#my therapist is also considering c-ptsd or normal ptsd

[hiro-doodlez]

Rating all of my mental illnesses!!

Anxiety- I'm scared. 0/10

Depressions- IM SAD. -18738292/10

DPDR- i am robot. I here? Where? Me what? 1/10

Adhd- IM SILLY!!! IM GOOFY!! FOCUS GONE BUT I STAY SILLY!! 7/10

Homosexuality- 10/10 /j

This is a new reblog challenge. Rate your brain uhohs!!!

[clever-and-unique-name]

Hey, this isn’t an ask, I just wanted to thank you.

I first came across the word “dissociation” years ago, connected with it a lot and promptly ignored it- only recently (the past few months or maybe it’s been an year- my sense of time isn’t great) did I start delving into it.

Initially I was reading ab depersonalisation and derealisation and really connecting to it and getting super scared but I eventually slowly got myself to accept it and read about it.

But then I watched moon knight/ and in trying to learn more about DID just as a generally mental health-aware person- I started relating to alOt of things in a very painful way.

It was a weird up and down months long journey of being scared/ not wanting to consider it at all/ not even wanting to bring it up to my therapist/ thinking I’m making it up/wondering what the like between “normal” and “dissociative” was etc.

But I’m finally in a place where I think either it’s C-Ptsd/ OSDD (even now I don’t want to fully accept it’s the second one). But a big Big Point of acceptance for me has been blogs and memes and infographics from systems.

Of all the books and myths and confusion around dissociative disorders/ it’s always the sincere experiences that I keep relating to the most/ and the explanations from real systems which resonate with me the most.

And your comics were easily the Biggest turning point for me. Because it was explained in a way that entirely totally intuitively made sense to me.Down to them being different colours and circles and mixing. Your descriptions of introjects and passive influence and blending are what really made it make sense to me and genuinely validated me and made me able to see my personal experiences as a dissociative disorder Without feeling wrong and scared and hate myself.

Instead of new terms and talk of trauma that overwhelmed and alienated me, when I was first dipping my toe in, your comics showed and explained my own daily experience and how I’d been seeing the inside of my head for so long. When I was little I had 6 “imaginary characters” I would play as/ my handwriting has always changed/ I’ve had 6 google accounts for years now for “efficiency”/ diff YT accounts that subscribe to diff channels coz “don’t wanna contaminate the different vibes” and these are just some of the little things that were always a little off or weird but in learning that all those little weird things tied up with my big weird things? And that none of them were weird at all but rather something that could be explained and Shared with a community of people who Also Experienced it and could connect and guide each other?

That feeling of connection, understanding, and clarity- the embracing and empathy and forgiveness I’ve been able to have for myself -is something I am so so ever grateful to you for.

So thank you so much. You made me feel how magical and human it is to share, connect and belong with others. And be seen.

(Side Note- I still use singular pronouns as 1- I still have some internalised stigma to work through and 2- with my OSDD it’s more like I in different fonts rather than “we”)

(but I will say I absolutely identify with your descriptions of more distinct parts and they were what allowed me to go “haha just as like.. a fun experiment what if I tried to imagine what it would look like if I had diff-“ when I tell you my head imMediately sorted itself into different trains of thought/roles/personas/ even sense of physical appearance…they settled into and took that “experiment” so so easily and it was so comfortable that I had to look further into it)

(And as I’ve kept going and been genuinely curious and compassionate I’ve started noticing “memory fuzziness” / introjects of my parents/ realised I have a “little” who I have been severely neglecting/ been able to make my therapy about 70% more effective and finally finally feel seen and understood in these communities)

(I’ve acc been able to be aware of diff parts and encourage them to use words- where before they’d be impulses or emotions or visualisations so I could assume it was just “thinking” - now I just encourage a little bit by thinking “hmm is this a part? What are you trying to tell me? Please use words” and it has absolutely changed my life and made so many things clearer and so so much guilt and self hate has been cleared up)

As of now my therapist and I are unsure if it’s more an IFS kind of thing or C-PTSD or OSDD but whatever it is I want to thank you so So So much for putting this out into the world - reminding me of a story about one boy who saw hundreds of fish beached and started throwing them back in one by one and someone asked “why would you do that? You can’t save all of them it won’t make a difference” and he responds “he made a difference to that one”

I don’t know how much interaction you get on your platform but I just want you to know you really made a difference to this one.

And I am very grateful.

(Sorry this was long)

Sorry this has sat unanswered for a bit, I ah...struggle to put words to how much it means to me, not only that my little infographics helped you in such a way, but that you took the time to write so thoughtfully to me. (I did read every word of it, even though I don't have the spoons to reply to individual points.)

For a while I've actually been debating taking down my DID/OSDD Casually Explained posts, because they're by far my most popular posts and tend to draw in people who expect me to be the same sort of "educator" I was 4 years ago when I made them. And I'm simply not. I work full-time now, and the relatively little time I have at home is spent trying to wrangle my own mental health.

I suppose I got wrapped up in thoughts of disappointing people, no longer providing the informative content that most people followed me for, nor the personal content they could find relatable...

All that to say, I forgot how impactful content like that can be for people. I've certainly come across mental health comics or art that clicked things into place for my own experiences, I just didn't think my own creations could have that kind of effect on others (thanks imposter syndrome.)

Truly, thank you for telling me your story. I am so honored and humbled to have a place in your journey. Your words have convinced me to keep my infographics up indefinitely--I suppose we're taking turns tossing each other back into the sea.

I'm wishing you all the best (and try not to worry too much about diagnostic labels if you can help it, it sounds like you're doing The Parts Work just fine regardless!)

[kokorowoutsu]

-- HC: Disabilities

While not really mentioned aloud on this blog, some characters do have disabilities that they cope and live with everyday. I don't highlight these if only because I don't want them to define my characters, but I thought i'd point some out and what they do to help keep them in check.

Ashe suffers from Obesity, Autism (on the spectrum), Phobia (Milotic line, Zombies), Tinnitus (Ringing in the Ears), Depression-Anxiety, and c-PTSD. The first one has led her on a weight loss journey that isn't talked about, but something that actively is going on. For her c-PTSD and depression-anxiety issues, she turns to her knowledge of her own triggers and Merlin the Delphox and Lucky the Sylveon to be her guides. This is namely why she's never seen without them. Merlin also helps put magical ear muffs if it were over her ears to deal with Tinnitus.

Also while not a disability, she is a very picky and light sleeper due to her c-PTSD and Tinnitus combined. Bright lights and silence at night bother her and prevent her from sleeping.

She actively sees a therapist for her various issues once a month.

Grusha is physically disabled due to his back injury and has to use a cane on the worst days to get around, as well as a sled with Togo to pull him around on long distances. He also suffers from PTSD and Depression due to the incident with Geeta and being unable to snowboard. He goes to physical therapy and counselling for help on issues he's suffering with.

Leon suffers from PTSD and Anxiety-Depression but has been seeking therapy once a week locally where he lives to help him through his thought processes. He's learned to adapt far more easily then everyone else with the cards he's been dealt and by far can be considered the most 'normal' quote unquote.

Kianga suffers from ADHD, c-PTSD/PTSD, Depression, and Phobias (Hydreigon line, Mentions of Team Plasma, Encounters with them, etc), as well as the knowledge he has blood on his hands. Choosing a different path from his family, he lets nature as well as his adoptive family be his therapists knowing they're unbiased to him. He doesn't share his issues openly and doesn't deal with them in a healthy manner at times, but that's where his family usually steps in to deal with it the feral and old way.

Morgan has long-term PTSD and has dealt with bouts of mental illness throughout her life, but living as long as she has, she's learned to conquer it. Her PTSD, however, is something that has resulted in the death of others if they're not careful. She does not let people know of her weakness easily.

Willow does not seem to have any disabilities, and is a bright and happy child.

[starfishinthedistance]

I know you're not, like, a therapist, but may I have cptsd if I don't avoid thoughts of my abuse & things that remind me of it? I think about it every day, at all times. Not about what happened exactly, physically speaking (i try to not think about that because then I wouldn't be a functional person) but that it happened, and I rewatch videos on internet of the location it happened sometimes, though i don't know why, considering it makes me feel bad (and so does having to go across the place while on the way to other places). I think about it every day while in class (and it's making me regret my choice of profession, because when I'm in class everything reminds me about it), then while going to home, and then at home sometimes too. Is this a symptom of some sort? It's probably not avoidance. The abuse stopped happening 3ish years ago, but before then it happened pretty since i was seven (i am now twenty), so I am not sure what a normal person's thoughts are like. It also doesn't affect my sleep because I have nightmares about it only once a year.

Sorry if this is incoherent. My english is flawed + I'm bad at this stuff and putting my thoughts in a short manner.

Hey, I'll try my best :)

I think you saying "not about what happened exactly, phsycially speaking (i try not to think about that because then I wouldn't be a functional person)" is a very clear sign that you experience avoidance of trauma related thoughts. But also the avoidance doesn't necessarily mean you never ever think about it ever, because other symptoms in the criteria specifically refer to thinking about the trauma (intrusive memories, blame of others or self for causing the trauma, etc). You saying that there are certain trauma related thoughts you avoid thinking about means you tick the avoidance box. You don't need to avoid every trauma thought ever for it to count :)

Saying that watching videos of the location makes you feel bad is another symptom (emotional distress in response to traumatic reminders), and saying that you regret your professional choice because of you being reminded of your trauma is very consistant with PTSD/C-PTSD, both the intrusion symptoms and the avoidance symptoms.

Also, having nightmares at all, no matter how infrequently, ticks the nightmare box and counts. The other symptom of sleep distrubance outside of nightmares is not required for a diagnosis.

So obviously I don't know you and I'm not your doctor, but judging by what you've said here you seem to tick the boxes for intrusion (nightmares, emotional distress, unwanted upsetting memories) and avoidance (of thoughts or feelings, and you have the desire to avoid outside reminders). We didn't talk about Criterion D or E so obviously whether you fit them is up to you, but so for what you described is very consistent with PTSD/C-PTSD.

Also keep in mind that the DSM criteria for PTSD isn't the end all be all of trauma symptoms. I referred to it in the original post because

1) it's useful to know what criteria will be used to evaluate you if you do seek a professional diagnosis

2) the criteria does cover a lot more symptoms accurately (unlike the ICD criteria in my opinion), and I was using it to illustrate my point of people reasons for why they don't having PTSD literally being part of the criteria.

But the DSM isn't a perfect resource, it's a good one, but not a perfect one, and it was written by people who probably didn't even have these disorder themselves, and they were focusing more on insurance and logistics stuff for the practioners and less on actually helping the clients. There are many changes that have been made to the DSM because it was inaccurate, and many more than have been suggested by clients and clinicians alike, including ones relating to PTSD.

Even if you don't fit the criteria, it doesn't mean your trauma or struggles don't count or that you can't get or don't deserve help. Many people (including me) would even argue that it doesn't mean that you don't have PTSD. It just means your manifestation of post-traumatic stress does not look like what the American Psychiatric Association thinks it should look like. You're absolutely still traumatized and deserving of help and healing.

Hope that helps, have a wonderful day :)

[c-ptsdrecovery]

Things I wish mental health professionals and researchers understood about trauma

--There are two major kinds of PTSD: “simple” PTSD, and Complex PTSD (aka C-PTSD). Simple PTSD is caused by a single traumatic experience. Complex PTSD is caused by multiple traumatic experiences, usually extending into early childhood. 

--Complex PTSD, although it gets less attention, is actually more common than simple PTSD. The majority (though not all) people with PTSD actually have Complex PTSD, not simple PTSD. (You can also see this in the fact that childhood trauma is considered a predisposing factor for developing “simple” PTSD)

--The DSM-V requires that a person have gone through a “life-threatening” experience in order to develop PTSD. This is obviously incorrect to anyone who has experience in treating (C)PTSD. Emotional neglect alone is sufficient to traumatize people, especially children. Many people with (C)PTSD have never experienced a life-threatening situation, and requiring this for a diagnosis means a hell of a lot of people aren’t getting the help they need. “Small-t” traumas need to get a hell of a lot more recognition as trauma, rather than focusing entirely on “Big-T” traumas.

--A lot of people who experienced childhood emotional neglect (CEN) do not realize that this was traumatic for them. This comes from a combination of factors, including cultural issues (our culture is really bad at recognizing emotional neglect and trauma in general), experience (if you grew up with emotional neglect, you tend to think it’s normal), and alexithymia (an inability to “feel” or identify one’s own emotions, which is a common symptom of childhood trauma and CEN). Rates of diagnosis for trauma disorders are therefore much lower than the rates of people who are actually experiencing those disorders.

--Focusing on brain chemistry in the treatment of disorders such as depression and anxiety often comes at the cost of ignoring the (often unrecognized) traumas that frequently contribute to or cause these mental health disorders. While medication is a helpful and frequently necessary part of mental health treatment, more focus needs to go toward other kinds of treatment.

--Because of the mental health profession’s poor track record at recognizing trauma, we really don’t know how many cases of issues like depression and anxiety are associated with (often childhood) trauma and how many are simply caused by a chemical imbalance. It could be that the vast majority of mental health issues are actually traumagenic (caused by trauma), at least in part. We simply don’t know.

--In particular, I suspect our numbers are skewed by trauma’s intergenerational nature. People who have been traumatized, especially if they haven’t had sufficient treatment, very frequently go on to traumatize their children. This being the case, and the childhood trauma having gone unrecognized by our mental health programs, how accurate are the studies that look at genetic versus environmental factors in the development of mental health disorders? If researchers are just asking participants, “Have you had a life-threatening experience?” or even “Have you been traumatized?” to find out whether they are actually suffering from past trauma... that is deeply insufficient for actually establishing whether they ARE traumatized. Almost up until the point where I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD, I would not have told you I had been traumatized. Nonetheless, I had become so depressed as a result of my trauma that I had started making suicide plans. I was deeply traumatized, but I could never have identified that for myself for 30+ years of my life. The actual magnitude of the effect of trauma hasn’t, I think, been TOUCHED by the state of current research on the topic.

--Patients suffer a huge amount of additional trauma from the ignorance of therapists. Huge numbers of therapists believe and advertise that they know how to treat trauma, but actually have not been trained in the (often very delicate) work of trauma therapy. This can lead, not only to growing despair in their patients, who go to therapy for years and yet never seem to get any better, but also to therapists inadvertently re-traumatizing their patients through clumsy (if well-meant) therapy. Best practices for trauma therapy need to be established and taught widely, and a better universal (or at least national) system of certifying therapists for trauma work needs to be instituted. Trying to find a good trauma therapist is a traumatizing MORASS that even a mentally healthy person should not have to try to wade through.

--Many mental health professionals are abusive toward their patients--especially, it seems, in the case of psychiatrists. It has long been known that the medical field attracts narcissistic personalities: some kind of system needs to be developed to try to weed out abusive people from medical professions, perhaps especially the mental health field. Mental health professionals need to be trained in how to approach trauma survivors, and also in what constitutes emotional and mental abuse. Out of the four psychiatrists I have seen, I was directly emotionally abused by two of them and (perhaps inadvertently) traumatized by the other two. People with mental health struggles are the LAST people who need to be traumatized by abusive or ignorant medical professionals, and psychiatrists should be the LAST medical professionals to be doing the traumatizing, yet here we are. Weeding out abusive personalities from this field--and educating about what constitutes abusive behavior--needs to be proactive, not reactive. Mental health patients frequently do not recognize abusive behavior as abuse and frequently do not have the emotional resources to lodge official complaints about it when they do recognize it--not to mention how often such complaints are ignored or insufficiently dealt with further up the line.

TL;DR:

Mental healthcare in this culture suffers hugely from:

1) ignorance of the true nature of trauma and its effects

2) lack of understanding of how to treat trauma (and how to interact with traumatized patients)

3) lack of standardized, research-based, reality-based guidelines for care

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

op could it be that because you're so conflicted about your lesbianism, when you don't get your other social needs met, it feels like the easy-to-blame candidate for your problems? bc i mean realistically--and i mean this respectfully--your orientation is only likely to come up in your pursuit of romantic & sexual relationships (are you, love interest, into lesbians or aren't you?) and/or figuring out who your people are, but even then, that's just checking a box on the "are you cool with gay people or not?" box so you can know youre safe with them. it sounds to me like youre conflating two different stressful issues. also, are you actually making progress with your therapist/psychologist? have you considered doing DBT or CBT to manage your social anxieties? both are very "building skills" focused, whether it be coping skills or learning how to manage your relationships & start new ones. would highly recommend it. as a person who used to have near rapid c-ptsd, hella anxiety, depression, OCD, etc., learning how-tos essentially on how to do people things was a HUGE relief for my brain, helped me feel more normal and adequately assess what was going on in the social realm and then correct behavior or assess more accurately dynamics. i am also another lesbian, if that helps you contextualize what i'm saying.

(Sorry in advance of these weren’t all your asks - they just sounded like they were from the same question to me)

Thank you for taking the time to reach out and write this out for me. Your concern is really appreciated and you have a wonderfully kind heart 💕 I’ll try to answer each of these in parts. But I have to apologise in advance because while you bring up some wonderful points and ask a lot of good questions I’m worried I won’t be able to answer them properly- so I’m really sorry.

1) I think I conflate the two because in my personal experience they go hand in hand. Be it people I’ve tried to date, the lgbt community as a whole, or just friends (straight or lgbt) I’ve run into problems with my sexuality. It probably has made me paranoid and I’m definitely trying to work on it. But in all types of relationships in my life I have met a lot of hostility towards my sexuality. Or if not hostility then just loneliness or lack of people in that role.

2) I don’t know if I’m making progress. I would like to think I am but I guess this blog within itself is reason enough to point that maybe I haven’t. I think I have a lot of different things to unpack and while I’m trying the best that I can I’m probably not making as much progress as I should at this point. But I’ll try as hard as I can to communicate this with the mental health professionals in my life and hopefully we can work something out. ☺️🌻

3) I think you are very right! I’m very on edge and triggered and stressed lately so I’m sure that’s contributing to the whole spiral down. Thank you very much for the suggestion! Once I’m done answering things on here I’ll splash myself with some cold water. Hopefully that calms my brain down a bit

4) I feel like I don’t know what to say here other then agree ahaha. I have a horribly small window of tolerance. I’ve been trying to work on it for years with my psychologists but I don’t think it’s gotten much better. It’s like I’m waiting for proof that it’s okay to open up. I think in some areas I’ve improved (like with food) but sexuality is such a raw nerve for me a lot of the time that I don’t really know how to deal with that yet. But I really hope to get there one day :)

5) I feel like I genuinely can’t apologise enough to those of you who have been affected by my venting posts. It was wholeheartedly never my intention to trigger anyone or upset anyone or make anyone unhappy with their sexuality. I don’t have people I feel like I can talk to about this stuff irl - and even if I did I wouldn’t want to be dumping this on them all the time. But I can see it’s affecting a lot of people on here two. I would recommend for those who are hurt to unfollow me , or for me to just say it’s okay to unfollow me and walk away , it’s okay to prioritise yourself. But I need to take accountability for the pain I’ve caused too. I might just hop off tumblr for a couple of days so I’m not posting anything that’s upsetting anyone. I think it was ignorant of me to expect my TW to be enough and I should have been more aware of the larger number of people following me and not put those types of vents on their feed. So I am truly sorry for anyone I have upset and triggered. I promise to try better.

I would put my posts under the read more thing but I’m on my phone via the app when I use tumblr and I genuinely cannot figure out how to do it. I’ll look into it more though and try to work it out so I can make it a safer place for people.

Thank you again so so so much for taking the time to write this all out for me and give me your support and guidance. It really means an awful lot. I hope you have a really lovely day 💕💕💕🌻

[thisisntapainting]

Living with Chronic Suicidal Thoughts

"If you don't want it, please, could you just spit it out : 'Cause I can't take much more of this messing around" -Spit, Slutever

WARNING: Ok, seriously, if you didn't read the title, this deals with suicidal thoughts and whatnot. This also talks about trauma, mental illness, and the related. Viewer discretion is, well, advised.

It's been a problem since I was in elementary school, and like a nasty birthmark in a place you don't want one to be, it just never goes away. It's made me go to therapists, hospitals, anywhere, desperate measures from school and parents alike. A demon that haunts the shoulder, and a stain you just can't get rid of on your plate.

Every day, the thought comes along, about if I ended my own life. Every single day, sometimes less than other days, sometimes more casually than in those crisis days I have. But it still comes around a lot, and it's, well, a problem, but a problem that I don't think would ever go away. I know what causes it most times, but I always end up saying I don't know why if somebody asks, because the cause would take more than one sentence to explain. But every day it comes, and every day I consider commiting self-unalive.

It's like a solution to every problem that comes up. Room is messy? Dad's mad at me for it? I could clean it up, or I could just hang myself here and save him the college bills. Same old, same old. But I also don't ever end up acting on this, or hurting myself, or at least, not anymore. I get dangerously close to those edges, but never enough to actually do anything. I scream into the interwebs voids of whoever could listen to me that day of wanting to die, but nothing ever results. That's probbaly why I haven't had any more intensive care for my suicidal thoughts -- they're just thoughts. Thoughts and ideas by themselves cannot kill. Maybe these thoughts are a security blanket, because no matter what happens, at least I have a way out -- death!

Or a security blanket away from my past. My traumatic experiences have left me more disabled than I already was with genetic disabilty. I don't usually post about my mental disorder diagnosis list, but since it's relevant -- Autistic people are much more likely to develop C-PTSD. As a quick fresher, for those who don't know, C-PTSD is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and is traumatic from a series of never-ending events that make somebody feel trapped, or something like that. Again, it has disabled me more than anything else ever would be able to. I would probably be normal enough to not even run this site if it wasn't for the alienation, the pain, the everything that C-PTSD hands me and tells me to go fuck myself with. The worst part is knowing it isn't really my fault I have C-PTSD, and the people who caused it are either long dead, my family, or both. No apologies. Fuck.

But in the last few years, my chronic suicidality has been getting better, and mostly in the last year or so. I've adapted a new mindset to combat this general cloud of illness -- I go through with a positive nihilism. Nothing in life matters, but that isn't a bad thing. It's actually really cool, because since it doesn't matter, I can stop giving a fuck about what bothers me, and boom, it no longer bothers me anymore. Literally just stop caring. I have the image right next to this in my wallet for a reason, a constant reminder -- I (usually) am able to stop things from hurting me now. Literally just stopped caring.

In addition, I have a slight list of other things here, and if you identified to this article, I think you can also try these.

- If it's avaliable, when I feel an episode coming on, I go to the nearest water fountain, and just splash cold water on my face. It interupts the head. Learnt this in group DBT when I was still in group DBT.

- Above anything else, distract. Distract yourself from those thoughts until the distraction overtakes the thought and it goes away. Copes are up to you -- I just hop on ROBLOX or watch Vinesauce. Specifically Vinesauce.

- Unironically the "name five things you can see, four you can touch" ect. thing works in the short-term.

- Above all, this is a waiting game. You just have to make it through the bad times to get back to the epic awesome times. You can do this! Lobster believes in you.

This probably comes off as a public vent, a pity party. It is a vent. I am allowed to be open about these things sometimes, as a treat. It is ok to shout into my personal void of a site as well. Again, if you identify with these thoughts, there is help. There is better times. As a closing note, while I do not avocate for going to therapy anymore for personal reasons, that is also an option, and it works for some people. I don't have much else to say, but reader, know that I love you like I love the rest of this world. I love you for even taking the time to visit my site, even if it was just the index and nothing else interested you. Having a stage to act and write like this is a gift. I love you. ❤

[citricsystem-moved]

Hi lol

I found an old note in our phone and it made me cry (not neg.) and I wanted to ramble about it because it’s interesting

We were diagnosed with psychosis before DID, so some of the stuff is subjectively “creepy.” If any of that bothers you tw for below

(also it’s super long)

For context I’m Jace, I’m the current adult life host for my system.

I became an active host in highschool around 2016, and we didn’t get diagnosed with DID until 2019.

I have little to no memory of our childhood except for our trauma, but despite that Lee says I’ve always been around. He remembered me as an “imaginary friend” perceived as a big brother who helped him out a lot.

One time we spoke with an old friend of ours, who we knew since elementary school. She told us stories about the camping trips her and (technically) Lee would go on together.

During one of the stories it hit me like a ton of bricks, I did used to front when we were kids. She said,

“It was always so weird when you slept over. You’d do this thing where you’d sleep with your eyes open, if we asked you to do something you’d do it, but you never responded/talked to us-“

“-eventually you’d close your eyes and go back to sleep, but when we’d ask you in the morning you didn’t remember doing it at all.”

And Lee still doesn’t remember what she was talking about, he remembers the trips she brought up and what they did during them. But not all that weird stuff.

Before I got us diagnosed, I spoke with my prior therapist about my symptoms. I was already aware of our C-PTSD, so he mentioned DID could be a possibility, but he didn’t want to say for sure. He gave me a couple resources to look at, which eventually lead me to try and communicate with anybody that might be in my head.

The first time I was able to hear Lee “clearly” I was so scared I threw up and called my bsf in a panic at 2am (lmao)

I was so used to the hallucinations, to forcing myself to be rational- even if it was after the fact. But that experience was so real and jarring I couldn’t handle it and “woke myself up” to run away from it all.

To paraphrase my note I jotted down; his voice sounded like he was speaking through a fan (you know, that thing kids did that made it sound funny), and every time he spoke my head would throb so hard and violently I could hear it against my eardrums. We overlapped each other, it was so obviously two streams of thought, and even through the weird voice he sounded scared. Most of what he said I couldn’t make out, because of the throbbing in my head.

Looking back I think it was what I did make out that made me panic. I’m sure anybody with auditory hallucinations would of, no matter how desensitized you were. He said, “-out of my head,” and “stop, you’re in my head,” and he sounded just as panicked as I was.

It felt like a horror movie, except my trusty anti-hallucination cat never reacted.

Eventually, I did it again. And again, and again, until he sounded normal and we were standing in that living room I burned into my brain as an “inner world.”

After that we both meant Harlow, and as soon as we did another ton of bricks hit me.

This one’s more funny I promise.

I fucking spoke with Harlow all the time.

Looong story short, I practice witchcraft, I “spoke” to something when I was down, panicked, in a tough spot, etc. I considered them a deity of sorts, but by no means worshipped them, just “worked” with them. It was never like they spoke back to me, it was always more like a feeling. But it helped, they always seemed to sooth me and guide me in the right direction.

Once I felt (heard isn’t the right word) them call themselves ‘Apollo,’ and since I’m from Greece, I was just like. Okay that can work.

Apollo

Apollo

Harlow

Apollo

Harlow.

I brought this up with him last year, when we first started attending therapy with someone who specialized in trauma related disorders. And this motherfucker just smiled.

He has yet to confirm or deny anything. But considering he’s a fucking wolf fox kitsune looking thing, I don’t doubt it was a  coincidence at all.

Lol sorry this was long, but I find looking back at this sort of stuff really interesting.

Because of how me and Lee divvy up our childhood I always end up doing the research and deep drives into our disorder to keep him away from what he can’t handle. But I love filling him in on what I find out and how I connect dots. Since he’s been dormant I don’t really have anyone to gush to since most of my other headmates don’t relate that far back in our lives.

Anyways if you made it this far send me any fun system ‘connect the dots’ or stories you have.

This shit tickles that itch in my brain ya know

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

(Trigger warning: child abuse, sexual abuse, rape. There was a lot of messed up in my life)

Hello. I need some advice. Is it bad to be unable to feel anger or hatred towards the people that have hurt you? For context, I am a grown man now, but I was abused pretty much my entire life. My father was physically abusive and he beat me terribly from when I was 3 years old until I was 5. After my mom divorced him, my uncle took his place with that. I was then raped and physically and emotionally abused all through college, by a guy who fell in love with me and hated both me and himself for it. Some of the things he did to me could easily be considered torture and it is way too hard for me to think or talk about it, so I will just leave it at that.

After I finished college, I managed to get myself out of the cycle of abuse, I found a good job, got married and my life is fine now. My mind never quite recovered though and I am constantly haunted and tormented by my past, through nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks and so on. I went to a psychiatrist eventually who diagnosed me with C-PTSD. I spent years in therapy and most recently, he told me the reason why I am not recovering, in his opinion, is because I am unable to 'realse the rage I hold inside.' The problem is that I feel no rage and I don't know how to explain that to him.

I am a Christian and I believe that the bad things people do have nothing to do with the people themselves. Sin can make even the kindest person seem evil. I separate in my mind the people who have hurt me from their actions, and I hate what they did to me, not them personally. Many people have told me that is stupid and I need to hate them in order to heal, and now my therapist wants me to feel a rage I do not have. But even when I was a child and a teenager, and these things were happening, I never felt any anger or hate. Just fear, pain and a terrible sadness, which is what I still feel even now.

What can I do? Is this normal or wrong? Am I an idiot, am I too kind? Thinking of this constantly makes me feel so conflicted to the point where I can't function properly anymore. I hope you can help.

I really like your blog, btw, and I would like to thank you all for everything you do to help people like me. Much love,

Paul

Hey Paul,

I'm so sorry you went through all of this. It's absolutely awful that this happened to you, and you didn't deserve any of it.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not feeling angry towards your abusers or other people who have hurt you. It can be hard to explain this to a therapist, because they generally have an idea of how healing works, and sometimes can't accept that not everyone follows this path. While it is important not to bottle your feelings, there's nothing wrong with not having them in the first place.

When my parents divorced, I was thirteen. Both of my parents and my therapist refused to believe that I wasn't upset about this. I genuinely wasn't, I was just relieved at that point, but all three of them had internalized the idea that children of divorced parents feel sad or angry so much that they couldn't understand that I didn't. I know that isn't the same as what you're going through, but I do know how it feels; I was told by that therapist the entire time I saw her that I needed to unbottle my sadness, and her focus on something that wasn't an issue prevented me from working on things that actually were. I was only able to get past this by finding a new therapist, and if yours isn't willing to accept that you aren't angry, it might be worthwhile for you to do the same.

I also have never been able to feel angry towards my abuser. He hurt me, but he's also my father, and as much as I wish I didn't I do love him. I've also worked through a lot of guilt that I had simply because I didn't hate him, as well as my own anger towards myself for not hating him. I definitely understand how conflicting this all can be, and I'm sorry you're going through it.

Like you said, what your therapist thinks is only their opinion--it's a trained and professional one, but they're still a person capable of making mistakes and misreading things. Ultimately you're the only one who knows what you're feeling, and if anger isn't there, then anger isn't there. This isn't unhealthy or abnormal; everyone experiences healing differently, and while anger is a step in that process for a lot of people it is by no means a requirement for healing. Please note, however, that if you do become angry later on, this is entirely valid! Some people feel angry right after their abuse, some a great length of time later, and some never, and all of these are equally valid experiences.

I really hope this helps, Paul. Please know that whatever your experience is, it's valid. Healing from trauma is messy and is one of the most varied experiences there is, and there is no "golden standard" for what you should or shouldn't feel. Please feel free to reach out if there's anything else we can help with.

Stay safe,

Mod Henrie

[system-of-a-feather]

It’s chill if you can’t answer this/don’t want to answer it but I have a therapist who is unwilling to try brainspotting because of our DID, but your earlier post seemed to imply it’s a normal and helpful tool even with DID. Are there any resources or testimonies you can share to potentially show my own therapist about brainspotting with DID?

I mean I don't think it is necessarily the most "normal and helpful" tool in all cases. I think it is a bit experimental currently so I would say trust your therapist and their comfort zone as a clinician before you look back at my experiences and my therapist's comfort zone as a clinician.

I actually haven't read too much into brainspotting myself, partially on the account that I want to really come in as a patient perspective (for once) and not have my tendency to be really interested in treatment methods detract from my ability to actually be engaged in it. None of the statements I will be saying right now are going to be from scholarly or academic sources since, again, I have intentionally decided to not dig too deep into it. From the brief reading I did before agreeing to give it a go as well as discussions with my own therapist, it seems to be I guess "made" for a lack of better words by a psychologist by the name of Dr. David Grand [x] [x] [x] and it is a bit of a pioneering treatment to PTSD and C-PTSD. Brainspotting is often compared to EMDR, it seems to be a lot less over stimulating and over whelming and tends to be a lot less risky for people with dissociation [x].

With that being said, it really is only really discussed as a "better alternative to EMDR" for people who have complex trauma and mind find EMDR too "strong" or overpowering. This comes with the implication that Brainspotting can still be too much / overwhelming for a patient as well, albeit that it would likely be less overwhelming than EMDR.

It's a relatively new form of treatment with research supporting it as another "power therapy" (2003 based on a quick not checked google search, compared to 1987 with EMDR) and considering how poorly researched DID can be, I don't think there is sufficient information to firmly say if it is best / ideal or not.

Additionally, from what I've discussed with my therapist on it and his training / certifications on it, it seems as though there is a lot of nuance and specialized training for doing brainspotting with patients with complex trauma / DID. He also mentioned that the specialized training sessions that he did and took leave for didn't really satisfy him / make him confident so he took a few months to independently seek out more information and training with expert specialists before offering to work with it with me to make sure he was prepared and knew what he was doing to keep me also safe.

As it is, I can't say too much since I didn't read extensively into it and mainly read only enough to get the idea and concept understood on my end then just trusted that my therapist knew what he was doing before starting it.

If your therapist is uncomfortable doing brainspotting, it's honestly probably valid and there is probably a reason (may she think it is too experimental / unclear on how it works with DID or lack of confidence that her training matches up to what she might face with a patient who has DID and brain spotting, or having not been trained specially for Brainspotting and DID) and I would trust her personal judgement on it considering brainspotting is also very much dependent on the capabilities of a therapist. If she doesn't feel like it would be a good idea, she is probably trying to be responsible in the sense that she does not think she could do you justice / keep you safe while doing it.

If you are still interested in it, I would still recommend bringing it up with your therapist and discussing your thoughts and feelings about it and see where that goes - at least given you trust your therapist which I am assuming. If you don't trust your therapist entirely and still want to try, you could always seek out another therapist to test the waters with.

Also do take everything in this post with a grain of salt. I have said it a number of times, but this is not an academically researched explanation / description of brainspotting as much as a briefly google searched and "word of mouth from my therapist" explanation / description of brainspotting and I may be partially / entirely wrong.

-Riku (Host)

[hms-chill]

A Channel of Your Peace

Summary: Following Henry being outed, the election, and the end of the book, Henry and Philip slowly start to fix their relationship. There’s blood that can’t be unshed, but there’s also a chance that things could get better.

Chapter 1: Make Me an Instrument of Your Peace

Chapter 2: Where There is Hatred, Let Me Sow Love

Chapter 3: Where There is Offense, Let Me Bring Pardon

Chapter 4: Where There is Doubt, Let Me Bring Faith

Chapter 5: Where there is Despair, Let Me Bring Hope

They're halfway through their tea and biscuits when Philip says, "what do you think Bea will say?"

"About the charity, or the baby?" They've been talking about both, and Henry's had to reassure Philip that the charity is a good idea at least three times. He's still worried, and probably will be until it actually gets launched and he gets to help people, but he seems to be a bit less worried about it by now.

"Both, I suppose. She... I think she's more angry with me than you were. She's probably the angriest of anyone, except maybe Alex, but he was mostly mad for you, and I... I don't think he hates me after tonight. But Bea... she's mad for you, but also for herself. I was awful to her."

"I mean, none of us were particularly wonderful to each other."

"Yes, well. You two were. You looked after each other, and I just made it worse. I know the two of us have sort of maybe made up a bit now, but I'm not so sure about her. She gave me quite the talking-to when she dragged me out of that meeting with Gran, about how awful I'd been to you and how much work I had to do if I ever wanted to be close to either of you again. She was right, of course, because she's always right about things, and I think I've done better, but I worry she's still upset with me. I just want things to be, you know, at least alright? I don't need her to be my best friend or anything, but I'd like her to not be mad at me. And I know I have to do better, but I... I'd like her to like me again."

"You have done better. You're working on it, and I... that's all I could ask, at least. And if I'm honest, I think she wants things to be alright, too. It's a bit harder for her, because I think she's worrying about me and if I'm happy and comfortable, too. I haven't really talked to her about it so I can't say for sure, but I think she wants to make sure I don't feel like I'm loosing her. So she's dealing with her emotions and her interpretation of my emotions, and that's just sort of a lot to work through, you know?"

"I... I think so. She's such a good older sibling," Philip says. He sighs, his head sinking into a hand as he rubs his forehead. Henry just nods.

"She is. And I think if anyone we know can teach you how to look after someone who's having a hard time, either as a parent of as someone who's helping them get help, it would be her. I could do my best, and I'm sure Martha and Mum have their own ways of helping, but Bea... Bea just knows what to do. I don't know if it's something she learned at NA or something, but she... every time I'm upset, she's known how to fix it. So I can do my best to help you know how to be a good dad, but I think she would be better."

"But she... I don't know what she thinks of me," Philip tells his cup of tea. "What if I try to talk to her, and she just tells me I'll be a shit dad? Or that she thinks I'm just stealing her iea for a charity, and she won't help, and then it all spirals out of control? And I know-- I know she probably won't say any of that, but what if she thinks it? What if... I just want her to like me. Or, at the very least, just... just not hate me."

"I don't think she hates you. Not anymore, at least."

Philip looks up at that, actually looking surprised. "You don't?"

"No. I don't think she's hated you for a while."

"Really?"

"Really. I think... I think she wants to be friends again; she's just not sure she can trust you. And that's... you know, you'll just have to show her that she can. But you can't show her she can trust you if you won't talk to her."

"I'm just afraid I'll mess it up. I... I don't know how to fix things, not with everything that's happened. I... you didn't hear this, at least I don't think you did, but when she went to rehab the first time, I... I was awful to her. I remember screaming about how she'd made me come back, because all I wanted was to be away from all of it. It hurt so much to see you and her and Mum and Gran all falling apart, and when I was deployed, I could just... I shut it out. I shut it all out, just pretended it wasn't happening and tried to move on. I pretended everything was normal, but when I had to come home to look after her I had to face it all. And she took the brunt of all of that. All my grief, and my anger, it all just exploded that day. It's... I don't remember what I said, but she and I had this screaming match while you and Pez were out doing something, just going at each other with all the hurt we'd both been trying to ignore. I wanted... I wanted her to hurt as much as I was, and I couldn't understand that she was hurting the same way. That night, when she checked herself out and the two of you came back here together, she... she found me the next morning and told me that I was part of why she'd left rehab, and that if I ever wanted to help anyone, I'd never treat them like I'd treated her ever again. And then she went, but it... she said it was because you loved her, not because I yelled at her. She's the one who made me at least acknowledge that Dad was gone. It... I remember not knowing how to grieve for him. Because you two were close to him, but I... I wanted so much to be the good son, and the good heir, and I knew I had this role that he didn't... I don't know if he understood. So I spent a long time feeling like I wasn't good enough for him, and wanting something he couldn't give me, so when I was trying to grieve him it felt like I wasn't... like I didn't deserve to. Like you two deserved to be sad, but I didn't, because I still had to be the good heir and the man of the family, so I couldn't be sad. I don't know if any of this makes sense, please tell me you haven't been listening." His face is red, and he's studying the wood grain of the table like his life depends on being able to perfectly re-create it. His hands are in front of him, though, so Henry carefully reaches over to grab one. Philip starts, then looks up.

"Have... have you ever considered seeing a therapist? I know they made us all go to a session or two with the grief counselor after Dad died, but I mean a more permanent therapist."

"I didn't think I needed to."

"It might help. You don't have to, obviously, I'm not going to make you, but it... they might be able to help you process things and not be so worried all the time. Our lives have always been so public, and all our problems feel so exlposive, but losing Dad especially was... it was hard. Things aren't supposed to happen like that; it wasn't something we were ready for, any of us. And even now, there's a lot on all our plates, but yours especially, I think, especially with the baby. Sometimes, at least for me, it's nice to have someone to share the load a bit. And as much as Martha or I might want to help, and we do, I think maybe if you can find a good therapist, they might be better. They'd be able to help more like Bea can help people. If... if you want, I can help you find one."

"Do you really think it would help? I don't... I..." Henry can see the wheels turning in his head. "I always sort of thought I wasn't the kind of person to need therapy. I had to be the one who didn't, because if I was put together and everything I thought I had to be, then you and Bea could go to therapy and fall apart and it wouldn't matter as much. So I've been just shoving things down and ignoring them ever since Dad died, but maybe... do you think someone could deal with all that? I don't... I was awful to the two of you. I don't want to be awful to a baby, too. Martha doesn't deserve that, and neither does he."

"I think, if we find the right person, they can help you deal with it. They might not be able to take care of all of it in nine months, but you could at least get started."

Philip considers, then nods. "I... can you help me? I don't know anything about therapy. I know the RAF has therapists, but they're for people with PTSD and combat-related things, and that's not really me. How do I even find someone?"

"I can text my therapist and see what he thinks, or if he knows anyone, but--"

"You text your therapist?"

"Yeah. I think it's a work number, but sometimes he texts me pictures of dogs or other things he thinks I'll like. And he might be up now, since he's in New York. I found him through the shelter, since he works there and I wanted to help kids realize going to talk to him isn't a bad thing, but he's actually really cool."

"I didn't... I thought for therapy you just go lie on a couch and don't look at the person."

"I... mine isn't like that, at least. There might still be people who do it that way, but mine is a bit more fun. Sometimes he shoots me with nerf guns, or like I said, he sends me pictures of dogs. Once he brought it a cupcake and made me eat it because his daughter made it and he wanted to tell her a royal ate her food."

Philip looks surprised, but he agrees to let Henry ask his therapist about things that Philip could look for. Then, they sit hunched over Henry's phone as the dregs of their tea go cold. Henry's therapist texts them back to say he's proud of Philip and with a list of things he could look for, and when Philip eventually is yawning enough that Henry feels guilty for keeping him up, they've got a list of therapists for their security teams to vet and for Philip to try. When Henry gently pulls the pillow out of Alex's arms and slips himself in its place, he's exhausted, but he's also more excited for Philip than he has been in a long, long time.

On AO3

Notes:

Shoutout to revisions for doubling the length of this (still pretty short) chapter, and to my local city council for considering our demands so I didn't have to protest tonight and could get this out! I'm still taking commissioned fic with proof of donation to a BLM organization or a community aid/bail fund if y'all want me to write anything.

[bigskydreaming]

Hey feel free to ignore this ask if it's too personal, but could you explain more about how ADHD can help you check out from/survive abuse? Because as someone recently diagnosed who also had an abusive childhood, that sounds very familiar, I am definitely curious about that. Again, ignore this ask if it makes you uncomfortable, and thanks for posting so much about ADHD, it's literally because of recognizing myself in your post that I brought it up to my therapist who diagnosed me lol

No problem! As far as I’m aware, we’re mostly in the realm of more theory than hard confirmation because its not really something you can get much data on other than anecdotal, and when we’re talking the really young end of the showing-signs-of-ADHD spectrum and also in terms of regular or at least persisting experiences with abuse, all that anecdotal data isn’t gonna be current and empirical, its more than likely going to be years old.

So, all that said, my understanding as its been explained to me, is C-PTSD, or complex PTSD, which is technically what I have as it stems all the way from early childhood, like....it literally affects the hardwiring of our brain. When the abuse or trauma occurs early enough in life that the brain is actively in its developmental stages still, the resulting brain patterns and neural pathways of say, an abused kid pretty constantly living in a heightened state of fear or wariness, like....they’re going to be different than those of a kid who thankfully has lived a fairly sheltered life.

This is where things like hyper-vigilance come from.....I’ve had it as long as I can remember, because like, its essentially our fight or flight instinct dialed up to a constant eleven.....and since that’s pretty much where it was for me back when my brain was still developing, that ended up solidifying as my ‘default’ setting, pretty much. That level of vigilance WAS my normal, so my brain by the time it finished developing, was hardwired to TREAT that as normal. 

And thus, anything that would trigger a fight or flight response in most people, for me is just.....amped up more than it is for most people. Like, its literally just having more of a hair trigger, being quicker to leap to that physiological and mental response and state of mind....and at a heightened intensity.

My point in going into all of that is to illustrate just one of the many ways childhood abusive experiences can actively affect and shape our developing brains. Someone like me, our trauma quite LITERALLY leaves a lasting impression, because the pathways in my brain that developed as what my brain considers normal, or regular, or just another Tuesday....are geared around the fact that while my brain was developing, Tuesdays pretty much sucked giant donkey balls. 

Like, the trauma isn’t just bad memories, the trauma is why someone else hears a car door and their brain goes “oh Mom’s home,” whereas I hear a car door and my brain goes “quick, hide in a closet.” My childhood experiences and C-PTSD literally trained and hard-wired into my brain that this IS normal. that this IS the appropriate, safe, sane response to that stimulus.

Now, where the ADHD comes in, is when I was trying to focus on a single task and get it done? Yeah, it could and still can be a pain and get in the way of that happening. But by the exact same token.....if the only thing in front of me at the time or situation I was immersed in wasn’t something I needed to accomplish, but rather just...an actively unpleasant experience....here’s where my brain’s tendency to take unscheduled vacations no matter WHAT’S going on in front of me or around me, like....was likely an active asset to me.

Because by making it unlikely or even impossible to keep my attention focused entirely on how much a situation might have sucked for me, no matter how bad it was or how long it lasted....the hard-wiring that otherwise would have happened according to the blueprint that situation was mapping out for my brain and attention was interrupted. So it just didn’t happen.

Obviously, this didn’t happen every time, or otherwise I wouldn’t have C-PTSD, but if that’s what was happening at all, to any degree, it means what my brain ended up set at as considering ‘normal’ ended up not being AS dominated by simply traumatic experiences as it otherwise might have. 

The sheer fact that I’m as likely to get distracted even from intense pain as I am from a task I’m trying to accomplish means that instead of JUST the abuse and trauma taking the clear lead and being the only defining influence in the matter of shaping my developing brain and neural pathways....my brain ended up being the end result more of a random sampleage, as befits the way my usually scattered focus is just as likely to land on anything else and fixate, as it is on just an extremely crappy situation or experience.

So, in essence, even though I’ve got plenty of even physiological lingering after-effects of childhood abuse, let alone bad memories....its entirely possible that if not for my ADHD, I would have ended up with more. And I mean, frankly, I have enough to deal with in terms of the after-effects I do actually have, lol, so I’m pretty happy to not have even more on top of or besides that.

Hopefully that made enough sense to follow, and helps you in some way or maybe put certain things from your own past in a different context or perspective.

[sanguinemcinere]

I feel it’s important to note that I do not and cannot ship Malcolm and Eve. There are plenty of ships in regards to all of my muses that I’ve never really considered or don’t ship but am open to exploring. 

This canon ship ain’t it. And it’s a good part of the reason my Malcolm is canon divergent. I’ve already reblogged a post from my main blog in regard to my feelings on what Mal’s therapist did and how it made me so disgusted and angry. 

I don’t like how forced and rushed it is, I don’t like that Malcolm apparently abandoned all rational thought and jumped the first pretty lady he spoke to. I don’t like that he used Eve in an attempt to make himself feel better. I don’t like that Eve went along without despite already deceiving and using the Whitly family. 

It genuinely makes me feel physically ill and so I really just cannot write it at all. 

I know it seems silly but part of the reason I want to write Malcolm is the connection I feel to him in regards to our mental health. I too have depression, generalised anxiety disorder and C-PTSD. Whilst I don’t have night terrors I do have frequent nightmares. As such seeing his therapist - who as a reminder is actually a CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST and only sees Malcolm because he refuses to see anyone else - go all Freud and make everything about sex really got under my skin. The idea of ‘just have sex it’ll make everything better and it’ll make you feel normal’ is so deeply harmful. Malcolm - like most people with C-PTSD, including myself - struggles with relationships, struggles with intimacy and trust. It’s super difficult for us to be intimate with anyone, let alone be the type to easily hop into bed with someone (no shaming there btw, I just mean casual sex ain’t something you’ll find most C-PTSD sufferers engaging in) with someone we don’t know/barely know. Not unless there’s also underlying hypersexuality. 

So yeah I don’t want to be that bitch and throw around the word ‘triggered’ but it really did make me feel super upset, distressed and nauseous whenever stuff related to their relationship was shown/brought it. So for my own sake I won’t be shipping it, Malcolm’s relationship with Eve will be purely platonic here. 

[morethanithoughtofficialblog]

Chapter 13: I'm sad because I'm depressed and I'm depressed because I'm sad.

In which Sans remembers why he doesn’t talk about his feelings anymore.

*Sans's POV*

"Do you, by any instance, have suicidal thoughts?"

"i... not that often"

"But you have?"

"i would be lying if i say no"

Papyrus asked (Y/N) yesterday God-knows-what and he ended up knowing what a psychiatrist and a psychologist are, and here I am, talking with a psychiatrist. My brother said that it would be better if I had a new treatment started by a professional on the topic and not by a random monster that calls itself a doctor. Considering that in the Underground we only had general doctors, it was difficult to talk about these matters and get the help needed. Therefore, this seemed like a better option.

Papy spent the night (and this morning) looking for the best option to me, considering that discrimination it's still present. And so he went, asking multiple people if they were open to listen a depressing skeleton being depressed (he obviously didn't say it that way... I think). And so he finally found someone willing to help me, and we head off as soon as possible (hell, we didn't even eat... should I say I'm hungry?)

"Do you have a specific plan to commit suicide, Sans?"

"uh... no?"

"YOU DON'T SOUND SO SURE, BROTHER"

"it's just... i haven't thought about it that deeply. i just sometimes think that i want to disappear and that's it. no idea how, no idea when. just disappear.

"I see..."

The old man went over his little notebook and wrote something down. He was bald and had a white beard almost as pale as my skull, and had a sternum and serious look behind his rectangular glasses. He would be intimidating... if he wasn't a psychiatrist willing to help a monster. How bad could this man possibly be?

"Sans, do you sleep well? And I mean at nights"

"no, sir. i haven't been sleeping well since last year. i mean, i can easily fall asleep, but it's difficult to me to stay that way."

"I see, do you nap at day?"

"heh, a lot if you ask my brother"

"Ok..."

I freaked out for a moment, returning to an odd silence only filled by the sound of his pen writing down my weirdness. I became nervous, not knowing what he was going to ask next. But, honestly, I've been kind of unused to these unpredictable events the Surface has to bring. I was used to hearing the same dialogues and to say the same jokes, but know... everything it's fresh and new. It's scary, but quite a reliever.

"Ok Sans, do you by any chance have any specific dreams or nightmares?"

I froze and cough out the water I was drinking in shock. A quick flashback of the "Genocide Run" went all over my mind, the part of my brother dying repeating itself horribly. The empty look of that kid, the Judgement Hall being my new space... the kid giving up and resetting in front of my eyes, not before giving me a vengeful look.

"Sans? It's okay if you don't want to talk about it yet, but I need to know..."

I sighed, knowing that it was for the best. If I want to enjoy the future, I have to get rid of this fucking trauma.

"i... i do have specific dreams, sir. nightmares, actually. i... i don't want to mention them right now"

Papyrus let out a sigh in disappointment and I gave him a weak smile. I know he always wanted to know what's on my mind... but I just couldn't tell him at that moment. He smiled back to me, making me feel less pressured.

"Don't worry, Sans. We'll go step by step, no need to run all over the details. Still, the fact that you've been having constant nightmares of the same topic it's quite alarming, that's why I needed to know"

He then picked a piece of paper and scribbled some things down.

"This is for the drug store..."

He picked another one, not before drawing a small asterisk on the top.

"And this one is for you"

He then gave me the two pieces of paper and I glanced over them with Papyrus, curious about the medicines.

"In order to deal with your depression, Sans, you'll take a pill of Prozac (or fluoxetine) every morning, okay? I'll determine later for how much time"

We nodded, then glanced again at the paper, reading the next medicament.

"For your insomnia, Sans, you'll take a pill Restoril (or temazepam) every night before going to sleep. This is one of the best pills to not only falling asleep but also keeping you that way"

Before I could even nod, I noticed an uneasy look in the doc's face. I raised an... eyebrow, startling him for a second.

"I'm sorry" he stated, then sighed.

"IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG, DOCTOR?"

"Nothing it's just... the fact that Sans is having constant nightmares worries me. Do you also have constant flashbacks of said events?"

I slowly nodded, and his face got worst.

"DOCTOR? IS IT REALLY THAT BAD?"

"No, it's just... it breaks my heart to know that the Underground may not have been a better place than the Surface"

A better place?

"what do you mean, sir?"

"..."

He just sighed and gave me an apologetic smile, trying his best not to break down. I noticed he was on the edge of tears, and I felt panic running all over my body.

"Sans, there's a high chance you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or for short, PTSD"

"PTSD?"

"Yes, it's kind of a serious condition to deal with. It shows that Sans had a really traumatic event in his life, and it may seem impossible for him to have a normal life with all the fear he gained from that moment. Or am I wrong, Sans?"

I shook my head, and he gave me a sad smile. Just as he said, just as it is. I never thought it would be that serious, though.

"You'll take Zoloft (or sertraline) for that, Sans... but I also recommend you to go to a psychologist. I can directly put you an appointment with a friend of mine if that's what you want. What do you say? He'll be more than open to hearing your case"

Papyrus nodded excitedly, while I was not too sure. I felt like my normal balance would break down if I started to go to therapy... but then I looked to Papyrus again. I don't want him all worried about me, I want him to have a normal life. And for that, I also need to form a normal life myself.

"sure, may we have the address?"

"Sure, I'll give you an e-mail with it"

We gave the doctor a quick goodbye and a thank you, then head off to our home. I insisted to Papyrus that we could eat something first and relax, then go to the drug store. He groaned slightly and muttered a "lazybones" but took my offer.

When we arrived, though...

"Hello, my children! Where were you?"

Oh fuck.

I glanced over the living room and saw our small group of friends gathered cozily, including an almost smashed (Y/N), an annoying flower screaming, a suspiciously staring father, and more!

...I gulped, knowing I could never say the truth. (Y/N) is a new person in my life, the flower is a bitch, my father is another bitch, Undyne doesn't take anything seriously, Alphys takes everything seriously, Frisk is a dirty betrayer, Toriel worries too much, Asgore would go and make everyone check themselves with the therapist, Mettaton would go and check himself with a therapist, Napstablook would feel all sorry, and Arial would be highly disappointed.

...

Saying the truth sounds pretty awful at this point.

"OH, WE WERE AT THE DOCTOR, MOTHER!"

Oh crap

Papyrus seemed to notice my signal of begging help and came to the rescue immediately, never mentioning anything about a psychiatrist.

"SANS, BEING ALL STUPID, GOT SOMETHING STUCK IN HIS CHEST AGAIN!"

Ouch.

"yep. guess i need some spare ribs at this point, huh?"

Everyone groaned and so I successfully got away from the problem. I tried my best to keep my cool, but I easily spaced out a couple of times and ended up startling myself. They were doing rounds in Super Mario Bros., and (Y/N) seemed to be an expert on it, considering she was on World 6.

"Oh c' mon, when are you going to die?!" Flowey annoyingly exclaimed, foreshadowing a bit. I almost smacked him over before I saw Toriel's face, then I lost myself again on the videogame.

(Y/N) continued playing until arriving at the final castle. Surprising, to say the least. Everyone else was getting enthusiastic about her defeat, but it never happened. Instead, (Y/N) went to play all over again, making everyone groan.

"Oh my God, let us play as well!" Undyne roared, giving a death glare to the older human.

"You said you wanted me to prove how good I am..." She innocently answered, putting the controller aside.

"Ok, you've already proven yourself. Now, please, give us a chance this time" Frisk sighed in defeat, feeling vulnerable and probably fooled.

"Ok!" (Y/N) cheerily got up from the couch, then waved at Papyrus and me "Hi guys! Anything serious happened?"

Shit.

"IT'S NOTHING THAT CAN'T BE HANDLED, HUMAN!"

"I'm glad, how do you feel Sans?" She looked at me worried and made me feel like the worst person on Earth.

A huge part of me wanted to say the truth and confess my problems at that moment, but that was me feeling horrible. I always hated lying, but that's what my life has come to. At this point, I can barely feel sorry for lying...

Except on this topic.

I've always been sensitive with this stuff, and that's how Papyrus ended up knowing. It has become something really messed up that I want to let all the people I care about that I'm not okay. I want them to help me feel complete again. To feel safe. To have hope.

"Sans?"

"HUMAN... SANS... IS IT OKAY FOR YOU IF I TELL HER WHAT'S GOING ON? I TOLD HER SOME THINGS YESTERDAY AND SHE WAS REALLY COMPREHENSIBLE. BESIDES, MAYBE SHE CAN HELP US MORE WITH THE SUBJECT!"

I glanced over her, and she gave me a small and recomforting smile. Out of all the people, I never knew she would be one of those who know what's going on.

"If you don't want me to, Sans, I understand. Just know I'm here to support all of you, ok? And don't take that as an associate... but as a friend. I'm more than willing to help you out in any way I can... but that depends on you"

A deep pain went all over my soul, but then I nodded. If she was so understanding as Papyrus said she was when she heard what problem I have... maybe telling her a bit of detail won't hurt.

"we'll tell ya later, ok? now it's a little bit crowded"

"I understand, thanks for trusting me"

"thanks to you, kiddo"

Thanks to you...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Your POV*

It was a while after the small gathering ended, everyone having to go earlier than expected. I already attended my work-hunting business and find a convincing and small company. I sent them an e-mail, and so I'm waiting for them to text me back. But for now, more important things were on my head.

I feel really sorry about Sans's case, and how desperate Papyrus seemed yesterday when he told all about it. I suffer from some things as well, and I know it isn't easy. It's never easy to deal with yourself...

"HUMAN, SANS, SHALL WE DISCUSS NOW OUR LITTLE SECRET?"

Sans chuckled a bit and I nodded, preparing myself from what I was about to hear.

"OK, SO... YOU REMEMBER THE TALK WE HAD YESTERDAY, RIGHT HUMAN?!"

I nodded again, and he smiled and reassured his brother that he was in good hands. I giggled softly, and the short skeleton just scratched the back of his head out in embarrassment.

"I FOLLOWED YOUR ADVICE, AND I TOOK SANS TO THE MOST ACCESSIBLE PSYCHIATRIST I COULD!"

I smiled, glad that Sans accepted any help.

"What did the doctor diagnosed you, Sans?" I asked, hoping he would be the one answering me this time. After all, this is Sans's main problem, not Papyrus's. He tensed up a little but quickly relaxed as he remembered the presence of his brother there. He took enough courage silently, then spoke with that characteristic deep voice of his.

"depression, insomnia, and... well, something called ptsd, which is-"

"PTSD?!" I interrupted abruptly, not believing what my ears just heard. Sans having depression is hard to admit, but PTSD? Oh lord, what has this poor guy endured in his young life?

"uh... yeah, i... eh..."

Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap.

"Nonono, don't think that way, Sans. It's just... a bit surprising, coming for you. I never expected you to have such a problem, but I guess appearance is quite a bi... beach."

"BEACH?"

"Uh, yeah..." Please come with a good excuse, (Y/N) "You know, beaches may be all pretty on the photos, but the dangerous creatures and natural phenomenons they bring show that they are not that perfect. I guess that's the same for Sans. He easily can go on and hide perfectly with jokes and laughs, but that doesn't mean he's that careless nor happy on the inside... sorry for putting you that way, Sans"

"it's okay kid, i think i get it" he jokingly winked at me, noticing what I was going to say at first. I sighed, feeling pretty stupid at this point.

"Anyways... what has the doctor prescribed you, Sans?"

"this thing called 'prozac', another one called 'restoril' and the last one being 'zoloft'..."

Huh, I have all of those at home.

Maybe I can give him some, considering I have a ton of them...

"HUMAN! SANS MAY BE ON TREATMENT AND ALL, BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK LESS OF HIM! HE'S AN EXCELLENT MONSTER, EVEN IF HE'S WAY TOO LAZY, BUT HE'S A GOOD BROTHER!"

I saw a slight hint of blue hue spread all over Sans's cheekbones, and I assumed it was blush. I smiled softly, knowing that would be the kind of brothership I would want. Instead, I had the goddamn curse to have no brothers or sisters, and here I am. Alone.

"I would never think less of anyone by this reason, Papyrus" Then I came up with a wild idea, but that mind instantly approved. My smile grew bigger, and I continued "Actually, now that you're confessing me something quite touchy... I guess I should do the same. It may help you to feel a bit more comfortable, Sans"

He raised an eyebrow and I returned to my soft and small smile, preparing myself...

Now that I was thinking about it, it was a bad idea. It was a bad idea to show my weak points, to show my problems, and to show how vulnerable I actually am. But that didn't stop me. And it will never do.

"I... besides from dealing with, well, anxiety, I also suffer from depression..." His eyes widened and tensed up, staring at me with the same shock I felt when he mentioned PTSD. I continued "I have insomnia as well, and... a psychiatrist said I probably had PTSD, considering some constant dreams I have..."

"i... how?"

What?

"i mean, how can you have all those things and still want to help others instead of yourself?"

I stared at him, dumbfounded. Then I sighed with a smile on my face, trying to feel as confident as I could.

"Making others happy is what makes me happy, Sans. And that's what I need the most..."

"To be happy"

[deadmomjokes]

Normal Anon Again 1: Your response was great, don't worry about a thing there. I just really feel stuck because Im still with my emotionally abusive family, and so I had to sneak to even see a doctor. I honestly felt like the doctor barely ever heard me at all, so even though she did prescribe an SSRI (not that she said what brand), I'm kind of scared to continue treatment with her. Because I made the notebook with a lot of care, she said I had OCD and did bring it up again later when I

had refuted it and tried to explain the notebook was just something I wanted to be well done for her. She didn't ever look at it either, so she based it off me buying little tabs and labeling them for ease of access and writing my name on the front I guess? I don't have a lot of money, as I don't have a job, and getting a job is the main reason I want to try medication... I basically have to move out by 2020 from my family, both by their desires and mine, so I'm on acrazy deadline to try to get my life together and I feel like I have no time to find someone new if I'm going to be looking to move away when all the apartments are renting. So it feels like if I want to try medication this is my one chance, but I don't feel like I can trust the doctor handling them. I don't know if I should just try to find a way to make my life work out for a couple months or give the medication a shot even though I don't trust the provider...I've got to worry about getting a job this month or being homeless too, which is why it feels so one or the other for my current situation. Thank you so much for all your feedback, sorry if this was a little messy being explained, I'm a bit frazzled yet, haha.

Oh man, I’m SO very sorry for everything you’re going through! You’re dealing with a ton, and this incident with Dr Garbage certainly didn’t help.

One thing that may be a possibility is going to a normal doctor, like a family medicine doc or general practitioner, and talking to them about your anxiety/depression problems. They can also prescribe psych medication, and it might be easier to pass off around your family and/or to find once you move, since a lot of offices partner or have networks that you can just transfer through. Anyone from a Nurse Practitioner to a PhD in general medicine can prescribe meds like an SSRI or even low-level mood stabilizers. (For my recently upped dosage, I went to a PA-C and they consulted with the folks at my obgyn, so I never even saw a psychiatrist. Tho I’m trying to get in with one anyway, but that’s way beside the point.)

I definitely understand you being unable to trust the current provider; she clearly didn’t hear you or take everything (anything?) into account. Anyone who comes to you from an emotionally abusive situation should warrant a ton of follow-up questions and in-depth probing. Even beyond that, just in general, taking stock of all the symptoms and reviewing any identified triggers is going to go a long way toward real diagnosis. Your notebook should have made her job a breeze, instead of her having to pick through your anecdotes of what happens when, she could just look at your notes! You were doing everything right; a therapist’s dream, honestly. I’ve been in therapy for years and I’m still not that good at keeping tabs on my own symptoms and patterns. I’m enraged on your behalf, because when someone comes to you for help you should reach back out to them, not be prescriptivist even if you’re dealing with prescriptions.

If medication is something you’ve been considering for a while, and feel like it might be a good fit for you, it may be worth trying the current prescription even though the current doctor is garbage, since SSRIs are usually the first try medications anyway. But that always comes with risks, because sometimes the first try doesn’t really work out for you or your specific situation. But SSRIs as a category are pretty safe, and are used for anxiety disorders (including panic disorder and generalized anxiety), ptsd, depression, and ocd as well. So chances are even if you found a psych who did their job well (aka not labeling you ocd for being prepared), they were going to land on an SSRI as a first try, too. That definitely doesn’t make it an easy decision, tho. That nagging fear may always be with you if you try it anyway despite not really trusting her diagnosis, and that could add a layer of complexity to deciding whether the medicine is right for you. Especially if you end up needing to switch medication or dosage, having a doctor you trust from the outset is going to be important.

I obviously cannot tell you what to do, nor do I want to, or even think I should if I could, because personal situations are just that--personal. I would only caution that if you’re already having difficulty getting or doing a job without medical assistance (ie medication), that trying it under serious stress for a few months may do more harm than good as far as worsening your difficulties, or causing new ones. However, sometimes we aren’t in the position to make the “best” decision for our health because living takes precedence; I’ve taken plenty of jobs that wrecked my mind and body and I kept them anyway because I absolutely had to. So I’m not going to get on a high horse because I know exactly how hard it is, and the difficult decisions you have to make in order to survive. I’m just so very sorry you are in that position to make such a decision.

If you do decide to try the medication anyway, some tips on kind of “going it alone” since you won’t be able to/won’t want to go back to the original doctor:

Start at a lower dose than the full final dosage. If she didn’t prescribe a “titration” schedule, starting at half dose for a week is a good place to begin.

Understand that things might get worse before they get better. You might have horrible mood swings, really bad depressive days, or bad anxiety spells before you start seeing the true effects. This isn’t indicative of whether the medicine is going to work eventually, but if it becomes too much for you to deal with, you should stop anyway.

Side effects may come and go. Just worth noting.

If possible, have someone close to you who knows that you’re starting this medicine. Obviously not a family member given your situation, but if you have a friend or anyone you do trust in your immediate vicinity, or even a friend you communicate with long-distance, make sure someone knows. That way you have someone to report in to and who can check up on you as you adjust.

Start by taking them with food, even if it doesn’t have a nausea warning. I’d suggest evening meal or soon thereafter, because SSRIs often cause drowsiness at first (great for helping with insomnia tho!).

You’re probably going to have a full month or two before it reaches its peak effect, since this is your first time trying them. You might see some relief right away, but full efficacy takes time as it builds up in your system. If you can tolerate the side effects (or don’t have any), and you’re able to deal with the mood swings or psychiatric effects, stick with it at least 6 weeks.

Listen to that “don’t drive or operate machinery” warning. First-time-medication drowsiness is a special breed that sneaks up on you and also makes you feel WEIRD.

You can also see about filling the prescription and then researching the name on the label before you decide whether or not to take it. Or, if you have an online account with the pharmacy, as with CVS, you can see the name of the drug there, or even call the pharmacy she sent it to and ask them what the name of it was (”for insurance purposes” or “because I forgot which one it was”) and then research it on sites like Mayo Clinic and rxlist.com (don’t do webmd). These websites include lists of what it’s approved to treat, so if you’re fairly certain you actually have anxiety/depression, look for that on the list. Just know that all websites are essentially required to remind you that an SSRI (really any antidepressant or mood stabilizer) could worsen any suicidal thoughts or behaviors, though this is mostly a risk for the 24 and under crowd with emphasis on teenagers. And it doesn’t happen to everyone.

Should you decide not to do the medicine right now because of the doctor who prescribed it, I applaud you for your bravery and strength in facing both your uncertain future and your mental/emotional difficulties without the assistance you feel you need. That’s a hard, hard thing to do, and I wish it wasn’t a choice you had to make.

I’ll be sending good vibes, thoughts, and prayers your way as you’re dealing with so many transitions and difficulties. I know cyber hugs are kind of a dated internetism, and may not mean much, but I give you all the cyber hugs my cyber arms can muster.

[celestiaphia]

Hi,

This post has nothing to do with my usual topics of religion, Greek mythology, or any of that. This is instead a super personal post and I don't really know why I'm putting it up other than I know I have friends on here and people who care about me.

I've been going through a difficult time in my life since this summer and that probably isn't going to change. Life itself is normal but I made the hugely important step of starting therapy specifically for developmental trauma. I don't exactly have Ptsd, maybe more c-ptsd but the specifics don't matter. The point is trauma is confusing and painful and it affects you in ways you didn't think were possible. I am still very early in this journey although my therapist keeps reminding me I've been making amazing progress. (what?? Really?)

I'm also transgender. In February of 2016 I started taking HRT to transition from female to male. I was born intersex and felt pretty comfortable with that but I wanted to live as male and I was absolutely thrilled to transition and I've felt so much happier since.

Except gender is confusing. And trauma is confusing. And who knew these things actually affect each other? (even if someone had told me this in 2016 I wouldn't have listened.) And now I'm lost and don't know who I am. Maybe I actually am a woman and I was running away from that because trauma? Maybe I'm just a queer as fuck person? Maybe I am male and that's okay too even if I am a little girly. I don't know. I have an appointment with my endocrinologist next week and I'm seriously considering lowering my hormone dose to try and figure out what the fuck I want right now. And this is terrifying.

Like I said I don't know why I'm posting this. Why not just write it in my private journal? Because sometimes posting things and knowing someone, anyone will read it feels good too. More than writing it to myself.

I don't remember what it was like when I first accepted I was transgender and started coming out. (thanks, trauma problems for giving me poor memory!) but I know it was probably as scary as this is right now. Except, I'm not coming out as a woman, or a man, or detransitioning. I'm just coming out as confused. That's really hard too though.

Thanks for reading.