#like not in a BAD WAY i'm not emotionally self-harming i'm just like. oh my GOD. I AM IN PUBLIC. GIRL.

[crimeronan]

"i think i have a pretty good handle on the emotional landscape in this story even though i don't really relate myself to anything happening right now," i say, right before making myself grieve so hard i feel like i'm gonna throw up in this coffeeshop,

[factual-fantasy]

TUNA I'VE FAILED YOU OH YOU DELICIOUS PIECE OF MY HEART HOW'VE YOU BEEN MY DEAREST PUREST LITTLE GUY??!??

Since the last post you made about him I've been wanting to ScReAM my love for him but I never had the time and the energy at the same time! D: until now >:]

BECAUSE WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS?!

THE SMILE! THE FONDNESS! THE "I KNOW IM LOVED" THAT THIS DRAWING SCREAMS IS MAKING ME SO INSANE I LOVE SO MUCH HERE

Now, continuing to be an acceptable member of the Tuna Lover society.

TUNA YOU'RE THE ABSOLUTE BEST THING EVER.

Hold yourself because I have 0 self control when it comes to ramble about my specialist little guy and I'm afraid I wrote quite a lot.

Tuna looks like he is so tired. Look at him! His whole body language is screaming "I'm so tired but i dont really think sleep cluld help me". What did this rascal do that he's so tired? I wonder, but for some reason he looks more like being emotionally tired than anything. Poor bean! Did he had a rough week? A bad day? Is he feeling down? Maybe he's just tired for no specific reason, it happens sometimes. I wish I could cup him in my hands and pat his head softly as I rock him to sleep because he's so my baby :'[ <3

Ellie oh you heart of gold woman how lucky is the crew you're a part of it! Like seriously. She looked at this sad teen and said: not under my watch young boy. And went to cook his fauvorite rolls??!? She's so grannie coded I need her in my daily life you have no clue (oh no I got nostalgyc-). She's trying to hype him up and she's not just silently sliding the rolls under his hands. She's actually talking with him and something about physical contact. WAIT. IS THAT IT? IS TUNA SO VERY TOUCH STARVED THAT THIS IS HIS REACTION? OOOUGH MY HEART CANT HANDLE IT. I'll follow this train of thought later. (🚂)

Like. She's so gentle, so careful, so... She's really making sure she does all she can to lift up the spirits of that young man!

Because the way he's looking at her... the fondness.. the care and gratefulness????? Oh dear momma fish I'm dying. He's looking at her so sweetly! So gratefull! He's screaming "thanks for being a part of my life" without his mouth. He's screaming "I am so gratefull you love me" with his only one eye and I'm so down for it. I need more of them. They warm my fish heart so much... She's the grannie he never asked for bur always needed! Y'know? He's capable of looking at someone like that after all he's gone through and if that doesn't make me want to cry I don't know what does. Because that's just... OUGH I CANT WITH THEM HE HAS SUCH A TRAGYC BACKSTORY AND FEELS LIKE NO ONE LIKES HIM AND THEN THIS OLD LADY IS LIKE: YEAH, ILL BAKE HIM SONETHING SO HE CHEERS UP??!??! I NEED THEM HUGGING I NEED THEM BONDING I NEED THEM BEING A MEANACE TOGERHER BECAUSE OHMYGOD WHAT I WOULDNT GIVE TO SEE THIS TWO BEING LIKE THIS EVERYDAY.

A tiny part of me kinda wants to see one of them hurted really bad and the other protecting, but the other part of me is terrified of the mental implications it would have. Especially if it's ellie the one hurted. Oh no, no, let's end that thought there for my own sake 🫠

BECAUSE ELLIE IS JUST... SHE JUST BAKES HIM HIS FAUVORITR, I REPEAT, FAVOURITE THINGS WITHOUT HIM ASKING FOR IT.

Ok, returning with that train of thought (🚂)... I probably have alredy rambled about this before, but... When was the last time someone hold this guy gently? I mean, not even hold, but just... touch him without meaning harm? Or more precisely, when was the last time someone touched him with care? With fondness? With the intention to lift his spirit? To make him smile, at least a little tiny eety beety winesy bit?

She puts hers hand on his shoulder and he jumps, freezing with his mouth full of delicious food. It's her. Of course it's her, they were chatting alone in the kitchen, although it felt more a monologue as Ellie cooked than an actual conversation. He was too in his mind to really listen. The sudden contact was what made him blink with his only eye, staring at the caring old eyes of the lady at his right. It was nice. Warm and rough hands squeezed his arm softly, fully aware that she had startled him. She looked at him with a fond smile and placed the fresh rolls in front of him. "There, you better enjoy them boy!" She may or may not say. Thing is, his eye goes to the hot, delicious food, and then he realizes. The hand is still there. Gentle. Almost can't feel it. It's. Why? It's strange. It should hurt. But it didn't. Of course it made sense, but why? Of course it didn't! It was Ellie! And then the realization hits. All in a matter of seconds. Ellie would never lay a harming hand on him. And he felt... He felt.

"You can't eat literally with your eyes, you do know that, do you?" He forgot he was eating. He smiled. And seeing that smile made her smile too. After all, how couldn't she? That wasn't something she saw everyday! Much less in such a sincere way! He was just... smiling at her. Oh she felt so happy! "I'm glad you like those! If you want more just tell me!" Oh wasn't he in the verge of tears? Happy tears! Him! Oh. The realization hitted like a truck. (Or like a ship? What's the equivalent? Idk, like a punch of Louis if you please.) He was cared for. He was loved. There were hands in this world that weren't meant to harm him. He just smiled, fondness burning in his chest like a wildfire because how this woman can change a man via kindness/food.

What is so crazy is that maybe he's just staring lovingly at the lady that cares for him. Because he feels like he's a rock on the boots of the crew most of the time but he's good at what he does so they bare with him. Maybe he feels they don't want him around but... but this lady does. And isn't he gratefull for it? Isn't he so happy she's around? She touches his only arm in such a gentle way? The other won't feel kindness never again, did it ever felt it? Not punches, not grabs, no, just... placing her hand there. Like he isn't an animal with the rabbies but actually a just really fucked up little guy who is terrified of people because people gave him reasons to and barks and bites but is, at the end, very lonely and afraid because he pushed everyone away. Except for this lady. He tried. He bited and barked until he realized she doesn't care, that she alredy saw the scared guy he was and didn't cared. She didn't cared. She cared so much more than anyone that she didn't cared! She wasn't afraid! She wasn't going away! If anything, she sitted closer as time passed. And suddenly, a pet on the head. A so waited, so dreamed, so strange, so scary! Pat on the head. Gentle. Not like those who grabbed him to calm him down and only made him bark and bite with more energy. No. Gentle. It was new. It was nice. But he was afraid. Afraid. How long until she hits? He thinks. But she never hits. She brings him treats. Suspicious. But... not so... Why? It's just that he isn't used to see someone care. But she cares. And she doesn't goes away. And she doesn't turn her back. If anything, only to take the rolls out of the oven!

He doesn't thinks all that in the moment. He just wants. Oh. That felt nice. But was kinda unexpected. It's later at night that he thinks, if his three neurons decide to work. Mayne this is how his complex being feels but his tint neurons don't know how to think. He just loves and cares about the lovely woman that cares and loves back. I need more of them. They mean everything to me at this point factual I'm descending to madness.

AWROROOGOOGGHHHHGGGGG YOUR LOVE FOR TUNA FUELS MY SOULLL!!!! 😭😭THSNKYIUUUUU!!!😭😭💞💞💞💞

[opossumanon]

I was reading the reblogs of a post that basically said "Don't be a doomer about Kamala Harris being a black woman and worrying that racism and misogyny will lose her the vote, go out and campaign and vote and she'll win because we made her win" (Correct) and man...

The amount of people who get so obnoxious screaming about how voting for anybody in this election is morally horrible (No, it's our basic right and duty as Americans), how the rest of the world matters too (No shit Sherlock) and how "The leftism is leaving your bodies the second your rights are being threatened" and no????? Since when did being leftist mean shooting yourself in the foot to protest someone else being hurt????

To be clear, leftism is at the end of the day the belief that all people matter, all people deserve rights and happiness, housing is a human right, food and water is a human right, self-determination is a human right, war is bad, billionaires should never exist, etc. etc.

Leftism also means THINKING instead of just acting emotionally. Gaza doesn't benefit if we refuse to vote for Harris. The Democratic Party won't go "Oh no, the people are mad we didn't support Palestine :C" and even if they somehow did it wouldn't matter because Trump would be President and we'd all be fucked and he'd bomb Palestine anyways and then take a piss on their ashes.

Also it's important to note that Harris was part of the reason why Biden started to swing to the middle regarding Palestine and Israel. Harris pushed Biden into doing a lot of the leftist things he's done. Harris can be pushed too, we can elect her and say "Congrats on winning the office, now do these things for us" and she'll be more likely to follow through than fucking Donald "I can shoot a guy in the middle of the street and people would still vote for me" Trump.

I won't be able to vote in this election, but my goals/hopes for our future as a country are

Elect Harris

Bully Harris into cutting off support to Israel and pressuring them into returning the land stolen from the Palestinians

Make ranked voting a thing

Demolish the Electoral College with exploding car hammers

Get Trump tossed into prison for his countless felonies, plus treason

For fuck's sake people, please understand that the best way to help Palestine and the rest of the world, as well as ourselves, is to strategize, and voting for Harris is the best strategy we got right now, because "lol I'm gonna firebomb a Walmart" is never helpful. It's just talking the talk to sound all high and mighty while being a lazy shit and doing nothing of import.

Anyways before I dip remember that voting is harm reduction, especially make sure to vote in all your local elections, donate if possible, be an active member of your community, pick a particular cause you can fight for and fight for it, and you'll be way more helpful than any of the dumbasses screaming and crying about "boycotting" voting...Cuz that's totally how this works [insert facepalm emoji]

[vaguely-concerned]

Thoughts upon finishing Master and Apprentice! A good double read with Padawan; the ending of that leaving Obi-Wan slightly hopeful about his relationship to Qui-Gon makes for a very sad yet hilarious ‘Local Padawan loses last little bit of hope he didn’t even know he still had’ sort of vibe to the beginning of this one, which is set one (1) year later and Obi-Wan is So Done with Qui-Gon’s whole deal by this point (correctly btw). Also if you can’t tell already I will not be objective or free from bias in this because I love Obi-Wan so much and some of the stuff Qui-Gon pulled made me incandescent with rage on his behalf <3 let’s go

- 'oh obi-wan, you're so mature for your age, I keep forgetting you're only seventeen years old,' qui-gon says, word for word, repeatedly, in master and apprentice, apparently willfully deaf to the industrial-sized warning bells about their relationship dynamic that should probably be setting off in his head. qui-gon believes in vibing with the living force and being in the moment right up until the moment requires him to pay attention to the kid he's raising for more than oh, one and a half minutes of self-effacing inner monologue and then he's like 'well unfortunately there is simply no time for that right now there are prophecies to be pondered'. (the fact that the admission that obi-wan has essentially been left to raise himself emotionally and the resigned reframing of that as 'and maybe that is a good thing!' is part of the olive branch they extend to each other towards the end... will my sadness never end)

- most of all it's so heartbreaking to me that qui-gon seemingly never understands just how much obi-wan as a person is rooted deeply in shame. I don't think that's a feeling that's particularly prevalent in qui-gon's own inner world so he doesn't recognize how central it is in obi-wan's psychology and completely misunderstands and misaligns with him again and again and again and then gets annoyed with obi-wan for that, thus making the shame even deeper. doubly painful because he does see the way rael lives so much of his life out of shame now and feels sad about it, but can't see the way he's contributing to obi-wan doing so. this is what fucks me up so bad about the generational trauma in star wars -- no one here meant to be cruel. for all his faults I do think qui-gon does love obi-wan and doesn't mean to hurt him. but the original sin of the prequels as far as I'm concerned is qui-gon tenderly drying away obi-wan's tears as he's dying even while completely failing to see him, his eyes too fixed on anakin's future to actually be with obi-wan, who's there right now and needs him.

these are simply very different people trying and failing to understand each other, and the harm that can still happen in that… 'if you love me, you don't love me in a way I understand', all the way through the disaster line, even when the love is there, it is there, that’s what hurts the most, it just doesn’t reach where it’s needed, there’s a connection that doesn’t happen. (ironically I think ahsoka doesn't doubt that anakin loves her, it's just uh everything else that went down. so y'know family curse broken! new even more fucked up curse achieved now with more child murder. I mean there already was some child murder in this family but anakin upped the game exponentially) 

- a lil guy who's basically tarzan except the gorillas are replaced with protocol droids and then he becomes a jewel thief is one of the funniest star wars concepts I've ever heard and I hope pax and rahara get to pop up in more star wars media, they’re great fun. (also an idea I think would be super fun to make a character/campaign around in Edge of the Empire or something, everyone playing different droids and then one person being robo-parented lol) 

- was not prepared to have rael posit a theory of what essentially seems to be the jedi version of predestination in his despair, but I do love to see it haha. especially interesting since he, qui-gon and dooku must be among the people alive who've studied the prophecies in most depth, and they've all reached different conclusions -- dooku decides to join the war of light and dark on the side of dark for some reason, qui-gon (possibly the stubbornest fucker the jedi order ever produced) 'turns towards the light not to win some great cosmic game, but because it is the light', and rael in the middle falls into the depressed apathy of 'it doesn't matter what we do here, the outcome is already decided; for there to be true balance there has to be as much dark as light in the world so we're fucked'. but in the end he does take qui-gon's words to heart and turns towards the light rather than accepting dooku's offer, even if he might not believe it makes a difference in the long run. man I love rael. hobo-looking sonofabitch living in a castle for eight years will just suddenly fling out some deep jedi theology huh

- master rael 'I'm gonna make up for the big terrible mistake I made on accident by making an even bigger more premeditated mistake on purpose' averross (affectionate)

- the added layer to dooku’s fascination with prophecy after reading dooku: jedi lost — that his best friend in the world was a seer who couldn’t turn it off and it destroyed him……….. dooku you’re not getting him back if you just understand what he saw you know that right

- the more I read of master and apprentice the more I realize that the reason yoda and qui-gon don't get along is that they're two of the judgiest bitches the jedi order ever produced. They’re like two cats scowling judgmentally at each other from opposite sides of the room pretending to live and let live while going ‘you’re wrong tho’ internally. 

- I dunk on him constantly (not entirely without affection, however grudging), but Qui-Gon is genuinely a really interesting character. He’s so… he’s so. He’s infuriating but he’s infuriating in an equidistant sort of way. You feel me. He’s pissing everyone off equally and he just doesn’t care because again, he’s the stubbornest judgiest bitch around and thinks he’s right all the time. I would be free to just enjoy his ornery ‘no actually I’m right about this’ ass and the chaos he wreaks so much more if Obi-Wan didn’t have to live with the emotional consequences of it lol. 

- poor rael closing in on fifty with his puriteen middle-aged little brother clutching pearls about his getting laid once in a blue moon fhdskjahfas. again a really interesting insight into different ways of interpreting the jedi code, though, I love seeing the jedi not be an ideological monolith. to be fair to rael, having sex sometimes does seem to be the indulgence he has that causes the least conflict with his principles or loyalties so you know what honestly force speed you my friend why not. (and then there's qui-gon 'noooo sex is only okay if you're In Love (implied: like I was)!!!' jinn lmao. I wonder what he'd think of anakin and padme's relationship, would that pass the 'being sufficiently purely in love' test for him) I do like how consistently it’s shown that rael doesn’t mean to be cruel or unkind in anything he says, he always notices something landing too close to home and then pulls carefully back from it instead of pushing on. He seems to be the emotional intelligence powerhouse in this lineage (as long as he doesn’t have his feelings too tangled up in something, at least). 

Dooku: jedi lost also shows us that dooku absolutely knows rael is out there in the galaxy laying pipe and is, at worst, softly amused by it. So in this little family unit it’s only qui-gon losing his mind over it fjsdkafa I’m so used to having qui-gon be the wild card maverick compared to obi-wan ‘*in tears* but what are the RULES master’ kenobi, it’s so fucking funny that within the context that raised him he’s the stick in the mud 

I guess. the book also had a plot and it was not bad! some interesting insights about how the republic interacted with the big corporations and just how fucked everything already was by this point. I'm a pretty character-driven reader so that's what sticks with me for the most part

- obi-wan’s big teenage rebellion here being that sometimes. Occasionally. When he really loses his temper and gets hot under the collar. He’ll say something slightly passive aggressive out loud instead of keeping it contained inside his head. And qui-gon still can’t handle that gracefully AT ALL he snaps right back fdjskfhas. (I guess he also snitches on qui-gon to the council but well, you know, qui-gon was breaking republic law pretty brazenly at that point I think that moves beyond teenage angst and into ‘...master that’s a wholeass felony’ territory). Obi-Wan does go for a couple of low blows, but like. Nothing that’s not actually true, is the thing. And mostly he blames himself for not being good enough, because surely if he were qui gon wouldn’t treat him like this. Augh. hngh. Pain. suffering. 

- I am not one of the people who think everything would have automatically been just hunky-dory if only qui-gon lived and could have been anakin's master (in fact I would have given it a 50/50 chance of going exponentially worse way faster; being more similar as people is not always a guarantee that a relationship will go smoother and qui-gon is an incredibly difficult man to be close to for any length of time), but the way this book basically presents how the dynamic between dooku, rael and qui-gon could have gone on in the next generation too... it would have been incredibly unfair to obi-wan (as always I think that's just an universal constant lmao) but I think the odds of it turning out okay would have been better if you had him in the mix to run crisis control for both qui-gon and anakin, as he does for each of them individually as best he can anyway. at least he could have been free to be anakin's brother and friend purely in that scenario, without all the added mess of grief and having to take on a parental role there so young. he does basically fill that role in ahsoka's apprenticeship, after all.

- qui-gon finally hugging rael before he leaves the planet (and especially since when they were younger he wanted to, but held himself back from it)... that's still his big brother even with all the shit that's happened since ;_____; when someone teaches you how to swim (literally and symbolically) that shit stays with you I suppose

Relatedly: DOOKU getting hugged, and gladly. What the fuck. Are you all seeing this shit. I’m gonna cry or laugh I’m not sure which one why am I emotionally invested in the galaxy's most problematic grandpa now this sucks

[diviinaee]

HHAHAHAHAHAHA OK SO THAT QUINN AUDIO WAS SEVERE HEALING FOR ME

obvi spoilers for Facing Your Cruel Vampire Ex

DAMN THAT WAS FUCKING AMAZING BRO

first off i imagine at the beginning darlin is on a lil patio/balcony of the department, looking over the horizon, thinking about how they could ever hurt quinn in the way he hurt them

SAM COMING IN WITH THE FUCKING COMFORT WE ALL NEED I FUCKING LOVE HIM

the way he asked if they truly want to do this.

(ignore philosophy div for opening her mouth):

Is it truly you who wants revenge, or is it the angry, young, broken part of you, just wanting closure?

AND THAT I SAY BOTH BITCH. Who says closure can't be beating the shit out of an abuser? 😻🫶🏽‼️

ALSO DAVID SLAYED THESE PAST FEW VIDS. LIKE YUH BRIBE THE GOVERNMENT ‼️‼️

thank FUCK that mf is magically bound AND has his core muted bc istg if he would've tranced them i think i wouldve needed a lobotomy to process that /hj

ight so.

his nickname for them still IRKS me

again. DID ERIK CONTACT MY EX FOR THIS DIALOUGE CAUSE OUUCH.

"I'd hate to think my favorite thrall was hurting, at least in a way they didn't ask for." - THE GASLIGHTING AND VICTIM BLAMING IS FUCKING ATROCIOUS

idgaf if it's pathetic to fight someone who can't fight back bc its pathetic to hurt others to make yourself seem stronger 🫡

OH OKAY.

"Even after years and miles apart, short-temper, volatile nature, a fury inside that you desperately throw to any direction to keep it from pointing inward again. I guess now that you can't use my fangs to punish yourself and your new toy won't use his, you've had to find other ways to work through your pain. Apparently by putting it on others. How articulate of you."

CAN I TALK MY SHIT AGAIN?

QUINN IS OUTWARDLY VICTIM-BLAMING THIS POOR WOLF LITERALLY EVERY MINUTE THAT HIS MOUTH OPENS.

What he is saying is that Darlin' is the true mastermind here. He thinks that claiming that they consented to everything suddenly makes him the victim in their want for vengeance. He even plainly states it in this quote:

"I never did a single thing to you, that you didn't ask for first. [...] I'm not absolving myself of anything Precious. Believe me, I am intimately aware of everything I've ever done to other people. I have more than my fair share of sins. I delight in them. But when comes to you, everything I ever did was at YOUR request."

He is ultimately saying, "Hey I'm not the bad guy because YOU wanted it." He physically harms them during sex and spins it off as an act of self-harm on THEIR part and is using it to emotionally hurt and shame them. NOT TO MENTION, he is deliberately excusing the emotional hurt he also caused during their relationship by making it seem like they consented to that as well. SO. I need all of you to see remember the FIRST EVER SOLO SAM VIDEO.

They are a lone wolf who is hunting Quinn because of the pain that he caused SOMEONE ELSE. HE attacked their friend and they want revenge for that friend. While yes, at some point that revenge became for them as well, Quinn misses the fact that this whole journey of being hunted by Darlin' was because he hurt OTHER people. But that doesn't excuse his reasoning for his behavior in his role in their relationship.

ANYONE. (with a sane mind at least) WOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT.

Sure. Let's say that Darlin' WAS a troubled person who asked for pain throughout the relationship. People have kinks. Whatever. BUT, at some point, (if Quinn was sane) he would have asked why Darlin' asks for some much pain. THEN he would have found out that Darlin' felt as though they deserved it, and then he would've told them that they didn't. BECAUSE THAT'S HEALTHY COMMUNICATION. INSTEAD, Quinn sees this broken soul who is "consenting" to pain so that he was an excuse to unleash that pain. It truly is giving, "Hey I warned you so now you can't complain."

wow that was alot for me to just do that section of the video.

ANYWAY.

SLAY QUINN GOT MAD. STAY MAD YOU ASSHOLE.

THIS. QUINN SCREAMING AT THEM TO COME BACK.

HE KNOWS. He knows his effect on them is slipping. He knows they're healing. He is actively trying to make them believe that they are nothing but their time with him. HE KNOWS ALL OF IT. Trust me. I've seen an abuser's reaction to the victim's healing. IT IS LITERALLY THIS. They get so mad that their effect is no longer working. That they can't have someone under them anymore. IT MAKES THEM FEEL WEAK. Quinn truly overestimated himself BECAUSE of the fact that he counted on Darlin's mind. He relied on the idea that they would forever be haunted by him.

OK THATS ENOUGH OF PHILOSOPHY AND PSYCHOLOGY STUDENT DIV NOW MOVING ONTO CHEERLEADER DIV

WOOOOOOO SAM GOT HIS PUNCHES IN LETS FUCKING GOOOOOO

HE PUNCH FOR FRED. FOR BRIGHT EYES. FOR HIMM

also are we gonna ignore thats the first time that bright eyes was mentioned in a LOOOOONG TIME. CAUSE IM NOT. IM GONNA GO BATSHIT CRAZY OVER IT.

we love beating up abusive people. it should be normalized.

thank god for vampiric laws. WE GON WATCH THAT MF DIIEEEEE

LET IT DIE LET IT DIE LET IT SHRIVEL UP AND DIEEEEEE.

anyway anyone catch the fact that the "trip" David is planning is probably HBS.

THANK GOD JUNE IS HERE NOW BC I DON'T THINK I COULD TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS CANON ANGST.

also if anyone ends up asking me if i'm okay i'm gonna laugh cause I wrote some of this on a hospital bed LMFAOOOHDVBHDF

[firespirited]

So, uh, I had a nervous breakdown - emotional meltdown - mental overload and guilt spiral of sorts that culminated in 5 fully blank* days and nights (*I keep a "times, meds, symptoms and activities" notepad). It's over now as far as I can tell as the cause has stopped, I didn't harm myself beyond some self neglect or cause pain to anyone else. I'm ok, picking up the pieces and determined to get treatment.

Not even sure if those are the correct terms and feel kinda uncomfortable using them like I just "spontaneously broke" as opposed to getting broken down by others but no one here is ready to talk about that so Emotional Breakdown™️ will have to do. Now that I've done a bunch of research and self-examination it was more of a PTSD reaction, a prolonged emotional flashback that I didn't know how to stop and with no outside relief or help.

Long post under cut

I was unfortunately mentally lucid and reacting to very real things but in an emotionally disproportionate way... which was actually not very impressive at all since everything but the sobbing and some talking to myself was happening on the inside, in the foetal position in my pitch black room because who knew? Stress in the neck or face sets off the mega migraines 🙃.

Very uncinematic. Barely an inconvenience to my flatmates. I force-fed myself bread, water and whatever meds might cause withdrawal if discontinued, fed Lily her pain meds at around the same time every night. I'm going to get a good grade in not being a danger to anyone or myself 👍👍👍

I began sedating myself as soon as the urges for inside pain to be visible on the outside got strong enough to actually visualize concrete ideas. Nothing with withdrawal potential: a few months worth of anti allergy meds, M eventually called the doctor once I ran out and had to tap in to my sleep meds, 5 days in to the full-blown meltdown.

Why sedation? I happen (lol no, it's actually pretty related to the ptsd) to be an expert on all things suicide and didn't want those thoughts to even get close to started.

My doctor is stellar, she believed me, didn't act like my grief was unwarranted, prescribed more anti-histamines and kindly but firmly told me to stop blaming myself for other people's choices, we just can't control how other people choose to act. The self loathing had started from a seemingly obvious pattern and spiralled way out of any kind of logic. That grounded me a little on Wednesday.

We talked over my options : the local psych ward is the opposite of restful or safe for migraines; the care homes have waiting lists, especially in summer when people drop off the elders to go on holiday but she's going to try and find me a slot if the current home stability breaks again. Not having any extended family or local friends meant no escape and that didn't help mentally either.

I feel like I've had a really bad flu, I feel very fragile. I feel like things have been very unfair but also not safe enough to indulge any anger about it, not here and now so a sort of numbness has settled in... emotional that is, the migraines are stomping my head and also irritating the bowels because why not add insult to injury? 😂

Mum's violent mood swings were over on Thursday morning and on Friday I decided I had to face life, get back in the saddle before fear could kick in and helped sis go to an appointment that she was very nervous about. Just about managed then crashed the rest of the day.

It felt good to be useful 😊💖and I needed the perspective of there being a whole wide world out there, not just the lovely tumblr folks in my phone 🌸💕🌸 who are close but also unreachable.

Moral of the story, if there is a moral to any of this, … ? Repressing your fears and emotional pain for 30 years will turn you into a sobbing blob with little to no control so don't assume you're handling things because, yes technically you are, until your last tether breaks and then you're just a trauma response at full volume.

Oh and flashbacks don't automatically happen visually or in nightmares like in the movies. I already knew that for me, specific memory flashbacks seem to cause a hollow and weak nauseating feeling like when adrenaline is wearing off but now I know emotional flashbacks are more of a paralysing overwhelming series of waves of many strong feelings. One of the more identifiable red flags among the general mess of emotion for future episodes would probably be irrational and very potent guilt/shame.

So uh yeah, sorry I haven't checked in for over a week or done much of anything, I'll try and catch up as soon as I can 🥰

So now it's beyond confirmed : I have PTSD from stuff that ended over a decade ago, stuff from far older too, you think time heals all but it doesn't heal untreated wounds and I'm going to seek treatment no matter what.

It's mortifying to talk about but if I tell you lovely people, well, I can't run from it any more.

I'm also going to need to set boundaries with some very fragile people but not without the help of an expert, I've been caring for sis and her borderline tendencies for over a year this time around and not been allowed to set limits. Mum's crossed a line she can't even see yet. It could be months before that's a subject we can safely approach.

I have a post in my drafts from last November about finding great happiness in a bare room of a few boxes, a mattress and the internet and how I'd be quite content to live that way again: peace really is worth it. It's like a letter to myself that this was coming and reassurance that I've been happy before despite frightening change and financial poverty.

I have duties to my family and they too have been good to me - there's the expectation that therapy will "toughen me up" to better manage but I can tell from just that disastrous first session with mum present, that boundaries will be part of the deal. That's the most frightening and delicate part. I have been eldest daughter, big sis, selfless friend and good kid™️/parenting kid from my very first memories, any change will be perceived as not being me any more (maybe even to myself), it'll also go against deeply ingrained societal and personal habits.

__________

In other news Lily turned 16, she is happy and healthy. She's been with me for 9 years.

I was hoping to train a new therapy dog as she's been retired for a couple of years and even lined up a sweetheart of a rescue called Vanina. That can't happen yet. Or maybe that's something I need. Idk.

I don't expect any major pivot in the doll hobby, watch habits or Patreon/support to friends at this point but it's all in the air.

Looking forward to getting back to normal and also cherishing (in an odd sort of way, maybe that's not the right word) this moment as a "survived it!!" thing but also "WOW you needed help and it's overdue".

Take care of yourselves lovely people. See you soon.

[go-to-the-mirror]

This is MAG 131 - Flesh. God, I'm not okay. I'm gonna try have good words today.

@a-mag-a-day hi howdy im sooo normal about this episode.

CWs for canon-atypical discussions of canon-typical self-harm & suicidal ideation.

Canon-atypical bc Jon's like "hey" *does really fucked up thing to himself* "anyway"

I'm swearing as little as I possibly can while discussing this episode /hj.

Anyway, the analysis part is at the end, but I say good words in the rambles.

[Tape clicks on.] (There’s a deep breath. The breathing intensifies, before a determined exhalation.) [Thunk.] (There’s a whimper.) [A wet ripping, as of extracting a blade from flesh.] (The Archivist makes a pained noise. Then grumbles as his breathing evens.) [The tape crackles.] (The Archivist clears his throat as a second cleaving is attempted.) [Thunk] (The Archivist whimpers again.) [Fleshy extraction and tape crackling again]

JESUS CHRIST WHY DOES IT SOUND SO LIKE- GOOD??? HEARTWRENCHING??? Well done to the editors of this episode, and Jonny for the... pained whimpers -- jesus christ -- but my heart, my soul, how am I meant to emotionally recover from that, good lord Jon put the fucking knife down.

ARCHIVIST (Pained frustration) Oh, come on… Everyone else can carve up the Archivist, but when he actually needs it…

This line this fucking line. Oh my god I love this line, I hate this line, this line lives in my brain rent free, this line is the worst and best thing to ever happen to me, this fucking line, oh my god.

Something about the lack of control, mayhaps. Like, he can be hurt by others, he's hurt by other's plenty, but he can't hurt himself, he can't cut off his own finger, he can't make his informed decision that throwing himself into the Buried with only his severed finger is better than staying above and being a monster.

MELANIE (Charged tones) Yes, the bullet was bad, right, but it didn’t make me angry. Anger is… Anger’s been all I’ve had for a very long time. Years. Maybe since… oh, I, I don’t know. But everything I’ve done, everything I pushed for was because I was angry. Angry at being passed over, being disrespected, ignored. That sort of anger, it-it powers you. Right up until it slips out and hurts someone. I hurt someone. And then one day, I suddenly have this thing that takes all that rage, and it holds it, tells me it’s right, that it’s me. It didn’t stay in my leg because of some ghostly masterplan. It stayed because I wanted it.

Right, so, I really like this line because I used to be angry all the time, because of Personal Reasons, and like... that line. Just strikes me right to me core. Anger that becomes you, or maybe you become it. Anger that you love because you love yourself (right?), but you hate because you hate yourself. Anger that feels justified, was justified, but now you're just hurting people.

...

God, I love this show.

ARCHIVIST Oh, th-the blade keeps going in. And… it hurts. Hurts plenty. But then it heals up. Pretty much the moment I take it out. No wound, no scar, nothing.

Jonnnn stop trying to cut your finger off to save the life of someone who you don't even like and who tried to kill you because you think it'll make Basira think you're useful, and Melanie think that you didn't deserve to die with Tim and Daisy, and Martin stop being so distant. Or just so you'll die, or something close.

God, Jon, like I get why he's doing this, and he's not an idiot but I just want... headinhands.

ARCHIVIST I mean, you'd think I'd have a better idea how to do it. All these… all these statements and… (Small laugh) You know who I need? I need the Boneturner. (Sighs) Just reach in and grab a rib. Job done.

I like how he says it, he's very funny, I like him. :3 (no way??? kris likes jon??? crazyyyy)

ARCHIVIST You’re still wearing her face.

yeah um so like Jon sort of watched helen die (?). what's this, 5 people he feels responsible for the death (?) of? christ, no fucking wonder, no fucking wonder he's like this.

ARCHIVIST We’re not people, though, are we? Not anymore.

headinhands. sure, maybe he's a monster now, an Avatar, maybe he's hurting innocent people but christ... Tim's not his fault, Daisy's not his fault, Helen's not his fault, Sasha's not his fault, the fucking bully's not his fault. Some things are his fault, yeah! He doesn't deserve to die for them! Sure, maybe you're not a person, Mr. Sims, but you're an alright monster, you're a fucking alright monster who's going above and beyond for someone who tried to kill you and you don't have to to prove to yourself and Basira and Melanie and Martin that you deserve to live.

I care him.

JARED That’s what it says on me licence. Mind you, the picture’s a bit out of date.

Every day I remember that Alex voiced Jared.

ARCHIVIST Right. But… you know if you do, you're never getting out of this place.

*guy who's only read PJO* I'm getting serious PJO vibes from this.

Like, idk? For some reason my brain thinks "Annabeth" when I hear that line.

ARCHIVIST Take something out. A bone. A rib, probably. S-Something I won’t miss.

JON YOU FUCKING NEED THOSE.

Jon... Jon... those are IMPORTANT. oh my godd "something i won't miss" ah yes compromise the structural integrity of your skeleton before jumping in the Crush-You-To-Death dimension. Such a good idea /s

Where do you want me to start? Growing up? My folks? How ‘bout that growth spurt when I was nine? It left me taller than all the other kids. I hated them, the way they stared.

I'm actually fairly broad shouldered, and somehow taller than a lot of people, despite being pretty average height, and it always makes me feel really weird when I'm around people who're shorter and/or smaller than me. Like I'm looming over them or something. Bodies are weird. I like being tall though, it annoys my middlest sister <3

But it talked to me about bones and flesh and muscle and blood; the bits of myself I actually knew and liked.

Can't relate (transgender)

Some of my mates, the ones I helped find their proper bodies, they listened, and went to feed the hunger.

The... things in MAG 130 reminded me a lot of Jared's victims from the gym, so maybe those were his "mates."

I don’t blame people for thinking that all bones are the same, most people don’t have much experience, but it’s not true. There are good bones, and there are bad bones, and Regan Hasnain had some very good bones in her. They were solid, healthy, and they jumped at my touch. I didn’t doubt the letters again.

How the fuck did Elias know what bones were good and bad- I mean yeah probably spooky eye nonsense, but still? Asjdfsahf

ARCHIVIST That’s it? (He snorts) Hardly worth a rib.

Sorry, mate, we're doing body horror this episode, but like not in the statement... oooh sorry you had to find out this wayyyy, yeaahhhh

(The Archivist makes noises of pain.) [Extended sounds of meat and bone movement]

Here's a moment where the unofficial transcripts are absolutely superior, also here's a moment where I'm like what the hell? The sounds are so??? Disgusting?? /pos. The editors did a fantastic job on this one. And Jonny's quite good at uh... strangled sounds of pain. Jesus, Jon. oh god. it's so. YEA. /pos

Yeah. This episode right? Oh god, Jonny why. Jonny why. Like than you, yk, like 10/10, I like my fictional characters emotionally and physically damaged, but ALSO those noises of pain. They sounded. 10 out of fucking 10.

Anyway, onto the speaking with good words part.

I think a lot about Jon's Flesh mark, and The Flesh in general, because it's one of my absolute favourites of the Fears, and my favourite mark that Jon got, hands down. Because, it's not only got the surface-level, face-value, Flesh thing. You take out the ribs! That's horrifying, Jared reaching into Jon and pulling out his ribs in isolation is horrifying, but it's not in isolation. This happened with Jon's need to prove himself as useful, his belief -- that is supported by the people around him -- that his life is only worth something if he's useful.

ARCHIVIST Fine. I don’t care if you trust me, but I think I’ve proven at the very least that I’m useful. So, use me.

(MAG 133 - Dead Horse).

And The Flesh mark? He got Jared to take out his rib, he asked Jared to do grievous bodily harm to him, because he thinks his life is only worth something, that he should only be allowed to live, if he's useful. If he can "right his wrongs", if he can save Daisy.

The Flesh mark wasn't just the rib, it was his need to prove himself as useful, made manifest. And in the end, the rib didn't even work. "There wasn’t single suitable cut." He 'made himself useful' by saving Daisy, but the rib was useless. He put himself through that for nothing except serving someone else's purpose. Something to be used and ultimately to discard.

[pasta-in-the-pudding]

TW self harm

I found out from Killian's creator that Killian self-juries himself. If you're comfortable with writing this, culd you write sum non graphic hurt/comfort fluff of y/n finding it he hurts himself then comforts him and cheers him up until he's happy and smiling again? If ur not comfortable writing the topic, I apologize and u can just ignore and delete my ask

Ty and have a good day I love the way u write the creeps♥️

Awww thank you <33

TW: Mentions of self harm!

Thank you so much for requesting!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Helping Killian through a depressive state

Killian struggles heavily with his mental health. This is widely unknown by most creeps. He is seen by most as a cold, emotionally detached individual. But you knew him.

You knew the way his eye twitched when he's tired. You knew the way he furrowed his brows when he's focused. You knew the way he grinds his teeth when he's annoyed.

And it's these little things that help you read him. It took a while, but after learning all of his little quirks and traits, you are able to take one look at him and practically see what he's thinking written above his head in bold letters.

Today, he was even more distant than usual. More cold. More detatched. You studied him carefully throughout the day, trying your hardest to at least get him to talk to you, but it was no use. When he got home from work, he didn't greet you with a mumbled "I'm home." And a sweet kiss to your nose as he usually does. Instead, he went straight upstairs to his bedroom.

After hearing the door close gently, you get up from the couch you were sitting on, and look up the stairway. Dark, hollow, empty. You begin to walk up the stairs, calling out to killian softly. There was no response. And as you reach the top, you see the glow of the light from his lamp. You open the door and call out to him once more.

"Killian? Darling?" You say softly. You see a slight movement from the bed. You walk over to him and press a hand to his shoulder, which receives a flinch in response. That's no good. You take your hand away and tilt your head. "Are you ok?" You whisper.

It is silent for a moment, before slowly, the blankets are pulled down to reveal bloody cuts along his arms. You gasp and get off the bed, coming to kneel at the edge. There are new tears that trickle down his face as he stares at you blankly, awaiting your response. You wipe the tears from his cheeks as you observe the wounds. "Oh, angel..." you whisper. "Im sorry" he whispers back.

You stand and pull him into your arms, coming to lay back down on the bed with him in your lap. You cradle him, and shush him. "No, no. Don't ever be sorry, baby" you mutter to him. "I'm sorry i wasn't there when you needed me"

He shakes his head and holds his arms. "It hurts so bad." He whispers to you. "I know angel, I know. Come on. Let's get you cleaned up."

You help him stand and begin helping him clean his wounds and bandage them. He is silent during the whole process, and you are too. You have him wrapped up in a blanket sitting on the couch before you speak again. You are cooking him some food as he stares blankly at the floor. You look at him with a worried look before opeing your mouth to talk. "Hey, I'm here for you, you know? It's not like I'm gonna dissapear the second you need me."

He smiles to himself and looks up at you. "Thanks." You cup his cheeks and kiss him sweetly. "If we need to work something out, so that you're able to feel comfortable asking for help, thats ok" you whisper to him with a smile. He nods. "I think I'd like that" he responds, kissing you back.

[thefluoritebpd]

This is a vent post, read it at your own risk. TW for BPD splitting, abdnonment, yelling & nervous breakdown.

Why do we keep pushing people away whenever we're having a BPD episode? And why the fuck do people try to mirror our episoes EVERY TIME EVEN IF THEY DON'T HAVE BPD?? I. Can't. Help. You. I'm trying, but my desire to go absolutely feral is WAY stronger than you may think, and my desire right now to just mute you on every single device and on every single app is so fucking strong. I don't even know if I'm wrong or not, I don't even know if I should be reacting like this, I know I'm splitting, heavily, mutliple of us are, but JFC PEOPLE. I HATE THIS. I CAN'T COMFORT YOU. I WANT YOU BUT I CAN'T. I'M SORRY I HURT YOU, I'M SORRY I ALWAYS END UP HURTING YOU, I TRIED EXPLAINING IT WAS BPD, AND IT NEVER WORKS. WE ONLY END UP DRIVING PEOPLE AWAY. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M MAD ABOUT?? OR WHAT MY EMOTIONS ARE?? I DON'T EVEN THINK YOU'RE IN THE WRONG?? I'M JUST- HUH??? I DON'T KNOW. I don't know. I hate myself so much. We lost another one because we're like this. Maybe BPD does make us a monster, but ofc, just leave. Go. Just go. Or I will. We don't even need to say anything, we can just split up like that. You can ghost me from now on. Others did before, haha. It's fine. Right? it's what's supposed to happen. Just gonna turn my status to offline, and feel like I shouldn't text you first this entire time. And probably hurt a lot emotionally. That's fine. It's fine. It's not a nervous breakdown I'm having rn. It's not that I'm this close to breaking that self-harm streak, and the only reaosn I'm not is because I'm "healthy" now. Just leave me. Leave me be. Cause if I can't help you right now, then you're just gonna leave, right? I can't calm you down. I'm trying but I can't. And it doesn't matter how much it hurts me and how much will it takes for me to stay cool when I'm splitting heavily and it's hurting me so bad, I wish nobody ever experiences that kind of pain. Cause if I can't help, you'll leave. How many times did people make us help them while we were splitting? Or just having another one of those BPD episodes? I don't know. But you are mirroring me, I am trying to help, I can't calm you down, but if I don't help, you'll just play intot he worst fear I have, I can't fucking calm down, I can't calm down, and I can't calm you down either. Hands are cold. I'm shaking. I hrut another one. Both of us hurt our loved ones again. What is wrong with us?? We always end up hurting our loved ones. Why did we even think somebody will understand? Oh, and there are the suicidal thoughts, haha. Alright.

Will I regret this post later? Oh, absolutely. I fucking hate myself so much. Why am I this useless? Why am I like this? Why can no one ever understand, why can we never help anyone, why do people always end up leaving if we can't help, WHY DID IT HAPPEN AGAIN?? WHY DID YOU ABANDON US??? WHAT DID WE DO??? WHY DO WE ALWAYS END UP ABANDONED??? WHY DO SIMPLE MISUNDERSTANDINGS ALWAYS LEAD TO US GETTING HURT OR ABANDONED??? I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! PLEASE, HOW CAN I BETTER MYSELF???

-co-host & persecutor-caretaker

[olderthannetfic]

I’ve posted anon hate because it’s been genuinely funny. I write a ton of things and, pretty cyclically, someone who found me for X ship or X trope find out I’ve also written something “bad” and flip. I’ve started a bingo for it. I do delete most of it, but some have made me laugh, or I feel messy enough in a given day, to be post.

(I do know, or assume, anon was referring more to the people who post anon hate in a more *woe is me* or *look how hated I am and give defend me* way, but just throwing in my two cents as someone who gets it on and off for fics and posts occasionally)

--

Oh, I post it occasionally myself. I don't think anyone thinks it's weird to post it if you've only ever gotten one or two or if your reply is really funny or interesting.

It's more the people who post it all the time and who seem genuinely emotionally compromised by getting anon hate. The more you freak out in public, the more attractive you are to bullies. The more you post anon hate, the more people realize that their own hateful message will see the light of day. It becomes an attractive nuisance.

I'd have the same reaction to someone who was like "I went into my NOTP's tag, and I'm so upset by what I found there" repeatedly. There's a certain self harm vibe.

[joziokowalski]

tw again i suppose. spilling some brain vomit just because i feel like talking through some stuff but don't really feel like talking to anyone directly

now when it comes to self harm. i tend to have a no-big-deal kind of approach to it & i hate it when others get all freaked out about it bc honestly. it's not too different from tons of other unhealthy things people turn to when they're in distress imo, it's just that cutting yourself is seen as an especially ✨mentally ill✨ thing for some reason. + at the time when i injured myself habitually it was less helpful to resist the urges than to just let it happen and not be bothered by it, and i think being generally relaxed about it actually helped me taper it down, so this attitude has been beneficial to me in some respects. but now that i'm on a quest to detect all the ways i dismiss & avoid stuff, i guess there is an element of that here, especially in that i tend to downplay the reasons i do it in the first place. like the cutting itself may not be dangerous or particularly distressing, but reason tells me that one doesn't end up with a long-term habit of cutting themselves unless one is already in a shitload of pain. and you know what i am indeed quite frequently in a lot of pain, and the amount of pain i have been in since early adolescence is actually pretty crazy, however much i prefer to go "oh it's not that bad everyone around me has it soo much worse". but see when you put it like this and just sit there and stare at the fact that you've been carrying around a decade's load of barely bearable emotions that you aren't trying to ignore anymore it's like. what the fuck do i do with it now. how do i respond when someone notices my scars if i don't go "oh it's no big deal" anymore. how do i even relate to my history which is like. visible all over my body tbh. i've spent such a long time trying to appear Reasonable and Balanced and Composed or at least not appear hysterical and emotionally taxing to be around i've no idea how i'm supposed to deal with being a dramatic ass bitch without dying of embarrassment. like how are you a sensible legal adult having such overblown reactions to things everyone deals with and comes out fine. how will i ever be close to anyone when getting close to me means witnessing this absolute fucking mess

[randomfandombullshiz]

How to Write ALL CAPS (Sam/Steve/Bucky) Fanfic According to Stuckies

Disclaimer: This is obviously not all Stucky fans. I follow a few Stucky fans on my main account that I have no problem with because they know how to treat Sam Wilson and other characters of color (specifically black characters) . It's mainly our palm colored counterparts, and even some writers who aren't black but are poc, who still seem to struggle in this regard. If this doesn't apply to you, don't be Captain Save-A-Hoe in the comments. If it does...well...a hit dog gon' holler. Bitch, do better.🤷🏾‍♀️

Stucky (about each other): We have been destined by the cosmos to be soulmates even when we were still in our dads ballsacks. We knew we were in love 5 months after we were born because it's just that strong. When we had nothing, we had each other even though Bucky was trying to fuck his way through Brooklyn and catch every possible disease, including but not limited to: polio, the black plague, and the clap. When we went off to war, that bitch Peggy took advantage of Steve and Bucky was just a woobie who needed him. Now that we're together again, no one can tear us apart again and Steve will even threaten people who are understandably weary of Bucky. Sooooo romantic!

Stucky (about Sam): Who??? Oh, hiiiim. Yeah, he's cool we guess. He's a trained therapist* who can treat us like his patients! And he's sooooo much bigger than us** and since our authors can't figure out which of us to make the twink, he can be our big black mandingo who treats us rough, with no respect. And after that, he can do whatever else it is he does but only after he's done cooking, cleaning, and making sure we're okay. And he can do that because he NEVER has bad days and he definitely doesn't have any trauma even though he served two tours in a pointless war and watched his best friend get hit by an RPG.*** But he still doesn't have it as bad as we do and we should be taken care of before all else!

Sam (about Stucky): They are so beautiful and precious. Their hair, golden wisps of sunshine and thick brown locks, is a thing worthy to be praised. Their lips are thick and full and as red as a cherry. They have the best asses that are perfectly round and big.**** I don't deserve them because I am a lesser man. But they want me to be their big black mandingo and nobody could refuse that offer. I will treat them like the delicate flower petals they are. They are way out of my league. Not because I have self esteem issues (I'm so mentally and emotionally stable, I've never had any trauma) but because they are just the epitome of beauty and class. I'll never live up to them. Siiiiigh.

Happy writing!

BONUS

How to deal with comments criticizing your portrayal of Sam

Comment: Uhhhh....this is racist

Your reply: Race had NOTHING to do with this and it just shows that YOU are the racist one for bringing it up! If it's soooo racist, why did I let Sam into their pure Aryan relationship, huh????

Comment: Hey. You might want to get a sensitivity reader. The way you wrote Sam is basically a caricature of horrible/harmful stereotypes of black men where they can't be taken care of or loved the same way other races can. Especially when you write him as some aggressive and emotionally stunted person during sex.

Your reply: Uhmmmmmm???? So black men can't like rough sex???? Who are you to say that no black man ever can like rough sex???? I wrote him that way because Sam is a rough person and always does things fast and hard and yes, that includes having sex!***** Nothing about my fic was racist so all you people are racist for saying thaaaaat!!!!!!

~~~~~Nooooootes~~~~~

*No, he is not.

**Fan artists specifically kill me with this because they say it's based on MCU but canonically, Sam is shorter than both Steve and Bucky.

***No, I don't think y'all understand. So many people write out the scene where Riley gets shot out of the sky and it's usually his wings that get hit and then he falls to the ground. Look up what an RPG is and watch videos of what it does. Riley would have gotten torn through like a piece of wet tissue paper and had pieces of his body going in every direction. To have to watch that take place would be traumatizing as FUCK and I don't think people take that seriously enough.

****This is a lie. Iykyk.

*****This was an actual comment I read on an actual fic that the author actually commented. Sam Wilson???? Rough???? The dude is badass. We all know this but when has he ever been rough with anyone??? He's the literal most kind, compassionate, softest, and thoughtful person in the MCU methinks. Where tf did this characterization come from??? Y'all let me know.

[ebbarights]

alright so people won't be annoyed at me liveblogging a three day old episode with thoughts they have already seen a million times i will compile all my thoughts into one post so you can just skip this

SHIV PREGANTE??? i was 80 percent sure this was happening but i'm still fucking surprised just like with logan's death

the intro sounds soo fucky. like i thought there was something wrong with my speakers but this happening right after logan's death I LOVE IT

hiam abbass in intro we love to see it

i feel like i do have to add (since no one will read this anyway) that the reason it has taken this long for me to watch it is that i really really think watching succession is bad for me. like it kind of counts as self-harming behaviour i think. but yesterday i went on a long walk that really helped and now i feel more equipped for the episode. let's see if it undoes all the progress!!

MARCIAAAAAAAAAA MY LONGEST YEAH BOI EVER

this really is the season of hugs

'i'm sure it'll crush me eventually' 'pre-grieved' relatable repression king

my one wish for when the show is over is that someone makes a greg-less cut. just remove all of the scenes where greg's there

first sympathetic karl moment

the HEAVY swedish accent oskar has i love it

willa absolutely slaying that dress and marcia. queen on queen violence

krank real

'i have been worried that this was gonna happen for ages' real. whenever anything bad happens i have already anticipated it and so my emotions never feel real in the moment? like i've practiced them already so often that it's hard to feel something u know

kind of weird to say and probably gonna bite me in the ass later but it really seems like kendall is the most well-adjusted of all of them

'he's a bit racist' interesting use of present tense there roman. sure you've pre-grieved enough

kendall's second name is logan officially confirmed huh

frank openly laughing at greg i loooove it roman fully saying he hates him i am so here for this

is it real motif showing up yet again

i actually can't bear this frank kendall dialogue

did frank say 'he left you' or did he say 'he loved you'

roman just immediately leaving when tom shows up. same

i never would've guessed that shiv would blame herself. honey being on the plane didn't kill him. but it makes so much sense that she feels left behind and alone

i still want to know about how shiv and tom met and what that difficult time was

like i fully believe tom loves shiv and that he means what he says when he tries to comfort her. but with the background of his one ally being dead there's just no way that shiv can believe a word he says, and it's gotta be at least one motivating factor for him

DOG WITHOUT IT'S PERSON roman take a look at that mirror and see what you might find in there

clogged toilet -> bodily fluids motif really all the motifs making a comeback this episode

why is shiv like half a head taller than roman her heels aren't that high

STEWYYYYYYYYYYY

KERRYYYYYYYYYYYY

greg stop talking about being distasteful you fully asked for a job while logan was in a coma

i love roman being nice to kerry maybe i'm naive but i can't see an ulterior motive for that? unless he wants to be like logan oh my god please don't please no

romtom real (also i just accidentally typed rimtom. accidentally? guess we'll never know)

stewy lore his dad is 95 and is 'normal' enough to just randomly sue his neighbour

KENSTEWY REAL

haunted house motif real

i love willa's mom

roman's joking about growing old sharing a bed with his siblings like charlie and the chocolate factory but i'm serious i want that. in my life. both for them and for me and my friends

roman yet again being the only one who thinks about connor. at all

helping old ladies cross the street somebody kill me

roman admitting he betrayed them just so he can get a shot at ceo. well at least he told them himself?

here's the thing i kind of think kendall's right about shiv not really working but. god emotionally i will kill him for you shiv. cutting her out again?????

'i'm not trying to fuck anyone' ace king

shivshivshivshivshivshiv

GREG I LOATHE HIM

SHIVSHIVSHIVSHIVSHIV

connor's mom?????

jesus kendall. i knew he would do this but jesus.

once again the end titles music is so fucking amazing.

[multi-lefaiye]

🤌🏼 what feels does it hit?

🧩 most important scene?

🔫 is there a death?

💍 biggest supporter for WIP?

💫 current choice of WIP title?

🚨 any trigger warnings?

🎢 characters involved in WIP?

ohoho yes thank you!!!! :3c i'll answer these under the cut <3

what feels does it hit?

oh so many. fragile things really hits me emotionally in a lot of ways, and i'm the one who created it!!! specifically it really hits me in this place of like... loneliness and missing someone in a very specific way, except i'm not missing any specific person.

most important scene?

i think the confession scene is definitely up there--it's the end of the first 'arc' of the story (the Pining™) and represents a very happy moment in arthur and noah's life, but it also sets up a lot of things that will later cause problems for them.

is there a death?

i haven't been too subtle about this one haha, but yeah, there's some death. more specifically, arthur dies. half the premise of fragile things is just knowing that this part of the story has an unhappy ending </3

biggest supporter for WIP?

oh gosh i'm not quite sure how to answer this one!!!! but i will say i've been genuinely really grateful and blown away by everyone who's shown interest in and supported this wip!!!! i super appreciate it <33

current choice of WIP title?

the full title is 'for we are both fragile things'!! i call it just 'fragile things' as shorthand though. i have considered the alt title 'arthur dies at the end' but that feels a bit too comedic for what i'm going for. plus, well, arthur's death is set up pretty early.

any trigger warnings?

oh absolutely!!! the biggest ones off the top of my head are for toxic romantic relationships, substance abuse (especially alcohol), homophobia, transphobia, suicide and self-harm, and stalking. it's not as bad as it sounds, but it goes to some dark places.

characters involved in wip?

there are more characters than JUST these two, but the protagonists of this story are noah phan and arthur huffman! two men who meet in college, fall in love, and eventually fall out of love in a tragic series of events that are both inevitable and very, very avoidable.

[sweetofsin]

okay random thought but like when it comes to sex and kinky stuff it's like okay to each their own. but i feel like, just like with literally anything else, that there is this idea or illusion that kinks/sex in itself can be healing, or that what some of our kinks may be rooted in may not actually be harming us that badly or whatever because it's "just kink." when in reality i feel like it can lead to people normalizing, re-living, and reinforcing harmful things or experiences about themselves and others. you know

it's also not that different from romantic relationships and why people desire certain traits in a romantic partner or why they like certain things. it's no judgment but more so just the acknowledgment that like, it's oftentimes not as simple as just, "oh i just like what i like, teehee" and it could literally be reinforced coping mechanisms that is harmful. and then it also doesn't help when a lot of these things are normalized to the point where most people just accept it and view it as, "not that bad."

like, i used to have a type for people that were not super emotionally expressive whatsoever, until i realized that that preference was rooted in my family upbringing, traumas, low self-esteem, etc. i genuinely thought that it wouldn't be possible for someone to like me that's really sweet, kind, gentle, loving, and is not extremely distant or avoidant or has lack of consistent care and can try to be considerate or sensitive to my emotions.

not only did i not think it was possible, i didn't think i deserved it either. my body was (and sometimes still is) going after and attracted to the treatment it was used to—i didn't grow up experiencing a super kind, warm, loving, effective communication, gentle family. i grew up experiencing coldness, nonchalance, outbursts and lashing out, lack of empathy and consideration, push and pull, etc. so my body was simply seeking and looking after what it thought was normal. it wasn't genuinely what i really liked, just what it was used to

and not only that but even taking family upbringing out of the picture, when it comes to Romance culture in songs, movies, books. in our communities and seeing the way they play out, the advice people give or tips with how to date, how to have sex with others, etc. (and also, if you're a multi-marginalized identity where you are conditioned in more ways than one to accept crumbs and be okay with it.) there's a multitude of ways of how this conditioning leads to a lot of harm internally and externally, structurally and individually, regarding romance and sex

i understand that we all can often pick some of our poisons and i'm not saying the resolution is to be a pure saint. i get that sometimes it's inevitable that we may want to just scratch that itch or do something not great towards ourselves for the one time. i don't believe healing is about like becoming Perfect and never making any mistakes and shaming yourself when you want to dabble into things that may not be the best for you. we all do it. but that also doesn't mean i think we should all say fuck it and be destructive and careless and not consider the harms we do to ourselves and each other either. especially because it's rarely ever isolated. but also what do i know i was just born

[chainsawmascara]

Ama: 2, 9

HOW DID I KNOW SOMEONE WOULD ASK THESE

2. Preferred method of non-physical self destruction: Sleep Deprivation and Overworking Myself. Often with a heaping side order of taking care of everyone else while neglecting my own needs as I grind myself to the bone in the realm of career or peer advisory.

I just escaped the clutches of a two month fibro flare up where I couldn't lift my head and literally needed help crawling to the bathroom. Zero exaggeration. Complete Hell. Caused by lack of sleep/forgetting to eat in favor of working fifty 8-12 hour shifts at bizarre hours (sometimes getting home at 1:30am and having to wake up at 3am/4am to take the train back to work again), taking care of a toddler, cleaning the house, taking care of my friends and their crises, being On Call for everyone I know to catch an Uber at any second (when i had a babysitter on deck already/easily acquired) - often carrying a full oversized tote (thatidesigned) full of self care items for the spiritual body; physical body; and creative self.

I call it my Cleric Bag.

Technically this is supposed to be non-physical, however, the destructive behavior is the thought process preceding the action. It's adopting the responsibilities of others, pushing inhuman amounts of pressure on myself, and willfully ignoring my physical well-being/stress level so long as I can care for everyone else's.

I wouldn't say it's my favorite, necessarily. It's the one I default to by my very nature. I did a lot of self reflection and emotional healing to work through that during the two months I couldn't leave my damn bed.

9. Do you cry? Why or why not?: It takes a lot for me to cry. I'd say much of the reason stems from youth - needing to be the strong one for emotionally unstable parents, not showing weakness towards those who sought to harm me in one way or another, (modeling some coping mechanisms from early game squall leonheart at a very young age - we worked on it this past year or two), and living primarily in a situation of Crumble/Allow A Single Crack and It's Over in a number of ways most of my life.

I analyze things. Rationalize them. Extract emotion from the equation to view situations objectively more often than not. I also have anxiety, so I've run through whatever is happening in my head to play a mini mental film au where I do break down as if watching myself already. These mini films are entirely mental, I don't say it out loud or physically act it out. No literal crying about a hypothetical.

As for crying at media rather than personal life experiences - also extremely rare! It has to be something I connect with at my very core, which isn't easy to find! Final Fantasy VIII is the only thing off the top of my head. OH WAIT when I was pregnant, at 2am every night I'd start crying about that time in 2019 people were cyberbullying the official cinnamonroll Sanrio Twitter account. It was not during 2019. Maybe the ending of Yu Yu Hakusho from how formative it was?

Crying about media isn't a thing I do 98.4% of the time (to be generous in the other direction).

On average, I cry maybe five times a year. This year is an anomaly given the mental breakdowns I had due to the pain itself and falling apart at the bathroom sink crumpled on the floor trying to reach the water/soap while singing "I'm going to be okay" over and over to myself a few times a day. The addition of being in that pain, fearing it won't end, and fearing the effect it could have on my child inspired a number of breakdowns.

I haven't had a flare up like this in, goodness, 9 years or so? I forgot how bad it could get.

Tl;dr: I don't cry often primarily due to an analytical/rational approach to situations and childhood trauma (that has been worked through! But is also the reason for the first half! Whoopth).

I certainly can go on about myself, huh?