#neglectful parents can still have strong emotional attachment to their kids & also be neglectful

[heroesriseandfall]

Honestly it’s actually kinda impressive how out of character people can write Janet Drake given that she has less than 30 comic appearances.

[crumbleclub]

Assorted Afton Family Headcanons

All three kids have dimples, which they got from William. They all have cheek dimples when they smile , and Michael has one on his chin, too. Elizabeth has one on her chin that only becomes apparent when she's older.

Elizabeth generally gives of an extremely confident, even arrogant energy. She's copying William.

Michael and Evan both call Elizabeth Libby, but her parents use her full name.

The Bite happens when Evan is turning seven, and Michael is almost fourteen. Elizabeth would have been nine.

Elizabeth disappeared when she was eight. William was actually nearby when it happened. He was still very protective at this point in his life, and he just took her eyes off of her for a moment when someone stopped to talk with him about the grand opening of Circus Baby's.

After that, he changed from being simply the controlling, overly strict type of Not Great parent to alternating between a worse version of that and being neglectful, disappearing for days, etc. He would essentially give up on parenting, panic and change his mind later, and then go overboard to the other extreme, not like the result, repeat.

William also had almost no temper; he wasn't attached enough to most things for that. He could be a very violent person, but it was usually premeditated and with an intended purpose (research, controlling someone's behavior, etc). This changed a bit later on; stressors in his life (mostly caused by himself) built up, moving his baseline from hard to piss off to already close to pissed off all the time.

He can be pissed off about what he IS invested in, which is largely his science and anything to do with Henry.

Telemarketers are an honorable mention. He would throttle them if he could. He is not a patient person.

William and Michael are both very tall due to Marfan Syndrome. In most timelines, they aren't aware they even have it, but I can see them having cardiac complications leading to a diagnosis. I'm not sure whether I think the other two would inherit this or not.

There are a few differences to Mike and William's appearances that aren't due to age. William's hair is wavy, Mike's is curly. William's hair is lighter, and he's one of those people who had blond hair as a kid that darkened to brown as they grew up. Other than that, they're near identical.

On that note, Evan has the curliest hair of them all, and Elizabeth's is very straight. Also everyone who draws her with blonde hair can fight me she is a REDHEAD

In any timeline where William raises the kids, they're all coming out of it with hella trauma disorders. It's pretty much unavoidable.

Michael having BPD is my bread and butter. I'm not sure exactly about the other two since they die quite young in the main storyline, but Elizabeth probably ends up somewhere in the formerly called cluster B range as well.

They present pretty differently in adulthood: Michael internalizes (he acted out as a kid, but flipped the other way after the Bite) and Elizabeth is very Loud about her feelings. Internally, they're pretty similar: rejection sensitive, very intense and volatile emotions, strong desire to be cared for but struggling with a tendency to self-sabotage.

Evan strikes me as more anxiousness predisposed. Mike has a lot of anxiety that presents as anger, and Elizabeth is actually angry.

The crying frequently thing was actually a new development for Evan after Witnessing The Horrors (re:Elizabeth getting yoinked by roboclown). It was a trauma response.

All three of them are extremely lonely.

William himself is probably too hard to categorize and would get labelled Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.

I have no idea what I think William's past before having kids was like but the concept is wildly intriguing to me

Like I think he went to college and stuff, probably for business or even accounting (minored in engineering) but like. He was presumably a baby at some point, wtf is that about

Also William is scared of spiders. Just like, the standard amount. I just find it hilarious for him to commit atrocities and then go home to be like "MICHAEL! COME GET THIS SPIDER IMMEDIATELY"

The most technologically inclined is actually Evan. He would be a much more talented engineer than William if he went that direction

Michael is all arts, but he's learned mechanical things out of necessity. He *has* inherited the Afton Business Sense, but he a. doesn't realize it, b. doesn't like to rip people off, and c. doesn't feel strongly about the field. It's just sort of something he has the ability to do easily but never thinks about

Elizabeth has wit and charisma combined with just enough capacity to be cutthroat that she could be very successful in like. Law, politics, business, any of the sharks in suits professions. She could use it for good obv but she is BRUTAL

Also Evan can juggle. This is very important to me. Nobody knows how he learned but he's really good at it

Also, all of the Afton kids definitely showed super concerning behavior at school and nobody ever did anything about it.

Evan probably asked nice teachers to adopt him. Elizabeth would probably cry if she got an A- on a test. Michael definitely acted like a little shit for attention, + I can also see him being pretty vulnerable to dangerous situations bc of a strong risk taking tendency, and I truly believe the entire town of Hurricane stood by and watched kids act like this without doing anything.

Tbh I have so much of this in my brain feel free to ask questions if u want lmao

[guardianspirits13]

I wanna talk about Natsuo Todoroki for a second here.

tw// mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide

Natsuo visibly has the most emotional trauma out of anyone else in his family (Touya not included), and I really wanna talk about why that is.

For starters, we haven't seen him really smile since he was introduced in chapter 187. He's introduced as having a friendly, easygoing persona and it's easy to imagine this is how most people outside of his family know him. However, every time we see him appear since then, another layer of his trauma is revealed and expanded upon, and it cuts DEEP.

I think the main reason that Natsuo still seems so vulnerable compared to the rest of his family is different than what you'd assume. Fuyumi and Shouto both spend a lot of time around Endeavor, and have been in close proximity to his (relatively recent) decision to atone. They have seen his growth firsthand and come to terms with it. Rei has obviously taken a very different path to healing- not entirely voluntarily- but she has been working with doctors and therapists for years to change and recover and reconnect with herself and her children. Natsuo is off at college, and takes every opportunity he can to avoid Endeavor. He (understandably) wants nothing to do with him, and shows stagnant resistance to his attempts to atone.

The reason why Natsuo can't move on from the past is because his trauma didn't come from Endeavor. It came from Touya.

Now initially we were led to believe that it was simply Touya's untimely death that still bothers Natsuo, and it makes sense seeing how Endeavor drove him to the edge. Losing his best friend and brother as a young kid without parents to support him or any therapist to speak of can absolutely been the source of persistent emotional damage, but the more and more we learn about Touya's situation, the more evident it becomes that Natsuo's trauma is much much deeper than even grief.

Touya, as we know, was driven by an ambition instilled in him by his father and experienced extreme rejection sensitivity when those ambitions were no longer realistic. Touya's relationship with his parents could be described as insecure attachment, a psychological term primarily regarding how kids react and respond to their parents and other close relationships. As he was raised, Touya learned to equate his potential to be a hero with his personal worth and similarly confounded attention with love. The difference being, of course, that love is unconditional, but even attention was being continually directed away from him as a punishment for continuing to train and burn himself so he could once again become worthy in his fathers' eyes.

This is where Natsuo comes in. At first it was assumed that all of the Todoroki children were born out of Endeavor's strong-willed desire to have a child that could surpass All Might, but we learned that this isn't exactly the case. I'd argue that it was narratively poetic on Horikoshi's part once this was expanded upon. Fuyumi was born to support and encourage her brother, and that is the exact role she plays 23 years later, keeping her family together.

Natsuo's case is even more intersting.

It was bad enough if Natsuo was only born for the potential of his quirk, but it's even more sinister that the sole intent behind his birth was to discourage Touya from his ambitions. I'd say it was to replace him, but it was more to promote the idea that Touya was expendable than to raise aonther kid with the same ideals but the potential to actually achieve it, although that was definitely a secondary motivation.

The parallelism in this is how much Natsuo's life revolves around Touya. He was born because of Touya, he looked up to and took care of Touya as a kid, and the absence of Touya in the present continues to drive him and his decisions in life (but more on that later).

I continue to pray that we will eventually get more solid backstory on Natsuo and Touya's relationship as kids and where it cut off, wether on a bad note or not, but there are a few things we know for certain. One, Touya was mentally ill. Yes, he was rejected by his parents but he seems to have been particularly vulnerable to this compared to any of his siblings since he was the first of them and thus relied only on his parents for validation in his early years. He shows early signs of a variety of different mental disorders, particularly BPD, which I have previously written a whole analysis for on its own. Touya is shown self-harming both by the very nature of his quirk and even by very directly ripping his hair out. He was incredibly self-destructive.

This is why it is so much more concerning to me that Natsuo, who was AT LEAST four years younger than him, was his primary source of comfort. Natsuo was too young to have known anything more than 'my big brother is sad that daddy won't train him anymore' and he obviously wasn't equipped in any way to handle Touya's severe mental illness. Touya most definitely needed professional treaatment as his forms of coping were abnormal even for the neglect and rejection that he experienced. Natsuo comforted Touya through breakdown after breakdown, and more than that Touya relied on him and came to him voluntarily for support. Natsuo was the best option he had, and he took full advantage of that. The main source of Natsuo's trauma was Touya's reliance on him.

Not to say at all that this was in any way Touya's fault- he was mentally ill and desperately in need of some form of comfort to keep him sane; it was almost a survival method at this point since neither of his parents really acknowleged him at all anymore. Touya's instability hurt Natsuo more than parental neglect ever did, but it was the neglect that enabled it and striped Touya of the supportive atmosphere he would have needed at this point not only to prevent but to heal from the mental damage he had already suffered.

Natsuo dealt with this for years and you can see how much it hurt him to see Touya in so much pain, not only from Endeavor's rejection but from his own self harm as well. For Natuso to know that his brotherly love would never be the same as having loving parents; would neve be enough- but at least it was something so he continued to love and care about his brother for little in return- is indicative of the kind of character he is.

(Edit: After the events of chapter 302 we know that Natsuo's relationship with Touya wasn't perfect. I will elaborate more on this in a different post, but I just wanted to clarify that although we were shown a very high-tension scene between them, it is implied that this was a regular occurrence that Natsuo was usually more receptive too but tired out of, in addition to Touya's spiraling mental health. It fit with the natrative to show the tension Touya was feeling with his family from all directions, but Natsu and Touya clearly had a stronger relationship up to and before this point, evidenced by their sharing a room and playing together regularly.)

He is incredibly selfless, and it's interesting to note how many of his positive qualities as an adult stem from negative experiences as a kid. He never really felt love from his parents, so he relied on Touya (and likely also Fuyumi) for that as well. If he grew up learning he had to give love in order to recieve it back, it absolutely influenced who he became in the future, a solid example of this being the responsibility he feels to reach out and have a relationship with Shouto and further regrets that he wasn't able to help his abuse in the past either. Another aspect of his character that intruigues me is how gentle he is. Personality-wise he seems about as opposite as he could be from the awkward, stoic, emotionally-stunted person that is Endeavor.

There are a couple of reasons for this, beyond what I've already discussed.

One, he had little to no contact with elements of toxic masculinity growing up, especially not from Endeavor.

Two, most of the influence he did have growing up was from Fuyumi, who is established to have endlessly cared for him since he was a literal baby.

Three, he grew up in a household where almost everyone around him was in much more literal, immediate pain than he was so he developed a very strong sense of empathy that might also have been tied to early survivor's guilt.

Now I have one important distinction to make, and that's the temptation to label him as a 'softboy' or something of the like after seeing him caring for his family and more pointedly, watching him break down in tears during chapter 252. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with men being soft or vulnerable (on the contrary it's actually so so important and relevant that Hori is writing characters like this in a mainstream shounen manga but that's an essay for another time), it is unfair to label him as such based on a moment when his trauma is being exposed.

Because his truama stems from such a young age, there is a blurry line between just being born with more emotional intelligence and the situation he was in fostering those traits. You know, the classic nature/nurture thing. My point being, it's important to tread carefully when discussing the nature of his personality to avoid invalidating his trauma; I have no doubt that he is very strong for having survived these things, and the moments we see of him onscreen are definitely among his most vulnerable.

Another thing that people less familiar with Natsuo's character might assume is that he is hot-headed and argumentative. I thought that at first too- after all, he doesn't seem to shy away from yelling at Endeavor when given the opportunity. However, this doesn't seem to be the case at all.

The first real scene we see him in with Endeavor, the man walks into the room and Natsuo decides he can't handle it and goes to leave. However, Endeavor happens to be blocking the doorway. Endeavor physically stops him and provokes him to his face, asking him to say whatever is on him mind. While Natsuo is notably not confrontational, Endeavor is. I think it's fair to say that he felt at least uneasy at this gesture. Natsuo is very honest with his feelings, and it's obvious that he's pissed at the audacity of Endeavor to be so oblivious to his own son. This is presumably one of the first real interactions they've ever really had, and at this point Natsuo has been dealing with trauma (caused by Endeavor!) on his own for years, and Endeavor seems completely oblivious to his pain and dismmisive to the rest of the family's as well.

Again during the internship arc Natsuo tries to get along with Endeavor and this time he actually gives it a fleeting chance. Tensions are high, however, and the conversation very quickly becomes uncomfortable, at which point he leaves. It is continually implied that Natsuo is uncomfortable being around Endeavor because his very presence brings up painful thoughts and memories of a time when sharing the same space as him was a warning to run and hide. This is later directly confirmed by Natsuo as he says that every time he looks at Endeavor's face he remembers Touya and the pain he was in.

I feel like an important side note is that we have never seen Natsuo outside the context of his family, which is understandable, as the role he plays in the story directly relates to them. However, if you take a look at Shouto, even though his experiences have shaped him to become who he is, he definitely acts differently when Endeavor's not in the vicinity.

Back to Touya's death, it would be very rare that someone would mourn a death for an entire decade without finding closure unless there are other factors preventing it, and uncomfortably this seems to be the same thing for both Natsuo and Endeavor: guilt.

This is getting incredibly long already, but it's important to note that Natsuo probably felt an incredible responsibility to take care of Touya and protect him because of his empathetic nature. His love was never going to be the same as having loving parents. His encouragement was never going to be the same as having support from Endeavor. Even further than then neglect and abandonement, it was not being able to save Touya that really made Natsuo feel worthless.

He seems to try and remedy this inability to save Touya and diminish his guilt by doing everything he can to be better. He reaches out to Shouto to be a better brother, he consistently pushes his limits to entertain Fuyumi's notion of a happy family, and he's working hard towards a degree rhat will allow him to help people like Touya (and Rei) because he failed to do so in the past.

His bio mildly implies that he didn't have much of a direction he was heading in after high school, but Fuyumi's encouragement led him to seek out his current college career. This goes back to Natsuo's 'purpose' in a sense revolving arount Touya, from his birth to his relationship with him to his death, after which he lost his direction. They were always rather inseperable, so naturally their seperation hit Natsuo hard. He lost his direction in life so when Fuyumi encouraged him to rediscover it, he thought of helping people, because that's ultimately what he was born to do.

Thank you so, so much for reading this if you made it to the end! I clearly have a lot of thoughts on this. Let me know what you think about it as well, and hopefully we'll get more info on this soon in the manga :)

[linkspooky]

Touya is Dead, Dabi is Here.

Dabi is the foil to Endeavor. His villainous foil. However, not everything is about Endeavor. Let’s shove him to the side for a second. Dabi is also the villainous foil to himself, in a stranget twist and turn of events. Dabi has a villain persona that he plays up, he’s trying to show everyone that he’s the monster created by Endeavor’s monstrous actions, but I think he’s also playing himself as the opposite of Touya, the villainous foil to Touya’s once heroic ambitions. Touya was supposed to die, but Touya lived. Now, Dabi is trying to destroy everything Touya is, by embodying the opposite of everything Touya was. 

1. The Child Who Didn’t Get Saved

Touya’s remembered in a certain way by his family members. Endeavor doesn’t even seem to pity the child who died on his watch, so much as he pities himself. He pities the fact that he didn’t get to raise his son up into a successor. When he sees the scarred up Dabi still alive in front of him, he doesn’t feel happiness that his long dead son is alive, or even pity for the monster covered in burns. 

His first thought is disappointment, that Dabi didn’t grow up into what he wanted him to be. Natsu remembers the crying child that always clung to him, but he probably has the most realistic view of his brother. Someone who was suffering under his father, and someone whose pain shouldn’t be forgiven or swept under the rug. Whereas Fuyumi and Shoto who were both less close to Touya, don’t even seem to know how to talk about him, or how to feel. 

Touya is in the eyes of others around him, either a sad and tragic case. A crying child in need of saving who unfortanately did not get saved. Or he’s just not talked about at all. I’m not going to talk about Shoto and Fuyumi because of course they don’t know how to feel about the death of their own brother, and their mom who they’ve been seperated from for a decorated they’re coming to terms with all that slowly but... not only did society as a whole forget about Touya but, Endeavor too. He doesn’t really see Touya. He just sees an unfortanate lost child. He sees a son who he wants to come home. Touya died so young, and so suddenly that his feelings aren’t really recognized. Nobody really knows Touya, and the Touya they all understand is the sad child he used to be. The sad, pitiful, tragic, child. 

And is it any wonder that Touya doesn’t want to be this person anymore? That Dabi denies being this person? If all Touya used to be was a sad child, constantly crying, who was never good enough no matter how hard he tried. Then wouldn’t it make sense that Dabi wouldn’t want to be this person anymore? 

It’s painful being Touya. Touya is vulnerable, a child who couldn’t do anything about his situation. A child who tried so hard he ended up burning himself. Not only is Touya vulnerable, he’s frail, weak, all the things Dabi doesn’t want to be and all the things his father found worthless. Touya has flames stronger than anyone, but a weak constitution to go along with it, so much so he always ends up hurting himself with his own fire. It’s pretty obvious to see that Dabi is in pain, everyone else around him except for Dabi himself seems to notice it. He’s covered in burn wounds at all times, he’s literally constantly smoking, and just barely stitched together. Yet, Dabi denies being in pain, and through doing that, he denies himself. 

2. That Child Grew Up Into An Asshole

Denial is a coping mecahnism.  Refusing to acknowledge that something is wrong is a way of coping with emotional conflict, stress, painful thoughts, threatening information and anxiety. Rather than simply being vulnerable, it’s sometimes easier to deny that you are ever vulnerable atall. Especially for people like Dabi who spent long periods in their childhood feeling helpless and week. 

From the moment a baby comes into the world, forming attachments to parents or other caregivers is critical to a child’s emotional, physical and psychological development. For an infant, having a gentle and responsive caregiver provides the nurturing a child needs to grow into a healthy adult. A cared for child develops self-esteem, feels secure in exploring the world around him or her and has a strong foundation for understanding how to build healthy relationships later in life.

But if those earliest relationships break down, the child may experience what is known as abandonment or neglect trauma.

One way of coping with this trauma is to be entirely self sufficient. To basically close up, never need to rely on other people ever, and therefore never open up. Basically, what Dabi denies more than anything else is his vulnerability, even though it’s obvious he’s in pain. 

Vulnerability, after all is the reason he got abandoned. Touya was tossed to the side because he was too weak. Therefore, in an effort to be strong Dabi denies feeling any pain at all, and in the process shuts out his other feelings. He also denies anything, his connection to his family, any feelings of guilt or remorse he might have.

Self-denail, and self-abuse, it’s the same reason kids from bad homes end up acting irresponsibly and abusing drugs, it’s all a fancy way to hurt yourself. 

If overthinking about things causes him pain, causes him to break Dabi’s solution is to simply not think about things. If being Touya is too painful for him, then Dabi chooses not to be a person and plays up the monster. 

It’s almost like Dabi and Touya are two separate people stitched sloppily together, but they’re coming apart slowly at the seams. Dabi pretends to be a remorseless villain when facing off with Endeavor, but then in front of the crowds when he’s begging for sympathy he shows off all of his burns, sits politely, and presents a character that is much more human making his case that he killed innocent people but he did so with reason, for a good cause. While, the same Dabi instead of Endaevor seems to just want to burn everything for the fun of it. The point being that, Dabi contradicts himself a lot. He argues with himself. 

It’s because Dabi is putting on deliberate acts. He’s changing himself based on the audience. It’s just that he’s also not as good of an actor as he thinks he is. However the performance seems to be pretty consistent at least for the most part, he wants everyone to regret what Touya became because of Endeavor’s abuse so he purposefully makes himself into the opposite of everything Touya was. Touya wanted to be a hero to carry on his father’s legacy, Dabi is a villain dedicated to completely destroying his father’s reputation and leading him to ruin. 

Touya was known for being particularly close to Natsuo, not only playing with him all the time, but confiding in him. Touya must have been a good big brother to Natsuo if Natsuo misses him so much. Yet, Dabi acts like Natsuo is nothing special, just another casualty in his revenge on Endeavor. 

Touya was someone always working hard to earn Endeavor’s attention and please him. Dabi seems to only want to bring about Endeavor’s ruin and think of ways of hurting him. There’s a certain irony in Dabi being so laser focused on Endeavor, because once again you reap what you sow. Endeavor wanted to raise his child to exist solely for his purpose, to carry on his legacy, to center everything around Endeavor’s needs rather than to care for another living human being with needs of his own and that’s what he got - someone who is singularly laser focused and obsessed with bringing him down. Even if Touya is still obsessed with only Endeavor to the point of forgetting the rest of his family, that’s literally just a symptom, a side effect of child abuse, of Endeavor raising Touya with the expectation that he had to please him.

Touya was a kid who is always crying, and Dabi seems to have no feelings at all. Once again, always, always he presents himself as the opposite of everything that Touya was and wanted to be. 

Dabi denies that he is Touya, and therefore denies that he is in pain. 

He pulls his brother close, and hugs him, and then does the opposite of what a big brother is supposed and hurts his younger brother instead of protecting him.

It’s not just Dabi being the opposite of Touya, it’s almost like he’s doing everything he can, to  burn up and riun Touya’s memory. To deny that any part of him ever was Touya. 

Dabi is in denial, but also I think some part of Dabi is aware of his denial. Like I said, he contradicts himself. He says that these are Endeavros’ flames, then just as easily he says “no duh, it’s obvious I’m not Endeavor.” 

I think Dabi realizes what he is doing, it’s just at the moment he believes he has to do this. It’s the only way. Whatever, Dabi is hoping to achieve, the radical reform of society, the destruciton of the hero system, it’s more important the feelings of his family, and more important than his own feelings. 

However, if those feelings are there it means Dabi isn’t without hope. There’s still a human side to Dabi. Dabi is still Touya, the same way Shigaraki is same Tenko. Their child selves died, but they never did die. Dabi is trying to be pure evil, but parts of him are still good he’s just suppressing himself. 

I think what Dabi needs to realize is that his hurt feelings, his feelings of vulnerability, are just as important as the strength he fights with. He needs both parts of himself in order to live on, weak little Touya and villainous Dabi. I don’t think Dabi will turn into a 100% good person, but as for character development the same way that Shoto is learning to reconcile his two disparagent sides, his ice and his flames. I hope that Dabi learns that he’s still Touya, while being Dabi at the same time. He’s not a villain, he’s someone capable of being both good and bad. It’s only that way he can learn to live on as Touya, rather than hoping to die and drag his father to hell with him as Dabi. 

[healingchildhoodtrauma]

Sacrificing Authenticity for Attachment: The Adaptive Survival Responses of Children and Their Influence on Future Relationships

(Part 1)

“If our environment cannot support our gut feelings and our emotions, then the child, in order to ‘belong’ and ‘fit in’ will automatically, unwittingly and unconsciously, suppress their emotions and their connections to themselves, for the sake of staying connected to the nurturing environment, without which the child cannot survive. A lot of children are in this dilemma – ‘can I feel and express what I feel or do I have to suppress that in order to be acceptable, to be a good kid, to be a nice kid?’” ~ Dr. Gabor Mate

As children, we learn to sacrifice authenticity for connection. Done mostly unconsciously, our body’s intelligence recognizes that if we are our full, vibrant self, we’ll lose the attachment with our parents. We may lose any semblance of a relationship at all.

Like all mammals, humans are wired for attachment and will do whatever it takes to experience it. Our sense of self, our sense of life, depends on it. When faced with a situation where being authentic is unsafe, we appease our parents’ expectations of how we should be. Their preferences of attitude and behavior trump our instinctive impulse to be honest, expressive, silly, imaginative, etc.—to be the wild, free human being children so naturally are.

Subtle agreements are made with our parents—if I give up myself, you’ll love me; if I hide, do what’s “right”, fit in, not rock the boat, our relationship will stay intact and I’ll be safe.

Time and again, our parent’s expectations and our biological need for proximity overpower our basic birthright and natural impulse to be ourselves.

Tuning into what we think our parents want us to be, and then living that out, is an adaptive survival response. With the help of our built-in survival intelligence, we be and do according to the environmental demands. If we don’t adapt, if we choose authenticity over attachment and fight back, we can be seen as disruptive, needy, selfish, unreasonable, etc. And we can be emotionally or even physically threatened.

You may remember a time you were confronted by a parent; let’s say your dad. Standing at the door of your bedroom, he had cold, stern eyes and you knew you were going to get a talking to. But you also knew that you didn’t do anything wrong, or that his reactions tended to be disproportionate to your “misbehavior”. By the intensity of his sheer presence, you had little choice but to stay in the uncomfortable conversation, when really, you wanted to run. You had words to say, your side of things. You knew the truth of the matter. But, in his familiar angry impatience, he would not hear them. Trembling with anxiety, overwhelm, anger or sadness, and keeping it all in check, you were forced, once again, to give up your feelings, needs and voice for his unwavering authority. You had to give up your authenticity to remain in some semblance of connection. To get through to the other side of the tension. To remain safe.

In this situation, and many other similar ones, there is pain either way for the child. Either they sacrifice their authenticity or they walk away and sacrifice the approval and relationship. There is hurt from not being able to safely and fully express their inner truth, and there is pain from not being able to connect with their father who they want so badly to love them. There is anger and shame from having to suppress what’s real inside to appease their father, from having to stay in a conversation that does not feel safe, supportive, let alone mutual. But there would also be suffering if the child disregarded the relationship and tried to storm out.

Some kids have the courage to fight back, to fight for their life—their worth, dignity, right to be expressed. Some eventually leave. They leave for an hour, a day, and sometimes forever. Short-term departures may take them to a tree fort or down by the river, sacred ground upon which they can rest in their true nature, hear the stirrings of their heart, if only for a brief while. Risking making their parents upset, they temporarily sacrifice the relationship with their parents—their approval—for self-care.

But because kids still need their parents, especially young ones, most eventually return home to face the consequences of choosing themselves.

Despite the pressures of parental expectations and lack of safety in the home, certain children have the presence of mind to not deny their intuition, their truth. Faced with neglect, confrontation or even abuse from their parents, they manage to hold onto the faint voice within that says, “Stay strong”; “Something isn’t quite right here”; “Trust what you know”. Their resilience and inner knowing is that strong. Their spirit isn’t completely repressible.

A few people have told me that when they were young, they felt like they had an angel speaking to them, a presence that was protecting and guiding them. It would come at night or in their sleep, in moments when they felt most alone or scared. This presence informed them not to voice certain things to their parents, for it would upset them; that it was best to keep their thoughts and feelings inside, secretly sealed in their heart, until a future time when their truth could safely come out. These people, when young, managed to hold onto some flickers of inner truth while also remaining hidden from their parents; to be calculating and go through the motions of pleasing their parents while not completely losing their inner flame.

For many, if not most children, however, that voice, that inner fire, loses its power over time. It gets overcome and progressively shrouded by growing layers of fear and trauma and beliefs such as “I’m not worthy”, “I’m not good enough”, “I’m not lovable.”

Indeed, there is a tremendous impact on a growing child’s neurophysiology and identity if they are forced to sacrifice their authenticity, again and again, in their formative years and beyond. And when we take a clear and honest look at how much children choose attachment over authenticity, at home, school, and elsewhere, we can more fully understand why so many suffer with mental illness. As Dr. Gabor Mate states in this presentation, “When our attachment needs are not met, this is the source of all pathology, whether physical or mental.”

https://www.vincegowmon.com/sacrificing-authenticity-for-attachment/

[creacherkeeper]

Welcome to the tOH fandom!! What do you think of ADHD! Luz (and maybe Eda too!) and autistic!Amity (and maybe Lilith as well)?

thank you!! okay listen this show is so so good for ND headcanons WEIRDOS GOTTA STICK TOGETHER and im like *cries* yea 

adhd luz is great. i love it. she’s eager and never runs out of energy, strong emotions & very expressive, can definitely act immature for her age (i saw something saying she’s 14 but idk if thats canon?), has a hyperfixation on learning magic & her azura books. her inability to choose a magic track i would argue could be read as indecisiveness or decision paralysis. and sometimes her own feelings cause her to miss cues from others (like with eda, amity, & king at the carnival). even the way she has to learn magic works as a metaphor - the way other people learn doesnt work for her so she has to adapt and have accommodations (something to draw on). we also see a few instances that suggest she’s not good at reading how trustworthy people are 

im totally down for adhd eda but i think i like autistic eda better. she has unusual style (the ripped dress, big earrings, gold tooth - not to mention the times she puts on ‘human fashion’). her speaking voice is unusual too, but is often at a flat effect (absolutely not a dig at the actress i’ve had a crush on her since i was like 9). special interest in owls & weird human objects. learns differently & thinks outside the box, but is still extremely gifted as a witch, she just has to do things her own way. uneven motor skills - very powerful witch & good at sports but also like, just fumbles her staff all the time. seems to get along better with demons (king, hooty, and i’ll count owlbert here too) over other humanoids. did NOT fit in at school. has trouble connecting to and empathizing with people, often says rude things whether she means to or not. tends to show affection through gestures (training, making the cloak) over words or physical affection. does NOT understand why she should have to follow the rules (school, witchcraft, society at large) because they seem arbitrary to her 

also - not an nd headcanon and FAR from a perfect metaphor - but my chronically ill ass was just sitting there like 8O SHE HAS TO TAKE HER MEDS OR SHE’LL GO INTO A FLARE and i was just pretty excited about that 

jury is still out on lilith for me. i can see autistic lilith though. she’s got flat effect, dulled emotional expression, gifted in her craft, trouble seeing eda’s pov, seems to be low empathy, and from what we see may be fairly gullible. i need to see more screen time from her before i make it an Official Headcanon though. 100% up to hearing other peoples arguments about this 

amity is a little harder for me but here’s my headcanon (cw child abuse) 

she very well could be autistic. i didnt get a strong Vibe from her one way or the other. but her behavior, to me at least, seems to line up a lot more strongly with childhood trauma. specifically parental abuse. granted we haven’t seen much of her parents yet, but that’s the vibe i got and i’ll explain why 

amity is extremely driven and perfectionistic, but it does not seem like she’s self-motivated. it seems like she’s trying to live up to her parents high and strict expectations of her. she wants to be friends with willow, and then later luz, but she can only keep the friends her parents deem are worthy - theyre controlling of her social interactions far more than is normal. she has very low tolerance for her own mistakes, and gets extremely upset when she’s embarrassed or gets into trouble. to me that’s a thing a kid learns at home - mistakes are a big deal (and could be punished in some manner). she’s very awkward at trying to make real friends, which makes me think she doesnt have good role models & her emotional development was not prioritized. in the beginning we see her bully people and gee wonder where she learned that. when she’s training, it’s not her parents or even lilith who are training her - its her older siblings who she doesnt get along with and dont even seem to be on the same track as her? so even though expectations for her as a witch are extremely high, the actual adults are neglecting to help her 

when both lilith and eda cheat at the covention duel - amity doesn’t get upset at lilith. she gets upset at luz who is not an adult and is an easy target. lilith and eda are really the ones that embarrassed her, but she doesn’t feel she can get angry at either of them and takes out her emotions lower in the pecking order. we also see that she quit grudgby forever because she accidentally hurt her teammates - which makes me think her anxiety & guilt in general is pretty high. when she does decide luz is cool, she gets Very Attached Very Fast which can definitely be a trauma thing - here is a Safe Person i am now incredibly invested in. when they go into willow’s memories, she’ll do anything to keep luz from seeing how she hurt willow, probably because she’s afraid luz will be disappointed in her (and what? abandon her for not being perfect?) and even her parents in the memory are just shadowy figures and not real people. her biggest fear (which, yes cute gay stuff was happening) is being rejected, which makes me think besides the grom there is an actual threat of that in her life

so ALL IN ALL yes some of these things overlap with autism & i definitely wouldnt argue against an autism headcanon, but to me this just is so strongly childhood trauma stuff that i personally wouldnt hc autism until i know more 

also LITERALLY ALL THE CHARACTERS ARE ND thank you for coming to my ted talk good day 

[halcyonmirage]

KHR theory in 2020? It’s more likely than you think...

I’m swamped with finals and a lot of emotional stress right now, but at the same time, KHR has decided to invade my brain again and I cannot stop thinking about it SO-

KHR THEORY VENT WHILE I BREAK FROM WORK.

I’m still really disappointed that we never got a backstory or any in depth look into Hibari Kyoya’s character. Like why is he the way he is?? How the frick is he so strong? Does he have any relations at all?? 

And then after reading through some wiki stuff, I found out about something I haven’t known since....God knows how many years its been when I first watched KHR.

Fon and Hibari. Are....Related????? Bro WHAT-

This opened up a whole ass theory in my head-

SO. My head-canon is now that Hibari comes from an insanely wealthy and influential family. This is pretty obvious, since he’s been shown to live in a fancy place in the future and even has access to his own damn helicopter. But what I think, is that his parents are dead. They’re either dead or they’re far, FAR away and have no idea what the hell their son is doing or simply don’t care, but lets go with the former for now. I think that being a super wealthy kid, Hibari probably got bullied a lot or even attacked for cash, which lead him to be so good at fighting like he is now. Additionally, if his parents were neglectful/dead, it would explain why he got so attached to small animals. He probably had a pet or something that would keep him company when his parents just weren’t there. Them being dead explains why Hibari is able to get away with so much, namely intimidating the adults in Nammimori. He inherited their fortune, and thus no one wants to stand up to him, just please him so they can get something out of it. Which lets him do wacky shit like stay behind in school to run his committee instead of graduating. His urge to fight is very much a rebellious thing, rebelling against social norms. It’s also a result of how irritated he is. This leads me to believe that his parents were against him fighting and maybe just wanted to baby him and keep him prim and proper, seeing fighting as a “vulgar” thing. Maybe they thought that if there family were to ever be in any real danger, Fon would come to their aid, which would explain why Hibari doesn’t want anyone knowing they’re related. He might feel like that makes him inferior to the storm arcobaleno, and that he wants nothing to do with him, but to be his own person. I also just realized that this explains why he’s never surprised by Reborn’s appearance and why he just smiles at him when they first meet and walks away. He knows about the arcobaleno. He’s related to one. Although, I don’t think Fon is his grandpa or dad or anything like that because I think if that was the case, it would have definitely been mentioned. I’d say more like great uncle perhaps...?

But yeah there’s my take on it and my current head-canon to ease the pain of not knowing for sure.

....Might draw fan art of this later....

[retvenkos]

i just read your tags are you anti-snape?

(so i just saw that my tags were cut off halfway through my rant, so if you want me to finish that, just send in an ask and i will write out my whole thoughts)

okay, so anti-snape is a strong word, with a lot of different connotations to it, and while i wouldn’t brand myself as anti-snape because of all of the strong feelings attached, i would say that i don’t think that snape deserves all of the recognition that he deserves.

why?

what i firstly want to say is that snape is emotional abuser. my case in point here is neville, who had parents that were literally tortured to insanity, proving that his worst fear is snape - his teacher. how many times was snape unusually cruel to neville and harry? how many times did he humiliate hermione - an already bullied, muggle-born student (and possible poc)? snape is established to be cruel, and when you look at his actions, it is clear he is emotionally abusive to his students.

why did i start with this? because i relate with neville - i know what it is like to have your worst fear be an abuser that you face every day. so, therefore, i am biased against snape, and a lot of my dislike for him comes from the fact that no matter how you dice it, this man was in a position of power, abusing those students that looked up to him. 

he especially hated harry, who was an abused kid himself (and there is some kind of narrative in there, an abused kid growing up to hate and alienate an abused kid. i’m not going to get into that. but just think about that for a second and tell me you don’t want to at least dislike snape.). 

and perhaps you want to argue that snape couldn’t know that harry was abused over at privet drive. fair, okay. not everything about a kid can be seen on their face, right? but, one could argue that if snape took the time to look at harry and see him as a kid for a second, he could see hints of it. i have family members who are teachers, and they say that they can never be 100% sure, but they can at least have a good idea of who is abused at home, just based off of the way they interact with other people - especially adults. OR, if you don’t like that idea, you can think of it like this: the teachers at hogwarts are probably close to each other, right? mcgonagall knew (at least to some degree) what the dursleys were like - furthermore, she is close with harry and perceptive. she would have known that harry was abused, and if you don’t think that she wouldn’t have at least mentioned it to snape, i would disagree and say you don’t know mcgonagall. also! dumbledore! there is literally so many opportunities for snape to figure out that harry was abused at home. he just didn’t care.

so, snape is an emotionally abusive man in a position of power, picking on literal children as an outlet for his misplaced anger. this is the set-up for snape, and had he never had an in-depth redemption arc, we would literally all dislike snape.

and i feel like, then, the only reason that we have this snape/anti-snape discourse is dependent on whether or not you think his redemption arc is reason enough to excuse his actions.

and so here we talk about his childhood. which is definitely important and gives good insight, but should not be the only reason as to why he is seen as a good character. childhoods are formative and important, but they are not all encompassing. let’s not forget that snape is a grown man when the story starts. he is 31 years old when we are introduced to his character.

snape had a terrible childhood. he was neglected. he was abused (or so it was implied). he was friendless. he was lonely. he was poorly socialized. he was in a hogwarts house that seemed against him, almost, so he had to work to carve his place out and prove his worth. he wanted to stay at hogwarts all year, if he could.

(sound familiar? harry? neville? you two are here?)

but, school is not always great. at school, there are bullies that are terrible to him - it goes beyond teasing sometimes, snape getting hexed and jinxed and publically humiliated. he has one friend - lily, but sometimes he wonders if she really understands or if she really cares. no one has ever cared for him before, so why should she? he falls in love with her, but she does not reciprocate his feelings. instead, she falls for his tormentor - the person who has made his one safe place terrible, the person who treats him like he’s nothing.

now that is a compelling background. when he falls in with the wrong crowd, we can see why. he is desperate for some kind of belonging, some kind of importance. 

(is that... draco?)

he gets more violent as time goes on. those spells he created? levicorpus? sectumsempra? he’s going down a dark path and he wants to cause pain. he becomes a death eater, and while we don’t get a lot of detail what happens here, he rises in the ranks, which means he had to have done terrible things. at this point, he is clearly a bad person. and maybe he feels remorse during this time, but it’s clearly not enough to push his conscience out of where it is. he is still on voldemort's side.

what changes him? the power of love, of course. because even in this terrible time, he still loves lily - right? but is it love? or is it more like obsession? jk would tell us it’s love, but i would disagree. 

at the beginning, yes. snape loved lily. but after so much has transpired? things changed. snape is no longer as pure as he once was. he changed. any maybe he didn’t notice it, sure. but wasn’t he different, after everything?

if he loved lily, he would have cared about (even minorly) the things she cared for. yes, he could still hate james with a burning passion, yes he could let that ruin his and lily’s relationship,,, but could he become the very thing she feared and abhorred? could he become a death eater, literally killing people she loved? people just like her? could he have gone to her house, stepped over her dead husband, ignored her crying child to mourn her dead body?

this feels more like obsession. if you love someone, you care about them - their wellbeing, their peace of mind. love means you need to have an awareness for who your loved one loves, and you can accept them for the fact that they love someone else. snape shows he doesn’t. he only cares for her.

here we are, now, at this point is snape's story, and the natural progression in his redemption arc is for him to actively try to amend his terrible actions.

and... he does? kind of?

he becomes a double agent which is perfect. he vows to protect harry, which he does, physically... but he has a clear disregard for protecting harry emotionally, which one could argue is most important in harry’s story.

to defeat voldemort, harry has to come to terms with the idea that love is his strongest weapon against the dark lord, right? so snape being horrible to harry is not only bad because emotional abuse is real, but it’s also part of why harry is so angry and bitter in the sixth book, the exact opposite of what he needs to be if he wants to defeat voldemort.

also, snape preaches “control your emotions” but snape... is emotionally unstable and takes out all of his anger on children half his age? idk. that just bothers me.

so i feel like snape kind of half-asses his way through his redemption arc. he has chosen a different side, yes, but he doesn’t make a lot of intrinsic changes. he’s still angry. he’s still bitter. he’s still emotionally manipulative and abusive. 

so really, the question is: is a redemption arc dependent on a change of heart? or is a change of action good enough?

if you haven’t already picked up on how i feel about this issue, i don’t think a change of action is enough.

redemption is the act of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil (thanks, google). it’s absolution for your crimes. i feel like redemption is an intrinsic transformation, and jk preaches that love can do such an act. i’ve already covered that i don’t think snape loved lily, at the point of his big character changing moment. he was obsessed. it was more a change of action, than of heart.

BUT, that doesn’t mean that i don’t think he couldn’t have been redeemed. toward the close of his story, i kind of saw him as going through another arc as a character - i saw him start to care for harry more as harry rather than the child of the woman i’m obsessed with. i think, here,  he’s starting to show that love that jk insists he has. 

i think that if he had more time, he could have had a more full, more satisfying redemption arc. and that’s the tragedy of his character, right? we could always sort of trust him, but we could never fully trust him until the end. he was never really quite redeemed, it was cut short.

so, basically, i grapple with the fact that jk is adamant that snape is the good guy, he’s the redeemable character, when... he’s kind of only halfway there. AND, this is coupled with the fact that i believe draco was halfway there to a complete redemption arc, and jk is equally as adamant against draco getting a redemption arc.

jk has said that she thinks that the people who want draco to be redeemed are just girls obsessed with the bad boy having a heart of gold (which is fair, to some extent), but... isn’t she the exact same with snape? isn’t she equally obsessed that her readers know snape as being the emotionally scarred, bad boy with a heart of gold? food for thought.

also, where i draw a clear distinction between the crimes of draco and the crimes of snape is that draco is a teenager alongside the teenagers he bullies and emotionally abuses (draco, too, is an abuser! if you want an analysis on him, hmu.) draco is a 15 year old abusing other 15 year olds. this is terrible, and it can’t be excused. i agree. BUT, snape is a 31 year old man abusing 11 year olds. he is also their teacher. there is a clear power imbalance coupled with the fact that snape is an adult, who is supposed to be wiser and smarter.

so... long post, forgive me. i could go off about the crimes of jk rowling's depiction of slytherins forever and never be fully satisfied. i’m sure that in a weeks time i will have more i want to add onto this post. but for now, these are my thoughts on snape’s redemption arc, and my answer to whether or not i am anti-snape.

i am sure that after reading this, there are some of you who will think that i am anti-snape. that’s fine. you can have your own opinion, but if you are going to say that, know why.

no opinion is good if you can’t explain why.

[pxrxllel]

inner child trauma (11/12/20)

Today was filled with epiphanies, and I’m a mix of excited, at peace, and anxious about all the answers they’re providing.

Yesterday I watched a webinar on self-love and self-sabotaging in the context of romantic relationships, and here were some of the key points:

Who did you crave love and approval from the most as a child?

Your relationship with your parents and your needs being met/unmet subconsciously create emotional patterns that you take into your adult relationships. Therefore, your relationships are a reflection of how your needs were met by your parents.

When you have a wounded inner child, you are fixated on ensuring the outcome that you expect. The energy you take into the relationship is based on fear and control.

You’re trying to protect your wounded Inner Child by controlling the outcome, to avoid being hurt again.

I’ve taken the attachment styles quiz and for the most part, I come out as being anxious. I know I definitely tend to take on the role of the mother/therapist/fixer upper in my relationships (which has usually ended up with me becoming avoidant after a while due to resentment), but I’ve also had some where I didn’t feel the need to and I became clingy instead. So maybe that’s me yoyo-ing between the two, which I think the webinar described as being disorganised. 

I’m keenly aware that I have a rich history of needing external validation, because approval was never received from my parents. I was never emotionally applauded for anything I did - in fact, my parents nitpicked me to the point where I was made to feel innately wrong. It’s hard to not be angry about it, but it’s even worse to hold that against them because it won’t help me make progress. A large part of the validation was being called fat and ugly, which may be why I’ve been so reliant on compliments about my appearance all throughout my life, and even still since I’ve become objectively attractive. My father and some extended family always framed it as not being pretty enough to attract boys, which I’ve previously established as the key reason why I clung onto compliments and relationships and used sexual attention from men as a metric for self-worth. I’m just also starting to realise that perhaps it’s why I took sexual rejection from my previous relationship so personally - I was still unconvinced that he was attracted to me and the rejection only confirmed that I wasn’t desirable in that way (or that’s how my mind attributed it anyway). 

I think I made that realisation about my dependence on external validation in 2018/19. Since then, I’ve actively worked to disempower that, and I’ve largely been successful. I hardly ever use my appearance or compliments as a success metric anymore. I don’t fish for compliments or check for likes half as much as I used to. And it’s sort of been a self-fulfilling prophecy; the less I cared, the more they came and I genuinely feel OK about myself. I believe people now when they say nice things about me.

The point about fear and control is really interesting to me because looking back, I definitely was trying to be the ‘perfect’ girlfriend and looked for verbal validation (in the form of compliments, how much it seemed like he was into me) that I was doing a good job. I used to be so sensitive to any changes in the temperature of the relationship, and would melt down easily and take it personally if his demeanour cooled down even in the slightest. When I felt him slipping, I would hastily try to overcompensate out of fear for losing him, which I now know is a recipe for backfire. It’s also interesting because I’ve realised that I’m modelling ‘perfect girlfriend’ after my mother. My mother is a voice of reason/wisdom, emotional support cushion, physical support cushion, service-oriented, problem solver, domestic goddess, and all around superstar. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with those things, and not necessarily wrong for me to aspire to those things, but maybe it’s wrong for me to uphold that as the be all and end all of girlfriend material and then get annoyed when it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. 

Speaking of mirroring, it’s really interesting how accurate it is... a bit too much that it’s creepy. I never heeded it much before, and especially not when my therapist brought it up as something to flag, but I’ve come to the realisation that mine and Jarek’s relationship almost exactly mirrors my parents’ marriage. The long distance thing, and the fact that I feel like my parents aren’t each other’s soulmates. They care about each other a lot obviously, but I feel like my mom relies on my dad for practical reasons (kids and money - she’s much more comfortable playing the role of a mother than a wife) and my dad relies on her for emotional support and all the reasons listed above. Don’t get me wrong, they clearly enjoy each other’s company and get along, but I don’t think they have the X factor that I observe in other couples and what I think I look for. They don’t really have the natural, seamless, deep, almost magical affinity that I’ve been so lucky to experience a handful of times in my life. They don’t naturally understand each other. I think perhaps pragmatic marriages are more common or accepted in Asian cultures and worldviews, but for those of us that grew up in Western cultures, we see the romanticised version of these things and can’t help but want for more. It’s also interesting because I’ve always wondered what it would have been like if my parents weren’t in a long distance marriage/what it’ll be like when they retire and move in together. I always thought that maybe they would get sick of each other and argue more, but I can’t say for sure (plus, they’ve mellowed out a lot as they’ve aged). 

This relates to me and Jarek because I feel like our dynamic is really similar. I care about him so deeply and the way that it manifests is that I treat him the same way my mom treats my dad. I’m definitely more of a mom/therapist to him than I’d like to be - I’m sick of taking on the role of the fixer, although I think it’s neat to help people become self-aware of certain things or issues affecting them, I don’t really want to be the one holding their hand through their journey. And I think maybe the reason why I’m so stubborn about this relationship is that he represents what my dad is to my mom: Material security, stability, a comfortable life, America, all the boxes ticked. Even if he doesn’t understand me, and even if he doesn’t absolutely light me on fire, I’ve been accepting of it because I see how it works with my parents. And with them I know it can work, if I stay committed to the path. And I’ll be rewarded with my needs for security and safety and permanence met, which were not present for me emotionally as child - see how I’ve looped back to the beginning of this piece? And that’s also why I guess I feel so stable in this relationship: I know it well, I know how it goes and how it can end up, and I’m not grasping at fear or control to try to maintain the outcome because I already know what the outcome is. 

Jarek himself has a lot of childhood trauma too and his level of anxious attachment is far more severe than mine (I think I’m secure in some ways, too, esp ever since I actively worked on myself). His parents have a loveless marriage and he’s been emotionally neglected and felt unsafe in his family his whole life, so that’s something for him to work on and I honestly am not sure if we would be able to have a functional relationship if we were both still stuck in our ways.

I really truly think that because of this fixing issue I have, deep down I believe that until that’s cured, I can only be loved at arm’s length. Because if I get too close, I become too suffocating and overwhelming to be around because my fear kicks in and I start becoming controlling. So it would make sense then that the relationships I get tired of are the long distance ones and then everyone I do get (properly) close to in real life are the people I scare away with my intensity. This pattern makes total sense when taken into consideration with my childhood and how my parents are with each other. 

I would like to ask my mom these questions:

Do you think you and dad understand each other?

Why do you love him?

How do you think your marriage would be different if you weren’t long distance?

Have you ever wanted more from the marriage?

I’m quite proud of myself for coming to these conclusions without therapy, and I have a strong gut feeling I’m not wrong with any of these as it makes complete logical sense. And while it’s so good to have some clarity, context, explanations, and answers about all this, it doesn’t necessarily inform my next steps (although it can provide a guide). Knowing about these subconscious patterns and my emotional makeup means I can check myself according to my personal goals, but it doesn’t provide a template for my decision-making. I think that’s something I need to chew on more, as to where to go from here. I still need to figure out what I really want and what’s best for me and will make me happy. It’s hard because I don’t have a healthy relationship to look at and view as a model, so I don’t know what it should be like apart from relying on my gut and perceptions.

However, I accept that although the answers may be not what I want and I may have to make some tough decisions, it’s ultimately the right thing to do for my own wellbeing and happiness, and that of everyone else as well.

[p-artsypants]

Longest Night (36) Visiting

Ao3 | FF.net

Waking up was slowly becoming Adrien’s least favorite activity. Of course, that was shortly followed by falling back to sleep. He was in a state of barely wakefulness, while also being too tired to sleep. His mouth was dried out and scratchy, and the tingling sensation of numbness had settled into his limbs.

Breathing was still difficult. He knew that the tube in his throat was supposed to be helping with that, but it just sucked. It all sucked. Everything hurt, and he felt disgusting, and his nose itched.

Was this his existence from now on? He didn’t know if he could bare it.

The doctor was standing in front of him. “Hi Adrien, how are you feeling today?”

How was he supposed to answer that? With a moan? A smile?

“Wink once for yes, and twice for no.”

Wink.

“Excellent. Now I know you’re uncomfortable, but we need to wake you up for a little bit. In about an hour, we’ll sedate you again.”

Oh so he wasn’t even sleeping on his own? Damn.

“Are you warm enough?”

Wink.

“Are you thirsty?”

Wink.

“Yeah, I’m sure your mouth is dry too. But you can’t take any fluids by mouth right now. You have a feeding tube in your mouth, and a nasotracheal tube in your nose so you can breathe. Then we have an IV for fluids. Because you’re thirsty, that’s a sign that I can up your fluid intake.”

Adrien closed his eyes, emotion building behind his eyelids.

He didn’t want this.

“We’re going to get some food in you too, while you’re awake. It might feel a little awkward because you won’t be swallowing on your own, but you have to eat.”

It not like Adrien could protest.

So food was forced down the tube in his throat by a pump. It wasn’t a lot, but it helped to ease the pain in his stomach.  

“There’s someone who’s been dying to see you. Well, he’s been here for a while, but he wants you to see him,” Said the doctor. “Are you up for a guest?”

No. He wasn’t. He didn’t want anyone to see him.

Unless it was Marinette. In which case, yes.

Wink.

Instead, a black blur floated in front of his face. “Hey kid,” Plagg greeted, with a soft voice full of affection.

Looking into Plagg’s infinite green eyes, Adrien felt a hurricane of emotions. Feelings of abandonment, betrayal, grief, and failure. Of sorrow and anger, confusion and hatred.

It was awful and unfair. Plagg hadn’t done anything wrong, and Adrien knew that in his head.

But trauma messes with the brain.

Adrien clenched his eyes shut, as tears leaked out.

“I missed you,” Plagg said, nuzzling against his cheek.

Where were you?! Adrien screamed in his head, I needed you!

“You’re so brave, Adrien.”

But Adrien didn’t want to hear it. He was so lost in his hurt, he couldn’t bare it. He swatted Plagg away, feebly.

The Kwami sunk to the mattress, staring at his charge. This was not the tearful reunion he expected. “Adrien?” He whispered.

The boy kept his eyes shut as tears continued to slip out.

The doctor carefully wiped his face. “Alright, that’s enough for today.” He urged.

Plagg disappeared, hiding somewhere out of sight, and that was just fine with Adrien.

“That wasn’t very nice, Adrien.” Gabriel scolded.

Ugh. He wanted to talk to his father even less. Especially right now. Why was he even here? Wasn’t he profoundly disappointed in him already? Was he a glutton for punishment?

“Plagg has been here all along. He’s been worried sick. I’ve been worried sick.”

Yeah right.

Adrien rolled his eyes and turned his face towards his pillow. This was unfair, having to listen to this, not being allowed to leave. Not being able to defend himself.

“Mr. Agreste,” the doctor interrupted. “Adrien’s heart rate is accelerating. We’re trying to keep him calm. Perhaps now is not the time for a lecture.”

“Of course. I’m sure he’s just confused.”

Confused? No, he was perfectly aware of what was going on. He was in a hospital, bound to a bed, and being prepared to fit right back into the peg he didn’t fit anymore. He could see it unfolding around him.

And it was maddening.

“I can see you’re feeling tired. Ready to go back to sleep?”

Please. Please for the love of God.

Wink.

“Alright. Just try to relax and take a deep breath, counting down from ten.

1…

2…

3…

Well it didn’t work, because here he was awake again.

“Good morning Adrien, how are you today?”

Again, he couldn’t talk. Hadn’t they just had this conversation? Perhaps not, considering the doctor had been wearing a blue shirt yesterday, and today he was wearing a red one.

Had he slept that hard?

“Are you cold?”

Wink wink.

“Are you hot?”

Now that he thought about it, he was stifling under these blankets.

Wink.

The doctor rolled back the top layer.

Again, he was force fed some unidentifiable substance through a feeding tube, and he was asked a dozen yes or no questions.

“I have some more visitors for you. If you’re up for it.”

Why not? It’s not like he was really given a choice.

But when Tom Dupain came into view, with a warm and tender smile on his lips, Adrien relaxed.

“Hey kiddo, look at you! You’ve got some color in your cheeks!” He said softly, brushing his thumb over his forehead.

That felt nice.

Sabine was up further by his head. “We’ve been with Marinette most of the time, but when the doctor said you were going to wake up for a little bit, we just had to come say hi!” She was lightly scratching his scalp.

That felt really nice.

Now these were parents. Always a warm welcome, full of hugs, ready to stuff him full of carbs. Whenever he had come over to Marinette’s house, they had both asked about his day, his well-being. It was everything he craved in his own father.

They were a comfort. The comfort of having a mom and dad around when you didn’t feel well. Though they couldn’t necessarily make the pain go away, the kiss on the head was soothing.

“Marinette’s sitting up now and eating on her own.” Sabine said, as she squeezed his hand. “Isn’t that just wonderful? She still sleeps most of the time, but that’s really good.”

It hurt to hear about his lady. Hurt to hear and not see.

“She came to see you a few days ago,” said Tom. “When you were severely unstable instead of mostly unstable.” He joked. “She really misses you.”

And he missed her. Even though they were mostly separated in the catacombs, she was still with him in experience. The fear for her safety, wondering if she was safe, it kept her close when he couldn’t be with her. Her voice from the adjacent cell, her hand in his...

What a horrible thing to bond over.

“She’d come see you every day if she could.” Tom insisted, “but the doctors want you both to stay as calm as possible. Especially you. But it won’t be long until we move you into the same room.”

Sabine swept the bangs from his forehead. “And Marinette is really looking forward to spending the Christmas season with you. Hot cocoa, cookies, evenings in front of the fire and watching the snow fall...”

All things he had seen in movies, but nothing he had emotional attachment to. Maybe having them around for the season would make things more bearable, but he doubted Sabine had any idea how unmotivated the holiday made him.

“You’re so strong.” Sabine whispered, before kissing his forehead. “You’re fading fast, but just know that we’ll be checking in on you when we can.”

Adrien felt a tear run down his cheek.

What did he do to deserve such love? Did they just love Marinette so much that it overflowed onto the people she loved? Was that what a parent’s love was like? Or what it should be like?  

With one last squeeze to his hand, they left. Their departure was foggy, as the drugs started to kick in again.

“Just sleep Adrien, you’re doing so well,” praised the doctor.

1…

2…

3…

And then he was awake again. And the process repeated himself. Hot? Wink wink. Cold? Wink. Blankets. Food.

Guest?

Wink.

This time, it was someone he was unfamiliar with. A woman with short gray hair, stout, Coke-bottle glasses.

“Well hello there, Adrien. Adrien Agreste, the one and only! How’re you feeling sweetie?”

Oh, so this was a fan then? Or perhaps another nurse?

“My name is Dr. Robin Zollar, I’m a board certified clinical psychologist, and I specialize in the treatment of physical and emotional trauma in youth. I’m going to be working with you and Marinette going forward.”

Her voice sounded so familiar to him. Who did she remind him of?

“I know it’s kind of a kick in the pants not being able to talk things out right now, but I just came to introduce myself and let you know I’m here for you.”

It was a cartoon character, for sure. An older woman in a cartoon...

“I’ll be keeping an eye on your recovery, and when you can talk, I’ll be right here to listen. And if you don’t want to talk about it right away, you don’t have to. I won’t judge, I’m just here to help.”

Ah yes. The fairy godmother from Cinderella. An odd connection, but it felt accurate.

“What you’ve both been through is extremely traumatic, and it’s one that no one else can sympathize with. From here on out, you’re going to have to learn what your new normal is. Don’t expect to get right back to where you were. You need to be patient with yourself and know your limits. Most of all, I want you to talk out what you’re feeling. Don’t bottle stuff up, though it might be easy to do so.”

What, no bippity boppity boo?

“You have a great support network here. It’ll be really easy to shut everyone out, but I recommend against that.”

A strong support network? Where was that network the rest of his life? When his mother died? Through all those years of grieving and neglect? When he asked for therapy?

Where was the comfort then? He had asked for help. And he had been told he didn’t need it. It took the trauma to be public to get help.

And that was bullshit.

“Is that something you’re interested in? Wink once for yes, twice for no.”

Wink wink.

The woman nodded. “Okay. Well, if you change your mind, your father will get in touch with me.”  

Yeah right. If he changed his mind, his father will ridicule him for it. ‘Why didn’t you take it before?’ He’d ask, ‘it’s been long enough now. You don’t need it anymore.’

But it’s not like it would help anyway.

The psychologist bid him farewell while he was lost in his thoughts, and soon he was put back to sleep again.

The next morning, while felt like a minute later, Adrien blinked his eyes open, seeing Doctor Boucher nearby.

But there was someone else too. A warm, familiar face that he hadn’t expected to see.

Nino.

Nino was smiling at him. Just a patient, friendly smile.

Adrien hated it. And he hated that he didn’t know why.

Nino rested a hand on his shoulder, rubbing a thumb back and forth over his collarbone. He comforted him while he was fed, and all his vitals were checked. Then the doctor backed off.

“Hey bro, you look like death.” He said it with a laugh, trying to make a joke. To loosen him up as always. To bring laughter and happiness to his dull, gray, lonely life.

“I mean, you look better than when you were brought here. Got a little color in your cheeks. Well, your face in general, I can’t really see your cheeks.”

Right.

“Chloe really wanted to come, but your dad was afraid she would jump on you in her excitement.”

That was probably true. He didn’t really want to face Chloe right now anyway.

Nino swallowed thickly, and when he spoke, his voice was filled with emotion. “I really missed you, Adrien. You’re my best friend, my brother…the best person I know.” He sniffed. “I want you to be happy, you know? I want…to help you. And I’ll do anything for you. You know that, right?”

There was a tickle on the back on his head. A memory locked away that was demanding to be recalled. A moment on a rooftop, standing in the drizzling rain. Nino on the ground, terrified, staring up at him with nothing but fear.

“Hey, hey dude…come on man…you didn’t know.”

Shame. That’s what he felt. He had hurt his best friend, though he couldn’t remember the specifics. But why wouldn’t be feel shame? The whole world saw him naked, crawling on the ground, wallowing in his filth and crying crying crying…

Wasn’t Nino embarrassed by him? Wasn’t he disgusted? Everyone else was.

He had to be faking it. Cutting him off like he wanted to would make him feel too guilty. That had to be it.

Who would want to be friends with him?

Nino kept talking, but Adrien didn’t want to hear anymore. So he closed his eyes and pretended to fall asleep.

Eventually he left, by suggestion of the doctor, and the room went quiet.

Every once in a while, he’d hear the flip of a piece of paper, and the beep of a machine. Cracking one eye open, he saw his father reading a magazine. The lights were dimmed, and they were alone.

The doctor hadn’t put him back under for sedation.

Which meant he could finally rest without the jarring sensation of the scene changing every hour, but it also meant he had to fall asleep on his own. It also meant he had time to think. And only think.

His pain was low, but with each passing minute, it was starting to rise again.

It would be really nice to lay on his other side. Ugh, but he was too weak to even try.

God his throat was dry.

His father flipped another page. Why wouldn’t he just go home? Why was he here? Pretending to care?

A throat cleared, but it wasn’t Gabriel’s.

Adrien raised his eyes to the door, where a figure in black leather stood.

Adrien’s throat was already dry, and he almost gagged on his feeding tube.

“Relax, it’s just me.” Said the figure, becoming more visible.

Chat Noir had come to visit him.

Wait.

He rubbed his thumb over his ring finger, not feeling his Miraculous.

“Nah, don’t worry. I’m a hallucination born of a lot of pain meds and trauma. I don’t think the doc ever had a time to explain that to you.”

So he was crazy now?

“No, you’re not crazy. My visits will fade with time. But you have to talk somehow.”

To who? Himself?

“Yeah. Better than no one. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Why Chat? Why not regular Adrien? It’s because you don’t want to be Adrien right now.”

True.

“But Chat’s always been your creative outlet. Your source of bravery, your fun side. Maybe you’ll listen to me better.”

Listen to him? What did he have to listen to?

“Your attitude stinks,” Chat said fiercely. “How dare you. You should be glad they can’t see your facial expressions. Nino was so worried about you, and you tuned him out! Tom and Sabine? They took time away from their own daughter, who’s hurt just as bad as you are, to come see you and to love on you, and you doubted them! Your own father, who has never showed an ounce of care for you in years, is here, right here!” He gestured to the man who was oblivious to the exchange. “He’s left his house, he appeared in public, and he looks like a hobo! Because of you! I know this isn’t going to undo all those years of hurt, but you have to acknowledge him. It’s not fair to him, and it’s not fair to you if you don’t.”

And when he wasn’t dying in a hospital? When Gabriel decides everything is fine now, and turns back into a robot?

“Then that’s his problem. Then you can say ‘screw it’ and be with Marinette.” He took a few steps closer and loomed over him, threateningly. Though he was a hallucination, Adrien feared he might actually get hurt.

“More than anything, you need to apologize to Plagg.”

Plagg abandoned him. No matter how many times he called for him, he never came. Not in the darkest places, in the longest nights…

“He was asleep in the ring! You can’t blame him for that! Don’t you know how much he loves you? He’s been with you every moment since you got the ring. He’s your constant companion, and he knows how to make you feel better. Why would you push him away?”

He promised never to leave Adrien alone ever again.

“That wasn’t his fault. You know that. I’m right here, telling you. And I am you. That part of you that Salo tried so damn hard to stamp out. That part of you that loves unconditionally, that gives second chances to those that don’t deserve it. The part of you that made you worthy of the Miraculous.”

Well, Adrien was tired of that part of him. It only lead to trouble.

“Deny me all you want, but I’m the foundation to your very being. I’m not going anywhere. This is who you are, Adrien. Accept it, or spend the rest of your life in denial and misery.”

“Adrien?” The small, timid voice of Plagg spoke up. “Are you still awake?”

The kwami floated into his vision, his limbs limp, his ears drooped, and eyes downcast. “Listen…I know…I know you feel like…” He sighed, unable to find the words. Adrien knew he was always bad with feelings. “I love you, Adrien,” he said finally. “You’re my favorite holder I’ve ever had. I would never, ever intentionally abandon you. When Salo took off the ring…I felt ripped away from you. I felt it. It was the worst feeling ever. Then I was alone in the ring, waiting. I didn’t know if you were killed or—“ Fat tears fell from his eyes as he struggled to continue. “And then I woke up, and I found you…and you were in surgery and there was all that blood—“ he dissolved into quiet sobbing.

Maybe Chat Noir had a point. Maybe everyone was right. Even if the only person, or kwami, gunning for him was Plagg, he would be unstoppable.

It took great effort, but Adrien raised his hand and wrapped his fingers around Plagg’s small body, stroking his head with his thumb.

“Are…are you still mad at me? Wink once for yes, and twice for no.”

Wink wink.

[some-cookie-crumbz]

TodoDeku with a baby using prompt 10?

Guess who took this prompt and went way overboard with it? This dweeb! *points at self*

Also, Trigger Warning: Mentions/References to Experimentation on Children, Mentions/ References to Child Neglect/ Abuse.

Parenting was a strange, exciting event that, while Todoroki Shouto adored, occasionally left him grasping at straws.

His own upbringing had been anything but soft and comforting. There had been the brief moments of reprieve with his mother or older sister, but they were far and few between; especially after the scalding incident. As he grew up, however, he began to come out of his own shell and begin picking up the pieces from his shattered youth. He developed a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor that people seemed to enjoy. He went out of his way to bumble awkwardly through befriending people he admired, boasting a small but close social circle that his younger self had thought was only a dream.

And he fell helplessly in love with Midoriya Izuku, the man who started these changes in him, and the two had started a family together a few years after marrying.

He had been nervous but thrilled about the whole prospect. While his own experience with parenting was dark and scarring – literally – he felt good about how he and Izuku would manage. The two of them were a strong couple and were very vocal about their needs and wants. They had a great support system in their friends, Inko and All Might, Rei and Shouto’s siblings, and – to a much lesser and restricted extent – Endeavor. They had done their research into what options were available for them and then started on the grueling process of being approved through both means; the first being adoption, and the second being assisted by a medical professional with an accommodating Quirk. Due to reform acts in the justice system – and Shouto would forever be grateful for those changes, all things considered – the process was a bit more complex for Pros, and especially so for a married couple that were both Pros.

But, after a full fourteen months of paperwork, appointments, interviews and home evaluations, they received their approval letter. And then, a few months later, on November 12th, they brought home their son, Todoroki Satoshi.

Satoshi was born via the assistance of a Quirk user, meaning he was biologically related to Shouto and Izuku. Just based on appearance, his relation to the Todoroki family was clear; he had the crimson locks and steel toned eyes and pale complexion. His hair did, however, have that same natural curl that Izuku's did, making it a nightmare to tame as it grew longer. Aside from his appearance, though, as he got older, more of his behavior was also derived from his Papa. He had more confidence in him than either Shouto or Izuku had at his age but that was compounded by being incredibly emotional and a bit of a crybaby. Toshi was near as quick to tears as his Papa had been a long time ago, but a part of Shouto was grateful for it. He liked that he was comfortable enough with himself to be so vulnerable and transparent with his feelings.

And then, when he was just a few weeks shy of four, there had been the manifestation of his Quirk, which had been... Well, a shit show, to put it in the most honest of terms. They’d been over at the Todoroki estate so the kids could visit with their cousins, aunts, uncles and Rei, the little cluster of seven children running to and fro chasing a ball in the yard. Shouto had been pleased to watch his children get to play with their family, delighted by the excited squeals and shouts coming from them all. But then, after a few minutes, Satoshi had come running over, all watery eyes and choked wails about how his throat hurt and it was hard to breath, little fingers clawing at his neck as if that would soothe his pain. He and Izuku were immediately rushing to get him in his Papa’s arms for a leap to the nearest emergency room, when he suddenly squirmed and pushed away, putting a bit of distance between himself and Izuku, turned his head to the side and unleashed an impressive blast of fire from his mouth, scorching a large tree not too far off into nothing but smoldering kindling. He and Izuku had stared at the murdered tree before looking at each other and then down at their son, who had slumped back against his Papa’s chest with a small whine. “I thought I was gonna puke,” he mumbled sheepishly. They had nodded awkwardly, not sure how else to respond, before Shouto excused himself to get the little tot some water.

Rei had been the one with the most insight of how to help them manage his newfound abilities, citing how she had managed Touya and Shouto when their Quirks first presented and they hadn’t started training with Endeavor. She suggested some small game-like exercises that would help Satoshi figure out how to make the Quirk work when he wanted, as well as give him some insight to when his Quirk was activating and he couldn’t stop it. A few days later, Endeavor had approached Shouto with the information for a support tech group that specialized in making customized home materials - such as sheets and clothes and the like - for children still learning to manage their Quirks. “Let them know I advised you speak with them and they should offer you a discount,” he had said. And that was the end of it, much to Shouto’s surprised pleasure.

Furthermore, getting in touch with Izuku's father had been a huge help, too. Satoshi's fire-breathing Quirk was significantly stronger than the elder Midoriya's was, but it seemed the backlash was similar. Overextending the Quirk could lead to dehydration - which had been learned quickly, given how excitedly he'd shown his Quirk off initially - and, when pushed too far, had actually torn his throat up enough to make him cough up some blood. The bigger struggle with him was maintaining control of how far and large the blast was. Almost a year after the fact, Satoshi was still learning in regards to those aspects of it, but had made great strides in his ability to control when the fire was used. It had been a month since the last time his Quirk went unruly and almost set a fire while he was sleeping and that was no small accomplishment.

And then there was their daughter, who came home just a short while after Satoshi turned a year old.

She was found through work. Or, rather, Izuku found her as part of an investigation he was assigned to. Shouto didn't know the specifics since he wasn't one of the Pros on the mission, but he knew it was disgusting; something involving experimentation to see about accelerating the development process for Quirks. All 78 test subjects had been children - some as old as eleven and their daughter being the youngest at only three months old - and it had rattled his husband to the core, seeing the state they were all in and how they'd been treated leading up to the sting. For the next two weeks, Izuku went to the hospital every night to visit with the children, checking their progress and hoping for the best. Once Shouto found out why he was going, he would join him when he could.

It was through this he learned specifically of Girl 36, the label attached to the youngest victim.

Of the 78 children, only 23 ended up surviving the ordeal; and of that, only 7 were reunited with their biological families while the rest needed to be rehomed completely. Girl 36 turned out to be biologically related to two of the main villains involved in the whole experiment who were still at large. Neither side of the villains' families wanted her, though, seeing her as a reminder of where their bloodlines had gone wrong. Her fate had seemed further sealed when a doctor had told them outright that she, as the youngest, was least likely to make it much longer. "While she hasn't been subjected to as much experimentation as some of the others," he said patiently, "she is very young and very small. For an infant of her age to have been this mistreated and neglected, the odds of bouncing back may as well be negative digits. We'll keep doing all we can, but we're mostly just trying to make sure she is as comfortable as possible when the inevitable occurs."

And she had been so small, so fragile, appearing as if an odd look would be enough to break her, that Shouto couldn't blame the doctor for his assessment. He peered down at her, tucked away in a little incubator of sorts, hooked up to far too many machines, and saw her little eyes crack open. Pumpkin colored slivers stared up at he and Izuku, a small spark there, and he knew. He knew that even if no one else believed that she could pull through, that she was strong and she would beat those impossible odds. That night, Shouto suggested they apply to adopt her. Izuku had wept in joy, confessing he had wanted to ask but wasn't sure how to approach it, and they started the process the following morning. It took six weeks for things regarding the adoption to be finalized, and then five more after before she was medically cleared to be discharged, but it was all well worth it.

Her birth date was determined to be some time in early May, with the doctor deciding the tenth seemed like a good day, and she sat at six months old when she came home on November 24th. They had selected the name Momiji for her because with her red-brown hair and orange eyes she seemed to be the living embodiment of fall aesthetics. So, naming her after the leaves that fell in the season she came home in only made sense. It was a little difficult at first, balancing their work with two children under the ages of two and one who needed a bit of extra care and monitoring, but they figured it out and were happy. Toshi enjoyed having a little sister to play with and Momiji started to thrive under the watchful eyes of her new, loving family.

But Momiji was rather different than Satoshi as she got older. She was easily excitable and an absolute chatterbox and seemed to have boundless energy. Furthermore, despite how much she had needed to be monitored, she was already significantly more independent than her brother. Part of that, though, could have been a side effect of how early on her Quirk ended up presenting. She had just barely been two years old when it happened, and while not unheard of, had become rather uncommon. The doctor explained that this was most likely a side effect of the experimentation she’d been put through, as it was a recurring theme with some of the other younger children that had lived. It had happened while she was in the bath before bedtime, as she was squealing and happily splashing about while Izuku laughed at her antics. One minute, she was in the tub, and then she suddenly perked up, her giggles cutting off as she blinked. “Momi?” Izuku had asked, tilting his head at her.

She patted at her belly and looked up at him, as if that would answer the question, and then she was enveloped in a yellow-white mist of light. It was brief - less than three seconds, Izuku swore - but when it faded, Momiji was gone. In her room, however, where Shouto had been pulling out some clean pajamas for her, the mist-light appeared, and suddenly Momiji was there, sitting on her changing table and dripping water all over it. Shouto remembered the two of them gawking at each other for a full five seconds before she took in a little gasp and said, nonchalant as a toddler could be, “Oh, hi Daddy.”

Teleportation, it was deemed medically, but Izuku liked to call it Peek-A-Boo, given its sporadic nature.

They'd had to do quite a bit of research to better understand her Quirk; specifically in that they had to drudge up the files of her genetic donors, since Shouto refused to apply the word "parent" to villains like that. Their Quirks were called Locator and Mistafy respectively; one could pinpoint a person's exact coordinates with enough information about them, while the other could briefly transform their body into a faint mist to move around or past things. Learning the limitations of their powers helped give them more insight with Momiji's own Quirk. She didn't have a particularly large range and she was limited to places she knew the layout of to a certain extent, so they didn't have to worry about her poofing off the property, at least. There had been one scare, though, when she'd teleported herself into a small crawl space under the house, where she had apparently burrowed into during a few rounds of hide-and-seek before. She could poof from room to room when visiting Inko and All Might or Rei and Endeavor, what with her being familiar with their homes, but she couldn't just appear in a neighbor's home or something.

And that had been a huge relief, really. They'd had to start working on her Quirk early on to avoid her “peeking” - as they preferred to call it - herself somewhere she shouldn't, or somewhere dangerous like the time with the crawl space. They had done it using little games, just like they did with Toshi, and learned that she could also teleport small objects, as well as that overworking her Quirk would lead to fainting spells. She was also a quick study, picking up on the same ticks of her power that her parents had and taking their advice or warning very seriously. Despite being younger, she was better with her Quirk than Satoshi, having reached a point where she seemed to have near-flawless control of it. Her last incident of accidental peeking was nearly three months ago.

But her Quirk was also part of what had Shouto's mind working in overdrive. He had voiced his concern to Rei and Inko, but the pair of them had merely giggled about what a mother hen he was being, fretting over his little chick running the roost a bit more. It wasn't about that, though! It wasn't about her being able to brush her teeth on her own without needing to be asked, or getting herself drinks or anything trivial like that! Shouto was fine that Momiji and Satoshi were already showing differences in who they were growing to be. What he worried about was what the catalyst for her to be so self-reliant at her young age was. How much of her independence was just part of her personality, and how much of it was out of a perceived sense of necessity? Had the need to get a handle on her Quirk led to her feeling like she was obligated to be more responsible, more mature? Was she feeling the same way he felt growing up?

That was what scared him. That she was carrying far too much weight on her little shoulders.

The thought was still bothering him as he dragged himself home after a late night patrol. He knew that by the time he got home, Izuku and the kids would most likely already be in bed. It was a quarter past eleven by the time he came through the door. He made a beeline for the bedroom, being quiet as he did so, and took a quick shower. It was as he was finishing up her pre-bed route that he noticed a quiet rustling sound in the bedroom proper. He rinsed his mouth and poked his head out, flicking the light off as he did.

There was a small squeak of surprise and then the soft patter of footsteps rushing from the left side of the bed towards the door. For a moment, he almost thought it was Toshi, but the figure was a smidge too short. "Momiji," he called softly, resisting the urge to dart over and scoop her up. He kept telling himself to just let her do what she needed to do, to trust that she'd speak up if needed.

She paused in reaching for the door before letting out a whimper, charging at him, latching to his right leg, and started crying. He was stunned by the act for a second, his body wavering slightly. Normally when she wanted one of them, she'd use her Quirk to get to them faster. He shifted to pick her up and cradle her against him, tucking her into his right shoulder. He kept one arm looped under her legs while the other stroked her back, trying to soothe her some. The quiet rustle of covers caught his attention and he turned to see a groggy Izuku sitting up, rubbing one eye with the heel of a hand. The minute he realized what was going on, though, he was wide awake. "What happened?" he mouthed.

"I'm not sure," he mouthed back. He moved over to the bed, carefully slipping into his side while keeping her close. Once he was settled, Izuku moved closer so he could rest against Shouto’s left side and reach out to help soothe their little girl, the three of them all squished together. After a few moments of soft words and gentle reassurances, she settled down a little. Her tiny body still shuddered with each breath in, but her cries had quieted down and her tears had subsided to just small sniffles. “Feeling a little better?” he prompted.

“Mmhmm,” she mumbled, letting out another little sniffle.

Izuku reached over and gently wiped away the last few tears from her cheeks. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I had a bad d-dream,” she said, a hiccup causing her to stumble over the last word. She peeked her little eyes at them before tilting her head to nuzzle further into Shouto, hiding her face. “I kept peeking over and over and I didn’t know where I was and I couldn’t make it st-stop and it was s-su-super s-s-sc-ary!”

Shouto tilted his head to press a small kiss to the top of her head as she started to work herself up into another fit while Izuku started wiping away the new batch of tears. "Oh, Momi, it's okay. It's okay to have scary dreams," Izuku cooed softly.

"N-Nu-uh!" she protested, burrowing her face into Shouto.

Izuku let out a small sigh as he tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "Oh, sweetie, everyone has scary dreams sometimes,"

"N-Not about their Q-Quirks!" she hiccupped, lifting her head to scowl at him. With the watery eyes and trembling lower lip, though, any attempt at intimidation was lost. "M-Mako-Kun doesn't g-get sc-scared of his Q-Quirk! A-And neither do Kaito or Reo or Isamu or Hibari!” The mention of Fuyumi’s kids was unsurprising, but the first one she mentioned did catch Shouto a bit off guard. Mako was the neighbor boy, a middle school student that occasionally walked Satoshi home and who helped his mom babysit them when neither Shouto or Izuku were going to be off of work on time or had anyone else available. His Quirk had something to do with generating poison and anti-venom, from what Shouto recalled, but he couldn't remember the specifics. Something to ask Izuku about later, since he'd most likely know.

"Well, Mako-Kun has had his Quirk a lot longer than you. I'm sure he was scared of it a little bit at first, too," Izuku chimed in softly, though he seemed a bit unsure of himself. Shouto knew that Izuku didn’t have any first hand experience with dealing with a Quirk at a young age, but they hadn’t discussed that fact with the kids yet. They were still only five and four, respectively, and they worried the pair would let the secret slip. They both knew that both kids tended to brag about who their dads were, after all.

Shouto hummed in agreement, carding a hand through her hair. “Papa’s right. Everyone's a little scared of their Quirk when they’re still learning about it. Why, I was afraid of my Quirk for a really long time,” he commented.

Momiji’s head snapped up lightning fast at that, looking at him like he’d just rocked the entire foundation of her world. “What? But you’re Daddy! A Hero! You’re not scared of nothing!” she squawked.

He laughed quietly, gently stroking her hair again to coax her to lie back down. “I wasn’t a Hero back then; I was little, like you. And even now, I might be a Hero, but there are still things I’m afraid of,” he mused.

“Like what?” she chirped, slowly settling back down, resting her chin on him and tilting her head so she could stare up at him.

“Well, I’m scared of something happening to you, or Papa, or Satoshi. I’m scared of not doing a good job as a Hero, or as a parent,” he admitted.

“And scorpions,” Izuku chimed in helpfully.

Shouto cast him a side glance before lightly pinched his belly in retaliation, causing the other to throw his face into a pillow with a muffled giggle. “Scorpions are icky!” Momiji agreed with a little shudder.

“Yes, they are,” he agreed, turning his attention back to her. “But back to the Quirk thing… I was very scared of my Quirk when I was around your age. I was always worried about hurting someone with it.”

“So what did you do?” she mumbled softly. “When you got scared?”

For a moment, he wasn’t sure what to tell her. He didn’t want to lie and pretend that he had parents that he could actively seek comfort from, but he also didn’t think that unpacking his childhood trauma on his daughter was responsible. His own childhood coping mechanisms also weren’t the best. But, he realized, there was something he could offer up. “Well, I would take a little break from using it,” It was a half truth at best, since he was pretty sure that ‘a little break’ didn’t extend to ‘nearly a decade of non-use’, but it was mostly true once he started actively using his fire. It had taken him time to get used to it and, sometimes, he’d struggle and get frustrated or scared. “I’d go do other things, like reading a book or studying notes, and just not really think about my Quirk until I felt ready.”

She hummed and nodded quietly, shifting to nuzzle closer to him again. “Mkay,” she said simply.

“Do you feel better, baby?” Izuku asked softly, resting his head against Shouto’s chest and getting himself comfortable.

“Mmhmm,” she hummed before opening her mouth wide in a yawn. She smacked her lips a bit and burrowed into Shouto, little hand curling in the fabric of his night shirt and her eyes sliding closed. “Can I sleep here?”

The pair of them exchanged amused looks. As if they were going to shoo the poor thing back to her room, especially when she was already so comfy and content. “Of course you can,” Shouto hummed, pressing another kiss to the top of her head.

“Love you, Daddy, Papa,” she yawned, eyes cracking open briefly as she flashed them a little smile before they fluttered closed again.

Shouto carefully curled his arm around her to keep her close while Izuku settled one of his hands on top of hers, thumb gently stroking the top. Once her breaths started to come in even, steady puffs, green eyes flashed upwards with affectionate exasperation. “This little girl, I swear. She just jumps from hysterical to dubious to exhausted like it’s nothing,” he chuckled.

“Well, she is our daughter. Emotional extremes are kind of our thing in this family,” he teased back, grin widening when Izuku whined and ducked his face into his shoulder. “And, I mean, I don’t blame her for being exhausted. Being scared can be very tiring.”

“Hmm,” Izuku agreed, turning his head to look at her again. She was completely peaceful now, little sleepy snores escaping her. “Do you think that part of it is because she doesn’t spend a whole lot of time with other kids her age? I mean, she has play dates with everyone elses kids when we can find the time, but the kids she sees the most often are bigger kids. Or perhaps it’s a matter of her Quirk being so different from the rest of the family and her friends? I mean, most of the other kids have more expansive Quirks that aren’t so directly tethered to their spatial awareness.”

“I’ll call Momo tomorrow and see what preschool program she and Kyoka are thinking about putting Shikako in. Perhaps being with a peer that she knows whose Quirk also has an element of unpredictability will help her feel comfortable. Or at least give her someone her own age that relates to help her feel better about it,” he commented. Shikako had been another of the rescued survivors from the same incident as Momiji, though she was a few months older. She had been living with a different family for the first six months after the incident, but then her Quirk presented. It turned out to be Projection; she could temporarily bring things she imagined to life. Because of how similar her Quirk seemed to work to Momo’s, she and Kyoka had immediately jumped to take her in when her first family admitted to not knowing how to manage her Quirk, happy to offer her a safe and loving home.

“You’re amazing,” Izuku said, leaning up to kiss him quickly before settling back down. Shouto smiled and relaxed into the bed, basking in the weight of his husband and daughter pressing down on him. There was going to be some phone calls to make in the morning and there was still work to be done, but he felt relieved to know their daughter wasn’t afraid to open up and seek comfort from them.

He held her a little tighter, though, just in case the lingering fears tried to disturb her again.

[mimzy-writing-online]

In my Creative Writing class, I wrote a scene where the protagonist is being dropped off at an orphanage. The orphanage I set up was ugly and dark, and the head mistress was a mean, horrible lady. One of my peers that reviewed it warned that this is a cliche. Is that true? I don't mind changing it, but the thing is my orphan boy will be adopted by a wonderful man and finally have a home he truly belongs to. How can I create a need to belong without being trite or cliche? Am I better off

anon continued: making the orphanage a good place? I want to build up to the fact this boy will finally find a loving family and home.

My answer: You should change your setting, but it’s very possible for you to maintain that it’s an unpleasant experience that sets a strong contrast for the eventual loving family.

I recommend switching the setting to a group home. Group homes function similarly to the way orphanages did in the past.

Group homes are facilities attached to child protective services that are designed to house a large number of children in the foster care system at one time.

To do that, there will be a staff of child caregivers to manage the children. The caregivers work in shifts, so there will be a day shift, evening shift, and night shift. Meaning they work 8-9 hours a shift (the extra hour might be related to catching up the next shift on any new developments, such as a new child arrival).

There might also be a care worker or two specific to managing that group home who works with each child’s case worker. They would have day shifts, a normal 9-5 type consistency. 

There will also be a manager for the group home who accounts for funding, financial decisions, staffing and schedules.

These facilities work with CPS and by extension the government. They get government funding and must meet state government established standards for quality of care, child-safety, and facility management/wellbeing.

Group homes usually stick to a specific demographic of children. Example: boys or girls group homes, only accepting children within specific age ranges (0-4, 5-8, 9-12, 13-18) or group homes that are specific to children with special needs. And they have a set capacity, a number of beds they can fill at max. Set capacity varies on state laws. According to the Children’s Bureau (a part of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, average capacity is 4-12 children (source) 

They are by far more humane than the media-presented image of an orphanage.

But that said, they can still be unpleasant.

For one, a group home isn’t a replacement for the love and care you get from an emotionally healthy family. The child is competing with several other children for attention and resources. Your character may develop an attachment to one or two of the caregivers, but the caregiver is not there all the time and their attention is stretched between multiple children.

There’s always a sense of temporariness. Children get placed with new families and new children take up the beds the same day. That’s not an exaggeration. The foster care system is overwhelmed by cases of children being removed from the home, so there is a high demand for foster families and group homes with open beds. As soon as there’s an opening, case workers are jumping to get one of their kids placed there.

It should be noted that CPS works hard to make sure that removing the child from the home is the last resort. To do this, they try to offer services to children in need, like helping parents apply for welfare if the issue is the child isn’t getting fed. Loving family, but parents who are struggling financially. Or helping connect families with finding therapy for special needs children. 

The other children aren’t in a happy situation either. They’ve come from abusive or neglectful homes or have lost their loving parents. They’re living with unknown traumas and high emotions that are difficult to process. It can lead to acting out: temper tantrums, anger, trying to hurt themselves, all of which are stressful for the caregivers trying to calm the child and the children watching from the side lines. It can lead to bullying, hoarding of food or toys.

And in the defense of children who act out this way, because villainizing the bully is a cliche as well, those children aren’t acting out of some evil desire to hurt. They’re just in pain and they don’t know how to express their emotions fully, which leads them to the form of expression they’re most familiar with: what their parents did, or what they did in the past that has worked before.

Those children are the protagonists of their own story in a sense, they don’t fully understand that everyone around them has emotions they’re dealing with inside, or how their actions make others feel. The younger they are, the harder it is to understand the feelings of others and the consequences of their actions.

Which is why bullies apologize years later, when they’re old enough to understand that what they did and said hurt someone else, another person with their own complex emotions and experiences, realizing that they became someone else’s nightmares when they were too young to understand.

So, so far (recapping for my ADHD self, because tangents are a thing I struggle with) 

Group homes can be painful experiences because: 1. Not enough love 2. Lack of stability 3. Other children acting out and being visibly distressed is a distressing thing to watch.

4. Group homes (and the foster care system in general) get a very limited amount of funding. I can’t speak for other countries and their social welfare programs, but America has a habit of cutting social welfare funding in favor of just about anything else.

So sometimes group homes have a few hidden, run down parts. Things that have fallen through the cracks because funding can’t take care of everything and they have to meet the bare minimum first.

Children are fed and clothed and the facility is clean, has running water, electricity and is heated. That’s the bare minimum. Smaller things slip through the cracks- like furniture is old and creaks and on the verge of breaking, there are rips in couch cushions, little holes dug in the wall or tiny graffiti hidden in corners and behind furniture where bored children tried to find something interesting to do. The bathroom pipe leaks so the floor is always wet. One of the bedrooms doesn’t get warm air, so there are extra blankets for that room.

They don’t make the place awful, it’s not the worst thing about living there, and for children who had hoarder or neglectful parents it’s a good deal better, but those are details that are pretty common.

5. Caregiver fatigue. Caregivers are wonderful people who put a lot of time and energy into caring for children, but it can wear down on their mental and emotional health. And they try their best to hide it, but children are sensitive to those things somehow, even if they don’t understand what it is they’re sensing.

It’s to be expected that you find a tired social worker who is late and harried from managing god-knows how many cases. Or caregivers who have a little less patience, but certainly aren’t cruel. There are so many sad cases they deal with every day and there’s never an end in sight, so they run the risk of caregiver fatigue or burn out.

They’re human, and they’re trying their best, but sometimes their job demands more than they have in that moment.

Also, it should be addressed that social workers are not paid enough, not anywhere near as much as they should be.

So it’s easy for a group home to be an unpleasant but not necessarily evil experience.

[laughing-with-god]

BNHA Crackhead Theory Part Two

I guess I must miss school or something because I suddenly got an urge to write an argumentative paper for no reason at all.  But, I would like to organize my thoughts and hopefully convince a few people that there is some smidgen of truth in my little crackhead theory so please give a read if you’re interested.

(I want to be a Psychologist one day so I’m mostly looking into the subconscious and emotional aspect of this theory.  Not a lot of actions will be used as evidence, I will raise more questions than answers because this theory is not one that can be proven or disproven.  In layman’s terms- it’s just something to think about.)

(I very recently watched all of the anime and I haven’t read the manga.  I don’t think it’s that big of a difference because I’m not trying to uncover something huge in the plotline, I’m focusing more on character development.) 

When I first watched My Hero Academia, I couldn’t help but be baffled at the infatuation Izuku Midoriya had for Katsuki Bakugo.  Why would he keep reaching out to the same boy who has bullied him and degraded his dreams? Midorya kept trailing after him even though everything about a childs’ development says that Midoriya should’ve avoided anyone and everything that didn’t make him feel comfortable, accepted and safe.

The easy and most accepted answer?  Deku is a good person who sees the best in everyone and simply admired Katsuki for his amazing quirk.

A Pysh student’s answer?

Midoriya unknowingly seeks out powerful yet emotionally unavailable men who will most likely hurt and/or leave him.  

Why?

I speak as a fatherless girl who suffered through her own fair share of Bakugo’s, and I say this with all of my chest; IZUKU HAS DADDY ISSUES.  

EVIDENCE (lmao if you can call it that)

-Izuku’s father had the quirk of breathing fire. 

This may not be an awfully useful quirk, unless you’re in constant need of a fire, but it was most likely a very flashy and cool thing to see in action.  Who else do we know has a flashy and obnoxious fire based quirk?  

Could it be that Katsuki was a subconscious reminder to Izuku of his absent father?  

It’s a long stretch but psychology tells us that we tend to crave the familiar when dealing with a neglectful presence in our childhood.  Example; someone who dealt with a verbally abusive mother might find themselves gravitating towards females who hold similar traits. Izuku probably doesn’t know much about his father as a person (personality wise) so it makes sense for him to subconsciously find himself attaching to his dad’s quirk (one of the few things he knew about him) and projecting it onto Katsuki when he developed his.  

-Age, Stature and Dominance

According to my research, which could totally be wrong, Katsuki is slightly older than Izuku.  Katsuki is also bigger than him and had an ‘alpha dog’ popularity during their childhood. Now, it’s totally normal for a dynamic to form amongst youth that will make some kids more popular than others.  But Izuku’s tendency to follow Katsuki is perhaps deeper than that. People with daddy issues tend to like older and more dominant men that fit the stigma of what a ‘man’ is. Ie; strong, self-assured and approved by everyone around them.  Even as a kid, Bakugo had nearly everyone eating out of the palm of his hand. So what’s the difference between the other boys who followed Katsuki and Deku?  

Well, Deku had nothing to gain from following Katsuki around.

He was always getting made fun of by him or being made to carry the things the other boys didn’t want to.  So while the other boys felt like they were in the ‘it’ crowd by being allowed to hang out with Katsuki, Izuku had no feeling of acceptance that usually is the driving force in peer groups.  So why did he follow him around so much?  

Acceptance.

Izuku projected his need for acceptance by an older and powerful male onto Katsuki and worked for it helplessly despite his wounded feelings.  This can also explain why Deku was quick to try to save Katsuki (when he fell into the pond thingy and with the sludge monster) because part of him was terrified of losing yet another strong male figure.  Although this is a weak piece of evidence given Deku tries to save everyone lololol.  

Side note- I don’t wanna see “Well katsuki isn’t that much older than Deku.”  because the truth is, a drastic age difference isn’t needed for the dynamic to take effect.  

-”But Chinkbihh, aren’t they too young in these examples for you to argue that it’s daddy issues?”  

Well my little grasshopper, to that I say bullshit.  The stigma of daddy issues is people immediately assume that it’s about romantic, taboo and even kinky relationships that fatherless little girls grow up into.  It’s more than that. Losing a parent is a very traumatic thing and can scar a kid for life. Symptoms show very early in kids because at that time of their lives, it was a very recent thing that happened to them.  Not to mention, when kids first attend school and have to hear about other kids’ dads it can open the wound and cause more symptoms to occur.  

-Symptoms of Daddy Issues

*Enabling narcissistic and sometimes abusive men in your life

*Clinging onto male figures you know aren’t good for you.

*Being attracted to men who hold similar attributes as the missing father 

*Constantly seeking validation that you are good enough for said male.  

-End Notes

This is more based off the early years of Katsuki and Deku.  Obviously when a positive male figure like All Might came to help Izuku then his need for validation shifted.  However, I saw so much of myself within Izuku always following Bakugo that I had to step back and think for a moment.  I don’t think it’s something that the author intended to happen, but I do see a trace of it so I thought it was worth mentioning.  Well....it’s still more believable than some of these traitor theories I’m seeing lmao. As I stated before, It’s a crackhead theory so you don’t have to blow up my inbox bc trust me I know this is trash

[cartoonfangirl1218]

Mood Swings

Thanks to @shasta627 who first gave me the idea from talking about KP and EoA character similarities, and where one of the quotes from KP’s Emotion Sickness pops up here. Also thanks to @lostbutterflyutau for inadvertently helping me with her post about who Carla inherited her physical traits from. So first time writing from Victor Delgado’s perspective, exciting. Also this is all pre-EoA Delgado relationship where I imagine that Ash had dark hair and eyes before becoming a malvago and obviously, their relationship is not that rocky as it is now. Also bits of foreshadowing, see if you can spot it. Enjoy what was originally a comedic, but now surprisingly fluffy story. 

Victor was a tiny bit scared to leave his house.

This was not an unusual occurrence, being a thief on the run led him to be wary of leaving his hiding space for various reasons. The outside world held the guards that were no doubt hunting him down, some enemies that he may have backstabbed in order to save his own hide, as well as the potential to bump into vicious wildlife in the chance he took refuge in the dense forests.

But his fear of leaving, even though he very much wanted to leave, was from a different source.

A source that had been scaring him for the past 8 months with her unpredictable mood swings.

His pregnant wife, Ash.

“Overreacting! Overreacting! How can you tell me that I’m overreacting!” Ash cried, flinging the splintered wooden pieces of what was formerly a priceless Maruvian god statuette to the ground to collapse on the closest chair available. Her brown eyes already watering with brimming tears.

Victor tried to amend the damage done so far. “It’s just, you never seemed to care about that statuette much before. Remember when we stole it in Paraíso. We were about to be caught by the police and you said we can throw away some minor things like that statuette.”

“I’ve grown attached to it, okay.” Ash sniffed, clearly trying to hold back the tears, “I’ve been staring at from the couch during siestas and it helps me fall asleep when the stupid baby is kicking too hard. This is so like you. You never think about how I feel. First you break the statuette like a clumsy oaf and now, you’re leaving me to go join your idiotic buddies to play poker because you can’t stand to be with me. Even though I’m the one doing all the work and carrying your child.”

Victor sighed and went to sit in front of Ash, gently grasping her hands he reminded her, “I’m not playing poker with my buddies. The Capoto gang are not my buddies. We teamed up with them while we’re staying here, and part of that includes me going away to go steal stuff. I’m stealing stuff. Like gold and even those old texts you like, the ones with all the evil spells remember. We like evil, right?”

Ash yanked her hands away from him and buried her face in her arms on the table, “You’re leaving me in my time of need. I’ll never forgive you for this. Ever!”

As tempted as Victor was to leave and go do the heist like he needed to do, he just couldn’t leave her crying like this. Especially if he didn’t know this was going to put her in an even worse mood when he returned. If there was something that he had learned about pregnant Ash in the past 7 months, it was that it was best to agree with whatever she said even if it was wrong and ridiculous and plain confusing.

“Ash, I’m sorry that I broke the statuette, and I’m sorry that you have been feeling that I’m neglecting you. I’ve been doing double the work so I feel entitled to be tired and forgetful but you’re pregnant so you’re even more tired than me… I guess what I’m saying is that I’ll try to think a little more about what you’re going through.” 

Ash lifted her head to look at him, frustratedly wiping away her tears, “It’s not that big of a deal, really. You’re right that I’m overreacting, it’s just that I hate this!”

Victor didn’t have to ask what “this” was. The pregnancy that was consuming every aspect of their lives.

Admittedly, Victor always wanted a family. Yes, his first love was money. With all the money in the world he could do whatever he wanted and people wouldn’t be so quick to put him down and disrespect him as they had when he was a kid. 

“Pay attention, Victor, it’s not like your trickery will get you anywhere in life. You need to be smart.”

“That’s a cute idea, Victor but I think we need someone who has more expertise. Not just a kid’s imagininings.”

“You don’t have a clue what you’re saying, Victor. But you’re just a teen, you don’t know about life.”

He still felt a surge of bitterness when he thought of the glory and fortune that would have come with being number 2 in Avalor if that witch Shuriki and Esteban had kept their part of the deal and hadn’t banished him.

But after that money he wanted a wife and children behind him. That was the ultimate status of happiness to him. Money and a family. It showed how he had it all.

So when it turned out Ash’s mysterious month long food poisoning was actually the signs of morning sickness, Victor was secretly thrilled. He may not have as much money as a king but he certainly could steal it from the king, and now he had a beautiful wife and a child on the way. It was like he made it.

Was Ash as happy as he about the news? No. Though Ash wasn’t entirely against children, she wouldn’t be too disappointed by never having one either. Her main priority in life was to get rich, powerful and to improve her fledgling magic power so she could achieve her goals. And until she became the malvaga she wanted to be, she didn’t plan on getting pregnant.

Until she did.

Everything changed. They had to find a more permanent dwelling since running as fugitives would have caused too much stress for the child. They had to start spending their small hoard on buying a proper crib and other necessities rather than just forging out in the wilderness, away from the long arm of the law. Everything they stole, a profit had to set aside for the future child. One good thing that came out of thinking of all things baby was that they got married. Victor knew it was a bit old-fashioned, but he still remembered his parent’s disparaging remarks about children out of wed-lock and thought it might be easier to blend in if they presented themselves as a legally married family rather than a trio of runaways.

Also, as Ash got bigger, Victor had to step up and deal with double the workload. Not that he minded, if that was what needed to be done for the sake of their child, he would get it done. It was Ash the one who had a problem with it. She wanted to keep her usual independence and join the heists, do her share, and plan strategy even though she was in no shape to do so and most recently, the mere smell of cigar smoke caused her to hurl on the spot. Ash hated to be out of control, and waiting for others to do work that she thought she could do better at. In fact that was one of the things Victor most admired in his wife, how she would do anything it takes to get what she wanted and no one could stand in her way. Now, half of Victor’s morning was devoted to arguing with her over what she was or was not capable of doing and it was draining for both.

“I used to be intimidating and powerful and now look at me. I’m tired of all this crying. I never cried when I was a child, and now that I’m having a child, it’s like I can’t stop. I don’t like it.” Ash ranted, a bit of her old fiery anger returning as she talked and ran her hands through her dark hair, 

“I don’t like it either.” Victor agreed, “I hate seeing you cry.” Ash’s anger faded instantaneously, and she pulled him into an awkward one-armed hug when the baby bump prevented them from hugging normally, “You hate seeing me cry? That’s so sweet. How did I ever get so lucky to have you?”

Victor couldn’t help but blush from the praise. Compliments were very rare coming from Ash, she was always so no nonsense and focused when it came to stealing, and sabotage and staying one step ahead of their many pursuers.. It was rarer still with all these mood swings that left her angry and weepy which could change on a dime. But still, even after all their fights and disagreements, he knew that they were solid enough to stay together. She was the only one who was as cunning enough as he to survive and thrive in this fugitive life and strong enough to do it beside him. He couldn’t imagine life without her.

Taking advantage of the moment, Victor massaged her shoulders, “If you want, I can make you some pan dulce when I get back.” Victor had heard that women’s taste buds tend to change when they get pregnant, and the things they liked tasted disgusting and they craved strange delicacies. Luckily for him, Ash’s pregnancy only seemed to make her crave for Victor’s food and he could always smooth over her bad moods with the promise of stew or dessert.

Unexpectedly, Ash’s mood soured again, “No. Stop giving me pan dulce. It will only make me more fat.”

Victor felt a coil of fear at that statement. It was never a good sign when Ash said that. He always made the mistake of hesitating or saying the wrong thing which usually led to a harsh interrogation about his “wandering eyes” and that he was lying when he said she wasn’t fat.

“You’re not fat, mi querida, you’re pregnant, and even so you’re still one of the most beautiful, stunningly sexy women I know. Sexier than anyone else in Paraiso.” Victor gushed. 

“Sexier than the queen?” Ash asked unbelievingly.

“You are always sexier than the queen, and any other women we come across. Always. I mean, remember that one night in Cordoba when we found those hot springs?”

Ash’s pout faded and her mouth curved into a sultry smirk, “Mmm go on.”

“Remember how we had been trying so hard to deny the attraction between us and kept taking separate baths. But that night, you called me to you. I swear the moonlight was made to highlight your gorgeous face. Ah, the water barely covered your chest. It was painful knowing that your marvelous body was underneath the water and yet I still couldn’t see it, or touch it.”

“But you did..” Ash sing-songed.

“Well I couldn’t stand there and just stare at you. I needed to get bathed too.” Victor retorted with mock indignance before smoothly segwaying to a new idea, “You were so hot that night. Perhaps...maybe after I make you the pan dulce, we can have fun with those rose-blossom potions that you’ve been magicking up, the ones for extra sensitivity? We can have bubbles in the tub and I’ll message you, my amazing malvaga queen? Wait till I have my lips on your skin and kiss your neck and go down lower and lower..”

“Oh, darling, don’t stop!” Ash purred before pulling him into an intoxicating kiss. For a brief moment, it was like he was back in the Córdoba springs. It was just heat, passion, her and him and no one else in the entire world that could stop them until he pressed up against her stomach.

The bump was a stark reminder of reality and what he was supposed to be doing. Stealing the Ramirez fortune with the Capote gang so he can get enough profit to buy whatever baby supplies they needed.

Victor pulled away breathlessly, trying to gather his thoughts into a coherent sentence that wouldn’t offend Ash into another statuette throwing mood.

“Ah ah ah. After the heist, and after the pan dulce. I’ll give you a night you won’t forget.” He winked taking special pleasure in Ash’s surprised face before turning to the door.

“Victor I need you.” Ash cried out just as Victor placed his hand on the doorknob.

Victor inhaled deeply to hide his exasperation in the delay. The Capotes really did not like to be held up waiting.

Victor turned and forced what he hoped to be an understanding smile, “And I’ll be here whenever you need me just not for the next five hours, okay? After this heist I’ll stay with you as long as you-” “No, you don’t understand you idiot. I need you because my water just broke.”

Victor felt the world go dim and into tunnel-vision. Victor wanted to argue the fact but he could see it was undeniable. A tell-tale wet stain spread from Ash’s grey dress to the floor and her eyes were wide with panic.

“I--but--I I- we. No no no. Not-how-now?” And the world went dark for a silent 40 seconds.

THUNK 

“Ow!” Victor clutched his head from the unexpected thunk of pain. He blurred looked around and saw what had hit him. A wooden eye from the former statuette.

“Did you just throw this at me?” Victor demanded. 

“I can’t bend over and shake you awake. I had to.” Ash snarled back, immediately reminding Victor of the situation at hand.

“How is this pos...but you aren’t due for another month!”

Despite the overwhelming fear Victor was feeling at the moment, he also felt a jolt of excitement. This was it. They were finally going to have their baby! 

“Yeah, well-” 

“We’re going to be parents!” Victor exclaimed, still feeling a bit lightheaded, he steadied himself by gripping Ash’s hands.

“Yes, we’ve established that we’re going to be parents for the past seven months. You need to take me to the midwife.”  Ash snapped.

“I-I I do? I mean I know I do. I- well. How? I thought you were going to give birth next month, I haven’t stolen a horse for us yet.” Victor stammered, panic beginning to fully settle in.

“The Capotes must have one. Take me to them.” Ash commanded, straining to push herself out of the chair.

Victor helped her out the door, moving as fast as they could in an agonizingly slow shovel-huffle combination punctuated by stops when Ash’s contractions overtook her.

It was a mile to get to the agreed hideout of the Capotes but for Victor, it felt like the location was 50 miles away and they were running out of time.

Victor saw the cave entrance and what a lucky break, several horses grazing contentedly in front of it. They wouldn’t even have to contend with the Capotoes, they could just steal it.

Victor let Ash lean against a nearby tree, and roughly dragged the horse to her, urging it to keep its frantic neighing down.

Just as Ash grabbed the reins, she sank to her knees, Arrgghh.” “Ay dios mio. Is something wrong? Is it happening now?” Victor helped her up as she clung to him like a drowning victim.

“No, no not now. But the contractions are getting closer,”  Ash panted, and shrieked again.

“What the hell is that screaming about?” A gruff voice barked from the cave rolling away its stone entrance to reveal a wizened old man and two young bodyguards.

“Delgado, what is the meaning of this? Why do you have your lady here?” Even though it was a fruitless tactic to get sympathy from these men, Victor frantically told the truth, “She’s in labor. We need to go to the midwife now.” “Listen to me. That horse is my property and I don’t intend to give it to any pregnant girlfriend of a disposable partner. Hand it over or I will slit your throat.”

“NO! You listen to me. Give us that horse or I will have Victor hold you down so I can give birth on you!” Ash glared, stunning the elder Capote into silence with that strange and graphic threat. 

Victor wasted no time, pulling out a saber that he always kept hidden in the interior of his jacket and nearly slashed the neck of a younger bodyguard, giving Ash to struggle onto the horse’s back.

The lead Capoto was backing away from the fight with a sly smirk as both of his men brought out their double-edged swords when Victor heard Ash yell out, “Leviosa!”

The two bodyguards levitated and hit the cave wall.

Victor gratefully smiled at her weary, sweat-stained face and ran to join her on the horse. He sat in the back, keeping her safely on the saddle as he handled the reins, urging their horse to go the needed 4 miles to town.

From then on, everything went by Victor in a rush. Bursting through the small shack where the midwives congregated with other couples and pregnant women, settling into a shabby room near the back of the house with a straw mattress and a basin of hot water, Ash gripping and cracking two fingers in his hands as the screaming, cursing, and crying enveloped all his senses.

“PUSH! PUSH! THAT’S NOT A PUSH, THAT’S AN EXHALE! COME ON, ONE MORE TIME! PUSH! YOU CAN DO IT!”

Then the world slowed and clicked into place as he saw his baby girl for the first time.

The midwife held her tiny body up long enough for them to see the downy mess of dark brown hair, and her small fists scrunched up, pumping the air as she made her first breath and her first cries.

Victor’s heart swelled and he went speechless. Nothing could describe the magnitude of what he was feeling.

He looked to Ash who always seemed to know what to do or say but she looked at him with the same stunned face that he felt.

“We made that. That’s our daughter.” Victor whispered, gulping back the tears that were welling up but he surrendered to their falling after Ash wordlessly smashed her face against his chest and sobbed.

They held onto each other, trying to pull themselves through the jumble of emotions and adrenaline that was rushing through them. Everything was different now.

The midwife returned with their daughter bundled up in a light purple blanket, “Here she is, all cleaned up. May I just say, you have a-”

“Give her to me. She’s mine.” Ash interrupted, impatiently holding her arms out.

Victor didn’t blame her, he wanted the midwife to leave so he could be alone with his wife and adorable little girl.

It was strange yet so right to think that. His little girl. Hours ago that was just a hypothetical. His little girl. He had tested out the thought a couple of times but it never fit. But this was real. It was so real and so very precious.

“She looks like you.” Victor cooed, cautiously touching the soft hair on their snoozing daughter that was the exact same shade as the woman cradling her. Victor felt an irrepressible smile crossed his mouth and thought he wouldn’t be able to contain, and honestly, he didn’t want to. He was a dad.  

“She has your...you’re right, she mainly looks like me.” Ash agreed, studying their daughter fondly.

They held their breath as the baby stirred, daringly opening her eyes into a squint. Victor swore he could see the color of violet of her irises which only made him more in awe of this tiny creature. Regal violet eyes.

“What do you want to name her?” Ash asked, not taking her eyes away from the small bundle.

Victor settled himself into a more comfortable sitting position, craning his neck over the crook of Ash’s shoulder so he could look, “What about Carla? It’s a regal name and-“

“Oh, oh,” Ash gasped when Carla suddenly waved her small hand before touching Ash’s nose and mouth. The effect completely melted her, and for the first time in Victor’s life, he heard Ash squeal, “She touched me!”

“Me next.” Victor held out a pinkie for the little girl to grab onto which she did handily, making a gurgling noise that sounded like a small crow of victory. Of his hand and his heart that was being claimed a little bit more by her every second.

“Aw, Carla.” Ash whispered under her breath, “Carla. That’s perfect for her. I love her so much.”

“Me too, I don’t know how that’s possible. I-“ Victor trailed off. He couldn’t describe it. He had a new goal now, he would upend the world and drain entire treasuries to keep Carla safe and happy. Everything he’d do, he would keep her in mind every second, every day. His heart felt full to bursting with a new, unending sort of love and warmth and he thanked the gods above for his new baby daughter.

“I have so much to teach you.” Ash pressed a kiss to Carla’s forehead as the baby began to drift off to sleep.

Victor watched Carla, studying her cute face as she dreamt and yawned before pressing his own kiss on the top of her forehead, “I hope I can keep you happy.”

Everything changed. 

[tinkadreamchaser]

Guess who... (South Park)

This is some astrology, but don’t leave yet! This one was really fun, so try to guess which South Park character this might be. I used their actual birthday and extrapolated a little on the birthyear. The birth year has to be between 1988 and 2011 if we look at the shows runtime, but then again, they had enough christmas specials to make the kids way too old to still be in elementary school. So yeah, I figured 2000 would be a good year (based on Chinese Zodiacs, they’re helpful for this kind of thing.)

Have fun guessing! There may be parts that don’t seem to fit, but the parts that fit fit extremely well I believe!

Rising Sign is in 08-20 Degrees Leo They love to be the center of attention and they want to appear strong, confident and dominant. They are very proud of themselves, sometimes quite vain even. When all around them are bedraggled and falling apart, they look like a million bucks! Very dignified and honorable, they enjoy the power and privilege, but not the responsibilities, that come with leadership. They are very idealistic but can also be quite stubborn. Others impress them only if they have integrity (but wealth, power and influence can also turn their head). They prefer rich, elegant surroundings and possessions, and will try to acquire them as their budget allows. Physically, they are very impressive - - at their best they have a regal, charismatic demeanor and bearing. Try not to be such a showoff! Sun is in 10 Degrees Cancer. Very emotional and sensitive, they have an intuitive understanding of the "vibes" around them. They tend to be quite generous, giving, loving and caring, but only when their own needs for emotional support, love and security have been met. If they are not met, they tend to withdraw into themselves and become very insecure and selfish. Their home and family (especially their mother or the person who played that role for them early on) represent security for them and thus assume a larger-than-life importance. Very sentimental, they have vivid and long- enduring memories of the past. No matter how well adjusted they are, they will always need a secret quiet place of their own in order to feel at peace. Feeding others can give them great pleasure they would enjoy being part of a large family. Moon is in 06-07 Degrees Cancer. For the most part, they are very strong and secure emotionally. They intuitively know what to do to make others feel comfortable, loved, accepted and needed. They naturally enjoy feeding and taking care of others. Be careful that their mothering does not turn into smothering. At times, they tend to feel that those to whom they are attached can never do anything without their assistance and support. Extremely sensitive by nature, it hurts them deeply whenever anyone criticizes they. They have an almost desperate need to be loved and wanted and needed by everyone with whom they come into contact, and they go out of their way to be accommodating to them. Mercury is in 17 Degrees Cancer. Their emotions tend to rule their thought processes. They have difficulty seeing life objectively. They have an excellent memory, especially about things to which they have formed an emotional bond. They prefer ideas and thoughts that are known and familiar, and therefore tend to dislike fads or radical ideas. The beliefs and traditions of their family and culture are very important to them. Their thinking becomes quite unclear when they are emotionally shaken -- they should not try to make major decisions when they are upset. Let things calm down first. Venus is in 15 Degrees Cancer. They like to be very close to other people. They need emotional support themselves and are willing to give it to others. When they feel unloved and insecure, they can be very jealous and possessive. They are not interested in casual or superficial relationships -- only deep emotional involvements interest them. Their faithful devotion is one of their greatest gifts, but be careful not to become too dependent on others. They need to learn to stand on their own two feet and demand their own rights once in a while. Mars is in 10 Degrees Cancer. Their moods are very important to their overall well-being. They are confident and self-assertive when they are feeling upbeat, and they are retiring, irritable and grumpy when they get depressed about anything. Very sensitive, they wear their heart on their sleeve. They are easily angered whenever they think someone has slighted them. It is best for them to show their anger immediately and let it all out, rather than to try to hold it in or to hold grudges for a long time. They're extremely loyal and defensive of their family, neighborhood, community and culture. Jupiter is in 00 Degrees Gemini. They have a logical, detached, objective view of most things. Their interests are wide-ranging and they are an avid student, with expertise in many different areas. They love to work things out in their mind -- everything they do is reduced to an exercise in logic and reason. They have the ability to grasp abstractions and to deal successfully with the larger issues of life. Their overemphasis on developing their powerful intellect can cause their emotional and intuitive abilities to atrophy unless they consciously choose to exercise them. Saturn is in 26 Degrees Taurus. Complete freedom of choice makes them ill at ease. They must have a firm, ordered, secure foundation in their life in order to feel comfortable. They do not adapt easily and tend to fear the new and untried. They constantly fear that they do not have enough (love, property, material things, etc.) and this makes them tend toward being selfish, withdrawn and stingy. If they try to surround themselves with supportive people in their environment, they will become more emotionally self-supporting. Uranus is in 20 Degrees Aquarius. They, and most of their peer group as well, are reformers at heart. They want to make positive changes that will benefit society as a whole. They are willing to devote their time and energy to see that they come about, especially if the proper group support and combined purpose of will can be found. Be careful that their devotion to group goals does not produce too much friction or neglect in their own interpersonal one-on-one relationships. Neptune is in 05 Degrees Aquarius. They, and their entire generation, will idealize and even venerate the ability to remain detached as well as the ability to objectively analyze any given situation. There will be a concerted effort on their part to cure the ills of society as a whole. But they should be very careful to continue to maintain and protect the rights of individuals in the midst of these potentially far-reaching changes. Pluto is in 10 Degrees Sagittarius. For their entire generation, society's cherished beliefs and totems will be radically changed. Many traditional concepts will be totally altered, if not completely destroyed. The rights of individuals to pursue their own course in life will be reasserted. N. Node is in 24 Degrees Cancer. They genuinely enjoy meeting other people, but they're at their best if they can do so from the comfort of their own home. They prefer others to come to them and tend to feel uncomfortable about leaving their home or neighborhood for any extended period of time. Those who do come in contact with them are struck by their caring and obliging nature -- they really make them feel at home. They form the closest ties, however, with members of their immediate family, especially their parents and children. They're at their best attending or organizing family reunions!

... Did anyone get that? The solution is below

This is the chart for a character that was canonically born on July 1st, near Denver, Colorado. The extrapolated year was 2000.

This is Cartman, guys.

There are several big ifs in that chart. Cancer is a great sign IF you get the stability at home, which he has not. So I figure he lost a lot of the possibility for all that nurture stuff, which is really sad.

Also, I’m not shitting on any Cancer’s, my mom is Cancer and I love her. I have Cancer as my Rising Sign too.

I’m thinking of making more of these...

[bustin-a-hazelnut]

So basically @neopoliitan‘s last post has made me feel very strongly about the Amaranth family (the kids especially), so I now need my own post to sort out all the new information.

Let me begin by saying, I used to believe based off this post, that the Amaranth family only boasts five children; today’s comic proved me wrong. I went on to get some clarifications, and well...

Two times more kids - two times more fun, am I right?..

Needless to say, I did some further searching, and this post basically turned into my personal masterlist of Amaranth children. Those are mostly personal opinions and/or speculations, but again, my feelings in regards to them are strong & plentiful. Without further ado, naturally, the list opens with our beloved girl:

1. Akane Amaranth, 19

The oldest of the brood & really needs no introduction from me. A well-deserved favorite of Rain’s fanbase, among other things working on gradually rescuing her sister’s from their toxic household. As of late, her character arc has been (much to my joy) associated with William Lincoln’s, whom I assume will play a part in this encounter. The type of person he is, I wouldn’t put it past him to voice some unsavory truths to the face of Akane’s parents, with unpredictable consequences. With her own emotions & experiences in the mix, as well as the actual purpose of the visit, Akane’s got quite some development ahead of her. Not great for her - but a treat for us as viewers.

Her name in Japanese means “deep red, dye from the rubia plant”.

2. Miyako Amaranth, 18

Having been neither introduced nor mentioned in the actual comic, still a personal favorite Amaranth of mine. She’s gotten a great characterization from another Rain’s fan ( @infinitree )  here, which was approved by Neopoliitan. I don’t loose hope for her to make an appearance & shine somewhere in the future posts.

Even though she may not be too relevant for the plot right now, I see great potential for an inner, personal character arc with her. The idea for her character, from what I can tell, is that she’s always coped with her parents’ harshness & constant demands by becoming more withdrawn, apathetic, to the point of neglecting her own needs. Having gone so far down that path has damaged her in more subtle ways, than outright abuse - she’s basically traded it for neglect, and internalized it to the point of not caring enough to defend her needs & individuality, & eventually sorta loosing herself. This is actually rather dark, when you think about it, but I do believe there’s hope for Miyako. Her connection to her sisters, especially Ayano, whom she’s got a deep bond with, is a sliver of her identity that hasn’t been taken from her. It can also become the reason for her to find herself again & start caring more. She is in a strange place right now, and not in a good way, but I have faith in her.

Her name in Japanese means “beautiful” & “night”.

3. Nanako Amaranth, 17

Much like Akane, needs no introduction, having been a part of the plot for quite a while. Just as her elder sisters, this girl has all of my love, especially for her friendship with Tobin, even though the “wicked poo” line did play a part as well (which I Refuse to treat as anything other, than a reference to TTGOT S2 AU & Alanna Snow). It would be hard to guess by her upbeat personality, that she had to withstand more of her mother’s abuse, than possibly any of her siblings. This encounter is going to be a challenge for her, but I believe, that over the course of her life outside home, she’s gained the means to hold her own. She’s part of a team, a valued & great friend, a warrior, a huntressd & living proof, that neither what you’ve suffered, nor the people who’ve hurt you define you. She is going to overcome this, I have no doubt.

Her name in Japanese means "vegetables or greens".

4. Kasumi Amaranth, 16

A bit of a mystery at our hands, this one. No appearance or mention in the comic, no wiki page & the search through @neopoliitan came up dry. Her mention at Akane’s wiki page is the only indication of this girl’s very existence. There is little more to do than wait for further information on her, but as far as theories go - I wonder if she could exhibit a less positive personality, than her siblings? So far, all the Amaranth children we know of, that got somewhat characterized have exhibited different traits, yet, despite their home situation, I would describe all of them as well-meaning gals, even with their share of quirks & struggles. It’s not unreasonable to assume, that at least one of them would be affected more severely by their toxic parents - and have it shape them into a somewhat troubled person.

Her name in Japanese means “mist”.

5. Akiko Amaranth, 15

Her arrogant demeanor & the status of her father’s protege could lead to mistaking Akiko as someone who’s “sided with the abuser” in their family (a parallel to Whitley Schnee, someone who copes with abuse by submitting to his father). Another characterization post, however, suggests that she is actually far more than meets the eye. There’s this duality in her - outward brightness, determination & desire for leadership, wich is exactly what her parents expected; & hidden intent to use her future position for good, refusal to reject her sisters, who’ve been cast aside by her mother. This kind of characterization is an honest to god breath of fresh air - ambition & confidence, that is treated as a positive thing, not a sign of corruption. By Neo’s own words, she’s like a “good Whitley”, which is a fantastic character concept. I’m looking forward for anything she could have up her sleeve.

Her name in Japanese means “bright, sparkle” & “autumn”.

6. Sakura Amaranth, 14

Another kid we know virtually nothing about - and so far there isn’t much to theorize from. Sakura’s placed near her mother & appears relaxed, suggesting she isn’t in Yukiko’s bad graces. My two main guesses of why could that be are - either she’s just naturally inclined to obey & accept her parents’ way of seeing things; or she’s learned how to bypass them in her own ways. I find the second guess to be more interesting - while she can’t run away like Akane & Nanako, but can’t be up to her parent’s standards the way Akiko is or detach herself like Miyako, she could’ve developed a great ability to lie & manipulate, perhaps even in malicious ways, like shifting the blame onto her sisters in case of a screw up. I know this is really far-fetched, and I’m honestly just having fun coming up with those ideas at this point. One more option is her being a fave of Yukiko for some personal reason & therefore spared from mistreatment. 

I also find it interesting, that other than Nanako, who is shown gradually dyeing her hair throughout the comic, Sakura is the only one not to share the natural Amaranth hair color so far. Who knows if it’s just a reference to her name’s meaning, or some symbolism, like her not sharing the family values deep inside, but not letting it show in her demeanor... Idek, I honestly meant for this to be shorter.

Her name in Japanese means “cherry blossom”.

7. Natsuki Amaranth, 12 

She displays a strong, blunt personality from her first seconds on screen & strikes me as kind of a tomboy. I can’t imagine Yukiko being tolerant of such demeanor - and I can easily see Natsuki fighting back relentlessly against her reign. She probably took Nanako’s place as a punching bag not long after the latter left, and now her relationship with Akane parallels the one latter had with Nan. By the way Natsuki immediately gets to the subject of leaving, it’s clear how much this life affects her. It probably greatly exacerbates her naturally blunt personality - she’s got no time for affection or chatter, getting away is priority number one. I’m not sure how much of it is Natsuki’s “normal” character & how much - emotional damage from her parents, but at this point, it is hard not to assume the worst.

Her name in Japanse can mean “vegetables or greens” & “moon” or “summer” & “hope”. Interestingly, the name is considered unisex, though more commonly used by women.

8. Ayano Amaranth, 9

Getting close to the end here, and moving on to the actually small children of the fam, Ayano is a welcome change as an example of an Amaranth daughter, who’s actually getting to be a kid more (again, according to a previously established characterization). I particularly love the idea of her & Miyako being mutually close - it’s hard to tell which one of them needs it more. It’s also good to know, that Miyako’s efforts to shelter her haven’t been in vain & she actually seems to be okay around her mother, despite having a personality, that would naturally grate on her. Then again, kids can be rather perceptive, so maybe Ayano instinctively holds back her more unruly side in Yukiko’s presence & reserves poking & prodding for her sisters. She may know something isn’t right deep inside, and adjust her behavior, so as not to become another target for her mother.

Her name in Japanese means “of color; from love”.

9. Hana Amaranth, 6

Another mentioned-only character, with no face attached yet; at the age of six, I’d be glad to know that she is kept away from the family’s shenanigans & simply enjoys being a kid. Not much to theorize from here - will have to wait & see if she’ll make an appearance, and what her place in the family hierarchy is going to be. 

Her very existence to me raises a question of why Yukiko would choose to have another child, when there is no need for a specifically male heir, as Akiko has been selected for that role. We get to know, that she has no actual love for her children - so what could drive her to have more? Family’s reputation, desire for more control, or perhaps Aka Amaranth comes into play at last? He’s been barely mentioned here due to my lack of knowledge about him, but judging by his appearance on the poster, he is about to play a big role in this arc. Gonna have to wait and see. 

Her name in Japanese means “flower”.

10. Baby Amaranth, ~1

A literal baby, basically raising the same questions as Hana did a paragraph ago. I’m going to spare this one from my dark theories & let her chill for now, observing the reunion from a safe distance. Being a 10th child is no piece of cake even in most benevolent of families, so let’s all just give her a break for now. She’s still got all the time in the world to grow up & eventually develop her personal brand of the Amaranth Badassery.