#like when i was a kid lies i was told where like about haunted houses zombies and the existence of a non existence twin sister

[wisteriainslumber]

baby twst headcanons

happy mothers day, have some disorganized tiny shenanigans feat. the twst women warnings: ch7 spoilers for draconia family members, siblings lying for fun (borderline malicious behaviour), foul language, and maybe a teensybitoftraumaoopsies

Riddle

if he could, he'd be an outside kid with tons of bug friends

secretly kept a caterpillar pet in a lil terrarium jar until it could fly on its own

he found it while it was raining outside and wanted to help it grow :(

my guy was a sickly victorian child

rarely would three months go by without riddle falling ill

he has dyslexia. without the pressure of having to get everything right on the first try, riddle can kinda enjoy reading now because he gets to learn new words and concepts at his own pace

deep in the corner of his room sits a journal with only half if it filled out. most of the entries start like 'i read a new book today' immediately followed by something like 'i do not understand life'

he actually can't bear to read the contents of the more recent diaries, but he equally can't bear to throw them away (not until he can send his younger self a letter that it will all be okay)

his only connection to other people his age were trey and che'nya

and on the occasions where trey was absent che'nya would 'teach riddle about the queendom of roses'

most of the time he fed him lies and riddle believed him

and most of the time riddle would yell at che'nya for being confusing and not clear enough

you can't just tell him that the hat man haunts him at night then reply with "what hat man?" when riddle asks for clarification

like !!! the hat man you just told him about !! (which gets him a reply of "who told you about?" damn you che'nya)

his favourite childhood memory was going out with them to get matching pins together

he still wears his little crown pin today!!

cats would frequently perch on his windowsill and riddle likes to watch them lounge in the sun and wonder what cats think about

(che'nya claims to know but riddle has never seen the beastman talk to a single cat)

but kitty-speak was riddle's first learned animal linguistic. he would practice by talking to the regular cat by the window

it stopped showing up for a while and then came back with four kittens and riddle smuggled them for a good... three anxiety-riddled hours before telling the cat their babies will be well taken care of with che'nya instead

riddle may had to give up those kittens that day but owning a pet cat will be in his future soon. #manifest

Trey

it was a massive game of follow the leader in the clover household

when mama clover was carrying flour over to the patisserie, you'll see the mini clovers carrying small bowls and utensils to help

easy bake oven user

but he was ass at it

legend says his unique magic manifested at age 10 when it was mommas birthday and he baked a really shitty cookie, so he prayed to the queen that his mum would think it tasted nice and it did :D

his siblings took a bite out of the rest of the batch and wretched very dramatically

had his hands full trying to convince che'nya to not eat the glass he found on the sidewalk because it 'looks crunchy'

in fact, whenever talking to adults, trey never refers to che'nya by his nickname but his entire full name. he just wants you to know!! also che'nya is a nickname for friends and family >:(

trey's room has always been free reign for his other siblings, they treat it like a common room

why? mostly because they don't have permission to do anything fun without supervision but big brother trey can to be their supervision :)) right :)))

the clover household is no longer shocked by che'nyas abrupt presence in their house. he seems to favour a certain corner of the house and most of the material on trey's bed

theres usually an extra set of utensils by their table in case che'nya appears. there used to be two extra sets but.. you know🫠

his siblings started a game of hiding as many rubber ducks in trey's room without him noticing

but after they permanently clogged the pipes of the toilet with their duckies, they switched to ugly stickers all over trey's bicycle

howEVER, it happens to be their bicycle now because trey outgrew it and had to get a new one. have fun cleaning the stickers :D

unofficial designated seats at the table and in the family car. real fights have broken out over the siblings because of these spots

still fears basketballs to this day because his brother threw one and trey happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and he woke up with the wrong accent. oh, and a concussion

Cater

all brands but barbie was ruined for caycay

his sisters used him as a mannequin to practice makeup

he had extremely elaborate revenge plans to pin them on the other sister but would get his ass whooped if he was caught

of course, that never stopped him from being extremely crafty to get out of trouble :)

referring to himself in third person cutely was a learned behaviour for survival™

it never worked in his household but it surely worked with other kids his age

collecting pity points but at what cost

had a girlfriend on club penguin for two months and got publicly dumped on club penguin

banned from club penguin because he wouldnt leave her alone and she reported him

sold off his sisters rainbow looms

those kids that are cognitively gifted such as he thought the people in the tv were trapped in there and then asked his mom if they were also in a tv and trapped

whenever dad worked in the office, cater would sit in the big boss chair and 'help', which meant that he was sorting coins and bills based off colour

he also told his dad to wash the money because it looked dirty on the corners

whenever he and his sisters played together, they'd tried to open the compartments of their toys and cater had so much fun with the screwdriver and taking stuff apart

also owned a joint notebook with his sisters. there would be things like poems, drawings, and the hair of ruined barbie dolls taped inside

cater has his own journal though, and he composes very emo poems in there. all written in glitter gel pen. cater would later look back on these and cringe but the more you read, the more you kinda get into it. it is a tad bit profound... for an eight year old, that is

Ace

demented ass doll player

his version of fun was making his dolls de-limb each other and throw them into a big pit to summon his darth vador figurine

whatever in-game ace is, that was his brother except he was significantly worse

my boy ace was the number 1 victim of big bro trappola

ate brown paint chips, which was 'chocolate' according to his brother

was locked inside the bathroom while his brother whispered bloody mary into the walls

sat through horror movies to prove he was a big boy and shit his pants when his brother recreated the jumpscares in the middle of the night

until he got a little older and started outsmarting him

now the trappola brothers team up to terrorize everyone else

its a competition for the brothers to compete over who can spoil the plot of which movie first

weaponized the slap bracelets

sucked milk out of plushies. no i will not elaborate

he's a jump rope champion! and it carries over to those skipper hoops as well

he does prefer the skipper hoops over the rope simply because there are um... ankle shattering consequences if you miss a jump, which meant it was perfect for sharing with the neighbourhood kids! gotta keep those stakes high, ya know?

tried to do a lot of magic tricks to impress papa trappola

made his brother take him to the amusement park and big bro got MAD tips because everyone thought ace was so cute, and quote unquote 'an angel'

like NO HES NOT???? if only big brother trappola knew ace picked up his charisma from him😭

Deuce

grew up with 80s movies, he thinks every that happens in those movies are true stories

he was always presented with old gadgets to 'fix' so its now something he can do pretty well; restoring old devices

the kids his age thought he was like wayyy too old fashioned, like born in the wrong generation

bike kid. if he wasnt inside he was on wheels

he kept a barbie doll in his bike basket and always made sure she wore her helmet (she was the bike guard)

slept with eggs and held them in his hands hoping to hatch a baby chick

thinks teachers live at the school

super sweet child. he's the first at the other kids' side if they got hurt

at the same time he is the biter kid. especially on fathers day

loves reading stories with grandma. whenever she came over, he would bring her a book

he'd also stick around the kitchen and try to see what she was doing. he thought that maybe he could learn to cook a few things by himself so they had more time together

in times like these he would be internally angry at his father because?? grandma is always working, mum is always working, fuck that guy specifically.

easter is his favourite holiday. his family have a tradition of egg painting and deuce used to hide caramel candies in them because grandma liked them

best helper kid around. will hold the dustpans and stuff while Dilah was sweeping

knew the names of all the trucks his mum drove and also a lot of the mechanical part names

had a habit of accidentally breaking things like clocks so he learned quickly how to fix them back up

his grandma takes him shopping for stamps so deuce can send mail to his house, addressed to his mum

Leona

parkour child

bounced all around the palace, climbing the trees outside and everything. gotta keep those claws sharp

before his father fell ill, the kingscholar family used to have lil picnics with Kifaji outside

without fail, leona would always find the highest seat or a nice sun rock to rest upon

unconsciously, even now, leona finds immense comfort in sun rocks

followed his brother around everywhere

when he couldn't catch up, Falena would give him piggy back rides while he was going about his day

asked him many questions bc hes curious about the world

would ask him difficult questions he already knew the answer to just to see Falena struggle lol

whenever tiny leona got tuckered out, his brother would carry him back to bed in lieu of the servants

leona insisted on sitting in the conference room with his dad to gain insight on how kingdom affairs were run

papa kingscholar agreed since it would be good exposure for them, and leona was the one who took notes, Falena would point out the participants at the table and quietly introduce them to leona

ruined the lives of people he played chess with. imagine being bested by a nine year old in chess. the shame.

after Falena got married, leona shifted his studies from maintaining amicable kingdom relationships to medicinal research and ancient curses

the palace staff thought it was out of malice, but leona wanted to focus more on the properties of magic now

(and also, well, based on the new target on his brother, his new sister-in-law, and his nephew, there can never be too many precautions..)

even when he was a tiny child he did whatever he fancied

his servants may have told him that tending to a servant's hair was below his stature but that only made him sneakier when making tiny braids in Kifaji's hair

git gud g

Ruggie

another crafty child

aye, when it depends on your survival, you learn to use those legs of yours to run like the wind

even worse he was a small ass child so he was hard to find

snuck into schools and pretended he could talk to ghosts and charged the kids a quarter to talk to a ghost for them

mental math god. from multiplication to geometry and time, ruggie knows the most efficient ways to get the job done, as well as a few backup plans

would sew up little felt dolls for his neighbourhood friends

left the house to do a bunch of odd jobs and picked up quite a few languages, which meant even more jobs all around, and now he has some pretty unique talents

like, he can preform acrobat tricks! and he can also paint a house upside down. oh, and he can travel quickly on one foot! (don't ask)

oh yeah, ruggie had a huge slime stand

he would make so much slime and sell it off and it made mad bucks but he also absolutely hated slime. what a good waste of detergent and glue, honestly... >:(

and people wanted them different colours and with charms and the like. at least it was a thriving market, but ruggie cannot stand the sight of slime ever since he retired from the slime scene

really liked rubiks cubes because it was like painting a little puzzle. also, when the children got bored of it, they would try to detach the squares and put them on the faces they desired

it was so funny to watch because they will use the oddest tools and tricks to dislodge the squares (like tying a shoelace around a square and trying to tug it off like you do with baby teeth)

ruggie also made lots of origami as seasonal decor :D his grandma really like the flowers and birds he would fashion

this IS canon but i want you to know that he would take the neighbourhood kids and rotate the group around houses in different costumes to get more halloween candy. everyone stan ruggie

Jack

he has younger siblings so his sense of justice was in his personality wayy back then

got to be an exemplar big bro for them💪

whenever they were playing castle, jack was always the princess because his sister wanted to be the heroic knight

if you asked jack, he would say that his sister only wanted to be the knight as an excuse to beat the shit out of his brother

wanted piercings but couldnt get them pierced so his sister gave him sticker earrings

they did not work nor stick very well but he loved him

let his siblings bite him, it seems to be their preferred mode of affection

sometimes they will wordlessly enter his room just to bite him and chill

often had playdates with vil when he was home

jack still doesn't quite know what the difference was between all these water brands vil was showing him but the spirit is there

oftentimes vil was alone in the house so the two played grown up and cooked by themselves

vil had told his dad that they were married because jack would come over and had sleepovers a lot

jack has a big green thumb. he wanted to plant a garden but he started with succulents first because they are notoriously hard to kill

by now he's ready to advance but every time he goes to get different plants, he comes back with more succulents haha

the plants under jack's care are happy enough to bloom flowers, and he gives them to his mama

if vil learned a spell, he would teach jack and vice versa. the BIGGEST supporters of each other. friendship is magic, guys

the first time they learned colour changing spells was an entire mess and vil was bawling in a panic by the end of it because they dyed Eric Venue's favourite couch bright blue and didn't know how to reverse it

jack wanted to call vil's dad to tell him but he ended up calling the wrong number and thought they were in trouble so he ended up bawling too

whenever vil wasn't in the class, no doubt jack is going to question his whereabouts

oddly, jack and neige have never interacted and only found out about vil being their mutual friend well into their teen years

Azul

like ruggie, was a master hider

unless he wants to be found, you will never find him

learned how to read earlier than kids his age because he wanted to prove he could spell big words to his mama

he may have cried a lot as a kid but do you know what that means? FREE black paint!! SUCK IT, PLEBS.

my boy was an astounding artiste, its why hes so creative with getting his way

azul is a visual learner, and always finished books a little slower because he REALLY analyzes all the pictures like downright dissects it

his grandma suggested art as a way to express himself while also making sense of the world around him

even though he thinks his old drawing of him and the twins is outdated in terms of his skill level now, he has a sentimental attachment to it and keeps it in his room always

trading trinkets was a common thing between the trio aka the twins would pop by

mama ashengrotto adored the twins bc they adored azul('s mom that is)

also inherited a beautiful singing voice from mama ashengrotto. he and his grandma would bond by playing the piano and singing. sometimes, they'd do a little show at his mom's restaurant

red hair was seen as very attractive in the coral sea and he very regrettably colour-magicked his hair

it was not the shade he wanted, but he was curious on what was, so with the many complex spells he learned at his age, he experimented with different lengths, colours, and styles until he restored it back to its original form

there remains one surviving picture of his red hair and it is kept in his stepdad's wallet (because its the only place azul wouldn't look!)

no azul is not aware pictures of his redhead era even exist

Jade

loved to weave necklaces and bracelets using shells and plants

gave a lot of necklaces made of sharks teeth to his family and azul because those are valued good luck charms!

it might also be because he loved to hunt sharks but he pretends thats not the reason :)

wandered off all the time and floyd always had to drag him back home before night

hes a curious boy, wanted to explore everything around him, especially the dangerous places

child leashes don't work in the sea but im sure mama and papa leech would have loved to have one anyway

was the main reason why he and his brother have separate rooms

too many petty "stop leaving your mess on my side (of the room)" and hissy fights had mama and papa leech mad

things definitely settled after they had separate rooms

sometimes if he got into trouble he would pretend he was floyd and sent his parents off to look for "jade"

highkey never worked but it never stopped him from trying

started a new method of using tears and his parents were more lenient with him after so he realized he can get away with things if he shed a few tears

he can cry on command and this is his primary weapon if scaring people off didnt work

will then pin it on the other party as if he didn't enable the fight

straight up told floyd lies growing up, that the pufferfish would crawl inside his ears when he sleeps, or that floyd was 'allergic' to seahorses, or that in order to get an angler mer to go away, floyd had to use bioluminescence

this carried over to land as well except jade didnt know whether his words were true or not he just straight up made things up

was also a very very sickly child. got ill extremely easily and is much more sensitive to temperature or water pressure changes

esp during pollen season? jade is gonna lose those lungs he just acquired from sneezing and coughing

Floyd

grade A hoarder

he sees something he likes? he's bringing it back home

unlike at NRC, the twins have separate rooms so the entire space is filled with a bunch of floyd's knickknacks (its why jade is always mad)

as soon as hes done playing with one he's found something else on his swims so his room is 80% things lying around

and when jade stole said knickknacks claiming it was his turn to play thats when floyd suddenly claimed that mermaid doll (that he highkey forgot existed) was his prized possession

back off jade thats his property😡

when he was younger, he loved looking and behaving exactly like jade, but as he got older he valued being his own person instead of an X2

is actually legitimately the older sibling by a few minutes and deliberately decides whether its his privilege or not whenever he can

but as soon as "because you're the oldest" is said he claims that none of them are older because they were born on the same day

to the outsider, it sounds like floyd is feeding jade a heap load of bs, but he likes gathering trivia and wording it so it *sounds* fake but really isnt

like that seahorses give birth via baby explosion

one exception to this rule is that floyd is constantly changing the story of how he met jade

one instance it was that they found each other, another was that some kid kept begging him for food and that later their mom said that was his sibling, other times, jade had allegedly died before floyd used his awesome magic to revive him

most of the time floyd tells jade that a whale shat him out and whatever came out of it looked so deformed and floyd thought jade was so soppy pathetic (in a cute way) so he brought him home

jade never tries to refute nor confirm any of these allegations but when the last story gets told he's always a little more passive aggressive with floyd that day

Kalim

sickly victorian child #2

its from all the poison attempts

and as a result he may or may not have tried mithraism so maybe its worse than we think😭

allergic as hell to bug bites too like someone please give them a electric racket

hide and seek is banned from the Asim household

at that point in his life, kalim had a good 6-7 siblings and letting them loose in a big household AND telling them to hide is a recipe for disaster

it was almost impossible for him to get in trouble too because no one was about to scold the heir of the house

workers of the Asim palace were absolutely not going to scold him and his parents had like fourteen other more rambunctious younger children

but don't be fooled, kalim is a very good seeker when it matters! he can spend hours focused on finding something important, so those hide and seek games were banned for a VERY good reason when kalim was out at night searching and didn't return the next morning (meaning he got childnapped)

oh, whats a little kidnapping but a minor setback? hes fine and in one piece, the doctor triple-checked! anyways, who's ready for another round of hide and seek??

every now and then, kalim falls victim to the good ole' midnight hour and kitchen scissors hair disaster. no, no one learns

the birds and random animals in the Asim park (that's right, his private park..) all have names and kalim visits them often to befriend them

he's learned around a total of eight languages and he will personally translate (with jamil as the scribe) his own books so he can teach his younger siblings

even remembers all their favourite hobbies, genres, activities, etc, etc

the Asim children all have one thing in common and that is their love for bubbles, but who doesn't?

kalim spends time in the nrc lab to create the perfect bubble solution with big, long lasting bubbles. trust.

remembers faces, names, and even birthdays very well. you can always bet on kalim to wish a servant or one of his tutors a happy birthday!

to kalim, having someone know your name and be happy to see you is very important! so he wants his loved ones, guests, and servants to feel appreciated, especially on their very special days :)

Jamil

has the immune system of god he has survived all of the flu seasons without catching it himself

he and kalim played in the bird houses often

taught the parrots a bunch of silly words and phrases

Najima taught one of the parrots to only refer to jamil as 'stinky'

he and Najima claim they look nothing alike even though kalim and everyone else insists its true

the two siblings fought over particular hairbands while sitting next to an entire selection of them💀

Najima loved to fight over things that jamil wanted first just for the victory

yeah, even in childhood jamil never got a break. as if the universe would give him that

we all heard the silly goofy story of jamil shuffling around under a vase thinking he was all sneaky and shit. he has many more stories like this

such as climbing in trees (he only got stuck twice!), wrapping himself in cloth and slithering on the ground (very conspicuous!!), again, draping himself in fabric and trying to blend in with the walls (with a 50% chance of success) etc, etc.

he is SO good at hiding and has so many secret spots around Asim palace, trust him.

Najima?? literally sent him a picture of curry for his birthday to celebrate. the two constantly send each other a bunch of pictures of random rocks, disfigured trash, and all sorts of unsavory things with the caption 'look its you'

while other servants were renovating Asim palace, they told the kids not to run around, because someone could crack their head if they fell off the ladder/the ladder fell on them

so, like the curious kids they were, jamil, Najima, kalim, and a few of his siblings camped around the construction zone waiting for someone's skull to break

its just morbid curiosity, they weren't wishing ill upon anyone

Vil

'don't carry me! i can walk by myself!' but in a way to convince his dad to pick him up

loved being carried around but would never admit to it

partook in many sweets as a kid even though he limits himself now

had a tradition with neige to make hot chocolate every thursday after school. in the warmer seasons, they switched to making their own fruit juice with the blender

from whole kiwis, to sweet potatoes, and ginger roots, it evolved to throwing random things in the machine to see what kind of funky juice would be made

our dear Eric Venue thinks this is so cute he has no problem with it as long as they dont waste food and clean up after. it would be a good habit to learn

plus vil looks so happy because he thinks operating a blender is such a grown up thing to do

1000% ate things he wasn't supposed to

the lipsmacker smelled so good though :(

when he failed a spelling bee and didnt want his papa to be disappointed in him the most logical thing in his seven year old mind was to eat the test

ripped it up and munch munched on the paper

and that had been his primary solution to bad grades until he was able to get in a good study technique (that, and his stomach rejecting the paper)

HORRENDOUS handwriting and it was because he tried to trick himself into being left-handed for a good portion of his life because the Beautiful Queen was left-handed >:(

also had trouble with enunciation from learning very big words. Eric can understand him but a bit of speech therapy and musical training helped

(if you're lucky, you'll still hear hints of it when vil's extremely sleepy)

often made friendship bracelets with, like, no one to give them to

traded a few with jack because vil taught him how to make them. jack thought that they would be a nice thing to give to the rest of his family, and made a few for vil in exchange

Rook

you think him crawling around on the dirt was a recent thing? hell no this was a learned childhood behaviour

he may not have had a bow back then but he had rocks and a will to play

and by will to play i mean he would pelt a lot of things with rocks

his old teachers had to placate him by teaching him how to skip stones on the lake for every one else's safety

only members of his own family were willing to play hide and seek with him

mostly because he is a terrifying seeker. you hide in the bushes and not two seconds later you hear those loud ass military grade boots stomping in your direction

ik no one wanted to play hide & seek with his ass. he only got worse after he developed his unique magic

helped paint his family's nails bc he had such a precise hand

its probably the nail polish fumes that made him this way. among 10 million other things

you know how kids would give each other cards and lolipops on valentines day?

well, on heart's day, rook would have drawn a picture of all his recipients and attach a cool leaf or flower to it

its very adorable and extremely thought out. his old recipients still think of him to this day (real)

rook had very nice penmanship even at a young age. he started by replicating his fathers handwriting and liked the flow of cursive and flair of a signature (rook has made a lot of personal signatures for himself)

had a wax stamp phase where he would dry out and collect a bunch of flowers and presses to make wax stamps

he still is crazy about wax stamps but now he can carve his OWN presses with his OWN knife 👍👍

made homemade twisttube videos at home with his siblings. they range from movie scene recreations, lip sync videos, or full on original scripts

be assured that the costumes, lighting, acting, and editing were rather top tier for their age, and it is because rook's family is exuberant like him (all cutie pies!!)

Epel

mud pie maker

he and the chickens in his village go wayyy back

didn't need animal linguistics to understand the clucks

uhh hey did anyone else have the experience of having pet chickens and then having them disappear and reappear on the dinner table??

im not saying it happened but im also not saying it didn't happen

he does brush his hair. the only reason he hates it when vil brushes his hair is that he feels like his scalp is getting scraped off

the only way to get epel to bathe was to use those three-in-ones because he would never sit still

those children that get dirty thirty minutes after you bathe them. sigh

overlined his lips with his ma's lipstick because ma used it to look nice before going to sell their produce, and epel wanted to help with sales this time. you can probably guess what happened after

the dislike for cosmetics is lifelong

(he did apologize by picking a handful of dandelions for his ma)

adrenaline junkie through and through. as soon as his legs were long enough to touch the pedal, he'd be operating the forklifts and in no way was it safe or responsible

fed the birds with seeds meant for their garden. they were hungry :(

fiddled around with the stray instruments on rainy days, now he can play in perfect harmony during celebrations with his relatives

epel has perfect pitch. destined for pomefiore all along <3

epel did not fear bees. he has potential for being a beekeeper but he didn't want to wear the bee suit

learned how to read and write very early in because he wanted to help out around the village. epel put checkmarks to confirm shipments and things

a bunch of his drawings are hung around the home

'helped' his grandma Marja knit by using the needle to stab the ball of yarn she needs to hand it to her

Idia

banning him from anything was impossible

locking your kids away from the cookie jar would work for anyone but idia. and not for the spiteful reason you think

makes him want to do it more because its interesting enough to stimulate his genius little brain

at that point he doesn't even want the cookie anymore

doing mental gymnastics to exploit loopholes. having a remote controlled airplane fetch him a cookie isn't going against his parents' word because technically he never touched the jar at all

which leads to extremely specific rules established in the shroud household

some notable ones include "severed limbs are only allowed in the staff freezers on halloween" and "no hacking the automated showers to chase down staff member C for thinking Premo are cuter than ortho"

his minecraft boyfriend broke up with him after they built their house together

it doesnt end there though, it never does. ortho took control of the pc to burn down the house and idia also got them banned. never underestimate the rage and revenge spirit of a child scorned

you know that thing about a devil and an angel on the shoulders? well, ortho was 90% the enabler for Bad Behaviour

and mostly because if idia was thinking of doing something, chances are, ortho was already doing said something

the S.T.Y.X staff often with the brothers were usually roped into playing video games and were happy to listen to whatever the boys felt like talking about

idia would bring new inventions to them and play a guessing game of what they think the function was

ortho stunk really bad at building things from scratch, but he was pretty good at memorizing the names of the parts to help idia

idia would ask the staff to take them to the observatory often. they would learn all about the constellations and idia liked to chart how they changed through the seasons

Ortho

his parents mostly had him because idia always got too creative when he was bored and thought having a new baby in the family would help idia fix up his behaviour, you know, be a good role model for ortho and all

... turns out, ortho would be pulling idia into all sorts of mischief. and worst of all, he ALWAYS GOT AWAY WITH IT.

he is tiny but mighty

lots of attitude in this little body

his favourite word was 'why'

him and idia had new nicknames for each other all the time

some of the time they were just kid things, most of the time they were a prize

whoever clears the extreme level with the highest score gets to make the other call him a nickname of their choosing

his received nicknames included such like "cosmic warrior", "lord of the shadow realm", and "the almighty" (when he beats idia's high score... after 5 losses in a row that is)

has no problem hacking the main S.T.Y.X system then blaming it on the employees for having weak security (some bs like 'im six and managed to break into the most secure network')

im sorry but i can't deny it. yes, ortho is an ipad kid and yes his ipad was disgusting

except ortho actually does listen to cyber security and he didn't have the passcode lock, he had the password lock, and it was changed every other week

(idia has accidentally locked the ipad on several occasions trying to guess the overly complicated password)

insane attachment in the sense that he will make up some bs reason (AND a forged research paper to further solidify it) on why he can't be separated from idia

if he were actually surrounded by children his age, just know ortho would've been the biter kid

weaponizes his cuteness just like jade but in a more ^^🌸 way

in these cases he will only refer to himself in third person because it pulls the most heartstrings

tugging on idias sleeves and telling him "ortho wants a cookie" had yielded better results for him than "i want a cookie"

and ortho is nothing if not a very smart boy

Malleus

fully believed that eating the seeds of watermelons would cause one to grow in your stomach

grandma Malificia found it too funny to correct him and to this day malleus still believes it

1/2 contributor to lilia's hairstyle. whenever lilia tried to make him take his bath he would spit fire

(until lilia let him play with the bubbles that was)

when he was a little kid and knew he was in trouble, he would hide in all sorts of places and pout

except he sucked at it. his hiding skill was between "if i dont see you, you cant see me", or his tail would be poking out behind the couches

usually the servants would turn the other way unless it was an emergency. because if malleus was found by anyone but the Queen or lilia, he'd have a toddler tantrum (he thinks they gave up on him)

spent most of his early days finding comfy nesting places or hunting for shiny things. there was nothing but Instinct in his little noggin until he could transform into a bi-pedal form

every day, without fail, he would get his horns stuck in something and throw a fit over it

testiest kid to ever test. when you tell mal he can't do something he'll do it bc he wants to understand why he can't do it

wanted to help grow the roses in his garden faster by summoning a thunderstorm that lasted three days and three nights

whatever tantrums you think malleus throws now are the most mild ones in his entire life

a younger malleus would summon entire hurricanes unknowingly and he would screech and babble in old fae tongue

a non-briar valley resident could easily mistake this for a demon summoning, but this is a normal tuesday in the palace

TRUST, malleus' temper is the tamest ever in the entire draconia lineage

the palace staff actually thank the witch of thorns for her mercy because this tantrum only burnt the entire east wing of the castle to the ground. the young prince is so tame !!

Lilia

straight out of a horror movie, this one

has the long dark hair and only wore long white dresses to really complete the look

loves walking around bare foot to connect with nature. that dress will be smeared with mud, fur, and berry juice (that were always red or purple tones, to everyones horror)

you all have lilia to thank for the inspiration to this horror trope

im talking wandering around in the dark, glowing magenta eyes, which appear red at times

sits SO still when its story time and the story is ancient curses and tomes

was also the kid that claimed they had a ghost friend and that his peers were being mean to "billy"

and no his family was probably the exact same way tbh

the fae are sturdy and lilia went without supervision for days

its quite a normal thing in his household

lilia would be fighting real ass ghosts in diapers and his mom would be cheering him on

the streaks are not from a goth phase but it was more of a 'the fruit juice in cranberries make really nice paint did you know??'

he also really loves tomato juice and it happens to be pretty too, so, why not?

it was originally red streaks but faded and he liked the pink better

one day he packed his bags and told his parents he was going to live in the afterglow savanna and his mom straight up joined him in packing

i like to believe that lilia did have edible food as a child but the army just ruined his tastebuds for Ever bc at that point, food was only a substance needed to live, it didn't have to be enjoyable

yeah, anyway it would be super funny if lilia's parents were good chefs, but lilia legit cannot tell the different between salt, flour, and white glitter

lilia was scooped up by Malificia mostly for his skill but it really turned out to be a glorified playdate for Meleanor

the princess was a mENACE and lilia could take her thunderbolts a bit better than the rest of her servants

(meaning that lilia was the only one that wouldn't be screaming bloody murder, he just would be hella mad and Meleanor thinks his audacity is funny)

Silver

lilias method of feeding him was waterboarding him with milk and that does not come without consequences

although lilia would go out often, its safe to say that silver was never really 'alone'

lilia would have a magical beacon on him at all times even if mal was babysitting, and he appreciates that the wildlife took a liking to silver

speaking of, silver had no concept of stranger danger no matter how much lilia told him so

every time malleus would come over silver would ask him to play murder mystery with his dolls

his first word was an attempt at malleus' name

they played together a lot it was really inevitable

helps worms and snails when it rains by helping them get under tree stumps or grass

played with axes & garden shears (thanks lilia)

2/2 contributor to lilia's hairstyle. and by that i mean he gave lilia a haircut with garden shears (that lilia fully encouraged so silver could 'build his repertoire of skills')

at this point lilias hair length was more of a liability since his sons loved to tug on it and one had a penchant for burning it

take your eyes off silver for one second and he's gone. he saw an ant, a bird, a cool statue, etc etc

loved all the fairytales lilia read him and always asked to be read the ones where true love reigned

him and malleus ran off together (more like mal whisked silver away) everywhere to play and explore

mal loved to show silver the most random things and he would always speak to him like a grown up

would often protest at the end of the day because he didn't want to part ways with him

their earlier conversations looked like mal was listening to silver say something profound even though all silver could do at the time was babble in toddler language with the occasional 'tar-tar' (no one knows what this is but malleus insists that silver is telling him he's hungry)

Sebek

beat the shit out of rocks with sticks

in the colder seasons, and and silver would find rocks or big ice pieces to smash on the ground

poor dude grew up confused as heck. lilia tells him lots of things, and he goes home and his parents tell him a different thing

complained about going to the dentist so much that now silver knows so much about the teeth structure of fae

his siblings love him so much, they're always doting on him and pinching his cheeks and that's why his smiles are so big and nice (real)

refused to eat anything on a fork. he hated the taste of metal

much preferred to use chopsticks. learned because he was a Big Boy now (he is one) and can help himself!!!!

unexplainable hatred for felt fabric. he used to melt all of his felt puppets in the water

him and silver dug a hole in lilia's backyard thinking they could make it to the shaftlands

they didn't make it to the shaftlands, but they dug too close to the river, so the hole filled up with water

and while silver panicked, sebek straight up burst into tears thinking the hole was going to drain the river

also burst into tears one halloween where lilia was dressed up and claimed he was the river spirit and didn't know anyone named sebek

ate a dog treat at some point but silver and malleus also joined him (not before malleus trolled sebek by saying he's going to turn into a dog now)

sebek was so distressed that he dragged malleus into it that he questioned his entire life because he loved playing with sticks. did he eat a dog treat earlier in his life???

when questioned, sebek told silver he didn't need to worry about the dog treat because he already drank milk like a puppy anyways (referencing the milk waterboarding, of course)

anyways, this incident ended in a stick-sword fight and malleus got a bonk on the head from lilia for his instigating

this is where sebek learned it btw. silver developed a thick skull because sebek is ALWAYS bonking him on the head for not knowing things he deems 'everyone should know'

taglist (let me know if you want to be added): @bigmoose1964

[sugaroto]

Aftg au hc: Neil is from a place where its known to be full of liars and when he meets the Foxes they all easily believe everything he says except Andrew who knows about the rumor and is like yeah no I don't believe a word you're saying, I have to do a background check

See tags for explanation why

[smartycvnt]

Love and Devotion

Pairing: Harley Quinn x Reader

Prompt: 3. "There's nothing I wouldn't do to make you smile."

NR

WC: 1051

It took a certain kind of person to thrive in Gotham City. You had not always been that kind of person, but after your admission to Gotham University, that was what you had become. You remembered your first week in Gotham vividly. Sometimes, you still woke up drenched in your own sweat at night with night terrors because of it. No matter what you did or how much growth you thought you went through, those memories still haunted you. For quite some time, you had lived your life in a way to avoid anybody finding out because it was a huge weakness, but you couldn't live that way any longer. Especially not living in such close quarters with Harley. It had been hard enough to keep Harley away from picking your brain whenever the two of you had been casual.

"You wait right here with Auntie Y/n," Harley told Lucy. You couldn't imagine how hard it was for Harley to pretend that she wasn't her daughter's mother. It took a toll on her, even if she tried pretending that it didn't. Both of you were full of secrets, but slowly you were opening up to each other. "Maybe she'll even give you a piggyback ride. She gives the best piggyback rides."

"Really?" Lucy asked skeptically. You nodded as you glanced down at the girl. She looked so much like Harley sometimes that you couldn't believe it. All of the Quinzels looked pretty similar, but Lucy was practically a clone of her mother. You knew that was just luck. Lucy's life would have been a lot harder if she had any resemblance to Joker. Harley would have had a harder time integrating herself into Lucy's life that way. You would have had a much harder time allowing yourself to be included in that integration as well.

"Not to toot my own horn, but Aunt Harley doesn't tell lies," you said. Lucy climbed around to get on your back as she waited with you for Harley to grab snacks from the kiosk at the zoo. The three of you were just leaving to drop Lucy back off at Harley's sister's house before you went back to Gotham. These trips upstate were nice, especially for the few hours that Harley was at peace knowing how good Lucy's life was. You didn't doubt that Harley wouldn't give it her all to make Lucy's life enjoyable if she ever wanted custody, but you knew how hard that would be. Harley loved Lucy more than anything else in the world, but there was a level of devotion required to be a mother that Harley couldn't commit to, not after everything she had been through. Harley doubted herself just a little bit too much for that.

"She is out like a light," Harley said as she looked at Lucy in the rearview. You turned your head to look at the sleeping child in the backseat. You wondered if you would have ended up in a similar situation with someone else if your life had taken any other direction. You wouldn't have to use fake names or aliases whenever you came up here if you had. You'd still be stuck out in the Midwest probably married to some guy who worked at one of the local factories. Gotham had completely altered your life, but you liked where you were these days. There was never a boring day whenever you were with Harley, and for the most part, the two of you managed to keep the wrong people out of your business.

"I'm just about to join her. I swear that when I was younger kids were not so tiring," you said through your yawn. Harley shrugged as she slowed at a stoplight. "Although, I don't think that's a normal amount of energy for a child."

"Normal for a Quinzel. Henry was way worse than Lucy when he was that age, but boys are different. Do you think that you could handle a whole one of your own?" Harley asked you. She seemed sort of nervous, which was not something that you were used to. Harley always approached everything with complete confidence.

"After everything I've been through, I'm not really sure," you answered honestly. "The thought of a family scares the hell out of me. It's what I've always wanted, but I don't know if I'm the same person I was back then. And I could never raise a family in Gotham."

"We would move. There's a place I wanted to show you actually," Harley said. The two of you dropped Lucy off at home before going a little ways further out of the city. You had never been so far upstate before, but it was beautiful. Harley stopped at a farmhouse, one that looked like it hadn't been inhabited in years.

"What is this place?"

"My inheritance from my grandparents. Technically, it was supposed to be split, but Henry and Melinda let Penny buy them out. Whenever I dropped Lucy off, Penny was going to move her up here once I got my Joker problem taken care of. They came up, but the pollen wasn't good for Penny's kids. I pulled some strings to get them a nice place not too far from the city, so Penny left this whole place to me for whenever I wanted to settle down," Harley explained. You smiled as you looked around at the property. "I kind of thought one day it'd be Ivy and me here, but she's got her own sanctuary and I'm not a part of it anymore. Besides, there was never going to really be a settling down with that relationship. There's so much shit that I could never tell anybody else that I want to let you know because I know you wouldn't turn me away."

"We've all got our baggage," you said. Harley smiled, but it faded when she remembered one of the first things the two of you had discussed once you got serious.

"Are you okay with leaving everything in Gotham behind?" Harley asked you.

"In a heartbeat. There is nothing I wouldn't do to make you smile like you were today," you told her. Harley lunged at you, knocking both of you onto the grass as she excitedly peppered your face in kisses.

[musicalchaos07]

Hi hello, it's me again, happy WIP Wednesday here's what I have for my Bylerween fic so far I hope you like it:

For the record, Will thinks this is a terrible idea. And when his step-dad eventually comes to arrest them all he’ll say that he wanted no part in it, that all he wanted was to go out with his friends, he thought the worst thing they’d do was maybe smash some pumpkins but they'd be back at Mike's by nine playing D&D in the basement. 

B&E was nowhere near his Halloween plans. Yet, here he is outside the Old Creel house as Eddie Munson is regaling them with the story of the house's alleged ancient curse. He doesn’t believe in curses, he’s way too old for that, but he can’t deny there’s something odd about the Victorian. It’s almost like it’s watching him. The thought sends a shiver down his spine. Mike leans in closer and Will tries not to think about how beautiful he looks.

“You okay?” he asks in a low tone 

“Yea fine, just cold” Will answers 

Mike pulls off his leather jacket, holds it out for Will with a nod.

“No, thanks though” Will

“You sure?” Mike questions

“Yea”

They’re sitting on a derelict swingset in a park across the street. The hellfire club is gathered for their own ritual. When Eddie finishes with storytime he expects each of them to explore the house by themselves. After all, according to Eddie they can’t possibly survive the intensity of Dungeons & Dragons if they’re afraid of a little house. Will’s not sure how those two things are the same but he didn’t say that. Besides, Eddie promises that this is the last thing they’ll have to do to become official Hellfire members. But he’s really only here because Mike is here. Now that he’s paying closer attention, Mike also looks pretty disinterested in what Eddie has to say, twisting around on his seat and smiling to himself. It’s probably because they’ve both heard this story before, on Halloween night ages ago. And frankly, Jonathan told the Creel story better or maybe it was scary because he was nine. Eddie’s dramatics are too childish for what should be a somber tale.

“And then when Old Man Creel realized what he had done. He plunged the ax into his own chest ending his bloodlust” Eddie recounts with a theatrical flourishes, acting out Creel’s alleged final moments

“That’s not how I remember it” Mike snarks in a whisper before Will can say anything. 

Will snickers, and Mike beams at him. 

“Something funny Wheeler" Eddie interrogates 

"No not at all"  Mike lies, and Will has to hold back his laughter. 

"Great. Now as I was saying, Legend has it that Old Victor still haunts his once peaceful home searching for another victim to sink his ax into" Eddie finishes with an expression that Will guesses is supposed to be frightening but seems more cartoony than anything.  

"That's disturbing" Dustin shudders 

“It's bullshit”’ Will exclaims

“Oh really?” Eddie challenges 

Next to him, he can feel Mike tense slightly, readying himself to defend Will. 

“Yea really” Will continues “It was the kid that snapped and murdered his whole family”

“That’s where your wrong Byers” Eddie roars 

“Are you sure Will?” Lucas asks from his spot on the playground

“Yea, Jonathan said it was the kid” Will insists 

“Hate to break it to you pipsqueak but there’s no way a twelve year old could do that” Eddie laughs and the rest of his club joins in. Dustin, Lucas and Mike don’t move a muscle and Will is grateful for it. 

Will doesn't tell Eddie that once when Jonathan was twelve he hit Lonnie so hard with a baseball bat that he passed out just to protect him. For reasons unknown to him, Eddie doesn’t like Jonathan. Which is enough of a reason not to like him in Will’s book. But Mike, for whatever reason, worships Eddie. And he loves Mike. So now he’s forced to sit with Eddie at lunch, participate in the Hellfire Club, and be in this stupid,cold park listening to a fake story. And the only other reason he puts up with it is because at least they’re playing DnD again. But he’d much rather be in Mike’s basement with his friends playing video games and lamenting how they’re too old to go trick or treating. 

“Jonathan says that place isn't anymore haunted than the lab outside of town” Mike chimes in and Will perks up as Eddie rolls his eyes

“Didn't they used to do MK ultra experiments?” Dustin questions

“That's an urban legend, dummy” Lucas answers with a shove. 

“Well Byers” Eddie starts “Since you clearly aren’t afraid why don’t you go first” he goads 

“Fine” Will shrugs, getting up. 

Will can feel Mike watching him but he really doesn’t mind going first the sooner they get this over with the sooner he can go home. He picks up a flashlight from Lucas, passes a smirking Eddie and makes his way across the street. He hops up the stairs onto the porch, he can hear muffled talking from in the park but doesn’t think much of it as he pauses at the door. It, like everything else about the house, is old. Someone attempted to board it shut but it’s long since been pulled away. No doubt by some other mischievous teen fulfilling a dare to impress their friends. 

Will finds himself mesmerized by the stained glass window displaying a bright rose. Unlike the rest of the windows of the house, this one hasn’t been cracked or chipped away at. He wonders if it’s been reinforced somehow or if Hawkins kids, as obnoxious as they were, were at least sensible enough not to destroy the artwork. He reaches out for the doorknob and turns, but it doesn’t budge. Will scoffs at himself for thinking it would before bracing himself to knock the door in with his shoulder. 

“Will wait up” Mike calls, catching up to him

“Thought I was supposed to go alone” Will responds cynically 

“Oh c’mon what kind of guy would I be if I let my best friend get murdered by a ghost” Mike jokes 

Friend. The word linger in the crisp night air and Will hates himself for focusing on it. He convinces himself that he’s imagining the slight rose creeping into Mike’s cheeks. 

“Yea” he nods softly, turning his attention back to the front door. 

“Together?” Mike suggests 

“Together” Will agrees, as they both shove the old door open. 

[americaswritings]

In the dark I will call your name | chapter 5

Warnings (for the whole series): angst, talk of depression, trauma, nightmares, violence, mentions of blood, language, lots of emotions

Summary: You could never tell them the truth about who you were, what you had done, the demons that were haunting you. So you buried it deep inside of you, swearing to take the secret to the grave with you. Then the nightmares start, the headaches, the simple drop of red confirming your fate. Vecna knows the truth, feels you suffering. Can you escape his curse?      

Words: 2.2k

Pairing: Steve Harrington x reader

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Chapter 5: Secrets and Lies 

Dustin had left you the passenger seat. Another reminder that something was wrong. Usually, he would sprint to the car to claim it before you could, and you would let out a sigh and take the backseat. 

Now you silently slipped into the front, spending most of the car ride staring out of the window. Steve’s music was playing in the background, but he kept it low, sensing none of them was in the mood to sing along. Even his fingers weren’t drumming on the steering wheel along the rhythm like he always did.

“Can’t we just call El or something?”, he suddenly spoke up. “She fought these things before. I am sure she can take on Vecna too.” 

“You remember the part where she lost her powers, did you?”, Dustin’s voice came from the backseat, and you noticed Steve looked genuinely surprised. “I don’t think anyone told me about that”, he mumbled, the excitement from his idea gone.

The rest of the ride you spent in silence. You could see Steve was focused on the road in front of him, but his thoughts were elsewhere. For you it was the same. 

How many times had you cursed this town, which had brought you nothing but bad luck since you had moved here with your family when you were eleven years old? Now it suddenly didn’t seem so bad. You recognized the streets and houses, the little forest, and the football field. Even with all its faults, this was your home.

Steve didn’t have to ask where you wanted to go. When he pulled up to the trailer park you were surprised he had even remembered the way, since he had only been here a few times. You had tried to keep him as far away from your family as you could and that included your home. 

You weren’t too fond of it anyway. You rather spend your time at Steve’s house or, like most days, anywhere else in town. “Max and you are neighbours? How could I not know this?”, Lucas wondered, and you shrugged, shooting a glance towards Max who was still wearing her headphones. 

You hadn’t made it a secret, but you hadn’t been keen on talking about your homelife either. You could usually avoid bringing it up in a conversation. It was how you had made it through most of school without people knowing much about you. The less they knew the less likely it was for the popular kids to pick you out as an appealing target for their everyday bullying.

“You want me to come with you?”, Steve asked as he put the car in park, but you shook your head. “I will be quick”, you told him, grabbing the letters and fishing for the keys in your pocket. 

At this time of day you didn’t expect anyone to be home so you planned to place the letters, grab a backpack, and pack a few things from your room you would rather your friends have than your parents.

When you stepped into the trailer you were greeted by the smell of alcohol hanging heavy in the air. You quickly found the source, three open bottles standing at the little kitchen table. Scrunching your nose, you grabbed them and dumped them into the trash. Your last day on earth and you were still picking up after your parents.

“You were gone for looonng!”

You jumped at his voice but recomposed yourself a second later. “I was busy”, you said through clenched teeth, striding towards your room, hoping he wouldn’t follow you. But you heard his heavy steps behind you, his panting growing louder.

“Yeah, you’re always busy!” You could hear it took him an effort to speak the words, although it didn’t surprise you he was drunk in the middle of the day. When you had moved to Hawkins to start a new life here your father had been promised a position as a scientist at a high-tech lab. 

You had never known what his work included and honestly you had never bothered to ask. He was a scientist, that was all you knew. But then everything had gone downhill. An experiment had gone wrong he had told you, resulting in the destruction of the faculty, marking the beginning of your father’s unemployment. 

In the early days you had felt bad for him, had seen how much he struggled since the loss of his job and tried not to judge his new drinking habit. But then days had turned into weeks, weeks into months and months into years. At this point he didn’t even try to attain a job anymore, almost always living in a state of intoxication, so he didn’t have to think about how miserable his life had turned you guessed.

To say it didn’t make him the nicest person was an understatement. But your relationship had grown especially worse ever since you had learned about El and the truth about your father’s work. You had never told anyone about it, had promised yourself it was a secret you would take to the grave with you.

Now it didn’t seem so far away anymore.

You were ashamed of it, of your father, of being his daughter and being so blind to it all for years. If you hadn’t been so self-absorbed all these years, had cared enough to ask him about what exactly his work was...

You had come to the conclusion that your friends could never know. Not even Steve. They would hate you for it, despise you for your father’s doings and you couldn’t even blame them. Although it hadn’t been your hands executing the deed, you weren’t innocent. You should have stopped it, should have seen what was really happening. 

And even if they decided to forgive you, which you knew you didn’t deserve, they would never be able to look at you the same way. So you stayed silent, buried the truth deeply inside of you and pretended you weren’t such a coward.

But now when you looked at your dad the rage became all consuming sometimes. You resented him for his decisions, for his drinking, for his absence and his critique, for the position he had brought you in, for who he made you to be. 

You didn’t want to fight with your father in what could be your last hours, so you kept your back turned to him, silently packing what caught your attention. 

A bunch of polaroid’s you had hung up on a clothesline, a bunch of scrunchies Nancy had always adored, your favorite sunglasses you figured would look amazing on Max, a few books you thought Robin could like and your notebook with unfinished song lyrics, maybe for Steve to keep. 

“You’re so so busy all the time!” His words were slurred, but you kept your expression neutral as you moved around the little space of your room. “Probably with that Scottie boy-” “His name is Steve”, you interrupted him, grabbing a few last items to stuff into your backpack. “Oh, right Stevie.”

You rolled your eyes at the stupid nickname your father had come up with for your boyfriend. It didn’t sound nice at all when it came out of his mouth. “You’re packing.” It took everything in you not to grimace at his much too late realization. Maybe he should have become a detective.

“So what, you’re moving in with him now?” You zipped up your bag, swinging it over your shoulder and marching past your dad into the area of the trailer that could be compared to a living room. Only it was tiny, cramped with too many things and lacked the comfort a home should offer.

“I am not moving in with him. I’m just leaving...for a while.” You didn’t want to get out the envelopes with your dad seeing it, knowing he would not wait for you to be gone to rip it open and ask questions you didn’t want to answer.

So you leaned against the table, hoping if you answered a few more of his questions he would be satisfied and leave you to be. “You think you can just go in and out here as you please?”

You supressed a sigh. “I thought that was the concept of a home. And I am an adult now. I make my own decisions.”

Your father let out barking laugh. “Looks like Stevie boy gave you some fire.” “Don’t call him that!” He narrowed his eyes at you, a threat looming behind them. “He deserves some respect”, you added, a little lower this time.

“Nah. Boy doesn’t earn respect, if he doesn’t even have the manners to introduce himself to me, your father!” He had begun to hiccup, and you bit your lip to keep yourself from curling your nose. “He aint deserve anything from me, sneaking around with my daughter like that. What a loser!”

You felt your anger flaring up. You should have listened to Steve and stayed at Nancy’s house. Coming here had been a mistake.

"I told him not to bother with you. I was the one who didn’t want him to get to know you. So you can be upset at me all you want, but you don’t have any right to talk about my boyfriend that way.”

Your father had taken a dangerously step closer to you, but the blood was rushing through your ears as anger cursed through your veins. 

“You know what? The only loser here is you. I mean look at you! Drunk at- what’s the time?” You gazed at your clock. “4pm.”

When you looked back up your father was standing directly in front of you, but that wasn’t what got your attention. Behind him, at the wall of your trailer you saw the big clock again, the golden pendulum swinging from side to side as the sound echoed in your ears.

“Not now”, you muttered, closing your eyes in hopes the clock would have vanished if you opened them again. “(Y/N)!” Your eyes flew open. The clock was gone, but there was no relief. 

The voice was low and raspy, sending shills through you and making your hairs stand up. You directed your gaze back at your father, but his eyes were white, filled with what looked like clouds.

You gasped, trying to take a step back but bumping against the table you had leant on. 

“You can defend your boyfriend all you want, but you know the truth!” “What truth?”, you asked, your voice shaking a little as you tried to focus on anything else than the creepy eyes your mind must be projecting. 

It’s just a vision, you tried to calm yourself. Your father still looks the same and he is probably still hiccupping and slurring the words. Nothing to be afraid of.

But that didn’t make it any less real in the moment, any less terrifying.

“That he would never love you if he knew what you really are. What you did!” “What I did?”, you stuttered, confused how he could possibly know about the guilt you felt because of his actions. How could he know you hadn’t told your friends? Hold on- how could he even know you knew the truth?

“Don’t pretend you’re innocent. I know the truth. You think I’m the monster, but so are you. You’re no better, lying to your friends and holding them at arm’s length. You take what you need but you don’t give anything back!”

“No”, you whispered, shaking your head, and reaching your hands up to massage your temples. “This can’t be real.”

“They would despise you if they know who you really are. And little El? She trusts you, but you betrayed her, over and over again! You think you’re saving them from pain, but you’re the knife, stabbing them in the back like the traitor you are!”

“No!”, you yelled, squeezing your eyes shut. “This can’t be real”, you whispered, bending over as the pain in your chest grew nearly unbearable. Your mind was spinning as you repeated the words over and over to yourself. 

“Open your eyes little bird!” You choked on air at the nickname your father had given you when you were still a little kid. But the voice didn’t have any similarities with him anymore and when your eyes opened on their own, it wasn’t him standing in front of you any longer. 

It was a creature, tall and broad, so disgusting to look at you felt sick to your stomach after just one gaze. Vecna.

But you couldn’t turn your eyes away, as if you weren’t in control of your body any longer. “You know I’m coming for you. Your time is nearly over!” 

A loud gong ripped through the trailer, and you realized the clock was back, the pendulum swinging faster and faster until you thought your head was about to burst from the loud noise.

You squeezed your eyes shut again, burying your head in your hands as you let out a scream. 

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[thebiggerbear]

Let Me In or Let It Drown - Rebecca Jessel

Word Count: 2058

A/N: I finally finished my rewatches of The Haunting of Hill House and The Haunting of Bly Manor last night. I liked Bly well enough when I first saw it three years ago but I didn't connect to the story as much as I did for Hill. But this time around, I connected and it tore my heart in two. I especially felt for Rebecca, watching once again how their story started and where it ended up. I felt for Peter a bit due to what he went through growing up but ultimately it didn't excuse or justify what he'd done and he wasn't healthy for Rebecca and I felt more for her and what she lost. Especially when she tries to comfort Flora in her final moments, forcing herself to go through this horrific and traumatic death again in order to protect Flora in the only way she's able. That scene struck me and it broke my heart but endeared me to the character even more. So basically, this is me getting those feelings out and wanting to give Rebecca a further moment of agency at her end.

Thank you to my beta Em, you rock girl!

Rebecca wasn’t sure when she had finally realized that Peter was no good for her.

Perhaps it had been at the moment of her death, when he’d abandoned her to the dark and watery grave that he had trapped her in. She had trusted him, believed his assurance that they would be together if only she would let him in. But they had been lies — all lies.

Or perhaps it had been when she’d started the process of dream hopping, when she could see for herself the toll it was taking on the kids, even when she knew full well what Peter’s plan was—the plan that they were all working towards. He’d told Flora and Miles that they didn’t need to worry, that they would be with their mother and father again. More lies.

Or maybe it had been when she’d seen Flora in her arms, about to go into her own dark and watery grave, the terror plain as day on the young child’s face. When Peter turned to Rebecca and spat, “I gave you your freedom and you’re letting it drown,” it had been as if she had come back to life only to be stabbed by his words. He had claimed to care about Flora and Miles, yet now he dismissed one child’s frightened cries for help while he carelessly used the other to do as he pleased. He’d even had the boy coldly murder Mrs. Grose, a motherly figure who the child had trusted and come to adore over the years. Even after what these children had been through, he still used them for his own selfish desires. Maybe that was why Rebecca liked reliving the good times before Peter had died, before he’d left her on this mortal plane, forced to continue on without him. Or so she’d thought…

Remembering her own death, Rebecca found herself following Flora and the entity into the lake. She didn’t want the young girl to experience what she had and, unlike Peter, she wouldn’t abandon her former charge to the cold and murky waters to face this alone. She might not be able to stop the Lady but she could tuck Flora somewhere nice and warm and painless until it was all over. 

Thankfully, it turned out she hadn’t needed to take on death a second time for the child after all. As the Lady carried her deeper, choosing to keep young Flora’s eyes shut in preparation for the event, not wanting her to see a single second of what she had seen at her own drowning, a sudden cry of “It’s you” rang out into the air. When the Lady turned, Rebecca could see the young woman from earlier plunging desperately into the waters after them, saying the same words she herself had said the night she died. The young Ms. Clayton had offered herself up and surprisingly, the ghost had accepted. Flora was now safe, and a strange new feeling began to overtake the grounds.

“Do you feel that?” Rebecca marveled, glancing down at her hands, almost as if the feeling coursing through her and the air around her would suddenly show itself as it wound around her fingers.

Turning away from Owen’s shocked gaze, she found Peter standing before her once more. She was relieved that he had let Miles go, though she couldn’t be sure if that was what he had chosen to do or been forced to do by her replacement’s decision—as if Dani’s and the Lady’s merging had set a line of dominos falling, one right after the other, and Peter’s possession of Miles had merely been one of them. 

“Peter,” she whispered.

“Becs.” He gave her a wide smile, the same smile she had fallen in love with once upon a time. “We can go now. Can you feel it?” The happiness that radiated from him turned to ash and a slight feeling of despair once it reached the edges of her spectral form; she no longer shared his happiness. Instead, she appeared to be disconnected from it, as she had been now for some time. “We can go anywhere we want to now.”

Hearing the children talking not too far away, she glanced over to find them with Henry, the soaking wet au pair watching them as she was tightly embraced by Jamie. Henry was hugging his niece and nephew and the scene lightened Rebecca’s heart some. That had been what the children wanted this whole time, what they needed, and it was better than permanently being tucked away in some memory with only echoes of their parents. “Perfectly splendid,” she whispered to herself, her smile growing when she saw young Flora’s eyes close in relief and contentment as she laid her head on her uncle’s shoulder.

“Becs?” 

She slowly turned back to find Peter studying her, his eyes brightened with hope and his grin warm with a hint of uncertainty. He held a hand out to her. “Can we go?”

She dropped her gaze to his open hand and scenes from the past few months flashed before her eyes. Peter’s smile, his eyes roving over her appreciatively, his touch on her bare back as he kissed her in between her shoulder blades… And then other images began to replace all of the good memories: his anger at her supposed flirtation with Owen, his grabbing her arm when she had gotten up to care for the children, his using Miles’ hands to push the housekeeper down the well, his promise that they would be together and leading her to her death only to abandon her, his plan for the children and their newest caretaker — all of it flooded through her. Her feeling as if someone had dumped ice cold water over her head somehow surpassed the chill of the actual water she’d drowned in. “And now you’re letting it drown.” The words echoed on a loop around her, three specific ones becoming the loudest: Letting it drown. Realization suddenly sparked within her.

Flora wasn’t an it and neither was she, but that’s exactly what he’d done. The man who claimed to love her, the man she’d given her heart to, had let her drown. He’d been so afraid of being alone, that she would leave him behind, that he’d snuffed out her young life and claimed her for his own selfish desires. Just like an it, a mere possession. And she knew without a shadow of a doubt that wasn’t love. Perhaps that’s why she’d worked with Flora to fool him back in the attic, why she’d been training the young girl to act like Rebcca had taken control of her young body when he had full control of her brother.

This new knowledge took her by surprise but not completely. Somehow she’d always known even if she had refused to admit it to herself. While she could never reclaim what she’d lost, what he’d taken, that didn’t mean she had to give him any more.

Rebecca met his gaze and shook her head, causing his smile to fade as she took a step back, moving out of his reach.

“Becs, what’re you doing?” Peter asked, his words ending in a chuckle of disbelief, trying his hardest to mask his displeasure and fear. He lifted his hand a little higher. “We can go now.”

“No, Peter, we can’t.”

She watched as all pretense immediately dropped and the more wretched version of her lover—the one she’d come to know in this form of purgatory they’d been in together— immediately surfaced, the very same version she’d only seen glimpses of while she had still been among the living. “Rebecca, take my hand.” He lifted his hand higher, demeanor. “It’s time for us to go.”

She took one more step back, and the action caused  his jaw to tighten. “No. I’m not going anywhere with you ever again.”

The anger quickly surfaced in his expression. “Rebecca.” 

“You let me drown, Peter.”

“No.” He shook his head. “I told you there was no other way we could be together. I had to.”

Rebecca’s dark brown eyes bored into him. “Did you?”

His hand formed into a clenched fist and he slowly lowered his arm, trying to regain his bearings and recompose himself. “Becs,” he attempted to speak soothingly. “We’re together now. Forever. We can go wherever we want. No one and nothing can stop us,” he entreated. “Just like we wanted.”

She tilted her head in disbelief at him. Just like they wanted? What Rebecca wanted was to become a barrister, to travel, to have him by her side in whatever form, joining him when she was ready and after she had lived a long life. This…she had never wanted this.

When she said nothing further, only continued to stare at him, he tried again. He smoothed out his hand and offered it once more along with a vulnerable hopefulness. “Come along now. Let us take our leave. We’re finally free.”

“Free,” she echoed sadly. It was a word that had encapsulated her longing for months even though it had finally arrived in a way that she hadn’t been expecting, in a way that had nothing to do with the Lady or the other souls that were stuck here at Bly. She could feel it; the answer was coursing around her, through her, teasing along her edges, right at the edge of her very grasp. All she had to do was reach back for it and it would be hers.

He gave her a hint of a smile, relief starting to peek through, and pushed his hand an inch forward. “That’s right. Free.”

Her gaze briefly snapped down to his hand and instead of taking it, she glanced up at him once more. “Do you remember what you had me say when you asked me to invite you into me that night?”

Despair flickered in his eyes. “Becs…”

“Peter Quint,” she began, taking a further step back.

“No,” he gruffed out.

“It’s you.” Another step.

“Becs, please. Don’t do this.”

“It’s me,” she continued.

“Becs, don’t!” He yelled, attempting to grab at her, his outstretched hand flashing towards her.

“It’s not us,” she finished. He froze, as if some invisible wall had suddenly erected between them and stopped him from progressing forward, a tear slipping down his cheek. 

“Becs,” he pleaded. He reached for her but couldn’t touch her. He tried again but was unable to, his eyes widening and landing on her face. Her lips tipped up in the beginnings of a soft smile and the terror grew in his expression as he realized what was happening. “No,” he hissed. “No!”

“It was never us, Peter.” She took a step back. “Only you.” 

He attempted to push past the barrier between them but once again failed. He gave it every ounce of strength he had when she continued moving backwards, away from him.

“Always you.” She could feel a warmth suffusing her essence, a lightness she had never known before beginning to encapsulate her. The feeling of complete and finished began to wash over her. The voice in the back of her mind that had taunted her her whole life was finally silenced and a sense of enough rang through her with a reverberating feeling of wholeness. It was quite peaceful.

“Becs, don’t!” He yelled, desperation reeking from every square inch of him. “We’re supposed to be together! I don’t want to do this without you!”

“And now…it’s me.” Her voice echoed on the breeze as she slipped away, her full smile and eyes closed in contentment being the last thing Peter ever saw of Rebecca.

“No!” He cried out, still reaching out to the space she had vanished in. His yell had been so loud, so visceral, that every single living soul surrounding the lake’s edge had heard and felt it. It startled them but they couldn’t locate the source of the sound. They all knew who it had been, however, and when no other cries followed, they continued to huddle together, relieved that they all had survived the night’s terrifying events. 

Peter Quint was now free to leave Bly Manor and go anywhere on the planet that he wished, but it would be without the young woman he’d manipulated during the short time he’d known her. 

Rebecca Jessel was free. 

[zaenight]

Crazy but she's mine ch9

Jodelle ferland as Young Jackie.

Danai Gurira as Esmae

Julio macias as Sari

the true parents.

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TW MENTIONS OF ABUSE , SA , AND MORE TOPICS DISSCUSSED IN EARLIER CHAPTERS.

---------------------

Edmund Whitt , a name that forever haunted Jackie vincent , although at that time , she was known as Camilia.

A sweet little girl , scarred and bruised by a cruel and evil man.

Her mother was not any better, if he got what he wanted , he wouldn't beat her , but he wouldn't touch her either.

Her mother was filled with rage and Jealousy , they were arrested many times ,but they always came back , always.

---------------

"Ez wake up!,Your brother is this close to being buried alive!" Jackie exclaimed as Angel sat at the bar with Illiana drinking out of their milk carton , Creeper and gilly were snoring away on the couch.

"What?" Ez said leaning against the wall , shirtless ,

Jackie looked him up and down.

"Your Brother is being a shithead!" Jackie said.

"How?" Ez said sitting on a stool.

"Because Ezekiel! , he's a shithead , tell him he has to take me to the theaters with natalia!" Illiana said.

"Why can't Jackie do it?" Ez questioned as He got up grabbing a beer.

"Uh no! no beer untill Angel agrees." Jackie said taking the beer from him.

"Querida your going to be the

death of me." He said to her.

"I can't drop her off because I have to run a few errands." She explained.

"Angel take the kid man." Ez said to his brother.

"Why can't you do it?" Angel stated .

"Because he'll be driving me."

Jackie said , giving Ez no chance to refuse.

"bien lo hare." Angel stated giving up.

(fine i'll do it.)

"Finally let's go! , Gilly! Creeper! Wake up!" Illiana yelled as she dragged the grown men off the couch.

The strength of a woman is to be feared , cause you'll never know when they'll use it on you , whether it be physical or mental.

Illiana and her three guard dogs left , Sally let out a bark as she was petted by Jackie who sat down on the couch.

"Where did you need to go." Ez questioned , worried as he

noticed she became tense.

"I lied , you always said you wanted to know about me , well Im gonna fucking tell you Ez." Jackie said , her leg shaking.

"Camila stop you don't have to." Ez said gently , Jackie looked like she was about to have a panic attack.

"Yes , yes I do , I don't know why I want to tell you , your

an ass , but I want you to know." Jackie said , the talk with letty and hope had her thinking.

"Okay , hey it's okay your safe." Ez murmured as She grabbed his hand.

"You read my files and shit ,

My step-dad used to do things to me , bad things happened if he didn't get what he wanted." She said letting out a shaky breath.

"And my mom? , She just let it happen , If he got his way with me he wouldn't beat her , but he never touched her either , one time she tried to-" Jackie said taking a deep breath.

"Tried to drown me in the tub , It wasn't untill my step-dad bursted in , I had passed out , I woke up sore ,

Guess you can guess what happened , I was about twelve when that happened." She finished.

"mierda nena, Im sorry." Ez told her wiping her tears.

(shit babe)

"Yeah , so when I was fourteen , I screamed so loud I woke up the houses on the block , the neighbourhood gang rush in , beat the crap out of both of them , one of the chicks , cradled me , dressed me and everything , yeah she was a good woman ,

I lived with her and the gang for almost two years untill

she died in a shoot out , but Esmae was a good woman , like a true mother." Jackie explained to him.

"Hell the night before Her and Her husband , Sari died , I called them mom and dad , what a fucked up day I had the next morning." Jackie laughed.

"Them and Twenty other members were shot down , I was at school waiting for them to pick me up , they never came,I thought they didn't want me anymore." She cried as Ez brought her into a hug.

"Then I walked home , And they were all laying there , and they weren't moving , and then I heard Sari saying somthing." she sobbed.

"Puede que no seas nuestra por sangre, pero eres nuestra niña, y eres miembro de los lobos de sangre, por siempre y para siempre." She said perfectly through tears.

"You may not be ours by blood , but you are our little girl , and your a member of the blood wolves , forever and always." Ez translated as Jackie sobbed.

"That was the gang , and thats what he said when he died , Esmae was already dead when I got there." She sobbed as Ez held her.

"Your a wolf so rip their heads off before others tear you apart , Don't let them break you , strike first , That's the motto." She stated wiping her tears.

"I think Im falling in love with you Ezekiel , and it scares me." Jackie whispered.

"Is it really that bad?" Ez questioned as he kissed her forhead , wiping her tears.

"Yes , Because in some way , People I love always get hurt." Jackie said.

---------------

A03 : Zae_night

Tiktok: zaenighteditz

tumblr: zaenight

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[too-many-blorbos]

Short Story for Spoopy Month: "A Halfway Haunt"

“It’s all fake, Jay. There’s nothing in here that can scare you.”

Lies. Even from the waiting room, he’d seen the flickering lights and heard the creepy music. His mother had insisted on coming here. “We have to do something spooky for the holiday!” she’d claimed. But she was no fan of fright either, which is why she’d settled on this place: a daylight walkthrough of a haunted house. Enjoy the creepy atmosphere without fear of lunging actors or jumpscaring animatronics. Great for kids. Bring the whole family. 

But you didn’t need actors to be scary. So what if no one was popping up and shouting “Boo!”? It was still dark. It was still foggy. The fake corpses and skeletons still looked eerily real as he passed by them. Even if no costumed horrors were around, his imagination conjured phantoms to take their place. At least they were allowed flashlights, but that only made it easier to see the gorey details around them.

“You’ll be okay,” A gentle voice assured him from up ahead. “I’ll go first, so if anything attacks, it’ll get me first and you can run away.”

The voice belonged to a girl who’d tagged along with them–younger than Jay’s parents, but probably a grown-up. She’d met them in line and asked to join their party. She felt safer in a pack, she said. She looked out of place in the haunted house, with her pink hair and cartoon T-shirt, but she was determined to get through nonetheless. “If you can do it, I can do it, little man,” she’d told Jay, offering a fistbump. He hadn’t caught her name, but he was glad for her presence. She’d volunteered right away to lead them, scouting ahead and reporting back on the terrors up ahead. It was easier to face the fear when he had fair warning. 

The group approached a room lit with fog and green lasers. Something about it made Jay shudder. He dug in his heels. “I’m not going in.”

The girl didn’t want to either. She tensed up and stopped when they saw the door. It spooked her too.

But she squared her shoulders and stepped through the curtain. The light of her flashlight bobbed among the fog. “It’s fine,” she called back. “The room’s empty. Look, they used fog and lasers so it feels like we’re wading through water. Isn’t that cool?” It WAS cool. Jay clung to his mother as they walked through. The movement made the smoke stir and swirl in lazy circles around them. It looked like the swirling surface of a murky pond. 

Scary. But cool.

“Just through here now.” The girl held open the door to the next section. They passed through the undersea grotto, into an abandoned mine, and then into a farm full of sinister scarecrows. Jay averted his eyes whenever their flashlights illuminated a gruesome feature. And there were many–a man impaled on a spike, a desiccated body, a giant crocodile head. The worst parts were the “in between” parts, where you had to squeeze past props or walk narrow halls to get to the next section. He buried himself in his hoodie every time they came to one. But whenever he refused to continue, the girl stepped in. She pushed aside dangling pig heads for them and held back blood-splattered curtains. Once she noticed his aversion to gore, she started warning him of bloody parts. And she chattered. She asked him questions and revealed the house’s secrets as they went.

“This bridge is built over sponges so it feels unsteady. And that bottomless pit is just a mirror floor, see? It’s an illusion.”

“Look here, it’s the hydraulics that make the croc head bite and snap. They’re usually hidden, but you can see them now!”

“The vanishing specter is a Pepper’s Ghost, they use that at Disneyland. It’s a mannequin lit up and reflected with a mirror!”

“Oooh, I remember this part! It’s not scary. Turn your lights off, they’ll spoil the effect.”

“How often have you been here?” Jay’s mother asked as they shuffled down a star-specked tunnel that spun around them and made Jay’s head spin.

“Just twice,” the girl admitted. “And the second time didn’t really count. I got so scared in the waiting room that I panicked and ran. Drove home as fast as I could.”

Jay didn’t blame her. This place was freaky even now, it must be nightmarish on a proper haunting night. He cringed as they passed a glowing coffin. The girl gave him a smile, scarcely visible in the dim light. 

“You’re doing great, little man. We’re almost through. Oh look, a dragon!!! Do you like dragons?”

It got worse at the end. Fluorescent paint pulsed under strobe lights as they fumbled their way through a maze. His eyes hurt by the time they exited into a somewhat less searing room. He was rubbing the flashes from his eyes when he heard his dad speak.

“Where’s your mother?”

Jay whipped around. His dad was beside him but his mother was gone. Lost in the maze. His stomach churned, his heart hammered against his ribs. They’d have to go back in for her. What if they couldn’t find her? What if they got lost again and he had to spend another eternity in that torture chamber of light and sound?!

“It’s okay. I’ll find her.” The girl vanished again. He heard her calling in the other room. More patrons stumbled out the door, but his mother was not among them. 

And then she was. She breathed a sigh of relief on escaping the maze and hurried to join her husband and son. Jay gripped her hands tight. “That was scary. Are you ready to leave?”

Jay nodded.

Luckily, the nightmare was nearing its end. After a few more obstacles, they finally stepped into an empty hall. The girl stood at the end, silhouetted by daylight. She turned and grinned at Jay, pointing around the corner. He almost fainted when he saw the exit sign there. “You made it through, little man.” The girl held up a hand for a high five. Jay slapped it, arms weak with relief. “Wasn’t that cool?”

It was, despite all the fear, cool. With the sun shining on him again, the terrors in his memories felt less real and more like the props that they were. And he’d learned things. The next time he went through a haunted house, he’d be able to spot where the scarers were hiding and what tricks they used to frighten him. That would make it easier.

Jay’s parents beelined for the souvenir photo booth. Jay spotted the girl walking off. She waved to him, giving one last grin. “Happy Halloween.”

He waved back. A happy Halloween for sure. He let himself free of his hoodie cocoon and followed his parents out. One of the workers gave him a big smile and a treat bag for trick-or-treating. He stood in a short line outside to receive candy from a pumpkinhead on stilts. Nearby, his parents chatted with one of the non-costumed employees.

“We had a great time. I still have goosebumps!” Jay’s dad gushed.

“Glad you enjoyed it,” the employee replied. “Just be careful going home. Last year, a guest got in a crash as soon as she pulled out of the parking lot.”

Jay’s mother gasped. “Was anyone hurt?!”

The employee nodded somberly. “She didn’t make it. Poor girl; she was so scared, she didn’t notice the other car coming. And she hadn’t even gone through the house; she was still in the waiting room when she ran off.” She shook her head. “Some people can’t handle fear.”

****

Sandra clung to her dad’s hand, not taking her eyes off the skeleton-man guarding the entrance. She didn’t want to be here. Daddy said this was a not-scary haunted house, but she already had goosebumps and they hadn’t even left the line.

“Hey, kiddo. Is this your first time here?”

Sandra turned. The question came from a girl behind them–younger than Daddy but way older than Sandra. Her pink hair glowed under the dim lights, and her shirt had a cheery cartoon character on it. She looked funny in a spooky place like this.

“I’ve been here before; I promise it’s fun.” She crouched to Sandra’s level, giving the child a kind smile. “Mind if I join you guys? I feel safer in a pack.”

Daddy agreed. The strange girl offered Sandra a fist bump. After some hesitation, she tapped her tiny knuckles against the girl’s bigger ones. The girl grinned bigger.

“If I can do it, you can do it, okay?”

[ghostslikemystories]

New writing project!! I’m calling it Bug and The Dead Boy

Tw for brief non graphic mention of s*icide

Here is chapter 1:

Hi. My name is Bug and last week some kid I went to school with killed himself, and now I think he’s haunting me.

Why me you ask?

I have no fucking idea.

I barely knew the guy but the day after he died they announced his death over the PA system and sure enough, about 75 minutes later when I entered the wild buffalo stampede that is the hallway between my history and physics classes, there he was. Standing completely still in the sea of sleep deprived children, staring right at me.

I have seen him every day since.

Usually in the hallways, but sometimes he’ll lean up against the wall in one of my classrooms or against some tree on the path from the school to my house. He just sort of stands there. He doesn’t always look at me. Sometimes it seems like he’s just taking it all in, just sort of hanging out and vibing I guess. He doesn’t seem angry or malicious, in fact, he doesn’t say a word. He keeps a neutral expression and his arms are almost always crossed over his chest, or he has his hands in his pockets.

Oh and he doesn’t speak.

It’s not like he was mute while he was alive, I mean from what I knew he seemed like a quiet kid sure, but I know he at least knew how to say “here” when the teachers were doing attendance.

Now, it’s not like I’ve ever been the model of a mentally well individual, but I feel like if I were the certain flavour of mentally ill that involved hallucinations (especially those of dead people I hardly knew), I would’ve noticed it before now, or there’d have at least been some signs that I was headed in this general direction.

I haven’t told anyone. For obvious reasons. I feel like I’d be more inclined to tell anyone if he was scarier. Like if he was giving me creepy looks or saying spooky shit to me but he isn’t. He honestly seems pretty chill, not like your more classic vengeful ghost haunting the halls of the school that presumably tormented him.

I’m still trying to figure out why me. I can’t recall ever having a full conversation and in the 3.5 years that we went to the same school we’d probably spoken about 5 times. Never anything more than asking to borrow a pencil or asking what the date was. Here is everything I knew about Milo Li Zhang

He slept in class a lot, or at least had his down on his desk fairly often.

He was pretty soft spoken, and had a slightly raspy voice.

He wore the same grey sweater almost every day

The only class i ever saw him voluntarily answer questions in was English (but to be fair we only had a few classes together)

I never saw him hang out with other people (but again, it’s not like saw the guy all that often)

And that’s it.

I know like five things about the guy so why the fuck can I see him and why does it seem like nobody else can.

Every time he appears I look around to see if anyone else is reacting but nobody ever is. Once I “accidentally” dropped my water bottle next to where he was standing so that it would make enough noise to cause at least a few people to look in his direction. Considering my water bottle is roughly the size of a military tank and made of metal, this was a considerable challenge for me to accomplish with any level of stealth, but it did insure that the noise would make at least half the class jump out of their skin. And yet with all that attention in Milo’s direction, nobody reacted to the ghost of their dead classmate standing before them.

So maybe some genetically acquired mental illness kicked in and I am indeed going crazy. I don’t like using that kind of language about other people but hey when you see an apparition of your dead classmate for a week straight, you’re inclined to forgo more empathetic language.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Bug, have you tried talking to him? Fuck no! Milo has been ever so kind as to only appear to me when I’m surrounded by other people! And even when I do try to wait wherever he is long enough for other people to disappear, right before we’d be alone, I blink and he disappears! So my only option is to talk to him in silent classrooms or crowded hallways and I personally am not trying to get committed to a psych ward, because I know a few people who have been, and they’ve told me that it’s not very fun.

So I don’t know what to do, or what to think about this whole situation. I don’t know if I’m supposed to seek professional help or if he’s really there, and either way I kinda don’t mind that he’s there? I mean yes this whole situation is concerning no matter what the truth his but honestly? He’s not hurting me. He’s not freaking me out or trying to get me to burn down the school or anything so does it matter?

Maybe if he starts standing over me in my sleep I’ll get some help.

Maybe not.

[blondrichclosetwitch]

But the bed is full of memories, full of memories of you.

Oh l've tried to get them out but, But there's nothing I can do.

The truth is true and tried but so are all your lies

A lie can be the truth—the truth just in disguise

You should hear us as a chorus (tell the truth)

bitch, we could blow off the doors (tell the truth)

the energy would do it all for us (tell the truth)

straight up out of a movie scene

who knew she was a drama queen that’d turn my life to Stephen king’s?

Just looking at your history you like the girl from Misery

Shorty kind of crazy but it turned me on

“Let me finish what I start, Babe.”~~this is a reference to how katie made me put the baby down for a couple of months because of what was done to him and how he needed to be cleansed, plus it was her birthday and she had a spiritual agenda

All I could do is put a seashell to your ear

I just wanted more.

“It's a funny business, Baby, as we can see 'cause we never know when death will come around. Hey, we all gotta hit the ground.”

I know the truth lies in between the first and fortieth drink.

The cool kids voted to get rid of me~~all I could hear was the noise that people make when they don't know shit…but I didn't know that yet

… Well, I guess you know what happened

Her mother said, "Never mind, your part is to be what you'll be"

She arrived at 6, and the place was swinging by 9; she bit her nails, looking pretty as a picture, right in the very front row

Her cheek hit a chair and blood trickled down mingling with her tears; her face was gashed, and the ambulance men had to carry her out that night.

Drum solo for the drummer(you never learn do you)

The time is near, there's not too long.

“You should see me at the governors ball.”

I’m the fleetfoot voodoo man living inside my eyes

When you are young, they assume you know nothing. I knew I'd curse you for the longest time.

I think about this world a lot and I cry and I've seen the films and the eyes.

The voices talking somewhere in the house, late spring

You're in the backseat laying down

Regeneration.

Maybe you're too close to see.

Figure of eight

6 and 9 again.

We're the ghosts of love and we haunt this place.

I need a vacation from my mind.You reach a certain point where you can't really see the point.

Ayo, trophy wife, out you won me until you had to find out it's one me

N-n-now you benched, aw, your bum knee

Let's go way back to the beginnin'~~That's when an idea took part from the start.

So I steel it…

But what an awkward situation.

Same tear, different eye

Bon voyage to you and me

Secret societies.

Colonel dirtyfishy

Seems I keep getting this story twisted so where’s Neill when you need him? Oh that’s right you told her he committed suicide.

The hair in pairs just got nasty.

[dreamwritesimagines]

Burn The Witch 23 - Haunted Heart [Bucky Barnes x Reader]

A.N: Thank you so much for your wonderful support and feedback my loves ! ❤ Here’s the next chapter, I hope you like it as well and please let me know what you think! ❤ Thank you! ❤❤❤

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Warnings: Enemies to lovers, lovers to enemies, fake dating, mentions of blood, sex, violence, death, manipulation, language, guns, knives.

Summary: Coming home can cause issues.

Series Masterlist

                          SIX MONTHS LATER

You flipped the knife in your hand as the guy tied to the chair glared at you.

“You know,” you trailed off, “I’ve had a really shitty couple of months, Johnny- can I call you Johnny?”

“No.”

“Rude,” you commented, “Fine. John. I’ve had a really shitty couple of months so you really don’t want to try me right now. Just tell me where I can find your boss.”

“You’ll never find him you stupid bitch.”

You rolled your eyes.

“Since I’m going to kill you in a couple of minutes I feel like I can share some things with you,” you said, “My best friend says I keep everything bottled and I should talk about my feelings.”

“Go fuck yourself.”

“See, that’s exactly how I feel!” you pointed at him, “Thank you. I mean, I feel angry at myself. I kind of fucked up with the man I love.”

“Jesus Christ, just kill me already.”

“I’m waiting for a text to do that Johnny,” you pointed out, waving your phone at him. “So, I tricked him and used him and threw him to wolves. And then Accords 2.0 didn’t pass and he has been pardoned once again, and he’s a free man now. I have a strong feeling that he’s not the ‘forgive and forget’ type of guy. You know, assassin to assassin.”

“You’re the chattiest assassin I’ve ever met.”

“Thank you, I’m trying to improve myself,” you said, “I mean what exactly should I do? I don’t even trust my agency at this point, my handler lied to me and I have been at this fucking place for six months now, hunting you down. Well, your boss but…”

“You’ll never find him.”

“We’ll see about that my friend,” you said, “So anyway, like what am I supposed to do? I lost the one guy I actually loved. How do you cope with that? Because drinking doesn’t work, sleeping with others doesn’t work…. Nothing seems to—“ you were cut off when your phone vibrated and you touched the screen to open the text message.

From: Julian

Go for it.

“Wait, no no no, I’ll talk—“

“Kind of too late,” you pointed the gun at him, “Nice to meet you Johnny.”

With that you pulled the trigger, silencer doing its job as there was no loud bang or anything. His body fell back with the impact, and you heaved a sigh.

“Maybe I need a therapist I can’t kill,” you mumbled and walked out of the warehouse to approach the car before opening the door to the passenger seat to get in.

“Is it done?” Julian asked and you nodded, rubbing at your eyes.

“Yep.”

“Are you hungry?”

You made a face, “Just because the General sent you here does not mean we’re going to become buddies.”

“I’m not trying to become buddies with you,” Julian stated, “I just want to eat fries and there’s a two for one deal.”

You eyed him up and down.

“Fine, I could eat fries.” You leaned back in the seat as he started driving, keeping your eyes on the road. Soon enough, you reached the city center and Julian got fries from a food truck, then sat across from you.

“So,” he said, “You do realize this whole thing would’ve been over by now if we actually worked together?”

“I’m not going on the field with you.”

“The General sent me here to help you.”

You dipped the fry into sauce, then popped it into your mouth, “You can help me by pretending you’re not here.”

“Y/N.”

“You know what they say Julian. Fool me once…”

“Don’t tell me you’re still holding that grudge.”

“You mean when you left me behind to die on the last mission we were together?” you asked back, “That grudge?”

“I told you—“

“I’m not going to talk about that with you,” you cut him off, “And I work better alone. Who told you we could waste the guy by the way?”

“The General.”

You grabbed the salt shaker to pour some salt on the fries, causing Julian to make a face.

“Are you kidding me? That was salty enough-“

“Why did he not text me?”

“No idea. Maybe he’s avoiding you because he promised you handler and here you are. Field spy.”

Your jaw clenched.

Or maybe he’s avoiding me because he fucking lied to me.

You had to give it to him, it was the perfect plan. The moment he had suspected you were getting too close to Bucky, he had come up with the one thing he knew that would make you switch sides.

And that-

That was below the belt yes, but that was also masterly.

But at the end of the day, you barely had two people to trust in the entire world, and you seriously doubted you could ever forgive the General for what he had done. You knew he held duty above all, above family and surely above you, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

You shook your head at yourself and grabbed another piece of fry.

“So um…” Julian shifted his weight, “Are you okay?”

You shot him a glare, arching a brow, “Peachy.”

“No I mean… About Barnes.”

“What are you talking about?”

“This whole Accords 2.0 failure, there’s no way we could go after him again.”

“I don’t want to go after him again.”

“You don’t want revenge?”

That made you straighten up your back and you put the fry down, “And why exactly would I want revenge?”

That made Julian fall silent and you nibbled on your lip.

“What exactly did the General tell you before you came here?”

“That there was a job here.”

“Bullshit,” you replied way too quickly, “Did he send you here to be my babysitter? He thinks I’ll go after Barnes myself is that it? That’s why they sent you here months after I left the country but right after Accords 2.0 didn’t pass.”

Julian licked his lips.

“Listen, the agency wants to keep you safe—“ he started but then his phone beeped. He grabbed it to take aa look at the screen, then cussed under his breath.

“What?”

“Check your texts.”

You touched the screen and frowned as your eyes skimmed the text.

From: General

Time to come home.

“Well,” you muttered, your heart dropping to your stomach, “Shit.”

                                                   ***

Coming back home was harder than ever now. After catching up with Keith and Chloe, you were taken to your new apartment that was given to you by the agency as usual, and for the whole night you couldn’t sleep.

Even if there was no trace of Bucky in your new apartment –in your new life, you still couldn’t shake off this feeling. It was as if the moment you had entered the country, Bucky had entered your life in an instant.

Odds were, you wouldn’t really see him again. After all it was a big city, and Bucky wasn’t exactly the social type.

So your first week back in New York wasn’t exactly terrible. You were still waiting for your orders while getting to know to the city slowly, because after long missions it always took time for you to remember you had a real life there, real memories—

Well, as real as it could be, for a spy.

“Just see it as a vacation,” Chloe had said, “They threw you into another mission as soon as you got out of the country, it’s just a delayed vacation.”

As far as vacations went though, this one just sucked.

Maybe it was because you couldn’t keep away from places you and Bucky had been too, like this coffee place where you had first officially met.

You sipped your coffee, scrolling down on the news website as your eyes skimmed yet another article about Accords and whether you could trust superheroes or not, but you were soon distracted when someone pulled the seat across from you, making you look up from your phone.

And as soon as you did, your heart dropped.

You had to give it to the General, he was manipulative, he was a liar and he had betrayed your trust terribly but the one thing he had done right was training you well. Aside from that one second, you managed to adapt a look of nonchalance on your face, slowly putting your phone down.

“Hello Cap.”

Sam raised his brows and eyed you up and down.

“You’re back?”

You could swear he could hear your heartbeat and you shrugged your shoulders, looking around.

“Yeah,” you said, “Big apple and everything.”

“So much for the small town girl.”

“I have never been a small town girl,” you drawled, “Never been to Oregon either.”

“Yeah, I can tell.”

You turned your coffee cup on the table just so you could do something with your hands.

“Why?” he asked after a beat and you shifted your weight despite your whole training of feeling calm and collected, nervousness hitting you out of nowhere.

“You’re a veteran, Wilson,” you managed to say, “You don’t need me to tell you how the chain of command works. Army doesn’t care how we feel about orders.”

“I’m very familiar with how chain of command works,” he pointed out, “But you’re not a soldier, Y/N. You’re a spy.”

“That makes it even worse,” you stated, “I know it sounds like an excuse, but… you don’t know how my agency works. I don’t get to say no to orders, and I sure as hell don’t get to blow my own cover.”

“But you wanted to, didn’t you?”

Jesus Christ, Wilson was really good at this observation thing.

“Doesn’t matter what I want,” you said, “I’m no use to anyone if I develop a conscience.”

“But you did,” he insisted, “Why else would you come to help us? Why else would you warn him beforehand?”

“He told you about that?”

He shot you a look, “What do you think, Y/N?”

You scoffed a laughter. “I was feeling generous,” you said, “No other reason.”

He kept his gaze on you for a couple of seconds, as if trying to see whether you would cave before he took a deep breath.

“You know he was going to propose, right?”

That-

That was just too much. You could feel your jaw hanging as you stared at him in complete silence, his words echoing in your ears.

“No,” you said after a moment, then shook your head fervently, your nose in the air, “No you’re wrong.”

“I’m not,” Sam said, “Apparently he was looking for this… house painted in white with—a red door or something.”

Don’t cry.

Do not fucking cry.

Spies don’t cry over heartbreak.

You clenched your jaw and blinked back the tears, straightening your back.

“It’s a good thing he didn’t get to, then.”

“Y/N, he loved you.”

“No Sam, he loved someone who doesn’t exist,” you replied, “Sweet small town girl with sundresses and smiles and some house in the suburbs with kids and all that shit. Girls like me don’t get that ending, I have way too much blood on my hands.”

He pressed his lips together and you cleared your throat.

“How much does he hate me?”

“Why do you think he hates you?”

“Assassins aren’t good at forgiving,” you said, “I would know, we don’t have that talent.”

“That’s not a talent, that’s a choice.”

“It really isn’t,” you muttered, “So?”

“Why don’t you ask him?”

You let out a bitter laugh, “Yeah no. Actions have consequences and I’d rather not cross paths with the deadliest assassin in the world after double crossing him.”

“But you want him to forgive you.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Intuition,” he said and pushed his chair back to stand up.

“He didn’t kill your father, Y/N.”

You heaved a sigh.

“I know,” you said, “Trust me, I would’ve walked away so much easier if he had.”

“Enjoy your coffee,” he said and walked out of the coffee house. You threw your head back, closing your eyes.

“Yep. I shouldn’t have come back.”

                                                  ***

“I never thought I’d say this, but I kind of hate that we’re not living so close anymore,” you pressed the phone between your shoulder and your ear and opened the door to your apartment as Keith chuckled.

“I knew you’d miss me.”

“Shut up.”

“You’re a softie deep inside. Very very deep inside.”

“If you repeat that in front of anyone I swear to God…” you muttered and he groaned.

“Have I told you they’re putting me in the same team as Julian?”

“You guys have a new mission?”

“Not a long one probably.”

“Why the fuck am I—“

“Because you’re on a vacation,” he cut you off, “And also they’re probably going to make you a handler, that’s worth waiting for.”

“That or….”

“We’re not talking about that on the phone,” Keith said quickly, “Amateur.”

“Careful there, I’ll outrank you soon enough,” you said, walking to the bathroom to wash your hands. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Alright, see you later!” he said and hung up. You put your phone into your pocket, then washed your hands and made your way to the kitchen.

It was only when you put the wine bottle back into the fridge that you noticed something was off. Your body moved on its own accord, before you knew it you had already grabbed the knife in your boots and threw it to the figure in the dark corner of the room but he easily caught it, metal hitting what sounded like another kind of metal before he stepped out of the corner. Your breath caught in your throat, and for the first time in your life you froze, all the training leaving your mind.

You were supposed to be looking for a weapon, any kind of weapon but somehow, your body refused to move.

Bucky turned your knife in his hands, his gaze pinning you to your spot before he tilted his head.

“Hi honey,” he said, his voice way too cold. “I’m home.”

Chapter 24

[itsapeterthing]

Secrets (Four) || Bucky Barnes

pairing: bucky barnes x reader

summary: when you wake up in the avengers compound after being saved by bucky, sam and nat, you discover that something’s changed.

a/n: thank you for all your feedback!! reblogs and replies are super appreciated!

word count: 2.7k

warnings: arguing, swearing, angst

Prologue, One, Two, Three

masterlist || request || taglist

Opening your eyes, blinking to clear your vision, you were immediately met with ice coating the ceiling above you despite feeling as though you were locked in a sauna.

“What the-”

Sitting up in your bed, you tried to piece together where you were, why you were here and what had just happened, but all you could see was the concrete room you were sat in with nothing but a bright light shining above you and frost coating every inch of the room.

Suddenly the events of the day all came back to you- the men in your house, being kidnapped, being locked in a container to freeze to death... the truth about your husband.

Bucky.

The last thing you remembered were his eyes meeting yours on the other side of the glass.

Despite years of marriage and precious memories, all that flooded your brain were the images of the Winter Soldier- masked and ready to kill. All you could hear were the screams of his victims and those who fled at the sight of him. 

All you could feel was fear.

“You’re awake.” You heard an unfamiliar voice declare.

Snapping your attention towards the door of the room you hadn’t even noticed was there, you recognized the very familiar red-headed Avenger standing in the doorway.

“Wait, you’re.... are you-” You stumbled over your words. “Where am I?”

Carefully stepping into the room, closing the door behind her, Natasha slowly made her way over to your bed.

“You’re at the Avengers Compound.” She informed you. “Do you remember anything?”

You thought then that she might have been glad to learn that you had retained your memory, but you sure wished you hadn’t.

“More than I’d like to.” You said.

Shooting you a sad smile, her gloved hands pulled up the chair next to your bed, seating herself beside you. As she did you finally took in her appearance, noting the large jacket she was wearing, the hood over her head and thick gloves on her hands, meanwhile you felt as though you were soaking in your own sweat.

“God, how are you wearing that?” You asked, pointing at her jacket. “It’s so hot in here.”

Chuckling, she leaned back in her chair.

“Well when you’re ninety degrees, I guess an ice rink would feel a little warm.”

Furrowing your eyebrows, you sat up straighter in your bed.

“Ninety degrees?” You asked. “Shouldn’t I be dead by now?”

“That’s what we all thought.”

Squeezing your eyes shut, you remembered the feeling of the frost hitting your skin when you were enclosed in the container, the sounds of the cold air rushing out of its walls. You were trapped, feeling the biting cold in a way you never had before. So cold that when the frost began to form over the glass, your husband’s eyes meeting yours, all you could feel was the cooling sense of exhaustion wash over you as you closed your eyes and fell into a deep slumber.

“How long have I been out?” You asked.

Just as Natasha was opening her mouth, you heard a voice coming from the other side of the room.

“Two days.”

Your eyes snapping open, you turned your attention immediately to the man in the doorway. When you saw your husband standing in the threshold, you felt your heart begin to race in your chest as you scrambled back against the bed frame.

“You.” You said, swallowing, the word venomous in your mouth.

Hearing the word slip out of your mouth almost as though it were a cruse, Bucky’s eyes widened and he began to feel his heart beat against his chest.

He knew then that the consequence of the secret he had been keeping for years was now staring him back in the face.

“Y/n-” He eased, taking another step forward.

Grabbing the pillow from behind your back, you tossed it at him.

“You lied to me!” You shouted. “You fucking lied to me all these years. I- it’s sick!”

Letting the pillow hit his chest, he began to feel sick.

He had known deep down that someday his past would come back to haunt him. Even deeper down he knew that someday you would discover the truth, but he had hoped to be gone by then, leaving you to hate him once he could no longer feel your wrath. He had shoved down the idea of the look on your face when you found out for years, but now as he stood there, his own nightmares playing out before him, he just wished he had told the truth sooner.

The consequence of losing you and never having you was better than knowing your love and having it tainted with hatred by his own hand.

“Doll,” He said your pet name, his shoulders slouching.

“No!” You shouted, pushing yourself off of the bed. “You don’t get to call me that anymore! God, did ever even feel bad about lying to your own wife?”

He did.

He felt awful every time he made up some lie about his past. He felt awful every time he told you he had no family, no friends. He even felt awful every morning when he lied to you about where he was going off to work every day.

It had been eating away at him for years.

He had told himself that it was for the best, but he realized now that he didn’t do it for you, but entirely for himself. He had been so incredibly selfish and you were now paying for his crimes.

“Of course I did.” Bucky said so low, it was nearly a whisper. “Of course I felt bad, Y/n.”

Before you could reply, you heard another knock on the door, it cracking open slightly.

“Oh thank God.” Natasha said from her seat when she saw Bruce and Sam.

Dropping your hands to your sides, you turned away from your husband, instead focussing your attention on the two Avengers now entering the icy space.

Before anyone could speak, however, the man you recognized as Captain America made his way over to you, reaching his gloved hand out for you to shake.

“It’s nice to meet you, Y/n.” He said, giving you a soft smile. “I’m Sam. I wish we could’ve met under better circumstances, but...”

Glaring at Bucky, you shook Sam’s hand.

“Sam.” You said. “It’s so nice to finally meet you too.”

Your eyes still on your husband, the three others in the room glanced between one another before Bruce cleared his throat.

“Y- you’re probably wondering about the ice in the room,” Bruce said

“You could say that.”

“Well, while you were out for the past couple of days we had some of the best doctors we know examine you,” Bruce explained. “I understand that this may be... difficult... to understand, but this- this ice- it’s-”

“It’s coming out of you.” Sam said finally, finishing Bruce’s sentence for him.

Quirking your eyebrows at the three members of the group of Avengers, you thought for a second before shaking your head, laughing.

“You’re joking, right?” You asked. “You have to be kidding.”

This couldn’t be real. There was no possible way you actually had ice coming out of your body. This wasn’t you. This wasn’t real.

Standing up from her seat, Natasha crossed her arms.

“When you were in cryo, you were in temperatures nobody comes back from.” She said, seriously. “You should be dead right now. No one knows why you’re still here.”

Lifting your hands from your sides to stare at your palms, you attempted to digest the information the three of them had just fed you.

You were alive when every logical answer said you shouldn't have been. You had abilities that no other living person did.

You were supposed to be at home, spending the weekend with your children. You were supposed to wait for your completely honest husband to walk in the doors of your home and kiss him hello.

But now you were standing there, being told that you had changed- transformed. You were different than you were before. You didn’t feel warm and fuzzy, but cold and distraught.

Feeling the anger course through your veins, tears meeting your eyes, you stared at your palms and in a flash, frost burst forth from the center of your hand.

Jumping back, you rapidly closed your hands into a fist, feeling your heart thumping against your chest.

“I understand that this is hard to take in-” Banner attempted.

“I’m... I’m a monster.” You said, staring up at them with wide eyes. “I have ice coming out of my hands!”

Gazing at you from the other side of the room, watching the fear in your eyes behind the tears begging to break free, Bucky felt incredibly guilty.

He had known what you were going through because he had gone through the same himself. He had woken up only to discover that he had become a super  soldier with a metal arm- that he was no longer Bucky Barnes- but someone else- someone different.

He would have never wished the experience on his worst enemy, never mind the woman he cared for most in the world, but you were experiencing it nonetheless. You were in it because of him.

He had told himself that he was trying to protect you, but in the end he had forced you into a life you had never asked for.

He felt his heart shatter in his chest watching you fall apart before everyone.

All he wished was for him to be able to go over to you, to hold you in his arms despite the cold bite of ice that was sure to frost over him as soon as his skin met yours, but he knew he couldn’t. He knew you didn’t want him to.

“Y/n that’s not true.” Sam said. “I know it might feel that way, but you’re still you and Bruce is going to figure out a way for you to control it. I know it seems bad, but you’re going to be okay. You’re a part of our family now. We’ll figure it out, alright?”

Wrapping your arms around yourself, you nodded.

“Okay.”

As much as you were in shock, you trusted the three individuals in front of you. They hadn’t given you a reason not to- they had risked their lives to save you and even now when you felt they owed you nothing, they were working their best to help you.

“I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.” You said. “Really. I think I just need some space right now.”

“I understand.” Sam nodded. “If you need anything, we’ll be right outside.”

Without a word the others followed him as he left the room and you slowly made your way over to your bed, sitting on the edge of it, placing your head in your hands.

“I’m so sorry, Y/n.”

Shaking your head you pulled your face out of your hands.

“What part of ‘I need space’ don’t you understand, Buck?” You asked.

You heard his footsteps slowly cross over the room to you.

“I need to say something-”

Of course he did.

“Oh that’s rich, James!” You scoffed. “Funny how now you have something to say. Funny how you didn’t say anything when we started dating, or got married, or God- had children together.”

“Y/n-”

“It’s just so insane to me how you could go all this time without saying anything.” You continued. “How could you even look yourself in the mirror-”

“Fuck, Y/n, just listen to me!” He shouted, standing in front of your spot on the bed. “I fucked up really bad- I know that. I know I shouldn’t have done it, but can’t you see why I did it? I was so afraid you’d be ashamed of me because of what I am and I thought I was protecting you-”

Feeling the ice beginning to shoot out of your palm, you pushed yourself off of the bed, pointing your finger into your husband’s chest.

“I’m ashamed to have a liar as a husband.” You said, knowing just how much the words stung for him, but you felt nothing but ice flowing through you at the moment in the heat of rage. “How could you think this was protecting us? How could you think keeping the truth from me was protecting our kids? You not only put me in danger but my kids, Buck.”

“They’re my kids too, Y/n.” Bucky said.

“Are they?” You asked. “Because I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

You watched as he stepped back, his back hitting the icy wall behind him. He had known you were angry, he even knew that he deserved every harsh word you were throwing at him, but to hear you dismiss him so entirely- to almost denounce him from your life- made him feel a pain that even his worst days in Hydra or in recovery could never rival.

“I- I mean I don't even know who I am anymore, Buck.” You said throwing your arms in the air. “I mean look at this. Look at this room! Nobody can even touch my hand without gloves or without bundling up like they’re going to the fucking North Pole!”

Backing away from him, you held your face in your hands once again.

“I don’t even recognize myself and I’m all alone.” You said, lowering your voice. “I- I can’t even hug my kids- I can’t see my kids. It’s so hot in this room to me but everything just feels so cold and empty. I just wish you didn’t fucking lie to me because it would be so much easier to not hate you the way I do right now. Looking at you makes me want to scream but, God, I feel so alone.”

Beginning to feel a sob catch in your throat, your head still in your hands and the tears turning to ice when they met your palms, you felt the cool touch of Bucky’s vibranium hand meet your arm. 

Shrugging him off, you shook your head.

“As much as I fucking hate you right now, you can’t touch me, James.” You said. “I’ll just hurt you.”

He knew that. He knew the biting sting of your ice against his skin. He had spent the past two days sitting by your unconscious side and no matter how many times the others told him to keep his gloves on at all times, your touch mattered more. They brought more warmth than any glove could- no matter how cold your hands were.

Seeing you breakdown in front of him, despite all of the harsh words you had thrown at him, he was sure he felt his heart break in his chest. You didn’t deserve this pain. You didn’t deserve this suffering. You didn’t deserve to be alone.

Resting his vibranium hand on your arm once again, the frost slowly creeping up his arm, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Wrapping both of his arms around you, he pulled you into his embrace. Rather than shrugging him off and pulling away, you wrapped your arms tightly around his torso, digging your face into his bundled up chest, sobbing.

Feeling a chill run throughout his body at your touch, he rest his chin on the top of your head, running his frozen vibranium arm up and down your back.

Although he knew that all was not forgiven, and that things would not be the same or even okay for a long time- if at all- all that mattered to him in that moment was that you weren’t alone. No matter the ice that overtook his body when you were in his embrace, the warmth that you brought him would never grow cold.

Going into cyro ten thousand times would be worth just one second of your peace and he would do whatever it took for you to forgive him for his mistakes that you now bore the consequences of.

[oliviajdjarin]

Chapter 8: An Apology

Warnings: depression, suicidal thoughts, references to an incredibly painful past, references to murder, references to torture, lots of crying, references of being shot/stabbed. This is really heavy, so please proceed with caution.

Author’s Note: Thank you to EVERYONE who has shown any support for this! I am very proud of this series and it makes me very happy people are enjoying it 💜

(I cannot remember where I got this gif from, so if it’s yours please let me know so I can credit you!)

After Mando left, you sat in your silent sobs for what felt like hours.

It could have been hours for all you knew. It’s not like you cared anyway.

All you did was sit in your guilt and shame, allowing yourself to digest all you’ve done. You have been pushing this down for so long, and now it feels like there is no stopping it.

A person can only pretend for so long, and you would give anything to just go back in time and reverse it all.

So many faces flash in your memory of people you’ve killed and cheated for the Empire, and it’s an absolute hell. None of these people deserved what they got. None of them. And yet you still did it.

No matter how many excuses you make for how you became a part of the Empire and all the torture they put you through, you still did it. You are still an enemy to the people you held so dear after so little time.

You are a monster.

After a while, you hear Mando’s footsteps entering Kuiil’s house again. You don’t even know where Kuiil is, you honestly forgot he even existed.

Maybe he will forgive me, you think to yourself. We were in a similar situation?

You see Mando’s helmet enter through the doorway and you feel the smallest, tiniest fraction of butterflies you once had for the man returning.

But the butterflies are immediately squashed when you remember you are about to be thrown out. Again.

Just because you handled it once before doesn’t mean you have the strength to go through that now. Especially after everything you’ve done.

You feel his eyes scanning your pathetic, patched up form on the ground, and the storm inside of you starts to rumble again.

Please… please not again.

He sits down on the opposite side of the ship, resting his hands on his knees. He folds his hands, and you swear you hear him take a deep breath.

“She needs to calm down, that’s all,” he says, referring to Cara, and you find some strength to nod. Your eyes are burning and your muscles want to explode from exhaustion. Your mind is keeping you awake, while the rest of your body just wants to sleep.

“I…. I wouldn’t have let her kill you,” he says, and you shut your eyes, feeling the tears start to rise again.

Why, you think to yourself. It would be easier for everyone if I was just dead!

You still somehow keep yourself together, wiping your nose with your sleeve. He can see how much pain you are in, but you were praying he didn’t pity you. You didn’t deserve it. Especially from him.

“I have only heard stories about red lightsabers. They belong to an evil, dark side of the powers that the kid has,” he says, and you nod.

He has to understand. You know he understands. He always has.

“They’re called Sith… right,” he asks, and you finally make eye contact with him.

“Yes,” you croak out. Your voice sounds like you hadn’t talked for a hundred years, but Mando just nodded.

Yes, you think to yourself. I am a Sith.

The fact that Mando knows who and what you are now is the weirdest combination of feeling a weight lifted off your shoulders, but at the same time, one double the weight has been added.

He was talking so gently. Like he didn’t want to rub it in your face.

He has to be doing this so I don’t kill him when he kicks me out, you think.

Why else would he have any respect for me? No one else ever has?

He takes a moment to process, and then he asks, “The Emperor was a Sith… wasn’t he?”

You feel like a sword has been stabbed through you one final time, but you don’t want to make him feel like he’s hurting you, so you just nod slowly.

You have to save your strength for when he asks you to leave. You know he will ask you in that calm, gentle voice that will haunt you forever.

He understands you fought for the Empire. You killed, destroyed, and lied for them. Their blood is forever stained on your hands, and now you got Mando bloodied.

He deserves an explanation, or at least an apology, so you mumble a quiet “um,” signifying you were about to speak.

Even if he doesn’t believe you, he needs to know you didn’t want this. Ever.

“My uh… my parents sold me,” you mumble while sniffling.

You can tell his interest is peaked because his entire body leans forward, silently asking you to continue.

How can he even look at me right now?

You proceed to tell him the story of how your parents were servants to an evil family who never gave them a fair pay. They were incredibly poor, and they had you outside of wedlock, so they were looked down upon even more in their society. They hated you for it. They took any chance they could get to get you away from them.

When the Empire came to your planet looking for recruits, your parents jumped on the offer. They didn’t mind the extra handful of credits that came with it too.

“No matter how much I hated them, they were still my parents,” you say.

“I didn’t want to leave them, so when the stormtroopers went to drag me away, I got so angry. I didn’t know it at the time, but the force channeled through me in my anger. I used all my strength, and sent them all flying through the air,” you say, while laughing uncomfortably at the memory.

Your eyes still burned and your muscles screamed for relief, but you had to keep going. Mando deserved to know the truth.

“That’s the last thing I remember of that day, and the next thing I knew, I was sent into training. I went through countless masters, but none of them could control me. I was just so angry. All the time,” you said with a sigh.

“I would refuse to do what they asked, and even when I did what I was told, I would hurt them instead. I never listened.”

You took a deep breath. This next part was going to hurt.

“They finally realized that I could not be controlled, so they….. tortured me,” you say, trying not to allow the weakness in your voice to show through.

If you got emotional, it was more likely Mando would think you were crazy. You had to keep pushing.

You cleared your throat, and continued.

“They made me do everything, Mando. They made me tear down towns, cities, planets. And if the people didn’t succumb to the Empire’s rule…,” you say, and you can’t even finish the sentence.

“I finally got away years later, and I escaped to Tattooine. They tried to stop me, but it was no use. I could beat any stormtrooper or Imperial guard they threw at me,” you say.

“They hurt me enough to know that I wouldn’t come back…… I hadn’t even come close to helping anyone but myself until I met you,” you say.

You take a deep breath and rub your eyes.

You did it, you think. He knows.

You let him digest your story. He listened intently and respectfully the entire time you were speaking. He never interrupted, he never became angry, he just stared at you and digested it all.

It was quiet for a while, until he stood up.

“The Empire killed my family,” he said, and all your composure went out the window.

You assumed that the Empire hurt him, it has hurt everyone, but this is on another level. It felt like you had been shot again, but this was way more painful. Your heart shattered for him.

You always knew the universe was cruel, but you had done horrific things, so you always thought it was payback. Now you knew the universe was truly cruel.

“I am….. so sorry,” you manage to say through your burning throat. Tears were streaming down your face, but you managed to stay relatively quiet. It’s not like crying for them would bring Mando’s family back.

He moved to you slowly and kneeled down in front of you.

You couldn’t meet his gaze. You just stared at the floor and wiped your eyes. You were hurting him, just like you hurt everyone else. It felt like hell on earth and you were convinced you were the worst person that ever lived.

“You… you don’t have to believe me Mando. I know I hurt so many people, and even if I didn’t want to, I still did what they asked,” you say, trying to fill up the space.

“You can kick me out, kill me. Anything. I just want you to know that I didn’t choose this. I swear on everything I would do anything to be any other person in the whole galaxy.”

You finish and finally meet his gaze, begging him to say something. Anything.

He stands to leave, and you finally accept your fate.

He gets to the doorway, your final hopes of forgiveness leaving with him.

“I believe you,” he mumbles, looking back at you.

“We will talk more tomorrow” he says, and he leaves you.

Tag list:

@leahkenobi @pinkninja200 @bookloverfilmoholic @farfromjustordinary @440mxs-wife

[naalbinder]

phoebe bridgers // elliott smith parallels

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4BEfu6YZ7XbdHFZBXthIpN?si=6bf8fc460eba4d33

E - Riot Coming - “Sat down in jail with this friend of mine/Who'd never close both his eyes/But one was shut all the time/To cover the thing he was scared of”

E - Stupidity Tries “To sail across the sea of trash”

E - Going nowhere - “The old records are sitting on the floor/The ones I can’t put on anymore”

E - Clementine - “Anything to pass the time/And keep that song out of your mind”

P - Smoke Signals - “One of your eyes is always half-shut/Something happened when you were a kid” - “burning trash out on the beach” - “You said that song'll creep you out until you're dead”

E - Miss Misery - (music videos on the same street)

E - Easy way out - “While I watch you making mistakes/I wish you luck I really do” “I heard you found another audience to bore”

E - Looking Over My Shoulder - “Another sick rock ‘n’ roller acting like a dick”

E - Placeholder - “I'm the person you'll never need/The biggest loser on sixteenth street” - “Just like my favourite song/Some pretty words that didn't last that long”

P - Motion Sickness - “I'll be glad that I made it out/And sorry that it all went down like it did” “You said when you met me, you were bored” - “Hey, why do you sing with an English accent?/I guess it's too late to change it now”

E - Some Song - “Help me kill my time cause I'll never be fine”

P - Funeral - “Jesus Christ i'm so blue all the time/And that's just how i feel/Always have and i always will ”

E - Bled White - “Happy and sad come in quick succession/I’m never going to become what you became”

P - Demi Moore - “I got a good feeling/It doesn't happen very often”

E - St Ides Heaven - “With an open container from 7/11”

E - A Fond Farewell - “A fond farewell to a friend”

P - Scott Street - “With an open heart, open container” - “Anyway, don’t be a stranger / don’t be a stranger”

E - Last Call - “And I think I’m all done, you can switch me off safely/While i’m lying here for sleep to overtake me”

E - Roman Candle - “I’m a roman candle/My head is full of flames ”

P - Killer - “But when I’m sick and tired/And when my mind is barely there/When a machine keeps me alive/And I’m losing all my hair/I hope you kiss my rotten head/And pull the plug” - “Tame the fire in you”

E - Georgia Georgia

P - Georgia - “Georgia, Georgia, I love your son”

E - Twilight - “That you are already somebody’s baby”

E - See you later - “Made out of a night train”

E - King’s Crossing - “Instruments shine on a silver tray”

P - Chelsea - “You are somebody’s baby” - “For a chemical imbalance/You sure know how to ride a train” - “With a needle on a tray”

E - Christian Brothers - “No bad dream fucker's gonna boss me around/Christian brothers gonna take him down”

P - Would you rather - “Quarantined in a bad dream/He's half the man and you're twice as tall”

E - Son of Sam - “Son of Sam, son of a doctors love a nurses touch/Acting under orders from above”

P - You Missed My Heart - “A feeling of relief came over my soul/I couldn't take it any longer, and I lost control”

E - Bye - (instrumental)

E - New Monkey (Instrumental)

P - DVD Menu - (instrumental)

E - Coming up roses - “And you're coming up roses everywhere you go/Red roses follow”

E - Rose Parade - “Said, Won't you follow me down to the Rose Parade?”

P - Garden Song “They're gluing roses on a flatbed/You should see it, I mean thousands”

E - Condor Ave - “I don’t know what to do with your clothes or your letters”

E - Baby Britain - “Fights problems with bigger problems/Sees the ocean fall and rise/Counts the waves that somehow didn’t hit her/Water pouring from her eyes/Alcoholic and very bitter”

E - Say Yes - “I'm in love with the world/Through the eyes of a girl/Who's still around the morning after”

E - Seen How Things Are Hard - “You just didn't care/You were off getting drunk instead”

E - The Biggest Lie - "Oh, I just told the biggest lie/ I just told the biggest lie/The biggest lie"

P - Kyoto - “And you wrote me a letter/But I don't have to read it” - “I wanted to see the world/Then I flew over the ocean/And I changed my mind” - “I wanted to see the world/Through your eyes until it happened/Then I changed my mind” - “I'm gonna kill you/If you don't beat me to it” - "Guess I lied/I'm a liar/Who lies/'Cause I'm a liar"

E - Memory Lane - “Your little house on memory lane ”

E - Angel in the Snow - “Angel in the snow/all crushed out on the way you are”

E - Last Call - “And I wanted her to tell me that she would never wake me”

E - New Monkey - “For the millions of fans ignoring the bands”

E - Waltz #2 - “I'm never gonna know you now/But I'm gonna love you anyhow”

E - Amity - “I'm a neon sign and I stay open all the time”

P - Punisher - “The house where you lived with Snow White” - “But never not sweet to the trust funds and punishers” - “What if I told you/I feel like I know you?/But we never met” - “The drugstores are open all night/The only real reason I moved to the east side”

E - Some Song - “Yeah it's halloween tonight and every night”

E - Pitseleh - “I got a joke I've been dying to tell you/A silent kid is looking down the barrel/To make the noise that I kept so quiet”

P - Halloween - “Baby, it's Halloween” - “I hate living by the hospital/The sirens go all night/I used to joke that if they woke you up/Somebody better be dying”

E - Shooting Star - “So bad, so far/You made me sad/Shooting star/You're distant and cold/And a sight to behold/Everybody just sighs”

E - Satellite - “When they call it a lover's moon, the satellite/'Cause it acts just like lovers do, the satellite/A burned-out world you know/Staying up all night/The satellite”

E - Everything Reminds Me of Her - “Why are you staring into outer space, crying?/Just because you came across it and lost it”

P - Chinese Satellite - “Took a tour to see the stars/But they weren't out tonight/So I wished hard on a Chinese satellite” - “Sometimes, when I can't sleep/It's just a matter of time before I'm hearing things” b- “Instead, I look at the sky and I feel nothing/You know I hate to be alone/I want to be wrong”

E - Coast to Coast - “Still you're keeping me around/'Til I finally drag us both down (Gonna drag us both down)”

E - Little one - “The moonlight tonight/Seems to belong to me” - “One more/Little one, I love you”

E - Coming up Roses - “The moon is a sickle cell/It'll kill you in time” “While the moon does its division/You're buried below”

E - Everything Means Nothing to Me - “At attention, looking backward in a pool of water/Wishes with a blue songbird on his shoulder/Who keeps singing over everything”

E - Pretty Mary K (Other Version) - “oh Mary K, I can see your face/down there in the waves, painted and erased/but I know it's just a reflection of the moon”

P - Moon song - (52) “You asked to walk me home/But I had to carry you” - (53) “And if I could give you the moon/I would give you the moon” - (54) “You are sick and you're married/And you might be dying” - (55/56) “And you pushed me in/And now my feet can't touch the bottom of you” “But you're holding me like water in your hands/When you saw the dead little bird”

E - New Disaster - “Everybody is the same in this long no-win game/Where every new blood/Gets time to become resigned” - “Until everyone knows that your smile is just a ghost/The ghost of your smile was seen on a body in the park”

P - Savior Complex - “Baby, you're a vampire/You want blood and I promised” - “All the bad dreams that you hide/Show me yours, I'll show you mine”

E - Oh well, Ok - “If you get a feeling next time you see me/Do me a favor and let me know/Cause it's hard to tell, it's hard to say 'oh well, Ok'”

E - Last Call - “You're a tongueless talker/You don't care what you say”

E - Angel in the Snow - “Only a cold still life/ that fell down here to lay beside you”

P - ICU - (58) “But I feel something when I see you now/I feel something when I see you” - (59) “I hate your mom/I hate it when she opens her mouth/It's amazing to me/How much you can say/When you don't know what you're talking about” - “laying down on the lawn” “if you’re a work of art/I’m standing too close/I can see the brush strokes”

E - Happiness / The Gondola Man - “What I used to be/Will pass away and then you'll see/That all I want now/Is happiness for you and me”

E - Whatever (Folk Song in C) - “Whatever you're doing now would probably suit me fine/If you're all done, like you said you'd be/What are you doing hanging out with me?”

E - Big Ballad of Nothing - “You can do what you want to whenever you want to/You can do what you want to there's no one to stop you”

P - Graceland too - “Said she knows she lived through it to get to this moment” - “Whatever she wants (Whatever you want)”

E - Bottle up and Explode “Bottle up and go/I can make it outside”

E - A Distorted Reality is Now a Necessity to be Free - “God knows why my country don't give a fuck” - “Shine on me baby, because it's raining in my heart”

E - Alphabet Town - “Alphabet City is haunted”

P - I Know The End - “There's no place like my room” - “To some America First rap country song” “Driving out into the sun/Let the ultraviolet cover me up”- “I'll find a new place to be from/A haunted house with a picket fence”

[novelconcepts]

Prompt: Jamie is the one who finds Dani locked in the closet. Dani is still having a panic attack and Jamie helps her.

Time slips away when you're out of your head, Dani has found. It moves so much faster--so much slower--so much less correctly with blood pumping at a dizzying rate. With black spots marring her vision. With her breath caught, tangled in a fisherman's net of sharp inhale, hold, hold, bare exhale, she can't think. There are tears dewed on her eyelashes, and fingers folded into shaking fists, and she is little more than the repetition of her own weight meeting the door--again--again--again--

It's open, she realizes, and wonders how long it has been open. Not long, certainly. Not with how forcefully she's been hurling herself against unyielding lumber. Certainly, she would have--

Well. Tumbled out as she is now, a horrible muddling of limbs and purple sweater and mascara scraped down her cheeks. The breath she has been clawing for still won't quite come, not even with the door hanging open and the soft light of Flora's bedroom pouring inside.

Not even with strong hands catching her by the shoulders, a voice speaking low and smooth into the silence left in the wake of her screams.

"Hey. Hey, now. Hey, you're out, you're all good."

She blinks once. Twice. The world as painted by hysteria is neatly bisected, right down the middle. On one side: the mirror, his solemn face, the horror of being locked in with him. On the other: butterflies on the walls, a dollhouse in the corner, cool air rushing against her flushed skin.

Dark curls. Bright eyes. The gardener from lunch, the one with whom Dani still hasn't held a real conversation.

Jamie.

"What," she tries to say--what are you doing here, you left hours ago, you shouldn't be here--and can't get any further. What, echoing between them, strangled on the end of a sharp inhalation that refuses to fill her up. Her throat is closing. There is a boulder lodged against her windpipe, another sinking down against her chest. She is, she realizes, folding her hands together so hard, her knuckles stand stark against the front of Jamie's overalls.

"Kids," Jamie says--a one-word question. The panic swells higher as Dani realizes she does not know. They were there, turning the key. They were shouting through the door. And then...then...

"Don't know," she wheezes. "Don't know--I--"

Jamie grits her teeth. Her eyes dart back toward the door, her body still tilted entirely toward Dani. "You all right if I...?"

Dani nods, a rapid bird-flutter of a gesture that sends her sour stomach heaving. She gropes backward for Flora's bed, sinking onto the edge of the mattress. Jamie watches her with an expression she can't quite read, her jaw lifted, her shoulders set.

"Back in a sec. Promise."

Dani shuts her eyes, scrounging for breath, listening to the steady thud of boots striding out of the room. Her fingers sink into Flora’s bedspread, her elbows pressed to her knees as she struggles to keep from folding completely in half. Who will that help? She's out. She’s out, and there’s plenty of air out here, and she’s--

Hands, gently brushing her arms. She peels her eyes open, hating how swollen they already feel, hating that faint whistle at the back of her throat that says her lungs still aren’t quite doing their job. Jamie is kneeling on the floor, looking at her with absolutely none of the tight unease from lunch. Her expression is surprisingly warm, though creased with concern, and her hands do not fall away from Dani’s arms. 

“Found ‘em,” she says. “They’re fine. What happened?”

Dani draws as deep a breath as she can manage, unseeing eyes rooted to the front of Jamie’s shirt beneath her scuffed overalls. The neat rectangle of navy cotton swells out--in--out with Jamie’s entirely-stable breaths. She finds herself blankly trying to mimic the beats, relieved and embarrassed in equal measure when Jamie seems to realize what’s happening and begins breathing with intent. In. Hold. Out. Hold. Again, again, until Dani’s heart finally catches up with her brain. 

“Better?” Jamie asks. Dani, uncertain how much time has slipped away with this woman holding her by the elbows, setting a pace for slow, even breaths, nods. “Right. Good. Now: what happened?”

A flash of movement tugs at her attention, pulling her eyes to a point over Jamie’s shoulder. Miles and Flora, leaning against the doorframe, their faces ashen. She swallows hard. 

“We’re sorry,” Flora says quickly.

“It got stuck,” Miles adds. There is a furtive look to his eyes that says even he does not expect her to believe this. Dani swallows again.

“Bed.”

There are more words in her--big, angry, panic-throttled words--but she wouldn’t let them fly even if Jamie weren’t here. That isn’t how you deal with kids. That isn't how you deal with traumatized orphans. 

Not even when they pull stunts like this. 

“Honest,” Miles starts to say. She closes her eyes, scrubs her hands over her face. Her palms are hot, her newly-caught breath stuffy. She wants to stay in the cupped enclosure of her own hands forever. 

Flora makes a tiny hiccuping noise, the precursor to tears. Jamie’s hand flexes around her arm. Dani bites her tongue until the throb of pain cuts through the memory of his glasses, his glasses in the mirror, I was in there with him alone.

“We,” she says in as level a voice she can muster, “will talk about this in the morning.”

Jamie is looking at her, she realizes. Jamie, leaning back into a crouch, is watching her with the wary concern of one waiting to see if a rabbit will escape a snare unscathed. Dani gives her a very small nod--I’m okay--and she pushes to her feet, claps her hands, turns on her heel.

“Right. You heard her. Bed.”

Dani removes herself from Flora’s bed, still shaking even as she tucks the tiny girl under the covers. Jamie stands back, almost to the door, watching the proceedings as if half-believing she’ll have to take over at some point. 

No, thinks Dani with hot embarrassment. This is her job, not Jamie’s. Jamie even being here is more than her job description. Even still floundering at the end of a panic attack, Dani can do this much.

“I really am sorry,” Miles mumbles, blankets pulled up to his chin. Dani searches his face. Not a single beat of a lie there now; he looks perfectly miserable, his cheeks bright with shame. She exhales, hoping her voice will hold. 

It does. Barely. “Get some sleep. We’ll discuss it tomorrow.”

He rolls over, face mashed against the pillow. Dani drags in an unsteady breath, holds it as she closes in on the door, the light switch, the hallway. 

“All right?” Jamie asks again when the doors have been closed and the children tucked away. Dani presses her face to her hands, groaning. 

“Yeah. Yes. I’m sorry, that was--”

“Sorry?” Jamie repeats blankly. “What’ve you got to be sorry about? Didn’t lock yourself in there, I’d wager.”

No. No, she hadn’t. And tomorrow, she’ll have to pull herself together better than this--locate the mask of the Polished Au Pair, who is good with even the most difficult of children, who doesn’t scream herself hoarse and bruise up her shoulder trying to get away from memories held behind glass--

“What are you doing here, anyway?” Her voice is brittle, the words edged. Jamie only looks at her steadily, hands in her pockets, not taking so much as a step back. 

“Left my flat key. Ring broke this afternoon--must’ve skidded under something out in the greenhouse. I was going to check when I heard the, ah. The...” She trails off, looking almost embarrassed for the first time--embarrassed not for herself, but for Dani, who had indeed been scraping her throat raw with shrieks. Dani grits her teeth. 

“I have a--”

She’s not sure what she’s going to say next; a condition? A phobia? The absolutely horrific poor fortune to be haunted by her ex-fiance in every reflective surface? Jamie holds up a hand. 

“Doesn’t matter,” she says. “Not unless you want to talk it over. Do you?”

Dani shakes her head. Truth be told, she’s wrung out--her head is pounding, her hands numb from being squeezed into such uncompromising fists. Jamie looks unsurprised. 

“Then it’s your own,” she says easily. “You share it on your time. Christ, Poppins, think it’s the first time kids have reduced a grown woman to tears?”

There’s plenty to unpack here--Jamie’s kindness, in letting it slide; Jamie’s careless phrasing, as though she expects minor doses of aggression from perfectly well-mannered children every day; Jamie’s expression, even, holding firm on Dani as though she’s the only real thing in this house. Dani finds herself landing on something else entirely.

“Is that...mud?”

There are, she sees now, footprints. Wrapping down the hall, leading down the staircase, all the way to the front door. She frowns, following them at a slow clip, her legs still trembling. Jamie follows. 

“Wasn’t me,” she says, as if Dani holds accusations on her tongue. “Hannah says this happens sometimes. Maybe one of the beasts taking the piss?”

“Maybe.” The prints are larger than either child could make on their own, Dani thinks with a plummeting sense of alarm. Large, and staggered, and odd. Still. Kids. Jamie’s probably right--it’s likely just a prank. A silly trick to test the new au pair’s mettle. 

She turns her head, surprised to find Jamie still looking at her. “I’m sorry. Did you need help finding your key?”

Jamie shrugs. “Nah. I know the way. And if it’s not where I figure, I’ll just post up on the couch for the night. Hannah won’t mind.”

Dani smiles faintly. “There are so many bedrooms, I’m sure you could--”

Jamie flaps a hand. “Don’t like sleeping in beds that don’t belong to me. Couch’ll suit me fine. Anyway, maybe I won’t need it. Night might have a little good luck left in it yet.”

“You’re sure you don’t want to...” God, she’s so tired. What is this impulse to play hostess, even with her bones twisted to exhaustion and a thunderstorm ringing in her head? “I mean, you could...stay. I could get you a drink?”

Jamie smiles. It’s the first true smile Dani’s seen on her lips since flicking water on the kids at lunch, and it doesn’t just light up her face--it revolutionizes her entire body. All at once, Dani remembers how she’d felt watching this woman stroll into the kitchen this afternoon: like a song she’s been humming under her breath for a lifetime. 

Heat twists up her neck. She clears her throat. 

“I think,” Jamie says gently, “I should let you get to bed. Tomorrow, maybe. If you’re up to it.”

She leaves the rest of the offer unspoken--tomorrow, maybe you can tell me what really happened--and Dani understands, somehow, that if it never comes up again, Jamie won’t mind. Jamie doesn’t seem the sort of woman who is rocked by much.

“Thank you,” she says, walking to the front door, leaning awkwardly against the enormous slab of wood as Jamie steps outside. “For--anyway. Thank you.”

“Anytime,” Jamie says, and though this woman had frowned at her this afternoon, wariness cutting grooves through her dirt-smudged face, she is nothing but warm now. Warm and more than a little bit beautiful, with moonlight scudding off her hair. 

It’s been too long a night for that, Dani warns herself. Too long a life for that, probably. Certainly nothing she’s prepared to deal with right now. 

“One more thing,” she adds, unable to help herself, even as Jamie crunches over gravel with hands swinging loosely at her sides. Jamie doesn’t quite stop, only turns at the waist with an inquisitive eyebrow raised. Dani smiles weakly.

“Poppins?”

“Yeah,” Jamie says, and Dani is so tired. So tired, she must be imagining the light tinge of pink around the woman’s cheeks. “You know. Julie Andrews.”

“Sure,” says Dani, who can’t think of a single actress she less embodies in this moment. “Right. Of course.”

She can’t help grinning a little, falling into bed a few minutes later--still in sweat-damp clothes, her boots barely kicked to the floor--with the scorching awareness that the surly gardener has just given her a nickname. Possibly because she doesn’t actually know Dani’s real name, sure--but a nickname, all the same. A nickname, and a warm smile, and the impression of long fingers wrapped gently around her arm. 

Tomorrow, she’ll handle the kids. Put her foot down. They need to know, right off the bat, that she won’t stand for this sort of thing. She needs to know it, to prove to herself she can still do this, just as she’d insisted to Henry Wingrave. Tomorrow, she’ll talk to them the right way--steady, calm, no accusation in her tone--and give them a suitable punishment. 

Tomorrow. 

Tonight, Jamie’s shining eyes, slouched shoulders, accent curled around Poppins almost let her forget the horror of being locked in with a ghost.

[insomniac-dot-ink]

Is it wrong to lie to children?

A personal essay on reconciling with a shitty childhood and the question: is it wrong to lie to children?

It’s perplexing to have a shitty “unorthodox” childhood because initially I tried to throw out everything about It. Toss out the plumping and the rafters and the roofing, dispense of every single part of my upbringing I could get my hands on and not look back. Naturally, this approach didn’t work. It wasn’t even a real possibility. You’re still haunted by it, a ghost in the bones of a house, a foundation that remains long after the builders have left. That’s part of recovery too, to look at that ghost, to look at those bones, and keep saying: I see you, I see. I let you in. You sit with it and accept, accept, accept.

The really terrible part of this, the part where I don’t throw away the baby with the bathwater, is that you then have to raise the thing, deal with it. You have to do the hard work of parsing through the endless bits of self and placing them in “keep” piles and “discard” piles. I want to keep my mother’s kindness. I want to keep my father’s sense of humor. I want to discard the isolation. I want to discard the delusions.

But then there are these weird . . . “I don’t know” things. The things I am unsure if they helped me or hurt me. As I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten more and more of those “I don’t know” categories piling up. I’ve worked my way through most of the more obvious ones and now it’s all grey and mushy and as cloudy as a London winter. Recently, more than anything, I’ve been grappling with the fact my mother believed it was wrong to lie to children. She believed, in her flower-child way, that it was unethical in all forms.

I never believed in Santa Claus. I’m sorry to say I was a pretty obnoxious kid too because I would preach on the playground about how there was no Santa and there had never been any Santa. Which was a bit harsh, but in my defense I was under the impression these people were suffering from some sort of collective mass delusion. They were being lied to. And lying was wrong.

Is it wrong to lie to children?

I’ve known about sex since I was around 5 years old. I don’t remember why I asked, but it was something about where babies come from and so on. Most parents talk about a stork or love or some other abstract side-step. My mother described the anatomy to me and showed me a scientific diagram of the process. She told me that a sperm meets an egg and fertilizes it so the baby can grow. I learned most of this in scientific terms and was surprised when none of my middle school friends knew how a penis worked.

Is it wrong to lie to children?

When I was 9 or so our cat was eaten by a coyote. I asked my mom where he went and she said that he accidently got out the night before. She said they looked for him all morning, but it was too late. She didn’t use the word “gone” or “passed on” or “he’s in a better place now.”

She said he was dead. I said oh. She asked if I wanted to see him. I said yes. For the record, I am not actually sure if 9 year-olds should see corpses. That is neither here nor there. It was something that stuck with me though, the body of my cat with his tummy ripped out. I had never seen intestines before. His eyes were open.

But there was something cathartic about digging the grave. About helping pick up his little stiff body by the feet and placing him inside. There was something about piling on the red dirt as the sun set and letting the tears fall.

People on sitcoms hate talking about death. It’s understandable, it’s not funny, it makes for good dramatic irony when the kid asks “Where’s Socks?” and the parents go “Uuuuuh. He ran away.” I’ve never felt more alienated at those points. My cat died. He was eaten. I saw his body, and I buried it. Sometimes I think I wouldn’t want to be told he ran away-- that he had a choice in whether or not he left me.

Is it wrong to lie to children?

For a long time I thought the entirety of my childhood was wrong and bad, because I was miserable and broken at the end of it. I will assure you, my parents fucked up time and time again. But sometimes I have to stop and keep asking: Was this the wrong part? Was this the part where they fucked up? Was any part of this valuable? It’s a hard process to comb through an entire life and decide which bits are worth keeping, and if there are any silver linings.

So here is one: I am an honest person. I am a crooked person too, unsure of where to place my feet in social situations, picking my way through others normalcy. I do not readily share information, I am not forthcoming, and it’s a slow burn for me to open up about anything.

However, I notice time and time again that strangers will share personal things with me. I don’t mean for it to happen, but there’s just this pattern in my life. I once went on a car ride with a girl I barely know from my debate team. She described how she wanted to lose her virginity, she wanted it, but was scared God would be angry. That she’d be dirty afterwards. I told her that that was impossible, sex was just an act, it had no eyes, it had no priestly robes, or bearing on her soul. She cried. She said she hadn’t told me anyone this before.

I had a friend in high school who was struggling with an eating disorder, people had tried to get her to talk about it before, but I was the first person she admitted it to. In the hallway, sitting, just discussing nothing, and out it comes: I’m scared to eat sometimes. I was on a city bus and an old woman struck up a conversation with me. Over an hour or so, and she ended up telling me her fears for her own daughter going away to college. Her fear of growing old and passing on. Her problems with sleeping as she lay awake and dreaded it.

People have told me about their problems with substance abuse, their struggles with sexuality, and childhood trauma. People spill to me and I sit there thinking: Why? Sometimes I think it’s my gender or just how people are, but it always feels like I’m missing some part of the picture. Why do people open up to me, unprompted, all at once? Why me?

Is it wrong to lie to children?

Recently, I was reading a memoir set in 2001 where two young kids ask the narrator, their mother, about 9/11. They asked what happened to the people on television who were jumping off the building. Where did they go? The mother says this: They were caught. There are people-catchers that flew and saved them. Everyone is okay.

This story was meant to be heartfelt and lyrical, relatable. It ended like this: It is the job of mothers to offer gentle lies.

I had to stop reading because I was suddenly lost in a white-hot rage, unexpected, knee-jerk. How could she do that? I found myself frothing. They trusted her with answers and she lied. How could she? I knew it was irrational. It was silly even. This was a sweet story. It was meant to be heart-warming and framed in a way that suggested this is what all mothers do. This was what they needed to do. 

I felt my own mother, pumping through my veins, furious that these elementary school students were being betrayed. I stopped myself of course, I knew it wasn’t reasonable. I wasn’t raised “correctly.” I had no legs to stand on.

But still, is it alright to lie to children?

I am once again faced with that unending dilemma: how to throw-out those parts of myself that don’t work and keep the ones that do. It’s difficult to say, because in some ways I agree with my mom. How can I not? But death is cruel. Sex is weird. Santa Claus is a beautiful lie.

And what’s wrong with lying? I still don’t know. What’s wrong with letting them never hurt? Never knowing the pain or gross parts of the world? What’s the harm in letting them make-believe?

But sometimes I think about all those people who have cried to me. All these unprompted confessions come with an unspoken plea: I hurt. I am afraid. I am so scared. It’s all so heavy, these painful truths.

And some part of me stands there, the part my mother raised and says: there is nothing in this life that is too shameful. There is nothing in this world that is unnatural. There is nothing in this life to lie about, even to children.

Is death too painful? Is sex too gross? Would you tell an adult that a man lives in the North Pole and watches them?

I asked my mom, years later, when I was less furious and able to talk with her again without screaming, about why she believed all this. She had told me about it since I was very young, but I never asked why. She shrugged. She said: children are people, aren’t they?

I still don’t know what to do with this.

Children are people, but they are not adults. They shouldn’t be exposed to “adult” things, right? But is that line so concrete? Is the word “adult” just a mask for the greater word, the one we really mean? We all agree: honesty is good. Lying hurts. But it’s alright to lie to kids, because in many ways they aren’t people yet, they aren’t people yet, they don’t count.

I am admittedly an argumentative person. I was on the debate team, mock trial, United Nations, I studied political science in college and fought with every single one of my professors I thought was wrong. And I stood in that playground, age 6, and told every single one of my classmates Santa wasn’t real and I wouldn’t stop. The truth was important. And my mother, no matter what, thought I disserved it.

I often felt tiny and powerless as a kid. Terrified and holding myself together by shoestrings. I often felt there would be nothing better in the world than to be grown up. Not for the money or the dating or the job, I just wanted to feel like the hurricane would end. That one day I could stand on solid ground again. My friend often says: I wish I could be a kid again, ya know? No responsibilities. Just bliss. I want to be a kid again.

I can’t relate. I never have. I’ve been busy weeding through the pipes and lighting and the carpentry of my upbringing and asking myself: is any of this worth keeping? Is any part of me built correctly? There are no right answers.

But still, I am haunted. I sit and ask myself in circles: is it alright to lie to children?

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