#off then well... but anyway i took one today 12 hours after i usually take it bc my brain was being shitty to me and i needed peace and

[bunnyb34r]

Kinda hilarious how amphetamines can make people with ADHD feel sleepy where anyone else would be bouncing off the fucking walls

Our brains are like mmm finally I don't have to search for dopamine... I sleep now 😌

And other people's brains are like HOLY SHIT LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[heartlilith]

My Placements and How They Manifest

Capricorn Ascendent:

My mother told me that when she gave birth to me, it was worse than my other 3 other siblings by far. She had to be induced because there was no sign of me wanting to come out into the world (lol). She said she was in labor for hours and when I finally came out, she started hemorrhaging. It wasn't fatal obviously because she's alive today but yeah, I kind of associate that with my Capricorn rising. Still to this day, change is very uncomfortable for me especially if I have no control over what's happening. My childhood was great until my mom divorced my dad and remarried, that's when shit went south! I had new siblings, a stepfather, and had to see my dad heartbroken while also battling melanoma and being laid off (2008 recession). My sister stayed with him and I went with my mom. They were always fighting and spiting each other but it was my sister and I that missed out. It was always "what is your father saying about me?" yada yada yada. Growing up, I was bullied by my sister a lot, in my opinion, it was more than the usual sibling fights. My mom also took a lot of her anger out on me; she ended up getting a divorce not too long after remarrying, became an alcoholic and filed for bankruptcy. Being a Capricorn rising and dealing with the backlash of that, I always have money saved, ALWAYS. I'm like a squirrel hiding nuts I stg. If I'm completely broke I'm an anxious mess. It's also why I strive to be independent and self sufficient. It's why I manifest being filthy rich. High school was terrible tbh and I battled with depression and anxiety. College was a lot better and moving away from my mom and chaotic family did me well, I went from a 2.6 GPA in high school to 3.85 in college. Rereading this it sounds kinda like a sob story and that's not what I'm trying to accomplish so I'm just going to move on.

1st House Neptune, Uranus, Lilith:

I made a separate post either on here or Reddit about how my features have changed so much over the years. As a child, my hair was blonde then it turned blonde/red in late elementary school. Since then, it's turned darker and darker through the years. Now it's dark brown. My eyes were dark blue as a child and now they're light green - I attribute this to Uranus and Neptune being on my Ascendent. In my opinion, I'm not photogenic at all (Cap rising?) and I think I look different in every picture I take or is taken of me. With Lilith being in my first house, I was sexualized a lot growing up by older guys/men. And also bullied by boys my age; I remember they thought I was "too girly". Guys, I shit you not after I had enough of it, I started showing up with boy shorts and those tank tops guys wear HAHAHA to be more of a "tomboy"... I'm not really sure what that is but yeah, I must've been 10 or 12 or something. People would always say "it's because they have a crush on you/because they like you!" and I would be so confused. Nowadays, I think I rub some people, specifically men, the wrong way and they dislike me for "no reason", or maybe they have a reason but they never come out and say it. My Uranus in the 1st shows up as being quirky I guess? I'm not really sure. Maybe it's that my parents were never disciplinary at all, I could do whatever I wanted. At the time I loved it but deep down I think I wanted to them to care, so I would act more and more reckless. Today, maybe that sets me apart. One last thing about Neptune/Uranus in the 1st is that I can't stand to see people treating people/animals/or what have you, the wrong way. I can't even watch Youtube videos of animals starting off abused... even if the videos end with them being happy and healthy, I CAN'T DO IT. It deeply disturbs me.

Side Note (1st House Lilith):

As a small child I was obsessed with being naked all the time and skinny dipping LMFAO like it was a problem. Luckily there were no creeps and I was fine but would this placement indicate that in anyway? Let me know because it doesn't really fit with my Capricorn rising.

(I'm really sorry this post is so long and detailed I think I'm having word vomit)

Virgo Moon:

As a child I was really reserved and "chill". I already talked about my relationship with my mom and she was critical and whatever. One thing that sticks out about this placement is that she would always push the idea on me to "stay pure" and to "stay innocent", especially when I was a teen. Always pushing this on me. Always telling her friends I was "naive" and yeah maybe I was in a sense. I don't know it's weird how that fits. My mom wasn't all bad though. She definitely had many faults but she was a great mom in certain aspects. Growing up, I realized she's just a human like me, with problems of her own. I don’t hold it against her. Today, my Virgo moon makes me sooo anxious and worrisome. I definitely see the negative qualities it brings but the good qualities out weigh them. I love buying people gifts and I'm a great gift giver if I do say so myself. With my Capricorn rising and Virgo moon, I hate PDA and it can be hard for me to be lovey dovey (even with all my Leo), so I show love by buying gifts - kind of like my dad. My parents were never there for me emotionally but they bought me great gifts hahaha, I guess that's why. Also I tend to "mother" my partners; I do their laundry, do the cleaning, make their doctor appointments, and take care of them in a sense - like my mom did for me. Writing this out I can now see why I am the way I am lol.

Moon square Jupiter, Pluto, and Saturn:

Ooooff. Well I won't dive into it too much. I will say it affects my mental health greatly and I've had a lot of trouble in that department. My Moon square Jupiter really makes my moods go up and down. Like high highs and low lows for sure. I try to look at it positively even though it's hard sometimes. Having the high highs brings out my inner child (Jupiter in the 5th). When I'm happy I'm really happy and giggling and silly. And of course the flip side is low low :( But I like the high highs so I deal. Also with this, I tend to avoid being sad at all costs. All costs. I'm a true escape artist when it comes to emotions. With Pluto and Saturn squaring my Moon, I am infact a MOODY BITCH. LOL, hey at least I can admit it. It brings intrusive thoughts, obsessive thinking, insecurity, and guilt with it too - all that great stuff. Moving on.

Cancer Mercury:

I like my Cancer Mercury a lot, even though it's paired with my all my Leo placements which can make me a ~smidge~ dramatic. I wasn't the best student in high school but I did take the hardest English courses they offered, which in hindsight saved my GPA lol. In college, I studied English with a concentration in creative writing. I mostly wrote and studied poetry which I loved so much. I'm a great listener and if I could write an advice column I would. I love how my Cancer Mercury makes me empathetic and how I'm able to put myself in anyone's shoes. One negative about this placement is that I get hurt easily (paired with Leo Sun and Virgo Moon esp), but I won't let you know I'm hurt, I'll just get angry and mean. I don't like that about myself and I wish I was more vulnerable in that aspect but it's easier to be angry than sad... right?

Leo Venus and Mars:

After talking about all the above placements, my Leo side is definitely my ray of sunshine in a way. I feel like with my Virgo Moon and the aspects it makes, it kinda settles my Leo ego. That's not to say I don't have an ego, I definitely do... just look at this post it's all about meee :) I have pictures of when I was 3-6 years old and flexing my muscles hahaha and I thought I was so strong I would go around and show everyone that I could pick my mom and older sister up. So weird. Other than that, when I dislike someone I tend to go on rant for awhile about everything I dislike about them. My least favorite thing is when someone makes me feel inferior or small, that will put me on 10 easily. I don't get mad all that much, it takes a lot but when I do get mad, I see red. Maybe cause I have Mars at 0 degrees. I do get over things quickly though, emotionally anyway, but I do hold a grudge. Also yesss, I have Leo hair. It's long and thick and hard to manage. Growing up, my mom would never let me color or cut it and I'm kinda glad now looking back on it.

8th house Moon & Venus:

This is why I hold grudges hahaha. In my opinion, the 8th house can be hard to understand/put into words until you experience it (in synastry, transit, natal, etc), then you just know. With Venus here, every person I'm romantically involved with transforms me but also takes a piece of me as well. In my experience with the 8th house, you can gain a lot of good things but it comes with a price. Whether its a mix of my placements or just these placements specifically, love really hurts! Break ups have put me in dark dark places. When I do love someone, I want to merge with them, like become "one" if that makes sense. So when it comes to an end, I have a huge hole left. In my life, this has manifested as when I ran away from home to a different state and ghosted my family and friends just to get back together with my boyfriend, all on a whim. I'd give it all up for someone I love. With Virgo Moon being in my 8th house, my anxiety mixes with my obsessive behavior which manifests as dermotillamania. I struggle with it so bad. I'm working on it but yeah that's kinda interesting looking from an astrological sense. Moon in the 8th house gives me great intuition though... I'm always right about the vibes. But this comes at the cost of feeling things extremely deeply.

Scorpio MC:

This is another placement that I like about my chart because my Capricorn rising makes me come off as intimidating and my MC makes people see me as powerful and mysterious. I don't know if people actually see me this way but even it being a possibility gives me like Olivia Benson vibes. I love her. Anyway, one thing I will say is I don't have social media anymore and haven't for years (besides Tumblr and Reddit) because I really value my privacy. I don't like people knowing things about me unless I decide to share it with them, even small things. Tumblr and Reddit are okay in my mind because I don't know anyone in real life. But even this post I'm already thinking of deleting and I haven't even posted it yet lol. When I did have social media, I would overshare and then delete the post an hour later. I was always deleting pictures and revamping my aesthetic. I became obsessed with likes and comments and scrolling that it was too much and I didn't like the power it had over me. Something else that I think manifests from my MC is that I love psychology, astrology, and things that tie into personalities.

5th house Jupiter & Saturn:

It always confused me on how to interpret having Saturn, the planet of limitations and responsibility, and Jupiter, the planet of expansion and luck, in the same house. I thought that they canceled each other out in a way, or level each other out... is a better way of putting it.  I actually messaged @astrosky33 and asked how they interpret it. Her (?) answer was interesting and made a lot of sense. Jupiter and Saturn in the same house gives off both energies at the same time (why didn't I think of that? lol). So for the 5th house, in terms of my hypothetical kids, I would be a parent that has fun and is silly but also strict in some ways and responsible. One way Saturn in my 5th house manifests is that I don't want to do anything creative unless I feel it's productive in some way, which I don't like about myself. Meaning, I don't want to read a book if the genre is fantasy, I would rather read non-fiction or a self help book; something that I can learn from. Also, I really like hobbies where I can produce something, like making candles or making spell jars. If I can make money from a hobby that I love then even better. Jupiter in the 5th house manifests as being child-like and also loving kids. If things are going well and I'm happy, then I can be excited and goofy like a child. If things aren't going well, then I can throw a tantrum like a child. I love kids because my early childhood was the best time of my life before life hit me upside the head (lol). This past Halloween, I made goodie bags for the trick or treaters and got so excited when the doorbell rang. I don't know, I just want to protect kids and shield them from the bad in the world. Kids, out of everyone, deserve to be happy.

Sun sextile Jupiter:

Things tend to work out for me, well, as of lately anyway. I struggled a lot growing up and I was always wishing my life were different. I couldn't wait to leave home. Now, I have a boyfriend who I love very much and we live very comfortably. I have a great job and I am so much happier than I was before. Of course, life isn't always perfect and there are problems at every turn. I wish I could go back in time and tell 15 year old me that everything is going to be okay, more than okay actually. I have a dog and two kittens who I love very much and I'm very fortunate to have the life that I do. I try to stay positive because there's no point in being negative and sulking all the time. Plus, you never know what can happen so be thankful for what you have, even if in your eyes, it isn't enough. I believe in being nice to people, you never know how far one act of kindness can go. Lord knows I needed it during some pretty tough times in my life.

Venus square Saturn (TW: Eating disorder, drug use, phobias):

Going back to having fear of abandonment and being uncomfortable with PDA... well here is the culprit. Or some of the culprit. Since Venus is in my 8th house, I feel like this aspect plays into my fear of my family dying, more specifically, my parents. Whenever I visit home and I see they look a little older, move a little slower, I get really sad. Their birthdays are supposed to be for celebrating but I can't help but get sad. It takes over me and I obsess about what I'm going to do when the day comes and they're not here anymore. I put on a brave face though and I buy them nice gifts and send flowers on holidays... but it's always in the back of my mind. This aspect also manifests as having low self esteem and growing up this was very prevalent. I didn't care about myself at all; I did drugs, I put myself into bad situations that I get anxiety just thinking about what could've happened. I had an eating disorder, dated boys that were awful. I'm fortunate that I made it out okay. I still have insecurities today but during that time in my life it was so intense because even as a teen without this aspect, you deal with insecurities. It was like double trouble.  

If you read this far, thank you. I hope it was semi-interesting and Im really curious to know what you guys think. Should I make a part 2? I’m feeling a little “out there” by posting this so I hope it's not too much. Thanks again for taking the time to read this.

(let me know what you think!)

[ughgoaway]

snowed in // day 9

content warnings; bad writing, mentions of weed, swearing and intense yearning lol

a/n; we're just gonna pretend that days 7 & 8 are posted already and move onto day 9 lol. reallllly not sure how i feel about this one... i think i like the idea but not my writing... idk. anyway, shut up ace, here it is!

word count; 2.3k

(this fic takes place pre-relationship)

12 days masterlist

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“Okay okay… paperwork? Yes. homework from last week? Yup. next week's lesson plan…” you mumble to yourself as you gather the papers from your desk in an attempt to be prepared for the few days at home you were sure to come.

You heard rapid knocking at your classroom door and nearly jumped out of your skin at the noise. Who was here? The headmaster had sent out an email cancelling school today, so you assumed it would just be you.

You swung open the door and were met with two hunched-over figures buried in layers upon layers of coats, but you would have recognised the curls sticking out from the hat anywhere.

“Annie? Matty? What are you doing here?” You usher them in and quickly shut the door behind them. Snow fell off their shivering bodies as they shuffled in. 

Annie looked up at her dad with a scrunched face. Matty's voice wavered as he said, “School?” with a tilt of his head.

“The headmaster sent out an email. It was cancelled today. Didn't you get it?” you say bending down and wrapping Annie up in a hug as she shivers in her spot. Your hands rub up and down her covered arms to try and warm her as you look up at Matty with soft eyes. 

“What!” he said incredulously, furiously pulling his phone out of his pocket. Matty took off his hat and shook the remaining snowflakes from his curls as he checked his emails with wide eyes. 

“Fuck.” Matty sighs and drops his arm to his side, throwing his chin up to the air and taking a deep breath. 

“Daddy! You're not allowed to swear at school!” Annie scolded her dad and moved from beneath your arms to look up at him, her hands on her hips. 

You saw Matty fight a smile before apologising to his daughter, “You're right, munchkin, im sorry.” he pulled her into his side and gave her a quick squeeze. 

Matty cleared his throat and stood up fully. He looked you over properly for the first time and couldn't help but feel his heart warm at your outfit.

You, on the other hand, were mortified. 

You were not in your usual professional clothes, instead opting for an oversized snoopy Christmas jumper that looked as if it was from 1985 and some black leggings. Along with a pair of trainers that had your fluffy socks sticking out the top of them. A red flush was on your nose and cheeks from the cold, or the embarrassment. You weren't really sure. 

After dragging his eyes away from you, Matty looked down at Annie, who was clearly stifling a yawn. Her blinks were heavy, and Matty could tell she was fighting sleep. 

“Okay then, I guess we should get home, sweetheart. we can have some hot chocolate and go back to bed, hmm? How does that sound?” Matty squeezed his daughter's hand as he grabbed it. 

A sleepy nod is all he got in response, Annie rubbed at her eyes before giving you a small wave and walking away with Matty. 

The soft Christmas music playing in the background was interrupted by a loud click, the noise of the radio made the three of you spin your heads around confused.

“Emergency weather report; extreme snowfall is expected within the next hour and all roads in the area are closed until further notice. Please stay where you are until further instruction. Thank you.”

The low hum of Christmas music began again after the warning, Matty began pulling his gloves off and bending to unzip Annie's coat. “well I guess we're staying here for a little bit then, aren't we?” he smiled up at you, almost as if he's asking your permission

A nervous nod was all he needed to start looking for a place for Annie to lay down.

//////

20 minutes and 2 attempted beds later, Annie was sprawled over both your laps as you sat on the floor. 

Matty had tried rolling up his coat as a pillow and letting her rest on the carpet, but the only time she began to drift off was when she was sitting in his lap. Matty shyly asked you if she could lay across the two of you, and you giggled in the way Matty loves and nodded. 

So here you were, Annie snoring across the two of you with her dad's coat draped over her as a slightly awkward silence filled the air. An odd wave of confidence rushed over you, and you decided to try and make conversation with Matty. 

After all, it had been a whole 5 minutes since you heard his voice, so you were pining for it.

“What was your first Christmas with Annie like? She can't have been very old?” you ask quietly, watching Matty as he stared down at his sleeping daughter, smoothing her curls with his hand. 

A sincere smile makes its way across his face before Matty speaks, “No she was only a couple of months old, but it's still my favourite Christmas ever. I was fucking drowning as a new dad. It was just me and her that year too, I was way too scared to load her into the car and drive her up to Manchester." Matty shook his head wistfully at the memory.

"I was at that point in new parenthood where you think everything will hurt them. I think I'd baby-proofed every corner of my house, and if you knew what my house looked like; you'd understand how mammoth of a task that is” Matty lightly laughs to himself thinking back to how extreme he was those first few months.

You think to yourself that you want to know what his house looks like. You want to see all the pretentious art he has hanging and the piles of books you've never heard of. You especially want to see it this time of year. See how he decorates. You don't think he is a perfectionist. You can see him and the boys haphazardly decorating the tree with Annie. Holding her up to place the star on and cheering as she does. Taking group pictures with the tree and all saying “cheese!”

Briefly, you envision what it would be like if you were there. Would he take some of the art down and put photos of the three of you? Would he make room in his wardrobe for your crazy jumper collection? Would the shelves currently full of awards be filled with your knicknacks and candles? You imagine him making a special space on his bookcase for the copy of The Little Prince he got you. 

The book sat in the air between you, neither of you has addressed but both know you want to. 

You yearn to explore his space and see how his brain works. You envision Christmas morning waking up in his arms. Perhaps he’d wake you up softly and slowly, pressing lingering kisses to your neck until you stir. Or maybe Annie would come bounding into your room and leap onto the bed, shocking you both awake. 

You like to think you’d go downstairs and make hot chocolates for you all, Matty would kiss you as you made the drinks, and Annie would be trying to drag him away to the tree. The gift you’d get him would be perfect. You don't know what it would be, but you know just how he would react. If you close your eyes, you can envision the soft smile on his face and the adoration in his eyes. You can almost feel his arms wrapping you in a hug and thanking you.

Soon Matty’s voice pulls you out of your thoughts as he recounts his first Christmas with Annie, “she hated the cold when she was really small, so she always looked like a ball of blankets. all you could see was her pink nose stcking out." matty remembers annie sobbing anytime she felt a cold breeze, so he did the only rational thing he could think of whilst painfully sleep deprived - wrap her in 20 layers to keep her happy.

"The day started nice, and all of Annie's uncles and aunts dropped by. George got her a mini drum kit that she wouldn't be able to use for ages, but he would have bought her a real drum kit if I'd let him. Hann, being the only parent, got me an actually good present, a killer baby monitor.” You laugh at Matty's clear enthusiasm with the baby monitor, and he looks at you with his jaw dropped and a smile on his lips.

“Hey! That's a great present, okay? The year before he’d got me some really good weed, so it was a bit of a jump, but I loved it. Ross got her some really cute 75 baby grows, I had no idea there were so many, but he had got her all the old merch made into little onesies.” Matty starts to feel his eyes fogging up at the memory.

He couldn't connect the girl on his lap now with that baby. It felt like no time had passed, but here she was, a proper little person. 

He continued to speak with a wet voice, the emotions clear in each word he said, “But they all had their own things to do so soon enough it was just us. We just laid on the sofa together. She was on my chest and looked up at me with wide eyes and smiled. For the first time ever. All I could see was the reflection of the fairy lights in her eyes and the massive grin on her face. I smiled back and obviously cried. Every time my smile got bigger, hers did too. That was the first time i knew I could do it. I knew she was always going to be the most important thing in my life. I had kind of known that since she was born, but that's when it really hit me.” Your hand slid over Matty’s, he gave your hand a quick squeeze in appreciation and looked into your eyes. You simply nodded at him. 

“That sounds perfect” you whisper, leaning in ever so slightly. Subconsciously, Matty mirrored your actions. He felt an innate understanding of the way you moved and didn't think before following your every motion.

“It was” he said, resting his head on the wall behind him, and just like Matty had done to you moments before; you copied him.

Silence again washed over the two of you, as it always seemed to do when you were together. But it was a warm silence. It felt like silence between two people who had always known each other. Normally, whenever there was a lull, Matty was fighting to fill the empty air, but with you, he felt no need. 

He was happy enough sitting in comfort with you, studying your face trying to find some new aspect he hadn't seen before. 

This time, he noticed a small freckle at the base of your jaw by your ear. He felt his hand twitch with the urge to stroke your jaw and trace it with his thumb. Despite having only thought of your face for months, he still sees something new each time, something for him to think about when he has to go a few days without you.

Unlike Matty, you couldn't drag your stare away from his eyes. You watched them flicker around your face and analyse it, but it didn't faze you. You thought it was nothing more than avoiding eye contact. But Matty's eyes drew you in each time. You tried to think of ways to describe them. Calling them “chocolate” or “chestnut” fell short. It wasn't the colour that caught you. It was some inexplicable force.

Matty couldn't help it anymore, and as if his hand was separate from his body, he saw it moving from beneath yours to your jaw. He watched his thumb trace the side of your face.  His touch was featherlight, and you shivered at the contact but stayed unmoving.

Your skin was soft and smooth, just like he imagined, and Matty felt his heart skip a beat at the feeling of you leaning into his hands. He watched your eyes flutter closed but soon snap open again, as if you had to fight to keep them open. 

His calloused thumb sliding over your cheek was very unexpected, but you couldn't help but immediately settle into the feeling. You wanted to watch his face and try and catch each micro-reaction he had. You needed to see if he was feeling something, too. Anything. 

But his face was almost blank, aside from the very corner of his mouth ticking up just once. Just when your eyes began to shut on their own, lulled into security by his soft touch. 

You felt goosebumps erupt all over your body when his eyes finally met yours. His thumb stopped its motion on your cheek. Your own hand moved up and covered the hand on your face with your own, just as you had done earlier. 

Both of you softly smiled at the contact, a silent understanding that there was something there, but it couldn't happen. There was some ethereal force drawing you in, but you both knew it needed to be ignored.

Right person, wrong time and certainly wrong place. But you could look, and you did.

Staring. Looking. Gazing. It was all you both felt capable of. 

The radio buzzed to life and made you both jump, Annie grumbled and sat up from your laps, rubbing her eyes tiredly. 

“The official met office advice is to get home and prepare for a cold couple of days. Most major roads have been ploughed and are now safe to drive on. Please ensure you go slow and only travel if absolutely necessary. In other news-”

You blanked out the rest of the broadcast but looked back at Matty with a sad smile. He smiled back and gave your cheek a gentle squeeze before removing his hand. 

Your skin burned in his wake. Scorched by his touch.

[jawritter]

Carry On

Chapter 28

Summary: It was just a simple hunt, found on a pie festival. It was supposed to be easy. Something they’d all done one hundred and one times a million. No one could have told Y/N, Dean, and Sam that nothing from that point on would ever be the same again.

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader x Sam Winchester

Word Count: 3k

Warnings: flangst, vomiting, nausea, dean freaking out just a little. 

Due to the graphic nature of this fic, and the fact that it will eventually contain Smut. This fic is an 18 + only fic! If you’re under 18 DO NOT read this fic!

A/N: This fic is beta’d by @kazsrm67​​​​ Thanks so much love! Please do not copy my work! Feedback is golden! I hope you all enjoy this ride with me!

My Mastlist        Series Masterlist

2 Months Later

Y/N’s POV:

Y/N’s feet drug heavily down the stairs, towards the kitchen, where she noticed that it was already after 12 in the afternoon.

“Fuck,” Y/N swore as she rubbed her hands harshly down her face, a hint of annoyance seeping into her sleep groggy system that Dean had once again let her sleep in, and didn’t wake her up before he went to work that morning. 

This was the third morning in a row that this had happened, and while Dean didn’t seem to mind that she overslept, and didn’t make him breakfast or see him off in the morning before he headed to the shop, it annoyed the hell out of her. 

With a defeated sigh, Y/N decided that she didn’t want breakfast; or rather lunch at this point, anyway, and made the climb back up the stairs to go get in the shower. Y/N knew that Dean usually didn’t take a lunch until around 12:45; that didn’t give her much time, but she figured she’d have enough time to go and grab a shower, make herself look somewhat presentable, put some concealer on the huge hickey that Dean had gifted her with the night before, and make her way to grab him some takeout for lunch before he actually needed to eat something, she could at least do that. 

She wasn’t sure what had gotten into her lately, but she was sure that she needed to get her shit together before Friday. Fridays were always the busiest day of the week at the shop. It was payday, and she always helped Dean get the checks together for the guys that were working there, and Dean usually had her set the following week's work schedule that day as well, so that when they got their checks, they could also get a copy of their work schedule too. This usually took most of the day, so like it or not she was going to have to get her ass out of bed at a decent hour Friday. 

Swearing under her breath as she mindlessly undressed as quickly as she could, all while going over the to do list, completely distracted from what she was doing, until she turned to the right to start the shower running; it hit her the most intense, deep wave of nausea she had ever experienced in her life. It hit so fast, and was so crippling, that it brought her to her knees, and she barely had time to lift the toilet seat before emptying the contents of her stomach. It was over as soon as it began, or at least was abated for the moment, and all she could do was sit there on her knees, stunned by what had just happened. 

She had never experienced anything like that before, and while she wasn’t cripplingly nauseated anymore, she still felt like completely and utter shit. 

Maybe she was sick and just overworked, maybe that is why she was so damn tired. 

Great. 

She’d never been the sick one before, it was always Dean who was the sick one. He depended on her to help him with things still, mostly helping run his garage, so how in the fuck was she going to be sick?

As she sat for an immeasurable amount of time pondering; the nausea slowly started to creep back in, so she forced herself to stand up, and start the shower. One thing was certain, today she wasn’t going to be able to make it into the shop. Hell, she wasn’t even sure she was going to make it through the shower she was attempting to take. So as soon as she did, she was going to have to get ahold of Dean, and tell him; fuck she dreaded telling him she was sick with every fiber in her being. 

This sucks! 

SHE was the caregiver in their relationship for so long. She never took a sick day. She never even complained when she was stressed or tired. Now here she was, most likely going to be paying her oms to the porcelain Gods all day today. She had no idea how to deal with this. 

Jack really, really, seemed to hate her lately. 

Dean’s POV:

Dean sat with his lips pressed into a tight, thin line, his oil-stained hands gripping the smartphone that looked comically small in his hand, reading Y/N’s text over and over again. 

I can’t make it today babe, I’m sick. It’s nothing serious, so don’t worry about coming home. I’m sorry I can’t bring your lunch. See you when you get home. Love you.

Y/N had never been sick before. 

Okay, now he was being dramatic, but he’d not seen her sick as long as they’d been together, and it terrified the fuck out of him. If it was bad enough for her to text and say she wasn’t going to come in today, it must have been pretty fucking bad. She said it was nothing serious, but he knows Y/N well enough to know that’s a goddamn lie. If it’s serious enough to ground her for the day, then it’s pretty bad; and she said HE was the one that tried to downplay everything. 

Dean finally tore his eyes away from the phone long enough to peek through the door at the guys that were still working in the shop. It wasn’t even 12:30, and he still had a few hours to go before he was off for the day. It didn’t help that they were training two new guys, Reed and Zade. 

He desperately wanted to get out of this shop. He wanted to go home and take care of his girl. 

“Dammit,” Dean growled as he looked back down at the text message, rereading her words again. 

“Everything okay?” Jonathan, one of the guys he considered a garage manager, questioned; his head sticking inside of Dean’s office, while the rest of his body leaned awkwardly just out of the frame. 

Dean licked his lips nervously before tossing the phone onto the desk, resulting in a loud thud that echoed through the confined space of his office. He could literally feel his own body tensing the longer he sat there with his mind racing on everything that needed to get done today, coupled with the fact that he no longer really gave a shit about any of it. All he wanted to do was leave and go home. 

“Y/N’s sick,” Dean finally relented, “she’s not going to make it in today.”

Jonathan’s eyes narrowed as he took in what Dean had just told him, Dean’s jaw set firmly. 

“That’s not like her,” Jonathan said, “maybe you should go home man there’s more than enough of us here today, we can handle the workload.”

Dean pinched the bridge of his nose, and let out a frustrated growl from deep down in his chest. 

“You know I hate leaving you guys here alone with two fucking newbies,” Dean voiced, and Jonathan put on his best bitchface. 

“It’s not my first time training people dude. There are literally seven of us total here today, only two of them are inexperienced, I think we got it. GO HOME. Go see about that lady of yours. Hell, she puts up with your old mean ass, go take care of her for once.”

Dean swallowed back the retort of how he was about to take care of Jonathan’s ass if he didn’t watch his damn mouth, because honestly, he had a point.

Y/N had given up everything to take care of him after his accident. Here he was worried about leaving a fucking shop. SHE should be his priority, not this place. 

“Okay, okay,” Dean said, making up his mind. “I’m going home. If you have any problems, call me.”

“Atta boy!” Jonathan agreed before disappearing back into the garage. 

Dean’s hands trembled with anxiety as he grabbed his keys and made his way towards the garage door. He felt like he was moving too slow, and he cursed his fucking failure of a body for not being able to move faster than what it was. He wanted to be with her -right that moment, not have to struggle his way to the car. 

Dean was pretty sure he would end up with a ticket in the mail for running that redlight, but he didn’t have time to give a shit. No matter how fast he drove, it didn’t feel like it was fast enough to get to his girl. Which is why when the redlight stopped him in the middle of an empty intersection, Dean said ‘fuck it’ and just ran the damn thing. 

Dean swore as he closed his front door behind him, finally able to breathe a sigh or relief.

Everything in the house seemed just as it was when he left it that morning. Nothing at all was out of place. Even the newspaper he left open on the table for Y/N to clip the coupons out of was still laying open just as he’d left it. One thing was missing though, and that was the fact that Y/N wasn’t in the kitchen where he would usually find her when he came home this close to lunchtime. It made his chest tighten; those old hunter instincts that he kept buried resurfaced with force. 

His feet carried him up the stairs as his heart hammered painfully against his ribcage. If something was really wrong. If his girl was in trouble, he’d lose it. He’d absolutely lose it if he lost her for some reason. Hell, there’d be no living for him anymore. He knew that. He couldn’t do this without her. 

With shaking hands, Dean slowly opened the door to their shared bedroom, and that’s where he found her, curled into a ball in bed, covers wrapped tightly around her, sound asleep. His legs were shaking so hard at this point that he could only shut the door, and then stand there, attempting to slow his heart back down, and catch his breath. 

As if sensing him, Y/N’s eyes opened, and she frowned when she saw him standing there, probably looking pale as fuck in the doorway. Here she was, the sick one, and she was still trying to take care of him. 

“Dean?” She questioned as she set up slowly, as if she didn’t trust herself to move too fast. 

As soon as his name fell from her lips, his feet carried him towards the bed, almost like a bolt of electricity had hit him in the ass, and forced him to move from the spot he was frozen to. 

“What are you doing here?” she questioned hoarsely, adjusting the pillows behind her so that she was able to sit up more comfortably as he planted himself on the edge of the bed next to her. “I told you I would be fine, there was no need for you to worry.”

“Well, you know me sweetheart, worry is my middle name,” Dean tried to lighten the mood by giving her the best smart ass smirk he could come up with, but she countered with what he thought was the most adorable bitchface that he’d ever seen, and all he could do was stifle the laugh. 

“I’m fine Dean, really. Honestly, as strange as it sounds, I feel perfectly fine now, and I’m honestly just tired and kinda hungry,” Y/N confessed, looking a little embarrassed at her lap where she had her hands folded that he’d bothered to come home, when apparently there wasn’t anything wrong; or at least she felt that there was nothing wrong. 

“What happened sweetheart?” Dean pressed. Even though she seemed perfectly fine, he was still more than a little concerned, and he couldn’t shake it. 

“I don’t know,” she admitted, her brows furrowed in thought. “I woke up, was going to take a shower and meet you at the shop for lunch because you let me oversleep… again.” She paused, giving him an evil look, but he didn’t cower, she was so tired the last few nights, how could he not let her sleep in for a few days? 

“Then when I went upstairs to take a shower and get dressed, I got violently sick. It lasted about an hour, I fell asleep right before I texted you, now I feel fine. Like nothing ever happened, and I’m just really, really tired.”

Dean’s shoulders tensed as he thought it over. His mind was racing a mile a minute. Did she just eat something bad? That couldn’t be, because he ate everything she had, and he was fine. Was she just over tired? He’d never heard of that making someone vomit before, though it wasn’t impossible for it to. 

Then it hit him like a rolling steam engine….

“Baby,” Dean questioned, taking her hands and forcing her to look up at him. Suddenly his chest felt tight all over again, and a fresh wave of nerves settled in his stomach. “Can I ask you something?”

Her confused silence at his behavior was his only answer, so he continued cautiously, afraid of her reaction to his own conclusion. 

“Are you late?”

Forever:

@bubsonnobx​​​​​​​

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Jensen and Dean’s Babes

@deans-baby-momma​​​​​​​​​​​​​  

@impalaslytherin​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

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@fortheloveof-jackles​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

@eevvvaa​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

@bts-spnlvr12​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

@jxackles

@lassie-bird​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

@samsgirl93​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

@shawnie74​​​​​​​​​​​​​​  

@kaz11283​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

@mlovesstories​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

@ladysparks78

@sarahgracej​

[sillybayo]

Heavy, Like Rainclouds

(Originally posted on AO3 on 12/16/23. You can also read this on fanfiction.net)

A queerplatonic narumitsu/wrightworth fic with confessions, coming out, and fluff. Miles invites a familiar friend to dinner, although once Phoenix is about to leave, something stings him in his heart, and he can't let him go just yet.

~~~

Shades of orange and purple brushed the sky, painting dusk. The clouds added a gray tint, suggesting that rain will fall.

Phoenix and Miles had a warm dinner in the latters home. He invited him over after not seeing him for a good while. They chatted and laughed over roast and mashed potatoes for what felt like hours. A meal always tastes sweeter with company, one once said. They talked about past memories, shows that were airing right now, and strange things Gumshoe did during cases.

Miles always found Phoenix's presence comforting. As if he could be himself in peace, as if every single part of him was understood and cared for. He liked Phoenix's voice, his smile, his laugh, and how unbelievably smart yet silly he is. He was warmth unlike anyone else would describe. 'Butterflies in their stomach', 'Unending thoughts'...just what was that like, Miles wondered for months once it came to him.

Once he was finished with his meal, Phoenix stated that he work back in his office to take care of. He put away his dish and took his coat off the hanger, sliding it upon himself, and looking for an extra umbrella he can borrow from Miles, in case he doesn't beat the rain on the way back home. A part of Miles wanted him to stay, just a little longer. He knows how important Phoenix's career is, but a little selfish voice inside him told him to keep him here.

"I'm sure I have a spare in my closet, one moment please." Miles states. He shakes the voice away, it's an improper way of thinking after all. But he knows that the umbrella is the next step of his departure. That small thought clung to him as he went down the hallway to his bedroom.

Phoenix waited patiently, and after two minutes or so, Miles returned with a sleek black umbrella.

"Thanks! I'll give it back as soon as possible!" there was a bit of rush in Phoenix' words, stirring Miles' heart.

"There's no need. An umbrella in your car will always prove useful. I already have a third one anyway." Miles assures him.

"Right!" Phoenix slips on his shoes. That's the third step.

"Always make sure to drive slowly on slick roads." he lectured with haste in his words.

"Of course of course!" his hand landed on the doorknob. The fourth step.

Something told Miles to stall more. "Tell Maya to iron her clothes!"

Phoenix giggled. "I will, I will." the door let out a dreadful creak. "Well, see you! I'll call when I get there."

And he placed his foot out the doorstep.

"Wait!"

Phoenix turned his head to him, raising both his eyebrows, surprised to hear something so desperate from the usually composed and repressed Miles. The face he turned to see was flushed, shocked that he let something slip so easily.

The evening wind blew into the house from the cracked door. A chill prickled them both. That, and the ticking clock, filled the room with lonely sounds.

Phoenix decided to make the air friendly again. "Did..you need something?" it's not like Miles to have a sudden outburst, unless something was really wrong. He faced him fully, ready to hear the worst.

Miles blinked several times and adjusted himself into a proper posture. He cleared his throat and hoped, no, prayed, that what he says won't come out with a stutter or a quiver.

"I…wanted to tell you something. It has been on my mind for far too long."

"Oh?" curiosity mixed with concern overwhelmed Phoenix. What could be so important that he just has to stay today, right now, no matter what?

Miles adjusted his glasses and took some quiet deep breaths. "Sit with me.." he walked over and plopped down on the plush yet firm couch. "Before I worry you any further, this isn't anything depressing. It's just something I must confess."

He closed the door and sat beside Miles, relieved now thanks to his reassurance. Though, now the curiosity only continues to drive him mad!

"What I must tell you tonight is...is that you make me feel as if I'm at home, Wright."

Now his face flushed. "A-aren't we on a first name basis now?"

"Don't change the subject!"

"Sorry, sorry." Phoenix relaxed. "Continue."

"Thank you," Miles huffed, and he went through each and every one of his words slowly, and picked them carefully. "I'm not sure if my words can do justice. When others explain…love, in a romantic sense, they describe it as their heart racing, their stomach churning, sweats, unable to stop thinking about their lover, and so on. There's less extreme 'symptoms', yes, and it's not the same experience for everyone. I am aware that this is a complex feeling that varies from person to person…but as for me, I don't think what I feel for you, Phoenix, can be described to be on the same level as 'romantic'."

His company listened to his confession and took every word in. It all felt so joyful to hear, but also, he felt as though he needed to hear more. "Go on.." Phoenix replied patiently.

Miles nodded. "It feels like something full in my heart, as if it cries for you. And that you'll be there to soothe those tears, and put it to rest..." the more he released, the warmer his face became. Miles fidgeted, and kept his eyes on the coffee table the entire time. Looking at Phoenix right now could kill him.

"I…still need to do research on the specific terms and types of attraction, but I am definitely somewhere on the 'aromantic' and 'asexual' spectrum. I always knew I was queer in some form…I just never knew how." Miles explained further, feeling more and more self conscious as he went on. He had no problem with his identity, but saying those words out loud to someone, even someone as accepting as Phoenix, felt…alien to him. "You don't need to accept any part of this, I completely understand. I just felt that it was necessary to tell you this after so long."

"No no, I understand!" Phoenix smiled. "Well, not all of it. Definitely tell me more once you learn the more specific parts." that little bit of confusion got a little "Hah!" out of Miles. He appreciates the honesty. "But, I relate to an extent. I love you too! But, erm, romantically. Sorry. But like I said, I relate to an extent."

"How so?" his smile from laughing still painted his face.

"I'm not interested in anyone sexually, and I don't want to do—uhm—'certain acts'—either. It always scared me…"

"Oh thank goodness." Miles sighed with relief. "I was worried that we would have an awkward conversation over such topics."

"Same here!" Phoenix giggled, but then he paused when he fully processed the 'conversation' part. His stomach turned into twists. "So, do you want something out of this?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like...do you want to date, or something like that?" Phoenix treaded carefully.

Miles pondered for a moment. "I say that we take it slow for now. We won't be friends, but we'll certainly be something…is that alright with you?"

He smiled in relief. "Yes, I would love that!" the thought of getting into another relationship just filled Phoenix with dread and fear. This is the perfect outcome, an easy way to back out whenever he gets scared. Though, he trusts Miles. He would never do something horrible to him, not ever.

"Soooo…" Phoenix continued. "What are your boundaries?"

"I still need to think about that as well…I've never thought about a relationship beyond how I feel about you."

"I understand. Well, let's see…you already said that you aren't interested in anything sexual, and while it's not inherently so, you probably don't like excessive kissing either…" he thought out loud, and continued to do so silently for the next few beats. At last, he smiled slyly, and then scooted closer. "Do you likeeee cuddling?"

Miles couldn't help but to freeze and blush. "I-I'm not against it..."

"You have to be honest here, Miles, I don't want to base my actions off of a 'maybe'. Give it to me straight, please."

"Then yes," he admitted. "I want you to hold me as close as you can."

And so Phoenix leaned into Miles' space, and wrapped his arms behind his neck. He slid closer and closer, until their torsos were touching, and Miles had to lay down on the cushions. He replied to his movements and held him, making his hands hold each other behind Phoenix's back. Rain could be heard pouring outdoors.

"Oh, it slipped my mind! You have work to complete! You need to get going, I'm so terribly sorry for keeping you here." Miles started to sit back up, until Phoenix held onto him tighter, weighing him.

"No, there's always tomorrow..." he pressed a kiss onto the bottom of his chin, which made this partner gasp quietly. "I want to stay here, just a little longer."

"I-if you say so..." Miles said, failing to suppress his embarrassment and joy. "Thank you for listening to me, Phoenix."

"Anytime. Just let me know if you need anything else, please."

[missprincesse345]

Day in the life of the Rhodes family 🇺🇸💀💀🔥🔥

Poly pairing: Cody Rhodes x Brandi Rhodes x y/n wife reader

Headcanon au: days before & the double or nothing ppv

Day 1 day before Las Vegas

• Around 11:45 am is when their day starts usually Cody’s up a few hours before the girls having to drive over to the nightmare factory his wrestling school but not today, Since his brother Dustin was taking over things for him for awhile since y/n,Brandi and Cody were flying out for the Double or nothing ppv.

• Y/n and Brandi woke up first letting Cody sleep in knowing he needed it while Brandi went into the bathroom y/n turned on the dim sunset lights in their bedroom before joining her in bathroom, this is the point where one of them would wake up lil Libby but they dropped her off over Cody’s moms the night before so they could take their time to do their morning routine.

A little later y/n and Brandi stepped in to the warm bubble bath brandi had made earlier both lovers enjoying the moment with each other, “ well this is a sight I can never get tired of seeing” Cody smirked leaning the door watching his wife’s in their bare wet glory “ morning baby” they both giggled looking up at their husband as he walked over to them.

• After getting cleaned up and dressed the three headed downstairs making breakfast which was more private intimate moments between the three lovers,after breakfast cody left since he had a few interviews.

Meanwhile the girl’s drove off to their gym session with their personal trainer Derek scheduled for 12:09 - 12:45

The girls work out consist of: 20 front kicks, 15 squats, 10 reps each, 5 second planks, 12 reverse crunches etc.

•After a intense workout the girls headed to the sauna area of the gym to relax & sweat out any other toxins for a little bit then they get freshened up, heading to their lace front appointment for their new weave installs “ our gear for the ppv is good to go” y/n said as they walked to the car “ good cause we already got everything else packed” Brandi replied starting the car as y/n hummed in agreement before pulling off.

After checking in with Cody and grabbing lunch on the way Y/n & Brandi made it to their hair appointment, after a few hours they were done & loved their new weave installs both women went with white & silver

• once leaving the hair salon they headed to their lash,brow and nail appointments Cause come on girls got their needs just like the fellas 😂

A few hours later

• They finally made it back home after a few more errands heading inside seeing that Cody was already home “ there’s my beautiful ladies” he smiled helping them with the groceries “ thank you baby” Y/n replied softly kissing her husband “ how was everything today?” Brandi said kissing him as well, before they started making dinner as Cody told them about his day.

After dinner they all got in the shower and washed up (Btw they got one of those fancy 4 person glass showers 🤑) anyway moving on 😂, Cody smiled watching the his two ebony queens doing their beauty routine, “ c’mere” he motioned with his finger making both girls smile joining him in the bed kissing him deeply before snuggling in his arms falling asleep.

Day 2 flying out to Vegas & sightseeing/relaxing 🎰

• After getting dressed and all of their bags in the car they drove off to the private jet since they were flying with the rest the elite, half an hour later they arrived and were greeted by the boys. Once everyone bordered the jet and it took off after a while they freely walked around the jet popping bottles and eating good food just celebrating with each other.

Nswf 18+🤤🥵 : Dom!Cody Rhodes,Blowjobs, subY/n, Sub Brandi

• Walking out of the shower with a towel around his waist Cody smirked seeing the girls waiting for him on the bed in their collars and ears as well kitten tails “ mmm look at my little kittens” he chuckled watching the two of them crawl over to him after he laid back on the bed, his throbbing veiny cock free from its constraints getting comfortable gestures to his hard cock “Get to work, both of you don’t make me say it again” he said gripping both of their hair roughly.

His girls smile up at him, eyes dark with lust and the desire to please their husband or in this case Big Daddy They crawl onto the bed and rub their faces against Cody’s groin, dropping worshipful kisses up and down his cock. They lick around his cock, Y/n lightly sucking the drips from the tip with hums of delight and Brandi bending to worship his heavy balls, drawing them into her mouth shaking her ass making her tail shake sending deep ripples of pleasure through Cody that have him writhing in seconds. Cody reaches for his phone and starts to record a short video to send to himself whenever he has to be away for longer than a few days he watches the little videos of his slutty kittens to calm his restless mind Y/N and Brandi look so pretty serving him like this, and happily are following his instructions to pleasure the man they love. The girls notice his actions and smile up at the camera, Y/n giving a cheeky purr before diving back down to engulf Cody’s cock causing him to fumble the phone and have to scramble to grab it.

Cody laughs and playfully swats at Brandi who looks up and innocently bats her eyelashes after she & Y/n switched places mouth still stuffed with his pulsing cock. Cody saved the video and drops his phone back onto the bedside table. He glares downward in mock annoyance. “I suppose you thought that was funny huh? Naughty slutty kitten both of you so desperate for this cock” he growled watching her whimper shivering in pleasure as he grabbed her neck roughly.

Brandi licks his cock from base to tip and giggles nodding. “Y/n, control Brandi please” he commanded “Looks like she needs some help staying focused on the job at hand. Give her a little push and make sure her throat feels it”

Pulling Brandi into a cum sweet kiss she giggles “ yes daddy”

Cody relaxes once again letting out a primal growl as Y/n grins at him, reaching for her other lover she gently yet roughly wraps a hand around brandi’s hair and pushes her head down, forcing her to take his cock all the way. Brandi chokes a little but obediently allows Y/n to direct her loving it as she starts to move her head up and down, effectively using her sloppy ruined lipgloss mouth to pleasure their husband

Cody watches fondly through lidded eyes and a haze of blissful sensation. His girls are so beautiful like this. Adoring and worshipful, obeying him without question and serving him behind closed doors.

“That's it,” Cody moans breathlessly, “that's my good girl’s”

The girls visibly preen under the praise, Y/n gazing dotingly up at Cody through her minx lashes as Brandi moans around his cock like the praise-slut she is. Y/n fondly strokes her bulging cheek then uses both hands to hold her down until she chokes and gags around the cock in her throat. When Y/n finally lets brandi’s head go, she stays down, holding Cody’s cock in her throat a little longer before coming up and gasping for breath.

Brandi dives straight back down, sucking Cody’s cock like it's her job while Y/n moves back up to tongue his nipples, and Cody lets his head fall back “ fuckkkk”moaning in bliss as pleasure flows over him in golden waves. He feels utterly cherished, and he can't hold in his appreciation. “Yeah, that's it, that's my good cum baby’s Make me feel good sweethearts, keep going, don't fucking stop.”

Besides you know how the saying goes

“ What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” 🥵🥵🤤🍆

Brandi directs his hips, pushing him down to thrust into Y/n’s waiting mouth, then dragging him back up to meet her eager tongue, and Cody’s is loving every second. When Y/n starts lifting her head so she suck at the same time her other love licks, The American nightmare loses it. He's moaning and writhing, lost in ecstasy, trapped between two hot mouths working so hard to please him Y/n’s tongue pushes into him as Brandi swallows him to the root making him howl in pleasure.

Cumming hard all over their pretty faces that were eagerly waiting mouths open giggling both taking turns cleaning his dick his sweet salty cum gracing their Tongues.

“ mmm my good girls …. You make daddy so proud”

Day 3: Double or Nothing ppv🎰

Brandi & Y/n’s championship tag match against Toni storm & Mariah may.

• Quick summary: basically weeks before leading up to Double or Nothing Toni has been demanding a rematch for the Aew women’s championship since Brandi beat her at the Dynasty ppv but also claimed that Mariah would a better Tbs woman’s champion than y/n, both of them laughed at Toni’s statement ignoring her which later on resulted in sneaky tactics and other negative remarks but what really made Brandi & Y/n tick is during one dynamite tapping Toni made an comment about little Libby backstage.

• Both women snapped but didn’t show it so a little later on in the night of the show the during Toni’s segment they attacked Brandi layed a beat down on Toni whilst Y/n smirked holding Mariah back as she screams “ You brought this on yourself!!” Y/n yelled gripping her face roughly before choke slamming her down on the ground, grabbing a disoriented Toni storm they both perform their finishing move night tremors. Leaving her laying motionless on the ramp “ you want our titles? Double or nothing!!! See you soon” Brandi smirks as she & y/n held their titles smirking as the fans cheered// Summary over

Back to the present 🎰🎰

• “ And their opponents from Atlanta Georgia !!! Aew women’s champion and women’s tbs champion the nightmare queens!!!!” The announcer said as Brandi & y/n walked down the ramp in their grand entrance with showgirls,trapeze, fire dancers etc… basically cirque du soleil inspired.

• soon as that bell rung Brandi and y/n weren’t holding back throughout the whole match they did constant rotations sure Toni & Mariah got a few hits but they girls weren’t letting up “ oh god!!! Y/n just power bombed Mariah back first into the steel steps, well what do you expect?! She & Toni disrespected them & Cody’s child, it’s just getting brutal!!” The commentary team said watching the ruthless beat down, the girls were pulling out all of the stops.

• towards the end of the match Toni went to hit y/n her finisher but Brandi was quicker ducking Mariah’s clothesline she from behind hits Toni with a bicycle kick which gave y/n enough time roll free & hit Mariah with a slingshot neck breaker, what really made the crowd go crazy was that both women used Cody’s finishing move “ Double crossroads!!! Double crossroads!!! 1..2..3!!!” As the referee counted once again the queens reign supreme all while Cody watched from backstage proud of his wives.

Cody & the elite’s tag team match

• The girls were backstage watching Cody and the boys tag team match against the don callis family since don started tarting each of the members which led to multiple brawls between both groups over several weeks, but on collision they boys finally called the shots challenging them to a street fight.

• “ should we go out and help?” Y/n said wincing as Cody & Matt got body slammed on top eachother the match was cutting close from trash cans to tacs “ ooh not yet, but just in case” Brandi replied handing y/n a metal chain “ good thinking “ replied noticing Brandi had a kendo stick in her hand, the match had gone over but was about go down hill for the elite as Hobbs was slowly approaching Cody from behind but the girls were quicker coming through the crowd y/n wrapped the chain hobb’s neck yanking him down meanwhile Brandi unleashed multiple shots to don callis with the kendo stick.

“ Finish it baby!!!” Y/n & Brandi yelled banging on the mat as the crowd railed behind them giving Cody the energy to get back up “ Cody cutter!!! 1..2..3!!” The girls jumped up and down as the elites theme blasted through the arena meanwhile the Cody kissed both of his beautiful queens.

Just another day for the Rhodes 🇺🇸💀🔥🔥

Brandi and y/n’s outfits

[dat-carovieh]

Ah yeah great experience getting home from my parents today., Usually would take 5 hours and one switch of trains, took nine hours and 5 changes. Partly it was their fault and partly.... I guess my body's fault. So I was planning to go to a concert today in Osnabrück. Kinda half way between Berlin and Duisburg. Great, it's of course longer, but fits well. Booked a train from Berlin to there. Was planning to stay at a hotel with a friend and take regional trains, which I already have a month pass for tomorrow. Would take a while but sure, no issues, I would leave whenever.

Well I got sick. Like not super bad, I think I will see a doctor tomorrow, too much to go to the concert. But I have the ticket. It's a physical ticket. So either it goes to wasate or I go to Osnabrüclk, which is now with wanting to go home a detour. But whatever not a big thing. At 8:54 I get into the S-Bahn to the trainstation to take the IC, I get on. We start to move, we move slow. We arrive Berlin main station. We are standing. We are told the train is broken, we need to leave. Next option, a train to Hannover. Well I would have needed to take a train going through Hannover anyway, it's half an hour later, I get on the train and figure, I will figure something out in Hannover.

I arrive in Hannover. The train was almost on time. Like maybe 3 minutes late. Which ist absolutely on time for Deutsche Bahn. I get off, I check my App. It's 45 minutes for the next train to Osnabrück. I briefely consider going straight home but it's just a bit of a detour, it will be fine, I wanna get the ticket sold and I wanna see my friend at least for a moment.

It's a regional train, slow, stops at every small town, no room for my huge suitcase, I hold it between my legs. I have downloaded a tatort episode with my mobile data, transferred it to my Laptp which I'm now balancing on top of my suitcase.

I would have 8 minutes to hug my friend, give her the ticket and get from platform 4 to platform 12, already not really optimistic. Trains there home leave once an hour. My train arrives 3 minutes after my connecting train leaves. We go to McDonalds. I'm still sick and have not slept well at my paren't house and christmas is fucking exhausting. I get tea. It's 2,69, surprisingly cheap. I'm downloading another tatort episode. I have now downloaded over 1,5GB today, it's fine, the month is almost over.

The next train is on time. weird thing to happen but I take it. I find a place to sit and put my suitcase under the seat, it sticks out. A huge family with a lot of childrern find the seats next to me to sit. They're loud, they run around. I'm still sick. I finisch my Tatort episode. I get inspired and write 700 words of a fic. I'm pressed into the corner, because the children are jumping around. I'm tired, I arrive in Essen, last time changing trains, my connecting train is late, I take an S-Bahn, it takes a little longer, it's only 5 minutes late. I gat off the train at 6pm.

I'm home now. My friend sold my Ticket, I will gop see my docotor tomorrow, hopefully.

[somethingstrangerthings]

𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐆 𝐆𝐎𝐃 - ᴀɴ ᴇᴅᴅɪᴇ ᴍᴜɴꜱᴏɴ ꜰᴀɴ ꜰɪᴄᴛɪᴏɴ

PART II

↳ Meet the Freak

❝You y/n Harrington need to live a little.❞

Hawkins High

12:35 P.M.

It was the next morning, 1 more day until spring break. You woke up taking a deep inhale, while stretching, as the minimal sunlight lightly blinded your eyes. For a minute you thought that it might have been a little early with no sound of birdsong, but you checked your alarm clock that lay beside you on the small desk next to your bed.

The time read 6:31 a.m. After that long stretch you did, it made your body grow tired, and made you just want to just go under your covers. You then briefly got a wiff of breakfast. It smelled like burnt toast. You furrowed your brows in concern, but just shrugged it off.

You took off your covers and got a brief coldness wave past you, which made you shudder, wanting to go under your covers again, but you stood up feeling the cold wood floor under your feet. You quickly grabbed a pair of socks and put them on to keep your feet warm.

You then went to the restroom and looked at yourself in the mirror. Then you brushed your teeth, and afterwards made your way back to the room. You got yourself ready, put on your clothes, and your shoes, and then finally did your hair. Finally being ready for school, you make your way down to your kitchen where you found Steve making breakfast, or at leaset an attempt. You placed your backpack on the dining chair beside you.

"Steve is that toast I smell ?" Steve stops in his tracks, and turns to you hesitantly. "Well there was toast, but it got burnt." Trying to hide your grin you replied. "Oh?..okay" Steve without noticing the hidden grin stated "But, I did make eggs, and waffles." He pointed to the half decent food with the wooden spatula he was using. You let your grin go, and was now genuine. "Thanks for breakfast Steve, I don't need toast anyway." Once you said that, it looked like so much burden had lifted off from Steve's shoulders. He turned off the gas, and put down the spatula grabbing plates from the cupboard.

After getting the food you guys both sat down at the table. There was a brief silence of chewing before Steve spoke out to you. "That Eddie guy, are you friends with him ?" You look up from your plate and dart your eyes back and forth between his, before replying. "No" Scratching the nape of his neck Steve spoke again. "Okay good, good" You wanted to say something back to Steve but you couldn't. How could you defend Eddie if you didn't know one small detail about him ?

Both you and Steve finished breakfast, and you both got into his car so he could drive you to school. Every time Steve drove you to school, there were no songs to sing to on the radio, or words to say to one another, there was always just that awkward silence. You weren't sure if it was because Steve didn't know how to strike a conversation, or if you or Steve were too tired to even speak out loud.

Finally reaching Hawkins High you started to get out of Steve's car as it came to a stop. Before Steve drove off again you held onto the car door opening it again. "Hey Steve, you work later today right ?" All of a sudden the realization hit him. "Yeah, shoot, sorry I forgot to tell you." You tapped the car door with your hand and replied. "Don't worry, I'll find a ride home." Before Steve could respond, you closed the car door and watched him drive off before walking into school.

After the longest three hours of your life, it was finally lunch time. You would usually eat the school lunches, although today's food choice wasn't appetizing to you, so instead you were trying to find a place to sit. You are trying to find Dustin, or at least Mike to sit with, but you could not find them for the life of you.

Circling around the cafeteria one more time, you finally saw Dustin sitting down at a half empty table with Mike. Starting to make your way to the tables you stopped in your tracks, about ten feet away from the table you saw Eddie Munson approach the table. Quickly turning about to walk away, you heard Eddie call out.

"Hey Harrington, why don't you come sit with with us." You closed your eyes and thought about it for a second. You hesitantly turned, and made a half hearted grin. Biting your bottom lip you sat next to Dustin. For some reason you could feel Jason Carver's eyes dart into the back of your head from across the cafeteria. Crossing your arms you tried to sit Idley as possible.

"You alright ?" Those words made you jolt. You slightly turned your head at Dustin who had just spoke under his breath. Nodding your head you heard Eddie's forceful voice again. "Dungeons and Dragons..." He read from a magazine, although he made a deep sound with his words. Everything went blank for you for a second only hearing the chatter of the cafeteria.

Suddenly you went back to reality and still heard Eddie's words, although this time in a raspy like voice. "And even murder !" He slammed the magazine on the lunch table, and let out a laugh. Which made you come out with a forceful wry laugh as well. You looked over at Eddie who seemed to be having too much fun with himself. Almost running into a small group of girls he quickly moved out of the way, waving his arm in front of him as some sort of gesture.

After swinging his arm forward, he glanced over at you and smiled. Soon after he got on top of the lunch table. You put your arm out to try and take him down, but your arm got pushed out of the way with his leg. You called out to him trying not to say it too loud. "Eddie get down-" He looked down at you and saw you and had seen you were embarrassed. "Come on y/n, you're apart of the club, this is what it is."

He made his way to the other side of the table where you were and jumped off landing in front of you. As he jumped you heard his chains hit against his jeans. "You y/n Harrington need to live a little." You could tell by the grin plastered on his face that he wanted to take you by the hand and announce you out at the top of the lunch table. But alas that's only what you thought.

It was finally after school, and you had just remembered that you needed a ride home. You knew none of your friends got a ride home, because they had bikes. You started to look around and then you saw Eddie. Of course you did. It was your luck. You had no choice. You walked up to Eddie who seemed to be in a happy mood. "Eddie I have a question, and I know its random, but do you think you can drop me off at my house ?"

He turned to you, but then his smile faded. He took you by the shoulder, wrapping one arm around it. "Oh y/n I would, but I don't have my own car. I walk to and from school." He ejected another smile at you. You replied "Oh, my bad, I can go ask someone else." You said that knowing damn well you didn't know anyone else, and no one one would bring you home anyway.

As you started to turn you felt your arm being held back. You quickly turned back at him, and he let go of your arm. Before you could even utter a word, he spoke out loud trying to explain. "Hey look, I could walk with you. I'm pretty sure it's not that far."

Honestly what can you say to that ? You couldn't, so the only thing that came out of your mouth was "sure" The same sure you always say. The same sure that can ruin, or build up something great. So why did you say sure ? Because it was the only neutral thing that can take anything forward or backwards in a situation.

[shino-mina-324]

The Thunder Hashira

Chapter 12

1.1k words

"How are you feeling today?"

"..."

"Aw come on, Himiko! It's been a week, still the silent treatment?"

"..."

A sigh. "Ok." Kanae placed the tray of food on her lap. "I spoke with the master about your situation. He was very understanding and said you will not be receiving any missions until you're fully healed and cleared by me. So you don't need to worry about that ok?"

"Hmhm, hm." (Ok, thanks).

"And she speaks!" Kanae laughed earning an eye roll and more grumbling from the girl. "Anyway, with the clean break and cast your leg should heal pretty quickly. Only a few months tops, three or four. And that's with physical therapy and recuperation included!" Kanae explained. She then placed a tray with food in front of her. "Now eat up! I'll also have one of the nurses bring you to the courtyard later for some fresh air, you've been cooped up for quite a while."

~

"Do you want me to cut your hair?" Kanae asked Himiko one day. She had taken to going over files and doing some of her office work at a small table in the room Himiko resided in, keeping her company. 

Himiko tilted her head. "Why?" 

"Well I've just noticed how uneven it is, is all. It's quite short in some areas but also long in others. I wasn't sure if you wanted to keep it that way or not, so I thought to ask." Himiko blinked at her and furrowed her brow. She brought her hand up running it through her locks and bringing it forward, as if looking at it and noticing the dead ends and uneven length for the first time. It had taken quite a while to detangle it when she had first got here, as it had grown to be matted in a few areas over the time she spent on the mountain. Though luckily she had the habit of running her hands through it in anxiety so it prevented it from getting too tangled. 

Himiko stared at her hair for a few seconds then shrugged. "Sure." She said. Kanae smiled standing up and walking out of the room. When she walked back in she held a comb and scissors along with a small basin of water. 

"If you don't mind, I think it'd been easier to have your hair wet." Himiko nodded. After gently soaking her hair to make it wet enough for it to be straight Kanae instructed her to sit back up. She had a towel wrapped around her shoulders to stop her from getting damp and held Sabito's mask in her hands tightly. She usually wore it around her neck but had taken it off for the cut. Kanae gathered her hair in the back and started combing through it. Then soon enough Himiko could hear her to begin cutting it. "Here you go!" Kanae handed her a mirror about half an hour later, having now finished. 

Himiko took the mirror and looked at herself. The front was shorter, just barely reaching her shoulders while still wet while the back was longer, a few inches below her shoulders. Himiko blinked at her appearance. It looked... nice. It had been so long since she'd looked decent. She'd often see her reflection in the water on the mountain but had stopped when it got painful for her to see how much she'd changed or the new scars that littered her body. 

"What do you think? I know it's not the best, I'm no professional."

"Thanks," Himiko said in a slightly far-off tone. "It... pretty." Kanae blinked at her then giggled. 

~

It had been about two months at this point with Himiko staying at the butterfly mansion. Her speech had improved and she was able to speak small sentences but had to take pretty lengthy pauses. She had also healed enough to be able to use crutches but couldn't rely on them for long distances. Shinobu had also come to visit when she could but couldn't stay long cause of her missions. Currently, Shinobu was sitting next to her on the engawa, the two of them having come out to get some fresh hair. Shinobu was reading some books about medical ailments and poisons, one of the two, Himiko wasn't sure as she'd switch back of forth between the two often and the books always looked similar. 

"What's that?" Shinobu asked peeking over. She had looked up from her book and found Himiko holding two photos. One was of three kids, a boy, and two girls, they looked happy and were smiling brightly. The other was of the same girl in the middle in the first photo but with a short old-looking man with a cane and stubbed leg. Shinobu furrowed her brows looking at the girl, she looked familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time. She glanced at Himiko and back at the photos. After a few seconds, her eyes went wide in realization. It was Himiko, but she looked so different. The Himiko in the photos didn't have on of the scars that the one next to her had. Her hair was also longer and her skin looked soft, untouched. But it was the eyes that set Shinobu off. In the photo, her eyes looked so cheerful, happy... innocent. But with a spark of mischief. Shinobu looked back at Himiko, now her eyes were distant, sometimes a bit cold, but still held that same mischief at times though. They were also harder, no longer holding that same innocence. But also a deep sorrow. Shinobu tilted her head staring at her friend sadly. The mountain had really changed her...

After the silence Shinobu didn't expect an answer, already turning back to her books. "My master." She turned back and saw Himiko holding up the photo of her and the old man a little higher than the other photo. Then she lowered her hand a bit and raised the other one. "My friends." Shinobu hummed as Himiko went back to staring at the photos with a sad look. She then paused. 

Himiko hadn't left the mountain at the time she was supposed to. And she never went back to where her master lived. Never wrote a letter either. Shinobu looked back at Himiko. Her master must think she's dead. "What's your masters name?" 

"Hm?" Himiko looked at her surprised. "Jigoro Kuwajima. Why?" Shinobu ignored her question, standing up. 

"Alright. I have to go, do you need help getting back to your room?" Shinobu looked down at her but Himiko shook her head. Shinobu nodded saying goodbye and walking into the estate. She had a reunion to plan. 

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, AUGUST 31, 1995 Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day. I’ll write about it after I go try to finish up the big cat.

I have my face all made up now and we’re gonna take pictures. One for Sarah and one of us for the puzzle offer.

Later…

Well, it appears that they just might be on their way out, even though there’s no ‘sold’ sign up yet. Interests are so low right now that there are 4-5 houses for sale on this street alone. Anyway, I haven’t heard their dogs all day today. Early in the morning, the dogs go off for 10-15 minutes or so and I didn’t hear them at all. They’ve also got their trailer up front that had been in their backyard. Tom’s probably right about them moving out of state. Probably to Idaho. I pity whoever they move next to cuz now they’ll have to deal with that dog and their new one for nearly a month till the damn things adjust to their new surroundings.

Why aren’t I nervous as all hell about the new neighbors? Especially when I know I’ve got every reason to be nervous, worried, anxious, frustrated, pissed, and whatever else. I guess it’s cuz I’ve already accepted the inevitable. It’s going to be hell. Kids, dogs, company, car doors and the works.

Tom says I should worry more about a 12-year-old boy playing basketball for hours. To me, a 12-year-old boy playing basketball for hours is no worse or better than a 2-year-old screaming for hours.

I thought I just heard them doing something within the trailer, but I’m not sure. Dean probably doesn’t give a shit, but I wonder if Lenore will tell potential buyers about me and do whatever she can do to select potentially quieter neighbors. I doubt it, though. They probably could care less and just want to get the hell out. For all I know, she may try to pick the biggest and most obnoxious-looking family. It doesn’t matter, though, cuz God will do that. He’ll make sure I’m severely compensated for the lack of heavy metal bands and their kids (the M’s), although their dogs do get on my nerves occasionally.

Tom and I fooled around earlier. Neither of us came, but I had an excuse. It’s usually kind of hard for me to cum at the end of my period to about 10 days after.

Karson left a message, but I’ll talk to her another time.

I did more typing of journal 94 today and ought to be done with that tomorrow.

I can’t believe it’s already September. Just about, anyway. Just 6 more days till I call Lenny for something or nothing at all. I know I shouldn’t be getting my hopes way the hell up there. However, I truly am excited! I just can’t wait.

I finished the cat today and took about 6 different shots of it.

Later…

I did single 8th notes, as I said before, on the strip of wall in the hall by the bathroom. I used the overwriters which tend to fade, so I went over them with regular markers. Tomorrow Tom’s gonna seal that and the cat with clear spray paint. Then I’m gonna do G-clefs and 16th notes on the strip in the hall between the living room doorway and the linen closet.

I wonder how and why their dogs would move first if that’s the case. Especially if they really are leaving the state. I was out back just now and when the two dogs bark who are next to them, theirs usually follow, but I heard nothing. Maybe Lenore, the kids, and the dogs are already gone and he’s just here tying up loose ends and will meet up with them in the trailer. He’ll have to hitch some kind of vehicle to the trailer, though.

They’re gone. I just tried calling and the number’s been disconnected. But why is the trailer in the driveway?

When I asked Tom why they could move so soon, a family of 7-8, and not us, he said he probably didn’t recently get laid off and have to start all over again like he did. A person can also move before the house is sold if they want to move that fast. The Realtor sells it.

Well, the swing set is gone. I just stood up on my chair to see the top of it over the block wall and it’s gone. I’ll never hear those dogs again! Yeah, but I wonder what the new dog’s bark is gonna be like? Barking is barking and it’s totally obnoxious!

With all the many houses for sale now, I hope God will hold the hell off and that the place will be empty a bit longer, but I doubt it. This is Arizona! They moved in the same day the first people moved out who were there when I moved in here. They had two dogs and two basketball-playing boys. If I had to guess, there’ll be two dogs and 4 kids. These kids will probably go to public schools and have all kinds of friends over.

This is perfect timing for God to do this to me. Right when it’ll be cooler in less than two months when the kids will be outdoors much more. I’ll be getting hit full blast by them right around the same time the M’s hit me full blast.

No wonder she didn’t go to Idaho in June. They knew they were splitting soon enough.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 30, 1995 I believe tomorrow’s Gloria’s 37th birthday.

I fell asleep around 9 PM and got up 5 hours later. I got more of a period. I feel OK, though, cuz yesterday I slept very long.

I told Tom about the injection, and when I see Dr. Rausch in about a month, I’ll ask him more about it. We originally planned on me not doing anything till January, even though, Tom said to do whatever I want whenever and that he wants a kid. Well, I’m probably gonna get on this stuff as soon as I can cuz I’m sick of his shit and he’ll never change. I’m sick of him not putting his actions where his mouth is and maybe he says he wants a kid, but I don’t. No more games! I don’t care if my getting this stuff hurts him. Don’t you think his bullshit about us having a kid has hurt me more? I’m not gonna be played for a fool. I love him, but he’s not gonna tease me about this subject anymore. He can say he wants a kid 100 times a day. I don’t believe it! If I ever see a day when he cums, then I’ll believe it. And I’m not talking about an occasional orgasm during the times of my cycle when I can’t conceive if all’s OK with me. I want to see some serious, consistent effort before I ever buy anything he says.

How can this guy be such a saint otherwise? How can the same person have every good quality a human can possibly have and be such a liar and a joker on this one subject? Why is he doing this to me? Why is God doing this to me? Just what did I do to get into and deserve this situation? How can a guy tell me so much about how he wants a kid and that I’d be a good mother, yet do absolutely nothing about it?

Well, the otherwise saint was a real saint and hero at work. After only being there 3 months he’s now Employee of the Month. They gave him 3 balloons, candy, a letter opener, shoe polish, and a few other things.

Later…

Tom and Tammy talked yesterday cuz Tammy wanted to ask him about her piece of shit computer she says she’s ready to shoot. Tom’s gonna send her some programs.

A commercial came on for a service we’ll probably never need, but it’s nice to know about it anyway for $40. The number is 1-800-US-SEARCH and they find past/lost friends and family members with a full name provided to them. Is this commercial a sign that yes, I will get Robin’s full name, but have no way to find her? Or find someone who can tell me if she’s dead? I’d start my search in Maine or Massachusetts first, but she could be anywhere.

Later…

Tweak Daddy is leaving early this morning.

Anyway, I’m writing on my bed now with Tom still sound asleep in the bed next door. When I look at him, I feel so much love, but I also feel so much anger. I still feel foolish and awkward about praying to God to help him, cuz only he can help himself.

A part of me is considering returning to dancing just to make him feel part of how I’m feeling, but I don’t think I could stoop that low. Plus, all he’d feel was a little worried. He would not feel the emotions I’m feeling and as deep as I feel them.

As for this injection, I’m very seriously considering it before January. He might pretend this bothers him, but to me, it’s all a show to cover the truth. He had the nerve to say to me, “Well, obviously if you want this, you’re saying you don’t want a child.”

No, I’m saying I don’t want periods until and if I see him cum. Also, even if we had the one kid we want, who needs or wants periods till they hit menopause? The reason why I say he had the nerve to say that is due to how easy it is for me to say, “Obviously if you don’t cum, you’re saying you don’t want a child.”

TUESDAY, AUGUST 29, 1995 Slept nearly 12 hours yesterday. Wow! Sure was beat. I awoke to the start of my period 5 days earlier than it was due, but at least I’ll get early relief this month. It’s only spots now, but hopefully it’ll hit full blast soon enough to get some of this water off me and make my tits less sore.

I found out some excellent news today. I called Cigna and a nurse said I could get a hysterectomy, but there’s a less drastic way. A way that requires no surgery, no having to take pills and no side effects. It’s an injection you get every 12 weeks and it completely stops periods, PMS, and all the emotional and physical BS that’s associated with periods. Tom asked me to please not do anything till January if I’m not pregnant by then. Fine, but when we see that I won’t be, I’m gonna go for this injection. This is also good for people who’ve had all the kids they want, then don’t want to deal with periods till their periods stop. Also, the pill doesn’t really do much. It stops the ovulation, but you still get somewhat of a period and all its related BS.

My left shoulder bugs me from time to time, but I sure have been having my share of back pain/strain/soreness. Tom said I’ve been overdoing and that I should take it easy today. Yeah, I think I will. All I’ve done so far is a bit of typing, some singing, I watched TV, and called Tammy. The girls started school OK and Tammy had school last night. She goes for 3 hours on Monday and Wednesday nights.

Lisa’s Bat mitzvah will be on May 4th. Right now, I still have a medium-strong feeling we’ll be there.

I put the remainder of my tattoos on yesterday, but I screwed up on two of them. The yellow carnation on my thigh and the rose on my tit got a little messed up. I also have a butterfly on my left forearm, a heart with a sword through it on my upper right arm and 3 small sets of double hearts on my hand that go almost to my wrist.

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve heard those kids next door, but it’s great. The only thing I get a few times a day is their dogs barking. They leave those dogs out 24/7 regardless of how the weather is.

Only 8 more days till I call Lenny. I’m psyched, but I’ve got to bear in mind that I may not get anywhere. Despite any reasons I have for being hopeful, I’d still be really shocked if I got a sure name. Even if I do get a sure name, I still might not get anywhere. If she’s alive, she could be living anywhere with an unlisted number.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but yes, Tom definitely is happy with us sleeping together. When we were first talking about it, I was afraid it’d be like sex, only for me. Truthfully, I think he’s into the foreplay, but not the getting-off part. That’s strictly been my thing only, but we know why.

I think I’ll go swimming and keep my color going.

MONDAY, AUGUST 28, 1995 I can’t believe they haven’t sold that house next door yet. It oughta be any day now. Oh, I dread it so much!

Tom almost got me to believe for a tiny bit, for a tiny second yesterday, that he wants a kid. I tried really hard to get him to admit he doesn’t want one, but no such luck. However, there are still excuses, as I knew there’d be. Some are legit, some - who knows, but the point is, there are still excuses. He’s too tired. He’s got to pee. And who’s to say he isn’t beating himself off when he pees?

Andy said the Sarah letter was excellent and that Sarah will really like it.

Today I’m sending Tammy about 7 pictures and 1 to my parents. Soon I’ll have Tom take 1 of me to send to Sarah and 1 of us for that free puzzle offer. After I buy 4 more puzzles, we can fill out a form to have a picture of us made into a puzzle.

Speaking of puzzles, Mom gave Tom a puzzle she got for her birthday. Due to her arthritis, her hands don’t work too well, so I’m gonna put it together for her, then I’ll have to glue it cuz it’s so big. It’s a 1000-piece puzzle that’s quite ugly. Too New England looking.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 27, 1995 I forgot to mention that I canceled my appointment with Dr. Rugg tomorrow. There’s no way I can be awake at that time and I just don’t need to go.

Now I’ll put on the remainder of my tattoos and then do some computer work till I wake Tom up at 7:30.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 26, 1995 My measurements are currently: tits – 34, waist – 25½, hips – 34. This is OK, but I still wish my waist would drop to 24” and that my 20½” thighs would drop to 18” or 19”. If I wasn’t so thick-thighed and thick-waisted, I’d look a hell of a lot better.

Andy left me a message saying that he spoke to Barbara Nicks after he and Michelle went to the outdoor Fleetwood Mac concert (Stevie wasn’t there). He said Barbara said she’d have gone with him if he had called and that he really believes they’ll meet someday. I wouldn’t be surprised if he did end up meeting Stevie someday.

Tom’s sound asleep right now in his bed. I’m writing on my bed to give my back a break from sitting hunched over beading.

Oral sex is still my favorite which I get off by around 98% of the time. However, screwing has been harder for me cuz all that’s on my mind is that it’s only for me (regardless of what he says) and how he’s “Scott M-ing” me with this baby bullshit. Aside from this, things are great between us.

I’m curious to know what his next excuse will be after he’s been in here for a while for why he can’t cum. It’ll probably be that he needs to be in the same bed, then sleeping on top of me, then God only knows what! It could be cuz I don’t have blue hair and yellow eyes for all I know.

Karson’s dad is in the psych ward right now and I guess he’s an alkie and a psycho. In the meantime, till he gets out, she’s gonna look for an apartment with a girl named Amy.

Kim sent me a letter along with 7 Bob letters. She’s not doing too well right now. She mentioned a problem with Doug but didn’t get into it. She’s got female problems. Some kind of extra tissue in her uterus needs to be removed. I wouldn’t be surprised if she were sterile cuz she fits no requirements to be a mother. Cuz she’d be a great mother, doesn’t drink or do drugs, and is smart, a good person, and financially set. She sure does look like a mom, though!

Bob said a few funny things. One of them started off “I honey!” instead of “Hi honey!” Kim wrote next to it “OK, whatever you say.” Then he said he had a new thought - of how he feels she’d be better off if he were dead.

Bull. He’s told both of us this a million times. It’s far from new.

I get a kick out of how he says he dies a little each day when she doesn’t write. He’s been dying a little ever since they met, so how come he’s not long gone?!

Kim says she very well may write him a wacky letter and that if she does, she’ll mail me a copy. That oughta be quite hilarious.

I wonder why neither of us heard anything from Bob about his secret admirer letter which she said she sent? Maybe he’s too embarrassed to bring it up.

I haven’t seen or heard tweak daddy next door getting ready to move. I’ll just enjoy myself till the new kids, dogs, and nightmare arrives and I’m forced and controlled into living just as I would if I were still in an apartment.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 25, 1995 Right now, I could be in a better mood than I’m in right now, but first, I’ll update other stuff.

I got lucky the other day and did two OK drawings and one really good one. They were of the sexy cards in the back of this book.

Yesterday I got Sarah’s 14-page letter. It would’ve equaled the 6 typed pages I sent her, but she wrote big and only on one side of the pages. It was great, though, and she’s much more intelligent than I thought. I expected a carbon copy of Karson (they hate each other, by the way). Her letter was all serious and her envelope was decorated very nicely.

I sent her a 6-page letter today and I also sent a copy to Andy.

I created 3 new files on the computer. Instead of doing all my letters in the ltrs file, I created Karsar for Karson and Sarah, Kimbob for Kim and Bob and Partam for my parents and Tammy.

We got Windows 95 today, an upgraded version of Windows. We’re not sure if we’re gonna like it yet, but at least it has a 30-day trial thing.

I can’t believe it, but Tammy finally sent us 7 pictures. The girls are really growing up and Lisa’s already getting a chest. I cried cuz I miss them so much and Tom understood. I really really hope to see them this spring since we’ll never have a kid. Bill is totally bald, but otherwise he looks healthier than I thought. I thought he’d be very thin after all he’s gone through, but he’s not. Tammy was the hardest to see cuz her two shots were further away. She still looked the same except for her hair color. It’s a goldish color and still as short as it always was.

I slept till 6 PM today, so I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna get to the 5 PM appointment Monday. I feel punished and like this appointment wasn’t meant to be, but for Tom’s sake and peace of mind, I’ll just follow the damn thing through.

Later…

I just had a good cry and that made me feel a little better.

Later, I can go exercise my stomach and the hips God gave me for the child I’ll never carry. Although it’s getting easier, I’m still depressed, frustrated and angry about not being able to have a child.

Tom insists he wants one and isn’t playing games and that I can express my feelings about it, but to stop calling him a liar. Well, I can stop calling him a liar cuz he already knows how I feel, but I can’t stop feeling what I’m feeling.

I wish I could always thoroughly blame myself. I know I can’t have a child even if he would cum, but sometimes I just feel it’d be easier if a doctor told me that for sure. That way I could be 100% sure instead of 99.9% sure and it’d make it easier in certain ways. I’d still feel depressed and angry at God, but not so teased and upset at Tom. There’d be no blame to feel towards him.

I blame him. I blame myself. I blame God.

What did I do wrong? Why is it that God and Tom are doing this to me? Would it really kill me? Would I really be that bad of a mother? Would it really ruin our marriage and end our lives? Or is it cuz we’d be too good at it and that’s not what God wants? Especially with all the Kim’s getting pregnant in this world. Last night Andy told me that Kim was dying to get pregnant. Anything to get attention longer. At first I asked myself why God would let her get pregnant if it was what she wanted. Then I remembered that she still qualifies. She’s still too young, too fucked up, broke, and on drugs.

What do I have to do to qualify? Become the biggest asshole this world’s ever known? What do I do wrong to become pregnant? What does Tom need to do in order to put his actions where his mouth is?

God will let most people who are too young, fucked up, doped out, or that don’t want kids to have them, but not me and my stable, drug-free, middle-class income husband. No. We’re just not bad enough. If I pranked some poor old man with a weak heart who I scared and killed, would that get me pregnant? I had most of the “qualifications” the few times I fucked with Ron and Bruce, so why didn’t I ever get pregnant then? I’m glad I didn’t, but I’d still like to know why.

This leads me to believe that the pregnancy and or childbirth would kill me and God doesn’t want me to die that way. Or maybe I’d be worse than my mother was, beat it to death, end up in jail all my life and God doesn’t want that for me either any more than I do, though I can’t imagine this.

There’s got to be a reason why God put me with a guy who doesn’t cum, which I know is rare. Does God want to tease me through Tom? As far as me believing Tom when he says he can’t cum and that it’s out of his control - no way. Cuz then he wouldn’t be able to get hard like he always does.

His attitude and comments drop too many hints that he’s against a kid. Earlier he said I was angry with him cuz he “hasn’t” made me pregnant, not cuz he “can’t” make me pregnant.

I believe it’s a jealousy issue and that he doesn’t have the faith he says he has as far as me being a good mother. Of course he’s gonna say I’d be a good mom and that he wants one. He’s got to. Gotta cover up the truth. One day he’s gonna break and tell me the truth. He can’t play this fucking game with me forever.

I feel lied to, I feel cheated, I feel punished. I feel angry at God, I feel angry at Tom, I feel angry at myself. I feel embarrassed and like a foolish little sucker. Just as I did when Scott MacNab pulled his fucking shit with me.

Tom says he prefers me not to take birth control. Fine. I don’t like the idea of having to pop pills all over again, but one of these days I’m gonna do for myself and get that hysterectomy.

Knowing the situation is the way it is and the way it’s gonna stay is one thing, but what do I do? Praying has been useless, I can’t make myself qualify, so now what? I know God’s not testing me or wanting me to wait until I get older. I know part of it is compensation.

I’m accepting never having a child a little bit, but I still have a ways to go. What can I do to finally bury it? How can I bury it forever?

I already know for sure that the new neighbors and their dogs will be a nightmare, so why can’t that be compensation in itself for a child? I know, I know. Pleading, begging and wishing are just totally useless. God will never allow me a child and neither will my husband.

Later…

I just played with Piggy who always makes me happy.

Andy and Karson left me messages, but I just don’t feel like doing the phone tonight.

I have things to do. I’ve got 33 more CDs to inventory, along with about 6 other things I want to get done. Or at least work on them.

Later…

I inventoried some more CDs and began re-editing Sally.

I left Andy a message letting him know I just wasn’t in the mood to talk on the phone cuz I wanted to catch up on stuff I do.

My mood could be worse right now, but it still could be better right now, too.

I wonder something else about Tom. Is the reason why he’s so good to me in lots of other ways to make up for his bullshit about the kid? I believe he’d still be good to me in many ways and buy me things, but would he as much if it weren’t for the kid issue?

Is there any possible way that someone in my family could’ve talked him into making sure I never get pregnant? Would my family risk bribing him for fear of him telling me about it? Yeah, I think they would.

Back when I was living on Oswego St. and Crystal was living with me, a similar situation happened. I know I wrote about this in my second journal or so, too. There was no issue of bribery, but when I pranked Nervous’s mother, his sister asked for my parent’s number which the bundle of nerves gave her. She (Nerv’s sister Judy) called my parents who lied left and right to Judy. They said I grew up in mental institutions, they were paying Crystal to watch me, etc. Well, Judy told this to Nervous who told it to me. I know this is exactly the kind of stuff my parents would say which I believe they later admitted. I think they knew it could very well get back to me and no, I don’t think they’re afraid to talk bullshit that I could find out about. I’m sure all they knew I could do about it was to call them up and bitch them out.

If I had to make a list of all the reasons why Tom and God could have that they’re against me having a child, this is what it’d be:

Tom’s reasons for not wanting me to have a child.

Jealousy The financial burden Doesn’t want to deal with it The time it would take up Fear of me being a bad mom My fears, worries and doubts about it Me bitching about how fat I’d be and the pain and discomforts of it My sleep schedule Lack of sleep My smoking My other hobbies, goals, wanting to see my family Arguing over issues concerning the child God’s reasons for not wanting me to have a child.

The financial burden The time it would take up It killing me Other plans for me in life Us fighting over it and our marriage being ruined Cuz I want one Cuz I’m not a druggie or alkie Cuz I’m smart Cuz I don’t have “the look” Cuz I might not be a bad enough mother Cuz I’m not an airhead or an asshole or into major crimes Cuz I’m not too young

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 23, 1995 I finally figured out what to do with those remaining pages in Journal 91. A CD inventory. I’m writing the artists and all the titles on all my 113 CDs.

About an hour ago I went into bed and Tom immediately went for it. The foreplay was great. What was different about it was that it was more intense. As I knew real damn good and well, though, he never came a drop.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 22, 1995 Continuing on: We taped the poster of that on the wall, along with a lion drawing I did and a sign saying PrintBIG, by Mystery Computer Enterprises. I stood in the center of it and he filmed that on the computer.

Tomorrow’s my appointment with Dr. Rugg. How much do you want to bet that Tom will be “too tired” to get back into screwing tomorrow to instill patience into me for God only knows what reason? If he is, though, I guess I can’t blame him since he’s gotta get up at 4 AM.

Another way I know things won’t change sexually with him is cuz of yesterday. He went down on me which made him hard. Then he said, “As soon as this hard-on gets settled down, I’ll get back to work.”

I asked him why doesn’t he let me take care of that for him? No, no, he said, he’d just let it settle down. How fucking weird! I mean, who the hell can live like that? That would just drive me crazy. I hope he managed to relieve himself somehow that night, but that was a verification that he’s still up to his old ways and tricks. He really does only let me do him with my hand so he can harden up to screw me, but only for me.

I got a Bob letter today. Not much is new with him.

Still haven’t heard from Karson or Sarah. Andy says Sarah should definitely write back, but we’re not sure about Karson, even though she says she’s got a few pages done. I’m always skeptical, till I see stuff, though. She did say earlier on the phone that she could read me some of it. I told her not to, cuz I’d rather it be a surprise.

She also told me she was molested when she was about 8 and I’m the only one that knows besides her family. I wonder why people feel they can trust me so much, but that’s nice. She went on and on for quite a while on how she doesn’t get along with her mother.

Later…

I just came into the bedroom to lie down and write. Something I haven’t done much of lately. I don’t spend too much time in here anymore.

Karson doesn’t answer now and Andy must be pissed. When I went to call him his VM was out of service for repair in his area.

Surprisingly, when I came in here, the light woke Tom up. He wasn’t one bit upset by it and has gone back to sleep.

Tomorrow at Dr. Rugg’s I’m really tempted to ask about birth control to wipe out my periods. My periods aren’t the end of the world like they were in my teens, but who wants them? I just don’t like the idea of having to take pills all over again.

I thought I heard the weirdo next door open and shut the van door. I still say they may have been up to something illegal all along and maybe someone’s on to them and that’s why they’re splitting so soon. To home-teach your kids is one thing, but to have only the father go out only to work, and the whole family go out only once a week for a few hours is shady. Plus, God would see to it that they were at least a little off-kilter cuz of the kids.

Anyway, I’m just gonna enjoy the 98% of the peace around here before it’s all gone. And it’s gonna go fast, too. I’ll be lucky if I have 50% peace.

Alex is vacationing in Alaska. I asked him for how long and with whom, but he never said. He must be making really damn good money to be able to afford to go to Alaska. I’m surprised he’s going so soon after starting his job with IBM. He likes his job and his apartment but is lonely there cuz he doesn’t know anyone there. He will, though. He’s an active guy.

Been exercising since, I believe, August 3rd.

Dad’s gonna be up in New England again to do the final flea market show in Brimfield. Lucky for Tammy and Larry and their kids.

I finished coloring the musical notes. I may do more of those. I worked some more on the giant cat. I began to make 15 strands of 100 beads to hang off the old non-usable AC that’s been in the living room. I have other art ideas, too. In the music room, there used to be a window, just like in the bathroom and living room. They were boarded up when they put up the garbage and added the back room. Now they’re just hollowed out. I was thinking of trying to draw an outside scene in it. I still have several projects. Editing, medley work, puzzles, and whatever else I can do.

I think I may have had another experience with Robin last night.

I know it’ll do me no good, but I chatted with God last night. I told Him I understand his reasons for compensation, but please! Please don’t let the new neighbors ruin my peace and life.

I also don’t think it’ll do me any good to ask Him to allow Tom to allow himself to cum, but I did.

A very good question just came to mind, before I get on with it. If He connected me to Tom, then how and why wouldn’t He want me to have a child? Why not just send me the right woman if a child wasn’t in the cards? Maybe He does want me to wait quite a while if it is gonna happen. Just wish it could be up to me for once.

Anyway, after I pleaded with Him, I sensed Robin lying beside me. She was trying to reassure me that I need not worry at all. Also, she was so proud of my accomplishments (getting off the Theo and sleeping with Tom). She insisted she and God wouldn’t ruin my peace and life and that she was sorry she can’t always be here. Guess she’s been busy on other missions or whatever. She loves me, keep on with Labor Day (the call) cuz in the end, I’ll get what I need.

I’m really wondering if she isn’t all one big joke or my imagination cuz I know I’ve got shit to worry about with the new neighbors. It’s gonna be hell and I know it.

I’m still not sure I fully believe in her spirit or God, but the baby desires have gone way way way down since I asked for help on being able to deal with never having a kid.

Later…

Boy, was I pissed off earlier today! This morning I told Tom I had a strong feeling of something being delayed. He said I was probably just nervous and not to worry. Sure enough, though, when I got up at 2:30, there was a message having to cancel Dr. Rugg’s appointment cuz of an emergency. So now I have to start all over again, keeping my schedule intact till next week, and after Friday - no sex. Tom says it’s no big deal, I’m worth it and in a way, it makes sex better cuz of the wait. That’s true.

He says he wants to screw in the morning and feels so much more at peace with our sleeping together. Me too. I feel so much more “normal.”

Later…

Tom and I swam earlier, then I swam by myself after he went to bed.

The program has been sent out on AOL.

I spoke to Karson a little while ago who called to let me know Gloria was on TV. She was doing an AIDS benefit concert with a few others. She sang a song from her greatest hits CD, as well as a few oldies. She still looks fat, but not as fat as I thought she’d look.

MONDAY, AUGUST 21, 1995 Yes, peanuts definitely help me shit better. Just when I thought I was gonna be constipated again, I ate some peanuts, gave the shells to Piggy, and a few hours later I took a dump.

Just when I thought I wasn’t gonna do anymore wall art, either, I am. Tom got me several boxes of markers, so I began to do a humongous cat in the music room. It goes from the ceiling to the floor.

Anyway, I was using black and gray for the cat, but as I started blending it, it began to turn green. Tom says there are green elements in black and gray. So, I said fuck it. I’ll just do a far-out, multicolored cat. I’ve got the head done, but the rest may take some time, as it’s so big.

I’m also doing musical notes on the little strip of wall between the hall closet and the bathroom. I took one of the 3 plastic notes (musical) I got in 1986 or 1987 and traced 9 of those. I’m using the under/over markers for it.

Later…

I didn’t get to finish writing about the business the other night cuz I just didn’t feel like it, but now I will. Tomorrow we’re gonna launch the PrintBMP and the PrintBIG programs since this weekend’s work took us longer than anticipated.

I wonder, though, could it be an example set by Tom? About a week ago he said he had a deadline to get those out for sale on America Online by yesterday. Did he deliberately delay it cuz of a comment I had made (jokingly)? I said, “Yeah, I have a deadline to find out I’m pregnant for my birthday.”

Could he have done it to show me how much longer things are gonna take? Along with other things he’s delayed? I don’t know, cuz by the way he was talking, he sounded pretty ambitious, so who the hell knows.

Anyway, I set up a display to film on the computer to make a poster. I put a white sheet on the kitchen table and the wall around it. Then I put the big stuffed tiger, flowers, a little stuffed kitty, and two pretty journals as a display.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 20, 1995 I was just bitching to Andy all about my inevitable doom from our new neighbors. He said, “I hate to say this, but you better hope Mexicans don’t move in there cuz they fix their cars all damn day, have a million family members and friends over, party all the time, and don’t care if they’re crammed into a smaller house.”

Yeah, I know. I remember that damn butch at the Vista Ventana who crammed her 10 little brothers into her 400-square-foot studio. I also remember how it was the Puerto Ricans always working on their cars on Oswego St.

Anyway, Andy’s vibes also say that I have every reason to worry. Oh, I know I do. I can’t help but think about it. This is the calm before the storm and I know that storm’s right around the corner. Only a week or two left to go. People sell their houses really damn fast here in Arizona. I think I would definitely take kids and dogs to a Mexican family. Better yet, I’d rather have to deal with and listen to my own kid.

This doesn’t hurt or anger me as much anymore, but I’ll probably mention it all my life. It’s another thing I just know. My otherwise loving and honest husband is gonna play me for a fool after I see Dr. Rugg for the third fucking time. I know Tom will never cum and I still don’t believe it’s cuz he can’t cum. Never have believed that, never will. He’s already told me too many lies pertaining to sex and a kid for me not to know better. He’s been insisting that our now sleeping together is what he needs in order to cum. Then how did he “think” I’d be pregnant at various other times when we weren’t sleeping together? Earlier, I said I’d like to do whatever it took to have a kid. Then he goes, “So, what are you gonna do? Run out and cheat on me?” I know he meant for me to take that as a joke, but I saw right through him. He may as well just have come right out and said, “Oh, no you’re not. I hold the sperm, lady, and you ain’t getting any of it cuz we are not having a child.”

OK, Tom. Whatever you say. There are other things I can do in this world. I do value my sleep and our time together and much more. I do want to go to CA, to see my family and other places.

You know what I wonder about them next door? How can they afford to move so soon? What are they doing that we’re not that enables a family of 7-8 to move, but not a family of two? Life just isn’t fair. This is when I have to count the blessings that I do have.

Perhaps they won’t sell to Mexicans cuz they’re friends with the other household next to them. The other house also has kids, though, so they won’t hear the parties and car repairs over that. I wonder if they’ll tell prospective buyers how I complained about the kids? Tom says he doubts it. The good thing about it is that I have the fan to sleep with. I didn’t have it when they were moving in and they constantly woke me up. Anyway, there’ll be no such thing anymore as being able to sit and do whatever with no music on or some kind of background noise to drown them out. There’ll be no such thing anymore as a quiet backyard.

Later…

I just checked my horoscopes throughout the rest of this month. It doesn’t seem to hint at any major crisis, but my feelings say that the new people may move in on the 27th.

I’m 104 fucking pounds! Why? Is it cuz of coming off the Theodur? I haven’t changed my eating habits and have been exercising. I think it’s cuz my last period was so very light. I’m backed up with water. A woman can have “period constipation,” just like both women and men get constipated from not shitting.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 19, 1995 Boy, do I ever have fears, worries and apprehensions. I don’t think, I know I am about to go through a hellish nightmare. Don’t get me wrong - I’m actually in a fine mood right now. It’s just another thing coming up that I know I can’t escape. It’s inevitable.

I know I’ve made the following two statements before to Tom, Andy, and in my journals. They are, “Watch, with my luck, now that they’ve been so quiet next door, they’ll move.” And also, “Things have been so much quieter around here that I fear compensation.”

Well, the first one is happening and the second one will happen. I knew God just couldn’t and wouldn’t keep the peace around here a continuous blessing. He just wants noise from mainly kids and dogs to be a constant part of my life.

I can’t believe they’re moving already! Did she know this when I sent the letter about the kids and is that the only reason why she shut the kids up? Did she say to herself, OK, OK. I’ll shut them up cuz we’re gonna move in a matter of months anyway. I wonder why. Tom speculates it’s cuz they don’t like the city and are probably moving out of state. Probably to Idaho. She said she hates the heat here.

Anyway, I know there’ll be several obnoxious kids moving in there (although one’s enough to deal with and listen to). There’ll definitely be at least one dog I’ll have to listen to, probably for way more than the month or so their dog barked non-stop when they first got here.

I’m so tempted to beg God to please let it be a couple like Tom and I or an elderly person. Someone with very little company, no kids and no dogs!

But I know better. It’s gonna happen. I’ve just got to face it and deal with it. I only hope and pray that when it comes time for me to go over there or send them a “please quiet down” letter that they give a shit. About 90% of the population wouldn’t have been so kind, considerate and understanding about it as Lenore was. I’m so pissed, though. I know there are gonna be loud kids. I know there are gonna be loud dogs. It just ticks me off so much and makes me so nervous that I’ve got to try not to think about it till it happens. And it will happen.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 18, 1995 Can’t sleep yet, so I may as well write. Or maybe not since I can’t think of anything to say.

I think I’ll go work on my puzzle.

Later…

Not much has happened since I last wrote. I talked to Larry today and I finally remembered to ask him how long he and Sandy have been married. Since 1977.

He said he also called Tammy on her birthday, but couldn’t call me cuz he put the phone down and fell asleep and she was still there when he awoke the next morning.

Also, he’s waiting for money from the bank to buy some tractor-trailers and work in an office.

I told him in my letter not to get an office in Springfield cuz his windows will get smashed every night.

Karson just called and I’ll probably talk to her and Andy tonight.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 17, 1995 When Tom got home he fixed the phone in the bedroom, oiled the squeaky bedroom doorknob, and called Tammy with me.

We also went swimming and ordered a pizza before going down on me.

Yesterday Andy told me he was pissed cuz Bug’s decided to keep her baby and not do the right thing. He asked her how she was gonna afford to take care of it when she can’t even afford to take care of herself. Her brilliant answer was that she’d worry about it when the time came. Fine time to start worrying! She’ll just be another welfare mom. She was supposed to have her 7-year-old son who’s living with his dad in Florida come live with her, but she can’t afford him, either. As I reminded Andy, this is how God wants it. She can forget about ever bothering to write to me cuz I don’t want anything to do with her.

Last night I spoke with Andy, Karson and Quinn’s girlfriend Jen. It was pretty funny. Everyone loved it when I said the line: Karson, I heard they used you to impregnate a bunny. She recorded us on her regular answering machine. Then she gave me her code to record it, but it sounds terribly distorted.

Yesterday, Tom and I were checking out a magazine on Prodigy. It listed the 300 biggest cities, then put them in order from best to worst. The lower the number, the better. Phoenix was at 94. Springfield was at 278.

Later…

Today was a fairly decent day which became a little dismal. I feel it was my fault, though. The baby desires were kicking in which I should’ve known better is an obvious turn-off to Tom, no matter what he says. I have to remember and keep in mind that no matter how much he says he wants a kid - he doesn’t. No matter how much he says he’ll cum - he won’t. He says he feels like we’re still newlyweds cuz we just started sleeping together. I’m not gonna buy into his teasing games of having a kid, though. After I see Dr. Rugg, which is a legit excuse where we can’t screw, there’ll be some other excuse where we don’t do it more often and why he can’t cum.

I was really annoyed today when we were at McDonald’s. Well, the kids get rowdier and noisier, as parents are less able and willing to control their kids. It was a zoo in there. The point is, well, I could be wrong, but didn’t he eat much much slower than usual to rub it into my face?

Earlier I had him go down on me, but I could not cum cuz I felt bad for taking him away from his baseball game on TV. I still feel that that and a few other things are a higher priority than sex. I laughed earlier when he told me he’s horny all the time. Well, he does a damn good job at hiding it! I’m sure he relieves himself in his wet dreams and in the bathroom. He always goes to the bathroom before we do anything. Could this be to relieve himself so he won’t get off with me? Sometimes he doesn’t seem like he’s in there long enough to get off, but who knows?

Sexually, he just is not your typical male. Non-sexually, yes, but without the violent side, of course.

Dr. Nielsen says my ear looks great. He removed tons of dead skin from the graft and I’ll be seeing him again in 3 months. On November 16.

After the appointment was when we went to McDonald’s, then to the grocery store where we picked up a few things.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 16, 1995 Two out of 3 calls have been made to Tammy. The first time I called Bill answered saying she was at her neighbor Tammy’s pool. Andy and I called the second time and I let her know Tom and I would call her back later.

Andy figured out his fingerspelling message on the phone.

I’m shocked at just how happy Karson was to get my letter. Andy played me two messages she left him saying she couldn’t wait to read my letter to him. Andy liked it. Especially my question: How come the sun makes things lighter and people darker? Well, it’s an honest, legit question!

He said she said she began writing me back and when Andy asked her to read what she wrote so far, she said no, it was too personal. Really? She said Andy knows everything about her, so what would she have to tell me that’s so personal? Naturally, I’ll read it to Andy, but we won’t tell her that.

Sarah should get my letter today.

Later…

I just spoke to Karson who says I can read her letter to others when I get it. This could be pure bullshit, but she claims she got around 90 free CDs from Power 95 radio station cuz she knows people there and that she can also get me CDs. She’s also a big Gloria fan.

I made an appointment to see Dr. Rugg for 5 PM on the 21st. No sex for me till the 22nd if Tom’s up to it then and awake enough for it. Thank God I’m not due for my period on the 23rd - 25th or so, cuz I’d be so horny. They told me no sex 3-4 days before the appointment, but Tom said we should make it 5 days before. Anything for him to get out of it, huh?

So far our sleeping together hasn’t made him any hornier, but we’ll see when he’s less horny. I woke twice last night. Once he was snoring so incredibly loud. It was like this crackling sound. I yelled at him to stop and he did. Then I awoke cuz the door handle squeaked, but I was ready to get up then, anyway. He said he overslept. I didn’t hear his alarm, at least.

Gotta see Dr. Nielsen tomorrow.

I hooked up the phone that was in the bedroom in here, but I can’t get a dial tone.

I figured out what I’m gonna do with those 104 remaining pages, not 105 cuz I forgot Tom wrote a page. I’ll list each journal, my age, city, street, state, and year it was written. Then my neighbors and any significant events I can think of or remember off the top of my head. Of course, I could be off a book or two. I said Crystal lived with me in #1, but I think it was more like #2.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 15, 1995 Again, I had no problems sleeping last night.

I called Karson last night. We had a quick, but nice chat. She and Andy left me messages last night. Usually, if I don’t talk to Andy at night, he calls at around 1:30 PM when he wakes up.

Labor Day is the 4th, but I’m not gonna call Lenny till the 6th. So, there are 23 more days to go.

Today I’m mailing out pictures to Tammy and my parents. Also, 6-page letters to Sarah and Andy.

We tried to superimpose a picture of me standing with my arms both down by my side and raised up over my head. It came out blurry and funny and there were 4 copies of it, so I’m sending Andy one.

It’s still nice and quiet in this room. The only time I hear barking is in the early evening, but it’s nothing too constant or severe.

Later…

If I stop in the middle of a sentence, it’s cuz Andy may call.

Yesterday Tom told me he had a dream that he was telling someone else that he had a dream that he went to a kangaroo race where each kangaroo was a different, yet solid color. Blue, green, red, etc.

Now that the side of my journal bookcase is exposed and I don’t have it jammed up against the waterbed, I redid my large print journal chart so I can see each one well. It takes up 4 pages. I used 4 different colors for each page - pink, green, purple and blue.

I also dimmed the too-brightly lit clock on the other VCR which is now in the bedroom. I put 4 pieces of tape over it. This way it’s dim, but you can still read the time at night. Or even in the day since it’s always so dark in there with no lights on.

They have this obnoxious security light next door. It’s always been there. Even before they moved in over there. Certain sounds or motions trip it off. So, it can be pleasantly and relaxingly dark in here while I’m listening to music, then that thing glares on.

The non-sleeping, possibly tweaker daddy just came home. This is an odd time for that. Maybe Lenore had to go for a check-up for her hundredth kid.

What do I do with 105 spare pages, let alone 100 as I thought it’d be? I finished copying the remainder of my story into 91, so now I’ll have to decide what to do with those 105 remaining pages.

Later…

I will never buy another L’Oreal product for as long as I live. This Megahard product has proven to be useless. It chips off just as quickly and as easily as regular nail polish does.

Anyway, Karson called all happy about getting my letter. She could read it, too. We were wondering if she was illiterate. She says she’ll write me back. She says she writes sloppily. I don’t care about misspelled words, but I hate sloppy, hard-to-read letters. She said she’ll try to get over to her mother’s house, who also lives in Mesa, to use her computer to do my letter on, but it can’t do any fancy fonts. That’s OK. She said she’s not gonna toss my letter in an NPN envelope; she’s gonna keep it.

She too, hates the name Jodi just as much as I do. She also hates MA. She went to Quincy, Dorset and Braintree a few years ago at Christmas time.

Hopefully, Sarah will get her letter tomorrow in Cucamonga, CA. Andy loved his last letter, saying it was so funny.

He says he hasn’t figured out the fingerspelling message but thinks someone he knows at work can. What’s the big deal? How can he not figure it out when I wrote the letters in when I first printed out the alphabet? Well, he did say that although it’s cool, he can’t deal with it.

I got a little more color today. The nice thing about it is, is that I look more brownish for a change, rather than reddish. I hate red/pink-tinged skin.

Later…

Tom just called to tell me he’s running late but will be home in about half an hour.

I was doing some word search puzzles, but now I’m bored. I’m still outside now where it’s still hot and humid. Not as hot and humid, though.

Later…

Tom’s home now eating the hot dogs and cheesy potatoes I made him.

He’s been up since 1:30 last night. Must’ve been not too long after I fell asleep. He said he should’ve gone to the bathroom before bed, cuz if he doesn’t, he wakes up having to go.

It’s a good thing I’m not horny now cuz there’s no way we’re having sex tonight. Probably not till after my appointment.

Tomorrow’s Tammy’s birthday. I asked Tom if he wanted me to go ahead and call her whenever I could, or wait till he came home. He said, go ahead and call, since it’s later in the east, then we’ll call again together after he gets home.

Later…

Karson just called again, so we’re chatting.

Tom told me of an awesome idea he had. He said he was gonna surprise me, but decided to tell me about it cuz he was excited about it. He wants to cut a square piece of wood and glue a picture of his choice that I drew onto it. Then he’s gonna trace the lines with a carving knife. How cool!

No barking at all today or this evening. God, please keep it that way! They’ve been great. He hasn’t even sat there gunning that van for 45 minutes.

So, after Tom ate he closed the vents in the bedrooms even more for the second time since it was still an icebox in them. Then he took out the garbage and then we went swimming. Then he came in and played golf on the computer while I gave the birds more birdseed. Shortly after that, he went to bed.

He says he likes the fan being on, too. I didn’t ask him why, so I’ll have to ask him why cuz I’m curious.

Later…

It’s cloudy, windy and drizzling out there now. I love it when it’s brighter at night like it is now, which is weird since it’s cloudy and there’s no moon. I could practically read this out there now. I can see the drain at the deepest part of the pool and can read “paddock pools” printed on the top step. I usually can’t see the drain, let alone read the pool name on the top step.

Later…

I’ve actually come to hope they stick around next door till we move. As far as the dog situation goes, there are other houses where dogs bark way more. The houses 2 and 3 houses down, the old man on the other corner of N. 21 Ave. and W. Weldon. I only hope there are no problems when the weather cools down. On the other hand, Tom said the dogs are out when it’s a scorcher. He’s seen them when he’s gone up on the roof to adjust the cooler and stuff like that constantly. He said as long as they have shade and water, they’re fine. So maybe the winter will be OK. Their first dog was fine last winter. It was only when they first got here that I wanted to kill it. I would prefer to not ever hear other people’s noise or animals, but if it doesn’t get any worse than it has been, great.

Karson’s been a cool phone pal, but I’m gonna do what Andy’s done for over a year and what he says he will always do and that’s to never meet her in person. We like that mystery behind our phone pal, who may also be an occasional pen pal for me too. Andy has other friends that know what she looks like. Supposedly she’s straight, but we hear she’s fat, bald and dyky.

Tom adjusted the vents perfectly this time. It’s very comfy in here, and oh shit! We’re gonna have to get another portable heater. That’s just life.

Later…

I know I’m being a bad girl by smoking in this room. I just get sick of running out back, but I may as well.

Later…

OK, I’m back.

I think tomorrow I’ll take the phone that’s in the bedroom and stick it in here.

MONDAY, AUGUST 14, 1995 I can’t believe how much we did yesterday! Also, I can’t believe the cute neat room I’m in right now was once Tom’s trashed bedroom. I think he misses having even less space to trash, though.

I slept just fine last night. I heard him leave as I was getting up, so we’ll have to see how well he slept when he comes home. He should be home within a half-hour.

I’m amazed at how quiet it’s been in this bedroom so far! I thought I’d have to have the music on constantly to drown out the dogs. Oh, I hope it stays this way!

Anyway, I really hope Tom’s heart is as much in this as mine is and as he says it is.

I would still bet a million bucks that Tom will never let go and cum. I don’t see how this or anything else could change him with that after all this time. Now that we’re sleeping together (almost) he’ll make up some new excuse as to why he’s not cumming. I will try to give him the benefit of the doubt and give it about a month.

The good news is that the baby desire is quite low. As long as I have no reason to believe pregnancy is possible, I like it this way. It makes my life easier and I’m not so anxious, depressed, or bitter with Tom.

There’s still room in here to throw Tom’s bed in here in case one of us is very backed up in our sleep, but I can’t see that happening. I sure hope not as I really love this change!

Later…

Tom’s home now and he slept just fine. I’m cooking us pork chops right now.

Well, I may have an excuse of my own for him not to cum for another 6 months to a year or so. Tammy doesn’t have a date yet, but in either late March or early April, Lisa will be having her Bat mitzvah. Mom and Dad are gonna be there and she’d like us to be there, but it’s too far off to know if we can make it then. It’d be nice to not have a kid so we could go and see everyone at once. Then in the future years, we can either just go to New England or just go to Florida. I’m sure there’ll be no kid and that we can go. Somehow we’ll get there in 1996. How much do you want to bet, though, that if it were our kid, Mom and Dad would never be there no matter where they lived? She said to us on the phone, though, she trusts whatever we do. I’ll have to remind her of that statement and how she raves of Tom and of how far I’ve come if we have a kid by a miracle. I may not even bother, though, if I was pregnant and she gave us any shit. I mean, I may either not bother telling her or defend myself if I do. Why bother worrying about a bridge I’ll never cross? Yes, my very, very strong vibe is setting in. I know he’ll never cum.

Speaking of my other vibes, I hope the results aren’t the opposite of what I feel for Labor Day. Before when I called Barbara, I had a bad vibe but got good results. I hope that cuz I have a good vibe for Labor Day that doesn’t mean that I’ll get nowhere. We’ll see in a few weeks. I left Barbara a message saying I got ahold of Leonard and will let her know if I get any news after I talk to him.

I’m done eating and after Tom gets done eating, we’ll go through the pictures together. There are about 7 I want to get copies of.

Karson tried calling last night, but she obviously called after I crashed.

Tom closed the bedroom vents a little cuz it was an icebox in those rooms.

Tonight, I’m gonna start Sarah’s letter.

Anyway, the bedroom looks a little funny with the two beds side by side like I thought it might, but who gives a shit? It’s our house. In the bedroom, there are also the vanity, the dresser, and a little flowered cardboard chest of drawers. In the music room, as I call it, is the stereo, Tom’s dresser, a night table, the tall bookcase with all the journals, and this table I’m writing on. I began redoing the walls and now there’s plenty of more room on the walls for wall art and puzzles.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 13, 1995 Tom’s setting up the waterbed which we just drained. Once the beds are set up, it should be much easier from there. Then it’ll just be a matter of dusting, vacuuming, and throwing the remainder of our stuff and furniture back into place wherever.

Well, I finished Karson’s letter, throughout all our work. Karson Brewington is her full name. Next, I’ll be doing a letter for Sarah Sandy. I did a 4-page letter for Karson using 6 different fonts. I’ll probably do a 6-page letter for Sarah and we’ll see if she doubles it and sends me a 12-page letter. I wonder if Karson will write me back. We shall soon see.

Andy said he dumped Kim for good (I hope). It’s for two reasons. Cuz she lies and is having a baby she’s too young for and not ready for.

And God doesn’t make any mistakes? I wonder about this one.

He says he wishes it were mine.

Tom told me last night that I don’t even know him sexually yet and that it was impossible for him to “be himself” sexually while we weren’t sleeping together. Time will tell if he’s all talk or not on that one.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 12, 1995 Tom and I spoke to Mom earlier, but Dad was at the flea market. She seemed to be in a really good mood. I asked her if she was used to being married for so long and to ask the same question to Dad. She said they were only dating.

I’ll be 72 when we’re married for 44 years. Damn!

I told her that I put in a request for recipes to her in my letter. During Jewish holidays as I was growing up, we’d have a couple of things that were so good.

In response to my note, Tom said we can begin the preliminary rearranging which needs to be done anyway, then we can decide from there if we want to continue with it. I don’t know. His heart just doesn’t seem into it. We agreed it’ll probably take 1-3 weekends to move all the stuff, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Mr. Instill-Patience-in-Jodi took much longer.

Today’s another fine example of just how much he says he’s interested in sex and wants to do it more often. If this is true, then why is he out watching TV when he’s not working on the back room? Why can’t he make time for us? Well, I can’t force him.

Later we’re going out to develop some film and also pick up some wire earring holders for my beaded lampshade.

Later…

I just finished a letter to Alex. I also did letters for my parents, Tammy and Andy.

When I had given Andy a few NPN envelopes with a letter I had sent Kim in fingerspelling he thought it was really neat. So for his letter, I printed the alphabet, wrote the letters next to each one, then a message for him to figure out. The message said: Tom is eating pizza while I’m typing this letter to my favorite femmy.

It’s hard to believe that I’m only 5 journals away from 100!

Later…

I only have a few minutes to write cuz we’re gonna be leaving.

Today I have letters going out to Andy, Tammy, Alex, Bob, and my parents. Monday I’ll send out letters to Minnie, Kim, Karson, and Sarah, but I’ll explain that later.

Later…

Just got in. We ate, picked up two new journals, and some earring wires.

We also got pictures developed. Some look good and some look shitty.

Sarah, who lives in CA has been a friend of Andy’s for a while. He says she loves to write and will send me double the amount of writing I send her. Andy said she’s read and liked stuff I’ve written before, so I could write to her if I wanted. I’ll be writing to her and to Karson.

Later…

I’ve been up for 12 hours now, so I’m getting sort of tired. I’ve been tired a lot lately and Tom says it’s cuz I stopped my vitamins which is a very big and important thing to keep up on once you begin them. I stopped cuz he accidentally got orange ones. Yuck!

Tom may be a little too non-physical, but not with the back room. He really made some major progress with it and in his room as well.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 11, 1995 Nervous is 54 today and tomorrow’s Fran’s birthday. He’ll be somewhere between 32-34.

Tom surprised me again by agreeing to move his bed and TV in here and my stereo into his room. I wouldn’t be shocked if he waited a while on this one, but that’s cool.

He says he wants sex to be more spontaneous and to be able to wake up horny and have sex every now and then as long as we’re both well-rested. He says this is what he needs to up his sexual drive and to cum. Time will tell if his actions on that will be put where his mouth is. Meanwhile, dealing with not having a kid is still much easier in general and for this I’m grateful.

Later…

I spoke to Andy earlier who had me tape onto his message tape and edit a great convo he and Karson left on his machine last night. I did edit it and I left it on his machine. The pregnant dope child (Kim) left him two messages.

We were talking the other night about how if someone were to try to kick that baby right out of her stomach, I’d cheer them on. Where do you draw the line between not telling others what to do with their lives, and kids/druggies/abusers having kids? This burns me up even if I didn’t ever want a child. I know all too well what it’s like to be an unwanted child and there are just too many of them. Not to mention those born to the other types of people I just mentioned.

Anyway, Andy mentioned something about her being over at their other friend’s places and that maybe she lied about being pregnant (I hope). He also said she said they were all trying to beat her up at one point and that she ran for her life and mentioned going back to her dad’s in CA. This is the one that also lies all the time. So her first message said, “I suppose you’re mad at me, but please call me.”

The other one mentioned her going to St. Joe’s Hospital.

We got the 5 books of sticker stamps we ordered. They’re so much better than regular stamps.

Got a letter from Alex which he did on his work computer at work. It was nice with a cartoon character, then - Greetings from Vermont. It was a full-page letter. He says he still likes sending regular letters every so often besides email. I’ll send him a regular letter, too. It’ll give him a chance to see some new address labels.

We sent email messages to each other today. His job’s OK, but he’s very lonely. I think he wishes he was married and had kids. He sure does want to be with someone long-term, though. He also says he asked Kim over the TTY why their encounters never took a serious turn. I don’t think Alex is Kim’s type.

Later…

Tom got home a half-hour ago. He picked up something from Arby’s and got me KFC.

What a case of “Bronco Piggy” earlier, too. After we ate, I brought him out to the living room floor where he got all playful and hyped up with running around. They shake their heads, jump, and buck when they’re playful.

He’s finally starting to use his new burrow. I guess it was just that the heavy wood was overwhelming to him after being so used to flimsy cardboard ones.

Later…

Last night Andy had a wonderful 35-minute conversation with Barbara Nicks (Stevie’s mother). He said he was really nervous talking to her. As nervous as he’d be talking to Stevie. Then he said she said not to be nervous at all cuz she’s just like any other person. She knows of his friend Michelle from her store in Payson, AZ where I guess she sells decorative stuff mainly. Michelle brought her some Halloween decorations, went trick or treating at her house once, and Barbara says she’ll put her stuff on display this Halloween. He told her his name and number and truthfully how he got her number. Michelle had a business phonebook with a 1976 listing of it.

Andy wouldn’t tell her, of course, about stealing Stevie’s garbage and all the information he’s now got.

Barbara told him she just listened to Stevie’s latest demo and that he’ll be happy to know she’s written some beautiful songs. Barbara said she’d love to hear the many bootleg songs he’s got. I advised him to wait on that and to be careful. He shouldn’t lend his original copies cuz he doesn’t know if she won’t return them. She was surprised he knew Stevie’s address, saying she had thought it was a well-guarded secret. He assured her, though, that he’d never invade her privacy.

Anyway, he says she was very sweet and that he could call anytime he wanted. Cool. Just maybe he will meet Stevie someday if he gets chummy with Barbara.

Oh, I just can’t fucking wait till after Labor Day! I hope to hell that when I call him, he doesn’t brush me off as I feared Barbara M would.

I tossed an idea at Tom who said that should be spontaneous, too. My idea was to start the kid next June (like he really ever could!). Why? Cuz that’d give us more time to have a life, and have each other without a third party in the way full-time (I hope I won’t feel that way, though). To let us adjust to sleeping together or in the same room. To give us a better chance of seeing my family in May. Lastly, to avoid being at the end of the pregnancy during the hottest part of the year. Then again, I wouldn’t be going out very often at all if I was pregnant and I certainly wouldn’t be in a bikini tanning! Anyway, the spontaneity of it does sound good and it’d be also just as easy for me to find reasons not to have a kid for 10 years. Or right now. Or never.

Later…

Tom and I were just discussing the last of the room arranging details. It oughta be done over the next 1-3 weekends. We are gonna drain and move the waterbed down so we can lay our beds side by side. For the most part, neither of us will be in here except to sleep.

I just really hope to hell this works out. Our new arrangement, I mean. I don’t see why it shouldn’t. Hopefully, the next step will be to drain the waterbed to put the one we want in the waterbed frame and move his to wherever.

I also hope it won’t be years before we can get that mattress, better yet move! On the other hand, the move’s gonna be a bitch and I feel really bad about it. It was all my idea and my idea only and I know he’s not looking forward to this. The guy’s busy enough with enough projects. So we wait a year or two for the bed we want and the kid - big deal. And you know my opinion about his cumming and the kid. It’s not gonna happen. I don’t want a kid bad enough to slave him through the ground like that.

I just put the cooler on for fresh air and man is it humid out!

I began letters to Tammy and my parents today. I still have Andy’s to do, as well as one for Alex.

Later…

I just left him a note concerning all my thoughts about the rearranging. He’ll probably be getting up before me. This way he’s had time to think about it. I need and want the final decision to be his. Right now, I feel as if he’s doing this all for me, just to make me happy. It’s like how I feel about sex. It’s all for me and to please me only, which would be fine with anyone else.

Well, I’ve got to go change channels on the VCR for stuff I’m recording.

Later…

Wrong. I don’t have to change channels till 9:00. It sure is windy as all hell out there now. I wonder how the TV reception will be. Well, these aren’t movies I’m just dying to see, so if they don’t come out well - fine.

Anyway, Tom is the most confusing and strangest person I’ve ever known as far as sex goes. If I could only make love to Tom on a bed of nails at planned times, I’d still have no problem with it and getting off cuz I love him. Isn’t what’s in your heart and mind supposed to be what really counts when you love someone and are in a relationship, making getting off all the easier and more natural? If you hate the person or aren’t attracted to them, or both, then I can see there being a big problem. He told me yesterday he needs to sleep with me in order for things to change sexually, meaning for him to cum. That’s not what he usually says. Why does he have to keep changing his story on this? Is it part of a game? What does he really want from me? He’s told me, but obviously, I’m either not able to deliver and please him in ways, or he’s not making himself clear enough to me. I like to take care of myself most of the time still, but I wouldn’t be surprised if we were sleeping together and there were a series of new excuses for not having too much sex and no cumming. What about earlier tonight for example? There was plenty of time for way more than just a quickie, but all he did was the TV and the computer in between our discussions.

Anyway, here’s a list of some of my own projects that I want to do. As far as taping goes, I still need to do more editing and more medley work. There are more beading ideas to try out, as well as making that beaded barrette off of the bead loom. Gotta experiment with that Melody Maestro and maybe write some more lyrics. Gotta finish copying my story, and I know there are other things to be doing. I still haven’t decided on what I’ll do with the 100 pages or so that’ll remain in 91, but I’ll come up with something.

Did I write about the lampshade I decorated yet? I’m hanging strands of beads off of it with earring wires.

I decided not to bother with making an up-duct mobile.

Now it’s time to change channels, so I’ll be right back.

Later…

Fuck changing channels. The reception’s pretty lousy. Thank God there’s no movie in which I felt I just absolutely had to see.

Well, it looks like today is the day I’ll be going onto journal 95. I didn’t think I’d get to it till Monday.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 10, 1995 Got a letter from Bob today in which he also enclosed that letter he got from Minnie saying she was cutting him off for her son’s sake. So basically, Minnie got nasty on Bob while she was doing what she had to do, huh? I read the letter to Kim and Andy cuz we all talked today (the Kim from Massachusetts) I played Kim part of Sally’s tape and now that I know Andy’s friend has a few copies, he’s gonna give me one to send to Kim.

She was looking up drugs in her medical book on stuff Stevie’s taking when our discussion began with some interesting experiences she’s had in the ER. This woman had had kids, and naturally, kids make you fat. So when she was in the triage area, she was told she was pregnant and she didn’t even know it. Another woman was so fat, didn’t know it, came into the ER with abdominal pain and had a baby 5 minutes later. So I asked her if they got their periods and she said they had gotten all or some of them, but that they were really light. She said no, that’s not the norm but it does happen, and I guess she would know being a nurse and all that. I asked her how the blood flow doesn’t end up flushing it out, and she said it can, but not necessarily if the period is light. I once knew a woman who I met a week before she had a kid and I had no idea she was pregnant cuz she was so fat.

Later…

I asked Kim what she thought of our cases about Robin and Greg since we’ve both been forgetting to mention it. I also updated her on my call to Leonard K and she thought it was cool.

Yesterday, after Andy read me a half-crazy, half-sexual letter he’s mailing to Sarah in CA and told me he was on the phone for an hour with a DJ at KHITS who was cracking up about it, we called Tammy. We all teased each other and talked about stuff in general.

Tammy asked Andy what he wants to do to make more money, but he hasn’t a clue. Then Tammy goes, “At 33 years old, you haven’t figured it out yet?”

Then I said it took her till she was 38. She said that was due to her having kids. True. Plus, if I were in her shoes I’d want to stay home, too. Even so, I get awfully sick of hearing Tammy judging people. Why doesn’t she just worry about her own damn self for a change and forget about what everyone else is up to?

Tom’s home now, so c-ya!

Later…

Last night the not sleeping together was really getting to me. I wish I could just be normal at times. Sleep normally with my husband and have a normal sex life. Instead, we can’t sleep together and I’ve got a guy here who’s hardly ever horny and who doesn’t cum. He’s improving on several things, but as far as sleeping together goes, more sex and the kid, he’s all talk and no action.

Anyway, I told him I had the idea of putting his bed by the waterbed where the stereo is and sticking the stereo in his room. I measured it and it didn’t quite fit in. Again, I ask myself the same thing about sleeping together as with the kid. Do I really want that? Does he? I don’t think either of us is that ambitious or motivated. I also believe at times that something up there doesn’t want us sleeping together and I know it doesn’t want us having a kid.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 9, 1995 What luck I had today! I called Barbara who said she hadn’t heard a word from Charlie. Then as I was chatting with Dad, she beeped in. She gave me the name of the former director whose name is Leonard K, and his address in Florida.

I told her she should be a detective. She said if not that, then in the business of helping people, which she loves to do. I am sooo appreciative of her and will be sending her a thank you card when this is all over.

So, I called information and was able to get his number, so I didn’t have to write to him in Boca Raton, FL. The wife answered after my call was rerouted to an area code in New York. I told her I was calling from Phoenix Arizona with questions about Camp Naomi. I heard her repeat this to Leonard who laughed and asked her if she was serious. When he took the phone, I said hi and that yes, I was serious. I explained my case from the beginning as I did with Barbara, telling him what my last name was at the time, the year it was, little details I could remember about Robin, that I wasn’t sure if that was her name, and that I wanted to find this woman and thank her for helping me through a very troubled time in my life.

To back up a bit, the reason why Barbara beeped in was cuz she had just finally gotten ahold of Charlie.

So he told me to call him in FL after Labor Day, cuz that’s where his records are. So, he does have records - great! It gets even greater, though. I described the cabin she was in and he knew what cabin I was talking about! I’ve gone from finding out the town it was in, to the people involved, and now I’m at the cabin door! Now all I have to do is really get my foot in that cabin door and get a name. A bigger part of me hopes she’s alive so I can thank her. Then I can be left with a new case to work on - finding out who that entity really was.

I was right about another thing. He said that if she wasn’t in a cabin with kids, she had to be a supervisor. Also, she couldn’t have been only 16. She’d have had to be maybe 18-19. He asked if she were attractive. Maybe, but I thought she was more on the plain side.

Anyway, I mentioned that my parents live in FL. He asked where and I told him Palm City. He’s originally from MA and I said, “So, you escaped the cold and snow like I did?”

I guess there were two Camp Naomi’s, cuz at first he asked me if I went to the one in Maine or MA. So, now I’m excited to see what he can tell me after Labor Day. For him to know what cabin I was talking about and have records gives me great hope.

I just finished my last round of antibiotics and Tom’s home now, so I’ll go share the great news with him and finish writing later.

Later…

I just told Tom the news and now he’s eating.

Oh, I wish tomorrow could be about two days after Labor Day, then we could go back to where we are now on the calendar.

Yesterday I called and asked a pharmacist if getting off the Theodur or taking these particular antibiotics could make a period so light that it was a little more than spotting. He said anything’s possible and that anything can affect periods. He also said that serious working out and some women who are weightlifters don’t get them at all. Cool! I asked Tom if he’d worry if I didn’t get periods. He said no. Then why would he prefer me not to take birth control which can stop periods? What’s the difference? He doesn’t want a kid, anyway.

Kim called yesterday and she read me a part of Bob’s corny love letter that she just got. We talked about odds and ends and she says Doug still doesn’t always cum and that when he does, she can’t feel it or tell in any way.

The asshole mailman fucked up yet again. He delivered mail from Australia for that Irene W. I just wrote “redeliver to proper address” on it and will put it out tomorrow. So, this means that if Minnie did send me a letter, someone else got it.

Last night Andy picked up the stuff I said I had for him and left me that teddy. It’s too lacy and my sensitive skin can’t deal with that so he’s gonna give it to Pam.

Today Andy and I both called Tammy, but I’ll write up on it later.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 8, 1995 I’m a little behind in writing, so time to catch up. I’ve been very drowsy since I’ve been taking these antibiotics but feeling better. Nowhere near as congested, and the discharges have stopped.

However, I’ve had the lightest period in about 10 years. I’ve only had brownish-colored spotting since the 5th. I’ll probably end up marking it from the 5th to yesterday or today on the chart. For next year’s periods, I probably won’t bother to chart the number of days from the beginning of a period to the start of one. I am totally shocked, though, that my period hasn’t hit me full blast. My boobs are less tender, though, so I can’t complain about that. Hopefully, it’ll hit me tomorrow so I can get some of this water off of me. It must be due to the antibiotics or getting off the Theodur.

My stomach has felt sooo much better since being off the Theodur and my skin is softer. I don’t know about my nails, though, till I remove my polish. Somehow, I really think that no matter what does or doesn’t go into my body, my nails will never look better and lose their serious ridges.

Tomorrow I’ll be calling the JCC and on the 15th, I’ll schedule another goddamn appointment with Dr. Rugg and believe me, this one’s the last! Again, I wouldn’t be shocked if she were to tell me something was wrong since I now have a life and care about my body. It’s always the ones who don’t give a shit that are healthy. Anyway, I do feel good, just tired.

Later…

I just got off the phone with Bill who said Tammy will be taking some courses at a college. Can’t wait to hear about it. Just a few months ago, though, she was telling me she could never do these kinds of things with kids.

This weekend was great. We had a lot of fun and it was so nice to see Tom not be all too much of a behaved gentleman for a change. In fact, we both got so goofy, that we broke our scale! He weighed himself at 208. Then I weighed myself at 100. Obviously, the scale had a 300-pound limit, cuz when he picked me up and stepped on it after I said I wondered what we weighed together, it broke. So, the next morning we went to Wal-Mart where we got a new scale and a few other things.

He got sports CDs for the computer.

We got a new cushioned toilet seat with a floral pattern on its cover.

I got 4 sheets of 9 really beautiful cat stickers.

I also got 4 puzzles with a neat offer inside. After you’ve gotten 8 puzzles, you can send in for a picture which they’ll make into a puzzle.

It all began when I saw the table Tom built and said it’d be a neat puzzle table. That gave Tom an idea. Instead of putting that table in the back room, we put the one back there that’s in the living room. That way he can pile up all his junk on that. So, we got a couple of cans of spray paint. I wanted neon pink. The cover looked neon pink and the name of it was Pasadena Pink, but it looks more like a neon red. It still looks great, though, and is perfect for puzzle-making. The only bad thing about it is its coarse texture.

I got two cat puzzles, a dog puzzle, and a teddy bear puzzle. I’ve already done the cat one (one of them) which is in the living room. The other 3 will be going in my room.

Tom also built Piggy a burrow, but I’ve only seen him in there once. Tom says he thinks it’s cuz of the heat and to give it time.

Saturday, I got a manila envelope from Kim containing about 6 letters I sent her and about 10 letters she got from Bob. I put mine in NPN envelopes. Bob’s letters were so typical, yet so funny. There were some really funny and corny lines and drawings. I’m giving Andy my NPNs to mail, Bob’s letters, and the scale I had and used until I moved in here.

Real early this morning Andy told me he found a black lace teddy in 100% fine condition that’s my size in the dumpster. He will be bringing me that.

He also said, “This may sound bizarre, but I’ve got Greg trapped in the walls.” Then he proceeded to tell me how he accidentally discovered a hole in his bathroom wall where a dent had been made. He said there was a round adhesive disk covering it which would fall off. So, after he glued it on he says he’s never sensed Greg and his TV reception is fine. The times it’s fallen off, though, he says was a different story. Lately, Andy hasn’t felt like dealing with Greg.

He said that he and Michelle (who he thinks may be gay but is only 20 and perhaps in the closet) have an idea. To go over to Sally’s house and say that she’s been sending the same tape and that Stevie would like to hear something different and that they’re Stevie’s people sent to deliver this message. I didn’t know this, but Andy says that every two weeks she mails the same exact tape and has already sent about 5 hoping she’ll eventually get a response. Andy said that what he thinks happened is that when Stevie got Sally’s first tape and letter, she realized how whacked she is and told her assistant to ditch anything from Sally Schaefer without even opening it. Anyway, they found one opened package from Sally which was probably one of those same tapes. Andy believes that due to it arriving while Stevie was out of town, the assistant got curious, opened it, and kept the tape.

Later…

Spoke to Andy for an hour. Maybe more. I can totally relate to what he was pissed off about. He told the exterminator to come after 3:00 since he doesn’t usually get up till after noon. They said that would be no problem, but what did they do? Came at 11:00. I would’ve been just as pissed and I used to be at the Vista Ventana when I told them to come after 2:00 or 3:00 and they came at 10:30. I had to dance that night, too.

I had a very good talk with Bob yesterday for about 20 minutes. He said he had taken 150 envelopes and drawn all of them up one night and he’s sorry and it won’t happen again. I’m glad we got this misunderstanding cleared up and that it won’t happen again, as I miss him as a pen pal.

I teased him about having one too many and he giggled despite his situation and really misses that. He even said in Kim’s letters how he missed my funny sayings.

He says he’s in a 2-man cell with others in his area in for the same thing.

He’s sending me a letter he got from Minnie (who I haven’t heard from) that he wants to be sent back after I read it. Cool.

Tom estimated that I smoke $50 worth of cigarettes a month and that if I quit, I should take that money to buy doggie mugs, journals, CDs, art stuff, clothes, whatever I want. Oh, I wish!

SATURDAY, AUGUST 5, 1995 Yesterday I was up 18 hours, so I wasn’t too happy when I awoke only 6 hours later. I awoke at 8:30, but I managed to nap from about 11 PM - 1 AM. I’m still groggy and still waking up, so I will return later.

Later…

I’m making pork chops right now and Tom should be getting up anytime now. The timer gets stuck and I don’t know if I can wash it or what, so I’ll ask him what he thinks is best later.

It looks like my period’s beginning two days earlier, but fine, I’ll get it over with.

I worked out, swam, cleaned the bathroom, and talked to Andy.

I had a nice realization earlier. I feel that getting off the Theodur is such a great accomplishment. Not a hard and challenging one, but something I’ve hoped I could someday do, and now I’ve only got 3 more goals left - the singing, the kid, and quitting smoking. I don’t think numbers 2 and 3 are possible, but I sure thank God for this climate and the Phase-Out. Also, how it’s been easier in general to deal with having no kid. I still don’t feel like I want a kid 100% of the time. There are times, depending on my mood, schedule, etc., when I’m glad I don’t have one. This is the way I see it - That I can either have a kid, or Tom, family, friends, vacations, the business, the singing, other hobbies, and life. The way I wish I could see it is that I could have it all. Tom believes we can have a kid and all the other things in life we want. I guess the reason why I see it as one or the other is due to what Tammy’s said, and other mothers. I also want to stay 100 pounds and not have my skin made worse than it already is. I have a few hundred stretch marks from all the weight I lost 10 years ago. Do I need to go and make it a few million?

I had a funny dream during my nap. Tom and I were at home, but the house didn’t quite look like this one. I had just gotten up and went into the kitchen where Tom was. He told me there was surprise company waiting in “the den” for me. I thought to myself, I just got up, so I didn’t have time to straighten up. As if Tom knew what I was thinking, he said, “Don’t worry. I already neatened stuff up.” So the den, which was a room about the size of my bedroom, was where I proceeded to go. I opened the door and there were my parents. I think Tammy was there too. Then Tom came in, sat down and joined us. The next thing I knew, Tom’s underwear was on the floor and I was trying to kick it under furniture and hide it any way I could.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 4, 1995 I’ve heard all of Sally’s tape and it’s so pitiful, that it’s so funny. Tom’s heard it too, and I’ve begun editing it. Andy may come over tonight, so if he does, he can hear what I’ve begun. I told Tammy about it and played her a clip of it. I’ll tell my parents about it and play them some eventually, too.

The antibiotics haven’t been affecting me in any bad way, so that’s good. The discharges I’ve been having down there, which weren’t like yeast infection discharges are gone and my cough and congestion are much better, too. I’m glad Dr. Rugg gave me the antibiotics cuz I feel so much better.

Later…

I’m so bored now, but not quite ready to go to sleep. Plus, it wouldn’t hurt to push my schedule up a bit since Bob’s probably gonna call me on Monday. On the other hand, Bob’s not the most important thing to me and he knows to keep trying if he can’t reach me right away.

We have tentative plans to go to CA in late October for about 6 days. Despite all the fun things we’d see and do, Tom told me something (without making promises which is good) that sounds great and even romantic, but that’s pure bullshit. He’s here on the bed with me right now, so I’ll write about it later.

Later…

Tom reminded me that a non-stressful situation is what he needs to cum, but that due to the job change and whatever else, he’s been more stressed out. So, he tells me that with things falling into place (his job/the business) and us having a fun and relaxing vacation where we sleep together, it may help him to cum. Even if I were ovulating at the time we went - no way! I know him better.

Anyway, I still can’t wait to go to CA whenever we do go. We’ll probably go to L.A., then The Walk of Fame, Disneyland and maybe Sea World. But is that Disneyland or Disneyworld? I forget. We may also stop at Steven, Carol and Matthew’s house in Fresno.

Tom didn’t win anything last night at the Greyhound racing track where he went with Steven and his family. His parents were also there, along with David, Mary and her husband Dave.

I quickly spoke to Andy last night and played him the few minutes of Sally edits I’ve got so far. He was cracking up.

I want to try to stay up as long as I can so I sleep later and can hang out with Tom more this weekend. He said it’s no big deal and I know that, but I like hanging out with him.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 3, 1995 In Kim’s last letter to me, she said she and Alex really did get it on with each other once or twice in Chicago. Wow.

I sent her a copy of my case and Andy’s but haven’t heard anything about it. I’ll have to ask her what she thinks in my next letter.

At this point I almost never sense Robin and I also don’t think I’ll ever find out any more info about her.

Tom was shocked they let Andy keep his voicemail when he already owes the phone company so much. They did, though. He paid $50, it’s $6 a month for his long-distance block and he’s got to pay $100 every month on the 15th.

I did call and wish my nephew Larry a happy birthday, who is 15. He was at home making sausages, but Larry, Sandy and Jenny were out.

Hurricane Erin went through Florida, but luckily it was no big deal and was only graded as a tropical storm. I spoke to my mom and sister today and everyone’s OK.

I began my two different antibiotic pills today which is so much better than that messy crotch cream. However, it may have been responsible for giving me what looked like 20 or so bug bites. After I threw some hydrocortisone cream on them, they went away, so we’ll see. I called the pharmacist who said I could take Benadryl with it if I need to.

I saw an amazing movie earlier that was based on a true story. It was about a charter plane back in 1988 in Hawaii with 5 crew members and 95 passengers. A portion of the cabin roof ripped off and only one crew member died. Everyone else lived. It was quite amazing to see some of them flying with no roof over their heads.

Andy came over tonight with those 4 shirts and Sally’s tape. I only kept one shirt. A white cotton short-sleeved one with 2 lace-trimmed pockets in front.

I haven’t listened to more of Sally’s tape yet, but Andy agreed with what Tom suggested. We’re not gonna send an edited version to her cuz we don’t know if she’s whacked out enough to hurt Stevie. It’s also not worth my spending money on a tape and 3 stamps on a stranger.

We went skinny dipping and he said I still had a nice ass and didn’t look fat or flabby. Well, that’s nice and I started exercising again and I already feel much better and firmer.

The antibiotics have even begun helping my cough and congestion already. I could’ve used a round of antibiotics for that a few months ago, actually.

After Andy told me that his 18-year-old druggie friend Kim is pregnant, we went and played cards, then he left.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 2, 1995 I finished typing up that big huge journal (92).

Today, my nephew Larry’s 15, I believe. I’ll see if I have the time to call, but I don’t know. I’ll probably sleep all day, then get up and go to his parent’s house to see Steven.

Everyone except Bob got another round of letters this week. Tom showed me how to insert my animal drawings into my letters which is really easy. So, my parents, Tammy, Larry, Kim, Minnie, and Andy will have letters going out tomorrow. Tom went to bed after he showed me how to do this and I did him a quick sample letter of what I’m sending to others.

Speaking of Tom - sometimes I feel like I’m with an old man here. He’s tired a lot and certainly has no juice for more sex like he says he wants. I think that’s just talk, though.

I also forgot to mention this - I asked him a few days ago if he’d feel bad if it were me who never came. He said no, but I find that hard to believe.

I spoke to Dr. Rugg’s nurse. I’ve got to get 2 antibiotics for downstairs which she says will kill anything going on down there. She also says no intercourse 3-4 days before another mid-cycle exam. So, mid-cycle this month or next, I’ve got to have another fucking pap smear! Shit!

I do have good news, though. I haven’t spoken with Andy yet to know how he worked this out, but he’s getting his phone back today! He must be getting only local service as I did in S Deerfield when “Maria S” got her $1,700 phone bill.

There’s something else I forgot to write that Tom said he feared. This one’s so ridiculous, it’s almost funny. He fears how I’d react if I ever found out I was pregnant. I told him I couldn’t imagine how I’d react in a situation I’ve never been in. (probably shocked, though) And I sure as hell have an even harder time imagining how I’d react in a situation I know will never happen. It’s just another excuse. And another cover for his game of pretending he’ll cum someday and we’ll have a kid.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 1, 1995 As figured, another month has passed without me getting pregnant. The good news is, though, I’m finding it easier to accept.

Tom never brought up my letter about adopting. Instead, he just went on with saying what he’s always said about it - it can happen, but let it happen in its own time. And he doesn’t want to intentionally put it off. Mhm.

Anyway, I now realize more than ever that if I want to be with this man who I love so much, I’m just gonna have to play along with his game. I can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do, no matter what he says.

We did have fun for the first time in what seems like ages. We started off screwing till he conked out right before I was gonna go over the edge, so he finished me off orally.

Still no Theo and feeling fine! I began working out again seeing how my legs look absolutely horrible.

It fucking figures, but Dr. Rugg’s office left a message today. Damn! It’s one thing after another. I don’t want to go back for the third time.

The trail’s gone cold as far as finding out if Robin’s name is really that, let alone if she’s dead or alive. I called Barbara and she says she’s still waiting to hear from Charlie who’s on vacation. She transferred me to an Alan M who knew nothing about it and said the JCC didn’t technically own Camp Naomi. He said they were affiliated with it and mentioned the JBW (Jewish Board of Welfare) in New York having something to do with it, but that he could guarantee me they wouldn’t have any records. Barbara said there’s still Charlie to hope for that he’ll know something and not to give up.

I haven’t sensed Robin at all lately. It’s like she’s gone. Gone forever.

Later…

I sure did a lot of typing tonight. In a day or two, I expect to be done typing journal 92.

Andy called earlier saying he was ready to commit suicide due to his $154 electric bill. He said the whole apartment’s half the size of our back room. Damn, that’s small! Despite that, though, and running it on low cool and number 3 out of 10, that’s how high his electric bill is. He said his apartment manager won’t let him out of his lease, but that he can’t afford to move now anyhow.

Meanwhile, he’s job hunting and is gonna give them our number for messages. He didn’t want to tell them he didn’t have a phone, but he said he has an answering machine. He said I don’t even have to talk to him, just let them leave their message or tell me their name and number and I’ll let Andy know about it.

Got a letter from Kim who had a scary experience. A 16-year-old girl ran out in front of her car. She survived but is at fault and Kim said 1 out of 5 witnesses was a cop.

So, I wrote her another letter and I finally decided to write to Bob. I gave him two choices if he wants to resume our friendship. To either write and draw on his envelopes to me so I can dump him again. Or to not do so and have me as a friend and a pen pal again. I’m almost certain he will write back.

I know I’ll never get a letter from Tammy or Lisa, but where’s Minnie’s letter? I hope to hear from her soon. I hope I get a letter from Bug soon, too.

Dr. Rausch had given me a peak flow meter to measure my breathing. After I exercised, I got it up higher than it’s been so far to 340. It was usually around 300. It’s supposed to be 413.

[justtogetthrough]

I spent FOUR GOD DAMN HOURS at a walk in clinic tonight to get my stitches out because my arm has not been healing well, I was worried they'd fall open like the other one did and didn't wanna deal with it, and the stitches are really tight and i wasn't sure I could maneuver scissors one handed and just... overall didn't wanna deal with it.

But where I'm from we don't have walk in clinics so I wasn't expecting to wait FOUR HOURS. The small town hospital would have been quicker than this city clinic. I was getting more and more distressed and was about to leave to come home and get really high and just rip them out of me because I'm so sick of how painful they are. Then the doctor called me in.

I took off my sweater and explained I usually just take these out myself but I'm not healing well, this other one with all the steristrips popped back open when I removed the stitches, and I'm also kinda concerned these ones are infected so wanted someone else to do it this time.

He took one look and was like holy shit yeah that's infected, I am absolutely not taking those stitches out right now with all that going on because you don't want open wounds with that much infection. You need to clear up the infection and probably leave the stitches in for 10-12 days in order to have a chance to finally heal. (I explained today is day 8 so they're due to come out, nevermind that I usually never leave them in past 4 or 5 days...)

So anyway it's so bad he not only gave me 10 days worth of antibiotics but also LITERAL NARCOTIC PAINKILLERS because of how nasty it looks. I didnt even ask for painkillers, he straight up offered. And I feel so vindicated because now I realize my arm has been infected for probably like 5 or 6 days and that I'm not being a baby with how severe and unbearable the pain has been. I told him I've been using a topical antibiotic with lidocaine to try to control the pain and asked why the antibiotic part didn't treat this and he was basically like, a topical ointment won't do shit for what you have going on unfortunately.

I went to the clinic for 5 pm when they opened so I took the dressing off around 3 to dry out the ointment and stuff so he could remove the stitches, and the 7 hours of not having antibiotic cream on it has really shown that that shit was merely holding the infection back, minimally, at best. In the 7 hours it's been uncovered my skin has become so swollen and blistered and it's actually so painful I can't turn the key in my car or even shift from park/drive/reverse or do anything with my arm that requires force or strength.

And I almost walked out of that clinic before being seen because I didn't bring any meds with me or anything to do and wasn't prepared for hours of waiting around sick people who were so god damn overstimulating and so I was on the brink of meltdown all night. My friend offered to come sit with me at 9 after class if I was still waiting and I told them if I'm not seen by 9 I'm going to decapitate myself in the god damn waiting room. And then suggested maybe they don't wanna be around me while I'm this distressed lol. Thankfully the doctor called me in 5 mins later.

My arm is fucking gnarly and I'm putting the lidocaine cream back on it because my arm is so puffy it looks like it's being suffocated by the stitches. I wonder if I have a hydrocortisone cream. I am so motherfuckimg distressed by this and a systemic infection probably explains why I've spent so much of the last 3 days sleeping (I fell asleep during a meeting today even, and have done almost zero work this week) and why my other wounds aren't healing and why my skin is blistering from medical tape and idk just a whole assortment of things that have been weird but not evidently something serious on their own.

At least now I know why this hurts so god damn much ;___;

The antibiotics are supposed to start helping by 24 hours so wish me luck.

This has been the worst 3 weeks of a loooong time and I'm fucking mad about everything.

[arkhamknightz]

super cafe !

↳ in which peter visits the same café after his patrols

pronouns used: they/them

warnings: set after tasm2, not proofread, lowercase intended, bad writing

it was late at night, closing was in an hour and you were bored out of your mind. your co-worker had left early due to them not feeling well so you had been stuck running the shop on your own.

you hopped out of your chair and grabbed a cookie from the display, running the machine to make yourself a hot chocolate. it wasn't really a shock that it was a colder night in new york. you sat patiently and waited for the clock to finally hit 12 so you could go home. only another 40 minutes to go right? it cant be that bad.

a small ding pulled you out of your head. you lifted your gaze from the machine to see someone standing in front the counter with a red and blue suit on.. spandex? you lifted your head and your eyes widened.

"uh, hi! could i possibly get a croissant and a hot chocolate?" peter asked, his smile evident in his tone. you smiled back and nodded, starting a new hot chocolate for yourself and pouring out the already finished mixture into a cup for him. "to-go? and do you want your croissant heated up?" you grabbed the sweet pastry from the display and nodded as he politely asked for it heated. you placed it in the small toaster and handed him his cup.

"so what brings you here on a late-night?"

he lifted his mask up to his nose and took a small sip of the chocolatey drink. "just finished up for the night and wanted something to eat, saw this little place open and thought id swing by" you laughed at his choice of wording and went to check on his food, putting it on a small plate for him and grabbing your drink. "well, its on the house for tonight since its almost closing anyways"

"oh- oh no i couldn't possibly ask you to do that its alright how much is i-" "nope! on the house, i cant bother to do math right now anyways and unlock the cashier." he smiled "well alright, thank you so much"

"don't mention it, you stay safe out there alright? don't get too badly injured." he smiled at you and grabbed what was left of the croissant on his plate and waved goodbye before leaving the shop. maybe taking late night shifts wasn't so bad.

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it had been 2 weeks since peter had started coming to the small café after his patrols, he recognized you as you'd been in some of his classes back in high school. you'd always waved to him when he passed in the hallways on his skateboard and always had an extra pencil when he needed one.

its times like this he wished he would've started a conversation 2 years ago, and after gwen he hadn't made an effort to try and get in touch with anyone after, the fear of anyone else getting hurt lingered in his mind. he jumped down off the roof and opened the doors, his croissant and hot chocolate already waiting for him. "anything interesting happen today bug-boy?" he tensed up at the use of the nickname and shook his head. "nope, nothing really today, its been really quiet thankfully."

you both made small talk and drank your hot chocolates, it had become a daily thing and he still tried leaving money even if you let him off the hook after a hard day. he would tell you things about him and his day, you know you went to school with him but he never told you who he was. given, it would probably ruin the whole anonymous superhero thing he had going on. peter looked at the time and started helping you clean up before closing. "uh, do you want me to walk you home again?"

-

-

2 months, it's been 2 months since you and peter had properly met, he opened the café doors and walked in with a bouquet of flowers, you let out a small chuckle. "whats the occasion?" you pushed his order to the other side of the counter. peter walked up and sat down in his usual seat, handing you the flowers and lifting his mask up to his nose. "well, i wanna ask you out on a date." "oh, do you now?" you smiled teasingly at him and he nodded. "oh most definitely, so, what do you say?" you checked your watch. "hmm.. seems like i've got nothing going on but my 7-12 shifts.. id say i could squeeze a little time for you, don't you think?"

he smiled and fully took his mask off, looking at you with a wide smile painted across his face. "peter?" you let out a laugh "dude no way! i knew i could recognize your voice from a few of my classes i just could never pin-point it" "wait, you remember me from high school?" he tilted his head to the side and furrowed his eyebrows. "of course i do, why wouldn't i?" you sat beside him and took a sip of your drink.

"next thing i know you're gonna tell me you liked me in high school or something- i'm just surprised cause we never really talked" "okay well, very confident i see, and its not my fault that i did- but you remember me too huh? i just never thought id see you again after graduat-" peter cut you off with a kiss. you cupped the side of his cheek and pulled away after a few seconds. "what was that for?" he looked at you and smiled. "for being here"

-

-

-

notes: ANDNDNDDDD thats the end yassss this isnt rly well written i just wasnt sure what to do for the end, i hope u all enjoy this anyways! :DD

[to-star-lake]

in the early days when you joined bonten as their new advisor, you spent a lot of time with koko; drawing up business plans, managing the books, overseeing construction on new clubs and buildings.

koko had the nicest office of all of the bonten leaders. it was on the top floor of a highrise in the middle of the shibuya business district. complete with high-end leather and mahogany furniture, and a gorgeous city view.

you'd spent time with each of the bonten executives when you joined and koko was probably your favorite to work with. you found takeomi too serious, kakucho boorish, mochi too macho, the haitani's were exhausting, and sanzu..well..

koko was like you; blunt and efficient with work, a little impatient, maybe a little condescending. you enjoyed your daily work with him in his office. it was always quiet, productive, and his assistants always served the best sencha.

except today.

today when you walked in through the mahogany double doors that led to his office, you were almost decked in the face by a toy rubber basketball.

"he shoots! he scores? no! he misses!" you heard a voice yell, followed by a maniacal cackling.

what...the hell is this? the floor of koko's office, which was normally clean, surgically clean, was littered with teddy bears, squeak toys, board games with their pieces strewn about haphazardly, a jump rope, a putting green, and a trash bin overflowing with crumpled candy wrappers.

the rubber basketball that almost hit your head rolled towards the floor-to-ceiling bookshelves on one end of the room and you saw a kiddie basketball hoop attached to one of the shelves. and below that, sanzu, flopped on his stomach on the floor, a different flavored ring pop on each of his fingers.

"koko..i'm really bad at basketball," he grumbled, picking himself up and walked over to koko's desk, slamming his hands down on the surface, the sudden gust of wind almost blowing the stack of papers in front of koko away.

"oh no, well, why don't you go try the putt putt?" koko sighed, not even looking up from his work, waving his hand in the air like he was shooing away a fly. "ah, y/n! finally, someone sane. please, get over here, i need you to look at something," koko waved you over when he noticed you standing in the doorway.

you made your way across the minefield of toys on the floor and greeted sanzu as he walked past you. "good morning," you smiled cordially.

he sauntered past you, looking down at you through bloodshot, half-shut eyes, his usual sinister smile plastered wide across his face. he'd opened his mouth to say, "good morning, little prin-" but then stepped on a pile of toy soldiers and tripped, tumbling to the floor, his long limbs getting all tangled up in themselves.

"uh... hey, koko?" you took a seat in the armchair beside the desk, setting your laptop down on the tabletop. "what's going on here? where's mikey?"

koko let out an exasperated sigh, rolling his eyes. "sometimes mikey goes off on his own, and when he does, the rest of us have to take turns...babysitting," he nodded at the gangly man with bubblegum colored hair with a plastic toy putter in his hands. "i pulled the short straw today," he sighed, pushing the large binder of documents he was looking at over to you.

"koko!!"

"jesus, what now?" koko looked up, so annoyed you could almost see the steam coming out his ears.

"there's no balls," sanzu pointed at the putting green on the floor.

"well, who decided to ambush people by pelting them with the balls outside the bathroom last time?"

sanzu stared back at koko blankly.

"ugh, nevermind. could you play with something else? y/n and i have work to do." koko scooted his seat closer to you, and began circling a few line items on the page in front of you. "got this today from the guys over at the club in akasaka. these totals look off to you?"

you glanced over the document, and flipped back a few pages and reviewed the itemized lists also included in the binder. "damn," you said, looking up at koko. "these assholes are skimming."

koko opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by a sudden loud popping noise. both of you turned to see sanzu on the floor, pulling the heads off of a pile of barbie and ken dolls.

koko raised his hands to his temples, the frown lines between his eyebrows deepening by the second. "jesus christ, this psychotic clown, if he wasn't the number 2 I swear to god-” he muttered under his breath.

"hey, sanzu?" you called out and sanzu's head jerked up to look at you, his eyes suddenly bright and attentive, like a child amongst the sea of toys on the floor.

"yes, princess?" he called back.

"could you go on a coffee run for us?"

sanzu tilted his head a little, confused. "a coffee...run?"

"yeah...you know, to buy coffee?"

he blinked, still confused.

"to buy...starbucks?"

"ah! you want me to buy you starbucks," he suddenly shot up.

"yes! yes, please, for me and koko, that would be great," you smiled, thinking you were finally getting somewhere with him.

he walked over to the desk. "anything for you, princess. and you can call me haru," he hummed, taking a bright pink ring pop off his finger and sliding it onto your ring finger, and a blue one onto koko's ring finger. "be back in a flash."

he turned to walk out of the office, whistling and not bothering to avoid the toys scattered on the floor, simply stepping on them as he went.

the doors closed behind him and you turned to koko, "now we can get some work done."

"let's hope he takes his time," koko rolled his eyes, sliding the ring pop off his finger, holding onto only the plastic part as gingerly as possible, a disgusted look on his face because he could tell sanzu had definitely licked the candy already.

"is it always like this when mikey's away?"

"sanzu? yeah, pretty much. but mikey tolerates him cus he's been with him longer than any of us, he's his loyal mad dog," koko sighed. "but that bastard's insane. apparently back in the day he got moved back and forth between all of mikey's captains cus nobody could handle him."

"wow. yeah, i guess i can see that," you glanced over at all the toys scattered on the floor. "seems pretty tough for you too."

"oh, i've actually done the best with him," koko scoffed. "last time, he was the haitani brothers' responsibility, they decided to take him to a hostess club. thought it'd be a good distraction for him. crazy maniac decided to pay for all the women there."

"all of them? that's..that's a lot-"

"no, that's not the crazy part. he paid for all the women, and then made them line up against the wall with liquor bottles on top of their heads and he used them for target practice." koko ran a hand through his hair, sighing. "anyway, who knows when he's gonna be back so we should try to get as much done as possible while he's away."

you nodded. the two of you worked dilligently, reviewing the rest of the books collected from bonten's other clubs and businesses in town, making one stack for ones that pass, and one that required additional scrutiny.

after a while, you stretched your arms up over your head, noticing the sun hung high in the sky and glanced at the clock on the wall. it read 12:15.

"i wonder where he is," you said, realizing it'd been almost two and a half hours since he left.

"who knows what that lunatic gets up to," koko sighed, turning the page of the binder he was leafing through.

"i actually could've used some coffee though," you yawned.

"i can have my girls make some sencha-"

just then the doors to his office burst open, and sanzu staggered in, eyes blood red, a blue gift bag in one hand, the other dragging a giant 10-foot teddy bear behind him.

"and suddenly my headache's back," koko muttered and sanzu approached the two of you at the desk.

sanzu dragged the huge teddy bear over and plopped it beside you. "i got this for you, princess."

"hah..um...where'd you get this..giant thing?" you didn't even know where to begin.

"there's a carnival downtown. i got it playing a shooting game," he grinned from ear to ear. koko groaned, knowing sanzu, by 'shooting game' he probably meant he threatened to shoot the person manning the booth if he didn't give him the bear.

"hah..i see, thank you. but why is it missing its eyes?" you asked, looking at the bear's face and noticing the eyeballs had been ripped out, only some tattered threads remained in the sockets.

"they were ugly," sanzu shrugged. "koko, i got you something too," he dropped the gift bag down in front of koko.

"thanks.." koko reached into the bag and pulled out a tiny cross-stitched sweater which could've only been made for an infant. "uh...dude, what is this?"

"it's a sweater for your chihuahua," sanzu explained, yawning and plopping down onto a chair by the desk.

"i don't have a chihuahua?"

"i could've sworn you did," sanzu tilted his head, as though in deep thought. "oh, i guess it's just you that's always yapping. it's amazing y/n puts up with this every day," he laughed, but his tone was filled with hostility.

you saw koko's body tense in your periphery and you quickly spoke up to diffuse the sudden tension. "haru, did you get coffee?"

"coffee? oh! the starbucks. yes, i did."

you stared back at him. "that's great, uh...so where is it?"

"on the corner of harajuku square, by yoyogi station," he smiled.

"what?"

"oh my god," koko groaned, raising his palms to his eyes and rubbing them in circles.

you looked back and forth between koko and sanzu.

koko took a deep breath and leaned back in his chair, turning to look at you. "he bought the starbucks."

[wizkiddx]

your voice

angsty vibe, requested by @hollandlover19 than you for th rq and hop this doesn't disappoint too much :)))

summary: tom says something so stupid and has to deal with the consquences

warnings: a bit angsty, but ends in fluff! argumnts and raising voices, I guess could be associated with panic attacks tho not written with that intention

//////////////////////////////////

“Oh, Y/n er sorry.” Harrisons morning dulcet tones were what you were awoken to with a groan.

Everything was achy, and your head was pounding, making you grumble in discontent as you shifted uncomfortably on the technically too-small-to-sleep-on sofa.

This was not the morning you’d foreseen even 12 hours ago.

Lockdown had been difficult for everyone, even removing the tragic health crisis. Being locked in with your boyfriend and his brothers and friends was, for the most part, amazing. Lots of laughs, lots of beers and lots of quality time that you usually didn’t get. But it was also intense.

Without a doubt, since you first got together, this was the longest time you’d ever had with Tom. And it had been brilliant, your relationship getting so much closer and just learning the subtlest intricacies about the other. In fact, when lockdown had been announced, you’d never lived together (the most a week-long holiday).

Though it was also like a pressure cooker, Toms rented house. When one of you were in an understandable but stubborn lousy mood, it affected the whole house.

Yesterday night had been the perfect storm. The weather was unbelievably scorching; your work had announced that they had to let some staff go because of the financial implications of the pandemic; a ‘mole’ had released personal details of your relationship.

And it was like a pot on the stove; everything went from controllable to violently boiling over in a matter of minutes.

Honestly, you didn’t even know why you had started arguing - it was that pathetic. And yet you’d both said pretty horrible stuff - though it was Tom who had crossed the line. Frankly, the way he’d spoken to you was almost unforgivable.

You’d both known instantly too, all his anger at you had immediately evaporated when he’d realised what he had said. It took no time for him to become a grovelling apologetic mess, however even that- it was already too late.

It might sound feeble, but honestly, you’d run and locked yourself in the downstairs loo. You’d cried on the inside- whilst from the other side of the door, he had been begging and pleading with you.

After an hour though, Tom finally gave up - hence why you’d had a pretty uncomfortable night on the sofa.

This brings it back to Harrison, the early riser of the house, barrelling into the living room after his morning run. All bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, except also slightly terrified looking as he stood awkwardly in the doorway.

“I’m up now” You sighed, dragging yourself into a sitting position on the sofa whilst massaging your crooked neck.

“You er…. you fell asleep watching the TV?” Rolling your eyes, you sighed at the blonde, even if his poor acting was a little entertaining.

“Are we both pretending that you don’t know what went down last night?” Of course, Harrison knew. The walls were thin, you’d been screaming and he was Tom’s best friend. No doubt, Tom had immediately gone to him for help and advice last night.

Harrison held his hands up in response, caught in the act, and clicked his tongue. “What he said was bad. You shouldn’t be the one ending up with the sore back.” He wasn’t wrong.

“And yet here I am…” With a sigh you smiled which he returned with a sickeningly empathetic one “Anyway, don’t let my sad self get in the way, did you come in here for anything?”

Now, because Harrison was mentally a five year old, that’s how you ended up sat crossed-legged on the floor, clutching a wii remote and angrily shouting at yoshi on the mariokart screen. The whole household was competitive as hell and you were no exception - so some rouge elbows were flying when he viciously knocked you off the track.

Slowly Harry and Tuwaine filtered in and picked up remotes too, so the quiet morning was very quickly switched into a tense atmosphere of yelps and shouts. None more so than Tuwaine, who was possibly the worst looser you had ever met.

Really, you knew all the boys were only doing this as there way of showing you they were with you. That they also thought Tom was a massive raging dickhead. And you appreciated it more than they would ever know. Locked down in Toms house, very much not mutual ground, having three stupid boys behind you meant everything.

Just as you got on to the 18th and final race of the house’s mario grand prix, another voice cut across the tense silence as you waited for the coutdown to turn into ‘go’. Naturally, you flipped round to see Tom, looking as though he literally just rolled out of bed with puffy eyes and messy hair and no top. The sight made your heart flutter, to the point you had to consciously check yourself - refusing to smile softly at him like you usually would, instead narrowing your eyebrows and looking back at the TV.

Tom had so desperately hoped that when he came down this morning, everything would be better. That all it’d take would be a quiet conversation for the two of you to make up - for him to have you in his arms again. Primarily as he had heard your excited laugh echoing through the halls in reactions to Tuwaines yelps of protests - it made him hopeful. Waking up to a cold and empty bed was almost soul-crushing this morning. He did not want it to ever happen again.

Which is why his heart sank so much when all you gave him was a scolding look, before turning your attention to the TV. Admittedly, he was naive to think that what he’d done last night would be an easy fix - he knew it too. So with dropping shoulders, Tom silently took a seat on the sofa, watching from afar. You spent the rest of the race more absent, not joining in with the Harrison or Harrys trash-talking, acutely aware of Tom’s eyes burning the back of your head.

Then came Harry’s celebrations as the overall winner (only just) and when Harrison suggested another game Tom piped up again.

“Give me a turn Harry.”

The three boys kneeling next to you all stiffened, looking immediately to you for what seemed like consent - as if they were engaging with the enemy. (At least it was good to know everyone was on your side).

“I’m gonna go prepare for my meeting anyway.” You spoke quietly, already placing the remote on the floor and standing up.

“Y/n I don’t mind swappin-“

“No. Thanks, H but no.” You weren’t being selfless and giving Tom a turn. You were running away from seeing him.

And Harrison was still really angry at Tom. He’d been so selfish and insensitive and had hurt you- someone who Haz also cared a lot about too. Yes Tom was his bestmate, that he’d grown up with and known for years - but Haz really liked you too, in fact all the boys did. So they were almost as pissed with Tom as you were.

So while you threw the cushion you were sat on back on the floor, Harrison shot Tom the filthiest look and practically shooed him away.

“come on Y/n … just one more? Then you can do your boring work.” You were about to refuse when Haz tilted his head toward the door, only then noticing that Tom had slipped out the room. Now that he was gone ,yes, just one more wouldn’t hurt. The meeting prep wasn’t time pressured; it was an excuse for an escape.

Tuwaine whooped a little when you nodded, planting back down and ready for the first race. Yet apart from that, the room was still a little awkward, you being the first to break the silence.

“Actually Haz, would you mind giving me a lift today?”

“What to the shops?

“Um no not quite.” Tuwaine laughed in his usual innocent and infectious style before asking more.

“Seriously? You know we’re locked down? Boris won’t be happy if you going mad and leaving the house.”

“Just to Y/f/n’s. She lives on her own so it’s legal.”

“She lives just down the road right? Can’t you walk?” Harry was confused, making him look away from the screen, ultimately leading to his ‘diddykong’ falling off the track.

“I’ll have my bags. I um… I think I’m going to stay with her till lockdown eases more.”

As soon as you said that, Harry pressed pause on the race, all three boys looking at you mouth-opened.

“For real?”

“Yeh I um… think me and Tom need some time apart and being locked in isn’t helping.”

“I’m not saying to forgive and forget what he said… but he is really sorry.”

“The twats literally kicking himself.” Tuwaine added, making you smile a little for calling Tom that.

“I know just… I need some space and-“

“Are you breaking up?” Harry almost announced, cutting you off. He would miss you too.

“No! Nono I … well I don’t know. I just- we both need this.”

The boys all nodded, looking at the floor for a moment before Harrison’s blue eyes were back on you.

“Course I’ll drive, but… but I’ll miss you.”

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

You’d left merely an hour later, whilst Tom was holed up in the garden doing what looked like an almost unbearable work out. It meant he was also out your hair and you could throw all your stuff into two suitcases without him being any the wiser. It was probably pretty cowardly to leave without speaking to him, but you couldn’t. It would hurt too much and you didn’t want to break down in front of him. No doubt as soon as you had got to Y/f/n you did - into a blubbering mess of tears - but Tom hadn’t seen so it was okay.

Speaking of. Tom.

Tom was not in a good way at all. He’d been trying really hard to curb his’ short fuse’ lately- all of which had been well and truly blown in the past 4 hours. After finally being realised from meetings, which he’d not been able to concentrate on anyway, Tom had mentally prepared himself for a lot of grovelling. Once he’d vaguely hunted the house and not found you there, he naturally asked Harry and Tuwaine (both of whom were in the living room) if they’d seen you around.

It was a typical question, the answer he was expecting was that you’d just gone on your daily walk. And yet the response he got was… well a lot more confusing. Harry’s eyes widened whilst T did his awkward-uncomfortable chuckle, the two locked in an intense bout of eye contact. It was as though they were arguing with each, but through the powers of telekinesis... and it put Tom on edge. He was already stressed because you were so angry with him, so not getting a clear answer out of his brother and best mate - lets just say it tested his patience.

“You two need to tell me what the hell is going on right now.”

The two boys both looked panicked to speak to him, which was the opposite of the usual situation. They were some of the ONLY people in his life that would just say it how it is, no sugar coating. Like if he was away and being ‘famous’ was getting to his head; or if he wore the wrong pair of jeans. Even yesterday evenings events, they’d both called him out on what he’d said to you.

So why the silence?

Eventually, it was Harry who spoke up, but in doing so, practically just waved all responsibility on to another innocent party.

“Ask Haz.”

And then Tom knew. He knew this was bad. Immediately his heart was pumping at an alarmingly fast rate, taking the stairs two at a time and not bothering to knock before bursting the door open.

“Where’s Y/n?”

Harrison was reclined back on his haphazardly made bed, laptop balanced on his lap as he looked up with a sigh. He’d known this conversation was coming, but it didn’t make it any less easy. With a sigh, Haz closed the lid of his MacBook and sat up on the bed.

“Tom just-“

“Where. Is. She.”

“She’s gone to Y/f/n’s.”

“Oh… okay.” Suddenly Tom’s voice was muted, thinking he might’ve blown his top at nothing. This wasn’t weird - Y/f/n was in your support bubble and you went to hers often.

Tom was grossly underestimating the situation - and Harrison heard didn’t fancy stringing him along though.

“No like gone. She um… she took all her stuff. I think she’s going to stay there till-“

Tom was already out his room at that point, slamming the door as he did so. Making a beeline for his own room, Tom then frantically started to pull out the draws and rummage around the shelves, confirming what he already knew. Your clothes were gone, your toothbrush and toiletries were gone, you were gone.

It’s important to note Tom didn’t really cry all that much. Or if he did - it was more inconsequential, at a sad movie or one of the rescue dog stories from battersea. Actually, when it came down to it, he didn’t really cry.

Now though, it was impossible to ignore the burning of his eyes, as he sank down onto the bed that now felt twice the size. With ragged breath, he repeatedly fisted his eyes, not actually letting the tears fall - but it was impossible to not acknowledge their presence. Harrison stood wordlessly at the door frame, knowing it best not to interrupt - whilst at the same time knowing Tom shouldn’t be left alone. There was a delicate balance between the two, which he was walking on a knife-edge on right now.

After a short while, Tom looked up with red eyes and nodded at Harrison, effectively granting him entrance. With a sigh once again, Haz moved and sat next to Tom on the bed, clasping his hands together nervously.

“She said you both just needed a break from each other. Think lockdown and everything was just a bit too intense.” Haz had tried to explain, yet it seemed Tom had only managed to lock onto one of the first words.

“A break? Or breaking up?”

“I uhm… she didn’t explicitly say ending things. But I just… I don’t know to be honest mate.”

“You see the way she looked at me this morning? Like she hated me. Wouldn’t even acknowledge that I was there.”

“I don’t know what to say… she needs time and space I think.” Tom was silent for a beat, shaking his head as he cradled his forehead.

“I hate the fact you and my girlfriend are on better terms than I am.” Anddd his voice was back to scathing.

“I’m not on anyones side. But your both my friends and she… she needed some time.”

With that, Harrison made a quick exit out, getting Harry to take over the Tom supervision.

Ever since the atmosphere in the house had been tense. To say Tom was highly strung was an understatement, particularly towards Harrison. Deep down he was thankful Haz was looking out for Y/n: he was glad that Haz was checking she was okay. It’s not like Tom could, because Y/n was refusing to answer his calls, texts, whatsapps, even the slip of paper he’d slipped under Y/f/n’s door in the middle of an especially dark night.

So it was good to know Y/n was okay, but the fact she was going on socially distanced walks with the rest of his housemates was rubbing salt in the wound.

After a week and a half of complete radio silence on your end Tom had utterly worn down. He didn’t have the emotional capacity to be angry anymore, he was just tired. Tired of missing you with every breath, tired of the ten-tonne weight of guilt pressing on his chest, fucking exhausted with being angry at Haz and Harry and Tuwaine.

The best thing in his life and one of the very limited opportunities was quality time with the people he loved more than anything else. He had ruined it all.

And it was the small things. It was waking up to your soft, whispered voice in the morning; it was your infectious giggle when he surprised you with a hug from behind and gentle kisses to your neck; it was your quiet singing in the shower. Especially when he knew Haz, Harry and Tuwaine were all still seeing you and laughing with you. It hurt like hell.

Which is how he ended up hesitantly knocking on Harrison’s bedroom door at half eleven at night, with his tail between his legs. Having been so uber-healthy all lockdown, Haz was already in bed following his sleep cycle, though for Tom right now- he would be awake.

“I’m um… I’m sorry I’ve been a knob. There’s no excuse of anything I’ve just… I’ve been a knob.”

“You’re not wrong.” Harrison nodded in agreement with a sly smile, motioning for Tom to come into the room, after which he perched on the edge of the bed.

“I just… I need to speak to her but I… I don’t want to push her if she’s still hurting and I…”

“You absolutely promise not to blow your fuse? Because she couldn’t handle that.” Tom’s eyes widened, thinking this would be a much harder pitch than how it seemed to be going.

“Yesyesyes i- I promise. I just, I feel broken you know? Even if all I get is the time to say sorry, I-I really need to.”

Harrison released a deep breath, nodding slowly before throwing the covers off himself. Tom watched all his movements with a curious gaze, silently sitting as Haz pulled on a hoodie, then socks too.

“Well? Let’s go.”

//////////////////

Now, what Tom had not in the slightest bit been prepared for was this to happen tonight. Really, he hadn’t even thought Harrison would agree to let him talk to you… and even if he had, Tom not in hell thought it’d be at 11:30 that evening.

His heart was thundering in his chest, trying to hurriedly script how on earth he was going to apologise meaningfully to you - as him and Haz walked the short distance to your friends house. Honestly the whole situation was peculiar to Tom - finding it hard to believe that if you weren’t to answer his texts you wouldn’t be open to an in person conversation.

What Tom didn’t know, was how you’d been texting Haz at a similar point of desperation. You weren’t happy and even given everything Tom had said and acted - you missed your boy. No matter how infuriating he could be when trapped 24/7 - you’d quickly learnt this was the only way you wanted to spend these weird times.

So yes, Tom’s best friend knew you were hardly sleeping either, but needed that little push to interact with you boyfriend. No doubt, you’d still be awake to answer the door.

Once he’d arrived at the apartment block and walked up the stairs to the right floor, it still took some prodding and pushing from Harrison to get Tom to knock on the door. Plainly, because he was shitting himself. Haz hadn’t given him enough pre warning, enough time to work it all out in his head. So it took another encouraging nod from Harrison for him to knock on the slightly rough-round-the-edges flat door.

Y/f/n was single and young, starting her career in Kingston - so the flat she could afford was modest at best. When it was just occupied by a single person, that was manageable - two was a push. You’d only been living with her for a week and a few days but it was enough to know this flat was not ideal for two people in lockdown. You were already stepping on each others toes. It also wasn’t technically legal to move households but Y/f/n had always been in your support bubble as a single household otherwise. And so there was also a layer of guilt to it all.

Naturally then, sharing a bed with someone who wasn’t Tom meant you just were not sleeping. Even if you had both gone to bed early (just to kill some hours in the day) you were still wide awake at quarter to twelve - when a timid knock echoed through the minuscule apartment. Curiosity peaked at who the hell would be calling now; you silently slipped out of bed, managing to not disturb Y/f/n, and closed the bedroom door.

Now you weren’t an idiot. Even though this was southwest london, hardly the capital for crime, Y/f/n lived in a dodgy building with some questionable characters. And it was midnight. Hence why you approached the situation cautiously, tiptoeing to the door and waiting with your ear pressed against the wood.

“I told you she wouldn’t answer!”

“She will! Might just be in the loo or something.”

“Haz this is stupid-“

The air in your chest froze when you immediately recognised the smooth tone of his voice. It was him… and you’d missed that so much. Already there were tears in your eyes and you couldn’t open the door just yet. So no, instead you slid down the doorframe before calling quietly out into the night.

“Tom?”

The bickering on the otherside of the door was silenced, but you heard a quite tap on the door... and could envision exactly what was going on. Tom, pressing both palms and his ear to the door, as Harrison took a few steps back - sensing his work was done.

“Y/n? You there?” He sounded desperate, you could hear the emotion dripping off his voice. It was only when you tried to reply did you realise your own voice was having a harder time speaking.

“Yeh its-its me.” It felt as though this heavyweight that had been pressing down on your chest was slowly lifting, making your voice all cracky and low.

In response, there was a short and sharp exhale. It sounded relieved before some fidgeting as you imagined him crouching down beside the door - mirroring your image.

“Fuck, it… it feels so good to hear your voice.”

“Yours too… I’ve-i’ve missed you.”

Tom snorted at that, a gentle bang allowing you to realise he’d just whacked his head on the back of the wood.

“You have no idea how this week felt.” He was wrong though, you did.

Yes, maybe without the insurmountable guilt that Tom was rightfully feeling, but it didn’t mean that the time apart wasn’t easy.

“I do. This hasn’t been a nice holiday for me you know?”

He sighed, knowing that yet again he’d said the wrong thing. This time though, he didn’t rebut instantly (which surprised you), instead his response was more measured and calculated.

“I am so sorry. And of course, I know because I was the one that hurt you too. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for that.” You nodded but given this conversation was happening through a door Tom didn’t see your gentle agreement - opting to fill the silence.

“I um… I’m not good at this whole um… speaking my feelings. But I’ve hated myself ever since I picked that fight with you. It was stupid and uh it-it was all my fault. I’m so so sorry for hurting you.”

“‘Why?” You tried to ask, except the words were stuck in your throat, making you have to clear it before asking again. “Why did you say it?”

“To get a rise out of you. It’s stupid and petty and fucking-fucking dumb. I said it not because I’ve ever thought it, I never ever have, but I knew it’d hurt you. I was preying on your insecurities because I was angry at the world and that was so unfair. “

“No shit.”

Silence reigned as you fiddled with your fingers - specifically with the promise ring he’d bought you a year ago.

“You-you think you could ever forgive me?”

“Thats the annoying part. I want to hate you because you literally stabbed me then twisted the knife but… but all I’ve done this week is miss you. Even when I saw Haz or Harry or Tuwaine. I just fucking missed you.”

“Can you open the door please love?”

Clumsily you scrubbed the tear tracks off your face, scrabbling to your feet so you could thrust open the doors. Because you might still be bloody pissed at him, but at the same time - you needed your Tom. Thrusting the door open, the first thing you registered was being pressed into Tom’s chest. His arms slinked around your waist and held him tight, which you reciprocated, squeezing tightly round his neck. Your senses were all being assaulted by one thing and one thing only. Tom.

He smelt like usual, except maybe the slightest bit stronger than usual - you figured he hadn’t showered in a day or two or bothered with cologne. The top of your forehead was pressed up against his chin, and as he readjusted his grip on you, you felt the scratchy feeling of his unshaven stubble. He kept whispering apologies against the top of your head, almost desperate and religiously.

Arching back, you brought both hands to cup his cheeks, looking into his glassy brown. eyes, which looked so lost and confused.

“I’m still angry.”

“Of course-“

“I’m still angry but I’m going to kiss you okay?”

Safe to say Tom didn’t require a verbal response, taking it upon himself to nudge his lips against yours, yet waiting for you to initiate the kiss. And that you did, everything else about this godforsaken week and a half. His index finger traced the angle of your jaw, whilst he held your lower back tight, pressing himself as close as physically possible to you. Needing you.

Eventually arching back, your thumb ran over his deep and sunken under-eyes, which added so much age to his face.

“You look tired Tommy.”

“Can’t sleep without you telling me goodnight.” That was another tradition you had had. Even when he was away, you’d even set an alarm for whatever bedtime was for the other across the world. Just so you could send a little message or voice not saying goodnight. Was it cringey? Yes. Did either of you care? No.

But since you’d been away all the evening wishes were absent from you. Which hurt Tom more than you may ever know.

“I know you’re still angry but will you please come home to me? I need you to be the last thing I hear at night and the first thing in the morning.”

would love to hear any feedback <333 (but think this is a bit of a shitter so im sorry!!!)

tagging: @lovehollandy12 @pandaxnienke @thegirlwiththeimpala @msmimimerton @hollandfanficlove @hollandlover19 @hunnybunimdun @crossyourpeter @thefernandasantana@hallecarey1

[infernal-fire]

suburban dream

summary: how do you wake up from a nightmare? is it a nightmare if you’ve been asleep the whole time?

major warnings: noncon/dubcon smut, stalking, mention of pregnancy, some cum play (check the prompts for indications of other warnings)

a/n: this is for @iraot​’s 1.1k writing challenge. BIG congrats on 1.1k (i cannot explain how glad i am that others get to read your amazing work) and another BIG thank you for hosting this challenge.

Here are the results of my wheel spins:

Kink wheel: daddy kink, somnophilia, breeding kink Character wheel: Jake Jensen Situation wheel: Neighbours AU

You let out a breath of relief as you dropped the last brown box into the corner of the room. How you managed to own this much stuff, you’d never know. Glanced around the living room, it was difficult to decide where to begin. After much contemplation, you huffed and picked up the pizza catalogue, deciding to call it a day. 

It was unbearable to leave the house in the mess that it was. On the other hand, your right hip wailed in agony every time you bent down. Lacking the much-needed support of friends or family, you had no option but to suck it up and unpack… but that can wait till tomorrow. 

Fishing out just the necessities for the night, you climbed up the stairs and headed into the master bedroom. Massive house for one person, you noted. You did insist that an apartment would suffice but Tony was a stickler for rules.

All Stark employees have to be residents of a Stark-Jensen neighbourhood. 

Before getting the job, you weren’t even aware that “Stark-Jensen” neighbourhoods were a thing; it was a term coined by the tech company itself, referring to neighbourhoods that are protected by Stark-Jensen technology. The crime rate in these neighbourhoods are always startlingly low, the odd criminal or two being from inside the community itself. All things considered, how could you say no to free housing? 

Sure, the security measures assured that you never had to worry, but it also made you wonder why they were there in the first place. This place was as secure as the Stark Tower; why? You tried not to ask too many questions, afraid of getting on Tony’s bad side. Besides, it isn’t characteristic of him to give you a straight answer anyway. 

Life is good, your most harrowing concern at the moment being that your new place had no curtains. It had been a long time since things were calm and you were just recognizing that your days had been free of storms for some time now. Counting your blessings for the second time that night, you stepped into the shower and reminded yourself of all the things to be grateful for. 

To say you were in a good mood was an understatement. You finished your night routine right as the pizza was delivered and excitedly skipped down. No one told you how fun living alone was but they didn’t need to - you quickly found that independence is a glorious necessity in everyone’s life.

Jake stood bewildered at your person throwing the door open. He gripped the pizza box tight to ensure he didn’t drop it and continued to look at you like you had grown a third head. He never was very good with his words, but your beauty truly inhibited his ability to think.

“Hi?” you asked.

“Hey, I-I’m your neighbour, Jake. Saw that you were moving in and I came to ask if you need any help.” 

“Oh,” you contemplated, looking past him. “Where’s the pizza person?”

“I paid for it. Housewarming gift?” he  said like a question and handed it over. 

You received the warm box and waited for him to say something as he fiddled with his hands. His smile looks so familiar but you couldn’t place your finger on it. 

“So…Do you need help?” He looked up right at the end. You grinned at how shy he was.

“I would really appreciate the help tomorrow,” you replied casually. 

“Oh, so… I’ll come by tomorrow morning?” He looked hopeful, as if you were the one handing him the olive branch. You took a once-over of his build, sure that he would come handy when your hip gives up again and nodded in response. 

He nodded back slowly and turned around to leave, but seeing him at your doorstep felt eerily similar to a puppy left out in the rain. 

“I don’t think I can finish this pizza alone,” you called out. He turned around, a glint of happiness apparent in the shine of his eyes. 

“Do you have time to help me with this right now?” It was your turn to look hopeful and you really hoped this cutie took the bait.

He did. 

You couldn’t ignore the nagging at the back of your head that you had seen him somewhere. You also couldn’t dismiss the fact that dinner together was just a little awkward. The conversation started off with small talk, and it didn’t take a genius to tell that neither of you enjoyed it. Luckily, it shifted to talks about the neighbourhood and your old job. After that, the words flowed easily, the two of you bonding like you had known each other forever. Although it was smooth sailing, you couldn’t help but wonder how he knows so much about the neighbourhood security measures. When he mentioned that he had lived there for about 6 years, you chalked it up to a simple accumulation of knowledge he must’ve acquired from being around for so long. 

“So everyone who lives around here works for Stark-Jensen, right?” you questioned, trailing your finger on the rim of your second wine glass for the night.

“Yeah, for the most part. Though it’s hard to tell who works for who.”

You chuckled in agreement.

“What is it with that? I mean, I work for Stark, and my colleagues, too… but exclusively for Stark. Jensen does exist right?”

“Yeah,” he snickered, “He does. Stark makes the tech and Jensen does the coding.”

“So they’re a two-man team, but Tony’s the face of the company? Seems sort of unfair,” you muttered, quirking your brow a little. 

Jake smiled at your comment, glanced at his hands and looked back up at you. 

“Maybe he wants it to be that way.” He nudged his glasses up and took a little sip of his wine while peering at you. 

You cocked your head to the side and considered the information. Your head was hazy and you needed to stop drinking; alcohol and cute guys are not a good mix. 

“Wait.” You squinted at him. 

“Does that mean you’re a Stark-Jensen employee?” 

He let out a chortle and took your glass from you. 

“Hey, hey I want that back!” you whined, not even caring that you’re embarrassing yourself. 

“I think that’s enough for today.” He gently helped you up, waiting for you to move. 

“I can usually handle my liquor,” you promised, clinging onto his broad form for support. 

He started moving you up to your lone mattress in the corner of your room, softly laying you down. 

“Jake,” you caught his arm. “You didn’t answer the question. Do you work for Stark-Jensen?”

“Yeah, something like that.”

You pouted at his answer, still gripping his wrist like you owned him. He tenderly pried your fingers off him and placed them on your belly. 

“See you tomorrow,” he mumbled as he left your room. You drifted asleep easily, blissfully unaware of how you’d never be able to live down the humiliation of your drunken stupor. 

The next day, you hoped Jake wouldn’t show up. It would save you from the burning heat that crept up your neck every time you recalled the night before.

Unfortunately, Jake had found it way too amusing an opportunity to tease you, showing up at your doorstep at 10 AM on the dot. 

The day went on without a hitch, the conversation picking up easily from where you left off. Jake found it endearing when you groaned at the mention of your state, only after three glasses of wine. The question of his employment never crossed your mind again, both of you having way too much fun unpacking. You felt ten times better knowing that your neighbour was a loveable, single, hunky nerd; it made the stress of settling in that much better. 

Of course, like all good things, the weekend came to an end. Monday morning, you eagerly prepped yourself for a new week at the office. Being Tony’s right hand took five rounds of interviews as well as background checks into every living relative you had. After the turbulent hiring process, you found that the job was not any easier. Luckily, the move had you feeling more thankful about being in sync with all the Stark tech; with FRIDAY managing your house and personal appointments, it was easier to keep track of Tony’s day. 

You stepped out of the house and shielded your eyes from the beautiful day. Just then, your lovely new friend stepped onto his porch wearing casual attire.

“Have fun at work!” he called after you.

“Thanks! Are you going to work?”

“Yes, I am.” You took in his outfit one more time, chuckling as you wondered what job would pay enough to live here while dressed in sweats.

“Well, in case I don’t see ya’... Good afternoon, good evening and good night!” you exclaim loudly. 

Jake giggled like a schoolboy and waved goodbye before ducking into his car. 

Tony’s 10 AM meeting has been pushed to 11 AM, Miss L/N. 

“No, no, that won’t do! He has another meeting at 12 PM, the timing will clash. FRIDAY, who was he supposed to meet at 10 AM?”

Speaking to the AI felt more like talking to yourself, but with time, you assured yourself that it would look as cool as Stark when handling your things.

He’s meeting Mr Jensen, the co-founder of Stark-Jensen. I believe you have not met him yet. 

“Yeah, I haven’t. Could you call him for me, FRIDAY?”

Sorry Miss L/N, Mr Jensen’s phone is switched off. He has already notified Tony of the change in plans. 

“What an asshole,” you grumbled. 

On the contrary, I think you would like Mr Jensen, Miss L/N.

“You can just call me Y/N, FRIDAY. Oh, and, send out a notification to all of today’s meeting hosts and tell them to push it by one hour. If they complain, send them my number to take up any problems they have.” 

It’ll be done by the time you reach your office. 

“Thank you,” you smiled and pulled into your parking spot, right beside Tony’s. 

It was hard to imagine what would’ve happened today if Tony didn’t give you access to FRIDAY. Calling each meeting host and personally asking them to push their meetings seemed like a tedious and mind-bending task. And frankly, you didn’t ever look forward to talking to Karen’s. But now, you would never have to know; FRIDAY was an absolute godsend. 

You stepped onto the other side of security clearance just as the clock struck 9 AM. Strutting up to your office, you made a mental checklist of everything you need to do during the day. Usually, Tony didn’t require you to sit in for his meetings. He has a different set of assistants for note-taking purposes. 

Too consumed by your thoughts, you didn’t notice the large picture of Jake and Tony sitting side by side on the wall beside the elevators. You also didn’t notice Jake’s smirk as he passed by you with ease. He would’ve stopped to say hi, but he knew that you didn’t realize who he was yet. Now he just had to figure out a way to get you to show up to his and Tony’s meeting and give you the heart attack of a lifetime. 

Beep, beep.

The Stark-watch buzzed on your wrist, letting you know that Tony was calling for you. You had barely even stepped into the elevator and he was already whining like a baby. 

You shook your head and stepped into the doorframe of his lab.

“Come here!” his voice called from the far end of a lab. Your suspicions of him being under the work table were confirmed when he wheeled out on his back and handed you a wrench. 

“Do me a favour. Tighten this for me?” 

He handed you the arm of an Iron Man suit, what you assumed was his latest mark. He already lived at the lab as it was, you wondered how he ever had time for Pepper. 

“Come on, put your arm into it L/N! You know what, you’re distracted, give it here.”

“Did you call me here to tighten your screws?” You shifted your weight onto one leg and crossed your arms. It was sassy of you, but Tony’s assistant needs to have some backbone, famously said by Rhodey.

“Well, you know me, screws always loose.” He knocked on his head and chuckled at his own joke. You sighed and turned to walk out. 

“I need you to sit in for my 11 o’clock. And cancel everything else today.”

You gasped and turned again, marching to where he was lying down. 

“Tony Stark, you have no regard for anyone’s time! I already pushed everything back by one hour because of your buddy Jensen and now you’re asking me to cancel everything?”

“I know, and I agree. I wish I could go to the mind-numbing meetings with corporate clowns, but I want to show you and Jensen something cool.”

He stopped fiddling with his toy just long enough to glance at you. 

You sighed and called for FRIDAY, groaning for the umpteenth time since that morning. Why were you acting like this was the first time he’s done this? It was probably your lack of energy from moving. You couldn’t wait to get home and maybe call Jake over for dinner. Now that you considered this possibility, time seemed to pass slower, but at least there was something worthwhile to look forward to. 

When 10:55 rolled around, you were sitting in Tony’s lab, patiently waiting as Tony set up his latest invention for demonstration. 

“Where’s your buddy?” you asked, checking your watch for the time again. 

“On his way,” he replied without turning away from his work. 

He paused and took a step back to admire his work before facing you. 

“You haven’t met Jake, have you?”

“Jake?”

Right on cue, Jake walked through the doors of the labs and you whipped around to find your grinning friend.

“Howdy neighbour,” Jake sneered. 

“Oh, right. You live beside each other,” Tony muttered as he gathered some more things from his desk. 

You shamelessly inhaled the pinewood and vanilla-infused scent of Jake as he sat down beside you. To have him so close to you was a dangerous thing, your cunt unknowingly clenching every time he moved his biceps. 

“Stop making heart-eyes at him.”

You threw whatever was in your hand at Tony’s head, and it happened to be a pen. It narrowly missed as he ducked and doubled over in laughter at your embarrassment. The bastard took sick pleasure in it so he often made it a point to humiliate you, but it usually wasn’t in front of the co-CEO of the world’s largest tech company. 

The rest of your time in that lab went on without any heart attacks - as far as anyone knew, the slick between your thighs doesn’t account for a ‘heart attack’, per se. You shouldn’t even be thinking about Jake like that. He was technically your boss too. 

Tony dismissed you at lunch and told you to take the rest of the day off, much to your delight. You slid into your car and dropped your head onto the steering wheel.

You had barely moved into the neighbourhood and you’re already finding ways to be fired.

~Time skip~

You sighed and laid back in the over-the-top maternity chair Jake got you for feeding. Your baby gurgled as curled his little fingers into his palm before knocking on your breast once. With a light chuckle, you cooed as the little bundle began falling asleep. 

This was the only place in the house that had a sliver of sunlight gracing the inside of the house. 

You could have outdoor privileges if you didn’t pull that little stunt. 

Could you really blame yourself for trying to leave? How were you to know that it’s impossible to leave a Stark-Jensen neighbourhood?

Because it says “Stark-Jensen” in the name, you dumbass. 

Fair enough.

You lost count of how many times you sigh on the daily, instead opting to count the number of times you’re able to hold off a mental breakdown. Today, you got the rare privilege of privacy, with Jake being gone to another one of Stark’s presentation.

You reminisced about the last time you sat in Tony’s lab and watched him explain his latest creation. Little did you know that the first time you sat with Jake in there would also be the last time you ever sat in there. 

You gently placed the Jim in the cradle. Again, one of the many over-the-top investments made by Jake to ensure the baby got state-of-the-art care. The way Jensen had made you sit beside him as he put the contraption together almost had you lurching. But you didn’t want to wake the baby. The horridness of the memories cannot outweigh your will to keep Jimmy from crying.

“Look at it!”, Jake excitedly spun the box to show you. It must’ve cost an unreasonable amount of money - not that he couldn’t spare to spend the coin, but the purchase confirmed your worst suspicions; he was serious about this all. 

Your eyes, puffy from the days of crying, were barely open. Yet you still nodded, figuring that if you put up with his enthusiasm now, he’ll let you go to sleep without raping you like he did every night. 

Anyway, you were wrong. 

When did everything go so wrong?; How?

You picked up your phone. Your eyes flickered between the only two contacts saved on it. Jake made sure you couldn’t do anything except call him or Tony.

You missed your ex-boss (who was always more of a friend to you). But, it was obvious that calling him wasn’t worth it and would rarely yield any fruitful conversation. Tony always spoke as if he were walking on glass around you and your words were always monitored and censored by Jake. It didn’t take long to figure that one out. 

“I don’t know what happened, Tony, she’s just unhinged,” Jake explained over the phone. In the background, you struggled against the bonds that held you to his bedframe. You sobbed harder into your gag and tried to scream ‘help’. All that came out was a shriek. 

“You hear her? She’s completely unfit to come into work… What happened? I don’t know man… She’s breaking down under all the stress. A few days of rest might do the trick. No, no, you don’t have to come down. I’ll take care of it.” 

He ended the call and you went limp, pausing your hysteria. He smiled at you as if he hadn’t kidnapped you. As if he hadn’t just made Tony believe that you were off your rockers. As if he hadn’t just fucked you five times over the span of 48 hours. 

He had planned every step of your entrapment to the letter and it was all going according to his plan.

You put your phone facedown on the dining table and walked back upstairs to your room. His room. Your room, too. 

Never, you internally screamed.

Well, it’s too late to debate it. 

You stood at the foot of your bed and traced the footboard. He took you countless amount of times on this bed and every instance held some clue that he was working up to what was happening now. You could see that now - but what was the point now?

You giggled as Jake pushed you onto his bed. Who knew this golden retriever could be so rough?

“Shhshshshhh” you slurred and Jake laughed in response. 

“Tony’s not here, baby,” he replied, climbing on top of you. 

“We’re not gonna get fired?” 

“He can’t fire me, sweetheart.”

“Oh… yeah.” You frowned, remembering that your risqué relationship was only risky for you. 

In your drunken haze, you didn’t realize Jake was rubbing his bulbous tip against your folds, gathering slick. 

“Condom?” 

“Don’t have,” Jake lied. 

“Oh,” you hesitated. 

“It’ll feel so good, baby.” He nuzzled his nose into the crook of your neck and sunk in before you had the chance to protest. 

“Jakeeee,” you whined. Writhing under his grasp, you shook your head side-to-side as he vigorously fucked into you. 

He abruptly stopped and pulled out. “What have I said about saying my name?”

“I’m sorry, daddy,” you sheepishly say. 

“That’s right, slut. You’re gonna make me a daddy, right?” He pushed back in. 

“Yeah, you are. Gonna make me a daddy, so call me daddy.”

The implication of his words flew right over your head in your drunken haze and blank mind. Any ounce of sense that you had left was being fucked out by his thick length. 

“Gonna blow my load. Fill you tight cunt, not gonna last long.”

His words were broken with loud moans. He couldn’t think straight with your warm, wet pussy inviting him in over and over. 

As you shook from an overwhelming orgasm, your pussy involuntarily clenched, causing Jake to lose any last bit of restraint he was holding onto. He pushed in as far as he could go as you flailed around. He pinned your arms down and pressed his mouth into yours, delivering a hot and heavy kiss that had you panting. 

He pulled out, but the string of cum that followed made you blanch. You never were one for cum play. Still, you didn’t protest when Jake pushed everything back in with two fingers. 

“Gotta’ make sure you’re full baby.”

You shake your head now, but again, what’s the point? It’s all done and dusted. Though, you should give yourself some credit. Even if you had realized earlier, it wouldn’t have made a difference. He would’ve realized that you knew before you could’ve even thought about escaping.

As you drifted asleep, you adjusted the volume of the baby monitor one last time and slumped into the fluffy pillows. 

How do you wake up from dreams? Was it by pinching yourself? You couldn’t wake up from the nightmare that was your reality when you pinched yourself. You doubted that would work right now. You couldn’t recall how to open your eyes. Instead, you whimpered in your sleep, reliving the moment Jake finally revealed his ulterior motive

“You did what?” Jake was seething, but the only indication of it was his clenching jaw and red face. His tone was the perfect embodiment of the calm before a storm. 

“I know you aren’t happy… but Jake, you- you’re always talking about babies and a family. It was so overwhelming and I… I-I…” You were shivering now, unable to withstand the heat of his glare. You had never been on the receiving end of his anger. Hell, you had never even seen him angry. 

“I didn’t have an abortion, Jake, for god’s sake stop looking at me like a killed a baby! Plan B is not a crime. I’m only even bringing this up because I started on birth control anyway. Plan B every time we have sex is just not practical or feasible.”

At this point, you could’ve been speaking to a wall. Jake still hadn’t said anything and you were beginning to wonder if he had even been listening. 

“I can’t believe I didn’t notice,” he whispered, at last. 

“What?”

“I watch you do everything, I can’t believe I didn’t know about the Plan B.”

“What… What are you saying?”

“I said,” Jake stood up, “I’ve basically been watching you 24/7. And I don’t know how I didn’t notice this.” 

“What do you mean watching me?” Tears in your waterline were threatening to blur your vision but you blinked furiously in an attempt to keep looking Jake in the eyes.

 “You think FRIDAY works for you?” 

Jake leisurely cracked each knuckle and took a step towards you. You took one back. 

“Oh, now, don’t be like that.”

You woke from your nightmare that was the boiling pot and jumped straight into the fire. Jake was already moving in and out of your channel, moaning about how he missed you too much. 

You tried to adjust yourself but he caught your arms and pulled out just long enough to flip you onto your stomach. 

When he pushed back in, the hopelessness of your life manifested as tears; it happens every once in a while. 

Today, you had a new record: you were able to hold off a total of 7 breakdowns.

But, of course, that was right before he pinched you awake every time.

Masterlist

[spencerreidsconverse]

When Evil Doesn't Sleep

summary: Spencer has been gone far too long on a case and when he finally returns home, reader shows him just how much she missed him.

word count: 3.4k

warnings: smut, implied dom/sub undertones, pet names

Pairing: Spencer Reid/Female Reader

A/N: My first fic!!! I hope you all enjoy! <3

“Y/n I’m really sorry but it looks like the case is going to take a lot longer than we thought. We had a recent development and the profile is now pointing to a partnership so now we’re hunting down two unsubs”. You sighed as Spencer rattled off his apologies through the phone before putting him out of his misery “Spencer honey, you don’t have to apologize. Quit worrying about me and focus on catching the bad guys.”

To say you missed Spencer would be the understatement of the century. He had been in Utah for six days already and now with a pair of psychos your odds of finding him in your bed by the end of the week were growing increasingly slim. It didn’t help that you had been swamped prepping for an extra class you’d agreed to take on at Georgetown where you worked as a Criminal Psychology professor. Between both of your hectic work schedules you hadn’t had a real weekend to yourselves in a few months, and while you knew when you first started dating Spencer that it was an inevitable of his job, it had never been this crazy before. They say evil never sleeps but lately it hasn't even taken a catnap.

“I love you Y/N. I promise I’ll come home to you soon and take you out on a real date. I’m sorry darling, I have to go. I’ll text you when I get to the hotel tonight and if you’re still up we can talk for a bit okay?”. “Alright Spence, I love you too. Stay safe okay?”. “I promise, goodbye love.”

Your farewell barely made it past your lips when the dial tone cut you off and once again your boyfriend of three years vanished from your side of the country. You let out an exasperated sigh before reminding yourself that there were other people who needed his help and that you could wait for his attention - at least until that night. Continuing the trek up the stairs of your and spencer’s shared apartment, you managed to haphazardly balance your grocery bags in one hand while unlocking the door and disabling the security alarm, internally cringing at the high shriek that rattled through your brain.

Walking through the living room, you sat the bags on your kitchen counter and began reorganizing the small fridge space to fit all the perishables you had brought home, absentmindedly hoping they wouldn't spoil now that it would be just you for several more days. Moving to the cupboard you replaced the few grab and go snack boxes you had made up to try and encourage Spencer to eat more throughout the day and refilled the paper plate stash that quickly became a requirement after you realized neither one of you could tolerate doing dishes every night. You ripped open the cardboard packaging of yet another microwave dinner and set the timer before leaving to change into more comfortable attire.

Opening the door of your shared bedroom, the smell of vanilla wax melts and dryer sheets hit you like a brick and immediately sent a pang of loneliness through your chest. Spencer was usually around by the time the chores needed done, and you rarely had to do them yourself. Unfortunately, the laundry was piling up and you needed something to distract you so you spent the day running errands and cleaning the apartment more thoroughly than necessary. You walked over to the stack of black dresser drawers and pulled out the first pair of pajama pants you touched, Spencer’s old caltech sweats that now fit you far better than him considering he had received them when he was 14. They looked more like capris on him now and it was embarrassingly difficult to convince him to buy a new pair that fit him properly. You slipped on a tank top and pulled your hair back before making your way lazily to the bathroom to take off the remnants of your simple makeup.

After scrubbing your face clean and pulling your dinner out, you moved to ready the couch for yet another night of binge watching cheesy 90s movies. You selected Clueless and watched the vibrant colors pop across the screen while you dived into your meal, making a poor attempt to ignore the slight freezer burnt taste that lingered after every bite. You finished your dinner and set the bowl aside before covering yourself with a blanket and allowing yourself to sink into the cushions, desperately awaiting Spencer's text.

You were jolted out of your doze by the loud buzzing of your phone against the wooden coffee table. Clumsily you reached for it and managed to swipe the answer pad before it sent your genius to voicemail. “Hello?” you managed before a yawn ripped its way through you suddenly. “Hey Y/N, I’m sorry it’s so late. I didn't mean to wake you, I figured you’d still be up. You should go back to bed love.” For the first time, you noticed the neon green numbers on the microwave. 12:30. You stifled another yawn and shook your head in an effort to wake yourself further “No way, I just dozed off while watching a movie. I was waiting to talk to you. Besides, I’m up now anyways so you might as well stay on with me for a bit. Did you get any further today?” “Well, JJ had the idea that the partners were originally a typical dominant/submissive partnership but that something in the dynamic must have changed because the MO began to deteriorate. We think the partners must have split up now, because we’re finding similar pieces of the previous MO at separate crime scenes.”.

You processed the information he fed you slowly due to your semiconscious state but eventually you put your words in order well enough to respond. “That should be helpful though yeah? I mean, they’re used to working in a partnership so being suddenly separated from your other half so to speak would throw you off track quite a bit right?”. You could practically hear him smiling through the phone as you drew the conclusions the team had come to only a few hours prior. “Yes. We’re hoping to be able to draw them out and trap them. Play them against each other.”.”Does that mean I can stop sleeping on the couch soon?”. You heard him let out a dejected sigh - you knew he hated that you would force yourself onto the cramped couch when you had a king sized bed a few hundred feet away but he understood.

When he had come home in the early hours of the morning after an abrupt end to a case a few weeks after you had moved into his place, he had caught you curled up on the sofa with a throw pillow stuffed under your head. When he questioned you about it the next morning, you simply answered that the bed felt too big without him and that you couldn’t stand the empty feeling. “Sooner than later I hope my love. Y/N I really wish you wouldn’t do that to yourself. It’s horrible for your body. It can put you at a much higher risk for chronic back and neck pain as well as-”. “Spence. I’m not a giant like you are. I fit on the couch much better than you do, and I barely notice the difference.”. You both cringed, hearing the lie clear in your voice. Still, Spencer must have felt bad because he humored you. “If you're sure. What did you do today my love?”. You smiled sadly hearing in his voice just how desperate he was to escape from his reality and come home to you.

”Well, I straightened the house. In fact, it’s so clean i think we could use it as a sterilization room.”. He let out a soft chuckle and you could hear him begin to relax as you recounted the rest of your day, excluding the part about the microwave dinner. Spencer loved to tell you how many of the ingredients were one step away from processed garbage and you decided to opt out of the lecture for the evening. He had more than enough to worry about without having to focus on your diet while he was away. After a half hour of light conversation, a loud yawn betrayed you as you were excitedly discussing the cute puppy you had met on the way to the market. Spencer immediately requested that you hang up and get some more sleep but you refused. After a few minutes of bickering, you relented on the condition that he would read to you until you had fallen asleep. You curled up under the fluffy blanket as Spencer’s even voice recited the collection of Grimm’s fairy tales quickly lured you to sleep.

You woke up the next morning as sunlight peered through the curtains, stretching your body out to ease the aches from the previous night. You smiled softly as your screen lit up with a text from Spencer wishing you a good morning and an update that they had a solid plan for boxing in the two unsubs that afternoon. “If all goes to plan I should be carrying you to our bed before midnight tonight.”. Your smile widened and you sent back “Can’t wait to truly see you - and love you- tonight. I’ll be waiting.” You plugged your phone into the charger and straightened up from the night before when your phone went off again. The one word message glared at you from the screen and you let out an involuntary giggle. “Tease.”. You hoped it gave him something to look forward to until he was back in your arms. You sent back a simple “XO” before deciding to reread one of your favorite books for a few hours to kill some time. You made yourself a sandwich for lunch and had a few glasses of water as the clock slowly ticked by. You were over halfway through the lengthy novel when you received another message.

“We apprehended both unsubs. Hotch is postponing the paperwork until Monday so we can go straight home. I’ll see you in a few hours baby.”.  You jumped slightly in celebration before finishing your current chapter, marking your place, and all but skipping to the shower to shave and exfoliate your skin. You knew Spencer would still be heavily worked up once he arrived home and luckily, his favorite release included intertwining your bodies as close as possible and loving you sweetly and slowly.

You took your time in the shower careful not to nick yourself with your razor. You scrubbed your scalp with your nails, letting your stress and soreness melt away under the steam. You waited until the water ran cold before turning the knob and stepping out, wrapping yourself in a fluffy towel and blow drying your hair until it layed perfectly even. You applied lotion all over your skin and stepped out of the bathroom to slip on your black silk robe, knowing it wouldn’t be worth it to dress up further. Spencer would be desperate to feel your skin against his and any fabric in his way didn't stand much of a chance.

You made an actual meal for dinner, a pasta dish with chicken that could be easily reheated for Spencer when he grew hungry later in the night. You helped yourself to a serving and after quickly cleaning up the kitchen and storing the leftovers, you retreated to the bedroom to wait for his return.

You were half paying attention to the feed you opted to scroll through on your phone when you heard the door creak open and bags drop to the floor. You set your phone on the bedside table and ran towards the foyer, all but throwing yourself at the exhausted man in front of you. He took a step back from the impact but still enveloped you in his arms and pulled you impossibly tight into his chest. “Hi baby.” you whispered against the scruffy skin of his jawline, peppering kisses up towards his earlobe. He let out a long sigh of relief and picked you up off the hardwood floor, wrapping your thighs around his waist resulting in a high pitched giggle to erupt from your throat. He kissed you then, slowly at first but quickly building more passionate. Your lungs were burning when he finally allowed you to pull away, opting to kiss down your neck to your collarbones and the skin of your chest that was newly exposed as your robe slipped open.

He carefully made his way back to your room, continuing his kisses back up to your shoulder, stopping only to leave marks you knew would only grow darker as time passed. At the very least he was sure to only mark you in places you could cover with little difficulty. “I missed you so much Y/N. The entire ride home all I could think about was you waiting for me in our bed. My gorgeous girl.”. You felt your chest heat up at his words of admiration, wrapping your fingers into his curls and pulling his lips towards your own once more.

You felt him groan against you and moved to quickly unbutton his shirt, slipping it down his arms and tossing it in the general direction of the hamper. He pulled you up with him then, so you were both on your knees, chest to chest as he pulled your robe fully down your back to the swell of your ass where he grasped at you through the slick fabric. You let out a whine and you pulled his belt off, undoing his jeans desperate to continue. He grinned against your neck and pushed you down so you laid flat on your back, completely exposed to him. He kissed at your stomach, making his way down to your inner thighs. He licked a slow wet trail from your pelvic bone to the top of your clit as you whimpered desperately. “Spence, please… I need more”. He humored you, creating slow small circles with his tongue moaning at the taste. You cried out as he created the perfect amount of pressure on your clit, legs threatening to close around his head when he moved to slip one of his fingers easily inside you as the mix of your own wetness and his saliva aided him. He smirked as he felt your thighs flex before using his left hand to throw one of your legs over his shoulders at a time. He pushed a second finger in, curling them up to perfectly reach your g-spot with every thrust. Soon though, you grew impatient with just his fingers. You needed more and you knew just how to get it.

“I want you so bad Spence. I’ve waited for so long and I just can’t anymore. I need to feel you deep inside of me.”. You were positive those words would leave him just as needy as you were and he proved you right when he kicked his pants the rest of the way off and went to line himself up against you. “Wait.”. He stopped immediately, examining your face for any indication of what was wrong. “What’s the matter baby? Are you okay?”. You shook your head and smiled at his concern before switching your positions so his back was resting against the pillows as you straddle his thighs. He smirked at you as he caught on, trailing his hands up the front of your legs to rest at your hips. “You gonna ride me angel?”. You responded with an eager nod and he squeezed your hips, pulling you up further so you were hovering above him. “Sit pretty like my good girl then.”. You whined softly at his words before slowly sinking yourself down around his length, sucking in a harsh breath at the stretch. Even with how wet you were, the adjustment took longer than usual due to the dry spell you were both suffering from as of late.

When you finally felt stretched out enough to move, you slowly ground your hips forward flush against his. He groaned out, lifting you back up so you were almost completely off of him before pulling you back down. You moaned both at the sensation and the idea of being manhandled by the genius below you. You realized what he was asking though, and began bouncing yourself up and down his cock, stopping every few thrusts to grind your clit down on him. You let out soft moans, and after a few more minutes you felt his fingers dig deeper into your hips and his breaths quicken. You knew he was close and as if on cue you started rubbing fast circles against your clit as he spoke again.

“Baby girl I’m getting close. You gonna cum with me angel?” You nodded furiously in response and you felt him start thrusting up to meet you. You panted as you hurried towards the edge of your orgasm, holding on until his thrusts grew sloppier. “You ready to cum with me baby? You gonna cum on my cock?” “Yeah.. gonna cum all over your cock Doc.” You fought to keep the grin off your face when he moaned at the title. He thrusted deep into you twice, before he ordered your release. “I want you to cum now baby. Cum all over my cock.” You felt your orgasm rip through you, electricity shooting through your limbs. Spencer groaned loudly as you tightened around him before pulling you down deep and releasing inside you.

You both fought to catch your breath as you rode out your highs before you found yourself slumping against his chest, suddenly drained from your activities. You felt him chuckle at your drastic change in energy as he wrapped his arms around you again. “I know you just washed the bed sheets and we’re both sweaty but do you think a washcloth will suffice for tonight?”. You nodded against his chest before slowly lifting yourself up and off of him, rolling onto your back on the other side of the bed. Spencer swiftly made his way across the hall, returning to wipe you down gently with the warm fabric. You shivered as the cool air dried your skin, watching him move throughout your room.

He slipped on a fresh pair of boxers before tossing the washcloth in the hamper along with his previously discarded clothes. He hung your robe on the back of your bedroom door then flipped the light switch off before rejoining you in bed to slip under the blankets with you. You immediately curled up into his chest, sighing contently as the sound of his heartbeat filled your ears. You kissed his chest and whispered goodnight, drifting into your first real sleep since before he left.

The next morning you and Spencer went shopping after you successfully convinced him to upgrade to a smart phone with video call abilities. He had begun to shut down the idea as he always had before but after the mere suggestion of what it could do to better your late night hotel room chats he was the one pulling you towards the nearest phone shop. You smiled politely while Spencer took his sweet time weighing the pros and cons of each model, letting your mind drift to the first time it would come in handy. As you finally neared the checkout counter, you took Spencer's hand in your own and gave it a gentle squeeze. After running his card through the machine, the salesgirl gave him the small plastic bag and wished you both a good afternoon.

As you exited the shop, you looked up at him, nudging him to get his attention “What do you think of an app controlled vibrator?”. He stared at you incredulously for a few moments, almost stopping dead in his tracks. After recovering from the initial shock at the vulgarity of your suggestion, he shook his head with a soft smirk and nudged back against you. “Tease.” he called you once more. “That’s the reason you love me right?”. He pulled you into his side, kissing you softly. “One of many Y/N. One of many.”