#most likely bc they suck at handling their own feelings compared to putting others' in consideration

[daz4i]

it's so hard being a person who needs to be the best at everything when you are slightly below average at best at any given department

[meganechan05]

Nobody asked for it but I know many would appreciate it:

Love Spell but Rita learns nothing changed and gets Queer Panic щ(゜▽゜щ)

[thatbitchsimone]

I also love Angelica and think she's so great - there's another video on her youtube where she says people should only lose their virginity in their 20's - what do you think about this? I agree with her sentiment to an extent and I do think as a woman I was put into many situations that make me feel used now and I am sure this can negatively affect men as well.. I just kind of felt ashamed/worried after watching the video because she said that having sex very young can negatively set you up for life and I agree to an extent but I think there's more nuance to it than a 20 minute youtube video can express.. And also I think the problem more with me is I didn't know to express my boundaries or communicate and people took advantage of that sometimes.. and just how women are socialised etc etc

i was just gonna watch that video but it looks like shes deleted all of those videos (which sucks ass bc she had an amazing video about the tumblr nymphet community and its parallels to nambla and how it has negatively affected us that got seduced by that little subculture back in the mid 2010s) so unfortunately i cant answer this properly bc i dont have the full context and i dont have her arguments etc but i can still give some of my immidiate thoughts on it so here we go

i think losing ur virginity/wait with sex until ur in ur 20s is probably ideal tbh and i would absolutely encourage it for anyone who is in their teens rn and havent had their sexual debut yet. main reason being that u will be old enough to understand sex and its risks and effects and u will have had time to figure ur own body out more and u will most likely have at the very least basic level emotional intelligence and maturity that is required to have safe and healthy and enjoyable sex. like u have just finished puberty and just left teenagehood behind which is a messy and confusing and rough lifestage for all of us and ur now entering adulthood and have gained some perspective etc and u are way more in tune with urself (at the very least compared to when u were a teen) and both ur body and brain will be developed enough to be able to handle sex and have a realistic attitude around it and while ofc u can still be manipulated and u may still be somewhat naive it wont be anywhere near AS easy to manipulate u as it would have been earlier bc thats just how it is. u might still be vulnerable maybe sure but if ur vulnerable now u were even MORE vulnerable when u were a teen. its just how it is. thats how growing up works. u will probably have a way easier and more enjoyable sexual debut in ur 20s bc u will have a headstart in so many ways both physically and emotionally.

BUT im not gonna pretend like its that black and white and simple. Many girls (and boys but im focusing on women here) have perfectly normal and healthy sexual encounters when they are teenagers and i rly dont believe that sex will just automatically traumatize and harm u when ur a teen bc lets be real here, the key here is that u explore sex with UR PEERS, boys and girls within ur own age group, NOT ppl that are 20+ when u are like 14-16. when ur a high schooler and u want to explore sex u do it with other high schoolers. ppl ur own age. I think its perfectly fine and normal to have sex when ur a teen, but that is assuming u are having sex with other teens. NOT ppl that are like 5 years older than u. thats when actual impactful long lasting harm becomes highly likely. feeling like u got used and heartbroken by a boy in ur school aka a boy that is ur peer and ur own age will hurt and suck and will leave an impact on u but its a very different impact than the one u will be left with if u felt taken advantaged of by someone much older (not a teen). the dynamics are whats important here i think.

sex and relationships are messy and yes u can always get fucked up from it thats just how it is. u cant avoid it. u just need to be able to handle it and maybe ur not ready to handle it until ur like 25, thats fine. dont do it then. like if u dont think ur ready, just wait until u are. if ur like 15 and feel ready then go ahead but STICK TO PPL UR OWN AGE when ur that young. u gotta be equals. period.

[dreamhot]

Yeah that anon is based. I mainly listen to Rock/Punk music, so Dreams songs aren't really music I'll listen to on a casual basis (I've listened to most of them only once or twice after their releases because I love Dream and want to know what he's doing <3 /parasocial)

But I've Never felt the need to criticise his songs? Just because it's a genre I don't particularly enjoy? The few times I've heard them I was actaully very impressed by Dream's voice, he's clearly got a LOT of singing potential and is slowly finding his niche, im still surprised by his vocal range! I'd actually agree that he outshone Alec Benjamin in Change my Clothes by a lot, he really put his whole Dreaussy into that (sorry)

And obviously, aside from the straight up stupid "cc music is BAD" and "Dream sucks" takes, all the people starting compliments by first having to state how much they dislike Dream or a music genre are bottom of the barrel. I guess the idea that cringe culture is dead and other people are allowed to have different tastes has passed them by until now

yeah like. dream isn't a musician. this isn't his Thing. afaik his main drive for releasing music is that the songs provide an emotional/creative outlet - which is entirely fair! at least it feels somewhat genuine (compared to other influencers who release soulless music, presumably at the recommendation of a manager somewhere along the line - not in this fandom but ykwim)

i just can't handle backhanded support in these instances. it's similar to when people wanna defend the mcyt/dsmp fandom but preface their arguments with 'most of us hate dream anyway!!' like okay? do you want a medal? it's just ... never necessary to make it obvious how much you hate something if you're trying to defend it, bc you're undermining your own point. course it's also not necessary to endlessly crow about how much u hate something ANYWAY but . yknow how twitter can be sometimes

[erectionsandtea]

Poly party summer fun headcanons, part 2 ! 😀 (this got way too long so I’m posting it as it is, and if I get more ideas, or if you guys want to send me anything 😉, I’ll either reblog this post or make a new one.) Enjoy!

(part 1 can be found here)

Amusement park: (these are based on amusement parks I have been to since they're all I know, lol)

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

- they go early so they can do everything (twice) but they also stay until it gets dark bc El wants to see all the lights

- one of her favorite rides is the big ship that swings back and forth because it feels like flying

- Max, Lucas, and Dustin take El on her first roller coaster ride, and it's super scary but she also loves it (Robin and Nancy go, too)

Lucas and Dustin scream like little girls on the roller coaster and become the butt of many jokes about it (most of them from Max)

Max and Lucas would totally try to kiss for the roller coaster camera (idk why okay, stop me) but the photo would look absolutely ridiculous and Max’s hair is fuckin EvERYWHERE

El uses some of her money to buy a copy of the photo (she buys a copy of their photo from every ride, it's a lot of money, but the others help her out with it), and when she gets home, Will helps her make a collage of all the photos that she puts up in her room

- El also wants caricatures, but they don't have enough money for everyone (so she just gets one of herself). Will watches the artist, who gives him tips on how to do it so he can draw some for El later (and he totes does bc good brother vibes)

- they do the ferris wheel last bc it is super romantic (even more so at night), and everyone wants to go with everyone else. Max wants to go up every time someone else does bc she wants to try to spy on them, lol

Groups, in order from side to other side (sitting, not riding order):

for her very first time: Max/El/Mike (her two bffs, aka her bf and gf)

Mike/Will

Max/Lucas

Dustin/Suzie

El/Max/Lucas

El/Mike/Will

El/Mike

El/Max

the guy running the ferris wheel is just like “you kids again???” bc they keep just getting off the ride and going straight to the back of the line to go up again, but eventually they have to stop bc the park is literally about to close and they’ll be kicked out

- there's also a haunted house ride and El absolutely has to ride with Mike bc when she is scared or feels like she's in danger, he's always been the best at making her feel okay again. She clings to him throughout the ride, but ends up laughing at how cheesy not-scary most of the effects are.

- as exhilarating as the drop rides are, El doesn’t like going on them too much but she can do it like, once. maybe twice.

- Lucas and Max, and Dustin and Will, like that ride that’s like the ferris wheel except you’re in a cage and you can manipulate the cage (by spinning it and stuff) to take you upside down. Dustin and Max do it too much, like to an extreme, and Will and Lucas are like “stop, the world is literally spinning” and they’re very disoriented when they get off

- there’s a rapids ride, and since the rafts are big enough to hold 8 people, the whole party is able to go together in one, and then the teens can go together in another one. they totally get sprayed by bystanders. 

- there's a shooting game (like where you go through a tunnel on a track, and targets pop up and you shoot them)

Lucas is the best and El rides with him bc the best should introduce the newbie, and she has so much fun, it's nothing like the guns she's experienced in her previous (lab) life.

Max and Dustin fight really hard to be second best.

Mike and Will go together and compared to the others, they suck, but that's okay they have fun anyway, and they joke about their own terribleness.

- Dustin buys those deep-fried snacks (you know the ones I mean) and he is literally the only person in the group that likes them (okay, not true, Robin can handle them, too)

El, against the advice of the others, wants to try those snacks bc she’s never heard of anything like that before, and the first time she takes a bite, her face goes through a range of like 10 emotions bc she’s being assaulted by flavors-

but after she manages to swallow it, she’s like “wow, that was amazing” and the others are like “...you serious??”

Mike is just like “that is disgusting and I’m not kissing you after that lol” and El is just like “but...why?” (he totes does tho, he doesn’t give a f, he’s kissing his gf bc he just can’t resist the cuteness)

Nancy, even though she doesn’t necessarily like it, can totally handle taking a bite and finishing it (like that beer from season 1) and Robin is like “that’s impressive, band geek” and Nancy’s just like “I’m not in band” (idk lol)

- El wanting to try EVERY food but the others have to cut her off bc it’s so expensive and she will get so sick

- Mike being a good bf and holding souvenirs bought by his bf and gf (Will totally buying a sweet little something for his awesome mom) (El totally doing the same thing to remind herself of Hopper, but she keeps it in her room instead)

- Lucas also being a good bf for the same reason but complaining about it, lol

- everyone goes on the log ride (you might know it as the flume) bc there isn’t a person on earth who doesn’t like that ride, and even tho she knows about the impending splash, El is still super surprised when it happens

Groups, in order (front to back):

El, Mike, Max, and Lucas (Max is explaining to El over Mike’s shoulder that “you absolutely HAVE TO be in the front, it’s the best way”)

Suzie, Dustin, Steve, and Robin (irrelevant but don’t tell me Robin sits in front of Steve, there’s no fuckin way, she’s not his gf, also Steve and Dustin just have to sit together bruh)

Will, Dustin (bc obvsly he goes on again), Nancy, and Jonathan

Mike has his arms around El like he thinks he’s going to protect her from the huge spray of water (but his skinny arms won’t protect shit lol) and he somehow manages to make a decent photo come out of him kissing her cheek while she is simultaneously screaming (good screaming)

- everyone loves the bumper cars (Jonathan and Suzie hang back tho, to hold everyone’s stuff and cheer from the side)

Max, as the only one (sans teens) who has actually driven a car before, rides with El so she can teach her how to do it

her and Lucas (with his passenger Will) are automatically in competition with one another (”you’re going down!” “no, YOU’RE going down!”)

Robin, riding by herself, goes after Steve and driver Nancy (who’s surprisingly good at this)

and Dustin (passenger Mike) gangs up with Robin to take on Steve and Nancy, which makes Nancy even more determined now to destroy both of them

Steve’s a little afraid of Nancy when she’s like this, lol

eventually Dustin and Robin are like “okay okay, we’ll stop! jesuschrist, how did you get so good at this??” (but also they are just in total awe of Nancy) and they just go after each other instead

- El doesn’t like spinning rides (too dizzy and they totally make her tummy “feel weird, like there’s a storm in it” “uh oh, you’re nauseous, El” “naw-shus?” “yeah, like sick, here, sit down for a minute”), but Will loves them and he’s there for her

- the sky ride (the one that takes you from end of the park to the other), groups:

Mike and Will on one side, Max and El on the other (the seats are basically little cabins, seats for 4 people)

Lucas and Dustin on one side, Jonathan and Steve on the other

Robin on one side (she totally takes up the whole double space, putting her leg up), Nancy and Suzie on the other

- carousel ride! (during the day)

El wants the prettiest horse

Max gets the most badass thing which is like...a wolf??

Lucas and Dustin ride only bc there’s a game where you can try to throw rings into a hole while going around (they each get one in by pure luck but otherwise suck). they don’t really care what animals they get, they just need ones that move up and down. Dustin gets a cat with a fish in his mouth, and Lucas ends up just picking a rabbit before everything is taken and he doesn’t have a choice anymore. The others fuckin laugh at the image of Lucas riding a rabbit

Suzie gets another horse

Will gets a lion which doesn’t move up and down but he’s okay with that, he’s kinda just going bc everyone else is

Mike gets stuck with a horse bc he was at the back of the group and by the time he gets there, every other non-horse animal is taken (but they joke about how he should have gotten the non-moving giraffe, taken by Steve, bc it’s so tall and gangly like him lol)

Nancy gets a horse

Robin takes the wild boar bc “dude that is the most badass animal on a carousel I have ever seen!”

Jonathan stays behind, no matter how much the others beg, but he takes lots of really good pictures (including the one time Dustin gets the ring in the hole and then cheering, then also him and Lucas high-fiving, and the various couples exchanging really cute looks, and El having the best time ever bc she’s never been on one of these before)

they go on the carousel one more time near the end of the night and this time Jonathan gives in and rides with them, but he sits in one of the benches that’s just there for the parents), and he still takes pictures as best he can without getting up and moving

- photo booth photos! (I’ll leave the silly face ones up to your imagination)

El and Max (one super close hug with faces pressed together, one kiss, one silly faces, and one smiles)

Will and Mike, but Max and El totally burst in for like, the last 1.5 pictures, it doesn’t ruin them tho, Mike and Will just ignore them (one nice smiles bc they’re like “what do we do??”, one hug, one kiss being interrupted by the girls in the background, one candid laughing while the girls wave at the camera)

Will and Mike again (one candid of Mike holding the curtain shut to make sure no interruptions and Will laughing, one kiss (non-interrupted), one silly faces, one just being super cute and close together and leaning on each other)

Max and Lucas (one smiles, one kiss, one of her pretending to look tough by putting him in a headlock or putting a fist next to his face like a punch, one that was supposed to be funny faces but instead is her looking off to the side where Mike has opened the curtain and stuck his head (with his tongue out) in as revenge and Lucas with that look of “dude, really??” on his face)

Dustin and Suzie (one kiss, one smiles, one nose-to-nose, one super close together leaning on each other cute)

Mike and El (one smiles, one kiss, one of him like surprise-trying to pull her into his lap kind of thing idk and her just looking super surprised but happy but also Max is in the background ruining YET ANOTHER picture, and one candid of them giggling about the previous picture with their foreheads pressed together almost nose-to-nose)

Mike and El again bc she wants non-interrupted photos (one with her actually sitting in his lap this time (she did this beforehand so he wouldn’t scare her again with the surprise-pulling thing), one of them pretending to look all hoity-toity like super models, one with her arms around his neck and his arms around her waist and they’re all close and cute sort of candid, and one just like the last one except they’re looking at the camera and smiling)

Will and Mike and El (one with Mike in the middle while his gf and bf give him a kiss on each cheek, one with El hanging over Mike’s shoulders in sort of a half-piggyback and he and Will are laughing, one with Mike and Will kissing while El makes a funny face at the camera, one of them all making funny faces at the camera)

Max and El and Mike (one with El in the middle, Max’s arms are around her waist almost dipping her backwards, her legs are up in the air (as far up as they can go in the tiny booth) and her head is tilting back onto Mike’s shoulder with his arms around her shoulders and he’s pressing a kiss to her hair, one with El kissing Mike’s cheek while he and Max make funny faces, one with Max behind them and her arms over both of their shoulders pulling them all close and their faces squished together with this super big cheesy grin while Mike is laughing at El’s funny face, one with Mike and El kissing and Max sitting next to them making the 👌🏻 symbol and winking at the camera, bc she just has to get sassy)

Bonus, more teens:

- Robin takes Steve on all the crazy rides (aka drags him, makes him go, etc.) They both get a little sick, but for her it's totally worth it (for him...not so much)

- Dustin and Robin get along hella bc he joins them on the crazy rides and is just @steve like “what are you, a pussy?”

- Nancy has to remind Jonathan that the kids will be FINE, and they don't need to hover around them all evening, "let's go enjoy ourselves"

- Nancy likes roller coasters, CHAnGE mY MInD

- Steve and Robin totally scream when they go on the drop ride together, except Robin’s scream is more “holy shit, exhilarating and so exciting! whooooo!” while Steve’s is more “this is fun but also I’m totally gonna die!!”

- Steve is a boss at those games where you have to throw something at/into/onto a target and he wins a stuffed animal

- Robin is p decent at those games too, but she’s not a match for the king (she comes close though, they actually turn it into a competition to see who can win more stuff)

- Nancy kicks butt at that game where you shoot a spray of water and make the target thing rise to the top or race or whatever (any shooting game, really), you know what I mean (Jonathan fucking fails, sorry Jonathan)

- Steve totally wins that game where you swing a mallet and try to ring the bell. Robin doesn’t win but she gets way closer than they thought she would and Steve’s “wtf”. Dustin is also stronger than he looks, and even tho he doesn't win, he can at least lift the (smaller) mallet, which is more than any of the others can do.

- Robin HAS to do that game where you try to climb the flat, almost horizontal rope ladder to the end and she doesn’t even make it halfway before she falls, but it’s hilarious

- Nancy also tries that game after some goading from the others, and she makes it farther than Robin (about halfway) but still fails fantastically. And then she takes a bow.

[alotsgonnachange]

Mystic Messenger Saeran’s AE Thoughts (.......And Prayers..) #Spoilerz

Hello, I just finished Saeran’s after ending and I have a lot of things to say and I am going to write it down while I'm still all keyed up about it.

First of all… Please DO NOT ask me how much money I spent to finish this as fast as I did…. I’m grown but my bank account is certainly going to have a good ole fashioned CHUCKLE at this….. It’s been a long quarantine I deserve a lil happiness as a treat methinks!

I have been playing this absolutely insane game since I think 2016? When I first started playing the deep routes had JUST come out I think? And I was just finishing up high school and am now a college grad...lmao

I’ve played all routes at least once except Jaehee but i’ve seen walkthroughs of her route (I’ve heard it makes you hate Jumin and he’s my favorite so um. hehe). V’s and Saeran’s routes I found to be so emotionally intense and just….a lot and I've been waiting a long ass god damn time for this after ending okay…. I would theorize and make up an ending in my head but i’m no writer so it was hard to figure out lol. I’m a Jumin stan mostly but I love everybody and yeah I should probably play that jumin dlc too but I need like a DAY to recover from Saeran’s AE. Enough about me HERE are my thoughts on it overall

Major Saeran AE Spoilers under da cut!

Can we please discuss V showing up to the C+R conference room with basically chloroform and made everybody Pass Out like??? I was alone in my room at like midnight just SCREAMING at my phone???? And the creepy ass CG ???? It’s like that gif of sarah paulson from ahs being like “I put arsenic in the wine….and the pasta”

Anyway I screamed at V a lot during this process!!

Loved RFA being sweet and kind to saeran (before V fucking drugged them…)

This is such common V behavior “I have to do it all myself...there’s no other way..” GIRL SHUT UPPP You do this every route....

SO many CG’s and I enjoy them a lot

Saeran’s sprite looks a little TOO crisp compared to everyone else but maybe its a glitch??? V next to him is in 480p while saeran is like 1080p

Hearing both Saeran and Saeyoung missing the other brother the whole time??? PAIN. All my homies know is PAIN

BOSS and his V for Vendetta ass guy fawkes mask??? I literally yelled “this game is TERRIBLE!!” several times at my phone

Their dad is so>??????? When he was sitting on the couch with saeyoung in that one CG while simultaneously telling him to kill himself?????????? Maybe chairman han is actually the best dad in this game somehow

When V and Rika were like we’re back together teehee teehee okay pack it up bonnie and clyde ..

When chairman han calls u and says hes jealous of u and saeran…..HUH????? I’m calling HR

When they go to the apartment and see boss and vanderwood and poor saeyoung is sitting there seeing his brother for the first time in years i wanted to D word sooooo bad like PAIN...PAIN….

Can we HAVE A DISCUSSION ABOUT JUMIN HAN BEING THE BEST CHARACTER IN THE GAME AND HE LOST EVERYTHING IN THIS AE……. he just took the blame and moved on jumin what the hell….. I love him so much r we serious? He watched his 2 closest friends betray him in the worst way and found out abt how Rika abused Saeyoung and Saeran???? I felt just AWFUL. Terrible ...Terrible….

Rika’s change in demeanor from Saeran's actual route is certainly a Choice. I find her much more bearable this time around and unfortunately i think I was too nice to her and ended up with a bad end LMFAO

I was happy to see Saeran stand up for himself and become stronger and confident. You go king!

The CG of Yoosung laying in Zen’s lap is everything to me…

HOWEVER YUP I sure did get a bad ending and I was so mad fdsafdskfdhsf ! (I would be happy to clarify how I got the good one the second time.) MAKE SURE To SAVE EARLY in days 2 and 3 bc the branches on day 4 is where the bad end will show up. For me it was the first day 4 chat and then a story mode titled “SAVIOR”.... If you see that RUN FOR THE HILLS!!

I was so mad! But I had saved in day 2 and replayed and MANAGED to get good end

I’m obsessed with everyone calling V and Rika “that psychotic couple” like…..its true its true…

No those two are so toxic… V’s route was torture watching them go on and on about the sun like yo can yall just call each other babe like normal people.

I respect straight people but not V and RIka that shit was just wrong… Straight marriage was a mistake

Oh lord i also FULLY Forgot Rika killed the twins’ mother…. Yeah that scene was um Certainly a lot but it needed to happen eventually

Like it’s good they know but damn that storyline is just so bleak

I think it was satisfying TO A DEGREE….To see Rika understand where she was wrong, why she was wrong, fess up and even APOLOGIZE! I was very surprised.

Saeran and Saeyoung are Certainly twins with the amount that those two self sacrifice in every route MY GOD…..

The scene with Jumin talking to his father and the other scene of him praying oh my god I cannot tell you how happy I was to see him begin to understand and address his own feelings in a route that was not his own. My main problem with Jumin’s route has always been the trapping MC in his penthouse aspect.. This way Jumin understands love and emotions without being overly possessive !!! YAY also loved seeing him be on good terms with his dad who was surprisingly profound

That last Story mode was Really a Lot…. and Strange things occurred which I will get into in just a minute

Jumin becoming a politician is so funny but ngl … i see it.

Yoosung going to france to study pastries ok king I see u! (it made more sense to me than the vet thing anyway)

Lastly Zen FURRY ERA

MY BEEF With the AE

I was happy with how they handled it for the most part. I think Cheritz heard our feedback about V’s after ending and was like okay….let’s try something different

HOWEVER

Saeran…. Sweet kind saeran… IS SO AFFECTIONATE HAHA….

He must have said I love you like 300 times…..very mushy gushy flowery language...and maybe that’s just his personality but for me it was like eating cake with buttercream cake. It means well, but god damn is it sugary and going to cause a stomach ache later.

He was just… SO MUCH! SO forward and ON all the time in his affections. I honestly felt kind of smothered and by day 3 and 4 I was sooooo over all the compliments… King you’ve come a very long way, but ur still putting MC on a pedestal and probably need to see a therapist.

Nextly….Rika and V….. Naw that knock out gas really ...that hurt lol. Coming from “I would do anything to protect RFA” V? Idk like…. EYE felt betrayed reading that. It was just hurtful. I can’t even imagine how the members would have felt as they were passing out. It was just so cruel. I suppose I understand why but like?? Just TERRIBLE

Them being in cahoots with the agency and the prime minister..HUH??? Also too much

V just felt so irresponsible like I do understand that he ended up in a weird web of secrets that’s hard to untangle but he’s so fucking stubborn he’s SO stubborn it makes me insane. Like sir… It seems like in other routes he wanted to try to protect Rika and the RFA.. But in this AE it seems more to me that he was like yeah i’m protecting Rika and That’s It… so fucking hurtful to me. Both of y’all apologize ESPECIALLY to the twins and Jumin..

The forgiveness thing…… Okay so I think some people will not like that Saeran decided to “forgive” the people who hurt him (Rika, V, Saejoong, his mother). I would point out that I actually think this was approached somewhat well. He says at one point that he doesn’t think they’re good or bad, just people. I think he sounded mature and like this was the way for him personally to accomplish his healing process. Would I have loved for Saeran to flip V and Rika off and kick Saejoong off a cliff? Yea I really would. But like…. If that’s what HE needs to do to heal then who am I to judge?

HOWEVER…. Everything Eye just said goes out the window when the scenes at the end with Saejoong come up… I was PERPLEXED. Like why did he HUG his deranged father who just kicked the shit out of him??? Also all the chat options that MC has with him r like blah blah you’re like this because no one loves you were so corny to me LMFAOOOO?

AND WHEN HE WAS IN THE ROOM LATER WITH SAERAN… i’m sorry but if that were me I would have called a nurse to deck his ass. Cool he turned himself in YOU SUCK SOOOO BAD AND I NEVER WANT YOU TO COME NEAR SAEYOUNG AND SAERAN AGAIN THANKS.

*scratches ass* I wish I got to see saeyoung and saeran finally sit down and have that first conversation after a long time and hug CG but the ending was fine I GUESS….. I dont care about ROMANCE I want those boys to be happy brothers together

Anyway that was really emotionally exhausting but I fr think I got it out of my system after literal years… And I can rest in peace knowing the choi twins are happy. THATS ALL I WANTED TO KNOW!!!!

[hollyhomburg]

the Viking!au about the day namjoon & tae fell in love with reader was so cute and showed how tae had got to see the reader when she saved him and just an overall softer side of her but it got me thinking how did the others know that they loved her? I’m especially interested in how hobi knew just bc their relationship was so tense in the beginning

i think that their love story is a little bit enemies to lovers at the beginning like obviously, Hoseok trusts her about as far as he can throw her. he becomes sort of like her guard, “i just want to make sure you don’t do anything stupid” “scared of me little alpha boy?” “oh i assure you, nothing about me is little” and meanwhile she’s like venting to jimin later, “I don’t understand how you live with the lot of them- especially Hoseok- he’s an alpha pig if ever I’ve seen one” and jimin trying to assure her- “he’s not all that bad i promise, he has a soft side i promise” and you grumble, thinking the only alpha in his pack who’s sweet at all is jungkook. 

it’s not until a hunting trip- or a scouting trip- when Jungkook and Hoseok come back banged up Jungkook bleeding from a wide rent in his side that you really see the panicked loving side, despite Hoseok’s injuries, he stays up by Jungkook’s bedside all through the night- even though yoongi does too. you coming by the next day to give yoongi a chance to sleep. you trying to Tugg Hoseoks sleeping form into a bed, though he wakes with a growl. you catch him trying to tug Jungkook’s hand into his own even a bed away, needing the other alphas hands in his to fall asleep.  

you’ve never known alphas to be so tender with each other- but the way Hoseok looks at Jungkook- it’s something different, something special and soft that you feel like you shouldn’t be intruding on. maybe jimin is right, maybe Hoseok does have a soft side that you just haven’t seen. 

one thing that makes you indisposable to the pack is the amount you care, it dosent matter who walks through the door of the infirmary you help. even that little bitch of an alpha Hoseok gets his cuts sown up by you. you have more than a few people to take care of, who need you here, yoongi and the dozen or so other healers in the pack take care of more than 500 pack members.

 you bring many things to the pack, including your knowledge. in the first few months, yoongi learns a lot from you, several tinctures and salves that make some of the regularly occurring injuries here non-existent when they’d been threatening, a herb that brings down fever, another that cures the infection, as well as a burn cream made from the leaf of this flower that cuts healing time in half and reduces scarring.

 it’s an accident really when a clumsy beta spills a pot of oil in the kitchens and it hits a young omega girl, spareing her face but not her shoulder and chest. you and yoongi do what you can, but you’re out of the cream that could save her from scarring and likely- the life of a pariah. yoongi and you do the best you can cooling down the burns with snow and setting over the usual salve that helps you heal, “do you have any more of this?” yoongi holds the empty container out for you and you shake your head, “shit then- what are we going to do?” 

yoongi is one of your biggest supporters to make the trip back to your home, even though it’s deep in the forbidden woods, there are other things there that you need, to gather. other antidotes to poisons and indisposable herbs that you could use here. You’re the only one who knows how to identify them and use them, but the thing is- namjoon is loathed to give you his blessing before you go- it’s dangerous in the north woods, where animals far larger than normal sizes grow and the very ground trembles with an older, wild sort of magic. many people that have gone into it haven’t survived. 

“I lived there for years namjoon don’t talk to me like I don’t know the dangers, and I can help her” namjoon can’t help but look at you, so soft and small, but firey and determined, and feel like it’s too dangerous for even you. the heads of families also listening in, grumbling in agreement, the parents of the child looking at you like you’re their only hope. Hoseok steps forward from where you’re gathered, “I’ll be her guide, and make sure she comes home safe.” you want to scrunch up your nose at him, to hiss almost- because everyone knows you don’t like Hoseok at all. 

needless to say, you see a different side of him during your trip, every time you slip his hand is there on your back, “stop doing that- I’m not some delicate omega i can handle myself, if I fall let gravity do its job and punish me I don’t need to touch you” him holding up his hands, looking stung, “yeah alright, that’s the last time I try to do anything nice for you.”

 in the forest, winter has fallen early, and you’d be loathed to admit you need any sort of warmth but the fire isn’t cutting it, and you know it will only be worse the further north you get, you’ve lived through these winters you know how dangerous they can be. you’re only half surprised when Hoseok scoots over spooning you from behind halfway through the night, “what are you doing?”

“Trying not to freeze to death” and you have to admit, waking up in the morning with his warmth pressed up against your back isn’t the worst thing, even if you do pretend it is. but it’s almost like Hoseok can tell that you didn’t really help it, your snuggly omega scent the same kind of sweet as Seokjin lets out when he’s nesting. 

“admit it- you’re comfortable around me- you like me more than you want me to think you do” you’re just about to reply when your footing falls out from underneath you. almost sending you plummeting down a steep ravine. Hoseok catches you at the last minute, hand on your forearm, he pulls you up and to safety.  “what was it you said yesterday? let gravity punish you?” “yeah fuck everything I’ve ever said to you” Hoseok can’t help but laugh at that, chest heaving as he lays back against the rocks.

It only takes you a few days to get to where your old camp was, it’s desolate and unkempt in the months its been since you’ve been there, most of your things where trash anyway compared to the quality of things available at namjoon’s compound. you don’t stop to take anything with you, but Hoseok does give it an appreciative glance. “you used to live here? all year round?” “yeah the winters sucked.” i like my cabin back home better you catch yourself thinking, but it’s true, your cabin back at the compound is home to you. you shake off what that means and hed onwards, gesturing for Hoseok to follow you, “come on its not far.”

The oasis and hot springs are warm and hazy, the red lily growing in great swathes around it, you drop your pack, it’s only halfway through the day, “we’ll camp here for the night,” Hoseok is basically in awe, but you’re ready to get to work, picking each flower and some of their roots- you’re going to try to grow these closer to the compound but you’ll need to find a hot spring as you’re pretty sure they can’t grow anywhere but there. you pick as many as you can fit in the bag you brought, but you quickly fill it.

“I can’t believe this place.” you eye Hoseok freezing when he starts to disrobe. “what are you doing?!” “are you kidding me? I’ve always wanted to see a hot spring, and I’m not risking getting my clothes wet in this weather.” you’re barely able to cover your eyes before he’s completely nude, turning away hoping he dosent see the flush on your face.

 you collect flowers until every single inch of the bag is stuffed full. but even then you still have more time, it’s not worth trying to find another spot to make camp you’re just setting out your bedroll on one of the few flat rocks when Hoseok calls from the water, “come on! you can’t honestly tell me you’re not freezing your ass off out there, come warm up” he badgers you, and eventually you agree, because honestly- you really really want to be warm right now. you make Hoseok turn around so you can disrobe in peace. 

you’re a few feet from each other when you finally let him turn around to see you, all of your sensitive parts below the edge of the water, so so warm. and yet, when you turn around Hoseok can still see the scars on your back. “you said that the cream you make from the flowers helped heal burns and scar tissue, so why didn’t you use it on yourself?” 

you turn back, careful to tie up your hair and keep it out of the water. “others needed it more than me- my scars are just that- scars- nothing compared to open wounds” he sees your fingers reaching low, hovering over one he can’t see by your side, his heart-tugging painfully as he sees you “and besides, most of them are too old, this salve is the most effective on new wounds, which is why we need to get home as quickly as possible” 

you don’t do anything more, even if what you can see of hoseok’s body has a flush coming to your cheeks. he steps closer to you, close enough for you to see down into the water if you looked, instinctively you cross your arms in front of your chest, but the way hoseok looks at you isn’t predatory, it’s sweet, the same soft look that he gave jungkook weeks ago when he was hurt.

 “but still- I know yoongi and you could put something together- something to help you” he leans in close, and your breath is so heavy as he presses a slight kiss against the edge of your hairline, where you know a tiny scar lingers at your temple, “you deserve to heal too” with any other alpha you’d be scared of them, with any other alpha you would have already buried a knife in his ribs. but Hoseok has saved your life twice now, and you can’t help but trust him. especially when he pulls away after that- giving you your space and relaxing in the water, asking you about other magical things in the forest. 

you end up pressed close to each other on the bedrolls that night regardless, and you pretend it dosent feel good to have his cheek pressed to the nape of your neck. you make the trip back carefully but quickly, getting back in time to heal the girls scars to the point where her skin is barely discolored.

 the rest of Packtan seem to notice something changed between you and Hoseok, easily the two of you where the ones who got along the least- save for you and namjoon who have the tensest relationship. they bug Hoseok but no matter what they say he said nothing happened even though it’s clear to them something has. 

though a few weeks later he does talk to yoongi about some healing supplies- what things are best for healing scars and the such, and the elder beta thinks he might know what hoseok’s asking after. you treat each other with the same banter but it’s kinder now. you’ll shout at him and hit him on the arm good-naturedly when he comes to the infirmary with a new scape, “how do you even walk? or are you so clumsy even the pups are more careful than you- i swear- how namjoon lets you near knives I have no idea-” and hoseok’s happy grin, “if i didn’t get hurt then you’d never get to see my beautiful face and we all know how you-” Hoseok gets a dirty cloth thrown in his face for that, making yoongi and the other healers laugh, “you totally deserved that”

 the others leave you be, let you have your banter. they can see it in your eyes, in the way you’re never anything more than Endeered by Hoseok, even when he throws your words back in your face, watching you slip and fall of the stone pathway when he walks you home after dinner, “There gravity goes, punishing you again” they just shake their heads when they watch. 

 love is only a matter of time and gravity. 

[powerosewaterpuff]

so i was having mary and john grayson feels bc i always do ofc, and i decided well if i can’t find any other fics and headcanonns? imma make them myself hehe soo enjoy ! (heads up tho, it’s a l o t hehe)

Mary Grayson

-cannot cook, she is absolutely a w f u l at it but oh my god she loves watching john cook. she even follows him around, writing in a little journal about all the different recipes and steps, bc she is d e t e r m i n d to be able to make something other then cereal

-she always lets dick attempt to braid her hair, and even though it might come out looking bumpy and uneven, she couldn’t care less bc the smile on her sons face is priceless

- loves the summer, basking in the sun on a wide beach is her ideal happy place, because the winter reminds her a little too much of memories she wishes she could suppress

-she always sticks her tongue out just a bit when she’s focused on something, john still blushes when he sees that

-isn’t an avid reader, but she could watch johns facial expressions as he rereads the same twist in his favourite novel for the rest of her life

-she has a small array of ear piercings, which include three piercings on each lobe and upper lobe (the first she had received when she was a baby, and it had been her grandmothers idea), then she has a helix hoop piercing on each ear with a little stud underneath the hoop of the right ear. (Dick loves them, and always had a habit of fiddling with them even as a baby.)

-her laugh could be described as, (as courtesy of john grayson), “the sound of wind chimes billowing against the breeze, and then she starts snortin—Hey! It’s the truth, what do you want me to lie, mary?”

-dick most definitely inherited her eyelashes, long, dark and curled. she also tends to argue that he got her humour too, but john adamantly defends his honour as, “the most hilarious human being to walk the earth, and dick most definitely got my sense of humour, e x c u s e you, mariam.”

-she is infinitely glad that her and john have a very equal parenting system, without one person needing to be the primary disciplinarian as they work as a united front. (except when john and dick come inside the trailer, dragging in mounds of dirt from a flimsy soccer game. then? shes usually the disciplinary one then, shooing them to go take a shower and telling them that they needed to make sure every i n c h of dirt is out of the trailer before she’s done her afternoon stretches.)

-she’s a very bold and opinionated person, but stubbornly independent with a strong moral system and a fierce temper. she isn’t accustomed to asking for help, and is always expecting to be disappointed or let down. she’s always waiting for the catch to come into play, with john though? it never did

-the second dick gives her his puppy dog eyes, it’s over. she’ll give up the cookies she’s hidden in the top shelf, she’ll give him the biggest hug, she’ll practically do anything, and mary thinks john is the exact same.

-her gut instincts are scarily right, to the point where her best friend, the magicians assistant, is convinced she’s a psychic of some sort.

- the day she met john, she had heard about a young circus boy about her age coming to live with his great aunt in her neighborhood, but hadn’t really paid it any mind.

-it wasn’t until one neighbourhood party, that she locked eyes with a pair of vibrant blue eyes with a deeply rooted fire within them. it gave her a shock of adrenaline, and excitement, the same thing she felt when she was about to go on stage as a ballerina or about to face the uneven bars as a gymnast. it wasn’t a nervous bout of a adrenaline, it was a calming rush, one that filled her bones with a thrill beyond all compare. (Little did she know, the second john had locked eyes with a pair of lively green eyes, he had found what he was looking for.)

- mary was a natural born contortionist, with a flexibility she acquired from years of ballet as well as gymnastics. learning how to work the trapeze was a whole other thing though, as it was a little odd to adjust at first. she loved johns freedom and wild nature while soaring through the air though, a lot more then she loved the rigidness of her own form. (john disagreed vehemently, the way mary moved was like she was one with the air and the air was one with her, and he admits that was she an incredibly quick learner.)

-will always watch cartoons with dick, whether it be The Simpsons one evening or Tom & Jeremy the next.

-johns singing is her favourite thing ever, she always begs him to sing her to sleep and some nights, when john feels a deep rooted knot tug at his chest, mary is sweetly singing, “here comes the sun,” by the beatles in his ear

-her and johns go to song to get dick to sleep is, “little bird, little bird,” by elizabeth mitchell. she always changes the last bird, a whip-poor-well, to a robin bird. it’s a little offbeat but she thinks dick likes it. (dick loves it.)

-has an unparalleled amount of energy, and is always bursting with exuberance, the only one who can really challenge her on that is dick. both of them are absolute adrenaline junkies.

-has an insatiable love for period dramas, it is her absolutely guilty pleasure and will be found watching tapes of her favourite show in the living room at like 3am

-she loves the smell of burning wood and loves sitting outside of summer nights, taking in the sounds of the cicadas and the cold breeze.

-she is absolutely exasperated with her sons ability to make friends with injured woodland animals, it was adorable and absolutely darling to an extent, but oh my god if she had to handle one more skunk with a broken leg or a fox with its leg stuck to a wooden post, she would consider barricading the circus.

-(she loves buying matching clothing for her family and her, but what she loves the most is dressing john and dick up to match, she has a whole box filled with those pictures, which would be perfect blackmail material once dick was in his teens.)

John Grayson

-is one of the most laid back human beings, he always has a lazy smile and gentle mischief twinkling in his eyes. (but fuck with his family and see what happens, he dares you.)

-his eyes are practically identical to dicks, in every shape, way and form. but dicks have an unstoppable light in them, that his just don’t have but he’s so happy they do.

-loves to overspray his cologne just to irritate mary, her scrunched up nose his absolutely adorable. (but he still couldn’t get why she didn’t like that cologne, it was fucking amazing)

-curses like an absolute sailor, and mary isn’t any better but she’s far better at censoring herself. john has had to slap a hand around his mouth a few times to avoid having to explain the word, “shit,” to dick.

-christmas is his favourite time of the year without a doubt, and loves to be curled up on his worn couch with a novel in hand in front for a fire.

-is an avid prankster, but if you confront him about it, he’ll give you a trademarked Grayson smile, and tilt his head to the side questioningly.

-his laugh is like (as courtesy of mary grayson), “a crash of waves, refreshing and loud with a distinct clarity, and then he starts to w h e e z—Hey! it’s the truth! I thought you were against lying, huh?”

-he’s ticklish, and his brother along with his wife and son take advantage of that way too much.

-dick is legit attached to this mans hip 24/7, like if you see john strolling around the circus there is a 94% chance that dick is either riding on his shoulders or settled comfortably on his hip.

-the day he met mary, he had felt a little out of place and stilted at this neighbourhood party. but he sucked it in bc anything was better then going back to his home, so he took a shaky breathe and tried to converse with his great aunts friends, until the music started and he locked eyes with a pair of lively green eyes, and he had found exactly what he was a looking for. a fleeting purpose that could so easily slip between his finger tips but the thrill to latch onto it was expanding in his chest. and he realized that if he didn’t march right on over there and talk to this girl, he would’ve lost something he didn’t even knew he could lose.

- playing guitar had always been a little bit of a therapeutic thing, because even though he tried to be practicing their act every single minute of his day, there were times where he needed to sit under a tree with his son curled in his lap, his leather jacket draped on him. the love of his life and the afterlife curled up next to him, with his blistered fingers from dealing with ropes all day strumming the guitar.

-the biggest elvis presley, beatles and rat pack fan in the world. he also loves louis armstrong as well as nat king cole. (he grew up with this music as his first big introduction to north american music as well as culture.)

-open communication and emotions are a big thing for him, he never wants anything to be misinterpreted and he tries his hardest to make sure neither him nor mary ever go to sleep angry with one another. they argue a decent amount, bc they both have wild tempers (johns is a flame that’s difficult to light but once it does he’ll have a vicious tongue of a temper, and mary’s is a quick lighter that can be easily put out but for the time that it burns holy shit she’s scary,) but they always work things out by talking to one another at the dinner table.

-this man lives and breathes sarcasm, to the point where people never really know if he’s being sarcastic or not (mary does, and it annoys him to no end.)

-always playing with his hair, or he’s playing with mary’s or dick’s. it’s become a little of a nervous habit for him, but also a way to relax.

-was always insecure about how short and scrawny he was as a kid, even now once he’s filled into pure muscle and but still a little short compared to others. however, he uses his body to his advtange though, he can easily be the strong man of the act, and can easily balance both dick and mary with one hand. he’s immensely proud of that, and shows it off as much as he can.

-just to annoy mary, he’ll slowly lift his son up and they’ll give the exact same puppy dog eyes and pout. mary will legit do anything they want (he wasn’t ready for mary to come in one day, blinking her beautiful green eyes and pouting, with dick settled on her hip doing the exact same thing as they ask for chocolate pancakes one morning. it’s fair to say he sprinted out of bed and straight to the kitchen.)

-despises hunting for sport and guns, his father owned an array of hunting guns that were always proudly polished and hung on the walls of their trailer. john fucking hated it, and was about to blow a fuse when one of the circus members decided to take dick on a hunting trip without asking. (he held dick close that night as he cried bc he didn’t understand why they had shot the deer when it looked so happy.)

-is the absolutle biggest crybaby when it comes to Heidi (the book) and has rewatched Kiki’s Delivery Service with dick like 30 times? he cries every time ( “mARY SHES SO SAD OH MY GOD AND SHE DOESNT UNDERSTAND J I J I ANYMOREEEE.”) (“sEE GRANDFATHER DOES CARE AND THE SYMBOLISM MARY THE SYMBOLISM.”)

-loves looking up at the stars, and liked to memorize their names as well as patterns as a kid. he was overjoyed to share this with dick, as they lay down on the roof of their circus caravan, point out constellations and tell their stories (dick would always perch himself on the tallest skyscraper in gotham, on a clear summer evening, just to get a one glance at the stars at again before the smog rolls in. he swears he saw cassiopeia once, but maybe he was just wishing he did. )

-is equally stressed by dick’s unprecedented love of making friends with the most random things, is also stressed because his son is this tiny kid who keeps getting himself stuck in bushes then runs home, covered in thorns but still has the biggest smile. john is usually on first aid duty, and he just knows that his kid would run into the sun exploding with a bright smile plastered on his face.

[uncloseted]

How Can I Care Less About My Image Like Effy? Less About Impressing Others And More About Just Doing What I Like Without Letting Them Influence Me?

Anonymous said:

So I have some problems with my confidence. I can be confident at times but it lasts for a very short time and I begin analysing every part of myself and find new insecurities. Sometimes it makes me feel really disgusting so any advice?? Thank you for this blog btw

Anonymous said:

Even though there are people who like me I feel like I'm not a likeable person because I'm insecure and this gets in the way of me socialising, having fun and having good relationships with people. How do I stop feeling this way?

Anonymous said:

last night i had the worst breakdown i’ve had in foreve about how ugly i was, every single detail about myself was so prominent and i’ve fallen so deep down this hole where i couldn’t hate myself more. i’m so unattractive andthat’s the only thing that people give a fuck about , relatives, friends, family, employers, it’s consumed my life. sometimes i’ll look in the mirror and like what i see &for that fleeting moment i’m so fucking happy you can’t imagine but then i go back to seeing the truth

Anonymous said:

I hate myself. How do I mask my insecurities and make people think I'm confident and make it look like don't care about what they think?

Anonymous said:

how can i appear more confident?

Anonymous said:

how do i deal with fear of being judged? I'm always so scared that people I've known for a long time will remember embarrassing things I've done and still laugh at me for it

Anonymous said:

I'm so insecure because I care so much what people think, its so bad that I don't even want to leave my house. When I go out with all my friends, almost all of them get complimented somehow and I never do, it might sound selfish or something but it really brings down my self esteem, I start feeling like I'm invisible or that people only hang out with me because they feel bad for me, and it makes me want to stop being social/getting out of the house, etc.

Anonymous said:

I sometimes hate my face so much and I feel so insecure and it's the worst feeling :( I hope I like the way I look one day but it seems so hard.

Anonymous said:

I can’t be confident with myself, I’m a huge ppl pleaser bc it feels like is the only way to keep them around, and I guess that’s ok but what frustrastes me the most is the fact that ppl don’t see me or my personality, it’s like I’m just there to help them out, to be their side kick... whenever I try to be confident I cringe at myself... How can I feel more secure with myself?

More than any other question, the thing I get asked most is how to build self-confidence, overcome insecurities, and deal with the fear of being judged.  In this post, I’m going to put every tip and trick I know about becoming confident, no matter who you are and the situation you’re in.

The first thing to remember about confidence is that people aren’t drawn to people because they’re beautiful, or smart, or kind, or fun, or interesting.  People are drawn to people who are confident.  If you’re confident and weird, you’re not weird, you’re a visionary.  If you’re confident and ugly, you’re not ugly, you’re “unconventionally beautiful” or a trendsetter.  If you’re confident and overly serious, you’re not boring, you’re a leader.  A lot of people think it’s the other way around- that only beautiful, smart, charming people who are well-liked can be confident- but it’s not true.  To use a Skins example, Tony’s not a good person.  He’s manipulative and cruel.  But people like him (at least in the beginning) and go along with what he says because he’s confident.  The same goes for Katie.  You can argue about whether she’s objectively the most attractive girl in the group, but she acts confident in herself and in her appearance, and it works. Lots of guys are attracted to her.  So that’s the first thing- don’t focus on changing yourself (physically or emotionally) in the hopes that you’ll be more confident.  Instead, focus on changing your mindset to that of a confident person.  It will make a huge difference. 

Of course, that’s all easier said than done, and the process of building self confidence can take a while.  In the meantime, while you’re on the journey of actually becoming confident, one thing that can help is “faking it until you make it”.  When you’re going about your day, ask yourself, “how would a confident person who’s never experienced insecurity or anxiety handle this situation”?  Then do what a confident person would do.  If you have a really confident friend, it can help to imagine what they would do in a given situation and then do that.  Pretend everyone you meet already loves you and thinks you’re great.  Pretend like you think you’re great.  It will feel uncomfortable at first, but you’ll start getting used to it and the “confident” responses to things will start feeling normal.  One thing that can make this a little bit easier is to talk to yourself in the second person.  By saying things like “you’ve got this”, your brain will (sort of) feel like you’re receiving advice from somebody else, which is more motivating than getting advice from ourselves.

There are also some exercises you can use to build your self confidence on your own. Some of you have heard this one before, so bare with me, but the first thing I suggest is:  every morning, look at yourself in the mirror and say some things you like about yourself.  I know you probably feel like you can’t find any, but try.  Focus on those things that you like and try to only focus on those things.  Write them down, either physically (on a sticky note on your mirror, maybe) or in your phone.  Each day, try to add a new thing to the list.  When you’re out and about, remember those things that you like about yourself, focus on them, and try to draw attention to them.  When other people compliment you, add those to your list as well.  I think eventually by recognizing all of the things that you like about yourself, you’ll be able to feel like there are things about you that you can be confident in, and you won’t focus so much on the things that you feel are negative.  These don’t have to just be things that are physical.  You should include things you like about your personality as well.

I mentioned this trick the other day, but I want to put it here as well.  A lot of people who are insecure use deprecating humor to cope and as a bid to get other people to like them.  But I think that can be really emotionally damaging.  Like Hannah Gadsby said in Nanette, “I have built a career out of self-deprecating humor, and I don’t want to do that anymore..do you understand what self-deprecation means when it comes from somebody who already exists in the margins? It’s not humility. It’s humiliation. I put myself down in order to speak, in order to seek permission to speak, and I simply will not do that anymore, not to myself or anybody who identifies with me.”  Self-deprecation impacts our self-esteem, and it impacts the way people around us view us.  The more times we say something, even as a joke, the more we start to believe it, and the more the people around us start to believe it.  So instead, make fun of yourself by pretending you’re really, really cocky.  If you trip and fall, instead of saying, “I’m such a disaster”, replace it with “I’m the epitome of grace and beauty”.  If you make a piece of art and you think it sucks, say, “Obviously I’m the next Di Vinci/Michelangelo/whatever.”  If you say something dumb, instead of saying, “I’m so stupid,” say, “I’m clearly the next Einstein.”  You still get to make a joke and diffuse any awkwardness the situation has, but you also get practice saying nice things about yourself.  And eventually, you’ll get so used to saying nice things about yourself as a joke that it won’t feel so weird to say those things about yourself in a serious way, too.

For those people who feel insecure about things they did in their past, try and think of something embarrassing one of your friends has done.  Can you think of anything?  The vast majority of people remember their own embarrassing moments really vividly, but don’t remember things other people have done at all.  Reminding yourself that you’re probably the only one who remembers or cares about the mistake you made can help you let go.  The mistakes you’ve made in the past are learning experiences that you’ve grown from and changed from, and the fact that you’re embarrassed by them is a good thing.  It means that you’re not that person anymore- that you’ve become someone better.  I think that’s something to celebrate instead of something to cringe at.  It can also help to talk to yourself as if you were a friend who’s remembering an embarrassing moment. Would you tell them how embarrassing that moment was and how much they suck?  Probably not.  You’d be nice to them and tell them things will be okay.  Talk to yourself like you would a friend.

The fact that people aren’t paying attention to what you’re doing doesn’t just apply to cringey things you did in your past.  People are unlikely to remember that one time you tried a new hairstyle or wore an unusual piece of clothing.  They’re unlikely to remember that one time you asked someone out and they rejected you.  So many of the social pressures we feel can be remedied by remembering that most people are way too worried about what they’re doing and how they appear to the world to care about what you’re doing. 

One more piece of advice- stop comparing yourself to other people.  The old adage, “comparison is the thief of joy” is totally, scientifically proven to be true.  Comparing ourselves to other people (or to TV shows, movies, characters in books, etc) makes us much less happy because we’re comparing everything we know about ourselves, good and bad, with a curated version of this person.  We don’t see them when they wake up in the morning with crusty eyes and frizzy hair, or when they have the flu, or when they’re overwhelmed and anxious and lashing out at the people around them.  But the truth is that everyone, even the people you think have perfect lives that you see on social media, are just people.  They have bad habits and negative traits and days where they’re not at their best, just like the rest of us.  If you really want to start being confident, one of the best things you can do for yourself is to mute or unfollow the people who make you feel insecure online, and replace them with people who inspire you- artists or activists or cute videos of animals, whatever works.  You’ll never be able to feel good about yourself if you’re constantly tracking all the ways in which you feel you don’t measure up.  But you will if you’re constantly seeing all the ways in which you do.

Last thing. Basic life care stuff, like good posture, exercising, eating well, sleeping well, meditating, and just generally practicing self-care and taking care of yourself can improve your confidence as well.  If you’re not starting on a strong foundation, it’s hard to build anything that will last.  But if your foundation is solid, all of the things you do to build your self-confidence on top of that will be, too.

[mnogorgannik]

2 10 n 11 :)

this is basically an essay im so sorry. watch how hard i can infodump (ill put this under a cut hopefully it works bc sometimes tumblr decimates the keep reading things if theyre in asks)

2. Who’s your favorite of the Bound? What do you think of the different ideologies they have? Which of the factions are you most aligned with?

WE ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER I AM A PETER LOVER THROUGH AND THROUGH!!!!!! oh baby i love that morally questionable architect. pretty early on in getting into pathologic (it’s coming up on a year now...) i thought about peter stamatin too hard and now i’m here. but really i find him to be such a fascinating character!

the thing about pathologic that i love is how almost every character can be as complex as you want. pathologic does an excellent job of implying a lot of character traits while only exploring some in further detail, which in some games is frustrating but patho does it so well! it consistently hints at traits and lets you fill in the details yourself. peter’s character is extremely interesting to me... and maybe a little more relatable at times than i want to admit lol.

i think i’ll talk about both stamatins though! their dynamic hurts me a lot. i’ll start with andrey bc i’ve been thinking about him lately. although i’ll bounce back and forth between both stamatins.

i’ve said this before but i’ll say it again.... andrey’s role as a protector who inadvertently hurts the people he cares about really gets to me. he is not a shield but, in his own words, a battering ram. and the problem is that battering ram has a recoil.

i have to wonder how that mentality of his came about, anyways. the implication is that it’s always just been him and peter, so did he take on that role because there wasn’t anyone else to do it?

in his efforts to protect peter from... military, i believe, he kills four people. which leads to daniil getting mistaken for andrey, which leads to daniil getting shot. and almost dying. he protects peter but to a smothering extent, peter even says he’s been suffering for ten years bc of andrey which is a LOADED line. he protects on a physical level but he kinda fucks up on the emotional.

there’s a horrible irony in peter and eva being the people he cares about the most and both attempting suicide. with eva once she’s missing he immediately goes running off trying to look for her, and . ahh i can’t remember right off hand what exactly he thought happened. but ik he was probably expecting a fight. with peter he says that after that he’ll never let peter leave his side, at least “as far as his knife can fly”... it sounds cheesy but the one thing he can’t save anyone from is themself.

and god the way andrey bases his ENTIRE sense of self worth on peter fucking hurts. they’re not peter and andrey, the architects. they’re Peter And Andrey, The Architect. (thinking about “one architect, two brothers” here.) andrey thinks he’s larger than life and all but he’s constantly living in peter’s shadow. their theatre of death positions come to mind here, with peter standing up, looking down at andrey. but andrey is on his knees in front of peter, arms limp to his sides.... separated by a wooden beam...

peter’s side of this dynamic is fascinating too. his dependency on andrey is. ow. leaving all practical matters and decision making to him... there’s this resentment (That’s Fine I’ve Been Suffering For Ten Years Because Of Him) and lack of communication that especially shows through for him.

while in p2 andrey completely crumbles if peter dies, peter doesn’t seem to care...... at all....?? which hopefully is elaborated upon in p2. he’s willing to talk to aspity about worrying if andrey is angry with him but he can’t bring it up with andrey himself. when he asks how andrey is doing he stops and says andrey is a “tough man” and can handle anything. in general, while it’s definitely there for andrey, themes of dependency are really glaringly obvious for peter.

one of my favorite peter things i’ve talked about before is still his ego!!! peter has a gigantic ego!!! he really does think that even though he’s hit the ceiling and can’t go any further he is still “a true architect” and “the rock upon which is built the stairway to tomorrow”. he has a blunt edge to him and he doesn’t ever tell you more than he thinks he needs to which i love. if he doesn’t want to tell you something he isn’t gonna do it. this is a character trait i think ppl miss which is sad because it’s so good and adds another layer of depth to him!

it really does hurt me how he’s valued for his mind alone (AHEM AHEM AHEM. GEORGIY) but it’s the thing nobody understands about him. i’m nowhere near as smart as peter lol but i do know that pain of feeling like none of your ideas can be understood because you just can’t express them the way you’d like, and then feeling like you’ll never be able to make it happen.

also, here’s a little thing  i’ve picked up on. this connection probably doesn’t exist but i’m making it because the stamatins make me lose my mind and start becoming one of those people who looks for connections in everything i guess. peter standing in the theatre of death, andrey below him. peter’s loft being at a high point in the town, the broken heart being underground. peter’s loft is also higher north on the map but the broken heart is lower south. just smth interesting

i have more thoughts on them of course! but this is all getting awfully long. i feel like i’ve only just gotten to the tip of the iceberg  even though i’ve written so much skfjskfjs this just feels quite surface level or. at least what is surface level for me who thinks about the stamatins so hard.

anyways i’ll keep my answers to the other two parts of this question quick! peter and andrey’s more creative vs practical mindsets are rly neat. especially because i would actually argue peter is a little more grounded in reality in certain aspects. not all, but certain ones...... their take on the utopian ideology is interesting. hot take: peter’s version of utopianism leans a tad towards humility. and andrey /does/ feel “straightforward utopian” but i think in certain regards? this man has a bit of a termite streak..... (hi al if you’re reading this). but i won’t get into that right now i’ve already gone on so long. saving that for later.

i think all of the factions kinda suck in their own way sometimes, honestly? although all of them are well written and have their pros and cons. were i in pathologic and i had to choose one i’d probably be a termite but everyone around me seems to think i’m a utopian. is it bc i love peter so much

10. What would you be like as a Pathologic character?

this question is a hard one! i did make a self insert once, mile-a-minute, but they’ve become their own oc by now. i think i’d be very...... very afraid...... probably isolating myself why does every pathologic character break quarantine???? also you could trade beetles with me :) thats about all i’ve got sorry this is real short

11. What is something you would change, writing-wise, about either game?

UGH i’ve been gushing about pathologic because. obviously i love this game so much. but the way it handles racism & such (in both games!) leaves much to be desired :/

i see a lot of the points it’s trying to make but i think the way they’re handled can be very messy. there are moments that work very well but. a lot that don’t. (i am aware that dybowski writes partially from his own experiences)

all too often the game “validates” the kin’s oppression and... at times paints them as oddly antagonistic? i don’t like how often as artemy you’re able to be like “i’m not one of those beasts” and i think there are better ways to touch on his internalized racism. in general the constant comparisons to animals is weird. you get big vlad who is obviously explicitly racist comparing them to animals, but then sometimes it’s like “ACTUALLY calling them animals is fine :)”

i think the herb brides are kind of. Hm. in their portrayal. also using parts of the buryat alphabet to denote an accent is weird. making odongh and herb brides inhuman is weird. connecting the kin to Magic is weird.

and, listen, i’d really like to not be playing Artemy Burakh Experiences a Microaggression Simulator every time i’m playing the haruspex route. hate that you either can’t call ppl out on their shit or if you can it ends the conversation/bars you from getting necessary information. glad you at least get to drag the vlads, i guess?

i also was talking about this but wrt peter specifically, and this issue is present throughout the game but it’s especially visible with peter, i don’t like how often you can mock him for his addiction.

he’s obviously in an extremely rough patch! being able to be just so plain cruel to him about the dependency on alcohol (and iirc in p1 hallucinogens, bc aglaya mentions it) he’s formed to cope with his mental illness & trauma just feels bad. especially because yes it is not a healthy coping mechanism at all but... it still is a coping mechanism, if that makes sense?

the way you’re able to constantly rub it in his face feels awful. peter is fully aware that it isn’t good for him and shows a desire to quit. even if he didn’t it would still be awful to say because. it’s just insensitive. like you don’t just go up to someone and keep being like HEY YOU DRINK A LOT YOU SHOULD STOP DOING THAT DO YOU KNOW WHAT WATER IS? feels really bad to keep harping on something that causes him pain and that he struggles with every single day.

however peter does have moments where he tells you Not to say that, or if you pry into why he drinks he’ll outright say he doesn’t remember you being his friend, which is better than nothing.

in p1 moreso than p2 i hate how you can be like oh he’s craaaazy he’s off his rocker he’s delusional!!!! that “why, i never... an architect of schizophrenia!” comment sticks in my mind because it’s just... so genuinely mean. especially because if i remember correctly that line is from when he’s planning on LITERALLY FUCKING BURNING HIMSELF ALIVE

i think if they were going to have all of this they should have gone more in depth on how it’s really. not good that he’s treated so poorly. and i do believe that’s what they were going for, a la the art book w/ the whole “not to be made into a drunken clown, this is a tragic character”, etc. but it just doesn’t land. i’m holding out for the bachelor and changeling routes in p2 to see if they expand upon any of it but i highly doubt i’ll be satisfied in this regard.

i stand by the One time it was really fucking funny to clown on peter being the time you can tell him little girls eat raspberries and earthworms and he just believes you

[trashinaglass-archive]

Movie Star

Y/n is sick of Tom thinking he’s the shit

Request: Hi can I request kinda an angsty imagine kinda based on when Tom said was talking about his dad and acting like a “movie star”, and basically he says something really pretentious to the reader about how important he is and he is taking the fame to his head, and she gets upset and he realizes he messed up. Thank you loads :)

A/n: I’m here for the angst. I hope it’s good bc this is a good concept

Tom was the best boyfriend you could’ve ever asked for. Kind, loving, understanding, and grounded- the latter being the most important to you. You felt the responsibility of keeping him grounded laid on you; you were the one he cared about most. The opinion he cared about the most.

You didn’t really worry with a few comments he made- he was hardworking in a career that didn’t allow him much privacy. Of course he’d get angry from time to time, act like an asshole every now and then, but it was when it turned from mean comments toward others to praiseful comments toward himself than you began to get really worried about him.

“I just want a girlfriend. I’m tired of being single,” Sam groaned as you and the brothers were sat in a bar.

“Look, bro- all we need is for someone to recognize me, and you’re golden,” Tom suggested.

You raised an eyebrow at the comment, “or you can be yourself and find a girl that likes you for who you are.”

“I’m just saying, I’m kind of a big deal,” he said, shrugging his shoulders making you roll your eyes.

“Calm down, movie star,” you told him, the word rolling off your tongue with disgust. Tom immediately shut down, sipping his beer quietly as you continued to talk to Sam.

Hearing the words come out of his mouth pissed you off endlessly. You wanted nothing more than for him to create something he’s proud of, to feel proud of himself, but you needed him to be humble about it as well. You were sure that he had brought himself back, no ridiculous comments to follow for a while, but lo and behold, amidst the recent film reviews, he found himself excited again.

You were currently driving home after a long meeting in London, answering the phone when Tom called.

“Hey, gorg,” you answered.

“Hey- how long are you going to be before you get back?” He asked, sounding excited about something.

“Um,” you said softly, glancing at the clock. “25 maybe? If traffic stays good. What’s up?”

“I was out today, shopping with Harrison and Tuwaine, and I saw something that I think you’ll really love,” he told you.

You let out a sigh hearing his words. “Tom, as much as I love you and your gifts, it’s getting to be a bit much,” you tried to break it to him gently. He’d ‘been out shopping and gotten something for you’ just about every day for a week and a half now. Maybe it would be okay if they were simple five dollar gifts, but they cost hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars. You never were the one to tell people how they should spend their money, but it was getting to be crazy.

“What do you mean?”

“Tom, you’re spending way to much money on gifts for me. I don’t need a new piece of jewelry every day,” you explained to him. “I appreciate that you think of me like that, but don’t waste your money on these gifts for me when you could use it for so many other things.”

“You’re not even going to ask what it is?” He replied, his voice sounding hurt or angry.

“No because I’m scared of what you’d tell me. For all I know it’ll be £10,000, and I can’t even fathom you spending that on me.” The line went quiet as the words came out of your mouth. The silence making your heart sink. “Tom, tell me you didn’t spend ten grand on a piece of jewelry.”

More silence, making your heart sink even further. “No,” he said quietly, causing your suspicion rise.

“How much did it cost?” You asked him, wanting to know the final verdict.

“Love, it’s not the price that matters,” he tried to reason.

“No, tell me, Tom. Stop fucking stalling.”

He let out a breath, knowing you were going to be upset, “thirty-five.”

“Grand?” You asked for confirmation, your jaw dropping. Tom let out a quiet ‘mhm’ to answer that your fear was indeed correct. “Thomas Stanley-“

“Y/n, it’s fine! I wouldn’t be buying you things if I couldn’t afford it,” he defended himself. Part of him wanted to be mad that you weren’t jumping for joy, but the other part of him just wanted you to understand it isn’t hurting him financially. “I’m fucking Spider-Man- I get paid more in a day than normal people get in an entire year. I have so much money, I could buy you the entire city if you wanted it. Have you seen the expensive fucking suits I’ve been wearing? The watches? I’m not broke- buying that £35,000 bracelet was nothing to me. I’m probably the richest person in Kingston right now, you ought to be happy about that.”

You bit your lip, not believing what he’d actually said. “No one gives a shit how much money you make, movie star. I sure as hell don’t, fucking dick.” You could hear Tom yell out as you hung up the phone, turning it off and throwing it in the floorboard of your car. You pulled the car off the side of the road, placing your head on the steering wheel and letting out a good, long cry.

You don’t know what happened to your sweet boyfriend, the one that wasn’t obsessed with money, but you wanted him back dearly. You weren’t sure what was going on in Tom’s thick skull, but you were certain. If he couldn’t get his act together, you weren’t going to stick around for it. You didn’t sign up for any of that.

Once your eyes dried, you started the car again and continued on your route home- going to your place rather than Tom’s like you two had originally planned. Sleeping and being by yourself was all you wanted at the moment.

When you woke up, you found yourself in your cold living room early in the morning. You decided to check your mailbox since you didn’t yesterday, finding a particularly heavy envelope, and hurried inside to open it.

Inside lay the bracelet, a receipt, and a note from Tom. It was a pretty bracelet, you had to admit. With diamonds surrounding the outside of it. It definitely was your taste in jewelry, but not £35k worth.

I wanted to say this all in person, but knowing you, I probably won’t see you in person for a while. I’m sorry for what I said. I’m sorry for being a dick. I’m sorry for being a ‘movie star’ and properly acting like one. I don’t mean to be obsessed with how much I get paid. I plan on working to keep myself grounded. I feel like you constantly do so much for me, I need you to know just how much I love you for it. I guess buying gifts is my love language, but you’re right. I’ll try to do better on what I get you and how much I spend.

As you’ve probably seen, I left the receipt in this envelope along with the bracelet. Keep it if you like, but I figure you’d want to return it. Do whatever you want with the money, you’re obviously the more responsible one and know how to handle it. I love you so much, y/n. I would trade all the money in the world for you to be happy. Nothing compares to what I feel when I see you smile, and I hope I didn’t just fuck up everything we have. Call me when you’re ready- and preferably not angry with me anymore :)

You bit your lip, looking at the bracelet and receipt. You almost didn’t even want to touch the thing, appalled by how expensive it was. Sure you liked pretty things every now and then, but you were a simple person and a bracelet that costs more than your flat and your car combined just didn’t belong on your wrist.

You put the receipt and the bracelet back in the envelope, slipping it in your purse and heading out the door.

. . .

“Y/n!” Tom exclaimed as he saw you walk through the front door. He didn’t expect to see you today, but he was more than excited by your presence. Without a word, you handed him a stack of papers. “What are these?” He asked, looking at them confused.

“Thank you letters for your generous donations- £7,000 to five different charities,” you told him. “I don’t care if you want to spend your money, but just keep in mind that there are people out there that aren’t as fortunate as you that can use that money for more productive reasons than looking pretty.

“Tom, I love you, and I hate to break it to you, but you are only special to so many people. Myself, your family, your fans, but that’s it. No cop thinks you’re special, no doctor or nurse thinks you’re special, no lawyer or judge thinks you’re special. That room full of actors at the Oscars could care less who you are because you aren’t them. I don’t give a shit how talented or hot or rich you are because that’s all superficial. Years from now, you won’t have that. But you will always have your heart. Don’t let it become corrupt because you can’t see past the pretty things.”

Tom nodded as you spoke, taking in every word like his life depended on it- which, to him, it probably did. It sucked having to be the person to say such harsh words to Tom, but it had to be done. The thought of losing your sweet boy to a fame driven and egotistical world was the biggest fear you’d ever felt.

“I don’t know what else to say other than I’m sorry,” he said softly.

“How about ‘I won’t act like vain, dickhole movie star again’? Or ‘I understand that I’m not the shit’? ‘I’m just as special as my ‘broke, normal’ girlfriend’?” You offered. Tom visibly sucked a breath, his jaw clinching. “You realize I’m that person you called out? That ‘normal person’ that makes in a year what you make in a single day? I’ve never been so insulted, and it was from my own boyfriend’s mouth that I had to hear that from. I’m sorry I’m not cool enough to be an actor and play pretend in a Spider-Man costume, but I can assure you that even though I make less than a quarter of what you make, I am still on your level. My broke ass is just as important as your arrogant, rich one. And I need you to pull that stick out of your ass so you can see who you’re dealing with because you are not going to belittle me like that again.”

“I didn’t mean to,” he whispered, tears pooling in his eyes. He didn’t realize just how severe the situation was; he was so concerned about himself, he didn’t even realize he was insulting the love of his life. He could hear the hurt behind the anger in your voice, and it broke his heart knowing he was the cause of it. “I’m such an asshole,” he mumbled, more to himself than to you, running through his hair.

“Yeah you are,” you said with a humorless laugh, turning to walk away.

“Are you breaking up with me?” He asked, his voice pitiful.

“No,” you looked at him again. “But you need to take some time to realize some things, and I need some time to cool off. We have dinner plans with your parents tomorrow- fix your shit before then.” You turned again, walking out of his flat. 

Taglist: @lucychg @yourwonderbelle @rageyoudamnednerd​ @maliburumofficial @cutiepiemimi13 @happywolves81 @lifeandloveandhappiness @madeinthemidnightmemories @castellandiangelo @meaganjm @spnobsessedmemes @h-oneyholland @babylsn​ @harrydesires​ @xxtomxo (add yourself here)

[blackevermore]

x I had this idea of a human AU where all my boys went to highschool together. In this it wasn’t really a romance au or anything and I wouldn’t be there it would just be a high school drama about 8 (Not including All Might and Fat Gum) teenagers trying to make it to the next year without dying.

|| Meet the students ||

x William Wonka aka the Gordon Ramsay of cooking club #2 in the school

Age: 17

Really doesn’t understand why he has to let people into the club for it to be a club when him and Alastor are enough.

Once ran over a rock in his brand new car trying to park, was the laughing stock until he had Alastor handle it. 

Has strong gay energy but no one is sure what he is except a very mean fashion disaster. 

Him, Alastor, Nique, and Mettaton are known as the Toxic Four. They are the Heathers and Mean Girls but way better and more functional in friendship.

Has the best teeth anyone as ever seen

With that being said there is a rumor going around that he bits people that disagrees with him. (Alastor started it)

Is really hard on the members in his club because food is a craft

Has a crush on someone close to him but no one knows who but it may be the school’s drug dealer, who knows

x “Miach” Mettaton aka the main star of every event, ever

Age: 16 (1/2)

Boss Ass Bitch is his entrance song every morning.

He has a page in the school newspaper about staying fabulous and how to bring out your inner beauty.

Is the nice on in the Toxic Four

Really loves doing volunteer work with the elementary school 

Has been caught making out with Dominique before a performance but they aren’t together

Doesn’t vib will with William but since he is a friend of a friend whatever

He does make them wear pink on Wednesdays

Don’t tell him secrets he can’t remember not to tell people 

He plays dumb so William feels better but he is Nique’s life coach 

x “Angel” Michelangelo aka the captain of the basketball team and art club ambassador

Age: 16

Soft baby who can’t keep his attention on anything except for his passions

The class clown but the teachers love him

He thinks Beyonce is overrated and would wish Nique didn’t play her everyday

He is gentle until it’s game day then move your fucking asses we got a game to win

Has lead his team to victory every year he has been apart of it

Is apart of the same volunteer team Miach is on and teaches kids the importance of keeping their creativity.

Wants to be a teacher

Him and Bryson are always getting into something but always manage to get out of trouble.

Made best friend jerseys that say “Blue Eye Slutz”

Wants to make his family proud of him since all his brother already went off to college and are doing amazing.

x Kurt Wagner aka the “should have been but isn’t” captain of the gymnastic club and theater kid

Age: 17

Transferred from Germany, took him a bit to adapt to his new school

Keeps getting Nique and Micah confused for each other because of their hair and makeup.

Gave up the title as captain of the gymnastic club because he couldn’t handle the responsibility. But the current captain always ask him for the help.

Really enjoys William’s cakes and is the one that has been stealing them.

Is the third wheel of Bryson and Angel and is just happy they let him hang out with them.

He loves getting the villian parts in the school plays bc he gets the best customs. 

Has the best dance moves and everyone loves when he dances at functions.

Talks shit a lot of the time, but since no one but Alastor and Nique knows German he gets away with it.

He can be found in the library most of them time.

x “Bryson” Bumblebee aka the second in command of the basketball team and Angel’s best friend and member of the mechanics club

Age: 16

Is the class clown and the teachers do not love him.

is very artistic but doesn’t really express it because he wants Angel to be in the spotlight.

Will fix your car.....for a fee

Will hide your weed....for a fee

Will do a lot of shady mechanic shit......for a fee

American Sweetheart of the year award goes to Bryson

Is apart of a rugby  team called “Autobots”

When Angel is busy with the art club Bryson takes over the bball team (which is a lot lately)

Is secretly crushing over Kurt and Angel but keeps it to himself because he loves his friendship more than anything else.

x Dominique Dalmatia aka head director of the drama/theatre club also head stylist for all school functions

Age: 17

No one has a nick, everyone is “darling” “baby” “sweetie” “doll”

Will change his clothes during the day, legit packs another outfit in the morning before heading to school

Is the richest kid in the school but no one cares

He drives a new care every week, he picks up Mettaton sometimes and they always roll in with style

Plays his music very loud

Always talks about his besties from another school and has a bad habit of comparing his new friends to them

Will come up to you in the middle of the hall to crew you out about wearing conflicting fabrics

But he is the nicest out of the Toxic Four and will help anyone and everyone

Is the cry baby of the group

Once had a break down over crewing because he didn’t want to keep crewing but had to

It wasn’t William that bit someone, it was Nique and Alastor knows

x Nathaniel Abcott aka the member of the culture and heritage club also the school drug dealer, #1 in the school and hated by William

Age: 18

Is very big on everyone respect other people’s cultures

Is the smartest in the room but you would have no idea because he is high off his ass and asleep all the time

Has an amazing singing voice and can play guitar, he is the kid that sits under the tree at lunch

Ladies man, Mens man, he doesn’t care come to daddy. The respected school hoe

Asks William to cook for him all the time and always gets rejected but not without making the younger boy blush

Doesn’t get along with Mettaton or Nique

He drives a motorcycle to school and like the dork he is, imagines himself as a greaser. He even has the comb switchblade.

Is a momma boy at heart and will make up an excuse of having to help his mother to get out of things. 

His mom shows up to every event ever and she’s the school’s mom

Him and Bryson are weed buddies for life.

x Alastor Hazbin aka Wonka’s right and left hand man in the cooking club and director of the school newspaper and announcements

Age: 18

Nothing gets past him, the hallways are his ears, he knows everything about anyone and will blackmail the fuck out of you

Don’t touch him don’t touch him DON’T TOUCH HIM

His parents drive him to school everyday and he kisses his mother goodbye everyday

Thinks Williams sweet treats suck, not because they do but because he doesn’t like sweets.

Has put alcohol in William food to make the student body wasted as fuck so he could get a laugh out of it. 

If you pay him he will travel to the rival schools and get the dirt on them and punish it in the school newspapers.

Computer geek and knows the ins and out of firewalls, proxies, vsps, tracking etc etc. He was the one that found out the two of the teachers were changing grades of student they didn’t like. 

He runs this shit from the shadows, you think William is the brains wait till you get a taste of Al

Really enjoys his friends but if need be it for his own safety he will destroy them one by one.

Used to date Miach, was an agreeable breakup and never told anyone. Sometimes it slips up when Miach does something caring for Al but everyone brushes it off.

[noheroes-allowed]

10/22

I’m hoping that I’m actually doing ok and not bottling anything in. I’m thinking about the last time I liked someone and how I made really stupid decisions trying to get over him that were unhealthy and made everything worse. and I was so emotional back then too and so insecure and naive, and to be fair to my younger self, I still am. but I hope I’ve matured enough to just handle this situation better than I have in the past. I’m really hoping the way that I’m feeling right now isn’t just a part of me lying to myself bc I can’t deal with an emotional breakdown later down the line. overall though, I can’t believe I actually did it. and I think I was probably able to bc it came in bits and pieces, like our conversation last thursday just made me more aware of how he would probably respond and, it was truly just me needing to admit it and get it off my chest rather than getting anxious over the anticipation of his answer. which I’m hoping is better than if I told him earlier without knowing these things about him already bc maybe I can reassure myself that it’s bc he’s not looking for anything with anyone really and he gets really excited about the time before anyone admits anything rather than something being wrong about me. like him saying that before I had to say anything makes me believe him more bc if I admitted it and then he said that stuff I would’ve thought we was just trying to soften the blow. anyways I hope I’m ok. I was so close again to not saying it but I was like no, if I put it off again I’m gonna hate myself and regret not doing it again. so I told him in front of his house after our walk. 

(side note, the walk was super nice. we talked for like ~1.5 hours and went down this dark trail that was not lit at all, and once we got to the end, he wanted to keep going bc I think he wanted us to keep talking. but we had to turn back for safety/road visibility reasons. like he told me about what he wants to do in life and I really like him for pursuing something that isn’t traditionally successful and he comes from a place of privilege to be able to do that, but also the thing that he wants to do with his life would’ve sent me swooning (if I hadn’t already started getting over him). but still, like I love him for that, and I love his passions and what he wants to achieve, and just talking to him bc he understands how I feel about not just wanting to work for some company and it doesn’t seem like more people in segc do even though theoretically we all should. and I told him how I really liked the work this one company was doing in dc with data science consulting for nonprofits and the public sector and he was like maybe we’ll cross paths someday. (I hope they do. I hope I run into him and he tells me about how he took his kids canoeing last weekend or how his work is going at whatever agency he’s running or how his master’s is going.) he talked about the last time he felt this way was high school senior year when he didn’t know where his life is going. like, it just felt nice to be able to converse with someone who understands how I’m feeling and to hear someone else’s worries or uncertainty too. idk, it was just a really good conversation, and he said it was nice too. I had suggested us to play overcooked bc I didn’t want him to think that all I ever did was talk about deep things? bc like yeah I love that stuff and connecting with people but sometimes I can just chill too. but the walk was the best part. also I brought those little jelly cups with me bc I wanted to share something with him. I am cute.)

anyways yeah I told him. like I just had to do it and get it over with and stop sitting on it for my sake. and I do regret some of the things I didn’t say or didn’t phrase in the way I could’ve, but I think I said enough of what was necessary. like I asked him if I could ask him something and then he suspected after I looked at him and didn’t saying anything and then laughed nervously. but yeah, the gist was I told him I wanted us to still be friends but I needed to get it off my chest and just move past it and reframe our dynamic in my head. and I didn’t really expect anything from him based on our conversation last week. and that the thing that scared me the most was him distancing himself from me and not rejecting me. but he reassured me that he wouldn’t treat me any differently. and I told him I still wanted to talk about the things we talked about before. to make me believe him he was like what should we do next. but yeah we’re going to the cat cafe next week lol

to be very honest though, I obviously wish he liked me back. but ultimately this is better for me bc I don’t need it to build up more intensely the more time I spend with him or misinterpret things bc I know I’ll just end up more hurt later on. but I feel like it’s weird bc he’s the person I’ve liked for awhile now, and the person before that was complicated, and the other person during that was complicated, and the person before that was high school. and I can’t tell if it’s part of me maturing or if I’m bottling things up and not dealing with it, or if it’s bc I kind of got my answer indirectly last week already, but I feel ok. I did like him a lot though, and I feel like I got to know him at a level I haven’t with other people I’ve liked. bc with *****, so much of it was the novelty and all the new experiences I was going through and having to leave people and just not being ready to start over. like he was a good friend and we had deep talks too, but we didn’t have that much time together to know each other in other respects. and with ****, I still can’t comprehend what was going on between us. like I knew her the most for sure, but it’s difficult to compare in this situation. keith is still confusing sometimes, but the keith I know, there are things I admire about him, and things that annoy me about him lol I know he’s not perfect, and things I like hearing from him. idk I just feel like I know this person, or at least the sides he shows me, and not just my idea of this person. so I think that’s why I wish he liked me back. but I’m also relatively ok he doesn’t bc I will (hopefully) still be spending and enjoying that time with him. I think the most I can compare him to is ****, who I got over and still hung out with and helped him pick out a valentine’s day card for another girl lol.

I think also, to be very honest here, I wish like the thought could’ve crossed his mind. like removing everything he said last week about relationships and commitment, he still has crushed on other girls. and I just can’t help but be insecure and wish that maybe if I was prettier or more attractive, the thought would’ve crossed his mind. it sucks, I wish I didn’t feel that way.

also I have this newfound respect for people who have ever admitted anything to me bc wow I couldn’t even say the words. arguably though, one of them was at the end of a program and we weren’t gonna see each other so he had like nothing to lose. and the other one, I think I was giving mixed signals to which I felt bad about, but I really wanted friends and I didn’t want to be labeled as *****’s gf in the org, and I wanted to be my own person that people got to know. yeah I think that was bad timing bc I might’ve ended up liking him. and he told me relatively early before anything intensified. anyway. I have more respect. I do think I had more to lose though bc keith is my lifeline in ithaca unfortunately and I would make some poor decisions if I didn’t have him to hang out with. 

I think that’s all I have for now. reminder to my future self, there will be ups and downs and please be nice to yourself. 

[withallthingslove]

avengers endgame spoiler-filled review

below the cut bc spoilers obviously

even after two viewings this movie is super overwhelming so I’m just gonna jump right in

- clint’s family disappearing was so haunting and traumatic omg

- i didn’t like the music choice over the marvel opening crawl

- nebula was so adorably intense when tony playing footbal with her

- carol is such a bad bitch she just carried an entire fucking ship through space

- steve running up to tony and holding on to him... that was content I didn’t know I needed

- the pepperony hug ughhh I’m not a huge gwenyth paltrow fan but she was so good as pepper in this

- honestly I get tony has been through a lot but he was such a dick back at the avengers compound. I’ve always preferred steve to tony and that scene really displayed why. Yes tony was right something bigger was coming, but his way of going about preventing it was proven wrong both times. I don’t consider ultron to be super canon because joss whedon sucks but tony’s first idea to try and solve it failed, and then the accords also failed and even rhodey regretted it. Infinity war was basically “hey yeah the accords was dumb af and steve was right and now the avengers are scattered.” Both tony and steve were selfish and made mistakes in civil war but the fact that it had been over three years and tony was still soooo angry with steve and holding a grudge just rubbed me the wrong way.

- I really felt for thor when they went to get thanos. Chris hemsworth’s acting in that scene was so good when he realized they had failed

- again who on earth put steve in charge of a support group. And while yes its nice to have some lgbtq representation marvel is way behind on that so to me it did not feel like enough

- paul rudd did so well in this movie and scott is such a good dad ugh

- 10/10 would die for morgan stark. She is soooo cute and it was hilarious when she was like “mom told me to come rescue you”

- i know a lot of people are mad at tony dying bc he could have “retired” but that scene with his daughter before steve, nat, and scott show up shows he could not. He still had a garage where he built iron man suits and suits for pepper. That’s not what someone does when they are out of a fight. That’s why he fell back into it so fast because he never left it. He was still tinkering and preparing and even when he retired he was still fully ready to go back

- i like professor hulk but at the same time i miss bruce

- tony and steve love each other so much it made me so happy when tony showed up at the compound. they’ve had their differences but there is real love there

- speaking of real love I will still never forgive joss whedon for taking clintasha away from us like yes their platonic friendship is great but UGH. They love each other SOOOOOOO much 

- tom hiddleston as loki always steals the show and i miss him so much. I was convinced he wasnt dead so I’m sad that he was still dead in the current timeline. But maybe since there is now an alternate dimension with loki and the tesseract he will show up again

- him impersonating steve, his side eye, just... *chefs kiss*

- the america’s ass comment... amazing, iconic, beautiful. And then steve’s “yeah I know” comment to his 2012 self. I’m so glad the russos let steve be funny

- I love how much winter soldier played into this one especially since it was the russo’s first mcu movie. The elevator scene... steve outsmarting the hydra agents. Secretary pierce showing up... and then steve fighting his past self was just *chefs kiss* again. The fact that he knows his own weakness is bucky and uses it against himself 

- not excited to see tilda swinton’s character because its just a reminder of marvel’s whitewashing but I appreciated it trying to explain the timeline/dimension stuff

- i also loved that at the army compound tony was able to get closure with his dad, something he deserved for a long time. I think that was another hint he was going to die because his arc was completing while steve’s.... the look on steve’s face when he saw peggy just broke me. absolutely broke me. Steggy was my first ship in the mcu and so steve and peggy hold a special place in my heart. The fact she still keeps the picture of tiny steve after all these years (a reference to agent carter)... they both moved on enough to enjoy life but never truly moved on enough to leave the other behind. And so while tony was getting closure, steve was being reminded of what he wanted most and couldn’t have. I also loved the tie in with agent carter and showing Jarvis this movie was truly a fan service to us all

- okay so rhodey/nebula: so ive never been a huge nebula person but i really liked her in this movie. I loved rhodey’s line about “you work with what you got” as far as their disabilities. I felt so bad for new nebula because old nebula SUCKKSSS and I hate she had to face her. I loved that in this movie thanos was wearing his armor because 2014 thanos was not as strong or secure with himself. His energy was SO different compared to the thanos we saw in infinity war so props to josh brolin

- natasha/clint: Well go ahead and rip my heart out. The audience knows only one of them is coming back but they have no idea. And they love each other SO FUCKING MUCH they both tried to sacrifice themselves to save the other person. That is true love. Jeremy renner is such an underrated actor and his reaction to natasha dying just killed me. But so did scarlett johansson’s acting as much as I hate to admit it because I’ve really stopped liking her as much due to her recent acting choices but she played that scene so well. And I will miss natasha romanoff forever. She deserved so much more and paved the way for all the other female superheroes in the mcu

- everyone crying over nat and especially steve broke me. They had such a special friendship, almost as strong as her and clint and I feel so many people forget that because of how natural they were together. And her last words to him were that she would see him in a minute and then she didn’t come back..

- i just realized i havent talked about thor and thats honestly because my brain blocked it out. I like that they explored his depression but dont like that he was made the joke of the avengers and I don’t think it was handled well. I did enjoy his conversation with frigga and by that I mean it made me cry. (also loki deserves a conversation like that too don’t @ me)

- STEVE WIELDS MJOLNIR!!! IT WAS SO BADASS AND MY DREAM COME TRUE I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE EXCITED IN A MOVIE. To me that was the absolute highlight of the movie

- And then sam says “on your left” and all the characters come and the music... poetic cinema

- thanos is a weak little bitch and as soon as wanda was beating him he was fine with his own troops dying just so he could get away

- TONY AND PETER REUNITING CURED MY DEPRESSION AND THEN GAVE IT RIGHT BACK

- CAROL IS SO POWERFUL MY LESBIAN QUEEN

- sebastian stan has no business looking this good my god

- I forgot how much I missed peter parker

- I didn’t notice mbaku until my second viewing and honestly the wakandan characters were shafted like poor shuri we didn’t even know she was dusted until a few weeks before the movie

- I know everyone loves the scene of all the women characters carrying the gauntlet but honestly marvel has a long way to go before they reach equality and it honestly wasn’t enough for me

- side note pepper fighting back to back with tony was awesome

- ugh tony’s face when he realizes what he has to do and he looks at strange for confirmation... give rdj an oscar like my god. He knows that the past few years have led up to this moment and he is absolutely terrified and determined and I am tearing up while writing this because I am remembering it so vividly

- peter parkers goodbye had me crying why is tom holland such a good actor

- pepper’s goodbye BROKE ME... “you can rest now” I think that is the epitome of tony’s arc. For his entire storyline he has been trying to right his wrongs and save his friends and the world and that is so much for one man to carry on his shoulders and everyone knew it would be the death of him. I know tony stans are pissed off that he died, but I don’t see him just being able to retire. Obviously I didn’t want him to die, but his whole storyline has been leading up to this. He truly got a hero’s sendoff and was solidified as THE hero of the mcu. This era started with him and it ended with him. It was a beautiful sendoff for the character that started it all. And I don’t think rdj would go along with it if he didn’t approve

- Steve’s ending.... so I knew from spoilers what would happen and while it was something I wanted in theory I was pissed when I first found out. But it somehow worked. If you look at steve’s arc, he has always been a man out of time. For everyone getting mad he was hung up on a girl he kissed once, it’s pretty much confirmed in agent carter that he and peggy were on the DL for 3 years. she wasnt just a crush he knew for a few months. They loved each other and fought side by side for three years and time took him too soon. In age of ultron the only part I liked was steve’s vision where he gets a dance with peggy. As much as he moved on in the present, the possibility he missed with her always haunted him. You can tell in peggy’s video in the winter solider that even though she married and had kids, the thought of steve still gets her choked up. When she sees him as an old woman she immediately crumbles. They both have referred to each other as the loves of their lives. 

- So with that said, I don’t think it’s weird or out of the blue that he would suddenly decide to try and go back to peggy. They won, bucky is back and safe, sam is back and safe, he can finally rest, and he has the tools to go back in time. The way I interpreted it, Bucky 100% knew what he was going to do. The look on his face, the tone of his voice. He knew Steve was not coming back, and he also knew he deserved to have that happy ending. So while sam and bruce thought it would only be 5 seconds, bucky turned away from the machine, knowing steve wouldn’t show up there. I ship stucky too because I just want steve happy so while at first I was like “how could he leave bucky??” watching it on screen it made sense. Bucky approved of his choice, and while he was saddened by it, he understood it. 

- In my interpretation, I don’t think steve stayed in the main timeline. I think him going back created an alternate timeline where he married peggy, dissolved hydra earlier, and freed bucky earlier. At some point, those two timelines merged, and he wandered over to where he knew they would be. OR after peggy died, he used the technology to travel back to that timeline when he was old. Or my friend suggested he could have met tony stark in his alternate timeline and asked for his help. Who knows. He literally came back with a shield, meaning he was at one point captain america again in that timeline. I don’t think there is anyway he could just stay quiet for 70 years about bucky being tortured and peggy running shield that was secretly hydra. I refuse to believe that. If the russos come out and say that’s what he did, then I’ll backtrack and say I don’t approve of steve’s ending. But as of right now I’m okay with it. 

[piamii]

Taking a mental health day from work today but was really conflicted about how to word it.

Last year I took a few mental health days but there were 6 of us so maybe it was less conspicuous

It’s only me this year and I for some reason keep feeling this push pull with my supervisor to be close and honest with her

Last night I was feeling ok about work. But after once again not sleeping properly I feel like somethings up with me

I’m feeling all the ways I used to feel about my mental health

Being small is not okay, it’s not okay to let go, I’m responsible for all of my clients progress and safety

Which is true in a way but

I also have beeen thinking about the difference between me and my supervisor

She’s the only person I see on a regular basis. Like I see her 4 times a week

So I don’t know how to be myself, a postdoc

I keep comparing myself to her

I wondered to myself would anyone else take a mental health day in my position?

Who cares, others aren’t me

It’s like I forgot I’m extremely sensitive and have been sobbing every day and not sleeping well at all during the weekdays

My nutrition and hydration and shit has been ok, so I’m not getting sick which is the weird part

Im so incredibly emotionally constipated

There are so many incredibly destructive thoughts in my head right now that haven’t been addressed

Things have just gotten increasingly harder for a long time now and I can’t tell where adjustment starts and my dysfunctional mental state ends

Is it really ok for me to say work is too much?

Does it make me pathetic?

Didn’t I feel this way in all previous years too?

2nd year, it wasn’t like this but at least I was more honest with myself about how anxious and nervous I was about work. I definitely took it easy and complained more often. I slept poorly frequently on clinical days and would feel really angry about it. I don’t think I got sick more than once that year

3rd year i wasn’t sleeping quite as poorly but still had sleep problems, hated my commute. That was the year I kind of had to start blocking people out of my life, like not completely but was so down and exhausted that I couldn’t function socially outside of work and school. I didn’t get sick much tho. Definitely noticed SAD symptoms starting this year but to be honest felt somewhat depressed on and off through early winter until spring which is I guess the colder darker months in OR. I think I had some SI but it was towards the end of winter

4th year was when I had more somatic issues. My sleep was honestly not bad that year comparatively speaking but when m and I broke up during internship application season I had a bunch of health issues that resolved shortly after my interviews ended. Tbh internship interviews were a nice reprieve from the dark slump that probably would have hit me if I had just done school in the winter. I had my first sinus infection in spring and went to see Slushii anyways Hahahha.

Internship year... I had a sinus infection too and got a cold maybe 2 other times. Last year was the most I’ve ever gotten sick. I took a mental health day maybe like 3 times and actually used sick days too. I want to say this was the hardest year for me mental health wise until this year in terms of symptoms but the best in terms of self care. By like April/May I was feeling really good about life. Maybe it’s the weather here too idk

This year feels so much harder than the other years combined. I’ve used one sick day and two mental health days and I’m having a hard time understanding where I’m at mental health wise in conjunction with who I need to be to do well at work. It feels like I’m growing at an unmanageable pace. I’ve had the most frequent SI I’ve ever had in my life which is somewhat alarming to me. I’m safe don’t worry but I’m just saying the thoughts coming into my head. My sleep is getting reallynfucked up over these last 2 weeks. I sleep like a baby on the weekends which makes me feel like it’s stress related. On one hand I’m acclimating to this insane amount of stress and on the other hand it feels like every day I’m being stretched open and carved out.

I’m not even ruminating that much before bed anymore. Like I’m not actively distressed like I used to be when things hit me hard last year. I’m just constantly unhappy and anxious this year which I feel like is my lot in life right now. My self care has gotten much better last year and this year, but this year it’s been harder to find ways to relax. Things went downhill really fast, when the seasons finally changed here and I started seeing 4 of my clients in the field. I am most definitely consistently working over 40 hrs a week now. I tried really hard last year to work less whenever I could and honestly the agency was pretty good about giving us a reasonable workload. But now it feels like I’m meeting the real world, where work just comes at you and never says sorry. You had to do extra and stay longer this week? Sucks for you. You have to completely uproot your already untenable schedule because one of your clients has really a really complex risk presentation? Welp that’s the price of doing this work.

Like when I was told the weeks here typically don’t go past 40 hrs I feel like I was lied to. I feel alone and singled out bc I’m the only postdoc this year. I want to know how C felt 2 years ago. If there were 2 of us I feel like I’d be having an okay time. Can you fucking believe they had a hard time building to full caseload last year? It cannot be just me in this position. I want to give up every day.

I don’t feel protected I don’t feel like I can ever let my guard down. There is no one I talk to regularly that I can be honest with. I don’t have the energy to relay this information to the people I do talk to regularly which at this point is my supervisor and M. And like hell im going to tell my supervisor this stuff.

Is this the real world?

Something tells me it is, but I have to find a way through it somehow

I’m still debating about this one client. She’s on my mind a lot and I’m scared which is probably a parallel experience to what her family is experiencing.

The fuck you mean our ethical duty? What am I supposed to take away from that convo? I know I have my own voice and opinion but that made me feel really bad for not doing exactly as you said. I know I tend towards the anxious paranoid side of things but that really scared me because instilll can’t think straight about this client and I sure as hell cant go to you.

The relationship between e and I has changed too, I think she’s overwhelmed too

Something that keeps popping up over and over again is- how fucking awful it would be for a client to complete suicide

I know it happens and it’s time I face that this could happen

It’s a terrifying thought and I almost don’t want to tell anyone that I’m having it

It feels shameful and dangerous to think about, because if I can’t handle it who could?

Who can contain this for me and tell me it’s okay? I don’t want to fucking hear that I should do more

It’s a complex mess of emotions inside my head. I understand why I would need to do more in this situation but there’s no room for it. I want help in trying to balance but my schedule is already unbalanced and bringing me into a dark place emotionally.

What if because I took today off no one sees my hospital patients all week?

Friday is going to suck ass if that’s the case

I could ask my supervisor directly to see them

But I want to be small today

And that would take a lot from me

How does the psychology service work at the hospital during Xmas break?

Uhhhh....

Shit.

I’m scared for some stupid reason that someone will make me stay during break or I’ll have to work some crazy stupid long hours on Friday

I hate ongoing patients bc they still need to be seen but it’s kind of your choice whether or not to see them

It’s like adding an automatic to do to the list every time I’m there but the task takes 2 hrs at least

I’m always scared I have to stay late at the hospital, luckily the latest has been 6:30 but I’m terrified every time I go in that it’s going to be longer

This is new for me and it’s ok to get freaked out

To not have a clear idea how much I am going to work each day and each week really puts me off

I feel pathetic because aren’t there a lot of jobs that are unpredictable like that? Especially once you become salaried ?

My stomach is starting to hurt

It’s weird because I haven’t gotten any somatic symptoms this year but I’ve also been sobbing my eyes out every day so maybe that’s why my body is feeling okay. I haven’t really cried the last few days because I’m just very tired of crying at this point, so maybe that’s why my stomach has been hurting a bit more

Every time m says something nice to me, hell anytime anyone says something nice to me I start to cry and I’m just so fucking done with crying and feeling out of control just to have nothing change and things even get harder at work

Fuck!!!!!

I haven’t properly dealt with this terrified feeling

I have to tell myself this feeling is informative but separate from reality

I’m so fucking scared.

[howlnikiforov]

Black Swan Rejects

Here’s my reject pile as promised, you’ll see why they’re rejects. What could’ve been and never will be. Some of these are just horrible ideas, others terribly written, and some both. Black Swan Ch11 is especially both. I hate it. Idek why I kept it bc it’s so bad. Most are from Black Swan

Trespass Chapter 26 Reject

“Okay, let’s take it easy.” Hyungwon said, cup of water ready in his hand.

“Hyung-” You broke out into a coughing fit. He quickly helped you take a few sips of water, his hand rubbing your back.

“It’s okay,” he said, “let’s take our time.” He was growing awfully tired, but he refused to sleep. He wouldn’t sleep unless you did because he didn’t want to leave you alone. He wanted to keep your company, and he couldn’t really do that if he slept.

“Hyungwon.” You managed to rasp out. He grinned at you, grabbing your face and kissing your forehead.

“You’re getting there.” He said encouragingly.

“Yeah.” You coughed, and he immediately gave you the glass of water.

Honestly, all Hyungwon wanted to do was take you home, and sleep. Sleep honestly sounded amazing. He felt like he could sleep for years. Though that was the last thing he wanted to do. He didn’t want to lose any more time with you. That’d be worse than death.

“The more you talk, the easier it’ll get. But let’s take it easy, yeah?” He said, pushing hair out of your face.

“Okay.” Your voice was scratchy, but Hyungwon was confident that it’d only be a few hours until you could talk normally. “I love you.” You added.

“I love you too Baby.” He replied, kissing the tip of your nose.

He was ecstatic to hear you talk, even if your voice was dead. The nurses had provided you with some medicine to help your throat, though Hyungwon wasn’t too sure how well it was working.

“You’re getting tired,” You pointed out, choosing to whisper. “You should sleep.” He shook his head, “No, I’m okay.” He really was okay. At least he felt like he could be okay. “Did you wanna watch one of your dramas?” He asked.

You eyed him, and he was starting to feel a little guilty, when you whispered, “Sure. We can watch a couple episodes.” He watched you scroll through the list of dramas to watch, getting into a comfortable position. His arm wrapped around your shoulder, and you put your head on his shoulder. “This one will be good.” You told him, playing the first episode. He passed out not even halfway through the show.

He woke to you caressing his face. “I told you you were tired.” You told him. He groaned in response. “You know you slept for a good thirteen hours?” He sat up straight. Thirteen hours? That was far too long! “Why didn’t you wake me?” He asked, running a hand through his hair.

“Because, you need the sleep.” You replied, gently touching his arm. “You’ve been under a lot of stress lately, and you’re using up a lot of energy to help heal me.”

He didn’t say anything, instead choosing to stand up and stretch. “You should eat too.” You said, “Food will help you get energy.”

“Mmm, I’ll eat later.” He said. He didn’t feel like eating. He actually wouldn’t mind going back to sleep, but he’s already slept for thirteen hours.

“Hyungwon.” You warned.

“Fine, I’ll eat a granola bar.” He relented. He went to the bag of foods Kihyun packed for them and took out a granola bar. He ate it quickly, realizing he was hungry, but he didn’t want to admit that.

Honestly, he had no idea why it was so hard for him to admit things, or why he was struggling so much. There was so much he needed to do and take care of; everyday brought new stresses. He didn’t want to worry you. He just wanted to take care of you and make sure you were okay. You’ve already been in the hospital for four days.

“You know, I never asked and I’ve been meaning to, but why were you so scared of Jinho.” He asked suddenly. He took note of the way you stiffened at the mention of your brother’s name. He glanced at the heart monitor, watching as your heart sped up.

“I-” You started, but stopped. He sat down next to, taking one of your hands in both of his.

“Hyungwon,” You whispered, your throat burning as you started to speak. He focused all his attention on you, waiting for your next move. Instead of talking, you pointed to the glass of water on the nightstand.

Black Swan Chapter 1 Reject

“I know. But it’s your first solo gig.” He grumbled, placing his lips against your neck as he zipped up your dress.

“It’s not a solo mission. Wonho will be there.” You corrected.

“It’s a solo mission because I’m not going to be there.” His arms wrapped around your waist. You leaned back into him, tilting your head to the side.

“I have a hard time believing you won’t be nearby.” You said, placing your hands on his arms.

“I won’t be. Shownu will be, but I won’t. I’ll be a good boy and stay back.”

You chuckled, turning around in his arms, “Darling, it’ll be fine.” You reassured, “after all, I’ve been trained by the best of the best.”

“You’re feeding my ego.”

“You act like that’s a bad thing.”

“It is when you’re going out dinner.”

“Why?”

“Because I won’t be there to witness what you do.”

Black Swan Chapter 3 Reject

It was no surprise to you that when you woke up, Hyungwon was still sleeping beside you. It was late morning, but you decided you wouldn't wake him. He deserved some sleep for everything he’s done for you. Especially last night. You weren’t sure how he did it, but he didn’t sleep until you were asleep. You turned in his arms, coming face to face with his bare chest. He had his fair share of scars on his body, which was something he brought up overnight. Did his scars make him any less beautiful? No. They didn’t. So why would they make you any less beautiful? One thing that came to mind last night was: how could you truly love him if you were still struggling with yourself? He was right, you were confident most of the time, but there were those small moments when you wanted to erase yourself. When you didn’t feel good enough for the world. Somehow, he was always there when you needed reminding that you were worth it. You reached a hand up, placing your hand over his heart. You could feel his heart beat against his chest, a strong, steady rhythm. You ran your hand down his chest to the waistband of his sweats. You really did not deserve him. You felt like you were lacking compared to him. He put so much effort into your relationship. He chased after you when you pushed him away. He comforted you long before you were ever officially together. He always gave you a shoulder to cry on. He relentlessly went after you when you were kidnapped. He was always there for you. But what did you do for him? “So much…” He mumbled out of nowhere. You sucked in a breath, startled by his sudden comment. “What?” You asked in a whisper. Perhaps he was just talking in his sleep? “You’ve done so much for me.” His eyes fluttered open, greeting you with a tired gaze. “Can you read my mind?” You asked. While the idea of being totally, completely connected wasn’t bad, you weren’t sure you would be able to handle him constantly knowing what you were thinking. “No,” He replied, taking your hand off his waist and moving it to his chest. “But you’re projecting your emotions on full blast, and I know you well enough to be able to accurately guess what you’re thinking about to make you feel that way.”

He ushered his allies out of the door, sending a bullet through anyone’s chest if they dared come near. There were too many people left for him to leave too, so he stayed back to fight. Three people came at him, so he shot at them. They fell to the floor like flies.

“H.One we need to go!” One of his team members shouted at him. He glanced back at the kid, then back at the room full of enemies. It looked like the room had mul

Black Swan Chapter 11 Hella Reject (TRIGGER WARNING // mention of a suicide)

Hyungwon’s phone started ringing at the moment, interrupting what you were about to say. He frowned and took out his phone from his pocket.

“Hello?” he answered, putting the device to his ear.

“Shit. Are you sure?” he asked, glancing around the area as he went on alert. You watched him carefully, wondering what he was being told.

“Alright, got it. Thanks.” he swiftly stuck his phone back into his pocket. He grabbed your arm and yanked you with him as he practically ran down the street, heading towards the club.

“H.One,” you tried to get him to stop, but he relentlessly pulled you along, “what’s wrong? Tell me what’s wrong.”

He either didn’t hear you or he ignored you. He didn’t stop pulling you until you were standing just outside of the club, in front of Shownu and the line of people waiting to get in.

“Don’t let anyone else in. We have a security breach.” Hyungwon informed Shownu. He glanced back at the line of people waiting to get in before he shoved you inside the building. He brought you behind the counter with Wonho, who stared at the two of you curiously as you went to the far corner.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on now?” you rounded on him, putting your hands on your hips.

He reached up and took his hat off, running his hands through his hair. “I.M spotted someone in the alley we were next to on the CCTV.”

“Who was it?” Wonho asked quietly, butting into the conversation.

“Someone close to your brother.” Hyungwon answered, staring right at you.

“So then why did we run here?” you demanded.

“Because we don’t have the proper equipment to fight this guy on our own. He was eavesdropping on us, which means he would’ve used that to his advantage given the opportunity to.”

“I take it we’re on lockdown then?” Wonho questioned.

“Essentially yes. We can’t have anyone come in until we can make sure it’s clear. All we can really do right now is hope he didn’t realize who Black Swan and I were.” Hyungwon turned to Wonho.

“What were you two talking about?” Wonho asked cautiously.

“About what happened between us yesterday.” you informed.

“Ah I see. I take it then that what he heard means YG will know a new weakness for us.” he replied.

“It’s highly likely, yes.” Hyungwon sighed, clearly frustrated.

“So what’s going to happen now?” you crossed your arms over your chest.

“I don’t know,” Hyungwon answered, “Ki, Sunshine, and Honey are all gathering their teams right now. I might go back out to help them. You’ll stay here with Bunny and Bear and watch over the place.”

“So I’m just supposed to sit here and do nothing?” you protested.

“Y/n,” Hyungwon warned, “please don’t fight me on this. Not right now.”

“Why not? This is supposed to be my time to train. This is the perfect opportunity to get field experience. I can-”

“Dammit Y/n!” Hyungwon shouted then sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. My Love, this man, they call him the The Cutter. He’s dangerous, and I can’t- I can’t risk him taking you from me. Especially now since he knows more than he should.”

“Who’s to say you’d lose me?” you asked softly, taking his hands in yours.

“My dear, you still have so much to learn. I’m scared I won’t be able to protect you.” He admitted, looking down.

“Then don’t go out, because if you go out, I’ll only follow you.” you tried to laugh.

“I don’t doubt you would.” he mumbled, pulling you towards him and wrapping his arms around you.

“What happens if we catch him?” you asked, resting your head on his chest.

“Then Bear will will start interrogating him, and he will never see the light of day again.” he answered.

“And if he’s not caught?”

“Then we’re probably fucked. But we can work it out so long as we all work together.”

“Are you sure?”

“No, but I’m trying to be.”

“Let’s go to the back. It’s more private.”

“Okay.”

You started to pull Hyungwon towards the back rooms when your name was called. You didn’t hesitate, instead walking faster. You were almost to the doors when someone stepped in your way.

“Ah, Y/n, you frequent this place, don’t you?” Daniel said, looking you up and down.

“Why are you here?” you questioned, feeling Hyungwon slide his arm around your waist.

“Am I not allowed to be?” he raised an eyebrow at you.

“Well we did have the bodyguard escort you out last time.” you pointed out.

“Well it’s not like you own the place.” he countered.

“You’re forgetting part of our conversation from last time,” Hyungwon said, “we do own this place.”

Daniel seemed a bit taken back by Hyungwon, “Ah, I see you’re still a prat.”

“And I see you’re still after my wife.” Hyungwon remarked.

“I’m just doing what her dad requested of me. See, he doesn’t want his daughter to be with someone so horrible, and I don’t want to be alone. What’s so hard to understand about that?” Daniel said innocently.

“What’s so hard to understand that I’m married and share the highest possible bond with my husband?” You replied.

“Bonds mean nothing. You can bond with someone who’s not your soulmate and make them your soulmate. Did you know that? That’s what your parents did.”

Daniel’s words hit you like a brick to the chest. Was he really implying that your parents weren’t originally soulmates? Was everything you knew about their relationship a lie? Was it even possible to bond with someone who wasn’t your soulmate? Quite frankly, you didn’t want to think about it. You had your soulmate. You couldn’t bond with anyone else. Never. Not even if you lost Hyungwon. You couldn’t do it.

Hyungwon could tell his comment unnerved you, so he took the reins to end the conversation. “Thank you Daniel for helping build our revenue, but know that the next I see you here, I will not hesitate to kick you out and blacklist you. Goodbye.”

Hyungwon pushed passed him and opened the door, letting you through first. He threw a glare behind his shoulder before following. The two of you walked in silence as you went towards one of the many rooms.

“You can’t really find a new soulmate, can you?” you asked cautiously as you entered a random room.

“I don’t know.” Hyungwon answered, shutting the door behind him.

“Do you think what he said about my parents is true?” You spun on your heel to face Hyungwon.

“It’s hard to say, but frankly I think he was just trying to get on your mind. We can have Changkyun do detailed background checks on them if you want.”

“Maybe. I don’t know if I’d want to talk to my dad first or have the background check done first.”

“Whatever you decide my love, we will-” his phone rang in his pocket, interrupting what he was saying. You couldn’t help but notice that this was like, the tenth time someone has been interrupted tonight.

“Are you kidding me right now?” Hyungwon angrily said into the phone.

You watched curiously as he paced around the room. “What’s being done now?” he asked, trying to calm himself, “Alright, I got it. Hurry and take care of it.”

He shut his phone off and turned to look at you. He stared straight into your eyes as he said, “The Cutter just killed himself.”

Black Swan Chapter 12 Reject

You woke in a panic, sitting up and rapidly looking around you. Slowly, you became aware of your surroundings, realizing you weren’t in any immediate danger. You breathed a sigh in relief,