#mind you im getting into this discourse while i get ready for work

[itsays]

the way i see it, atom ruined boston's reputation and his chances of graduating college all because he rejected him and cheum (and mew too once he finds out) doesnt care because she thinks he deserves it and she thinks she's above him so she and her brother do not need or deserve to face consequences for this. it's like i said that one time, mew and cheum have ALWAYS thought they're better than boston, him sleeping with top is just what made them act on it. like you guys do realize boston's innocence never mattered to these people right? in the eyes of cheum, mew and maybe even atom, boston is simply being punished for being bad aka being promiscuous so it doesnt matter, and they arent promiscuous so that's none of their business. this plot makes sense to me actually, boston is dirty and untrustworthy "he deserves it".

[peakyblindersxx]

whiskey business - john shelby x reader (part 6 of ?)

gif by my queen @michaelgreys, i'm basically her fanblog now but im not mad about it :) i mean just look at him!!1! i almost fainted

a/n: first of all, if you stuck around to this point, tysm for reading!!! this has been one of the most amazing fics ive ever been a part of and it's all thanks to the gorgeous @stxdyblr-2k, who generously took control of the next few parts. her brain is beautiful and we all owe her flowers or something. when i read what she sent me i couldn't bring myself to change much except for some small edits, so pls give her lots of love if you like it!!!! i'm still working on requests as well :)

love, abi xxx

read part one two three four five | my masterlist

tagging: @datewithgianni, @mayaslifeinabox, @deepdonutkid, @springsoulofengland, @lilymurphy03

prompt: nothing this good can last forever. john doesn't know how to feel, and neither do you.

warnings: nsfw! a teensy bit of smut, angsty as fuck prepare yourselves accordingly, a lil fluff if u squint, yeah this fucked me up

Obviously, it wasn't the last time.

Over the coming months you had many last times; his mouth pressed against your neck said as much. As his responsibility at work increased, you'd find yourself heading to his office after your lectures and night classes more often, perched on his lap, smoking, while he finished up his numbers under your critical gaze.

Thomas was more than aware; his snarky comments made it obvious he had his ways of monitoring your actions. You'd seen the dark car lurking outside your rallies and lectures, and no matter how you'd try to throw him off, not even telling Ada where you were going and even, in a moment of desperation, through your neighbours back window, somehow, his silent shadow was still looming. He was practically begging you to make a mistake, to give everyone an easy out. You just couldn't give him the satisfaction. You knew Tommy saw the world as a chess board, always several moves ahead of his opponent. Even when you played him in chess club all those years ago, you could outflank him if you thought on your feet and kept him thinking he was winning until you obliterated him in the end game. It was brutal, sure. But as he told you, there were bigger games at play. You had your own. Thomas could read your mail, intercept your phone calls and have you followed, but he couldn't hear what you said out of earshot. Your lot could smell an interceptor in your ranks, so spying at that close of a proximity was out of the question.

That's why he'd decided to let you have John. You knew his silent approval and his constant management of the narrative meant he saw a tactical gain. There was only so much information he could get from Ada, but John? He just had to agitate him in the right way and all your secrets would come tumbling out. It was difficult hiding your world from John; of what he knew of, he was supportive, quizzing you over current affairs and political discourse, listening intently. Yet, you had to watch your mouth. You had to keep a barrier up and you knew John sensed the distance. Fundamentally, there was nothing either of you could do.

So here you were, in a comfortable limbo. Your days were filled with work, evenings were for lectures and reading groups at the city's university, Ada and you often stopped for a drink or three; you'd go by your flat to freshen up, and then to John's office. Sometimes, you wouldn't visit for a week or so when the guilt sent you over the edge, it was draining to be living so many lives and knowing you were betraying the person you loved most on earth. Ada was oblivious, taking you on her nightly adventures filled with men, dancing and waiting while she was busy kissing in dark corners. Sometimes a young blinder would ask if you wanted to be walked home. The first occurrence you thought was sweet, but as the nights it occurred coincided with nights John seemed extra pent up, you'd decided to ask. The boy, who couldn't be older than twelve but who you knew was trained in using firearms and had a revolver pinned to his hip and a razor in his cap, looked confused.

"Mate, it's not a tough question. Why do you come and ask?"

"There's a phone call." He shrugs, "Isaiah or Michael tells us to go and get you."

Isaiah and Michael were somewhat aware? Fucking hell. Your fling was basically a military campaign at this point, so many of your friends were complicit. The little lads who ran as messengers around Birmingham were complicit. You had to just end it.

But when you sat on his thigh, his chin hooked over your shoulder, it felt so worth it. He never turned you away when you came crawling back. He never mentioned it until after you were finished, hooked under his arm.

"Fucking missed you, gorgeous."

Sometimes he'd remind you not to be a stranger with a wink, but you could tell it was tearing him apart too. He never once came to you. That's how he could justify it in his mind; obviously, the bare minimum was not having sex with his sister's best friend, but in failing that, waiting for you to initiate it was somewhat better. He barely talked to Ada now, citing work as an excuse, but truly the guilt sickened him. He couldn't believe he was prepared to continuously hurt his little sister and betray her. But every time you turned up at his door, he couldn't find it in himself to turn you away. In his mind, every single time you came to visit him was the last time he'd let it happen, yet he was always waiting for you to come back, his blind closed to signal he was prepared. He never would call, it had to be your choice.

You'd been off and on for over five months now. It was so difficult to hide in plain sight, but you just couldn't stop yourself. Neither of you purposefully meant for this to be happen but fuck, was it fun.

For your birthday he'd gifted you a fur coat from the same shop his sister, aunt and the fashionable crowd of Birmingham had purchased theirs. He joked that you looked like a "proper razor chaser", kissing you when you pouted at his teasing, begging you to wear only the coat when you fucked him next. It was a practice for blinders to buy a coat for their wives and girlfriends as a status symbol. You were neither, but John claimed that being his "favourite lass" also counted.

John was a laugh, but you knew at any time he could close his door to you. Until he decided he couldn't be bothered with you, you weren't going to get caught. You just had to be careful until he got bored.

***

You did end up putting a foot wrong. It was a Thursday night; you were sitting on the edge of John's desk while he was ridding you of your blouse. It was past midnight, Birmingham was asleep. You almost didn't bother coming out tonight, but you knew John had lost a deal and you wanted to be there for him. Your skirt and stockings were strewn across the desk with his shirt, vest and waistcoat, muddled into the files and papers which were once neatly stacked.

His fingers were pumping in and out of you, his mouth lapping at your breast, your head tipped back in euphoria, groaning. The stress made him more affectionate and tender with you, and it was nights like these that made you wonder. Wonder if this could ever be something more, something real.

John's body suddenly pulled away from yours, quickly turning the light off.

"John, what-" You were cut off by John’s hand over your mouth, muffling your words.

"Shut up and get behind the desk." He hissed. "Someone's coming upstairs."

You quickly grabbed your clothes from the shiny oak surface and crouched, hiding yourself from view, quickly making yourself decent. You weren't going to get shot through the head with your tits out. You listened to the stairs creek, and it sounded like a group. You two were easily outnumbered. They were talking, but the thick panels of wood muffled their voices.

As your eyes adjusted to the darkness, the cracks in the door giving the room a dulled glow, you could make out the figure of John. He was free of his shirt, toned body on display, standing with his back flat to the wall, revolver produced from a discreet notch in the door frame, gaze fixed on where they'd enter. He was tense, ready. The door was unlocked from the outside, the door handle twisting.

John's lip shifted in confusion yet still he kept his trigger finger ready, not a single shake from your general.

The light flicked on and a shriek rang out. It was blinding, and you stood up slightly dazed. Finn was in the doorway, John next to him clutching his chest, panting and lowering the gun.

"Jesus Christ, Finn, can't you knock like a normal person? Scared the shit out of us." John bellowed, shaking as the adrenaline coursed through his body, resting his hands on the edge of the desk as he regained his breath.

"You're the one who pointed a gun at me! I didn't even know you were in 'ere!" Finn yelped.

The commotion had attracted the attention of Ada and Isaiah, who had come running and stopped in their tracks upon seeing you standing behind John's desk in the middle of the night. They weren't stupid. John was topless, your clothes obviously rumpled, both with matching tousled hair and practically stinking of guilt. You'd been caught red handed. Ada's eyes flicked between both you and John, and you could practically see the pieces of the puzzle clicking together in her mind, all the moments she found questionable since you'd returned suddenly making sense, realising she had been deceived by the two people who she was meant to trust most in life. Finn looked absolutely crushed, he'd never been able to conceal his emotions as well as his older brothers and sister, linking his fingers through Ada's, squeezing her hand.

"I forgot to drop this off earlier." Finn stated, holding up a money box, "Ada had keys so we thought we'd sneak in so I wouldn't get done by Tommy. We did call round yours, Y/N. We thought you were in bed."

"I'm sorry." You said. It was not enough but you just didn't know what else to say. You couldn't make it right, you'd really fucked up this time. Tears pricked at your eyes, as Ada examined you in silence.

John stepped in front of you defensively. "Look, Ada-"

"How long has this been going on?" She asked, her voice shaking with rage. You and John exchanged a glance. "I said, how fucking long?"

"Five months, six in a fortnight." He answered.

Isaiah whistled lowly. "That's fucked. I thought it was only a few times, that it'd finished."

"Never really over when it's John is it." Finn interjects, you glance to him, were you just one in a long string? You shouldn't be surprised but it was easy to pretend he may actually care about you.

"You've been fucking around for six months behind my back?" Ada yelped, Finn trying to comfort her but she pulled away from him. "And you fucking knew Iz."

"I'd expect this from you, yeah? Wouldn't put anything past you these days.." she sneered at John, "But you? You?! You're meant to be my best mate, but here you are sneaking about fucking my brother?"

"Ada-" you began, eyes welling with tears.

"I thought I could trust you. You're just another fucking razor chaser, aren't you?" She spits. "That's why you came back."

"No it wasn't, Ada-"

Her eyes flashed with anger, but this time John was on the receiving end. "You bought her that fucking coat ,didn't you? The fur one. You did! Fuck's sake!" Her fists were clenched, shoulders squared. For the first time in your life, you understood why crowds parted for Ada Shelby. Understood all the free drinks and cab rides, the nervous serving staff declaring your meal on the house (always acknowledged by Ada with a hefty tip), understood why the men of Birmingham didn't last long with her.

"Did it feel good to swan about town in that fucking coat, while acting as though you cared about me? It's so fucking embarrassing. All trussed up because my knobhead big brother makes you feel special? Thanks for rubbing it in my face."

"Ada, I love you. I never meant to hurt you, I got caught up and that's on me. It's my fault."

"You're not acting like you love me. This isn’t what love is, Y/N." She retorted.

You couldn’t do anything but nod. She was right.

John opened his mouth to speak, Ada silencing him, a scowl darkening her features.

"I don't care what you have to say. Any of you. Who else knows?"

"Thomas, Michael, Arthur-" John listed off slowly, each name prompting Ada to break down a little bit more in front of you.

"I didn't know Arthur knew." You said pointedly, John sending you an exasperated glance. He was planning on dealing with that later, but right now was about his sister. Fuck him if he thought you were going to stick around much longer. You didn't want to hear him justify everyone else knowing about your fling with your best friend being left completely in the dark.

"That all you have to say for yourself?" Ada snaps at you.

"I have fucking no defense, do I Ada? I should've walked away." You pushed your hair back, frustrated at yourself, tears pricking at the corners of your eyes. You begged yourself not to cry. Tears wouldn't help anything.

"Why didn't you?"

You didn't know. Your silence only riled her up.

"Why didn't you fucking walk away?" Ada yelled, slamming her hands on the desk.

You felt hot tears run down your face, quickly moving your hands to dab at your tears.

"Don't you dare fucking cry. After all you've done, you don't get to cry in front of me." Ada growled at you, John going to shush her, obviously wanting to comfort you. "You can all fuck off. You've all lied to me and gone behind my back. Fuck’s sake, you could've just told me. You could've just told me."

"We didn't want to hurt you." John said, reaching out to squeeze her shoulder but she flinches away.

"This hurts so much more. You get that you all lying to me is so much worse, don't you?"

"We weren't thinking."

"You really fucking weren't." Ada laughs bitterly, shaking her head, blinking away tears. "Fuck you lot."

She stormed out, tailed by Finn, begging her to slow down and talk to him, protesting his innocence in the situation. Isaiah hesitated in the doorway, his eyes flickering between you and John.

"I had no idea you two've been at it for so long."

"Iz, fuck off yeah? I've had enough today." John shot back, sliding across the desk towards you. "You alright, lass?"

"We're done here, John."

He slid off the table, his hand cupping your face, "Hey, gorgeous, I get it but don't go breaking my heart tonight. Can we just leave this for tomorrow? Sleep on it."

The idea of getting any sleep at all tonight was laughable, you'd be up all night replaying these moments and torturing yourself. Tonight couldn't get any worse so you had to finally end it. Now was the right time.

"John, it should've never happened."

"But it did."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore. It's over."

"Y/N. You know for me it was never just about-"

"You're making it difficult. Stop making it difficult. Whatever you say isn't going to change that right now we have to do the right thing."

"I know you're right, but I don't want to let go. Is it so wrong to want you? I adore you, you know that."

You wouldn't meet his eyes. Sighing, John pressed his forehead to the side of your head, chin brushing your shoulder, eyes closing. He was begging you to stay with him. There had to be a solution, you'd figure it out together. His voice was cracking, eyes glassy. He looked so much younger when he was pleading. The tall bloke who terrorised the Midlands with his razor rimmed cap, a revolver in his hand, and a ruthless trigger finger had vanished. You wanted to stay, burning to curl up with him and for him to kiss it better.

"I should go." You told him. He rested his forehead on your shoulder, letting out a shaky sigh before pulling away, nodding.

"I'd drive you home but obviously-"

"Obviously."

John suddenly turned from you, eyes narrowing at Isaiah who was still hovering at the door. "Thought I told you to fuck off. Make yourself useful and get Y/N home safely." His tone was ice cold once again.

Isaiah nodded, offering his arm to you. You reached the door and instinctively looked back at John. His eyes met yours, staring at you from his desk, just as you knew he would. He prepared himself to watch you leave every night, but this time was different. That was it with you two.

Isaiah strode down the street with you in silence. You were tucked into his side as was customary with the upcoming blinders who were particularly ambitious, but there was no relaxed chat.

"Isaiah. What’re you thinking?" You asked, voice tinged with nervousness.

He sighed, running his free hand across his jaw, "That was intense in there."

"Just how he is." You shrugged.

"Does he love you or sommet?"

"Fuck knows… does it matter?"

"Of course it does. Do you love him?"

"Drop it. None of that matters, it shouldn't have happened in the first place so it can’t," You snapped, the anger at the situation you'd created suddenly overwhelming.

Isaiah whistled, raising his brow at your obvious turmoil. "You're in fucking deeper than you want to admit."

He walked you up your path, watching you turn the key to the side door leading to your bedsit. You paused, turning to him.

"Iz… I don't know what to do next."

It was so dark, you could see his face only by the lit cigarette burning to embers between his fingers. He inhaled deeply, pausing before delivering his carefully laid out plan of avoidance. Obviously the event of him crossing the Shelbys and losing their good graces weighed heavily on his mind. You nodded, listening intently, noting his ideas of relocation but he explained they were a final resort. The best thing to do was try to regain their trust; in the long run, he had calculated, it was the only option that didn't result in your life being haunted by the Shelbys. Even if they left you alone, their enemies would make a point to go after you, seeing you as an easy target. The other option was to leave the country.

"Good luck, Y/N. I mean it." He muttered as you turned the handle to the temporary safety of your home. You nodded, offering you cheek for the polite good night kiss you'd become accustomed to. He rolled his eyes and obliged, pressing an affectionate kiss to your cheek and ruffling your hair. "I'm serious. Watch your back."

***

John broke down when he finally heard the lock click shut. His eyes had been prickling with boiling tears, his jaw tensed to hold them back. He yelled out in anger, flipping his desk with force, a loud crash as the wood splintered against the stone flooring, glass shattering from the photo frames. His hands went to his head, unable to stop the gasping breaths escaping from his trembling lips, his face reddening.

"Fuck’s sake." He growled. He'd fucked everything up. He had nothing, just as he'd told you the first night you returned. The consequence was no surprise, he'd anticipated the fall out for a while, but he couldn't resist you. He was completely guilty and had no defense; his only justification being that you made him think with his cock, not his brain.

Fuck’s sake. Polly was going to murder him. She'd always had a soft spot for Ada, as the only girl in the family, and was no stranger to lecturing him over his flirtatious behaviour around Ada's friends. She'd murder him. He had a half mind to never go home. He rubbed at his eyes with his knuckles. Polly had no use for tears. That's what she'd tell him when he was a boy coming home with a skinned knee. This was far worse.

He was also sure that he was a worse brother than Tommy, perhaps the worst in the world. His baby sister, who he'd helped to toddle, carry proudly on his shoulders after school and race with her on his back through the fields on the outskirts of Small Heath, had walked in on him obviously in the midst of fucking her best mate. If he had swallowed his pride and actually talked to her, he wouldn't be in this mess. He could've told her that things changed, that for the same reasons Ada loved Y/N he had fallen for her, that he was truly sorry but she had to know before it got too far and someone got hurt. He couldn't go back.

He should've never approached you that night.

He should never approach you again.

He looked over the mess of his office, the splintered wood and shards of glass, a confetti of paperwork. Now nothing mattered. None of this mattered. He'd lost everything and he had only himself to blame.

[dannyphantom-rewrite]

Character ref for; Jack, Maddie and Jazz,

Art by @gally-hin / @gally-hin-phantom

Okay so first off; in terms of Actual redesign, I didn't change a whole lot. I'm actually very fond of Jack and Maddie's design's, my only real issue was with their proportions. Like...look as a lady person who is also thiCC I do not have a fucking wasp thin waist and I'm sure I'm not the only one, lmao. As for Jack? Godamnit he looked like a brick on toothpicks. Just Let him be a fucking Bara man! Anyway of course I asked Gally to do this one bc they're fucking great at drawing different body types

I also cannot and will not take credit for Jazz's outfit. I didn't have any issue with her canon clothes aside from them being a bit plain, so what she's wearing here was literally pulled straight off of her original concept art, which I will link here.

Anyway, getting to the Actual character lore now, let's start with

Maddie Fenton

-Full name is Madeline (I haven't decided on a maiden name yet)

-Born and raised on a farm in Arkansas, had a southern accent that she trained herself out of in college bc it was just one more reason for people not to take her seriously. Still sometimes uses "y'all" completely unironically bc old habits die hard.

-She has a really big family, and they're proud of her accomplishments but feel like she's wasting her talent studying ghosts, because really, up until the Fenton portal was up and running there wasn't even any solid proof they existed. Her sister Alicia is the one outlier there, and even if she doesn't understand, it she completely supports her.

-She majored in engineering and minored in psychology at Wisconsin EDU. Her, Jack and Vlad were all in the same engineering class, and that's where they met.

-Maddie is particularly interested in how ghosts think, analysing their behavior, their motives. Not only that, but they aren't just dead people with unfinished business, they've built an entire culture in the Ghost Zone that is completely seperate from humanity, and she wants to understand all of it.

-skilled marksman and 9th degree black belt, (which is. The highest fucking level there is holy shit? I looked it up after I saw it on her wiki page.)

Jack Fenton

-He's from Minnesota (Amity park is in Illinois and him and Maddie didn't move there until after they got married) 

-okay, "but why minnesota specifically" you ask? Because. I crave. Foot ball discourse. 

-minnesota vikings vs green bay packers guys do you UNDERSTAND WHERE IM GOING WITH THIS 

-The funny thing is that Jack only watches football casually while Vlad is a fucking die hard so when these two got together to see a game it was like....

-Jack: Here to chill and have a good time.

-Vlad: Primed and ready to start a fist fight at any given moment.

-I am never not going to be salty about how Canon Jack was portrayed like a complete moron 99% percent of the time. Like no...theres a difference between Actual Stupid and ADHD induced dumbass-ery.

-Am I saying Jack Fenton has ADHD? Yes. why? Because I also have ADHD and I have always vibed So Hard with his Character.

-Jack is loud and easily excited about things that interest him. He's impulsive and fidgety and yeah, a bit absent minded. He has a mouth that clearly runs so much faster than his head. His train of thought doesn't get derailed so much as it stops and takes several different detours on the way to it's final destination.

-and that's only the tip of the iceberg, really, I'd need an entire essay to get into this completely, but I just really relate.

-Jacks skill-set / interests regarding ghosts vary a bit from Maddie's, most notably in the sense that he doesn't believe that they're static entities already set in their ways, completely incapable of change.

-Jack majored in engineering and minored in Biology at Wisconsin EDU.

-Jack's work with tech is a bit hit or miss. He definitely HAS the engineering skills, but the intrest isn't always there and he's constantly jumping back and forth between different projects. He tends to focus on the concept work and schematics and leave most of the assembly to Maddie as a result. It's an arrangement that works well for them, and has drastically decreased the number of unintentional explosions in the lab.

-A lot of Jack's work tends to revolve around ghostly biology and Ectoplasm, figuring out how ghosts are made, what makes them tick, what the hell Ectoplasm Actually Is, how it's used as an energy source, ect.

-and yes, that does also mean he handles the dissections.

-See that facial scar? Yeah, that's not actually there at the start of the series rewrite but it's very important for plot reasons so I had to include it. Can't say much more on the subject because SPOILERs owo.

Jasmine Fenton

-Jazz is a 18 years old, and a senior at Casper high.

-Which means she prepping to go away to college and won't be around to keep an eye on Danny.

-Obviously that doesn't mean I'm just writing her out of the story, oh no. Know why? Because she's also gonna go to Wisconsin EDU. ya know who else is in Wisconsin? Fuckin' Vlad.

-Jazz is autistic, Although she passes for neurotypical in part due to symptoms being completely over looked in girls due to gender stereotyping and also the fact that she doesn't have any special interests that are considered " "too weird.""

- Her hyperfixation with psychology started at a young age in an effort to better understand people, and social/emotional cues and all that.

-Jazz is well liked at school but she's not popular or apart of any specific group or clique. She's very kind and compassionate to people, and just about everyone knows her, but you'd be hard pressed to find someone who actually Considered her a friend. Except maybe Spike.

-I'm gonna have to give spike his own Character ref at some point, but he's this scary looking goth kid that's been held back twice. He's actually super sweet, just really fuckin' quiet and anxious. Him and jazz kinda ended up gravitating towards each other. She might do most of the talking, but they look out for each other.

-its not like jazz doesn't try to socialize, but it's difficult and she's found it much easier and less stressful to just. Keep to herself and let her interactions with her peers stay shallow and superficial. Sure, it's lonely sometimes but it's better than constantly worrying about saying the wrong thing or making some other misstep.

-One of Jazz's other special interests is football, and it's not so much the players or the game as it is the strategy of it? Started out as one of those things you do to bond with your dad, and she ended up getting really into it.

-She absolutley winds up getting into stupidly intense discussions with Vlad about it, too, lmao.

-Her and Danny probably bonded over SBNation bc that shit has both sentient satellites and ridiculously complex football mechanics.

-She's completely oblivious to the fact, but Dash has a massive crush on her bc holy shit this girl understands football (hey bud your toxic masculinity is showing put that shit away)

-I mentioned that Danny was in Cheer for a bit in middle school so it makes sense that she'd also be pushed into doing some kind of extracurricular activity.....so.....she was in a martial arts class for a bit thanks to Maddie and has a good grasp on self defense.

I think that's everything? I feel like I'm leaving things out tho? Idk if I did I'll come back and add on to this later and also pls don't hesitate to ask questions bc it really helps me flesh things out better.

[talkfastromance4]

cal joining you wedding dress shopping but getting kicked out before you come out in like the 4th dress bc you know that’s the one you want

Haven’t done blurbs in a while so this might be a little rusty! Also it got a little long haha oops

• • • •

From the start of your engagement you and Calum had agreed to work on everything together relating to the wedding. It’s a new level of partnership with an extra addition of compromises and decision making.

You both agreed that he would join you dress shopping because you valued his opinion and wanted to see what he liked and didn’t like. Your best friend and mother flew in for the occasion along with his mom and Mali-Koa. 

They were already waiting outside the shop when you and Calum stroll up hand in hand. Hugs and kisses are exchanged before heading inside where the consultant is already waiting with a large bottle of champagne. 

“Who’s ready to do some shopping?!” she asks and pops the cork. Her name is Michelle.

Calum and you walk up and down the small aisles of dress racks while the rest of your party searches out dresses they’d like to see you in as well. He points out things he likes on one dress and things he doesn’t on another. 

“What do you like?” he asks giving your cheek a kiss. 

So you explain to him your idea of a perfect dress, and the way you’re speaking about it has him grinning at you nonstop because he can picture you perfectly in what you’re describing. 

You each select one while the consultant has already put her own choices inside the fitting room, you’d discussed with her at the first meeting what designs you like. The rest of your entourage come with a dress from each pair. 

“All right, Miss Bride, let’s get you into a dress!” Michelle smiles. 

You give Calum a quick kiss following her inside the dressing room. While she helps you into the first one, a form fitting dress with a see through back and ivory buttons, you told her about your relationship with Calum. How he’s your best friend, how supportive you both are and how fun the wedding planning is going.

Sure, there’s some discourse now and then but you and Calum are great at compromising tough decisions. 

When you step out onto the platform, the girls gasp and start chattering away immediately about how beautiful you look and that the dress is exquisite. As you spin in the mirror, your back to them, you take in your reflection. It’s a beautiful dress but it’s just not the one. You meet Calum’s eyes in the mirror, you both shake your head slightly agreeing that this isn’t it. 

“Next one!” you announce and hop off the platform. 

The next three dresses are just the same as the first, they’re beautiful but it just doesn’t feel like they’re yours. There’s some bickering on the couch on how you look amazing in each one and Mali-Koa jokes that you should just wear them all in one day.

Calum remains silent but you know his mind is working up a storm. Just like the first one, your eyes meet and you both shake your head. 

“Wasn’t that the one you picked out, Cal?” Your best friend asks pointing to the one you’re currently wearing.

“Yeah, but it’s not the one,” he shakes his head then winks at you, “still look gorgeous in it, cupcake.”

You blush at the compliment and step into the fitting room. 

“From what you’ve told me before, I wanted you to try this one one out,” Michelle smiles and holds up the most beautiful dress you’ve ever seen. 

Once you’re inside and she’s clasped you up in the back and you see yourself in the mirror, your mouth hangs open in a silent gasp. It has everything you’ve ever wanted in a dress. The fabric is soft, the layers are just enough, there’s the perfect amount of lace appliques and it fits your figure amazingly. 

“This is it. This is the one,” you breathe then turn to her. “He can’t see it. You need to kick him out, please.”

Michelle does as you ask and you can’t help but smile at the excited squeal from the ladies because they know what him leaving means. You hear his gruff voice calmly agree and that he’ll run across the street to get some coffee. 

“Okay, Y/N, your future hubby is gone. Come on out!”

You open the door and are greeted by silence as you step onto the platform. You billow the dress around you so it’s situated perfectly and the girls just stare. Slight panic sets in because is this not the one? Do you look horrible?

Then both mothers are dabbing at their eyes. 

“That is the dress,” your mom smiles through her tears. 

“He’s going to pass out when he sees you,” Mali-Koa smiles and she pinches her cheeks as she leans forward on the chair. Your best friend is snapping pictures of you in every angle while Michelle dolls you up with some jewelry and a small tiara to your head. 

The perfect dress to say yes to while you said yes to a life with the most perfect man.

• • • •

Copyright talkfastromance4 © All works is intellectual property of the author. All rights reserved. Any redistribution or reproduction or any part or all contents in any form is prohibited. You may not, without written expression and consent from the author, distribute works amongst other social media platforms

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[ofgoodmenarchive]

The second in a series of drabbles exploring my Blood Mage!Dorian.

Spring Thaw

Perhaps he was getting ahead of himself.

No- he was definitely getting ahead of himself.

At the very least, Dorian shouldn't have discarded the Venatori's equipment so impulsively. It was possible- even likely- the Herald would be immune to his charms. If no attraction existed between them to start with, then he'd forsaken his current, sole employment for nothing.

Introducing himself was also a complex matter. His subject of fixation was more often than not swarmed by Chantry puppets- Inquisition puppets, whatever.

Either way, they'd be wary of something like him.

  Which would be perfectly sensible, if we're being honest...

For days he stalked them through the Hinterlands, camping out of sight- preferably at high vantage points. On this occasion he'd discovered a homely cave dug into a cliff, with an ideal view of the Inquisition camp. They'd organised around a half-crumbled tower, wrangling full command of the King's Road at this end.

It took time to accomplish- Dorian had spectated most of the work. The Templar-Mage conflict was their main concern- by now almost completely eliminated. Still there was plenty of trouble to be had, Dorian knew.

  Are they even aware of the Venatori yet?

Indeed for now they mostly focused on the resident lyrium-smugglers. To be fair, they were a nuisance- and had not enough sense to leave the Inquisition unmolested.

In his shadowing he concluded a few things, at least.

For one, the Herald was a mage with an affinity for ice. Admittedly Dorian felt stupid for not realising on their first encounter. That sword of light channelled the man's will, swaying him towards close combat. Odd for a mage- so Dorian didn't berate himself much for failing to notice.

Secondly, the man was Spirit-bound. To what sort of spirit and for what purpose, Dorian couldn't guess. He'd only concluded this due to a chance look at his weapon- a summoning circle was inscribed into the hilt. An insanely reckless thing to attempt- unless your will and the spirit's could work in perfect unison.

  We have something in common, at least!

Though Dorian was positive none regarded him as an Abomination.

Lastly, the Herald was unaccustomed to such close work with humans. Dorian rarely overheard conversation but frequently witnessed him seeming lost, needing elaboration on what appeared self-evident.

Overall he was somewhat peculiar, even for an elf.

  “You know...” Dorian mused while building a small fire for the night. “I'm already feeling chipper. It's probably a trick of the mind, since there's potential for a meal...but wouldn't it be funny if my desire was feeding into itself?”

An unamused grumble responded and he frowned at his shadow- slumped morosely against the cave entrance, like a wrung out towel.

  “Yes, yes, I know that's not how it works.” Dorian rebuffed, scowling. “I'm just saying I don't mind all this creeping around! Or I don't mind it yet...give it a while, I suppose...”

  The Herald of Andraste...

  …probably also does not speak to himself.

  “Well I'm not speaking to myself, am I?!” He countered, huffing. “I'm speaking to you!- And you're being especially bratty today!”

Desire slouched down the cliff-wall until it was almost flat.

Dorian spluttered with laughter.

  “You're like a cat, you know!? An ominous, perverted cat.”

The creature bubbled sadly, giving no answer.

Rolling his eyes, Dorian would have returned to working on the fire- except Desire's head emerged from it's puddle, leering down the slope.

  “Hrm...?” He followed it's gaze, squinting. “Something happening down there...?”

A tall figure wandering from camp, accompanied by a much shorter one- the Herald and his dwarf ally.

  “Where are they wandering off to on their own...?” He frowned at his shadow. “Should they really be doing that?”

Desire shrugged, shoulders casting ripples along it's spooled form.

  “For some reason...” Dorian swiped his staff from nearby. “I don't like it. Let's make sure nothing bothers them, yes?”

Maker forbid the elf get himself killed- it would be a waste of his whole week!

The pair strode upon the King's Road, moonlight leading their path and their path leading Dorian- always close behind but not too close. Eventually they paused at a road-marker, muttered between themselves and appeared to wait.

  Are they missing one of their people, or something..?

Regardless of the situation, whatever was meant to occur, didn't. Exchanging anxious stares, the duo walked further along, ignorant to Dorian's presence as he slunk from shadow to shadow.

Within minutes all heard the same thuggish shouting- accented in Ferelden, somewhere amidst an outcrop of limestone. Sprinting forward, the Herald and his companion hunched behind cover, in frantic discussion.

Wanting a full perspective, Dorian climbed ledges as stealthily as possible. Once he had an ideal view, he sat and assessed.

Lyrium-smugglers again, of course. Carta, perhaps? No one Dorian had ties with, whoever they were. More than a dozen- with enough heavies in their ranks to pose serious threat to a miniscule party.

A party of two, for example, would likely be obliterated.

Dorian could see why there was discourse between the Herald and his friend. An Inquisition scout knelt among the group, bleeding and mid-interrogation.

  So they did lose someone...

Now the Herald wished to attempt rescue and his companion reasonably disagreed. Even out of earshot, Dorian could tell who was winning- through pure stubbornness alone.

Glancing behind, he spotted that looming, bratty shadow of his.

  “I hope you're ready to actually work for your meal.”

Not a second passed after his speech before all erupted into chaos. The Herald careened through the group, carried along paves of ice. Flailing and visibly irritated, the dwarf scrambled onto a high-point, where he could launch arrows from some elaborate crossbow.

Skidding from his perch, Dorian leapt into the fray.

Blood had already touched ground- that didn't bode well for anything near him. The grinning skull of his staff raised high, he willed every drop of lost life into himself. It swirled around him in crimson ribbons- he hadn't even channelled a form before people screamed.

  “MALEFICAR!”

Earning a wild, blood-crazed laugh from him as he barrelled forth, slicing enemies with their own pain- weaponised. Anyone struck deep enough and lacking proper resistance became crazed, attacking all in their proximity.

It had been a while since he'd stretched his abilities for combat- quite invigorating, really! Not to mention all the blood- a fair snack, though not his usual preference. Licking some from his fingers, Dorian launched into another attack and found himself brushing passed blizzard.

Swivelling to face it, he bore his teeth in a personable manner.

Winter-touched eyes regarded him quizzically, then vanished into battle.

Moments later and it was done- together with the scout, their enemy was reduced to a pile of corpses.

Inhaling, Dorian glimpsed the dwarf and recruit in breathless conversation. Elsewhere stood the Herald- sheathing his weapon, sighing with relief.

  Talk-talk-talk-talk-talk-talk-talk.

  Maker, stop it! Yes, I see.

This was the closest opportunity he was chance to get.

Awkwardly, uncharacteristically- Dorian hesitated.

  TALK-TALK-TALK-T

  I SAID STOP THAT! I'M GOING!

Mustering composure, he sauntered that direction, beaming.

  “Greetings, friend!”

The Herald blinked from wiping stained hands, eyes widening a second later.

  “...Who are you?” He mumbled, automatically hunching to Dorian's level- as he'd witnessed many times.

  “Me?”  He laughed airily- had to restrain more when the elf flinched. “My name is Dorian Pavus...and you would be the Herald of Andraste, no?”

Much hesitation from this so-called Herald- the poor man's eyes darted as if seeking attendance, white complexion reddening. Effortless traits for human eyes to see- and then there were aspects only Dorian would see. A quickened pulse, hitched breath, heightened temperature...

  Well, that answers that question...

  But...I really didn't intend to give the poor fool a heart-attack.

He hadn't even exercised his will in any fashion- just introduced himself! The Herald's clan must have been terribly isolationist, if that's all it took to fluster him.

  “That...is what they say...” He managed after a long pause, brow furrowing. “...Have you been following me, Dorian Pavus?”

  Oh, I like that.

  So formal.

  “Only for your own protection, my darling Herald!” He chuckled warmly, gestured to their fallen opponents. “As you can so clearly see.”

Another drawn out silence, pale features struggling to stay that way and failing- pink had spread to his neck.

  “You are from Tevinter.” He observed clumsily.

Dorian's head tilted.

  “Nothing gets passed you, does it?”

The Herald didn't seem to know how to respond, grasping air dumbly and again searching around for aid. Deciding to provide such aid, Dorian inquired;

  “Since I gave you my name- may I have yours?”

Though fidgeting, he offered;

  “Lavellan.”

  “That would be a last name, no?”

  “I do not tend to give my first.”

  “You don't 'tend to'...” He smiled, shamelessly familiar. “So you might make an exception?”

Something about this caught the elf off guard- absolutely flushed. He merely stared as though Dorian proposed he strip to his undergarments.

  “Uhh...hey, there.” The dwarf ambled to them before Lavellan could recover.

  “Ah, hello!” Determined to make a good impression, Dorian stuck out his hand. “Dorian Pavus! Pleased to make your acquaintance!”

The Dwarf relented to a light shake, inspecting him doubtfully.

  “Varric Tethras- pleased to make yours..” He knit his brow, glanced between the two men. “...I guess.”

All the while Lavellan was statuesque, face crimson and attention flying everywhere.

  “...You okay, Lord Heraldness?”

  “I...am fine- I am fine.” He practically squeaked. “I think...Cassandra will wish us back at camp...right now...im...immediately.”

Incapable of restraining himself, Dorian roared with mirth and hoped it didn't sound unkind.

  “We'll talk soon, my dear Herald.” He bid farewell with more obvious warmth. Lavellan swiftly fled- half-marching, half-scurrying, Varric at his heels.

-–

Dirt and blood raced beneath his feet. Evallan Lavellan fought to correct the hue of his face.

  “...Are you okay?” Varric- barely audible above the sound of his heartbeat.

  “I am fine!”  He snapped, shrill. “I just...was not prepared for...for that.”

Varric's expression scrunched inwards, perplexed.

  “Prepared for what?”

Speech died on Evallan's tongue, frowning helplessly at his companion. He barely had the words in his own language, how could he explain with the vocabulary they both shared?

All the human mages he'd encountered- they were so reserved, tame.

He couldn't imagine any human to carry themselves so shamelessly- draped in blood and bone, cackling and grinning through danger. Formidable yet exercising flawless control- so at ease in his nature.

And Mythal have mercy- Those eyes- deadly flares of red and gold.

  Absolutely wild.

  He must be mad.

  “...Oh, Maker's breath, Herald...” Evallan became aware he'd been glaring into space. “Don't worry- I won't tell anyone you took one look at the weirdo-'Vint-blood-mage and turned into a tomato.”

He flushed every shade of red imaginable, snapping-

  “I said I was not prepared!”

  “I wasn't prepared either!” Varric chortled. “And I do not look like you do right now!”

Groaning, Evallan sped his pace, wishing for nothing more than to hide in his tent and scream until humiliation subsided.

[student-film-lying-piece-of-shit]

Splentoby plas

fine. ok. ill do this. PLEASE keep in mind in these headcanons toby isn't a minor and that we can assume he's 19+ (he doesn't have a set set canon age? he supposingly dies before age 20 idk man it's vague please don't drag me into discourse i headcanon him as an adult in non au settings)

splendor hcs / splendortoby. yall asked for it. if i get hung im blaming u guys

also these r months old they're from amino. let's go

he can move his face and mouth! it's not forever stuck like (:

- he listens to nightcore unironically look me in the eyes and tell me he doesn't

- he is pansexual!! n cis

- he lowkey feels isolated and lonely from the others, trying his best to be a help but nobody rlly appericates it so he's :(

- he has magical capabilities! he can summon little things around him (think maybe the wadern from superjail?) like ie he will move his hands and a rainbow comes out of his hand

- he fucking LOVES minecraft and for the first 4 times he played he tried to like tame a creeper and BEN was just "you can Not Do That Splendor"

"he's my friend!!!!!!"

"you can tame how many animals and you try to tame an enemey splendor he will blow you up"

"): my friend..."

- he tends to get a lot of romantic crushes on humans but is terrorfied of pursuing them because he's!!! an ugly monster n their :3 to him

- he has an ability to make himself invisible to adults and only visible to kids/those who can 'believe' that he uses in public because slenders always like. "DON'T SHOW UR IDENTITY TO THE H U M A N S!!!!!!!"

- he likes 80's music a fucking lot. like. a LOT.

- he's friends w/ sally (duh), BEN (the one who got him into Minecraft), Jane, EJ and Toby!!!!

- he had feelings for jane until she was just "sorry, i like girls" and he was

"!!!! I do too!!!!! You funky lil lesbian keep it up!!!!!!!!"

- HE DOES HAVE A HUMAN FORM !!! he's the only slender who has a soild human form! However it drains him a lot to use it so he doesn't use it a lot,,,,

- he cries gold!!!! Liquid, his blood is like? pastel blue? his body liquids r pastel gore basically

- he, yes, is a brony. his favorite is pinkie pie

- he doesn't have a secret evil form shut the fuck up and let me have my son!!!!! i refuse!!!! no!!!!!!!!!!! he does NOT!!!!!!!!

- he has had a weird crush on toby for a while and he's never mentioned anything because "that is,, someone who works for my brother,,,,,,,that is,,,,, his proxy,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"

- his human name is Romeo!!!!!!!!

- he's a huge mommas boy :3 he calls her everynight to tell her he loves her and she's just "okay cool" and he's "!!!!!!!SLEEP WELL"

- he's fucking shitfaced scared of zalgo lmao

okay im gonna indulge in this weird crack ship for three seconds here wait

- toby always rides on his back!!!!!!

- splendor always leaves him candy and stuff in his room anonymously or notes and toby's just "huh who did this" but than one time he saw splendor sign something and he was

"it's YOU??????????"

- toby: this is my giant monster boyf-

splendor, crying: am i a monster

toby: GOD NO I LOVE YOU

- slender finding out is just "literally what the fuck idc anymore do what by any means you guys want ive seen it all now"

- toby always also rides on his tendrils!!! he uses them as swings fuck you this is my headcanon list I'll do what i want

- they go to the fair n stuff when it's town n splendor goes into his human form and they have a good Time!!!!!!

- splendor gets toby really cute binders w/ designs n stuff!!!!! To make him feel a lot better abt himself and toby loves it half to death

- toby, crying: i don't know im sorry i never told you i was trans. please don't think of me different.

splendor, a creature that's been living for centuries, 11 feet tall w/ vague human traits: i would NEVER

- tobys the first human splendor has ever been w/!!! and he rlly rlly cares abt toby and feels super comfy w/ him

- splendor is v insecure abt being u know an eldrich creature so toby always compliments his 'monster' traits and splendor goes "!!!! O W O!!!!"

- toby uses splendor's tendril bells to stim sometimes and splendor happily let's him

- romeos human form has a ton of fucking freckles and when he goes into his human form toby goes fucking BONKERS he LOVES IT

- splendor in his human form: a-aha toby are you ready to go out,,,,,

toby, paniking: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DID YOU DO TO SPLENDOR

splendor: AAAAAAAAAA

- toby slips up and calls splendor Romeo in front of slender and slenders like

"who...who are you referring to?"

"SPLENDOR I MEAN YOUR BROTHER SIR"

"how the fuck do you know his human name"

"uhm"

- jeff: how do you feel about your emplyoee fucking your brother lmao

slender: please

slender: leave my office. please. im begging you jeffery just fucking go

(THEY DON'T ACTUALLY FUCK PLEASE)

- this situation makes slender say fuck a lot lmao

- toby likes sitting on splendor a lot n its just he's on his ds yelling at his NintendoDog to sit down as splendor reads nariana and toby's just background noise screeching "MR. SNIFFLES SIT!!!!"

[nightmaretyrantvantas]

So I’m finally getting around to writing out a bunch of info about my Sander Sides au so I hope youre all ready--(its like 1 am im so sorry for any spelling mistakes and missed tags)

So its 1 am on a work night and I cant sleep and I’ve had lots of ideas and canon things for this au bouncing around my head for days and now TONIGHTS THE NIGHT ITS HAPPENING IM DELIVERING YOU ALL THE DETAILS AND EVERYTHING I CAN THINK OF AND TYPE 

Also please feel free to ask about this! I know I got a few new followers from all my recent sander sides art and also thanks to @sugarglider9603 reblogging some art I made of their au I got the biggest flood of exposure and attention on my art ive ever had and I have so much to thank them for, for all recent exposure ive gotten the past couple days( theyre so sweet and lovely and easy to talk to sugar deserves all the love--) and its given me a huge surge of motivation and confidence to post this. And please, my inbox is always open to talk about my aus or my art! Ask questions, send requests, send headcanons or ideas, send fluff angst im open to anything and I try to do all requests sent to me(sooner or later)

Oh oh! and please id you catch any and all the little inspirations or anything let me know

And finally this au is a LAMP au with Remile and Demus on the side

Ahem ahem anyway onto the au!!!

More under the cut so I dont flood your screen too bad!

Ok so! 

This Au was originally inspired by @residentanchor‘s amazing fanfic A Lesson in Practicality and also a little bit by @prettyinaccurate‘s fanged virgil au( I’ll get more into that further down) 

So it takes place in a (currently) unnamed bigger city I based off San Francisco and Sacramento( because I live in Cali and those are the two major cities ive really visited ya know?) The boys are all in various stages of their twenties when they move into a four bedroom apartment together: Patton Foster is the oldest of the roomies at 27, then Logan Masters at 26, Roman Prince at 24, and finally Virgil Collins at 22. They move in together because it all works out for them really, the apartment is in a good distance to all their current jobs, whether by bus or even in Pat’s case in walking distance and with all four of them it was well affordable and was pretty nice. I mean hey it even came with a little communal balcony ( since theyre on third floor of the building) 

Things are understandably a little rocky at first , i mean isnt it always though?

Virgil has alot of anxiety and so he tends not to talk really at all at the beginning unless he ABSOLUTELY had to, mostly communicating in noncomittal noises and soft grumbles, and he was fresh out of collage and barely two years into his job and out on his own for the first time and he wasnt really ready for it either like christ too many people

Patton was bright bubbly and caring. This wasnt his first rodeo with roomies, I mean cmon, hes been sharing a room with his older brother Damian(deceit) on and off almost all his freakin life, nor was it his first time living on his own with strangers(hes lived in two different parts of two when he was job hopping before he settled down in his current part time job)

Roman was extroverted loud and exciteable, he too was used to sharing his living space( he had TWO siblings after all) and before he had moved into the apartment he had tried living on his own and with other roommates while he attended collage, but those just didnt work out well ( he ended up staying with his older brother Remy in his studio apartment across the city while he finished out that semester and searched for a job to keep an income.

Logan was serious minded stern toned and confident, he had a minor degree in teaching that he was slowly repursueing and had been out on his own for awhile before he had moved in. And though cold at first he soon found his group of housemates...enjoyable.

Its about a month into them living together that they learn exactly why despite slowly getting close and getting to know each other Virgil still kept a wide distance: He had entirely sharp teeth.

“ I dunno....I was born with them..theyve always been a sharp pain in my ass...” - virgil, about his teeth

Of course just having sharp teeth wasnt bad enough oh no. You see a few years back when he was about 18 he was young and dumb and made horrifically stupid and reckless decisions under peer pressure and ended up doing something that not only pointedly (haha oh god im not funny) chipped his front teeth but it fucked up his teeth pretty majorly, he went from having a normal overbite to almost having a goddamn underbite and crooked all his teeth, and the only way to fix it( because somehow miraculous for all the damage done it turned out to be mostly reversable aside from the chipping) was getting braces to realign his teeth. So he’s had pretty purple braces over his fangs since he was 18 and they werent expected to come off until he was AT LEAST 25 and he was insecure about them. ( he got mocked for them through his two and a half years of junior collage)

Once the gang finds out they are understanding and helpful and dont make a big deal about it( though virgil gains a significant amount of more vampire related nicknames from roman)

Once they get close and comfortable around each other the apartment is pretty warm and lively! 

Virgil works at the art store as an assistant manager and head stocker( a bit of a dream come true since he was an art student)

Roman works as a part time waiter at a family resturant as well as working at a nearby theater( he was of course a lovely theater major) 

Patton worked at a nearby cafe and bakery as a bit of everything! He helped wait tables, serve behind the counter, and helped in the back in the kitchen( the owners were family friends and he’d been working there almost four to five years at that point, boi knows how to do everything) 

Logan worked at a big name bookstore, and also provided tutoring sessions for highschool students on the side by commision

More FACTS~~

Family ages for the big families go as follows:

Fosters: Damian(28), Patton(27)

Prince: Remy(26), Roman(24, older twin by 10 minutes), Remus(24, younger twin)

Emile is 27 and is a licensed therapist and works as a counselor for young adults that volunteers at the nearby library to ready to children

Remy works as a coffee barista in Emile’s building

Remus does alot of odd jobs, kinda working as an independent for hire and gets a surprising steady flow of work and pay. Hes still a trash man though, but hes a successful trash man( partly thanks to Damian calling in favors with connections)

Damian works at a law firm slowly moving into the position of prosecutor

Virgil doesnt really get along with his family and at some point Emile offers to take virgil in as his adopted brother, with Damian assuring him if he wanted concrete legal papers to start changing his last name, cutting ties with his family, anything needed for it he’d see to it that they’d be providing(something our boi really appreciates)

Remy visits Emile on his breaks since hes literally just...two hallways down and vice versa

Damian and Remus live together in the next, slightly smaller city over because Damian’s work transferred him to a different office in order for him to keep moving up in the ranks so to speak. 

Hes also good at what he does.

Family nights happen whenever they can

Patton got to teach them how to cook alot of complicatied dishes from scratch, a bonding time he adores

Roman got Virgil an Espeon hoodie after they all start dating and virgil loves it and wears it alot around the house because its a thicker hoodie and warm( though he tries to ignore the big ears and the obnovious tail

Virgil also loves visiting Roman’s work on what Ro likes to refer to as “ hellish days” AKA kids day which means goofy kid friendly theme days. His favorite was probably alice in wonderland day when Roman was Tweedle Dee

Roman played J.D at the local theater and likes to hum some of the his songs to switch up the Disney

The balcony is covered in houseplants and and a corner of old blankets and pillows to sit and chill on

Once a month Logan and Patton have what is affectionately referred to as the Cat Discourse

After any particularly rough days at work Patton tends to massage Logan’s shoulders and back to make sure Lo doesnt get any really bad stress knots

in return when Logan sees Patton’s head a hard day he makes Patton’s favorite drink and pulls him into a hug and let the older man fall asleep in his arms while they watch movies

Pat and roman sense each other’s bad days and order in some cliche diner food and hole up in pattons room with Pattons computer and relax the shittiness away with comedy specials and movies 

Likewise Virgil has a knack of picking up Roman’s bad days and always grabs a couple glasses and a bottle kinda cheap wine and they end up curling up together on Romans bed marathoning Disney movies on Virgil’s laptop 

and when Virgil closes himself off more than normal Logan manages to lure him out of his room and they end up sitting out on the balcony quietly talking and stargazing

so loving and fond and soft with each other

you hurt one of them you gonna get BEAT by the others. 

Speaking of getting beat, never EVER mess with Roman or Remus in Remy’s proximity

Remy Andrew Prince can and WILL fuck you right up if you hurt his little brothers. He’s protective.

and where Remy will rearrange your face Damian will ruin you mentally and legally if you so much as mistreat a single freckle on his little brother’s face, despite knowing that Patton is fully capable of taking care of himself. 

Everyone protects Virgil, dont mess with or hurt virgil or you have the pack coming for ya throat

aaaaaaaaaaaaaand thats all I have for right now! Of course more will be added but now its almost three in the morning and I have work at 1:30pm and im sleepy finally! But I hope you guys like this! And please, feel free to talk to me about it, my inbox is always open!!

Taglist: @phantommoonpeople @sweetsweetemo @loganberrysanders

[queernuck]

So do you see any cognitive dissonance with worrying about internet "fascists" reblogging a post, while promoting an instrument of torture employed by the Cheka? That "cool ass knuckleduster" was likely used to beat and bludgeon innocent people marked for death by the Bolsheviks.

oh dont worry, it wasnt internet “fascists” in a sense where im talking about a conservative military historian or, say, someone i just dont get along with. i mean an honest-to-goodness fascist, i mean someone genuinely invested in the growth and spread of fascist ideology, who believes in the kind of ideology that leads to neoliberalism extending into fascism (as it does in the current structure of neoliberal hegemony, the exact kind of ideals that saw Allende deposed in favor of Pinochet, that sees Neo-Confederate police chiefs working with alphabet agencies) but has such an overflowing death drive, has such a libidinal investment in the emergence of fascism that they are unable to even keep themselves contained to the vulgarities of contemporary conservatism with its worrying about neomarxists and so on, when contemporary discourses give them as much of a fascist vocabulary as ever before 

one could say that this is as good of a time as ever to look at juxtaposition, irony, and the examination of historical art-objects (paintings, films, architecture, music, and so on) as part of critique, discussing what counts as rebellious and what counts as hegemonic, and for that matter the way in which an empty condemnation of the figure of the “tankie” is something that far too many land on in an attempt at critique, an empty one at that. 

Brutalist architecture, often associated with Soviet and post-Soviet governments despite its prevalence in the West and other spheres of influence, is a vastly misunderstood style of architectural development which provides numerous means of “reading” a building in the postmodern sense, an exercise which is often rejected by contemporary development as useless in favor of incredibly bland duo-postmodern architecture, the reactionary turn in architecture that various forms of gentrification have driven, the impetus to put a kind of apparent-scientific and anti-artistic touch onto architecture on college campuses, of corporate headquarters, the vaporwaveization of the architectural field into an empty exercise in signification and resignification through the writing of various corporate creeds on the very buildings within which these actions are planned. This misunderstanding, an inability to read the potentiality of the building as brutalist text, one to be overgrown with ivy and which forces certain sorts of engagement by those within, is one fundamental to contemporaneous thought, the post-postmodern, the post-socialist turn seen in NATO geopolitics as ideology. 

I enjoy posting pictures of various militaries, of various armed forces, that are currently engaged in that NATO-dictated order of battle, be it American, British, French, or some other current-or-foreign colonial-unto-neocolonial force. I have some pictures ready to go of Soviet forces in Afghanistan, and have plenty of pictures like those of unified forces from Bosnia and Herzegovina deployed to Afghanistan that work as part of looking at exactly what war and moreover policing, the militarization of police over the course of the past half-century, and the police-like quality of military occupation, the transition of American forces into a hybrid of elite soldiers and stereotypical donut-eating cops before they come home and join police forces themselves, an interest in the aesthetics of these mundane, accepted brutalities as carried out specifically because of how they represent hegemony, the realization and enacting thereof, the way in which hegemony is developed and defended in a contemporary sense, as part of questioning the exact same kind of ideologies that build those new corporate monuments, apartment blocs that are only striking in how they displace already-existing expression, the way in which areas like Brighton Beach have all kinds of uneven development, an interest in exactly what kinds of ideological maneuvers are seen in how the city becomes a zone of war for neoliberal capital, how forces maneuver in ways influenced by the IDF’s readings of Deleuze and the 75th Ranger Regiment and Delta Force’s readings of their own white supremacist missions from Somalia to Syria, and the way in which technology, techniques of interaction and the very means of recognizing humanity are often dragged through this space: we would be remiss without mentioning how “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” became a referendum on gay personhood almost by accident it seemed, despite coming so soon after the enormous and principled antiwar movement whose common refrain seemed to be “DON’T JOIN, DON’T GO!”, who seemed to understand that there was not something “worth” joining for, that this had been true all throughout the wars of the 90s, back into Kosovo, the non-events of the Gulf War (a kind of television improvisation that set the field for discourses of Modern Warfare)

Being able to look at, examine, meet these critiques, to see objects that represent a kind of knowing self-reference like NKVD agents who received commemorative knuckledusters (ten years after the revolution began, mind) that were more likely to see use as paperweights than as actual weapons, the kind of nakedness of the ideological seen there, the parting that occurs is, very much, something worth preserving, something worth interrogating just as design and its influence goes into the very concept of weapons design: what does it say, what does it imply that derivatives of the AR-15 have become so ubiquitous alongside various Kalashnikov-patterned weapons, even to the point where one sees militaries adopting AR-patterned rifles in 7.62x39? What does the rejection of the HK416, the 5.56x23, and the 300 BLACKOUT round alike by GIGN, instead adopting CZ BREN rifles in that very same calibre, the notorious 7.62x39 say about the state of terrorist assemblages today, where GIGN is concentrated on city-based operations and 7.62x39 is especially effective against vehicles, when vehicle-based attacks have become far more common in response to developing tactic and counter-tactics? What can we learn through study of this? That police, intelligence agents, state forces of various sorts, would find some kind of rejoicing in their own actions, would band together and see themselves as a force against an indeterminable Other is hardly new, and is seen plenty in the weird company the CIA enjoyed keeping during the 1960s as it played Gladiator in Italy while scoring acid on the West Coast, examining how and why and with what means wars are fought is part of studying the enemy, learning their tactics and identity, being able to develop from this a kind of reterritorialization in culture, fashion, in antifascism.

Even the US Military admits that, in looking at counterinsurgency, the work of Mao is some of the best when it comes to proscribing a program for guerrilla warfare, and it was former Maoists in Angola who became the favorite collaborators of the CIA. World War II is perhaps the best example of recapture tactics being used on a large scale: while the PPSH was a phenomenal weapon, Russian troops were by no means against using captured MP40s, and used them well to kill plenty of Nazis. Stocks of captured MP40s were important to Yugoslav Partisans, along with cheaply-manufactured Sten guns, the likes of which we are likely to see alongside clandestine Glocks and AR-15s and M11s in any kind of upcoming insurgency within the United States. Reading gun magazines is fucking grating, given the editorial slant of even issues devoted to AK variants (which remind one of the endless brutalities of the Soviet regime while failing to mention even a single misdeed by the US or any remotely related force, many of whom ran dedicated death squads with plenty of AKs in hand!)

When it comes to the DPRK, to Cuba, to the aesthetics and philosophy and anti-philosophy of Maoism, of Maoist struggle (including Maoists against the CCP and the aesthetics of the CCP and the PLA itself throughout history, including current developments in weapons technology) and furthermore the way in which one looks at countries such as say, Russia or China as counter-hegemonies to US Hegemony (that are rearticulated as hegemonic forces themselves, reminding one that hegemony is neither good, nor bad, but again not by necessity good even in reversal, as it implies a certain strategic power as laid out by Laclau and Mouffe) and of course the Orientalist concept of power and “despotism” as occasionally named in Deleuze and Guattari but the sort of Orientalist fetishization that one sees in complete, uncritical refusal of even a cursory glance at exactly what acts such as Chinese “counter-terrorism” entails or any attempt at analyzing Hong Kong coherently (coherent analysis of such a large movement built around a spontaneous series of events, acts of assembly as part of a movement developing and demonstrating over time, one claimed across the political spectrum in Western discourses that read it in relation to numerous neoliberal forces) one must engage in an analysis that critiques state power, the enforcement thereof, and the various means by which this develops through at least some kind of act of reterritorialization due to the near-inherent liberalism and eventual fascist recapture of posting such critique on capitalist spaces like any website of note

so, as a means of questioning, as a means of presenting an alternative to those wishing to engage, question, deny, argue, and interact with an object such as those knuckledusters that is not going to implicitly support not only a fascist order of power but a fascist who themselves posted the knuckledusters with “this machine kills comrades”, who rejoices in the very kind of bloodshed you stand so principled against? I have no qualms about that. 

I am not against finding new weapons, I very much want to “find” many of the weapons I post pictures of in the hands of dead cops and treat them as they deserve to be treated. That BREN in 7.62x39 I mentioned earlier? I want one! I want a Zastava M76 in 8mm because that is such a strange example of how the AK Pattern was adopted by various socialist nations based on their own doctrines, and I sure as hell wanna rob someone who has a Tavor or Galil ACE because I am not gonna break BDS just for a cool rifle. Organizations like the EZLN and the NPA have no qualms about using captured weapons, and why should they? good rifles are good rifles. And looking at the aesthetics of war and hegemony in current contexts in order to juxtapose that with the cyberpunk futures we imagined and the post-cyberpunk Virtual Hyperreality we find ourselves in now, the infinite expanse of Silicon Valley to Hipster Runoff from Brooklyn now gentrifying Queens, learning the language of the enemy is important.

[pikaflute]

Being wrong is hard work. We as people like to be right and correct all the time. Being wrong feels....well wrong. You feel ashamed for your mistakes and like total shit when you’re wrong. We strive to always be correct and right all the time, but you’re never going to be right all the time. Hell, even as I’m typing this I know I’ve been wrong and time to time I fuck up. 

But see, I and many other people change frequently. I am not the same person i was when I started this blog back in 2014. I’m much more aware of the consequences of my actions as I’ve grown up and matured and am more aware of fuck ups I make. Changing and growing up is hard, and many people are stubborn and don’t want to do it. Taking accountability has to put them in this awkward confrontational spot that makes them actually take responsibility and they don’t want to do it.

With that in mind, I’m here to say shut the fuck up. So what? You’re wrong. Admit that you fucked up. Apologize. Take responsibility for what you did an become a better person.

The elephant in the room is obviously Gaud. This is not their first time up to the tumblr discourse bat, and while, yes, sending death threats is a little extreme, fans of Gaud seem to think that’s all that is happening. But it’s not. People just want accountability. They want Gaud to just apologize cleanly for lesbophobia and saying the nword while Gaud is not black.

But Gaud either refuses to apologize cleanly or just, dismisses all criticism as angry trolls who are TERFs (their fans did this more than Gaud themself did) or not really black ("Due to the details of call out culture, it’s difficult for me to ascertain if any of the criticism I’ve begun receiving is from actual black voices, or if (as I suspect) it is almost entirely from the group of trolls who have been targeting my blog over the last few months, and appropriating minority voices as an excuse. I am very ready to listen to feedback and criticism about the post in question, but from black voices specifically. If I was disrespectful, I want to fix that. But I’m damn tired of trolls speaking for (and erasing) minority voices as an excuse to harass people online.“).

The first apology regarding the lesbophobia was okay in theory. However, their tags say and I quote “#the only purpose of these dumbass shitposts is to make people laugh #while also feeling the need to check under the bed for monsters” which seems a little disingenuous, as if to say “i don’t know why everyone is so mad, these were just jokes”

No you may be wondering why I said in theory this apology was good. Well this reply popped up calling angry and upset lesbians abusive shitheads and Gaud basically agreeing with what they said. Yeah real fucking sorry huh. Not to mention basically pubically posting the urls of angry lesbians who were rightly felt mad at their lesbophobia as “hatemail”.

Their second more recent apology was even worse. If we’re not counting how they basically don’t believe many people criticizing them were not black they don’t even apologize for using it. They say “I chose not to censor the word when copying the quote b/c Sam purposely uses it as a powerful final note to her speech, and at the time I was concerned that censoring it would be dishonest, and catering to white discomfort.” This is excusing it, it’s not even an apology. They even start the post with “ I’ve been accused of using the N word.“ as if they don’t even know what the problem is. And they use it again in that “apology post! They basically learnt nothing!

This is also not addressing the female socialization comment they made which is transmisogynistic. Specifically in the tags of this post (now deleted) said “ #i’m nonbinary but i’ve been socialized and perceived female my whole life which means there is a huge overlap bt the female experience and my experiences.” Whether Gaud meant to or not, this in itself is transmisogynistic, as TERFs use it to say trans women are not real women since they have been “male socialized” instead of female socialized. I am not a trans woman myself, so my knowledge is pretty limited, however the callout I have linked in the bottom of this post does go into it in more detail in the transmisogynist section

So why did they delete the tags? Well, they made this post after deleting said tags. You may notice that isn’t apology, this is an attempt to garner sympathy.  And before you say it, yes Gaud made an apology in the replies of the original post they made. But why only in the replies? Just posting a really shitty post that is like “well these meanies don’t like me because I can’t apologize correct!” just makes people like you even less.

Finally, in this post they admit they cannot take criticism. But this reply sucks. They say they’ve never learned how to process criticism from their parents/adults (ignoring the fact that responding to criticism depends on you specifically and also they literally just shifted the blame of them no being able to do as their parent’s fault what???). They also say they can’t reply correctly to criticism because of “angry scrutiny & criticism from anonymous internet users who may or may not already have decided I’m irredeemably”. Which is like...huh? You can’t reply to criticism because people don’t like you for the thing that they’re criticizing you for? What are they supposed to do then? Gaud also employed self-deprecation “Or I’m a shitty garbage person who should delete their blog." and specific tags such as “im sorry for bumming ya’ll out” which is more of a cry for sympathy than an actual apology.

In conclusion, Gaud needs to learn how to apologize and handle criticism. They need to realize that people who is criticizing them is not a hater out to get them, and have valid critiques. Sometimes people are going to be angry, but you can’t dismiss someone because they’re angry at you. As someone who is autistic as well, I understand that communication can be difficult but you need to take responsibility regardless. As I said earlier, just admit that you fucked up. These wishy washy and sympathy grabbing replies aren’t going to cut it.

Not everyone is going to like you Gaud. Not everyone is going to forgive you. And that’s okay! I think personally if you apologized without trying to make yourself seem like the person who’s been wronged more people would see that as a step in the right direction. It’s just so far, every attempt Gaud has made has not done that as I’ve explained.

And to Gaud’s fans, wanting Gaud to properly apologize is not callout culture. It’s wanting an adult to take responsibility for their actions.

Here’s a more in depth callout post for gaud to read at your leisure as well. TW: for rape, pedophilia, antisemitism, incest, anti black racism and lesbophobia.

[yankeeclapdoctor]

That ScreenRant article came out and I’ve decided now is as good a time as any to pour my 7-year-old Loki headcanon analysis gasoline onto the discourse fire

Seriously don’t keep reading this if you don’t want to be bombarded with pieces of what has been in my head for the past 7 years i’m not fucking messing around my friends don’t have a choice to be attacked with this shit when i start talking in person but it’s the internet so you do have a choice. but for the record: I don’t condone his attempts at genocide or other violent actions, and I know it’s bad writing, and i am also aware that it’s 2018 not 2013. But I still love him. Thank you good day

SO I went through and wrote all over the Marvel profile for Loki and here are some things I have to say that can actually be backed up by canon evidence (I have my other headcanons that are just mine that can only be expressed in angsty fanfic but this isn’t the place for that):

In Thor (2011), Loki brings the Frost Giants to infiltrate Asgard on Thor’s coronation day. He tells Laufey that it was “to ruin [his] brother’s big day,” but we also know from his argument with Sif and the Warriors Three that he didn’t believe Thor was ready to rule yet (and he was right! he didn’t go about any of what he did correctly at all but he was right that Thor wasn’t ready and if he hadn’t been right there wouldn’t have been a movie). He doesn’t ruin Thor’s coronation because he wants to be king, he ruins it both because he’s THE GOD OF MISCHIEF and because he thought he was doing what was best for Asgard (which comes from him just being an entitled little pompous bitch but we all knew that already). 

After he finds out that he’s a Frost Giant, he loses his fucking mind and becomes desperate for Odin’s approval and to be “worthy,” especially after having felt overshadowed by Thor throughout his life. Finding out that he was a Frost Giant and that Odin took him hoping to “bring about permanent peace through [him]” made him feel even more used and inferior, driving him to (understandably) lose it and try to prove himself “worthy” of being both Odin’s son and an effective person who can be powerful on his own, not just a pawn as Odin first intended for him. 

As he says to Thor, he “never wanted the throne. [He] only ever wanted to be [Thor’s] equal”—and this is true, both before he knows about his adoption and after: before, Loki felt overshadowed because Thor’s physical strength and status as the heir gave him more positive regard (fuck. look at me using my psychology terms), and afterwards he wants to be Thor’s “equal” just in being deemed “worthy” of Odin’s love and in being seen as a powerful independent person. When Thor asks him why he’s trying to commit genocide he answers, “To prove to father that I am a worthy son.” He thinks that the only way to prove to Odin that he is worthy is to prove that he should be a king, because Thor who has been deemed “worthy” by Odin (and by Mjolnir) is the heir, and therefore kings = “worthy” so Loki should become a king so he can be “worthy”!!! He’s fucked up!!! THIS IS NOT TO EXCUSE HIS ATTEMPT TO COMMIT GENOCIDE AGAINST THE FROST GIANTS. THAT WAS NOT OKAY. I am just deeply psychoanalyzing his motives because Tom Hiddleston played him with this amount of emotional depth and I will prove it by analyzing everything. 

Look at his eyes. what the Fuck. He’s so broken and hurt and out of his fucking mind. He doesn’t know what to do because he’s so angry that he’s a Frost Giant and hates that part of himself and wants to destroy it so he kills his fucking biological father and then tries to kill all the Frost Giants, rejecting them in an attempt to endear himself to Odin and the Asgardians while also believing he’ll never be accepted by them, especially Thor after he saw Thor go berserk on the Frost Giants at the beginning of the movie. and hearing Thor say anything contrary to the fucked up stuff he’s convinced himself of makes him lose it even more. 

ANyway moving on. So Thor stops the genocide from happening which is great (would have been nice if he’d succeeded in stopping it in IW too but oh well bad writing), but after Odin says “no, Loki” instead of you know maybe helping his sons up onto solid ground before trying to have a conversation, Loki lets go and falls into the abyss, definitely believing that he’s gonna die. 

The Marvel profile thing says he “arrives at the Sanctuary” and “meets the Other,” but it was definitely more like he fucking crashed there and got captured by Chitauri, brought to the Other who interrogated him about where he came from, brought him to Thanos, who then tortured him more. 

like...im sorry but this is not the face of a guy who was welcomed into Thanos’s creepy rock lair with open arms and martinis. He was fucking tortured. Not be be 2013 on main analyzing every frame to prove this again but I’m going to: he stumbles when he’s walking with Clint and Selvig to leave the big science room, and he has trouble getting into the truck thing because he’s INJURED from TORTURE see:

ass

[Not to mention all the dialogue in this scene that could be things he was told during his torture and brainwashing/manipulation that he’s repeating back as part of his mindfuckery, but I’m not gonna talk about it bc i know it’s also j*ss’s bad writing not knowing how to write Loki or anyone else and im not getting into that discourse right now. but also for my analytical purposes in my headcanon all of Loki’s dialogue in his first scene in Avengers (2012) is what Thanos told him during his torture]

ANYWAY my point is that Loki was not only influenced by the mind stone; thank you Marvel for finally acknowledging that that happened, but 

Loki was also tortured by Thanos and the Other prior to receiving the scepter

the Other threatens him with being tortured if he “fails” and “if the Tesseract is kept from us” and says “you think you know pain,” which could only refer either to him falling from the Bifrost and landing wherever the fuck he lands (whatever the fuck “The Sanctuary” is. Marvel you can’t just give things stupid cryptic names after the fact what the fuck that’s not fair), or to PREVIOUS TORTURE BY THANOS

the torture was physical as you can see from the everything about him in Avengers (2012), but also psychological as you can tell from his interactions with Thor throughout the movie. let’s take a look

ok well that’s sorta accurate to the feelings he had in Thor (2011). No evidence of brainwashing torture there. carry on.

See but that’s not right. Thor didn’t “toss” him, and while the influence of the mind stone could be warping his memory to make him think that, it would make more sense for Thanos to have used it or other torture to warp his memories to make him think that, to ensure that he would have this thought and this reasoning in his head before encountering his brother again [i know it’s really just bad writing shut up]. Thanos and the Other used Loki’s existing feelings of inferiority, thinking that ruling = worthiness, and resentment towards Thor to manipulate his memories, changing some of them with torture before giving him the scepter which then amplified those feelings and cognitive distortions (ha more psych terms) even more so he could carry out the plan to take over Earth. Playing on Loki’s existing resentment towards Thor made him willing to go after Earth, as he also pretty much says in this scene, so this all doesn’t excuse what he does. He isn’t being completely mind controlled. He’s been manipulated and tortured in a way that uses his existing negative feelings and tendency to create chaos as the GOD OF MISCHIEF to create violent action on behalf of a genocidal alien. Thor notices that when he asks this:

He recognizes Loki’s anger and resentment and twisted ambition from their last fight, but also sees from Loki’s descriptions of the tesseract’s power that his brother’s feelings have been manipulated and amplified by someone’s (and something’s) influence. His later interaction with Loki during the attack on New York when he appeals to him to stop almost works, in that moment people always screenshot to show that Loki’s eyes were blue and therefore he’s controlled by the scepter too oooooOOOOoooOOo (no guys Tom Hiddleston’s eyes are blue and Loki wasn’t controlled by the scepter in the same way as Clint and Selvig). Thor gets Loki to look at the violence around them and asks “do you think this madness will end with your rule?” and this gets through to Loki because he knows he’s not good at establishing order—he creates chaos because he’s THE GOD OF MISCHIEF. His ability to create chaos has been used by Thanos in a ploy to get the Tesseract, the idea that Loki would rule Earth used as vengeful motivation stemming from Loki’s pre-existing feelings of animosity and his earlier need to prove himself “worthy” that have been amplified by both his torture and the influence of the scepter. 

IN CONCLUSION (for now): Loki can create chaos, not control or rule it (see: Thor 2011), but his breakdown in Thor (2011) made him desperate to prove that he can rule, that he can fix problems he creates: he ruins Thor’s coronation and it goes too far, getting Thor banished and nearly starting a war with Jotunheim. He tries to fix it in an attempt to prove himself “worthy” to Odin, but can’t fix it. Thanos uses this need he has to prove himself to make him wreak havoc on Earth to get the Tesseract, but the Avengers defeat him, and Thanos not stepping in to get the Tesseract then 

shows that none of his plan was actually about Earth beyond trying to get the Tesseract and he used Loki’s resentment towards Thor to get to Earth for it

Marvel is bad at setting up long-term villains like Thanos and they should have done Secret Invasion instead because after Avengers (2012) they just fucking forget about him. because they should have introduced the other infinity stones earlier on so that him showing up made more sense. but whatever

So in actual concise response to Marvel updating the thing to say that Loki was influenced by the scepter/mind stone in Avengers (2012): yes thank you for finally fucking saying it and addressing one aspect of your inconsistent writing. We been knew. Loki was influenced by the scepter after being tortured and psychologically manipulated by Thanos and the Other between his fall from the Bifrost and the start of Avengers (2012). This does not mean he was not responsible for his destructive and murderous actions on Earth—that was fucked up—and he still very much did try to commit genocide in Thor (2011). I am not excusing that. However, he is a fictional character and I love him.

[beeyeah]

Jikook: Appeal to Logic

Title: Appeal to Logic

Summary: /Jikook/ Two-shot/ Canon/ Where Jimin tries to convince Yoongi why he was positive Jungkook likes him and Yoongi asks him, “What would you do with that information?”

Indeed, Jimin wonders what the point was to all this.

Notes: I wanted to post on Valentine’s but I guess my calendar is ten days late hhhhh Anyway, I lurk a lot in Jikook tags (like I’m here everyday) and I’ve read long discourses regarding the legitimacy of their relationship. I thought it’d be interesting if one of them begins to share his proofs too and joins the hot pot of convo his own way. TLDR; enter this fic lol I promise it won’t be 20 chapters this time. 

Chapter 1 under cut or you can read at Ao3

Chapter 1: Points Were Made

It was an on and off thing.

Like a passion project that you know you just would figure how to complete someday but needed time because life would get in the way.

Today though marked the moment Park Jimin was ready to lay out his cards and tell someone that definitely… maybe… with a little more sprinkle of confidence that --

“Hyung, I think Jungkook likes me.”

There was silence in Min Yoongi’s room when the statement was pronounced. It made Jimin squirm on his seat as he tried to understand the non-committal stare directed at him, right behind the bond paper that held Jimin’s scribbled notes for lyrics.

Ah, that was right.

His initial purpose was to hear Yoongi’s feedback on a thing he'd been working on. Somewhere along the way, his thoughts drifted to another which inevitably led to his bold declaration of Jungkook’s far from familial, alleged infatuation for him.

Yoongi reached out to his left where his mug of coffee sat.

“I don't know what you want me to say. Of course, Jungkook likes you.”

Jimin frowned, wrapping his head around how he should explain himself. “No, hyung. I mean Jungkook likes me.”

Yoongi’s mouth was slightly gaped and his eyes were blank. His hyung looked lost while he attempted to blink his confusion away.

Well, his observations go way way back, two years worth of evidence. Right in the hallway of their home, an evening in October.

“Jungkook treats me differently,” he told Yoongi, legs crossed and under him as he put up a finger and discussed his first point.

It wasn't as if it was only him who questioned it. Jungkook only gave Jimin a birthday present in the span of the past years, no one else and that got to mean something.

They were all tired from shoot that most of them were tempted not to shower. Hoseok was pushing him around and urging him to a quick bath before lying on his bed because that was what Hoseok was. He liked things clean and perfect and that same rule applied for his roommate. But then Jeon Jungkook, his beloved dongsaeng, appeared out of nowhere and blocked him from his merry way to the bathroom. A little awkwardly might he add because he stood there, hand fiddling with his fringes and eyes searching the floor in trepidation. At that point, both Jimin and Hoseok unlatched themselves from each other's grip to attend to the youngest who seemed to need some attention.

To his surprise, and perhaps his hyung’s too, Jungkook held out his hand and shoved Jimin a paper bag. Hoseok curiously peeked from his shoulder as Jimin tried to open it while muttering, “What's this?”

Jungkook answered with a shrug and he waited. He waited there and watched Jimin opened his present.

It wasn't even anything grand. In this stage of their career, they were just beginning to gain traction from their first win and as Namjoon had put it, at breakeven, to finally enjoy the fruits of their hard labor. Knowing how their earnings were distributed based on performance and royalty fees, Jimin was pretty sure Jungkook received the same profit he did. To be honest, it wasn't exactly much. The only difference was that Jimin was prone to lavish it on people while Jungkook would save it for practical and grander things.

The practical, grander things in Jungkook’s head was Jimin. Bought him a sweatshirt which costed around 44,000 krw. Jimin researched the price because he was curious how much the maknae was willing to spend on him.

No greeting cards. Not a high end brand. Just plain white paper bag from the department store where he bought his first gift for a Bangtan member.

Needless to say, Jimin was ecstatic and made sure to rub it on everyone's face.

“Jimin-ah,” Yoongi tried to interrupt him but he shushed the older with an afterthought.

“It wasn't the gift that's strange. Jungkook's face was really weird when I thanked him.”

Jimin knew Jungkook well enough to know when he was happy. Whatever gratefulness he saw on Jimin’s face translated on how satisfied Jungkook was on what he did. There was a sense of pride and innocent glee in Jungkook’s eyes similar to the way they would twinkle when he was offered cheesecake or lamb skewers. It was odd how he was comparing himself to food but Yoongi would probably understand the reference. He would bring Jungkook to lamb skewers so often that the maknae even vowed to stay with him forever if he would agree to become business partners.

That was beside the point.

Back then, Jimin thought he was onto something but the idea didn't linger because it was indeed a special occasion. Jungkook was a good dongsaeng and treated his hyung well even outside their birthdays so, on a second thought, it wasn't really much of an evidence.

The hand that held Jimin’s lyrics now dangled limply over the office chair’s armrest.

“Jimin-ah, just get to the point.”

Jimin pursed his lips. As far as he was concerned, he was straightforward from the get-go. He thought Jungkook likes him and he stated the fact right on, now presenting his evidence.

“Number two,” he said after lifting another finger. Perhaps Yoongi wanted him to speed things up and he should. He certainly didn't have all day with their comeback looming around the corner. “Jungkook thinks I'm beautiful.”

Yoongi’s confusion had more color to it this time. Beyond his blinking eyes that questioned where this conversation was headed, his brows met when he spoke, “Should this really be coming out of your own mouth?”

“It didn't come from me. Jungkook told me,” he replied, voice defensive.

“Jungkook thinks you're cute. But so do I. Might as well tell me that all members like you.”

“No,” Jimin answered, tucking his arm in and across his chest. His eyes narrowed, teeth worrying his lips, trying to recall the exact moment that prompted him to ask the youngest. “Ah, that's right,” he muttered when the epiphany came. He searched his pockets for his phone and scrolled through countless and countless of albums of selcas and videos of him with Bangtan.

It was somewhere in there.

“Hyung… this,” he finally said after almost five minutes of sifting through his files.

Yoongi’s back was facing him after he stopped talking to look for his proof. He really should've prepared it beforehand. Now his hyung seemed to have completely lost his interest. He was typically patient to listen, but Jimin interrupted him when he was in the midst of editing a melody submission.

Though Yoongi said it was fine. Jimin would be his breath of fresh air because the team would so rarely go out during crucial period right before their comeback. He knew better not to push the limit but it was tempting and he needed someone to listen to him.

He pulled the bean bag next to his hyung’s leg, lifted his phone so that Yoongi would be able to see what he was referencing to.

His hair was pink, the clip a mere six- seconder. He was staring at the camera, trying to appeal to ARMY. He needed it. There was this greedy part of him that wanted to know how they would react to his flirting. Tell people, ‘Hey, Jimin is right here and this is how he looks right now. His hair changed.’ That kind of drill right before their comeback and their response would in a way boost his confidence. A conscious tactic to keep his fans interested in him perhaps?

“What do you think?”

Yoongi made a face and pulled back to a cringe as he'd expected. Highly likely, he would've done the same thing if any other member showed him a video of themselves. So he merely nodded in agreement. Bangtan wasn't the audience for this video. ARMY was.

“Do you know how Jungkookie reacted when I showed this to him?”

Yoongi sighed. “Would I want to know?”

“He replayed it, hyung,” he said as a matter-of-factly. “He told me I should post it because our fans would love it. Which I did, if you remember.”

“I don't,” Yoongi admitted and turned his chair so that he was facing Jimin, a leg over the other while he waited for him to continue.

“I posted it on Twitter and do you know who posted afterwards?”

“Jungkook?”

It wasn't a wild guess.

“Yeah,” Jimin confirmed the obvious. “After 10 minutes, he posted something and you know what it said?”

No response.

“He posted a song.”

The title was right on the hashtag #ILYSB by Lany.

When it came to music that wasn't in their own language, Jimin would seldom take efforts to find translation. So long as he understood bits and pieces of what little English he knew, he could work around it. Namjoon said to be careful of listening to artists that might cause uproar by association, so he would still have to check it out if he'd want to share it with the fans. But for as much as he believed that lyricism was a key ingredient to any good music, Jimin preferred to feel rather than completely understand and analyze. That job was for their leader.

However, he decided that he wanted to fathom the youngest’s thoughts that night.

The noob part of him thought the title was some secret internet code popular in the west so he searched naver only to be greeted by a simple yet telling I love you so bad. His mouth formed an ‘oh’ when he realized that it might've been an intense confession. It invariably piqued his curious mind so that later he would be listening on loop to… and you need to know that I'm hella obsessed with your face.

“You're reading into it too much,” Yoongi told him with a shake of his head as he reached again for his coffee. “I'm not one to judge who you want to date, but think how this appears to other people.” Yoongi paused, seemingly debating what he should and shouldn't say next. “Jimin-ah, a lot could happen in ten minutes. Like you, Jungkook might be sending that message to the fans. Namjoon recommends a lot of songs. It wouldn't be about us.”

“I know, so I asked him directly.”

Yoongi almost spat his drink on him. He tapped his chest as he drowned out his cough to reaffirm. “Ya, you what?”

“I asked him if the lyrics were about me.”

“And?”

“He laughed,” Jimin confessed.

Truth be told, his ego was slightly hurt to see Jungkook’s initial response to his question. He was serious about it because he was just about more than a quarter sure about his theory. It didn't feel good to have this kid finding amusement to something he pored over. He could've just said ‘no’ outrightly and Jimin wouldn't have minded.

Jungkook’s laughter died down when he saw Jimin’s expression transform and he was reaching out for his hand in apology before he knew it.

Jimin let him hold him.

“It was…” he almost sounded uncertain. “Hyung, why are you being like this?” Sounded almost helpless and then relenting, “Yeah, it was about you. I was nervous so I laughed.” Instinctively, his free hand reached for his fringes like the night of Jimin’s birthday.

When he saw the younger fidget, Jimin felt relieved. Ah, he still knew Jungkook better than anyone. Mindful to see every little shift in the air, Jimin wasn't wrong in reading the situation.

He ruffled Jungkook's head and returned the wide staring with his own curled eyes in amusement. “I knew it,” mumbled to himself and turned once he got the confirmation that he wanted.

“You just left?” Yoongi asked him, tone surprised that it nudged some bafflement at the back of Jimin’s head.

He bobbed his head yes because, well, what else was he supposed to do? He already proved he was right. Yoongi hadn't even heard the rest of his evidences yet.

“Three,” he said to share what was left in his folder.

“Stop,” Yoongi said, planting a foot on Jimin's thigh to emphasize the urgency of his demand.

Jimin slapped the foot away and dusted off his pants.

“Do you even like Jungkook?”

He tilted his head sideways. “Of course,” Jimin answered simply, wondering why it was even a question in the first place. He liked Jungkook. Jungkook was and still is his favorite dongsaeng and BTS member. He'd take care of him even if he grew his muscles and grew taller than him.

Yoongi shook his head. “I don't think we're talking about the same thing.”

“For the third one… ” Jimin took in the opportunity of minute lag on Yoongi’s response to divert the conversation back to the task at hand. He really didn't understand what Yoongi meant but better to finish this off before his momentum dried and faltered.

He picked up his phone again and browsed through his apps. It was quite a long memory lane down Vapp’s timeline until he found the correct reference. He slid the video right on the important moment, him in his bathrobe with Taehyung’s voice singing in the background. The camera was on with Jungkook in his white shirt’s glory, sitting for all ARMY to see.

“That's right… Jimin-hyung is bad at playing games,” Jungkook said to echo his claim.

Back then, the staff berated them silently to turn off vapp. Jungkook was too loud. Jimin wasn't kidding when he said he was hearing him across the hallway. They were only given five hours to eat, take a bath, and nap before they reconvene for post-con review and plan out the adjustments in their set list but this kid chose to do an hour of live for the fans.

Jimin was out his room because Sungdeuk wanted to talk to Hoseok. They needed to work on spacing for Not Today. Their hyung thought they didn't maximize the stage well enough and he was also keen to give feedback on blockings for medley so they could properly execute group choreography for Bultaoreune.

Hoseok was too tired to get up his bed so he texted Jimin if he could get the notes in his place. Which Jimin was happy to do. He loved the fact that Hoseok trusted him and it gave him a sense of pride.

He and Sungdeuk were just about done talking when the older guy stopped him from his tracks by grabbing his arm.

“Can you tell Jungkook to tone it down a little? I heard he opened vapp but everyone's tired.”

Jimin honestly didn't want to deal with it. He was wearing his bathrobe without any make-up and only rushed out in the middle of his evening skin care routine because he wanted to be a useful dongsaeng to Hosoek and let him have an early rest. If he so much as spoke, audible for fans to hear, people were going to ask and he'd have to show himself on camera. Jeon Jungkook, really this kid should know when to stop.

“You know Jungkook listens to you well.”

Jimin jutted out his lower lip, “He doesn't.”

He could already imagine the maknae turning the volume up further for the sake of raising his hackles. Sungdeuk knew this but he was asking Jimin to do it because he knew Jimin couldn't say no when it came to Jungkook.

“Alright, alright,” he said, bobbing his head weakly and dragging his feet towards Jungkook’s room.

Across the end of the floor, he saw Taehyung towing right behind their leader who whispered him something. It made his friend glance at his direction and the next thing he knew, Namjoon was off his room and Taehyung was walking the opposite direction.

Taehyung got hold up by Sungdeuk who was midway his own room and right then, Jimin pressed on Jungkook’s room’s bell and twisted the knob open.

“I heard you from the neighboring room. Let me sleep,” he said, trying to keep his tone annoyed and nagging even when Jungkook was beaming at him so widely. “Stop singing in the middle of the night. Go to sleep.”

“You're losing me here, Jimin-ah. This is just you trying to discipline Jungkook. I would've scolded him the same.”

“Hyung,” Jimin replied sternly, eyes determined and a hand squeezing Yoongi’s thigh. “Did you watch it? Jungkook wanted my attention.”

Yoongi leaned back on his chair, challenging.

“Well, it wasn't even about that.”

His proof went beyond Jungkook's childish yet so endearing attempts to make Jimin come back and join his live. He slid the video right back to the moment and handed his phone in Yoongi’s hand.

When he crashed Jungkook's live that evening, Jimin had every intention to make an impression. After how people disregarded his precious, scant hours of work reprieve, he believed he deserved the screen time. It was tempting to test the waters to say the least. Not just with Jungkook. He wasn't dumb, well aware of his effect when he tried to appeal to someone.

“I don't know why you go to those lengths. They like you already,” Yoongi interrupted him mid-explanation, referencing to their fans. “What's more to prove?”

Jimin wondered to himself why but decided against it. “That's not the point, hyung,” he offered, not wanting to divert from the case at hand. They could ramble on about his insecurities later.

After confiscating the speaker that agitated Namjoon down to coordi noona who just finished fixing damaged buttons of their Blood, Sweat and Tears stage costumes, he went back in Jungkook’s room to greet their fans. A hand comb through his blond hair, cute sounds, zoom the bare face closer to the camera when he knew he just applied mask so he'd look good.

More important than that though was to stare at someone far longer than what was necessary that he’d be conscious to repay the attention. So he did what he knew would work, lure Jungkook's eyes to him and whisper. Mumble because that required someone to pay better heed and read his lips.

“That's not right, I was good at playing games a year ago.”

Then Jungkook would nod absentmindedly and whip his head towards his direction as Taehyung sang Chandelier in the background. Jimin wouldn't say it was the perfect song for the moment but it was good to have a song. Cause Jimin was aware they were recorded. He could go back to this, a song would help with epiphany and drama.

“What do you think?” he asked Yoongi who was squinting at his phone. Doubtful but probably a lot more convinced than he was five minutes ago. “I can be convincing if I want to.” He extended an arm to retrieve his phone.

He fell forward when his hyung suddenly pulled back to keep the small device out of reach. “I don't know if you're being serious about this.”

Jimin titled his head. “I am,” he said. “I am serious. Jungkook really likes me.”

He wasn't unreasonable. The kid had a habit of staring when someone would talk. He observed these things, sometimes obsessively, because it helped him understand the maknae better. So he knew why Jungkook would do it. He found it difficult to focus and physically directing his attention to someone would help him catch what they were trying to say better. It wouldn't be a deal then if Jimin was talking.

But when it was Namjoon who was put on spot to answer an English interview, their leader who still strove to speak a foreign language to represent the group, Jimin quite expected for Jungkook to listen… ogle.

“The korean teacher asked me a question, ‘What are the hardships of being a leader?’”

It wasn’t the first time Jungkook was caught. There was one at a fansign, then at the backstage of a music show, also during that one gayo episode and probably instances he wasn’t aware or the others he couldn’t remember. If Jimin wasn’t so busy overthinking things, he would have found it funny how Jungkook would play it cool and avert his gaze elsewhere. 

“There are hardships when we take positions, specifically being a leader...”

Namjoon continued his answer in the background while Jimin thought to himself what actually goes through the maknae’s head when he would look at him. Was the need so compelling that he’d do it or was Jimin really just that. Beautiful?

“Ya, do you hear yourself?”

Jimin giggled, his head falling back to comfortably rest on the loveseat. It was funny to call himself beautiful. Even he wouldn’t be that shameless.

The point still stands though. Jungkook would stare at him, and he would call him beautiful.

“It has to mean something right?”

He wanted to confirm the motivations behind the not-so-subtle attention. However, he didn’t want to do a repeat of the last time when he confronted Jungkook about the song. It made the air between them strained and the youngest would agonize in his presence. Jimin thought he was being shy so he’d hold back.

But then what about his own curiosity?

“You’re curious, that’s it,” Yoongi said plainly. “What would you do with that information?”

Jimin pursed his lips as he thought about it. 

Good point. Where was he leading with all these? He didn’t think that far enough. He wasn’t even done with his final proof.

“What do you think, hyung? What should I do about it?”

...To be continued

[ungracefulace]

Hot take that exclusionists are NOT ready for but

I cant stand when exclusionists go "well we built our community you guys are just being lazy and trying to leech instead of putting in the effort!!" Because it's so fucking wrong and pretentious

First of all, no. Yall didnt "build the community". You guys had no part in that. People who share your identities did, before most of yall were even considered let alone conceived. A bunch of bitter ass 15 year olds absolutely didnt make the community, and yall dont have residual knowledge on how communities work just from being gay. Im sorry but its true. If anything, aces and aros do more actual community building than exclusionists because we have to constantly tell people again and again what our orientation is, dispell misinformation, make positivity for ourselves to combat hate, make terms to describe our experiences, and more.

Secondly, no part of the "inclusionist agenda" involves leeching. Aces and aros being included in the community isnt going to work any different than any other group being in the community being included. That is to say that while we are separated we all share general community resources and support. Leeching off of the community implies we are going out of our way to take from someone else when that's not at all the case. Yall say it like we want being ace to be an all access pass to any community or some shit.

And finally, this isnt laziness. If we were so lazy, you wouldn't find countless YouTube channels and blogs (not just on tumblr either) dedicated to asexuality 101. You wouldn't see any aces marching in pride parades, you wouldn't see any pamphlets or infographics that talk about aces, there wouldn't be an ace awareness week, you wouldn't know about the ace flag, and you wouldn't even be in ace discourse. Yall would think "aces arent LGBT and we wouldn't do anything except for maybe a few people thinking that's not fair. We are putting in the work and the time. That's why there are books about asexuality, that's why there are ace activists writing articles and going to schools to talk about their experiences and orientation. Effort is occurring. Yall just dont like it because we arent putting in effort to do what you want.

You say make a separate community. We have already been doing that. Every LGBT+ community is separated but allied regardless of how yall like to soup us together for the express purpose of excluding aces. What I face for being gay is different than what another member of the community might face for being bi. My being trans is different than lesbian experiences. My being intersex gives me different experiences than other perisex trans people!

This community as we know it today was built not just by the gays, but on the backs of trans women of color decades ago. It was supported and shaped from people from all walks of life and different identities as time went on, with the express purpose to be more inclusive and to acknowledge that theres no one LGBT+ experience. Literally every group in the community other than cis white gays and lesbians were excluded from the community and had to make the community except them and even now fucking cis bisexuals get intracommunity hate. If you want to call people ahistorical actually sit down and acknowledge the shitty rocky road the community was built upon and the fact the community is constantly changing. Realize that not doing things the way you want them doesnt mean things arent happening.

And to be quite honest at this point I'm not even trying to "change your mind" or make yall accept aces and aros as LGBT+ by virtue of their ace and aroness. But a lot of the main arguments you have against it are severely flawed and come from a place of either misunderstanding or deliberate misrepresentation of facts. I just want your arguments to be better instead of looking like whiny complaining because an acey stole the color purple or the moon.

[survivor-tierradelfuego]

Ep. 4: “Oh the classic dilemma of Survivor.” - Leanne

Ryan

I'm going to be honest, I'm not really gonna miss Tyler. I feel less bad about kicking him out now that I know he's played before. He was kinda cocky and reclusive- that's not the vibe we need in our tribe.

Najwah

I'm actually upset and really annoyed that no one else is willing to move their times so I can play too? And no one even acknowledged my message lol I started this game under the impression that people from all over the world would participate but instead I'm in a group with a bunch of Americans and I have to adjust my times EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. It is a lot. I feel like quitting. I mean what's the point? I've been struggling with depression for such a long time, it's been amplified by this Lockdown and being part of something, this whole make believe game brought me some kind of joy. Some light. However, being blatantly over looked and left out because its convenient for everyone else kinda sucks. I'm overlooked and left out of everything in real life too. I don't think this game is good for my mental health actually. I feel worthless and like shit and the person I thought had my back the most, Leanne, seems to be the most annoyed with me. She isnt even replying to me in our one on one chat. Guess she got everything she wanted out of me hey? I don't know whether any of this extra stress coupled with sleepless nights and zero concentration when doing my work is worth it?

Zack M

here i come again, carrying the tribe on my back like i always do. (dolly parton reference to "here you come again" ... available on spotify for those who don't know) this is the second time in a row that i stepped up for the team while everyone else was silent. like it's cool. i don't mind doing it for them as long as we win. it's not fair for me to be labeled as a threat because i do my best .... and that best happens to be sometimes better. idk. i'm just here to play. i don't feel the same drive from my teammates. yes. that's it. i'm here to play to win. they just want to win. nothing is going to change for me. i'm going to do every challenge. i'm going to come with the big moves. i'm going to hurt some feelings along the way. but i need to stay in the game to be able to do that. i'm truly scared i'm going to be blindsided if we don't win. COUGH COUGH IM SCARED IM GOING TO BE BLINDSIDED IF WE DONT WIN AND I DONT HAVE AN IMMUNITY IDOL FROM THE WISHING TREE COUGH COUGH ..... i could really use a wish right now (wish right now).

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovDd3CLqYos

Leanne

Have ya heard the news? Our tribe finally won a challenge! This is great news, and not just for the obvious, game/numbers related reasons. The night results were announced my Skype didn’t go off all night. All, night. I think there was a block of at least 12 hours straight I wasn’t looking at it. There was that gaming voice in my head that now and then would urge, you know, you really ought to check in with Aimee and see what she’s up to. You know, you had a conversation with James the other day, you better try building that up. But honestly, these last few days have been so peaceful I just didn’t want to. It was too nice being off line LOL. Of course, there still remains the difficulty that I still don’t know where the target is going to land. I had a check in with the “trio”... Ben and Zach. It was “I don’t know” all around. One of them said that the first person who threw out a name would probably be made a target themselves. So no one will talk about that, seemingly, until we lose. Of course, my individual preferences haven’t changed. I’d still like to see either Cody or Sarah go. Leaning toward Sarah at the moment because she seems more feasible. She wasn’t at our last tribal, she hadn’t checked in for a little while, and when we were getting ready to do the challenge last night most of us thought she wouldn’t be around. I was really hoping she wouldn’t show so that I could make a stronger case for that. Precedent shows that lack of presence is the go-to way to get yourself voted out. And I really don’t know who she’s with, if anyone. I haven’t really talked to her. Maybe I’ll float that idea to people today. Instinct tells me that I should get in before the challenge results are announced, because afterward, if we lose, people will be scrambling, and it could land most anywhere. But if I’m too aggressive with this I could be the one throwing names out there and it could backfire. Oh the classic dilemma of Survivor. In other news, Najwah and I have been working together on the idol hunt. She’s been talking to Cody, I’ve been talking to Zach, and so the question we are pondering is whether they’re giving us trustworthy information, both about the search and the game at large. I actually do believe that we’ve been completely upfront with each other and at this point I trust her as completely as anyone can trust in this game. She continues to be my very best ally and I hope we can keep working closely together as this goes on. It’s only hitting me now how hard it is to form impressions of the other tribe based on the info we have. I’ve been reviewing some of the tribal’s, there’s from yesterday and our last one, and the answers are canned enough and United enough that nothing is really said. Everyone in this cast knows we are here to play a social game, and that means not saying stupid things and trying not to make enemies, especially in these early stages. They look strong and unified. They had an easy vote and seem to like each other, which is very much to be expected. I can’t really gleam any subtext from what I saw. Odds are we are just as hard to read for them. We’ll just have to wait and see come merge time, or possibly swap time? At their tribal the question said there was “talk” of that as well. Here’s hoping I’m not the Johnny come lately to that discourse. But even if it is looming, not much to do about it till you get there. I don’t think that’s something you can necessarily pregame for. So there you have it. It’s been a refreshingly peaceful several days and let’s hope it continues. These results could go either way, and if it doesn’t go the way we want, well, then the game switches into the next gear. That would make me very worried for our numbers down the line, but more immediately we are probably all worried about our place at that point. I have no idea what will happen.

Ryan

I am not very happy by the fact that I will have no control in the fate of our tribe.I'm happy we voted Tyler out unanimously, he was someone we all, especially Pedro and I, agreed on very early. it's gonna be tough now moving forward, but I know who I don't want to vote out

Pedro A

So Today we have the challenge....Im scared if we go to tribal idk who will go

Alan B

Yes! I'm so glad we won - the next vote for our tribe is gonna be a tough one, i really hope making the only mistakes during this challenge doesnt come back to bite me! we won right how bad could it be...

Pedro A

WEEEE WONNNN....stream CLC, RED VELVET AND BLACKPINK...you know why?....cause we have the night offffff.....

Amy A

Another night off 🎉🎉🎉. I’m so ecstatic because there’s no name coming up for vote 2 yet so it could literally be anyone even though I think my alliances with people will carry me through. My alliance with Ryan and Pedro is still strong and I have secret alliances w Maddison, John, and Grae even though Grae’s is more shaky. Im going to go sleep with no worry in my mind at all. Maybe except for a tribe swap. Maola ROCKS and seeing us divided will break me 😭😭

Kalle N

I recently found out that John has been telling almost everyone that he trusts them 100% and not just me so I'm working on making a big move to get him out next time we go to tribal (even though I love him and he has been one of my closest allies this entire game). He's just too charming and close with everyone

Maddison

Hi confessional. Really hoping I didn’t just brand myself a threat during that challenge but I’m glad I could redeem myself from the telephone game. I’ve had new people want to work with me within the thirty minutes following, and I can’t tell yet how legitimate their inquiries are. But hey, that’s Survivor. 

Zack M

jesus christ. there is so much going on right now. we lost again. whomp whomp. but again, i like losing. it let's me know where everyone's head is at. i'll face the consequences later. i want to flush the idol out but no one seems to be with me. i think either aimee or leanne has it. i want to say aimee to leanne and najwah and leanne to aimee because i know they will tell each other, one of them will use it, and then cody sarah ben james and i vote najwah. bye idol. bye to one of their numbers. 2 against 5, there's nothing they can do. BUT NO. so then najwah reaches out to me and calls me the tribe leader. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. clap clap. she sees right though me BUT she is letting me stay? it really is such a bad game move for her. i feel so bad. so najwah started the "hunt alliance" with me cody and leanne. leanne threw out sarah's name so we are going to pretend to go with that. but now the target is leanne in hopes that we just flush the idol out by vote. i think this is dumb and is going to fuck us over but like maybe people are legit. i really have no idea. and now there's a group with everyone besides sarah. i feel so bad. sarah, you're not going anywhere so don't you even worry! i think my plan is the safest but like no one listens to the TRIBE LEADER.

Cody A

Full disclosure y’all, Im just going to preface this confession with the simple fact that I am UNWELL! I just ask that y’all bare with this confession!! It could be as bad as Nick Cannons (very brief) rap career.. on Sunday one of my close friends took her own life.. and It has been difficult to separate this game from real life. In the real game of survivor I’d be stuck in Fiji with no information from the outside world.. so i am trying to navigate this game and real life at the same time. That being said: this vote could be very simple or VERRRRRY complicated. The plan is for our group of 6 “JESS” to tell aimee, Leanne, and naj, that everyone is voting Sarah. 

THATS NOT HAPPENING!!!  SARAH (NOT LACINA) IS MY NUMBER 1 & I WILL PROTECT HER AT ALL COSTS!!! Initially it seemed Zack was adamant about voting Naj our and not Leanne???? but I think I did a really great job of convincing him she is a huge threat! (Gotta save my girl Naj!) The real plan is for JESS  to put all of our votes on Leanne, who still has yet to have a conversation with me. I feel like I am in a great position but I do not want to get comfortable!  

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oz7uKVXHzI&feature=youtu.be

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wH8nJmP6vhE&feature=youtu.be

Leanne

So we lost, again... just great. First there was nothing. Then the trio chat with Ben and Zach got together to exchange obligatory commiserations and giant shrugs. Then Najwah got in touch. Neither of us heard anything. She actually said because of this she just assumed it was her; I’ll get more into this in a bit. As of now she’s the one I trust The most, so I asked her how close she was to Sarah. Turns out, not very. She wanted to start a group chat with Zach and Cody, for the dual purpose of getting that plan together and for comparing info about the idol hunt. So we do that. After a few more rounds of circling the question of what do you think I said to the group that Sarah doesn’t seem to be available a lot or connecting with people. We agreed, and Zach suggested we get the rest of the tribe together, sans Sarah, in another chat to lock it in. This is after Zach and I said Ben would be in, and Cody said James would be in, and I don’t remember how but somehow Aimee was accounted for. The only other person left was James. My thinking, which both Zach and Cody seemed to share, was that it was better to risk James being close to Sarah than to get him upset by leaving him out.

Throughout the whole thing, Najwah seemed to have an abnormally high degree of caution and concern. She really wants to feel people out first before she does anything, which I don’t think is possible all the time. What if James is talking to Sarah? What if Sarah has an idol? What if the other four have an alliance? Not sure if it’s just me but she seemed to be doing a lot of what if’s, all valid ones but just a lot. She raised some other concern to me in a private chat and I answered her something along the lines of, it’s good to look before you leap but nothing is a sure thing and we have to take a few risks and be ok with not being certain. Well anyway, the larger group chat gets made. But as I’m making the conversation, the talk in the idol hunt chat, that is, the foursome that was just planning the Sarah vote, switches to what people are finding in the idol search. Now, this is a good thing. We did want to compare notes on that so we at least know where not to go. But not at that moment. Because when I started the larger group chat with James, Ben and Aimee, they of course wanted to know what the plan was. This left me all alone to ask them how they felt about Sarah as a target. I really could’ve used backup from Najwah, Zach and Cody in that moment, but instead they were talking about coins and advantages. Again, that’s a good thing, but in that moment, to the other three it almost looked like I unilaterally decided that. It looks like I got everybody together completely on my own and said, hey everybody, here’s what I decided we’re going to do.

Now, from my perspective Sarah was completely my idea, but that’s only my side of the story and I don’t know what other people were saying, and I have no wish to appear to be a dictator. Fortunately for me no one seemed to talk to Sarah at all. The consensus was her contact was brief and spotty and she was away too often to have built any meaningful connections anywhere. So it looks like it will work out and be easy again. Well, at least that’s what it looks like to me. We’ll see. The other good news is that we do have an idol task force. I found out the jacket is a 10% advantage in a challenge; good to know. Also the jewelry box was taken. No word on who took it, but that costs 20 coins. A theory I saw discussed was that someone shared coins or else Amy bequeathed at least five of them upon her exit. I don’t see that as being likely.

There’s got to be at least one more source of coins besides the two known to the group. Seems like we’ve been looking and coming up empty an awful lot. Not sure how candid the group members are being but at least we have an open line of communication about this. I was very annoyed because I felt abandoned by them to deal with the other three but that wasn’t done on purpose, and having this search party is a very good thing. At the very least we can help each other avoid disadvantages. Also, after we talked about Sarah, Aimee messaged me privately, saying she was leaning that way too, and we talked for a little bit. She seems to be talking in these little bursts to most everyone but at least it’s a relationship with potential to be built up further. So to me it looks like we’ve got an agreement and it’s Sarah and it was fairly easy. Of course, they could flip on me, and there’s an off a lot of time before tribal tomorrow, but like I just told Najwah, nothing is certain and we won’t always have every bit of the facts when we make a decision. All I can do is talk to folks, make a plan, and see what happens.

Aimee

Najwah just messaged me saying “So what do you guys want to do?” Except she just sent that message to me. Individually. “Guys,” plural, with an “s.” 👀👀👀👀

Zack M

im going to feel like an asshole tomorrow if i'm not blindsided and the plan goes the way we want it to. i've had a beautiful conversation with najwah tonight and i hope she doesn't think it was all for the game tomorrow when we vote her number 1 (leanne) out. najwah if you're reading this, i'm so sorry. this is a cruel game. i've loved every minute of getting to know you and our conversations! you're an awesome person and i hope you don't hold anything i may do to you against me. i would absolutely love to stay friends with her outside of this game. i just needed to put this in writing before i possibly hurt feelings tomorrow. again, she did call me the leader of the tribe. i would get rid of me if i was them so like anything is possible. 

Pedro A

today im going to talk with alan, kalle and olivia

Sarah

Well, the general consensus is to vote me out tonight at tribal because I haven’t been as available this week which is TRUE since I haven’t had service much on my vacation. Leanne threw my name out and everyone “agreed” I was an easy vote. I am trusting my alliance of 5 in Jess (Zack, Ben, Cody, James) and we are voting Leanne. I do have an idol BUT I definitely do not want to play it tonight. Right now, I trust my alliance but if things get suspicious or Cody tells me that Zack or Ben have flipped I will play my idol tonight. To be continued.... 

Ryan

That stupid idol hunt and the disadvantage is gonna get me kicked out I just know it. F#*k me.

Olivia A

The first vote went smoothly! Except for the fact that Tyler voted for me. My only worry is that he might’ve discussed/decided that vote with someone else. I’m not too worried though because I still feel really solid with the people I’m aligned with.

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJd1QSw04ak&feature=youtu.be

John B

Thanks to Maddison we won another challenge and honestly bless because I really don’t know who would have gone next. I found out Ryan got a disadvantage for the tribe while idol hunting and I know, Olivia knows, and I’m probably gonna mention it to Grae and Kalle that Olivia told me. Right now I think if we had to go to tribal it might be Alan or Ryan but I honestly have no clue. Alan has the idol which is a good reason to boot them, and if I can get rid of Ryan that will break up the outsiders alliance. The challenge had me scream laughing because I think Kalle and I share a brain. Literally all of our clues were vines and we shared them at the exact same time. I would love to get an alliance going with Kalle Madison Grae and Olivia, I’m just worried Maddison and Grae will get weirded out to have an alliance outside of the core four without Pedro. If it happens I will have Kalle start it up so I don’t look sus. I am v curious to see what the other tribe does for the next vote seeing as the last one was unanimous. Honestly they kind of scare me.

James Hayden

It's two hours before tribal and neither Leanne or Naj have messaged the group to confirm that Sarah's going home. Either they are over confident in their plan and feel no need to confirm or they are planning something else. I'm praying to the Survivor ORG gods it's the first one!!

Cody A

I have bonded with Naj so much these last couple of days. I feel like a horrible person for leaving her out of the Leanne vote, but perhaps I’m the one being left out of a different plan 🤷🏼‍♂️ This game is exhausting 😂

Ben Kessler

Here's my worry: Survivor is not a numbers game, it is a people game. And the people on my tribe are crazy, but I like crazy. I work with crazy. Leanne, Naj, and Aimee are hopefully on the outs. Leanne will hopefully be eliminated tonight. I fear an expansion at 15 and if this happens I will need to throw my tribe under the bus in order to fit in...slowly, subtly, and methodically. The other tribe is not battle tested and neither are we, so my new objective is to ensure that I am under the radar while speaking enough to have my voice in any group. Leanne is most likely of those 3 have an idol, but I would not be surprised if somebody in my alliance had the idol as well. Either way, as long as I survive I am happy. Najwah The last time I wrote a confession, I was having a really horrible day. I was ready to quit but I think after some rest and a good venting session, my head is back in the game.

Leanne, Cody, Zack and I have solidified our alliance. I hope. I thought people would want to vote me out because I haven't been participating and I wouldn't be offended or surprised if they do. Tribal tonight is going to be interesting. Someone has an idol. Or SOMETHING. The jewelery box is missing. I love Cody but I don't know why I suspect he has something to do with it. I have a feeling in my gut. Don't know whether he is double crossing us. Also, Zack said he'd stay on the mountain and then he told us he bought a jacket in the market place. Is my alliance actually working to get me out and blindside me? Lmao I wouldn't be surprised AT ALL. we are all survivor superfans. We all know how the game works. Convincing everyone to vote Sarah was WAY too easy last night. Sarah also seems wayyyyy too comfortable. She doesn't bother talking to people much or she's playing a really excellent low key game. Either way, I commend her and whatever she's up to. I don't know what I think of Ben and James yet They're way too chilled and seem to go with the flow but I know they have their own flow. And they are working together on something. I hope tonight's vote is as easy as people think, even though my gut is screaming that we are in for some huge surprise. 

Sarah

Well, the general consensus is to vote me out tonight at tribal because I haven’t been as available this week which is TRUE since I haven’t had service much on my vacation. Leanne threw my name out and everyone “agreed” I was an easy vote. I am trusting my alliance of 5 in Jess (Zack, Ben, Cody, James) and we are voting Leanne. I do have an idol BUT I definitely do not want to play it tonight. Right now, I trust my alliance but if things get suspicious or Cody tells me that Zack or Ben have flipped I will play my idol tonight. To be continued.... 

Maddison

 Fell out of a tree idol hunting this morning. Big win out here in Tierra del Fuego for Maddison! 

james hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npTEWU0Hv5s

Zack M

we are about to go into another tribal to vote someone out and i'm so irritated right now. the plan is to vote out leanne because she may have an idol but she hasn't done anything all day long. najwah is literally messaging EVERYONE but is too scared to throw out a name. she wants to make big moves but can't and needs someone to do it for her. this scares me more than leanne because i'm close with her. ben and i have a trio chat with her. we could easily swoop in and say omg i'm so sorry after and make things ok if there is a tribe swap. leaving najwah gives cody the upper hand. i need the control. speaking of cody. cody and sarah have already early voted. i'm sorry but this just should not be allowed. this game is taking up a lot of time but welcome to survivor. we're all tired and don't want to be doing this on a saturday but here i am. i swear my team keeps losing because none of them are giving 100% like i am. tyler should have been on this tribe and i should have been on the other. 

the only person i feel safe with right now is ben. james is a close second. 

fingers crossed i don't get blindsided.

Grae G

Hello ok!! So I’m currently on good ground w everyone in the game but I want to solidify bonds w kalle Olivia and Maddison. I feel these people really trust me so I want to make sure they trust me. It’s become clear to me that every person in the game feels closest to John. He’s telling everyone different info and I’ve caught him in several lies- I’m not sure what I want to do about it yet. But as soon as I see an opportunity I’m gunning for him. But if I can’t swing it then maybe Ryan as an easy next vote bc he admitted to me he got us the disadvantage lol.

[violetsystems]

#personal

Like most vacations since last year, I don’t really do much of anything exciting.  The entire last year I took a week off every two months.  Part of it I stayed home cleaning and decluttering my stuff.  I’ve been living in the same place for about a decade now.  Every year there’s something new to conquer.  Lately it’s mostly been about enjoying my time alone here.  I literally cannot leave the house without someone trying to hijack my time.  I wish I could explain it better but it just comes with the territory.  Some people become famous.  Other people become this sort of fixture or anchor.  In some ways I’ve thought of it as developing an infrastructure or ecosystem around me.  How I spend money.  Where I spend money.  What personal information I share.  What I keep to myself.  There’s a lot of life I have to declutter outside of my apartment on a daily basis.  A friend from China messaged me yesterday to vent about being quarantined.  The banks were closed until Monday.  There’s a lot of people trying to get a read off of me for any number of current events.  Politics lately I have tuned out from completely.  Mostly for my own peace of mind.  Sometimes for my own safety.  Too many people have gotten the wrong idea about things I’ve done particularly when it comes to the arts.  I find nobody ever really asks you if you are cool with any of it.  You just end up in public in a vulnerable space and someone is there to manipulate it.  It doesn’t help I walk everywhere.  You can see me coming from a mile away literally.  Which means that sometimes I don’t really like leaving my house at all in Chicago.  Especially after so many years of people pulling these sort of art pranks on me to get me to ‘engage.’  I spent years trying to engage society.  I spent money on thirteen or fourteen plane tickets to South Korea, Japan and China.  I volunteered for a Korean American Chamber of Commerce three years in a row after work.  Years later Im a fragment of my deeds warped by whatever dark matter forces are at work in Capitalist America.  When people who barely know me insinuate I don’t do enough for the cause I respond mostly with a yawn.  I am literally too tired to focus or argue on explaining why I disengaged from everything and everyone.  I didn’t shut myself out completely.  It’s a tenuous balance of being hyper alone behind closed doors and hyper visible when I walk out to check my mail.  Being famous to me was always described like this though it seemed it had a payoff.  I’ve seen literally nothing other than my salary which last time I checked is about actual work and not fame.  So many people leech off my name but have never reached out to see if I was ok.  And I’ve largely been ok by forgetting about all of it and walking the hell away from the discourse.  Like constantly attending a lecture about your own life without any q and a.  What am I supposed to do?  Sit in the audience and blow snot bubbles while you get every single fact and intention wrong about what I’ve done my whole life.  I’d rather sit at home and play Hearthstone while I intercept my pet’s food deliveries for the month.  GPS is magic.  So is waiting outside for your packages.

I’ve had to come up with elegant solutions to real world problems.  Social engineering when applied to your own life can fix a lot of unfixable shit with other people.  Society is rubber banded together with money most of the time in America.  People try to guilt you into community all the time.  But the rate of return varies wildly on the quality of people you surround yourself with.  There are people out here I can only rely on to a certain point.  And then there’s me who isn’t ever interested in giving up the control I worked very hard to achieve in my life.  I wake up in my surroundings every day.  I pay the bills.  I feed the cats.  I sit at the kitchen table and drink amazing coffee while I play online games at my kitchen table.  When I go to New York it’s much of the same except in public.  There’s a reason why I don’t do that much in Chicago anymore.  It gets abused.  The return on me leaving my house and being vulnerable has been zero.  I still sit here in complete obscurity while people debate my social value behind my back.  A few of my friends on here know the entirety of the charade.  And it probably starts to sound to all of us like a dystopian horror novel unraveling.   I shaved my head again.  Some people might think that’s drastic.  The truth is my hair now matches my passport.  It’s a weird sort of collision of nostalgia for me.  People keep referencing multiple decades of how they know me.  Different versions of how I’m important to society.  All of them nothing to do with me currently.  I feel like nobody really knows who I am except me.  And in some ways I’ve matured enough to be ok with all of that.  Including the part where I tell people to silently fuck off and do my own thing.  The simple truth is I’m not intimidated by anything anymore.  I’m bored with all the talk.  I’m bored with all the simulation and theory.  I’ve lived my life and I’m sick of having to question it to enjoy it.  Some people make hard choices.  For years everything sucked.  And now I sit in my fish bowl every morning counting my blessings and planning my spending.  I read the news and it makes less and less sense to me.  Subtle things mean more to me.  Like how I used to want to compost and never could find a worm.  Somehow magically I found one wiggling through my window garden.  Now I have a whole worm army.  I fed an outdoor cat for years and now it sleeps quietly at my side at night.  I feel more isolated by humanity than nature.  Which is a really fucked up thing to realize when the planet is overrun by human greed.  People look for signs in other places.  Soothsayers tell you whatever you want to hear in whatever way suits them.  Nature speaks in different ways.  I don’t particularly identify as a druid.  Christians call me a witch when I randomly crash their protests outside of planned parenthood.  I’m more of a warlock at the end of the day.  Locking myself out of all this bullshit once and for all.  One mandatory social quarantine at a time.

It’s not that I fear society and what it can do to me.  I’m way past that.  The matrix said it best.  Humanity is it’s own virus wreaking havoc on ecosystems because it can’t control itself.  Everybody needs more.  Nobody knows what they want.  Nobody has to courage to stand their ground and wait in protest. I sometimes wonder whether I’m going to rot away here alone.  I visit New York too much for that to be a reality.  And so the less I question myself the better. There’s no shortage of people fishing for information out of me.  I’ve written it all here for years with little or no hesitation and people still don’t get it.  They don’t want to get it.  They don’t want to let me be me.  They want to attach year after year to me to weigh me down.  Every year they weren’t there shows even worse these days.  I’m not the one being difficult.  I literally deal with irresponsible bullshit every day in every corner of my life.  At a certain point, I treat everything like I treat alcohol.  I walked away from it completely.  I didn’t seek help.  I helped myself.  Sometimes the minimalism of isolation is getting yourself back to zero.  Restoring balance to the force within.  I am moderately comfortable in my own skin.  Sometimes I’m not.  I spend a lot of time in my kitchen doing pilates and yoga in an app.  I used to over exercise.  Like I was fighting against all the chaos in my life.  Things have kind of settled down to a more efficient clip.  Yesterday I spent most of the day waiting for packages at home.  I got a lot of laundry done.  I relaxed and enjoyed my coffee.  I got ready for New York without having to struggle with my messenger bag and the bus.  Everybody is the first to point at me when it comes to supporting these brands.  How I as the consumer become the target to teach a lesson.  I lost my car over a decade ago.  I paid the entire thing off.  I had to leave it with my ex-girlfriend to get her out of my life completely.  It was nowhere near fair.  I still get robocalls about my car’s extended warranty.  And yet here I am using the bus and the train.  Gas prices don’t register to me.  My driver’s license is expired.  My head is also shaved in that one.  Somethings have changed.  Other things have not.  Nobody gives me the respect I deserve.  Nobody knows what I’ve been through and never acted like they cared enough to find out.  So here I am done with most of it.  Burnt out on everyone’s best intentions and empty words.  It’s just me out here really at the end of the day.  The confusing and sad thing is that this is for the best right now.  That as much as things are crumbling around me I’m still always standing my ground.  Sipping good coffee in my kitchen or in Brooklyn looking out at the street knowingly.  It doesn’t really matter what I do these days.  I just have to keep being me.  Only I know how to do that.  You can either enjoy and respect that.  Or you can know how it feels to be forgotten about.  Because I’ve got way too much trouble on my mind to bring any more baggage into my next life.  The one where I’m happy and loved by someone who deserves my attention.   That’s the one I’m currently living.  <3 Tim

[boyjadzia]

omg sara @shinelikeastarlight tagged me to do this super long tag game hlep

tagging: @void-for-president, @the-alexandrian-alchemist, @starboysisko, @magnmite, @yacobeanreign (of course only if y’all want)

last text sent: "cool [thumbs up emoji]”

list three favourite colours: ???? don’t do this to me

what time did u wake up at today: 11am, it’s reading period don’t judge me what were u doing last night at midnight: playing drunk rock band name something you can’t wait for: this godforsaken quarter to be over when was the last time u saw ur mother: over winter break/new year’s one thing u wish u could change abt ur life: the crippling depression/abandonment issues are getting kinda old, I’d like to feel like I have a stable community/family who love and support me whats getting on ur nerves rn: the discourse favourite tv shows: star trek (all of them but esp DS9), idk I’m sort of obsessed with yuri on ice at the moment, those two are the main ones tbh? first best friend: my girl India who doesn’t have a tumblr but we’ve been best friends since we met on the playground at age 5. our moms are also tight. listening to rn: nothing, the sound of my laptop fan straining to keep my computer from bursting into flame

3 fears: never having a group of people I feel I can call family, never being in love, cavities

4 turn ons: self-awareness/humility, being sensitive about & respectful of my dysphoria, trust/willingness to be vulnerable, being honest & vocal about what you like 4 turn offs: being boring, being insensitive/distant, not being conscientious about how you interact with my body (i.e. assuming you can just treat my body the same way you’d treat a woman’s body and that’s a-ok), heterosexuality of any kind sexual orientation: gay tbh senior year quote in my year book: oh god some generic hillary clinton quote about feminism I don’t even wanna remember it first thing i notice in a person: ?? what they look like? shoe size: 7M/9W (US) eye colour: hazel hair colour: brown favourite item of clothing: probably my leather jacket, close runners up are my high-waisted black jeans that look good with pretty much anything and my crop top that says “I got to second base at Jonah’s bar mitzvah, January 7th 1978″ what colour of underwear i’m wearing rn: blue/brown/white stripes favourite season: whichever one has like 60-70F weather, used to be summer but now that’s spring lol how much time i spent on designing my blog: not much I just picked a theme the reason i joined tumblr: this is pretty sad but... I wanted to make friends do i ever get “good morning” or “goodnight” texts: only if I’m like talking to someone right before going to bed when did i last hold hands: don’t remember how long does it take me to get ready in the morning: depends, anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour have i shaved my legs in the past 3 days: LMAO try the last 4 years where am i rn: on my couch do i like music loud or at a reasonable level: reasonable, loud noises are scary 3 things i love: my friends, dogs, idk earth? how i feel rn: I need to gtf to sleep lol something i rlly, rlly want: to feel like I don’t have to radically change my body to be attractive to the people I want to attract 3 things that upset me: feeling like I’m hurting or burdening other people, straight men trying to hit on me, the persistent feeling that being transmasc somehow makes me a bad person what i find attractive in other ppl: appreciating subjects other than your field of study, confidence, ambition, someone who’s accomplished interesting things in their life, being friendly, genuine & not condescending 3 habits i have: staying in bed all day on days when I don’t have to do anything, only eating part of my lunch during lunch time and eating the rest for dinner, carrying off ridiculous amounts of free food from events something i fantasize abt: feeling comfortable and secure in my attractiveness vis a vis how my body looks, and in my presence in gendered spaces something im talented at: singing, memorization, embarrassing myself the blog i give the most notes to: idk, probably sara tbh last person re-blogged sth from me: I haven’t checked my notifications in a while o_0 do  i smoke/drink: I drink with friends my favourite food: I’m a big fan of things with cheese in them. also guacamole. my favourite dessert: it really depends ugh I guess cake? what i did yesterday: had my last day of classes, went to work, went to an award ceremony/opening gala for an integrated DNA technologies sponsored exhibit at the field museum (it was so fancy I felt so grown up and fancy), went to kat’s birthday party number of kids i want: ???? number of siblings i have: none something thats constantly on my mind: trangst (trans angst)

last person i messaged on tumblr: teddy (void-for-president) can i drive: nope :/ what state or part of the world do i live in: Chicago, from Brooklyn am i in school: 3rd year undergrad do i get grossed out easily: not generally, but certain specific things will do it (ex. dead animals especially FISH) somewhere i would like to visit for a week: hm maybe go back and see Alaska again? check on that mountain biking trail I helped build in 10th grade i’ll love u if: make an effort to spend your free time with me/take the initiative in telling me that you value my being in your life last show i binge-watched: I binged legend of korra over winter break, probably that what words upset me the most: idk I guess people telling me I’m wrong for existing in the spaces that I occupy? what words make me feel best abt myself: when people tell me they value having me in their lives and that I make them feel good about themselves a wish that i’ve wished for repeatedly on 11:11: that’s not a thing that I do :/ who i would switch lives with for a day: idk maybe someone who’s already gone on T and sings just so I could get a sense of what the voice change is like for a singer? or like. a famous celebrity or something. my favourite ice cream: green tea I think? allergies: minor allergy to raw eggplant I think, every time I eat undercooked eggplant my mouth starts to feel like it’s swelling up, not like my throat is being blocked off but just my mouth starts to hurt quite noticeably sexiest person to come to mind immediately: alskdjfsldk this is really hard uhh uhhh ok see my first thought is like star trek characters but I can’t say that ok let’s go with john boyega he’s gorgeous and seems like a ray of sunshine my childhood career choice: biologist! one of my insecurities: that being transmasc nonbinary and still participating in some women’s spaces/not letting go of some aspects of womanhood makes me a bad person and specifically is harming transfeminine people how many blogs am i following: just over 100 I think how many tabs/different windows do i have open at this very moment: 2 windows, this is the only tab open in this window because my internet sucks and tumblr is a monster website, the other window has 13 tabs coke or pepsi: not super into either, I guess coke although my aunt used to work for pepsi so I should be loyal tea or coffee: tea movie or book: movie probably, I don’t actually read that much it’s embarrassing, although frankly I don’t really watch movies that much either a sense i would be willing to lose: none omg! I guess if I had to pick taste? since taste is mostly smell anyway quote i live by: I don’t really? type of accessory i wear the most: does the leather jacket count? otherwise none last awkward situation i found myself in: I kept trying to pet eva’s dog today but I just ended up scaring her what time is it rn: way too late

a song that made me cry: hallelujah by leonard cohen, not actually, just like made me v emotional (yes I’m thinking abt that yiddish cover) first song u ever sang at karaoke: are we talking like legit karaoke at a karaoke place or like hanging out in my best friend from middle school’s basement singing along with her CD of karaoke tracks for the hottest hits of the mid-2000s bc I don’t remember the former but the latter was definitely sk8r boi

[kitdrago]

The end or the beginning

Ill be getting back to my multi part op-ed about my opinion of “KEK” soon.  For today, I am living on the brink between a sadness that a significant part of my life has (kinda of) ended, and the optimism of a future where I can focus a little more on other priorities, like FurtheMore. 

Last night, after yet another round of vitriol, hatred, and comments designed to make me feel like shit and a complete failure...  the camels back broke.   Irime and myself both stepped down from being moderators in the MDfurs telegram chat.

This has NO EFFECT whatsoever on FurtheMore.  I will still be running that and trying to have fun and make a fun event for everyone.  I just... need space.

Now FIRST:  Irime has done as much if not more work than I in helping to keep things moving in MDFurs.  However, furries (humans) have a tendency to lump everything onto one person.  Kinda like how everyone lumps the success or failure of our government on the President and completely ignores the fact that really all the power of change is congress.   Irime did a tremendous amount though, and people just glossed over the fact that she was also resigning.  Which is partly my fault...  I should have taken a breath, and held my toungue for 24 hours to let her go first.  Sadly, my emotions got the best of me and I typed before my arms reacted by throwing my laptop across the room. 

So thank you Irime.  Thank you for being the leader that started the idea of bringing all the MDFurs fractured groups together under one banner.  Thank you for letting me be your foot soldier while you stood behind me and supported everything.  THANK YOU for allowing me to be the instrument of your love for the furries in this area.  I’m sorry they couldnt see you behind me, and I’m sorry that it resulted in you getting very little appreciation for what you do.

Second, were not going away.  We will still be around the chat, Im still functioning as “IT” to run the website, and for the time being to keep the MDfurs chat open because telegram has no way to transfer ownership.   We will also be going to meets and trying to have fun with everyone.  At least until I get shipped out to a new location outside of Maryland.  We've made a lot of great friends and acquaintances and we would rather not lose those.  The problem is, and the reason why we stepped down, is because we no longer have the spoons to deal with running the chat group along with everything else we do.  I have school, applications to the physician assistant program, three jobs, and Furthemore to worry about.  She has her job, crafting, and one of the hardest jobs in FurtheMore.  Never mind the other conventions I volunteer as staff for.

We also simply have run out of the emotional stamina to deal with the small groups of people that have decided that someone is a shitty person and shouldn't be in the group at all... let alone give them a chance to contribute.  Usually this involves a single person as a quarterback with a team of players around them ready to tackle anyone who disagrees.   Of course, theres an opposing team.

In 25 years of running online communities, I have only ever seen this level of political/personal discourse in a group one time.  Every other time, yeah... there was people who disliked each other, but they still worked together to make the group better because the group was more important than their personal vendettas.

So my view of what has been happening is like refereeing a football game.  No matter what decision you make, half of the stadium loves you, and half of the stadium hates you.  Eventually what happens is that both halves hate you because at some point in time you have made decisions against both teams, and so they all agree that youre a shitty referee because your impartial, unbiased, unemotionally affected decisions do not favor one side or the other.  (yeah I know the gif is wrestling, just go with it)

The mud and shit that starts flying from the bleachers at you starts small, but over time begins to be overwhelming.  You put on a rain jacket so it all slides off, but its one of those nylon jackets that stops it, but not completely.  So eventually some of it starts to seep in and make you feel like shit all over.  Finally, you reach a decision point where you have to decide if you are going to continue to stand there and let yourself get covered in shit while trying to make the best decisions possible, and you feel like you can do it.  Until that last few people.  They don't throw the shit,  they charge the field and run up to you and slam it in your face, rubbing it in while demanding that you not only smell and accept that shit, but that you will stand there and keep accepting that shit until you make a decision that appeases their wrath. Then it breaks... and you realize that you can turn away and walk calmly off the field, letting a new referee take over....  or you can let loose, and take all the shit thats piled up around you and cannon it back on everyone...  knowing that you'll not only hit the ones who probably deserve it, but also the ones that really don’t.

So you turn...  and walk way.  You can go into the box and be an instant replay ref, or just stop refereeing, but right then... at that moment, you just need to get off the field.

Thats what we felt like last night... and even as we walked off the field, some of the team fans tried to throw ropes and drag us back in... because after all... *we* started this shit, we weren’t allowed to just walk away.  A little tug on the rope, a little leak of the vomit that you were trying to hold in until you got off the field.  You're off...    it’s done... take a breath and figure out where to go from here.

So it’s sad.  After so much effort, and so much time put into things, we have to step away.  We have to step back and do whats important and healthy for us.  Theres hope though, theres optimism that we can still be around to participate.  Hell, Ill even give advice from my experience and such to those stepping up to the line to transition into a new future.   We still want to see the MDFurs community to succeed.  WE still want to see everyone statewide be able to work together and have great events.  Sure, MOST of the time people aren't going to go from eastern shores to attend a western Maryland event.  It doesn't matter.  What matters is being one community, by furries, for furries.   Regional distinctions are ok, just don't disconnect.  Dont remove yourself from the community because a few people get on your nerves. Live, love grow. We will still be around the area for at least a year, potentially up to three years.  I only hope that in 10 years or so when I am done with the military that I can come back and find a thriving, caring, cohesive community of furries still going strong. and come to Mid-Atlantic Fur-B-Que...  we feed you... lots! https://midanthro.regfox.com/fur-b-que-2017-you-autmn-rock-it    of course, come to FurtheMore, I still want to make that the regions best furry convention, and I need everyones involvement to do it, attendees and staff.  See you out there!