#its getting to the point im ashamed to be a system

[wompwomf]

kids these days will want anything to be a trauma story for them

"my dad groomed me" and "im a ramcoa survivor"

and then when you ask them about it they end up describing their dad being a normal loving parent and they just left a church because the pastor was mean once (he was probably pointing out bad behavior in sunday school)

and as a survivor of grooming, i can't say anything on the ramcoa bit, its fucking disgusting how many kids will call me a groomer for wanting to be friends, or for calling them a nickname, you can be friends with people of other ages and not be romantic

and im sorry if this part specifically offends you, but 2-3 year age gap IS NOT GROOMING, grooming is 5 or more years apart when one or both is under the age of 18!! and 17 year olds, stop trying to make every adult out to be a groomer for trying to help you

ive met people who are actual groomers, and people who have been groomed, if an adult inconveniences you YOU ARE NOT BEING GROOMED, being groomed is when the intent is specifically and clearly romantic and or sexual INITIATIVE FROM SOMEONE OLDER, if you are making advances on an adult, youve been groomed or your fucked up, but that is on the adult to stop or block you!!! YOU making advances and them stopping you IS NOT GROOMING and im tired of people acting like it is!!!

stop pretending to have actual trauma from something non traumatic, when you ACTUALLY get groomed i will listen and console you, if you say your groomed i will believe you UNTIL i hear your story, if your story is just a normal encounter with someone 2 years or older and YOU interpreted it as romantic or sexual, im leaving you and your trauma at the door because I couldn't care less

here are the definitions if grooming and pedophilia, YOU ARE NOT BEING GROOMED!! if your experience does in fact fit into these definitions, i recommend getting help from a friend or a professional to get out of this problem, whether you are a pedophile, or are being victimized by one, and i sincerely hope everything gets better, my prayers are being sent to you and to a safe recovery 💜

[thebitchwitheface]

Im struggling and it doesn't help that someone I thought I could trust is talking about language and terminology I've used to describe my experience with DID/plurality and how those terms and experiences can ONLY be from a Delulu fuckin faker.

REMINDER- THERE IS NO ONE WAY TO BE A SYSTEM! We have devolved into a cesspool of hate toward people who are different from our definition of a system. Ripping them apart for things that any other trauma/mental illness community wouldn't dream of doing. Fake claiming DID/OSDD is not okay and if you believe you are a system it is best to talk to a medical professional. Symptoms and experiences of systems can also be symptoms of other mental illnesses. But even DID experts struggle with the language a lot of systems describe themselves with. Turns out the feeling of driving a car and other people can drive for you or just kick you in the back and keep you from driving the car isn't in the DSM. Diagnosis is a long and complicated process and has its issues, it is a privilege but a requirement to be taken seriously by people.

I have been diagnosed, but I'm not getting treatment. I have a regular therapist who knows and understands my experience. I don't agree with much of the mainline system community. Be yourself, be cringe, even if that is being openly Hatsune Miku about it! Use the language that works for you and don't be ashamed of who you or your fellow alters are. To be plural is to be free. Toxicity to the point of bullying someone in your server you claim is different and safe space for people and proudly talking about it online, fake claims or not, that is never ok.

Remember to keep the littles safe and your switch triggers to yourself. Keep safe and keep well.

[positivelyadhd]

ik its not ur usual positivity but THANK YOU so much for that post!!! I feel like "gifted kid burnout" really dominates the conversation and thats only one experience of many.

I was diagnosed with adhd in elementary school and was basically like. "the kid with problems" "lost cause" my entire life. one of my teachers even directly told my mom she should be ashamed of me lol. any successes were like-- "see what you just did? imagine how much more you would be capable of if you didn't have adhd." to the point where I don't even feel any sense of accomplishment for graduating college. it's just one more "failure" i avoided in other peoples eyes. (i dont personally think not graduating college is a failure at all btw, that is just Society's Message™)

this part is kinda tangential but from what i've seen a lot (ofc not all) of gifted kid burnout posts are like, if only i would have been diagnosed earlier all of this could be avoided. and maybe that's true - I understand where it's coming from at least, the frustration of feeling that something is wrong but not knowing what or having that "proof" that you're not just "lazy" etc. im not saying this isn't a valid wish or frustration but in my experience... hoooo boy.

personally being diagnosed with ADHD in the early 2000s, didn't meant you got support, it meant you were written off from the start, adults thought you had no future, you were seen as a "problem child" like it wasn't "oh you're not lazy you just have adhd!" it was "you have ADHD so you are built to be lazy and theres nothing you can do about it lol" so it didn't solve much. just created a different type of problem. im very happy to see things look to be changing though!!

I'm curious if other people had a similar experience and thank you so much for adding the 'diagnosed but not supported' part bc that is so real!!!

Absolutely this!!

My experience with diagnosis and lack of support was strange, but basically my primary (ages 4-11) school (I believe) suspected I had adhd/dyslexia and did offer some (very limited) support. But they also always told my parents they didn't think I had a learning difficulty when they asked because I was in extra programmes. I don't really think the support they did give me really helped all that much, and honestly, when I did get my diagnosis (around 12/13?) I'd spent so long thinking there was just something "wrong" with me that I feel like the lack of diagnosis was a lot more negatively impactful than not receiving support would've been.

My secondary school then managed to flip this and despite me getting my diagnosis part way through, nothing really changed either. Being told I had ADHD/Dyslexia changed me and my understanding of myself. I finally felt like things made sense and there was a reason i found things so difficult, it wasn't that there was something "wrong" with me but the system was not built for me. Although my diagnosis was early compared to some people, it felt late to me, and everything that can happen when you're undiagnosed had already set in.

I wished I'd been diagnosed earlier but honestly, I had a similar experience to you, and I don't think it would've done much. And even when I was finally diagnosed, my school also never really acknowledged my diagnosis and wouldn't put any of the accommodations that I needed in place (despite my diagnosis coming with a report which explained everything they should've been doing to support me and how they could've done it) I didn't get any accommodations for my neurodiversity until I was in uni, and I got my diagnosis in 2015 so at least for me, my experience wasn't that different to yours in the early 2000s.

When I tried to fight for the accommodations I should've been given, I was told that I would pass my exams, and so it didn't really matter, they didn't believe going through the hassle of giving me accommodations would help me (although the diagnosis report itself said otherwise.) I always felt similarly to you, I could scrape by but "imagine how much better you'd do without dyslexia/adhd" but I also had this weird "well because you're "gifted" you can get average grades, you don't need support!" message as well?

And yeah, just like you, I didn't really feel as accomplished as I should've done when I finished uni. I'm proud of myself for doing it but I do feel this weird pressure of knowing that if I didn't have adhd/dyslexia or managed it better, I would've done much better.

I apologise for rambling about myself but yeah thank you for this ask! I feel the same way, and I'm glad to hear I'm not alone in it as well.

I wish you the best dear anon <3

[anti-endo-haven]

[hey you probably know who this is ;,) feel free to not reply as an ask on your blog or talk in dms or whatever you prefer if you aren't comfortable with the topic, sorry we just. don't know where to go. you don't even have to reply we just. need to speak to someone]

TWs: System doubt, system invalidation Christianity, demons, & cult mentions.

Oh. oh. oh. oh. oh no.

sorry if our wording is jagged or doesn't make sense

despite having some minor religious trauma, we're collectively christian and have a lot of religious imagery headmates, both angels and demons, some in-between etc, sometimes we go to church. but we feel like the black sheep because stereotypical christians feel so judgemental and stuff but we're trying to be good about it because some of our friends and people we know are very kind and patient [we admitted we dated same sex a few years ago and they weren't "YOURE GOING TO HELL" etc but it was still a little awkward].

but. but. that's not the current issue. oh no. nonono. we just saw a short video how a man said he was he/they and multiple people because "we are legion." which is. demon bible stuff. legion is a demon of 6,000 or something i don't know the details. and then afterwards opening tumblr. what do we get greeted with? yes. a fuckinf post saying "Demons refer to themselves as they/them/we/us."

fuck! fuck!!!! we don't have a great relationship with christianity but now parts of our system are like "please don't let me be possessed" and others are "we're christian we can't be??" and others "we have angelic alters how would we be demonic?"

fucking. hhh.. tried to find. a DID christianity blog to vent to and ask for advice how do system christians work together?? because Google doesn't help and stuff?? instead!! great!! a rant about how christianity is a cult.

now i feel like our headspace is in a panic. our religion is invalid. we're not a real system, we're possessed. we don't know what to do or think. why can't we just be normal. why can't we just be a singlet. why do we have to be so ashamed of ourselves to the point of convincing ourselves that we're faking. now some of us are genuinely thinking we're in a fucking cult.

i want to cry so badly how do i calm us down how do i fix this why can't we ever EVER find reliable sources about DID and christianity as one? apparently they can't fucking coexist if its all like this!! hhhhhhggf...

im sorry shining if anything here offends or upsets you or if you don't know how to reply its okay [/gen] we're just. lost. very very. lost.

Okay, so, as someone that does have Christian parts even past religious trauma, you’re not possessed and you’re not faking.

It’s okay to have both angelic, demonic, and in-between alters. It’s not something anyone can harm you over, it’s perfectly okay.

You can still be Christian and be a good person. It’s not unheard of, just rare in some parts of the world or specific countries. It doesn’t mean you’re automatically bad or a black sheep. You’re not the wolf amongst the crowd. We view it as the Christians that are there for everyone are shepherds tending to their flock and protecting a family they enjoy and care for, they’re the ones that someone can go to and have support they need even without religious contexts.

The whole “we are Legion” thing strikes me as fearmongering, as well as “demons use they/them.” And it honestly depends on what you’re talking about. For us, typical “demons” are just trickster spirits or the ones that just want to do things out of boredom. Genuine “demons” are people that do genuinely horrible things.

This is an extremely hot take, especially from me, but just because a religious thing has something that can be cultish around it doesn’t make it a cult. Yes, there can be a cult disguised as that religious thing and can/will cause religious trauma, but that doesn’t make the entire religion bad (which is what we���ve learned to better heal to support friends/family that are Christian rather than just cutting them out entirely). Not every Christian person is going to be related to the disguised issues underneath. It can be hard to see that or understand and a lot of people might find it hard, but it’s also okay to just not interact with the religion but don’t bash it. Also just because people relate the religion to a cult doesn’t mean you were in one, it’s okay to be afraid of it, but don’t harm yourself by thinking that way.

The only thing I can really say is trying to take a break from social media for a little until everything is settled, this is optional. Write down all the reasons you know you aren’t fake. You’re not faking. You’re not possessed, write some positive things down about you and your alters.

It’s perfectly okay to be Christian and have DID/OSDD. A religion doesn’t define you. You’re good enough and you’ll have a place here as well as in DMs. You’re loved.

I’m a little slow on guessing people on anon, but you’ll always stay anon no matter what (even if you DM me). I don’t entirely like assuming who someone is either :)

I’m posting this as an ask for any other Christian DID/OSDD people that also want to have some reassurances regarding things like this.

You’ll always have a spot here, my friend.

[ef-1]

🚩👹❤️❌️🆘️🚨💄💋🌹🍒!

sooooOOooooOOOOooo I'm 21, my friend is engaged, this is my first experience with one of my direct friends actually going on a wedding journey or whatever the fuck you call it, until today I thought the bridzilla thing was like a myth or a joke or mayhaps a boomer thing I don't fucking know what I thought but like. what is this truly. how many times can one person say "but it's my engagement party" before it's socially acceptable to hiss at them.

It's literally so bizarre. I know this is a stressful time. I understand the urge to want everything to be perfect. I know you want the support and help of your friends but maybe? Don't? Be? A? Cunt? I've known her for years, she's always been so sweet???

She made our other friend cry bc she wanted him to pick up the wine and he replied "sure! I'll head over at 3pm (party was at 7) after lunch with my bf" "ITS MY FUCKING ENGAGEMENT, CANT YOUR LUNCH WAIT" ¿¿¿ ???

I picked up the hors d'oeuvres, she changed the order from the catering company last minute so there was an extra charge, no biggie, I paid for it, didn't mention it to her at all. Picked up her dress. I booked & paid for her hair stylist. We're the same shoe size so for a couple of weeks I went out, tried on a bunch of shoes for her and sent her photos until she found the one. Steamed her dress this morning. She's not too handy with makeup and she asked me to do her makeup, something I've done hundreds of times before to no complaints but today was"kate, you're not doing it right, I want it to look like yours" WE DONT HAVE THE SAME FUCKINF FEATURES IM NOT A FUCKING MAGICIAN. Her sister doesn't drive so a couple of weeks ago I made the 3 hour drive to her country ass town to pick her and her weird husband who would not fucking stop flirting with me up. My friend got his bf who's a photographer to photograph the party for free. I lended her my grandmother's jewellery.

Literally one thing about me is I'll never ever, ever, ever do anything for someone because I expect something in return bc I think that's a shitty way to approach life and you'll hurt yourself when people don't repay you for something they didn't ask for. So I'm not the type of person to regret doing a favour bc if I do something, I wanted to. I had no problem with doing any of the above bc I agreed to do it. I wanted to do it.

What I did not agree to is having to watch her scream at our friend for 20 minutes until he cried. Honestly this should have been enough, I'm not a timid person I should have told her to fucking cut it out and I'm ashamed I didn't.

My nervous system has been literally fucking eating itself. My leg has been completely numb for 2 weeks now. standing is fine, but I literally can't walk without a cane. It sucks. It fucking sucks because people look at you and they mean well always but they can't not look like they pity you when they do. And she'd been disgusting today. Like a genuinely horrible person. And it's her night, didn't want to ruin it so after 2 hours of formalities, when people started grinding on eachother like animals in heat and her sister's husband started eyeing me like the fucking weirdo that he is and i got my 8th "Awwwww Katherine you look beautiful, why don't you dance" of the night BECAUSE I FUCKING CANT MAYBE THIS IS A REHEARSAL FOR WHEN I GET PARALYSED FUCK OFFFFFFFF I HOPE THE SUN FALLS ON YOUR FUCKING HEAD

I went up to her and whispered "hey, I'm just going to head out, the fatigue is hitting hard and I hate when people ask me why I'm not dancing" which is something she knows. Something I've confided in her about a hundred times. When MS fucks my mobility I usually just stay at home until it boils over, she knows this. So imagine my surprise when she literally looks me in my dumb fucking eyes 🧿🧿 and says "kate are you serious? Can't you just hold on a for a couple of hours, what am I meant to do without you." girl at this point? die for all I care.

Her raggedy ass fiance, who I've advocated the dumping of a trillion times btw has the AUDACITY to chase me to the car when my flatmate comes to pick me up with "Katherine you're upsetting her" ¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽

the wildest part is, this isn't even the wedding, this is just the engagement I just realised maybe despite knowing this friend for years maybe I didn't know her at all lol anyway I looked so fucking good it wasn't even close and I'm so glad I decided not to wear the expensive dress I'd planned on wearing, and maybe this is all a sobering lesson about socially sanctioned behaviour and not swallowing your tongue when someone you love is made to cry

[bunbunbillion]

not sure if i already did this before here, but consider this a formal introduction to the transfer of my twitter media thread to tumblr. and im starting it with a really special one!!!

Tonight............. i finished Super Lesbian Animal RPG by Bobby Schroeder (@ponett / @slarpg) with my friends. I shared the experience with two who had played the game already, and another who was as blind as me.

i will say without going into at all, but if you are a gay furry (especially trans) and love stuff like sonic, or MLP:FiM, or just gay fantasy in general, go play this game. It's REALLY GOOD! going in blind was a treat. That being said, here's my thots.................. theres a LOT!!!!!

i didn't actually find out about SLARPG until i began reading the sonic archie comics a year or so back. i needed a reading order and by GOD did I find one. not to start this post about slarpg with a ramble about sonic archie, but it was genuinely such a great read, and all the stuff on Thanks, Ken Penders ( @thankskenpenders ), made it all the more enjoyable! that ASIDE it's also how i saw the author of the blog, who i realized i was following already for awhile, was making her own game! and one so shamelessly gay and furry as well! i was INSTANTLY interested...

after the game came out, it took me awhile to get around to it. it wasn't until someone very close to me got really into it that i decided i'd commit the time. it took 20 hours of gay activity, but i started it having silly fun voice acting a bunch of animals with my friends, and ended with tears in my eyes and love in my heart.

the game is written in a way that just gels perfectly with me. everything is both very casual feeling, but also genuine. it's never really ashamed of what it is, and that's all i can ask for from a game with a name like Super Lesbian Animal RPG.

The characters are easily the highlight of the game, never once feeling like simple cutouts or stereotypes. Everyone is just a delight to read. My favorites were easily Melody, Allison, and the man himself Javis. Being a gay ADHD filled bunny with a love for hitting things with sticks and hammers, Allison especially spoke to me.

The world of SLARPG is only seen through a small vertical slice, with the vastness left to your mind, which works very well in its favor. Slowly as you explore the areas your presented, you learn more and more about the world just through your own intuition. Discover the races that live on the planet, where the characters all came from to get here, the power structures put into place, how magic has effected such a modernized world. It makes you want to learn so much more, really. I found myself really interested in the vague lore we get of the supposed Gods that make up the powers of the world, which I hope can be further expanded on one day.

As a Video Game(tm), id say it does exactly what it sets out to do. I'm an RPG Girl, i love Figuring Shit Out in them. I play them headfirst and love to make strategies for silly bosses especially. SLARPG is a RPGM VX Ace game that doesn't exactly do anything CRAZY, as much as it does use its platform incredibly well. It is a SOLID RPG, it sets out to have a concise and simple battle system, with a lot of fun tools to play with. Even if I recognize all the scripts being used, how they get used always felt great. There were very few slipups in the way the game was put together when i played too, which as an RPGM dev, is always impressive to see. I think my only point of contention while playing was the random encounters getting a bit monotonous near the final stretch of the game, and the bosses being a bit too easy for my liking, but otherwise, mwah great rpg!!

one of the BIGGEST highlights, outside of the writing, is the amazing art, and i really mean it!! EVERY character has an amazingly cute character portrait, and every single sprite is so full of life! the backgrounds/tilesets tend to take the cake though, some of the best I've seen in a game like this personally. The dungeons are incredibly visually striking, and every single character design sticks in my head as memorable. MAJOR props to Javis and all his boys too. god bless those freaks.

and finally, i can talk about the writing in specific. it is... special. and i mean that in the best way i can. the story is pretty simple. Melody Amaranth and her girlfriend Allison Goleta join their friends guild to go on adventures, and are granted magic by their mage using a forbidden ritual. From there, hijinks ensue, involving a sociopathic VHS headed cipher-like individual, the worlds most jerkish butch, and a proclaimed Goddess of Magic coming for YOU!!! Despite all that though, the story to me felt focused much more on the relationship between the protagonists. Especially Melody and Allison.

I'm not sure how much I could go into specifics from memory alone, but it is... really good, what they do with the two main girls. Exploring the ways relationships blossom and mend. It's never all drama, nor is it all flowers. It's very real feeling. I connected to it a lot, in ways I never thought I could. Recently, I've been re-exploring my sexuality, what I want in romance, if I can even FEEL romance. This game helped a lot. It helped me be a lot more honest about my feelings, and let myself open up a lot more.

It wasn't just Melody and Allison either, there's multiple other great relationships in the games story. They're ALL adorable, and ALL amazingly written. We see a perfect mix of childhood love, new love, and trained love, each one shown with both strain, and triumph. As a girl who longingly read countless yuri manga and scoured plenty of garbage yuri anime as a kid desperately looking for something I could see myself in... and then this game comes along not only with that amazing representation, but two of the main characters are like VOCALLY transgender!! they don't play around SHTI!! This game is like a cup of cold, refreshing, root beer. god BLESS!!!!!

im about done rambling now though. if you got this far reading and still havent played slarp, WHATRE U WAITING FOR!!! GO KISS SOME GIRLS!!! GOD BLESS!!!!!!!

ADDENDUM: THE MUSIC FUCKS HARD AND CRAZY STYLE I ALMOST FORGOT EVEN AS THE TUNES PLAY IN MY HEAD!! THIS SHIT IS SOME REAL VGM CLASSICS OF ALL TIME

[xamaxenta]

I just need you to know that your existence is good for my mental health. Thank you for being authentically you. Thank you for posting the "ultra bonkers shit." Whenever you warn your followers about the rest of the contents of a post, it's usually followed by the kind of things I want to see most.

I was feeling ashamed of myself and my place in fandom, because of my "weird interests" that "no one wants to see" and was fighting back against it and had a bunch of normal arguments like they tell you to make in therapy and then had the thought about the fact that my favorite tag of yours is the one for the stuff you consider most taboo. My own most taboo writing has the most hits of any of my stuff on AO3.

This shit is the backbone of fandom. If I want to read your words, even when you say they are ultra bonkers, someone wants to read mine. Shame has no place here. Thank you for being a good example of that.

This is legitimately one of the kindest things anyone has ever said about me and my online presence

Thank you to you too for being authentic to yourself anon

I get it, its hard to go balls to the walls about certain content because in the year 2k23 people —overgeneralisation here and i am not singling out/targeting any age group except maybe minors who should be very careful about the content and things they consume online that may or may not be tagged (hopefully they are, sincerely tumblr remains the best social media platform for this that ive been on that has such an extensive personalised tagging system) — uh back to year 2023 and people find faults in ALOT of things and disregard the tags

I find it unfortunate that authors on AO3 get the brunt of this a ton like ayo the tags? Exist? I know we dont like thesis length tagging but they are there for a reason I think its silly authors have to put additional disclaimers in the summary/chapter notes for extra coverage just in case someone doesn’t properly process their tags, a silly necessity

At first before i started the “xam screams about (ultra) bonkers stuff” tags i was also a little ashamed and definitely nervous like will people like this? Im not entirely sure so I will do my damn best to prevent upsetting anyone, but I cant cater to everyone who decides to follow me (thank you btw why but im grateful) and the exploration of taboo topics makes me happy if that makes sense

Does liking and wanting to discuss/explore/create content around subjects like this make me or you a bad person, no because content creation esp fan content is self indulgence, fanfiction and fanart of a prexisting piece of media is self indulgence and hedonism at its finest

Its why we even have arts and entertainment culture in the first place and should you so desire to attach your heart to a special little blorbo of your choosing, a lovely precious (pathetic) meowmeow if you will, then its not uncommon to want to put them through the wringer, why idk probably psychological reasoning jargon needs to be here but i just woke up and I can’t explain this part very well bc this is a personal experience im speaking from

This got really long but I agree with all your points, angst tropes that lead into dead dove trope etc are the backbone of fandom whether you like it or not, theyre just as present as fluff and everybody lives aus its just how it is

We’re all pretty similar when it comes to enjoying the same fandom spaces, people just dont wanna admit it haha

[system-of-a-feather]

(TW: Blood mention, gore mention, slaughter / animal death mention, homicidal ideation)

Dude I pushed Riku out of the front so I could go off about my unique brand of homicidality-suicidality, but shit gets too gorey apparently for this blog so they had me backspace it out

But honestly trauma-induced bloodlust but also being cognoscente and aware enough while triggered to not Commit a Crime in the system's name can become a fucking mess.

And honestly, yeah bloodlust is a huge issue in this system's main trauma holders (we actually have a part that went to a slaughter house for a class in university and really really really wanted to become a butcher for life cause it gave them a high) and yeah we're kinda horrible representation cause of that but also putting it out there cause like, yall don't gotta be ashamed if you are in a similar boat. Thought crimes don't make a person it's the actions that do.

Honestly though, I still do love that like anon that was like "UWU YOU ARE DANGEROUS WHAT IF YOU KILL SOMEONE" cause like, yeah we really do have that potential already in this system. I promise you me, and like two other parts in this system, should we have been given our own bodies and not had other parts to counter act us, would have very likely at least tried to kill someone at some point. I *am* an "evil alter" and I *am* probably what would have been a "serial killer alter" - but I am NOT one because I am an *alter* in a system.

Like people that go "UWU YOU MIGHT BECOME A KILLER" like literally, DID is what kept me from being one. I'm not ashamed to say it because its true. 100% there was a time I did consider it, there was a time I did plan it, there was a time I was enthusiastically interested in it.

Those days are gone cause

I can't make decisions for just myself because Im tied to the like 40 other versions of me and my decisions will inherently affect them

My other versions of myself have gained my respect and have a view of the world and life that I genuinely believe is far healthier and better in the long run than my own

I'd probably get booted the fuck out by Mom and Dad in my brain if I even so much as genuinely considered it

I have too much to live for these days to be throwing my life away for senseless highs and thrill seeking cause these idiots actually have me sitting here experiencing parts of the world and life that is better than pure thrills

Like I'll straight up be upfront about it cause I am 1) not ashamed of what my trauma made me into, the same energy that caused me to be like that is what saved OUR life and I'm better than the me of the past so *shrugs* and 2) I'm not gonna fucking do it so it doesn't fucking matter if I admit it.

Homicidal ideation has no moral weight to it - especially not homicidal ideation that occurred in the past.

[sjweminem]

hey im not that other anon but their ask gave me the balls to say i think its really cool youre not ashamed of your scars or talking about them. i recently got a real fucking doozy along most of my upper arm from a really bad day that went south and ofc i couldnt go get stitches so ive been super self conscious about it because its my biggest ive gotten before and seeing you post selfies and stuff is really encouraging for me to accept that its there and stuff but yeah just wanted to say thanks for inadvertently helping me feel better about my scars man

i'm glad! i can't really see my scars/fresh wounds after all these years and my mom says the same. i don't think about them at all except when i'm caring for fresh injuries but other than that i just dress and present myself however i want i guess? i developed some of my severe disorders at 4 or 5 years old and my parents made a point to raise me knowing firmly that nothing about my mental illness is something to hide or be ashamed of; that i don't owe it to anyone to censor myself for the comfort of Normal people. i recommend adopting that belief system if you can. i've never felt stigma or judgment simply bc it can't reach me. i'm like "i had 44 rounds of electroconvulsive therapy do you wanna hear some stories?" "oh i have the funniest story about this scar," etc. it just..feels normal to me lol i have no problem answering anybody who asks about my arms or legs, stranger or not. i hope you can make peace like that, i can't imagine carrying the weight of stigma/shame along with that of what already plagues you

[queerautism]

The thing is I am traumagenic and in hindsight the first online community I went to for help was sysmed (I didn't know what that was at the time) This is a summary of what happened:

"Hi, I think I might have DID or OSDD. I get a really intense flow of symptoms at stressful points in my life but they all go into remission when life gets more stable, so I never get a chance to figure it out or learn from it. I'm in remission now but I'd like to try to develop some coping skills before the next time life gets stressful so I can be prepared. Does anyone know of any resources that could help?"

A summary of the responses:

"If you're not having symptoms right now then why even bother? Having DID is pain and suffering. How dare you want to be like us? You should feel lucky. Stop trying to become a system and leave. This space is for people like us who are really suffering, not fakers and wannabes like you."

I was so ashamed and confused that I left the group immediately.

Rouke was the first person to offer any support and sympathy. Like idk if you're so against pro endos maybe don't drive people out of your spaces and there'd be less of us 🙄

(not to say that I'd be anti endo if it weren't for that event, it just made it easier to figure out who was the "good guys" or whatever)

<333 im sorry you had to deal with that!! Sysmed spaces are so hostile to any questioning that doesn't follow an extremely rigid narrative and its such bullshit

[leorawright]

Hello! Could i request a romantic tf2 matchup please?

-I’m a heterosexual/heteroromantic woman

-my pronouns are she/her

-im a Mexican woman who’s slowly gaining confidence in herself and her capabilities! Im pretty antisocial, but get very excited when I get to talk about a topic i love and enjoy extremely! I tend to have a hard time making friends, but deeply cherish the ones i do have. I try to be as creative as possible whenever i can, which includes trying to be more optimistic in my outlook on life. I tend to overthink a lot, but only to find different ways to get through a problem or situation. People have told me that I give off a very serious persona, even some telling me Im like their mom or even “45 years old”, but honestly i just have a different way of thinking. I tend to examine life though many means, either psychological, literal or spiritual, and often find myself lost in thought. Other than that, i just enjoy talking about my interests whenever i can and just trying to be a better person every day.

What i look for in a partner:

-i look for someone who listens to what im saying and feeling - meaning that they take my feelings to heart and actually listen instead of trying to fix the situation, putting in their own personal opinion as a way to fix the situation, trying to fix me, or just ignoring me in general.

-im a pretty sensitive person, so i want the kind of partner who compliments you when you do something right/are proud of instead of someone who will call you things like b*tch or something like that (its just not my kind of thing)

-i want someone i can trust and will apologize when they do something wrong instead of making an excuse to avoid the blame when deserved

-someone who will stand up for me and teach me how to stand up for myself when someone or something is trying to bring me down (basically a supportive bf)

-i have depression and anxiety, so i would love if they would find different ways to comfort me when im not at my best

-ive never been in a relationship before, so i want someone who will make me feel safe and secure with them as well as remind me that its ok to not know how to do things and help me when I feel embarrassed or ashamed of it

-i have many insecurities about my body, more specifically how people point out how skinny i am, my poor posture, messy hair, and especially how i never smile that much (its hard for me sometimes for some reason), so i want someone who will make sure i am loved in a way where I’ll actually learn to love myself step by step

-sometimes i feel like there’s always something preventing me from having someone like me romantically (either my personality, appearance, interests, etc), so i want someone who will make me feel loved no matter what im into or what i look like

My hobbies:

-i love to draw! Ever since the 5th grade, ive been drawing almost every day, specifically characters from tv as well as my own! I grew up always loving cartoons and animation, and hope to one day go to art school and hopefully get a career in animation! I specifically love 2d animation since i grew up with it and tend to adore movies and shows from the 1980’s-2000’s that show the different types of animation accomplished within those years.

-i love watching old cartoons from my childhood! Whether it be Hey Arnold, Invader Zim, or Spongebob, i always enjoyed watching the characters on screen, even becoming inspired to hopefully make my own animated series one day!

-ive been learning to sew stuffed animals and dolls for a few months now! Its been really fun trying to study different patterns and making my own little dolls of my favorite characters!

-i love Space! Although i dont know much about it anymore, its always fascinated me how beautiful the solar system can be. My favorite planet was always Jupiter, and whenever my family used to visit Mexico, I would be captured by the beautiful scene of stars dancing among the sky. It was as if it was so pretty that even merely touching the solar system would make you pretty too!

-i love to listen to music with basically everything i do. Whether it be drawing, getting ready for the day, going on a drive, or going into a store, im always playing music through my earbuds. It helps to calm me down, which is definitely needed for me. My favorite bands are Ninja Sex Party, j^p^n, Tom Lehrer, The Dreadnoughts, Shadow Academy, System of a Down, and Falling in Reverse to name a few!

-i like to listen to comfort audios every now and then. These are basically audios where your put yourself into a scenario with another person (aka “speaker x listener” format). These audios can range from “slice of life” and “domestic settings” to things like “talking with your local barista” and even “alien saves you from your dying planet”. It can get pretty creative, and can honestly bring great comfort when i need it most!

-i like listening to musicals, with my taste mostly residing in musicals people most likely havent heard of before. My favorites at the moment are “Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier”, “Something Rotten”!

Hope this wasn’t too much lol, but thanks for the opportunity!

Okay I really appreciate all the information you gave me and I was stuck between two mercs so I did both and you can pick which one you like better!

For the first Merc I've picked

Demoman!

Demo is definitely one of the sweetest people and one of the most in touch with his feelings

He does things pretty spontaneously so he doesn't give you a chance to overthink

He listens intently whenever you tall especially if it's about what you do and don't like

He'd never insult you and he always tries to see your point of view on a situation

He's smart enough to recognize when he's wrong in an argument and he'll apologize

He's super supportive of anything and everything you do

You: *breathes* Demo: YEAH THATS MA S/O!!!!

He couldn't care less about how you look

You could have just woken up and he thinks you look absolutely gorgeous

If he could he'd spend hours watching cartoons with you since he absolutely loves them

You and him go stargazing some nights to just relax

Please show him your music tastes he'll listen to every song of your favorite artists

He's such a musical theater nerd and you and him gush over different musicals

Or if you're looking for someone I bit more thoughtful I'd suggest

Heavy!

Whenever the world feels overwhelming and you feel so insecure Heavy will be right beside you to tell you you're beautiful and to shield you from the outside

He does research whenever you two have a disagreement and he comes to you when he realizes he's wrong to apologize

He always waits to think about what you feel before he says anything

No one can say anything bad about you bevause Heavy is standing behind you and daring them to say it again

For him, looks don't matter in a relationship but since he knows you're insecure he goes out of his way to give you a different compliment about your outfit or hairstyle every day

Sometimes you two draw together even if it's not Heavy's speciality

Long walks at night are one of Heavy's favorite ways to bond with you

He does research on your favorite musicals and he'll definitely take you to some of them as a surprise

Hope these were okay! I tried my very best and thought about each Merc carefully for around 10 minutes!

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.

[bidens-tight-boypussy]

Ended up visiting my uncle today. Started out p nice, he used my name even. until he started talking politics and about how its not his responsibility to feed kids and then he started on about “illegals” and at that point. At that point, I was pissed.

But. I decided instead of ruining my mom’s visit (he is gravely ill, not really all there, and she’s close with him and has major trauma from losing family before) I would make my point (and emotionally regulate) by leaving the room. So I sat on the floor outside the door. They came out after a few mins, asked me if I wanted to come to dinner and I had cooled off and went with them to the kitchen.

And then we had dinner. (the food was bomb). While were leaving and everybody was saying goodbye, he initially went for a hug (in my family, women get hugs and men get handshakes) and I went in for a handshake and he adjusted and shook my hand. It meant a lot to me, that he respected my gender even in family tradition. Even with the slip up, he still actually shook my hand, which was such a nice moment to experience.

Afterward, my mom said that when I had left the room, my uncle suddenly stopped talking politics and changed the subject. Based, he understands nonverbal cues! Also based that he realized he was making me uncomfortable and actually changed his behavior.

I had high anxiety the whole time, but once we got back to my sister’s place, I was beginning to have a full blown panic attack. I didn’t think it was that deep but…. According to my nervous system, it is that deep. Even though there were a lot of nice moments.

My guess is that the combination of seeing him again plus the whole politics deal put my nervous system over the panic threshold.

Unfortunately, I had the panic attack in front of everyone. As you might expect, I’m not a big fan of having a visible panic attack in front of others. A bit after I told them I was having a panic attack, the topic turned to how trump’s probably gonna win the election again, which was making it significantly worse. So I had to say “Can you please not talk about this while I’m actively having a panic attack.” I felt bad for not having a polite tone when I said it. I didn’t mean to, I couldn’t control my tone of voice in the moment. But I successfully set a boundary and it was respected. Dubs.

But because everyone saw it, I felt ashamed and defective. And I felt guilty for not appreciating the good that happened. Even though I do. Luckily, the kids didn’t catch on cuz I was mostly just pacing or sitting still clutching my arms with a thousand yard stare, and they were busy playing. Thank god, I did not want to be explaining this shit while currently experiencing it and already feeling embarrassed.

I feel so out of place in my family. I can’t remember a single time where I did feel that connection, to be honest. Maybe when I was 5. I always had a weird feeling about them, like a sense that they would turn on me if I didn’t fit what they wanted me to be. And well, it was true for a lot of my family.

Starting to realize that the chronic invalidation that I have experienced, internalized, and occasionally sought out has negatively affected me in ways I’m only just beginning to understand. To the point where seeing the person who, in 2020, called me sick in the head (and more) on FB would be enough to make it a panic attack trigger. When he did that, he confirmed my worst fears (in multiple ways) and caused a lot of psychological distress. He had DMed me about a political post to argue, and out of nowhere he brought up me being trans and how wrong and sick it is and that ill always be a girl and that im going to hell etc. Blocked him, hadn’t seen or talked to him since.

But yeah, I think that’s probably enough for interacting with him again to cause a panic attack. Even under the best of circumstances.

[carelesstemper]

I feel like a terrible person

I shouldn’t feel the way I do and maybe this whole infatuation is just built on deeper issues with me. I think I hold on to this cause I feel wanted. Even though he doesn’t physically tell me, its in the gestures and the second glances. Like two stupid idiots holding onto this idea of happiness we see in each other. Idk, Im just trying to justify this because it feels right. I havent felt this way since RD. and like, Im just remembering how easy it was to just hold onto this false image of love and place these ideas onto this person because he shows me an ounce of attraction or attention. Theres parts of him I really like and other parts that I don’t know if I can be okay with.

The reason why I feel terrible is bc Im technically the other woman. Its never anything physical but completely like, emotional. He has this life and his shit together. On the outside it just looks like he has it all. And maybe im wrong. Obviously im wrong.

And whats even worse is its not just this one sided thing I can get over easily. He strings me along and he knows. He is very much aware and my friends tell me well he’s shitty and hes never going to leave her no matter how much he tells you he wants you more. But when I talk to him I just don’t feel like what they say is true.

Im also just scared that I feel just a little bit more. I mean there are times when I can acknowledge that hes not what i want and hes the last person I want to be associated with but then theres other times where I feel lonely and I feel like no one wants me and its so easy to go to him to get that validation. The affection i crave. Its like the fairy tale kind of thing whenever Im around him and maybe I shouldn’t say it. He feels like what I’ve been searching for my entire life and maybe thats a bit extreme and I honestly feel ashamed to say it. But if i don’t then its bottled up inside and I want to scream. Its so wrong and perhaps thats what pulls me in more. Would I feel this way towards him if he didn’t have all this other stuff going on? Would I enjoy his company even if he was single and had that freedom to be with me?

Its like this dramatic love story with a crazy plot and it has you feeling and wishing that the girl gets the guy in the end. I don’t think that this is how it’s going to end. I feel like from this point on i need to actually move on. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I don’t know if I can. But I wont know unless I try.

I don’t want to be that girl who gets in the middle of another persons relationship for my own selfish reasons. I don’t want to end up being the girl who thinks he wouldn’t do it to me too. I don’t want to be the terrible person.

Idk this whole thing just has me questioning my morals. My belief system. Its not entirely my fault. I knew what I was getting into too but I didn’t think it would come to this. Its so hard to stop feelings from growing when you keep putting yourself in the same environment where that person is.

I think theres something we’re both lacking in our lives that brings us to each other in drunken moments. Something that has us slipping into conversations we’re too scared to have when we’re sober.

[joligarcon]

11, 17, 26 except i'd love to know a specific music video that plays in your head when you listen to it (even if it's an AMV >:)), 37

11.   something you’d give ANYTHING to hear performed live

this entire arrogant sons of bitches album because its the best ska punk album of all time but the odds of them ever doing shows again at any point in time are approximately 0 :(

17.   a song for raging

violent by design - petrol girls but really i could make you an entire playlist of "songs for raging" because 98% of what i listen to is loud political rock music

26.   a song that makes you act out the music video when you hear it

theres this adam lambert song that gets stuck in my head every once in a while for some ungodly reason and when that happens all i can think of is this fucking hisoka amv. dont ask why because i dont know either. i dont listen to adam lambert and never have. not hating on him im sure hes a good guy

37.   a song you’re ashamed to have in your music library

this is actually a tough question because after years of listening to ska im completely desensitized to being made fun of & called a loser for my taste in music (nobody is more oppressed than a ska fan) and am no longer ashamed of anything i listen to. that being said its pretty embarrassing to have cigaro by system of a down come on shuffle in most contexts despite being a banger. also trying to convince someone that a red hot chili peppers song is good can be utterly humiliating sometimes because anthony kiedis writes the most dogshit lyrics ever

[naelys-the-aster]

thats not the point… i get that nothing has ever been traced back to her and i also understand she has yet to be caught… but she also is part of a more elite movement in society and daddy’s money will always make sure she has her way. regardless if she cut ties with Mr. Watson recently..

exhibit A: she was known to hang around the higher ups of Wall street…. don’t you think it’s a bit strange that one by one they all have been disappearing lately? not to mention one of their bodies being found carved into a hunk of unrecognizable meat? and the last time this victim was seen was at one of her many residences?

or we can also discuss how her family is very intwined with the legal system and police department.

or how shes been placed as a person of interest at every case file but its cleared up within weeks.

but i guess that’s “irrelevant.”

whatever, don’t say i didn’t warn you. id watch your back around the one you claim to be a saint.

and get the fuck out of this town. its riddled with too much dark secrets.

yours truly, someone who knows your father very well and watched you grew up.

Well of course she is part of the elite society, she has grown into the vast pools of wealthy socialites those of which are involve big wigs and CEOs.

I mean imagine my suprise when I found out that she was the daughter of the "Lord Watson" (as their servants address him) as well as the only heir to the Watson fortune. She does not meddle with her fathers business nor anyone connected to it, because as mentioned, her daddy cut her off.

Though im not suprised that she used to be involved with Execs on Wallstreet.

I will say they did find Robert Whineharts body floating in the Bay Area, the CEO of Hartland Insurance Co. The media and law enforcement are stating that his demise was a result of suicide.

Even more so his wife was interviewed, and she claimed she had found Robert's suicide note in his office the day of his disappearance.

Yes yes yes, those accusations of Pierce being the last person to be in the presence of an ALLEDGED were also in this morning news report as well as the print media.

May I mention the eyewitness police interviewed was a 70 year old woman who could not pick out a photo of Whinehart in a photo book or line up. And you've said it yourself, Pierce owns many properties, meaning that she has servants, maids, and maintenance staff. This sighting could possibly be one of the persons employed by Pierce IF Whinehart was even seen on sight. I mean the man did have a history of purchasing sexual favor of Watsons staff as well as his own.

Pish posh, I say, the bodies you mention if you haven't read any of the papers recently- where those of three Wallstreet Execs that Identified as Hao Makisake, Anthony Labode, and Thomas Marlain. A simple hunting accident, mauled by a bear during seasonal trip between the three men.

And for her fathers involvement with the cities police force, the Watsons are from a long line of blue bloods, her heat heat grandfather founded the law enforcement branch of this city. Each male having a role as an officer mostly high ranking.

Haha I mean it makes sense he has some impressionable influence through police and the community, the checks all those officers receive come from her father's banks. Mr. Watson Aldo funds the law enforcement department as a pull for his campaign as Mayor.

They simply respect him and the fact that his daughter is a circumstantial person of interest.

Oh... you know my father? Then you must know the business archetype my daddy runs. I would let you know he's a powerful man with just as much influence than Mr.Watson.. so

I'd be watching my back if I were you.

I am a daddy's girl, be ashamed if he had to get his hands dirty to protect his princess..

@absynthhh