#not just to me as a young trans person but to absolutely everyone

[ech-e-sketch]

NIMONA ‼️‼️

[mephorash]

I'm ngl I'm pro self diagnosis but a lot of you just do not have DID!

[sybaritick]

Absolutely thrilled to have stumbled across your 1972 security council rp tag. Legitimately exciting to know someone is into such a thing! If it's not too strange / personal to ask, would you be able to elaborate on what that entails and what's appealing about that specific rp for you? I'm curious but I can't quite get my head around it

I love talking about this stuff, so thanks for asking! I'm aware it's very weird but I think the reasoning behind it is surprisingly normal (in terms of how kinks develop).

I've explained this to a few friends on Discord so I will use those screenshots to assist me in this presentation.

so the backdrop to all of this is that I love to play the bad guy. As a small child in play-pretend games I would want to be the villain. I liked to be "it" during tag. As long as it's within the confines of a game/everyone knows we're just playing, I just like to be scary :)

But with this particular kink, I'm pretty sure it comes from some particular affecting experiences I had as a young teenager. I wrote my first Hetalia fanfic when I was 12 and then was very involved in model UN starting at age ~14. (I was really competitive about it and ended up even getting to a national competition once in high school, lol).

as a pretty weird teenage girl (now trans man) lot of my first experiences having crushes, or having someone else have a crush on me, were at model UN events. It let me feel powerful (because I was good at it) and I realized that having others act like I was powerful and threatening (in this ultimately harmless LARP type situation) was really hot to me.

(many such stories...)

I loved playing the US diplomat when I got to because obviously you get to play evil puppetmaster world power so I would lean into that and have fun with it.

The period of history I connected to most in terms of US interventionism was the Nixon era, just because there were so many examples during that period of the US trying to control the rest of the world. I ended up reading some Kissinger biographies (Kissinger by Walter Isaacson and Nixon and Kissinger: Partners in Power by Robert Dallek) when I was 18-19 and it really just cemented my obsession with the incredible harm he was able to cause and just how much of an affect he had on US foreign policy.

I'm particularly interested in economic coercion/the IMF and World Bank as instruments of US hegemony. Actually...

but ofc it's not just the 1970s, I like fantastical modern scenarios too:

(removed my boyfriend's name, sure it's just a first name but do they really wanna be in this post)

so yeah! tl;dr: it's a power thing, I like it in a D/s way. I got some wires crossed in my brain and "I like when people act scared of me [sexual]" became associated with "I like when people act scared of me because they're aware of the rotten machine of US global hegemony that lurks behind my words [sexual apparently]"

[jrwi-transgender-swag]

-------------------------

FISH N CHIPS DIVORCE SHOWDOWN !!!

-------------------------

Chip

"gestures at him wildly look at him man " - Submitted For Transmasc Swag "Well he's a pirate and that's already very trans coded. He bases his personality and general vibe off people he looks up to which is giving gender envy. The only way Chip could ever be cis to me is if he was the token cishet but he's neither so like… Trans boyy (my words are failing me but you get it)" - Submitted For Transmasc Swag "literally the transest guy of all time (loser edition). tits out tuesday. man with tits monday. like. transgender moment real " - Submitted For Transmasc Swag "He was picked up by pirates at a young age pre-pueberty. He then spent most of his childhood in a gang. This kid was so malnourished everyone just assumed he was a guy and he went with it since his puberty was so fucked. My transmasc agender king" - Submitted For Transmasc Swag "fucking look at him. most transgender motherfucker to ever exist. we'll never know what his actual name was because he was named based on his first home, the black rose pirates ship. his tattoos go over his top surgery scars" - Submitted For Transmasc Swag "he’s just . he just kinda is yknow" - Submitted For Transmasc Swag

-------------------------

Gillion Tidestrider

"4 of the 5 JRWI fans I actually know fall under the transgender umbrella and all of them are absolutely in love with Gillion so here’s got to have something going on there" - Submitted For Transmasc Swag "dude hes a fucking fish what else do you want from me. he has it all. the religious trauma. the swagger. the autism. he even has a cool fucking sword. his entire backstory is him being forced into a role against his will and only when he finds others does he get to fully embrace himself come the fuck ON" - Submitted For All Swag "he literally has gilded top surgery scars (saturn art that proves this even if it’s noncanon) that kind of trans swag cannot be ignored!! fucking!! golden scars!!! that shit kicks so much ass are you kidding!!! the koolest fish trans boy ever my goal in life truly" - Submitted For Transmasc Swag "same sorta thing as jay, he has this whole arc of changing from trying to live up to expectations to just being what he wants and thinks is good (very trans of him). also he's a fish guy and probably has no understanding of gender, at least in oversea terms. and he canonically referred to himself with it/its pronouns one time which. yes. i think his titles are like pronouns to him, like in the undersea you refer to yourself by describing yourself and your achievements (pretty sure that's actually a triton thing in actual dnd who knows). he is the chosen one and the chosen one was referred to with they/them pronouns for a reason (definitely because the chosen one is genderqueer and not just to be inclusive mhm you can trust me i have no biases, the goddesses told me themselves)" - Submitted For Nonbinary Swag "gives birthout of his pussy?"  - Submitted For Transmasc Swag "he is like sooo xenogenderr. that fish is just transgender im so sorry. too swagful not to be." - Submitted For Secret Fourth Swag

-------------------------

[olderthannetfic]

https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/730572795212398592/what-is-up-with-all-the-trans-men-on-this-hellsite?source=share

As a trans man, I might have some insight into this one. I'm a lot older than the standard uwu sparkle anti, but I was in my mid twenties for the first wave of weirdness about trans boys on Tumblr about a decade ago, so I was just too old for it then, and I saw a lot of guys my age and a little younger get swept up in it.

OTNF rightly points out that young trans men are a particularily vulnerable demographic. This is part of it, but we're also a demographic that doesn't sit comfortably with our identites (gender identities or otherwise) and are told by everyone (on every side) that we are Doing It Wrong, that our existence harms others, and that we must be this specific way to be good people.

I'm sure you've seen the "trans men are better than real cis men" rhetoric. It's meant to be inclusive and to reassure us that we're not bad people just because of our gender, but it also denies us our entire gender identity.

So basically, you've got a bunch of young guys, most of whom were socialised like girls and learned to never be too assertive, many of whom are straight up suffering from dysphoria and stress, being told by people both within and outside of their communities that the are Wrong and Bad and Harmful just for existing. It makes sense that a lot of them would would find a movement based on moral posturing that will accept them if they perform correctly and will use their real name and pronouns. That's what Antis are; they say "use this vocabulary, send hate mail to that person, put these terms in your DNI, don't be caught reading that story", and, unlike other groups that police people's tastes and performance that hard, they're not overtly hostile to trans identities. So you can spout the right rhetoric, use the right tumblr icon, and they will actually accept you (on the surface, for a time, but we're talking about young and desperate people who aren't looking at the long game).

Helping them harass those badwrong horrible NOTP shippers or aces or middle aged women or some random artist who got caught drawing the wrong age gap or whoever is the fashionable target will prove that you aren't a horrible monster for being a man, you're moral and upright and correct.

And yes a lot of it is internalised misandry (that word has a lot of dumb baggage, but how else can I describe a boy who hates himself for being a boy?), or self-loathing born of dysphoria and just plain having to live in a world that's hostile to trans people.

Being an anti is a way out. It's a way to manufacture acceptence. And they're too young and too hurt to realise that that acceptance is as temporary and hostile as the people who accept them only if they pretend to be girls; the antis will turn on them the moment they start acting a little too manly or if they're caught liking the wrong ship.

(I've seen something similar happen to young cis queer guys and trans girls, too, but it isn't as pronounced since being raised as a boy means you probably already learned that standing up for yourself is ok sometimes)

--

I'm sure it also doesn't help that tumblr is absolutely full of BL/slash fandom. There's certainly plenty of gender diversity in these spaces, but it's inescapable that the majority of participants are women. So for a young, insecure guy trying to assert that he is a guy, it's easy to fall prey to "Waaaah, I need to reclaim my hobby for me!" gatekeepy nonsense.

Sure, it's going to be turned on nbs even harder than on cis women and will be used to misgender other trans men in the end and misogyny isn't cool anyway, but that's not what your average traumatized young fool is thinking when they first join up. They're thinking "I hurt."

TBH, though, probably the largest component is that all of us—all of us—have a mental image of a default human for a given context. It's rarely a trans man. And so anything a trans man does stands out and is A Thing Trans Men Do.

This is true even if you are trans. It is true even if you are not a transphobic dickhead. Unlearning the 'why girls are bad at math' xkcd strip is extraordinarily hard because recognizing patterns and having mental defaults is just how human brains work.

There are shittons of cis women who become antis, but they're just not notable in the same way.

Are trans men more vulnerable to becoming antis? It's possible, and the reasons you outlined above are likely why. I think it's an interesting question to discuss if we are specifically discussing why the trans men who do become antis do so.

But we don't actually have any hard facts to support that they are more prone to it than anybody else. My guess would be that vulnerable people are more likely to become antis, so any cis woman with a strong source of vulnerability like a shittastic home life is similarly vulnerable to a young trans man with no support network, but who knows.

Maybe only 5% of trans men on tumblr are antis and 50% of cis women. Maybe it's 90% of trans men and 20% of cis women. Maybe it's 1% and 1% and they're just all very loud.

We have no data. We just don't know.

And we will never be able to trust our own brains on this until trans vs. cis is such a nonissue that we don't even notice it.

[red-hibiscus]

BL characters I relate to most as a mentally ill gay trans man

Daisy from SCOY

Surprising no one, I, a trans person, relate to Daisy. They're outgoing and seemingly don't care about how people view them. They know they're visibly queer and they normally don't mind it (from what I see). But at the end of the day, society does affect them. They're hesitant to believe Touch genuinely cares and is attracted to them despite Touch being an absolute green flag who is very direct with his flirting. Even after, Daisy was worried about people would view their relationship with Touch and tried to become Day, a more masculine version of themself. Impossible of course and they broke down emotionally exhausted. I feel that so much because I also don't believe it when people, especially cis gay men, are attracted to me. I've caught myself trying to change my behavior to be more masculine (as I'm a bit on the nonbinary side of things). It's bad, but I know how Daisy feels.

Wang from 180 Degree Longtitude Passes Through Us

As a 26 year old trans gay immigrant in a country that doesn't want me, I have a shit ton of pent up anger that has been building up since I was a child. I've calmed down over the years, but I can still be stubborn and argumentative when it comes to politics and human rights. I'm also a linguistics major, thus an academic.

Wang is so much like myself and like a lot of people around me. Like me and Wang would be close friends irl I know it. We're young and stubborn. We're angry at the older conservative people around us, too much sometimes. So he lashes out. Many of his points are correct, but they're not hitting. Partially because the people he's talking to don't want to change, partially because he himself is stubborn. People like us yearn to be free, to be ourselves and to learn. Wang has a passion for the humanities like myself. Yet he knows society really only cares about STEM fields. I've compromised and am getting a master's in computational linguistics. Even though really I just wanna learn as much as I can about sociolinguistics.

Karl from Gaya Sa Pelikula

I haven't watched GSP in a hot minute, but I do remember feeling very seen.

So in the show Karl has his gay awakening, tries to internally and externally deny it, and eventually let himself be free to feel everything and be himself (at least in private).

Now I didn't have a gay awakening, but I guess you could say a trans awakening. In middle school I felt different, I suspected maybe some flavor of LGBT, but wasn't sure and I was too afraid to think about it too hard. Come high school I secretly wanted to join the LGBT club, but was afraid. Then I was essentially adopted into the LGBT club and dragged into the friend group during lunch because I was a loner like everyone else. At the time still "identified" as a cishet woman. As time went on people started to suspect. "Why are you in the club?", "why did you cut your hair", "why do you dress like that?", "your voice is low for a girl haha", etc. Much like Karl, I was not ready for any of that. I was still struggling to make sense of it all and come to terms with it myself. So I kept rejecting it and every time it hurt.

I kept rejecting it until I couldn't. Until someone I resonated with so much came out as trans and it clicked. My trans awakening was complete. I became able to be more myself, but only in private safe spaces. I wouldn't come out and live as a man until after high school and it was terrifying.

Adachi from Cherry Magic

I've only watched the jpn ver, but I'm sure that character remains the same.

I'm anxious and used to be quite shy. Now I'm just awkward. I'm really bad at seeing the good in myself cause I feel like I'm wandering around aimlessly in life. Not that impressive. So when people compliment me I think "haha they're just being nice" (refer back to me never believing people are actually attracted to me).

Adachi is the exact same. He has the same routine every day. Just going through the motions and not really thinking anything of himself. But then Kurosawa comes along and the ability to read minds. Adachi then realizes "wait, someone I respect so much actually loves me? And thinks I have a lot of good qualities? Makes me wanna cry." And me too Adachi. I'd be the same.

Jared from 7 Days Before Valentine

Jared, my precious baby, is described throughout the show as kind, but weird and different. We later learn that he has dyslexia, and honestly he seems to be somewhere on the autism spectrum. Even if he isn't, he has a behavioral difference people pick up on and then shun him for it.

I too was seen as kinda weird growing up. Maybe it was the autism, maybe it was the social anxiety. Probably both. And then of course there was the gnawing feeling that I was different than everyone else and it turns out it's because I'm trans.

So when Jared said that people didn't talk to him because he wasn't like other people it hit me so hard.

Myungha from Love For Love's Sake

The whole show is sad yet cathartic for me. Myungha is depressed yet spends his time comforting others. He has a hard time loving and receiving love. If you give him a fictional character who is very similar to him he will love them and see all the good, but he doesn't see it in himself. Relatable as hell.

I have an incredibly hard time being honest with my emotions and letting people love me and express attraction. Mostly in a romantic/sexual context. Dpdr is cockblocking me. So dating is hell, but I'm lonely and yearn to not be.

Probably if you put me in a situation like Myungha I'd also go "yep, that right there is my blorbo" and then not realize that all the things I like about the person and make me care about them are things I have.

Honorable mentions:

Both Akk and Ayan from The Eclipse

Nozue from Old Fashion Cupcake

Oh-Aew from I Told Sunset About You

Cher from A Boss and a Babe (I headcannon him as autistic)

Amber from DNA Says Love You

Uea from Bed Friend

Mitsuomi from Restart After Come Back Home

Jao from SCOY

Maybe I'll make another post for those later

[itsjaywalkers]

Hello!hope ur having a good day :) <33

I was wondering if u wanted to share some trans reg hc, could be overall or like the boxing au one, or anything rly.

Like who was the first person he came out to, how/when did he realise, how does he deal with dysphoria- what gives him dysphoria/euphoria, and maybe how would it translate into like relationship and sexlife, would he be able to go ahead without any/much dysphoria, or would he have to have sex a ‘specific way(?? Idk??)’ to make it work?

A lot of question I know, and u don’t have to answer if it makes u uncomfortable or anything, I just wanted to hear more about your headcanons about this.

//a trans guy who is obsessed with trans reg, and ur writing

hi darling!! i have today off so i am . in fact . having a great day <3 i hope yours is treating u kindly too!!

and ofc i want to!! i'm gonna do it boxer au based, since reg's trans experience isn't the same in every story!! and don't worry, i'm happy to answer ur questions!! it doesn't make me uncomfy in the slightest, trans reg is very special to me too for many reasons and i loveeee talking about him <3

the first person he came out to was sirius!! this is my Truth almost always no matter the fic. it changes sometimes, if he takes longer to realise and he and sirius have a complicated relationship but !! in the boxer au they get along great and they're very close, so reg told sirius first!!

sirius already had his suspicions tho, and they had a lot of long deep convos about gender. he helped reg figure himself out and supported him every step of the way

in the boxer au, he realised quite young!! he was never completely comfortable in his own body, but since he was a very awkward and . odd . kid everyone attributed it to reg just not being 'normal' in general. when puberty hit it got worse tho, and even tho everyone told him it'd pass and that puberty wasn't supposed to feel good or fun, reg knew there was something else

sirius also noticed there was something going on with his brother, so he tried to help him in every way he could. he lent him his clothes whenever reg asked (even tho it was always kind of begrudgingly), convinced their parents to allow him to wear his hair short, bought him oversized clothes and called him by his nickname and never his actual name

but i think the moment it actually hit reg was when he got mistaken by a boy one time he got out of school and went to his father's office to wait for him. the receptionist assumed he was sirius, and it finally clicked for him

he didn't tell sirius immediately tho. he researched a lot first, almost obsessively, and he doubted himself all of the time, having these moments in which . he was afraid he was actually somehow making it all up in his mind

reg was very scared of change, and this was a very big One. he knew sirius would support him no matter what, but there's always fear yk?? and there was also the matter of his parents. he was absolutely terrified

but he ended up blurting it out one night he and sirius stayed up late in secret. sirius talked to him about this one boy he was crushing into, and came out to him. and reg came out to him in return!! there were a lot of hugs and a lot of tears (they pretended this never happened the next morning)

sirius was a man on a mission after this. he helped him browse names and started using the correct pronouns, always getting so incredibly upset when he slipped at the beginning. reg found it very endearing, and assured him it was fine bc it was understandably gonna take them both some time

reg didn't have many close friends back then, so he didn't really come out to anyone in school, and he graduated with only sirius knowing the truth

those years were hard ngl, and reg struggled A Lot, but having sirius on his side made the whole thing . slightly more bearable . sometimes not even that was enough but reg appreciated it immensely

how he deals with dysphoria has changed over time!! he relied a lot on the internet when he was younger, and on his brother too, but there was only so much sirius could do apart from offering a willing ear and being comforting, considering he couldn't really understand what reg was going through. it absolutely broke sirius' heart, to see him have breakdown after breakdown, losing his appetite or refusing to leave his room for days

back then reg experienced dysphoria constantly. he wasn't comfortable in his own body and he had a hard time looking at himself in the mirror, or even listening to himself talk

some days he could kind of deal with it, remain functional despite it all. he did his best to keep himself distracted so he wouldn't think too much about the whole thing

but other days getting up from bed was Hard

now tho !! it doesn't happen That often, he's the man he was always meant to be !! he's on T and got top surgery and legally changed his name and gender so he's kind of thriving

he still has his moments tho bc this is something he's gonna have to deal with for the rest of his life so when it happens he goes to the twins!! they're both trans in this story so they Understand what he's going through and they support each other Always

they exchange advice and comfort each other when it gets especially Hard and . idk it's all very lovely, they're each other's ppl yk??

again, back then a lot of stuff gave him dysphoria, but nowadays it's more specific?? little things that usually don't upset him that badly but that sometimes pile up and end up giving him actually bad dysphoria??

like . he's a well-known sports journalist, he isn't really a celebrity or anything but ppl do talk about him sometimes, especially bc of sirius (and then bc of james) and they tend to mention his looks or how similar or different he looks to his brother

and sometimes they use more . feminine adjectives or straight up say he's kinda feminine or even comment on him being trans since it's public knowledge and reg has spoken on it more than once and . it's stuff that doesn't affect him that badly but it still annoys him

it's the same when ppl highlight how passing he looks, how u can't even tell he's trans, etc

there's also the ppl that are purposefully transphobic or misgender him which . does actually make him quite dysphoric, even tho he's mostly very comfortable with his identity + his looks now

he also has a bit of a complicated relationship with . stuff that it's considered 'feminine'

like clothes don't have any gender, same with makeup, and reg wouldn't mind wearing a skirt even tho it's not his style and he does wear some makeup semi-regularly for tv interviews etc etc but . sometimes he feels slightly uncomfy on it, like he gets bad memories or becomes paranoid about how he looks in it, if the clothes make his body seem too . curvy .

as i've said, he's very confident nowadays but he still has his moments!!

when it comes to gender euphoria, it's all about the little things!! people calling him handsome, seeing how hairy his body is now, the fact that he can take his shirt off now when he goes to the beach etc

when it comes to relationships and his sex life he has reached a point in which he can usually go ahead without getting dysphoria but . it depends on his partner really

some ppl can be transphobic without meaning to or simply bc of a lack of knowledge which is fine by him u know he totally gets it, it's a matter of being willing to learn and to listen to him

like . he's used to guys assuming he only bottoms or not even ask if he's comfortable using his front hole u know

or using afab terms to refer to his genitals without making sure first reg is okay with that

which brings me to my next point !! in oby, reg himself uses afab terms and he's fine with james using them too, they've had a convo about it and everything

but it's different for reg in the boxer au!! he does use afab terms for himself, he doesn't mind at this point and it doesn't give him any dysphoria however . when it comes to his sexual partners . he prefers them using words like a cock or hole or more neutral names . it gives him gender euphoria!! and the other stuff makes him kinda uncomfy. it's fine when he's the one saying it or thinking it but hearing it out loud coming from . other people, especially people who are just there bc they're attracted to him and want to fuck him is . Not Great

he also isn't always fine with using his front hole during sex, it depends on his mood and how much he trusts the person he's gonna be sleeping with. besides, he quite likes anal too so !!

this whole thing is another reason why . reg doesn't want to sleep with james bc he feels like he's gonna be a bit of an asshole about it or be another guy who doesn't even bother asking about his preferences or what he's comfy with

which isn't the case at all!! james has been with trans ppl before, and even if he hadn't, he's very considerate with his partners!! and as he should tbh. him being arrogant or knowing he's great in bed doesn't mean he's selfish

[sunnywalnut]

I fully believe that the only thing that stopped me from identifying as trans when I was younger was the fact of my autistic black and white thinking.

Well yeah. That guy is trans. And I think he's super cool. But I couldn't be trans despite the fact that I feel more like myself with him because he embodies everything I wish I could be but stop myself from being.

Oh no I absolutely could not be transgender at all! I didn't know I was a dude since I was three like all these other people who were taught the concept of gender and the fact that gay people exist from a young age and I only learned lesbians existed after I was ten years old.

Of course that person is transgender. The whole reason I changed the name on the sticky note set on their desk was because they're my friend and I'm an ally. Totally not because I want somebody to do the same for me.

Nah bro. I don't think my obsession with gender neutral names and wanting to change my name to Alex because it was the only gn name I knew at the time had any transgender reasons for it. I'm just super attached to the idea of accidentally being mistaken for a boy. Even if it's just by name.

The reason I specifically searched for books with male protagonists my age when I was younger was totally because of super straight reasons and not because I identified with them more than any of the female leads, despite being extremely similar to a lot of them.

Oh totally I'm not jealous of my brother who's only one year older than me, therefore I get to see him embody all these manly traits like getting a cool low voice and be taught things that I wish I could learn but I wasn't explicitly invited so I stay where I was.

What do you mean it's not normal to treasure the blue Finding Nemo basketball cap that I sneered at on Christmas Day for "looking too boyish" and wearing it inside the house while I crawled up on my grandfather's lap so he could read to me.

Of course my best friend of over seven years is my sister! Despite the fact that I feel completely uncomfortable when she claims that I am hers. Not because we're not family. Because something is wrong with the word "sister" and I can't tell what.

I mean shit. The only reason I realized that I could've been queer was bc somebody told me that if I(a "straight girl") liked a trans guy, then I would be pansexual.

Untrue, obviously, since trans guys are still guys, and my little 13yo brain thought the same way, but the fact that somebody said it so casually just opened the floodgates of "what ifs" for me.

And you know what?

The year after that, I came out publicly as bi. Then ace. Then two years after that gender fluid. Then in the same year, transmasc. Then lesbian a couple months later. Then transmasc but not lesbian after a couple weeks because my partner was also genderfluid. And now? Transmasc/trans man and bi, specifically for the girls and gnc folks.

Had that person not told me I was pansexual, I'm pretty sure I would've just gone around being indifferent to my romantic partners thinking that friendship was the romance all along this entire time.

Six entire years. And I was autistic the whole time.

It was always about being a good person for the "other" people who needed me until I realized I could be the other people as well.

The whole reason I didn't "show signs" of being transgender during my childhood?

Same reason I didn't show signs of being autistic.

I was mirroring people. I was mirroring what I thought was needed of me. Ignoring my interests or things I was curious about. Because I knew what was expected of me. That part of it was explained thoroughly, at the very least. The gender part of it all. And by God, I was going to do a good job at it.

And yeah. I was happy when I found dresses that were pretty.

Not because I was the one wearing them.

But because it meant that my mom thought I was doing such a good job at Gender that I deserved a skirt. In order to show it off to everyone.

Same reason I allowed my hair to be done. Little jewels to be twisted into my long locks that I grew myself and refused to cut. Because this was what I was good at. Everyone, even if they didn't like me, they liked my long, feminine hair. They liked my frilly, feminine dresses. And my shiny, feminine jewelry.

And well... I liked being liked. I liked being admired.

Because nobody noticed me any other way.

Unless it was for my art.

I was good at art.

I'm still good at art.

My "feminine" art.

I no longer get joy from long hair and frilly dresses and shiny jewelry.

But I still get joy from art.

Even if it isn't feminine.

Even if it isn't shown to anyone.

Because it is mine.

It is me.

It is the one thing that I grew up seeing that everyone could do. Regardless of skill. Everyone was thrown in a class together. Everyone crowded around the girl who drew anime in class. Everyone knew of the famous men like Van Gogh. Everyone was able to do art. Everyone was able to be creative. To get messy. To work with their hands.

And everyone meant that there was space for me, too.

There were finally shades of gray.

And I clutch them dearly to my heart, right next to the rainbows of devotion I painted on the inside walls of my ribcage.

Each palette I've created is a labor of love, used to picture the world in each wonderful shade of admiration.

And that is still the one thing that I have found that try as they might, they cannot sort into sexes.

So I keep my shades of gray. I keep my rainbows and my flags. And I paint them with all the colors I like. Because art showed me a way to be free. And I refuse to live my life in a cage. Regardless of who's hands made it.

I just know that it won't be mine.

[rederiswrites]

I know I'm a day late and a dollar short, but I guess I haven't been Visibly Genderqueer in a while. So sure. I can talk about my trans-adjacent experience.

That's the thing, though. I am not. Visibly genderqueer, that is. If you're a traditionalist, you'd definitely notice that I utterly and completely fail to perform femininity--but then, you also might not. People tend to be very focused on specific features and assume gender and stick with that. My neighbor used to get grumpy because even though she routinely dressed her sons in camo and sports gear, they both had long, beautiful hair, and were both id'd by strangers as girls very regularly. Me, I have big breasts and wide hips, thick thighs, a cute, upturned nose, a fairly conventionally attractive face, and I top out at 5 foot 3 (160cm). I know perfectly well what basically anyone around here sees when they look at me.

They see a woman, married to a man (a very Manly man, at that, both in appearance and habits), with two children. I know that. Even though I am out to anyone who's been around long enough to hear me mention it, I haven't asked for a pronoun change. For me, it's just too much bother. It'd be different if my nonbinary experience were different, but I'm agender. I just don't have a connection of any sort with gender. It's just a sort of void space, a blank incomprehension, though I can observe that This Thing matters a great deal to nearly everyone else.

Well, there's a reflexive avoidance. Long before I had heard words like genderqueer or agender or even trans (when I was young, these words were limited to the queer community for the most part, and certainly not used where I lived), I had a reflexive avoidance of all things feminine. It wasn't a thought. I just knew that I absolutely did not want to wear lace, or pink, or ruffles--yes, we still wore ruffles in the 80's. My freshman year high school picture appears to be a fresh-faced ten year old boy, with short hair, a red and white striped turtleneck, and brown corduroy overalls. But I didn't have thoughts for that, only a feeling.

I envy younger people their confidence that people can and should and will treat them according to their personal relationship with gender. Maybe at 42 I am too old to learn that optimism, even though things are changing so much. I think about going by they/them, and it sounds like teaching multiple overlapping communities how to handle the idea of an agender person. Exhausting. Even though there are trans people in some of my in-person communities, and those communities are making honest efforts to welcome that, a person who just doesn't have any attachment to gender at all feels like going even further back to the beginning, undoing even more of their basic beliefs about the world. Ah, yes, you've begun to accept that sometimes the categories of "man" and "woman" can flip around. Now, how would you like to just reject the entire notion that people necessarily have gender? How would you like to just trash-bin one of the defining elements of Self?

And all this effort, over a concept I don't understand at all. It just doesn't feel worth it.

I am me. My name is Red. I look like this, and I like how I look. It comes with assumptions. Many of those assumptions are wrong. Some of them chafe. But I do not have the time or energy to individually disabuse people of every wrong assumption. I'll just live the way I live, and if that shatters a few assumptions along the way, all the better. And honestly, if you're calling me she or her, I'm probably not there to be bothered by it anyway.

[the-gay-disney-games]

Round 1B: The Lion King 1 1/2 (2004) vs. Mulan (1998)

Propaganda:

The Lion King 1 1/2:

“This movie is about Timon and Pumbaa raising a child together”

“Just 2 dudes raising their son and dealing with commitment issues. The movie heavily leans into the bit that Timon and Pumba are like a couple. Timon is voiced by gay icon Nathan Lane. This movie was my childhood.”

Other propaganda for the original movie with the same idea:

“Simba was literally raised by a gay couple (Timon and Pumba…Timon even literally wears drag in the movie)”

“Timon and Puumba are a queer couple that raised simba into adulthood. Scar is a mean gay. Nuff said”

“Timone and Pumbaa are Simba's gay adoptive dads.”

Mulan:

“Trans awakening for so many of us”

“Well Mulan gives off very non-binary vibes”

“Literally listen to the music also Li Shang”

“just what your intro post said - Milan being trans (or gnc) coded and Li Shang being bi coded. like come on do i even need to explain? I’ll just add that I was listening to “Reflection” on repeat cuz the lines “Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?…When will my reflection show who I am inside?” we’re stuck in my head. So with that song on loop I decided to finally chop my hair short in true Milan fashion (ok that’s a lie, I didn’t do it myself, but the PRINCIPLE) so not only is Milan trans/gnc coded but I can’t be the only one the movie inspired to finally go for The Haircut or something else related. sry that’s very rambly”

“gnc. bisexual. what more could u want.”

“Both trans and gay coded. Shang was so into Ping that he couldn’t stand to execute him for his “crime”. Also includes drag saving the day!”

“This is less a competition for the queerest movie and more a competition for the second queerest movie. Just *look* at every aspect of Mulan and tell me it’s even a contest.”

“Not only is mulan super trans coded but Shang is definitly bi”

“I know it's the obvious pick, but Mulan is so gender and Shang is so bi. 💯💯💯”

“Mulan is very trans coded. Li Shang is totally bi. Dude absolutely had a thing for “Ping” before learning he was actually a woman (Mulan). Also watching that movie as a young egg made me feel less alone about the fact that I didn’t fit into the “girl” role everyone around me pushed me into. Mulan was kind of my hero and sometimes listening to Reflection makes me tear up a little bit because it’s such a mood but also such a TRANS mood. It’s probably my favorite Disney movie song. “Why is my reflection someone I don’t know” made me THINK as a kid. Disney may be evil but they did the world a great service with Mulan.”

“It is obvious why”

“If movies could turn you trans this one did it to me”

“I mean I assume this one is going to be there, but what if we all think “oh everyone is going to put mulan so I won’t” and then nobody does?”

“it’s mulan”

“Gender”

“Mulan is so trans, however you want to read her (as a trans man, genderqueer, genderfluid, etc.) and Shang is hella bi. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk”

“This movie is SOOOOO trans coded. Captain Li is a bisexual icon. As an Asian queer person I have sat and cried to Reflection by Lea Salonga while staring in a mirror too many times to count. Can I be my authentic self without making my parents who I love hate me? It's too good.”

“My little asian tboy awakening”

“Can be read as transmasc- he finds his true purpose/calling in life by presenting as male- or as transfem- she goes against everyone’s expectations for her by revealing her true self as a woman. A very trans movie. Also just a very good movie in general.”

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

reading update: november 2023

hiiiii, sorry I'm late! I know we're a week past November now, but I've been busy! and struggling to pull my mental health out of an absolute crevasse! I think I've mostly made it at this point, but unfortunately my month of seasonal affective woe did leave me with a pretty paltry reading list for the month of November :/

not that I have a quota to hit, but I'm getting back into reading with a PASSION now and I'm hoping to get a few more really great novels in before the year ends!

what have I been reading?

Exquisite Corpse (published as Poppy Z. Brite, currently known as William Martin, 1996) - man, you guys know how I love a fucked up little story about some nasty freaks? this is a FUCKED UP story about the NASTIEST freaks. gay serial killer Andrew escapes a life sentence in England by faking his own death and flees to America, where he lands in New Orleans and promptly meets a man named Jay, who is - holy shit, what are the odds? ALSO a gay serial killer! they get along like a house on fire, setting their sights immediately on a beautiful young runaway drug deal name Tran who has his sights set on Jay. but Trans' ex-boyfriend, Luke, a bitter writer turned pirate DJ dying of AIDS, is also up in the mix, complicating things for everyone. the tone is unrelentingly gruesome but beautifully written and frequently funnier than should be possible. certainly not a book for everyone, with about every possible trigger warning on the table, but god. WHAT a ride. I savored every second.

Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity (Devon Price, 2022) - any hype you've heard about this book is absolutely worth it. Price is really exemplifying the excellence that comes from in-group writing, the magic that happens when people with firsthand experience living a life outside The Norm infiltrates academia and get the credentials to be recognized as the experts they are. I can't speak to the experience of reading this book as an autistic person, but as someone who's often the token allistic among my friends it clarified things that I had never even thought to wonder about with straightforward, accessible style and firsthand understanding. also, hey, it's so cool to see a book just straight-up advocating for autistic people to get more autistic and worry less about appeasing the allistic people around them. Dr. Price writes great advice, and I strongly recommend checking out this book and more of his work here. reading this also made me absolutely feral to check out Price's first book, Laziness Does Not Exist, so expect notes on that soon!

Momfluenced: Inside the Maddening, Picture-Perfect World of Mommy Influencer Culture (Sara Petersen, 2023) - listen, we can be honest here: that title is too long. but the read is worth it, even if I do have some mixed feelings about Petersen's messaging. she's not a momfluencer, but she is a mom who has been and still is very invested in momfluencers, letting that fascination fuel this book's creation. I found Petersen a bit too quick to come to the defense of influencing as a profession, which could grate. yes, women influencers are often the targets of a particular hostility that certainly stems from misogyny. yes, it certainly is true that being a full-time Instagram poster on top of raising living human children requires a lot of time and effort, which I guess does make it a "real job". but there are lots of "real jobs" that I disrespect on principle, and influencers are certainly on the list. Petersen has analysis on the stark hegemony of momfluencers, particularly the insidious white supremacy that controls which mothers are seen as aspirational, and she's certainly not lacking in self-reflection about the role momfluencers have played in her own parenting decisions, but it would have been nice to see more pushback on the concept of influencers existing at all, not just creating space for more diverse moms to take up the title. having said that: the chapter in which Petersen reflects on her own mother's lifelong dissatisfaction and grapples with learning to see her mother as a person, rather than just a perfectly happy crafty homemaker, was one of the most riveting things I've ever read and attacked me right in my own maternal baggage. she's a chatty writer who sometimes pulls back the conversational curtain to say the most haunting shit you've ever read in your life, particularly if you're like me and regard motherhood as a sort of horror movie scenario.

Unfortunately Yours (Tessa Bailey, 2023) - god, more like UNFORTUNATELY THIS BOOK, am I right? Unfortunately Yours was November's romance novel, which I finally got around to reading after it was gifted to me this summer by my housemate who clearly hates me. I already bitched about it at length in this month's hater roundup over on my Patreon, but god. jesus christ. I've had a lot of fun reading romance novels that are pretty charmingly crappy, but Bailey just fucking sucks. this book has it all: incessant references to the size difference between our hulking he-man protag and his itty bitty love interest, WEIRD gender dynamics, the most half-assed alleged "enemies-to-lovers" I've ever seen (they just kind of don't get along, it's nothing), convoluted fake marriage, "witty" "banter" that really reads like Bailey has never heard two clever or funny people talk to each other before and has to guess, and some viscerally upsetting sex scenes including one that takes place IN THE MIDDLE OF A FLASH FLOOD. also, the male protag is a war criminal. nobody ever shuts up about how he's an ex-Navy SEAL, but they never seem to want to talk about what SEALs actually do. might be kind of a boner killer.

what am I reading now?

The Bandit Queens (Parini Shroff, 2023) - I started this novel a couple days ago and I'm absolutely devouring it; I've got about 100 pages left and cannot wait to see how the story resolves. it's tremendous fun but also hits on emotional depths that I didn't expect going into a black comedy about rural Indian women killing their husbands! I'm very excited to finish it up and talk about it in my next recap; I think it's one of my favorite novels of the year for sure.

Out There Screaming: An Anthology of New Black Horror (edited by Jordan Peele, 2023) - I meant to read this for October but oops, there were too many holds at the library! regardless, the stories have been nothing but bangers so far.

Small Game (Blair Braverman, 2022) - I haven't started this novel yet, but it's been on my list for a while and after listening to several of Braverman's guest episodes on You're Wrong About in a row, I had to check it out. her episode on the Flight 571 crash in the Andes almost had me in tears; cannot recommend it enough.

[karrenseely]

Silver Linings

I just realized something. I learned about the existence of Trans people when I was 12 or 13 I think. I learned about us in a medical encyclopedia. It wasn't a lot to go on, but it definitely was enough. Two things happened when I saw that entry. First I wasn't alone, second I could do something about this.

I absolutely wasn't alone or the only one AMAB who was a girl. That lifted a huge weight off of me, I wasn't alone. People who've never experienced the feeling that you're the only one in the world that seems to not be the way everyone around you is, have no idea how hard that is, I sooo identified with the Last Unicorn as a child. Growing up, I had no positive examples of queer people. None. I can't recall a negative example either that was explicitly queer. There was nothing for me to reference what I was going through. I was taught like all young girls in our society that being a girl is inferior to being a boy (why? Why does our society do this? Even today? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! We're not inferior to men, we never were, but for some reason some narcissistic AH somewhere decided this and then a bunch of other narcissistic idiots with power liked it and here we are living in a patriarchal misogynistic society, which is absolute BS). But I was also taught that being a boy who "wanted" to be a girl (yes I'm aware I was girl all along, though it took me a long time to understand that, because... society) was doubly bad and horrible.

So I was completely ashamed and terrified of anyone learning my secret because I was the only one and I knew it was a bad secret. I'm sure there are other things that happened that taught me this, experiences with my parents, peers, teachers. But I don't remember most of them, and I don't really need to go into it here, as the sadly important point is that I learned very young to be ashamed of myself.

No one ever talked about people like us. Ever. There were the occasional movies involving cross dressing and drag, usually men pretending to be women (notice that key word that differentiates trans people from cis people. Cis people when they cross dress in performative ways are pretending to be the opposite sex or a gender outside the binary. Trans people aren't pretending, we are the gender we identify with.) like Tootsie. I liked the movie, it was nice to see a man who could pretend to be a woman and enjoy some of it. But I never identified with that character, not in any significant life changing way. Because he was a man, he identified as a man throughout the movie and I was a girl forced to be a boy. And most other instances of crossdressing in media were treated as a joke, including Tootsie. "Hello [shame] my old friend, I've come to talk with you again." (1)

So learning I wasn't the only person in the world that felt this way was life changing. It gave me comfort, which I sorely needed. But the second part was just as important. I could actually do something about my body and I could be me. And that gave me hope. Which was sorely needed as I was spiraling downward rapidly at the time. Months later as the horrors of my body changing became more apparent I came out to my parents in desperation, which instead of recognizing me and loving and supporting me, was met w/ dismissal, and attempts to erase me and increased the shaming tenfold. But the one thing that kept me going. The one bright star in that horrible darkness was the knowledge that I could transition someday, not as soon as I'd hoped, not as soon as I needed, but someday. It felt like an eternity away, but it was there, telling me to keep surviving to keep going because I could be me when I got there.

Had I not learned of trans people, I honestly don't think I would have survived my first adolescence. I would just be another dead kid with everyone wondering why I was so depressed and weren't there any signs? (I often wonder how many of the children that manage to kill themselves are queer. Based on proportions of homeless youth, I imagine queer kids are a very large chunk of that statistic.) Just learning about the existence of trans people kept me alive. Knowing I wasn't alone and there was something I could do about it. It was horrifyingly frustrating that I couldn't do anything until I turned 18, but I would be able to do something about it. So learning about trans people saved my life.

Just that one concept, that trans people living their authentic lives existed, was enough to keep me alive. And here is the silver lining that occured to me. Despite all the negative, bigoted, horrible publicity, laws, and hate. Our existence is being talked about a lot. Which means, kids who need to know they aren't alone, that they are not the only one's that feel this way. Are finding out that we exist. Yes they'll need to do research and understand that we and in turn them are not evil, not monsters, not perverts, But beautiful amazing wonderful and caring people. And because of that, maybe. Just maybe, a few more trans kids will survive and maybe even thrive one day, because they learn they aren't alone and there is something they can do about it.

I hope so. I really hope that is the case. I also wish we didn't suffer so much that way, too many of us die. Maybe someday, that will change for the better. (1) Simon and Garfunkel, "The Sound of Silence."

[secondsundering]

hi i was supposed to send this at the same time as the Jinx ask but i forgor. its kinda funny i followed you only after you remade so i know all about Cal’s Vibes but. i don’t even know his in-game class. or his age. or anything about his backstory

so yeah tell me about Caladium :3

holding my shaking hands out like a sickly orphan by the way.

aaaaaaa well first of all thank you for asking about him 🥺 my thoughts are all very scattered all the time and i simply feel too shitty and uncertain about my writing rn to recommend any of it so i'm just gonna sort of... go

here are the basics

class: bard (probably would be multiclassed with rogue now if i felt like playing the game)

age: 67... ish? i can't remember exactly what i settled on but he's in his 60s. in fadverse (my modern au with max) he is 28 just as a reference point

race: drow-like thing. he's 6 ft even because i bhaal didn't know any better

identity: bisexual, hypersexual, high fem trans man (there's definitely some Gender happening but he feels very confident that he is his own definition of a man.) did not figure out the bisexuality thing until late in life so he was living and operating as a gay man for most of his story

backstory and stuff under the cut

he grew up on the outskirts of menzoberranzan, taken in by a well-meaning woman who did her best to raise him until his urge manifested at 8 years old and he killed her.

as a child he actually didn't speak much, and never to his "mother", only talking to himself and animals or reciting the verbal components of spells. in that same vein, he taught himself how to do pretty much everything, including magic, not because help wasn't offered to him but because he's always been very independent and stubborn (what a shocker)

after the um. unfortunate death of his "mother" (he also never called her mother, only referring to her as "the woman") he pretty much roughed it as an underdark + sewer urchin until scelaritas appeared to him at 10 years old. know age of majority etc etc but i wanted him to have still been very young when he started living in the temple. i imagine he sort of stumbled upon it while exploring and scel was like whoops i guess it's time huh.

ANYWAY i don't have a lot of the next decades of his life fleshed out very well. he was always VERY dedicated and dutiful when it came to bhaal temple stuff, but again he was very independent, aloof, and stubborn, refusing to form a strong bond with absolutely anyone (including orin, who looked up to him at first.) he did however develop an intense fascination with the surface world, especially the nobility, and began sneaking away to the city a lot and dressing up, partying, playing music at taverns, seducing men and then killing them, etc. a boy has his hobbies

his current personality only really begins to develop and show himself once he's really risen through the ranks of the temple and there's really no one left who can defy him. he knows how to get in good with the people that matter and everyone else can sort of just suffer about it. as time goes on he becomes increasingly more flippant and disinterested with the temple, choosing to spend most of his time pampering himself or up in the city. it's during this time where gortash takes an interest him.

the guy keeps tabs on him for SEVERAL years before having someone leave a letter in cal's quarters at the temple, which of course cal finds extremely intriguing because he's insane and then they meet up and psychologically torture each other for years etc etc i'm so sorry this is going on far too long huh

fast forward to moonrise towers, the arrival of jinx, gortash's and his own subsequent obsession with him, the formation of the worst polycule of all time. cal and jinx's relationship is very antagonistic for a long time and (excluding gortash's involvement) it's pretty much all cal's fault. he feels threatened by jinx, because he is possessive over the weird thing he has with gortash, is under the impression jinx thinks he's superior (cal baby he is just autistic) and feels like his place within The Plan and as The #1 Specialest Bhaalspawn is compromised. but they become utterly obsessed with each other anyway and slowly fall in love with a lot of (very horny) torture and mind games mixed in there.

this all culminates in cal being lobotomized by gortash which. i have a lot of fic ideas about, some in progress and some not, but regardless that should all be a separate post because holy hell i've rambled WAY too much i'm so sorry 😭😭

anyway if u read all this thank you and i appreciate you, i hope it's coherent????

[spacelazarwolf]

Just thinking about like... how Vaspider reacted like you were saying "actually it would be fine if we were genocided, there would be absolutely no negative consequences" and you're literally just like "hey we are not currently actively in the middle of the Holocaust, we have time to stop this" and also "this genocide would not play out exactly like the Shoah in terms of long-term effects".

Like... every single queer death is a massive tragedy! If every queer person was wiped out, yeah, newer generations would both be unsafe and divorced from their local and national history! It would have serious long term effects, aside from just the loss of human life. But it wouldn't be a 1 to 1 with jewish genocide.

(I'd argue that local queer culture does exist in the US more than a national queer cultural identity, and there would be a true "culture loss" as individual communities were decimated, but that's STILL not the same as an international diaspora!)

Anyway I'll send you a Beast later when I get home for the Troubles :p

that’s the biggest issue for me with the holocaust comparisons is like. there are a lot of young, especially white, trans people who are convinced that this is the end. they’re catastrophizing and convincing themselves and each other that they’re gonna die or that they can’t access care when they actually can, and it’s legitimately hurting people. like the emergency order in missouri does say that people will have to have an autism screening, but not everyone is enforcing that. and we don’t know whether that means autistic people can’t access care but freaking out and saying no autistic people can is keeping autistic people from trying to get appointments before it’s too late. ugh. idk. the catastrophizing is just not helping, and it’s coming from majority white people which is kind of irritating.

[drowninginredink]

How did it take me until April 3, 2024 to realize that Lemony Snicket is absolutely a trans woman and someone needs to get her some E, stat?

- Lemony is always, always, always hiding her face. Well... okay they cut it from Netflix, but in the books and movie, the most iconic thing about Lemony is that in every photograph, she's managed to hide her face. And yes, allegedly that's to hide her identity, but like... Is it? Or is that an excuse and really Lemony just does not like her face because it's too masculine? God knows most pre-transition folks hate being photographed

- Have you seen the way she talks about Beatrice? Have you read that letter from The Beatrice Letters? "Summer without you is as cold as winter. Winter without you is even colder," "I cherished, you perished, the world's been nightmarished," "When we first met, you were pretty and I was lonely. Now I am pretty lonely." Straight men do not write about women like that. Lesbians do. Especially that letter. Do you think that a straight man wrote "I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you next Tuesday" or "I will love you until the chances of us running into one another slip from skim to zero, and until your face is fogged by distant memory" or "I will love you if you don’t marry me. I will love you if you marry someone else – your co-star, perhaps, or Y., or even O., or anyone Z. through A., even R. although sadly I believe it will be quite some time before two women can be allowed to marry?" Absolutely not. Those are obviously the words of a lesbian.

- Pretty much everyone important in Lemony's life is a woman. All of the people closest to him: Beatrice, Kit, R, Moxie, and Ellington. Sure, he does interact with other people, but those are the 5 closest relationships indicated by the text. Obviously you can be a man with all female friends, but how many times has a "man" always gotten along better with women and ended up not being a man.

- The audiobooks are (mostly) read by Tim Curry, and we all know he plays a pretty famous transsexual

- Lemony strikes me as very self-sabotaging. Now, this is my own opinion. One could believe that all of the mess that Lemony is in is purely VFD's fault. Maybe VFD forced her to take the blame for Olaf's crimes and generally end up buried so deep in accusations that she had to fake her own death and go on the lam. However, I can see an absolutely self-hating Lemony who volunteered to take on the role that she did. Who chose to be the fall guy. And why would she hate herself so much? Dysphoria. A deeply dysphoric and closeted woman who figures that since she isn't happy with herself, she might as well be the one to have her life ruined by the schism. That way all the actually happy and good people don't need to have their potential ruined.

- Similarly, Lemony never actually jumps in to save the Baudelaires, merely writing about them from afar. She is, to put it bluntly, a coward. She tells herself she's doing something to help them, but won't intervene in the way they really need. Why not? Because she's so deep in self-loathing! Again, that could just be because of her failures in life, but like... What if she also hates herself because of repressed dysphoria?

- Lemony is just generally really, really, really, really sad. And look, I know I'm aromantic as hell, but do we really think that's *just* because she lost the love of his life? Or do we think maybe something else is making her that gloomy?

- Look I just really want Lemony to have a way to be happy. And there's no bringing Beatrice back. But. HRT? Sure. I bet there's HRT in the snicketverse. Why not? I take the reading that Beatrice and Bertrand had Violet at like 20, which makes Lemony only like 35. He's 35, and yet she's completely given up on life. She is just a shelll of a person. She doesn't actually interact with anyone and spends all her time researching terrible things that happen. She's too young to be resigned to misery. I want Lemony to have a way to be reborn and find some form of happiness again. Thus, I would like to blame some of her misery on living as a man, and propose that transition could save her.

- Again. Lemony hates pictures and doesn't like to show her face. Give her some FFS! Stat!

- Come on. Beatrice and Lemony are an iconic couple. You cannot tell me that if given the choice, you want them to be M/F when they could be F/F

Okay. I rest my case. Now to submit to @couldtransitionsaveher

[zerosuitsammie]

Did you feel any dysphoria before transition?

Also did you change the way you behave after it or just stayed yourself?

Asking for, well... reasons that uhh.. have absolutely nothing to do with me

Did I feel dysphoria?

Yes, my dysphoria was crippling. I was so constantly depressed and anxious and hated myself and couldn't feel an ounce of self confidence. I hated myself so much that I attempted suicide once because at that time I was so afraid and didn't know how to change. I knew what HRT was but I didn't know how to get it or where to start. I thought I'd be stuck living as I was forever and it didn't feel like a life worth living. So as previously stated I attempted suicide and I was unsuccessful thankfully. I began presenting more femme most days following that. But after a couple years still not knowing how to truly start HRT and come out on top of the fear that held me back, I went deeply back into the closet. This time around though the depression hit so hard that I started killing myself in a different way. I lived so unhealthily that I would've eventually died young from something, probably alcohol poisoning or very young heart attack. Thankfully I hit my breaking point before that where I knew I couldn't live as a false version of myself anymore. I physically just couldn't but I wasn't going to attempt suicide again so I went to therapy. Was diagnosed with dysphoria in my first session and referred to a clinic that prescribed me HRT, came out to everyone I knew and at work. And it was hard. But my life has been so much better, whole, fulfilling and happy since. But yes definitely had dysphoria before but that's just my personal experience.

Did I change my behavior?

Yes and no. I mean in the beginning every trans femme goes through their hyper feminine phase but that's just us speed running experiences we didn't get to have growing up. But no my personality didn't really change I just became more confident and open in expressing the things that I always kept hidden or were afraid to say out loud. My external behaviors probably changed to those who knew me before and witnessed my transition but I know that those behaviors were always in me and in my thoughts I just never expressed them.

Really the two things I can really say is: Don't let fear hold you back from being the person you feel you are inside, the version of yourself that you can give self love. And once you are that version of yourself you will discover all the elements of that person that you kept locked up.

I hope this helps sweet pea. Feel free to dm me with any questions you have or to vent or talk. I will never refuse to help a trans person in need, especially with their growth and understanding. *muah* 😘😘😘