#need someone who’ll give me balls of friendship

[jjkpls]

the wishlist (m) - 5

“She broke up with me.”

> genre : Angst, fluff

> pairing : jeon jungkook x reader (f)

> words : 4k

> content/warnings : back at it again w/ the bff2l; one sided love, lot of pining; explicit language; ambiguous infidelity; jjk heartbroken & crying; some wholesome flashbacks to make you swoon

previous - next

The next box arrives about a month or so later. You haven’t seen Jungkook in a while. He had been out of town, hopping from shop to shop, completing a series of long-awaited guest positions. 

He’s kept you up with his days and his appointments as much as he could, sending you dorky selfies, little videos of city landscapes you’ve never seen before, and exhausted late vocal notes made in tiny, with dragged on, mumbled words, to wish you luck and send you some courage for work. 

You did not expect that the day you’ll meet again, he’d be so different from the Jungkook you prefer and left a month ago.

It takes you a few seconds to realize. At first, you’re preoccupied with the sudden set of needles stinging your insides when you hear the peculiar sound of your front door being unlocked. There’s a very finite amount of probability that it’s not him, he's the rudest of your tiny group of friends and the only one that feels comfortable enough in your home to invite himself without any prior warning.

It’s him, your best friend and subject of too many of your both daily and nightly thoughts and preoccupations.

Once he appears in the door frame, with his heavy coat on his heavy XXL sweatshirt, in his heavy military pants, face turned down hidden by his hair, the magic thing, that grows so mysteriously quick. There’s the little explosion of warmth in your chest. The one that makes you smile tenderly without meaning to. He’s allowed to see how happy he makes you, as a friend anyway. Everybody smiles this way when he walks into a room.

Your eyes catch sight of a box, all white, that fits in his hand. Your eyes roll on reflex. You’re about to curse again. It’s not nice, you don’t want to, to attack him as soon as he returns to you but he’s asking for it, isn't he?

He’s still in the hallway, slowly slipping his shoes off, focus fixed on the present in his hand. The time he takes doing it and the seemingly seriousness you feel irradiating from his aura, confuse you.

Jungkook shakes his head twice, the way he does, kind of like a wet puppy would, before setting the box on the counter of your open kitchen.

It’s only when he starts walking towards you, that his head raises up, just a bit, enough for his eyes to meet yours through his hair. He has a tiny smile as a greeting. He looks really upset. 

He should be bouncing on the balls of his feet, he should be doing some TikTok cringe dance moves to make you laugh or yell some greetings in a dialect. He has a lot of peculiar, very Jungkook ways to celebrate meeting you again after a while. Even if neither of you has ever said the words, you do miss each other a lot when you can’t see each other, and the excitement that blooms during your reunions translates that. 

But he’s sad today. It’s obvious. 

When he takes a seat beside you on the couch, he avoids your gaze. You’re agape, watching him with probably too much insistence, a hand holding a spoon half-filled with yoghurt in the air.

These few moments are decisive. They’ll determine rather he’ll talk or not. Jungkook, for someone who cries easily, is not good with feelings and sharing them aloud. Sometimes he can, often he can’t. He’s told you not to worry about it before, that it was fine because sometimes he just didn’t need to, he just wanted a shoulder to lay his head-on. 

“You okay, Guk?”

He shrugs. You just have the time to catch his upper lip sucked in, a twinkle in his eye before he’s switching position, bumping into you and hitting his own shin against the coffee table like a giant dog, unaware of his own growth, would. Only to settle for an impressively tiny huddle against your side, cheek pressed to your shoulder. 

So that’s how it’ll be. 

It’s heartbreaking, torturesome. You always feel miserable when you know he’s sad but not knowing the reason makes it a thousand times worse. You might be the same vengeful kid you used to be. The one who’ll inquire straight away who made him cry and immediately went on her way to beat that reason up -it being another child or the troll of a tree that made him trip. 

Except you are grown-ups now. He knows he can deal with his problems on his own and he would probably not let you go and try to beat up everyone -he probably doesn’t believe you can too, even though he’d be wrong about that. 

Jungkook tears his hand out of his pocket only to mime you to turn up the volume of the television. You do so and the pretty hand is gone and if it wasn’t for his quiet sniffling and the heavy press on your side, you wouldn’t know he’s really here with you at all. 

Your heart hurts the whole duration of the shitty afternoon movie, even if having his warmth next to you helps a little. He leaves later the way he entered, mostly silently, only smiling a bit when you smooch the side of his head and squeeze his forearm in a wordless comforting effort.

Guk

Sorry for earlier

Guk

It was nice seeing you though

You

Don’t be sorry. Can you call?

Guk

Yes, in 5

The five minutes turn out to be twenty. You wonder, hoping to be wrong, how numerous those tears were that he needed twenty minutes to dry them. 

When he finally calls, voice quiet and throat dry, whispering through the phone straight in your ear, uneasiness settles deep and heavy in your stomach as you know, you were right. 

“What happened, Jungkook?”

He must not have heard you this soft and gentle for a while because you can hear a humourless chuckle you recognize as incredulity. He clears his throat a first time, inhales deep and has to clear it a second time before he can start, still choking out on a syllable or two. 

“She broke up with me.”

The gasp that escapes you, loud and obnoxious, could not have been faked. This news is hardly believable to you. First of all, because, to your greatest guilty despair, Jungkook and his girlfriend, who’ve been dating for almost a year, are probably the embodiment of The Power Couple. There’s no doubt, in all the people that know them, that they are meant to be. They look good together. They are on the same page, always, it seems. They’re beautiful and enviable, an example of a match from Heaven, healthy and aesthetic if that's even a mentionable point.

You can’t, even in your deepest, darkest fantasies, have imagined them to break up. 

But the thing that makes it all the harder to comprehend is that she is the one who did it. The girl is great. She’s beautiful, she’s smart and funny, so you heard. She has that glamour to her, with her dainty pretty milky hands and long thin milky neck, with her silky, shiny black locks wondrously floating over her shoulders. She is great, matches him well.

She is not that far behind him but she's still not Jeon-Jungkook-great.

How could she have broken up with him? Someone dumping him makes no sense to you. 

“That’s-“ You catch yourself before the words slip out clumsily. You’ve never really been talented at comforting people with words, especially a crying Jungkook which is the equivalent of your very own kryptonite. “I’m so sorry, Jungkook.” And you mean it. Even more so when you hear him snivel hard. You’ve never allowed yourself to, even just for yourself, in the quiet and discreet comfort of your own head, wish for that to happen. Because if there’s one thing that you want more than anything else, more than having him for yourself, more than your own fulfilment, it’s his happiness. And he was happy with Jiyeun. He’s got the girl he had a crush on for months and they went so well together. “But why? Did she give you a reason?”

You hate how eager you sound asking. The question is so pressing though. You wish to know so bad why, in what circumstances, Jeon Jungkook gets dumped. 

“She-“ There’s a sob he swallows back. “I know what you’ll say,” Your eyebrows dip low on reflex. You couldn’t imagine the reason. He must have really fucked up but Jungkook is not the kind to fuck up. Even when he’s annoying, even when his mindset on something turns a bit auto-centric, he’s too compassionate, he’s too considerate and loving, to suddenly stop wondering how the person facing him is feeling and act without care, hurt them, in any way. It’s just not his kind. So what did he do that even you’ll have a word to say about it. “Spare me because she’s done enough.” 

It takes another set of minutes for him to gather himself, find most of his voice back clear enough for you to decipher. You show yourself patient, not saying anything and leaving him all the time that he needs. In all honesty, in the darkness of your curtain closed bedroom, tucked comfortably in your mountain of pillows and blankets, with your phone stuck to your ear and just the quiet sound of his breathing and humming to himself to break the silence, but rock it rather than disturb it, it’s easy to be patient. Feels like an ASMR. A class A type of ASMR, his breathing to your ear could so easily lead you to sleep. 

“Yesterday, she came to welcome me back and-“ Rather than hurt, his tone sounds weakened by shame now. What the hell did he do? “She found the- the thing I brought for you today.”

The fucking idiot.

“Oh my God.” You feel instant nausea. It's not like you never thought about it. You wondered, multiple times, if she was aware that her boyfriend was buying you these. You never allowed dipping far in the questioning because what would be the point? Ultimately, it's his relationship. And it's his way of shaping your friendship. If she kept smiling pleasantly, asking politely, as she always would, how you're doing whenever you happened to cross her path, leaving his apartment, or visiting his shop, it was fine by you. It must have been fine by her. She might have known about it, or she might not, didn't really matter. Jeon Jungkook is a grown-ass man, who's allowed to make his own decisions, no matter if they make sense to you, or her, or whoever.

But he's a fucking idiot.

If she didn't know, if he didn't warn her, and now she's mad after learning about it, and he's surprised and he's sad then he's a fucking idiot.

“She asked if it was for her, I wasn’t gonna lie!” Fantastic. He's passed the shock, soaked in wrath now. That was quick.

"For fuck's sake, Jungkook!"

"What?" He sounds a bit hysterical on the phone, voice rough and angry, incredulous, even mad that you might suggest he's wrong. Obviously, he already knew you'd react this way, hence the primary warning. "You're my best friend. I get to gift you whatever the fuck I want." He whisper-yells, suddenly very much aware again of the late time and the quiet calmness he'd perturbed. "She-"

"I don't think that's the issue, is it? Did she- Did you tell her that- Like, nothing was up?" You don't know how to articulate what you mean to ask. It sounds so bizarre, so irrealistic, the idea of something romantic or sexual going on between you two. It sounds so ludicrous you can't even say it. And again, you're scared to say the words. You don't know how they'll sound leaving your mouth. Suspicious, maybe revealing.

You owe to ask the question though. Because the cause of the sudden nausea comes from one surprisingly major reason, you would hate for her to hate you. To think of you as the bad guy, the massive bitch who stole her boyfriend. It shouldn't matter but it does.

"What do you mean?"

"That it was just friendly. Did you say that to her?" You stutter, largely on edge.

"Of course, I did." He doesn't seem to notice. Or to pay attention to the, evident to your ear, change in your tone. "She said that it didn't matter." You bite your tongue, along with the couple of words threatening to slide off it. Quite frankly, Jungkook is a weirdo with his own intake on the world surrounding him, she chose to date that special, in a lot of different ways, one, however, you can fairly understand that she wouldn't accept any explanation, of any kind, for this situation. "Do you get that? If she thought I was cheating, I'd understand that she'd be mad but- it's not even the case!"

You try to focus on the essence of the conversation, annihilate the faint words you can read in between the lines. The ones that say that even his girlfriend, in those strange circumstances, couldn't imagine the two of you as more than friends. Just as he couldn't. Just as you can't either.

"She knows and she's still mad. But- I do- I was just curious about it."

"About what?"

"The toys." He pouts, barely articulate like the kid he really is.

"Why didn't you get them for her, then? She's your girlfriend."

There's a pause after your words coming from him.

"She hates those." The pout sounds so thick now, in between the sniffs, you wonder if his mouth won't stay stuck in this position, like a cute permanent raspberry on his cute little dumb face. "I did once and she- threw it in my face and called me a freak."

"Jungkook." You sigh. "That explains a lot, by the way." This comment might be mainly for yourself. He doesn't need an explanation, as it seems. He doesn't seem that troubled about the whole deal, about that new hobby he's picked for himself. But you did. It's hard to simply content yourself with a "well, it is what it is" and nothing more.

He's been curious about them, couldn't buy them for Jiyeun because she wouldn't use them and make him feel guilty about his interest. He's sort of living it by procuration this way.

Now you feel guilty. He can't have found much satisfaction from your reviews if you ever have given him any. And she called him a freak. What a bitch. You wouldn't have imagined that coming from her.

Your mind is a mess.

"And it makes you happy. I see the way-" You hear the friction of tissues, the squeaking of his bed, and the deep sigh that follows when, as you picture, he finds a comfortable position on his back. "You seem much better. Less stressed and-" You cannot deny that. Even though it's partially frustrating, to think that he has this very unpleasant picture of you, of the version of you preceding the very first orgasm brought by him - sort of. You are feeling considerably better. Even if you have to force yourself not to abuse the masturbatory habits, not wishing to turn into a jerk off crazed teen like you once was when your hormones were fucking you up, it helps a lot. Sometimes it's a late-night quickie, other times a longer seance to celebrate the start of the weekend, or find force for the beginning of a new week.

"What was that again? Youthful?" You wonder aloud, an annoyingly amused smile on your face.

"Rejuvenated." He's laughing a bit. And for that, all the turmoil he's been putting you through feels fine and worth it. When you think about the heartbreaking tone of his voice when you first heard it through the phone, it eases an incredibly heavyweight to your heart, enchants you to know that he can still laugh, and you can still be the one reminding him how to. Unfortunately, his heart's just recalled how to hurt and the ache is back as quick as it pretended to leave an instant ago. "She said to never call her again." He confides with a hearable sorrow.

"She didn't mean it." It's surprisingly easy to be a good friend to him. The words you know he needs to hear not even hurting that bad.

"I don't know. We never fought like that before."

"Of course, you didn't. But it's been a year, it ought to happen at some point."

"But if she won't even let me talk to her, how am I supposed to make it better?"

"Be patient and leave her time to cool down." He sighs, already defeated. "Maybe send her a vocal note, she'll listen when she's ready.” They're awfully nice when he sends some to you. “It'll be fine." You're made to be together, probably, you should add. You could add, it might help him immensely, to dry the tears you can picture filling up his eyes. It's a little too much though. You're not that strong of a masochist to force this on you.

"How do you know that?"

"I just do. Don't worry too much." He can't. His heavy silence precisely screams that. "Do you wanna come to my island? I'll let you run in my flowers if you want."

It makes him laugh once again. The lovely, most satisfying sound to your ear.

"That's sweet of you." And it is, extremely sweet of you. If there's one thing that you despise is him sprinting through the mindfully planted flower beds of your Animal Crossing island. It pisses you off. Even more so when he does it by accident than on purpose, because this shit happens way too often. And now, you're allowing him to do so. You're definitely too good at being his friend. "It's fine though. Turnips sell at 138 on mine if you're interested."

It's your turn to be laughing now. You love how even with his heartbroken, upset and crying, he still picks up his Switch to check where's the turnips' stock at.

"Jungkook." I adore you.

You have for seemingly ever. Since the very first time you met.

You'd never forget it. How you almost passed out from laughing because of the street sign that nearly knocked him unconscious. His forehead was already bruising dark, eyes unfocused and shiny with tears. You didn't mean to laugh but he was adorable and funny, and even if you felt guilty for enjoying it, people don't run their faces into street signs every day. You called it in your own head a miracle.

He had to sit for a little while from how dizzy he felt. His ears were burning with embarrassment too, your uncontrollable giggling not helping. He just sat there, on a bench you had dragged him to, hands tucked in the pocket of his sweatshirt, waiting for you to allow him to leave.

The kid stood unbalanced the four times he tried to walk and even if at eleven, you had nothing close to a doctoral degree, you still felt like it was wrong to just let him stumble his way back home straight away. You had to hold him hostage for a little while. You had shared your homemade cookies with him, the ones you hid deep in your bag for you didn't want anyone to ask for a bite at school. You made him drink the whole content of your water bottle because drinking water is never an unhealthy thing to do, therefore, it felt like a good idea.

He was so shy that your own timidness quieted down enough to allow you to make conversation to him. Or more accurately talk over the silence and distract him. He giggled a lot and smiled with cute bunny teeth. Kept saying thank you for every bit of cookies you'd given him and once you had walked him home and he arrived safe and sound, he bowed very low, apologized and thanked you again.

You thought it'd be the end of it. He pretended to be going to the same school as you but you had never seen him also he was a few years younger.

The next day, and every single day after that, at recess, he would appear out of nowhere. Wearing his adorable smile, and a tint of red on his ears, a bunch of homemade cookies of his own filling up his pockets. As a puppy would, he'd follow you around with a certain distance until you waved him over, rolling your eyes, because if he was going to stick by your side, he might as well actually play with you.

The most precious friendship you have ever experienced bloomed from this seed. A friendship, at the start, mainly based on a shared interest for very sugary treats, marbles, and that common memory of him eating shit in this street sign. You didn't mean to remind him, it made him flush furiously each time and you were not that cruel, but you couldn't help bursting out in laughter whenever you'd walk home -with him or alone- and pass that sign. It's your favourite spot in your home town. You never miss an occasion to take a selfie for him whenever you go to visit your parents.

It's hard to define the moment your feelings, once purely platonic, changed. But there's a memory that feels notably significant.

A guy made you fall. A useless asshole, who in retrospect was not even worth a single crumble of your time. You were confused. As you often get, without really knowing why. Maybe it's just you, maybe it's for everyone the same. People start by being too good in your eyes, too good for you not to give them your all, and maybe build pyramides upon pyramides of expectations.

Until they're not anymore.

Suddenly, they hurt your feelings. They suck ass and you felt so invested emotionally, way too invested for it to be any kind of healthy, and their very human selves harm you straight in the heart, where it is the most painful.

It didn't feel like a mistake this time. Like any of the other times, at the beginning, of course, otherwise, it wouldn't catch you again and again.

You fell hard and it's Jungkook who picked you up. He had cooked for you, one of his mother's infamous recipes because he knew you wouldn't even bother eating otherwise. He had held you close. He had kissed the top of your head, your cheeks and your eyelids when a diehard tear had slipped. He had called you baby and sunshine and his little kitten. Had showered you in an unfamiliar type of loving. Something so soft, so tender and warm. Hands firm when they'd wrapped around you and pulled you in. Fingers gentle when they'd brush the hair out of your face. He took care of you, made you feel good in ways no one has ever had. You had not known him to be like that. Suddenly, he really felt like a man when he touched you, when he talked to you. He wasn't only a dorky little overgrown baby anymore. He was a man, shaped like one but also able to act like one. Able to take care of a woman, please one you were sure of it. And suddenly, you wanted, so desperately, to be that woman. To have the same free access you had on his usual candid-self, on this newly met man.

Of course, it's too ludicrous for you to ever act on it. But deep down, a naive tiny voice kept claiming, in the back of your mind, that you could spoil him. Very few people in this world know him the way you do, surely, no one can please him the way you could.

Guk

She listened to my note!!!

Guk

She said she'll make me miss her a bit more and then she'll call

It took less than a day for her to give him a sign. You're not surprised. It's hard not to miss him. You're not surprised but somehow, still, disappointed.

A/N: tadam!! i needed to include some flashbacks because i know my fellow f2l addicts just adore these, also, i just can’t get over writing kookie as a cute kid.

Guess what guys? there is only one chapter to go *sweats profusely* I- am worried. I hope you keep enjoying it and will enjoy the rest. :] For now, let me know your thoughts. I hope you have a sweet, lazy Sunday and wish you a lovely, peacful week! bises!

As always please ask to be tagged for the final chapter on this post

[soranihimawari]

Paper bags & Plastic Hearts

A Kyotani Kentaro short requested/asked by @m0nstergeneration20xx

Strangers to uncanny friendship to lovers (sports agent!yn x kyotani kentaro)

If there was one thing that annoyed your new client, it was being sick with a fever. Apparently, with the promotional shots for the team he was playing for fell in the midst of him starting to feel off, he sent you a text asking you to pick up the details for him. You knew he was ill when there wasn’t any curse word amplifiers in his messages. This threw you for a loop when his teammates enlighten you.

“You’re kidding, right?” You show the message to the other sandy blonde boy on the team. His sports glasses were replaced with his regular ones after practice was done for the day. “Please tell me you’re joking Tsukki.”

“Nah,” another voice on your left surprises you. “Kyotani always sounds proper when he’s sick. Must be the fever delirium…”

You pinch the bridge of your nose before excusing yourself off the court to speak with the medical advisor and athletic trainer about your client being out sick. They were aware, which was a good thing. However, on your side of the business, you make a few calls letting the photographers for the team shoot reschedule for the weekend five days from then. The team was made aware of the change via e-mail, making sure the time set aside was used wisely for extra practices.

Around four in the afternoon, you find yourself in the lobby of the closed gated community the athlete lives in. He doesn’t even know you’re stopping by with a bento you picked up and some sprite. Imagine his surprise when he receives a call from the security guard saying he has someone to buzz in after you flash your ID card at him.

Kyotani, for what it’s worth, is a primarily private person. When you started your job at the sports agency, you didn’t think you’d get requested just three months in. Rumor has it no one wanted to manage the hot headed blonde, but your boss thought your aloof demeanor would balance out. Boss was kind of right, kind of. You go travel to Sendai to see what the hype is about first hand. You grasp the straws you were given and hope to make a solid first impression. Until a stray ball meant for a service ace almost knocks you unconscious.

“Oh shi—”

Thwack!

The ball is bumped of your forearms and is sent spiraling out of bounds. Thankfully there was nothing in your hands at the time, but the soreness of the spiked ball stung through the long sleeves you wore that day. Five minutes of being surrounded by medical personnel and the team in the brightest shade of green you ever saw surround you, asking you routine questions. All but one person, who sort of stayed away from the cluster as it was his fault for injuring a visitor that day. His scolding comes later on though.

“You alright miss?” You’re finally sitting on the sidelines with a few ice packs taped on your rolled sleeves. Glancing up, you see the player who was scolded by the captain and coach sort of bow and mumble an apology. He seemed a bit shy, but his apologetic demeanor made him look like a sad pup.

“Huh? Oh,” you smiled. “Yeah. No big deal. I suppose you needed someone to receive your serve.”

Uncanny, though your humor was, Kyotani liked having you around. You explain who you’re looking for, handing him a business card. He doesn’t say his name at all as you both watch and listen to the practice convince you this team is comprised of some amazing people.

“I’m supposed to hand this to Kyotani-senshu. It’s our new contract if he wants to be signed by us,” You explains showing him the jump drive from your pants pocket.

“…and who’ll be his agent? In case he asks me,” he sticks his hand in his pockets gruff voice and all. It still rumbles through his chest like a teenager who is too proud from time to time, but you suppose this ruffian does have his charming qualities.

You give him a teasing smirk.

“Me,” you flex your arms a bit, trying to not loosen the ice packs. Another teammate approached the area where you currently are speaking with the little bee and when you point out it’s the setter, the player in front of you with the wild serve, nods.

“Oi! Kyotani! Coach needs you for the end of practice meeting,” his teammate says.

And you suddenly feel embarrassed a bit. Kyotani sort of enjoys brief moments like this, especially if it makes you formally introduce yourself. He takes the jump drive from you, mentioning he’d read it on his day off; he apologizes once more before his coach calls him out this time to, “quit flirting and get back to work.”

Even if your first meeting with your new client was over four months ago, you still make time to ensure he was doing ok. You remember attending a few games just to see his full personality on and off the court. His mean streak shines through every now and again, yet his teammates reign him back. Eyes of oak seem to find you immediately when he scores a service ace like it was meant to land where it did. Your visitors badge eventually became a manager badge after one ice cream date turned into actually just going through the contract negotiations. You suggested the ice cream shop since it was on the way to the train station after a busy practice game mentioning how coffee shops and cafes were overrated:

“Listen, Kenta,” you stick your spoon in the ice cream cup. “You’re good. Real good. I’ve seen you play, so tell me what’s stopping you from having the agency I work for sign you?”

Kyotani leans forward, hand still in his pocket, his buzz cut a little fuzzier than before. Fishing out an envelope from his bag with his free hand, he hands you an envelope. The contract you gave him was printed out from the flash drive and you see his stamp on all the pages.

“Called your boss this morning,” he has a wicked grin when you flip through it. You’re as determined as he is, which was a bonus. In the time it took you to know him, you also got to show your true colors. There was one day you came into the arena with a knee brace mentioning you were fine, but your jumper’s knee was acting up. You enlighten the team (more so Kyotani) you used to play with friends up until you tore some ligaments during a match abroad.

You sign the visitor log book for the team dorms after the security guard was given the ok for you to enter. The houses were either duplexes or townhomes, so you follow the map given to you. A warm breeze follows you and the bag that holds some home remedies; you knock and you hear a groan in the other side.

“Kyotani? It’s me,” your voice eases him a little when he slides the front door open. He eyes are red, redder than normal you figure, a scowl on his lips is relaxed into a thin line of neutrality. His black shirt clings to him along with his pajama bottoms as he leads you inside to the kitchen. You don’t say much and neither does he.

“Have a seat, ok? You’re not going to get any better if you’re consistently moving,” you warn, touching his shoulder. He relaxes a bit when you do so without warning. You feel the fever burning through his shirt and you have a slight panic when he turns abruptly to face you. A hand of yours instinctively is placed on his forehead, and he closes his eyes for a moment. You’re only trying to help, but his body is fatigued and literally on fire. You other hand that was on his shoulder drops immediately to your side.

“You’re literally burning up! Why didn’t you call me sooner?”

Your voice is filled with confused hurt and he knows he should have reached out yesterday the moment he arrived home, but instead, he pulls you into him. His forehead rests on your shoulder as you adjust the hand that laid on his forehead toward the nape of his neck. You rub the back of his head like a child, saying it’s going to be ok.

“This is nice,” your voice is barely above a whisper and you could of sworn you felt him kiss your neck. “Kyo…?”

“Mm?” he finds comfort here in his kitchen leaning on you. His head moves so quickly you’d have called him Hermes. Calloused hands find their purchase in the same spot you gently held him (the nape of your neck).

“Did you just—mmf?!”

Your eyes are widened with surprise before you surrender to his kiss. The same hands that causes those deadly serves also know how to be quiet when they caress your cheek and hold you steady as you allow yourself this one luxury to kiss him back. You’re harsh in dishing out punishments he finds out when your other hand clutches the fabric of his shirt. Both of you break long enough to hear each other breathe in a brief pause to calm down.

“Kentaro, I don’t think I can be your manager anymore,” you whisper, a short lived chortle escapes your lips when he nods, kissing your temple one more time. You guffaw are his soft demeanor, making a joke or two about how the food is getting cold. He makes no comment other than, “the stove doesn’t take too long to warm up…”

Kyotani, for all intents and purposes, pulls you close to him again before releasing you to go into his kitchen to prepare the food you brought. You hear his footsteps following behind you and when you tap your lips, you mutter how he might get you sick; Kyotani knows he just broke his contract having just kissed you in his feverish delirium (although he’s been trying so hard not to since you first met), so he makes a new proposition for you when he holds your hand to his face:

“Is it ok if you be mine instead?”

[shih-coulda-had-it]

Nanahiko growing old together gives me life

Oh god anon, me too. Passionate movie romances are all well and good, but I’m such a SUCKER for relationships that stand the test of time. Which I guess is why I like starting Nanahiko off as childhood friends. /taps head/ It’s the projecting.

Below: idle Nanahiko fluff that leans into the NanaLives!AU. Featuring Toshinori’s POV as he finally brings his son successor to Yamanashi Prefecture...

i.

The intention behind the way she and Sorahiko have set up their desks: to hold each other accountable for their respective paperwork load. This has backfired several times, but considering the last configuration (separate personal offices, divided by doors and walls) resulted in Nana climbing out the window and Sorahiko sleeping under his desk, this truly is the lesser of two evils.

Except sometimes Nana gets distracted.

“What are you looking at me for?” Sorahiko grouches. He shuffles the permits into a neat stack, and continues to avoid Nana’s eyes. He is unmasked, ungloved, and it is a rare enough sight that Nana thinks she must drink it in before Sorahiko recoils into his turtle-shell.

“I’m picturing you as an old man,” she says, lightly.

“I’m already old.”

“You’re thirty, same as me.” Nana props her chin on one hand, and decides she might as well stare at him openly. He’s flushing pink under the attention, and—aha! There is a second of eye contact, because Sorahiko glances at her after the prolonged silence. His eyes widen, and then wrench their gaze towards the top sheet of paperwork. It makes Nana feel fuzzy, a little like blushing herself.

“I'll probably shrink,” he says. “Lose the bulk. It’ll make flying easier.”

“You’ll still fly?”

“I’m with you, aren’t I?” And Sorahiko swallows, hard. “I can’t imagine you giving up flying.”

“Mm,” Nana responds, picking her answer carefully. Because how sweet is that? In Nana’s experience, friendships come and go like the seasons; most of her primary school friends hadn’t been with her for junior high, and the same pattern had persisted through high school and her career. Sorahiko sticks to her like a burr, though, stubborn and steady in spite of all the bullshit Nana has tugged him into.

“You’ll be shorter,” he adds, before she can say anything else.

“What? Shorter?”

“Mm-hm. You’ll be the tiny granny who’ll forget how to turn off your Quirk, and you’ll manage to hit the stratosphere before a pro-hero can get you down.”

“I’m not going to turn senile!” she protests.

“It’s alright,” Sorahiko says, his voice turning mild. “I’ll probably think you’ve got the right idea, and I’ll Jet us into space. You’re welcome. I’ve made your childhood dream come true.”

She grabs one of their stress-balls from the center of their workspaces and tosses it at his face, a flick of her wrist sending it sailing straight to his nose. Unimpressed, Sorahiko lets it bounce off onto the desk; he rolls his eyes as he picks it up and pointedly returns it to the clear plastic box.

“What, you don’t want to find the moon bunny anymore?”

“I don’t know, Sorahiko,” she teases, ignoring the jab at her most cherished childhood wish. “I heard that old people are susceptible to the cold. You already wear a full jumpsuit and still complain about the chill. We wouldn’t even make it to our rooftop before turning back.”

“Should I grow a beard?”

Nana splutters. She’s never seen Sorahiko with stubble longer than a five o’clock shadow. Being clean-shaven is just his thing. She tries to picture him with a beard and her imagination falls short. Still, she tries to respond. “We could paste a fake one on you to try it out.”

“Gross,” says Sorahiko.

Nana warms to the idea. “Should we start with a dark color? Or would it grow out silver?”

“Silver, obviously.” He studies her right back and says, decisively, “You’ll finally get glasses.”

“Ah, like yours?”

He laughs. The force of it crinkles his eyes, and Nana is struck by the very thought that Sorahiko’s toothy smile is reminiscent of her own. She leans her chin on the heel of her palm, fingers curling at her cheek, and smiles helplessly back.

ii.

It used to be rare for Sorahiko to wake up before Nana. He guesses he can see the appeal of it, though, surfacing slowly and realizing, in the quiet still of the bedroom, that he’s the only one awake. Nana has plastered herself to him, an octopus in the making, and their cocoon of warmth is toasty.

He stares down at the crown of her head and idly counts the graying hairs. Nana likens them to spiderwebs whenever she catches sight of them; the grays never gather together to form a definite streak, instead scattering, like--

Sorahiko grimaces at the sappy turn of his thoughts.

Instead, he traces the skin of her hand, the thickened ridges of scars and the calluses that never left, even as Nana exited the field and found volunteer work. He’s followed her in this way too, except he’s opted to be re-employed as a teacher of U.A. The administration hadn’t welcomed him back with open arms, but they had begrudgingly agreed that his year off the grid had been good for him.

Eleven months of healing, of learning how to slow down again while figuring out how to live in America, after that frantic, terrifying month of trying to settle his and Nana’s affairs once he’d packed her and Toshinori off across the Pacific. Impulsively placing Kotarou under his custody might have been the only satisfying thing he’d done in those weeks.

He tilts his head, and finds Nana’s left hand. He brushes his thumb over the pale band of skin where Nana’s ring usually sits; Sorahiko would have a matching mark, if he wasn’t wearing gloves all the time.

“Mm,” Nana hums into his chest. “Morning.”

“Good morning,” he quietly says.

She rubs her cheek into the soft fabric of his t-shirt. Sorahiko stifles a sneeze as her hair tickles his nose, and places a hand over her back, steadying. Nana makes a sleepy happy noise and practically undulates directly over Sorahiko, pressing him against the mattress.

“Ah, geez, watch the knees--”

“Why are you up so early,” Nana whines. “You’re supposed to be the sleepyhead of this relationship.”

“Someone climbed on top of me,” Sorahiko points out. “I’m growing old, my bones are getting frail, what did you expect to happen?” She grumbles, incoherent. “What’s that? You plan on breaking my heart by squishing me flat?”

Nana turns her head and enunciates, “Your old man humor isn’t funny.”

“But are you smiling?” He feels the curve of her grin against his chest, the twitch of muscle pulling upward, then Sorahiko drags his fingers through the sweep of her hair. Combing out the loose strands and shaking them off to the side of the bed. They’re due for a vacuuming. “Anyways, isn’t this uncomfortable for you?”

“I could be more comfortable,” she concedes. Nana, with a distinct lack of self-consciousness, wiggles her arm under her breasts and readjusts the… weight distribution. Sorahiko turns his eyes to the ceiling and does his best to ignore the sudden interest rearing its unwelcome head.

“So how do you manage to roll on top of me?”

“Hm,” she stalls. She is obviously coming up with a bullshit answer, and Sorahiko will humor it.

“I’m listening.”

“Well,” Nana starts expansively, “maybe I was dreaming about my historically fantastic rack--stop, stop laughing--and how sad I’ll be when I’m seventy and these girls will be sagging and not sexually appealing--Sorahiko, stop laughing!”

Hypocrite. Her words are sly and full of giggles, and Sorahiko loves her so much. Age hasn’t done anything but sand down the edges of an already smooth partnership; they move in almost silent synchronicity nowadays, since All Might is in the streets and Kotarou is sleeping over at his beloved older brother’s apartment. With this in mind, he props himself up on his elbows, and pushes up further, until Nana is obliged to rear back and sit on his lap instead.

“It was a total nightmare,” she persists, and her restless hands smooth his rumpled t-shirt, his ruffled hair.

“And your solution was to, what?”

She scoffs at his doubtful tone. “Obviously, my body knows you make everything better. Therefore, it knew to hug you until you solved the problem.” Nana bats her eyelashes at him, then wrinkles her nose and scrubs at the sleepsand. He politely turns his eyes to the historically fantastic rack and Nana’s gimmicky tank-top. 

“You’re welcome.”.

“I didn’t say you solved it,” she responds loftily. “I need more cuddles than that--hey!”

iii.

Toshinori escorts his successor to oshishou and Torino’s apartment complex in Yamanashi Prefecture, because he accidentally forgot to introduce them to Midoriya before the school year started. Toshinori had only just informed them about choosing Midoriya after they called about the USJ incident, and then they had watched the televised Sports Festival.

The call had been three parts chiding, two parts teasing.

(“What the hell did I make you get a teaching credential for?!” Torino had barked, and in the background was oshishou’s voice complaining about missing their long-lost third grandchild.)

On the train there, Midoriya asks him question after question, almost dazzled at the prospect that he’ll be interning with All Might’s old teachers. Midoriya hasn’t even learned that they’re technically Toshinori’s parents by adoption (it doesn’t help that Toshinori still refers to them as oshishou and Torino). 

“They live together?”

“They’re married,” Toshinori is compelled to clarify.

“Married,” Midoriya echoes, eyes shining. On his lap is an open Campos notebook. His hand is scrawling notes almost mechanically, and conjectures too. The boy might have missed out on a calling as a live analyst for cable networks. “And hero partners! Like Water Hose! What are their Quirks, can you tell me?”

“You’ll find out when they train you, I’d rather not give you any false impressions…”

Undeterred, Midoriya pivots his line of questioning. “What are they like? Why does Gran Torino still have his license? Is your oshishou still working with him?”

Toshinori suspects Gran Torino renews his pro-hero license purely to stress-test Japan’s Quirk laws. There is no age-limit on these licenses. No one actually investigates these matters out of concern for personal privacy, and also because elderly heroes are one-in-a-million.

“Gran Torino is a super-efficient pro-hero,” Toshinori says, striving for diplomacy. The old man’s mellowed out over the years; he’s no longer the scary boogeyman hovering behind his oshishou’s shoulder. Toshinori can be gracious. “And oshishou hasn’t stepped into the field for several decades.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” He wonders if he can cram in all the family history before they reach Yamanashi Prefecture. Toshinori casts a cursory look around the train; the other few passengers on-board appear distracted. In any case, he lowers his voice. “Long before my own fight with All for One, the three of us were lured into a trap. My oshishou hadn’t expected to escape with her life. When she did, she decided to withdraw from pro-hero work and raise her son.”

Sons, technically. Regardless of how Toshinori was already grown and ready to step into the spotlight, oshishou had been insistent about Toshinori coming home and being Kotarou’s big brother.

“Not their son?” Midoriya probes.

For the keen insight, Toshinori ruffles Midoriya’s curly green hair. He would have to be blind to not see how Midoriya preens at the attention; it reminds him of himself when oshishou first allowed him into the Sky High agency. “Well, Torino-sensei didn’t marry oshishou for… a long time.”

“How long is long?”

Toshinori involuntarily grimaces. This is crossing into the complicated family history, and he’d rather have oshishou explain the details. How best to describe this… “Torino-sensei is oshishou’s first friend, and her second husband.”

“So… so her son is from the previous marriage,” Midoriya says. Toshinori nods. “Wow… did he love her all that time?” The awe, almost envy, in his successor’s voice is also familiar to Toshinori. Of course, Toshinori has also witnessed oshishou and Torino be stupid in love, to the point where he had the undesirable role of being confidant to both.

“Still is,” he confirms and then changes the subject. “Would you like to hear of my own internship with them? It shouldn’t spoil anything. There were extenuating circumstances with me, after all.”

Midoriya brightens. “Yes, please!”

[musicfren]

tend hearts to bloom (our folly exhumed) part 2

Everything takes time to grow. Some good things take so much longer than you could have ever thought possible, and the best things might never grow at all. All you can do is tend to your garden. Part 2 is HERE y’all. Me and @nottesilhouette have finished part two of our hyper-extended flower metaphor saga :P You can read part 1 here. Happy @felinettenovember y’all! May this post last you a lot longer than 3 days <3

Felix lives in a state of “too cool”: too cool to be friends with the kids at school, too cool to be friends with the teachers and faculty, too cold to be friends with anyone at all. So he’s the last to realize when a new trend finds its feverish way across the school in whispers and muffled laughter behind lockers. Normally, he wouldn’t care-- schoolyard trends are little more than the transient, ephemeral whims of children drifting on the winds of their judgement, but there’s something about the ink that peeks through the sleeves of Kim’s shirt that demands his attention. 

“What is that?” 

“...are you checking out my muscles, bro?” Kim is genuinely baffled, not a trace of judgement in his tone but clearly trying to slot the puzzle pieces together as to when Felix became someone who cared about brawn, either in himself or anyone else. Still, Kim is nothing if not kind, so he flexes in Felix’s direction to give him a better look. 

His sleeves ride up when he does, and Felix brushes his arm over the bulge of Kim’s forearm, which probably doesn’t help the confusion. But the ink is irresistible to Felix. It’s familiar and gorgeous, sharp clean lines on Kim’s skin, and so glossy Felix worries it might smudge. It doesn’t. 

There on Kim’s wrist, perfectly framed by his bulging veins, is a comically cute grey dumbbell, and a doodled little snapdragon curled around the handle of the weights. 

“Oh, dude, did you mean my tattoo?” Kim is clearly relieved that his perception of Felix can remain intact, and helpfully flexes a little more. This is a much more reasonable thing for someone like Felix to find attractive. “Yeah, I finally caved and got it done, I wasn’t really sure what to get, y’know? I didn’t want to show up there like an idiot with no idea what to say or ask for, but Max told me that she was really good about just listening to you talk about what you liked and working with you to get something nice done. I like Max a lot,” he shares conspiratorially. 

Felix nods, as if this makes sense, and wanders away. Show up where? Get what done? Clearly someone was drawing this on Kim. There’s no way he could’ve done it himself; it was on his right wrist and Kim is right handed, but… Felix needed to know. He just didn’t know what to ask, or whether he should ask at all. 

But Felix knows how to hold his tongue, how to say the right things and keep himself safe, so he waits three days before ending up in a partner project with Max. Not by design, he plans to insist to anyone asking. No one asks. 

They’re listing their skills to decide who’ll take which piece of the project when Felix makes his move. “And you draw, too, right?” 

“No?” Max looks flummoxed, and Felix panics immediately. 

“Oh, well… I just… you had… Kim-told-me-you-drew-a-dumbbell-for-him!” He rushes the sentence out all in one breath, and Max looks more startled at his explanation than anything else, which sends Felix spiraling even more. 

But Max just takes a moment (a way too long moment) to process, and then laughs. “Is that what Kim said? He must’ve explained poorly. Nah, he got it the same place I got this.” And then Max is unbuttoning his shirt, pulling it up enough to show off the robot brushed over his abdomen, adorned with a cheerful amaryllis where its heart would be. 

“Where… um, where did you get it?” 

“Oh, art room after school! I’m surprised you haven’t seen the line out the door yet, it reaches well past the auditorium and I know you like to practice violin there after school. So, the project?” 

Max is too focused on the work to answer anything else after that, and Felix is too afraid to try. But he does know that Alya spends ages in the art room writing up articles for her blog as she waits on Marinette. 

He doesn’t get a chance to ask Alya anything, though, because Chloe derails the rest of class bragging about the shopping bags on her bicep and thoroughly avoiding the subject of the creator. Each one of them has an orange lily stamped on it in bold color, and Felix snorts. Fitting, though he’d never say it. Beautiful hatred is the modus operandi that Chloe exists on. 

The day after that, he waits until Nino is busy getting lunch to corner her at a lunch table. 

“Cool drawing, Alya.” Compliments are good, right? Compliments help people get what they want. And Felix wants, needs to know what this is, because there’s something so familiar, important, the way they’re tagged, and he would know it if he just had one hint, the right clue to fit into this picture-- 

“Thanks! My girl’s talented, don’tcha think? I love the way she let me match Nino.” She tugs down her collar to show off headphones slashed through with a pencil, and the ball of a group of sycamore flowers dangling off the end of the eraser like a pom pom. 

Felix bluescreens. No, no, that’s wrong. That’s not what he’d glimpsed on Nino’s neck, and Alya said they matched, something is wrong.

“Why is that flower there?” 

Alya laughs. “Well, every designer’s gotta have her tag, right? She’s a real tattoo artist, tags every piece with a flower she chooses out of nowhere. No one can work out what the pattern is, even when we cross referenced traditional flower meanings, but they’re always gorgeous and fit in so well-- have you seen Juleka’s? You’d hardly even notice, it’s so punk rock.” 

Nino’s making his way back and there’s no sycamore pom pom on his pencil, just an aster on the ear of the headphones, and Felix’s mind is whirring too fast to follow but Alya is walking away and the clues are slipping away like sand between his fingers and gripping harder only makes them slip away faster and--

“That’s the wrong flower.” 

“What?” Nino startles, absolutely taken aback at this out-of-character greeting. He’s used to Felix being curt, speaking out of context, but this is beyond even Nino’s ability to nod through. 

“It should be a marigold, right? Creative, passionate, absolutely driven by your art and the things you love, that’s who you are, why is it an aster?”

“...what??”

Felix can do little more than point. “Alya: sycamore, curious, journalistic drive, asking questions and doing everything she can to know a person so she can take care of them. Max: amaryllis, determined and focused on the work he builds and proud of it when it works because he has every right to be. Kim: snapdragon, strong and gracious and so, so, so protective, because that’s who he is so why is yours an aster?!”

“He deserves to know he’s clever, even if he doesn’t feel it.” 

Felix whirls around, and Marinette is standing there clutching her bag to her chest, trembling, but glaring at him from half a foot shorter than where he stands. She’s so strong. She’s so strong, and Felix wonders if she kept marigold for herself. She deserves to, if she wanted it. 

Maybe it shows on his face, what he’s thinking, or maybe she’s just always been the kindest person he was ever dumb enough to let go, because her gaze softens, hurt and hopeful in equal, anxious measure. “You remembered.” 

“...you made it hard to forget.” The way her face crumples confirms that yep, nope, Felix is an idiot. He scrambles to fix it, take it back, get it right this time no matter who’s watching. “No, no!! Like… unforgettable.” His voice is breathy on that last word, nostalgic for a childhood they barely shared, and it’s wrong and someone’s going to make fun of it but right now just for a second he doesn’t care. 

“...oh.”

What people really do make fun of him for is the way he ends up apologizing, for hours, sobbing into her blazer and wiping tears from her cheeks, and still not walking into school with her art on his skin, and Felix doesn’t correct them. 

He was right: there’s a marigold inked over her heart like a treasure. 

There’s a butterfly inked over his, now, landing on the petals of a geranium, and they’ve talked about now. Butterflies, first of all, can live for years, so that wasn’t even true, and friendships… friendships are like flowers. They take root and they grow, and when the sun hits right their seeds will burst into petal and stem and exist, persist, against every odd and obstacle. 

She has no idea how apt that butterfly is. Felix brushes his fingers over a brooch barely visible behind his tie, and feels hope blooming in his chest for the first time in years. 

This time, he knows how fragile it is. This time, he vows, he’ll keep the sunlight on it, patch the soil around its roots with fertilizer and keep it safe. This time… he’ll love her the way she deserves to be, the way she wants to be loved, the way he knows he’s allowed to.

[artificialqueens]

The Birthday Party (Diamond Chaney) - Ortega

fic summary: Ellie spends the night of her birthday crying over a girl that doesn’t like her back. Lawrence will consider the evening a success if she can comfort her without her own heart shattering in the process.

a/n: this one goes out to the anon on my blog that asked me “after rereading freshers au about 3 million times I must ask… are we getting a chapter about Ellie’s 18th birthday party? I’m just thinking about the unrequited crushing/diamond Chaney potential”. apparently i am unable to say no to any anon that comes to me asking for more diamond chaney content, nor am i able to name any of these fics after anything other than 1975 song titles. hope u all enjoy!

***

It’s an image that could hang in the Louvre but it’s one that breaks her heart.

Ellie is sitting on a red brick wall with her legs dangling off it, pale and bare except from a couple of bruises where she’s banged them off the flat’s furniture. The grass on the raised ground behind her is wet and cold, shining under the streetlamps in the damp of that hazy timezone between midnight and morning. She’s right in the middle of the yellow spotlight from above, and Lawrence thinks it’s weird how a colour that’s the same as the sun can all at once seem so cold. The mist, though light, hangs suffocating and stagnant in the air. It casts its moisture over the cars parked on the road opposite, and there’s an urge Lawrence has to push down to draw a little heart on a car bonnet, then zig-zag a line down the middle to break it.

Lawrence thinks she looks like some sort of Disney Channel character come to life; pink and white checked gingham skirt, white, long-sleeved crop top. The pink Filas with the hearts that she’d spent way too much of her student loan on and the matching pink bow that sits squint in her curly, rain-frizzy hair. There’s a crumpled, sad ball of a tissue clutched tight in her white-knuckled hands, and her pink acrylics are outlined with black smudges. Her head hangs towards her lap and as she tilts it to the sky Lawrence can see her face; her makeup, still completely perfect, but with two long, unbroken tear tracks of black mascara and eyeliner that stream down her cheeks like some sort of poison.

Lawrence feels like crying herself, almost had done when Ellie had broken down to them all in the club toilets. When she’d sobbed and her chest had risen and fallen so rapidly, illustrating the pieces of her heart that were shattering inside her ribcage as if Tia was blowing them up with dynamite. When A’whora had shushed her comfortingly and rubbed her back and Bimini had fed her tissue after tissue from the loo roll dispenser. When Ellie had whispered with all the hope and life gone out of her voice,

“I like her so much, and she doesn’t even know, and she’ll never see me like that.”

And Lawrence couldn’t say a word because she couldn’t trust herself to. Because she didn’t even know what to say. Really what could she say when Ellie had said it all already?  

She recalls the way the bass from the songs that were playing out in the main room of the club had seemed so much like a sinister heartbeat; the soundtrack to the dread that Lawrence was feeling, that feeling of something slipping away.

Well, not something. Ellie.

Tayce hadn’t had much time for the whole situation. Lawrence knew she cared, of course, it would be harsh to say she didn’t, but she had been drunk and not particularly tactful. She’d hoisted Ellie to her feet, smudged away her tears from beneath her lashes with her thumbs and cupped her face as she gave a speech about how Ellie didn’t need anyone to make her feel happy, and how if Tia wasn’t going to notice her then there were a million other girls and guys out there that would, and how Ellie couldn’t let anyone spoil her night and Tayce wasn’t going to let that happen either. The song’s transition into Be Faithful had prompted Tayce to take charge, gripping Ellie’s hand and leading them all out of the toilets and onto the dancefloor with a battle cry about how this was her song, and how there was no way in hell she was missing the opportunity to get to dance to it with her best bitches.

Lawrence had known that Ellie hadn’t really felt better, though. The smile on her face was fake and she’d disappeared when the others were all too distracted bickering about whose round it was next. Lawrence had seen her disappear through the main doors and towards the exit- really the idea of Ellie being able to sneak off anywhere was laughable given her height- and so she’d dashed off without thinking, following her while a sinking feeling rose in her gut.

And now she’s here, a little way along the street outside the club, looking at Ellie and her broken heart and trying to figure out how to clean up the mess without a dustpan and brush.

So she awkwardly approaches her, forcing a smile as Ellie lifts her head to look at her through sapphires filled with tears. She decides to go with what’s always served her well though life and injects some fake cheer into her voice as she opens the joke.

“Did I ever tell you about the time the police chapped my door an’ told me my dogs were chasin’ people on bikes?” she opens limply, the joke already the verbal equivalent of a racehorse about to be made into glue. “My dogs didny even have bikes.”

Ellie gives an empty shell of a laugh in return. Lawrence supposes it’s the joke equivalent of “ask a stupid question, recieve a stupid answer”- tell a shite joke, recieve a shite laugh in reply. She’s rendered silent again, left to awkwardly scuff her foot over the glistening, frosty ground until Ellie gives a shuddery breath in.

“Y'should be back inside with the others,” she starts quietly, paws at her sniffly nose with the back of her hand, the tissue being long since rendered useless. “Having fun and getting drunk instead of listening to my shit.”

“I’m already drunk,” Lawrence shrugs at her. It’s half true. She feels too exposed as she follows it up with, “And it’s not fun if I know you’re upset.”

The tiny smile that appears on Ellie’s face and the way her eyes gain just a tiny bit of life makes coming out here in the freezing cold worth it.

“Ellie,” Lawrence gives a small sigh of sympathy, moves to stand in front of her and lets the crumpled tissue fall into Ellie’s lap before she takes her friend’s hands. She’s thrown before she can say anything. “Fucking Christ, your hands are baltic.”

“It’s December in Scotland. Everything’s baltic,” Ellie gives the tiniest roll of her eyes, but her expression is mostly one of affection, the gesture clearly appreciated. The way Lawrence’s heart is sparked by it is way too embarrassing and ridiculous, and she feels like a total idiot for being in this deep.

She covers it up with a sarcastic barb, a raised eyebrow used as a capital letter. “Do you want a pep talk or don’t you?”

“Please,” Ellie replies flatly.

Lawrence has about a second to collect her thoughts, try to arrange them into something coherent and supportive like a child making a model out of junk and PVA glue. She knows it’s going to come at the expense of her own heart but really, when has she ever put her own feelings first when Ellie’s been involved? She wishes they both had the same aspect to their friendship as A’whora and Tayce: that undercurrent of flirting and tension, the fact that A’whora’s huge crush on Tayce is the equivalent of a present wrapped in cellophane, and if they’ve not already done something about that whole aspect of their relationship then they surely will soon. But with Ellie it’s different. Lawrence is bound by the ties of the purely platonic nature of their friendship and, while she’d love nothing more than to break them, there’s still that part of her that’s content to stay in the chains they created together because even though they’re tight, they’re comfortable. They’re safe.

Ellie is Lawrence’s friend, so Lawrence puts her own feelings to one side and acts like it.

“I know it hurts,” Lawrence says, unable to meet her friend’s eyes as she strokes her thumb over her knuckles. “I know it feels like the worst heartache in the world, and it’s terrible. You feel like the pain’s not going to go away or…like your heart’s been smashed. It’s that way where…you’re too far gone as friends now, and it’s that feeling of not being able to change that path you’ve both gone down and…it’s too late, and you’re sat torturing yourself with the what-ifs and wondering if…y’know, maybe if you’d done something differently, maybe this, maybe that…”

Lawrence trails off to allow herself to gain back some composure, because all she’s succeeded in doing is making her own heart hurt with the truth. It’s the fact she’s telling Ellie everything: every feeling she goes through when it’s just the two of them bickering affectionately together, or the pair of them spooning when they’re hungover and emotional, or bonding over the Scottish Twitter references that the rest of their flatmates don’t get. It’s the way that with every moment they grow closer it only feels as if Ellie grows more and more distant.

“But you can’t hurt yourself like that, you know?” Lawrence says firmly, snapping her gaze up bravely to look Ellie in the eyes. “You can’t go through every day wondering why you’re not good enough, because the truth is that…you are. You fucking…are good enough, Ellie, you don’t need to change anything about yourself. Just keep being you, because…there’s someone out there who’ll appreciate it. And love you for it.”

Ellie’s gaze turns warm and soft, and she blinks a few tears away before looking into her lap, squeezing Lawrence’s hands. “Thank you, babe. That’s really nice.”

Lawrence can’t bask in the appreciation for long though because Ellie then narrows her eyes at her and gives her an inquisitive look.

“You know. You know what it feels like. How come you know?”

It would be so easy just to let something slip out; a confession, an admission, the secret she’s been holding in for two years now. The way she could bat it all away and cover it up with the amount of Jaeger she’s consumed over the past two hour period if it didn’t go down well on Ellie’s end. The thing is, though, that a drunk mind speaks sober thoughts, and it’s so cold in the street that she’s starting to sober up anyway. There wouldn’t really be anything to hide behind.

So she gives a snort of self-derision. “I know I might just seem like a joke book in a flesh suit, but I actually have a heart underneath it all.”

“Yeah,” Ellie agrees softly, her smile growing a little bigger. “You do.”

Lawrence’s heart soars into the sky like a bubble or a ridiculous novelty helium balloon. Ellie’s being sincere; she’s not layering Lawrence’s joke with another joke, a playing card on top of another. She’s just being honest. She sees Lawrence’s heart underneath all the sarcasm and the comedy and the way she can’t ever lay a single one of her feelings bare. Sometimes Lawrence dares to hope, dares to dream. Maybe everything she feels is reciprocated even a little bit. This- with Ellie’s gentle smile and the way the streetlamp is giving her a halo and the mist that’s wrapping around the two of them- is one of those moments.

Ellie sighs heavily, cuts through her thoughts. “It’s not even like Veronica’s someone I can justifiably hate, y’know? She has to be fucking…nice, and sweet, and pretty and lovely and Little Miss Perfect. Of course Tia’s mad for her.”

Pop.

“Well, you’re nice as well,” Lawrence frowns insistently. She finds herself rambling a little, clearly not as sober as she supposes the cold is rendering her. “And sweet and pretty and lovely. And perfect. Actually, not quite. C’mere.”

Lawrence beckons for Ellie to lean down, and as she does she fleetingly thinks about how easy it would be to kiss her. Too easy but too overwhelmingly difficult all at once.

Instead, Lawrence reaches her hands up to do what she’d intended, and fixes Ellie’s bow as if she’s adjusting a crown for a princess.

“There. Perfect now.”

Ellie smiles sadly at her as she straightens up, whispers a soft, resigned “thank you”. She sighs, looks plaintively up at the sky, the yellow of the streetlamp and the inky black of the vast space hanging above their heads. She pouts, deflated and defeated.

“What do I do now?”

Lawrence looks down the street, back in the direction of the flat. She could tell Ellie to give up and get over Tia. She could tell Ellie there’s someone that she knows- that they both know- that actually has a huge crush on her, she just needs to open her bloody eyes because all that fucking eyeliner’s clearly making her blind. She could tell Ellie that even the blind man’s fucking guide dog can see that Tia is hopelessly infatuated with the tiny blonde children’s storybook character she’s been making heart-eyes at for the past three months.

But Ellie’s already heartbroken enough and Lawrence is trying to make her feel better, and the antidote of heartbreak is hope. So she gives Ellie two options.

“Well. You could just carry on pinning your hopes on a girl who you’re not sure’s ever going to like you back, if you think you’ve got enough hope and optimism left in you. Or you could move on. Find the someone else out there who’ll love you for everything you are, because there is one. I know there is,” Lawrence says, omitting the fact that said person is her best friend, standing right in front of her. She smiles tightly before adding, “Your choice.”

When Lawrence realises she’s holding her breath waiting on her friend’s decision she feels even more of an idiot than she already does.

Ellie’s smile turns a little more genuine and she doesn’t even have to say anything to tell Lawrence what she’s chosen. “Well I’ve never been one to go down without a fight, you know? So…let’s just say Veronica better watch out. I’m gonna come up behind her and knock her kneecaps in to win my girl over. No matter how lovely she is.”

Lawrence shares Ellie’s giggle with a heart made of lead. She’ll keep pining, then. Keep on keeping on, keep on sharing moments with Ellie that make her day and ruin it all at once, the cause and the cure of all her mixed-up emotions. She’d rather keep her friendship with Ellie and have her heart crack just a little tiny bit every day than not have the girl in her life at all.

“Right, c’mon you. I’m freezing my not inconsiderable tits off out here,” Lawrence says decisively, if a little quietly. She wants nothing more than to drag herself back into the club and fill herself with artificial happiness, drink and listen to dance tracks about breakups with a too-fast BPM for the subject matter.

As Ellie takes her hand the split-second before she turns around, though, Lawrence’s priorities change. Her friend’s face is pleading and a little shy as she meets her eyes for a second and then snaps them to the ground.

“Can we just stay out here for a couple more minutes? Sorry,” Ellie explains. Lawrence can tell she feels silly. “I’m starting to feel better just being out here with you, so…I don’t want to go back in just yet.”

Like a complete fool, Lawrence just smiles and nods. “Of course we can.”

There’s a small silence in which Lawrence hugs herself tightly and rubs both her arms, because, well. She is freezing. She’s freezing and she wishes she had a cigarette. Ellie clearly isn’t as wrapped up in her own thoughts as she had been before because she notices her friend’s discomfort, gives a roll of her eyes which is affectionate rather than exasperated and pats the wall beside her.

“Hop up and I’ll warm you up,” she says. The jolt her words give Lawrence’s heart is what can only be described as pathetic, jump leads to a dying car.

Lawrence tries to join her on the wall, placing her palms on the bricks and making to hoist herself up. Her short stature, though, is rendering this difficult, and with each new unsuccessful attempt Ellie starts to laugh more and more until she’s doubled over, unable to breathe at Lawrence’s various attempts to sit beside her.

(Lawrence always loves making Ellie laugh whether she’s intended to or not, because it’s a way of guaranteeing that her attention is on her. The more she can make her laugh, the more of her attention she gets, so sometimes Lawrence will act up as if she’s on an episode of Live at the Apollo with an audience of one, in the world’s first romantically driven stand-up set.)

Ellie continues to laugh, finally holding a hand out for Lawrence to grab with a humoured “c’mere” to accompany it. As Lawrence grasps her hand and feels sparks fly through her bloodstream, she also clearly underestimates Ellie’s strength as she’s tugged suddenly forwards and they’re both flying onto the grass behind the wall. All at once the pair of them are reduced to bundles of giggles; legs scraping against the bricks and bodies flush against the wet grass, both of them breathless with their hands still entwined.

As their laughter dies down, there’s nothing left but their faces close together and the rise and fall of their chests and the small, dippy smile that’s still there on Ellie’s lips as she looks at her. The black of the sky and the green of the grass and the blue of her eyes, colour in absolutes. Simple, like Lawrence’s feelings are anything but.

It’s ethereal and it’s sad and Ellie will never know what it all means to her.

“I love you,” Lawrence says quietly. It’s too real and too painful and too raw to leave it like that, a plaster ripped off a cut too early. She elects to follow it up with, “Ya big bow-legged freak.”

Ellie giggles again, drunk and appeased. This is good. This is what Lawrence had wanted; to cheer her up and put that starry smile on her face on a night that’s meant to be all about her, meant to be special and magical and not the bad dream it had turned into. Lawrence has filled her head with drunk platitudes and compliments that’ve hurt too much to give. Lawrence has done the duties of a friend. She is her friend. And Ellie is happy. Lawrence can’t be sad when she’s happy.

Ellie lets go of her hand, pulls her in and hugs her. In an instant, the dewey grass seems instantly warmer. The moment is nicotine and Lawrence fills her lungs.

“I love you too, babe.”

She pretends she means it like she wants her to, and the bittersweet feeling it gives her fills her heart like tar.

[clearturtletrash]

Horikoshi’s writing of Shouto and the problems I have with it

If you’re a fan of the way Shouto’s treated in the manga, don’t read, we’ll end up disagreeing on everything and you’ll probably end up offended lol. Because I’m not (satisfied, that is). 

This post is spoiler-heavy for anime onlys, and for manga readers not up to date with the last arc (and last chapter for that matter, which is 301).

So, about Shouto and how he’s handled, along with ‘his’ story.

I don’t get how Horikoshi, whose writing I respect immensely, managed to depict such an incredible and alluring storyline with the Todoroki family, with some of the most complex character writing I’ve seen, but fumbled the one character he had to actually focus on.

Literally more than half the people in the Todoroki storyline are more interesting and more developed than Shouto at this point. Hawks, Endeavour, Dabi, Rei… a good bunch of fans are way more invested in their story than his, and I am too. It’s really sad, because if you asked me two years ago Shouto would have probably been one of my favorite character. But he was completely shafted, given no internal conflict, and at this point, I have the same interest in him as I do for Fuyumi and Natsuo, which basically means his only interesting feature to me is that he’s Endeavour’s child (oh, and he does have a cool design, but that can only get you so far).  

Deku and Katsuki are more popular than him by a landslide compared to before if we believe the Japanese popularity polls, because Hori actually bothers to give them focus, conflict, and cool moments (even though, sometimes I feel like Horikoshi forgets Deku’s his main character lol). It’s a testament to how great Shouto was and how much potential had that he’s still that popular despite everything. Because, let’s be real, Endeavour and Dabi have taken the focus because they have much more emotional energy, while Shouto is just stuck in the crossfire, as a punching ball and stress relief (and eventually as the person who’ll save him I guess) for Touya (see how he was relegated to first aid during the big fight against Tomura? how he did absolutely nothing against Touya who was burning him alive? And how Touya had no interest in Shouto outside of the fact he was Endeavour’s son? Story of the way Hori treats him). He has no particular interesting insight to give on the Todoroki family either as he was too small to remember the important events, so even on this point we can’t count on Horikoshi to write something for him, everything comes from Fuyumi, Natsuo, and Rei. He's really had one great moment in S2 and S3 and that’s it. The way Horikoshi struggles to give him a personality doesn’t help either (he admitted some time ago he was hard to write sometimes, and… yeah, I can see that).  I’m really trying to like his character but the manga gives us nothing, and keeps developing Endeavour, Dabi, and Hawks, which is great (I really love all three of them) but makes no sense given who’s supposed to be the main focus.

In the Endeavour agency arc, Endeavour’s thoughts and struggles were heavily touched upon, and Bakugou and Deku are in sync for 90% of it while Shouto’s just… there. as fodder for Endeavour, and maybe as a link between Endeavour and Bakugou/Deku too. He’s supposed to be a part of both these storylines, but instead, he just ends up as a way for them to overlap. we don't even take a peek in his thoughts, even though it's supposed to be an arc about the Todorokis!

I say all this as someone who eagerly waited for the day Horikoshi would portray Shouto, Katsuki, and Deku as a trio, but yeah, Shouto feels more like a third wheel than anything. if he wanted to establish them that way, he should have done it right after the sports festival arc, but after this arc, they have no scene together, and the focus shifted on Deku and Katsuki. Too little too late I guess.  

To come back to the Todoroki storyline, I feel like Horikoshi simply woke up one day and decided Endeavour was more interesting to write lmao. at this point, it’s more Endeavour’s storyline than Shouto’s, even though Shouto’s supposedly one of the main characters. it has come to a point where, even though I know it ought to focus on Shouto because he’s (at least he should be) the main focus of this particular storyline, I’m hoping it won’t, because that’s just the least interesting aspect of this whole thing.  

I’d say even Ochako’s treated better by the story, because at least Horikoshi tries to challenge her views and beliefs (even though for now it’s not very conclusive), while Shouto’s inner growth hasn't been put into question in how many chapters?

(btw, by inner growth, I’m not talking about his problem with his fire side, because that’s just been rinse and repeat for more than 200 chapters. I mean, srsly it’s been already 3 times since this problem has caused him to lose/fail... and it's not even satisfying like Katsuki or Deku (except for the first time in the sport festival, because that was when his character was still handled very well by Horikoshi). Why? Simply because when he loses, the stakes aren’t high, it’s all training or exams, so he’s just like, "oh, I have to maybe learn how to deal with it!", but there’s no real pressure he’s under. It’s not like Deku, who, if he does not progress, will break all his bones, and who failed to rescue Katsuki because of his broken arms (=and had a mental breakdown immediately afterwards and blamed himself). It’s not like Katsuki either, because Katsuki has a personality that makes low stakes feel like high stakes, which isn’t the case for Shouto. just compare Shouto's reaction when he loses because of his setbacks to Katsuki's reaction when he lost to Deku the first time (mental breakdown), or when Katsuki failed the provisional license exam (another mental breakdown, not caused just by his failing, but yeah). And anything else about Shouto's inner growth is tied to his reaction to Endeavour’s arc, which isn’t a flaw, and 100% depends on the way Endeavour acts. Apart from this, he has 0 internal conflict).  

Sorry, I’ve gone off on a tangent lol.

To get back to the point I was making, and to further develop my analogy with Ochako, let’s look at their relationship with Deku, because there’s a major difference there, which is clearly in favor of Ochako.  Deku has a big impact on Ochako, yes, but the reverse is also true. People complain she’s all about him (which, yeah, probably), but at least, she made a big impact on him too. She was the main reason ‘Deku' became his hero name. Shouto and Deku have a nice friendship, and Deku clearly considers him one of his best friends. but... it’s all one-sided in terms of impact, I can’t think of a single thing Shouto has done who changed/motivated Deku, while Deku literally changed his life. Because of this, he’s not one of the people who’s intrinsically tied to Deku’s character development, because he’s not Ochako, Inko, Katsuki or All Might (and probably soon Tomura).

His writing feels so fast compared to the others too. Shigaraki / Deku and Toga / Ochako have been paralleled for ages, have had a conversation at least once, and have had deep encounters early on. Nonetheless, both Deku and Ochako are just coming to terms with the fact these villains aren’t so different from them. However, Shouto’s only interaction with Dabi is a ten second eye contact when Dabi kidnapped Katsuki. Dabi had more interactions with Endeavour for fuck's sake! Shouto then learns Dabi’s Touya, and speed runs the development of Ochako and Deku. He doesn’t even need 10 chapters to process they’re ’the same'. Where were all the reflection and doubts? Okay, it’s his brother, so the parallels are easier, but still, it shows Horikoshi doesn’t allow Shouto to have that much introspection, and I feel it’s because Horikoshi just doesn’t care that much. Even worse! Horikoshi introduces another hero parallel to Dabi in the character of Hawks. A parallel much more interesting and compelling, because it parallels Dabi MUCH BETTER. They’re opposites in every ways (particularly in regards to their relationship with Endeavor), and know each other. Touya and Shouto don’t even seem to have spoken to each other...

And so, the only thing that still was interesting and that Horikoshi still bothered to develop was Shouto’s relationship with Endeavour, but in the end, even that was overshadowed by the much more complex, fucked up, and challenging relationships of Endeavour and Touya (and Endeavour and Hawks) as seen in 301 and before. Clearly the one Dabi’s fixated on is Endeavour.

one last thing: Shouto's stuck in a weird loop where Horikoshi kind of makes him comes close of the Bakugou and Deku duo, and then when we start to think they’re an actual trio, he does everything in his power to make it very clear how that’s NOT where he belongs either, since OFA/All Might/Deku/Katsuki is another storyline. It’s as if Horikoshi doesn’t want him here (see: how he decided the ‘win all might’ scene didn’t have to include him), but puts him there sometimes anyway. It’s probably because Shouto’s so popular, which, yeah, would be fine, if he could stick to it!

His supposed admiration for All Might (I feel like everybody forgets it's a part of his character, and I don't blame them) is brought up once every blue moon, which compared to Deku and Katsuki, is just ridiculous. And, once again, All Might has a much deeper and more interesting relationship with Endeavour than with Shouto. At this point, I don’t even know what Hori could do to make me want to read about him. I much prefer the dynamic of Hawks/Endeavour/Touya and Katsuki/Deku/All Might.

I hope the future will prove me wrong for his character. Actually, I hope everything I’m saying is wrong and idiotic, and Horikoshi will make every scene I criticized worth it and a means to an end. I mean, he clearly has the talent and writing ability to pull off some of the best character development I’ve ever seen, so anything’s possible. but yeah, I don’t really believe it for now, and I’m frustrated, because Shouto had so much potential.

tldr; I liked Shouto as a character, but he dwindled after some time, and now I feel as if he’s not the focus of his own storyline, because this place is occupied by the much more dynamic relationships of Endeavour, Touya and Hawks. And I’m not even mad, because their dynamic is much more interesting. However, I feel like Horikoshi grew bored of Shouto, and has put much more soul into Katsuki and Deku as of late.

I’m welcoming any responses, if people are seeing an aspect of his character I don’t, please enlighten me! I miss enjoying his character, and I’m not opposed to seeing him in a different light. I just needed to put down my thoughts in writing to make sense of them lol.

[glitterquadricorn]

O’ Death/Snow - Peter Parker

Summary: When death comes knocking, feelings are revealed.  Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader Word Count: 2,098 (<---- That’s a lot of words.) Warning(s): angst, fighting, injuries, mentions blood, guns and gun shot wounds, death, flashbacks, abuse (mental, emotional and physical but doesn’t),  go into detail), mentions torture, mentions suicide, curse word(s), a funeral, 

A/N: Since O’ Death is a short song, i’ll combine it with snow by machineheart. 

O Death, O Death / Won't you spare me over 'til another year?

“This will be a dangerous mission,” Steve paused. His eyes went to the group of heroes surrounding him. “We have reason to believe Hydra has been doing illegal experimentation to build an army. We need to stop them before they can cause harm to anyone else. Stay safe everyone,”

The group dispersed, getting ready for the impending fight. Y/n walked over to the bench and had a seat, checking her guns to make sure they were loaded. Peter watched her movements. He had quite the affinity for the woman, but he never acted on his feelings simply because he was scared of her not feeling the same way. But little did he know, she felt the same way. 

The quinjet landed in the snow, and together they trekked into the cold forest. They made it a half mile from the quinjet before the alarms of the hydra building sounded off. ‘Can we just have an easy mission for once?’ She thought as she pulled her trusty pistols from their holsters. Pulling the triggers, she shot down the hydra agents that came her way. Just then, she was grabbed by the hair and tossed across the ground and into a tree. 

“What the hell?” She muttered under her breath, using the tree behind her as leverage to help herself off the ground. Dusting off the snow on her suit, she looked up at whoever could’ve thrown her. 

Across from her stood a woman. She stood tall and had a body that was clearly athletically built. Her hair just barely brushed the top of her shoulders and her eyes were void of any emotion. 

“What do you want from me?”

Tilting her head to the side, “Твоя жизнь (your life),” 

Y/n, not the one to back down from a fight, stood her ground as the woman came at her with her fist balled. She threw the punch and as much as y/n tried to avert her fist, it landed directly on her nose. Y/n could immediately tell that her nose was not only broken, but blood was gushing out like a faucet. She didn’t have time to process what had happened because the woman came at her once again and wrapped her arm around your neck. Y/n could feel herself getting closer to unconsciousness as her vision started to blur. She had to think of something quickly to get let go of, but she then remembered stashing a dagger in her boot early on the flight over. Quickly pulling the dagger out, she brought it up to the woman’s arm and plunged it in deep. This caused the woman to let go of her. And with one swift movement, y/n turned around and yanked the dagger out. She stomped on the woman’s left thigh, bringing her down to her knees. After that, she kicked the winter soldier’s shoulder, knocking her down on her back. Twirling the dagger in her hand, she brought it down to the soldier’s chest, attempting to stab her. But the soldier was quick to hold up her hands and block the dagger. The soldier kicked y/n in the shin then kicked her in the face. And she was pushed back far enough for the soldier to grab a gun from the many holsters and fire.

She felt the first bullet tear through her right shoulder. She stumbled back a little before being hit with the second bullet. The second bullet hurt the worst; it entered just below the ribs on the left.

The soldier stepped over y/n’s shaking body, and pointed the gun between her eyes. “град гидра (hail hydra),” And just as she was about to pull the trigger, her saving grace, Sam Wilson, swooped in and slammed her against a tree, knocking her out cold

“Guys, y/n’s been shot twice,” Sam said, bending down to her side. He tried to apply pressure on both wounds, but putting pressure on them only caused y/n to scream in pain. “It’s not looking very good.”

Seconds later, Peter swung in and bent down next to her. “No, no, this can’t be happening. We’re going to get you help, y/n. Just stay awake!”

“Peter... I’m dying. I know I am,” 

“No! No you’re not! You’re going to be just fine,” Peter looked down at her with tears in his eyes. He knew she was dying, but he didn’t want to accept it. 

“I- I need to tell you something,” she said, grabbing Peter’s hand. “When you first got the tower, I always thought you were annoying. I mean, you still are, but once I sat down and actually talked to you, I found out that you and I have a lot in common. Then we started to hang out more often, and we formed this bond; a friendship. But I-,” she coughed, and felt blood trickle out the corner of her mouth. “I wanted more than a friendship. I was always too chicken to ask you out on a date in fear of rejection. I figured you wouldn’t someone as fucked up as me.”

Erasing all your memories / Darling, they won't go so easily / You know I wasn't just a space in your head / I am the flesh and bone and I bleed like the rest

She stared at the tall, muscled boy from across the way in admiration. He and Tony were working on putting something together, and to her, it was completely fascinating. She was so entranced watching them that she didn’t hear someone walk up behind her. 

“Whatcha watching?” 

Jumping, “Did you have to scare me half to death?”

“No, but your reaction was pretty funny,” Natasha looked over y/n’s shoulder and saw what she was watching. “Ah! I see what you were looking at.”

“I was only watching Nat,”

“I don’t think you were actually watching them put together a suit, rather you just stare at spider boy with those heart eyes,”

“Heart eyes? I don’t know what you’re talking about,”

Natasha stared at her knowingly. She knew y/n had feelings for him, and she was going to get her to admit it. “Really? You know exactly what I’m talking about,”

“I don’t like him!” y/n huffed.

“Yes, yes, you do,” Natasha egged her on. 

“NO, I DON’T,”

“Okay, so you don’t like him,”

“But I do like him!” Y/n shouted. When Natasha smirked, she knew Nat did this on purpose. “I hate you so much!”

“You love me,” Natasha gave y/n a hug from the side. “You two would be really cute together.”

She frowned, “My father made me believe that I’d never amount to anything good in life. He told me that I’d lucky enough to find someone willing to love me even though I was messed up. And when you get told things over and over again, you tend to believe it,” she sniffled, wiping away a tear that rolled down her face. Looking at Natasha, she continued. “I thought when Hydra approached me and took me in, I’d finally be able to get away from him and all the abuse he was putting me through. And I did, but I traded mental and emotional abuse for physical abuse. I was tortured when I was with hydra, and it got so bad to the point where I seriously thought about taking my own life.”

“Y/n-” 

“I thank god everyday you guys came when you did. Because if you hadn’t, I would’ve committed suicide that day,” she paused, trying to get her breathing under control. “So tell me why Peter needs someone that’s so damaged like me? He deserves so much better than what I can give him.”

She slowly backed away from Natasha and made her way down the hall to her room. Right now all she wanted was to be alone. Once in her room, she rushed over to the bathroom and stripped off her clothes. She stood in the front of the mirror and ran her fingers over the white lines that covered her body. Her skin was once as smooth and soft as silk, but Hydra changed that. Her father and Hydra ruined her for life.

Well what is this that I can see? / With ice cold hands taking hold of me. / When God is gone and the Devil takes hold. / Who'll have mercy on my soul? / O Death, O Death, consider my age. / Please don't take me at this stage...

O, I am death, and none can tell. / If I open the door to heaven or hell. / No wealth, no land, no silver no gold. / Nothing satisfies me but your soul. / I'm Death, I come to take the soul. / Leave the body and leave it cold. / O, Death. O, Death. / Won't you spare me over 'til another year?...

“You’re one of the strongest people I know, y/n. And your past wouldn’t of made a difference. I love you... always have, always will,” Peter smiled, brushing some of her hair behind her ear. 

“In that case, would you like to go out sometime?”

“I’d love nothing more,” 

They both smiled, but as heartfelt and joyous as the occasion was, she was inching closer to dying; she could feel it. 

“Promise me something, Peter,” she gulped, “Promise me that you’ll take care of yourself. Promise me that you’ll still mourn my death, but move on and live a happy life,”

“Of course,” Peter held out his pinky and connected it with hers. 

A tear rolled out the corner of her eye, “I’ll say hello to Uncle Ben for you,” she whispered as her eyes closed.

So when you come knocking at the door / Begging me for just a little more / You know you cannot say / That I didn’t warn you / Oh, ice can burn as much as flames do...

Your heart froze colder than ice / In time you will realize the sound / Of silence is all that you hear / When your tears are falling like snow / Falling like snow / Your tears are falling like snow...

Peter stood at the podium ready to give his speech. Clearing his throat, “Hello! My name is Peter Parker. And we’ve gathered today to celebrate the life of [y/n] [y/l/n],” Peter said, looking round the room. Y/n’s funeral was small. There had to be roughly around twenty-five to thirty people in attendance. She always mentioned not wanting a big funeral. “Kind, hardworking, trustworthy, loyal, non-judgmental, determined and courageous are just some of the several good qualities that come to mind when I think of y/n. And she taught me something very valuable. That being, ‘Live the life you want because you just don’t when you’ll leave this earth,’. Y/n a rough exterior, but had the warmest, gentlest soul. She’ll be missed dearly.”

After his speech, he gave y/n’s Aunt April a hug and took his seat next to Aunt May. He watched as her Aunt April gave a rather heart wrenching speech. Peter sniffled, attempting not to cry. It failed when she mentioned that y/n would always call her telling her about him. How she thought he was super nerdy, but really sweet and cute. She ended her speech with, “Her and her mother are finally together again,”

After her speech was over, Peter, along with Bucky, Steve, Sam and her two uncles Thomas and Daniel carried the beautiful oak casket out to the hearse. Arriving at the cemetery, a cold breeze blew making Peter bring his coat closer to his body. 

Once everyone took a seat, the preacher started to say, “John 5: 28-29: Do not be amazed at this, for time is coming when all who are in their graves will hear his voice. 29.) And come out - those who have done what is good will rise to live, and those who have done what is evil will rise to be condemned.”

Tony and Pepper first walked up and softly placed down yellow daffodils. Next, Bruce and Natasha put down white lilacs. After them, Wanda set down some pink carnations, and Vision, yellow sunflowers. By the time the attendees placed down all the flowers, y/n’s casket was a colorful arrangement of different flowers.

Walking up, “Until we meet again, my love,” Peter placed a red rose on the top of her casket. As her casket was lowered into the ground, he had a tear roll down his face. “Until we meet again.”

I know this isn’t exactly how a funeral works, but please humor me. I did do research. I tried my best! And each flower I mentioned has some sort of meaning.

I’m 75 away from hitting 1k! Can ya’ll like help a girl out? please and thank you.

Also, can I have some feedback?

Tagging(permanent): 

@buckys-sweetheart @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked @maliasbubble @sergeantjbuckybarnes @patzammit @yagirlmexic @awkwardfangirl2014 @beckieandhertardis @tinycyberhacker @streetghostfighter07

[cinnbar-bun]

Why Vane is the Bestest Boy Ever

Welcome to my TEDtalk this is some real stuff ya’ll NEED to hear because Vane is the absolute best ( to me at least). Sorry this is jumbled af I don’t even know what I wrote. 

Listen I know I talk a lot about Vane and you’re probably sick and tired of it and I understand. BUT LIKE HEAR ME OUT FOR A MINUTE!

So I never really did the subquests early on in my playthrough of GBF mostly because I’m a dumbass and didn’t really realize they were there. ANYWAYS, so my first exposure of Vane came from his SR version (sadly, I don’t have his SSR version,,,,hhhhh please come home). I wasn’t too keen on him at first because he was an SR and in the beginning I was obsessed with getting SSR’s (instead of appreciating quality characters). 

The reason I first got into GBF was because of Lancelot, I thought he was super attractive and w o w cool this looks awesome! So I was hoping to get Lancelot more than anyone else. 

I digress, so I went through Vane’s fate episode really quick, and I just didn’t appreciate his character all too much. Seeing his art, I thought yeah he looked cool but he kinda looks like a smug jerk and I just did not care (especially since I was starting to like Will). I basically forgot I summoned him until I played Defender’s Oath. 

It brought him into a new light for me, because honestly, I did that side quest because of Lancelot. When we see Vane in DO, we see him as somewhat clueless, but overall, a nice guy who just wants to help his friends. I had very low expectations for him, and to just have him in my face acting like the most adorable thing ever was just hhhhhhhhhhh amazing. 

But it also made me get bored with Lancelot, because to me, it felt like all the other Dragon Knights had gotten character development except him. We constantly see Vane grow from being someone who was initially nervous about being Vice-Captain, to being more confident in his role and ensuring the public is happy. And that’s what I think separates Lancelot and Vane the most. While Lancelot does care for the people, he cares more for the well being of the country. Vane however, is just a ball of sunshine who wants to repay his kindness to those who need help (as seen with Bistro Feendrache). 

I’m not saying Lancelot is a bad person by any means, not at all, he is probably what is considered a more ‘ideal knight’ because of his undying loyalty to Feendrache, but Vane is someone who just doesn’t care for titles, he just wants to be by his friends’ side. 

I think his most stellar moment was in Divergent Knighthoods. THIS was what cemented my love for him as my fave character, not only in GBF, but in my entire life. We see him at his most fatherly and courageous form in this quest, and it just is the sweetest thing ever. He jumbles up a bit as Vice-Captain, he’s excitable and kinda immature compared to Lancelot, but that’s what makes him so strong. 

Divergent Knighthoods showed the BEST possible form of Vane by showing us his interactions with Team Chickadee. Sure, Arthur and Mordred were the focal point of it, but we see Vane’s development, as well how he helps the other two. Arthur and Mordred probably would not have gotten as good as they did if it weren’t for Vane. Vane taught them that being a knight doesn’t mean giving up on friendship and kindness, or forgetting what it means to be human. 

Vane is just that. Human. Lancelot and Percival constantly push themselves to be something greater than human, and Seigfried is considered to be god-tier to them. They all idealize Siegfried, but Lancelot and Percival want to be JUST like him that they focus solely on his actions, not why he does what he does. Vane, while he also looks to Siegfried as a role model, doesn’t feel the need to exemplify him. He feels fine the way he is, but he looks up to Siegfried as what greatness can achieve. He wants to be as skilled as Siegfried, but in his own way. 

Vane uses his emotions as a powerful weapon, while Lancelot and Percival try to repress them. They feel that emotions get in the way of decision-making, and that it’ll make them weaker. Vane just doesn’t give a crap and continues dancing to his own beat. He stepped up as a father-figure and mentor to Team Chickadee, and made them stronger by teaching them the importance of emotions. He even commented on something like that when he was interacting with Cruz. The poor boy just wasn’t emotional, and it worried Vane about what his life was like at home. He was so proud of Cruz when he even SMILED, and he treated it like a trophy. 

He’s a very supportive guy as seen when he constantly praised the team for slight accomplishments, even if they seemed stupid in the eyes of others. Lancelot has high expectations for them, and even though they wish to be knights when they’re older, he forgets they’re just kids. Vane knows that they’re just little kids, and he is one at heart, so he has no problem interacting with them and encouraging them to do better. He doesn’t need to act intimidating, because it’s just not in his nature. He doesn’t have to pretend to be someone he’s not, and uses his supposed ‘flaws’ as a tool to get better. 

I also wanna talk about what I think is a slight inferiority complex. Yeah, Vane loves himself, but he loves his friends a lot more. Especially Lancelot. Lancelot grew up with him and is basically his brother from another mother, and Vane trusts him completely. But we see throughout his fate episodes and special cutscenes that he knows Lancelot is more well-loved and respected than he will ever be. 

Valentines Day (year 2): “Aw, man. It's that time of year again... Sucks being that guy that doesn't get anything. Yeah... Oh well! I'll just pretend this chocolate I made came from a girl!”

Valentines Day (year 3): “Man, I knew he was popular... Speaking as a childhood friend, good for him. Bet he's a pretty happy camper. Sigh... I wonder if I'll ever...”

Happy Birthday (year 2): “Hehe, thanks for taking the time to deal with a bum like me! How old are you now? Are you really gonna waste your birthday hangin' around here? You want to be here? Aw man, quit jokin' around! It's not nice to tease people, you know.”

Happy Birthday (year 4): “ I shouldn't stay too long, I don't want to wear you out even more.”

Happy Holidays (year 2):  “ Huh? Oh, hey, (Captain). Are you free right now? Good thing I bumped into you! All right, you get the pleasure of spending the day with me! Not! Yeah, like you'd want to hang out with me, hahaha!” 

Fate Episode [sr version]: “ Y-you really think so? I'm really just trying to be more like Lancey. “

[after you compliment him for being more like Lancelot than he knows]:  “Heheh, thank you! Hearing you say that gives me a real boost, (Captain)!”

LIKE THIS BOY LEGITIMATELY THINKS HANGING OUT WITH HIM IS LIKE THE WORST PUNISHMENT IN HISTORY. It’s so sad because he’s such a lovable goof, and the fact he thinks he’s such a bother because he’s not like Lancelot is just....my heart...

I don’t think he’s actually AWARE of his insecurities when it comes to these sort of things, like he can recognize it in other people, but just can’t see himself being jealous of Lancelot, his best friend. He is not really given much credit for his work, and most dismiss him as a loud idiot who’s just Vice-Captain. Percival’s insults towards Vane doesn’t get him down, but the fact that Lancelot gets more praise for being Captain probably irks him to some degree. 

Honestly, Vane has so much to offer. He is such a romantic, and reading the part in his sr skills episode WHERE HE LITERALLY REMEMBERED A SUBORDINATES ANNIVERSARY AND TOLD HIM TO LEAVE TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS WIFE! Like, catch any of the other guys even remembering what day it is. 

Knights of the Order of White Dragons: With all due respect, First Officer, sir, why are you trying to dismiss me so early? There's still plenty of work to do…

Vane: But isn't it your anniversary today? Don't you think you should go home and be with your wife?

Knights of the Order of White Dragons: Y-you remembered?

Vane: Of course! You were gushing about it the other day!

Vane: One look at that grin on your face and it was seared into my memory!

Knights of the Order of White Dragons: But circumstances are different now…

Knights of the Order of White Dragons: The people are still uneasy after the incident the other day! It's not right for me to get to relax with my wife!

Vane: Don't be stupid! Are you really gonna let this emergency ruin your fun? That's even worse!

LOOK AT HIM! LOOK AT THIS!! He is just all about positivity and having fun, this guy is such a cutie. He just cares about the little people so much. NOT TO MENTION HIS LOVE FOR ELDERLY PEOPLE. He went on a tangent in the special cutscenes about how he wanted to help the old grandmas who helped in his childhood, and the children who appeared in Halloween. This guy cares a lot for the people and he just continues giving love and care for them all despite being considered a lesser version of his best friend from others.  

Vane is by no means a lesser version of Lancelot. He’s a great companion that contrasts well with Lancelot, by reminding him to take care of himself. He bakes, he cooks, he cleans, he does plenty of stuff for the crew and is such hubby material that I BELIEVE EVERY PERSON NEEDS SOMEONE LIKE VANE IN THEIR LIFE. Vane is the gift that keeps on giving, who’ll never stop giving. He cares too much to even bother to think about his own health, and is just the absolute best. 

Maybe I’ll fix this later on idk but like if I continue I’ll ramble for hours about why he’s so precious and ya’ll don’t wanna see that from me. 

But yeah tldr: VANE IS FREAKIN AMAZING AND I LOVE HIM

[glapplebloom]

The Beginning of the End for a lot of things...

It begins with everyone running towards Canterlot Castle. They all got an emergency summons to see the Princess and being an emergency, they think its the worst case scenario. When they arrived, nothing is wrong but the urgent summons is a legit urgency...

They have decided to retire from being a Princess. And who’ll take over being the ruler of Equestria? A certain Purple Alicorn we all know. And the exchange in power will take place in a few days. Twilight takes it well...

Twilight is so predictable on how she would react, everyone decides to call this Twilighting. Also a meta joke about Twilight wondering what they would do without Princess help and them realizing they really haven’t been.

Meanwhile, someone has been gathering the greatest villains of Equestria (as well as Chrysalis) together. This also includes the VERY TALKATIVE King Sombra. Earlier I was wondering how Sombra was going to be like and technically my 3 and 4 were correct...

This Generation’s Grogar was the one who gathered them all together. And with him being able to get Tirek and Cozy out of Tartarus and Sombra from out of the Ether (gonna assume the shard explosion was that), he united them for one goal: to destroy Twilight and Her Friends.

Now if you have been reading my Twilight and the Ministry, I have a currently ongoing story that has a similar premise. I joke about them stealing my idea, but a team of Super Villains uniting is a trope that pretty much anyone has done, and people have done with MLP. So let’s instead focus on improving problems I had with the villains.

On Grogar’s side: the one thing that bothered me from his original was the frikkin bell weakness. Either remove the one around his neck or ring a giant unguarded bell and boom, you beat him. They removed the Bell and also made him not only the first ruler of Equestria, but also the father of monsters. In a sense, everyone here is his kids.

On the flipside: Sombra has become a completely different character. He’s shown more personality (and said things) within this one scene compared to the two parter. In fact, he wants to go at it alone to take over the Crystal Empire himself. So Grogar allows it: if Sombra succeeds, he can keep the Empire. If he fails, either he’ll return to serve Grogar or return to the darkness he once came.

At the School of Friendship, Twilighting has gone Code Red. Starlight tries to do reverse psychology by Twilighting herself when she heard the news that she’ll be taking over the castle and the school when Twilight takes over Equestria. Didn’t work.

After being sent there by Grogar, Sombra takes over the Crystal Empire pretty easily. Those helmets mind control ponies, which he can do without them. And once he captured Flurry Heart, Cadance and Shining fell. Luckily she sent a note to Twilight before that happened. Of course, this wouldn’t happen if the Crystal Guards were good at their jobs.

Back with Twilight, since Discord refuses to help (you’ll see why later), Twilight gathers her friends to stop Sombra by bringing with them the Elements of Harmony because they fear he will have the Crystal Heart. While Discord says it doesn’t count on handling things on her own, when family is threatened she has to take no chances.

And they seemingly defeated Sombra pretty easily. But it turns out this was all a ploy by Sombra to follow them to the Tree of Harmony and destroy it alongside the Elements. At this point I figured: oh, they’re still in the Sombra Nightmare and they’ll bust out when they realize the elements are within them. But nope, this is all real.

So let’s summarize the next few parts: Sombra captures them, decides to not give them the Sombra Nightmare Stare because he’s going to use Ponyville as his army against Canterlot. He succeeds in taking over Canterlot because the Princesses weren’t there. And because the Tree of Harmony was keeping the Everfree Forest in check, vines are taking over Ponyville.

So remember when people were complaining that Sunset Shimmer’s plan wasn’t going to work? Sombra pretty much showed that yeah, it totally would have worked.

Back to summarizing, the Girls dig their way out (including Rarity), Luna, Celestia, and Starswirl kept the Everfree Forest at bay and the girls got passed all of Canterlot and Ponyville (including against the Wonderbolts) to try to face Sombra on their own.

With the exception of Discord because he probably could have solved this instantly. But after saying Fluttershy is his favorite, Sombra attacks her. Discord jumps in front of it to save her, and seems hurt serverely. But one last pep talk from him gives Twilight and the others the confidence to defeat Sombra.

Because they are the Elements of Harmony. They don’t need no stinking Jewelry to defeat him. Sombra is defeated once more. Everyone is back. Discord reveals he was pretending to be hurt to give them confidence, and the Princess delaying their retirement because, while Twilight has proven she would be a great leader, it was unfair of them to rush her into the role.

But with Sombra’s defeat Grogar warns them that unless they work together, they will succeed where Sombra fails. Overall, a great beginning to the end of the series. I bet this will lead to a great finale.

Rewriting it is going to be tricky. For starters, spoilers, Tempest is going to be working the Crystal Empire beat. So off the bat they’ll be major changes with the story going forward. Plus, I reformed Sombra taking into consideration the Siege of the Crystal Empire as canon. So I would have to figure out how Sombra became bad.

Decided to go the clone route because, face it, this Sombra and the Sombra we saw previously are like two completely different people. One is so questionable if he was a threat and the other definitely showing a lot more creativity, personality, and ability. And with how powerful Grogar is, I can totally see him making a Sombra from the Evil that left him (maybe throw in the Mirror Sombra as being a base, maybe not).

So the difference will be the following: Grogar united the villains to defeat Apple Bloom once and for all. He created the Copy Sombra to fill in the ranks, but because of how different he is refuses to go along and try to take over himself. Grogar allows it, knowing he could always make another. When Cadance sends a letter to Ponyville, its to Apple Bloom.

Tempest, realizing how the Storm King took over the Crystal Empire, went to protect Flurry Heart before Sombra could get to her. So Tempest and Cadance takes on Sombra while Shining Armor does his best to deal with those under mind control. Sombra is doing well since Tempest is doing double duty on protecting Flurry and Cadance, who she doesn’t want to see get hurt.

Apple Bloom eventually arrives and tackles Sombra away from the two. This gives Tempest time to give Flurry Heart to Cadance and join the fight proper. Sombra isn’t doing as well against two Green Lanterns, but every time Apple Bloom tries to capture him he slips by. That’s when Tempest got an idea. 

Using the Ring, Tempest creates a Green Energy Ball that looks similar to her time working with the Storm King. While Apple Bloom continues to distract, the Tempest comes out of nowhere and hits Sombra head first with it, turning him into stone. Apple Bloom catches him before he smashes to the ground, because she wants answers as to why Sombra turned bad again.

So while Grogar warns the others about failure, the real Sombra and Hope make their way back to the Crystal Empire, finally finding a way for Sombra to be next to the Crystal Heart without being hurt. This will lead to next week’s story... Also, I’ll be needing to resprite Sombra as well as make a new Tirek sprite. I get the feeling I’ll be needing them soon enough.

[stylo-xx]

Never Been Kissed (M)

G-Dragon: Fluff/Small Amount of Angst

PART 1: Ah, Love the Unrequited Kind; Just How I Like It.

A/N: M rating mostly for language at this point. just a bit of a ‘testing the waters’ type of post. If ya’ll seem interested I’ll keep expanding on this one, for now just a little somethin-somethin’ to get ya’ll by.

P.S: songs for your listening pleasure: (BLACKPINK)|| (Samantha Harvey)

P.P.S: Obviously ‘All I Ask’ doesn’t belong to me nor to the character but this is more or less what I pictured her sounding like singing this song.

P.P.P.S: for those of you that didn’t get that ‘Sixteen Candles’ reference (educate yourself)

   Her fingers daintily hovered over the ivory keys, as she took a deep breath before letting her fingers dance across them. Slowly letting the music engulf her being, she closed her eyes painting mental images of a harlequin romance unfolding before her. A love that was simple; no cat and mouse games, no ‘he said she said’ business, no bullshit. Something as easy as ‘I want you to want me’. Boom, plain and simple.

She opened her mouth and began to sing as the words seemed to effortlessly flow out of her soul. Those very few months ago when she first penned the song, she was very hesitant to release the it; she felt she had been a bit too dramatic and no one would like it. Much to her surprise now months later, after the song debuted on the newest, most trending K-Drama of the year, she was being recognized for her efforts and receiving a well-deserved award.

Sure she had, had other accolades under her belt, and being under thirty years of age to boot, none of them seemed to have made her feel as accomplished as this. She had written countless songs for other artists, songs for films and television but she felt that none of those written previously were as raw and open as this was.

Coming to the end of the song she closed her eyes tight and belted out the last few lines of the song, evoking so much passion.

“Bravo” he slow clapped snapping her out of her trance.

“Ahh!” she jumped making her hands smash into the piano keys “Ji-Yong I told you to stop sneaking up on me like that!” she held hand over her heart “you know for someone who spends a hell of a long time in a recording studio, you seem to forget that the glowing red light outside the door means recording in session do not enter”

“You know I dont get why you don't just go up there and sing it yourself. you're letting all these people believe that your amazing voice is hers” he ignored.

She cleared her throat “well unfortunately we both know I don't do well in front of people like that. And besides she has acute bronchitis, I’m pretty sure no one wants to hear her hacking up phlegm while she ‘sings’ her heart out” she air quoted “I don't mind having other people being the face to my music, just as long as that check comes in with my name on it, it's all good”

He laughed “okay genius but what are you gonna do for tonight when you have to accept your award? have her mouth your acceptance speech?”

“No...that's why you're my date”

“Oh?” he chuckled.

“Yeah, if you're with me you'll direct all the attention away. Once they see you, my speech won't even be a passing thought in their memories”

“You get that once everyone realizes it’s you who won it won’t just be something they’ll forget? can't really erase the memory of the kid that started her career in one of the best dramas like ever. and she was only fifteen”

“Can we not talk about my short lived acting career please? Or any of my past... you know I get war flashbacks about that....”

“You know who’ll really would recognize you?” he smirked

“Okay and zero mention of Jae-Won please!”

“Okay sorry” he chuckled and stepped closer to her and touched her cheek making her cheeks grow hot.

“I still think you should be the one singing your own song” he said sincerely, looking into her eyes making her heart beat loudly in her ears.

“But then again...” he pulled away “you are a chicken, so just be ready by seven. I'll come get you later” he winked as he walked out the door.

She rolled her eyes, making a face and let out a heavy sigh.

“Why am I even friends with him? She threw her head back.

She sighed heavily and blew a stray hair out of her face

“What am I gonna do?” she groaned.

It wasn’t a lie when she said she didn’t do well being the front and center of attention, though of course she wasn’t as terrible as Carrie White was in handling such social situations. Sure, yes it was true she had started out doing dramas and commercials when she was younger but after a traumatizing event of utter embarrassment, she wasn’t quite as keen to be seen in front of the camera; she was more of a behind the scenes kind of person since then. Of which Ji-Yong had no understanding of whatsoever, but to someone as charismatic and charming as Ji-Yong was it was a simple fix; just don’t be nervous. He too had his moments of being shy around unfamiliar faces and would blush at any and all compliments he received, as Kwon Ji-Yong that is. But as G-Dragon, that was a completely different story. He was as successful as he was because he knew when to turn it on, he knew when it was time to don his idol mask and pretend he wasn’t some shy guy who was just really into Chanel and Dragon Ball Z. No, when G-Dragon came around all eyes were on him as if his mere presence commanded the room and the party truly hadn’t started until he walked in. For her however, it was far from easy.

Despite her inability to stand in front of thousands of eyes peering at her and not shutter at the absolute thought of being with someone in an exclusive relationship, she made up for it ironically it writing romanticized songs. Sure she’d sprinkle in a few song about love that actually worked out, but the real heart of it were the songs about having your heart completely shattered, but what really drove people toward her music was how it managed to somehow bring them to tears, strike a raw nerve, make them long for somebody that didn’t even exist; the types of songs that you wholeheartedly serenade to your dog at three in the morning.

Though truthfully, even though she wouldn’t admit it, there were those evenings she would be stuck in a endless hole where he own ‘genius’ about drove herself mad when she would lay back on her bed and google for hours on end Jae-Won and Ji-Yong’s past dating history; all the girls were the same: beautiful beyond belief and were some kind of model or actress. She’d sigh to herself and grab a pillow off her bed and press it flush to her face, contemplating whether or not she could smother herself out of these thoughts but to no avail; she had deadlines to meet. She would repeat to herself: ‘why couldn’t I be like them? What did they have,aside from being blessed with godlike good looks, that I didn’t?’ I mean she had a great personality, she was an excellent listener, she didn’t think she was completely unfortunate looking and she wrote how many award winning songs for people? She didn’t get it. Her grandmother always told her she was such a catch and that any boy would be so lucky to have her but the longer her life went without even the slightest bit of a romantic relationship with any man, let alone anybody, she was beginning to believe that she was destined to be some shut in cat lady that somehow managed to write successful songs about love. Or at least about what she heard read about and seen in movies. For once she just wanted her life to end up like some cheesy 80’s romance movie. She wanted her Jake Ryan waiting outside the church leaning against his red, 1983 Porsche 944 ready to whisk her away to a happily ever after. But unfortunately for her, her life wasn’t a cheesy 80’s romance movie and Jake Ryan wasn’t going to be waiting for her anywhere any time soon. She, somehow, managed to become a decently wealthy shut-in that wrote songs about a love that didn’t exist. At least not in the way she wrote them. Her only claim to feeling heartbreak was her last season of her drama when she thought she was finally mature enough for Jae-Won to not look at her like some kid anymore and actually someone who had feelings and wants and needs too. But then he showed up with his model girlfriend and all her hopes were shattered. She was used to feeling like at times maybe some guys did like her and find her attractive but it would always end with ‘what’s your friend’s name?’ Or ‘can you put in a good word with your friend for me?’ Something every girl is just dying to hear.

She’d even had a crush on Ji-Yong at some point when they first started working together; even when she felt like she had been ridiculously lucky to even be in his presence. Becoming his close friend was just an incredible bonus. Ji-Yong had this way of making you feel like he and you were the only two people in the room; like no one else mattered. The way he’d speak to you was as if all of his attention was centered on you and nothing and no one could change that. Figures, someone that good looking and as exceedingly charming as he was would make one feel that way the way he’d look at you was the way that one could only dream of; it was no wonder why so many people around the world fawned over him. But alas came the realization that she wasn’t special and he wasn’t somehow falling in love with the ugly duckling he just simply took pity. That pity turned eventually to friendship. When he had finally showed up with a girlfriend one day she knew he was too good to be true. But so it goes.

She was used to living vicariously through her friends romantic relationships. She just wished that for once if there were some higher being that they’d give her a break and let her find someone that would let her give her whole heart to them and receive their love right back. More specifically speaking, if it were Jae-Won; if she could magically make her childhood crush see her in a different light maybe then she’s have a chance. Forget anyone else she just wanted to be with the image of Jae-Won that she had built up in her head. She may have had crushes here and there on other guys but her heart always came back to him. Ji-Yong and the others were just something nice to look at occasionally.

“You choked”

“I did not choke!”

“Yes you did!” he smiled “you had the guy right in front of you and you turned into jelly”

“Oh, as if you’ve never felt that way for a girl you liked” she crossed her arms.

“Nope never” he smirked.

“Pfft, yeah right”

“Look this isn’t about me, this about how the guy you’ve been pining over since you were a teenager for a second looked at you like he was ready to eat a full course meal and then you started sweating like you were in a sauna and turned into fucking ‘Rain Man’ telling him how you got Ramin Karimloo to sign your ‘Phantom of the Opera’ playbill last summer”

She stared at him for a moment before opening her mouth to speak “okay, I may have choked a little...”

“I think a little is a bit of an understatement in your case”

“Okay and you saying that I was flailing like a passenger from Titanic in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean is an overstatement and quite frankly insensitive” she quirked her head “too soon to be making those kinds of jokes don’t you think?”

“It’s been over a hundred years!” he threw up his hands.

“Too soon” she pointed at him.

“Bonjour Madame et Monsieur, my name is Jacques I shall be your server tonight. Can I get you started with anything to drink?” the waiter set down wine glasses on the table.

“Yes thank you can we have a bottle of the best Cabernet Sauvignon you’ve got please” Ji-Yong smiled.

“And for your girlfriend Monsieur? The Cabernet as well?”

“Oh she’s not my girlfriend” he laughed “just good friends”

She bit the inside of her bottom lip trying to mask how hard his insignificant comment hurt and how quickly he responded to the waiter without hesitation.

“I’ll just have a water, no ice please” she forced a smile.

“On second thought--” he mumbled to himself “come on babe, no wine this time? We are celebrating our anniversary after all right? Got to set the mood for later tonight” Ji-Yong winked smirking as he reached out to hold her hand she had resting on the table.

The waiter awkwardly chuckled “ah, congratulations”

‘Oh, not good enough to actually date me but I am good enough to play a prank on the waiter...’ she thought.

“Water. No ice” she glared at him as she snatched her hand away from under his.

“Erm, Oui Madame et Monsieur I will return shortly”  the waiter hurriedly took his leave before anymore awkward animosity could come out of their mouths.

“What the hell was that about?” Ji-Yong chuckled.

“Me?! What the hell are you doing?” she furrowed her brows.

“Oh come on it’s just a little fun” the smirk never seeming to falter from his face.

“Yeah at my expense”

“Just a joke babe”

“And I told you to stop calling me that!” she huffed “what are you gonna do next make out with me in front of the waiter?!”

“If that makes it more convincing then sure why not?” his eyes dropped down at her lips before making eye contact again.

She could feel the intensity of her heart pounding against her chest and an unbelievable urge to douse herself in ice cold water so no one would notice how hot her cheeks had gone and that it had made that feeling return of standing in the middle of a sauna in a heavy winter coat while wearing layers upon layers of clothing

“Look at you! I was just messing with you” he chuckled “I wouldn't kiss you--”

“Gee, thanks for the ego boost” she scoffed.

“I didn’t mean it like that” he reached across the table attempting again to hold the hand she rested on the table before she snatched her purse off the table as she stood up.

“Yeah, yeah I know what you meant” she began hastily walking toward the emergency exit.

“Wait where are you going?!” he called back from the table making people sitting around him stare.

“I'll be at the studio writing the next big hit about how my complete lack of allure shot the dating horse in the face” she yelled back as the heavy door closed behind her.

“But they haven’t even brought out the drinks!” he cleared his throat as he looked around at all the eyes staring back at him “sorry..”

“Eh, Monsieur” the waiter cleared his throat.

“Hmm?” Ji-Yong turned to face him.

“Since you and Madame are celebrating your anniversary I thought I would bring you our finest wine” he forced a smile “should I wait for Madame to come back?”

“No, Jacques I don’t think she’s coming back”

“Non? Wh-what happened?”

“She’s leaving me Jacques” Ji-Yong said nonchalantly.

“Leaving you?” he quirked an eyebrow as he took her seat and began pouring Ji-Yong a glass full of wine.

“Thank you” Ji-Yong took a sip of the wine “yeah, it’s such a shame too, I just hope the kids don’t take it too hard”

“Oh Mon Dieu, not the children” Jacques gasped.

“Cheers to that my friend”

“Was there another man?”

“Yeah, just too bad she couldn’t even say hello to him”

[channiespeach]

Love, Chan

genre: college! fluff! angst! best friends to lovers! bang chan au ~gif: @felixynthesis

word count: 4934 

prompt: sorta a spin off from the English film ‘Love, Rosie’ (this is my favorite movie ever, highly recommend!). Chan befriended you your first year of college, him being an upperclassman and majoring in psychology as well. The two of you met during a heated class discussion about abortions and hit things off from there, becoming the closest of friends. Unfortunately, keeping no more than the title of being his ‘best friend’, never prevented you from falling helplessly in love with your best friend. One night, you and Chan went to a party together, in which resulted to Chan getting intoxicated and kissing you. Before you could confess your feelings to Chan based on the previous night’s occurrences, he ended up getting into a relationship. The two of you went on pretending that, that night never happened and you pushed your feelings further underneath the rug. 

~

Don’t cry, you’re a bad bitch. You should’ve known this would come sooner or later, you put yourself into this trap by falling for your bloody best friend!

“I’ve always thought that of all people who’ll support me, you were always one of them” Chan’s fist aggressively hit the alleyway’s brick wall, beside your head. “I was wrong” He chuckled bitterly. Sweat was trickling down his collar bones, evidently from the loose black material of his low cut t-shirt. His lips were pressed together in a tight line, veins protruding all over the place. His eyes were glossed, beaming with redness and his breathing was sporadic, his movements fidgeting. I knew better than anyone when he’s angry, presently being no different. 

“I support you more than anyone in your entire fucking lifetime ever could and you’re damn aware of that!” I scoffed defensively at his remark. “There’s a difference between being supportive and looking out for someone” I spoke calmly, choosing my words carefully so things won’t be taken out of context. I kept a confident composure, straightening my posture and initiating eye contact, showing that I’m not intimidated by him in the slightest. 

“Don’t be pulling the superhero card on me!” Chan threw his head back dramatically, laughing menacingly.  “Because if that was really the case, then why do you feel the need to constantly butt yourself into my personal life? I’m allowed to have relations with others outside of our friendship and I don’t need your approval” I must admit, that stung and left a flavor of distaste in my mouth. He made it seem as though I was controlling every aspect of his life, when it’s been far from. I’ve always been so selfless when it comes to him, in fact. I’ve stayed up for ungodly hours helping him prepare special songs to please her and I’ve gotten up past the dead of night to go over and console him until he was sane enough, whenever they’d have fights. I’ve always been nothing but dependable to him and listened to the dysfunction his dear heart pelted.  All this has never left the most beneficial mark on my emotional state, but I’d rather keep him happy than myself. For awhile now, I’ve come to an understanding that I’ll never be her. She’s the center of his universe, the blue in his eyes, and the air he purely breathes. I could never compete with that. Although, such things have never kept me from being someone he can always rely on. It’s always been my duty as a best friend.

“Do you know how ridiculous you’re sounding right now?” I took a step closer to him, crossing my arms. “Why do you stoop so much lower than what you deserve, Channie?” I croaked, my voice softening and losing some of its tranquility. I’m not going to cry, not in front of him at least. Save the water works for when you get home.

“Only my real friends get to call me that” He sneered at me. I lost my cool from there, as much as I’d let my heavy heart be continuously outweighed by him. One thing I couldn’t stand any longer is watching my best friend get hurt, him being fully unaware of her motive. The boys even agreed with me, so I wasn’t the only one seeing this. It was time I put my foot down and if he can’t even handle the truth put to him gently, then there’s no other way. 

“God! How can you be so in denial?” I groaned exasperatedly, dropping my arms to my sides and balling them into fists. Before he could interject, I cut him off, “No, it’s time you listen to me for once! I’ve been nothing but a true friend to you, even though you’re saying either wise. I’ve never been taken into accountability for how much I do for you. Are you aware of how much sleep I’ve lost over you in the past just to make sure that you’re okay? I’m not complaining because I’d do it all in a heart beat for you over and over again” I took a shaky breath, continuing, “And the fact that you’d take her word over someone whose wanted nothing but the best for you for over three years, when you’ve only known her for a few months? Chan, she’s just stringing you along, as well as many others. It’s time for you to stop caring so much for others and allow yourself to be taken care of” 

“I’m in denial?” He scoffed. “You’re just hung up from when we kissed at that stupid party. The only person you’re looking out for is yourself! You can’t stand me being happy with someone else that’s not you and never will be you. You’re so fucking selfish!” He spat at me, before saying the seven most hurtful words in existence, “I’d choose her over you any day” Next thing I knew, I slapped him. I lost all sight of myself, but I was far from caring at this point. 

“Fine. You no longer have to deal with the burden of feeling like I’m restricting you from associating with the outside world anymore. Congratulations!” Giving him a disdainful smile, I allowed the pools of tears to spill down my cheeks, before turning away from him. For a second, I could’ve sworn his expression softened, but it was too late because I’d already left. 

☾  3 years ago

“It’s true that abortions are one of the single most disgusting things humanely possible, but that doesn’t always mean that whoever chooses to pursue the procedure are all insensitive human beings” I argued. 

“Doesn’t mean that some of them can be. There are options, such as adoption if the parents can’t be responsible enough to raise the child themselves” The fluffy blond, whose been debating with me for the past 20 minutes, stated. It’d be an understatement that I was attracted to him. He was courageous, thought carefully before speaking and was confident with how he held himself up. Not to mention, he was cute. His wavy, bleached hair was messily sprawled across his head, framing the front of his face, looking similarly to a stem of broccoli. But, gave his exterior a cute puppy dog look. He was not too tall and not too short, but still towered over me a decent amount. He was fixated in an over-sized grey sweatshirt (did I mention guys in grey sweatshirts are my weakness). He had the fullest blushed lips I’ve ever encountered, which were always concocted into the most beautiful smirk. Other times, he was smiling so bright that it could cure cancer itself. Goddamn, was I swooning and there was no doubt about it. I’ve noticed him around plenty of times, since we’re both majoring in psychology and taking similar classes. But, I was too scared to act upon anything. But, of course I’m going to keep my guard up until I win this damn debate. Yes, he may be cute but, he’s not getting away with it that easily. Nothing gets in the way of my snarky attitude. 

“You have a point. I agree that having an abortion is an inexcusable act, but what if the father is an abusive nutcase who’d refuse to sign the adoption papers or something and the child would be forced to be had in a hostile environment? This world’s a cruel place, after all. I agree with you that adoption should be the main verdict, instead of an abortion. Although, I can’t come to terms with you that anyone who decides to go through with the operation are all insensitive people because there could always be more to it” I took my time to present my argument in a time manageable manner, so the discussion would be closed by the time class is dismissed and no more additional comments could made. 

“I’m Chan” The flimsy blond introduced himself, extending out his hand to me and flashing me a dimply smile. & that’s how all great things aligned. 

☾ almost 1 year ago

“No way, you’re high! I’m not going to a party the weekend before finals. That’s outrageous!” I exclaimed, opposed to Chan’s proposition. 

“Y/N, you’re such a drag! Won’t you loosen up for just this once and live a little?” Chan groaned, giving me the most displeased look imaginable. 

“Absolutely not! You do understand how important this graded debate is, right? I have so much preparation and notes to work on, yet. Unlike you, I actually want to get far in life” I scoffed at his nonsense and he chuckled lightly at my persistence, throwing his head forward cutely. 

“You do realize how important this party is for me right? It’s being thrown by Changbin, meaning it’s going to be the party of the year and there’s going to be so many hot girls there!” He emphasized dramatically, making his argument more unappealing. My heart stopped for a second from the mention of other girls, making me despise going even more. 

“Then just bring one of those other bitches, instead. I’m not going!” I snapped at him, shoving all my materials in my bag, aggressively and stomping out of the library. I understand I’m being temperamental for no reason, but is he fucking serious? Is he really going to torture me like that and drag me to a party to hustle other females, in fucking front of me? Even though, he’s completely unaware of my feelings towards him, but still! 

“What’s up with you? Are you on your period or something? Goddamn!” He scampered in front of me, in response to my abrupt movements. I gasped in astonishment, preparing to continue my angry march. “Wait! I really want you to go. I want nothing more, but for you out of anyone else to accompany me tonight” He pleaded, placing his hands atop my shoulders to stop me in my tracks. I huffed, fixating my bag’s strap on my shoulder and shook off his touch. Before I could argue, he cut me off, already knowing what I’m about to say, “Enough with the damn debate, Y/N. Just wing it! You’ll do great, I have faith in you” He cupped my cheeks, smooshing them both together, continuing. “Pretty please, Y/N? Your best friend needs you, please help him” His eyes twinkled at me, smiling down at me irresistibly. He made it nearly impossible for me to say no with those damned dimples of his, unfair. 

I tilted my head slightly to look up at him and dropped my shoulders, debating internally with myself. Being the weak bitch I am, I gave in, “Fine, but I swear to god, Chan, if you make one more comment about my period again, deal’s off!” He smirked and nodded, in response to getting his way. “By the way, you’re in charge of bringing the bottle and whatever the fuck else” I deadpanned, poking his chest with my pointer finger. I made sure to keep my hard ass composure to show he didn’t fully one up me, even though he’d had, but he doesn’t need to know that. 

“You got it, hard ass” He saluted me, draping an arm around my shoulder. “For a second there, I could’ve sworn you were in love with me or something” Oh fuck you, you piece of shit. 

“That’s the most outrageous thing you’ve said all day” 

-

Luckily, Chan didn’t hustle any girls at the party like I thought he would, but got piss drunk not even an hour in, instead. Boy, is he lucky I have mom like instincts. Unfortunately, I was tipsy myself, so I wasn’t thrilled to have to babysit him. So, we ended up leaving, when I was a few drinks in. As much as I wanna tell myself I’m mad at him, I’m relieved we left before the drunk hoes could acknowledge his beauty. Leaving the party itself was a bitch, he was practically draping over me, giving off an illusion we’re together. Shit, I wasn’t complaining though.

“Y/N, you have to listen to me!” Chan exclaimed loudly, when I shoved him onto the bed.

“Channie, you should really get some rest. It’s been a long night and you’re drunk” I spoke in a hushed voice, seating myself on the edge of Chan’s bed. “You know, you’re not as light as you look” I teased him, rubbing my sore blades. 

“But Y/N, I just want to tell you how much I love you and appreciate you for always taking such good care of me. You’re the best, best friend I could ever have!” He continued his loud administrations, but I couldn’t help but giggle softly at how cute he’s being.

“I love you too Channie and I appreciate that and all, but you really need to lower your voice. You’re making a lot of commotion and we don’t need someone to make a call thinking someone’s getting killed or something” I shushed him, putting my index finger to his lips. 

“I love you more! You’re so pretty!” He chirped, keeping the same volume control and sat up along beside me from his laying position. I tilted my head slightly at him, baffled as he placed a hand on the farthest side of my face, his fingers dancing on my skin. My heart skipped a beat at his next move, he closed the space between us and intertwined our lips. Was I really kissing my best friend right now? I felt a surge of butterflies kissing me from head to toe and I was seeing the world in different colors. For me, this was a dream come true, but I was so confused as to why this all felt so right to me. I didn’t feel a sense of guilt kissing my best friend, unsure if he feels the same way about me. I felt at pure bliss and like I was at home, being entangled in his hold. In this moment, I realized that whether Chan loves me or not, he is my home. The kiss was nearly a peck and lasted only for a brief second, but I felt and concluded a lot in that short second, like the way his lips felt pressed with mine

“Will you lay with me until I fall asleep?” He spoke, looking at me with uncertainty. I couldn’t tell if it was because he regretted kissing me or if he’s scared I’ll tell him no. Whatever the reason, I felt my heart tear right down the middle. Did he not feel anything? “Please?” He begged in a small voice, breaking my thoughts. I’m trying my hardest not to feel this strongly about him, but he just makes things so hard. How could I not love him? It’s so selfish to love someone and expect them to love you back, if it’s unclear. Especially your best friend. I nodded, fixating myself beside him. I just can’t seem to tell him no, I’m weak when it comes to him, no matter how much I speak either wise. He pulled me by the small of my waist, molding our bodies so close together, that I was engulfed into him completely and could hear his heartbeat.  His head was snuggled atop of my chest with my chin rested on his scalp, and my fingers weaving through his frizzy curls. I continued my administrations, until he was coaxed to sleep. 

“Oh Chan, I think I won the argument for who loves who the most” 

I haven’t talked to Chan all weekend since the party, but it was fine since I had lots of preparation to do for exams. After all, being a student majoring in psychology is a lot of work. Although, as selfish as it sounds, I’m a bit disappointed he hasn’t tried to contact me. I knew sooner or later that I had to face my problems and confess, whether he reciprocated them or not. I couldn’t run and avoid my feelings towards him for forever, as much as I desired the idea. During the time span of being away from him, I’d decided that first thing after the class debate, I’m going to confront him. 

“Hey, Y/N” Chan approached me once class was dismissed, while I was packing up all my materials meticulously. “I just wanted to apologize for going MIA on you this weekend, I’ve been pretty busy and hungover as fuck” He chuckled deeply, his dimples kissing at his cheeks prominently. 

“No worries, Channie! I’ve been so busy studying for this debate to notice” I giggled at him halfheartedly, ruffling down his angelic locks. Lies. “Any who, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something. Would you wanna grab some coffee and catch up?” I finished, biting my lip nervously and kicking the toe of my sneaker out into the dirt. 

“Yeah! That’d be great actually. I’ve been meaning to tell you some news as well” Chan agreed, smiling so wide that angels were dancing around his face. “I’ll text you, okay? I just got some stuff to sort out real quick and I’ll meet you there later” He chimed cheerily, backing away from me before exiting the classroom, after I’d nodded in approval. My body froze up after he’d disappeared, was I blushing? I raised up my hand to my warm cheeks, in conformation, that I indeed was. 

channie: Meet you there at 5? Can’t wait to see you! :) me: ahahaha me too. see ya then!

Time flew by quickly and before I knew it, the clock already striked 4:45 pm. I checked myself in the mirror quickly, fixating the frizzy strands of hair falling out of my messy bun that had gotten stuck in my circular glasses, before heading out. 

Walking up to the cafe, I saw Chan seated in our usual spot by the window. A smile brimmed its way onto my features, my heart swelling at just the sight of the love of my life. Then, reality punched me in the face when a girl sat herself by his side. She had short hair with thin bangs and long features, overall she was beautiful. She was everything I’m not, of course he’d go for her. I felt tears well up into my eyes, cussing at myself for being so stupid. I dodged a corner before I could make eye contact with him and cried for a few short minutes, that felt like an eternity of heartbreak. I heaved, pulling myself together before entering the cafe, a smile forged on my face. 

“Y/N, you’re here! I was starting to get worried, you’re late” Chan greeted me, as I seated myself across from him. “I’ve been meaning for you to meet someone. This is my girlfriend, Yuri” Chan introduced us, continuing, “Yuri, meet my best friend, Y/N” 

“It’s so nice to meet you! Congratulations to the both of you!” 

I felt like I’d been shot.

☾ 3 months ago

I’d been awoken from my slumber to the ringer of my phone blaring mercilessly and its brightness illuminating my face. It can’t be time for morning classes already, it’s still dark and there’s no such thing as daylight savings here. I groggily reached for my phone, seeing a call from Chan. Has something happened?

“Hello?” I yawned. I heard sniffles and heavy panting on his side of the line. “What happened? Is everything okay?” I sat up alarmed, my voice losing its drowsiness and becoming coated with a thick layer of worry instead. 

“Y/N, I know it’s late, but, I-I just really need you right now. Can you come over?..” Chan sobbed. I only could make out snippets of what he said because he was crying like a bitch. 

“Yeah, yeah. That’s fine. What time is it?” I rubbed my face, in attempt to wake myself up. 

“Almost 4″ He spoke shakily. My eyes widened in disbelief, pulling my phone away from my ear to check for myself. 

“Okay, I’ll be right there” I assured him, hanging up the call. 

I made it to the dorms safe and sound, making it over to Chan’s room quietly, being careful not to wake any of his roomates. I made it over to his form, curled up in a ball and his back faced towards me. 

“Aw Channie, please don’t cry! You’re really breaking my heart right now! Tell me, what’s the matter?” I cooed at him, cuddling up behind him and rubbing his back. 

“I really fucked up with, Yuri. I love her so much, I don’t wanna lose her” Chan turned around, facing me, eyes all red and puffy. 

“Don’t say that. How’d you fuck things up?” I wiped away the fresh tears from his eyes with the pads of my thumbs, pushing the lose stands of hair out of his face. 

“S-so, there was this guy hitting on her in front of me and he was being really disrespectful to her. Well, I ended up stepping in and saying something to him. She got really upset with me because she wanted to deal with it on her own and she said how I dealt with it was immature” He teared up, clouds ready to spur from his gloomy eyes. 

“What did you say to him?” I rocked him back and forth in my arms, speaking in a barely audible whisper. 

“Just to lay off and that she’s not interested” He rubbed at his eyes, letting out a broken sigh. Wow, what a lucky and ungrateful bitch. 

“Well, she’d be stupid to lose an amazing guy like you. I think you did the right thing by sticking up for her. It’s wrong she didn’t fend for herself right away, letting the guy know she’s in a relationship with you” I reasoned. 

“I shouldn’t have gotten so possessive of her and have been such a selfish asshole. She’s a grown woman, she’s more than capable of handling such things herself. I need to make it up to her” He shook his head, completely disregarding everything I’d said. 

“How are you going to make things up to her?” I questioned, blandly. My heart broke seeing him fall apart like this and blaming himself for everything. It’s like watching you’re entire world crumble to pieces. Even though, he’s fully unaware of this, he is my world.

“I don’t know. Write a song maybe? But, we have completely different music tastes, that if I do make her something, I’m afraid she won’t like it” Chan pulled apart from my grasp to lay on his back, staring up at his ceiling with emptiness. 

“She’d be dumb not to like it.  What are you waiting for? Let’s write a song for Yuri, together!” I faked a spontaneous tone, in order to motivate him. 

“You’d really help me write a song for her?” Chan sat up with me, smiling brightly at me. 

“I’d do anything for you, as long as you’re happy” I nodded at him. 

“You’re the best!” He jumped at me, hugging me in a tight embrace. 

I stayed up with him, helping him compose lyrics and listened to different beats that’ll best fit the song. He ended up overworking himself, falling asleep hunched over his laptop, when I checked up on him. 

I grabbed a blanket from his room and draped it over his body, before leaving for morning classes.  

☾  2 years later

Has anyone ever been in a situation that they don’t understand how the fuck they got into it in the first place? Well, that’s me right now. I’m currently at a speed dating event, which I have no clue why I thought would be a good idea. Maybe, it’s the fact that the love department has lacked since I’d met Chan, which was almost 5 years ago. I haven’t felt as strongly about anyone as much as I did for him, which sucks because it makes me sound like a complete wuss. I might as well go bury my love life and kiss it goodbye because I’d rather die alone than be here. Luckily, I have this glass of wine keeping me sane. Never in my life have I felt more like one of those single moms who cries in the corner of the club wearing a fancy cocktail dress with a glass of red wine in hand, wondering what went wrong in their lives, like I do right now. Wow, that was oddly descriptive. So, how this convocation works is everyone’s gathered in a circle with woman all on one side and the men on the other (wow what happened to gender roles not being a thing anymore) and everyone has five minutes to chat, then the men rotate and switch partners. But, if both partners are satisfied with each other, they’ll ring the bell at the center of the table to indicate they’re set with each other for the rest of the event. Don’t get me wrong, I was totally down with the event for the first 20 minutes. Then, I’d ended up chatting with over 10 guys, leaving unsatisfied each time and just lost hope. I figured out that I’m only here to find someone exactly like Chan, in order to get back at him and bring myself closure. But in reality, no one is ever going to compare to him. 

“Rough day?” A familiar voice rang my ears. My heart skipped a beat in relief that he’s here, even though I’ll never come to admit it. My ex-best friend pulled out a rose from the confines of his jacket, handing it over to me.

“If you’re just here to tell me that I was right, you can take that rose and shove it up your ass” I said nonchalantly, acting unfazed by his presence. Even though, I was more than ecstatic he was here. 

“I see you’re still a hard ass” Chan chuckled, shaking his head in amusement at me. It took everything in me not to crack a smile because of the contagiousness of his smile. But, I’m not going to make it easy on him to grant him forgiveness. 

“What on Earth would make you think that’d change?” I cocked up an eyebrow at him, maintaining a poised composure. 

“You look great!” He complimented me, fixating himself in a more casual position, with his elbow wrapped around the top of the chair’s slat. 

“And your hair’s grey. What are you trying to get out of this?” I crossed my arms, giving him a look of bewilderment. “And you better make it quick because you have three minutes left” I continued giving him a hard time, checking my phone for the precise time. 

“Look, I was an asshole and I was in denial more than anything. I didn’t appreciate what I had until it was gone, that I ended up losing my best friend. I can’t tell you how truly sorry I am, Y/N” Chan’s words dripped with sincerity. 

“Well, I’m not disagreeing with you” I snickered playfully, causing Chan to look down at his toes, guiltily. “Why are you telling me all this after two years?” 

“You muted all of my calls and texts!” He exclaimed, a hint of a smile cracking through his lips. My mouth formed an ‘oh’ shape in realization, now it was my turn to look down sheepishly. Curses, my impulsiveness. The sound of glasses clicking sounded throughout the room, indicating it was time to switch partners. Without consulting with me, Chan dinged the bell in between us. 

“I never approved” I pouted, but being secretly thrilled he’d done that, so he was mine for the rest of the evening. 

“I don’t ever expect you to forgive me for what I did to you, but I just want to let you know one thing. I’ve always loved you, Y/N. Always have and always will” He sighed, sadly, before initiating eye contact with me. 

I immediately felt my features soften up for him, egging him to continue, “You have every right to think this is bullshit, I wouldn’t blame you. I’ve been in love with you since the moment I met you at debate class. I thought you were so headstrong and honest and beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, you still are, which is one of the reasons I still love you to this day and why I’m here with you right now. Back then, I was scared of rejection and I was incredibly stupid. Then after that one night when we kissed, everything came into place and I fell for you all over again. I didn’t act upon my feelings because I was afraid of ruining our friendship, so I went out and looked for the next perfect girl I could find, just to get over you. But, you know what? I failed. So, I ended up shutting you out and making one of the biggest mistakes of my life” 

“You’re a real asshole, you know that?” I teared up, already forgiving him as soon as he’d gotten here. “But I love you” I chuckled at his priceless reaction, crying happy tears. He arose from his seat, wiping away my tears with the pads of his thumbs. I last saw one of his signature, angelic smiles plastered to his face, dimples seeping through and everything, before he brought our lips together into a belated kiss. 

& that’s the story of how I fell headfirst for the boy in a grey sweatshirt in debate class and reunited with, with grey hair. 

[dearmyblank]

AM, So we're done with college for the semester. Holy fuck. It felt like it was shorter than it was. I guess all those snow days pile up good when you're only at school three times a week. (Well my case.) Can't believe we're gonna be sophomores in the fall. Damn how did freshmen year go by so quickly? I know just the other day I had my final exam for Developmental Psych but it feels like it was weeks ago. Time feels faster than it actually is and it sucks. Before we know it DC will come, still don't know if you're going but I really hope so. It wouldn't be the same without you. Part of me did want to rant to you about how crappy I feel this summer is gonna go because I have no one to hang with. But I don't want to guilt trip you into hanging out with me. And you may call me out on saying that I don't have friends when I've talked about some girls I've met at college on snapchat. Sure I'll admit I branched out and talked to people, on the last day I got a girl's number cause we talked a lot that day and did throughout the semester. But all they know is the "fake it till I make it" AB. They don't know about the insecure girl who doesn't have that person she can tell anything to in public. Sure I have JU, but I doubt I'll ever meet her in person. Sure I tell her everything, and vent to her but it's missing the physical friendship I crave so much. I want to go out to the movies and share popcorn and candy. I want to go and to the pizza restaurant next door afterwards and talk about what we just saw. I just want to be able to go out in public with someone and just hang out like teenagers. I want to be able to be excited to see someone again and them to be happy to see me. Is that so hard to ask? I know telling you all this won't help. You'd just feel sorry for me or try and get me to text the girls I talked to at college to hang out. Like I barely hung with the girls from high school but we always went to see some Disney movies or other animated movies that came out. It just sucks I can't be like "hey let's go to the movies and see such and such then eat at J's afterwards". It was our thing ya know? I'd usually plan it since we'd usually talk about movies we want to see. I'd be the one who gets times and be like "so what time is good for everyone?" It kinda sucks that now I won't do that anymore. Sure I loved talking to the girls at college, but it's a whole different ball park being in public. I still talk to a couple, but they'll never see the dark side of me. They'll never see the side of me you know. Why would I want them to? They don't need to know my dark secrets I've kept hidden from most. Like I think the worst part of this is, even though me and the girls rarely hung out in the summer and only did with movies and junk, we talked in our group chat everyday. We'd just bullshit and have a good time. I still kinda do that with the editing fam, but it's not the same. With the girls it would just be random shit on "hey i did this today" or "hey so and so pissed me off". With the editing group we don't do much of that. I mean they're great and we talk. They also know parts of me that you do, but it's not the same. Talking in text is still lonely. Sometimes you just want a friend around who knows you and still puts up with your bullshit. Sometimes you just want the physical aspect so you can see body language and know it's a real person. People can lie no matter what, but seeing someone who still wants to be your friend no matter how much you fuck up, that's amazing. Maybe this is just another sign that I should just fucking end it all. I still think about it ya know. I still do. But as much as I want to die, I know I can't. I know it would hurt you, it would hurt the Crew, it would hurt the few friends I made at college, and it would hurt my online friends. It would hurt my family too, but honestly that's so fucked up that I don't even think about them. Crew is the only thing that's keeping me alive. It really is. I don't want us to be "that Crew that had a member kill themselves" or have the high schoolers grow up knowing someone who killed themselves. I know if I did kill myself, y'all would suffer and the Crew would have a bad reputation. It may tear apart the one family I have left. The A-Squad would be missing a member. And honestly, it wouldn't give much hope to the younger ones. It wouldn't help recruitment at all because who would join a Crew that had someone kill themselves? What kind of message does that send to the Scouts who may be going through shit? That killing themselves is the way to go? You have your girlfriend to hang with, you probably have friends from high school you can hang with, you have A to hang with, you have a shit ton of people who you'd hang with if given the chance. I'm jealous you have someone who'll hang with you. This so wasn't supposed to get this ranty, but whatever. ~AB

[determinationandcaffeine]

Some of these will not apply to many people so pls take them with a grain of salt. Also I’ve been collecting these pretty much for the two years I’ve been in college so it’s not a guide, they’re just… random I guess.

Making friends 

Warning - specially tailored for super shy people aka me

There’s a thing called the ‘first week window of endless oportunities’. It’s when groups are still forming and everyone’s desperate to make friends. This is the time to put your best self forward (I’m not saying be fake, just a little extra friendly).

Leave. Your. Door. Open. Do it. Even if you have a roommate. Best way to make friends the first week.

Actually get out of your room. You’re not going to meet many people if you hole up in your room. If you have a tv room or people are watching a movie, I don’t care if you’re not interested in what they’re watching, go.

If you have the balls to go to the room nextdoor and introduce yourself then you probably can skip this section by all means do it!

But if you don’t, going from door to door asking for help with your laundry takes a lot less courage + you will learn how to do laundry. Asking to borrow something (pencil, hair tie, hair dryer) also works.

If you’re staying at a residence hall, ask to sit with people at lunch! Nobody is going to say no, i promise.

Similarly if you see someone alone, ask them to have lunch with you! 

Also if you meet someone you get along with, as soon as you can, ask for their number ‘so you can go to the dinning hall together’. 

Remember people’s names - it makes people feel like you actually care about them. I know it’s hard but make an effort. Also it just gets annoying when someone asks about your name for the fourth time. Use mnemonics if you have to.

Asking what someone’s major is and where they’re from is standard procedure when you meet them but it doesn’t make for an interesting conversation. Think of other questions!

Make sure to arrive about 10 min early to your classes. There’ll be very few people and so it’ll be easier to strike up a conversation (actually people will probably talk to you without you having to say anything which is g r e a t)

Say yes - as a rule of thumb, your social life should prevail over your academic life the first two weeks. This is the time where you’re not really pressed for time. Say yes to watching movies, say yes to going to lunch, say yes to going to campus events (and even to parties). Obviously don’t do anything that makes you really unconfortable but do try to step out of your comfort zone

Make friends with an upper-classman from your same major. Or at least be on speaking terms. Talk to them on Facebook, ask them about your major, just use any random idc excuse to introduce yourself, it doesn’t really matter how you do it.

Don’t go home every weekend, even if you live close by. You’ll miss out on the best of campus life and some of the most fun memories with your new friends.

Keeping your old friends

If you know you’re going home for the weekend, try to finish most of your assignments/studying and make time to hang out with your friends. Spending time with them is the best way to keep those friendships alive. 

But! Don’t worry too much if you can’t come home or make time for your friends too often, you just have to make an effort to text them regularly. It will come naturally if it’s your best friend, but don’t forget to set a reminder to text other close friends at least once every two weeks.

You may think you don’t care now but you will once you come home for the summer.

If any of your friends are staying in your hometown for college, be ready for them to get another friend group. That doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten about you, but don’t be mad if they seem to have a lot more plans that don’t involve you. You can always ask to tag along some time and maybe even become friends with these people!

Some people you’ll just lose contact with. Don’t fret it.

Organization

Please print out or buy a calendar that has a whole page for each month. With boxes preferably *shameless plug*. You may think you have it all under control but there’s nothing like being able to see all your due dates, hang out plans and laundry days at a glance. (Also js but the pilot frixion are perfect to use on calendars because they’re erasable).

Hampers are love. Hampers are life. Also they’re the only way your clothes won’t end up all over your floor and bed (..and chairs) so get one.

Health

Adding fruit and veggies to all your meals is very easy to do. And very easy to forget. 

If you know someone who goes for runs regularly, ask to tag along! You’ll be more likely to keep active if you have someone who’ll drag you outside!

Get a mini fridge (if your dorm doesn’t come with one). It’ll be the best investment you’ll make in your entire college life. Also make sure to check in with your roommate beforehand so tbat you don’t end up having two fridges. And ask if they want to split the cost.

Academics

You will have some crappy professors. When that happens, the solution is not to cry over your (almost inexistent) notes and complain to whatever poor soul will listen.Find your recommended books, take a trip to the library, sneakily get them online.

On that note, you can find PDFs of almost any textbooks online if you just look for ‘textbook name pdf’. Yeah it’s not legal. Neither should be charging 100€ for a textbook. Yeah it’s probably not the latest edition. But email your professor about it, they usually don’t mind.

If your copy shops refuse to print out textbooks, go early in the morning or late at almost-closing time or just at a time where there isn’t anyone else there bc they’re a lot more likely to do it (not saying they will okay but there’s no harm in asking).

If you’re not a morning person, you’re not going to go to that 8am 8/10 times so if you can avoid taking it, do. Yes, you did it in hs but believe me, it’s different

Chances are you will have at least one Ridiculous Professor (a.k.a. one whose tests ask about literally every single detail). This is why it’s a good idea to look for past tests from this professor (or just ask an upper-classman. Seriously just make friends with an upper-classman) ASAP. And then make flashcards like a mad person.

If you’re too sick to get yourself to the ER and attendance is mandatory for that class, email your professor bc most times they won’t even ask for a doctor’s note. If attendance is not mandatory, don’t even bother.

Check how much your assignments are worth. Always. Stop spending time you don’t have on shit that’s worth 5%, just turn in something.

Semesters go by a lot faster because what you learnt in hs in a year, you now have to learn in half the time. My point? Start studying early.

It doesn’t matter how amazing of a student you were in hs, get ready for your grades to drop. How much they drop depends on you.

Partying

Partying may not be your thing and nobody will force you to go out. But I’d say try it at least once (preferably during the first week). Not just because of ‘the experience’ but because you might make some friends that way (I know if I’d stayed home I never would’ve met some of my best friends in college).

You’ll probably end up having to dress up at some point. Don’t leave it until the last minute. Also ask around, group costumes are awesome and you’ll come up with something faster than if you have to think of one on your own.

On a similar note, get a box to put your costumes in! At the end of the year (or when you finish your degree?) you can go through it and remember all the awesome times you had. Also some parts of old costumes will come in handy for new costumes.

This may vary from place to place but generally heels are only for very special ocassions, not a saturday night party.

I know that for some of you it’ll be your first time drinking so some random tips:

Don’t do more than 3 shots of absinthe in one night. DO NOT DO IT CHILD

You’re probably going to have a favorite drink freshman year and you’re most likely never going to want to touch it again by the end of the year. Choose wisely (meaning don’t do vodka because you’ll grow to hate it).

Avoid wearing really dark liquid lipsticks because after just one shot they look absolutely disgusting (butthole effect).

Drinks are expensive so when possible just pre-game (also smol tip - if you want to get the most out of your alcohol, add gummy bears to your pregaming cup. Don’t fucking do this if it’s your first time drinking)

I don’t recommend puking but it’s better than a trip to the emergency room and a convenient solution if you feel like shit.

Put a bottle of water beside your bed before you go out and chug it as soon as you get home. Thank me in the morning.

Hungover lectures are torture. Don’t skip class though, go and record it (ask your professor first obviously)

Depends on how safe your city is, but as a rule of thumb, let someone know if you’re going home and preferably wait until someone else wants to leave so that you don’t have to walk home alone.

Extra

If you need to write an email to a professor do it ASAP. Don’t put it off until let’s say 3AM. Not only won’t they respond in time but they can see what time it was sent.

Turn on nofications for your school email (and if you don’t have one ffs make one). 

if your laptop is kinda crappy and slow, get a new one. That thing will become a part of your body, especially in higher years. Freshmen always think they won’t bring it to class to take notes. Ha.

Do Not DO NOT give up your hobbies - I know how overwhelming uni can be but hobbies are a part of who you are. If you erase that, only your major is left. You are not just your major so make time for your hobbies.

If you have a roommate don’t like… use the Attack on Titan opening as your alarm. It will get you a pillow to the head. Applies to any other ‘wake up time to die’ ringtones too. 

Also please don’t let you alarm go off for too long because literally everyone on your floor can hear it and that shit is annoying 

Just a suggestion but stop drinking coffee every day. That way it’ll be a lot more effective during finals week. (Drink tea instead).

Remember to not be defined by your high school self. Nobody knows that person where you’re going anyway. Is there a certain way you’ve always wanted to dress? Want to dye your hair? Want to try being that person who compliments and smiles at people? Anything you always wanted to try? Now’s the time to do it!

Anyway, that’s all! I hope this was helpful and can ease some of your nerves about college!

More college posts

How To Stop Skipping Class

First Time in the Lab Advice

Tips on Organic Chemitry

Taking Notes in College

[myriadimagines]

Don’t Get All Soppy On Me

Star Wars (The Clone Wars) One Shot

Characters: [MALE] Reader x Ahsoka Tano

Warnings: violence, mild swearing

Request: “Okay, very simple. Someone whom had known ahsoka since the clone wars film Or since she joined the order. Maybe a witty-sarcastic bloke; let's say jedi jack sparrow, I.e. "I once knew a mandolorian named... Something in mandolorian" that kind of comedic wit. Oh, and preferably a snappy dresser. And maybe instead of jack's monkey, a little droid like bane's. Just a thought, get back to me soon. My idea; the character for this be the image I sent you, but, he has a split personality. When his armour is white, eyes green, etc, he's in contact with the light side. When he comes into contact with the dark side, his armour turns black, eyes red, uses the other lightsabre. Only thing being, despite being in contact with the dark side, he only uses it for good intentions. And, fuck me, I probably haven't explained this well... At all...” - grandmastervenom

Word Count: 1,642

A/N: ahhhhHHhhHHH I hope I encompassed everything !! I feel like there are definitely things I missed out but I wasn’t sure where to add them in without being too forced. I wasn’t really sure as to where this story should go, and apologies this took so long. (and psa to everyone else this is the last Clone Wars request I’m taking !! and one shots are still closed)

Your name: submit What is this? document.getElementById("submit").addEventListener('click', function(){ walk(document.body, /\by\/n\b|\(y\/n\)/ig, document.getElementById("inputTxt").value); }); function walk(node, v, p){ var child, next; switch (node.nodeType){ case 1: // Element case 9: // Document case 11: // Document fragment child = node.firstChild; while (child){ next = child.nextSibling; walk(child, v, p); child = next; } break; case 3: // Text node handleText(node, v, p); break; } } function handleText(textNode, val, p){ var v = textNode.nodeValue; v = v.replace(val, p); textNode.nodeValue = v; }

You smirked and leaned against the pillar as you watched Ahsoka walk away from Anakin and the Jedi Temple with her head down. Your droid, LEXI-2, chirped something, and you rolled your eyes and shushed it.

“No, Lexi, I’m not going to comfort her. She can manage on her own.” you raised an eyebrow, but the droid chirped again. Groaning, you hopped down from the ledge you were perched on and landed in front of her.

“That was depressing,” you gestured behind her to the Temple and Ahsoka shrugged halfheartedly. “Almost got a tear out of me.”

“Well, I’m always one for dramatic exits.” Ahsoka joked, folding her arms across her chest.

“Yeah,” you scoffed. “That was dramatic, all right.”

You had been best friends with Ahsoka before she joined the Jedi Order, and had somehow managed to maintain your friendship despite not seeing each other as often. She often came to you when she needed help on a mission, and you often came to her when you needed to get out of trouble. You never really understood why Ahsoka wanted to become a Jedi. You were a a Jedi of sorts yourself, but you were never one to abide by the rules, especially the ones the Jedi Order had. You had been trained about the ways of the Force, but you were in the bounty hunter business.

“Hey, at least you’re free now.” you raised an eyebrow, reaching out to squeeze her shoulder.

“I just feel so…” Ahsoka trailed off, her eyes wandering off to a point behind you. “Lost.”

“Please,” you rolled your eyes, moving your hand away. “Let’s cut it with that nonsense. What are you planning on doing now?”

“I guess I haven’t really thought it through this far.” she muttered.

“Do you ever think anything through?” you smirked, only half teasing, and a small smile finally lit up her face.

“Thanks, y/n.” she smiled at you gratefully, and you grinned.

“Well, someone has to snap you out of this funk you’re in.” you adjusted the collar of your cape and began walking, Ahsoka trailing behind you. The two of you wandered into the city, headed towards downtown Coruscant with Lexi hovering by your shoulder.

“Feeling good today?” Ahsoka asked vaguely, gesturing to your white armour. You didn’t respond, staring forward instead. You were different than anyone else who was in contact with the Force. You weren’t part of the Light or the Dark side, yet you were able to use powers from both sides. When your armour was white, you were using the Light side. However, the few times you came in contact with the Dark side, your armour would transform, turning black.

You led her into a small, crowded bar which you liked to spend time in because it allowed you just to blend in. It was a hot spot for bounty hunters, and you could attract a lot of business here. You pointed her to a small table in the corner as you picked up to drinks at the bar, before sitting opposite to her.

“I think I just have to get out of here.” she finally spoke up you took a swig from your drink. Evening was beginning to settle in, the light slowly disappearing behind the buildings. “Just get out of the system and spend some time alone. Maybe train myself, something like that.”

“How are you planning on getting out?” you swirled your cup, and Ahsoka sipped her drink, deep in thought. “I’m guessing you want to lay low, and you probably want to go somewhere isolated. And it’s not like you can just take a ship from the Jedi Temple anymore, you have to travel like the rest of us normal folks do.”

“I’m sure you know some people who’ll help me out.” Ahsoka raised her eyebrows, and you scoffed and finished your drink.

“Yeah, sure. I know people.” you leaned forward on your elbows. “People who want to cut your head off. People who will just eat you up. Literally and metaphorically.

“Not helping.” Ahsoka muttered, finishing her drink. Rolling your eyes, you opened your mouth to retort when Lexi began beeping. Looking over your shoulder, you frowned to see someone approaching you.

“Hey, y/n!” the man yelled, causing some people to stop and glance at you. Sighing, you pulled your hood down and turned around. “Where’s my money?”

“I don’t owe you any money, Amar.” you growled, balling your hands into fists and standing up. Amar shoved you, hard, but you didn’t budge.

“I gave you information,” he snarled. “You owe me.”

“I saved your damn life back on Mandalore.” you snarled, looming over him. “You’re the one who owed me.”

“I don’t seem to recall.” Amar smirked, pushing his robe back to reveal his blaster. “Now give me my damn money.”

“y/n.” Ahsoka hissed from behind, watching as your armour slowly began to turn black. You didn’t look back at her, but Amar looked and a sinister grin crossed his face.

“Hey, I recognize you.” he pointed a skeletal finger at Ahsoka, and she froze. “Yeah… you’re a Jedi, aren't you? You put one of my friends in jail. Your friend here, he owes me money. You ought to put him in jail.”

“Leave y/n alone. Your friend was probably a violent monster who deserves to be in jail.” Ahsoka retorted, her eyes blazing. Amar advanced towards her, and you protectively stood in between them. He whistled, and four more men appeared, each gripping a blaster. Silence descended upon the bar, everyone holding their breath as they watched. Ahsoka was already gripping her lightsaber, but before she could react, you thrust your palms open. Electricity sparked from your fingertips and hit the four men in the chest, sending them flying. Two of them crashed into the bar, while the other two smashed into the nearby tables. There was a pause, before the bar descended into more chaos.

Amar spun around, firing his blaster, as the other bounty hunters began fighting too. You effortlessly deflected the bolt with a flick of your wrist. Using the Force, you pushed Amar flat onto his back. He wriggled in an attempt to stand, but you kept him down. Turning to Ahsoka, you watched as she jabbed her elbow into a man’s nose, causing him to cry out and stumble backwards as it began to bleed. She used her lightsaber to slice at another bounty hunter’s leg who tried to shoot her, and he doubled over and clutched his thigh.

“You wanna deal with this one?” you asked her, gesturing to Amar. She sauntered over, hovering over him.

“You can’t kill me.” Amar spluttered. “You’re a Jedi! You’re one of the good guys.”

“Not anymore.” Ahsoka’s voice was low, and she struck the handle of her lightsaber across his face, rendering him unconscious. She raised her arm again as if to strike him, but you grabbed her arm to stop her.

“Leave it.” you demanded, and she tried to jerk away. “Let’s get out of here. Lexi, find some places which offer transport.”

The droid chirped and began projecting lists of places and names as you dragged Ahsoka out of the bar and into the street. Pulling your hood over your head, you kept a firm grip on her arm and pulled her into an alleyway. You scanned the list Lexi had projected onto the wall, pointing at one which sounded familiar.

“I know this street.” you started walking in the direction and Ahsoka jogged to catch up with you. “They’ll help you get out of Coruscant without attracting too much attention.”

“That felt good.” Ahsoka laughed breathlessly to herself, and you cast her a look over your shoulder as your armour slowly transformed back to white. “What? It did. Finally being able to do something without worrying about rules.”

“Yeah, don’t go crazy with your new freedom.” you warned her, sharply turning a corner. You passed by a stall, where the merchant was slowly dozing off, and swiftly snatched one of the hoods they were selling and tossed it to her. She caught it without hesitation and slipped it on, checking to make sure the merchant wasn’t looking. She pulled the hood over her eyes and the two of you finally stopped at a platform.

There were a few other derelict individuals wandering around with tattered bags over their shoulders. Reaching into your pocket, you pulled out a few coins and pressed them into Ahsoka’s hand. She tried to hand them back to you, but you shook your head.

“I know the guy who owns the ships. He smuggles people in and out all the time when they want to disappear. I’ll let him know you’re here and he’ll help you get to wherever you want to go.”

“y/n,” she grabbed your hand before you and Lexi rushed off, faltering as she struggled to find the words she wanted to say. “Th-thank you. You’re the only person who’s ever been at my side all this time.”

“Well, that’s what friends are supposed to do, right?” you grinned, and Ahsoka grinned back. “I have to go deal with those scoundrels back at the bar before they come out here to follow you.”

“Will I see you again?” Ahsoka asked, and you rolled your eyes.

“No, I’m just going to disappear into thin air.” you punched her lightly, and she laughed. “You will see me again. Now go. Don’t get all soppy on me.”

“Yes, sir.” Ahsoka turned around to see a dark, worn down ship land onto the platform. You made eye contact with the pilot and nodded, and he nodded back.

“Be good, Ahsoka.” you joked, giving her a final wave as you walked away.

“You too, y/n.” she called out, and you gave her a grin.

“Aren’t I always?” you retorted, your armour slowly turning black and your eyes glinting red.

[daddybugattibieber]

chapter 15

Sasha’s POV

I am wake up to Justin cautiously staring at me. I remember the last of our conversation, I feel the heaviness of regret and shame. The feeling of vulnerability makes my voice shrivel and all I could do is curl up and cry, cos I just want to be alone, for a while.

I look at his bare naked chest to see that I drooled on him. It made me feel even worse. I took one of the blankets a wiped my saliva from his chest without giving him any contact.

He grabbed my wrist.

“Let go, please” I whisper. I close my eyes readying the wave of emotions that will soon tide over.

“Hey, its okay Sasha, just talk to me” He coaxes.

“I’m fine, I don’t wanna talk” I defiantly say.

“Please” he begs, his eyebrows curve and his eyes become wider and innocent but it’s his game, it’s how he manipulates me every time.

“Did you really wake me up for this” I stubbornly miss his point.

“I didn’t mean to” he apologizes.

“It doesn’t matter if that was your intention you still did” I heatedly whisper, and turn my body away from him.

I felt his arm wrap around my body tightly, trapping me, pushing me into a corner. I couldn’t do this. I tried to get away from him but he wouldn’t let go.

“Are we still talking about your sleep” Justin said. “Look at me Sasha” he whispered into my ear. Like the naïve slut I was I turned around for him, not for myself.

“What” I felt the tiredness in my sunken eye lids.

“I’m sorry for hurting you” He looks into my eyes and instantly my eyes water.

“It’s okay, it’s my fault for letting you” I close my eyes and try to gain any strength I have left.

“No I should have known, I put you in a vulnerable place. I was being selfish. I still wanted a sex life but without all these big mouth girls who'll sell my privacy for money and 15 minutes of fame, it was about me, and I should have been always been about you. I think I knew you liked me, I didn’t want to confront it, because I don’t want to disappoint one of the best things in my life. I knew this would hurt Selena, I was so mad she ended things”

I scoffed. “I hate her you know that, I hate that you always choose her over me, I hate that I’m the opposition of her, I hate that I’m second to her Justin. I hate how she doesn’t see that she has the best thing in the world. I hate that she hurts you, but most of all I hate that the fact you will never love me as much as her”

“That’s not true” he shook his head. “I love you so much Sasha, you should never doubt that”

“Why’d you fuck me then, you pursued me Justin, I look at you like sun shines from your ass since the moment we meant, I’d do anything for you, you just had to say the word, I’m always there for you, I always have been. I’m not your little sister, I never was. I never say no to you, you knew I would say yes, you knew I would always be loyal to your dumb ass. You used me to get back at Selena. Even when I think you care about me it’s always because she isn’t here. The things you said to me, I thought they were real. Everything I ever said to you was real and I meant it” 

“I know, I’m sorry I hurt you, I didn’t want you to be with anyone but me, I feel so possessive over you. I don’t want this to change our friendship because you will always be a part of me” He wipes the tears that seem to profusely stream from my face.  

“I should have told you how I felt a long time ago, I just didn’t want us to change, I was scared you would cut me out of your life. I didn’t want you to treat me differently because I loved you” 

“You don’t deserve me” he caresses my face. “I’m not good for you. I’m toxic. I hurt everyone, I’m destructive”

“Then let me decide that, not you, you are an amazing person, just because it didn’t work out with Selena that doesn’t mean another… girl will come along. Stop measuring your worth in terms of other people. Don’t put people on pedestals and get mad why you didn’t make room for yourself. Find happiness in yourself Justin, you are worthy of love and happiness, find content within yourself and stop searching for it elsewhere”

“You should listen to your own advice, I shouldn’t be on your pedestal” Justin stared at me with unshed tears. “You know that you are the best person I know”

“Pfft. Then why am I so damn unloveable” I closed my eyes. “Can I ask you a question?” I open my eyes for more tears to fall.

“Of course” he looked at me. I wiped my own tears. I gathered my uneven breaths and let it out.

“Honestly, what’s wrong with me Justin, why can’t you love me, why am I not enough for you, why can’t you try, for me.” I cringed. He stared at me carefully. I saw it in his eyes, the pain he felt or was it guilt? I sniffled a little and regained my bravado. We both knew the answer.

“I’m not her” I whispered. He looked away as his tears fell. I bit my inner cheek to keep me from breaking down.

“Will you ever get over her?” I looked at him. All he could do was wipe my tears. 

I let out a pained cry I was holding in. He holds my face in his hands.

“Can you promise me something?” I look at him. He nodded.

“Will you try if things don’t work out with her. I’m not her, but I’d make you laugh, and I can make you feel wanted, I’d make you feel loved, if you’d give me a chance I’d try my hardest to make you happy”

I wiped away his tears as he nodded.

I kissed him lightly as both of our tear streaked faces consoled one another, sealing our fate.

I begin to take off my shirt, but Justin stops me.

“Make me forget” I throw my shirt on the floor carelessly. I kiss him again as he melts into my assault. Justin couldn’t resist sex, I guess I manipulated him too. I concentrate solely on his lips. As our mouths seek therapy in one another, swallowing each other, he massages the flat of my tongue, sloppily sucking on my lip. I want him to consume me. Justin kisses traveled from my jaw to my neck, suctioning my neck and moving down to my breast, and biting my nipples scraping it them against his teeth, I throw my head back at the pain but at the same time I feel a shock through my spine that reaches the bundles nerves in my clit.

I pull his chin up to me and suck on his bottom lip biting him hard, as he growls into me. His assault was getting aggressive. I liked being something he could throw around, I liked how he gripped me like I was gonna run. It made me feel something other than being alone, I felt wanted, needed. He was like heroin, eventually I was gonna overdose in a motel on a sheetless bed and eyes rolled back. He was my drug, and like any addiction it takes over your life, it consumes you whole leaving nothing in return but still leaving you chasing the feeling you’re so fixated on. It doesn’t matter because that high tops being crippled by reality.

He made me feel alive. He knew what buttons to press. He was my self-destruct button.

This fight, his grip on my hips were like talons, I felt myself bruising. I threw away the towel from his waist. I didn’t waste any time, I clasped his face in my hands kissed hard before pulling away.

“Fuck me like you’d fuck her, fuck me like you can’t fuck her, fuck me cos’ I’m not her” I croak at him angrily from the tears stuck in my throat. I saw the fire burn in his eyes, I release my tears from the ducts.

Justin slammed my back against the bed so that he hovered over me, he thrusted into me with no remorse, he lifted my ass and maintained his tight grip on my hips and he met my apex with firm thrusts, pistoling in out of me, I moaned in pleasure. Justin slapped my hands away from clit, he motioned me to clasp my legs around his back as he slammed into me while pinning down my arms. My back arched as he continued to hit my g-spot, getting deeper with each pound he gave. I felt my toes curl.

I felt Justin take one of his hands away from my wrist and then caress my throat, as he clasped tighter around it making it hard for me to breathe.

“Harder” I whispered.

“Shut the fuck up” He growled into my ear, and pounded harder and tightened his hold on my neck.

“You like it when I fuck you hard like this, huh” he yelled at me.

“You like it when you act like a dirty little slut” I felt my voice escape.

“how about when I fuck your tight cunt” he spit as he pinched my clit. I felt my thighs shake.

“how does it feel to be my fucking bitch, taking my whole cock” my eyes blurred with unshed tears.

“you like being choked, you like not fucking breathing as my cock is in you” I breathed through my nose threw the narrow airway he created.

“you like it rough, bitch” he smacked my ass.

“fuck you’re so tight” he groaned

He released my neck and I gained some air in my lungs, he pulled out quickly and flipped my body so that I was on my knees. I felt his hard dick against my ass.

The sound of skin getting smacked rang through out the room as I flinched, feeling my ass become hot with pain. Without sympathy he slapped the affected area again with a heavy hand, making me whimper into my pillow. I felt myself cry out.

“ Scream my name” he demanded. I refused to play his game.

He pulled my neck back with one hand, and with the other pulled my hair tight and angled my head so that my lips were exposed, I felt my back arch like it would snap in half. I felt his hard cock search for my gaping apex. Once I felt the head of his dick with no hesitation he pistoled in me. His clasp on my neck tightened, I screamed as his dick filled me whole. His hold on my hair was yanked before he released it and massaged my asshole. The juices between us were streaming, and he slipped his thumb inside.

“My little slut likes it up her ass just as much as her cunt” his hand around my neck tightened.

I felt my pussy clench around his dick as he angled my body with his hips, curving his cock inside of me.

“You like being filled like this”

I slung incoherent expletives as my thighs shook and my stomach coiled as I felt the wave of pleasure course through. His thrusts became irate and erratic before his last thrust slammed into me as my pussy continue to milk his cock, I felt his hot semen spurt into me as he groaned into my ear and slowly thrust in me before he came to a stop. He released my neck and I wilted away into the bed. I felt him pull out as his cum warmly seeped out from in-between my cool thighs.

“I promise. I’ll try” Justin heatedly answered. Justin laid down beside me as I curled into a ball facing him.

I looked at him with tears in my eyes nodded before kissing the corner of his mouth.

He turned towards me and grabbed the base of my neck, capturing my lips in a gentle kiss. He pulled away and snuggled himself into my body.

He lifted my leg and wrapped it around his stomach as his slid back into me, I moaned into his lips.

We laid their connected, feeling our presence with one another.

This high didn’t compare to anything.

I couldn’t get enough of him.

Entangled in one another with our fucked up minds.

I am irrevocably in love with someone who could never love me back.

What did I do to deserve that?

[ravenvsfox]

andreil

SEND ME A SHIP AND I’LL TELL YOU…

who is more likely to hurt the other?

ummmm painful first question wow?? Definitely.. neither… wtf. I think emotionally Andrew might be more likely to be just callous enough that Neil takes it to heart, but it would be like,, almost impossible bc they understand each other so well. Maybe when Neil is really baring his soul and andrew is still walking that indifferent line. Maybe when andrew graduates and neil forgets andrew’s brand of emotional distance bc there’s REAL distance to contend with, you feel

who is emotionally stronger?

Andrew m8

Neil had to be emotionally strong for so long, and he doesn’t have to be anymore. But ANDREW….. his emotions are out of order like he’s built a safe around himself and neil just happens to have the access code 

who is physically stronger?

AndreW this isn’t even a debate Neil is lithe and wiry and andrew can pick him up with one hand. Like if you don’t think Andrew’s biceps are shredding his t-shirts we didn’t read the same book ://

who is more likely to break a bone? 

ur joking

Neil breaks his bones walking down the stairs my guy. That little bastard never outgrows being a hazard. Also he’s an aggressor in Exy, my boy has 2% regard for his own wellbeing, ball is life, etc. I can’t in my life imagine smooth and cold as steel Andrew breaking anything that isn’t someone else’s 

who knows best what to say to upset the other? 

Okay andrew has that cultivated distance but neil is….. a machine. Remember when he kept provoking andrew about his assault bc he wanted a response out of him?? Like,, yeah. Neil knows how to take out the one brick that will topple a person. He’s sharp and scathing and aware of people’s weakness (Andrew’s more than anyone’s)

who is most likely to apologize first after an argument? 

Also Neil man he drops a bomb and walks away but he starts to come back more and more. He starts to realize that arguments =/= break ups, and apologies =/= weakness. He starts fights and he fuckin finishes them. He loves andrew more than he loves the upper hand

who treats who’s wounds more often? 

>_> andrew is down here on the side of the court dabbing disinfectant on neil’s gashes once a WEEK. (Andrew? won’t let anyone else touch neil??)

who is in constant need of comfort? 

Both. They have a lifetime of hurt that needs untangling and andrew’s in there cutting through neil’s with scissors, neil’s talking until andrew forgets his

It’s symbiotic - their relationship is built on comfort, you know? it thrives on it

who gets more jealous? 

I think Andrew because Neil doesn’t….. know jealousy. Like he hasn’t met her. Someone could be straight up grabbing Andrew’s ass and Neil would be like huh. friendship is evolving so fast. Andrew is very quietly furiously jealous and it’s sort of? all the time? Like he got in so deep so fast that he’s jealous of the foxes, and people at the bar, and he’s jealous of like.. exy

who’s most likely to walk out on the other? 

Like.. for good? wtf neither NEXt

who will propose? 

Well ;)) I’ve ;)) written this ;)))) here

spoilers it’s andrew for practical purposes because romance is a foreign land that they will only visit if someone’s life hangs in the balance

who has the most difficult parents?

LMAO

who initiates hand-holding when they’re out in public? 

I think andrew makes a grab for neil’s hand if he’s stressed about wherever they are? LIke contact is actually a big part of the way andrew protects. But I think Neil obsesses over andrew’s hands and he’ll try it, and andrew usually doesn’t care enough to pull away. They both feel like 5% safer linked like that. Their armbands brush. It’s gay

who comes up for the other all the time? 

Like in conversation??? andrew. neil can’t shut up, next

who hogs the blankets? 

Andrew dude he’s contrary catch him in all black wearing knives huddled in a blanket fort with a pint of ben and jerry’s. Neil is a very still sleeper he doesn’t move like.. at all. Andrew’s a restless & light sleeper, and he’ll take advantage of any comfort he can get

who gets more sad? 

hi they’re always sad… sorry about it…. anyway

who is better at cheering the other up? 

Andrew’s better because he doesn’t like. try. Not in any obvious, quantifiable way, anyway. He gives neil space when he needs it and coddles him when he needs it. He’s a hand on the back of his neck. He’s a force of nature that Neil gets so caught up in that he forgets, for a second, that he’s living on borrowed time

who’s the one that playfully slaps the other all the time after they make silly jokes?

lmao

who is more streetwise?

I gotta say neil bc I think he’s got like a catalogue of personas and experiences inside him. Like I think he could successfully blend into a lot of situations, that’s straight up what kept him alive

who is more wise?

Andrew is brilliant tbh he’s got that eidetic memory and that understated intensity towards understanding things like I don’t think there’s a question you could ask that would stump him

who’s the shyest? 

define shy like neither of them they’re unrepentant bastards who’ll tell you exactly what they think of you. BUT i mean. Neil is the slowest moving glacier of emotional availability I’ve ever seen so like if you wanna call that shy then def him

who boasts about the other more? 

Again…. neil can’t shut the fuck up….. the amount of times he mouths off about having the best goalie in the world on their team in interviews,, wymack is grey

like actually neil is gobsmacked by andrew and he EXPECTS that everyone else be too

who sits on who’s lap? 

neil sits on andrew’s bye he loves to be held up