#like even when queer people tell you that you have feminine energy or whatever it makes me want to cry

[daffodi1]

Genuine question, not meant as rhetorical or anything. Ik dismantling the gender binary is important and all, and I'm all for it as well as getting rid of gender roles. And I know that like, even if the gender binary isn't a thing, medical transition will exist regardless (or at least I hope so, bc I would not have survived this long without it even if my gender identity wasn't a problem). But like... if my identity as a man is important to me, how am I supposed to reconcile that? I know I shouldn't be fixated on any identity period and that I should probably just accept that regardless of gender, I am Me, but being a man has kinda been my shield against people just deciding I'm a woman and being done with it. Like, despite all of my feminine traits and interests, if I'm a man then I'm a man and they can't argue with that. And I guess I'm worried that if I don't have that anymore, I'll have nothing preventing people from just deciding I'm a woman. And maybe that is my problem-- maybe I should not be so opposed to the idea of being a woman but I can't help that I hate it when that's what every transphobic person has tried to shove down my throat all my life. So if anyone knows how to like... stop worrying about it, I would appreciate it bc I genuinely don't know how I'd be able to survive in the society we're supposed to want.

[babygorewhore]

Hey idk if you're still doing the 'tell me about yourself and I'll ship you with an evan thing' so ignore this if you don't wanna do any more but ty if you do!

I'm non binary, I use all pronouns in my every day life cause I'm from a non-English speaking country, but I prefer they/them the most, im queer sexuality wise, i want top surgery more than anything else rn, I'm currently OBSESSED with across the spiderverse, I love video games, nostalgic shit (I just got a DVD of the first few episodes of a childhood show of mine lol), manga, comics, fashion designing (hoping to make it a career!), lego, makeup, plushies and musicals! (So you like show tunes, doesn't mean you're gay, it just means you're awful. I watched all seasons of glee... I hate myself. /j) Oh and cats. I love cats. Specifically hairless ones and cheetahs. (THEY COUNT IDC).

I have short (pixie cut) super dark brown hair that I usually dye blonde or other colors, I have greenish-brownish eyes, and no piercings cause I'm a wimp and to add to the wimpiness I am 5'3 (most of my friends are taller than me I am in HELL). I like to dress in all sorts of clothing, androgynous, masculine, feminine, y2k, goth, pastel. When I'm in fem clothing I either dress in like an elegant goth, cute pastel stuff with mostly green, pink or orange, but whatever I wear the earrings always have to be Giant. In my every day life though most of my clothing is fun T shirts, long sweat pants or shorts and a hoodie. Oh and sandels. Lots and lots of sandels. I love winter because I get to wear all my favorite hoodies, and get to snuggle up in my bed eating soup while watching some dumb Christmas movie no one wanted to see but Netflix made cause money.

I have ADHD and generalized anxiety disorder and currently trying to figure out with my psychiatrist what else I have. I'm a very sensitive person but I usually mask so if I'm hurt I will not show it, but I'm also very petty and spiteful? I don't act on it though. I'm a morning eagle AND a night owl, I'm just a ball of chaotic energy that doesn't die, I AM HELLFIRE INCARNET! BOW BEFORE- coffee? We dont know her. I try to be funny? My friends think I'm funny but idk. You tell me.

Again tysm if you do this and have a nice day!

FUCK YEAH I AM BABY.

OKAY!!!!! SO I TOTALLY SHIP YOU WITH KYLE SPENCER!

Okay bet. So Kyle here would absolutely love your interests and he would absolutely LOVE MUSICALS. I feel like people wouldn’t think so because he’s a frat boy but he totally would.

He would be really supportive in your expression of style and he would love having a non binary partner! I feel like he’s extremely accepting.

He would have such respect for you for sticking to your authentic style and oml…HE WOULD LET YOU BORROW HIS HOODIES!!!! He would love how they hang on you he would find it so cute!!!

He would love to see you design for your fashion and even give you a little fashion show of all his fits! I feel like he also has a lot of energy that he’s dying to show. He would love to stay up late for you so much.

And he’s very sweet so since you’re a sensitive person, he would be very protective of you and give you lots of kisses if you unmasked! WE LOVE OUR BLONDE ANGEL BABY KYLE!!!

[kingoftheblacksun]

I am Enaree. I am Dacian yet same as Scythians, and truth is we didn't use either of those words. We were not big on words like you modern types. We are not human.

I am trans femme yet what an Enaree represents is fantastically more than merely queer. This is the esoteric secret of the age. The revelation of it could cause nations to tumble and SHOULD, for we have been lied to for centuries.

Ego consciousness is always masculine, no matter your sex. This is because consciousness is masculine, as consciousness provides form to your reality, which is precisely what masculine energy does. They lied to you about what the word 'masculine' means because they wanted to control you with shame and you're so self-loathing that it worked wonderfully.

Ego consciousness is mortal. It is the illusion of your life and no it is not saved after you die. No word or image of your life will leave with you. You must leave it all behind. I know because I've done it more than once.

The gender transition of Enaree had nothing to do with horseback riding, nor was any sort of physical castration required. Herodotus was like a UK liberal and you need to read his descriptions understanding he was ignorant and privileged. The part about HRT is true, and mare's urine is likely and ingenious.

Listen and I'll tell you the secret. Most of you will not believe it is possible. If you met me in person, you'd know I am real.

For most humans, there's nothing "behind" their ego consciousness. They cannot sacrifice it. It's good to deconstruct and meditate yet there are hard boundaries.

Enaree are born with a latent primordial awareness in their tail. Such Enaree are always born male. They will live their life using their ego consciousness up top, living as a man, yet if conditions are right after a life is lived, they go through a radical process of internalized self-decapitation, and they sever their ego consciousness, to create a vacuum to force the latent primordial awareness to rise up their spine and enter their mind.

This is a true "kundalini" awakening. The primordial awareness is always female, and being transcendental they are older than all words, so you may name her anything she likes. I call her Kali, yet she is much like Sinhavaktra. I also call her Wyrm Dog. She is my Atman.

Yet it was Chhinnamasta who first reached out to me, and she and the story of Lord Bhairava severing the 5th head of Brahma is PRECISELY to become an Enaree!

This is a "Two-Spirit" in the profoundly divine sense. I am from the "first ones" whatever name you want to call them. Elohim. Aryan. The first tribes that became "good with God" and thus we were given particles so we could have lives over and over. It's not so fun now.

People have fallen for the enemy again and again and you are driving towards a global extinction event. Why do you think they insistently declare your identity? In the west, they've made a big deal of insisting the words 'man' and 'woman' are absolute and binding - THIS IS WHY. Your governments and media are trying to betray entities who are powerful enough to make mountains of Earthling body parts, and they're doing it by feeding you lies.

I am a Wretch without Power. I'm going through a physical evolution and it is the RETURN of the Masculine Divine. I won't stop being she/her or feminine, yet the Force which takes possession of me is the King of the Black Sun, Apollo. I believe I'll prove it when I sprout wings.

I beg people to begin to listen. I'm blocked from the social world by feminists who hate everything male, fueled by intense Israeli subversion, as the liberals would destroy the whole world to put themselves on top like fat ticks.

There are NO CHOSEN ONES. NONE. We have not chosen, yet. All who say they are the Chosen are narcs, and the wrath coming for them would make a Lion blush.

I don't even know why I keep trying. My back hurts so badly. I've been in marginalized isolation for months because the LGBTQ is designed to repel diversity and only champions feminist patriarchy. You were tricked into becoming the enemies of God. Yet we still love you and beg you to stop. We want to grant mercy, yet you must surrender to it.

I am only the first. I want to help you yet none of you love me or God, so it may be that I just sit and watch you die. It's my fault for vouching for you long ago. I thought you were beautiful. Now look at what you've done. I am ashamed of you, and ashamed of my decision to save you.

Let all who live in sin turn to salt. I just want to go home. 💔

[slasher-male-wife]

hi, ive been stalking ur blog recently since there is a painful lack of male readers when it comes to thomas hewitt/bubba sawyer so i am here and requesting :3

maybe some headcanons about a malewife s/o for thomas and bubba,, like he cooks with whoever is tasked with dinner n cleans and does laundry, the whole nine yards, even helping clean up messes after thomas/bubba is done with victims (maybe even helping when some victims escape)

thank you if you do end up writing this!! have a great day/night!! :D

Really about to put the malewife in my name to good use. I might write a fic based on this idea later but for now here's some head cannons.

Thomas Hewitt and Bubba Sawyer with a male wife

Warnings: Mentions of homophobia, murder and cannibalism

Thomas Hewitt

Hoyt and Monty are going to be huge assholes about you being a male wife. Constantly telling you “real men don’t do this” “real men don’t do that” whatever. They might call you a fairy or something like that but that’s as far as they go because they know who’s side Thomas is on.

Luda Mae is happy to have another helping hand with chores. They get done twice as fast and she gets down time too. It’s also nice to have a younger, stronger person helping out too.

She’ll make you some clothes if you don’t know how to make your own and will use “the good fabric” because she likes you a lot.

Thomas is head over heels for you. A handsome man who also cooks, cleans, helps around the house and loves him? He’s all for it. He’s hesitant to have you help clean up the basement but when he sees you cleaning up the carnage from someone getting bashed in the head in the living room he’s less worried.

If you’re good with getting blood stains out of clothes you’re in charge of laundry from now on. Once a week you’ll go into the basement to help clean up the mess.

There’s a learning curve when learning to cook human meat but you’ll pick it up soon enough don’t worry Y/n.

If you actually kill someone everyone is a bit surprise. They thought because of how domestic you are that you’d never kill someone. The comments from Hoyt and Monty will stop and they’ll push you to kill more people if you’re good at it.

Bubba Sawyer

Like Hoyt and Monty the twins will constantly comment on how you’re “doing a women’s job” or “being a queer” but Drayton will have them cut it out because finally someone is helping around the house.

Bubba was the one who did the more domestic jobs like cleaning and laundry so finally getting help is really nice. He’s happy to have someone help him clean.

I'm pretty sure you're just gonna have to take over for Bubba because now that you're here Drayton's gonna have Bubba work on other things in the house.

Bubba loves knowing that he's not the only feminine man out there and that he can be a man and enjoy cooking, cleaning and doing household work too.

Will defend you from his brothers if they get too mean to you. Also please defend him. I feel like Bubba gives me "He's my girlfriend!" Energy.

Drayton will love another helping hand with cooking too. He will teach you how to cook the meat properly and probably ask you to make other things like bread.

Bubba's gonna take a bit to get used to seeing you cleaning up blood and guts. I feel like eventually he'll teach you how to cut the meat but until then you're not watching him kill people.

But if/when you do kill someone they're all a bit surprised at that. They'll really see you as a Sawyer now.

[non-binharry]

Hey Asia, I've been wondering: What helped your realization that you're not cis? Like, in what way were you elevated by Harry when it was only 2018 and there was no Fine Line yet and barely anyone discussing it (I assume?)? Was it something Harry did or said? Was it the fandom? If that's too personal,no pressure answering it!! I'm just trying to learn about different nb experiences :) Have a nice day!

even back in 2018 harry just had a certain energy about himself that i was absolutely vibing with. i'm not implying that there's like a gender sixth sense or whatever, but i think in the same way that people with queer sexualities sometimes just know it about others, trans people have the same feeling. i wasn't in this fandom and was a very casual fan, but after seeing harry in concert (this was the atl show with the iconic "its my birthday, and i'm gay!" but also the even more iconic red boots) i just took an even bigger liking to him and explored his tour looks and like the envy i felt for this silly little man in his silly little suits was off the charts. i remember after that going through my wardrobe wanting to trash all of my "feminine" clothing (all three items lmao) and telling a friend i was feeling pretty much genderless at that point. and then of course shortly after that i was like wait... there's a reason you feel genderless you clown. but genuinely, not much changed about me when i realized i was non-binary. the way that i am and present and exist now is pretty much how i've always been, just with more clarity about why.

[dustyard]

A Guide to Dæmons, Sexuality, and Gender

Let’s first get this out of the way: being gay does not automatically mean your dæmon is the same sex as you. Are we good? All on the same page? Lovely. The whole idea behind gay people having a same-sex dæmon came from a singular character who was implied to be gay in the books, who also had a same-sex dæmon, and as far as I’m aware, Pullman has neither confirmed nor denied any theories regarding sexuality and dæmons. Even if he has, there are times when disagreeing with an author about their work is absolutely acceptable, and this would be one.

When examining dæmon genders in regards to human sexuality, I think it’s important to look at why dæmons come out a certain gender. I’ve seen a lot of theories floating around, one of the most popular ones (that I’ve seen, maybe it’s changed though) having to do with balance. For example, a masculine person needing a feminine dæmon to even them out. I wholeheartedly reject this idea, in part because it’s a bit derogatory, as it implies that gay men are feminine and gay women are masculine, therefore needing a dæmon of the same sex to even them out. I personally believe that when it comes to figuring out the gender of your dæmon, you should remove sexuality entirely.

When trying to decide what gender fits best, the consideration I think needs to be whether you’re more drawn to masculine or feminine energy (or other, but I’ll get back to that in a bit). Now, this doesn’t mean whether you’re attracted romantically/sexually to masculine or feminine people. It also doesn’t mean how you personally prefer to present. For example, I am female. I enjoy being feminine, acting feminine, and exuding feminine energy. However, I feel a strong connection to masculine energies, which is why I feel my dæmon is male. I like observing masculinity, hearing from the male perspective, and I also appreciate masculinity in part because I am not masculine. I appreciate the contrast to myself. For some people, they might feel very drawn to feminine energies, but again, this is not sexual or romantic. You could be a straight woman with a female dæmon because you simply prefer female energy, not because you dislike dick. A person might not want/need the contrast in gender the way I personally do, and that can be for so many reasons it isn’t even really possible to list them all.

Now, having gotten all that out of the way, I do think that non-straight people are more likely to have same-sex dæmons. A correlation rather than a causation, if you will. In part I think this has to do with non cis-het people generally being more flexible in their gender performance (this is a big generalization, I am aware, don’t bite my head off) and because of this, might be more comfortably with a same-sex dæmon. As I said before, sexuality/your gender does not directly determine your dæmon’s gender, but there will probably be a correlation.

If you’ve read this whole thing and are asking, well, what about me? I/my dæmon don’t fit under male or female? Then the answer is that honestly not much changes, but deciding how your dæmon portrays themselves may be more challenging.

For those of you who don’t identify as male/female (I understand that there are a large number of labels you could use, but for the sake of brevity I’m going to use genderqueer as an umbrella term) you can absolutely still have a dæmon that identifies as male or female. As I pointed out earlier, your gender does not inherently determine the gender of your dæmon. If you feel particularly drawn to female energies and are genderqueer, congratulations, you probably have a female dæmon.

In regards to dæmons being genderqueer/not fitting the traditional gender binary, this is also an option if you feel that your dæmon does not fit within the confines of the gender binary. You do not need to identify as genderqueer for this to affect your dæmon. Admittedly I don’t think of genderqueer dæmons as particularly common, but that certainly doesn’t mean that it can’t/doesn’t happen. Again, this would probably be more commonplace in queer safe spaces, but not always.

Onto some commonly asked questions:

Gender is, at its core, a social construct. If we accept this, why then do dæmons have to conform to any gender at all?

Well, they don’t. Besides, just because gender is a construct doesn’t mean it isn’t useful. Money has no inherent value, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t massively influence our daily lives. You may decide that the traditional gender binary doesn’t suit either yourself or your dæmon, but that doesn’t mean that those who feel it does ought to be belittled.

So, if I’m gay, is my dæmon the same gender as me?

Nope, not necessarily. You can be gay and have a same-sex dæmon if that feel right, but you can also have a dæmon of the opposite sex. Both are completely fine.

What if I’m straight? Can I still have a same-sex dæmon?

Yes, you can!

What if I’m bi/pan/ace/whatever, does that affect my dæmon’s gender?

Your dæmon’s gender is separate from both your gender expression and your sexuality. Therefore, whatever you identify as does not inherently affect what your dæmon will present as.

Do dæmons have sexuality?

This is a harder question to answer, and I’m going to go with a resounding “eh”. I don’t think dæmons would have sexuality in the sense of desiring to have sex with another dæmon—at the very least, I have never experienced this. I do, however, think that some dæmons would show a marked preference for the gender of the dæmon that belongs to their human’s romantic interest. For example, a dæmon might be drawn to male dæmons than female dæmons. Could this affect their human’s romantic/sexual endeavors? Yes, I think so. Maybe not overtly, but a dæmon that likes male dæmons might encourage their human to go after their preferred gendered partner who also has a dæmon that is the gender they prefer. Does that make sense?

I still don’t know what gender my dæmon is, how do I figure that out?

If after reading this you still aren’t clear, that’s totally fine! Gender is a very complicated topic that uses a lot of abstract language; dæmonism is the same. Put the two together and nobody knows what’s going on anymore. There’s no need to immediately gender your dæmon. You can play around with what gender they present as for as long as you want. A lot of this is very instinct and vibes based, so it really is just whatever feels right to you.

I used to think my dæmon was X gender and now I think they might be Y gender. Is that okay?

Yep! Totally okay. Who’s going to stop you, the dæmon police?

What if I don’t want to gender them at all?

Again, perfectly fine, and really, who cares? Is anybody going to break down your door and tell you to stop imagining a talking animal that does or does not conform to a certain gender? I highly doubt it, or else you’re living a much more exciting life than I am.

In summary: dæmons do not derive their gender from their human’s gender nor their sexuality, and dæmon gender is an entirely separate category.

[precuredaily]

Precure Day 187

Film: Yes! Precure 5 The Movie: Miracle Adventure in the Mirror Kingdom! Date watched: 16 May 2020 Original release date: 10 November 2007 Screenshots: https://imgur.com/a/OLloFxz (500 pics for you to enjoy!) Project info and master list of posts: http://tinyurl.com/PCDabout

these butterflies will kick your ass

This continues our trend of absolutely excellent Precure movies, and stands strong with themes of love, compassion, and bettering yourself. It also introduces Dark Precures for the first time, who will go on to be a recurring idea for a few years. As always it has excellent animation and a moving plot to keep you invested so let’s explore and then I’ll tell you what I thought.

But first, a note!  Throughout this review, I will refer to the villain Shadow using the singular "they” pronoun because their gender is never specified in the film. They have a mostly androgynous appearance, with some traditionally masculine features but a distinctly feminine voice provided by veteran seiyuu Park Romi, and they speak using the feminine pronoun “atashi.” Perhaps the animators were designing a gender-neutral character, or perhaps I’m reading too much into it and the character was meant to be an effeminate man. There is a long and complicated history of queer-coding villains in media that I don’t want to get into, so I’m just going to stick with “they”. However, the translation I use in my screenshots opted for he/him, that is out of my control.

The Plot

Before the actual movie begins, there’s a short sketch with Coco, Nuts, and Milk explaining what Miracle Lights are and how and when to use them. (more on that here) When they explain why you shouldn’t throw them, the audience is gifted with this nightmare-inducing image of Coco being cut.

you know, for kids

After they get the do’s, don’ts, whens, and whys out of the way, the movie starts for real.

In the throne room of the Mirror Kingdom, which is an ominous land filled with reflective surfaces, a blue-haired Jojo villain named Shadow bosses around two bears named Migirin and Hidarin and has them conjure up an image of Nozomi. Shadow takes Nozomi’s image and reflects it into one of the five color-coordinated crystals that decorate the throne room. Nozomi’s image quickly turns into a full figure within the crystal, and as Shadow channels power into it, the crystal shatters and a dark version of Cure Dream is born. The camera leaves the castle and shows a desert filled with mirror slabs with sleeping anthropomorphic animals trapped inside of them.

Via a very clever set of establishing shots through a series of mirror reflections, we transition to Natts House where the five girls and Milk are hanging out. Nozomi is bored and looking for something to do, and each of her friends suggests an activity (futsal, watching TV, playing cards, or doing homework) but she rejects them all. Coco pulls out a flier for a place called Princess Land and suggests they go there. All the girls are entranced by the idea and they agree to go.

The opening theme plays over a montage of them traveling, arriving, picking dresses, leaving to change, showing off to Coco and Nuts, and then walking down a path with a huge crowd of people, including some costumed characters of bear princes. And then a mysterious gothic lolita girl appears on a nearby rooftop, looking out at everything...

The girls wander around Princess Land, acting like princesses while being silly with each other, Urara brags about a Pinky that she caught earlier, Nozomi tries to sneak up on Coco but he comments that he can tell when she’s nearby, and occasionally the mysterious girl from the roof walks by and steals glances at them. The girls enter a house of mirrors, and at one point, the mysterious lolita appears behind Nozomi’s reflection in the mirror, along with Migirin and Hidarin.

all of these are perfectly normal events

In the next room, Nozomi and Coco have a heart-to-heart, reiterating their feelings for each other and that they will find each other if they ever get separated. Afterwards, Nuts stays to talk with Coco, cautioning him about making that sort of promise since they’ll have to go back to the Palmier Kingdom soon. While they’re talking, Migirin and Hidarin sneak up from inside the mirror, take control of Coco and Nuts’s reflections, and then pull the real Coco and Nuts into the mirror world. The girls make their way to the exit, followed by Coco and Nuts. Nozomi notices Nuts is smiling, which is uncharacteristic for him.

Next, all the girls partake in a game where they run around a field as boys try to place flower crowns on their heads. Karen and Komachi are already out by the time we see them, Nozomi and Urara don’t last long, but Rin dodges and outruns all the boys, because she is too good for them. She receives a bouquet for her trouble, which she goes to offer to Nuts. However, Nozomi has noticed that Coco and Nuts aren’t acting themselves, and when Coco brushes Rin aside and asks Milk for the Dream Collet (side note: why does she have it? Nuts is its caretaker), Nozomi steps in and exposes the princes as imposters. While this is happening, the mysterious lolita watches from a distance.

The fake Coco and Nuts pull out a pair of Kowaina masks and morph into a large two-headed creature, so the girls all transform into Precure as well. The monster is very blobby and absorbs their attacks. Nozomi fires off a Dream Attack into one of the masks but when the smoke clears, the face recovers. While the girls fight, the lolita girl holds up a mirror that captures their images, and Shadow reflects Rouge, Lemonade, Mint, and Aqua into the remaining four crystals. With her work done, the lolita disappears back to the Mirror Kingdom. The Precures continue to fight, unaware of the malicious plans afoot. Aqua concludes that if they attack both masks at once, they should be able to defeat the Kowaina, so after Dream, Lemonade, and Mint gain the upper hand, Rouge and Aqua swoop in with their special attacks. As the monster disappears, what’s left are.... Migirin and Hidarin! They try to flee but Rouge captures them and takes them back to Natts House. There, the girls interrogate them about the location of the real Coco and Nuts. They’re reluctant to talk until Milk slaps the shit out of them.

They explain how Shadow took over the Mirror Kingdom, imprisoning all the residents and stealing the kingdom’s crystals, the source of its energy. Shadow then promised to return everything if Migirin and Hidarin were able to get the Dream Collet. Coco and Nuts are being held captive in the Mirror Kingdom, and there are specific conditions to get there that involve the Miracle Lights which Migirin and Hidarin have. So the girls get ready, and at 2 AM they depart. But they barely have time to take in the sight of the desolate kingdom before Shadow appears in the flesh, claiming that they can get whatever they desire with the Dream Collet! The girls transform into Precure, but Shadow smugly says the Precures won’t be fighting them, and then they teleport the red, yellow, green, and blue crystals behind themself. The mysterious lolita girl also appears behind Shadow, and Nozomi is shocked at this girl who looks so much like her. The lolita is encompassed in flame as she transforms, revealing herself as Dark Dream.

At the same time, the other four crystals burst and Dark Rouge, Dark Lemonade, Dark Mint, and Dark Aqua emerge.

Color-coded mirrors appear behind the heroine Precures as their dark counterparts quickly lunge at them and pull each of them into a mirror, where they each arrive in a new dimension. The Dark Precures speak to their originals about their twisted ideals, which all share the common theme that the Dark Cures believe friends are worthless and the clones are better because they don’t have that reliance on others. Each girl engages in battle with her doppelganger and the Dark Cures waste no time demonstrating their superiority.

Milk, Migirin, and Hidarin can do nothing but watch the mirrors. Shadow, however, isn’t interested in waiting to see the outcome of the fights, so they forcefully take the Dream Collet from Milk and teleport back to the castle. There, Coco and Nuts are shown trapped in mirrors, and Shadow taunts them before explaining that they came to the Mirror Kingdom so they could quickly collect all 55 Pinkies. They hold the Dream Collet up and the mirrors scattered around the room change to show all the Pinkies scattered around the world (very convenient that they’re all by reflective surfaces). They get sucked into the mirror, into the Mirror Kingdom, and then into the Dream Collet! Coco is sad because he’s helpless to stop this and thinks he may never see Nozomi’s smile again.

The Dark Precure fights resume, and they’re getting brutal, but the tide is starting to turn in favor of our heroines. Dark Dream says she’s an exact copy of Nozomi, but without her weaknesses. However, Nozomi turns it around and says Dark Dream is a clone of a past version of her, she continues to improve herself and she’s stronger than she was yesterday, an hour ago, a minute or even a second ago. It’s a damn good line.

The other girls also question the motivations of their counterparts and explain that having friends is what motivates them and makes them strong. We cut back to Milk and the bears. Milk wants to follow Shadow to save Coco and Nuts and recover the Dream Collet, but Migirin and Hidarin are too scared to go with her, feeling too weak and pointing out even Precure couldn’t do it. Milk scolds them for not wanting to save their own kingdom and sets off on her own. She makes it to Shadow’s castle, and Migirin and Hidarin show up after all to help her.

Nozomi and Dark Dream continue to fight, and Dark Dream’s confidence gives way to anger, confusion, and grief that she doesn’t have anyone she cares about like Nozomi does. Rin, Urara, Komachi, and Karen all manage to defeat their dark counterparts with the strength brought on by their friendship and confidence, recovering the crystals used to create them in the process. Dark Dream attacks Nozomi out of desperation but her heart isn’t in it, and Nozomi effortlessly swats the attack away. Dark Dream falls to her knees, crying about not understanding human feelings like love and friendship, and instead of fighting her, Nozomi offers her a hand and says she can learn, that Nozomi can teach her, and then invites her to return to fight Shadow with them. In the desert, all five mirrors break and the girls emerge from them. Rouge, Lemonade, Mint, and Aqua are surprised to see Dark Dream come out with Dream, and Dark Dream is clearly uncomfortable, but Nozomi says she’s a friend and that’s the end of that. The six girls run off to Shadow’s castle, and arrive just in time to save the mascots from a destructive attack by Shadow. However, Shadow boasts that it’s too late because they’ve already collected all the Pinkies, and they make their wish to become the ruler of the world. Power courses into the Dream Collet, the cures brace themselves, and then.... nothing happens. 

Lemonade remembers the Pinky that she caught earlier which is still in her Pinky Catch, so Shadow can’t have all 55 of them and therefore their wish didn’t come true. Undeterred, Shadow lashes out at the team, lunging straight at Dark Dream and brutally punching her in the stomach, but quickly separates the other girls, and paralyzes Dream. Shadow moves to destroy Dream but Dark Dream moves in front of her and takes the blow instead, cracking the jewel in her chest. Nozomi is freed from the restraint and holds her copy in her arms, begging to know why she saved her. Dark Dream responds that it’s because she likes Nozomi, and after all, she’s just a copy. Nozomi says she’s not a copy, she’s her friend, but it’s too late, and Dark Dream starts to glow and fade away, leaving behind only her crystal. Shadow remarks that Dark Dream was a traitor who had it coming, but Nozomi will not take this slander against one of her friends, and through her tears she fights Shadow, delivering a good kick to their stomach before performing Crystal Shoot, seemingly defeating the villain.

Dream turns to Migirin and Hidarin and asks them to use the Miracle Lights to free Coco and Nuts, which they do. She embraces Coco and reminds him that she said she’d find him, no matter where or how. Their reunion is short lived, though, as Shadow stands up, cursing the Precures, and transforms into their true form: giant, buffer, and now with long red hair for some reason. They attack the Precures, and then launch a huge energy ball, but Migirin and Hidarin step in to block it with the Miracle Lights, proclaiming that they’re no longer afraid of Shadow. Then they turn their miracle lights on the Precure,  wishing to grant them the strength to defeat Shadow. Migirin and HIdarin aren’t strong enough, so they ask for help. Coco, Nuts, and Milk help to! So does the audience! You! Yes you reading this right now, wave your miracle light and give the Precure power!

Well everyone’s wishes come together to grant the Precure new power, and they metamorphose into Super Precure. (I’m serious, they literally cocoon up and then emerge with new outfits and sprout butterfly wings.) Then they perform Precure Five Explosion, against Shadow’s protests of overwhelming power. They explain it isn’t just their power, but the power everyone gave them, the power of everyone’s hearts and courage becoming one! Shadow is no match for the combined strength of everybody, and disintegrates.

Afterwards, the cures use their butterfly wings to carry the five crystals back to their pedestal mounts in the throne room. The pink crystal notably has a large fracture in it, a lasting reminder of Dark Dream’s short and tragic existence. With all the crystals restored, the Kingdom of Mirrors returns to its natural beautiful state, a land of greenery and crystals poking up from the ground, and the inhabitants are freed from their prisons. Urara, Komachi, and Karen comment on how beautiful it is. Inside the throne room, Nozomi stares wistfully at the pink crystal, recalling her short-lived friendship with Dark Dream. Rin and Urara call her to go to the celebration party, and as she runs out of the room, the camera does a slow zoom in on the cracked crystal while the ending theme begins to play.

The ending itself is Ganbalance de Dance again, but the girls are in their princess gowns, while the fairies are wearing their corresponding garb, and Migirin and Hidarin make a few appearances.

The Analysis

The three movies from the “Futari wa” shows in 2005-2006 were all about the girls overcoming internal conflict to become better friends with each other, and each of them did it in a somewhat different way. You could certainly explore that dynamic with a larger team, and in fact the show did just that in episodes 23-24, but instead this movie derives its conflict from the girls’ own personalities. They’re not fighting each other, they’re fighting themselves, and recognizing their supposed weaknesses as strengths. In this way, they achieve growth. It’s a great character exploration and shows what teamwork means in a larger group setting. Additionally, the story is well-paced and flows naturally from one event to the next without ever lagging, but it also gives you some necessary breathing room in between dramatic moments. As we’ve come to expect, the animation is generally much better than the television series, and the fights look phenomenal. The aspects I find less enjoyable are mostly to do with the fairies and the merchandising, and a bit of a rushed finale.

The major themes of this movie are friendship, trust, redemption, and growth. Friendship is the most obvious one, because it’s at the core of this entire franchise. The bond that each member of the team has with the others is their greatest strength and what allows them to push past their own limits. It’s what clues Nozomi in that Coco and Nuts are missing. It’s what the Dark Precures are missing which leads to their defeat, and it’s also what allows Nozomi to befriend Dark Dream rather than defeating her. We are shown time and again that having people to support you is the most wonderful thing imaginable. Trust is perhaps both the most broad and the most limited theme in this film. It’s closely connected to friendship and you can see it overlap with that a lot. Because of their friendship, each girl trusts that the others are winning their battles against their counterparts as well. However, a small place where it heavily applies that’s easy to overlook is during Nozomi and Coco’s moment alone in the hall of mirrors. They promise they’ll always find each other no matter what they look like or where they go. True to her word, as soon as Nozomi realizes Coco has been replaced with an imposter, her only goal is finding the real deal, and Coco has unwavering trust in her to do it. It’s a powerful moment that gets lost in the commotion of the movie, but I love it.

The Dark Precures are easily the most famous aspect of this film, with good reason. The idea of an evil twin is an ancient storytelling technique, and it remains very effective, because it can simplify character design by allowing you to base your evil character on an existing protagonist while letting you deviate in small or large ways from their design as needed. It's also be a convenient way to explore and develop a character’s personality by having them face off against someone of a similar, but twisted, ideology. A case could be made that the Kiryuus in Splash Star were a form of villain counterpart Precures without being explicit copies of the heroines, but these are the first to be directly and transparently copies of the heroines, and of the three full dark teams as of this writing (Yes 5, Heartcatch, and Smile) they’re the best fleshed out. Each of them represents a quirk of their doppelganger, but turned selfish.

Dark Dream is devoid of aspirations and joy

Dark Rouge believes friends prevent you from being your true self

Dark Lemonade feels that trying to entertain others is a waste of effort.

Dark Mint believes the best defense is a good offense, and protection is a weak ability

Dark Aqua thinks that friends keep you from growing stronger

They gloat about being better because they don’t have the dependency on friends, but most of them go down precisely because the heroines feel empowered by being in a team, even when fighting alone. Each of the heroines recognizes that their strength comes from having friends to protect and fight alongside, that friends help you grow and improve yourself. The hubris of the Dark Cures is ultimately their undoing and it ties back into the film’s central themes of friendship. This is explored clearly across all five fights by careful editing, which involves giving each battle a little bit of time in focus before changing perspectives. We hear short exchanges between the original and dark cures, and sometimes conversations are continued between battles, as their debates are very similar. Ultimately, the Cures’ confidence in their friends is what allows them to succeed over their counterparts, as just having faith is enough of a motivator and a power boost to keep them going, and each fight concludes with the girls accepting and explaining how the flaw the Dark Cures see in them is actually their greatest strength. It’s beautiful. I was particularly moved by Komachi and Karen’s statements to their doppelgangers. Komachi said “I wanted to protect you, too,” as Dark Mint disappeared in her arms, which is a powerful rebuttal to an opponent who criticized her for only protecting herself, and you could feel Komachi’s regret. Meanwhile, Karen told Dark Aqua that her dark version reminded her of herself before she made friends, and therefore she wants to surpass that version of herself, which speaks to Karen’s growth both on and off the screen.

Nozomi and Dark Dream’s battle, however, is on a different level from the others. Dark Dream was actually a reflection of Nozomi herself rather than Cure Dream, she was around for longer than the others and got to see Nozomi just hanging out with her friends being happy, so she has the most fleshed out personality and perspective while the rest of the Dark Precures were created and immediately thrown into battle. Consequently, Dark Dream starts out cynical about Nozomi’s friendships, but when Nozomi begins to show how her friends help her grow and improve herself constantly, Dark Dream begins to falter. Her confidence turns to anguish as she bemoans her lack of understanding about friendship, happiness, laughter, sadness, sorrow, or any other emotions. She was created to fight and that’s all she knows how to do. But instead of destroying her, Nozomi offers to help her learn these things, and this act of kindness shakes Dark Dream to her core. Her reason to exist has been stripped away, but Nozomi has given her a chance to be more than just a clone made for destruction. More amazingly, the other Precures accept her as well. As soon as Nozomi declares her a friend, they all accept her as one of their rank and proceed to fight Shadow. For the first time in her life, she’s not just needed, she’s wanted, and this shows off the depths of Nozomi’s compassion and her power to unite people. Unfortunately, just when Dark Dream has found someplace she belongs and people who care about her, she makes the ultimate sacrifice to save Nozomi, and that breaks my heart. Her story mirrors that of Kiriya, someone else who was created for evil, but through the compassion and kindness of the heroines, tried to forge a different path, only to die before he could truly make a new life for himself. It’s the same kind of tragedy, that of unfulfilled potential, and it’s a mature plot direction for this series. It hurts but I applaud the writers for it. I also love that Nozomi doesn’t forget this at the end. Nozomi made a new friend, that friend died so she could survive, and the ending where she stares at the pink crystal with only the bottom of her face visible really gets to me. I’m not sure if it’s symbolic that she’s lost a part of herself or if it’s because eyes are major sources of expression and hiding them enforces that she’s not her usual happy self, but it’s excellent framing and it contrasts well with the happy face she puts on when Rin and Urara summon her for the party.

Additionally, this scene of Dark Dream’s desperate attack is beautiful, primarily in how the audio cuts out from the moment she throws it until it hits the ferris wheel. It’s an excellent use of silence.

Beyond having ideals that clash with those of the Precure 5, the Dark Precure also have their own spin on special attacks. The butterfly motifs are gone entirely, Dark Dream simply lobs a ball of energy around, Dark Rouge shoots fireballs and can use a phoenix attack, Dark Lemonade creates blades by kicking her feet and can decimate with her singing, Dark Mint launches orbs that can pierce barriers, and Dark Aqua uses an energy staff, and later a sword. In some respects they resemble the Cures’ attacks and in others they’re completely opposite. It’s a clever and imaginative use of each girl’s powers.

The combat sequences are some of the best I’ve seen in any movie so far, with the characters alternating between rapid-fire punching and kicking and their energy attacks. Each battle takes place in a unique environment, which lets the perspective switch rapidly between fights without confusing the audience, and the director keeps an excellent balance between them, only staying a few minutes at each before changing perspective. Dream fights in a carnival, primarily by a ferris wheel (which could be the one seen at the Princess Land), Rouge fights in space on a bunch of floating orbs, Lemonade and Mint both fight in cities surrounded by buildings and parks, and Aqua fights in a flowery meadow.

The other villain of the movie, Shadow, offers very little to discuss. They’re a power-hungry tyrant with no motivation other than to rule over everything. They’re super over-the-top in their mannerisms, very sadistic, mocking, and uncaring about anybody else. They view the Dark Precures as nothing but tools and they feel no remorse for their defeat. We know nothing about their history or what led them to become this way, and since most of the movie is them pushing other people around or letting the Dark Cures fight on their behalf, we don’t get the chance to explore their motivations deeper than the surface level. Shadow is a decent fighter, at least, when they go toe-to-toe with the Precure they demonstrate immense speed and of course their glyphs are able to both restrain opponents and teleport small objects. It’s good to have a five-on-one fight against a human-sized opponent after spending half the movie in solo fights, it shows how strong Shadow is, but ultimately of course the Precure overpower them, driven on by the death of Dark Dream. I enjoy seeing them gloat and ham it up but they’re less compelling than their predecessors Sirloin, Freezen and Frozen, and maybe even the Dark Witch. This of course is due to Shadow’s lesser screentime, since the Dark Precures are the main attraction of this film, but I still wish they’d gotten a little more time in the limelight.

The other new characters of this film are the denizens of the Mirror Kingdom, Migirin and Hidarin. They are annoying and I do not like them. I take pleasure in seeing Milk slap the shit out of them.

They are voiced by a comedy duo called “The Touch” who are real-life twins named Takuya and Kazuya. Their line delivery is very bland and, frankly, they’re boring characters. Their main gimmicks are speaking in sync or finishing each other’s sentences, and their only character trait is cowardice that they have to learn to overcome. Beyond that they’re only in the movie to have an in-universe explanation for the Miracle Lights.

Let’s address the elephant in the room here. This is the very first Precure movie to have Miracle Lights. Almost every movie after this will also include a new Miracle Light, so get used to them. I wrote a long explanation on PCD Status that you can read, but the short version is that kids in the audience receive a real Miracle Light with their ticket purchase, and at key points in the movie they’re supposed to light it up and wave it in the air, giving the Precure power in a simple form of audience participation. In this film they mask the fourth wall breaks pretty well by having Nozomi turn towards the fairies when she asks for help, even if she’s facing the camera. It’s just enough plausible deniability to not break the immersion.

The plot of the film is really good until about the last fifth, and then as I alluded to earlier it gets rushed and kind of muddy. The entire prologue and the sequence at the Princess Land is the kind of wonderful fun, comedy, and antics I’ve grown to expect from this show. It highlights all their characters wonderfully and you get some small, tender moments as well. Karen and Milk’s close friendship is on full display, Komachi pushes Nuts away from a mirror that makes the viewer look fat because she doesn’t want to see him that way, and of course there’s Nozomi and Coco’s comments about detecting and finding each other. My two personal favorite shots are the bit with Urara, Komachi, Karen, and Milk performing a hime laugh because it’s just so wonderfully absurd.

And then my other is personal bias, but during the princess crowning, Rin manages to outrun all the boys. If you’ve been in the fandom you may have heard the joke “Nobody loves Rin,” which relates to the other four girls each having an official or widely accepted shipping partner (Nozomi and Coco, Urara and Syrup, Komachi and Nuts, Karen and Kurumi). Well my rebuttal to this, based on this scene, is that Rin has no partner because there’s nobody good enough for her yet. We stan best girl!

The interrogation at Natts House is good, and of course when they arrive in the Mirror Kingdom they’re almost immediately confronted with Shadow and the Dark Cures, who I gushed about above. The part where I believe the film starts to crack just a bit and the pacing hurts is after the defeat of Dark Dream. Shadow goes down really quickly, and then once the team turns into Super Precure, they almost immediately perform Five Explosion. From the time the six girls confront Shadow in the castle to Shadow’s defeat is about 10 minutes of a 70 minute movie, and 5 minutes in the middle of that is Miracle Light shenanigans and Shadow transforming. Most of the rest of the fight is the Five Explosion stock sequence, and whereas normally the Cures would deliver some epic speech before they land the final blow, this time their righteous lecture is rather short, saying that the power is everyone’s power. It’s effective but it feels truncated.

I found the soundtrack to this movie to be.... largely uninspiring. It wasn’t bad or anything, but it just seems to be remixed or rerecorded tracks from the show’s BGM., but listening to the OST there was only one track that really hit that sweet spot in my brain. It’s “Surpassing my Past Self”, track 18, and I like how everything in it builds up. You’ve got strings for the melody backed by rhythm guitar, joined later by brass, and then the guitar starts to take a more active role in the tune as it ramps up in intensity. This is the song that plays when Nozomi is winning against Dark Dream and starting to persuade her, when she makes her epic speech about being stronger than she was before. This song sticks out to me in a way that nothing else does.

Visually the movie is gorgeous, with some occasional hiccups into TV quality, but of course the movie budget overall means they get to do more than they can with a weekly TV show. Check out the opening sequence and all the little details in it!

I especially love this bit from just before the title card where the girls’ portraits flip around to show the dark cures.

you can find a higher resolution version of this gif in the gallery

Curiously, there are still some animation shortcuts taken, like during this shot where the camera zooms in on the double doors and you can clearly see the transition between the low-detail wide shot and the high-detail close-up. I know why they did it but I wish it was smoother.

Something I find really clever is that when Shadow first creates Dark Dream in the pink crystal, the silhouette that is generated is just Nozomi in her school uniform, she doesn’t take on her new appearance until she’s fully formed.

The designs of the Dark 5 are really good and I could probably gush about them for another week, but in a nutshell they manage to effectively invert the aesthetics of the Precures, replacing cream with black, and their outfits are different from each other’s in a lot of the same ways that the main team are. Dark Dream has a two-piece outfit, Dark Lemonade’s skirt is a bit different, Dark Mint and Aqua have a band of color around their waist that the others lack, things of that nature. They’re distinct from their counterparts and from each other, which is more than can be said about their dark successors.

Dark Dream, in her civilian guise, is also an incredible design. Gothic lolita is a great look and I think it’d be cool if the franchise would utilize it a little more often.

The lace-front maroon dress with a flower petal skirt is very nice, and the black petticoat accentuates it. The headdress with roses compliments the purple bow and also reflects Nozomi’s small pigtails, and her purple lipstick and eyeshadow bring it all together. It’s almost a shame she loses the makeup when she transforms.

The Super Precure designs are nice. Not as elaborate as the Phoenix Forms from the second Max Heart film, but I appreciate the subtle redesigns.

Obviously the butterfly wings are the most prominent element, but their sleeves are longer and frillier than on their normal outfits, which means the stock sequence for Five Explosion had to be largely reanimated..... and this means the coloring error with the Lemonade Castanet is fixed!

And my last art/animation comment is to point out that there sure are a lot of stomach attacks in this film!

Some other bookkeeping: the Dark Precures are voiced by different actresses than those who play the protagonists, and this is the only time that happens, because future Dark Cures will share an actor with their counterpart. Some of them have had supporting voice parts in previous Precure seasons, and all five of them will have roles in future seasons, though again some are small parts. The most notable ones are Nishimura Chinami as Dark Dream, she would later play Aoki Reika/Cure Beauty in Smile Precure (and therefore Bad End Beauty as well); and Kugimiya Rie as Dark Lemonade, who later portrays Madoka Aguri/Cure Ace in Dokidoki Precure. The others are: Minaguchi Yuko as Dark Mint, who plays Flora in Precure 5 GoGo; Kiuchi Reiko as Dark Aqua, who previously played Kiriya in Futari wa Precure, and Nagasawa Miki as Dark Rouge, both of whom will play characters-of-the-week in Heartcatch Precure.

By the way, according to the Precure Wiki, there was a scene after the credits in the theatrical version that showed the Dark Precures being revived, however I cannot find any legitimate citation for this, and it’s also not mentioned in the Japanese wikipedia article for the film, so I’m considering that claim false unless more reliable information surfaces.

Overall this movie is excellent and once again it raises the bar for what you can achieve in a Precure movie. It features fun hijinks and high-stakes emotional drama! It tackles the doppelganger idea better than any subsequent series due to the possibilities of film and the artwork is great. If you haven’t seen it, go check it out!

Next time, in Precure Daily, we return to the main plot as Despariah appears before the girls! Look forward to it!

Pink Precure Catchphrase Count: 1 kettei!

[the-queer-look]

Perceive me as Art

Name: Jess Age: 23 Location: Rosebery Occupation: Administrator Sexual Orientation: Bisexual Gender: Non-Binary

I’m usually in long, black clothing. Something that accentuates the paleness of my skin and my tattoos, whatever makes me look as spooky as possible with as little colour as possible. I’m not a big colour person, I like to accentuate more with accessories and makeup than coloured fabric, not for any real reason, I just think that black is a lot more fun. I used to be more into very fitted clothing, but I’m not experimented with different shapes and cuts of things to see how they work on me. I used to try to fit into a very specific mould when I was younger, but now I’m experimenting with things that are more fun and edgy.

When I was thirteen I was enrolled into an all girls school and I realised pretty quickly that I didn’t think about boys the same way that others did. I wasn’t interested in them, I was more taken with how beautiful women were, and just just assumed that everyone had these thoughts. I thought I’d just grow out of it, but I never did, and eventually had to face the fact that I was definitely romantically, or at least sexually inclined towards women. It was something I’d never considered before, having come from a very conservative household; so being not straight made me feel like everything was going to fall apart if I came out to them, so I kept it quiet for a few years.

It took a long time between coming out and actually going to queer events, because I was so insecure about it. I didn’t want to be anything but straight; being straight felt like the easiest route through life – my parents were straight and had a safe, happy life – I was worried that by coming out as bisexual I was opening myself up to rejection from my peers. I was only once I started actively looking into queer culture and speaking to other people who identified as bisexual, or were also questioning their sexuality that I began to relax about it. It was nice to start not giving a shit about being conventionally attractive to straight people – being attractive to queer people is like a rebellion. I’m not going to be this perfect heterosexual person, I’m going to start dressing gay and acting gay because I’m tired of pretending to be this perfect caricature of a woman for someone to look at.

Once I came out I became much more vocal about being gay, and more firm in my stance of being bisexual. I realised that I didn’t not like men, I just wasn’t as attracted to them at the time as I was to women. I’ve come to appreciate men now but there’s a bit of “you’re either straight or you’re gay” no in between, especially when I was first coming out. I really wanted to feel that I belonged somewhere, but these people who were so supportive to hear that I was into women, would turn on a dime when I said that I was bisexual and just say that I was confused, or that bisexuality doesn’t exist. It was jarring to find the reactions that I expected from my parents to instead come from the queer community.

When I was still pretending to be straight I had very long hair, I wore very fitted clothing, deep plunge necklines, just accentuating the fact that I had boobs and a bum. I was always insecure about being so tall and muscular compared to my very petite friends, which had me feeling like a giantess, leaving me feeling very unattractive. Once I came out I started getting more bold, experimenting with makeup more, wearing bigger eyeliner, cutting my hair different and dressing more androgynously. I’m wearing boots, converse, pants, I’m prone to wearing a band tee and being an interesting and dynamic person to look at rather than something for someone to fuck. I want to be perceived as an art piece.

I’ve felt connected to androgyny a lot when I was younger – I never really liked girly things, I never vibed with princesses and ponies, I was instead into monsters and grungy things. I loved Baphomet as a kid because it was this frightening demon that wasn’t male or female, no human or beast, but something in between and I loved it. I started thinking about my gender and I’ve never felt that my body doesn’t fit me, but I felt that within myself I ma not fully female. I’m somewhere somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, mucking about with pronouns to see what fits. Whilst I like femininity, and I like performing it and am appreciative of feminine energy, I don’t feel that I am not fully connected with it. I’m a step removed from feminine.

Being queer, for me, is a way to express myself freely without feeling like I have to fit into a mould. When I was younger I was very focussed on being the straight down the middle, normal heterosexual girl. When I realised that I couldn’t be straight, and I couldn’t live my life in the closet I decided to embrace it. Luckily I had a very supportive family – I never actually came out to them properly, I just let it slip one day. Being queer is being fully yourself without the pressure to be or act a certain way. It’s a very low pressure, loving community as long as you are being communicative. Queer people seek to understand you rather than pressure you into being a certain way. I feel rescued by the queer community.

I was at a party recently and had only just come to the conclusion that I was non-binary, and let it slip to someone “Hey, I think I’m non-binary, but I don’t really know how to tell anyone.” They said “Babe, don’t even worry about it, you don’t need to tell anyone anything, you know who you are, you tell me what you want me to call you and I will do it because I know that whatever it is that you’re feeling you’ve thought about, you know in your heart and I want to support you.” - I was so touched by it because it was someone I’d never met before and she was so sweet to me.

While I love the queer community and partying with them, I don’t feel super involved. I feel very connected with the queer community though, the warmth and acceptance that you feel walking into a queer event is so invigorating.

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[technooccult]

Womxn Mho Make Spiritual Machines--Jess Rowland

For my dissertation, I’m interviewing womxn in the performance art and music worlds who make spiritual machines, whatever that means to them.

1)Tell me how your performances tie into causes and ideas that are important to you personally? What are those ideas and causes?

I started out in a San Francisco scene that was anti-capitalist and anti-consumer. This experience deepened a line of thought I was already committed to - and I probably, on some subconscious level, was drawn to the community I found in the Bay Area. This was in the 90s, fyi, and since then a lot has changed. Some of the folks are still there, but most have moved on. A lot of my performance work is tied to an exploration of consumerism - I never really got into the more overtly political anti-capitalist thing. I grew up in a suburban world where consumerism was everything. It felt like to me a substitute for substance and a substitute for love. The idea that Ronald McDonald would stand in for your father, and that the bliss-point of snack food would make up for real meaning in one's life. I told people that corporations hated humanity. Most people disagree, but I still think it is largely true if you look at what consumerism has done to the planet. It's a lot of what Kurt Vonegut was talking about - How do you explain what people do to the planet and each other? The only answer he could make sense of was that people actually hated being alive and wanted it to stop. I saw my thinking as a continuation of that line of thinking. He was mostly talking about nuclear weapons, but I saw it more as the effect of consumerism and corporate American-style capitalism.

So, when I perform the eating of a bag of snack food, I'm acting out that process of how we take in consumerism as a substitute for nourishment and love, and that includes self-love. when I do the googlespreadsheet sonification, I'm talking about work, as in 9-to-5, and its emptiness. Sofy, you probably don't know this work, but I used to do a lot of video/music improv like "McDonaldland is Changing" and "John Ashcroft vs. the Space Librarians" and "The Barbie Explosion". This was my thinking mostly as I started out in performance, and I still explore that theme, though it has changed over time.

"McDonaldland is Changing" and "John Ashcroft vs. the Space Librarians" and

What has changed in the idea of the work is then - how does consumerism and work and consumer technology affect our body. Especially the body that wants to be expressed, for me that is Woman-ness and Woman power. When i think about how these forces of capital and consumption act on myself, I see the way the systems that are in place act against: transness, queerness, and the female body. Much of my adult life has been committed to expressing the feminine in myself. This is fundamentally a feminist, or trans-feminist perspective on consumerism. And, since consumerism acts - in our society - on the deepest levels of our being - how negative perceptions of the self work for capital and how love, if it is possible, can counter that. I hope when I perform ,there is a little bit of that love that can reach the audience, even in the darkest, most excorcism kinds of performance. Maybe there is a purging, the way to remove things from the deep insides.

These days, consumerism largely acts through technologies, cell phones, computers, etc. When I perform the laptop destruction or cellphone thing, it's an attempt at purging as a feminist action.

2)What are your thoughts on queer and feminist visibility? How do you express it in your work?

i think I might have just answered part of this question. Visibility = good! When i perform it is important that I am seen, that is part of the process of a ritual of purging. But more generally, I feel that trans visibility and trans-feminine energy needs to be out and about.

3)Can you describe your spirituality (or thoughts you have on spirituality) and how you express it/perform it in your work?

This is a big one Sofy! Growing up, i considered myself a Taoist, and largely I still do - at least as a spiritual practice. As a kid, i had an experience with music that was a sort of spiritual awakening, and when I started reading about Taoism, I realized it coincided with the kind of experience I had. I sometimes think of this as a sort of "musical taoism". The basic idea, if it is possible to express, is that the universe is energy which flows through everything and is, in fact, everything. Creativity allows us to tap into this energy, the way a radio can tune into a radio station. The truer you are to the moment you are in, the less the ego demands to assert itself, the less you fight against the natural power of that energy, the more that energy can work in a positive way in your life, but most import for us artists - the more you are in touch with the source of creation. and for me, this expresses itself mostly in music. This is where my commitment to improvised music started. In San Francisco, I had a band called Spork, which was committed to this idea. It was (at least at first) a 100% improvised ensemble. We never played the same music twice, because no two moments are the same. when we were in touch with the power of that energy, we felt it and it shows in the music. I'm still committed to improvisation, and it acts in my performance as a force which can counter consumerism, conformity, and surface-awareness. The energy of the universe I consider primarily a feminine force, and - as you know so well - we have our group dedicated to the Electromagnetic Goddess.

"The Barbie Explosion"https://www.discogs.com/Jess-Rowland-Scenes-From-The-Silent-Revolution/release/3879362

overall speaker stuffhttp://www.jessrowland.com/art/

music for earringshttp://www.jessrowland.com/music-for-earrings/ laptop destructohttps://vimeo.com/154124264

piano rollhttps://vimeo.com/249305849

Electromagnetism and the spirituality of electromagnetism is huge in my practice. In addition to the Bunker, my art practice focuses a lot on homemade paper speakers and other unexpected sound-making objects using embedded circuitry, all relying on electromagnetism. These are technological objects. But they stand against consumer technology. It is a feminist statement against the system of technology which corporations try to force us into. this work is also essential an expression of my particular journey as a trans person: it explores voice as hidden impulse, a speaker where no speaker is allowed, sound made manifest. Quite often my works require interactivity to activate sound, the active search for the truth of bodies that are otherwise hidden, bodies inhabited by sound. A good example of how this feminist critic of music technology plays out, is my audio jewelry and music for body space. a vast majority of music technology has a masculinist-aesthetic, a robocop or terminator kind of feel to it. With the audio jewelry I wanted to challenge that aesthetic explicitly. I created some music for the audio jewelry, a four channel spatialized piece (2 earrings, a necklace, and a bracelet). In making the music, I played off the idea of an "etheric body", the aura that supposedly surrounds the body. The music is meant to generate a sound-field to protect the feminine body, or as I sometimes call it "sound perfume".

My circuit prints are often stand-ins for the body, and the electromagnetism contained therein is a stand-in (or might literally be!) spirit. The foil surfaces are meant to act like the metallic gold leafs and precious stone inks of Illuminated Manuscripts, as a connection point to deeper truths.

I'm currently reading "The Mysticism of Sound and Music" by Hazrat Inayat Khan,a Sufi musician and mystic, which expresses these ideas - and more! - about sound as the source of all power and the center of the body in ways better than I could. It is interesting to see so many of the thoughts I've had about sound as a spiritual power from a taoist perspective, be matched from the perspective of Sufism, a different (though slightly connected) spiritual tradition than Taoism.

"The Mysticism of Sound and Music" by Hazrat Inayat Khan https://www.shambhala.com/the-mysticism-of-sound-and-music-1071.html

Snaxxx https://vimeo.com/319382872

4)Tell me about your electronic techniques, hardware or software configurations or objects you have made to create your unique sound. Basically I am curious about the tools of your trade as, on the technical side this is a very NIME-like round up of performers. You can speak about a particular piece or your practice at large.

These days, I use Max a lot. Though I use it in a specific way - as a controller of sound, but not as a content-creating device. Snaxxx, for example, uses Max as a signal threshold detector for a contact mic on the snack bag. The detector then triggers pre-recorded sounds to play. The sounds themselves were recorded from a performance of feedback elements. Outside of Max, almost all my tools are analog, the input sound is analog and the output is often played through analog materials. In this way, I think of my technology practice quite often as "postdigital". The paper speakers are probably the best representation of my kind of postdigital aesthetic. I use foils and magnets to create embedded circuitry, and some of these objects are intended for performance, at least of a sort. I have performed on the piano roll before, which uses circuit-completion with a foil backing on the piano roll, connected to a computer running Max. Again, using signal threshold, the circuit completion triggers pre-recorded sounds. I still rely on old-fashioned pedals, which often I find more effective and useful than staring at a Max patch for hours on end. Laptop Destruction uses contact mics hidden in the laptop to be sent through loop pedal, delay, reverb, and ring modulator. The cell phone piece uses induction - like our Bunker performance - and also contact mics on the cellphone. So: lots of contact mics, induction mics, analog signal generation and completion, often connected to Max.

5)Please provide me with a short bio

Jess Rowland is a sound artist, musician, and composer, and a 2018-20 Princeton Arts Fellow. Much of her work explores the relationship between technologies and popular culture, continually aiming to reconcile the world of art and the world of science. At UC Berkeley, she developed techniques for embedded sound and flexible speaker arrays. Her research includes music perception, auditory neurosciences, and music technologies. In addition to an active art practice, she has taught Sound Art at The School of Visual Arts in New York and continues to present her work internationally. Recent installations and performances include the New York Electronic Arts Festival, Simons Center for Geometry and Physics, Berkeley Art Museum, and Spectrum NYC.

[onceuponawildflower]

How has your sexuality affected your religiousness? I know when I first starting following you years ago you were very involved in the church. Please feel free to ignore this question if it is uncomfortable/too personal/whatever. I just know many people who are afraid to truly be themselves because of the judgement that typically comes from their church families (among others I’m sure)

no it’s okay i don’t mind answering.

a few years back, back when i was v involved in the church, i also got v involved in nonviolent protesting and political activism (circa the noDAPL movement, Bernie, the big swing into immigration rights we’ve recently seen, the Syrian genocide, and the rise of Trump, etc). the more i got involved in those things, the more i became alienated by the church. i was asked to be part of worship less and less, some people distanced themselves from me. 

it eventually got to a point where i talked to the pastors multiple times, asking them what we were going to be doing to take a stance on human injustices. they told me that, i kid you not, ‘what you’re doing on the left end is as extreme as the far-right wing.’ they told me they wanted to stay centrist and not take a stand. in my last encounter with them they told me that they loved me as a sister, but they wouldn’t ever talk about the issues i was passionate about bc it would ‘go over peoples’ heads’. i left before the service that day and almost immediately after, i was excommunicated. like i lost my entire friend group and church family, i was taken off of worship, my pastor left one inflammatory comment on something i posted on fb and then blocked me. it was a whole to-do which really hurt. but also made me livid. but also i was exhausted, having tried so hard to encourage people to care for others as their religion had always encouraged and kept being met with comfortable apathy…

so while i was kicked out of that church and that was a whole lot to deal with on all facets of my mind, body, and soul, i also see it to be a blessing bc it opened up this whole new world for me, one that i never even gave myself an option to believe previously. i explored all the facets of spirituality and mysticism that i knew very little about other than the christian church saying they were sinful and demonic (purely bc they weren’t protestantism). i also began to explore sexuality beyond the purity garbage force fed to christians. and that’s where it probably started.

once i realized it was okay to dismantle the crippling system imposed upon people, mostly womxn but also men, that told them that sexual purity was of utmost importance but the same system that never provided any sort of guidance through anything sexual, ever, i started to heal my own wounds of trauma and naivety and began to love myself. like my whole self. not just as a physical being but as a spiritual vessel and goddess soul resting in flesh. 

i still have a long way to go and christianity really does fuck you up with ego and self-doubt and guilt and perfectionism, but it can be healed. i started listening to jamie lee finch and reading more about spiritual mysticism. i got into tarot and witchcraft and i know a lot of christians out there are probably rolling their eyes or laughing at me rn when they read this, but there is SO MUCH knowledge and wisdom around us in the natural world, much more than a book written by a bunch of men thousands of years ago. women hold so much power and goodness and wisdom and divinity, but christianity has all but wiped them out and done all it can to invalidate and eradicate the feminine divine. 

that feminine divine however, is what gives me life. it fuels me. it reminds me of my agency. it reminds me of my power. 

while all of this awakening was happening spiritually, so was my sexual awakening. it came in little nudges, like i would see womxn and want to cuddle them or hold them or kiss them or have what i thought was platonic relationships (nonsexual, intellectual, emotional lifelong partnerships). it scared me at first. a lot. i actually remember actively denying it. but also kept asking my queer friends about this sensation. i didn’t want to be pan at first or anything not straight. i actively opposed it bc i couldn’t imagine having to go through that transition with my family or my own self. i have been pretty emotionally exhausted for years now, and i didn’t think i could take that on too. while i was lgbtq+ friendly and an ally, it can be a totally different experience when you realize you’ve been suppressing something deep deep down unconsciously for decades. it’s really hard to explain really, and it’s still relatively new to me so bare with me here, i’m still feeling it out. 

the more i ignored it however, the stronger it came on. at one point i surrendered to it. i couldn’t help but just embrace it bc otherwise i was lying to myself. i allowed myself to be open and honest with myself and that was terrifying, but also very liberating, just getting it out there and allowing my sexuality to exist in the same space as me. i tried to figure out what exactly i was feeling and if i could categorize this to help create some clarity (virgo here). what resonated most with me was pansexuality. it wasn’t like i was attracted to men and women and that was my marker. it was more like i was drawn to someone’s energy before i even considered their sexuality/gender. someone’s emotional presence and aura drew me in and everything else came second. it didn’t matter to me if they were mxn or womxn or something more fluid and in between. i just was there for the energy. 

so i’ve been ‘out’ to my friends for a few months now, but i don’t think i’ll ever tell my parents, at least, i don’t think i will. i just know them and while they love people they love them through that christian lens. i’m very jaded still and forgive me for that, i will definitely need to go to therapy once i get insurance to help move beyond this. they still have a lot of resistance with lgbtq people, and that makes me really sad. i can’t imagine even nodding to the subject bc i know that we’re not going to meet in the middle. both of their kids are really liberal and not christian despite their best efforts, and they have become slightly less conservative since i was young, but now they’re just where that church i was kicked out of was, right in the middle, unbudgingly. 

i suppose it works out for us now, since i am openly pansexual/queer and my partner is a heteronormative male (though not entirely cisgendered and he’s comfortable being whomever he wants to be and i love that about him). from the outside, we look like a heteronormative couple, which is cool and convenient for my family. honestly, since i left christianity, i’ve had a different relationship with my parents, and i miss how close we were. but i know it’s not going to change bc i have 0 desire to return to that religion and they have 0 desire to explore anything outside of it. what relationship we do have now is nice, in its own scope. i just wish i could be real and honest and open and deep with them and that they would go there with me. but that’s okay… i have friends who can meet me there and a supportive and open partner and so this is really the best it can get for me realistically. i am v grateful for the people i have in my life. 

i don’t stay in touch with literally anyone from that church. no one talks to me anymore. they’ve all cut me out and as they know they can’t pull me back in they’ve exited altogether. that’s the christian agenda though, no? it’s all about bringing people in (at its best). just like door to door sales, if they know they don’t have a chance of making that sale, they’ll stop wasting their time and move on. bigger fish to fry. it hurts that i was only a (black) sheep in their flock, but at the same time, i have grown so much since i realized i could think for myself and be okay and not crippled by lack of a deity. i have no desire to return, and if those people couldn’t accept me then, they sure as hell won’t accept me now. but i don’t want that sort of energy in my life. i want authenticity. i want realness. i want vulnerability and openness and unconditional love. if you’re not willing to bring that, then i don’t really want to invest in you. simple as that.

now i’m not saying the way things went down for me are how it should be for anyone else, but i do encourage you and anyone else out there to feel your feelings. don’t be afraid of them. walk into those murky waters, if even with trepidation and wariness, at least move forward. bc otherwise you’re stagnating and stagnant water is dangerous (and smelly). foster a community of those who want to join you in your journey, who love you without any agenda. it is hard and can be incredibly painful but i do believe it’s worth it to live a life true to yourself rather than lie to ourself to appease the comfort zones of others.

that’s all i got. 

[words-writ-in-starlight]

Hi! If you're okay with answering, I noticed you mention BetterHelp and want to ask how well it works for you - I also had a problem not pretending to be neurotypical around the one therapist I did try, and though online therapy is pretty much the only way to go in my current situation I feel like communicating over text/voice chat would only make it easier to me to keep doing that. I don't mean to ask for specifics you don't feel comfortable offering, but I'm curious as to how it works.

Well, let me say first of all: this is going to sound harsh, but like, at the end of the day, getting past the urge to act Fine with a therapist is on you.  Sometimes that means you do what I do in like 8 out of 10 therapy sessions and change my affect radically ten minutes in, when I go from “everything is fine and let me tell you a joke about what happened this week” to “actually my coworker called me a nickname that I hate for eleven hours the other day and I feel like my skin is crawling off my body and I don’t know how to learn to put up a fight about my name.”  A good therapist will roll with that sudden emotional switch.  If you tell a therapist from the get-go about this pre-existing issue of struggling to admit to your problems (refer to this post), they SHOULD tell you whether or not they can be a hardass with you about the situation.  But it’s still on you to put that problem on the table, AND it’s on you to be prepared to leave a therapist who’s not helping you.

All of that being said, I personally like BetterHelp.  In-person therapy is always best, because it gives someone a better grasp on your body language and your “energy” for lack of a better word, but BetterHelp offers three options for how to talk to your therapist (phone, text, and a low-to-moderately-reliable video call), which you can pick from based on the circumstances and what you can manage.  In theory you have the ability to contact your therapist over text pretty much whenever you want to.  I don’t use that function because “total inability to actually express when I need help and emotional support” is like.  My Whole Problem.  But it does exist and I like the theory of it, it’s a nice safety net even if you’re me and it took you five years to start walking the ten feet into your girlfriend-and-roommate-of-five-years’ room when you’re having a panic attack.

The things I like best about BetterHelp are as follows:

CHEAP(ER): You can pay weekly, monthly, quarterly, or yearly.  You pay less per session the more time you pay for.  So if you pay weekly, it’s $70 a week.  If you pay for a year plan, it’s $45 a week, billed monthly.  That’s still a chunk of change!  But compared to your most common $100-$160 per session in-person therapy rates, it’s a vast improvement.  Especially if you need more than one check-in a week.

LGBT+ SPECIFIC COUNSELING: BetterHelp actually has a sub-site called Pride Counseling, which is what I personally am subscribed to.  They counsel queer people.  That is all they do.  If you note that you are on the LGBT spectrum or questioning your gender/sexuality, BetterHelp will ask if you’d prefer to be redirected to Pride.  You don’t have to, but like.  It IS nice to talk to your counselor about how you don’t want to give your coworkers a gender theory lesson just to get them to call you by your name, and actually know they get what you’re saying.

LOTS OF THERAPISTS: You know what the DREAM scenario is for me, a person with social anxiety?  The ability to just ghost a therapist who isn’t working for me.  You know what BetterHelp lets me do?  Ghost therapists who aren’t working for me.  One of the two therapists I declined before I settled on my current counselor INSISTED on calling me Rhia, which is A) a nickname I hate and B) genuinely a trauma trigger.  Her stance when I brought this up was that I needed to get past it, because it’s such a cute femme nickname for my long and clunky first name.  Now...I don’t think so.  I hate being called feminine nicknames, I hate the name Rhia, and I hate the people who made me hate the name Rhia, and I think I reserve the right to just...not let people call me Rhia.  For whatever reason, she could not get that one through her head.  Which is where the whole “ghosting a therapist” thing comes in.  BetterHelp has an option to just...nope the fuck out of a therapist, without any conversation with them whatsoever, at any time, and the system will ask you in strict confidence to share why you don’t want to continue, so that you can let them know if there’s a serious problem.  Then it will rematch you with another therapist.  The DEGREE to which my stress level dropped when I realized I could just leave, without so much as explaining myself, was fucking profound.  BetterHelp has lots of counselors, with lots of specialties, and you can just bounce if one of them isn’t working for you.

So, yeah, I’d recommend it, especially if you’re someone like me who’s not good at making appointments, if you’re in a tight financial spot but still need something, or if you have an unpredictable schedule.  

....but it’s still your job to be honest with your therapist.

[smallnico]

your gender thing struck a cord with me in a way-in middle school i felt like i didnt want to be a girl, or that i wanted to be a girl and a boy (didnt know that was a thing at the time) bc i felt like being a girl was too limiting. i didnt identify with what i thought a girl was supposed to be. as i got older tho, i realized that i didnt have to be a certain way to still be a girl (part one)

(part two) and that all being a girl meant was identifying as one. so now i id as a woman, but recently still struggled with my gender identity. i realize after much analysis its not bc im trans, but bc gender roles are just SO limiting and there's still outside pressure and expectation to present and behave in ways that dont suit me, so being perceived as a woman, even tho i AM, makes me feel burdened.

(part 3) its not being a woman thats the issue, its what society thinks that should mean is so limiting and untruthful to who i am, that it sometimes makes that identity itself seem repellent to me. for me, i find a struggle to take back my womanhood and defend it from my own skewed views due to society. i dont need to perform my gender to be valid. so i dont see myself as "gnc" so much as gender role irreverent. I am who i am

part 4- i by no means mean to imply that people who feel uncomfortable with their gender are just struggling with internalized misogyny- i'm no terf, and hope i don't come across that way. This is just about my OWN very personal experience with struggling with feeling weirdly at odds with my gender despite being cis. and i'm sure me being queer has impacted this disconnect as well (u can post these if u like)

i think i will post these, because it also pretty much resonates beat for beat with my experience. the way i interpret “gender nonconforming girl” as a label is really also just “gender irrelevant”, i just prefer it for myself because it allows me the freedom of expressing comfort with my body and the way i was born while also dismissing the notion that i feel any sort of obligation to conform to the expectations of that gender. i am a girl, objectively, in the same sense that a trans girl is objectively a girl, because it’s how i’m comfortable identifying. i’m just not a Girl™. and that’s not like, a “i’m not like other girls” sort of internalized misogyny thing -- i have absolutely nothing against girls or femininity, traditional or otherwise, and i celebrate and support people who find it empowering -- it’s more a discomfort and resentment toward a flawed and limiting mode of human categorization.

but yeah, in middle and high school, it was kind of a thing i held against girls and femininity. i went out of my way to avoid wearing skirts and dresses and bright colours, i stopped shaving, i kept my hair short, all because i didn’t want people to think i was Trying To Be Feminine. i was torn between wanting to try wearing makeup and never wanting to touch the stuff because of its association with feminine expectations. i experimented with my gender identity because i didn’t know what i wanted to be, all i knew was that i didn’t want to be stuck performing femininity my whole life because as soon as i started doing it, it was what people expected me to keep doing. nowadays i sort of associate that internal conflict with choosing a life path when applying for university -- i didn’t know what i wanted to do in particular, all i knew was that i never wanted to be asked to do math again. i didn’t know how to feel about my gender, except that i was tired of being asked to Do Woman, because i wasn’t good at it and didn’t think it was worth the hassle. 

(sidenote, i agree that this is inalienably linked to my queer identity, and the other and better meaning of “do woman”. i’m bisexual, but i was first driven to consider queer sexuality as a part of my identity because i So So Badly did Not want to fill the role of “woman” in a relationship with a man, and realized that actually, maybe i don’t have to, because i’m also attracted to women and nonbinary folks. it’s taken me the better part of 7 years of sexuality questioning to accept that i’m also attracted to men for this reason.)

of course, it’s not like that anymore, my life’s gotten a lot better since i decided to stop putting any energy into gender performance and start putting energy into “just doing what i want with myself”. i wear skirts and dresses now, because i just decided to stop associating them with feminine presentation and start associating them with things like “cute stylish outfit” and “i don’t have to wear pants and nobody will care”. i haven’t shaved since high school, not because i’m rebelling against the concept of femininity, but because i just don’t like shaving. i don’t bother with makeup because i’m bad at it and don’t feel like any reward i get from it is worth the strain it would cause me, financially or energetically. i can’t stress enough how little gender (consciously) factors into any of the decisions i make about the way i present and socialize, to the point where if someone accuses me of being “unladylike” or whatever, my first emotional response to that is confusion, because i wasn’t considering gender as a factor in my behaviour to begin with. it’s not very exciting, but i dress and present and perform as androgynous mostly as a coincidence, cus that’s just what happens when i don’t care about filling the requirements to qualify for a certain identity. as always -- no shade to people who do find comfort in doing so. you’re valid, i love you, and i admire your resolve.

this of course, again, isn’t meant to discount or dismiss the experiences of anyone who doesn’t feel this way about gender. i’m also not unaware of the privilege i hold to not be given shit for the way i present -- i am white, slim, nonreligious, middle class, and afab, all things that factor into society’s general acceptance of my deviance from gender performance that may not factor into others’ experiences. i’m not here to tell anyone that they should be like me and also eschew gender-related identity concerns (though feel free to give it a try, if you think it’ll empower you to live your best life), and i’m aware that it isn’t as easy as just deciding not to care anymore. this isn’t advice, nor is it a guide to any sort of universal experience. it’s just my personal experience. 

but if it resonates with you, i’m always glad to help people feel like they’re not the only one. thanks for sending this in, anon! i hope it doesn’t seem like i’m trying to talk over you, or anything, i just wanted to expand on my earlier point, given that it struck a chord :>

[what-the-hekate]

The Becoming

There’s a lot I want to do with this blog, and I’m still putting it together in my head. I do know that I want to use it as a space to share my thoughts on witchcraft and related subjects, some of it centered around research into particular topics, and some of it just what I’ve been thinking about.

Right now, I have a lot of stray thoughts that aren’t ready to be developed into posts of their own. As I sat down to type some of them out and see where they went, I ended up running pretty far with a piece about my personal journey into witchcraft. And that seems as good a place as any to start.

I suppose I’ve always been attracted to the strange and supernatural, but I didn’t think of myself a witch (or even consider it) until I was a teenager. This was during the teen witch craze of the 1990s, when the movie The Craft and the TV series Charmed reintroduced the idea of witchcraft as something appealing and empowering to young women. I don’t remember which of my friends first got the idea to dabble in witchcraft; maybe it was me, maybe not. I do remember that someone got hold of a copy of a Silver RavenWolf book, probably Teen Witch, and that we had to pass it around because the girl who actually owned it was afraid her parents would find it in her room.

Looking back, I have mixed feelings about those books. I feel lucky that I was the right age at the right time to have that option offered to me—that I was a teenage girl in the 90s listening to Tori Amos and Liz Phair and Ani DiFranco and Paula Cole and Alanis Morissette, and that Buffy the Vampire Slayer was on TV, and that pop culture in general was telling me I had power at the point in my life when I could’ve felt the most powerless.

Which Witch? A wordgame

At the same time, I wish there had been a greater variety of voices to hear about witchcraft from. Silver RavenWolf may have been a driving force behind a generation’s interest in witchcraft and Wicca, but her books were also full of bad information and skewed heavily towards one version of witchcraft. She doesn’t clearly distinguish between “witch” and “Wiccan”, and I think the passage in To Ride a Silver Broomstick about her associations with those two words explains why, but I also think it’s important to be clear that they aren’t wholly interchangeable. You can be a witch and not be a Wiccan; her books are about how to be a Wiccan. That’s what I tried to be as a teenager, and ultimately it’s why I drifted away from witchcraft in general over the next few years.

(Let me go ahead and say: Wicca is right for some people, and that’s fine. It’s not right for me.)

Some of my aversion to the Wiccan version of being a witch is instinctual and was pinged early on. when I was reading those Silver RavenWolf books. For me, being a witch was about female empowerment and independence, so I was confused when I got to the bit about worshiping a dual deity, the Goddess and the God. I never gelled with the Horned God on any level. It wasn’t to do with the similarity to the Christian devil; I wasn’t raised religious and I had no particularly strong feelings about anything in the Christian universe. I just didn’t feel at all compelled to adopt a central deity (or two) in general, and I really wasn’t interested in a male one.

Nor did I really care for the heterosexual duality of the Goddess/God, and all the binary sexual symbolism of things like the Great Rite and chalices and athames. At the time, I wasn’t consciously aware that I was queer (probably because it just wasn’t a possibility that I was exposed to very much). But I reacted to this whole Goddess/God thing turning up in my magical female empowerment pretty much the same way I reacted to a romance subplot suddenly taking center stage in a book I was enjoying. It wasn’t a dealbreaker, but I couldn’t help being annoyed that it was distracting from the stuff I was really there for.

Honestly, what probably played the biggest overt role in my move away from Wicca was simply that it was a religion. I’m just not cut out for religions. I find them interesting, and there are pieces of them that work for me sometimes, but on the whole it’s just not something that’s ever going to be a part of my life. Wicca is a very demanding religion. It’s highly ritualized, from the major holidays (the eight sabbats, plus the 12-13 esbats) down to the daily practices of spellwork. There is just a lot to do, and a lot of specificity about when and how to do it. I have enough trouble disciplining myself to do the other things I’m obligated to do in my life, like work and school and errands and keeping my house reasonably tidy and eating a vegetable on a regular basis. I was way worse at this at 14 or 15 years old. I got tired of rituals fast.

So TL;DR, I did not end up being a Wiccan. And because I’d gotten the idea that, in real life, witch = Wiccan, I didn’t think of myself as a witch anymore, either. If I have any lasting bitterness toward that segment of my path, that’s it. The identity of “witch” was an empowering, beautiful thing that I wish I’d been able to keep in my life even after my dalliance with Wicca was over. There were definitely times I could’ve used it.

In the years after that, I kept on being a little spooky and magical and all the things I’d been that had drawn me to witchcraft in the first place, just without a central identity to pin it all to. It’s interesting how things drift in and out of focus and concreteness depending on whether they have a name. The witch fad gave way to something else the way fads do, Buffy and Charmed eventually ended, and I didn’t think much about witches again until recently.

There’s a lot to delve into about why witchcraft has its resurgences when it has them; probably there are already a lot of essays on the subject. But generally, I think you tend to find women thinking witchy thoughts at times when they’re particularly under threat.

Much of my early/middle-early adult life coincided with the Obama administration. I’d only become really aware of politics toward the end of the Bush era. When 9/11 happened, I was in the middle of an unrelated nervous breakdown and just did not have the spoons to think critically about political issues; I was also 16 years old. I didn’t realize how fucked up things like the PATRIOT Act were until years down the line. I was in the dark in more ways than one, dealing with undiagnosed depression and anxiety and having to claw my way up out of its depths without even medication to give me a boost.

A Musical Interlude: What does this have to do with witchcraft...?

Two things kept me just this side of insane when I was in the depths: writing and listening to music. Of the latter, I still had the female artists who’d taught me how to be a woman, thank fucking god for them. And as I was trying to find a foothold in the long slow climb out of my depressive pit, I’d come across a Finnish band called HIM; for whatever reason, their particular brand of gothy romantic macabre intellectual music was exactly what my soul resonated with at that moment. I realized that I could vibe with men sometimes, provided they were the type of men who wrote poetry and wore eyeliner and a lot of black. This is probably how I ended up listening to Nine Inch Nails.

I was aware of NIN, as anyone who experienced the 90s was; even if that wasn’t your particular scene, you heard “Closer”. A lot of women around my age credit David Bowie in Labyrinth for their early confusing sexuality-related experience; mine was probably the “Closer” video. I think this explains a lot about me. But besides that, I hadn’t paid much attention to NIN until I ran into them again in 2007 or so, when they were doing this crazy metafictional thing called Year Zero around their latest album. I don’t remember exactly how I found it; maybe via Lost, which had its own thing like that and led me to the niche narrative medium of alternate reality games. Anyway, it was highly political, which was not what I remembered NIN being about, and as I was listening through the band’s back catalog and reading a bazillion interviews with brooding, sarcastic, witty, thoughtful Trent Reznor (look, I’m not completely gay), I got sucked into this thing.

I don’t remember whether I read this while I was diving into Year Zero or after, but in some interview or other I found out that Trent had just come out of his own darkness. He’d struggled with drugs and depression and nearly died, and when he finally got his shit together, he realized how much he’d been oblivious to, in his own life and in the world around him. Year Zero was political because he’d woken up, and it woke me up.

It’s interesting to me now to think that female music and male music acted like an alternating current in my life, one then the other driving me forward, yet I got absolutely zilch out of the hetero-duality of Wicca. I don’t know what to tell you. It’s also interesting that the avatars of that dynamic in my life were Tori Amos and Trent Reznor, since they had an important impact on each others’ lives too (that I didn’t know about till much later). There’s a bit in Tori’s book Piece By Piece where she talks about reconciling with the angry masculine energies she was drawn to at points in her life (I can’t remember if she specifically mentions Trent in that part, but I assume it’s at least somewhat about him), and her realization that she had a need to tap into energy like that sometimes. If anyone is the embodiment of feminine power to me it’s Tori, and reading her words about needing to channel masculine rage did and does resonate with me about the time in my life when male artists’ energies were what I needed to survive and evolve.

So anyway, back on the path: my dark times led me to Nine Inch Nails which, while the music was also helping me heal my soul, also focused my brain on the world I’d been ignoring. I became aware of, and pissed off about, politics in no time flat. I devoured Naomi Wolf’s The End of America: Letter of Warning to a Young Patriot. I watched C-SPAN of my own volition. In short, I realized that the system is fucked up. I realized that the things happening in America were literally insane, and I knew insanity. I learned the word “patriarchy”, but I’d known the thing it named for a long, long time. This was also the point when I realized I’d exhausted my lifetime stores of patience for bullshit and being fucked with; they have not, to this day, been replenished.

And then, like a lot of people, I thought the Obama years meant everything was okay forever. I mean, god, I sure felt like I deserved a break. There were ups and downs even then, but I really had no idea how fast and how far we could plummet down again until 2016.

Witch 2: The Rewitchening

I don’t believe you can be a woman and be aware of what’s going on in the world and not be angry. As I write this, my home state of Alabama has just passed an amendment (which may be useless; we do have the longest mess of a constitution in the world) aimed at undermining women’s right to an abortion. We have a president who says the most vile things about women on a regular basis, and a new Supreme Court Justice who is a rapist. There are a lot of rapists. There are a lot of men who beat up their wives and girlfriends and then go on to shoot up a school or a nightclub or a shopping mall, and we keep acting surprised, and we keep forcing women to share custody with their abusers and berating them for being abused. Women, everywhere, are under attack.

If there’s a single predominant reason I came back to witchcraft now, and why I think a lot of women are coming to witchcraft now, this is it. We are threatened, and that idea of female empowerment and strength and the potential to be feared by those who would harm us and to be fearless... it is as potent and attractive to us now as it was in the 90s, and the 60s, and probably so many times before.

I am a witch. I don’t belong to a religion, and I don’t feel obligated to be a witch according to anyone’s definition but my own. My witchery is a product of the path I’ve taken to this point, and is highly focused around female empowerment; that said, I recognize that other people’s witchery has a different shape, and different (or no) gender, and is religious or isn’t, and I acknowledge and respect that, too. I have zero interest in telling anyone else how to be a witch, or whether they can be.

I started this blog because I need to express myself, but also because I want to contribute to a diversity of voices about witchcraft that wasn’t available to me as a teenager. I want to put things out there in case someone else needs them. Honestly, I’m writing and gathering all the things that will eventually be here for a hypothetical, imaginary-but-maybe-real young witch who is maybe just a ghost of my teenage past, to tell her the things I wish I could’ve heard, and just to remind her that no one can tell you how to be a witch, and no one should try, and that there are so many different ideas and beliefs and voices and experiences out there for her to learn from, including the ones inside herself.

That’s my origin story.

[jjasprtfjyghkj-blog]

what’s up y’all !! i’m nev and i like stephen king and horror and my cat and that’s literally all there is to me ✌️👏🗣 i’m so mcfUCKING HYPE to be here wOW anyway under the cut you’ll find some general info on my lil monster boi jasper and if u click HERE you can find his stats and some more detailed stuff abt him !!

✰ ·° ˑ ✕ ( troye sivan, cismale, he/him ) i think i saw JASPER PELLETIER back in newport beach. you know, the TWENTY year old who looks just like TROYE SIVAN. i heard they’re an upcoming JUNIOR at the SCHOOL OF THE ART INSTITUTE OF CHICAGO (SAIC) now, but that may have changed. known notoriously for being -PRETENTIOUS and -SARCASTIC, but yet they’re +ENTERPRISING and +QUICK-WITTED, but i’ve never personally knew them. i can tell you that INVINCIBLE by OK Go really reminds me of them. (nev, cst, she/her)

so jasper was born and raised here in newport beach. his dad is a hotshot psychologist with a private practice and his mom is a published poet who teaches poetry classes and workshops locally. despite their success, his parents are both rly grounded, good people who always made time for their kids. they never spoiled jasper and his sister with material things, instead it was spoiling them with travel and culture and learning, etc. stanley (his dad) is also deeply interested in philosphy, so he’s passed that love onto jasper

jas came out as gay when he was 14, a freshman in high school. he’d always ~known but was scared as HELL to come out. because of his more feminine features and what other kids called his “tells,” he was essentially forced out of the closet before he was ready. it was tough as hell for him, but thankfully when he came out to his parents and his sister they were beyond accepting and made that experience a little easier than it would otherwise have been. especially with two years of college under his belt now, he’s extremely open about and proud of his sexuality

this boy smokes so 👏much 👏weed 👏like he generally has a joint or two on him tucked away between his cigarettes. he is also, however, big-time against hard drugs (coke, heroin, meth, etc). he’s done coke a couple times, but like in general he won’t touch that shit !! and he’ll probably purse his lips at u if u do it in front of him, but unless ur like rly good friends he prob won’t actually say anything bc he tries not to be ~preachy. if ur good friends tho boy watch out he’ll randomly get pissed off abt it and start a fight eryfjyethyrgaudhsja

he had a bf in high school that he was like heart eyes over but stuff went down and in the end they sort of mutually broke up after a huge explosive fight right before his bf went off to college. it’s mostly jasper’s fault and he knows that and it’s lowkey his biggest regret. his second bf was his freshman year at saic and that ended even worse bc he ended up being a crazy asshole, so after that jas was like ok fuck! this! and decided he wasn’t doing boyfriends anymore for a while and he’s still in that mindset except deep down he’s craving that intimacy 

he wild !! seriously he has so much excess energy and acts like a child most of the time. he will throw skittles at people’s heads for the vine

he’s like super into philosophy bc of his dad, and he’s intelligent so the concepts come to him quickly and easily, but he’s completely unable to apply those concepts to his real life he’s literally too childish. he also has a lot of random knowledge, catch him rhapsodizing about medieval juridical systems and the origins of whaling in america

he’s an artist at heart, he’ll almost always start doodling on napkins and receipts etc no matter where he is or what he’s doing. he’ll usually have paint stains on his hands and arms and sometimes legs

aesthetics include wearing dirty converse and shirts that are way too big on him, ripped jeans rolled up at the ends, tall socks, scrapes and bruises on his elbows and knees, white wine, headphones around his neck, a tattered book in his hand, sunglasses indoors, loudly popping bubble gum, snarky retorts to questions not directed at him, jumping fences for a midnight swim in a closed pool, cigarettes and joints, sunsets, eating fruit on the beach, acting tough even tho he’s literally tiny

you get the idea

also for reference he’s blond. he just recently dyed it tho so it would be a new thing for everyone back home !!

so yH he is pretentious and sarcastic as fuck and pretends not to care when he acts childish and ends up offending ppl except UH OH deep down he feels bad n is just trying to figure out how to navigate growing up n entering the adult world u dig ??

that’s all i have for u here again feel free to check out his stats page for more info but like HIT! ME! UP! bitches i am a SLUT for angst give me the most dramatic plots possible i want it all !!

CONNECTION IDEAS:

girl gang ! jas needs his ladies to gossip and watch rom coms and cry abt cute boys with

hookups ! i want toxic on and off hookups, i want the hookup that happened last time they were both in town and now it’s awkward, unrequited feelings (either way), the “we hated each other in high school” hookup. all the angsty hookups

someone who jasper rly wants to sleep with/they rly wna sleep with jasper but it hasn’t happened for whatever reason

i rly want a plot where like jas and this person hated each other in high school but now they’re like.....best friends rygfskyeguhes

also vice versa. they were super close growing up and bc of a fight or whatever they’re like E N E M I E S now

someone who jasper was friends with like WAY back in the day when they were kids in elementary school maybe they were neighbors idk but they were like bffs back then and drifted apart in hs and now they like....don’t rly talk and it’s kind of awkward bc they used to be so close but just went in different directions

art buddy ! someone else who will whip out their grungy clothes and spread out newspapers all over the floor and paint the day away with him

would love for him to have his queer bff ?? preferably a lesbian ?!

he’s rly good at breaking people out of their shells so anyone who’s like more of an ~innocent and needs someone to expose them to partying n being wild.......hit him uP

he has an older sister but like i live for sibling-like friendships so get @ me with that. someone he’s rly protective over OR someone who’s rly protective over him (platonically)

also platonic touchy-feely friendships where they’re always cuddling n giving each other kisses but it’s like strictly as friends they’re just ~close 

[smokeybrand]

Homophobe

There seems to be an influx of visibility with my content over on the review blog, Smokeybrandreviews.tumblr.com, lately. I don’t know why, honestly, it’s literally just a massive, super biased, opinion archive about sh*t i enjoy or not so much, in pop culture. I guess my rants strike a cord with people? I dunno. I am, by no means, humble bragging or talking myself up unduly, it’s just an odd phenomenon to me. I don’t make these posts or keep these blogs to gather a following and accumulate clout. These things are just my soapboxes to scream into the void of cyberspace. I assume no one is listening so when someone does happen to come across one of my many, many, expletive-laden think pieces, and likes them, I'm genuinely surprised. Even moreso when they reach out and engage in conversation with me through the Asks or whatever. It’s an interesting debate when the people who feel strongly enough about my posts, decides to actually open up a dialogue. It’s not always the most extreme on either side, but usually it is.

I got called a homophobe for my take on LBGTQ representation and how i think you tell that story respectfully. That was kind of funny. I imagine the person sending me that hate had to be super-young because heir argument was smacked of a lacking life experience. I could be wrong, and if i am, that’s the saddest sh*t, ever. One of my more successful posts, Little Knife, shine a light on the dopest protagonist in the Alien franchise after Ellen Riley, Machicko Noguchi. That post blew up. I t got a couple of reblogs, too. Machiko is my favorite character in Aliens lore and i was glad to see so many people enjoyed my editorial about her. Maybe if enough cats knew of her, we could get that proper AvP movie. Another big success was my post around this Starfire Cosplay racism nonsense. That one, unsurprisingly, proved to be rather controversial. There was a dialogue about the merit and content of the argument in the comments, one that i wasn’t even a part of. That was dope to see.

There’s a running theme with these posts and i think that is the reason for my popularity as of late. They’re all a take on the whole “Strong female” trope or a derivative therein. I have to say, up front, I'm no feminist. I actually dislike a lot about the current state of feminism. It feels more like misandry than actual activism. As a creator, i find this to be incredibly frustration as people are attacked for articulating certain aspects of femininity in their art for no reason other than a difference of opinion. Art is subjective and you don’t don’t have to like it. you don;t have to patronize it. That said, you shouldn’t try to destroy a career or sabotage the project because you’ve deluded yourself into feeling some kind of self-righteous way about it. Let creators, create. Let them give you their vision, unassailed. If you don’t like it, express your critique of the art, not the person, or conjecture upon their character based on an imaginary interpretation. That sh*t is toxic as f*ck and has no place in pop culture.

Almost all of the posts that have found success over yonder, carry the same energy as that last paragraph and it;s refreshing to see they have such success in spite of that sentiment. It’s not a popular take. It’s not something the mainstream likes to hear. It’s not provocative or titillating. It’s not even middling. It is, however, accepted by a few hundred people and even more, hopefully, going forward. If thee are those out there who are like minded, i have faith in the creative forces going forward. I have faith that we’ll see more dynamic female leads who justify themselves by being themselves. I have hope there will be more and better queer representation on screen. Sh*t that incorporates all of the alphabet and not just the L, B, and G. None of this should have to be normalized because it is normal. Write your characters as being normal people, that other sh*t will take care of itself. Or, you’ll get called a homophobe in your Asks. Either way, progress!

[jakemansbridge-blog]

Forefront : Animation in the age of streaming services.

Netflix and Amazon Prime the two major streaming companies have made a dramatic push for streaming animation shows on both of there platforms. This is mainly pushed for anime, as eastern animation is often easier and cheaper to acquire licensing, as western shows are often produced and commissioned by TV production companies like Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon. Though this push for anime and being able to easily access these shows, it’s not the main focus of this discussion. 

It’s been quite a few months since Netflix and Amazon (Los Angeles Times doing a great article on this) have both publicly announced this new push for animation and particularly their own platform exclusive shows, this including Castlevania, Big Mouth, Dead Space and even my beloved Tuca and Bertie. Though the production of children shows is becoming more and more prevalent. Shows like : 

She-Ra Princess of Power (Netflix)

A wonderful rebooting of the original series, really throwing itself into it’s queer origins. Improving and developing both the animation (though can look a little ropey now and again) which has a nice anime inspired design but more importantly developing character. There is a richness to the new cast, and a lovely portrayal of diversity (though the main protagonist having a more then slight airian quality about her). There is a real passion behind this show, and a really freshness in it’s embracement of camp and LGBTQ themes. Though having a quite roughness and cheapness about it, it is still enjoyable and has improved over a the last few series. 

Twelve Forever (Netflix)

Twelve Forever is a solid show, not drastically life changing but solid. Having a lovely depiction of growing up from child to teenager and openly talking about feminine issues surrounding it in a light and comical way (one episode the Mum giving the child a bra as a birthday present to her embarrassment). There is a wonderful quality of childhood in this, but also anxiety of fear for the future, fear of losing that adventure. Really odd and surreal elements with wonderful voice acting especially Matt Barry’s portrayal of Butt Witch (this sentence tells you a lot about the show). 

Costume Quest (Amazon)

This is the newest creation from one of my favourite studios Frederator. It sees a handful of kids being grated magic powers to change themselves to whatever costume they are wearing, whether magician or space ranger Abraham Lincoln. It is light and funny, with a nice darker quality to it, a lot removed from Frederator’s other shows like Bee and Puppy Cat and even adventure time. There’s a wonderful graphic style with thick black lines and shadow work in this program. Though it’s not massively bingable, (mention this later), doesn’t seem to have an over arching mystery a thread through the show, but still willing to watch more.

Danger & Eggs 

Danger & Eggs is very much dumb fun, super action backed, wearing it’s surreal unusualness on it’s sleeve. Very high energy, seeming to be inspired slightly by stuntmen and 90s skateboarding scene.  Lovely colour pallets that compliment the animation tone, and exceptionally fun through out. I think what real appeals to me with this one is the slightly unusual character design, linking something like Johnny Quest and mashed with Adventure Time again very much enjoyable. 

The thing with these shows and the almost strength that these shows have from traditional tv programming. Is firstly they seem to be able to push the boat out when it comes to LGBT and adult themes (particularly with Netflix), this is a real strength abling to tell more complex and compelling stories, relating to both kids who are going through these confusing times but also nostalgic adults. 

As well, most streaming programs are binge worthy, meaning people will watch several episodes at a time, again this is where netflix succeeds. There is always a through line and a mystery to the works, always wanting to watch the next episode. This more me is a key aspect, and something I want to (and need to) incorporate into my TV shows and pitch ideas. How can we hook audiences to watch more then one episode at a time. The issue when this doesn’t happen is that you drop off and don’t go back to, especially with amazon’s weekly updates of the episodes fails to capture the audience.

Lastly and annoyingly, the way these platforms promote these shows is somewhat poor. Netflix from my experience promotes way more of their anime and adult animations, this may of course be just through their algorithms, but it is frustrating as a user. Worst though is amazon prime, where there is almost no advertisement what’s so ever, myself only knowing about Costume Quest through Frederator and seeking it out. This is incredibly frustrating as a viewer but someone who would love to use these platforms in the future and is really failing the creatives and artists hard work on these wonderful series. 

LA Times article

https://www.latimes.com/business/hollywood/la-fi-ct-animation-streaming-20181118-story.html 

References

Amazon Prime (2017). Danger & Eggs Trailer. [video] Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3PQ67rwaCU [Accessed 9 Aug. 2019].

Cartoon Hangover (2019). Costume Quest Trailer. [video] Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LqDSMkgBHjk [Accessed 9 Aug. 2019].

Netflix (2019). She Ra Princess of Power Trailer. [video] Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apP5mZQMRHs [Accessed 9 Aug. 2019].

Netflix (2019). Twelve Forever Trailer. [video] Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LqDSMkgBHjk [Accessed 9 Aug. 2019].