#my older sister

[angry-kid-with-no-money]

one year anniversary of the queen dying? nah, one year anniversary of my sister nearly breaking her neck as she came running down the stairs bc she *had* to tell everyone the queen was dead Right Now

[thingsmysistersays420]

Me and sibling learning phoenix wright went to law school to be a lawyer to force Edgeworth to meet him because he wouldn't answer his calls. This mans gay ass wanted to talk to Edgeworth again so fucking bad. They were friends for 3 months in 3rd grade. Mr. Wright is not alright.

[trumpetnista]

Goodbye, Daddy. With love from Cookie.

August 3rd 1964 - August 15th 2023

As I mentioned a few journal entries ago, my dad had been sick and bedbound due to a bedsore that became an open wound. That open wound became septic down to the bone. While there were signs of it healing, his body could no longer take the stress it was under. The pain he was in was too intense. There was nothing more that could be done to help him medically. After discussing things with all of us, Dad was put into hospice care on the 8th. The IV drip was removed and he was put on a morphine/diluadid regimen to reduce his pain and aid his departure. Even after that, he kept fighting to stay with us. He didn't want to leave us. I know that in my soul but in the end? Loving someone is knowing when to let them go. We had to let him go so he could depart in peace, so he could be Free and out of agony.

This morning, at 2:30AM, he took his last breath.

My mom, my Aunt Paris, my younger brother, and myself were there. My big sister @dynamicspacebabe and her husband joined us shortly afterwards. Our whole family and several of his friends visited over the weekend and yesterday because we all knew that it would be soon. His kidneys had begun to fail. His brain was shutting down. He was no longer able to eat, drink, speak and during his last 48 hours, see us despite his eyes being open.

He could still hear us, though.

My mother had been playing music for him the whole time but in his last 48 hours, I took over as the DJ. Songs that he loved, songs from my childhood kept playing, and each one was deeply comforting, even the ones that made me sob. Eventually, I began singing to him, surprising everyone. I typically am not one to sing in public, despite having a pretty good voice, but I wanted him to hear me as much as possible. I wanted to let him know that I was still with him, even though I no longer had any words to say other that I loved him and that I would always be his Cookie.

His nickname for me happened on my birthday. According to the story, when I arrived, I looked like just like a gingerbread cookie. My mother's adopted father wanted to call me Pumpkin but that was promptly shut down. Too many stories about people getting into trouble involved someone known as Pumpkin, at least according to him, which was actually pretty accurate given that we lived in Gary, Indiana at the time. So, Cookie it was and Cookie it stayed. He was the only one who was allowed to call me Cookie. Cookie, it will remain for the rest of my life.

I know that I mentioned that I had conflicted feelings towards him. I know that I said that I was angry at him for his behavior towards me and my siblings as a parent in the past/present. I still have those feelings but they are outweighed by love. It was like that before he passed away and it will definitely be going forward. I won't pretend that it never happened. I won't rewrite history. I can't but I can have nuance. I can have balance. I can forgive but not forget. I can have empathy, not just for him but for my Mom.

Mom and Dad met when they at U of M in their late teens. They were together for 40 years. They were best friends and now, she's by herself for the first time since before they met. She still has us. She has her mother and siblings. She still has her true friends but I am terrified that we will lose her, too. Diane and I gave her resources to keep her here. Diane gave her the Suicide Prevention Hotline number and I told her how to use the crisis line at Easterseals, which I've been using frequently since the 8th. I also figured out how to check into a mental ward that's closer to home, not just for her but for myself.

I'm still afraid to be in a ward by myself but I have to be realistic. I have faced tragedy many times in my life. My family has faced tragedy many times but nothing on this level. Every time we've been through hell, Dad was always there. He supported us all as best as he could but this time? He is the tragedy and what makes things worse?

This could've and should've been avoided.

The nursing home who neglected my Daddy, murdered him. It's as if they pointed a fucking gun at him and shot him point blank. It wasn't congestive heart failure or diabetes that took him away. It was them.

If it wasn't for their callousness, their lack of professionalism, their utter contempt for the people in their care? He would still be with us.

And my father isn't the only victim. Every time we named the facility, people recognized it and reacted with sadness/horror. I am well aware that there are many other nursing homes just like the one who murdered my Daddy. I am well aware that it's a systemic problem through the United States and globally. I get it. I've been a Caregiver for over a decade. I have no choice but to get it.

That being said, I'm making it my mission to take down the nursing home and every person inside of it who took my Daddy away from me. I want to make sure that no one else will lose their loved one to them. I want to hit them where it hurts the most: in their wallet and I want to expose their shitty reputation to the masses.

It won't bring him back. It won't restore him to the man he was before all hell broke loose. It won't undo the pain and trauma we've gone through since late February-early March. It won't and can't do any of that but having a place to target, having people to blame for this makes the situation better. Having a mission after tragedy adds to the motivation to stay alive, at least to me. Maybe it's because I watched too much Batman growing up or maybe it's just me being spiteful but I'll take it.

I am heartbroken but not spirit broken. I can't speak for the rest of my family members but I know that I will survive this. I have the coping mechanisms, the support system, and most of all, I have a promise to keep.

Before cancer stole my Bunny, my Sara Elizabeth from all of us, she made me promise two things: she made me promise that she would not die alone in a hospital and she made me promise that after she was Gone, I would do my best to be happy and to live well.

I keep my promises and the promise I made to Sara will be double downed on for my Daddy.

All he wanted was for all of us to be safe. All he wanted was for all of us to be happy. He adored his family and he showed it as best as he could. He did the best that he could and flaws and all? He was a good man. He was a good husband. He was a good father. He was a good friend.

Reginald Thomas Dixon was a good man.

He was my Daddy.

And I will always, always be his Cookie.

I love you, Daddy.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you and we will make the pieces of shit who hurt you, who murdered you pay for it.

I no longer believe in the doctrine that I was taught but I do still believe in an afterlife. I do believe that you are at peace and I believe that you are with our Bunny. Please hug her for me.

I sang one of your favorite Donny Hathaway songs after you were released from the prison your body became. I sang that Someday We'll All Be Free and your Someday has come.

Smile, Daddy. You're Free.

With all the love in my heart, Cookie.

[imabee-oralizard]

kylieee hello hru

Heyyy I’m doing good

I was up at 7am and started watching Jackie and Ryan but never finished it 😔got like 10 minutes in and fell asleep

How are you?

[gyalcoeur-love]

you cant tell this woman anything without her starting to lecture you i had to say “i was only letting you know” because shes always like “you never tell me anything”  im trying !!!

[saebaragi]

not my sister scolding me for how dragonflies are named in english... like girl, it wasn't even me who named it wtf

[feetfingers]

Sunday, November 26 2023

Woah, I haven't posted in a while. Sorry abt that! Here's what I did today :3

------

-I woke up to my mom trying to wake my older brother up. She sounded mad so I decided to get up too, hoping it would make her less mad

-My older sister asked me for help because she got a hickey on her jaw and needed to remove it asap because we're going to a bday party and mom will do her makeup.

-She laughed at me because I suggested using protex powder to cover it up. I almost gave her hair product and deodorant thinking it was sunscreen lmao.

-In the end, mom didn't notice

-Mom rented two dresses for me to wear to my cousin's debut. I wanted to go with the light green one, because I thought it suited my personality more. I went with the dark green one because my parents said I looked fat in the light one.

-When we were about to leave in the car, my grandma L almost went to the wrong gate because we used our neighbor's car

-I had a fight with my little sister which made her mad and not want to talk to me for a while. She tried to frame me for the murder of her doll Gale, and we fought over it and I said she's the actual murderer, and we tried to make each other go to jail.

-I was selected as a candle and I was nervous because I'm not close to my cousin and didn't know what to say. I asked dad for help.

-I electrocuted my thumb because my charger broke and I tried to fix it. I was pissed all day (still am) because my charger is so sooo broken

-I kept staring at the flashing lights during the party. I liked how the pink light made the dresses look black (they're green)

-It was a full moon today. The sky was very bright.

-My little brother watched a video on why Skibidi toilet is good

-I sat on the edge of the rocky sea wall because my older sister wanted to take a pic. The sharp rocks hurt me.

-My older sister put a bandaid on her foot before putting on her heels. I shouldve followed because my heels made my feet hurt. It's my first time wearing them, they're 2 inches

-I watched a cable explode. Very cool. Sparks flying.

-VCed with Rat and Under. Argued over hard boiled eggs. My mom asked them which town they're from. My friends found my conversation with my mom entertaining.

-My aunt called this girl. Idk who she was but apparently I was close with her. She told me I'm pretty.

-Took a bunch of pics with my older brother.

-The food tasted bad. I liked the desert tho, ate 3 cups of it

-My phone is at 11% as I'm writing this

-Orph texted me some math notes

[dieubius]

uhhh. bruce wayne modelling gig. have a good day 🥰

[opikiquu]

[liexpressway]

But once he is gone who will I have?

tiktok / icarly / unknown / @/mothman / An Oresteia: Agamemnon, Aiskhylos / Bumble Ardy, Maurice Sendak / icarly / A Little Life, Hanya Yaragihara / The Fall Of The House Of Usher, Steven Berkoff / A living Chattel, Anton Chekhov

[anxioussailorsoldier]

zelda: “no, but...I would also like this notarised”

the totk situation is a textbook case of royal marriage for appearances so that the gay zoras can be with their blonde hylians, and you can't tell me otherwise

the blond barbarian man is leeroy, a beefier and more himbo reincarnation of link. still waiting to see him in-game

[thingsmysistersays420]

My sister is playing Boulders gate and pissed off a Genie, so he turned her into a wheel of cheese.

[trumpetnista]

It’s the entitlement that makes me not want anything to do with you even when you legitimately need help. If you want me to help you, especially when you’re waking me up out of a dead sleep, a simple Please and Thank You can go a long way. I’m a Caregiver. I have been a Caregiver since 2012. I love what I do and I love being able to help people. I’m your daughter. I’m your daughter and I love you. THAT BEING SAID, I am not a servant for you to order around. I am not your nurse. I outright refuse to wipe your ass for you. I’m not going to do it, no matter how passive agressive you are. You wanna know why? Because I am not being paid to look after you like that. I am being paid to look after your autistic daughter because you’re too selfish and traumatized to do it yourself. 

Do not mistake my kindness for weakness. Do not expect me to set myself on fire to warm you or anyone else anymore. I did that for years and it led to me having a psychotic break. I will no longer sacrifice my mental and physical wellbeing for the sake of making your life easier. 

The only reason I helped you as much as I did this morning is because you truly are prone to infections and the last thing the family needs is you in the hospital too. Although, if you were in the hospital, you would have all the people you want to order around and they would actually take home a paycheck to deal with your bullshit. And it is bullshit. Yes, you are physically disabled. Yes, you are in constant pain. I understand and I have empathy for you but you are not nearly as helpless as you play yourself up to be. You can get to the bathroom. You can use a washcloth. You can use body wipes. You can use an actual toilet instead of a commode that you don’t even empty yourself. You can but you refuse to.

I understand that you’re in a lot of physical pain and you don’t want to move as much because it makes it worse. I definitely understand but there’s such a thing as pushing through. There is such a thing as doing for yourself. There is such a thing as trying. Even if you tried and failed, I would be more inclined to help you because you actually put forth an effort.

And even if you were in a condition where you couldn’t do for yourself, your entitlement makes me want to leave you to dwell in your own filth. It makes want to let you starve. It makes me want to let you “forget” to take your medication. It makes me want to ignore everything about you. You treat all of your children like we’re tools and servants to you. You see us as little more than resources to be used day after day, over and over again without any consideration for our feelings, our autonomy. 

I don’t doubt that you love us. There have been enough moments to prove that you do love us as best as you’re capable of but your narcissism, your entitlement, your learned helplessness makes us all want to be rid of you. 

That’s why I keep my answers to you as short as possible. That’s why I help you as little as possible anymore and have been saying NO more often. 

That’s why Valerie outright refuses to do anything for you anymore and barely acknowledges your presense, which I know drives you crazy.

That’s why Thomas is getting closer and closer to his breaking point, which is leading him to rightfully find a way to move out.

That’s why Nina is helping you but with a strong sense of resentment that she’s getting less inclined to hide as the days get closer to her 18th birthday. 

That’s why Kimberly has absorbed herself even more into the world she’s created so she can ignore your constant bullying, despite her being sweet enough to help you whenever you demand. Not ask, demand. 

That’s why Diane is continuing to search for nursing homes that will take both you and Dad. 

It’s why she didn’t come over to have a sister day like we planned yesterday because she didn’t want to deal with you. I was so upset and disappointed that I initially blamed myself. I thought that she was angry at me. I thought I that had triggered her. I thought her bad and tired mood was all my fault for assuming that she’d want to spend time together. I thought I had overstepped. I thought that I had ignored her need for agency but she straight up told me that it was because of you. She sent me a screenshot of you demanding, not asking for her time and energy.  You didn’t even say Good Morning. You didn’t even ask how she was doing. You didn’t even say Please or Thank You. All I saw was demands and attempted emotional manipulation. It looked like a screenshot from a toxic employer, not a loving parent.

Diane and I were supposed to spend time together. We were supposed to go see Barbie and then I was going to take her to my favorite Japanse restuarant. We were supposed to spend time together outside of me needing a ride to a doctor’s appointment. I wanted her to have a fun day off where she didn’t have to stress about her job or her husband. I just wanted to do something nice for her. I wanted to make my best friend happy.

We were supposed to have a day where we could be sisters and catch up and just be together in person but you ruined it. 

You ruined it like you ruin everything else.

The common demoninator is you. You are the problem. We are all miserable because of you. You are a burden and a leech.

We have spent too long catering to you out of a sense of duty and love, conflicted love but love at the end of the day. Dad spent too long catering to you out of a sense of duty (and as a way to assert control over you) and now that he’s incapacitated, he can’t. He can’t and you expect everyone to pick up the slack instead of stepping up and doing for yourself. Not only do you expect it, you demand it and then have the nerve to pitch a fit when you don’t get your way immediately or at all. You should count yourself lucky that we haven’t stuck you in a roach ridden nursing home for you to be neglected to death.

You’ve become accustomed to a lifestyle where you can do the bare minimum but act like you’re making grand sacrifices all the time. You’re not making grand sacrifices. You’ve never made grand sacrifices or even small ones when we all needed you to. Every time, every fucking time, we have to accomodate you. We have to give you all the attention you seek or you make a public scene or do a private guilt trip. Everything has to be about your comfort, your satisfaction, your needs. Everything has to be about you, you, you!

I’m fucking sick of it. I’m fucking sick of you. 

The hate I feel for you grows every day but it’s still outweighed by love.

Hell, the hate and love I feel for you is topped by one emotion, one constant emotion that consumes me every time I look at you.

Frustration.

You are far more capable than you claim to be. You are far better than the way you behave. I’ve seen the person, the mother you could and should be for brief shining moments but then they go away. They always go away and leave behind someone that I’m terrified of becoming. They go away and leave behind someone who causes nothing but stress and sadness to people who just want to love them. They go away and leave behind someone I want to protect myself and my siblings, older and younger, from. 

All you have to do is try. All you have to do is put forth some consistent effort, any consistent effort, and things could be better for you. There’s still so much potential in you but you always squander your chances to do better and to make matters worse, you’re very self aware. You’re self aware but you’re too scared and selfish to do better because you figure that it’s too late anyway so why bother? You fail to even consider those around you. All you care about is yourself at the end of the day.

All I ever wanted was a mom who acted like a mom but I got you instead.

It’s not fair.

It’s never been fair.

[bookwyrminspiration]

being an older sibling is like. you've never known a life without me. mom yelled at me and it taught her she never wanted to yell at you. I painted my room purple and grey and then you did too. we live in the same house but I haven't spoken to you in months. I don't know your favorite color. I saw it was going to rain so I picked you up from school on my way home so your books wouldn't get wet. i was so worried when you woke up sick when you were three. you don't remember being sick. mom and dad made their worst mistakes with me and I'm glad they didn't make them with you. I'm doing everything for the first time so you won't be in the dark. I don't know any of your friend's names anymore. I used to know them all. if something happens to mom and dad you won't have to worry because everything will fall to me. you don't like to be home alone but even if you don't see me just knowing I'm there makes you feel better. at least that's what mom told me. you still give me jars to open for you because you can't quite get them. I only see you during dinner. i'd never even think about missing one of your concerts. I stand at the counter when I eat and now you do, too. when offered a selection of books you picked the same one I did when i was your age. I'm terrified you compare yourself to me. I love you. I don't know if you like me. I want you to. mom says dinner's ready

[flowerquib]

Princess Sunny and her Knight Pomme

"I had a sister."

"Her name was Pomme."

No font and close ups