#modern anxiety

[triptomyheart]

modern anxiety (le vie moderne)

[krow-draws]

Im obsessed with her 🫵🫵🫵🫵💥💥💥💥💥

[enden-k]

getting jealous, study dates and accidental kisses in the summer rain 💚

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

growing up with a perpetually anxious primary caregiver is such a mindfuck. that shit will rewire your nervous system

[cod-dump]

Teen!Ghost: *sneaking into the house late at night*

Price turning on the light in the hallway as soon as the front door closes: You’re past curfew

Teen!Ghost: *shrieks*

Price: I have been worried SICK

Teen!Ghost: I- It’s 10:00! You said the latest I could stay out on weekends was 10:00!

Price: It’s 10:08!

Teen!Ghost: Wow- Eight minutes? You’re going to get mad over eight minutes?!

Price: How many scenarios could you come up with if I was eight minutes late to anything and you didn’t know where I was?

Teen!Ghost:

Price: Go to bed, you’re grounded

[gothmayoi]

anyone else feel like in the ikemen series games the mc is always too positive? not in a bad way, just in a "damn if this were me i would've killed myself by now" way

[thebookbutterfly]

König would curb-stomp someone for disrespecting you, but is also too nervous to ask for extra ketchup at restaurants.

[konigsblog]

i had a headcannon that könig picks and chews at his lips to distract himself (totally not projecting :')...) from the judgemental and disgusted glares he receives from those around him.

it's a habit that started when he was around seven years old, in primary school and feeling socially anxious in almost every situation he was placed in. as a result of his anxiety, he began to chew at his lips and cheeks to distract himself, keeping his hands busy to pick at his lips until they bled.

he never grew out of it, it felt almost comforting to distract himself, to fiddle with his fingers while biting his lips until his sharp, pearly teeth pierced through the delicate, soft skin, replacing it with scars that never faded after years. eventually, it caused faint but noticeable scars from his constant picking, a nonstop and constant stress reliever for könig, who'd find himself chewing the inside of his cheek until it bled and became painful.

he carries around chapstick to keep his lips soft for his significant other. who knows, perhaps you could allow him to distract himself by using his hands on your soft body, more specifically, between your thighs..? :3

[beepmeowiskarkat]

Convention conundrum

[mewtwo24]

I finally finished reading the fourth volume of svsss in full, and thing is--the first time through I only read the bingqiu content because I was ravenous for more of their happy ending.

Turns out that was a perilous mistake.

Because I started reading the airplane extras. And I swear to god. MXTX is trying to kill me

What do you MEAN demon lord Binghe was sitting on his big fucking throne. All stoic and forbidding. Surrounded by his demon generals who don't know shit about human courtship. Asking them what he should do, fully demoralized by constant rejections from sqq, only to have airplane tell him to act more pathetic and needy. Which is already hysterically funny and insane, UNTIL LBH'S RESPONSE IS THIS, KILLING ME INSTANTLY:

LUO BINGHE. WHY DOES HE SAY IT LIKE: "I already tried that, didn't work--nothing works :/ not mean, not maidenly, not housewife, not spicy, not capable disciple. Is doubling down on clingy really all it will take? What's a born hater with only one love in his life to do????"

The dichotomy of him sitting there like 'how can I reach the unfathomable depths of shizun's heart?' A HEART HE'S ALREADY WON OVER, MIND and then in the Holy Mausoleum solving the puzzle without blinking and being like 'oh yeah you just have to hit the acupoints, no sweat.' Literally the comedy writes itself I'm so--

How am I supposed to be normal about this. MXTX understands the juicy quintessential queer joy of a person with the world's power at their fingertips wishing only for love. Willing to do anything to earn that love, when unbeknownst to them it's already been freely given. Totally not screaming and yelling and clawing at the walls

And that's not even touching airplane's uproarious account of events. The way he's like 'lol what's next, lbh and sqq are best friends now? smfh' only to see lbh TACKLE SQQ LOVINGLY. FOR SQQ TO BE BASHFUL ABOUT IT BUT SO SO FOND OF THE LITTLE SCAMP. This when we've been experiencing sqq's constant inner monologue of 'I'm so cool and so dignified about my role, truly the epitome of propriety and poser-level fortitude.' Meanwhile, in their universe:

Airplane constantly flaming???? Sqq and lbh in his observations????? His absolute bewilderment and confusion????? Legendary. No notes every single second of this shit was hilarious.

Airplane's comment that sqq + older adolescent lbh traveling together was just watching a couple in their honeymoon phase. OR the fact that lbh is exceedingly petty and refuses to share their food in the wake of airplane's interruption of their time together, until sqq relents sheepishly and insists airplane eat what's left (ONLY AFTER PLACATING LBH WITH MORE FOOD FROM HIS PLATE, SOBBING)

Watching airplane salivate over Mobei-Jun and acting like that's totally normal behavior. Finding out mbj and airplane got together first. Finding out sqq encouraged airplane. LIKE THIS. WHILE HE IS STILL IN DENIAL ABOUT HIS OWN FEELINGS:

Mobei-jun clearly thinking their arrangement is a forever thing, heartbroken his human abandoned him with all the hapless fury of a scorned wife swept away by false promises of fidelity. Airplane writing demons to be the type to beat up their crush lovingly and still unable to connect the dots about mbj's feelings. Mbj letting him go and respecting his wishes, only relenting when there's indication airplane was poorly processing his own feelings and didn't actually want to leave. Mbj caring for him and listening to him as soon as airplane voices what he needs directly and with clarity. None of these gays are functional and it's everything to me

Unrelated, but I physically can't hold this information in anymore:

I'm still reeling from younger lbh having his sexual awakening from the image of sqq wrapped in the immortal binding cables. Condemn me as you like he was so, so real for that.

And no I will not be taking any comments about how luo bingge couldn't bear to see luo binghe cherished in ways he never got to have and all the haunting implications of that. I will also not be taking any comments about luo binghe's instinct to look for sqq in that alternate universe, only to be shaken to the very core to be unable to find his shizun anywhere. The unspeakable and latent horror of his relentless mind likely piecing together what happened, but unable to say it; to suspect what is true, and live with the harrowing confusion of his double's actions. To blame himself, to assume that he had let his anger get the better of him in that world and result in unspeakable folly...

I also refuse to talk about how heartrending it is to hear Tianlang-jun weakly say "In the end, I really can't bring myself to hate humans." The implication that the foolishness of that hope and bright-eyed fondness--the very thing that put him through such unspeakable agony--couldn't be beaten out of him entirely. To discover that his faith in Su Xiyan hadn't been misplaced, to the contrary: his beloved hadn't scorned him at all, but rather fought to the miserable end to protect the fruition of their genuine feelings of love when she couldn't protect tlj or herself.

How MXTX has sqq deliberately draw parallels between their situation and that of ygy+sj and tlj+sx; desperately wishing it might not be too late for them. The concept of breaking cycles of abuse and harm pervasive throughout the newly devised story, how it evolves for the better only when love takes the place of power, pride, and domination. How the moment sqq chooses vulnerability instead of saving face, the genre shifts to the so-called "cringe" girly genre where most if not every character is more fulfilled, more true to themselves. How the "male-oriented" former genre was aimlessly sensationalized and sexualized, how it was a sustained performance of aspirational toxic masculinity. How men objectify other men without end. All of the unspoken gendered implications that come with that.

Anyways. Going to go put my head in a sandbox and try to process everything I just witnessed because even a second reading is not enough to find a modicum of closure.

[onedivinemisfit]

Modern Marianne’s heading out for her date, wish her luck~

[temeyes]

POV: you wanna prove yourself to sgt. mactavish (half-assed spicy ver here!!!)

[gremlinmodetweeker]

König's Self Esteem

cw self esteem issues and mentions of ptsd

So, König wasn't always very proud of himself. In fact, very much the opposite.

Growing up, König was bullied relentlessly for every single aspect of his very being. Nothing was enough for his classmates. He was considered a freakish nerd. He was called fat and later skinny. Girls would pretend to ask him out and laugh in his face when he eagerly accepted. Boys would make fun of König for how he spent more time reading than playing sports. Nothing was enough.

When König was a teen, things changed. Suddenly, König was tall and strong. His soft jaw sharpened, his pitiful round eyes hardened. The wiry teen became a muscular young adult thanks to his plentiful hikes in the woods, as referenced in this post.

So with such a change in König, surely, his relationship with his self esteem must be mixed, no?

More under the cut.

König has two layers of his self esteem. He has the self esteem that his team knows him for, and then he has the softer side that you know of.

On the battlefield, he is brave and, quite frankly, arrogant. He believes in himself like no other. Whatever he sets his mind to, he can do. Nobody can get in his way. His enemies are like ants beneath his boots.

When he saves hostages, he has mixed feelings. On one hand, the hostages are usually terrified of him. He's a 6'10 Austrian man built like a mac truck. Covered in blood and heaving with heavy breaths, children usually start crying when they see him.

But then he saves them. Then, the hostages that teared up at the sight of him throw themselves at his feet. They thank him profusely and adore him for saving them. He's had children named after him simply because he saved a few pregnant women. He keeps in touch with the families, too, to make sure they're still safe.

Teammates adore him, too. Nobody can do what he can. He barrels through a door and tramples his enemies under boot and bullet alike. He's like a bull with how he bores down his enemies. When enemies hear that König is coming, some of them defect immediately rather than face the wrath of the King.

Horangi in particular adores König. He's by and far one of the best hostage extractors they have. He's strong, brutish, but efficient. He's also incredibly reliable on the field. König has carried injured soldiers for miles before to get them back to safety. Legends of König carrying three men over six miles still fly around the base.

So, with all this success, König gets a bit of a big head. He is confident in his abilities and his success. He is incredibly proud of how hard he's worked for what he's gotten. He earned his place here. He was hand picked by KorTac. He is desired. He's important. He is powerful, honourable, brave and true. He's a killing machine, he's a guardian angel. He's the King.

But when he's off the field, when he's away and home with you, he can't be that König. He can't be king of the battlefield when he's at home. He can't order you around like a new recruit, and he can't expect you to treat him like an angel of death for saving you from certain doom. Instead, you see König as what he hates about himself; König is just a mortal man.

He never had to grow beyond being a teenager when he worked. He never had to face what lay under his mask. Now, with you, he has to see what you see, regardless of if he wants to or not.

He was so used to cruelty and brutality, but you bring forth softness and gentle touches. He is scared by the vulnerability you bring out of him. He's not used to being treated with love and kindness like what you provide.

Sometimes, when he thinks he's home alone, you might find him staring himself down in a mirror, a haunted look reflected back. He seems lost when he looks at himself. Soon, he rips himself away, but he can't wipe away his tears before you see them.

He'll sometimes grab at his stomach and pull, looking down miserably. You might ask what's wrong, but he'll shake it off and pretend it's nothing.

The worst are the nightmares he wakes from. He has so many memories he wishes to forget. He's made so many mistakes, and it's cost so many lives. How dare he live when others better than him have been lost? He doesn't know what to do with himself.

He hurts, dear reader. He can put on a face of being brave, but he will always remember the cruelty of his peers. When he goes into public, he feels like everyone can see the evil things he's done on the battlefield.

Sometimes, he'll break, and he'll admit all these things to you. Then he needs your kindness, your soft words, your warm touch. He might not ever be whole again, but when you kiss him and hold him close, he feels like a piece of pottery being glued together with gold. One day, he promises this to you whenever he can, he'll be better. You might not believe him, but you love him regardless.

No giant can walk through hell unscathed.

[goldkirk]

hey this isn’t aimed at anyone in particular but I’m saying it for the record here: if I tell you no, please stop messaging me about fundraisers and mutual aid.

I get enough messages that it’s impossible for me to keep up without devoting at least half an hour each day, when I’m not even on tumblr that long most days. Me having a boundary about this isn’t a moral failing, it’s a lifeboat for me on my own blog.

In my personal life I’m already advocating and donating literally as much as I can spare. This is not me not caring, it’s just me not willing to interact with that on the one place I go online to not interact with irl news and world events for the most part.

I cannot be upset all the time. I cannot be upset everywhere. I cannot use all my emotional and mental energy fielding my own upset from ongoing events. My options are to hold boundaries about this or stop coming online at all.

I’m all for sharing information and signal boosting to reasonable extents, but the scale of it this year is so large and so enduring that it is literally not possible to for me to participate on every account I have. I’ve previously shared links to Gaza eSIM donations and a major hub of verified Go Fund Mes here and elsewhere online. We, the online humans, know how to look those things up ourselves by now. There are many, many people choosing to do advocacy work, and right now, I can’t be one of them.

If you’re extremely upset when I tell you I can’t share/donate right now about a Gaza family or personal fundraiser you ask me to share here, just unfollow and block me. That’s what those buttons are for. Protect your own emotions and energy and get me off your feed instead of staying upset and continuing to engage with online people or content that upsets you.

Please don’t send repeated angry messages based on manufactured purity politics and moral outrage into my messages and inbox when I exercise the right to run my own blog.

[temothylol]

its very funny to me that its called the fearless year of shadow. when he basically spends his titular game rocking back and forth on the floor trying to come to terms with the horrors (valid)

[finalgirlsamwinchester]

today's thoughts before passing out: the demon blood plot reading as a metaphoric fear of miscegenation, a result of classic Western tropes told through a Horror framework.

demon blood is a boundary crossing substance, invasive and transformative. Sam violated in the crib functions on one level as a rape metaphor, but its done so through demonic blood coming in to dilute his human blood. the violation then, comes in as a literal theft of identity. his body becomes the literal battleground between two forces - the domestic world of his family vs. the invading, monstrous outsider. Azazel snatches and preys on civilised children from the crib as a means of recruiting them to his tribe army, literally corrupting them on a bodily level, claiming them from their blood families as his own. and the more demon blood Sam drinks, the less 'human' he becomes (the less of his family's blood in him). Dean's anger over Ruby also ties into Sam's sexual relationship with her, of which the blood drinking is a component. the blood drinking is especially transgressive because it echoes deep-rooted settler colonial anxieties, expressed through the language of pop culture - fears over losing one's blood, family, and identity to a savage Other.

(4.04)

(4.21)

what got me started on this line of thinking was a recent rewatch of John Ford's The Searchers (1956), a movie so ingrained in the modern American cultural mythos that nearly every first year cinema studies course makes it required viewing lmao. it's a subversive Western, concerned with exploring the porous boundary dividing white settler communities from Native American communities, the defining line between the 'civilised'/'uncivilised', the colonial subject and the savage. it was released during an era when America was grappling with undoing laws around racial segregation, and reflects those anxieties through classic American mythology.

so. Sam is a modern interpretation of Martin and Debbie from that movie, and Dean is a modern variant on its leading anti-hero, Ethan Edwards (rather John is our initial Ethan figure, but we spend most of the show with Dean, who takes on his mantle). just to emphasise the connection between the show and this movie - Star Wars heavily references it, and Kripke's always been explicit about this show's two leads as Luke Skywalker and Han Solo. well, i'd argue this show definitely owes more to The Searchers than Star Wars does!

Martin is Ethan's adoptive nephew of partial Cherokee descent, made an outsider to his family, by his uncle, at the film's outset due to his blood. he joins his uncle on his revenge mission after a Comanche tribe destroys their home and steals his adoptive sister - Debbie. this mission becomes his coming-of-age journey into rugged frontier manhood, as much as it is his path towards integration into white, 'civilised' society.

the protagonist of the film is Ethan, a soldier who gets consumed by his seven year long, bloody, vengeance-fuelled quest to recover his niece. when he finds Debbie, however, to his dismay he discovers she's no longer the 'pure' innocent he remembers. upon finding out that she's married to the tribe's chief - he literally disowns her as his blood kin, and at one point, even tries to kill her. Martin becomes the one to save her from his uncle's shot and the one to convince her to return home. he later convinces Ethan to recommit to rescuing her, and he ends up doing so.

(15.17 - Sam over s4 functions as a Debbie figure, but Jack also takes up her role. Dean disowns him as Ethan disowns his niece)

over the movie, we see Ethan descend into ever increasing violence and 'wildness', grown closer to his enemy after years spent on the frontier, hunting them down. Martin gets to go home, his civilising mission completed as he marries into a white family. Ethan though, stands at the threshold in the iconic concluding shot below. he's been transformed by frontier violence to the point he no longer belongs to the domestic, civilised world. he wanders back out into the desert, alone.

(1.14)

anyways. Supernatural owes so much of its dna to the classic Western, and to this movie in particular. what The Searchers was to collective white American anxieties over desegregation in the late 50s, this show was to collective white American anxieties over multiculturalism at the new millenium, in the wake of 9/11. Sam's demon blood is a critical defining line between him and his brother, as Martin's mixed race status is the defining line between him and his uncle. 'monstrosity' on this show metaphorically stands in for savagery; one brother gets thrown out onto the frontier, a journey towards 'taming' his own nature. and another brother drifts further and further away from civilised society the longer he spends fighting at the frontier, protecting civilisation from its monsters. 'blood don't end with family' comes to a screeching halt when it addresses the prospect of monstrosity. what is demon blood standing in for on this show? what does a monster represent, truly? who gets to step over the threshold into civilised society, and what is the price of that acceptance?