#maybe i was too annoyed by the physical contact that i didn't realise....

[irritablepoe]

I think someone needing a hug from me alone would fix me

[angelfleurry]

hi can i have one about fuyuhiko and/or hajime catching feelings :>

FUYUHIKO & HAJIME CATCHING FEELINGS:

I hardly ever write for Fuyuhiko, so I’m really really hoping I did alright!! Have a wonderful day, thank you again!!

✧FUYUHIKO KUZURYUU:✧

♡ Well, shit…

♡ All you did was make an effort for his birthday once again.

♡ And an effort for texting him, and an effort to be patient with him for all these years, and an effort to keep in contact, and an effort to make him a friend…

♡ Oh, oh dear…

♡ Maybe there was a lot more that you did, things that he’d always appreciated deep down in that stubborn little heart of his, but things he’d only just started connecting to the feelings in his chest.

♡ He didn’t know what to do.

♡ Fuyuhiko knew for some time that there was something going on regarding his feelings towards you, but today had only solidified it.

♡ And he did not know what to do from there.

♡ Well, he knew what to do, he wasn’t stupid, but he didn’t know when, or how or even…

♡ Or even if you’d want to hear it.

♡ Definitely paced around his room trying to process it all, swearing every so often under his breath.

♡ Fuyuhiko had become a very loyal friend to you, and he knew you knew that, but he hadn’t really properly seen you in quite some time. Obviously, within the year, he had, he could never want to stop seeing you entirely, but he hadn’t seen much of you over the past few months.

♡ Texting was more your thing, with him being busy within the yakuza, and you embracing the life you’d built for yourself, it was hard to find time physically. You both graduated two years ago and life was becoming very hectic.

♡ After all, you were both young adults now, time was more limited than before.

♡ Still, Fuyuhiko had thought of you dearly for years now. You were annoying at first, so very annoying, what with your stubborn patience and constant pestering.

♡ But, he grew to love that pestering. It just surprised him that someone could be so attached to a person they hardly knew, so eager to befriend, determined to check in, and he didn’t know what to make of it.

♡ Looking back now, he supposed he could have said thank you, rather than swear and huff at you the way he did.

♡ But, it’s not like he was too aggressive, was it? Because, you kept coming back, and you waiting for him to let you in.

♡ It helped that you were close to Peko too, she was like a sister to you, and that seemed to bring Fuyuhiko some sort of comfort at the time. It was nice to know Peko had a friend like you, nice to see her so happy.

♡ Peko didn't let her guard down around many people, and she especially didn’t during Hope’s Peak. She spent all of her time with Fuyuhiko, but then you came along and devoted so much time for her, made an effort for her, and then extended that effort to him.

♡ Neither of them understood it, but Fuyuhiko especially didn’t. Shouldn’t you have been intimidated? Shouldn’t you have been hesitant? Surely, his aggression should have put you off?

♡ For a little while, it seemed to have done so, but even then you still kept showing grace and love and everything friendly.

♡ His heart managed to warm up to you over the years, gradually making him appreciate your presence more and more.

♡ Once he makes the realisation, he’s pretty easily accepting of it.

♡ He just doesn’t know what to do next.

♡ He knows he’s got to say it sometime, he’s bound to, but he just doesn’t know when would be appropriate; or if it’s even a good idea. Did he really, genuinely, want to rope you into his lifestyle?

♡ He knew you knew what his life was like, you always had, but something about it becoming something unavoidable…frightened him.

♡ Fuyuhiko definitely finds it difficult to revert back to his usual behaviours with you now that he’s aware of his feelings for you.

♡ He finds it very hard to keep his blood pressure under control around you. Give him any frequent form of attention, any form of praise, any genuine interest in him as individual, even just look at him, and soon enough he’ll feel his face warming up.

♡ Eye contact becomes very difficult for him to maintain. While Fuyuhiko’s usually able to maintain eye contact no matter the circumstance, something about looking at you now seems almost impossible. He tries, he really does, because truthfully you’re so perfect he wants to keep looking, but he can’t.

♡ He can literally feel his eyes wobble as he begins to lose focus and, disguised with a nonchalantly stubborn huff, turns away.

♡ He doesn’t want to let his guard down, he doesn’t want to look stupid.

♡ Definitely gets goosebumps, and the shivers.

♡ His whole body tenses up whenever he sees you, a sudden heaviness latching onto his chest.

♡ His whole brain gets fuzzy and, although you’d never know, he’s actively fighting for his dignity the more and more he talks to you. He’s trying so hard not to stutter, so hard not to choke on his words, so hard not to look like an idiot, so hard not to be seen as weak.

♡ So hard not to give himself away…

♡ Probably becomes more protective of you than he was before. He’s not like obsessive with it, that would be silly, but he just feels this strong calling to ensure you’re safe and that you know he’s always going to be in your life.

♡ If he knew another guy was taking interest in you, he has an interesting way of handling his emotions surrounding it.

♡ He’d get internally jealous for a moment, a little angry, before then letting it go and trying to keep his cool. He’d probably get disappointed by it in his own time, realising that there was no guarantee you’d ever even return his feelings.

♡ If he ever thought you were taking interest in someone else, he’d be really mature about it and very chill, but inside he’d be devastated.

♡ Absolutely paces around his room trying to figure out what is going on with him.

♡ Peko will clock that something is the matter, but Fuyuhiko will probably deny it for a period of time.

♡ Eventually, he’ll tell her, and it’s an incredibly hard thing for him to do, even if he trusts her so.

♡ I feel like Peko would be really good at helping to reassure and calm him about the whole situation.

♡ I feel like Fuyuhiko would get dizzy spells as a result of his feelings. He’s letting himself spiral internally rather than physically cope with it, so his body is very very very confused.

♡ He’s not used to feeling as vulnerable as he is with you, and it isn’t even your fault.

♡ You’re just so special to him, he would do anything to see you smile, even if he wouldn’t admit it.

♡ Has definitely Googled advice on how to confess, but would immediately delete his search history the minute he was done gathering information.

♡ Nobody needs to know.

✧HAJIME HINATA:✧

♡ Hajime was very oblivious to it at first, unaware that the oxygen he lost whenever he saw you, unaware that the thundering sensation in his chest, unaware that his desire to talk to you was anything more than platonic fondness.

♡ His friends definitely clocked onto it faster than he did and, when they helped him connect the dots, he was very much in denial.

♡ “So, you forget to breathe, you can’t sleep, your heart feels heavy and you constantly gravitate towards them,” Chiaki repeated, looking over to Kazuichi expectantly.

♡ He looked at her for a minute, puzzled, before getting the hint.

♡ “Right, you realise all of that and…” he pauses, tilting his head, “That doesn’t sound slightly not friendly to you?”

♡ “Not friendly…?” Hajime mumbled back, confused.

♡ “Platonic,” Chiaki bluntly answered, “He means not platonic.”

♡ “Yeah, that.” Kazuichi grumbled, shrugging it off.

♡ When he figured it out, the denial set in.

♡ “Oh, no no…I just think they’re cool.”

♡ …

♡ Oh no.

♡ They were right.

♡ Now that he thought about it, he had been more drawn to you as of the past few months.

♡ He often had a strong urge to be around you, but he wasn’t bold enough to be obvious with it.

♡ He’d kind of just linger around you, not exactly being all that different, but being completely different all that once.

♡ Very straight-forward in terms of the affects of catching feelings.

♡ I mean, now that he thinks about it, it’s obvious.

♡ Do friends really crave company the way he does about yours?

♡ He has definitely taken long showers to contemplate everything.

♡ He just wants to hold you close, just wants to never leave your side.

♡ Absolutely loses his train of thought when he’s around you.

♡ Talks as if he’s running out of breath a lot more around you.

♡ Has no idea what to do with himself.

♡ Has the most DUMBEST smile whenever he thinks about you or sees you happy.

♡ Gets the nervous sweats, if he’s around you too long he will grow all hot and sweaty and unsure of himself.

♡ Bless him, he throws a pillow over his face every night to try and get you out of his head.

♡ Always wonders what you’re doing. It’ll be a random time of day and he’ll be wondering what you’re up to.

♡ Very shakey around you.

♡ He is definitely one to tremble, usually on a day where his emotions about you are particularly high.

♡ Does that thing where he glances at you, looks away, looks at you again, over and over.

[chemicallady]

I WANNA FEEL LOVE AGAIN

Part 1

Couple: Noah Sebastian x Fem!Reader

Content Warning: none. It's gonna be a slow burn, baby! Just a couple of bad words and some references to sexual intercorse. Should I add Matt to the warming just because it's part of this?

Taglist: @ada-clarence, @badalmondzzzz, my wifey @starsomens

Summary: Reader is Matt's sister and PR for Bad Omens. After a long relationship that ended quite bad, with her brother help, she decides to give herself a fresh new start in Los Angeles.

A/N: from now on, I'll post my notes at the end of the chapter to avoid spoilers!

As always this is just a product of fiction, nothing in this ff is real, my intention is to entertain myself and all of you.

Enjoy 🐕

I don't know if I count, but I'm trying my best.

This is not a story with a happy ending.

This is not one of those scenarios in which the grumpy old brother, after a significant amount of time, realises that his sister and his bestfriend are in love and the two of you can live happily ever after.

This is the real life, not an urban fairytale.

And there's a lot to unpack, emotionally.

First of all, you and Noah are not in love. You weren't aware of who he was before an hour ago. In your head you can ear in loop Eric, Eric, Eric, and it's fucking annoying that you actually had had the feeling you know him but you didn't recognised his throat tattoo after licking it. Or his nose. He has the most perfect nose you've ever seen, but nothing. It's not even an excuse that you haven't seen each other for three years because Matt shares videos from their gig on weekly basis, when on tour.

It's the fucking Clark Kent paradox, but instead of a pair of glasses, he got those long, perfect silk hair cut.

Losing the 25% of his charm, in your modest opinion.

But it doesn't matter.

Because when you met Eric, your first impression was that he seemed to be genuine, but shy maybe, in a good way a bit weird.

But genuine.

He is not genuine for the fuck sake! He lied on who he is and now you both have a problem.

Matt hasn't noticed yet, but only because he's too invested in the production of the music video to connect the dots. The way Noah stood in front of you, paralyzed, without talking, was loud enough for someone to notice.

You're sure about that.

After that stupid exchange of words you ran back inside the house telling everyone that it's too hot and you are not use yet to California's sunny day.

Dumbest excuse ever since is almost november, and Texas is warmer than here. But it worked so you can sit on the kitchen counter, and reflect about how much fucked up you are.

This is not even a story in which the main character is overreacting. You're Not. Matt has always hated every boy who laid and eye on you. From the very first boyfriend in mid school to a couple of classmates in highschool that just asked for your help with homeworks. Then, Shawn. He has never tollerated Shawn even if the rest of your family accepted him as a son. Matt never made up a scene in front of him or mistreated him in any way. But behind his back, he talked a lot shit, made you furious every time. He said that Shawn wasn't genuine enough (this adjective is starting to sound funny, at this point), caring enough, that he was drinking too much at your parents dinner table, that he looked too possessive.

In your modest opinion, your brother is terrible in judging others. For real. The issue on the table is always the same one; he is afraid you can get hurt. Matt can't physically stand the sight of you crying or being miserable.

Now, after this long mental digression, it's fair to say that he doesn't have to know. Absolutely. And you need Noah to be on the same page about that. You have to cut any contact with him that is not related to work. The date you have for friday is deleted.

It's sad because you really enjoyed having Eric around.

But he's not fucking Eric.

You don't have the chance to speak face to face with noah until after lunch. When the nerds move on Orie's room to give a first look at the unprocessed scenes and Jolly joined Folio in the pool, Noah is the one who actually comes looking for you.

You are on the sofa, petting Harper. He indulges just one second on the sight of you cuddling the adorable princess of the hous, before take a seat next to you. 《 Harp likes you.》

《 Well, she is not the only one. Isn't she?》

Noah release a long, loud sigh, while is cheeks get pink-ish. 《 You really are outspoken, are you?》. He gives a look at you, straight into your eyes. You are ready. You can feel how reticent he is right now, almost scared to say the wrong thing. 《 You are not gonna tell your brother about...》

《 About you eating me out in you car?》 It's your question, whispered between the two of you like the biggest secret in the world. 《 initially he won't believe us, but further investigations will follow; Maybe he will take the fingerprints from the back window. My hands were there while you were fucking me from behind. And he loves CSI.》

《 I'm serious. Are you going to tell him?》

And he is serious. You were joking, maybe because you feel a little embarrassed, maybe because your dad is right when he says that making fun about serious situations sometimes helps in facing them. But Noah on the other hand doesn't look amused. He looks like thinks you're mocking him.

So you hinale deeply, before looking back at him, leaving all your bullshit behind. And that's the moment in which you start to feel how tense the situation is. 《 I would rather chop my own foot than telling him I fuck with his best friend. He's gonna be furious. To me, but also to you. Do you have any deathwishies? Because I just got a fresh new start and I intend to survive the beginning of the week.》

Noah nods with a slow motion. He seems to have already evaluated any bad scenarios and keep it quiet is for the best of all of you. Especially Matt, who doesn't deserve to end up in jail. 《 So it's a secret between you and me now, Vanessa.》

《Don't you even try to use this card against me, Eric. 》

Noah brings his hands to his eyes. He looks even more concerned than you are. Matt once told you that Noah never had a real family, growing up. He was always on his own, so he formed a family with the friends he chose. Probably he is scared to disappoint Matt as much as you are.

《 Why you lie? Why you told me your name was Eric?》

With another sigh, Noah looked back at you. 《 I don't know. Sometime I ... fuck, you're going to have a bad first impression of me.》

《 Don't worry. I already had a bad first impression of you. 》

When he see you smile softly, he chuckles. It's pure tension right now and not the good one. He is living the horror of being caught with his hands in your honey jar. 《 ...When I meet a girl that sounds like troubles, I never bring her home and I give her a fake name.》

《 Did I sound like a troubles, to you?》

《 Yes because I knew I've already seen you.... but I couldn't recall were or when. And when you told me you had just moved in with your brother for a second I thought 'oh shit its y/n, her tits got bigger'. But then you lie as well and I believe I was in the safe.》

《 You didn't remember anything else but my breast size?》

It makes sense.

In some ways.

Half of fault is on both of you.

《 Sorry I lied》 , he says while rising from the sofa, ready to join his friends and check how the video is going 《 and sorry for... you know. 》

《 ah, don't say anything, we both enjoyed that part》 .

《 yeah, it was...》 Noah stays a couple of second in silence before biting both is lips. 《 We have to stop anyway. I cant loose Matt and he gave us a lecture about NOT fucking around with you, before you arrived.》

Now it's your time to sigh loudly. Yeah, you have seen that coming. But it's fine since you and Noah didn't planned it. You call it a casuality more than an incident.

You haven't big aspectation on Eric, anyway.

You feel like you've lost the capability of love long, after Shawn.

《 I agree. It's not gonna happen again》.

He smiles at you in relieve and you feel the same. 《 Can wait to work with you, than 》

《Otherwise》

He waves his hand before turning around and leave you in the living room. Harper is licking your hand so you start to pet her again, feeling better.

Matt will never know about your rendezvous.

You're washing the dishes after dinner, while Matt is picking up a movie. Even if you convinced yourself that you and Noah took the most resonable way, and also your conversation was short but clearifyng, you cant help yourself but feeling a bit down because you're not going to meet Eric anymore. And you know that Eric doesn't even exist. You will see Noah on a daily basis, and this will help a lot in moving on, but it's gonna be tough for the first week or two.

Because you and Noah are not in love, but you can feel the first syntomps of a beginning crush. Which is legit because Noah is funny and goofy and good-looking. More than that, he was nice to you and didn't force you in silence or nothing. You two have a conversation and reach an easy solution that makes everyone safe. Safe from Matt. After clearing the air, he also asked you for some advices because he never had a PR. It's his job usually and the two of you should work on that together. The prospective makes you nervous since you have no clue about the job itself, and Matt noticed. You know he did.

And you also know that he was waiting the vulnerable silence of your shared flat to talk about this with you.

《 What's wrong with Noah?》

You don't look back at him, rinsing the dishes from the soap. 《 What about Noah?》

《 He froze when he saw you this morning. And then you didn't look so happy about working with him》.

Matt and his way to be fucking direct.

You scroll your shoulders, epically good in lying. 《 I can't tell about him freezing in front of me. But I'm not looking forward to be his assistant and bring him his favorite brand of coffe.... or fold his underwares.》

《 That's not your job. He can make his own caffè and he won't let you fold any of his clothes. Trust me, that man on the edge of an OC diagnosis 》. You mumble something about being good in folding clothes while Matt approaches you, crossing his arm on his chest. 《 C'mon. Do I have to pull the big deal out of you kicking your ass?》

You're trapped because you two are too similar. You can read your brother like a book written for kids. Really dumb kids. And it's the same for him. You can't fool him too long.

《 Alright. I met a guy at the gym. He's name is Eric and he looked nice, but now I'm convinced that he's fake like a three dollar coin. Happy?》

You wait for the ocean of question that Matt is going to storm on you, but.... Nothing. He simply exhales before helping you, drying the dishes and the glasses with a cloat. You feel like you just turned twelve again and he was always around helping with the cores your mom gave you.

《 It's good that you're moving on fast. When I brought you here, I was afraid to see you again in the sane state you were in Texas. Close in your own room, drowing your bad feelings under the blankets. It's a good thing that you go to the gym and meet new people but be careful. People in LA are different from what you're used to. 》

You don't know what to say. You were aspecting Matt to start a lecture about rushing your new life and instead you got a boost. That's a progress.

《 Thanks for the advice》.

《 Just text me every time you're with him. And send me the position in real time so I can check.》

There he is! 《 You almost got me scared. I was wandering where my medieval-mind brother was. 》

《 Shut up!》

A soft laught leaves your mounth while he pours so water from the sink on you. And you oblige, doing it back on him. 《 I won't see Eric again, anyway.》

《 Who's Eric?》

《 Gym guy. He left.》

Matt finished drying the last fork before push you a little, playfully. 《 What did you say to make him run?》

《 Nothing! You asshole!》

The two of you reach the sofa, but apparently he is not done with the conversation. 《 Can you promise just two things?》

《 Alright, shoot》

《 In case this guy will be back and you won't be interested, just call Noah. He is enrolled to the same gym》.

You have to do your best to not laugh or betray yourself in any way. 《 Promise. What else?》

《 You are more than allowed to look for some happiness. You deserve to be loved by someone who is not an idiot as Shawn. Someone who sees the real you.》 You smile with some commotion to these beautiful words, reaching for his hand on the cushion in between you two. 《 But please never date anyone from the crew. No one wants drama while we're hitting the road.》

The smile froze on your lips without giving your brain the chance to process why you suddenly feel so .... disappointed.

《 y/n, pinkie promise?》

A bit reluctant, you grab his pinkie with yours, like you have done billions of time.

《 I promise》.

And you really hope you will be able to keep it.

It takes six days to meet again Noah at the gym. Matt helped you find a class about management and public relations, and day after day, you're learning how you can be useful for the band. Working on websites, taking care of the agenda, and defining schedules sounds scary, but you feel more confident day after day.

Noah is sitting outside his jujitsu class, his mitts next to him, and some bandage in his hand. The other one is busy scrolling the screen of his iPhone. You're reticent in bump into him, but just for a second. You know that if you start to avoid him, it will be a bad habit to lose. So you approach greeting him.

He looks surprised, but just for a couple of seconds, while he's buring the cellphone in his shorts' pocket. 《 How is yoga going?》

《 Fine, nothing noticeable》 , you take a seat next to him, smiling. 《 How jujitsu is going?》

《 Today, not so good》 he answers, showing you his brushed knuckles. Some blood on the right hand is almost dry. 《 I have to change my mitts. These are fucked.》

That's an amazing start of conversation for two people who had sex and then started to pretend that never happened in less than 24 hours.

《 Let me help you with that.》 With a nod, you indicate the bandages. He slowly gives the box to you, and after cleaning your hands with the sanitizer you have in your gym bag, you start to wrap the bandages around his hand gently.

《 How's school going? Matt said that you're taking it so seriously》. There is something in his voice that is illegible. Is he mocking you? Or maybe he is amused? You're focused on his hands to pay attention to his sminking face.

《 Well, I'm supposed to, right?》

《 Why? Why do you want to work with us? I mean... you can find a job as a piercer. I saw you in action and you're really good at it. 》

After fixing his left hand, you proceed to the other one, avoiding his gaze. 《 Do you want me to be honest?》

《 You can be honest, or you can be Vanessa 》.

A sigh escapes from your lips, uncontrolled. The audacity of this bitch. 《 Because I want the money. Because I want to spend a lot of time with my brother. Because I want to choose my job and leave the one my prick ex chose for me behind. Because I have nothing left to lose. I want to love my life again, waking up in the morning with a purpose.》

You have no idea why you're opening up to someone you barely know. But it is what it is. You can't have a fresh new start if you are not honest with yourself.

And when you look at Noah, you find respect in his gaze. 《 You just move in LA, and i'm not gonna lie to you: it's hard work. Are you sure you can take this?》

《 I'm used to fight any battle at my lowest》 it's your answer. The most honest one you can guarantee to him. 《 I'm ready to drag myself if it's necessary and only if it's forward. I need a hurricane to shake up my entire existence》.

《 Well well, you might have found the right one. Our new record could be a total disaster or grant us more than I can even imagine. You pick up the right train or, at least, you will enjoy every second of my downfall》

《 You're so drammatic, like every singer. 》

Noah giggles at your last affirmation before checking his hands. 《 thanks. You're already an amazing assistant. 》

《 I'm not your fucking secretary. 》

《 So who are you, y/n?》

A broken doll.

A girl that just wants to be love.

A woman covered in scars, who has a heart hidden in meters and meters of barber wire to prevent everyone from hurting it again.

《 A friend, Noah.》

And you can tell by his smile that it's the right answer he was waiting for. And this beautiful and sincere smile could be enough to put aside any crush you can develop in order to gain a true friend.

《 Lets grab a beer, then.》

A/N : I know that probably a lot of you are here for the smut, but I rethink this ff with a lot of realistic scenarios and the idea of writing a friends to lovers. It's my first attempt on this topic, and I'm thrilling to recieve any thought about it from you! I left an important hint for the future in the text by the way.

You can also send me inbox about my ff, about Bad Omens in general or headcanons! It's gonna be fun if you give me some credit ♡

I also added a song in the beginning that should be a sort of soundtrack for the chapter. I added it to the first chapter as well if you want to check!

Lastly, if you wish to be added to my tag list, comment here or send me a pm!

[grey-pastels]

Names

Fandom: Six of Crows

pairing: platonic! Kaz brekker x reader

summary: reader is set on finding out what kaz' name is.

_________________________________________

It was ten bells and the night was just getting started. This might have been a quiet time in any place but not here,not in ketterdam,not in the barrell.

I was currently leading Jesper back to the crow club after having to basically pry the cards from his hands. I had found him in one of the gambling dens,as usual. And he was losing,as usual. Normally I would've just sat next to him,letting him do his thing. But tonight I wasn't in the mood for it. I really didn't want to deal with the speech Kaz would have about him losing all the money again. He would most certainly still hold one but I was just hoping it wouldn't take 10 minutes this time. As we entered the crow club I spotted him sitting in a dark corner,his corner. He glared at us, his usual unamused glare or maybe it was just how his face was stuck by now. When Jesper spotted him he immediately looked away and made a beeline for the bar. I did not. I walked towards him and sat down. I was waiting for him to speak,but of course he didn't. He was waiting for something. Maybe an apology or maybe a simple explanation. I would not give him that,not today. If he wanted it he could ask for it nicely and I might just comply.

"Fancy seeing you here,kazper" I said mockingly.

He was staring at me. He hated it. Ever since I joined the dregs, approximately 3 years ago I had started bothering him with these nicknames. To me it just seemed improbable for someone to name their kid Kaz. I have met jespers and even inejs before. Not many but they existed. So I have made it my goal to get his name. Not for the reason others might want it. I didn't want leverage on him or his past. I just wanted him,to know him. He was a walking mystery to everyone, but not to me. I have tried many names over the years. My personal favourites include kazzie, kazper and kazpian. He didn't show a hint of emotion other than annoyance when I said them so I presumed they weren't right.

He stood up and walked up the stairs. He walked rather fast despite his limp so I had a relatively hard time keeping up. He didn't say anything yet but that didn't stop me. I followed him to his room.  When I closed the door of his office he stood alarmingly close to me. Something Kaz never does. He seemed irritated,by me.

"Why are you so set on knowing my name?"

"Well for starters,kazstration. you know mine. You know me and I know you would never admit to it but i am the closest thing to a friend you have. I am aware inej and jesper are there too but it's different with us. Inej is your faith and jesper your- well actually I am not sure what he is to you"

" You are my crow, an investment. You all are. Not more nor less"

"I don't believe that"

He leaned his head to the side in disbelief. He always hated how stubborn and blunt I can be. I would never change it. It was one of my many talents to help annoy people, annoy him especially. When we first became acquaintances he had said " if you keep that up you won't survive long in the barrel and even shorter in the dregs" I simply smiled at him and continued with my day. Three years later I was still alive and he still disagreed with my ways.

"You are my family,kaz" he almost laughed at that. And  I realised what I had said. It wasnt the fact that I called him my brother, I meant that and I wasn't ashamed of it. But it was the first time I had called him kaz in years. I am not sure why I had done it but it felt right. I needed him to see I was serious and it wasn't another joke.

He kept quiet after that. I didn't expect him to say it back. I didn't need him to. I slightly pressed my palm against his shoulder,shoving him gently out of my way. I could hear his breath hitch for a second but he calmed himself rather fast. I was aware of his aversion to touch and I did my best to avoid physical contact. But now I just needed space and I didn't have the nerve to communicate it. Why would I need to speak my thoughts when he never does? I turned around and opened the door to leave. Before I fully shut it again I spoke up again. "You won't get rid of me, not of my energy either. And one day your gonna have to admit it. Speak the truth. Say that you like me around and perhaps admit it to her aswell,she isn't as patient as me with you and i dont blame her" I didn't need to speak her name, he knew. He always did. " I will see you tomorrow, Kazimir" he made a noise. I shut the door and I was sure I had it. I had his name. I had him.

[innitmarvellous]

Yeah, I know, I said the last ace rant was the final part, but the third aspec book I read ('Sounds Fake But Okay') annoyed me again, lol. It wasn't all bad, but some bits...

Except that it doesn't? It never has? People say they love their friends or their family, or a character from a TV show? Or also idk, God or Jesus if they're religious. None of these imply romantic love even without specifying anything.

Well, good for her, but that's not much of a comfort, isn't it? So we'll inevitably die alone, but we don't need to fear that because we can still have friends - who'll desert us once they find a partner. Yes, well, that's certainly very nice :/

Lol, maybe that's why my existence is so "unrecognisable" then. Because I literally didn't have any friends before I started to use social media etc. And even know my biggest fear is too annoying, too boring, too whatever else for everyone - and I have a hard time to make out whether the people I consider friends consider me as such too 😭

Well, this part was at least relatable, even if I never thought about this before. Then again, it might have been the other way round for me. Being a girl/woman was literally never very important for me, and I never felt the need to adhere to gender norms just because it's expected. E.g. I never thought I needed/wanted to be pretty to be attractive for men. So it sort of did felt like things made sense when I realised that there is indeed no need for me to attact anyone with my physical looks.

---

The chapter about QPRs made me realise that this isn't an option for me either. The insecurities around this form of relationship would be simply too much for me. Like, having to agree on what the relationship looks like, what kind of things would be alright or not alright (re physical contact and all kinds of intimacy etc), how long it might last and all that...it would be near impossible to agree on anything like that once I would put in my wishes in that regard. Because it wouldn't feel right to push my demands on someone else, and yet I'm way too selfish because I also wouldn't want to live in a way another person wants me too. So...I think that's another dream I might as well bury right now, before I got into it too much. ^^

---

Yet another general thing: the books usually mentioned that we should think about what we would expect from a relationship and I did give this some thought. I think the main - and honestly almost only - prerequisite for me would be that any potential partner would accept me as I am. Well, and some mutual trust would be high up on the list, too. That's literally all I need, I think. I wouldn't mind if e.g. in case it's an allo person and they would have someone else to fulfill their sexual needs or whatever, as long as I could be sure of still having a relationship based on trust with them.

Yes, I know that this is already asking for way too much. I'm only too aware of that, so maybe it's understandable why I'm so frustrated. I know I should do it, but I'm too selfish to lower my standards, so there isn't much hope for me and I hate it :/

[444jiya]

tw: suicide, mentions of sh, blood, pain, heavy angst

summary : peter's at the lowest part of his life and thinks suicide is the best way out of his pain and misery.

[it was time]

peter couldn't get the tears to stop, they kept flowing under their own will as it seemed like someone had turned on the water faucet and forgot to switch it back off again. he felt his arms get heavy, his eyes get heavy, his legs get heavy, his heart get heavy as he collapses on the floor. too mentally and physically tired to get himself to stand back up again. as time progressed, he couldn't hear anything else except his own heaving and wailing.

he prayed silently that someone would come and save him and help him out and hug him until he felt better again. he wanted someone who was his friend to come. or just anyone in general.

but nobody came. peter was alone. he looked around once more before the realisation hit him again. he was completely and utterly alone. and he would be forever and ever until he died off old age or maybe even suicide depending on how sad his life got. now he just had to wait for his death to arrive and for him to be killed or for him to kill himself in a gruesome manner.

with all these thoughts rushing into his mind, there came more tears flooding and streaming down his cheeks. all he wanted was a friend who was genuinely there for him and for him being himself. peter managed to grasp his phone with his shaky hands and scroll down his whatsapp contacts to try and see if there was anyone he could talk to. spoiler alert: there was nobody. nobody there for him at all. although he appeared to have many friends, none of them would be prepared to come here and sit with him and take care of him until he felt better.

once his sobbing reduced to small sniffles and hiccups, he realised that he had nothing to do. nobody to call. why sit here and try to stop my crying when i could be ending my pain now? the small voice in the back of his mind slowly said, 'nobody is here for you. everyone's let go of you.' for once that voice didn't seem annoying or painful to listen to. its saddening words were a small comfort to the boy as he realised the voice had been right all along.

he needed to leave. his time had come to an end. quickly rushing over to his cramped study space, he got out a small scrap piece of paper and scribbled down an apology before dashing to his bathroom and trying to get out anything that could help his suicide.

for the first time ever, he felt the slightest bit of happiness and joy. everything was going to end. the tears, the being alone, the sadness, the pain. everything. a small smile found its way onto his face as he got out some of his aunt's pills she had lying around that had the words, DO NOT CONSUME OVER 2 TABLETS EACH DAY AND KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN.

the first warning he had to ignore because how else was he going to get rid of the pain? and as for the second warning - he didn't think it applied to him. his mind was well beyond his years. any other fifteen year old shouldn't have the thoughts he had or experience the feelings he felt or comply with the urges he felt. so he didn't really see himself as a fifteen year old.

with one final breath, he quickly downed each pill followed by a small sip of water to help wash it down his throat. peter coughed in between taking each pill but he knew it had to be done. there was nothing else he could do. eventually the whole bottle was consumed as he sat on the cold bathroom tiles and thought to himself and reflected on his life and his future dreams and hopes of becoming a parent and experiencing the happiness of raising his own child who would be nothing like him and his hope of getting a good education and getting a good job. all those dreams slowly faded away from his mind with every last breath he took.

his time was coming and he would be dead in a few minutes, maximum. he smiled to himself as he felt the tears come down once more. he wasn't really sure why he was crying but he didn't try to stop himself or do anything to try and muffle them. so what if someone was in the house and heard his gut-wrenching sobs? it was too late; he had downed a whole bottle of toxic pills. and it didn't even bother him one bit that he was actually doing this.

he had always told himself, 'i'm going to kill myself soon' but soon came and passed as he got too scared and chickened out each time. but now, even though his final straw was over something a bit silly, at least he was doing it.

in a few minutes, he felt himself coughing dangerously as blood came up and he spat it out. he continued sobbing more heavily as it hurt a lot. but it had to be done. there was no other way to end his pain once and for all. as a massive puddle of blood formed on the bathroom floor, he took another trip down memory lane and remembered all those happy moments he had.

with his aunt's friend's five year old daughter, he remembered dancing along to the music of uptown funk with her and then her slipping because the floor had just been cleaned but they both ended up laughing anyway. he remembered the moment his friends tried to push him down the zip wire at his seventh birthday party but failed miserably as he ended up going slow anyway but they all laughed it off.

usually when he tried to think about his good memories, his bad thoughts would come and intrude rudely and he had to pray to get those bad thoughts out of his mind. however, this time he would do anything to let them come and interrupt his brain. he didn't want the feeling of regret crawling up his back and into his mind, but it seemed like it already was. and there was nothing peter could do about it. he couldn't call someone on his phone because he left it in his room and felt too weak to get up. he couldn't yell out for help because his throat felt hoarse and hurt so bad.

he slowly felt his legs going numb and when he tried to get up, but he just fell down, he let out a blood-curdling scream of both realistion and fear. he was dying. actually dying and nobody could come and help him and sort him out and get him the medical help he currently craved and needed desperately.

he quickly ended up vomiting due to the feeling of sickness and saw nothing came up but blood and a bit of pasta, which was the last food he had eaten. in a desperate attempt to call out, he banged his hands against anything close to him to try and make a loud noise. to his dismay, nothing worked and he remained there still as his arms slowly went numb as well. no-one to save him.

the tears came streaming down again but faster and quadrupled the amount there was before. he didn't think this through! he wanted to live! he mumbled incoherent sentences to himself as more crying happened because of the immense pain he was feeling. he felt numb but at the same time, he felt like his body was on fire and somebody was crushing him under a building. a gruesome death. just like he had hoped for before when he was crying in his room. right now he would give anything to be alive and not have the feeling of death slowly but painfully trying to kidnap his soul out of his body.

nobody told him death would hurt this bad. just then his head turned to the empty pill bottle that had been tossed on the floor not too far from him. if he wasn't currently dying, it would be a piece of cake to grab the capsule bottle and read the contents. using all his strength and might, he managed to grab the bottle and rotate it so he could read what it was for. it included lidocaine, which he remembered learning about in science class. it was a drug used to numb the body! he suddenly felt very stupid for not reading what the pills were about.

it was too late though. he was dying and his limbs were placed in an uncomfortable looking state and his clothes were covered in red blood. he could feel himself becoming more and more light-headed. it was coming. it was time for peter to go. he didn't want to go, but there was nothing else he could do.

when his eyelids became too heavy to keep open and everything in his sight was being doubled, he let them close and let darkness take over him. his mind became blank as he felt himself slowly dissociating with the world in general. it was time. and he knew it. 

[yeonniesblog]

“omi! Psst!” you whispered to the curly haired man walking beside you, he looked perfect as always, wrinkle free shirt with with sleeves rolled up to his elbows, the outline of the veins on his arms visible for the other girls to drool over.

no you didn't like that, at all. as the one quote you always follow be ‘petty and don't forgive’, which you probably made up on the spot as your eyebrows furrowed focusing on kiyoomi’s arm.

only you are the one who can drool over omi's hot arms not some random female version of Miya. “it's cold isn't it” you mumbled to him, shooting other girls few glares here and there “omi do you want me to get you my jacket”

“y/n” he softly mumbled your name from behind his mask, as you continued to look back and fumble some coherent words to those hyenas who you know all too well wore those short skirt to impress someone. “it's a summer noon” he turned you around to face him as you both came to the empty space near the stairs.

finally somewhere not crowded. You opened your mouth to give a really non convincing excuse such as ‘how people are getting herpes due to not covering themselves up in summer’ but he interrupted. He should be glad he is too pretty that you let him interrupt you.

“and your jacket won't fit me”

“does that mean if it did fit you would have worn it” you asked him with sparkly eyes, and a smirk on your lips as you wiggled your brows. A little pinkish tone over both the teenagers cheeks as the taller one shook his head.

“stupid” he flicked your temple as a wince escaped your mouth, hands rubbing aggressively at the spot he hit immediately, as you told him ‘fuck you’ respectfully ofcourse and you may have meant the statement literally too. You rolled your eyes leaving him to stand there.

a small smile formed on the later's lips watching you walk away from him, frowning and growling to yourself as he saw your steps halter after going few steps down the stairs, stopping for him to catch up to you. Sakusa kiyoomi won't admit it ever but maybe he thinks you are adorable when you looked annoyed.

He stomped swiftly towards you, as the tall frame stood beside you immediately. perks of having long legs. “bruh what's this” you pointed at the sign which was placed before the second half pair of the staircase.

“I knew you were dumb but didn't realise you couldn't read” he slightly pulled down his mask looking at the sign then looking back at you. His lips formed into a small smirk. God he looks so hot doing that.

“I CAN READ” you shot him a glare as he smirked at you taking out your glasses from you left pocket. glasses made you kind of cute. another thing which he won't probably admit.

“slippery floor with paint ahead, step down cautiously” you repeated reading the red line in bold letters, moving your eyes on the stairs below you, only a little portion of it was dry other was soaking due to greased paint they used. You tighten your lips, that explains the long line infront of the elevator.

You looked back at kiyoomi he looked exasperated that his shoes might get dirty his lips formed in a frown as he grumbled. “let's just use the stairs I am not gonna gets squished between those sweaty highschoolers in the elevators” he side-eyed you, mumbling while he stepped on the edge of stairs, his back hitting against the railing. Looking through his long lashes back to you.

You huffed stepping forward, the space left between the grease painted stairs and rails was not even enough to keep your foot sideways. Balancing yourself, you started to slowly step down, half body kind of hanging off the edges. Hands hesistantely trying to grab the pale ones infront of you.

Even being the only friend of sakusa, except komori in his class, you knew your boundaries and his limits. And being the most messiest person he even acknowledged, you were pretty sure he wouldn't want to have much physical contact with you. but still in a not so difficult situation you ached to take the support of his hand as they moved little by little away from you.

but what made you look up at the itachiyama's ace with widened eyes, feeling the time being stopped as heat started to crawl up your neck and spread your cheeks was when the colder hands met against the warm palm of your, grabbing them tightly. “stupid” he commented as he supported you getting off the stairs, his face avoiding yours trying to suppress the feeling of heat burning his cheeks.

“that's like the eleventh time you called me stupid today” you muttered off, patting the dust off your ass. Hands taking out the gummy bears out of your skirt pocket, they look squished which made sakusa scrunch up his nose.

“Cause you act like one” He rolled his eyes starting to walk again towards the next floor, maybe hopping this part of the stair was also greasy so he can hold your hands again.

“I have a feeling you saved my contact as stupid” you followed him, hands behind your back, mouth chewing the squished candy while leaning to look at his face properly.

“no it's 'a piece of trash' ” he muttered grinning a little under his black mask, observing your startled expression with squinted eyes. though the name was ended with small '<3' he wasn't gonna reveal that.

placing a slap on his arms playfully, you scrunched up your face “wasn't it atsumu's name in your contact” you asked feeling offended, maybe you were petty and messy sometimes but definitely not a piece of trash.

“actually for him it's 'a piece of shit'” he wondered back to the piss blond's contact who once was successful to change his contact name as 'the most handsome guy I know', on sakusa’s phone. but when omi's mom saw the terrifying nickname and questioned omi if he was gay, his contact was changed from simply 'miya atsumu' to 'piece of shit' forever.

Your mouth formed in the shape of ‘o’ as you nodded to yourself remembering his name but still you aren't going to forgive sakusa for keeping your name as piece of trash. “why am I named as that though” you quirked your brow, tugging his shirt backwards a little bit but that didn't buldge him. at all. ugh freaking atheles.

“maybe if you didn't behave like one” the small hidden smile is still tugging on his lips, the poker faced athlete who usually at most has a disgusted and annoyed expression on his face, kind of always smiles around you even if it's secretly. He believes it's like a involuntary reaction but Sakusa is smarter than that to know what was this about.

“hey what's that supposed to mean” you faked a frowned, hands fiddling in your pocket.

“honestly you do behave like a piece of trash. All the time” he stopped you, a serious look doomed over his playful comment that it actually makes you think that maybe sakusa kiyoomi didn't like being your friend. which was kind of true, he didn't like being only friends with you.

“but” he stopped, taking your hands in his palms, his action startling you. your cheeks were getting a little warm. Damn when Sakusa kiyoomi was near you, you didn't need makeup to make you look red. You looked up at his face, his curls falling over his dark black eyes which always had a spark in them even if some people would comment it was dull.

“As i am someone who deeply cares about the environment” he pulled down his mask with his other hand, inching a little closer towards you as he leaned to lower himself to meet your gaze. He was blushing furiously too but not a ounce of nervousness on his face. Who was this sakusa?

“I am obliged to pick you up. Is 6 pm okay with you?”

what in the world just happened— your head was spinning at this point, no not because you could feel his minty breath on your skin or he can feel your strawberry flavored candy no. But did just sakusa kiyoomi ask you out??? With the smoothest and most bizarre pickup line to—

You mouthed a ‘YES’ cause good lord you couldn't speak. He arched his brow, standing straight, but his hands in yours still. They fitted perfectly together. “is that a no?" he teased with a smirk, knowing all too well you said yes. Someone seriously drugged your omi but boi oh boi you liked this smooth motherfucker too.

“no what the fuck i said yes” you yelled back immediately, okay maybe that made you look a little desperate but who cares he asked you on a date.

He responded with a chuckle, getting back to walking while pulling you with his soft well kept hands to the cafeteria. Two blushing teenagers who looked just like they came out of a shoju magna lovestruck.

“oh btw y/n I changed your contact” sakusa said looking at you through his lashes, swiftly texting something to his teammate.

“please tell me it's something cute” you chanted from across the table, hands stopped from picking up the burger from your plate.

“it's mosquito” he puts his phone aside, the same fond smile on his face coming back when he sees you scrunch up your face. It's actually ‘my mosquito <3’ but he let the ‘my’ and ‘heart’ be silent.

“why the fuck” you slammed your hand on the table, mouth opening and closing uselessly to say a good comeback but dear you saved him as ‘pretty boy’ but now you regret not saving him as the ‘grumpy dude from my class’.

“next time you drool over my veins you shouldn’t be that obvious, my love” embarrassed that's what you were, no one caughts you SIMPING not even your now new boyfriend. Guess its time to plan how to hide his body.

“I so do not”

“you act like you want to suck my blood through the veins, be for real”

[starshipsofstarlord]

Stuck in 1903

Part Two

Masterlist

Summary: Damon and Bonnie had come to your rescue, or so you thought, but it is Kai’s every intention to get close to you again

Pairing: Kai Parker x reader

Warnings: angst, smidge of fluff, mentions of smut, mentions of death, mentions of murder, bad friendships, mentions of poison, swearing

Word Count: 2052

Find Part One Here

divider by @firefly-graphics

If the Other Side continued to exist, then you would be there rather than this subordinate prison world which had been designed for one bad witch. Kai's own kind feared him, you had experienced him mentally draining your energy, he was a chore to put up with, but he could do much more than that, you had learnt from Bonnie. He fed off magic, physically stealing it from bodies and items that harboured any of it, which had poisoned his mind to hunt for power. Your friends had informed you that he had murdered his siblings, well some of them anyway, and had attempted to do so to more of them. And now you knew, with supporting evidence, never to trust Malakai Parker.

Without Damon and Bonnie you had to resort to fending for yourself, which was not at all difficult since this version of Mystic Falls that you were trapped in was quite literally a ghost town. The forever enveloping silence was torture, though the method of ignorance had not been designed for you; it was all for Kai, and that unsettled you. There was one more thing that you had been dreading - the possibility that you could not escape from the remote isolation without the aid of the guest starring siphon himself. This hell was built to contain him for eternity, but now there was magic that he could use to his own advantage nearby.

Your cheek rested upon the side of your hand, mushing the flesh whilst your elbow was poised upon the countertop of the kitchen island in the Salvatore house. All of your concentration validated your deep thoughts, of which you were broken from as a plate was placed directly in front of you, a pancake decorated with chocolate chips and syrup to form a smiley face. Damon was the culprit as he threw a tea towel over his shoulder, expectedly looking at you.

"I'm not hungry." You informed the vampire, who simply frowned at your lack of an appetite. "I ate yesterday, which was technically today." Beneath the table, you crossed your ankles, as you earnt a sigh from your well aged friend; he clearly was not impressed by your behaviour. But you didn't know what he had expected from you, you had been trapped here for longer than you could remember, and alone until you had discovered the man that had been outcast by his own family. At the time you had not known of his murderous tendencies, and had wanted nothing more than to get away from him, and you wouldn't like to admit it but you even missed him a little.

He was annoying and cocky, and withheld crucial information from you, though there was something that contradicted that all. Whenever any one of your friends had suffered the fate of death, they were always attempted to be brought back to life against the natural order of things. It made you wonder and doubt a little if they had even tried to resurrect you. In this separated reality, there was no jurisdiction so that you could know, though each time that either Damon or Bonnie looked at you, you could swear that there was guilt written in their gazes.

"Look I knew being stuck here with Kai must have fucked you up-" he should have bit his lip, his assumptions were anything but correct. And that was proven as you defensively darted out of your seat and jabbed your finger in his face, making him pivot his jaw back. There were many things that were 'fucked up', and supposing that you were one of them because you had died after sacrificing yourself to ensure that they all continued to live just didn't settle right with you. The context of the morbid situation did not help with condoning any reassurance at all, in fact, it gave a spine to your lack of faith in him and the others in the first place. Out of everyone, it was inherently worse to be here with Damon, all he had cared about was his precious Elena as well as himself, and after existing for well over a century, that was insurance that he was never going to change.

"It wasn't him who did that to me, it was roaming this damned place by myself, I had no one. And as crazy as it sounds, I think spending time with the notorious Malakai Parker helped me keep what was to spare of my sanity. If I'm not wrong, I may even say that I've found more being here than dealing with the bullshit y'all cause back home." Perhaps your words were a tad harsh, if Bonnie were in the room you were sure that she'd have a somewhat understanding of what you were saying. Though she was not, and thus you had to deal with the harshness of her best friend all by your lonesome. And it seemed that you had rattled him, apparently he couldn't handle the truth.

"Then why don't you run back to the sociopath? When we discovered that you were here, we found the pair of you attached to the hip anyways. And with him inside of you, I'd never seen you so darn happy, better here with him than tempting me to drink bleach from the way that you constantly complained when you were alive; I swear you were worse than Donovan." It was on your mind's own command for you to take a step back, and away from the toxin that Damon had so cruelly spat at you. Ans the way that he compared you to Matt made you angry; it was though he were ignoring that there were valid reasons for the blond to be the way that he was - after all, the monster before you had practically killed his sister. A laugh renegaded out from your mouth as you realised that you had been right all along, none of them cared. You were just a burden that stopped them from having a perfect life together. If this were a book, then this would be the beginning to your villain arc, and ironically enough Damon saw himself as one of the good guys. Now that was utterly ridiculous after every reckless thing that he had ever done!

"Have it your way then bloodsucker." All along, you should have trusted your guy, and from now on you knew that you would listen to it. And strangely enough, it was calling you to Kai, maybe it was because he was your last resort to escaping this imprisonment that had been meant for him alone. Turning on your heel, you heard Damon flop the towel down on the side and sigh, though you continued to walk, appeasing your better judgement elsewhere. "Wait." He tried to convince you to stay, belatedly understanding the mistake that he had made, but it was no use, you were already on your journey of getting as far away as possible from him.

The Mystic Grill, it remained to be familiar in your eyes as you entered. It was empty and void of drunken assholes and narcissists that you had wasted too much time on. The only person that you missed in the modern alternative was Matt Donovan, he was the only person that didn't treat you as though you were invisible or a nuisance. You wondered how he was coping with your absence, knowing him, he was probably relieved that Damon was gone. But you weren't, because he was here with you instead. Trailing your fingertips over the counter of the bar, out of the corner of your eye you saw a lonely glass of bourbon that was sat there as though it were lamenting you with mockery. You tried to hold your sentimental sob inside, but it was practically impossible. It tore through your body, bellowing out from your mouth as you stifled and fought through your tears.

A hand caressed the landscape of your back causing you to jump and flinch from the unexpected contact. One thing that you had learnt from evading and eventually experiencing the qualms of death, was that you could never be too careful. For no more than a second you had predicted that the intruder to your pity party was Damon, that he had followed you as you tried to distance yourself from him, but alas it was not, instead of being greeted by a fretless vampire, you were condemned by the sight of a powerless witch, of whom had purposely interjected your moment of cracked emotion and wore a brave smile for you. Wiping your eyes with the back of your sleeves, you couldn't help but snap at him. "If you're here to finish what we started then tough luck Parker, you've been here long enough and you have two hands, figure something else out."

His tongue darted out to swipe at his own bottom lip, as he raised his hand, showcasing his offering to you. "I was only going to see if you wanted a pork rind, you look like you could use one." Sighing, you dug your hand into the pungent packet that was littered with dust and crumbs, retrieving a few treats for yourself as you placed them in your mouth. "And now should be when the poison kicks in..." With your hand, you gave him a little shove as you tolled your eyes at his homicidal comedy. "Come on, that was funny! I'm funny!"

"If you say so, there's not very many people around to give you an honest opinion." It was true, the only other human like lifeforms impartially close by were Damon and Bonnie, and well, you weren't going to scurry back to them anytime soon. "And if you had poisoned me, then you would know that I would be fine and dandy in not so long, It wouldn't make a difference if that wasn't the case either, I mean I'm already dead, what could be worse than that?" Kai looked at you with shock; he didn't know that about you, that you had actually suffered a final breath. Now he thought about it, the grand scheme of things he didn't know much about you in general, though he was prepared to learn. He had often found death to be fulfilling, satisfying even, but he'd never thought about its victims being so beautiful. Yet here you were before him, by chance the one force that could motivate and help him find a way out of this jarring hole of reaping misery.

"You're here, that's all that matters." As soon as those words fled from his lips he realised exactly what he had said, and a blush framed his features. "I um - that wasn't what I - you know, yeah..." He scratched the back of his neck as you shook your head at this new side that you were seeing of Malakai. His parents called him Malakai, of course he was going to become a killer, but right now you saw nothing more than an embarrassed boy whose skin had flushed as an affect of his own words. From your experience, everyone was either the killer or the killed - you two were one of each. Like ying and yang, you fit perfectly, it was a balanced divide that was settled on whichever rhythm played out in the air. And to correspond with that thought you walked over to the jukebox, a song beginning to play which made Kai want to cover his ears. "I hate this song." He told you; he really did, if he could murder it, he would without a doubt.

"Then don't listen, just dance with me." You extended your hands out to him, to which he begrudgingly reached for. And as he snapped his eyes open, he realised that was all a memory, and that goddamn song was still playing. All he could think about was you, he had seen how upset you had been to die, and yet you were gone again, and it was all down to your so called friends. One was standing before him as he sat in chains, imprisoned against a chair. "Are you here to punish me?" He asked Bonnie, wanting nothing more than shut his eyes and see your face again.

[moon-lixie]

"Were you this touch deprived?" The amusement could be easily missed in between the calm of your voice that threatened to melt under his fingertips.

"Yes," he answered immediately, no time for thinking needed, "when it comes to you I'm always touch deprived, I can never get enough of you."

word count: 1.970k

genre: fluff, Hyunjin x gn reader.

song: Wrong About Forever - Jeff Bernat

Every great waltz has its spins that make you feel like you're flying as the music pushes you further, Hyunjin wasn't a stranger to this concept, nor was he ignorant to the part in which the two people dancing move apart, stretching their arms as far apart as physically possible while their hands stay clasped together.

He, more than anybody, knew what it was to dance, to give yourself to music and get lost quicker than he could even realise.

What he wasn't familiar with were the matters of the heart, at that he had always been clumsy and hesitant, comparing love to a dance.

That's exactly why he could never understand when you walked away; his mind couldn't wrap itself around the concept of you leaving for good, in his heart there was always hope for a last dance.

Your face was carved into his memory, he could draw your every feature down on paper as easily as he could dance with his eyes closed.

Loving you wasn't a rational decision, it was an impulse, something he had grown to adore despite the difficulties it brought along.

The music filling the room suddenly faded, leaving behind the thrumming of his heart reverberating in his eardrums.

He had to admit there was always a bitter taste when that moment arrived, his body not being able to push any further and the music coming to an end.

If it was his decision then he would spend every second of his life doing the things that he loved, without the need of a break, without knowing what an ending meant.

But wishful thinking only ended up hurting his heart, bruising it carelessly as if he wasn't the type to hope on behalf of the entire world.

With a loud exhale he allowed himself to relax, shoulders loosening and eyes opening slowly, as if rushing through the process would be a mistake.

The first thing he saw was his reflection, the rolled sleeves of his shirt, hair clamped together on the front of his face because of his effort, lips parted and chasing an extra breath.

His surroundings were one of those places that gave comfort due to the long time it had been the background of his happiness, his passion for what he did had been sprawled all across the room.

Dragging his feet across the wooden floor, he scrambled to gather his things, barely remembering to grab his phone that had been discarded on the couch when he arrived if it hadn't been for the light buzzing sound coming from it.

The device loomed like a threat over his heart, having the ability to mend everything or put an end to one of those things he loved with an inimaginable fervor.

An unseen message had been sent in blue, waiting impatiently despite not being the first one sent between the both of you.

You had contacted him first; after two weeks of radio silence you had sent four words his way, typical of you.

'Can I call you?' It was unknown to him how long he had spent staring at the dark screen, forcing his eyes to trace the eleven characters that shaped your unorthodox way of asking for forgiveness.

Forgiveness for what? That he no longer knew, perhaps this time you had gotten scared of how ever so well you two worked together and that's why you had decided to walk away, or maybe there was a chance you had just gotten tired of him, again.

The game the both of you played didn't feel like the typical love he saw portrayed in movies but he couldn't find it in him to care, after all, dancing around you had never bothered him in the slightest.

With trembling fingers he had typed an answer, one word, three letters, a simple affirmation.

He tried to be quick, direct and concise; searching the deepest corners of his mind for the answer that could please you the most and immediately regretting the dry response.

But what had been done already wasn't something that should trouble his mind, even if it came to you, the person he craved to have by his side the most.

So, he had abandoned the mobile as soon as he stepped foot in the dance studio, leaving it screen against the couch in hopes that would soothe his anxious heart if only for long enough to enjoy his dancing.

Now that it buzzed with the call that could be the one he couldn't help but walk cautiously forward and take deep breaths before picking up.

"You're done with dance practice, right?" If he had ever wanted to get high on something, it was your voice, along with every single detail about you.

His lips curled into a satisfied smile. "Oh, so you do remember my number?"

A dry chuckle resonated on the line, forcing his mind to picture the scowl twisting the features of your beautiful face, portraying the guilt you never owned up to in front of him.

"Are you free?" Of course you would dodge his comment, but yet again, he couldn't bring himself to care, simply humming in affirmation.

"Okay, then see you in a bit."

Dumbfounded, an amused laugh found its way out of his lips. "Should I know what you mean by that?"

The harmless exasperation painted itself across your every word as you answered. "Do I really need to spell it out for you, Hwang?"

He was inexperienced when it came to love, very much so, but he was an expert when it came to you, always knowing what you meant, what you wanted, the things you needed.

Walking in the direction to your apartment he answered, "I'm afraid yes, I can't know what you mean if you don't explain it, now can I?"

You laughed annoyed, staying in silence for a moment; he couldn't have pushed things far enough yet, he could never, because you happened to love him just as much as he loved you.

"I miss you, okay? Happy now?"

"Very," he said, lips curling in a lovesick grin that shielded him even from the way you abruptly ended the call.

No matter how much you tried to walk away from him, suddenly cutting yourself from his life, you always came back, always stayed in the tiniest of details around him.

Perhaps that had been his mistake, to accept you even with that quirk of getting cold feet, because if only he had stopped it at once then it wouldn't have become a habit, a necessary routine.

But to love is to get tangled so awfully that you can't find your way out, only further falling into the mess of affection and longing.

The two of you just had your special way of working and tackling things, for instance, you hadn't talked to him for half a month and still your spare key remained under the pot of his favourite flower of yours.

Victory grin plastered on, he reached for the metal piece, opening the door of your apartment as if it were his very own home.

Alerted by his steps at the entrance you came to greet him, arms crossed over your chest as if to keep a final barrier between you and the man that owned your heart.

"I missed you too." Was the very first thing he said once he found your eyes staring right at his; it made you smile and he felt accomplished.

"Of course you did." His words melted you in an instant, making you move closer to him and take his hand in yours. "You always do."

And how could he not? How could he bring himself not to miss someone like you? Someone whose mere presence was intoxicating, seeping inside his muscles and veins, putting his being at ease.

Gently, he allowed the pads of his fingers to trace the outline of your nose, your lips, your chin, before leaning in towards you.

A firm hand against his chest stopped him on his track, causing a question to paint his face with confusion.

"You're all sweaty and you stink." You scrunched your nose adorably, as if actually bothered by his smell. "Go take a shower."

"But I want to kiss you first." A pout made his lips stand out, well aware that it sometimes worked wonders with convincing you.

"Nope, no kisses while you're all smelly." And just like that the both of you were back to normal, not caring to drag things for longer than they should with explanations or apologies that fell into deaf ears.

Against your petition he moved forward and embraced you in his arms, suddenly set on stone in making you squeal in complaint.

Moments later dragging you towards the bathroom despite the verbal refusal that didn't match with your eager steps trailing behind him.

Leaving his things forgotten on the entrance along with whatever fear he had harbored in his heart about this time being the time you would leave his side for good, he closed the bathroom door and kissed you.

Your lips felt unfairly soft against his, warm as a blanket that shielded people from every possible unfavorable outcome life could have prepared for them.

Sure hands moving to clasp on the hem of your shirt, slowly moving it upwards the further he got lost into the kiss.

Piece by piece he undressed the both of you until you were down to heart and soul, truths lying bare for eyes to pry and discover the biggest vulnerability in them.

Knowing the place as well enough as his own home, he turned around to set the water into the perfect temperature for the both of you, never cold.

Then he led you like you needed to be held, careful and attentive, eyes never leaving yours in a new attempt to learn every detail embedded in your pupils.

He turned you around, pressing your back against his chest and hugging you close until there was no space in between, his lips finding the way to your shoulder, pressing soft kisses meant to fix any remnants of doubt.

"Were you this touch deprived?" The amusement could be easily missed in between the calm of your voice that threatened to melt under his fingertips.

"Yes," he answered immediately, no time for thinking needed, "when it comes to you I'm always touch deprived, I can never get enough of you."

He couldn't be more honest even if he was asked to testify in court and make a pledge that allowed him to say nothing but the absolute truth, because he loved you with an intensity that sometimes could be mistaken as meek due to it's soft and innocent nature.

Hyunjin loved you the way someone loves something unobtainable, innocent and patiently, willing to wait entire lifetimes for stars to align and give him the pleasure of being in your presence.

Your hands moved to rest atop his where they were clasped together against your bare torso, thumbs escaping to rub soothing circles into your skin.

Trailing kisses up your neck he allowed himself to hope that every one of his touches reverberated with warmth all the way to your heart in the same fashion that yours did to him.

For you he would learn how to love properly, he would even understand to let go if that was what you truly wanted at some point in the future.

"I love you." The words felt like dripping honey as they slipped in between his lips for the very first time.

"I love you too," you answered, not even leaving time for him to panic at the sudden frankness with which his deepest sentiment had been revealed.

For a love like yours, he would always wait, always fight to make things better.

[pedrosbrat]

Sorrow You Are My Light {Pero Tovar x Max Phillips x F!Reader}

CHAPTER I : Insomnia

AU - Vampire Hunters

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 4.9k

Warnings: Angst, Nightmares, Language, alcohol, yearning, violence (fight) , mention of murder, sword, blood …

Summary: You and Pero were united by fate in your youth due to a tragic event. You will seek revenge from the creature that caused your common suffering all your life without success... Until you cross paths with Max Philips, forcing you to form an alliance with an enemy to destroy a common foe...

Little Comment : Hi everyone, it’s my first series, I hope you will like it (if you see any mistakes let me know and I will correct it) - 1 chapter will be published every week, every Saturday⚔️ Enjoy!

Series Masterlist

1440- Transylvania

You have been travelling on horseback for a little more than two days now, with a weather changing from very hot to very rainy, and usually it doesn't bother you, at least not really, because Pero has the decency to take breaks, it has always been like that. But for the first time in decades of travelling together, he has refused to take any breaks, because he says you are close to the goal.

You can understand it, and you feel it too, but you would still like to be able to rest, not feeling your legs or even feeling your buttocks... You don't even know if you don't feel them anymore because of the total absence of sensation from sitting on your horse for this long, or if the pain you felt yesterday has taken over and has become a friend, and the only company you feel at this moment.

Because despite his presence, Pero is far too absorbed in the mission. This is nothing new, in fact, he has always been like this, only usually he has the good sense to admit that sleep is important for a good fight, as well as a somewhat adequate physical form...

"If we are attacked by a vampire now Pero I won't be able to fight". You say as you catch up to him slightly at a gallop. "Stop complaining," he says, slightly grumpier than his natural temperament, which is bound to be an effect of lack of sleep. "I'm not complaining, I'm just right! You know very well that the lack of rest will eventually kill us, if it is not the horses that die long before us! You say, slightly annoyed by his behaviour.

He stopped short, and turned to face you, grimacing, probably aching and exhausted, unconsciously proving your point: "If he runs away, he'll kill more people! You seem to forget what this thing is capable of!" "Forget?!" you say, widening your eyes, increasingly annoyed.

Vampires: demonic beings that have occupied the lands of your country since your childhood. At first, in your youth, their presence was only a myth, which some people described as mad swore they had seen, but as time went on, the world realised that it was all real. These decaying beings, who have no chance of finding the light again, their gaze completely absorbed in the darkness, surrounded by veins resembling the shade of smoke enveloping the sky and covering all traces of the sun. They are the shadows that will hide the light of all normal life since your youth... Since that night sixteen years ago...

You know that Pero can be stubborn, but he is not so deeply stubborn that he tries to pretend to anyone who doesn't know him, although he hides it quite well, he is a gentle man and a good man... Except when he really decides otherwise, as he has done for the last forty-eight hours. So you don't try to argue or have a simple debate with him on the subject, because you know very well what he's talking about and you don't want to talk about it... You've already had enough nightmares since you were a child, so you don't need that.

You gallop alone towards the big city, from where you are not so far now, determined to make a big turn, to let your horse rest, and to rest at the same time in a real bed, and not stones under a sheet for a pillow or an old tavern of the village where you were hunting.

It doesn't matter if he follows you or not, you're far too tired and suffering to care at the moment, and being a very good tracker, you know you'll be able to find him if only a few hours separate you from each other, and at least you'll be able to fight effectively if something happens.

⊱•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ •⊰

The city is not as jovial as it usually is. You don't know why, of course, but there's a sort of silent restlessness that mingles with an almost empty square, leaving a black shadow over all those little houses, like a feeling deep inside you that you can see floating over the city.

"Anything interesting in the sky Paloma?"

You turn, coming out of the thoughts that had completely absorbed you, to find that Pero is at your side, handing you a piece of cheese, which he must have bought at the entrance of the city, and that you grab without hesitation the rumbling belly for any substitute of food... His way of apologizing and telling you that you are right, even if he will never admit it out loud...

Pero will never admit it, but he doesn't like to see you turning your back on him. He likes your presence, even if he doesn't express it, he likes to see you smiling, annoying him, lecturing him. He likes the way you've been waddling around on your horse for the last few days, and he knows it's only because of the pain he's putting you through, and that he shouldn't like to see that, he feels a little bad about it at times.... But you are so beautiful... And that ass, God only knows how many times he's dreamed of it bouncing off him...

"Nothing special, just a bad feeling" you say, taking a bite of the end of your feeble dish, "...I don't really believe in feelings you know, but for once I have to give it to you..." he says, kicking the sides of his horse to start galloping "No we should let the king know we're back, maybe he'll explain what's going on.

You nod and follow him, speeding up in your turn, not missing the crosses on the front of each house, as well as some silver objects in front of the windows, which normally would have been looted by the small thieves of the city, but even they don't seem to want to touch them... You start to understand what is going on but don't go forward, hoping that the bad luck hasn't come to your place of living once again, where you and Tovar have decided to stay for more than two years now.

⊱•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ •⊰

The throne room which is usually decorated with berries on every table, and bright silk draperies falling from the chandeliers to the ceiling, adorning the sides of the windows are not present, leaving the room in a dullness and sadness that the king and queen usually do not like. But they don't seem to mind, in fact in this room where all the lords are gorging themselves and filling up, they think it is much more agitated than the atmosphere outside. An almost incomprehensible hubbub envelops the room, leaving the king before you, not uttering a word, eyes fixed on you, nodding towards a guard at the back of the room, leading to the inner corridors of the castle, a neutral look on his face, leaving his wife and lords to shout complaints and fears into every ear.

He stands up curtly as the others in the room don't take the decency to stop talking as they usually would, leaving the king to walk out the back door, with you on his heels.

"Where were you?!" He says before you can even close the door to the large hallway, "On the trail of one of them my king" Pero says, bowing his head slightly. "And?" Said the king as he placed his index finger and thumb on his nose, as if trying to relieve a headache. "We had a trail... But we got away from it because of me" you say as you look the king in the eye, not flinching, assuming that a disaster may be looming over the city because of you.

The king doesn't answer and starts pacing in front of you before continuing silently, in a calm and gentle manner that must have always been endowed with "It's nothing... I think you might have guessed it when you returned to the city, but one of them is attacking an area near here..." "And no one was AVAILABLE to stop it?... Dios mío..." says pero a little annoyed that everyone is waiting on you two. "Oh, there were many volunteers... But none came back."

You turn your gaze to Tovar understanding without him actually saying it, what the king is asking you. He nods and you do the same before turning to the king, "Where? Where did you send them?" you say, already beginning to think you're going to regret it, "The Singing Mountain... There was... If you had seen what happened there...".

He couldn't finish his sentence and squinted hard, as if to chase away painful memories buried behind his eyelids. "We've seen it all our lives," Pero said before bowing and walking out to cross the throne room. You do the same, "It will be dark soon, we can't leave now, it would be too dangerous. But at dawn we'll get started. You don't share any contact with him, out of royal respect, and simply turn on your heels to join Pero, already far away, probably thinking of a plan for tomorrow.

⊱•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ •⊰

Your little house is on the outskirts of the village, a little out of the way, not that you don't like the presence of other people, but you are simply used to living like this: just the two of you.

You had already tried to live in separate houses in the village when you arrived two years ago, but every night was cut short by panicked screams and the search for comforting warmth next to you, visions and nightmares that you hadn't had in years, memories that were buried in the depths of your mind, every moment and every night that you spent in Pero's arms.

And you know that it was the same for him, even if he never mentioned it. He didn't have to. The simple fact that he would leave his house at one end of town in the middle of the night to join you under the sheets without saying anything and just let you snuggle up to him as you have done since you were children. So, you drifted away from the villagers, refusing to attach yourself to anyone else, only needing each other, sleeping together to hunt and seek comfort from the demons that plague you both when night falls. And sometimes even sharing each other's presence you feel that you are missing something... It's weird, and you don't know what it is. You don't talk about it... But you both feel it as well...

After setting up silver dust, under foliage all around your home and bringing back some stew that an old lady gave you in the village, thanking you for protecting them, and drinking a large pint of beer that Pero had left out in the house, you both finish your well-deserved meal in silence, savouring every mouthful of stew with a deliciousness like you've never tasted before... Or maybe you're just so hungry that everything would seem like a delicacy right now.

The same goes for the bed, having obviously finished before Pero who always takes a second bite and calls you "paloma", which according to what he told you simply means that you don't eat much for someone who is always crying out for food, like a little bird. You quickly head for your room so that you can have a nice bath without being disturbed by his lack of patience who you know would be there asking you every thirty seconds if you were almost finished, wanting to take a bath as well. So you were able to enjoy it fully until the water cooled, letting your muscles relax from the tumultuous journey and the stress dissolve for a short moment you cherished.

"I heard people talking about this mountain when we first arrived..." says Pero from the bathroom, waking you from your near sleep, now lying on the bed "Mmmh..." you reply far too tired to utter a word. Eyes still closed, you sit up slightly, knowing that he won't stop there. "The villagers always said that the devil lived in his heart... I didn't really pay attention to it, since there was never a murder... At least until now.”

You open your eyes hearing his voice much closer than it was a few seconds ago, and the reason being that he is standing by the bed, with only a sheet around his hips, placing his weapons beside him as he always does before going to bed. And for your part you try to look away as you always do before going to bed. At least when you sleep in a bed with him. At first it was quite simple and automatic not to look at him when you were younger and when he is only "dressed" like that... But lately it has become quite difficult... It has become quite difficult to avoid the vision of his broad shoulders and that torso getting thinner and thinner towards his waist, that aqualine nose that you imagine between your legs, before placing kisses on it as on his perfect lips and this goddamn perfect little line on it... And that scar on his beautiful obsidian black puppy-dog eyes, even if you're almost sure he doesn't like it, that scar on his face...That scar gives him a crazy charm... And everytime it become impossible to avoid to look at the droplets falling from his deep chocolate curls, sliding down that nape of his neck that you wish you could mark with your lips, to end up around his pure silver cross, shining on his golden and bronze skin...

It's become so hard to ignore this man who's practically become a god under your hungry eyes, as hard as it is to ignore the coming arousal that you feel between your legs as you watch him walk around in his armor or the mere sight of the veins and muscles in his neck give you unholy thoughts...

You turn around and help yourself to your sheets, crossing your legs to try and forget what you'd like him to do to you in that room and bed right now, thinking about how you probably wouldn't have the energy for it, and you fall asleep quicker than you thought you would, already with your mind bent on what you might find on that mountain tomorrow...

Pero watches your body rise and fall slightly with every breath you take and exhale, as he has been doing every night for the past few years... Since he was old enough to understand that you were no longer just a friend to him, that he was no longer indifferent to your curves, that he would watch you come out of the bathroom out of the corner of his eye and bend over the bed to admire your buttocks that he always imagined grabbing tightly in his hands... But he never did and was content to watch you fall asleep with your back to him, now that he can no longer see you come out with a simple sheet around you, your hair wet and your skin steaming from the good bath he would have liked to share with you... He is only content to fall asleep following your breaths, wanting deep down, much more of his Paloma...

⊱•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ •⊰

You have galloped and walked all day to get to this cursed place, making you arrive around mid-day, when the sun begins its descent towards the west.

The forest is not dancing as usual, and the birds, being the reason why this mountain is called the singing mountain by their chirping, have seemingly disappeared singing no more from this cursed place under a river now red with blood. A putrid, foul smell that you can't miss is present on the scene. No bodies. Lots of blood.

"I've never seen this..."

You don't respond to his remark, but you know exactly what he is talking about. A river turned red with blood, accompanied by the smell of death, yet showing no sign of a body near the water or even in the forest you've just passed through.

Vampires kill, and abandon the corpse, having no interest in keeping the body, or if they really want a use for it, they transform the person, but in this case if, the smell of decomposing corpse and the river of blood should not be present at the scene.

"I don't like this Pero...".

He doesn't answer and just grunts before pulling out his sword and pushing you back slightly. You do the same and pull out your sword, never having doubted his ability to sense the presence of another being, other than the two of you. "It's not dark enough for it to be one," you say, watching carefully around you. "The king would never send his men out in the middle of the night," he says, passing you some silver powder. "How..."

You don't finish your sentence and freeze. Your hands tighten on the hilt of your sword, and you look into the shadows of the forest at the glowing yellow eye sockets. A man you can't make out is watching you without moving. Pero notices this too and pushes you behind him, instinctively as he does every time, even though he knows you can defend yourself, he never misses an opportunity to throw himself between you and the danger... And you will do the same for him when the opportunity arises.

"Come here!" he shouted with a smile, taunting this bloodsucking bastard, who for his part did not move a muscle. He's watching both you, and you're getting more and more worried, not understanding why he's not attacking you, as they all do. This is not a usual behaviour from them... What is going on here...

Your question evaporates as he evaporates, not approaching you, or attacking you. You tug lightly on Pero's arm, asking him to return to the horse. He didn't insist and followed you, sword in hand, running and climbing on the horses as fast as he could.

"What was that?!" you shouted at him at a gallop not far from him, who stopped dead in his tracks a few paces away from you "Pero what..." "I don't know!" he says, a growing frustration in his eyes that you know only too well, a look he gets when he is about to do something impulsive. "Pero you're not going back!" "He didn't attack us..." "That doesn't mean he won't next time! What's wrong with you?!" You say completely dumbfounded by your best friend, willing to risk his life to prove a point.

FUCK PERO!

You follow him in spite of yourself, knowing that you couldn't forgive yourself for leaving him to die alone in those woods, whether it was his choice or not.

A million thoughts go through your head as Pero is hit by something. You jump off your horse and swing your sword at a man in your path, a man who did not flinch at the shock of a galloping horse. You throw a sword at him which he quickly avoids and disappears again, but you know this kind of technique well, you have fought them all your life. You grab a dagger in your other hand and stand back-to-back with pero who has just straightened up.

"I told you we should have left," you say, more than a little frustrated by events that could have been avoided. "This is not the time." He says as he begins to fight the creature in front of you, moving far too quickly for you to anticipate any movement.

He's faster. Smarter than anything you've encountered before, and despite Pero's ability to inflict some cuts with his pure silver sword, the vampire doesn't give in. But it doesn't kill us for all that... A sentence that goes through your head thinking that it could kill you both in a few seconds if it really wanted to... No, this thing is looking for something...

You don't take any more chances and grab your powder and throw it at the thing, which is screaming in pain, looking at you with reddened eyes, sharp fangs and black veins around its eyes like you've never seen before... "PERO THE HORSES!". He thinks for half a second about killing this thing here and now, but sees the powder starting to dissipate and prefers not to risk both of you getting killed here and now... Not to risk YOUR death here and now which would ultimately be his fault...

You gallop off without looking back, not understanding what you just saw.

⊱•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ •⊰

"PERO WHAT DID YOU DO THERE?!" you say as you slam the door of the house and drop your weapons on the floor "You could have gotten us both killed! You saw what that thing did!" "It didn't kill us... Why?" he says as he sits down on one of the chairs calmly, too calm for what just happened "Is that really the only thing that bothers you about what just happened Pero?!" you say as you bang on the table.

He straightens up curtly and approaches you with a dark look in his eyes, "Aren't you even asking yourself that question? Don't you want to know why he left us alive? Why didn't he kill us or just jump down our throats and kill us like they all do? ¡Miénteme! LIE TO ME?! TRY LYING TO ME!" He says, banging on the table in turn.

You don't respond, knowing he's right, but you can't help it, impulsive behaviour like that could have killed you both. "I shouldn't have gone back there I know that Paloma... But I don't understand..." he says more calmly trying to apologize in his own way. You take him in your arms, understanding that he acted in incomprehension and panic "I also wonder Pero but don't ever do that again... He was smarter... Faster... And seems to control himself in front of living people... We never had to deal with that" you say holding him tighter, also needing a little comfort, adrenaline gradually coming down.

"She's right!"

You flinch and Pero pulls his sword straight out pushing you behind him, hearing a voice coming from your kitchen. Your eyes widen as you realise that the vampire you fought a few hours ago is the man in the room...

"Your powder has no effect on me, cuties... Should you have tried the wooden stakes?" he says, leaning slowly against one of the walls in front of you. "The wooden stakes are too big, a risk. You have to get too close and we're not stupid enough for that," Pero says dryly.

Those features... A protruding jaw, puppy dog eyes that dominate a fierce rage and that aquiline nose... You turn to Pero and move from him to this man, noticing that your friend, has similar features with this creature in front of you even if his hair is longer than pero, but he doesn't seem to really care or even notice it, it's actually the least of his concerns "Why are we still alive? "He says, putting his weapon on the table behind him, understanding that this creature does not intend to kill you, that if it really wanted to, it would not have bothered to let you go and then follow you and interrupt you... Or would have simply killed you in this forest.

He took a step closer but changed his mind when he saw that Pero was keeping a hand on one of his weapons. "Because I'm not the one you're looking for" says the vampire. Pero looked at you wide-eyed and started to laugh, a dark laugh, far from being amused by the situation. "Do you hear that? Now they're coming to our house to haggle," he said, jostling you slightly, still not making you smile.

You know that side of Pero. That unstable side that loses control of itself and doesn't know how to deal with the information and emotions it receives, which are far too numerous to process quickly enough for events that are far too unfamiliar to its eyes. And you don't blame him because you yourself don't know how to deal with it all. "I'm not happy about talking to you..." you say, trying not to play on each other's nerves. "...But you haven't killed us yet, so I'll give you a minute to explain what you want from us."

He stares at you for a few seconds, examining you from head to toe, not missing the look of disgust and hatred on your face. "You're looking for my creator... And I need you to kill him" he said, staring into your eyes, a teasing smile on his face, very sure of himself, yet very serious about the words he just said "Vampires are normally very attached to their creator, I think you're setting us up" you said, crossing your arms "She can't understand that if I wanted you dead you'd have been dead long ago!

He disappeared for a few seconds and found himself next to you, making you jump up and grab tovar's sword behind you to point it at him. He stared at the blade and ran his finger over it, causing smoke to billow from his skin, like at the end of a fire. "I'm not one of the little vampires you usually fight, which makes me... superior to what you're used to..." Tovar rolled his eyes and stepped in front of you, again, instinctively offering his body as a barrier to protect you, letting the man finish, always having a thought of skewering him at any moment "... I'm not dependent on him... At least not completely. But I don't serve him like all those vermin you hunt every day, who don't know how to control themselves or even think for themselves."

He loosens his last words with a more than visible disgust, arranging his clothes and slowly walking around the table without taking his eyes off you. "I don't depend on him. I'm not attached to him in any way... At least not emotionally... Physically it's something else: I can't kill him, not with my own hands." he says, staring deeply into the wood of the table, as if he could see his own reflection there.

"And you need us for that?!" Pero laughed a dark laugh like you've never heard, now less and less amused by the situation, knowing that he could launch himself at the thing in front of you at any moment. You grab him by the arm before he does something stupid and pull him away from the vampire "We should do it Pero." He widened his eyes and reached up to your face, grabbing your cheeks, as if to check that you hadn't been bewitched. You clapped his hands and told him you were fine before continuing, "If he leads us to his master..." "HE'S NOT MY MASTER!" he shouts from across the room letting you know that he can hear anything you say.

You look at Pero and let him know you'll explain the rest later by miming dust between your fingers, as you've done since you were little, before continuing "When he leads us to his MASTER, we can at least find out where he is and kill him! That's what we've wanted for weeks, Pero."

He's not thrilled. He realizes the danger you're going to face and knows that you've already faced a lot of such danger in your life... But he's not excited. He doesn't know if he can trust the information this thing has just given him, and if he should trust it at all. He doesn't want to have to trust it, and he can see in your eyes that you don't want to either... But he also understands that you have no choice after the king's request. So he lets his gaze shift from yours to the vampire's. "Okay. We leave tomorrow morning," he says, stepping around you and approaching the vampire, a more stern look on his face than he usually wears "... But if you were foolish enough to betray us, know this..." "... That you'll kill me?" he cuts Tovar off with a laugh and moves closer to him "And I'll let you do beautiful."

You chuckle and cross your arms and squint your eyes, amused "We already don't trust you..." "I know that sweetheart" "...BUT that's no reason to lie to us" you say, raising your voice, slightly annoyed by his condescending air.

He tries to get around Tovar, who won't let him pass, and shakes his head to let him know he's definitely not going to approach you. "Believe me..." he said as he put his gaze into yours, a serious, not amused gaze "... If I tell you I'd let you do it it's simply that I'd rather it be you than him."

He nodded to you, then to Tovar, and walked towards the front door.

"Oh, and I'd rather be Max Phillips than 'that thing'," he said as he closed the door behind him, leaving you and Tovar in a state of anxiety and nervousness the likes of which you hadn't had in a long time, leaving you both that night alive to the slightest background noise, the slightest shadow passing through the thin draperies of your windows...

•

Chapter 2

TAG LIST : @jessie-writes-things @absurdthirst @wardenparker @aisibaby @xcartxffs @owljumper @underwaterwonderscapes @artemiseamoon

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[waynewifey]

Fading away. —

Pairing: Jason Grace x Roman!DaughterofPluto!Reader

Sumary: after moths of over working, a colapse makes you get into a coma and reflect on your feelings.

Warnings: coma, angst, Pluto as a caring dad, fluff at the end.

Words: +-3k.

A/N: This is my first Percy Jackson Franchise fanfiction, so take it easy on me. This is also my biggest and favourite one. I hope you like this! My requests are always open.

(Y/N) (L/N) had a good reason to hate Jason Grace. How could she not? Jason was so annoying, self centred, selfish, stubborn and worse of all? He dated Piper McLean. Piper was great, (Y/N) knew that and they seemed happy together. But, still, he chose Piper, not (Y/N), his girlfriend back at Camp Jupiter, who he totally forgot about. How come Percy remembered Annabeth but Jason wouldn't remember (Y/N)? And when he recovered his memory, he chose Piper. But she also loved him still, and seeing him hurt like a bullet going straight through her heart. She decided to spend a year at Half-Blood Camp to stay with her half-brother Nico Di Angelo when Gaea were defeated. She thought she could manage to see him almost every day, but she couldn't. So she started doing anything to get her mind occupied. Going on meaningless quests, travelling to New York randomly, volunteering for literally any service in the camp and barely sleeping — because sleeping meant dreams.

"It doesn't have to be like that, (Y/N)." Her brother gave her another shot of Nectar. The sunlight that entered Hades' cabin was leaving slowly as they talked, (Y/N) leaned on her bed watching her fingertips become solid again.

"I'll learn how to do it right and I promise I won't push myself too much, but I can't stop practicing." She avoided eye contact with Nico, feeling ashamed of herself. After all, she was supposed to be the one taking care of him, since she was older. She came back from a "quest" for her father, that was staying a weekend on the Underworld. She started using Shadow Travel to get there. The problem? She had no idea how hard it was, and she almost died every time. He sighted.

"I'm not talking about Shadow Travel. You should talk to Jason and sort this out. You're almost killing yourself everyday doing the craziest stuff just to keep your mind off him. He already broke up with Piper, what's stopping you now? I'm your brother and it pains me to see you suffering, I won't just sit and watch while you literally desapear." He got up and walked to the door. The (h/c) girl forced a smile so he believed she was fine. Nico left the cabin.

After hours reflecting and thinking, she heard the trumpets that announced the convocation to a game of Capture the Flag. Since she was feeling better, she changed her clothes and walked outside. The teams were: cabins 1, 4, 5, 9, 12, 14, 18, 21, 23, 27, 28, 29 vs. cabins 2, 6, 7, 10, 11, 13, 15, 16, 20, 24, 25, 26. They started the game. (Y/N) had to protect the boundary with a kid from Hipnos' cabin while a group attacked the opponent's flag and another protected their territory and their flag. Everything was going as planned, she hadn't seen anyone yet. Out of the sudden, she saw a blond guy running in their direction with a sword. Oh hell no, Jason Grace wouldn't attack her like that. But he did.

"What the hell?!" She screamed, reacting to the blade flying in her direction. Her teammate was asleep. She defended herself with her own sword and counterattacked. He invested against her leg, trying to make her fall. Her instincts took place, she jumped, attacked again and they started a meaningless battle. Jason looked the same as always. He was almost the same Jason that used to take her on cute dates in New Rome. But he fought like a greek. And that was when it hit her, he changed. The mixture of love and hate made her loose her senses for a bit, giving Jason the lead. He focused on her leg but hesitated to hit it, giving her time to get back on the fight. She knocked him to the floor, her foot on his chest and her blade on his neck, when she heard footsteps approaching quickly. Of course. It was a trap. She turned around and saw a son of Hebe holding her team's flag running, followed by two daughters of Hephaestus. She grabbed a knife from her belt and threw it to his leg, hitting exactly where she wanted. She then grabbed Jason's blade and Shadow Travelled. For a moment everything was fine, while she drowned into darkness, but then she couldn't get out. She saw her father's face mixed in the dark. He raised his hand and touched her face, than she was back at the forest. Realising not even a second had gone through, she attacked the — injured — boy and the two gigantic girls at the same time. She wasn't really expecting to defeat them, just trying to win some time so, hopefully, someone would come help her. The boy dropped the flag and got a small sword. The two girls had hammers... oh. The three of them attacked at the same time and she protected herself with Jason's sword, which flew away. She was out of hopes when a figure appeared beside her and started fighting them.

"What are you doing here?! You're not supposed to help me, we're enemies, remember?" She said, fighting Hebe's son.

"I guess you're welcome then." Jason replied smiling, fighting the hammers-girls. (Y/N) sighted in annoyance. Seconds later, her teammates came running from the enemies' territory with a flag and the three-people group surrendered. Everyone started screaming and celebrating. (Y/N)'s head hurt with the noise and she looked to her brother, feeling numb.

"Hey, can we talk?" Jason said, getting in front of her with a big smile. He was proud of himself for helping her? Of course he was. He was going to take all the credit for her team's win. The anger rose inside of her burning everything. She furrowed her eyebrows and with the last energy that remained in her body, she tried to Shadow Travel for the perhaps hundredth time that day.

She fell into the darkness while feeling her body desapear quickly. Her heart was very accelerated but then it stopped. She saw herself at the barks of Lete's river. I'm dead., she thought. The desperation started taking over. She remembered the face of all her friends. Her siblings, Hazel and Nico. Her mother. Her best friend Reyna. Camp Jupiter. New Rome. The Lar Vitellius. Lares? Lares! Maybe she could go back as a ghost! She would at least see her friends again.

"Didn't expect to see you this soon." A voice said with humor. She turned around, as always enlighten by her father's presence. But his face was sad. Not the everyday-sad-Pluto, but the my-daughter-just-died-sad-Pluto.

"Am I d-... dead?" The anxiety forbid her from crying in front of her father. The one she never knew and once she did, she didn't want to disappoint him.

"Yes and no. You see, my darling, there are things more powerful then death. Right now, your physical being is exhausted from travelling through darkness and light — which I told you not to, but we'll talk about this later, you have a decision to make. You're body is surrendering to Death out of hopelessness. But your soul, on the other hand, still fights for the heart beating in your chest. And your conscious, the controller of both body and soul, has to decide which one of them you'll support right now. As Lord of the Death that's all I can say to you. But as your father, I would like to say that we have a room for you in the castle, if you'd like that. And also, I feel obligated to show you what is happening on Earth." When he finished his words, an image formed in the air, sort of an Iris message, but no one saw them. (Y/N) saw herself laying on the grass, surrounded by some campers, Nico and Jason.

She was watching them from above. Jason put two fingers on her neck, trying to feel her pulse. She — the one in the Underworld — gasped as the blond boy whispered 'nothing'. She glanced at her father, who had a pained expression as he stared at Nico freaking out. Her brother had his hands on her chest and was murmuring something in greek. Then, he opened his eyes, filled with tears of desperation, and glanced at Jason, who didn't look any better. She wanted to scream and go back to up there, but her voice wouldn't come out of her throat.

"Half of her is already gone." Nico struggled to say. Everyone around gasped. "I can't Shadow Travel with her, it- it would k-kill the other half..."

"Let's take her to the Infirmary. Everything's gonna be fine. She'll be okay." Will Solace had appeared in the crowd and kneed down to take (Y/N) in the arms, being helped by the other two. As they walked, (Y/N) held herself in her arms, sobbing. She didn't want to die, not like that. The image faded away and Pluto hugged her. He never did that before. She left out all her emotions through the cry. Her father caressed her back and gently kissed the top of her head.

"Now you see, my child, what those on Earth are going through. You have a family up there. And if you'd ask me, Jason Grace is a good person, even being a son of my brother. You have a choice, so make it wisely." Pluto said, not backing away from the hug. She nodded and he immediately knew what her choice was. "You know I'd love to have you here with me, but I'd love even more to see you happy. Don't be reckless. And listen to your brother. You don't have to worry to come see me, I'll make sure to visit you during your recovery." As he said that, a white door appeared out of nowhere. "Here's your carpool." The girl started to walk to the door, when she heard Pluto say: "(Y/N) I lo-... Good luck." She smiled to him and went through into the door. It felt like eons in the nothingness. She felt so much pain all over her body. Then she gained conscience. She didn't knew how long it had passed. She also couldn't open her eyes or say anything, but she knew she was laying down something comfortable, a bed, perhaps. But she could hear perfectly well.

"... and I'm so sorry you had to die for me to gain the courage to say this. Please come back to us... Come back to me. Nico barely leaves this room and nor do I, Will had to force him to go eat. It's not the same without you, (Y/N/N), it really isn't." Jason's words gave her the urge to cry, but she couldn't. It was like her body had shutdown completely. She felt his warm hands on her cold ones and after that, a door was opened. Footsteps. Only one person. Jason didn't move. Someone sat down next to them.

"Dad- I mean, Hades said she will be okay." It was Nico's voice. He sounded extremely tired.

"Didn't he say that last month?" Grace was annoyed, but he didn't stop holding her hand.

"I know, I wish I could do more... I'm... I'm sorry Jason." The blond sighted.

"I should be the one to be saying that. I know there's nothing else to do. I'm sorry for putting the blame on you. It's just- if we've talked before, nothing of this would have happened. If only I was brave enough..." (Y/N) felt weak and her consciousness was back at nothing again. When she heard something again, it looked like a lot of time had passed by, but she wasn't sure at all. Jason's voice was happy as he told her his plans to the future.

"I realised you would like to work with me training the legion. You're obviously skilled and the payment is quite good. And I've heard they are planning to build a village here as well, but I don't know if you-..." Every time she tried to stay conscious, she felt weaker. 'Rest', her father's voice said inside of her head, so she let herself.

Some time...? A long time...? She didn't knew. But the next time she heard, she was way stronger. She waited until then, so she could stay longer and try to understand her emotions. She heard almost an entire day. Her friends entered and left cabin 13 — she found out that she was there. Some of them talked "to" her, some just sat there in silence. When alone, Nico talked a lot about Will Solace. (Y/N) smiled mentally. Then Jason entered. She could already recognise the sound he made walking. He sat beside her bed and held her hand, as usual.

"Hello, princess. You look better." She reunited all the strength she had storage and sent it all to her right hand. She softly squeezed Jason's hand, for a small portion of second, trying to say 'hi'. She felt exhausted. He gasped.

"She just squeezed my hand!" He screamed, laughing. Nico jumped out of his bed, laughing as well. They both stared at her, waiting for more. "You're there, right? I knew you were! It's been long months, but you're getting better. Don't work too hard. We'll see each other soon, don't worry." He kissed her forehead. After that, it was easy for her to let go and dive into her sleep again.

She was slowly getting better. She noticed her comas were smaller now, and she got stronger every time. She started communicating by squeezing people's hand. One time for 'yes' and two times for 'no'. But it still was exhausting. She met with her father a couple times through dreams, but it never lasted long. She was sick of it. She wanted to jump out of the bed and run through all the camp. She was alone with Jason, as he talked about the last time he went to Camp Jupiter, telling every change. She slowly forced herself to open her eyes. It wasn't for too long, just enough for her to see the big smile he had while talking, her favourite blond hair and how he gesticulated while speaking. By that time, her feelings were completely lined. She declined her childishness and stubbornness to accept the fact that she obviously loved him. Her lips were able to form a small smile. He hadn't noticed her yet. I can do this, she thought.

"J." She whispered for the first time in five months. Her eyes were already closed again. He gasped.

"Did you just say J? That's me! I'm here, i'm right here, love. Can you hear me?" She squeezed his hand one time. Yes. He chortled. "You're so strong. I miss you so much." He started softly crying. She squeezed his hand two times. No. Don't cry, she wanted to say. "Alright, 's fine, 's fine. Gods, you're coming back. I bet Aphrodite is watching us closely." He chuckled but suddenly stopped. "I forgot we haven't talked about that yet, i'm sorry. I don't wanna be intrusive, you know. It's just, by what Nico has told me, well, you still liked me." She squeezed two times. "That's... that's great, love. But don't worry about that just yet. You should take some rest now, my love."

Five days. She had woken up every single one of them, but only listening. No squeezes, no talking, no looking. Just storing strength. She knew she was close to fully waking up. She was already able to keep track of the days. It was a Sunday, the day she received the most visits. It should be morning, because she only heard Nico's snorting. She slowly opened her eyes. The same place. Different clothes. She wondered who had changed them. Perhaps Will did. She systematically moved her arms, pushing herself to sit. Her back was laying at wall. She took a deep breath. It was going fine. She wanted to wake Nico up, but she decided to wait to see if she would be able to actually stay awake. About an hour later, Nico woke up by himself. He yawned and turned to her bed. She looked at him with a big smile. He jumped out of bed.

"Holy shit, (Y/N)! You're up! How- Wait! I need to- Wait! Don't fall asleep, I'll be right back!" She blinked slowly to sign 'ok'. He was back moments running later with a bunch of teenagers in pyjamas. They all froze at the door, staring at her. Hazel, Frank, Annabeth, Percy, Jason and even Piper. Hazel was the first one to wake up from the trance. She ran to her sister and hugged (Y/N).

"Ouch." She managed to say, reacting to the tight hug that made her head hurt.

"Right, sorry! I forgot. Wait, you speak!" Hazel answered and laughed. All of the others joined in, amazed by her friend, and started talking, telling everything she had missed. (Y/N) couldn't speed properly, only a few words like 'hi', 'ow', 'miss' and 'food'. Later that day, Will came to check on her. He said everything looked just fine, but that she should rest.

"Hey." Zeus' son said, once they were alone.

"Hi."

"Gods, it's so good to finally hear you again. I've talked to myself for a long time." They giggled softly. (Y/N) wasn't showing any signs of it, but that day had been extremely tiring. Her entire body hurt but she couldn't give up just yet.

"I... heard." She whispered. "A bit." Her eyes tried to close but she opened them wide, fighting her own nature. Jason noticed that.

"Hey, no need to over do it.” He brushed her cheek with his thumb.

"Sleep... here." She begged, placing her hand beside her. He froze for a moment, embarrassed. And then, with a rubor across his face, he sat on the bed beside her. She laid her head on his chest and quickly fell asleep.

“Go to sleep, love. We have all the time in the world.”

[stanzoeywade]

Veronica x MC tinder!au

I headcanon Veronica to look like Barbara Lopez, and as you can see this headcanon was inspired by this tweet.

Summary: in which you are paired with Veronica for a project and she doesn't respond to your emails but you match with her on tinder. The both of you find each other attractive but you're both gay disasters. Also in this au the MC doesn't meet Poppy on her first day of school, so they don't know about the top 3 girls of Belvoire. (Where poppy is a switch (fite me), Veronica is a top.)

Warnings: swear words, and maybe toothache inducing fluff? Thigh riding smut.

Taglist: @somewillwin @belvoiresqueenbee @origmansello @clownery-is-a-new-personality @kamilahtrash @poppysminion @poppysimp @captain-hanadeleine @poppysmc @iiizdumb @uselesslesbianfr @scattered-to-the-winds @idiot-justidiot @toyhenoctus @coldbatfriendroad​

So it begins in one of your compulsory classes, where you have to be partnered up for a big project, like 20-30% of your final grade.

Cue your professor paring you up with someone who you've never seen before in class, and you're confused because wtf??? Who is this Veronica Lombardi person??? And why is everyone staring at you with mixed reactions, some look jealous while some look like they feel bad for you.

After class, you make you way to your dorm room and you ask Zoey if she knows Veronica Lombardi and that's how you find out about the whole ranking system in Belvoire. You learn that Veronica is at the number 3 spot as one of the most popular girls on campus. You're not really interested because in all honesty it sounds too much like high school and you're already over it.

Considering that she was going to be your partner for the project, you decide to email her so that the both of you can divide the work equally, as well as ask if she has any days where she is free so that you can discuss the project in person.

It's been a week and you still don't have a response, and you're starting to think that you'll have to do the project alone. Hopefully your professor will take that into consideration once she marks you paper.

You try to start to work on the project but you're quick to realise that you're bored, so in your frustrated state, you open tinder hoping to find an outlet for your stress.

Imagine your surprise when you're matched with your project partner, who messages you. It reads "Sup babe, what are you doing tonight?"

You feel your blood pressure rise as you type angrily. "I'M DOING OUR JOINT PROJECT YOU BITCH!"

She replies with the emojis "😤😒" alongside a gif of someone saying "Rude".

You're about to lose it when another message catches your attention. "Are you from Sociology 101? I haven't attended any of the lectures, it's boring af. But you know what wouldn't be boring? We could hook up 😜" it reads.

"Un-fucking-believable" you mutter to yourself as you read the message. 'Who the hell does she think she is?' - you think to yourself, annoyed.

"Are you seriously flirting with me right now?" you text as you feel angrier each passing second.

The only response you get is a selfie of Veronica smiling cheekily at the camera, which is followed by a message saying "I promise I'd be more fun than sociology. 😉"

You barely resist the temptation of pulling your hair out and respond with "look, I get it you're rich, but just because you can get away with not doing the work, it doesn't mean that I can." Veronica looks at your response and can't help but feel a pang of guilt.

Feeling guilty, Veronica messages you. It says "look babe, I'm sorry, I'll make it up to you, we can meet up and do the project together. And maybe when we finish we can do something more fun? 😜😉"

Letting out a resigned sigh you begrudgingly ask for her address and she's all too happy to respond. "I live on campus, I'm part of the Zetas so just walk over and I'll meet you outside."

Freshening up, you make yourself look presentable and you start to make your way to the sorority house. You're surprised to see someone waiting outside, and you assume the person to be Veronica.

As you get closer you're taken aback because of Veronica. There she was in all her glory. I mean you knew she looked attractive judging by the photo she sent you, but pictures can't exactly compare to seeing the real thing.

You can't help but think that Veronica is gorgeous, I mean with that face she could be a supermodel and ohh my god she has legs that go on for days.

Snapping out of your daze, you just see Veronica flashing you a charming smile.

You weren't the only one checking the other person out though, Veronica couldn't help but think that you were cute, especially in that crop top and varsity jacket. 'She's smart and easy on the eyes to boot, this will be fun.' - she thinks as she turns on the charm, ready to seduce.

You approach her, anger coming back as you poke your finger on her shoulder whilst saying "I'm so fucking mad at you, I could have finished the project already but your ass was MIA, so I couldn't start."

Veronica winces at each poke, irritated, she tugs on your wrist and pulls you close. "You could have looked for me personally you know." she says cockily.

Your anger dissipates a little because she had a point and with a resigned sigh you say "Fair enough, still doesn't make up for the fact that you didn't reply to my emails."

Veronica just rolls her eyes at you. "Well we could stand here and argue or we can go inside and actually work on the project." she says sarcastically.

As you make you way inside the sorority house, you can't help but feel amazed by the expensive furniture and decorations. It looked like a house fit for royalty and if you're being honest you're a bit jealous because they get to live in luxury.

You follow Veronica to her room and you're immediately surprised by what you see. Her room is big, however it is decorated modestly, and it's much simpler than what you imagined. The atmosphere feels a bit awkward and you make conversation by complimenting her room. "Your room seems really cozy."

Veronica looks at you, a soft smile graces her features and she says "Thanks." She puts a stray strand of her behind her ears and you can't help but admire her.

"If taking a picture of my room would've gotten you to come over, I would have done so already." she flirts.

You can't help giggle and you're relieved that the awkward atmosphere has been replaced with a comfortable silence.

Your giggle attracts Veronica's attention and her cheeks flush because who gave you the right to be so cute.

The two of you start to work on the project and you're pleasantly surprised to learn that Veronica understands the syllabus despite the fact that she hasn't attended any of the lectures. The two of you get a lot more work done than what you expected and before either of you realise, it's already dark outside.

You feel your eyes drooping as you try to stay awake, and you notice how dark it is and you're about to tell Veronica that you're about to leave when she says "It's already dark outside, you should probably stay it's not safe to be walking around in the middle of the night."

You mull it over and decide to stay. 'Fuck it, I'm too tired to walk back' - you think to yourself as you nod your head to Veronica.

Veronica walks over to her closet and pull out pyjamas, which she hand over to you as well as a spare toothbrush. "You should go and clean up, you can sleep on the bed." she says kindly. You raise an eyebrow at her. "This better not be a plan to get me to sleep with you Lombardi." you say jokingly. She just laughs at your joke and tells you to clean up, you're too tired to argue back so you concede.

Fast-forward to the next morning, you wake up in someone's arms and you snuggle closer until you realise. 'WTF, why am I being cuddled and where the fuck am I?' - you think to yourself slightly panicking. Your eyes open and you turn around to see that Veronica was asleep, you try to get out of her grip but she just pulls you closer whilst murmuring in her sleep.

You don't want to wake her up because she looks so comfortable and at ease and you know that you're stuck there until she wakes up.

Veronica wakes up and she feels something or someone in her arms, she then remembers that you slept over, not in the way she wanted but hey she's not complaining, especially since you were cutely staring at her with a confused expression.

Deciding to tease you, she plants a kiss on your lips and you freeze. A blush creeping on your face and Veronica was about to apologise for going too far when you cut her off by kissing her back. She could get used to this she thinks.

She pulls away and notices the blush on your cheeks. "I thought you didn't like me Hughes?" she says mischieviously, and you just look away.

Realising that her arms weren't around you anymore, you get up and Veronica whines at the lack of physical contact and warmth, you narrowly avoid being pulled back down onto the bed.

You just shoot her a soft smile and say "Thanks for letting me stay over, I'm gonna go get changed and leave, I'll see you later."

You quickly get changed and as you leave her room, you can feel your heart pounding in your chest because you can't stop thinking about the kiss you shared with Veronica. You continue to zone out for the rest of the day, wondering what it would be like to kiss her again.

The next time the two of you meet, Veronica is more straightforward when it comes to flirting, and you're always left a flustered and blushing mess. Veronica thinks you look so cute, especially since she's the reason why you're flustered. The two of you become friends and you exchange numbers because using tinder to communicate was getting annoying.

You're surprised when Veronica messages you with random memes at god awful hours and you can't even get mad because they make you laugh and it becomes something you look forward to each day.

That's when you start to develop feelings for Veronica, and you're not sure what to do because she's flirty with everyone and you're not sure if she likes you back.

Veronica invites you to a frat party, and as soon as you get there a few people introduce themselves to you. One of the frat boys tries to flirt with you and you're immediately pulled back by Veronica as she says "Fuck off Luis, she with me." Your eyes widen as you realise what Veronica said.

You don't have the chance to ask what she means as she drags you off to a room, where she immediately kisses you, hand finding it's way down to your hips and gripping it possessively. She continues to kiss you, each kiss deeper and rougher than the last. The barrage of kisses only stop due to both of you needing to breathe.

Your chest heaves as you feel Veronica lean in to whisper "You're mine, and I don't like it when people touch what's mine." You feel shivers down your back as she says that.

Veronica locks the door and she pulls you towards the bed where she sits and pull you in for another kiss. You're pulled onto her lap as her lips trail down your jaw to the base of your neck, alternating between biting and sucking to leave marks. You can feel a wave of arousal make it's way down to your core, and a small groans escapes your lips.

Spurred on by your reaction, Veronica starts to unbutton your shirt, quickly taking it off with deft hands. She starts to grope your breasts as she unhooks your bra with her other hand. Lips finding it's way to nipples, and you can't stop yourself from moaning when her teeth grazes against it.

Instinctively, your hips starts to jerk against her thigh and it quickly catches Veronica's attention as she looks at you with narrowed eyes and pupils blown.

She pulls your hips down flush against her thigh, and leaning in she whispers "Grind." and you're quick to obey her as she sucks and bites on your shoulder and collarbone, making sure to leave marks on each patch of skin she can reach.

You slowly start to grind against her, and in order to help you out, she starts to move her thigh against your centre, working you up faster and you let out long breathy moans and whimpers at the friction against your centre. Spurred on by your reaction, Veronica uses her fingers to touch and play with your clit, and this makes you moan out her name "V, that feels so good.", and she can't get enough.

She grinds her thigh faster and she starts to use her finger to help you climax. Your body starts to convulse and your back arches as you reach your climax. Veronica's fingers helping you ride out your orgasm. A loud moan escapes your mouth and for a moment your vision turns white, head empty except the pleasure you feel. Your chest heaves as you try to catch your breath.

As soon as you regain your bearings, you can see the smug look Veronica has, and you do nothing but roll your eyes as you say "Yeah, yeah that felt really good, stop being so smug." Veronica's eyes just lights up as she raises her arms in mock surrender and says "Hey, you said it not me."

"So, I guess this means we're dating?" you ask shyly, as your cheeks flush. Veronica just kisses you softly and says "Yeah."

That's how the two of you start dating.

A/N: I saw that there was a lack of Veronica x MC content so yeah enjoy, and please reply if you want me to write a dating Veronica headcanon like I did for Poppy. Thanks for reading, bye.

[yuvon-writes-letters]

Hey guys,

Yu, Rai and both Jakes.

Actually..If I talk about my feelings I'm pretty well. Don't tell Jake I said that, but I couldn't be happier about our situation. I mean, we can talk again. Without me being kidnapped and finding a weird Tumblr profile of him. (Which we think was a set up by one of the entities of my world since he obviously doesn't have one. Jake thinks it was goldies doing, I on the other hand don't believe that. Don't ask me why, but it feels like goldie wouldn't do that. And it didn't help me either but only made problems. I was distracted because I was writing the profile (you read it, right Yu? I don't know about the others) and angry. Like, really angry.)

Putting that aside, Jake called me, like he promised :) And it was the longest phone call I had for some time. Most of the time I talked and he didn't get distracted once, just listened to me and everything that happened. And then he started cursing, which is kind of understandable. He apologised for being into stasis. And for this other version from before the 'time setting back' thing. Because I don't find a name I'll call it TSB from now on.

The only problem I have now is going to work, I guess I'll take me some vacation...But at least I'm not as scared of the raven-ass anymore. I mean, I still am, but in the moment I know his steps. And I am not alone.

Jake, I intentionally write the next part in red, please don't read it. That's for Yu.

I know you think that Jake sees you as a threat. If it still is like you wrote in the letter. Jake knows that, too and he doesn't like it. You know him better than I do, of course, but without saying too much...I think it's quite the opposite. Talk to him about that. Even though it's probably not the best circumstances I think he enjoys being with you :)

The next part, purple (damn, I need more coloured pens), is for you Jake.

You already told me that you don't like that Yu thinks you see her as a threat. I only have to say one thing, if it still is like that, talk to her about it. Earlier than later.

The new thoughts about the blood ritual are really interesting. But please don't put yourself in this danger (or not, but I think it's understandable what I mean?) if it isn't necessary. But I also agree with Rai, I thought the same thing for a while. That you desired having someone, Jake, with you. It sounds plausible.

What more was there...Wait, let me reread the letters.

Oh yeah, Rai! One, till now my crow crew seems to still be in stasis (Jake realised that now, too) and two..Please try to take care of your health, yeah? I'm worried for you.

Lis🐾🔥

Ps. Damn...I'm writing this exactly when I wanted to leave the house (I mean, I sadly cannot hide my face forever).

Two new things...I got a message. I mean, it was a threat (because I am the obviously the bad girl that kidnapped Hannah), but I don't care. Maybe that means the stasis is slowly dissolving!

But number 2...I didn't get the vacation. My boss called me almost immediatly. "Under no circumstances [a word is blacked out] Liska. We have July and Alice, Tim and Jenny all want to take free time, too. You are one of our best workers and we can't afford you leaving now. You have no children so you have to wait. Also Max told me that you don't have any problems in family."

So long story short: He wants me to be there tomorrow. Argh, if he would pay me like he's talking that would awesome. And I'll kill Max when I see him next time. (My cousin that thought it was fun to try and steal my work so we both got the rank of 'one of the best workers'. The only problem: Max' title is official. -.- Overall, I'm so much more annoyed than some time earlier. Maybe I should ask Jake for help

Lis,

Okay, the Crow Crew drama is fading a bit, so I'll answer this now. Sorry if I seem disjointed at all, I'm probably going to be going back and forth from conversations to this letter a lot. I can't afford to have them all think I'm compromised, I need to focus on getting out of here and I don't want to deal with their pressure on top of everything else.

Yeah, I don't think the Tumblr profile was Goldie either. Goldie seems to try to be very much a "hands off" sort of entity, like my own. The Tumblr profile thing seems a little out of character for at least my Jake. At least, publicly answering your submission certainly was, though he may have panicked since you sent it in on anon and answered publicly without really thinking about it. I guess I could see him having a Tumblr profile for purposes of following people on social media and watching what they post, though. And then deciding he likes the media and posting a little bit of impersonal things that can't lead back to him. Probably my Jake will say something about that when I hand this letter over to him, stay tuned.

Yeah, I at least read some of the things you sent that profile, and I showed what I had to my Jake too. I'm not sure if I read all of it, since it was a bunch of printed-out screenshots in an envelope, but I read the ask where you told him you hated him (fair at that point but ouch that's got to have hurt) up to when you said you'd found Hannah. After that you sent me your letter telling me time had turned back and the Tumblr screenshots ended.

I'm glad you and Jake managed to talk things out. I was sort of worried about how he'd react, but it sounds like he took it pretty well, considering. I'm... not exactly sure he should be apologizing for the stasis, though. Or the TSB!Jake. Maybe especially not the TSB!Jake. Jakes seem to be oddly different from timeline to timeline, just based on what I've seen of them. TSB has been one of the most different so far.

Oh. One thing I should mention that you might not have seen from the profile: The MWAF used your phone to mock the TSB account, and mentioned that TSB wasn't the only person who could hack, and the MWAF blocked TSB from finding your location. Might want to warn your Jake about that.

A vacation sounds like a good idea :/ It's really hard to go back to normal life right after tragedies or trauma. It feels like the world keeps moving on and you're still stuck in place, and you just want to scream at them that they need to slow down, can't they see that the world is

Good. I'm glad you don't feel alone. It's easier to deal with this stuff when you're with someone else, even if it's not physically.

(Jake, my Jake I mean, if you're reading over my parts of these letters skip to the ||| now please.) I'm not saying he doesn't also enjoy my company. I can tell he does. That doesn't make me not a threat. Like how early on I suspected Thomas, but still thought he was a nice guy and enjoyed talking to him. (Obviously I don't suspect him any more XD ) Still, if you think I should talk with him about it, I'll try to find a tactful way to bring it up.

Yes, because obviously tact is my greatest strength. Sigh.

Like I said to Rai, the underlying desire thing is definitely possible. That'd either mean I'm more obvious about how I feel for Jake than I think I am (very possible, I'm not great at hiding how I feel in person) or the entity has some level of telepathy/mind reading. The reason is that chessboard. Since Jake likes chess, it's clear at least to me the entity expected him to come here at some point. I THINK, if the underlying desire thing is true, I can manipulate myself into wanting specific things by doing things like writing it over and over and repeating it out loud when doing the ritual, but I'm not sure.

|||

It's probably good that your Crow Crew is in stasis, like how it's objectively probably good my outside life is going on without me. Less drama, less pressure.

Huh. The harassment is definitely a promising sign. Maybe you should try contacting Darkness again, same way as I suggested near the beginning? That feels so long ago, but it really can't have been much more than a week, can it?

You... didn't get the vacation. Fucking hell. Is there ANY way you can convince your boss? You really should have time off. Maybe your Jake can help you come up with ideas.

Or at least maybe he can come up with a way to have your boss give you a bonus for your trouble -_-

Oh shit Cleo's interrogating me I'm gonna hand this to Jake now

(The handwriting changes to Jake's.) Hello, Lis.

I agree with Yuvon: "TSB" acts markedly different from myself. There would be no benefit from me promising to be there to find you in the moment, and indeed I would have been falling for a very transparent trap. Even in my possible state of panic, I cannot see myself being there physically, much less revealing myself physically to authorities in the process, unless I was playing the role of bait in a counter-trap. While it is plausible that this was TSB's plan, TSB gave no indication that Yuvon or I could tell that this was the case. Of course, I would have done my best to be there physically in the aftermath of the kidnapping, but not in the moment.

I also agree that the Tumblr profile seems to be out of character for both myself and for "Goldie", though I hesitate to judge TSB's actions by what I myself would do. I seem to vary in surprising ways across universes and even from timeline to timeline, based solely on your current Jake's reactions thus far. I do actually own a Tumblr profile for the exclusive purpose of following social medias I wish to track, but I used a random username generator website for the username and not my own name, and I certainly never posted anything.

The news about the MWAF being able to hack is new to me; I must have missed that the first time I read through the screenshots. That is quite troubling. I suppose I will need to be more careful in future.

I am sincerely sorry your request for a vacation was rejected. I do not know how much you intend to separate your personal life and the Duskwood case, but if your stasis is truly wavering, you may be able to reveal some measure of the danger you are in to convince him to let you flee the area for a small while. Especially since you mentioned in your Tumblr post that you saw a raven note in your wor

Oh.

You need to leave that place. Now. Do not inform your employer of the danger you are in, reveal nothing to him or to anyone, take unpaid time off if you need to. Get your cousin and anyone else you care overly much about out of there too. Invalidate any information you can your employer or coworkers knows about you. Do not tell the truth to anyone, even your cousin. Make up any excuses you need to, ask your Jake for help with ideas if you need to. You may also wish to check that the coworkers your boss listed who are going on vacation are ACTUALLY going on vacation.

This is a priority, Liska. You need to tell your Jake all of this too, especially the part with the note in your workplace. You need to get out of there.

Good luck.

—Jake & Yuvon

(The letter tucks itself into the paper clip with the others.)

[neo-culture-mafia]

Crush Culture (K.DY)

You were single...that was it.

The sight of seeing other couples made you want to punch them. You were 20 and still have never had your first kiss. You were okay with that too. You were afriad of becoming apart of that gross couple no one could stand.

Yet, it was annoying when everyone had a significant other besides you...even the Junior Forces had someone. You were forever alone.

Your attitude was always the reason someone couldn't hold onto you. You were a hand full and that was an understatement half of the time. You were a bratty girl that wanted love -- but no one wanted you.

You sat at your circle table during the Valentine Day Holiday Party that Taeyong threw everywhere...well...his girlfriend threw. She throws it every year to have an excuse to dress up in a tight red dress and talk with the rest of the girlfriends that were also associated with the Mafia. You were always seen as 'one of the guys' compared to the other girls. You were the only female genuinely recruited and not just fucking their way in. Whenever the girls would go shopping, one of the boys would try to convince their girlfriends to take you along -- trying to get you to make friends.

You've tried making friends with them but they're just too snobby and judgemental. Then at the end of the day, you're back at the boys' lounge sitting in the corner with a lonely bottle of Soju.

You hit the volume button on your phone again as you're met with the time: 11:32 and a new notification. You quickly unlocked your phone and checked it. 'Timer: Your timer for 5 minutes has run out.'

You groaned and locked your phone. You put it on the table with annoyance and just looked into the dancing crowd. You play with your sleeve as you grimaced at it's color. It was red. You hated red. But to make the boss' wife happy; you followed the dress code knowing you found a loophole and how it would piss her off.

It reminded you of anger...and how you didn't want to be here while the color is plastered over every square inch of this damn room.

"Yah." You looked up to see your hero of the night: Doyoung.

"What do you want old man?" You rolled your eyes and he scoffed. "Fine sit alone then." He said and you snapped towards him. "I was joking." You quickly blurt out and he chuckled as he turned back and sat in the chair next to you. The red silk table cloth moving as his legs brush against it.

"Why aren't you dancing?" He asked and you shrugged. "Why aren't you?" You asked but you already knew the answer.

Like you, he was a handful to have as a partner. He hasn't secured a woman yet which was looked down upon by some. Most didn't care, like the boys...but the girls wanted someone new every once and awhile to brainwash and make their own.

Doyoung was adorned in a leather jacket and dark jeans. He found a loophole in the dress code too; his dark t-shirt having a red logo on it. It pissed Tae's girl off but he couldn't stand her either.

"Just don't want to. Not my thing ya know." He shrugged and downed all of his red wine. "God this is terrible." He groaned as he looked at the empty glass. You chuckled at his face as he set it down with a clunk of the cold glass.

You both sat there in comfortable silence and just chilled with each other. "Hey losers. Why aren't you dancing?" Kun came over as his wife scurried off to the hoard of girls in the middle of the dance floor.

"Aside from the fact I don't want to be here in the first place...? I just don't want to." You said and he chuckled. "Here's a wacky idea. Both of you dance with each other." He said taking your glass of wine away from you. You whined and held your hand out for it back.

Kun grabbed your hand and placed it on Doyoung's. "You won't get paid if you say no." Kun said and Doyoung just groaned.

"Paid?" You questioned. "The guys are paying me 20 dollars just to show up." Doyoung said and Kun nodded at the statement.

"What?!" You shrieked. "Yeah I know it ridiculous righ-" "I wanna be paid too!" You cut off Kun as Doyoung laughed. Kun gave up on you two and walked away. "I'm surrounded by children." He shook his head.

"We're the same age dumbass." Doyoung called back and Kun just held up his special finger as a response. You chuckled at the response. You felt pressure on your hand as you saw Doyoung's hand wrap around yours.

"We're here...why not make it special?" He asked and stood up. You shook your head no as you tried retracting your hand. "I don't dance." You shook your head again.

"And you think I do?" He cocked an eyebrow. You looked at him and just sighed. "Fine." You said as you let him pull you out of your seat. He guided you amongst the bodies of slow dancing and couples kissing.

He brought you to the middle of the floor above the huge dangling heart that was set to burst with confetti at midnight. He turned you around and put his hands on your waist hesitantly. He was a good height taller so your forehead just met his lips. So in order to maintain eye contact you had to look up at him.

You were lost for a moment until you put your arms gently on his shoulder. Some random slow love song played through the huge speakers. You both talked about some upcoming missions before you were interrupted. "Yeah I get it. What we do for work is very interesting -- yet I don't want to overhear how you decapitated a guy while I'm kissing my girlfriend at a Valentine's day dance." Jaehyun butted in with swollen lips and a trail of red pigment from his jaw to his collar.

You laughed at his physical state, your head burying into Doyoung's chest out of instinct to hide your face. His hand subconsciously went up your back a little.

"Dude. Go get a room if you're that desperate." Doyoung chuckled. "Why don't you go-" you cut off the younger before he said something he would regret.

"Alright enough. We'll shut up about work." You said and Jaehyun rolled his eyes. "Thank you." He said and walked the couple steps back over to his girlfriend.

You looked up again to already be met with his longing gaze. His eyes getting bigger then readjusting to your bright eyes he was waiting to see...yet he would never tell you that.

"So...how was your day?" You asked trying to appeal to Jaehyun's wishes on choice of conversation. "It was good. Yours?" He asked you; as he genuinely wanted to know the answer.

"It was...boring." You chuckled at the thought of you staying in bed all day until being reminded of the dance.

"Oh well I hope it looks up soon." Doyoung said and twirled you. You giggled at the unexpected dance move. "Where'd you learn to do that?" You asked once his hands were back on your back and holding you close. "Takes two to tango honey." He winked and you felt the heat rush to your cheeks.

"Guess you're right." You nodded and played with a few hairs on the nape of his neck.

"Yeah?" He asked and you nodded shortly again. You two were getting closer. You hadn't noticed how his big eyes were and how they twinkled even in the dimmest of lights, or how natural his hands felt on your back -- bringing you two closer as your bodies pushed against another's.

"Yeah." You breathed. He was so close and you didn't know you had wanted this so much until it was right here infront of you. "Yeah." He whispered and brought you closer up to his face. Your lips were grazing each others. It was like sparks of electricity.

Claps became apparent as you both realised what was happening. You both pushed each other away and just straightened your clothes out as the confetti fell in huge clumps around everyone's feet. Some kissed their partner as they continued dancing to the music. You ran a hand through your hair as did Doyoung. Both of you clearing of your throats and looking around to make sure no one else saw what was about to happen. Yet they did and the group of people in the corner of the room groaned as half of them lost money on the fact you two didn't kiss.

"Well...see you tomorrow." You both turned to each other at the same time. "Yeah totally." You both continued to copy each other. "Goodbye." You waved and bowed slightly as you walked past him and out the doors to get to your car.

You walked to the curb where rain still drizzled lightly. You noticed you had a bounce in your step as you walked with purpose. The heat in your chest and cheeks hadn't stopped as you got in your car.

..

You drove down the highway back to your apartment as you blasted the most cheesiest love songs you could think of.

You arrived at your home and ran up the stairs to your bedroom. You turned on all your lights and your music. You hopped and danced on your bed for the rest of the night...Doyoung doing the same at his own home.

You were on cloud 9 and nothing even happened. Even though you were happy you didn't know that Doyoung was happier. He had been waiting MONTHS to make a move. He's just so happy he didn't have to force it.

Maybe the crush culture was disgusting and overrated. Maybe it did make you want to become violent and light every heart shaped thing on fire. Yet, with you finding your own interest...you were wanting to become apart of the same group you despised.

------------

This was for Doyoung and his birthday💗💗

It wasn't my best work but I felt bad about not posting on his birthday. I needed more time to finish it and finally finished today.

With Love,

~J

[simpinforyoongi]

Good Bad Day ~

Collegestudent! Namjoon x Collegestudent!reader ~

(i know the pic doesn't suit this oneshot but i just can't omksks)

Pairing: Collegestudent!Namjoon x collegestudent!reader

Genre: Angst, attempted humour,

Warnings: swearing

Summary: When your bully-not-bully Namjoon takes it a bit too far on a day that already had been bad, you snap. But maybe this bad day wouldn't turn out to be so bad after all.

-

Sucked.

If you had to describe today in one word, it would, without doubt, be this. Today had simply sucked.

It sucked harder than that one exam you had to give about which you liTerAlLY came to know on the exam day itself. It sucked harder than that time when you missed your FRIgGIN school trip which you had been waiting for for MONTHS! And it sucked harder than the day you met Kim Namjoon. Yea. And oh boy is that a big statement.

Now,

Allow me to explain part 1:

[Dum dum dum flashback time brought to you byyyyyy 🍑 & 🍦, sweeter than sweet]

In simple words, Kim Namjoon was your bully. But also not exactly??? a bully?? because he didn't really "bully" you. Because if you actually take a minute to think about it, he never physically hurt you. Not gravely at least. But he also was your bully in the sense that he made every-freakin-day a struggle (more so than it already was). His usual acts where making snide remarks when you passed by and sometimes if he was feeling extra cheery, an intentional bump here and there, most of which you dodged skillfully. But that's about it. You didn't really bother replying because who's got that kind of time OR energy?? Not your lazy freaking ass for sure. You simply ignored him all day long, everyday.

How did he become your "bully" , you ask?? Well i suggest you read away!

Now let's get onto the second part,

Allow me to explain part 2:

[Dum dum dum flashback time brought to you byyyyy 🍫 cheeks & 🍫 🦋]

Today's morning was one of the prettiest of the week. Subtle sunlight seeped through your cremé curtains and fell on your face, giving you a sunkissed look and bringing out the color of your irises. You had woken up with a dreamy smile on your lips, obviously from the delicious dream that you had had, about how you were gonna spend your up and coming vacation, traveling and touring the world, seeking out all the gems that these places had to hide. Well, maybe not all the touring and stuff but books and the bed all day are just as thrilling, aren't they? AnYWaYS, so you had pulled your torso up and stretched out your limbs to free them off the stiffness that occurs from staying in bed just a tad too long, and glanced at the alarm clock.

That's where it started to go wrong.

You jUMped out of bed almost tripping yourself on the sheets (almost because you were always good at not falling. The Tripping God's have always been on your side) when you realised that in half an hour, your classes would start.

Then, you had two options:

1)To shower and be late but at least be fully awake. (not smelling like chicken wings and cheese was just a bonus) and

2) To not shower but be on time, but alSo be drowsy and risk running into a tree and going into a lifelong coma (that actually doesn't sound that bad).

You opted for the later because the almighty Gods have gifted you with some almiGhTy weapons for the existence and survival of human kind,

Coffee and Deodorant😎

Hah! Take that life! you had thought.

But life wasn't in the mood to humor you or your fantabulous sense of humour today.

Not showering always had its quirks you know. One of them being you had to brush out your bedhead without the help of any almighty weapons from the almighty Gods. So after actually managing to get ready without killing yourself after what seemed like an eternity of hair-brushing, you finally were ready to go.

But of course, it couldn't be so easy, could it?

One quick glance at your phone told you you had about 11 minutes to get to your class. 11 minutes to cover a path that took at least 18 minutes to cover when you were walking at your usual pace, earphones tucked in cozily.

10 minutes.

You hurriedly put your phone in your bag, put on your sneakers with shaky hands and broke into a run after locking the door.

You had been running for around 10 minutes and you had actually managed to almost reach your college gates. You could see the gates from where you stood, huffing and puffing while your lungs and ribs burned in hellfire. I'd suggest working out a little you know, if you have time.

So there it was, looking like the gates to heaven and calling your name. You again started walking and eventually running, without taking any notice of your shoe laces that had come undone and — thump

Remember how I told you that Tripping God's had always been on your side?? Yea well I think I spoke a little too soon.

You lied on the hard concrete , left cheek in contact with the floor,hands and legs were spread in a random manner.

You lifted yourself up with a frown, with the help of the base of your palms but immediately retracted your hands when your felt a sudden burning sensation.

Great. Simply great.

Both your hands had bruises on them, the left side of your jaw hurt, and there was a minute throbbing in your left side that was surely not from all the running.

But you didn't have time, so you got up, tied the laces and kept running.

But of course, it wasn't enough.

You reached your class ten minutes late. The lecture had already started and the professor was showing a PowerPoint presentation. You timidly knocked, attracting everyone's attention. Again, something that you gravely hated.

Luckily, you had somewhat of a reputation with the teachers. Being somewhat of a good girl had it perks you know. So you got off without any scolding from the professor, after she had asked you why you were late and you supplied the only thing that came to mind.

Woke up late, ma'am.

You took a seat and attempted noting down, but the bruises that you got on your hand were doing their job.

After somehow making it through the first lecture, you had a small gap before your second lecture. So you decided to get a coffee from the café on campus.

After getting said coffee, you were walking down one of the halls to your next class.

All your attention was on your coffee, your warm, coffee colored coffee that was waiting to be finished, which was why you didn't notice when a human pillar bumped into you, spilling all your coffee on yourself in the process.

You jumped when the warmth seeped through the fabric of your (luckily) black T-shirt, and looked up to see who was blind enough to bump into you when there was pLENTY of space to walk.

Uh-huh.

Wrong move.

There stood the devil himself, smirking down at your soaked self.

"I knew you were dumb. Didn't know you were blind too. Klutz" and with a smirk he just left you there without giving you the time to as much as glare at him for completely ruining your T-shirt AND spilling your coffee.

Your stood there in your coffee soaked clothes and teary eyes. But you blinked them away. You won't cry. It's just a bad day. It's just a bad day.

The atrocities didn't stop there. Throughout the day, many joyous things happened.

While going to your third lecture, you missed a step and landed right on your knees, on the sharp edge of another step. And that freaking hurt, believe me.

Then, you managed to trip again, on a freaking pebble, and landed on your palms again, on the freaking gravel. Needless to say, your bruises were increasing with every step you took. The Tripping God's really weren't in a good mood today.

Because of that, you were also late to your fourth lecture, one of the classes that you actually really loved.

One of the classes that had Kim Namjoon in them.

You couldn't concentrate on what the professor was saying because of the constant bickering of Namjoon who sat on the next row. Not being able to tolerate his shit today, you decided to just lay your head down and hopefully get some shut-eye. The professor surely won't notice you in a room full of people, right?

Wrong.

Absofuckinlutely wrong.

You woke up not five minutes later to the tapping of a pen against your desk.

You jumped when you saw the oh so familiar face of your English Lit professor peering down at you.

"Something wrong? Ms. Y/l/n?" He said, pretty seriously, contradicting the usual light hearted mood that the 50 year old was in. Maybe he had a bad day too.

"No sir. I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

"Glad to know." and with that, he walked away. As he did, you noticed a snickering Namjoon, and the possibility of him telling the professor about you occurred to you. But you really just didn't have the energy to speak up about it.

Your fifth and last lecture for the day had finally ended, resulting in you being in a slightly better mood than before.

You were packing your things up. The day had sucked. Everything that happened today was bad. And the fact that you would be getting your results the following week was making you even more stressed. You didn't do your best on the last set of exams, and you were low-key freaking out, but still out of energy to react too much.

With the throbbing ever present in your left side, and the bruises still on your knees and palms still burning, you made your way to the exit of the room.

But life really just couldn't stop itself from kicking you in the guts one last time.

"Hey there, klutz." Standing near the door was your arch nemesis, to put it dramatically, Kim Namjoon, with his group of six friends. Now the weird thing about them was, that they seemed to be cool people. And your first impression of Kim Namjoon was that he was a good, studious and kind boy. You even admired him for his hard work and philosophical essays that your English professor always read out to the class when he scored full marks. But what you didn't expect him to be was a bitchy, annoying and stuck up piece of shit who bullied others(or tried to) without any reason.

"Not today, Kim." You were in no mood today, the day had already been bad enough and you didn't need another one of his snide remarks today.

"Why y/n?? Too tired from sleeping in class??" He commented, as your tried to walk past him, but he followed.

"Hey! Don't ignore me, I'm hurt!!" He said in a mocking tone.

You kept walking, not paying mind to his ramblings, but it was getting harder by the minute.

"I really wonder why our English prof let you off without any punishment when you were sleeping you know. He doesn't usually go that easy on sleeping students. Makes me wonder what you were doing last night."

You stopped dead in your tracks and slowly turned around with a menacing glare. There were still students around and they had heard him, and they stopped all their antics to watch the scene unfold.

Your mind was already heavy from an the shit that happened today, and you were already on the verge of breaking down because of all the pressure that you were under, and this last comment really just hit. You eyes started becoming blurry from the accusation that was just thrown at you, and all these things led to where you are now,in front of Kim Namjoon with blurry eyes, unable to comprehend everything that was happening.

Before you could actually change your mind and walk away, you took a step ahead and spoke with more remorse than anything else.

"WHAT did you just say??" Your voice was laced with venom and this caused him to take a step back. Everyone was watching, but you couldn't care less. This has to stop.

"What did you just say??" You repeated your question. "WHAT did I ever do to you Kim Namjoon?? WHY do you hate me so much?? WHY are you so dead set on making my already difficult life even more difficult?? WHY do you do this?? I already have dealt with enough shit from you! What the fu-k do you think you're doing? Who the fu-k do you think you are and why the fu-k are you always bothering me??" Your eyes were still blurry, but as a single tear flowed down your cheek, the venom in your voice dissipated and all that was left was hurt.

"What did I ever do to you?? Why do you hate me?? Just because I got one fucking mark more than you in one fucking subject?? Because Mr.Song decided that it wouldn't hurt to appreciate my English essays?? Because your ego was hurt that someone other than you was also appreciated by a teacher?? WHAT WAS my fault?? You have made my life goddamned hard and I didn't even do anything to you!" By now both your cheeks were wet from tears streaking down your face and your eyes were red and puffy,the same eyes that shone brightly whenever your answers were correct, or whenever someone says something funny(not that Namjoon noticed or anything). As you kept taking, his eyes travelled to your left cheek, then jaw and he noticed the bruises that were on display. He also remembered how you were not writing anything in class today. Everyone, including Namjoon was utterly dumbfounded by your sudden outburst.

Is she hurt?

"..didn't even get enough time to get my shit together before your started ruining everything for me! I genuinely thought that you were a good, hard working student and i admired you for that!! But THANK YOU for shattering this illusion! THANK YOU for letting be know what a shitty stuck up brat you are! I told you to leave me alone but NO! First you spilled my coffee on me, and now you're accusing me of filthy actions. Do I look like A JOKE TO YOU?? Do I LOOK LIKE SOMEONE YOU CAN JUST PUSH OVER? I try my best to shrug off everything you say but everyone has a limit Namjoon. I know I'm not smart like you, I'm don't ace every test, I'm not the teachers favorite student, I can't do everything right, I always try my best but sometimes it's not enough, and I don't always look my best, i KNOW i look like shit sometimes and I fucking. Know. that I'm not perfect but you don't have to remind me everytime! " Your lips quivered as you spoke your heart. You took a deep breath, your eyes seemed to be overflowing today and you couldn't stop your feelings from flowing out too, while he stood there, eyes wide.

"I hate you Kim Namjoon. I fucking hate you! And I don't want to see your disgusting face ever again!" You hissed, and then speed walked away, leaving a very shocked group of people and a very regretful Namjoon.

--

The following week, you were happy to almost get rid of his presence. Almost

Because the lingering stares that he threw your way were not going unnoticed.

You thought the students were going to start acting weird after your little outburst the other day but luckily, everyone seemed to have forgotten about it. Or they just didn't care enough which is absolutely fine!!

But the constant feeling of being stared at was there.

Throughout the week, you had completely avoided Namjoon. Like sitting as far as possible in the classes you shared, leaving as soon as you caught his sight, and once even crossing the road to get away from him. And somehow you had made it to the end of the week. It was Friday again. And once you got through with the day, you wouldn't have to see his face for another 2 months.

You couldn't wait.

But again, like Deja Vu, as you collected all your belongings and walked towards the exit of the room, you saw him and his gang standing looking right at you.

He had tried to approach you earlier today. About 3 times actually, but you had deftly avoided any type of conversation. You just didn't want anything to do with him.

You searched for ways to escape but the only exit was the door where they were standing.

You took a deep breath and kept walking.

"Y/n please just talk to me once. I'm really sorry about everything please just give me a chance y/n I'll just take five minutes of your time, please. I request you."

You kept walking, even more swiftly than you were before.

"Please just give me a chance, y/n please." He followed you and just as you were about to exit, one of his friends blocked the door, and your only way of escaping. You had seen him around. Not just because he hung around Namjoon, but because he was a junior and quite famous too. You could see why girls swooned over his group of friends. Each and every guy, including the bunny looking boy blocking the door, was gorgeous af.

"Please y/n noona, just let him speak to you. He hasn't been eating or sleeping well these days." The bunny boy exclaimed, and for a moment your heart softened for like a teeny weeny second, but you didn't acknowledge his request.

"Please move." You said in a stern voice. But he didn't of course.

"Look, we know what happened last time he talked to you. But he really had been moping around all fu-king week over this and honestly it's starting to become bothersome. Of what I've seen and heard of you, you seem to be a logical person. Don't you think it'd be easier and faster if you just heard whatever he has to say and then went about your way?" The one who had a constant poker face, not to sure but you had heard people call him Yoongi, said. You contemplated for a moment, and deciding that it's better to get this over with, you turned around to face Namjoon. After all, you were a pretty logical person (😎)

"What?"

As you asked the question, Namjoon was ready to spill everything, every thought he had over the past week, every feeling, every apology. But for some reason, nothing came out of his mouth. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, unable to form sentences.

You tried raising an eyebrow, but couldn't since you couldn't master the art of raising single eyebrows, then looked back at his friends who seemed just as confused as you.

"Are your going to say anything or should I just leave?"

At that he started talking.

"I'm really sorry for everything that i did.." his eyes were cast downwards, "I've been a jerk and I honestly don't know why I did that..i had no reason to and I'm really sorry from the depths of my heart I...I just.." he couldn't comprehend what to say to explain how bad he felt.

"Ok. Fine. Its fine. Apology accepted." And with that, you moved across bunny boy and walked away. This time, nobody stopped you but Namjoon wasn't satisfied as he stared at your retreating form.

-

"But why would she forgive me that easily?? Urghhh" Namjoon was about to pull all his hair out in frustration. You were weird, he knew, but like...what the chocolate brownie fudge?? Nobody just walks off like that after being bothered for so long.

"Yah why are you beating yourself up over this?? Maybe she didn't want to waste any more time over you. Stop overthinking it." Jin exclaimed, already fed up of Namjoons continuous stomping.

"But hyung why wo-"

"Or maybe she likes you. Maybe that's why she forgave you so easily. Maybe she had been crushing on you and that's why she was hurt. mAYBE she's in love with you.Is that what you want to hear, Namjoon??" Yoongi said nonchalantly and Namjoon's face flared up as everyone looked at him.

"W-WHAT ARE YOU SAYING HYUNG.. s-she doesn't like me and i don't like her... Its just.."

"YAH JUST OFFER HER A COFFEE YOU IDIOT" Jin yelled, rather exasperatedly, because man was Namjoon being a pill right then!

He pondered over the suggestion for a moment. He did spill your coffee on you. And you seem to like coffee quite a bit. Maybe that wasn't such a bad idea for an apology. Well, second apology.

So there he was, standing in front of the bookstore that you worked at, still debating whether he should just go in or go home. His friends were standing a bit behind him, still more than annoyed that he dragged all of them over here. As he was wrecking his mind on the pros and cons, the doors opened and you came out with your earphones in your ears and a small smile on your lips.

As soon as you locked eyes, your smile disappeared. But you didn't say anything. Rather, you walked right by him. This was like the last time all over.

"Y/n w-wait.. could we talk for a minute??" You weren't planning on stopping but his voice sounded so small and fragile that you couldn't force your feet to move. His face seemed thinner and drained of energy.

It surely wouldn't hurt to hear him out last time. Yes. Last time

You stopped and he continued.

"I-I um... Do you.. do you want to out for coffee with me?? I i.. I mean like..umm..as an apology.. Can i offer you a coffee as an apology?? If you don't mind?? I just.. I've been feeling really guilty these days and the fact that you forgave me even though i treated you so badly had been eating away and i just can't seem to-"

"No" was all you said. Is this man serious?? First he treats you like you're a piece of trash and then he's apologising and asking you out?? I mean.. the he-k?? Is he kidding?

"But y/n please let me treat your to a coffee I'm really really sorry....."

As you started to walk away, again, he couldn't help but sigh and look down again. Of course you said no. Who would even accept a coffee as an apology?? He should've just not showed his face ever ag-

"Y/n noona there's this fair that is in town. We're gonna go there tomorrow. Do you wanna come??" Jimin said suddenly before you could completely disappear out of sight. He just couldn't bear seeing Namjoon looking like a kicked puppy any longer.

"Wh-"

"BEFORE you say no," he continued, "Don't you think it's better to go to the fair with all of us" he pointed at himself and his five other friends with a twinkle in his eyes, "than going to a voting coffee shop with Namjoonie hyung and listening to his boring philosophical lectures?? Huh? Huh?? That way, hyung would be guilt free too and you can have some fun too! Besides we never did anything to you noona! Let's be friends?? Please??"

Ok boy you gotta admit these guys have some serious convincing skills. Besides, the boy had a point. Even though they never said anything to Namjoon when he made comments on you, but they might have says something when you weren't around..? And even though limited, the interactions that you had with the boys were sweet.

You weren't quite sure why, maybe it was Jimin's sugary sweet smile that was compelling you to say yes, or maybe it was something else. Something you couldn't quite figure out.

But after thinking for sometime and seeing Namjoon's hopeful expression, you said yes.

Maybe it wouldn't hurt to make some new friends. Maybe this bad day won't turn out so bad after all.

[ashleightayla-blog1]

Moving on from 2016..

The last time I sat down and really wrote a long blog post was about this time last year, and my blog wasn’t the only thing I let go to shit in 2016..  Sitting here trying to start this post, I don’t even know how to begin to talk about 2016. It was such an up and down year, and I don't mean like waves on a beach type of ‘up and down’, I’m talking from a drought to a tsunami and back again over and over.  As you’d know if you read my last posts, I ended 2015 on a high note and started 2016 in a really good place. I started university, and I started well. My anxiety felt non-existent, I was really putting myself out there, I was making friends and enjoying the work. I had my health under control and everything was just sunshines and butterflies. I don't really recall the moment that changed. All I know is that within a couple of months, maybe even weeks, I was a completely different person living a completely different life.  But, I do understand the chain of events and I’m going to write them out, not because I think anybody would be so intrigued to read about how I let myself fail at life so miserably, but in the hopes that it will help to stop me from falling into the same pattern or making the same mistakes again.  At some point in the first couple of months/weeks of university, my body gave up. Again, as I wrote about in my previous posts, my health was particularly awful in 2015 and the couple years beforehand, though by the start of 2016 I felt that it was settled down and under control. I was physically able to go out, go on law camp, go to pub crawls, make friends, and go to university everyday. But, and I’m still not entirely sure why- maybe my body was just used to not doing a whole lot and I burned out my battery too hard and too fast during the first few weeks- but my health eventually crashed again. This meant that I physically couldn’t get to university, which made things really difficult. Because university was still new, not being able to attend took more of a toll than you might think. Suddenly, while everyone else’s friendships were strengthening and they were becoming more and more comfortable with each other, the buildings, the teachers, the cafes, everything.. i was becoming more and more isolated, and, ‘forgotten about’. I had a few friends that I tried to keep in contact with, but eventually they stopped asking if I was coming in to class, and just ended up becoming closer with those friends that WERE going to class with them. This also meant that by the end of the year when I would go in, it still felt new and unfamiliar, whereas for the people who started at the same time as me, it now felt like a second home to them. Meanwhile, I had started at a new hospital with new doctors, which was also incredibly daunting as I had had the same doctors at the Children’s Hospital for almost 19 years- a place that was like my second home with people that were like my second family. We were trying new treatments to get my health back under control, but I was failing all of them. All of this inevitably had a bit of a nasty effect on my mental health, which I didn't realise at first. Each day that I didn’t go into university, it made the thought of going back feel more and more impossible. I felt as if by the time I was well enough to go back, I would be like ‘the new kid’, as everyone else had cemented friendship groups that I had missed out on from being stuck at home. Also, the thought of going into uni (without someone I am close to that I trust and can depend on) was terrifying because of my health- I was so scared that I would flare up while I was there and wouldn't be able to get out of my seat at the end of class, or down the stairs, or back out to my car- and the thought of getting stuck there alone was too much of a risk for me to take. So instead, I worked from home where I felt safe to flare up. Except, eventually, I couldn't even do that. I felt so drained. I spent all day in bed, I was in constant pain, I never really got a good nights sleep, I felt depressed and annoyed that I was missing out on uni and that I had lost the friends I had worked so hard to make at the beginning of the year. Eventually my days consisted of waking up, having something to eat, taking pain killers that put me to sleep, then falling back asleep for the day. I would wake up in the evening when my mum got home from work and would lie to her about having a productive day and keeping up with my uni work, and then I would take some more medication and pain killers and go to bed for the night. The next day would be exactly the same. The only people I really talked to were my parents, (which was just smalltalk and I’d bullshit to them about keeping up with my classes so that they felt better and so that they wouldn’t be on my back), my doctors (who still didn’t know what to do with me) and my boyfriend, though he was also at university every single day, so I didn’t really see him that much- he’d come over late when he got home from uni, then have to leave early the next morning. My anxiety about going out got so bad that I even stopped going to his house, and eventually (much later in the year) it even stopped me from driving, and since he didn’t drive, we just didn't see each other as much. Despite all of this, I managed to pass my first trimester of uni. This was so exciting and gave me a sudden burst of motivation and confidence. Although regrettably, I figured that since I’d passed the term basically from home, I could successfully do the same in second trimester. Quickly I realised that this wasn’t going to work. I simply didn’t have the self discipline to work from home efficiently and thoroughly, but again, my health stopped me from being able to go in. I had to be constantly monitored in the hospital, I had emergency surgeries being scheduled last minute, then cancelled last minute, almost every week. Eventually though, I did end up having surgery, and it caused me to lose my eyesight in one of my eyes. Neither us or the doctors really understand how this happened and honestly I’m tired of thinking about it, it is what it is and understanding it still isn’t going to fix it. This obviously also took a toll. It didn’t hit me for a really long time. I obviously understood the issue and accepted it, I wasn’t in denial, but I just didn't think it would end up affecting me as much- the issue for me at that point was how much stress and heartache it was all causing for my family. I felt as though I had to laugh, and shrug it off, because I was the only one to do so. My family was upset about everything, and they were upset FOR me, so I figured the only way I could help them to not be so upset for me was to show them that I simply wasn’t that upset. I think this worked, I think it helped lighten up the situation and they were no longer too stressed about how I was going to cope. Losing my sight was painful, adjustments had to be made for focussing and reading etc. and my good eye had to adjust to being strained and doing all the work. This was another reason I found to just stay home, again falling into the same pattern as the first trimester. Exam time was incredibly stressful, I had missed basically the entire term and I knew none of the content from any of my subjects and I was convinced that I was going to fail. By some miracle though (and I do mean miracle in the literal sense), I managed to pass the second trimester too. This was the best thing to happen to me all year- I was so relieved, excited, and proud, because no matter what happened during the year with my health and no matter how much that sucked, it didn't ‘ruin’ the other aspects of my life. It didn’t stuff up my course, I had passed and I could successfully continue my course next year with the rest of my friends and I was so happy.  But it all sort of suddenly hit me at once. Coming down from such a high of having passed my first year of uni, when my life got ‘quiet’, everything started to  bubble to the surface. My boyfriend had gotten a full time job, and still didn’t have his licence and since losing my vision I wasn’t driving, so I really didn’t get to see him much again. I also didn’t have many friends, which meant I was spending most of my time alone. I never got to get close to any of the friends I had made at university, but I still had 2 close friends from school who I’d kept in contact with. We chatted a lot, but never really caught up- mostly because we had an unspoken and mutual understanding that they were busy with their life and I was busy with mine, but we were still great friends and would chat when we could. But, then when it came to actually catching up with them, no matter how much I wanted to be able to, my anxiety wouldn’t let me. I had spent the whole year basically by myself in the comfort and safety of my own house, or with the company of my boyfriend. At first, the familiarity would be with my boyfriend, and I was comfortable to go out as long as he was there with me, but eventually I just felt that I couldn't go out at all, even if he came, and I was just glued to the inside of my house. I was still upset at myself for losing the friends I had made at the start of uni, and I really didn’t want to lose my high school friends that I’ve known and loved for so long. When my mum was overseas I invited them and some of my boyfriends friends over one night, thinking it was the perfect situation because not only was my boyfriend there with me to carry some of the social burden, I was in the comfort of my own home- I had access to all of my medication, I could get comfortable and didn't have to worry about travelling or moving anywhere, so I should be perfectly comfortable. Unfortunately that’s not quite how it panned out. I loved seeing my friends, but after an hour I had had too much. I was mentally and physically exhausted which started to turn into physical pain. Having pain meant I couldn’t enjoy myself- I was panicked, I was sick, and I was stressed because there was nothing I could do.. I couldn't go home to get away from it, I WAS home, but I was trapped. Eventually, when my close friends had gone, I slipped away and went to bed and my boyfriend stayed up and entertained the rest of the guests. This only made my anxiety worse because I realised I really couldn’t hang out with people, no matter where we were. I realised that the problem wasn’t the time of the day, or the location, or the activity or even the other people- it was me. My friends are great and they try to understand my health issues, which means they’ll always offer to come to me for a catch up to make it easier. They’ll say things like “if you’re not feeling up to it I can just come to yours and we can watch movies”. I appreciate that so much and the way they think to cater to me, but now even the thought of someone (other than my boyfriend) sitting next to me while I lie in bed and watch TV makes me panic. How do I tell them that it’s no longer just my physical condition that makes it difficult for me to see them? My anxiety went from 0 to 100 so quickly last year. I started the year feeling like I had none. I was on top of the world and I was doing things I would have never thought about doing before. But as my health deteriorated, so did my confidence and so did my happiness. When the pain went up, so did the anxiety. At first I was still able to go out, as long as I wasn’t on my own. I’d go out with my dad a lot (albeit to the hospital) and I’d go out with my boyfriend to lunches and things. However, as an example, during lunch I’d be nervous about getting up and going to the toilet, or asking the waiter for some water or for some tomato sauce (a very important request in my books). I’d get anxious over small things like that and would have to ask my boyfriend if he could ask for me and instead he’d get annoyed that I was overthinking things and being stupid and, though I know he didn’t mean any harm, he’d ultimately tell me that if I wanted something I’d have to ask for/go and get it myself. That didn’t fix the fact that I was feeling anxious about it though and so instead I chose to just, not go out. Not only was I already anxious about talking to a waiter, I then became anxious about asking my boyfriend if he could ask/do something for me because I knew he’d get annoyed that I was being so stupid. If i didn’t go out, I wouldn’t be faced with situations (no matter how small or silly) that made me panic. So I just stayed home. Even recently, on holiday at a beautiful, relaxing, tropical resort, I wanted to book a manicure (something that’s meant for pampering yourself and for relaxing), and as we were on our way to do so I was panicking about something small- like what if they didn't have time to do it or what if I didn’t have the right amount of money or what if they need a certain person to do it and how do we know if that person is working today etc etc etc and my boyfriend just told me, rightly so, to basically shut up hahaha, that I was always overthinking things and worrying about pointless stuff. Even though I obviously know that he’s right, it’s not that I’m choosing to feel stressed, and so not only do I worry about the things that were originally making me worry, I then worry that my worrying is going to annoy and frustrate the people around me. So all in all, I feel it’s just so much easier to stay home. There’s nothing for me to worry about, and there’s no one for me to worry about annoying by worrying about things.  Having said that, I do want to get my anxiety under control for 2017. I want to do well at uni, I want to make friends and have fun like I did at the beginning of 2016 and most of all I don’t want to have to stress out at exam time because I’d let myself get so behind on all of the work. I am starting therapy this year, which I have mixed feelings about. Going to speak to someone is something that makes me the most anxious, so providing I can even get to a session each week, I am hoping that somehow it can help. I don’t feel very confident at the moment. I feel as if I’m going to be so stressed out in the sessions and about going to the sessions that I’m not really going to be taking in what they're saying and therefore it won’t help me to kick anxiety in the butt. But, I’m going to try. I’m going to take more time to treat myself (not in an online shopping way) but to take time out to do more of the things I love, and the things that I know will make me feel better about myself. I’m going to surround myself with people who are happy, supportive, and understanding, that I can genuinely trust to help me and to understand when I’m feeling anxious or stressed or sad or sore. I’m going to try and push myself to catch up with people, in the hopes that it’ll get easier every time. I don’t know how successful I’ll be at doing any of these things or how successful my year is going to be in general, but I do know that I’ve got to try. So good riddance to 2016. Though I am not starting this new year as a completely new and improved person, I’m definitely not going to have a repeat of 2016. I’m moving on!