#maybe more specifically aroflux/aceflux

[myersesque]

me infodumping to my bedroom abt the doctor's identity shifting between regenerations and yet still distinctly being Them and keeping some of the same beats:

[westwiiind]

I made a post about how I headcanon the httyd characters’ sexualities a while back on my main blog, but I’ve changed my mind about a lot of them so I’m gonna make another!!

Hiccup: honestly racked my brain for this one but I feel like hiccup is.....the token straight lmao. He has very strong bi wife energy though. Like VERY strong.

Astrid: why shes the bi wife of course. I think astrid is bi simply because she gives off that vibe, and I also think she’s demi and arospec. I feel like her being demi is pretty self explanatory, but her being arospec is something that may seem odd at first but makes a LOT of sense the more you think about her relationship with hiccup, especially in race to the edge. (Yes I could make an entire post about arospec astrid)

Fishlegs: poly bi/pan/etc methinks. Mayyybe cupioromantic aro? Maybe even cupioromantic aroace??

Snotlout: poly bi as well!!! Thor bonecrusher was definitely snotlout’s bi awakening I think we can all agree lmao

Ruffnut: aro pan poly. (Why yes, I do headcanon that she, snotlout, and fishlegs are in a relationship. Yes I do.) i headcanon that ruffnut’s attraction is queerplatonic rather than romantic.

Tuffnut: definitely aroace. This seems pretty self explanatory lol

Gobber: I don’t need a headcanon for him because it’s already canon that he’s gay!!

Stoick: honestly we don’t really get to see a whole lot of stoick in terms of his interpersonal relationships, so I don’t really have a headcanon for him. He loves valka, so I don’t think he’s gay or aro/ace, but anything more specific than that I just don’t know.

Valka: aspec. Definitely aspec, but not aro/ace. I think she’s demi or gray or even aroflux/aceflux.

Eret: gayyyy this man is gay. Maybe demi/gray though too.

Heather: demiro lesbian. I headcanon that the reason things didn’t pan out with fishlegs was because her attraction to him was a combination of very strong platonic/quasiplatonic attraction and comphet. She just gives off very lesbian energy you know?? And I love her relationship with fishlegs as platonic/qp but not romantic. Romantic heathlegs just never seemed to have chemistry to me, and it felt awkward and forced lol. Sweet, but not romantic.

Atali: gaaaay. Maybe ace lesbian? Honestly we didn’t get to see a whole lot of her so I’m not really sure but she definitely gave off gay vibes to me. Idk maybe being the leader of a mystical tribe of all-female warriors has something to do with it lol.

Dagur: bi/pan/etc, but generally with a preference for men. I would hc him as gay but I honestly really liked his and Mala’s relationship and it seemed pretty authentic and believable to me. I mean what more could you want in a relationship than a girlboss x malewife dynamic????

Mala: not a clue. Not a clue in the world. She kept her personality VERY close to the vest. I guess I kind of think of her as either demi/gray or cupioromantic aroace, i don’t really know. Probably aspec in some way.

[just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi]

can you please explain the concept of aromantic? I'm sorry, I don't mean to offend, I'm just curious and confused. I'm not sure if I am aromantic or not. I thought aromantic meant that we don't have the capacity to feel attraction towards another. But you mentioned in an earlier post that you have experienced attraction before. Again, I mean no offense!

No offense ever taken! Really! I promise 💚🤍🖤🤍💜 

Also, most of this is just my opinions but I’ve linked any sources I used. 

So, Aromantic means “not interested in a romantic relationship” while asexual means “not feeling or compelled by sexual attraction.” They’re closely related, but not the exact same thing (hence why you can be an “aro-ace”)  

As a lot of stuff, Aromanticism and asexuality on a spectrum. (These definitions come from a post on Glaad) There’s:

Gray-asexual - people who experience limited sexual attraction. In other words, they experience sexual attraction very rarely, or with very low intensity

Demisexual - feels sexually attracted to someone once they've made a strong emotional connection

Reciprosexuality and recipromanticism -  someone who does not experience sexual/romantic attraction to someone until they know that the person is attracted to them.

Akoisexuals/Akoiromantics - may experience sexual/romantic attraction, but that attraction fades if it is reciprocated.

Aceflux or aroflux has a sexual/romantic orientation that fluctuates along the spectrum between asexual and sexual, and aromantic and romantic. Some people who are aceflux or aroflux will always stay within the asexual or aromantic spectrum, while others may occasionally fall outside of it.

So, as you can see, there’s so many! And quite a few of them are umbrella terms, so it can change and move along. “Asexual” is the term that kinda covers all of these. 

For me personally

I identify as Aro Ace because that just feels easiest to me. My sexuality is something that I don’t feel like impacts my day to day life much. I barely think about it, so I - personally - don’t feel the need to categorise it further than just “ace.”

Please note that that’s a personal view that’s more about me. I’m curious, but I’m not really a big label person. It’s more like “eh, that’s good enough. I don’t feel the need to classify this any further.” BUT that doesn’t mean other people can’t! It just means I’m too lazy to consider it further, lol. If I had to use a more specific category, I would probably fall into Gray? Or maybe Aceflux? Idk I’m just really happy with Ace as my label. 

As you mentioned, yes I have had crushes before! One was in 5th grade (and I don’t remember it well. I do think there was an attraction in there, but it was also a lot of “all the other girls have crushes and I like the boy as a friend so uhh crush?), and the other was about a year ago (aka ~21 years old) That one was interesting, because it was almost entirely physical. Just a lot of blushing really. It was really confusing, honestly, and I didn’t like it. It didn’t make me feel good. I felt off-kilter and like I was out of control. Even when given the opportunity, I did not pursue it. Made me uncomfortable. 

So yes, even though I have experienced attraction, I can’t say that I enjoyed it and wanted it to be over very quickly, lol. 

But in the end, all of them are valid! At least for me, I haven’t had anyone with the Ace community specifically do any gate keeping (to be fair, all the Ace people I interact with are other Whump blogs and we’re all just so damn nice and accepting so idk). 

If I had to make an assumption based on only my own personal perspective, I don’t think that anyone here really cares how much attraction you experience. It’s more like, “Ace?” “Ace!” “AYYYYYYYY so dragons, eh?” (that’s just an old joke, that all Ace people talk about is dragons.) We just bond over other things, and it’s a big vibe of “not my kink, I don’t care.”   

So, if it feels right and brings you comfort, use it! But don’t feel compelled to make a firm decision of which exact type you are. 

(This is nice interview with some people about being Aro)

[a-gay-gathering]

My Pride Flags 🏳️‍🌈

I've just finished my first class for the day, and I'm bored on my break so I decided I would make a post showing the pride flags that I personally identify with :)

1 - LGBTQ+/Pride Flag

This is the main flag that I knew for the community for a long time, and although it can also specifically be used by gay men, I prefer to use the specific gay male flag, created to counteract the lesbian flag. Identifying as part of the community, this flags represents everyone the falls within its many identities, of which I am proud to represent :)

2 - Queer Flag

It hasn't been a very long time since I began identifying as queer, the reason being that my identity is complex, and therefore labelling it as queer is an easier label, and can also act as an umbrella label that can help me get acquainted with people with other complex identities.

3 - Gay

I absolutely love the colours of this flag, and as someone whose identity does still partially align with masculinity, and as someone who is only attracted to men, I identify with this flag. I also feel like gay men having their own flag, rather than being represented by the same flag that the entire LGBTQ+ community uses, helps to show that gay men are just a small part of the community, and that other identities need to be just as represented and cared about.

4 - Aceflux

I considered whether or not I was part of the aspec community quite a bit, but ultimately decided I wasn't, until I realized that aceflux was a thing. I've never felt particularly strong sexual attraction, and so I believe that most of the time I am graysexual, but at other times I am allosexual and at other times lithsexual, fraysexual or reciprosexual. It is hard to determine all the time, but there is a definite fluidity to my level of attraction, leading to my identifying with this label.

5 - Aroflux

As aroace occasionally (but not always) go hand in hand with one another, it would make sense for aceflux and aroflux to go with one another in some people. I never suspected I was on the aromantic spectrum at all, until the realization hit that I was in a stint of several months, never thinking of a romantic relationship, and instead I just felt a lot closer to my friends in a platonic way. It was then that I realized that I was aroflux, and that my attraction varies significantly, and more often than my sexual attraction.

6 - Nonbinary

As I have mentioned before, I have circled through numerous identities within the nonbinary umbrella, but finding a term is hrd and I have decided to just stick with nonbinary for now, even though my gender identity is much more complex than that.

7 - Genderqueer

Although I don't identify as genderqueer as strongly as I do nonbinary, I still like the flag, and fit into the identity, having a non-normative experience with gender itself. :)

Thank you to anyone who reads this! I hope that maybe you learned something and know more about me and my identity

If somehow you come across this and want to say what flags you identify as, I would be more than happy :)

[ayy-spec]

Anything to Add?

The final question in this survey was a write-in section for people to leave any additional comments. 113 people responded.

Important/Particularly Interesting Comments

• I hope this goes well for you because you seem nice and if you have any advice for new to the community 15 year olds like me, don't be afraid to share because I'm trying to embrace my sexuality as much as possible but it can be hard when I don't know where to go or turn to to find what I'm supposed to do and where to ask questions and just fully embrass this part of me and it can be hard when I don't even know many if any aspecs so representation is great and it is helpful to hear your experiences and how you handle certain parts, so just keep doing what your doing because it is making a difference [note: 🥺🥺😭]

• i often consider myself more as just aroace rather than aro and ace seperately so i prefer seeing the blue and orange aroace flag over the individual aro and ace flags

• I don't really shorten my identity often with aroace, only when im feeling very romance repulsed and its been a while since I felt romantic attraction. I am a pan-demiromantic asexual. My pan label makes me feel more connected to the lgbt+ community bc it feels like my nonbinary and intersex status doesn't count either. I know I belong in the queer community, but the lgbt+ community is so sexual orientation focused.

• Thank you for having a wide variety of labels to choose from in the options!! I don't see the term aegoromantic very often on things, it feels nice to be known I guess haha

• Thank you for this, i recently started thinking about being in arospec and it was so relieving, all this time i thought something was wrong or maybe i was broken. I'm still trying to learn more about it, and I'm grateful for people willing to teach and help

• didn't realize I hadn't experienced sexual attraction until I finally did and was like "OH, no wonder all my other relationships felt like I was playing pretend"

• I dont often tell people I'm gray aroace. Not because of shame or it not being "as important" (I'm a gay trans dude) but I think because I just feel its a very intimate part of myself, as well as my romanticism and sexuality (in terms of like asexuality) feeling as though it doesn't always need a label. I'm fine just being myself most of the time, a lot of labels can be tricky for myself I think. I'm happy the label exists nonetheless though because Its nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

• I'm queer! But if I'm getting down to the bones of it, I'm pan/ace. Still relearning how to be proud of that, after The Grand Clusterfuck years back.

• even though I would be considered to have an alloromantic orientation, alloace isn't really a term I feel any strong connection or attachment to

• i'd like to add that i do consider myself alloaro and use that label openly but i'd also not consider myself 100% allosexual. i'm questioning my sexuality but even if i do end up feeling more solidly ace-spec i'd still use the alloaro label

• Idk who else does this or if this is interesting enough to write down, but I thought I would! I use Aroace as a label. Other, smaller labels inside that would probably fit me better! Aroace feels too big, like it doesn't *really* define exactly who I am. But at the same time, I prefer using it because more people know what Aroace means (at least compared to myrromantic and myrsexual). I use Aroace so the public can define me. I don't typically use it around my close friends 'cause they already know my idiosyncrasies and where I really am. They already made their own definitions for me, so I don't have to make one for them!

• I'm still figuring myself out, so I leave myself at the blanket terms and hopefully everything'll work out in the end

The rest of the responses are below:

Comments Alerting Me About Typos (that I was then able to resolve)

• There's a typo in your "sexual orientation labels" question, because you have Aroflux listed and not Aceflux, but I didn't want to confuse things so I put Aceflux (which I do use) under Other. I also am polysexual (I flux between polysexual and asexual but I am always aegosexual) but didn't know if I should but it under Other anywhere since it's not an acespec label. I consider my polysexuality tied to me being aego/aceflux though, which is why I mention it here.

• the sexual orientations options are the same of the romantic ones ( for example, there's arovague and arospike in the sexual cathegory)

People Clarifying/Expounding Upon Their Own Identity/Experiences

·  to clarify: i'm unsure whether or not i am demi or aceflux; so i use graysexual since both labels technically fall under that as an umbrella term.

• I’m still a confused gorl and I really only know that I don’t like sex it sexual acts but I do like romantic and sensual acts

• Sex/romance repulsed and I have aesthetic attraction

• I'm also animesexual and fictosexual (and romantic I guess but I don't like using the SAM for myself).

• I have never seen most of these labels, haha, I expect one of them is the one I always forget that's for being aro due to past trauma but people always assume it's romantic/sexual trauma so I don't use it and thus have forgotten it...but that's the essay I'm not usually up for writing: was biromantic but then had several awful life events on top of each other and had a complete breakdown and have been aro since. Unclear if it's permanent but it's been 14 years now. [note: I believe this person is thinking of caedromantic]

• I tend to use the word ace more than asexual because it's shorter, but I don't feel more favorably about one than the other.

• i can't tell the difference between platonic vs romantic attraction, and am unsure if people i have "liked" in the past was romantic, platonic, or a fake stemming from peer pressure.

• Also Gender-Neutral/Agender

• I’m gray-aro but identify more with being biromantic even though I know I’m aro-spec. As for sexual orientation, I’m just completely ace xD

• The fact I'm still trying to figure out my gender makes it harder to pinpoint exactly what my orientations are :( but I usually say I'm queer, and if it's safe: Bi Ace, and if I can get more specific: biromantic grey-asexual

• I also use a platonic label (biplatonic). I use it not in a friendship way, but more like in a QPR way.

• Thank you for doing this! My identity on the aro/ace spectrums has shifted a lot over the years and while I’ve just settled on aroace and queer for the most part, this community is so diverse and under appreciated. People who find joy in/identify with micro-identities are valid and deserve representation!

• I'm still figuring out my romantic orientation but it's looking less allo by the day lmao

• My romantic label is very fluid, but in terms of sexual labels, very sex repulsed Asexual

• Content with just Aspec cause it's difficult to pinpoint anything but cool with both asexual/ace and aromantic/aro

• I think of my romantic orientation as halfway between aromantic and homoromantic

• I'm a polyamorous ace, if there'd be a way to include that sometimes that'd be neat :)

• I am still questioning my identity

• I used to identify as 100% ace but now I have no idea other than that I seem to be pan-ace in some way shape or form so my identity is ???people???

• Sex/romance repulsed and I have aesthetic attraction

• to clarify: i'm unsure whether or not i am demi or aceflux; so i use graysexual since both labels technically fall under that as an umbrella term.

Queer Rights

• Trans rights, baybee 🤠🦂

• I just hope a-spec and aro-spec people will experience less negativity and hate this year <3

• Aspec rights!!

• aspec rights, baby

People Being Nice to Me  (I appreciated this thank you everyone!!)

·  :)

• Have a good day

• Uhhh, cool survey, nice to see a lot of labels.... good job! Nothing I have to add, it was great

• Have fun chief, thank you for your work

• Thank you for creating!

• thanks for the survey! I don't know too many aspec in person so I love participating in things like this about the ace/aro community!

• Thank you for what you’re doing

• just hi :)

• thanks!!

• I really love your blog! Reading your posts always makes me happy :) [note: thank you!]

• Good luck, have a nice day !

• I hope you're having a good day :)

• you're lived and valid af!! have a great day!!!

• Thank you for all your hard work i really appreciate it ☺️

• Drink some water Right Now OP

• Nope, :> hope the best for you.

• Cool survey, 10/10 would survey again.

• 💛

• Have a nice day uwu

• Nope! Have a nice day!

• Thank you for making pride flag edits! They're really nice! [note: thank you!!]

• nope, but this is really cool!!

• ❤️

• Have a good day.

• I think this survey idea is super cool! Definitely a great way to see what sort of aspec people are on tumblr :)

• You are doing the lords work

• Thank you for asking us.

• good luck!

• This is really cute idea :)

• I hope you're having a nice day!

• Good luck in your endevours!

• Thank you for making our community visible!

• Have a good day :3

• Have a good day!!

• Keep doing great stuff!

• Thank you for all the positivity I get from your blog! It's super helpful, keep it up :) [note: thank you!!]

• thanks for doing this. recognition is always nice

• Have fun <3

• Lots of love 💛

• This is a cool project, thanks for doing it and good luck! :)

People Saying They Love Me (and I love you, random a-specs)

·  i love you OP!!!!!

• love you, hope you have a great day

An A-Spec Person Being Rude to Other A-Specs

• If you enjoy sex with your romantic partner then you are not asexual

A Person Who Is Not A-Spec Being Rude To A-Specs

• sweetie im sorry that you're so insecure that you feel like you have to make up new identities to feel better about yourself. if you are a lesbian or bisexual please know that you are welcome in the community, but other than that making thousands of microlabels like this makes a huge joke out of what was once an important and respected group. nobody takes us seriously anymore because of this shit. does labelling your identity like this really help you with anything? demisexual and fraysexual and all this are just fancy words for normal human feelings that everyone has. there is no need to microlabel it.

Other

· [variations of “no” (12)]

• not sure that helps lmao but still hope it does. all the best

• Axolotls (or as I like to call them, asexulotls) are amazing and I love them [Note: the man in question]

• Sorry, I can't remember the names of any blogs that do edits

• Ok random but the colors of the aro/ace flag? The blue and orange one? They’re gorgeous.

• I'm not so sure if I should use the aroace flag, I feel comfortable using both aro and ace flags, but I don't like the colors for the aroace flag :c [note: these are in chronological order, it’s a total coincidence that these comments are together]

• Curious to see where the survey goes

• It would be cool if you could also do some aplatonic-spectrum edits!

• there were fully half of the terms on that list that i had never even seen before. like, everything below litho down to no label was entirely new to me. at some point i will look into those! (but not right now, my brain is full enough at the moment)

• actually had to look up the majority of these orientations. Thank you for the opportunity to learn!

• Gonna reblog and follow and hopefully learn a bit more, about others and myself

Note: The only comment that is not listed in order is the first comment, which I put at the top because I found it the most important. It’s so important that kids and teens have space to explore their identity and learn about themselves. The reason I made this blog in the first place was because I was 19 and working on figuring out my gender and sexuality. Now that I’m a bit older and understand things better, I’m so glad that I’m able to help people in this way. 

I make it a point to be very openly queer in my life and at work because I need LGBTQ+ people, especially youths, to know that we’re here. I’m lucky that I live somewhere that I can be visibly queer and speak about it openly. We are everywhere, and there’s more of us than you think!

Something that I really like about the comments at the top is that they show how diverse we are, and how people use words differently. Some people feel like they’re more aroace than aromantic and asexual separately, and others consider their romantic and sexual orientations to be completely different things.

I definitely relate to the person who identifies are myrromantic and myrsexual with their friends but just says aroace when speaking with people they don’t know as well. I believe a lot of people use different words depending on who they’re speaking with.

[amazingaro]

I’m in my 30s and never truly understood any of the romance and sexual shit everyone kept saying was normal. Anyway i was curious since I occasionally have romantic and sexual spikes would I be considered a grey-aroace???? Still trying to find me if that makes since lol thanks for listening

You could definitely be gray-aroace! Other, more specific lables, you could check out include arospike/acespike and aroflux/aceflux. Here’s a post with the definitions and flags, and here’s our tag about all things aroflux! Of course you don’t have to settle on those labels or even the grey-aroace label, but if you think it might fit i would encourage you try it on and see if it works for you :)

Another thing - you can just call yourself aroace if you’d prefer! You don’t have to get into the nitty gritty if you don’t want to, and even if you do you are totally welcome to also just call yourself aroace from time to time if it’s easier for you to explain or something.

Also, being sexually aroused or wanting romance doesn’t necessarily mean you’re experiencing that kind of attraction. You may well be, I don’t know! But maybe not, and if that’s the case, plain old aroace might work for you as well.

And finally, if you decide later that you don’t like any of these labels and you pick another one, that’s totally fine! We in the aspec community want what’s best for YOU! I hope you figure it out, but it’s also okay if you don’t- even though I’ve ID’ed as aroace for years, I know I still question from time to time. Questioning is normal and healthy; it’s good to check back in on yourself from time to time. And check out another aro blog I run, @splend-aros , if you need some affirmations now and again.

Best of luck!!- Mod A

[roxzania]

Hey Rox, sorry this question is going to be a little heavy, and no worries if you’re not comfortable answering. So, I came out as a lesbian to my close friends about two years ago. Yet, I still often worry that my identity is wrong. It’s really weird and I don’t know to describe it because it’s not that I’m really attracted to men, I’m just worried I’ve conditioned myself to think I’m not? Does that kinda make sense? I guess, basically, I worry that since I seem to be constantly second guessing my sexuality, I’m wrong about it, since most other members of the LGBTQ+ community seem very straight forward in their indemnities. So, is it normal to constantly question? Or is it something I should be more aware of? Thank you, I know this question is long and it’s totally okay if you don’t know the answer or you’re not comfortable, I just wanted to hear someone else’s in the community’s opinion but don’t really feel comfortable approaching my friends with this. Thank you so much!

Hello, Anon! No worries, it's a wonderful question and I actually often go through this myself too. A small warning, I do talk a lot and hopefully, I covered a lot of points that might help you and others who are struggling with a similar issue. If you need more clarifications on anything, shoot me another ask!

Speaking from personal experience and talking with others about this topic, I'd say not everyone is going to be 100% sure they are using the right term/label for themselves. Sometimes it's just that nasty critical part of ourselves, which can be created from a number of reasons. Even it's valid to "second guess" or question your feelings, you should also work on trying methods to help "quiet" that critical inner voice. There are a lot of ways to help improve your self-worth and self-image, so I recommend doing a little research to help ease that distress. I definitely recommend the search phrase "how to silence your critical inner voice", or similar phrases that can lead to discovering possible solutions that will give you that positive self boost you need/want.

As for questioning sexuality, I consider it somewhat normal. I go through it almost daily and quite similar to "what if I'm not this or that?". Which, even if you end up using another term to describe your feelings that's still valid. From experience, I use multiple terms to fill in the gaps that some terms make me feel are there. Like I use Abrosexual with Aceflux (Abroromantic with Aroflux) because sometimes I feel like saying "I'm Aceflux and Aroflux" doesn't completely define my experience. And without the additional Abro term, I'd probably second guess more often than I do about my sexuality.

But for others, who use a singular term to describe their feeling it's a little different. But even if you question it, your still a valid Lesbian until you say "I really feel like this other term fits and I intend on using it instead". Cause it's up to you (and only you) to say what you are and how you use terms to define yourself. And it's okay if you are still looking for terms because people change and some terms fit better than others for some people. But the most important thing to remember; you don't owe an explanation to others about your sexuality, even if it says the same or changes over time. You don't owe your inner critic an explanation either until it's ready to have a calm serious talk that isn't mentally draining. I highly recommend writing down your thoughts, maybe describe your feelings more, and flesh them out to make them solid for you to visually see. This helps me, personally. And it's nice to sit down and have control when you want your brain to have that kind of talk. And if it's hard to control when (because sudden doubt, worry, and anxiety happen) there are coping methods to help you through distressing thoughts like that. I do want to make a small note here, that sometimes doubt can stem from what other people say. Either little clips from what you heard or full conversations you were a part of, either direct towards you or not. A lot of people don't recognize that what people say does affect the inner critic as well, either make them worse or say specific things that dig right into your skin. The brain is a tormentor in this regard. If you think there are other people's voices instead of the inner critic, it's okay to remove yourself from that person who said that for a little bit. Or if they're close, like family or friend, and you're fine talking with them. There probably should be a bit of a conversation there, like "hey I've recently been feeling bad and it might have come from what you said this one time. Can we have a serious talk about it?". Because there are some doubts you can work through with other people (if you're comfortable or think this will be more effective).

A little more personal story time (relevant and a real-life example); I use to identify as Pan(sexual/romantic) pretty much completely and I wasn't 100% sure or just doubted my own feelings about it. But I liked everyone and I wanted to be with people in a non-asexual/non-aromantic way at the time. So the doubt was somewhat unreasonable and it made me question a lot. It was a whole lot worse when some people around me knew and I went into a romantic relationship with a friend I was really close to. I can barely describe those doubts because I barely remember what the thoughts exactly said, but I knew I had them. And it made me feel bad. At the time, I wasn't really officially out as Non-binary (at the time that's how I identify as) because I doubted that even more because of the people around me. Because I told them I was Pan first... and it didn't get a nice reaction. The overused joke (often used sarcastically) of "So you like cooking pans?" left a sting but nothing else was said about me being Pan... and I was pretty naive to stick around the person who said it and those who laughed. That was probably the only time I'll hate that joke... and I kinda liked that joke, but it wasn't funny in that situation. It just made me doubt being Pan even more. And when I went into a relationship with possibly my bestest friend, who identified as a girl and Bisexual at the time. It just went downhill from there despite the good times. It was the awful running joke that we were the Lesbian couple of the friend group and that's all we were called... which made me wonder "was I a lesbian or pan?". Because... I really liked her! Like... a lot... but at the same time, when we were alone we talked about liking other people (mainly fictional characters) which included various genders which made me feel still Pan. But outside of that, I was considered a Lesbian. Which no one likes being assumed. Honestly... I even consider identifying as Lesbian once because of the doubt. It was just way too much in a way. And my girlfriend, she was doubting her sexuality too from what she told me. Slowly... we weren't talking as much. We became out of touch, as we liked to talk about anything and everything. But I understand now that sometimes feelings die or there are other people out there who connect better. There were so many things that just happened... It was in all honesty a mess at the end, but I kinda grew from it. The doubt that festered from everything that happened made me question my sexuality and I discovered new things about myself as I reflected back on everything and anything as I was wrecked when she broke up with me. I discovered a lot and I was able to finally say after recovering; "hey this is how I feel and nothing going to change my mind except myself". Because I didn't say a lot of stuff while being with the one person I wanted to be the most honest with, all because of the doubt inside of me. I didn't tell people I started identifying as Genderfluid, which is probably the surest thing I know about myself... and it's like a 50-75% sure. And I didn't explain to anyone that I grow romantically attracted to people after I get to know, because most of the time (with like a crush) it was out the window cause I didn't understand there were so many other attractions other than the main 3.

To be clear after that story, I'm not saying letting doubt change you is a necessarily good thing. I'm saying doubt can make you miserable and it should be taken care of sooner rather than later, otherwise, you could completely lose something (I didn't lose because of my doubt, but it took somewhat of a back seat in the events, but for some doubt could be in the leading role of misfortune). And everyone's self-reflection ends differently (obviously).

Hopefully, this all makes sense? I'm writing from the heart as best as I can while also trying to stay on topic. It's a complicated topic. But just know that it's your decision, in the end, to define how you feel. And when in doubt, doubt that doubt. It's okay to question, but don't be quick to erase what you have because of that doubt until you have that reflective serious talk with yourself. So you don't get further doubt and cycle through that mentally draining wreck of thought. You need to look out for yourself and keep yourself safe, even from your own thoughts and inner voice.

Stay friendly & Safe, my lovely Anon friend! And remember you are valid and shouldn't doubt yourself unless you're ready to reflect on your feelings and thoughts! - Roxzania💙 My DNI List (mobile version)

[ask-pride-color-schemes]

Hey, can I use term glaro- if my attraction is stronger (not experiencing only) when it's cold? If not, which term should I use?

I’m not glaro, but I’m demisexual, and I feel like the experience of “not experiencing attraction at all unless [condition]” is different than the experience of “experiencing attraction but also experiencing attraction to an additional gender/more strongly if [condition]”.

People have asked here more than once stuff like “what if I’m regularly attracted to [gender] but I can also be attracted to [other gender] if [condition], should I say I’m [a-spec label] regarding [other gender]?”, and the answer is mostly "the label can be useful while explaining your experiences, but it can be confusing without extra explanation and innacurate when used on its own, so unless you are going to explain you are probably better off using vaguer labels”. I think this is a similar case.

Most labels don’t cover weak attraction, and when they do, they mostly cover it on the basis of being a-spec identities: gray-a can mean both “weakly attracted” or “attracted to only a few people”, aroflux/aceflux/etc. cover anything from completely aromantic/asexual/etc. to allo (and this allo can be any non-a-spec orientation, such as pan or gay) and “anything in between” and so on.

There’s -slide terminology, but that covers people who go from repulsed to favorable, not intensity of attraction.

There is moll-/molli-, which covers having a weak or soft attraction, but it also isn’t fluid.

I think the possibilities here are:

Coin a new term that means specifically what you want it to mean;

Use duo-, which means your orientation is fluid between a set of orientations, and then say you are fluid between molli- or gray- and something else, maybe also specifying that what you are depends on if it’s cold or not;

Use a broader label that covers both your state of weak attraction and your state of stronger attraction (aroaceflux? Aroacespike? Pomo? Queer? Bi?)

Sorry I couldn’t provide further help.

~ Tath

[softlytheeveningcomes]

Aphrodite and Asexuality

TW: mentions of (but no descriptions of) abuse, cutting

Aphrodite is the Goddess of love, beauty, and desire. She finds herself typically cast with sexual love and often ONLY sexual love. This is very limiting for this Goddess who has many archetypes and very scary for a person who finds themselves upon the ace spectrum. I had been working with Artemis, since becoming Pagan up until about 5 months ago (Oct. 2016). Artemis, as you might know, is a virgin Goddess, one who kills for her honor, a fierce warrior, she is what I needed during that time in my life. I needed to get over the years of abuse that I endured. I needed to learn how to be a fierce woman. Let me preface this next part (and all the parts to follow) by saying that this is my experience with Aphrodite and it might now be like this for anyone else, Goddesses don't often have conditions, Artemis didn't have one for me.

Nevertheless, it has always been Aphrodite for me, I always say that she has called to me even before I was Pagan, but I didn't fully understand it until I was open to it. Then, when I was open to it there was the condition that I could not be a virgin and work with her. Since my time with Artemis was so important for my healing, I believe that Aphrodite wanted me to spend time, maybe 'wanted me to,' is the wrong words but she understood that I needed to find myself. I needed to learn how to exist outside of love (getting over abuse), to learn how to defend myself from those who wish to do me harm, and how to love and be loved (something I am still working on), especially without the complication of sex, before I could work with Her.

To condense my abuse down to the least amount of detail, because this isn't about him, a specific part of my abuser's emotional games related to me remaining a virgin. One day, I realized that I wasn't having sex because I was afraid of him. I realized that every time I had a panic attack during a sexual situation it was because I was afraid of him. I realized that by remaining a virgin because I was doing so out of fear was allowing him to keep power over me. I was tired of being afraid, and I was tired of being powerless so, in October 2016 I had sex for the first time. I had sex to find my power again. I needed to find my power again. TW: The way I feel about my abuse; I was disgusted with myself, disgusted that I allowed him to keep his power over me for so long. I was disgusted with myself for not realizing it sooner. I was basically ready to have sex with whoever I next saw because I couldn't stand that he still had control over me. In the past I have been pretty reckless, so luckily my soul mate knows me well enough she didn't allow me to self-destruct.

Last week I fluctuated back into my asexual state. This was the first time since I had sex 5 months ago that I experienced this fluctuation. I did have sex during this time, and I am going to try to articulate this right now, but it's difficult. I was physically aroused but mentally there was a disconnect. Normally, I am into it mentally and physically, this time I remember wanting to do it but then not really feeling anything when it was happening. This is strange to say, normally, I very much enjoy sex. I was okay with having sex, I wanted to, but emotionally I felt nothing. I don't like the way that sounds, but I don't know how else to say it.

Further, I have realized that I am aromantic, currently using the aroflux/demiromantic labels. I don't experience the desire to be in a relationship, demiromantic is more fitting I think, but since I am new to the label, I am not sure about it yet. I am currently in a relationship. Background: I have known my boyfriend for years, but we reconnected 4 months ago, so when I say "first saw him," I am referring to 4 months ago because before that reconnection I wasn't really attracted to him. Sorry, if you are reading this, but I think you already knew that. Anyway, when I first saw him, WHEW, I wanted to have sex with him (aceflux), but that was all (again, sorry, love, if you're reading this, clearly I wanted more eventually). Once we started talking and hanging out, I started catching feelings (demiromantic). Aphrodite was screaming her approval in my face, there were roses outside his house (she has used flowers to tell me that I am on the right path before...) He is an Ares (I don't think this part needs to be explained) and if he had to align himself with a Greek God it would be Heph. My tarot cards (which I use to "communicate," with Aphrodite) said she loves him. Potentially these things aren't signs (but I chose to believe they were because of the timing, after the faith test (which I will cover later on, and the way they came about to me, there are no coincidences in my opinion so they were "signs" to me). Long story short, Aphrodite loves this boy... like more than I do *eye roll.*

Since, the start of our journey together, Aphrodite and I, we have been working on self-love/care, being more 'war-like,' (Ares has been around), finding my sexual power, and she has been a relationship role model during this polyamorous stage in my life. Yes, classically Ares/Aphrodite/Hephaestus were not poly but in my canon they are. Sex is an acceptable form of worship or offering for Aphrodite, and one that I had been using and one that I came to her through, so when I realized that I was fluctuating BACK, I was fearful. I was nervous about how this would impact my relationship with Her. I was nervous about labeling myself as aromantic/asexual because relationships are so important to her. I don't feel it affecting our relationship and I don't feel like it should. Aphrodite is a very accepting Goddess, especially of those in the LGBTQ* community. There are many ways to approach her. She is beauty, born a fully developed woman from the sexual organs of Uranus. She is masculine and feminine, and sexual even in birth. There is the Aphrodite who is focused entirely on sex/love/adult relationships (her most well-known archetype). There is the independent (feminist) Aphrodite. There is the Aphrodite that wants you to find beauty in everything including yourself. Aphrodite is an intellectual, femme fatale, compassionate, the list goes on.

This leads back to the question at hand: How (especially in my instance where I came to her through sex) can one be asexual and a devotee of Aphrodite?

A few weeks ago I had what I was considering a "crisis of faith." I was considering oath binding myself to Her, which is not something you can break free from. This obviously made me panic, like I do in any relationship. I started to think about my Christianity, about my soul and what would happen if I went down this path? Basically, I was thinking about committing myself to Aphrodite and like I do in any relationship, or form of commitment, I started to panic and run and sabotage (sort of). Clearly, I wasn't ready to devote myself to Her. I was discussing with Rivka, this crisis that I was having. Now, I haven't had the best luck in love, religiously, romantically, personally, etc. She suggested that I am searching for the love that I have been 'deprived,' of. I needed to figure out what Aphrodite meant to me, who She is in my life.

Clearly, I still haven't figured everything out. We are two beings trying to form a connection/relationship and it's hard, especially with my running (i.e my running from commitment/love). Since this was my first fluctuation back to ace, fully, since I started having sex, I can't talk too much about how to live with on the ace spectrum and be with Aphrodite. However, I feel there are ways to worship Her without sex, obviously. I felt like once I did start having sex that I was "fixed," back to my sexuality before my abuse, whatever that orientation was (not that being ace is in any way wrong). I just felt "healed," when I started having sex and working with Aphrodite.

If we adhere to the idea that Aphrodite in some way controls the things that happen to me, then it is helpful for me to think that she allowed my fluctuation back into the ace spectrum to happen to bring me back to Her. To show me that love and sex are separate (something that sometimes is hard for me to separate, because, abuse). To show me that it is okay to be who I am, that she will accept me however I am. To show me that she can, and will love me through whatever, we can work on sex and love and I can be asexual/aromantic. She needed me to understand that I need to accept myself.

We are back to the question, though: How does one live on the Ace spectrum and have a relationship with Aphrodite? I feel like at this point I should be able to answer this, however, I am not sure how to explain it. For us, right now, since we are working on so many things, one week of asexuality in the grand scheme isn't going to make or break our relationship. During this week we focused more on me not TW: cutting than anything else. I think that it just depends on what she wants from you, as her follower. Yet, I don't think that if you are asexual she would ask you for sex. I have yet to meet a devotee of Aphrodite who felt that was all they were called for.

Here is what I've decided upon exploring this in writing. I've been looking at this wrong. I didn't come to Aphrodite through sex, I came to Aphrodite when I decided to stop fearing intimacy, love, and relationships. When I opened up myself to accept love, that is when she came to me. In fact, the first thing I remember was her asking me to trust her, it was difficult, it was scary. She wanted me to trust her blindly, I needed to show her that I had faith in her, I did it but it was terrifying. I needed to do this because I needed to learn that not everyone is out to hurt and destroy me. Artemis taught me to defend my heart and Aphrodite is showing me how to open up my heart to those who deserve it.

So yes, sex is a part of who she is, it's a part of who I am, but it is not all that we are. Like I said, Aphrodite is more than sex, she is a fearless warrior (lover of war), mother, beautiful, free-loving, sensualist, who doesn't take any shit, but she does it with love, she is love. You can absolutely be a devotee of Aphrodite and be on the ace spectrum, as long as you aren't filled with hate. On some level, there has to be potential for love. This love doesn't have to be romantic or directed at anyone/anything. One just has to be receptive to the idea of love. As an aromantic/demiromantic yes this is hard for some of us. I love my friends, I love my dog, I am working on loving myself, love doesn't have to be romantic. You just have to be able to find pleasure/joy/affection in the everyday. To be with Aphrodite is not to have sex all the time (for some of us, sure it is). To be with Aphrodite is to love, to find love and beauty. Therefore, anyone who isn't filled with hate, and is receptive to love is welcome to Her.