#lmao why am i even venting
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bro istg I'm getting way too stressed
#I'm hungry but i have to finish this stupid shit#i also found out that poor mental health can affect your studies. huh.#but ofc if i tell that to ANYONE#and i mean anyone#they'll just say I'm lazy#yes cause. trying to hold back tears in class and wanting to go home so bad that you can't breathe anymore cause you feel absolutely stupid#that you can't understand anything is being lazy#man I'm so tired#all of my friends are being such delusional fuckheads#and the only person who i thought was the only one who cared about me and my identity and how i felt iS FUCKING IGNORING ME#and doesn't even bother to call me by my name anymore#and it's like I'm 10 years old again seeing two of my best friends leaving me out in everything#and me being the third wheel#lmao why am i even venting#tw vent
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Why am I not good at anything I do :(
#not to vent on main but man. everything i do is terrible#my art fucking sucks i cringe whenever i even see it#i should just give up already lmao ive been drawing for years n my art still looks like it's drawn by a kid#my artstyle fucking suuuckkks it's so unoriginal n doesnt look good at all#my fanfics r so awful too. the writing style is so choppy n uninspired#rereading them again n holyshit i hate them so much??#i wanna delete all my art n fanfics from every social media i posted them in#i hate everything i make#tryibg to learn a new skill rn too n i think i just gave up on it cuz it's too hard#why am i like this#i should just stop creating#whats the point if im never gonna be good enough#i havent drawn anything in so long. i dont even enjoy drawing anymore cuz nothing i make is good#i hate myself
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Spirit animal SQH
#svsss#shang qinghua#but mainly I'm just here to vague post LMAO I don't like to vague post its not very effective in terms of venting but#but basically I guess I'm becoming hyperaware of my like... cognitive dissonance codependency and derealization ee#also my general laziness ig and where it overlaps into executive dysfunction or whatever like I may genuinely have some issues but#I am also a lazy son of a bitch jfjfkgkg and i need to figure out how to figure it out so I can work on both in more effective ways hhggg#oh yeah but basically the thing to remember for later is the silence in the call and the immediate unmute and chat activity once I left#I should remember this and stop interacting I think? I should try to give em space I think I'm being too clingy or something#or maybe my own silence is too awkward and dampens the call? I was kinda just spacing out and not doing anything so I get its kinda weird#LMAO so I should just like try not to be in call for those times mm#I just like being in call with my friends jdhfkg but I suppose its not very good either#I overindulge I suppose another friend pointed it out to me before too haha but fjfjjt its just easier than facing bouts of dread by myself#eehh and that's why I gotta do something about my Metnal Ailneses hfjfj but ngl I don't really know how to go about it...#I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up#I suppose I also have commitment issues too but that ones not new which is an issue of itself aaaaaaaa#man idk idk I just don't really get it I guess djdjfjf and I've got existential dreads and think maybe it doesn't really matter whats wrong#cause there's no point to fixing them because ultimately I'm gonna die alone and a failure anyways? so like ehfjgkg idk#its depressing and I know its like sabotage cause my brain is being a little silly a little goofy and its not a shared sentiment#with the better half of me and the entirety of my friends but yknow its just ee harder sometimes to believe in the optimism ig#and i can talk about it somewhat normally and without like having a ✨️break down#but yknow djfjgkg I'm very emotional a person ya? I think sqh is relatable for gods sake 💀#irrationality sentimentality nihilism and existential dreads... wanting to die because living is too hard despite all my hopes for living...#just the ol regulars yknow?#and another thing... do I talk to my friends about these things? I vent them out here a lot but what do I really want?#I'm not strong enough to keep it to myself clearly but I'm also too proud to share these thoughts? I dump them out in the open and for what?#whenever someone reaches out with concern and care I don't respond in kind and refuse to elaborate?#so like what do I want with this? I guess I want someone to know I'm going insane half the time I'm awake? but not do anything about it?#that's pretty unfair I guess... and stupid I think I do want to share my thoughts with someone but I'm too scared of the ramifications#and that my pride can't stand the fact I might be looked differently by my friends even tho the image they have of me is already quite silly#man.... idk.... I'll come to conclusions myself and do nothing about them so I guess that'll happen again aah idk idk idk
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ouuuughhh my birthday is in 3 days yaaaaaayayyynghhhh why was I cursed with having birthday depression school anxiety and seasonal depression (I get it in summer for some reason) all in the same month……………
#im fine………..soooo fine#srsly tho I am for the most part doing ok lol#I made this image earlier when I was particularly stressed out lmao#but your ol pal hana bobo finch will push through this dreaded month#if I can just turn my brain off most of the time it’ll be smooth sailing#vent post#not a pikmin post#< technically it is but I use that tag in personal posts so ppl can block them#the passage of time scares me ahahah#things are going too fast I can’t keep up. I’m gonna have RESPONSIBILITIES soon enough#oughhh why csnt I just enjoy my teenage years without worrying about the future#wtf am I even supposed to do for the next like. 60 70ish years.#ughhhh idk I’ll feel better after some sleep#oof I realize how much I’ve been yapping whoops this is social media not a journal
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anyway in an absolutely wild turn of events I think I’m free of my hideous job and like. substantially richer for it??? lmao 2023 you really owed me
#ok so this a lot of personal shit but I’m just gonna incredulously vent into the tags#like I don’t even know how to describe what 2023 in this job has been like lol#since April they’ve been insulting and scrutinising and scapegoating me over absolutely everything#they were really angling for just firing me outright for never measuring up to their constantly shifting and increasingly bizarre goalposts#and it got so personal man they kept insisting that it wasn’t but my god#then my dad gets sick and it suddenly becomes awkward for them to keep insulting and overworking me#so they switch to just ignoring me entirely so they don’t have to reckon w what me and my family are going through#like they never ask how he is or how things are going just every Friday they say hey do you reckon you can take more work on again?#and THEN I get a gut infection and suddenly im being guilt tripped for taking sick leave and pestered for evidence#it was giving like ‘we had to give you time off for your dad but now you’re taking the piss’#to the point I DID reach out to a third party at the company and was like ‘I’m sorry but why the fuck are they treating me like this’#and she was like ‘confidentially this is disgusting and I advise you to report it’#WHEN SUDDENLY I get back from sick leave and it’s like ‘the business is falling short so we have to make some redundancies….’#and now they’ve had to pay me a SUBSTANTIAL sum to fuck off!!! I think I win???#like I was so close to quitting but thank god I didn’t because now I’m getting a sweet deal to fuck off with no notice lmao#i leave end of the month#at first I was shocked like y’all really doing this now??? but suddenly I’m like. this is the best possible thing that could’ve happened#I spoke to that third party again and she was like ‘I am so happy for you’ like omfg it was a curveball but we’ll take it!!!#I’m fucking outta here and in due course I WILL be writing on glassdoor how fucked they are
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#i'm having that one in half a year feeling of deleting from everything and dissapearing into the void#but what makes me more sad is no one would notice nor care#i really wish i was more social but my rsd and my anxiety made me too secluded even on here#don't know why am i even bothering writing this lmao#i just needed to vent i guess#tbd
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hm
thinking of my blorbos but not in a "i love you you love me all is well" way but a "i love you hope you kill me" way lol
#cylas vents#negativity#negative#death wish#lmao#bitches be like '[potentially concerning thing]' and then add 'lol' as if it's funny or a joke lmao#like i mean technically it's not but then again it is bc it's me. like yeah don't worry don't take this seriously don't mind me ok#it doesn't really matter anyway kk. or maybe it's more like I'm the joke.#like idk the thought that like most of my f/os would probably kill me on sight should be less comforting than it is i guess#imagine casually making posts like this and still being like 'ok but maybe im not actually mentally ill maybe im faking maybe im lying to#myself maybe im making excuses maybe im imagining things maybe im just lazy' etc etc#none of the antidepressants since fluoxetine decided it's over have done shit and even my psychiatrist now is always like 'hm. so do you#want to keep trying other things' and like yeah what else can i do? therapy didnt do anything for this specific issue and the tagesklinik#lady didnt really seem to get my issue (well her suggestions for like therapy groups or whatever were more about socialising or whatever#like ??? girl that's really not the main problem here lmao but she also did have a point about how i would have to actually go there every#day etc but like#what else am i supposed to do#hi i am always tired and sometimes struggle to even get out of bed and thats why i worry about getting a job or something bc it could become#too much or whatever but like unfortunately thats kind of a requirement for everything lmao#when psychiatrist asks what i want/expect or whatever i am internally like 'a magic pill that just fixes everything and makes me a normal#functional human being' but like that's just not A Thing (tm)#so. like. what else am i supposed to do.#i don't want to be like this forever#idk how to tag lmai#using stuff like#tw suicidality#tw suicidal#tw suicidal ideation#just feels so over the top and like i dont have the right to use them lol
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I went to my friends birthday party yesterday, and bought her two very expensive gifts. She just asked me to pay her back €8 for a beer. I don't want any drama so I'm just gonna do it but jesus
#the nerve!!!#I guess it's just a difference in how u look at it because I never ask anyone to pay me back for anything under like.. €10#not even like she needs the money girlie is 23 and living in a penthouse apartment with two floors!! in the heart of the city#nothing on her gift list was under €40 as well like.........#sorry for the vent#i am just annoyed lmao#non sims#also had hyped this event up sm in my head. but I really missed the vibe#like I thought her friends were all like arty weed smoking types with tattoos everywhere so I wore a very ~scandalous~ top#it was like a corset#TELL MY WHY EVERYONE ELSE WAS IN BLAZERS!!! IT WAS BUSINESS CASUAL!!!!#it was byob so I bought a bottle of vodka. everyone else had bought WHITE WINE. it was so embarrassing.#it really humbled me
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#1st my sister was passive aggressive bc i was boiling pasta when she wanted to make her dinner#so she slammed stuff nd chopped veggies aggressively#nd i felt my heart rate spike nd my body go tense nd i always get clumsy nd drop things nd hurt myself when i get that way#but they think i deserve feeling awful bc of mistakes in the past so i cant ask them to stop#i've been walking around w lots of heavy things nd im barely keeping it together#nd i got so mad bc she wouldnt stop so i started slamming the cabinets nd then left when i was done#then my mom nd other sister got home nd i just wanted to ask my mom smth#when i open my door my other sister goes 'omfg already?'#'immediately when we get home i never get a break. it's almost disgusting'#i just got so.. i realized how pathetic nd childish i am so i just went into my room#but then apparently my sister said to mom that *i* was the only one being passive aggressive#so she comes in to talk when i was having my dinner so i said that i plz just wnna eat my dinner#she didnt know nd she's never cared but i wanted to hurt myself so badly i was struggling not to#but then she started screaming at me for being childish nd passive aggressive nd that i never do anything#she left my room. she still talks to my sisters so i know it's onlg me shes sick of#idk.. today is bad bc i cant talk to her nd i dont have ANYONE else to talk to im all alone#and now i barely even wanna go outside my room bc apparently my family thinks i wnna mess w them just for going to the bathroom lmao#i hate myself so much. im so pathetic. im 25yrs old living at home being a burden#nd im just a pathetic nd childish person. i 'need' to talk nd vent nd rant nd#like if i buy some things i have these need to like do a mini haul or if i get books from the library#i wnna show my mom what books i got#it's so childish. i do feel bad for my mom to have to deal w me nd my annoying personality#why cant i jusy be normal. no wonder why i can never keep friends or my family doesnt wnna talk to me. everything abt me fkn sucks#anyway im just feeling so bad and so alone bc my moms mad at me so now i have no one to talk to
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are we going back to the early aughts? what is with this new (ancient) trend of if wips where gender selectable is only m/f?
#grapecase vents#idr my tag lmao#grapecase complains#?#it's so --#if you're gonna do that why not have one character that is just nb or more#it rubs me even worse when the mc cant be nonbinary#i dont think nonbinary is a third magical gender [which is why i love it best when games is like okay character can be m/f/agender or#m/f/demi. or even better character b is f or nonbinary and character z is demi-girl/boy or agender. and they mix up the pronoun titles/#names. like it isnt all they all. and fine sometimes it is. idk if im making sense. ignore me. im cis so maybe i shouldnt be this annoyed#bc my knowledge is limited but i dont see how knowledge and understanding can be expanded by doing the most normative of things#and it's worse bc i bet all these m/f ros are all cis#idk idk this sounds like a silly annoyance in retrospect when there ae actual things in life to be annoyed about [i am] and there are thing#i actually know about to be annoyed over. it just feels ... weird and ick to me [and dismissive?]#also gonna be out here with 30 ros who are all cis m/f?#boring#and mc is also cis m/f? ew.
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it’s been over a week and i’m still thinking about how i was literally holding my strokes concert poster when i met fab and i was too much of a nervous idiot to ask him to sign it 😭
#why am i like this!!!!#in the moment it felt like asking for a photo AND signature was too much lmao#even tho plenty of others did#sorry just need to vent about it for a second bc i’m beating myself up over every second of that interaction 😅#STILL#my brain just loves to ruminate on things#my friend and i were actually on our way back up to him later to ask him for signatures and he went ‘bye everybody!’ 😭
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hi what is wrong with me
#I don’t even know what exactly I am Processing#but boy am I processing something#like was I really That Affected by stupid internet artist drama#to this day#like#what unhealed part of me#like I ugh#I think this is maybe just another tism experience#ever since fuckin Girl Scouts and elementary school#I’ve always been Too Cool to care about being in the in group like that’s so fucking shallow and stupid#but then also I suck at feeling like I belong in literally almost any space#so ummmmmmmmmmmmm#I guess maybe sometimes I get stuck in that wanting to belong and fit in feeling#but I don’t want to do it in the stupid shallow way#I want to find a place where I belong because I’m me#and I think I get triggered and stupid and annoyed when I see fake ass shallow toxic ass hoes living it up being in The Clique or whatever#like why them and not me#what the fuck tumblr tag venting really does make you think so introspectively#like idc abt being in groups where everyone’s just fucking stupid and mean#but when there are people who are cool and nice and chill in them#I get so much FOMO#like they hang around them bc they are cool and chill and nice but they’re not cool and chill and nice themselves#and I get annoYYYEEDDD#I’m not even feeling entitled to getting attention from cool and chill and nice people it’s just that like#sometimes it feels so slippery and wobbly trying to even coordinate hanging out with people you want to regularly#what am I even talking about though really#I think I really am just annoyed and triggered by deep seated pay attention to me and make me feel valued issues#maybe it is an entitlement issue in a way lmao#like I don’t expect attention from everyone ever but also I deserve attention I never got from my parents and does anyone ever tell you how#to like deal with that once you’re an adult like what the actual fuck
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kicking and screaming FREE ME ALREADY
#tw vent#vent#PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE#i dont wanna do this anymore and i have to wait 3 weeks to actually leave#threeeeee weeeeeks of heeeeeeell#like i said: i genuinely could care less anymore so me? studying? lmaoooo lololol#the only thing im afraid of is more getting yelled at and being treated as incompetent#yeah babey!! i sure am incompetent!! and that is why!!! i am leaving !!! i hate ALL OF YOU#as i said before: all things i do lately is judt for expectation its not even like 'for my future'#i just want this done asap#anyways sorry i just needed to vent this.#internets still bad here too 😒#the guy was supposed to fix it 4 hours ago but um. didnt show up lmao#im sorry lately if i seem really down rhese days#i know i said im gonna try to be positive (at least i still have happy logs)#but Man.
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#hhhhhh reread the flashback chapter i wrote w d/dirk and just hooh boy i love it so much ugh#im tempted to post it on its own but i want to save that bomb of a scene for the middle of the larger fic its in#just ughhhhhhh i love everything about how i wrote d#im going nuts bc i have been working on it since like december? ish? but the past couple months have been hell for me personally#fuck like i remember going thru an entire calendar of movie release dates for that historical year and found the perfect spot#to where it accounts for historical events and events in canon and has its own special date and how the release of the movie...#...effects how d managed to make it a success and just#fuck man i researched the hell out of that and only had to put one anachronism to grease a moment in it#like#this fic is so big for me and i am so scared that i wont finish it bc i have so many things planned out for it and so many ...#...annotations i keep adding to modify things i wrote earlier in it (which is why im not publishing any of it yet)#i want to share it w the world so fucking badly but i keep getting amazing ideas to weave in from an earlier point i already wrote#cries lol#ughhh this is why im so tempted to post the flashback as a standalone chapter/separate posting#but#i wrote it to match a scene from both the previous and next chapter so i dont wanna ruin that either#fucking writers block man ahhhh wish my life wasnt shit rn bc i need to finish it#tag edit: i used the wrong spelling of affects earlier lol#but yeah ughhhh so frustrated w life rn i have such bigger problems going on rn but#rereading my fave chapter kinda just made my day at least lmao#personal#vent#kinda i guess#delete later / /#maybe idk lol#ShitPost.exe#like this wip is over 33k words and its probably not even halfway done in terms of event points i want to happen in it lmao fml#all bc i wanted to make one punchline happen which happened a long time ago before i wanted to write all that backstory into the fic
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i took a shower i ate i'm trying to distract myself. so why am i still so sad that i can't think
#probably lack of sleep but i doubt my body will allow me to fall asleep anytime soon lol 🥲#even tho i'm so tired ugh#main reason i can't distract myself is my brain is too tired to focus on anything lmao#had a rough meeting with my social worker today so that's probably why i feel extra bad#was reminded of how much i am just. unable to be alive. a functioning person. a person at all#so i am once again in my usual 'why am i even bothering with anything when i won't be able to live a fulfilling life no matter what'#what they don't tell you about 'a better life is possible' is that better doesn't necessarily mean good#it just means less bad. which. when things are extremely bad. doesn't say much#man can someone shoot me like asap. i need to die. why am i alive. etc etc you already heard all that shit before#vent#negative //#suicide //
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im not even a major dunk & egg fan but i. still legit can't believe that they deadass cast a white man to portray baelor breakspear who is CANONICALLY NONWHITE. HE IS VISIBLY BROWN. HE IS A VISIBLY BROWN MIXED RACE TARGARYEN. & HE WAS THE LITERAL HEIR TO THE IRON THRONE. like. ppl get all stuck up that pedro pascal who plays oberyn martell is "spicy white" or w/e the fuck but ignore the sudanese actor, the indian actress, the black actresses, etc etc etc etc. like. the whole show franchise created an environment that encouraged casting for characters of color but when it comes to the targaryens they portray them as all white except for baela & rhaena in hotd & they barely do anything with them & its. genuinely infuriating. it's obvious cherry picking on their part bc OF COURSE they don't want to center characters of color when they could have pretty white people main characters. ie the velaryons & the dragon twins ie baela & rhaena being casted as black & mysaria & being sidelined by the writers & as an indigenous writer of color that's insulting. actors & characters & fans of color deserve so much fucking better than this bullshit. it's just racist colorist bs atp & i'm so tired of people making excuses for these writers. & you STILL see people say "dOrNe Is wHiTe!!!!!!!" or "tHe NoRtH cAnT pOsSiBlY bE InDiGeNoUs CoDeD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" while they BOTH literally experience inworld fantasy racism & then people STILL continue to pretend to act like both dorne & the north aren't treated differently than the rest of the seven kingdoms lmaoooooooooooo.
#ooc.#i am. So Annoyed#but honestly as an indigenous poc im not even surprised anymore lmao#& i still see ppl go like ''oh but he's never rly described!!'' but. there are people literally siding with daemon blackfyre BECAUSE#baelor looked ''too dornish'' for their racist minds to comprehend. that's literally the entire reason why the blackfyre rebellions happen#& not to mention aegon / egg & his siblings are literally 75% dornish through both maekar AND dyanna dayne which. is a LOT#the casting choices were DELIBERATE & INTENTIONAL#& EVERY TIME we have a nonwhite targaryen or otherwise nonwhite character they're ALWAYS on the fucking sidelines. FUCK that#like. i figured black & brown & otherwise nonwhite targaryens were wishful thinking bc we KNOW the show loves them white as shit#(& honestly most of the fandom & rpc is like this too be fucking for real) but like jesus christ this is literally embarrassing lmao#/ vent#/ racism
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