#like their life can suck but it's not inherently because of their mental illness that is not demonized

[alexjcrowley]

Are we really going to pretend Takin Over The Asylum doesn't have a pitch that smokes 80% of Netflix original series

[brainjuicey]

reading fight club psycho smut and this is killing me. he ruined me the same way we're ruining the world with pollution

[max1461]

You guys do not understand that for the average person "freak" is already an inherently terrible thing to be, and "weird" only recently became acceptable when its meaning was softened and palatable "weirdness" became marketable alongside "nerd culture". In everyday usage a "weird guy" is still someone you want to avoid, it's a common euphemism for "probable sex offender", and to call someone a freak is about equivalent to calling them a slur. Being visibly mentally ill or visibly homeless is enough for a good portion of the population to believe you don't deserve human rights (although they wouldn't phrase it that way), and having visibly autistic mannerism is enough for people to think you shouldn't be let around kids. LGBT acceptance was won by arguing that gay and trans people are "normal, just like you and me", that they aren't weird, that they aren't freaky sex perverts they just want to love and be who they are. There has never been any kind of broader acceptance towards weirdness qua weirdness or freaks qua freaks, even on the left. It doesn't exist. For the average person, to be weird and gross is to be inhuman, unworthy of life. There is no distinction made between the subjectively disgusting and the morally condemnable; if you are freaky you are bad and that's that.

People calling J. D. Vance a weirdo is not going to come back around to harm LGBT people in some sort of indirect way, because mainstream acceptance of LGBT people is already predicated on the assumption that they are not weird. That's what the last 15 years have been about, convincing mainstream society that LGBT people are "normal", because normalcy is a deeply ingrained prerequisite for acceptance. Obviously I think this is ridiculous and stupid, but I think it's pretty silly to look at Dems calling J. D. Vance "weird" and "freaky" and be like "that's what's doing it". No, it's like attacking a politician by insinuating that they're gay in the 70s or whatever. It sucks that that's something that can be used as an insult but it's the water we're fucking swimming in, it's gonna be years before anyone looks back on it with shame. And a lot of supposedly progressive people are gonna realize they were on the wrong side of history, but that's par for the course.

[creature-wizard]

Manifestation Without Woo: Changing Your Brain

So let's talk about your brain. Every life experience changes the way your brain works in some way.

If a beloved family member favors a certain kind of candy, your brain will likely wire itself to produce positive feelings when you see that candy. But if someone cruel to you favors a certain style of shirt, your brain will likely wire itself to produce negative feelings when you see that shirt.

If you grew up with caregivers who neglected you or broke their promises, your brain probably wired itself not to trust other people, and to only rely on yourself.

If you grew up in poverty, or if your parents always refused to get you nice things for any reason, your brain may have wired itself to see nice/expensive things as inherently unattainable.

If you were always comparing your looks against glossy airbrushed celebrities, your brain may have wired itself to perceive the way you look as inadequate, maybe even ugly.

If people were always telling you that you were stupid, ugly, lazy, worthless, or whatever, your brain may have wired these beliefs in.

Thus it's possible to accumulate many negative beliefs that get in the way of happiness and self-fulfillment. And it sucks. But there's good news - your brain structure is changeable. This is called neuroplasticity.

So how do you do it? Simple: You make your brain re-wire itself by telling and showing it a different narrative.

Techniques and practices such as affirmations, writing scripts, visualization boards are all excellent ways to do this. All of those techniques for changing your self-concept are really techniques for rewiring your brain!

Also, your brain will rewire itself better if you're less stressed out and getting proper nutrition and hydration. This is why stuff like meditation, "healing frequencies," moving around and getting exercise, adding more nutritious foods to your diet, and making sure you're getting enough water can be very helpful.

It's also important to be mindful of things that might reinforce the narrative you're tying to overwrite. For example, if you feel like you're worthless because you're ugly, hanging out with people who call others ugly as an insult probably won't be good for you. If you're insecure about your intelligence, you might want to hold off on watching movies that feature supergeniuses as main characters. If there's anything that might be feeding your negative beliefs, try and cut it out of your mental diet for awhile, and see if it makes a difference.

Affirmations, scripts, etc. that reinforce a narrative of needing to be better than others, or needing to meet some arbitrary level of success to have value can also reinforce negative narratives. Are you telling yourself that you're the most beautiful/handsome? Stop that. Tell yourself that you're attractive, period. Are you telling yourself that you're a "high-value person"? Again, stop that. Just tell yourself that you deserve love and respect.

Also, if you're dealing with mental illness, you shouldn't really expect this to be a full-on cure for it. You might be able to rewire your brain in a way that your mental illness is less impactful, but that doesn't mean you won't stop experiencing symptoms in some way. It's okay if you still need medication, professional therapy, etc.

Finally, remember: what you are doing is a natural, organic process - you're making your brain grow differently. This means it'll take time! You can't expect yourself to get overnight results any more than you can expect an acorn to turn into a whole oak tree overnight. Anyone out there telling you that you can just do this overnight without any effort has probably already rewired their brain a lot more than they realize, and underestimates how much work it took them to get where they are.

[rhyaxxyn]

writeblr resurrection (mind the gap, i'm still filling the grave back in)

about rhyaxxyn…

❂ my name is rhyannyn (ree--uh--nihn), but i go by rhys or rhyn

❂ she/her

❂ 21. last time i was here, i was totally 19 (maybe?)--and now I can do adult things??

❂ infp/infj - t  |   leo sun... i don't know what that means anymore, but i am ambitious to an awful extent, and creative to the point i feel like i'm dragging ideas around by their throats 24/7

❂ of native american and polish ethnicity. unfortunately i didn't grow up very connected to my native american culture so i don't claim it in my books though i do include aspects here and there (just little things i remember my dad telling me as a kid), but a lot of my polish heritage shines through in my writing.

❂ i work customer service and it drains me--but i love all my coworkers and would do anything for them

❂ i'm pretty sure when i wrote my last writeblr intro i said i love mac and cheese. things have changed for the worse and now i'm very allergic to dairy. tragic, i know.

❂ per usual, my little mentally ill bones give my writing inherent spice

❂ i have a partner (everyone clap), and he has thankfully made me realize how toxic some of the relationships i used to write are :D so many of the couples you may have seen if you've been following me for a while are OUT. but you know what's in? my sweet meow-meow boys. just you wait.

what do i write?

❂ many of my works are religiously inspired or have religious themes. yes i used to be catholic. yes it sucked. now i tear down those systems which took advantage of me in my works.

❂ i still don't write yucky relationship dynamics, especially now that i realized that I DID. but, i do write women who stand up for themselves, i write girls who discover that they deserve kind lovers, and i write men who aren't incompetent when it comes to the women they love. and being queer and dating a queer person, i write healthy wlw, mlm, and nonbinary inclusive relationships.

❂ i love complex characters. i love main characters who do awful, terrible things that are justified by the outcome. I love antagonists who fight against the protagonist because they've only seen the terrible means. and i love haunted characters who are stuck in cycles of evil which they see no way out of.

❂ in the regards of genre, i still only write fantasy. in variations, of course, but i'm a beast of habit

here's what you came for; the WORKS IN PROGRESS >:)

In the wake of a god being mysteriously killed, the Nameless War has waged between the gods and humanity for fifty-eight years, killing that which is mortal and immortal, and creating constant battles for territory between the divine Creator military and the human Revolutionists. As hope for future peace between the species wanes, the fate of the war lands in unlikely hands.

Pandora, a goddess, the lost creator, nameless and chained to the Earth because of duty, yet still running from her true power.

Quinn, a god, the skijic and Creator High General, desperate for the memories of a life lost and the familiarity of a purple-eyed goddess.

Natia, a girl, heiress to one of the Republic of Valentulus’s most powerful cities, and slave to the Revolutionist Snake General.

Loyalties whither, fear awakens, and stories collide as the Nameless War reaches its tipping point. It is up to Pandora, Quinn, and Natia, each of them sworn against one another, to challenge the boundaries of their duties—and their pasts. The only thing that might change their opposing fates is the truth, letting the past fly free could very well set the darkness loose.

Infinite Tangents rewrites the definition of divinity, the gods of legends remembered and lost no more than a species without a home. The fight between deities and humanity is made equal, and the fate of the universe unsure.

Billions of years prior to the events of Infinite Tangents, the planet of Kaleis, and the Kaleidoscope Suns' kingdom is in the peak of its power, guarded by her Divine Majesty Heather and her Phantom Suns. However, in the wake of an attack on the Light God's holy temple, they come face to face with the dark, and the reality that the universe will always call for balance.

Now Heather must navigate the dark, the light, and the truth that good, evil, demonic, and divine may not be so easy to define as she led herself to believe.

All empires must fall, but how much of herself must Heather lose in the process?

Aita Hunt is a ruinsome, good for nothing orphan. With no one to rely on in Requiem, one of twelve glass Orbises launched into Earth's orbit in the wake of its enigmatic destruction, Aita suddenly finds herself fallen into a world of politics, deception, and magic which has little to no patience for a girl who is changing the world by mistake. Bound to love the man who abandoned her; bound to kill the woman with enough money to buy Aita's assassination--she must be scrappy, and quick-witted, and foolish enough to take any handouts offered to her.

Even those given by her makeshift god and Teller of the Requiem.

Aita has never known her odds to be fair, never known a kind touch since her mother drifted into her eternal sleep, but even if it is a dangerous, powerful man granting her a chance to survive, she'll take it.

And if she must be more ruinsome than her divine masters can take, Aita will learn to pray for forgiveness.

(applause here)

if you've made it this far and would like to watch me struggle and scream into the void and hopefully finish these projects, i'd really love a reblog/comment/follow so i can reach out and follow back. seeing others write and pursue their passions pushes me to pursue my own. plus, i love having new writer friends who enjoy void-screaming too.

well then friends, that's it... sort of. i have plenty more ideas to spout at you all but these works will be my main focus. unfortunately for those of you who followed me in the ancient days and are now watching me claw out of a grave like a disgruntled corpse, i will have to pull a bit of content for Infinite Tangents and the world of The Natural Orders in general. for good reason though, as i've started researching literary agents in the hopes of publishing the first book! yayyyy :')

all of this is very daunting, and horrifying, and so much as looking at my list of agents makes me feel like i wanna throw up--but i do remember and am so thankful for the support of everyone who i so much as came across on the writeblr community. without y'all i wouldn't even be trying, so thank you.

to anyone who does remember me, welcome back to my page and sorry for the metaphorical dust. things will get clean i promise. and to anyone new, intrigued, or even skeptical about the crazy things i come up with, please feel free to follow or question me. though, i don't promise the answers will make much sense either.

[dykeulous]

individualism teaches us that we all have the same opportunities. due to this idea, a lot of people who come from marginalized groups end up blaming themselves for not succeeding in life. they believe; if only they had studied more, worked harder, or sucked it all up– they would have been someone, something. but this is the harsh truth of capitalism: it truly has nothing to do with what kind of student you were, or how hard you worked. it has everything to do with your positionality. your position in society & your “privilege rank” decides your opportunities in life & how far you are going to get ahead. this isn’t to say that we must all collectively give up because we belong to an oppressed group & because “it’s just like that”. pessimism & doomerism is dangerous; like a cult. i am simply saying that positionality, under our current system, decides one’s success in life: and that we must fight against that.

individualism yells at us to divide ourselves, to fight against each other instead of fighting together against the shared enemy, to blame ourselves for the things in life that we truly have no real control over. instead of recognizing that the sexist, racist, ableist & classist systems are the reason why a lot of marginalized people don’t make it far in life– individualism, backed by capitalism, tells us that the reason we don’t make it far in life is because we are fat, lazy, ungrateful commies. individualism delays the efficiency of collectivism. collectivism rightly teaches us that humans cannot function alone. we weren’t made to be alone without one another. this is greatly the reason capitalism goes against human nature. individualism & capitalism go hand in hand. humans arem’t inherently selfish, like individualism propagates. we are taught to be selfish through capitalism. we have to yearn for better lives & that makes us want to strive in wealth. if we are deprived of food & shelter, whilst being mistreated at our workplaces– of course we will stray from our mammal-primate ways & become rotten and selfish.

individualism puts women to a risk. in religious terms, women who are suffering domestic violence are being pushed to the church– a misogynistic institution that sends the abuse victims back home to pray & get pregnant. in non-religious terms, women who are domestic violence victims cannot seek help because of fear, and if they do, they get sent off to their nuclear family members. there they are not believed. the nuclear family is also the reason why there’s no community. it is why people are so callous & cold towards others. the nuclear family tries to attach you to the wrong people, it tries to make you suffer various types of abuse & you will not reach out for help because you have been conditioned that community can only be achieved through your household. you have been conditioned to believe that heteronormative bonds are community. the nuclear family is lonely. you cannot get help or any sort of resources outside your household; it prevents you from reaching a strong support network & you delve into the dark pit of loneliness & depression. the nuclear family makes you believe that support outside of it is heresy. you find yourself overly attached to your family, while you cut off and find other people useless & unlikeable. this is why so many adults with loads of unresolved trauma & untreated mental illness will say the well-known, “well, i was treated this way and i turned out just fine!”. they clearly did not if they believe the way to success is fear, punishment & exploitation. the nuclear family unit is a patriarchal one; it implements capitalism, and capitalism aids heterosexuality & the heteropatriarchy. it consists of unpaid work for women, and the heterosexual and parent-child bonds symbolize a capitalist unit that is made of oppressive relations of work.

individualism is venomous. every thing is being privatized, every single day. they teach our children that capitalism breeds innovation, but is it really innovative if it was privatized & used for the profit of the capital’s economy? capitalism was innovative when it first developed, but it was created to be crushed down, as better exists; and we must reach for that better. schools, media, and our workplaces are all sources of capitalist propaganda, and we must realize that.

[feeshybeach]

trannytek -> feeshybeach

collective names : Tango, Jimmy, Scott

collective pronouns : he/sea/ice/cold/snow/fire/flames

other info ? : 21 years old. polyfrag DID sys w/ OCD, BPD, AUDHD, and other disabilities. certified tranny fag. gay lover. a bear in both the gay term and because I will eat so many blueberries and then sleep for days on end... we're actively delusional at times and can truly believe we are c!tango, c!jimmy, and c!scott. do not reality check us. Doing so will result in an instant block <3

tldr : collectively disabled and mentally ill bitch whos insane about flower ranchers o7

https://rentry.co/coralcoveco

* not completely finished but good enough!!

I love writing gay shit between minecraft characters. You should give me prompts and ideas for general mcyt fanfic ideas. Blinks at you. My art and writing blog is @transmodifiedtek. I don't often use it and may phase it out. who knows? I sure as heck don't! :3

I will likely be phasing out the art blog and just post here, I am unsure!!

We are fluid with the language we use on ourselves, including but not limited to; parts, alters, headmates, and sometimes, the bitches who eats my cheese at 3 am!!

we don't expect much from our followers but to simply be kind. That's literally it. dms, asks, etc, are always open! interact with us!! we don't bite unless you ask!!

main fandoms;

Hermitcraft, empires s2, life series, dsmp, team crafted / old mcyt, yogscast, my little pony, HOMESTUCK, TOME (terrain of magical expertise), BBC Sherlock, BBC Merlin, Harry Potter¹, lord of the rings/the hobbit, welcome to night vale

¹ we have a long-term special interest in HP fanfic, and we do not support jkr. terfs suck.

the only "dni" i really have is: Endogenic community + supporters are not welcome on my blog(s). This is due to trauma reasons. i do not give a shit. Leave me alone. I won't start shit I will simply block - just. Know you aren't welcome here, ykno? :/

general like. before you follow below?? I don't think dnis or byf/byis really. Do anything. this is just for Those Who Care. <3

i do not give a shit about cc!wilbur & cc!dream - support victims. thank u

this blog LOVEESS kinky sex and the right for two (or more) consenting adults to do whatever they want.

no fiction is immoral or inherently evil - kill the puritan in your head. write that fuck nasty toxic yaoi & yuri

mspec identities have a long historical part of the queer community

[aprofessionalwithoutstandards]

Tbh like. If you wanna write a fic or hc that demoman is recovering or trying to recover from alcoholism thats one thing but like. Pretending it never existed or is fixed in canon is weird. I have a lot of complicated feelings about the portrayal of alcoholism in general in tf2 and the character they chose to have that trait but. Ignoring it helps no one.

No exactly like. ur allowed to Make Critiques, you're allowed to choose to make him recovered/recovering in your own fic, but to just pretend like it wasn't ever in the source or to act like it was some kind of "mistake" that Valve made that needs to be "fixed" in "fanon" is weird and it sucks I'm sorry. Addicts are human beings lol and to so consistently treat it like a character flaw that NEEDS to be "fixed" is to further dehumanize a group of people who are already dehumanized like yknow. in real life. Like I cannot emphasize enough the Actual real-life implications there are to people so openly treating characters who are addicts the way they treat Demo (either by giving him out-of-character traits that they associate with alcoholism or by pretending he Actually Never Drinks At All! because he doesn't have the traits they associate with alcoholism). I've also talked about this before but I think there's a tendency among white fans especially to decide that Demo tf2 is "bad representation" that it's up to them to "fix", basically by making him less drunk and less horny (multiple hip-thrusting, ass-shaking taunts, canon), as if those are inherently bad traits for a person to have LMAO. Basically I, as a person with alcoholic family members, as a person predisposed to alcoholism because of this, and as a person who has seen that addiction can tie in much more with existing depression, anxiety, and other mental and physical illnesses than it does with idk. "being violent" or "being lazy" or "being stupid", am always going to be extremely sympathetic towards Demo tf2 and characters like Demo tf2 and I will defend his right to be a character who has an addiction until the day I die. It's not a "flaw" and you can actually characterize this guy as good and likable and fun and worth being around without needing to pretend like "he actually almost never drinks!" to do it

[bumblebeerror]

jesse what the fuck are you talking about...

i know you said you won't respond, but i don't care. you don't have to. i'm replying because i feel the need to reply. i'm not looking for a response anymore.

"i'm aggressively kind, and not nice" what. i want to study your brain under a microscope. the entire paragraph about what you do with your friends is alien to me. it just does not compute. i don't understand. what the fuck even was that? i've never done that or seen anyone do any of that. what the fuck?

kidness isn't a human right.

education, food, water, shelter, family, medicine... those are human rights. you are not entitled to kindness simply because you were born into this world. you have to earn it.

the fact that you believe bad people like the ones i mentioned deserve kindness tells me you have clearly had a very good, safe life and have never been truly hurt or come face-to-face with evil. if you did, you'd quickly change your philosophy. let me guess, you also oppose the death penalty? figures.

i am not about to fotce myself to disobey my instinct/intuition. when my gut tells me something, it's for a reason. when i get the creeps around a registered sex offender, i can't just ignore that. not just for moral reasons, but because it's a self-preservation instinct too.

"kindness isn't empathy, kindness is compassion" EMPATHY AND COMPASSION ARE SYNONYMS?????????????????????? they mean the same thing. literally what's the difference???????? what.

i've been bullied extensively, please don't fucking lecture me on what bullying does. i can honestly say bullying had a positive effect on me. it helped me build thicker skin and now i'm no longer so hypersensitive. it builds character for many people.

"there's a reason you have trouble making friends" it's not my fault i was born this way. i've tried making and maintaining friends since i was a little child. but fuck it is impossible. making and maintaining enemies is very easy for me, however.

i'm sorry, but i don't think i can remember 20 people, let alone make 20 friends??? that sounds exhausting. i don't even truly know 20 people. i only truly know my mom, dad, sister, grandfather and (dead) grandmother. i think of the people i used to go to school with a lot, but i only knew them superficially. we never truly knew each other.

there are many reasons i have no friends. i think i know myself a little better than you know me. my problems are much deeper than just "not willing to be kind". i've always been distant and uncomfortable with intimacy. and i have a disneyland of problems and difficulties, so even if i did learn to be "kind", i would still have no friends.

it's better to be friendless and tough, than friendless and a pushover.

Yeah, alright. Since we’re off the idea that bullying teens as adults is remotely acceptable, I’ll play ball. You can take this answer or leave it - I don’t care.

1) I explained the difference between kindness and niceness already.

2) kindness is realizing the inherent value of another human and taking actions to that end, whether directly or in politics/raising awareness.

3) I am fat, disabled, poor, mentally ill, have lost several very close family members including my father, and I’m queer; if you think my life has been easy, I want whatever you’re smoking.

It is because my life has not been easy that I know that people deserve to be treated as people, even if they suck.

I don’t put myself in danger either. But it’s not hard to realize that prisons are new slavery or that sexual assault and torture via other inmates and guards isn’t a morally correct way to deal with anyone who breaks a law. I’d hope you’d also realize that being a bigot doesn’t exactly warrant the death penalty.

4) Empathy is the ability to put yourself in one’s shoes and understand where they’re coming from.

Compassion is actually helping someone in need.

Which is why autistic folks have been trying to make it clear for years that being low empathy doesn’t make you evil.

5) I’m sorry you’ve been bullied. Personally, the only thing bullying taught me was to hate who I was and mask extensively.

Have you considered that you struggle to make friends because you don’t reach out to people for fear of them bullying you? Have you thought of the possibility that being bullied in fact changed you for the worse and made you less able to be yourself and be open with friends?

There are loads of studies on what bullying does to developing minds. I’m sure you do feel as if it’s helped you. Check back in on that in 2 years eh?

6) You were not “born this way”. Humans are, whether you like it or not, social creatures. You have unfortunately been taught by your bullies that people are unpleasant and out to get you. This isn’t true, and it’s fairly easy to root out those who are when you’re an adult in control of who you talk to or see.

Because imma be straight up with you king. I’ve got ADHD and autism, and even with those difficulties making friends those disorders represent, I still make friends exclusively because I treat others how I want to be treated and try to be the friend I’d want to have. I have such a wide circle of friends because I treat them well without the expectation that they’ll always be able to match that. I’ve not had a problem since I started doing so.

You have trouble making friends because you are an unpleasant person who does not think of others, and because you have convinced yourself that you were not made to have friends. Have you ever planned an event for your friends? Do you ever reach out to talk to them? Have you ever tried being the friend you want to have?

Because until *I* started doing that, I was a lot like you. I even believed it was other people’s fault nobody wanted to be friends with me. And if that wasn’t the case, I just wasn’t suited to having friends. Sound familiar?

I am also viscerally uncomfortable with intimacy. I also have trouble expressing emotions. I have a flat affect. I have multiple health issues and neurological issues related to them. I do not understand how to comfort others. I still have friends and I still get on well. Don’t put up your own barriers, mate. There are plenty of folks who have similar issues. Unfortunately this is a case where you aren’t special, and that’s a good thing.

7) I’m sure being tough will get you far when you have nobody to rely on for help.

I’m not a pushover for recognizing that other people have needs and inherent value.

[megabuild]

i've had a lot of time to think in the last few days about a lot of things, but for whatever reason what i keep coming back to right now is that same topic of the special place mcrp occupies somewhere simultaneously in and out of fiction and the inherent nebulous nature of a series like that, where some interactions are labelled as explicit out of character and some explicit in character and some are written roleplay and some are improv and already i'm starting to lose my train of thought just figuring out where to start explaining this but like, stay with me for a minute.

humans by default will seek pattern and sort things into little boxes because it feels good to organise, it's nice to label and set things aside in the "right" order, and that's everywhere, so naturally it's in mcyt too. we have c! and cc! and we have "lore" and theories and if a cc takes notice and "canonises" that then it's cause for celebration. everything is a callback to something. everything is a parallel to something. and there is fun in all of this! i'm not for one second suggesting there is not merit in this behaviour because i enjoy it myself and there is always merit in art and what humans create and enjoy because if there wasn't then what would life be worth living for yknow? but mcyt like i said before is a special case because the way it's designed is inherently muddied and so fans have a habit of cutting bits up and saying well this was canon and this wasn't, this is just friends having fun and this is the story, and everyone has different views on where that boundary lies. and- this is the important part, everyone has different views on what that all means, and that comes in a lot of different ways. so obviously you have people who are casual fans or younger viewers or just not interested in wider potential storylines who might watch an episode of grian's limited life smp and go "hey, this is a group of youtubers having fun" and then you also have people on the other end who view every interaction as canonical and rigid and character based, and then you have all sorts of people in between because i don't think any one mcyt fan will have the exact same opinions on anything and they fucking shouldn't is the point i'm trying to get to here. and this isn't just that but also not caring if someone interprets a dynamic differently or has a different headcanon or, like, maybe they disagree with what the ccs have said is "canon" and maybe they thought the ending to one series sucked and maybe they really like a decision you didn't, and the objective level on whether or not those decisions and series were actually good writing doesnt matter, yknow? i'm not going to sit and shoot down the narrative choices some ccs have made with their "canon lore" or when they "confirm" popular fan theories because at the end of the day it's also human creation but it's also like, i have the space to criticise that and interpret it however i want.

a long time ago i got complaints because i interpreted pixlriffs' empires series as a metaphor for very serious mental illness and it turned me away from creating content for a while despite it being something i loved, but now it's like, well, what the fuck? how can you be a mcyt fan and not look at what other people are making, given that it's not harmful or disrespectful, and think to tear it down when at the end of the day we're all just looking for different meaning in videos of a video game? i don't hate "canon lore" or "popular fanon" but i hate this constant push that it's the one true meaning. there is something special in it all as it being something created by people as a group like a patchwork of a little bit of all our brains but also the search for a definitive meaning and story in any of this will exhaust you, because you will never get something rigid from a media form that is anything but.

so just do whatever the fuck you're doing and what your friends and the artist you look up to and the blogger you follow are doing and stop trying to tuck it into little neat folders in the hopes that the cc will like it because while ccs can make good content and have as much a right to their own character and content as any of us it's also like, the exact opposite of what mcyt has always been to me to try and apply that meaning to a meaningful canon. i had more fun retroactively interpreting things from hermitcraft season 5 and 7 then i ever have with 8 and onwards. and then ccs turn around and play the same lore they were just trying to appeal to and profit from as a joke and it's like fuck man, i'll just kill myself, but anyway- all this to say that you're all wonderful people, mostly, and perhaps i'm just overly emotional and trying to get something out of my head and failing but please don't fall into the trap of thinking you have to comply to canon or seek out the exact meaning or only care about what other people want to care about because that's not the point, that's not the fucking point. and i fucking hate lore.

[livingzomboy]

neurotypicality is the real mental illness yall suck ass you cruel worthless disgusting excuses for humans. Youre all evil because your ways of thinking cause harm to COUNTLESS people and have fof CENTURIES. Just a few decades ago i would already have been lobotomized. Put in an asylum. Experienced unethical electroshock therapy. And just in my modern life i have been thrown to the floor and sedated violently for experiencing a panic attack in s hospital. I have had the police treat me like a CRIMINAL for wanting to die. Neurotypicality is what fuels so much hatred and bigotry in the world.

What do you mean i cant use the actions of a government to justify my hatred? What do you mean that the neurodeveloment a person cant control is no reason to hate them? What do you mean neurotypicals are also victims of trauma? What do you mean you cant be inherently evil? Replace neurotypicals with narcissists, pwBPD, ASPD, HPD. See how stupid it is to assume that one group is responsible for all the violence ive faced in the world?

But on top of that, ive befriended many a neurodivergent, and have we had our ups and downs OF COURSE! But everyone who has bullied me has at worst depression or anxiety. The boys who conered me in a bathroom and attempted to force me to expose my genitals were neurotypicals. It is neurotypicals who are rigid. It is neurotypicals who force their lives and rules onto others, and it is a neurotypical society that makes the symptoms of most neurodivergence demonized and aggravated. Neurotypicals are just as much the problem as the neurodivergents who are abusive or violent. And it is often neurotypicals that drive us to those places.

It starts small with trying to force rules on us to behave "right" without telling us the rules, then its calling us cringe, bullying and isolating us, then it is violence towards us (Speaking as a schizospec we are more likely to be victims of abuse, and all neurodivergent people are more likely to be victims.) that is then justified because we are "crazy" or because our reactions are funny to them. It is them targeting visibly autistic people and giving them meltdowns in public that they record and use to demonizd us snd call us names. It then escalates to us neurodivergent folks feeling like the only way out is to die, like the only way to be heard is to scream. We are taught that violence against us can be justified, but our reactions cannot. And all because its no big deal to a neurotypical. I had people who would grab onto my arms, my scars, my hands. And it feels like searing pain. But they don't understand that feeling so me crying is funny to them. And when a neurodivergent or mentally ill person is violent, nobody talks about how people hurt us first. How they shut us out and refused to help.

Neurotypicals are the problem. Because your society hates us, hurts us, and calls us monsters.

[genderqueerdykes]

I'm neurodivergent (ADHD & Autism), and I have mental health issues that can make me a very sensitive person who has a hard time doing things; I've tried explaining this to people but they often still tell me I need to "contribute" by finding a job/going to school to "prove im doing something". It hurts whenever I get told this stuff cause its supposed to be for my benefit but often it makes me feel like I'm not worth anything if im not a "proper adult"? I've gotten this numerous times from family, but I just got a similar talking to from my partner and it fucking sucks not only cause now I feel like I'm on a deadline to fix my relationship but also I don't know if im allowed to feel upset at anyone? Idk many disabled people who are high needs/can't work so I don't know if im being dramatic about my ability or making excuses

hello there, apologies for the delayed reply to this

i just wanted to say from the bottom of my heart i'm very sorry people are telling you these things, especially that you need to "contribute" by getting a job or going to school- that's very shitty thinking and it's not fair to the person it's pushed on. getting a job and going to school don't inherently "contribute" to your local community, your family, and especially YOURSELF. you don't have to "Contribute" to anything but yourself, your needs, and your own life

being a "proper adult" is a social construct that people push that literally doesn't mean anything. i am 30 years old and i have never held down a job for longer than a year, nor have i paid off student debt loans. i have been homeless numerous times because of my illnesses. i have chronic fatigue, hypermobile EDS, arthritis, degenerated discs in my back, schizophrenia, autism, adhd and more and even if people have fewer conditions going on than that, i understand how disabling even 1 neurotype of health problem can be

i have days on end where i don't recover from symptoms, massive flare ups, days where i dislocate limbs, can't sleep, am in so much pain i can't lay down, can't walk, bad sensory overstims, focus issues, migraines, and a lot of other issues. being high needs isn't a "problem", it just means you need help, and every person needs help. abled people fail to understand that every person requires accommodation in one fashion or another.

needing reminder texts is an accommodation. needing bigger font is an accommodation. glasses are an accommodation. needing to be informed of something in advance is an accommodation. only drinking out of certain cups is an accommodation. everyone needs help with something.

if the people in your life are refusing you help, i'm sorry they're failing you. you don't deserve an ultimatum to fix your relationship by a certain date, that is so unfair to you, and that is conditional love- conditional love is not fair and often leaves people feeling very messed up. love should not be held behind barriers, you should not have to perform for love

i hope you're able to get into a better situation soon. people don't understand that disabled people are Disabled and no amount of "contribution to society" will make our disabilities go away. no amount of jobs will make you feel healthier, going to school will not reduce your symptoms. stress only adds to poor health, and you don't deserve to have to go through something just because other people feel you should.

i hope this helps, take care, if you have any more questions feel free to ask, stay safe out there, good luck in your situation.

[majorbaby]

What is it like writing a story that nobody asked for?

humbling: being unpopular is a kind of an enforced boundary. you want so badly to be liked or appreciated or ‘make something good’ but there’s a distance you can’t overcome because of something you can’t control, which is other people's reactions to you… tbh I’m not great at setting boundaries so having one put in place for me is better than nothing. it’s healthy for me to assume that I’m making something that cannot be good or that people will either not like or be neutral towards. there’s nobody left to write it for except myself. 

therapeutic: in the past, making something that is doomed to be bad because it's a flawed concept, or I’m working with subpar tools, wouldn’t just be something I would run away from, it’d be something I’d openly scorn. I hate the ‘low art/high art’ binary for how oppressive it is, but I’ve found that a lot of quiet despair can be soothed by committing 10000000% to leaning into the thing that oppresses you - if you have the safety to do so. I find so much relief and joy from leaning into the degeneracy/ugliness/undesirability/otherness thrust upon me, i think that is the point of 'reclamation'. I’m making art so low it is basically in hell and i’ve accepted it’s going to be cracky and unrealistic and if i try hard enough, perhaps even objectively bad

i am also a recovering workaholic, and the slightest hint that I might be ‘adding value’ by doing something makes my brain vibrate happily, distracting me from my wellbeing so that i am free to work myself to the bone to produce the value-adding product - i am used to being rewarded for this behaviour (which only makes my brain vibrate harder the next time) so much so that it became the way i approached any kind of labour. So this is part of the treatment plan, to try to unlearn something that was causing me harm. though I’m normally one of those everything-has-inherent-value types, it's easy enough to forget about that when it comes to oneself - that actually benefits me here. again, it is healthy for me to work from a place of ‘absolutely nothing is riding on this, there are 0 stakes’ sometimes and i would recommend that experience to everyone. 

fun: I’ve made lots of stuff that people in my surroundings have raved about and it has often sucked ass the entire time/gave me actual mental illness/actively ruined my life. this write-up makes me sound like a tortured artist but truthfully, i’m a lot happier than i’ve been in my whole life in no small part thanks to how much stuff i’ve been able to make this year and how much i’ve enjoyed doing it. If this were to stop being fun consistently, i wouldn't do it anymore. 

lonely: yeah, it can be. but there’s my friends who always support whatever weird thing i’m up to so long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. and there’s you, who cared enough to send me this ask.

[creepycrawliesinyourwalls]

rambling; online diary

i truely believe i can do heroin and not be addicted. i've been on dilaudid before, ive gotten high off my ass on weed, i took some vyvanse to see how itd go, and ultimately it was boring. being high is kinda boring. i complain about not having my cart, sure. but being so fr rn i do it for show. no one would ever believe me in a million years, but it is genuinely for show.

i have a hard time defining myself as a person, given the disorders i have. anything and everything that i could add to myself to humanize myself is a positive, never a negative. humanity is by definition flawed and faulty, if i have a flaw im more easily humanized.

im also incapable of being perfect, though if i wasn't abused to the point of my brain never fully forming a cohesive personality, i'm sure id be a prodigy. if my brain genetically disabled, i'd be top of my class, 4.0 gpa with honors.

with dissociative identity disorder, autism, adhd, bipolar 1, ptsd, clinical depression, arfid, and probably some sort of personality disorder, its hard to care about anything at all. these are only the mental and neurological disorders and defects, too.

inherently i was given the worst hand i could have gotten in birth. my potential is wasted, trapped inside this failure of a body. i could have been so much more. my face is somewhat conventionally attractive, so theres a win.

im confident that without my memory issues, joint pain, and depression i could be a full blown doctor. i have to settle for marketing, because my gpa currently is too low to get into engineering. i wanted to do mathematics for awhile to get into finance or something. i wanted to do geology bc my special interest is rocks, but i don't want to work for an oil company.

if i am not constantly improving with my life in any aspects, if i am stagnant for a stretch of time, i consider it a failure.

i do not have a personality, at least nothing coherent and consistent. some people say im loud, some say im shy. sweet, mean, smart, dumb, its all contradictory traits.

i consider myself better then most of the people i choose to be friends with. a good lot of them (danny, chloe, viktor) will probably never go to college. kaden might go, but im sure she'd just party the whole time. alix is maybe the only one who i'd even consider on my level, since he's aiming for law and finds debates enjoyable. he has the drive and determination to do well in life, and is at the very least takes steps to get where he wanted to get.

chloe wanted to get into medicine and be a doctor. she is chronically disabled and was failing half of he classes. from disabled to disabled person, there is no way in hell you are making it that far. id be surprised if she made it past 25, honestly. she viewed mental hospitals as a vacation, even excluding the morals on that view, its incorrect. she believed she wasn't addicted to her medication, and that it actually helped her. she never even tried.

i am beginning to become fond of alix, though. i hope my headmates realize how much better his is compared to others. taylor and vee are already fond of him, which is a good sign.

we seem to be improving our depression symptoms and dissociative amnesia, and we joined a cbt program to further along process after being voluntarily admitted to a psychiatric facility. (yes, we did ask to go. we were going to kill ourselves as soon as we were alone, we needed immediate help.) i want to work on breaking down our gatekeepers resolve, and get us to a place where we can work on final fusion. i would also like to address our npd traits, but our therapist wouldnt believe us, so ill have to work on that myself.

we haven't been practicing our religion as much as we used too, its kind of sad. we send a prayer up to apollo occasionally, and he usually answers. but otherwise we havent done any spell work. its sucks to admit it, and god to i want to delete this paragraph but i need to work on vulnerability to create and foster friendships that are mutually beneficial.

ive never seen the point of online friends, i think the concept is pointless. i've tried doing it, and everytime we ended up ghosting them. the effort did not match the spoils. if im going to have friends, i need them to invest in me before i invest in them. it can be materially, emotionally, or physically. as long as i gain benefits, you will too.

[thissacrificeisnecxesary]

The question asked of me; should we eat day old microwaved fish

Me a diplomat: Pavement, evil horrible girly girl pop girly 8th grade kendall Roy teenage girl placebo drunk drunk girl who is loud and loud and loud and loud and you shouldn’t love her but you do and it’s not because overall she’s actually a really good person or really even that pretty (pretty enough to be. I’m a movie) (not really) but you love her anyway cause she’s the main character like plot armor from the audience, you are good and you are me so I am good. Even if I’m not very good it’s like I’m still good cause ultimately, she’s leaning is she not? So maybe that’s what it is. Eccentricities. Lux Lisbon if she didn’t wanna kill herself or, Melinda sturniolo if she didn’t wanna kil herself or possibly Katina’s everdeen if she didn’t wanna kill herself Sierra Sierra something something mascara, clean girl but not really, smart girl but not really, cool girl but not really, popular girl but not really, if you’re anything are you still a woman? Or is girlhood just to hard. You’re shivering and it’s kinda-of funny looking. I don’t need no timekeeper I don’t need noninterlocuter and baby you would look. A little cuter day by day. Pavement is how we started this business. Which is more accurately to say we built this city on math rock and virginity. That was mean. I really like pavement. I bet you do FUCKIGN faggot. Holy shirt what the the hey man you can’t say that- and you definitely can’t call me that cause I’m not gay my girlfriend is right here. She shcks tho yeah? What are you talking about? You just sorta grabbed onto the closest piece of heterosexuality, that couldn’t see your disturbing aversion (complimentary) and you held on tight. But she sucks man. Not a good girlfriend. We’re actually very happy. Oh I’m sure you are classic fag on vampire cunt action. You’re jellous. Jesus Christ man. What not like in a hornet way. Okay. Whag? What what what what- why do you let girls in who have crushes. What is the problem with a girl who has a teeny little crush, that’s a little tiny psychotic obsession but that’s just whag it means to be a live. Love is a wound and it should make you want to die and throw up. I guess I don’t totally disagree with all of that. Bug fuck my clown alter ego tells you that to live is to

Wash your hands

Pick sleep over the moon girl girl girl girl girl girl girl girl is there an inherent disconnection between my lover because of

- autism

- Growing up poor

- Growing up white

- Developmental disability

- Incest

- Furry porn

- The thing

- Undefined man mental illness #1

- Too many drugs

- Slender man

- The nightmares

- The neglect

- The great molasses flood

Clss rae se amles semaj

The story he told him was of the camel and the other one something religious maybe? Or another animal like a fable, Socrates; but the guy who made fables. Jesse james but it’s Christian bald, Christian bale on the other hand, he did Drew’s American psyop corner. Do you guys forgive enya for say ing the n word?

Irreverent is a word I don’t know the meaning of. Stalinism is a word you can’t seem to get right, it’s okay though, it’s not a big deal, ur intrinsic behindednsss this aversion this left handedness, what do we say? It’s hard to be your own person ; in highschool, Diane Nguyen would get it.

Be blunt- that’s good way to get through life, it is very odd and it leaves people questioning- which is quite the opposite of what blunt is supposed to mean. I guess what I mean is be vague more accurately, but insist on that vagueness with the confidence of someone who’s actually saying something. This is what it means to be an artist. You abstract don’t you not? Yoh can take all of the things and grate them up, this is the baby eater scene from haunting of hill house (watch it) yoh kkw what I’m talking about it’s very good. See? That’s vague, that’s impressive, if they even remember, then they’ll get a neat little postcard into how your brain works, a suitable amount that is manageable for a human being. There’s simply to much to much to get to them in an efficient manner so you must abandon this pathology, that, intellectualizing your existence. Make it’s it makes it much harder to live. But that’s what we’re doing right now. That’s the sacrifice THAG writers and poets and artists talk about- taking tiny tiny insignificant pieces of your brain and handing them off slowly, if it all comes out at once it’s not. They can’t do it they can’t deal with it. But in small manageable sizable pieces you can give them the message, letter by kwetter dot mmy dot. Morse code out your messages, so under offer they can’t be read. You write like a broken disc you write like you’re not human

You write like you’re not human

Like write like human human

I feel Hands in the end. I’ll feel them in the end, born to callously walk through the halls. Born to leave men. I don’t respect it. I don’t let them in my home, like a rabid dog I can’t be near them. I’m scared of them. I there’s a man’s voice in the house,

Learn to stim or you’re gonna be stuck here a while.

[deepdarkbrain]

I've said just about everything to my therapist.

TW: all of them

Hi, my name is Ryn (they/them) and I've said just about everything to my therapist. Before I get into too much here, be forewarned, I don't want to pull any punches on this blog. I want to be able to share (just about) everything that I would share with my therapist. This blog is going to include posts about dark and difficult subjects ranging from basic mental health to suicide, self harm, substance abuse, etc. I'm 100% going to swear and say what could be considered terrible things. What I will promise though, is that I will always include trigger warnings at the beginnings of my posts and there is a permanent content warning at the top of my blog.

I want to be open and honest about these kinds of dark, intimate subjects not to romanticize them or to encourage others to follow me down what will sometimes be the wrong path. But to share my experiences in the hopes that it'll help someone else feel like, "Oh yeah, I'm not alone on this dumb planet." Having grown through pre-internet times to now, one incredibly helpful thing I've found the younger generations using is the internet to break mental health taboos. Being honest and talking about it, even with a little levity sometimes (I'm looking at you memes), can help.

I've been seeing the same therapist for many, many years now. We've worked through so many things; childhood traumas, hospitalizations, relationships, work struggles, and everything in between. We've had discussions about how shit the American health care system is and also shared wins.

They've had a couple kids. I've started to accept I'm not broken, I'm just really fucking neurodivergent. Not exactly equivalent to some, but to me, hell yeah. I'm killing it.

Here's a little background on me. I am in my early 30s and I've been dealing with mental illness (major depressive disorder mostly, plus anxiety, ADHD, and autism) for the entirety of my life. You'll notice I specifically say "dealing with" and not "suffering from," which is the more common phrasing. This is something I work really hard to do. For me personally, speaking about my MIs in a semi-light way and using specific language really helps me accept and advocate for myself. A psychologist I had in a group therapy session once told us,

Honestly that one statement changed everything for me. One of my biggest pet peeves around how people treat those of us with MIs is the age old trope, "Just think positively!" It drives me batshit insane. For one it implies that I enjoy feeling like garbage at random and destroying relationships with people I care about for no reason. And for another it implies that who I am and how I live my life is inherently wrong.

Something I'm going to tell you, probably over and over again as I write this blog, is that if you deal with any kind of MI, YOU ARE NOT WRONG. I even have to remind myself of this, pretty regularly to be honest. There is something that's going on in your life, in your brain, in your physiology that is causing this to happen and it sucks and we all wish it would just go away, but at the very baseline, it's not wrong. You're not broken. You're just different, and different is okay.

More about me, I am wildly queer and I will fight you about it. Not really, because confrontation is extremely triggering for me, but I do feel really strongly about my LGBTQ+ community. I truly believe they are one of the most welcoming, accepting communities on the planet. Personally I identify as pansexual/asexual/aromantic (pan/ace/aro) because sexuality is a spectrum and I love everyone and no one at the same time, and I am non-binary because gender norms are dead. Use whatever pronouns you want for me, this is an internet blog, who's to say I'm even a real human?

Something I've gotten into recently with my therapist is called "Internal Family Systems Therapy." So I'll probably bring it up a lot. As I am a mere mortal and not an authority on literally anything, please follow the link to read more educated material about this subject. Otherwise, here's my very, very broken down, idiot, tl;dr.

IFST is a type of therapy that centers around the idea that within every person's mind, there are separate parts with separate purposes, usually to protect the base part. Recently in therapy I equated it to, "a close cousin of Dissociative Identity Disorder," in that you think of these separate parts as different versions or personalities of yourself. For example, in my situation I feel that within my mind there are at least five separate "me's" that are all Ryn but also each their own Ryn.

Of course, firstly there is me. The very essence of who I am. Funny, smart, loving, and able to think clearly and rationally. This is the part of me that has been me from birth and will only ever change for the better. It is the base, the original. This is the part of me that wants to stand up for itself but most often gets overtaken by the other parts. Base me gets frustrated when people use MI terms flippantly (ie. "Oh I'm so OCD!" "I'm goth so I'm also depressed." "You're like totally schizophrenic!"). Drives me bananas. Just don't do it.

Next there is depression. This is the part of me that experiences deep sadness, mental anguish, self hatred, and many other nasty, no good things. Usually the depression part of me is equivalent to someone I like to call Floor Ryn. People who know me well, know if I tell them I have become Floor Ryn, it means I've gotten so low that the only thing I'm able to do is lay down on my kitchen floor and exist. It is not comfortable, it does not make me feel better, but I simply cannot do anything else. I'm nigh on catatonic. Though at other times depression is sobbing for hours and being unable to listen to music with lyrics for fear that I will start sobbing.

Because depression is what I deal with the most and what comes up for me the most, there's a lot to it. Depression isn't just emptiness, it can also be cruel. To myself and to others. It's the part that has been hospitalized for attempting suicide. It's the part that created the hundreds of scars that live on my body. It's the part that has told friends I hate them when really I don't. It doesn't care about the exciting plans the me part of me made for next week, it just wants to cry and rage and feel miserable.

Next there is anxiety, and this is the second of my more prominent parts. This part overthinks, panics, has meltdowns/temper tantrums, and tries to fix everything. It's neurotic and selfish. It's the part that picks at my nail beds. It's also both blind and hyperaware of everything around me. It's that toddler at the mall beating their tiny, fat fists on the floor while you're thinking their parent should be doing a better job parenting. This part is also surprisingly rational; it can be bargained with. It can be given evidence and shown that everything is okay. I find anxiety to be easy to manage on a daily basis. But I do have meds for emergencies.

Next is ADHD, Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. This one is somewhat new to me. I've probably always had it, but haven't been diagnosed until adulthood. This part always has at least five projects going at once (I'm an artist and just a creator in general). ADHD can't pay attention in lectures, can't stay still, is terrible at exams, needs to multitask, and constantly wants to go off on tangents. It's hyper, impulsive, and generally content, if not good-spirited. It makes me question occasionally if I inherited my dad's bi-polar disorder. I haven't; I've been told many times by many practitioners. But the thought's still there (hello, anxiety).

Finally autism, and again this one is new to me. This is the part that feels like an alien because I can't understand why you feel the way you're feeling or fathom what you're thinking. It's the part I think that is the most ace/aro. It's the part that doesn't care about dating or sex and doesn't understand how you can't live without your partner for two days. Also it's the part that can't look you in the eye when we're talking and says shitty things sometimes because it forgets that yeah, it is actually human and has to follow human social rules.

All of these personalities of me coexist at once but can also present themselves more individually. They're each trying to do something for me. Depression is, to use another therapist's words (Kati Morton), "pulling the ripcord" to yank me away from a situation it deems triggering. Anxiety is working to repair and investigate to find a solution to the problem at hand. As for ADHD and autism, I think mostly they're just along for the ride. ADHD is kind of a bro, a Gryffindor (big Harry Potter nerd here). But they have their uses, I suppose.

Am I perfect? No, absolutely not. Do I want to be perfect? Not really, no, sounds hard and depression isn't up for the challenge. In thinking about perfection, I like to think of the Japanese aesthetic of wabi-sabi, which essentially means to embrace the beauty of imperfection. As an artist, I've heard of it mostly in the context of kintsugi ceramics where pieces of pottery that have broken -- whether on purpose or accidental -- are repaired using something that will emphasize that it was once broken. I've often seen it where the shards are attached back together with gold so that the cracks are almost more beautiful than the original piece.

So, to try to find a conclusion to this post, I am mentally ill. I have been for a long time and I will be for a long time more. I am not broken. I am not wrong. I am not perfect. And all of these things are okay. I want to improve myself, sure, but I think everyone should strive to do that, MI or not. All I want to do with this blog is share my experiences and the sometimes comical ways I twist my deep, dark brain to ease the pain a little in the hopes that someone else might feel comfortable sharing those things, too.

Because you know I totally want to hear the ridiculous and stupid shit you've said to your therapist before, no matter how cynical and morose. Seriously, so I can share it with mine next week.