#nothing makes me happier than seeing you interested in a story I'm writing

[purple-babygirl]

am sorry but i am stupid and i dont really understand what is orc i mean i know it is some kind of monster but uhh i dont know could you tell for example, how do you imagine it? i enjoy this fic and i would only want to know am sorry again!!

Nooo, don't be sorry! You're not stupid at all. If you're not familiar with orcs that's okay!💜💜

Orcs are fictional humanoid like creatures that were first introduced to literature by J.R.R. Tolkien, I think. They have since appeared in games and movies, too. Orcs are always depicted as creatures who kind of look like humans but are much bigger, have tusks besides their normal teeth and pointed ears and distinctive green skin. Another breed that is less known is snow orcs, and those are depicted to have greyish skin instead of green.

In that story, Bucky is a half snow orc (because Winter Soldier and everything), which means he is half human, half orc so he isn't as large as other orcs, but he is still large compared to humans. He is muscly all over and he has greyish skin and blunt tusks and long hair. He has been through a lot of wars for years as a young orc so he has a lot of scars everywhere and of course he has his metal arm.

I hope my description helped a little:" If you have any more questions let me know I'm right here 💜💜💜

[lunavrse]

WHAT YOU HEARD

LANDO NORRIS

summary ★ : streets are saying yn finally broke up with her loser boyfriend and guess who couldn't be happier? if you guessed lando, you'd be wrong, it's actually her (but lando's a really close second).

category ★ : smau.

notes ★ : disregard all times and dates, they don't matter. all spelling mistakes are intentional. with that out of the way, finally someone other than charles even though i still have like 2 drafts for him that i need to finish. ntm on the banner and article 😶‍🌫️. when you get to the hello kitty reactions pls just scroll💀 it was funny when i made it but now it's just... and i cba to remove it. sorry this is so short 🙏.

yn_ln added to their story.

user00: oooh, girl's night????

user01: love seeing my fav wags out and about

user02: what happened to your foot? hope you're okay🫶

yourfriend: lils on her phone probably texting alex🙄 they make me sick w how cute they are

user03: y'all look so good🥴

user04: I just know that club's hot as satan's arsehole, how do you look so good? what's your secret🎤

alex_albon: please bring my girlfriend back in one piece🙏

yn_ln: nah, she's my girlfriend now😪

user05: no ezra? break up abeg

maxfewtrell replied to your Close Friends story : did you forget she's on your cf

landonorris: do you think i'm stupid? obviously i removed her before posting this

maxfewtrell: so you do have a working brain cell🤗 congrats🎉

monaspencer replied to your story : wasteman is hilarious but deserved.

alex_albon replied to your Close Friends story : may your efforts fail 🤞🙏

alex_albon: nothing personal mate🤷‍♂️

landonorris: WOW🤣🤣

landonorris: WDYM nothing personal, you're literally cursing me😒

randomfriend replied to your story : VINDICATION!!! i knew you couldn't read🥳

alex_albon replied to your Close Friends story : why did he have to be such a simp, now i owe lily and mona money

yn_ln: you're a millionaire, you can afford it, so suck it up king👑🫶🏽

yn_ln: i actually don't want to know...

monaspencer replied to your Close Friends story : you just made me 200€ richer😘

lilymhe replied to your Close Friends story : now alex owes mo and i money, thank you🙏🏻

yn_ln: glad to be of service?

landonorris replied to your Close Friends story : i wonder who that handsome guy is

yn_ln: some stray i found wandering around and out of the goodness of my heart, i decided to bring into my home

landonorris: you're not funny

yn_ln: then why were you laughing at all my jokes earlier?

landonorris: i was laughing at how bad they were😕

yn_ln: sure...

charles_leclerc replied to your story : tangled on a date? how romantic

yourfriend replied to your Close Friends story : this doesn't look very "im done w yt men" 🤔

yn_ln: you're in my business, don't do that😁

yourfriend: but it's so interesting 🥴

⤷ end note ‧ ★ : made a cute lil divider so hopefully it distracts you from everything else😋. honestly this took so long bc i was mostly working with vibes, no writing, no thoughts, just vibes. i don't know how some of y'all are so fast, like you guys amaze me, my goal is to just get more than 1 smau per month out. also i will no longer be writing for charles leclerc bc someone said he looked like noah schnapp and i can't unsee it 💀💀 gonna have to change the drafts🥲

[tsaricides]

on the topic of “all the ways to stay away” i was surprised to see you mentioned the all-caste since a lot of jason fans tend to the ignore that part of his canon. what were your likes and dislikes about how the all-caste was handled and how you would go about it?

also absolutely obsessed with this conversation in chapter 3 of black out days, “You’re a child, she wants to reply. It’s a child’s job to be needy and to cry out for love. It’s a parent’s job to provide and never stop loving. And it’s a mourner’s right to stop the mourning when they believe that the dead have found peace.” this whole conversation was lovely, and your Jay and Talia voices are so good!! i think it’s my favorite line of yours ever

there is nothing that makes me happier than people pointing at specific bits of my writing that resonated with them, so you can only imagine how delighted your ask made me! thank you so much. i'm also very glad you liked that conversation, as the whole fanfic was actually a set up for it; it was quite literally the starting point for this work, as i was looking for an alternative version of the story in which such vulnerability and self-awareness could be afforded... which is to say, i was quite concerned people would read it and think "they would not say that"; but my whole point was that i was trying to alter the canon for it to become realistic.

which is, i think, a good opening to say that the way i use all-caste in that story is also purely instrumental. not only talia, but also the narrative, needed him in a place both removed from the league and gotham, and out of all places jay finds himself in canon, that was the most obvious one. i was not planning to expand on that in the series at all, but you are making me want to write an interlude that would explain both what happens in there in an au, and what i think is the only interesting thing about all-caste in canon...

i don't think canon needs all-caste at all; it is a hindrance to the style of storytelling that we see in the lost days, and it comes way too close to the "chosen one" idea for my liking... and many people point out that jason getting these magical swords that materialise only in the presence of evil is an anti-thesis to his character, because jason is supposed to be at least to a degree wrong. but i honestly think this ignores the best element of the storyline... which is that jay is forced to constrain his anger in order to fight that grand, ontological idea of evil... and then he rejects it. of course, lobdell unfortunately does not leave it that mere comma that is supposed to fit somewhere in the lost days, but i think as such it would not be all that offensive. because it makes sense for jay to deny that divine sort of judgement. he is given the ability to transcend the human matters and emotions in a crusade that would, in its justification, outrank that of batman; but it is of no interest for him, because for him killing is not holy, and his sense of morality and righteousness come from the most basic notions of interpersonal and societal relationships and an attempt to deal with ordinary cruelty that come with it. not a successful one; but this is what makes him who he is. so i might not like the all-caste for many reasons, but i don't think it outright goes against the bare bones of his characterisation. i would even say it's more of a world-building issue and asserting what type of setting jason belongs to.

in all the ways to stay away, unlike in canon, the world becomes a bit wider as jason tries to let go of his past; and like in canon, he rejects that ontological right to kill, but rather than reverting to more... down-to-earth motivations, it is a stepping stone for him to realise that it is not a responsibility for him to take at all. just as all-blades draw from his soul and demand his blood sacrifice, the ideology powering the red hood mission itself is also a form of self-harm. and with talia as an example there, jason starts looking for a third way, in between that detached and mighty path, and reducing himself to a bundle of pain driven by the opposite. this is also an additional push for that self-awareness that makes the story what it is -- an attempt for jason to do something he never does: let go.

[shapelytimber]

Finally finished this comic for class, hope you’ll all enjoy it :) (and I really hope it won’t get flagged even tho I censored the ending-) (ok this is my second time posting this- second time the charm I hope :(( If you want the uncensored version you can just dm me)

Oh boy what a journey- I had to rewrite this so many times jgotjgpfjn I hope you little queer people will relate to this more than my very het very cis 50 yo male teacher who did not understand it one bit- (more on that along with the french version vvv because I need to rant a bit- ok a lot)

Ici pour la vo et mon sel a ce que je vois <3 anyway joyeuse pride et bravo les lesbiennes

That man did not understand the relation between the vampire narrative and the gay narrative (he did not see a link between the two and told me the second half in the 70s would alienate the audience that would be interested in the "vampire and gore" narrative ???), he told me "your greatest desire being a curse if it came to be makes no sense because the two words are complete opposites and thus a contradiction" ( sir???? That man never had a fantasy, hated someone viscerally or just heard of the concept of an *oxymoron* apparently ok cool cool), he did not know about the lavender menace (ok I was expecting that) but because of that he told me that having that long of a time skip was nonsense (like it's not a very cliché trope of the vampire narrative) and that it was not realistic that she only found *someone* after 150 years (u know, like homophobia, comp het or just slow self discovery are not a thing ??? Especially for a woman born and raised in the 19th century ??) (But ig that led to him telling me that I should consider that since I was an expert in my field (that field being lesbianism), I should not consider specific terms or reference to be understood by *most people* mhkglmglgkgkgkk guys I'm a lesbian expert now) and cherry on the top : he thought that it was not logical for her to be happier after becoming a vampire, because she ends up having to hide it and vampirism is a curse. (Never mind she killed her shitty husband, freed herself, and found a community ig). Overall he found it confusing, two story that have *nothing* to do with each other and not explained enough.

Like seriously I know I'm not good at writing (I usually don't do it very much-), that's why I choose to do a very cliché vampire narrative, and I was expecting to be called out on it (like I hit nearly every trope : killed someone accidentally, hiding your vampirism, the long ellipse, gay) not ending up having doubts I was even able to write french ??? He had some very valid feedback to give me, but the vast majority of them I just found baffling-

Oops sorry for this long ass text-

[kaisacobra]

I’ll be sending you the invoice for the therapy session I’ll be needing after reading “Second Best”, I should’ve stayed curious😔. KIDDING, I fucking loved it and can’t wait for the emotional turmoil you’ll be putting all of us through in part two!

I vote on R being alive, you said you weren’t sure if you’d kill her off for the angst but I think having to grieve somebody who’s still alive in this particular story would be very interesting. If she dies, no doubt in my mind that R would forever infest Tara’s every waking moment but I don’t want her to die sad. It’s not even that I want a happy ending for Tara, I want a happy ending for R, whether or not that’s with Tara(if it’s with Tara she has A LOT of groveling to do).

When it comes to situations like this, one of the things I think that levels the playing field is if R says something hurtful (maybe more hurtful cause what I wrote down below, R is just spitting FACTS). I already know nothing she can say would ever be as hurtful as what Tara said but something along the lines of.

Tara: Alright my bad, can we just forget it ever happened?

R: Why should we? So you can do it again next week?

Tara: Y/N please… -

R: No I’m sick of this! You know what your fucking problem is? I’m the only person who’s never left you, who’s always been there for you! But you’re the most selfish and self-serving person I know and you’re so fucking used to being abandoned that you actually think I’m obsessed! I mean you care more about your dead ex who tried to murder us- more than you care about me, and it’s made me realize that just means you don’t care about me. You never have. You’re more trouble then you’re worth Tara, I think-… I know I’d be a lot happier if I never hear from you again.

You said you weren’t sure if you’d follow the plot of the Scream movies, whether or not you do. I think Quinn getting close to R would hurt Tara. After the first chapter I do believe R wouldn’t really be around the group much, because subconsciously she’ll still value Tara’s comfort over her own and want them to be there for Tara instead of her. So that would leave R in a vulnerable position and make it incredibly easy for Quinn to befriend R, all it would take is R seeing her do things for her that Tara wouldn’t do. Since Quinn is Tara’s roommate and they hangout in the same friend group I think having to see that in person would not only make Tara jealous but really magnify her neglectful and harsh treatment of R. ESPECIALLY if Quinn is still a murderer in the next chapter because then Tara would undoubtedly blame herself for R’s death near experience, because she’d be the reason that all it took was someone doing the bare minimum (I’d want Quinn to do more than just the bare minimum for revenge jealousy but that’s just me) to get R to trust them.

Your writing is really good so at the end of the day I’ll be happy with anything! Thank you for sharing your work with us and I hope you have a wonderful day, you deserve it babe.

First of all, I really appreciate the words and i absolutely LOVE your thoughts on it. Seriously, you wrote them so well, i honestly think you could also write some great stories someday if that's something you would want to do. (If you do, please tell me because I'll be eagerly reading it🤭)

I'm trying my best to keep things mysterious so the stuff you read on part 2 can still be surprising BUT you make some great points and I wouldn't be shocked if some of those things actually end up happening, but who knows🤫

Thank U so much for sharing your thoughts and i also hope you have a wonderful day (or night, yk, timezones)

[dream-trail-rpg]

Genuine questions, what are some struggles you guys have had with making a game? What are things you’ve enjoyed? And what are some advice you would give for someone trying to make their own game?

I hope to make a game of my own one day, and I’ve been meaning to ask! It was you guys that gave me hope to try and achieve that goal again, so I felt asking you guys may be a good idea!

(Also, I hope things are going well! Have a nice day!)

Howdy! Sock here!

This is going to be a bit of a long answer, so I'll hide it under the cut:

It means so much to hear that we helped as some sort of motivation towards working on your own game,,, My advice in that department is to just GO FOR IT! See what happens! See what you can manage! That's how Dream Trail got started. If you have an idea that you really want to make, just take the plunge. Push yourself and rip off that bandaid! If you don't make the choice, you may miss out on a really interesting, exciting, and life-changing future path. Just don't take on more than you can chew. Try and stay around your skill level, but if you have bigger dreams then it's not a bad idea to start learning some new skills. Be ambitious, just not too much! Sometimes, ambition can outweigh your capabilities. Try not to overfill your game and include what's NECESSARY. Sometimes you have to make unfortunate cuts, but it's important to do what benefits your game best.

As a team, we've definitely had our fair share of struggles. There will be disagreements and road-blocks that take awhile to climb over. Coding has definitely been our worst enemy, haha. But it's important to keep going. Don't let anything stop you!

Here's a message from Chip/Mod Fay, I think they've got a better way of putting this all on one plate, similarly to what I explained:

"Don't bite off more than you can chew- especially if you're a solo dev, make sure what you're making is manageable. Try to make something that focuses more on your skillset! If you're an artist, make something focused on visuals. Writer, make a story-based game. Etc etc. Of course branching out and learning new things is good! But for a first game, try and cater to your skills, unless you wanna get burnt out- Take it from someone who Didn't Do That, starting slow is the way to go. Make sure to keep things organized, otherwise things can get complicated and messy fast. It's okay to ask for help from others in areas you're less experienced in. And if you're ever realizing you're not having fun- it's always okay to take breaks! Don't overwork yourself, it ain't healthy. Trust me- The most important thing is having fun! And if that requires a few breaks, whether they be days, weeks, months, or even years long, if that what's best for you, don't feel bad about it!"

No matter the struggles, it's always worth it. We all enjoy working on Dream Trail so much, we've shared so many laughs this past year. And nothing will ever beat the satisfaction and excitement of finally releasing our demo a couple months ago. Coming up with ideas and writing dialogue and thinking about character designs, it's an amazing process that I couldn't be happier to share with my friends.

I hope that you can make the game you want to make! I'm so honoured that our game has given you a little bit of hope for your own projects! I BELIEVE IN YOU!! No matter who you are, if you make something, there will ALWAYS be someone who loves your content. Show the world what you've got!

We're still slowly getting off of our break from after the demo's release. We've starting up again, but we're not fully back on track yet, so we have nothing to write in any dev-logs. We hope to have something new for all of you soon! Thanks again for your support, and I'd honestly love some more genuine asks like this. I love answering questions!

[amazing-spiderling]

For the fic writer asks,

🌿how does creating make you feel?

💝what is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

💥find your least kudos'd fic - say something wonderful about it.

🧿what steps do you take to not take things personally if a fic doesn't do well, or if your writing/posting/sharing experience isn't going how you'd like it to?

<3

🌿how does creating make you feel?

Ahh... wow... well, sometimes during, a little stressed, ngl. That's probably why I enjoy working on projects with friends and sharing things so much- having someone to bounce ideas off of and work with helps take some of the pressure off, but I also don't want to let them down, so it keeps me engaged even when things get challenging. Then after a project gets shared/posted, there's an immediate sense of relief- like whew! I can take it easy for a day. (Or the, "nobody ever ask me for anything ever again" feeling haha). And over time, that relief turns to satisfaction, especially as I look back after a long time and thing, "Wow, yeah. I did that."

💝what is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

I wrote a fic for a recent Metal Gear Solid zine called, "Dance Like You Want to Win", (an Evangelion reference I've been dying to use in an MGS fic for years). It was based on an idea I had for a story that was over a decade old, and I actually found part of my original draft collecting dust in the bottom of my google docs. I hadn't written for the fandom in a LONG time, and I was really worried about my characterization, the world-building, and having to write *action* scenes in a mission fic, neither of which are my forte. I was really worried people were going to read it and think I'd lost my touch.

But in the end, people liked it! I actually got compliments on the banter and overall, way more love than I was expecting, even some comments when I finally posted it to AO3. It felt like old times, and that really warmed my heart. <3

💥find your least kudos'd fic - say something wonderful about it.

The story in question is "Kind of Cool" which is a mashup of sorts of two webcomics by Kieran Thompson, "This is the Worst Idea You've Ever Had" and "Cuanta Vida" which was a TF2 fancomic. I had to read over it, because I'd forgotten what it was about, honestly. XD

The TLDR is that two characters in TITWIYEH (a modern magic story) had a few familiar faces from Cuanta Vida (with names! and much happier fates), so I had two characters discussing their non-serious theory that linguistics professor Jordi Betrand was actually a French spy- the joke being that the man is so softspoken and gentle, he's clearly nothing of the sort. I did get a chuckle from myself at this

The young man shook his head again, running weary fingers through his shaggy blonde hair. "Nicole, Professor Jordi Bertrand has got to be the most unassuming and boring man on the entire planet. I doubt he's ever experienced anything more exciting than a birthday party in his entire life- and not even a surprise party! Like a regular one with invitations where everyone knows when and where to go."

A lot of the humor in this fic is reliant on people having read both comics... which explains why it has a whopping 2 kudos, but even after a decade, the easter eggs are still pinging in my brain, so I guess that means I hid some good ones. XD

🧿what steps do you take to not take things personally if a fic doesn't do well, or if your writing/posting/sharing experience isn't going how you'd like it to?

Oh, gosh. Hm. Sometimes, I'm a big believer in "being the change you want to see in the world" when it comes to fandom and creative works. If you can't find the thing you want, make it- and that includes your own hype. If I want a story to get a little more attention, I might do some artwork for it (or commission some if I'm able) to hopefully pique people's interest. I might also do stuff like record podfics or something. But usually, the "next step" is to just move on to the next project and hope it gets a warmer reception.

I've found that trying to work too hard to cater to other people's wants just to get the reception I want doesn't always go to plan- or worse, I might get lots of comments and kudos, but it feels hollow because I feel like I'm being told, "you're really good at knowing what we will like" instead of "you are really good at writing and expressing this idea"- so over time, I've gotten a lot more comfortable making things for me. That way I'm guaranteed at least one person will like it, in the end. And even my "weird" fics are eventually found by people who appreciate them- and that really means a lot.

[darthnell]

20 Questions for Writers

Oh This looks fun.. ty for the tag @wordspin-shares !!

How many works do you have on AO3? As of right now, 19 !

What is your total AO3 word count? Well.. you see.. 501,371. ..Huh I the chap I just posted cracked the 500k count ! Congrats to me ig !

What fandoms do you write for? The Hunger Games ! I have some Star Wars fics on my AO3 from years ago, but 96.2% of those words are THG so. hjvbdhvhbddfbh

What are your top five fics by kudos? Sighs really heavily. So I pretty much only write OC stuff for THG, which means that the 3.8% of Star Wars fics are taking 3/5 spots on the top 5 kudos ranking. F in the chat. So starting at the most, we've got: Lessons Unlearned (SW), Is That Really Me? (SW), True Vengeance (THG), Widow's Bite (THG), and Take My Hand (SW). None of those SW fics are over 2k while True Vengeance is probably going to hit 300k by the time it's over... Really interesting to see the statistics of what it looks like to write in a larger fandom vs a smaller fandom tbh :0

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Absolutely !! I love reading what people think about my writing. It's neat to see what sticks out to them and how they feel about my characters or plots or everything really ! :D It makes my day to see them <3 Also I love chatting about my writing and the thought processes behind it, so if you every get an essay in response to a comment u left on my fic, uh.. sorrie... bdjfvbhdb

What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Hm.. Maybe Reparation Clause or True Vengeance? Granted, I haven't written the ending of TrV yet but given that I've killed off all of Ven's arena friends uhh.. yeah. The Bridges We Burn could also possibly fall under this category... Turns out there is no shortage of angst when you write for the child death pageant fandom jdvvbhdf

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Now that's a harder question, rip. I do generally try to end my Victor Exchange fics on happier notes (Destined to Fall, Desiderium, The Bridges We Burn). I think Widow's Bite and No Sleep for the Wicked also end on more positive notes..? I wouldn't exactly call it Happy though.. (maybe some of my Star Wars fics would qualify, but I do not feel like talking about them LMAO)

Do you get hate on your fic? No, I'm perfect (insert sunglasses emoji here) /j I don't think I've ever gotten straight-up hate comments on my fics before though. I've gotten some criticisms (one person wasn't happy about the fact that the Games continue after the events of True Vengeance, according to the other fics on my profile hvfhvbf), but nothing that's ever put me down about my writing. ...Do affectionate death threats count as hate? (my friends are Goofy bhjdfbvhd)

Do you write smut? If I do, you'll never know BHVF. Ok for real though, it's not really my jam as a writer. Worth trying probably to step out of my comfort zone, but definitely not something I'd ever post. Sorry guys.

Do you write crossovers? Nah.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Afaik, no. Not in terms of straight-up ripping the text. I think I've had some ideas borrowed, but like. Who give a fuck LOL. As my one friend likes to say often, there are no new ideas in THG (in terms of things like arenas, quell twists, tribute concepts). What makes something unique is having different authors writing and interpreting said concepts !

Have you ever had a fic translated? No, but I've thought about translating one of mine into French myself as a way of practice.. Never got around to it though, alas.

Have you ever co-written a fic? Ooh, so Technically, no... BUT. I do create tribute characters for SYOT (Submit Your Own Tribute) fics, which is more of a collaboration than co-writing. I also have three fics I've written for the Victor Exchange event in the SYOT Verses discord server where the pov victor characters were created by another author and I wrote their stories (and I received a fic for the victor character I created!) So again, not Reeeally co-writing, but. Collaboration !!! Uhh I was really into Barriss/Ahsoka in high school. FinnRey starwar is also<3

What's your all-time favorite ship? Scratches head uhhhhh.. all time favorite..? If my ocs count, I will say Maritrix (Venatrix and Mariposa) and also Oberon and Dagmara. Otherwise, uhhhhh..... I will be real, it has been a Long time since I've cared about any specific ships to the level where I need to read or write fanfiction about them LOL. I was really into Barriss/Ahsoka back in high school. Also FinnRey starwar<3

What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

What are your writing strengths? Ooh I love writing dialogue, and also fight scenes!! Description is fun too c: But yeah, I have been called the fight scene queen by a friend once so I think that counts as a strength LOL.

What are your writing weaknesses? I have no weaknesses I'm perfect (sunglasses emoji). /J bvhjfvfbh.. I'm Slow. I get hung up sometimes on structure/style things while writing and it makes the process take a bit longer. I think also sometimes I tend to meander a bit... I could use a lesson in conciseness jvhhbfv.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? It seems like good practice !! Like I said, I had wanted to translate one of my fics into French as practice.. Not sure if that's what this question is asking, or more of like. A bilingual character or something..? Idk ! I think if it's something that you want to get better at, it would also be wise to get concrit from a native speaker on how natural it sounds.

First fandom you wrote for? Warriorcats ! :3c

Favorite fic you've ever written? I /gen enjoy most of my writing.. I know not all people do and I'm not trying to brag or anything, I just. I pander to myself LMAO. But my Favorite TM has gotta be True Vengeance ;-; It's the longest thing I've ever written (and probably will be for a while), and I've spent every day for the past ~3 years thinking about it, so. That is telling hbvdhbf.

Tagging: @illegalcryptid @emeraldflower25 @rivalhughs @ladyqueerfoot @justafunctionalmess @conschintz and general tag for anyone who wants to answer !!

[dietraumerei]

Weekly Writing and Reading Update

Hello, I spent the afternoon getting tattooed and I'm so happy I did and I love my new art but I feel like ten miles of VERY bad road right now. I should have eaten little snacks on break and it turns out a 4-hour session is probably my limit :/ Tomorrow will be better though! And I am in my cozy lil apartment and gonna make mac and cheese for dinner and probably fall asleep at like 9pm, so things are looking up <3

Writing

I posted another chapter of Beginnings, and am writing it slowly but surely; I think I was a bit tired to write this week and all.

I finally finished and posted Aftermath of Failure (Whumptober 2023) which I'm really proud of and pleased with; I love the Fisher King story and it was nice getting to pull that into things.

Reading

I read Dolls of Our Lives and the more I think about it the more I disliked it. I'm tired and lazy so here's the review I sent a friend:

I finished Dolls of our Lives last night. I found it...okay. The editing is often bad which was depressing. It mostly felt really tonally inconsistent -- they're both historians and know their stuff, but keep putting in schticky little pop culture jokes that are a) not that funny? and b) just appear out of nowhere. If you're going to look at AG through a pop culture lens, do it properly, don't just randomly name-drop pop culture stuff. It occasionally dips below surface-level analysis, but it's not super memorable and I don't see it aging really well. (I'd LOVE someone to write an accessible book that actually does look at AG dolls both within their own cultural contexts and the context of when they were released, to say nothing of the interplay of doll + book, and maybe with an added chapter on how girls and dolls play, and what it meant to release a doll that wasn't aspirational in some way, whether it be an adult like Barbie or a baby doll. Okay, maybe I want three books. But it feels like there's a lot of richness to dig into, and I've yet to see anyone scrape more than the surface.) Anyway, 6/10, it was okay but the authors do themselves a disservice. There's a small section at the end where they talk about themselves and how the podcast has changed them and how it came about and it's the best bit of the book because it's actually vulnerable and interesting, with some theory thrown in, and it's barely shticky at all.

I will now add that I think it'll age like milk, and I'm super disappointed.

In happier news, I read The Murder of Roger Ackroyd which is simply a masterpiece, and reading it was a deep and abiding pleasure. I know the twist and it still worked wonderfully on me -- if you don't know how it ends, I REALLY urge you not to spoil yourself and also to read it, for it's wonderful and you will scream at the reveal.

[booksandchainmail]

Pale 7.8 extra

Interesting, I think this is the first extra material we've had that is just normal text? (ie not in-universe writings, not multimedia)

Very interested to get to see more of Lucy's mom. So far we have her meeting Avery's parents... I wonder if Verona's dad was invited? Also curious if this is just a general getting to know child's friend's parents meeting, or if they want to talk over specific concerns

We were friends, before, as much because of the girls putting us in close proximity as anything.

I hadn't thought of Verona's mother as being friends with Lucy's, it's never come up before. Though I know my parents didn't remain close to any people they spent time with because I was friends with their children as a kid

“Don’t even get me started on work schedules,” Brett told her.

Taken by itself, nothing Verona's dad is saying would necessarily be a red flag, but combined with everything we've already seen of him it bothers me. Immediately going into complaining about work when asked what he does, the grousing about Verona that doesn't seem lighthearted to me...

“Is she getting along with either of the two more?” Connor asked.  He looked at Kelsey, who frowned.

don't dig for information like that! If there was something going on, let her tell you in her own time. Also, if Avery was dating one of the others, and they weren't out either, this would be a great way to tip off their parents.

It’s like her skin crawls if she’s in my company for more than five seconds, she runs off to her room or leaves the house at the next opportunity.

now this one is a red flag

“This was weeks of moments,” Brett said.  “I was looking things up and thinking about oppositional defiant disorder.”

of course you were

I can’t talk to her about my work, basic household needs, school and homework…

notably absent from this is her own interests. Why would your work be the first thing you think about talking with your child about?

So clever in many ways that she outsmarted her way out of doing well in school.

I consider this a valid strategy, if sometimes self-sabotaging

"She took up habitual lying…” “It’s that imagination,” Jasmine said.  “She had no outlet.  She stopped art, and she had nothing, so she started telling stories.”

...hmmm. Well obviously she can't do this now, and doesn't seem to need it, but I'm curious what was going on with that, if it was really just an over-active imagination.

Also, man but everything Brett says about Verona is framed in a negative light

Except, I suppose I’m lucky she’s slow to develop. She’s the most kid-like of the three, I think. A late bloomer.

hahahahahaha

“When she and Lucy were old enough to know how to navigate the web but young enough to not know about internet history, let’s just say the searches I saw raised a few eyebrows.  Only when Verona was there.”

yeah that tracks. Both for Verona's character and for that age range

“I thought about one of those wilderness survival retreats.  You know those?  Send the kid out into the woods to rough it, disconnect from technology and outside influences, make them build their own fires, teach them self-reliance and discipline, respect for authority?”

oh hate that. And I liked camping as a kid! But why the fuck are you bringing "respect for authority" into perfectly good outside time

He said that as much as I or Lucy might want to look at this as a resolution, a release, it isn’t. All of that stress and worry and lack of resolution is still there. It’s not fixed or better. She’s certainly not happier or healthier in the wake of it.

:( I'd like to think she got some closure from it... but she certainly isn't less stressed, though there are obviously extenuating circumstances

“I wanted to ask about Julie Hardy,” Connor said. “Going back to the subject of influences-”

...and this would be the catch with Avery's dad. And also the reason why Ms. Hardy's been so careful about interacting with her.

I was awkward and struggled and I tried on a lot of different hats and explored a lot of different identities as a way of diagnosing and trying to fix what was wrong with me.  When it was just regular puberty.

:|

“Avery has expressed some concerns to her mom.  I was hoping to get a clear picture about why, but… Brett’s take is only half a picture, isn’t it?”

good that they're talking about this, and not taking him at face value

Verona takes in stuff and digests it privately, and her mom’s similar to her in that. The thought processes behind the scenes can be impenetrable sometimes.

hmm. Not sure what I have to say here, but I want to leave a not for myself about similarities between Verona and her mother. Wonder if that's making things with her dad worse?

“I just-” Jasmine started, stopped, shook her head.  “If she’s going to be pushed to take action, I want it to be later.  When she’s equipped, educated, grounded and secure in herself.  Change the world, you know?”

I have some bad news for you about what's going on this summer

“And if you don’t have those things, that grounding, education, preparation, what happens?  Another Paul incident.”

or considerably worse

OH! New section! Lore section! Murderer section! Going to analyze this excruciatingly:

Non-italics likes John, which narrows it down to the Kennet Others (no one else knows him). "Everything falls into place" so there's more than just power at stake? Both Kennet and "the rest of us" are taken care of (wording seems to imply once italics takes the seat). Who is that? The rest of the Kennet Others? There's not all that many of them.

Hmm! “The girls. Miss picked some scarily good ones." This would imply to me that Miss was not part of their group. I'd already been leaning towards her not being involved, but this is further confirmation.

italics doesn't want to kill them. General antipathy to violence (would be weird for someone aiming for a war seat) or good feelings to them in particular?

italics was also opposed to the school. OH! finally answer to something someone asked me way back when I was speculating about why Miss picked the girls: if she was trying to keep them controlled, why give them access to the school. Well besides the fact that I'm less suspicious of Miss now, going to the school gives them access to knowledge and power that isn't routed through the murder suspects.

"playing our parts"... kinda makes me think Fae, but that's a tenuous connection. And "we all"... so there's more than just these two.

Very ominous all over!

[aurelim]

It always makes me so happy when I see someone sharing my opinions about not liking ROs getting together or with "NPCs" if not romanced! I HATE it. It's one of the tropes I hate the most in IF and visual novels. Of course, I have nothing against people who like it, cause tastes! But it makes me very uneasy unless it's something the player can actively influence. I'm fine with it if it happens only if the MC matchmakes actively, and wouldn't happen "passively" on a playthrough in which the MC doesn't push for it to happen.

If it's "mandatory" it stresses me out. I don't even think it's "jealousy" per se for me though! More like... Well most of the time when I play a game, I will ONLY have one single "canon playthrough", and that means I will only ever romance one of the ROs. Sometimes I'm truly interested in more than one, but I always struggle with forcing myself to romancing another one, since I feel like "betraying" the first RO and "cheating" on them. It feels pretty awful (and because of my canon playthrough thing, I can't make multiple MCs either, or I will feel like I'm "robbing my first MC out of their story"). In very rare instances I manage to force myself to romance more than one character, but the guilt is always strong. And well, if this cheating on the ROs makes me uneasy, the RO "cheating on the MC" too makes it 100 times worse. It both manages to strenghten my guilt, and also makes me feel uneasy in regard to that romance happening with the RO and another character.

Not only that, but there is another aspect - realism is not what I'm looking for when reading IF or VNs. I LIKE the fact the MC is actually the MAIN character, the one the story revolves around. I love how "special" the romances feel if well written, how "made for each other" the MC and their RO may feel. But if the RO can just end up with someone else on another path, and "bypass" all the struggle and highs and lows they went through with the MC and just be just as happy with someone else... well, it's disheartening, because suddenly the romance with the MC doesn't mean much anymore, and is in a way "inferior" to that other romance.

Anyway, sorry for the rant! Long story short, I'm happy you share my feelings!

Oh haha I'm glad you can relate!

The way I play IFs, I usually self-insert. Rare when so many use their own MCs, but I just like seeing my name used in the game LOL. I think I can understand if you feel like you are cheating on your first chosen RO if you go for another. But personally I do not get attached that way. What I do is save, see what the romance option is like, reload the old save and then continue playing. Or I use the back button if available.

I try not to get too attached to a character. That can be hard if the character is well-written. In A Tale of Crowns I could not imagine romancing anyone other than X. Although I tried A and also loved that route too. My heart was all in for X despite this. Don't feel like you're cheating! At the end of the day, IFs are games with insanely good writing and especially if it is a demo you can always replay again! Then again, if the demo is long it may feel like a chore to go back. I've certainly done demos where I wanted to try another route but didn't since that would mean I'd have to restart to the beginning.

I read arguments about how romancing an RO makes it feel special when MC and RO go through a journey of self-discovery. Arguably one of the best things about romance in a game, right? Everyone loves to see that. But for some, if a RO falls in love with someone else and appears to have no self-discovery like MC and them did in a romance route, then it is disheartening.

I don't think of it as disheartening or inferior. Maybe there is problems in the background that the MC does not know about. The RO appears happier with this someone else but there may be underlying problems. There is no such thing as a perfect, happy relationship. In fact, if the MC and RO go through struggles then it is the sign of a healthy relationship! Whatever is going on with the RO and that someone else--that "perfect" relationship will soon show its flaws. From there they would have to work it out.

As you can see, I have written a response that matches your rant. Hope this makes you feel less bad about yourself!

(also i see you have made at least three asks to me and at this point with this subject now up I have to know--which RO from ATOL are you going to romance????)

[doevademe]

Hiii. I've read all your percico fanfictions, I love them all! But I have a special place in my heart for "How to defy fate". Even thought it's a deconstruction of the soulmate concept, I've never read something so romantic! Love is a choice and only devoted action can make it last the course of time.

In this story, I think I found my favorite of your characterisations of Percy. I love how it's focused so much on him, his past, how it shaped his view on soulmates and his approach to "love" and how it mirrors his arc as the child of the prophecy in the canon series. He wants to defy his fate and live the way he attends to, only for it to catch him nonetheless but still fights an emerges victorious because you can't drown a son of Poseidon haha! (I apologize for this pun🙏).

An other thing I greatly appreciated is how active he was in pursuing Nico. It's always so satisfying when (contrary to canon) it's Percy who does the pursuing, the pining, it's Percy who keeps being by Nico's side even if it means just being his friend because, like he told Will, he would gladly be anything for Nico as long as the boy wishes so, than being nothing at all to him, and that's just glorious.

Seeing Nico through Percy's lovesick pov, cooing at how adorable he is even (especially) when he nerds about his interests and making it his life mission to get him to blush, just always brings me so much joy because I love Nico and getting to love him through a character's pov makes me even happier. It's only justice at this point after his canon treatment. That boy deserves the world, and to see Percy treating him with such tenderness like he's the most precious thing in the universe and how he fights for their relashionship soothes that ache.

Another thing that gets me is how you portray everyday/casual settings, your style fits so good when writting Percy and Nico just being boyfriends (Like Nico tending to Percy during a hangover, them just watching the myhtomagic show and teasing each other, them discussing Percy's job perspective and their views on soulmates) makes me wish you would write about their whooooooooooole life together! I think you're the best at portraying their already established relationship. Please write the Percico bible🙏🙏🙏🙏 pretty please.

Media in general don't portray romance unless there's drama and reading about people just enjoying each other in mondain settings is a rare thing (in addition to anchoring them as THE couple we should root for, and not the "destined ones") and I'm a sucker for it. A lot struggle at portraying it but you bring it to life so easilyand and vividly while making their conversations interesting and fluid without feeling forced at all, blatantly obvious how these two love each other!

Also I appreciated that comment at Will's empty apartment as a jab for him being devoid of personality, had to hold my laughter to not wake up people 😁I could go on and on and on like that but I feel like I've took too much place already.

Please keep showing us how Percy falls in love with Nico and makes him blush like a school girl, that's the one piece lacking in canon. Thanks for being awesome 👌

I forgot to mention! Comparing Annabeth and Nico, a soulmate and a chosen, to a lullaby and an aria was a stroke of genius.

A lullaby is familiar, comfortable gets you all warm and fluffy inside but listening to it over an over gets boring and will lose it's charm with repetition. It's good from time to time like catching up with an old friend but in too much doses you'd just get tired of seeing their face xD.

Meanwhile, an aria, a complexe italian opera, would take you years of listening again and again to get to understand. Each time you hear it you discover something new, a new detail that wasn't there before. It's epic and full of range of emotions and gets your heart racing and head spinning with heat getting to it. (That's my actual experience when listening opera). You're attracted to it despite not speaking the language at first and then you learn it and it's better than what you could have imagined.

At least that's how I understood it when reading x)

If it ain't the most beautiful love declaration, I don't know what is! Can't believe I missed on telling you that in the last post!

Honestly, I've been speechless about this one. Thank you so much! How to Defy Fate was basically me trying to make a Soulmate AU have an interesting romantic plot with stakes and obstacles. I'm very proud of it, and I'm glad you liked it.

As for the "Percico bible" part I'm not sure if you mean like, an old school ship manifesto, or a fanfic that basically shapes the ship's fanon (like Nico's mismatched shoes from Kiss a Boy in Tokyo Town). If the former, that would take... a while to produce, and if it's the latter, it's more up to the fandom than me 😉

[captain-astors]

So forewarning re spoilers, and this contains nothing legitimately interesting or important, it's simply that the only friend I've dragged along into TG hell isn't far enough in the manga to rant to, (Said friend if you're seeing this look away) so I'm shouting into the void as one does.

The Tsukiyama extermination arc (I think that's what it's called) has me DISTRAUGHT how did we go from flashbacks of dancing in the rain in a happier time to Kanae and Shuu's tragic extreme devotion destroying them, to the tentative prospect of improvement (Or I could've just been ignorantly hoping) to Kanae being put through hell because Eto went "hmm interesting" to almost everyone Shuu loves being eradicated and unwarranted cousin inc*st??? For some reason? (Tangent time, small highlight was the cool moment of Shuu telling Haise and by extension Kaneki that he doesn't care about him anymore, or at least not enough to just give up and make all the sacrifices for his life worthless. It's unfortunate that he never really stood a chance in this fight, frenchman got thrown on a rooftop with arguably the two strongest ghouls in the story thus far after having been shown mere chapters before to struggle to even stand due to his terrible genes and bad eating. Frankly it's a miracle he didn't get lightly bonked on the head and die on the spot.) Also Kanae makes me a bit less irritated than Mutsuki with their writing, because at least it's not trying to say it's some kind of twisted coping mechanism, but it would've been cool if they were actually trans instead of pretending for social standing or something, even though TG has established that ghouls can differentiate the genders of ghouls by their scent? So that would be functionally pointless? Except in front of humans? Which Kanae has been show to not care about the opinions of whatsoever? So why bother unless you actually don't identify with that gender? WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Do they wear a bunch of perfume or something? That'd be pretty funny actually. I don't know. These chapters broke me. Why is Kaneki and Shuu's dynamic development "That monster doesn't deserve you" (the monster is Shuu) to "That monster doesn't deserve you" (the monster is Kaneki). You were supposed to advance not travel in a circle. Why is this story okay with inc*st but not anything that isn't 100% cis and straight. I'm reclaiming Kanae as my trans son along with Mutsuki, come with me boys I'll treat you better. Chie is the absolute best. I need to go lay down. Anyone who read this for some reason I hope you enjoyed watching me cycle through the 5 stages of grief in real time. I had to trim this down several times to avoid making it completely nonsensical emotional ranting. Expect Tsukiyama art from me in the near future.

[alostlittleriverlotus]

I've Actually Healed

I did a cluster b personality disorder question thing (privately) and some of the answers I gave were validating. Like asking about caring about looks or what a bad episode can be like or some really negative aspects. I got to say "no" or "not anymore" or "used to be, but not now" and it was all so validating. I doubt myself a lot even though I know that I'm healing. But the fact that I could write about how it used to be and have PROOF just by answering questions that I've changed was a wonderfully validating thing. I sent the link to my friend so they could read and they told me they were proud of me. I HAVE made progress, I HAVE healed in some way. I can cope with things better, I have medications that help my hormonal mood swings (birth control) and anxiety meds that help me not be a ball of pure anxiety unable to relax forever. I have some coping mechanisms I've picked up, I have ways to rationalize and understand my emotions I've picked up from therapy sessions, and I've come to unbag my trauma and understand my own reactions, my own triggers everything. It's been 2 years at least (the pandemic in 2020 was a big reason I could start focusing on myself without pressure) and I have changed a lot. I came out to myself, I came out to my friends and my gf, I accepted I had these disorders, I got on medication, I got help for my PCOS, I became educated on racial issues, I found neopronouns that fit me and help me, I learned about tone indicators and began using them, I had a friend on twitter that was the inspiration for me to come out. I've done so much for myself in two years. Many older folks (like my family) may look at me like I have done nothing because I basically almost never work and all I do is stay in my room or text friends, but I feel happier than I used to be...

I feel happy with who I am and I feel more free than ever before.

And that is such an empowering and wonderful feeling. The recent move has helped a lot as well. Since I have a TV in my room, I don't have to get anxious about what I watch since I don't have to worry about my parents coming in. I've processed a lot of my grief and trauma. MA and I are both working on helping ourselves and each other and healing. My relationships with all my friends and my gf are better than ever. People may look at me like I've done nothing, like I'm a failure because I don't work or go to college, or like I'm some entitled brat, but I know exactly what I am doing. I am paying attention to my needs. My diet is better than ever, physical issues like IBS and PCOS are more manageable than ever before, I've expanded my interests into things I thought I'd never try, I'm learning what I need to do for my physical health, I am wearing clothes that fit, I don't rely on self harm, I can open up, I am reigniting my love of reading and can get lost in stories like I used to. I AM better. Just because those boomers don't see it doesn't mean it isn't true.

And so let me finish this with a reminder. It is okay to take time off, it is okay to need to do what you can. It is okay to pay attention to your needs. You do not need to apologize for feeling emotions. Of course if you lose your temper, apologies make sense, but not at a point where you're guilting yourself. This has been important in mine and MA's relationship as we both struggle with blaming ourselves. It is okay to not be perfect. It is okay to not be where your peers are. My friends ARE able to go to college (most of em) and to work and I still see them struggling. A friend of mine has recently moved to a college in another city, a few hours away. I miss her tons and even if she is stressed and it sucks, I know that this is something she's wanted. Why? Because she's away from her family. So even if college sucks, it can still provide an escape if you can manage to move. MA got to spend time with their boyfriend a lot cause they went to college together, got lunch and dinner together, and rode the bus together. My friend R and I can't do those things like my friends can, but R walks dogs and is improving their health and they also pet sit for neighbors. I sometimes work doordash and I can exercise better than before and am improving my diet to be healthier. Just because R and I aren't in college or working normal, regular jobs doesn't mean we've failed because we are better. MA and C might be in college and might struggle because of school and work, but it also provides them freedom from their families and benefits to their mental health. There's pros and cons to everything and what works for you is unique to you. And some people have to work due to capitalism and not having the support that R and I have (despite our toxic family members) and that's entirely valid as well. This whole rant is to say:

Believe in yourself and do what is best for you. Whether it's getting away, what is possible underneath capitalism, small things for your physical or mental health, small coping mechanisms, just taking a fucking break. Whatever it may be, you know your needs best. Your life is unique to you, your needs and necessities, where you are in life. Even if it fits into the mold that is expected of us or whether it lies outside or whether you're disabled and have no choice, it is something you can choose for yourself.

I am disabled due to my disorders, that's why I cannot work. Nobody understands that aside from my gf and friends. But that's okay. Because I am healing :) and I am proud of myself. This is my experience, these are the experiences of my close friends. They are all different in their own way. Even if the jobs sucked and stressed C out, they were able to move away and have some freedom from their family. I know it'll be good for em even if it hurts that it happened so quickly. Your path is yours.

And to anyone struggling, I love you and I'm proud of you. You don't need to justify being worthy of love or just existing. You deserve to hear those words even if you've done nothing. Because you're here and that is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

[lestappenforever]

For the get to know the writer asks: 2, 9, 21, 40, 43, 45 and 59 pleeeeeaaaase

Hi darling! Thank you so much for this. ❤️

2. Do you plan each chapter ahead or write as you go? Honestly, a little of both? I'm not really good at planning the entire plot of a fic or chapter ahead of time, but I usually have the major plot points all somewhat figured out before I sit down and start writing. But to be honest, most of my chapters and fics in general are somewhere between 15-30% planned out before I start writing, and the rest is just made up as I go.

9. Do you comment on stories you read? I do! I know how happy it makes me to get comments on my work, so I do my very best to always leave a comment on fics I read and enjoy.

21. Would you ever collaborate with another writer for a story? Absolutely! I actually collaborated with an old friend on a McFly fanfic years ago, and it was so much fun! I actually found it easier to write my parts because I got inspired by reading hers, and I would definitely love to do that again.

40. If someone were to make fanart of your work, what fic or scene would you like to see? Oh, God, I would literally lose my fucking mind with joy if anyone made fanart of anything I've written, regardless of the fic or scene. It would be the biggest honor ever.

But, if anyone were to make fanart to literally any part of "Devils Roll The Dice (Angels Roll Their Eyes)", or the wedding sequel "Like Snow At The Beach (Weird But Fucking Beautiful)", I would probably sponatenously combust. The proposal in the epilogue with the lounge full of stuffed dolphins is definitely an absolute favorite that I would really love to see visualized in fanart, or the moment right before Max walks out on Charles after Charles breaking his heart.

Honestly, though, any fanart of any moment in any piece of fiction I've ever written would make my whole life.

43. Do you take a sadistic joy in whumping your characters, or are you more the "If you hurt them I would kill everyone then myself" kind of person? I would probably say both? I mean, nothing makes me happier than writing my characters being happy, but at the same time I do enjoy making them suffer emotionally at various times and in various situations. But whenever I do make my characters suffer while writing, I'm also sitting there, staring at the pain I've inflicted upon them and fighting the urge to both kill everyone then myself. It's a very contradicting emotion to be honest.

45. Do you want to break your readers' heart or make them laugh? Definitely both. I love being able to make my readers laugh and giggle and kick their feet with my words, but I also absolutely adore making their precious little hearts shatter in their chests. It depends on the plot of whatever I'm working on, and what kind of mood I'm in while writing. The more emotional and sad I feel while writing, the more heartbreaking I want my fics to be.

59. Does anyone in your personal life know you write fics? If not, would you tell anyone? I've actually made quite a few online friends through fic writing, so they obviously know about it. But as for people in my life that I actually physically see on a regular basis, only a select few of them know about it. Most of the people in my life know I enjoy writing, but they don't know exactly what that entails. It's not because I'm ashamed of it in any way, shape or form - it's simply because the vast majority of them don't share my interests and therefore would literally not care about my fic writing. One of the people who do know about it, though, is actually my older sister! She's an avid fic reader and we share all the same interests and ships, so she loves reading my work.

[nodeathissuffering]

August

Loneliness. Once again you seep into my bones reminding me of my humanity.

The month of August was quite an interesting experience for me in 2023. For the most part I found myself high for almost half the month. I bought a 30-pack of edibles thinking that they'd last me more than a month. Sadly, I devoured all thirty of them in less than two weeks. Weed has been both a savior for me as much as it's been a curse. Though it has alleviated part of what ails me, the aftermath is much more severe. My mentality is burdened by my lack of work ethic on the things that I wish to achieve. Streaming, making content, writing. Every time I try it all seems to fall apart before me. It could be a result of self-sabotage and often times I think that is the result. A symptom of depression that ceases to be quelled no matter how much effort I put into attempting to live my life. Expectations so high that they burrow into my skin as they scar my insides as well as my flesh. I can say that I am making small improvements here and there. It's just that nothing seems to suffice. I discourage myself easily and at my worst it just seems as if I'm not even in my own body. This is especially true when I have panic or anxiety attacks. Upon witnessing the nervous breakdown, things just seem to happen. Things that I most often regret. It is up to me to learn from them and to not let depression, anxiety, or whatever else deter me from living my life. My progress reaffirms this though I just wish it was more. I wish I could explode from these shackles and make content but often times these chains tie me to my bed or to the shower or to my car or anywhere else that's warm. I may love the cold but an embrace is what I desire most.

Most of my improvements come in the form of self-care. It might be disgusting to say but there were times in the past where I wouldn't shower or brush my teeth. There were times where I wasted money on eating out because I sought comfort the only way I knew how. The companionship that I once sought through friends, family, lovers, are often times pushed away. This results in me deleting my social media or changing my phone number. To this day I still question if the people that care for me truly do but I know better now that this is just me choosing to stay in my head of all places. My head; where negativity bounces around almost continuously, almost infinitely. One changes I've made to help thwart this is by moving back home. In the four years that I've lived in Texas I can say that I have not made a lasting relationship. All of my work friends I've pushed away. All of my lovers would either choose to block me as a result of my volatility or I would block them because I grew disgusted with myself. Abhorred by the conditions which already choke me and preferring to not let the monster that I see in the mirror be freed. A beast reminiscent of my brother and all of the flaws he carries. His narcissism, manipulation, anger, and other abominable behaviors. In my adult life, these have grown into my worst fears as I know these are cogs to what keep me isolated. Moving back home with my friends, though not the best situation, is certainly a lot better than where I was. I do feel happier here but even so loneliness proceeds to invade my mind. That emotion perverts my thoughts of them at times. Mostly this is spawned from their sometimes inconsiderate nature but at the same time I am aware that I can act the same. It reaffirms one of my goals in that I wish to live by myself or, at the very least, not live in their sun room. I have 11 more months of this which does fill me with some excitement and hopefully I can achieve this once that time comes.

As far as my book goes, my biggest improvement seems to be dedicating an expensive notebook to writing down all of my ideas. Most times I will delete all of the progress I've made on writing particular parts because my story continues to evolve with every form of inspiration I absorb. Though they have yet penetrated paper I am confident that, at the very least, it could lead to a very compelling, very ambitious story. Writing for me has been a therapy of sorts. It distracts me from pain that continues to define my being. Continues to prevent me from living my life. I try motivate myself to write something everyday whether it be poetry or my book, short stories, my journal, and even on here. This has proved to be a positive experience for me as I have not seen most of my past habits seem to have dissipated. Of course, the real test will come when I have an anxiety or panic attack. I hope I can prove my past self wrong by behaving more like myself. More like the person I want to be.

As far as streaming and making content goes, I have found that recording youtube videos is a lot easier when I'm high. This might be because I'm less critical of the product but at the same time I still need to be wary that I still need to keep the content that I have and no delete it later. That seems to be a big problem as I am quite the perfectionist. Streaming is a different story. I need to defeat the anxiety that comes before me even attempting to stream. I get in my head beforehand and often times talk myself out of it. It reminds me of a time where I needed to take a self-injected shot for one of my diseases and I ended up hyperventilating. This is something else that I need to learn to attack in the future when I am in a better position to do so as it is one of the things that also impedes me from living my life. It doesn't affect me from making content however as that is all mental so hopefully I can take the steps necessary to achieve this as well. The same can be said for keeping social media. I don't know how to use social media..... like, at all. Often times I delete accounts not only as a way to disappear but also because I stop liking the things that I post. It seems as if I can't win in that regard even when I do make multiple accounts to fulfill both of the ways that I wish to use it. I try to stay off social media as a result which unfortunately doesn't help me either since I know that I'm addicted to using it. It does provide a boost of serotonin for me which, as a result of my depression, makes it even harder for me to quit. What I need to do is make profiles just to promote the things that I wish to do while occasionally posting something real. Maybe one of these days I will achieve such things.

Right now, and for as long as I can remember in my adult life, I lack focus. Focus is relative to my time management as well as my stress management. Often times, when I'm overly anxious or nervous about something I'll find myself just not doing anything except doomscroll through social media (which is another reason why I decided to leave temporarily since I am obviously letting it affect me to much). If I can just focus and take things day by day, eat properly, sleep well, cook for myself, while also allowing myself to pursue these side projects then I think I'll be ok. It's easier said than done and making improvements is one thing but I wonder how impactful it would be if I applied myself just a little more. If I could exert more effort into these things. If these things are possible then I can truly claim that in those moments that I am unstoppable. Until then, I have another pack of edibles, I have my crazy work schedule to abide by, and I have temptation to thwart before it tramples me any further. Hopefully next month I can provide something more substantial in ascertaining these goals of mine. Next time I might be able to talk more about the other exploits in my life and not allow inconsistent things or inconsistent people impede my ambitions. Hopefully, I won't feel the need to delete this post like I've done all the others. All I can say is that we will see.