#like most people who i gaslit myself into thinking that they cared

[teaboot]

While I'm happy that the word "gaslighting" is more known than it used to be, and that people at large are learning to recognize what it looks like, I feel like we need to be careful not to turn it into something soft and casual we throw around off the cuff without meaning.

Being gaslit is psychological abuse that fucks you up very badly, very slowly, at such a gradual pace that you don't usually know it's happening until it's already re-wired your brain.

If you're unfamiliar with the term, "to gaslight" is to intentionally persuade someone that they cannot trust their own perceptions of reality. It's a destabilizing form of manipulation that leaves you constantly anxious, off-balanced, confused, and dependant on others.

This is done by lying about events that have happened or about things that are happening, invalidating feelings and observations, and either denying, refusing to acknowledge, or deflecting away from hard facts.

As someone who has experienced gaslighting as a form of abuse, this is what I remember from when I didn't know anything was off:

"Oh, I must have forgotten what really happened."

"I'm just not seeing it from their point of view."

"Everyone has their ups and downs. This is normal."

"I guess I wasn't thinking about what I was doing."

"I must have been wrong."

This is what I remember from when I first started realizing something was weird:

"How come every time I'm convinced they did something wrong, they just talk to me a few minutes, and I end up asking for their forgiveness? What has me so convinced I was right in the first moment?"

"I should start writing things down when they happen, so I can go back and check later when I'm confused."

"If every relationship like ours (familial, romantic, platonic) works this way, how come I never hear about it, or read about it, or see it anywhere else?"

Getting out and adjusting to the real world is hard, too, and comes with rapid swings of unfounded guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, and self-deprication that are completely unfounded in reality.

You've been conditioned to believe that you are entirely helpless and unable to think for yourself, possibly "crazy" or otherwise fundamentally impaired, and that there is a singular source of guidance that knows exactly what is right, and all of a sudden that pillar of support has vanished.

The immediate "after" that I recall looks like:

Constant uncertainty. Because nobody is there to tell you what's real and what isn't, you approach every situation thinking at it from all angles. Every question has fifty possible answers and most of them are wrong and you don't know which. If you choose wrong, the world will end.

A sense of helplessness. You feel that nothing you do is correct, and it's easier to make no choices at all- or you make wild, reckless, impulsive choices, because you feel you have nothing to lose.

Memory loss. I don't understand this one, but it's not like memoriescare being erased, but more like... you're so used to treating your memories as dreams or imaginations that you reflexively dismiss anything you recall as fake, and you can't believe anything you recall because you don't think it was real. Your abusers voice is in your head, wiping things away and telling you that you did the wrong thing. And you believe them, because they're the only constant you can rely on.

Missing the abuser, or the abusive dynamic. Because you know now that it wasn't healthy, but at least you knew where you stood. As long as you said the right things and acted the right way, agreed and obeyed and did as they expected, you felt like thevworld made sense. Now you have to figure out which parts of you really are broken, and which parts are working fine in a really weird way, and it's like tuning a piano when you've never played one before.

The long term "after"- for which I can only speak for myself- looks like:

Having to double-check, triple-check, and continue checking hard evidence of an event before responding in an active way.

Consulting with trusted friends to verify that your observations are legitimate and that your perceptions are valid. Following up with them to see if someone is really angry at you, or if you're just projecting anger onto them because it's what makes sense to your old pattern.

Obsessive collection of "evidence"- saving pictures, writing detailed journals, making recordings and video, never deleting emails or old texts, because you still don't quite trust yourself all the way and you're afraid that someone will cause you to doubt yourself again.

Continued self-doubt and being "gullible": I have straight up seen people flip me off to my face in front of witnesses and then immediately tell me, "No, I was just waving", and my first instinct is to believe them. For a few seconds, I *really do* believe them. Your brain is so trained to latch onto what people tell you to believe that its really, really hard to hold onto information that you already have.

Learning to take ownership over your own actions. (I didn't mess up because I'm "crazy", I messed up because I'm a person and people do that.)

Instinctively seeking approval. (Takes a lot of work to remind myself that I don't exit to make people happy, and that some people suck ass, and I can tell them to piss off.)

I don't intend to invalidate anyone currently struggling with this- if you feel that something is wrong, it probably is. That's the thought that got me out. Trust that feeling that something isn't right.

I just want people who don't know what to look for to know what gaslighting *actually* looks and feels like, so they don't just roll their eyes and think, "Oh, that word doesnt apply to me- I'm not some snowflake".

('Cause we all saw what happened with "triggered", right?)

[butchmartyr]

Neotrances (ardourie) will never be held accountable for the damage he’s done to trans women and has gaslit the public into thinking he’s the victim of a hate campaign instead of someone who is being continuously antagonistic towards us, making false accusations while, as you said, vaguely supporting us in no materially real way just random positivity posts. I didn’t even know about fluorosensitive either until I saw your post. They are both just continuing to circulate without any damage to their reputation it took a long time for me to even see what happened. Tme people continue to get away with the most ugly hearted behavior and no one cares. I mention this because I followed both and was gaslit myself for a moment into thinking they (particularly ardourie) were some kind of victims. Makes me feel like a real idiot in retrospect. Some people are just really good at playing the victim. Anyway thanks for bringing attention to it because not enough people talk about it at all.

its infuriating! and they play the role well enough and say the right keywords to the point that those who dont pay close enough attention will be cowed into either agreeing with them or excusing them, because who wants to get lumped into the accusations as an apologist of whatever the go-to topic of disgust is this time, even if the "evidence" itself is shaky as fuck when it even exists. i still remember watching them complain about some trans women innocuously talking about kink in ways they didnt like before spreading totally false info that they're into raceplay, just because their previous callout wasnt spreading hard enough. not to mention the dumbass blocklists that tweedle-dee to used to make, almost entirely comprised of trans women, while bitching about pornsickness. its pretty vile. and seeing them as the transmisogynists they are is made even harder when they get spread by people who otherwise try to be trans positive, but this is more a larger issue of tme people holding extreme benefit of the doubt for transmisogynistic behavior when its from people they like/share identities with rather than something specific to them

this behavior is not okay!

[archivalofsins]

I really want to vent about something Milgram related, but I don't want to spread negativity either. It's about my general experience in the fandom.

Something that has been less than ideal and the ways it has led me to engage with fandom as a concept in general.

It isn't fair to myself not to use my blog for me, though. This is my space to recount my experiences and opinions on Milgram as a series. The way the fandom has personally impacted me is a huge part of that. Regardless of how impartial I attempt to be, the experiences I've had within this fandom will impact how I engage with the content to an extent.

To the point that I've committed to trial three verdicts already based on the actions of people in this fandom.

I'm not above being petty.

So, I'm going to explain this as politely as I can and move on.

People who have been around on this blog long enough have seen a lot of the experiences I've had in the fandom. I wish I had whined about it publicly more in hindsight instead of going on defense immediately. It's not like I'm ashamed of being defensive or regret my previous actions. On the contrary, in fact, I was going through a lot of stressful and downright dehumanizing shit publicly and privately.

It was a terrible time, and if I knew it was going to be that way quite, honestly, I would have never posted any of those theories and just kept them to myself. Honestly, I'd like to see what the fuck this fandom would be like if I didn't. Considering some of the stuff I'll touch on here.

I'm going to be candid.

I've been spoken about vaguely on more posts than individuals in this community care to admit to the point that I literally had to stop engaging in the tags. I've been directly messaged emotionally manipulative remarks and then blocked by the sender from people in this fandom.

I've been basically called out on confession blogs because people are cowards and the first time they're given the ability of doing something under the guise of anonymity of course they're going to use it to harass someone else in ways they know they could never do publicly.

I've been harrassed and emotionally abused by other fans. Who I considered friends in private. Had my lived experiences and feelings consistently diminished for several months by those people. Plagiarized numerous times which I'm most mad about like you actually stole the fucking words out of my mouth that is a whole different form of disrespect.

I have been gaslit numerous times by well-meaning people again using the guise of ambiguity and anonymity to go,

"Well you can never know for sure, so you should just let it go! Be the bigger person."

And I just gotta go,

"Yeah, you're sooo right. I should have thought of that. I'll never know for sure! Anyone here could have said this. But do I have to stoop to their level? No, I should just be happy that I can't go in the tag because this keeps happening."

Then I gotta feel like I'm losing my mind because no one recognizes the previous thing is more fucked up. It's weird no one sees how that's fucking worse. If someone suspects I vagued about them, they block me and spread rumors in the back that I did vague about them that eventually come back to me anyway. They have this face, this image of me in their mind that they are allowed to act against and keep out of their vicinity. I have nothing, I have to sit here and see people in this fandom and think,

"Was it you? Did you say that?"

Then go no, no, that's not a healthy way to think. Then, I attempt to course correct when it feels like everyone here hates me. Because there's nothing else I can do other than control my response and how I navigate moving forward. I can admit that sometimes I don't navigate these things in a mature and considerate manner. That I get defensive and my language invokes that regardless of how jovially I attempt to take it.

Because when the shoes on the other foot. When I'm just discussing something that it seems as though everyone is discussing. Then someone feels as though that is me speaking vaguely about them regardless of how much i preemptively state it's not about anyone.

Then I inevitably get a,

"Like, hey, why did you do this? Why did you vague about x?"

In a way, that has made it so apparent how heavily policed I am in this environment and how hostile it is toward me. To the point that I can't even speak about something occurring in real time without being perceived as hostile by someone.

Something that felt like it was the case so much that I have post in my drafts that's in fucking Morse Code,

That just says Fuck- because at the time I really felt like I couldn't say a fucking thing without someone taking offense. Then i didn't fucking post this because at the time I was like no even that will be misconstrued just say nothing. So, it's just sitting in my drafts as a reminder.

To just shut the fuck up you don't have to say anything on or engage in this.

This has not changed either. I've adapted, of course, but this has not stopped. When I post, I am now incredibly particular about my wording and overexplain a lot.

Yesterday, I was hanging out with friends while editing that Kazui post over a discord call and said aloud,

"No, I can't say it that way because someone might take offense."

And my friend literally went,

"Who cares if they take offense let them."

As I changed it like no, no... Oh, that wording is too candid and curt, which will be perceived as anger. Then they're going to respond as though they've been attacked or belittled. So, I have to say it this way instead.

Do you know how many times someone has discerned a tone from my texts out of the clear blue sky and gone,

"I didn't like x's tone."

I had one mother fucker go I didn't like "his" tone and gender me as he throughout all of a convo until corrected like uh hey this person is genderfluid they use he and her. It is kind of dismissive and sexist that because you viewed them as hostile and forceful that you immediately gendered them as he.

Other times it's like eyy nice when that happens. Because it's usually not done in a,

"Ew, you're making me uncomfortable. You're scary, and I view you as a dangerous entity. So, I will now project masculinity onto you in order to highlight the danger I see you as."

Be me genderfluid use he and her. See how you experience text-based sexism where people call you her when they view you as more harmless, timid, and uninformed than switch to he when they view you as more hostile, dangerous, or direct. Something that is just what people do to blunt or straightforward black women generally and the fact that's happening through tone policing text really fucking highlights how inescapable this is for me.

To the point that just speaking how I normally would through text, which I very much type the same way I speak is something I have to work to tone down now and be attentive to. I felt as though I couldn't just post like everyone else. This is because that over time, it became apparent to me that regardless of what I said or how much I tried to articulate myself in a more docile way, someone was going to take offense.

I literally talked about a bird and got a lecture. There is no winning. If something is too short, it's like, did you think of this. Too long no one is reading all that. Then, if someone feels as though I was discussing them regardless of how much I truly can't even go in the tag to see whatever they're discussing.

It leads to me having to apologize to that person. Even though I am not responsible for their assumption. I push that to the side and suck it up to the best of my abilities, and apologize. Because my intent, my feelings at this revelation, and the unfairness I feel about it does not change that my actions have negatively impacted and hurt this other individual's feelings.

There is a point that this does stop being on me, though.

However, when an instance in which I've genuinely hurt someone's feelings is brought to my attention, I won't dismiss that. Take note of this it leads into another problem later. I am not responsible for imagined slights and did not have to apologize at all. A good few people who consider themselves good individuals and are would not have apologized.

Because the assumptions of others simply are not their responsibility. So they would consider this an instance of someone taking them egregiously out of context because they choose to view them through bad faith. Then would have gone,

"This seems like something you did all on your own that should have stayed that way. I owe you nothing."

Or would have just ignored it.

Now, I want to touch on how invasive and entitled some people within this fandom can be. I have had so many people ask for private medical information that they are not entitled to.

Yes, saying-

"If you don't have x, then don't speak on y."

Is pushing someone else in a corner where their options are to give personal information on themselves that again wrapping around back to point one is not the business of person saying this nor will giving this information change their opinion. People who say this don't care if you have x they just want you to shut up. People who say this do not care about people who have what they are discussing outside of themselves. It's that simple.

At best, if a person says

"Yes, I have x."

This sort of person will either state the person is lying or that it doesn't matter because what that person said was still wrong. And having x doesn't change the fact that they just think this other person is wrong actually so they should still shut the fuck up. This is really annoying when it comes to how this fandom engages with dissociative identity disorder specifically.

Because they say and do shit like this, then still have the audacity to be wrong about how the disorder works. I've seen posts that state with their full chest that Dissociative Identity Disorder is when there is an existence of three or more distinct personality states.

Just legit redefining the term to exclude two. I've been told two alter system don't deserve representation because they're so rare and it's less likely to occur. Again, it's wild to me how no one recognizes how that sounds. Like to me, that sounds like this specific presentation of this disorder is a minority. Therefore, it is an inaccurate depiction of the majority of individuals with this disorder and should not be represented in media in any nuanced way actually.

That sounds suspiciously like people who said black people rarely buy comics as such, they are not our target demographic and should not be represented in the media. Because it just won't sell, they don't read comics. Girls don't read shonen manga. We do not need well written female characters here. That's not our demographic.

Furthermore, when I have told people that I trust this very sensitive information about myself and my mental health. They weaponized it against me to abuse me for several months. Literally stating in response to me being like hey what you're doing is really upsetting me and hurtful with,

"Well, you have x and y. So, you have to accept that and recognize how you telling me your emotional needs is actually unreasonable. It's holding me to a standard that's far too high. Something you're only doing because you've yet to accept your own limitations due to your impairments. Causing you to project the high standards you put on yourself onto others around you as well and straining your relationships. You need to accept you're disabled. Something that means there are just certain things you won't be good at and won't be able to receive or achieve in life."

Bro, I would just like to not be ghosted. What the fuck does that have to do with this? This person's reaponse to me saying,

"Hey, if I continue to get treated this way, I'm going to leave. Because this isn't even a relationship at this point if most of it is spent avoiding proper communication. It seems neither of you want me here because you're actions and avoidance are displaying that to me."

Was to say,

"If you did that, then that would make you no better than us. Plus, all your relationships will continue to be this way. If you're incapable of compromising here."

That's been my last ten months in private on top of the Milgram shit. At a point, I spoke about the incident semipublically in a shared discord server. Then these two people had me apologize for doing that, like stating how they treated me-

In a space, they were already discussing the situation in instead of communicating with me privately by the way. Yet, me doing it was crossing the line, actually.

Yeah, they had me apologize for this over text not once, not twice but five fucking times in a row, each apology longer and more in depth than the last.

Because me doing that was just such an inconsiderate breech of their privacy and dismissal of their feelings. They even said this was something to be handled in private despite ignoring me privately for months and taking it there.

I want to sit here and say I have no more sympathy or good faith to extend to individuals within this fandom. It would be incredibly fair for me to say this given my experiences. However, I fundamentally believe just because the world can be cruel unreasonably so and kindness is rarely rewarded. That is no reason to spread pain. I would like to believe in people. To believe that they can be considerate of those who exist outside of themselves and respectful of those others.

It is just very difficult to enjoy a space that has seemingly been hellbent on breaking me in every sense of the word.

I didn't think it was possible to say this in a way that didn't feel self pitying or unnecessarily harsh. This may still be harsh to some. Yet I can not comfortably move forward without honestly writing down for myself the impact these experiences have had on me.

It makes me want to engage with fandom less.

Make myself less accessible and that's been reflected in how I do fanfiction now. I'd like to get comments and feedback on the labors of love and appreciation I've made for this series. Yet these experiences have been so damaging that I'm not even comfortable leaving comments on for fanfics anymore. Comments are now off on all my fanfics, not even just milgram ones, and I don't think I'll ever cut them back on.

I locked all of my fanfics for a while, so only registered users could read them. I reached out to be in the milgramblrgram thing because I thought it would be a fun thing to do and a nice way to get more feedback on these things on my own terms. Yet I truly don't think it matters how I do it or how much work I put in because to a lot of people, it just being attached to me makes it wrong.

Because they've built this impression of me that simply isn't true and is isolating.

It makes this a little less fulfilling to continue doing. I only really continue doing it because I do enjoy Milgram a great deal, and it matters a lot to me. Like one of the reasons I was so cool with dumping those people was like well one of you is literally trying to tell me to stop engaging with my hobbies and interests because sometimes I have complaints about them. Which makes it a lot easier to go mm fuck you I had this hobby before I met you and probably will have it after you. Because unlike you this brings me joy it is fulfilling sure I don't like the treatment I've received from other fans but don't get it twisted.

I love Milgram.

That's not going to change. Milgram is not its fanbase. Regardless of how the fanbase can impact the series. I'm writing this to move forward more comfortably with everything that has occurred in this going on two years.

And it may be too much for some, but it's just what I've gone through for me.

[abla-soso]

Syrian people are truly amazing.

I've followed the Syrain revolution very closely since the day it started, and I've seen how Sunni Syrian freedom fighters waged a war against ISIS who came in to secure the Assad regime.

I've watched how Hezbollah marched in and joined the war to kill ISIS AND the Syrian freedom fighters.

I've watched how Hezbollah committed many horrific war crimes against Sunni Syrians (multiple massacres, systematic rape, torture, etc.) and how they've proudly captured them on camera, much like how the IDF did in Gaza. They even sieged and mascaraed a refugee camp full of Palestinas.

I've watched Hezbollah defend and secure the fascist dictatorship of the Assad regime.

I've watched Hezbollah gaslit the whole world into believing they were the heroes who fought against ISIS and their war in Syria had nothing to do with their genocidal hatred towards Sunni Muslims (it backfired spectacularly in most of the Arab Muslim world. Hezbollah completely lost its reputation as the highly popular resistance group who kicked Israel's ass in 2006. People who hung pictures of Hezbollah's leaders in their homes ended up burning them and cursing their names).

Yet most Syrians are not mad at the Sunni Muslims in Gaza for relying on Hezbollah's aid (Hamas is a Sunni organization). They have enough compassion and empathy to understand the dire circumstances the people of Gaza are facing.

It's an outstanding display of love and mercy that I don't think I'm capable of yet. I'm still furious at anyone praising Hezbollah, even though I know the majority of Shia Muslims are ignorant of Hezbollah's crimes. There were times when I caught myself feeling rage at a Palestinian in Gaza praising Hezbollah's military operations against Israel. Don't they know what these "heroes" did in Syria? Do they not care about their Sunni brethren in Syria? But then I look at most Sunni Syrians and I'm reminded of the Islamic virtue of empathy and compassion. Of making excuses for your oppressed brethren before criticizing them. I hope I can live up to this standard.

[angelic-omega]

An analysis of myself and the characters I relate to that nobody asked for but I totally recommend doing!!

Just a warning it’s kinda sad but I needed to know how I could relate to all these seemingly very different characters and I am a SCIENTIST!!

A: Fussy, Posh, Foodies who have claim to have high standards. Eclectic with very niche interests such as literature, classic music, ancient history, wine, roleplay, slight of hand, tartan, dim lighting, statues, and being old men who can’t work modern technology. Both prefer to do things the old fashioned way and have a distaste for anyone unnecessarily rude. Both are too polite and have a reputation of being polite so they won’t speak their mind in person but will find a way to get that person on the right path later.

B: Religiously traumatized people pleasers who always try to do the right thing and always get hurt for it. Kind, caring, and gentle souls who are forced to change to better humanity. Actually an eldritch creature trying to pass as human and despite being as courteous as possible are still slightly unnerving at times. Think they are being smooth but aren’t and both are clearly in love with their bad boy, car obsessed, classic rock and roll best friends. Both are actually really intelligent in their own ways but are perceived as stupid and infantilized. Chronic insomniacs who either forget to sleep or simply don’t want to sleep. Give the best cuddles and you can’t change my mind.

C: Forced to be strong and fight when all they ever wanted was peace and to be left alone. Queens of making poor decisions when it comes to relationships. Chosen as leaders because of their strength they didn’t chose to have. Just want to live a gentle, carefree life but now have ptsd and can’t. Protective of their siblings and have a strong sense of justice.

D: soldiers who did some bad things and now blame themselves for all the pain they caused. Nightmares of them hurting people that then make them think they are a bad person and don’t deserve kindness. Lost a part of themselves trying to survive and will never get it back.

E: Experienced with knives and have a staring problem. Both shut off in a physical fight and get eerily calm as a trauma response. Both could easily snap and kill someone if pushed but mostly keep to themselves so long as no one goes out their way to piss them off. Unintentionally hurt those they love most because they can’t express an emotion in a healthy way to save their life

F: 100% chance they secretly love wearing dresses because they are pretty and comfortable. shy and soft spoken in the streets but absolutely freaks in the sheets~ bisexual but everyone just calls them fruity little gay men including themselves

G: Will say they are going to do as you’ve asked them but if they don’t agree with it are going to not do what you asked them to do. Stubborn divas who you cannot make betray their hearts. Always on some sort of secret mission and always having something up their sleeve they are keeping from everyone just to reveal it dramatically at the right time.

H: Brainwashed and gaslit so hard they don’t even know what they want out of life anymore

I: Are jokingly mean as a flirting tactic

J: All definitely still have a working land line and a desk top computer. Take their taxes seriously.

K: All have been through past trauma and abuse which caused them to act and behave in ways that felt out of character. Could never be true to themselves and cannot catch a break. Could have really had their shit together if it wasn’t for circumstance but nonetheless are trying to make things right because deep DEEP down they are good people…they just end up making bad decisions because they don’t know how to emote. Authority issues out the ass but somehow all bottoms…(idk if they are or not but it’s funny to say) definitely all have PTSD and definitely feel like a failure because they can’t heal from their trauma.

[pinketine]

I think it'd be unfair to my younger self who'd loved Wilbur since Soothouse and my self of last week who loved RTSoot if I didn't make a final post saying my piece and giving myself closure.

As I've said earlier, I won't be supporting Wilbur anymore, as the memories will be too bitter, and his apology when compared to Shelby's story comes off as completely insincere. I'm aware of the difference between c and cc, but the lines are way too blurred in this case for me to feel comfortable.

Furthermore, I'm not mad at myself or anyone else for loving his content or missing any red flags. A lot of us were young, and found deep connection with his candidness about the uglier sides of mental health. He was also charismatic, and made good, enjoyable content. It's not a sin to say a bad person is talented, or made good things. It's more productive than anything else, because labelling all bad people in a certain way just makes you more likely to be blindsided. Don't feel guilty, you didn't know.

In addition, I thoroughly despise any arm chair diagnosing/demonisation of Wilbur's mental health. It's ableist to try and say he has a cluster b personality disorder, full stop. No mental condition makes someone an abuser. Also, Wilbur isn't a bad person because his mental health led to him not taking care of himself, he's a bad person because he's an abuser. While poor mental health can make someone lash out, it's disingenuous to remove Wilbur's agency in violating Shelby's boundaries and the like by blaming it all on his poor mental health.

I also think you guys need a bit more nuance when regarding how others didn't speak up about Wilbur's abuse until Shelby did. On one hand, some people probably were complicit in it up until it was safe to start virtue-signalling. On the other, some others might've been gaslit or manipulated or were simply too scared to speak out against one of the biggest, most beloved names in the sphere. Some people may have not even known about it. And even the people who haven't said anything, that doesn't mean complacency, or that they support him. They might still be reeling, or in denial, or gathering their thoughts.

At the end of the day, I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but we don't know these streamers. This is to say both that you shouldn't assume that they could never be horrible, and that you shouldn't assume everyone in the mcyt sphere is horrible. It's a large community, and every community has people, some more vile than others. That's just the nature of humanity.

Of course, the most important part is supporting victims, especially Shelby. She has been incredibly brave, and revealing something so awful to help protect and warn others is so very kind as well. This is about her, first and foremost.

Everyone make sure to take care of yourselves, this has definitely been hard for a lot of people. 💗

[iwilllearntowrite]

I am deeply terrified of being an evil person, unknowingly or without being able to fully face it.

Not just becoming evil, but simply being a fundamentally bad person. That my intentions are wrong and I am actually lying to myself. That I have manipulated myself and everyone around me into believing I am a kind person. That my existence in itself has a bad impact on others because it is inevitable for me to do harm just like any human at some point in their life maybe ? Because its impossible not to ? No, this is me trying to normalize sick behavior actually.

I often feel like I am imposing, like people are simply tolerating me, and when they try to reassure me I feel even worse because what if I manipulated them ? And it leads me to think I am even worse than I could picture. I interpret everything as proof that I am deeply terrible, including my loved ones trying to tell me the opposite, to the point where I am not only lying to myself but manipulating everything and everyone around me so I never have to face the truth. And if at any point I let myself believe my intentions are true and I listen to the side of me that doesn’t align with those thoughts, it feels like I would be loosening my control and enabling my deeper “evil” intentions, letting them slip.

Its like I have a phobia of my own intentions. I’ve been looking into it and everything is leading me to OCD related articles, its a disorder that was brought up to me when I was in therapy and also when I was seeing my psychiatrist but that never really got dug into because ultimately when they asked me a few questions about it I didn’t have clear “rituals” and struggled to keep track with everything in my life… I am putting this in the OCD tag to know if anybody else has had thoughts like these ? If any of what Im saying even makes sense… And if so Im curious if theres somewhere I can read about it ? I dont mean to intrude as I have not been diagnosed, but I feel like this is where I could find people who also struggle with intrusive thoughts as well as maybe something like this ?

There’s a part of me that knows. That recognizes the absurdity. That finds it almost laughable. But still beyond wanting to know wether it is true or not, I want to understand this belief better. Is it my inability to face my failures ? An irrational fear of doing harm ? Of becoming like those who hurt me ? They couldn’t face their abuse so how could I ? I have noticed most people who do harm aren’t aware of it, even the people who abused me through my life were pretty much oblivious. And if they were, what’s stopping me from being as oblivious as they are ? But could it be I’m just afraid I can’t trust myself ? What made me feel like I cant trust myself and when ? Because I almost always have… One thing I’d always been in tune with was my gut. I recognize now I haven’t been able to trust my own thoughts and memories since I was gaslit by my ex through last summer. Maybe there’s a correlation.

I really want to be careful, though, with the terms I am using. I am so sorry if what I have said seems offensive or hyperbolic, I tried not to write mindfully but I understand it could be beyond me and something only others will see. I am open to feedback and discussion and sincerely hope I didn’t trigger anyone with my words.

[randomrings]

My wife's ex-abuser

Most of the people that this will more directly affect aren't on Tumblr. I'm mostly writing it here to bypass Bluesky's character limit and to have this information somewhere other than Bluesky.

I have kept this more or less under my hat for almost two years now for the sake of my wife, Kay. However, she has started posting about it, so I think if there were a time to add my two cents publicly, that time would be now. Kay has also condoned this.

To clarify; his screenname is iDerpasaur and he gaslit, sexually assaulted, and hacked the accounts of my wife. I don't think people in his spaces know this. I have no proof but I do have Kay's word over mine. https://medium.com/@KayIona/april-4-2024-4-46pm-22-hours-until-mrs-iona-fe3f90fbae39

Before I go on, I want to make a blanket statement to the people that know this guy. I'm simply asking you to use your best judgment. However, use that judgment with the notion that any action or inaction you may take could graciously or gravely affect my presence in your life. I'd rather not lose people but will for others' and my own safety.

iDerpasaur, aka Derp, has been banned in Randomrings spaces since early 2023. I believe victims. Before Kay and I were married, she told me about Derp hacking all of her accounts after they broke up and sending her aggressive messages in regards to them.

This was all I needed to hear. I asked, "if I banned him and he squealed to our friends about me, would this come back to bite you?" After some deliberation, she told me to use my best judgment, so I banned and blocked him. Kay deleted proof of the hacking to avoid the trauma.

"How would this come back to bite Kay?", you might ask. This larger web of people in primarily video game-related spaces get pretty tightly knit. Not to the point of parasocialism, a lot of them have just known each other a long time and grown closer. To the point of sharing mailing addresses.

I wasn't more vocal about a lot of the things wrong with this group of people that I was introduced to more directly circa 2022 for fear that Kay would have a lot more to lose than I would. I also could have had information about my identity leaked that I would like to keep private. I am in fear of that posting this tbh.

There's nobody that I am aware of willy-nilly doxxing people in "the community at large", as Kay calls it. This fear is, however, the result of a bigger domino effect of suspicious behavior left unchecked. Consider this post a check.

"Hacked her accounts?" Already touched on that. "Gaslit?" See Kay's post above for at least a surface-level glance. "Sexually assaulted?" I could make a larger statement about coercion but I've been told of several occasions where Kay's "no" was denied.

"Evidence?" If you think my wife is lying about 15 years of abuse for clout, we have nothing more to discuss. I don't see her making up being assaulted in her own bed in the middle of the night and her demeanor telling me that as nothing. This isn't a court case. No lawsuit. Just air-clearing.

I could go on a tangent about how "this is what happens when a spot to talk about video games is prioritized over people's safety and proper moderation" but I have been telling myself for the past two years that people just didn't know. Some know and they believe us. Now you know.

For those of you who only know my corner of the internet, thanks for listening. Steer clear of iDerpasaur if you see him. He shouldn't be a threat in the Randomrings side of things and hasn't been for a while. Take care of yourselves.

[seeminglyseph]

I feel like I’ve been my sister’s keeper, my father’s keeper and my mother’s keeper for most of my life

And at the same time been told over and over again that I’m basically incompetent and incapable of keeping myself and that my base personality is repulsive and will just drive people away from me if I’m too much myself around them. That it’s too much to hope for someone to be there for me, so I have to be prepared to keep myself in every situation, and my inability to be prepared for any and all situations is proof I am not capable of independent living, of my immaturity.

My resistance to taking orders without question is immaturity. My difficulties regulating my emotions in times of great stress is signs of immaturity. My facing different kinds of stresses are signs of immaturity. My having emotional needs are a sign of immaturity. My disabilities are a sign of immaturity.

I should surrender my freedoms as a result of imperfect independence. If I need help due to disability, I must agree to surrender control of my care process because of the effort it costs to help me. My mom would argue claims that it was my body and I could eat or exercise or drink or whatever as I saw fit with claims at first that “well I have to look at it” and then “but I have to take you to the doctors and help you with all this medical stuff”

Now that I have some distance from The Year of Vom I understand some of it definitely came from the overwhelming anxiety and trauma surrounding a) the extremely abusive relationships I was in, and b) the extremely controlling relationship with food I had reaching another breaking point as my mom also hit a point where she had her own insecurities I just. Wasn’t able to tackle because like. There’s only so much you can be responsible for healing when you are actively being harmed.

Like, anecdote from the period; I know my mom is feeling insecure about her own cooking, however I am focal point right now and in this moment she has made me sit at the table and eat her meal. Family meals are important no matter how uncomfortable they make you, no doctor has found a source of your illness. All you need is good food. I’ve eaten a few bites of the plate she prepared, but not very much. I just can’t manage it and I’m starting to feel ill, but I’m still sitting for the conversation. She walks by and nudges me, chiding “honestly, can’t you even just take one more bite?”

I do so as instructed but in front of their eyes my body rejects it, and the whole dinner comes back up. My mom says something like “if it was going to make you sick you could have said something.” I mumble that it just happened. My dad, alive still at the time, confirms that he watched it come over me spontaneously.

I’ve come to realize a bit that part of it was about control. My mind was so desperate for control that the stress response was to vomit. Though I suspect also I had migraines that I’m still working to get fully addressed, it might be tied to the POTS that many people suspect I have but I think I’ve not gone to doctors who take me seriously enough. I know that sounds like… something someone with hypochondria might say, but I feel… something else. I think if I could get the right support and right medical team I might have better answers.

I don’t know what I really need to do right now… but. I mean… idk. I was talking with my therapist yesterday, and some friends online. And I think… I’ve been gaslit pretty hard into believing I don’t have needs, only wants. And as such, I’m extremely selfish? If that makes sense? And as such, like, I like. Even have trouble touching base with my emotions because they express a need. And that’s like. Scary, and shameful. I guess. And I’ve adapted to try and logic my way out of it and undermine it. I’m therapy saying like “I guess I’m frustrated by it.” When it’s apparently clear that it’s a much deeper and more serious issue than frustration.

For all my talk about how important and meaningful anger is, I’m still deeply out of touch with my own. But I still think it’s so… necessary. For all it can consume and destroy people, it can keep other people alive.

Idk what the point of this is besides… maybe unpacking yesterday’s therapy and today’s tension? I feel sick and sore today, though part of that’s also the weather.

[bogkeep]

Odd Trauma Sticking Point I Would Love To Resolve With A Therapist Someday #47384

this one wasn't even related to the actual trauma, which is maybe one of the reasons it cut so deep. i think i was braced for it at any other time, and i thought i would be able to get away from it for a little bit. oh well. i mean, i also thought the Traumatic Event was over, LIKE A FOOL, when in reality it was going to be an Ongoing Event for at least another year. whoof!

i was attending a volunteer event that i had signed up for in advance. i went even though i was feeling a bit under the weather and hormonal. i had been really looking forward to attending, and at this point, could really use the Distraction. i don't regret my choices at all, even though i wish circumstances had been better.

i honestly thought the event went really well, even though i made it through on Energy Saving Mode- i socialised less than usual, i would lie down at a couch and chill by myself, reassured people around me i was okay and didn't feel excluded but wasn't feeling top form - the event was set up to be accessible, with quiet rooms to hide in and people whose jobs were to make sure everyone was well taken care of. maybe it seemed like a waste of attendance to be so distant and unsocial for so much of it, but it happens, and i can't argue with the fragile state i was in. i remember apologizing and explaining to people a lot.

a thing that DID happen repeatedly for some reason, was people making unintentionally awful jokes to me. like, it was not at all malicious in intent, just badly calibrated. the way i remember it, i kept having to say stuff like "hey, this makes me feel really bad, can you not make jokes like that about me?"

i have no idea how i came across, but what mattered most to me at the time was communicating the boundary. the way my Trauma had happened, any attempt at expressing my boundaries had been twisted and gaslit back to me in various forms of "did you really say that? i must have misunderstood" which you can probably imagine, made me quite desperate to make myself clear in the most explicit and unmistakeable way possible.

and to their credit, the other attendees seemed to take it to heart, and nothing worse happened. returning home after the event weekend i felt like it had gone quite well, all things considered.

it's the aftermath i can't let go of.

one of my co-volunteers asked to sit down with me. i don't remember if they said they had been talking to the others or not. there's a lot i don't remember, my brain was full of sludge at the time, but i think - they told me i had been so abrasive and asocial that weekend, that i had been lashing out at anyone talking to me.

another dagger point right in the trauma. ouch.

i think i just started crying and apologising for my behaviour, trying to explain my fragile state and how i just really needed people to be gentler with me at the time and hadn't known how else to stop the upsetting jokes.

i think my co-volunteer was put on the spot. i don't think they meant to smear the wet painting my trauma brain was, i think there was just a misunderstanding of events, but now they were trying to backpedal out of what they had told me earlier, which -

"why didn't you take better care of yourself?" i had been doing that.

"but why didn't you say that?" i... did. that's what i had done.

"you need to be really explicit." i had been!

"you need to express your needs by telling it straight to my face, shaking me by the shoulders, so you can make sure i absolutely understand you." YOU CAME TO MY HOUSE TO TELL ME HOW RUDE AND UNPLEASANT I HAD BEEN.

"you need to know your limits and not push yourself too much." i think i might scream.

look, my co-volunteer is just another flawed human who tried to be responsible and address everyone's concerns. they had no training to deal with a freshly PTSD'd autistic person crying all over the table, and had to find a way to justify the conversation in some way. i genuinely have no idea how i came across or how well i dealt with it. i don't envy anyone who had to deal with the fallout of my trauma.

but there was something so unintentionally cruel about being told i need to take better care of myself, but that my attempts at taking care of myself had been wrong, that i needed to be explicit about my needs, but chastised for being so overt about needing space - just crumple up my brain like a piece of paper already!! i already struggle to trust my own narrative of events!!!! i thought things went fine but apparently they didn't!!! did i fuck up or not!!!!!!!

i think the reason this is such a thorn in my heart is how unable i've been to explain this to others. i know how to word it, i know what fucked me up about it, but how can anyone respond satisfactorily? it sure was a thing that happened. it wasn't even a big deal, it was just such a sharp kernel, a piece of debris landing bullseye in my fresh and bleeding wound. there's no moral to this story, no puzzle to fix.

helped to write it out, i think.

[nerves-nebula]

Had a though. When I was a kid I used to get overstimulated to the point of just trying to block everything out, which just made people suddenly concerned, and they’d pester me over it. Of course, as a kid with shit understanding of sensory overload and even shitter communication skills, the only explanations I could ever give were that I had gotten a headache or I felt sick. But since I knew that was in fact not what was wrong with me, I gaslit myself into thinking I’d acted that way for attention a ridiculous number of times, and felt shit about it for years until I put together what had actually been happening.

My point being, Donnie; As an example, when he bit Mikey, would realize that was sensory overload stuff that he couldn’t help because research™, or would he just immediately assume he’s horrible person that hurt his brother for no reason he can communicate, because God forbid any media accurately portrays this stuff.

i think he'd figure out eventually whats going on with him, maybe around 11 years old, but he'd still feel guilty about lashing out. Splinter is kind of ableist, especially when it comes to Donnie (calls donnie weak cause of his softshell, dislikes how often Donnie gets sick and implies he's faking it, generally doesn't know or care about anything autism related)

so Donnie might be like "yeah i might be autistic or whatever but its not THAT bad so really I have no excuse. I'm probably just a bad person :')"

donnie has chronic self hatred disease and it takes him forever to get better. he (not so secretly) thinks he's the worst most useless member of their family, cause at least Splinter and Leo excel at fighting. All he has is his tech (and his hyperfixation fun facts) and it seems to him that most of the people who value his tech aren't very good people at all. so like, what does that say about him?

[sadieshavingsex]

wow. been a few weeks since I’ve posted here. things have rapidly gotten better for me over the past few weeks to the point where I’m honestly kind of still waiting for the upper shoe to drop. I want to take a sec to tell about the major things that have finally clicked and helped.

i left a cut because it's a handful of paragraphs. lots of stuff about my relationship dynamics and evangelicalism and how they intertwine and what I've been learning, plus a resource I've been using that has really helped me with this

first off, I totally and finally cut off all means of common contact with my ex. he actually was the one to tell me to stop getting in touch, but I also was able to ensure that I blocked him on multiple accounts and (at least for now) will also not receive messages from heavily involved mutual friends/acquaintances/etc (this was a huge issue previously even after both of us had individually tried to stay out of touch with the other. Like people from his life just kept messaging me all the time as though nothing was wrong, which I think was a huge thing holding me back from effectively moving on).

I haven’t heard from the man or his family/friends or had to unwillingly be subjected to his face on socials for 3 ish weeks now and it has already made a world of difference. with actual distance from him I can clearly see why my most popular post is my most popular post. “IM TIRED OF FEELING PATHOLOGIZED IM TIRED OF PATHOLOGIZING MYSELF!” This was probably the most massive issue in the relationship. I had valid wants, needs, and ideas about what a relationship should and could be that he just couldn’t fulfill, and instead of simply leaving it be and letting him go for my own sanity, I gaslit myself (and sometimes let him gaslight me) into thinking that when my VERY VALID and often RELATIVELY BASIC wants and needs weren’t being addressed, I was “too needy” and there was something wrong with ME that could be fixed. And I tried to fix it for two fucking years - often by going to therapy, trying to find a diagnosis, reading a ton of self-help books, etc! Until a few weeks ago, when I suddenly came to this reframe that like, there are plenty of people who can meet me where I am with the kind of care I’m looking for and achieve basic relational goals for things like HONESTY, ENTHUSIASM, EMOTIONAL SAFETY, and beyond. Some of these were already a struggle from the start of the relationship with Sam and most got significantly worse as we stayed together for almost a year and a half. And continued to get worse even afterward as I tried to salvage a friendship or relationship or whatever I could with this person who was treating me generally pretty hurtfully, whether he meant to or not.

I can see how evangelicalism would play a huge role here, because the church very much used the rhetoric of “if you aren’t happy and fulfilled with what you’re being given (often mistreatment lol), YOU are the problem and need to try harder/renew your mind/be more faithful/etc”

what a whirlwind to come out the other side of this and say, SOMETIMES YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. I was trying so hard to “heal” and “fix myself” so that I could be a better, more accepting girlfriend and the reality is that MANY people would agree that the way Sam treated me was below the bar for what a healthy relationship should look like. I was trying to contort myself to feel happy and healthy within a dynamic that was simply bad for me! And a lot of the time Sam contributed heavily to it! But instead of thinking about what I want, need, and deserve in a relationship, I just thought about why I clearly was in the wrong and needed to “get help” to make it work. Here’s the lesson: I DONT NEED TO SETTLE OR BECOME SMALLER TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORK!

I’m going to take a break from therapy for a little while this coming month and I think it will be good. The truth is that I was in a relationship that was super negative for me in many ways beyond the sex stuff I talked about on this blog, and I just didn’t leave and kept trying to do the majority of the lifting to make it work. I thought something was wrong with ME when the reality is that I am who I am and my needs and wants are valid and the SITUATION was just so wrong for me. The ocd therapist I’d started seeing said she thought the greatest exposure would be being myself and just doing me, and I think I agree.

For so long I was part of a religion where I had to use doublethink and make myself, my thoughts, my needs, my goals, and my wants small to make the situation make sense as a fruitful and fulfilling relationship. And that’s essentially what I just did, again, for a year and a half.

I think it’s time to validate myself big time. The things I want are really not crazy and can often easily be found if I know where to look. Yeah, I have some mental health issues, but many of them have been insanely exacerbated and blown out of regular proportion beyond belief by the relationships and situations I’ve found myself in and decided to remain in even though they were harmful, confusing, unfulfilling, etc. It’s time to take up space. It’s time to get what I want and not settle for less! Not to allow obvious red flags to even enter the picture. Just to enjoy my life for what it is and how happy I can be when I meet my needs and treat myself and invest in situations and relationships that lift me up rather than tearing me down. Thank you all for being with me through the past year and a half. I’m so excited and feel so good these recent days, it’s really almost unbelievable compared to how I felt around Sam, especially after he’d broken up with me but would still come around occasionally. I can post more soon about resources that have helped me during this time, but the biggest one currently is Erica Smith’s Sexual Values Workbook for Purity Culture Dropouts (which is actually on sale right now). It has opened my eyes to what really matters to me surrounding sex and allowed me to think really clearly about some of the dynamics in the relationship that were so off that I just couldn’t see, many of which came out through the distress around sex but were really far beyond it in terms of scope. I’m so happy to be doing this workbook while single and enjoying learning about myself without judgment. Can’t wait to keep you all updated as I go and grow❤️ all my love always

[littleapocalypsekitten]

Turning on the news lately... I'm just feeling really gaslit by the news and the culture lately. I watch CNN a lot, for instance. They cut from coverage to BOMBED OUT HOSPITALS that were, for all we know, deliberately targeted because there were, supposedly, Hama tunnels beneath them to one congresscritter or another talking about it being "justified" and "the only way to get rid of Hamas" because they use human shields and that they'll just continue on with the perpetual terrorism if they aren't rooted out - but we're soooo sad for the civilian casualties. A senator gets censured for being pissed off that her people are being killed with impunity, meanwhile, no one says a damn thing about the guy calling for Gaza to be made into a parking lot. If you don't "support Israel" (the nation / government and all they do) you get accused of being anti-Semitic. In addition, in America, there is the whole, weird Evangelical-take on it that seems to have leaked into the general culture without most people even realizing it. A Jewish friend of mine (American) is scared to death right now because she's afraid of being attacked for being who she is, conversely for not being for the Israeli government doing war crimes. She said on Facebook that she's going offline for a while to deal with her stress, which is affecting her ability to live her day to day life. I'm an American white idiot. I do not know the nitty gritty of the politics of the region. I have no solutions. I'm just someone who thinks that war crimes should not be answered with war crimes, I feel like I am watching a very obvious ethnic cleansing in real time that is getting passed off as "fighting terrorism" and "unfortunate collateral damage" in a play-pretend. I feel like the American government lets things slide and aids and abets because of certain political stakes they've had from the beginning with a sidecar of Christian-superstition-brain-leaking into the culture. Maybe also a sidecar of "BUT 9/11! Fear the Muslims!" (forget the Palestinian Christian population, I guess, plus people with a variety of beliefs that surely live there). (For the record, I am actually a Christian, albeit a Progressive one these days, no longer Evangelical, a universalist and agnostic enough to have at least a little sense. So, this isn't me being "anti-Christian." But being formerly in the Evangelical / Baptist camp, I actually know a bit about certain "End-Times" superstitions). It's weird. It gets weird. If you haven't ridden that horse, you don't know the half of it, really. So, okay, this is the only time I've addressed this in depth on my tumblr, because I wanted to stay out of it. Why am I bothering now? I want to know if there are any guides or guidelines to writing my congresscritters about it. Sending a nice letter to my Senator (potentially reachable, he's the guy who looks like Mr. Clean and loves to troll Republicans), and to my Representative (Republican, but runs on bipartisanship). Is "Ceasefire" the only thing to call for, or should I demand more? How do I make myself out to make sure they know that I'm not "supporting terrorism" or lacking care for Jewish people / Israeli citizens? (How do I break some of the old indoctrination bothering my brain telling me that calling for peace is incurring a curse from God on me? Seriously, American Evangelicism is Messed! Up! Not like I haven't already done plenty of things to do that already...) How do I make it sound right? The last time I wrote a congressman, I got a dismissive form-letter back (It was over Supreme Court selection when RGB died, the Senator I wrote to was Republican and so I shouldn't have expected anything less). I expect to be dismissed, but I still want to say the right things. I feel the interdimensional ghost of my favorite anime character (Vash the Stampede) breathing over my shoulder and telling me that I ought to do SOMETHING to TRY to foster some love and peace in this world. I can't steal everybody's bullets and hide under a bar table like he can...

[deusexmachinawitch]

This is the post post for days 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 and 20. I was going to do 21 days of subliminals but because I’ve been sick and people have been asking me to extend this to a month or even 3 months, I might give a try on at least covering a whole month then I’ll see if I’ll extend it even more.

I’ve been mostly sick since there was a heatwave in my city and next week there’s going to be a severe weather change of cold and strong rain and storms. I’m chronically ill and while my health isn’t usually an issue, severe weather changes affect it. My defenses are really low and when someone arounds me carries something even as dumb as a cold, I get sick immediately. I feel much better but it has been hard juggling illness and work deadlines.

That being said, things haven’t been that bad. People close to me has brought me food and even my cousin came to take care of me and even did housework for me so I could rest. While this may sound like the most normal thing to anyone, in my case, this wouldn’t have been the case for me a year ago and even months ago. In my wildest dreams, I would have never imagined myself being this cared and treasured by so many people except for my SP. And when SP wasn’t around, I would be alone and miserable at bed whenever I was sick and that was very frequent.

With the discovery of the law, improving my self concept and the helpful subliminals… I don’t get as sick as often and when I do, I’m pretty much cared by others.

During this time, also people whom I thought cared about me showed their true colors and I decided to just think about myself. I was hurt on purpose and then gaslit, so I just wasn’t going to put up with that anymore. Especially because the same people have been gaslighting me for several months and disregarding my feelings towards matters that were really important to me. I decided to openly open up about this to a close circle of friends of mine and while people got really protective towards me, I told them that I could stand up for myself but I was really grateful that people finally understood my feelings and point of view when it came to things important to me such as my career path and my feelings towards SP.

While this isn’t a “cool manifestation” such as my phone and computer to possibly many people, this is a very valuable thing to me since my feelings tended to be dismissed a lot and there were a lot of people accepting me wanting SP for example but were really against him. But they finally understood that I’m aware of SP’s actions, I am not justifying the bad behavior and I can still love him while acknowledging that. Fear is one of the most scary feelings someone can have and it makes you do things that hurt you and others, he is now facing his demons and I know he’ll be back. But waiting doesn’t mean my life stops and that I’ll put up with hurtful behavior from him again if he cannot control his negative feelings. I’m in love but not pathetic.

Plus, what people doesn’t know is that I’m manifesting the best version of him. People currently think I’m lucky or that I do witchcraft and it works, it’s difficult for everyone to understand the law because of the fear of cults, the toxic positivity and wellness industry and that a lot of people are quite young in the community so they think it might be a fad. It doesn’t help that subliminals hav become famous due to the wrong reasons.

Still, it was shocking for people to hear my have an outburst and being strongly serious because I’m either too carefree or too controlled when it came to my feelings. But now, I know who’s a true friend and who’s not besides seeing who came to visit me when sick and whatnot. I don’t count the people who’re too busy with their own stuff though, I’m not that selfish.

As for my career path, somehow as soon as I voiced what I wanted to do, I am coming across tools and things that make my desires for my career path be either more easy or possible. So that’s another point for LoAss there lol.

About material things, I got many things for my new computer for free and it feels amazing. I have a new keyboard, small things to raise my screens, etc…

Still, one of the best things I’ve done with LoAss was to ask this to the law:

-I know what I feel about my SP, I’m totally sure about him. Still, I know that maybe I haven’t been as specific when it came to many things about what I want in this relationship to visualize this better. Because of my old story with parental abuse and even abuse by partners, it’s difficult to define what I would like because in the past I felt I wasn’t even given options. So, law, as a God… Show me what lies in my heart and how good in can get, turn SP into what I really want and need once you help me see better.

As soon as I did this, I came across romantic material and such that resonated with me. Also LoAss content that actually resonated with me and now I feel much calm and better. I really can feel I really shouldn’t worry. He really is with me because I’m the best.

I see the signs more intense than ever too… So I’m ready.

Still LOL how the hell am I going to explain many of the things in my life to him when we are together? I guess I’ll shroud myself in mystery, poor him.

[caffeinatedgoddess]

When You Name Your Demons....

**TW.....abuse**

This perfectly sums up this little writing exercise. Sometimes, you need to name your demon to exorcise it.

My demon? My abusive ex.

Just when I think I've healed from what he put me through, it comes back to haunt me. And sometimes, I summon that demon myself in a desire to see that he's getting what punishment I hope is coming to him for what he stripped me of (because karma's a bitch). Not my proudest moment, but sometimes the urge to know outweighs common sense. My hope is that asking some of the questions I never got to ask him will complete my healing. Because 10 years is long enough, for fuck's sake, and I don't want to waste another thought on him. And, maybe it's time to fully focus on my self-care. I readily provide Reiki healing to others but don't spend much time channeling it to myself. Maybe that's because I didn't want to fully heal until I was able to put these questions out into the ether. Maybe now that they are spoken, I can work on the true healing that I need.

Did you ever tell them that you were the one who wouldn't let me speak to them? Did you tell them that I actually called, but you told me the only way I could talk to them was if I came back to you? Did you know the reason I changed my phone number and dropped off the face of your earth is because you would leave me a voice message almost daily? Begging me to come back and then in the very same breath call me the worst names and threaten me?

Have you told your friends, new and old, why it is that I left? Have you told them that for 15 years, you gaslit me, eroded my self-confidence, blamed me for everything that went wrong, and physically abused me? That despite your Christian faith, you treated me in a way that would make most people feel dirty and ashamed? Or do they only know the story where I ran off with another man who had brainwashed me? Did you leave out the part where you abused me for 15 years? Does it make you feel better that they don't know? If they knew, would you lose all the sympathy you've gotten?

Did you ever consider that the reason I left your faith was because you emotionally and mentally abused me on a daily basis, all while you professed your Christian faith? That maybe, just maybe, I questioned where God and Jesus were while I sat crying for help year after year, and it never came? Where was your God while I contemplated ending everything? Did you ever think that maybe I felt like I had to answer my own prayers because no one else was?

Have you ever given one second of thought to how badly you damaged me? How the constant control you exerted over me made me feel like I was in a prison? How my body never felt like my own (you even tried to control how I styled my hair and used the bathroom, for fuck's sake)? How the constant blame you put on me for the misfortune in your life wore me down? How I never once did anything to deserve the physical and mental abuse you put me through, yet every day I questioned what I did wrong in God's eyes to deserve what you dished out? Or have the past 10 years been all about you and how you were wronged in all of this (and don't even bring them into it - that is a whole different conversation between me and them if they ever choose)?

I walked away because you made me hate you. Your touch made me cringe because I never knew when it was going to turn into a mean-spirited pinch or worse. You made me not want anything to do with you or anything your life touched. I couldn't trust you to take care of my soul, because you made it clear your goal was to crush it. The only person who ever abused me in my life was you....and only you. According to your Christianity, you were supposed to protect me. Oh, you did a good job of protecting me from others. But no one was left to protect me from you. When I first left you, I turned to our Christian brothers and sisters for help. Guess what. Only one stepped forward to support me, but even her support was limited since her husband was friends with you. Not even the preacher offered help.

I'm stronger now. I'm a force to be reckoned with. I've learned how to replace putting up walls with creating clear boundaries. I've learned compassion for others and allow them to come to me with their troubles, all while maintaining my healthy boundaries. I've become 10 times the woman I once was because I have someone who loves me unconditionally and allows me to be me. Not the version of me that they wish I were. You wouldn't like this version of me because you wouldn't be able to control her. Hell, I don't think you could handle her. She'd be too much for you. Yes, you had a hand in building her, but that's only because she had to put back together the pieces that you shattered all by herself. And when she put those pieces back together, she didn't use glue. She filled the cracks with the purest of gold. Now that I'm finally done with you, it's time to polish away the tarnish and allow that gold to shine.

[eccentricphilosoph]

The brony community tricked me for 10 years into thinking they cared when all they wanted to do was bully me, be disloyal, and have sex with me. The most misogynist and cowardly bunch of people.

I have been ignored, gaslit, bullied, harassed, sexually assaulted, sexually harassed, betrayed and lied to by this community who disguised itself as a community of friends. No one cares about each other because no one cares about themselves.

This was all because I was myself, not because I did anything wrong or because I deserved it. I was just a female who had a strong voice and called people out on their hateful actions.

I was treated like I was a complete idiot who just screamed all day about “drama” when I was just an intelligent woman who stood up for herself when harmed and wanted others to do the same. It is absolutely, without a doubt, the most traumatic experience. I regret it all besides the fact that I learned how cruel, but seemingly kind, people can be. That selfishness knows no bounds even for people who are relatively “normal” citizens.

I regret not listening to those who said they were bad. Usually I heard they were bad because there were trolls and because people made the mostly wrong assumption they were pedophiles. Thus, I never thought that even the “nicest” people in the community, who wouldn’t ever hurt anyone, would still turn away from a friend in need or gaslight them.

I thought I had friends. All I had were people who were “playing” friendship like a child would play house. Very very few ended up being authentic and those who were ended up leaving or distancing themselves in the end.