method for us, sour candy too. It's a harsh taste that's hard to ignore, and it's not something we were actively tasting during our traumatic experiences, so it can help remind us that we are currently in adult time eating sour candy/mints/cinnamon candy. If anyone else who reads this has grounding methods that work for them that they'd like to share, please feel free to add to this post.

Distractions. If all else fails, finding things to distract yourself when you start feeling the thought spirals come is important. These can be things like reading a book, watching a comfort show or youtuber, doing something hands-on like art, crocheting, or even lego building, etc, is a good way to stay distracted. While it's important to recognize or try to communicate with parts to try and keep yourself from going into trauma time, sometimes a system's communication is low, or it can be difficult to reach parts because your head is like a beehive of voices. Keeping yourself distracted with things that keep you grounded in the present time will be necessary until the moment passes. Because eventually it will pass, and then you'll be more clearheaded and able to address what happened later.

Journaling/video/audio recording things that you've seen in flashbacks. Writing poetry, journaling, speaking aloud, etc helps to put words to the experiences. Putting words to the experiences often helps lessen the emotional intensity of the experiences. This is why therapy is something that helps people. Putting words to experiences can help make the emotional impact of something easier to manage. For parts who struggle to use words or type or write, drawing pictures or finding pictures online to describe the experiences helps too. Something that we try to do with parts who are having flashbacks or who try to send flashbacks to explain how much pain they are in is encouraging them to put words or images to the experiences rather than sending flashbacks to fronters to explain how much pain they are in. It helps our parts immensely to have a place dedicated to only them to express their pain. This can be via tumblr blogs (public or private, however they prefer), google docs, a journal that is only for them, a discord channel in a private system server that is only theirs, etc.

Now, for how to help parts feel more comfortable interacting with the therapist, this is twofold.

One, that part needs to be able to trust the therapist. If they don't trust the therapist, they aren't going to want to talk to them no matter how much you try to convince them. You and your therapist need to have good rapport and they need to basically be able to "prove" to that part that they are trustworthy to speak to.

Two, you then need to also convince that part that the therapist is trustworthy. Hence the need for the therapist to "prove" they are trustworthy. Remind parts that therapists have rules that they cannot tell people outside of the room you are in what you speak about. If this therapist has played by the rules of the system so far, like agreeing when to drop subjects when parts don't want to talk about something, or not pressuring parts to speak when they don't want to (a therapist should never force a part to speak to them or force parts to talk about things they aren't ready to talk about) point that out to those parts and remind them that this therapist has had good boundaries with the system in the past, so it's likely those boundaries will continue.

Lastly, it takes time for parts to feel comfortable talking to a therapist. Some parts will be okay talking but won't want to share their name or what they do in the system. If your therapist tries to pressure parts to tell them their name, their age, or what they do for the system, that's not going to create a safe environment for parts. Parts will open up only when they feel comfortable enough to, and that is something the therapist has to create.

I hope this post helped! If anyone has any further suggestions to add, feel free. :)

[serenescribe]

Spoilers ahead for the latest parts of Chapter 7! Speed-wrote this with only Twitter live-tweeting threads for context. Might not be accurate to canon but who cares about that when the tragedy is impeccable?

What happens if you die within a dream?

Silver thinks he should know the answer to that — or more precisely, the answer in normal circumstances. If things were not as dire as they are now, if he and everyone else were not locked away in the throes of a dream they cannot wake up from, he knows what would happen. He would wake up easily, jolting upright as panic grips his heart, panting as his mind struggles to calm itself from the weight of a nightmare he cannot remember.

But things are not normal, and Silver is scared.

He is scared and in pain, sprawled out against the forest floor. His weapon has been tossed carelessly to the side, disarmed by the person pressing his weapon against his throat, and for some reason, perhaps because he is incapacitated and hurting, energy sapped from a battle he had not wanted to fight, he is unable to jump dreams again.

(And, to be honest, he doesn’t want to leave, to find another person’s dream and take refuge there, if only for a little while. This is Lilia’s dream, his father’s dream, and Silver refuses to leave without him by his side.)

And, as Silver presses himself as closely against the bloodstained grass as he can, pushing away from the sharp weapon the best he can, all he can think is, Ah. I finally understand.

He has heard stories all throughout his life — about his father’s might as the revered General Vanrouge of Briar Valley. His name is admired for a reason, respected far and wide across the valley. And though Lilia did not take down Silver immediately in their battle, the reflexes honed from years of training from the very man now fighting him, eventually, he succeeded. 

Silver is young, only seventeen. What chance did he face, going up against his father in a fight like this, when the Lilia he sees is in the height of his prime? When he is holding absolutely nothing back?

He feels the sharp tip of his father’s weapon press closer against the thin skin of his neck, but the only thing that crosses his pain-muddled mind is that the blade in his father’s hands is the very same one he would give to Silver whenever he sent his son off to chop some firewood. Silver thinks that he’s speaking too, can see his mouth move, having pushed his mask aside at some point, but the only thing that he hears is a muddled warble of nothing that sounds real.

His head is spinning. Every limb in his body is aching.

Silver can feel the sticky slickness of his own blood matting the grass beneath him.

What will happen to him, now that he has failed? He will not die permanently; he knows that much. But the alternatives that swim through his muddled brain do not bring him comfort in any form. Perhaps Silver will simply wake up back within the confines of his own dream — but that, in itself, would be a problem, because Silver knows that Malleus is after them, ready to lull him into an impenetrable slumber with the flick of a wrist.

And if Silver loses himself to the throes of this neverending dream… then what? What will become of Sebek and Grim and Yuu? He can see them out of the corner of their eyes; no matter how hard Sebek yells, he is not getting through the other soldiers, least of all his grandfather, as much in his prime as Silver’s father. They have been apprehended, outnumbered and outpowered, and Silver gets the sinking feeling that very soon, they will meet the same fate that he is steadily barreling towards.

He is the hero of this twisted story they have found themselves in, no matter how odd it feels to think of himself this way. His unique magic, as useless as he has believed it to be, has its own purposes now. It is the only thing that may stand between Malleus, overblotted as he is, unable to cope with the weight of abandonment, and his desires of a thousand years of blissful dreams.

So if Silver dies, to the blade of his own father, who stares down at him like a stranger, with not a single trace of recognition in those red eyes—

Then what?

[wordsinhaled]

Also. I gotta say. In my opinion, if you are born (even in the most eldritch sense of the word) and love and desire and cause problems because you had an emotion too hard, you count as a person. And I have Feelings, as someone in a "helping profession," about how utterly subsumed the Endless are in their duties. Like, sheesh, maybe it's what they were born to do, but what about hobbies? Work-life balance? Maybe they DO need a good lawyer.

yessss, hello fellow helping professional! high five! o/ we need a “helping professionals in sandman fandom” network, clearly! paging @dancinbutterfly for the vibes :D

i mean, if any of the endless have got it figured out it’s death. she knows how to be in the moment, live in the world, and experience things beyond her duty - even if it is tied to coping with the reality of doing her duty. she has the most Been to Therapy unconditional positive regard energy about her and it’s lovely.

and, like, how much of that comes from the overwhelm of perpetually holding space for the super existential experience of mortality? from the crushing realization of the transience of all beings? from being parentified because of how time and night totally fumbled their parenting? it would be an absolute mindfuck if she didn’t take her shoes off once in a while and touch grass, meet some people, understand what it’s all for.

death finds space for her emotionality and makes meaning of it within her purpose, which is ultimately to bear witness to the emotionality of others while allowing it to be in harmony with her own empathy.

*cough* death’s basically already a therapist in spirit, i’m just saying.

and yeah, dream is the opposite example—so consumed by his work and using his perception of his “purpose” and the laws of the universe as shields. because to allow himself to exist outside of that purpose means to admit vulnerability to extremes of emotion which are scary and uncomfortable. but dream’s purpose by definition, as it were, to steward the dreaming and guide all dreamers, isn’t necessarily a directive for him to be unemotional—this is something he imposes on himself to avoid big hurty feelings like rejection, heartbreak, loss.

he must understand emotions to fulfill his purpose, he feels them and knows them in the dreams of mortals, but keeps himself one step removed because Big Emotions are scary!!! and so he approaches them with this massive amount of squeamishness because how can he Be In The World and not become overwhelmed?

but the good emotions are so tempting! experiencing passion, love, being wanted; and then on a basic level, feeling acceptance, finding belongingness. things he has not had consistently in his hierarchy of needs. they feel good! there’s this part of him that surely thinks, could this not be for me, too? and stifles it with, no, my self-denial is a fitting punishment for the selfish nature i’ve been taught i possess. and he is so starved of these positive emotional experiences that when he allows himself to feel them he feels them with world-breaking intensity.

but is it selfish to want to feel? is it really? who taught you that? why do you not deserve the same care you show the dreaming? what does it mean about your entire self-concept if people actually care about you? if it isn’t true you’re alone in the world? how do you grapple with that? with the total upending of the entire worldview that keeps you safe from pain?

a mindfuck.

he needs a lawyer. he needs a therapy session (or a thousand of them). he needs to hang out with his sister more. he needs lots of hugs from hob. and he needs to feed the pigeons in the park, and watch shakespeare performances, and go down the pub with his very mortal immortal friend, and go to open mics, and look at street art, and live in the world, and be happy, and do more things “it g[ives] him pleasure so to do”

(also yes, this journey is What It Looks Like and i’ll just say i’d seriously consider crisis planning if he were a client)

[desi-dukhi-dramatic]

Time, death, and stillness occupy my thoughts constantly. Time feels like a sand clock, its grains slipping away with every moment, and you never know how much is left. Death is sudden and extinguishes every emotion within you. I didn't realize how hard it would be to cope with death. When he died, I think I pushed the pain away, trying not to feel anything. But losing someone else has brought that pain back, more intense than ever.

I sleep more now, as dreams feel like a better reality. I wake up for a while, only to return to sleep again, seeking refuge in that dream world. He had asked me to write him a book, and I wish I could have. He stopped eating but still asked me to cook for him; I couldn't bring myself to do it. On his deathbed, he asked for me, but I wasn't there. How will I ever forgive myself for this?

She passed away exactly five days ago, and her voice haunts me. I miss her so much, and her absence is a constant ache. Everyone tells me not to think about it, to move on, but how can I not think about someone who has died? I don't know where they learned the power to forget, but it's something I can't comprehend, let alone possess.

In my stillness, time seems to have stopped. Every day is a repetitive cycle: sending a good morning text and then being enveloped by silence. I lay in bed, consumed by thoughts of what life is going to be and what it could have been. I've fallen back into my bad habits, allowing myself to be misused and letting others take advantage of my vulnerability. I'm stuck in this stillness, unable to break free.

Their deaths have silenced everything within my soul. I feel like a shadow of my former self, moving through life without direction or purpose. The stillness is suffocating, wrapping around me and holding me in place. Time no longer feels linear.