#it's like oh so you just think i am mentally ill and need this treatment (which works in your opinion) but you are clearly FineTM

[psy-ay-ay]

i think my controversial therapy opinion as someone who has regular therapy sessions twice a month is that it's less hurtful to deal with someone who just doesn't believe that therapy works at all than someone who wholeheartedly supports you when you are seeking therapy but if you see them having trouble and suggest therapy they act like they don't need it at all

[hellenhighwater]

I just want to say, as its nearing the end of the year, that following your blog has done wonderful things to my mental health and inspiration for art. I'm chronically ill with rare diseases, so my path into adulthood has been bumpy to say the least. it gets discouraging but when i see pictures of the beauty you've surrounded yourself with I get back the strength i need to continue pushing forward with my education and treatment. In fact, I just finished a piece of art thats different from anything i did before and i'm so proud of it and even feel like i could sell prints of it if i set up a shop. I know you don't necessarily blog to lift people's spirits, but i thought you'd appreciate knowing that you've made an impact all the same. thank you thank you thank you! <3 you are an amazing soul in this universe.

Oh, that's so thoughtful and encouraging! I hope to continue to be able to help in whatever small ways I can, and you are very welcome.

And really...I do post to lift people's spirits. Art suffocates in a vacuum, and joy shared is joy doubled. And I think that making things--anything, whatever speaks to you--is one of the best things you can do for yourself, and I'm perpetually trying to encourage people to do that. I'm thrilled to hear that you have felt more motivated to create things!

Also I think that everyone would be happier if they could see my cats more, but that is simply because they're excellent animals. I am on a mission in this regard.

[annabelle--cane]

at the risk of sounding Really Bad and with the caveat that I mean this in the most pro vaccine pro taking Covid extremely seriously way possible. I think conflating mental health/personal hobbies and habits with physical health and wellness in the time of a literal plague is actually part of why we are where we are. The example of opting out of treating a broken bone that you used is the perfect metaphor because that’s something that mostly effects the person with the broken bone. But if you’re treating every goddamn thing a person can do like it’s potentially viral it makes it easy to sound reasonable to advocate for a lot of vigilance against individual choice. Is this totally off base? do I sound like a reactionary dipshit conspiracy theorist right now? Just… there’s something here right??

even if that isn't the total root cause, I definitely think you're onto something. covid is literally a deadly and disabling viral disease, so the logic of "your actions regarding this impact others" makes total sense, but I think a lot of people took that language and framework and just ran with it, hoping that alluding to a deadly and disabling viral disease would lend credence to their arguments about mental health and personal decisions.

for example, I am constantly thinking about this take I saw on a post about drug decrim in december 2021. it's so special and dear to my heart, it makes no fucking sense at all. the only copy of the screenshot I still have saved is just the tail end of it and it has my annotations, so bear with me.

first, just for a moment, I love the complete breakdown of internal logic. we need to end the stigma around drug abuse but I think using heroin is exactly like being anti-vaxx. we should decriminalize all drugs but you'd have to be craaaazay to think that legalizing them is okay. wait until this person learns that some addiction treatment programs include prescribing opioids as a harm reduction measure.

second, using heroin is in no way like being anti-vaxx oh my god, and this person just can't tell. they are explicitly applying viral disease logic to mental illness* and choices about individual bodily autonomy. I don't want to minimize the pain and distress that can come from having a loved one with a substance use disorder, but in no world is it the same thing as refusing to go to cvs a few times to get a free vaccine against, once again, a deadly and disabling viral disease. groundbreaking leftist take: drug use makes you a hazard and drain on society and honestlyyyy you should think about the consequences of your actions before choosing to become an addict :/

I don't have screenshot for this next example, but I've also seen this language and mindset particularly come up a lot in discussions about "bimboism," makeup, and cosmetic surgery. I've seen several discussion threads where a woman finally just says "look, I'm adult, I've thought about this, I've interrogated myself, and ultimately I still want to do it and I can do what I want with my body" and the comeback to usually is "are you stupid? this isn't just about you, you're a member of a society who inherently expresses your ideology through your choices. the personal is political, stop being so individualistic. what will young girls think when they see you in a miniskirt calling yourself a slut?"

again, the final point that's meant to win the argument is that your choices about your body aren't fundamentally your own but Society's, because other people can look at your body and have feelings about it, they may even want to emulate it. for an added bonus, this one doesn't just use viral disease logic, but also borrows heavily and directly from the really basic conservative idea that women are less people and more living mannequins that you can dress up and use to show off the ideals of your social group. you can't wear that, men might see you and think you're a hussy and then it'll be your fault when they harass other women, little girls might see you and copy you like mindless drones.

*obligatory asides that plenty of people can recreationally use substances without being addicted and they're also fine + I know that classifying addiction as a mental illness is a hotly debated topic, especially in antipsych contexts, but that's a whole different can of worms to the topic at hand.

[ljandersen]

hey girl im back again i think abt sideways like evry single day pls pls pls when r u releasing the next update 😞

Hello again! Thanks for checking in.

Unfortunately, I don't have much of an update. I'm still working on my original sci fi series. It's my top priority. I'm almost done with the first book and then I will be focused on posting it.

That said, "Sideways" is always on my mind and heart. It means a great deal to me, and I'm incredibly flattered that you think about it too.

I wish I had better news for where Part 5 stood in the pipeline, but to tide you over, here's an excerpt from it. I opened the fire-proof safe and dragged out the notebooks just for you!

This is from "Sideways" Part 5. I typed it up from the handwritten rough draft. There are no guarantee that it will be close to the final version or that it won't be cut in editing. But, here you go!

“And after that, you’ll be back in this other timeline, hmm?” Dr. Quigley reached for the bishop and then paused.  He picked up his tower instead.

The med bay lights always felt extra bright reflecting off the room’s metal surfaces.  Shepard squinted at the chessboard on Quigley’s desk.  A bold move.  Too bold.  She had to not be seeing something here.

“You must be good chums with Alenko in this other life?”

“Quite chummy.  You’re really buying this story I’m telling you?”

“Naturally.”  Quigley rested back in his chair and steeped his hands in front of him.  “My most recent head scans for you are a little outdated though.  And I do need to inventory the narcs.”

“Not all mental illness is anatomical.”  Shepard vacillated with her queen.  Two good choices.

“I’m glad you’re giving me more doctor’s advice.  We needed this workshop.”

“So,” Shepard said lightly, keeping her eyes on the board.  “How’d Kaidan take the news?  You told him about the . .. permanent damage.”  Whatever medical consequences there were to his Red Death, the doctor had hinted at but refused to tell her.

She set the queen on the black square near his tower.  Slowly lifting each finger off, she leaned back in her chair. 

Quigley snatched her queen up with his rook.

“Dammit.”  She was losing her touch.  Or maybe just her concentration.  “You can answer my question though, right?  I’m not asking what you told him, just the reaction.”

“I don’t see much purpose sharing that.”  Quigley dropped her queen beside the board. He made a prompting motion for her to continue.

She gave up any pretense and looked Quigley in the eye.  “Was he all right?”

“Seems to be, doesn’t he?” Quigley nodded at the mess hall over her shoulder. 

Kaidan stood at the coffee machine, trapped between Cortez and Allison, listening to one of Adam’s tales, replete with exuberant hand motions.  Allison seemed to be the only one not anticipating the laugh beats.

Shepard sighed. “Hell. You’re right.  I’m being nosey.”

“I'm already sold on you being another Shepard.  Saying ‘you’re right’ is just overkill.”

The med bay doors slid open with a hiss air.  Cicero cut a clean figure in a well-pressed uniform and pressed-lipped smile.

“Here for medical treatment?” Shepard asked.

He wasn’t, of course.  His eyes had zeroed directly on her the moment his squeaky boots hit the threshold.

“I am to understand that you deserve congratulations.”  Cicero meandered slowly along the counter toward them.

“I don’t think so. The doc’s beat me.  Just took my queen.”

“Ah, that delightful humor.”  Cicero tapped a tray of scalpels as he passed it.  “Those have water stains.”

“Oh, dear.”  Quigley clutched his chest.  “I wondered what killed my last patient.”

Cicero ran his hand under the edge of the cabinets and examined it with rubbing fingers.  “This whole bay could use a thorough clean.”

“No objection here.”  Quigley shrugged.

“Anyway.”  Cicero ambled to the desk.  “You’re acting counselor or so I heard on ANN.“

“Forgot my tiara and sash downstairs, but yes, you heard right.”

“Congratulations then.  I’d share a glass of wine with you, but it’s been adulterated.  The antichrist must be aboard. Rather than water to wine, it appears wines can become water.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if he was,” she said simply.  

“Regardless, a handshake will have to do.”

“Not even that is necessary,” she said begrudgingly, but shook his proffered hand. 

She checked her palm after drawing back.  There hadn’t been a noticeable sting, but she’d been fooled before with a handshake.  Nothing seemed amiss though.  He was trying to unsettle her with his politeness.

“I suppose the late Councilor Wilson would be grateful seeing you take bat.  He had grown rather close to you and Alenko.  That is, before the end.”

“Uh huh.”  Shepard’s blood pumped.  “If you give me a ‘God rest his soul,’ Cicero, I swear . . .”

“Swear what?  I think it’s well-established that attacking me, at least publicly, is not a route without consequence.”

Shepard lurched to her feet, knocking chess pieces over on the desk.  “Thanks for the handshake and veiled threat.  I’ll see myself out.”

“Ah, ah.  Not so fast.”  Cicero caught her elbow then quickly let go.  “Though my wine’s off the menu, I would be pleased if you’d join me in my cabin for conversation.”

“I’d rather be waterboarded.”  She shot toward the door.

“So sure?  Well, that is a shame.  There’s something you may like to hear.”

Her feet caught. 

She urged herself toward the door, even lifted a hesitant hand to the open button.  She should have taken Kaidan’s advice the first time.  Nothing good ever came out of a conversation alone with Cicero.

“About what?” She couldn’t help herself.

“Dr. T’Soni.”

Shepard’s gut twisted. 

“Well, if you change your mind, you know the floor number.”  He strolled around her.

Frozen in place, she could only watch his retreating back.  He cast a thin smile over his shoulder before disappearing through the door.

[borderline-culture-is]

(Long vent that may mot be ordered right or make sense bc im tired rn)

I’m so fucking done with this life tbh. Like from the bottom of my heart. I wish i can kill myself but im too scared. Thats that damn problem though, im still forcing myself to suffer because im a coward, i cant even make ip my mind to end it. I cant get therapy, or any type of medication because my parents dont care enough to notice even tho my symptoms are very bad. and even when i become an adult, id probably not be able to. I have no dreams for the future, i have no money, nothing. ill probably have to live with them for way longer. And im still not going to be able to kms ofc, im going to live very long and THATS THE PROBLEM. I cant fucking tell snyone irl about my mental issues because im too ashamed. In fact, im so fucking embarrassed that i fake a personality everyday to make myself as perfect as possible. Everyone thinks im really nice, kind, and patient. When in fact im really a fucking shitty person who just pretends to be cool and shit. All because im too fucking embarrassed to admit im mentally ill. How could anyone like me for who i actually am?? Hell, I cant even admit im autistic, even though its nothing to be ashamed of. I just know my parents will laugh at me and id rather die than hear it from them

Im at my fucking limits everyday, and im tired all the time even if notbing even happened. I have anxiety attacks weekly for no reason at all, and no one knows. I hate being this good at masking.

I cry in my room all the time, and sometimes i have to force myself to let it out because im so numb. I hate it when im breaking down and my parents are in the kitchen laughing and enjoying themsleves like its just another day.

I feel so apathetic and nihlisitic. I have felt lonely my entire life because i cant relate to anyone. I know people only like the person they see on the surface, not the person i am inside

Ive told many people online about my issues, and i dont know if its not helping much or im too numb to feel any good emotions. But either way, ive realised that it might hurt me too. Im just normalising living this way more because im able to vent to people without actually getting any professional help. And this is just one out of the billions of unhealthy coping mechanisms i have. But i have no other choice. I need to cope somehow because i cant get treatment, and if these mechanisms dont work, i need to try harder and make myself more ill. Its not like i can be fixed anymore, so oh fucking well.

yesterday, my parents confronted me abt how i always looked tired, they asked me if i was being bullied at school. That pissed me off. Why?? Have they ever took the time to realise they maybe theyre the ones causing it?? No, i am not being bullied, and the only reason for that is my good masking skills. Do i need to get bullied to be ill enough? Am i still not bad enough for you to care??

-🌟

.

[ozmatippetarius]

The Nembutal wasn't Henry's first attempt to poison Charles

Pretty late in the novel, Charles shares that Henry gave him a bottle of Nembutal capsules; Richard immediately recognizes this as a poisoning attempt and is horrified. (If you google "nembutal alcohol", like I did when confirming my understanding for this post, every result that comes up is a suicide hotline: that's how well-documented this interaction is.)

This isn't Henry's first attempt to poison Charles, though, although it's the first one recognized by the characters. Charles's "infection" that lands him in the hospital is. This one is a lot better planned-out and executed, and as a result is a lot less obvious to everybody. At this point Charles's mental health is in such a bad state that it's easy to believe that he could land himself in the hospital through poor self-care alone. I'll call out below a number of points that are pretty damning to Henry, though, from a narrative standpoint.

The hospital can't diagnose Charles's illness, and it resists treatment.

The doctors couldn’t figure out quite what was wrong with Charles. They’d tried two antibiotics over the course of the week, but the infection—whatever it was—didn’t respond. The third try was more successful.

If you've ever heard anything about poisoning cases, this will sound familiar. Even today, "It is difficult to determine whether a patient has been poisoned and, if so, what toxins caused the poisoning."

Henry discourages Richard from bringing Charles to the hospital.

After Richard picks up Charles, he tries to call Francis, who isn't home. Afterwards he calls Henry and is surprised when Francis answers the phone. Francis is clearly uncomfortable.

“Francis? What are you doing over there?” I said. “Oh, hello, Richard,” said Francis. He said it in a stagy way, as if for Henry’s benefit. “I guess you can’t really talk now.” “No.”

When Richard explains the situation, before Francis can give any sort of response, Henry takes the phone.

“Did you give him some aspirins?” “A few minutes ago.” “Well, then, why don’t you wait and see. I’m sure he’s fine.” This is exactly what I wanted to hear. “You’re right,” I said. “He probably caught cold sleeping out of doors. I’m sure he’ll be better in the morning.”

I'm obviously not suggesting that it's criminal for somebody to say the answer to a fever is "give him an aspirin, wait and see". I am suggesting, though, that narratively it's suspicious that Henry has apparently coerced Francis (the one person we know would be certain to say "go to the hospital") to come to his place, where he is clearly uncomfortable for reasons that are never explained to us, and takes the phone before Francis can make that recommendation.

Henry had opportunity to acquire poison.

“I mean,” he said, pushing his glasses up on the bridge of his nose, “that strictly in terms of virulence there are any number of excellent poisons, most of them far superior to this. The woods will be soon full of foxglove and monkshood. I could get all the arsenic I needed from flypaper. And even herbs that aren’t common here—good God, the Borgias would have wept to see the health-food store I found in Brattleboro last week. Hellebore, mandrake, pure oil of wormwood.… I suppose people will buy anything if they think it’s natural. The wormwood they were selling as organic insect repellent, as if that made it safer than the stuff at the supermarket. One bottle could have killed an army.”

Henry had access to poison Charles.

Just days before Charles ends up in the hospital, Henry has been in his apartment moving Camilla out. The novel actually goes out of its way to remind us of this, and call out that Henry has had his hands not only on Camilla's things but on Charles's that were left behind, by telling us that when Richard goes to the twins' apartment, "The place was ominously neat." (We've been previously told that both of the the twins are quite messy.)

Henry had motive to poison Charles.

Just a reminder: Charles and Francis were 100% not involved in the farmer's death, and serve as each other's alibis. I've written about this elsewhere, but I think it's clear that Camilla implicated herself intentionally to protect Henry (believing that Charles would never go to the police to report Camilla, when he very much would have reported Henry.)

We know that the twins' estrangement begins during the visit to the Corcorans' for the funeral. Francis speculates that Charles learned about Camilla's relationship with Henry during this time, and Richard is reminded that Cloke told him about a conversation between Camilla and Henry that he overheard on the phone, while Camilla thought he was asleep. Richard never gets more details of this phone call from Cloke, but Charles (who spent this entire visit hanging out with Cloke) certainly did.

I feel certain that whatever it was that Cloke overheard and shared with Charles was badly incriminating, and exposed that Camilla had been disingenuous about her involvement in the farmer's death. Imagine how shocking and awful that would have been for Charles to learn: instead of having participated in the murder of his friend to protect his sister, he actually did it to protect a man he actively hates.

I mean, this isn't jealousy. This is a more deep-rooted anger about a very serious betrayal.

“Have you talked to my sister?” he said to Francis. He said it in a very cold way, as if he were saying Have you talked to my lawyer? “Yes,” Francis said. “She’s all right?” “Seems to be.” “What does she have to say for herself?” “I don’t know what you mean.” “I hope you told her I said go to hell.”

(And I mean, if you do think that Charles is just jealous about their relationship here... this actually becomes quite funny. He was expecting Camilla to have spilled her guts to Francis about having left her incestuous relationship for another lover? Absurd.)

Anyway, this is all to say: at this point Charles is furious and no longer has as much reason to shield Henry for the farmer's killing. He's now a liability who could go to the police at any time.

This conversation between Richard and Henry while Charles is in the hospital.

As he said this, he trailed away. “There,” he said at last. “Does that look all right? Or do I need to open it up more in the middle?” “Henry,” I said. “Listen to me.” “I don’t want to take off too much,” he said vaguely. “I should have done this a month ago. The canes bleed if they’re pruned this late, but better late than never, as they say.”

[drowninginredink]

Hi! It's me, autistic Chosen anon.

Firstly, I appreciate it that you took the time to share more of your experiences with me. I've actually read your reply multiple times now, and I have to say, it's very sobering. Especially in the sense that I recognise so much of it.

Just one(1) personal example, the part where you talk about already fixating on delusional thought processes as a kid. I did that too! Except in my case it developed into mood and anxiety disorders as I got older, instead of overt psychosis. Look, I already had compassion for psychotic people of all types, because life simply dealt you a very difficult hand. But it also felt like something distant from me. And it really isn't. You were right. We're not that different at all. ALSO, as we're seeing more and more of these overlaps and interconnections between all kinds of diagnoses, I think there's A LOT to be said about the approach of the psychiatric field as well as the neurodivergency and mental illness communities...

That being said, cheers to you, my fellow in neurodivergency, and thanks again!

Oh Jesus, do not get me started on my issues with diagnoses. I thought about going into it in that reply and I was like "you know what? Too complicated, too personal, and too much baggage." But if you're bringing it up? Let's go.

So. I am not actually diagnosed with schizophrenia. My official diagnosis is "other specified schizophrenia spectrum or other psychotic disorder." I think you can see why I simplify to schizophrenia. But also, I was not diagnosed by the actual DSM criteria. I was diagnosed by a research clinic attached to a university that is trying to get the criteria for various psychotic disorders changed for the DSM-6, and to get their own evaluation to become the standard instead of the current ones. The thing is, their evaluation is much stricter than the current criteria. By the DSM? You need to fit at least 2 of 4 categories of symptoms (which I do). By this clinic, you need to have all 16 of 16 of their categories of symptoms. The last time they evaluated me, I had 11 of 16. If I were evaluated by other clinicians? They'd just diagnose me as schizophrenic. In fact, I've explained this to other medical professionals and had them say, "what? 11 out of 16 is definitely enough to be schizophrenic? You definitely don't need every symptom?" So as much as yes, I do not have every classic symptom and my schizo-spec experience is non-traditional... There's a reason I have no problem just calling myself schizophrenic these days.

The clinic very much is doing that thing where you try to solve a problem and end up creating new problems. The problem is that a lot of people have what are called sub-threshold psychotic symptoms. Basically, psychotic symptoms without ever going into a state of actual psychosis, or completely disconnecting from reality. I personally am not convinced that there is a hard line between experiencing symptoms and having "actual psychosis." Like, these therapists say I have never had real, full psychosis, but I have been pretty goddamn delusional. I sure wasn't functional! I was out of school! I was constantly fixated on my delusions! I was in a state of severe distress! And the onset of my delusions was a pretty sudden thing to the point that I can tell you the exact date and time. It was my birthday. Lucky me. Anyway. Point is. There are a lot of people who experience these symptoms who, unlike me, will never reach the point where anyone would diagnose them as schizophrenic. Right now, they are slipping through the cracks because there is no diagnosis to give them. There is a push to treat them, but coming from the idea that people with these symptoms are in the early, pre-psychosis state of schizophrenia (the term here, if you want to google it, is prodromal psychosis). The idea is that treatment in this early stage will prevent people from ever actually reaching full psychosis. That's why the clinic started. But as they did research, they discovered that even without treatment, only 20% of these people will actually develop "real" schizophrenia and "real" psychosis. This isn't just the early phases of schizophrenia; it's a separate thing of people with more mild symptoms existing who will never convert to schizophrenia. The term that they want to be in the DSM-6 is Attenuated Psychosis Syndrome. Attenuated means less severe. So literally, "it's like you have real psychosis but less bad." Needless to say, I fucking hate this term. It's still better than their original term that they're moving away from, though, which is Clinical High Risk syndrome. Literally just "well, you're at risk of developing a real disorder."

To use autism as a metaphor, it's like if people noticed that hey, a lot more people seem to be autistic than we are actually diagnosing. Right now we're just diagnosing the people with high support needs who are super disabled by it. But other people could use recognition and help too. But instead of just lowering the criteria for what counts as autism, they say "hey, let's invent Asperger's syndrome." You know. That diagnosis that doesn't exist anymore for good reasons.

And then, also, how do we communicate with these people with Asperger's syndrome? Instead of saying "hey, you're autistic, and that's okay and awesome and valid," we say "while yes, you're on the autism spectrum, don't worry. You're not actually autistic. You're not one of those people, and you'll probably never have real autism. Don't go calling yourself autistic. You're not one of them." Yes, you heard me right... They actually have the gall to tell people like me "you're on the psychotic spectrum, but you're not psychotic. You can't call yourself psychotic." Which... What? That's not how spectrums work? The entire attitude of the clinic is "don't worry. You're not schizophrenic. You don't have psychosis. I know those people are scary. Don't worry. You're not one of the scary people with the scary thing." They look at the stigma and instead of even trying to fight it, they say "don't worry. You're not one of the stigmatized group."

So imagine being me. You just got a diagnosis that doesn't actually exist. If you google it (which is hard because they're using about 5 different names for it and can't just decide on one), you'll find a bunch of information that is either in scientific papers that are only written for other psychiatric people to read and not laymen, or information that is outdated compared to what the clinic is now discovering (stuff saying that sub-threshold symptoms only exist as the prodromal phase of schizophrenia). You feel alone as shit, because of course you do, the entire world thinks that psychotic people are cr*zy freaks. So you start looking to psychotic and schizophrenic people for community. You start identifying with them. When explaining your mental health, you just call yourself psychotic. And what do your therapists say? "No. You can't call yourself one of them. You are on their spectrum, but you're not really one of them. Doesn't it make you feel better to know you're not one of the freaks?" No. It doesn't. I'm already one of the freaks, and you've just cut me off from the only community I have because you've given me a diagnosis without any recognition or community. The reason I'm now confidently able to say "fuck you, I am a real psychotic and a real schizophrenic" is because I haven't been part of that clinic for two years so no one is telling me that anymore. The bounds of their studies mean that you can only be treated by them for 2 years and then you get kicked out because if you make it to 2 years without developing "real" psychosis, their research says that you never will, and they are still sort of operating under that original mission of keeping people with prodromal schizophrenia from going into psychosis. While I was still there, the way they tried to distance me from the rest of the spectrum as if that was a positive thing fucked me up. I felt so alone for so long, and I felt guilty for associating with and seeing myself in "real" schizophrenics.

I think the model we've reached with autism is where we should go with schizophrenia. Just call everything "schizophrenia spectrum disorder" (Yes I know autistic people hate ASD as a label because of the disorder part, but I think even the proudest schizophrenics who like and embrace some of their symptoms and don't want them all fixed still agree that it is a disorder. Yes, not all delusions actually need to be cured. Some of them can be positive and beneficial, even if personally none of mine ever have been. But stuff like disorganized thinking, anhedonia, and catatonia are always awful, and they're part of the package too). People who are currently going undiagnosed and who attenuated psychosis syndrome was coined for are the low-support needs end, and people who are currently diagnosed with schizophrenia are the high-support needs end. It's not exactly a perfect correlary, but I think it's reasonable. Unfortunately, while I don't know what's going to actually happen with the DSM-6 (which is still probably a good ten years out since a revision of the DSM-5 was released last year), as far as I know no one is proposing that. God knows when we'll ever get a reasonable and destigmatizing approach to the schizophrenia spectrum, but not any time soon.

God that was long. Well, thank you for giving me an excuse to rant. Basically, fuck the medical model, fuck the DSM, and fuck the people who are trying to change the DSM, too.

[mintytealfox]

Hey! I was wondering how different do you think Norton would be from how he is now if he had financial stability and actually good people around him? Would he and Alice still cross paths with each other?

EEY YYY YYOOOOOOOOOOOO 👀👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

I think he would be so incredibly different like OH MY GOSH! Him being able to be more of his true selffff. His nature seems to be that of diligent, passionate, hard working, observant, and kind. The being poor and loosing his family at such a young age, and being bullied relentlessly likely caused him to be extremely quiet, shut off, and constantly on high alert and survival mode except for when he is around someone he trusts, like Benny. Anyway all of that leading to rage building and just waiting to pop. So take all that away then I think you get:

Parents still being alive, having enough money to have the health care needed to keep the parents from untimely deaths (if the mother did die from health problems). The dad not even needing to be in the mines so wouldn't have gotten black lung in the first place. If the mom didn't die and left cause life was too much to bare, well having money would have prevented her leaving, sadly, and easier to bare. Cause I think, Norton's dad was a genuine nice guy who kept his head down and works hard and that is where Norton learned that so I 100% doubt she left cause of poor treatment. So with money both parents would still be in the picture likely

Better schooling, boi is a SPONGE for knowledge. He would likely be caught reading at all times if he could. I think that passion for knowledge would still be there without the desperation for money fueling him. He would be able to get far in the working world and probably easily start his own company of some sort. This man is a work horse and if put in the right place with the right people he could do great things. If he survives the manor he could do the same I genuinely think so, as long as he finds good people to belong with and not just use, but actual camaraderie 🤌

There is the risk of him hanging out with the wrong people and being a prick though lol, but his dad seems like someone who with nip that right in the bud and he respects his dad so much, so he should be alright in the end lol

Probably extremely more relaxed, there are definitely different sorts of stresses that come when someone does have money and is well off, but I doubt they would effect him as much as his literally starving and dying in the mines desperation to get out of it all. So, more relaxed lol

His being personable 'facade' he uses, not being a facade! He would likely be quite fun to listen to and tell great stories and great at explaining things since he is so smart. Then likely singing at some parties cause people are egging him on to show off his singing voice and AH 👏👏 which leads to

HUMMING more OFTEN while he does things! Like it seems like he was already humming while he worked but it would be less strained and tired, it would be more at ease and light and extremely pleasant to hear 😭

He could have familial bipolar or some sort of familial mental illness, so he still might have that, maybe from his mother. Likely has a therapist he needs to go to and keeps it under wraps cause it is the late 1800's early 1900's and ooof but in 1890's-1900 psychoanalytical therapies ("talking cures") were kicking off, being looked into.

NNOW as for him and ALICE meeting, I say YES ABSOLUTLY! 🤣I am sure Norton would do SOMETHING that would lead to some sort of interview lol Likely something Alice initially thought would be a boring topic to cover but then being pleasantly surprised that the person she is interviewing is quite interesting lol but THEN if she finds out about him going to psychoanalytical therapies for himself she would definitely want an interview about that but him being like "😬 how about noooo" Alice: "but there are so many in the world who would needs something like this and you are so familiar with it, surely you'd want to information out for them" Norton: "......answer is still no" I don't think he would relent on it, not wanting any of this out to the public eye, but maybe one day he might just talk and keep that information just between him and her. But the point of all that was, there would be a reason for them to keep 'meeting' cause Alice is hunting him down wanting to get the scoop on the mental stuff lol and Norton constantly like 'no, but do you want a coffee or something since hunted me all the way here?'

And then him trying to get information out of her right back lol "so interested in me, how about I turn the table"

OH MY GOSH what if he helps her trying to find her childhood friend and then they both arrive at the GOSH DARN MASION NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -shakes the bars of my brain- WHY MUST MY BRAIN DO THIS TO ME LOL

[orbleglorb]

Intrigued about a beginner's guide to being normal

this one has slowly become more and more of me projecting onto a character, yuniesky castellanos torres (aka conditional yuniesky). it deals with pretty heavy topics because i am really projecting so hard. honestly, if i write this, i may have to write a personal version & then a sanitized version the blb fandom will not find upsetting. ngl i am worried ppl are gonna think less of me for my yunie lore? i don't share the darker stuff, but ppl have liked the things i have shared! but also i have changed a lot of that lore! so idk lol

i'll use this summary as a litmus test, i suppose. warning for mentions of teen mental health treatment & gooning (if you don't recognize the term, you're probably fine) (unless that was a term only used at my rtc)

the story follows yunie from him joining blaseball up until all players were released. i have not written down that much, it mostly lives in my head. yuniesky runs away from a wilderness camp* in the moab desert and signs up as an employee in the city of moab. by the time staff find him, he legally belongs to blaseball and they can't do shit. he travels around to a few teams as a tech guy and meets conditional, the computer program, who has become incredibly unruly and uses its sentience to be a nuisance. and Yuniesky gets along with conditional. and since conditional is, like, a super important program that holds important information, yunie kinda just gets the job of being condi's caretaker. they become besties! yunie gets reborn as the shieve's s9 postseason birth and lives in their shadows (and works as their tech guy) for a long time. to avoid talking about where he came from & his past, yuniesky lies. and it's fine for the most part. nobody really talks to him. except for his grandma, who tracked him down like a fucking secret agent or some shit (haha. HAHAHAHA.) and is now doting on him, making sure he's ok, etc. his parents and siblings are too, but he's still pissed at them so he ignores them <3 being gooned** really broke his trust and now he struggles to be open in any capacity. so when his fellow teammates and shadow players ask about himself, he lies. and they keep building up. he gets worried that they'll find out, but luckily he is taken to seattle. crisis averted![citation needed]

yuniesky lands on the spies. he moves in with his grandma, which is really good for his mental health! but now she knows about his lying habit and wants him to stop. but there's two fucking shoe thieves on the spies so there's no way he's doing that shit. the problem? he can't remember what he lied about. he was 16 when he joined. he doesn't fucking remember! and even worse, they want to be friends. not just the former shieves, all of them. so yunie just. keeps lying. up until he gets closer with ivy, which was a TOTAL accident. ivy just needed to get out of a flash flood. then they needed homework help. then they decided he was their bestie/older brother. and ivy figures out that he's lying. and oh. oh it goes so badly. so bad. they have an argument at HQ (read: ivy yells at yunie about "betrayal" and "lying to your friends is bad" and yunie's like "you're not my friends lol. you're my coworkers. and we're spies"). yunie doesn't get why people are pissed. yunie thinks he is a good spy and the closest to normal he will ever be.

i didn't mean to type that much but whatever.

trigger warnings for the notes (basically an explanation of anything w an asterisk): residental treatment/troubled teen programs, ableism, mental & physical harm towards children with mental illness, kidnapping

*for those unaware: wilderness therapy camps are nomadic camps where kids are forced to walk a lot and it's supposed to be theraputic somehow. i'm not joking. you get landmarks you gotta be at, and if you're not there, you're punished. several kids have died in these programs because of neglect, because these camps run year-round in places like moab where it's hot as balls during the summer and colder than a witch's tit in winter. most of the camps are based in utah, supposedly because mormons have less strict rules on what counts as child abuse, but idk how true that is.

**i have no fucking clue what the actual term for gooning is. i can't find these companies anywhere. but in the rtc we called them goons. basically, a group of people are paid by a kid's parents (or sometimes the government) to come into their room in the middle of the night (usually 3 am), take the kid out of their bed, and force them into a vehicle and transport them to a treatment center. some kids don't learn that their parents paid for it until after they've arrived at the treatment center. gooning can leave victims with injuries and immense trauma.

[howlingday]

The Beautiful Simplicity of Roman Torchwick

Ruby: Hello there, Dapper Dan! I'm guessing you aren't here to make a deposit.

Roman: The name's Roman Torchwick, and that cash in the bank here has my name all over it!

Ruby: So what's your story, pal? Government agent done wrong by those he trusted, so you join the gang?

Roman: Eh, not really. The gang was my own choice, and I don't get too involved with politics.

Ruby: Were you a fashion icon escaping a broken home?

Roman: Nope. And, actually, my parents and I have a very strong relationship.

Ruby: Oh! I get it now! You have a son, daughter, wife, or husband who is afflicted by an unnamed, terminal illness, and you need the money for their treatment+

Roman: No, I... Does that happen a lot?

Ruby: More than you'd think. Unnamed, terminal illnesses really like to get around. But, I'm confused. If not for those reasons, then why? Is this really just about the money?

Roman: Well, money's good and all, but to be honest; I just like building street cred.

Ruby: Do what?

Roman: See that teller over there?

Ruby: Yeah?

Roman: I'm gonna use my real name, and steal his wallet.

Ruby: Oh!

Roman: And when I'm done with him, I'm gonna move on to the next teller, and the next one. You're probably thinking, "Mr. Torchwick, couldn't you just drill into ths vault and collect all the money in the vault?

Roman: But that's just not how I roll, Little Red. I like robbing people. It's what I do.

Ruby: So you're just gonna... mug the tellers?

Roman: To be honest, Little Red, I might not even take their wallets. I'll probably just tell them to remember my name and move on.

Ruby: Wow... I mean, it's definitely disruptive, but hearing your plan is actually relieving.

Roman: Really?

Ruby: Yeah, yeah, really! Because it's like with every villain, they have a sympathetic or justifiable reason for their crimes, and it starts being this game of mental chess. Are you the bad guy? Am I the bad guy? It's confusing, but with you, it's just straight to the point! I mean, you're just walking right up to people and robbing them!

Ruby: Not gonna lie, I really vibe with what you're doing.

Roman: Oh... Well, thanks, Little Red. So, uh, I guess we have to fight now, right?

Ruby: Actually, you know what, Roman? I'm gonna let you have this. Seriously, go for it! I, uh, I was never here. I never saw you.

Roman: Wow, uh, thanks, Little Red!

Ruby: Go get 'em, buddy! Wow... I guess it just goes to show any problem can be solved by just talking things out and coming to a mutual understa-

Ruby: What's that noise?

Ruby: OH GOD, HE'S SHOOTING THE PEOPLE! I DIDN'T THINK THIS THROUGH!

[marshmallowprotection]

Hello ! This is pukey Saeyoung anon.

I’m comin off anon bc honestly that shit is too much work. Pretty sure being sick this long has fried any last sense of inhibition or shame in my brain and I think everyone deserves to know how much I love Saeyoung smh. The extent to which that is my Mans. I will publicly gush if I so please. 😤😤

Plus! I’m pleased to report that I haven’t actually thrown up in about two weeks! So like. Hashtag recovery life I guess. 💀

But that’s what I came here to update you about. :’D

I feel like I kinda left you with a cliffhanger there with the whole bone cancer thing. (If it makes you feel any better, the hospital did too 👁👄👁)

November was very much,,, a terrible horrible no good very bad type of month. I spent nearly two weeks waiting for them to get back to me about my dumb bone marrow autopsy only for them to cancel my appointment last minute. And in the meantime I was just getting sicker and sicker… I ended up in and out of the hospital again a couple times,, but by the third time I was scared to go back bc the second time I went they didn’t even admit me overnight. They basically just charged me $700 to take a four hour nap. And cha boy doesn’t have that kinda money. 😭

But it got to the point that I really physically couldn’t take it anymore… I have never been in so much pain and discomfort in my entire life. Which unfortunately with the life I’ve had,, that’s a high ass bar lmao.

And it was just CONSTANT… I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t look at any screens. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stand. I was literally too weak to even pull a blanket up over myself. I literally was spending every night sobbing/shivering/barfing myself to sleep. It was baaaaaaad.

Luckily my roommate at this point had probably started to get annoyed by hearing me crying from pain all night and was like “dude I’m taking you to the hospital again”

And my third hospital visit !! They FINALLY gave me an answer as to wtf is going on!

Good news is…? Not bone cancer. I don’t have to enter my Deadpool era Quite yet.

Bad news…? Apparently I’ve got fuckin Lupus 🤡

Which is super cute and fun because,, you know. Incurable lifelong chronic illness. I’m literally gonna be dealing with this shit for the rest of my life. :)

But like. It’s a perfectly livable disease. As long as it’s, you know. Actually being taken care of and treated. Which I now have enough info to actually do haha.

(Hit the self-loathing so hard that even my own fuckin immune system was like, oh shit we gotta take this bitch DOWN 💀)

I’m soooo glad to be home and back from the hospital… but it’s been very strange too. I’m still really sick and I can’t really do much on my own and,,, my brain physically doesn’t know how to process being like,, taken care of. Honestly it kinda sets off alarm bells in my brain 😳 but I’ve had to accept pretty damn quickly that,, I don’t really have a choice rn. I’m so used to just being on my own pushing through all my pain and just. Waiting till it goes away on its own. But if I do that in this case… the pain will just get worse and my body will quite literally shut down on me and I will literally die. Sooooo like,,,, 🤡 I guess maybe I can stand to be taken care of for at least a little while.

Doc says with all the damage that’s been done to my organs and stuff this past year, they caught it early enough that the damage is reversible. But I need to undergo a really strict recovery treatment,, and they estimate it’ll be at least 18 months before I’m able to get back to my ~normal healthy baseline~. Which is insane… like am I really gonna be out here living like a sickly hermit for a damn year and a half?? I’m gonna keep feeling better, I know. And I’ll slowly be able to do more again. But I can’t go back to my job. It was causing me waaay too much physical and mental strain. :( so that’s gonna be fun to figure out.

They also put me on literally 12 new medications when I left the hospital to help control my symptoms. Each of which I have to take 1-3 times a day. So that’s super exciting. Love a big bowl of pills for breakfast every morning.

It was torture at first because I hate swallowing pills. But it’s been about a week and I’m honestly getting used to it already. And better yet? Even after only a week… they’re noticeably helping my symptoms… and I’m actually starting to be able to do things again… I *almost* feel like, 60% of a normal human person again,,, maybe even 65%! I’m slowly starting to regain my appetite finally… and I can do little things again… like play the new Pokémon game, or watch anime, or draw, or call a friend on the phone. Which… god what a relief 😭 words cannot describe how good it feels to be able to do those things again… frankly,, it was traumatic having to spend the last few months watching my body physically deteriorate in real time… so now that I’m starting to feel like myself again, if only a little. I’m like. Hey?? I actually love myself so much???? I think I’m a pretty cool fun interesting person. Thank GOD I’m making a comeback 😭😭

Saeyoung of course has been a great source of comfort for me throughout all of this… he always is one of my biggest sources of comfort in life… literally even just imagining him being in the same room as me is enough to put me more at ease…

When things were at their worst a big part of how I dealt with shit was vividly daydreaming about making up silly stories with Saeyoung to distract me. This is something I’ve done for years when I’m too upset or stressed to sleep,,, it’s been a reliable source of comfort for me for a hot minute. But it’s never gotten to this extent haha.

We have a whole ass story going,, I’m actually starting to get pretty attached to the story and the characters… which is stupid AF because it’s literally just. Me and Saeyoung Choi as fantasy self-inserts wherein he’s a court jester and I’m a knight and we’re going on a quest to ~find a cure for my mysterious illness~

But a part of me is like 🥺🤔 what if I actually wrote the story tho? Lmaoooo

Amongst other coping mechanisms and distractions,,, I’ve also been falling HARD into my online shopping addiction. But also, idk, can you blame me…? I’m a material gowrl at heart and I haven’t been able to go shopping in person for months 😔😔 I need little treats to get me through the day.

Mostly I’ve been spending an UNGODLY amount of money on plushies. Like… idk if I could count them and I don’t even wanna THINK about the prices fhdhdjd-

Mostly Pokémon and Sanrio characters. But a few other random critters as well.

And tbh?? I don’t regret a single purchase. They’ve literally all helped me feel more comfortable and joyful these past couple months, which I’ve really needed. So, even if my bed is starting to look RIDICULOUS from sheer volume of plushies…. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I’m living my best life

A few days ago I got a giant charmander plushy… and like. Ordinarily I’m not even the biggest fan of charmander (shut UP ABOUT CHARIZARD GAMEFREAK. IM OVER IT. GEN 1 IS POPULAR WE GET IT)

But I swear to god this young man is changing my life. It may be the softest squishiest most huggable plush I’ve ever encountered. I’ve been carrying him almost everywhere,,, starting to feel like the “ahh yes. Me, my partner, and their life sized mareep plushy” meme for real 💀💀

((How do you think Saeyoung would feel about me turning our bed into a literal mountain of plushies? Or having to compete for attention with my charmander? Hehe. ))

THERES ONLY ONE MORE THING I WANTED TO SAY…

If you’re actually taking the time to read all of this,,, holy shit thank you. And thank you for providing lonely bitches like me this outlet c’: to be able to talk… and share comfort… and express our deep love for these characters without fear of judgement. It’s really just such a lovely blog and I can never thank you enough.

But the last topic I wanted to touch on!!!

Ugh,,, I read your answer to the ask about Saeyoung with an MC into pastel goth fashion and…

That made me so happy 😭😭❤️❤️

I love fashion,,, so much. Truly one of my greatest joys in life is getting into a really cool fun outfit and strutting around Knowing that I’m cool as fuck and I look like a sexy badass 😤😤 it’s simply the most powerful feeling.

Love when I’m wearing an outfit I know looks fire and I can’t stop smirking haha.

And I just,,, love being flamboyant and silly and having fun with it. I’m 100% the type of person to walk into a store and go “this is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. The colors and patterns are such a mess they’re practically nauseating. I NEED IT.”

I have a collection of tacky button up shirts that could probably blind a man lmao. And JACKETS?? Don’t get me started on jackets. Boots,,, cargo pants,,, earrings,,, big colorful sunglasses. Ugh. <3

Since I’ve been so sick I haven’t been putting much effort into my appearance. My outfits were so joyless for a while… and then, well. I’ve spent the last month and a half wearing exclusively Pajamas and Hospital Gowns 😭

Considering that my main fashion inspirations ordinarily fall somewhere between Elton John, Lil nas x, and Jojo’s bizarre adventure…

Quite the glow down haha

I don’t think I realized fully how much I missed that until I read your ask…

You inspired me to go looking for some fun new clothes online. And now I’m feeling so excited and impatient for them to get here because I can’t remember the last time I got to put together a fun outfit… I actually wanna like,, get up and get dressed for the first time in so long c’: if only to waltz around my apartment a little bit and take a few selfies.

I’m not sure when I’ll be able to get back to my FULL level of glamour,, my inflammation is still pretty bad so my face and body are kinda weird and swollen and lumpy right now 🥴 and again,,, standing and walking are still very much a challenge. Idk if I could wear heels right now haha I’m wobbly enough on my feet already.

But I can’t wait to get back into it…

Like you were saying in that ask too… another part of why I love fashion defs has to do with my gender expression… and I LOVE LOVE LOVE when people bring that up with Saeyoung 😭 it always makes me grin and fills me with so much adoration to think about Sae getting to have fun and experience that euphoria with clothing and fashion as well… and especially the thought of us getting to do it together….? c’:

Literally a concept that is SO important and special to me 😭❤️❤️

Idk what kinda wonky matching outfits we’d be putting together but I know that we would look so fuckin cool and hot 😤😤 and best of all we could have so much fun. Which… tbh, there’s nothing more I could ask for in life.

Plus of course,,, there’s always the added fun of self indulgently getting to imagine Saeyoung admiring and complimenting me on my fashion :’D and like,,, thinking I’m cool or whatever 😭

Anyways! Those are all the things I wanted to say.

If you’re still reading this,, //what’s wrong with you bahaha I’m such a rambly mess

But like. Thank you. And deadass if this is too long to read or respond to feel free to leave it in your inbox or just delete it.

Honestly it was just really nice to be able to type out all these thoughts just to sorta. Get it out and decompress, ya know…? c’:

I hope you have an absolutely beautiful day.

While I am happy to hear that you have a better understanding of what's going on in your life, I'm sorry you're going through this transitional time when you discover that you have chronic illness. That has to be the most difficult time for a lot of people. You have to make a lot of adjustments and make changes that you may not be happy with to make sure that you're taken care of. I empathize and understand this because I deal with multiple chronic illnesses. If you ever need a safe space to vent about it, this is always a safe spot. Whether you want it to be posted or not, you can always scream into the inbox.

I hope you don't beat yourself up over the new limitations and changes that are coming into your life. It'll be hard for a little while to get used to everything. But it'll be okay. I can't promise that it'll be easy in the long run. This journey is a lot different for everybody. I think what helps when you feel lonely and isolated in that regard, is to find comfort in the things that make you happy and if that is this video game, then I'm glad that you have it. It's been there for me through all of my experiences so I'm also grateful for it.

I know what it feels like to be lonely and afraid. Having my blog like this... it’s a place where I’m able to help everyone’s dream. It’s simple, it’s small, but I know even the smallest response of “Yes, your favorite character would do this for you today!” means the world to someone on their worst day. I hope that you’re able to find some spoons to dress up and feel good very soon. It’s hard to find a good day sometimes, but you’ll have soon, I’ll cross my fingers for you.

Imagine that, I mean, imagine Saeyoung gushing over you because you found the energy to get up and show off your new outfit. There’s dazzling sparkles in his eyes as he looks at you. His hands are pressed to his mouth, and he looks like he’s going to keel over in delight. He’s absolutely enamored and in love with the sight of you. “You’re so handsome! I can’t take it! I’m in the presence of the best lover! I think I’m the luckiest boyfriend in the world!” Cue him pretending to faint before you ask him if he’s getting dressed, too.

That’s when he springs back up: “Wait, wait, wait, I’ve got the perfect dress that’ll match this. I’ll even let you pick my hair style for the day!”

[lifblogs]

So I made a mistake with scheduling earlier and my mom said it was CRUEL. Yeah, uh huh, a sick person going through an intense health treatment that makes them more sick for awhile is CRUEL for fucking forgetting an appointment day/time.

She also kept telling me she treats me like a child because adulting makes me suicidal.

I… I almost tried very hard not to be here 12 hours ago. Archer talked to me, and after Loki yelled at my mom for making me cry he came and cuddled with me.

I thought I didn’t deserve anything. I didn’t deserve my belongings, I didn’t deserve my room, I didn’t deserve food, I didn’t deserve to breathe, and I certainly didn’t deserve my cat. After a few minutes cuddling with Loki my thoughts began to change, and I started planning what I could do with Loki later. (Though I definitely think she’ll use me reacting to abuse badly [oh wow, who wouldn’t?] as an excuse to not take Loki to the vet. She doesn’t even believe he’s sick, even when he has post-ictal symptoms right fucking in front of her.)

The thoughts have gone… back and forth. A lot. But now I just realize how ridiculous it is that I am 25 and she treats me like a child because I’m mentally ill. I also tried telling her she treated me like a child at a recent doctor’s appointment, and she denied the entire thing.

She literally started off some of her bs yesterday with, “I’m not being cruel, but this is why I treat you like a child,” after I said I know HOW to adult, but I literally want to die every time I do. So. Fucked. Up.

She also said she won’t help me with appointments AT ALL if she can’t treat me like a child. She needs to fucking stop with these ableist ultimatums and her fucking black and white thinking. She also asked why I can’t just do the appointments on my own. I don’t know, Beth, maybe it’s the fucking seizure disorder. Maybe there are a ton of potential triggers I’d come across in an uber. Maybe I can’t fucking speak for myself when I’m that sick. Maybe I will feel dizzy and need a god damn wheelchair that I can’t fucking push because my wrist is in a splint. Maybe I have an emergency med that someone ELSE has to administer because I wouldn’t fucking be able to.

I also believe she’ll use all this as a reason not to get me a wheelchair. She’s already being a bitch about that one. She kept saying she’d get one from her friend, and when I tried to be dead serious about it she said it wouldn’t fit in the car or the apartment. Thanks for getting my fucking hopes up that I could get help. And oh no, I’m apparently a bitch for wanting to kill myself for being abused because I’m sick, so I don’t deserve any help whatsoever and it’d be better if I just suffer. Thanks, Mom. /s 🖕

I just cannot believe she also said she would continue to abuse me. I’m sorry, but how does that help anyone? Guess it certainly helps herself. Well, she can go fuck herself.

[ina-nis]

“It’s great you feel comfortable enough to share with everyone here!”

I do not! I feel like I don’t have a choice!

It’s a cry for help.

And I’m not being listened to.

I’m begging to be seen, begging to be witnessed, validated and reassured, but the help and support I receive is so detached and impersonal it ends up making me feel so much worse.

I’m putting myself out there. I’m reaching out however I can. I’m making myself vulnerable and approachable by sharing my story, showing my truth unfiltered, showing how I’ve been working towards bettering myself, too. I’m sharing the joy and the pain, it can’t get any more transparent or clear than that and yet...

The way I feel their comfort is so disconnected... because I keep on looking for things they cannot give me...

Even here!

Deep inside, I expected “maybe I’ll find some people I can get close to”. It’s been an year (and several years on my other blogs). There’s nothing. I know it’s not because I’m doing the wrong things or anything like that, I’m not.

It’s just that this is the wrong place to find what I’m looking for, huh? The right places are wrong for me, or so it seems.

What am I supposed to do?

What else can I do? What else should I say?

Heed to my cry for help. I’ve told you what I want, what I need, the things I’m struggling with, the things I’m working on.

I know I’m deserving of love, of lust even. I keep fighting internally, yelling at myself that this is not my fault and it’s not like I’m undesirable or unlovable - I know that’s a lie - I know the issue is that I’m probably looking in the wrong places and maybe for the wrong people but... there’s no such thing, is there?

It can happen anywhere with anyone at any point.

So what has to change is the way I look into things, huh?

And this is where things always get so frustrating... for example: of course the way I feel their comfort is so disconnected, it’s because I keep on looking for all the things they can’t give me! I just need to think about all the things they can actually give me! So simple!

Isn’t that a form of avoidance though?

Yes, sure, let me just focus on the things they can give me (that I already know they can and are not the things I am looking for) and that way, magically, I will not feel these awful feelings that are rotting me from the inside out.

Oh, so that’s called “reframing” or “looking on the bright side” or something along those lines?

It feels like avoidance because it is.

I avoid my loneliness to focus on something else while still lonely. It’s no wonder it doesn’t work.

“It’s because you’re so focused on being lonely/on your loneliness.”

I’m not. I’m constantly trying to focus on literally anything else but this. And what happens when you avoid something that affects you a lot? It gets more entrenched and feels even more intense...

Then the dialogue becomes more about how I can “embrace” or “accept” this, to which I retort: I love solitude, it recharges me and a very high percentage of my life and passions revolves around solitary activities, things I can do by myself. I have already accepted it, I have embraced it fully, it doesn’t make it any less painful or soul-crushing.

Ironically, I feel like the reason and hope I’m holding onto solely - regarding me being unable to “accept” a solitary life and give up on my longing and love, and literally stop struggling and swimming against the current - is the fact that I know, have witnessed, have lived with people who are awful, abusive and severely mentally ill who made little effort to improve. They have relationships! They have a support system, they have something to call family, intimacy and whatever else I’ve been seeking for so long.

I keep thinking if a person like that, if people like that can have all these things even though they’re absolutely fucked up why can’t I?! When I’m actually putting so much effort in treatment and improving my life for myself and to able to connect with others.

I can only imagine the types of relationships I’ll obtain as someone who is healing and trying to move forward and be better. They’ll be good ones.

That stuff gives me hope I’ll find someone for me. If they found someone for them, there will be someone for me too.

It’s probably a matter of time.

I’ll keep on crying for help. I’ll keep on reaching out, showing the joy and the pain. I’ll keep on doing what I can. I’ll keep on asking for what I need.

I’m doing the right thing.

I have to believe it.

[swampgallows]

thread on reddit about “what made you not kill yourself?” and all these people being like ohh my pets, my kids, my family, my best friend, etc and all i can think of is how people in my life would just make it about themselves

when T died all these fake ass motherfuckers came out of the woodwork talking about how they loved him sooo much and blah blah blah. none of these people fucking took him in. i lived in my dorm at the time but i let him sleep on my floor when i could get away with it, he even stayed over at my parents house once or twice cause they knew he was a good guy. all these people who knew he was trying to go straight and recover but kept pulling him back into drug shit. the system failed him in a lot of ways too (esp options limited to people who’ve been to prison) but i saw how people around him failed him too. i, too, feel that i failed him. i could have done things differently, but i was young and naiive. 

ive written it before but when T died the main reaction was people making it about themselves, how theyre so sad now, how theyre missing something, etc.  theyd make him take the bus to his own fuckin parties. demand guest list when it was like 10-15 at the crud. his own fucking mom wouldnt take him in but still posts on his fb all the time about how she misses her beautiful boy. when it came to actual talking about T, the majority of people just sort of shrugged and went “eh, he was on that track anyway” or “it was inevitable” or “it was bound to happen eventually”, and feeling no real remorse or regret that someone who was clearly in need of help never got any. 

and i feel pretty certain that would happen with me. all the people who bullied me in high school hearing that “bead girl killed herself, but eh, she was always pretty weird” or “well she’s always been depressed so :\” or “omg did covid finally get her? she never shut the fuck up about it” or “oh THOSE PEOPLE would have just died of the flu anyway”. those people. those people. those people. hell people have been begging me to kill myself since i was like 13 years old, i would just be fulfilling their wish.

there is a lot of talk about ‘battling suicide’ and ‘raising awareness’ but we still dont use the language yet about losing the battle. we never say we lost someone to suicide, we still say that they “committed” it, that it was an act on their part unprecedented by anything else, a choice they made that was “selfish” and independent of other factors. some have been trying to say people “die by suicide”, but you dont hear anyone say that people die of depression or that people die of mental illness.

and yet they do. they die of illness. they die of mental illness. suicide is not something that happens when you are healthy. every fiber of our being rebels against it, unless there is an illness to override it. saying it is a selfish choice someone made is like accusing someone of purposefully cultivating their cancer. and yet people do that too, the way they treat substance users. they ignore what help these people need and blame them for their poor coping mechanisms or their lack of access to treatment.

yes, i know being isolated at home for the last decade isn’t the best for my mental health, but what else am i supposed to do about it? “Go to the doctor”? and what then, genius? is prozac going to pay bills? will effexor boost my resumé with more work experience? does wellbutrin immunize against covid? does cymbalta allow me to meet with my therapist more than once every 6 weeks? is a daily dose of zoloft all i need to combat ptsd? does lexapro double as emdr, c/dbt, ect, or other professionally-led treatments? did me personally taking celexa remove any of the institutional barriers preventing me from connecting with my community, feeling included, being productive and valued and capable of actually participating in the world around me?

no. it made me hallucinate and unable to sleep for 56 hours.

[heavenlydevine]

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A PERSON DEALING WITH DEPRESSION:

NOTE: If you have never suffered from mental illness, it may be difficult for you to completely understand what it is like. It cannot just magically go away. So instead of blurting out what seems like rational advice to someone with depression, try to take a moment to consider the depths of their despair and the effects of your speech. Words have power.

SHARE AND REBLOG. THIS MIGHT HELP SOMEONE OUT THERE.

↠ Cheer up, it isn't the end of the world. No, it isn't but it certainly feels like it. Having depression is different than having a bad day. We can all bounce back from a bad day. A person with depression may need treatment for weeks, months, or years before they feel well again. Do not make light of a serious affliction. You have absolutely no idea, unless you've been through something similar, how much harm those words can cause.

↠You'll get over it. No, it isn't that simple. Depression feels relentless and never-ending. When you do your best to plaster on a smile and pretend everything in your life isn't falling apart, bit by bit, then it will most certainly not feel like you'll ever get over it. Some people just can't heal.

↠What do you have to be depressed about? A person might have a terrific job, a nice home, a beautiful family, and many friends. I for one, have a beautiful family. I have a beautiful little girl who keeps me in place, but even then, when people tell me constantly that I have nothing to be depressed about, is to ask them if they could walk in my shoes, knowing what I've went through, and still come out 100% fine in the end?  Just because things seem terrific on the surface of their life, does not mean that they are not hurting. Open your mind to the possibility that everything is not as rosy as it seems.

↠Stop being so dramatic. In truth, the behavior of a depressed person might not even begin to reveal the extent of pain that they are suffering, so don't judge someone when they finally break down and give insight to what's been bothering them. There is no set of rules for how a person should behave when they are consumed with sorrow. I deal with it in three stages: denial that it's real, anger that I can't make it go away, and then a haunting truth that something is wrong, yet instead of talking about it, I hide. Because too many times has someone told me that I'm being dramatic. Instead of judging their behavior, realize that mental illness is a ruthless and formidable opponent. Have compassion.

↠It's all in your head. This one, this simple little sentence has such a big impact on someone struggling with depression. Yes, it is. It's a mental illness. And the mind is jus as important as the rest of the body is. Imagine being trapped in your own mind, constantly being plagued with sinister thoughts of unworthiness. Whether tomorrow actually comes, whether it would be worth it. Try being trapped in a cage, wishing for a glimpse of freedom, only to throw away the key because you'd rather deal with your own thoughts and emotions than lay them out in the open, waiting for someone to understand.

↠You don't look depressed. Oh, I'm sorry. What does depression look like? What am I supposed to look like? While it is true that some people stop caring for themselves physically due to serious depression, it is also true that people can appear completely healthy. Depression affects people differently. People with depression can sometimes function in a seemingly normal way. They might take care of themselves, go to work, and even smile or laugh. This does not mean that they are not experiencing internal anguish.

↠Snap out of it. Oh, if we they could. Do not make the mistake of thinking that a person can simply choose to turn off their depression. We can't pull off a Damon Salvatore from the Vampire Diaries and switch it off. This is reality. If they could, they would. Nobody wants to feel the debilitating sorrow that accompanies depression. It is not a pleasant feeling. It may take counseling, medication, and months of healing before a depressed person feels relief. Instead of suggesting that they turn it off, let them know that you understand that they do not have this power. Understanding is a rare gift to someone who is struggling.

↠It could be worse. Depression skews a person's world view. Logically, they know that things could be worse. They could be suffering torture or enduring homelessness. However, when people are depressed, knowing that it could be worse does nothing to ease their pain. Their mind can be consumed by thoughts of loneliness, being misunderstood, and unimaginable emotional turmoil. These feelings can make a person physically ill. Highlighting the fact that people are starving in foreign countries will do nothing to soothe the pain of someone with depression. Instead, be sure they know that you take their suffering seriously.

↠Don't be selfish. Those with depression may seem like they are only focused on themselves. The truth is that depression can consume a person's thoughts and actions. When people are overtaken by feelings of hopelessness, it is difficult for them to see beyond their own pain. This does not make them selfish. It makes them hurting human beings. By calling them selfish, you are adding to the guilt and shame that accompany feelings of worthlessness and isolation. Instead, suggest that they take care of themselves. Offer to give them a break by babysitting for them or bringing them groceries. Help them practice self-care, such as getting a massage or meeting with a therapist.

↠You think you have it bad. Do not minimize the pain someone is going through by suggesting that you have it worse than they do. You cannot possibly know what is going on inside someone else's mind. By stating that you somehow have it worse than they do, you are completely devaluing the seriousness of their condition. Instead, tell them that you cannot begin to imagine what they are going through - which is, in fact, true. Just be there for them and listen. People with depression do not expect you to solve their problems. They just want to be heard and understood.

It's difficult to explain depression to someone who hasn't, or still is, experiencing it themselves. You get days where you can barely see the sun shine, and then days where it feels like you just can't anymore.

Depression kills things slowly. You can't see it, but it's there. All around is. It isn't nice to judge someone—especially when you have no idea what they've been through, or is going through. 

So when someone tells you that they are in a dark place, or whether they feel lost, or find themselves in a constant loop that seems never ending, try to be more understanding. It takes a lot out of a person to let go. 

Be kind.

If you are dealing with depression, or know of someone going through a rough time, please reach out. It never hurts to check up.

Because the haunting truth is the little old saying, you'll never know until its too late.

MY DMS ARE ALWAYS OPEN.

[aliengirl-97]

bluerayhealing 10h if it's any consolation that at least you had this person you love for 10 years. i would've taken those years with the person i love even if it was abusive. it's 10 years for me since i was with this guy that i fell in love with who would shove me when i didn't want sex and pulled my hair so hard i felt my neck would snap, but he left me and all this time i wish i had been good enough and i wish he would've stayed even if it was abusive, it's better than indifference.

I took a lot of time to digest this message and figure out how to reply to it. Every emotion flickered through my mind.

The short:

A man who abuses you doesnt love you. A man who abuses you is indifferent to your suffering, they just pretend otherwise to keep you around to fulfil the further need they have to abuse and control.

The long:

When I was a teenager, I was extremely unstable - self harm, alcohol use, risky sex behaviour, the works - and very vulnerable to abuse. I met a man online who was there for me, he listened to me, he cared, he assured me my abuse didnt make me unlovable and actually made me better (giant red flag), and I began to see him irl.

I moved in with him after 2 years in my late teens.

Over the course of this relationship, he would hit me, control everything I did - the way I spoke, dressed, acted, who I could talk to - and abuse me physically and sexually, including things like strangling me. He would constantly remind me I wasnt good enough - pretty enough, not funny, not smart, the only good thing about me was that I was useful. And I agreed.

I am in my late 20s now. I have been isolated from anyone but him for so long that I cant function. I have no idea how to do shit like pay rent due to the financial control. I wont trauma dump more details, but I was treated incredibly badly and will be in therapy for the rest of my life.

My diary entries for years were begging him to love me, begging for me to just be better, do better, if I was better he would love me more, oh Im such a bad person to make him put up with this etc. I was groomed and systematically abused until I thought I was the problem against all greater logic. After all, he couldnt be bad, he loved me, right? It's my fault, I am not giving him what he needs, and as he reminded me I could give him what he needed or fuck off. And I had no one but him, so I clung on.

A man who abuses you doesnt love you. A man who abuses you is indifferent to your suffering, they just pretend otherwise to keep you around to fulfil the further need they have to abuse and control.

I would give anything to have no spent 10 years with a monster, to have woken up sooner, I'd trade my left arm to have my teens and 20s back. Im gonna spend til Im 30 just putting my life back together.

What you describe and experience is similar to the trap I was in for 10 years - yearning, desperately, to be enough for someone who doesnt give a shit. Difference is mine kept me around cos I was useful, doesn't mean he cared. And this may sound harsh, but it isnt real love, it's a obsessive bond that forms from trauma. Heightened when someone dangles the idea of being 'good enough' over your head.

I have many, many mentally ill rants in diaries about how I'm not even good enough to abuse, and I can only say that doesn't exist. I'm glad that man isnt in your life cos he's not good enough for you, no one deserves someone who treats them like that. I used to think that treatment was the best I could hope for.

Use me, abuse me, just as long as you stay and love me - I can have the illusion of love for a while, even if deep down I know I'm being used.

I dont know if I am ever gonna escape that mentality and that girl still lives within me, but I am awake enough to know where that path leads. That path leads to 10 years of your life giving things away that no one should, all for a man who doesnt even fucking like you. My ex hated everything about me - my interests, hobbies, humour, appearance - but always gave me 'chances' to improve. They keep you pining so you're too focused on yourself to see the abuse.

I wish I could say something that could stop you ever ending up in that situation as you are at risk for that, but I also know there's shit all anyone could have said to me. People did over the years and planted the seeds of doubt that took years to grow into "oh, this isnt okay".

There is nothing wrong with you. There's not something defective about you that made you not good enough. This is what abusers do. They hurt you, keep you around til they get bored, and throw you away. But non abusive love exists, and so does finding people who think you're absolutely wonderful for who you are.