#its been 14 hours and im still pissed about it

[st6rrrs]

TRATIOR || rafe cameron x fem reader

summary: the pogues find out yn's secret

warnings: cursing, arguing, soft rafe!!!, fluff?

a/n: idk if i should keep this into to a one shot or make a story!!!!

˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗

you and rafe were in his bed talking when you realized what time it was, 5:29pm

"Shit rafe i gotta go" you said

you jumped off of the bed and quickly put your clothes on

"where are you going?" he asked getting off the bed also

"i gotta go to the chateau to meet up with the pogues"

he groaned.

you grab your backpack and head to the door but before you could open it rafe got in front of you.

"do you have to leave" rafe whines

"yes rafe, i'll be back in a couple of hours" you say

"fine" he groans again but louder this time, he walks back to the bed laying on it getting his phone out, you roll your eyes and exit the room.

˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗

you get on your bike and start pedaling towards the cut.

you and rafe have been dating for a couple of months now but you guys haven't told anyone yet. if the pogues find out that you and rafe have been dating they would be PISSED

thats one of the reasons you dont wanna go public, rafe honestly doesn't give a shit if anyone finds out because he will still love you and you would still love him.

you arrive at the chateau and you see the pogues on the front porch, Sarah was sitting next to john b? why was Sarah here?

kie disliked Sarah for as long as you can remember. When kie and Sarah were friends Sarah threw this party without inviting kie and kie got mad and called the cops.

"you know we were all extremely comfortable until you brought her."

you hear kie say as you approach them

"stop talking about me like im not here" Sarah says

"then leave."

"umm whats happening?" you mouth to pope and jj passing kie, Sarah, and john b them to busy arguing to notice you. You walk over to sit in between jj and pope.

"john b is banging Sarah" jj says while laughing

"WHAT" you almost yell

"oh look y/n is here, why dont we ask her opinion is on this" kie says

"please don't" you whine "but if im being honest i dont think its a good idea"

Sarah's scoffs

"oh you can talk" she says looking at you

"what?" you laugh

"like you aren't fucking my brother" she says rolling her eyes and looking away

you immediately go pale.

"is that true y/n?" kie ask you in disbelief

you don't answer her

jj gets up from beside you and just looks at you in disbelief. you look over at pope his hand on his forehead and he's shaking his head disappointed.

"you cant be fucking serious!" jj yells at you "he beat up pope with a golf club and then jumped us with topper and kelce"

jj has had a crush on you ever since you guys were 14 but you didn't feel the same way. Everyone always shipped you guys together but you wouldn't force yourself to date someone you didn't like You only liked jj as a friend but he never really listened to you.

"i-i-im sorry!! but he's different with me" you try to explain to them

"hes just gonna use you like he does every other girl on this island" Sarah says

"no he-" but before you could finish your sentence pope interrupted you

"just leave y/n." he said annoyed not looking at you

"g-guys please!"

"JUST FUCKING LEAVE JEEZ!" jj yells at you, you have never seen him this angry in the whole 7 years you knew him.

tears rolled down your cheeks as you looked at him. He had no remorse for what he said he was very angry and you could understand why but none of them even gave you a chance to explain yourself. You quickly grabbed your bag pack and left without looking back.

"AND DONT BOTHER COMING BACK EITHER! HAVE FUN WITH YOUR KOOKY BOYFRIEND" jj yelled before you could leave

˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ' -

you open the front door to the camerons household, rafe gave you the key when you guys started dating. the house was so quite and cold, you walk up the stairs to rafe room still sobbing.

you open his room door and hes sleep on his bed, it was sometime pass 7 you didn't want to wake him and you were exhausted yourself so you just laid next to him and got under the covers still sobbing quietly. you couldn't believe that jj would ever say that too you, it wasn't like him

you hear rafe groan awake

"y/n is that you" he says in his sleepy voice

"yea"

"are you crying?"

"im fine go back to sleep rafe."

"no.,whats wrong come here" he gestured so you could lay on his chest

you gave in and sobbed in his chest for a while until you fell asleep.

part 2?

this might be bad but i tried 😪 👍🏻

taglist:

@bbsxsaa @xxbutdaddyilovehimxx @drewstarkeyslut @stvrkey. @blondbrat @sevenwivesofrafecameron @tracymbcm

[geffenrecords]

I still would like to see your stuff about diary of a wimpy kid. hand it over 🫴🏽

oh boy um. okay. so i hauvent posted abt them in a long time but i imagine if youve followed me for long enuf you remember....and boy theres a lot to sayhere

so the context is that like when i was like 14..me & my at the time best friend became just like. obsessed with the diary of a wimpy kid movies. and im dead serious we were obsessed with them. we watched them all the time and talked about them for hours. like im straight up we loved these movies. my only possible defense for what was up with me is that i was really anorexic haha so i was really weird in the head. but anyways, obviously mostly people only talk about those movies because they like rodrick and well looks around yeah. but also ☝️ we were retired glee kids. my friend had previously been the biggest fan of the warblers from glee (who altogether have maybe 8 minutes of screentime) and we were retired newsies fans. we were really cringey fandom kids still & we were really really good at loving total nothing background characters. so !

if you pay attention. in the first movie rodricks band consists of 1 redhead kid on guitar, some emo kid, and some other random guy. in rodrick rules/dog days, his band is two guys named ben and chris (plus bill in rodrick rules and some random kid they found for dog days). chris doesnt have any lines i dont think but he is there a lot in rodrick rules. i dont have any evidence but im like 79% sure he was definitely high during the filming. and if he wasnt hes really good at acting it. ben does have lines though :-) in rodrick rules he and rodrick drive rowley and greg home and discuss what song theyre going to perform at the talent show and he says "dude we'll get to go backstage" at the party scene.

um. anyways yeah. we made them into what was pretty much our own characters and gave them a whole story which is so long and. in all honesty i just forgot so much of i make shit up all the time for it when i do stuff with it now. but its silly and long and to sum it up -> ben works at office max in a mall (i dont think they have office max in malls) and rodrick keeps coming in to print/copy band posters. one night he breaks the machine so he and ben talk and rodrick asks him to join his band. he says yes, so ben and chris join the band which is rodrick and matt (emo kid from the first movie, who guess what doesnt say a single thing. he just stands there and claps at the sorry women scene) also the big joke with matt was that he works at chuck e cheese and hes the guy who wears the mouse costume and ben rodrick and chris all keep going there and pissing him off and eventually he gets mad and yells at them and thats how they all meet. i think thats what we created him for basically. ben is rhythm guitar/vocals, chris is bass, rodrick is drums, and matt is lead guitar. they break up at the end of highschool and reunite after dropping out of college and get world famous haha. just think like really annoying music kids in like 2007 who actually have a successful band...(their song is rodrick rules is good...i promise go look it up).

but ya. its unfortunately such a personal story to me atp that i cant let it go even though im not even friends with that person anymore. and also i dont really care. its funny & i draw them so much now and also. rodrick rules is such a good fucking movie. i dont care its definitely in my top ten favorites im deadass. whatevs.

other noteable things from this is kitty. whos my oc completely but shes chris' girlfriend and we made her up because the whole joke was she pegged him to paramore. hides my face this is just who we were at the time. but i draw her more with my own ocs than i do with chris her boyfriend who is the only reason she exists. i think thats all. im sorry this is so long but ive never actually explained the whole thing. theres so much more but i literally wont stop if i start. go thru the doawk tag on my blog 4 further explanation or ask me...i love talking about them please please.... bonus drawing of them i just did for this👍

[storm-of-feathers]

Hi slept for ever and im still tired asf but idk where to even fucking start

So, after calling in to refill my ambien, which they said was fine, I waited ab 3 hours. So I wanted to call them again to check on it and make sure they understood the insurance issue (I've been fighting w my insurance for ever ab it)

Anyways around 12-1sh I tried to call them and their stupid little voice robot thing wasn't working. Like at all. So i decided to go in person to the store and ask ab it.

So after explaining a couple things to the pharmacy tech(? I think) she calls someone else over and asks what something means while pointing to something on the screen I can't see

And her coworker says, in no secret way, that it says "drug abuse red flag". And she seemed SHOCKED when I said "what?" And was likely visibly pissed bc. Wtf. Like they were standing directly in front of me, with only a counter and a thin covid shield. There was no way she could have said it that I WOULDNT have heard her.

So I tried to repeat myself, for probably the 10th fucking time by that point, that I am trying to get ambien refilled. I've called it in every other Tuesday for months, why now is it a problem? To which she says she's gonna go talk to the pharmacist

Since she has no volume control I got to overhear "[They] seemed really upset" and I guess me being angry only added to Reasons I'm A Red Flag. But of course I was fucking angry?? They cancelled one prescription the day before and now they've given me the run around on a medication that I have an ongoing prescription for?? What the HELL.

Like. Even if I wasnt trying to refill a control (and to reiterate this is for fucking ambien, I wasnt trying to get oxys or something), they had already fucked with one of my other prescriptions and their phone system was busted so I had to get dressed and go see them in person. Of COURSE I was annoyed.

And she had the AUDACITY to be like "oh its just our lingo :)" like no bitch you werent exactly talking in code were you. And i didn't even really say much outside of "what." At first because i didn't know WHAT to fucking say.

They said they'd prepare the refill a "day early" for me even though they "normally wouldn't" (which is bullshit bc they've done that for me consistently for MONTHS. I get 15 at a time and I call in every 14). Like they were acting like I had Karen'd my way into making them do something when they normally do it??

I'm absolutely going to change pharmacies bc that was just ridiculous. And the fucked irony is if I had ever spoken like that to/about a customer(/patient) in any job that I've ever had I'd have gotten my ass handed to me. What the hell.

[eirrw]

spoilers are below the break and indented

2022-11-13, 15:13

so id written up this whole first impressions review after watching s2e1 of warrior nun but i think it disappeared into the aether?

im through s2e4 now and and opinions are pretty much the same. writing is better but still not great, feels like the got a better budget and/or practice on the vfx, storylines are interesting enough to make me want to keep watching

im sketch about the major new characters (but i always am (especially men)), but as theyre built out i am intrigued how things will go. there's some relationships hinted at that id love to see followed up on cause im a hopeless romantic at heart

theres also some kickass demon murder which is always cool

2022-11-14, 00:07

right so netflix already killed one show i loved this year (rip first kill, you were too stupid to live 🙏). if warrior nun doesnt get a third (final? wrap it up, dont push your luck) act i might actually fuckin riot.

and dont get me wrong, i have ~feelings~ about how the show went down (particularly e8), but those can (and should) be cleaned up

can we talk about the tropes that went into the last bit tho? kill your gays, forbidden lovers, borderline enemies-to-lovers, fuck! also the whole thing felt really male-gaze-ish

dont get me wrong, i was rooting for it the whole time (see: hopeless romantic), as someone who mostly ids as male it felt kinda icky. idk maybe im just drunk

but anyways, it was good solid fun and i think it deserves another go. give it a whirl netflix, take a risk, you have a content problem and making cool shows that ~some~ (not all!) people like helps

also it takes the piss outta the church. i think i make my view on religion fairly clear (and am happy to clarify them if i dont), but i am an absolute sucker for myth and legend and boy howdy do the abrahamics have a lot of that

christianity is of particular interest to me, maybe because its the predominant religion in my part of the world, and the one ive been exposed the most. i also find that in general its the least commonly to be used in a mythological sense

i love shit like warrior nun, or lucifer, or his dark materials (is the show good? i havent seen it), that use christian myth as an inspiration/basis and spiral out from there. like fuckin da vinci code is about the fake history, these build a fantasy out of the legends

i see "a lot" of stuff stemming out of islamic and jewish myths, and im not nearly well-versed enough to say why that is. maybe theyre older religions that hung on to some of the old gods cruft? the creatures and shit that dont really appear in christianity

and dont get me started on the ips that are built on other old religions. norse, greek, slavic, the "old gods" that are classified as myth solely cause no one really believes it any more

theres no difference to christianity, or judaism, or islam, outside of the fact that people still believe in it. its all stories to explain why the world is the way it is and codify a way to live

im mainly picking in the big three here, but i have the same feeling towards all the others. hinduism, shintō, etc dont get a pass

so yeah, more christian myth please. theres a lot of material there and making people mad is fun.

2022-11-14, 12:51

been thinking a bit more about why this bothered me so much can we talk about the tropes that went into the last bit tho? kill your gays, forbidden lovers, borderline enemies-to-lovers, fuck! also the whole thing felt really male-gaze-ish

i think its the build up. they were pushing this from e1 or e2 with the dance scene, but then did the ol classic "we're into each other but we're never gonna talk about it like normal people"

and the relationship never progressed. at all. until the last half hour when its just lets kiss and declare our love for each other

which fair, these chars are young and in a rough spot (mildly) so maybe theres no time for that. but it still felt weird

and something i see pretty often (from a certain crowd) in these situations is the "oh so youre just gonna make 'a' gay now? she never suggested anything like that", and its like, no

bi people exist. and if theyre in a heteronormative relationship then 1, good for them, and 2, they can still be into the same sex! they dont need to talk about it!

and in this case, 'a' had been confined to a bed in a catholic orphanage for most of her life. maybe the whole, oh i like girls too thing just didn't hit for a while.

and 'b' was obviously gay right from her exposition chat in s1, even if they didn't come right out and say it (see: catholics).

i love that it happened but im bothered that there was no depth to it. idk, maybe if they figured it out in like, e5, and were able to spend some time building up to that final release itd have gone down better

i.e. still tropey but at left i could have felt better about it

copied from twitter, 2022-11-13/14 https://twitter.com/virunus_/status/1591887046150340615

[husbandhoshi]

me booping you as a monthly checkup (which is smth im doing frm today onwards) :D

HOWS LIFE LILY???? HOWS SCHOOL???? WHICH YEAR OF MED ARE YOU IN NOW???? - okay too many caps locks, anyways-

idk if you celebrate but how was good friday and easter? did you have fun? how was your weekend? have you been busy at the hospital a lot? HAVE YOU DRUNK WATER TODAY POOKIE 👹👹

any gossip around you we (or i) should know about? dame im starting my 3rd year in a bit and im STRESSED. med school is tough man 😭😭

ive been so fucking busy, i didnt even know there was a follow to incheon the past weekend 😭

OH AND OMG I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS

remember the two girls and their boyfriends (from my uni) i told you about some time ago? the one where the boyfriends grab hold of the other girl instead of their girlfriends? IT HAS FUCKING ESCALATED

apparantly - im renaming them as olivia (ex boyfriend justin) and jane (ex boyfriend mathew) - olivia and justin were "engaged" since they were younger?? its like a tradition of sorts in their caste to betroth the girl to someone once they start menstruating. so like olivia got betrothed to justin when she was like 14? i think. justin did like olivia A LOT like he was booktok smitten in love with her. and then like when the two of them started university with like a bunch of other people, justin met jane in his freshman orientation. they sat beside each other and they hit off.

jane met mathew in one of her classes and it seemed like she shared multiple of her classes with mathew so they kept on talking and then eventually got into a relationship. and then mathew saw olivia in the garden once and found her "pretty" and started making conversations with her (mind you mathew was already well into the relationship with jane) and so they started conversing and now olivia starts gaining feelings for the guy and becomes confused because "how can i have feelings for two people at once?" so this went on for like a good year. olivia and justin being in a relationship with jane and mathew are in a relationship. all while jane and justin were hanging around each other a lot and olivia would still be very fucking confused about her feelings because of the CONSTANT FLIRTING from mathew.

and then second term of sophomore started (post winter break), sophomores were planning to get drunk somewhere and olivia didnt want to go. shes not really big on alcohol and parties. jane, justin and mathew went (all of them went separately). fast forward to i think a few hours later, all three of them are piss drunk and someone spikes their drinks. jane and justin go to one of the private rooms to have sex and mathew continues getting piss drunk. drunk mathew misses olivia so he goes to her dorm, she lets him in, he has a bit of water, they have sex.

i dont think i mentioned something.

olivia doesnt know mathew is in a relationship with someone.

mathew doesnt know olivia is in a relationship with someone.

jane doesnt know justin is in a relationship with someone.

justin doesnt know jane is in a relationship with someone.

olivia is entirely SOBER when she lets mathew have sex with her.

this going behind each others back goes on for months until the fist fight thingy that happened.

and then, olivia and justin go home from uni on a break and yk how word spreads FAST right? their parents already knew about their infidelity before they even reached home. the engagement is called off. olivia is transferring to another uni in a different continent entirely. justin still goes to my uni. about jane and mathew? no one knows where they vanished actually. like they're no where to be found after the fist fight fiasco.

thenkiu for reading my tedtalk lily 🤓

~ rai 😘

RAIIIIII hello babe i am so sorry i took forever to answer this 😭😭😭😭 i had to dig in and pull out my actual computer to dissect this TEA…

im good!!! im starting my third year at the end of the month :) just waiting for the results of my big test to come in bc that will determine whether or not i get to start 😬 we’ve been studying for this exam for quite some time so no gossip or hospital stories to share :(( literally my life has been waking up studying and then going to sleep. but i just came back from a trip to nyc which was super fun !

and yes i did celebrate easter w my family!!! we did a seafood boil which was SOO good! what did you do?

ok ok after reading the drama update i am SEATED. first i know there r cultural reasons for getting betrothed / engaged etc so early but i think this is just confirmation that No One was ready 😭😭 honestly it breaks my heart bc it sounds like there were really Real feelings involved in all of this but the fact that no one could keep their hands to themselves 😬 Telling! plus the like 0 communication KILLS ME!!! please don’t stay together then!!!! also i’m side eyeing mathew bc he sounds selfish and from what i understand initiated a lot of the drama???? idk but transferring schools and disappearing is CRAZY too…… sheesh

i had a similar situation happen to my friends in high school where friend A had been on/off dating boy A for years and years (on/off bc her parents didn’t approve). her best friend B had been crushing on boy B for years but didn’t move in on it bc she was scared he didn’t reciprocate. so friend A and boy A are on a break and allegedly friend A invites boy B to her place and they sleep together. friend B finds out and to retaliate sleeps with boy A at her bday party. then they both mutually blocked each other after not saying a WORD abt it to each other & just hearing ab things thru word of mouth. crazy how people can just turn on each other like that

drama ASIDE. how are you?? i know you’re busy but is it a good busy??? i hope you have time to enjoy urself!!

[jamesbuchananxsteviegrant]

I Pick the TV Show, Rogers Shuts His Cake-Hole | Bucky x Steve x Reader (Angst, Fluff)

Category: Angst, Fluff (Suggested) Age: 14+ Trigger Warnings: none, other than the standard explicit language Ship: Bucky x Steve x Reader Summary: Steve Snaps At Reader When He’s Stressed, Resulting In Her Being Very Upset Request: "can u write where steve/bucky is overwhelmed with something and when reader asks to help or is telling them to relax they snap at reader and reader is hurt which makes them feel really bad afterwards. thank you sm. i love ur writings. and this is anon right? is it alright if u dont post my response if its not anon? im sorry. thank you so much. ur blog always pictures great stucky imagines. 💗💗💗" Contains Spoilers for: N/A Word Count: 2,488

---

A given, the super-soldier had been on nonstop missions for the last month or so, but she thought she was helping him feel better, not making him feel worse.

“Would you like anything to eat, Stevie? You’ve barely moved all day.” (Y/N)’s voice is small. Quiet.

She’s leaning through the door of his study where he’s sat putting together his mission reports from the last three or four missions he’s been out on.

He shakes his head but doesn’t even turn to look at her.

Sighing, the woman walks further into the room where her boyfriend is slouched over the desk.

“You gotta take a break, Stevie.” She whispers, resting her hands on his shoulders.

She notices the way they tense up, but he still remains silent.

His fingers continue to write up his report on the laptop.

“I’m worried about you, Stevie; talk to me.”

“I’m busy, (Y/N).”

“I know you are, baby, but you’ve gotta look after yourself too.” She attempts, leaning down to press a kiss to his cheek. He pulls away.

The woman furrows her brows.

“Steve, please, you’ve got to-”

“(Y/N), just stop!”

The shout is sudden and it makes her flinch back away from the man as he turns to face her.

“I’m fine, alright?! I don’t need you babying me all the time!”

She doesn’t respond for a second, surprised at her lover’s outburst.

He says nothing more, simply turns back to the laptop and continues typing away.

“Steve, look how stressed you are. Can you please just-”

“STOP! Okay?! Just stop! Leave me the fuck alone while I finish these neverending mission reports. For once in your life can you just understand that not everything is about you?!”

(Y/N) swears that being shot in the heart wouldn’t hurt half as much as the words that just came out of the man’s mouth.

Her mouth opens and closes as if searching for the right words to say, but that hurt.

Is she really that bad? Is that the truth behind all of this? That she’s clingy? Thinks everything is about her? That was never her intention. (Y/N) is well aware of how important being an Avenger is. Hell, she is an Avenger, for Christ’s sakes.

She says nothing more and leaves the room.

She can’t even decide if she feels sad. No. She’s not sad, she’s not angry, she’s not… anything.

Numb.

Naturally, her feet lead her to their room. Steve’s room. They all basically share the super soldier’s abode since they all got together, but right now she doesn’t dare open the door.

Doing a full one-eighty spin, (Y/N) takes herself back to a place she barely touches anymore. Her room.

It’s pretty empty. Most of her clothes are in Steve’s room, in her own walk-in wardrobe. Her bed is perfectly made from the last time she slept in here - maybe a year ago?

The woman walks around her bed and straight onto her bedroom balcony, overlooking the lake at the back of the compound, and stays there. For three-hours. Until Bucky comes looking for her.

He came home from his mission about thirty-minutes ago only to find their shared room of Steve’s empty. He searched just about everywhere, completely clueless.

“FRIDAY, where’s (Y/N) and Steve?” He finally gives in.

“Captain Rogers is in study five, and Agent (L/N) is in her private quarters.”

Now that makes the brunet furrow his brows.

Why would (Y/N) be in her room and not his or Steve’s?

He prioritises finding (Y/N) first, knowing Steve will be writing up mission reports, no doubt.

Despite them being together for over six-years now, he hesitates when reaching for the handle of her bedroom door. Instead, the man opts to knock.

No answer.

“(Y/N)?” Nothing. “Doll, it’s me; can I come in?” Nothing.

Bucky tries the door handle and finds it unlocked, yet still hesitates.

“Baby?” He calls out. Again, nothing.

He’s cautious now. Scared.

Her room looks as untouched as the last time he saw it, which was a few months back when she was after one of her plushies.

“(Y/N)?”

It’s when he feels the chill of the midnight winds ruffle his hair that he realises her balcony doors aren’t fully closed.

Striding straight over, his eyes widen at the sight of his girlfriend curled up in the corner of the outdoor area, crying.

“(Y/N), baby, hey, what’s wrong?!”

Bucky immediately drops to his knees in front of the woman, reaching for her hands and gently tugging them away from her tear-stained face.

“(Y/N), doll, look at me.” His voice is gentle. Soothing.

She does almost instantly but her sadness stays.

“What happened, baby? Are you hurt?”

The fear and sincerity in his voice is enough to prompt the woman to shake her head. Yes, she’s hurting emotionally, but he needs confirmation that she’s not dying.

The woman immediately sees the relief take over his features, but he’s still concerned.

“What’s wrong, doll?”

Her eyes stray away from his, not wanting to tell him what’s got her so upset.

“Hey, no, look at me, baby,” He whispers, hand lightly grasping at her chin to raise her face back up to his. “What’s got you so worked up, (Y/N)?”

Another shake of her head as she tries to escape her lover’s hold.

“Baby, please, you’re scaring me.”

Her face contorts into something close to heartbreak as she wants nothing more than to reassure the man in front of her.

“It’s okay, Buck.”

“It’s not okay! Doll, I haven’t seen you cry since Stevie nearly died on that mission in Ohio like two-years-ago! Talk to me.”

She takes a deep breath and wipes her face of the shedding tears.

“Do you want me to get Stevie?”

The question is innocent and makes sense, but her eyes widen and she shakes her head desperately.

“No! No, please, no.”

That truly makes the super soldier concerned.

“Doll, please can you tell me what’s happened?”

Never in the last eight-years that Bucky and (Y/N) have known each other has she been so reluctant to see Steve.

Another sob escapes her and it’s breaking his heart.

“Baby, please.”

“Steve got mad at me, alright?!” She manages an attempted shout. “I just wanted him to look after himself.”

“What happened? What did Steve do?”

He’s concerned. Massively.

“I was trying to get him to eat; he hasn’t eaten properly in so long. He’s so overworked and he’s hung up on all these mission reports. He told me that not everything was about me - shouted at me; told me to stop.” She’s whimpering and sniffling again now. “Please get him to eat something, James.”

That last sentence is the one that crushes him. She’s upset, yeah, but above all that, she’s still worried about the blond super soldier.

“Come on, baby, let’s go to our room and get into bed, yeah? I’ll go and speak to Stevie.”

Her eyes meet his and she looks scared, but the ocean blue gaze that he returns makes her bound to his every command.

The woman nods.

“Okay.”

“That’s my girl.”

With the help of the Winter Soldier, (Y/N) manages to stand up, letting him lead her out of her private room and into their shared one of Steve’s.

“Here, let’s get you into your PJs, yeah?”

He doesn’t leave room for negotiation as he helps his girlfriend strip out of her casual dress and into one of his oversized t-shirts.

“You get snuggled up in bed, doll. I’m going to go and get Stevie, okay?”

He hates how she looks nervous at the mention of their other lover’s name.

“He loves you more than words can describe, baby girl, I promise you. He shouldn’t have lashed out at you, I’m gonna talk to him, okay?”

A hesitant nod and forced smile is enough for now.

“I’ll be back shortly, I promise.” He leans over and gives the woman a kiss on the lips, leaving her with one of her favourite shows playing on the TV.

“Bucky,” Her choked up voice calls out just before he leaves.

The man turns from his place in the doorway.

“I love you.”

The smile that takes over his expression is contagious.

“I love you too, baby girl. More than anything.”

Despite his reassurance to the woman, he’s pretty damn pissed for a number of reasons about Steve losing his cool with their girl. Reason number one being, how dare he? Reason number two being, he knows better than to overwork, yet here we are.

Bucky doesn’t even knock once he approaches the glass doors of the study where Steve is sat typing away on the laptop.

The blond doesn’t even glance up to see who entered. He barely heard the door open which enrages Bucky further.

The brunet slams the lid of the laptop shut without saying a word, prompting Steve’s head to shoot up, glaring daggers at whoever has interrupted him.

“What the fuck, James?!”

That makes Bucky really get annoyed.

“Are you serious right now, Rogers?”

“I’m in the middle of about seven different mission reports, Buck, I’ve gotta finish them.” The man sighs, going to open the lid of the PC once more, only for Bucky to hold it down. “James, seriously,”

“No. What you need to do is explain to me why our girlfriend has been crying for the last God-knows how many hours?”

That makes Steve snap back to reality.

“What? (Y/N) has been crying? Is she okay?”

Bucky literally rolls his eyes at that.

“Are you fucking serious, Steve?” He repeats, Steve looking confused, expression contorting as he realises that his boyfriend is seriously angry at him.

“Bucky, what’s wrong? What’s happened?”

The Winter Soldier’s head lolls back as he groans in frustration.

“You seriously have no idea?” He asks, rhetorically, watching Steve look almost scared. “Do you often shout at your girlfriend and forget it happened?”

Cap’s eyes widen at that, and he visibly gulps.

“What?”

“She came in here to make sure you were looking after yourself, which you weren’t, by the way, and you tell her that not everything is about her?! Are you fucking stupid, Steve?!”

He remembers it all too well in that moment, turning his head down to avoid the frustrated glare of his male lover.

“No. No, you don’t get to look away from me. Look at me.” Bucky demands, watching the blond super soldier reluctantly do so. “I come home from my own exhausting mission, search for (Y/N) for thirty-minutes, and find her crying her God-damn heart out on the balcony of HER room; not our room, Steve, no. Her room.”

Steve’s heart shatters and his eyes widen once more.

(Y/N) hates staying in her room. She’d always be in his or Bucky’s without a doubt.

“I- Buck-”

Bucky shakes his head and stands back upright as Steve is lost for words.

“I’m not mad at you, Steve. I get it, you know? You’ve been overworking for the last month, I know you’re stressed, but fuck, baby, you can’t hurt her like that. Do you know how much my heart fucking shattered when I saw her curled up in the corner of her own God-damn balcony?! It tore me apart. She hasn’t cried since you nearly fuckin-” Bucky chokes on his own word as he walks away from his lover.

“I’m sorry! Buck, I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have let Fury send me on that many missions, I- I should’ve said no. I’m sorry.” Steve attempts, standing up and following the brunet, turning him around to face him once more.

“It’s not me you need to be apologising to, Stevie.”

Captain America nods and leans up to press a kiss to the man’s lips.

“I’m sorry, James.”

Bucky takes a deep breath and forces a smile.

“I forgive you. Of course I forgive you, I know you didn’t mean it, but I swear to God, if you hurt her again…”

Steve is already shaking his head.

“I wouldn’t dream of either of you getting hurt. Where is she?”

“Our room.”

He nods and begins heading toward the woman to which he owes more than he can give.

The door is half ajar when Steve gets there, he slowly opens it to reveal his girlfriend in all her glory, curled up under their Captain America themed duvet - which Sam bought the trio as a joke last Christmas. Her face is clear-as-day red from her earlier upset, and it breaks his heart.

The man knocks gently on the day as if not to startle the poor girl.

“Hey, sweetheart.” He offers a solemn smile when she turns to see who’s there.

He hates the way he can see her hesitation to speak to him as opposed to her usual squeal of his name, arms opening wide to welcome him into her cuddle-fest.

“Hi.” She manages, forcing her own smile.

There’s silence floating between them, the only sound being Jensen Ackles, in his role of Dean Winchester, talking a load of nonsense about pie on the TV that’s streaming Supernatural.

“Baby, I’m so sorry.” Steve manages, taking a step toward the bed. “Nothing can excuse the way I yelled at you, and I’m so sorry for that, but, sweetheart, trust me when I say I didn’t mean it. I was so stupidly stressed, and I should never have let it get to that point.”

She nods, truly believing his words, but it still hurt.

The blond sits down on the edge of the bed, not daring to cuddle his girlfriend until she’s comfortable.

“I love you so much, (Y/N) (L/N).”

A bigger smile taints her lips at that.

“I love you too, Steven.” Her voice is barely a whisper but he hears it clear as day.

“Can I hold you?”

(Y/N) smiles and shakes her head as if he was being silly.

“You never need to ask permission for that, Stevie. No matter what.”

With another sad smile, he pulls the woman into his arms and holds her tighter than ever before.

“I’m so sorry, my love.”

“I forgive you, but no more missions for a while.” She whispers.

“Yes, boss.”

Bucky’s leaning against the doorframe, watching the interaction. He took a detour to Tony’s office and made sure to give the billionaire a piece of his mind about making sure Fury didn’t have Steve on any missions for a long time.

“Is this the last episode?” The brunet speaks up, stripping himself of his clothes as he enters their room properly.

“Yeah.” (Y/N) nods.

“I still think we should watch Vampire Diaries instead.” Steve chuckles, mirroring Bucky’s actions.

“I pick the TV show, Rogers shuts his cake-hole.” (Y/N) teases, mocking a line from Supernatural and snuggling herself in the middle of the bed, sandwiched between the two super soldiers - where she belongs. “I love you both.”

“Love you too, sweetheart.”

“Love you always, doll.”

TAGS

Everything Tag List: @nosoulnoproblems | @rileyloves5  | @girl-who-loves-mythology | @avngrsinitiative | @lookinsidemyhead |@xbabykookiix | @myspectacularfantasies | @fanfic-anyone | @rororo06 | @queenofbuskers | @vapingisntmything | @tony-stank3 | @hermione-grangers-wife | @lili-ann-love | @the-omni-princess | @tayahs-blog | @regulus-black | @saturnsteverogers| @fyfiexo | @amazingiam00 | @deviltownn | @buckybarneses | @fafulous | roryshitposts | trynnabemultifandom | @moodboreddd | @hopingforbarnes | @an-adventureland | justassaneasiam-ll | @profoundllamanickeleggs | @xbongox | @minetticatinwonderland | @thinkaboutmara | @xxaestheticboyxx | @sparklycollectionofoldmemes | @wandaneedstherapy | @georgiadixon | @nerdy-thespian-10 | @nsb-supertrio | @thinkaboutmara | @captainamerica-is-bae | @spookyparadisesheep | @supernaturallover2002 | @notsochillnerd | @peggycarter-steverogers | @reann-shitposting | @buckybarnesplumwhore | @mrsstevenbuchananstark | @ynscrazylife | @jessromanoff | @holsj2411 |

Stucky x Reader Only Tag List: polarbearnamedpanda | @marvelous-glims

SFW Only Tag List: @piper-koko-barnes-rogers

[words-for-holland]

Cuddles for a Cure

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: Tom notices how off Y/N’s been lately. Lucky for him he’s got the cure.

A/N: Its been awhile! Enjoy all the fluffiness! Christmas Admirers is still in the works, but its coming I promise!!!

“Mate, is everything okay with Y/N?” Harry whispered to his older brother, who was also watching the poor girl, pack her work away without a word. “She looks cross.”

“I dont blame her. She worked 14 hours straight today and worked late last night. The exhaustion must be getting to her.” Tom’s eyes didnt move from Y/N as she slowly came to meet then in the kitchen where they waited to have dinner with her.

“Oh.” She said softly with a slight frown on her face. “You guys didnt have to wait for me to eat.”

“And let you eat alone? No way!” Tom said to which Harry nodded in agreement. “You’ve been sitting in solitude all day. You need the company.”

Y/N simply smiled as she took her seat and the three ate engaging in small conversation. A few laughs were shared here and there, but Y/N was being a tough nut to crack. Her mind, staring blankly into space as she thought about all the things that were bothering her. Work was exhausting, her stomach cramps were being a complete pain in the ass, and she just felt annoyed with everything.

“Hey.” Tom called out sweetly as he gently caressed the side of her face. He looked deep into her eyes, saddened by her expression. “Are you okay, darling? Is something bothering you?”

“No, just tired I think.” She murmured. “Its been a long day.”

“I know baby. Go upstairs and rest after you’re done eating. Harry and I will take care of the dishes and wash up.” He smiles, leaving as kiss on her forehead. “Ill be up there soon.”

As Y/N left, Harry, who was silently watching the interaction, took a bite of his food smirking at his older brother.

“What?” Tom questioned with unamusement.

“Im a bit tired too, Tommy.” Harry replied in his baby voice. “Will you take care of my dishes while I go up and rest?”

“Piss off Harry.” Tom chuckles as he grabs the dishes. “Seriously I wonder what’s bothering her? She usually isnt like this even on bad days.”

“I dont know mate. Maybe its her time of month or something.”

Harry had a point to make it a logical explanation for her sour mood. Tom quickly went to grab some chocolate, a heating bag, and some medication just in case. If it was Y/N’s period, he wanted to be prepared. It’s a good think his mum always nagged him about these things since he started dating Y/N.

“You might be right. Im gonna check on her. Thanks mate.” Tom said rather quickly as he rushed up the stairs.

“Oi wait what about the bloody dish— Whipped.” Harry shook his head as he went to help clean up the dinner mess.

Tom made his way to Y/N, opening the door to see her frowning as she stared at her phone. “Stupid. Stupid.” She grumbles, completely focused on her screen.

“Thought you wanted to sleep.” He chuckles lightly.

Y/N turned around to face him with a slight smile. “Forgot I cant sleep without you.”

Even when she was on her bad days, Y/N never failed to make Tom feel fuzzy inside. “You’re adorable. How...How are you feeling?”

“Still meh. I think I might be on my period, but it’s weird because the symptoms never really affect me. Now, it’s just so bad.”

Tom frowns at her discomfort for a moment, but smiles as he shows Y/N all the stuff that he got. “I had a feeling you were...well Harry did but I brought all the stuff.” He laughed.

“I see that.” She laughs with him, as he sets up everything. Tom takes off his shirt, and gets into bed with Y/N, who cuddles herself into his chest. She takes a deep breath, intaking his scent and nuzzles her head into his neck “Feeling better already.” She whispers. It was true. All the pain, exhaustion, and anxiety Y/N felt just seemed to stop for a moment. There truly was nothing better than being in his arms. He was like a barrier that prevented all the bad things from coming between them.

“Im glad, darling. Just rest. I love you.” He whispers back.

The next morning, Harry and Tom had set up breakfast in time as Y/N headed downstairs.

“Looks like Sleeping Beauty is awake.” Harry comments as he places Y/N’s favorite stack of pancakes on the table. “Feeling better?”

Y/N nodded, as she took a bite. “Thank you guys. You’re all amazing you know that? Im so lucky to have you guys in my life.” She blurted out, almost feeling tears well up from how grateful she was feeling.

“Oh darling don’t cry.” Tom cooed as he rubbed her back.

“No. No. Im okay. Im cool.” Y/N laughs as she takes a moment to calm down. “But I am starving. Damn, these pancakes are so good.” She shoved another one in her mouth as she continued to eat and eat.

“Wow, you werent kidding.” Harry chuckles. “Mood swings and being famished...are you sure youre not pregnant.”

“Ha..Ha. Very funny Harry. Clearly im not because aunty flow came.” Y/N rolls her eyes as she continues eating . “Think the symptoms are just bad this month.”

“Damn, I was really hoping you would be.” Tom said half-jokingly. While he knows both of them arent ready to raise a child yet in this hectic situation, the idea of having one with Y/N just made it all worth it.

“Put a ring on it first and then maybe we can talk.” Y/N laughs.

“Oh believe me. I plan too.”

[diobrando]

Idk how to do a read more on mobile anymore lol but uhhh idk keep scrolling since this is about my dogs

So I've got 2 senior German Shepards and their lifespan is between 10-14 years and ofc less if theyre boys (which they are) and one of my dogs is already 14 (if im remembering correctly and we got him for my uncle back in 2008) and the other dog we have no real way of knowing his age bc he was a stray that my brother forced me to take care of... it was a whole thing bc the dog wouldn't leave bc my brother kept giving him food and water and there's this ledge at the back of our property that had tons of vines and other plants ANYWAYS the point is that he would sleep there during the day and animal control never saw him when they spent 2 weeks in our neighborhood collecting the strays which my brother took as a sign to just transition the dog from there into our actually property and it was very annoying because we already had the dog my uncle no longer wanted (he originally said he'd take the dog bc his daughters agreed to help but they never did so the dog was very underweight by the time we moved into our house and my uncle saw how healthy he looked when they went to el Salvador for a month and we took him in so thats how ownership was transferred lol) but anyways I spent the first year pissed bc this dog was bigger than our first dog and he would steal his food, attack him, and ofc the cleanup was so hard bc we still hadn't covered up the dirt patches and they'd both make crazy messes... they get along fine now like they def love each other and I love them both since we've had them for so long now but they're so old... champion has his off days where he won't eat and he'll sometimes have accidents in my room (he doesn't get in trouble I know its not on purpose) and he has trouble with the steps out front and even falls into the gap between the fence :/ he's my 14 year old and he also has advanced arthritis so I try to be extra gentle and accommodating with him by buying him comfy beds and taking things extra slow and helping him get up (when possible bc I never know if he's going to bite me for it and I dont mind if he bites my hand but in some positions I just dont want to risk him feeling uncomfortable and lashing out and getting my neck or face bc god knows that would hurt a lot since both my dogs have strong bites) geez ok and ny other dog I estimate is btwn 11-13 hes so aggressive and territorial which is a major problem. He is not really allowed off the property bc I cant control him or hold him back if he lashes out (and I have been on the receiving one of his soft bites and let me tell you those things hurt so fuxking bad and it wasn't even that serious like yeah it tore the skin and I bled but it was just the surface and it was so funny bc he immediately knew he fucked up and went slack) but yeah he also has arthritis and its not as bad as my older dog but it will most likely get worse and he also has a weird growth on his chest between his 2 front paws and its like.... im already spending my money on their dog food (I wanna say roughly $60 a bag and $30 for a few packs of chicken or champion won't eat at all and this is every month) and I told my brother to consider what he wants to do with shaggy bc he is old and its most likely a tumor and idk if its gonna be worth it to spend thousands esp for him when he's the only one in his household that works and he has to support his wife, 2 kids, and the animals they have (yes my brother moved out and left me with that beast of a dog and he NEVER comes to visit them anyways so why put up a front like youre concerned... this is just like the new years eve incident when my dog ate a huge block of rat poison and I saw him finishing it and i had to immediately induce vomiting and then when he said he'd go to the vet with me he wanted me to wait 2 hours like ????? HELLO? HE ATE POISON!!! and then I had to spend the night at the ER bc my brother and mom had a stupid fight and she tried to kill herself)

so idk if it would be the right move to put them down soon or to let them die at home (probably in my room bc that is where champion spends most of his time when someone is at home) and it doesn't even matter which dog dies first (naturally it'll probably be champion) the other dog is going to be so depressed

[astaroth1357]

Eh, nobody tagged me in this game, but I saw @danieyells did it and thought it was thoroughly cute so I’ll do a little more sharing for a change (take a few steps out of my comfort zone of relative anonymity, you know?)

1. Who is your favorite brother? Depends on the day. Good days: Beel. Bad days: Levi. All days: Mammon. (Yes that still somehow doesn’t make him sole favorite)

2. Who are your top 3 favorite brothers? Mammon, Beel, Levi. Easy-peasy.

3. Who is your favorite undateable? Barbatos actually. Since we know practically jackshit about him I’ve made an idealized version of him in my head and let me tell ya, he’s great!

4. What is your most powerful card? Idol Beel (First Beel card the game ever gave me. Took two months and I’ve been milking it ever since...)

5. What is your favorite card? Uhhh... Based solely on art, I’d say it’s a three-way between Belphie’s Our Summer Festival (my icon art) for its eye-catching colors, Levi’s The Battle Between Demons because its utterly adorkable, and Satan’s de-flowered I’ll Protect You because he looks like he’s ready to steamroll a small nation.

6. Who is your favorite artist who draws obey me fanart? Is YES a valid answer? I’m an art whore... I tend to really like what @Pon.ee does, their style is wonderfully slick, energetic, and fun!

7. Who is your favorite writer in the fandom? @obae-me (@marajordyn)​ still holds a well-deserved death grip on my top spot. I honestly can only read so much of her work in one sitting because it legit inspires me so much I’ll be bouncing off the walls with creativity for hours (and annoy all my loved ones in the process). I couldn’t recommend her work more. READ IT.

8. What was your favorite event? Lamp/1001 Devildom Nights. It’s almost purely a matter of personal preference. I adore things inspired by or based off of the Arabian Nights... (Magi is my semi-guilty pleasure anime for that very reason)

9. Are you struggling with new lessons? The Main Story? No. The Hard mode? Hella yeah. I’ve just given up making progress there for a while so I can conserve resources.

10. What is your favorite obey me! theory? The one I came up with a while ago that concludes that either Levi’s skin or his demon clothes must indestructible. Or that Diavolo is an unwitting puppet ruler and Barbs has been secretly running things the whole time. Either of those.

11. What your favorite devilgram story you’ve unlocked?

(1) The Queen of Jealousy for Beel is a favorite (I didn’t even think there was a jealous Beel before then)

(2) Belphie’s Shelter from the Rain (Belphie being cute is my eternal kryptonite)

(3) Levi’s Under the Sea (Fun fact: I get anxious in deep water, the ocean especially, but my mind has long since accepted that Levi=Safety as far water is concerned. Game, you cannot convince me otherwise.)

(4) Presents for Lucifer/Quality Time for For Two (I’ve mentioned before that Lucifer and I have the same birthday, so the stuff around his birthday event kind of hits me different, you know?)

And honorable mention Romance Royale if only for the bait and switch ending (is it weird that I’d be totally into having a prince/maid dynamic with Levi, Satan, and Belph? Probably not, but it surprised me.)

12. Which brother do you have the most SSR and URs cards of? Apparently I have 14 Mammons... Lucifer makes a close second (though I don’t really use him) and Beel is in third. If there were a trade system I’d be auctioning my Lucifer’s for more Levi’s (which would probably piss him off).

13. What level are you currently? 183

14. Have you been able to deflower any cards yet? Yes, yes I have.

15. What is your total strength? 5250924

16. What is the total strength of the person at the top of your friend list? 7207926

17. Out of your friend list, what are you ranked at for total strength? Example: 12 out of 24. 9/99

18. Which brother do you currently have on your home screen? Yukata Levi (it pairs well with his background)

19. What is your icon on your student I.D? Levi’s Pieces of the Puzzle

20. What does your about me on your student I.D say? Ride or Die, Mammie

Since this is a tag game, and I’m genuinely curious about y’all (I got practically no one to talk to about this game back home so throw me some scraps...!!), I’ll go ahead and tag @ghostcomit, @buntycake, @yuki-kaminari, @marajordyn, @life-is-a-soup-and-im-a-fork, and @minami--chan. If anyone else wants to chime in, go right on ahead! (I did and like hell am I going to be a hypocrite)

[queenofallwitches]

an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Rose Coloured Glasses - Part 14

A/N - OMG its been a while.... again!! Im so sorry i promise i’ll try to update quicker. 💕💕

Having no work meant i had no reason to wake up early....i slept in until 10am then went downstairs to grab some cereal and a cup of tea which i took out into the backyard being as it was a nice day out.

Andy had text me just before 9am saying good morning, so i quickly shot a message back to him. I checked my emails and quickly scrolled through the news before deciding to go shower and start my day of doing absolutely nothing!

The day had been dragging so bad, i had already cleaned the house top to bottom and done the washing etc and it was barely lunchtime! I never thought id say this but i missed work.

It was nearing 10pm when i heard my front door being unlocked, i had a sudden rush of fear until i remembered i gave Andy my spare key.

"Hey" he said quietly as he dumped his coat on the arm chair. I looked up from where i was laying on the sofa watching some cooking show.

"Hey, how are you?"

"Tired" he scoffed before climbing onto the sofa squeezing in behind me so he could hold me close.

"How'd your meeting go with Joanna?" I asked stroking my fingers up and down his arm.

"Erghh" he moaned as he buried his face in my neck.

"That good huh?"

"Jake told us Ben had been bullying him, thats why he didn't tell anyone when he found his body. He thought he'd get the blame.... then Laurie brought up the stuff about my dad....Jacobs now pissed at me for lying to him"

"He'll get over it, he's probably just lashing out...."

"Maybe" Andy nodded "then i went to talk to Duffy, i needed to know if they were still looking into Patz.... i asked her if she could get me a copy of his file"

"She gonna help?"

"I dont think so. I thought we were friends you know? But turns out she didnt agree with me" he said sadly.

"Really? I thought you guys we're friends"

"Apparently we're just work colleagues"

"Im sorry you've had a crappy day" i turned to press a kiss to his lips and he smiled down at me.

"Its getting better now"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah"

"You eaten? I could make you something..."

"Not since lunch, but i'm good i just want to hold you" he mumbled with his head buried in my neck, a loud rumble from his stomach made us both laugh.

"Okay so maybe i'm a little hungry"

"I'll go make us something" i chuckled as i slipped from his arms and headed to the kitchen.

"You're the best, i love you" he called out making me turn to him with a smile.

"I love you too".

Over the next few weeks Andy and Laurie tried to make Jacobs home life as normal as possible. They hired him a tutor, his 2nd grade teacher who had now retired....It had kept Jacob occupied.

When he wasn't working on school work he would be in his room playing computer games.

I had been spending a lot of time at the Barber house after Andy told me he felt better with me around, i also became good friends with Laurie. We'd often make lunch and evening meals together before Andy would drive me home. He would sometime stays the night if he didnt have to be anywhere early, It was nice just to have some alone time with him.

Laurie had decided to go back to work today so i had offered to help Andy get dinner ready. We were nearly finished with everything when Andy noticed the time.

"Laurie's usually home by now, i hope her day went okay" Andy said quietly as he wiped off his hands.

"Maybe she just had a lot to catch up on, she's been away for a while"

"Yeah maybe, i'm just gonna go check on Jake. You okay here for a few minutes?"

"Im fine, go" i chuckled shaking my head. Andy pressed a quick kiss to my lips and headed upstairs to check on Jacob. After a few minutes i heard Andy come back downstairs and head out to the front porch, Jacob came into the kitchen giving me a quick smile.

"My dad said to help set the table"

"Thats great, this is nearly ready" i smiled at him, Jacob had been a bit quiet around me when we first met but he was  more comfortable around me now.

"You okay?" I asked noticing that he seemed a little moody.

"Yeah, its just my dad...."

"Oh no, what did he do?"

"Got pissed at me for playing video games online"

"He's just looking out for you Jake, he knows how all this works. What they look into, the things that can go against you. I know you probably think he's being over the top but he just wants to protect you"

"I know, it just sucks" he said sadly.

While Jacob set the table Laurie came rushing in.

"Hey mom" Jacob greeted her with a smile.

"I'll be right there" she replied before rushing upstairs. Jacob shrugged and continued to set out plates.

When Andy didn't come back inside i went looking for him, Laurie had come back downstairs looking like she had been crying... what was going on?

As i walked outback to the yard i saw Andy standing in front of the garage door.

"MURDERER ROT IN HELL" had been spray painted in huge black letters.

"Oh my god...." i gasped holding a hand over my mouth, no wonder Laurie had been upset "Jesus christ Andy....."

"Im so sick of this shit" Andy mumbled under his breath as he tried to scrub off the hateful words.

"Have you got another brush, i'll help"

"You don't have to....."

"I want to" i smiled up at him, Andy pressed a quick kiss to my lips and then went to find an extra brush. We scrubbed for what seemed like hours and we still couldn't get it off, the letters faded to a dull grey but you could still see what it said.... at least it wasn't as visible to anyone passing by on the street now though.

I reheated some dinner for me and Andy and we sat down to eat together, Jake had gone up to his room like usual and Laurie had gone up to bed to read (i think she just wanted to be alone).

"Laurie seemed like she was struggling with everything today" i said quietly to Andy taking a mouthful of my beer, he nodded slowly picking up his own beer.

"Yeah, she was told not to go back to work..... they can't risk being associated with her"

"Thats rough, that would have been a great distraction for her for a few hours"

"It would have been good for her but i get why they done it. This whole thing with Jacob hasn't just ruined his life....."

"I know" i reached over taking Andy's hand "but you're handling it great"

Andy scoffed looking at me with a smirk.

"Im a mess....."

"You're not a mess, you're strong for Laurie and Jake, you support them through all this bad shit"

"Then i fall apart when i'm with you" he scoffed.

"But thats okay, they don't need to know that and i don't mind..... i'm here for you"

"I love you"

"I love you too" i smiled before taking a another mouthful of my beer "so, what was in the file...." i pointed my bottle towards a file Andy had placed on the table.

"Duffy came through on that Patz file" he cracked a smile.

"She did?..... huh maybe you guys are friends after all".

"Maybe".

The following day Andy and Laurie were meeting with a specialist in genetic inheritance and behaviour to discuss Jacob, Joanna had suggested it was a good idea just incase they tried to use everything with Andy's father against Jake. While they were gone i stayed with Jacob at the house while his tutor came by. I was sat on the sofa watching a rerun of Friends to pass the time when my phone vibrated in my pocket. When i looked at who was calling i was surprised to see who it was.... Frank.

"Hello?" I answered quietly so i didn't disturb Jacobs lesson.

"Hey beautiful, how are you?"

"Im good... how are you?" I hated how his voice still gave me butterflies!!

"Not too great, i miss you"

"Frank....."

"I know, i know. You're with Andy now.... i... i missed my chance...."

"Frank are you wasted?" I asked catching the sound of his slurring.

"No baby of course not"

I sighed shaking my head, if he hadn't been drinking that must mean he was high.

"Look i cant talk right now...."

"Can i call you later?"

"Im not sure thats such a good idea"

"Please? i just wanna talk"

"Fine, i wont be home til after 9pm...."

"Thats fine i'll call you then"

"Okay, bye Frank" i quickly ended the call tucking my phone in my pocket, that phone call should be interesting.

Everything taglist: @jesseswartzwelder @dumblani @barnesandrogersworld @patzammit @rynabarnesrogers-reading @rainbowkisses31 @rororo06 @supernaturalwintersoldier @fairlightswiftly @hiddelstannerbarnes

Rose Coloured Glasses taglist: @readermia @princess-evans-addict @jennmurawski13 @matsumama @ex-bloodjunkie @kaithezaftig @ms-betsy-fangirl

[shadowheartssimp]

pc/shadowheart (another modern au fic help) sub 3k words.

-- x -- 1:21 am - 1 new message

Xildi groggily reaches out to her buzzing phone, only a little peeved that something so easily broke her from her trance. With a sigh she gazes at the awfully bright screen and finds herself frowning before her mind can even process. She doesn’t even get to unlock her phone before another message comes in.

1:23 am - 2 new messages

Sitting up straighter, she finally unlocks her phone.

2 messages from Shadowheart

1:21am → 

hey, are you awake

1:23am → 

youre probably trancing

With a sigh, Xildi weighs her options before realizing there’s not exactly one. Her fingers move fast as she types her reply.

1:24am ← 

I’m ‘awake’ now. What’s wrong?

1:25 am →

i didnt say anything was wrong

1:26 am →

you assumed that

Xildi rolls her eyes before looking back down to her phone.

1:27 am →

anyways

Moments pass, and the elf is torn whether or not she wants to return to her trance. She wonders how pissed Shadowheart would be if she accidentally left her on read, and decides that it’s likely not worth finding out.

1:31 am ←

Shadowheart?

1:31 am ← 

You’re making it seem like something’s wrong.

Most likely because something is wrong, but getting the half-elf to admit that is half the battle. Huffing, Xildi shuffles off the bed and begins traversing to her kitchen. Might as well get a snack if she’s about to be up all night waiting for whatever is wrong with her friend. 

Her phone buzzes as she’s prepping a light snack for herself, at least signaling that Shadowheart didn’t pass out on her. Scratch wakes as well, trotting into the kitchen and wagging his tail in hopes for a midnight snack as well.

1:38 am → 

someone from the orphanage contacted me today

1:38 am → 

i didnt want to even message you but idk

1:39 am →

unfortunately you know my past

Xildi rolls her eyes, it wasn’t her fault that Shadowheart blabbed it out when she was drinking too much wine at Wyll’s party. Either way, the story did already peak her interest and Xildi found herself approaching her couch with warm toast.

1:40 am ← 

The orphanage? I thought you told them to never contact you again.

1:41 am →

i did

1:41 am →

that’s why its bothering me

Quizzically Xildi bites on her toast.

1:42 am ←

Wait… you didn’t answer? Are you telling me they called and you let them go straight to voicemail?

1:43 am → 

and? i didnt want to be reminded of that awful place

1:44 am → 

i dont want to listen to it

1:44 am →

at least alone. im coming over

Xildi blanches. She’s coming over, now? She’s hardly well dressed for visitors, practically in her underwear and hair a mess. Not to mention that the place was in an array (not really, but in her eyes it was a pigsty that couldn’t be seen by anyone else’s eyes).

1:45 am ← 

Now?! Seriously? Couldn’t you wait until morning?

1:45 am ←

Shadowheart, my place is a mess.

1:46 am →

yes. now. 

It starts processing in her head. Shadowheart doesn’t live far, perhaps 15 minutes minimum if she takes the bus, but there aren’t any at this hour. At least she’s pretty sure there’s none.  So she’s walking, that gives her probably an extra 10 minutes. Then she’s reminded of how incredibly dangerous that is to begin with -- but it’s Shadowheart and she likely doesn’t care to begin with. She grew up in this neighborhood, this is nothing!

1:48 →

i need you

Oh. Xildi knows her cheeks are warm, because never has Shadowheart ever been so forward. A heavy breath leaves her lips as she knows she has no choice now but to let her come over and likely listen to this voice mail with her. Whatever comes afterward will be another story she’s sure.

1:50 am ←

The door’s unlocked, please be safe getting here.

1:51 am →

im fine

1:52 am →

but youre sweet to worry

Frantically Xildi shoves the now cold toast into her mouth and begins cleaning at an incredible pace. She starts with the kitchen, disturbed that she even let there be dirty dishes to begin with. A few minutes later and she’s drying her hands, curiously peaking over at her phone to see if anything else has come through. Thankfully nothing and she sets off for her bedroom.

It only takes a few more minutes to tidy up before she goes back to retrieve her phone. 

1 new message from Shadowheart

2:04 am →

bitch’zel stopped me on my way. im omw now

Xildi purses her lips, it was awfully late for Lae’zel to be out and about. Now that she thinks upon it, she does recall Astarion’s door closing roughly ten minutes or so ago. Interesting. 

2:05 am ←

Any chance there’s a bus going at this hour?

2:06 am →

already ahead of you

2:06 am → 

last bus of the night… guess im staying at your place again

2:07 am ←

Glad I cleaned my room then :/

2:07 am → 

how kind! bold of you to think id actually sleep with you though

Xildi feels her heart strings pull at that one. 

2:07 am →

well…

2:08 am →

perhaps a discussion for another night

Dropping her phone onto the bed, Xildi falls back and stares up at her ceiling. She’s already on a roller coaster of emotions, she can’t imagine what must be barreling through Shadowheart at the moment. Scratch trots into her room, whining slightly before laying on the floor by the foot of her bed. 

Her phone buzzes again and she lazily reaches across her bed to find it. She doesn’t even get a chance to look at the screen before it drops on her face with a defiant thud. Groaning she picks it off her face and squints at the bright device.

2:14 am →  

or i guess you dont want to talk about it

2:14 am ←  

I do.

2:15 am → 

😤😤 good

Xildi finds herself laughing and lowers her phone onto her chest. 

2:18 am ←

Do you have an ETA?

2:19 am →

excited to see me?

2:19 am →

bout five minutes though

Xildi decides that staring aimlessly at her ceiling is her best way to waste time, not finding energy to do much else. She knows Shadowheart arrives when the door creaks open slowly, and Scratch jumps from his spot on the floor and sprints out of the room. She can hear the light grunt from the half-elf as the dog nearly knocks her over, a fragile laugh echoing the silence as claws scratch along the wooden floor.

It thankfully doesn’t take long for Scratch to settle, Xildi notes from the sudden silence. There are light steps, from both the dog and Shadowheart as they approach her room and the elf gradually rises herself into a more approachable position. Finally their eyes meet in the dim room and she can just tell how worn Shadowheart is.

“Hey,” comes lightly from Xilid as she offers a faint smile. She figures if anything she should try to be welcoming. 

Something close to a response comes from Shadowheart who sulks into the room, dropping her backpack on the way. She practically falls face first onto the bed and lets out what Xildi assumes is a much needed breath.

Tentatively, the elf places a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

“Do you want to change first?”

“I guess.”

So it was going to be a difficult night -- morning? Xildi isn’t sure anymore. Gradually Shadowheart rises from her spot and keeps her gaze away from the elf, absolutely avoiding the pressing matter on hand. The tension stays thick as she digs through her backpack and eventually pulls some sweats out.

Pointendly looking away, Xildi focuses on the ceiling once more as Shadowheart changes. A few quiet moments pass before the mattress shifts and the half elf hesitantly lays down next to her. Now two sets of eyes focus on the white popcorn.

Shadowheart is silent for a long time -- long enough that the elf fears that she has fallen asleep. Just when she’s about to ask, she hears Shadowheart say “I don’t even know if I want to hear what they have to say.”

Xildi shifts her gaze to a troubled Shadowheart who still casts her hard stare to the ceiling. “Do you think you’d be better not knowing?”

“No,” comes first, followed shortly by “I don’t know”.

Finally dark green eyes meet Xildi, ones filled with exhaustion and definitely some fear. The elf can’t help but wonder of all the horrors her friend(?) grew up with in that orphanage. “I could always listen to it, so you don’t have to.”

“And hold it against me?”

“You know I wouldn’t do that.”

Something close to a soft smile eases its way onto Shadowheart’s face, scooting closer and resting her cheek on Xildi’s shoulder. The half-elf’s phone does a light drop on her stomach, almost as an invitation before she sighs. 

Taking the hint, the elf lifts Shadowheart’s phone and goes to unlock it. Truthfully it felt wrong to be even doing that, but she figured if she didn’t there was no way in hell Shadowheart would. A light mutter from her side tells her the passcode that she already secretly knows from another drunken night, and she quickly exits her messages before seeing something she might not meant to be. 

Hell, she shouldn’t be navigating her phone to begin with. 

Her thumb taps the phone app and she feels Shadowheart tense against her, digits gripping her arm. “We could always listen to it later.”

“No,” says Shadowheart as she glares at her own phone. “I didn’t come all this way to continue ignoring it.”

With a slow nod, Xildi continues and clicks on the voicemail tab. She’s only a little surprised to see a few from Gale and Wyll, from today even, but ignores it for the sake of seeing the number sticking out like a thumb between it all. Tentatively she glances to the woman beside her, who holds a fierce look before she taps the number to play the voicemail. 

It starts casual enough, the shuffling of papers, stating who is calling and stating that they were looking for, yes indeed, Shadowheart. To this day Xildi is shocked that they truly messed up her birth certificate that badly. Just when they’re both thinking that the call is a fluke, that they’re trying to bait her back into calling without anything, they hear: “Please call us back when you can, we believe we might have found information about your parents.”

It clicks.

Shadowheart is still, terrifyingly so.

Xildi glances from the phone in her hand, to Shadowheart who is practically cuddling her side, to her white popcorn ceiling. Even she is unsure if it’s the truth or a white lie to get back in communication with her.

“I hate them,” comes quietly from Shadowheart, who’s biting so hard on her lip that blood dares to drip. “I hate them so much.”

Xildi remains quiet, completely and utterly unsure of how to proceed with this new information. A part of her feels that she shouldn’t have just heard this voicemail. She can only imagine how Shadowheart would have handled the news alone. Poorly, if she really has to guess.

Said woman exhales loudly, her grip on Xildi’s arm tightening before gradually loosening. Her breath is fragile for a moment, teetering on the edge of likely tears -- the elf doesn’t dare to look -- before mellowing out to an extent. She shifts slightly before sitting up and crossing her legs. 

“I don’t even know if I want to meet them.”

Her voice is so fragile, unlike herself, that it takes Xildi by surprise. She’s sitting up faster than she can imagine and wastes no time placing a hand over Shadowheart’s own. The very least she can do right now is be supportive. “You don’t have to any time soon.”

Briefly the half-elf tenses from the touch. “They left me there.”

“Sometimes there’s not a choice,” says Xildi with a frown, remembering her own past all too well. She wonders if her brothers are still well even after all this time. “Even so, because of that it led to us meeting, right?”

“Look at you, trying to make this positive,” scoffs Shadowheart, but the faintest of smiles shines. Their eyes lock for a few seconds and the same butterfly feeling stirs in Xildi’s stomach. “It’s crazy how one even can change everything. That orphanage was shit, but it led me to Shar -- something to believe in.”

“Are you thinking how things might’ve been different if you grew up with them?”

Shadowheart tilts her head. “My parents? A little,” pursing her lips, she gazes intently at the wall behind Xildi. “I hate that they left me in that awful place, never once tried to get in contact with me. And now I despise that the orphanage is trying to bring me back.”

“You don’t have to go, or even call back.” With a reassuring smile, Xilid takes her hand back and runs it idly through her hair. “If you’re happy where you are, why change it?”

The half elf pauses, as if Xildi’s words struck her like a bolt of lightning. Her gaze shifts from the wall to her lips, then to her eyes. “Would you change anything?”

“Me?” A bit baffled, Xildi raises a brow before shrugging it off. “A few things here and there sure, but I suppose it’s often better to let destiny take its course.”

“You think us meeting is destiny? That’s cute.”

Xildi gives Shadowheart a look, despite it all there’s something deeper that she’s not inherently saying. It gives her an inkling that somewhere inside, she’s actually agreeing with her -- and that they should continue letting it. Her heart skips in her chest, unsure whether to take the advance before she manages a response. “Do you disagree?”

A long silence fills the air, as if Shadowheart is weighing her options carefully. What is likely only a moment or two feels like an eternity, dragging on and eating away at Xildi until finally -- finally! -- the bed shifts underneath Shadowheart’s weight and the woman is sitting next to her. Polished nails gently scratch at Xildi’s fingers before resting. “No, I don’t think so. In fact…” trailing off, Shadowheart uncharastically fails to meet Xildi’s gaze. “I think you should let it take its course, right now.”

Oh.

Mustering up all of her courage, Xildi leans forward and lifts her free hand, cupping one of Shadowheart’s cheeks. Her skin is warm and soft against her cool hands, a dull reminder of how chilly she prefers to keep her room. Her heart is pounding against her chest as she leans closer. She can see all of her eye lashes, how they begin to flutter nervously, and the dark hues of green in Shadowheart’s eyes. 

Her breath catches, perhaps the other’s too, before she sets her mind on it. Her chest practically explodes as she timidly presses her lips against Shadowheart’s, a full eruption of emotions consuming her as she suddenly gasps for air. How she frees her other hand to cup her other cheek, the need to feel incredibly close to her rising as her heart continues to pound. 

Shadowheart chuckles against her lips, the hot breath tickling her lips as she finds herself smiling. It’s not long before she goes again, parting her lips just enough to ensnare the half-elf’s lower lip. To feel how soft and full hers are against her own, the warmth that comes to her cheeks, face -- hell, her stomach too. All overwhelming but wonderful at the same time. She wasn’t aware how much she was craving this moment.

After what feels like an eternity (but definitely was a couple minutes at most), Xildi pulls herself away and shyly drops her hands to the bed. Her cheeks burn as she stares at a lopsided and completely goofy grin that stretches on Shadowheart’s face. Endearing? Absolutely.

“Perhaps… it was destiny -- us meeting that is.”

Xildi smiles. “Perhaps it was.”

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 48

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34 || CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39 || CHAPTER 40 || CHAPTER 41 || CHAPTER 42 || CHAPTER 43 || CHAPTER 44 || CHAPTER 45 || CHAPTER 46 || CHAPTER 47

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.2k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- note for this chapter: i know my last chapter didnt get many notes but the chapter is ready so why not post it you know? sex is vanilla again. thought it was cute. sue me lol. theyll have kinker sex dont worry hahaha! i would LOVE to know what you think of the characters and their reactions and stuff. so please, message me!

here are the requests for this chapter! for the instagram one, i changed it a bit because i dont think her character would want to be in the spotlight like that i hope its ok! also i had already talked about their first time and such so I added the others :)

Chapter 48 : His chapter

NIALL

"Oh my god! Look at you flirting with that woman like she's not 30 years older than you!"

I started laughing and let my head fall back slightly. My arm was on the couch's back right behind her head and I brought it closer, pulling her to me by her neck.

"Is that the tone you use when you're jealous?"

I noticed her nose raise up in a grimace but she kept staring at the tv, making me laugh even more. For some reason, Olivia wanted us to watch old One Direction interviews, pretending it would help me for the ones I had planned in the next few weeks. It didn't really help, all it did was make us laugh and I had to admit it was quite entertaining and I was pretty sure I had never watched most of them.

"It was tough watching interviews back then." she admitted, raising a shoulder. "Especially the older ones. You were such a horny kid."

I frowned slightly at her comment. I could hear a lot of pain but also a bit of blame and it bothered me. I was young, I was newly famous and not shy at all. Of course, I was a bit stupid and I tried to be funny but out of all the people in the world, I thought she'd be the last one to comment on it.

"I just enjoyed flirting." I let out, shrugging too. "I don't do that anymore."

It took her a few seconds but she turned my way, staring at my profile.

"How many times did it work?"

I frowned, still looking the old 60 minutes interview we did a few years ago playing on screen. Did I really want to have this discussion?

"What are you asking?"

I held my breath and turned to her, noticing how painful it was for her to ask me something like that. I felt my annoyance falter a bit but not leave completely.

"How many girls did you have sex with?"

We had never talked about that before. I thought about asking, especially when we started dating, but I was scared it would start shit between us. When I was younger, I didn't mention my stories mostly because I didn't want to hear hers. Now that I think about it, it was probably out of jealousy, too.

"Liv, please-"

"More than 10?"

I stared at her a few seconds and nodded a bit. I watched her lick her lips and breathe in and nervously, I felt my fingers play with the fabric of the couch. I hated this, it could only turn wrong.

"More than 20?"

I could feel myself getting angry and I closed my eyes, trying to calm down. I didn't know why I was so touchy, it was not in my nature, but perhaps the way she asked me didn't help. It was not just a casual conversation, there was clearly a reason why she asked and I suddenly regretted that we never talked about these things before.

"20 sounds about right." I just said, impatient to talk about something else.

"That's more than twice my number."

We remained silent for a few seconds and I raised my eyebrows at her.

"Am I supposed to answer something to that?" I just wondered a bit rudly. "I don't know what you expected Olivia, but clearly you're delusional. I've had a lot of opportunities it's true, and no of course I didn't jump on all of them, but you don't ask an 18 year old boy to be reasonable after being thrown into fame. I don't think you can really understand what it's like."

I shook my head and sighed louder than needed before getting up a bit roughly. I felt her fingers wrap about my wrist and stopped immediately.

"I'm sorry."

I stayed motionless, standing up with my eyes closed as her fingers pressed around my wrist more.

"I'm just scared. And insecure." she added low as i felt her fingers slip and free my hand. "I don't understand why you're dating me, Niall. You could date so many girls or just fool around with anyone you want. But you're here with me and it just makes no fucking sense to me. So when I see how things used to be for you, it scares me for the future and at the same time, it reminds me how much I cried during those years."

I sighed and slowly sat back down next to her, still not being able to look at her.

"Why did you propose we watch that then?"

From the corner of my eyes, I noticed her looking down and swallowing. I couldn't pretend I knew how she felt, not now and not back then, but I was dating her now, I had been dating her for over 9 months. The fact that she was still doubting me... doubting us, was tough to accept.

"I thought i'd be okay, I thought since you were next to me, holding my hand, that it wouldn't bother me." she explained in a low and ashamed tone. "I was wrong."

I sighed again and rubbed my eyes before getting up again. Her head shot up quickly but I just held my hand out to her. It took her a few seconds but slowly, she slid her palm against mine and I pulled on her hand, helping her get up.

"Let's go outside, okay?"

She didn't say anything, she just let me bring her outside, in the backyard. I took my socks off after letting go of her hands and sat on the side of the pool, putting my feet in the water and waited for her. It took her a few minutes but I still didn't turn to her. The night was calm and warm enough, especially for late september, and I looked down at her feet moving slowly in the water.

"At the lodge, I saw you and Harry making out naked on the side of the pool. It made me very jealous, even if I didn't really realize it back then. Not really because you two were having sex, but mostly because he had your full attention, and I was so used to have it all for myself that losing it was like a slap in the face." I admitted, licking my lips. "I'm not saying I know how you feel, Liv, or how you used to feel. I just think that holding on to that is changing you and stressing you for no reason."

"Maybe."

She didn't comment on the part about Harry and I closed my eyes.

"The first date I ever went on was with a girl from school." I added low.

"Grace, I remember."

"The whole time, all I could think about was kissing her. I didn't care about anything else. I was young, I can't even remember if I liked her, but I wanted my real first kiss and it's all that mattered." I made a pause and sighed. "Then I had girlfriends when I was a bit older, and then I joined One Direction and met other girls. And whenever I hung out with them, I was never jealous, I thought 'hey if it doesn't work then it wasn't meant to be' and that's it. I didn't expect it to last because I didn't want it to last. I had nothing to lose. I thought about sex and having fun."

I turned to her and sighed louder when I noticed tears falling down her cheeks. I moved my body her way slightly and shook my head.

"Olivia, why are you crying? I'm trying to tell you that it's different with you. I care about you. And the first thing I thought of when it came to you was not sex, it was not kissing you. It was making you happy, it was how good I felt around you. Why would you cry for that?"

"Because you seem to forget that I was there, Niall. I saw you with these girls. I cried myself to sleep because I desperately wanted to be in their shoes. My first kiss was with a guy at school who was harassing me to go out with him and when he kissed me, all I thought about was you. The first time I had sex with Rian I wished it was you. Every single decision in my love life seems to have been related to you. I'm not blaming you, it's all on me, but its still not easy for me."

My eyes roamed on her face and I watched her wipe her tears and sniff a few times before clearing her throat.

"We both need to make efforts. You can't spend all your time asking questions about my past that's gonna hurt you, you know."

"I'll work on that." she whispered. "But you're gonna have to be patient with me."

"Okay."

We remained quiet again for a while, just looking at the lights of the pool shining on the water. I knew I should reach for her hand but I wasn't sure I wanted to.

"Remember the first time we got drunk together?" she asked with a chuckle, moving her feet a bit more vigorously and making the water move around her. "You were so cute, and so damn tactile. At some point I was so close to tell you that I loved you that I got scared and hid in the bathroom for half an hour."

I smiled at the memory and chuckled.

"You were so dramatic and I didn't even know!" I let out, making her laugh too. "I don't know how you kept it inside for so long."

"Fear of losing you." she shrugged. "I just looked at you, both of us totally pissed, and I thought 'everyone wants a piece of him but he's with you right now, don't ruin this Olivia'."

"You were cute, you had that really high ponytail. I remember because whenever you'd turn around, your hair would brush against my arm and I was so drunk it made me shiver every time."

My eyes found hers and she was not smiling anymore. Her lips were parted and her eyes were glued to me. I raised my eyebrows and moved my face closer to hers.

"Yes, I remember things. Not the same things you remember, and maybe not for the same reasons, but I do remember things."

Slowly, she pressed her lips together and they curled as she kept looking at me.

"I love you, Niall."

I moved my upper body over hers, forcing her to move down on the hard cement but she didn't complain. I placed both my hands on each side of her chest to hold myself over her and bent down to kiss her.

"I love you too." i answered, moving up to a bit to look at her.

Her eyes traveled on my face until my lips and she licked hers.

"You said you'd make love to me whenever I'd want." she whispered so low i barely heard. "I really want it now."

"It's not really comfortable." I pointed out, the right corner of my lips moving up.

"Then you're gonna have to be extra gentle with me."

I nodded and sat up, immediately reaching for the hem of her sweatpants and she moved her butt up to help me. She brought her feet off the water and placed them on the ground, her knees up, and my eyes roamed between her legs as I let out a low groan. I took my shirt off and didn't even react when it fell in the pool. It made Olivia chuckle and I just moved gently over her, placing myself between her legs.

One of her hands ran on my chest as I pressed myself against her. I felt her grind up slowly against me and bent down to kiss her. I could feel myself get harder with every move of her hips, even if she was barely moving and I let my lips brush on her jaw and down her neck.

"You should keep your shirt on, I don't want your back all scratched."

I brought my mouth back on hers and I noticed her lips curling in a fond but amused smile.

"You don't want to see me completely naked?"

"Don't be silly." I chuckled again, glancing down and noticing her hard nipples through the fabric of her shirt. "I really fucking do. But you don't need to be naked to turn me on."

She smiled more and I moved down on my elbows, moving her head up gently and placing my hands under it to make sure her head wouldn't rub against the cement.

"Are you sure you want to try it here?"

She didn't say anything, she just kept looking at me as her hands moved between us. One of her palms pressed on my cock and I groaned low. She started nibbling on her bottom lip, slowly pulling my pants down and I pushed myself into her. I was surprised at how wet she already was and how easy it was for us to do this, like our bodies just seemed to fit perfectly together.

"I love you."

I bent down again, kissing her as I started thrusting in and out of her so slowly that I could feel everything incredibly well. So well that it brought sensations in me that I hadn't felt before. I felt impatient and my whole body throbbed even more than usual. It was definitely different than what I was used to but I loved it. I could really see all of her facial expressions and ended up letting out a very low curse word when her lips parted and her eyes fluttered close. I watched her as she moved her chin up and I could feel the back of her head rubbing slowly against the palm of my hands, making a mess of her hair. She looked amazing, all fucked beneath me, and it made me realize how much I loved her.

"I love you too." I whispered back. "So much."

"Just me?"

My movements faltered and her eyes opened slowly. I stared at my best friend, laying under me, and I thought of all the things we went through together and all the things we'll go through together too. I thought about our friendship that turned into love, I thought about us when we were young, I thought about everything I missed with her and everything I lived with her, and I could swear I felt my heart skip a beat.

"Yes, only you."

Her hands traveled on my back until my ass and she let out a short whimper as her thighs pressed on my side to keep me close. I could feel my elbows and the back of my hands hurt from rubbing slightly on the cement but it was really the sharp pain in one of my knees that made it worse. I tried to push it out of my thoughts to focus on her and when she arched her back and started shaking, I knew she was cumming.

"Oh god Niall... I.. I'm..."

I tried to keep my movements slow and steady but it was pure torture until I felt an orgasm reach me. I felt it coming and held my breath as my eyes closed and I groaned again as it spread inside me slower than normally. I could feel it until the tip of my fingers and in my toes and when I came down from my high, I blinked a few times.

"I'm literally seeing spots." I let out with a short laugh.

"Me too." she chuckled just as my sight was getting clear again.

I looked at her laying under me and sighed. Now that it was over, I was more aware of the pain and I grimaced. I let myself roll on my back next to her and she moved her upper body over me with a frown.

"You okay? You're not bleeding are you?"

I brought my hands up to look at them and shook my head.

"I'm sorry." she added, raising her nose up. "We should have tried on the grass. Do you need ice or something?"

"And pizza." I pointed out with an exaggerated pain expression, making her laugh.

"Alright i'll bring all that in the living room."

She was about to get up but I put my hand on her thigh to stop her, my fingers brushing gently on her skin.

"Wait." She stopped and turned to me. "These girls, they mean nothing. You need to trust me."

She sent me a sad smile and shrugged a shoulder very slowly. I was tired to fight and I was scared it would ruin things between us.

"I'll try."

                                                         ---

I was driving the first time I heard 'This Town' on the radio and she was sitting next to me. I didn't know why but I felt incredibly lucky that I was not alone, and even luckier that she was the one with me. Her face illuminated and she let out a short scream, making me smile even more. I parked on the side of the road and she threw herself in my arms awkwardly since we both still had our seat belts on and we looked at each other the whole time it played until the very end.

"This is so fucking good Niall i'm so proud of you!"

I cupped her face and brought her closer a bit roughly, crashing my mouth against her and making her laugh. She grabbed the front of my shirt and deepened the kiss slightly, making me smile through it.

"Fucking hell."

She laughed as we pulled away slightly and smiled more.

"It's a big deal. Your first solo song." she whispered. "And you worked hard for that."

We remained in the car for a while, just flabbergasted by what had happened and a bit ecstatic. I looked at her reacting almost as intensely as me and it made me realize so many things that I just leaned against my seat and sighed. Despite all the fights we had, despite my almost total absence in the past few weeks, despite the fact that we had it hard recently, she was there, she supported me, and she was happy for me.

"A few drinks tonight to celebrate, how's that?" she proposed as I started the car again. "We could invite a few friends?"

"Yea, yea good call!" I let out, glancing at her. "Hey take my phone and go on instagram!"

She frowned a bit but she was still smiling and she did what I was told before looking at me again.

"You want to add something to your story?"she asked as I nodded. "Okay, go ahead!"

"Hello lovers, so we just heard 'This Town' for the first time on the radio a few minutes ago and we went completely crazy!" I just said with a laugh, trying to focus on the road as I passed one of my hands in my hair and shook my head. "Let me just get back home and I'll do a live and answer a few questions!"

She stopped filming and played with my phone for a few seconds before looking at me again.

"That's a very good idea."

With a smile plastered on my face, I parked the car and unlocked the front door before quickly getting my laptop. She put her purse on the couch and I sat next to it right before she disappeared in the kitchen. It took me a few minutes to go live but when I finally was, my smile hadn't faltered not even for a second. I started answering questions, glancing from time to time at Olivia that remained away from the camera. I knew she didn't like to be in the spotlight and that a lot of times, I brought attention to her without meaning to, but the fact that she was still there, in the shadows, to support me, meant the world.

"I was with Liv, it's her you heard on the video." I explained, answering an other question.

I saw my girlfriend grimace when she realized everyone had heard her voice and her probably her laughter when we recorded the small video in the car and my eyes found her again, her expression making me chuckle.

"From the face she's making now, it was clearly not intentional." I pointed out, laughing again.

My eyes caught a comment that made me frown but I tried to ignore it until I saw an other one and I finally closed my eyes, breathing in.

"Okay, i'm normally not the type to give attention to bad mouthing but we're trying to have a nice time and reading shit about my girlfriend is no fun."

I could feel Olivia tense near me as my eyes roamed on the comments.

'No Niall pls stay!!!'

'Ignore them we love her! OTP!'

'Fuck whoever talks shit about her'

'They don't deserve your attention!'

I didn't add anything else but kept on answering questions about an upcoming album, more songs, the process of writing and tour. After over half an hour, I said goodbye and turned my computer off. Olivia had left and I joined her in the kitchen, wrapping my arms around her waist from behind. My lips reached her neck and I squeezed her tighter against me.

"Hey, darling." I whispered. I heard her sniff and my heart twitched. "It wasn't that mean. I promise."

I watched her fingers grip the side of the sink more and suddenly felt extremely bad. I shouldn't have commented, that way, she wouldn't know about the mean comments, but when I saw them, I didn't think, I just reacted. It was not like me but reading shit about her made me a bit impulsive and now I regretted it.

"That's what I mean when I say I don't understand why you're dating me." she murmured after swallowing hard. "No one understands why you're dating me."

"People who know nothing about you or our story don't get it, so what?" I just replied, nuzzling her nape. "Fuck them. I know why i'm dating you and i've got a shitton of good reasons."

"Don't tell me you don't doubt us, sometimes, Niall." she shook her head. "Don't tell me it never crosses you mind that you should be dating someone who's in your league. A tall, skinny, gorgeous actress, model, singer... I don't know."

She moved away from me and turned around, her back still facing me. I let my arms fall on each side of my body and sighed a bit loud before rubbing my eyes. I was trying to comfort her but it seemed like nothing i'd do would change anything.

"I'm telling you it's you, okay? I love you!" I argued, getting annoyed again. "I don't get how it's so hard to understand!"

She finally turned to me slowly and I felt a pain at heart when I saw the tears on her red cheeks. I didn't know why it was affecting her that much and I felt like i'd never understand.

"Love is not everything. Contrary to popular belief, love is not all you need." she pointed out, her arms crossed on her chest. She shook her head again and licked her lips as I stayed still, holding my breath. "I don't get why you don't understand how I feel, and I can't seem to explain it. It's useless, Niall. I'm useless."

Without waiting for an answer, she turned around and walked in the hall. I closed my eyes, trying to calm the beating of my heart. I should have ran to her and took her in my arms. I should have tried again to tell her how much she meant to me. I should have begged her to believe me and trust me. Instead, I sat on a chair and sighed loud. I felt defeated and exhausted at the same time. I just wanted us to be happy like we used to be but I didn't know how.

After a good twenty minutes of thinking, I got up and walked to our room, opening the door slowly. She was laying in bed, on her side with her knees up. I took a few steps closer only to realize she was asleep. I put my hands deep in my pockets and stared at her for a few seconds. Her lips were slightly parted and I could hear her breathe a bit louder than usual. I sighed again and found a blanket before putting it over her and bending down.

"You're so much more than you seem to believe." I murmured close to her ear. "I wish I knew how to show you. Maybe i'm the useless one."

[ceasarslegion]

i’m gonna ask about canada AND uae!!!!

1, 4, 14, 23

HELL FUCKIN YEAH LETS GOOOOO

1. favourite place in your country?

Canada: definitely Vancouver Island. We have some close family friends in Nanaimo, and every time we have visited, it has been absolutely beautiful. UVic was actually my safety school when I was applying for college, because I would not have complained about living there in the slightest

UAE: there’s this beach on the Abu Dhabi coast that stretches across this length of land/highway called Saadiyat. It’s technically walled-off and was bought by this construction company to build like,, beachfront villas, but we used to hop off the bus at the gas station at the halfway point between downtown and the Louvre satellite location, buy a bunch of firewood and junk food, and then hop the fence to get into the beach. Residents affectionately called it “Kite Beach” because it’s where all the local kite surfers ripped around 24/7, so there’d always be a ton of kites in the sky, and we would light bonfires at night, gorge ourselves on trash, listen to music and talk all night. And because the desert heat makes it fine to swim even at night, we’d do that too. It’s technically “trespassing” but its such an open secret among residents there that no one actually gives a shit. You learn what laws you can break when you’ve been there for a while.

4. favourite dish specific for your country?

Canada: heehoo beavertails. I have such a sweet tooth, it’s actually a problem. The amount of sugar I consume,,, beavertails just hit every one of my buttons

UAE: SHAWARMA!! It’s my favourite food!!! Specifically from Zehrat Lebnan or Just Kebab though, they make the best ones. Oh to walk home from school and stop to pick up 2 garlicy bois every day because they were cheap as fuck and I had pubescent teenage boy syndrome... I dont know what yall think shawarma is here but its not that

14. do you enjoy your country’s cinema and/or TV?

Canada: ...look theres a reason we have a bad cinematic reputation but we kind of went off with Clone High, Total Drama, and 6teen. the Clone High intro theme has no business being that good

UAE: I actually haven’t seen a lot of specifically Emirati films or TV. I’ve seen a LOT of Bollywood and general gulf/Egypt cinema because that’s what half the roster always is at UAE cinemas and from my time as a film journalist because part of my column was a review section for a chunk of what was to be released in the next month. I do enjoy Bollywood’s batshit plots and am still on the search for what the hell I watched in its entirely over a man’s shoulder on a plane because I was too enamored to look away and there were subtitles,,, if anyone knows a Bollywood film about an alien who falls to earth while the Hindi protagonist has a star-crossed romance with a Pakistani man during her university years in Berlin then im BEGGING you to tell me the title so I can rewatch that properly

23. which alcoholic beverage is the favoured one in your country?

Canada: what is with the obsession with beer,, I don’t understand,,, it tastes like carbonated rotten bread water that someone pissed in and the alcohol content is laughable... if youre not getting me shitfaced you should taste good and if you dont taste good you should be getting me shitfaced and beer does NEITHER!! Dad if you’re reading this I’m sorry but your favourite drink sucks and im standing by my hard liqor supremacy,, does your kingfisher taste like a fruit smoothie that will have you drooling in half an hour?? where is your god now

UAE: cocktails and red wine, usually. The country at large is dry, but restaurants, covered bars, and hotels can serve it to non-muslims. Since the culture is so hoity-toity, its emulated in drink choices.